Tuesday’s Workwear Report: The Shortie Favorite Pants

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1. I was invited to join a law firm as an operating partner, but I’m not sure about it. I’m in another professional discipline (not law) which could have cross-referral synergies, but I don’t have a book of business to bring as I’ve been in corporate for most of my career. It’s one of the firms where you “eat what you kill” and are encouraged to bring on others, as you get a % of their fees. If you bring in work, you pay the firm 30% and keep the rest or refer it on and get a % of the revenue (negotiable). The 30% is in return for PII, billing etc, and help with marketing, as well as CPD and the ability to charge more based on being part of a large multinational firm (Europe and newly US too).

   Something about it seems off…the operating partners are self employed, so it seems like risk falls on the partners not the company, but the company gets a lot of upside. Also, I’m not sure what quality control is in place and don’t want to be caught up in reputation risk, although from LinkedIn it seems legit with partners with decent experience from well known law firms.

   Thoughts?

   1. I’m struggling to see what appeals to you about this? Assuming you’re currently employed in a business role at a company, this would essentially mean changing to a sales career. I’m also not at all familiar with this model for running a law firm…

      1. I’m currently unemployed, and it’s been 9 months so I’m starting to look at fractional work etc to bridge the gap between now and finding a FT role. I’d rather stay corporate, but the appeal is to have some work while being able to retain some control around which clients/work I do and don’t accept. Basically, I need an income and this might be better than nothing.

         1. In light of this, some things to consider might be – how easy is it to extricate if you don’t like it / don’t get the referrals you’re expecting / find something else? Is there financial liability upfront? Depending on answers to those questions, seems like a reasonable stopgap and if you gave it a try, you might end up liking it (do you think you’d like developing your own business? It’s HARD for everyone to start, even if you naturally enjoy it). As an attorney, my impression of firms like FB are that they are folks who want to do their own thing but don’t want to “run a business” like you have to if you’re a solo shop. I don’t think negatively of them. And I believe it is true that it’s easier to find a new job while you have one.

         2. Maybe start your own LLC and become a consultant? Keep 100% of the work, build a book, then see if you want to join a firm? If they tell you “you’ll have immediate referrals from us,” I’d be less worried.

   2. I bet it’s really competitive, with partners kind of trying to steal each other’s clients or cases or projects, and each partner’s team under them ends up being only or mostly loyal to that partner, even though the firm is the real employer and they’re all supposed to work together and be on the same team. I don’t love that kind of atmosphere

   3. Why would you do this? They have successfully shifted all of the risk to you, yet called you a “partner.” If you’re able to get business from your current company, they benefit; if you fall flat on your face, you leave.

      Seems like there is some serious survivor bias with the current partners. I wouldn’t be surprised if the ones who couldn’t make any money left for greener pastures relatively quickly.

      Explain exactly how this benefits your career and what upsides there are for you.

      If you want out of corporate, become “of counsel.”

   4. What is an “operating partner”? I’m not familiar with this term (and I am an equity partner at a law firm). Is it like a Fisher Broyles or similar?

      1. Yes it’s a similar firm to this, but a different one.

   5. I am an equity partner at an eat what you kill firm, and I keep about 67% of my billings/book every year. Would you be a lobbyist, or analyst, or accountant type role trying to cross sell? This seems like a lot of risk for someone with no book. If you like the offer or are ready for a risk, perhaps ask if they will guarantee $x in compensation your first year. My firm would never, but we also have partners who blindly recruit MLM style and then folks fail/make $0. (We just removed a non equity partner who made $40k gross last year, because she had zero of her own origination and worked only on others’ work, and others hoarded work.) Also, before you join, make sure you get verification its 70% every year and not an average; and ask about your draw – because at my firm, your draw the first year is 2-months delayed and purely based on collections, so you’d get $0 pay for 2+ months. This environment is cutthroat but it works for some. I originate business and can set my own schedule, take on cases or fire clients whenever I want. But if “operating” is like “working” and you’re in a non legal role, I’d encourage you to talk with 3-5 others in similar roles at the firm and 2-3 who left recently.

      1. I just want to add: this is what being in a small law firm can be like and what it is like as a solo (except you are also juggling lumpy collections along with rent, tech bills, staff, benefits, IRS withholdings, etc.). It’s not the minutia, it’s the lumpiness of collections vs the un-lumpiness of expenses.

         There are upsides of being a big-law or mid-law associate, namely benefits and a check that doesn’t bounce and IRS withholdings that don’t go missing in tight times.

         1. This makes the whole thing sound like a scam.

2. Any source other than Boden for similar dresses with pockets – similar price and size range? I have had quality issues the last 3 purchases and am looking for a similar brand!

   1. Baukjen.

   2. Lands’ End

   3. The Tobie dress at Anthro has pockets and looks good on everybody. The Somerset Maxi Dress: Shirt Dress edition also does.

   4. Several of Quince’s dresses have pockets.

3. Any recs for a small treadmill/walking pad? It would be used at home during my break (not trying to do work at it). Less than $500 preferably.

   Also, how long do these things tend to last? I’ve read they burn it in a year. Appreciate any insight!

   1. My suggestion: get a high quality used treadmill. They can stand up when not in use so it wouldn’t eat up a lot of floor space.

      I have a commercial NordicTrack that I got from a friend who was moving. It’s amazing and (fingers crossed) a total beast in the durability department.

      1. I had a folding treadmill and it took up a whole lot of space both vertically and in terms of floor space, folded or not. The walking pads are much smaller.

      2. Yes these used to be $50 or less on Craigslist. Probably the same range on your local social media sell groups or marketplace

   2. I have a cheap on from Am@zon and it has been going strong for over 4 years.

      1. Do you know what brand it is?

   3. I bought the Sperax walking pad off Amazon in November. so far so good. I wanted a longer one for more stride room. it’s 250 on sale with a coupon.

4. I gave up my pair of tan suede loafers — they weren’t a traditional loafer but more like a women’s loafer that was less chunky and more like a loafer/flat hybrid. They were just so loose in the heel that I was perpetually stepping out of them and it just got too annoying, with many fixes that didn’t work.
   I’m hunting for a new pair. For 2025, would you go with a more traditional loafer or something more like what I had before? Suede? Leather? And tan / caramel (hard to find for me) or something more brown / cordovan? Leather sole or rubber? I don’t love the lug sole look, but rubber soles to me are comfier and it’s wet where I live, so I love having grip when I walk on marble / granite / tile floors that are often in buildings.
   Would wear with jeans and white pants when I think that black would look too heavy.

   1. I just ordered these – they run about a half-size large. The “cannellini” color might work.
      https://www.dsw.com/product/lucky-brand-louisaa-mule/583914?activeColor=cannellinitaupe

      1. i have these. like them a lot. i think the color i have may not be here anymore, mine are like a saddle but there are lots of lighter colors….

         https://www.nordstrom.com/s/loraine-bit-loafer-women/4447269?origin=category-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FShoes%2FWomen%2FLoafers%20%26%20Oxfords&color=259

         1. I have these in two colors and love them. Easy to walk long distances in them.

   2. I have some Uptown style Vionics in the sand color that I basically wear just as often as sneakers. I could walk for miles in those.

   3. Quince has a nice selection of loafers in brown and light tan. I have the Italian Soft Leather Loafer and it’s comfortable and nice looking.

   4. maybe take a look at the Tory Burch ballet flats?

5. We are going skiing for spring break as complete newbies. I have always wanted to ski, but never have. We have a 6 and 8 year old. We’re putting them in two days of ski school, and doing one day of school ourselves and then planning to just kind of explore on the second day. I rented equipment for three days, thinking we may possibly want to take a third day all four of us, but would be fine if we did not. The lift tix I bought are refundable. I would appreciate any and all thoughts on this plan, whether good or bad, and any tips on doing this with kids. I am somewhat worried they are just going to decide they hate it after the first day, especially my younger one who is not the kind of kid who would naturally enjoy this.

   1. I would put the kids in ski school for the third day. It is not fun trying to get beginner kids down a hill, and even less so when you are just learning yourself.

      My biggest piece of advice is to resist the temptation to “get your money’s worth” by insisting on using up all the time on your lift tickets. If anyone is starting to get tired or uncomfortable, call it a day. The risk of injury or just a bad experience is higher on that one last run when you really should have stopped. We often just buy the half-day lift tickets to force that limit.

      I always pack two pairs of ski mittens for the kids. Especially if the weather is warmer or there is snowmaking going on, even supposedly waterproof mittens always seem to get soaked.

      1. “Never make your last run your last run” is classic advice. When you think you have one more run in you, you’re actually already done.

         1. It’s bad luck to say “let’s do one more.” Say “let’s do a couple more” and then stop at one.

      2. Yeah afternoon conditions often fall apart. Also you’re going to be tired. Skiing uses weird muscles that you probably don’t normally use.

         I’d see if there’s a tubing hill or a dessert/pizza place/arcade, and leave plenty of time for fun other things.

   2. Good – all of you will be in school and no one is trying to teach anyone else
      Caution – I tried skiing for the first time in my late 20s and loathed the feeling of everyone else rushing by me unpredictably, semi out of control in the case of like 5yo snowboarders. Plus I was old enough to know the real consequences of a crash. My adult brain’s risk-reward balance was tipped a lot more towards risk than reward… so you may be less likely than your kids to find it fun to learn. On the other hand I tried cross-country skiing for the first time in my 30s and took to it immediately; you’re out in the woods by yourself, lower speeds, great exercise.
      Caution #2 – where are you going? East coast (risk of ice from the thaw-and-freeze cycle and manufactured snow) or west (possible effects from altitude?)

      1. I also skied for the first time late (in my 40s!) and had trouble not thinking about Natasha Richardson and Sonny Bono. So… definitely go with tempered expectations for yourself. While I’m in decent shape but overweight, I also had some trouble with the physicality – mostly being able to get up after going down.
         My kids have actually taken to skiing, and my husband who hadn’t been on skis in 20 years loves it.
         One thing that works for us is not planning on more than a couple hours of skiing at a time, because everyone gets tired pretty easily. We only schedule at most 3 hours at a time, and then plan to do something else the rest of the day (I know an alternative would be lunch in the lodge and then going back out, but for my kids who are older than OP’s, that hasn’t been a winning idea for us.)

      2. We are going to the west coast, canada

         1. Banff is really intense for beginners

            1. But gorgeous! I learned to snowboard as an adult in the Alps, and honestly, I’m glad I did… It’s much more inspiring to look at big beautiful mountains then it would have been to learn on some icy east coast local hill.

               OP, your plan sounds fine. I would definitely keep an open mind about ski school for the 3rd day. Until you all know what you’re doing, it’s probably more fun for the kids to ski with same-age peers and a competent instructor, and for you to focus on your own runs without trying to keep a group of 4 beginners together.

