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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Tie-Waist Long-Sleeve Midi Dress

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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

This fun, floral-print midi dress from Standards & Practices has a nice balance between polished and slightly whimsical. Plus, great news, it’s machine washable! I’m usually on Team Flats, but I would probably wear this dress with at least a modest-sized heel or wedge in a fun color, just because I think it’s a more flattering look with a dress of this length.

The dress is $118 and available in sizes 1X–3X. It also comes in a solid cherry red (for $98) and a blue zebra print. Tie-Waist Long-Sleeve Midi Dress

An option in straight sizes comes from Topshop and is on sale for $47.50 (50% off) at Nordstrom. 

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Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.

Sales of note for 1/22/25:

  • Nordstrom – Cashmere on sale; AllSaints, Free People, Nike, Tory Burch, and Vince up to 60%; beauty deals up to 25% off
  • AllSaints – Clearance event, now up to 70% off (some of the best leather jackets!)
  • Ann Taylor – All sale dresses $40 (ends 1/23)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything
  • Boden – Clearance, up to 60% off!
  • DeMellier – Final reductions now on, free shipping and returns — includes select options like Montreal, Vancouver, and Venice
  • Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; extra 50% off all clearance, plus ELOQUII X kate spade new york collab just dropped
  • Everlane – Sale of the year, up to 70% off; new markdowns just added
  • J.Crew – Up to 40% off select styles; up to 50% off cashmere
  • J.Crew Factory – End of season sale, extra 60-70% off clearance, online only
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 40% off last-chance styles
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – Semi-Annual Red Door Sale – extra 50% off

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

274 Comments

    1. hahaha–it’s like you think we will ever go back to offices again. Hilarity. My company is now planning for 4 quarters of being “distributed.” #lesigh #staysafeeverybody

      1. Haha I thought the same thing, but clicking on the link shows it’s more like mid thigh.

  2. Anyone have suggestions for “sticker chart” apps?

    I have this thing where I help manage my anxiety / depression by making a list of simple things I want to do each day (wake up and sleep at a certain time, exercise, don’t eat snacks, etc) and I give myself a point every time I do them, and once I get a certain number of points I buy like a nail polish or some other small things. Yes, I treat myself like a toddler, but it helps me track it and the “gifts” at the end are always small.

    Anyways, I track this on a piece of paper, but that’s inconvenient. Any app / phone based suggestions?

    (Although one of the things is to be in my phone fewer than X hours!)

    2. I’d suggest googling on Teachers Pay Teachers or school counseling resources. Lots of school counselors are creating virtual resources like these for their students which might be adaptable for adult use.

    4. Daylio! It’s actually a mood tracker, but you can set activities and then mark that you did them each day. You can set goals for how much you do them (aka “every day,” “3 times a week”). I’ve been using it nightly for over a year and it’s cool seeing what activities do for my mood, too.

    5. I know you didn’t ask for hard copy, but I have a journal, the “You Got This!” Fitness Tracker. It has spaces for to-do, notes; today’s goals (met, reward); fitness; meals; water, sleep, self-care.

  3. If anyone is up for some vicarious shopping – my big summer wedding is officially a casualty of COVID. We’ve decided instead to do a courthouse wedding in our small town once the courts reopen (likely this summer). We’re both lawyers, so I’d love to get a beautiful suit to wear for the wedding (that I could then wear again, someday). White is good, but willing to entertain any color. Straight size; tall would be ideal. Can be a dress or skirt (even a sheath without a jacket would work). Budget preferably under $500. Thanks in advance.

    1. My friend did this (lawyer) and got something from St. John. There are a lot of sales now, so maybe this works with your budget or can get close? Otherwise, Boss, but IMO it will be more like a suit than a party suit (which St. John transitions to easily). The queen of Spain wears a ton of Boss and seems tall and always looks great.

      2. The words “winter white tweed” are like Kryptonite to me. That’s a gorgeous dress.

        1. OMG, I used to have a *gorgeous winter white tweed St John suit that I wore to weddings, etc. with a cream-colored blouse underneath. Very 1990s, but gorgeous! Alas, it’s probably sitting in a thrift store languishing away somewhere ….

    4. I like this Tahari suit and I think it would transition well to work after the fact:
      https://www.tahariasl.com/collections/skirt-suits/products/belted-jacket-with-pencil-skirt-set-tsma9wn014-ivory

      This is also very pretty if you like super simple and kind of classic:
      https://www.saksfifthavenue.com/boss-jileky-ponte-sheath-jacket/product/0400012414352?FOLDER%3C%3Efolder_id=2534374306418048&R=754117465701&P_name=BOSS&Ntt=white+suit&N=306418048

      And this is…not a suit, but just had to throw the link into the universe because I think it’s adorable for a courthouse wedding:
      https://www.reiss.com/us/p/bell-sleeve-shift-dress-womens-cora-in-ivory-white-cream/?category_id=1121&gaEeList=W%20-%20Dresses

    5. OK, not exactly a suit, but how about a white jumpsuit a la Black Halo? Or also this: Jay Godfrey
      Finley Beaded-Bodice Jumpsuit

      Black Halo also has their Jackie O dress in white, which I imagine looking super flattering.

      Boss has a nice white suiting dress at Nordstrom, but it’s only available in a couple sizes.

    7. if you wear a size 10, I have a never worn, ivory suit dress by Trina Turk hanging in my closet from when I eloped at City Hall, I’d be happy to send you as a wedding gift (I love courthouse weddings and really feel for you with cancelled plans). I didn’t wear it because I had a Carrie Bradshaw “I need a dress dress” moment. It’s super simple – 3/4 sleeves, kind of a popover top that looks like a short jacket, straight, knee length skirt. Let me know if you’re interested and we can email (post yours as I don’t have one of those burners for this site).

        1. Oh thanks y’all – if the OP isn’t interested, happy to take a waiting list – I haven’t been able to bring myself to give it to a donation spot but would love it to go to someone here (wish I had a link, but it’s from 2015 so I’m striking out)

          1. Is it the “Florence” popover dress, found on Pnterest at pin/426575395930069543/ ?

          2. Wow!! Yes, it is the Florence Popover Sheath Dress!!! I am impressed with your skills

          3. Yay!

            Thank you. I tried “Trina Turk ivory suit dress” in images search and got nowhere. Figuring that it was more a suit than a dress, at least the way Trina Turk would think about it, and was from 2015, I did “Trina Turk ivory suit 2015” in images. Top row, second from the left matched your description.

      6. OP here – Thank you so much. This is such an amazingly generous offer. I am, sadly, not a size 10. But your kindness has truly brought me joy after a very sad beginning to my week.

        1. Oh I’m glad it brightened your day and congratulations!! I married a lawyer too at City Hall and thought it would be great but I was a little concerned it wouldn’t have all the romance of the day. Turned out to be the absolute most romantic day ever and I wish that for you. (I also wish I’d stuck to my original idea of wearing that little suit dress….) I hope your day is fantastic

    8. OP here – Thank you all so much for your replies. I love several of these choices, especially that Reiss dress.

  4. Paging Sloan.

    I am just now seeing your comment from yesterday, and was delighted by your response. I remember you having a very difficult time with health issues, not to mention family & work stress back in 2017-2018. It makes me so happy to see you are doing so much better now. Thank you for the update! :)

  5. I need to get a divorce. This is long overdue (we’re talking years and years and years…), and finally yesterday I contacted some lawyers to start the conversation. I know it is the right decision, which makes it confusing for me to understand how this is so stressful and why I’ve waited for so long. We don’t even have complicated circumstances – no kids, no joint finances, no shared property. However, he is a narcissist by any definition, and a person who does not take minor setbacks well. He will view this as massively humiliating (he lied for years that we were married before we were because not being married was, in his view, humiliating), and he will blame me for everything that comes of it. I’m not ascribing blame; we just have no business being together and haven’t for a long time. We haven’t even gardened in two years. And yet, he will view this as a total surprise coming out of nowhere. He has never been physically violent and has no weapon currently, and despite occasional big talk, is not a man of action in any way. He’s extremely needy and has never been able to take care of himself – always needs a mommy figure attending to his needs. When I traveled a lot for work I thought he’d figure some of it out; he didn’t, and had a meltdown and demanded I come home.

    Part of this is scary for me because I’m not used to feeling this massive sense of unknown and fear that I’m suddenly feeling. I don’t know what I don’t know, and what I do know is that this is going to be terrible once it gets going. He is one of those people who finds the absolute most difficult way to deal with any issue, no matter how big or small the issue. And, in the past week, he’s been extra nice and helpful, which is making this so much harder. Of course, “nice” isn’t the problem, but it still makes it harder even though I know that we will both be so much happier in a different situation.

    I know some of you have been through this. I can’t talk about this much in real life. Advice? Support? Help?
    Thank you for listening!

    1. I am really unqualified to offer any advice, so I want to offer my compassion and one consideration. First, I’m so sorry you’re going through this difficult, but necessary, situation. It sounds really tough and you have my empathy – hugs! The unknown is super hard for me too. Onto the consideration – do you have a way to separate yourself from him if his reaction is in fact terrible once this process gets rolling? I have read so much about how the current circumstances exacerbate domestic violence dynamics. That’s all – I wish you the best!

      1. I left this guy. Even though it should have been blatantly obvious that things weren’t right (I communicated, communicated and communicated some more), when I finally got up the nerve to leave, he acted exactly like you think your husband will, and it wasn’t because he was blindly in love with me, it’s because it hit his ego. Hard.
        I made sure to make him whole and am not one to put my business out there for everyone. The result is that among our former mutual friends, I’m the one who “just left”. Oh well. You find out who your friends are. He moved on quickly to someone who seems to enjoy the fun part of him and doesn’t press him to adult.
        I’m working through the parts of what went wrong that I own and am not interested in another relationship any time soon. I am better off in every way than I was inside this relationship.

    2. When you’re viscerally scared and need to mention that he has no weapon currently I think you owe it to yourself to listen to those warning alarms. Call a domestic violence hotline- doesn’t matter if he’s never hit you, you are scared of him. They can help you make a plan for how to do this safely. And hopefully it’s unnecessary but better to be prepared to be safe.

      1. I agree with this anon. I am happy that you came to this important decision, and can’t wait for you to find joy and relief on the otherside. But doing this during a pandemic with few escape options stresses me out for you. If you call a DV helpline, they can at least help you come up with a plan, and have a safe strategy and outlet for when this turns sour. Sending you all my hugs!

    3. First, I applaud your bravery for making a difficult decision. It’s harder to leave the longer you’ve been together, and you should be proud that you are doing this even though you *know* it will be really hard. That being said, you will want to have everything planned out before you tell him. Obvious things like a place to stay, but also – do you have pets together? Decide who will take them and get all the stuff you’ll need together for that. You will want someone to help you pack up and move. Who will that be? Talk to them and schedule it at a date and time that they can be there. You’ll need the help and the support. Also – do you share a phone plan? If so, set up a new plan for just your number, before talking to him. You don’t want him to cancel your line. And I know you said you don’t share finances, but is he an authorized user on any of your credit cards or vice versa? If so, cancel that beforehand. No need to risk him running up a bunch of charges. I may think of more things later. Stay strong. You can do this.

