ByElizabeth Hours Updated
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Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Tipped Ruffle-Cuff Sheath Dress

As we’re easing back into in-office life, I’m straight-up refusing to wear anything that feels even remotely tight or constricting. This dress from Ann Taylor looks super professional, but it’s still made of a lovely soft and stretchy material.

With the elbow-length sleeves, I wouldn’t feel obligated to add a jacket or sweater. I would probably just add a dangly necklace and some comfy flats. (I cannot even begin to wrap my mind around wearing heels again!)

The dress is $129 at Ann Taylor (but be on the lookout for their frequent sales) and comes in sizes 00–18.

Two plus-size options are at Lands' End (18W–26W; $60.57 on sale) and Nordstrom Rack (1X–3X; $69.97 on sale).

Sales of note for 12.5

Sales of note for 12.5

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

361 Comments

  1. I am having a visceral negative reaction to that sleeve ruffle. It feels so tacked-on and to me makes the dress look childish. And it’s otherwise a great dress! Longer for tall folks, machine washable, nice neutral color. The ruffle is just sending me over the edge this morning.

    1. Interesting – I love the ruffle! It feels like a nice but not over the top detail. That said, this dress seems to fall in the category of “the model looks great but it would stretch in asymmetrical ways if I wore it.”

      1. I like it too but from previous experience I just think ‘ooh that’s going to look weird under a cardigan sleeve.’
        I have a lot of tops and dresses that are mostly very un-embellished and then have one small frill in the same fabric and I really like it.

    3. I agree, the ruffle ruins it. I think maybe I’d be okay with it if it wasn’t in a contrasting color?

      3. Depending on how it’s attached, you could remove it. A few years ago I had a dress from Ann Taylor that I really liked, except it had a DOUBLE ruffle on the sleeves. Way too much ruffle! So I just cut one of the ruffles off – it was joined at the inside of the sleeve, so I was able to just snip it off.

        1. For $129, you should not have to do any alterations! I agree that the model looks kind of silly wearing those shoes, but these days, almost anything goes in the office, b/c they are so anxious to get us back in the office, and I am happy to go b/c I have put on so much weight during the COVID lockdown. I will have to stick to A line dresses until I can get my tuchus under control, which won’t be in time for the beach this summer; mabye Labor Day, but it was so easy to eat with the refridgerator right there all day. PTOOEY! Kat and Kate and Elizabeth should take a poll to see how the HIVE made out during the pandemic, asking how many pounds everyone gained (or lost) since March 2020. I suspect most people gained weight and a very few lost a pound or 2.

  2. Has anyone used Trunk Club recently, and specifically since they somewhat rebranded and got rid of the personally assigned stylists? If you liked it before, is it still as effective as it had been in terms of responsiveness to your desired style and budget? I loved it in before times and I’m ramping up to go back in sometime soon so I was thinking of getting a trunk or two for a few things, but I’m nervous it’s lost it’s luster.

    1. I had loved it pre-COVID, tried it mid-COVID and had a terrible experience. The stylist was very non-responsive to my requests, didn’t listen to feedback on the initial trunk and when I very politely complained to customer service asking that they address it in some way they canceled my account and I can no longer get trunks. So I’d vote no.

      1. That’s disappointing. I LOVED it pre-Covid, and I didn’t realize they had gotten rid of the personal stylists…. I thought mine must have quit and they just hadn’t assigned a new person yet. I’ve been declining trunks since last spring, so I haven’t had the chance to try it recently, but my best experiences with them have been in person in their DC showroom. Maybe the answer is to go back in person once things reopen?

    2. LOVED pre-covid. Tried during, the stylist clearly did not look at my inspiration board or listen to what I was saying at all. Pre-COVID, I could say things like “I’m looking for a beige trench rain coat, preferably with a hood, and some good white sneakers.” and get multiple options of each of those things. I said something similar to the stylist during COVID and got some truly bizarre, unrelated items.

  3. I am being walloped by depression all of a sudden. And I don’t get it. Things are getting better. My parents have gotten their first vaccine. DH and I have gotten our first shots. Things are looking up! And yet, my mood is so dark, so low that it is kind of freaking me out. Maybe I’ve just become accustomed to things being a total sh!tshow that I don’t really believe there’s a light at the end of the tunnel? Or it’s the cognitive dissonance of things are getting better, but I still feel very tied to my house and not really free yet. IDK. Can anyone relate? I just feel this heaviness that I can’t shake and want to sleep constantly.

    1. Yep. Same here. Starting therapy again. Solidarity and compassion to you, my friend.

    2. Don’t underestimate the emotional impact of the pandemic anniversary. For me, there’s a lot coming up since the start of March, because it was a year ago that I was last in the office full-time, a year ago that I was stashing toilet paper. For many parents, their kids haven’t been in school in person for a year. It’s staggering.

      3. + a whole lot to this! Although weirdly for me, anticipating that anniversary was worse. I had a hard time last month knowing it was coming. Now that it’s here I feel . . . fine.

    4. I totally relate. There was a recent episode of Call Your Girlfriend podcast on pandemic burnout/ depression which I found helpful

    5. The time change + pandemic anniversary have both hit me really hard. Take care of yourself.

        2. I’ve never understand how an hour time change makes that much difference to people. It’s not like you’re traveling to Asia and upside-down in terms of food and sleep.

          2. The time change has eliminated the early morning light that helped me get out of bed before 7am. The cold and grayness isn’t helping either.

          4. Science seems to disagree with you, given the increase in people in ERs with heart attacks and the incidence of traffic accidents in the week following the switch to daylight savings time.

      2. Yes. I’m blaming everything this week on the time change. Doesn’t help that last week was very sunny here, and this week we’re back to overcast quasi-winter.

    6. Life is infinitely better for me today than a year ago: I’m no longer unemployed, my daughter is in preschool all day, I know how Covid affects my chronic medical issues, and I’ll be fully vaccinated by Easter (one perk of being medically vulnerable). Yet, I am STRUGGLING. Everything happening this week is a reminder of what life was like this time last year, in an only-slightly-less-than-traumatizing way: The types of flowers blooming right now, planning my Easter menu for 3 of us, walks outside after dinner with the sunlight at a certain angle. Pick up the phone and connect with the help you need without second-guessing yourself. The year anniversary is hard.

    7. Hello:
      Yes, I can relate. Please do get into a doctor and let us know how it goes.
      Also please be gentle on yourself. Is there a little treat you can give yourself — a bag of Easter candy or a magazine or book you ordinarily wouldn’t let yourself have?

    8. I feel like the closer we get to the end of covid the more this whole year weighs on me. After a year of it, I’ve gotten very used to being at home. For most of September-now, I didn’t think much about getting back to normal. It was the status quo and I’m good at working within a status quo. But now the status quo seems likely to change for the better and all that anticipation is bringing up a lot of feelings for me. So that’s how I’m rationalizing the depression, personally.

      As always, talk to your doctor, do whatever self care works for you, drink your water, go outside and get some sunlight if you can, get good meals so you’re not running deficient on any micronutrients that might contribute to your mood, and other than that, best of luck riding it out. You got this.

    9. I have read somewhere that pandemic PTSD is a thing. In the last year, there were so many unknowns and we dealt with it, making decisions every day, dealing with grocery supplies, WFH or in-person requirements, keeping our families safe, some of our decisions our viewpoints causing or worsening conflicts with friends, parents, kids etc… All on top of fearing for our health.

      To me it feels like now that we are used to it and vaccines are opening other options, I am starting to digest what has happened this past year. And no, THIS IS NOT A NORMAL SITUATION.

      And also, there is more decision making in our future – what does “reentering a new normal” look like? Will be resume life as it was? Will all people previously around us be a part of it, or are some relationships lost forever? What new priorities have we individually discovered that may not align with others’?

      So, I would say, it is normal to feel sad and disconnected, but you should talk to your doctor or therapist.

      1. And also, some (or many) of us have lost friends or family members to Covid, or are dealing with Covid-related health issues of family or self. That is very very hard.

      2. Something I’ve been struggling with: as things start to reopen, and the weather makes outdoor in-person socializing more possible, we’re having to navigate judgment call-type situations again. Are we okay with eating on an outdoor patio? If yes, would we be okay with inviting friends? Only the friends who are vaccinated? What if a friend has had one shot, but not the second? My husband works in healthcare so he’s been vaccinated for a while now, and he has a higher tolerance for risk than I do anyway, so that’s another dynamic to navigate–is he going socialize indoors with his also-vaccinated coworkers? Is he going to a friend’s wedding in May? Etc., etc., etc., whereas over the winter it was really clear what we were and weren’t doing.

        2. Those are really good points. Between not knowing what “normal” will look like, still having to make risk calculations all the time, and feeling slightly agoraphobic from not having been around people much for the past year, I feel apprehensive about being able to go out again.

          And then I feel guilty that I almost feel like I’m dreading being able to leave my house more freely, when I should be looking forward to it.

        3. All of this.

          Also agree with PolyD above – I’m almost dreading having to navigate all this.

    10. You are not alone — this is a really tough month for a lot of people, myself included. Something about all the things lost over the past year has caught up with me. Not to mention the weight of all the lives lost.

      I know you don’t mention it explicitly, but anytime someone says they are freaked out by their mental health I feel compelled to share the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255. Call if you need it. An acquaintance recently took his life with no outward signals ahead of time, and it really drove home for me that everyone is suffering, just in different ways.

    11. I feel the same. Just upped my therapy sessions to 2x a week. I find that many people are expressing optimism, but my mind always goes to the worst-case scenario (the variants will take over! this is only a temporary drop in cases!) and ultimately tells me THIS IS THE WAY THINGS ARE NOW. I know this is not rational and yet… after the last year, how can we be sure of anything anymore? Will we always live wondering when the other shoe (next pandemic) is going to drop? I don’t know.

      After a year of being totally locked down, I don’t even know how to re-enter the world. I miss gatherings and museums and restaurants and travel and new places so much it hurts. Some days I feel like I cannot stand walking in my neighborhood one more time. I’ve been disappointed in myself when I realize how much of the joys of my previous life came from non-COVID-compliant things. Yes, I enjoy simple pleasures and 1-on-1 outdoor walks with friends… but in the context of a full life that also includes concerts, group dinners out, weekend trips, and museums. Hanging out in cafes. Lingering at a store, just browsing with no real purpose. Friendly interactions with people on the street or in shops or at the office. Without those things, life feels really bleak. I’m scared it will never get back to the way it used to be.

      Anyway, did not mean to threadjack. Just wanted to say you are not alone! And I am cautiously optimistic that therapy will help us cope. One of the biggest things I’ve learned in therapy is that you can only control yourself and you cannot predict the future — even in pre-COVID times. We never really knew what was going to happen. We only felt we had the illusion of control! So all we can do is take things day by day. In a way, that makes it simpler. I can handle just today, right?

