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Anon
Looking for ideas a last minute Mother’s Day gift to order for my mom (who lives in a different state)
Anonymous
Mother’s Day is not for 20 more days. It is not last minute. What does she like?
Anon
+1 I haven’t even thought about it yet, and I’m an in advance gift buyer. It’s so not last minute.
Anon
Not the OP, but I have to ship things, so I need to allow for that and two weeks out is when I need to be executing a plan.
AIMS
Aura frame, if she likes photos.
A nice citrus or other plant. My go to for my mom has been a new rose bush every year now that she has a little garden.
Spa gift card or nice slippers/sandals.
Perfume – my mom loves all the Jo Malone scents.
New subscription or membership to something she enjoys. Botanical garden if she likes plants, or Acorn TV if she likes British procedurals.
Jules
We got my mother an Aura frame for her recent 85th birthday. My sister who organized it sent her children and grandchildren a link to the software for the Aura and we all uploaded a ton of photos to her frame in advance, so that when she turned it on she saw hundreds of family pictures. We can add to it as we go along, for instance uploading some more after a family trip to Arizona for Thanksgiving. She loves it.
Cat
For planning ahead for next year, I keep a note in my phone of things my mom has mentioned in passing (like she wanted to try the cute sneakers look but couldn’t decide on a pair) and use that as inspiration.
For this year-
– Fancy consumables (whether food, bath, spa, floral arrangement)
– Mark & Graham does very cute monogrammed stuff on quick turnaround
– Subscription (magazine, streaming service)
– Upgrade of something she owns and loves
– Airpods Pro (or regular Airpods though ymmv on whether the plastic mold suits her ear shape) to make calls more comfortable
Anon
I am a mom old enough to have a Corporette reader daufhter (my daughter doesn’t actually read here). Here are some things I’d be very happy to receive this year;
– pearl earrings
– a Jo Malone fragrance
– a living flowering plant
– Bombas socks
– oversized linen shirt
– Kiehl’s Crème de Corps (esp the soufflée in a tub)
– my favorite tea and chocolate covered dried fruit
– Felco pruners and garden gloves
– a gift card for a spa pedicure
Anon
I am also a mom of adults and would love any of these (except gardening stuff bc I don’t garden but you know your mom). This is a great list.
Anonymous
See’s chocolates, either the soft center box or the truffles.
Anon
Or the Dark Chocolate Bordeaux! Those are my favorite. Yummm
Anon
Any suggestions for a wireless bra that will lift 50-something br#*%s? 34B. Please don’t suggest going to try on in person because I can’t do that.
Anonymous
You can try honeylove but the answer for lift is wire
Anon
This is the answer
Anon
Chantelle has supportive ones.
Cat
The Wacoal How Perfect Soft Cup provides great support without an underwire, though it does have two small pieces of boning on either side that I don’t notice at all.
Anon
I like the Enbliss line from Soma, particularly this one: https://www.soma.com/store/product/enbliss+bralette/570222599
anon
Jockey generation seamfree smoothing bralette from target. Straps are on the thicker side but they are extremely comfortable. I’m a DD and it has decent support.
Anony
It’s late so hopefully you see this – I’m the same size (rotate between 34B and 32C) and swear by Victoria’s Secret Love Cloud Wireless Push-Up. Just enough lift and it’s insanely comfortable. I’m currently wearing a new-to-me style, the PINK Seamless Wireless Push-Up Bralette in Size Small and it’s amazing. I might need to grab a couple more. I’ve tried Skims and hated them. I always end up back at VS. Between VS and the PINK line, there are 28 results for a “wireless push-up bra” on their website. My least favorite are the Sexy Tee Wireless Push-Up (they feel cheap). The PINK Everyday Wireless Push-Up are nice but they do run a tad small in the band size. HTH!
Fullyfunctional
At Target, the Auden brand “The Bliss” bra is perfect. Just bought my second one yesterday, 54 years old, 32B.
Anon
I was a bit surprised by some of the responses on yesterday’s morning thread about communicating with spouses and wanting more appreciation. It seems like there are a lot of people who really don’t want to say thank you on ordinary days and think that it’s worth digging in on that stance even when spouses have expressed a desire for it (or even when mothers are cooking three meals a day for years…) What’s so hard about saying thank you, especially if you know someone REALLY wants to hear it? It takes less than two seconds…even if you do it five new times a day, that’s ten seconds. Those ten seconds could literally make a spouse’s day way better at no cost to you, even if their love language isn’t words of affirmation. What am I missing here? Why WOULDN’T you do this?
Anon
I’m guessing because the woman’s work is just their default obligation and the husband’s work deserves over the top praise for going the extra mile? People aren’t bad. If they resent having to say thank you, there’s usually a deeper reason.
Anon
Saying “thank you” isn’t over the top praise
Anon
Right – no one is saying give your husband a banquet for doing the dishes, but “thank you honey” goes a long way on both sides.
Anon
I was just thinking of the one commenter who said their husband wants praise for doing regular daily chores while those things are just expected of her without comment.
Anyway, there’s a weird tone of superiority in chastising people about this. Sometimes women are just expressing frustrating at the double standards. The reality is that a lot of women are picking more than their fair share of domestic labor and then having to thank their partner for their minor contributions sets them over the edge.
Anon
I’m the commenter whose husband does the majority of chores. I thank him all the time. Yesterday he said he was washing the sheets. I thanked him. When we got into bed last night I noticed the sheets felt really good, I said so, and thanked him again. He just brought me a cup of tea and I thanked him again. It took nothing from me to thank him.
I do not understand why this is a hill people will die on, especially refusing to thank your mother who cooked three meals a day for you for 10+ years.
Anonymous
Ok, well slow clap 11:22. You do understand that some women don’t have that, right? I am acknowledging them, not people like you.
Anon
It’s not just in personal relationships. I am not trying to threadjack but I see a longer thread about just being polite. There is a discussion on a lawyer mom site where people are complaining about basic niceties diminishing their authority, or that saying “would you please do” instead of “please do” is an expectation for women but not men. Some said it is a geographical thing and that us soft midwesterners just don’t get how New Yorkers communicate. I don’t get it. Being nice does not diminish my authority and when in Rome (or Des Moines), do as the Romans do.
Flats Only
And, to be honest, the “would you please…” construction comes across as passive aggressive or sarcastic. When someone uses it with me I hear that “please” as a signal that they feel they’ve asked me before and I didn’t do whatever it is. I much much rather “Please set up X meeting” or “Would you make sure X meeting gets set up, please”.
Anon
This is you. There’s nothing wrong with saying would you please.
Anon
Random, but what is the lawyer moms site? I don’t know many lawyer moms in real life, and would love to check it out
AIMS
Isn’t it this?
AIMS
I meant to say Corpor*tte Moms…
Anon
I used to work late and the janitor often came in to empty my trash while I was at my desk. I said hello and thank you every time, although there was a language barrier.
One of these times I was sitting in my colleague’s office, and my colleague just ignored the janitor and I was so uncomfortable. I said hi and thanks on his behalf, and my coworker rolled his eyes. What would it have taken from him to say thank you?
Anon
See I never thank my husband for taking out the trash but I always thank the janitor at work.
Anon
Want to know why the divorce rate is somewhere between 35% and 50%? Because some people would rather spend years fighting over simple, easy s–t than extend basic courtesy to their spouse.
My soon to be ex husband is a master at this. I just got tired of him saying “yeah I guess it was unreasonable of me to spend so long fighting you over something so trivial and you were right.” It’s a power play.
Anonymous
Yup
Anon
Thank you.
Anon
^ I see what you did there!
Anon
You’re welcome. :)
Cb
I’m not always great at saying please, I’ll ask in a nice tone but sometimes miss out the actual word please and my husband and/or kid will gently remind me. But we are big on thank yous. I do most of the cooking, and my husband and son will ALWAYS say “thank you for a lovely dinner”, and I’ll thank my husband for doing things for me.
I would say thank you to a stranger who held a door, I should be just as nice if not nicer to my family?
Anon
We say thank you all the time too. It’s not even something we consciously chose to do – we just do it, including for routine chores, and it’s probably one of our most used phrases in a day. I’m happy with that. It feels good to have our most used phrases be positive ones and it makes me think we might be able to handle our incoming first child okay.
Anon
I think it’s really important to model this behavior for your kids, so good on you.
Anon
I think it’s one person who wants to be thanked for every single thing (and it feels transactional, like that is a tax on the act) and one person who does a lot and is never acknowledged. Those are the people who get married.
Anon
What is the tax burden of saying thank you? Seriously what does it cost you? It seems like you’re just being stubborn.
Anon
It is starting to feel transactional, which is not how I like to feel in any relationship that is supposed to be close.
Anon
You are taking a lot out of context. I completely agree that if someone wants to hear thank you, and that is how they feel valued, then yes it’s a great idea to do that! I am one of those “digging in” posters, and my point was I really could care less about being thanked for dinner. I am not a words of affirmation person. I am acts of service, and our family does lots of acts of service for each other and so we feel valued. We do practice politeness and manners at the table, but *to me*, obligatory “thank yous” and “this tastes great” every single night read as fake and meaningless (same with rote apologies, etc.) The bigger picture is communicating with your family and making sure each person feels loved and valued, in a way specific to them.
None of the posters yesterday were saying “my spouse wants me to thank them for dinner and I just won’t, ha!” We were expressing that different families have different modes of operating.
Anon
Do you say thank you to other people? In your family, that is?
Anon
This discussion has given me lots to think about, even just the perspective that lots of people feel differently than I do. And yes, we say thank you for lots of things all the time! But it is rarely a compulsory thing, and not every day for routine things. My kids have to make their beds in the morning, and I don’t thank them every day. If they did a particularly great job or efficiently got ready for school, I will remark on it.
What is baffling to me is the “digging in” comments were literally related only to making dinner, and others are extrapolating it to mean we are rude and never say thank you. I don’t LIKE being told thank you unless it is authentic, so why is everyone implying that I should feel uncomfortable every night for the sake of politeness?
Anon
I think the digging in was more for the comment “I hate that my husband wants to be thanked for everything” or “we don’t do that, I never thanked my mom growing up.”
Anon
But your examples are not the kids doing something for you. When you make dinner, you are doing something for the kids and your husband? If you didn’t do it, they would have to make themselves dinner. Whether or not their bed is made doesn’t impact you
Senior Attorney
But… I thank my husband each and every time he cooks dinner for me, and it’s “authentic” each and every time. How could it not be? I really do appreciate it even if it wasn’t the very best meal I’ve ever eaten.
anon
Exactly Senior Attorney. Some of these comments are just…. baffling to me.
SC
This was my parents’ mentality when I was growing up. It was, “everyone do your part, and all the thanks I need for cooking dinner is not having to nag you about picking the clothes off the floor of your room later.”
My husband’s family says “thank you” for every little thing. I found it a little startling when we first started dating. My husband wanted more verbal affirmations and expressions of gratitude when we got married. So I do tell him “thank you” for cooking every night, and I mean it. With my son, I probably say “good job!” more often than “thank you.”
anon
Thank you for this sensible clarification! (not said sarcastically.)
Cat
I agree with this. DH and I are not constantly thanking each other for handling our chores. That doesn’t mean we aren’t appreciative of each other. If dinner is especially good one night we’ll say so / compliment the cook and be sure to keep the recipe, but “thanks for that great dinner!” every time we heat up soup does not feel meaningful.
