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Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
A short-sleeved sweater is one of my favorite items for spring. It adds a bit of warmth and layers beautifully under a blazer on those chilly mornings. This sweater from Ann Taylor has some fantastic details to add a little visual interest. The contrasting tipping looks fun and fresh, and the gold buttons on the shoulder add a bit of shine.
The sweater is $79.50 full price at Ann Taylor — but 20% off today with code — and comes in sizes XXS–XXL.
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
Liza
This pick is adorable! Love an all-bright spring outfit.
Can I get some closet clean-out advice? How old do you think is a general rule of thumb for a non-classic piece before it is obviously out of style? I’ve got some items that have features such as dolman sleeves, bell sleeves, shoulder studs, etc, that I got circa 2016-2017 which are feeling dated but technically fit and really, who knows what’s “on trend” or not these days? How do you make the call on what to keep of those type of items or when you can fairly say you’ve gotten your $40 worth and can donate?
Cat
Try them on as if you were going to wear them today- if you feel good wearing them, keep them. If ‘meh’ then let them go.
Anon
I do not torture myself this way at all and far prefer empty closet space. I get rid of anything I’m not wearing now and wouldn’t wear.
Anonymous
This. The idea that people have closets full for 20+ year old clothes actually stresses me out. I don’t like to wear things that feel dated to me; I’d rather have a small wardrobe of current things. It’s also worth noting that the pants we’re wearing now don’t look good with the tops we wore in 2016, which probably went with skinnier pants.
Anon
I wore a dress I bought in 1999 to an event yesterday. I’ve always loved it and it still fits well. If you love it, keep it, trends be damned.
Anon
+1
Anon
I think bell sleeves and shoulder studs are more noticeable than dolman sleeves.
Anon
I honestly thought the skirt was pants and she was wearing her PJs.
Anon
me too!
pugsnbourbon
Yep, also thought it was a PJ set at first glance.
Runcible Spoon
No buttons on the shoulders! You can’t sling a shoulder bag over your shoulder if the buttons will dig in.
InsuranceIsARacket
Thank you SO MUCH for your help on Tuesday. I was feeling massively discouraged about our $20,000 medical flight bill. Yesterday I called the CMS No Surprises Act hotline and they confirmed this bill is likely “balance billing” and illegal as of January 2022. They encouraged me to file a complaint. I have filed complaints with CMS, the state insurance department, BCBS of MN and the hospital itself. The hospital agreed not to put the bill into collections until this is sorted and their financial office is reviewing things again. I don’t trust the hospital to follow the law unless they are forced to by CMS so I will continuing pursuing this even if I have to hire an attorney.
Side note, I’m actually a physician that previously worked for this hospital. I’m HORRIFIED that some of my patients may have received large inappropriate bills after I put them on emergency medical flights. After the dust settles personally I will probably take this case to the local media.
Anon
Oh gosh! I’m the one who told you to look into the No Surprises Act! I’m SO GLAD it might be getting you somewhere!
KS IT Chick
I am, too. I helped implement our compliance with the law, and our leadership would be livid to hear about something like this happening. And it shows exactly why we need the law!
Anon.
Wow, this is such an interesting update, and a reminder for me to always follow up on my medical bills.
Anon
Have you talked to your company’s benefits person? I lead benefits for a large global org and being self-insured, if an employee comes to me with something like this, I often have resources that can help, even to the point of authorizing it to be paid by the company.
Anon
Good for you. Keep us posted.
Anon
Good for you. Keep us posted.
Sasha
What a great update! So happy that it’s hopefully getting sorted, keep us posted
Anon
Has anyone moved to a new city or region primarily based on the weather? If so, how did that work out for you? Would also be interested to know where you moved to, if you’re willing to share!
Anon
Weather combined with good job opportunities was the reason to move to the Bay Area for me. Although I didn’t really grasp the fact that NorCal does not mean summer all the time, I’m very happy. Tons of sunshine means growing plants year round, vs 4-5 months of winter, freezing, slush, and SAD, which was my life before (I am not a winter person).
Anon
That’s funny, I moved away from the Bay Area because of weather. The heat and wildfires were getting intolerable for me. Also I hated that every day was basically the same weather except for fire season. I’m not a winter person but I love love love spring and fall and really need to live somewhere with seasons.
Anon
I’m a Bay Area native. Over the years many of my friends have moved away, primarily for the cost of living/wanting to buy a house. I’m talking 20+ friends and all but one friend has said they wish they hadn’t moved away.
Anon
I know a bunch of people who moved away and no one regrets it. I certainly don’t! The only scenario under which I’d want to go back was if I became seriously wealthy (like HHI $500k or more) and could comfortably afford a single family home and a nice lifestyle there, but I don’t want to work the kind of hours that normally go with that kind of income, so it’s not realistic. And even then fire season would be a real dealbreaker. But I have asthma and little kids who are more vulnerable to smoke.
I’d like to own a condo or townhouse in Napa some day and spent part of the year there, but not Sept/Oct.
Anonymous
What do they say the four seasons are in CA–earthquake, fire, mudslide, drought?
Anon
I did not, but I have a close relative who reviewed her job offers and selected Santa Barbara. She has had a very successful career there, and is glad she made the choice she did.
Anon
Contrary to this, I was not a stellar students and applied for clerkships in places with rotten weather and non-hotspot cities (that still passed the laugh test) figuring I’d have a better shot there than somewhere with really awesome weather.
In my next life, I will be a nurse or accountant so I can be employable anywhere and pick the place that suits me best (and then revisit over my life).
Anon
I live in Berkeley but I would LOVE to live in Santa Barbara. We spend at least one long weekend there every year. Perfect climate.
anon
As a counterpoint, I live in SB and absolutely hate it. The weather is perfect, but it is such a small, insular community (similar to “Seattle freeze”) and there is not much to do. Not to mention there is no job market to speak of (I am able to do it b/c my job is fully remote). I would move back to LA/Bay area in a heartbeat if I could (I’m here for DH’s academic job).
Seventh Sister
I live in LA and love visiting Santa Barbara, but thank you for confirming for me why I don’t actually want to live there as a real person. While I’d totally live there if I was an actual princess or a member of the Pierce family from Succession, it’s good to know it’s not paradise for most people.
Anon
The old saying was that it’s home to the newly wed and nearly dead. Now it’s mostly a bunch of old NIMBYs, remote workers, and students living 3 to a room or in their cars because the housing situation is so bad (I went to grad school there). Also a lot of non students who live 3 to a room or in their cars or in tents or on the street.
Anon
This is very interesting to me. Can you give me a little more detail? I am also looking for a new place to live and for me weather is #1 and Santa Barbara is high on my lists.
While I have always been a city person, as I have gotten older I have become happier with a simple life. A beautiful environment, with places I can walk to/read at/eat well, and enjoy the benefits of living near a university (?cultural events) seems perfect to me.
What kind of things are you missing? What would you be doing in the big cities that you miss?
anon
Oh interesting. I’m dreaming of moving to SB from the Bay Area, but only when I feel secure enough at work to go fully remote. I’m so tired of SF even though I used to love it.
Anon
Berkeley here – I hear you. The dream is to move there when retired, like (it seems) most people! But it won’t happen because everyone we know, including our kids, is here.
Anon
Not OP, but I agree that it feels very insular, and even if you can work remotely and don’t care about big city things, there are some real downsides. COL has escalated crazily in the last few years with the influx of remote workers, to the point that most normal workers can’t live here, so teachers, doctors, and service employees are all leaving in droves. I’ve had multiple doctors leave, and it takes 6-12 months to get appointments with new ones, which would be especially concerning for someone who wants to retire here. Nordstrom and a lot of the stores have closed, so there’s no more shopping in person for clothes at “normal” stores. A lot of delivery services people take for granted don’t exist here (like Amazon Fresh or Whole Foods delivery) and in general services and stores are pretty limited. I don’t find the restaurant scene very interesting, though that may be partially my tastes (not great veg/vegan options). It is beautiful, it’s just not necessarily the easiest place to live and the COL has really eaten away at any kind of community spirit.
