Weekend Open Thread

213 Comments

1. Did anyone else have to quickly skim the TikTok opinion in order to explain it to a teenager? Just me?

   Said teenager began to rant about the conservative-leaning court and how DJT acolytes are trampling her rights. She might have heard this from me. She was very surprised to learn that the ruling was unanimous and that I am not outraged about it.

   She was also surprised when I explained that passing a law, upholding it, and actually enforcing it are not the same thing.

   1. I want privacy and security from all social media apps, not just foreign owned ones.

      1. And it’s amazing that people are worried about Chinese propaganda and misinformation and not at all about American hate groups doing the same. I suspect disaffected young men are more likely to become Proud Boys than they are Communists.

         1. This ^

         2. This is not an either-or. Proud boys gaining in strength (or any groups undermining democracy) is playing directly into the hands of China.

            1. Yes this. How do people not get that they’re related?!

         3. What about Chinese algorithms pushing proud boy propaganda to our disaffected young men?

            1. How is it worse when it’s a Chinese algorithm than when it’s a US algorithm? YouTube is a lot worse than TikTok for this.

         4. “Since we can’t solve every problem all at once, you’re wrong for trying to solve this huge problem.”

            1. +1 I see this *all the time* and it drives me crazy! Let’s solve this problem and then move onto the other problems.

            2. They could have upheld better security and privacy standards for every app no matter who owns it.

               “We’d rather sell you out to these people than to those people” isn’t an inspiring victory.

            3. The other one I hate is “because we can’t solve it completely, we shouldn’t bother doing anything at all.” Often comes up in discussions of how one can take personal actions that are better for the environment.

            4. I have mixed feelings about this; I remember the pope telling catholics to respect people who recycle a lot out of concern for the environment even when it’s not really making a difference (or even really being recycled), because it’s about the virtue of their soul. I get that it makes sense from a religious perspective to care about whether someone’s soul goes to heaven when they die, but here in the world where I live, it feels patronizing (like we have no option to advocate for meaningful change instead). And there is definitely a psychological phenomenon where some people end up feeling like they’re already doing their part, as well as a propaganda tactic where people’s attention is redirected from a larger concern to a relatively minor concern or even a complete scapegoat.

   2. The tiktok ban is a good first step but there needs to be rules about all foreign interference. The misinformation spread by bad actors and bots is insane.

      1. I know a lot of it is foreign, or was, but at what point does it become homegrown? People who say they believe these things are in positions of power now; it feels like it’s wildly too late?

         1. I feel like the people in power who ‘believe’ are actually on the pay roll which is starting to be exposed.

            1. I think it’s less that it’s starting to be exposed and more that they don’t need to hide it anymore because they’ve already won.

   3. There are more risks associated with TikTok than just the influence and data scraping. The app itself has non-trivial potential for providing an easy way for a foreign government to inject malware and spyware into a huge number of devices, which is why a number of security-minded firms have blocked the app for quite some time.

      1. A lot of apps are security risks. I load them in my phone browser in desktop mode and hope it’s enough.

         1. Since we can’t solve every problem right now, let’s let a foreign adversary have access to 170 million American phones.

            1. Yes, thank you for being one of the few people I’ve encountered who actually seems to understand the situation.

         2. at the time of Congress passing the ban, there was ample explanation from security experts, pointing out that the extent to which Tiktok collects data and has access to devices is on a completely different level compared to most popular apps.

   4. The issue is that the Chinese government requires TikTok to scoop up huge amounts of data and turn it over to the Chinese government. Congress has also declared that China is a “foreign adversary.”

      That implicates national security concerns.

2. Has anyone had their “colors” done? Looking for a good recommendation.

   1. I’ve always hated the colour analyses I saw on Tiktok (by service providers on influencers) – there was no bilateral consultation, just a strident, almost aggressive, lecture of what colours worked even when the customer was hesistant (for good reasons) – none of the picked colours seemed to actually brighten the skin! I’m also an ethnic minority and there’s definitely no tolerance among colour analysts for anomalies in undertones, eye colours, hair colour etc and how they impact what colours really work for you. East Asian? No bright purple for you despite your olive undertones and dyed chocolate brown hair!

      I think trust yourself and pick the colours that make you happy.

      1. I kind of agree. I went through a phase where I was down / depressed and thought getting my colors done and focusing on how I looked might improve how I feel. I’d been wearing muted autumn colors and submitted photos to an old blog “MissusSmartyPants” and I was told I’m a cool summer – bright colors from blue, green, and purple shades. The ‘fact’ that I’d been wearing the ‘wrong’ colors most of my life did not make me feel better!! It is 12 years later and my wardrobe has gone through a couple of overhauls and I do like and look good in those cool summer colors, though, that is true.

         1. Oops I said it wrong. I am a cool winter, not summer.

   2. I had them informally done by someone who does it for a living. I knew her in another capacity and she told me I am an autumn.

      I really really am not an autumn. None of those colors work for me. In a summer through and through. Soft summer is adjacent to autumn so that may be why she mis-typed me. But I know when I buy foundation, the warm colors never work, and my best match is in the cool family 100% of the time.

      1. Right?! They seem to carry out their business by brainwashing a largely hesitant customer population.

      2. Sometimes I look good in summer colors and sometimes the autumn works for me as I am really on the cusp.

   3. I spent quite a bit of time researching the underlying color theories used in consultations. The Cargill system resonated with me most in terms of approach and the wearability of the color fans that were produced for clients. Many stock fans are so bright that I couldn’t see myself buying and wearing the colors professionally. I travelled to Joy Overstreet in Portland, OR for my consultation. It was well worth the travel and time investment. I overhauled my closet in the span of a few years, feel confident in my purchases, and enjoy my clothes.

      1. I’m so interested to hear what you were wearing before and what you wear now – and of course what your colors are!

         1. I’m a twilight summer.

            Now: chocolate brown coat, cream fleece with periwinkle trim, periwinkle shirt, and navy pants.

            Prior: black coat, grey fleece, (too) light colored shirt, and black pants.

            I kept the black and grey items through the transition. I look for one of “my” colors when those items need to be replaced. Pitched the “wrong” colors.

   4. There are plenty of websites that will help you DIY it. Figuring out whether you are warm-toned or cool-toned and high-contrast or low-contrast will get you to the one of the four basic seasons, which is the most important. The sub-seasons are more gimmicky. I use my color season (winter) and my Kibbe type (gamine) as “a tool, not a rule.” You already know what looks good on you and what doesn’t. These tools will validate your judgment and explain why various colors or styles work or don’t work. This will then enable you to predict with greater accuracy which clothing and makeup purchases you will end up regretting, and will encourage you to try some options you may never have thought of before. I now feel justified in my preference for mainly black clothing and don’t feel pressured to buy all the popular murky earth tones that make me look like de@th warmed over and that I will never actually wear.

   5. I did “Your Color Style” several years ago and I would not recommend it. I’m in a craft group on FB where most people recommend House of Colour.

