Coffee Break: Our Place Pan

127 Comments

1. Tell me about buying your first home/apartment/etc. What went well? What do you wish you did differently? I’m finally starting the process after many years in NYC.

   1. We came to loathe our agent pretty quickly. She just wasn’t on the ball and she really didn’t want to do weekend showings and with our schedule that’s all we could do. She showed us our house on the day I was otherwise ready to switch agents, so at that point we were pretty much stuck with her. One thing she dropped the ball on was scheduling our walkthrough, and it turned out when we got there after closing (the buyer’s agent had promised it was in great shape) a bunch of the seller’s stuff had been left behind including food in the fridge. In the moment, I felt like I was being a jerk complaining about all the things she didn’t get done, but looking back on it I wish I had been more assertive.

   2. The inspection is really important. 1. You need to uncover dealbreaker items like a cracked foundation or anything too expensive to fix 2. Don’t be intimidated by an inspection either, because a lot of items are fixable and/or can be delayed 3. The inspection is a handy road map for future home maintenance. Get the best inspector you can afford.

      Also, location, location, location is trite but true.

      If it’s your forever home, cosmetic items should not be dealbreakers if everything else ticks your boxes. A lot of people don’t want to deal with making cosmetic updates, so a great house with a dated interior might be available at a good price.

      1. I regret buying directly from owner and skipping the inspection every.single.day.

         1. Seriously? I have never heard of a real estate sale without an inspection, unless it’s a clear tear down being sold as is. Why would anyone not get one? I don’t understand the logic.

            1. It happens more often than you’d think – it can make an offer more appealing to the seller, and I think it’s more common in really hot markets. We lost out once to a buyer who waived the inspection (though the cash offer was probably even more enticing lol)

            2. In hot markets like the Bay Area, the norm is to bid way over asking (sometimes up to 50%) and waive all inspections. You might get one as a new homeowner just to know, but it would never be part of a contingency. Contingent offers do not get accepted.

            3. It’s not uncommon.

            4. We were young and dumb, and there was no real estate agent acting on our behalf. It’s that simple.

            5. And to Pugs’ excellent point, I suspect that appealed to our seller, who just wanted to get it all over with so he could move to Arizona where it didn’t blow 93 miles an hour all winter long, and today I cannot blame him.

            6. +1 to Bay Area comment. If you want an even sort of desirable house in an even sort of popular part of the Bay Area, in my experience you are not getting your offer accepted with an inspection contingency.
               In our experiences, the seller does get two inspections done (regular and pest) before even putting the property up for sale, and the buyer gets these with the disclosure packet before they put an offer on it – so you at least have something. They are often quite long and seem thorough. Not sure if that is common everywhere where contingency waiving is not a thing? But of course understood one could have the concern that those might be biased or not cover everything.

      2. FYI in NYC coops, inspections are generally not done. Not sure about condos.

         1. Or I’ve seen it done (but not as a contingency).

         2. Right – in Co-ops, ask to see the disclosures/financials and look at them CLOSELY. If the building hasn’t updated the brick/roofing/HVAC in 15 years expect that you’ll be paying for that sometime soon in your maintenance assessment.

         3. We did one in our NYC coop and uncovered an problem with the electrical panel that we asked the owner to cover. I would do it again.

      3. Remember that inspectors can’t find everything, so don’t expect them to.

         1. +1 even with an inspection, expect and budget for at least one major repair within 6 months. It’s like the Murphy’s law of real estate.

   3. We are on our second purchased home now, and one big thing is no home is perfect. You should absolutely do your diligence and find a home that works for you and have an inspection and all the basics BUT every house is going to have something weird.
      Maybe the kitchen is big but an odd shape, or the light switches are in weird spots, or your neighbor mows their lawn and uses a leaf blower frequently (ahem my neighbor). Things you don’t really notice until you are living in it. This is especially true in competitive markets where you may have to put in offers almost immediately. You don’t have much time to make 10 visits at different times of the day, etc.
      A good real estate agent will help you spot major things that could be costly. So that’s my biggest tip. Find someone good that you can trust. Reach out to your network for recommendations.
      Good luck and congrats! It can be very stressful, but it’s very exciting.

      1. +1. Have a small list of must-have but otherwise keep an open mind. We started out looking for a super-modern condo and ended up in a 90-yr-old bungalow brimming with charm. If you’re set on a particular location, your list of must-haves might need to be extra-short.