   3. The key to this is short days plus lots of fun at the resort after skiing. Skiing is less fun when the snow has melted and gotten all chunked up, and that’s true even for little kids on the tiny hills. Do about four hours of skiing and ski school, break for lunch, get some hot chocolate, hit the pool, watch some TV.

      It’s easier to convince them to go back for the second day if they had fun the first day and didn’t feel like it was a marathon.

   4. You’re going to have so much fun!! I would probably do a half-day of ski school for yourself on the second day – more than one day would be beneficial. Don’t listen to the naysayers who say you can’t ski as an adult/you’ll get hurt/you’ll be cold/etc. Skiing is one of the MOST FUN things you can do as a family. Make it even more fun by having a bag of gummy bears in your pocket for any whiny moments and getting hot chocolate in the lodge after.

      1. +1 for ski school for the adults on day 2. I am an intermediate skier who started years ago, and I like to take a lesson or two if I haven’t been in a few years and am just getting back on the blue squares.

      2. A container of mini M&Ms also works magic for a pick-me-up on the lifts with kids.

         1. This! My kids are great skiers but I always carry regular candy/chocolate for pick me ups on the lift – a block of Lindt breaks into mouth sized squares for a quick bite. Plus I carry ‘emergency candy’. Was super helpful when we got stuck on a gondola for a half hour. Just having it and discussing with the kids if this is an emergency candy situation can sometimes help them reset. I would definitely do a hot chocolate break after ski school.

      3. I go skiing every few years and I always do a half day private lesson on one of my first days. I would plan to do something like that after your ski school day. The instructor will go out with you, watch you ski and give you advice which is so helpful

   5. It sounds great! Have fun.

   6. Skiing as a family is amazing! I ski weekly with my 12 year old and 15 year old and really teared up when they asked me what I was going to do when they went to college. It is our thing, and even as they get older they still want to do it as a family in addition to with their friends. <3

      It will be harder for you to learn than your kids – that's ok! I learned at 18, after I'd torn an ACL, and I knew I could break. I will never be as good my kids, but they come down easier trails with me, or we ski together until they get to the glades and meet up at the bottom, or we just take the chair lift up together.

      1. You’ll have so much fun skiing with them on college breaks. As you know, some of the best talks you can have with kids are on chairlifts!

      2. College breaks and honestly, women’s groups.

         My husband learned as an adult and we prioritize skiing as a family. My oldest is 12 and it’s our Thing. Like, she goes up friend time to ski with me.

   7. Have a great time! Skiing is the ultimate focus on yourself and ignore how others are performing. Note that you need to maintain awareness to help avoid collisions. Kids and teens can be crazy, but at least we all wear helmets now. Bring motrin and a heating pad for bumps and bruises. If the place you are staying has a pool or hot tub, absolutely take advantage. Make sure you bring socks that are designed for skiing, as ski socks have padding in the right spots and are not cotton.

      My oldest loves to ski and took to it quickly. My youngest is less enthusiastic and outright boycotted lessons one year. I would go into the experience with an open mind and very low expectations. If either of your kids have sensory issues, know that skiing can bring all of those issues to the fore. Take lots of snack breaks.

   8. Get glove leashes and phone leashes.

   9. Do you ice skate? If so, get in some extra practice before you go. Skiing is basically like really long skates.

      1. As a former serious competitive figure skater who can’t ski at all despite many lessons, I beg to differ ;) they’re completely different to me!

         1. I find the fact that you have to get way down into your knees similar. And I am very good at skating on the flats so I don’t have to take my skis off and carry them.

         2. It’s probably less transferable if you’re really good at one or the other but in the basics of edges and stopping and turning, it’s pretty similar.

            1. Now I am trying to picture a 3-turn or a mohawk on skis.

   10. Magnesium salt bath after the first day for everyone and Advil the next morning. Without injury they are still likely to be sore from using muscles differently than they are used to.

       1. +1 Bring some epsom salt for baths for soreness!

   11. I love this for you. My five year old who refuses other sports will happily go to ski school, so your youngest may surprise you! I wouldn’t rule out putting them in three days of ski school. You’ll still get plenty of family time and ski school is great. I also think it helps to be a pretty solid skiier if you’re helping kids down a mountain – you’ll probably want to focus on your own skiing that day still. You could do a run as a family at the end of the day if they aren’t too tired? We don’t ski a full day with our kids until they’re solid blues skiiers, and they haven’t seemed to hold it against us yet. Plus I love skiing with just my husband – it’s some of the best quality time we ever get together. Hope you all have a great time.

       1. This is our approach, too. This winter was the first time my kids (8, 10, and 12) all did a full day with us. And I use “full day” very loosely, we definitely left them in the lodge and did a couple runs on our own, or left them on their favorite lift and agreed to meet them back there in an hour.

   12. Your plan sounds excellent! And have fun — I love skiing and it’s a great family activity. Wear sunscreen, stash a few bags of M&Ms in your pockets, make sure you have a safe zippered pocket for your phone, and drink all the hot chocolate with your kids at the end of the day. Enjoy!

6. Any advice on helping an adult through double-hip replacements? The plan is to stagger the surgeries. Can you do stairs? Do you need a hospital bed? Is there any place on the web that helps with what to expect? Adult is single, lives alone and I suspect as relatives, we may be pressed into service to relieve local ones but without a lot of notice or ability to get up to speed generally. I am worried that I can’t lift someone my size and this person is larger than me.

   1. Yes, these are all basic questions that the doctor will be able to answer for your specific situation. You need those answers before you figure out what additional support would be helpful.

   2. How old is this person? My mom is early 60s and gotten two hip replacements in the past few years. In her case, they had her up and walking the same day as the surgery, and sent home in the afternoon. She couldn’t go upstairs for a while, but no one had to lift her at all. Showering was also rough, I think she sat and used a handheld sprayer. But besides being there to bring her things, she didn’t really need help. My dad took a couple days off work to take care of her, but she was pretty self-sufficient after a few.

      1. My mom is 80 and same experience. She couldn’t leave the surgery center until she could walk up a few stairs (enough to get into the house, not a full flight). She’s still recovering, but no need for lifting, just help with stuff around the house, dealing with the pain, and she can’t drive for a while so she needs help with getting food, medication, and going to doctors appointments.

      2. OP here. Person is early 50s and lucid, which is better IMO than 80s with some dementia. Could generally take meds with no assistance and open pill bottles. Good to know we will be more servants and errand runners than likely to help with lifting / toileting / bathing. That was the main initial concern — would I need a helper myself or risk injury.

         1. After my MIL’s hip replacement, she found a raised toilet seat helpful. I had no idea these even existed, so before surgery ask about what aids will be helpful to have when the person comes home.

            1. This is a great idea.

   3. I have had a joint replacement — drink more water than you think. Being hydrated really helps with bone pain. She needs a water bottle with a hook/handle that you can loop through one finger. It’s hard to carry a glass and manage a walker/cane for a while, so something that doesn’t spill is important. Everyone at my surgery center who got a hip replacement looked 10 years younger by the end of their therapy. It clearly shows that compensating for the damaged join creates pain elsewhere that goes away when you’re fixed. She should be looking forward to life after the first couple of weeks!!

      1. Surgery center — this is done as an outpatient? Do they keep you even one night?

         Honestly wondering who stays in hospitals now and how this will work when we age (so many friends are only children of only children, so no or few relatives).

         1. My mom had one recently and it was done at a day surgery center, but they said that they’d keep you overnight if you weren’t able to walk by the end of the day. My sister is a PT and she said that at her hospital, there’s a hotel across the street where lots of people stay if they’re from out of town or don’t have accessible homes. Some people hire nursing care at the hotel.

         2. A lot of surgeries are done as outpatient now, mostly because insurance companies refuse to pay inpatient rates. If you or a loved one has a planned major surgery and concerns about recovery, talk to the surgeon about the specific issues. You may be able to get approved as an inpatient or get discharged to skilled nursing post-surgery.

            Outpatient joint replacement requires that the patient can stand and walk with assistance (walker/crutches/cane) prior to discharge. And you should have a prescription for home PT within a day or two.

      2. No help for cane use, but with a walker you can buy a basket that fits on the front that has a cup holder insert. I’ve had two knee replacements and the ability to go get your own water etc should not be underestimated. I’d say that for someone who will be home alone, even a little bit of the time, this is a necessity.

   4. Depends on age and fitness. My relative in his mid or late 60s and in good but not amazing shape had planned to stagger his hip replacements. On the first hip replacement he went home the same night, including climbing a flight of stairs (with assistance to balance) at home. It was so easy compared to his expectations that he called the surgeon to get on the cancellation list did the other hip ASAP rather than waiting the time he had planned.

      IIRC the patient is supposed to get moving as soon as possible.

   5. My mom was up and walking the day of her hip replacement. But agree you need to ask the doctor.

      1. +1. My DH just had one and sleeping was tough for about a week but he was walking around every day. He is under 50 though and can’t take NSAIDs so was only using tylenol for pain relief (wouldn’t take the o x y).

   6. If possible I recommend separating the surgeries and doing only one side first.

      Hip replacements are easy as far as surgeries go and a person could theoretically be alone after one as long as their meds are in order. Patients are supposed to stay mobile afterwards.

   7. My husband had a total knee replacement about a month ago. Not the same, but some things I would ask about: Does it make sense to rent a lift chair? (My husband never could have handled getting in and out of our bed. Best $200 we could have ever spent on the rental). Will they send you home with an ice machine or one you can rent? They look sort of like a cooler that you plug in. Works way better than just using ice packs. Do any meal prep services look good? My husband already was on a service called Metabolic meals (he’s been trying to lose weight). Not having to cook for him has been a life saver. That first week I was running ragged just keeping up with getting him drinks, refilling the ice machine every few hours, getting him medicine, throwing things in the laundry, etc. while still working from home.

7. Reporting back after my long weekend with my mom who I love dearly but is very tough and old school regarding gender norms, body image, motherhood as self-sacrifice. The plan was to spend the long weekend at a ski resort, so that much of the time was spent outdoors. Mother nature had other plans resulting in the resort being shut down due to high winds for 2 of 3 days, and the resort losing power for 8 hours one of those days. As a result, instead of spending time out on the slopes, we were stuck inside in close quarters almost all weekend. I heard way too many comments about everyone’s bodies (my 76 year old mother asking whether people were going to laugh at her body?!), what we were eating (all you need is hummus for lunch and dinner, right?), and my and my sibling’s parenting (we work too much and don’t demand utter obeyance from our children). We had booked a message that was cancelled during the power outage, and it became my fault that we could not rebook because I had to get home on Sunday with time to get ready for the week. I feel completely fried and drained from the weekend. I also realize that I cannot sign up for this type of trip again, and I dread having to navigate that future conversation. I wish I could nap or do something, anything, restorative.

