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Updated: Feb 12, 2021 311 Comments · by

Wednesday’s Workwear Report: Trench Dress

The Personal Shopper (TPS) |

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This swingy trench dress from Club Monaco is a fun twist on your typical shirtdress. The notched lapels add something special to the V-neck, and the matching belt gives some great waist definition.

The dress is made of 100% cupro, a “regenerated” fabric made from recycled cotton waste, so this should be super breathable and comfy.

The dress is $107.60 at Nordstrom, marked down from $269, and available in sizes 00–14.

Eloquii has a trench dress that comes in sizes 18W–28W and is on sale for $77.98, marked down from $129.95.

Sales of note for 9.30.24

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Elizabeth

Elizabeth is a 30-something lawyer living on the East Coast. She spent seven years as a Biglaw associate in NYC, three years as a partner at a medium-sized firm, and is now in-house counsel for a large company. She loves Diet Coke, '90s sitcoms, and dresses with pockets.

Comments

  1. Anonymous

    I have near constant tension in my neck and shoulders. Massages were nice (pre-pandemic) and seemed to help but any relief was always temporary. I swear I hang onto this tension even when I sleep. Has anyone else dealt with this and does anything help?

    • Anon

      Get a tennis ball and use it for trigger point massage! I miss massages so much but my shoulders are the one spot I can really hit at home.

      • Anon

        i was trying to do this the other day, but it is hard for me to reach – what is your technique?

        • Anon

          I’m the tennis ball OP. I usually lay on my back and finagle the tennis ball under my shoulder. I then move around a bit until I hit a good spot, and then keep pressure on that spot for a bit. I think other people will do the same thing against a wall.

        • anon

          My massage therapist suggested putting the lacrosse ball into a pillowcase – then you can dangle it behind you and push up against the wall without worrying that it will fall.

    • Anon

      My body turns everything (stress, deydration, etc) into shoulder and neck tension and then tension migranes. My sister got me the Naipo Shiatsu Back and Neck Massager from Amazon for Christmas and it’s AMAZING. It’s large, but you can get great leverage and it has helped me SO MUCH.

    • Anon

      I find that heat helps more than anything else- showers and heating pads. I have one that wraps around my neck and shoulders. I sometimes use the stick-on thermacare pads on my shoulders when I’m at work and can’t use a heating pad. It also helps to stretch your chest muscles- I like to lie on my back on a foam roller or do the doorframe stretch (you can google this, though I usually have to do it one sided since I’m not wide enough to reach across my doorframes). Tennis ball or other trigger point massage tools are good too. It might also be worth consulting with a physical therapist and they can give you some more specific advice if those things don’t help.

    • Same

      A combo of a theragun, I have the Compex version that is a lot cheaper, and a tens unit (also the Compex brand). I also do a ton of yoga and meditation. Slather my shoulders and jaw down with biofreeze. Lots of yoga.

    • Ellen

      I also have this tension in my neck and shoulders, which comes largely from working on the computer all day, even tho I have an ergenomic desk, b/c I often move my work to my iPad and MacBook when I lay on my bed.

      My secret to getting rid of it is through heating pads and Myrna’s neck and shoulder rubs when she is over at my apartement. The heating pad loosen’s up my neck and Myrna has magical fingers that initially feel rough but actually do the job very well. She learned how to do this when she was on the gymnastic’s team in College from other gymnasts. She remains very much atheletic to this day and has the flexibility to do stuff that I never would even attempt on my best days! I am very lucky to have Myrna to hang out with during the pandemic, as she is very smart about things. YAY Myrna!!!!

    • Anon

      I used to have chronic tension there too. I did a few sessions of physical therapy and, though I was suspect of PT overall, but it honestly worked wonders.

    • No Problem

      You need to find the cause of the tension in the first place. Make sure your desk setup and chair are giving you good posture. My desk at work is too high for me, even with raising the chair and adding a foot rest, and I was having constant upper back and shoulder tension. Switched to WFH a year ago and now I’m using my sit/stand desk that actually LOWERS a few inches to be correct for me and voila! No more pain. You may need a different chair, a foot rest, or a monitor riser, depending on your height. Your keyboard is supposed to be at your waist so your arms are at a 90 degree angle when typing. If you have to raise your arms or shoulders to type, the desk is too high for you. Also the top of your monitor should be level with your eyes. If it’s lower than that, it’s too low.

    • Anone

      Yoga has helped me with this. The practice itself helps ease a lot of upper body tension via stretching, and it also brings awareness to correct posture. I discovered that when I was lying on my side in bed, I was actually using incorrect posture in allowing my shoulders to slump forward and upward. Now I try to consciously lower my shoulders when lying down and keep my shoulders aligned. It sounds odd, but it has really helped me wake up feeling refreshed.

    • Marie

      Suggestions of yoga and stretching before bed are good ideas. Also going to suggest taking regular baths might help loosen your muscles. Another issue you might consider is whether you are clenching your jaw or grinding your teeth in your sleep, which would cause you to wake up with stiffness and tension. A mouthguard could help with that. Another practical an easy change could be your pillow with your neck being in an awkward or unsupported position as you sleep. I like a contour pillow for neck support if you suspect this might be the case.

    • Anon

      The only way out is using anti inflammatories and muscle relaxers around the clock (yes, set an alarm in the middle of the night to take another dose, don’t let them wear out) for 2-3 days until your neck relaxes. You need some Rx flexeril for the muscle relaxant but OTC anti inflammatories/NSAIDs will work, though you can take prescription level doses. I like to take Aleve.

      This is what finally fixed my neck after a year of physical therapy and chiropractic treatments. They finally referred me to a pain specialist and she said that the neck continues to injure itself because it tenses up to avoid pain. You have to let it be absolutely pain free for a good period of time in order to let it heal itself.

      This worked for me in three days after a year + of misery. Three days! It was like a miracle to me. I really had to commit to it, so like a long weekend of doing pretty much nothing, but since then I’ve only had minor problems with my neck, which I can usually fix with a day of round the clock NSAIDs and rest.

  2. Cb

    Holy smokes, I just finished Danielle Evan’s short story collection The Office of Historical Corrections and it was incredible. I know pandemic reading is tricky but short stories might fit the bill.

    • anon a mouse

      Yes I finished that last week! Her writing is so good. The story about the white college student…. WHEW.

      A friend recommended her earlier book, Before You Suffocate Your Own Fool Self, and I’m going to pick that up this weekend.

    • Carrots

      The Stacks podcast had this as their January book club pick and had some great insight into it as well!

    • pugsnbourbon

      I LOVE short story collections. I always nabbed those “Best American” collections at library booksales growing up.

    • Senior Attorney

      +1 Amazing book!

      I just finished Deacon King Kong by James McBride and loved it.

    • Anon

      I love short stories so much. Alice Munro is probably my all time favorite author.

  3. Anonymous

    I have a question to the moms of 20 somethings and think of them as ‘kids’ or other less than capable descriptors. Do you view your colleagues of similar ages through the same lens?

    • Anon

      I don’t view them through the same lens. My 20-something colleagues are just that, and they are an outstanding group. My kids are my kids, and they are outstanding, too, but I am still, and will forever, be their mother first. Both groups juggle a lot, and I respect the challenges they face.

    • Anon

      I don’t think of my kids in their 20s as incapable, nor do I view my colleagues that way. However, someone in their 20s can be incapable, as can someone in their 50s. It’s an individual thing, and if someone in their 20s is incapable (my own kids or anyone else) that’s a legitimate judgment regardless of age. Same with a person in their 50s. Clearly a person with one year in the workforce doesn’t have the experience of someone with 20 years, but the person with 1 year of experience can be a better worker.

      Is it controversial to say: some jobs do require judgment and knowledge that comes with experience, which is why 25 year olds who are doing a fantastic job can’t automatically be promoted to VP level or higher. This is not intended to keep jobs open for the old and feeble, despite what the 25 year olds might think.

      • Anon

        Way to make assumptions about what 25 year olds think. I think your assumption is inaccurate and frankly, not what OP was getting at.

        • Anon

          It’s not an assumption when I’ve heard it multiple times from 25 year olds in the workplace. Anecdotal, yes, but not an assumption

        • Nexus

          I think it’s still pertinent to what OP asked. If you want to know how 20-somethings are viewed in the workplace in any way that is “less than capable,” this is usually the biggest differentiator among those who are the brightest. Lack of field experience sometimes hurts judgment (but is obtained over time).

    • Anon

      Not at all. They are my colleagues. These 20 somethings all come from varied backgrounds and experience so there isn’t a constant comparison to my own adult children. It is my responsibility to develop these colleagues for greater roles at the company. It is never a good idea to think of parenting them, despite having parenting experience that helps me be a better coach and leader of these colleagues.

    • Away Game

      Most people in their early-mid 20s (including my kids and my younger colleagues) are perfectly capable of learning things. They are not yet capable of doing things they have not yet learned or figured out. My role with each is different. For my colleagues – and the younger ones are my staff, not peers – it’s my job to train and provide the resources so they become capable of XYZ for the company. How to find the right dentist is not my lane, but I know of thingslike our employee resources office that they may not know about. Sometimes my role is teaching directly, sometimes it’s being more patient while they figure things out. I have a new employee in his late 40s. I have the same job with him, although honestly his learning curve on most things is steeper than some of the younger new employees and there are things he already knows to do well that they don’t. I have staff and peers who will not be great at x but may be fantastic at y.

      For my kids, they also have strengths and weaknesses but my role is different. I will advise if asked, and provide unasked for opinions if I see something I can help them with easily. (First mortgage is scary, I agree. Here is how we found our mortgage broker, YMMV. That running toilet is probably costing you money. I think I can show you how to fix it with a $5 part and spare you the water bill and the $150 plumber visit fee.) Then my job is to shut up and let them deal unless they ask again.

    • Anonymous

      I’m 37 and think of people in their 20s as kids. And still consider them perfectly capable colleagues.

    • Anon

      I’m transitioning my scouts to an older group where activities are scout-leg (vs adult-led) and it has been great as a parent and as a worker. They have to be able to make some low-level mistakes and our job is to support them in making good (or better) decisions and being Yoda-like, but letting them grow on their own.

      I do agree though that if you are young, there can be a bit of “I am rocking being a 25YO VP of something insignificant, clearly the C-suite is mine next year,” but that tends to be the most naive of the cohort (and somehow, also the most vocal). OTOH, not every job has growth potential or promotion potential, so spotting that and merging elsewhere is a vital skill (but you need to do that, not expect others to slot you where they think you should be). I do know one person with a “talent planning” job, which is screening current employees for promotion potential, but it didn’t see like something I’d rely on playing out for my career path.