      Hugs and best of luck to you as you cope. We are all going through it and grieving differently. There is no wrong way to feel.

    12. I know the doctor recommendations are meant well, but there is nothing wrong with you. This still sucks. A light at the end of the tunnel is great news but we are still in the tunnel. And the tunnel blows. Life isn’t normal yet. There’s also a thing that happens when you cope because you have to and you don’t feel all the feelings. With things getting better, you can start to feel again because the need to cope is receding. What you are feeling is normal, and common to many of us. Hang in there, this will eventually pass.

      1. It’s possible for there to be nothing wrong and for a doctor to help. I was very low at the end of the summer and it was all a very normal reaction – school was starting and it wasn’t of course how I’d hoped it would be, we had no daycare or summer camp and couldn’t take the kids outside for about a month because of the heat so they were cranky and needy, etc. I didn’t want to make any changes because it was normal but at my physical my doctor tweaked my meds anyway and it worked wonders.

        1. I think there’s a difference between tweaking meds you’re already taking because of an underlying condition and starting a new medication for the sole purpose of coping with a really terrible situation.

          1. I really struggled late last summer, and went on meds as a result. Would I have been depressed absent COVID? Likely not. I think it was a very common and normal reaction. Did the meds do wonders for me? Yes. Situational depression is still depression and there is nothing wrong with treating it, same as I would any other medical condition.

    13. I’m struggling with going back to the office, to the point that it’s finally kicked my job search into gear. My mental and physical health were greatly improved by remote work. Knowing I have to return to getting up at 4:00, driving 3 hours a day, being groggy and sleep-deprived all the time…it feels like I’m mourning this better version of myself.

      1. I feel this way too. Remote work and a reduced work load gave me time, mental space, and emotional bandwidth that I channeled into my personal life in some great ways this year. I’m really scared for the return to “normal” re: work and the impact this will have on my new personal life. Just creates a sinking feeling in my stomach. Now that I’ve seen how much better things can be for me I don’t think I can go back, but I’m also not confident in my ability to automatically start setting effective boundaries and making time for everything I could fit in during the pandemic.

    14. March is always my worst month, by far. Worse than when there’s less daylight and colder weather. I suspect it’s because it feels “so close yet so far” from warm spring days… which is actually a little bit like how a lot of us feel about COVID and everything that goes with it.

      1. I thought I was the only one! I think as it starts getting warmer, you think more about the things you miss going out and doing. In the cold and the dark, it’s easy, in fact desirable, to just hole up at home and ignore the world.

        Interesting factoid – when I was in college (in the Midwest, to give you and idea of the weather) I’d skip my period for the month of March. I don’t know why, and it wasn’t because I might have been pregnant, but I remember a few Marches where I didn’t get my period.

    15. Yep, there with you. One of indicators a depressive episode is coming on is rages, and I have been reaching that point every day for a week. Hanging to talk to my therapist tomorrow, but know you aren’t alone.

    16. OP here. I’m taking in all your comments. Thank you for making me feel less alone. I will be copying and pasting all these responses into a doc so I can go back and read them again later. This is all so very hard.

      1. Thank you for your original post – reading the comments has been helpful to me too. Hang in there OP!

    18. You’ve gotten excellent insights here, and it sounds like you have a plan for taking care of yourself, so I know you’ll work through this. I just wanted to say that I kind of look at it like any frightening/surprising situation … you’re in survival mode and then once you know you’re “safe”, that’s when the emotion comes flooding in. Your brain knows you can’t possibly process what’s happened while you’re in the middle of it so it waits. Now that there’s light at the end of the tunnel, this is when you’re going to feel a lot of things you kept (consciously or unconsciously) locked down (sorry) this past year. It’s okay. We’re right there with you.

    19. From past experience with depression, sometimes it is after things lift and you are able to shift out of survival mode that the darkness hits. Either there is enough relief pressure to process or more likely, I felt it all the time but didn’t notice or could attribute it to said problem. Talk to your doctor, and don’t be afraid of medication. Good luck.

    20. It seems normal to feel depressed right now. Any time during the past year, really, but even now, when things seem to be looking up. As the adrenaline fades, you feel the dread. But also, that’s the wretched part of depression – you feel depressed even when there seems to be no reason to. That’s what makes it depression.

      My depressions has been under control all this time, surprisingly — but it’s partly because I’m so overwhelmed by being home 24/7 and all the spinning plates. I suspect that things will hit me later, once we get vaccinated and can even consider going back to normal.

      And +1 to the time change comments. I don’t care much about daylight in the evening, but getting up in pitch dark sucks big time, commute or no. (I still have to get up early to get some focused work time in before kiddo wakes up.)

    21. Girl, I am right there next to you. I’ve had COVID and I’m fully vax’d so I feel like I should be excited about getting back to my beautiful office, and getting back to doing the things I used to do. But depression is just kicking my butt today. I don’t want to return to my office; I really don’t even want to leave the house. And I’m on 2 anti-depressants already. One thing I’ve done for housework overwhelm is take a stack of index cards and write tiny projects on each card, such as “clean left third of kitchen counter.” Then I shuffle the cards and when I feel like it, I grab one and do the chore listed on there, no excuses. Sounds silly, but it’s helping me. Maybe I should break down my work assignments that way too. It’s so affirming to read I’m not alone with this one-year anniversary depression – I hadn’t made the connection yet, but yes, it was one year ago that we all got sent home from work.

    22. I am at the back of the vaccine queue; for me it’s been overwhelming to know we have to somehow stay safe through the Summer, the emergence of variants and lots of misguided reopening. Our County currently thinks it won’t finish vaccines until the end of July.

    23. You should talk to a medical professional if this keeps up b/c you don’t want depression to ruin all the hard work you did getting this far thru the Pandemic. You’ve taken care of your parents and yourself and DH re vaccine so it won’t be long now until you can venture out w/o worrying. Plus, you have a DH to support you through the episodic events, so feel free to lean on him as he does you when he needs something. You will make it. Just stay strong! YAY!!!!

    24. Thank you for posting this — reading the comments has been really helpful for me and I hope for you too.
      My therapist said she could double book herself 10 hours a day and still refer clients out, because so many people are struggling. I’m feeling:
      – resentment for people who traveled internationally, had fun, and barely changed their lives over the last year, but are already vaccinated.
      – envy of friends who have a lot more money now that they aren’t paying for restaurants, Ubers, and travel. Meanwhile, my husband and I are both barely hanging on financially — COVID really hurt our industries, so we’ve been working nonstop for a year with much less money to show for it.
      – lonely as I watch vaccinated friends get back to some version of life.
      – trapped because our plans to move are indefinitely on hold given our financial situation and the tanked housing market in our city.
      – grief for the things and people that we’ve lost.

      Please know you’re not alone.

  4. Best tips for a first week spent with a SO? We both live alone, we are long distance, the most we have spent together is 3 days. We will be renting a friends cabin, away from our normal homes, and no typical tourist distractions.

    1. If this is a male SO, don’t mommy him. Sit back. Relax. Observe. Does he contribute to planning? Does he cook/procure food/find restaurants? Does he clean? Does he hang up towels? Absolutely contribute yourself as well but observe what he does.

      1. YES. I always say “begin as you mean to go on.” This is NOT the time to show off your domestic skills because whatever level of waiting-on and service you provide now is what he will expect forever after. Do not train him to expect to be waited on.

        Also: If you are in close quarters, bring a bottle of poopourri for the bathroom.

    2. Even with an SO that I am married to and live with full time, a week is a long time to just stare into each other’s eyes. In previous trips with other partners, I’ve had that lead to a lot of time to overthink/get into overwrought conversations for no reason. So I would plan on a few things to just occupy your time together, and maybe plan in advance on each having some separate downtime so there won’t be hurt feelings if it turns out you both need that. Things I can think of off the top of my head that I would bring to do with my SO in this scenario: ingredients to cook an elaborate meal, puzzles, movies, yoga mat to do yoga together (or workout videos of your choice/running shoes), video game console if you like video games (I know this doesn’t seem romantic, but could create some fun/goofy energy if you need that), playing cards, books (sometimes on vacation I just want to sit near my SO and read – I find it so relaxing), ingredients to test out new/complicated cocktails, etc. etc.

      1. Also, whenever I’ve gone on trips like this with past long distance SOs, sometimes there is a lot of pressure for it to be the. perfect. week. because you don’t get to see each other too often. So don’t freak out if you have a moment of anxiety about it not being perfect. Having said that, I hope you have a great trip!

      2. +1 to all of those ideas to occupy time.

        Also, bring a portable speaker + downloaded playlists/podcasts for background music/noise. That plus a 500 piece puzzle are great pastimes.

        With all that said, don’t schedule or bank on that stuff happening. Bring the things so you have it, but don’t force anything.

    3. Agree with finding specific activities to do together to pass the time. For me, it would be finding a nice hike or walk during the days, or even driving a short distance for some activity one or two days. I’d also think of some nice meals to cook in the evenings (and plan ahead so you can bring what you need to make them), and have board games or card games at night.

      Also, in a week, you don’t need to spend every waking moment together. Make it clear that it’s OK to go off and read a book, or for one person to sit on the porch drinking coffee, or for the two of you to enjoy being near each other without doing the same activity all the time. Just find the right balance.

  5. Biglaw midlevel corporate associate in a secondary market here. Any tips on how you’re supposed to make target while doing the invoicing / client management, and also do the client-building elements? As I get more senior I’m doing less of the grunt work where you could bill 7-9hrs a day in DD or drafting and all of this bitty stuff and I am struggling to make my daily target even though I’m working 12 hours a day. Am I just doing something wrong? I’ve started getting asked to speak on panels / conferences etc in the past year or so and I want to do those from a profile-building perspective but then I’m not billing and it’s stressful. Am I just supposed to work longer? Somehow this was easier when I was just at the office for 14 hours!

    1. No idea but the admin stuff skyrockets the more senior you get. I liked practicing law. I liked counseling clients. I don’t like dealing with management stuff but it would be OK if it weren’t such a time suck and I didn’t already have a job on top of it.

    2. I think you probably need to keep better track of your time. I had a similar issue for different reasons – I worked on a very large number of matters each day so there was a lot of switching between them. Someon suggested using an app with timers to track my time. I would open up an entry for each client I thought I might work on, and start and stop the timers as I went during the day.

      It was eye opening for me – I was losing 10-20% of my time! I was losing things like “sending a quick email” (which was often 15 minutes of strategic advice ) or “calling opposing counsel back for a minute” (which was often 10 minutes of negotiating).

