Admin note: Unfortunately a bunch of comments got stuck in spam this morning (30, which is really high) — if you posted and didn’t see it, you may want to repost in the afternoon thread. Thank you for your patience!
If you’re a fan of sheer tights, M.M.LaFleur has a new brand in stock: Threads Tights.
As they note, the tights “are made in Italy and designed with tone matching—meaning they blend in with your natural skin tone better than most nude tights on the market.”
Interesting – I feel like this is still a niche market – but it does seem like it’s on the rise. Similar options: nude-for-you fishnets (we discussed them here) and fleece pantyhose.
The Threads tights come in six colors in sizes A-D and are $17.
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Workwear sales of note for 3.19.23:
- Ann Taylor – 30% off $150; 40% off $250
- Athleta – 20% off shorts, swim, linen & more
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 40% off purchase
- Boden – Celebrate St. Patrick’s Day with 25% off everything
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off sale. Some pretty serious markdowns!
- Cole Haan – Up to 40% off select styles
- Express – All bottoms $45
- J.Crew – 25% off your purchase
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off everything; extra 50% off clearance; $10 off every $50
- NET-A-PORTER – 25% off $750; 20% off $500
- Sephora – Up to 50% off select beauty
- Talbots – 40% off 1 item and 25% off everything else; 25% off markdowns
I would love to try these. Not in the summer, but spring and fall when it’s not tights weather but I get tired of wearing pants every day. As a bonus, my feet never got blistered wearing work shoes back when hose were required. Now, even comfy shoes can generate hotspots and blisters. There is a reason that hikers wear socks. Hose was to me so helpful for this.
For those with divorced parents, how do you handle holidays, birthdays, and other events? My parents seem to expect that we will go to their houses and have separate birthdays and holiday celebrations for our kids, and don’t want to come to my house at the same time. I am planning to host holidays moving forward but I also don’t want the tension of both of them in my house when they haven’t been in the same room in decades and still make snide comments about each other.
I solved this problem by going no contact with one of them, but my suggestion would be having them over a separate times. Like A gets Christmas Eve, B get Christmas, then switch the following year. Don’t have them come together, because that will ruin the holiday for everyone.
That’s not the worst dea but it’s double the work. I might just alternate years and have done with it.
Also, if they haven’t been in the same room for decades, what have you been doing up to now?
I would assume the grandkids are recent and have complicated things.
I recommend focusing on what’s best for your own children, which is having happy celebrations where their parents aren’t stressed out from grandparent drama. If the grandparents can’t be cordial, they’ll each have to miss out on at least a chunk of the events. As a kid of divorced parents, it stinks to have shuttle around for holidays. I wouldn’t continue that burden for another generation just to make grandparents happy or tolerate snide remarks at every holiday.
Agreed, as a child of divorced parents who can’t get it together long enough to not take shots at each other.
I would institute an “anyone who makes a snide remark is asked to leave” rule. It sucks the first few times you have to do it, but even stubborn people figure it out pretty quickly.
THIS. If they’re old enough to be grandparents, they’re old enough to suck it up and be civil for a few hours. If it’s really only one of them who is the instigator, while the other tries to keep the peace, then the sh— stirrer gets uninvited.
Also, does your co-parent also have living parents? (Ie your kid has grandparents on both sides)? If so, where do they fit into this mix.
As a child of divorced parents, getting passed around constantly really felt like I was a tool of emotional combat rather than a loved person. Maybe it wasn’t that bad for you as a kid, but even so I don’t think you should put your kid in that position if it can be avoided.
My parents are divorced, but both still live in the same city on the west coast. A bit unconventional, but when we go to visit, we generally do things with them together. They had an amicable divorce after 30+ years of marriage, so they are fine/friendly with each other still, and more than happy to see more of our kids when we are in town. They generally come visit us (on the east coast) separately, though they have both been here at the same time for kids’ birthdays and holidays. [My mom has an apartment here, my dad will stay in a hotel.]
I’ve never been in this situation, so disregard if this isn’t helpful, but to minimize the amount of events and shuttling and logistics and bending over backwards so crappy people can be crappy, I would absolutely not be above a little emotional manipulation. “You’re welcome to come for Little Susie’s birthday party on Saturday at 2pm. Dad is also invited. If you can’t be a civil guest, you’ll have to leave; I trust you don’t want to ruin Little Susie’s birthday or give Dad the satisfaction.” Repeat to other parent.
It does run the risk that you will have to ask them to leave, though, since it sounds like they are out of practice being civil.
I’m not seeing that as emotionally manipulative. It’s very blunt. It also sets boundaries and expectations. The hard part would be following through if one or both of the grands exhibited poor behavior, I think. OP you may want to try some combination of this advice: birthdays are an event where everyone gets an invite with clear expectations on behavior. Christmas and Easter you may swap every other year, etc. I hope for you that you can find a repeatable way to handle holidays and other events so that it’s not a big stressball and negotiation every time you have a family related advent. I hope too that over time, the grandparents will chill out and accept whatever invite you give them, but not attend (or do!) without further drama.
Totally fair! I was referring to the “I trust you don’t want to ruin Little Susie’s birthday” portion of the script. Sometimes it’s better to not bring the feelings into it as that gives narcissists a home field advantage; sometimes it guilts people into behaving. OP didn’t include a ton of details about her parents’ particular way of being difficult, so I wanted to recognize that sometimes it may not be productive. (Very satisfying, though!)
I’m not throwing two birthday parties for kids so each grandparent can come to one. The party is when it is. If a grandparent wants to take kid out to dinner or whatever – on grandparent’s dime – then they’re welcome to do that. If I’m hosting for holidays then they’re both going to be invited, though I suppose you could alternate the holidays between the two of them.
Caveat that this would be different if one person was the clear wrongdoer who has no problem being in the same room with their victim, while the victim cannot be in the same room with the perpetrator and therefore would always be excluded.
Your last paragraph is important. “Everyone is equally welcome” is not true when a bully or abuser is present.
I am a child of divorce with remarriages and had to spend my teens shuffling through 4 thanksgivings and 4 christmases. It was awful and I swore I’d never put my kids through that. Now that I have kids, and my husband’s parents are divorced too, we decided to serve our immediate family first – so for example, we are always home by 8pm on Christmas Eve so the kids can set out cookies and milk, and wake up to their own presents in their own house. We won’t leave our house until noon on Christmas Day.
