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Workwear sales of note for 6.02.23:
- Nordstrom – The Half-Yearly Sale has started! See our thoughts here.
- Ann Taylor – $50 off $150; $100 off $250+; extra 30% off all sale styles
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 25% off purchase
- Boden – Sale, up to 50% off
- Cole Haan – Up to 50% off select styles; extra 20% off sandals & sneakers
- Eloquii – 60% off all tops
- Express – 30% off all dresses, tops, shorts & more; extra 50% off clearance
- H&M – Up to 60% off online and in-store.
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off “dressed up” styles (lots of cute dresses!); extra 50% off select sale
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything; 60% off 100s of summer faves; extra 60% off clearance
- J.McLaughlin – The Sale Event: extra 30% off
- Loft – 40% off tops; 30% off full-price styles
- Sephora – Up to 50% off select beauty.
- Shopbop – Up to 60% off sale
- Sue Sartor – Lots of cute dresses on sale!
- Talbots – 25-40% off select styles
Other noteworthy sales:
- CB2.com – Up to 40% off; pop-up sale up to 30% off
- Joss & Main – Up to 60% off, plus an extra 20% off with code
- Tuft & Needle – Save up to $775 on mattresses (Reader-favorite brand; Kat really likes hers!)
- West Elm – Up to 25% off in-stock furniture; up to 60% off clearance
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
- Favorite comfy pants for an overnight plane ride?
- I’ve got a nasty case of tech neck…
- What’s a good place for a relaxing solo escape?
- What’s the best commuter backpack?
- I’m early 40s and worry my career arc is ending…
- I canNOT figure out the proportions in this current season of fashion…
- How is everyone wearing scarves in 2023?
- What shoes are people wearing to work between boot and sandal season?
- What’s a good place for a relaxing solo escape?
- What are some of your go-to outfits that feel current?
- I need more activities that are social, easy to learn and don’t involve extreme running/jumping/etc.
A little *too* busy for my tastes. Also, only available in size 10. FYI.
What kind of shoes would you wear with this sort of dress in warmer weather?
Either nude or BRIGHT.
I’d wear nude shoes. Don’t love the dress though.
I just can’t get behind tribal prints. Don’t like them, don’t want to wear them. This one looks floral from far away (good) but I don’t like the closeup. Also, the site says the model is 5.8 and the dress is too short on her for work, IMO.
Did anyone else see this month’s Elle? In it, there is a column by Joe Zee re: the “new rules” of fashion. And there is a picture of a girl with a dress about 6″ above her knee. It says that for work, “you can wear prints. you can wear short! opaque tights make it OK!” NO! I think all of the Corporettes should write in and give him a piece of our mind. :)
I agree. I’m a law student and right now all the 1Ls are doing their oral arguments at my school. I am seeing tons of girls in the same Banana Republic skirt suit from this season, and the skirts are too short for work/court/interviews on most of them (6″ above the knee). The girls, obviously, have no idea that his is not appropriate because if Banana Republic sold something as a suit, it must be ok, right?
6″ above the knee?? I’m 5’8″ and banana republic skirts hit like 2 inches above my knees.
I’m 5’6″ and they’re short on me!
I think it depends on the length of your rise and of your legs. I have long legs, so need skirts to be much longer in order to hit at the knee.
This. I’m also 5-8, but long legged, and a skirt needs to be 27-28 inches to be knee length for me. BR’s current suiting skirts are 21.5 inches, so that would definitely be in the 6-inch-above-my-knee zone.
I don’t know how it works for me. Maybe because I’m very thin and have no hips! Or maybe I’m kidding myself, and they are too short….I’ll have to try them on when I go home.
Ha, that sort of explains the trend of opaque tights=3 extra inches of coverage I’ve noticed at my office.
Annnnnnnd it’s sold out.
no big loss…
That’s too bad. I really like it. Like another poster, my dresses are all boring, responsible solids, and I’m on the lookout for some fun prints.
I like it but it’s completely sold out now
Good morning ladies. Sorry for the early threadjack, but I need some advice and support from the Corporettes out there.
My BF of 3 years and I ended our relationship last night. Without going into the details, I’m vascilating between feeling hurt/heartbroken and angry/pissed. In general, I feel like crap.
The advice I’m seeking is how to deal with these feelings while at work – specifically, how to handle it when the break-up eventually comes up in coversation. I work at a decent sized firm and there’s group of about 6 of us attorneys who all started around the same time. We’re all friendly, tend to eat lunch together, etc. They all know I had a BF and I’m sure eventually I’ll get asked “How’s your boyfriend doing?”, “Do you two have any plans this weekend?”, or “Where’d that picture of you two go?”.
Any advice on how to handle this and/or otherwise keep my composure at work while I’m dealing with the break-up?
No great advice about how to keep your composure (though read this article about romantic hurt and physical pain http://www.medicinenet.com/script/main/art.asp?articlekey=141310 ).
But, as to dealing with telling people, if you feel especially comfortable with one of them you could tell him/her and ask that they pass it around to the rest. That way people find out without you having to tell EVERYONE, especially if telling people brings on the tears (I know this is a problem for me with similar things.). Its like the good use of gossip!
definitely agree with this advice! if you are close to someone at work you could ask them to relay the news.
My best advice would be to tell the one person at work you’re the closest with, explain that you don’t want to talk about it because you’re upset, and allow them to spread the message for you. Not exactly comparable, but a year ago my dad was sick, and I really didn’t want to talk about it with anyone at work (for fear that I would start to cry at the office) so I told one person, and he kindly and quietly spread the word to the rest of our group. If you don’t think you can talk about it in person without breaking out into tears, try an email.
This is exactly what my secretary asked me to do for her when her sister died of breast cancer. They were only a year apart, and her sister left three young children behind. I told everyone and asked them not to bring it up unless my secretary did. It was such a rough time.
I think the advice to tell one other friendly co-worker and let her/him spread the news and explain you can’t talk about it now is spot on. This happened to me many years ago, and the only thing that kept me from a mental hospital was work. I got up, went to work, stayed as late as possible, went home, drank stolichnaya, sorta slept, got up, went to work and finally, slowly, life moved on.
Take care, be well, we are with you.