   4. I second the suggestion to get a good agent, especially in NYC where there are so many building-specific things to watch for. Get someone who is very very familiar with the neighborhood(s) you are looking at — it is very helpful to have someone who knows all the ins and outs and gossip about the different buildings. My agent was able to tell us to avoid certain buildings entirely because their financials were a mess and they were bad investments, or others were likely to need major work soon (elevator) that would probably require an assessment. My agent basically only works in my neighborhood in the far outer boroughs, otherwise I would recommend them directly. If you can’t get a personal recommendation, interview a few agents on the phone and go with someone you feel comfortable with.

      Also, make a (small!) list of your non-negotiables and do not budge on them. For me, that was good natural light, windows that faced something other than a brick wall, and a pet-friendly building.

      1. Not in NYC, but absolutely get an agent who understands the area you want to buy in. We bought in a neighborhood where people have had foundation settling/cracking issues – I would not have known to ask the inspector to look for certain things had we not talked to a neighbor who tipped us off. Our Realtor had no clue as she was used to helping people buy in a different neighborhood. Our Realtor’s lack of neighborhood familiarity hurt us when we sold as well. It’s more important than I thought, by far.

      2. This. My two realtors in NYC (eons ago) each basically only worked in those neighborhoods and knew them inside and out. This was also before all the boroughs were on the MLS, so you really needed a good local realtor to even SEE the listings. While that isn’t entirely true any longer, there are still lots of ‘pocket’ listings in certain areas that you need a good local (ie, not Citi habitats) agent for.

      3. I agree! Our agent made all the difference in NYC.

         Also, I didn’t realize that a mortgage preapproval can be pretty meaningless. So make sure you have a mortgage person who knows what they are doing. This is going to sound mean but ( in a place like NY, at least ) there are so many people doing this that some of them are just going to awful. I would ask for personal referrals all around.

   5. I have never bought in NYC, but did buy a condo in Chicago and subsequently a house in the suburbs. Two things I think are important 1) check what similar places have sold for and 2) don’t use your realtor’s inspector. A buyers agent is motivated to get you to buy quickly so they make a commission quickly. Asking prices are often fantasies (and #1 will alert you to optimistic sellers). Also, when buying the house we realized that the inspector (recommended by the realtor) spoke differently when the realtor was in the room. Basically, the inspector relied on the realtor to refer business to the inspector so had the inspector an incentive to soft pedal things to placate the realtor.

   6. Do not hire a friend as your agent. This likely the biggest purchase/investment you’ll make in your life.

      Do not hire the agent’s attorney, lender, mortgage broker or inspector. I adore my agent, and she’s become a friend (despite my warning above), but I refuse to use her people. There are referral fees involved and interests are not aligned. Everyone – literally everyone – benefits from you buying ASAP and at the highest price. Have a third party inspector, closing attorney and lender.

      1. I’ll disagree on your second point – if you use their vendors, things will probably be smoother, which you’ll want as a first time buyer. They’ll have patterns down and a way of doing things. If you use your people, the process may be tougher.

         1. Oof, I could not disagree more strongly. To each her own!

         2. +1 – if you hire your realtor well, then use their people, that’s part of the point

      2. We used our realtor’s inspector, and he was great. But our realtor was amazing and I’m sure makes more money by her excellent reputation and high home prices in Seattle than by referrals. If anyone you know, whose judgement you trust, has a realtor they adore who knows the area where you’re looking — go with them.

         1. I agree with this. I understand there is some bias involved but honestly I know our agent get far more business from her reputation/referrals (she was referred to us by a friend, we’ve referred her to many others). I suppose she could be incentivized to get a house sold with a bad other people, but that’s very short term thinking that would lose her all those downstream referrals.

      3. Hey, I’m late to the conversation, but I wanted to educate… I don’t know about the law in your state, but here it’s illegal for agents to get referral money. The only benefit to the agent is that the agent knows and trusts that the job will get done timely, smoothly, and efficiently. At the end of the day, you need to do your due diligence on your person and/or the Realtor’s person.