    3. It’s hard. You do need to track your time well – spent 15 minutes reviewing an email? Make sure to bill that. All the 0.2s add up, but it’s not as easy as billing 10 hours of DD. Does your firm give any credit for speaking on panels? Mine does, up to a point…

      1. This is a huge part of the answer. You have to be a lot more diligent about making sure you capture EVERYTHING you do. I use timers too, because when I don’t, I always underestimate my time. I am always surprised to see that something that I thought was 0.2 was actually 0.4. One thing I try to do is log when I arrive in the morning and when I leave at night, say it’s 10 hours–and try to account for all of that, even my lunch and coffee/chat with coworker breaks. That way, I know I didn’t miss anything.

        Also, lean on your firm resources as much as possible. I use law clerks and our marketing dept to help me with my presentations and powerpoints, our non-attorney staff to put together first drafts of proposals or send emails for the firm committees I serve on, my secretary to respond to non-billable requests and enter my time, etc. etc. etc. Basically be as diligent as you can on trying to delegate non-billable work.

        Finally, as you do it more, you will get more efficient at it. I can create presentations quickly now, and often just freshen up old ones. I no longer have to practice my presentations several times over. I try to find ways to sneak small billable tasks in during the day. It’s a really different way of billing, than just having a chunk of hours on your timesheet, but with time, you will get used to it. I will say, though–I love it when I do get a big project that takes a chunk of time. So know that this is a super common thing!

        1. This is very true about speaking on panels. It will harder the first couple of times you do it but will become easier with experience.

    4. This is what sucks the most about being a law firm lawyer. For me, it meant that I took on more billable projects than I should (I have a tendency to say “yes” to everything), my work day was longer and I logged in after dinner to do more work just about every night. It is exhausting and I progressively shifted to a midlaw firm and now a smaller law firm where the overall billable hour expectations were lower overall. It gets easier, but no until you become an equity partner, so if you are sick of the hamster wheel, consider shifting firms or going in-house.

  6. It looks like people are still wearing Golden Goose sneakers. I can’t decide whether to fully hate the idea of shockingly expensive sneakers that look dirty and worn out of the box or be jealous I didn’t think of this first. I guess it is also brilliant because you don’t really need to ever get a new pair if they get more scuffed or dirty.

    1. They are super comfortable. Branding is not obnoxious like huge double GG belt for example. I’m a fan.

      1. I get that they are comfortable, but are they comfortable in a way that $100 sneakers are not? Like doubly or triply so? Or is it that it now looks OK to wear them with a dress or cute casual outfits (vs something less comfy, like Swedish Has-beens)?

        For just being around the house, I can’t justify it. Maybe if I were going to Ibiza . . . [or are Golden Gooses just a US thing?]

        1. For a lot of people they are not that expensive relatively compare to their income. They are comfortable, hand made, nice. For sure not for everyone . Sorry not trying to be obnoxious,

          1. They are hand-made? That is like couture-level sneakers. I did not know that this existed.

          2. +1 They’re hand made in Italy and will never be able to compete price-wise with $80 Nikes that are made in Asian sweatshops. This is timely because I was thinking of pulling the trigger on some that are on sale (left in my size only!). I like the clean-looking ones though :)

    4. What I don’t understand is why these super expensive shoes are not available in true women’s sizes. For that much money, they can have separate men’s and women’s lasts. I refuse to pay $500 for sneakers that are too wide to fit my female foot.

  7. It’s Wednesday and I want to look at nice things. Please drop your aspirational-life handbags.

    Me, being practical-aspirational: the Mulberry small zipped Bayswater in gray or maybe green
    Me, being aspirational-aspirational: Alexander McQueen Story in black with gold spikes

    3. I’d like a big obnoxious LV Neverfull in the large size (it is french, can’t remember if it is the GM or something else) or a Goyard in a bright color with custom stripes and a monogram painted on it. Like on the Goyard, hot pink and orange and maybe a touch of yellow or red. I am very magpie when I dream.

      IRL I monogrammed an Away bag (before they were known to be evil) and it was secretly thrilling. But this way no one walks away with my fungible bag.

    4. I’m a big fan of the ‘lady-like’ bags – the new Celine large 16 bag is gorgeous. I also love the Aspinal of London Mayfair, Florence, and Grace bags.

    5. Seriously I realize I’m basic but I’d love a Birkin for everyday and a Chanel flap bag with chain strap for more scaled down looks.

    6. Chanel flap back, black caviar, silver hardware. TBD on medium/large vs jumbo size. I’ve been saving up for ages but the goal posts keep moving with their insane price increases (jumbo is almost $7500–I might as well just get an Hermes if I’m going to spend that kind of money). I think I’m going to have to resort to buying a used bag because at this point I just can’t stomach the price.

      After I get my Chanel, next goal is Hermes Kelly sellier probably size 32. Some of their colors are gorgeous, but I’ll probably be boring/practical and go with black. Palladium hardware.

      1. Yeah, Chanel has been my ride-or-die aspirational bag since I was a kid, but I just cannot with the perpetual price increases. If I weren’t concerned about getting a fake (even from vetted sites), I might bite, but it is just shocking to me. Who are these people unafraid of retail purchases of these?

        But yes, that bag or a black Boy bag, black caviar, etc.

      2. If you get a used channel bag get a really beat up “cheap” one and send it to Artbag in NYC. They’ll make it like new for a few hundred dollars. They have a website you can check out. Had great experience with them.

  8. Vent: I’m an M&A mid-level associate. There are 3 mid-levels in my department: one just quit to go in-house and the other is out due to burnout (gee, I wonder why). Guess who inherited all their files? I have been billing 14 hour days and worked all weekend and the weekend before that, My focus is slipping and I am just so. exhausted. There is no way for me to take a vacation right now (two major closings on March 31st – I might be able to get an extended Easter weekend if both files close, which is uncertain). I am behind on everything and so overwhelmed. Any advice on powering through? I’ve been delegating as much as I can, but I find the younger associates need a lot of hand-holding so I’m not sure how much time I save that way. I am so tired. My SO picks up the slack at home and we’ve had a lot of take-out, but I’m daydreaming about going to the doctor and getting a burnout note myself, which is not a good sign.

    1. Book 15 minutes on your calendar. Go outside and stand in the sunshine (or cold or whatever) and breathe. Then take a walk around the block.

      Repeat as needed.

      Look, I’ve had jobs where I’ve worked 20 hour days and despite what I like to tell myself, I never lose overall productivity from a 5 minute walk or 12 a day. It resets my brain and reminds me of sun.

      I also used to keep a spreadsheet where I tracked my OT based on items I wanted to buy. It was a few years ago, but I remember being gleeful realizing I had earned the Frye boots I had long been lusting for. Plan for a forthcoming vacation?

      1. I like this idea, but honestly planning an upcoming vacation feels so hypothetical right now. My family lives abroad and so does SO’s (in a different country) so we usually fly to them, and planning a getaway in my area is fine but honestly not that exciting. I’ve been saving my time off for when borders reopen but not sure when that’s going to happen…

    2. I feel you, I’ve been working 14-15 hour days, 6 days a week and doing emails after hours and in the 7th day. I’ve been told to expect this pace through June. I’m exhausted.

      A few things I’ve been trying: a 10-15 min workout before work in the mornings, getting a pedicure on my day off, reading instead of tv/screens during my downtime , prioritizing sleep over all

    3. Hey–no one suggested this. It’s OK to go to a staffer or a partner and say, “I’m here. I’m dedicated. But I simply cannot do three people’s jobs. I need to hand off X deal. Here is the handover memo. We need to find someone in another office to assist.” Use your words. It’s OK to cry uncle. The weight of a biglaw firm should not be on your shoulders. You are not Atlas. Hugs.

      1. Hi, I am you (except one of the other associates jumped ship to another firm, so they’re gone gone). I am SO burned out and I am sorry. It sucks.

        On a couple of thing I knew I would not have bandwidth for, I asked for the partner to help me find someone with bandwidth (our office or others) and basically said the same as above. “I am not sleeping and still cannot get all of this done. I need another set of hands or two.” Please reach out to your partners and flag this for them. This is part of their job, whether they remember or not–they need to manage the associates.

    4. My advice is not to power through, actually. They will never hire anyone if you are doing all of the work. Your reputation will suffer because when you are stretched that thin it impacts the quality of your work. (Ask me how I know).

      I would go to whatever partner you are closest too and ask what the plan is for hiring/bringing in resources from other offices.

    5. I’ve been there. It sucks. Agree with comments about talking to a partner (preferably one you trust and is good at offering advice- even if you don’t work directly with him or her) about how to address the situation overall – I really think this will vary. At my firm, the answer would vary between practice groups.

      In the interim: I recommend taking short breaks, 10-20 minutes. I aim for three a day when I’m swamped like this – one in the late morning, one in the late afternoon, and one when you start getting tired at night. Even though it feels like you don’t have 20 minutes to spare, you do. Block it out on your calendar if you need to. Then do whatever makes you feel better or gives you some energy. For me, these include 20min power naps, online yoga videos, walking around the block, calling a family member (outside or somewhere that is not my office), playing with the dog, etc.

      Good luck getting through this stretch!

    6. Lawyer career coach here: This can really come back to bite you. You overlook a doc. You oversleep one morning. You get curt with a paralegal. Those things will be remembered long after the month where you billed 350 hours. I know because I see this all the time.
      It’s horrible, it’s unfair, you are a warrior and if you make a mistake, they should overlook it and give you a high 5. They unfortunately often do not. You doing all of this is making the partners’ lives easier. That’s your job, but it’s also their job to ensure that you don’t go the way of your colleagues and get burned out. There’s actually nothing that says a partner couldn’t do some or all of the work you’re doing. They may have to write it down but that’s not your problem.
      I also wonder what your end goal is. Is it to stay and make partner? You should speak up so your heroic efforts don’t hurt you in a situation like I described. If it’s to leave, I see no upside to this for you. You should speak up.
      I have a client who had a heart attack at the age of 38 after virtually no health issues before that. He had billed 260 the month before. All it got him was a giant scar and gossip at the firm about how he couldn’t cut it. Take care of yourself and your career.

  9. I have a fabulous associate moving cross country (and leaving my firm). She’ll be in San Diego starting in a month or so. I would like to get her a thank you/good luck gift, somewhere in the $100-$200 range. San Diego folks, do you have good suggestions for a gift certificate I could get her? She grew up there, so I’d probably skip touristy things like a zoo membership. She does not have kids; not sure what neighborhood she is moving to. Thanks!

    1. I’m not in San Diego, but if she likes going out in nature, a California state parks pass (which covers state beaches and nature areas) would be a great choice. It’s also much easier to use and certain in a pandemic than something like a restaurant gift certificate.