Anon
I’ve only visited SB but I didn’t think much of it even as a tourist! I know that’s an unpopular opinion, but the hotels were super expensive and not nice enough for the price, and there was nothing interesting to do besides the beach, which you can do in many different parts of CA. I was also really underwhelmed by the restaurants even though I did a lot of research and went to a bunch of highly recommended places. I think of all the long weekend trips I’ve even taken, it might have been the most boring one. That doesn’t mean it’s a bad place to live (places that are boring to visit can be nice places to live) but I have zero desire to go back after visiting once.
Anon
I love SB and go multiple times a year as my brother lives there. I will be spending a month there (working remotely) this summer so looking forward to immersing myself a bit more. My brother wants me to move there, and I might now that I am nearing retirement, but the housing costs are so high it seems stupid to take on a large mortgage at retirement (even if I can afford it!).
Anon
Not exactly, but the weather is the main factor discouraging me from making a move to Bellingham, Washington…
Curious
Oh, it’s not as terrible as you think, and my friend loves living there! Climate change is giving us more sun.
Anon
We had no say in where we moved because of my husband’s academic job, but the climate in coastal Washington is my dream. I love rain and hate heat and dislike snow and ice.
In-House Anon
I lived for 2 years just south of Seattle, and was dreading the weather. My husband bought me a SAD lamp before our move (I’ve had mild SAD symptoms in other areas). And honestly, winters weren’t bad at all! Never even opened the lamp box. I found the two winters I was there better than NYC and midwest winters overall (granted, those winters may have been an aberration, but truly, they were not bad). I love western WA so much and would move back in a heartbeat.
Anon
Yes, totally. Turned down an Ivy to attend a second-tier school in better weather. Would do it again in a heartbeat.
Anon
I didn’t look at schools north of the mid-Atlantic b/c I loathe winter. Was very happy at a VA college even though people thought I was nuts. It was right for me.
pugsnbourbon
It was a big factor in our move out to Santa Fe. We didn’t know if we had another Indiana winter in us (and I know they’ve got nothing on Minnesota/Wisconsin etc). It gets cold here but there’s much less snow and more SUN. I cannot overstate how much the sun helps. Summers are hot but not brutally humid, so you can enjoy being outdoors.
We wanted to live in a place we didn’t feel like we had to escape.
Anon
I have a friend from Europe who has lived in the US for decades now. She has been all over the US at this point and feels Santa Fe is the best place. She says it all the time.
Anon
Ha, that’s so funny. I moved from Arizona to Indiana, in part because I love the weather here so much more. Todays a perfect spring day that makes all my life decisions feel right. I love having actual seasons. And I had previously lived in Chicago so Indiana winters feel perfectly sunny to me.
Anon
Same. I live in Indiana too and although it wasn’t the weather that drove our decision to move here, I think the weather is pretty good. Winters are fairly mild by Midwest standards (and getting milder with climate change – we almost always get some 50 degree days in February and we did not have an appreciable snow accumulation this past winter, which was actually a huge bummer for my kids), spring and fall are delightful, summer is too hot for me but we spend a large chunk of it traveling and my parents’ apartment complex has a pool we basically live at when we’re in town. And I like the humidity for the most part – we visited Arizona a few months ago and although it was nice that it was sunny and in the upper 60s in January, my skin and throat felt so parched from the dry air despite guzzling water. I don’t think I could live in such a dry climate.
And yes today is GORGEOUS! Working outside currently :)
pugsnbourbon
You got me there – springtime is lovely in Indiana. And maybe I’m just a weenie about winter!
Anon
I think it’s all relative. I grew up in a part of the Midwest with much harsher winters so Indiana feels mild to me.
Anon
Arizona meaning Phoenix is so different than New Mexico, specifically Santa Fe. The elevation makes a huge difference.
Anon
Yeah, I’m not from Phoenix. I understand the difference between Phoenix and Santa Fe.
Anonymous
Sort of. I’m from the South originally and moved back (though to a different part of the South than I’m from) after years in New York in part because I just couldn’t deal with New York winters anymore (or NY COL). It’s been great! Admittedly some people find Southern summers unbearable, but I’ll take July/August heat and humidity over the long winters any day. I would love to live in Southern California for it’s usually good weather but don’t think I could deal with wildfire season/droughts (and again, COL)
Anon
That would be me. I found the SE unbearable and fled for SoCal. I’ll take a few days of smoke every few years over 6 months of miserable heat and humidity any day.
Anon
I also had TERRIBLE allergies and asthma in the SEUS. I might have been been willing to put up with the weather if it didn’t make me feel so terrible, but I wasn’t willing to live the rest of my life feeling that awful. California is much better for me and I live close enough to the ocean that air quality generally stays good, even during fire season. I also had trouble with cold winters, so this really is a big improvement for me, health wise, even if the COL requires some sacrifices.
anon
This is also me, except I am from SoCal and always knew that I would ultimately return (left for college, law school, and a couple of jobs right out of law school). Part of it is the weather, but the other part is just the way of life, the culture, the food, and the diversity. The COL is crummy, but I’m willing to accept that as the price of admission for living here.
Anonymous
On the other hand, I left SoCal right after college partly because of the crummy weather (so hot! no winter!) and partly because of the terrible smog.
CA
That and the fact that in this state I control my own body and can access healthcare.
Anonie
IMO weather is far less important to your happiness than community. If the community is relatively equal in both spots, then pick the nicer weather. But if you have friends, family, work connections, church, school, clubs where you are, stay put. It is very very hard to duplicate those things, I daresay nearly impossible. Vacation in nice weather, and don’t let the winter-blahs (it’s that time of year for certain parts of the world) cloud your judgment.
here she goes
+1 this was our experience. dh and I moved for a year to a better climate, and ended up moving back to our upper midwest home state because this is home and we have a really healthy community here. DH struggles with the winter blahs more than me, and might give a different answer, but I wholeheartedly believe this is the place I want to live for the rest of my life.
Anne-on
This. I get SAD and have the happy lamp/do all the winter walks and still have to ‘get away’ to strong sun at least once a winter. Even with all of that we don’t plan to move after we retire as we have a very strong network of friends/neighbors/work colleagues in our state. I also love being able to drive to both mountains and beaches in under 2 hours.
Anon
I agree with this completely. I cannot even fathom moving for a job, let alone the weather. My community ties matter much more than anything ephemeral.
Anon
One of my close friends who moved from the Bay Area to the South for housing prices has never really found her community there. She always says people are friendly, but they don’t want to be friends. Everyone already met all their friends in kindergarten. My friend who moved to London had the same experience.
Anon
+1M to this. I live in a blue city, in a red state – state has A LOT of warts. The people make the place, and I don’t miss the east coast winters (formerly in D.C. and NY). I live close to immediate/extended family and they are fixtures in our family life (vs. just holidays). A bunch of my closest friends (college circle) have moved back to this home city metro area. There’s diversity, great food, arts.
I actually can’t stand dry heat, so humidity is my friend, I like that I’m in a position to improve my community through work/volunteerism. While I disagree politically with some folks, I like not living in an echo chamber, and the genuine kindness of even those I disagree with far outweighs what I felt in cities where I was more consistently politically aligned.
Seventh Sister
As someone who lives in a bit of an echo chamber community, I actually find myself having quite a good time getting to know people / chatting with folks when I go to see my sister in her blue city in a red state.
Frankly, I find a lot of my fellow liberals insufferable – we may have voted for the same presidential candidate but I do not think that composting is going to save us all or that someone is a climate arsonist for driving to the grocery store. Also there is a huge amount of backbiting and gossip – I actually appreciate someone coming right out and saying that they disagree with me.
Anonymous
Not moved to, but excluded regions from my search list definitely. I am never living somewhere significantly humid. I can take heat, but only if it is dry.
Anon
Yes, and I would do it all over again.
Anon
I think that very generally people are as happy as their nature will allow and where they are does not really matter. That said, my family moved to Southern California from the South when I was a teen and it made a genuinely enormous difference in our happiness because my father had serious allergies and asthma that basically went away.
Anon
I used to think this almost as a matter of principle.
But it has really not been true for me (not just of weather but also prevailing culture). I’m much happier when I’m in a place that is a better environment for me.
Anon
I think it depends on the person. This is generally true for me, but I have friends who were seriously impacted by the weather and were much happier after moving.
