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Anon
For all of those saying that you don’t necessarily agree with everything happening at a protest, it’s not that hard to learn about the organizers. This person sounds lovely https://www.newsweek.com/who-khymani-james-columbia-protest-organizers-remarks-spark-fury-1894488
Anon
“ during the Haitian Revolution, the Haitian slaves had to kill their masters in order to gain their independence. These were masters who were white supremacists. What is a Zionist? A white supremacist.”
Love how he tried to walk back his statement saying he was unusually upset…when I’m upset i don’t make statements to university officials that involve my desire to kill people.
Given what this article writes about how he quit something in high school bc it was ‘racist and adultist’ seems like colleges need to find a better way to vet the students they admit
Anon
Right? In my city, kids run themselves ragged throughout high school to try to go to an Ivy or Flagship State U. They should tune in, threaten to kill people, express a racial animus on the record, and drop out. Certainly not take on $$$ loans for this nonsense.
I wonder, at Columbia, are there earnest students trying to study for finals and trying to, say, learn the Krebs cycle or organic chemistry or tr*nslating Latin and Greek? Mostly?
Anon
Oh he sounds like a peach. Love how he tried to make himself the victim when called out, just like Malak Afaneh in Berkeley. Before anyone says “you get weirdos at every protest,” this guy was a lead organizer for the Columbia encampment. A LEAD.
Anon
Yes if this is one of the leaders and you’re participating, you’re amplifying his message
Anon
If Columbia is like my college, freshman are randomly set up with other freshman as roommates. I imagine his roomie started as “Mitch, from Ohio” who ran cross country and wanted to major in accounting or maybe go to med school and liked to study. Poor Mitch.
Anon
It’s unbelievable Columbia hasn’t expelled him. That would never, EVER happen if he had threatened any other group.
Notes
This would never happen if he had threatened any other group? Why don’t we address the comments of our elected leaders and Presidential candidate and other people who have a lot more political power than a university protestor:
1. Rep Ogles comment “Kill them all” when talking about Palestinians (not Hamas, but specifically Palestinians)
2. Trump ideological test for immigrants and to ban people from “terror-plagued” countries
3. Rep. Zinke’s bill to expel all Palestinians from the US, which was signed on to by other reps
4. Kusher “Gaza would make great waterfront property” and Israel “should move them out”
To name a few.
Many of the posters here are happy to go on and on about the protestors, but zilch when it comes to anti-Arab/Muslim bigotry. Literally, not a single anti-protest comment has mentioned it once or taken it into account, not even the little boy murdered last year by a white supremist, the three men shot in Vermont, the rise of threats to mosques. These people quoted above actually have the power and authority to take the steps that they threaten, but yes, I’m sure hatred towards any other group wouldn’t be tolerated.
Anon
Trump and Kushner, really? Obviously they’re deranged, horrible people and I’ve never seen anyone suggest otherwise. We’re talking about students at a university, not every bigoted right wing politician in the U.S. Obviously they’re sh*tty people!
Anon
Is it okay to be concerned about RW leadership in Israel too?
Notes
I’m glad you think that they are horrible. But if you’ve never seen anyone suggest otherwise, I’d like to introduce you to one of our major political parties that follow Trump hook, line, and sinker, they are called Republicans, and millions of people in this country follow them, have voted for them and will vote for them.
anon.
You just “All Lives Matter”-ed Jews.
Notes
The comment I responded to said it wouldn’t be okay to say about other groups. I pointed out that it is, in fact, said about other groups and at a much bigger more powerful level. Arabs and Muslims are often forgotten about despite facing national level discrimination. If their inclusion is offensive to you, than that’s on you.
Anon
Wow, the kids at communist Coachella read corporette? Notes, how’d you find this site? Are you getting enough food and safe space?
Notes
Anon 11:29 – Good one!!! you keep going with that razor sharp wit
Anonymous
All lives do matter. No one has any moral right to rant about how we all agree who shouldn’t be allowed to live. The divisiveness of this victimology and separating people into little identity groups is part of the problem.
I
Anon
There was definitely discussion here about the anti-Muslim incidents you mentioned.
Notes
I’ve been participating on those discussions and am the person that has often brought it up. I refuse to let these things be forgotten when these threads happen. These are groups with comparatively very little political sway in high levels.
Anon
But no one was disagreeing with you that these incidents are horrifying. So complaining that people here don’t care about Islamophobia doesn’t ring true.
Notes
And yet many people have over and over again denounced anti-Semitism on this site and people keep posting about the student protest (as they are free to do, and just as I am free to bring up Islamaphobia too).
Anon
How the heck is this kid ever going to find a job
Anon
He’ll probably get a job with some super leftist organization as an organizer
Anon
And if he doesn’t, it will definitely be somebody else’s fault.
Anon
Yes what does it mean if something is “adultist”
Anon
I took his quote and replaced Zionists with Mexicans. Anyone see the double standard?
“I’m not saying I’m going to go out and start killing [Mexicans],” James added. “What I’m saying is that if an individual who identifies as a [Mexican] threatens my physical safety in person—i.e., puts their hands on me—I’m going to defend myself, and in that case scenario it may come to a point where I don’t know when to stop.”
After the conversation with the Columbia staff members, James addressed the camera directly, saying: “Why would we want people who are supporters of genocide to live? I’m confused.”
“[Mexicans], along with all white supremacists, need to not exist because they actively harm and kill vulnerable people,” he said, adding: “Be glad, be grateful, that I’m not just going out and murdering [Mexicans]. I’ve never murdered anyone in my life, and I hope to keep it that way.”
Anon
I’m more pro-Israel than most, but I don’t think this analogy is fair because Zionist is an ideology and Mexican is a nationality, which is immutable.
Anon
I don’t support what he’s saying, but wouldn’t Mexican be parallel to Israeli, not to Zionist?
Anon
Technically, but I am 99% certain that this a-hole is using Zionist as a substitute for Jew.
Anon
That would not surprise me, but at the same time, I don’t want to talk over any Jewish students who are participating in the protests still.
The degree to which it’s become normal to talk this way in leftist circles really distresses to me. I appreciated this article just for discussing it: https://crimethinc.com/2019/04/08/against-the-logic-of-the-guillotine-why-the-paris-commune-burned-the-guillotine-and-we-should-too
Anon
I’ve read interviews with many Jewish protestors who are not Zionists. This is a false equivalency.
Anonymous
Replace the word Zionist with the word black and see how that reads.
Anon
The protest at our local university was peaceful and was met with a violent police response. There are many more protests that are organized by people who are not violent, don’t espouse violence, and have a real problem with funding Israel. I hope their message doesn’t get lost.
Anon
The point though is associating yourself with someone like this does make the message get lost. And even if a protest is peaceful if it includes antisemitic messaging that also hurts your cause. Also while I most certainly and unequivocally do not condone police violence, there is no right to protest (even peacefully) whenever and wherever you want. Police should obviously respond to disperse the protesters if it is deemed they need to be dispersed in the calmest way possible
Anon @ 9:14
The protest in my town had no anti-semitic messaging. It’s pretty dismissive to say one person at another unrelated protest discredits an entire movement. Anyway, this summer I had the displeasure of seeing a N azi rally outside a drag show I attended. These monsters were armed with guns and chanting slogans suggesting they were going to k ill us. The police were super calm and didn’t put a hand on any of them. It’s so strange to me that this protest was met with such violence.
Anon
how is this your response to this post? I too have a huge problem with what Israel is doing, but have an equally if not larger problem with people like this
Notes
There is a mass grave of 300 people at Al Shifa hospital. There have been thousands of children killed by bombs and hundreds more slowly dying by famine. There is barely any healthcare in Gaza and surgeries are being performed without anesthesia. Thousands of people displaced.
