Coffee Break: ‘Marion’ Diamond Quilted Leather Tote

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1. What kind of underwear do you guys wear on the regular?

   1. Black or nude-for-me: Boyshorts from Target (Gilligan O’Malley or something like that?) and invisible edge bikinis from Maidenform when they go on sale at Macy’s. With jeans/full skirts (no risk of VPL or see-through issues), comfy cotton bikinis from wherever – I think my current batch is actually from Duane Reade.

   2. Hanky panky thongs

      1. This.

      2. This.

         1. This.

      3. Me too

      4. Me too.

   3. Soma vanishing-edge bikinis. Changed my life…

      1. I have the Soma ones (after target discontinued) with the silicone grippie things. Life changing. I was so happy to never thong again.

         1. Same – the hipsters.

   4. Cotton VS panties.

   5. Natori Bliss.

      As an aside, I never shopped at Soma because I’m pretty sure that they never made size 32 bands in their bras (or am I delusional??) until recently, but I may give it a try.

      1. I am the Anon above who wears the hipsters. I don’t buy bras at Soma because they seem to think all A cups need mega padding, and I disagree – I believe in truth in advertising :) but I buy all my regular knickers there.

   6. Hanky Panky signature lace v-kinis

      1. Have one of the Retro v-kinis that I LOVE but I am just too cheap to shell out to have them be my only underpants. Or maybe I should just bite the bullet and get a set of 7 or so given how long the one has lasted and looks new still.

         Usually buy cotton bikinis in a 7-pack from costco.

         Just discovered the Yummi Nici Shaping Brief and I am in LOVE. It is a light smoother – does not feel like control top at all, just smooths things out, stays put, VPL minimal.

   7. Cotton bikini or low-rise briefs from Victoria’s Secret, usually without lace unless I’m getting dressed up. I kinda like wearing the colorful ones, I often pick a color that matches the season, or my outfit, even when I’m sure no one will see it.

      And bras from VS as well, usually nude or Ruby Wine (love that color) in basic styles. I like the Fabulous bra, the T-shirt bra is good too.

   8. Uniqlo seamless microfiber briefs , no VPL

      1. How do you find these to be in hot weather? I’m obsessed with Uniqlo’s airism line for all of my tanks/undershirts, and I’m mad they don’t have airism underwear for women (just men). Is their microfiber line still breathable and comfy?

   9. Jockey No Panty Line Promise panties in various cuts. The fabric is soft, silky and I never notice that I’m wearing them.

   10. I used to wear the Jockey No Panty Line Promise in modal. I don’t like the tencel – it’s very silky and honestly, made my pants slide down. When Jockey recently discontinued it, I couldn’t find anything I liked until I discovered the Soma Embraceable Super Soft. It’s very quickly become my new fave. I can’t wear the Soma with the silicone because I have princess and the pea skin and get welts from anything like that.

       1. I’m also a cotton/modal person and love Soma’s Embraceable panties. They wear like granny panties but look convincingly like linger*e (according to my husband) and often go on reasonable sale price (as they are now, actually).

          I also wear a mix of cotton jockey and gap.

   11. Cosabella thongs.

2. I need to vent as I am about to scream.

   I am a third-year associate and completely miserable at my job to the point that it is affecting my health. It stems almost entirely from one case/one partner who is so terrible to work for that the office can’t keep associates. I have repeatedly tried to limit my involvement by stating conflicting deadlines, but I’m not even asked anymore if I have time, I’m just told. (The others on this case are all designated to just this case, I have several other cases.) I can’t tell you how much I want to quit just to screw them over trying to staff the case! I want to go in-house, but I’m a smidge younger than the typical 5 years they take. Please tell me it can be done! I worry that another biglaw firm will be more of the same and I’ll have to tough it out for 2 years before I can leave again (and not look like a job jumper) and do what I really want to do– go in-house.

   1. I went in-house after 2 years in BigLaw, and we just hired someone who is 3 years out. It can be done.

   2. You can definitely go in house before 5 years. Most in-house job postings require 5 years, but that requirement is often not set in stone. I went in house after almost 4 years, and one of my good friends went in house at 2.5 years. Even if you don’t have the level of experience they want, you should apply!

      1. Thank you, this is good to hear. I applied to one already, but work is so exhausting, I hardly have time to search/apply. Any good resources or recommendations for finding these positions?