I agree with your comment about the therapeutic value of work. We are having some major issues in my family at the moment, and the only thing that is keeping me sane is to work, work, work, and then work some more. It’s about the only time I’m not on the verge of tears; when I’m focused on work issues, I can escape from the family issues. Not healthy as a lifestyle, but definitely helps when the goal is just “getting through it” — whatever your “it” may be.
Ouch! I think that this might be one of the hardest parts of splitting up-hang in there. No miracle answers but I think it might help to decide ahead of time how much you are going to share and how. Have a set response and then determine what you’re going to say to follow-up questions. Or find a joke, like a Seinfeld joke, to use as a follow-up and defer more questions to your “publiscist.”
What I did is deal with it in a matter of fact way. Don’t bring it up, but if it does arise, the last thing you want to do is to start getting choked up about it in front of your co-workers. After all, you work with these people, not live with them. That is not to say you should not have feelings; you just do not show them in front of co-workers. You must appear strongwilled, and not meek.
Of course, once you are among personal friends, you can let your hair down. And as to the guy, forget him. There will be many others. You can surely find a guy who appreciates you more.
I would think if the 6 colleagues are on facebook, a simple relationship status change would give them a clue.
If teh topic comes out you could say you’re a free spirit now jokingly (even if you actually hurt). Or you could go upfront about it and ask your circle of friends/collegaues for a “girls night out” kind of outing to celebrate your newly found freedom and go on the hunt (fake it till you make it).
Yes!!! When I had a bad breakup, the thing that helped me most was to go out dancing. :)
I ended my 4 year relationship about this time last year. As far as keeping your composure at work, find a place that you can cry if needed. Either shut your office door for five minutes, or, even better, take a short walk outside. You won’t feel so much like crying if you’re up and walking around, and being outside tends to help readjust your attitude.
As far as disseminating the information, for now, if it comes up, say “we ended it, but I’d rather not talk about it right now.” If you can’t get those words out without crying, just be vague, “He’s fine.” “No plans.” etc. Or, you could tell your closest work friend that your ended your relationship. That friend will most likely share that fact with the rest of the group.
It sucks now, but it will get better. Trust me, a year later, I’m so glad I’m not with the loser ex anymore. Be sure to do something for yourself. Excercise! Retail Therapy! Join a class! *hugs*
I’m sorry you have to deal with this. Honestly, I think how people deal with break-ups depends on the person. Hopefully you are not like me and don’t cry at the drop of a hat. Try to remind yourself that it is for the best, you will move on, and be better off. If your colleagues bringing it up will make you overly emotional, then it is best to avoid them right now. Just say you are swamped and even if you are crying in your office it’s better than crying in public. Once you are doing okay, then you can mention it to them without getting too upset. Also, it really helps to have supportive friends and family, even if it’s just to watch a movie with someone instead of being alone. Good luck, and I’m sure you will be fine!
Don’t be afraid to take a day off if you can. I know when I went through something like this, I really could not function for a day or two–it was that bad. I needed a mourning period. At the time I felt like that was kind of lame, but you know what? It’s a big deal to end a relationship like that. It’s like a divorce. Own up to how much it hurts and give yourself permission to grieve.
Also: (((hugs))) I’m so sorry.
I’m sorry you’re going though this. Good thoughts that you will start to feel better soon.
JessC, I’m so sorry for you. I’ve been there too, and it’s tough. I tend to err on the vague side, so I never told anyone at work why we broke up. When it finally came up, I did what Anon at 10:41 suggested – just, “we are not together anymore” and “I’d rather not talk about it” or “there’s not much to share.” Even though I did want to talk about it and there was much to share – for me, work wasn’t the place. I wish you the best of luck and a weekend where you can do something for yourself. I KNOW you will get through this.
Good luck – do what you need to do to heal. I’ve had too many friends try to “fight” their need to mourn a lost relationship, and it only prolongs the pain.
And to get through those times when you do just have to buck up and hold it together – when I’m feeling like I’m about to get choked up at an inappropriate time, I flash to the scene in Austin Powers where he’s trying not to be turned on, and says to himself, “Margaret Thatcher on a cold day! Margaret Thatcher on a cold day!” Or the Mary Tyler Moore Show scene where she’s giving the eulogy at a clown’s funeral and cracks up repeating, “A little song, a little dance, a little selzer down your pants.” Sounds corny, but having an autopilot distraction thought has saved me a few times!
found a peanut
awww I like this dress. I have about 7 gray shift dresses in my closet so I am always on the lookout for patterns.
Early threadjack. I have combination skin, and my skin gets particularly oily in the T-zone area. I just returned from a wonderful vacation in an extremely humid and hot climate, and my face looks like an oil slick in many of the pictures! What products do you use to minimize the oil? I used oil blotting papers and they were a temporary relief, but not enough to combat the oil. I have tried Paul Begoun’s matte SPF 15 moisturizer and can’t say that I was too impressed. I have heard good things about her primer for keeping oily skin at bay. Has anyone tried it?
I, too, am interested in hearing people’s responses. I alternate between blotting with Starbucks napkins and the inner part of the bathroom seat cover (thank you, Corporettes, for the advice on that!). The T-zone is my problem too. I’ve wondered also about Bare Escentuals Matte Foundation – I don’t know anyone who has tried it and wonder if it might work for me.
I switched to BE Matte. I definitely prefer it to the original formula, but I can’t guarantee that it will take away “all” of your oil issues. Every little bit helps, though!
Thank you, Emily I, for the response. You are right – every little bit helps!
BE matte works well for me for a few hours, but it definitely doesn’t last all day. If I have an event after work, I bring it around with me for a touch up.
This is going to sound super weird, but try Monistat chafing cream. If you google it, you’ll see lots of explanations. It’s a great makeup primer and really reduces oiliness. I use it with a dusting of Clinique mineral foundation on top of it and it works all day.
Sounds crazy, but jojoba oil used in conjunction with the Oil Cleansing Method. I have an extremely oily t-zone and it’s been something that has really helped my skin regulate the amount of sebum it produces. Jojoba oil evidently has the same composition/ph as sebum, so it tricks the skin into not making more. It took a while for it to be effective, but it has made my skin look AMAZING. I only do it at night.
