Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Tie-Waist Dress

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

On busy days, I love a grab-and-go dress that works for every occasion. This tie-waist dress from Vince could work in a variety of settings, from a super casual office (add some fun earrings and low-top sneakers) to a more formal setting (with a camel blazer and pearls). I particularly love that it’s 100% cotton — perfectly breathable for folks who are walking or taking public transport every day.

The dress is available at 11 Honoré in sizes 1X–3X and at Nordstrom in XXS–XL (in two additional colors, almond and “coastal”) for $195.

A very similar Vince style is on sale at Vince ($98, heather gray, XS–XL) and Nordstrom Rack ($89.97, white and black, XXS–XL).

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Sales of note for 2/7/25:

  • Nordstrom – Winter Sale, up to 60% off! 7850 new markdowns for women
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 25% off your $175+ purchase — and $30 of full-price pants and denim
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 15% off
  • Boden – 15% off new season styles
  • Eloquii – 60% off 100s of styles
  • J.Crew – Extra 50% off all sale styles
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything including new arrivals + extra 20% off $125+
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off one item + free shipping on $150+

400 Comments

  1. I used to think that tie-waists were too informal for work. But maybe I ought revise for 2022 since we have clearly moved on. Also, I’m not sure I still have a waist.

    1. That seems like a strange rule. I had some tie-waist dresses I wore to my Big Law firm between 2010 and 2015. They were less casual than this one though.

      1. A tie-waist dress looks really weird with a jacket, which is a big reason not to wear one in a business formal setting unless it has sleeves.

        1. That makes sense. Also, if you have any sort of longer jardigan, you can wind up with tie belts to layer over . . . tie belts.

        2. There were many workplaces that didn’t require jackets even before the pandemic.

          1. Ha — we have not required jackets since we stopped with suits-and-pantyhose, but we still run the A/C down to 65, so it’s a jacket or a puffy coat indoors, even more so in the summer when I don’t have a wool sweater on already.

          2. The Midwest doesn’t tend to be as overly air-conditioned as the south. I keep a sweater on my office chair and put it on if I’m cold but I don’t much care how that looks because it isn’t really part of my outfit.

    2. I am just so glad I never worked at these places y’all seem to. Where do you get this stuff?

      1. I used to work in the criminal courts and always felt that that is a very serious place, so no fun or frivolous clothes at work. Just boring civil servant clothes, mostly black and gray, often with white blouses. It’s often the worst day of people’s lives and the last thing people needed was a scarf with emojis on it.

        I don’t work there now, but always feel like I need one serious outfit (even just for funerals) and I don’t want to spend a lot of $ on work-type clothes unless they can check this box also. I have a ton of fun clothes now and enjoy wearing them, but if you were in a very somber job, you can see why you’d dress differently there.

          1. I think if you’re going to see people off to jail, maybe a t-shirt dress – tie-waist or otherwise – is a tad informal. But to each her own.

          2. I share your incredulity.

            Feels like the AAM commentariat with these super strict arbitrary rules. Wow, a sash on a dress, so risqué!

        1. This varies a lot by court. I have seen all sorts of things on lawyers in limited jurisdiction criminal courts. Sandals, fuzzy pink sweaters with holes …

          1. I never understand this line of reasoning. Just because something has been worn doesn’t mean it should, no? I once saw someone in a red lace c*cktail dress at a funeral but not something I would recommend, you know?

            (and now I feel like an old man yelling “get off my lawn” at the neighborhood kids)

          2. I am going to say here what I have told associates in my office.

            Some day you are going to appear in court because you make a mistake (or you are falling on your sword for someone else’s mistake) and you need the court’s forgiveness. Some day you are going to appear in court on an attorneys’ fees motion arguing you are worth $600/hour. When that day comes, your reputation for professionalism is going to matter. And whether it is right or wrong, the court is gong to consider how you present yourself. These rules may seem weird or arbitrary to those of you who do not regularly appear in court but our job is not to be comfortable or show individuality. It is to represent our clients. For my clients, that usually means a suit (or dress in suiting fabric with coordinating jacket) in black, navy or gray with boring shoes in most circumstances (jury trials can be complicated depending on the make up of the jury but that honestly does not happen that much in my practice).

            Appropriateness matters. This dress would be fine in my business casual office for most days. It would be too casual for depositions and much, much too casual for court.

      2. Clothing is a form of expression. For some people it’s showing their personal style. For me, I dress to demonstrate a level of respect to the court and professionalism to others. I try to match my attire to the seriousness of the situation. Serious matters mean serious suits!

    3. At my biglaw office this would have been fine for a regular day, but not appropriate for a client facing meeting in person or court appearance. At my current in-house gig this would make me a tad overdressed!

  2. I’m wearing a (more casual than this) tie waist dress today! Boden, printed heavy jersey from last winter’s sale – feels like ‘secret pyjamas’. Wearing with a grey cardi, black tights (it’s 10 degrees here today despite being June!) and gold metallic Superga sneakers. Plus a leather jacket for outside

      1. Yeah I’m admitting to ignorance here but I didn’t realize how chilly the UK and Ireland were until very recently. There’s a writer I follow on Insta with the cutest twin daughters – she’ll post pics of them in July and they’re wearing full-on parkas!

        1. My son wore his puffer to nursery today (same place as Ribena)

          It was warm yesterday and freezing today. Hoping it recovers tomorrow as I have to go be an “expert” and I don’t have smart shoes that work for the wet.

          1. I almost reached for my puffer this morning! But it’s also kind of humid and ‘close’ so I didn’t want to feel too warm.

          2. You live in Scotland (?) and don’t have the appropriate shoes for looking good in wet weather???

          3. Haha, you’d think I would but I find rainy summery weather hard to dress for. Boots seem silly, but flats get soggy? I’ll just wear sneakers and change before I go through security.

        2. I think there are two challenges
          1) the weather here isn’t consistently ‘anything’. I went away for the weekend at the end of March and left here in a light cardi and came back wearing a puffer and big scarf.
          2) because the weather changes so much – and inside temperatures aren’t predictable – we have to layer. In Austria in December I’ve seen people wearing just a big thick coat with a blouse and thin sweater underneath, whereas here there are lots of indoor spaces where you’d be too cold with that, so I end up wearing lots of thin layers instead.

          1. I am Midwest US and totally get it. My current weather forecast ranges from 40 degrees F tonight, to low 90s later this week, back down into the 60s again by the weekend. Feels like I wear half my wardrobe in layers on any given day.

        3. It depends where you are in the Uk. A lot of the south of England has been nice and and warm for a couple of months (according to instagram where everyone has been in summer clothes and dining outside for weeks). Whereas Scotland tends to be quite significantly cooler. I only got the shorts out for the first time this long weekend, and today I have a blanket on my lap.

          A few years ago I got talking to the couple on the next sun beds whilst in Spain. They were from Norfolk (south-east England) and couldn’t believe that we (Scots) hadn’t had the same high 20s temperatures that they had been enjoying for the previous couple of months. Had to explain that there is a reason that Scots are often stereotypically shown as REALLY pale. Billy Connolly jokes that as a Scotsmen he’s actually pale blue skinned and it takes a week in the sun to turn him white.

          Generally Scotland has its best weather in late April through until the end of June. July and August tend to be less sunny and more grey but mainly dry. But this year we’ve not had as good a May so the last week of dry and sunny weather has been bliss. But it looks like we’re back to our surprisingly damp spring again.

          1. We were in Lanarkshire for the long weekend and it was glorious, but now seems to have reverted to type. 11 years here and I’m still not used to it. You can take the girl out of California…

            My in laws come up from London in Sherpa coats and snow boots.

            Kiddo and I have a few weeks in the sun at my parents’ in Portugal.

  3. I recently moved to DC, and I need to get a haircut. Does anybody have recommendations for curly cut hair stylist? I’ve had mixed experiences in the past, including some stylist who said they knew how to do a curly cut and clearly had no idea so an happy to go anywhere in the area.

    1. Try Styled by Sarah Richards. My curly-haired friend had a great experience with her (and she’s very picky about haircuts).

      1. Eastern market. But I’m really willing to travel for someone who knows how to cut curly hair, it’s so different from a straight hair cut

    2. Scissors and Comb in Takoma Park has several stylists who specialize in curly cuts. I’m wavy rather than curly but I’ve had great cuts from Tiffany Jackson

    3. I hate to share because she’s already so hard to get an appointment with, but Elizabeth at Parlour on U st. is incredible.

      1. I’ve been unhappy with my experiences at Parlour (once with cut, twice with color) but it has been a while. At least when I went, they only cut curls dry, Deva method, and I have weird curls that actually do horribly via this method. So something to consider based on your curl type.

  4. How long do you keep suede shoes? I have some pointy toe flats and heels that I love but the suede is lightening by the toe like it is worn a bit. Not sure how to fix. And it is 2022: do I even care? Formal shoes should look perfect but these are more casual then formal work shoes and work is very casual these days.

    1. Have you tried taking them to a good shoe repair place to see what they can do to spruce them up?

    2. Depends, if I love them and they’re flats they get demoted to casual work days and weekends. If they were formal shoes that aren’t incredibly comfortable, they get tossed.

    3. My suede shoes actually last ages. I diligently spray them with suede-protecting spray, brush any dirt/dust, and if needed, they get proper wet clean (then brushing, then protecting). I use Saphir shoecare brand only.
      If the color has faded, you can refresh it with a color spray. I refresh my black suede boots with a color spray 2x year. Same brand (Saphir) and recently colored my orange suede ballerinas.

  5. For those of you who live in the DC suburbs, how did you decide whether to live in the Maryland or Virginia burbs? I’ll be working in DC near the metro center, so I can use any of the metro lines. We want good schools in a diverse area with plenty of things to do and <1 hour from the metro center, and we have a healthy house budget ($1M). What else should we consider?

    1. We wanted to be in a blue state for public health concerns, and trans rights in schools should our kids end up trans, so it was MD only for us. Obviously others would weight that less heavily but it was a key factor in our decision.

      1. It’s called the People’s Republic of Arlington for a reason. I’d encourage that as an option b/c it is so close to many DC places people commute to.

          1. Yeah for similar reasons we chose Maryland (Takoma Park). I also like that Maryland runs more seamlessly into DC; the water and highways make VA seem much more seperate- maybe anecdotal but the people I know who live in Takoma Park or Silver Spring do much more in DC than my friends who have moved to Virginia.
            People I know who chose Virginia were attracted to lower taxes and the many in-state college options.

      2. I was initially leaning toward MD for that very reason, but started second guessing myself because our votes would have more of an impact in VA.

      3. Based on the current VA government, I wouldn’t be particularly concerned. Also, MD also has a GOP governor…

        1. I am in VA and I’m concerned about our current governor. He immediately made school mask mandates illegal (initially by executive order but then the dem-controlled legislature did it for him), which means even if things get insane again with a more deadly variant, our schools can’t require masks, which bothers me a lot as a parent (even private schools or daycares). Our governor is also big on limiting what schools can teach about critical race theory, which is disgusting to me as well. So they can do plenty of damage even in a supposedly purple state like VA.