Then for the rest of it, we treated all the holidays like one big schedule: We have Thanksgiving meal, Christmas Eve dinner, Christmas Day dinner, and New Years Day lunch. We’ll rotate through each parent set, and it’s on them to invite anyone else from their side. We are not making separate stops to Mom’s parents and StepDad’s parents. We just inform the families of our plan – “This year we’ll be with you for Christmas Eve. Let us know where it’ll be and what we can bring!”
For kid birthday parties (and the few years we’ve hosted a holiday) we talked to each of the 4 sets of parents and laid down our rules. The day is about the kids, not grandparents and their drama. We will always invite all 4 sets, and if they don’t feel they can be civil and keep the focus on the kids, it’s up to them to figure out a rotation that works. I’m not adding their emotional labor to my already overflowing list. (Coming up with gift ideas for each grandparent set is hard enough!!)
My kids are now early elementary, and our siblings have started to have kids, and this is now just an understood rule. In fact we moved one set of grandparents to an early January “holiday gathering” so we could all be together, which means we can now host a friends-and-kids party on New Years Day.
Dr. The Original ...
I would do a 3-way call with self and spouse or partner on the call with me (if there is one). I’d explain to them that their snarky behavior means you do not trust them to not ruin holidays and events and you won’t let them do this to your family. As a result, they can decide whether they want to alternate holidays or split the length of time (one comes in the morning and leaves, one comes in the afternoon, etc.). Tell them that this is between them to figure out, you want no part of this process. Tell them that it is also possible for them to decide to behave and then they can be in the same room and invited together. Tell them that this is a one and done situation, this is not emotional labor you are taking on. Then, have a first gathering that’s a no big deal thing (invent some reason if you need to). Let them handle it.
If they are fine, don’t mention it again. If they don’t handle it well, you and your partner (if there is one) need to decide how you’ll handle it so it’s the least amount of labor to you. Maybe this means both are banned from your events until they deal, maybe it means they can each host something another time so they can do the work, maybe it means you give them a schedule and that’s it. Up to you.
Do not do the labor, do not dance with either. <3
Oh, wow. So you are suggesting she force the divorced parents to get on the phone unsupervised to work out a visitation schedule? That sounds fraught. My divorced parents never spoke on the phone or in person after I was about 14, with one exception when I was in the hospital at 16 and my mother called to let my father know I might be dying. I can’t imagine them speaking for reasons less dire, even though they don’t have venom for each other. They just . . . don’t speak. They coul probably be in a room together if there were grandkids or an event, but suggesting they make a plan together would be really outrageous. Same for my stepfather and his wife. They have attended grandkids’ events together but the idea of them ever being on the phone is unthinkable.
Yeah, this sounds all nice. But the reality is that it’s asking to only escalate things and result in you seeing both of them a lot less, which is going to remove those relationships from your life and your kids’ lives. Give the parents an out to be there at different times or to behave. But asking them to sort out together when they’ll be there is too far (and just from a practical perspective, you’re the host and control when things start and stop. It’s weird to put that on your guests). From what I’ve observed with friends and my husband’s family, most divorced parents don’t stay in touch after kids have left school even under relatively peaceful circumstances. Forcing them to work out a problem with added pressures of holidays and travel is just asking to blow things up even if it were a fairly decent relationship.
This just sounds like really bad advice if the goal is to maintain a good relationship with each of them and avoid a genuine hostile environment around your kids.
Eh, your non-venomous parents probably have earned the right to not be forced onto the phone with each other. Sounds like OP’s parents have given that up and a come-to-Jesus is necessary for them to not make OP’s life hell and her kids’ childhoods yet more fraught. I think they can do that much for her.
We reserve Christmas for our family and make the grandparents visit us in the days or weeks beforehand. We otherwise kind of split the holidays. Everyone gets an invite to the birthday parties, but the parent who lives farther away rarely comes.
My parents had a drama-filled divorce 20 years ago. They still have a hard time being in the same place. However, once I got married and had kids, I decided I was done trying to go to so many different places for the holidays. Now, me and my siblings rotate who hosts and everyone is invited. My parents have mostly learned to co-exist. We have one birthday party and they both come and just mostly ignore each other. It was painful the first few years. They will never be friendly to each other, but at least they can be in the same space without a fight.
Hi there! My boyfriend and I are thinking about going to Japan for a vacation (we live in the southern US). We will probably stay for 10 days.
For anyone who lives there or has been– what do you think is the best time to go? The “best time” for me would entail fewer crowds and weather that isn’t stifling hot. We will definitely go to Tokyo and Kyoto, but I’m not sure where else and am pretty open! Any must-sees?
October or May! Do some research if you want to time the cherry blossom season (and know that most things shut down for the associated cherry blossom viewing holidays). Fall colors are beautiful and the weather is generally good in October.
Japan JUST opened (last month I believe?). It was way behind most of the world in opening to tourism. So I’d check Covid requirements carefully, and also be prepared for disruptions to your travel plans. For better or worse, it’s pretty clear that many countries have moved beyond lockdowns and closed borders and are not going back to those things regardless of what happens with the pandemic, but I wouldn’t assume that’s the case in Japan.
What to do largely depends on what you’re in to! Delta recently increased their ATL-Tokyo non-stops and I’d love to take advantage!
I was there once at Christmas and it was pretty great. A sprinkling of snow on the ground but not too cold to have fun.
I went in May and December. We didn’t have peak crowds associated with the cherry blossom season for example but it was still pretty crowded at certain spots (like Harajuku on the weekend). You’ll have to adjust your mindset about crowds because Tokyo has a high population density, so trains will be packed regardless. With that said, early morning visits to popular temples and shrines is how I avoided the tour buses. My favorite was Fushimi Inari in Kyoto. Got there at 6am and had a lovely hike with only locals out for their morning exercises.
At what point does normal workplace kibitzing turn into something more toxic and bad for office culture as a whole? And if you felt the complaining was going deeper than run-of-the-mill complaints and sounding somewhat personal, would you say anything to your boss? Or let it go, especially if you don’t have to work directly with the offenders on a daily basis? I don’t like to wade into office politics and skirmishes pretty much ever, and avoid them like the plague, but I am so sick of a particular group of coworkers sh!tting on everything that doesn’t come out of their department.