         1. We work with recruiters and also post openings on ACC.

            1. And keep your networks alive. We’ve hired several people because a current person reached out to a former colleague to gauge interest, the person was interested and interviewed, and got the job.

         2. Indeed and ACC’s job portal. Good luck!

   3. You can go in-house before 5 years but you also say: “It stems almost entirely from one case/one partner” so I think you might really benefit from a change of scenery to another firm.

      1. or even just another case. it’s hard to see beyond the horrible thing you are in, but it won’t last forever. good luck.

   4. While you are searching for that in-house job, I really recommend you go to a partner you trust, or HR, and tell them that this partner is making things so bad for you that you are at the point of leaving. At my firm we have a person designated as the person to go to when there is a personality conflict or a partner is being inflexible, but I know not all firms have this. I do think, though, that many people–and especially women–opt to just pull the ripcord rather than having an uncomfortable conversation with people who might actually be able to help you take control of the situation and move onto another team. Perhaps that’s the cumbayah of west coast big law, but I know that at least at my firm, partners would rather try to help first than have people just continuously leave.

      1. This would be awesome, but my experience is that difficult partners are tolerated and no one really takes them on. It is easier to leave than to try to change a partner who thinks that he is sailing along fine and people need to adapt to him.

         1. I would love to do that. Unfortunately this partner is a big rainmaker, so the associate exodus is expected. Also, there is a trusted partner, but that partner works for said difficult rainmaker, too. It’s unfortunate but here the value in keeping and cultivating the associates is far less than keeping difficult partner happy, so if they don’t value me, then I need to.

            1. I would still consider finding someone to tell. Even if it won’t help your situation, eventually the lost investment in associates might start to impact his revenue. I work for a rainmaking partner who was notoriously horrific and the firm made him go through sensitivity training a few years back.

               If it makes you feel any better, you are so not alone. I actually cried yesterday at work because a lawyer I work with is such an a** hole to me.

            2. Yes, the same has occurred at my firm–just because someone is a rainmaker doesn’t mean that the partnership won’t make him or her be civil to the associates in order not to lose talent.

   5. huh?

   6. What???

   7. What???

3. Help — my biglaw group is doing a weekend wine tour and dinner at a partner’s house at the end of the year. I’m thinking new dark wash jeans, cashmere sweater, booties. Does this sound about right? Or should I go a touch more formal? If so, how?

   1. I’d add a third piece — jacket, scarf, maybe a statement necklace. Something a little more festive than just jeans and a sweater.

      1. +1 SA speaks the truth.

   2. Outfit sounds good – just make sure your socks are cute, clean, and no holes, in case they make you take the booties off at the partner’s house! I agree too that some nice jewelry helps bridge the casual/festive gap.

      1. This is great advice. And make sure the booties aren’t the “statement piece” of the outfit. I once had to endure a cocktail party while displaying a grungy, out of date pedicure and wearing a boring sweater and jeans because the shoes I was wearing were the “fun” part of the outfit, but had to be left by the door.

         1. Ugh. . . party hosters, please stop making your guests take off their shoes.

            1. Are you going to help pay for repairs to my wooden floors if your shoes ruin them?

            2. Honestly, if you are that concerned about your floors/rugs/furniture, do not have people over. If you live where everyone wears snow boots, in my opinion it’s fine to assume they will not wear snow boots in your house. Those are not indoor appropriate shoes. If you live somewhere were regular shoes are appropriate, unless it’s a cultural thing, I assume I will be able to wear my shoes at a party. End stop.

            3. I secretly sort of love the no-shoes people, because all I ever want to do to get comfortable somewhere is take off my shoes, but I usually don’t unless it’s somewhere that I’m really comfortable because it might be weird. So I love it when I can. But, at the same time, I know that not everyone has my weird little must be barefoot quirk, and think that it’s silly and a little bit rude to force it on your guests. (unless there’s a mud issue or something)

            4. Is there no one else who doesn’t want shoes in their house because of all the gross chemicals they track in? I don’t want people bringing in snow and mud in the winter but I also don’t want them bringing in lawn fertilizer in the summer….

            5. Anon 4:00pm, I agree with Anon 4:40. . . people who do this aren’t really prepared to have people over at all. Meet at a restaurant.

               PS I have wood floors all over my house, wear stilettos regularly (and am overweight!), and have never hurt the floors.

            6. This is a such a funny regional thing to me. I’m Canadian and I’ve basically never worn shoes indoors. Here it would be so rude to do (the eight plus months of slush almost guarantee that your floor would be destroyed by the outdoors).