          To answer the original question, we chose VA because I have a ton of family here and that support/community outweighed the rest, but the public college options were a big thumb on the scale as well since VA has some pretty amazing public universities. If commute were my biggest factor, I’d choose MD though I honestly don’t know if you can get anything affordable near the metro in MD either.

      4. I do have a trans kid in Virginia, and honestly, I always feel like we are one election away from having to move to MD or send our kid to a private school in DC. I do like that our vote matters, and we’ve had a strong voice in helping to promote/pass very LGBTQIA+ policies in one of the close in suburbs. Fairfax/Arlington have great school wide LGBTQIA+ policies in place, but can be tough for other reasons (very competitive districts, and I’d worry about backlash if I had a trans girl in sports in these districts). I also have 3 kids, so having a wide variety of state schools appeals to us, as we feel it’s likely at least 1 or 2 will end up in state. We picked Virginia by accident before any of these were considerations (my husband had a good buddy who had a cheap room we could rent when we first moved here from our home state across the country), and we just stayed put after we get settled into a great community here.

    2. Do you have people already there? If your friends / family is all in Tacoma Park, it won’t help to be elsewhere. I went to school in VA and had friends on the hill and sprinkled throughout the orange line. They helped me find my first place and narrowed down a list. Chain migration really still is a thing with moving to a new city. I lived Arlington and found it easy for working at various spots between Foggy Bottom and MacPherson (so heavy Orange / Blue line preference to begin with).

      1. We’ve got friends in MD and family in central/southern VA, so we’re a bit torn. My partner is in tech but is fully remote, so their commute isn’t a concern.

    3. Where will your partner be working? Many people pick a place that’s close to family or to work. If you are in tech or government, Virginia suburbs probably have more options in case you want to switch jobs, if you are in life sciences then maybe Maryland (this is a gross oversimplification of course). Whether you want the benefits of a certain state college system could be a factor. You’d probably have the most options somewhere in Fairfax County, but it’s a big area (1M people) with lots of different neighborhoods.

      Also, you probably realize this, but your house budget won’t get you much close to a metro stop. Think about whether you want to live further out and drive to a metro stop (like on the silver line) or whether you want a smaller place closer in (like Huntington or Silver Spring) where you could walk or bus to Metro.

      1. My partner will be fully remote, so their commute isn’t an issue. Since I won’t have to go in the office more than a couple times a week, I’m fine just living within driving distance of a metro stop. You raise a good point about the state college system, we’re still more than a decade out from that being an issue, but definitely something to consider.

    4. For people in DC proper: are you still getting called for jury trials, like a lot? When I worked in DC but lived in VA, all of my DC-living co-workers lost a lot of work due to serving on jury trials (even though they were lawyers or worked at a law firm), which is hard if work won’t consider it PTO or makes you keep up with projects even though you really can’t. Reason to live in MD or VA. If your kids are close to college, in-state tuition can be a huge factor. IDK what the MD options are beyond University of MD but VA seems to have tons of large and small state schools.

      1. There are a bunch of private colleges with various admissions rates (many Catholic), and a bunch of state schools. Apart from UMCP (the flagship), there are are a couple of other University of Marylands, as well as very long-standing and well-regarded HBCUs. As someone who grew up in MD, I couldn’t *wait* to get away, but now I look at places like St. Mary’s College (the state honors college which is a small liberal arts campus in the country) and get all wistful that CA doesn’t have a state option like it.

    5. Virginia all the way because I wanted a redder state [not actually red but def redder than Md] and lower taxes and just a bit of the southern vibe. While you can’t get that in Arlington, you start getting that once you’re more than an hour out of that immediate metro area.

      1. VA and MD feel so culturally opposed to me that it’s hard to imagine choosing between them as states (though I realize local factors override when choosing between neighborhoods).

        Really liking MD seems to entail hating what’s valued in VA, and really liking VA seems to entail hating the same things that people really appreciate about MD.

        1. What? We are all transplanted office workers who lucked into house shares and sort of got used to an area. IDK that many people who, say, started on the Hill and then went to Manassas or Frederick. And Manassas and Frederick are not different, really. What is different is say a Takoma Park person and a rich person in Potomac or Great Falls. Or someone in a row house in Georgetown. IMO people in close-in MD suburbs think they are different than poor rural people in VA without realizing that there are poor rural people in the rest of MD. MD is a small state, but it’s not monolithic.

          1. Oh, wow. I grew up in Frederick and feel offended by this comparison. Frederick is a Revolutionary War colonial town. Manassas is a Civil War town.

          2. I’ve seen plenty of civil war flags around Fredrick, so I don’t really see why that matters. The cities are very similar currently

      2. Yeah, the reddest parts of MD aren’t really anyplace near DC. Bless them, I meet Californians all the time who ask me, “All your high school classmates voted for Tr*mp? But I thought you were from MD!” Then I have to explain that my hometown is more like Bakersfield than Torrance.

    6. YMMV, but when I was trying to make this decision as my family (DH & DD, then aged 13) and I moved to the DC area about 20 years ago, a work colleague reminded me of the incredible public college and university system in VA that was a relative bargain for in-state tuition and much easier to get in to as a resident. While DD went to Wellesley (so much for cheap VA tuition, but her choice ultimately paid off in other ways), I had to chuckle at the time when she was registering for classes next to another new Wellesley student who announced her intention (before even starting classes) of planning to transfer to UVA her sophomore year since she was unable to get in as a freshman.

      1. My sister went to Mt. Holyoke, but UVA was her first choice. She didn’t really have much of a chance of getting into UVA (out of state MD B students are a dime a dozen) but she was just heartbroken. I was completely unmoved by all of the Southern schools I visited, including UVA. People have such different preferences.

        1. I have attended UCLA, Wellesley, and William and Mary. Based on that experience, for my daughter I would rank them Wellesley but only if I could afford it > W&M because it’s small and realistically affordable > some lower-tier private school where she could get a scholarship so I could afford it > UVA last choice because big schools are awful unless you are there to party.

      1. I love hearing this! We are raising our kids in North Arlington/McLean. It’s been great so far – lots for the kids to do, easy drive in to work on the rare days we go in (we’re about 10 minutes from Georgetown, which is always surprisingly close).

        We had the same MD vs. VA debate when we moved out of DC, and it boiled down to taxes, in-state college options, and a soft spot for the Blue Ridge Mountains. Good public schools – and diversity in those schools – was how we ended up in our specific neighborhood. Agree that $1M won’t get you much closer in, but you could still find a smaller (or older) gem in the area.

        1. Ann, Can you please share which area you are in? Not the OP, but in DC and considering a move to the burbs for schools.

          1. Not Ann but her description fits my family exactly, and we are in North Arlington near seven corners, so close to Falls Church. Arlington amenities and schools at *slightly more reasonable prices than other parts of North Arlington. We love it here. (Kids are still young.)

          2. Hopefully it’s not too late for you to see this – we live in “east” McLean (basically where North Arlington starts turning into Fairfax County). Kids are still little but we love it here! Our neighbors (a mix of young families + empty nesters who are starting to downsize and sell their houses to young families) are so, so friendly. My visiting mother-in-law says our immediate neighborhood kind of feels like living in the ’50s.

    7. To be honest, there isn’t that much of a difference, despite the drama the MD and VA sides love to stir. The income taxes in VA are lower and there are more public universities (and very different ones – from small liberal arts like William and Mary and Christopher Newport U to the big ones like Virg Tech or the flagship UVA). Having said that, MD also has a very, very good public univ system and lower taxes on other things, I think. Both states have lovely state parks, water (beaches, lakes, rivers), access to culture, great restaurants, and pretty good infrastructure. I find commuting across the bridges actually faster to get to mid-DC areas than when I used the roads from the NW burbs (spent a little time in Chevy Chase), but at the end of the day commuting takes a lot of time from anywhere. Schools are very good in Arlington, Fairfax, Montgomery Cty, etc. We lived on Capitol Hill for years and ended up moving to Arlington based on Blue/Orange line commutes to work and driving proximity to work. I’m slightly left of center politically and the Arlington dems drive me a bit crazy occasionally, but overall I find the state functions well and I’m pretty happy with what my tax dollars deliver. I think we’ll be a purple state that requires central-ish leaders for the foreseeable future, which is fine w me.

      1. +100 – if I had children anywhere near college age, I would live in VA for the higher education.

        1. Do kids from VA actually get in to VA schools (like kids in CA would have an awesome time in CA schools but the odds are stacked against them, doubly-do if in a well-to-do suburban area with a ton of fungible smart kids)? I’ve heard its REAL harder for girls especially.

          1. Twenty years ago (and it appears it may still be true), 60% of incoming freshmen had to be from VA. Which meant that if you weren’t a top VA student, you may still get in but would struggle against the competition. Many would transfer elsewhere after their first year, leaving a fair number of slots for high achieving students from out of state to transfer in when the odds were better.

            From google
            What percentage of out-of-state students does UVA accept?
            15%
            It is important to note that it is far more difficult to gain acceptance to this university if you are not a Virginia resident. Out-of-staters were accepted at just a 15% clip, while Old Dominion residents were accepted 28% of the time in the 2021-22 cycle.May 25, 2022

            What percentage of applicants does UVA accept?
            The University aims to maintain a two-thirds majority of Virginia residents in its student population as a public university. When it comes to out-of-staters, 5,576 applicants received offers, making for an acceptance rate of 15 percent, down two percent from last year.Mar 20, 2022

      2. I grew up in MD, and when I moved to Southern CA, the Orange County – LA County rivalry (and to a lesser extent the angst between USC & UCLA) reminded me immediately of the MD-VA discourse.

    8. We moved to Silver Spring (Northside neighborhood) about a year ago and we love it. Granted, our kid is still in preschool, but it’s been great so far. We can walk to many parks and to the metro station. Our neighbors have been incredibly nice and friendly. I work from home and my husband walks (or takes a bus if it’s raining) to the red line. Downtown Silver Spring has a lot going on, and it’s been fun to explore.

  6. My long term boyfriend recently look me on a surprise trip to Paris for a milestone birthday and didn’t propose. He’d spoken to me before the trip about my ring size and preferences, mentioned that he’d spoken to my parents about the trip and gently suggested I dress up for dinner on our first night – all of which made me believe he was likely to propose. We’ve discussed marriage and children at length. I wish I wasn’t letting my disappointment ruin what was otherwise a lovely, generous gift and a great trip, but I can’t help but feel upset and disappointed. It doesn’t help that friends and even colleagues joked about him proposing on this trip and it feels humiliating dealing with well meaning inquiries about if I have any “big news” now I’m back.

    I think he and I are still on the same page about marriage and children, but honestly this is throwing me into a bit of tail spin. I can’t help but feel that every month he waits deciding if now is the right moment for him is a month that reduces my chance of having children. I know I’m overacting and I think he’ll probably propose later in the summer but I honestly feel pretty gutted. Any advice from the hive?

    1. Talk to him out loud with words. “Mark, we need to talk. Did you not think asking for my ring size, mentioning you’d talked to my parents, and telling me to dress up might lead me to believe you were proposing? I loved the trip. I love you. And if we are still on the same page about marriage and children I’d like us to discuss when we are taking steps to move forward with that.”

      1. +1. This is a good script. It does feel like he led you on. Maybe not intentionally, but COME ON. I don’t blame you for feeling sad and disappointed, OP.