3. Curious if there are things you make at home that you find are better made at home/cheaper/etc. I’m trying to doom scroll less and have been replacing that with making more things at home. Successful examples for me have been granola, making those fancy crackers with dried fruit to have as a snack with cheese, tortillas, flat breads, carrot and squash soups to take for lunch. They hit the sweet spot of 10-15 minutes active time, although some of them have a longer cooking time.

   1. Last year I started making my own chai concentrate. I like that I can make it just sweet enough.
      I also find that mending is a good activity too.

      1. Mending! I know so many people who will toss garments with a split seam or loose button and it makes me so sad, so much waste.

   2. pesto (we freeze it in an ice cube tray to make serving sizes to defrost)
      hummus
      weekend cappuccino *exactly* to my preferred ratio (after a trip to Italy, bought a Moka and a $15 milk frother!)

   3. I started baking in the pandemic and now we don’t buy any baked goods: bread, English muffins, rolls, pizza dough, you name it. It’s fun, cheap, and reasonably easy. I used to make granola a lot but Hubby is on an English-muffins-for-breakfast kick so haven’t made it lately. But certainly I wouldn’t buy it. Pesto for sure, with basil from the garden. Pizza sauce (I do the freeze-in-ice-cube-trays thing with that).

      1. baked goods here, too. I do buy bagels, but I make my own bread (pandemic sourdough starter is still going strong), pizza dough, etc.

         also granola, it tastes so much better than store-bought when I pick and choose exactly what I want.

   4. I prefer my own mac & cheese to restaurants!

   5. Homemade salad dressing tastes better. I’m not sure homemade anything is cheaper than store-bought.

      1. That’s interesting. I’m the OP and all of the things I cited above are significantly cheaper than buying at the store. If you don’t already stock the agreements in your home and have to buy them for 1 item, then sure, that’s more expensive. But I bake things regularly so always have oats, flours, yeast, butter, sugar, eggs, and shortening, all bought in bulk.

      2. I was surprised how much my grocery bill dropped when I moved from a mid size city to a tiny rural community with one grocery store, where basic ingredients are available but many convenience and name brand foods aren’t. The savings are real unless you want out of season produce.

      3. Where I live, ingredients for actual cooking are more expensive than buying cheap packaged foods.

         1. One counterpoint to this is the long-term costs associated with a diet made of ultra-processed food. Those costs may literally be monetary, in terms of medical bills, nutritionists, gym memberships, but they can be more quality-of-life costs like poor sleep, high inflammation levels, lethargy, etc.

            1. Ok, but you realize that’s not a 1:1 trade off, right? The bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch for $3 versus making it from scratch for $10 does not necessarily mean you’ll have $7 in bad health. And you can eat all of the scratch, homemade food in the world and still have health issues.

         2. But that’s not comparing apples to apples. The bread I make at home is more like the kind you could buy at the bakery for $10 than the kind you get at the store for $2, but still only uses less than $2 in ingredients. And you probably make salad dressing with olive oil, not a cheap vegetable oil. That kind of dressing is way more. And so on for most things.

            1. This. I make my own sourdough, which is about $10 at our local farmer’s market, but costs me less than $1 in ingredients. I buy bread flour at Costco, and get probably 20+ loaves out of a bag. Water is practically free, and salt is negligible.

            2. Yes, but it’s still more expensive to make good food from scratch than to buy processed food. It costs me $6 a serving to pack lunch salads with homemade dressing. A bagged salad feeds two for $3.50.

         3. I can stretch a $15 fresh chicken and about $10 of potatoes, flour and veg into dinner for two, 4 lunches to reheat later and about 10 servings of soup.
            I have to be intentional about it, but I hate seeing food go to waste and am a good cook, so it’s a fun challenge.
            It amounts to cooking like my grandma, but with a 21st century life and career. I can’t do as much long, slow cooking as I’d like, but any time I’m home for a 6-8 hour stretch, there’s a pot on making something for later.

            1. That $25 of food would be one dinner in my house. I could stretch a chicken to one dinner plus a few lunches’ worth of chicken salad if I were single, but my husband devours 3/4 of the chicken the first night and there are no leftovers.

            2. A chicken is one meal in my house too. We have 4 people who eat 4-6oz of protein per meal.

            3. Y’all don’t pick the carcass, then make stock? That’s how you get that many meals out of 1 bird.
               Rich folks are weird.

            4. Are you aware it’s entirely possible to pick the carcass the same day it’s served; more meat doesn’t appear overnight.

               Stock is not a meal.

            5. The carcass is picked by the end of dinner. Stock is an ingredient.

   6. Agree with pesto and hummus, plus soup and bread and pretty much all simple baked goods like cookies and muffins. You can make them cheaper, better, and with healthier ingredients than store bought. All of these (except hummus and some soups) I make in big batches and freeze.

      1. Unbaked cookie dough freezes so well and you can bake a mini batch.

      2. You can freeze hummus! I was very skeptical but it works extremely well. I’d much rather make a lot of hummus at once than a little hummus many times.

   7. I just bought a french press and making coffee at home has been a nice break. This does have the potential to become an expensive hobby though!

   8. Spice blends: Everything; pumpkin spice.
      Spiced nuts.
      Salad dressing.
      BarBQue sauce.

   9. I generally don’t eat sweets but I would never buy cookies. Homemade are way better and much cheaper. My BIL eats cookies daily and when he was here for several days, during which I was buying the groceries, I was so astonished at the cost to keep him in cookies that I just made some and then sent my sister the recipe. They have a pretty low HHI and I can’t imagine what percent is going to feeding that man.

      1. Amen to that! I make a big batch and scoop out and freeze the cookies so I can pop them in the oven whenever. Homemade are SO MUCH BETTER!

      2. Store-bought sweets are rarely worth the calories to me. I do buy brownie mix, but I make cookies and pie crust from scratch. Cakes are half and half… sometimes my kids want funfetti, sometimes I make European-style pastries. My husband’s first generation with Eastern European heritage, and grew up with his grandparents keeping pastry in the house, so I started making them for his birthday and got addicted.

   10. Some of my favorites are repairing the holes in my sweaters, making biscotti, making cookies and keeping them in the freezer, making soup.

   11. Mending and darning extend the life of my clothes. Tailoring saves even more.

   12. Mostly white person here who really got deeply into making Indian food in the instant pot. There’s a reasonably good Indian place in my neighborhood but it’s greasy and I wanted to control the ingredients better. It helps that I have two really excellent Indian spice stores in my city, but I can now make most of my preferred Indian dishes better than the handful of restaurants near me.

       I will leave the naan up to them, though. Thankfully, I prefer basmati rice.

       It’s always a trade-off between time and expense, of course.

       1. Same here, but out of necessity since the nearest Indian restaurant is 2 hours and an international border away.

       2. My husband makes AMAZING homemade garlic naan. It’s quite easy once you figure out how to handle the dough. He does it in a cast iron skillet on the stovetop and tastes better than I dreamed naan could be.