And a student’s speech at an American university is equal if not a larger problem to you?
Anon
I believe she means that people who espouse such hateful messages are deliberately dangerous and hateful. Their motivations are deeply hate filled, whereas civilian deaths in a war are a tragic and regrettable occurrence. They are tragic – I’ve seen no one dispute that. But I don’t believe they’re driven by genocidal violence.
Anon
Yeah, if there’s a reason to be against student protests, it’s that it’s given people a reason to not pay attention to the real problem here. All of the headlines are going to clowns like this kid and giving people an excuse to not have to think about how absolutely appalling the situation in Gaza is and how Israel doesn’t seem to have any actual plan to ever make it livable again. Don’t let yourself be so easily manipulated.
Anon
I think growing antisemitism and hateful attitudes are a huge problem. As do I think the fact that people are still justifying the rapes that took place on October 7. There is no need for a suffering contest. There are unfortunately plenty of problems to go around
Notes
Anon 9:50 – I really hope that’s actually not what her comment meant to say, because that would be obscene. It downplays Israel’s actions as some inevitable result. Like a storm that no one can control that results in some tragic deaths.
Israel is a powerful military force. It’s actions are deliberate and deliberately dangerous. They’re not killing thousands by mere accident. They are even intentionally shooting at people who try to recover aid.
Your downplaying of Israel’s action is exactly the type of thinking that should be protested. I don’t even think you realize how little you think of the Palestinians suffering.
Anon
Hamas could stop using people as human shields and cut the death rate by untold percentages. It won’t, though. It is absolutely unacceptable that Hamas uses hospitals, aid lines, and other places that civilians go as scenes of warfare. Yes, it does lead to higher death counts against a well-armed adversary. Some would call it suicidal. It’s incredibly tragic.
Notes
The student protests can be discussed over and over again and the impact on certain groups can be repeated over and over again. But when the suffering of Palestinians is brought up it’s all “let’s not get into a suffering contest here.” It’s not a contest, it’s perspective. The attitude often reflected in these comments is 100% an “all lives matter” one when one group is objectively worse off and it minimizes their suffering.
Anon
I’m the anon at 9:33. What i was trying to say is that it is incredibly dangerous for society in the U.S. that there are people, especially leaders, with these views and that other people think it’s a good idea to associate themselves with these types of people. I also think that if the true goal behind these protests is to stop Israel from engaging in its current form of warfare and improve the lives of Palestinians, then protest without using anti semitic or controversial rhetoric- your message gets completely lost.
Anon
Saying “civilian deaths in a war are a tragic and regrettable occurrence” makes it sound like an unavoidable accident. That’s not what is being protested.
Anon
All of those things are terrible, and everyone should be demanding that Hamas use its resources – tunnels, food, water, medicine, money, manpower – to fix them.
Anon
Notes- forget this commenter for a moment, what are your thoughts on the college student leader profiled in the original article?
Notes
Anon 10:37- That he is stupid. And stupid people shouldn’t give sound bites. And that stupidity can do more harm to any cause. But most stupid people don’t know they’re stupid so here we are.
But I also think that the people who are constantly talking about the protest on this site are older than the university students and should be wise enough to discern that the heart of these protests is anger that this Country is involved with what many perceive to be a genocide. It also seems that many posters use these protests to deflect from the real situation. You can say that’s the fault of the protesters, but that removes each persons own accountability in talking and Thinking about this conflict.
Palestinian rights is a cause I’ve been advocating for a long time. Even when I was in university many many years ago. So perhaps I understand the students’ frustration more so than others, but I also have many years and real life experience than they do.
Anon
So you don’t denounce his views – you just think he’s stupid to have given a sound bite. Wow. You wonder why people are sick of this?
Anon
Pretty sure she did denounce his views, seems like you’re looking for a reason to be mad
Notes
Anon 11:10 – Oye, I get tired of the word gotcha so think what you want. Anti-Palestinians have been policing rhetoric for as long as this conflict has existed and will continue to do so. If you protest against Israel, but not Hamas (to what point as many others have pointed out), you’re anti Semitic. If you don’t protest all other countries doing bad stuff in the world, but protest Israel, you’re anti Semitic. If you point out the death tolls and famine and displacements are objectively worse than student protests, you’re anti Semitic. If you point out the actions and words of political leaders carries more force than that of a university student’s, you’re “all lives mattering” Jews. And after all that, you’re told “what?! no one says you can’t criticize Israel”
But I don’t wonder why people get sick of the university protests. People in these comments have repeatedly shown, as most Anti-Palestinians have over the past 70 years, how atrocities have been committed over and over again throughout history. It’s mostly apathy,.
Notes
I love the people who say this would never be tolerated against any other group and in the meantime, let me just include these statements from our elected officials and candidate for Presidency and other names that are much more powerful than a student at Columbia:
– Rep Andy Ogles “kill them all” when talking about Palestinians
– Trump: Expel immigrants from “terror-plagued countries” and require ideological screenings
-Ryan Zinke “Expel all Palestinians from the US” bill which was signed on by several lawmakers
-Kushner “Gaza would make great waterfront Property…from Israel’s perspective, I would move people out…”
These are just a few. Some of y’all love to go on about the student protestors and it’s zilch when it comes to… you know…actual political power embracing anti-Arab/Muslim/Palestinian bigotry
Emma
I mean, I personally loathe all of these people and am deeply shocked by these statements too. I have and continue to vote, campaign, lobby and donate against that whole gang. I am also deeply upset about the rise of antisemitism and deeply shocked by some of the messaging from these student protests. Not sure why you are assuming that’s not the case? Very few people on this board are Trump supporters as far as I can tell.
Anon
This.
Notes
Emma- 1) I didn’t mean to post similar comments twice so my bad on that; 2) The reason I made that assumption is because these things are rarely included by the commenters who speak against the protests. And my assumption has been proven ; you can see upthread to my first comment, one of responses accused me of “All lives mattering” Jews just by simply pointing out these things.
Thank you for your advocacy.
Anon
I have also never murdered anyone in my life and also hope to keep it that way- do i get a prize?
Anon
IIRC you can self-nominate for the Nobel Peace Prize. Those of us not burning down the world ought to get it the way things are going.
Anonymous
Keep in mind the ongoing effort by right wingers to discredit and eventually dismantle higher education. This Twitter thread has a nice summary of how the protests are being co-opted to this end.
I think these protests have devolved into an excellent example of the right saying, Let’s you and him fight, and sitting back eating popcorn while progressive people destroy each other.
https://twitter.com/RVAwonk/status/1783609217204527494
Notes
Spot on. There was a poster who talked about how her higher education hating father has started sending her articles on this.
The right wing turn on both sides is very concerning. We’re slipping more into fascism here.
Anonymous
What you want is to shut down speech you disagree with. No one is going to go out and hire a private investigator to do a full background check on a student organizer before joining a rally to protest atrocities occurring now. By setting that as the bar, you can assure that no one will say what you don’t want them to say.
Anonymous
But you are perfectly comfortable aligning yourself with the Israeli government and IDF given what they have said and done?
Anon
He says his ultimate destination is Congress. To that I say, please F off forever.
Paris
Hopefully a lighthearted Friday thread- in search of Paris restaurant recs. Goals-
1. takes reservations online (bonus points if it’s not so popular that I need to set an alarm to snag a table at exactly 21 days out or whatever)
2. midrange pricing (50E or under for two courses and wine at lunch, 75E for the same at dinner, willing to go a bit higher for Michelin level, like paying dinner-level for lunch)
3. not near Olympics prep – we’re planning on generally avoiding the 7th as a start, and in particular curious about good lunch options near Parc Monceau or the northern Bois de Boulogne / Fondation LV area.
