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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 173 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s TPS Report: Skater Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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Adrianna Papell Skater DressOur daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I know a lot of readers love this Adrianna Papell dress, so I was intrigued to see some of the brand's designs on steep discounts at 6PM. The pictured dress is 80% off, with several sizes left, too. I like the faux leather details at the collar and arm holes, as well as the sweater trim on the sides of the dress. It was $159, but is currently marked to $31 (!). Happy Friday! Adrianna Papell Skater Dress Two plus-size options are here and here. Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-5)

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Comments

  1. Runner 5

    I wouldn’t wear it to work, but that looks like an excellent ‘Little Black Dress’ for going out.

    • Shopaholic

      Really? Can I ask why? I would probably wear a sweater or blazer over it but it looks perfectly work appropriate to me so just wondering if I’m missing something!

      • eneralds

        Agree. This is 100% work-appropriate in my book. Would never wear this as a going-out dress unless it was for a work-related event or something I didn’t have time to change for. YMMV.

      • Cat

        I wouldn’t call it work-INappropriate, but the swingy skirt means I’d wear it on desk days, not Professional Gravitas days.

      • Runner 5

        It would be too short on me, would probably show my curves more than I want to at work, and I’d always worry that I’d have straps hanging out – there’s a lot of shoulder out there.

    • Anonymous

      It’s a knee length high necked dress- I’d absolutely wear it to work!

    • anonacademic

      Something about the swingy skirt – which are flattering on my hourglass, large bottom figure – doesn’t seem work appropriate on ME. I find myself gravitating toward this silhouette a lot (probably because it is guaranteed to fit!) but I end up not wearing the items much because I feel like it doesn’t give me the professional gravitas I need.

      I’m thinking specifically of a 1-2 year old suiting skirt from J Crew that I love but never wear because I feel like it makes me look too…I don’t know…young? feminine?

      • Runner 5

        I think the swingy skirt might have something to do with it. I do have a couple of swingy skirts which I do wear for work, but they’re a lot more structured than this appears to be and I wear them with my more structured tops and mannish brogues.

  2. anon

    Has anyone been in a situation where they’re the only person in their office who really does any work and then is asked to share or even give credit to others who could have actually worked on the thing or come up with the idea, but didn’t (largely due to laziness)?

    • BeenThatGuy

      Of course. Sadly, no one told us that the working world was just like being in grade school. Sometimes, you do all the work on a project and get only some, or none, of the credit. Certainly frustrating.

      • anon

        Well, I guess I should have added: how do you protect your own interests while still being a team player?

        • TBK

          Do what you’re asked to do, but be honest (not snarky) when talking about the work. For example, don’t say “we” did X, Y, and Z, but “I.” If you’re expressly asked to put someone’s name on something, you might have to just suck it up, but you might be able to say “Do you think Jim would be comfortable having his name on this? I’m not sure any of it is really his, so in his position, I’m not sure I’d want my name on something unless I’d had some control over its creation.” That is, assuming, you’ve already tried or already know it won’t be taken well if you say (with honest interest and not snarkily) “I’m not sure I understand the rationale for putting Jim’s name on it since it’s not really something he worked on.”

    • Ellen

      Yay! Freuegel Friday’s! I love Fruegel Friday’s and this black dress, Kat, but I would l9ose the faux leather pieces– that is why it is so cheep. They can’t sell me on the FAUX! FOOEY!

      As for the OP, tell me about it! I am that person! I do all the work, but must share credit with the manageing partner, who take’s credit with the cleint’s. I don’t care b/c I am NOT about to go out on my own with those cleint’s but still, he sits in his chair, watche’s me work, then tell’s the cleint’s he is all over the work when he just watches me work (while farting in his new chair!). But so what? I am makeing a great salary + partnership draw + partnership 401K plus all of the status I get by being abel to tell peeople I am a partner at a boutique NYC WC firm. I also have a nice apartement that DAD paid for and manages my finance’s so as to allow me to spend all of my legal time on being a lawyer, duly admitted to NYS courts and abel to practise PRO HACK VICE on a case in Pittsburg, thaank’s to a alwyer who stood up for me there. YAY!

      So OP, do NOT fret to much, b/c you have a job. Now, like me, you ONLEY need a husband and you will have it all! YAY!!!!

    • anonacademic

      This is the story of my life. In my world (ideally) this is a good way to get people to do the same to you (I’m thinking publications with shared authorship).

      In the regular working world, I think this could work too as you get known for someone who is generous with the credit. I always find it interesting that the people who people love working with are those who always say how GREAT! AWESOME! MOTIVATED! their teams are. It becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy in a lot of cases, I think – people want to live up to the labels. So I would say – make sure it’s clear that you led the effort (“I have an amazing team who really pulled together to make this happen.”).

  3. IUDs?

    I know there is a small cohort of women here who have IUDs…

    I just got mine placed in July. have had one “period” since then. Last night while working out, I started feeling a pinching pain in my cervix. I checked the strings when I got home and it seems good to go. But the pain just started at my desk again. Debating if I call my OB? Or give it a few days to pass? Not in a relationship ATM, so not worried about failed contraception.

    • BeenThatGuy

      Call your OB. It could be travelling, even if you feel the string. Have an ultrasound just to be sure. You definitely don’t want to have to deal with it moving an implanting into your uterus! Sounds awful. Good luck!

    • Anonymous

      Yes I’d call! Better safe than sorry. I know someone who had it implant in her uterus and it’s not something you want (obviously).

      • IUDs?

        Blegh, okay. Called the office and they want me to come in and see my doctor. Hate to take the leave, but would also hate to have it surgically removed from my uterus…

    • Anonymous

      I have one, but not the hormonal kind. I would just throw on a heating pad and check for bleeding and/or your strings.

      It could be adjusting, and causing the minor cramping. It’s not unusual for me to get minor cramping occasionally.

      • copper IUD

        me too, I occasionally get a pinch or something, especially working out.

    • Need to Improve

      Go see your doctor. Mine eventually made its way out. My body expelled it through the cervix. Not fun! Nip it in the bud now.

      • IUDs?

        Oh, god, that sounds awful. If I have to have it removed that’s one thing and fine, but I’d rather my doctor just yank it!