      1. +1 Very sound advice. Have a full plan in place prior to a conversation.
        Wishing you the best in this!

    4. You are doing the right thing! Your feelings of stress and fear are not your gut trying to change your mind – more like trying to prepare you for what is ahead (like an overbearing mom who only makes you feel worse, perhaps? heh). Big hugs. Make sure you have a safe place to go!

    5. First, hugs. I recently through a divorce under similar circumstances (no kids, “simple” situation, fell out of love a long time ago but stayed because I felt he needed me), and while it was really hard, life is SO much better on the other side. Mine was precipitated by a sudden event though, which means I didn’t have a chance to plan and wish I had. So with the benefit of hindsight, here is my advice:
      – Have an “out” plan. I lived in my guest room for two weeks after I announced our divorce and it was so, so painful. I should have just coughed up the money for a hotel. Announce your decision, make it as quick and simple as you can, and then get out with your already packed suitcase. Even if you ultimately plan on keeping your home or lease, at that point the best thing to do is make an exit as soon as possible. It will be hard, it will emotional, you can try to talk it out a bit if it’s going well, but in my experience the best thing is to leave and let the other person process.
      – Your suitcase should include anything you can’t bear to lose, important paperwork regarding bank accounts, your passport and social security number, your work laptop, etc. Assuming your soon to be ex is a civilized person, he probably won’t go on a rampage and throw all your stuff out, but it might be a while before you go back into your home and it will be awkward and tense when you do.
      – Don’t start talking division of assets and the details right away. Give the person time to process the emotional side of it, then work it out. If you can, given the situation (no kids or shared property), you may be able to do this “amicably” (ie not in court). We did, although it wasn’t always that amicable, we agreed on a fair division of assets, personal items, etc. It wasn’t perfect, but you pick your battles. Ask about the laws regarding family property in your state and figure out the impact on your retirement, savings, and anything else.
      – Tell other people – your close friends, your family, whoever you feel close to. I was a little ashamed about it, especially since our big fancy wedding hadn’t been that long ago, but people I wasn’t even that close with completely rallied and my support system is now much more solid than it was when I was married. It made me wish I had been more open about my struggles during my marriage, but that’s a different story.
      – Finally, it is in no way your responsibility to be this man’s caretaker. I dealt with a tremendous amount of guilt around this (my ex had mental health issues and I was SO involved in dealing with them, I thought he would never make it without me). Turns out, he seems to be doing fine and I am a hundred million times happier.

    6. Good luck to you. It sounds like it’s been a long time coming and that it’s absolutely the right decision for your health and happiness. I’m no expert in this at all, but I do know that you should have a safe place to go just in case (even with a lack of physically violent history) on the day that you tell him, tell a friend what you’re planning to do in advance, and make sure you have control of your own accounts/finances that he doesn’t have access to. Best of luck.

      1. Good advice posted and although I don’t have any experience with this, it definitely seems like a good idea to tell someone when you plan to tell him and plan to check in with them after so that they know you are ok. Also sounds like good advice to have somewhere to go after you tell him, have important things already packed in your car if you can, cancel/replace credit cards that he has access to, and give him time to process the news before you try to work out bigger picture things. Good luck and sending you hugs!! You can do this. Keep us posted.

    7. No advice, but sending support. Even though this is going to very difficult, from the circumstances you describe, you are absolutely doing the right thing. Be kind to yourself and remember that you can only control your own reactions and happiness and cannot “manage” his feelings through this.

    8. Thank you all for the responses so far. It is more helpful than I can convey. Frankly, it is empowering to know that others have successfully made it through this. A few things in response to the comments so far:

      Fortunately, he’s not affiliated in any way with any of my accounts, credit cards, etc., nor am I with his. For almost 20 years I have been the primary (sometimes exclusive) breadwinner, but only in the past year has he started out-earning me. Which is good, because it means he can take care of himself. I don’t want his money, and I seriously doubt he will want mine. I’m on his health insurance but can get my own through work.
      We live in a rental, and I’m the only party to the lease. I don’t want to leave my apartment, but I understand I may have to have at least a short-term “out” plan, which I do. I assume the lawyer will be able to help me sort out my rights and obligations here, including the fact that I’m on the hook for the lease (and again, would like to stay).
      I do not put it past him to break or discard all of my stuff. Honestly, I don’t even care at this point. I just want out. I can get new stuff. I’m strong and independent and I can figure out my life going forward, probably even better without him in it.
      We don’t have pets together any more.

      THANK YOU all for the support and advice. Keep it coming!! Obviously my lawyer will help me with the legal stuff, but that’s not the part causing the most anxiety for me, so I really appreciate this community.

      1. I would consider telling your apartment complex and a neighbor beforehand that telling him is coming so they can keep an eye out for bad reactions/call the police if you have to leave for a bit.

      2. I went through (am still going through) a nasty divorce. He did trash a bunch of my stuff, but I had moved out the important items (sentimental jewelry). And I didn’t want to file because I knew it would suck. And honestly, it has sucked. It’s been ridiculously nasty – he’s called the cops on me 3 times now for nothing. But in the end, I know that it will be worth it. This is one of those – the only way out is through. And even though I’m not all the way through yet, I know it was the right decision and it will be better. A therapist and a close friend who went through a divorce a few years ago have been very very helpful as I work my way through the process. You can totally do it, just one step at a time.

      3. Re: your stuff.

        You have no idea how right you are. It’s just stuff.

        To make a long story short, one side of my family of origin (divorce) was/is in possession of some valuable things of mine. Some of it was outright stolen. Some of the value is monetary (solid gold rings, Tiffany jewelry, heirloom jewelry from the other side of my family); some of it is ‘merely’ sentimental (childhood stuffed animal given to me by the other side of the family). I named my child after one of the people who gave me some of these things, to give you an idea of how much the person meant to me.

        Their plan was to force me to deal with their toxicity in exchange for my stuff back. Thing is, it’s just stuff. Even the heirlooms that are 150 years old are just stuff, and my sanity and dignity are not ‘just stuff.’ I don’t think the people who gave me the heirlooms would want me to deal with gaslighting, toxicity, and cruelty to keep it in the family. If my stepsisters want to wear my jewelry as their own, I hope it makes them happy.

      4. Ugh yeah, I didn’t think about it before, but a relative divorced her lying, narcissistic husband in the 90s and he stole her guitar and family photos. He would have stolen more if his own daughters hadn’t alerted my relative to what he was up to and actually loaded stuff up in their cars to bring to my relative. They were amazing and even though they remained estranged from their father until his death, they remain in touch with my relative to this day. I guess my point is make sure to take any sentimental items with you or move them to a friend’s house in advance, but also that you’ll find that people are willing and able to help you.

    9. Remember that the “extra nice and helpful” he is being right now is too little, too late.

      1. And to add to this, any niceness now isn’t actually borne out of any actual niceness or compassion. It’s because narcissists rely on other people around them liking them and feeding their ego – they know if they push you too hard all the time you’ll be done with them, so they are just “nice” enough here and there to keep you around and forgive them for all their mistreatment: “Oh, but he is a good person deep down.” Niceness by a narcissist is part of the scam.

          1. Ugh – I’m SO sorry you’re going through this. I haven’t read it, but have heard good things about the book Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare (from a friend who recently went through a divorce with one such person) – it evidently also talks about how isolating it is because the narcissist convinces others that they were the ones wronged in the divorce. Sending internet hugs your way during all of this!

    10. Hugs! I echo what the others have already said. I can only say that we are here for you to vent. Men can be such losers, and when we find we need to disengage, we should, and without delay. All to many of us stick with these losers b/c we think things are going to get better, when most of the time they don’t. My dad encourages me to get Married, but at the same time, he does NOT want me to marry a loser, and fully supported me when I decided to cut my ex-boyfreind loose. And even though I am without a significant other, he thinks that I am better off single, at least until such time that a decent one shows up and is a keeper. Then, his advises me to “go all in”, meaning do NOT be shy, and to put my best foot forward immediately. So as you go thru to cut yourself loose from this schmoe, know that you have the power of the HIVE behind you, and do not hesitate to reach out for additional advice. Go for it!

    11. Hugs! You are brave and I congratulate you!! The magic of a new life can’t happen until you have the courage to leave the old life!

      In addition to Recently Divorced Anon’s very good advice, here is mine:

      1. Make sure he has no access to your money. Change your passwords just in case.
      2. When you make the break, make the break. It’s going to hurt like heck but just maintain radio silence. The task ahead of you is breaking the attachment to him so just don’t engage.
      3. Don’t chicken out. It took me three tries to leave my malignant narcissist and the first two times I looked back a year or so later and thought “Man, if I’d stuck it out I’d be in my new life by now.” Don’t be me.
      4. It’s going to be painful but the only way out is through. Keep repeating that to yourself. Other mantras that helped me were “This time next year things will be better” and “I just have to feel like this until I don’t feel like this any more.”
      5. If you don’t have a therapist, finding one might not be the worst idea. Just somebody to help you through the journey.

      HUGS! I AM ROOTING FOR YOU!!

      P.S. Yes, double triple co-sign have a plan to make yourself scarce once you tell him. I knew my husband would never leave so I just left even though it was my house. Totally worth it.

      1. I did exactly this, re: breaking up and having a plan in place to get in the car and leave immediately. I did not spend another night in our home.
        Our culture being what it is, I got a lot of crap from supposed friends for “just leaving” and how sudden it surely was for him (implying that I should be nursing him emotionally through our breakup). It was 100% the right thing to do, for me and for him, but you may well catch hell for it.

        1. Late reply, but you can never, ever win in the court of public opinion when you’re a woman who leaves her husband. People will always second guess you.

          I was a b1tch because my husband was “nice” (publicly). No one was interested in my side of the story, and after a few failed attempts to explain, I decided not to bore them with it.

          Let them think you’re a b1tch. Do what’s best for you!!!

          1. Yep, I’m completely good with being the no-fun asshole of the relationship. He was a lot of fun and that’s what people publicly saw, but he couldn’t or wouldn’t participate in the hard work of being in a partnership.
            Once it was clear that he wasn’t the least bit interested in sharing the everyday suck, it was so clear that leaving was the right thing to do, even if it really hurt at the time. His priorities were him>>>us>me while my priorities were us>him>>me. That sort of imbalance was not okay and not sustainable. Took me a long time to realize that it was that way and wasn’t going to change no matter how much I tried to communicate my needs.

      2. And conversely, I went out and rented an apartment that wasn’t going to be ready for a month, then came home and immediately told my husband, then moved into the guest room. If I had it to do over again, I wouldn’t have told him until maybe a week or so before (there was packing up to do so I couldn’t just leave).

        Also, I just remembered I paid for him to stay in a hotel the weekend I moved so I’d have privacy to pack up and go. WELL worth it.

