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Coffee Break: T-Lock Textured Leather Shoulder Bag

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caramel colored handbag with short strap and top flap

This bag from Toteme is not my usual fare, but I really love the slouchy but structured look of it. And it has metal feet, bestill my heart!

The bag is available in three colors at NET-A-PORTER for $1390 and has a detachable shoulder strap.

Sales of note for 3/15/25:

  • Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
  • Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
  • Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off sale
  • J.Crew – Extra 30% off women's styles + spring break styles on sale
  • J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off 3 styles + 50% off clearance
  • M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 40% off 1 item + 30% off everything else (includes markdowns, already 25% off)

228 Comments

  1. Yesterday’s post about whether to move in with boyfriend got me thinking about my own situation and I’d love to hear your thoughts. How did you know when it was right for you to live with an SO? I’m 31 and have been living alone for almost 10 years. I’ve never lived with a boyfriend. I always thought I wanted to wait until marriage to live with an SO, but lately I am thinking I may have changed my stance. Mainly because I’m 31, I started dating a wonderful man a few months ago, and I feel like this is “it.” We’ve already talked about getting married in the future, and my lease ends in August (would need to renew in June). He just bought a beautiful house and I’d love to live with him in it. It all feels right and I’m ready to move on with my life, as opposed to renewing my lease to continue living alone. His house is also 50 minutes from my apartment, so this would benefit us in that we wouldn’t have to drive so far to see each other. I’m a little scared though, seeing as I’ve never lived with a man before and I have been living alone for so long, so I know it will be a big adjustment. Nonetheless, the thought really excites me and I brought it up with him yesterday and he is all for me moving in when I am ready.

    Side note – my religious father will be absolutely furious with me, and that’s a whole other thing to deal with. I am finally in a spot where I have a good relationship with my father after some tumultuous years (teen years, college, early twenties) and I don’t want to wreck that, but I can’t let him control my life. Any stories on dealing with religious parents when moving in with an SO?

    1. If you’ve talked about getting married, is getting engaged now an option? And if so, might that make it go down easier with your parents?

      I always hate the Proposal Industrial Complex that puts it all in the hands of the man, so I might take the bull by the horns and say something like “I’d love to move in together but I feel like I want to be engaged before I do. And I feel like now is the time for both of those things. What are your thoughts about that?”

      1. Yes — with big life choices, you need to face them head-on. If you feel you can’t, listen to the voice in your head tell you why.

      2. Oh my, I did just this with a similar script! IDK if we will get married because we are
        old and there are serious $ implications at this juncture.

    2. I think it depends on what he wants. Does he want you in his beautiful new house? Does he see you getting married in 2025 or 2026, or does he have a longer timeline?

      You also don’t list convenience to your job as a factor: how will this affect your commute and other job opportunities?

      As for your father: have a script ready. It should go something like: you respect that he has his beliefs and lives up to them, but those aren’t your beliefs. I think this is a circumstance in which you ask for his toleration and not approval.

    3. I feel like your side note is the crux of your post, but the answer to both is the same. Move in when YOU and he are ready, not when it makes sense with your lease or your father. if the logistics work out, and you feel ready to cancel your lease and make a leap, go for it! If you don’t feel quite ready, leave your lease in place, and just start spending more time there. I hear you on not rocking the boat with your dad, but if you guys are not quite ready to be engaged, then agree to tell your father you are “engaged to be engaged,” and go from there.

      1. ooh, perfect articulation! Don’t let the lease dictate when you move along in your relationship; let your relationship dictate itself.

      2. This. Don’t force the issue just because somebody’s lease is up. I feel like that’s how people get in over their heads when the relationship isn’t quite there *yet*. It sounds like you’re ready. Is he? And I definitely would advise both being on the same page about what the future holds, and a rough timeline for that.

        I grew up in a religious household and my parents were definitely not in favor of living together before marriage. Being the obedient oldest kid, I didn’t (not regrets, btw). My younger three siblings all lived with their spouses before marriage. Were my parents thrilled, especially my mom? Not really, but they got over it, especially when all three got engaged to their SOs. To my knowledge, the kept the news short, simple and to the point: “Hey, I know you don’t agree with this, but we feel good about this decision and are excited to take this next step in our relationship.”

        1. Amen. If the real estate is messy now, imagine the alternative: moving in and breaking up. Go slowly into what is hard to get out of.

      3. Also, I hear you that this feels completely right, but dating for a few months isn’t that long before jumping into living with someone. So I would definitely be having the bigger conversations with your boyfriend about what you’re both wanting, long-term.

        1. Age matters a lot in this. At 21, a few months is not very much. At 31 most people have a strong sense of who they are and what they want so relationships can become serious more quickly.

        2. Yep, you should be on the same page regarding marriage and when you see yourselves getting engaged. If you don’t already, spend time together while doing your own things. Stay at his place for several days and go about your routine. If you agree on a timeline and are happy living real life with this guy (not just intentional date nights) then go for it. At 31 you don’t need to date for 2+ years before knowing it’s right.

    4. My now-husband’s roommate moved out when we’d been dating 2 years. We talked long and hard about me moving in, but ultimately decided we weren’t ready for that yet, and he got another roommate to fill the lease. The next year, we were 100% ready to move in together and got engaged another year later. YMMV, but it was 10000% the right call for us, and we would not have had as strong of a relationship if we had rushed it (fwiw, we were in our mid-20’s and he was my first boyfriend).
      I also was raised thinking I would never move in with a man until after marriage (my parents were shocked that we were taking weekend trip together and staying in the same bed). But they were able to accept that we were adults making a decision together, and have not let it affect our relationship at all.
      Also, hot tip when moving in with an SO at any stage: be able to distinguish *relationship* problems from *roommate* problems. They are very different beasts and must be worked through differently. Good luck!