    • Anonymous

      It’s normal to get a weird cervix cramp every now and then, I have had a few, but for peace of mind visit the doctor. If you take some Ibuprofen (400-800 mg), it should go away.

    • KateMiddletown

      I agree, call, but to balance out the horror stories, I’ve had one in (Mirena) for almost 3 years now and love it.

    • EmpressBren

      Hello, I’m on my 2nd iud, both Mirena and work in health care liability. So, let me say, first of all: good that you made the call if you were concerned.

      Second, for about the first 8-9 months of iud number 1 I had what I referred to as pains of “it trying to leave my body via the front” they were small and spastic bouts of pain, but woo boy. Nothing was ever wrong and I’m a happy camper with zero periods and a good deal fewer migraines as a result.

      So, it isn’t always a complication. Sometimes your body is just adjusting.

  4. Pacific coast highway

    We’re doing a 4day trip driving down the PCH from SF to LA…any tips/must sees? Where should we stop along the way? Also planning on a day trip to Napa/Sonoma…which wineries have you guys enjoyed?

    TIA!

    • Anonymous

      Castello di Amorosa was my favorite winery in Napa. Definitely do a tour there!

    • Anonymous

      Big Sur is #1 must-see between SF and LA. I also enjoy Carmel and Santa Barbara.

      • Batgirl

        +1, absolutely gorgeous. We spent a good three days there hiking. Be prepared to lose cell phone (and its GPS functions) when you get there, though! Carmel was cute but not for more than a half-day to a day, in my opinion.

        • Batgirl

          Also, Big Sur is really expensive compared to other areas on the coast. We stayed at Glen Oaks Big Sur –in a hotel room, not a cabin, and it was great. One of the more affordable options (but still not that cheap).

    • LondonLeisureYear

      Look at the website for Sunset magazine – they have tons of roadtrip suggestions for that stretch. Bring lots of layers! It might be really cold and windy at times!

      Santa Cruz:
      If you drive through Santa Cruz – Stop at Penny Ice Creamery – SO GOOD!

      Big Sur:
      If you are still looking for a place to stay I loved staying in a yurt in Big Sur: http://www.treebonesresort.com/
      Dinner at Big Sur Bakery is really nice. I did not really enjoy Nepenthe.
      Do not miss Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park (with the McWay Falls) and Pfeiffer Beach has purple sand.

      Carmel:
      Point Lobos and 17 mile drive are great in Carmel.

      Monterey
      I don’t think whale watching is worth it in Monterey is worth it. If the weather is at all nice kayaking in the bay is amazing. The Aquarium is good – so if weather is not 100% great its worth going. Its super busy on the weekends though so it also depends on what day you would be going through that area. I really like Happy Girl Kitchen in Monterey for a healthy and delicious lunch or breakfast.

      • Anonymous

        With the warm water, a lot of whales, and whales you don’t normally see, are on the area right now. This year is one where it may be a good option to go whale watching.

        • LondonLeisureYear

          Okay thats good to know! But bring stuff in case you get sea sick. I was the only one on our boat of 30 that wasn’t barfing or totally green.

    • Need to Improve

      Bella is the best winery for hanging out. They have a lawn with big picnic mats, hula hoops, bean bag toss games, picnic tables and music. You can wine taste, buy a bottle, open it up, sit on the lawn, and enjoy a beautiful day. One of my favorite things to do!

      I would go to Big Sur. Esalen is a quintessential Northern Cal experience. Hot tubs on the cliffs overlooking the ocean. It’s stunning.

    • Anonymous

      For a day trip, it’s difficult to see both the Napa side and the Sonoma side, so I’d pick one or the other. For wineries, I’d choose where to go based on which wines I like best — I’m not a huge Cabernet drinker and I don’t like Chardonnay, so I go to the Russian River Valley and Dry Creek Valley (Pinot and Zinfandel) instead of going to Napa. On the Napa side, there are some gorgeous wineries with great wines at the north end of the valley, near Calistoga: Schramsberg (sparkling); Chateau Montelena; Twomey. I think Shafer is the one up there that has a gondola, so that might be fun too.

      • Anonymous

        Actually, it’s Sterling, not Shafer, that has the gondola. But Shafer is nearby and has very good wine too….

      • KinCA

        I echo the suggestion to pick a side – Napa or Sonoma. I’d suggest Napa, if you only have a day. Stop for lunch at Farmstead in St. Helena or Bouchon in Yountville. For wineries, I like Mumm (sparkling wine & great views), Beringer Vineyards (beautiful historic property), Frank Family (my favorite chardonnay), Silver Oka, and Hall – none of these wineries require appointments, so you can just drop in and taste.

        If you want to make appointments and do the smaller, more boutique winery experience, two of our favorites are Bremer Family & Cade.

        • Anonymous

          Seconding Frank Family and Silver Oak, esp. if you like Cabernet. Stag’s Leap Wine Cellars is another great Cab place along Silverado Trail towards the southern end. Redd and Redd Wood both have great food in that area too — agree with Bouchon and would add Ad Hoc for consideration as well….

    • anonacademic

      +1 million to Monterey, Carmel, Point Lobos

      San Luis Obispo if you are going to be going through on a Thursday – their “farmer’s market” is a huge, fun festival with amazing food and little bands on every corner.

      Paso Robles (a little off the PCH but worth it – a lot less pretentious than Napa but still awesome wines and very laid back)

    • Jen

      Julia Pfeiffer Burns State Park in the Big Sur area! McWay Falls are not to be missed. The Carmel-Big Sur area drive is one of my favorites in the world.

  5. KC

    Thoughts on probiotics? I can never do Activa as it’s a little harsh on my stomach. Right now I’m trying Kevita, I’ve drank Kombucha before (I like the taste). I’m one of those people that likes trying trendy new health things. Have probiotics remarkably improved anyones life? The only “health problem” I struggle with is migraines, which are pretty under control (as much as they can be) with medication and lifestyle adjustments.

    • Anonymous

      I think maybe they can be helpful to people who have GI issues or were recently on antibiotics (which can cause GI issues) I eat a bit of yogurt and stinky cheese and figure I get enough microorganisms to have the healthy ones inside me. Not sure why it’s so trendy right now.

    • Amelia Earhart

      I was on strong antibiotics for almost six months, which really messed with my GI. I bought some generic probiotics at Rite Aid and it helped immensely. I stopped taking them but I eat Activia greek yogurt and drink kombucha regularly so I figure it’s fine.

