Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Shay Jacket
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I keep going back and forth on this blazer from Tuckernuck.
Part of me is in love with it, and part of me thinks it veers a little too far into “ladies who lunch” territory to be practical for my business casual life.
Regardless, I really like the braided trim accent and the nipped-in waist. I think the best option for the office would be to pair it with slim black pants, but it would also look great with denim if you are, or would like to be, a lady who lunches.
The blazer is $298 at Tuckernuck and comes in sizes XXS-XXXL.
Sales of note for 1/1/25 (HAPPY NEW YEAR!):
- Nordstrom – The Half-Yearly Sale has started — up to 60% off! See our roundup here.
- AllSaints – Now up to 60% off (some of the best leather jackets!)
- Ann Taylor – Semi Annual Sale! Up to 40% off your purchase; extra 60% off 3+ styles
- Banana Republic Factory – The Winter Sale: 50% off everything + extra 60% off clearance
- Boden – Sale, up to 60% + extra 10% — readers love this blazer, these dresses, and their double-layer line of tees
- DeMellier – Sale now on, free shipping and returns — includes select options like Montreal, Vancouver, and Venice
- Eloquii – Semi-annual clearance, up to 85% off; extra 60% off clearance
- Everlane – Sale of the year, up to 70% off — reader favorites include their scoop tee, Dream Pant, ReNew Transit backpack, silk blouses and their oversized blazers!
- J.Crew – 25% off full-price styles; up to 50% off cashmere; 70% off 3+ sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 60% off winter faves; extra 25% off $100+
- L.K. Bennett – All sale half price or less
- M.M.LaFleur – 30% on almost everything with code
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off fall and winter styles
- Sephora – Extra 20% off sale items for Beauty Insider members
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off, plus free shipping on everything (and 20% off your first order)
- Summersalt – BOGO sweaters, including this reader-favorite sweater blazer
- Talbots – Semi-Annual Red Door Sale – 40% off + 25% off, sale on sale!
- Universal Standard – 25 styles for $25, 1/1 only
Help me get over an inappropriate crush. (We’re both divorced, it’s not a “Will ruin someone else,” it’s against a work policy to date a vendor.) Ran into each other, unplanned, at three separate holiday events last quarter and flirted /had surprisingly good convo through all three. He invited me to dinner, I said “maybe in the New Year,” we haven’t seen or talked to each other since. This is good, I don’t want to start something, but I keep thinking about how good it felt to flirt and get to know him and I want to stop thinking about it! I’m mid-career. Thought feelings like this were done in my 20s! How can I distract myself or accept it was fun and move on?
This is likely just something to disclose if you work with that vendor so you’re not involved. Don’t let work get in the way of your life. Find out what you need to do but this is hardly boss and subordinate territory.
this is not inappropriate. this is life. this is how real people used to meet in the real world!!! disclose if you feel like you must (although i might have dinner once first, seems to me dinner with a vendor is something people do) but go for it. as a divorced woman i can attest how difficult it is to find someone you want to go out with. don’t waste it!!
I totally agree. I am really struggling to see a scenario in which this would be forbidden or inappropriate.
If there truly is a “not even one date with a vendor” policy, I’m betting it’s because of some dude who caused the company legal problems in the past.
I posted above and really agree with this. I was taking OP at a “know your company” level but yes, exactly, this is how people met and married for millennia.
I agree. I’m confused why OP is acting like it’s forbidden.
The OP said it is against her company’s policy. Not all companies are the same. Just maybe she knows her company.
She should still then find out what the rule really is. It’s rarely completely forbidden (that’s hard to legally enforce anyway) normally it’s just disclosure and recusal requirements. And not before a first date either.
Go with common sense here. I’m assuming you and him were not interacting a ton in the vendor relationship previously. So, go with the CIA disclosure rules here – three official dates or you sleep with him twice (can’t remember the exact rule, but you get the gist).
Unless you’re directly involved in buying decisions, it’s probably not really a violation of policy. If you are, you could recuse yourself from decision where his product is an option. As I’ve gotten older I realize that it’s easier to find a new job than it is to find a good man. If you really like him, give it a whirl.
you said it, sister.
This exactly. Unless it’s the one company in her city that has her niche role, she can probably find something else. And if the city is that small, finding a good man is hard, too.
And if OP likes her job, he could be the one to find a new role.
This, too!
+1
+1 agreed. Disclosure and recusing yourself is a good option if you’re a buyer and the date turns into a relationship. Send him a text OP! :)
Amen.
Probably unpopular for here but I’m embarrassed at my 2024 spending on clothes. And I didn’t purge anything old so now my closets are a mess and I feel guilty. Help?
Every day, pick one item to purge and move to an out of the way place. Keep doing this every day until it gets difficult, then plan a few hours to do a more comprehensive evaluation. Also, every time you reject an item while dressing because it doesn’t make you feel good, put it in the discard pile. Every time you wear an item and it annoys you, is uncomfortable or otherwise makes you feel off, put it into the discard pile.
Yes! Whenever I wear an outfit and feel ugly or like something is off, I put it in the goodwill bag.
Agree with this. I have a “holding” space for things that will eventually get donated (hall closet) but as soon as I put something on that I don’t usually wear, I usually figure out why I don’t wear it. It’s either worn out, unflattering, or uncomfortable.
Once I accept that I’m never going to feel great wearing it, I feel less guilty about jettisoning it from my life.
It really helps me to put it somewhere else, rather than immediately toss it. Then I can see that I don’t really care.
Just set aside a weekend and purge your closet. It’s the mess that’s the hassle. Having new clothes is a good thing, it makes you feel better and present better to the world. Just take the time to get organized. And be ruthless.
you are presumably wearing the new stuff and not the old stuff. take every winter/ fall item that you haven’t yet worn this season out of your closet and put it in a box/ bag/ suit case. Put said suit case/box/ bag in garage, trunk of car, under bed. If you haven’t looked for anything in it by May ask your husband to just dump everything at good will or one of those charity boxes in a parking lot. enjoy your new things! do not reopen the box, just let it go….
This slow method would torture me and prolong the pain. I purge my closets quarterly and never feel better than once everything in there is things I actually wear. But you have to do it all at once, the slow burn will never feel as good.
This is personality based, I think. I’m like you and do this a few times a year. But similarly, I could never do a 5 minute clean before bed. I just have to do it all at once when I’m ready to do it.
I also think the one thing at a time is good for maintenance, but you need a foundation to start with.
I like to purge with a safety net. Drop all the items I think I don’t want in a box, ignore the box for a period of time (a month? A season?), after which time if I don’t have any misgivings I am comfortable donating the box.
I almost never sort through the box to pull something back out.
Having new clothes isn’t necessarily a good thing for the planet or those making them.
I’ve been watching low and no-buy videos on YouTube and insta that have helped shift my mindset. My favorite is Christina Mychas but there are lots of them out there. I’ve slowly decluttered and organized my closet and then cataloged what I have left on Indyx and finally feel really good about where I’m at now. You can do this!
Do you have any other suggestions? (not OP, but interested in this!)
I do, thank you for asking about my new favorite topic! I also like Cara Nicole, Nicholas Garofola, the older Hannah Louise Poston videos when she originally started her no-buy year, Alyssa Beltempo, and if I’m trying to fall asleep and want to listen to somebody kind of ramble about the topic then Shawna Ripari.