Seventh Sister
I moved to Southern California in my early 20s and my allergies basically went away as well. While I only had slapdash allergy testing one time, it was pretty clear through experience that mold, ragweed, and dust were my major allergy triggers (I have a mild-ish bee sting allergy that I’m not ready to test out on real bees anytime soon). LA can get dusty but it’s usually very, very dry, so my sinus pain flares up when it rains here but I’m otherwise happy as a clam.
While I do think people can make some of their own happiness, I’m a city mouse. Being in a small town where everyone knows everything about everyone was stifling to me as a teenager and it’s stifling to me as an adult. Having some level of anonymity is important to me.
Anonymous
It was not the only factor but one of a few- moved to the PNW from DC area. Could no longer handle 90+ days a year over 90 degrees with high humidity and could no longer handle mosquitoes- we bought a house with a yard and then realized we couldn’t really use the yard 6 months of the year due to mosquitoes (have you met DC suburb mosquitoes? It’s intense). I grew up in the PNW and missed warm, dry, mosquito free summers and not-very-cold winters. If I hadn’t grown up here though I don’t know what move would have made.
Anon
We’re moving from VA to CT. It’s too hot and buggy and only going to get worse as the planet continues heating up. (Our jobs are obv flexible.)
Anonymous
Has anyone had tennis elbow? How long did it take to heal? I have been dealing with it since February and doing physical therapy. I have been refraining from weights (it aggravates it) and therefore haven’t done upper body weights at the gym 3 months. :( Any tips or personal insight on how you dealt with this is helpful
A
I have and went to doctors, PT, nothing helped. It was cured by an orthopedic massage therapist in one visit. She pushed hard in my armpit (upward into the joint) with one hand while my arm was in a “4” shape across my back – so lower arm across my mid-back, elbow bent 90 degrees – while telling me to push my shoulder forward/down into the massage table. Whenever it started bothering me again after that I just did the move to myself and it released the pain.
Anon
Yes, and a cortisone shot cured it. And of course not doing things that aggravate it anymore.
Anon
Yes! I went to physical therapy and had steroid shots but I think it was just time that healed it. Unfortunately, it took months. Like 2 1/2 to 3 months before I could carry things with that arm without wincing.
Anonny
Commiseration. I’m having a flare up of golfer’s elbow from an injury from years ago. I’m now on month 2 without weights or other activities I enjoy. I pick up everything with the good arm. It’s finally not hurting regularly. And I actually think that using a tennis ball for foam rolling my forearm in the last two weeks has made a difference. You have a lot of commiseration from me.
Hope Cuevas
Is it me or are 80’s style sweaters/shirts are making a comeback? This is the second sweater in the last couple of days that I’ve seen with major 80s vibes. Having been an 80s teen, I’m here for it. lol
BeenThatGuy
I see this more of a classic preppy vibe than 80’s comeback. Either way, I’m here to for it too.
Over 50
Agreed! I think it is the gold buttons that take it from straight preppy to 1980’s chic. I am just waiting for the shoulder pads!
Anonymous
I thought this was just regular Boden
An.On.
I have some cream embroidered pumps that I bought as a necessity (my shoes broke while out and about) and I haven’t been able to figure out how to style them. I’d probably only wear them at work, but none of my current pants are cut to that height of heel, so it’d have to be ankle pants or skirts, right? What would you all wear with them?
I couldn’t find my exact shoes, but they’re very similar to this, except with more green/floral embroidery:
https://poshmark.com/listing/Sam-Edelman-Hazel-Natural-Linen-Floral-Embroidered-Heels-Pumps-Size-9-641afd0a8bb2e2b6d3b548ec?utm_source=gdm&utm_campaign=19865853512&campaign_id=19865853512&ad_partner=google&gskid=pla-1983937992869&gcid=651982407348&ggid=148106182238&gdid=c&g_network=g&enable_guest_buy_flow=true&gclid=CjwKCAjw0N6hBhAUEiwAXab-TX0bzdnZfHzCX63Qg_TBeq9nPcnwiXXuAw1eKjOottXTq0g72PF2CxoCQmUQAvD_BwE
AIMS
I would wear them with a midi dress.
pugsnbourbon
Those are cute! But I see how they’re tough to style – sort of an informal fabric in a formal-cut shoe. I’d pull a color from the embroidery and start there. Ankle pants and midi dresses – I think a shirt dress with a little bit of a full skirt would look amazing.
Anon
I’d wear those with jeans and a blazer or fun blouse. If the heel height is similar to your link, most jeans should work.
Anon
Any solid colored summer dress, with a straw handbag. I’d wear them with a navy dress, personally.
Anonymous
How are those $63 with so much wear?! The hashtag is coastal grandma but I’d do an olive/navy/fuchsia combo dress or olive wrap pants with a fuchsia tank top and navy fitted sweater/cardigan. Those are not grandma vibes to me!
Anne-on
Makeup threadjack – what (if anything) are you planning to buy during the sephora sale? In addition to restocking mascara/eyeliner I plan to try the new Rare beauty lip oil and liquid highlighter. Will also see if any of the Hourglass blushes/palettes look good. My VERY picky skin has broken out in eczema with the Westman/Armani/Charlotte Tilbury foundation and blushes which is super frustrating so I tend to stick with brands that I know are ‘skin safe’ for me.
Nylongirl
Yes, let’s get all the suggestions! And the Ulta sale is going on right now. Looking forward to some new make-up!
Anon
Ah, the westman dewy drops that are supposed to be amazing for a skin tint gave me hives I think! Glad I’m not the only one!
I am buying sunscreen. Stocking up on my supergoop before summer.
BeenThatGuy
I bow down to Supergoop! Best sunscreen products I’ve ever used.
Anne-on
I bought the foundation/blush/glow-y stick thing and had either rosacea/eczema breakouts for a solid 7-10 days after. My similarly pale SIL was very happy to take them off my hands at least!
Anonymous
I love the sampler kits, like the sunscreen one. I also check my makeup brushes and buy any needed replacements.
Anon
The sunscreen sampler. Some full size sunscreen, probably. The Sephora brand brush cleaner spray (daily) and Sephora brand eye pencils, which are very good. I’m going to try the Saie Slip Tint tinted moisturizer. I would ordinarily restock my beloved NARS radiant tinted moisturizer but I just opened a new one and still have one in the box from the last sale.
My husband really likes the pricey Dermalogica Dynamic Skin Recovery SPF 50, so if the sale works on that I’ll get him the big size. His dermatologist turned him onto it and I personally think he could get equally good results with something cheaper, but if he’s going to wear an SPF 50, I will take it.
Anon
Speaking of hives…
I have been looking for a foundation to wear for meetings/speaking engagements that would cover my rosacea. My tinted moisturizers aren’t doing it. I went to Nordstrom and she put Cle de Peau on me. The color match was perfect, the texture was lovely and did cover my rosacea, so even though it was super expensive, I bought it. By that evening, about 5 hours after she made me up at the store, I wanted to scratch my skin off. Fortunately I hadn’t opened the one I bought, and got my money back.
Sometimes higher end is definitely not better!
Office wrap?
Hi – I’d like to buy a nice, classic, office wrap to deal with summer air conditioning and avoid always having to bring a layer. Any recommendations? Bonus if it’s on sale and in the $100 range, but neither are requirements. Thanks!
Anne-on
I keep the C Cashmere (Bloomingdales in-house line) ‘travel’ wrap in my office in grey. It’s light enough that isn’t heavy and I use it as a wrap year round – lap blanket on very cold days and a light shawl otherwise.
Anon
I see a lot of Lilly Pulitzer cashmere (may be a blend) ponchos and they look good with dresses and separates and come in a ton of colors. I recall finding them on Posh, etc., so definitely on budget there.
AIMS
I really like Garnet Hill cashmere & they have a great wrap but not on sale at the moment (keep a look out though – they often have stuff discounted for their weekly sale). https://www.garnethill.com/cashmere-wrap—heathered-gray/shoes-accessories/wraps/334124?listIndex=6&defattrib=Color&defattribvalue=HGRY&uniqueId=334124_color4&isNewProduct=false
SaksOffFifth also has a bunch of Portolano cashmere wraps on sale at the moment ($149-ish) and others that are closer to the $100 range.
Gail the Goldfish
I have J.Crew’s Oversized cashmere wrap for this purpose. Some colors are currently on sale.
OP
Awesome leads! thank you!
anon
Molly Moorkamp’s annette cardigan. She’s got it on flash sale right now too.