   1. Ugh, I’m sorry, that sounds brutal.

   2. I’m sorry you had such a rough trip. If it helps, my north star is that I won’t do things that will significantly hamper how I parent. So I’ll help unreasonable family as much as I can, but if it gets bad enough that I get really out of sorts, that’s my line. My kids deserve a present, well-adjusted mom more than Unreasonable Relative deserves more of my time. It’s hard to walk away from certain family things, but it’s easier if I look at what’s at stake.

      1. This plus a million.

      2. Not the OP, but I needed to read this. Really struggling with some members of DH’s family and what I see as entitled behavior to our time, energy, and effort (which feels very one-sided, btw). DH and I aren’t necessarily wanting a closer relationship but a mutual relative just keeps pushing it. And anytime we spend more than a few hours with them, I turn into a dysregulated grouch, no matter how much I try not to.

      3. omg, I needed to read this today. I’m helping an unreasonable relative on Thursday after being essentially bullied into it, I need to draw my line in the sand.

   3. What is with that boomer obsession with commenting on people’s bodies? I love my aunt dearly but I cannot take another “my friend Susie is A HUNDRED POUNDS overweight” from her.

      1. Can confirm it’s a generational thing.

         “Such a nice figure”, “You are so pretty and slim” are the harmless comments with my mom. “Look at your fat grandma” directed at my kid was when I had to step in to stop this type of comment.

         Now, when this happens, I just state in a very neutral, matter-of-fact tone:
         “People come in all shapes and sizes, some sizes might be creating health problems for some people, so we try to maintain healthy bodies by eating foods that contain all the nutrients we need in the right quantities. We do not comment on other people’s bodies.” Rinse and repeat.

         1. It’s SUCH a generational thing. Boomers feel free to make comments no millennial would make and they seem to expect that others will agree. So many of them overtly look down on fat people and have no qualms about showing it.

            1. It’s not just looking down on fat people, even though that’s were it often comes out so bluntly. It’s also directed at women, mostly.

               I’ve heard comments like
               “She looks too muscular, always obsessed with her running training for the next race.”
               “She is so occupied with her [team sport], neglecting her kids.”
               ” She is so fat, I bet she doesn’t know how to cook vegetables.”
               ” She is so thin, how can her husband want to hug such a stick figure.”

               Ironically, this comes from my mother, who has never in her life upheld an exercise regime and paying for it physically in her late 60s.

      2. It’s so toxic. I catch myself thinking like that and have to remind myself to not be like my mother.

      3. My mom is like this and it drives me nuts as well. I had to listen to it my whole childhood and adolescence, I’m almost 50 and she’s still going strong.

      4. When I was in my 20s, Boomer women would just lash out at me about my body. (Not that it should matter: I was always appropriately dressed, nearly groomed, and, probably the real issue, conventionally attractive.) My Boomer parents can’t stop the body commentary. They can’t. If you challenged them to stop the body commentary for a month straight and get a million dollars, they would flunk that marshmallow test.

         My theory? Boomers came of age in a time when women were still judged very heavily on their looks and ability to land a man, but also had unprecedented opportunities open for women. They were also the “forever young” crowd.

         Turns out, age happened to them too. Maybe their lives didn’t work out the way they wanted. Maybe they are insecure about the young women coming up behind them, with their entire lives in front of them and the youth that is long gone for the Boomers.

         So it all comes out in a fountain of body commentary.

      5. It is so toxic, and I have noticed it being particularly bad among the Boomer population.

         It comes out in reverse, too. My 10yo DD has been working some Girl Scouts cookie booths recently. Boomer women will stop and tell DD and her friend how pretty they are. While it’s sweet, I guess, I don’t love it. It’s teaching her that strangers are always noticing how she looks.

         1. It’s still endless body commentary, so it isn’t really the reverse.

   4. I’m sorry, this is so hard. My mom is the same way.

      I don’t think you have to have some big conversation about future trips. I’m a very direct person so my default is to talk things to death in the name of openness. I’ve learned that most people hate that. They just do things they want to do and don’t do things they don’t want to do. So be one of those people. If mom wants to do a ski trip again, oh gosh idk if I can do it again after last time! Let’s go to a matinee and lunch and then we’ll head home. Or whatever works for you.

      1. I agree. You can back away without directly discussing it.

   5. I do not travel with my mother for this reason. I take her to movies, plays, and concerts so I don’t look like a terrible daughter. A focus on the screen or stage keeps comments to a minimum. Please know you are not alone and I feel for you.

   6. re the “all you need is hummus for lunch and dinner” – i don’t think that’s unusual with older people, i know there’s some tiktok girl i’ve watched who made fun of her mom being like “oh gosh i’m starving do you want to split a clementine for dinner?”

      but i’m sorry she was exhausting for you

      1. That tiktok girl speaks to my soul.

      2. If it’s who I’m thinking of, she is hilarious. And spot-on in her observations!

   7. When we travel to visit, or travel with, my ILs, I build in an extra day off at the end for recovery. No one knows except my husband. And no one needs to know. If the visit is a typical exhausting, draining visit, then I rest, do nice things for myself, and we order takeout for dinner. If it’s an unusually good visit, I rest, do nice things for myself, we order takeout for dinner, and I’m greatful for the rare good visit.
      I never regret the extra day off to recover from these visits.

8. Any advice for slogging through one more year in the city? DH and I aren’t able to buy a house in the suburbs quite yet and we are so sick of city living. Most of our friends are in the burbs now, the bars and restaurants are all blending together, and it feels like doing anything fun involves a layer of inconvenience. Is there anything you missed about the city after leaving? Or is this just a suck it up situation?

   1. Living the suburbs adds another layer of inconvenience compared to city living. I found it very challenging in the suburbs to keep my job and ended up moving back to the city.

      The extra space in the suburbs means you fill it up with more stuff. It’s more work, expense and time spent commuting.

      1. This is very true. OP, reframe it as this being the last year of convenience you’ll have for a few decades!

   2. are you saving money by not needing multiple cars? that’s a benefit of city living in some cases. Look for these silver linings to get you through.

   3. Adjust your attitude really. If you view it as a slog, it will be. I love living in a city, walking everywhere, new restaurants to try, interesting stores, all the different people.

      1. This. Try to shift your mindset to you GET to spend one more year in the city. If you don’t enjoy going out to bars anymore, skip that and try early dinners at new spots. Check out the museums on the weekend. Go for long walks now that the weather is getting better.

   4. Maybe view it as your last chance to enjoy your favorite spots — I’d miss my favorite restaurant, the museum, and walking path.

   5. Oh my gosh, as someone nearly 40 with two kids out in the burbs, I regularly think back longingly on my time of city living. I know we’ll likely never live in a city again, and it makes me sad. If I were in your position, I would soak up every minute of this last year with the understanding that an end of a season of your life is coming. Things I specifically do not like about living the burbs – not being able to walk ANYWHERE except around the neighborhood, that it takes 40 minutes to drop my kids at school and get to work (and I know that’s short compared to some), the uniformity of it all – there are so many more interesting people in town, and the upkeep required on a house. It is so expensive and time consuming and neither of us have any interest in it, so we outsource everything but it STILL takes a bunch of time. Of course, in spite of all of this, it’s the right place for our kids, so we’ll be here and it’ll all be fine, but you specifically asked for things I miss!

   6. Look at it as your last chance to get those things done you wanted to do but haven’t gotten around to yet, a last hurrah city bucket list!
      I definitely don’t understand what you think is inconvenient about the city that won’t have corresponding inconveniences elsewhere, but here are some things I miss:
      The number and breadth of good quality restaurants;
      Shopping in stores where you can ogle and try on in person;
      Not having to get in your car to run every single errand;
      Zoos! Museums! Parks! Bookstores!

   7. I know I’m in the minority, but I am with you on suburban living being easier than city living. We can park both of our cars in the garage and bring our groceries right into the house. We have a full-sized refrigerator and real grocery stores and a full-sized Target. In our metro area, the advantage of city life is easy access to museums, better restaurants, and the performing arts. I’d focus on taking full advantage of those amenities while you wait for your escape to the suburbs. If you have access to public tr@n$it, I’d explore beyond your immediate neighborhood since you’re sick of your local spots. (The cities where I’ve lived don’t really have this, which is another reason that city living stinks.)

      1. Yeah the suburbs are amazing for families.

         I would lean into events you wouldn’t do as easily otherwise, comedy shows, unique restaurants, live music…

   8. Are you actually sick of the city or are you frustrated about being “unsettled”? We were in your boat a few years ago– most of our friends had already moved, and we knew we were going to move but the timing just wasn’t right… so we just felt in flux. It was hard to get invested in meeting people near us, etc. when we were about to move.

      Things I miss— walking to parks/playgrounds/coffeeshops. Being able to easily try a new restaurant or go to an event. (It’s not that we can’t do these things anymore, but everything is further away in a suburb, so you need a babysitter for a longer period of time, etc. )

      1. This. We moved from one city to another. Still live in the city proper, but feel much more rooted in our current community. I love being able to walk or bike to parks and coffee shops and bakeries, to pick up a quick banh mi or burrito for lunch with my husband when we both wfh, and that a lively theater and music scene is just a few minutes away (we don’t have to get a sitter for five hours and drive an hour each way to see a show).

      2. I can’t imagine ever living somewhere that’s not walkable to those things (and a few restaurants). It’s always been a top priority of mine in the burbs to still be somewhere walkable! But also having a car and being able to drive to a full size grocery store, not carry my bags home, and then put them away in a full size fridge in a real kitchen has also been so nice.

   9. I might have to leave the city for the burbs soon-ish and I’m not looking forward to it. Even though if I move to the burbs it will be in a walkable town with bars, restaurants, a train downtown, and parks it’s still not my preferred style of living. Like yes, the area I’ll move to has “lots” of walkable bars, but “lots” in the burbs is a small fraction of what I have in the city. Any type of cuisine is only a walk away for me right now. All of my friends are still in the city, and it’s magical being walking distance to so many friends – something I’ll never have again. Public transit exists in the burbs, but is way better where I am now. Going to a concert or a major league sports game means hopping on the subway for 10 minutes, not trying to figure out difficult logistics. Public transit out to the burbs a) takes longer, b) doesn’t run as frequently, and c) ends by midnight so if I’m going out with friends or seeing a show I’ll really have to plan, which I don’t now.

      There are things I’ll prefer about the burbs, but I didn’t think I’d be leaving the city so soon and it’s hard.

   10. Is there any chance you can rent in the suburbs for a year? If it works it could be a lower stakes way to test drive a home layout or neighborhood.