            7. +1 Ella. I am Canadian too and on the rare occasion someone has the audacity to wear shoes in my home they are never invited back. Homes should be clean, shoes are not clean.

         2. Ugh I hate this! I’m not taking off any of my clothes at your house! I don’t show you my other clothes made to be worn under things, and I’m not showing you my socks.

            1. If only people were polite and didn’t wipe their dirty, wet shoes on my clean carpets, and my clean floors, my unwashable couch …..

               People are careless in other people’s homes. Especially when alcohol is involved.

               I live in snow country.

            2. Why are you having these people in your house? Disinvite!

            3. In the winter I wear boots to take off at the door, and party shoes to put on for the party. Since they’re beautiful and clean, I assume I’m fine to wear them. Folks who are truly concerned about marks on their floors from guests’ shoes shouldn’t have chosen hardwood flooring.

         3. I guess I didn’t realize this was so regional – I can count on one hand the amount of times I’ve actually worn my shoes in someone’s home. Maybe it’s a function of the gross Canadian winters but I don’t know anyone who keeps their shoes on at home.

            1. I think it is regional, and also cultural, but especially situational. Formal evening party with your coworkers? Nah, I’m not removing my shoes and it’s rude to ask- clean your house after we leave. Casual thing with friends? Sure whatever.

            2. I think it depends on the event. I feel differently if I’m hanging out at my bff’s house than if I’m invited to a party. (Although, I also bring slippers/ballet flats to change into at my friends’ houses who require shoes off)

            3. Yes, yes princess…….

            4. It’s pretty common in America, too, at least in the Northeast.

            5. It’s the norm in the Bay Area, California despite nice weather year round. Maybe because it is traditional in Asian cultures to remove shoes?

            6. I have lived in the Bay Area for 30 years and I don’t find the practice common here.

            7. I grew up in the Midwest, lived in CA and now am in London and most people like shoes off. Whenever I go to to someone’s house just in case I bring a pair of thick cosy wool socks or my slippers with me. I get chilly easily so barefoot just doesn’t cut it. I also bring socks and slippers to movie theaters and to the airport haha. I like comfort!

            8. Bay Area – I grew up in an Eastern European household and we were shoes off. Same with all my Eastern European relatives I visited.
               I still never wear shoes in my house. My husband however generally keeps his shoes on, even though I’ve asked him not too! I don’t request guests to take theirs off, but do have guest slippers available.

            9. Growing up in Russia, it was unheard of to keep your shoes on past the entryway. The only people walking inside with their shoes on were the plumber or burglars. That said, we had a stash of slippers available to guests so they don’t freeze their feet. What’s up with lack of guest slippers in no-shoe homes? And what’s up with lack of a place to sit to take the shoes of? Both seem like an obvious courtesy. Still annoyed at being very pregnant, teetering at the top of the outside stairs of a San Francisco home, trying to maintain my balance enough to pull off my boots before entering, and then freezing off my feet during the lengthy visit (no feet on the couch – although the cat is allowed).

               That said, I’m now married to an American and have dogs. I just have lots of washable outdoor rugs on the first floor. My floors look great and my stress level on the issue non-existent. Then again, the weather in Seattle beats the heck out of Siberia.

         4. I think it’s bad to spring no-shoes on people. I expect it in Hawaii. I don’t expect it in Texas. If you are a host, say no-shoes if you mean to have people take them off.

         5. Did that really ruin the party for you, though? Not being able to wear shoes inside?

            1. I have really messed up feet from ballet/pointe. I’m not comfortable barefoot at parties, and most outfits don’t really accommodate socks/slippers (dresses? skirts?)

            2. Girl, I get that you might feel self-conscious, but to let it ruin your night is bananas. It’s like not wanting to socialize because you think you’re too fat. Unless you’re going to a party for foot fetishes, no one cares.

         6. I can’t stand this too. I understand if it’s muddy outside and someone has wall to wall carpeting but don’t get it when they have tile or wood floors that can be mopped.

            1. I live in the SE US where we have a lot of wood-floored houses and pretty mild, dry winters. I would be surprised if asked to remove shoes and wouldn’t expect it. I wouldn’t want to be in bare feet on floors, so I wouldn’t ever pack for that (I would be OK if I had thick socks on, but probably would want to be slipping around in just tights).

               I know who is no-shoes though b/c they usually say so (and have a slipper basket and/or heavy socks by the door). That is the best thing a host can do: announce in advance and have a fall-back for people.