   7. if you are a lawyer in NY, you can act as your own agent and split the brokers fee with the selling agent (or take as a credit against the purchase price). with nyc prices, this was a decent amount of savings.

      if you’re looking at coops, check the waiting list for renovations and also review the coop agreement closely for what you can / cannot do as a lot of coops have quirks that make updates either impossible or extremely expensive. (related, if you want to do renovations do them before you move in, otherwise they are so much less likely to actually get done.)

      re location, also think about proximity to grocery stores, gyms, etc. not only from a walkability standpoint, but also mental geographic separators (e.g., do you have to cross a major street that makes carrying groceries a bigger hassle than necessary even though it’s only a short walk). try to do visits both during the day and at night to understand differences in street traffic, safety and noise.

      don’t overlook water damage or be told that can be fixed. it is the worst and a money suck.

      if you are using an agent, look at streeteasy and do your own comps analysis. agents often skew what comps are to support overpricing.

      1. I would not recommend being your own agent and you would need to submit and application and fee to do what is suggested. You should hire a lawyer for the closing too. Get a good agent. It won’t cost you anything and you will not be more competitive if you are taking money out of the listing broker’s pocket (and you are not doing yourself favors by foregoing an agent to be more competitive).

         1. This, it’s classic penny wise and pound foolish to do that.

   8. DH and I just read a book about the home buying process and it had a lot of nyc specific info – How to Buy Your Perfect First Home by Anthony Park. We are not actually buying in nyc but wanted a simple overview of the process. It was very easy to read and worth the $3 on kindle

   9. I wish we had demanded to see the house empty. The owners were there and refused to leave. Their toddler son climbed up the kitchen island and put his hand on a hot burner while our inspector was checking the coils, so that became a whole drama because they weren’t supervising their kids properly. It was constant chaos and distraction, and it felt intentional.

   10. You have received lots of great advice about buying a property. For us, it was about buying a lifestyle. That doesn’t mean expensive lifestyle – just a specific combination of house AND commute time, neighbourhood type, scenery, neighbours, schools, tume to get out of the city by car (we hike a lot), etc etc. AND amount of debt if applicable.

       We spoke a lot about what that looked like for us, then studied the neighbourhoods that would give us those parameters with acceptable prices and went to a few open houses there over the course of a coiple of months without intention to buy per se, taking the time to grab a coffee and explore the neighbourhood by car and on foot. After a few weeks of this we were pretty attuned to what type of property we wanted in which neighbourhoods that we could afford, visited 4-5 potential houses in eanrest, made 2 offers and got 1 of them :)

2. I got all new Le Creuset cookware for Christmas (it cost a fortune but we spent the money we didn’t spend on going away) and I am SO HAPPY with it! I got both black cast iron and enameled cast iron skillets in a couple of sizes, plus two saucepans. I already had two sizes of Dutch ovens. There’s a learning curve but I am so happy with all of it — I really feel like I can produce better food with this stuff. And also I have it nicely arranged under the cooktop and it looks so pretty every time I open the cabinet.

   1. Amongst my social group who are avid cooks we agree that le Creuset is a far superior product.

   2. I will say that I have had Lodge for a long time. I got a LC Dutch oven years ago and have a crush on it still. This year, I got a cast-iron pan from Smithey that makes me swoon AND want to cook (and I’m so sick of cooking). Not inexpensive (like the LC, you get the extra finesse you pay for). I used my Lodge at lunch today.

   3. If you want to only spend half a fortune and can be flexible on color, I’ve found that the Le Creuset outlet is awesome. Most of it is there because of surface blemishes in the finish and those are hard to notice and don’t affect the performance. I’ve also bought pieces at discount home stores on a rare occasion and have heard legends about people finding vintage pieces at second-hand shops.

      1. Nice! Also Costco.com has the LC Dutch ovens.

   4. I love Le Creuset. I have a Staub cast iron and it’s gorgeous, but nothing beats my enameled Le Creuset.

      1. I prefer my Staub to my Le Creuset! But TBH both are awesome.

         1. I got a Staub on sale at W-S and it is beautiful. I often forget it’s not L-C and then remember that one of the original RHONJ was named Staub.

            1. Like, the craziest one! That would put me off Staub alone! But I lie, I do have some Staub which I like almost as well, except I prefer the le creuset lid handle.

   5. I LOVE Le Creuset. I live in the Bay Area and there’s an outlet store in Vacaville. We used to go up to the snow in the Tahoe area between Christmas and New Years every year, and I would generally talk everyone into stopping at Vacaville on the way home. This is how I built up my collection. It’s so beautiful and it lasts for freaking ever.