    12. As a family law attorney who specializes in domestic violence, PLEASE trust your intuition as other posters have advised and read the very short chapter on domestic violence (“intimate enemies”) in the book called The Gift of Fear by Gavin De Becker who has protected presidents, hollywood stars and regular people (no connection with him). An inexpensive paperback which could save your life and give you a framework to help you gauge the next romantic partner(s) so that you can have a safe, happy, supportive relationship in the future. Could have saved myself 25 years of a violent, abusive marriage and recommend this book to every lawyer I know and every person who is in a concerning situation or who knows someone who is (i.e. all of us). Be extremely planful with the help of DV organizations (safety planning) and with trusted loved ones who support you. Prayers for your safe exit.

    13. Some digital advice, which I haven’t seen mentioned:
      -Change all your passwords. Every single one. Don’t reuse any old passwords that he might know. A password manager is really helpful if you don’t already use one.
      -For critical accounts (email, bank, etc.), change your security questions and remove him as a backup (e.g. recovery email address).
      -If you use any kind of cloud storage, go in and unshare documents and photos.
      -Report your credit cards as lost/stolen so you get issued new card numbers. Even though he wasn’t an authorized user, he probably had access to your cards at some point and could try to use the numbers online.
      -Determine whether he has access to any old devices of yours or any device that you’ve ever signed on to. I found out too late that my ex had been using my old laptop (that I thought I had cleaned off) and had access to all of my accounts because I was signed in to Chrome and LastPass on it.
      -Check your phone’s location services and make sure he doesn’t have access
      -Check your phone and computer for any software you didn’t install
      -Get a completely separate phone plan. If you want to be extra safe, ask your phone company to send you a new sim card (they can be cloned and used to stalk you or get info from your phone).
      -Take photos of any important documents and the serial number of any important items and store them in your email or the cloud in case they are lost or destroyed
      -Take photos or video of the whole apartment if/before you leave for documentation
      -If he leaves the apartment, take photos of any of his belongings in case you need to prove you didn’t harm or destroy them
      -Document any altercations or events. I found it helpful to message my sister about how things were going, what happened each day, etc., which was helpful later when I needed to go back and give a date/time for things. If he escalates his violence, it can also be used as evidence.
      -AFTER the divorce is finalized, be sure to remove him as a beneficiary on all insurance and accounts, including those through your work

      The best advice, honestly, is to contact a domestic violence hotline. They can help you get out safely and are experts at this sort of thing.

    14. Hugs!
      I went through this last fall (and am still going through it somewhat, though the final part of retrieving my stuff has been delayed due to the pandemic).

      what really helped and still helps me was finding the divorce and deadbedroom (may not be applicable to you) forums on reddit. if you want to chat, you can fine me there using the username i posted here.

      someone here recommended Marcie Evans Schulman and she helped me through this, so sooo much.

      we can do hard things, but it’s a little less harder with professional help and perhaps virtual friends.

  6. I abruptly left a job I’d been at for 8+years this past fall. It was a role with high emotional intensity, and blurred boundaries. Initially, it felt like a tremendous relief to be free of it, like I had rescued myself. Then, in the winter and especially now in this period of isolation I find myself missing it intensely, even my crazy boss. Can anyone identify with this/offer input? It feels like an extended, weird break-up mixed with the desire to get back into an emotionally abusive relationship. Sigh-I know this is something I should work out with a therapist, but curious to hear if others have experienced this.

    1. Its the drama…..you learned to manage and survive the drama….you are used to working in an environment of ’emotional intensity’ for 8 years. You need to relearn what normal is.

    2. It feels like a breakup because it is, in a sense. The emotional highs and lows can be addicting, even if they’re bad for you in the objective sense. I would definitely pursue counseling to work through your feelings about why you stayed, what you got out of it, and how to move forward. This isn’t easy — a bad job can and will haunt you if you don’t deal with the root causes. (Been there, done that.)

      1. OP here-thanks for the input. I have to get over regretting that I left in the first place. I know deep down that it’s for the best that I left and that over time I will form connections in my new position.

    3. Are you working? If not, maybe that’s what you really miss most in this unstructured time. I can empathize, at one point I was working with two charismatic bullies. It was like stepping into a lion’s cage, which creates an adrenaline rush. It’s ok not to do that, and get the rush by doing something physically challenging outside the workplace.

      1. I am working-ironically within the same district but at a different setting. It just feels extra challenging because I had only been at the new position for a little while before the closure happened.

    4. I could have written this! I had been working at a firm for 5+ years, and had been working for a narcissistic sociopath (I mean this pretty literally, not in an exaggerated way). It was insane and abusive, and just not a good situation at all. Toward the end it had gotten so bad that literal strangers were commenting on it if we were out in public – “I can’t believe he talked to you like that.” In January I decided I couldn’t take it anymore and was lucky enough to find a job within a few weeks and started my new job at the end of February/end of March. Two weeks later, COVID-19 hits and I’m quarantined as the brand new person at the firm.

      It’s been… weird. Part of me knows this is for the best, because I cannot imagine having to live through this while working for my old boss. I think I would have had an actual nervous breakdown by now; I was already on the brink of one just in normal times. But, on the other hand, it feels so weird because I never got the chance to know anyone at my new office before being thrown into lockdown, and so I feel like I’m kinda floating out here with no connections to anyone. Like, if the VPN goes down, I don’t even have any work friends to text and say, “Hey, my remote desktop is down, is it just me or are you having this too?” It makes me feel a little “homesick” so to speak, because despite the terrible dysfunction (or maybe because of it, to be honest), I felt really close with a lot of people at my old job. I think that what is happening is that in this time of uncertainty, I am just romanticizing my old job because it was familiar and comfortable and with some distance, I am letting the bad things go and only remembering the good things. What I do when I feel like this is just remind myself of how bad it actually was and jolt myself out of that.

      It is super hard; and I don’t think it would be AS hard if COVID wasn’t shutting everything down, but I think it would still be hard to some degree, because it is a big change in your day-to-day life. I don’t have very much advice, just commiseration mostly, and to remind yourself why you left in the first place. Don’t get sucked into some nostalgic memory of your old job – there was a reason you left.

    5. Been there. Left my previous organization after almost 8 years. It was regionally prestigious – when I was interviewing I got a lot of “why on earth do you want to leave?” But the awful leadership, the gossip, the infighting, plus my boss and I at loggerheads – it was time to go. And still sometimes I miss it! I miss the busy times when we were all pulling together, I miss the friends I made. I miss having a “cool” job. But I’m doing so, so much better where I am now (and getting paid more), and if I’d stayed my group might not have survived shutdown.

      All this to say – you’re not alone, it’s okay to feel nostalgia, but remember that you left for a reason and that you have a lot to look forward to in your new role.

    6. I can so relate to this. I was working for a narcissistic sociopath and his co-founder, who was the enabler but very soft on the outside toward me. I was a solo counsel. There was tons of stress and lots of understaffing, too many crises (caused by narcissistic sociopath). It was truly overwhelming. And once I left, I missed all the crazy. I even missed the “softer” boss, who, by all appearances to me, was my cheerleader, but clearly was not a supporter behind closed doors. And by “not a supporter” I mean, didn’t back me up when I said, “What you are proposing is illegal in multiple ways, and as your counsel, we need to find a different solution.” While I felt proud I did the right thing from a legal ethics standpoint, it was such an incredibly toxic environment. And yet…I missed it intensely after I left. Definite Stockholm Syndrome. I loved all the rest of my coworkers and we bonded against the CEO’s insane behavior. I am at a much more “boring” company now, and I’m much happier. But I miss it.

    7. I left my BigLaw firm after more than a decade – it was my only lawyer job ever. I had been mistreated (not great projects, underpaid, overworked) for years. What finally prompted me to leave was that I was overworked so badly at a trial that I collapsed at the charge conference. I had been awake for more than 80 hours straight – every attempt to take a “nap” was either met with preventing me from leaving the war room or calling my mobile repeatedly if I actually made it out. I had taken in so much caffeine, was running on a high from being yelled at all the time, and was probably to a point of delirium that I didn’t recognize that I had a high fever and pneumonia. I was admitted to the hospital. My husband had to drop everything and fly out to manage my care – I was having very frightening cognitive dysfunction and could not even communicate with the doctors. I guess it took them hours to even figure out who to call. I got an email while in the hospital that it was “inappropriate” that I “abandoned” my team and “put on such a display” at the charge conference. I responded with my notice.
      I am now at a small firm filled with BigLaw rejects, and am well-treated – good projects, promoted to partner, and ironically make more now than in BigLaw, which was the only reason I was staying there. Gah. I miss certain things about my old job – all of the resources we had available to us, but definitely not the drama and mistreatment.

      1. Wow! Thankful that you survived that situation. I left a scenario not nearly as bad as what you described for better position and pay and still struggle sometimes because it doesn’t feel like I’m working as hard as I used to and I wonder if I’m less effective or less important ..I have to remind myself that I wasn’t working harder in prior role in a productive way – I was working harder to manage drama and bad behaviors…for less pay. It’s a change.

  7. My kids are in 4th and 5th grade. School has been shut since mid-March. “School” is about an hour of fill-in.pdf worksheets a day and one or two social zooms a week (no live instruction) for 15 or 40 minutes each time. I get that this was bad in March, but I am just really disappointed in what passes for school now. I am going to start them on an hour a week of virtual math instruction (paid) and their scout troop is doing a lot of history/civics merit badges now (which I’m grateful for) taught by volunteers. We also have an art class outside of school that has gone to zoom classes.

    If we don’t go back in the fall (or do some weird stop-start thing periodically), I honestly think it may be time to just start homeschooling in earnest. But in the meantime, if you have similarly-aged kids, could you share what your schools are doing? For younger kids, just reading seems to be an OK path (and in K-3, our district puts copied work packets outside of the school each week for families to pick up) and older kids, even in our district, seem to have better school options (largely b/c those kids all had school chromebooks and the schools were able to deliver a lot more via lectures online (like maybe 2 hours/day in various courses, including math and science) b/c it seems that those kinks had been worked out naturally prior to this.

    1. Go easy on yourself. I have friends that are anxiously trying to get their kids “more” during this time. All districts are handling this in different ways that they can, so I’m not sure comparing will be constructive. If your 4th and 5th grader only have PDFs, maybe it’s because all the kids in the class don’t have access to Internet/computer and the playing field is being leveled by the school/teacher. The biggest piece of advice I have is to not borrow trouble, we have no way of knowing what the next school year will look like, but we can be sure our schools are going to do the best they can. In the meantime, check out Outschool resources, we have loved the few classes my K and 2nd grader have done. We do Kahn academy and Prodigy for Math, and my Pre-K and K kids still really like ABC mouse. Between those and getting them all to read in the way they are able, and working full time, I think they are set. The thing I’ve found is getting the kids involved in their own passion projects. Because then they are able to motivate themselves to do the work. Much to my chagrin, because I HATED circuits in college, my K LOVES circuits. We signed him up for an Outschool circuits class and he’s working his way through the snap circuit program. My 2nd grader is into starting businesses so we had him make a business plan and occasionally “consult” with him on different aspects (funny and such a kid thing, but he was only focused on making people pay him money, so it was fun to make him think about it from his “customer’s” perspective about what they are paying for). We plan to keep this routine up through the summer. Not focusing on the core requirements for the kids, but just keeping them engaged in what they are interested in. Anything we do, even if it were just reading and movies all day, is so much more than a lot of families can do at the moment. Making gross assumptions here but I’m betting most of the children of them women here are some of the more privileged kids out there. They will be okay.

