How Much Should Political Views Affect Friendships and Dating?
Do you talk about politics with your friends and dates/partners? How much should political views affect friendships and dating, in your opinion?
We've noticed The New York Times has been publishing a lot of stories recently on how opposing political views can affect friendships and dating (or not): “What Happens After You Ask if Your Date Is Pro-Choice?“, “If You’re Under 30, How Does Politics Affect Your Dating Life?“, “We Were Friends for Years. Trump Tore Us Apart,” and “When It Comes to Dating, Ambition Might Matter More Than Politics” (gift links).
{related: how to make friends as you get older}
Of course, we don't expect readers to have time right now to read all four NYT articles, so let's have more of a general discussion today. We'd love to hear what you have to say on this issue!
Here are a couple of excerpts from the stories:
The handful of people who mentioned political deal-breakers [in interviews from the Survey Center on American Life] tended to be very liberal or very conservative — perhaps falling in that roughly 20 percent of Americans who follow politics closely. In that group, views on abortion did come up as a deal-breaker. — NYT, “If You’re Under 30, How Does Politics Affect Your Dating Life?“
* * *
Some [of those interviewed] who were open to dating people with opinions on abortion different from their own had religious values in common. They tended to be Christians, and found that as long as their romantic counterparts shared Christian values and approached the question of abortion from that place, they could potentially deal with the disagreement. — NYT, “What Happens After You Ask if Your Date Is Pro-Choice?“
{related: how to deal with political talk at the office}
Readers, do the issues below resonate with you — or not?
Red flags: When you meet new people, are there any red (or green) flags you watch for regarding topics and values you feel strongly about? Is there any issue that's so important to you that you'd avoid a friendship or dating relationship if the person had opposite views?
Off-limits topics: Are there any subjects that you just don't discuss with friends, dates, and/or partners? Did you set that rule from the start in a particular relationship, or was it something that you felt you had to institute after running into significant problems?
Impact on relationships: Have you ever ended a platonic or romantic relationship because of different views/values? Are you estranged from any of your family members who have developed extreme views, such as believing in wild conspiracy theories?
{related: the effect close friends have on your life (and how to choose your friends)}
FYI, some organizations are working on bridging divides between Americans with different political affiliations and views, such as Civic Genius, Braver Angels, and Urban Rural Action.
Readers, do tell: How much has politics affected your friendships and romantic relationships? Have you lost friends over politics?
I have some very old friends from law school who I don’t see or correspond with very often – we’re as far apart as possible to get, I’m sure, but I like them too much to cut them off so we just don’t discuss. Ditto with mom friend and neighbor who’s in law enforcement – I know we’re very different politically but I like her too much, and our kids have similar disabilities.
I couldn’t date someone who felt differently, though.
I’m gay so….no. Not gonna work.
I have acquaintances from some hobbies that might be Republicans but we aren’t friends, just friendly. And they may not be. Haven’t asked. I’m think I’ve got one FB friend from college who is very republican (like interviewed on national news) but he only posts about his kids and the cool stuff his wife does for work, so haven’t unfollowed, but again, not an actual close friend.
Echo chamber? Sure—though there’s definitely lots of folks who are way farther left than I am in my social sphere, so also no? But I can’t be good friends with someone who thinks I shouldn’t have rights or votes for those who do.
I can’t imagine having a partner with whom I can’t talk about politics/ the state of the world. Nor can I imagine dating someone who would, for example, feel that I don’t have the right to healthcare.
I’m fine with certain differences of opinion among friends and partners. But when we get into situations of denying others’ humanity or supporting non-democratic actions (like book banning), I cannot.
I have some people I’m friendly with from certain hobbies, and I’m relatively sure they vote differently from me, but we just don’t talk about politics. Once I know that a person would vote to take away my personhood or that of my closest friends, then I honestly can’t unsee it.
Yes, this puts me in a friend bubble. But I live in the Bible Belt and my family has the stereotypical politics and worldview. I grew up with enough of that rhetoric to last a lifetime.
I just want to come back and clarify that I’m not saying all conservatives or republicans deny others’ humanity. But there’s a certain contingent (specifically MAGA people) in my state who do. Those are the people I avoid.
I guess I’m the conservative on here. As I mentioned now I, I have lived in deep red and deep blue areas. Personally, I find it much easier to get along with conservatives in deep blue areas, and it’s not because they are moderates. They are in fact quite based. They just think about things differently and approach things from a more nuanced perspective.
This totally makes sense, and people who see nuance are the folks I like to hang out with. Many conservatives in my area are the political meme types who won’t even engage in good-faith dialogue.
I always prided myself on the diversity of my friend groups. I’ve tried to hold on to some 20+ year -old friendships from college. But “political” views have a way of seeping in even if you try to avoid. If you’re casually making disparaging remarks about Jews, blaming poor people across the board for their own misfortunate lot in life (though you had many privileges and game things constantly) and are going to deny basic facts (accusing folks of making up long covid), it gets harder and harder to have respect for the person and feel like you can enjoy their company because you feel so personally conflicted. As I’ve gotten older, I feel like I don’t have tolerance anymore for that kind of garbage.
In my recent experience, most of the disparaging remarks about Jews are coming from the left not the right. I’ve never felt more alienated.
IMHO, the big issue when dating or contemplating marriage is abortion, if you’re heterosexual. You need to be on the same page when facing an unplanned or unwanted pregnancy.
My own views on that run counter to most of the women who comment here. It was important to me to find someone who aligns with me on that issue, and specifically, who would take burdens upon himself to make that happen. If we were facing financial hardship and I accidentally got pregnant, DH would get a second job. If I were assaulted and became pregnant as a result, DH would have his name on that baby’s birth certificate and we would raise it as our own. But I wouldn’t have ever married a pro-life man whose beliefs can be traced back to pregnancy not ever being a problem he will have.