          1. Recipe?!

       3. We have so few decent restaurants around us that I have learned to cook Indian food, Thai food, Chinese food, (actual) Mexican food, Detroit-style pizza, and Chicago deep dish pizza.

   13. I make almost all the food I eat, from scratch. The things in my cupboards that are processed are things like marmite, miso or gochujang. There is very little restaurant food or packaged food that can compete with the food I make at home. Very good sushi or seafood would probably be the thing I’d get better elsewhere, and the fresh produce you can get in Italy in the summer.

       The biggest difference for me when made at home are curries and woks where I can make better sauces (less gloopy and starchy), real bread, and cooking with high quality fats.

   14. Lattes. I bought a Breville Bambino Plus in 2020 and it’s paid for itself several times over. It costs me less than $1.50 and takes less than five minutes to make a latte that’s better than the $7 one from Starbucks.

       1. Right? Getting over the intimidation of making fancy coffee drinks was the hardest part! If they cost that much, they must be hard to make, right? Turns out “better than Starbucks” was a low bar. Coffee drinks at home with good coffee were a game changer.

4. Does anyone know of any dupes for the Patrick sweatshirt from Frank & Eileen? I just got one and love it, but $200 for a sweatshirt is a lot. I like that it’s V-necked and high hip length, not too cropped or oversized. Are there other brands like this one I should know about? TIA!

   1. Don’t do it! I ordered one from Amazon after specifically searching for a dupe. It’s not good. I have two of the real thing and there is just no comparison. The Amazon one is boxier and thinner.

      Undaunted, I tried to find a dupe for the fleece version of the button-down Eileen. It was also disastrous. The buttons were cheap and the shirt was boxy.

      F & E and Nordstrom do cut the prices now and then, and I get a coupon in the paper catalog about once a quarter.

      1. I tried to find a dupe for something I didn’t want to pay 200+ for (a silk shirt from Ravella) and it was an expensive clothing fail. Now I just buy the real thing and *only* the real thing.

         1. +1 to just buy the real thing

   2. not cheaper full price, but sometimes on sale, I am addicted to Majestic Filatures

   3. I doubt it will be long before Quince and the others to copy it…

      1. And the quince version will suck as it always does.

5. Ugh, are parents really arranging play dates for 12-year-olds and acting as emotional support golden retrievers for college students? I’ll be the first to admit that I come from a probably unusually emotionally stunted family but that seems a bit much nonetheless. I haven’t heard any parents say they love these roles – it’s only complaints. Why can’t they stop? So sorry, so irrelevant because my only child is a baby, but I’ve got to say this is weird.

   1. I’d love to see if you soften up this sneering judgment as your child gets older.

      Parenting is hard, and is hard in different ways for different people. The fact that you took the time to write this (and not even in response to something else) says a lot about your untested self-assurance in this arena.

      1. +1. I have had to parent somewhat differently than I expected (or wanted) because I am parenting the child I have, not Past Me or Kid Who Doesn’t Actually Exist.

      2. +1000. Also, 12 years old in the grand scheme of things is still little. Many do not have phones yet, and they obviously cannot drive themselves places. Sometimes parents need to facilitate. It is not weird.

   2. And you’re stirring the pot in yet another thread for … what reason?

      Fun fact: When my only child was a baby I swore I wasn’t going to buy her a car when she turned 16. I loved huffing and puffing about all those spoiled teens. Well. After 16 years of being the family chauffeur, I was only too happy to buy a new car for myself and pass my old one down to her. Not exactly what we’re talking about, I know, but you’ll be surprised at the things you end up doing that you swore you’d never do.

      1. Yup. Everyone’s a perfect parent until they have kids.

         1. +1000

      2. I had this exact experience. I thought all children who got cars were spoiled. I knew so much about parenting as a non-parent. Now we play Car Jenga in the driveway, and I don’t have to pick anyone up from practice at 10 pm in the freezing cold.

         1. My parents took the approach of telling me to figure out the transit system and bike when I was like 11. The shenanigans of letting a preteen take the subway were certainly something but I was independent.

            1. I used public transit at 12 when I lived in a major city. It is not even an option in my small Midwestern city.

            2. As someone who was sexually assaulted and subject to a lot of harassment on the bus when I was a young teenager, there is no way I would force my daughter to take public transit

   3. For 12 year olds I don’t actually think it’s that weird for parents to be involved in social plans — where I live that’s 6th/7th grade and many children don’t have phones yet (which is generally a good thing, I think!). Kids take the lead on making plans but yeah parents still contact each other to firm things up. Parents don’t normally initiate play dates but I think both the neurodivergence and the fact that the moms had a friendship in the past make it less weird for the mom to have reached out. My guess is she wants a whole family hangout, which might be palatable even if the kids aren’t really friends.

      The college post yesterday was helicoptering and I don’t think that level of parental involvement is typical. I work in higher ed and we see some parents like that but not the majority.

      1. This. If transportation is involved, then yeah, a parent is going to be involved in their 12-year-old’s plans.

      2. +1. Kids take the lead, but even at 12, some parental involvement or transportation might be needed to make a plan come together. I also have texted another parent to ask whether something is actually happening, lol. I honestly don’t think that’s any different from how things worked when I was a seventh grader a hundred years ago.

      3. My kids at 11 and 12 don’t have phones or email or social media. Some level of friend gathering is required to be done through me.
         Can’t win as a parent. You’re judged any way you do it.

         1. Isn’t that the truth.

         2. This! No one has a landline any more – they are fully reliant on their parents’ phones and in-person interactions until they get their own, and then once they do, they don’t figure out how to do this overnight, nor are they very good at planning ahead. And they don’t know what the family has planned for the weekend.

            I’m the OP of this morning’s thread. We got our son a phone when he was 11, shortly before we started sending him alone on the NYC subway halfway across Brooklyn to school daily (yup, we’re helicoptering like mad here). Several of his friends are a year younger and didn’t have phones until a year later.

            The other thing to note is that often when a parent reaches out to me to set up a playdate they typically have an agenda, e.g. I need to motivate my video game-obsessed child to get the hell out of the house and touch grass, as it were, and they are much more likely to do this if they have a friend over. It isn’t that their child is dying to see mine and incapable of making this happen, it’s that both children involved would be just as happy to sit on the couch until they complete puberty and we, as parents, have banded together in solidarity to try to prevent this. And we don’t live somewhere where kids just roam the neighborhood knocking on doors to see who is free.

      4. +1 – I’ve got a 6th grader. I’m not calling random people setting up playdates, but yeah, she and her friends don’t have phones, so I’m texting the moms or dads and setting up time. And I’m driving them. When I was her age, I would make the plans with my friend, then hand my mom the phone to arrange details. It’s no different.