      The piece that has the most use in my house is the braiser, which some stores call the everyday pan. And I bake my own bread 2-3 times a week in a 5 quart Dutch oven. My little heart shaped pot gets a surprising amount of use as a rice/grits/polenta vessel.

      1. Totally off topic, but this might be the first time I’ve heard/seen anyone else refer to “going to the snow” since I moved away from California.

         1. Ha! We say that, too!

            1. I am the going to the snow poster. Born and raised in CA and everyone I know says this. I spent four years working in NY and people looked at me like I had lobsters crawling out of my ears when I said it there.

   6. Love Le Creuset! My cookware is composed of a Le Creuset set bought in 1989, one large and one small sauté pan bought from a restaurant supply place years ago, two rectangular Japanese omelet pans, and a cast iron skillet that my mother started for me the year of my birth, so it was perfectly seasoned by the time I moved away (Thanks Mom!!).

   7. I got my Le Creuset dutch oven from C&B 50% off! I checked with the cashier why it was so cheap, and they said the color was being discontinued and they were forced to sell it on large discount. I’ll always check the sale rack at the store now even if I don’t need anything just in case.

3. Not a troll: If you were buying a new phone, would you get one with 5G capabilities? My hope is this phone lasts 2+ years. A phone with 5G is about $200 more.

   1. Yes, I always buy the latest phone because I expect to use it for a long time.

      1. Same. I pretty much always splurge on something recent because I want it to last for a good long while, and I know it’s something I’m going to use often.

   2. I just got the iphone 12 mini and love it! So yes lol.

      1. Oooh, I’ve been curious about the mini. How do you like it?

         1. Not the op, but my husband got a 12 mini because of a deal they were running and I love using it. It fits my hand way better than the brand new SE I have.
            Only thing that bugs me is the lack of the home button/touch id, but I’m sure you get over it fast once you are used to it.

            1. My personal phone has FaceID while my work phone still has the home button and I hate the home button so much! FaceID is so much easier.

            2. Same. I got used to faceID in a hot second and now get very frustrated using my Touch ID iPad.

               The biggest advantage of Face ID for me is bigger real estate for the screen in a smaller overall footprint.

         2. I like it so much. I had put off getting a new phone (still had the iPhone 6) in part because I did not like how big the new ones were. So when I saw the 12 mini I was excited! It is the perfect size but still has all the functionality of the newest iphone, including the amazing camera.

   3. For the opposite view, I never get the latest and greatest phone. I am usually a step or two behind. I only call, text, and read webpages though. If you play games and watch videos you may care more.

4. Pension question. I have a job that should pay a $2,000/pension if I retire from here (15 more years). If women in my family live into their 90s, this is gold, right? Like that + social security (maybe $2,000/mo, being conservative) would be enough guaranteed $ not to worry (I think). But if you work at places (private, not govt) with this arrangement, do you think they’ll get rid of it in the next 15 years?

   Part of the reason I think they have it is so that people retire and let another generation move up the ranks.

   1. They can’t take away from you what you already earned, although they might offer you a buyout which you don’t have to take. In terms of companies getting rid of these benefits, most have already. I’ve been in the workforce almost 33 years and I was never even offered a defined benefit plan.

      1. I mean, they kinda can. Pensions go bust all the time. I would never rely solely on that for my retirement in this day and age.

         1. Right. IDK what will happen when IL declares bankuptcy (the math pretty much compels it — at some point, they will have no $ for roads or schools b/c pension obligations will consume all revenue and then some). I believe it has the most severely underfunded pension obligations of any state (not that any are adequately funded).

            I guess you could see what it would cost to buy a 2K annuity for 30 years and then see if any job you might switch to would give you that much increased earning power. I’m not sure I want to know the answer. Retirement calculations are so humbling.

   2. A couple of things to consider – this company will have to stay solvent not just for the next 15 years but also for the 40 years after that while you’re collecting pension benefits. If they file bankruptcy and the PBGC takes over your plan, there is no guarantee that the PBGC will continue to pay you $2k per month. The PBGC has complex formulas to determine what it will pay, and doesn’t insure every type of benefit that a plan might have.

   3. I worked for AIG, which used to have a generous pension. I went to a financial advisor in my thirties and she told me never to leave because that pension was unbelievable.