      1. Yep. All of this. Think of this is a weird sabbatical. What would your kids want to do during this time? It also acknowledges how very strange these times are.

        1. I wouldn’t mind my kids having more. With such minimal work (or even “work”), we have very little to give them beyond chores and screen time. When they have 12+ hours a day a day to do nothing in, they get crabby fast some days with such little human contact and mental engagement. It’s like having a higher-energy dog in a very small apartment — they aren’t happy and then the trouble starts.

          1. I feel this comment in my bones! My kid could use more school work. When the academic year is over, it’s not going to look much different from what’s happening now.

          2. My son is only 5, but the description of “like having a high-energy dog in a very small apartment” is perfect!

      2. I’m a middle school teacher with an elementary schooler enrolled in a different district (both NYC suburbs). Both districts are offering brief, class/small group meetings once or twice a week. They only implemented this a couple of weeks ago though. Both districts have teachers producing instructional videos with corresponding activities. My elementary schooler has more work than I can manage, so we havent done art, music, library or PE since early April.
        I’m instructed to provide approx 1 hour of work per day for my subject. For me this means a mini-lesson via video, a couple of readings and a couple of writing prompts. My students have been assigned three “published” writing pieces since March. The completion rate (or completion to an acceptable standard) rate is a whole other story. Most of my students are producing as little as possible. I get it, but it’s frustrating. Something will have to change for distance learning to continue to be a viable option in Sept.
        Both districts have announced they are working on long-term plans. Details are hazy, but I believe they are working hard behind the scenes to be sure that everything is ready for Sept. I think the current model will receive a significant upgrade.

    2. I have a 6th grader, which is still elementary school in my town, and have had a completely different experience with his remote learning. As a matter of fact, after week 2, parents received an apology video from the Principal regarding the workload. I think we are in week 9 of remote learning and my son is still working from 9am until 3pm. Everything from Zoom instruction, to independent work, and specials like Spanish, Gym, Music and Library. Because there is so much work for all the grades, Friday’s are now catch up days (no new work, just catch up for those behind). Every other Wednesday is a half day so teachers can do planning. For some reason, our school district was ultra prepared for this. Kudos to them. But it’s a lot to manage when also working a full time job and running the house too. I’m ready for him to be bored all summer!

      1. Can I ask if your kid is in public or private school? My anecdotal evidence is that private schools tend to be providing more instruction (e.g., a friend is getting 5 hrs of live instruction for her 1st grader every day), and public schools seem to be doing less. Not sure if it’s a factor of the tuition payments and needing to provide “more” than the public schools, or limitations of public schools and resources of the population, or what. I think a happy medium is ideal, as 5 hrs of instruction doesn’t seem to be sustainabble when parents are working at the same time as they are supervising.
        To answer the original question, my state has set a goal of 90 mins for 1st graders and 120 for 3rd graders. My kids get assignments via their district-provided ipads first thing in the morning. It’s usually a combo of videos from the teacher (~1 per day), other videos, worksheets/activities, and zoom calls with the class 3-5 times a week. Many of our “extracurriculars” have also shifted to Zoom, so they also have piano lessons, spanish class, dance, and soccer to fill the time, as well as a theater class that we added recently. It’s… ok. wouldn’t want to have more to do and would want to have less. I’m looking forward to our summer sitter starting at the end of the month so that the kids can get more focused attention than we can provide while working.
        I know our district and school is working on plans for next year (actually, 3 sets of plans assuming we are likely to go back and forth between full eLearning, half-and-half, and full in-school throughout the 2020-21 school year). I expect those plans will be more coherent and comprehensive since they’ll have had 3+ months to work on them.

        1. IDK re that poster, but I am thinking of going to private/charter schools after this. I get that there are equity issues in public schools, but that isn’t news and they have always been there. The solution isn’t to leave everyone behind, which is my school system’s approach right now. But I can’t manage to homeschool my kids on my own while working FT, so I am going to need to outsource this.

      2. I am in this same situation with our well regarded public school. There is a lot of work for my middle schooler, which is set up like college classes: weekly material to review on your own, assignments to complete with multiple due dates, then office hours to ask questions. Each of the seven teachers do it a little differently, which is just beyond the executive function of my 6th grader. They have made it very clear that while the work is now pass/fail the expectation for quality work hasn’t gone away. If you don’t submit your best work on time, you won’t get credit and they will make you do SUMMER SCHOOL! I have no idea if this is an idle threat or not, but I’m not taking any chances. Just counting down the 5 weeks until this special hell is over.

        2nd grade is much easier. We are really focusing on reading, writing, and math.

    3. My son is in 1st grade, and that sounds exactly like what we have. but I’m disgusted by it, too.
      The broad reasoning has been that they can’t require any sort of lesson plan because not all kids can access/perform it remotely, which I get, but the fact is, kids like my son will be OK – we have the resources and ability to supplement, but the folks who don’t will fall further behind.

      1. Same thing you describe is happening here. I fully, 100% acknowledge that classroom teaching/planning/instruction =/= online teaching. I have absolutely zero expectation of live, hours-long instruction to happen daily. I’m a former classroom teacher myself and know that would just be impossible, especially when you account for the need for inclusionary learning. THAT ALL SAID, our teacher’s union is creating insurmountable road blocks for actual learning to occur. For example, we’ve seen some neighboring districts have teachers record 20 minute lessons and then release them for self-paced playback at home, which would be so much better than what we have now and the union is blocking it. There are teachers going around the union and doing it anyway, and I’ve heard are having their wrists slapped, but it’s unreal the problems it is creating. We’re in a suburban down of a big northeast city.

        1. This is what I’ve heard from teachers (they want to do more than the worksheets, but aren’t permitted).

      2. It’s a hard spot for schools. They didn’t know in March they were done for the year. Schools where every kid has a chrome book had a leg up. If you’re disgusted, do something productive with that. Talk to teachers and principals. Attend your remote school board meetings. Advocate for what you think if better and equitable and doable. Put your money where you mouth is and vote for robust school funding.

        2. I have been in touch with our school and our district, and they are completely freezing parents out.

        3. No no no do not talk to teachers about your disgust, they are just doing the best with what they’ve been given. Talk to the people who have decision making power and can direct the funds necessary for increased resources. People in high level administration of the school board or in government are the ones capable of making changes.

          1. Omg no don’t call them and say you are disgusted!! Nope. I meant more have a discussion about the lesson plan, ask if they have ideas to fill the day, ask what else your child could be doing.

        4. Nope — I do not need another task right now. I am just trying to survive. And orgs that are better deserve my support, not orgs that are worse.

          I am partially so livid right now b/c spouse and I have had major salary cuts and yet are working longer hours. Yet our schools are still paying their people while doing even less with no signs of being able or willing to do more. I am done. It was going to happen inevitably, but this was the final straw.

      3. Lyssa, you’re in TN, right? TN public schools have definitely taken a loose approach to it all. I can’t say it’s wrong (also have a first grader, so I’m less worried than if they were older), but it’s definitely hard.

        1. Yeah. And I do understand that they’re weren’t (and had no reason to be) prepared and that there are definite limitations on what they can do (I know some areas really don’t have internet access, for example). I just wish there were some more structure, and I really worry about the kids who don’t have willing or able parents.

          Maybe “disgust” was too harsh a word, but it just blows my mind how easily we as a country seem to have set aside school. It’s school!

          1. I am giving the district a pass for this year, but I expect them to prepare for the fall. So far, our district’s stated plan is business as usual, which means that they are going to be caught flat-footed again when someone in the school tests positive and they have to shut it down or send exposed students and staff home for two weeks. This is why we are planning to do a formal on-line program next year.

          2. It’s upsetting to me. I know it’s nothing new that some schools are literally several times better than other schools, but it’s not right, and it’s very visible right now.

    4. 8th grade. 7 hours a day of meaningless busywork, all on PDF worksheets because of concerns about access to technology. The school district has no plans for the fall. We are looking at on-line schools.

    5. My 2nd grader is doing about the same. Her teacher sends an email on Sundays with a weekly plan for writing, reading, math, and science/SS, but it’s very short and doesn’t take her long at all to finish. They also have one 30-min Zoom call each week, but it’s not instruction; it’s just to check-in and see everyone. I think part of the problem is not all kids are home all day. Our neighbors have a 2nd grader, kindergartener, and toddler, and because both parents are still working out-of-home every day, all 3 of their kids are at daycare all day. And even though I’m working from home, I’m trying to work (and, you know, make breakfast/lunch, and entertain our toddler), so I don’t have time to sit with her and help her work through new concepts. These are unprecedented times, and we’re all doing the best we can, including teachers and principals. I’m sure our children will catch up and be fine.

      1. I’m not sure though. My confidence in the school we’re currently in is pretty shot at this point.

    6. I was homeschooled K-12. Just for my perspective from that experience, it’s super normal for homeschooling to take up less time each day than in-person schooling. My siblings and I usually had a relatively late morning start (9ish), a generous lunch break, and rarely worked on school past early afternoon (at least before high school). That’s not to say your kids *aren’t* getting too little instruction, but I do think lower baseline hours are normal in this context. And none of us got too messed up from only doing school for a few hours a day, every day, until college–one of us is a tenure-track professor, one is a nurse practitioner, and one is a lawyer.
      If you’re looking to add instruction, and with the massive caveat that these are weird times and I don’t know that anyone should be trying to take on more right now, four low-supervision things that were effective and memorable learning experiences for me, years and years later:
      – educational computer games can be great (there were some great ones for math and geography back in my day, but I’m sure they’re much more varied and sophisticated now)
      – I appreciated geometry much more after jury-rigging an inclinometer and trying to figure out how tall the tree in my front yard was
      – I spent hours making models of buildings people in other cultures/historical societies lived in (popsicle sticks, glue guns, random craft supplies)
      – I spent a very long time out from under my parents’ feet collecting bugs, preserving them, and trying to identify what they were

      1. I feel like homeschooling in an apartment (us right now) with parks closed is just such suboptimal homeschooling. Like you could learn a lot by cooking with a parent, but a galley kitchen with limited counterspace and a parent zooming nearby work work when the rest of you need to be quiet is just . . . not good.

        Give me a farm and I might be able to manage this a lot better (or even a yard). The apartment wasn’t bad when we ate dinner there and went to bed. 24/7, a two bedroom with 4 people in it is SMALL.

      2. I’ve always sort of been recreationally interested in how people homeschool, though I doubt I would have done it with my own kids. Every homeschool instruction schedule I’ve ever seen takes less time than “real” school, so I haven’t really been that worried about the short instructional period that my kids have had in their public school. To be frank neither of them has significant issues in school and especially with the youngest, I think he would be fine going into the next grade if I stopped making him do schoolwork today.

        It’s not that I don’t think education is important, but I am very skeptical of the idea that long,
        rigorous periods of instruction are The One True Way.