      1. +1 the state parks pass is a great idea – they are $200 and available on the web. I live in San Diego and this was what I asked for for Christmas.

        I love being able to just drive up to Torrey Pines and do a little 30-45 minute hike without debating whether I want to pay a $20 day pass fee or fighting for street parking outside the park.

    2. You are such a great boss/mentor! I am not from there, but I have visited there enough times to know that Extraordinary Desserts lives up to its name and has multiple locations in the San Diego area.

    3. I live in San Diego and you can buy an annual pass to all the museums in Balboa Park (including National History, Science, Art, etc.). Price for an individual would likely be in that range because it’s somewhere around $250 for a family.

    4. Any chance this associate is a litigation attorney and looking for a law firm job?

  10. To first-years: please don’t go through a document making improvements to the wording. If I wanted you to wordsmith, I would have asked. But I never will because you just showed me you don’t get the subjunctive mood. Maybe that is no longer taught? If so, I’m not making it my task to teach you. Just take the directions you are given.

    1. Honestly this is trash. How about teaching them instead of whining? Heaven forbid they take initiative and try to do a good job. If I were you I’d be grateful (#subjunctivemood).

      2. Yeah, and I’m a 20+ year lawyer and I’d rethink writing briefs in subjunctive mood and step back and see if those first years are onto something.

        1. If I weren’t frightfully underwater already . . .

          I mean, I get that everything is Plain Language these days, but I can’t believe that a native English speaker would just assume that something written by a higher-up is wrong and change it. OTOH, I work with a bunch of people who are often wrong but never in doubt.

          1. I’m not the Anon you’re replying to, but plenty of my “higher-ups” have atrocious writing so…

      4. No kidding. I dream of associates who care enough and have the confidence to make suggestions like this.

    2. What were they supposed to do with the document? (Though I agree re: people should understand subjunctive.)

      1. Cite-check. And just cite-check. Why is there redlining that is not in the footnotes?!

        1. probably they are taking someone’s advice that they should read the document for context so they can learn… but executing the advice poorly.

          1. I will sometimes ask for a read just to look for missing words and other weirdness. It is often taken for an invitation to redraft with all the style you want to add, so I found that if I ask word processing to do it, they will actually do what I ask. So maybe that?

    3. Similarly, when I say “let’s execute the plan as agreed and let me know if scope changes by more than 1 day’s work,” that does not mean “power through and keep taking on all the new asks.” It means STOP and escalate so we can prioritize.

      Thank you. What a grumpy week. I hate daylight savings time.

      1. Honestly if someone said that quote to me I would have no idea what it meant. Maybe that’s common corporate law speak but this prosecutor would be absolutely befuddled.

          1. Also: This is a high potential employee who is a joy to work with, and the way they are acting is perfectly normal for where they are in their career. I just am struggling with patience this week. I do not take kindly to daylight savings time.

          2. Your employee is going to find that the reward for doing extra work is even more extra work.

          3. Walnut… I know. Hoping we can pivot to working smarter instead. Thinking of you and sending good wishes for health.

    4. I’m known to be good with words so I often get given stuff to proofread. I have learnt to ask “do you just want me to look for errors, or do you want this to be wordsmithed?”

    5. This is really harsh and self-righteous. Maybe you have never ever made a mistake? But I bet you have, especially when you were a first year. And hopefully the senior attorney was nicer to you about it. Be nice to everyone you work with. And, it’s your job as a supervising attorney to help develop the first-years, and everyone else who works for you, so your firm can generally succeed and develop young talent. Part of that includes telling them, “hey, I just asked you to cite check, not to spend billable time wordsmithing, so I am going to have to cut that time, and if you’re not sure, you should clarify next time.”

      1. I totally hear everyone who is down on OP, but being frustrated and venting during a hard week does not mean she doesn’t know this or is a bad manager. It means she’s frustrated that she needs to do unexpected additional work and teaching in a hard week. Let’s give some grace.

      2. I get that, but don’t first-year attorneys make like 200K? At the firms where a lot of people here work? It’s not a sheltered workplace learning experience. It’s a real job.

        I guess it is bro-tastical that we take mistakes from fancy people in fancy jobs but when the drive-through gets our order slightly wrong, we get all upset about it.

        1. I guess I should revise my comment above from “Be nice to everyone you work with” to simply, “Be nice to everyone.” Not sure where this leap to being mean to minimum wage workers came from, or what the amount of money you make (on either end of the incredibly wide spectrum) has to do with how you’re treated.

        2. Just because first year lawyers at big law firms are well overpaid doesn’t mean we can expect them to be worth that when we put them to work. Biglaw does not hire based an ability to complete a work task. Lots of the well-educated children they hire have never had a real job before and since that is a feature, not a bug, in Biglaw, they should recognize it and train.

          1. Super condescending and ageist to refer to first year associates, who can be any age but 25 at youngest, as chidren.

          2. Some of them qualify. Some of them don’t. I don’t find that Biglaw works very hard to weed out the ones who do. I think their hiring practices are atrocious and ineffective for the most part.

    6. I get the frustration, but honestly, most of the senior people at my company are horrendous writers. If I didn’t edit their work, we’d literally submit documents with run-on sentences, sentence fragments, and worse. They don’t see the errors, they don’t ask anyone to fix them, and it embarrasses me to put my name on joint reports if I haven’t gotten a chance to edit them first. Are you sure that’s not what’s happening here?

      2. Same. I think my boss is genuinely unaware of the existence of question marks. Every sentence she has ever written ends with a period.

    8. To OP: Please read some books on leadership and management. Woof. Loose the condescension, learn how to provide feedback without being mean spirited. I’m embarrassed for you.

    9. This is terrible advice. If you asked someone to “check the document” which you probably did, that means something entirely different from “please only do a cite-check, don’t revise the document itself”. You’re being the bad manager by not being clear. Also, they SHOULD be reading through the document and doing a spelling and grammar check as well. Just make it clear: “I need you to do a cite-check and a spelling and grammar check only, please don’t comment on substance or style”.

      Do better so that they can be better, this is a very simple training correction that costs you very little time. And they won’t do it again.

    10. I hired an entry level guy once before I hired his manager. I didn’t have a lot of direct tasks for new hire so I gave him some stuff to read.

      New manager started, asked entry level to complete a work task, and entry level said he had to much to do already. New manager came to me, asked what I had assigned entry level. Nothing. I had assigned him zero.

      Turns out entry level thought reporting to new manager was a demotion for him (even though he knew he was hired into that slot) and tried to refuse to work for new manager as some sort of “power move.” We managed him out pretty quickly.

    11. Some midwestern dialects of English don’t fully employ the subjunctive mood. It can be surprising because the accents and English usage are otherwise so close to Standard English.

  11. I’m beginning to think I may have an actual sleep issue. When my schedule is messy, I just go to bed when I’m tired. Since I’m WFH my wake up time tends to creep later and later. Eventually I’ll start sleeping in until about 11:30-12PM (I know…) and going to bed around 3AM. It’s not productive, I don’t like it, and it’s why I’ve been making it a point to be in bed around 10:30PM and at least trying to fall asleep by 11PM.

    The problem: every time I get my messy sleep schedule back to a normal routine, where I can easily fall asleep and wake up on time without fatigue, about a week in I will have one night where I just absolutely can not sleep. I’m running on two hours today. It was like I’d get very close to the edge of sleep and just stay there, never fully losing consciousness. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s a chemical thing? I’ve drastically reduced my caffeine intake to zero most days, and I admit I had a couple of cups of black tea to help me work late that night but I used to drink tea all day and never had a problem falling asleep then, and even when I did, I’d eventually konk out around 2AM, not 6AM like I did today.

    I’m frustrated because I’ve never seen a sleep schedule so adamant at destroying itself. I feel more rested on an 11PM-7:30/8AM sleep schedule, I like it, and when I get it established it doesn’t feel like I’m working against my circadian rhythm. I just don’t understand why it drops off out of the blue like that? I was tired, I wanted to sleep, and my bed wasn’t full of spiders. There’s no reason for this, and it happens literally every time I start getting into a consistent sleep routine. Maybe I’ll just have to cut out even the occasional cup of black tea too if this is going to be a thing now.

    1. Uff. It doesn’t sound like it, but just in case — could it be hormonal? 2 days before my period I have severe insomnia.

    2. Melatonin. You need melatonin – take it about 30 minutes before you want to go to sleep and it will trigger your sleep hormones. You will fall asleep. If you need help staying asleep, they make it in extended release.

    3. Night owls be night owls. I’ve been energized by darkness and fatigued by sunlight since infancy (there are stories).

      I don’t actually need insane amounts of sleep, I just need it to occur at the time my body wants. 2:00 AM to 10:00 AM is ideal for me. It’s flopping around in bed for hours on end when I’m not tired that makes it seem so awful.

      My point is, if you know what your body wants, why are you eager to punish it with these labels–why is one clock reading more “productive” than another? Eight hours of sleep isn’t “correct” when it happens between 10:00 PM and 6:00 AM.

      1. This is sooo me. I feel better just reading your self acceptance of it vs trying to change and constantly failing

    4. When I have one of those “cannot sleep” nights, I take 2 melatonin gummies if I am still awake at 2 AM. Those take about 30 minutes to kick in and then I sleep for 4 to 5.5 hours, which is all I have ever gotten from melatonin. This gives me enough sleep to function well and keeps me on schedule. I do not use melatonin or other sleep aids generally.

    5. There is a podcast by a researcher out of stanford called huberman labs who just did a month of podcasts focused on sleep that I found SUPER helpful. One of the key things I’ve been working on as a take away is making sure I get sunlight in the early part of the day to get my rhythms back on track. There is a lot of interesting stuff in there though if you are a science nerd at heart and interested in why bodies do the things they do.

    6. This is me as well. I was diagnosed with delayed sleep phase disorder, you should look into it. I’m a night owl and I hate it, like you I feel most rested when I am able to go to bed early and wake up early. The treatment for me has been mindfulness meditation, strict sleep hygiene, and sleep restriction therapy.

      1. I’ve not heard of sleep restriction therapy, I’ll look into that. Thanks!

        To others suggesting melatonin gummies, I’ve tried them to no avail. If I’m having trouble getting tired they help, but on nights like these, I feel plenty tired I just can’t ever get to actual sleep. They are useful but for a different kind of problem it seems.

        I like the sleep schedule because I have more energy when I have this consistent sleep schedule. I feel extra sluggish when I sleep like I naturally tend towards. Not sure why, I do just genuinely like mornings, the little boost I get from being awake at 7:30AM is nice, and makes me feel like I have plenty of hours in the day to get everything done. When I’m not having trouble getting to sleep on time, I wake up pretty easily in the earlier hours. On my natural schedule I just kind of … slump out of bed. If I felt better on a later schedule, I would absolutely roll with it.