Anonymous
Paris by Mouth’s newsletter is worth the $15 a month and a great resource for this.
Senior Attorney
+1 their tours and (especially) their cheese tastings are great, too!
LawDawg
If you book a tour (totally worth it), you get a free subscription for a year. Mine just ran out last week :(
Eager Beaver
I was just about to suggest Paris by Mouth. Even the free stuff on their website is great. This is also a great resource: https://everydayparisian.com/how-to-make-reservations-in-paris/.
Me
Extra Petite has a post right now about restaurants in Paris.
Emma
The area near Fondation Louis Vuitton is kind of dead, restaurant-scene wise, so bear with me if this is a weird recommendation, but I like Focly for Chinese food. On Avenue du General de Gaulle, about a 10 minute walk from FLV, you can reserve online, it’s cheaper than your price range unless you get the Beijing Duck (which is excellent but needs to be ordered in advance). Is it worth going out of your way for, probably not, but it’s a good option in the area and Chinese food in France is a little different so it could be fun. If you want more classic French food, le Bouquet is a good brasserie a few blocks down, although I have no idea if they take reservations.
If you want a splurge one night, we really enjoyed dinner at Comice in the 16th. It’s a Michelin star restaurant with a prix fixe menu, but it’s delicious and the vibe is unpretentious (and the service was friendly and spoke English).
ProfP
Totally the wrong neighborhood for you, but I’ll recommend Chefs à Table in the 11e (15 rue Trousseau). I wanted to go there because it has vegetarian options but my husband the carnivore liked it just as well. No Michelin stars but very good reviews online, so it’s not just me liking it. But, we were there for Saturday lunch and it was less than half full.
Eliza
Robert et Louise and Chez Janou in the Marais are both very good.
Anon
I found out about a diagnosis that means that I only likely have 20-30 years life expectancy left. I am losing it completely and confused about if this changes the way I live my life. How would it change the way you live your life? I have two elementary age kids and a few millions in savings but also love my job and find meaningful so wouldn’t necessarily quit it. I am also just struggling with coping – haven’t told anyone except a close work friend and my husband and just find it so incredibly upsetting. Would take any advice anyone has with coping in general.
Anon
20-30 years is still a long time, and medical advances may very well stretch that further, and estimates are just that, estimates. I’ve known many to live well past their original prognosis, and then there are some who are gone suddenly. All of that to say, I would keep living my life the same, perhaps feeling more free to spend more time and money on certain endeavors but nothing especially drastic. Not quitting my job, but taking time off for a long bucket list trip. Not raiding my savings, but maybe now’s the time for the bathroom upgrade so I can enjoy my house more. And generally being more deliberate about spending time with and loving my family. This is something I’m doing with a parent who will soon be gone from cancer. Every moment with them now feels like it’s a lot more precious.
Anon
Hugs.
An I agree 20-30 years with today’s science means that you could benefit from research and discoveries yet to come.
I know we see the worst that youth has on offer but I know amazing kids with a sincere wish to cure all sorts of conditions or find ways to make living with them better. I have faith that the needle will move over time.
Anecdata
Big hug
Don’t do anything this week except give yourself time to rest and reflect and get outside for nice walks or anything else that fills your cup. Any changes you want to make can wait – you’ve just gotten massive news, give yourself some space before you make decisions
Anon
I’m so sorry, that sounds terribly hard. I would quit my job if I had only 20 years left to live and several million in savings, but I don’t love it or find it meaningful.
Anon
First of all i am soo soo sorry. How old are you? Are you likely to live a normal life for the next 20 years? I’d def find a therapist to help me process all of this. I know you probably feel like you have to make decisions right now, but you can definitely take time to process.
This is incredibly morbid but as I got closer I’d want to write letters or record messages for my kids for various life milestones. My mom was sick but lost the ability to communicate rather quickly and I wish i had those things from her
Anon
34, and yes likely normal for 20 years or so.
Anon
I’m sorry, that must be devastating. But 20-30 years is still a long time and who knows what could happen in that time. Please get the support you need such as therapy.
Anon
I am so sorry. We’ve been dealing with this with a child, so different, but here’s what I’ve learned. First, allow yourself to grieve the life you thought you were going to have. Recognize too that this is an ongoing process as the grieving doesn’t magically go away after a year. Birthdays have very different meanings for us now, which is lousy. Second, don’t try to live everyday as though it was your last; it’s exhausting and all the mundane things still have to be attended to. But do re-prioritize and try to make sure you are “living” as much as you can. You have funds to out-source things you hate, so take advantage of that. And make more time to spend with those you love and doing things that give you joy. Finally, find a therapist if you don’t have one already. A therapist can help you sort your feelings and how to approach this with your children and others. In the beginning, just having someone validate my feelings was so comforting.
Anon
This was the advice I was going to give.
Two additions: prioritise making memories with your kids. Go on adventures, do fun things, and give them a lot of joy. Take ALL the photos, and find a way to store them that is more permanent than your phone. Photo album, even?
Second: I am assuming that this is an incurable and degenerative condition, the timeline. Not now – it’s too raw – speak to specialists and researchers. Figure out what reasonable steps can slow the decline, get your head wrapped around what kind of quality of life you will have as this disease progresses, and learn what treatments are coming down the pike even 10-15 years from now.
You have millions in the bank. Use some of it to get access to top-notch specialists who study this disease all day, every day, and can help guide you.
Sending love
This – if there is a support organization for this condition, reach out to them and ask to be put in touch with people with your similar demographics or ahead of you in stage of the condition, to see what their life is like and how the condition has progressed and affected them and their families. It is not yet time to panic – it is time to care for yourself, which includes asking for help, and learn more, which also includes asking people
Anon
So many hugs to you and your family as well. Life can be so unfair.
anon
I have never been in your shoes, and that sounds so incredibly hard. I am very, very sorry.
I have posted about this here before, but I almost died due to a medical emergency some years back, and bc of the nature of the emergency, was fully aware that I was dying while it was going on. It was not a warm fuzzy near-death experience at all – it was terrifying and afterwards I really struggled with hyperawareness of my own mortality. I describe it as feeling death-haunted. While your situation is very different, what helped me (in case it is useful to you) was Buddhist death meditation (maranasati). It provided me a means of sitting with the reality of my death and everything that would mean until I was able to be in a place of acceptance instead of a place of fear, anger, etc. I’m Christian, but I didn’t find that my own tradition had a helpful structure for coping with that (it was helpful in other ways). When Things Fall Apart by Pema Chodron was also very useful (I listened to it on audiobook).
You are in the position of having been forced into awareness of the reality of your end. That means you are conscious now of something that most people (at least most younger and middle-aged people) simply ignore. It means you are in a very different mindspace than almost everyone around you. That can feel alienating and lonely. But that feeling will pass as you come to a place of accepting that reality. I know it is hard to believe, but there will be a day when this is not at the forefront of your mind every moment of the day, and you feel able to look forward to things, and make future plans, and the combination of anger and fear that you feel right now will have eased.
What this means for how you live your life depends on you. You don’t have to make any decisions about any of that now. When you start telling people about this, you’re doing to deal with a lot of super annoying Power of Positive Thinking/Law of Attraction crap, and people who are convinced that You Can Beat This! (because they can’t accept that This is death, regardless of how it comes, and nobody beats it), and people who want to put a positive spin on how this is a gift because now you can really live life to the fullest and all that. Basically, you’ll be on the receiving end of a lot of people trying to cope with being reminded (by your diagnosis) of their own mortality. That is super annoying (tbh) and so you have my permission, if you need it, not to share this until you are further along your own journey of contemplation. And frankly, with a lot of people, you don’t need to share it at all.