Co-signed. I have combination skin, oily T-zone and have become a jojoba oil addict. And it’s inexpensive, to boot.
Wow, I had never heard of this Oil Cleansing Method before and just looked it up now. What an interesting concept. I have both castor and EVOO at home, so I’m tempted to try it and see what happens. Thanks for all of the recommendations, ladies.
Make sure you give it time to work – it definitely takes about a week or so for your face to adjust. Also, if you don’t get good results with your initial blend, consider changing it up before ditching hte program. Right now, my go-to formula is 60% castor oil, 25% grapeseed oil, 10% jojoba oil, and 5% vitamin E oil. I mix it together in a larger container so I can just squeeze some out instead of playing apothecary every night.
I ordered samples of this the other day with a refill of something else I use from them, so I’ll give it a test run when it gets here.
The damn shiny face has been my nemesis for decades and although it is WAY better since I started using the OCM (oil cleansing method) with olive oil, it’s still a pain 47. Sigh.
I recently started using this, after using a sample I had gotten, and I think it’s fantastic, Dermalogica Clearing Mattifier: http://reviews.dermalogica.com/1012/48/dermalogica-clearing-mattifier-reviews/reviews.htm
It has a similar feel to Smashbox Photo Finish but is MUCH better at controlling oil – I can put it on in the morning, and only around 3 p.m. do I start to get a little shiny, which I then fix with a blotting paper or some powder. It’s the best primer I’ve tried so far and doesn’t dry my skin out, or leave the makeup sitting on top of my skin in a slick. I have seen samples sold on eBay if you want to try it before you buy the big tube.
The Monistat chafing cream is supposed to be the almost same as Smashbox Photo Finish (in ingredients), I wonder if it’ll work as well as that one. My tube of Monistat was like $3.5.
The Dermalogica one has an anti-acne ingredient in it that I think really helps, that wouldn’t be in the Monistat – but I’d love for some Corporette to do a side-by-side comparison of some of these products and report back! :)
I do use that! I think it works well. I also like Laura Mercier oil-free primer; but I think Paula’s Choice is cheaper.
Be careful if you’re prone to clogged pores; Paula’s Choice (like most products) has parabens.
I have this problem, too, and I’ve been using the BE Matte foundation. It’s not perfect, but it helps. And I try to look on the bright side – oily skin takes years and years longer to get wrinkly! My oily-skinned mom looks easily ten years younger than she is.
Any advice on how to handle that awkward period after you’ve given notice but before you start a new position? I’m still in my 20’s and the new job is a serious promotion from my current gig. It means I will be overseeing the work of my current colleagues, and will have a great deal of power over funding decisions. Even those who are proud of me are kind of “curious” how I managed to land it. It took lots of networking, good timing, and old-fashioned hard work. It’s hard to be excited because I’m anxious that something will fall through or the new job won’t work out (even though these concerns have no basis in fact). Is this normal?
Yep. I’m right with you. In my early 30s and about to do something similar (though I’m switching jobs entirely) and I still wake up in the middle of the night thinking it’ll all fall apart. It’s normal. Just be gracious and helpful to people who want to know “how you did it,” and try to enjoy the calm before you have increased responsibilities. Congratulations! :)
Well, they are probably wondering out of curiosity, envy, or both, which is entirely understandable. Heck, when people left BigLaw to go to in-house gigs, I always wondered how they did it as well. I would just respond with some humility and tell them that you were “lucky,” even though of course you put in a lot of work and deserved to get the new job. Don’t feel anxious about the new job – I hate to be cynical, but even dream jobs are still jobs and this new one won’t be perfect either, but hopefully it will be your best yet. I agree with the comment that if you can help give advice to others who want to leave (if that’s what they are angling for), it would be much appreciated. Not everyone knows how to network.
Threadjack– (maybe more for the mba corporettes)
I have a 2nd round interview for a dream job coming up (a 2 year rotational program at a company i’m actually obsessed with). The process sounds really intense, yet vague, and I was wondering if you had any ideas what it might mean.
The first part of the interview is competency based, which I assume is the same as a behavioral — “tell me about a situation in which x, what are your weaknesses, etc.”
The second part, however, is something they’re describing as ‘idea generation,’ in which I’ll be given a problem set at a fake company and have 3 hours or so to evaluate it, create a solution, create an implementation plan, and submit a written report and presentation outlining my idea.
I’ve done very basic case interviews before (I’m only 1 year out of undergrad), but I don’t think I’ve ever come across something like this. Have any of you ever encountered this sort of activity? What might they be looking for in the written report and presentation (aside from good ideas, of course)? Any strategies?
I really want to do well at this (it’s on Monday!), so I’d appreciate any and all advice!
The “competency based” portion could very well be scenarios or it might even be knowledge testing, like up to and including an actual test.
Do you know what kind of problem they’re going to ask you to create a solution for? A “business problem” could be anything from a financial shortfall to a personnel issue.
Take a look at back issues of HBR – each issue has a short case with a problem, and then 2-4 “experts” give their opinions as to the solution. Since the experts sometimes disagree, it’s a good way to see different ways to assess and think about a problem. These types of cases are often used in executive MBA programs, so they may also mimic what you will get. Your library should /might have back issues.
Thanks for your response!
I assumed it would be more behavioral because this is a program targeted towards very recent graduates (graduating this year/last year), who they can’t assume will have that much business experience. And it’s in person, so I don’t think it will be a test.
The problem is distressingly vague. Really, the only informationgiven was that “it will be an exersize set in a fictional company, and you’ll be asked to conduct an evaluation of the presented problem… ”
The program seems to have a pretty broad management focused, so I was wondering if there are any extremely common management or company issues that often come up and might be expected.
Sounds like they are trying to get a sense for your analytical skills. So obviously the solution you develop will be evaluated, but they will also want to understand the process you went through the arrive at the solution.
I have had similar interiews (though I have typically been given the problem ahead of time and had more time to prepare the answer). My advice is to keep the solution simple. If you make the solution complicated and technical, you could very easily become caught in the weeds and details during the presentation.