    7. I wish I had the answer for you because one of my children has the same problem. She’s 10 and ever since she was a baby she has had trouble with sleep. We’ve done sleep studies and tried supplements. It’s generally attributed to anxiety, which she does not struggle with during waking hours.

    8. Are you working after dinner on your computer? I find that too much light, esp blue light, really screws me up like this. I need about 3 hours or more off of the computer and away from any bright lights (I’m looking at you bedside reading lights and some hotels) before desired bedtime. Like it’s worse for me than having caffeine late in the day. See if you can put yourself on a no phone/computer after 7 or 8 p.m. rule for a bit and whether that does the trick.

    9. It’s the caffeine. Two cups of tea any time after noon would do me in. Just because you used to be accustomed to it doesn’t mean you are now. I have to cut off all caffeine after lunch if I want any kind of sleep.

      1. This! I used to be able to drink coffee at 10PM and then write a term paper and then fall asleep at 1AM. I was 19 and in college. Now I can’t drink caffeine after 1PM (mayyyybe 2) without having trouble sleeping. I’ve also been drinking less caffeine overall since COVID (no commute=sleeping a little later in the morning) and now if I have tons of coffee one day, it messes with my sleep. And yes, black tea has just as much caffeine as coffee.

      2. Me too. But I can’t have it at all. Caffeine vs no caffeine is the difference between not sleeping and sleeping for me. One cup of real coffee – just one all day – first thing in the morning will leave me cleaning the house at 2:00 a.m. Also, it seems to be the case that I am a calmer, perhaps one might even say nicer, human being with no caffeine at all.

    10. I have found that if I have to pull an all-nighter, black tea helps, coffee does not.

    11. Super late, but the same thing (getting very close to the edge of sleep but being unable to lose consciousness) happened to me a while back except more extreme and I was diagnosed with anxiety. Melatonin and benadryl did nothing for me, my doctor gave me a prescription strength benadryl that also did nothing. These things make me drowsy when I am not drowsy, but being drowsy wasn’t the problem, being able to “surrender” into sleep was. Caffeine was also not a factor for me – I drink only decaf tea and cutting it out did not help (also black tea does not have as much caffeine as coffee, that’s just factually false). I now have a routine consisting of perfect sleep hygiene (I bought a chair for my bedroom so I’m NEVER in my bed for anything except sleep) and mindfulness meditation, including use the Calm app lullabies and meditations at night. I’ve had sleep issues and weird sleep hours my whole life so I suspect there is more to my sleep issues than anxiety, but at least for the “being unable to get to the edge of sleep but unable to lose consciousness” thing it does seem like anxiety is a big factor. Good luck! Not being able to sleep is frustrating and terrifying.

  12. I’ve been doing a lot of introspection and realized I have a very low self-esteem. I feel like I only know how to view life through the eyes of others, and I don’t know how to turn it off. Like every decision is based on (subconsciously) what I think others will think, not my own wants and needs. I have no idea what my actual wants and needs are, what makes me truly happy. I really need to learn to love and accept myself. Has anyone gone through this? Where do I even begin to address these issues?

      1. +1. In the course of therapy about 12 years ago, I realized I had built my entire sense of self-worth on what others thought of me. I think this is not uncommon among high-achieving women. We used a lot of CBT techniques to help me re-route my thought patterns about myself.

    2. YES! I have gone through/am going through this very thing. Sometimes I get really upset that I’m almost 40 and am JUST NOW figuring out my wants and needs.

      I actually didn’t realize I had this issue until I started therapy to help me process significant childhood trauma (emotionally abusive household and some other issues). Once my immediate crisis was over, my therapist and I started working on self esteem and figuring out what I want out of life and my relationships. She told me that trauma can lead to low self esteem, even in people who felt like they’ve “dealt with” the trauma (I say this just in case it applies to you, though it may not!)

      One thing that’s helped the most is that she’ll send me questions sometimes for me to journal about. You can find lots of journaling prompts online. At first I found it hard to write without self judgment, so I would “warm up” with 10 minutes of freewriting, which is literally just writing down whatever comes to mind, not fixing typos, just keep going, even if I’m writing “I don’t know what to say I don’t know what to say.” The journaling has helped me immensely. I also told a couple of very close and understanding friends about this mission and feel braver speaking up about when I don’t want to hang out or when I don’t want to go to a certain restaurant or whatever, which helps develop the sense of what my gut is telling me and my ability to act on that.

      1. OP – you are reading my mind. I started (trying to) journaling about this last night. While I am not self-conscious about what other people think to the extent that I am conscious of making personal decisions as a result, I am not sure I truly know who I am or what I want in life. I am not unhappy with my life, but I think I could be more fulfilled and true to myself. I find myself swimming a bit/feeling rudderless in certain aspects of my life even though by sterotypical standards I am successful (good job, financially independent, own a home, etc.).

        I’m reading several books on a variety of topics, but I also have looked up a bunch of journaling prompts to try to get me started. Admittedly, I am not a natural journaler and I tend to answer questions in these areas at a surface level. I grew up in a home where we did not talk about feelings or share in that way, so learning to speak that language has been a long journey. I’ve had years of therapy and feel confident that I am generally in a good place – my depression and anxiety are at all time lows, and as mentioned, I am generally content. I am not someone who needs to be HAPPY ALL THE TIME, it’s more that I want to figure out what would make me happy in spurts or activities that excite me vs. just doing because it’s fine and keeps me in shape or whatever.

    3. Meditation will help with this. You’ve got to sit with yourself without all the external stuff to get to know yourself. You can get super carried away by a ton of external advice/techniques/apps/traditions on meditation, but at the end of the day, all you need to start is a quiet moment and a timer with 3 minutes on the clock. About 15 second in you’ll think this is dumb and that you’re doing it wrong. 30 seconds in you’ll start thinking about something else. You’re not doing it wrong, the practice is to catch yourself thinking those thoughts – your inner critic talking – and coming back to your breath. “I suck at this” – recognize the thought – come back to the breath.”I’m doing this wrong” – recognize the thought – come back to the breath. Just keep coming back to focusing on your inhale and exhale. Just start with that, consistently, and you’ll get to recognize when that inner critic voice pops up and be practicing how to release it. It’s not a big dramatic change right away, you’re slowly rewiring your brain.

      Easy-read book suggestion that speaks to this: Untamed by Glennon Doyle. It’s not really a self-help book, more a memoir.

    4. Might help to get off of any aspiration-focused social media. When you’re not bombarded with a stream of what you “should” want or be doing, maybe your own desires and ideas will come to the surface.

      1. I was thinking something similar. This may just be one of several tools in your toolbox to address this, OP, but it’s been an important factor for me. Once I stopped reading women’s magazines, my self esteem went way up. Anything you consume that tells you what you should want or how you should be, or spend a lot of time discussing what’s (un-)trendy or judging other people including celebrities, could potentially be noise that distracts you from what you really think.

  13. Does anyone use iTimekeep to track their time? I recently lateraled to a new firm and would love your best tips on how to use it well. It seems to have a lot less functionality than Intapp.

    1. i have it. it’s kind of annoying but functions as needed. i have never used another app so i can’t really compare. I actually like itimekeep for desktop much more than the app.

  14. I try not to bring processed foods into the house, but there are a few for which I’ve found no substitute: Wheat Thins and Oreos. Can anyone recommend a better version of either of these? I don’t need it to be healthy, but maybe more whole food-based?

    2. Honestly, if wheat thins and Oreos are your two vices, you’re doing pretty good. Life is short, enjoy your wheat thins!

      2. +1 Plus, if it were me, the “better” version wouldn’t satisfy the craving, so I’d rather just go for the real deal every once in a while. And now I’m reeeally craving wheat thins.

        1. Intuitive Eating (the actual book) discusses this pattern: that if you try to satisfy a craving with something “healthier,” it won’t get rid of the craving and you may end up eating much more than if you ate what you wanted in the first place. Just have your Oreos, wheat thins and whatever else.

          1. That is so me. I want some chips. Wait I’m not hungry, maybe I’m just thirsty and want something crunchy. I drink water, eat a carrot, and still want chips. Maybe it’s a salt craving. I try a few salted almonds. Nope. I still want the chips. So finally I eat the chips and because now I feel ashamed about it I eat more than I otherwise would have.

    3. The only problem I have with Wheat Thins is that they aren’t organic and aren’t made with expeller-pressed oil. They seem very healthy otherwise. I buy organic Triscuits instead because they are the only decent organic crackers I can find.

      I bake cookies instead of buying them, but the entire point of Oreos is that ultra-processed taste and texture. I don’t think there’s a substitute that is any less processed.

    4. I feel this, we try to not have processed foods in the house too. Honestly though, unless you want to make homemade, I don’t think there is a good substitute for Oreos directly – we just very rarely buy them. For snacking, I like energy bites like the link below and the chocolate chips would give me my sugar hit, but I most certainly am not saying they’re a substitute.

      https://www.gimmesomeoven.com/no-bake-energy-bites/

    5. Oreos are vegan, that’s healthy enough right ;) . The only decent swap I’ve seen are homemade sugar free (i.e. sweetness added with dates) whoopie pies which…aren’t the same. I know it’s not what you asked but, I think it’s okay to only have two processed foods in the house that you eat in moderation. You’ll be ok.

    6. I just buy the smaller packages of Oreos they sell in drugstores (it’s one tube rather than 3) so I don’t overdo it. There is no substitute.

    8. Paul Newman’s brand Newman-O’s are a pretty good substitute and are made with organic ingredients and without trans fats and high fructose corn syrup.

      1. I think Newman O’s are even better than Oreos. I don’t think they’re truly healthier but at least it’s a better company.

    9. I have celiac, so I can eat neither Wheat Thins nor Oreos.

      For crackers, the Nut Thins really are good substitutes. There are a couple flavors, I like the lower salt “Hint of sea-salt” version, and no weird oils or ingredients.

      There isn’t a good replacement for oreos. I use chocolaty bars like Rx bars or Lara Bars or Kind Bars (mini sizes are good) for quick, semi-sweet replacements that have whole nuts, whole grains etc.

      If you can do a recipe, Minimalist Baker has a no-bake Healthy Brownie Granola Bars, which have 7 ingredients, mix and eat. Very easy. I make them, wrap and freeze and take out when I need a treat.

        2. Hmm, that’s interesting. I buy all of my food from Amazon, including my groceries from Amazon fresh. What makes it “super sketch”?