      Then 2008 happened and they eliminated pension contributions going forward. That meant for me I was not grandfathered into the old generous plan (missed it by a year, what are you gonna do) but I had a cash value for what the value they had contributed so far. I transferred it to an IRA because I didn’t really trust AIG’s credit at that point. It will be far less than $2000 a month when I get to the point of taking withdrawals.

      The point of this story is to read the fine print. Companies can and will change pension rules going forward and you can’t do much about it. Also, if the company goes bankrupt, the only safety net is the PBGC, which typically pays pennies on the dollar. Look into this. Do not take a job just for the pension.

   4. Pension actuary here! The PBGC comment above is right: PBGC-guaranteed benefits are qualified only, and there are formulas that determine how much of your benefit will be paid (typically on the order of 85%).

      However, what I think you’re asking about is if the plan is going to be frozen. The recent trend is definitely to freeze plans — I am currently working on a plan that announced recently it will freeze. If this happens, what you’ve accrued is yours to keep. You won’t keep accruing (unless it’s something like a cash balance plan where you get interest credits) so it’s still important to make sure that you keep up with your individual retirement savings. Depending on the plan sponsor, they may make up for freezing a plan with additional DC savings or some kind of sweetener. There is one plan sponsor I know who is considering re-opening a plan, but that is a public organization.

      There was a comment above about a buy-out – I work on these programs a lot. Something to keep in mind is that, in general, if you cash out before 59 1/2 you’ll be subject to a 10% excise tax. It sounds like based on your original comment that you don’t plan to do that, but would be good to keep in mind just in case.

      1. Hive five from a casualty actuary (who used to work at A I G, above)

         FYI, I managed to roll my pension value into an IRA, untaxed. You have to make sure you’re doing it exactly right so that it won’t be a taxed withdrawal, but it can be done.

         1. Woohoo actuaries, and good point! Agree that if you do a qualified rollover you won’t be taxed. Thanks for pointing that out!

5. What size curtain does one purchase for a window that’s 39 inches wide? Most panels are 48 inches or 50 inches wide.
   I like the look of two panels, but 100 inches of fabric (2 panels) on one rod is all bunched up. And minimize light coming in, which is okay but not great.
   Recommendations? Purchase panels and have them cut to a more appropriate size? Find modern pulls to open curtains and pin them to the side of the window frame?
   Challenged with keeping this modern and clean.

   1. I don’t find curtains to be clean, either in looks or in actual cleanliness. They are froofy dust catchers. My first choice is interior shutters, formerly known as “plantation” shutters. Cordless faux wood blinds with wide slats (formerly known as “plantation” blinds) are also a nice clean look, but harder to keep clean.

      1. OP here: each window has beautiful white wood blinds. But the windows look n a k e d without curtains. Lived here for five months now, and would desire a more dressed window.
         I agree about curtains being dust catchers and froofy (and didn’t have curtains in my prior home) but no curtains doesn’t work in this house the same way.

         1. How about tailored valances, then? That’s what I have with my wood blinds.

      2. They’re great for insulation though. The rooms I have curtains in stay noticeably warmer than the ones with Venetian blinds.

      3. ? I can toss my drapes in the wash as often as I like. Blinds are a dusty mess 24-7.

   2. Panels are supposed to have a full, gathered look. You should have at least double the window width in panels. If they’re bunching, maybe they’re the wrong fabric, or maybe you don’t like that look. If you want a flat look, I would go with a modern looking roller shade or roman shade.

   3. Are you looking for hanging curtains? Roman blinds or similar? (Since you mention panels.)

      If you are mostly looking to frame your windows – remember that you can have rods that are quite a bit wider (and higher) than the window. With a 39 inch window you could look for a 55-60 inch rod. You’ll make your window look larger by having some of the curtain on the outside of the window, and let more light in.

      If you are just framing, it doesn’t really matter if the differnt sides actually can meet in the middle. If you are looking to have curtains you will regularly close, then sure, take that into account. The bunching also depends on the hangings and the fabric itself.

   4. Maybe try something like this (with more narrow panels), like the window on the right:

      https://cdn.apartmenttherapy.info/image/upload/f_auto,q_auto:eco,c_fit,w_730,h_827/at%2Fstyle%2F2019-12%2F2019-12-Living-Room-Curtains%2Fimage15

      1. I think these are really pretty and look “correct” to my eye. I wouldn’t go narrower. I think of curtains like shutters, they’ll never look right if they don’t look like they COULD cover the window if needed.

