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This bag is so simple, yet gorgeous — like everything else from The Row, it's almost the definition of quiet luxury. I love the lock closure and polished calfskin, although I wish the interior were a bit bigger.
The bag is $3,750 at MyTheresa and Neiman Marcus; they both have this bag and others from the Sofia line in numerous colors and sizes.
Sales of note for 11.5.24
- Nordstrom – Fall sale, up to 50% off!
- Ann Taylor – Extra 40% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 25% off with your GAP Inc. credit card
- Bloomingdales is offering gift cards ($20-$1200) when you spend between $100-$4000+. The promotion ends 11/10, and the gift cards expire 12/24.
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Fall clearance event, up to 85% off
- J.Crew – 40% off fall favorites; prices as marked
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – New sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Buy one, get one – 50% off everything!
- White House Black Market – Holiday style event, take 25% off your entire purchase
It's me.
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Anon
please help me find a new show to watch. a sampling of things i’ve watched/watch and liked: parenthood, law & order, Virgin River, Bones, Chicago Fire/Med, The Wire, 24, Emily in Paris. I have Netflix, Hulu, Peacock, Prime. Ideally a show with 3+ seasons out already
Anon
Schitts Creek, The Good Place, Ghosts (UK or US version), or Will Trent if you like procedurals?
Anon
+1 Schitts Creek. So so good!
Anon
Grey’s Anatomy (19 whole seasons of it).
Thistle
not US, so not sure what is available on each platform.
911 lonestar, Shetland, Vera, Rizzoli &Isles, FBI (original, most wanted, international), Annika, Hudson&Rex, Agatha Raisin, the Rookie
OP
i’ve watched 911 lonestar, love all the FBIs, have watched those. Couldn’t get into the Rookie but maybe need to try again
Anon
It may just be me, but I found Rizzoli & Isles to be unwatchable.
Derry Girls, OTOH, I just want more of.
Anon
Bob Hearts Abishola, may not be on those subscriptions.
anon
+1 I was surprised by how much I liked this show. I don’t watch a lot of network TV but this one sucked me in.
Mpls
Leverage and Leverage: Redemption (FreeVee via Amazon) – 5 and 2 seasons respectively, but the same group of people. The seasons are 13-ish episdoes.
Vernoica Mars (Hulu) Seasons 1-3 are high school/college, season 4 is older Veronica
Anonymous
Downton Abbey
Schitt’s Creek
Call the Midwife
New Here
Friday Night Lights.
Push through Season 2. Even the writers admit most of that season was a mistake. I love this show so much. I get emotional hearing the theme song.
Anon
Fisk.
Anon
The only bad thing about Fisk is there are not enough episodes! I love that show.
I have recommended What We Do in the Shadows (Hulu) to many people who have enjoyed it.
Anon
Jack Ryan
Anonymous
have you done Gilmore Girls or Buffy the Vampire Slayer yet? Both series are excellent and hold up well (I’ve seen stuff about both of them in social media recently and the NYT just had something about how Gilmore Girls is one of the most streamed shows on Netflix).
I liked Younger – rom/com
did you watch The Americans? amazing – MadMen too
more recent stuff: we just binged Barry and liked it, and we also liked Succession
Ghosts is also excellent, both the US and UK versions (and there surprisingly isn’t that much overlap between the plot lines)
Anon
Ooh, Younger is fun!
Also, The Americans reminds me to recommend The Diplomat (Netflix) enve though there’s only one season so far.
Anonymous
Whoever recommended Younger on this site a while back, you have my gratitude. Perfect show to stream last week while I had COVID.
Vicky Austin
The Diplomat was SO GOOD. I’m so hoping for more. We watched Pine Gap on Netflix to fill that void after finishing Diplomat.
Runcible Spoon
Oh dear, I felt Pine Gap was pretty bad — ludicrous plot that was difficult to get past to focus on characters. I would recommend skipping Pine Gap in favor of other series that are out there. That said, YMMV.
Anon
I loved Younger. I watched the whole series twice. I also liked the Bold Type. Yellowstone is good but might be too dramatic.
anon
Well, if you liked The Wire, and want dramas with a lot of seasons, why don’t you go through some the best classic series of the last 20 years.
Breaking Bad
Better Call Saul
The Sopranos
Six feet Under
Mad Men
The Americans
Oz
The Shield
House of Cards
Downton Abbey
You might like things like Orange is the New Black, Dexter, Nurse Jackie.
Sometimes its hard to know where to watch things these days, as they jump around.
Anon
thanks for the recs! i have watched or tried to watch most of these shows
bellatrix
Depending on your political stance and how much comfort vs distraction you need during election season, consider The West Wing — it’s liberal fantasy of course, but sometimes you need that. For the Sorkin touch without as much politics, The Newsroom is also pretty good.
I’m only a few seasons into 911 (the original one, not the Texas one, though that’s prob good too) and am enjoying it more than I thought I would. It’s a procedural but the characters have some depth.