Complaints without a plan to do something about it are a waste of time. Sometimes it helps by asking the complainer what their next steps are to fix or what they are doing about it. If the complainer isn’t in an active position to do something about it, then it’s asking them if they have given possible ideas for next steps to “so and so.” It’s surprising how often this tactic shuts things down.
I don’t tattle on coworkers. But I also make sure I’m not wasting my time by participating. (Exception would be going to HR or leadership if an attack is grossly personal or attacking for a protected status like gender, race, age, disability, etc.)
If someone is being attacked personally or bullied (not just complaining) and I want to change the room tone, I will often firmly say “I haven’t found that to be the case” and then go back to my work or switch the conversation to a topic related to the project but not the aspect being complained about.
I worked in an environment like this and the only solution was for the toxic b1tchers to get so sick of it that they quit. I think things would have been far better if management had “helped” them quit earlier.
In my particular role, I pushed back on my peers (we were all managers) to at least stop b1tching and moaning in front of their staff. We were bleeding junior people and we needed them to stay! Having your manager always stopping by to tell you how much this place sucks is not a good recipe for employee retention. I’m surprised that wasn’t obvious to them but what are you going to do.
At the end of the day these were miserable people who would have been miserable in any environment. I pity their families.
Has anyone here successfully given up coffee? Any tips?
Due to a medical condition I have to give up coffee and tea, including decaf (except herbal tea) forever. I am one of those people who is excited to go to bed because I am already looking forward to my morning coffee. My dad and I buy each other coffee-themed things as gifts. Visiting new coffee shops is my favorite part of traveling. I know plenty of people don’t drink coffee (my husband, for instance), but I love coffee and am kind of devastated to give it up. I realize how dramatic that sounds, but I think it’s also what I’m focusing on instead of the bigger chronic health stuff.
Anyways– any ideas for morning rituals to replace my coffee habit with and maybe make this transition a little bit easier?
I’m sorry, that sounds hard! I don’t think it’s dramatic to be devastated. I gave up caffeinated coffee pretty easily because I didn’t like the dependence and the headaches when I didn’t have it, but I didn’t enjoy it as much as you do and I still had the option to drink decaf (and tea).
I gave up coffee and now drink weak tea. First of all, the headaches are real. You’ll need aspirin or ibuprofen for a while, making sure it’s not excedrin or something that contains caffeine.
I now drink a weak hot tea in the morning. The bag is in the cup for less than 30 seconds. It’s the hot cuppa that really is the joy, and yes, I look forward to that morning tea when I’m going to bed, so I feel you!
I would still have a hot bev in the morning, whether it’s herbal tea or hot chocolate or lemon and honey in hot water. For me, it’s the ritual, as you said, and just having something warm and soothing that helps me get going.
I sympathise, I still miss coffee after years of not being able to drink it and still love the smell of it.
You’ll be able to find herbal tisanes you’ll love, try dandelion chai if you like lots of flavour and something you can have milk in. I also love lemongrass and ginger for something zingy. Buy yourself a nice teapot and a beautiful teacup plus some pretty tins to keep them in (I like loose leaf to avoid the plastics in teabags). I hope you have some fun experimenting and finding things you like.
Thanks, I think getting myself some pretty teacups will definitely help!
I think Postum is still around, if you can drink that. Or, a cup of hot water with lemon (and a little honey if you need the sweetness)
Can you drink brewed cacao?
Would hot chocolate work? There are low- and no-sugar varieties if that matters to you.
Also I love coffee and I would be devastated to have to give it up, too!
Ha, I had forgotten that at the summer camp where I worked as a college kid, I drank hot chocolate every single morning because I was still too much of a kid for coffee but all my coworkers guzzled it and I didn’t want to look like the odd one out in front of the campers (some of whom were uncomfortably close to my age!).
My MIL is in your shoes and she likes the Tazo lemon loaf and Good Earth Sweet & Spicy in the morning. I keep them especially for her when she visits – it helps I like them too! Recently I had some Stash Red Dragon chai for her and she didn’t like it as much, but you might try that one as well. A lot of Tazo’s more fun flavors are herbal. Best of luck :)
I forgot about my favorite tea brand, Bigelow, which has some nice herbal possibilities, including a Peppermint Bark one that I totally want to try. Also, they have these funky Cold Water Infusion “teas,” which are also herbal and which would be a pivot, but they sound delicious!
Thanks for the suggestions! Will be loading up on herbal teas for sure
I first quit coffee and then tea, both due to health conditions. It was actually pretty easy for me to quit coffee because I was so nauseated that it just didn’t appeal any more, but I can still relate to losing the ritual part of it. There are lots of herbal teas I enjoy, though, and if you don’t usually drink them, you can have fun trying new ones and figuring out what you like. Rooibos is one of my favorites.
You have my sympathies OP. I love coffee the same way. This might not work at all depending on your condition, but there is apparently a growing ‘beanless coffee’ movement. Would something like Atomo Coffee work?
Otherwise, I would lean hard into non-coffee/tea hot drinks. I would buy the fanciest herbal teas and become an expert at making tumeric lattes (search golden milk latte recipes).
I forgot about tumeric lattes, good idea. My favourite recipe is fresh tumeric, fresh ginger and pink peppercorns in the NutriBullet with coconut milk, then heat and sprinkle with cinnamon.
Ohh yes, I will absolutely be looking into tumeric lattes! Thanks for the suggestions.
Rishi tumeric tea. delicious in lattes and alone.
I had to give up coffee for a while for health reasons. I hated it! Learn hard into nice herbal teas and drinking chocolates for the ritual.
First of all, my sympathies. I had to do this a number of years ago for medical reasons and it was simply awful. Very emotionally difficult, since I love coffee so much too. I had to adhere to a no-acid, no-caffeine, no spice, no-other fun stuff diet to get my chronic pain symptoms under control. The good news is that it worked long term. And hopefully it will for you too!
I don’t know if this is the case for you, but I was able to bring coffee back into my diet after a number of years. I use acid-reducing crystals for lattes https://calciblend.com/ and get a no-acid coffee https://tylerscoffees.com/ sharing these links in case it helps you or someone else.
For non-caffeinated drinks, Roobios was good, it has enough body and flavor. Also, steamed milk with flavoring, for when i needed something hot but not watery. Peppermint tea is nice in the afternoon. Celestial Seasonings makes some fruit zinger teas which are flavorful. Bigelow Benefits Rose and Mint tea is very pleasant.