    • Anon

      For me, this is emotionally loaded. My family’s insistence on treating me “like a kid” is part of the reason that we are estranged. I cannot begin to describe how peaceful life is without that crap. One of my coping mechanisms has been to ALWAYS treat people younger than I am with respect; it’s not their fault that they are 16 or 25, and it’s remarkable how people will rise to the occasion when treated as an adult.

      • Anon

        But I have always treated my kids with respect . . . And respected that different levels of autonomy are appropriate at different ages. To me, it sounds like your family failed to treat you with respect.

        • Anon

          Well, yes, and part of that disrespect was treating me “like a kid” when I was in my 20s and 30s. Another part was perpetually treating me as “less mature than” my sister, who is two years older, because she was two years older. That inevitably crashed into fiery oblivion when she was addicted to drugs and flunking out of school and I had my act together.

          My point is that treating people based on their age is a dicey business. I say this as a mother.

    • Anonymous

      The most mature 20-somethings are those who realize that there are things they don’t know. Many of these people are the ones who have been 100% financially responsible for themselves at non-biglaw salaries for a few years without parents who can bail them out, and/or have worked jobs like retail.

      • Anonymous

        This is me for sure. By mid 20s I had been living on my own for 10+ years and working just as long with a degree I paid for myself. I also managed to buy a house in a HCOL city and get married in that time.

    • Anon

      In a way. I view my younger colleagues as adults. They’re earning a paycheck, usually not living with their parents, commuting to work and doing normal adult things. However, that doesn’t mean they don’t have a lot to learn. I’m a very mentor-y sort of manager. My goal is to hire and train people good enough to be my boss someday. But that path takes longer than many of them, who have always excelled at everything, think it will take.

      The ones who realize they have a lot to learn tend to have the most potential. The ones who think they know it all from day one tend to be less successful in the long run. The more you learn, the less you realize you know.

      But none of this is about whether they are full adults or not. A lot of it is just getting used to work life after college life, which can be a steep learning curve for some.

  4. Ses

    I’m not the poster, but I just wanted to say thank you to everyone who jumped on that thread the other day responding to the sub-thread commenter who had thoughts of self-harm. The immediate kindness from multiple people brought tears to my eyes.
    I am so grateful for the kindness of this community I’ve seen over the years. Yes, we snipe at each other for our tone and opinions, but when the chips are down there is often a beautiful mix of kindness and tough love. I personally benefitted from that years ago and love to see it still alive here.
    That’s all – I hope everyone has a good day and week.

  5. Anonymous

    I am going into my casual office tomorrow and will be working late. It will be rainy. What footwear to wear with skinny jeans (or boot it’s) or cords? Or is it sweater dress + tights + boots? I have worn just leggings since Thanksgiving. With socks and either sneakers or crocs.

    Top will either be a turtleneck (sweater or shirt).

    • Anon

      If you’re walking/using public transit I would wear rain boots and bring cute sneakers.

      Otherwise just sneakers.

      • Anonymous

        Some of the stuff that is crowdsourced here is so funny. I am 100% positive that this poster can figure out what shoes to wear on a rainy day without input from the hive.

        • anne-on

          For those of us reading from the aughts there were these things called ‘pants clips’ that were discussed here as a way to solve the ‘how do I not have to stuff my dress pants into rainboots or let them drag on my way into the office because they are hemmed for heels not my commuting shoes’. Ahh, memories.

      • Kitten

        IDK I’m mildly interested in the responses just to see what people have been wearing recently. I much rather read this than random people’s COVID opinions.

      • No Face

        Perhaps she is asking for fashion advice on this fashion blog.

        OP, my personal view is that nothing is in or out of style at this stage in the pandemic if that is your concern. I have worn skinny jeans and sneakers into the office lately. Pre-pandemic I would have gone with the sweater dress outfit.

    • LaurenB

      I don’t understand this question. It’s a casual office, you’re working late, wear whatever shoes you want. Presumably you’ve encountered rain before – which just means no open-toe and no suede, but anything else is fair game.

    • anne-on

      I always used to do knee high leather boots plus tights/skirt or dress for commuting in the rain. It was easier to wipe down boots and/or change tights if it was a true downpour than deal with pants that got both stained AND sopping wet in gross subway water/dirty puddles.

    • Anon

      I usually default to ankle boots (booties?) in the rain, but if I was in a city with deep puddles I would probably go for the dress + tall boots combo.

      • Kitten

        If I used public transport and lived somewhere that actually got a lot of rain I’d use it as an excuse to buy rag and bone moto rain boots :)

  6. Anon

    My work schedules lunch meetings at lunch (not surprising), in person, in the office. If you are working remotely (or possibly eating remotely, given concerns re unmasked spread), you can Zoom in. But I’m WFH because our schools have never gone back, so lunch is just a hot mess now b/c it is now a bit of a family meal / supervising cooking / I have to eat myself, so it’s not a good zoom atmosphere and time. I guess at some point someone complain re me missing, but I think I’m stuck just trying to get my legit work done (meetings =/= work to me, but not to all in management). Ugh. Hate this year.

    Cannot wait for the “you’ve not really been a good team player” this year when I’m legit just trying not to drown.

    • Anon

      I definitely don’t have time during the business day to do what I would refer to as “cooking” for lunch. I throw together a sandwich or gobble some cereal. I don’t think sitting down to a family meal mid-day during the workweek is a realistic idea.

      • LaurenB

        Mid-day “cooking”? I’ve never known anyone who does that, except maybe they did that 100 years ago on the farm when maw whipped up something hearty for paw who was working in the fields and needed a solid meal. What’s wrong with a sandwich for lunch?

    • Anonymous

      No cooking! Why is there cooking?!? Everyone gets a sandwich made in the morning.

      • Anon

        I think this is a way WFH full time has affected people’s lives. It seems so much easier to let morning lunch prep slide and grab a few minutes extra sleep/exercise/paperwork or whatever, but it’s not conducive to daytime meetings. I agree with the others’ suggestions to have discipline about avoiding midday cooking. Or alternatively, order takeout (for the family) as one would for a midday meeting in the office.

        Depending on kids’ ages, they can prep their own sandwiches. I taught my kids to do that starting around 2nd grade even when school was in session.

      • Anon

        Yes. Better yet put out a bunch of snacky things and let the kids help themselves.

      • cara

        When I moved back with my parents for a bit, my dad, younger (college student) sister, and I were all working/studying from home, and we did sit down for lunch. That was because it was easier to get everything out and heat up everything at once for everyone, instead of 3 separate times. It still took 20 minutes tops, and I don’t think a 20 minute lunch break is egregious. We weren’t actually cooking though, just reheating at most.

    • Cat

      Why not be proactive here and discuss the issue with your manager? “Hey, I’m struggling to be able to make these lunch meetings work because of the combination of remote school and getting my substantive work done. Can you help me prioritize which are important to attend?”

      And then streamline lunch on the days where you really shouldn’t skip. “Cooking” should not be required.

      • Anonymous

        I would not mention remote school. If you are booked solid in meetings from 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. or whatever, you do not have time to heat up your own lunch or grab it out of the fridge. That is a problem caused by unreasonable meeting scheduling practices, not remote school.

    • Anon

      I have this problem as well. My office had regular lunch meetings catered in before the pandemic, and continues to have them at that time when we’re all working from home (minus the catering). It drives me crazy. At least in a conference room you’re not right up in someone’s face watching them eat. We usually try to order in lunch on the days I have lunch meetings. Otherwise, I make a quick lunch for the kids before the meeting, and they eat alone.

    • Anonymous

      Can you do your family lunch early and then just not eat during the lunch meeting? Regardless of how simple lunch prep is, my kid needs someone to talk to at some point during the day, so I get why you’d want to eat together. I’m lucky in that my husband usually makes lunch for us (reheating leftovers), but he and my son also usually want/need to eat a little early due to their remote school schedules (husband is a teacher). So we eat at 11:30 usually.

    • Anon

      what about staggering lunch? I normally eat my lunch (regardless of if I’m wfh or in the office) around 1:30. I can easily call into a lunch meeting and then eat later (caveat: I work through lunch 90% of the time).

      Elementary schools usually have early lunches (like 11am), so that probably won’t interfere with corporate lunch meetings. If your kids are in elementary school, they may need help with lunch but 3rd/4th grade or older can absolutely do lunch themselves (I agree with other posters – no cooking! Sandwiches, yogurt, reheating leftovers, etc. are super doable)

      • Anon

        Ugh. My kids’ lunches are consecutive, there is no one to play with, one kid has had too many cheese sticks this week. OTOH, I am in a whole week of eating just nachos. Ugh.

    • Anon

      I feel like it is also a dinner crunch item, also. Our workday could end at 6 but stretches into 7. But I work in a family home now, so the background is there every day (mostly I can work around). It does not help that I don’t have an office, so I often like / need to work by the food prep (easy if dinner is chicken baking in the oven — no oversight, kitchen is warm). But I also want people not-interrupting while I work. It is just so hard.

      It is not wrong for normal people in a house to want normal meals at normal times. And yet that is often now how a workplace works. It is just such a hot mess and some days are so much worse than others.

    • Curious

      People are super into making this work, but my team just has a no lunch meetings rule. It’s too hard for parents. And as I’ve mentioned before, this is heartless Amazon :). If we can do it, I figure most teams can.

      • Anon

        Kudos to Amazon! BigLaw will never follow. Even if I look at our women’s group, it is either non-parents or women with FT nannies or SAHHs, so every hour is a workable / meeting-able hour. Most high-earners (male, female) have their kids in private schools (going) vs public schools (not going back ever, from what I can tell).

      • Anon

        It’s also too hard for people with certain medical conditions. How awkward to make people try to seek accommodations just to “eat a real meal at a consistent time daily.”

        • Anonymous

          You don’t even need to have to have a medical condition to need to eat a real meal at a consistent time.

        • Anon

          I do have a medical condition and have struggled to get everyone to agree to a 20 minute lunch break during depositions or mediations when we were in person. It’s nuts.

    • Anon

      Yeah, I feel like there’s some good middle ground here. Maybe your work could be more flexible about lunch meetings (the poster below asking you to confer with your manager about those that are important is good advice). At the same time, it seems like you’ve unnecessarily made lunch into a big production. This makes me wonder what else you might do that with. Then you assume you’ll get critiqued for not being a team player, when really, here, you’ve chosen to prioritize your family over your competing work event (not sure whether to call it an obligation or not). Some things need to give at some times–various times it will be work, but various times it will be family. Right now, it feels like you are blaming everything on work when maybe your homelife needs some streamlining too.