    5. How to decide if you are ready: explore that reality. Have you ever been at each other’s place for 2-3 weeks? It needs to be long enough that some parts of reality cannot be put off until the visit is over. I’m talking laundry and dishes, groceries and dirty socks and their specific location. Toilet seats, overall cleanliness standards, division of labor and how you communicate about all this. After this, will you feel relieved to retreat to your own space, or does it feel kind of nice to have him around full time?
      Or you can do the ultimate stress test and live out of a cramped campervan for 6 weeks on vacation.

    6. Script I used with my mother: “This is my decision, it was made intentionally and you don’t have to agree with it.” Don’t go into the details and repeat as needed.

      1. I like this and also “it’s OK if you don’t agree with it” (followed by stopping talking). It takes the wind out of their sails a bit if you don’t engage with the argument or indicate that you’re open to negotiation. They also can’t claim to be a victim if you’ve given permission to be upset.

    7. I wouldn’t move into a home that my SO owns without a ring. I currently live with my bf and we are not engaged yet, but if we break up we both have to deal with the aftermath of rearranging our living situation since we rent together. Ultimately, you’re the one taking the risk by giving up your apartment and moving into his home, not to mention how the expenses will be split since he’s building equity that you may or may not benefit from in the future. Plus, your father may not balk at the idea of you moving in with your finance.

    8. Can you say more about the conversation with your BF yesterday? Are you on the same page about your relationship future in the near term and your longer term goals? What’s your plan if it doesn’t work out and he asks you to move out?

      DH and I moved in together before we were engaged but we had expressly discussed marriage and kids as the near future goal, and he had moved to my city so we could go from long distance to living together. We got engaged after 6 months, married a year later and then waited 4 years before we started trying for kids (which confused some people who thought marriage means you want kids immediately). Run your own race.

      For your father, you decide on a response and repeat ad nauseum. His views should not impact your decision on what is right for you: “I’m happy with this decision even if you don’t approve.” Or similar. Don’t worry about his judgment. Do what makes you feel happy and safe.

    9. We’d traveled together and stayed at each other’s places for practically a week at a time, but did not live together until we were engaged — not out of pearl-clutching but because it was part and parcel of the same realization — we want to spend our lives together.

    10. We dated for a couple months in person while I was visiting his city for an internship, then nearly a year of long distance and then I graduated and moved to be with him and just moved in with him rather than finding my own place. We moved into a rental and split the rent. We didn’t own property together until after we were legally married. Neither of us felt ready to be formally engaged at the point at which I moved (we hadn’t even been dating a year and were only 24) but we were both clear that was where the relationship was headed. We got engaged about a year after moving in together and married another year after that.

    11. I’ve been married to my husband for close to 25 years now. When we met I owned the house I had owned together with my first husband, and I had bought out his share when we divorced. My husband moved in with me when we got engaged, but it was really hard for him to give up his rent controlled apartment in San Francisco. I still wish our finances had been in a place where we could have afforded to keep both.

      In your case, though, I recommend renewing your lease because even though you’re already talking about marriage, you’re only a few months in! He just bought the house. What are you going to do? Pay half his mortgage and have no equity? You’re miles away from being there in this relationship.

          1. As other commenters posted above, a few months at 31 is more meaningful than a few months at 21. Not to mention OP stated August so it will have been longer by then too.

        2. I’m not the 6:27 poster but I don’t think I’d pay part of a man’s mortgage without my name on the deed unless we were legally married. To me that’s just a huge financial mistake regardless of how committed you are to one another. And I had no hesitation about living with guys before engagement and lived with several ex-BFs and my now-husband when we were still just dating. So yeah, for me it would be ‘miles away’ in the sense that I would never do it.

          1. Disagree – I did that with my now-husband for 3 years, which allowed him to go to school and get his bachelor’s degree. He could have done that without my financial support through rent, but it would have been tough. Most importantly, we both knew we were going to be together long-term, wanted to live together at that moment, and it had a side benefit of being mutually financially beneficial.

            It’s not all balck and white and much more about how durable your relationship feels when you make big decisions. We’ve been together for 14 years, married for 10 years. We weren’t going to be pressured, by ourselves or anyone else, to take a more serious next step until we were ready.

      2. My husband and I joke we actually got married the day he moved out of his rent controlled apartment in SF.

  2. Because I guess I live for the chaos, let’s talk about the radical things we do. I’ll start, I don’t buy anything from the river store (or other problematic mega corps like Walmart) ever, it’s meant a combination of making do, inconveniencing myself, and becoming acquainted with smaller retailers. So tell me what radical things do you do?

    2. I post stickers with QR codes to get abortion pills in anti-abortion states. I continue to say “women” and “sex” in my professional writing and personal life and I always put women’s needs first when their needs conflict with others’ wants. I bike as much as I can to reduce driving and emissions.

          1. Ironic because I literally cancelled my sustaining membership yesterday over this issue.

        2. I’m lost. Why is this radical? Is it because people are starting to use the term “pregnant people” instead? I thought that term was more inclusive.

          1. It’s not. Men can’t get pregnant. The female-only nature of pregnancy has lead to an enormous amount of pain, suffering, otherness, fear-mongering, and other sexism-based issues. Do you really think we wouldn’t have paid maternity leave in this country if men could get pregnant?

