Splurge Monday’s Workwear Report: The Meredith Executive Dress

326 Comments

1. Does anyone think a bar complaint should be filed against Pam Bondi for ethics violations?

   1. I’ll settle for treason charges against Elon Musk.

      1. Treason has a specific legal definition. How does Musk fit it?

      2. those would be nice too. is he not committing some kind of financial fraud yet? something the SEC could investigate him for?

         1. Would just result in the SEC being cancelled the next day, sadly.

   2. Like the bar complaint filed against John Eastman who went on to write the Plan for 2025? Very effective strategy, donkey

   3. No.

   4. Yes, although not because it will be effective but rather because it is important that history records how we collectively voiced our dissent in as many ways as possible.

      1. Agreed 100%.

         1. Fair. I agree.

      2. This. Yes.

   5. would this be just for taking the job, or something that she has done? Stupid question but there is so much happening that I can’t keep track (which I know is the point).

      1. For threatening criminal charges against businesses that have DEI policies.

   6. Maybe, for caving on prosecutorial discretion and erroneously calling DOJ attorneys “the president’s attorneys,” which is categorically wrong. But most bar associatons won’t take any action to discipline an attorney except for co-mingling funds. I worry that the courts, which universally have respected prosecutorial discretion, may now chip away at that centuries-old practice and start interfering in charging, dismissal, and plea bargain decisions by prosecutors, reasoning that their actions are not, actually, a result of discretion, but rather a result of complying with White House orders. (Nobody in the White House is a prosecutor, and therefore their discretion need not be honored by the courts.)

   7. No

2. Low stakes travel question:

   Does anyone have any recs for affordable (20-30€ range or under) restaurants and cafes of any cuisine in Vienna? I’ll be going with my sister and parents in early April for 3 days. We’re staying at the Hilton Vienna Plaza.

   Also would appreciate any recs on what to see or do – we will be in London right before Vienna, and this is my mom’s first time to Europe, but not for the rest of us.

   Things we already have on the to-visit list: Schonbrunn, Hofburg & Sisi Museum, Vienna State Opera guided tour or attending an opera, Mozart’s Apartment, the Belvedere, and possibly the Spanish Riding School. Are we going to be palace’d out after this? Should I throw in something contemporary like going to the top of the Danube Tower?

   TIA!

   1. I can’t comment on current affordability because it’s been a few years, but we liked Cafe Braunerhof, Cafe Sperl, and Tresniewski (sp?) for what felt like affordable eats. I recommend looking at the jewels in the Treasury as well.

      1. seconding Tresniewski!

         1. thirding Tresniewski (I lived in Vienna for a year). Go for a light lunch, have a splash (sorry, forgetting the word in Austro-German) of wine with it, and then go to Demel for the bite-sized Sacher Torte for dessert. Demel is much better than Sacher.
            Buy a Sacher Torte (not necessarily from Sacher or Demel, a cheaper cafe will do) in the wooden box to take home, or as gifts for others. They, ahem, last a while. Tell the lucky recipient to serve with whipped cream (Schlag), of course.
            The Naschmarkt is good to browse, and has a variety of not-expensive places to eat.
            It’s April, but order an Eiskaffee anyway. And try all the other elaborate coffees as well. It’s no place to be boring with plain coffees.
            The Central Cemetery (Zentral Friedhof) is a fantastic, and very Viennese, morning or afternoon out, especially if it’s a nice day. The Viennese love their rituals around burials. Pay a visit to whatever cultural figures you’d like; you can look up their final locations in advance. The museum is also great, with a fun gift shop. There’s also a cafe, for another Eiskaffee or the like.
            I love the Military History Museum, despite not really liking military history otherwise. They’ve got the car Franz Ferdinand was shot in (again, the gift shop has some good stuff).
            Before you go, watch or rewatch The Third Man, and you can also sign up for the English-language tours (drittemanntour.at). Those sell out (especially the English ones) well in advance, so book now. In that vein, the ferris wheel (Riesenrad) at the Prater is a fun way to get another view of the city.
            Also, just riding the tram around the Ringstrasse (do an entire loop) is an easy way to see Viennese history and how the city was transformed in the time of Franz Josef in the late 19th-century. The Votive Church is not old! You don’t need to pay for one of the fancy tours, just read a brief bit in a decent guidebook and sit back on the tram.

   2. We really liked Brasserie Palmenhaus Wien, which is next to the Schmetterlinghaus butterfly garden. Great patio overlooking the lawn and fun for watching the world walk by.
      We also enjoyed strolling some of the popular stretches of streets for shopping and having drinks, like Graben and Kärntner. Have so much fun! It’s a truly beautiful city.

   3. Vienna has some amazing museums! Two more that are a little more off the wall that I really liked are the Furniture Museum (Moebelmuseum Wien) and the Narrenturm, which used to be an asylum for the mentally ill and now has a big pathological and anatomical collection (not for the squeamish). Also the Haus des Meeres has an exhibit with monkeys and birds in the same space as you roaming free. Also fun and low-key: ride the tram, go to the Ringstrasse, and have a coffee by the cathedral.

   4. Go to the Hellbrunn Palace if you can. It’s a trip out of the city but very fun and memorable and its an entertaining memory.

   5. Definitely do an opera if you can! I was there in December and my friend and I got two seats (with kind of limited view) for like 60E total – we’re not huge opera folks, but it was a fun experience. For dinner after, we went to Plachuttas Gasthaus zur Oper that was right around the corner from the opera house.

   6. Hotel Sacher for sacher torte and coffee.

      1. +1

         Do this after your opera performance. It is right across the street, I believe.

   7. The Imperial War museum was amazing.

   8. Catch a show at the Spanish Riding School! Read the book by Marguerite Henry before you go…

   9. Thank you all for the Vienna recs!

   10. The Hundertwasserhaus was cool to see.

   11. I lived in Vienna briefly and couldn’t help myself by adding in. It’s my favorite city with so much wonderful culture.

       -If you have interest in art, the KHM (Kunsthistorisches Museum) and the Abertina are both wonderful. The Belvedere also houses many Klimts and is a beatiful palace. All of the museums are wonderful in Vienna and I would choose based on your interests.
       -The national library is gorgeous. It is located in the Hofburg palace.
       -I highly reccomend Demel. I prefer it to Hotel Sacher for the ambiance and that you can see the pastry chefs working in the back room.
       -The Prater is an amusement park with a beer garden. It’s surprisingly lovely and fun.
       -Go see an Opera or a concert at Musikverein. Must do in my opinion even if this wouldn’t be your usual pick.
       -Top of Stephansdom for the view.
       -Wine. There are vineyards on the outskirts of Vienna but probably won’t be as enjoyable in April. Either way, enjoy a glass of gruner vetliner.
       -Hundertwasserhaus is remarkable.
       -Kaffee and Kuchen (coffee and cake) is a must-do. The palemenhaus would be my top recommendation. Cafe Central is also great.

3. Checking in on my Federal friends. I heard RIFs went out at Commerce. Stay strong. Thinking about you.

   1. It’s been a tough month. I’m still employed for now, but there’s no promises going forward. Hope everyone else is hanging in there and finding the light in these times.
      Leaning into this quote from CS Lewis about community in times of great fear and uncertainty:
      “This is the first point to be made: and the first action to be taken is to pull ourselves together. If we are all going to be destroyed by an atomic b*mb, let that b*mb when it comes find us doing sensible and human things—praying, working, teaching, reading, listening to music, bathing the children, playing tennis, chatting to our friends over a pint and a game of darts—not huddled together like frightened sheep and thinking about b*mbs. They may break our bodies (a microbe can do that) but they need not dominate our minds.”

      1. Wow. I needed to read that today.

      2. Thank you for sharing this – I was having a bit of a despair morning, and this easy helpful.

      3. I was not familiar with that quote, but I love it so much. thank you.

      4. So dramatic. You are not the first people ever to face a layoff.

         1. Have you faced a layoff for purely political reasons?

            1. It’s not political. It’s shrinking government, which is what we voted for.

            2. Nope, it’s putting people in harms way to score political points. I’ll think of you when the large bank I examine lets sex traffickers launder money through the bank because the team of regulators to prevent that from happening was understaffed. I’ll also think of you when the bank fails and the economy crashes.

         2. This is mean. It’s still people’s lives being affected. If someone was sad their mom died, is that how you would respond? HAPPENS TO EVERYONE, SUCK IT UP.

            1. +1

            2. @1:37 pm
               y’all voted, in this political landscape, to demolish our institutions. so yes, the actions and damaging results are political

         3. True, short sighted predatory capitalism has already been making everything in our lives worse in private corporate contexts. But I seldom see people be dramatic enough about the harm it’s already caused! And now that they’ve bled other industries dry and left them worse off in every way, of course they have to push for privatization to have new targets.

         4. Federal employees are not the first or only folks facing layoffs, nor will we be the last.
            We’re all trying our best with the skills we have. Facing uncertainty is a challenge- I am not ashamed to admit that I am struggling with facing the current moment. I wanted to share my situation with the group because there is strength in knowing that you are not alone. We have strength and wisdom in numbers.
            Wishing you the same peace I am seeking.

         5. Not-see sympathizer alert.

   2. It’s rough. The news about gutting the CFPB – while not unexpected – hits hard. I know most people don’t even know about the agency but it has a positive ROI and does so much for consumers.

      I’m also really wondering about the endgame here. I try not to fall victim to a doom loop but I had been expecting that the courts would help slow everything down. I didn’t realize that the US Marshal service is who enforces court orders, and they work for Pam Bondi. So I don’t have much hope at all for judicial enforcement.

   3. This was a very kind thing to write. Sending thoughts to anyone at Commerce or other agencies who’s impacted by all of this pointless chaos.

      I also propose to fellow readers that we ignore the 1-2 trolls. A decent person does not need to taunt others facing layoffs, regardless of their politics. What we’re witnessing is what happens when a person attaches themselves to a particularly cruel politician – their own humanity drains away. Let them live in their mean-spiritedness and fundamental lack of humanity. It’s its own punishment.

      1. True. Look at how long the everyday German citizen lived in shame.

4. While I’m glad they were finally released, the condition of the hostages released over the weekend was heartbreaking. And the one who didn’t know that his wife and kids had been killed. I’d imagine that was the only thing getting him through. Wasn’t the Red Cross supposed to visit the hostages at one point? Did that ever happen? And the dog and pony show with the release- seems like there are better uses for the funds required for that.