No, this does not mean we’re incapable of saying thank you or giving a thank-you gift to others when appropriate, like hosting us for dinner, watering our plants when we’re away, whatever.
anon
This is how we operate. I think we do a good job appreciating each other overall, though, so it doesn’t feel “necessary” to thank each other for every small task. That would get a little old, honestly. But if I make a great dinner, I love when my kids and DH say so. And when DH goes out of his way to complete a big yard project that I wanted, you’d better believe that I express some gratitude.
Anon
For us, the level of gratitude is definitely scaled to the task. If, for example, DH puts gas in our (shared) car, that’s a “oh great, thanks, I was meaning to do that.” Picking up my favorite cake from our local bakery is something like “you’re the best” and a kiss. Pulling off something Herculean to avoid a house or car disaster (or save us a lot of money) is profuse thanks, discussion of how awful it would have been if he hadn’t found the solution, and probably a second thank-you later. I agree with other posters that it’s weird to be too over the top, but that’s where the quick “ok thanks!” is perfect.
Anon
This. Normal stuff doesn’t get thank yous or compliments in my family. Special stuff does but it’s not effusive (“this dinner was great! Let’s make it again soon”) but we’re very polite and generous with people outside of our family.
Anon
I know you want to be right but maybe try thanking for ordinary things. Gratitude has psychological benefits.
anon
Anon at 11:53, would you stop trying to manage other people’s relationships? DH would be weirded out if I started spouting empty platitudes.
Anon
“Thank you” is two words. It’s a stretch to call it a platitude. You sound like a desperately unhappy person.
Senior Attorney
Anon at 11:59, it’s so weird to me that you discount any possibility that frequent “thank yous” could possibly be genuine. Where does that come from?
Anon
I will agree that it would be weird to me if my family always said a meal was so tasty, even when it’s something simple. But thank you is just politeness. It is acknowledging that someone did something for you. I would be disappointed if my husband didn’t thank me for making dinner, just like I thank him when he takes the car for an oil change.
Anon
I don’t know that I’d marry someone like this. My husband and I are just nice to each other. He’s my favorite person and vice versa and basic courtesy isn’t much to ask.
Anon
Personally, if my spouse expressed a desire to be thanked for work then I’d do it to make him happy.
It would never occur to me ti thank someone for chores because I grew up in a family where it’s just expected that if you see something that needs to be done you do it (even if it’s not “your chore”), so this applies to regular chores and irregular ones. I was also raised in an environment where you don’t get praise for either doing your job or helping out a friend or family member; once again it’s just expected. I guess the “thanks” you get is the reciprocation of help when you need it.
A lot of stuff my family doesn’t even blink at doing for each other are things that many on this board, and in my real life, are shocked by. For example, my uncle’s MIL couldn’t safely navigate the steps in her house anymore and in the 9 months it took to sell their house and move he went over every. single. night. to carry her up the stairs. After my grandmother died and my grandfather moved to a retirement community, we didn’t hire movers; my entire family (included aunts and uncles in their 60s) helped him move. My 19 year old cousin moved in with my grandparents for a semester because my grandfather was recovering from surgery and needed assistance doing most daily tasks but my grandmother wasn’t strong enough to help him.
On a much smaller scale, when my grandmother was dying I was in my early 20s and lived a few hours away from home. My grandmother and I were really close, so it was a really hard time for me emotionally and I came home every weekend to visit her and to help out my parents. My parents spent all of their waking hours either at work or at the hospice; they were barely home to sleep and relied completely on take out and the like. When I was home, I too spent most of my time visiting my grandmother but I also made sure that every weekend I found time to help out at my parents’: I’d run the vacuum, do a load or two of laundry, clean out the fridge, take out the trash, do dishes. Basically whatever looked like it needed to be done because I knew they had no capacity to think about that. I know they appreciated it but they never said anything about it. I felt helpless being away from home Monday morning – Friday night and this was a small way I could help. Likewise, my roommate at the time (who is still a close friend) would do things to help me out since I was very stressed and gone all weekend every weekend. I often came home to a clean apartment and a little treat from her (she’s pickup a fun pastry for me or get flowers for the apartment, one time I had a piece of ikea furniture delivered and she built it for me when I was gone).
We have a rough balance of chores, but really we all do everything (like it blows my mind that I have friends who never shovel, rake, or unload groceries because their male partners do it?). And, if one of us is really busy with work or is sick or whatever, they don’t even have to ask for help, the other one will take on more work to lessen the burden. Compare this to my friend who worked in public health during the pandemic. Her husband is very rigid with their division of labor and all but refused to take on some of her tasks while she was working 100 hour weeks because they had divided household chores equally and for him a global pandemic in which his wife was doing lifesaving work did not impact her ability to complete her chores.
Anon
Personally, I don’t like the “if you see a chore that needs to be done, do it” system because then it means that the woman usually ends up doing it. The man suddenly doesn’t see it. We prefer a division of labor that is pretty clear, but we can always ask the other person to step in for any reason and they will say yes. Strikes the right balance for us.
Anon
Well I’m married to an adult, so he knows that hey the trash looks full so I’ll take it out. Not “seeing” that it’s full is such BS and I wouldn’t have married a man who doesn’t recognize that.
Anon
Fair enough, but I think that it will still be inequitable a lot of the time. If the woman cooks dinner because she likes cooking and is better at it, she’ll be in the kitchen more and will see all the kitchen chores – dirty floor, compost bin, trash, everything. It’ll be a lot more work for her simply by location default if the standard is “if you see it, deal with it.” Different strokes!
Anon
Once again, having married an adult who isn’t sh!tty, if I cook he cleans up and vice versa. We’ve just fallen into a pretty equal division of labor by being attentive both to what the other one’s done and what needs to be done. Hamper looks full? One of us will run a load. Grass looks high? One of us will cut it. No time to mow the lawn because I have plans after work for the next few nights? I’ll ask him if he’s free could he mow? But, usually he’s already noticed it and is planning to do it.
Likewise, if I feel like I haven’t done much lately I’ll make a note to be on the lookout for things that need to be done or offer to take something off of his plate.
Anon
I do think it helps that we both lived alone for several years before we moved in together so we were used to doing EVERYTHING alone (and, his apartment was actually clean and not the stereotypical bachelor apartment) so we both have a good idea of what’s needed to be done daily, weekly, monthly, etc.
Anon
I feel the same way. I don’t need excessive thanks, because I just expect to do these things that need doing. I actually find it embarrassing when people are too effusive with their thanks. An older woman flagged me down in the grocery store parking lot the other day because she needed help getting a few flats of bottled water out of her cart and into her car. I was happy to help her, but she thanked me over and over and over again and offered to pay me, which I found sort of mortifying. It should just be an act of basic human decency to help someone who needs helping. What kind of terrible person wouldn’t have helped her?
Anon
Oh poor you. You got thanked more than once.
Anon
No, coming from a “non-thanking family” I do get uncomfortable if someone is over the top in thanking me like this. Unless I’m in a crazy rush, I’ll always offer to help the little old lady or the mom with a stroller so to me its very much something I just do. It’s weird to be thanked profusely for something that I, and everyone, should just do because it’s the kind thing to do.
anon
You don’t spend a lot of time around older people do you?
That was a big thing you did for her.
You would be stunned how many people walk by and ignore someone in need, and when you are older you often become invisible. I have a disability and know very well how awkward/embarrassing it can be to ask for help, and how you feel like you are imposing, and how many people DON’T want to help/be bothered.
It was a big deal. Thanks for helping her!
Anon
To me this fits into the “nice but not kind” vs the “kind but not nice”. I’m from Philly – we are definitely kind but not nice – we will definitely help the little old lady carry the cases of water but we’re not going to thank someone just for doing their job! Like I regularly help moms with strollers carry the strollers down to the subway but I’ve never thanked my partner for doing the dishes.
Anon
Amen — I will take nice but not kind all day long. I live where people are kind but not nice and it’s tiring to take the knives out of your back, especially when the people who regularly put them there smiled at you right before and after.
Anon
I’m a middle aged person with rheumatoid arthritis and almost never ask for help, but I have occasionally had to, and I’m genuinely grateful for the help. I am sure I’ve profusely thanked people, but it’s genuine and a reflection of what it meant to me. No one has to help me but occasionally someone does, and those people deserve all the thanks.
anon
The flip side of this is that my DH’s extended family sort of operates like you’re describing. Which is lovely in theory, but it is honestly kind of galling to just be expected to drop everything to do big, major, time-consuming tasks. And yet there is never, ever an acknowledgement or thank you for any kind. I find that to be really rude, honestly. It is not nothing when I spend an entire Saturday away from my 3-year-old to help someone move, for example. My extended family does come together to help each other out, but there is always an acknowledgement when someone goes out of their way to do a big thing for a family member. Maybe it’s a family culture thing, but I sometimes find DH’s extended family to be presumptuous and entitled. So does he, for the record. He often comments how much nicer and more grateful my family is.
Anon
It sounds like your in laws are more demanding than my family. For helping with a move thered probably but not definitely be a verbal thank you, but the person moving isn’t buying everyone lunch. If someone isn’t free and can’t help, no big deal. If someone can only help a little, also no big deal. We don’t expect people to drop everything to help. Also, many hands make light work so even bigger tasks like the moving example only take a few hours. In our family the 3 year old would likely come too (for like an hour or two), either they play nearby but out of the way or they “help” by doing some little task then their parent would take them home before they’ve hit their limit.
Anon
If I never got thanked for dropping everything and helping out, I’d definitely be offended enough to stop doing it.
Anon
This is interesting and I wonder if this is partly a difference between communities that emphasize a collective or a culture of solidarity vs. independence and autonomy? I think neither is right or wrong (the individual autonomous agent does decide each and every time to do the dishes, but also they’re doing so in a broader context that makes it different from a stranger helping out with the dishes… and maybe it makes more sense to say thank you every time if it’s the individual autonomy that’s the emphasis, vs. the collective solidarity?).
Anon
Thats a really good point! I’m the Anon at 9:49 and my family culture, on both sides, is very much collective solidarity. I personally find it SO WEIRD when people mention visiting family and staying in hotels; it would be both offensive and just weird in my family to do that rather than stay at someone’s house. It’s also just a given that the hosts will sleep on the couch and give the guests their beds. It’s also weird for the guests to bring any sort of a hostess gift beyond a snack or meal for everyone to share. Of course, the guest will help with the dishes or whatever while they’re there.
My extended family trades chores and stuff all the time based on our skills and availability. I’m short, so my 6ft tall uncle came and hung curtains for me at my apartment. Meanwhile, I was doing yard work at another uncle’s house because he had cancer and didn’t have the strength to do yard work.
Anon
Thanks for the effort that went into making dinner for one thing, but I despise fake praise. I only want compliments when someone actually likes my cooking, otherwise I prefer constructive criticism or no comment. The last thing I want is to keep making something for my husband that I think he likes when he actually hates it! That results in a huge waste of my time, which seems like a pretty good reason not to do it.
anon
Agreed. It’s like forcing a fake apology.
Anonymous
Thanks and compliments are not the same thing.
Senior Attorney
Exactly.
Anon
Thanks for dinner is a nice way of acknowledging that someone went to the effort of making it for you without commenting on whether you enjoyed it!
anon
Remove gender from your question. Do you want to walk around having to thank your husband five times a day for dropping the kids off at school, walking the dog, putting gas in the car on the way home, etc etc? I don’t, and I’m in a marriage with a lot of verbal appreciation.