          2. It isn’t inclusion. It’s erasure. At my work, we were told (verbatim) “we want to avoid saying the word ‘woman’ as much as possible.” Erasing the ability of women to speak about their lives, including their challenges, means we cannot identify (and therefore not tackle) sexism and misogyny. I’m not OK being referred to as a “preconception person,” “birthing individual”, and “postpartum person” for the rest of time when women have spent their entire lives trying NOT to be defined by their capacity to get pregnant. Hell, one of my colleagues tried to say “breastfeeding families” just the other day, which is so creepy. She hasn’t said the word “woman” in probably six months on a project that is exclusively about women’s health.

            Woman is not a dirty word. We need and deserve a word to refer to half of the world’s population.

          3. I was really disappointed when this site used “pregnant person” a few weeks back.

          1. Thanks! I just went to Plan C pills, got stickers, and set up a reoccurring monthly donation.

    3. I know everyday little choices aren’t as impactful as regulating corporations, but I feel better doing my part. I bike or take public transport (atoning for the 2 years I spent commuting by plane), run the school uniform bank to support second hand uniforms, sit on the active travel committee at the school (and yell at the other school parents who park illegally, drive on the sidewalk, etc),and only had 1 kid.

      In my day job, I teach students about politics and focus on how we can be critical in analysing campaigns, messages, misinformation.

      1. +1000. They completely are. The female body and women’s oppression are not costume fodder.

        1. I’m actually outlining a fictional novel about this–set in a “horror drag reality show” similar to the Boulet Brothers Dragula. The idea is “who owns the horrific feminine? Do certain groups have the “right” to design costumes about horrific femininity?” It’s certainly crystalized some discomfort I’ve always had with drag–like this attitude of “ha ha aren’t female bodies funny and also kinda gross?” I’ve always struggled with the big streak of misogyny that runs through a lot of gay male culture, and drag puts a lot of it front and center.

      3. I don’t understand why. The drag performers are not saying that all women should look like them or perpetuating some sort of beauty standard. I’m just curious about this argument.

        It’s fine not to like drag performances, obviously, but I’m just curious why you think they’re misogynistic?

        1. It is a bunch of men showing women how to be more feminine and thus more of a woman. I don’t appreciate it. And if your impulse is to say “No, they are showing reverence to women,” or “expressing their own feminine side” think about why having drag queens take the frumpy girl under their wing to turn that caterpillar into a butterfly is a trope.

          1. I’ve been to a lot of drag shows and consume a lot of drag content. Never once have I seen anything indicating they are “showing women how to be more feminine.” I’m not sure that they usually even care whether women are in the audience. I also don’t think they’re showing reverence toward women. They are playing with certain gender tropes as a way to express themselves or sometimes to say something about society’s view on gender norms.

            Again, I don’t care that y’all don’t like drag shows. As long as you’re not trying to legislate them out of existence, it doesn’t matter to me one whit. I just fundamentally disagree that they’re misogynistic.

          2. You made that up. Drag shows are not to show women how to be more feminine. That’s ridiculous.

        2. It’s a mockery of female bodies when girls and women belong to an oppressed class. See the fake breasts, hips, lips, and exaggerated features in addition to stereotypically feminine clothing.

          2. It has nothing to do with the right wing. It has to do with radical feminism – “not the fun kind.”

      4. I guess my most radical decision is to not have kids (with credit to my husband as well of course).

        1. oh same! It never felt very controversial to me but you’re totally right that it is.

      5. It is such a low form of comedy. Like slapstick. In this day and age, men wearing make-up and skirts is not outrageous.

      2. I never made this decision on purpose, but it plays out in practice 90% of the time – and I’m fine with it.

        1. Same, and same. I think at least 90% of the fiction I read is written by women, without even trying. And that’s without romance novels/”chick lit”, which I don’t generally enjoy. I think women really dominate the contemporary/literary fiction scene.

    6. I take public transit which costs twice what driving would. I think that’s about as radical as not ordering from Amazon(not very), but it goes against the common wisdom of homo economicus.

      1. Haha I agree avoiding the river store isn’t that radical, I actually picked a not very radical example on purpose to avoid ruffling feathers. I do much more controversial things.

    7. I am fortunate to book speaker panels that are competitive and I go out of my way to get females and people of color and at least one person at the director level whenever I can. It makes my job harder and I’m not asked to, but I want to give a seat at the table to folks who often don’t get one as much as I can. My industry is so bad with this that a recent DEI panel (someone else arranged) had three old white dudes. And I know a director isn’t a compelling “get” to registrants, but I’m consistently rewarding with uncovering folks who can talk tactical with nuance and great examples. As someone who had to claw up to VP I honestly pray I’m making someone else’s climb easier.

      1. Thank you
        A radical thing I do is email organizers of panels with all white men and tell them that I will not be attending because I value representation and diverse voices and leadership

    8. To the extent I am able, I don’t patronize institutions run by the Catholic Church. No Catholic hospitals, no Catholic colleges or universities. If you can’t have women clergy, you can’t have my money.

      1. Do you do the same for every religion that excludes women from a religious office?

        2. The Catholic church is, as far as I know, the only religion with such an organized discrimination, which makes it very hard to understand how any government allow it to operate as a religion and receive state funding. And which makes it easy to withhold money.
          Maybe mormons are the same? How do you qualify to become a priest in the mormon church?
          What I have observed is that most other religions has practices that vary depending on the local participants. For instance the CoE as a whole has been dragging its heels on allowing women into some positions (something to do with the house of lords if I recall correctly), where as the Danish state church allow the local councils to reject women priests on the basis of their gender (still got 60+ % women clergy these days, so obviously not a very common practice), but as a whole, all positions are open to all gender. And there is no gender restrictions on getting the degree (theology) that qualify you to become priest.

      2. Texas and Florida can’t have my money. Yes, I have said no to travel to both places.

      3. I don’t understand how a government who is has signed the human rights convention can still accord a discriminating organization like the Catholic church recognition as a religion with all the benefits that entail. If I had all the time in the world I would raise a case with the ombudsmand.