        1. +2. If you are unhappy, you need to talk about it. As someone else said, life isn’t a rom-com… MAYBE he has (or had) a charming proposal all planned out and for some reason it didn’t work out in Paris. But in the meantime you are miserable, and you deserve an answer.

      1. Disagree. If he’s not proposing, it’s because he doesn’t want to get married (yet/to you/to anyone).

        I am very thankful that I resisted pressure to propose to my then-boyfriend of four years. We are not the right people for each other, and he knew that. I’m now happily married to a man who is in many ways like my ex, but different in ways that make us much more compatible.

        1. Like at least raise the issue? Deciding unilaterally is not cool. Or fair. Or something you do in a relationship you want to be permanent and that you are opening to accepting a marriage proposal in if you are receiving and not giving. Ugh.

          1. For 10 months? Like you have asked EXPLICITLY and have had an answer and this has gone on for 10 months and you are not considering yourself to be engaged? Girl, don’t become Miss Havisham.

          2. I am pretty sure that response is not from the OP but from the person who moved on.

        2. ?? Why does only the man get to decide whether he’s ready for marriage. Is this 1957?

          1. +1. This is not at all what I wanted or was willing to accept even when I got engaged almost 30 years ago. When my husband and I were dating, we were also friends, the conversation about marriage came up organically. He did propose, because he wanted to do it and make it a special moment, but I was in no way surprised or waiting.

        3. Disagree to disagree. I proposed to my husband (almost 20 years ago) and it was actually what he wanted. Many conversations on feminism – the man doesn’t “get” to decide when and women have agency. Totally works for us. Also, proposal was after many convos on kids, where we would get married, wedding plans, etc. If you plural-the-both-of-you want him to do the asking, there is nothing wrong with that. However, you should not be hanging around wondering about a timeline without a conversation that can be very specific on when that question will be asked. [you just then can’t be all bummed about it not being a surprise or whathaveyou]

      1. Was going to ask the exact same questions. I think the answers make a big difference in how to approach this.

        You mentioned a milestone birthday… If it was your 40th birthday (or even probably your 35th since you said you have been dating for a long time), I would have a conversation ASAP to make sure you are still on the same page re marriage and kids. If it was your 30th, I would try to relax and see how things play out in the next few months. Regardless, I can understand your frustration.

    2. ” I can’t help but feel that every month he waits deciding if now is the right moment for him is a month that reduces my chance of having children.” How old are you?

      If you are actually getting to be of an age where this is an issue, I think you need to bring it up immediately. And/or perhaps you should just propose to him.

      FWIW I know the exact feeling you have. I found the receipt for my engagement ring one summer. Months and months went by and he did not propose. I was in his car looking for something and found the RETURN RECEIPT for my engagement ring. I was completely gutted. Another month went by and we had a weekend trip planned after which I was going to break up with him. He proposed.

      As it turned out, the receipts I found were *deposits* on a stone; he spent all summer waffling around about the ring and ended up getting a completely different stone and ring from a second jeweler, so got his deposit back on the first. He also spent another two months trying to plan things perfectly. We’ve been married 15 years and I have still never told him I found those first receipts ;).

      1. I would have lost my entire mind finding that return receipt! I don’t know how you kept that to yourself.

        OP, my first thought was he really wanted to propose but I bet the ring isn’t ready yet. The supply chain is a nightmare.

        1. This is a possibility. It happened to us. DH had the ring made, received it right before Special Event, and noticed that company had engraved the wrong message on the inside! It said, “With love to Tiffany.” My name is not Tiffany, lol. So after that fiasco, he ended up proposing a few months later.

        2. Yeah this happened to us. We talked about marriage, discussed rings, he dropped a lot of hints, and then… crickets. And so one night I was like hey, where are we at on the marriage thing? And he gave a shifty answer about how we were still on the same page but had plenty of time, etc. I was a little hurt, but was like ok whatever. And then he proposed two days later – it turned out he had meant to do it several weeks before but there were delays in getting the ring he had ordered.

    3. Don’t let your partner unilaterally decide your future. Talk it out or propose to him if you want to be married to him.

      1. +1

        This isn’t a romcom. You don’t have to wait for the big elaborate moment to be proposed to.

        1. My husband proposed on the couch in our living room, after telling me “we need to talk”. I thought he had lost his job. LOL. We’ve been married for 26 years.

          1. I got proposed to at an impromptu celebratory lunch at a sit-down chain restaurant after I’d gone with him to help him buy a car. He didn’t even have a ring; it was totally spontaneous. Been married 23 years this year.

    4. I think you need to talk to him about it. Part of being married is being able to have awkward hard conversations. I have conversations with DH that I don’t have with anyone else.

      For us the big issue was timeline. DH didn’t realize I was thinking of getting engaged a year before we got married (he had a number of friends with shorter engagements and smaller weddings). And I wanted to be married for a few years before having kids whereas he was more agnostic on that. We had similar conversations about having kids – figured out how old we wanted to be when we were ‘finished’ the baby years and worked backwards from there. It’s not about ultimatums, it’s about talking about what you each want and when and seeing what that looks like for a timeline moving forward. You can agree to get engaged a specific month and he can still totally surprise you with how he proposes if that’s a thing you both want.

      Maybe he was waiting for a particular ring to be ready and didn’t get it before the trip?

      1. Was just going to say this. OP, if this is the man you want to marry & expect to spend the rest of your life with, you should be able to have a conversation with him about it. Share with him how his various comments and the trip led you to believe there was a proposal coming. Have the hard conversation about intentions and timelines.

      2. FYI, many men don’t quite understand that pregnancy hormones really wreck havoc on women and therefore marriage. They think that if Baby comes along a year after getting married, the couple has a full year of pre-baby newlywed bliss.

        1. +1. In my experience men also think you quit the pill and poof! You’re pregnant. The concept that we need to plan for time to conceive and it could take a while isn’t discussed much amongst men, and apparently all men claim to have gotten their wives pregnant within two weeks whereas most women have privately mentioned it took longer than expected.

          1. +1

            I got married at 30, tried for a baby at 31 and didn’t get pregnant until 33. Took 1 year of trying and 1 year of fertility treatments. I’m now having my second baby at 35 (almost 36).

            My husband wanted to wait until his “mid 30s” to have kids. I’m so glad I pushed him. Now he admits he wished we got married/started a family much sooner. You never know what your journey will look like.

    5. Oh hai this happened to me except it was Hawaii and he didn’t tell me to dress up. He proposed about a month after we got home. I hope the same thing happens to you!

      1. Also happened to me, and it was Hawaii. There was a particular time and spot where I was 100% certain he would do it, and it gutted me a bit when he didn’t. I waited a couple of weeks then told him how hurt/disappointed I was, and he did propose a couple of months later, and we’ve been happily married for five years. FWIW he later told me he always regretted not asking me duding that trip, and he pointed to that a particular time and spot as to when he wishes he would have done it.

    6. How old are you? How long have you been dating? Does he want kids? This is all important.

      As for everyone and their hints about “big news,” Shut. It. Down. Everyone thinks it’s cute, but it’s hurtful. It will only get worse when you TTC. “I know you’re supportive of me, but if I got engaged, I would tell you. It actually hurts to have you squirrel around with little hints.”

    7. You mention milestone birthday, so it’s probably your 30 or 40th. If it is your 40th, I would suggest gently bringing it up now. If 30th, cool your jets a bit and see how the summer plays out.

      For some men and women (obviously not all!) talking about the nitty gritty of how/when to get engaged takes away something important. He’s given you 1 million signs that he wants to get engaged to you in the near future and you’ve made it clear you are going to say yes – so the only thing left is for it to actually happen. Unless you really really really need to hash this out now, I’d wait a bit longer and see. Maybe the ring wasn’t ready and he didn’t want to propose without a ring. Maybe he thought you’d want to be able to immediately go see family/etc. after getting engaged, which is obviously impossible on a vacay. Maybe he wanted to do it in some place with special significance to you as a couple.

      If you are 40 and children are wanted, days/weeks/month do potentially make a difference and I would amend my answer and suggest the pros of pushing him along outweigh the cons of him potentially feeling like some of the magic has been lost.

      1. Nah, no need to play coy just because you’re 30! Getting married is a major, joint life decision.

    8. No advice, just commiseration. We went on a few cute day trips and no proposal, at that point I had given up and decided we were done. I planned our break up and mid break up he proposed…. the whole thing will forever be tainted.

        1. Yes, were happily married now, but it was not a great road to get here, I had already started grieving the relationship, picked out my new apartment and began to move on.

    9. OP here. Thanks very much all, some really helpful thoughts and I really appreciate everyone who’s taken the time to offer advice.

      To be clear, I do think we’ve had a lot of the frank conversations suggested. The milestone birthday was my 30th, and we’ve discussed that we’d probably like 2 kids and I’d want to have had both pre-35. We’ve also discussed that we’d like to be married pre-kids and that the timeline is therefore relatively tight. We’ve been together (admittedly on and off) since our early twenties.

      I completely agree that our decision to be married should be a joint decision, but wanted to leave space for the engagement to be something of a surprise (which I appreciate is not particularly feminist but is fundamentally what I want). As I said, I think(?) we’ll still get engaged this summer but this has made me more uncertain about whether we’re as on the same page as I thought we were.

      Clearly I do need to have a conversation with him about this, but I’m just worried about seeming ungrateful for a lovely trip and causing unnecessary conflict for the sake of getting engaged in a month or two anyway. That said, I am annoyed about the expectation management. He’s literally joked to me about people at his office asking him if he proposed, which feels pretty tone deaf of him. I think it would have been kinder to have made his intentions a bit clearer – I think a lot of my upset is because of feeling led on.

      1. So this is helpful. I think if you’re 30, the reality is that weeks/months/days don’t make a difference, and the fact that he’s joking about people asking him if he proposed tells me nothing likely changed (if you’d changed your mind about marrying someone, would you joke about it?).

        If you’re really worried, just ask, but I think there are plenty of reasons he could have opted to not propose on THIS TRIP.

        1. I wanted to have my kids pre-35, was with my now-husband from 29 on and had my kids at 36 and 38 due to several life circumstances out of my control. I don’t think the difference between having your second at 35 and 36 is that big a deal imho.

          1. I know soooooo many people who had kids over 35 but before 40. My best friend had her second kid at 38; she of course got the “geriatric pregnancy” thing written on her chart but she had no problems and her son is healthy, etc. Goals and ideas are great but sometimes reality intervenes. OP has plenty of time to have her two kids.

          2. The geriatric pregnancy cutoff is arbitrary and depends on your OB. I delivered my only child at 32 (almost 33) and was labeled geriatric by my OB. I was so offended, but when I jokingly told my OB I was mad at her for the label she said I was the oldest first pregnancy she’d had in a long time. I live in the Bible Belt where it’s not uncommon to meet women who became grandmas before 40. It’s funny because I was a child bride among my college/grad school friends when I got married at 25.

      2. I think you can 100% ask him exactly what Anon @ 9:16 AM wrote. If he’s making all these jokes and you went on this trip then its a perfectly normal thing to think. And re: how much of a surprise it is, it seems very normal for couples to decide they want to get married, the woman might even buy the ring so its what she likes – but then the guy proposes whenever he plans for it (usually within some time window).