    • labneh

      I like yogurt. Try drinking kefir or eating Labneh (kefir cheese), eat yogurt, etc. There’s no reason to buy supplements if you can incorporate it in your diet.

    • Pretty Primadonna

      I have tummy isuses and I take Pearls Probiotics. It has changed my life in terms of no more bloating, gassy tummy, etc. Those and kefir have been the only things to have any major impact for me.

    • Anonymous

      So, you don’t have any of the health problems probiotics are good for. Knock yourself out trying them but no, they aren’t going to somehow magically improve your life.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve started eating a spoonful of raw, unheated sauerkraut every day. Supposed to help with anxiety. I noticed an improvement right away with one brand in particular. Could be placebo but given my high levels of anxiety, it felt pretty remarkable.

    • soanon

      So, I’ve been taking the store brand version of the Rephresh probiotics about 4 times a week. They aren’t as harsh on my stomach as some of the other brands I’ve tried. They also work as promised on minimizing that not so fresh issue that seemed to pop up a few days a month.

    • Bonnie

      I take a probiotic supplement every day and it has been great for me; especially helped with lactose intolerance. That being said, it doesn’t sound like you need them. You shouldn’t mess with your health in order to be trendy. For your migraines, look into taking a magnesium supplement. Studies have shown that they help decrease migraine attacks and have done so for me.

      • Midwest Mama

        I’ve been taking a daily probiotic for almost a month now after finally seeing my dr for stomach issues. I know I don’t do well with lactose and she diagnosed me with IBS (due to gassiness, bloating, mild cramping, etc) and have been feeling much better since the probiotics, even able to tolerate some dairy. But like Bonnie said, if you’re not having any GI issues, I’m not sure you will see any noticeable differences, although I read an article earlier this week that said probiotics can help you keep you from getting colds this winter. So there’s that, I guess.

  6. Success stories?

    I’m turning 35 next week. My husband and I have been TTC for about 7 months. I know it is still a little early to be too worried, but I’m getting a bit concerned. Trouble is, my insurance is TERRIBLE (and will be for the next 8 months- i.e. nothing related to fertility is covered). I guess I’m hoping to hear success stories from women who were in a similar situation – and had success after this length of time? It is difficult to have something I can’t control just by “trying harder!” Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      If having a biological child is very important to you and you can afford it, I would go to a fertility doctor now. I believe my OB/GYN will see if you after 6 months of TTC if you are 35 or older. I’m not trying to scare you but I don’t think the lack of insurance coverage is a great reason to put off medical intervention (are you even sure you will have fertility coverage in 8 months? Because if you’re not 100% sure, you could be sitting around wasting time for nothing…)

      • ace

        I was going to say the same thing — I believe the new guidance is to NOT wait it out for a year if you’re over 35.

      • Scarlett

        I wouldn’t wait, 35 is a pretty typical time to need some help. You might not need full blown IVF yet, there are other steps to try first that are less expensive. That said, insurance rarely covers infertility to the extent that it can really cost (many friends spent close to 100K and “good” insurance was around 10K of that). The younger you start trying to solve the issue, the higher chance of success. And you also should get informed on the expenses as you may need to either financially plan or make hard decisions. Good luck.

      • Tunnel

        Do you have a regular period? Are you using Ovulation Predictor Kits ? Are you taking your basal body temperature? I personally would not stress yet unless you are doing these things to ensure that you are having sex at the the right time to get pregnant. If you are doing these things and having sex during the small window of opportunity, then I would see a specialist sooner than later. PS- I recommend the Fertility Friend App for tracking and general helpful information and the Wondfo ovulation strips from Amazon for cheap but accurate OPKs that allow you to use more than one a day guilt free. Good luck.

        • profmama

          Definitely get & use ovulation predictor kits, take your morning temp, and read Taking Charge of your Fertility. These tools will help you figure out when you’re most fertile (it’s not always mid-month) so you can time your Garden Parties to be most effective.

          I got pregnant, naturally, over 40, after about 15 mos. of trying. My lovely daughter is now in preschool/

    • Anonymous

      For some reason – no idea why – my comment seems to be in moderation. I said that I think the general rule is medical intervention after 6 months of TTC if you’re 35 and up, and if you can afford it and having your own child is important to you I would advise you to go to the doctor now. Lack of insurance doesn’t seem to me like a very good reason to put it off, unless you’re 100% sure that you will have coverage in 8 months (and even then it seems risky and I’d go now if you have the money).

    • NYC

      Hi,

      I’m sorry you’re going through this– I just went through trying for seven months also. It’s not a long time in the scheme of things, but it sure felt long to me, especially with a couple of chem. pregnancies thrown in. I assume you’ve already read TCOYF? I would also recommend the Impatient Woman’s Guide to Getting Pregnant. I was about to try some of the recommendations from that book (e.g., the Clear Blue Easy monitor), when I ended up getting pregnant anyway.

      Good luck, and I hope you are getting support from your husband, and from anyone else you choose to tell.

    • KC

      It’s not too early to be concerned, you’ll be 35 and trying for over 6 months. That’s when it’s time to go to the OBGYN. It could be nothing, it could be an easy fix, or it could be something. Have you been charting cycles, using ovulation predictors, etc….? I just talked to my doctor and she said she sees a lot of patients who are “trying” (i.e. having sex without protection) but really they’re not having sex on the right days of the month or tracking their ovulation.

    • Need to Improve

      This is hard because you are likely fine. Look at stats on how long it takes to conceive at 35. You are well in normal range. That may be true intellectually, but of course you are anxious. I was a wreck when TTC with my first because I was convinced I had every possible ailment–PCOS, etc. In the end it just needed some time. With my second, on the other hand, I was over 35 and got pregnant in one try. So it truly can be random.

      As for what you can do, you should still talk to your OB now. There is a difference between a fertility treatment like IVF–which is extremely expensive–and some of the other things they can do, like ultrasounds to check your uterus, a sperm motility test, checking hormone levels, etc. One may be covered but not the other. Figure out what exactly you have.

      I am not going to tell you “try not to stress” because when people said that to me I hated it. But do your best to distract yourself and stay away from online fertility forums!

      • Success stories?