Anonymous
This is Us
Halt and Catch Fire
Anonymous
Brothers and Sisters
Thirtysomething (this is old but I think it mostly holds up)
Anon
Where is thirtysomething streaming? I remember when it was first on and would rewatch just to see all the shoulder pads!
NYCer
Dix Pour Cent (Call My Agent), The Americans, Younger, Only Murders in the Building, Ted Lasso (though I realize this is on AppleTV, which you may or may not have).
Anonymous
Similar to Parenthood, Brothers & Sisters on Hulu
Similar to Bones – It’s a supernatural show but I watched Fringe (on Prime) as a substitute for that as
Similar to Emily in Paris – Younger and The Bold Type on Hulu
Similar feel to the Wire – The Shield on Hulu
Chl
If you grew up in the 90s, derry girls on Netflix
Anonymous
Sex Education
Heartstopper (2 seasons)
Survival of the Thickest (1 season)
Anan
I feel like we have similar tastes!
Shows I liked:
This is Us
Galavant
Miss Fisher Murder Mysteries
Better Things
Bunheads
Younger
TVanon
Normal People
Reservation Dogs
Shtisel
The Bear
Shameless
The Good Lord Bird
Tv
great list
Anon
X-Files should be streaming on at least one of those services and is worth going back to
We just watched a lot of the Mentalist
Seventh Sister
Narcos, both with Pedro Pascal and the seasons without Pedro Pascal.
NYNY
I loved Better Things, which has all 5 seasons on hulu. Pamela Adlon is a divorced mother of three teen girls and it is funny and touching and beautiful. The depictions of women’s friendships are so real. One line haunts me years later: Two characters are talking about why a marriage has broken up after years together, and the man says “she never bounced back after her mother’s death.” Oof.
Runcible Spoon
Excellent series, very true to life, and funny! I binge watched one season of the series on a trans-Pacific flight, which helped accelerate the passage of time very nicely.
Anon
I can’t believe no one has said The Crown! I don’t like historical stuff in general but found that absolutely riveting, although the more recent seasons (5-6) weren’t as good as the first four, imo. It’s on Netflix.
Anonymous
Reacher, Suits, 911 and 911 Lone Star, County Fire
NaoNao
The Good Wife! It’s so good.
Consider 90s sitcoms–I just rediscovered Will & Grace and while a few things haven’t aged well, it’s a delightful show with just enough heart.
Anon
Derry girls
Sex education
Shelle
I’m so grateful for this community. Based on what I’ve learned here, I called my insurance company and asked very specific questions about vaccination boosters, what is covered and how it’s billed. Insurance billing is so confusing and intimidating to me. Your stories encouraged me to just pick up the phone and ask. Thank you!
In case anyone cares, I scheduled an appt at a pharmacy chain for the TDAP booster because a family member is pregnant and asked everyone to get up to date on the whooping cough vaccine. I was pretty sure this pharmacy chain was in network but they sent me a text that the booster wasn’t covered by my insurance. My health insurance provider confirmed over the phone it is covered and instructed me to tell the pharmacist to bill it under medical and not pharmacy, whatever that means. It worked and saved me $90!
Anon
Thanks to nudges and information here, I got life insurance! I didn’t think I would qualify due to a condition I have, but apparently you still can when it’s “well-managed.”
Vicky Austin
As the mother of a small baby who has mercifully been very healthy during his first winter (knock wood), thanks in part to family members who agreed to be up to date on needed shots, I’d just like to thank you for doing that.
anon
Thanks for this! I didn’t know to tell the pharmacist to bill it under medical.
I am immunocompromised and need several more shots, and my doctors never warn me how to deal with insurance.
Amelia
I’m a manager of a team at work for the first time, and sometimes its just funny to be on this side of the table. Most of my friends are in roles where they are not managing anyone or managing 1 person (more IC-type roles) and sometimes when they complain about their bosses I’m now like “oh I kinda see your boss’ POV”.
I’m not going to say that ofc, that’s not the point of destressing with friends :) Just a funny feeling
Anon
Being a manager is hard! I’ve been on both sides of the desk. When I was entry level I always thought my bosses knew a lot but didn’t do a lot. I’ve never worked harder in my life than when I was managing a large department!
Anonymous
You can see that tension on this board, for sure.
Keep in mind now that you are a manager that people just regularly vent about their boss so if you happen to overhear a report kvetching about you, don’t take it terribly personally unless it is extreme and inaccurate.
Amelia
Oh yeah I know I’ve complained about bosses plenty.
So I definitely don’t mind and honestly completely understand if my direct reports do.
And half of it is just venting, which we all need to do.
Ses
Yeah, same. I’ve been a boss forever and I can very much see why my some of my IC friends (and junior or inexperienced managers) sometimes have issues with their managers.
On the flip side, I acknowledge that I can be a tough boss and I give my team space to hang out without me (leave the team drinks a little early, don’t try to be friends with my team)
I also try to remember what it’s like to be young, intelligent, and motivated (but totally emotional and inexperienced) and feel like your boss underappreciates you.