      • Anon

        “maybe your home life needs some streamlining, too”

        Honestly, what do you suggest? I feel like the frog in the pot of water and while this was just supposed to be for 2 weeks last spring, the water has only gotten hotter.

          • Anon

            It probably could be? Real PPE for all essential workers, at-home rapid testing with quarantine of everyone who tests positive that day, and a two week lockdown could bring us back to where we started.

          • Anon

            HAHAHA our schools keep kicking out their reopening a month here, two weeks there. If they had been candid about never returning, I’d have found any nearby Catholic school and deposited my kids (we aren’t Catholic, but at least in August they had spots left and weren’t 25K/kid).

        • Anon

          Yeah, I am not unsympathetic, but I am getting less so because of all the complaining. I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt because I do not doubt you are tired. Plenty of commenters told you that “lunchtime cooking” is unnecessary. Maybe start there with your streamlining.

      • anon

        I’m not sure that’s a fair characterization. She’s at the mercy of her kids’ school schedules and her own work schedule. Streamlining only goes so far when you’re being pulled in this many directions.

        • Anon

          Also, I’m not sure why any of us popped in with helpful, constructive ideas. This poster was at least up front about not asking for advice. It was a rant post and now she’s irked that folks are suggesting some of her issues don’t need to be issues.

    • Anon

      I understand all the advice above, but I’m also a parent with kids home off and on, and understand the chaos of meal time. Luckily our CEO just made a point to talk about the importance of taking a real break to eat, backed up by HBR articles, so it’s easier for me to actually step away for 30 minutes to assemble something relatively healthy and appealing to everyone, then sit down and talk to them while we eat it. Teens may be able to spend all day every day alone, but my preschool and early elementary kids are not capable (and nor should they be!) of sitting alone in their rooms on Zoom, coming out to grab a sandwich made that morning and eat it alone, then going back to their rooms. They need supervision and human interaction at some point in their day, and lunch is a natural time to do that.

      I hate this year too. If it’s any consolation, there are a million articles about how working mothers (and parents, although mostly mothers) are all right there with you – work is demanding 10 hours of focus, kids/schools are demanding 10 hours of help, and it’s impossible to do both, no matter the amount of night-before prep you try to do.

      • Anonymous

        Your CEO is right. This is not just a parent issue. Everyone needs a lunch break whether or not they have kids or are WFH.

    • Anon

      I’d raise it with your team. I avoid scheduling meetings between 12 and 130 bc for people with babies and kids that is prime lunch and putting down to nap time so it has become probably the worst time to meet. I’m sure you are not the only person with this issue.

      • Curious

        Exactly. Even if you prepare food in advance, there are other reasons children need you at this time. This is a reasonable boundary.

    • Anonymous

      Wow I’m so sorry. This is just insane. Based on all these comments I can’t believe so many employers don’t respect the basic human need to eat.

    • anon

      It’s too hard to prepare meals 21 times a week for a family. I really recommend having everyone in your family pack their lunch the night before, while you’re prepping dinner or right before you clean up. Seriously, dust off the school lunch box or paper bags or Tupperware, fill them with food, and put them in the refrigerator. Each individual can “cook” however they would at school or work, which probably means microwave or toaster oven, at most.

      Is it important that lunch is a family meal, or is that what you’ve defaulted to? There’s a lot of togetherness right now. It’s OK if you reserve your lunch time for eating by yourself, catching up on paperwork, reading a book, or having a work meeting. (This is assuming your kids are old enough to eat lunch independently or there’s another adult in the house who can supervise them during lunch.)

      If you have a lunch meeting, can you take a 20 minute break for yourself before resuming your work day? It’s not always possible, but I always feel better if I can take a moment to recharge sometime between 11 and 2.

    • Anon

      Part of this hell is that people plan and g-d laughs. Shop for dinner food on weekend. Plan meals + leftovers. Emergency call foils one dinner making. Then 3 lunch meetings crop up. Then some Asia-related night call. Stomach bug! Ice storm and power goes out! It is impossible to plan and have a plan that sticks. All of this would be fine if I could manage 6 working hours during the workday + catching up for 2 later, but the uninterrupted daytime time is just gone if schools don’t reopen. A week or a month of this would have been OK but 12 months later, I am just done.

      I can’t propose a 50% FTE arrangement, but that is what I need. Otherwise, I am just buying lottery tickets and praying.

      • Anon

        I think that you’ve hit the nail on the head. The pandemic was supposed to be temporary. If this had been planned for, maybe some of the parents/other care givers would be less than full time because they didn’t have school/daycare and employers would just have to hire more people. The pandemic sucks and it is hard on everyone. Think too of the folks that do not have kids out of school, but are picking up more slack for those who do, etc. Honestly, sounds like you either need to go PT or get a nanny. That’s not fair, but that’s what it really sounds like your issue is.

      • Walnut

        Anon, I feel this post so hard. Right down to the surprise power outage. Talk about the curve ball I didn’t plan on that week.

        As far as lunch prep suggestions, I’ve leaned into Costco for a lot of this. Individual cheeses, lunch meat, crackers with hummus, chips and guacamole and cheese/nut/craisin packs are in regular rotation. Breakfast is a lot of oatmeal, cereal, bagel with cream cheese, and if I get ambitious, leftover banana/chocolate chip pancakes in the toaster.

        At least once or twice a week, any of this is supper as well.

      • MinnieBeebe

        Honestly, this thread is reflective of how I’ve been feeling for the last ~year. My only child son (4th grade) was in remote school all last spring, spent tons of time by himself all summer, started the school year remote. For most of that time, my workload was fairly low (software implementation consultant) and it was somewhat manageable.

        This autumn, business really picked up and suddenly clients wanted 6 hours of meetings every day. My husband is also a consultant (who outearns me by at least an order of magnitude) with non-stop meetings so my son ate lunch by himself more days than I could count. Kiddo was really struggling emotionally, as well.

        I tried to make a 50% schedule work, but it just didn’t make sense when it all came down to it (would’ve required transitioning to an hourly employee, no paid vacation, etc.) So I QUIT. And it’s marvelous. We’ll see what happens when/if we can put covid behind us, but for now, this is what I needed to do for all of our sakes.

    • Anon

      Find a way to call into the meetings. Reorganize your day. Relax your standards on lunch. But your attitude that meetings =/= work is going to bite you in the ass someday. You need to get your head right about this. You go to meetings you’re invited to by your boss. That’s your job.

      • Anonymous

        Wow, as the boss I’d hate to have someone working for me with your attitude. I’m working with people, not machines, and I need to know BEFORE they are at their breaking point. Otherwise they quit and I’m stuck looking for someone else.

        • Anon

          I’m a boss too, and also an employee, and I realize that if I stopped going to meetings my boss asked me to attend, I’d lose my job. If OP needs her job, then she needs to either talk to her boss about it or suck it up and attend the meetings. Just unilaterally deciding that meetings =/= work is a good path to a pink slip. That is just reality. It’s fine to vent here but if she’s really asking for opinions, and is regularly skipping meetings, it’s time for something other than sympathy.

  7. Anonymous

    Tips for having two really strong billable days? I’m visiting my best friend for the first time in a year starting Friday and am trying to strictly do Pomodoro (yes checking corporette will be a few of my breaks!) but could really use a couple long days so I don’t feel work guilt while I am driving and enjoying the visit!

    • Anonymous

      Just buckle down and do it. It’s 2 days of working hard at a desk job not coal mining. You’ve got this!

    • Cat

      Make a physical list and enjoy the satisfaction of crossing things out.

      Also- strategize when you send stuff. Prioritize the things that need others’ feedback before they go out (if they’re due this week). Otherwise you’ll be getting emails with comments on Friday while you’re driving.

      For things that are, say, going to clients for review but aren’t time sensitive, save them all for Thursday end of day. Then you won’t get comments back until you’re home :)

    • No Face

      Take time to make a list of everything you need to accomplish and be willing to stay up late.

  8. Shananana

    This dress is so lovely, I wish it came in other colors, as that color washes me out like woah. As someone who normally struggles with wrap dresses, that one looks promising.

    After several years of over planning, I am picking up my first new puppy in 13 years on Monday. Anyone wanna help with brainstorming good boy big dog (german shepherd) names? I lean towards people names for my pets and no kids here so not worried about can’t use that name because maybe it will be a child name someday lol.

    I give those of you who have named children credit, as this will be my 4th pet (plus a business) I’ve named and every one has been a struggle lol.

    • Hildy J.

      aw, I’m jealous! do you prefer “cute” people names… say Wilbur? or more serious ones? Jack?

    • cbackson

      A dog trainer once told me that two-syllable names with strong consonants were best for dogs because it’s easier for them to hear them and distinguish them from other words. Not sure if there’s science on that or not. A few names I like for a big good boy:

      -Otto
      -Hank
      -Artie

      • Vicky Austin

        I read something similar in a book by the monks of New Skete, who raise German shepherd puppies. They recommend two syllables and ending on a vowel sound.

        My SIL considered Stanley for her dog which I thought was hilarious.

        • PolyD

          I know a dog named Stanley, he’s a mellow, portly little guy, and Stanley totally fits.

    • The Original ...

      Milton, Filbert, Morty, Edgar if you are looking for old man names.
      You could also go with Jayden or Timothy or Kyle and go more trendy.
      Or what about Blue or Watson or Buck or Junior?

      Feel him out, see what his personality is, and let it guide you.

      Congrats to you both!!!!

    • Anonymous

      Fenton (or rather Fentooooon! if you ever saw the viral video)

      Harry, Ludo, Teddy, Heimdal.

      As somebody who’s afraid of your kind of dog, I’d appreciate a silly name (if shouted on the street) rather than the macho names some people give them.

    • Hildy J.

      man, you got me down a rabbit hole (doggy hole?) I’m looking at the Twitter feed foe The Dogist and there are some great ideas. Beau? Lincoln? Jasper? Max?

    • pugsnbourbon

      My uncle had a beautiful dog named Soren. I thought that was a great name.

    • Friday

      Mo (Moses), Newman, Ollie (Oliver), Zeke, Brett, Titan, Augie (August), Herc (I don’t love Hercules but YMMV).

    • H Dogs

      Oh I love thinking about dog names! For some reason we only name our dogs names that start with H. It’s weird, has no relation to our names, but we’re on dog 3 and all have had H names so it’s turned into a thing for us.

      First dog name was Helios – this was a TERRIBLE name for a dog and everyone was always messing it up, but even now I have a soft spot for it.

      Second dog name was Hugo – I definitely recommend this name! Easy to say/yell/for the dog to understand, and normal while still being unique.

      Third dog name (current dog) is Hippie. LOL.

      Names for future dogs: Howie or Hank.