   1. No, Hamas did not allow the Red Cross to visit the hostages, instead aiming for maximum suffering for both the hostages and Palestinians at every stage.

      1. Why on earth not? I feel that we don’t even have proof of life and I’m assuming that hostages not released at this point are in fact dead (and have been for some time; I’d be shocked if some bodies are not lost).

      2. 100%. International Red Cross is complicit with Hamas. https://www.nytimes.com/2025/02/08/world/middleeast/israel-hamas-hostages-prisoners.html?unlocked_article_code=1.v04.yn8t.J9j81IMN0kap&smid=url-share

         1. Like UNRWA? And the ICC? And the ICJ? And Amnesty? And the international press?

   2. I don’t think the international Red Cross / Crescent / Crystal ever visited the Israeli hostages in Gaza because Hamas and then Palestinian Territories are not signatories to any international treaties on the treatment of prisoners of war, or even prisoners.

      Please correct me if I’m wrong in either fact or reasoning

      1. I think it’s more precise to say Red Cross didn’t visit because Hamas didn’t allow them to – the Red Cross can and does attempt to visit even if parties to the fighting are not signatories. And sometimes the flip side happens to – even signatories to international treaties don’t always abide by them, including allowing Red Cross visits

         1. And there is a least one signatory that has refused to comply with its obligations by barring the Red Cross from visiting its hostages and prisoners.

   3. It turns out that people who parachute into a concert to start murdering and r@ping people don’t follow normal precedent with allowing the Red Cross to visit hostages. It’s kind of unexpected, but it’s what happened.

      1. The prior 75 years or apartheid weren’t pleasant either.

   4. the dog and pony show is disgusting. If Hamas has money to do that, they should feed the Palestinians or spend it on infrastructure. I do not know how any of these people are ever ok again. Both the Israelis and the Palestinian civilians. My daughter in first grade has an Israeli girl in her class who moved to the U.S. a few weeks before school started not speaking a word of English. Her mom told me that every time she hears a siren on the road, she panics and thinks she is supposed to go into a bomb shelter.

      1. +1. Heartbreaking

   5. Do you have anything to say about the Palestinians who have been arbitrarily detained, burned with cigarettes, beaten, s*d*mized, denied food, sleep, and medical care in Israeli prisons? And go read AP, Amnesty or the New Yorker before you say it’s not true.

      1. I believe you and the Palestinians and it really shouldn’t be a contest on who has suffered the most individually or collectively

         And yes, I do speak up for them, as did 50% of Israelis who opposed Netanyahu on October 6 2023

   6. https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.timesofisrael.com/high-court-orders-govt-to-justify-ban-on-red-cross-visits-for-palestinian-prisoners/amp/

5. Besides this site and any newspapers you follow online, what sites do you jump over to in the day when you need a mental break and want to just to mentally veg for a minute? I used to like Cup of Jo but lately not so much. Other great content, refreshed daily, I can dip into when I have a 7 minute break and just want to decompress?

   1. Following! I’ve been needing recommendations as well. Something light and disconnected from politics would be ideal.

      1. Following! I need more of these breaks lately…

   2. Not exactly what you asked, but I read a chapter of whichever lighter novel I’m reading at the moment! I usually am reading a hardcover and one or two ebooks concurrently; the fluffiest of the latter two I read on the kindle app on my phone whenever I have downtime.

      1. This is what I’ve been doing. I used to go on Reddit, but then I kept seeing all the awful news headlines and it got overwhelming. Reading is much better for my mental health.

         1. Why are people on Reddit wildly aggressive? I joined only to post about home ownership and repair issues. I’ve been accused of being a shill, troll, or bot far too many times if I have a different opinion or ask a question. You’d think my post history would show I am, in fact, a real person with a 3 year old account posting in the same forums!

   3. Travel forums / accounts for upcoming trips. I keep a running Google doc to corral stray recs that look interesting!

   4. Reddit.

   5. Strategist over at New York mag– tends to give me the shoppies though. Also Who What Wear.

   6. I got a reddit account and downloaded the app. I deactivated the thing that recommends subreddit that I might like, so it’s just a feed of the ones I subscribe to, which are personal finance, cooking and sustainability topics. I just joined a bunch of gardening ones. It’s been a good way to get a bit of mindless scrolling without doom scrolling.

   7. The Court Jeweller is my favorite.

      1. OP here – I kid you not, I saw her for the first time this weekend on FB or insta, going into the drama of the greek wedding, the tiara debate, is/isn’t she preggers, etc. Had no idea there was a whole blog!

         1. Royal gossip is my favorite hobby – excluding the British royal family though because they are just toxic and their respective fandoms are unhinged.

            But give me some juicy stuff about the Dutch, Danish and Swedish, with some fashion (especially Maxima!), and sprinkle in some eye candy in form of the Spanish royals (Felipe only gets better with age and is 100% the best dressed!)…

6. Favorite cucumber recipes? I missed the trend last year since I’m not on TikTok, but I recently had kimchi cucumbers and loved them.

   I don’t usually like any pickled or fermented foods, but I do love tangy (I can’t explain it!)

   1. https://cooking.nytimes.com/recipes/1020217-cucumber-salad-with-roasted-peanuts-and-chile

   2. Gaby Dalkin’s cucumber and avocado salad.

   3. I like the cucumber sambal from this recipe:

      https://www.melskitchencafe.com/grilled-asian-chicken-with-peanut-noodles/

   4. I do this, or some variation of it, when I end up with an overabundance of cucumbers in my garden: https://www.inspiredtaste.net/23150/tangy-cucumber-salad-recipe/

   5. Lately I’ve been having cucumbers sliced, with a drizzle lemon juice, salt and pepper, and fresh dill.
      Add other veggies (tomatoes, sliced raw beets, carrots, etc.) as I have available.

   6. A friend of mine shared her Mexican family recipe for cucumber salad:
      Cucumber cubed, lots of lime juice, salt, pepper, and as much tabasco or your Mexican hot sauce of choice as you tolerate/like. Cilantro/coriander leaves, if you like. Sorry that I don’t have exact measurements since this is a dish that we throw together for any BBQ in less than 5 min. You can add avocado cubes for a richer salad.

   7. This Korean cucumber salad. I serve it with Korean ground beef, which we serve bowl style on rice, along with a sauce of guochujang mixed with mayo.

      https://kimchimari.com/korean-cucumber-salad/

7. Did any of you who grew up with working moms have times when you were just awful? I feel that I have taken several steps back, career-wise, to be less stressed and more there for my teen girls. But lately, it is just non-stop complaining, back-talking, etc. I just feel like a verbal punching bag. I also feel like as I’m aging, everything I’m touching turns to crap: career is now more McJob, teens are a mess, there isn’t a lot of runway left, etc. Maybe COVID wrecked us when out schools were closed the longest in our state and things the long tail as one of them is petrified of growing up and leaving the nest (but is as capable of adulting as the next kid) and other kid is annoyed and acting out likely because of living with one stressed out sibling (but if it weren’t this, maybe it would be something else). Friends say they act out with me because they feel safe (but this now isn’t a safe feeling space for me). Grateful to have a work trip coming up so we can get some distance and reset — they do seem to appreciate me only after doing without me for a bit.

   1. Going to copy something I found elsewhere online. It’s for raising little kids but I think the same lesson applies. Not sure what the answer is, but I think we need a paradigm shift.

      “Yeah, when I hear “hitting is developmentally normal” and “if your child hits you, it’s because you are their safe space” I just see red flags everywhere lol. I’m tired of reading moms’ posts about how they’ve burst into tears because their 5 y.o. slapped them across the face for the umpteenth time and they’re worried they may have traumatized the child for showing a normal human reaction.

      I am also uneasy about how many of the stories are about little boys hitting their moms, specifically, and while it’s not always boys/moms, it worries me about how many boys may be being raised to think that hitting your female source of emotional support is simply a “developmentally normal” expression of “big feelings”.

      1. Not the OP, but thank you for this. It expresses my intuitive discomfort with “they lash out because it’s safe” very well.

         When my son was 2, he hit me. I firmly told him no. He then ran at me with a fist in the air. I very firmly told him no, moved his fist down, and told him he can’t do that. How the heck else is he supposed to learn? Do I expect him to treat his classmates, friends, and girlfriends *better* than he treats his mom, and if so, doesn’t that also send a whacked message?

      2. I usually see this with kids who are on the autism spectrum (much further along it than my ASD-1 kid, who struggles with emotional regulation at times, but is never violent but is at least a girl about my size and not a teen boy who is taller / bigger / stronger). IDK what the answer is but I would see this as a bridge too far for a household where there are other children (or a rental where the family is worried about being kicked out).

      3. OP was pretty clear that this is just verbal here, and with girls.

         1. The same cultural attitude applies, though. Moms are not people. We exist only to serve our children’s every whim.

            1. That is totally true. And dads never see half of it because they are never there — they aren’t cutting their workdays short or volunteering in an interactive way for a kid activity (judging debate tournaments, etc.).

      4. YES. I have a teenage daughter who uses me as her emotional garbage dumpster. If I try to cut it off, a decade from now some therapist will tell her that her narcissistic mother inflicted trauma that’s the source of all her problems. The culture is toxic and it’s maddening.

         1. Omg the use of the word trauma for everything has to stop. My kids swim teacher told me that my kid said she’d had a trauma about swimming on her back. Once she banged her head on the wall. I rolled my eyes.

            1. Therapy-speak has entered everything, and it’s not OK.

            2. It’s not OK because it blows normal life challenges out of proportion while simultaneously trivializing genuine trauma, like abu$e.

         2. Yes, please do teach teenagers to cut this out. My younger sister was never informed that imposing her sour feelings on others, involuntarily, is unpleasant. She is in her 50’s now, and continues to “vent” at will, never having learned to control her emotions or at a minimum control expressing them without a filter, at least to family (I can’t imagine she does this at work). When I have called her on it, basically stating that I don’t appreciate her verbally vomiting all over me so that I am left coated with her upchuck, she says she’s just expressing how she feels. She doesn’t have a lot of friends left and is hopeless at coping with adversity, and I pity her.