    9. Radical in my Midwest town:

      Kept my maiden name
      Don’t usually wear wedding ring
      Go on trips with my friends and leave kid and DH at home
      DH does 80 percent of childcare outside of school (we both work FT)
      Kid eats whatever he wants and gets unlimited screen time

      1. Kept my maiden name, had a diamond band for my engagement ring, and we don’t have kids.

        1. I have kids but I did the other two things as well. Same ring for engagement and used as a wedding ring, band style.

      2. My husband only does ~50% of the childcare, but even that is extremely radical in my Midwest town.
        And YES on the being away from my husband and kids. I love family travel, but I also love traveling with girlfriends, with just my husband, and (most radical of all) solo. My closest friend here has never spent a single night away from her kids and they’re well into elementary school, not tiny.

          1. Yeah. She says she would “miss them too much.” I don’t think she means it to be judgy but sometimes it feels that way, since I’ve spent dozens of nights away from my kids.

        2. I haven’t spent a single night without kids in 7 years (oldest is 8), other than being in the hospital to have the other kids (and I guess I still had a kid with me then, ha!). It’s partly my anxiety, partly that my babies and toddlers are crap sleepers and I don’t want to inflict that on a grandparent. My older boys have occasionally stayed with grandparents on their own, but I’ve always had at least one kid with me/waking me up.

          I’m the poster from the other day who said my husband lets me sleep later than him every day (and fairly late on weekends). He *does* takes trips with friends and have nights away from the kids, so that’s our tradeoff!

    10. I’m a little sad that most of the things listed on this thread are “radical.”

      1. not sure why you find it surprising, we’re all mostly professional working women and the prompt is for things that we DO (not did). It stands to reason that most of the people here aren’t doing wild radical things day to day. Would you care to share your list so we can draw some inspiration?

        1. okay maybe I misread your comment, and you’re just sad that keeping maiden names and not wearing engagement rings and not having kids is considered “radical”, not that we all should be out doing more radical things…if that’s what you meant, I get it.

          2. This is how I meant it. No one should be in danger from placing stickers with QR codes to medication, and keeping one’s birth name should never even cross someone else’s radar! It just feels like we’re going to be fighting the same battles forever or something.

    11. I, like both of my parents too, have never worked in the private sector and never will. My career has mostly her been government with some time at NGOs. I work in mission based work I’m very dedicated to.

      But, I buy a lot at Walmart because that’s what I can afford :)

    12. Since you were brave enough to mention a brand name, I’l second boycotting Walmart (and Sam’s Club, even when Costco was four times as far); all the Christian- and MAGA-owned and supporting retail stores; and I will never buy any Nike products for their having sponsored Michael Vick.

      I don’t buy many prepared or junk foods, but I examine boxes carefully for whether they contain palm oil, and do not buy them, even Girl Scout cookies. The Girl Scouts are way behind on this, and it’s contrary to their stated mission.

      Combine errands, re-use, no paper towels, all the usual conserve-ing-type things.

      Agree with the avoidance of Catholic institutions as poster below (other religions don’t come into it where I am – – like, no one else owns hospitals or runs fish fries here. I would go to the J or the Jewish Women’s thrift shop.) Drag shows = not on my radar. Agree with the sterling idiocy of “pregnant people,” “chestfeeding,” etc.

      Thanks for this topic!

      1. I protested against the Kansas constitutional amendment that would have allowed our legislators to ban abortion. In college, I walked a picket line counter protesting the Summer of Mercy.

        I’m childfree and was sterilized almost 20 years ago.

        I am an advocate for single payer healthcare, as a cybersecurity measure. Most healthcare breaches are due to phishing attacks against business personnel, and if we limited the number of times they have to sign into payer sites, we could reduce the risk of being phished.

        I’m an unapologetic reader of romance novels. Fiction written by and for women has long been ridiculed by society at large.

    13. I request that my company’s recruitment team explicitly ask external recruiters to include diverse candidates on their shortlist. I also refuse to review internal candidate shortlists until there’s at least one woman and one underrepresented minority. It’s amazing how many times this has to be forced.

    14. Gave my kid my last name. I don’t think it’s truly radical, but the number of women who kept their last name after marriage to a man *and* passed that name on to their kids appears to be very small.

      1. My best friend did this! Although in her case it has more to do with her husband’s father issues and him not wanting to pass on his father’s name. It’s still cool that her kids have her name though.

    16. It’s interesting to see what the replies reveal about people’s view of “radical” is. In my daily life, *not* doing a lot of these things would be viewed as radical (eg the ones about trying to put together diverse speaker panels).

      In my youth, I was pretty traditionally radical: I protested a lot of things. Mostly pro gay rights – this was the 1990s before Lawrence v Texas – but also against the School of the Americas/US support for Latin American dictatorships, against the death penalty (I ran an anti-DP campaign for years), and against ab*rtion. I was basically a Catholic hippie, except that I didn’t support the church position on gay rights (and still don’t). I’ve been hauled off on a sheriff’s bus with a restraining order in hand, had bottles thrown at me, occupied various public spaces, etc.

      Most of the causes I supported are so mainstream today that big corporations endorse them. I remain basically a Catholic hippie, which means that my life continues to be, in many respects significantly outside the mainstream. I don’t use artificial birth control – maybe that’s radical in the sense that it’s a very uncommon position? Or is it not radical, because it’s the position of the Catholic Church? It really depends on how you’re defining it.