As a fellow watcher of most of these people, the OP should also ask why she bought these clothes. What were the emotional triggers? How can these uncomfortable feelings be addressed in a healthy way? Were they about a fantasy self? Shopping during an outing with others pushing you to buy? Hoping that the clothes will precede better habits? Feeling happy? Sad? Insecure? Bored? Etc.
Print out a thredup label, affix it to a box, and fill the box. I don’t make much money, but it’s enough that I keep purging my closet. I think I have finally reached the point that I am appalled enough at my spending to buy more thoughtfully, but for what I have already accumulated, thredup is a good motivator to clear out my closet.
I like to buy from ThredUp and focus on NWT or excellent condition, and I don’t mind donating. But can people still get cash back from ThredUp?
I send stuff to ThredUp and what you get is pretty minimal for clothing, even NWTs. Purses and shoes you can get a bit more. It’s still great to get rid of stuff that’s current or in good condition.
I have made a couple of thousand dollars from thredup, which makes me when I think about how much I spent.
Live with the discomfort for a while as you thoughtfully prune. Make new outfits with a combination of old and new items and see whether the new pieces give old ones new life. If during this process you find your older things are too worn, never really fit right or are nonfunctional in a way that can’t be easily fixed, either toss or donate the old item. You will slowly integrate the new pieces without tossing something useful.
I use two apps to track my wardrobe and it’s super helpful. The primary one is OpenWardrobe. One of the first ways that it might help is if you find yourself balking at taking pictures and going to the trouble of uploading, it’s a big sign it’s time to let go.
Once you upload everything, track your outfits. You can also see what colors are dominating (and if that’s how you want it!), what brands, what your average spend is, CPW per item, age of items, and more. You can also take a screenshot of the item you’re considering and see how it fits into your current wardrobe. I am considering a collarbone length artsy necklace and went through my wardrobe. I realized that most of my necklines just…don’t match with that, sadly. It’s an expensive necklace and would have been a pricey mistake, so it was eye opening to see just how few necklines would really “go” with it.
It’s a lot of work to get everything set up in the first place but super, super worth it.
Commented above, but I’ve done the same thing with Indyx and absolutely love it. I started a couple of months ago and I’m excited to get more data. It has already helped me limit my shopping.
To help with purging, I keep a bag (just a Trader Joe’s paper bag) in my closet. If I try something on one morning and I’m like “ugh, no”. Into the bag it goes. When it is full or when I am taking other donations, I grab it and donate.
Something else to consider, the “ideal” budget for clothing is about 5% of your monthly take-home pay. I tend to do my shopping at the 7/4 and Black Friday sales so I add up that monthly 5% and divide. I would not stress over last year but look at what that total should be and maybe just adjust for this year. Another strategy if it helps you is to put things in carts online and then just leave them there. A lot of times people satisfy their urge to shop by just putting things in carts.
I have a new baby and my family doesn’t seem interested in visiting. We’re not ultra close, but we’ve had no falling out or anything of that nature. They just…don’t want to make the effort? My stepbrother, who admittedly has issues, literally drove past our exit on the highway when he was in my city (lives 4 hours away) and said he was already “booked up” (he doesn’t work) and couldn’t stop. My other brother has acted like he wants to, but hasn’t followed through even though he makes extensive plans with other people. My parents (an hour away) visited once and seemed happy to but only seem interested in visiting again as a stop on their way to visit someone else. I can’t help being super hurt by this. I’m someone who has never asked for much from family, but I thought a new baby was something that we could all enjoy together. My husband’s two surviving immediate family members live in the Middle East and it’s not possible to visit at this time, so our daughter is really not going to meet any immediate family at this rate. Not sure what I’m asking for here but I feel hurt and humiliated. I’m not going to beg them to care, but it is painful that it’s come to that. The indifference is almost worse than a straight-up rejection. How do I move forward?
And just to confirm, I’m not asking them to read my mind – I reached out to invite them. My baby is 3 months now.
It’s cold and flu season, of course people don’t want to expose your newborn. I would view the distance as coming from a place of love and concern. They will probably be more into the baby once it is a bit older and fully vaccinated.
LOL, so really their indifference is just tender concern for newborn welfare? Please.
What on earth makes you say this? What a weird speculation that takes nothing from the OP’s description into account.
I’ve witnessed this with my BIL. His parents have never prioritized being grandparents, and that has hurt him a lot. He tried inviting them, he tried going to them, he tried asking them to be more involved. None of it made a difference.
OP, just know that it’s not you. Like others have said, lean into chosen family, because it sounds like your family of origin isn’t going to give you what you need. You can keep asking if you have the energy, but if the rejection is too hurtful, you have permission to stop asking. There are so many people who will love your baby and support you. You don’t have to share blood.
Unfortunately, you can’t make people care. Trust me, I’ve tried. I would surround yourself by people who care, perhaps friends who feel like family.
This. I’ve found lots of people have similar experiences. It can definitely feel like you’re the only one without a big ‘village’ but I promise you aren’t. I’d focus on building connection in a way that feels authentic to you – is that close friends? neighbors? focusing on getting your feet under you as a new mom? I’d also encourage you to join a new mom’s group for a social outlet/support and talk about this with your husband/close friends.
Focusing on building connection (new moms group, etc.) is great advice. My husband and I were disappointed and confused by how disinterested certain family members were after we had our child. I feel like we went through a process of figuring out where family members were at in terms of how interested they were, how involved they wanted to be, and the best ways to engage with them. Our child is four now and I feel like we’re in a good place. It’s really best to meet people where they’re at (even if it’s not where you want them to be).
I know you’re right. Fortunately we do have some visits lined up with some cousins that we’re very close to and also the baby’s great aunt, who has been a real rock to me over the years. It still hurts but I know that looking at the relationships that matter the most will eventually help.
This is great life advice that I have implemented. Some people *should* care but don’t. I mourn that, then focus on all the people who do care.
This. It IS humiliating, no doubt about that. However, there are 8 billion people in the world and I have found many who love me and care about me. It hurts me for my son that he doesn’t have family on my side, but he doesn’t lack for love.
Yes. My SIL found that while her parents loved their grandkid, they really wanted to talk about their grandkid to *others*. I suspect this is the case for a lot of people.
What about going to visit them? My grandparents weren’t baby people so there was no way they were coming over to the house of baby hell to visit. But my parents took us over for shorter visits and as we grew up we maintained a wonderful relationship. It became the family joke about how grandma doesn’t care for babies. Not everyone does.
Were you close before the baby was born? If you didn’t see a lot of each other before, it seems unlikely to change once the baby shows up. Plus babies just aren’t very interesting until they start walking and talking (or maybe even a few years later for a lot of people).
If you want to have closer family relationships, I’d focus on what’s going on with them and not the baby for now- you say one has issues and it doesn’t sound like you’re close to the others either. If they’re around more in general, they’ll also get to know your daughter as she grows. But I’d try to meet them on their terms if you want a relationship because it doesn’t sound like they’re in a place to be cuddly baby people right now, for whatever reason, and it’s not worth taking that personally.