Thank you for the great suggestions and commiseration. And yes, I am hoping this will make my long term health much better, so I’m hoping once I get through this hard it’ll be worth it.
I’m sorry about the health stuff – totally get why you’d want to think about something else.
For a morning kick, maybe ginger tea with either fresh ginger or unsweetened ginger tea powder? The ritual could include grating the ginger to get a fresh zing in the air.
Turmeric, ginger and lemon infusion could also work.
Can you drink Rooibos or Honeybush? Both work well with milk, if you like your morning brew to have milk or creamer, and they are both earthy and deep in flavor like black coffee or tea.
If you have to give up caffeine (or whatever in coffee/tea), are you sure you can have liquorice? Most herbal tea blends seem to have liquorice, so make sure to check.
For the hot chocolate recommendations above – be sure to check with your doctor, I think cacao and chocolate have caffeine.
I don’t know what health problem is prompting you to avoid coffee and tea, but if you’re also sensitive to acidic things, just a heads up that fruit flavored herbal teas (esp. lemon and berry) can be a problem. They can also be an issue for your teeth if you sip them for hours. I like herbal teas, but it’s definitely worth keeping in mind that some of them can also be irritating if you have the kind of issues that require you to avoid caffeine, so pay attention to how they make you feel and don’t just assume they’re all fine. Good luck!
Good call. Peppermint tea is also bad for reflux.
This may sound crazy but I drink hot water, about the same temperature as hot coffee or tea. I even put it in the same insulated mug I previously used. In the beginning, it was difficult, but I have really grown to like hot water. Added benefit: I can (and do) drink it all day and right up until bedtime.
OP- is this something you can do gradually or do you need to go cold turkey? I still drink coffee but was able to cutback to 8 ounces. Going without would not be enjoyable but for my health I would do it too.
I love, love, love hot water! I drink it with lemon throughout the day and always ask for it when dining out. Some servers are befuddled by my request- especially when traveling.
I went cold turkey on coffee when I quit. There were a few hard days, maybe 3-4, and then it was easier. I kept my ritual the same, though, in terms of going to the kitchen, fixing my water, sipping it for a few minutes while I peruse the headlines, etc. I also drink hot milk with vanilla or almond extract occasionally when I want something more. Ask you dentist about using lemon in your water; mine suggested I avoid it because the acid is hard on tooth enamel.
I’m so sorry! At one point I had to give up coffee due to severe reflux (thankfully it’s been resolved). Eliminating a daily simple pleasure is hard, don’t feel bad about being emotional. Chai has a strong flavor and isn’t too sweet. Tazo makes a decaf version.
I haven’t tried it myself yet but I’ve heard good things about mushroom coffee.
Yes, give the mushroom “coffee” a try. I also remember we were drinking chicory “coffee” as kids. I also gave up coffee temporarily after a major surgery and I just drank lots of water and hot herbal tea (fennel, ginger & orange, rose & lavender, mint, or whatever herbs I had fresh in my garden). My sister drinks hot water with a few drops of lemon or orange juice.
Teeccino does herbal tea that tastes like coffee. Maybe that’s an option?
European or Indian stores may have beverages (targeted at kids) that you can substitute for coffee by mixing them in with milk.
Look for: Horlicks, Viva, Nesquik (not chocolate flavored), Bournvita, Complan (malt / chocolate flavored).
Also, while you are giving up coffee, go easy on your other restrictions. Try not to also give up sugar for instance. (I dont take sugar in my coffee, but if I am substituting hot chocolate I would not try to have it unsweetened).
Is there anything like the “New Yorker’s View of the World” cartoon that is equivalent to “American PBS Viewer’s View of England” (or the UK)? Like where Faulty Towers, Keeping Up Appearances, Downton Abbey, and the like take place? I could attempt to draw this, but am not the best artist and my mom would love something like this as a present (for me, it would be more Trainspotting, Derry Girls, Luther, or even a Luther view of London or all the places that Downton Abbey or Keeping Up Apperances takes place). I’m sure I’m missing some good shows, but does this sort of thing exist?
Yes, it’s called the Great British TV Map.
Thank you!!! I have just spent several minutes nerding out over this–appreciate it!
I love this! I am a huge BBC nerd – Fawlty Towers, Grantchester, Case Histories, plus Downton.
My husband loves Midsomer Murders, Brideshead Revisited, Vera.
I may have to order this!
It is available on a kitchen towel, which seems just perfect to me.
I am now going to be training new people who will be >50% remote. In law. We used to train with a lot of in-person training even when we were in the office with excel sheets on giant screens, closely reviewing comments, reviewing analytics, etc. I feel like I need to know how to do this well and no one seems to know how to do that (not IRL, not here . . .). I get that we need set meetings as before, but how do you really interact with people to make sure they are not nodding in agreement or not really knowing that they don’t understand things? I don’t want to give them homework and quiz them, but having them reverse engineer something as a formal assignment crossed my mind.
Give them assignments and deadlines for them, and schedule feedback sessions individually to go over what was incomplete or incorrect. Plan to do a lot of hand holding at first, just like with any trainee. And yes, if you need to come up with a sample project to check for understanding, it’s not a terrible idea.
One thing I’m encountering is that people do not respond with good times for calls or decline them as posing conflicts (with no replacement window proposed). I think that many people working remotely find calls to be intrusive but e-mail feedback feels like it goes into the void with no interactions / feedback / obvious learning on the other end. Putting things on a calendar usually gets a tentative / decline so I feel very stuck in moving forward with a crucial part of training. And this is just for half-hour blocks, no half days or anything, all during the workday in our common time zone.
This is a performance issue. If people are not making themselves available for required training, then you start with documentation and an improvement plan. This is particularly unacceptable for a new hire.
That seems kind of ridiculous. I mean, one of the trade offs of working remotely is that you need to be available for scheduled calls, since it’s not possible for a coworker to walk down the hall and find you to ask the question.
Wow — I’d likely not have the energy to chase after people that much. I would just not send those people work if you have any other options.
How are these people getting away with that behavior? That’s ridiculous. If you’re working remotely, you still need to be as available as you’d be in person.
It sounds like the trainees don’t feel like this is mandatory or important. If it is, someone needs to ask that clear and create consequences for non-participation. If you don’t have that authority talk to someone who does.
Went through something similar (not in law, though) recently. Although we are ~50% WFH, for the first x months we were less than 50% WFH until the new staff were up to speed enough to start doing some stuff on their own. Then it became obvious where I needed to do some more in depth training.