      3. I would still talk to him. That’s my advice for relationships period. If you are feeling something because of what your partner did or didn’t do, talk about it. It doesn’t need to be a dramatic moment, a fight, anything more than a conversation. But the secret to a lasting p, successful relationship is staying connected to your partner. And you grow disconnected when you don’t communicate.

        1. OP here- not sure if this is a facetious comment, but for me it’s not just about fertility. Both my partner and I had parents die relatively young and I want to have kids young enough that I stand a good chance of seeing them grow up. We both have a parent that didn’t make sixty and whilst I know that you can’t control everything I’m keen not to have kids at 40+ if I don’t have to. That’s not at all a criticism of women who feel differently – it’s a really personal issue and of course fertility etc can play a huge role.

          1. Not at all, it’s a practical suggestion to give you some room for your marriage and kids. I’m a twin and from a big family of twins, so just suggesting another way to make your goal work.

        2. Yeah, don’t take this advice from someone who has not done IVF nor had twins unless you dislike money and your sanity.

          1. Yeah, like…it is nowhere near that easy. My fertility clinic was not a McDonald’s where I could walk in and say “I would like twins, please; one boy and one girl, and I would like them to be born exactly 41 weeks from today so they aren’t born on my husband’s birthday. Thanks!”

      4. I think you do need to talk to him. You’re sad about the lack of proposal and he’s making jokes about something that makes you sad.

        1. This. If there was a mess up with the ring that prevented him from proposing on a trip that seemed like a proposal trip, then he could have hinted that way leading up to the trip rather than the reverse. Or even said something directly. Or proposed with a stand in ring. Otherwise this whole thing seems kind of cruel. And in any event he shouldn’t be joking about it since it hurts you.

      5. So here’s the thing: marriage is one of the single most important decisions you’ll make in your life. Whether to marry, who to marry, and when – it’s a big, big deal. It’s also stressful, because it’s not entirely in your hands. You both have to choose each other, and keep choosing each other, over years to make it work. I think women face a lot of pressure to be cool girls and act like they don’t care about getting married, and don’t care that their boyfriends keep postponing the proposal, but I say (in Ellen’s words) FOOEY to all that. It’s a critically important choice and you should make it together.

        You don’t have to bring up the trip and the fact that he didn’t propose – in fact, I’d probably only do so if you’re able to leave it at a light touch (like “in fact, I was kind of thinking we might be getting engaged on our trip and it was disappointing that we didn’t”) and then move on to the bigger issue – which is that you want to have a firm plan now for your next steps together, and you want to make that plan together. (BTW, I would focus mentally when you talk to him on framing this as a mutual act – “when do we get engaged” vs him unilaterally performing the act of proposing.)

      6. OP, I completely empathize with you. I think the thing that a lot of people don’t talk about is that the actual process of proposing is awkward and can lead to a lot of unnecessary hurt feelings and tension because it involves some level of secrecy about a topic of great importance (which is usually not a recipe for success in relationships!). For example, my husband proposed on the day we closed on our house. He told me he was working from home that day to get all the paperwork ready, so I thought – hey I want to work from home too so we can do it together! And he started acting really weird and saying he couldn’t get any work done if I was with him, etc. and ended up hurting my feelings bc I had NO CLUE he would be proposing then (he had been dropping hints it would be later on a bigger trip). He was harsher than he would normally be because he was freaking out that I was going to ruin the proposal he had planned, so I thought he just didn’t want me around and was pretty upset. All this to say – the period of “will he propose today/this weekend/this month” is an awkward time and I wish I had meddled less and just let my husband do his thing. If you’re concerned he’s not the right person or not going to propose period, that’s one thing, but it sounds like (based on ring shopping and his comments) he’s just trying to find the right time (and as others have mentioned, make sure he has the right ring secured).

    10. I am so sorry. I am sure you are gutted. But I’ll bet the ring is not ready, and the most important part of a proposal is the ring, so there is no way he could come to you and ask for your hand and then not have his *ish together with a ring to put on that hand. You need a showing of commitment at that moment, and that showing is the ring. Give him some time to get that part sorted so you don’t have to wonder if he really means it.

      1. A different perspective-we got engaged with a silly plastic toy ring and then picked the ring together. That is not for everyone! But if that’s okay with you, worth saying to your boyfriend that the engagement doesn’t need to wait for the perfect ring.

        1. I am so grateful that my husband’s and mine mutual decision to commit to each other was not part of the engagement industry. You meet, you fall in love, you realize how much you love and care for each other. I start talking about a future , move in together, learn to like living together, start talking about children, jobs and how each of you see your life, and one day talking about marriage just seams natural, then you plan the wedding, or the children if you want to do it that way around. But this idea that the proposal is almost sacred, I just don’t get it

      2. OMG no. The most important part if the proposal is that two people are agreeing to marry each other. You literally do not need a ring to do that. JFC

        1. If there is a big to-do surprise proposal, it is about the ring. And you know most people would gossip if there were no ring at such a proposal, and the woman would probably be livid and cry and consider saying no. These kinds of proposals are about the man presenting a symbol of his commitment.

          1. As another perspective, my husband proposed without a ring (I wouldn’t call it a “big to-do” but it was a surprise), then I picked out the ring and paid for it. I think the engagement-ring-as-downpayment-on-wife concept is pretty old-fashioned and worth re-examining.

    11. It is possible he didn’t want to water down your birthday trip with a proposal. I would think this way, personally. There should be two separate events – the trip for birthday and a separate, special event for the proposal. It does not sound at all like he is backing out. I think the concept of the big proposal runs counter to all the advice to talk about things in a relationship. Because the whole idea is that the surprise proposal is made on the man’s schedule with secret planning beforehand. If he is in the process of putting it together, asking about it can feel like a disappointment to him, because his plans are somewhat foiled, or like he has disappointed you while going to all the trouble to make a perfect moment. I am not saying don’t talk to him, I am saying that the system is flawed.

      1. Thanks – this is the thing that’s making me hesitate about just talking to him about this. We’ve had the conversations and should be on the same page. The point now is giving him space for a surprise proposal and I’m hardly doing that if I insist on discussing it at every turn.

        1. So, I had a friend who was at this stage with her BF and was half expecting the proposal in Paris. Turns out BF didn’t want it to be a whole ‘scene’ and proposed two weeks later when they were just hanging around at home.

          I do think the commentary before the trip was kind of weird if he wasn’t planning to propose there, though, so my sympathies for the angst :)

        2. I commented above saying something similar, but given these additional facts that it was just your 30th birthday and that you have had numerous conversations about getting engaged, I would definitely let it go for now. At the end of the summer (or end of the year), if you still aren’t engaged, I would bring it up then. 3-6 months is not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, and you will still have plenty of time to have kids.

        3. Very similar, less dramatic experience here. We had a long weekend trip that for various reasons I thought would result in proposal. We had talked about all the things and I thought we were on the same page. Well, he didn’t propose; another couple who were also attending the same event did get engaged. I held it together to congratulate friend and then lost my mind on him driving back. Turns out we were on the same page about the end goal, not on the same page re: timing. We had some really good, frank conversations and got on the same page and then I gave him space to do his thing, which was important to him. He proposed in a very sweet way a few months later and we’ve now been married 12 years.

          1. This exact same thing happened to me right down to me flipping out in the car. Also married 12 years!

    12. No advice, just men are weird anecdata: This was me in May 2018. He proposed in a beautiful way in October. All trips that year were “decoys so it would be a surprise.” I was so mad (and so was his grandma, lol), but it ended up fine. We married right before I turned 32.

      1. That’s… thoughtless. I would have turned down the proposal. “I fooled you!” isn’t funny when someone emotions are on the line.

        1. yeah, this is a gross power play that many women seem to think is cute or funny. It’s actually disrespectful and meant to be a reminder of who is in charge.

          1. Nah, it was just him being nervous and sincerely trying to make it a surprise. No need to read power plays into my awkward spouse :).

    13. Ugh. This is why I hate the Proposal Industrial Complex. OP, it is perfectly fine to be a person who wants things, including a measure of control over when and whether to get engaged. And you are not overreacting when you freel humiliated for being put in a humiliating position — whether it was on purpose or not!

      My husband and I always say our engagement was less a proposal than a negotiation, so I am definitely Team Use Your Words.

    14. Why not just ask him? “Hey, were you going to propose or what?”

      If you marry, you’ll have lots of more blunt conversations anyways. Might as well get started.

    15. My husband proposed to me in Paris, without a ring. I picked out the ring when I got back.
      I do not think you are over reacting at all. It’s one of the most important decisions of your life.
      Ask him why he led you to believe he was going to propose and didn’t. If the ring is not ready he can tell you that. If he has some lame excuse he can tell you that too. Having information is better than not having information.

    16. Talk to him openly. If it helps you in any way, I went through something similar and we now laugh about it.

      Turns out one of the ring’s stones had fallen out and needed to be taken back to the jeweller for repair. He decided not to propose until the ring was fixed and I’m really glad he double checked beforehand. Imagine how gutting it would be to open a box to find a stoneless ring and have a runaway diamond rolling on the floor!

  7. I’ve gotten several Brazilian waxes in the last year or two, but the last one caused a lot of in grown hairs, and they look horrible. Is this a one time thing, or are these awful red bumps going to continue if I get another wax? I don’t know if it was a bad wax or what happened, as I’ve had a few in-grown hairs before but never this many. It looks embarrassing!

    I’m now considering laser hair removal instead – anything I should know or be aware of?

    1. Was in your shoes and did laser. I swear my hairs got more wire-like and I hated digging out the ingrown ones. Ugh. Also, I didn’t do full Brazilian for laser — just enough to wear a swimsuit spontaneously, which I wasn’t able to do as I was growing things out for the next waxing or dealing with ingrowns. Life changing. Wish it had been an option when I was a tween / teen (for laser: what is the lower age limit for that?).

      1. I get that, but I’m really genetically overly gifted in that area, far beyond what would easily fly at any pool I’ve ever been to (lived all up and down the East Coast). It’s more than I should have had to deal with as a girl and I kind of resent that still today.

        1. Oh yeah I get that. To me a Brazilian is specifically about areas all of us should be covering at a pool!

    2. I always got ingrowns from waxing. Can’t laser (too fair), so I just use a mens beard trimmer all over for a close crop/Brazilian effect. No ingrown and free.

      1. I use an electric trimmer too. I always get the nastiest ingrowns from shaving or waxing.

        1. I have now switched to a trimmer as previously I was able to shave, but now in perimenopause (I’m 45) something is going on down there and shaving gives me terrible ingrown hairs. After the last bout with a really bad ingrown (I had to use a mirror and dig it out with a pointy set of tweezers; it was not pretty) I was like, I’m done with this and got a trimmer. Keeping things close-cropped but not completely shaved seems to have solved the problem.

    3. Can’t speak to lasers, but for brazilians make sure you exfoliate the area every couple of days. I keep St Ives Apricot scrub in my bathroom and it really works to prevent ingrowns. I’ve read (here) that hair can grow back after laser treatments with pregnancy, so I’m waiting to make the final call on whether or not we’re going to have another kid before doing it.