I guess I’m not willing to meet them “on their terms” if those terms don’t include the most basic of obligations (checking in and visiting a newborn). I’ve spent a lot of my life pretending that I don’t have needs and always serving others and putting them first. I don’t think I’m willing to anymore, and I do think that family members should be the ones to come to the new baby instead of making the new mother who is recovering do the travel. Maybe that’s not how it always is, but every single one of my friends seems to have that with their families and I’m sad that I don’t, to my surprise, have it with mine. Yeah, maybe we weren’t super close, but I thought we were closer than this.
But your baby is three months old? Are you really recovering or being stubborn? Not all families look the same and you have to take what you’ve been given. Maybe try visiting them and you’ll discover a good relationship of a different variety. Don’t let your idea of perfect be the enemy of the good.
Yes, I’m still recovering. I had a traumatic birth with HELLP syndrome and a C-section. I’m finally feeling more like myself in the last two weeks. I start pelvic floor with physical therapy next week. As you can see from my post, we have not had any help from family during this time, which probably didn’t make recovery easier. If I didn’t have a supportive husband I would’ve really screwed over my physical recovery.
OP – I wish I had spent more $$$ on support after I had my baby. Look into a postpartum doula.
Eh maybe it did help. I’d hate to have family visiting while recovering like that, I want the freedom to not shower or feel like I have to host and entertain. You sound exhausted and probably postpartum. Don’t let this time interfere with your long term relationship with your family.
this seems unfair to a new mom. yes, at some point she can go to visit her parents, but the first 3 months is hard. OP – given that they are only an hour away I can understand why it stings that they have only visited once. On the flip side, since it is only one hour away it will become easier for you to go there and back in one day as baby gets older.
“I’ve spent a lot of my life pretending that I don’t have needs and always serving others and putting them first.”
Hug. Same, sister, same.
Therapy is helping me.
Just a fair warning: having a child will make you hurt for what your parents and siblings don’t give you, but it is also very healing. You will quickly feel like you simply could not have that level of indifference to your own child, which makes it impossible to ignore what your family of origin does to you. After that, it becomes really clear that it’s a them problem.
Ooof, this last paragraph is so, so true.
“I’ve spent a lot of my life pretending that I don’t have needs and always serving others and putting them first.” It sounds like you may have a family that at a minimum isn’t very emotionally present or engaged, and I’m also dealing with something similar. It often felt like there were potentially valid reasons why a reasonable person would do any one of the things they did (and I think the speculation of folks on this thread illustrates that), but the pattern over time and their indifferent attitude hurt and eventually made me realize that they just don’t really care about me in the way I wish they did, and it really did (and still does) hurt. I also agree with everyone on this thread saying you should build a new community of folks who engage with you and with whom you feel a real connection. I’m hearing signs of them being emotionally neglectful and/or immature (not sure if this characterization is totally right since I don’t know your situation in detail, but you may want to do some reading and see if it fits), and at a minimum their behavior is reflective of the type/level of engagement they want with you and not something that you can fix. I’m sorry, I know it hurts.
This is kind of shocking. Do people really not care about their pretty close family to this extent? I made it a point to see my first cousins baby in the first month of their life – obviously the baby won’t notice but it mattered to my cousin.
I agree with focusing on other friends and networks. A lot of people have “aunts”, “uncles”, “cousins” who they are not blood related to.
I am about to be a play “aunt” to some babies and I’ve planned a whole trip around meeting them.
I feel this so much.
I had a baby 2 years ago and my brother and father still haven’t met her and haven’t expressed any interest in doing so. My mom, to her credit, stepped up more than I expected. Growing up and as a young adult she always complained about how her friends and sisters spent too much time with her grandkids and she’d never do that. She visited for a week when the baby was born and now we see her probably 4x/yr, which feels about right and is more than the 1-2x/yr I saw her before the baby.
My husband thought his family would be very involved as his dad is close to his 2 nieces. However, my MIL passed away and we’ve figured out she was the connector for the family, plus DH isn’t FIL’s favorite which has become very clear in recent years. FIL has said a few times the third grandchild isn’t as exciting and every time he visits (maybe 2-3x/yr) I feel like he’s counting down the hours until his flight. He generally only comes for 24-48 hours at a time despite being retired and living a 5 hour drive away.
Anyway, it’s been 2 years so I’ve had time to process and the hurt has gone away. I decided as a young adult not to invest more time in people than they invest in me, which means I’ve let a lot of extended family relationships go. Why travel to them if they’re just going to talk about themselves the whole time and not show any interest in my family?
We’re working on building our village through friends and while they’re fun, it’s not the same as having a grandparent near by to pitch in when a kid is sick or to give you a night off when overwhelmed. I’ve felt less guilt about paying for sitters too; DD is in full time daycare and we try to do a date night once a month. DH has some work travel coming up as well as a boys ski trip and I have no hesitation calling one of our college student sitters to come and help.
“I decided as a young adult not to invest more time in people than they invest in me, which means I’ve let a lot of extended family relationships go.”
This is the way. Obviously relationships don’t need to be transactional down to the exact cent, but they do need to be reciprocal. If people indicate they don’t want a relationship, then don’t force one. They can always reach out later if they change their minds.
Just to be clear, he visits 2-3 times a year and lives a five hour drive or flight away? That’s super involved! I think that’s a standard deviation beyond what most single (male) grandparents would do. Even if he seems to be counting down hours, he’s clearly making an effort.
We see DH’s parents 1 time a year, maybe 2, and it’s a short flight. We have four kids so it’s MUCH easier for them to come to us. And we pay for their flights. I honestly think it’s fine. My kids do not feel any less loved by their grandparents – weirdly enough they just think it’s normal to not see out of town grandparents much. I’d say they hold them in the same esteem as their local grandparents whom they see much more often. We see DH’s sisters about every 18 months? we planned to host the one with the only kid for thanksgiving and they bailed last minute. And honestly, it was fine. As kids get older they just kind of take things at face value. Maybe it’ll bother them when they’re adults, but they still think of all those people as family – just family they don’t see often. Anyways, it sounds like you actually have pretty involved family! So I’d appreciate that! (We see my family more, but they’re local, and they do not help or babysit.) I think expecting grandparents to babysit just sets people up for failure. We pay babysitters.
+1 to all of this. When I was growing up we saw my mother’s parents once a year and she called them maybe every 2-3 months. We saw my father’s parents, who lived 45 minutes away, probably every other month and talked to them on the phone less often. I don’t remember any of the kids I know seeing their grandparents more frequently, except for a couple of immigrant families where the grandparents lived with them. The expectation of frequent visits and calls, babysitting, etc. seems to be a new thing among wealthy new parents who practice intensive parenting and expect the extended family to join in with them.
We saw one or both sets of grandparents every single weekend. So did my husband’s family, as well as some of my childhood friends. It seems entirely normal to me if they live nearby.
Weird take. Growing up, my grandparents moved to live around the block from us, we saw them at least 5/7 days a week and had a fabulous relationship. My dad’s parents lived 3 hours away and we still saw them 3-4 time a year, sometimes more.
Loving your family isn’t the exclusive purview of wealthy people who practice intensive parenting. Love is a verb — it means caring about and helping others
I don’t think it’s a weird at all. That’s about what we had but with more frequent phone calls. Fewer people live close to their family of origin now. I think have grandparents sharing sitting duties isn’t as common as it used to be for better or worse.
I’m so sorry. I feel this and have been there. I don’t know what the answer is, but it really hurts.