      • Jules

        Another H name: our last dog was Hartford, named after the musician John Hartford. The second choice had been Thurgood, after Mr. Justice Marshall of course.

  9. Anon for this

    Long shot but has anyone with an immune blood disorder heard anything from their hematologist about the Covid vaccines? I’m a little concerned after reading about the cases of ITP, which I already have and am in remission from. I have a call in to my hematologist, but I’m curious whether anyone else has heard anything interesting from theirs. My hematologist is not necessarily super strong on the research front and I’m expecting “it should be safe on balance,” but I’m a researcher myself and I want to feel confident in the evidence. We do know that the vaccines have not been specifically evaluated for efficacy among the immunocompromised, which I also am, but I have been planning to get it and hope for the best.

    • Anon

      Not a doctor, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I do have a PhD in microbiology and a couple decades in the field, so I have basic research knowledge. The problem you face is that there is essentially no evidence to evaluate. Some very small number of people have gotten ITP after vaccination and it seems plausible it was vaccine triggered, but the numbers are so small at this point that they’re not beyond background. What I’d encourage you to think about is the relative risk of vaccination vs getting covid, which it seems could also trigger ITP (you should ask your doctor about that, since they might have anecdotal experience, even if nothing is published), as well as all kinds of other problems. For someone like you, it might make sense to wait a little on vaccination until there’s more data, but if you’re at high exposure risk, than the relative risk of vaccination vs getting covid would tip toward getting vaccinated as soon as you can.

    • Anon

      If I were you, I would also ask my immunologist. (I have low IgA and relatives who have had ITP, so I definitely noticed those headlines too. The risk seems very small, but it’s very frustrating that data isn’t being made available by comorbidity; I would appreciate seeing outcomes with the virus by my comorbidities as well!)

    • MD

      I would absolutely get the vaccine. Agree with your doctor on balance.

      I am an MD/PhD with a family member with a primary immune disorder with low platelets in the past and the least of our worries are the extremely rare potential side effects which are generally very treatable. COVID potentially has a much much higher risk. All of the docs are pushing to get the vaccine ASAP.

      Sure, talk with your hematologist. But remember…. You are going to find a case report for everything, as every one is publishing everything they can. But this is not strong evidence….. not even correlation…., and you will never find the evidence you want that balances risk, in a randomized controlled trial on thousands of people like you followed for years. Impossible. The scientist in you knows this. Or maybe you don’t because you aren’t in medicine. This is as good as it gets. And we are so lucky to have this so soon.

      Take a deep breath, and step back from your computer….. You will be fine!

      • Anon

        Other Anon here. I’m not really asking for RCTs. I have a stack of comorbidities anyway, so it’s not as though that kind of research ever applies all that straightforwardly (no one is ever going to do a RCT in people with my particular assortment of health conditions). Evidence-based medicine is for people without complex conditions. But the data must exist for how people with different assortments of conditions have done with the virus when they’ve caught it, and that kind of observational data is, as you say, the most we can go on. So I wish that data were accessible.

    • Anon for this

      Thanks for the responses. I’m surprised I actually got any! I am pretty sure that I will get the vaccine unless my hematologist says not to. I have a couple of other unique features about my own health that are tricky to navigate re: the pandemic, but at some point, I’m just going to have to make the decision and take the chance. Fortunately I am able to work from home and have very low exposure.

      • ITP anon

        Late reply — I have a history of ITP although it has been in remission for several years. That article hit me hard. I remember the fear of being below 5,000 platelets and really do not want to go back to that. I would disagree that it is “treatable” since it took me and my hematologist many months to get me to a safe number. That said, I looked at the discussion on the PDSA message board and there were numerous people who have gotten the vaccine already with no effects and that made me feel better. Nonetheless, am hoping that the Johnson and Johnson vaccine might be an option, as it works differently? I have many months until I will be eligible so at least have more time for information to come out.

  10. Anonymous

    Has anyone gotten a pimple (for lack of better word – looks like some kind of acne) on their lower eyelid before? Any home remedies for it? Normally I’d just use some clearasil type product but this is where the skin is pretty thin so it’s even hard to get it there without getting it in my eye. I’ve had it for about a month. At first it was like oh a little red spot ok whatever. Now it’s more noticeable to me. Home remedies? Should I get a tele appointment if a prescription ointment is needed?

    • anne-on

      Are you sure it’s a pimple and not a sty? For a sty I’d go with warm compresses.
      If it is a pimple (and I’ve gotten teeny tiny whiteheads in that area before from eye creams that didn’t agree with my skin) I do the following: soak a q-tip in a medium strong acid (I use the cosrx aha whitehead liquid) and apply ONLY to that spot for a few seconds. Let it dry completely and cover with a small pimple patch. Repeat at am/pm. The patch both protects it from you touching it and sucks up any ooze.

    • Anon

      It sounds like it might be a stye, and yes you should get it treated. A stye is an infection/pimple in an eyelash hair follicle (there might be a better definition) and can be dangerous.

    • Go for it

      That sounds more like a stye. Do not use any acne med near the eye. You could try otc meds or the teabag remedy – web for directions on that.

    • Anonymous

      It could be a stye. You should get a tele appointment. I did and was prescribed an antibiotic since I get them frequently.

    • Anon

      Sounds like a stye. Use a warm compress a few times a day for a couple of days. If it doesn’t get better in a day or two (or if it starts getting worse), go to the eye dr.

    • CountC

      I had one pop up earlier this week. It’s a stye. My medical professional bf said warm compresses and a friend who gets them often said the black tea teabag method was given to her by a doc. I am on business travel and don’t feel like buying teabags, so have been warm compressing as much as possible and it’s past the zit phase and into the slightly swollen stage.

    • Marie

      Agree that it’s a stye and a warm compress multiple times a day should draw it out and help it go away faster. OTC medication I have used with success before is Similasan eye drops.

      • Marie

        PS: When you are doing the warm compress, you should change the wash cloth you use frequently so you do not reinfect yourself.

  11. Anon

    Has anyone moved to a new city without knowing anyone/many people and enjoyed it?

    I’m mid-20s and getting an itch to explore a different part of the country. I’ve lived in the Northeast my entire life – from a big city here, went to college here, moved to another big city here after college, and then moved back to my home city. I love my life in my home city – I have a lot of friends here (mostly people I met after I moved back, but a smattering of childhood/high school/college friends too). I love living near my family, and I just love this city (there’s a lot of hometown pride here).

    However, I don’t love my job. I work in a pretty niche industry, and my current employer is the main employer for that industry in my city. I worked in my dream industry in my old city, and then pivoted to my current (related, but not the same) industry when I moved back. I both miss my old industry, but also really need to leave my current job (very toxic culture) but don’t have a ton of other options here. Additionally, about half of my friends will be moving away from this city in the next 6ish months. The combo of job searching and having many friends move away, makes it feel like its a good time to leave too.

    I’ve always said I plan on settling down in my home city, and still plan to do that. I’d plan on leaving for 2-3 years if I do leave. I have two hangups about leaving – what if I have trouble making friends in my new city? This was an issue in my last city, so it’s a real concern. My second concern is the FOMO. Almost all of my high school and college friends are somewhere in the Northeast. I don’t have much interest in going elsewhere in the Northeast. My philosophy is if I’m moving, I want to see another part of the country. In non-COVID times, we do college friend weekends a few times a year, and I wouldn’t be able to do that as often.

    • Anon

      this is such a personal choice. i am someone who satisfied their wanderlust with travel, but moving to a random place where i didn’t know anyone never really appealed to me. i think it is hard to make new friends in a new city in the best of times, but is most certainly more complex with covid (I moved with my spouse which I realize is different, but DH & I were finally making progress with some friendships, which really stalled when Covid hit). we are also originally from the Northeast (have lived in NYC, DC & Philly), but now flying distance from all of our other family/friends, which was annoying pre-covid, but is even harder now. also, unless you are a nurse or an accountant or something where it is very easy to get a job anywhere or are moving for grad school, it seems hard to plan to move somewhere for 2-3 years and then move back. you have no idea what the job market will be back where you are, or if you meet someone and become serious in your new city (which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but it is if their career is incompatible with moving back to your city).

    • Anon

      I’ve done it several times (not really connected to my family and a bit of an economic migrant within the US). It took me a year or so to find my people, but it’s no biggie.

    • Anon

      I moved to a new city for a year in my 20s and then again, to a different city, in my late 30s. The former is fantastic; the latter sucks. My friends who moved in their 20s often planned on staying for a few years and ended up staying in their new cities; my friends who moved in their 30s are not nearly as happy.

      I have a lot of advice and none of it is what you’re asking. If I were in your position, knowing then what I know now, I would look to make a permanent move. Niche industry, toxic employer, not many jobs in your field in your current city, unmarried, friends moving away – it is such a perfect time to make a move. Your reasons for staying are functionally “childhood dream,” not that there’s anything wrong with that, but it’s a poor way to base life choices when your life (jobs and friends) are moving away.

      It’s easy to make friends in a new city in your 20s. It’s where you build a professional reputation, make contacts, get involved in the community, and carry that with you for your life and career. Yes, you can go with the intention of staying for 2-3 years; however, choose a city that you could stay in forever. If your career takes off, moving back will derail that. If you meet someone, the only reason to move back is job opportunities, which are not abundant in your current city.

      • Anon

        Thanks for this insight! Obviously, there’s no crystal ball but many of my friends who are moving away are planning on coming back in a few years as well. My family is pretty tight, and I don’t think I’d be happy permanently living away from them.

        Also no crystal ball – but but my long term career goals have always included breaking out on my own and consulting in my field. I also think that remote work + travel would be possible in this field (especially post-pandemic).

        I know at this point in my life it makes sense (at least on paper) to be setting up a life where I want to live long-term, but it also is feeling like an opportune time to move and explore something different. I think I have a fear of ‘playing it safe’ and regretting living my whole life in the same area down the road. On the other hand, the people in my life are the most important thing in my life and I want to set up a life near them.

        • Anonymous

          I’m guessing you’re relatively young. Spoiler – the friends who plan to move back likely won’t, no matter what they are saying now. This second-move (post-college) is sticky. People will get stuck where they’ve landed, whatever their plans are now, so don’t expect them to return. For some, it will be because their career took off and they don’t want to derail it; some will meet someone and suddenly be negotiating two people’s plans (not just one); some will have kids. If I had to guess, you’re feeling wanderlust because you’re seeing, for the one of the first times in adulthood, that you have to pick a path and narrow other options, and that’s hard to accept.

          • Anon

            I’m the Anon at 10:36 and was going to say exactly this. A few might move back; most won’t. They will make friends in their new area. Their careers take off. They have a network of professional contacts in their new area. Their parents will retire and move out of the very expensive, snowy, cold Northeast.