         Also, just my personal opinion, but these are much less “frou-frou” than a valence which reads less relaxed and modern to me.

   5. For typical windows, your rod should be hung wider than the window frame and then you will buy two standard width (48″) curtain panels. See https://stylebyemilyhenderson.com/blog/hanging-curtains-all-wrong for reference. That will make it so that they don’t bunch.

      If you have a window that is recessed like in a dormer, I would opt for a shade instead.

      1. +1

         Hang the rod wider and higher than the window. When open the curtains should cover the outside of the window and the wall. Makes a huge difference!

      2. That article is mostly right but curtains should never puddle, NEVER!!!

         1. I see puddling in a lot of HGTV shows and other home improvement blogs – seems like it’s in right now, but might be hard to get right.

   6. If a nice heavy Belgian linen or silk curtain is wrong, I don’t want to be right. RH and PB have really nice (but pricey!) curtain panels and hardware. I second the comments above about installing a wider and higher curtain rod than your window. Personal preference, but I would have the bottom hem barely skim the floor (pooling fabric would be toys dust catchers at my house).

      For keeping curtains open or partially open, I love Umbra “Halo Floating Magnetic Tie Backs”…they’re super versatile and not permanent. Got ours from Bed Bath Beyond.

6. Struggling in California today. We are under a wind advisory, a new fire popped up not far from my family, the COVID surge is still out of control and we might have our own special variant on top of everything else, and things are just…hard. They’ve been hard since March with so little let-up. Even when our cases dipped in the late summer, we were in the midst of the worst heat waves, wildfire season, and hazardous air quality I’ve ever known here. It just feels absolutely relentless.

   1. I’m right there with you. And the weather is getting cold again after a nice sunny and balmy weekend.

      1. I’d much rather have cold weather than this unseasonably warm, spooky weather. Global warming feels so evident here. But yes, California solidarity! Hang in there.

   2. I’m sorry. I hope it gets better.

      I think there’s really a “nowhere is safe” feeling right now (from this Illinoisian who is planning to move for many reasons, one of which is the broke state as noted above, and just submitted two job apps for CA jobs today??‍♀️)

   3. Also in California, Bay Area here. Nothing but agreement from me. We don’t leave the house, basically. I’m sure some obnoxious person will need to chime in and lecture me about my anxiety so I will preemptively say that person can go f themselves.

      1. Solidarity! The “you are just anxious OMG go to the grocery store and get therapy” people can all go eff themselves.

      2. I feel you. I think people who don’t live here don’t understand how crushing it was, especially over the summer, to be dealing with the pandemic, the heat wave, and the smoke all at once. All that outdoor recreation that everyone else is talking about as a mental health savior right now wasn’t possible within 200-300 miles of where I live.

      3. Also Bay Area, and also struggling. With the recent overall surge and the new variant, I put a kibosh on in-person grocery shopping. We’re still doing outdoor activities (e.g., beach), but I was surprised by how many people weren’t wearing masks.

         1. True story. We don’t leave the house. Grocery delivery 100%. My kid made ONE masked trip to a store last week – two blocks away to get specialty pet food – and he has a low grade fever today. He’s isolated in his bedroom but if he has it, it’s probably too late for all of us. Inner Bay Area. I’m high risk.

            1. I’m sorry to hear that, but please do keep up the in-home quarantine. There have been several posts here about people who did NOT get it even though someone else in their household had it. Let us know how things go.

            2. I hope you won’t catch it even if he had it. I know many, many people who did not catch it from their family members, so don’t think it’s too late.

            3. Bay Area here, don’t go anywhere but medical appointments. Recently I caught a not-Covid viral infection after dental surgery. Can you get him tested?

            4. I have a call into his pediatrician about testing. To be honest, I don’t feel great about taking him somewhere in my car right now, and I don’t feel great about the testing locations, but we’ll see.

      4. Lol to anyone here judging what they think of as others’ anxiety. I got told the same thing after complaining that people’s kids were trespassing on my property and loudly screaming/playing less than six inches from my dining room window…

         1. I think there are a few cases where it’s clear that the poster is experiencing disproportionate anxiety. Your post the other day wasn’t one of them. I sympathize with the noise you were experiencing and agree that people don’t take it seriously because it’s “kids being kids,” even when those kids may be causing severe problems for people with migraines, people getting over COVID, people on conference calls, sleeping infants, or whoever else might be really disturbed by constant loud noise.