            1. Wait — we have the same sister. Can we have a support group?

      5. I agree with this sentiment – my son is ASD-1 and we have a LOT of conversations about watching your tone, speaking with kindness, that it’s not ok to be overly blunt/rude, etc. Yes his brain defaults to being blunt but if you are old enough to be potty trained you can also learn that saying ‘that’s a stupid idea’ to a friend/teacher/parent is mean and to rephrase it before speaking.
         The default rules in my household is that we treate each other with kindness, we articulate our needs (nobody is a mind reader), and we apologize if we speak harshly/hurt someone else. Teens are not exempt from these rules (and I have a 13yr old and a 15 yr old so trust me I’m not a POOPCUP – Parent of One Perfect Child Under Preschool Age)

      6. No one is hitting?

      7. I think that’s a misinterpretation of what “developmentally normal” means. When I say “yeah, developmentally normal” I mean that kids that age often do that because of the skills they’re developing, you’re not a bad parent because they’re doing those things, and you need to work repeatedly to teach them how to handle things in a more mature way. It doesn’t mean “just wait around until they outgrow it.”

         1. This! I’m so confused by all the pushback to this phrase. “Developmentally normal” means you’re not a bad parent, you didn’t cause this, and your kid isn’t an outlier. It doesn’t mean you ignore the behavior, and I’ve never seen anyone suggest that it does.

   2. Teen girls are often awful to their moms. I don’t think it has anything to do with working vs SAHMing.

      1. This. But OP, it’s OK to set some boundaries with your teen daughters about how they speak to you. Yes, it’s developmentally normal. It also makes for a really unpleasant home environment. We have had to have several talks with our young teen son about how it’s not OK to take out frustrations on family members and treat them terribly just because you’re having a hard time. It is slowly working.

         Midlife is hard. Raising teens is hard. Hang in there.

         1. I’m stuck in mod but said the same thing above. My son is ASD and gets explosive/mean when angry so we have been talking about feelings for a LONG time now. My go to is ‘all feelings are ok, but it’s not ok to take your feelings out on someone else.’ It’s my job to help give them ways to recognize, articulate, and manage their emotions, not to be a punching bag. If my kids leave my house unable to do that and thinking it’s ok to blow up at their family/friends that’s a failure on my part.

         2. Agree entirely. I’m a working single mom raising a teen boy and tween girl, and I was raised by a single working mom. Boundaries are not about what other people do, but how you will respond. I have zero problem telling either kid, “I will not be talked to that way. When you’re ready to speak with me, I’ll be in my office.” And then turning around and walking away. They can have all the big, angsty, teenage feelings in the world, but that doesn’t make it ok to dress me down.

      2. Agree with this. OP, I remember being awful to my mom (because she was a safe space for all my insane feelings!) and am bracing myself for the teenage years with my own girls. My mom and I had a very good relationship through my 20s, until I had kids and things went off the rails for a bit, and are still not quite on track.

      3. Are they, though? Why do we accept this as normal, and is it a self-fulfilling prophecy? My sisters and I were never categorically awful to our mom. There were isolated incidents, sure, but we remained super close and loving throughout our teens. My friends/older cousins with girls who were totally plugged in to motherhood say the same things – every stage is their favorite because they enjoy their kids so much.

         Honestly, I think a lot has to do with how securely attached kids are to their mom, and how attuned the mom (parent) is to the kids starting from toddlerhood on up.

         I’m not mom-shaming, I’m pushing back on this cultural narrative. It’s not a given.

         1. Secure attachment? What’s that? Surely it’s normal to be hyper independent because your mom started abandoning you at sports practice solo age 6? Let’s play the game of will she remember to pick me up today!

         2. This is 100% mom-shaming. Kids will behave fine if their moms drop everything on demand to demonstrate how attuned they are to their children’s needs?

            1. Nah so many parents suck, but their ego gets in the way of acknowledgement and growth. So they just mess up their kids rather than fix their own issues.

         3. It’s the opposite actually. The more secure the attachment, the more comfortable kids are being awful to their parents. I have younger kids not teens, but it’s definitely more common for them to act out and misbehave with us than with teachers, coaches or other adults and all of my friends have observed the same pattern. Developmentally healthy kids hold it together for the outside world and let it all out with their parents that they trust more than anyone else. There’s tons of published research that supports this if you don’t believe me. I’m not excusing misbehavior, whether from little kids or teens, and it needs to be corrected when it happens, but this idea that teens are mean to their parents because they’re not securely attached is just mom-shaming nonsense.

   3. I think it’s good that your kids think you are their “safe space” but that doesn’t mean they can be rude or nasty to you. If possible, set boundaries and let them know they can talk about anything but it needs to be in a constructive manner. I think that’s something adults need to keep in mind as well when they get into romantic relationships.

   4. I think this is pretty much to be expected. Parents are annoying. Siblings are annoying. Kids are annoying. You’re all stuck living in the same house and have to get along, but you’re the adult and the one who decided to bring them into the world, which they had no choice about so you have the most responsibility to suck it up and help them deal. They’ll eventually grow up and it will get better. I love my mom, but we are very very different people and get along so much better when we don’t live together or even spend more than a few hours at a time together.

   5. Observing my daughter’s peers and my friends’ and relatives’ kids, it seems that a lot of today’s teens, college students, and young adults are afraid of becoming independent adults. I don’t know how much of it we can really blame on the pandemic. Long before the pandemic, I noticed that other parents were refusing to let their younger kids take the first steps towards building independence, like going to sleepaway camp, doing crafts/cooking/projects on their own so they could learn to solve problems, etc. You can’t prevent your kid from doing anything without parental involvement for 18 years and then expect a switch to flip and for them suddenly to want to drive and get a job and do everything on their own. It’s no wonder that we’ve raised a generation of kids who don’t want to learn to drive or have their own apartments.

      1. And on the driving bit, I have done 100% of my kid’s behind the wheel with a parent driving (basically a year’s worth of road hours). It isn’t for the faint of heart, but I am not sending her into the world not driving. But it has not improved our relationship in the short term.

      2. My kids are a little younger (8-13) but we have told them for years that it is our job as parents to raise them to be independent and, ideally, people we like to spend time with once they are adults. The latter is a bonus; they didn’t choose to be born to me and they don’t owe me the future.

         It has served us well so far. Even when they complain about our rules or policies, we try to do our best to explain them and even if they don’t agree, they understand where we are coming from and what would need to change for the answer to change.

   6. Even though it hurts they’re acting out because you are a safe person. I did not act out at home, you know why? My mom was known to chase me around the house with a knife. I escaped that house at 17 and see my parents maybe 2 days a year. Also keeping it all in at home meant my issues came out elsewhere which for me was at unsavoury parties because I couldn’t act out at school either since I needed good grades to escape.

      1. Life is so much better since I dropped the rope & see my parents zero times a year! Truly.

   7. If distance seems to help, give them more distance. Sleepaway camps during the summer, an afterschool job, let the independent one drive or ride the bus to and from school. Let them eat reheated leftovers for dinner or make a grilled cheese and soup to eat in their room instead of having a seated family dinner. The outwardly healthiest families I knew growing up didn’t try to force togetherness for the pretense of happiness and it served them well.

      1. This x 1 million.

      2. Yep. I was terrible at sports but played no-cut sports year-round so I wouldn’t have to go home after school.

      3. Yes, this. I’m the one above who said that I get along best when not living with my mom and this is basically the path I took in high school because I really didn’t want to fight with my mom but she just couldn’t leave me alone when I was around her and doing something different than the way she thought it should be done. The result was that I basically ghosted my family, being out of house from 7 am to 10 pm and then going to college and grad school on the other side of the other side of the country and barely coming home for a decade. In retrospect, it probably would have been better if we could have taken a more moderate path, but it did keep us from actually fighting much and we get along well now.

   8. Random suggestion: do they play sports or exercise regularly? Endorphins and exercise can do a lot to ameliorate teenage hormonal swings.

      Obviously, some high school sports are just nuts in terms of time commitment (regular out of state travel), and most have try outs. The track and cross country teams are usually good, though: you can walk on and the meets aren’t huge affairs requiring long travel.

      Absent that, maybe get them a membership at the local Y and let them swim or bike off some energy.

      1. In our school / city, high school sports will dominate a family’s and a students time and leave little room for anything else. It is truly insane. Sports are so good for mental health and regulation, but if a kid needs to go to a study session or tutoring or doctor or just can’t arrange rides 5/5 days a week every week, they basically will get kicked off of a team vs just a penalty like not starting. There needs to be rec sports also but it’s all or nothing where I live.

         1. Are there no cut sports? Our high school has several, including track, ultimate frisbee, and swim.

      2. I have zero athletic ability but started regularly working out in high school. Nothing crazy just a run or a gym session most days. It’s not a bad time to establish that habit. Sports are still a huge challenge but the habit stuck forever.

   9. What’s behind the fear of growing up? Are they high school juniors/seniors? Are there some tasks around the house that they can take over to have something to channel that anxiety into, that will also help? Budgeting? Food shopping and cooking?

      1. They need jobs. If they are too busy during the school year, they should get summer jobs. There is nowhere that a teen is treated more like an adult than at a job, and it builds a lot of confidence and independence.

   10. I think distance is good!

       My mom was a working mom … teaching at the middle I went to (only one in the district, combined campus with the high school so even then we were together a lot). She never taught me, but taught my friends and kids I didn’t get along with, everyone knew her, she did coach me in a few sports – I think it was too much time together. My friends who had SAHMs also felt like they had too much time together with their moms (and that their moms had too much time and energy to focus on them).

       I was at times terrible to her, but most teens are terrible to their parents at some point. We both have strong personalities so when we clash, we really clash (I’m in my 30s and it still happens on occasion!). While I definitely complained a lot and slammed some doors and we’d both yell at each other (shes always been a yeller), there were definitely no personal attacks or and I didn’t use her as a verbal punching bag – a) I don’t think I was saying anything mean spirited and b) our fights were definitely two sided. I don’t think I would have been perfect (still was a moody teen!) but I think I would have been better if my mom had less of a temper.

       Part of our issue was that I was so independent and wanted to be even more independent, but also sometimes still needed nurturing even if it made me cranky to receive it (teens are fun). But also, my mom had a lot on her plate and didn’t always have the ability to support me when and how I needed it.

       1. In Jane Austen and similar novels, don’t teen girls get to sent to other households to learn skills and be helpful? I swear they were on to something — go somewhere else and come back a whole finished person.