The other issue is that such statements are not genuine and heartfelt. If OP’s husband isn’t feeling it, making rote statements is not going to improve things. In fact, it sounds like a recipe for resentment.
Anon
Yes, I do actually. People can do things differently, but I personally find that saying thank you frequently for chores, especially ones that are annoying, makes the household a lot warmer. I grew up in a frosty household and it’s really important to me to not have that today.
Anon
+1 I think please and thank you make things smoother.
This also carries over into work. I thank my employees regularly even though it’s their job to perform the tasks I’ve asked. I don’t get the resistance here.
Anon
And I think its so weird when my boss thanks me for doing things that are literally in my job description. If I go above and beyond, sure a thanks is nice. But for my usual tasks its weird.
Anon
Same here. My partner and I thank each other a lot. We both thank each other for the chores we’ve done. I like that he notices and appreciates what I do, and I think he likes the same. My family of origin was mean, so this makes my daily life happy.
Anony
I totally agree with this. We thank each other all the time – and besides making the household feel warmer, I do think it’s genuine and heartfelt! I honestly appreciate those small things, even if we are “supposed” to do them.
pink nails
I agree – I do enjoy living in a home where we say thank you often, as a brief acknowledgement that the other has done something that is beneficial. I totally agree that it brings warmness into the house.
It’s not a big “OH THANK YOU SO MUCH” every time. It’s more like a thing said in response to a regular check in that something got done “oh you walked the dog? Thanks for doing that”. To those who don’t practice it regularly, it may seem rote. But appreciation doesn’t have to be this big thing every time. Little points of appreciation throughout the day help bring that warmness in that Anon 10:28 is referring to.
For what it’s worth, I also think that saying “thank you” often, for these small acts, is a small pause point for gratitude in general, which will make you happier overall. There’s tons of research on how daily gratitude practices -> personal happiness.
anonshmanon
so much this. It may start out being performative/just out of politeness/just because my spouse likes hearing it, and there is nothing wrong with that. But over time, it becomes a habit of feeling grateful and acknowledging each other’s contributions for real.
Senior Attorney
Yes indeed. It just makes the house happier.
Anon
Same here. The most common phrase heard in our house is probably “thank you, love”
Anon
Same here.
DC Inhouse Counsel
+1. DH and I thank each other for making dinner, doing the dishes, doing communal laundry etc. He thanks me for going to the grocery store or picking up bread from the fancy bakery from my office. It always comes across as genuine.
Anon
I wonder at the insistence on removing gender from this particular equation. While I’m glad to hear women sharing here that they have wonderful husbands who do a lot without asking for thanks, or who appreciate them for the stuff they do, or that in their household the division of labor is fair without much needing to be said, those seem to me like happy exceptions. I thought we have a shared understanding on this board that we live in a society where overall women tend to do a larger share of domestic and family care labor, and that work often gets taken for granted. I guess I might have overestimated that level of agreement. Oh well. That’s how structures of oppression stay in place — because they are made invisible and it’s considered impolite to talk about them.
Anonymous
There are a lot of very smug commenters here who loudly claim that their husbands are equal partners and blame “internalized misogyny” whenever anyone says anything about gender roles. I don’t buy it. My husband and all of our local friends are “modern” guys who are all genuinely trying to do better than their boomer dads and be equal parents and partners. (His high school and college friends are … not.) But out of all these men there is exactly one whom I believe truly understands all the work that goes into managing a household and raising children, and that’s because he is the default parent. The real genuine default parent, which even many SAHDs aren’t.
Anon
Yes, I enjoy living in a home like that. My husband and I had a newly engaged couple stay with us recently, and they noticed and remarked on how we both always said please and thank you and how nice that was to be around. It’s not fake. Thank you isn’t a platitude. My husband makes my life easier when he takes out the trash, etc. Why wouldn’t I thank him for that?
Anon
I wouldn’t refuse to say thank you. I think conveying appreciation in some way is important. But I don’t honestly want to live in the privacy of my own home within the culture where these kinds of niceties are expected and forced even between people who know each other. It feels fussy and Anglo, and I find it hard not to associate that kind of politeness at home with people who can be passive aggressive or insincere. If I’m hearing those words like clockwork because someone is just following a rule, they lose meaning for me anyway, so I feel less appreciated rather than more.
Anon
I love this. I’ve been seeing a lot of comments about “you say thank you to strangers, why not your own family?” and I haven’t been able to articulate why those situations feel different. There is a level of formality in relationships outside a family, and a level of casualness within. “Thank you” may be seen as a barometer for manners externally, but internally a family has developed shorthand ways of expressing love and value and kindness, and the “thank you standard” may be different. That’s not true for everyone, as evidenced by these strong opinions, but it CAN BE for some families. There are many things you’d do at home with your family that might be seen as appalling out in public.
And yes the “insincerity” of it rings true for me, and maybe I need to further explore why, lol.
Cat
ooh this is well put.
the most important thing is for you to be on the same page with your partner and family about your “internal thank you standard” — whether that’s verbal thanks frequently or other ways of showing appreciation to each other for keeping the house running.
anonshmanon
I can see your point, and this is very much how I was raised (politeness for outsiders, informality for those close to you). Almost a scarcity mindset. Save your proper conduct for special occasions, family members don’t need the white glove treatment, they know what you’re about, save yourself the trouble. Kind of like today’s wisdom is not to save the good china/towels for company, maybe there is room to shift our thinking. It deserves to be an everyday joy.
Anon
I think it’s most important to shift for the sake of the next generation.
Anon
My family is pretty WASPy (so Anglo) we don’t say thank you for anything routine. My family is very close and you can definitely feel the love but we also never really say I love you. The love, and the thanks, is implied by our actions. Itd honestly be weird to say these things out loud.
anon
Right? I don’t thank my husband verbally for mowing the lawn. I make him an iced Nespresso drink and bring him a fresh gym towel while he takes a break.
Horse Crazy
And does he say thank you when you bring him the drink and the towel?? Or does he just take it and walk away…
Anon
For me and my partner, the “thank you” is sincere. I’m genuinely happy I didn’t have to cook dinner for myself, so I say “Thank you for making dinner!” He’s genuinely glad the floors are really clean so he’ll say, “Thank you for vacuuming!”
I can see how it feels fake if a person doesn’t mean it and they just have to say it, but for us, it is expressing a real feeling that we are glad to be a team and that we appreciate how the other person helps.
Anon
Exactly – of course it would feel fake if the person doesn’t mean it but then do you really want to be married to that person? If your spouse is genuine, it feels amazing to be thanked and acknowledged for helping life run more smoothly.
Anon
Ok, but what about when it starts to sound like a laundry list? I’m a SAHM and we outsource nothing. Should my husband come home every day and say, “thank you for dressing the kids, and feeding the kids, and taking the kids to karate, and doing the shopping, and doing the laundry, and putting gas in the car, and making that doctor appt” and I reply, “thank you for going to work and making the money and taking out the trash and holding the baby”?
I am not pushing back on the concept of appreciation. I am pushing back on the expectation that the “thank yous” should be constant and verbalized and every day for each task. We probably thank each other for one thing each day, but it’s a different thing!
Anon
That would be a good time for “thanks for all that you do, honey. I don’t know how you handle everything so well every single day.”
anon
“I don’t know how you handle everything. . .” has the ring of insincerity to it. Or, conversely, it’s a sign that you genuinely think husband is incompetent and are amazed he can perform basic household tasks.
It also makes me think of this article: https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2019/05/mothers-shouldnt-be-grateful-their-husbands-help/588787/
Anon
If you hear insincerity in a thank you from your spouse, that’s probably a larger trust issue.
Anon
Anon at 11:06– I have responded a few times that my partner and I thank each other a lot. We’d never phrase it in a laundry list like that because it does come across as performative in my opinion. Like if I clean multiple rooms, he’ll say, “Thanks for cleaning! The house looks great!” Or if he mows the yard and cleans up the flower bed and takes the dog on a walk, I will say, “Thank you for doing all that stuff today; I appreciated my down time.”
I don’t think everyone’s relationship and communication have to be the same. This is just how we operate and it helps me feel more grateful and it feels nice to be seen and appreciated by my partner. You and yours may express such sentiments differently!
Anon
Right. I say thank you and I mean it.
Anon
What are you getting at with “fussy and Anglo”? I’m white and performative thanking is not what we do in my family. What does race / ethnicity have to do with this?
Anon
I guess I am not sure, but I associate a lot of absolutely required formal niceties with people in my life and my family who are part of specific cultures, but maybe it’s more that it’s midwestern culture or southern culture? I don’t think it’s the worst thing; it’s just uncomfortable for me at home and isn’t the tradition I grew up with. Where I grew up, it can almost sound like someone is trying to butter someone up if they lay it on too thick with the formal etiquette with someone they know well.
Anon
Years ago I was promoted and it did not start well. I treated everyone how I treated myself (critical, perfection seeking, not seeing why I should thank people for completing tasks that are part of their job). In trying to figure out how to genuinely support my team I came across Gottman’s magic ratio concept of 5 positive interactions to 1 negative interaction. It was so freaking hard. I was also in therapy at the time working a lot on self compassion. Once that clicked, and my own self talk became much more positive, the ratio was so much easier.
Anyway, I now try to give genuine thank yous easily and often.
anon
Wow – well done.
Anon
But if someone’s work isn’t up to snuff I’m not going to make up good things to say to offset my criticism.
Anon
I wonder if there’s a correlation between saying thank you and I love you along families. My family is very close and we really love each other but it’s not at all our culture to say I love you (my mom, who I choose to hang out with weekly and have a fantastic relationship with, has told me I love you exactly once). It’s not our culture to say thank you for day to day things (something major and out of the ordinary, sure).
It doesn’t mean we don’t love each other and we’re not grateful for these things, it’s just more implied and shown through our actions rather than saying it all the time.
Our family is in many ways very warm: always laughing and joking around (frequently teasing each other), frequent gatherings of family and friends, would drop anything to help you in a heartbeat. We’re much more Rory and Lorelei than Richard and Emily.
Anon
I used to absolutely horrify people by saying my mom literally never said I love you. But, she showed it all the time so that’s what matters!!
Anon
Yeah, I agree with this. I’m deeply suspicious of people who constantly talk about how much they love their spouse and the constantly saying thank you thing feels the same way, performative. For me, the way I know that I love someone and that they love me is that we’re both always there doing things for each other without having to be asked. Talking about it almost seems to lessen it, like you’re trying to prove something you don’t actually believe.
Anon
To quote my grandmother to my mom one day in the 1970s “I’m your mother, of course I love you. Why would I need to say it?”. My nana was truly the most loving person I knew but her parents were immigrants from England and thus very much “stiff upper lip”.
Anonymous
+1
Interestingly our family balance involves lots of I love yous but less thanks for ordinary tasks. Like I don’t thank people for flushing the toilet or not leaving wet towels on the floor, that’s part of life just like cleaning or cooking.
Anon
Who cares, those people aren’t in relationships with you. You just want to start a thread to talk shit about them?
Anon
lol, exactly.
Vicky Austin
Some of these responses are surprising in that people don’t want to be thanked! Am I weird? I know my love language is words, but like, dang.
Every time I cook (so, not leftovers night), my husband makes a point of making eye contact with me and saying, “Thank you for dinner” when he sits down. I treasure it.