What did you do next? I feel like I am pre-dreading what will likely be a lot more work on my end (and yet it is in addition to my actual job responsibilities, which aren’t being offset or going to someone else) that will come out of my free time. And I’d be OK, but my prior experiences have been horrid, with the trainees practically kicking and screaming (or being late to zooms with no notice / explanation / etc.).
I used to do this at my last job (my first three months of at-home was transitioning a 3 week in person training to Zoom). We used a lot of polls and breakout rooms to do discussions; the first few minutes (maybe 10 tops) was used to get folks to know each other a bit in the same way you would when you were first starting a training (day 1 for this obviously looked different than day 20). Emailing out worksheets ahead of time also helped.
The two biggest things we found helpful was to 1. keep the class small (we went from roughly 50 people in-person to only 25-30 in zoom) and 2. have at least two “leaders” in the room (one who is teaching and one who can monitor chat rooms, waiting rooms, launch the polls, etc.).
If you want to chat more about it, I’m happy to answer questions if you want to post a burner.
Those of you who have had your colors “done”, I have questions!
What method did you use? In person, online, a book?
Do you feel like they got it right?
How has it changed what you wear and do you think it makes a difference?
I’m sure there are more questions, but those are the ones I can think of. Any other thoughts welcome!
I used the Created Colorful method, which I read about here. You email them pics of yourself draped in an assortment of colors. They got it right (Deep Winter) but I don’t love those colors. Given a choice when shopping, I am trying to choose recommended colors.
I did the color analysis because I have transitioned to grey hair and was feeling washed out in my wardrobe.
Curious what your coloring is like. I think I am a Deep Winter also, and also recently transitioned to my natural hair, which is a mix of dark and silvery gray.
That’s so funny. I did Created Colorful too and think they got it right and also don’t love my colors (soft summer). I’m SO JEALOUS of winters!
I used House of Colour and liked it. I went to one consultant in person with my mom, near where she lived, for a color analysis with draping of scarves near the face. And then I went with a different House of Colour consultant (who was available first) for a follow-up online style analysis. Both were useful. Interestingly, my color diagnosis was different than the result I got 20 years ago in a local adult education class. I think the more recent one was more accurate, and I ultimately chalk up the earlier one to resonating more with my artificial hair color at the time. I’m not 100% sold on sticking to colors only in my new palette, but as I have need to buy new items, I find the formula helpful. The process mainly helped me understand better why I don’t look good in certain colors.
The style analysis through House of Colour if anything was more useful. It helped me see more clearly why I feel like me in certain looks and silly or at least inauthentic in looks that I like on other people.
I’m super obsessed with house of colour Instagram accounts but can’t bring myself to drop $350. It appeals to me mostly as a fun puzzle!
We got Color Me Beautiful out of the library and it has tiny swatches, but it’s usually pretty obvious. Plus, my trench coat looks horrid against my ruddy skin, so I try to tie on a scarf in a good color for me (Winter, partial to white or dark / jewel tones). It’s usually right and it’s FREE.
I did house of color in person a few years ago. It was not what I was expecting, but it was clear to me once we started looking at it that they were right. I am a summer, so I struggle some with how to dress my edgier style with softer smokier colors, but I am slowly finding my way and can tell a major difference in pictures. It also helped a lot with makeup shades and hair color options, some of which I had found for myself (like I prefer navy or brown eyeliner to black) others that I had always avoided (its worth it for me to do the work to have cool toned hair with my complexion). It has helped when I am looking at investment pieces to be able to narrow down what colors are worth putting money into.
Funny, I’m a summer and I also use navy and brown eyeliner. Black is just too harsh on me.
I did mine through an online consult, although I had a fairly good idea of where I’d land even before the consultation. I was looking for verification, I guess!
It has kept me from chasing colors that I love in theory but don’t do me any favors. I think it opened my eyes to neutrals that I wouldn’t have considered before. Unfortunately, as a soft summer, they can sometimes be hard to find. It was super useful in helping me sift through the colors that were never going to look quite right or didn’t coordinate with other stuff in my closet. Overall, I feel much more settled in my look and my clothes are more easily mixed and matched.
It made things make sense for me, like why dramatic eye makeup always looked super weird on me and I instinctively didn’t like it. Or why I never felt great or confident in black tops and coats because they wash me out, whereas charcoal actually looks great! That doesn’t mean I’ll never wear black, but when I do, I’m much more mindful about the rest of the colors in my outfit. Example: I’m not getting rid of my black wool coat but I’ve picked a scarf that’s in a more flattering color for me.
I’m the same with black and I have So Much of It! It’s really not my color at all.
I have done it in person and they got it right. I try to keep the flattering colours in mind when shopping – and really try to ensure what I buy goes with what I have. Based on my colours, I have almost eliminated black (my base colours are navy and grey). Still have work to do – and still fail when I really like the style/fit/comfort of something, but the colours are not quite right ( looking at you minty green super-comfortable-washes like a dream-good style for zoom top)
Another Created Colorful user here! I do feel like they got it right. I’m a cool summer. I was wearing some of my colors already, but I tended to pick shades that were too muted for me. Now I’m choosing brighter versions of those colors and I can really see the difference!
What non see through white tee shirts do you recommend? Normal length, slim fitting but not too tight, appropriate with nicer jeans and boots. A lot of mine are still see through despite appropriate undergarments. Thanks!
Talbots pima bateau t-shirt is my go-to. It’s thicker, has 3/4 sleeves (they make a pima v also). Good quality. Rarely on sale as a stand-alone, but they often do 30% off everything on the s_te. Black Friday will probably be 40% off everything. They launder and wear well and last multiple seasons, and they are not see-through!
I’ve had luck with the brand Three Dots, as the material was exceptionally thick (by current standards at least). This is probably why they’re pricey!
anon a mouse
I got a great one at Gap last year – I think it’s the Modern V-neck. It was thicker than everywhere else I tried.
BR Factory is where my latest ones came from. Lots of options.
I have recently ordered Amazon Essential tshirts and have been really pleased. I find that the white is fine with a nude bra. They are longer than I would like so for the shirts I would like to wear to work I’ve had them hemmed. Great price point.
My eyelid is spasming like crazy. This happens to me from time to time, and I know it’s nothing serious and will go away on its own, but it’s driving me crazy and making it so hard to concentrate on work.