Runcible Spoon
Ha-ha, or old, intelligent, and motivated (and not very emotional and quite experienced) and fell you your boss underappreciates you. It never ends!
Runcible Spoon
*feel like your boss underappreciates you.
anon
oh yes. I’m a senior manager in a quite dysfunctional organization, and so often I see things from a bit different of a point of view than my friends (who for various reasons tend to be a bit younger and have taken a less linear career path). Very small example, but recently I hear a podcast where someone was saying that everyone on their team regularly left 15 minutes early, etc, for medical appointments, even writing that in the slack channel, but when they specifically asked their manager if they could their manager told them they needed to take PTO. They thought their manager didn’t trust them, and feeling unfairly treated, and I was inside screaming “Your manager is saying please just take the time and don’t ask her officially, because if you ask her officially she has to give the official answer, but really she cares about her people and just wants you to leave 15 minutes early and go see the doctor”.
Anonymous
dumb question, but where should i look for a stylish soap dispenser for my bathroom that, ideally, takes lotiony-SoftSense type soap that I buy in bulk elsewhere? I’ve had like 3 soap dispensers die on me because they got clogged and disgusting.
Cat
Target (going on a decade for our kitchen dispenser), Pottery Barn
Anon
It’s soap, you can just wash them out with hot water.
Anon
+1
Anonymous
HomeGoods
Anan
I got a beautiful soap dispenser at a local pottery sale. I figure if the dispenser gets clogged, I can buy another dispenser because it’s a standard size.
Anon
People (two on this thread) who would throw out a soap dispenser rather than washing it just blow my mind.
Anon
lol anyone remember the thread about throwing out a dirty tea kettle and buying a new one instead of washing it?
Anonymous
It speaks volumes to the fact that we live in a disposable society…
Anonymous
Any place that sells other bathroom items will have them. You have to clear the pump with hot water every so often to avoid it getting clogged. I had a cheap one years ago, I forget where I bought it, last nearly 10 years of daily use by several young children. I tossed it when the spring broke.
The No Club
I got one from Amazon that has been fine with Softsoap refills and not clogged for over a year. (HYA Designs was the (off) brand). I’d just recommend grabbing one with a star rating over 4 and you should be fine.
bellatrix
Crowdsourcing for tips/tricks on cruises. We (me + husband + 13yo son) are taking one over spring break, first week of April. It’s on Carnival, which I’ve learned is kinda the JetBlue of cruises, but the port is local to us so that makes departure less of a hassle, and I care about that more than luxury on board. Route is through the Caribbean, with a stop in the Bahamas. The whole thing was my husband’s idea and I haven’t been able to think about it much, but now we’re 6 weeks out and my Type A is kicking in. So – best practices, do’s/don’ts, hacks — bring ’em on.
Cat
we have never cruised but have one friend that is super into them. if you’re planning to do any of the excursions organized by the ship you need to pick them like, yesterday. if you want to get TF away from your own cruise crowd while in port, look at TripAdvisor forums for the island in question.
anon
the magic of a cruise is that you don’t need to plan really and your 13 yo if he is game can board with you and basically not see you again until you get home. Do you have things you want to do that are off shore? book excursions ahead, it’s not necessary to book through boat if you don’t mind doing a little leg work it’s cheaper to book on your own. There are a myriad of facebook groups with cruise guidance if you’re interested (people who bring shoe bags to organize the tiny bathroom, that kind of thing) but you will be fine if you just show up.
Anonymous
Heh. Best practice would probably be not to book a carnival cruise during everyone’s spring break.
bellatrix
haha, fair. I think it’s going to be a madhouse and all three of us will end up introverting in our own little cocoons, but you never know until you try. I almost hope we have a terrible time, so we don’t get hooked on a very expensive vacation habit (I grew up with vacations like “see all the museums in Detroit and stay at a Motel 6” so this feels very frivolous to me).
Pep
The wi-fi on ships is generally spotty, slow, and expensive. Your son may need to temper his expectations if he is one of those teens who is always online.
I’m not super familiar with Carnival, but most ships offer coffee, tea, water, and iced tea as beverages. Sometimes lemonade. All other drinks, even soda, are an extra charge. This can add up quickly.
There can be a lag between when you board and when your bags get up to your room. If you think you’d like to visit the pool or work out upon arrival, you may wish to tuck appropriate apparel into a carry on.
anon
This may depend on the cruise line and ship, but when I was on Princess last year, it was kind of important to get dinner reservations even for the main dining room, and more so for specialty dining. It fills up before the cruise started, and even though you can do walk ins, it’s hard to get a private table (not an issue if you’re willing to share with other parties). Showing up early to grab seats for shows is advisable. I was cruising to Alaska so I felt comfortable booking my excursions 3rd party. In places where traffic is less predictable I’m less inclined to do so because I could be late getting back to the ship and they wouldn’t wait for me. I don’t know what your family’s interests are, but if I were going to the Caribbeans I would look for at least one nice beach to park myself at for a day, and that’s as easy as grabbing a cab. My memory from 10 years ago is that locals will take USD but will try to give you change in local currency, so I always carried small bills as to not need change.
anon
(1) Check the policy for how much wine you can bring on-board if you are wine people. Out of Texas, you can have 1 bottle per adult. Bring a couple good bottles and enjoy them with dinner. Selections on board will cost you. The unlimited soda program is probably worth it, but to come out ahead on the unlimited adult beverage program you will need to have a really good time.