          • Anon

            This is interesting to me – it feels like most people I know settled down in their home city. Many left for (part of) their 20s, but the vast majority of people I know live where they grew up

    • Anon

      I did in my early 20’s (Denver) and enjoyed it. I made friends with my work colleagues. I’m sure Covid complicates things quite a bit, but if it’s a city with a lot of transplants it’ll be easier to make friends. If you have trouble making friends there are online friend meeting options, but you could also just roll with it and do things on your own.

      • Anon

        Denver is one of the cities I’m considering!

        My lease doesn’t end until August (which would also be my 3 year anniversary at my job), so I wouldn’t be moving until then. Obviously things won’t be 100% open by then, but I think (and hope!) that life in August looks very different than it looks right now.

        I did a lot alone in my old city – it’s cool that I’m good at entertaining myself and didn’t let being solo keep me from doing things I wanted to do, but also I’m a huge extrovert and I really love being with people. I think there were several factors that played a part in me not really feeling connected to my old city (I was not making much, so couldn’t always afford to go do things; had several family emergencies my first year and so spent as many weekends at home as I did in my new city; the one friend I had was in grad school while working so wasn’t available to do much)

    • The Original ...

      I’ve done this many times! If you are 100% on returning in 2-3 years, you may actually want to not move very far, as it will be tough to build deep friendships if you already have a ticking clock to leave them OR it may be tough because your new life may cause you to not want to move back. Otherwise, consider what you care about in order to decide where to go. Maybe start with work options, then narrow based on cost of living, climate, activities you love, and then dive deeper into the short list to see if it’s worth relocation!

      • Anon

        this is helpful, thanks! I was thinking of a few big cities out west, based off of activities/climate/general “vibe” of the city. I also told myself that if I’m moving, I’m going to actually go to grad school and so that’s a factor too. I’d do school part time (unless I win the lottery in the next 6 months!) so would be looking at cities that have programs for what I’m interested in.

    • NYCer

      Not what you asked, so feel free to disregard… I moved to NYC from the west coast (had friends here though) for what I expected to be a finite period of time (2-4 years), ended up meeting my now husband (who is from Europe) and have been here for over a decade with no real plans to move. Would I rather live in my home city? Yes 100%, but for a variety of personal and professional reasons, it does not make sense. Just something to take into consideration if you really feel strongly about returning to your home city long term…it may not happen!

    • Friday

      We moved to Austin in our mid-20s without knowing anyone. Met our bffs who were from Boston. They moved back to Boston a few years ago and we’ve since moved to another city. So, while it may be unlikely you will move back East/home, it does happen. Austin’s kind of a transient city though. Where are you considering, just out of curiosity?

    • Anon

      I moved cross country with no real friends. It was really hard at first not having friends, but I’m really glad I did it. This was back in the early aughts and I think it would be slightly easier now with the internet being a bigger part of daily life, i.e. being able to do Meet Ups and stuff (hopefully post pandemic soon). I think it kind of depends on where you go, if you go somewhere where everyone is generally from there you may have a harder time as they often don’t have “room” in their circles for a lot of new folks, but if you go somewhere with a lot of transplants I think it would be easier. I would assume the lots of transplants especially applies to a lot of major West cities like the Bay Area for sure but probably also LA, Seattle, Denver, etc. maybe?
      I would personally go and be at least prepared for it to last longer than 2-3 years. Life has a way of laughing at plans, and all it takes is getting on a fast track at work, falling in love with someone that can’t leave for a variety of reasons, etc. etc. and next thing you know you’ll be there forever or at least moving back will require a lot of soul searching and difficult decisions.

    • anon

      I recently moved across the country and am liking it. My situation is extremely personal to me though, so YMMV. I left my home town and a really soul sucking job with an equally soul sucking commute, for one in new city that has dramatically improved my quality of life. I couldn’t find another niche job in my home town because they’re all located downtown where it’s too expensive to rent but commuting in from the burbs was over an hour long. We used to joke that we work half-days. 7am to 7pm = 12 hrs = half a day. And there was still traffic at 7 pm god help us. That wasn’t the life I wanted to live for 30 more years.
      I know absolutely no one in new year beyond my coworkers, and Covid has put a lid on any real life interactions. But I’m an introvert, and other than in cases of emergency I don’t mind not having close friends or family nearby. I’m at a point in life where half of my close friends have moved away and those who haven’t are married with their own busy lives. So we didn’t spend every weekend together or anything. I see each of them just a few times a year, and mostly keep in contact through chat anyway. I see moving away as an improvement to my life but that’s something you’ll have to assess for yours.

    • Duckles

      IME, If you move, assume you won’t be coming back (unless it’s something like a set-term fellowship or visa etc.) It sounds extreme, but it takes a couple years to be really integrated into a new city, and then when that’s where all your professional/social/hobby contacts are, it gets hard to start over again. (I moved to a city in my mid-20s I planned to stay for two years because I never particularly loved the city, but then really came to love my “life” there even if I didn’t love the city). It took the pandemic for me to actually pull the trigger on leaving 8 years later, even though I always “planned” to leave.

  12. Legal Project Management

    Not sure if this exists, but are there resources on scaled down legal project management concepts/checklists/processes for a senior associate who is now managing several projects? Even if not 1:1 scale, I really like these concepts, but most of the resources and CLEs I have found are for in-house teams or partners who are managing $$$ projects.

    • fellow sr associate

      I want this too! These are not skills I have, and yet am now expected to have and would like to acquire without trial and error.

  13. anon

    Anyone else just not want to work this week? I enjoy-isn my job but I am just finding 200 other things I’d rather do during work this week, which means I’ve not been very productive. This isn’t usually an issue for me – not that I always want to work, but I’m usually better at sucking it up and getting to work.

    I don’t think it’s depression – I am perfectly enthusiastic with many, many other things. I’m just unable to buckle down and work this week.

    • Anon

      This is me. I blame it on the weather and the fact that in February, I’m ready for spring.

      • Anon

        Oh such a good call. I’m so over winter (this has been our snowiest winter in 5ish years. I don’t love the snow. I just want spring).

        I also get my second dose in early March so “fake spring #1” should align with when I’m 2 weeks post vaccine. Not that I plan on doing anything wild after I’m vaccinated but things like outdoor happy hour will be possible again once it’s warm. The combo of vaccine, nicer weather, and the possibility to do more things all being about 4-6 weeks away is making me very impatient.

        • anne-on

          I am in New England and I laughed at ‘fake spring’ which is SUCH a thing here. Oh look, it’s 50 degrees, yay spring! (2 days later we’ll get a foot of snow, whomp whomp).

    • Anonymous

      Same. I just want to plan backpacking trips for this summer and work on my German practice and read novels. I long for the day when the 9-5, 5 days a week model disappears.

      • OP

        One day, instead of working I spent the day planning several different cross country road trips. I made some GREAT itineraries, maximizing National Parks. Because, that’s what I’d rather be doing!

        Maybe my mental wanderlust is worse this year because I haven’t traveled in so long!

    • Panda Bear

      This week, last week… probably will feel like it next week too. It’s just been like this most of the year, for me. I have bursts of OH MY GOD this-is-due-must-get-it-done, or occasionally genuine excitement, usually when a project is just starting up, or finally winding down and I can see the positive outcomes. But mostly it is a cycle of ‘don’t want to’ and ‘panic’ that keeps me going lately.

      • anon

        Yes! I’ve realized I can do a day’s amount of work in a few hours… I end up waiting on everything until a deadline is pressing. I get stressed, the work product is meh, my boss is probably displeased and yet, it’s the same story every week! I wish I could be like okay, I’ll get my work out of the way and be able to coast in the afternoon, but that’s not happening

      • Anonymous

        This is definitely me lately. Everything is getting done to adequate quality and acceptably before deadline, but its all days of procrastination followed by intense rush. Doesn’t fit super well with billable hour requirements. Of course, for me, its also exacerbated by my ADHD. Choosing a fractionally more dopamine producing distraction over work is always a problem for me, but it’s so much harder right now with working from home, and the dark days and cold and daily snow this last couple weeks.

      • anon a mouse

        Are you me? I was totally checking my retirement accounts and projections this morning. Still a long ways to go, both in time and money.

      • sigh

        Yes, this. I just want to retire. I think I need 8 more years, so not that far out at this stage. Still feels like fooorrrevvvverrr.

      • Anon

        Yeeeees. I don’t understand people who are like “I would be so bored if I retired!” I just want to do my hobbies all day.
        Husband and I are currently struggling with the dilemma of “do we keep these jobs that require working a ton and aren’t terribly fulfilling, but pay enough that we could retire by 50ish, or do we switch to more tolerable jobs that we’ll have to work at much longer?” Most days we lean toward “keep doing this as long as we can tolerate so we can quit earlier.”

        • Anon

          I totally agree. I could see myself working part time doing something that fulfills me, but I could also see myself just volunteering. I have plenty of hobbies and activities to occupy myself while retired (god willing I’m healthy and mobile still!)

  14. Very anon

    I’m in the running for an in house counsel job at a privately held company. I’ve also applied for positions at large publicly traded companies. Any in-house ladies here with any perspective on working for a private versus public company? Have you experienced a difference in work, management, quality of life, etc.? I know every company is different but I thought I’d throw this out to the hive to see if you have any advice for me.

    • Anon

      Hi there, I’ve worked in both. My first 3 roles were at private companies and in the last 2 years I moved to a Fortune 50.

      For the current role
      Pros: Amazing benefits package wrt health (including fertility and mental health), 401K match, employee stock purchase plan, potential restricted stock units at certain levels, time off, etc.
      Great internal resources including playbooks/give books
      True professionalism – expectations of attys being adults and able to manage their own workload (no “face time” requirements necessarily)
      Lots of oppty to grow with the company – including different business units
      Stability
      Cons: Lots of red tape and layers of policy within the departments that you need to learn especially if you end up doing work that relates to a different business unit somehow, takes longer to get promotions or raises (although it does tend to be pretty uniform across the board)

      Private companies (all of the ones I worked at were family-owned, closely held)
      Pros: Greater ability to be a generalist, easier access to leadership (but not necessarily owners),
      Cons: Lower pay, less robust benefits packages, dealing with the push-pull of the family dynamics of the owners, less stability in terms of company funding, sales people are out of control (in my experience), HR tends to be near nothing, fewer resources overall

      • 1anon

        I agree wholeheartedly with this and have also worked in both. I’m currently at a small, private company and really miss some of the resources of a big company. Those resources include other lawyers with varied expertise, as well as subscription resources (this is the first time in my career I haven’t had access to Practical Law, which is killing me). I left a big company and went to a smaller company because I wanted more autonomy, more responsibility, less red tape, etc. At small companies people are generally happy to let you do as much as you think you’re capable of (and won’t tell you to stay in your lane), which was what I wanted a few years ago when I was a little more ambitious and driven. Now that I’ve been around the block a few too many times, I’m missing the cozy comfort of a major company and the sophistication of colleagues at a large company.