Try some drops for dry eyes. (Don’t use a Visine type redness reducer, just the dry eye ones)
And drink a lot of water – when my eyes spasm like that it usually means I’m dehydrated.
+1 and eat a banana. Sometimes the potassium can help.
Agreed. It’s always electrolytes for me so I need sodium and potassium.
No advice, just commiseration — mine’s been spasming since Friday and I’m so annoyed!
Called blepharospasm, could be due to stress/being overly tired.
Yep I’ve noticed it always happens to me when I’m tired. I didn’t get enough sleep last night due to the time change. I don’t think I’m dehydrated or need potassium.
My grandma always “prescribed” magnesium tabs for when we got twitchy eye.
This always works for me. My doctor was actually able to confirm that I’m frequently deficient in magnesium, and my dietician observed that I seldom get enough from my diet. So mine is prescribed prescribed. But I’m guessing grandma may have just been right.
What do you recommend for a small, meaningful gift to commemorate a courthouse wedding? My friend will have a large Muslim wedding overseas in the spring, plus a shower in the US, but I want to get her something small to celebrate her US courthouse ceremony in a few weeks. Neither of the couple drinks. She loves tiny and quirky objects, and small sentimental things.
If the Courthouse is picturesque, could you commission a small drawing of the bride and groom outside of the courthouse from Etsy, or get them a nice frame for a photo taken?
Depending on your budget, Waterford makes gorgeous iced tea/iced beverage glasses.
What about two minimalist, white dove ornaments with the date of the wedding engraved? Look at GoldenThreadPottery on Etsy for inspiration.
Or some dainty jewelry like a tiny heart with turtledove wings, as a charm to put on a necklace or bracelet/anklet?
If the gift it more for her than the couple, I love JeanJean Vintage’s Cachet Collection pendant necklaces made from Victorian wax seals – you can pick one with a message that fits the person/occasion! I like this one for a marriage:
Any recommendations for places to travel in January? Domestic or international is fine. I’m leaving a toxic job and starting my dream job — with three weeks or so to travel! Let me know if there are any recommendations, I’m overwhelmed by the options and generally open to anything. (Toxic job did not give much time for vacation, so I’m looking forward to the break).
Oh, I’d love to have that kind of time between jobs! I’ve only ever managed to swing ~1 week.
Where are you coming from? If from somewhere cold and snowy, I think you should aim for beaches. For, uh, mental health.
My vote would be Maldives or Seychelles, if you’re US based. With three weeks you feel like you have to go somewhere far to take advantage of the extended time off, but also after leaving a toxic job I just wanted to relax on a beach. I didn’t have the mental capacity or physical energy to plan a city trip or do a lot of hiking. I know people who feel this way about weddings and honeymoons, but we had plenty of energy for an active honeymoon in Greece right after our wedding. Toxic job burnout was much, much worse than wedding burnout, for me anyway.
Congrats on the new job!
Australia, if you have that long! Summer there, easy to communicate which makes it relaxing, it’s beautiful and lots of great cultural things too like the Museum of Old and New Art in Hobart.
Maybe Brazil? It’ll be summer there, can be a combination of city and beach. Still relaxing but with things to do. I find that new experiences help me feel recharged in addition to beach time.
I would go to New Zealand or South Africa, both bucket-list destinations that a typical 7-10 day vacation feels wildly insufficient to handle!
I don’t know that I’d put South Africa in the same category as Australia and New Zealand. Our trip there was 10 days total including travel from the east coast and didn’t feel overly rushed to me. Of course we could have spent more time there and visited other parts of the country, but that’s true just about anywhere. I’m planning a trip to Switzerland this summer and finding it impossible to fit in everywhere we want to go. And that’s a very small country!
Is there somewhere you love that you wish you could have spent more time? My favorite city is Barcelona but I’ve only ever been able to spend like 5 days at a time there. I’d love to go and stay the full time, explore the city, travel around if I want but also just chill in a cafe. The dream, truly. To me almost more relaxing than a beach.
I would do Australia and/or New Zealand.
In similar situations I have done New Zealand and Colombia, both of which were great. Colombia was particularly fun because of the difference in weather between the northern US and Colombia in the depths of winter.
My goal the next time I have three weeks off, though, is Namibia plus Mozambique and/or South Africa.
Mexico (you can do a road trip to sample beaches of Baja or Nayarit, treks in Oaxaca, cenotes & pyramids & lagunas & beaches of Yucatan, volcano in Puebla & culture in Mexico City, stomy town Xilitla and amazing gardens of Las Pozas, lakes in Tamaulipas, deser along San Luis/Guanajuato, visit Tequila…).
European winter in Switzerland or Sweden followed by hot-therapy of Morocco or Lebanon
Vietnam & Thailand & Cambodia
Bolivia & Peru & Chile & Patagonia (I did 3w roadtrip in Patagonia – one of the best trips ever)
Patagonia, yes, one of my best trips ever too. (If you like amazing nature landscapes). Asia (Vietnam or/& Cambodia) if you prefer cultural visits with a few days in the beach.
Finally accepting the fact that I just don’t like skirts/dresses, and bought the Cuyana charmeuse wide leg pants in Blue Jade for the holidays (link to follow). The two main events I will wear them for are my departments Christmas party which is dressy casual, and my family’s Christmas dinner, more festive casual (jeans but nice tops for guys, women may wear nicer dresses but not like a work sheath or fancy dress). Any advice on what kind of top to wear?
Oh those are great pants! I think for the family dinner you could do a sleek charcoal-gray turtleneck with statement earrings.
I asked last week about an orphaned velvet skirt I have for holidays. SA recommended a cuddly sweater (not sleek) and I found one this weekend. She was right! It’s perfect. Mine is merino with slivery threads and has a cowl neck.
And now I want those pants!
A black sequin type tank covered with a black bolero and dangly earings and strappy black heels would look aaahmazing with these beautiful teal pants!
Hi! I am newly dating someone and he is everything I’ve really always wanted/needed in a partner. The only thing is that he is relatively inexperienced compared to me and his tool is small. Like, really small. Have any of you dealt with something like this? Gardening is VERY important to me. He has openly said that he doesn’t mind if I used my own tools during our gardening sessions and we’ve done that a couple of times. There is no chance I break things off because of his inexperience/tool. I want to find ways to guide him a bit and for gardening with the tool to be more pleasurable for me. He’s also a quick gardener. So that’s something I would like to find ways around. He hadn’t gardened in 5-6 yrs before me so I know some of the quickness may be due to that and subside with time. Any suggestions??