(2) Book the excursions now. Everything will likely be sold out by the time for the cruise. You do not need to do an excursion at every port, and there are normal Potemkin souvenir villages right where the ship docs.
(3) Look for schedules online for how many dress up nights there will be. People tend to vary from mildly dressed up to actual gowns. There will be tons of photographers everywhere so you can force your son and husband into a picture on multiple occasions – think somewhat JC Penny style.
(4) You can typically find a facebook group devoted to the ship you are sailing on. You can go for a deep dive on background information for the ship.
(5) Depending on the ship, there is often a deck that you have to pay for admission – it’s less crowded. Might be worth while for spring break.
(6) Consider booking a spa appointment for yourself.
Senior Attorney
If you’re ready to go down a giant rabbit hole, the foru.s on cruisecritic dot com will tell you everything you need to know and way, way more.
Senior Attorney
forums
The No Club
+1
Anon
For Carnival, keep your standards low and get off the boat for as much time as possible. I went 10 years ago on a trip my then bf planned alone. The boat was old with a tiny pool. The room was kind of gross in my opinion too.
Anon
OP please update us after you go. I have always thought cruises would be like what 4:53 describes.
Also, I’m a “hell is other people” person, at least after a couple of days.
Anon
Yeah, Carnival is a low end cruise line. I don’t think the airline analogy is perfect but if you want to analogize to airlines it’s more comparable to Spirit than JetBlue, which I always thought was perfectly serviceable if not exactly fancy.
Runcible Spoon
These days, you should bring a full medical kit — bandaids, medications, thermometer, neosporin, etc. because trying to buy these items on board will be super expensive. Also, try to get a Paxlovid prescription (or two, or three, depending on whether it is indicated for a 13 year old) filled, and toss several Covid-19 tests into your luggage. Bring Mucinex, Tylenol, Sudafed, and Benadryl, and a big box of tissues to manage any syumptoms that might present. If you are not sure if you might get seasickness, talk to your doctor about possibly getting a scopolamine patch prescription — but I understand you have to apply it (behind the ear) something like four hours before you might be unsteady on the seas; maybe Dramamine would be sufficient. (Most large cruise ships are pretty steady.). Enjoy!
The No Club
#1 tip is to check out the site CruiseCritic – it has specific reviews and message boards for every ship, every route, and even specific sailings – the info there will be super specific to your needs.
Anonymous
What clothes make you feel sexy? How has that changed as you’ve gotten older?
I’ve always been plus sized and have always felt collarbones + boobs is sexy – but I’m older now and starting to rethink that.
Anon
Short skirts, even though my thighs were never toned, even when I was very slender – they’re just my thighs. I like showing a little leg.
Vicky Austin
Honestly? A plain black stretch T-shirt.
Anon
Heels, even if not high.
Swishy skirts, knee length. I have great calves.
Thick dresses with runching (so not so thin that it shows every lump).
Anon
This makes me kind of sad, but it’s hard to think of anything now that I’m pushing 60. My husband’s favorite on me is pajamas!
Anonymous
Red.
Leather.
A great fitting pair of jeans.
A comfortable bra.
What’s changed for me as I’ve gotten older is that I’ve learned that older women can feel that way and can embrace it without trying too hard or looking like mutton dressed as lamb.
Anonymous
I have a slim hourglass style body, very Marilyn M or Jessica Rabbit. This means even a t-shirt can look very vavoom!, and I find that there can be quite a mismatch between how I look and how I feel.
I tend to *feel* sexy in tailored and draped clothes, something to give a structured juxtaposition to my curves. I have enough boobage for me and four friends, and find that other people equals cleavage to sexy – I do not. I don’t mind cleavage, those things are attached and I like all of my body, but it’s not sexy to me. When I get her age, I think Helen Mirren will be a good example of how to dress to feel sexy for me.
I get great feedback on anything that accentuates my waist, and that’s the hourglass thing.
Anonymous
I love Helen Mirren’s style.
I don’t equate cleavage to sexy either, or to showing a lot of skin in general.
Anon
As I’ve gotten older, showing skin has been less important to feeling sexy. I’m 38 and a really flattering soft tee shirt and fitted jeans make me feel great. Wrap dresses too – they flatter my shape and make me feel amazing. I like ones with very drapey Jersey material.
NaoNao
Lately I’ve gone with “backless” or very low back items, luscious materials like silk, chiffon, satin, velvet, etc, and “boudoir” drapey stuff, like a teddy or a mini slip in high-end materials.