       I rarely miss the city; the first time I shopped for groceries I could put in the trunk of my car I cried with joy. That said, I think my husband misses it most days. We can walk to a coffee shop and a few restaurants and shops so we appreciate that. What I miss the most is high quality affordable ethnic restaurants. There is a Thai spot in Brooklyn that’s ruined me for anything in the suburbs. Also fashion and people watching in the city is the best. So I’d say enjoy those while you can. And get some good weekend plans on the calendar for this summer!

   11. Why not rent in the burbs for a year then?

       1. I posted above about trying to make the most of it, but this is also good advice.

       2. OP here: One of us is finishing a grad school program that’s nights and weekends in the city (on top of a full time job). Commuting from the suburbs would be too much right now. We also have a long relationship with our landlord and can go month to month at the same price once we start house hunting.

          It’s interesting that so many people miss walkability. When I’m in the suburbs I love getting in a clean car and driving directly to my destination. I suppose that gets old when it’s your only option.

          1. Eh, I think you’re getting a lot of responses from people who love city life. And that’s fine! There are definite advantages. Personally, I’m pretty darn happy with my suburban-ish life and will validate that it can be difficult to feel stuck in a place when you’re mentally ready to move on to something else. I felt that way when we moved 12 years ago, and that was just 25 minutes across town! I could appreciate the advantages of where I was at, but I was also ready for a change.

          2. As a car hater and environmentalist, the labour of driving, vs just leaving my house for a quick walk is insurmountable. I’ve had an order for a fridge part ready for pick up at a suburban appliance store for a month and I just can not convince myself to go get it. But on my walk home from the office I am more than happy to make the 2 block detour to grab a few groceries.

          3. I posted above but my family was teasing me about this recently: I’m firmly a suburban mouse. To me, the country is absolutely frightening and the city is a hassle. I love the pace of suburban life. It’s not fashionable to like the suburbs but some people really do!

             I’ll add that my area has several small walkable villages so it’s not completely without charm and I do advocate for more mixed use development but I’m firmly more at home here than in the city. I hope you will be too!

   12. I’d honestly look at it as a “chance to practice being OK and peaceful even in a setting I wouldn’t choose” situation. Because you’re going to need that skill for the rest of your life. There are ALWAYS going to be seasons where — for some reason or the other — you’re dealing with something that can’t be changed right away. You don’t want it, but It’s not devastating or abusive, and it’s not a crisis or emergency, so you have to wait until the time is right to make the change.

       The more practice you have in learning how to be OK even in these times, the better off you’ll be!

       Gratitude, letting go of angst, using whatever you’ve learned about reducing anxiety, leaning in to what it possible / good, celebrating little wins and enjoyments, upping the dreaming and planning for the future . . . they can all help.

       1. Yes, I took this approach when I was deployed, unhappy, and ready to be home. The city is a much more enjoyable place to get to practice this mindset :)

       2. Putting all that effort into being okay in a harmful setting is still so much harder than being a good setting to begin with. I get your point, but I still wouldn’t choose to put myself in a miserable environment when I have a choice.

          1. Living in a city is hardly a harmful setting.

             1. I think it’s a dog whistle

          2. …what is harmful about staying in the city one more year?

   13. I vastly prefer surburban living in my metro area. I’m another vote for renting in the burbs until you can afford to buy. The homebuying process can take a while.

       1. Yeah, I honestly find it a whole lot easier. But, I also quickly tire of noise, people, traffic, and general hustle, so I think suburban living is just a better fit for my personality. Once our kids are out of the house, I would love to move out of town altogether. The older I get, the more I want peace and quiet.

   14. I think the grad school part makes it a suck it up situation. Grad school = lousy QOL, especially if you are also working.

   15. We moved to the burbs last year. I love the space and having our own yard, but miss my city condo so much sometimes. I also really miss my lifestyle where I could walk everywhere (stores, kids schools, etc). I can walk into town now but it’s a good 20 min and need a car to run nearly all errands and bring kids to school.

       Homes are money pits and so much more work to maintain. Enjoy all the extra money and free time while it lasts :)

       1. There are just so many more expenses with a house vs condo: yard maintenance/landscaping, pest control, MUCH higher utility bills, alarm system fees, more appliances/systems to break down/repair, exterior of home to maintain (siding, windows, roof, etc), need for a car or more than 1 car, the list goes on…

          1. Yeah, but in the suburbs you get to control your own heat and A/C even in an apartment and you don’t have to pay for parking.

9. I’m very out of the loop with wedding trends but yesterday i received a paperless post save the date for a November wedding that says invitation to follow…but also asks me to RSVP to the save the date by the end of May. I thought you typically rsvp once you receive the invitation? And not usually so far in advance. Is this a new thing?

   1. I wonder whether they are trying to save on paper invitations by only ordering enough for guests they think will RSVP yes?

   2. I’ve never seen an RSVP to a save the date. It would indicate to me that the couple wants to be able to send out invitations to another round of people if there are folks who definitely can’t come.

   3. It makes planning much easier to figure out your real numbers sooner.

   4. I have never heard of this!

   5. It’s unpopular but it’s new because guests can RSVP online without mailing back a card the couple sent them. The couple likes it at first because they can invite someone else once they get a decline. But it’s a pain later when people end up changing their response. Wait to RSVP until you get the official invitation.

      1. I’m happy to rsvp early if i have details, like time, where to stay, any other wedding events etc., but don’t get how i can rsvp with so much missing info (I’ll be coming from out of town)

         1. Does the couple have a wedding website with these details? Or can you reach out to the couple or a family member for this info? I don’t think I’d consider traveling for a wedding if I wasn’t close enough to the couple to just ask.

            1. no wedding website yet that i can tell.

   6. I have not heard of this. But when I got married 15 years ago, nearly everyone responded to our save the dates informally. It really does help with planning to have a general sense of numbers before 2-3 weeks before the wedding. (Traditionally, formal invitations were sent 6 weeks out, with 2-3 weeks to RSVP. But many weddings today have little resemblance to weddings of my parents’ generation.)

   7. Does the “RSVP” include a place where you put in your physical address?

      This is a technical/operations issue. What happens is that everyone puts their physical address into Greenvelope or similar. The couple can download a spreadsheet which they upload to minted or whatever for direct printing onto the wedding envelopes.

      Even if they are doing calligraphy, it ensures that they have everyone’s addresses in the same place.

      1. nope. literally asks how many people

   8. If I had to guess, it’s a way to save $$$ on not printing and mailing nice invitations to those who will decline. I’d decide if you want to go and be proactive about responding.

      1. that is super tacky. just dont mail any invites then

         1. But then people call you tacky for not having paper invites. You can’t win.

   9. I would guess they have family or friends traveling from far away and want to get invites and RSVPs out ASAP so those people can make reservations. And/or they figure it’s easier to RSVP online (and to send follow ups for anyone who delays) rather than mail back a card, track responses, and have to individually follow up with people who didn’t mail the card.

   10. I’m An Old, but this is weird to me. You dont RSVP to a save the date. And honestly, even if someone informally told me they have XYZ immoveable conflict with the date, I’d still send a wedding invite to them.

       If this is a way to get everyone’s physical address, it’s also wrong… if you ant to invite someone and don’t have their address, the way to fix that is to contact them and say, “I’d like to send you a wedding invitation, what’s your mailing address, please?”

   11. I am all for traditional wedding etiquette, but as the mother of a soon-to-be MOB, what’s with the judgment? Why do you care if it’s a new thing or not? Rsvp or don’t, go or don’t go, but don’t be the manners police. Save that for things that are truly tacky or offensive, like asking for the gift to be a minimum dollar value.

       1. *Mother of a soon-to-be-bride.

       2. I was just wondering if I’m missing something. There is no wedding website, I’d be coming from out of town and I know I’m not the only out of town guest. No info on where to stay, timing, other events etc. the wedding is on a Sunday. This is necessary info for travel planning, budgeting etc. How can I commit to attending an event that requires a 4 hour flight + hotel stay without that info

          1. I’m with you, if the couple wants a head start on estimating their headcount based on responses to save the dates, fine. A little odd to outright request it vs. letting the save the dates do what they usually do, which is most people give you a text that says omg can’t wait will be there! or say nothing in which case they’re likely a no… but fine.

             But they need to share some basics with the guests in order for that to work!

          2. Okay, but it’s not really. You know the date and the city, so presumably you know the airport. Do you need to know the time of the wedding? Isn’t it pretty safe to assume you need to be on the ground by noon and will not be able to fly out until the next day? What more do you really need at this point? If an invitation or save the date is not greeted with an, “Oh, how lovely, Suzy and Joe are getting married,” then you don’t need to go.

             1. i need to know if i have to fly in the day before or flying in that day might work, if the wedding ends super late at night, i might not want to take a flight at 7am on Monday. I’ve been invited to a few brunch weddings; how do I know if this is that or an evening wedding? if it’s a brunch wedding i dont need to take PTO. i have kids, how can i plan childcare for them? and yes, i would need to ask my in-laws this far in advance to watch them. I know people say an invitation is not a summons, but it is my cousin’s wedding and i will be expected to attend. again, i dont take issue with wanting the early response (i actually love to plan far in advance!), but if you aren’t prepared with the details yet (which is totally fine!), then i think it is a bit strange to ask for an RSVP.

          3. This is a weird request if they don’t have a website and didn’t provide details in the save the date. Before committing I need to know how expensive the hotel block is, whether they’re providing shuttles or I’ll need to pay for a rental car, if there’s a welcome event that requires an extra day of PTO, if there’s a weird dress code that means I’ll need to buy a new outfit…

          4. Maybe with a lot of out of town guests, they are just looking for a good faith response. Maybe they just need to know if 200 of their friends will try to be there or if 75 will likely show.

10. My kid is considering joining the Coast Guard, which I’m all for. My only concern is obviously the administration – I work (as a civilian) for a different component of DHS and obviously things are quite stressful right now; I know the Coast Guard is not immune from that (and neither are military branches in DOD, but DHS is particularly stressful right now).

    I feel for my kid – he’s 18, graduating high school soon, and wants to make progress towards his future and his goals. He’s done a ton of research (looking into college vs. the military, branches of the military, types of college, potential career paths) and has landed on enlisting in the Coast Guard and then now there’s all of this uncertainty in the world about the future of our country (I feel for all young people trying to figure out their path in these times).

    Obviously, he’s an adult and he’s going to do what he’s going to do, but since I work in a related field he has asked for my input. I want him to be as informed as possible when he makes his decision. I’m proud of how much thought he’s put into this (about a years’ worth) and want to be able to best support him.

    1. With how the administration seems to be handling foreign policy, I’d be concerned about a child joining a DOD military branch (but then again, what mother isn’t worried about that no matter who is in charge… it just seems more precarious now), but I don’t have that same fear of the USCG. USCG has always seemed the “best of both worlds” to me – military benefits and sense of service, but safer and a more manageable lifestyle.