      5. I think not having landlines makes this harder. Like when I was a tween, I would ask my mom if I could go over to Friend’s house (she was a SAHM so would usually handle the driving if needed). If she said yes, I would call my friend’s landline, omg maybe someone else would answer and I’d have to ask for her, she’d put the phone down to ask her parent, come back and say ok, and we’d have a plan.

         Having the main contact be the parent is what seems so bizarre!

         1. Yeah I started arranging my own play dates at age 6. But it’s very different without landlines. I agree by age 12 normally the kids initiate the plans but it’s still very normal for a mom to text another mom something like “Ben said he and Isaac talked about Isaac coming over on Saturday. We’re free from noon to 5 if you want to drop him off sometime in that window.”

   4. There’s nothing better than a POOPCUP

   5. Do you have a neurodivergent child?

      1. Sincere question – do you think the college example from yesterday was helping or hindering the college student (legal adult) with ADHD? Of course all parents should and do want to help their kids, but that dynamic sounded both toxic and counterproductive, ESPECIALLY for those with any challenges.

         1. Definitely hindering, but the calculus for an 18-year-old emerging adult is much different than a 12-year-old, so please don’t conflate the two.

            1. Yeah, definitely true, but it seems like arranging friendship meetups could be a good lower-stakes way to practice independence skills. It certainly was the norm until (very?) recently.

         2. I think there’s a place for helping your kid. The mother w the college kid just needs to figure out how to help most effectively—so not asking asinine questions about the syllabus, but giving her a starting point for her own research after work hours, and not taking calls that are just venting. There’s a place for help.

         3. Hindering, but it’s not as simple as it seems to figure out the right level of support (because it’s individual). If you leave a neurodivergent young woman to fend for herself that can become pretty dicey especially with predators (ask me how I know).

         4. Yeah – I think increased awareness of mental health and neurodivergence can be a good thing, but I feel like people have gone way too far in using it as a crutch for everything. It shouldn’t be used as an excuse for not having a kid launch.

            1. Agree, and yet as a parent, it’s tough to balance because the ADHD brain develops executive functioning skills around 30% slower than a neurotypical brain. So an 18-year-old may be more like a 15- or 16-year-old in terms of maturity and executive functioning.

            2. The right age at which to launch really can be different if there are developmental accelerations and delays (it’s just a different timeline).

         5. The toxic part was coming from the kid, though. The mom wanted to let go but was afraid to.

            1. Why, though? Is the fear of the kid getting poor grades that severe? Or is it more emotional on the mom’s part, like a fear of not being liked or needed? It sounded hard for her.

      2. +1. I feel so much compassion for the mom who reached out. I have been the mom of a kid on the spectrum who had a hard time making and keeping friends well into the middle school years. I can’t remember if I ever did anything like this, but I understand the impulse. In an effort to help your kid, sometimes you are hoping a friendly, semi-familiar person will be open to a friendship. It’s really hard, because you’re told over and over that the only way they’ll learn social cues is by, drumroll please, being social!

         With my neurotypical kid, none of these mechanizations would be necessary or desirable. If you haven’t been there, just assume you 1) don’t get it; and 2) should have some freaking compassion and curb the judgment a bit (which isn’t the same thing as going along with whatever).

   6. Of course it’s weird. Obviously everyone is getting defensive because they made different choices, but you aren’t wrong.

      1. Oh, for the love. People are irritated by the snide judgment from someone with no experience, not because of the variety of choices.

   7. Like all of us, you’ll end up doing things that you didn’t think you’d do. I actually don’t think it’s that weird that the parents of an autistic 12 year old would still be providing social support, or that a parent of a college student with ADHD might provide academic support. Obviously it’s not ideal, and these parents know that.

   8. I definitely arranged “playdates” for my 12yo, but that’s because he can’t drive and didn’t have a phone, and I’m the kind of GenX that doesn’t put my preteen/teen kids in daycamp all summer. He needed to leave his darn bedroom for something other than a Chipotle run.

      As for the emotional support golden retriever for high school or college students…I see a range depending on the kid. My kids don’t call or text multiple times a day over little things, but if my high-strung high schooler gets a “bad” grade or has something disappointing happen, she’s on the phone to crying and I’m the emotional support dumpster fire.

      The other thing I’ve noticed as my kids have gotten older is that there are some parents who focus on protecting their kids from the world, and parents who focus on getting their kids prepared to live in the world. I’m in the latter group, but there are plenty in the former group.

   9. Why can’t parents stop? Because the consequences of letting a kid mess up are so much more dire these days, because K-12 schools are failing all kids and especially those with special needs, because there are no land line phones …

      1. Can you elaborate? Do you mean more dire because of social media or maybe other factors that didn’t use to exist?

         1. Social media, exponentially more competitive and subjective college admissions without the leveling effect of required SAT scores, policing practices. In our county, any kid who is caught at a party where there are red solo cups is automatically arrested and charged with constructive possession, whether or not they were personally in possession. 30 years ago kids at a party were hauled in and released to their parents.

            1. This feels very illegal. Are you in the US? Has this been challenged?

            2. Yeah, when I was in high school in the 1990s, middle-class kids got a slap on the wrist, poor kids got arrested and charged for drinking. It was also a small town so when the city father’s daughter got busted for vodka in a hairspray bottle in middle school, she just got suspended (as opposed to expelled). I was actually happy when another girl challenged her expulsion for a similar infraction – she was from the “trashy” part of town but her parents decided to lawyer up (which was super rare).

            3. The definition of constructive possession is that it doesn’t matter whether you were in actual possession…

            4. Yes, but where do you live where constructive possession is illegal? In my state, it requires actual possession

         2. Not who you originally replied to but social media (and VPN tracking and other surveillance) make mistakes so much bigger than they were when we were kids. No one knows what laws I broke in some random suburban basement as a kid but now that stuff is all over SM and could seriously impact your career.

            1. I gotta be honest, I hire interns and I have NEVER encountered or taken into account dumb stuff an applicant did in high school. I have better things to do with my time than go digging for that. Maybe if they grow up and run for congress, but for most careers, this isn’t really a thing

      2. From my perspective, schools actually have higher expectations on high school kids than what was placed on me 30 years ago. Today, it’s hard for a kid to dabble in a little bit of everything. Seemingly every activity, not just sports, requires enormous time commitments from teens and their parents. Plus, other expectations that IMO are just plain overkill. And somehow, that’s not supposed to affect their academic performance at all. /s

         My kid’s 9th grade year has been a huge wake-up call. He’s stressed. We’re stressed. He obviously can’t drive yet. Carpools have been a bust because every family is going in a different direction. Or, Group A will practice from 3:30-5 but Group 1A only needs to be there from 4-4:45 or something weird.

         So, you have this pressure cooker situation where kids literally can’t take care of all the details and expectations without parental involvement on a basic level. Tomorrow, for example, my child has an extracurricular activity at another high school. Back in my day, a school bus would’ve taken the whole team there and parents might’ve shown up for the performance, or not at all. Now there’s no bussing because it’s technically within the school district, and we’re expected to get him there, pick him up, etc. It’s a young group, so … no older drivers.