    17. Well, I’ve been the breadwinner in my hetero relationship for the entire time we’ve been together. My husband was a SAHD until the kids were old enough for preschool. We were interviewed for an academic study on egalitarian relationships. This is not one of those households where housework and parenting is the default job of the woman. We’ve made it work for 25+ years and have two kids in college. I just made the last 529 withdrawal ever for our oldest child’s tuition!!

      1. I don’t think of any of that as radical, by the way. I think of it as fair. But in the context of the tradwife movement and all this red pill BS, it is radical fairness.

      2. Same here (have 2 young adults launched in the world). Never interviewed for an article though, and dh wasn’t the only SAHD in the neighborhood, and he stayed home with them through out their school years.

  3. Help me with a gift! A former colleague of mine is retiring next week and I want to get her a (physical) gift. Gifts are for sure her absoloute number one love language — she always gives me beautiful Christmas and birthday gifts and I always feel like a big ol’ loser for not reciprocating as well in that department,so I want to give something awesome for her retirement. She’s not super into fashion but I thought maybe an Hermes scarf or similar because she’d know it’s capital-F Fancy even if she didn’t really wear it? She’s given me a lot of expensive picture frames over the years so that might be an option, but I’d like to be more creative than that. Normally I’d do a consumable but in this case I think a Thing is the way to go. Help! Budget up to Hermes scarf.

    1. Are there any hobbies that she’s looking forward to in retirement? Expensive Thing for a hobby that she’ll now have more time for would be super thoughtful.

    2. Buy the scarf, write in the card that the print made you think of her and hope that she (and the scarf) have some fantastic, frivolous adventures in the future. A Hermes scarf actually sounds like a fantastic special, but not too special gift.

    3. Get the scarf! Find a pattern that you think she would like or would be meaningful to her.

    4. I think an Hermes scarf is pretty great because you can either wear it or frame it so have a lot of options.

    5. I think that’s a great gift – if she doesn’t wear it, she can always frame it. Fancy candlesticks are another idea but that’s harder to get right unless you know her home decor style.

    6. do you know her plans for retirement? Like personally I would get way more use out of a Yeti backpack cooler than an Hermes scarf.

    9. An Hermes scarf is so special! But do include a gift receipt so that she can exchange it for a pattern she prefers, if necessary.

    10. I would be gobsmacked if someone gave me a beautiful Hermes scarf in the orange box. I think go for that.

    11. I will be retiring next year, and I can only fantasize that I receive an Hermes scarf as a retirement gift. It would be great.

  4. How often do you buy a new yoga mat? The cat threw up on mine today and even after washing thoroughly, it’s left a stain. This is a fancy one but from 2017. Should I just flip it over and continue?

    1. I would.

      Also, I love those memes that show a relieved cat with the caption “when you had to throw up but you made it to the carpet in time.” So true.

    2. I’d flip it over. My fancy mat is also 2017 and they don’t make that one anymore and the new ones don’t seem as good. A yoga mat also seems like such a big thing to throw in the landfill and have it never biodegrade.

    3. I would get myself a new mat and use the old one for an outside only mat. I’d leave the old one on my covered porch to practice out there on, and get a new one for studio classes and inside. But I practice a lot and fully believe in having easily accessible mats everywhere.

      1. Oh and you didn’t ask this, but my personal favorite fancy mat right now is from Liforme. All the colors and designs and alignment lines! and the texture is smooth (unlike Jades) yet very not slip immediately (unlike mandukas).

        1. Thanks. Mind is Jades because I am very sweaty and slip immediately on anything that is not sandpaper. Liforme does have pretty patterns though!

          1. Fair enough! My last mat was a Jade and I had a really hard time with that texture – LOL the sandpaper reference is dead on. I hated putting my forehead down on it in Childs pose. By all means stay with the jade if you like it, def not trying to talk you out of it. The Liforme kind of absorbs all of the moisture – like when I spray it with a water bottle, the water absorbs into it before you can wipe it up. I cannot understand how it works at all, but really like it!

  5. Can anyone help me shop for golf clothes? I’m a size 16 so could go to plus sizes. TIA!

    1. Callaway apparel. I had to do the same thing. I didn’t want to do it, but I actually thought my skort was pretty cute when the day came.

    2. Hear me out: LizSport vintage (size up, I’m a 16 and 18 was the best fit) they have THE cutest golf togs. eBay and Posh are where I got mine.

  6. What Questions would you ask the hiring manager for a job where you’ve to be in the office, after getting used to being remote for 6 years? The reason I’m considering the job is it is double the pay but I worry about losing many of the soft perks I’ve at my current job where I’ve been for 15 years. I am unable to justify leaving my cushy “easy to me now” job and jump into the n unknown! Help!

    1. -Expectations around remote work while sick or with sick kids at to home (if applicable to you)
      -How much flexibility there is to work remotely on a short term basis when visiting family.
      I’d be happy to go into the office a few times a week most of the time, but it would be hard for me to give up the ability to do a remote week or two here and there. I used to burn most of my PTO visiting family and now I can see them without using much PTO and that’s been life changing and I don’t think I could give it up
      -If it’s a factor for you, what would be the options to work fully remotely down the line if a spouse’s career takes you out of state.

    2. In addition to the money, what appeals to you about the new job? and what specific parts of in office worry you (not being able to meet the plumber midday vs getting interrupted all the time vs dressing more formally?). I’d figure you what matters to you that you imagine is going to change with the new job, and then design your questions around getting specifics there.

    3. Double the pay is significant. I would seriously consider taking it despite the in office requirement. However, I would ask about flexibility for things like a sick kid, if applicable, or even if you’re sick but can still wfh. I’d also want to know about taking half days for drs appointments and things of that nature. Also, sometimes the extra money is worth it because you can use it to buy back some free time like having my groceries delivered or hire someone to clean your home.