      • Cat

        FWIW, large private companies aren’t necessarily dysfunctional. Like – there is robust HR and other corporate overhead areas. Plenty of bureaucracy, for good or for bad.

        While a downside is perhaps less comp as a result of lacking stock options, in the private world, there *can* be less focus on quarter-end deadlines, and less specter of the Grim Reaper coming around looking to cut costs after one or two quarters of disappointing results.

  15. Anon

    I’m dealing with the loss of a close family member in their 90s. While they didn’t directly die of Covid, and they were in declining health before the pandemic, I feel they might have lived longer in normal times. The isolation of not being able to get out and do their normal (albeit limited) activities left them with less to live for. I don’t really know how to vocalize this, especially when others have been more directly impacted. Not looking for sympathy as much as trying to process this feeling that while this is not a Covid death, the pandemic definitely was a contributing factor. Anyone else in a similar situation?

    • Lilau

      Yes. For reasons that are just too painful to go into here, I lost someone similarly, although my loved one was young. It’s difficult to articulate and process how the pandemic and efforts to mitigate it contributed to this person’s passing. My hopes are that someday if/ when the pandemic subsides we will be able to discuss these feelings, but it’s really difficult now without feeling like you’re somehow downplaying the seriousness of the virus.

      My thoughts are with you and I’m sorry for your loss.

    • Anon

      Yes, unfortunately. My father passed away in June. He was in assisted living, was mostly healthy, and then entered a steep downward spiral when his facility would no longer allow residents to go in and out. He had always been very social and active, and he only agreed to go to assisted living in the first place under the condition that he could come and go as he pleased. It could have been a coincidence, but my family and I think the isolation sent him into depression or something similar and his body gave up. It’s been really difficult. I don’t have tips but will say that the grief is not as strong now as it was in the immediate aftermath. I’m so sorry for your loss– take care of yourself as much as possible.

    • anon

      Yes. My grandpa passed away in June. He was 93 and had some physical health setbacks during his last year of life, but I do think the isolation greatly decreased his quality of life and he was just done.

      And then my FIL died of covid in the fall. While FIL’s death is more tragic, I am definitely still grieving both. I feel so sad about how my grandpa’s final months went down: alone, isolated from all of us.

    • Yes

      Yes. My grandmother died this morning, alone in her hospice bed, because of COVID. A year ago she was a perfectly healthy 90 year old woman living semi-independently, with mild dementia. But then COVID happened, and the isolation aggravated the dementia, and she went from semi-independent living to a nursing home to hospice, and then to Heaven this morning. We were supposed to have a family reunion over the summer to celebrate her birthday. I blame COVID for all of it, and I hate this year.

      • anon

        I am so sorry for your loss. :( I think there are so many stories like this, and nobody is talking about them.

        • Anonymous

          I’m sorry for all of our losses on this thread, Lilau and the Anons and anon above. I agree these stories are representative of something larger. My heart goes out to everyone who posted about a painful loss here, and who is dealing with the complicated feelings about the pandemic that it brings about. <3

  16. Curious

    My mom is getting her first dose of the vaccine today. I laugh cried when I found out. She’s over 65 and my dad, who lives with her, thinks the pandemic is a hoax.

    I don’t think I realized how afraid I was until the weight was lifted. Yes, who knows what the variants will do. But my mom will have a vaccine.

    • Anonymous

      Glad to hear it! My grandmother (active and well in her 80s) just got hers too and I am so relieved. My father is scheduled to get his this week.

    • Anon

      My father is also getting his today. I am thrilled. I wish my mom could too but she doesn’t turn 65 until next month.

    • NY CPA

      My grandma too! I’m absolutely thrilled! She’s been my biggest worry the whole pandemic, and I know she’s so excited to be able to leave the house from time to time (nothing wild and crazy but she’s left the house <5 times since March, so can't wait to go to the pharmacy, etc.).

  17. Deedee

    Any reccs for online yoga classes? I have long enjoyed Yoga with Adriene on YT but have streamed all her 40 min+ classes too many times at this point. I like vinyasa, but nothing really fast paced or that includes non-yoga types of exercises. Bonus points for longer than 45 mins. TIA!

    • Gail the Goldfish

      It’s not free, but downdog app. You can use it on a web browser–I usually run it on my laptop and hook my laptop up to the TV so it’s on a big screen. Very customizable as to type, length, pace, and specific areas to target.

      • Anon

        + all the internet points for Down Dog. It is so customizable and there are so many options. I was worried about getting bored but definitely do not.

    • Anon

      I’ve been pretty happy with the zoom classes my local studio offers. There’s something nice about doing it real time with real people, and it feels nice to support a local business.

      • Cb

        Yes, I agree. I like the familiar teachers. I do a meditation class twice a week and it makes me feel connected to the community even when I can’t see them (it’s audio only)

    • Anon

      Early on in the pandemic I was doing online classes with Yoga With Jenna, based in San Diego. She’s now moved to a “membership” structure where you subscribe and then get all of her classes on-demand. I really enjoyed her classes when I was doing them. I felt like she was accessible for all levels and really mixed up the poses.

    • anon a mouse

      Peloton is offering a 60-day free trial of its app, and there are tons of yoga classes on there.

    • emeralds

      Two of my go-tos are Aly Maz’s 45 minute everyday yoga and 45 minute power yoga classes on YouTube. They move at a quicker clip than Adriene, but they should be manageable if you have a good baseline with vinyasa/flow practices. Off the top of my head, the power class is faster than the everyday class, so I’d maybe start with the everyday if you want to see how you get on.

    • Curious

      I love Tim Senesi yoga. He has lots of 45+ min classes. They are not power yoga, but they are vinyasa, and he has a strong emphasis on form. It’s $15/ month. It also includes an arm balance course!

    • HangryJo

      doyogawithme.com has a free 2-month membership right now with classes of all different varieties and duration. Highly recommend classes with David Prochysyn and Fiji McAlpine.

    • joan wilder

      I am a long time fan and user of Glo (used to be called Yoga Glo), and they have, I think, a 2 week free trial.

  18. Ovens?

    I’m buying a condo, and for whatever reason, the kitchen only has this weird microwave/oven combo. However, it was recently renovated and they left tons of space to add additional cabinets/appliances (the previous owner *did not cook* at all).

    I’m going to be doing a small renovation (with a professional recommended by my very trusted realtor, don’t worry) to add cabinet space and add a double oven – does anyone have a favorite one? Things I should avoid?

    • Anon

      Considerations: gas or electric? Also – make sure it’s wide enough for your widest cookie sheet or roasting pan.

    • AnonATL

      Anecdotally, I’ve heard the wall double ovens are such a pain to repair and replace.
      We have a standard stove/oven combo with two ovens and I love it. The top small one we use daily. It heats super quickly and stays hot, but it’s narrow (like 10″ tall maybe). I’ve accidentally hit parchment paper against the heating element and caught it on fire before.. so fun.
      The bottom oven is almost never used unless I’m doing a big roast or a whole bunch of baked goods.
      Ours is a super old maytag I think

      • Anon

        My double wall oven (unfancy GE, electric) is 15 years old and has needed only minor repairs. I agree replacement might be a hassle if sizes have changed by the time I need to replace it. I am fine with the electric oven but I think I would replace with gas.

  19. Anon

    I have been wanting rhinoplasty for as long as I can remember. I’ve realized the only thing holding me back is I’m nervous it will be obvious and everyone will know I had plastic surgery. I was raised in a household where vanity was strongly looked down upon, and I still get grief from my family for things like getting highlights. A cousin getting lash extensions was all they could talk about for a week. I’m getting consultations and ideally would have this done ASAP so I can WFH during recovery. Any advice?

    • Anon

      so i had one and i kind of regret it. i only had it bc i was having other sinus surgery anyway and did it as an add on. i think it looks the same/there are some things about my ‘new’ nose that i wish i’d had changed. i also recall the recovery being extremely painful and uncomfortable. this was almost 18 years ago though so hopefully the techniques have changed a bit. that being said – if you want it, go for it! i think a lot of times it isn’t that noticeable if done well, unless really zooming in on pics of someone. your family might notice that something looks different about you, but if you dont want to tell them, just say you are wearing different makeup or whatever

      • Anon

        +1 to the last part – when my classmate had this done in high school she got a new haircut at the same time. People were more focused on her new hair than her new nose.

        • nutella

          This is a great point. My cousin had a huge nose her whole childhood and adolescence and got a nose job in her 20s and even though we all knew it, the first time we saw her, it was like we instantly completely forgot what she used to look like – it just matched the rest of her face.

          I think if you are worried about people noticing, combining it with something else that is new that you don’t mind disclosing might be a great way of being less obvious. But I also think you should do what makes you happy. You’re an adult! Also, my cousin is freaking smart – she is a doctor and professor and has never been someone I would consider vain and I wouldn’t think you were either. But also ya know what, so long as you are not hurting anyone, who cares if you are vain? Live your life!

    • The Original ...

      Maybe use a r3ddit group for this to get many experiences and perspectives? You may also want to consider a therapist plan so you have a coping plan in place if or when your family is awful about something that (I hope) makes you super happy. (You could also just not tell them you did anything and do the celeb thing and get highlights the first time they see you. Let them give you grief about the highlights, then next time they see you, they’ll be glad your highlights are lessened and won’t notice the nose change (unless it’s drastic). Sending hugs and am so glad you are prioritizing your happiness over their judgement!

    • Anon

      Are you me? Same situation, plus I have my dad’s exact nose, so he would be furious and offended if I changed it. (As if what works on a large mustachioed man also works on a tiny woman.)

      Many people blame rhinoplasty on sinus reconstruction. You could imply, without directly stating, that it was a necessary procedure, with careful phrasing.

    • Lilau

      I just want to reach out and say I support you in doing something you’ve wanted to do forever. It’s so unfair for your family to criticize vanity in a world that values appearance so much. Also, some of my favorite people are vain in the sense that they care about their looks and take pride in looking their best. Theyre also kind, smart and interesting people. There are worse things to be.

      • No Problem

        I agree with this 100%. I’m fortunate to really like my nose and most of my features. But I’ll probably get Invisalign later this year because my teeth are a bit crowded on bottom and they annoy me. Nobody else really notices it, but it would make me feel better to straighten them out. If someone called me vain for doing it I would roll my eyes so hard I might pass out.