I am thinking of you.
Runcible Spoon
This. The hyper-awareness of your own mortality has come years before you would normally experience this, and it is petrifying. I won’t add to all the good advice already provided, except to add that the very palpable realization that yes, you actually are going to die one day (which is particularly difficult feeling to explain to those who have not experienced it) WILL, in time, fade from your current overwhelming focus — it gets better.
Anon
I am also dealing with this after having a stroke. I hadn’t heard of the Buddhist meditation, but that is something interesting to look into.
OP so sorry for what you’re going through. Hugs to you.
anon
I’m sorry to hear that you are going through this. It is very overwhelming, and by the sound of it, you are quite young and may not have had to deal with a lot of loss or health issues so far in your life. If so, it is a real shock.
I also learned this year that I have a very serious disease. Life could change at any moment for me, and it threw my anxiety into overload. Yes, the questions that enter your mind are serious ones, that honestly… should be at the forefront of our mind daily, but can’t be or they would drown us.
Now, I live more for the present. Fortunately, it sounds like you are very fortunate and have a lot of financial security at a young age, with a supportive wonderful family and fulfilling job and close friends. That is better than … honestly, pretty much all of us! This will get you through. But it will be hard work at times for you.
What has helped me? I spent time finding the best medical care I can, so that I have to worry less about having doctors I trust. I also spent some time researching my problem myself – and in your case, perhaps asking your husband to help you with this if it causes you more stress to read about it. This included talking to friends who have similar situations, finding a Facebook group of folks with my rare disorder to ask questions, and telling me family what I needed from them… support wise. If you need it, you find a psychiatrist or therapist to help you work through your fears. It really, really helps. Tell your primary care doctor at a appointment soon, so they can become part of your team, helping you figure out all of the gaps that need filling and watch your general well-being.
But I have some good news for you. 20-30 years is a very long time. Any of us could be hit by a car tomorrow, and have our life changed forever, yet we don’t consider this. Now you are forced to. But science and medicine are quite amazing. In 20-30 years, different treatments will be available for your problem and this long/vague estimate will have changed, I promise you. For my problem, literally new treatments are being developed every year or two. So this gives me hope. Always have hope.
Other things that help me – grabbing the small moments every day. Favorite things – foods, music, flowers, books, things the kids do…… Time is precious so use it well. Pay for the cleaners, and play with your kids instead. Review your financial plan to be sure things are being done smart. But plan the vacations, love your family and friends and tell them, think of things you are grateful for every day. Sleep, and do whatever is needed to get good sleep. Treat your depression/anxiety and find the stress release that works for you – mindfulness/yoga/exercise/music/knitting/walking etc…
You will be ok. You really will be. And your life will be richer, in all ways.
Anonymous
Thirty years is a long time! I wouldn’t focus on changing anything in your life. Find a therapist and spend time working through this.
Anon
She probably won’t have good quality of life for all of those 30 years. And I’m in a similar stage of life to OP it sounds like (late 30s with early elementary age kids) and 30 years sound doesn’t sound long to me! Dying in your late 60s is pretty young these days.
Anon
Yep! The responses that 20-30 years is a long time and things could change is just so invalidating right now. The OP may come to feel that one day (but she may not, which is also fine), but right after getting this news is not the time.
I’ve never been through this before, OP, but I am sending all the good wishes your way. I do think a therapist or a group with your condition can help you process your feelings around the news.
Anon
Except people aren’t saying it to be weirdly positive. It’s too long a time to YOLO it up all day every day. It’s a long enough time that continuing to work makes sense. It’s a long enough time that she should be very attuned to what treatments are in the pipeline, and when new clinical trials might start.
Moreover, a lot of terminal degenerative diseases are basically managed by slowing the decline enough for a future treatment to help, which keeps you going until an even newer treatment helps, and the goal is to keep you alive until you die of other causes.
Anon
Yeah I’m really surprised by all the “20-30 years is a long time” responses. If you’re 60, maybe, but not if you’re 34! I expected to have ~50 years left at that age, the vast majority of them good. Having my remaining time cut in half and knowing I’d be declining by my early 50s would have been absolutely earth shattering.
anon
Then perhaps you need to wake up. A lot of people die in their 60’s. There are lots of things in life you cannot control, and cancer is hitting more of us earlier. My parents were both very healthy and died early. Neither got to enjoy a “retirement”.
That is why some of us emphasize saving for the future, but being sure to live for the present.
Anon
People randomly die young, yes, but it’s extremely rare for a previously healthy person to die in their 50s. At age 34, the average female life expectancy is 48 more years. Saying “oh you still have so much time” is really dismissive. She has a lot less time than other people.
Anecdata
It’s not “think on the bright side, 30 years is a long time!”; it’s “you have time to make these decisions, you can give yourself a while to process and figure out what you really want – and what you want & need might change over that time”
Anon
For those of you who are saying it’s not intended as toxic positivity, I will just note that the posts with people who are going through something similar do not seem to contain statements that 20-30 years is a long time, and that the OP does seem to feel like she doesn’t have as much time left as she’d like. Of course any of us could have something terrible happen at any moment, but most people in their mid-30s who are otherwise healthy will live more than 20 more years. It’s a shock to find out that you don’t fall into the “otherwise healthy” bucket.
Anon
We’re literally responding to her question of “How would you change the way you live your life?” Our answers are that we wouldn’t change a whole lot except for living more in the moment, spending quality time with friends and family, and keeping up with treatment options… for reasons that 20-30 years is a long time from now and anything can happen in the meanwhile. We’re not telling OP it’s not a big deal. We’re telling her there is time to manage the issue and to, well, live life.
Anonymous
I know you mean well, but the bargaining of “maybe it will be longer” or dismissiveness of “it’s still a long time” aren’t actually all that helpful and can often feel hurtful when you’re the one going through it.
OP, I am sorry you are going through this. My advice would be to think through what makes you happy and matters most and identify ways to align your life to increase those points. Committing yourself to a greater cause can also be empowering and fulfilling.
If and when you might be up for it, I also really got a lot of value out of getting to know Deborah James through her podcasts and her books, especially the last one: “How to Live When You Could be Dead.” She has passed now, so it may be too difficult. But as a young mother who was facing terminal bowel cancer, she had a lot of wonderful ideas on creating moments for her kids and practical and inspirational advice on making the most of limited time without giving up hope. I felt like we would have been great friends if we had met. Makes things a little less lonely.
anon
First of all, I’m sorry you are going through this. I have not but family members have. Biggest advice (and I know it is over suggested here) is to seek therapy. Your doc probably already suggested this. You will need to be able to talk to someone outside your circle, this dx is just as traumatic for your spouse. Second piece of advice, don’t make any big decisions for six months. Let it sink in. But, with that said, if you’ve always wanted to take your kids on an epic summer vacation and be irresponsible, go for it. Also, if you need a weekend to process it and get plastered on your back deck, get someone to watch your kids this weekend. There is no right way to do it.
Anon
Oh goodness – that’s awful. I’d find a way to take a few weeks of medical or other leave to focus on yourself. Then, I probably wouldn’t change anything drastically for a year or two while you continue to process this and observe your perspective shift.
Anonymous
Keep working, it keeps your mind sharp. And with all the crazy advances in the life sciences, you may need the $$ for some crazily expensive cure. Have you seen the prices biotech companies are charging for rare disease cures?
Anonymous
Wow, this is… nice.