Anon
I guess I don’t see the need to thank my husband for dinner because I took care of something else so they “cancel out”.
Sure if he made dinner, did the laundry, and mowed the lawn maybe I’ll thank him. But 90% of the time he’s making diner while I’m doing something else for us so no need to thank
Anon
A lot of people are uncomfortable with attention being drawn to them, including because people say thanks. I am a white Jewish Midwesterner and would be weirded out if my spouse was thanking me fifteen times a day for doing my part for our family – that’s really over the top to me. It’s fine if other people like and want this but the idea that people who don’t hate their spouse is bananas.
Anon
We say thanks but but for chores. Like, if I ask my partner to pass me something and he does I’ll say thanks. But we’d never thank each other for cooking or doing laundry or vacuuming – those are just things we do because we’re adults and they need to be done?
Anon
Expressing gratitude is really important – but I don’t agree that has to take the form of the words thank you. That said if something is really important to your spouse and it’s not harmful, it’s a kindness to just do it
AIMS
We don’t say thank you for every single little thing but when I do take time to say thank I also find that I actually notice a lot more of what I am grateful for that I otherwise often take for granted – it ultimately adds to my life satisfaction more than anything else.
Anon
There are a lot of women here who hate their spouses at a really base level, and it shows. Every day in the comments here, actually.
Anon
Unfortunately, yeah. There is so much resentment screaming off the page sometimes. But the good thing is that there are also a lot of positive stories about divorce now and how much better it can be. I honestly think sharing those stories and giving some hope is really valuable to those who are unhappy.
Anon
Yes, and the solution is look down our noses at them instead of asking why.
Anon
“I absolutely refuse to thank my spouse” may be why.
Anon
No, that’s the effect. What’s the cause?
Anon
I mean I do think a lot of people here, and in general, don’t love their spouses and / or put up with behavior from their spouse that I would absolutely not tolerate. But, not saying thank you for making dinner doesn’t mean I detest my spouse.
Anon
I think it’s more for the people who get super stubborn about insisting their spouse doesn’t deserve thanks.
Anon
I don’t think people are really saying their spouse doesn’t deserve thanks, but that it’d be weird given their family’s communication style to thank them for mundane tasks
Anon
+1
Anon
And also the people who say “if I/DH said thank you, it wouldn’t be genuine.” Why not?
Anon
Again, to each their own. To me, it seems being resentful because you don’t hear the words “thank you” for every chore speaks more poorly about your relationship than acknowledging that people show and feel love in different ways. Maybe I don’t get twelve thank yous a day, but my husband lets me sleep in every. single. morning. (including the weekends) while he gets up with the kids, and since sleep is so important to my health and happiness that is worth LOADS more to me.
Anon
“Thanks for taking care of the kids, hon. I needed that sleep!”
Anon
Really, if you said this every single morning your husband would find it sincere? My husband would be like “enough already.” I reciprocate in other ways and he knows it.
Anon
If it were me, I’d be saying it every time and my husband would know it was sincere. Sleep is everything. Taking care of kids solo isn’t easy!
Anon
That’s huge that your husband does that for you. That would definitely warrant a daily thank you in my eyes. It’s not a little thing.
Anon
That’s fine but why can you not recognize that other people show gratitude in different ways (like maybe she makes sure her husband can get to his daily friend hang regardless of what’s going on at her work)? The insistence that because for YOU something warrants a thank you means it’s wrong that it doesn’t for someone else is reallly odd
Anon
See, you referring to this as “huge” and “not a little thing” is weird to me (not the Anon above). I might be practical to a fault, but if this is the best arrangement for them, then it’s not a huge deal. It’s just what makes sense.
RiskedCredit
Yup. I was one of them married people.
I stopped saying thank you because he was demanding it. He always cooked dinner. He wanted it to be that since he cooked dinner I cleaned up after as that was what he told me was fair. I disagreed. I was getting 3 children out the door in the morning on my own and going to work. I made breakfast (children still get an home cooked breakfast when with me) and cleaned up on my own. He never said thank you because ‘you don’t make me breakfast’. Yes a^^hat. He told me he didn’t want to eat before you leave for work but each week food was delivered to his office for your breakfast and lunch. It’s me who set that up for him annd had his assistant to manage. His assistant asked me for help telling me he told her to ping me.
I became deeply resentful which then turned to hate very quickly because this was about power and him dominating me. It was also very abusive. I was exhausted, working 60hrs a week plus managing the education of 2 of our special needs children who were failing in school.
I made it a game during Covid to never say thank you for anything after one night he told me I didn’t know how lucky I was. Hmmm I’m lucky I’ve been able to leave, divorce him and I’m working on protecting my children who he is using now to abuse me.
Thanks costs you nothing. It goes a long way in all parts of your life. I’m from the NW of England. You say please and thank you a million times a day otherwise someone is pissing in your chips and calling it vinegar.
Senior Attorney
Ugh, Risked Credit. Happy you got out. I can absolutely imagine myself arguing the no-thanking position back when I was married to Mr. Gaslighting Narcissist. And I used to spend a lot of time at the greeting card store looking for cards that conveyed messages like “Happy Anniversary to my barely-adequate husband…”
Anon
So Ive noticed both in this conversation and in life that my family’s style is just very direct and efficient and to some people that’s jarring. I’m from the Northeast so people here are typically direct, but we’re more so than most.
I distinctly remember it being an adjustment when I started working and would need to send someone an attachment or a link. In my family it’d be normal to send the email with just the attachment or link and no message, but that upset coworkers (at my level – I would never have done that with a superior).
In person if I see someone I’ll start with good morning, but I never would via text, email (I’d start emails with “Hi Sue” but then jump into the meat of my email, or Slack at the office.
NaoNao
I was someone who commented that I wasn’t *raised* to say “thank you” for an everyday meal because it was just not part of the overall manners (which btw were quite strict, we used to get sent to bed without dinner for elbow on table at like age 5, that type of thing) and it seemed like a rather…high level of expectation. It’s 100% fine for women to ask for and expect thank you’s from their husbands for everyday stuff, and I also commented that I DO thank my husband for his chores. Just not literally every single time it occurs. I’m of the belief that using a phrase 3x a day for years and years robs it of significance. My mom was a SAHM who had a generous allowance and was taken VERY good care of. She raised us kids to have gratitude but also not expect a “thank you” for keeping the household running and doing our share.
Anon
Yeah my parents were very big on politeness and manners but we weren’t a thank you family within the family. I was a shy kid and I remember that I hated that every time we went over to a family friend’s house my parents would make us go thank them before we left. On the flip side, we were over at my great aunt’s house helping her with someone all day one day when I was little. When we left I asked my parents how much I was getting paid for helping and they looked at me like I had 12 heads and explained we just help out family because its what we do, not because we expect something in return.
Anon
There’s a lot of communication differences I’ve learned here over the years. My family is full of people with strong personalities who are not afraid to speak their mind so there are absolutely situations where I’d think nothing of it but it gets brought up here and people are horrified. To me the beauty of being with family is that you don’t have to walk on eggshells and beat around the bush to express your point. We’re never rude or mean in what we say, but we are direct. For example, my family sees nothing wrong with my mom telling my dad he’s put on a few pounds and needs to watch what he’s eating. It’s just a fact.
Anonymous
I am often surprised by which posts get massive responses here, and this is one of those times.
Anon
I noticed that there weren’t any responses from people who say thank you a lot reporting that it sucks, feels performative or over the top, or comes off as insincere. People who don’t do it seemed worried that would be the outcome, but all the responses from the people who do it seemed really positive and happy about it.
Anon
For whatever reason, the always saying thank you comes off as much more scorekeep-y to me , like every little thing that’s done must be acknowledged rather than just doing what needs to be done because it should be done. It feels almost tit for tat to me.
Anon
I think this is how it feels to me at home if it’s 100% of the time, like a rule. That is how I thank bus drivers or servers. I would feel weird being treated like a server at home, but if we’re all working together on something, I value that feeling of teamwork and shared investment. Being thanked too much or in a certain way feels like being cut off from the team and thanked as if I performed a discrete task or did someone a favor, like an outsider. I’d rather feel included, like part of the “us” or the “we” that thanks other people.
I’m hearing that for some people, an atmosphere of constant thanking does feel like inclusion though; it just doesn’t feel that way to me.
Anon
Have you tried it? Genuine question. I probably would have said this a couple years ago but then made a point to start saying thank you more after reading about the benefits of gratitude. I’m much happier and feel a lot better about the division of labor in our house since even though nothing has really changed. I have just noticed that my husband is and was doing more than I’d previously appreciated. I never had a conversation with him about this, I just started doing it. I noticed he now thanks me a lot more which also feels nice. Our kids have started saying thank you more.
No one is forcing you to say thank you but I’d seriously encourage you to try saying thank you for a month and treat it like an experiment. If it feels weird at the end of the month, then just stop but you might surprise yourself and find it improves your mood n
Anonymous
This has given me a lot to think about. I am seriously dating someone. Most of our time together is spent on weekends at my house. I always thank him when he does something like take out the trash, in part because it is “my house” and most often he is taking out trash as soon as he arrives, so it isn’t even a mess he made. And he always thanks me for hosting and cooking. I wonder how those dynamics would change of we were to live together, though
Anon
maybe a fun set of questions –
Are you a regular or semi regular somewhere (cafe, bar, bookstore, gym etc)?
How often do you go there?
Do you have a usual order or change it up (if its a food and drink place)
and how long did it take to become a regular (have people recognize and remember you)?
I think I’ve just reached semi-regular status at the cafe that opened back in the fall. I go 3 or 4 times a month, usually in the early AM (before 9) when I’ve run out of coffee at home or feel rough after a happy hour or night out. Usual order is a dark roast and a danish. The opening weekday barista remembers my name and we’ve started the casual small talk stage after about 4 months.
Anonymous
Great pick. I have Tucker blouses, a skirt and a dress. They are all extremely well made. The first one I bought, a blouse from the early 90s, is still going strong.
Anonymous
My sushi food truck. I’m there every week, from time to time they give me a little extra, they notice when I mix it up , and sometimes I just ask them to surprise me. Love those guys.
Anon
Starbucks. I know everyone there and I give especially big tips on holidays. My order is always ready and perfect! It’s been years but I think it only took a couple of months.
Anon
I realized I was a regular at the Starbucks across from my job when the baristas gave me a Christmas card.
Runcible Spoon
Ha-ha, same for me when I was at “the firm,” when the bartender at the restaurant where I regularly at at the bar gave me a logo-ed pen and pencil set at Christmas one year!
Cb
We have a farm shop in the village – it’s a bit expensive but it is such a lifesaver for a few bits for dinner, without having to go to the big supermarket. I’m in there at least weekly, and we’ve joked that my son just needs an apple punch card where I can pay for 10 at once, because he’s always wanting an apple.
The cafe annoyingly opens to late for me – I usually drop off at 8 and it doesn’t open til 9:30, otherwise I would be a regular.
Anon
OP here – this cafe is a life saver with a 7 am open! The location used to be a starbucks but that closed and was empty for almost a year. The other cafe down the street also doesn’t open until 9 am (higher prices too but they compete in the neighborhood on their baked fresh bread).
Anon
If you go around the same time of day or day of the week and honestly just treat the staff like human beings (say please and thank you, make any comment that’s unrelated to the transaction) I find they’ll recognize you within a couple weeks max.