       1. he should at least speak to some people currently in the coast guard

       2. I would be cautious about the coast guard given all the rhetoric escalation regarding Canada and the amount of coastline that involves.

          1. In my understanding, the CG only defends it does not attack, even in times of war. If we end up in an actual war against Canada, we all will have massive problems and being in the Coast Guard is probably not much worse than being a normal civilian without power because Canada has cut off its supply.

             1. But would defence look like long periods at sea blockading goods etc?

                CG is a great choice in normal times but these are not normal times. US AID was just shut down in its entirety in a matter of weeks. Not sure I would rely on defend but not attack based on past CG role.

             2. Yes, these are not normal times but I also don’t think it’s worth putting off plans until we get normal times. There’s always going to be something.

                Whatever happens foreign policy wise may make the USCG less fun, but probably not significantly more dangerous (depending on rate, of course). But if it’s going to set him up for the future (GI bill money, job experience, preferential hiring as a veteran) I see not waiting 4 years.

          2. We’re a public service family through and through – neither my husband nor I have worked in the private sector during our kids’ lives (we both had 2-3 year stints in our 20s and hated it) and he was in the Army but well before our son was born (this was before we met!).

             That all being said, I’m proud that my son is interested in public service. We didn’t specifically raise our kids to want to follow into public service, but our household was big on service above self and clearly it’s rubbed off.

             We’ve also both put our family in perfectly fine but inconvenient situations as a result of our public service – for example, I’ve deployed as a civilian for 2-3 month spurts several times, there was a time we thought my husband might be called up via IRR. We’ve been clear that at times we have to go do things we don’t want to do or don’t like doing because it’s our duty to help. I can’t imagine the hypocrisy of saying we can do this, but you should not.

             Likewise with college, my husband enlisted out of high school, did 4 years, and then went to college (and eventually grad school) on the GI bill. We’ve been open that that was the best financial choice for him at the time, but it also helped our family financially down the road. Obviously, financials aren’t the end all be all, but it’s something to consider as it does impact your life right now and down the road (we can’t cover college outright so if he goes now he’ll have loans).

             1. I would have thought not supporting attacks on countries which have been our allies for decades and who are not threatening us in any way isn’t exactly hypocritical. But your view certainly gives me insight into how we are where we are.

             2. Firstly, no one in our family at all supports anything this administration is doing at all. We are very liberal. I don’t support antagonizing allies either via trade wars or the rhetoric. I don’t support the president’s treatment of allies, especially Ukraine, or of NATO. I’m horrified. Both my husband and I have committed our lives to the safety and security of our country and our citizens as individuals, and also those around the world.

                But, this is not the first time nor will it be the last time that members of our military and our government keep doing their jobs even if they don’t support leadership. Our duty is, was, and always will be to the American people and the Constitution – that is the oath we take.

                I meant that it’d be hypocritical of my husband to be a veteran and me to have spent time in some pretty dangerous situations away from my family for long periods of time in the name of service to then tell our son he cannot do the same.

                I strongly believe that every individual has an obligation to “do their part” to make their community and the world a better place. Honestly, it’s why I didn’t join the military myself – I had no interest in being in what I saw as an unjust, BS Middle East war. So, I’ve done my part other ways – working overseas for USAID and domestically for DHS. Deploying with FEMA for disaster relief. Being involved in my community as a volunteer. My husband did it in the military (he joined pre-9/11 and didn’t re-up because he too disagreed with Iraq), as a teacher, and as a volunteer firefighter.

                In fact, when we had kids people were shocked that my husband would keep being a volunteer firefighter due to both the potential danger and the busy schedule. His take was why WOULDN’T he? Having kids made his dedication to the FD only stronger – he felt like he had more skin in the game to keep our community safe since that community now involved our children. His take was that if you want the benefits of fire and EMS services, you should be part of the providing that (…a whole separate issue is the reliance on volunteer companies but that’s neither here nor there).

                It’s actually been devastating for our family to see our country so quickly become the bad guy. Even when our country was doing things I really disagreed with, like Iraq, there was still lots of good that our country was doing too, so I could get behind that. Now it’s just all bad and I don’t know the right approach. I thought about resigning in January, worried that I’d be “complicit” but was talked into staying so that I can keep doing my best to protect and serve Americans (until I’m RIF’d). Basically, as long as I’m in the job I know I’m dedicated, capable, and will do it well and treat any member of the public well and with respect – if I’m replaced that can’t be guaranteed. So it’s also hypocritical of me to decide to stay and be the good in my department and keep doing my agency’s good work and to tell my son to not do the same.

             3. It’s wild that you have been in military and civilian public service for years and view supporting this administration as not hypocritical to everything you have worked your life for.

                I’ll make sure to let my cousin who served the Canadian military in Afghanistan and is missing his right forearm know how much his service is not valued or appreciated such that threatening to invade Canada is not an issue as long as it makes college cheaper.

                If you join the military under this administration then you are supporting it. Period. They cannot do half of what they are threatening whether it is Canada, Panama or Greenland without a strong military force.

                This is not normal.

             4. I think this administration is anti-American, corrupt, immoral, and illegal. I hate what’s been done to our country, our citizens, and those we were serving who are not Americans (I used to work for USAID).

                I don’t think serving one’s country, either as a civilian or in the military, means supporting the administration. Anyone who has worked in government or served in the military knows that the oath is to the Constitution, not to the president. We are here to serve the citizens, not the oligarchs.

                The military needs members who will stand up against illegal orders. Obviously my son being a E-1 will not be in that position, but others will be.

                Having a committed workforce, both civilian and military, is a bulwark against this administration’s illegal, unethical, and immoral actions. If all of the “good” people leave, then who is left? The people who will do his bidding.

    2. He should go to college.

       1. Yep.

       2. Part of his plan is to use the GI Bill to pay for college. Maybe he’d stay in the Coast Guard after getting his degree and pursue OCS or maybe he’d get out for good.

          We’re a dual government family, so we’ve been able to save for college but not as aggressively as others. We have about 100k in his college fund, in state tuition + room and board for 4 years is about 150k, which would likely need to come from loans. He’s not sure what he wants to study and doesn’t want to “waste” money figuring it out (his words). He doesn’t want to do community college and frankly isn’t big on the idea of staying in state for college either. He looked at the Coast Guard Academy but decided against applying. No ROTC option for Coast Guard.

          1. No ROTC, but maybe CG reserves while in college?

          2. Has he looked at mid-level private colleges that offer generous financial aid? My daughter’s college guarantees non-loan aid that makes the total cost about $35K/year for families earning under $250K with “average” savings, and good students from families with higher incomes can get about that much in merit aid. You should be able to cash-flow some additional contributions to his college expenses: the amount you are currently directing to college savings, plus what you save by not having him living at home (car insurance, sports and activity expenses, groceries, meals out, family outings, etc.–it adds up!). That could easily cover most of the gap between your savings and the total cost.

             We are also in a state with high in-state tuition, and private college with merit aid turned out to be cheaper than public.

             A year ago the GI Bill plan would have been a solid one. I attended grad school and law school with several students on various military plans and most were quite mature and focused and did very well. In general I think older students with some life experience tend to do better. But I wouldn’t trust the government to keep any promises right now.

             1. We’ve talked about this as an option – I too went to a private college that was cheaper than going in-state due to merit and financial aid and was a more selective college / has a better reputation than our flagship. Our non-flagship public universities are not good and I do not want him going there.

                He’s not big on going to college right now. He says he definitely wants to go, but doesn’t feel ready yet. He doesn’t know what he wants to study or do for a career, thinks he’ll need more structure than college can offer, and wants to get away to a new environment (hence not being big on starting at community college or even our state school – yes, it’s 4 hours away and massive, but also half of his high school goes there).

                It’s pretty amazing watching a teenager be so mature and think this all through. I went to college because that’s what everyone did (I think I would have benefitted from a gap year of some sort). Speaking of other gap years, we also discussed Americorps but his take on that is if he’s going to work long hours in crappy conditions for low pay he might as well get the GI bill at the end of it (and I can’t fault that).

                I very much agree with your concern about the government to not keep any promises right now. That’s the basis of my concern – I’m a current fed and I’m seeing people get screwed over left and right. Usually the USCG doesn’t get paid during a government shut down, I don’t trust the viability of any non-immigration DHS mission (yes, USCG does some immigration interdiction, but it’s not immigration focused the way ICE is), and I don’t trust how they’re treating service members and vets. Way more concerned about all of this than him being in harm’s way.

             2. Admittedly I’m not close to any current CG members, but my understanding is that they have a significant smuggling interdiction mission beyond just immigration. That seems likely to be an administration priority.

             3. It sounds like he has really thought this through and come up with a plan that will serve him well if the government holds up its end of the bargain. I would talk through the risks with him, as well as what support you can offer if things go wrong. For example, if the GI bill funding never materializes, will the college money still be there, or will it have gone to a sibling? Can he move back home if necessary? What will he do if he is prohibited from getting routine vaccinations? Etc.

                FWIW, in my early twenties I strongly considered OCS in a different branch of the service but ultimately decided it wasn’t worth the risk. I was concerned that I would quit my job and give up my apartment, then get injured during OCS, wash out, and have nowhere to go because my parents had recently lost their home. If you can reassure him that you will be there as a landing place if somethig goes wrong, that may help a lot.

       3. If a kid isn’t interested or ready for college (or interested in a career that requires college), then I don’t think they should go. I think learning for the sake of learning is very valuable (can you tell I’m the product of a liberal arts education?), but that can come in many forms – it doesn’t have to be formal education (or, it can come via formal education later in life).

          I think more middle, upper middle, and upper class kids should be encouraged to explore options that aren’t “directly to a 4 year college” unless that’s something that the kid genuinely wants. So long as there’s a plan (military, trade school, “productive” gap year). Most people will end up better off taking a non-college path with a plan rather than being a general business major at Kutztown University…

          1. I couldn’t agree with this more. I went to college for a year, realized I didn’t know what I was doing there (despite having excellent grades, just no direction) and enlisted in the military instead. Best choice I could have made, and it was 2002, so I was fairly certain deployments were in my future. I talked to all my veteran relatives and parents’ friends and decided on the Air Force. I’m very glad neither of my parents tried to talk me out of that path, because their support and approval meant a lot to me.

             Good for your son for doing his research and having a plan. I totally understand your concerns as a parent, but I think his asking for “input” doesn’t mean he wants to be talked out of it, it means he wants your approval and to know that you have faith in his judgement. At most, I would ask him what he thinks might change for the coast guard under the current administration. I would encourage him to connect with current CG members (non-recruiters) and talk to them about any changes they’ve seen so far or anticipate. But mostly, I would stick with the messaging you’ve already given: I’m proud of you for wanting to serve, and for putting so much thought into this decision.