          1. This was common in the lower and middle classes for centuries in Europe, but not for the upper classes. This does not happen in any Jane Austen novel, though children are often mentioned as having been sent away to (boarding) school. They were not doing housework, but learning french, needlework, dancing, piano, etc.

             1. In the Austen novels the heroine will often go traveling with relatives or to stay with them. It’s about giving the young ladies a broader life experience and social exposure.

          2. This seems like a terrible idea. Many of my friends were sent away to boarding school and they now have high functioning addiction issues, important jobs, and tenuous relationships with family. Sending your kid away seems like a great way to eff them up.

             1. Yeah that history kind of explained a lot in my opinion about one side of my family’s attitudes about customer service, work ethic, fawning around authority figures, and generally having the kids do all the chores and wait on adults like household staff, as well as generations of very strained relationships with parents and family.

                The other side of my family sometimes sent kids away, and probably sometimes because of friction, but it was always framed as more of a fun opportunity, like stay with your close and beloved aunt so-and-so over the summer, work a summer job, and help out around the house in a normal member of the household vein, not like an actual servant getting rented out to a richer family!

          3. Maybe something like a semester abroad or being a sleep-away counselor in training?

   11. i see me posting this at some point in my future. i have 6.5 year old fraternal twin girls.

       1. I have largely been refraining from comment on OP’s post because I did not have this issue with either my (working) mother or my (now adult) daughter. But if your children are 6, it is not too soon to start teaching them NOW that:
          You are entitled to your feelings and your feelings are valid. I am happy to talk to you about your feelings and how I can help . However, you may not be rude and the consequences for doing so will be swift and severe. (And before anyone jumps on me about abuse, I am talking about the Wi-Fi password being changed or losing TV privileges, not chasing her around with a knife.) All of this without raising your voice or getting emotional.

          And as they enter adolescence, it is worth an honest conversation about hormones and how they make YOU feel and how much harder it was when you were young, but that you try not to take your bad mood out on others and they are going to have to learn to do that as well.

          Also +100 to “developmentally appropriate” does not mean acceptable. It is developmentally appropriate for a 2 years old to bite. That does not mean we do not teach them that is not acceptable.

   12. I tell my girls to change their tone when speaking to me if they get really sassy. My mantra is nice or nothing when speaking to each other—our home is a safe space for the family and you can’t say mean things to each other. We are all one team, we support each other. It’s exhausting to implement all the time but slightly better than before.

       1. I strongly agree with not allowing family members to say mean things to each other.

       2. This is SUCH an important lesson. Creating/having a safe space for yourself does NOT mean making an unsafe space for someone else. That includes parents and siblings.

   13. My mom was NOT a career mom. She was largely SAH and volunteered all the time. We had an objectively terrible relationship. We still do. It had nothing to do with her working status.

       I’d step back and make sure you are getting some quality time with each of your kids, even in small doses. In fact, small doses might be better/all that the various parties can tolerate.

   14. Among my friends in high school there was a mix of SAHMs, moms with part time jobs (9 to 5 at a local office a couple days a week), and stay at home dads with breadwinner moms. All of us went through a bratty, angsty phase. If your kids need more opportunities to be independent at home and outside the house then let them do that. But don’t beat yourself up for simply having a job.

   15. Do you think teenage girls aren’t jerks to their stay at home moms? This is developmentally normal

       1. “Developmentally normal” has become such a buzzword in gentle parenting circles. It’s used to justify any and all undesirable behavior. Something can be normal and also in need of correction – we don’t let toddlers bite their friends day after day just because it’s normal. All normal means is that the pediatrician won’t say “what, that’s crazy!!”

          1. +100 it’s nice to learn it’s normal but its still on the parents to reinforce what behavior is acceptable.

          2. Agree with this. Teenagers will be difficult, thats developmentally normal but you can set boundaries and consequences for not adhering to those boundaries.

          3. I don’t think the 10:53 poster meant it in the gentle parenting “let kids walk all over you” way. I think they meant that the behavior is clearly not specific to OP being a working mom because this is developmentally normal and almost all kids do it.

          4. I just meant, I don’t think this is because she’s a working mom. Stay at home moms also have to deal with this.

          5. +1. My son has ADHD and sensory processing disorder. I use “developmentally normal” to remind myself that I don’t need to pathologize an undesirable behavior, and teaching our son not to do the thing is part of the parenting experience even if it ruins my morning. If the behavior is not developmentally normal, we reach out to the appropriate therapists so they can help us figure out how to modify the behavior, and maybe we’re a little more patient or provide more scaffolding.

             So, for example, maybe it’s developmentally normal for my kid to yell at us when we tell him it’s time to stop playing on his Switch. It’s not acceptable, so we just parent him and maybe take away his Switch for a few days or up to a week, have a conversation about how to deal with his feelings, and ask him to apologize. But if he also bangs his head on the floor when he’s upset, that’s a level and expression of distress that’s not developmentally normal for a 9 year old, and our regular parenting strategies aren’t going to make him stop the behavior in the future. So, in addition to the regular parenting stuff, we’ll talk to his therapists about how to help him with emotional regulation, and we’ll help him develop ways to avoid or deal with the things that upset him most.

   16. I don’t know if this is feasible, but my daughters have both thrived with more independence. Some of it is pretty specific to where we live (our kids can walk to restaurants and stores, etc.). But I have been shocked at how restrictive some of my friends are with real life situations for their kids, and I’m sure it’s maddening for the kids. Example – my 12 year old has a dance class on Saturday morning, then two hours after it finishes, she has a voice lesson in the same spot. The studio is in a central location, a few blocks to the library, coffee shops, stores, etc., and there are three girls who are friends that do dance then music. I just assumed the kids would entertain themselves for two hours, and the parents would drop off before dance and pick up after voice — but the other two parents set up a rotating schedule for one of us to shadow them each week. Wut! They are 12! It’s fine!!

       1. I was a very independent kid and teen and it was truly maddening how much my parents tried to restrict me from doing age-appropriate things like walking to the post office or taking a direct flight to Grandma solo at age 13. It drove me up the wall and I went as far as I could for college as a result. It varies by family, but if a kid is chafing at restrictions, it’s usually a mistake to force more bonding time in an attempt to repair things.

          1. Agreed. I’m the OP right above you, and the walkable “downtown” of our community is about a half mile through a suburban neighborhood with sidewalks. The kids have been walking alone to the library, bookstore, and a little cafe since they were 6 and 8. 1) It’s good exercise for them, and (2) they love coming home and telling me about their adventures. It wouldn’t be the same if I was with them all the time – they wouldn’t feel emboldened or independent, and the connection at home after they return from their little adventures feeling victorious and wanting to share wouldn’t be the same.

          2. My parents had my younger sister and I fly a (layover) flight to our grandparents as unacompanied minors when I was 12. I do NOT recommend that but there is a big difference between expecting your kid to navigate a layover in O’Hare pre cell phones and walking around for a few hours solo.

             1. Kids under 15 are no longer allowed to fly without unaccompanied minor services to take them from gate to gate and supervise them during layovers.

             2. Yeah, that’s fair. Usually, when they are wandering or home alone or babysitting, there is always a person locally who can swoop in and help if needed. My 12 year old watches a neighbor’s 5 year old pretty regularly, and if we aren’t home at the time, we make sure another neighbor/close friend is available if there is an emergency. 12 and 14 yr olds can handle most situations that go as expected (babysitting, eating at a cafe, going to a bookstore), but it’s good to have an adult who can show up quickly if something unusual comes up or happens.

             3. I’m at 11:59 — and forgot to add my last sentences that agreed with 11:44. I like that my kids have lots of independence, but there is an easily accessible safety net right there. It would be hard to find a safe, trusted adult who could and would swoop in to help on a layover in O’Hare, so I’m glad to hear that under 15 yo’s now have some scaffolding and support if they are flying unaccompanied. Hope you were safe when you were flying unaccompanied 11:44!

             4. Depends on the airline. Southwest allows it for 12+ (at least IME).

             5. I HATE the no flying without a flight attendant under 15!! I flew alone at 12 (direct flight) and it was totally fine. Layovers are iffier, especially if there’s any risk of getting stranded overnight, but I think many 12-14 year olds are fine to fly alone on a direct flight, and the flight attendant babysitting is insulting, expensive and requires you to sit in the last row of the plane, so you can’t sit in an economy plus seat even if you’re willing to pay for it.

             6. My kids never did it because UA flying was so restrictive and expensive! It was cheaper when they were small for my mom to buy a ticket and fly with them.

       2. This. We let my 7th grader walk from school to his rec league sports with a few friends and grab a snack on the way. The Y has open gym hours and kids sign in/out (and random kids/adults aren’t allowed in unless they are there for a program). It gives him a lot of confidence and he loves being able to have ‘unsupervised’ time. Thankfully the other Gen-X parents are also fully on board and the kids all love it.

       3. Agree 100 percent. My parents were extremely restrictive about everything when I was a teen. Because they just refused to even hear my point of view, I just started lying to them. I snuck out a lot and skipped team practices to hang out with my sketchy bad boyfriend and smoke w—d and do other bad things. In college I did a lot of drugs and other stuff I regret. My mother and I somewhat repaired our relationship when she acknowledged the way they treated me was wrong. My dad died before we could get there.

          I will not be this parent to my daughter.

       4. That’s crazy! They can 100% entertain themselves. Then again, I’m a GenX who let my 8yos walk to the local grocery store (that they’d been walking to all their lives) and have been allowing more and more independence ever since.

   17. My daughter is a junior in high school and I’ve 100% had weeks/months where it was just nonstop misery. The complaining, the back-talk, the OMG you’re ruining my life, the tears over the smallest nonsense. It’s so hard. I had to learn to back away, sometimes let her father deal with her drama, and tell her when she was out of line in being critical of me. And while I’m probably traumatizing her a little bit as a farirly no-nonsense GenX parent, I do think therapy benefits every adult so at least she’s got some material for her therapist in her 20s!

   18. I think all teenagers have moments of being awful to their parents, especially daughter to mother. I was raised by a single working mom. I’m sure there were times I was awful, and my tween and teen certainly are to me. My advice is to focus your life, especially as your children go through teenage years to 20s, on you (and your spouse, if applicable). By all means, let your kids know that you are there for them and will be if they need you, but then go build a life that you want to live for the next 30-50 years. You say that you don’t have a lot of runway left, but that is entirely a mindset and not a preordained reality.