Anon
I guess you’re not ever planning to retire? If you are, I hope you’ll understand why someone else might want to do that too.
Anon
Not to dismiss the horrible shock this must be but it wouldn’t change my life signficantly, other than the shock of it. Probably it would make me appreciate and spend my time more carefully, but that’s already happened for me (life threatening situation in my 20s). For context I am 35. I have no idea who I will be, or what I will want, or what the world will be like, when I am 55, let alone 65. Besides I am not convinced that making it to 85 is a goal in my life considering how rapidly I saw my grandparents and friends’ parents decline in their 70s. That said I would be concerned if there were serious quality of life adjustments I needed to make between 35 and 55. If I found out I would be sometimes confined to home or sometimes weak for weeks on end I might adjust my living situation and my job. We make those adjustments for all kinds of reasons though (kids, elder care, marriage, preference) so while the reason would not be a chosen reason I would try to frame the changes as doing what is in my best interest for my comfort and happiness.
Anon
Anon 12:05 adding that I would probably also take some time off, not right now when the shock is still so raw, but later when the news has settled a bit, to do something ‘meaningful’. For me that would probably be a dream trip somewhere, for you it might be learning something or a personal retreat of some kind. But something for myself to enjoy and remember a whole lot of joy can happen in 20 years (imagine all you’ve experienced and done in the last 20!)
Anonymous
So sorry. This must be a huge kick in the gut. Two points : 1) That’s a long lead time. As others have said, medical advances are very likely to extend that. Compare life expectancies 20 years ago vs today for cystic fibrosis,HIV , HER positive metastatic breast cancer ( best friend in remission 12 years this week).2) Gently, remember that no one knows if they have 20 good years left. People act like they have infinite time and end up wasting years on bad jobs, bad relationships… it’s a gift to really understand that life is finite and you need to make it count.
Mid West
Because you guys are the best at travel recommendations, hit me with your favorite Switzerland spots. I haven’t been before — I will be dropping my kid off at camp for week in the SW and will be traipsing about at the end of June with a friend. We’re heading to Munich for a few days after camp. I have been there before, albeit a long time ago, so any updated recs for there are also appreciated!
Anon
No recs but please tell me more about this camp in Switzerland!
Anon
Not sure which camp OP is talking about but there is a Scout camp in Switzerland that is the camping trip of my dreams. [So, yes, I’m keeping up my adult volunteer status and my WFA/CPR/AED certifications just so they will happily let me go as a young retiree or if I can get my kids to do it with me.] There is also one somewhere on the Adriatic, maybe in Croatia? #goals
Mid West
It is Kandersteg International Scout Centre — $700 for a week of sleep away camp in the Alps! I mean, also transportation costs to get there… but still. Includes climbing, white water rafting, hiking, sleeping in hut on top of a mountain. So glad I stumbled on this opportunity.
Anon
Wow that sounds awesome, thanks for sharing.
Anon
This sounds incredible!! I’m saving this.
Anon
Please, please report back after the trip!!
Anonymous
Have fun! My son and I got to spend a week at Kandersteg with his scout troop last summer. It was an incredible experience. There were scouts from 93 different countries visiting that week.
Anonymous
A hike to a mountain hut for lunch or even an overnight stay could be really lovely. I also loved the swimming pools in the river and lake around Zurich – the Frauenbaden is totally magical. I think you can swim in rivers in other towns, too.
Anonymous
If you like hiking, we loved Wengen. We used trains and ski gondolas to get around. Stayed at Alpenrose, a family run hotel.
Anon
We really enjoyed hiking above Muerren and Lauterbrunnen.
Anon
I went straight to the Alps. Took the train from Zurich to Lauterbrunnen and just enjoyed the lakes and mountains. It’s touristy for sure, but you’ll lose the crowd once you’re away from the towns and gondolas. Tons of trails to pick and the average tour group doesn’t hike. They’ll only be at certain spots for a photo session.
CMS
We packed light and moved every two days by train. Zurich — Lucerne — Wengen — Zermatt — then on to Italy.
The hiking in the Lauterbrunnen valley was my favorite and my husband preferred Zermatt (and the Matterhorn).
Favorites:
– Mt. Pilatus
– Royal Walk and Panorama Trail
– Schilthorn
– Trummelback Falls
NYCer
Lucerne and Lugano are both beautiful.
Mid West
Thank you all for the recs! I’m pretty excited for both of us… I think I’ll be packing light and trying a few different areas while he is away. And of course, I’ll report back when we return! :)
Anon
My resolution beginning today is to immediately stop reading and collapse all comments on this site relating to protests, Israel, Palestine. I can be informed by news sources without getting dragged into the endless discourse here.
Anon
Thanks for sharing?
Anon
Same! As a Jew, it is particularly difficult but I don’t think these discussions are really helping in any way.
Anon
+1
LES UWS
Personally I find the discussions here are far more comforting than the actual news
But you do you
Anonymous
Haha I’ve been doing it since last October it’s really freeing.
Anon
Same!
Anon
I do this all the time with lots of topics I’m not interested in. I don’t need a bunch of strangers making me upset every morning and I’ve realized I don’t actually have to comment on the things I’m not interested in like paint color choices or whatever.
Anon
I am the only shiksa in a big circle of Jewish friends. The way my friends talk about this is so, so different and much more reasonable than what happens on this board. It’s a good reminder to touch grass and talk to actual people.
Anon
I’ve found my real-life acquaintances (NOT my friends) are much more openly hostile to Jews. Then again, most of them are from Berkeley.
Anon
Well I’m a Berkeleyan and the person you’re responding to. There is no hostility in my friend circle.
Anon
I’m the shiksa in my family :) And a good chunk of my in-laws live in Israel and they are absolutely the nicest people I know (and really dislike Netanyahu and didn’t vote for him). Everyone is kind and reasonable, no one is wishing death or genocide on anyone, everyone is deeply saddened by death everywhere, and mostly want to live their lives in peace. But also, before marrying into a Jewish family, I hadn’t realized how deep their bond to Israel is. Everyone wants to live their life in peace but they have no intention of “returning” anywhere, and the North American Jews I know feel very strongly about the existence of Israel too. I mean I knew that hypothetically, but understand it much better now. I also never experienced antisemitism personally but as the parent of a child with a very Jewish sounding name (despite our non-existent degree of religiosity), it’s definitely been a wake-up call.
Anonymous
Shiksa is an insult you know. It means unclean, not cute blond.
towelie
Welcome. I’m only here to talk about blazers and Talbots so right there with you.
Anon
Solidarity with you.
Anonymous
100% will be doing the same.
Savannah
A review of the Ann Taylor blazer posted here a few weeks ago:https://www.anntaylor.com/clothing/jackets-and-blazers/cata000017/839384.html?priceSort=DES
It was an immediate return for me. Very boxy, much much boxier than the pictures. Also weirdly shiny/metallic, which didn’t come across in the pictures at all. I am a true size 4 in tops and blazers, and this was swimming on me in the body and shoulders, although the arms fit. Bummer. No free shipping/returns so I did pay for postage both ways, and it was a good reminder to stick to my tried and trues for on-line ordering, and for things like this to keep it to in-person try ons.
Anonymous
That’s a shame, it does look so cute online! Agreed on the ‘only in person’ stores – that’s firmly Old Navy, Ann Taylor, the Gap, and Banana Republic for me. Jcrew is hit or miss but at least returns are easy for me with a local store.
Anon
Old Navy/Gap/Banana Republic have free and easy returns so I buy online.
CMS
I also ordered and immediately returned!