             1. Yeah, his asking for input is not looking to be talked out of it, but rather asking us (I work for DHS, his dad is a vet) what we think the USCG is going to look like in the next 4 years so he can make an informed decision. Unfortunately, I don’t have a crystal ball.

                My DH didn’t go to college til after the military, I went right to college but it was probably not the right choice, my brother went right to college, wasn’t ready, dropped out after a year, worked and went to CC at night and then got his BS (also night school) at 25.

                I’m very supportive of him not going straight to college. I’m very supportive of him enlisting. Basically as long as he has a plan, can support himself, and is happy I’ll be happy. Last year, I was gung ho on his plan to enlist but I don’t want him to “screwed over” by the current administration – not in the “what if we go to war?” aspect (though, as a mother of course I want him to be safe!) but I want him to have access to the programs, training, and benefits he thinks he’ll have access to – unfortunately, I don’t trust this administration as far as I can throw it.

             2. I don’t trust this administration either, but with the notable exceptions of the Vietnam era and, to a lesser extent the Iraq era (I remember being told “we hate the war, but still support the troops” when I served during that time), generations of US citizenry have been very supportive of the military, and the CG (to a lesser extent, just because of less visibility). The MAGA base is very supportive of the military. I think a lot of the broken promises right now are for federal employees, because they’re easy to vilify as far cat bureaucrats to the MAGA base. I am not sure it’s politically feasible for the administration to screw over the armed services too much. Active duty service members will still get training, because they need it to do their mission. I could see the post-9/11 GI bill being pared back more to MGIB level, but I would be shocked if servicemembers’ education benefits were severely cut.

             3. This is very helpful, thank you. I’m obviously on the civilian side, so promises are being broken constantly and there’s no job security, but you’re right that it’s different for the military.

                … then again, there are people up thread who seem to treat current military members the way that they were treated during Vietnam

             4. I had a longer comment that I think got lost, but basically I would be shocked if the administration screwed over the armed services too much. Service members still need training to do their mission. Fully rescinding education benefits like the GI Bill seems politically infeasible given the MAGA base’s support for the military. And even beyond MAGA, the armed services (including CG, though to a lesser extent because less visibility) have enjoyed broad support for generations, aside from during Vietnam. The horrible anti-DEI and anti-tr-ns moves in DOD are awful on an individual level, but I doesn’t seem likely the administration will broadly mess with servicemembers and their benefits. (unless there’s a RIF, but those usually come with decent tr-nsition assistance)

             5. ha, nope there it is. went through as my phone abruptly shut itself down!

             6. The MAGA base is supportive of the military? Except for those “DEI hires” at the top that Trump just canned, endangering all of our safety, and the Vet programs he is gutting, right?

                MAGA supports Trump and anything that sounds like a dog whistle, period. They also supposedly supported police, until Jan 6.

             7. Sigh. The MAGA base certainly doesn’t understand the strategic advantage of diverse military leadership, but being in favor of kicking an uppity woman or a terrible man who supported the BLM movement (sarcasm, in case that’s not clear) is very different than being in favor of pulling the rug out from under all the nice corn-fed white boys who signed up to Protect Our Freedoms.

       4. Even if he doesn’t want to? Or doesn’t think he’s ready or doesn’t know what he wants to study?

    3. One of the best things my parents ever said to me was when I was looking for jobs in my early 20s and asking their advice. I was going through all the details of doing this or doing that and they finally said, “look, you’re the one doing these things and we trust your judgment as to what makes sense for you to do.” Honestly, they had always been up in my business about these kinds of things. If he’s done the research and this is what he wants to do, tell him you love him and support him in this decision.

       Especially with the military, you just never know what kind of administration or conflict you’ll have in a few months or a few years.

    4. I’m shocked that people here don’t seem to think that you can had the administration but still work in government. If everyone who hates him leaves, then who is left? Their lackeys…

       1. Yeah I’m really saddened by some of those comments

          1. Me, too. Don’t you want good, non-corrupt people in the government at this very precarious time? Some of these posters will cut off their nose to spite their face, I swear.

       2. Exactly… it is difficult, and admirable, to stay in a place that misaligns strongly with your values and to “fight the good fight” from within. A lot of change comes from without, of course, but if no one but the loyalists stay, then all who remain are the loyalists.

          1. It’s admirable to figuratively “fight the good fight.” When you are talking about the armed services who actually k ill people with weapons on the orders of the commander in chief, it very easily could be “fighting the bad fight”

             1. Let me clarify, because that sounded flippant: I am glad people with a stronger constitution than I are in our armed forces to mount a resistance, if possible. But I’m not sending my own child into the armed forces right now, at a junior level, to take orders from a mad man

             2. Not that the Coast Guard is without danger and yes, the CG can fight in war, but MOST of what the CG does is search and rescue (of civilian boaters), environmental compliance and enforcement, emergency management, and other non-combat or LE missions. Yes, there is an LE component of the USCG that does counter-drug trafficking and counter-migrant trafficking. Yes, the USCG is there to defend the country from an adversary. But, a lot of what it does is closer to FEMA or the EPA than the military.

             3. Most of what the USCG historically did. Which may or may not be what it is assigned to do in the future.

    5. OP, it sounds like you’re an amazing family with a great kid. Just wanted to say that.

11. After pressure from constituents, our GOP congressman held a telephone town hall last night. Those who wanted to attend were told to register in advance and they would receive the phone number by email right before the town hall. None of us who registered received the phone number. Someone in our FB group eventually tracked down the phone number from the local GOP FB page. We all joined late and nearly all people who got to ask questions were old white men who fawned over him. At the end they took a phone poll and 70% of people said they disapproved of DOGE, so that shows who was actually on the call despite who got to ask questions.

    1. Even the Fox News comments section is starting to turn (okay, like 5% of comments but that is better than it was a week ago!) Anyone who is not completely delusional is starting to realize this is a bad, bad path…

    2. Now you know I guess, someone camp out on the GOP FB page.

    3. Rep. McClintock (R) in CA is dodging his scheduled town halls, like literally no showing, because his district includes Yosemite and constituents are pissed about national park staff and forest service staff being cut. Coward.

    4. Our local Republican rep in our Midwestern, deeply red state sends his staff to town halls instead of going himself. Obviously, we are in one of only a handful of blue counties. Staff can’t answer any questions.

12. I’m processing some feelings and wonder if anyone else has gone through this. DH and I have been married for 4 years. He was super hands off about the wedding and honeymoon. He’s also been hands off about vacation planning and optional home maintenance/ renovation/decorating. When I need his input, he procrastinates. He says he’s just not good at planning. I’ve accepted my role as the planner of the relationship, but at times I feel hurt that he doesn’t share my excitement about this stuff. He is a great partner in other ways, he’s definitely the workhorse of our relationship. I’m grateful that he takes care of things both big and small that I would procrastinate on (like the fridge light, smoke detector batteries), and he does day to day stuff like tidy up, cook, grocery shop. We have a good division of physical v mental labor.

    I’m about 20 weeks pregnant. DH has been amazing about taking care of me and the baby. He is even planning ahead for taking care of me postpartum; he’s been looking up cooling undies, witch hazel pads, all kinds of things I haven’t even heard of. He’s signed up for giveaways, looking into benefits he can access (he’s a veteran), threw himself into the nursery reno – which is completely finished already – and is ordering extra baby shower invites so he can send them to companies and politicians to get congrats cards/maybe free stuff.

    I had wanted to send a wedding invite to the White House (Biden) and DH said no that’s dumb, so I didn’t do it. So to see him now wanting to send baby shower invites to the head of his branch of the military… invites comparison. Don’t get me wrong, I’m super happy he’s so excited. But all this time I thought he “couldn’t” do this type of planning/research but it turns out he could, he just didn’t want to. I can’t help but feel a little sad about that. I really want to just set that aside and lean into the happy baby feelings but I’m struggling. I don’t feel like I can bring it up to him because I don’t want to seem critical of his excitement for the baby. Anyone else go through this?

    1. Let it goooooooo. He’s stepping up and doing what you want. And don’t invite the military to your baby shower that’s insane and weird.

       1. I’m sure it just gets a stock congratulatory letter from the military. Maybe dad thinks it’d be a nice keepsake if the kid decides to follow his path into that branch.

       2. I don’t think she was asking for opinions on who to send invites to. It doesn’t affect you.

    2. I think sending baby announcements to people you don’t know is extremely weird.

    3. If it were me, I would absolutely not bring this up to him, and just lean into the happiness of the baby planning.

    4. It’s super weird and tacky to send baby shower invites to companies and politicians. Don’t do that.

       1. This. I’m sure this isn’t actually the weirdest thing I’ve read on this board, but it’s definitely the weirdest “I can’t believe people actually do this and think it’s normal” thing I’ve read on here. I would be completely freaked out if my husband started acting like this, as it’s a weird combination of grifter and being scary overprotective.

          1. This is a super weird take. I’d never send an invite to the White House or the military, but people do do it. It just gets you a letter saying congrats. I could see how for a veteran it’d be quite sentimental to do for his new baby. He’s not grifting for a gift or money, they just send a card.

             Not sure what about this reads as overprotective either.

             1. She literally said they want to get gifts and that is tacky. A congratulations letter is also weird — the baby isn’t even born yet!

             2. She said they’re trying to get free stuff! And I meant the overprotective part about looking up cooling undies and witch hazel pads and postpartum care. This obviously varies from person to person, but I have my own preferences about clothing and toiletries and don’t like it when other people try to take over telling me what things I need because I’ll be so broken and vulnerable. Advice from someone who had actually given birth and used those products would be different, of course.

             3. As someone whose husband also just went and researched a bunch of postpartum stuff for me, this was not overprotective, this is a man being nurturing!
                It’s not weird when it’s your life partner looking out for you and helping with birth in one of the few ways he can.
                OP, I take this behavior as a good sign that he’s reading up on parenthood and getting started. If you had to pick between someone who turns planner for a single day event (wedding) vs for a lifetime of nurturing a child together… it’s a no-brainer. Take the W.
                Congrats on your impending new arrival :)

          2. Eh I didn’t do it but it was pretty standard when I got married 20 years ago to send an invite to the White House, especially if you liked the president. No president feels obligated to come, they just send a form congratulations letter that’s a nice keepsake for the couple.

          3. Agree. This is definitely the weirdest thing I’ve read here that some folks are trying to defend. Sending announcement to organizations. you don’t know sounds like a disrespect of their staff’s time at the least and grifty at the best. Ick.

       2. Don’t be an ahole.

       3. I guess I didn’t explain it well based on comments here, but he wants to send something to a couple of politicians with the idea that they will send a congratulatory card.

          He also read somewhere that you can send a letter/invite (?) to places like Gerber and they’ll send you a little sample pack. So he’s not hoping for gifts from our registry from any of these recipients, he’s hoping for like a sample of mooshed carrots or whatever.