   19. agree with others that I don’t think working v SAH mom is the difference here.
       I don’t think I was like, consistently awful to my mom in teenage years but we definitely had some rough periods (very strict rules for a kid that was getting straight A’s, good friends, etc.) – complaining, back talk etc. is *typical* but doesn’t mean you shouldn’t push back on rudeness. Do they have part time jobs? Extracurriculars? I had one hobby my mom & I shared and that was always a good time to have life conversations.
       I’ll also push back on feeling like there’s not much ‘runway’ left – sure maybe they are leaving for college soon, but I needed my mom in college & fresh-adult life in a lot of ways more than I did at the end of high school. We’re pretty close now as well – there’s hope!

   20. As others have said I don’t think this has anything to do with whether you’re working.

       It sounds like you know what’s bothering them. I’d try exploring the underlying issues. I think the behavior you described can be a cry for help.

8. I am in Orlando for a conference at the end of the month. I’m going a day early to meet with clients so have to book my own hotel. I’d like a Marriott. The client is in Altamonte Springs. I know nothing about the city.

   First, any Marriott hotel recs? Had my eye on TownPlace Suites Orlando Downtown on Columbia Street or Residence Inn Orlando Downtown on North Orange Ave. Are those safe locations? I get in late so I’m literally just sleeping there but want to know it’s a decent location.

   Also, can I uber to/from Alamonte Springs? Not sure how far the Uber reach is down there.

   TIA!

   1. Highly recommend the Winter Park/Maitland area. Super safe and walkable with great restaurants.

      Also nice to be north of downtown to cut down on the commute travel.

9. Help me plan a long weekend for spring break for teens in the SEUS in mid-April (the week before Easter). I’d love a warmer city trip where we could walk to cool museums OR a good “inn” where we could go on some easy day hikes. We were hoping to tour colleges but are now concerned that many schools won’t be fully open or it will be a weekend, so scrambling for a way to do something meaningful with our free time. Driveable from Raleigh (will have a car).

   1. Why wouldn’t colleges be open? University spring break schedules don’t typically align with HS, at least not in our region.

      1. They align in our part of the Midwest but they’re in March not April. I wouldn’t worry too much about schools being off unless it’s a Christian school that would be off for Easter.
         Also even during spring break you can normally visit the campus and take a tour and meet students (many stick around), you just wouldn’t be able to visit classes.

         1. Also Midwest. Colleges in my state are usually off in early March, sometimes even late February, while K-12 almost always with very rare exceptions have spring break the first full week of April.

   2. College spring break is usually mid-March – with Easter so late that’s only like 3 weeks before finals. People are around.

   3. Sorry — it seems that colleges are pivoting towards events for admitted students and we are going to drive through / walk around schools to give a sense of large / small, urban / college town, but try to do any serious looking in the fall when there are more organized tours at some likely schools and we have some school breaks that line up well (and if we have SATs in hand by then, that may help shape a list that makes more sense; no need to travel for a serious tour when so much is up in the air).

      TL;DR: this will be mainly a “play” trip vs a serious trip, one last time.

      1. Have you actually looked at the tour schedules for the schools in which they’re interested? It varies a lot and generalizations are risky.

      2. Sorry are you the OP of this thread? The original post says “We were hoping to tour colleges but are now concerned that many schools won’t be fully open or it will be a weekend” but for a “play” visit, that seems irrelevant?

         When I was a 14-16yo with strong academics, we casually went to an array of schools that seemed like they’d be within reach. Some were formal and some were just walking around campus to get the vibe. All were valuable. I ended up with a clear preference of environment and went early decision successfully.

   4. Old Edwards Inn in Highlands, NC could work. There are some nice hikes around there. From what I have read, Highlands was not impacted by the hurricane at all.

   5. If you’re up for staying in NC, you could try the Old Edwards Inn and Spa in Highlands.

   6. Chattanooga, TN has hiking, good restaurants, museums. Weather could be mild or warm…really could go either way.

      Memphis – great history, lots of museums, great food. Our weather is typically mild in April, but there is a chance of severe storms that time of year.

      1. Oops, missed “driveable from Raleigh”. Memphis would be driveable, just long.

   7. I think DC is the only city driveable from Raleigh that I would considerable walkable to multiple cool museums. Maybe Philly but I don’t really know anything about their museums. For hiking, something in Asheville? I haven’t stayed there but people always seem to rave about Grove Park Inn.

      1. Philly has a lot of cool museums and decent public transit

   8. Charlottesville could be really fun for the weekend. A very good university, great food, great hiking, other colleges within driving distance, so it seems like a good choice.

   9. Savannah? Definitely driveable from Raleigh and walkable. There are some larger musueums– mostly house museums. Plenty to do and definitely teen-friendly. You could also go to Tybee Island for the beach for a day.

   10. ohhhh, you could do a multi-city — Williamsburg, and stay at the Williamsburg Lodge and tour W&M, then go to Charlottesville for UVA.

       And, one of my most favorite college trips that happened by accident was Lexington, VA. The hiking there is BEAUTIFUL, and you could look at Washington and Lee.

       Full disclosure – I did this exact trip when I was high school, and even though the schools weren’t really the right fit for me, I really got a feel for three different types of colleges. It helped me hone what I was looking for and what I didn’t want in a school. I.e., I loved Lexington as a long weekend and place to hike, but knew I’d feel completely trapped if I went to a really small, very remote college. Prior to that visit, I was sure I wanted to go to a very small school.

10. The Red Cross essentially functions on diplomacy and good will – there’s really not much they can do other than ask, if Hamas – or any other belligerent – refuses to allow prisoner visits, or insists on making a public spectacle of hostage releases. They are somewhat stuck between a rock and a hard place – what do you expect them to do, refuse to accept the hostages at all if the transfers are undignified? That’s not their role, and it doesn’t make them complicit with Hamas

    1. Are they even trying to visit captives though?

       1. And if they did, would it be appropriate to tell them their family is dead?

          1. Yes, of course it would be??

             1. IDK, maybe just let them focus on their own survival?

    2. (Don’t know why this failed to nest)
       Yes, the Red Cross tried to visit the hostages, and they were turned down. They have also requested to send aid packages to the hostages, including medication – Hamas has accepted some supplies and agreed to deliver them to the hostages, but obviously there are good reasons not to take Hamas at their word those were actually delivered to the hostages. In recent days, the RC has condemned the chaotic public handovers, and called for them to be “private and dignified” going forward.

       Here’s a link to the RC’s faq that addresses many of those questions:
       https://www.icrc.org/en/document/frequently-asked-questions-icrc-and-hostages-held-gaza

11. This might be a silly question, but how do you network? I am mid-career in-house counsel and every job I’ve gotten has been through cold applying. I am looking for a change and not getting much traction with this method and I want to try “working” my network. But I feel uncomfortable straight up contacting people asking them for something. I also haven’t been the best about keeping up with colleagues due to life events (cancer, motherhood) so feel weird about asking people for help out of the blue. I have a few meetings set up this week where I was introduced by an old boss, and I’m not sure how to handle those. In addition, do I just randomly start contacting people on LinkedIn and ask them to coffee? Just get to know them and try to drop in to natural conversation that I’m looking? I am normally a socially adept person but so not a salesman so this has always been a bit of a struggle of mine — both in my personal and professional life. I also have a conference coming up in a few months and want to maximize success there, so I am open to all suggestions for that!

    1. Start by having lunch or coffee with former colleagues and friends you haven’t seen in a while. And do it regularly so when you see a job they have a connection to, it’s not weird. Networking is another word for maintaining your social group.

       1. Agree with this wholeheartedly. I have an acquaintance who is/was (she’s retired now) amazing at networking. If your name was in the legal newspaper, she’d sent you a little note saying she saw it and congratulations. If she was in your neck of the woods she’d call you for coffee. I’m sure she does this with everybody she’s ever met, and as a result she has an incredible network and it must work because she’s ended up being a judge and president of a big professional organization, and won big professional awards from time to time.

    2. I have gotten all of my in house jobs through referrals. If you see a job posting, look on LinkedIn to see if you have any close connections. If so, ask your contact to introduce you to the person at the hiring company. That has worked for me many times, even if I had not spoken to those contacts recently.

    3. When I feel awkward about asking for something, I imagine if the scenario were flipped. If someone I knew reached out to me saying they were on the hunt, I’d be happy to keep an eye out (barring any egregious past behavior).

       Two caveats: I wouldn’t randomly message strangers on Linkedin and I would be transparent about my goals.

    4. Do not cold-message people for coffee. This is when you start quietly reaching out to acquaintances that went a little “cold” to catch up. If you were ever at a firm, they may have an alumni relations contact that would love to give people a heads up to watch for openings at clients.

    5. in addition to the (good!) networking advice, I’ll say if I had a former colleague reach out – who hadn’t really kept in touch but I liked working with them – I’d be happy to refer them if I knew of an opening. So I wouldn’t be too afraid of the cold reach out, if it’s someone you’ve actually had a work relationship with.

12. I am in house at a F500 and am updating my resume to start looking for a new role. It has been a long time since I’ve done this, so I am not sure what goes these days. For example, I am in a leadership role for an employee resource group. Does that kind of thing get a bullet? What about selection in a company women’s leadership program for top performers? Are these not resume worthy or are they too politically sensitive?

    1. I recently updated my resume after many years. I’ve held multiple roles within my organization, so I included descriptions of those roles and then included a section entitled “General” that lists awards and leadership positions I’ve held. I don’t know if this is correct, but it seems to work because these items have spanned multiple roles. For example, I’m a mentor for a diversity program and I kept it on my resume; it’s work I’m proud of and I don’t want to work for a company where this sort of mentoring would be too sensitive.

       1. I feel the same way, so this seems like a good approach. Thank you!

    2. I’d do a bullet titled something like ‘Company Program Leadership’ and then put those as sub-bullets.

    3. do you want to work for an employer or boss that’d be offended by those things?

       I think include them if there’s room, but don’t take off tangible achievements to do so. The scope & weight of those internal awards or roles varies so much between orgs that it shouldn’t eat up too much space.

13. I went to a small state college as an out of state student where I didn’t declare a major until the end of my sophomore year and it was just that: declaring a major. I didn’t have to hope there were spots in the history program or that I might not get needed classes to get my degree. People who changed their minds late had to hustle and maybe go to summer school to get caught up, especially in the hard sciences, but they finished on time if they were diligent.