      1. For outsourcing, I think you often bump up against the limits of what can be hired out before you bump up against income limits.
        If you’re talking about going from $50k to $100k, you can definitely use the extra money to hire out a lot of stuff. But if you’re talking like $200k to $400k I’m not sure the extra money will help much for outsourcing (although it can certainly be life-changing in other ways). We have a cleaner and a lawn service and grocery delivery and all of that doesn’t cost all that much and I’m not sure what else we could outsource. I don’t want more childcare help, especially as my kids get older and want me and my husband specifically vs other caregivers. If we got a salary raise we’d have our cleaners come once a week instead of every two weeks, but it wouldn’t really make our lives any easier. Our house would just be cleaner.

    4. Do you already have an offer? I’d save these questions for the post-offer stage.

  7. Has anyone been asked not to ask for pronouns? We routinely go around and introduce ourselves and state pronouns in big group meetings (new hires, group meetings, trainings and such). One person has asked to not do that. F’s request is basically that it is not a big deal for most but F feels a lot of staring and pointed interest when it gets to be F’s turn, F is uncomfortable with this attention, F finds this to be intruding in very private thoughts and feelings and it feels to F like a forced outing. I feel that F is sincere. I want to do as requested when I’m the leader (but some in my org would take issue with that). WWYD? Has anyone else run into this?

    2. I feel pretty comfortable when it’s welcome but optional. In my circles, it’s a 50/50 chance that the person leading intros will include pronouns when they go, and then when you go around the room, about half the people don’t include pronouns for them. For me, I simply forget usually (but I remember to include it when I lead). If someone didn’t want to share, that would totally blend in.

    3. Make it a 3 pronged answer so it’s not as obvious when one chooses not to provide pronouns. “Everyone state their name, their pronouns if they’d like to, and where they’re from.” Sandwich it with name and something else.

      1. Don’t do this. Especially in smaller places where not being ‘from there’ is something everyone gets asked about all the time anyway regardless of race or religion.

        I swear I spent most of my last specialist appointment talking the doctor about scuba diving after he asked where my last name was from and then wanted to know where my husband was from.

        It’s a workplace – name and job is fine.

        1. Huh. I assumed where are you from is a pretty innocuous question. But I live in a very transient place so I like to hear where people came from. Interestingly most of my friends are from Ohio.

          I don’t think it’s always got to be “othering.” Especially if it is asked to the whole group of people. Sometimes it’s just fun to find out that you and a colleague both grew up in the same area.

    4. I refuse to do it. People know I’m a woman and I don’t need to remind anyone of that in a professional context and in a male dominated industry. As an introduction remark, it’s performative and stupid and I think the person raising the issue makes a good point.

      1. +1. No one ever had trouble figuring out I’m a woman when it was time to pay me less or sexually harass me. I never participate in this ritual because I don’t share that belief system. I think others should do whatever they want.

    5. Yeah, I think best practice has landed on “don’t tell people to share their pronouns”. I would swap to something like “please introduce yourself” and let people add pronouns if they want.

      1. Please tell that to my kids’ schools. Some kids are all over the place or trying on identities and figuring out all this and their comfort zone and it becomes just another way for kids to tease and belittle and hurt each other. The snickering, the eye rolls, pointing. Why did anyone think this was a good idea?

          1. OMG at my kid’s school I would never. I’d probably get a lecture and then shunned.

        2. Ffs they’re kids, of course they’re obnoxious. You were too when you were a kid.

    6. We don’t do this in part because it has made some non-binary colleagues feel similarly. We just have everyone state their name and job title (or what division/team they are with if similar titles).

      It’s really not necessary if it makes someone uncomfortable.

    7. Yes, that is a legit concern and so explicitly requiring pronouns is becoming less common. Often some people will spontaneously give theirs and others just won’t and everyone keeps it moving.

    8. If you all generally have an open culture, with pronouns in emails etc, I would definitely respect F’s request. Sounds like they’re figuring some stuff out.

      1. Where I work, some groups are very much in conformity on this for internal and external emails. I would be so uncomfortable with that personally. My group is more laissez faire — not required or even encouraged. You share what you want to share.

    9. Is “F” gender non conforming or trans? Definitely not cool to be making them a spectacle

    10. I hate when I’m forced to draw attention to my gender in work settings. The fact that I’m a woman has nothing to do with my experience or performance. If someone wants to voluntarily share their pronouns they should be free to do so, in the same way one might say “I’m David but most people call me Dave.” But you shouldn’t require people to announce their gender when it’s irrelevant to the situation.

    11. To be honest, I find it completely baffling that forcing everyone to state their pronouns constantly has somehow become the standard of inclusiveness. It seems like it should be exactly the opposite, putting pressure on people who are questioning their gender identity, and making it seem like the most important thing about every person you meet, which I personally take issue with as woman in a male dominated field who has faced a fair amount of gender discrimination, but does not otherwise have a particularly strong gender identity (as in I identify as woman because of my biology and experience in the world, but I don’t find it to be a very important part of my identity and wouldn’t really care if someone called me something else). It definitely irks me to have to constantly draw attention to my gender as the first thing every time I meet someone, but I feel a fair amount of pressure to so.

          1. The time for ad hominem attacks has passed. Read the room – Dems sure are. Why do you think they’re suddenly saying “women” again? It’s not because it’s the unpopular choice.

    12. I’ve run into something like this. Well meaning people were really pushing that everyone be required to specify pronouns in a few different contexts. People who were reluctant to share pronouns were sometimes perceived as probably being bigoted against gender minorities when they privately stated their reason for discomfort was because they were gender minorities (which I was know was true because I knew some people in contexts where they used their non-standard pronouns).