My sister experienced the same thing when she welcomed her son. One thing that might help is setting an expectation and planning some focused activities other than just “visit”.
Something like “let’s visit, take pictures, have some lunch, and make some new memories” or something. I realize that for many people this is very obvious like “visit” is enough. But I come from a family where my mom I swear just wants to sit and stare into each other’s eyes for hours with nothing planned and it really makes me reluctant to visit. She doesn’t want to DO anything!
Also this hurts to admit but…realistically people just won’t be as “into” the new baby as you. It might help to explicitly say outloud “I would really love to spend some time with you and my new baby while he’s young–so many things change so quickly I want you to be able to see this especially cute stage” (or whatever!)
Do you celebrate your family’s achievements? My family dgaf when I do anything important, so when they have milestones I respond in kind.
Yeah, I do – if I didn’t I think I’d feel less hurt. I’m also always there in times of need. Even though we’re not talk every day close, I thought that’s what families did.
It’s not what all families do and not what your family does. You can’t change them.
+1
Don’t let comparison be the thief of joy.
Is there possibly a little post-partum depression here, making you even more vulnerable?
In my family, one visit from the parents in the 1st 3 months after birth was very normal. I am amazed by the level of involvement many of you post. My family is spread all over the country.
OP I feel this. I had a baby last winter and my family still has not made an effort to see them in our home. The only time they’ve met him was when we traveled to them. It shouldn’t be that way, but it was.
It may seem like a small grievance, but it’s perfectly acceptable to feel hurt by this. Working with a therapist on this topic was really helpful for me. As your kiddo gets older and starts to make friends, feel free to reach out to other parents. Slowly we’ve been building up a village through our daycare and it makes a big difference.
It is vanishingly rare for grandparents to behave perfectly in the eyes of young parents. If the grandparents provide hands-on support (which OP admits in a follow-up post that she feels entitled to), most parents end up aggrieved because the grandparents give the kids plastic toys and candy, compliment little girls on their appearance, demand attendance at family functions, etc. I know very few couples with kids who don’t complain about their parents’ either being disengaged or being too involved.
Respectfully, I think this is a leap. In OP’s case, I’m willing to bet her family does not call or reach out to her. I’m willing to bet, when she calls they do not ask how her baby is doing. Speaking from experience, that kind of lack of empathy and care is jarring when you are a new parent and you are in the throughs of caring for your own new child.
It’s self-centered to expect empathy and care, though, and self-destructive to spend all your mental energy wishing for something that’s never going to happen.
…wow.
I’m so confused by this comment and the lives y’all must live. A basic level of caring is normal in my extended family.
As an example I just saw, last weekend I went to a great-aunt’s funeral. I had not seen her since 2007 at her husband’s funeral. She had advanced dementia and visitors were not welcome because they upset her. But I went because she was family. And I asked family I saw there about cousins etc. who didn’t make it, and sent my love and congratulations on their wins because, again, family.
Some of my aunts who were there even asked about my mother. My parents are divorced and they probably haven’t seen my mom since 2001 but they asked after her and sent good wishes because they had known her for decades and cared about her.
I realize my comment makes it seem like I only see my family at funerals and that is not true. Generally, we see each other sometime around Easter, 4th of July, Thanksgiving and Christmas plus weddings and any other major events in the year.
It’s self-centered to expect empathy and care? What a rotten perspective on the world.
OP, I understand your hurt feelings. It is true that you can’t make people care, so find those who do offer care and empathy.
Okay, so I am the sibling here.
I did not get along with my sister growing up. At all. We are very different people. But neither of us are bad people. We are not close. I am not close to my parents. I haven’t spoken to two uncles in probably decades and I speak to the third a couple times a year maybe. That’s literally the whole family.
My sister and I get along fine now and if she needed money or an organ or whatever, I would help her 100%. No hard feelings. But we still have nothing in common and while we have pleasant polite conversations, we aren’t bonded.
She had a baby two years ago (we are both in our 40s). I went to visit last year and managed a day of chaos over Christmas at my parents house and I will try to visit again this year. I am doing it bc I know my BIL wants extended family present for his daughter but I admit that it’s not something I would do otherwise. I hope they are all well and all that but we aren’t close and a baby doesn’t magically change that. I am child free by choice and while I like children fine, I don’t flying 5 hrs for a visit that is just not that fun. I do it, but I understand why people who aren’t close with their families wouldn’t.
Just my $0.02 perspective.
This is so bleak.
Nah, it’s realistic. You don’t have to like people just because you grew up under the same roof.
But this isn’t about doing something fun or “liking” the trip. Sometimes, in families, you step up because someone in your family has something major happened. You show up. Honestly, the way people tell themselves they don’t have to bother is troubling.
There are exceptions, of course: abuse of all sorts, financial constraints, etc. But just not liking kids, thinking babies are uninteresting, etc. is obnoxious. The same would be true if someone had a different kind of milestone. If you can, show up for a day or two and act excited. It’s a meaningful gesture.
I am the 11:14 am sibling. My sister doesn’t show up for me either. I didn’t even meet her first husband until after they were married bc she didn’t tell me anything about it. I met her second husband once before they got married and he is lovely and I essentially planned and ran their wedding.
My sister and I have both created our own families by creating very solid friend groups. We have each created the chosen family we want. Nothing about that is bleak. Also, did you read where I said if she needed anything I would do it? She’s never once asked me for anything. Just like I have never once asked her. It’s just not who we are and it’s not how our family is.
I have a wonderful and fulfilling life and so does my sister. Independent of blood relatives. We don’t get to choose those so we chose who we wanted.
Separately, my FOO is emotionally unavailable and it’s not my job to fix them. I experienced multiple traumatic events (suicide attempt, sexual assault as a minor, rape, arrest) and my parents and sister know none of it bc I was blamed early on for an event in which I was a minor victim and so yea, no thanks. I could not rely on them for emotional support and now I choose not to try bc I have plenty of emotional support. I’m good. Thanks.
*minor as in age not seriousness
Ummmm…with the exception of your friend groups, everything you described is bleak.
Whatever you say! I’m happy and not the one who is upset about my family relationships lol
Anonymous at 12:02, I’m so sorry you went through that as a child.
It was your family’s job to love and protect you. They didn’t do that. It’s not on you to make up for that as an adult.
Glad you have a great chosen family and a fulfilling life.
there is also a big difference between paying for a 5 hour flight vs. a 1 hour drive
This is the relationship I and most of my siblings have. No hard feelings, we just aren’t particularly warm and fuzzy toward each other. We are scattered across the country and only visit our parents all at the same time every few years. During those visits, we hang out, catch up, play board games, reminisce together, then go back home and don’t really talk until next time.
This is me and my brother. I love him, but he’s not a particularly warm and cuddly person, and we were not raised in a supportive and loving home. I visit him annually to see my nieces, and I talk to my SIL way more often than I do him.
I made a trip to see both nieces when they were born (in fact, was physically present with my SIL during the birth of niece 2), but we’re not physically or emotionally super close. I had no other model until I met my current partner. We hang out with his parents and sister at least 2x a month, which is really nice, but was totally foreign to me.