This sounds like something you’d see in a capstone business class. Most of our case problems were basically looking for you to find a way to make the company more money. This could be by reducing costs through any number of means (leaner manufacturing, lay-offs, price negotiations with suppliers, etc.), increasing sales (through advertising, promotions or entering a new market), or dealing with capacity issues (like needing to open or close a branch, decrease/increase budgets for certain areas, etc.). Basically, just testing to see if you can use a “business mind”.
We always found it best to approach the case from different business perspectives to see which problems/opportunities jumped out. For example, as a marketer, that’s my first place to look. If it all seems a little boring, I move on to another perspective. One case had a glaring issue in operations. Though it is not my area of expertise, I have enough general business knowledge to see the problem and offer some high-level solutions. I think Boston Consulting Group has some sample interview questions that you might want to work through, as they do a very similar interview style.
I’m not a business person, but the “idea generation” part of the project sounds like the multi-state essay part of the Bar exam for lawyers. For that essay, one thing that really helped me was planning my time in advance; I will spend x minutes reading the problem, x minutes outlining my answer, x minutes drafting my answer, and x minutes proofreading. This was really important because it forced me to take time to think through the answer, instead of starting to write and then changing my mind. You might want to devise a similar time-management strategy before showing up to the interview.
Does anyone have any good anniversary gift ideas that are less than $150? My boyfriend and I have been dating a year next week, and I want to get something good, but I’m going to have to take some days without pay soon, so I’m working with a limited budget. He likes golf, so I’ve thought about a new wedge, or a romantic night in a hotel, but I feel like there must be better ideas out there. Thanks in advance!
found a peanut
my go-to gift for men is sports tickets. If he likes sports, buy two tickets to see his favorite team/sport and either go with him or tell him to pick a friend. I do this all the time for my brother and dad (it works nicely because they just go together).
Or concert tickets!
Seems like budget considerations should be made and perhaps think about “coupons” to do something together … so it’s consumable. If he likes golf and you could too, perhaps tickets to a tournament nearby? Or reservations at a restaurant he really enjoys or wants to try out? Wine tasting classes – together? Cooking classes – together (leisure learning type so it’s brief and inexpensive)? Memory building, rather than items, may be more romantic and better received, especially if it turns out you’re the gift-er and not a recepient of a token of endearment. The idea of a new wedge is nice, but it’s a personal choice and reminds me of the “Raymond” sitcom about giving someone a gift that takes time away from you/couple time and then complaining about it :)
I agree that experience gifts are the best kind- perhaps find something he’s wanted to do for a while but hasn’t gotten around to doing. Try to stay away from something he already does regularly- e.g. if he goes to baseball regularly, getting him tickets to a game might not be that special.
Homemade baked goods and yourself in sexy lingerie?
In seriousness (although – the above was serious too), give him some sort of activity that you two can do together. Preferably something he really enjoys, even if you don’t enjoy it that much, so long as you can go along with him and have a good time without whining.
The ladies above offer excellent advice about tickets. My husband and I are golfers, so if you decide that you want to give him a golf gift, I would caution against clubs (wedge, putter, etc) because they vary widely based on the golfer’s taste and level of game. A better idea might be to give him a lesson or a fitting for the clubs, but I do think tickets to an event is a better idea than clubs.
When my husband and I were dating, for his birthday, I gave him a collection of things that he used/liked, and he still thinks it was the most thoughtful gift I have ever given him. He loves popcorn, so I bought him a large popcorn bowl and stuffed it with golf balls (the brand he likes), a tee-shirt for the football team he loves, a divot tool, hand towels embroidered with the kind of dog he had, etc. The whole thing cost about $100 to $125. Now, of course, I just phone it in and get him gift certificates. Ha!
You guys are awesome! I love the experience ideas, we love to cook together,so a cooking class for something new would be great! (and sexy lingerie too :) and Bridget, I was scared of the wedge for the reasons you mentioned, I don’t golf, so when I started looking into it, I was amazed at how many different things you have to know!
I’m thinkin’ a sexy buck knife: a manly man tool-toy. And they really are useful. Go to a sports store; gun shop; or cop-supply house. Let’s not explore how I know where to buy such things. Or why I admire them.
for our first anniversary my partner made me a photo album of all of the photos of us together that we’d taken in the past year, or photos of ourselves that we’d e-mailed each other when we were long distance. it was super sweet and definitely one of my most treasured gifts!
That’s what I made for my fiance on our first dating anniversary. He liked it a lot (until he left it in a hot car and the pages melted together…I might order a new one from shutterfly for sentimental purposes).
Oh my gosh what a great idea! I may have to do that too!
I remember there was some discussion on this board about COBRA coverage and having 60 days to elect to use coverage… can anyone point me to a good resource that explains this? I’m clueless. TIA!
Google gave me this: http://www.understandcobra.com/60-day-rule-in-electing-a-cobra.html
Ugh thanks. I kept coming up with those US Gov fact sheets that are about the opposite of helpful.
I’ve got a case interview tomorrow and know that I have to both seem calm and confident and actually feel that way to avoid deer-in-headlights syndrome. Any advice for how keep serious nerves under control for a few hours and not focus on the weight of the day?
Meditation can really help, but you probably don’t want to jump into something new right now. Try some breathing exercises for calmness:
Take a few very deep breaths. Inhale as much as you can (you can inhale even more than you think you can) then exhale completely and with control. Do this 3 to 5 times.
Do some interval breathing. Inhale for 3 counts, pause, and then exhale for 6, with control (5-10 times); then in for 4 and out for 8; then in for 5 and out for 10.
I have a two-fold question…
There is a department that I am especially interested in working in, it is a strategy group. I find the work interesting and know I have skills to be good at it. I have headed up several projects that are in the realm of this group in other jobs, but no concrete experience such as consulting with Booz Allen and to make things more complicated my education was in a different field. I am thinking of approaching the director of this group for an informational interview, what approach should I take in requesting the iinformational interview?
Now the second part of the question, I moved from a smaller metro area to a BIG Northeast city, my previous work experience was with small companies with thatperform service work that is thought of as menal for one job and the other is associated with DMV. How do I combat the stigma of the idea of these companies.
Just saw this company mentioned in the NYT and I looooove their shoes. Very odd, but not too ugly – would be really neat for the weekend!!!