      So I think it is true that it can be a bigger deal for anyone whose pronouns are less usual or more of a surprise, or who may be out in some contexts and not in others for reasons. I think that people who find this easy or worthwhile can normalize it by sharing pronouns without pressuring others categorically to follow suit.

      1. In a work context, it seems a bit coercive. Same if teachers make students do it. Or any adult to a child. A book club would feel different.

        1. Adults can make their own decisions. We also need to acknowledge that a lot of people have been in the workplace successfully for 20 years or more without the word “pr0n0un” being mentioned. They’ve made it this far and they’re fine – they don’t need to be forced into anything and neither does anyone else.

    13. I am an atheist and I do not believe in gendered souls. I do not believe that sex stereotypes are helpful or instructive, and I do not have a gender identity. I do not participate in pronoun rituals, and I do not find rejection of ones sex class to be revolutionary or interesting. I do respect others’ pronouns and will use them for others as requested, and I am good at performing these requests with a smile, since I respect others’ autonomy. But this is the same as I treat religions – not my belief system and I decline to participate.

      1. +1 to all of this except that I use sex-based language exclusively. I will never go out of my way to offend someone but I will alter my sentences to avoid lying.

        1. But if gender/sex is a construct, is it really lying to go ahead and use the other person’s preferred pronoun? Really, what’s it to you? Why insist on controlling how that other person chooses to identify? What is the point, in the grand scheme of things? It’s like deciding to bestow a hated nickname on someone else and insisting on using it even in the face of repeated requests to use another name. So aggressive!

          1. I have no control over other people – and the reverse is true too. We can’t control how people think or how they see us. Accepting that is key. People should think of themselves however they want.

          2. They are free to identify as they wish. My refusal to use someone’s preferred pronoun doesn’t stop them from identifying that way. If identity is truly innate, then why is it dependent on recognition by others?

        2. You understand that purposely using “she” when a person has asked to be called “he” is going out of your way to hurt someone, right?

          1. I don’t do that. I will refer to the person by name or use other methods. It’s actually easier than trying to trick my brain into thinking a man is a woman.

        3. Oh come on, it’s important to someone else, it’s not hurting you to use the pronouns they prefer. You’re just being kind of a dick. It’s not about lying.

          1. Having control over my own beliefs and speech is important to me (I also don’t sign emails “God bless” or pepper my speech with “inshallah”, even if it would make others feel happier). Lots of people have competing needs. Women aren’t obligated to put theirs second.

          2. I still don’t see where anyone says you have to share your own pr0nouns. It’s just being respectful of others. That is not oppression.

      2. Never saw that religious angle before. If you are still reading, I am curious how this applies to yourself? Do people refer to you as she/her, and are you happy with that? Or do you prefer it a different way?

        1. i don’t have a gender identity, i have a sexed body and a personality. I see preferred pronouns as performative rituals and fiction. I extend the politeness to people in the workplace, but i do not believe in transubstantiation, and similarly i do not believe anyone can change sex.

          I do not care how people refer about me in the third person. When asked i say “i do not have preferred pronouns, thanks” and move the conversation along.

    14. Can’t you just say share your pronouns if you like – it’s totally optional. Just be breezy about it. I wouldn’t let F try to control other people’s behavior.

      1. It seems like F feels like saying pronouns is a no-cost activity / moderate nuisance for most “vanilla” people but has a cost to F. In that case, in a group, it seems like a net negative with no gain (other than, I know for one person I can think of, checking the box that they have publicly observed being welcoming and inclusive (but what if it’s not welcome and makes someone feel othered?)). We don’t make people go around and confess their orientation or anything else that the might consider to be sensitive or private or just none of anyone’s business.

        I don’t owe anyone an explanation of who or what I am. I am human and a co-worker and that should be enough.

        1. I mean, the difference between sharing pronouns and orientation is, I have no work purposes need to know my colleague’s orientation – but I do need to know whether my colleague cares if I say “it’s on his desk” vs “it’s on her desk”

        2. Then skip pr0n0un time for yourself. Trying to police what other people do with their own is just being controlling.

  8. I am coveting a red blazer, but help me style it. I work in a no-jeans office. Here’s the concern:
    Red + black pants = 1980s
    Red + navy pants = American flag
    Red + khaki or camel = Target employee

    What is left? Help me solve this.

    1. I love ted. A little red and either denim or white pants are where I land. Everything else is just too much.

    2. White? (Bright white, not Target khaki). Dark brown? I don’t think black is automatically terrible depending on how it’s styled. I also love the red and pink combo.

      1. yes, this is what I do with red tops, or with some burgundy it works too

      1. +1 on gray. But also, I really like red but find it easier on accessories. Shoes, bag, belt – fun. For me, a large chunk of red near my face brings out the red in my complexion and just isn’t flattering on me. Just a thought if you’re trying to get on the red trend and it’s not working great.

    5. Warm weather: denim, navy and navy top, light gray or cream

      Cold weather: Denim, charcoal, black pants and black top

    6. Red. Pink. White. Light blue. Denim. I am also fine with red and navy blue but perhaps pair it with a shirt that is either blue or light blue instead of white, which then evokes the flag.

      1. Thanks for posting this because my poor red blazer has been sitting in my closet for 5 years. My instinct is to tone it down with white or grey but that doesn’t look right to me and I end up switching it out. A high contrast “statement piece” next to muted tones looks dated on me.

        I think another saturated color would actually balance out the red better and look more harmonious.

        If you’re going to wear red, a full red Hillary Clinton pantsuit is still the #1 choice though imo.