    4. I had a great experience with laser on my lower legs. Didn’t really get ingrown hairs but shaving really irritated my skin, and my hair was dark and skin was pale so I basically had a 5 o’ clock shadow on my legs. Now, 10+ years later, I get the odd stray hair, but it’s so much better.

    5. I get ingrowns from waxing and just can’t do it. A red, bumpy, inflamed “area” is definitely not cuter than au naturel. It’s not for me. I even have to watch for them with shaving. I would go laser in your shoes. For me, I rarely rarely wear a bathing suit so I just deal with it very occasionally and it’s not worth it to make a big investment.

    6. No advice about laser hair removal but I recommend Tend Skin for waxing. It will prevent ingrowns.

    7. Notes- laser route. It will not permanently remove all of your hair. It will permanently remove some hair and slow growth of likely all of the rest of your hair. I’ve been through this process for a Brazilian and am happy with the results, but it’s not like that area now looks like I just got a Brazilian all the time. There is still hair, just less and finer and slower growing.

      Seocnd, even with laser, between appointments, the hair grows back and can cause ingrowns. I like the PFB roll on for helping to prevent ingrowns after all hair removal.

      Also, I have had Laser on underarms, feet, legs and bikini. I didn’t feel anything with feet, legs, or underarms. No numbing or anything, and Couldn’t even tell they were using a laser as I didn’t feel anything. The Brazilian hurts.

  8. Had anyone done IPL or laser treatments for red spots from acne? My old acne and new maskne issues have left my skin a mess.

    1. I love IPL, but it’s best for after skin has healed and there is unevenness. Works really great on sun damage. The skin needs to be in good shape, so it’s not good if acne is still any sort of active.

    2. I have had various treatments for this but time is the best healer, unfortunately. Laser and IPL are better at brown spots than red spots. They can be effective on redness when it’s like rosacea and working on capillaries too close to the surface of the skin, but just an old red mark that’s just healing? It won’t really help. Sorry.

  9. Any travel tips for St. Lucia?

    I will be traveling with my husband, mom and brother. My mom is a teacher and has the week of Thanksgiving off so that’s when we’re looking to travel.

    Would 4 days / 5 nights be enough? We like a mix of relaxing on the beach, but would also like to explore the island.

    We don’t want to stay in an all-inclusive and we’re not going to rent a car. So are there any resorts that are better suited for catching a taxi/public transportation or close enough to walk to restaurants?

    Any other recommendations for excursions, restaurants, etc. would be appreciated! We are all pretty active and have no food restrictions. Thanks!

    1. We ate at the chocolate restaurant at one of the resorts and LOVED it. We also stayed up on one of the peaks and did not love that – it gave a great view but was too far from the ocean.

      1. Good to know. Thanks! I would like to be closer to the ocean, so will keep that in mind.

    2. Check into what’s open and closed. Some islands are way more “open for high season” in November than others.

      St. Lucia has a reputation for being a PITA to get around because those spectacular mountains make for queasy driving, FWIW.

  10. I just had a new staffer who started this job 2 weeks ago tell me that she’s resigning, the job’s not for her. She’s straight out of grad school and hasn’t had a job in the 6-8 months before she started with us and doesn’t have a new one lined up…

    She’s worked here 9 days and a few of them were just like… getting her access to systems. Oh, and she’s decided the whole field isn’t for her?

    Why am I taking this kind of personally? Like – it’s not for her, fine. But I know why… it’s because I was going out of my way to schedule trainings and intros and get new staff invited to meetings and working late to do the rest of my job.

    Venting on here so I can go be professional.

    1. Bullet dodged. There is nothing in your post that makes me think this was a loss on your end. Maybe what you are feeling is frustration at finding what you thought would be a good hire.

    2. Oh no you are dodging a major bullet. Major. Count your lucky stars and get a letter of resignation in writing, waive any notice period, and get her out.

    3. Ugh, I’m sorry. You’ve dodged a bullet, but I completely get how draining the hiring and onboarding process can be.

    4. Thank you all… I know it’s a bullet dodged, but also: I’m technically supposed to be several layers above her, but because I’m actively hiring staff and have a senior analyst who just got their first junior analyst to supervise, she was my hire and reporting to me.

      Not to sound all Kim K on us, but… I’m not sure she’s somebody who wants a full time job. We’re adjacent to a passion field and I think she might be someone who doesn’t need a regular paycheck.

    5. Serious question: what about her interview used you to hire her above other candidates? Why did you nix other candidates?

      1. She was well spoken and thoughtful and had a masters degree in a relevant field.

        We’ve had some good candidates take other jobs, hired other good candidates, and then had several candidates who looked good on paper but had major red flags. Think: on the interview sounding borderline racist when talking about working with international outsourced teams, another candidate self admitted that they didn’t like to work with others and rated their interpersonal skills at 4/10. Another candidate declined because they are currently working a 75% time, fully remote position and needed to keep that flexibility for family reasons.

    6. I’m mad for you. I was freaking at 3 months of no job. I can’t imagine just quitting with nothing lined up in that situation aside from anything abusive. That’s a whole level of privilege I’ll never know.

      Agree with the others though. I’d never want to manage or even work on a team with someone with so little drive.

      1. My cousin got laid off about a year ago, and she hasn’t found anything in that time. I don’t think she’s looking that hard, and I don’t think she wants to work. Neither do I! But I need the check. She has inherited money and savings that will float her for a few years, but that was supposed to be a downpayment. I try to not think about it because it stresses me out, but not my circus…

        1. So this may seem like a weird question. But I’ve worked since I was 15, barring one period when I was laid off and during that time I was looking for work like it was my full-time job, and was only out of work for three months. What do people of working age, who are capable of working, who do not have caregiving responsibilities, do all day when they don’t work? I understand it when people are caring for children or disabled or elderly relatives. I understand it when people who have disabilities or chronic illnesses can’t work, or can’t find a job that will accommodate their needs. I don’t understand what you do if you’re an able-bodied person who could work and you just…choose not to, because there’s other support available to you. Do people just watch TV all day? I would feel like I was wasting peak working years of my life, and my talents. Not to mention I would be constantly worried about my precarious financial position. I guess not everyone has those concerns?

          1. I was once unemployed for five months in my early 20s. Other than job searching/applications/interviews, I cleaned and organized my apartment all the time. Cleaning is free and it’s nice to have a tidy home when you can’t afford to go anywhere or do anything!

          2. I’m considering becoming a SAHM when my child starts kindergarten next year. I can easily see myself filling my days with volunteering, exercise, making healthier and more elaborate meals and doing more social stuff. True, I would probably also read more and watch TV more, but it’s not like I would be doing that all day every day. There was a thread on the moms page the other day and most people said they would quit their jobs if they were independently wealthy (to be fair, many of those people have little kids but kids don’t stay little forever).

        1. Yeah they may have gotten a different job they want more for whatever reason and just be lying to you

        2. I asked her directly and we talked about it. I also know that she was previously not working and is going back to not working.

        3. This, she probably has another job offer that she prefers and didn’t know what to say. This is her first job (ever? since grad school?)…a colleague recently got a new job, and she told our current employer she is leaving for family reasons. She was too shy to say she got another job. Coincidentally, our employer is her first job post-grad school. Her supervisor became concerned something was wrong and offered her a leave if she needs time for a family situation that doesn’t exist.

    7. That sucks because it take a lot of work to onboard someone, but I’d rather have that person leave than rely on them to get work done.

      Unwarranted speculation but my guess is mental or physical health issue, or trust fund.

      1. I could speculate but honestly?

        We pay well. We’re flexible. It’s interesting work. It’s not a bad commute. If it’s not for you, thanks for letting me know before I invested more in you.

        1. This is the right attitude, I don’t know why you feel the need to compare her to a Kardashian or otherwise trash her. She did you a favor, and if your response is the be this bitter she dodged a bullet too.

          1. No, I wasn’t comparing her to a kardashian, I was referencing the infamous Kimmy K line of ‘people just don’t want to work right now’ and saying that wasn’t my belief, but that I don’t think a paycheck is a major concern for this candidate for reasons that are none of my business and not worth speculating.

  11. We got into our local pool club this summer and will be spending many evenings there. There no restaurant but there are grills for use, and the clubhouse has a microwave and toaster oven if we needed to heat anything up.

    Give me your best meal ideas for *either* make-ahead picnic style meals OR meals where you can prep in advance then grill and plop on the table. No dietary restrictions. We have kids but they have adult appetites.

    I would also welcome recs for coolers/bags to transport all this stuff.

    1. Any kind of meat in a marinade can be grilled and served. Hamburger patties, hot dogs, brats.
      For sides – bags of chips or potato, pasta salad.
      We have a Coleman cooler with wheels and an extendible handle that it’s easy to move around. You can get reusable ice packs so you don’t have to deal with big bags of ice each time.

      1. OP here. We’ll be there enough that takeout isn’t always practical. Last night I did big salads that I made in advance, chicken salad, rolls, and tortellini. Adults had salad, one kid went with chicken salad on a roll and younger kids went with tortellini and smaller services of salad. we also had black bean and corn salsa and chips.

        1. Wow girl stop doing the most! All
          Of these are great options just provide one per night.

          1. Yeah that’s like a week of meals in one night. Do sandwiches one night, salads the next, pasta the time after that. You can probably get through the whole summer with that basic rotation since you probably won’t be there every single night.

          2. Yeah, we were just trying out some ideas so I wasn’t sure what would work. Obviously not a regular thing to bring a full menu!!

    2. Salads of all kinds, hot dogs, hamburgers, sausages, marinated chicken breast, kebabs for days. We also do a lot of snack boards and have pizza delivered to the pool.

    3. I feel like grapes, hummus, sliced baguettes, and lots of cheese and meat slices (the packaged kind) are your friend here. DIY sandwiches / cheese boards. Hawaiian rolls. Pimiento and cheese. Any small cooler is fine — our pool imposed size limits after too many of those giant coolers kept showing up.

    4. Why do you have to eat meals there? Honestly I would enjoy the pool but eat dinner at home. It sounds annoying to have to schlep everything there and back and cook dinner without a proper kitchen.

      1. We absolutely do not have to, but our kids like being there and I like them out of the house, so I’d rather bring dinner and let them stay vs haul them home early just to have dinner.

        1. TBH I’m jealous that you get to do your own meals. We cannot bring outside food into our club (totally understandable) but have to order from the club’s restaurant, which is expensive and the food is just okay. We eat before we go or after we come back and it would be great to be able to grill our own dinner and eat poolside.

        2. I understand you can’t do takeout every night for health and/or financial reasons, but I would definitely make pizza at the pool a regular (weekly?) thing. We do that and it’s awesome.

      2. So for our family, eating at the pool is easier and more relaxing than eating at home. With a picnic, I can prep everything and clean up most of it ahead of time. It’s also a bummer to spend a fun afternoon at the pool and then have to go home and get back into chore mode.

    5. I would keep it VERY simple and do sandwiches, fruit, and chips. I could not deal with hauling my entire kitchen to a pool.

      1. +1. Maaaybe I would grill burgers once or twice, but it seems like a huge pain in the butt to haul a full family dinner to the pool on a regular basis.

      1. We do a lot of picnics in the summer and transportable dinners is always an issue. We do sandwiches, burgers, quinoa salad with pita and hummus, grilled chicken and veggies, spring rolls, and burritos.