I’ve been obsessed with their Block pumps for over a year. I finally went to try them on and they were very narrow in the toe box. I desperately wish that they fit!
I’m in love with Low Res. With a conservative outfit, I think they’re totally work appropriate. Block too.
I have a fulltime position at a mid-size nonprofit. I’m also pursuing my master’s degree part time, and my colleagues have been very supportive of my schooling, to the point that I structure my workweek around my class schedule, working through lunch five days a week and staying late once a week to make up for the five hours per week I spend in class. (I know this schedule has nothing on those of our more corporate-minded Corporettes, but everyone in my office knows that I go out of my way to more than make up for the time I spend out of the building.)
My class this afternoon was canceled. Given that my work schedule is already so tightly structured around my leaving at 3 PM on Thursdays, I mentioned to my boss that I thought I might leave at the same time today to go work on my big research project. He seemed less than thrilled at the prospect, saying that though he understood my logic, he was “leaving it to you to decide.” Admittedly, *his* desk is overflowing, as he’s just been out of the office for two days, but I have had very little on my plate for some weeks now, and he knows that.
Am I in the clear to make my own decisions and use my suddenly free two hours to go get work done? Or would it be more appropriate to stay at work where I will make my boss happy but likely do little more than respond to emails and surf Corporette?
Can you work on your research project at work during downtime, so you are available in case someone needs help?
Eh, kind of. I don’t have all of my materials here, but I could certainly do something.
That feels like such a . . . toothless compromise, though. Not to take the good idea out of your suggestion, but I would get far more done on the project if I went home or to the library, and I would get far more done at work if I had actual work to do. Staying at work to deal with my project feels like a disservice to both ends of the spectrum, although it may be my most politic option.
I would work on your project as best you can from work, as well as taking care of any online errands (eg paying bills, scheduling appts, etc.) that you can do at work, in the time that you have, so as to avoid boss’s opprobrium.
And next time, if class is cancelled, don’t tell boss ahead of time, then just go to ‘class’ as usual and do your project work at the library.
Yeah, I would avoid sharing this kind of info in the future…your boss doesn’t need to know and now you just created a perception problem for yourself. When it comes to talking about activities outside work with your boss, less information is usually better.
Opprobrium. Excellent word. :)
I really like this dress, but I didn’t look at the pattern up close since it’s sold out.
Also, I know there is a website that compiles people’s funny exit memos/last day of work emails but I can’t remember what it is…help a 3L procrastinate! If you know what it is please let me know! TIA.
You’re thinking of: http://www.lastdayemails.com/
Unless there’s another website that does the same.
I’m curious as to whether any readers have been the subject of gossip in the workplace, and how they dealt with it.
For context, I was recently made aware that two men at my former shop (in the same small legal community) were having watercooler talk (via email) about the fact that I had had sex with someone — 3.5 years ago, when I was single, with another single person my age, who lived in another city. I was introduced to the guy by one of the guys at the proverbial watercooler, who happens to be in his late 70s and is semi-retired from that firm. Perhaps because of this man’s advanced age, and my perception of the guy I went out with, I never dreamed this information would be shared. Hearing about it more than three years later, I was gobsmacked. “How many people has he said this to over the course of three years? Why was this communicated via email?”
Granted, this isn’t the firm where I currently work, and the subject of the gossip is completely vanilla by today’s standards. But it really got my goat. I toyed with calling the old, dirty gossip and giving him a piece of my mind, but exercised my better judgment.
Ladies, what would you do/have you done if you came to the realization that you were the subject of workplace gossip?
if you’re still in touch with either the guy you went out with or the man who introduced you two, i don’t think it would be totally uncalled for to email them individually and mention that you had overheard something personal about you and were hurt by the gossip.
either way though, hold your head high. you didn’t do anything that you should be ashamed of, and if anyone should be embarrassed it’s the men involved in this, who are still talking about one private incident that happened YEARS ago.
Really? No I do not think you can call someone and tell them you are hurt they talked about a true thing that did happen. Does it suck? Yes. Immature? Yes. Can you do anything about it? Or course not! You did have sex with the guy. Its upsetting and hurtful, but people gossip all the time. You have nothing to be ashamed of, I would just roll your eyes to yourself and move in.
I don’t see anything out of line about calling someone on their gossiping and asking them not to. I would be super blunt about it, personally. I’d call the old man and say “hey, I heard you and x were talking about the fact I had sex with y.” I don’t really think that is any of your business or anything to be shared. I’d prefer if you keep my sex life out of your office gossip.
And they will add details about you/one/her being a sterotypical “crazy” woman in addition to a stereotypical saucy woman.
None of it fair or acceptable.
All of it eternal.
Best course no fuel to fire.
Right, what solution are you going to get from that? You’ve just let them know that you know, and they will say they are sorry, but what, you are going to stop gossip in the office? Have you never talked about someone behind their back? Drinking problem, womanizing, whatever. Of course its not this guy’s business, obviously, but what solution do you get by telling him? If someone got wasted at dinner, and found out people where talking about it, they can’t say please don’t talk about that. They did it. People are going to talk about.
sorry, should have been more clear – i think it’d only be appropriate to get in touch with them if a) you know the person to be the source of the gossip and b) were still friendly enough with them to have a candid conversation. if you are just acquaintances or not in touch anymore than i agree that it would probably make the situation worse.
Don’t call them or anything. It sucks to be the object of gossip, but if you called them they would probably think you were that nutso girl. If they were talking about your having had sex with someone when it didn’t happen, that’s another story, but they’re just remarking on something that did happen.
Don’t do anything. If you confront them, they’ll think you’re being defensive and the gossip will get worse. Just consider it something that’s not worth your time to even notice.
I would not do anything, and I have been the subject of a lot of workplace gossip over the years. In some places, just being friends with opposite sex coworkers is enough to start the gossip mill. It’s annoying, but I am not going to add fuel to the fire by mentioning anything.
FWIW, this happened to me at my first job out of college. I was younger than most of my collegues and promoted quickly which lead to speculation that I was sleeping my way up. It was incredibly frustrating and hurtful. I just ignored it whenever possible, but when it became clear my superiors were aware of the rumor I made a point of acknowledging that I knew it existed. I figured at least at that point I could illustrate that I wasn’t clueless and hopefully that I was handling the situation maturely and professionally. I don’t think this applies so directly in your case, but I feel your pain!