This sounds like it’s a mutual level of engagement among you and your siblings — which is not the OP’s situation. I think people here are trying to reassure OP that 1. her hurt feelings aren’t out of the norm, and 2. that since she’s now seeing the level of care and investment her family is willing to offer, she has to adjust her expectations and behaviors accordingly.
Thank you to those of you who responded with your tales of similar situations. I think I needed to not feel like the world’s biggest loser that no one wants to visit while friends have loving family banging down their doors – if I’m not the only one who has dealt with this, it’s slightly less humiliating. We will definitely focus our energy on extended family that were close to, plus building new relationships with people with kids. That’s going to include pulling back on the support I’ve provided to my immediate family; it’s not in me to disappear entirely when they are in need but I can do more to protect our energy.
I’m one of the above posters who isn’t close with their family. It can feel really isolating if your friends all have largely functional families who really like seeing each other, but this is nothing to be embarrassed about.
While I don’t have kids, I did get a divorce and have my mother openly say she was embarrassed that I was leaving my ex husband, who she then invited to three family holidays INSTEAD of me. You’re not alone in complex relationships with your family of origin, and it says more about them than it does about you.
oh my god
you win
Congratulations on your divorce. I hope you have a great life ongoing.
I think it’s just important in all relationships to set healthy boundaries. I have friends with very big involved families and that seems both great and overwhelming to me who has a very disconnected family. I grew up an hour away from one of my aunts and probably have seen her twice in my life? Same with those cousins, and I definitely don’t know a single one of their kids. And I understand that would be so foreign for people who celebrate even minor holidays together but I think it helps manage expectations that I don’t have that type of family.
Growing up in a reasonably happy, healthy family and growing up in a family that is not is truly like growing up on different planets. It can be difficult for people with supportive families to realize that not everyone is close with their family.
Gently, nobody cares about someone’s new baby. It’s big to you but not to them. Should they visit out of politeness once, probably but not mandatory.
This is BS. Most people do care about new babies and other milestones for the ones they love. A lot of posters on this thread have been hurt by their families and it shows.
Eh, I’ve only cared about one single baby in my life. The rest I visited and cooed out of obligation but I really wasn’t that interested. (Especially for my friend who managed to have three accidents)
Meh, I care about some babies but not all of them. And the ones I care about are not related to me, but belong to my closest friends. Babies aren’t for everyone.
Oh dang I disagree that NO ONE cares about your baby! Of course there are various levels of care and investment but a blanket statement like that is way harsh, Tai.
We live far from our families and just met our new niece (spouse’s sister’s baby) over the holidays, and she was a delight.
What makes you say this? New babies in my family are a huge deal in my world, and I am not a baby person and don’t see my family all that often in general. Honestly most places I’ve worked cared more about new babies than this.
OP here and my boss swung by to visit (her idea), so yeah…and I love visiting family when a new baby is born. It’s exciting.
Visits were a nightmare for me when I had a new baby. The house was a mess, I was exhausted, I spent all of my time feeding the baby, holding the baby, and/or pumping, and I desperately needed a shower and a meal and a good night’s sleep. I was so embarrassed to have people in my home and definitely would not have welcomed a visit from my boss. I don’t like visiting people with newborns for this reason. I don’t want to put them in the awkward position of feeling that they have to tidy up or entertain me.
This is so stupid. Whether or not you care about a new baby per se is not at stake. If you care about someone, you offer at least a decent response to something that’s important to them.
For example, I do not give a shit about other people’s marriages. I still go to weddings and express happiness for the couple.
One visit in 3 months doesn’t seem like indifference to me and I’m fairly close to my family. Unless there is more to the story (like they showed up and completely ignored the baby) this seems well within the range of normal. I agree that you should go visit them if you care about having more frequent interactions.
I thought the same thing. It sounded totally normal to me. I wouldn’t expect any different from my own family, who live about an hour away. That’s showing up to celebrate without putting too much burden on the new and likely overwhelmed and exhausted family whose time and focus are on getting through the challenges of life with a new baby. I talk to my mom every few days but we only see each other face to face a few times a year. And even then it’s not necessarily all of us from one side or the other. Sometimes it’s just my mom and me ,or its my folks and me without my spouse and son. Sometimes it’s my dad and her and me and my son. Etc.
I think your expectations a little out of whack, personally. My husband’s sister is expecting her first baby in late spring and lives 4 hours away. We are thrilled for them and their baby will be my only child’s first and so far only biological first cousin, so fostering a relationship is important to us, but I highly doubt we will visit more than once in the first six months. Summer is an insanely busy time of year for our family, and the 4 hour drive goes through a major metro and can easily take 6 or 7 hours especially with summer construction traffic, so it’s not something we can do on a dime. When we had our baby years ago, my SIL and BIL came once when she was a couple months old to meet her, but then we didn’t see them again until the winter holidays when our baby was almost a year old. We were not offended at all, and that seemed normal to us. You can love and care about your family and only see them once or twice a year if you don’t live in the same city.
I’m sorry. My family is like this, too. It is painful, and it is not about you. I’m sorry you’re navigating it. Therapy and acceptance did help, but the grief of it is still there.
Question for those of you on compounded GLP 1 drugs. What are you hearing about continuing the medication now that FDA has declared an end to the shortage? I’m interested in starting but not if I’ll have to stop at the end of Feb.
My understanding is that this does not apply to semaglutide, yet. I am stressed.
I recently started on compounded semaglutide and it’s been a game changer so I’m watching this. Agree with housecounsel though, I thought the shortage is only ending for tirzepatide.
what does it mean exactly if there is an end to the shortage? you can’t get the compounded kind?
The drugs are still under patent so can only be sold by the patent holders (Lily and Novo Nordisk). The FDA allow for drugs that are still patent protected to be produced by compounding pharmacies under certain conditions. A documented shortage of the drug is one of these conditions. Once there is not shortage, compounding pharmacies can no longer produce/sell (there are some exceptions, like patient allergy to one of the components, but not broadly like is currently happening).
Yes. When a patented drug has a shortage, it can be compounded and sold. When the shortage ends, the patent protection comes back and it cannot be legally compounded.
I’m not trying to be deliberately obtuse here, but why is that a bad thing? If the shortage has ended, can’t you just get the “real” thing?
It’s because the majority of people taking the compounded version aren’t really medically cleared to take it. They are being prescribed it by medi-spas and would not be able to get it from a real pharmacist.
I think both semi and tirz have drugs approved even if you’re not diabetic.
I went compounded because a) I understood it to be cheaper than paying $1400 for a month’s supply of pens and b) I didn’t want to have to freak out every 4 weeks when it was time to try to find it in stock somewhere. The mail program from Eli Lilly just started 3 months ago so people are still hearing about that.
It’s going to F with all the size 2 influencers that are taking it because they “have inflammation” to get to a size 0.
It depends on whether the shortage has really ended. There are patients with prescriptions who have trouble getting their scrip filled on a regular basis.
Eli Lilly has taken the position that supply chain issues do not equal a shortage. There is a credible theory that the FDA was pressured to delist the drug as in shortage, that Eli Lilly is using this to go after compounding pharmacies and protect their bottom line financially, and that if they are successful, expect others to follow.
It has been a life changer for me. For Reasons, I had made it well into prediabetic insulin resistant territory. Health conditions prohibit any significant exercise at this time. I could, and did, diet like crazy and lose maybe three pounds over a couple of months at most. Once you are insulin resistant, it’s not just calories in, calories out, it’s chemistry too.