Anon
Does anyone wear Sarah Flint pumps? I have heard that they are comfortable (but oddly, not the flats). I am liking the shorter block heels (vs the taller spiky heels, which I can ruin in one wear) and need a new pristine pair for some work meetings (I have some pre-pandemic ones in decent shape to wear, but they are in “used condition” shape and I’m the hunt for a replacement). This is key: I have B width forefeet that are a bit wider on one foot due to how an injury healed and very high arches. I need a roomy toe area.
Chl
I have the sling backs in tortoiseshell and had some pumps. I sold the pumps on poshmark because they wouldn’t stay on my foot. They’re…fine. I wouldn’t say they were any more comfortable than my cole haans that were like 1/3 of the price. I wanted to like them more than I actually do.
Anon
I have a few pairs from before she priced them like Manolos. Today, i’d just buy the real deal designer shoes I love over SFs. They’re comfortable ish, but not worth the current price point. The heels are more comfortable than the flats, which are murderous.
Anonanonanon
I bought them at the prior price point and love them. I find them super comfortable although it was some trial and error on sizing. I bought both the Emma heels and sling backs, but in different sizes. But not a fan of the new price point. For reference I have normal to slightly wide flat feet.
HFB
I’ve decided i want to experiment with some new hair styles. normally i just wash, air dry, and brush. so i have very little experience with styling products. what’s a good place to buy a bunch of small travel/sample size of a variety of products? thanks!
Anon
What is your hair texture? That matters a ton. But like, any grocery store or drug store chain will have travel sizes of standard items. If you hair is straight/oily/fine, hairspray on wet hair is what I do on travel vs lug a bunch of things around and dealing with TSA. Use a light touch and hair must be really wet of it won’t distribute out when you comb it through.
HFB
sorry -meant to include that. i am white with medium thick semi wavy hair.
i haven’t had much luck finding a large variety of types of products at drug/grocery stores. most of what i see there is for styling curly hair/enhancing curls.
Anon
I have similar hair. Have you considered the big chop to a shoulder length “lob”? That would be cute for summer and wouldn’t require a ton more styling than you do now. You can leave it to air dry and have small waves (twisting sections of hair while wet helps bring out the wave.) Or you can blow dry it and pull the ends under with a regular hairbrush.
Anne-on
I’d take a look at the ‘hottest in haircare’ box at sephora. But in my (limited) experience, the success of your hairstyle is more about the tools and techniques you use vs. the prep or finishing products. The products will make your hair look shinier/smoother/help it maintain more volume or have less frizz but they won’t generally make or break an updo, curls, braids, coils, or flat ironing. Disregard if you’re looking for a product to help your natural waves/curls look better – what looks are you planning to try? Folks can probably give better suggestions if we know your hair type and what you want to acheive.
HFB
thanks! that sephora box looks like what i need! i want to experiment with a bunch of different styles and products but don’t want to buy a bunch of full sized things if i end up not liking them.
Anon
If you want to keep your current routine, you could add Bumble & Bumble’s Don’t Blow It and see if that enhances your air-dried outcome.
Mpls
+1 to Don’t Blow it. And to not brushing your hair (and only combing when wet). apply with flat hands to wet hair and then scrunch from the bottom to bring the wave back. And then let it air dry (or diffuse it). The bumble & bumble will often have the travel sizes as a selection on the product page if you have issues finding it in stores.
Anon
Sephora often has hair sampler packs.
pugsnbourbon
Target has a section of minis of their higher-end brands, too.
Anon
I adore the JVN air dry cream and started with a travel sample from Sephora
here she goes
Sephora, Ulta, and Target all have mini travel sample sizes of products.
Anon
So I’m of the opinion that products will barely make a difference if at all. If you want to try something new, get some hairstyling tools. Try blowing your hair out or letting it get almost dry and finishing with a dryer brush. Or make beachy waves with a curling iron or similar heat tool.
Chl
Everyone’s hair is different but I totally disagree. The right products for my fine straight hair make me look like a totally different person! Agree to look at Sephora, ulta or target for sample sizes. Salons also have travel sizes of premium brands. I think it’s good to try different types of products eg styling cream, volume spray, serum, mousse and see what generally works even in a single brand and then try different brands of the product type you like. I’m currently using Paul Mitchell skinny serum but just picked up some evaNYC styling cream (looking for an alternative to the bumble and bumble and living proof creams that I’ve tried). These both reduce frizz and smooth but the serum is more sleek and the cream is a little more structured bounce.
Anon
Maybe it depends on the hair, but products make a huge difference.
Even that L’Oreal 8 second wonder water stuff makes a big difference in my hair.
Anon
I have reached that point in my life and/or post-pandemic workwear where I am wearing jackets that aren’t originally part of a suit or bought to wear with suit pants (e.g., Senior Attorney’s Golden Ochre knit moto jacket from Ann Taylor). I still wear a lot of black pants, so I am looking for any good work-ish jackets with black in them but that aren’t solid black and look spring-ish. Also: I am short and have no shoulders, so the giant double-br3asted jackets that teens wear just look comical on me.
Anon
Thrift & consignment stores are great places to find these sorts of jackets. There are SO many options and fabrics out there – you’ll know the right ones when you see them. I really prefer seeing them in person, rather than buying online, because fabric quality makes a huge difference in how they look and that can be hard to judge from a photo.
I find them fun to shop for because it can be a bit of a treasure hunt but not an exhausting, frustrating one.
No Face
Small resale shops near wealthy areas are my best source of nice jackets. Anne Klein or Calvin Klein jackets at Macys are also okay, but not mind blowing.
I mostly stick to collarless styles because they look best on me. My oversized blazers are strictly for casual days with jeans.
Chl
Are you looking for recommendations? I typically find those at Zara or jcrew at my price point. I think people also like the food, rag and bone and Veronica beard?
Anon
I pretty much only wear Rag and Bone and Veronica Beard now. They are wonderful and worth the price.
ANON
zero maria cornejo
Anon
I was just looking at this one:
https://www.talbots.com/tipped-tweed-blazer/P231019517.html?cgid=apparel-jackets-and-outerwear-jackets-and-blazers&dwvar_P231019517_color=IVORY/BLACK&dwvar_P231019517_sizeType=MS#start=1&sz=36
Anon
comment in m0d
Talbot’s tipped tweed blazer
Anon
I’m going to be in Athens (Greece, not GA) in a a few weeks – does anyone have any tips or recommendations?
Anon
There was a thread about Athens a week or two ago
Anonymous Canadian
Oh yay! I recommend afternoon tea at the Hotel Grande Bretagne Winter Garden – you can walk-in anytime after 1 pm I think. It’s too insanely oligarch-level pricing to stay there anymore sadly. We had two great dinners this summer at O Tzitzikaskio Mermigas if you happen to be downtown, although you can get such amazing food anywhere even on the street. If you are looking for jewelry I can recommend George at “The Little Shop, Athens” 25 Pandrossou St. Plaka, Athens. He has a lot of silver but does tons of custom work too.
There is also a guy who does excellent Greece travel recommendations – Matt Barrett’s Greece Travel Guide – he’s on FB and I think just online. He has tons of Athens recommendations and they are SOLID. Lots of other things I would recommend would be covered there.
Also I am so jealous. Have such a great time!
Cat
https://corporette.com/odette-sweater-lady-jacket/#comment-4420498
Anon
I’ve enjoyed reading all the discussions about fitness this week! For those of you who do fitness activities, any advice on how to find people and groups to do those things with? For context: I enjoy all different kinds of activities, even though I’m not especially good at any particular sport, and I’m decently in shape from walking, running, yoga, and various Beachbody programs. BUT – I don’t have many friends who are into fitness, and I want the fun that comes with actual activities, not just putting on my headphones and getting my heartrate up by myself. This really hit me hard this week, after I spent a few days visiting my brother and his kids who live in a different state. We went water skiing, kayaking, played tennis, and I even tried golf for the first time. I know that they don’t do all those things every week, but I NEVER get to those things unless I’m traveling, and while in theory I know that I can add those activities to my life, I don’t really know where to start. My husband is not into fitness at all, and my kids are still in the toddler stage (though I’m trying to make sure that our family time involves fun physical activities). Right now, my only social physical activities are hiking with a friend (we try to go once a week, but it’s usually 1-2 times a month), and the occasional weekend yoga class or walk with another friend. I’m in Austin, in case anyone reading this has Austin-specific recs!