    Can someone explain the concept of “impacted” majors? Like is this an admissions thing, a might get taken out on out-of-state students thing or you might need 6 years to finish thing? One kid is interested in nursing/health care and the other in accounting, and it seems that this is an area where “impacted” happens at some schools but it is very fuzzy to me — I run into a lot of distraught parents of slightly older kids and it’s making me realize that I am not prepared for this (but maybe that is why people hire their own college guides).

    1. I’m not sure what you mean by “impacted”?
       I went through a *lot* of majors in college before ending up in Journalism/Advertising. I had to apply for my major because of demand (great J-school). It was common at my school to have to apply for some majors.

    2. Just let your daughter choose her own school please. I’ve never ever seen such anxiety over every aspect of college before.

       1. +1. Could you at least work on making your posts coherent — like you’re addressing them to an audience? It reads like a journal entry that’s an anxiety dump & a rumination & not something intended for us.

          1. How about OP using a username or flagging the posts as “more college talk” or something? Please!

    3. I think of it as more of a public vs private school thing, and maybe also depends on how selective the college is? At the state school I work at, you apply to a specific major and changing major requires admission to the new major. At the Ivy I went to, you still just apply for general admission and declare a major once you’re there and can change your mind just by submitting a form saying you’ve changed your mind.
       Caveat that even among the highly selective private schools there have always been niche programs that you have to apply to specifically.

       1. I was at a selective (but not Ivy) private school and this matches my experience. Niche programs have to be applied to specifically and are hard to switch into (because it’s a pretty structured 4 years), but normal colleges and majors didn’t require that – switching into a different college or changing majors was simply a matter of paperwork.

          1. This was my experience as well. You can usually figure out how to get a psychology or history degree if you declare at the end of sophomore year. The same cannot be said of engineering (highly structured and usually it’s own school), accounting (highly structured), etc.

    4. It’s an admissions thing. Some majors are so populated that there isn’t enough faculty/lab space/whathaveyou. Some schools deal with that at the admissions level, some once you get there.

       I have to agree with another commenter. Let your kid figure this out. People over complicate college stuff, and there’s a whole industry designed around that over complication. I’m a university professor, and there’s almost never anything good on the other side from the kids whose parents/counselors/paid coaches were over-involved.

       1. Fair enough. But the “impacted” label is not self-defining and IMO isn’t helpful. Saying things like “there are 100 spots in our engineering program,” or whatever the truth is, is helpful. So “there are limited spots at this UC for X program and in-state students will be prioritized” is helpful (and makes me question why any parent would agree to a school where you pay multiples but are a second-class citizen there).

          1. Agree with all of this.

          2. Yes, but a high school senior is old enough to figure this stuff out on her own.

             The major may change, the required courses may change, your daughter’s interests may change – the most important factor in her success will be her ability to find solutions to the problems she faces without your help.

          3. Also, for at least some UC schools, you generally cannot change majors if a change would delay graduation. This is motivated by leadership’s efforts to boost the percentage ratings for “graduated within 4 years” or similar.

    5. Check on your high school senior parent friends. Between fears that loans will be affected and school funding cut to the point that COA shoots up, it is all fear that ramps up each week. They are not OK.

    6. Please correct me, but I thought that was because they don’t want a bunch of people failing out of their majors because it’s bad for their ratings, so they don’t “officially” let you until after you’ve had some classes under your belt. Then this weeds out the horrible students – pretty much everyone who is capable of graduating is accepted in to the majors. You’re basically in the major when you’re a freshman, aside from the official admittance. It’s not something to worry about.

       1. Not true at the state university I work at. Some selective majors, especially CS and engineering, have GPA minimums for transfer. I think CS requires a 3.5 in first year STEM coursework, so it’s very much a higher bar than “not failing out.”

          1. My son is a computer science major at a UC and this is consistent with his experience. He’s a senior right now. He had to apply to the university including the major. He was accepted to the major but couldn’t “declare” it until his sophomore year after passing a minimum number of classes that included computer science.

             It is the most impacted major at his university. No one can transfer into the major who wasn’t accepted into the major when they applied to the university – ie you can’t switch from an engineering major to CS.

             Transfer students from other universities can transfer in as a CS major, but that’s a very limited number of students, and it has to do with the community college to UC pathway the state is trying to guarantee.

             1. +1 to this, computer science engineering can be very tricky to transfer into. If that is your daughter’s desired major, ask lots of questions.

          2. It’s been a while, but in my cs and engineering classes you either failed out of the major in the weed-out or did well based on how your grade was adjusted – so you could get a C, but it became an A. I know a lot has changed around grade inflation, though.

             1. Do you mean the curve?

                My son is the current CS student above. He has had several profs in his major who refuse to curve, even when the average midterm grade was below a C.

    7. There are two different issues at play here: (1) There are some very popular majors for which there are limited slots and a high “fail” rate (which does not mean failing college, only failing e.g. bio-chem). Nursing is one of those majors. A lot (but not all) schools that offer nursing degrees will not admit students directly into that major. You have to be admitted to the school and then apply for admission to the nursing program as a junior; and (2) There are schools for which certain courses in certain majors are a bottleneck. They are only offered one a year and have limited seats. I have known people to spend an entire extra year in college because they missed that one course. But this is highly school and major specific (it almost happened to me in history of all things, and I have nightmares about historiography years after the fact).

       I am going to disagree a bit that a high school senior is well-equipped to figure this out but agree that you should let your child go where they want to go within your ability to pay. However, it is worth warning them if they have their heart set on a major that requires a separate application and/or of the dangers of switching majors. and of how easy or hard that will be at their school of choice. My daughter took one school off her list because she was told it was very hard to switch majors, and she was not completely committed to the one she selected.

14. Does anyone have this dress? I really want to know what the inside seam finishes are like.

    1. If it’s like any of my other MM LaFleur dresses it won’t be that great. I’ve stopped buying them as I expect just a bit more at that price point

15. I live in a blue city in a red state. Is there anything I can call or write to my red senators about that will matter to them at all?!?

    1. Unlikely, but perhaps. It depends on all sorts of things — is your state dependent on any specific economy, for example? If it has a major university or hospital, the pause in NIH funding is going to affect jobs, so you could call about that. If your senator is vulnerable at all, they’re likely more sway-able

       My two cents is this: first, not calling does nothing. Calling maybe does nothing, but maybe it has an effect over time. So just call & use your voice. Second, your voice is louder when the constituent pool is smaller. Find out what’s happening at the state and even local level, and make your thoughts known with your state senators & reps.

    2. (cries in North Carolina)

       Tillis and Budd have proven they have no spine. I continue sending emails to Rep. Ross but she’s in a safe seat and doesn’t seem to do much. I unaffiliated from the Democratic Party during last year’s mess with Biden and at this rate I may vote for a right wing challenger against Tillis in 26 just to get these do nothings out of office.

       1. Ugh. I’m sorry. NC is a huge research center, so perhaps calling about the NIH funding would be useful?

    3. I think calling with support for the state universities and against the NIH funding cuts is worth it. Apparently in Alabama 1 in 20 jobs are connected to the state universities and I would imagine a similar thing in many other red states with R1 (research-focused) schools. The recent funding changes will absolutely destroy public higher ed, especially in red states where the state government won’t make up the budget deficit from the lost federal funding.

    4. If you’re in Idaho, don’t even bother. I’ve never seen such unhinged lawmakers.

    5. I’ll add to everyone mentioning NIH cuts. In case you missed the Friday night news drop, effective today there’s been a huge cut in NIH funding that will have drastic effects on biomedical research and the economies and healthcare systems of many states. If it goes through, lots of people will lose their jobs and a lot of research and clinical trials won’t get done because they’re cutting the indirect cost rate. This is the money that pays to keep the lights on in labs and research centers, pays for the (enormous) HVAC costs, for IT and data management, lab safety, runs animal facilities, makes sure research is in compliance with animal safety, biological safety, human subjects, and export control standards, maintains facilities and equipment, deals with purchasing and HR, manages grant paperwork, etc. etc. It’s an essential part of doing research, and will result in a lot less research getting done, even if it just sounds like an administrative thing. And that ‘s on top of all of the other science funding freezes and cuts. This should be a really big deal in states like NC.

       1. It’s not just that research would pause, it’s more like many universities would cease to exist. They use the federal indirect funding to cover the increasingly impossible state budgets, especially in red states. The state U I work at gets over $600 million a year in federal indirect funding; it’s the second largest source of revenue for the university after tuition. Without that money it’s not a matter of closing some research labs, the university wouldn’t exist or would have to totally reshape itself as an undergrad institution with a lot of cheaper adjunct faculty.

          1. The government’s argument that private funders only pay 15% in indirect costs is a red herring. Yes, some foundations do only pay 15% indirect. The reality is that when I want to accept funding from one of these foundations I have to jump through massive hoops to get the institution to waive its indirect cost rates, and I can usually only accept very small foundation grants for this reason and only for projects that the institution deems strategically important to its overall mission. The institution needs overhead funds in order to exist.

             Also, I have heard that some institutions have quiet agreements with foundation to pay more than 15% even when 15% is the stated limit.

             1. Private funders only pay 15% *because* the federal government pays so much more! The money has to come from somewhere.

             2. Exactly—someone has to pay.

          2. +1. It is a frightening time.

          3. You’re replying to my comment, but which one of our arguments do you think is more likely to be effective with a Republican congressperson skeptical of universities and government waste? I agree that indirect costs are a very important part of university budgets and cutting them will have devastating effects, but indirect cost rates are carefully calculated and are absolutely not supposed to be supporting non-research costs. Giving people the impression that universities are mooching off the federal government is unlikely to convince people who are already not inclined to support them. Most universities are actually taking a loss on federally funded research because administrative costs are capped and actual costs are higher, largely because the federal government requires so much administrative work to comply with grant requirements. If Elon and his minions really wanted to increase efficiency, they’d be working on those issues, not just cutting funding.

             1. I think red state senators care far more about their State Us existing for various reasons (the impact to local economies, affordable college for middle class in-state residents, sportsball, etc.) than they do about cancer research. I don’t think a “research will be cut” argument is going to be very persuasive to anyone on the right, sadly.

                I actually think cutting back on indirect funding isn’t a terrible longterm goal, but you don’t go from >50% (which is what many R1s have negotiated) to 15% overnight, and it seems illegal and unfair to retroactively apply it to existing grants.