            1. My point is (as the go f yourself poster) it’s not anyone’s business to diagnose anyone else with anxiety. If the question is “Do you think I have anxiety?” maybe, but I would argue the response to that should be “IDK, go see a doctor.”

               Beyond that, move along. I can’t imagine how anyone thinks that helps anyone. It’s generally offered up in a very mean manner anyway (the word “gently” notwithstanding, that’s basically an around-here version of “I’m not racist, but”) so I can’t imagine even one of those many many comments has ever helped anyone.

         2. Yeah, I think some people thought you were being unreasonable for blaming kids for playing soccer in the park, which is generally a thing kids do. But while it’s perfectly reasonable for them to play soccer and make some noise, it’s also perfectly reasonable to be bothered by the noise and I don’t blame you for it at all. I’m also miserable with the constant noise working at home- it’s kids screaming, and the nonstop lawnmowers and leaf blowers, and everyone and their mother has decided to do construction and I desperately want them all to shut up so that my head will stop hurting and I can actually focus.

            1. Thanks for the validation! I guess it’s easier for certain commenters to tell me I need therapy than to admit their kids might be bothering the neighbors. :)

         3. Yeah, I don’t like the current culture of passive-aggressively suggesting a stranger get therapy, do CBD, or take anti-anxiety drugs any time an actual emotion or concern is expressed. People are entitled to their emotions and concerns and this notion they can’t be expressed in any venue except therapy is shocking to me, as is the notion you have to numb them all away. This feels like a even more messed up version of the 50s house wife who was supposed to be all cheery all the time, even if it took little blue pills.

            1. I agree, but I think there also needs to be space to not validate what is clearly a toxic anxiety spiral or rumination and the like. We certainly overuse it here (and I’m no angel – I’ve recommended therapy before), but it doesn’t feel right or kind to validate certain extreme manifestations.

            2. I suggest that you skip the post then, if you can’t contain yourself and you think any other response would be “validating.”

            3. You don’t think it can ever be helpful to point out when therapy can have a role? I don’t think I can agree. I’ve seen several compassionate posts here suggesting therapy or meds and then the OP has come back a week later thanking others for the push or “permission” to get help. I stand by that.

            4. Those are posts like “I cry all the time and feel life isn’t worth living”

               not “I am afraid of catching coronavirus so I have my groceries delivered”

               Certainly you can see the difference.

               Otherwise, I diagnose you with delusional thoughts that you’re a psychiatrist.

            5. +1. I am sorry, but this has never been (and should not be) a space where the only acceptable response is to cosign someone’s sh*t, no matter how outrageous/disconnected from reality it is. I have seen some posts here that tip over into the “I am legitimately worried about this person’s mental health” territory, for me. The very few times when I have suggested therapy to someone, it is not meant in a snarky or kneejerk way. I have experienced anxiety and depression in the past myself. Therapy was how I survived those times and developed coping mechanisms that helped me to this day. If I say “think about therapy” it’s coming from the place of, I have been somewhere near where you are and here’s what can help. I am going to continue to recommend it when I see people who are very obviously deep into an anxiety spiral and can’t seem to find their way out of it on their own.I have been there and it was reality checking from my friends and loved ones that helped me realize I needed assistance from someone to fix the situation.

               As an aside, I am also not obligated to agree with everything everyone says here, or stay silent – those are not my only two choices. I realize many millennials and Gen Z folks don’t understand the nature or value of productive conflict (this has been an especially poignant realization since I started watching Search Party) but it plays a critical role in our society and communities. The only acceptable option cannot, CANNOT, be, complete sympathetic agreement with someone’s completely off-the-rails comment/statement, or silence. That’s part of the reason why the country’s in the trouble it’s in right now. /end rant

            6. You’re right – I’ve only suggested therapy for the former, not the latter. You’re painting with too broad a brush and assuming that anyone who has ever recommended therapy is a COVID denier, which couldn’t be further from the truth in my case. Heck, this board has called me “paranoid” and “living in bubble wrap” for sharing the precautions I take as a high-risk person.