         This is one of many examples I could give. The point is, when you’re involved at the microlevel for this long, I can sorta see how it becomes VERY hard to turn it off. We’ve started having weekly planning meetings with our kid just so we can all get on the same page about what’s happening, what needs to happen, and when he’ll have time to study. I hope he’s picking up some life skills in this exercise but the fact that we need to do it at all points out the problem. It’s too much for kids and their families. And what’s the solution? Not let him do any activities that he cares about and have the high school experience he wants to have (and we want him to have)?

         1. Yes, the level of detail for certain activities is completely over-the-top and really not age-appropriate for high schoolers. I routinely get several-screen, small font emails with detailed activity procedures AND complex permission regimes. I joke about wanting to send a note to school that says, “I trust your good judgment, I won’t sue.”

         2. Honestly – compromise and learn in life you cannot do everything. He/she shares rides with another player. Or He/she rides their bike. Or He/she does a different activity.

            Obviously the other kids/family has the same issues so you could reach out to the coach for solutions. If this is a community fill of rich SAHM well then I’d say move.

            1. Say you found out about this transportation business four days before the team’s first competition. It’s not spelled out anywhere, it was part of a huge information dump to the parents after months of rehearsals and such. WTF do you want me to do at that point?

      3. Zero-tolerance policies mean no grace is given when kids make a stupid decision.
         Rules for everything have become draconian and unforgiving. And I say this as someone who is a rule-follower to a fault, so.
         Services that schools used to provide have basically evaporated, so more is expected from students and parents, not less.
         And at the same time, there are almost too many choices for academic paths, so every individual decision feels magnified and consequential. Whether that’s actually true is debatable, but that’s how it feels.
         People are stressed at the societal level, which trickles down to families, and so the stakes for failing feel really high.

         1. It seems that teachers are also complaining that they are forced to take on roles they didn’t sign up for, like social worker and surrogate parent. It seems odd that all aspects of school services and supports could be failing at once (so both parents and teachers think too much is on them) but a lot of people seem to be reporting that.

            1. Yeah, I genuinely think it’s both. I sympathize with teachers, I really do. Many of my friends and family members are teachers, and I know they deal with way too much. And at the same time, I am forced to do so much more school-related stuff than my parents ever dealt with. My mom concurs, for whatever it’s worth.

            2. The US, at least, is massive, and k-12 education is hyperlocal. Where I live now, getting parental involvement is like pulling teeth. I don’t have even have kids, and have more involvement with student extracurriculars than most parents (except for football. They all turn out to relive their glory days there).
               Where I used to live was the opposite, at least in the schools my hood was zoned for. There the involvement was massive, often to the point of overinvolvrment/PTA cliques. They definitely didn’t want help or volunteers who didn’t have kids at the school.

   10. You can be skeptical all you want but you haven’t had kids those ages yet. So it’s armchair parenting at best.

       I’m not yesterday’s OP but when my college freshman was talking about unaliving himself because he was so miserable, you bet I took every single call, every text, every interruption.

       There’s the theoretical and then there’s reality.

       No one who hasn’t walked in those shoes should judge.

       1. That is very different than doing homework for a kid because you’re worried about her failing a class though.

          1. I am yesterday’s OP. I’ve seen a friend’s kid be expelled for poor academic performance and several others’ face severe mental health crises. That’s what I’m afraid of.

             1. But is that where we are? I think our anxiety is pushing us to the edge. Your daughter is not about to get expelled.

             2. And I am NOT doing her homework.

             3. That seems a bit catastrophic considering you said her first semester grades were mostly good (I assume that means a B at worst) with one ok (C?) grade. If she had actually failed multiple courses that would be a very different story.

             4. You need to back off. College freshman needs to figure out life on her own. If she fails out thats a data point for her to realize she needs help managing ADHD that isn’t mom.

             5. If she doesn’t get treatment and learn to manage her ADHD, you’re just prolonging the inevitable and will be picking up the pieces when she keeps getting fired from jobs, or goes through a divorce. The stakes in college are still low in the grand scheme of things. If “crash and burn” is the only way she’ll address the ADHD elephant in the room, now is the time. Chances are, your worst fears won’t come to fruition, but if she did go into a crisis, college and still on your health insurance policy is the time/place for it to happen.

          2. It’s not all that different. Not every call was explicitly about self harm. Lots were “omg I’m going to fail this class” and that’s how it started.

             1. This was actually one of my first thoughts with yesterday’s OP – that I’d be worried about not answering the texts too, because what if they were indicating a serious struggle? Yeah, I’d probably try to let her know I’m going to wait to respond after work unless she says it’s urgent, but I can see why this is more than just “cut the apron strings.”
                Youth suicide rates are higher than when we were teens. It’s worth being cautious.

             2. Yesterday’s OP here. This exactly. My friend’s son went from “school is great” to “actually I am failing a class” to talk of —- in a matter of days. It was scary and she has been a basket case for two years now.

                Big hugs to you and your son.

   11. My 12 yo doesn’t have a phone or social media. So…what exactly would you like him (or me) to do?? Let’s hear how you parent your baby! I am sure we will have opinions.

   12. Some days I’m really to have missed all the morning drama here.

   13. Parenting is a lot of slippery slopes. Often you end up someplace and aren’t really sure how; things can always be corrected, but they take clear vision and huge effort. (As an example, you have a baby who won’t be put down so you end up cosleeping against your original plan and soon you have a 15-month-old who nurses all night. But now you are so exhausted it’s a Herculean effort to course correct. Or you are in the throes of morning sickness and give your toddler hours of TV and now he’s an addicted screaming mess, and it’s a rough time of detoxing. Extrapolate that out to “bigger kids, bigger problems”.)

       I’m going to stir the pot more: people are having much smaller families than they used to, and it’s exacerbating these types of problems. Suddenly parents CAN helicopter, because it’s a lot easier to do everything for one or two kids than for four or five. And each child becomes more “precious” in terms of being a scarce good, so parents feel they need to pour everything they can into each child. It sounds great, until you realize that children need some adversity and struggle to become independent and healthy, and we are at risk of handicapping an entire generation — kids who can’t launch and have fragile mental health because they have no self-confidence or esteem.

       I was just having a related conversation…show of hands, how many parents not only attend every game/competition, but ALSO sit and watch all the practices. It boggles the mind; our kids need more freedom than we are giving them, starting in elementary school.

       1. I don’t think it really has anything to do with family size. My only child has a lot more freedom than many kids we know from big families and I haven’t noticed that trend among friend and acquaintances. If anything I feel like there’s an argument that it’s the opposite way – SAHMs tend to have bigger families and are more likely to attend every practice because they don’t work outside the home. The working moms I know may only have one or two kids but they’re too busy with work to smother their kids.

          1. I definitely know some smothery SAHMs with 3-4 kids. Especially when they hit school, some of these women warp into overdrive and go to all the practices and games and join every committee.