       2. Not to mention, a lot of biotech companies are tied into academic/government research. By tightening funds, it’ll quash private industry as well. So much for the US being global leaders in research long term if this kind of climate persists.

    6. I’m doing my best in PA with one R senator and … Fetterman, whatever he is doing. I write to them both daily. I’m sure they’re doing nothing with my input but at least I know I’m speaking out.

       I also frequently write to my D congressman, thanking him for his actions and words, even if they don’t translate to much at least he’s trying.

       1. Me too, Pennsylvania friend. Trying my best along with you.

    7. CALL!! It does matter.

       https://5calls.org/

       Look at the list on the left side of this great webpage, listing some of the big issues of the week. Enter your zip code, and it will give you the contact info for your reps. Clinic on the issue you are interested in and it will give you a template for your call.

       Thanks for trying.

       1. +1, calls certainly do matter because if a given representative sees they do not have broad support, they are more likely to shift their stance or soften on issues to reflect their constituents. Keep it up! Every record of dissent matters, and especially calls.

       2. Thank you!

    8. You can find charts online of how each state will be impacted by the various proposed cuts. Pick one and call about how you don’t think your state should lose those dollars in funding in healthcare or in the case of US Aid, lose those dollars in commodity sales. At least one R went on record this weekend as being troubled about the cuts.

16. Middle aged white lady here. My musical tastes run more to Benny Goodman than the gentleman from last night, with whom we were unfamiliar. My husband and I really enjoyed the choreography, though! So sharp! Can anyone explain the meaning behind the patriotic elements? Uncle Sam, the RWB outfits? Was it a protest or…? If it was an obvious meaning, it blew over our heads. Thanks.

    1. There are some good lists on threads and elsewhere. Kendrick Lamar has “beef” with Drake, another rapper. Many of the signs there were directed at that. But they also, really sharply, offered a kind of “beef” with the U.S., historically and in the moment. For example, he said, “The Revolution will be televised. You picked the right moment, but the wrong guy” is both about Drake and about Trump, who was at the Super Bowl.

       Samuel L. Jackson as “Uncle Sam” was voicing the “white” demands that black folks submit (he called the all-black dancers “too loud, too reckless, too ghetto”); agree to “40 acres and a mule” as compensatory for the trauma of slavery; and told Lamar to “play the game,” which is when Lamar played the Drake dis track, which had been a concern for the NFL because in it Lamar calls Drake a pedophile (which he didn’t say out loud, but the crowd did).

       There are other elements, too: part of the stage was shaped like a prison yard, where black performers were trapped but harmonizing with one another. The dancers wore red, white, and blue and periodically formed an American flag but then broke apart, over and over. Serena Williams “crip walked,” as a reference to her dancing on Drake’s grave (Drake is an ex and he keeps writing songs about her and her husband), but it also referenced when she did it at Wimbledon and officials found it “distasteful” and fined her — that was widely understood as a black woman not following white decorum.

       Hope that helps!

       1. I really like your answer.

       2. I appreciate this summary. Watching the production, I felt that there must be references to references to references that I was super removed from. Now I have a little more of a guidebook to chase down what I saw.

    2. I don’t even know what to say to this. Your age, nor your whiteness, isn’t an excuse to not understand the majority of the messages. I get that you might not understand the Drake references, but are you seriously saying you didn’t get what Uncle Sam or the messaging was about? “[The] revolution about to be televised you picked the right time for the wrong guy.” No, don’t understand it? “No, no, no, no. Too loud. Too reckless. Too… ghetto,” No clue what that might refer to? “That’s what America wants. Nice, calm. You’re almost there. Don’t mess this up.” Still lost??
       Maybe Fox news didn’t explain it to you, but you can google around and find enough explanations focused at the uneducated that you don’t need to show your ignorance here. That “gentleman from last night” is Pulitzer price winner, and multi Grammy award winner Kendrick Lamar btw.

       1. +1 million

       2. I am not the OP and don’t generally follow Kendrick Lamar or his genre.

          Watching the halftime show was enjoyable and interesting, and I could guess at some of the messages but couldn’t really understand or sometimes even hear the words well enough to make out what they were conveying. I appreciated the OP asking, and the Anon who gave a summary above. Your reply seems to come from a bubble that assumes anyone not in that bubble both isn’t welcome in the bubble and should also be looked down upon for not being in the bubble.

          1. The sound was so bad I could not understand any of the words.

             1. My closed captions help

                I am old enough that my son has seen Kendrick Lamar in concert

             2. The sound mixing was horrific.

          2. Not the OP either and I understood nothing about it.

       3. What are you, 14? Shaming people who are trying to educate themselves is cheap.
          If you don’t want to provide context for a genuine request, which you aren’t obliged to do, then just scroll by.
          I watch neither Fox news nor the Grammys, and I had similar questions. Read all the BuzzFeed stuff this morning and still didn’t have them all answered.

       4. Honestly, I appreciate the breakdown above, because I could not understand the lyrics to tie the message together. I got the overarching “this is a political statement,” but the detail was lost on me.

          1. +1. Same. The sound quality wasn’t great, and I’m not super familiar with his music, so much of it was lost on me.

       5. Yes. Yes, I was still lost, because I was following all the visuals and trying to hear the music and the lyrics and missed all of it. So how about you don’t shame OP who wants to figure it out now that she watched it once?

          JFC. Not everyone can consume music, visuals, rapidly spoken rap lyrics and in the backdrop of whatever setting they were actually watching the game in in order to pick up on messages, subtle or overt. There was a LOT going on, and upon reading up on much of it today, it was truly artful and well done. But I missed 99% of it in the moment. Sounds like OP did, too.

          Sheesh.

          1. +1

       6. Knock it off. No one asked for a holier than thou response.

       7. This is unfair. I think any intelligent person realizes there were a LOT of layers there. The first response here is great but there’s more if you poke around the internet. I don’t think most people “got” most of it on the first watch, which is how art is supposed to work.

       8. Don’t shame someone for asking a genuine question. We all grow up in different bubbles these days.

       9. and here we go – someone posts a question in good faith, and the shaming begins. Who are you to decide what references anyone else should get?

          1. a non-American watching you guys burn down your country because everything is “going over your head”.

             1. So your solution to avoiding an American descent into fascism is that we should all be religiously keeping up with TMZ?

       10. +1

           “I’m too white to understand why black people are angry!” Get real.

           1. That is….. not at all what OP said. Please don’t be so lazy?

           2. Where are you getting that? The OP asked a genuine question.

              1. The OP could not even be bothered to recall the name of the “gentleman” who performed. To me, that made the OP’s inquiry seem lazy and disingenuous. Signed, an older than middle age, white woman

              2. Or perhaps don’t assume the worst? Maybe OP wanted to convey respect in a succinct manner and make it clear that while his musical style isn’t her usual cup of tea, she “really enjoyed” his performance and didn’t even know where to begin asking if and what layered meanings might have been present.

       11. I agree. What does the poster even try to accomplish by scolding the person who asked the question?

           While I generally think that white people like me should make an effort to educate themselves first before making others from different (marginalized) background spoon-feed them the answers, this is not a case where this level of shaming is warranted and deserved.

           1. Ugh, nesting fail. I do NOT agree with the poster at 11:31am.

       12. @ 11:31 — Ah, yes. That’ll show OP and encourage her to engage more! Let’s act as condescending as possible, that tends to work!

           ^ if this made you upset and defensive, rather than look into changing your ways, this is exactly how your post reads and demonstrates exactly how ineffective and tantrum-y it appears. Still lost??

       13. Not the OP of this thread, and not a fox news watcher either… I know Kendrick Lamar’s name and know that he’s well-regarded and has won awards, and even recognized the hook on one of his songs, but rap is generally not a genre I enjoy, so I don’t listen to it or follow its personalities. I didn’t know about the beef with Drake or know why Serena Williams was on stage (or what a crip walk is). I did read some other “analysis” articles about the performance this morning, but I appreciate the original responder’s summary, which was more succinct than what I waded through earlier. I guess I don’t understand why you think everyone should know all the pop culture things. I especially don’t understand why you would shame people who ask a question in what appears to be good faith.

    3. The sound for Super Bowl shows is never very good, and last night was no exception. The sound quality on our televisions has also been declining, which doesn’t help. Although I occasionally listen to Kendrick Lamar, his lyrics have a lot of profanity. I tend to listen less to artists that use a lot of profanities, and that’s fine.

       I’d wait a few days for better, more thoughtful analysis of the show to than what you’ll find here. I’m currently listening to The Breakfast Club, and apparently they will discuss the half time show several times this week. Highly recommend!

       I read that Kendrick Lamar hopes the show will introduce more people to his music. He’s not scolding people who didn’t understand every nuance, but is inviting us along. Listen to him, not internet virtue-signaling.

    4. The website genius.com has annotated song lyrics, including for Not Like Us. Not Like Us is a complicated song, because the lyrics are incredibly dense and layered and refer back to many other songs, artists, and fights. You don’t have to dive into the text to appreciate the song, but I personally find that I enjoy the music much more when I understand the references.

       My favorite line of the Not Like Us is when Lamar tells Drake that he’s not a “colleague,” but instead a “colonizer.”

17. Thinking about moving to Denver in a few months as I have friends there and want to be in a state that’s blue and would be safe if everything becomes “states rights.” Anyone live in Denver that can tell me about it from a perspective of experience rather than what I can just find online?

    1. Talk to your friends about how they spend their free time and whether they picture themselves in the area long term. I considered it at one point until learning how my friends spend their weekends (basically driving or on a mountain every week between 6am Saturday and Sunday afternoon). Home prices keep increasing. Denver is a desert so you won’t be protected from climate change.

       1. +1 my sense is that there’s very little to do there if you aren’t interested in skiing and snowboarding. Also the dry air and altitude wreak havoc on skin and lungs. I guzzle water whenever I’m there and still feel perpetually parched.

          1. Between the more intense sun and the very dry air, be prepared to age like milk if you move there.

             1. But if OP is an esthetician, that’s job security right there :)

    2. I lived in both Denver and Boulder in the last few years (have since left for a job) but absolutely loved both. Do you have specific questions?

    3. Are you outdoorsy? Denver is outdoorsy.

       Also, it’s definitely only “states rights” until the blue states want to do things Republicans don’t like. Then “states rights” flies out the window.