        1. I recently purchased a Barbie-pink pantsuit (to the derision of some on this site), and wore it to the office the otehr day and felt like a milliion bucks! Only one person snickered a bit, and I just owned it, telling him I was Lawyer Barbie.

          For a red jacket, you can pair it with white, charcoal, gray or black slacks or sheath dress for the office. I think a red jacket over a monotone column (i.e., black top/black pants) would look terrific!

    8. I really, really love the right pink and red together. It’s one of my favorite color combos.

      1. Yes same !! Or with a print that has some red in it is beautiful. I think best just to go bold

    9. Don’t do a bright red-red
      Try a brick red or a maroon or a softer less loud red

      Or just put on a top hat and go for circus ringmaster!

    10. I don’t think red with khaki reads like a target employee if your shapes are polished and you have neat shoes and accessories.

    11. I don’t really get the american flag thing with dark navy worn together with red. I’d go that way. Gray would also work.

    12. I have a red blazer and faced the same challenge. What I have found to work is: Pink, blush, orange, brown, olive, cream (white feels a little too harsh to me, and is the colours of *my* flag)

    13. Red + lilac! I think this would look smashing over a lilac linen pant or a lilac dress
      Red+ blush–another interesting/offbeat combination
      Red + gray–a very pretty, classic, old-school English combination (at least that’s how I see it)
      Red + cognac–maybe with a pretty Paisley scarf or a fun printed top
      Red + maroon or burgundy–depending on the red, this is a very sophisticated tonal look
      Red + mint or coral–mint and coral aren’t really trending right now but I love red + mint, I think it’s a super-cute spring color combo

  9. Any tips for taking a higher dosage of doxycycline?

    I’m on a 3 month course for acne and it’s really making me extremely nauseous in the morning to the point I ended up getting sick today. I have to start work early, otherwise I’d wake up earlier to give myself ~90 mins to take it and deal with the side effects.

    Evening isn’t so bad, probably because I’ve had a good dinner, in a more relaxed mindset, and go to bed about an hour after taking it.

    1. I assume you’re taking it with food? That’s the standard advice to reduce GI side effects. I had the same problem when taking it for an infection and was completely miserable, there’s no way I’d be able to take it for months.

    2. This is a good question for your pharmacist; doxycycline is VERY acidic and the pharmacist may have an idea for this. Or you may need to switch to Doryx for your morning dose.

    3. The last time I took doxy I nearly went to the ER, it caused me so much stomach pain. No ideas, just commiseration

    4. Food (not dairy) and maybe consider a probiotic? My doctor made sure I took one when I took doxy for an infection.

    5. I can’t really take it either. Sorry. Try it with food. Stash some cereal bar kind of portable breakfast food so you have it on hand. I’d eat first, then take the pill.

      Also if you’re taking multiple doxy pills, space them out exactly x number of hours apart where they’re as far apart as possible, even if you have to set an alarm.

  10. Does anyone have experience with pelvic floor PT? I’m in my 20s, no kids, but have had problems painful gardening, difficulty ur!nating, and semi-frequent UTIs. I think it’s related to tension but not sure who to see about it

    1. I just posted about this recently. I sent a message to my obgyn about it and she referred me to a pelvic DPT. I had my first appointment last week, which consisted of a physical examination and discussion of treatments. She had me order dilators from Intimate Rose and we are going to use them together during future PT sessions.

    3. I did for about a year and it was life changing. Could not have imagined conceiving kids naturally before the PT because the act was so painful. Improved by leaps and bounds after the PT. Have two wonderful kids now.

    5. If you happen to be in ATL, I have a suggestion. Not personal experience, though.

  11. Sigh. I posted a while back – my husband’s sister has been dealing with a mental health issue for the last few months. Just looking to vent. It’s been awful. She becomes hostile when anyone tries to confront her with her own (increasingly) erratic behavior, and will haul off and send my husband many to cruel messages in a row. My husband is trying to remain level-headed and distinguish the illness from the person, but it’s getting to us all. We go days without hearing very much which is stressful, but hearing from her can be even worse.

    1. I’m so sorry. We went through something similar with a family member and it was almost two months before he got into treatment (with some CRAZY interludes in there). I hope your SIL will present to the ER voluntarily for what sounds like mania.

      1. I’m glad you were able to get your family member into treatment. I hope she will present to the ER ultimately, but right now we’re not even having success convincing her that anything is amiss. So awful. I feel as if I’m waiting every day for something bad to happen, which is dreadful.

        1. Trust me, I get it and it’s SO hard. We had two attempts at involuntary holds fail (and the third succeeded only after he agreed to present for an evaluation). He thought NOTHING was wrong with him despite truly wild behavior. If your/her county has a specialized mental health response team, that might be something to consider. They can come out and speak to the person and sometimes initiate holds. Full disclosure, it didn’t fully work for us, but I could see it working well in other circumstances.

          Also, what really helped me was reading every night for some escapism. I blew through an easy-read historical fiction series (the Lady Emily mysteries) and it honestly helped me a ton. I needed to get away from our suddenly hellish reality and committing to reading instead of doomscrolling helped.

          1. I appreciate all of that so much (in tears at my desk, haha). Thank you. Historical fiction honestly sounds like the perfect bet right now. (I love Hillary Mantel).

          2. You’re very welcome – please post updates when you can. I hope something changes soon.

    3. I have a very similar situation on my family and it is incredibly difficult. Sending internet hugs!

    4. Do involuntary holds exist where you live? You may be able to force her into treatment, it will heavily rely on having documentation of the behaviour.

      1. She would have to be a danger to herself or others. Being an asshole and saying nutty things doesn’t get you a hold.

  12. Looking for a leather backpack in a caramel color for commuting to work. Must be big enough to fit a large laptop.

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