          1. I’m sorry but what? Why would anyone make any effort for a sample of carrots? There’s something weird going on in his head. Is he worried about finances? Obv a sample of carrots won’t help anyone’s actual budget, but if he’s got money anxiety, maybe try working on that.

             1. You all seriously need to chill.

             2. It’s obviously just for fun. It’s not my family’s tradition, but lots of companies have promotions surrounding new babies. Heck the company I buy pet food from does promotions for new pets.

             3. My insta Reels served me up some chick that was posting her ‘haul’ of free stuff from having sent baby shower invitations to Gerber, Pampers, Honest Co, etc. I could not tap ‘not interested’ fast enough, but it is definitely a thing in the world, for better or, IMHO, for worse!

          2. Getting free samples of baby stuff from companies is a thing, but you don’t need to send the company cards- you can usually just sign up on their websites or at a local baby store or what not.
             And usually it’s formula, te baby companies are VERY eager to get your info.

    5. To be honest, I had these types of reactions when I was depressed and didn’t realize it.

    6. “I feel hurt that he doesn’t share my excitement about this stuff.”
       It sounds like it’s really important to you that he “feels” excitement and expresses it in a way that matches how you approach these things? I don’t know what to do about the mismatch between how you plan for and feel about things, and how he does/doesn’t plan for and feel. But I do look ahead and see lots of opportunities in your future as a couple and as parents for him not to get excited in a way that feels good to you, and you to feel hurt/sad (and probably eventually resentful). At some point, you may want an outside sounding board (yes, therapist) to help you guys understand how to communicate/cooperate around this mismatch in personality.

    7. He’s a veteran, so I can see how his branch of the military feels familiar and like a more natural fit to send an invite than to the White House. I would let it go.

       But personally I think sending invites all over hither and yon to people who you don’t know and would never attend is pretty weird. You can’t really want free junk and bits of paper that you’ll stick in a folder for the next 50 years, right? As a mom of four who very much loves the instititions of marriage and parenthood, these things are only important to you and your very nearest and dearest. Put your focus there.

       1. I agree that it’s weird. Also agree w/ upthread, talk with your dr about possible prepartum depression.

    8. Honestly it was super weird for you to want to send a wedding invite to the White House and it’s super weird for him to do that now. He’s being amazing in every other away so let it go, and both of you need to stop with the dumb invites. He doesn’t plan the vacations and the home decorations because he doesn’t care about those things. He cares about the baby which is why he is excited and planning.

    9. He’s more excited about planning for your future child than a wedding. I … don’t think that’s an unforgivable sin. If it extends to other things, maybe it’s worth a conversation. But it’s not unusual for married partners to get excited about different things.

       I can’t wrap my head around the hurt surrounding these invites because that is just very bizarre to me. Like … why?

       1. I’m regretting mentioning the invites thing, it seems to have derailed the conversation! It’s not about invites. I’m a little sad about the lack of excitement and effort about other big milestones. I had brushed that aside because I thought it just wasn’t his skillset or personality. But now with his excitement about the baby, I’m seeing that he was capable of planning and researching and generally expressing excitement-by-doing, he just didn’t want to do those things in the past.

          1. Set this planning thing aside. Do you actually have any concerns that he wasn’t excited about your wedding, or house renos based on anything other than lack of planning? I don’t think human behavior is as black and white as can plan v. can’t plan, or will plan if excited and won’t plan if not excited.

             For whatever reason, he’s planning now, and I think it’s great. Maybe he’s discovering this ability he didn’t realize he had. Maybe he’s really making a huge effort because this is so important. Maybe for whatever reason planning for this is somehow easier than planning a wedding. (For example, I am great at research and terrible at calling people, responding to emails, plotting out logistics.) Maybe it’s easier for him when he takes a leadership/ownership role versus giving input.

             I wouldn’t torture yourself over this. I hope you can focus on the positive.

             1. I think this is a good point. You guys are using one word, “planning” for all this activity, as if there is one thing called planning that you’re either good at or not. But is that what’s really happening?

                I personally dislike thinking about events, tracking down vendors, booking locations, deciding on food, etc., so the wedding planning would leave me cold, no matter how excited I was about getting married, going to a party, and being married.

                I also really enjoy traveling, but again, I dislike making reservations, booking flights, figuring out itineraries, mapping out routes, so planning a honeymoon or vacation is not my jam. I do it, but I have to make myself work on it, even if I’m really excited about the trip. I’ll do all the research to learn about a location’s history, and watch all the YouTube videos about travelers who have been there before. I love learning, and tracking down fun details about history. But booking flights and tour guides, and figuring out what hotel to book for how many nights? Bleh.

                On renovations and decor, I LOVE thinking about how things look and getting creative with decor, but again, I dislike talking to contractors, looking up pricing, making decisions, and doing the purchasing. Bleh.

                So I’d set aside the conversation about generic “planning” and look at different verbs that relate to what the two of you are literally you’re doing. Maybe you’re good at making purchasing decisions, comparing factors, finding vendors, getting bids, etc. Maybe he’s good at implementing, tracking routine processes, noticing concrete details, and researching concrete needs. You guys are probably a really good fit, and you probably express your excitement in complementary ways.

          2. I say this gently — let it go. I get your feelings; you’d worked out your disappointment about his apathy about wedding planning only to discover that the way you’d worked it out isn’t true.

             But you’re in this together. Maybe it’s about the excitement of a baby. Maybe he’s changed a bit in the last couple of years. Whatever the reason, find a way to be happy and grateful about his participation now and let go of the disappointment. You’re going to be a mom! Congratulations!

    10. I would count yourself lucky that your husband doesn’t interfere with your planning and decorating and running of the household.

        1. I would be happy to have a husband who helps with the researching and planning of anything! Mine is completely interested in any of it: wedding, home, vacation, child planning. He contributes to other things (financially, domestic labor, car maintenance, etc), so it’s fine… but just be happy he’s excited and wants to be involved! Honestly, a baby coming into your life is a WAY bigger deal than a wedding. We got married at city hall, so to me weddings (aka parties) aren’t important, the life-long marriage commitment is what’s important.

    11. The invites are perfectly common and not the point here. My nephew sent a letter to the White House when he became an Eagle Scout – and was told to do so by a lot of people.

        I guess he’s excited about the baby but not as much about those other things. Depression doesn’t quite make sense because he was depressed until it came to the baby? That’s good I guess. It is definitely good that he is this excited and invested in both the baby and how you will feel post-childbirth.

        Honestly, do you think he cares/appreciates vacations or home decor? Would he mind if you never went on vacations and if his house looked like a bachelor pad?

    12. I think it would help to reframe this. If he’s hands off it means you get to pick exactly what you want and he forfeits the right to complain. No participation means no opinion. I’ve found the extra effort to research and plan is easier than arguing over couch fabric or the amenities of a particular hotel. Having an involved coparent is more valuable than someone who appreciates the paint color you selected. In the long run these contributions will make your life easier.

        1. This.

        2. 100%!

    13. I understand where you’re coming from. If I were you and i mentioned this to my husband he’d probably reflect on what I said and explain how the baby and the wedding felt different. I’m concerned that you’d think he would react as if you’re criticizing him. There are lots of perfectly understandable reasons why he sees these things differently. For instance, he could feel like parenthood is a challenge he’s preparing for whereas he could have seen the wedding as a formal party and etiquette minefield he’d rather avoid making decisions about. I have talked to my own husband about this and he thought the wedding was nbd because: 1. He thought of our partnership as a done deal by the time he proposed 2. The thought of his complicated family in one room made him nervous.

        All this is to say , I’m confused as why you don’t have the kind of relationship where you can bring this up.

        1. +1 to all this. Seems more like a communication and assumptions issue first, and a personality mismatch secondarily.

    14. I disagree with the others. He values the baby (his DNA, an offshoot of himself) much more than he values OP. I completely get where she’s coming from. OP, you are not wrong to feel sad that your value is less than his child to him.

        1. Also, I’d be concerned he’d interfere with decisions that should be OP’s when it comes to the baby (insisting on no formula or prolonged bfing, for example even if that’s not her choice).

           1. This is a real danger with even otherwise very liberal husbands who have been brainwashed by the BFing industrial complex. Mine was.

        2. I don’t see that. It sounds like he does all kinds of things to take care of OP and their house, but is not excited by wedding planning, vacation planning, or home decorating. He is excited about having a baby. Very excited. This is not a sin. OP, I think you can tell him how you feel, keeping in mind that not everyone would feel the way you do, in the hopes that it will give him an opportunity to understand you better and offer some reassurance. But also, are there things he’s more excited about than you are? I’m guessing there are. It is totally normal for couples to have different levels of excitement about things, even things related to their relationship and partnership.

        3. I see it totally the opposite way. He values his baby and OP’s wellbeing and is willing to do more work that directly promotes their wellbeing than he is for a house renovation, or a party (which, let’s be real, is how many men view weddings).

        4. He’s researching *postpartum* stuff for OP. That’s him showing up for her, not just the baby. He’s showing that he values her health and comfort. It’s actually pretty damn sweet because many men would not be out researching what witch hazel pads will make your perineum feel better.

           1. He values the part of her that allows her to have sex and make babies. I know that’s not a very charitable interpretation, it just really jumped out at me.

        5. Yeah…..this is what I sense you (OP) are picking up on.

    15. Let it go, he’s growing up/maturing. Let him do the work!

        1. Yes this!! I can’t believe no one has said this yet. People grow and change! This guy is stepping up into his role, that’s great. I was a bit of a selfish brat when I was getting married too…because I was young and dumb. Then you have a life event that changes you, like having babies, and you get smarter.

    16. It sounds like your husband is being super supportive and involved. Honestly it’s hard to even follow the logic about why you are resentful, comparing this situation to your wedding plans.

        I think there’s a subconscious tendency to want to control our partner’s behavior. Like, why aren’t you thinking and feeling and acting exactly the way I would if I were you? Let it go. Let him be himself. Focus on the positives.

    17. You remind me so much of pregnant me. I hate to dismiss anyone’s concerns and say “it’s just hormones,” and that certainly wouldn’t have landed well with me at the time.

        But. But. It’s just hormones. I ruminated so much when I was pregnant. I got fixated on stuff that had happened years before with my husband and even cried about it.

        In hindsight, and once I gave birth and got through the “baby blues” hormone fluctuations post partum, I entirely stopped worrying about those things that had seemed so important to me in pregnancy. I can even think back to them and honestly wonder why I ever fixated on them.

        Let it go, mama. You can’t go back in time and get him excited about planning vacations or whatever. Enjoy your pregnancy and your final days of being just a couple!