      2. + a million. I’d get a handful of deli salads from the grocery store and call it a day.

    6. Grilled chicken in a lime-cilantro marinade + cowboy caviar/3 bean salad type dish.

      I’m a chicken salad connoisseur and my favorites come from Budget Bytes (honey mustard, crunchy kale, pesto broccoli, curry). I also love her Greek chicken pasta salad for summer dinners and it transports easily.

      Alllllll the snacky dinners – cheese, crackers, fruit, veg, ranch.

      1. Ooh – with a toaster oven you could do something like French bread pizza. Frozen or make-your-own.

    7. If you are insistent upon grilling, I’d do the foil packet (“hobo pack”) meals where you prep packets of meat and veggies ahead of time, then plop the whole thing on the grill.

    8. Like other have said lots of salads and sandwiches. I’d maybe consider getting those meal prep containers or Bento boxes. I’d do lots of pasta salads with different themes and veggies. I’d also do grilled chicken with a variety of marinades. Things like mashed potatoes, mac and cheese etc could be reheated in the microwave as a side. Fried chicken from the deli can be eaten hot or cold as well – maybe a fried chicken, macaroni salad, and watermelon/other fruit. Tuna salad or egg salad sandwiches with chips could be an option. Mix up the bread as well for sandwiches – french bread, naan bread, pitas, wraps, etc

      As far as transport – I find places like TJ Maxx/Homegoods usually have a lot of insulated totes and bags for sale in the summer. I know some posters upthread are saying this is too much work but as a kid I absolutely loved the pool and would have been on cloud nine had my parents done this for me.

    9. Community grills are often gross and meat is a bit of a pain to keep at the right temp and handle. So I’d bring wraps, salads or pasta that can be reheated. Do a few nights ordering out or gathering at home so I wasn’t schlepping all the time. I think pool time novelty would wear off quickly without the occasional break anyway.

    10. Kebabs. Everyone can make their own before you leave. Then a salad of some kind with veg or fruit. If you need a starch, include some in the salad or bring rolls or wraps for the kebab components.

    11. We do make-ahead kabobs for Sunday nights because we go to the gym on Sunday evenings and want to have something really quick to eat when we get home. I put chunks of meat (it’s usually chicken, but sometimes pork or beef) on skewers with chunks of zucchini, whole cherry or grape tomatoes, and whole button mushrooms. Put in a Ziploc bag and pour in marinade (we make our own but there are plenty of good bottled marinades). The kabobs marinate all day and then when we come home we heat up some frozen precooked rice (Trader Joe’s has a good version) and plop the kabobs on the grill and BOOM, dinner is done.

      You can also do tacos pretty easily by bringing along corn tortillas that you spray with cooking spray on both sides and then fold into a foil packet. Pre-make some slaw (with an acidic dressing if you’re worried about food safety with a creamy one), and bring along some shredded cheese and some salsa in a jar. Marinate meat in a plastic bag or recloseable container. When it’s dinnertime, throw the chicken or flank steak on the grill, put the foil packet with the tortillas on the grill to heat them up, and then slice the meat when it’s done and have people make their own tacos.

      I do echo the comment about “stop doing the most.” When I picnicked with my family as a kid, we either ate what my mom had packed in the cooler or we went hungry. We’ve followed the same philosophy with our kid, and now he eats pretty much anything, including main-dish salads. Pick one meal to serve and bring along some granola bars. Everyone can either eat the meal or have a granola bar, which will not kill them. No reason for you to go to extreme lengths trying to accommodate everyone’s eating preferences.

    12. Mushrooms, asparagus or kebab-style vegetables in foil on the grill. Salmon in foil if you have proper cooling before grilling. Bean burgers in foil. Pre-baked baked potato heated on the grill with cheese, in foil.

      Bean salad, potato salad, salad nicoise, pre-made chicken and cucumber wraps, pre-made taco wraps, pre-made breakfast burritos.

      But only ONE dish per trip, plus simple snack like veggies, fruit, chips, not a full buffet.

  12. can you help me with what to wear to this event? It is a summer associate event with a scavenger hunt around the city followed by dinner at a partners house. Attire is “casual attire and comfortable shoes encouraged.” Jeans? I’m worried jeans will be too informal, even if it does say casual, and it’s in a very hot southern city so jeans are uncomfortable. Dress with white sneakers? Thinking of something like a shirt dress. Don’t feel comfortable wearing shorts.

    1. Something like Athleta nylon travel pants if you have that. Jeans are stifling in the SEUS in the summer. Casual dress like this one. Something of comfort.

    2. Casual dress with clean white sneakers. Pop deodorant and wipes in your bag to quickly freshen up before dinner

    3. I would wear a casual dress and sneakers or very comfortable sandals. Jeans are too hot in the summer IMO.

    4. If this scavenger hunt is for a firm in Charlotte in like 2 weeks, that’s my firm and you need to keep in mind that this office is competitive and people will be running top speed!!!!! Sneakers for sure and if you wear a dress, one you can move quickly in. If this is my firm, I’d honestly do shorts and then change.

      1. OMG. In CLT. Which firm? I may have friends there and do a friendly crashing / messing things up.

    5. I would not wear jeans. I would wear a breezy sundress and casual sneakers or very comfortable sandals.

    6. Don’t forget hat, sunscreen, (cooling neck towel?),maybe a small backpack type purse for toting a water bottle, hair brush, deoderant, those wipes, extra sunscreen, a snack, etc. If you’re going to be running around town outdoors in the heat of the day, having a pack that’s easy to haul and has some essentials for personal care items might really help.

    7. thanks everyone! I got some white designer y leather sneakers on major sale and plan to wear those with a sleeveless midi shirt dress (fully covers my shoulders and back). I think that’ll feel casual but comfortable around professionals, and also not be too hot.

  13. I am buying a new house and have asked a friend who used to clean for me in another city to assist with deep cleaning my new place. What hourly rates are you paying in low to medium cost of living cities for deep cleaning? What would you pay someone who was going to spend a couple days with you deep cleaning your place? Would you pay the same hourly rate as for a more standard deep clean?

    1. I pay $110 (plus 20% tip) per weekly cleaning for my 1300 sq foot condo (HCOL area). Two cleaners come and spend about 2 hours. It’s not a deep clean though.

      In 2018 I paid $300 for a deep clean prior to moving in (included cleaning appliances and insides of all cabinets). Rate included team for up to 2 hours and they charged $80 per hour after that.

    2. I would have hired a service not a friend but in your situation, I would ask your friend. Say, friend, I would ordinarily be paying someone to do this and would like to similarly compensate you. Is $xx/hour acceptable? Your friend is likely to say no need and if that is the case, graciously accept the help and pay for everything else on this friend’s trip.

      1. And to answer your $$ question, I pay $160 for approx 2 hrs for two people every other week.

      1. This. Unless your friend is strapped for cash and would appreciate the extra income, hire a company.

    3. I just got quoted $100/hour for 2 cleaners, and another quote for $300 total for a deep clean of a 1200 sf house with basement.

    4. What did you pay your friend when they cleaned for you in that other city? Pay at least that same rate, plus any travel and lodging expenses if you are schlepping the friend to a different city for this project. I don’t think the new location’s cost of living is a factor in this situation.

    5. These numbers seem incredibly cheap! I’m in MCOL city and had to pay a one-time $210 deep clean before the they would schedule monthly $140 regular cleanings for my 1100sf house.

    6. Deep clean is normally the same hourly rate, it just takes more hours. We pay about $30/person/hour in my LCOL Midwest college town. For a regular cleaning, that translates to $180 per cleaning for a 5 bed/3 bath home.

  14. What do you y’all do with the hair at the nape of your neck? I have dark chestnutty hair (a la Kate Middleton) and I’ve always had a pretty healthy density of whispy short hairs that are under my hairline on my neck. They are concentrated on the respective sides of my neck where the tendons/muscles (?) go up to my head, if that makes any sense. I’ve never been bothered by them but I’m also trying to elevate my “crisp” appearance in light of a big promotion into a far more externally visible role. No, I don’t think anyone is not hiring me because of this hair…. but as I generally make some decisions about self care/beauty/whatever you want to call it, I’ve wondered about this area of grooming. Thoughts? Anyone wax/shave/laser away something similar?

    1. That honestly sounds like you’re inventing a problem. Hair removal in that area would be a pain to keep up with, I’d think.

    2. I have similar hair but black and curly and I just ignore it. maybe I’ll use some bobby pins if it’s really annoying me. Agree this is a made up problem

      1. Yea, I’ll ignore it. I just have a hair apt this Friday and I noticed them again in the mirror this AM. That said, they go so far down my neck that bobby pinning would not be a thing in my case. I’ll just talk to my trusted stylist Friday and she’ll probably tell me to ignore it.

        1. I think it might be something you could clean up, but it’s hard to picture what you mean

        2. I used to use hair spray and a toothbrush to brush these hairs into the rest of an up style for stage, but that’s a lot of fuss for every day.

    3. I don’t think this is an issue at all. BUT if you have a partner, an electric beard trimmer/shaver can take care of this. I can’t imagine it’s doable yourself unless you are very dexterous. I do something similar for my partner with his back hair, but going downwards — he doesn’t like it when it’s visible above his shirt collar.

    4. I have similar hair. If I’m doing something where I need to be super polished, hairspray and Bobby pins. They’re easier to tuck away with low ponytails and low buns, but mostly I ignore them.

    5. Abra at Cap Hill Style used to shave or wax them I think, but based on what I see around town, most women just let them be.

    6. If it is something that truly bothers you, I’d go for electrolysis to permanently remove. But this is definitely not necessary.

    7. I have this exact thing and didn’t even know I should be self conscious about it until I saw some Asian beauty Insta post waxing it. So it’s possible, but I have gone back to “choosing not to buy into more ways women are supposed to hate their bodies”

    8. I’ll admit it – I have in the past waxed the hairline behind my ears to clean it up with those Sally Hansen wax strips. The trick is to follow your natural hairline and just clean up the short baby hairs by pulling down. It was all of five minutes of effort and it’s on a very visible place. But I let it go since the pandemic because nobody sees the back of my neck on Zoom.

  15. Since we’ve already had a few horse convos this week, how about one more…how stupid would I be to buy a horse when we’re planning to start TTC within the next six months? This feels like it should be a no-brainer no, but I have an unexpected opportunity to buy a horse I already adore and know well, and I’m having a really hard time closing that mental door.

    1. Not stupid!

      My reasoning is that the only thing that can make it worse if TTC doesn’t go very smoothly/quickly is if sacrifices were made on the assumption that it would.

      1. This was literally part of the conversation I had with my husband last night…if things don’t go smoothly and quickly, I want the emotional support horse.

    2. Ok so planning to start trying in 6 months to me means pregnancy shouldn’t rule your life. You aren’t pregnant. You aren’t trying to get pregnant.

    3. I say do it. If all goes well, your new baby can grow up with a great horse! In seriousness, I know that you are trying to be practical and limit new investments/stressors. Unless buying the horse would mean serious financial or mental hardship if/when the baby does come along, though, why not go for it? It stinks to regret passing up a good and unexpected opportunity.