             1. Anecdotally, some SAHMs, especially ones who have never worked outside the home, seem much more worried about stranger danger than other parents. My kid and her pack of friends (many of whom happen to be only children) started trick or treating together at age 6. For the first year or two we followed them a block or two behind but by age 8 they were completely on their own. I know SAHMs of 3+ kids who don’t allow their 12 year olds to trick or treat alone because they think they’ll get snatched.

             2. I’ve noticed this as well – I know one who won’t let her high school aged kids walk to and from school in West LA because it’s too dangerous. That’s extreme but I meet people who are suprised my kids can go to local coffee shops and stores on their own as preteens/teens. Yet these are the same people who want their kids to go to elite colleges and live in the dorms. I don’t get it.

       2. As a parent, I don’t know if course correction always needs a huge effort, but it can and it’s always best to start as you mean to go on. There’s also such a wealth of information and misinformation that you can probably find something to support any kind of practice (cry it out makes your kid an axe m*rderer OR is the only way your kid won’t be living in your basement at 54).

          I agree that smaller families don’t help with overparenting either. That said, I know people with three and four kids that are micromanagers and people with onlies that are pretty ¯_(ツ)_/¯ about everything. In the US at least, it’s cultural and has to do with class aspirations and class anxiety. If any party wanted to be really family-friendly, they could do stuff like fix the dependent care tax credit, have free (and NOT means-tested) preschool, and staff aftercare. Oh, and pay for school breakfast and lunch regardless of income.

       3. I can see family size playing a role; you only have so much mental space to worry.

          2 things frustrate me about these debates – okay more than 2 but 2 I’m thinking of right now:

          1- we always talk about what mothers are doing wrong, not fathers. I get that we’re mostly women posting here but even among us, we default to everything being up to mothers.

          2 – I feel like I can’t win as a parent. I often worry I am doing two opposite things wrong simultaneously, like being overprotective AND underprotective. (E.g. this morning people were critical that kids aren’t taking transit alone and others are worried they will get sexually assaulted if they do). I am almost never sure I am doing it right, or especially, if I am doing ENOUGH. And there’s no way to be sure I am.

   14. I’m not a parent, but I’m actually a little touched when I read these posts. My mom wasn’t really involved in anything I did, and I think it’s cool when people’s moms are involved like this. Maybe it’s over the top sometimes, but when people are actually worried about it, they are on the right track.

       For OP this morning, is your son old enough for you to just tell him what you think is going on with Jane and Jane’s mom? He may or may not agree to hang out, but it’s an opportunity to think this through with compassion. Even if he says no now, the thoughtfulness part will stick.

       1. I had kind of the same reaction about talking to your kid — I don’t think at age 12 you force a one-on-one play date with a kid your kid isn’t interested in, but if you like the parents (and it sounds like they do) I think it’s pretty normal and fine to tell your kid that your family is going to spend Saturday afternoon at the pool or whatever with Jane’s family. Kids sometimes have to hang out with their parents’ friends’ kids that they’re not particularly close to, and it’s not the end of the world as long as they have plenty of opportunities to hang out with their own friends too. My kids are younger but we do a lot of family hangouts with a couple of my husband’s colleagues and their kids. The kids get along fine but aren’t friends and don’t interact outside of these hangouts even though they attend the same school.

          1. OP from this morning here – I did sort of talk to my son about it a bit, I think – I definitely asked him if Jane had friends, and I think we talked about whether it might be hard for her to make friends. Her social life or lack thereof is just not on his radar. But that also makes me think she is probably not a huge target for bullying; he would probably have noticed if everyone was picking on her. My husband asked if she had a dedicated paraprofessional, which would generally indicate a student who needs a lot of extra support, and my son said she does not. His school is all ICT, so every class has a special ed teacher + regular teacher, and there are a lot of kids with different flavors of IEPs, plus a special program for kids with autism. So she may not actually stand out that much. It’s a pretty heterogeneous student body in general.

             Either way, I don’t want to make him feel like it his responsibility to be her social support just because he went to daycare with her when he was 3 and I’m friendly with her mom. I don’t think that will work out. I do of course expect him to be kind to her as I would with anyone.

             In terms of having the family over – we just don’t really entertain at all and haven’t since the pandemic for a variety of reasons. Mainly, we are introverts living in a cramped two-bedroom apartment with no outdoor space; finding seats for 4 more people would be a production. And we got out of the habit and our son grew up and made friends with kids whose parents we don’t know because he goes to a middle school in a different neighborhood. I still get together with friends, just not at home.

             Jane’s mom and I were never very close–we bonded in the way you do with people who have kids the same age as yours when they are very young–but she’s a nice person and I don’t want to hurt her. It’s just pretty out of the blue; it has probably been 8+ years since our families spent any time together.

          2. Fair enough. I wasn’t trying to be critical of you – your son is definitely not responsible for Jane’s social life and if you haven’t seen the mom in 8 years it makes sense you aren’t in a hurry to host their family. But I do think there are situations where the parents are friendly and kids can be made to hang out even if they aren’t really friends.

             1. Oh definitely! Sorry to be defensive.

6. We’re taking a Galapagos cruise this summer but will have two full days in Quito before heading to the islands. Any recs on day trips, restaurants, or activities for Quito?

   1. No specific recs, but be careful not to overschedule —the altitude will take a hit on you!

   2. I got mugged at gun point in Quito with a group of friends incl men while in view of our nice hotel just after dark. Take their “never walk anywhere” advice seriously.

   3. Go to Mashpi Lodge. It ended up being as memorable as our Galapagos time.

      1. You or someone else mentioned this here years ago and I’ve been dreaming of it ever since — looks absolutely amazing!

7. I like Trina Turk pants, blouses, sweaters and jackets for work. I filter for black for basics, and also like the teal and burgundy pieces. I skip the brights.

8. Talk to me about about dressing for your body shape. I’m 5’9″ and almost 200 lbs. My bust and hips are both 47″, and my waist is 38″, so I feel like I’m between hourglass and apple shaped. I also have a very short torso – there’s just a few inches between my bust and waist. I’m struggling with business casual and professional attire that looks good on me, while also balancing trying to lose weight. Any advice or resources would be greatly appreciated!

   1. Some people swear by the Kibbe method. It is a heck of a rabbit hole though with a lot of ambiguity so I’d study it enough to get a sense of “foundations” — the “why” behind the recommendations for each type — without spending too much time trying to get ultraprecise about you fit in exactly. While I wouldn’t rely on it as the be-all end-all, it can help guide fashion decisions.

      Without seeing photos, I’d suggest you are a soft dramatic or soft natural given your height and curves, but hard to say without photos! Try googling those keywords + “work outfit” to get a sense of what professional attire tends to go well with those lines. And type doesn’t fluctuate with weight, so you can keep referencing these resources over time.

      1. My measurements and height are remarkably similar to OP’s. I looked at Kibbe but it seems all the examples and quiz questions are aimed at thin to very thin women. I got nothing from it.