      2. Back to Nature processed foods are still processed foods. Any cookies from the store are processed.

    12. So I haven’t tried the Whole Foods versions of either of those, but I have had their versions of Triscuits and Stoned Wheat Thins and . . . they’re okay. Just okay. They work decently as vessels for cheese, and their “stoned wheat thins” are acceptable when I’m having stomach issues. But let’s be honest, nothing comes close to the real thing! Just enjoy your cookies and crackers, the “whole” versions aren’t *that* much better health-wise.

    13. Simple Mills Almond Crackers are really good. To scratch the chocolate itch I like Justin’s mini peanut butter cups.

  15. I’m so sick of the pandemic. I just want to eat my feelings. So… what are your favorite UNhealthy snacks? I’m done with apples and string cheese. Over snacking on carrots and red peppers. Life is too short. I want Cheez-Its and Haribo gummy bears and dark chocolate Oreos and Half Baked Ben and Jerry’s…

    Recommendations? What do you eat when you just want to indulge?

    3. I like to go to a bakery for this, and buy a decadent pastry or dessert. Why? It’s portion-controlled. It feels special, and if, on the off chance there’s any leftover, it really won’t be good the second day.

      OTOH, Cadbury mini eggs are my kryptonite and are now in stores for Easter. Your welcome.

      1. The Cadbury eggs, my god. So good. I’m on my second bag of the season! This thread is making me want a snack.

      1. specifically, any chips that are bbq flavored. Trader Joe’s has the best ones.

      3. Miss Vickie’s jalapeño chips are addictive, but I also like any BBQ flavor

        Also chili cheese Fritos

          1. What is IN those Fritos?!?!?! They are so good!
            For some reason I can only ever find them in gas stations and I love having them on road trips.

    6. Savory: cheez-its and Grippos barbecue chips.
      Sweet: nutella + spoon. Repeat as needed.

    7. having a terrible week and had to stop at the grocery store last night, so it seems currently the answer is fancy ripple cut chips and chocolate covered cashews.

    8. I would choose chocolate chip cookies over any other dessert any day, so that’s generally my biggest weakness. I also LOVE anything in the pastry category: muffins, croissants, danish, scones, etc. I usually have a pastry for breakfast because I’m at the point where I don’t care anymore.

        1. YES! You are my person! McDonalds Fountain Coke is the best of the best! DH (who doesn’t drink Coke) totally doesn’t really believe me that it’s different, but just is.

      1. Ruffles and onion dip. My kryptonite. I once gave myself chronic reflux and a cough by regularly eating too many ruffles and onion dip in a reclined position in my bed because I am an animal.

    11. Turtle brownies topped with Cool Whip. I just make them from a box because it’s easy and they taste good, and no homemade whip cream because Cool While is easy and it tastes good.

      Phish Food Ben and Jerry’s is the best flavor.

      Tombstone Pepperoni Pizza

      From a local outlet shop, they sell frozen cookie dough already shaped into cookies and we just eat the cookie dough frozen.

    13. I’ve found this brand of dark chocolate with almonds and sea salt and the bar is super chunky and delicious.

    14. Savory: freezer aisle garlic bread, Cheez-Its, bbq chips, microwave popcorn (no “just sea salt” nonsense when eating feelings, either: Movie Theater Butter or bust)
      Sweet: coffee flavored ice cream, those little cheesecake cups they sell by the cream cheese, cookie dough

      1. I used to get popcorn at the movie theater all the time but for some reason at home I only allowed myself to buy the pain or lightly salted stuff. I finally bought some microwave popcorn with movie theater butter and it is bringing me a lot of enjoyment these days.

    16. Cheetos;
      Cheddar and sour cream Ruffles potato chips with ranch dip;
      Friendly’s Forbidden Chocolate Ice Cream

      1. +1 to real coke, and now you have me thinking about a bagel with cream cheese (and lox and tomato)

    19. Little Debbie zebra cakes
      Chocolate chip cookies – I like to bake them fresh from dough I keep in the freezer. Sometimes I’ll make a chipwich with vanilla ice cream
      Pizza rolls
      Potato skins
      McDonald’s fries
      Mozzarella sticks

    20. Dove dark chocolate squares. I laugh at the idea that I would stop at one.

      I sometimes alternate bites of chocolate with a salted almond. Yum.

      But I prefer to let the dove squares just slowly melt in my mouth.

    21. If you want to be somewhat fancier, triscuits on a baking sheet, top with tillamook cheddar cheese, maybe a sliced olive or a strip or red pepper. Broil. Eat them all. Maybe with a Coca Cola.

    22. Cereal: Cinnamon toast crunch, honey bunches of oats. Extra-toasted cheez-its. Homemade chocolate chip cookie dough mixed into a good vanilla bean ice cream. Pretzels dipped in nutella. Triple cream brie, manchego, and goat cheese with crackers. Totino’s pepperoni pizza rolls. I’m currently on a mini-cut and am an abstainer (versus a moderator) so all of these things have been off the table for a minute, can you tell?

    23. Pipcorn Cheese Crunchies, especially the cheddar ones, are amazing. Order some now!

    24. Dark chocolate for sweets.

      Sour gummy bears for sour.

      Chips and Salsa for savory. Even better if there’s some nacho cheese sauce that is probably not even remotely actually cheese to go with it. Maybe it saw a piece of cheese once?

    25. I love this thread. And I’m right there with you being sick of healthy snacks.

      I personally love Cheetos. Preferably the puffy (not crunchy) kind – but either works.

  16. I am miserable and don’t know what to do. My family got a pandemic puppy without thinking things through. He’s a pretty good dog but we are still trying to fully train him at 6 months. I have come to realize that I do not like living with a dog. I don’t like the expense of taking care of a dog nor do I enjoy his presence in my house. Unfortunately, my husband and teenage kids like him. I’m not sure how to live with a dog. Further, it looks like my husband and I will have to go back to the office full time soon. I don’t know who will take care of this dog and I don’t want to get a dog walker or send him to doggy day care. I really wish we had never gotten him. What would you do, would you try to convince your family to rehome him (my preference) or just try to deal with it for the next 15 years (in deference to the family)?

    1. You made a commitment to an animal and it is your responsibility to take care of him. He is a member of your family now. You made this choice, so you need to accept expense and time and effort that come with it. You clearly haven’t been putting enough effort into training him, so hire a trainer if you are still struggling.

      Why don’t you want to get a dog walker or use doggy day care? That’s what working people do. Also, your kids are old enough to take some responsibility for taking care of the dog, so get them to pitch in more.

      1. I agree with this. Dogs are not something to be discarded when you realize they are work. And you already knew you’d be going back to work so shame on you.

        Put the work into training the dog now (not half assed training, AKC level training) and hire the dog walker. This is on you. None of it is the dog’s fault.

    2. I say this as a hard core dog lover. Much like with children, there are really hard times with having a dog and the first year to two years depending on the breed of dog can range from hard to awful. I also have a pandemic puppy, love him and planned a long time for him, and still had a mini breakdown when I found out I couldn’t send him to daycare for two more weeks because I live alone and omg I just want to mop the floor in peace.

      All of that said, if you are truly going to be miserable for this dogs entire life, its going to impact the dog, and the best answer is to find it a new home. Because what you don’t want to do, dog walkers, doggy day care, money spent on trainers, is how you take a puppy and turn it into an awesome dog later on. Dogs need attention and training, or unless you have the one in a million dog, you are going to have problems with them forever. Better to realize that when they are a puppy and can be corrected by a new dedicated owner, then when they are 7 and now they are just left in the yard all the time, because now the kids are busy (or gone away to school) and are going to be much harder to rehome. Or just living out a sad miserable existence.

    3. At 6 months he is still very much a puppy and will likely need a dog walker and/or doggie daycare. That’s just part of having a puppy. You didn’t mention specific issues you have with him other than “I do not like living with a dog.” Have you ever had a dog before, or are you still adjusting to what a home with a dog is like? What do you not like about living with a dog? He sounds like a fairly well-mannered pup for his age, and he will likely settle down more around the 1-2 year mark, depending on his breed and overall personality. The puppy stage is absolutely challenging though, and maybe you just need to get additional help. Are you the primary caregiver for the dog? Could the teenagers assume the responsibility of feeding and afternoon/evening potty breaks? Does the dog need obedience training, and could the teenagers be involved in that? But I would really urge you to reconsider rehoming, particularly when shelters are anticipating an influx of abandoned pets who were adopted during COVID.

    4. Oh my goodness I’d get over myself. Rehoming a dog your family loves who isn’t a problem just because you’ve decided you don’t like him is monstrous. Get a dog walker. Send him to day care. Be a better person.

      1. Absolutely this. If I were the spouse or child I would be furious for a very long time.

    5. Before you rehome him, you might try a full-on training course with him. You and the trainer can help him be a good citizen, which is always a good plan, but the real benefit will be that you will have a great chance to bond with him. Right now it sounds like the disadvantages are outweighing the advantages of pet ownership. Give it one earnest shot and maybe you can turn things around. If not, certainly look into rehoming with your local breed rescue, and you might help that process along if you offer to keep fostering him until they find him a new forever home. Good luck.

      1. If my husband tried to rehome my dog because he just didn’t like him, I’d file for divorce. Her family loves the dog!

      2. If she’s against even getting a dog walker, do you really think she’ll give a rat’s aXX enough to do something like this? So many dogs are put down in shelters. The best chance for it to get a new home is before he gets too old. After the puppy phase it’s much harder for them to find homes. It’s also notable none of the OP’s comment is behavior based. The dog’s very existence is the problem.

    6. Ugh, this is tough. I’m struggling to put myself in your shoes because I love dogs and could not ever imagine rehoming. However, I completely understand not liking living with a dog.

      One thing: living with a dog is different than living with a puppy. It’s totally normal to be still training the puppy at 6 months. In my experience (past dogs: 2 golden retrievers, current dog: 1 golden retriever/cocker mix) the puppy phase doesn’t go away until they’re around 2. A woman in a grocery store parking lot told me that with my first golden (they’re puppies until they’re 2!) and that turned out to be very true. Granted, I do think this varies a lot breed to breed.

      But once they’re out of that phase and trained well, dogs are loads easier. But they still take time and attention regardless and clearly you don’t want anything to do with it. Who takes care of the dog right now? Can this be your husband and teenage kids responsibility?

      2. Anytime anyone asks about my Lab, I say, “Still just a big ol’ puppy!” He’s 1.5. I will probably be saying this until he is 8.

        However, 1.5 is LIGHT-YEARS ahead of 6 months, or even 1. He started voluntarily sleeping a month or two ago (after having given that up at the advanced age of 12 weeks). In your shoes, OP, I would insist that the burden of the dog’s care (mental load as well as actual tasks) be firmly on your husband and kids, and re-evaluate in 6 months. It sounds like you have some resentment of the dog, and if your family can’t agree on rehoming him, this is the only way I can think of to get you some space.