Anon
This morning, and at other times, I’ve seen people recommend Abercrombie for clothing. In my mind, this is the safari outfitter turned juniors store, but am I mixing these up?
I have glanced at the Abercrombie website and I am intrigued. But I am old (55), not too barrel-shaped yet but a little thicker in the middle. Do people recommend this for us older folks? What’s the customer service like (shipping and returns)? Is the quality like Loft/Gap level? A little better, a little worse?
Many thanks – I am tired of the usual places I shop and have been curious about this one.
Anon
I am in my 50s and bought a long black floaty but not ruffle-puff dress at Abercrombie last year and wore it to two holiday parties, a costumed Halloween party (with a black hat and veil, black gloves, and red shoes), and the Paris opera. It is honestly one of the best and most flattering dresses I have owned since menopause changed my shape. I would definitely suggest checking it out. It has changed dramatically since the bad old days.
Anonymous
Abercrombie used to be a teen store but it’s changed a lot. I’m 62 and it’s my go to for jeans and casual tops, sundresses. I love it. Banana Republic used to be safari wear back in the 80’s.
Anon
yup the original Abercrombie and Fitch must have been a more upper crust REI, lol
Cantaloupe
You’re not wrong, they used to be a brand for teenyboppers. They made a hard pivot some time ago, and are now pitching themselves as a longstanding American brand for a slightly older market. Their clothing still skews trendier and a bit young (20s-30s) (e.g., weirdly cropped tops). I think the quality is comparable to Loft/Gap, maybe a bit better, particularly for denim. I prefer buying online, because the stores have a much narrower (and teenybopper selection) — something I’ve noticed a lot of stores lately. I believe in wearing whatever you like at any age, and so if you see pieces that fit your style, I think it’s well worth a shot.
Anon
Thanks for all the replies, they are very helpful. Might take a browse around the site this weekend, maybe there are some sales! Is there anything I should know about sizing, or are the charts pretty good?
Anon
I have a young teen who is built differently than I am. She leans preppy / sporty and refuses to show any skin beyond wearing shorts / skorts when it is warm. I am a flat-chested pear. She is my inverse. Women’s XS/2 but most comfortable in a men’s M tee or oversized tneck sweater or hoodie in winter. Things like dresses and blazers and bathing suits are going to be a challenge this year. She will just a lot of my clothes and belt them, but I’m older and about 25 pounds heavier, so there’s only so much you can do before this just looks comical. Absolutely does not want to look s*xy.
anon
Has she been properly fitted for a br@? And has a full range of options that include casual options, sports br@s, and a strapless option for dresses? I was a self conscious young teen and it was in large part because my mother would not take me anywhere other than the local Sears’ Women’s Department. When I started shopping on my own in college and filled in that gap in my wardrobe, my life improved dramatically and I started buying clothes that actually fit me.
anon
This is a fair point. I had exactly two kinds of bras growing up (t-shirt bra and sports bra) and I let that limit my clothing choices for sure. But also, I see nothing wrong with a kid who just isn’t comfortable showing skin yet. Maybe someday she will. Or she won’t. But that’s her decision to make.
Anonymous
Why would blazers be hard? There are loads of sporty modest swimsuits. Look at Lilly and Lulu
Anon
Ok, so…let her wear the clothes she wants to wear? Why does she have to wear a dress if she doesn’t want to?
Anon
I don’t even know what your question is, but I think you’re borrowing trouble. As a busty 40 something who has been dressing with a sporty, slightly preppy style since I was a teenager, I can safely say that I almost never wear dresses, blazers, or swimsuits and I certainly didn’t need to regularly wear them as a teenager. And it’s only to my very pale and easily burnt skin’s benefit that I’ve always tended toward staying fairly covered up (I’m also always cold, it’s not a modesty thing). Let her wear what she wants, though obviously you don’t have to let her steal your clothes.
anon
What young teen needs or wants a blazer? For swimsuits, Athleta may have something that works. What stores does she want to shop at?
Anonymous Grouch
Sorry what’s your question? If your daughter is built and dresses differently than you so what? You want to force her to show more skin? Not wanting to show much skin might make bathing suits a little challenging (although it’s also fine to swim in board shorts and a rash guard), but how is it hard to find a blazer or a dress that’s not s*xy?
ALT
The cool look for teens now is oversized everything. I don’t see anything wrong with a teen not wanting to show skin. I’ve never dressed in a way that shows a lot of skin, to the point where my own mother described my style (in my 20s!) to a neighbor as “extremely modest”. This feels like you’re creating problems where there aren’t any.
Anon
Ha. Yeah, as a very skinny teens in the 1980s I wore gigantic clothes! That was the style.
I still remember, in my early 20s, trying on a fitted dress and being like, Dang, I look like an actual woman! But it was my choice and my own delight to wear a more fitted dress.