Anon
Yes! I’m a regular at a few places. There’s a coffee shop I love where I will go at least a couple times a week and get a macchiato and read before work. The owner knows me and will start making my drink before I order, usually! Sometimes I need to get to work quickly so will order something else to go (I don’t like the macchiato to cool down on the commute), so I’ll short of shout at him before he makes it. The shop is the second location of a family-owned and run business. If I go to the first location and the owner is there, we will chat and he’ll make my regular. It’s lovely!
I’m also a regular at my favorite local bookstore. They make great recommendations to me all the time and will tell my family members what to get me for holidays. I love chatting with them about what we’re all reading, etc. We’ve also talked about how my book launch will be at their store if I ever get published.
When I was dating a lot, I also had a regular first-date restaurant. The servers and bartenders knew me, and it made me feel safer. Plus one of the servers would report back on good or bad observations she’d made about the person I was meeting!
Nudibranch
Anon @ 9:58, your first date restaurant reminded me of Penny Reid’s book, “Love Hacked”. If you like to read romance novels, you’ll see what I mean.
Anon
My 3.5 year old and I are regulars at a local pub. We go about once a week for dinner when my husband is working late and he’s like the mayor at this point. Their waitstaff knew I was pregnant before my parents did (bc I switched to NA beer).
Anon
(Pregnant with my second kid, who is now going to the pub as well.)
Anonymous
YAY! When my first was small (2-3) we would go to the local restaurant down the block a LOT — at least once a week! — so my lil’ man was the mayor also. So much so that when they were randomly taken over by a celebrity chef, they made sure to introduce the chef to my toddler. It was adorable.
Anon
Yes, the local library. I work there on days when I don’t have Zoom calls. The librarians know me and my preferred table.
Anon
I’m an easily forgettable person. When I was working in downtown DC I went to the same place for lunch every Friday for close to 20 years and ordered the exact same sandwich every time and never once got an acknowledgment that I was a repeat customer. I went to a coffee shop regularly with a friend for ages and ages and they would have her order ready fro her, but I would need to order each and every time — even though I got the same thing every single time and we came in at the same time every week.
I just recently established my first regular appearance where poeple know my name and my order — but I also order thru the app so maybe they just associate the name and order together and not to me the person.
It’s funny because my husband is easily memorable — we can go to a restaurant once, not go back for months, and then when we show up again they act like he’s their long lost rich uncle who needs catering too — all while ignoring me in the process.
anon
I am like you. It is frustrating at times. As I’ve gotten older, it doesn’t phase me as much.
Anonymous
I live in a big city but almost exclusively frequent the businesses in my neighborhood and the adjacent neighborhoods. I am recognized at most places I go, and often the staff will know what I want or what to recommend. At work it is the same, as we mostly go to the same two restaurants/bars, but it is more that the staff recognize my colleague companions who frequent the spots more.
pink nails
I’m such a regular at the family owned restaurant we get takeout from a 1-2 times a week that they answer “Dominos” or “Jimmy Johns” when I call and they see my number. They stopped saying “Pizza Hut” because I told them I would order a stuffed crust pizza when they answered like that. It’s all fun and we laugh. We get a usual fish fry order on Fridays, and sometime during the week we usually get a pizza. It took about 6 months for the owner and 2nd person to know me, and a year in the whole staff knows me.
I’m also a regular at a coffee shop/bakery. I go there 1-2 week. I tend to change up that order, rotating between 2-3 different things. I started going there as soon as they opened, and I would say had “regular” status within a month – but it’s a small community.
I’m also a regular at a meat shop. This one took years because I go in once a week and it’s a shop, plus it’s in a much busier area. I didn’t realize how much they recognized me coming in week to week until a couple weeks ago when one of the guys (who I don’t know quite as well as the others) introduced me to the new owner as a regular. I have a pretty regular order there for what I get, so much so one of the guys asks me why I’m not getting chicken if I don’t get chicken.
I also have a regular yoga studio, but I own it so that’s different. :D
Vicky Austin
I have always wanted to be! I change my orders up a lot though.
I do think the local coffee franchise knows me via Instagram comment, but not sure if they’ve connected me to the real life person.
Alt
I was a regular at the office cafe pre-Covid. I’d come in a couple times each week and order the same sandwich the same way every time. It took a month or so before the sandwich ladies started to recognize me and another couple months before they knew exactly what I would order and would start making it when I came in without me ordering. And then Covid hit, the cafe closed , I got a new job and I haven’t had my perfect toasted sandwich since then.
I’m also a semi-regular at the cafe at my new job. The owner knows what I typically order and we make small talk while I wait. It’s nice!
Work Phone
Similarly – there was a small restaurant near work that had something called a “spring roll noodle bowl” that I got every Friday. It was the perfect blend of spicy/sweet/sour. They closed after Covid and I felt responsible for not buying enough noodle bowls!
smurf
definitely a ‘regular’ at the awesome dive bar (with a surprisingly awesome restaurant) that’s super close to our house. We go there a lot of Fridays – both usually same drink order, I mix it up with food, my fiance gets the same thing most times. Not sure how long it took exactly but we’re at the point now of knowing most of the staff quite well & a lot of other regulars.
There’s another local restaurant we don’t go to super frequently but I would say are treated like regulars – and the keys to that IME are sitting at the bar, actually talking to the bartender, being nice, and tipping well for great service.
HSAL
I love this question because I’ve been thinking about third places lately. I’m not a regular anywhere – I don’t drink coffee and I’ve got kids so I don’t get out that much. I’m seeing someone who is comically well-known at multiple (at least four I can think of) bars we’ve visited. He doesn’t have kids and often goes out for after work drinks. The staff will say things like “hey it’s been awhile!” and they always know his order. I need to find that third place for myself.
HSAL
Any guesses on why this went to m0d?
NYNY
I’m a regular at so many places. The coffee place by my office makes my coffee as I walk in. The woman at the Korean food truck by my office says “no broccoli” when I order my chicken bowl (no shade to broccoli, I just don’t like it in this meal). My husband and I have at least 10 restaurants we go to where we know the staff by name and they know us. We have a regular bodega, and know the staff at our supermarket and liquor store. And I have weekly conversations with 5 of the vendors at my farmer’s market. I know that this isn’t unique to New York, but it’s one of my favorite things about living here. Some of the relationships developed over years, but most happened after just 2 or 3 visits.
Years ago I worked as a barista and waiter, and my regulars really made my day. Service jobs can feel so one-sided, like you have to be nice and try to make people happy while getting so little kindness in return. But regulars balance out that equation.
Anon
There used to be a lunch joint on the ground floor of my office building and I went there a lot but not every day. Then when I started to be visibly pregnant, they started to FEED me. My plates were overflowing. I then ate there every day because they were so excited to do it. It was fun by two 50 something sisters and one of their 20 something daughters. I loved them to bits.
NYNY
I love this!
Anon
Produce mart and bakery in my neighborhood. I get almost the same things every time, but produce is seasonal so it does vary. Both are family operations. We know each other but not each other’s names! We just say hi.
Anon
When I worked in downtown Los Angeles 20+ years ago in the old bank district, my office buddy and I would go to our regular Mexican restaurant up the street. We’d walk in and sit down. Less than ten minutes later, our food would arrive. No orders, no menus. I still miss their enchiladas suizas –some of the best I’ve ever had.
Anon
I’m a regular at our bus stop! I really like my neighbors (grownups and the kids) and it’s a fun social way to start the day
Anon
Yes, at a local bar. Previously also at a coffee shop and gym
Anon
Just Panera but I don’t think they like me very much because I have their coffee membership and am just their for my daily free coffee and never buy anything else.
anon
I found out yesterday that I’ve been laid off from my job where I’ve been for over 20 years. My last day is Friday. I still have some meetings on my calendar from before I knew, but it seems so pointless to attend. I’m working on notes about projects to hand off to the people that will be taking up my work, but other than that I don’t know what else to do.
I’ll be getting about 6 months of severance, but I’m still anxious about not having a steady paycheck. I work in tech and I know I’m lucky that I haven’t been laid off before this.
I haven’t updated my LinkedIn profile in ages, so I need to dust that off and update my resume. I plan to start applying for jobs pretty soon.
Any tips or advice for the last week of work? Or any general layoff tips? I
Anonymous
Give yourself a new routine: spend a set amount of time each work day on the job search. Don’t forget networking to find leads at smaller companies that might not otherwise be on your radar.
Anon
Can you stop working now, if you’ve already been laid off? I wouldn’t want to waste a week doing pointless work.
Anon
Your priority this week is you. You will need to update your resume, and you will benefit a lot from having concrete examples in interviews to discuss. Spend some time pulling together a “greatest hits” of your time at this company: awards (with specific language), specific metrics of projects and achievements (“reduced processing time by 61%”), all that. You need access to your work materials to do this.
Talk to your manager and coworkers about getting recommendations.
Regarding meetings: send out an email, stating that Friday is your last day, and asking if there is any information they need before then.
For handoffs, just put things into a shared drive. If you are feeling beneficent, put emails in there too.
Anon
Maybe I’m petty, but I absolutely wouldn’t overextend myself to leave documentation about my job for whoever’s taking it over. I’d help out trusted coworkers and friends, but I’m not going to go above and beyond. If I’m so unessential, they can figure it out. Bare minimum only.
Anonymous Grouch
OMG don’t waste your time making notes! It’s your company’s problem if there’s not a smooth transition. If they really wanted your knowledge you wouldn’t have been laid off, or at least given more than a few days notice! Spend your last few days socializing with co-workers who you like, and don’t worry about the rest of it.
Pippa
Review your past and current case list for: 1) accomplishments; 2) statistics; 3) resume and interview talking points; 4) contacts (internal and external) who worked the projects with you as well as more general contacts. This may help you feel more prepare for your next job search and more in control and powerful.
Assemble copies from your HR and payroll platforms. HR – copies of past reviews will help you prepare for interview questions (strengths, where you have improved, etc.)
Scrub your email, contacts list, and internet homepage bookmarks for personal stuff – stored passwords, doctors’ contact names, personal email correspondence, etc. Be aware that your account may already be marked to track suspicious activity so don’t do massive deletions.
Wishing you all the best.
OP
Thanks for the advice, everyone. I will definitely lean out this week. Part of my job is working trouble tickets and I’ve created documentation in the past for how to resolve common issues. I could just send out a link to where those documents are located, but part of me is definitely feeling petty and doesn’t even want to do that. I’ve sent out that info before from when I’ve been out of the office so technically it’s already out there.
I’ll work on cleaning up any personal info I may have saved
RiskedCredit
Hell no to this.
Your response is completely normal but as someone who has been laid off before, you need to focus on you.
Figure out your plan this week. Personally I’d assume I was going to continue working and be having coffee chats with people in my network. The best opportunities are those that come to you. 99.9% of the jobs posted online are working for meh managers.
anon
Do take care of yourself and take it easy. After this week, it’ll really hit that things have changed, prioritize your well being. Set up routines. Work provides a lot of things beyond money such as social interaction and a structure to your day and week, so try to find ways to get those things. Use the downtime to re-evaluate if where you were is really where you wanted to be, maybe it is or maybe you want to pivot.