Straight couples aren’t the only ones who need to be on the same page about abortion. Any woman with a uterus could get pregnant as a result of an assault, and her partner needs to be on the same page. Corrective SA is a thing. I’m bi, and men have made comments that I won’t like women after they’re done with me (said more crudely, ofc).
Anon at 2:40 pm, my intent was to acknowledge that not all couples are heterosexual. Therefore, I wanted to make it clear that bisexual and lesbian ‘rettes may not have the same experience.
I see a big distinction between dating/marriage and friendship. It would definitely be a relationship dealbreaker for me at this point.
My lifelong Republican father ended up voting for Hilary (very grudgingly) in 2016, and has basically been a Democrat since then. My mom told me at the time that she would have been ok with him sitting out that election (this was all pre-insurrection, etc) but she would have seriously contemplated divorce if he’d voted for Trump. They’d been married 40+ years at that point!
For friends, I wouldn’t want to spend time with anyone who’s in your face MAGA but as long as people don’t force their views on me, I don’t see it as a dealbreaker. I have some friends I suspect are Trump voters but we don’t discuss politics.
I will not date conservative men. I have seen too many of them treat their wives horribly. One such wife gained 15 pounds over their 15 year marriage (mostly due to menopause). She looks amazing to me, but he is threatening to move out because he “can’t stand to look at her.” To him, she betrayed him by gaining weight.
Conservative men view women as objects more frequently than progressive men from what I have seen. I am aware of the statistics regarding men that leave their wives after a cancer diagnosis. I wish someone would look into how politics impacts those numbers, because I have major suspicions.
I would also never date or marry a Republican man at this point, but I think liberal men are plenty shitty too. Anecdotally one of the most misogynstic men I know is left wing and very performative about being a feminisit.
I wouldn’t expect to see a big political divide in those cancer stats. If anything I suspect it’s the opposite of what you suggested, but I assume that’s because divorce is more stigmatized in conservative Christian communities that typically vote R, not because R men are more loyal or faithful.
I’ve also come across performative feminists, as well as men now trying to label infidelity as ENM or polyamory as some liberated way of life. If your partner(s) don’t know, then it’s still cheating…
It is well-known that divorce stats are actually highest in deep red areas where “divorce is more stigmatized.” The political divide is already evident.
I can write a book on why, and if I were a social scientist instead of an attorney, I would.
Conservatives – of which I am one – will claim that it’s because higher marriage rates mean higher divorce rates. Maybe it’s better to swing and miss than never step up to the plate.
Having lived in deep blue and deep red areas, it’s the culture. They don’t believe in acknowledging, let alone fixing, problems. Those very fixable problems fester and grow and eat away at the marriage. Then more problems get piled on, because men aren’t required to change and grow. Then the whole thing crumbles under the weight of too much misery, and everyone thinks the solution is a marriage retreat, getting women out of the workforce, or obligation s3x.
So toxic.
Yep, I constantly see conservative memes degrading women: all liberal women are ugly, liberal men are unsatisfied with their women partners, Michelle Obama is really “Big Mike”, Taylor Swift is really a man…that’s just in the last week.
So women can’t be too tall, too skinny, or too fat (plenty of fat shaming). Got it!
I’m the half of the couple (as a straight woman) who could be pregnant at some point. For that reason alone, I would never date an anti-choice man. And if you’re voting republican now, you’re anti-choice.
Generally, I agree that you need to agree on the big social issues with a spouse or potential spouse and on abortion policy (either direction) with someone you might even possibly make a baby with.
Most of my family are moderately conservative Republicans and I am what used to pass as a liberal but I suspect would now be considered a moderate or conservative Democrat. I also live in California and therefore have a front-row view of the sometimes impractical and myopic politics of the left. I have a more nuanced view than “Republicans all hate women and are racists.” I am friends who people who are on the opposite side from me on abortion and a lot of economic issues and who struggle with the politics of gender identity, but would have a hard time being friends (as opposed to friendly) with someone who was (for example) a rabid Trump supporter or opposed equal legal rights to the LGBTQ community.
+1 – This is me exactly.
This reminds me of the “growth mindset v. shared values” theads recently. Shared values are important to find points of connection. I’ve lost friendships over politics, and I’m fine with that. I don’t want to socialize with people who think large classes of people are inferior or shouldn’t have human rights. Keeping a friendship with them would seem very fake.
I’ve found these same people to be very aggressive about bringing up their beliefs. An old friend literally confronted me about am I a Dem because the D stands for damned/devil…that isn’t a difference of opinion, that’s brainwashing. I unfortunately have other conservative acquaintances that constantly bring up “your president this”, “sleepy Joe that”…if I see them, for no reason, when we aren’t even discussing politics.
I don’t want to listen to people talk about weird conspiracies like QAnon, a “deep state”, or massive child s3x trafficking by liberals. I certainly can’t imagine having dated or married someone like this! Of course my DH and I don’t agree on everything, but we share basic, fundamental values that are important to both of us.
I was definitely pickier about politics with people I dated than with choosing friends. My spouse and I don’t have identical views, but we’re similar enough that it’s workable. For instance, he’s OK with the death penalty in some circumstances while I’m opposed, we have similar (but not identical) views about abortion, we’re both Dems but he is far more forgiving than I am about the foibles of our current governor, etc.
As for friends, my closest friends share many of my political views, but a handful are WAY more conservative than me, and a few are definitely to the left. This is probably a gendered thing as well, plenty of my women friends aren’t very interested in politics. In terms of neighborhood friends and people I meet because our kids are at the same school, I’m quite sure we have different views on pretty serious stuff, and I try to just stay friendly.