Cb
I’ve never quite figured out how to make pals at yoga class, I’ll chitchat but I’m slightly older than the average yoga crowd. When I’m WFH, I do Nordic walking with the older ladies in my village, which is good exercise and they’ve always got the fun gossip.
Anon
What is Nordic walking?
Anon
I LOVE Nordic walking!
For the poster above, it’s basically walking with the use of trekking poles. You can go fast, and the poles give your arms a slight workout as well.
I live near a very popular walking area, and I never see anyone else doing it, unfortunately. I would love to make some Nordic walking pals!
Anon
Running club.
Anon
Running stores will frequently sponsor (as in, hey meet at the store at x pm on y day for a fast 5 miles, or our marathon traing group meets at x on y), or have flyers from local running groups.
Local/neighborhood Facebook groups are great places to reach out to people with similar interests. Arrangements are usually made off FB, but I see people posting things like “looking for a walking buddy” or “is there a local adult soccer league” and getting tons of answers.
Anon
Women on Course is a golf group for women — maybe it exists in your city? Also, doubles tennis leagues.
pugsnbourbon
I’ve made good friends at small-group, crossfit-style classes. There’s a lifting section where you have time to chat/work in together, and then a conditioning part where you cheer each other on.
anon
We definitely have a community in which friendships have formed at my OrangeTheory studio!
Echo running clubs or the runs hosted by the local shoe stores if you’re interested in running. Google to see if there is a hiking club in your area or a rock climbing group or anything else like that in an area of fitness you’re into.
Anonymous
In my area, there are kayaking tours you can sign up for. We also enjoy hikes with a local conservation group.
Anonymous
Someone in my industry (insurance) started a group for beginning women golfers. I did it and really liked it- we’d just have a lesson and then hit the course for a few holes every Wednesday at five or whatever. Reach out to pros at golf courses in your area and see if they could do something similar. Also joining a country club seems like a perfect fit for you.
emeralds
My recommendations, in no particular order:
-In person group exercise classes, preferably those with some kind of team camaraderie element. Try to go at the same day and time, you’ll start recognizing people pretty fast. I imagine Crossfit and similar workouts would be good for this?
-Second running groups, that’s a really easy one! In addition to local running stores, a lot of breweries in my area will have a weekly run club. I’ve gone to them solo before and always found people to be friendly and welcoming. Is there a big local race that a local running group sponsors a training team for? Those are AMAZING for meeting people since you end up sorted by pace and will often run with the same people every week for months at a time.
-For outdoorsy activities, it looks like Austin has an REI. Get on their email list. My local REI is always having workshops and trail days. I imagine a local outdoor store would have similar options.
Good luck!
Anonymous
I have found a couple of different ways:
1) I signed up for a tennis class (beginner/intermediate) through my local parks and recreation. Struck up a bunch of conversations and eventually, toward the end of a seven week session) asked if anyone would be interested in hitting balls on the weekend. That was two years ago and has evolved into a casual group of seven (friends bringing friends) who meet pretty regularly every Sunday.
2) I joined FB groups local to my area for hiking and SUP. Both have a lot of meet ups — I have yet to attend, but based on the photos/posts many people do
Anonymous
You might start with the retail places that serve the sports or activities you want to do. For instance, in our area, we have L.L. Bean and REI – they organize trips and groups regularly. Same thing with local running shops.
Anon
If you enjoy exercise classes, going to the same time several days a week & then making conversation with those you recognize is a great option. Particularly a class that’s super chummy (CrossFit), but also Orangetheory or barre work too.
Anon
I am size 18 with a large tummy. Is there an Ann Taylor pant that would hang well? Do they run large or are they true to size? I find their cutaway blazer to run a full size large for example.
Any other brands you would recommend? I am looking for work pants that are not too thick but also not too breezy (can be dresser up with a non-matching jacket in summer) in a up to date cut.
Anonymous
J Crew
Anon
I am the same size and large tummy. I don’t know which pants I have from AT but I do find there are quite a few of their pants that work well, based on your criteria (which is my criteria as well). I have found that I just have to go there and try them on. I actually have had really good luck at the Loft outlet as well.
Anon
I live in Talbots Hampshire ankle pants and Perfect Crops in the summer. The Hampshire ones are a bit more formal than the perfect crop but I frequently wear them in my business casual office or to court conferences/meetings with a non-matching jacket/blazer.
Moose
I really like the Eloquii Katy pant for this.
Anon
Talbots.
pugsnbourbon
Check out the Hayden pant from BR Factory. They sort of split the difference between “breezy” and “work-weight,” if that makes sense. I am as 12-14, straight up and down (#fridgegang) with a bit of belly and find them super comfy.
Anonanonanon
Similar size to you and I’ve loved the Ann Taylor easy ankle pant (although limited options) and the J.Crew Factory Jamie pant.
Anon
Thanknyou everyone!
Key Lodging Recs
Can anyone provide me with Florida Keys pro-tips? I’d like to go and in my head, I imagine renting a little cottage (maybe with a pool?) for a week.
Is that *a thing* in the Keys? Or is it all hotel based stays? If I could rent a house, is there a website you recommend (vrbo or a local co)? A certain area/Key to go to? I know nothing and I’m afraid I’m too late for this summer?
Anon
Figure out where you want to spend the most time and rent a place nearby. Going from place to place across keys/islands is a royal pain.
I’m not much of a fan of the Keys – it’s overbuilt, congested, and not much in the way of beaches. If you’re into boating or fishing, your opinion will probably be different than mine. I can see the appeal for that.
Anon
I don’t see why you couldn’t rent a house. VRBO is my go-to and I see lots of listings there. Key Largo is my favorite if you like snorkeling/diving.
Anonymous
I stayed in key largo recently and we rented a condo in a complex. It was perfect for our 4-kid family.
You’d have to sort out transportation; we flew into FLL and rented a car. You can take a bus from MIA and where we stayed was bike-able to lots of stuff though not all the destinations.
We stayed in a 3BR unit at the kawama yacht club in Largo, found via AirBnB. Our unit came with a kayak and two bikes. We had access to the tennis courts, pools, lagoon for swimming and it was right in the ocean (great for sunrise/sunset; not a swimming beach).
Moose
I was just there, and we stayed at Kona Kai resort – small and relaxing, and the “rooms” are cottage-style and they have a pool. I’m sure VRBOs and AirBnBs aren’t hard to find. The fun part is having a car and driving the highway between all the keys, visiting each one!
LawDawg
A few years back, I stayed at Tranquility Bay in Marathon. It’s a small resort and we rented a townhouse (kitchen, 3 bedrooms, porch). There were grocery stores nearby; restaurants on site; pools; and a beach. I think this place would be perfect for you. You also avoid some of the vrbo/air bnb pitfalls since it is a real hotel.
Anon
A bl0gger I follow stayed there: https://www.katheats.com/hello-from-tranquility-bay
It looks like a great setup for families, but not sure I’d want to go there if I didn’t have kids.
LawDawg
I looked at the blog and it was such a different experience for us (2 50-somethings, 2 30-somethings, and 2 teens). We never went into the family pool or family beach. There is an adult-only pool and a beach area that is less family friendly. I was there the first week in January (got there NYE) and didn’t see many kids, but the two guys next door were down to party with us. But the one thing that she got right was that the turtle hospital next door was way cooler than I had imagined. I went by myself and wouldn’t shut up about it to everyone else.
Anonanonanon
I think VRBO is fairly common. We rented a house on Sugarloaf Key. Agreed that you shouldn’t expect much in the way of beaches but great for snorkeling. We loved Bahia Honda State Park and snorkeling at Looe Key.
Anonymous
Has anyone exclusively used a Chromebook for a job search and remote interviews? I may be starting up a job search and am debating buying a cheaper Chromebook to facilitate this process since I just have a work laptop. I didn’t replace a precious personal laptop when it died several years ago and really haven’t missed it so thought the Chromebook could be a money saving alternative. My resume is in Google Docs and it seems like the Chromebooks should work for any video interviews. Is there anything I’m looking over or any pros/cons to share? Appreciate any advice!
anon
I did. I still only own a Chromebook, except my new work computer. I didn’t have any issues with the video interviews at all and most workplaces are comfortable with Google Docs resumes at this time.