      3. +1. My pandemic puppy is almost a year old, and there is already an improvement over 6 v. 8 v. 10 months. She’s definitely still in the puppy phase, but is much better than earlier months. I got her training when she was around 8 months, which really helped too.

        I also send her to daycare 1-2 times a week. This not only is a break for me, but also let’s her get out all of that puppy energy, and let’s her socialize with other dogs. She comes home exhausted.

    7. Sorry, but your family loves the dog and you need to do the right thing and let them keep him. A 6-month-old puppy is at peak rambunctiousness and destructiveness. Keep up with the training and he’ll mellow out by age 2.

      If you have teenagers who take the school bus or drive themselves, you shouldn’t need a dog walker. A dog over 8 – 9 months can stay crated for 8 hours while everyone is at work and school. Last person to leave the house walks the dog and puts him in the crate. First person home lets him out of the crate and walks him. He will learn to synchronize his sleep and active times with the family schedule.

      Create dog-free zones in the house where you can escape when you need a break. I love my dog, but I don’t want her fur and dirt all over the entire house and I don’t want to sleep in the same room with her. In our house, upstairs is the dog-free zone. At my aunt’s house, it’s the formal living and dining room.

    8. If your DH and kids like the dog so much, they need to step up and help with training him and generally taking care of him. I do think a dog walker or doggy daycare would probably help, though I know they aren’t cheap. That doesn’t solve the issue of not enjoying having a dog around, though. I have no advice on that front because I am NOT a dog person at all. I will say that I don’t think re-homing is the end of the world, so long as it’s done with the dog’s interests in mind and it doesn’t become a habit. (Like, you’ve learned your lesson and will not get a dog again.)

        1. Yeah I don’t think DH and kids aren’t being helpful. The problem is that OP has a cold dead heart.

          1. omg stop with the drama. If someone doesn’t love their puppy it doesn’t make them a terrible person.

            Animal people are seriously oppressive. Get over yourselves.

    9. I don’t understand why you don’t want to get a dog walker or send him to doggy daycare. If you are both out of the house all day those are literally the only two options, unless you want to come home to a very unhappy dog and a potentially wrecked house. Is it that you don’t want to spend money on the dog?

      1. Our household is extremely frugal. We have a HHI of 7 figures, but we don’t hire cleaners because of how we grew up and wanting the kids to do chores. We walk the dog once in the morning, last kid goes to school at 9 a.m. and the older kids get home from school at 3 p.m. and take the dog out then. The dog can sleep in the crate for 6 hours and it’s not a big deal.

        1. Some dogs (I’d argue most) are totally fine chilling in the house or a crate. I wouldn’t recommend that for a 6 month old puppy, but it’s not like most professionals who have adult dogs who won’t destroy themselves or the house if left alone are actually sending their dogs to doggy day care literally every day.

    10. Yeah, your kids and husband will resent you heavily if you get rid of the dog simply because you don’t really like him. My suggestions – put up the money to have him really trained. I thought I trained my dogs well until I took them to a real trainer and it was like night and day. And you can’t train a dog once, you have to consistently reinforce.

      But also – just make it really clear to your husband and kids that this is not your dog and you won’t do any care for it. Literally just – don’t bother with him. Don’t keep track of its health care, don’t feed him, don’t walk him, don’t play with him. My mother was the exact same way – never liked animals but we love them so she tolerated their existence. She never walked them, fed them, petted them, nothing. At most she’d let it out in the backyard to potty if we got home late, and would put out food and water if we went out of town which was rare. And the dogs took note and never bothered her – they generally give the same energy you put out. Plus it will calm down greatly after a year old.

      1. +1 to the second paragraph here. OP, I think people are being unjustly hard on you here. I am admittedly not an animal person, but I think rehoming a pet that the rest of the family enjoys having won’t go over well. I think you take this approach and have those who enjoy the dog take care of the dog.

    11. I usually push back hard against the anti-rehoming dog supremacists here, but in this case I don’t agree with rehoming. The dog is not dangerous and does not sound as if he has behavioral problems, and your family loves him and is apparently caring for him. Unfortunately, the best solution to your problem is to invest time and money in doggie day care, training, etc.

      I have a teenaged daughter and am certain it would irreparably damage our relationship if I decided I just didn’t like her dog and gave the dog away. She begged for a dog for years. We waited until we were sure we had the capacity to deal with a dog, and we adopted an adult dog because we didn’t think we could handle a puppy.

    12. 6-8 months is the worst time for a puppy, maybe to 10 months, so give it a few months. I agree that paying for a trainer, and dog walker and day care are important. I’m not sure I understand your reluctance to engage these services but you may want to level with the spouse and kids that love the dog that they need to step up. I know that I do most of the dog care at my house (and thus I have put my foot down about replacing our recently deceased angel dog with a puppy and/or two dogs. We got a 2year old that needed a home and was already trained). If the kids aren’t old enough to walk the dog they can still do things like food/water, pick up p@@p, brush the dog and perhaps even vacuum. As they get older they can take on more tasks.

      3. ….with all thes stuff getting caught in mod lately, mod didn’t catch this recommendation for literal animal abuse?

        1. I hope it was poorly executed sarcasm because in addition to being morally bankrupt it recommends commuting a crime. Do that in the jurisdiction where I live and you will be made to regret it.

    14. unclear from the post how much of all of this is falling on you vs. your family. growing up my dad and his siblings begged for a dog, they got it, all the kids had said they were going to feed it and walk it, after about a month they stopped and my grandmother gave it away. so i am not a dog person, though my family got one when i was 12 bc my younger sibling wanted one and i cried like every day for a month. i was kind of scared of it and annoyed that it was another time that we did what my sister wanted. the rule was supposed to be that i would never ever have to do anything to care for the dog…though there was probably a time i walked him more than my sister did, though she would never admit it. DH LOVES dogs and I can tell one of my kids is also going to be a dog lover. fortunately, right now DH realizes it’s not practical for us, but if we ever did get one, i would be very clear that i did not want the responsibility of walking the dog, finding the dog walker, figuring out what to do with the dog while on vacation, etc.

    15. As a hard-core dog person, I think you should rehome him while he’s still a cute puppy. Dogs know when they’re not wanted. He’s not old enough too leave alone for a full work day, and you don’t want too pay for outside help. There will inevitably be large, unavoidable expenses when you run into vet bills, boarding on vacations, etc. Even if they pitch in now, your kids will be going away for college and most of the dog responsibly will be on you. It does get easier after the puppy stage, but you eventually end up with a senior dog who needs a lot of increased care and medications.

      You’re obligated to do what’s best for the pup and make sure he’s wanted and cared for, but you’re not obligated to be miserable in your own home for the next decade to make that happen. If you got him from a breeder or rescue, they’ll probably want to take him back and handle rehoming themselves. You could also work with a breed club if he’s purebred or a mix that’s obviously mostly one breed, and many rescues will help or at least offer courtesy listings and such.

    17. I think this is where you have a Family Meeting about the dog. You are not happy with the current dog situation because [reasons]. You all agreed to get a dog and you want to make it clear this is a Family Dog, not Your Dog. You want the husband and kids to take care of the dog, which means [specific things.] If they don’t do specific things, you will look at rehoming options.

      I say “suck it up buttercup” to the fact that you don’t like the expense of the dog. That’s on you for saying yes in the first place. I’m not sure what you don’t like about the dog’s presence but this is the one you’ll have to really explain to the kids/your husband. It’s not as if you didn’t know what a dog was before you got it!

      Why don’t you put the burden of figuring out what to do with the dog during the day on your husband and kids? Who says this is your job? FWIW, my dogs have always just…been home…during the day. Once they are adult dogs they don’t need to go out and pee 5x/day.

      I think the bigger convo here is between you and your husband because if your kids are teenagers now, you are going to be looking at your husband to take the dog once they leave for college. Maybe one will want to take the dog to college with him/her.

    18. Hello. I have a 7.5 month old puppy. I am a dog person and had dogs growing up, but she is my first dog as an adult.
      I desperately wanted a dog and love her deeply. She is a very, very good puppy and didn’t have many of the “bad” traits puppies have (no whining in her crate, no biting, no destroying, no excessive barking, did not wake up many times during the night, very sweet). I still went through a huge adjustment period and had “puppy blues,” which is a thing. I remember crying in the bathroom after a stressful morning because she wouldn’t hold still to let me comb her. The lack of sleep, the worry, the interruption to my workday really threw me. That said, it’s so much better now, and it gets better each day. You’re over the hardest part by this point.

      First, it’s not reasonable to expect a puppy to be fully trained at 6 months. He is still very much a baby. You haven’t failed in this regard. Advice: get puppy into obedience training program at what ever level you’re comfortable with re: covid.

      Second, you don’t say why you don’t want a dog walker or doggy day care, but there’s nothing wrong with either of these options. Daycare is great not only because you can go to work, but it provides socialization and exercise for him which will make him a better dog when he’s at home and as he grows up. Also, don’t underestimate how much good a break from a puppy can do. Like I said, I love my puppy, but once in a while I just need time away from her. Just like I need time away from my SO or parents need time away from their kids.

      Can you be more specific about some of the things you don’t like about having him in the house? We might be able to provide more targeted advice.

    19. We got a pandemic puppy, too, and although I love her there were times early on I cried and wished we’d never gotten her. It’s a lot especially if you’re the primary caregiver.

      If the care is falling on you completely, I would explain to your family that they need to step up or you’ll need to rehome the dog. (I don’t agree with rehoming generally, but if you won’t care for the dog, it is better to do it while the dog is a pup). Have your teens enroll the dog in obedience classes. I don’t think daycare is necessary, but if you’re going to be gone all day, you at least need a dog walker while the dog is a pup. Your kids and husband should be able to do all dog related things without much help from you. If they’re not, address that.

      If you don’t like the dog because the house is a mess, make your kids do some chores and/or get a robot vac. Like others have said, making dog-free rooms/areas is a great idea.

  17. How do you deal with a spouse who eats everything in sight? Prior to WFH this was not such a problem, as it was confined to snack foods. It was annoying that I couldn’t count on being able to keep crackers or chips or nuts, but it didn’t mess up meal planning. But now he will sit and eat two pounds of grapes that I’d planned to use in lunches for several days, or go have lunch early and eat up the leftovers that were supposed to feed the entire family. I don’t want to go around telling him what he can and can’t eat, but with once-a-week grocery pickup I do need to be able to plan meals.

    1. He/she who eats all the food is the one who has to interrupt their day to go pick up lunch or run to the supermarket late at night.