               In other parts of the country, I’d expect it (or would be wearing heavy boots with socks with something to change into anyway) and would pack for changing (if not all the way to going sans shoes).

               Are the no-shoe people *generally* OK with indoor shoes / slippers inside or is it sock-only? This I do not know. At home, I wear crocs inside b/c they are cushy and I don’t feel so icky when I step on a crumb / something wet (ewww bathrooms) in bare feet.

         7. Wow, way to be racist.

            1. Oh please. Several people have acknowledged cultural sensitivities here.

      2. Make sure you wear FLEECE TIGHTS so that if you have to take off your shoes, your feet will be warm! Because it is rude to make you have cold feet. But it is also rude to track snow and ice and dirt onto someone’s floor. Conundrum.

         Just don’t put your shoes into your BIRKIN or everyone will think you are terribly snobby and rich and don’t really need the job.

         Also you MUST drink some alcohol, but not too much alcohol, and certainly the RIGHT kind of alcohol. Unless you a pregnant. But we all know anyway.

         And MAYBE you should bring a hostess gift, so you aren’t rude. But maybe it is rude and silly and inconvenient to bring one because hosting dinners is part of their job! I don’t know.

         Does that cover everything?

         1. You must be angry.

         2. This comment is the highlight of my afternoon. Thank you for making 3:54 a little brighter :)

            (And I say this with love and as someone who has been reading this webs*te for like…four years at this point.)

            1. +1

         3. But I have a REALLY BIG engagement ring. Seriously it’s really gigantic. Should I wear it because everyone I know has a larger one, or would that be rude?

      3. Yeah as someone who wears an orthotic, no shoe rules are the worst. I am not comfortae walking barefoot. And you probably don’t want to see my foot deformity any more than I want to show it to you.

         Having a no shoe rule is fine for your household members but it needs to end at inviting people over. It’s valuing things over people and if you feel that way, you shouldn’t be hosting.

         1. I’m in Seattle and know several people who do this for parties (mainly SE Asian) and I don’t like it but I always take my shoes off. Usually the hostess does give people the option not to but that feels weird to be one of 2-3 people with shoes on. The reason I don’t like it is because my feet need arch support if I’m going to stand for 3-4 hours and because I slip on hardwood floors if I wear socks and don’t have shoes on. I don’t like the look of slippers and don’t want to buy a pair just for one event.

4. My contract will be up for renewal at the end of the year, and I’d really like to discuss the possibility of a raise with my manager. But I’ve never done this before. I’m going to focus on how my role has grown since I started working here last April (so, about a year and a half), and that I’ve taken on a few responsibilities in the last year, hourly rate should be adjusted to reflect that. I feel like she’ll at least be open to it, and if she says no, it’ll at least open the door to figuring out how I can grow my role enough to warrant a pay raise. Any advice on this? Any advice on getting up the nerve to bring this up?

   1. I think you highlight the stuff you’ve done well & the stuff you plan on doing in the next year, and just ask.
      Practice with a friend (& get feedback) until you feel comfortable. Re-iterate that you love your job and you are looking to grow within the company.
      If she says no, say that you’d like to discuss why & see if she’d be open to working with you to make a plan and discussing the raise/promotion at a future specific date (6 months or 1 yr is appropriate).
      Ramit Sethi has a great online vids on youtube on how to phrase things & present yourself that I’ve used many times to great success.
      And finally, if you get the sense that this isn’t going to work out, and your boss isn’t open to helping you, make your own list of goals to accomplish at this job, do that for the next 6 months to a year, then apply to a different job & ask for more money. :)

   2. Good advice already.

      I’d add that if the response is a soft ‘no’ or non-committal (‘well, let me see what I can do’), but you like your job, than give it a full year (until the next review).

5. The social worker in charge of our possible adoption (!!!!) said she’d call in an hour. That was 3 hours ago. I cannot focus on anything and just keep staring at my phone.

   1. Woo hoo!! Hope it’s good news!

   2. So exciting! Sending happy vibes!

   3. Yay!!!! Crossing my fingers for you! And make sure to treat yo-self. :)

   4. Best of luck to you. Hope she calls soon.

6. Looking for advice on how to pack clothes and shoes for an international move to another continent. Also there are some books and collection of CDs I’m doing this on my own so have to think of being cost effective.. The stuff I have is too much to fit into the 2 suitcases that most airlines allow one to carry. I’m already purging some things to lighten the load but it feels overwhelming.