Anonymous
Thank you! I knew someone here would have tried this. Looks like I have some shopping to do!
Anon.
Just regarding resume: My resume is in Google Docs, but I save it as a PDF before sending out/uploading to a job appliaction site.
pugsnbourbon
I do this too!
Anonymous
Great reminder! I think I did this several years ago and totally forgot about it.
Anon
My somewhat cheaper Chromebook has issues with video interviews so I use my phone. I assume it’s due to the processor speed/capability. I convert my resume to PDF from Google docs for uploading. Good luck!
Anonymous
Good to know! I’ll plan on testing out video before any interviews and having my phone available as a backup.
BB
Yes! Doing this for the third time now! I bought a Pixelbook (RIP) back in 2018 as I wanted a personal laptop to do a job search. Used it for that search, my next one, and am now currently searching again. Honestly, the only issue I have ever had was that I can’t install the app that comes with my portable scanner for the one time that I had to scan a doc for a background check type thing (app was only iPhone, PC or Android mobile). But that wouldn’t have been an issue if I’d just bought the scanner that connected wirelessly.
Emma
Any advice on what to throw on on top of a wedding guest dress to stay warm? Are pashminas still a thing? Or a cropped jacket of some sort? I am attending two weddings in Canada this summer and it could be a million degrees and humid, or it could be cold and rainy, so I would like to have some sort of warmer option if it’s cold. I own lots of blazers from my biglaw days, but they don’t seem appropriate for a summer wedding.
Anon
I love outerwear. I’d absolutely wear a blazer over a dress if it looked right, but other options are leather jacket (depending on the formality), Teddy coat (short, cropped ones are perfect for this), faux fur coat (I’d also go a more cropped length over a dress). Tuckernuck often has cute options, so does JCrew but they’re more seasonal. Might also try Nordstrom rack or their brass plum line.
Anon
Faux fur jackets are surprisingly warm. Maybe a lighter color one for summer weddings?
pugsnbourbon
There’s a pic of my sister at a wedding wearing a leather jacket over her dress, and she looks cool as hell. That’s my vote.
Anonymous
I also love blazers over party dresses, usually just thrown over the shoulders like a cape. I picked up an off white tweed blazer that I’m wearing over everything right now.
Anonymous
I’ll be the voice of dissent on faux fur in the summer, even in Canada. But I was in a dept store last week and everyone from all saints to Steve Madden has a light colored moto jacket that could look awesome.
Ribena
I like leather biker jackets over wedding guest dresses!
Anon
I still like a pashmina for occasions like this, mainly because I don’t like having to lug around a jacket/coat while it’s warm, assuming you need more warmth as the sun sets. A good pashmina is warm because of the cashmere but also very light and easy to cram into a bag. (I should say gently folded or rolled into your bag, but let’s be honest)
Anon
For funerals, are there cultures or faith traditions where viewings are done? I can recall going to one as a child and was really . . . negatively affected by it. I didn’t really want to see the person who was obviously made up and didn’t even look like himself. I was told that he was dead; I didn’t need it so proved to me (and it was jarring that he didn’t look like himself at that point — I could see people holding out disbelief that “it wasn’t our Ronnie they showed us.” Flash forward to now, where spouse and I are working through what we want and I very strongly don’t want a viewing (we have children but they teens, so older than I was). I was thinking that I just want a closed casket graveside service where I will be buried and a memorial service before/after in the city we live in. And for the service, maybe a reception afterwards b/c I do seem to have strong feelings re feeding people who attend. For those of you who have done this thinking, are the viewings really typical? Spouse is from a big city (my family are rural farmers, but many the city funerals I have been to area also closed casket).
Anon
It’s your funeral – do whatever you want.
I haven’t been to a funeral with a viewing since my great-grandfather died in the early ’90s. Everyone I’ve known who’s died lately has been cremated, so that takes care of that.
anon
+1. Instruct whoever will be in charge to do a closed casket! If that’s what you want, that’s what you should get.
I have no idea what religions the open caskets I have been to are under. They are usually at funeral homes.
Anon
We had a relative who had no faith tradition have everything in the funeral home. He wanted to be cremated. But because the family wanted a viewing, they had to embalm him and get OG business-casual attire (which he didn’t have, long-term WFH in tech) for the viewing. Which seems to be the worst of all possible worlds — lost of post-mortem handling, embalming, etc., all of which seems to be invasive (even though you are dead) and ten the expenses of that and also renting a casket just for the viewing. I wouldn’t have made those choices, so I guess I will likely be exploring pre-paying for what I want (we have a family plot, so I know where I’m going at least).
Anonymous
I find viewings really off putting/slightly creepy. I grew up Southern Methodist and they don’t really seem to be a thing in the South (we have visitation, but it’s literally just you go visit with the decreased’s family members, usually a day or two before the service, almost never with a viewing). My husband’s family is from up North and all the funerals I’ve been to for his relatives having viewings. So I don’t know if it’s a cultural thing or just our particular social circles.
Anon
I think it was more popular years ago but has generally fallen out of favor. Do what you want.
Anon
This is extremely regional/cultural, I believe. I’m from the rural south, and the vast majority of funerals I’ve been to included a viewing component. It was A Thing when COVID hit and funeral homes were temporarily not allowing viewings. My father died in June 2020 (not of COVID), and we ended up having a 4-hour viewing to allow people to come over a more spread-out time period that I was convinced was going to be a super spreader event, but not having a viewing was just so Not Done. I also hate them and just did a cursory glance in the coffin to say I’d seen him in case people said something about what he was wearing, etc. I will say some people really want that opportunity to see the body. There are people who will touch the person’s hands or face and who find that time to be special.
For your situation — On the one hand, I say write down your wishes, no matter what they are. But on the other hand, funerals are for the living. If your kids would find value from a viewing, then that could be left up to them. The chances are that by the time they are making that decision, they will be old enough to think through the pros and cons, and they will be familiar with whatever the norms are where the funeral will be held. If it’s uncommon to have viewings where you are, then they probably won’t choose that anyway.
Anon
Where in the rural south? Catholic Mississippi Gulf Coast may be different than the Carolinas or Virginia or Tennessee.
FWIW, when my mom was little, the dead stayed with the surviving family in their house for the visitation (which I guess was also a viewing). I guess they did embalming first, but I probably don’t want to know.
Anne-on
My extended family is from the rural south as well and every funeral I’ve been to for that side has included a viewing and agree that many people seem very comforted by being able to see/touch their relative a final time. There have also been (too me) a surprising number of kids as these viewings as there really isn’t ‘daycare’ available so grandparents/relatives provide child care and the kids tag along where grandma goes. None of the kids were phased by it (and I tagged along to a far amount of funerals in the summers I spent out there as a kid and none of them really registered). I plan on cremation, as do my parents, but it’s very much a ‘do what you prefer’ situation.
Anon
I did not know that you could touch the person — I learn something every day.
Anon
Agreed as to the rural south. I am seeing more closed caskets these days with a nicely framed picture of the deceased person on top or nearby, and I like this a lot better. No more forced and awkward conversations about “doesn’t she look natural” or “he looks at peace”. My mother always insisted the open casket was a socio-economic thing but I’ve seen it at all levels.
Trish
I am firmly in the pro-viewing and funeral/memorial camp for grieving. It upsets me when the “celebration of life” is held weeks or months after the loved one has passed as it seems like a way to take a short cut for the grief. When there is a funeral/memorial followed later by the “celebration” I am fine with that. When I have missed the viewings, I felt like I missed saying goodbye.
Anon
I was recently at a funeral with no wake, and some of the family members expressed that they had no idea how difficult it would be never to have seen their loved one a last time, almost like they were taking it on faith that she’d passed away at all (since they lived far away and the sudden decline, death, and cremation all happened before they arrived).
I didn’t know that this is standard practice with some animals (for example, if a rabbit dies, it’s considered crucial to allow a bonded rabbit a “viewing”). When my cat was euthanized, I didn’t know it was important to bring his body back home, and his brother never stopped (apparently) searching for him.
Some people may be more strictly rational than me, but I think I’m not that different from the animals; I think I have to feel the loss on some visceral level and that is what it means for me. And I definitely need to grieve and not just celebration or remember.