      1. Not to get all mushy but I got teary yesterday thinking about a potential baby growing up with him–he LOVES kids and is just the gentlest and sweetest with them.

        With that said, board plus daycare would be rough.

    4. What’s your barn situation? Can you lease out your horse while you can’t ride? I’m a lifelong equestrian and really thought I would ride while pregnant, but then we got our miracle baby and I was scared of miscarriage and didn’t ride past 8 weeks. My friend rode up to 7 months so YMMV. Alternatively, is it the kind of horse who could just chill in a field with the occasional ride from a friend or trainer? How experienced a rider are you? This really depends on the circumstances. Generally not ideal, unless it’s the opportunity of lifetime and you have a great setup.

      1. Agree with this. But also, good horses are hard to find and it could take a while to get pregnant. And I do know several people who successfully own/ride and have babies/young children, but it is hard and takes a supportive partner and/or a good babysitter (or a barn family willing to babysit at the barn while you ride)

        1. Oh, and also-even though you know and love the horse, still do a PPE. Just in case.

          1. I trust his owner a lot but there are three things I want from her before I’d consider making a formal offer. His full medical records and a PPE are two of them :)

      2. Oh, I’m fully aware that it’s not ideal. But yes, I likely wouldn’t have a hard time leasing him out, or at the very least having my barn friends (one of whom doesn’t have a horse of her own) ride him. He’s definitely the kind of horse who needs a job.

        I got back into riding after a long layoff about a year ago. While I haven’t done anything more adventurous than some simple 18′-2′ courses since I’ve been back, I’m a very experienced rider–I’ve evented, fox hunted, helped bring along green babies, etc. I’m an active person and I don’t have any reason to believe I wouldn’t be able to continue with quiet rides on a trusted horse well into pregnancy, even if my OB wasn’t thrilled about it.

    5. Will always have Gone with the Wind flashbacks re this scenario. I might buy if I could not ride the horse for a while and have people who will exercise him/her.

    6. Not stupid! I say go for it as good horses are hard to find and I always find the best ones when I’m not really looking. But I’m a crazy person who is about to start construction on my dream small horse farm and I’m TTC, so take my advice with a grain of salt. I plan to ride until the third trimester then probably will send the horse to a local pro until about 8 weeks after birth (assuming everything goes smoothly).

      1. You’re living my dream. :)

        I rode until around 5.5 months, which is when I started feeling uncomfortable with the belly, but I do dressage so a lot of deep-ish sitting involved. Riding in a two point seat might have been easier. I also didn’t ride my youngster and stuck to a loaner FEI schoolmaster. But it was a great way to stay active during pregnancy, and even though I had a miserable pregnancy with hyperemesis, I only once had to get off the horse to barf. I always felt better when I was at the barn.

        I got some very stretchy Smartpak riding tights (not maternity specific) and those worked well.

        1. Sounds like you’re both living the dream to me! Other than the hyperemesis, obviously.

    7. Before you had the opportunity to buy the horse, were you planning to continue riding after you had the baby, or to take a long break? Could you lease out the horse while pregnant and postpartum if you found you couldn’t manage riding for a while? Are you planning to have more than one child? Can you afford a horse + day care?

      I did not have bandwidth or money for exercise or hobbies for a few years after my kid was born. If I’d had two children I still wouldn’t have any time for myself.

      1. I don’t have any reason to believe I wouldn’t want to continue riding–getting back into it has been frustrating at times, but has mostly been a source of joy. At the same time, I don’t have a crystal ball, which is part of what makes this hard.

        Board + day care would definitely be tough to manage.

    8. Serious question: Do married people get to have expensive individual hobbies like horseback riding? In our marriage all resources go towards common goals, not personal interests. I would sure love for it to be different, but that’s how it is.

      1. WTF? Yes. My husband loves me, supports me, and wants me to pursue things that make me happy and fulfilled. I want the same for him.

      2. Yes, absolutely. It’s part of the budget and the common goal is mutual happiness. We still save for housing, retirement, college funds, etc. An expensive hobby might mean we have 10k less for XYZ, but we get the enjoyment of living life now and not at 65. We are also in a financial spot where we can do this (two govt salaries, so not BigLaw) without eating crackers for dinner.

      3. I mean, I was riding before my husband was ever in my life and it was clearly non negotiable. He has hobbies too, and I’m not sure they are significantly less expensive. I spend my own fun money on horses, and he tried to forbid it it would be an issue for our relationship.

      4. Yes!

        Realistically, even if a couple doesn’t have individual hobbies, I bet the level of investment in shared expenses is different. How often do two people care exactly the same amount about whether a house, a car, a cleaning service, fancy dinners out, travel, landscaping, etc.. is worth its expense?

        I am pretty content going on a walk in the park, reading books, and drinking coffee, so it’s not really my partner’s fault if he enjoys things that involve more gear or greater expense.

      5. Yep. My husband knows if it came down to him or the horse, the horse would probably win. I was riding long before I met him. Then again, I also stay in my high-paying but not exactly exciting or fulfilling career in part to pay for my expensive hobby. Things might be different if we didn’t make as much as we did (or had kids. We are child free by choice)

      6. My husband bought a $7,000 musical instrument while we were engaged. I have a hobby that can get expensive; he’s not going to tell me I have to give up my goals of marathoning in every state because we got married.

        But we are are both otherwise so weirdly frugal that it works out.

      7. I had to read this question twice to understand what I was reading.

        Yes, my husband and I both have expensive individual hobbies. He is a cyclist and I make jewelry and am putting together my own jewelry bench at our house (and good jewelry equipment is $$$$ so I am just doing it one piece of equipment at a time). I am amazed there are couples out there who don’t have individual hobbies? I couldn’t be in a relationship where I wasn’t allowed to spend my own money pursuing my own interests. I have taken over $1500 of jewelry classes and I’ve already spent about $800 on my bench equipment (with much, much more to go) but I love doing it, it’s a wonderful creative outlet for me and my husband loves seeing what I create (which I may sell someday, but right now I am keeping pieces for myself or gifting them). He is super-enthusiastic about cycling and I would never want to take that away from him; it’s part of what makes life worth living for him. We both have good jobs and plenty in the bank and so if we want to spend some money pursuing things that make our lives enjoyable and meaningful, I don’t understand the issue with that?

      8. My husband has an expensive hobby that I support in moderation. Obviously if it was causing us to not be able to invest/save it would be a problem we would have to jointly discuss. But if it is something he is passionate about and he is frugal in other areas, then I fully support it. I think it depends upon the family finances.

    9. You can ride while pregnant, but every OB will advise you not to. Then you will likely not have much time for a horse with a baby. I wouldn’t do it unless you’re rich and hiring someone else to take care of it. When/if you go back to work you’ll have even less time – do you ride your horse and take time away from the few waking hours you get per day in your baby’s presence? Pets are great but every new mom group I’ve participated in has had people who regret or resent their pets. You’re going to be spending a lot of money on a horse you’re not riding. People will say not to let pregnancy rule your life but it is a major life-changing event. Practically speaking is it going to be fair to this horse?

      1. I’m really glad I grew up with animals though. Maybe parents regret it, but from the perspective of the child, I’m really grateful.

        1. I think growing with animals is great and plan on signing my kid up for baby-pony class when she’s old enough .We also have a dog, hopefully I won’t resent him. But I’m giving myself a pass on horseback riding during pregnancy and post partum, and will have to see when I’m up to going back, if someone can watch the baby while I ride, etc. My old horse retired and I choose not to be a horse owner during the baby years because it’s so much responsibility and time.

        2. I think kids may get more out of a horse when they’re older. It would be great for like an 8 year old.

        3. My husband grew up with horses and as a result wants nothing to do with them now. He had to take care of them so the rest of the family could ride them, though.

        4. Same, I learned so much from growing up with animals in general and horses in particular: respect, hard work, accountability, assertiveness, bravery, resilience, how to trust my instincts, pain tolerance…

      2. You raise some good points and mention things I’m definitely concerned about. With that said, animals have always enriched my life and I can’t see that changing with the addition of a baby, even if I ultimately decide not to buy the lil buddy in question. I’m not rich, and would lease him out if I wasn’t able to ride him myself–he’s the kind of horse that needs a job.

    10. Buy the horse! I bought my kid a horse when she was six weeks old. Granted, I get to ride the horse until she’s older, but I keep saying it’s her horse. (What’s that you say, a baby doesn’t need an imported German dressage horse? Nonsense. :) ).

      If you have it at a barn where you can outsource a lot of the day to day care, it is totally doable with a young kid, and it’s a huge help for your mental health postpartum and in the early years. Getting a little bit of solo barn time is what saves my sanity.

      1. This post legitimately made me chuckle in my office, thanks for the smile :) Your baby absolutely needs an imported German dressage horse!

        And yes, obviously I can’t know how I’ll feel if and when the kid(s) arrive, but the friends who have made me feel like I can be a mother are the ones who still take time for themselves and nurture their own interests outside of their children.

    11. To echo the majority of the group, yes do it! The horses at my barn with pregnant owners either get leased to someone else or go on full training board.

  16. Anyone feel like being a personal shopper for a day? I’m looking for suggestions — brand, style, store, anything — for a dress to wear to my father’s wedding this summer. I feel like I have forgotten how to dress during the pandemic, plus I’m a plus-size, full-busted, slightly short-waisted apple shape, so dresses that fit me well are hard to find anyway. And so many summer dresses seem to be flowy/boho/tiered right now, which can look like a muumuu real fast on a fluffy 45yo.

    The wedding is on the casual side — 4 p.m. on a Saturday, in the bride’s church (kind of a megachurch, I think). Northern Illinois in late August, so it could be in the low 70s or the low 90s. I am not in the wedding, and the bride doesn’t have a specific color palette I have to stick to.

    My dream dress would be jewel tone, elbow or short sleeves, boat neck or scoop neck, knee length, a bit ’50s Hepburn. (But anything truly Audrey Hepburn-inspired is probably not going to work on my figure.) I prefer a brick & mortar store so I can try it on first (see above about a tricky figure) but I have time to order/return if necessary.

    Any suggestions welcomed!

    1. I think what you are looking for is Trina Turk. Not quite Audrey Hepburn, but lots of more structured knee-length styles with sleeves in jewel tones, and made for a curvy figure. I am more gamine like Hepburn and can’t quite pull off Trina Turk.

      Do not hesitate to get it tailored if it doesn’t fit perfectly.

      1. Ooooh, those are lovely. It looks like they don’t go up to my size, but that gives me some more ideas.

    2. Check out Kiyonna – Macys sells them but not sure about stocking them in store. Where I live Macys usually has the best plus size selection in stores.

    3. Kiyonna, citychic, dress the population, reformation. Kay Unger but probably too fancy.

      I’ve been looking also just for date night dresses and have your body type. Maybe too busty for a parents wedding but I’m keeping this one (the regular and getting it hemmed, the petite was too short on my 5’4 frame.)

      https://www.macys.com/shop/product/inc-international-concepts-womens-caftan-dress-created-for-macys?ID=13542051&CategoryID=255&swatchColor=Cranberry%20Rose

  17. Has anyone successfully worked part-time as a lawyer? I’ve heard lots of bad stories that all boil down to doing full-time work for part-time pay, but I am drowning. I like my firm and the work I do, but because of a variety of life things, I need to limit my hours (and, honestly, have been limiting my hours because I don’t have more hours to give!) I’m 7 years out and theoretically on partnership track. I’m planning on approaching the partners about a plan in the next few weeks and want to hear all of your stories as I consider what to include / not include. Thanks!