Anonymous
20 years is a very long time, so this is a very big change. When I was laid off after a very long time, I was unmoored. I was angry. I felt rejected. I was angry. I was scared. I doubted I could find another job “at my age.” I was angry. (Did I mention I was angry?) Rationally, I knew layoffs happen, and I dealt with the practical stuff professionally. But I was dealing with a sea of negative emotions as well. So just expect that you’re going to go through an emotional transition about all this, and it may take as long or longer than replacing the job. That’s normal, and it’s OK.
Anon
My brother was recently laid off and before leaving, he asked his boss for a recommendation letter. Boss wrote him a great one and he’s planning on using it to try to get his next role.
Anon
I’m not sure letters are widespread anymore. When hiring, as well as recent job searches of my own, it seems more common to ask for references’ email/phone. HR then calls or sends them a survey.
smurf
I’m so sorry. Absolutely use this week for you, not your company! Make sure you’ve got any personal stuff off of your computer, review your work to document examples & successes to reference in interviews. Make sure you have all the info for things like accessing your 401k, colleagues’ contact info, etc. What bookmarks are on your work pc you’ll want to reference in the future? things like that!
Anon GC
Absolutely agree with all of this.
I do want to insert one cautionary note: I suspect your severance is conditional on working this week. So lean out, do the bare minimum that you are asked to do (that is key – you do not need to think about how to make this easier on them!) and do what you need to do for yourself and your future job search. However, do NOT do anything that could be construed as job abandonment. Employers can and have used that as an excuse not to pay severance.
Anon
Regarding severance: she can also spend this week having an attorney review the agreement.
Anon
Agree with this. I did the same.
Anonymous
I went through a similar situation, and I decided not to do things I didn’t want to do. For example, my boss wanted to take me out to dinner, which meant an hour or so drive each way for me. I just said no. Our team went out to lunch, so sure, I did that. My documentation etc. was available, but someone wanted to “pick my brain to understand how I think.” Yeah, no, not doing that.
It also helped to remember that the job / place I missed doesn’t exist any more. There are different people, different processes, time moves on and I didn’t need to feel so much that I was missing out.
Anon
I’m finding the California paid family leave (and disability law) really confusing. Does anyone have a guide or any advice on figuring out how long a maternity leave I can take (what’s concurrent and not) with some pay? I work for a company that is not eligible for FMLA (too few employees), but I believe there’s a CA law, CFRA, that mimics it that does apply to me. I do pay into CA-OASDI, although I’m seeing online that I should be paying into “CASDI” if I want to be eligible for disaiblity leave?? I’m just confused about what I qualify for and what overlaps. Due date is in November and I’d ideally like to take leave for 5 months. I’m willing to do some unpaid. Husband will have access to 8 weeks of paid leave through his work and would like to take additional time as well. Any links you have to guides or any personal experiences would be super helpful – having trouble finding easy-read guides on initial Googling.
anon
This is my experience from when elementary-age kids were newborns and I think there have been some changes to CFRA that make it more favorable to the employee. I hope it’s a helpful start!
-PDL (partial pay and job protection) for a standard pregnancy starts at 36 weeks and continues to 6 weeks after birth (8 for c section, more if more complications). can also be used for time off for medical care and complications while pregnant if needed.
-CFRA starts when PDL ends. Non-birthing parent is only eligible for CFRA. 12 weeks of job protection, 6 weeks are partially paid. I think some cities, like SF, require some topping up of CFRA for some employers.
-example: I got 10 weeks (4 before, 6 after) partial pay plus job protection under PDL then 12 weeks under CFRA, for a total of 22 weeks of mat leave. all but the final 6 weeks of CFRA were partially paid. spouse got 12 weeks of CFRA, 6 weeks were partially paid, the unpaid was topped up with sick leave and pto.
Anon
This is how it worked for my CA based friends as well.
Anonymous
As a Canadian I find this super interesting! It sounds very similar to how it works here with slightly different time frames.
Anon
This is only California. Most of the US only gets 12 weeks unpaid by law (employers can be more generous and give you all of that paid and/or more time off).
anon
That’s not exactly true. 13 states now have paid maternity leave that can provide similar coverage to CA’s. I only bring this up so people won’t forget to check what their state offers!
Anon
Thank you! This is helpful.
Former junior associate
Californian who’s had two babies in the last five years, and this is how it worked for me. Word of advice with respect to your husband: he may very well be eligible for FMLA, guaranteeing him an extra 4 weeks off (albeit likely unpaid)
Anon
The CA OASDI is short term disability through the state. Your doc is the one who will sign off on your disability. It can be up to 4 weeks before due date and 6-8 weeks after birth (6 for vaginal, 8 for Caesarian). Of course it can be longer if you get placed on bed rest of have complications.
Look up current disability benefits for the state. It won’t be complete wage replacement but it’s better than nothing.
Paid and unpaid family leave may be concurrent or separate depending on which system you work under.
Anon
Here’s the tax and benefit info – it’s a pretty straightforward plan
https://edd.ca.gov/en/disability/Contribution_Rates_and_Benefit_Amounts/
Anon
I have purchased a couple of these tops new with tags on Poshmark. They are gorgeous and well-made.
Anon
Big milestone for me this week: I’ll make my final payment on a large amount of debt. It’s taken 5 years to pay it off.
It makes me kind of sick when I think about how much money I would have if I had been able to invest those payments in a retirement account instead, but oh well.
Anon
Congratulations!
Anon
Congrats!
While I can understand regretting that you could not invest that money, hopefully the debt provided you with some other benefit that you are able to appreciate. This is how I framed my student loan debt. Without it, I would not enjoy the income level I have achieved and I would not have the ability to save what I can now.
Anon
Yes, congratulations!
pink nails
Hurray! Congratulations!!
Anon
Congrats from Chapter 13! You’re inspiring!
anon
Congratulations!
My unsolicited two cents: comparison is the thief of joy doesn’t just apply to other people’s situations. Don’t let the “what could have been”s suck the joy out of a major accomplishment.
Senior Attorney
Hooray!! Heartiest congratulations!!!
Anon
Re bras, is anyone familiar with the term “cut and sewn” bra? Trying to shop for a kid who apparently needs this and it’s a new term to me. Kiddo likes t-shirt bras, but apparently the cut and sewn kind is much more supportive. We have a local store that will set up a fitting room for her in 2 weeks but until then, please explain this like I’m from another planet (I kind of am — I can take on stairs at any speed and in any bra and this kid can’t).
anon
Have literally never heard of this.
Anon
+1. This sounds like something a teenage girl would find on TikTok and not something that anyone actually needs. You can buy very supportive bras at regular stores. It’s not the 1960s anymore when you truly might need a custom job for active women with larger breasts.
Anonymous
Lol no it’s literally just a descriptor for a very normal standard type of bra
Anonymous
It just means pieces together from different bits of fabric versus like a molded cup.
This bra is cut and sewn.
https://www.google.com/aclk?sa=l&ai=DChcSEwit66jpv9iFAxXYW0cBHbbNBXIYABADGgJxdQ&gclid=CjwKCAjwuJ2xBhA3EiwAMVjkVJ4SKKwRh3GyM-YMYbozIaeQ9wDMLYF6sBCrRCcglKZXCj73e1t8YxoCB7IQAvD_BwE&sig=AOD64_0ZSWa5oreojMNVcARt8CmscKzo9A&ctype=5&q=&ved=0ahUKEwi0paLpv9iFAxWrF1kFHRq0CZ4Qww8I1Bg&adurl=
Anonymous
I wear these exclusively (34G). They are made of several pieces for each cup, not just one spandex or molded cup. Generally they don’t have stretch and they last longer than bras that do – I rotate 4 or 5 for several years. I find them far more supportive and I have one or two I can run comfortably in although don’t, because the wicking fabric in sports bras is more comfortable. They tend to be far more expensive than “regular” bras, unfortunately. Once you know her size look around for discontinued models. For cut and sew I like Chantelle, Fantasie, and Freya. If she needs a sports bra, look at Moving Comfort Fiona and Title Nine’s Tech Athena. Both of these lock me down, but look “normal”.
Anon
The Moving Comfort Fiona was my holy grail sports bra. I’m large chested, but short and short waisted so it’s hard to find bras that have straps that adjust short enough to fit correctly. If anyone has replacement suggestions, I’d love to hear them. I’m a 36DDD in regular bras but often go down a size in sports bras (36DD).
anon
Shock Absorber active multisport. I wear a 30G and it’s great for running. You may need to go up a band size.
Former junior associate
Anita sports bras do the job really well for me in large cup sizes. I also like that they’re unlined and not molded. If you like/want a molded cup, Panache is a good choice.
Anon
I don’t think this style of bra is a “need” for anyone. They would probably be visible under a lot of clothing. Let her get the tshirt bras she wants.
Anonymous
Technically a bra isn’t a “need” for anyone. But if you have a large cup and a small band these bras are far more supportive.
Anon
I’m going to go with “need.” I think a bra is the last garment I’d give up; I’d sooner try to get by without shoes.
Anon
Eh, I’m a 32F and that isn’t the case for me.
Anon
It depends on whether your breasts are self supporting or more projected/pendulous. I’m on the right hand side of that equation.
Anon
Oh, wow. Ima going to be on team “need.” Doing stairs without pain is not a high bar for daily life activities where the girls need supporting.
Anon
Team need here – G cup in UK sizing. It’s definitely a need.
VVex
Made with non-stretch fabrics and seaming. Old-school–not a t-shirt bra, not a stretchy bra.
anon
It’s sometimes referred to as a three part. Basically it means the cup is made of several pieces of fabric that have been sewn together versus one stretchy piece of fabric. I own both and can confirm the cut and sewn is much more supportive. I have a large cup and a very small band. I wouldn’t say she should not own any t shirt bras. I wear different ones for different activities. You can wear the t shirt one if sitting on the couch, on a plane ride, etc. In addition to support, the cut and sewn will make her clothes fit better.
Pippa
Real Simple had a great article about br**s; link below. Note that the article starts with br* reviews then transitions to the discussion of types and why certain styles and fabrics may be more comfortable for specific body types.
https://www.realsimple.com/best-bras-7185430
Cat
there are a lot of more supportive bras in between “made of tshirt material” (which is I think what you say your kid likes, BUT is different than what a tshirt bra means! tshirt bra = has structure but very plain & designed to be very smooth and invisible under flimsy tshirt fabric!) and a super structured style like cut and sewn.
also, this may be my own pet peeve, but a kid who is old enough for a structured bra is too old to be called kiddo.
Anon
My mom still calls me kiddo. I’m 46 :-)
Anon
Haha my husband calls me kiddo from time to time – I’m 59. ;) and then I say thank you.
A
Same : )
Anon
What an inane comment. I was 11 when I needed one and still very much a kid.
Anon
This is a weird take. I work with some 8-9 year olds who are in the early stages of breast development. They are still very much children.
Anon
Just another example of thrusting girls into adulthood over physical traits they have no control over. Early development is hard enough without weirdos deciding you’re no longer a child.
Cat
ok that was too shorthand. I assumed the kid was well into middle school based on the description of the issue, and hated being called ‘kiddo’ at that age because it felt infantilizing! As I said, pet peeve.
Anon
I think there’s a difference between referring to your kid as “kiddo” to others, and calling them that to their face. My tween would not appreciate being called kiddo to her face (hopefully she’ll come back around in her 40s :)) but I still refer to her that way to other people who may not know her name, since it’s shorter than saying “my daughter.”