   2. I really like the body shape masterclass styling videos from Melissa Merrell, like these:

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Iewq6cvHNUw
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xP3g2ItL2RY
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k4jB4ExbwkI

   3. I am about 50 lbs over my ideal weight and will not be losing it any time soon. The pounds crept up slowly so I had plenty of work clothes that mostly fit, but that were outdated (mostly pre-pandemic). Last fall I was fed up with feeling like a chubby, frumpy, aging empty nester and went on a shopping spree that was somewhat more intentional than anything I’ve done before.

      I knew I wanted to stick with a set color scheme (navy, black, olive, camel, sky blue, medium grey, and cream). I basically wanted to end up with at least one pair of pants, a blazer or jacket, a long sleeve blouse, a short sleeve blouse, and either a knit tee or a sweater in most of these colors. I went with mall brands, bought a bunch of stuff in my honest size, tried it all on, immediately returned the pieces that I didn’t like for any reason. I have been mixing and matching from the items I kept for several months now and love how I look. The cuts on some things took some getting used to (like pleated pants), but I get so many compliments and feel great.

      1. I didn’t finish!

         Meant to say: for me, making sure my outfits go together, fit my “today” body well, and are reasonably current all made me feel much better about how I am dressed on any given day. I’ve also found it much easier to get rid of old stale items that don’t feel flattering now that I have a decent number of things that do work well.

         1. I’m so happy to hear about your shopping spree. So often when women gain weight they/we feel like we don’t deserve nice things until we lose the weight. I’ve fallen victim to that as well. Your new wardrobe sounds wonderful to me.

   4. I think I am built somewhat similarly – maybe less hourglassy but very busty with a somewhat short torso – and I look best in tops that hit below my natural waist, ideally closer to my hip. Gathered waists and skirts look terrible on me, as do belted dresses or anything that emphasizes the waist. I like straight leg pants, ideally “mid-rise” so they hit at my belly button, and drapey tops with a sweater blazer over them. Drapey tops show that I have some shape but still allow me to blouse them out enough to drop over my natural waist and make it look a bit lower. I also like semi-fitted sweaters that hit at my hip.

9. I am looking for resources in making a decision about whether to rent or buy in NYC. I’m playing with the rent v buy calculator on NYTimes and looking for other resources and anecdotes too. I think the kicker is we have one child now and want one or two more in the next 5 years. Anecdotally should we just wait until we know our family is complete to buy? We have to move anyways when we have another baby, which we hope will be in the next 2 years. It’s not crucial that we move this year, but our rent is high and we like but don’t love our apartment.

   *repost from Fridays post since I posted late in the day—thank you to those who responded there!

   1. Are you committed to staying in NYC? I jumped to the burbs when I had kids, but I know that’s not for everyone. If you think that’s a near-term possibility, I’d probably keep renting and sock away all you can for an eventual downpayment. Buying a place and moving comes with some deep costs that probably aren’t worth it unless you plan to stay for 5+ years.

      1. Oh! Meant to add that you should go to some open houses to get a real feel for the options out there and what your budget can support. Maybe you will find something you love and it will be an easy choice to buy (or vice versa and you confirm your options are better renting). We went to open houses for YEARS before buying our first house. It really helped solidify what we wanted

   2. Brick Underground has a lot of information on the current market, plus calculators and advice. Not every article is gold, but it’s generally quick reading. With interest rates high, it’s a rough time to buy unless you’re in a position to go all cash. But if you are, you may be able to get a good deal. I do believe that we will have a lot of new apartments built in the coming 2-5 years, which should help with prices. So I would probably wait.

   3. It will never cost less to buy than it does today. In your shoes, I’d get a house in the burbs big enough for your projected family. There’s worse things than having extra space if you have fewer kids in the end.

   4. I think it depends on a lot of missing information. Assuming you currently plan to stay in the city, how big of an apartment do you ultimately anticipate needing? How big of a place can you currently afford? Is your rent currently high or are you able to save a decent amount if you stay put? Do you know where you want your kids to go to school? That’s a lot of variables in NYC.

10. In response to the poster asking about hybrid Highlanders earlier this week:

    Family of four here. We have had our AWD model since 2021 and love it. We camp 2-3 times a summer, ski weekly in the winter, and go on at least one long 9-10 hour road trip every year. We do have cross bars on the roof and ski rack for the winter. For summer activities, we have managed to fit everything in the trunk thus far and have not needed to expand to a roof box yet. Have a tower hitch for bikes.

    The Highlander juuuuuust squeezes into the garage of our 100 YO house. Minivans would not fit; otherwise, I would have pushed for a Sienna. Minivans with their sliding doors and massive low/deep trunk would have been so much more practical for our lifestyle. Our giant checked luggage suitcase can fit while standing upright in the trunk of any minivan (and with the third row in use). The only way that this suitcase fits in our Highlander is if the third row is flat and the suitcase is on its side.

    Like the other poster, we have captain chairs in the second row and I wish we’d just gotten bench seat now that we’re thick in the carpool years. The third row seats three—while tight for adults, it was on par / more comfy than the MDX and XC 90 we’d test driven at the time. We often have elementary classmates back there. I (petite and flexible) have sat back there on road trip and it was fine. Do not want our parents to crawl back there though (unlike a minivan where they can simply duck & walk).

    Not sure what the poster who had the Highlander as a rental was talking about…with the third row seat folded, the trunk is very flat. But under the trunk is where the spare and jack/tools are. There are some pockets of space around the tools—we have some extra clothes for everyone, a first aid kit, and jumpstart power pack tucked in ours.

    Mileage-wise, we mostly drive locally (very hilly) and hover around 30-33MPG. Drops down in the winter when the roof bars and ski rack are installed.

11. Is there a replacement parts source for Instant Pot® Omni® 18L 7-in-1 Air Fryer Toaster Oven. I need a new door. This is when I wish I had a handy parent or man!

    1. Have you tried searching the manufacturer’s replacement parts page? And if not listed there, reaching out through their contact info asking if they have your specific part available?

       1. Yes! I searched and reached out and got an automated no- plus rddit* seems to confirm. But this is where I harken back to when my parents took everything to the local vacuum/sewing machine/radio repair shop guy. Thinking I might not be looking for the right non-branded dupe!?

          1. The manufacturer may have certified repair people. Of course they would push the official brand parts, but they might know of options, too, if you call or can go see one nearby or check their yelp or google review page

    2. Page link: https://instantpot.com/collections/accessories-parts-1

    3. Thank you both so far! Instant pot doesn’t make or endorse official part replacements for this unit. But it cost $150 and I just got it for the holidays so I’m really hoping there’s another source, even if unofficial/dupe, out there! The handle is irretrievably busted/sheared off after my college age nephew somehow pushed it off the counter. (I’m not mad. Won’t make him pay. Things happen when hosting family.) Is this something that exists that I’m just not using the right words to search for?