Has your daughter actually asked you for fashion advice? Does she complain about her clothes or how she looks? If not, let her be. If so, well, back in the day we’d browse through Seventeen magazine or catalogs. I don’t know what kids do now.
Anon
Let her wear what she wants!
My clothes preferences are similar and Target has been hitting it out of the park in both the women’s and men’s sections. They have tons of corduroy and looser fits, which has made for a great winter in my book.
Last year’s Pride line at Target had great androgynous swimsuits (in spite of all the bananas outrage about their stuff). Otherwise, I usually wear a sports bra, board shorts and shirt. If I look comical, so be it.
Anon
Your daughter sounds like me at that age, both in temperament and body type.
Bathing suits: Title Nine.
Athletic gear: Oiselle
Daily “uniform:” slacks or shorts, women’s fit polo, cute sneakers?
Athleisure. Those athletic dresses are super cute and plenty modest but-not-in-a-religious-cult way.
Have her follow Two Scoops of Style; they have a good range of outfits, many of which would be plenty cute for a teenager.
Anon
What’s the question? Is she happy? Do you not want her wearing your clothing? Is there some occasion she needs a dress for? Leave her be.
anecdata
Is the difficulty that she’s having trouble finding the fits she likes in stores? Oversize everything is trendy right now; although there’s also a ton of very cropped stuff she may not like. If she’s not liking what’s in stores, would she enjoy poking through a thrift shop for “finds”?
On swimsuits particularly, this is entirely anecdotal, but when I was 12/13 ish, I was really really self conscious about n*pple show thru on swimsuits and the sporty styles I liked were generally unpadded (and I didn’t need the kind of built in bra for support reasons, so it probably didn’t occur to my mom to suggest it; and I didn’t realize until I was older that they existed). So if she’s unhappy with swimsuits, it might be worth grabbing a padded option for her to try too
Anonymous
Most teens in my town are wearing sporty leggings and a giant @ss sweatshirt. Sounds like the perfect fit for her. If she doesn’t want tight pants, swap for joggers.
HELPPPP!
After looking at my pictures from a speaking event yesterday, I realized I look like a stuffed turkey in a traditional blazer with shoulder pads and buttons (I am short and very curvy, size 12, 5 feet, bmi >30). I have another event soon i am speaking at, which will be live streamed and also generate a lot of pictures. Please help me find a collarless blazer that doesnt expose my massive midsection but makes me look more like a streamlined badass that I know I am, when not depressed by my pictures! Also appreciate any links or other ideas on a full outfit that you think would work on such a silhouette. Personally i seem to have best luck with deeper U or square neck tops or dresses as otherwise I look too busty (note above re short and curvy).
anon
first of all, i think unless you are a person on camera a lot (in which case i guess you normalize it) it is totally normal to react this way to seeing yourself in pictures. I’m sure you looked great. that said as requested, look at ann taylor (I was poking around today) they have a few collarless options (shorter and longer) and dresses,,,, looks like mainly a question of whether what you like all comes in the same color (and what you do for a living/where you live/ preference) they have a lot of pretty colors as well as basics which may or may not work for you depending.
KP
Yeah, I’m your height and size and it’s hard, isn’t it. Why do you need a blazer? If Fani Willis can testify in a pink dress…..just saying. I feel my best in slim pants and a loose top, see Chicos. I do like a jacket also and sometimes I use fashion tape to hold the front parts of the jacket to a nicer tee about 6 inches apart so they don’t just fall under my arms.
The No Club
I wonder if a thigh length blazer rather than waist or hip length would be better: https://modesens.com/product/ann-taylor-the-long-collarless-blazer-in-crepe-black-65647346/?country=us&language=en&refinfo=gSH_ggfAnnTaylofc-ApAcClOuCoJa65647346&srsltid=AfmBOop1A9unQV15LmTDaDgsRbwyYpq-iuIoG81C2mEq3rPIL7yXiQbvegg. Also of course if you need to size up to avoid looking “stuffed,” do so – no one sees the number on the tag!
Anon
Anyone else watching the Georgia hearing? Why did she not take an indefinite leave?
Anon
I’m not in Georgia and haven’t been able to follow the news closely. I heard a former friend of hers testified about the relationship starting earlier than acknowledged, and I think the ex-wife of the man also blew the lid on the relationship? Unless they are Trump supporters, I don’t understand their motivation to feed into this story however angry they are personally.
anon
So Wade and his wife are not yet divorced. I believe they literally just finalized a settlement in the last few days. My guess is that she cooperated with the Trump defendants as a means of gaining leverage in the negotiations, and probably cut off that cooperation once she agreed to a settlement with Wade. I know her lawyer, and she plays hardball (also, her lawyer at least is very much NOT a Trump supporter – she has some history as a trailblazer in LGBT family law in GA – and I don’t think she would participate in this if it were politically motivated).
anon
Not sure what this is, maybe a rant? Or maybe an ask for advice?
Husband and I have been married for over a decade. He has a very high libid0, and we do gardening activities at least 3-4 times per week.