      • Anon

        Not OP but this is such a sweet response that I really appreciate. Sometimes I feel “vain” for stopping to put makeup on before a Zoom mediation or hearing but it really makes me feel my best. I have a routine so it looks to others like I’m not wearing any or minimal makeup but to myself I look rested and younger which really helps my confidence. If I’m not looking my best, I don’t feel as confident.

      • Anon

        This is a great response. I know I should put more effort into hair, makeup, and skin care. I’m also leery of people who are emotionally invested in other people’s looks – like, why does it bother you if your cousin gets lash extensions or if your brother has (clean, brushed, trimmed) hair down to his chin?

    • Is it Friday yet?

      Go for it – I got one while getting my septum repaired, zero regrets. Recovery really wasn’t bad either. People didn’t notice because it wasn’t a dramatic change, it’s the same nose just smaller. If anything, I got a few “you look really good, I don’t know what it is, but…” comments, which were easy to redirect (or be like, yeah, new nose, depending on who said it) – or one friend when she found out said she thought I’d just “grown into” my nose as an adult. Also, if it’ll make you happy, who cares what other people think?

      • Anonymous

        Growing into your nose is a thing! I did, and it was so weird to realize that my nose was no longer big.
        I was well into my 30ies when I made a comment to some friends about my big nose, and their very puzzled reaction to my so called big nose was very enlightening. I had a proper look in the mirror later from all sides and had to agree that my nose was average sized. When I was eleven, it was proportionally big and clumpy and weird (I’m from a family of dramatic facial bones), but at 35 it was fine.

        To OP: I’m not telling my story to in any way say that your nose is the same! I just wanted to say it’s a thing, and lots of people will assume that’s what happened.

        If you want to change it, can afford it and know what you’re doing – you do you! And get highlights as a distraction, and maybe a new kind of clothes style item to divert your family’s attention. Best of luck!

        Doing it while WFH sounds smart – one of my friends changed her nose in the summer holidays, and got no reactions at all, because people don’t have that kind of memory (or interest) in other people’s apperarance.

    • Hildy J.

      Go for it. I wanted to do it for years, was mocked as a child for my big nose and always thought of myself as ugly. I can’t describe the feeling of no longer feeling ugly. Also, I thought it would devastate my parents, but 8 years on I don’t think they have even noticed.

    • Anon

      I had one two years ago and it was the best thing I ever did and wished I had it done sooner. I shared the same concerns about my family’s perception since they’re pretty hippie/love yourself/God-made-you-this-way but ultimately they were supportive once they understood why it was important to me. I chose a surgeon that had a great reputation for make noses that fit faces, not generic copy-paste work. I was off for one week since my job wasn’t compatible with WFH but I could’ve easily been at the computer a few days after the procedure. I had didn’t have that much bruising especially as someone who bruises easily, swelling was the most inconvenient.

    • Senior Attorney

      Not rhinoplasty, but I’ve had a few cosmetic procedures and am very happy and have no regrets. I don’t advertise it but it’s not a big secret either and I couldn’t care less what anybody thinks about it.

      My advice: Whatever recovery time estimate the doctor gives you should be doubled.

    • Sunshine

      I did rhinoplasty when I was 30 after hating my nose since middle school. Ten years later, I still think it was a great decision and only wish I’d done it when I was younger. Honestly, I still don’t love my nose because it’s larger than my ideal. But, I have a huge head and large face. So a small nose would have looked as disproportionate as my larger nose did (my old nose was also hooked). I do not think my nose looks like I had it done because the size of it now fits my face, and I think that is the key. Like a haircut, a certain nose may look great on one person, but not on another. You need one that fits well with the size and shape of your face.
      When I went for my consult, the plastic surgeon walked in and started describing my nose. And everything he identified reflected the specific complaints that I had. I really liked that he could identify on his own exactly what my complaints were. My mom went with me and thought the whole thing was absurd. Until she saw the before and computer-generated after pictures they did during that consult; for the first time, she saw why I hated my nose.
      My nose is now smaller than it was and straight. It looks so much better than my old nose even if it isn’t my ideal nose. And, speaking of haircuts, I now wear a pixie cut that I think looks great, but would have looked terrible with my old nose.
      I did not have to do any sinus work. And with just the cosmetic part, the recovery was very easy, and I was back at work after a long weekend (I could have worked next day in my current WFH job). My recollection was that I had to keep it dry for several days so washing my hair was a pain and I just let it get gross for a week or so. But, again, if you’re WFH without video calls, that’s not a problem. I hope you do it!

    • Anon

      Choose a doctor that specializes in rhinoplasty. It’s a delicate surgery where the person needs to be skilled in making very small changes. A rhinoplasty specialist is your best choice.

      • Anonymous

        +1 to this! My partner is a plastic surgeon. someone who specializes in rhinoplasty will probably do other procedures too (so no need to find a rhinoplasty-only practice or something) but it is known among plastic surgeons as a difficult and artful procedure—you need someone talented!

        One of the many functions of the face as a body part is to show our identity to the world. if your nose is functioning in a way you’re not satisfied with and you have the time/money/ability to correct it, then go for it.

  20. Anon

    I am fed up with shoving my hands under the squatty, narrow faucet in my bathroom. My knuckles constantly brush the drain and the back of the sink bowl. I just can’t get enough room to maneuver for a proper wash. Shopping for a replacement isn’t giving me what I want–everything is so compact.

    Would it be totally strange and hideous to install a kitchen faucet in a bathroom sink?

    • Cat

      Tread with caution, because a faucet that is too large or powerful for your sink – as a lot of kitchen faucets would be given they are designed for larger sinks – will end in wet pants.

      Can you look into gooseneck styles that are designed for bathrooms? That should give you more height.

    • Lilau

      If no bathroom faucet meets your needs, it sounds like the basin might be undersized and/or too shallow.

      • anonshmanon

        yep, I have lived in two houses with this issue. Sometimes the choice is made if the bathroom is really cramped (guest powder room), but it still sucks.

    • Anon

      It would be strange, I think. I know what you mean about the faucet, though. Is it that the holes are misplaced? They do sell longer bathroom faucets as well.

    • MagicUnicorn

      Bathroom faucets come in different arc heights, no need to get a kitchen faucet to solve that problem if you just get a bathroom one with a higher arc. I went from a crappy low-arc one to a high-arc one a few months ago and love the difference it made. No more weird gymnastics to fit under the faucet.

      A kitchen faucet will likely stick out too far forwards for a bathroom sink, and may not leave you enough room to do something like wash your hair or fill a container with water.

  21. Anon for this

    Does anyone have any good recommendations for audiobooks or podcasts with some erotica/racy scenes, preferably female-centric? I started listening to 50 Shades of Gray but Gray was way too controlling and domineering (and how many times can Anastasia “gasp” and say “oh my”) that I had to stop listening to it. But I do like graphic descriptions (a la the cut’s s3x diaries series). Can’t do erotic books as my kids can read, but I can do an audiobook or podcast with headphones on. Thanks.

    • AnonATL

      I’ve really enjoyed the Virgin river series. It’s not focused just on racy scenes, there’s other drama, but there’s a good bit of raciness.
      Some of the descriptions are a little silly, but it does focus on female enjoyment as much as the man’s.
      They’re quick reads and there are something like 15 total books in the series.
      Someone on here has also recommended the books Stacey abrams wrote under a pseudonym, but I’ve never read them.

    • Anon

      There are millions of romance novels out there and many of them have audiobook versions. I think it would be a matter of narrowing down what kind you like and searching from there (Regency? Scottish? Vampire? Time travel? Viking?). Hard to give recommendations when it’s such an enormous genre.

    • Romance Lover!

      Omg, put down the 50 Shades!! Assuming you’re interested in contemporary over historical, I recommend the following: Tessa Bailey, Alyssa Cole, Alisha Rai, Sonali Dev (sexy Austen retellings!), Christina Lauren (for this author, some are racy, some are closed-door, so check goodreads reviews). I also adore Robyn Carr’s Virgin River series, but they are pretty tame. In case you’re into historical — Tessa Dare, Lisa Kleypas, Sarah MacLean. Happy reading!!

      • emeralds

        Agreed, there is so much romance that will be right up your alley! I’ll also add Olivia Waite to the list for historicals.

    • pugsnbourbon

      Outlander.
      There’s also an outrageously funny podcast called Dad Wrote a P*rno, but that doesn’t sound like what you’re after.

    • theguvnah

      Questions – are you saying you can’t ever read a book in your own home that you’re afraid your kids would read? Cause that feels…extreme.

      • Anon

        There’s something to it though if the kids are readers. A mom I know was missing some of her parenting books; her second grader had absconded with them. It came out when she started appealing to the advice in the books in attempts to get her way! I know I read everything in the house when I was a kid.

        • Cb

          Haha, I definitely read some inappropriate things as a precocious reader. Dragon romance?

    • Anonymous

      I’ve heard good things about Sweet Ruin as an audiobook but it will be VERY racy. Also paranormal/AU (he’s a millennium old elf-type dude; she’s also otherworldy.)

  22. Anon

    Currently in my last trimester of pregnancy– this dress looks like it would be great and forgiving to wear when pumping when I’m back in the office… anyone have any thoughts on that?

  23. notinstafamous

    Due to a communication mishap on whose turn it was to do groceries, we now have a *lot* of vegetables to get through. Major focus is the quickly-going-to-go-bad ones: eggplants, peppers, bok choi, gai lan, and spinach (we also have cauliflower, broccoli, asparagus, potatoes, onions, etc.). I’m thinking now is the time to make a big batch of something vegetable-forward we can freeze for lunches, but all I can think of is a stir fry. Does anyone have any ideas of something that would freeze well? Two people, no dietary restrictions, like cooking so it can be fussy.

    • Anonymous

      I would roast the eggplant and peppers, make a tomato-based pasta sauce, and toss in the greens and roasted veg. I have successfully frozen pasta sauces with wilted greens.

    • anon

      For most of those things, I would probably do a big-batch roast (just salt and pepper and olive oil in a hot oven – 425F or so). Roasted veggies freeze well and are useful for tossing into other foods (in quiche / on pizza / in a grain salad / etc).

      The spinach will cook down very well, so maybe just saute that with a little garlic and freeze it for an easy side later?

      The asian greens are probably going to be best in a stir fry (maybe lo mein? I haven’t tried freezing it but that should work) or in a soup.

    • No Face

      I would do lots of veggies + broth + chicken thighs/breasts to make vats of soup, then freeze batches of the soup in gallon freezer bags. You could also make a veggie heavy pasta sauce and freeze in batches.