Lexi
Thanks for this! I’ve had a negative experience with Ann Taylor’s quality, and promised myself I wouldn’t buy from them again. Appreciate hearing your experience. I’ve had good experiences recently with Banana Republic suiting/work dresses, but overall it seems like quality is way down while prices go way up.
Anonymous
The clothing recommendations on here are really humorously bad.
Amelia Bedelia
Has anyone gotten dressed from “pact”?
I’m being influenced on instagram. It looks like lovely relaxed summer basics that are fair trade.
Can anyone speak to fit and quality?
Anon
I’m wearing their lounge pants right now. Their clothes are good, fit is good, size charts are accurate.
Work Phone
I think some Whole Foods stores carry them, so you might be able to check them out in-person.
NYNY
I like Pact a lot, but some things are hit or miss on fit. Their clothes tend to run long, which is great if you’re tall, but means at 5’4″ I need to look at the length on a tall model and imagine it 4-6″ longer on me. I have a midi dress from a few seasons ago that was at the knee on the model. I prefer it longer on my body, and it has held up really well with frequent wear for two summers. But another dress that looked like a midi on the model was floor-length on me.
The clothes are made in India, so shipping takes some time and goes through DHL to the USPS. It’s not terrible – generally a week to 10 days – but you shouldn’t expect it in 2-3 days.
A
I am very into sustainability and it was a no for me.
Anonymous
I really like the double gauze dress I got — I like the jersey one less so. The jersey runs a little smaller than the gauze.
anon
Thoughts on accepting (or not) a seat on a panel when you are very, very blatantly being called on to be the token woman? Exposure is good for what I do but I’m pretty annoyed because the nature and wording of the exact ask is fairly blatant.
Anon
See if you can get travel and a good room comped. I will take any seat at any table if it gets me before people who matter.
Like if I were interviewed for a head coaching job per the Rooney Rule, I’d go.
Me
+1. I would acccept if it gives exposure that would be beneficial to you. I also would be looking for the organizer to cover my expenses. Because apparently they need a woman, perhaps more than you need the panel.
Cb
I’d go for the exposure but would definitely be annoyed by it. I say no if I’m asked to moderate a bunch of men though.
ANon
+1, definitely don’t get sucked in to any extra work on this.
S
That’s a really shortsighted view. Being present on panels is how to grow your professional network. The people around you and in the audience may hold your next hire, boss, mentor or mentee. Being absent from that room perpetuates disparity and only holds you back further from breaking into the club.
Not your job—but visibility also helps in the bigger sense of normalizing women in power roles. The more I see women leading, speaking, etc. the more real these opportunities feel.
Doing these sorts of things can have tremendous personal reward (connections, resume) and contribute to a greater good.
Cb
I’ve been invited as a moderator on a panel of 4 men. At one point, they were arguing over my head. I don’t think that type of exposure is helpful.
But generally I’ll agree to a substantive role, even if I’m the token woman.
Anonymous
Disagree, it’s actively not helpful for a woman to be the moderator for a panel of men.
anonshmanon
I’d be so much more excited to watch a panel with one woman than with none.
Anon
That’s the organizer’s problem, not OP’s.
anonshmanon
To a large extent yes. But in case it matters to OP, there hopefully will be people like me in the audience, who would see her as more than a token, and genuinely would like to hear her thoughts.
Anon
people have made that ask of me; I’ve gone and done the panels; I am always very glad I did.
Anon
I’d raise that with the person asking; confirm you will have an equal and substantive role as other participants; confirm you feel comfortable that the moderator and other participants won’t box you out; and assuming the actual opportunity is a good one, take the panel – what good does it do to say no?
Anonymous
And ask for expenses + honorarium. The men will too. Your value here is your expertise PLUS the genderwashing value you provide to the organizers.
Anonymous
You’ve clearly never had to book panels. Travel and accommodation much less honorarium is usually decided well, well in advance as part of event budgeting and has zero to do with the individual. And OP gave zero background—national panel, regional or state? Few speakers are at the level to be paid a speaking fee and most of those fees are set through a bureau not the booker.
Anon
As an audience member, I’m irritated when every panel is a manel. Do it for the audience, or for the exposure of whatever works for you. If it’s good for your career, do it
Anonymous
The first invite may be because you provide diversity; the next invitation will be because you were a thoughtful panelist. Take the invite and use it to expand your network.
Anon
Exactly.
Nesprin
State that you only contribute to panels when there’s at least 2 women or people of color on the panel.
Anon
I disagree. Speaking on panels is how you get chosen to speak on future panels. That’s how we will get more women panelists in the future. Don’t say no to opportunities today.
Anonymous
No, this is what *men* need to do for their industry.
Anon
I’ve made some of my men friends in the industry more aware of the issue. Luckily my men friends are not cretins so they listened. The last panel one of my friends asked me to be on had three women and two men. I work in a male dominated industry to that’s real progress.
Cb
A minor annoyance but perhaps one people have experience with. I would like to listen to podcasts on Alexa, I currently use the pocket cast app. However, I’ve broken my brain by listening to things at 1.5 playback speed, and everything is distractingly slow now. Pocket cast doesn’t let you increase playback speed on the Alexa app, but maybe another app people are using would?
Anon
You can use the standard Apple podcast app with Alexa.
Ses
I’ve broken my brain in the other direction by listening to podcasts at 0.6 when I’m trying to go to sleep and now everyone sounds like chipmunks. 😂
Heavy hearted
My best friend just found out that 9 family members (a grandparent, aunt/uncle, cousin/spouse and cousin’s young children ) passed away suddenly, although not necessarily unexpectedly, last night. She is obviously in shock and devastated and I don’t know what to do.
For context, she and I met at Penn and lived together from freshman year on. She is now a professional degree student at, while I’m in a (fancy) new job on the other side of the country. I haven’t seen her in person since starting almost a year ago. I think this is …fly to be with her news? I am at a loss on how to handle the work side of things, as this is my first major personal crisis while employed – and it isn’t my family, so perhaps extra complicated.
Thoughts? Tips? Adulting – and just the world – is so dang hard sometimes.
Anon
I am so so sorry for your friend’s loss. From he description of who died, I’m wondering if her family members are Gazan? I would absolutely try to fly to be with her if she is open to your visiting, but otherwise sending gift cards for takeout food/anything that would help her get through the daily motions of living.
Anonymous
Why would you assume this is Gaza vs Ukraine or Sudan? Especially Sudan with so many millions of people affected.
Anon
Why would you assume this is Gaza vs Ukraine or Sudan? Especially Sudan with so many millions of people affected.
Anon
It’s telling that people leap to that and not any of the other wars going on.
Anon
Omg these comments are starting to reek of whataboutism. She asked a simple question and you have no answer yourself, so lay off. People can be sad about Gaza. She was wondering, not “assuming”
Anon
I posted the response wondering if they’re Gazan-yes, all of you are absolutely right that the deceased family members could be in Ukraine, Sudan, Myanmar. I suppose being a graduate student at Columbia, Jewish etc. etc. Israel/Palestine is just where my mind automatically went to as it’s the main thing I’m thinking about. Regardless, a tragedy and may they rest in peace and may all civilians in these conflict zones find safety.
Anon
+1 the whataboutism is OOC. I already collapse the Israel/Palestine threads. Do I have to collapse them all, now?
Anon
THIS is what you are focused on in this post? Does the idea that 9 members of a single family died in Gaza (and yes, I am willing to go out on a limb and make an educated guess that it was indeed Gaza), and that it was not even unexpected, make you feel uncomfortable about how vigorously you have been defending the IDF? If so, good. It should.
Anon
Can we also talk about how it absolutely doesn’t effing matter to the question if the family was Gazan or not? It’s creepy rubbernecking to even ask that question.