        Thanks all for the comments and advice. I have been charting and using strips and everything seems normal. I will have great fertility insurance in 8 months (new job starting then), but I should at least talk to my OB/Gyn now. Thank you!

        • Anon

          I would actually recommend talking to a reproductive endocrinologist to get a work up rather than an OB. In my (unfortunately too long and winding) experience, OBs know very little about fertility (oddly enough). Occasionally, their recommendations are actually misinformed and counterproductive. Testing from an RE is very likely covered (or at least a portion of it) under most plans, so it doesn’t really matter if you have infertility coverage yet.

          • Batgirl

            +1. Not to be an alarmist, but I was only 34 when I discovered (in a roundabout way) that I was going to have trouble getting pregnant. When we started trying at 35, I wouldn’t have had any way of knowing that time was really of the essence and that we had to be aggressive. It still took almost a year and we ultimately got pregnant through IVF.

            It can take a few months to get an appointment with a good reproductive endocrinologist and they may just point you in the right direction for when you’re ready to go back (if that’s in 8 months). Or you may opt to do some low-cost interventions in the mean time if it makes sense. They may just tell you to keep trying, but I would definitely try to find out if there’s a problem sooner rather than later.

            Unfortunately, I think a lot of us think that we should be fine until 40 and it’s just not the case for everyone. Some women have issues at 27…or 30…and most women’s fertility plummets a lot at 35. So while it’s definitely easy for some women who are over 35, it isn’t for others and you have no real way of knowing which camp you’re in until you try or go to a RE.

            Good luck!

          • Tunnel

            +1 to the “it can take several months to get an appointment with a good reproductive endocrinologist”.

    • Need to Improve

      oh yeah, the ovulation pee strips are what ultimately did it for me. you can get like 100 of them on amaz*n for cheap.

    • Anon for this

      You asked for success stories – it took me and H 9 months of trying to get pregnant at 32, only to miscarry but get pregnant the next time we actually tried, which resulted in a successful pregnancy and birth. So at 32, it took 14 months of trying to get a positive test that stuck. I’m not saying you shouldn’t do something (see your OB, schedule an appt with a RE) if you feel it will help you relax or if you want to, but on the other hand it seems so crazy to me that we as women beat ourselves up so much about something where the chances of success each month are only like 20%.

      • Anony

        My “success” story is nearly identical. At 32, it took us 18 months (not actively trying for the first several months). At about the one year mark, I went to a fertility doctor because I suspected I had PCOS, which I did. But all I ended up having to do was take this non-fertility drug, Metformin, which apparently regulated by insulin and hormones (I’m not diabetic). I got pregnant after one month on the medicine. We suffered an early miscarriage, but then got pregnant the next month. There are a few non-IVF fertility avenues that the doctor can try, so it might not be as costly as you suspect. Good luck.

    • POSITA

      It’s worth talking to your OB. Everything is probably fine, but you could certainly start checking the easy stuff now (e.g. sperm quality).

    • TBK

      Is it truly nothing that’s covered? Most plans cover a diagnosis of infertility even if they don’t cover the treatments (which is awesome, right? hey, you’re infertile — have a nice day!). Doing the work-up of tests takes a little while, as long as a couple of months depending on when you can get everything scheduled, so if you have coverage at least for that, it’s worth doing. If you get to a year and no luck and want to try treatment, my entirely non-medical opinion is to just jump to IVF. We had no coverage for treatment and our fertility doctor said to skip all the other stuff, which can add up to as much as a round of IVF and has a much lower success rate, and just do IVF. We were lucky and put in two embryos on the first go and voila! twins! Some clinics have a plan where you pay slightly more than the cost of one round, but they’ll do as many rounds of IVF as you want to do (so either you wind up pregnant or give up). It’s not cheap — I think the one here in DC like that charges something like $15k or $17k, and I’m not sure whether that includes the drugs (I would hope so at that rate) — but at least you don’t have to stress about coming up with more money. Good luck!

        • Batgirl

          I think the total cost of a round of IVF varies depending on geographical location and health center, though. Drugs are very expensive, though.

    • Anon

      Even if you have bad insurance regarding treatment, most likely it’ll cover at least part of the fertility testing. That knowledge can be pretty helpful. And assuming you are timing your attempts well (have you read “Taking Charge of your Fertility), 7 mos is kind of pushing it for no success. It’s also worth keeping in mind that not all interventions are very expensive. Unmedicated IUI is under $1K, which is probably comparable to the increase in insurance costs associated with a plan that covers IF.

    • Anon

      I have a success story. Tried for 3.5 years starting at age 25-26ish. Six rounds of failed clomid but the first round of the injection hormone therapy (gonadatropin with HCG trigger) worked. Insurance covered NOTHING (take that back, it covered my husband’s $60 test). I’ve never added it up, but I would estimate in the $10,000 – $15,000 range.

      Second success story. I relied on infertility as my birth control method. Six months after my son’s birth I got pregnant again. Sometimes your body just figures out what to do. As the receptionist at my OB’s office said, life is sure funny sometimes.

      Good luck and happy Friday!

    • Anonymous

      Second (third, forth?) the recommendation to read Taking Charge of Your Fertility if you haven’t already. That will tell you so much about you, and then you can consider getting a semen analysis now – those are super cheap and easy so not a burden to pay out of pocket – so you know about the other half of the equation. Another easy trick that worked for a handful of people I know is using Softcups (not for their intended purpose, but for getting/holding the sperm closer to the egg). Good luck, I know it’s frustrating.

    • Agent99

      Get your husband tested sooner rather than later. The test is pretty cheap and may be covered by insurance even though IF treatment isn’t (although ours wasn’t). My husband turned out to have almost no sp*rm, and we’re going through IVF now (we’re both in our early 30s). It was a shock but a relief to know what the problem was (we had been trying for over a year at that point).

  7. Picnic Blanket

    Looking for a nice large picnic blanket for family picnics with the kids – any suggestions?

  8. tuition?

    My job has a generous tuition benefit, one that doesn’t have to be used for position-relevant coursework. I’m using that benefit to get a degree that will enable me to completely change careers in about three years. In the meantime, I’m very dedicated to the position I have and am doing really well-respected work without letting my other plans affect my day-to-day. But if anyone looks my tuition forms, they’d soon notice that I’m working on an unrelated degree. Anyone have any advice on how to handle this?