    1. No, it doesn’t work at a firm. Look to go in-house. It’s not a panacea, but typically comes with much more regular hours.

      1. To expand, it is literally part time pay for full time work at a firm. There’s really no avoiding it. Make a plan to leave, don’t voluntarily hack your pay.

    2. My friend is part time and a partner. He’s also well known attorney with a large book.

      He takes cases he is interested in and has time for, declines the rest. Sometimes it means he has 4 months of being fully sequestered. Sometimes he doesn’t work for months and coaches all 3 kids in all their sports. “Part time” is an average over the year, not a week-to-week thing.

    3. I was able to reduce my hours for part-time pay in big law, but I was still expected to work a lot without much control, and I got much crummier work. It didn’t work for me. It seemed to work for a few associates (who then made partner), but I don’t know the details of their lives. It seemed that part-time may have been breathing room when things were slow, rather than predictably sane hours. It seems to help to be a superstar in a niche that’s important to the firm and/or be well connected and extremely well regarded.

    4. I successfully work part time at a big law firm, but I am in a very niche practice area (T&E) and have a very reasonable boss. I am also happily senior counsel, with no real desire to make partner (though there have been women make partner at my firm while working part time).

    5. I work at a big firm and am on a part time schedule. It’s called “80% utilization” in our lingo. So, instead of a 2000 billable hours target, my target is 1600. My husband says that I now just have a normal ish full time job rather than a crazy intense job. I am generally in the office from 9-5 with the expectation that I work after my kiddo goes to sleep as necessary. I also took a 20% pay cut. In making this change, I talked with the partners I work for and discussed a few approaches to be 80%. One, I can try and do work that fits into 9-5 hours. Two, I can do the deal work I was continuing to do, and ultimately end up with just less deals over the course of a year. I’d still be expected to be 100% on these deals. Three, I could say I wasn’t going to work one day a week. I think that only in rare instances can you pull off options one or three and not make your colleagues annoyed at you and still develop skills and continue to grow in the profession. I chose two, and I personally think it’s going great. I have a little less on my plate than I did before, and I’m able to say “no, I don’t have capacity for that” more often. I do a lot less random one off filler work (that I hated before). Except for a day or two before a closing (I’m in a transactional practice), I have a solid chunk of time from 5-8 pm on weeknights that I can spend with DH and kiddo, and that’s what I was attempting to accomplish with my 80% schedule. I absolutely am still working until 11 pm some nights, am still in front of a computer during all standard business hours, but I am getting what I wanted out of the arrangement and am continuing to grow and develop as a lawyer. I am still bonus eligible, and if I had a year where life was insane and I billed 1900 or 2000 hours, I’d get a true up payment to reflect that.

    6. Just keep limiting your hours without taking a paycut, just like the men do when it suits them. I ultimately worked 75-80% of my minimum during the chaos of 2020 and 2021. Not only did I make my full salary, I’ve got more than a 15% raise over that same time period. The only negative consequence is no bonus and a “you’re not making your hours so please make your hours” Convo.

      This year is fine and I expect to make my hours.

    7. I did this for 3 or 4 years before leaving for a smaller firm. My hours goal was about 80% of full-time. I worked roughly 7-2 but left earlier one day a week. My husband essentially got the kids to school or to the nanny (who came to us), and I took the afternoon shift. It worked fine in my practice area, but more and more associates were requesting similar deals, so the firm implemented a rule that such arrangements could not be permanent. That might be different now, but I could see the writing on the wall and left for a boutique firm. How well it will work is highly dependent upon your practice area. Mine is regulatory (similar to tax law), not litigation or deal work. Litigators I know who have done something similar have worked it out that they only write briefs. I do not know any deal lawyers who have successfully transitioned to part-time without going in-house or moving to smaller firms.

    8. My former small (~25 attorneys) firm had several successful part-timers. I think it largely depends on the type of work. Two were partner-level with their own clients, and just worked less and didn’t hustle to get more. Relevant to note, they were not actual partners and were paid on contract. One was associate level and that was a little harder – started out working full days but then switched to working as projects came in.

    9. I successfully was part time at my firm from the time my child was born until I made partner. (I am a biglaw equity litigation partner.) My firm had a “true-up” option where if I exceeded my target for any quarter, my compensation was “trued-up” so I never felt like I was being underpaid for doing more work. It was very effective for me. I did option 2, as per the categories from Anonymous at 12:13, and would do it again in a heartbeat.

    10. As others have said, I think this is a risky move at a firm. I did it in government with great success, returned to full time when it was right for me, and have received several promotions, so consider non-firm possibilities.

  18. Favorite no-budge eyeliner? Favorite blendable eyeshadow that won’t crease? Prefer lower pricepoint but willing to pay for the good stuff.

    1. The best blendable eyeliner that doesn’t crease are the Bobbi Brown shadow sticks. I like Golden Bronze and Golden Pink.

      1. Non-creasing shadow – the Laura Mercier caviar sticks. You have a little time to play with the color before it sets but then it has great staying power.

        1. This. It’s the only makeup I bring with me for travel – you can blend easily with a finger but they stay on all day (including when I had a day touring venues in Miami for a work event in July, ugh).

    2. I’m using Revlon color stay eyeliner and I really like it! It’s blendable/smudgeable but doesn’t move once it sets. I use charcoal smudged into my upper lash line pretty much daily, but I’ve also gotten and liked the black-brown color!

    3. Non-creasing and non-budging eyeliner: Eye Booster liquid liner from Physicians Formula

      Non-creasing and non-budging eyeshadow: Glossier Skywash

      Source: me, with my oily skin and eyelids

  19. My dream shapewear is a body suit with a built in bra in an F-H cup with boning and a waist tape. Has anyone found anything similar?

  20. My one-level-up boss has finally decided to submit the paperwork for my promotion at the end of the month …over two years after my then-boss agreed I’d earned it. Little do they know I have already accepted an offer elsewhere. I can’t even feel bad; this is absolutely a case of FAFO.

    1. I truly believe people can get almost a sixth sense that tells them you’re ready to walk out the door. It happened to me in my last job – I had been interviewing, was at offer stage with my current employer, and all of a sudden my boss came to me with a defined plan to promote me the following year and said she was working on a few of the workflow and workload issues I had been talking to her about for over a year. It was too late; I was out. No regrets, and OP, you likely will not have any either. Congratulations!

  21. I’m serving pizza and salad at an outdoor backyard bonfire gathering of neighborhood activists. For the salad, I’m going to buy those big bags (I don’t know how many ounces they are) of prepared salad from the produce section of Costco, in those cold rooms. I’ll probably buy the “Sweet Kale prepared salad kit.”

    Does anyone know about how many servings per bag I should assume, or how many ounces of salad per person?

    Looking online, one site says maybe 3.5 ounces of salad per person, but these numbers seem to vary a lot. We’ll mostly have older women (i.e., salad eaters).

    1. Just look at the serving size on the bag and multiply by the # of people. If the pizza’s any good, you won’t run out of salad.
      I hope no one ever looks at me and assumes all I want is salad. I will fight them for my slice.

    2. I buy the prepared kit bags from Sam’s Club. It is a 12 oz bag and says it is 3.5 servings. When I am eating it as the entire meal, I get two big servings from the bag. Using it as a side salad, I think you could assume 4-5 servings per bag.

      1. Same. One Sweet Kale bag is two servings if it is the whole meal.

        The quinoa salad in the deli section (near the roterssie chicken) is also DELICIOUS. I would both salads for variety.

          1. Costco also has one that is called the Organic Mediterranean salad kit. One will serve about 5-6 people with decent portions. I have served this at dinner parties and had people ask for the recipe for the salad dressing. I use exactly half of the dressing provided, FWIW.

  22. Where is fun in Manhattan for margs and tacos but isn’t a Murray hill disaster. Fun for adults.

    1. For a big group Rosa Mexicano will take reservations and the Union Square location is fun without being a nightmare. La Esquina is now more of a chain and less scene-y but the food is good.

  23. I need a new show to watch. Any suggestions? I’ve watched a lot over the years – Things I’ve watched and liked: Private Practice, Law & Order, Greys Anatomy, Virgin River, Sweet Magnolias, Gilmore Girls, FBI, NCIS, SWAT, Blue Bloods, Parenthood, Chicago Fire, Chicago Med, Bull, Station 19, 90210, Friends, 24, Homeland. I kind of miss when there used to be some silly new shows in the summer.

    1. It’s old but if you can find it streaming somewhere, Hart of Dixie is entertaining and somewhat in the Gilmore Girls vein.

    2. The Americans (highly, highly recommend)
      Ted Lasso
      This is Us
      A Million Little Things

      1. i’ve watched The Americans, Ted Lasso and This is Us. Maybe I will try A Million Little Things – thanks!

        1. I thought of a few more… The first few seasons of Revenge was really, really good. It kind of got too far fetched in the later seasons, but that did not stop me from watching. Same for The Affair.

    3. Ted Lasso, Succession, Billions. Dopesick was also good but it’s a shorter series. The Dropout was great.

    4. Oh my, I think we are TV doppelgangers!! And in that case, let me rummage through my “Next Episode” app and see what else I can recommend that’s not on your list – 911 and 911 Lone Start, Chesapeake Shores, Halo, How I Met Your Father, Outer Banks, Seal Team, Snowpiercer (the tv show), Mandalorian, Jack Ryan (Amazon), Yellowstone, Bones, Designated Survivor, House, Dexter, Entourage, Hart of Dixie, Hell on Wheels, Marvel’s Agent Carter, Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD, The 100, The Baker and the Beauty (ABC version), The Expanse, The Last Ship, and Younger.

    5. Panic on Prime. Jack Nicholson’s son is one of the main characters!

      If you have Netflix, Emily in Paris and Ozark.

    6. Maybe you watched these and didn’t like them, but I can see White Collar, Code Black, The Wire fitting into your list.

      Prodigal Son was fun while it lasted, as was Limitless, but maybe sillier than what you’re looking for!

    7. Travelers is exceedingly silly and great fun. You can watch it on Netflix.

    8. +1 for Hacks and Sex Lives of College Girls but Minx is the best new show I’ve seen in a loooong time. It has Amy Sherman Palladino vibes to me even though she isn’t involved.

    9. Some throwbacks I’ve enjoyed recently:
      – Murder She Wrote
      – Monk
      – The X Files

      Current stuff on my list:
      – Only Murders in the Building
      – Grace and Frankie
      – Borgen

  24. Thanks for all the responses on my post last week about the cost to cut down a tree. We were able to find a service with a reasonable price and the tree is coming down tomorrow! I do feel a very slight twinge of guilt for cutting down a healthy tree but its location is just so unfortunate. I am excited to never have to clean up a million limbs every spring and a million leaves every fall again! Also – just a tip I have found from getting various estimates, do no take their word for it that they have insurance. I had one person lined up to do the job who claimed to have insurance but he ghosted me when I asked for proof. The company we ultimately chose had no issue providing me with proof of insurance.

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