Anononon
Ugh, tell her welcome to the club. I’d add Elomi to the list; they have a “Morgan” cut and sew style that comes in pretty patterns. They also have the only tshirt bra that I have ever been able to wear as someone who also generally needs three part cups. I forget what that style is called, but it’s pretty easily findable. They are sized with UK sizing so just read the conversion charts if you are going to order online.
Anon
Panache has some good ones too. Elomi is for 36 bands and up. Panache Ana and Andorra are good starter bras for those just getting used to an actual bra that fits.
Anon
Massive eye roll at everyone in this thread who is convinced you shouldn’t buy this for your kid simply because they’ve never heard of it before.
Anon
I have a feeling this is very IKYKY.
Anonymous
You shouldn’t buy them for a kid because they are old lady undergarments that create an odd pointy shape and show under clothes and invite comments and bullying. “T-shirt” doesn’t mean “made of t-shirt fabric.” It means “smooth and less visible under a t-shirt.” There are more supportive styles for larger sizes.
Anon
Haha shut up. You have clearly never needed a supportive bra.
Anon
A cut and sewn bra has seams and is usually not padded. A moulded bra that holds a cup shape when off the body – like a “t shirt bra” – is not a cut and sewn bra.
Those of us in larger cup sizes need a cut and sewn bra to get a good fit.
Anonymous
Help her assess what shape breasts she has — if she needs side support or a high stance or whatever then that will inform your choices. I’d recommend going to a Nordstrom or Dillards near you, or a specialty bra shop like Bratenders in NYC.
I’ve been everywhere from a 30F-40H (yay nursing)…
Fantasie makes t-shirt bras (not made of t-shirts, but a molded cup) that are actually supportive – I’ve also found unlined bras where the cups are all from one fabric and are supportive.
I wear a lot of unlined, wirefree cut and sew bras but agree with everyone that they do show through clothing.
my favorite: https://www.nordstrom.com/s/fantasie-underwire-smoothing-t-shirt-bra/2893192?origin=keywordsearch-personalizedsort&breadcrumb=Home%2FAll%20Results&color=001
(for some reason the Rebecca has a totally different fit, don’t get that one)
Cleo by Panache bras are some of the cutest that are supportive in larger sizes.
Commenting on Moms site
For admins — it seems something is wrong with the commenting feature on the CMoms site. When you click “leave a comment” or scroll down, there’s no reply box visible
Kat G
Thank you for the heads up! Finally got it fixed.
Agh
Okay kind of a gross question and I’m sorry but help me triage an infected ear piercing. Got ear pierced in January and it’s just. not. healing. despite all my saline spraying. Trying to use neosporin more now. At what point do you go into a doctor? Could urgent care handle this? Help!
Anon
Perhaps it hasn’t healed because it’s been wet for 3 months?
Do you have red streaks from the piercing? If so, go to urgent care. Otherwise, Neosporin. If not better in a couple days, urgent care. And lay off the saline!
Anon
Urgent care can definitely handle it, and I’d go there!
FWIW, I was putting neosporin on a surgical incision, and it wasn’t healing. When I went back to my surgeon, he said I shouldn’t have been doing that. So I’d go see a doc before continuing with anything other than saline spray.
Anon
Just go to the doctor already. Home treatment is obviously not working for you. I wouldn’t bother with urgent care; either make a routine doctor’s office appointment or go to the ER if you see red streaks.
Anon
Stop Neosporin and the saline spray. Wash with soap and water and dry thoroughly. If it’s hot to the touch or there are red streaks, go to urgent care.
OP
Ah thanks all! No red streaks or heat. My primary care physician has long lead times so probably best to go ahead and make an appointment…
Anon
Omgod are you me? got a second lobe 3 months ago and Ive been having irritation, no heat but some drainage and itchiness and a bump under the skin. I went to urgent care 2 weeks ago and they recommended saline, warm compress and an antibac ointment for a few days. It got better and then got worse again so I went back to the piercer this past weekend.
The final determination was this was expected for the healing stage and downsizing the post will help lessen the irritation. She went down a post size and so far no more irritation bump, no more itchiness!
Go to a minute clinic or urgent care to confirm its not infected and if you can go back to the piercer to get a check in! I was totally convinced it was a lost cause last week.
Anon
oh forgot to add! her recommendations were: you can stop the saline spray. Let warm shower water run over the front and back as much as you can. Went you get out use a warm hair dryer to dry the ear front and back and dont let damp hair hang around it. Dryer is better.
She was very reassuring that the ‘goop soup’ levels (technical term) were what she expected for 3 months.
OP
It’s my second lobe! Yes, this is me! but I already got a smaller post :( what type of antibac ointment did you use?
Anon
bacitracin ointment. The minute clinic nurse handed me a bunch of small sample sizes. But I’ll be honest, I think I got contact dermatitis from using it over the course of 3 days.
Anonymous
Just go to urgent care. That is what they are for. And stop with the Neosporin. It isn’t helping and may be hurting.
Anon
It’s very common to develop an allergy to Neosporin and make any irritation worse. Most doctors advise against it.
Anon
I think that most piercers will tell you not to use Neosporin. I actually think most doctors would agree. What type of ear piercing is it? If it is anything other than a lobe piercing, I’d take the piercing out and let it heal. Try to get the piercing again. FWIW, all of my lobe piercings have healed fine. But I cannot get any other type of body piercing to heal for me. I had two separate conch piercings for 10+ years that never, never fully healed. Tried all of the things. Took the first one out and let it heal. Pierced it again two years later. Again, never healed 100%.
OP
It’s actually lobe! Ugh……..
Anon
The point to go to a doctor was two months ago.
Anon
Why bother with this unhelpful reply?
Anon
And the second best time is now.
DC Inhouse Counsel
Is it actually infected or do you just have an irritation bump? If it’s not super painful/leaking white/green goo and it’s just a reddish bump at the piercing site, it’s probably just an irritation bump. If that’s the case, do not use neosporin. Keep using saline spray twice a day, and you can try spraying saline on a qtip and using the qtip to put a little bit of pressure on the bump (emphasis on *little bit*), and otherwise leave it alone. It can take up to a month for the piercing bump to go away.
(I have 11 ear piercings and 1 nose piercing and this is what I do for the occasional irritation bump)
Anon
Agree with everyone who says to stop the saline and neosporin. Keep it clean and dry and let it heal a bit.
Anon
Is it infected or is it not fully healing? Not necessarily the same
anon88
As others have said, I think you’re fussing with it too much. I have ten ear piercings and what I’ve found is very gentle soap and water for the first few days and otherwise leave it alone is the best way to heal. Try not to touch it. The more you mess with it (especially touching it) the longer it’ll take to heal.
anon
My daughter had this for many months. We took the earring out and put in small real gold hoops. Im guessing her ears were reacting to the metal in the original earrings. Good luck!
anon
Advice for small town living? DH and I moved our family to the small town where he grew up (population 10k). I grew up in a city of 400,000 and we have lived in a large metro for 15 years, and our kids were born there. I had all these preconceptions about small town life that were completely wrong. I know this sounds naive but I thought it would be quaint and friendly but the opposite is true- I’m actually quite lonely and find people keep to themselves a lot. There’s so much chatter that people keep things very superficial, even our family in town.
Anonymous
Make friends! My town is a bit bigger but under 25.
Join local groups- garden club, school organization, that sort of thing.
Anon
See if there is an active chapter of a cause you care about – Junior League, the League of Women Voters, a book club (I’m a member of Books, Brunches, and Booze).
Anon
I moved 3 months ago, alone, from a city of 250k to a town of 2k and have found my people at the library and community theatre company. There are some snooty people in town but by and large, especially now that I’ve met a few friends, folks have been welcoming. It takes time, though.
Anon
+1 to the library recommendation. I am in a 4k town (rural suburb of a larger city of ~1M). The library is our local center for hearing about all the social things in town, especially if you become a regular and chatter with the workers and volunteers.
pink nails
I live in a 1000 person town/rural community that I didn’t grow up in and love it, I feel pretty qualified to answer this. People in my small midwestern community are friendly, but they will not force deeper connections. Like we are not pop-in neighbors (lol my husband would hateeee this anyway).
My number one piece of advice – join something and participate in their activities regularly. Yes millennials (assuming you are one, I am too) hate this and we all want to stay home and not join things. But finding a third place that you show up to reliably is key in finding community. If you want community feeling in this town, join their community. It’s not going to happen just from living there. Find a church, a volunteer group, a workout class/studio, something. I felt pretty disconnected from my community for the first five years we lived here. I’m not a church person and I don’t have kids, so church and PTA were out. There wasn’t a natural way into community – like we were very superficially friendly with our neighbors but that was all. I finally found more connection when I did these things during a “year of yes”:
-joined the local Lions Club. Yes I was the youngest person by DECADES. I started participating in all of their activities and working with them. This has been the #1 driver of connected-ness to my community since I’m one of the doers.
-regular at local businesses, for months. yes, it’s superficial chit chat day to day, but over time it becomes more.
-regular at a local workout class – same class, every week, for 1-2 years. I loved that class, and made real friends coming out of it who I still talk to.
Anon
Not OP, I posted below about living in the local city of 80K. I joined the Elks Club and a cultural organization, and I also was the youngest by 20-30 years (and I’m early 40s). However, neither are really my scene. Though I’m in a liberal state, the community is overwhelmingly conservative, like QAnon/MAGA. So YMMV.
Senior Attorney
Try the Rotary Club. One of their main projects is polio vaccination, so that may weed out the worst of the conspiracy theorists…
Anon
Not sure entirely where you live that people keep to themselves, haha, but for me, it was absolutely essential to have an “in” – someone who knows everyone and can introduce you to people. I moved for work and for me that was my boss but if you’ve got in-laws your age maybe they could do it? A lot of small town stuff is word of mouth or who you know and it helps so much to be connected. Working or volunteering in the community will help a lot, and I assume getting involved in kid stuff will help too (I don’t have any experience myself on that score yet). Obviously gossiping about people is a terrible idea because there’s a good chance whoever you’re talking to knows them, so keep everything friendly. Churches are still a huge source of community gatherings and information. Look at bulletin boards to find the local events, and invite people out! I just went to an arbor day thing and got two free saplings (plus there was face painting and a bounce house, lol).
FWIW, I’ve been in my (pop. 12,000) town about 10 years now and I have my own business now and get referrals and know people and the places and feel very integrated, but for real, basically the only friends I have locally are the wives of some of my husband’s friends (he grew up here) although I will admit to not putting in much effort to find separate friends. I do zoom calls with my non-local friends, and hang out with family more than anyone else.
Anon
I grew up in a town of 7K then moved to the largest city around, 80K. I agree you’ll have to find organizations to join. There probably won’t be organic opportunities to meet people. Also, I find it hard to connect with people via exercise. I’ve been a gym member for years and also do the community fitness challenge. People seem weirded out if I try to make plans with them outside of the fitness class.
Anon
Throwing this out there: implement all the ideas of garden clubs, PTA, whatever. Have a set amount of time. If, say, four years in, you’re still lonely, move back. Sure it’s nice to be near family and maybe his parents are aging or what-have-you, but moving back is almost always an option. It may be uncomfortable for some people, but you’re choosing who is uncomfortable and unhappy.
(I also have the very controversial take that parents shouldn’t expect their kids to move to, live in, or regularly travel to East Nowhere, that is five hours outside of Small Regional Airport. Live there if you want – it’s your life! Be happy with the limited time you have on Earth! – but don’t whine if your kids want to live somewhere with jobs and a social life.)