            7. To Anonymous at 6:11, there is a huge difference between Republicans going along to humor Trump and people on this site being jerks to each other just because they don’t like the post. You need anxiety is often not given in the right spirit around here, and used in place of (or sometimes in conjunction with) “full stop” as a kind of digital mic drop. Also, some folks around here appear to argue just for the sake of argument–and you can keep your characterization of millenials as “snowflakes.” To that I say, Ok Boomer.

            8. But sometimes folks around here are disagreeable JUST to disagree, like the commenter below suggesting millennials are sensitive. I am thinking of the sugar quitter this morning where teh first comment was incredibly aggressive and rude–why? I’ll give it one thing, it at least wasn’t passive aggressive, like most of the therapy suggestions, which is just a back handed way to say someone disagrees. Just disagree for crying out loud.

   4. More Southern California solidarity here….also feel like the walls are closing in.

      I did take a book to the beach yesterday, as I thought it might be a place to get some space & different scenery.
      I was flabbergasted at how many big multi-family groups were there, all unmasked. I saw at least 4 groups of >30 people, and at least a dozen of >10.

   5. The Santa Ana winds…. Hang in there…. We put in AC and are hoping the filtration will help with the worst days next year. Has anyone on this board researched whether we can move to places less likely to combust? NoCal, SoCal and the Central Valley all got hammered and so did Oregon.

      1. I think every place is likely to combust. It’s just different varieties of combustion.

         1. It seems like the East Coast is largely better off. Sure, there is a risk of hurricanes from time to time, but it’s not the nonstop, extreme, daily-quality-of-life-slammed type of situation like we get with wildfire season out there now.

            1. Yeah, but we have armed insurrections.

            2. We have those out west too – arguably worse than you do, but it’s certainly not a contest. Gun culture out here is really rough sometimes.

            3. Not trying to start a contest, just expressing generalized despair as to the state of these United States.

         2. There are a couple different ways to look at this – by total frequency of natural disasters and by the potential for even a low-probability event to cause significant damage and loss of life. FEMA periodically issues county-by-county natural disaster risk assessments using the latter, and unfortunately LA tops the list of riskiest places: https://www.winknews.com/2021/01/03/fema-calculates-riskiest-safest-places-in-us/

            There are fewer easy-to-link sources about lowest overall risks, but in the past I’ve seen New Hampshire, northern Michigan, and parts of Arizona/New Mexico ranked as relatively safe. But even those areas are changing.

   6. I completely hear you. We’re on power shut off warning, coworker has no power for the next few days because of fire warnings, and we definitely have no power planned for a day next week for the power company to do more work in our area, the third time in the last few months. It’s obviously far better than starting fires, but super disruptive when everyone has work and school from home. We don’t even have decent cell service once we lose power, so it’s pretty hard to get much work done.

      And while infection rates are scary high, there are still so many people acting like there’s nothing wrong, it’s really disturbing.

      1. Yeah, a former co-worker of mine posted photos on Instagram of her daugher’s at-home wedding over the weekend. Looked like at least 50 people including elderly relatives, no masks in sight. *sigh*

         1. Here’s another good one: a member of my extended family living in the LA area already got COVID this summer from his nonstop travel and socializing, he enthusiastically voted for Trump and has downplayed the pandemic since day 1 (“it’s just a cold”), he hosted a multi-household indoor Christmas party, and got his COVID vaccine last week because he’s over 75. The only way I’m not exploding at him is by reminding myself that if his irresponsible *ss gets vaccinated, he might kill fewer people from here on out.

7. Different poster, also in California and I hardly got any sleep with the crazy wind and thudding noises.
   Also, I am unreasonably disappointed because this dress I really loved was finally down to $31, I had it in my cart on Friday and forgot to order. Today it’s sold out in my size and for other sizes is $128:
   Athleta Winona Dress
   I can’t spend that much on it but I love that it is snug on top and flared at the bottom for my pear figure, doesn’t emphasize a tummy, and has built in cups so you can skip a bra.
   Can someone give me an affordable alternative (<$50) or tell me why it's a terrible dress and I shouldn't have bought it anyway?

   1. They’re not in stock right now, but in the summer Uniqlo will have dresses very similar to that one that also have built in bras. Check their website in the spring. Old Navy also usually has similar fit and flare knit dresses, but without the bra (I think).

8. They’re not in stock right now, but in the summer Uniqlo will have dresses very similar to that one that also have built in bras. Check their website in the spring. Old Navy also usually has similar fit and flare knit dresses, but without the bra (I think).

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