I’m twenty-five and still a virgin, not a technical virgin, an actual virgin. It’s nothing I’m ashamed of and I always knew I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex. The problem is whenever someone finds out they look at me differently. Friends think it’s lame and when I date I try and avoid the whole thing by saying I don’t sleep with a guy until I know I’m in a serious relationship. It gets tricky after a month or so because when I say I’m not ready they joke and say, “What are you, a virgin or something?” At that point I say, “Yes, I am.” He usually gets a look of horror on his face or seems turned on by it, neither of which I’m comfortable with.
I know these aren’t guys I want to be with and break things off before they can. But what about my friends, guys and girls, why is this so weird for them to accept? I don’t judge them for having sex, why is it okay for them to judge me for not having sex?
Any feedback you can give me is greatly appreciated. This is something I’ve struggled with since high school and am so close to telling them off but don’t want to be rude like they are. Please share your insight with me!!!
Hmm. Maybe your friends are coming from a different ideological place than you are? When I was dating, it was very unusual for people of that age to be virgins. The one exception was with people who were ultra-religious, and we (non-virgins) didn’t think it was odd for them given their belief system. Perhaps you might try meeting people through your church/temple, if you have one, or another religiously-oriented organization?
Are your friends giving you a hard time about it, or do they just give you the impression that they don’t accept you/your decision to remain a virgin? You could try to parry any critical comments with something like “Actually, I’m very happy with my sex life” or “my sexual status is none of your business”, depending on how funny/serious you want to be about it. But if they are picking on you for it and don’t respond to your requests not to discuss it, then they aren’t very good friends.
Btw, my choice has nothing to do with religion. It has to do with only wanting to be with one man, my husband. Antiquated belief maybe but it’s how I feel.
Hi, Anon V. This is Anon, from the comment above yours, about getting gossipped about for having sex with another consenting, single adult. The good news for you is that, as a virgin, no one is going to talk behind your back or chastise you about what you do in the bedroom. Instead, they may judge you for what you *don’t* do. Having been a virgin for the first 25 years of my life (at which point I decided that I was no longer going to wait for a husband), I can tell you which gossip scenario I prefer.
The eternal dilemma for women is this: If you are unmarried and having sex (even in this age of sexual “liberation”), you may very well be gossipped about/judged. As an adult, if you are still upholding the ideal of only having sex with your future husband, you may get dogged for that (maybe a bit more so).
The moral of the story is that you should hold your head high with whatever choice you make with your body. As for staying a virgin in your late 20s, there are plenty of positives to that.
Anon V – I, too, am an “old” (i.e., late-twenties) virgin, and I do know what you mean about feeling judged for it. I am not particularly open about my status – certainly not, for example, with co-workers – but I’ve started to feel some judgment even from my closest friends, who do know, which kind of sucks, especially since one of them remained a virgin until she turned 26. My only advice is to try to think of your situation in a positive light – it takes strength to stay true to your principles in the face of enormous social pressure to do otherwise, and that’s a good thing! Maybe just thinking about it in those terms (in your own mind) will help you feel better around your friends.
I don’t mean to be rude, but I’ve known two kinds of 25 year old virgins – the ones who are very uptight about any physical contact and get upset easily over any perceived sexual joke or mention, and the ones who have made peace with being “unusual.”
Is there a possibility you fall into the first category? For instance, if a guy touches your arm, how do you respond? If a guy tries to give you a hug, do you hug back or do you stiffen up and say something awkward? When friends are making sexual jokes, do you try to stop them? If so, try talking with some of your friends, and see how they actually view you. You might be surprised; they might be inclined to not consider your sexual status at all, but they feel like you make a big deal about it, and it makes them feel awkward.
If you’re in the second category, I echo the suggestion to try to find a social group that shares your views, possibly through a church or religious-study group. It might also be a good way to find a guy who doesn’t expect sex after a month of dating!
Sounds like you’re doing everything right. You’ll know you’ve met the right guy when he has the right reaction to your telling him you’re a virgin. Until then, just keep dating and stick to your principles.
I think you need to speak up with your friends. Everyone has a “thing” they get teased about even by close friends. If it happens to be something you’re sensitive about, it can be really hard to shrug it off every. single. time. they mention it. Just say “hey guys, I’m getting really tired of my virginity being a thing. I don’t judge you for whatever you do with your sex lives and I would appreciate it if we stopped mentioning mine.” Sometimes they honestly don’t realize it bothers you.
And it’s ok to let your friends tease you about it for a while, and then tell them that it’s enough. You don’t lose your right to speak up if you let it go on for a while. (This isn’t adverse possession in property class or whatever.)
I have close friends who have teased my about my romantic choices for years. Just last night I told them it bothered me. Today they came to me and apologized. That’s what good friends do.
Just wanted to chime in. I got married when I was 26 and my husband was 30. We were both virgins until our wedding night. I wouldn’t do it any differently.
But my reasons were religious, so it was super easy to explain (when explanation was ever asked for–which was rare). And I dated within my religious community (usually people I met at church or connected to over faith), so it was never something I needed to explain to a boyfriend.
Honestly, I have to wonder if people are a little bit envious of your confidence. I had one friend in law school who insisted I was somehow incomplete as a person because I had not “discovered” the sexual side of me. Personally? I think he was just trying to get into my pants…
I’m in the same boat, but I just laugh off whatever judgment your friends give you. After all, I’m sure you don’t approve of all their relationship choices!
As for the guys, well, the ones who are turned off won’t stick around (and so what?) and the ones who are “turned on”… well perhaps you need to figure out what this reaction actually is. If they’re just interested in punching your V-card, they’re not for you. However, in my experience, some men are genuinely attracted to and impressed by a woman that has chosen to wait.
Also, make sure you’re open to some form of physical intimacy (decide for yourself where that line is), but you need the chemistry to make a relationship work.
And yes, there are virgins out there who aren’t sexually repressed. For one reason or another we chose not to go “all way” but can enjoy healthy physical relationships.