    4. I lived in Denver for a while and here were a few things that surprised me:

       – I was 27 at the time, and _everyone_ at my work was a Coloradan. They thought it was extremely weird that I was not married. At the time, zero friends were married.

       – I went to a HYP-type school (non-Ivy) and it really weirded out a lot of people who would say stuff like, “you’re so fancy.” I was not so fancy. I never mentioned where I went to school, but a lot of folks there didn’t know anyone who had gone to my school and presumed I was…something.

       – Folks were either very granola or very right-wing/Christian (depending on what part of the state); being moderate was not as common as I thought it’d be.

       – There’s a reason they call it Menver. The joke was that you could find guys that worked in ski shops, were rafting guides, were lifties, were hard core triatheletes…Denver and Colorado actually have very high educational attainment, but it was hard to find people who were into their jobs, as opposed to into the lifestyle.

       – I am from a Coast, and man, I really missed the ocean. It was spectacular to hike and see alpine lakes, but there was something that hit me about a year in–I really missed the ocean horizon and the smell.

    5. I lived in Denver for 9 years and am currently in Boulder. The city itself (and especially Boulder, which is not a “suburb” it’s almost an hour away, FYI!) is very blue, even progressive. Boulder in particular is Yoga Central. BUT the surrounding areas and mountain towns can feel very stuck in 1964, and Colorado outside of Denver/Boulder/Aspen/Vail etc. is pretty red.

       Also, this may just be me but I was really miserable here and it’s very much not my forever place. There is so much hype about it being so great but I really failed to find what others love about it. I moved here at 35 and it felt like everyone was 27 and with their “boyfriend boyfriend boyfriend” as a fave blogger once put it, and in “marketing” and just *loved* every single aspect of town like local breweries, skiing, the mountains, the sun (which is nice, I admit), and so on. The town is about drinking, sports, sports teams, w33d and festivals/party lifestyle and has several colleges so it has a really…youthful/juvenile feeling at times.

       I spent *years* going to every single Meetup for cultural activities, took a couple part time jobs to find other 20 and 30 something female friends, trying to find friends through every avenue possible, trying to find any culture outside of “fresh pow, brah!” and trying to get by on an average salary and struggled really, really hard.

       There’s some wonderful highlights and hotspots and if you work at it, you can make a nice life, but I *personally* suffered a huge negative culture shock coming from the Northeast/East Coast and can’t wait to get back.

18. i had posted last week about not knowing what to wear to two work related galas in April. What do we think of this dress? i actually wouldn’t say i love it but it sort of checks all the boxes I wanted and it’s pretty cheap. what would you do for shoes/ stockings?

    https://www.loft.com/clothing/dresses/catl000013/embellished-keyhole-mini-dress/764505.html?priceSort=DES

    1. Not sure about shoes, but I like the dress!

       1. Cute, if the length works for you and your work context. On me, 34.5″ would hit at mid-thigh or higher.

    2. Um. It reads a little sad sack to me and a little “suburban mom does NYE party at the hockey rink lock-in.” And I say that as someone also currently shopping for a dress for a work formal dress and not finding much. So just commiseration.

       TJ Maxx and Marshall’s both have formal dresses. They get a couple new ones every day.

       1. pretty harsh on those moms their choices.

       2. I agree, I’d keep looking.

    3. I think this is the kind of dress where you’d have to see it in person (and on you) to know how it would work — especially if, regarding the fabric and dressiness level, it hits the mark you need to hit for your events.

       No harm in ordering it so you can see.
       Although, I’d prefer it if you found a dress that you makes you feel wonderful and that you’re looking forward to wearing, rather than one that sort of checks the boxes. (But I get how hard it is to find the ideal combo of the right dress in the right fabric for the right price.)

19. Does mindless scrolling mean that you want to be somewhere else/doing something else? Or is that’s just how I engage with my phone and I’m projecting it into other people?
    I don’t like being on my phone at home because I have lots of other things to do there that I enjoy. I spend time on my phone while waiting in line for things out when I’m procrastinating at work. The phone is an easy escape from an activity I don’t want to be doing. So to see people talking about how they’re having trouble not being on their phone all the time, I immediately jump to the conclusion that they must not actually enjoy their day to day life. Obviously there’s being on your phone to look things up for a conversation you’re having or listening to music or something, but those don’t lead to the “mindless scrolling” that I hear a lot of people complain about.

    1. I start mindlessly scrolling when I need a mental break from everything going on around me. Not saying it’s a good thing, but that’s the reality.

       1. +1. I’m seeking the easy dopamine hit of my phone. It’s not a mystery but it’s hard to stop.

    2. I don’t think that is necessarily true. I find I turn to mindless scrolling when I’m anxious or upset about something I don’t want to confront, and sometimes when I want to unwind but I’m tired and everything feels “too hard” (I have to remind myself that reading and crafting are not, in fact, hard!).

       1. This is me. I have many things in my life that I enjoy, but I also sometimes find it difficult to engage in things actively when I’m tired, stressed, overwhelmed, anxious, or procrastinating. Scrolling is something that keeps my attention by requires no effort. Sadly, many times I’m scrolling and thinking “good lord stop, go do [xyz] and you’ll actually feel better.”

    3. Yes, you are better than everyone else.
       That’s what you wanted to hear, right?

       1. Honestly, I’m more looking for these comments, but with detail. I get that this sounds like some sort of humble brag , but I really genuinely want to understand if most people are using phones to ruin away from uncomfortable situations all the time, and most people find their lives legitimately boring/uncomfortable. People who enjoy washing the dishes aren’t morally superior than those who don’t, and it’s not a crime to watch YouTube while you do it if it makes the job more enjoyable. Sorry if the question comes off as gloating.

          1. For me, mindlessly scrolling on my phone is not some cry about how much I hate my life and wish I were doing something I loved. Rather, it’s a low-level addiction in which I engage in the evening when I want to decompress from the day but am not ready to go to bed. I don’t watch TV, so phone scrolling basically takes the place of the time many of my peers spend watching shows.

    4. Mindless scrolling for me usually means I’d rather be doing something else, or think I’d be better off doing something else, but don’t have the energy. That said while I’m on my phone a lot not all that time is mindless scrolling – a lot of it is reading, doing something useful, or connecting with my best friend in another country or engaging in an online hobby (including chatting to real people). My risk point is often I’m doing one of the good things then start scrolling (social media but also doing stuff like going into money apps that definitely haven’t changed since last time I looked at them). It’s a balance between trying to manage my screen time on things that are phone-based but worthwhile and stopping when it becomes mindless, but rarely being on my phone at home wouldn’t work for me.

    5. I use my phone to disassociate which does sometimes happen at home because my home life is not great. I would guess I’d stop if I was happy but who knows.

    6. When I was little I carried books around and would read at every available opportunity. Now, I do that with my phone. I research all sorts of things I’m interested in, read the news, policy analysis, blogs I love, blogs I hate read, etc. Lots of my scrolling time starts this way and leads to rabbit holes, and it’s tempting because it’s more interesting than, say, brushing my teeth or sending follow up emails. I do want to cut back, because I’m just getting too much screen time and feel my attention span getting shorter. I would probably be better off devoting that time to longform journalism/books, but the phone is right there.

       1. I was just thinking the same thing! I used to have my nose in a book constantly – now I use my phone instead. I still read a lot, but now I use the Kindle app on my phone because I prefer ebooks.

    7. Yes. I do it because I have made terrible choices, different from yours, which makes my life unfulfilling, unlike yours. Had I been better, I would have a beautiful life (like yours) and find joy in all the little things, too, because the rest of my life would be so great that something like stirring the soup would feel like a small gift in a bigger life that is filled with meaning. Unfortunately, J am less than you, worse than you, and so I am always always looking for an escape – in all the wrong places, as again, I am want to make bad choices.

    8. check out Haley Nahman’s latest post on her Substack Maybe Baby —she explores this concept of mindless scrolling while half-paying attention, and it’s really interesting.

       1. I used to love her writing before she became full on natalist.

       2. That scratched the itch I was having – thanks a bunch for the recommendation! It’s not that I fully agree with everything, but it’s a light philosophical dive into a common relationship with technology.

    9. I’m reading “The Sirens’ Call: How Attention Became the World’s Most Endangered Resource” by Chris Hayes right now on this exact topic. I’m about 1/3 of the way through but it’s been really interesting.

20. Looking for podcast recommendations for some longer drives this week
    I enjoyed Wiser than Me but finished them.
    Any recommendations?

    1. I enjoy:
       Fall of civilizations: some are hours long and I think they use voice actors
       Real Dictators: history but also I think they use voice actors

    2. I like Scamfluencers, Betrayal, Maintenance Phase, Classy with Jonathan Menjivar, Good Bodies, and If Books Could Kill.

       1. Maintenance Phase doesn’t post too often anymore but I love If Books Could Kill so also recommend. Conspiracy Theories is fun if that’s your thing (it’s my thing), Search Engine (PJ Voght) about random questions they want answers to, Culture Study (Ann Helen Petersen) also about random questions they want answers to.

    3. My favorite podcast of all time is Dead Eyes, about an actor who was fired from a small part in the miniseries Band of Brothers, like, 20 years ago and set out much later to find out why. Lots of life lessons along the way and a huge payoff at the end.

    4. Off Menu!

    5. Heavyweight.

       Johnathan Goldstein, who produced a lot of segments for This American Life.

21. On a lighter note, is anyone watching Severance and did you see Season 2, Episode 4? I was captivated. The cinematography and the acting were just incredible.

    1. Just started it. I think I’m S1E5? I’m so captivated by it….

    2. The finale of season 1 just floored me.

       I think a lot of people who watch TV while surfing on their phone etc… are not as drawn in, but this is a really interesting, well acted show.

       So far not sure on Season 2.

    3. I actually didn’t like this episode, even though I’ve otherwise loved the show so far. I am afraid that they are straying too far from the closed universe of the office setting and towards creating a ton of unresolved possible plot lines in the pursuit of creativity. Sometimes I guess I just want jokes about corporate culture. But the actors are all amazing.

    4. I thought it was a very interesting and impressive episode but it left me wondering a bit about the direction of the season. I am a little worried it’s straying into absurdity/weirdness rather than developing the story and revealing wtf is going on.

    5. I was not a fan of the episode.

       But then I realized its purpose. I wont post any spoilers here, but I think I now know what is really going on at Lumon.

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