    7. I am an elementary school teacher and I am not providing any live or recorded instruction unless a student asks for help. We were told by our division to provide 1-2 hours of daily work for students, limited to English Language Arts and Math. Some students finish work quickly (due to finding it easy or due to rushing) and some take a long time to complete a task (even at school) so I have tried to estimate to the middle.
      The work I assign is a mix of longer writing or research projects, short writing assignments, reading comprehension worksheets, reading summaries, Math lessons where I link to a video of another teacher teaching the lesson, and math review worksheets on past topics.
      If students completed all of the work I assigned, I would assign more. My statistics are that 6 of 28 students have done all of the work. If I look at all assignments, they are 70% complete- so most students are doing a chunk of the work but not all. Only one of my students has done nothing, and last week 4 students did nothing.
      To answer your question – if you are serious about home schooling, your division likely has a distance education option that you can enroll in. You could probably start now, but if you wait until September, look around your state for distance learning options. They are developed specifically for home use. I do not think regular schools will be as effective for home learning by September. My division has distance courses but my students are not enrolled. If we start next year online they will be, unless we still have the mandate to assign 1-2 hours of work a day.

      1. That seems crazy — why don’t they just have you provide live instruction because that is what students need for learning? Do you / schools at least say “no live instruction unless you ask for help?” My kids don’t think that they need help, but they do need instruction. And I need feedback — what are they doing / doing well / struggling with? Because stuff isn’t graded, we are also getting no feedback. It is beyond a joke and I see no sign that they can course-correct if any part of next year needs to be online (or if my kids get sick — that is also a possibility that they seem ill-prepared for). And I doubt if the teachers get sick that any sub will do anything meaningful.

        I should have sent my kids to private school. I fear that with schools, you get what you pay for.

        1. I’m confused about how you think it would work for an elementary school teacher to manage a classroom of 30 kids in a live online environment. (Hold a Zoom meeting where she lectures/presents/guides all of them from 9-12 and 1-3?) I really don’t know.

        2. Honestly, the assumption is that parents are providing the instruction. It is not ideal, and it is why I don’t assign that much work. Students need one-on-one support which is impossible online. In school, teachers help each kid, they constantly circulate. Parents are now that teacher. Regarding feedback, just ask the teacher how your child is doing. Ask the teacher to comment on your child’s work.
          FWIW, I don’t think it’s too late to switch to private school. Either way, if you have very high expectations of your child’s education, you should be supplementing their learning.

    8. My kids are in third and fifth grade at a large public school. We live in a metro area, but our much of our school district and state is largely poor and rural. Both kids do an hour live lesson on google hangout every day. It is recorded for kids who were unable to log on to watch later. The teacher does a math lesson on Tuesday and Thursday and a reading lesson on Monday and Wednesday, then they do science on Fridays. They then have 30 minutes of math or reading (depending on the day) on a website. They also have a “special” each day–Library, Art, P.E., Music, and then on Fridays the counselor does a recorded lesson where she reads a book and then has the kids answer questions about their feelings. Each classroom teacher and specials teacher also provides optional things the kids can do each day. Sometimes we do these things too. Our school district provided chromebooks and internet access for families that did not have these things.

      I also make my kids read everyday for an hour, go for an hour bike ride with me at lunchtime, complete about 30 minutes worth of chores, and do some coloring in these art books I got them. I find the coloring really helps them de-stress. But they are also pretty bored. They watch a lot of TV and play a lot of online games, some educational some not. We also play a lot of cards or board games in the evenings. It’s been tough. I am trying to work full-time as a lawyer during all this as well.

    9. Honestly, once I learned to read and write, school until 6th grade was mainly about socialization and learning to be among other kids. There was so much wasted waiting time–lining up time, transition time, getting that rowdy kid in the class to calm down, explaining things to the kids that weren’t listening the first time, etc; that 1 hour of instruction for elem school kids doesn’t sound at all unreasonable. I don’t have kids and I know I speak from a place of privilege and as a former middle school math teacher, but if you encourage reading, and engage kids in critical thinking (whether it’s the newspaper, age appropriate books, and get your kids to add/subtract/multiply and divide under 100 pretty quickly by the end of 6th grade, they’re probably ok. As a nyc public school teacher, it was difficult to expect kids to do ANY homework because they often lived with extended family, or didn’t have quiet space to do it, so I wouldn’t necessarily “blame the teacher” or the schools. It’s all of our first pandemics.

      Frankly, this sounds like a great time to encourage life skills like one of the other commenters mentioned (passion project, business plans, etc)–create art, if they do music, do more of that, encourage crafts, baking in the kitchen (math!).

  8. i like to shower at night, but I’ve been noticing that if i go to bed with wet hair, when i wake up my hair smells, my pillowcase smells and despite having a pillowcase liner, it goes through to the pillow itself and my pillows are all stained and smell. for those of you who shower at night – any tips to avoid this? ideas for salvaging a pillow that smells?

    1. Run pillow through the dryer; if that fails and you love the pillow, put it in a hot car in the sun for a while.

      Otherwise, dry towel over pillow? And wear hair in a turban or something prior to bed so it is damp vs wet.

    2. Check the type of pillow it is, but you can wash and dryer (either with dryer balls, or outside on a flat drying rack) most pillows. Vinegar + washing soda with a bit less of your normal detergent is great for getting smells out. If you can’t replace them – try a marshalls or homegoods once they re-ope, but washing couldn’t hurt (unless they are latex – do NOT wash latex).
      We’ve had 4 years of au pairs and have learned that teenage girls can match teenage boys for smelliness (and obliviousness to said smelliness). I’ve rescued pillows, comforters, and curtains after MONTHS of funk, you should be fine!

    5. I sleep with wet hair because I’m super lazy about styling my hair. I find that tossing the pillow in the dryer helps. Also I typically wear my hair in a bun on the top of my head for most of the night and that helps with the musty smell, but of course it takes longer to dry. I’ve tried a towel a few times, but I sleep on my side so it gets scratchy on my face. An old tshirt is more comfortable to sleep on.

      1. I find that going to bed with wet hair really helps me keep from feeling overheated as I’m falling asleep. And it’s the only way I’ve succeeded in bringing out my curls.

        1. Sorry, different Anon from the OP.

          If Kat is paying attention to discussions about too many anonymous user names, I would really enjoy it if I could choose a random “name for the day” without getting stuck in mod therefore.

    7. Can you get a soft hair turban and wear that to bed? (A terrycloth towel I think would be hard on skin and hair.)

    8. I do a cotton t-shirt or a yoga towel (mine is thinner and softer than a bath towel) over my pillow.

    9. I’m a night shower person and I blow dry my hair. If it’s still slightly damp, I place a towel on my pillow. Wet hair gives me headaches.

  10. The guy who shows up to every meeting 15 minutes late and then hijacks by asking a slew of questions that were already answered before he got there….is a thousand times more infuriating when everyone is WFH. Bitch, you’re at most a few rooms away from your laptop. Get your shit together and get on Skype promptly! I wish I had the authority to discipline these people.

    2. “Call me after to get caught up on the issues you missed at the beginning of the call.” Semi-shaming. If that doesn’t work, get even more curt next time. “We covered that already” and then move on.

      2. This is a years-long habit, so I doubt it. But I like that your instinct is to assume the best of a stranger.

        1. In that case, I might be a bit more blunt – We covered that at the start of the meeting, Steve, maybe you can get the notes from a classmate later.

  11. Back to linen bedding for a bit – if you’re a hot sleeper do you find it makes a noticeable difference? Just woke up from my fourth night in a row of tossing and turning because I’ve been too hot and I’m sick of it.

    1. Yes! It’s something to do with how it lies against my skin. It’s like it absorbs sweat without itself becoming wet. In comparison, cotton always feels soft in a bad way, like it’s clinging to my skin or like it gets weighed down easily. Linen feels like it’s skimming over my skin and letting it breathe. It’s a huge improvement in my opinion.

    2. This is why I get cotton percale sheets in the 300-ish thread count range and not super soft high thread count cotton — the very soft sheets feel clammy to me too.

  12. Just an FYI, if anyone likes the MZ Wallace quilted bags they have tons on sale today–a rarity for them. I ordered 2 (medium Metro, medium Sutton), because the prices were just unbeatable.

  13. I woke up early – is anyone else suffering from insomnia these days? I don’t know if it is menopause or pandemic stress or what. I fall asleep easily, then wake up over and over again in the middle of the night, plus tons of weird dreams . . .

    Anyway, what I came to say was that I used the extra time to purge my closet. I do this pretty often but today was especially deep. I typically work from home and only need office clothes maybe three or four times a month. I have no idea when I am going to be at an in-person meeting or mediation or trial again. I purged a TON of business clothes. I am compulsively buying tees and had to make room.

    Another bonus of getting up early – I was at the grocery store when it opened and scored Clorox wipes! One per customer but it was the BIG container!

    1. Yes! I tend to wake up and stare at the ceiling of a couple of hours in the middle of the night and then sleep through my morning alarm…

    2. I’ve been sleeping badly and am in need of a new mattress, but I’ve held off since I don’t want delivery people coming in to the house at the moment. We’ll see how much longer I can hold out though. I’ve always had exceptionally vivid dreams and they’re worse than ever these days.

    3. Suffering from the same-waking multiple times during the night and vivid strange dreams. Definitely not menopause due to age. It seems like everyone I have talked to is having sleep problems lately, so I am chalking it up to pandemic-related stress. One thing that has seemed to help somewhat is doing a Yoga with Adriene video before bed and then no screens.

    4. Yep. It’s not consistent, some nights are good, some nights are okay, and some are downright awful. My partner is having the same issue. I don’t normally use sleep aids, but nowadays it might be worth taking something like Zzquil or melatonin, as long as they don’t make getting up for work too difficult.

    5. My sleep is suffering too – I can’t seem to get enough and I am always tired no matter when I go to bed.

    6. We’re in the middle of hiring for a desperately needed position, and I had a stress dream that the preferred candidate (who I know and love) had lied by saying that a personal accomplishment of hers was to climb an extra hard rock wall alone but they all knew she couldn’t have done it alone (belaying) so they weren’t going to hire. Woke up panicked.

      So, yes. Sleep is weird now.

    7. Yes! I’ve been having trouble falling asleep, which is very unusual for me, and also staying asleep. I normally don’t have any problem getting good sleep. Judging on the dreams I’ve been having, I think it’s pandemic stress.

    8. Yes, I have been totally unable to stay asleep for more than a few hours at a time and I feel like a zombie. I tried melatonin to no avail. Finally contacted my doc for a low-dose sleep aid and it’s making a difference so far.

    9. My sleep has been awful since this whole thing started. I get a good night’s sleep maybe one night out of three and some nights I swear I don’t close my eyes at all. Ugh.

    10. I’m not having trouble waking up too early (I have only once in my life had that problem, and it was when I knew I needed to divorce my first husband, for what it’s worth.)

      I do have trouble falling asleep. I think my natural day is 25/26 hours so I could go to bed an hour later and get up an hour later every day and end up sleeping days for a while.