This makes me think of the Grey’s Anatomy episode where they find out April Kepner is a virgin and start to tease her but then she lights into every single one of them about the secrets they all keep. It shut them up pretty fast. :)
Not a Public Records Request
First of all, you really don’t have to talk about your romance/sex life with friends if you don’t want to. I’m a private person in this respect. I am not a virgin, but I feel like my romantic life is my business and I have no obligation to share it with friends if I don’t want to. It really frustrates me when friends I’ve known a few months seem to expect me to spill my guts.
As for guys, I think you do need to accept it’s unusual to be a virgin at 25 and they may be curious or perplexed as to why you are making the decision. This reaction is normal in any case where you have an unusual situation. I’m allergic to alcohol and some of the reactions I get are incredibly insulting and disrespectful. People feel like they need to “cure” me (I am in my 30s and am at peace with it) and I have no interest. I am guessing you get similar reactions, and you just have to hold your head high.
You say your friends are not okay with this choice? I don’t think they are true friends. I know two women who are virgins in their early/mid twenties and another who was a virgin when she was in her early twenties. I am extremely respectful of their decision and would never say anything offensive. Friends should support you and your decisions as long as they are healthy. If I were you, I would tell them that it is your choice, you are not hurting anyone by it, and they should respect your decision. If they can’t accept this, then they do not deserve your friendship.
Yes! I totally feel the same way as you about friends not being accepting of virginity at an older age. I’m a virgin but not by choice and I feel obliged to lose it ASAP so I’m not perceived as weird. In fact, only two people know I’m a virgin because I’m good at hiding it. I’ve overheard those friends gossiping about how “weird” it is (I’m 23). Why can’t they accept it? I really resent them for it. It has actually caused me to grow further away from them.
I also wanted to say you should either go ahead and lose it to get over the stigma or only date men with similar moral values to you. Realistically, nobody our age waits to have sex anymore unless they are uber-religious or very socially awkward.
“Realistically, nobody our age waits to have sex anymore unless they are uber-religious or very socially awkward.”
I would challenge that statement. You get that impression from the media, but I just don’t believe it. I’ve met lots of confident, socially mature people who are not “uber-religious” and were virgins in their 20’s, 30’s, or even older. You should not feel pressured into such a personal decision just because “everybody else is doing it.”
And to me, too little sex carries FAR fewer potentially serious consequences than too much. I respect your decision.
I disagree…I am 23 and in a relationship of X years (I feel like I might out myself because it is a bit unusual) — I am definitely not socially awkward or uber-religious. Actually — the number of people in this age group who are still virgins, and I don’t think all of them are “sad losers”.
Also, my current boyfriend is NOT a virgin, but has managed to remain celibate all these years! He respects me enough not to tell me to do otherwise.
*the number of people in this age group who are still virgins is growing, is what I meant to say.
Lost V long ago
I don’t agree with J either.
Believe me, there are a lot more women out there that regret decisions *to* have sex than regret decisions *to not* have sex.
Ok so maybe I’m wrong but a lot of my post was born of several years of frustration. I passed up a few opportunities along the way because I don’t want to settle and now I feel like I’m behind. Several of my friends have had 10-20 sex partners already. Of course, I usually think I’ve been making the right choices, but I don’t have any friends who are virgins and it’s leading me to think there must be something wrong with me. Didn’t mean to project my issues on OP- not all virgins are awkward or religious. I’m not- just too picky, I guess.
anon for this
I remember feeling like the world’s oldest virgin also — I had wanted to wait for someone I truly loved, but by 23 I just hadn’t found him, and just felt like it was getting in the way. So fairly early on in one relationship, I decided, ok, tonight’s the night — weirdly enough after seeing the Vagina Monologues — and we “did it.” I did not tell him in advance, just figured we’d take the bandaid approach and, um, rip it off. He guessed afterward and was upset with me for not telling him I was a virgin, to which I said, well, it’s the kind of decision you only have to make once in your life, and I’m sorry if you thought I made the wrong one.
We dated for about six months after that. It wasn’t so much that we “broke up” as we just kind of let it end when I went off to school. I don’t have many regrets about it, to be honest — he wasn’t Prince Charming but he wasn’t bad for a first boyfriend. I never loved him.
Fast forward about nine years from that, and I got married. There were about 3 more guys before my husband, and I DO regret those. Not because they weren’t nice, but again: I never loved them, and I hate knowing now that I was intimate with guys who I didn’t love and didn’t marry. Weirdly enough I don’t feel that way about my first.
Not sure what I’m trying to say with all this, just that you’re not alone. I got some modicum of confidence from sleeping with #1 — I no longer felt like a freak, and I felt like that allowed me to be open to new relationships. But you don’t actually need to sleep with someone to get that confidence. Just know that you’re not a freak, and you don’t need to have sex before you’re serious about someone.
This was a really great response. Thanks for sharing :)
Thank you all so much for you comments, they really made me think about why other people react the way they do. I guess people think it’s weird I’m a virgin because I’m not uber-religious or a socially awkward prude. I just want to save my v-card for that one special person and am willing to put up with the flak people give me. You are all awesome for sharing your experiences with me, thank you!!!
Your body, your choice
It might seem easier said than done, but honestly, it’s your body and your choice. You really should give a rat’s about what other people think of you because you’re making the right choice for you. I was intimate with my now-husband before marriage but he was only true, serious relationship I ever had (in addition to one HS boyfriend), and we married young amidst other people ‘hooking up’ and not really understanding how you could meet somebody at 17, be with them for years, marry them, and be perfectly content to be with them and keep being only with them. My approach when people were weird about it was to basically not care. Sometimes this took different forms- I might ignore them, I might give a polite response, I might be snarky- but ultimately I took pride in the fact that my approach to intimacy was right for me and what I/my husband wanted. Have confidence in yourself and your beliefs!