    • ace

      “I know, isn’t our tuition benefit great? I’ve always wanted to learn more about underwater basket weaving, and with the tuition benefit, I can finally do so!”

      I think it’s going to be like when a friend of childbearing age is not drinking at an event — in most cases no one is going to openly call you on training for a new job in the moment (unless they are a big jerk), a good boss/coworker may recognize that it’s happening but not feel the need to point it out as they want you to be happy & continue to do your job, … and you’ll probably get several, “I totally suspected you were going to leave!” at your going away party.

    • Bewitched

      “I’ve always had great interest in art history, and I’m so happy that Company allows me to take night classes and pursue my interest in this subject”. End of conversation.

  9. Anon

    I need some advice on how to navigate friend groups with your SO. My SO and I both love to go out for dinner and drinks and often he invites his friends along. This is perfectly fine with me most of the time but I find I don’t have that much in common with them so often I’m just quiet while they’re talking about tech or football or something.

    My friend group has its own complicated dynamics so I feel like I can’t invite them or certain people because it causes drama with my friends. But I feel like we either never hang out with my friends and I have to make a choice between hanging out with him or hanging out with my friends. This isn’t something he’s deliberately done I don’t think, but just a by-product of the dynamics at play.

    I really want us to be able to hang out with our friends together but maybe that’s just not possible. The other thing is that most of my close friends and most of his close friends are single so if we’re all hanging out, often I’m the only girl or he’s the only guy. Any advice/thoughts?

    • Anonymous

      Time to have a casual party at your house, where you invite your friends and he invites his?

    • mascot

      Invite your friends to dinner drinks too? Does he not like hanging out with your friends? Can you not combine the friend groups?

    • LondonLeisureYear

      Have you thought of hosting something? Like a game night or movie night. Or creating an activity such as going to an apple orchard as a group or doing one of those escape the room games. That way you have a common experience that everyone can talk to and relate to. If you host it its on your turf so you can decide who to invite and the terms of the activity. Then his friends will have something to talk to you about when you later go out to dinner.

    • Bonnie

      Why don’t you make time to have dinner with your friends without your SO and let him do the same?

    • Anonymous

      Wait, you’re an adult and you seriously won’t invite a couple friends to dinner with your SO because drama, and you just sit there bored while they exclude you?

      How about just inviting who you want, and refusing to engage with any drama, and interrupting a boring exclusionary convo?

      • Anonymous

        That’s so much meaner than I intended. Obvi we all have problematic people, but you’re an adult. You have a lot more agency here than you’re giving yourself credit for. You should mind if your SO is always inviting tag alongs and then ignoring you!

    • Anon - OP

      Thanks all.

      Part of the reason I don’t want to invite some of my friends along is because they can be really embarrassing. There have been incidents where they’ve drank too much and were really aggressive with my SO’s friends which has led to some uncomfortable situations.

      But I think I’ve been too complacent so I actually invited a friend along to what we’re doing tonight. I think part of it is the way I plan my nights is totally different from the way he does so he’ll be more likely to invite a friend last minute if we end up somewhere whereas I usually only see my friends if it’s planned in advance. Maybe I need to change that.

      Thanks for the advice ladies!

  10. Anonymous

    Cranky rant time

    As an introvert, I’m really sick of people who don’t “get it.” I really try to do as much as possible, going to parties and going on dates in addition to my job and all my dance stuff, but I can’t possibly be out doing stuff with people every single night without giving myself a break, or I will break down! I haven’t taken nearly enough time to myself lately, nor have I gotten nearly enough sleep, so I’m super cranky, but when I try to explain to people that I might not go to that party because I need a break, or no, I can’t hang out right now because it’s already 10PM, I’m tired and I really just want to go to bed, they think there’s something seriously wrong with me, or they take it personally and stop talking to me, because clearly if I try to take time for salf care I’m a selfish bitch that doesn’t care about them. Like, “why don’t you just get some sleep, that works for me! I just go to bed and when I wake up I feel all better!” No, sleep time isn’t sufficient “me time.” and people who claim to be fellow introverts when that’s all they need to recharge probably aren’t introverts.

    People don’t realize, this if for their benefit too! If I push myself to go out when I’m cranky and on the edge of a meltdown, there’s a good chance I’m gonna snap and spew molten cranky all over everyone! Whereas if you let me take, I dunno, a day on the weekend or an evening to just rest (or, ideally, both!) I’ll be a much more pleasant person to be around when we do hang out.

    • anon

      Maybe you need new friends? I’m super introverted and I’d never get that kind of pressure if I said I wasn’t up for something. For family, I use work as an excuse. Could you do that?

    • Veronica Mars

      “Sorry, I’d love to hang out, but I already have plans.” Say that on repeat. You don’t have to tell them that your plans involve sitting on the couch and eating ice cream. They won’t understand, don’t try and make them unless they’re super close friends whom you value and trust.

      • January

        I agree with this. Also, it’s not clear, but are these friends of yours, or potential dates that are calling you selfish for not being willing to come out and play? In either case, you might reconsider how much time you want to spend with these people anyway.

        • Anonymous

          One is, admittedly, a guy I’m dating. He knew I had plans until 10PM last night and said to let him know if he wanted some company afterwards, and sure enough at 10:02 he’s texting me. I said I was tired and just want to go to bed, so we texted for a bit, and then before I went to bed I asked him what he’s doing on Saturday. No response. I followed up this morning proposing we have a quiet night in on Saturday night, still nothing. He’s giving me the silent treatment because I didn’t prioritize him last night.

          • LondonLeisureYear

            I am an extrovert who is a morning person and needs a ton of recharge time. My husband is a introvert who does well in the evenings. One reason our relationship works is because he knows the only way I can be so social is that I need total sit in front of a tv show or read a book recharge days. I also feel zero guilt leaving a party so I can get 8 hours of sleep and he doesn’t feel guilty staying out. I went home by myself when my wedding ended at 12:00, he stayed out at the afterparty with friends til 3:30. I wanted and needed sleep. But he still was excited to spend time with our friends, and when else was he going to have that time when everyone was in town together? We both are comfortable with this – and thats why it works. You shouldn’t date someone that doesn’t understand your energy needs.