Trish
Ha, yes, Anon at 10:37. My standard line when there is a celebration and no funeral is that even elephants have funerals. I was not raised in any particular religion but it seems that the rites of passage have been lost in our very busy, disconnected and secular society.
Anon
Do your friends and acquaintances know you’re this judgmental about their very personal practices of grieving? I find your comment very off-putting, BTW. Who are you to judge how other people handle their grief? Or use a family’s funeral practices to extrapolate some kind of pessimistic, catastrophic view of our society? Get over yourself.
Trish
If you think its healthy to skip the sad part and go straight to the party, then go right ahead. Guess I touched a nerve. Good luck with that.
anonshmanon
I appreciate you sharing your thoughts. I am one of the people who would find a viewing very offputting (and it’s not done in my community), but this helped me understand a bit why it may be important to others.
Anon
Why is it your business how the immediate family handles their grief? Good lord, you are certainly judgmental about other people handling their own grief. Consider offering them some grace and realizing it isn’t about you.
Trish
How many people have asserted that viewings are creepy? Why would you say another person’s custom is creepy? So weird
Anon
A lot of the Catholics I know whom passed away did viewings. You can do a closed casket viewing, FYI. One value is that a lot of people go to the viewing who don’t go to the funeral – coworkers, friends of family, etc.
Anonymous Grouch
This. I’ve been to two Catholic funerals that had a viewing the night before, followed by a funeral mass the next day. I wasn’t super excited to see a dead body, but felt in each case like I should go to show my respect for the deceased and take the opportunity to condol with the family. In the first instance the deceased was young and passed suddenly, and in the second instance it was an older gentleman who had been sick for a long time. The first guy didn’t look all that great in his coffin – his makeup had a more green tint than you want to see on a corpse, but the second guy looked really awesome, and it was honestly comforting to see him at peace and looking rested. Both of those funerals were big productions with hundreds of mourners, viewing, mass, graveside service, big boozy wake, the whole bit.
Senior Attorney
Now that you mention it, I’ve been to something like this and they called it a “visitation” rather than a “viewing.”
Trish
How many people have asserted that viewings are creepy? Why would you say another person’s custom is creepy? So weird s
pugsnbourbon
I’ve only been to one open-casket service, which was years ago for someone in their eighties. My mother’s side of the family has VERY strong anti-open-casket opinions – my grandmother has threatened to haunt us if that happens at her service.
We do have a strong tradition of large-ish receptions with food/booze (large Catholic families). For myself I’ve requested the cheapest cremation option available and an absolute rager of a a reception.
Anon
You are my people! Especially your grandmother.
Anon
Do you mean a wake? Every funeral I’ve attended, even for people who are cremated, have a wake the day before. The casket is open, you go and pay your respects to the family, stay a bit and then leave. I am in the Northeast. Even for people who are cremated, they seem to do the funeral with the body and later do the cremation and burial (Catholic).
Anon
I think wake might be a Catholic concept that is different from the viewings I’ve been to (raised in an evangelical tradition in the south). Ours are called visitations and take place at the funeral home, where the casket is open for a couple of hours and people drop in and out. There’s no food at this gathering.
My impression (mostly from popular media!) is that a wake happens in the family’s home with food and over a longer period of time.
Anon
Ah, the wakes I’ve been to are similar to what you are calling a viewing (at the funeral home for 2-4 hours, no food). Maybe it’s regional semantics! But it’s very rare a funeral around here doesn’t have have a wake (even for non-Catholics). Some are closed casket, but most seem to be open. I admit, thinking of being seen while dead makes me self-conscious, too
Moose
This is the same traditional I come from (I’m in Texas). Visitations are common, with or without the deceased present, as a more informal gathering before the funeral.
Anonymous
I’m in NY and this is my experience. Almost always an open casket at the wake. People pray before it but I just greet the family. I always go to the wake and maybe the funeral mass.
The regional differences in this board are wild sometimes. Is anyone from a place where open caskets are not a thing but also houses are cheap and three drinks every Friday doesn’t make you an alcoholic? Because they sounds pretty nice.
Anon
Here is one for you. I don’t want a viewing but am fine with a closed-casket visitation; husband is OK with that. I don’t particularly want a viewing should my husband die first, but he tells me that his family will insist on one. IDK that they’d even travel to our city for it, but he has told me to prepare for a fight over this (srsly — do people do that?). He grew up Catholic but never got confirmed but sometimes attends services at a local church solo (our family goes to an Episcopal church usually and is regularly attending there). He thinks that this will be a bigger deal to them than respecting his wishes on his DNR (which he refuses to sign but has made his wishes very clear to me — maybe he should loop them in as well but I don’t think they’d get a say, or would they?).
pugsnbourbon
Family deaths have the potential to bring out the very best and very worst in people – yes, people might fight.
anonshmanon
yeah, grief, especially when super fresh, really makes people behave unpredictably.
Anon
I believe he should sign the DNR! They never have to read it until after the worst has happened. If he has it and refuses to sign it, then yes they might be upset when they find out (if you are following what the DNR says but not what his family wants). If you have the piece of paper he signed, then that at least helps you “prove” to them what he wanted!
What is his hesitation?
Anon
OP on this sub-comment. He hasn’t so much refused as it is very detailed in my state (hydration? food? pain meds?),probably in ways that are hard to process and hard to envision and seem scary. He has questions, but they often seem more philosophical / religious or medical vs legal. He just says “pull the plug” but a 5-page form is overwhelming to him. I signed mine.
Anon
You are the immediate family and next of kin as his wife. Ignore the extended family.
Anonymous
Maybe this is a Catholic thing, but almost every funeral I have been to has had a viewing even if the person was cremated after. The only one that did not was my cousin who died violently and there was just no way. I also went to a co-worker’s funeral at a Methodist church and there was no viewing. We are going to a family funeral soon (Catholic) and there will be a viewing. My kids have already said they do not want to view the body, so we prepared my MIL because she thinks that you must view the body. I think you can do whatever you want. Just make your wishes known.
KS IT Chick
When my DH’s parents died, the funerals were in a small town in Kansas. We had viewings that no one attended. They opened the caskets for both for the dismissal of the attendees from the church to walk by. My mom was rather nonplussed since she wasn’t expecting it.
We had a family viewing for my paternal grandfather. My maternal aunt informed me that if we did such a thing for her, she would “come back and haunt your (posterior).” For both her and my mother, we didn’t have any kind of viewing, just the memorial service after cremation and internment of the ashes in the church columbarium.
Anon
My Irish Catholic relatives all had viewings with open casket, followed by church funeral followed by procession to burial followed by country club reception.
My Episcopalian relatives were all cremated with a family-only burial in the church cemetery immediately prior to the funeral followed by church funeral followed by country club reception.
Both sides also had family only gatherings at someone’s house either the night before and/or after the reception too
Moose
Texas here, from a big city. Evangelical-ish/Protestant background.
I’ve been to many, many funerals, as a child and adult. and viewings are common. They are often called “visitations” as well. Usually they are the evening/day before as a relaxed environment to socialize with the family before the more formal funeral. I think they are nice way to have a social environment that is less pressure than the funeral. Usually the deceased is in a side room (when at a funeral home) where you can choose to view the person if you choose. In addition to this, the funeral next day is often open-casket.
I have been to others without open casket, but it is pretty normal for me. I’m sure I’ve even been to visitations that have no deceased present, as the main purpose was the socializing.
Conversely, I have only ever been to one wake, as most of my circle is not Catholic, so that tradition is foreign to me!
Moose
Also – there have been numerous incidents where it’s not possible for us to attend the funeral, so we’ll go to just the visitation. A nice benefit when funerals are often in the middle of workdays.
Anon
We don’t do viewings in my family – my mom’s side, my dad’s side, or my husband’s side. People go straight to the crematorium and then we do a Celebration of Life when we get the ashes back, and scatter the ashes when people feel ready to do so (which can be up to a year after the person passes). We are white, past religious affiliations include Southern Baptist, Methodist and Anglican Catholic (although almost no one is actively religious now). The last person to be buried that I can recall was my mom’s grandma on her dad’s side; everyone else since then has been cremated. Burial and big funerals are seen as a waste of money (we’re pretty pragmatic about such things).