      It’s great that you got stuff done. It’s a lot harder to get things done at 1 am when you’re trying not to wake anyone else up. I played piano the other night and tried to play softly, used the una corda petal, but it still woke my husband. I didn’t know until the morning when he had some comments on my playing! (we are both musicians.)

      We should have c-r3tte chats for middle of the night people!

  14. Anyone else with creative side hustles they don’t expect to be able to pay the bills with, how have you dealt with perceptions of being less committed to your day job? I have been longlisted for a fairly important literary prize for the novel I’m working on, which is super exciting – but it’s occurred to me that I should maybe moderate quite how excited I am lest my colleagues and superiors think I’m not invested in my day job?

    1. I don’t talk to my coworkers about my side hustle ever. For this reason. I would never tell my boss that I have time for another job. Even though mine is super small (I have a blog column every other week). Boundaries are your friend.

      Also good luck! Brag to us! How do you get a prize for a work in progress? When do you write? What’s it about?

      1. It’s a prize specifically for unpublished novelists and only required submission of the first x pages and a synopsis – so it explicitly welcomed works in progress! I write evenings and weekends, but at a pretty slow pace because the day job takes up the brain space first and takes precedent.

        It’s a romantic comedy set in the world of libraries, pitched as perfect for fans of You’ve Got Mail.

      2. This. Talking about side hustles at all (unless it’s here) is usually a bad idea. A lot of people have the mistaken impression that with enough commitment, you can totally turn your side hustle into a lucrative, fun, at-home job paying six figures. Your job will think this and expect you to leave. Your friends will think this. People you meet at parties will ask when you’re going to quit your job and then act like you’re incompetent at your side hustle if it’s still a side hustle.

    2. Wow that’s super exciting. I wouldn’t worry about it unless your job is something all-consuming like Big Law where associates are expected to do nothing except work. If other people talk about their families and their travels and the sports they play recreationally, then I don’t see why a creative thing is any different. I’d absolutely tell my colleagues about something like this.

      1. That’s reassuring, thank you! My boss phoned me 20 minutes after I’d found out and I was still on the adrenaline high so there was no way to hide it.

    3. PSA for anyone responding to this thread: If you’re earning any income for a side gig, you may be required to disclose it to your day job, at least in the US. It’s less time consuming than a novel, but I’m a freelance writer with several paid gigs, include articles in our local magazine. When I told my boss about them to get him to sign the required paperwork, I emphasized (truthfully) that the pay was minimal so it was really a hobby and not a second job, and I would do the work entirely on evenings and weekends. I also told him of course I wouldn’t do it if he had any objections. He’s been fine with it and actually seeks out the magazine so he can read my articles and talk to me about them, which is sweet.I know someone who was fired by my employer for failing to disclose a side gig, so I take the disclosure rules very seriously.

      1. Oh yes, I’m in the UK but bound by my contract to disclose any outside activity, in case of conflicts of interest. Good shout! (Not yet earning any income through this – have previously disclosed charity work and when I spent a couple of months helping a friend with the social media of his new business).

      2. It would infuriate me if a company tried to tell me “No, you can only have the money WE give you.” But I don’t work in law, and make a LOT less than most posters here.

        1. I don’t work in law, I work in higher ed and am not especially well-paid. My employer doesn’t prevent me from earning outside money, they just want to know about all sources of income I have. I think disclosure requirements may be more common in the government (which includes all state universities) than in the private sector.

    4. Under our policies, I am required to disclose any other jobs, board appointments, etc., for conflicts of interest checks and approval. My boss generally doesn’t care as long as my work gets done, but when I moved into a new role he did fish around to see if I was going to teach (adjunct) again in the next semester. I had already made the decision not to because of the increased workload and wanted to be adjusted in my new role before taking on outside responsibilities, but he seemed relieved when I told him I wasn’t teaching this spring. Because of our policies and the prohibition of even perceived conflicts of interest I keep discussion of any outside employment, engagement, etc., to a minimum.

    5. First, HUGE CONGRATS on your novel, that’s amazing! If I was your colleague, I’d give you a virtual high-five and would totally want to know about your awesome side hustle accomplishment!

      To your actual question, I just do a good job at work and no one questions my commitment when I need to leave on time for my hobby. To be fair, I’m incredibly lucky to work for a company that puts emphasis on performance/outcomes, not face time/output, and generally encourages people to live their lives. My colleagues and bosses are good about treating kid commitments and hobby commitments with the same respect. Colleague needs to leave at 5:30pm for kid pick-up? Great, do that. I need to leave at 5:30pm to make it to hobby commitment? Great, do that. I’m reachable when anyone needs me (yep, even at midnight that one time that was NOT, in fact, an emergency, but sure, I can take care of this thing for you), so people don’t perceive me as less committed because I have a strict leaving time. I also publish/speak quite a bit in my field, and while that’s relevant to my job, it’s not specifically for my role. Everyone is supportive of that as well and they know that I’ll take meetings if needed as long as I’m not literally speaking onstage during the meeting time.

    6. Wow, Ribena, that’s amazing! Congratulations!

      It’s not a side hustle but when I was president of my service club, which was like having a second full time job, I was VERY low key about it. Invited people to one meeting where a colleague was the speaker but other than that kept it to myself.

    7. I found out that one of my employees wrote and published a book last month. YMMV but I would love to hear this from her – even during the process. I know her as a hard-worker and never assume that she is “cheating” her main job or wants to leave.If anything, I would try to do my best to support her. But now I understand why she may have left this out. Another of my employees is running a wholesale for building industry – again, I found by accident, but I find it rather inspirational and interesting. I love when people are able to live their lives fully.

  15. i love how people are so eager to run out and get their haircut or nails done or go to a restaurant, yet are holding off from rescheduling medical and dental appointments for themselves and their kids. I realize the latter might carry a bit more risk, but since every activity involves some layer of risk, it is interesting to see what people prioritize

    1. That’s so backwards to me. I’m going to have blood drawn and go to the doctor in 3 weeks because I need to be seen for my chronic condition and my condition is not one that can be effectively treated by telemedicine. Haircuts and pedicures are optional and I don’t see myself getting one for a loooong time.

      1. Same. I’m excited to go to the doctor in a couple weeks for a blood test to check to make sure my meds aren’t screwing up my liver, and hopefully a lung function test (although that might not be allowed still). I don’t know when I’ll get a haircut, and that’s OK, even though my hair is looking pretty shaggy dog.

      3. I need to get an MRI that I’ve been putting off and I think I’ll do it later this month. At some point, you do have to prioritize that regular (but non-emergent) care, although I’m going to call and ask what precautions I should take and what precautions they are taking.

        1. Agree with this. For what it’s worth, for medial stuff here it’s mandatory masks for everyone, they do a temperature screening and questionnaire before you can enter with hand sanitizer everywhere and lots of reminders to use it.

      1. Not exactly this comment, but firefighters and EMTs put out a statement this week that asked people to please, please call 911 for heart attack and stroke symptoms. Calls have been down significantly.

        1. this has been observed in hospitals everywhere and widely covered in the press.
          NYC: ER visits 50% down, Providence 50% fewer heart attacks, South Carolina 80% drop in reported strokes https://www.advisory.com/daily-briefing/2020/04/22/lost-patients
          TX https://www.chistlukeshealth.org/resources/fewer-heart-attacks-or-fewer-patients-going-er
          VT https://www.pressrepublican.com/news/coronavirus/cvph-doctor-er-safe-place-for-any-patient/article_f2b9d284-b3a5-5310-8a31-37cf874e436f.html
          FL https://www.news4jax.com/news/florida/2020/05/12/florida-er-visits-plummet-virus-scares-patients-from-care/
          CA https://www.theunion.com/lifestyles/health/doctors-urge-patients-to-seek-care-when-needed/

          1. I see your point but I don’t think this really proves that the same people who are currently making salon appointments are still avoiding doctors. At least in my city, it feels like half the people think this is NBD and are comfortable going anywhere, and half the people are terrified and locking themselves in their houses. I don’t know anyone who is scared of the doctor but going to the salon, and this data doesn’t really convince me otherwise.

          2. oh yeah, I didn’t mean that those are the same people. I just meant the drop in hospital visits is well established.

      3. I read two pieces in the Wall Street Journal that seem to support this. First, an “Families Delay Children’s Vaccines”, which showed the number of of TDAP, MMR and HPV vaccines administered dipping between 30% (MMR) and 65% (HPV). The source for the data was the Physicians Computer Co. The second was an opinion piece “Medical Lockdown Will Cause a Disease Surge” by two doctors urging people to seek medical help if sick. I saw a statistic somewhere (can’t find it now) that new cancer diagnosis are down, because people aren’t getting checked out with their early symptoms. Of course, if this is just a 6 week delay in immunization and diagnosis it’s going to be fine in 99% of cases. The danger is that immunizations and diagnosis aren’t delayed but are skipped.

    4. who is this ‘people’ you speak of, and are you sure there is any overlap between the former and the latter?

    5. I’d guess there’s a lot of overlap between the people who are running out to haircuts and restaurants, and those who are going to doctors’ appointments. All 3 members of my family are getting haircuts next week, with strict policies by the salon. But Kiddo has already been going to in-person OT appointments for a few weeks, and he is going to his annual check-up/vaccination appointment next week. He had a dentist appointment scheduled for this week, but his dentist’s office is not open yet.

      I’ve had 2 in-person doctor’s appointments scheduled within the last few weeks, but they were switched to telemedicine. I canceled them because I need to be seen in-person when they’re doing routine procedures again, and I don’t want to pay full price for a telemedicine appointment just to be told I need to come in. (For example, I have not had a pap smear in over 5 years, and my IUD needs to be replaced. I realize many things can be handled by telemedicine, but there’s no reason for me to do a telemedicine appointment instead of getting a pap smear.)

      1. I have been getting allergy shots b/c they have stayed open but can’t get a biopsy that I need. :(

      2. It’s also a lot more socially acceptable to publicly plan your first post-quarantine restaurant meal than to talk about finally getting that funny looking mole checked out. (I can show you – it’s right here on my back. What do you think of the boundary?)

    6. I feel like this comment was intended to start a fight, and I wonder why the OP posted it.

    7. At least in my state, most non-COVID medical procedures have re-opened, so I’m already doing those – was at the Dermatologist yesterday (medical). I’m not eager to go to the dentist because I hate the dentist, but that has nothing to do with COVID, just gives me an excuse to avoid something I hate. Therefore, haircuts/nail salons opening haven’t happened yet, so they’re something I look forward to.

      1. Yes my dentist isn’t taking appointments for cleaning until July but my hair salon is open. I am going to go next week. That seems right to me, as I believe the salon process is less risky ( no aerosols) than the dentist. Also, I need blood work done but that is for a medical reason that I don’t talk about with strangers. Happy to talk about getting my hair done though.

    9. I just put off my annual physical until July. I don’t really want to sit in my doctor’s waiting room right now, both for me and for her mostly elderly patients. I have a chronic cough that my doctor says is allergies, and I feel like people would come after me with pitchforks for coughing in a public space. Same reason I’ve been 100% instacart for groceries.