It depends on what you like. If you don’t really care about p n tration – many women don’t! – then the small tool isn’t an issue. Personally, PIV is the only reason I date men and not women, if I were willing to give that up then I wouldn’t date men at all, so yeah a v small tool is a v big dealbreaker. But lots and lots of women feel differently.
The lack of experience wouldn’t be a concern for me as long as he’s enthusiastic and willing to learn and explore.
I really like Bad Girls Bible, and sent it to my BF when we first started dating. They have incredibly in-depth guides on things like oral etc, and you can refer him to the pages that focus on the things you want him to learn.
Honestly, as far as him using his tool, I don’t really think there is any way to completely transform that experience. I’ve had guys with smaller tools try to do like circular motions etc, but at the end of the day it still doesn’t feel the same way that a larger tool might. You may be able to try squeezing very tight to make it feel bigger or positioning your legs so that it comes in at a better angle? Or to use c-stimulating toys during. I would probably consider this a price of admission though, and not something you can necessarily change.
I really like Bad Girls Bible, and sent it to my BF when we first started dating. They have incredibly in-depth, how-to guides, and you can refer him to the pages that focus on the things you want him to learn.
Honestly, as far as him using his tool, I don’t really think there is any way to completely transform that experience. I’ve had guys with smaller tools try to do like circular motions etc, but at the end of the day it still doesn’t feel the same way that a larger tool might. You may be able to try squeezing very tight to make it feel bigger or positioning your legs so that it comes in at a better angle? I would probably consider this a price of admission though, and not something you can necessarily change.
longer response in mod, but look at Bad Girls Bible the website for instruction manuals to send him. I think the tool-issue isn’t really something you can change though – just have to decide if it’s a dealbreaker and if not, live with it.
Except for actual p in v it doesn’t matter? So having him embrace hands, mouth and toys for all the other kinds of gardening sounds excellent. Perfect set-up for 69. Perfect set-up for lots and lots of Os.
For penetration, you might do better with [email protected] You could also try that while using a toy in v. One of the hands-off couple’s ones that looks like a U for both cl and v stimulation, or one for g-stim, or beads.
Would absolutely not introduce this now, and maybe never, but there are extender toys. No personal experience with them, but they exist. Not a smart thing to introduce now, though, much better to have all the fun with other stuff and not introduce a habit or idea that only something bigger will do.
Got stuck in mod this morning: One of the posts this morning reminded me of a question I wanted to ask the group – what time do you show up for a gathering in someone’s home? DH thinks you should show up exactly at the appointed time if not early (!) because if you’re not 10 minutes early you’re late. I am a punctual person by nature but I have learned to never show up “on time” because ime most people aren’t ready for guests yet and then you awkwardly help the host set up for 30 minutes before anyone arrives. We compromise at 15 minutes “late” unless the invite is more clear. We’re still usually the first people there by a long shot, which I find awkward, plus it requires us to stay much longer than I’d prefer because the people I want to see don’t show up until like 2 hours later.
It doesn’t help my cause that the first party we ever attended together, the couple was mad at us for coming “late” (15 mins after the start time) because unbeknownst to me DH was bringing all the meat to be grilled and everyone was waiting on us (again, for 15 mins). It has been almost 10 years but I have never lived down this incident. Despite the fact that every party we have attended since then, we have been the first people there by 30 mins to an hour or longer. I’ve low key asked my friends to lie to us about the start time because otherwise we will show up too early. SO that’s a long winded way of asking, how do y’all handle this?
Between on time and 15 minutes late. Never show up early, but later than 15 minutes late is rude.
I totally agree. Never early, on time – 15 mins late is the sweet spot, more than 20-30 minutes late is inconsiderate.
Fashionably late drives me crazy. I know I’m the exception and not the rule, but if I’m inviting you to a party that starts at 7, then I will be ready at 7. If I am pulling some apps out of the oven when you get here, that’s fine. I am not super timely when I have to get somewhere so a 15 min window is totally fine, I’d never expect people to show up at 7 on the dot, it’s not a business meeting.
But beyond 20-30 minutes is rude. Honestly, it makes me wonder if people are going to show up at all.
Obvious exceptions are for things that are set up to be an open house or come as you’re able.
Agree with all of this! We have friends who are notoriously 45-60 minutes late, and it drives me absolutely batty.
Oh 45-60 minutes late is SO RUDE
this sounds about right to me.
I agree. I am notoriously punctual for everything. If I end up early to a persons house I will drive around and sit in my car until it’s 5 minutes after the time I’m supposed to arrive. 0-15 min late is good. Never early.
Agree with this. Please don’t be early and deprive me of my last 10 minutes of running around and getting the last things just so.
Geez, these people sound like huge grudge-holders! 15 minutes late, one time, 10 years ago.
Right! And waiting for the meat for 15 mins isn’t that big of a deal!
My husband and I are early people but I think a half hour late is better for the reasons you mentioned but often we are not that “late” and are the first to arrive! If it were solely up to me, I think a half hour late is perfect!
Ugh same! I hate showing up first. So awkward.
It’s awkward for the host first. I once read in an entertaining cookbook that you as the host should say to the first guest(s) “Oh, thank goodness you’re here! Would you mind helping me with….” and then give them a little task – think putting out napkins, not washing dishes – that makes them feel useful and less awkward about being first. I am more often the host than a guest, so I’ve employed this myself, and it always works.
Haha don’t show up early to someone’s home. They’re not expecting you and not ready then. That’s rude.
Be on time to work meetings, restaurant reservations, funerals and court dates. Be a bit late to house parties.
My husband is like yours but it depends on the hosts. If we know hosts are always behind, we adjust accordingly (which is usually the case lol). I actually can’t think of anyone who is punctual like us and when we host (family), we always say start time is earlier than intended. We don’t do it with friends and husband just complains until people arrive.
You are married to my husband. He cannot stand to be anything less than punctual – which is great for most things – but I cannot for the life of me get him to understand that “what time?” “Anytime after 1” does NOT mean “ring the bell at 12:55!”