I medically qualified for a mainstream prescription, but my PCP is old school, yelled at me for asking about it, and no physicians in my small town are taking new patients right now. I’m kind of getting the feeling that some of the posters here are old school too – you got yourself into this, so you get yourself out of this, all it takes is hard work. There is a point where that is simply not true. And I’m tired of people treating fat like they used to treat drug or alcohol addition, or mental illness (blame, no empathy). If you read this far, thank you for coming to my Ted talk on Why I’m Using Compounded Tirzepatide and How Important It Is To Me.
“It’s because the majority of people taking the compounded version aren’t really medically cleared to take it. They are being prescribed it by medi-spas and would not be able to get it from a real pharmacist.” – I am adjacent to this industry, and this is absolutely not how any of this works. Whether the drug is being prescribed by your regular health care provider licensed in your jurisdiction to prescribe drugs (which I will shorten to HCP because in many places it could be a PA or NP), an in-person weight loss specialist, an on-line pill mill, or a HCP at a medi-spa, as long as it is the FDA approved drug, a pharmacist will fill the prescription if they have it in stock. They do not care whether you meet the diagnostic criteria or where you found the HCP. That is not the pharmacist’s job.
If you are getting the compounded version, a HCP still has to prescribe it. It is just that the compound version is not something you can pick up at your local drug store. You can only get it from a compounding pharmacy.
Most people who are getting the compounded version are going that route because it is much, much less expensive and their insurance does not cover it. A (in my experience) smaller number got tired of the constant availability issues and having to constantly worry about whether they could get the drug and having their progress interrupted. There is not much difference in whether they meet the diagnostic criteria between people getting the compounded version vs. the name-brand.
Also, most people who are taking this drug are not taking it to lose 10 pounds. It is expensive. I can have unpleasant side effects. I realize that the media narrative has been all about celebrities but that is not the reality on the ground.
they keep going on and off the short list — stock up if you really want to stay with your compounder. i just started going through Eli Lilly though and there’s been just enough for 8 doses out of a 4 dose purchase because of extra, so it’s been surprisingly economical. just went up to .5 in tirzepatide.
I’m stocking up now (should get me though another full year) and then will either look into the grey market, or, more likely, take advantage of the vial buying program Lilly has set up (I’m on a maintenance dose now, have lost all the weight I needed to). Reddit has a bunch of great subs on this if you’re looking for more info.
Can you recommend the subs you like? The ones I’ve been browsing are mostly before/after photos but less specific advice.
Any advice on in person places to try on suits or suit separates in NYC?
I’m an attorney in financial services but in my current role I rarely need suits so I haven’t bought anything since pre-Covid. My weight/build has changed a bit, so nothing I own looks right, even if it fits. I’ve been invited to speak on a panel at the end of the month and am also starting to look for a new job, so I hope to be interviewing soon. For the panel, I could wear a suit or a jacket over black pants/a dress, though I’ll want a more traditional suit for interviews.
If possible, I’d love to try a bunch of things on in person so as to avoid online ordering/lots of returns. I’m a busty, apple shaped size 10/12/14. My budget is flexible, though my weight tends to shift enough that I’d prefer not to pay more than $600 for a suit since I don’t know how long it will fit for. I appreciate any suggestions of places you know that have appropriate suits/separates in stock.
this is a tough order. i think you might be better off ordering a boat load of stuff from nordstroms and sending back what doesn’t work. Ann taylor and j crew and banana and macys all have suits but you’re not going to have luck with lots of sizes and style in store.
A hack for this is to order things from Nordstrom to pick up in the store. You can try them on in the alterations area when you pick them up, and can both promptly return anything that doesn’t work and work with a tailor to alter something that you like but needs adjustments.
I am not the OP, but this is a really great idea!
same. good to know. i guess you could do this with jeans too which are a nightmare…. may try it.
I’m that size and sadly the answer is nowhere. Places don’t tend to stock a range of sizes, especially at the higher end. It’s a fools errand to try. Just order and try in at home.
If there were a warehouse that carried every size of any particular suit in a variety of brands like Ann Taylor and JCrew, I would fly there twice a year just to try on the clothes and then order to have them shipped back to my house. I routinely order some combination of 12 and 12P and 14 and 14P and L/LP.
This is not helpful, but your mention of a warehouse flashed me back to buying workwear at Frugal Fannie’s 15ish years ago. Any other MA people who know what I’m talking about, hello!
Wow memory unlocked! Haha
Saks, the original one on Fifth Avenue has a good half of the contemporary floor devoted to women’s suits. Similar size range and last time there were plenty to try on in store. You might need to bump your budget up a smidge per suit (or get one less suit). And, hear me out, if you weight is fluctuating a good bit, try on some St. Johns (on sale, could be in your budget), there is a reason it’s stuck around for so long.
Lafayette 148. Make an appointment in advance.
+1
My best friend is a very busty apple, and she swears by the Calvin Klein sheath dresses and matching jackets. She gets them at Macy’s (online). Hope this helps.
I haven’t lived in NYC in a while, so not certain whether the Herald Square Macy’s has a suit section anymore. Apologies!
How TTS is The Fold? Am stalking a few sale items, but have never ordered from them before. My sense is to size up even from their US equivalent to their UK sizes, but would appreciate hearing from those with actual experience.
I am a size 8 in most brands, and I am a UK12 in the Fold. I love the Belleville top, and it is actually very flattering to my round stomach.
I left a longer comment below but agree that the tops/dresses with draping/folding are very comfortable and flattering to a more mature body/fluctuating body shapes.
This is gorgeous. Is there anywhere to try-on in the US?
Unfortunately, I do not know of any. I bought two different sizes used (try Ebay) and then resold the one that didn’t fit.
I wanted to love the Belleville top so much, but like many items from British brands, it was too short for me through the body and cut me off at a weird spot. I am only 5’6″ but everything British seems too short for my torso.
That said, it was true to size – US 8 was a UK 12.
I find them very TTS for designer sizing. I’m a size 6 in things like Boss, Veronica Beard, Theory and am reliably a size UK10/US 6 in the fold. I do size up to a medium in their knitwear because I prefer to layer a camisole underneath (and because I don’t love the super bodycon sweater look) but I could fit into a small.
They tend to run long (common for UK/EU brands) and cut for a more narrow figure. I’m 5’4 and I almost always have to have 2-3 inches taken off their skirts/dresses/pants. They have gotten more ‘curvy’ inclusive in recent years but I would not order a blazer or a closely fitted top/dress if you are busty and do not already know your sizing there. One additional word of warning – the Greenwich/Avebury dresses and others that are crossover styles fell open much deeper than I expected and I returned them both as I didn’t want to worry about bending over and having my entire bra exposed. Tacking/stitching in the jersey material was not advised by my tailor.
It’s pretty much TTS for me. I am a size 10 in many things, occasionally a 12 and there is lots of room in the US10 at The Fold for me. If anything, it runs slightly big.
I agree that The Fold runs a tad large in US designer sizing. If you are between sizes, I’d try the smaller size.
I have a cousin who is likely dying from cancer and I’m hoping the hive has some wisdom..
His doctors have recently changed the conversation from “here’s what we’ll try next” to “it’s time to think about how you want to spend your last weeks/months”, essentially. It’s awful and horrible and I don’t know how to support him.