Anon
It’s quite surprising to hear about a family that had 9 people die at once, not unexpectedly (eg, not a house fire, or a car accident, etc). OP doesn’t have to answer, but this is an anonymous message board so seems fine to wonder.
Heavy hearted
OP here, yep, Gaza. I’ve bought a plane ticket there for right after work and will re-assess when to come home after seeing her/getting a feel for what her needs are. Thank you all for “giving me permission” to do what my heart really wants to do; it means a lot coming from this board specifically, where the high-intensity job context is well understood!
Anon
I’d get on a plane and get there if you can, even if that’s just for 24 hours over the weekend. Showing up means the world to people-if you can be there, be there.
As for work, really depends on the culture of your workplace. If I told my boss my best friend had a family crisis and I’m going to be with her, take Friday off, stay the weekend, Ann’s then work remote from there on Monday and be back in the office on Tuesday, she’d totally support it
NY CPA
+1 if you can make it work, showing up is the most meaningful thing you can do. People remember who moved heaven and earth to be with them when it mattered. That kind of loss is unimaginable to me, and I would want my best friends with me if I could.
Caroline
For work, be vague. If you can, just say family emergency. Or take it as a sick day.
I agree that this is fly-to-be-with-her news. This is so awful. There may also be a lot of logistics and it can be helpful for someone close but not to close to take care of them. Like when a cousin’s husband died his college best friend (I think?) handled a lot the logistics.
That’s actually a good example – this was my mom’s first cousins’ husband but I lived geographically much closer so I went to the hospital and then the funeral. I just said “I have to leave for a family emergency” and didn’t get into exactly who it was.
Anonymous
Book a flight tonight after work and come home Sunday night or Monday morning. That’s still solid time with her.
Anon
Yes, for a best friend it’s fly to be with her news.
Vicky Austin
I think this is fly to be with her news. Nine family members! Nine! That is unbelievable bereavement. See what your boss will allow you to do.
Hypatia
Some employers have more inclusive bereavement policies and I’d check what yours is. Otherwise I would call in sick and be with my friend.
Anon
My HR department wouldn’t count this as bereavement-qualifying leave, but my boss would be unequivocally supportive of me dropping everything to go be with my BFF who tragically lost 9 family members at one time. I might have to take PTO, might be able to respond to emails while remote just enough to consider it a WFH day, but regardless we would make it work.
OP, I am so sorry and hope you are able to be there to be supportive of your friend.
Anon
I’m so sorry for her loss. Absolutely fly to be with her. I would offer to take over some cooking and cleaning, and I’d make some frozen meals she can easily reheat in the difficult days and weeks (and months) ahead.
Anonymous
Tween formalwear- what brand(s) of white sneakers are your girls wearing with their dresses?
Anon
My city has a lot of AF1s and I see some matched Chuck Taylors. The rich people still wear GG.
emeralds
Vejas.
Anonymous
Adidas. But honestly most of the girls I know in that age group are wedded to their black high top platform converse.
Colorado
Converse
Fun shopping question
Help me please. My MIL is buying me a new piece of clothing for summer, $300 budget, and wants it to be something special. I almost always thrift and don’t buy new so this is hard for me. Brands I like are Apiece Apart, AllSaints, La Ligne, some stuff from Reformation. I’m early 40s, young kids, 5’3, size small but not XS. Anywhere else I’m missing to look? Thanks.
OP
Also she’s Venmo-ing me the cash so if it’s a bit over budget that’s fine!
Anon
That is an awesome gift !
VVex
Consider getting a trench coat, bag, or something similar that you’ll wear and enjoy for years.
OP
I know, she’s the best! She is a fashion person and is handing down to me over time some amazing Celine and Acne bags (I carry a $20 uniqlo crescent bag full of kid snacks, so this is a bit above my pay grade) – so I don’t actually need a bag. A trench is an interesting idea!
Anon
I’d go the other direction and get a fun summer dress. $300 doesn’t go that far and won’t get you a trenchcoat that’s built for years of wear. Alternatively, if you’re into sweaters, that could get you started on a nice cashmere one. I’d look at Linguia Franca.
OP
I am the OP and agree on summer dress. Thanks for the reco, will look it up!
Anon
The Sezane trench coat would fit the bill. Burberry isn’t the only game in town!
Anon
I like Sezane, but the quality isn’t there
Anonymous
I’m sale stalking this dress. Hillary Kerr swore by it last summer as being very comfy and easy to wear:
https://www.thereformation.com/products/tagliatelle-linen-dress/1310275RIV.html?dwvar_1310275RIV_color=RIV&_gl=1*1v33cdx*_up*MQ..&gclid=CjwKCAjwoa2xBhACEiwA1sb1BPJExi7hPHi7-jw95rKPAXzqGvwUr74iljdJQMIl4NL73O83TUD1FxoCoUkQAvD_BwE
Anon
Is there anything that you want or particularly need? I always see dresses online at Reformation or Cult Gaia that are outside my price range but would love to buy one! I can justify spending $300 on a handbag bc I will get so much use out of it but a unique dress is more of a fun splurge.
Anon
I’d get a light trench coat or similar, a very nice blazer, pricy shoes, or nice sunglasses.
Anonymous
Is it important to her that it is a new item, or does she want you to splurge?
If splurge is the point, maybe something from poshmark also might work, if you could get a luxury steal that would be out of your normal budget?
Anon
A Hermes scarf, covering the difference with your own funds?
pink nails
:) This was my first thought too, spurred by Senior Attorney’s thread yesterday. SA – I have never wanted a Hermes scarf until I went and looked yesterday! IDK whether to thank or curse you (in good humor, of course!).
Senior Attorney
Haha they were never on my radar either, until somebody gave me one a few years ago. I haven’t ponied up for another one (yet) but I wear the heck out of the one I have and love it!
Anonymous
Can you go to a mall and select some things in person. I really don’t find that online shopping works well for me. I return most things. If you don’t shop often, I’d try to look in person unless you’re very familiar with how your listed brands already fit, from your thrifting.
Anon
Professor Chemerinsky published a piece in the Atlantic today, “No One Has A Right to Protest in My Home.” I think it’s worth a read. Excerpt below, asterisk emphasis mine:
“The student insisted that she had free-speech rights. But our home is not a forum for free speech; it is our own property, and the First Amendment—which constrains the government’s power to encroach on speech on public property—does not apply at all to guests in private backyards. The dinner, which was meant to celebrate graduating students, was obviously disrupted. Even if we had held the dinner in the law-school building, no one would have had a constitutional right to disrupt the event. I have taught First Amendment law for 44 years, and as many other experts have confirmed, this is not a close question.
Some attendees sympathetic to the student-group leader recorded a video. An excerpt of it appeared on social media and quickly went viral. Soon newspapers and magazines published stories about it. Some commentators have criticized my wife for trying to get hold of the microphone. Some have said that I just should have let the student speak for as long as she wanted. But in all of the dinners we have held over more than 15 years, not once has anyone attempted to give a speech. *We had no reason to change the terms of the dinner to accommodate someone from an organization that put up anti-Semitic images of me*.”
https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2024/04/campus-protest-first-amendment-berkeley/678186/
anon.
When this happened a couple of weeks ago I posted in response to the main post on it that this incident frightened me and someone responded curtly that she didn’t understand why. It’s the total lack of understanding of the first amendment by these educated law students, the mob mentality, and the absolute certainty of their righteousness. In combination with a few thousand years of societal antisemitism, it’s just a lot. Yes, you can “criticize Israel” and not be antisemitic. But that’s not what this was. At all.