Due to some work travel for my job, we’ve had a few stints of being apart for 3-4 weeks. 2 weeks is usually fine, with him missing the gardening and us sending s3xy texts or Facetimes to bridge the absence.
But at the 3-week mark, it’s like he just can’t handle it, and he’s made some comments about being frustrated that as a society and couple, we are so black-and-white about s3x.
I’m pretty traditional about this and very explicitly monogamous. I’ve been this way our whole relationship, I don’t think it’s ok to flirt with other people, consume p0rn, go to str1p clubs, etc. If someone else wants to do that, more power to you. But if you’re in a relationship with me, these are the terms, and have been the consistent terms since the beginning of our relationship.
Anyways, one way this comes out is that he thinks everyone is attracted to him. He’s asked me if I think some of our male friends are attracted to him because they’ve had a few deep conversations. My response is that I’ve seen zero evidence that they are attracted to him, talking to someone for a long time does not automatically mean there’s some sort of s3xual attraction, these guys know he’s straight and married, so what would it matter if they were attracted to him? And it’s worse for women. Any woman that seems to give him any sort of attention must be s3xually interested. I’ve explained that nope, women can have conversations, sit next to men, etc. without this feeling. And again, even if they ARE attracted to him in that way, they know he’s married, so nothing is going to happen.
He doesn’t behave differently towards these people, but it’s really annoying for him to get make these comments or have it in his head that everyone is s3xually attracted to him. I tell him he’s attractive to me, initiate gardening often, tell him he looks handsome when he dresses up, etc., and I’m generally quite flirty with him in general. He’s my husband, I love him, and I know he likes that type of attention. But good grief, don’t turn compliments from your wife into thinking that everyone else is thinking the same thing! Or that if your wife thinks this and wants to garden with you, then if only you weren’t in a monogamous relationship, you could still garden all the time because clearly, all these other people are also so attracted to you.
anon
Sounds like he needs validation at all times, and that seems exhausting.
anon
+1
ugh
Anon
I could be wrong and I hope I am, but I’d concerned he’s not actually monogamous with you when you’re traveling.
Anon
+1. This sounds like someone who is at very high risk of cheating, if they haven’t already cheated in the past. I would honestly do some snooping if I were OP through texts etc or have a very clear conversation with him about how he feels about monogamy.
Anon
Ding ding ding
Anon
Agree.
Maybe a controversial opinion: adults should be able to go three weeks without gardening, when there is a reason to do so (travel, illness, postpartum, recently widowed, etc.). Seriously, the man is not actually going to expire for lack of PIV.
Anon
Adults should be able to go way longer than that and many do. It’s disgusting to me that doctors often offer to write “notes to the husband” to respect a six-week postpartum PIV ban. Gross af.
Anon
But she also doesn’t want him to watch porn and do solo activities. She’s allowed to have whatever boundaries she wants, but it’s pretty different than just asking a man to go without PIV, which I agree should not be a big deal.
anon
OP here – I’m fine with him doing solo activities, just not by watching p0rn. We have naughty Facetimes or s3xting when I’m traveling, and he does solo activities as part of those interactions. He’s got plenty of pictures of me in a swimsuit or l1ngerie as well if he needs to see imagery. He’s definitely still having several releases each week when I’m traveling, with at least 1 or 2 of them with long-distance participation from me!
anonymous
That stood out to me too. I am very pro-monogamy, but you gotta let him take care of business. Let him solo with porn and call that a workable compromise.
Anon
OP, I’m also anti-porn. Good for you for naming a boundary and holding it.
Anon
OP, maybe provide him with newer/more exciting content by updating your bathing suit pictures to something racier? Especially as a surprise, this might show you care about his feelings here.
Anon
She’s right to oppose p0rn.
Anon
It sounds like there is an emotional undercurrent here for you that you are increasingly worried he is not wired for monogamy the way that you are. He seems to be a personality type that could indicate red flags for wanting non-monogamy – a) high drive and not feeling able to go long periods without physical intimacy and b) a very intense attraction to / rush from being liked by new people.
I would worry personally about him thinking everyone is attracted to him. First off, it shouldn’t matter – most people outgrow that kind of teenage-fever a lot younger, and no longer crave validation from everyone in that same way as adults. Why does he need this rush of external validation from friends and acquaintances, particularly of a romantic nature? Second, I personally would imagine there is at least a little bit of projection – HE is feeling attraction for many people, or at least intrigue, and then assuming others feel that same kind of frequent charge.
But what matters most is what’s going on with you. Is this making you anxious because you worry he will cheat? Does it feel like he is not-so-subtly planting seeds to open the relationship? It seems he was testing you by saying people shouldn’t be so black-and-white, which makes sense as to why you would be feeling more sensitive and aware of this. I think you need to both do some inner reflection about your boundaries and feelings, and have a sit-down conversation with him to get clarity on what his feelings are. Questions to ask him are: Does he feel attraction for many people? Does monogamy feel like a sacrifice to him? Would he prefer non-monogamy if given the option? Lay out what you’ve felt anxious about from his behavior and explain how it makes you feel. Once you have clarity on how he actually feels and not just what you think he feels, start to look at your own feelings. Are you okay with your husband having attraction to other people, as long as he is faithful to you? Do you trust him and believe he will be faithful? Is the differences in opinion on monogamy a price of admission or dealbreaker? What about his behavior is making you most anxious, and how can you unpack and explore those feelings?
anon
OP here, thanks for the thoughtful response.