Added context – I’m closer to his mom, my aunt, but this is a cousin I see & chat with at family events, we’ve never had a super close 1:1 relationship. We live a few states apart so while we will & can visit, it’s not like I can offer the daily life admin kinda support like taking care of their pets, etc. (their immediate family & much of our extended family IS local). He is recently married, no kids.
I feel like I ‘know’ how to provide support to family when someone passes, and how to do the ‘get better soon’ but this… I feel useless and anything along the lines of sharing memories feels too “I’ve given up hope for a recovery” and anything about stay strong, we’re all here for you feels.. tone deaf in the face of such bleak odds?
sorry for the long post, just really struggling and also probably overthinking as a way to compartmentalize…
Can you go visit? That’s what I would do. Nothing too long, just go say goodbye and connect with his wife in person too. I’m sorry, that’s a hard loss.
When my cousin was at this stage with cancer, I made the trip to visit. I just spent time with her, and the other relatives in that area, at her home. Now that she has passed, I am very glad I went.
I am very liberal with buying meals and cleaning up on trips like that.
in my experience, this phase goes very quickly, so do something soon.
I’d reach out to cousin and ask if you can visit, and figure out what support they need. depending on the relative, I’ve this be a (weirdly) kind of positive time, as the person may not be feeling as bad as they did while treating? but there also may be a lot of practicalities to take care of (eg, moving out of an apt or giving away items).
or maybe it’s just a visit with your cousin that isn’t heavy or meaningful, but you have that opportunity.
sorry for what you’re doing through. you won’t regret being there for them.
In the last year or so of my sister’s life, she really liked looking at old family pictures and hearing about good memories. It doesn’t have to be a “we’ve all given up” thing but tbh, if your cousin is young, by the time people are able to say “yes, time is short, we’re focusing on how to die well not the next treatment”, my guess is your cousin has known this internally for a while now. Sometimes it can be a relief to acknowledge it.
We waited too long and were too hesitant to tell extended family that we’d spent a lot of time with as children but kind of drifted from as adults that my sister would really benefit from hearing from them – it doesn’t have to be a whole thing, but just a text and a remember-that-funny-story-from-Thanksgiving would have been very welcome. You can never hear from too many people too often that they love you.
All families and all dying people are different so ymmv but my advice would be to reach out. Don’t worry about it sounding like you’ve given up. Ask if he’d like a visit.
thank you for this… yes, we’re both early thirties. “You can never hear from too many people too often that they love you.” – really struck a chord. I’m so sorry for the loss of your sister and thank you for sharing your experience of what was beneficial.
And send positive/happy memories. I have found that people who are dying really enjoy hearing your memories with them. It’s through those memories that they will continue to live on and they know they mattered in your life.
After someone dies, share those memories with their family members, especially months or years later. This is a way the family members keep the person alive.
My rule is no dithering – just go. You don’t need to be perfect but you need to be there.
+1000000000 to this. It’s applicable in all situations like this.
With a special exception for the friend who started crying in front of my dying mother and had to be told, by my mother, that friend would be ok after my mother’s death.
thanks all – should have mentioned, we do have a trip to visit in the next couple of weeks planned! Thinking about messages to send /what to say / any gifts that could be helpful in the meantime (I think he hasn’t had much of an appetite but maybe a doordash gc is still helpful for guilt-free ordering whatever sounds good or his wife might be up for, etc.)
Doordash gc sounds like a good idea. They can use it, save it, his wife may find it helpful in the future.
Not the same situation but my personal experience: when my grandpa knew his time was limited, but while he was still cognizant and ambulatory, we spent a weekend with him and just did normal things together. I kept busy with housecleaning and light yardwork so he didn’t feel the need to entertain me, and we worked on puzzles in the afternoons. Nothing heavy, nothing forced, but comforting nonetheless. Those are some of my most precious memories, sitting on the porch with him, watching the sunset, sometimes talking and sometimes being silent together.
There’s a really a push in cancer to think of it as a fight that will either be won or lost instead of a awful thing that happens to people and where you can prioritize how you spend what life you have left.
Right now, you provide comfort and reminiscence and distraction and tell them you love them. What would you want to tell your friend? What would you want to do while he can? What memories do you share that you’d want to reminisce about? What pictures do you have from happy memories?
+1 reach out and visit soon.
ask him if there’s anything you can take care of for him, particularly to take the load off his mom when the time comes.
Help me come up with a script to tell my sister I won’t be able to attend her son’s wedding in Florida when I’m 6 months pregnant. I am 40 so my pregnancy is high risk. I’m afraid to travel to FL because I don’t think I will receive emergency care if something goes wrong with the pregnancy. I’m in DC, so FL is too far for me to get home safely while miscarrying. Sort of an aside, I have also raised a big fuss at work because our firm scheduled our annual partner retreat in FL this year, meaning women cannot safely attend, so it would look pretty hypocritical of me to attend a personal event but not a work event – though that’s beside the point because I’m not attending either event.
Much like my firm, my sister and nephew do not agree that FL is unsafe for pregnant women. I’m just being overly anxious bordering on hysterical. Everything will be fine, how dare I use a wedding to make a political statement. They also want me to drive my 80 year old mother to and from the wedding. Mom will not fly or take the train or consider any other option. Mom also lives 2 hours out of the way, so if I drove her, it would turn a ~15 hour drive into a 17+ hour drive, not to mention additional stops because she’s incontinent. Another aside, my mother has been pressuring me to get an abortion since the moment I told her I was pregnant, because a baby will ruin my life (apparently I’m 14 not 40). So, 30+ hours in the car with her is not something I’m going to do. Sister is not sympathetic.
Basically there are a lot of reasons for me to not attend this wedding, but none that my sister or nephew will accept gracefully. I’d like to decline without creating a major rift. Help?
you answer your own question in the last sentence. there is nothing you are going to say that they will accept gracefully and you also feel like you can’t go. no magic answer- something like “sis and nephew, i love you both so much and i am so sad that i am not going to be there but i’m just not willing to travel when i’m 6 months pregnant.” If feasible (like depending on where you live) take nephew and new wife out to a super nice dinner when they’re back from their honeymoon.
Stuck in mod but basically this. You can only control your own behavior, not how other people react. Your job is to state your own decisions/boundaries firmly and kindly and stick to them, not to find the magic words to make everyone agree with you.
I would say not able instead of not willing, but agree on the rest.
But she is able and not willing. That’s okay.
You say that’s okay but the OP wrote because her family is not letting it be okay. Of course, shifting the messaging won’t make a difference in this case, but as a general rule people are more likely to accept ‘I can’t’ rather than ‘I won’t’, so I have no qualms to say ‘I can’t’ when the underlying reason is that it doesn’t fit with my priorities.
No, no she’s not able for safety reasons. this has nothing to do with being not willing, as the concerns if there is an emergency situation with the pregnancy are actual and real. If it would not be safe to travel somewhere, then you are NOT ABLE to travel there, even if you might otherwise be willing.
This is such a great opportunity to blame it on your doctor: they’re the one who say you can’t travel and you’re bummed they won’t let you. But after all, something something safety something something the baby.
The absent authority tends to work in people who think women are being hysterical.