       1. Is it a recent enough purchase that you can return or exchange? Although maybe not, since you describe damage rather than a defect.

          Otherwise, I think you are too optimistic. Unlike with many older workhorse appliances that were made to be repaired, there just aren’t always aftermarket parts for modern day countertop appliances. These aren’t really manufactured with repairability in mind.

          Your most likely solution if you want to keep this one is to rig something up yourself. Use some ingenuity and a hefty dose of forgiveness for imperfect appearance.

12. Walking around dc today it’s either women who look like Russian escorts or old men in camo. Wild coalition they’ve got over there in the fascist side.

    1. I truly don’t understand the fashion and plastic surgery decisions, why do they do that to to themselves?!!

       1. Vulgarity is essential to both their ethos and aesthetic.

       2. It’s just another variety of Dictator Chic.

13. Paging mom of college daughter who keeps calling for help.I went through a very similar situation. First you need to get a diagnosis. This is absolutely key. That means extensive testing. My college freshman went for 3 days of testing at a place recommended by the university psychologist. She turned out to have a problem with brain processing speed in addition to ADHD. Once you know the exact problem and have it documented in writting the school will set up accommodations for her. For example, they recommended a special note book and microphone pen. She could play back her written class notes by tapping the pen into any part of the written notes. Who knew that even existed. There are other practical strategies the university psychologist had as well. List making, using timers, extra test time, and on and on. The improvement was incredible and her stress level came down to a manageable level. Utilize the schools psychological counseling center to start and for referrals Weekly counseling is also very helpful with an outside psychologist. Best of luck. It will be ok. In the end my child graduated and is now in grad school.

    1. I think the student already has a diagnosis.

       Wait, does ADHD get extra test time in college? Really?

       1. You don’t know its only ADHD without real and comprehensive testing.

       2. Yes, they get extra time if they demand it. It’s really unfair (and bad preparation for the real world where they won’t get extra time).

          In an attempt to remove the extra time advantage, my college professor husband deliberately writes his tests to be completed in much less time than the time allotted so that even neurotypical students should feel like they have plenty of time. Extra time would be a much bigger advantage if the test was designed to take the entire hour and many kids were running out of time. We know other profs who do the same.

          1. Part of the basis of my diagnosis was that it took me many times longer to do simple cognitive tasks as a NT person, even if I felt as though I was really rushing.

             I’m not sure what “preparation for the real world” there could be; it will always be this way.

             College exams are generally supposed to be about mastery of content, not speed, so it makes sense to write them in such a way that they’re testing what they’re intended to test and not cognitive tempo instead.

             1. You don’t get extra time at work for deadlines if you have ADHD so I think setting up the expectation that they get twice as long to do everything in college does them a disservice in the long run.

                I agree tests should evaluate mastery and not speed, but often on college tests speed is a big part of the grade and even neurotypical people vary a lot in how quick they are, so you definitely end up with bright people who’ve mastered the material getting worse grades than they deserve because they couldn’t finish the test on time, and it seems really unfair in that situation to allow other people to have twice as long to do it.

                I feel like extra time on tests only makes sense if ADHD is completely binary – you have it or you don’t have it at all. But cognitive focus is really a spectrum and it just seems really unfair to me to draw a line in the middle of the spectrum and say everyone on one side of the line gets twice as long for the test as the people on the other side of the line.

             2. I think it sets the correct expectation, which is that you’ll realistically have to dedicate twice as much time to getting a lot of tasks done than your colleagues will. Setting the expectation that you can get things done in the same amount of time is unrealistic.

    2. My husband went through that kind of testing and got accommodations, but it was his decision. The issue for that OP was that her daughter isn’t willing to take steps on her own.

    3. The daughter has a diagnosis and is refusing to use any of the accommodations.

    4. How does any of that launch a functioning adult?

       1. Not “doing it completely for them” but coaching through navigating the health system (ie how do I get a neuropsych referral, how do I find a provider who accepts. this insurance, etc) actually sounds well within the range of normal support to give a young adult kid – especially one with few health issues as a child, where this might not have been on the radar so much. Doubly so for mental health care – it comes up often here that even *completely* grown up grown-ups can need a spouse/family member to help them make a first appointment, as an exception to a general “adults should manage their own health” rule.

          Detailed testing can help a person figure out their strengths and weaknesses within the ADHD bucket – eg what specific kinds of information intake and processing do/don’t work for them – I’d consider wanting to know that about yourself, and how to work around it, a great sign for a young adult launching! if her daughter is interested in pursuing this, with some and coaching and help along the way, I think it’s appropriate for the parents to help with (different from a parent arranging all this for a college student who doesn’t want to engage)

14. Can anyone recommend any good books or other resources about bullying, especially ones that might be helpful to neurodivergent teens? I’ve done a fair amount of research but much of what I’m finding–especially most of the evidence-based stuff–seems to be geared at schools and teachers rather than bullying victims themselves. I’m trying to put some resources together for teens and young adults who are dealing with bullying. TIA!

    1. I thought Dan Savage had the “it gets better” organization or movement? Telling kids it will be ok, focus on the future. It focused on LGBTQ+ kids but certainly applies universally. I also think of The Laramie Project, is that still active?

       Similarly the anti-defamation league ADL has resources for reporting and escalating bullying on account of religion or political viewpoints that may be applicable; may not be

       There used to be a group against “the r-word”. Sorry I don’t know of any anti-bullying on behalf of neurodivergent victims

       1. Sorry I see now “The Laramie Project” was the name of a movie about the horrible murder. I thought there was a group devoted to preventing such views and helping victims but I can’t quickly find it

          1. Maybe you’re thinking of the Trevor Project?

    2. I’d recommend looking for resources around resilience. There is a great book on parenting resilient kids that is escaping me right now, but at the end, it has a list of related works that probably includes some teen-friendly works. I’m hoping someone will remember this book (came out within the past 20 years but not the last 2) and will be able to recommend it to you. If it comes back to me, I’ll come back and share!

15. Welcome to my low stakes search for preserved peaches. Fresh peaches are one of the top five fruits. Preserved peaches are not as nice but from my childhood I remember tinned peaches in Sirup would have that alluring sweetness, albeit not the fruity tartness. I find that peaches in a glass jar and frozen peaches (both from trader Joe’s) are just like wet cardboard. Any brands that you like?

    1. In my experience, the brand on the jar can only do so much flavor-wise if the peaches inside weren’t harvested during the best growing season ever, on the day they fully ripened, and processed immediately. I do notice that some brands have better processing (no little bits of stem or pit, fewer missed flaws or poorly peeled slices, etc.).

    2. I would hit a local farm stand or orchard. The kind of place that also sells stuff they don’t make, but it’s good stuff. Sorry that doesn’t help much unless you’re adjacent to I-85 between Virginia and Atlanta

    3. Not helpful in your search in January but all the farmers markets around me will sell you “jam seconds” (usually a little bruised but very ripe and delicious) for cheap, and you can make your own

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