    18. When someone finally changes and does what you want them to do, don’t be angry about it.

13. I’m looking for relaxed fit workout tops. I’m in my mid-40s with a stomach that has more squish than it used to / than I’d like, and I’m feeling very self-conscious in the tops that used to work great for me, like the Athleta momentum. The Lulu swiftly relaxed fit looks great, but I’d like to have a few short-sleeve options, too. I hate anything cropped (long torso, it just looks weird and like I don’t know how to pick clothes that fit).

    1. I have found pilates to be transformative for my abs. Way better than other core exercises to tighten things up. Can’t believe it took 30 years to learn that…

    2. Under Armour “tech” tees

    3. I like Nike Dri-Fit tees. They carry these at Dick’s. Looking online, it looks like there may be some similar options from Under Armour, as well.

    4. Athleta has a lot of great styles for this. I even wore some of them early in pregnancy and you couldn’t see a bump. If you generally like their clothes then look at the tops that aren’t skin tight on the model.

       1. Yes! Athleta’s With Ease line that has short sleeve options.

14. Fun question with a deeper context:

    What new things are you learning as an adult, or have you learned only later in life (vs. as a child)?

    I grew up in a family that emphasized doing stuff that you’re “talented” for, which meant that I played an instrument for decades, and my sibling was “the art kid”. No one ever suggested trying out new things, whether it was learning a new instrument, art class, sports class, or other hobby. It seemed that you either “had talent” or not, as if this was a genetic trait and when you didn’t have it, not worth trying anything.

    I have realized that there are so many things you can still learn as an adult, and that maybe a natural ability/inclination accounts for 5-10% of success, when the rest comes from structured and regular practice! Will I ever be an Olympian or do sports competitively? No, but I can enjoy different sports. Will I be a professional musician or painter? No, but I still can get to a good level of proficiency!

    But even today my family frames my and my kids’ achievements as “you are such a good XYZ”, when I try to move on from this mindset towards “We can try to learn all kinds of new things, and with practice, we’ll reach a decent level.”

    So, since I moved away from home 20+ years ago, I have learned:
    – a martial arts discipline to medium belt-level
    – properly swimming, doing 40-50 laps with different techniques
    – multiple languages at the touristy level, including Japanese and Chinese (admittedly, Duolingo helps)
    – doing an art class right now and I’m actually enjoying it and creating something beautiful

    1. I’m planning to take a whitewater kayaking clinic next year. I’d do it this year, but a few postpartum complications have me taking it easy. I’m a huge believer in trying new things, including risky things, in adulthood. The level of insane focus and simultaneous peace you get while paddling through a rapid is unreal.

       1. Oh, and I want to learn how to play tennis. My town has lessons, luckily.

    2. I love this!

       I have a bachelor’s degree in music performance on an instrument from a highly competitive music school. I quit music at graduation because I needed a steady job with health insurance and didn’t have the time available to practice enough to maintain my skills. I eventually got two graduate degrees in a completely unrelated field. 20 years later I joined an all-volunteer church choir and discovered that singing is fun and provides far more performance opportunities for a skilled adult amateur than playing an orchestral instrument. I started private lessons two and a half years ago and have since joined our city’s symphony chorus, performed in my first opera chorus, and started performing as an oratorio soloist with church choirs. My new goal is to start booking some real solo gigs within the next couple of years. I love it so much more than my real job and also love that I don’t have to scramble to support myself with gigs and teaching.

    3. My approach to parenting was “choose what you want to do and we will support you as far as you want to go as long as it doesn’t bankrupt us.” This resulted in my daughter’s devoting 9 years to a sport for which she had very little innate talent, followed by rapid pivots to visual art and then music and musical theatre in high school. Despite the conventional wisdom that to impress colleges kids should stick with one activity throughout high school and do it at a very high level, she came out just fine in the admissions game.

    4. I love to learn. Even if I don’t master things, I love the process of learning and the beginner’s mindset. I believe trying to learn a new skill helps me be a better educator. As an adult I’ve taken classes or lessons in the following areas:
       -Golf
       -Drawing
       -Watercolor
       -Pottery
       -Belly dancing
       -Improv
       -Taekwondo

    5. I still regularly practice one of my instruments; I “had talent” in music and creative writing in school. I don’t write creatively anymore, though. As an adult, I’ve learned/taken up (to various levels of skill) rock climbing, ballet, baking elaborate cakes, tennis, running, karate, and figure skating. I also keep up my two foreign languages from school with Duolingo/Rosetta stone (free subscription through the public library!), and have dabbled in my in-laws’ native language, and tourist German. I’m learning lacrosse now, because my kids want to play and want me to play catch with them.

    6. I’m reading the book Grit for a book club and it is all about the point that effort matters MUCH more than innate talent. (Sure, for some physical activities your genetics can make or break whether you could ever be on the Olympic team, but that’s not relevant to most people).

       She puts forth the formula: talent x effort = skill, skill x effort = achievement. So effort counts twice! We love a good “he’s a natural” story, but that discounts all the hard work it takes to make it look like you’re a “natural”

       1. Effort is necessary but not sufficient for achievement. Zero talent times infinite effort equals zero skill and zero achievement. Not to say that there aren’t some activities that can be fun if you are below average to average, but you can’t be great without talent.

          I think the American overemphasis on “grit,” the veneration of people who claim to work long hours and never to sleep, the rampant anti-intellectualism, the refusal to provide adequate gifted education, etc. are all part of the strategy of the 1% to keep regular people working long hours for inadequate pay for the benefit of our economic overlords.

          1. Interesting take. We actually talked in book club yesterday about how the author is Chinese American with immigrant parents, and that the Eastern culture tends to produce “grittier” people because of the emphasize on hard work and collective society (vs the American “find your passion” and do only the things you want to do and that serve you as an individual).

             I also don’t think achievement means “be a concert violinist” or the most elite in your field; it means sticking with something even if it’s hard and seeing it through. I can’t imagine anyone has absolutely zero talent in any area of life. Even if the talent is as basic as “can hold a violin in their hands”.

    7. honestly, this is an issue across all families, not just yours and for different reasons – kids are encouraged to specialize early, there are so few opportunities for quality rec programming for sports, it’s like if you arent going to make the varsity team, there is no space for you. i have two early elementary kids who are really enjoying trying different things, and developing new skills, but at a certain point there wont be anything for them. it’s such a shame, since 99.9999% of them are not going to become an olympian, professional athelete, musician or artist

    8. Yoga. I grew up believing I was a “klutz” and that the only reason I should move my body was to lose weight. My sibling, however, was a college athlete. I discovered yoga and although yoga is so much more than asanas, it turns out I am really really good at asanas. I wish I had known this decades ago.

    9. Hmm, I was always put down by my peers for not being good at what I’ll call “ball sports.” I grew up in a small town in which sports were the only thing that mattered, for context. Joke’s on them. Now I’m in my 40s and have been a regular runner since my late 20s, go kayaking and paddleboarding all summer long, and do Orange Theory 2-3 times a week. I don’t claim to be a natural athlete, because I am not, but I am active and proud that I have done this as an adult.

15. I posted yesterday asking for advice about how to respond to my BF taking up a dangerous hobby around which I have very negative feelings/trauma. I just want to thank you for sharing perspectives. I know some were frustrated that I would not identify the hobby specifically, but I knew that I’d eventually get a better conversation if I didn’t.
    I am not sure how I am going to proceed overall, but plan to tell him tonight that I won’t be going on the trip with his family. Even though I am still conflicted, I want to give him time to invite a friend.

    1. Honestly, the caginess is just annoying now. It’s an anonymous blog, you got your convo.

    2. Thinking of you . Sending hugs and good thoughts.

    3. Yeah, it felt like details were omitted to get more attention.

       1. No, to get a broader conversation and avoid biases based on the demographics on this board.

       2. +1 and to distract people from the actual facts, which implies OP might be in the wrong. But maybe she’ll tell us eventually?

          1. What a strange comment. “You are wrong” is the answer I was looking for. I do not want to end this relationship. I love this man.

             1. Clarifying – Hoping for, not ‘looking for’

       3. No, I get it. If it were a hobby some readers were deeply entrenched in, it would have resulted in more arguing about whether it truly is a risky hobby.

          The issue is that OP made herself clear that it’s a dealbreaker for her, and her boyfriend, who has never really been interested in it before, decided it was very important to him to pursue it now.

          I get why she found that concerning.

          We all get to have our dealbreakers.

          1. I guess so, but the question was whether it was okay to “forbid” him from the hobby.

             In general you can have any dealbreaker you want, so I guess in that sense, the answer was yes. But if he was looking to take up mah jongg, there’s a different conversation about reasonableness than if he’s BASE jumping.

    4. Glad you got the advice you needed and good luck! I understand not wanting to share details too.

    5. I see nothing wrong with you leaving out the details. Any activity you identified would bring out judgments on whether the activity is unreasonably dangerous or not. We all have biases and you avoided having them influence our answers.

       1. Thank you for getting it.

       2. I’d love to know what the hobby is but understand this. As we can see based on the baby invitation post, we’d be considering whether cave diving really is that dangerous or the mortality rate of Ultimate Tiddlywinks. After 25 years, OP isn’t going to logic her way out of her feelings; she has to figure out what to do with them.

    6. I was frustrated by the lack of detail, but I get why you might not want to mention it on the board; I wouldn’t want to give people an opening to debate whether you’re obligated to get over the trauma or not, how dangerous the activity actually is, etc.
       Good on you for putting on the brakes and taking the time you need to consider your next steps in the relationship.

16. To the poster from yesterday asking about 48 hours in Lisbon:
    I was there over Christmas. If I was in your shoes, I would spend one day exploring the city and one day doing a day trip. I booked a day trip through Vi@tor and visited Sintra, Cascais, Pena Palace, and Cabo da Roca. strongly recommend!

    1. That was me, thanks! Unfortunately we’ll only have one full day in the city, because 2 nights means we arrive around noon on the first day and leave around noon on the last day (really we just wake up, eat breakfast and go to the airport that day, since you have to be there several hours early for an international flight). I think it’s probably not enough time for a day trip. But I know Sintra comes highly recommended!

17. Is a day trip to Block Island worth it from Newport, RI? Will be in Newport four days this summer, can’t extend the trip to spend a night on the island.

    1. It’s fun! It’s a sort of like Martha’s Vineyard, but more New York than Boston.

18. What is up with job applications that have a salary range in the job description, but also require you to put in your desired salary? Do they want you to put in the middle of the range? Bottom?

    I have a Masters and while I think I am a strong candidate, I probably don’t have the highest number of years of experience of all the candidates. What should I put? My salary is also a lot lower now but thats because I work in the public sector and am applying to the private sector.

    1. That sucks that they are requiring you to put in your desired salary as part of the application process. I would put your desired salary at the top of the salary range. It would be a starting point for negotiations. Plus it makes you look like a desired candidate. You are probably underestimating your qualifications.

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