Also, sometimes I think people act weird towards virgins/not as sexually active people out of spite. Women sometimes I think feel judged (even if you aren’t judging them at all), as if you’re saying by your existence that you’re better than them because you don’t sleep with people they do. Some women I think wish they could be more like you secretly and are justifying their own regrets with the whole ‘you’re a weird/awkward person but I am sexually pleasured’ mindset. With men, I find a lot of them honestly are intruiged by the virgin thing, either because they have some strange desire to make you not a virgin and or perhaps because they don’t know why their own manliness doesn’t make you want to lose it to them (so many men I think are used to women putting out easily- another discussion but I think it’s true). Maybe I’ve just met a lot of catty women and a lot of heartless men, but I think these are mindsets that are out there and that make it hard to be somebody like you up against them..
Because there are these people out there, there isn’t much you can do to combat it. They will be as they will be. And you, just be proud, confident, and happy that you are making life choices that are right for you and will be right for your future partner. That is all that matters.
I also have a threadjack. My husband (who has struggled on and off with mild depression and takes meds for it) has been unemployed for about a year. What he really wants to do is to be in law enforcement. In our old city, he was a Sheriff’s Reserve which is kind of like the Army Reserve in that you are trained and uniformed and they call you to work when they need the extra help. He is extremely well-qualified to be a police officer as a result of his years of training in the Reserves.
Unfortunately, hiring for police departments in our city involves a written test and then everyone who passes the test is placed on a referral list in a randomly determined order. Last night he found out his lottery number and it is about as bad as it could get. It will likely be at least three years now before he will even have the possibility of being hired.
He has been waiting for this job for the three years I was in law school and we weren’t in a city we were going to stay in permanently. He is understandably upset about his terrible luck and is really pessimistic about his life plans. Financially, I make more than enough money for us to live on so finances aren’t really an issue (though it would always be nice to have another income). My problem is that I have always been a planner and a type-A personality and my life has thus far worked out pretty much how I planned it (I know that it won’t always be this way). I have been very lucky in many ways – exactly the opposite of my poor husband.
I really don’t know what to do to help him deal with this situation. He’s not someone that loves to talk about “feelings” and my way of dealing with things is quite different than his. I want to help him get through this situation and move on to find something worthwhile to do for the three years that he will be waiting to be called up, but I’m not sure how to go about doing it because I’ve never really dealt with this type of disappointment (yet).
Any other Corporettes have experience helping loved ones deal with major professional disappointments? Any advice or insight would be very much appreciated…
I’m not in the same situation, but I have had similar concerns because my fiance moved with me to an area that doesn’t have many law jobs so that we could live together during my clerkship. He is volunteering at legal aid (not in his primary area of interest), doing some contract work for a solo practitioner (again, not in his area of interest), and pursuing a programming project (a hobby of his that has income generation potential in the future). My advice based on our experience is to encourage your husband to pursue anything he thinks he might be interested in and to piece things together if there’s not one thing in particular he could see himself doing. Since he’s set on what he wants to do long term, I don’t think trying to find one thing to satisfy him until he can work in law enforcement will necessarily work.
He might want to pursue building skill sets that will be useful to him when he is able to get onto the police force where you live. Maybe a lifesaving course or even an EMT basic course at a community college? If your area has a large population of non-native English speakers, maybe he can try to pick up some of the commonly spoken language? I don’t mean to say that he needs to build his qualifications, I am suggesting these things so he feels like he’s still on track for what he wants to do and not just waiting around.
Is there any chance he can do something else while he awaits his place? I know that this is what he wants to do ultimately, but if it’s out of his reach right now for reasons he is unable to control, what about focusing on something else, either to 1) occupy him/provide extra income now or 2) do something that may enable him to be better prepared for the job he ultimately wants? For instance, if he wants to be in law enforcement, maybe he could get work in security or in some other related field; or maybe something physical to just keep in good shape; or perhaps even taking some criminology type classes, part time. In other words, do something concrete to keep busy while he is deferred from the dream job.
As for how to help, I can only say that from personal experience — the one thing I really appreciated when I was unemployed for a period of time, was my SO not making a big deal about it. It was really jus nice to not have the constant, “let’s talk about this . . . what jobs did you apply for today . . . etc . . .” On the other hand, if I wanted to talk about something, my SO was always happy to listen. It’s a tricky line to walk, being there to listen without trying to give someone to-do lists, and I appreciated how it was handled.
Is the city his only option for law enforcement? Is there a separate county sheriff or the option to work for state law enforcement? That may be a better bet if it’s that vs waiting for 3 years, even if it means a longer commute time. What about volunteer opportunities with law enforcement?
Or the feds? E.g. a US Marshall? No idea what the requirements are for that though.
Another option to look into would be corrections, or private security firms.
He would love to be a US Marshall or anything with the Feds but the requirements are a lot more strict and he was hoping to use the CPD job to get experience and then move over to one of the agencies.
Thanks for these suggestions! Unfortunately, hiring is just really slow for all law enforcement agencies right now because of city/state budget cuts. He is applying for some suburban agencies and the TSA. The real problem is that he spent a lot of his early twenties taking a very winding road to deciding what to do with his life. He worked in sales and gradually got his degree (but it took him a long time) and then when he got laid off we couldn’t move yet because I had to finish law school so he couldn’t really start looking for a law enforcement job.
I think I just feel a lot of guilt because he definitely put his life on hold in a lot of ways so that I could pursue my career goals. The expectation was that when we finally moved and my career had begun then he would be able to start his. Now this bump in the road is delaying his career even further while mine is taking off. He’s happy for (and proud of) me but I’m sure this adds to his frustration…
Does he know how you feel? That may be part of what you can do. Let him know you love him and that you’re feeling his disappointment with him.
I’m in a somewhat analogous situation in that my husband has been trying to start his own business for the last 1 year, with mixed results. There are some highs but there are definitely some lows, as he is getting increasingly frustrated that things are not taking off as quickly as he had hoped. All I can do is try to be there for him and be as supportive as possible. We both decided that we would let him pursue his ventures for 1 year and then reassess at that point whether he would start looking for a “real” job. Fortunately, we are in a financial position where he can continue trying something on his own for at least another year, but he may start applying for jobs soon because he realizes that being an entrepreneur in this economy could be difficult.
Given your situation, I would just continue to emphasize that you’re there to support him and be there for him at all times. Maybe he doesn’t want to talk about his feelings, but perhaps you can do some things that he enjoys to take his mind off things – go to dinner, the movies, etc. Good luck.