  16. Question for anyone that has pre-paid for beauty treatments – are you going to try to get refunded and if so, through the spa / salon or your credit card company? I have a massage pack that I emailed about refunding last week but I assume the spa staff is furloughed. I also have some laser hair removal treatments and just don’t see myself using for a long time (because of state guidelines over my own personal risk).

    1. I have a prepaid card for services at my local salon (which may not make it through to reopen at this point). I am considering it to be a donation to the employees at this point and mentally writing off the value.

    2. I have a laser hair removal treatment that has been rescheduled 3x times at this point. I prepaid for 6 sessions (to get a discounted rate) and this is the final one of that package. Before things went pear-shaped, I had been planning on adding a few more touch-up sessions, but I am so glad that I held off. Things are gradually reopening in my state: elective procedures got the go ahead on May 4th and just this week barbers/salons/bars/gyms were allowed to open at reduced capacity. My laser appointment is scheduled for mid June, so hopefully I’ll actually be able to use it. If not, I will probably ask for a partial refund for the value of the final session. Who knows if they’ll give it to me, though…

  17. If anyone needs something to do (or something for their kids to do!) the Seattle Public Library released their summer book bingo early! I’ll try to post a link in a second comment, but you can also just search “seattle book bingo 2020.”

  18. I think there are a few of you here who live in the Houston area. I’m looking for recommendations for a long weekend trip from Houston. I have a milestone anniversary next month and the big trip we had planned obviously isn’t going to happen. I’m looking for a 2 hour or less drive from Houston, pet friendly spot. We’ve lived in Houston 20+ years so we’ve done all of the obvious trips – Austin, SA, Dallas Corpus Christi, Galveston, Fredricksburg/Hill Country, etc – so I’m looking for something a little different. Any suggestions would be really appreciated. Thanks Ladies!

    1. It sounds like you’re looking at East Texas if you don’t want to repeat any of the areas you listed. Do you like the outdoors? The Jefferson/Caddo Lake area is cool.

    2. Rockport/Fulton? Very laid back, low key, but restful and quaint. I went there for my post-bar exam trip (many years ago!) and it was the perfect antidote to all that stress.

    3. We rented a ranch house outside of Brenham on VRBO and it was really fun and different.

    4. A month from now it’s going to be so hot around here. Have you been to Rockport? I think that’s more than two hours but very pet friendly. Or maybe you could rent an Airbnb on Lake Livingston or Lake Conroe. The Hill country is five hours from here so would you be open to New Orleans? That’s normally my go-to but not sure when I’ll be back given the circumstances. I’m sorry you’re having to reschedule because of all this. Caddo Lake is cool, but it is a swamp. I’ve been in the Fall and the bugs are overwhelming. Not sure I’d do a June trip out there but YMMV. If you don’t want water, I guess you could run out to Round Top and go antiquing? This is a hard question.

  19. Sorry for the Susie homemaker question here, but … I have too many things on my kitchen counters and am wondering what you do with the following:

    Bowls of onions, garlic, avocados, tomatoes, and other produce that doesn’t go in the fridge

    A toaster (we have a big one – bonus if you can recommend a really good, smaller footprint toaster)

    KitchenAid mixer

    Knife block

    Utensil canisters (2)

    Salt cellar

    Pepper grinder

    Olive oil bottle

    I would really like to reclaim this workspace and get it down to a big cutting board. If I do that, the knife block can stay.

    Open to all suggestions!

    1. This is hard to answer without knowing how much space you have generally. We installed shelving in the laundry room, which is off the kitchen to hold the small appliances we don’t use on a daily basis. For the knife block, can you get magnetic strips to install on the wall and get rid of the big block? Also consider whether you need the toaster. I haven’t had one for years and have never missed it. I either toast in a cast iron skillet that lives on the stovetop, or if I’m in more of a hurry, I turn the oven broiler on and toast the bread or bagel or whatever in there. Most utensils live in the drawer or on the laundry room shelving, but there is one canister for very frequently used utensils. We store tongs hanging on oven handle. Salt, pepper, and olive oil do stay on the counter for us because we use those so frequently. Sometimes we’ll set those things on the windowsill if we need to get them out of the way. Bowls of produce live in the pantry.

    2. I have all that and a dish drying rack and a coffee maker and an electric kettle. I clearly have too much but also don’t want to put the stuff away because I use it frequently (other than the kitchenaid, but that’s so heavy to move!)

    3. Do you have room for hanging storage or wall storage? A tiered hanging basket system may work to get your vegetables off the countertop. Floating shelves on a wall near the stovetop may work for olive oil, salt and pepper storage. In that same vein shelving on a wall may work for vegetable storage too.
      If you have an eating area with a table in or near the kitchen, store your veggies/fruit on a big platter on that table. They can make an attractive or unique centerpiece if you are consuming them before they go bad.
      If you have a full size pantry door and room in the pantry, putting hanging shelving on the backside of the door may give you more space to move items.
      Putting the mixer in the pantry or a cabinet. Even a hall closet to store till you actually need to use it may clear up space.
      Put the utensils in a drawer?
      Put the condiments in a cabinet near the oven?
      Store the salt and pepper on the stove top between the two back burners?
      Last ditch effort – Rid yourself of any of the items on your list you don’t use that much.

    4. I have a tall skinny wire rack for things like my crock pot, stock pot, etc. – the stuff that takes up too much space to be in a prime easy-to-reach cabinet and is too big/heavy to safely store on one of the high out-of-the-way shelves. There’s only one item per shelf so I don’t think it’s an eye sore or looks cluttered, but ymmv.

      Pare down your utensils so you have only one canister – get rid of stuff that has seen better days (the half melted spoon, the bent whisk, the ladle with the handle that always leaks gross dishwasher water when you take it out of the dishwasher… seriously let them go) and then get a bigger canister if you must. Personally, I’m always going to have a knife block, one utensil canister, and salt/pepper/cooking oil on my counter. I also like the look of having one bowl with avocados/onions/etc. but I wouldn’t want more than one bowl. Do you have a pantry to store extras?

    5. I have one vegetable basket; everything goes there or in the fridge.
      I do not have a toaster. I use a saute pan if i want crisp bread. I rarely eat toast.
      My mixer is out currently. At other times, I’ve kept it in a cabinet (I don’t use it much.)
      Knife block is out. Other times, knives have been in a drawer. I like being able to grab a knife without opening a drawer. Wall magnetic strips would work too
      Utensil canisters – I have one. I have weeded out all duplicates: one ladle, one spatula, etc.
      salt cellar – on the stove.
      pepper grinder – in the cabinet
      olive oil – in the cabinet
      cutting board – in the cabinet

    6. Olive oil doesn’t like to be near the stove, so as annoying as it is to have to get it down for every.single.recipe, maybe you could stash that in a cupboard.

    7. We have a magnetic knife block that sits on the side of the cabinets above the sink. It came with the house but I’ve come to love it.

    8. We have the salt cellar, pepper grinder, and olive oil bottle on a lazy Susan. love it.

      The knives are in a drawer with one of these things, which we love: https://www.surlatable.com/knife-dock/2093318.html. Utensils go in drawers, too.

      I made a deal with my husband that the Kitchen Aid goes in a cabinet and it’s his job to take it out and put it away each time (because he’s the guy who didn’t want it on the counter). So far so good.

          1. A garlic pot is usually a little ceramic or often terracotta jar with a lid and holes around it so air can circulate. My family had one.

      2. BTW you could probably put your utensil cannister on your lazy Susan, too. It corrals everything together which I think is a better look.

    9. Do your cabinets have pull-out shelves? They really helped me clean up my counters because I was able to fully use the space and it made it easier to get things out (and, critically, in).

    10. Toaster is on the counter because we use it every day. KitchenAid mixer is away on pantry shelf because we don’t use it every day. Do you have drawer space vs. knife block? Utensils go in the drawers too….Salt cellar and pepper are on counter for every day use, but olive oil bottle is put away. We have a few avocados and tomatoes on the counter because that’s where they belong. Onions can go into a drawer or cabinet in a cool space or if large bag, keep them in the garage where its cool. We keep our counters clear of anything not use daily.

    11. I keep onions and garlic in the pantry, along with olive oil. Tomatoes in the fridge. I put the salt and pepper in a kitchen cabinet. Utensils go in a drawer by the stove.

      Knife block, kitchen aid mixer, and toaster are on the counter. We have one fruit bowl.

    12. I think this is really hard to answer without knowing your kitchen layout, but I would say what I do is:
      – Knives get taken out of the block and stored with other utensils
      – Non-Fridge produce goes in a basket in a cabinet, or, if the fridge doesn’t hurt it, in the fridge.
      – I leave salt/pepper/olive oil out, though not right next to the stove. I got a cute marble tray and matching containers for each, so it looks more intentional and makes me happy.
      – I keep the toaster in an easily accessible cabinet, but I don’t make a lot of toast, so your move
      – I don’t keep a cutting board on the counter – I have a vertical cabinet where those get stored.
      – Kitchen aid goes in a cabinet, but again, you might use yours more than I do (2-3x a week for me, not worth taking up the counter space).
      – Cooking utensils go in a drawer designated for frequently used cooking utensils (wooden spoons and the like)

      A lot of this was buying cabinet organizers and installing specific things (like a lazy susan to make corner cabinets more accessible) in the cabinets to make them more useful and make me more able to get things off the counter. The container store has some great ideas, and a lot of those products can be found on Am*zon for less.

    13. Do you regularly need to make four slices of toast at once? I have a two-slice toaster which is much smaller visually and tucks away to one side.
      I only have one utensil canister out, anything that doesn’t fit into it goes in the cutlery drawer or the one below it that’s filled with whatnots. Salt and pepper grinders are also in the cutlery drawer. Oils and vinegars are in the cupboard above that.
      And yes, just one veg basket. Mine is the Risatorp from Ikea to give an idea of size.

    14. -Onions and garlic go in the cabinet (I’ve always heard they like the dark)
      -Attractive produce – bowls in the dining area rather than on counters (it’s pretty!). Be mindful you’re not storing things that ripen other things – bananas etc – close together unless you want faster ripening.
      -Salt, pepper, olive oil all go in the cabinet. We use a vintage butter dish to collect the inevitable salt and pepper escapees.

      Toaster – for us goes in a cabinet that’s near the most convenient outlet.
      Utensil canisters – can they be winnowed down into those that you use all the time (stay) vs those you use only for occasional meals (looking at you, whisk and ladle)?
      Knife block – either keep or replace with magnetic strip.
      Mixer – ours is used so infrequently it lives in the basement. What can I say, we’re not bakers.

    15. In my old house we had a wall mounted magnetic knife strip and I loved it. I want one for our new house but the backsplash is tile so I haven’t taken the plunge yet.
      Utensils go in a drawer (or two- we have a dedicated spatula drawer)
      Olive oil (and all cooking oils) goes in the cupboard next to the stove.
      Onions, avocado, etc. are on a console in the dining room, next to the fruit bowl. In our old house which was smaller these often sat on the window sill, or sat on the table of our eat in kitchen, or we also had a small rolling kitchen cart that we used to set things on.
      Garlic goes in a small garlic keeper jar.
      Our current house has a whole lot more space than our last house so we have one whole counter devoted to appliances (coffee maker, blender, toaster oven, InstantPot) – this has felt like such a luxury. At our old house it was just coffee maker and toaster oven on the counter while all other appliances were kept in the basement until needed.
      Maybe focus on finding a new place for some of the big things to live, and then contain the little things on a tray so that you can easily move that stuff around when you need to?