Anon
We moved to a small town about a year ago as our nest was emptying. We still work in a big city, but our social life is now almost exclusively in our small town. The key thing we did was join a very small church in the heart of town. From there, we have met so many people who have been very intentional about introducing us to others. And we just say “yes” all the time-to invitations from church friends, volunteer gigs, requests for food, open mic night at a local church, “you should reach out to Jim for answers to your gardening questions,” and “come to this lunch group every Tuesday.” You name it, we’ve said yes to it. If you put an ad in the local free newspaper for your event, I’ll come to it. I have been up to my eyeballs in work and rearing 3+ very busy kids, and my social life, such as it was, revolved around them, so this has taken some getting used to. But we LOVE it. There is such an opportunity to have an impact, so we’re more than just a cog in a machine here. As a couple of others have mentioned, don’t be dissuaded by age differences. We are finding much more cross-generational socialization goes on here than we’re used to.
Anonymous
Oof – we made a similar move but to my hometown. the vibe is totally different here than i was expecting, and i also feel a lot lonely. my kids are 10 and 14 right now so we’re past the little kid stage, and i really wish i had leaned in to meeting people during the younger years when having playdates or hanging around on the sidelines was a regular and natural part of parenting. Join the PTA or the local mother’s group, you’ll be glad you did later.
Odds are good that FB is going to be your best resource for a lot of things — the local media is stupid here but I get all sorts of tidbits from the unofficial city Facebook page, ditto for our closest big city (the FB group is named for the region and not the city so i’d never have found it if I didn’t know about it).
Anon
Are there city council meetings or anything like that you can attend? Volunteering for voting days? Stuff like that, civic duty and all that jazz.
Anon
is anyone else having trouble with the mom’s page today? i can’t comment
Anonymous
I’m still upset about this interaction I had on Sunday. If anyone could kindly indulge me I’d appreciate any feedback. My husband took my kids to the local restaurant for lunch and I had been running errands when he called so I walked down to meet him. The weather was beautiful. It’s less than five minute walk to Main Street where the restaurant is and Main Street is relatively busy.
There’s a car in the middle the street just off the main road. The lady in it glares at me and just starts motioning for me to come near her. I want no part of this. The vibes were awful. But this is a small town, sometimes my instincts are wrong and it could be a guest or friend of a neighbor. So I go over. It’s an older lady dressed up and perfumed to the hilt but in a real beater of a Kia. She starts talking to me about her flat tire and how none of this is her fault and somehow I’m engaging with her and she somehow, without so much as a “please” gets me to google aaa and call them on her phone. As I’m handling back her phone she says “good! Get them on the phone!” I handed it back with a very fake smile and just said “I’m giving this back to you now. Good luck.” I walked away but I felt so awful that this mean old woman thought I’d just stay there are deal with aaa for her.
The way this lady just assumed that I was there to help her and didn’t need to be asked or thanked just rattled me a lot. It’s hard to express but she looked at me like I was subhuman. Im a nice person. I’d have stayed if she was having a medical emergency or if she was even confused and nice but I hate that people sometimes act like I’m obligated to serve them. I’m not this lady’s servant; I’m a full fledged person who just wants to go about her day. How do I give off better energy so as to not be looked down on like this? I stand up straight. I’m in my 40s. I wear nice clothes. What am I doing wrong here?
Anon
I don’t think this is about you or the vibes you give off at all. My grandmother was like that. She treated the whole world like her servants.
Anon
I wonder why you think you did anything wrong. She sounds like a miserable person who would have treated anyone the same way.
Anon
+1
You did nothing wrong, why would you even think you had done something wrong??
Anonymous
Girl you’re so off base here! You don’t have to deal with this at all. Don’t waste your time wondering why some weird rando doesn’t seem to like you. Ask yourself why you don’t value your time and instincts enough just to keep walking when the vibes are off.
anon
You didn’t do anything wrong? She sounds like a real delight of a person.
Anonymous
Unless this happens to you on a regular basis, which I am guessing it does not, you have nothing to worry about. She was just a weirdo who would have done the same to whomever happened to be passing by.
Anon
You were kind and helpful to someone who is not, whether because of personality or mental illness or entitlement. That’s on her, not at all on you.
anon
+1 glad you mentioned mental illness. I had a similar encounter to what you described, something so off putting it got me off kilter for days. I later found out that the person I had the interaction with had had a stroke and significant frontal lobe brain damage.
Anon
I mean it could be mental illness but it could just be personality. My grandmother was like this her whole life and stayed remarkably sharp until her death at 96. My father and I used to joke that she stayed so sharp by sucking the will to live out of everyone around her.
Seventh Sister
My maternal grandmother was sharp as a tack into her 90s and all of us (her daughters, her sister, her granddaughters) agreed she was too mean to die young.
Seventh Sister
My MIL would 100% do this kind of thing if she was still driving. I suspect that she has dementia, but she is resistant to any sort of medical exam/treatment and our relationship is such that I can’t “force” her to go. Her spouse is in complete denial and her sons (including my spouse) don’t think it would do any good to see a doctor. It’s very frustrating and I wind up having to buffer interactions with strangers when we are out together.
Runcible Spoon
Or overwhelming fear — it’s scary to be an old, dressed-up woman who unexpectedly suffers a flat tire in the middle of the street!
Anon
You helped her because of who you are; she was an arrogant, entitled jerk because of who she is.
I imagine that this has gotten people to help her before, because it pushes psychological buttons. I noticed that it takes a lot of effort to not fall prey to an authoritative tone, which is how my parents treated me.
anon
OP here- So it’s this last sentence. People here don’t seem to socialize in the way that I’m used to, or maybe as other posters put it, it just takes time to build the connections. Don’t get me wrong, there are interactions, but just very surface level. We have been here 6 months. We do like our church though, again, it’s superficial. I volunteer 2x a week at church- weeknight with the kids and weekend as a greeter. I feel like I’m friends with the 4 year olds much more than the adults, the adults just don’t seem to want to interact. I have tried to set up several play dates, but both my sisters in law laughed and said, no people don’t do that here. Everyone kind of sticks to their families. We have done 2 of my kids birthday parties here and people were friendly-ish, in and out and that’s it. My one sister in law is a semi-prominent person in town so many people know her and she knows many people, but now that I think about it she doesn’t have anyone I would call a friend, just a lot of interactions.
Anonymous
6 months is not very long. Just keep getting yourself and your kids involved in the community and at school and it will happen.
anon
Nothing. You’ve encountered a narcissist. Or a batsh*t lady. This is her bad mojo not yours!!
NaoNao
I have “resting therapist face” like many women do and I think it’s nothing you did or didn’t do! Some people are just nutty and have that “reality distortion field” around them that makes you feel nutty.
towelie
I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong. I’m not a very warm/inviting person and older women still do this type of thing to me occasionally. it’s usually a fake rich person who acts above everyone else yet but is doing middle class things like doing their own grocery shopping or ordering food at chipotle lol.
at least you only have to deal with her for a few minutes and she’s not your mom or spouse!
Sarah
Per a Corporette post yesterday, for those of you still wearing dresses to work, are you all wearing loafers with dresses? What kind specifically? Or still pointed flats? Something else? I’m looking to update my wardrobe (a bit, I find it so much easier to find work dresses that fit me than work pants so I’m still on team dress even though I know many of you say that dresses are out-of-date as a category….) and I’m still wearing Rothy’s style pointed flats. What should I be looking at adding? Thanks!!
Anonymous
I wear birdies.
Sarah
Starling? I like that as a transition from flat to loafer!
Anonymous
Yup!
NYCer
I wear flats… Chloe, Repetto, Loeffler Randall, etc.
AIMS
I like a slightly longer skirt and blazer as a transition from dresses. Midi if you like, but can be a just a big past the knee if that’s easier for you.
Anon
I wear square-toed flat Mary Janes & have gotten a ton of use out of them.
Anonymous
I’d like to buy a nice necklace for daily wear– something not too trendy, so I can wear it indefinitely, but not too preppy, which is not my style. Budget up to $500 but would go to $750 or so for something great. I’m thinking gold chain (I rented the Demarson Lisa necklace for a few months and really liked it), but open to suggestions of brands or specific pieces!
Anon
I have a plain gold necklace from Haverhill that I love
Senior Attorney
This might be too California-woo for you, but I’ve been drooling over this one for quite a while: https://mayabrenner.com/products/the-clarity-retreat-necklace?variant=39889910169694
Anon
Almost a year into a new job and realizing it’s a sh!tshow on a systemic level. Leaving for the next 2-3 years isn’t an option unless I get poached (not super likely). How do I (type A, fired up, loves to feel accomplished and impactful) not hate my life in this job (nothing gets done, everyone complains but no one does anything, any time anyone tries, they’re blocked)?
I may not love it but I’d rather learn to reach neutrality rather than staying in frustration and boredom.
Work Phone
Why can’t you leave? Did you sign a contract?
anon
This was me at my first in-house law job. It took me 5 years to acclimate to the levels of inefficiency. My biggest regret was that I didn’t realize sooner that if everything was such a dumpster fire then no one is watching for my impacts and accomplishments and even when I did pull off amazing things, the amount of effort to do so was incredible. I should have accepted the way things were, and that done is better than perfect or good, and just tried to meet some people, have a good time, have some fun/loosen up a bit, and spend more time with my family or before kids getting a hobby. Having a friend at work, or at least someone who makes you laugh is extremely helpful to get through the day in this type of environment.
Anon
Hi–I work in house at a dumpster fire company. Our entire management team but the CEO has turned over in the 15 months I’ve been here. One GC quit ten months into my time, the second one quit five weeks in VIA TEXT message. Our CFO just got fired for his second alcoholic sxual harassment incident in seven months.
Sometimes you have to realize that no amount of type A can save a place. I really railed against this place until recently I realize that staying is not an option–I have to go. And I feel really at peace putting that plan into action.
So yeah–don’t fester and lower your standards and adjust to working at a DMV-like culture. Find somewhere that rewards your initiative and work. Because in my current environment, people don’t work hard, and…if you do, no one cares. You don’t get a biscuit, a bonus or a promotion. Very different than biglaw or other companies I’ve been at.
All the best to you!
Anonymous
Lawyers, taking a poll–roughly how many emails do you get in a day?
anon
I’m in-house.
Substantive ones addressed to me that require a review and response? Between 50-100 a day.
Digests, spam, listserves, and other junk I can get by without reading? Another 25-50 a day. I’m working on getting this number but down but it’s hard.
Cat
oh man, this could be anywhere from like 20 (slow Friday) to 200 (email thread from h-ll).
I filter all the law firm digest type stuff to its own folder and skim through it about once a week.
Anonymous
In total, about 200.
Non-spam, marketing, administrative, conflicts, etc. – 5-10.
anon
When I was in-house, about 100/day. During heavy deal season, maybe 200-300. Now, in a consultant role, about 20.
Unrelated but I hate email and wish people would pick up the phone more.
Paging earring poster
The Strategist has a list of stud earrings in a variety of sizes and price points: https://nymag.com/strategist/article/best-stud-earrings.html
Anon
I’m having one of those days where I feel like I can’t make my boss happy no matter what I do and I’d really like to just go home. Sigh.
anon
On days like this, I would go get my nails done at lunch.
Anon
I had a boss like this and leaving did wonders for my mental health. I hope you can get out soon.