The question about whether I mind if he’s attracted to others as long as he remains faithful to me is interesting. I get it that people can’t always control what they feel or their initial reaction to someone. I’m also not blind, I can recognize when someone is objectively attractive.
I think it’s more about cultivating that desire vs. recognizing it and moving on. We’re both into fitness, so an example of recognizing that someone has put in a lot of work on their physique or acknowledging that you admire their look because they have the body shape that you also want is completely different than dwelling on a “hot” person or wondering if that s3xy person over there is also thinking you’re s3xy.
I can’t control what goes on in his mind, so the behavior is definitely more important. But part of the behavior is also the words he says to me, and focusing on how many other people find him attractive makes me feel less secure about his satisfaction in our relationship. I’m quite satisfied with a single partner for life, him as that partner, etc. But I also don’t want to be stupid and end up with a resentful husband or just-this-shy-of-cheating husband.
Anon
Sounds like he’s already cheating, sorry.
Anon
Tell him if he wants to be open, he can find someone else. It seems clear he wants and open relationship and you are not at all down for that.
3 weeks is by no means the end of the world. If he is complaining about being faithful to you (eye roll @ him complaining about ‘society’), that is him showing you who he is and what he believes.
Anonymous
Please get a full STI panel done. I hope it’s not the case, but what you wrote raised red flags for me that he is cheating.
Anon
I think the part that would offend me the most if I were in your shoes is that his message is not, “I miss you so much, I miss having sex with you, I love you.”
His message is “my body needs sex and that’s your job and if you don’t do that job, I will find someone else.” That’s so gross to me, and would kill any warm feelings I had toward him at all.
Anon
Agree. Even if he hasn’t already cheated or doesn’t intend to cheat (which would surprise me), his clear desire to and his reaction to her being gone would make me seriously reconsider the relationship.
Anon
Outstanding point. OP, please consider.
Anon
I also noticed that the OP does not report what her own libido is – she only reported her husband’s. It was as if it was “this is what he wants, therefore that’s our frequency.”
Anonymous
A friend was in a relationship with a guy like that. She came to learn he’d had a string of side pieces for their entire relationship.
I hope that’s not your case.
Anonymous
I guess I’m not sure what the question is, but in your case I’d be OK with him watching porn while you are away for 2-3 weeks.
The rest sounds exhausting.
Anon
+1
anon
OP here – thanks for all the responses, it’s helpful to see, if disheartening.
I’ve actually told him that I think he should go to a s3x therapist to discuss this, because as you all note, plenty of people go for longer stretches without such intense feelings.
The comment about projecting these feelings also rings true, that he wants everyone to see him in this light because he sees most people in this light. Again, I think that’s a reasonable thing to discuss with a therapist.
Re: cheating, I don’t think he’s been cheating, but the discomfort that he either wants an open relationship or is at high risk for cheating is the big issue for me. He says that he wishes he didn’t have such a strong drive or focus on s3xual attraction, which is why I suggested working through it with a therapist who specializes in this type of thing vs. saying it to me. He seems confused that I don’t pay a lot of attention to whether someone is looking at me, flirting, etc. I’m not blind or stupid, I do recognize when someone is trying to flirt, but I also just don’t give off any vibes that I’m open to flirting, so it doesn’t happen very often, and I shut it down immediately if it does. He is generally true to his word and takes commitments seriously, so it’s less that I think he will be unfaithful, and more that I think he’s getting resentful that he has to stay faithful, given how much he thinks everyone is just walking around wanting s3x all the time (whether that’s with him or with their partner or just generally thinking about it as much as he thinks about it).
Anon
Any recs for a smart casual black jacket that is not a blazer, nor utility, not cropped and no gold buttons?!
Vicky Austin
I’m having trouble visualizing what that could look like if it is not a blazer and not a utility jacket.
Anon
Moto, bomber, something athleisure
Anon
Something to wear to the office that’s more informal. But utility tends to be cropped or belted. Could be a casual blazer if less structured or had some other detail.
Anon
https://bananarepublicfactory.gapfactory.com/browse/product.do?pid=811388011#pdp-page-content
https://athleta.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=728240002#pdp-page-content
https://www.marinelayer.com/products/quebec-sherpa-jacket-black?variant=40034141601866
https://www.uniqlo.com/us/en/products/E466366-000/00?colorDisplayCode=09&sizeDisplayCode=004
https://www.thisisaday.com/products/womens-lightweight-zip-up-jacket-up-in-the-air
Anon
These are great, thank you!