      1. I mounted my magnetic knife strip with Command Strips on our rental cupboard. Maybe that would work for your tile backsplash?

    16. I prefer a magnetic knife strip to keep knives out of the way. Otherwise, can you store the KitchenAid and put the bowl of onions on top of the fridge?

    17. Bowl of produce not in fridge: lives on top of our microwave
      Toaster: dont have one because there wasnt enough counter space; it is annoying to have to do toast in the oven, but given the number of times a month I toast things, it’s doable–if it was every day though, I’d figure out some way to make one work
      KitchenAid mixer: I bought a small rolling cart/island and made it a “baking station”. Whenever I want to use my KicthenAid, I roll the cart over closer to an outlet
      Knife block: I have a Bodum Bistro universal knife block from Amaz*n. It’s very slim line and lives tucked between my microwave (on the counter) and fridge.
      Utensil canisters: I only have one on my counter (Oxo rotating canister). If it doesn’t fit in there, it needs to go in a drawer. I keep my most-used items in it, and have tongs propped around the edge so one side of them is in the canister, and the other side is hanging out.
      Salt, pepper, olive oil: in the cabinet right next to the stove–it’s really not that big a deal to grab these

    19. My mom and dad have (or had) one of those tiered baskets you hang from the ceiling for the onions, tomatoes, and garlic, so that’s an idea if one bowl on the counter isn’t enough. I want to get this but our kitchen ceiling is very high.

      If you have the space for it, one of those kitchen islands on wheels is very useful. Extra storage and prep space. Best $50 I’ve spent for my space.

      I keep salt, pepper, olive oil, and other oils an seasonings in cabinets by the stove. We got a Spicy Shelf to keep the spice cabinet organized. Depending on your setup, there’s a magnetic shelf you can order from Amazon that sits on the side of your fridge and can hold some essentials you use every day.

      For appliances we don’t use often, we have a set of metal shelves from Costco in the corner where we keep mostly pots and pans, but also appliances on the bottom shelf. We also keep the crepe maker and one of the slow cooker on top of the fridge.

    20. I keep the utensil canister in a cabinet next to the stove. Salt, pepper, and olive oil live in the pantry with the rest of the ingredients. I put the cutting boards away in the cabinet. I toast things in the toaster oven to avoid having to keep a separate toaster. If you have a bigger pantry than I do (and you almost certainly do–mine is not really even a pantry, just a two-foot-wide closet with shelves), fruit and veg bowls should go in the pantry where it is cool and dark. If you have the drawer space, get an in-drawer knife block.

    21. Bowls of onions – onion bag stored in pantry/dark cupboard
      garlic – garlic pot in pantry/dark cupboard
      avocados /bananas/pineapple – fridge as soon as they are ripe
      tomatoes – bowl on counter/table

      A toaster – do you use it a lot? Daily? Weekly? Unless it’s weekly or more, in a cupboard
      KitchenAid mixer – cupboard
      Knife block – drawer with knife slot thingy
      Utensil canisters – one wooden spoon, one spatula, one whisk, one ladle, one flat thingy for pans in the canister, the rest in a cupboard or drawer.

      Salt cellar – I would leave this on the counter, but I love salt. Otherwise cupboard next to stove
      Pepper grinder – cupboard next to stove
      Olive oil bottle – cupboard next to stove – olive oil keeps best in the dark, don’t keep it out

      I think the only thing that must stay out, are the tomatoes. :)

    22. I have knives in a horizontal block in the drawer next to the stove. I have olive oil and salt and pepper in the cabinet next to the stove. Kitchen aid is in a lower cabinet because I don’t use it that often. Utensil canister is on the counter next to the stove. Cutting boards are stored vertically in the cabinet over the oven. Toaster oven and blender live on the counter because I use them daily. Oh, and I have one bowl on the counter for produce that doesn’t go into the refrigerator, but if I was convinced I wouldn’t forget about them, I’d love to put them in a basket in a cupboard.

  20. I did pre-conception genetic testing a few weeks ago, and my doctor just called and asked me to come in tomorrow to discuss the results. I’m not normally anxious, but I’m very nervous that they asked me to come in instead of just telling me over the phone. Overreacting?

    1. I wouldn’t worry about it. If I remember correctly, the worst case scenario is you and your partner are both carriers for the same condition(s) and have to do IVF, which maybe your doctor just wants to talk about in person. But that is not a big deal, its just info you need to plan accordingly, right? (I did this earlier this year too, luckily partner and I do not carry the same conditions, but we are both carriers of various genetic conditions).

      1. +1
        We had to do IVF (for reasons unrelated to genetic screening) and one of my friends in my fertility yoga class was doing IVF due to genetic screening – she and her husband were both carriers for the same condition. She’s due this summer.
        Also – some doctors will only give these types of results in person, regardless of whether they are “good” or “bad”.

    2. My doctor insisted I come in and there was nothing wrong. You just won’t know until tomorrow fingers crossed.

  21. Recommendations for a really good kitchen knife? I love to cook but my knife set it a run of the mill type from a department store. Don’t really have the budget for a full set but looking for maybe a chef’s knife and paring knife.

    2. Not fancy, but I love my Victorinox fibrox chefs knife and paring knife. I only have those 2 plus a random bread knife. They’re all I need. Very sharp, and I like them being relatively light weight.

    3. I have a top of the line Henckels that I’ve had for 20+ years and is still going strong.

      For me, it’s important to feel the knife in my hand. A store like Sur La Table will generally have an area where you can test out knives with things to cut like carrots.

      You should also know whether you prefer a classic chef’s knife or a santoku type. Different shape of blade, personal preference.

      If you want to get really into this check out places like serious eats – here’s their review
      https://www.seriouseats.com/2019/04/the-best-essential-knives.html

      I have found that people who cook a lot are Extremely Opinionated about their knives (including me) so take the commentariat with a grain of salt.

      1. PS more important than getting the right knife is getting it sharpened regularly. A dull $400 knife is no better than a $10 knife from Target.

        I like KnifeAid for sharpening. It’s a mail order service out of LA. My local mom& pop grocery has a knife sharpener come in once or twice a month and I used to do that, but the hours weren’t conducive to commuting and traveling for work, so I kept missing the days.

    4. I love my Wusthof Ikon knives. Williams Sonoma seems to have the best prices. I have the 7″ hollow edge santoku knife, 3.5″ paring knife, and a serrated bread knife.

    5. I love love my Global knives. You need a special Global sharpener for them (but it was pretty cheap) since they have a different blade angle than regular knives. I bought 2 but will get more as my budget allows.

  22. Fav dry shampoo? I’ve used batiste for years but lately have noticed it leaves a dandruff-like residue that doesn’t go away no matter how much I brush out my hair and makes my scalp very itchy. I have medium straight hair, hair color is “bronde”.

    1. I like Verb dry shampoo for blonde hair, but I think most dry shampoos leave some residue.

    2. I like NYM Clean Freak. Caveat: I use dry shampoos infrequently because IME they all cause itching and build-up, so my follow-up wash always includes a good fingernail scrubbing with Neutrogena T-Sal shampoo.

  23. I think one of my personal challenges in navigating our new reality will be … well, some will call it being a pushover, I prefer to think of it as, uh … being polite to a fault. I stepped outside yesterday intending to just get our mail, but ended up speaking with our (delightful!) mail carrier for a bit. I was on our front steps and we were a reasonable distance away, but neither of us were wearing masks and he was holding our mail (wearing gloves) and it seemed so rude to say, “Oh, you can just leave that stuff on the step, I’ll pick it up!” without feeling like I was sending a weird message, so I ended up just taking it from him. Which gave me a moment of pause, but he didn’t seem concerned.

    In a similar vein, my daughter’s best friend lives down the street. Both of her parents are essential workers (her mom is a pediatrician) and they’ve done some Zoom calls but her mom often suggests things that I’m not entirely comfortable with … going to the yogurt shop (that just reopened), getting the girls together. We’re close enough that I could say, “You know, I’m just not ready for that yet.” but it still feels like I’m passing judgment on her being comfortable with it, and perhaps even her judgment as a healthcare professional!

    My darling neighbor was having her nail lady come over and invited me to come over for a mani/pedi in her backyard and I demurred, saying that I was trying to see how long I could go natural, haha. But I felt quite rude declining!

    Our (small) extended family had plans for an AirBnB over Fourth of July that everyone said, “Yes, we’re still ready to go!” and I was like, “Aw, heck no!” But I really struggled with pushing back because I wasn’t sure if I was overreacting, or letting my comfort level dictate something for a much larger group of people.

    I think part of it is that I’m constantly interrogating myself about whether I’m just overreacting/letting anxiety speak, or if this is a “real”/valid risk and never quite confident about whether I’m responding appropriately. It’s a larger issue, but it’s already coming up

    1. I have been in similar situations and I’ve framed it as “Oh, I’m still going to the office so I’m erring on the side of not exposing people to my cooties!” And if people push back I stand firm.

      Basically you get to decide what you’re comfortable with, and you get to stand up for yourself.

      1. “Basically you get to decide what you’re comfortable with, and you get to stand up for yourself.”

        This is good advice for life in general. The current situation presents an excellent opportunity to model this for your daughter.

    2. What helps me is practicing once or twice in advance and having an idea of how you want to say things. If someone tries to brush past you in the common mail room, for example, you can practice saying “excuse me, do you mind waiting a sec until I’m done? Thanks, gotta social distance!” or if someone swoops in for a handshake “I’m not doing handshakes right now, but it’s great to meet you!”

      Ultimately, having boundaries is not at all rude. Practice a few phrases until you find ones you like. Then you can be like me – I decided to simply say “hey, be careful, we need to social distance!” when the neighbor’s kid nearly crashed into me rollerblading in the courtyard for the sixth time. The words came out, but like 50% louder than intended. Good thing my tone was friendly…?

      1. A small child crashed into a lamppost when trying to cycle around me, burst into tears, and told his parents “I DON’T LIKE THAT LADY” in a loud voice. All I had done was ask if he was okay!

    3. Yeah I wouldn’t overthink this. For the family gathering, dr. neighbor and mani/pedi neighbor, I’d have no problem saying — I’m not ready for that you but hope you all have fun. You can also say something self deprecating and/or signaling that it’s not like you’re not ready today but will be good to go by Friday — along the lines of “yeah IDK when I’ll be ready for vacations/playdates/manis.” It’ll suggest to them not to ask you.

      The mail guy — yeah that would’ve happened to me too. Honestly what I’ve been doing there (which I’m aware isn’t mentally healthy) is just avoiding people contact/chatting. Because you’re right when you have chatted for 5 min, then it seems rude to say — uh I’m not taking something from your hands, leave it on the step. I feel like if I saw him coming, I’d wave/yell hello from a distance and walk back inside/look like I was getting on a call and then he’d be forced to leave the mail.

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