    2. With 3 kids, two of whom are teenagers, we have a lot of “eating everything in sight.” Our solution is specific places for food that is to be used in meals–bottom drawer of the fridge, specific cupboard, etc. Everyone knows they can’t snack on those foods, and everything else is fair game.

      We also ask about specific requests for snacks too, so everyone is eating everything in sight trying to hit their cravings.

    3. I have a DH who will eat tons of stuff in one sitting, like the grapes and other things needed for recipes, like all the cheese or all of the leftovers, even things that I made for myself. It is one of my major pet peeves.

      I do write “Do not eat” on some things, only way to survive and avoid opening something for a recipe and only finding crumbs. If you want to be softer, put “Save for recipe” or “Save for Tuesday night’s dinner recipe” or put half in a container and say “Eat other container first”. I also hide things. My DH knows he has a problem but “forgets” that I told him to save the rest of the peanut butter for thai satay sauce.

    4. tell him to buy his own snacks? label future meals so he knows what you are planning. he isn’t a mind reader.

    5. Wow, this is a very unattractive quality in a spouse. Is his health and weight affected? Does he have self-control problems in other areas as well?

    7. This is more than a bad habit, your husband is intentionally eating food specified for the whole household, which puts a huge burden on you. Tell him that you guys are buying XYZ as in between meal snacks, and he can’t eat anything else outside of those snacks, and to only take a reasonable sized amount of leftovers for meals so that everyone can eat. To make it hit home, tell him he’s literally taking food out of his kid’s mouth because they can’t have fruit or vegetables that week and now their diet is suffering. I dated someone like this (once ate an ENTIRE WEEK’S worth of dinner in one sitting – we didn’t live together so that was my dinner) and tbh it was a presentation of a huge selfishness that contributed to the break up.

      This is a communication and planning issue. You need to tell him the problem, but you also simply need to buy more food, make bigger meals, and buy food that is designated as snacks.

      1. Is he doing it intentionally? There’s nothing in OP’s post to suggest that’s she’s even told him there are plans for the food he’s eating.

      2. Many women with smaller appetites don’t realize how much more men can eat than women. It’s not being inconsiderate or selfish, they’re just hungry. Are they eating more calories than is good for them? Maybe, but we wouldn’t want to police a woman that way and we shouldn’t police a man that way. The OP’s family needs to buy more food. Eating a whole lot of grapes isn’t selfish in the way that eating, say, a dessert that had been specifically bought for a child’s birthday would be.

        1. Well, they can buy more food but it doesn’t cure the problem of not having grapes to go in the chicken waldorf salad that was planned for dinner, or the grapes in a baggie that are put in each kid’s sack lunch for the week. This is exactly what I do with grapes and will buy two whole Costco boxes of 2 pounds, and I’ve come back the next day and all are gone. What am I going to put into the recipe that calls for grapes?

          I specifically don’t police my husband’s eating but I do put “NO” on a lot of food. And yes, if he eats them he is supposed to shop and replace them but always pleads for forgiveness. Not a good way to run a household.

    8. My spouse doesn’t eat everything in sight, but we both cook meals, so it’s easy to throw off meal planning. We use color-coded stickers. If I need something for a meal I’m making, I slap one of those garage sale dots on it. He does the same. If something has a dot, it’s off limits for meal prep, lunches, etc.

      I am loathe to suggest work for you as a solution to his habits, but it might be helpful to portion things out and then label them. There are six bags of grapes. Three of them have dots. Three of them don’t. One serving of leftovers goes in a single serve container, the rest go into something larger with a dot. If you have kids, I say make the kids do this.

    9. Not well! It’s not my husband but my teenage son. Nothing is safe. We have enough food in the house but what he’s actually going to eat, and when, is unpredictable. He chowed through a big batch of pasta salad so I made another batch, but that went moldy because he was no longer into pasta salad and now wolfing his way through a block of cheese that were supposed to go into enchiladas later this week. It’s an ongoing struggle. We are always asking him to put whatever he will want to snack on onto the grocery list and we will buy it, but he says he doesn’t know what he will want to snack on until the moment hits. I don’t have any answers. Just commiseration.

      1. well this would be where you teach your teenage son that you have to plan in advance. i also don’t know exactly what i will want to snack on, but try to guess, buy that stuff, and then don’t eat the stuff that i either don’t have or need for meals later in the week

    10. My husband is kind of like that. If I specifically tell him when I’m saving something for myself/a specific reason, he leaves it alone. I also include him in meal planning; I do the brunt of it, but he’s aware of what’s happening. The meal plan is also written on paper either on the refrigerator or nearby.

    11. I would make him responsible for every meal that he derails with his thoughtless snacking.

      1. Yep. “The plan was for us to have ‘x’ for supper tonight but someone ate a necessary ingredient. Guess it’s cereal night. Help yourself to cereal”, delivered as cheerfully as you are able.

    13. I wish I had a solution. My husband does this and it is so rude and inconsiderate. It’s literally taking your time, efforts and labour and devaluing them because his selfishness matters above all else.

      1. Because it’s completely unpredictable and based entirely on his changing whims. If I buy more fruit or cook more leftovers, some weeks I end up throwing it out. Then some weeks he clears out the refrigerator in one day.

        We literally have a menu written on the fridge and I talk about the meal plan all the time, but it somehow doesn’t compute that if he wants the kids to eat fruit with lunch he can’t scarf it all down himself.

      2. The problem is that he’ll probably eat that too. This is so terribly inconsiderate, especially when it sounds like he isn’t contributing at all to the shopping or meal planning.

    15. My husband used to do this, but we had a conversation and now he’s stopped. You’ve gotten some good advice, but you just need to tell him what he can and can’t eat. (It’s not really food policing when the food has another use. If there’s not enough food for meals and snacks, that’s a different problem). Now, when I unpack groceries, I tell him what is fair game and what I need for recipes. So I might buy 6 apples but need two for a recipe. I put the recipe apples separate from the snack apples and tell him there are four up for grabs. Same with the grapes example. I will pack up my grapes in separate baggies and then tell him there are grapes up for grabs in the big container but not the little bags. He now asks if he can have a leftovers container before eating it unless it is something he packed himself. Sometimes he accidentally eats something I need, but more often now he will ask if he’s unsure before eating something.

    16. My husband is like this. He has no off switch once he starts eating. One cannot count on purchased meal supplies, ingredients for recipes, leftovers that a particular person brought home, and on and on. There are never leftovers if he eats a meal, even if there should have been enough leftover for ten people. We have survived because I insisted on a locking pantry, a freezer with a key, and a separate small refrigerator that is his vs the larger family refrigerator. My husband is also happier this way—there are fewer gray areas which turn into feeding frenzies. Yes, he has an eating disorder. Yes, he knows it and has sought help, not particularly successfully by some measures, but very successful in that he maintains a healthy BMI. Yes, it affects everyone in the household. This may sound like h**l and it is in certain ways, but this is how we manage.

    17. LOL, my DH ate a lunch I had packed for one of the kids (for the next morning) because it looked cute and was in a small container. This left me hanging during rush hour in the morning (the kid got to eat hot lunch that day, which he loves, so no worries).
      A long conversation about what things are ok to eat and not ok helped. I also learned to designate things better. We use specific small containers for kid food and large containers that are leftovers saved for the next day (ok to eat).

  18. I love my St. Patrick’s Day outfit, so I want to share: Forest green J Crew margot sweater, snake print pleated midi (because St. Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland — GET IT???), forest green block heel suede pumps. And pearls.

    What are you all wearing this fine St. Paddy’s Day?

    1. The only green thing in my closet is a sheath dress, but I’m WFH so no St. Patrick’s Day outfit for me.

      My dog is wearing green grass stains. Does that count?

      2. I am wearing a kelly green sheath dress that I love, but usually wear only today and around the holidays. It is the only green thing in my closet for some reason, even though I am frequently complimented when I wear this color. Leopard print heels and a camel coat to top it.

    2. A blue sweater. Love not being pressured to dress up in green or everyone assuming I’m Irish all day

    3. Your outfit sounds cute! I don’t have much green in my wardrobe, so I’m just wearing a black-and-white sweater with black jeggings. However, my kids were in head-to-toe green.

    4. lol, I actually forgot about the holiday entirely, but coincidentally I happen to be wearing a green workout tank under my WFH sweatshirt so… don’t pinch me :)

    6. My greens are dark teal-ish greens, but a dark teal sleeveless top with a shawl collared teal cardigan in the same shade, dark wash jeans, navy shoes, and jade and rose gold earrings.

    7. I literally woke up, got on my phone, saw the Google Doodle, thought, “huh, St. Patrick’s!”, scrambled out of bed, and, lost in the morning to-do, proceeded to choose an all-black outfit.

      Shrug.

    9. Green eyes. They are my go-to St. Patrick’s Day accent. My everyday accent, actually.

    10. I have a silly shirt with shamrocks and hearts that I wear just to tell my Irishman that I love and celebrate him. I have matching green pants but that is a lot of look and I have not put them on this year.

  19. I am corresponding with someone who uses the pronouns “they/themme”. I have never seen “themme” before. I looked for a definition online, but couldn’t find one. Is anyone here familiar with this pronoun and able to explain its meaning? Thank you!

      1. I bet it’s not a typo – the way I’m reading the OP’s post is that it’s in themme’s email signature – you know, how including pronouns in signatures is the new woke thing to do? If it’s in the email signature, it’s most likely not a typo.

        Agree with the them + femme.

        I am doing my very, very best to not be exhausted by this idea of pronouns in signatures and invented pronouns.

        1. Yes, this is it exactly. It’s in their sig. I also assume it’s them + femme, I just don’t know what I’m supposed to make of it. Clearly it’s meant to communicate something, but I am old and out of the loop. I was hoping someone here would know!

        2. You don’t have to play along with it. I find the entire thing tiresome and bad for women so I don’t.

          1. Agreed. You don’t get to invent words and drag me with you. I will gladly use ones that already exist.

          2. I get being curious about the origin of the word, but I don’t really get what is so complicated here with regards to implementation. Being asked to use/not use certain language or jargon is so normal in so many contexts.

    3. Just ignore and move on with your day. This person will get bored and move on to something else anyway in lieu of developing interests and a personality. Harsh but I believe it’s true.

    5. Pronouns don’t really have to have meanings though. They are just substitutes for other words. I would respect they/them, but I’m not ok with themme and I wouldn’t use it. It’s very look-at-me-I-need-attention in a way that they/them isn’t.

  20. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel like we have all hit the equivalent of the “marathon wall.” Marathon runners know they finish the run at 26.2 miles, but at 22 miles, it feels like you can’t take it anymore. It feels like it takes super human strength and thinking to get through the last few miles. We all know we are getting close to the end but it feels like it is JUST TOO MUCH. Hang in there everyone. Just a few more miles….

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