          • Lorelei Gilmore

            What makes you describe yourself as an extrovert? I am social, enjoy people, etc., but absolutely need the recharge time — which is why I think of myself as an introvert. Just interested in how you got to the particular conclusion you did.

          • Anonymous

            Then stop dating him. Srsly. Idk if he’s giving you the silent treatment or not, but it’s perfectly reasonable not to want to be his booty call at 10pm on a school night.

          • Cat

            @LondonLeisureYear, I assume you mean that you are the introvert and your husband is the extrovert?

            @the OP, if this is typical behavior of the guy you’re seeing, I’d end it!

          • anon

            This guy’s behavior is crap, introvert or not. Call him out on it and/or break up with him depending on his reaction.

            I’m like you. I am single but date a lot, have many friends and work hard to keep my social life active. But after 4 nights in a row with people in addition to biglaw job, I get mentally/ emotionally exhausted and need downtime. I’ve actually identified that my limit is 4 nights consecutive. I am really susceptible to friends’ peer pressuring to hang out, and I hate not pleasing people/ being excluded next time because I told them straight up I wouldn’t hang out, so I’ve just instituted a policy of either not responding to vague “whatcha doin” texts until its too late to go out (I know, sort of passive aggressive, but it works) or frankly just lying and stating that I have other plans. People don’t fight you on that- they do fight you when you say you’re just tired/ maybe another night/ have to work/do errands.

          • LondonLeisureYear

            @Cat

            No haha I am totally the extrovert. 100% more social. I say 10 words for every 1 word he says. At a party I am the one working the crowd and he is off in a corner quiet. However, the only way I still enjoy being social and can be 100% at gatherings is that 1) I get enough sleep 2) I have downtime that I totally don’t interact with people.

            I love interacting with people and would go crazy without it, but need to put boundaries to be able to continue to enjoy it. If that makes sense.

          • Anonymous

            Stop second guessing yourself. Use it as a sign you’re not compatible, not that you’re an introvert and everyone just doesn’t understand your special needs. I think that anyone would think a dude acting like that was annoying.

          • anon

            Oh, I misread this- you told him to let you know if he wanted company. That’s where you need to draw the line and not over commit yourself. He shouldn’t have given you the silent treatment, but I can see why he’d be put off/hurt. But also try not to put yourself in a position where you can’t follow through or will be cranky. Be clear with people about your parameters and they will learn to start respecting them.

          • ertmeert

            Ew, silent treatment is not cute, ever. And a terrible response to your taking time for yourself.

            Sucks to hear, but maybe have a “i don’t do silent treatment, so if you have something to say, please say it and we can talk like adults. Otherwise, let’s just be friends. ”

            You deserve your re-charge time! And anyone who resents that fact, well, too bad for them.

            That being said, enjoy your weekend!

          • Cat

            @LondonLeisureYear, huh – I would have pegged you as an introvert based on the need to “recharge” with quiet time! I am also an introvert and can absolutely enjoy seeing friends and talking up a storm, etc – but agree with all the recent press that it’s not a matter of being shy/quiet, but what you need to feel restored.

          • LondonLeisureYear

            Yah if you met me in person you would 100% label me as an extrovert. However the more I talk to other extroverts – so many also need recharge time for themselves. I can be at work, teaching young children being full energetic and engaged from 7am -5pm , and then go do social stuff after work and I love it. And I can do that for every day of the week but then I will need a recharge afternoon on the weekend of just me reading a book if that makes sense. But if I don’t get sleep (which I think the OP was mentioning) all of this goes to crap.

          • Meg Murry

            It sounds to me like you already knew you weren’t going to want company at 10 pm. In the future, if you know that, just say it initially “I’ll be out late on Thursday and I’ll be exhausted after that, but let’s make plans for Saturday”

            It sounds like he was interpreting Thursday night as “she’s probably going to want to hang out with me, I better wait for her to be done at 10 pm” and you were interpreting it as “if by some miracle I’m not exhausted at 10 pm we can hang out but that doesn’t seem likely to me”. So he is reading Thursday as if you blew him off, and you are interpreting it as “what? we didn’t have plans?”

            Often people hear “maybe we can hang out Thursday” as “we’re hanging out Thursday unless something terrible goes wrong”, so they get upset when you cancel what in their might was a definite yes but was only a maybe in your mind.

            And another big +1 to not saying “I’m staying in to have some time to myself” to people who can’t take it – just tell them you already have plans.

          • LAnon

            “He’s giving me the silent treatment because I didn’t prioritize him last night.”

            No, by definition of him giving you the “silent treatment”, there’s no way to know what he’s thinking. You’re making up stories about why he’s upset. I agree with some of the other posters that he may have misunderstood about your plans for last night because you weren’t clear about whether or not you were going to spend time together.

          • Killer Kitten Heels

            With respect to friends, you’re giving them too much detail. If a friend texts me an invite to something, and I don’t want to go because I was planning a night of cereal-for-dinner and catching up on my reading (side note, everyone should be reading Nevada by Imogen Binnie right now, it’s SO. GOOD.), my response is “darn, can’t make it, maybe we could do ::alternate thing:: at ::other time::?” or “darn, can’t make it, maybe next time!” Basically, I don’t explain myself at all, and it’s never been an issue with anyone that I actually wanted to be friends with.

            (For people I don’t particularly want to be friends with but have to stay on friendly terms with for some reason ::cough::inlaws::cough I typically just lie my face off. I’m aware that’s not the most mature way to handle it, but “darn I have to work” goes over better than “sorry but I’d rather read a book.)

            With respect to the guy you’re seeing, he either gets you or he doesn’t. Survey says, he doesn’t. So I’d be looking for a different guy, not a different way to communicate your needs.

      • emeralds

        This is really it. “I’m so sorry to miss it, I already have plans! How is [other thing they care about] going?”

    • Anon

      It can be really frustrating to be friends with someone who responds to every invitation with, “Oh, I don’t know, I’ll have to see how I’m feeling… I might be tired…” That might be reality, but it sucks for your friends if you won’t commit to things and then bail at the last minute. I have sympathy for the guy mentioned above, who had to plan to be available at 10:00 PM just in case you decided you wanted to hang out. (If there was no chance you were going to want to hang out that late, you should have just said so.)