   1. It will be so much cheaper to pay for extra bags to bring with you than to ship boxes. You will have a personal bag (purse), carry on, and two bags and you could pay for a 3rd depending on your airline. How long are you moving for? Are you going to be going back at all in the next few months to take things over slowly? If you plan on returning in 3 years I would not move CDs or Books. Leave those with someone you trust- its not worth it. Get a library card in your new country. Large wheeling duffels are the best to pack in. Fill them with your clothes. Put your HEAVY HEAVY stuff in your carry on and in your personal bag.

   2. Having done this my advice is to purge more. No books, no CDs… Go electronic. Pare your wardrobe down to the essential. You will shop more wherever you go to fit into the local style, so you might as well be minimal.

      Focus on what you love that you might not find there. I’m very particular with bras, swim wear, and jeans, so that all had to come. Sweaters I am more flexible with, so I only brought a few. The same logic for toiletries.

   3. Agree about going digital with books and CDs. Books especially are bulky and heavy and airlines are sticklers about the maximum weight per suitcase. If you must bring the CDs, transfer the discs to a soft-sided carrier like this: http://www.amazon.com/Case-Logic-DVDW-64-Capacity-Classic/dp/B00005ATMC/ref=pd_sim_23_2?ie=UTF8&refRID=1ZZ4JGE2DNX2PMEBB7CP&dpID=41SiYrut3JL&dpSrc=sims&preST=_AC_UL160_SR88%2C160_
      The original packaging is very bulky. In my experience, the cheapest way to send things overseas is by ship. It can take a few months for the items to arrive and packages do get lost so I would not send anything meaningful that way.

   4. For clothes, roll them instead of folding and use the vacuum suction bags.

   5. What are CDs?

      1. I think it’s the place rich people keep their emergency funds.

         But what are emergency funds?

      2. I must be getting old because I was shocked and appalled to learn that most new laptops don’t come with CD drives. I was all ready to upgrade my laptop but now I’m holding on to it until it stops working. (And yes I realize I can get an external drive, but it’s not the same!)

   6. I’ve moved to London and back twice. I would think very carefully about what you need and what you want to place in storage. And if your move is really intended to be permanent, nothing should be left in storage–you should pare your possessions WAY down. Really, only bring stuff that’s very versatile and useful, almost as if you are packing for a trip. Try not to have duplicate anything–you don’t need say, three heavyweight sweaters–bring one. For things that are not that special (socks, undies, most toiletries) consider it a fun adventure to try new brands in your new country. For shoes, focus on basics and realize that you can likely shop when you get there. My only caveat to this advice would be to think about the size of the people in your destination–I am 5’11”, and I can’t really shop much for women’s clothing in Asia, for instance, so bear this in mind.

      Do not bring your prized CD collection or your irreplaceable photo albums. Stuff gets lost. If there’s anything that you would be excessively sad over losing, it should go in your carry ons.

      Also, call the airline in advance and tell them you will be checking excess bags and ask how many you can bring. (Story time–I have turned on the waterworks at the BA counter to get more bags on a flight when I’m moving. It worked.) It is MUCH cheaper and safer to do this than to ship, as others have mentioned. Most airlines will allow up to four checked bags (in addition to intl carry-on rules), but, as others have mentioned, they will be sticklers about weight and size. Also consider that if you are having friends or family visit in the next six months or so, that they could check an excess bag or two (and you pay), so you could get more stuff to your destination that you don’t need right away.

      If you are working at a firm, see if there’s a way you can stealthily interoffice stuff. If you have friends that work at firms at your destination, see if there’s away you can send stuff to them such that their firm will interoffice it.

   7. Rip all of your cds and get a kindle. When you pack clothing, use compression bags and get rid of anything you don’t love or need.

   8. If you’re doing this with enough lead time, shipping it non-air freight (i.e., on an actual ship) isn’t too horribly expensive. I did this with all my heavy books when I moved back from Asia. It took something like 6 weeks to arrive, and I used FedEx.

7. I have been hating on my job a lot lately–I’ve been super overextended, stressed, and there’s been several unusual situations that have all happened in a few months. But I need to fill out my self-assessment today and thought of all the many proud things I can put and say “yes, I am damn good at my job, especially considering the things I’ve been asked to do”. So that made me kind of happy, even if I haven’t loved the job much lately. Just wanted to put that out to the universe to balance out some of the complaints. :)

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