Anon
Yeah, I agree. It’s scary to watch as a Jew.
You can criticize Israel and not be antisemitic. For example, I have a lot of critiques of Netanyahu’s judicial reforms, his marriage with the ultra-conservative right, and the lack of will in Israel to deal with the tension between the Orthodox and otherwise secular Israeli jews. Also of the settlements in the West Bank.
But somehow we’ve moved into a world in which young, progressive students will say things about Jews that if said about any other group, or done to any other group, would prompt immediate response, and instead we have hand wringing over free speech (where was that when it was comments about other groups?) and people saying the actions on October 7th were “resistance”.
I think the war is a tragedy, and I think there’s more Israel could do to mitigate humanitarian consequences to rooting out Hamas. But for some people it seems to be an excuse to show how much they hate Jews.
Lily
Ok, so in order to not be called an antisemite, I am allowed to criticize the west bank settlements and the judicial reforms, but not IDF’s brutal war on Gaza, IDF’s strike on World Central Kitchen, and other human rights abuses. Got it. Thanks.
anon.
You’re “allowed to criticize” whatever you want. You also must face repercussions for it and can’t claim it’s all “protected” in someone’s private home. This isn’t the point of this thread.
Anon
You’re “allowed to criticize” whatever you want. You also must face repercussions for it and can’t claim it’s all “protected” in someone’s private home. This isn’t the point of this thread.
Anon
Right. It’s never made sense to me that people attacking random Jews in Ohio or California or Pennsylvania are just “criticizing the Israeli government.”
Anon
I feel so sad about this. I am hugely critical of Israel’s conduct in the past few months but this protest was totally out of line, and targeted at one of the biggest advocates for students that exists in legal academia. Just awful.
Anonymous
Ugh this stuff is so scary. Reminds me of the opening scene from the 3 body problem.
Spot the diff
This looks just like the dress posted on Wednesday in color and style, if not in price and value
Anon
Nope this one is casual and would work for the beach, whereas the Wednesday one was formal and more put together. Miles apart in my opinion.
Anon
Hahaha I’m looking forward to seeing literally anyone on the beach in this obvious work dress.
Anon
It looks like t-shirt jersey material, and I could definitely see it working as a beach coverup with some flip flops, a big hat, and sunglasses.
Anon
Ok but you would absolutely be the most ridiculous looking person on the beach.
Anon
LOL nobody is wearing this to the beach.
Anon
You think today’s dress looks like a work dress?!
Anon
You *DON’T think
towelie
The cut is too conservative for the beach but I agree that the fabric is totally different. I wouldn’t wear this one to work because that kind of fabric looks too s*xy on me and the sleeves show how cheap and thin the fabric is. I wouldn’t wear the Wednesday one because it’s plastic/depressing but it’s appropriate I guess.
Anon
+1
Runcible Spoon
Lots of colors are sold out for those of us who take size “L,” but Barbie Pink was still available, at last check!
Ashley
Over the past year I’ve gone from not managing a team to now (with some new hires) managing 5 people. I was excited that I wouldn’t have to do IC work anymore, and therefore would have more available time, but it does seem like now I’ll have more “managing” tasks to do, so it might end up being the same amount of time. Managers, did you feel this way when your team grew?
Cat
Managing takes more work than my IC work does for sure. You’re trying to get into people’s heads to keep them motivated, serving as a point of escalation for issues, handling all the HR behind the scenes, etc.
Clementine
Oh man. I remember thinking that, but one of the challenges for me (and subsequently for the managers I manage going from IC to leading a team) is remembering that you’re not supposed to be the one in the weeds. You were probably good at your IC role… teaching somebody else how to do elements of that role when they almost certainly won’t do it like you did or as well as you did it.
The hardest thing is often that you didn’t do the work yourself but are responsible for the actual product. So, you need to get very good at reviewing the work of others for errors but also make sure you’re teaching them how to catch those errors. The first year or two as a manager is HARD but focus on developing strong basic skills (for me analytic skills) and you’ll start to really see the payoff.
Ashley
I may have misrepresented things a little – I like being a manager a lot more than I liked being an IC! But yes, sometimes I wonder why things are taking so long.
The funny thing is when there were fewer people in my team I did have to be in the weeds sometimes, but yeah now I don’t have to at all.
Anon
I am sort of a natural born mentor (oldest child) so I always enjoyed managing people. Managing 42 was a bit much, but mainly just a pain around performance review time.
In my experience, one key to being a good manager is to let people do the work, and to let them present their own work. I run into my former direct and indirect reports at conferences pretty regularly, and maybe the ones who didn’t like me wouldn’t tell me, but hearing from people that I was the best boss they ever had is my number one most fond memory of my entire career
Mint as cellphone provider
I have Ting and am considering switching to Mint to get data included and (hopefully) better customer service. Anyone made the switch and care to weigh in?
anonshmanon
no advice but I am considering the same switch!
Anon
Not familiar with Ting, but my husband and I have had Mint for 4 years. It has worked really well in the US, and I travel frequently. It hasn’t worked well/at all abroad, even when I bought the international roaming package, so I’ve bought SIMs in other countries. Still worth it to us!
Happy Mint User
I love Mint! Have had for 3+ years and it works great. I also recently used the International plan, which used to be a huge pain, but worked great in 4 European countries last month! (I have no connection to the company other than being a customer.)
Anonymous
I didn’t have good cell signal with Mint when I tried it a few years ago. Maybe their coverage expanded since then. I used to get dropped calls all the time in Houston and outside of the city very little signal.
Anon
Never had Ting. Mint’s customer service was good (though I occasionally needed it, but the same was true paying much more to Verizon, whose customer service was not good).
Moose
Looking for lightweight blazers/jackets/3rd pieces I can wear to my business casual job, erring on the side of more formal if possible. I live in the south, so it’s warm or hot most of the time, but I still like to have a topper for my work outfits. Any favorites? Recently purchased an unlined linen blazer.
Anon
I would check out your local Dillards! That was my go-to for third pieces when I lived in NC. Kind of church lady/grandma, yes, but I always found something.
Anon
Didn’t Dillards go out of business? I agree though it was a good source for things like this.
Anon
Say what? Dillard’s is very much in business.
Anon
Would you buy frozen and/or refrigerated food at Trader Joe’s if it was a 1 hour drive home and you forgot your cooler bags?
Nesprin
Yes.
Z
I would buy another cooler bag while at Trader Joe’s.
Anon
+1. I think refrigerated would be fine for an hour. Frozen would likely start to thaw and at the least would change the consistency of the product
Anon
Also, many TJ’s sell frozen bottles of water for just this purpose. They are about $0.39 each and are meant to be ice packs for a long drive.
Anonymous
Yes. I think they are $6.99.
Anon
Maybe not ice cream, but anything else, yes.
Anon
+1
anon
+1
Anonymous
Not ice cream or anything else where the texture would really suffer if they thawed/refroze, but almost anything else. It’s chilly on the East Coast today, so I can’t imagine your car is going to be very warm.
Anon
Yes of course. An hour won’t cause any harm. Pack the frozen/cold stuff together.
NYCer
+1. I wouldn’t worry about this at all.
OP
Thanks all – my instinct was that it would be fine to buy everything except ice cream (which I can’t buy even with the cooler bags) but I tend to be kind of lax about food safety so I wanted a gut check.
I’m in the Midwest but it’s chilly here today too.
Anon
Please send some good wishes into the universe for me, I am really hoping to get a job I interviewed for! It’s needed, and it would be a good one.
Anon
Vibes to you!!
Anon
Fingers crossed for you!!
Senior Attorney
Good vibes coming your way!!