    • Abby

      you could make curry with that! also with bok choi and gai lan, i’d stir fry them on their own with a little bit of oil, garlic, salt and maybe top with oyster sauce or sesame oil. DH and I can finish a bunch of either as a side for dinner.

    • Anon

      Like everyone else says, most of those veggies will roast well and then keep in the fridge for a week or so to be used in various dishes. I’d also probably make a veggie lasagna with eggplant and spinach, which should freeze pretty well.

    • Anonymous

      You can freeze diced peppers and onions. It affects the texture a little bit, but it’s a great shortcut to pull out when making sauces, soups, etc.

    • Anonymous

      Aubergine – veggie Moussaka
      Asparagus & peppers – quiche
      Bok choi – wontons or ravioli
      Broccoli and cauliflower soup
      Spinach – blanch and freeze
      Spinach & peas -soup
      Aubergine, pepper and Asian leafy greens – coconut soup, stir fry

    • Serafina

      I like adding all of these vegetables to Smitten Kitchen’s Braised Ginger Meatballs in Coconut Broth! The recipe only calls for spinach, but I love adding eggplant, peppers, and bok choi as well.

    • Anon

      Roasted eggplant curry. Roast or grill the eggplant; puree it and add to 1/2 can coconut milk. Cook up a spice paste (onion in oil, until translucent; Indian spices, until aromatic); add a can of tomatoes; add a can of chickpeas; add all the vegetables you want. To that, add the eggplant and coconut milk. Simmer until the chickpeas are no longer gritty.

      We do this and eat half, freeze half. It is amazing to have on hand when we are hungry, tired, and not in the mood for the carb-fest that is most easy meals.

    • Anonymous

      A big casserole of polenta and that eggplant, topped with sauce and cheese? We use an ancient Martha Stewart recipe for this if you need a starting place.

  24. Friday

    Interview advice? It’s been a while and a job kind of fell into my lap. I’m currently finishing up an IT support gig for accounting: this job would be accounting (which is my background). One of the things I want to know is: they seem to have a relatively small workload, so I’m curious why they’re hiring another accountant. Tips for breaching this politely? What else should I ask? Should I wear a button down shirt? Kidding on that last one.

    • Monday

      “Is this a newly created position?” If yes, you can ask what they envision for it–hopefully that will answer your question about workload. Maybe there’s new work to do, which they can identify. If no, then they may explain how it came open, i.e. probably someone leaving.

      • OP

        They currently have one accountant; the hiring manager said they’re looking to hire a second accountant due to workload. The thing is, he told me that the workload is X, and I’m used to booking 10X by myself. Now obviously, one of the reasons I left that job was burnout, but for two people, X sounds quite boring. Although if they let me WFH I suppose it would be pretty cush. I guess I’m trying to figure out how to politely ask if they’re planning on getting really busy or if they’re just horrible at time management. Hopefully I get to talk to the current accountant.

        • Anonymous

          As someone who has had 10x jobs and now has a .5x job I would ask them to walk you through close. Day 1 cash is closed. Day 2-4 all income entries are booked, etc. How many hours they work those days. When do they ACTUALLY close the month so more entries can be made. I hate having to redo work so keeping books open longer might let extra entries slip in so I cannot start reconciliations until later. I would also ask if the have any problem accounts or systems. I love to have a project when it gets slow. I do think you will be bored but sometimes that boredom comes at a point in your life when you need one place that is “easy.” I would love to go back to a slightly more fast paced accounting job but right now with working from home and the school situation this is probably the most I could do.

          • OP

            Thanks! This seems obvious now but I hadn’t thought to ask for a walkthrough. That’s exactly what I need to know.

    • MagicUnicorn

      Ask about the pace of the office. Is it fast-paced or are they used to a more sedate atmosphere? Some places intentionally try to hire a bit beyond their workload so as not to burn people out.

  25. Anon

    Does anyone struggle terribly with friendships as an adult? I have two little ones and moved to a suburban SEUS area 10 years ago before they were born. I have really tried to make friends but am stuck on the fringes of a mom group who includes me sometimes. I would rather have better individual friendships but they do almost everything as a pack and frequently leave me out of events, have a group chat where I’m not included, etc. I am an introvert but so worried that my kids will be left out socially if I don’t put in the effort. I feel like I’m back in junior high and lonely even when in a group. I’m tired of feeling like a try hard when I don’t even like cliques in the first place. Please help – this is affecting my mental health the longer it goes. Thank you!

    • Anon

      This is largely what the suburban SEUS is like in my experience! If you don’t like cliques, I can’t see how you’re going to be happy this way.

      Could you branch out to put the same effort in elsewhere?

      • Anon

        Thank you! I am not sure where to start. I do work full time now but not in a job that facilitates the formation of friendships with non-employees. The usual bigger city things like meetup or group exercise etc, (precovid obvs) just isn’t a place to meet new people here. I truly don’t understand why people this age are interested in having a clique that large(!)

    • Anonymous

      Is there one you like particularly? Start inviting her to do stuff one on one. Im sorry I also find it hard!

      • Anon

        Yes – a couple. I probably need to just talk to them individually at some point and let them know that I value their friendship but don’t love the group thing. The downside is that with so many people in the group their time is already filled up with group dinners, birthday parties, trips, etc. I’m hoping that when my kids are a little older the friendships can stand on their own?

    • Anonymous

      Yes, right there with you. This was a the first thought that popped into me head this morning when I woke up. I have a hard time making/keeping friends. It always seems like people connect with me only when they want/need something from me, but would never return the favor. I’ve learned to abandon those friendships and have not found a way to make healthy ones in their place.

      • Anon

        I’m sorry…I think it’s important to have friendships but heck if I know how to find good friends as an adult.

    • Anon

      I’m sorry. I think friendships as an adult are so hard, and only seems to get harder. I am the only one in my circle who is childfree (which is by my own choice) and I feel more and more distant from my friends all the time. On the other hand, I see the people with kids seem to become friends just with one large group based on their kids. I agree with the other suggestions to pick out one or two people you seem to have things in common with and initiate more meetups with them one-on-one. I think that is easier than developing friendships in a pack. I know that (outside of the pandemic) if someone were to invite me to coffee/yoga/a walk in the park/museum, I would be thrilled and would gladly devote time to developing that friendship!

      • Anon

        Thank you. I guess the pandemic isn’t helping any of us with friendship issues. I’m also not on social media and I think that holds some people back because I don’t have that presence?

        • Anon at 1:03

          I am on social media, and honestly I don’t think it has helped much. (In fact, I think that it adds to the sense of isolation, especially when you see people just hanging out in their packs and posting dozens of pictures and you’re like wow, I don’t have that.) I actually feel like the pandemic has really dampened the possibilities here, but I’ve already picked out a few people who I know casually who I intend to initiate contact with more once it is safe to do so and have picked out some things to do/join as a way to connect with new people. Maybe you can make a post-pandemic plan?!

      • Anon

        Not the whole group, but like 3 or 4 people for play dates and that has worked well in the past when the kids are involved.

    • Anon

      i feel your pain. moved to an area (it is actually one of the largest cities in the U.S.) and so many people are either from here or married to someone who is from here, that it is really hard to break in as an outsider. everyone told me it would get easier with kids, but i had twins and barely left the house the first year, finally started making some progress in their second year, but then covid hit so it feels like it was two steps forward, a hundred steps backward. no advice really just commiseration. also- why does it feel like it is always on the moms to make the friends, why can’t the dads do it

      • Anon

        You are so right! My husband has few friends and I really think could care less. In fact, all the clique moms husbands hang out together at the events but don’t seem to have independent friendships for the most part.

      • pugsnbourbon

        I read this somewhere and am broadly paraphrasing: “Extroverts meet someone and think, ‘great! I need to go to lunch and go shopping etc to get to know them.’ Introverts think ‘oh I need to get to know someone before I get lunch or go shopping with them.”
        I say this as a shy introvert and I know that it’s really hard!

    • Anonymous

      No advice but commiseration. I also moved to the suburban SEUS before having my daughter and am in the same situation on the fringes of the mom clique. It’s partly a SAHM thing. The clique was established when their kids were babies; I didn’t meet them until my kid was out of day care. They all did MOPS together and volunteer at the elementary school. The only working moms in the clique are teachers and one professional with a flexible schedule who can make herself available during the daytime. It’s hard to establish an individual friendship with any of them because they all already have their BFFs and don’t feel a need to invest in other friendships. I think I’m also just too intense and straightforward for them–e.g., during a discussion group I was the only one who ever said anything about the topic we were discussing.

      As a person who grew up in a big city where zoned schools were not really a thing, I find the social interconnectedness in the SEUS very stifling. Where we live, there is a group of subdivisions where all the kids go to the same schools their entire lives. The entire Girl Scout troop is from the same school and grade. Half the soccer team goes to the same school. Everyone attends the same church. If you don’t get invited to the one book club, you are socially doomed. When I was growing up, my sister and I went to two different magnet schools. No one from my elementary school went to my junior high school. My Girl Scout troop was from a bunch of different schools. No one from my ballet studio or gymnastics class went to my school. Summer programs were yet another group of kids. I had friends all over the place, none of whom knew one another because I’d met them at different schools and activities, and so did my mom. If you didn’t fit in at one school or in one extracurricular, you weren’t automatically shut out everywhere else.

      If you lived in my suburb I’d love to be friends with you, but I don’t know how we would ever meet each other. We’d probably both be the ones sitting by ourselves in the bleachers at the soccer game, or dashing in and out quickly at pickup because we were in a hurry to get home and get dinner on the table.

      • Anon

        I had no idea that growing up this way was so different in a bigger city e.g. different friends at different events. You are exactly right that people already have their friends. My kids miss out on being in activities with their friends at the same time because the clique all communicates about what to do when. I hope you find some like minded people soon. If anyone on this board understands the purpose of the super clique, please explain. Does not compute for me!

    • Anon

      Commiseration. Moved to the South for my husband’s job. It seems like all the moms are photographers, SAHMs, or SAHMs who do MLMs. :/

      Only advice is to post your city and a burner email.

      • Anon at 1:03

        Yes! I am in the South, born and raised, but its a tough crowd if you don’t fit into that. I agree re: burner email and city. If anyone is near me looking for friends, I’m willing to try! :)

    • Anon

      I am in the same boat and also in the SEUS. There are a bunch of mom cliques at my daughters’ school and I am not part of any of them. I am friendly with everyone but just not part of anyone’s group so I don’t get invited to their happy hours, lunches etc. As someone else said, everyone is already in a group and nobody seems interested in new friendships. I am also don’t fit their mold- not young or cute. No advice but you are not the only one!

    • Anonymous

      Can you keep an eye out for other working moms, either at school or church?

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