      My suggestion would be to decide how many evenings you want to go out in a week, and how late you want to stay out, and then accept invitations that fit into that and decline others. For me, I know that I never really want to socialize more than 3 nights / week, and I don’t want to be out after 9:00 or so when I have to go to work the next day.

      I have learned that once your social circle learns that, “Sounds great! I’ll be there!” means that you’ll turn up, even if just for a bit, and “Oh, sorry, I can’t that night,” means “No, and there’s no room for discussion”, you’ll feel like you have a lot more control over your schedule. You don’t have to explain to everyone that you need me time, and that they are exhausting, and that you have so much on your plate but are trying to do everything.

      • nutella

        I sympathize with the OP, but do 100% agree with this. Just say no outright or yes.

        • TBK

          Yes, absolutely. I’m an extrovert and pre-kids would have been happy going out every single night. But I totally get that people aren’t all like that and I am fine with people needing to re-charge. What I hate, though, and what will ultimately lead me to stop calling you is if you kind of maybe sort of agree to something then talk about it like you’re definitely coming, then bail at the last minute, especially if it was just the two of us going somewhere and now I’m stuck with no plans. That is not cool.

        • Anonymous

          On the flip side of this, how do you deal with extrovert friends who say yes to everything without actually considering whether they want to or intend to go? I have one friend who is usually “committed” to 3 events on the same day/night all the time. When she says yes, it’s more of a “yes, that sounds interesting” (without actually expanding with those words), so I’ve learned to not count on her. More often than not, she doesn’t follow through. And I’m fairly introverted where I need to know in advance if something is happening, so I generally assume all proposed plans with her are not actually happening and make other plans if I really want to do something, or plan me-time. But then if I am the “lucky chosen one”, she gets upset that I’m the one who stood her up, particularly if my plan is me-time (even though it would stress me out considerably to just go on the fly).

          I get that we just have different personality types so I don’t want to respond to her like her behavior is “wrong,” so what’s the best way to approach this with someone like that?

      • Anonymous

        I used to be a little frustrated with people like that back when I didn’t go out much, and the few times I tried to put things together people had a hard time committing, or bailing at the last minute. But I eventually came to realize it’s a waste of energy to be grumpy with people who do that, might as well accept that it’s a thing that happens.

        I do try to prioritize my close friends as much as possible by limiting the number of times I say “maybe,” or if I am on the fence at first I try to make a decision one way or another at least a few days before, not the last minute, and honoring commitments I do make, especially to smaller and more intimate gatherings or plans to hang out 1:1. But I can only stretch myself so thin, which is part of why I try to be forgiving of other people. I know that a lot of my friends are in the same boat as me, super busy with limited energy levels.

      • Anony

        +1 – if the roles were swapped, the situation mentioned above is something that I’ve heard many women complain about: “He said ‘maybe’ we could hang out after he had dinner with his brother… so I waited up in case he wanted to come over, but then he just texted and said he was tired, and that he was going to bed. He never commits to anything.”

        I don’t think this is about him respecting your energy needs. It’s possible that you’re focused on your energy needs (since you’re feeling rundown) and he’s maybe feeling hurt or that you don’t respect his time.

        • nutella

          Yes, I could picture the exact dude this happened to me with. Just tell me ahead of time “I can’t do anything tonight, but I’d love to make plans for lunch tomorrow” instead of “I get out at 10, I might want to hang out but I might be too tired.” I’d be inclined to give the benefit of the doubt that it’s not a straight booty call. If he doesn’t know ahead of time you are not nonstop outgoing energy or a night owl, there are plenty of people who want to go out for drinks, movie, etc. after 10pm and he may have thought you wanted to do something.

          • Anonymous

            No, I didn’t say “I might be able to hang out at 10” I said “I have a thing until 10” and he told me to let him know if I was in the mood to hang out after. Since it was a Thursday night I figured he knew there was a slim chance of that happening but wanted me to know he’d be available if I did feel like hanging out. But yes, in hindsight, I should have just said I was busy last night and wouldn’t be able to hang out, telling him I was free at 10 probably implied a possibility.

    • sad but true

      Unfortunately, many people will never understand. After years feeling misunderstood and, as you say, “sick of people who don’t get it” I have finally realized that I am the one in charge of my behavior, which includes who I allow into my life. Some extroverts have gone so far as to suggest my introversion can be “fixed.”

      Please don’t let people, especially someone you are dating, define your energy needs – only you can do that and if they don’t get it or don’t accept it, then maybe they are not the right people for you…..

    • From a Therapist

      Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking – great book. Solid observations and ideas. Good for everyone who is or loves an introvert.

  11. Anonymous

    What do people think of J Crew shoes? I like a pair of tortoise loafers they have on-line now, but they’re $238, and I’m not sure of J Crew quality.

    • anon

      I say no. I bought a pair of flats for about $95 on sale, and I think they were like 140 or so full price. They’ve lasted a fraction as long as other shoes I have bought at that price point and even a little below.

    • Cat

      I’d say the quality is average for the sale prices, and definitely not there at full price. I’m pretty sure JCrew designs everything to be sold at least 25% off, perhaps 30-40% off, given the ubiquitous weekly promos.

    • Maddie Ross

      I think the quality is hit or miss, and most are not worth the full price. That said, I look the like of them. I generally tend to try and get on sale. I think they run 1/2 to full size small.

  12. SuziStockbroker

    I am terrible at searching, clearly.

    Looking for a rec for some kind of product that helps with cracked heels. I seem to recall maybe someone posted something abot a product that was really great at peeling that stuff off. I didn’t pay attention at the time, but one of my colleagues is having a lot of trouble with her heels cracking and bleeding.

    Thank you!

    • In the Pink

      I have dry skin worsened by hypothyroidism even on meds. I am finding the electric file egg and the foot lotion from Amope to be the best yet. I have to catch up, slacking off during the summer bc it is hot here and wearing socks to bed after the lotion was just too much to bear. YMMY of course.

    • Anonymous

      You’re thinking of baby foot. You put it on and a few days (or hours?) later all the dead skin peels off. Looks gross but apparently works?

    • Anon

      Amlactin cream (recommended here) worked wonders for me. I never had bleeding issues, though which sounds pretty severe, but I did have terrible peeling and cracking. I also like the foot scrub at Body Shop.