As others have referenced, I find viewings to be quite creepy and in the case of people like my grandmother, who declined precipitously before she passed, we all agreed we preferred to remember her the way she was when she was in better health, and not the way she looked when she died in the nursing home. I understand some people find viewings comforting or necessary and that’s fine, but we have written our final instructions specifically saying we prefer for there not to be a viewing. That being said – once I’m dead, I don’t care, and my kid and husband or whoever is involved at that point can choose to do what they want, and whatever gives them peace.
Anon
I’ve unfortunately been to my share of funerals recently and not a single viewing. Sometimes the casket is at the front of the church. Sometimes it’s an urn. For my mom, the crematorium was behind schedule so we just had a framed photo of her. Catholic church where she was a long time parishioner – the priest had a COW but finally let the funeral go forward after literally yelling at us about that. The last thing we needed that day. I don’t know why I throw that in, but mainly just to suggest that no matter how much you plan, and clearly you are a planner, it’s unlikely to go perfectly according to plan.
Anon
i’ve never been so glad to be jewish as traditionally viewings are not a thing. when my mom passed away i did go see her body before it was put in the casket, which was one of the worst experiences of my life, but she died youngish and my dad and sister were there when she passed and i wasn’t. i am also glad that traditionally jews sit shivah rather than doing some kind of celebration of life thing later on because it helps with closure rather than some in limbo feeling where you pick a random date to do everything.
Anon
I thought Jews traditionally did not have viewings but there was a viewing of my Jewish (and pretty religious) grandmother. It was traumatizing.
Horse Crazy
Same. Reading this thread makes me so grateful to be Jewish.
HFB
A very close relative of mine died very suddenly, and young, and i was in total shock. i didn’t truly comprehend she had died until i saw her in the casket several days later. i was 23 years old and it was the first close loss for me. the viewing was deeply painful but i think beneficial to me in the long run. hopefully in your case you will be a ripe old age so it won’t be so shocking for your family. but i thought i’d add my perspective for you to consider.
Anon
Hello, hive! Are there any online Pilates classes or YouTubers you would recommend? TIA.
emeralds
I like Move with Nicole on Youtube.
eertmeert
Kira Lamb is great, she has classes in Pilates Anytime but also has some free resources on her website https://kiralamb.com/pilates-workout-bundle/
I follow her on instagram, and she has lots of fun energy and offers plenty of modifications and info for each movement.
Anon
Lindywell.
Paula
I just started working with a branch of my company based on Nairobi and am realizing that I know very little about Kenya. Like they know who the US president is, but I don’t know much about the government there. Any suggestions for books, news to follow etc that will make me less of a clueless American?
Anon
Aljazeera has good English-language coverage of Africa.
Anonymous
Besides Aljazeera, the BBC and Economist can also give you an overview of politics and business in African countries. The BBC has a guide to Kenyan media outlets. And don’t write off what you can learn from chitchatting with your colleagues in Nairobi!
Anon.
I think Wikipedia is your friend here, or even a somewhat recent travel guide from the library – I imagine a travel guide would have lots of information about local customs, holidays, food, important places, and how the country is generally organized.
anon7
How long is long enough between a very serious relationship ending and a new serious relationship starting? I’ve been seeing a guy (friend of a friend) for a few months and am completely over the moon. The relationship is committed and easy on all accounts, and definitely feels like it could be “it”.
The catch is: he was dumped by his very serious girlfriend last spring and by all mutual friend accounts was completely devastated. It sounded like the engagement was imminent (not sure if she got cold feet or what) and he was blindsided by the breakup. I’ve always been the breaker-upper in my relationships, so I don’t know what its like to move on from something like that, and I’m having a lot of anxiety over questions around whether he’s still pining for her, what would happen if she came back into his life, etc. He was actively dating for around 6 months prior to us being introduced, so I don’t think I’m a rebound, but I do wonder if I’m just the first woman he’s had anything close to what he had with his ex and that’s why he’s with me.
The breakup is definitely a sensitive subject and while we had an early conversation about whether he was really ready for a new serious relationship, we haven’t discussed her or the breakup much since. He hasn’t given me any reason to think he’s still waiting for her, or that she’s “the third person” in our relationship–I’m an overthinker and am putting a lot of this on myself. I guess I’m asking for anecdotes about people who lost the person they may have thought was “the one” and then moved on to something better that made them just as happy or happier, if those exist.
Anonymous
You’re making up a problem.
Anon
This. I ended a “very serious” relationship on a Monday, was pissy and got back online and made a date for that Thursday with my now husband.
Monday
These cases absolutely exist, and they’re more common than people who feel otherwise in my experience. (“Feeling otherwise” meaning feeling like they lost their person and never recovered or found anything better.) My partner and I were both casually discarded by our ex-spouses, and are happier together than ever before while having the wisdom and empathy that comes from that kind of heartbreak.
The only thing that would give me pause here is how and why the breakup is a sensitive subject. If he can’t talk about it, tears up, etc. that could be a sign that he’s still processing it and you need to proceed carefully.
Anon
Is it a sensitive subject? Just as plausibly, he gave her the necessarily information early on and at this point, sees no reason to continue to discuss it with her. So long as he’s moved on, it’s not actually her business. I say this as the wife of a man who was left at the altar by his ex, and who myself had gotten out of a four year relationship shortly before meeting DH. I cannot fathom either one of us having much patience for questions about “what if” the ex came back.
anon
+1 why do you need to talk about her and their relationship or their breakup? It’s not your business OP and not relevant to your relationship IMO.
Monday
Yes, as long as he’s moved on it’s fine. I’m saying that if someone can’t talk about a past relationship or cries when they try, they may not have moved on. I obviously don’t think she should ask him “what if your ex wanted you back?”
Anon
Where are you getting anything about him crying?
Normally, I understand exploring different options, but she is already borrowing trouble. No need to invent more.
Anon
Just be prepared for the unexpected. My own experience, and the experience of some of my friends, is that recently-dumped guys can go to great efforts to seem unbothered and like they’re over the past relationship, but whether they actually are is a different matter. I was a “rebound relationship” for a guy who ended up dumping me abruptly to try to get back together with his ex-girlfriend (which didn’t work) and I don’t know that mine is an uncommon experience (from stories I’ve heard from others – it doesn’t seem like it). You likely won’t get him to admit he still has feelings for his ex (which he almost certainly does and that’s completely normal) or that he’d go back to his ex if she’d take him back. So, I would just guard your own feelings, as much as possible, and keep your expectations modulated. I hope things work out for you long-term, but it’s very fast for someone to get over being dumped by someone they were planning to marry and be completely over that person, and ready to engage on a heart-and-soul level with a new person.
Anon
Where are you getting that he still has feelings for the woman who dumped him a year ago?
anon
His relationship ended a YEAR ago!!
Anon
When you asked this question, I fully expected the time period to be about a month or two. A YEAR? Girl, stop borrowing trouble.
Anon
Yeah, I’m really baffled by this question honestly. It seems like a pretty normal timeline to me.
Senior Attorney
+1
anon
+1 there is nothing in your that makes me think he isn’t committed to your relationship. This is your anxiety and you are borrowing a mountain of trouble trying to figure how you would survive a break up and find someone else where there is seemingly nothing wrong in your relationship currently!!
Anon
My first husband moved out in May, our divorce took a long time to be finalized (uncontested, the county just moved like molasses). I met a guy in August while I was technically still married and everyone thought it was too soon. We just celebrated our 23rd wedding anniversary.
Anon
I was beyond devastated when my husband left me out of the blue. A year later I met a guy. We had a horrible first date. I continued to casually date around and expected to never see that guy again.
Another year later I met him again. We went out and had the best time. Clearly I just wasn’t ready the first time. We are still together 12 years later. I love him so much more and in so many other ways than I did my ex.
I told him the basic facts that I had been married, etc but I didn’t and don’t talk about my ex or our divorce. It’s just not relevant at all to my current relationship.
anon
Google the taxi light theory of men — sounds like you hit the right time here.
Anon
Honestly I was thinking something similar.
Anon
This is exactly what I thought of. The guy realized he enjoys being in a relationship or is ready for something serious.
Six months is plenty of time to get over a breakup. I expected OP to say they met after six weeks. And if OP has been dating this guy for six months she should know at this point whether he seems committed.
Jules
My ex-H (of 25 years) has now been married for 5 or 6 years to a woman he met online oh, three months after I moved out. So there’s that example.