Mostly our closer friends have figured out that we are insane lol (and would be so very smart to tell us a later start time) and otherwise – where it would be the hugest terrible faux pas – I “forget what time it was” and am “running late.” Which is hard, bc I am normally a punctual person too! And then DH gets pissy and we arrive at the “right” time but mad at each other…
I think it’s universally understood that you show up to a dinner party 10-15 minutes after the start time. If I needed someone to show up on the dot or early (like that meat situation) I would explicitly tell them so. I absolutely lie to people about the start time if they’re notorious for being early or late. Keep doing that with your husband if he won’t listen to reason.
I think 1-15 mins after the start time is best. I don’t mind being there before others because it gives me a chance to visit with the host for a bit! Never, ever early.
That reminds me of an embarrassing moment when I was a summer associate at a law firm. One of the big events was a party at a partner’s house. Everyone told us from the beginning to get there ON TIME EXACTLY because said partner was NOT OKAY with people being even a little late. So, I parked 5 minutes before the party started and sat in my car for 4 minutes, so I could ring the doorbell exactly at the start time. No one else was there, which was confusing. The partner’s wife answered the door with no shoes on. She was very gracious and invited me in. The partner materialized a few minutes later, and we opened the wine together and set out food, etc. At some point during the interaction, he asked me why I had arrived an hour early. It turned out that the time of the party had been changed and whoever sent the correction had forgotten to include me on the updated invite! That was mega awkward, but it ended up working out okay.
Oh man! Not your fault, but I understand why you were mortified.
This really depends on region and culture. The idea of showing up early to someone’s home is so shockingly rude where I am from that it would be the last time someone got an invite, but we also tend to run much later — if a party starts at 7, I will aim to be there between 8 and 8:30 and tend to be one of the earlier people. If I am attending something with a majority white/Anglo crowd, though, I will aim for 15 minutes after the appointed time. But my expectations for a dinner party in Boston and a Saturday night event in Miami are vastly different.
As a host, I like to say something like doors open at 6 pm, and then specify that event X will start at 7 pm on the dot, if there is a point at which I want all guests to have arrived. In this situation I expect no guest to arrive before 6.15 pm, and most after 6.30. If you arrive at 5.50 I’m not opening the door, I’ll be dressing.
If I have guests that are bringing a vital ingredient – I ask them specifically to come at an earlier time than the other guests, to help prepare/unload.
Dr. The Original ...
I moved into an apt complex in mid-September. It has 2 people in the office (manager and leasing agent) and 2 in maintenance (they fix small things and call to schedule subcontractors). I’ve had numerous interactions with all 4 over the time and likely will through the end of the year. All are super nice people. Should I be providing a gift or gift card or cash to them for the holidays? I know that doorpeople in NYC were tipped, which makes me think maybe. I also don’t know if this is commonplace in an apartment complex that’s a corporation-owned place.
If something is to be customary over holidays, what? (If it helps to know, the price of rentals are about $2k for a 1 bdrm up to about $3500 for a 2 bdrm., units were built in the late 80s, rent is paid online, so unless you need maintenance repairs, it’s unlikely people engage with any of the 4 throughout the year except to re-sign a lease.)
I don’t want to come across as over the top, nor ungrateful. I don’t know my neighbors to ask them what they do. I don’t personally celebrate holidays (no family) so it’s not as if I could just share items I already plan to cook or bake or something.
Yes, you tip for goodwill so you get good service in the next year. Based on rent, sounds like it’s not in manhattan so I’d prob just do $50 a person
I’ve never heard of this outside of NYC or at least the type of big city building where you regularly interact with a doorman or maintenance people. In a big corporate complex, I think this would come off as way over the top, and possibly even against company policy, at least for someone like a leasing agent, where they aren’t conventionally tipped and it would feel more like a bribe.
Just adding, I’m sure cookies or candy would be fine, if you want to do something.
Single for a long time with no end in sight and I am craving p3nis. I’ve tried self-gardening and I can get close, but I can never get over the finish line. For me, the enjoyment of gardening (and what I crave) is the dance of it- the early flirting, the increase in intensity of it, the foreplay, the sounds of a partner, the way he looks at me, etc. Without all of that, it’s only physical and though my body will get near the line which is somewhat fun, it only increases the craving, it doesn’t satisfy it and that is worse than not even trying to self-enjoy. Any advice on this or even commiseration?
Get on Tinder and find a hook up!
Get yourself to a bar and start flirting.
This feels like a problem with a solution !
My boyfriend has a friend who’s been a womanizer and makes fratty, degrading comments about women often. He just got into a relationship and has been official for 6 weeks. Apparently, he’s very committed to her.
Do guys like this change once they settle down? I can’t imagine being in a relationship with someone like that, but the girl seems nice. We’re in our late twenties, so wondering if this is something people grow out of. The friend has been really actively searching for a GF, since all of their friends are in relationships and I think he’s a bit competitive…
They might hide it better, but IMHO, these types very rarely change for the long haul.
no, they just have impossible expectations for their wives to miraculously never age
Post again in a few months and let us know how things worked out.
I give it 6 months max before he cheats on her
I think it depends on whether they honestly believe in that stuff or if it’s just coming from a place of insecurity. Insecurity isn’t always easily solved either, but I think people can genuinely grow out of it and become much more pleasant to be around.
Ouch – just realized I screwed up in funding a new CD on Friday. Meant to take $22k from one account and took it from another, now I’m overdrawn by $10k because I can’t get money to the overdrawn account before tomorrow. Nothing like having to write numerous people asking them not to cash checks until tomorrow.
Work travel vent and question. A higher up who is not my boss is requiring his team to travel the week after Thanksgiving and the week after Xmas. The purpose of each trip is not well-developed and there is nothing about the trip reasons that cannot be done at literally any other time of the year. I am being “invited” as a business partner and these invitations are generally mandatory (I have gone on all their other trips this year). I have zero desire for either of these trips as I have an immediate family trip planned for the week after Thanksgiving and I celebrate New Year’s with my extended family. The two work trips were just announced late last week despite the fact that we’re already over on our travel budget. I know for a fact that his team is grumpy about this travel schedule (one of them has to leave daughter’s wedding a day early to make the first trip – and was told it’s not optional!) but don’t have the guts to express it. I can talk to my boss and see if she can push back. How would I talk to my boss about this without sounding like a whiny grumpus with no team spirit?
I would just be matter of fact that you can’t go on these trips because you have vacations planned. It sounds like you’ve gone in the past, so it should be clear that you are not a flake, and most people will agree this is not a reasonable ask without you having to say that.
This. You’re not available because of previously planned vacation.