    • Anon

      1) remove calluses through a combination of soaking and a metal rasp foot file. Sleeping with the feet coated in a lotion containing urea (wear plastic baggies over) may help soften the skin enough for removal. Use the file in an up and down motion only, never sideways which may pull on the fissures.

      2) once calluses are removed prevent new ones by religiously applying lotion to heels right out of the shower and before bed every night. Reduce or eliminate the wearing of backless shoes or shoes that slap against the heel like flip flops.

      I used to have cracked heels issue to the point of bleeding and now I do all of the above and they’re like a baby skin. I only use the file maybe once every other month now.

  13. Anonymous

    Any recs for corn mazes in Long Island? Nothing super scary and it’s a bunch of us adults planning to go – something at night time with torch lights, may be puzzles and nil to nominally scary?

    • NYC tech

      I’ve never been, but I’ve heard the Queens County Farm Museum’s maze is fun.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Depending on how far east you want to go, Harbes and Finks Farm are good options. I believe Schmidt’s (might be spelled wrong, but it’s in Melville so that should help with Googling it) also has a nighttime maze.

  14. Rogue Banker

    Minor moment of tooting my own horn –

    Boss is going on paternity leave sometime in December and has been slowly pulling back while I and one other coworker are learning to cover his duties. Yesterday was the first time I went to one of the weekly manager meetings – which is basically all the bosses from the district, as well as the district and area presidents, brainstorming How To Do Better, especially in regards to our yearly compliance audit coming up next quarter. I’d never been to one of these before, and my boss was out on PTO so I couldn’t ask what to expect. Add onto that a nasty sore throat messing with my voice, and I was more than a little nervous.

    Was told by several different people that they were very impressed with how I handled myself – one said that based on my participation, she was surprised to hear that I wasn’t already in the manager role – the coordinator/compliance manager sat down with me afterward and asked me about my career plans, and my boss said he came back today to find multiple emails from his peers and the /district manager/ saying that they were really impressed with me yesterday.

    So I’m kinda feeling pretty awesome right now, and I know bragging to anyone else is a Very Bad Idea but I needed to get that out of my system. :P

    • Lorelei Gilmore

      Children’s music CDs? (We love Laurie Berkner and Dan Zanes.). Stuffed animals that have lots of texture? Toy musical instruments? Stacking toys? Other than art or books, I think just about anything will work. And even those things probably would work but I’d want to follow the parents’ lead there.

    • Anonymous

      Maybe a musical instrument? B. Toys has a drumset that has a few little instruments inside. The sticks are probably beyond any baby, but there are little maracas and bells and things.

    • Anonymous

      Actually, I had a friend whose baby was significantly visually impaired, and she has said that with the exception of ‘plain’ books (and even then some of them because it was about being read to and snuggled to inspire the love of learning, just like with unimpaired babies – it’s not like the baby is learning anatomy based on the farm animal book), her baby needed the same toys as other babies. They might explore them in different ways, but in growing up she had to handle the same toys and world as sighted people and she was afraid her daughter would have limited toys/experiences because people wanted to over-cater to her blindness.

      That said, I gave her daughter a Fisher-Price stacking ring set with a lion on top that lights up and also rings/plays a song when the rings are on top and she played with it for well over a year, so I felt like I had a win there.

  16. Newish employee troubles

    I’m having a problem with a newish employee. She is clearly struggling with catching on to her duties and taking full ownership of issues that fall clearly within her job responsibilities. I want to be able to hand issues off to her to handle, but she’s just not very good at getting a full grasp of them in order to present to others. For example, yesterday, she presented at a meeting on a topic that I had asked her to cover with a group of people. She didn’t do a great job of explaining what was happening with a switchover to a new vendor and someone else jumped in an explained that. Then, there was a newer piece of it that I had emailed her later that was crucial to the discussion and she had clearly not even noticed that email and left it out. I didn’t want to jump in until she had finished her introduction, but my including that piece after the fact somewhat derailed how people understood it. This is sooo frustrating. When I’m there or I read what she has sent out via email, I feel like I have to jump in and add what she’s leaving out, but I feel like I look overbearing as her supervisor. I’m really worried that she’s just failing at the job. She misunderstands how she is to follow through on tasks very often and goes off track. She has some complicated personal issues that she’s dealing with that make me worry about her attention to the job. She tends to overshare about that stuff, so I’m trying to keep it professional while being empathetic. My boss thinks she is smart and capable but overwhelmed. I’m not sure about the smart part – she struggles to get some basic ideas (like how to fill out a leave request properly). I’ve tried having her write a draft of what she’ll send out, then responding to her draft, and that got bungled because she didn’t write a second draft then presented her ideas orally with all of the mistakes that I tried to correct. She is not young or inexperienced – just new to this environment. Any ideas about how to make this better?

    • LAnon

      That sounds super frustrating. How long has she been on the job? Has she shown signs of improvement?

      I hate to be a Debbie Downer, but if she’s doing as poorly as you describe, she may just been the wrong person for the job.

      The type of mistakes you describe aren’t just growing pains into a new role – I’ve had plenty of new people who present without realizing the history behind a decision, or not understanding how something fits into a bigger picture, and that’s either my fault for not catching them up, or just something that will naturally improve as they grow into the role.

      However, not reading emails, poor comprehension, not being able to communicate ideas clearly (which sounds like a core function of the job), stuff like that… seem like areas that are difficult to change unless you’re willing to devote a LOT of time and energy to being a mentor, and even then can be difficult to change.

      • OP

        Yeah, that’s what I’m afraid of – that’s she’s not the right person for the job. She’s been here since January. We’re academic, so it’s her first fall semester, which can be overwhelming. But yes, you are summing up the problem correctly – not being able to communicate ideas clearly and poor comprehension. I keep trying different ways of working with her and we’re meeting regularly, but she just doesn’t seem to be able to take a ball and run with it without making errors over and over again. I had concerns before she was hired, but I was shouted down by the search committee, who insisted that she was great and had so much experience. Being right doesn’t make me feel any better.

  17. Interview suit

    Thoughts on whether the J.Crew jacket in “bonded crepe” is an appropriate business formal interview suit, particularly the slate roof color? Links to follow.

  18. Sara

    Helpful tip for Skater Dresses. Go for a preppy look by wearing your skater skirt with a slim sweater, and cinching it all in at the waist with a skinny belt.

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