+1. “My doctor has advised me not to travel for this wedding.” That’s all they deserve in terms of excuses. As for your mother….hoo boy.
Bit of tough love here but you can’t make your family agree with you through the perfect script. You can decide what actions you are comfortable with, set limits, and enforce your boundaries calmly and kindly without arguing/attacking/being cruel or putting down their views.
However, that doesn’t mean your mom/sister/nephew will accept those boundaries gracefully (mine didn’t!). That’s ok! It’s honestly a good lesson/practice for being a parent – the only behavior you can change is your own.
Use your words and be firm. They won’t like it, and that’s okay – part of being an adult is doing things your family doesn’t approve of. “Sorry, I’m not able to travel because of my pregnancy.” End of discussion.
Agreed. You can blame it on your doctor if you want some cover: “my doctor recommends that I not travel”. If you are doing it on the phone and she starts complaining/ranting, say “sorry I’m not able to discuss any further” and then hang up.
+1 I’d blame it on my doctor. But I’m a big fan of lies that keep familial rifts away.
This is a time when “no” is a complete sentence. No explanations. “I’m so sorry to miss your joyful celebration and wish you a lifetime of happiness” on repeat.
+10000
This this this. Don’t try to make sis agree with you, don’t over explain, just don’t go.
Yep. There are no magic words that can make unreasonable people reasonable, OP. I know that’s what you’re hoping for – a well worded explanation of why you can’t go that will make your sister and mother just get it. But they won’t. They don’t want to.
Be brief, don’t explain, just be firm. You regret that you won’t be able to attend. Period.
“I spoke with my doctor and unfortunately she said I’m not cleared to travel to the wedding. After the baby is here I’d love to get together with Nephew and his new wife to celebrate.” And then stop worrying what these people think, they don’t have your best interest in mind.
I would definitely not drive your mom. Asking you to do a 17 hour drive will pregnant is insane.
I probably have a different perspective since I’m in Texas. There’s definitely been a decline in care for pregnant women in the last year, but I know two friends who have had to deal with pregnancy loss in a hospital setting in the last year and it was okay. I think the scenario you are thinking of is pretty remote. This is a state full of democratic women who support planned parenthood who are still having children. It’s a terrible situation. But for various reasons, we probably can’t move and we’re having to be pregnant while spending our whole pregnancies here. If your sister is a democrat or pro Roe, she’s probably had to struggle with this and kind of hates that Florida is the way it is and just saying you won’t travel there won’t make her feel great either. I’m over 40 with three pregnant friends now, all of whom are sitting at my table at the Planned Parenthood luncheon next month. So try to couch anything you say in a sensitive way. it stinks, but we still live here and even have babies.
Thanks, I have several close friends in Texas who are having children and I’ve tried to walk the line between being supportive and projecting my fears onto them, which helps no one. I understand it probably seems alarmist to someone who has to live there that I don’t feel comfortable even visiting. But I know my (bad) luck. I have had all sorts of freak travel issues in my life, the kind most people only read about online. I’m not testing my luck with this one. If it’ll happen to anyone, it’ll be me.
Sister and nephew are pretty far right. They’re pro-choice in theory but it’s not that important to them. They refuse to believe that women are dying as a result of these laws.
That’s nice of you. I think your best call is to just say “doctor says I can’t travel further than x” at this stage rather than “I’m not comfortable traveling to florida” I missed two close friend’s weddings due to pregnancy and it was unfortunate but they understood!
Use your doctor as an excuse: “My doctor said I’m not cleared to travel. I’m so sorry.”
Then leave it. They can gripe or complain or talk behind your back. Let them.
As someone who had high-risk pregnancy and delivered preterm, things can change on a freaking dime. You’re doing the right thing.
Honestly, you’ve made your own bed by trying to make a political statement initially with people who you know won’t agree with you. This is a situation where I would have said – my doctor has said I cannot safely fly or drive that far that far along in my pregnancy. I hate that I cannot attend. Have fun, here’s a gift. But you’ve said what you said now (and I am not saying I disagree with you, just that sometimes it’s better not to say the quiet part out loud), so there is likely no script with which they will be ok.
To clarify, I haven’t said much of anything to them at this point. Formal invitations haven’t gone out yet so I’m not late on an RSVP or anything. I expect to get the invite within the next week or so, though (save the dates went out ages ago).
Before I was pregnant, I told them DH and I are super excited to come, and I sent pictures of the dress I plan to wear. Since the pregnancy announcement they’ve asked if I still plan to come and I’ve said, I think so but it’s still early so I need to clear it with my OB.
Gotcha. In that case, you just blame your doc and say you’re not allowed to travel. Repeat as needed. Send a nice gift.
Yup – this is actually so easy. Leave out unnecessary explanations around the “political” calculations surrounding a high risk pregnancy, and just politely decline the invitation when it arrives. It doesn’t sound like you’re in the wedding party, or expected to be helping out at all, so your absence should not impact the bride and groom beyond a twinge of disappointment and a hope they’ll see you sometime after the baby is born.
This is the way to go. I would not even mention your political stance tbh.
I don’t think I would want to drive while I was 6 months pregnant. That said, as a liberal Floridian, I am not concerned about the ability to get medical care during the later stages of pregnancy. I think the worry is early miscarriages. Where in Florida?
I don’t think I’d want to do that drive even not pregnant. Presumably you’d have to break it up over 2 days, which means you’re looking at 4 days of just driving. That’s a lot.
Yeah even if the trip were to some blue haven, that’s a lot of hours driving for someone at risk of blood clots.
This. It’s usually better in general to keep your politics out of your explanations especially when you know others disagree with you.
I gotta be honest I think you are being a bit hysterical claiming that your company’s retreat will be unsafe for women because it’s in Florida. Literally millions of women live in Florida. That kind of thinking really irritates me too because there ARE countries that are legitimately unsafe for women. It’s not like your retreat is in Afghanistan.
You should have just said you’re not comfortable taking a long trip when you’re in your third trimester.
+1
Thank you.
Literally millions of women *are* unsafe living in Florida. I don’t understand why employers were so willing to boycott North Carolina over restrooms but now they don’t care about their female employees’ physical safety.
+1000. Denial and minimization are powerful, but only when women are affected.
Stop. This is the type of hysterics that cost Dems the election.
You’re more unsafe driving to work.
@ anon. 12:04
Russian interference is what cost dems the election. Blaming women who care about their health is misogyny. Eff you.
Yeah, I laughed out loud at that one. Like girl, you better get your histrionics under control now, or motherhood is going to be one hell of a ride.
Wow calling a pregnant woman hysterical, what a revelation.
What a miserable thing to say. Did it make you feel better??
It did! It is very funny that a wealthy, empowered law firm partner is scared…to travel to Florida. Come on.
That’s funny I didn’t know that being a wealthy, empowered lawyer some how insulates a person from pregnancy complications.
I agree.
Just say that your doctor does not advise this trip and send a lovely present from the registry.
Just keep repeating it.
Your family sounds like they s*ck.
agree w/ others there’s no magical script that will make them accept gracefully. And, it’s a huge ask even if FL was a blue state. They don’t sound great anyway soo maybe a little distance is OK right now?
“as my pregnancy is high risk, my doctor has told me not to travel further than X miles from (home) hospital. Congratulations on the marriage, sorry I can’t attend!”
(I wouldn’t travel there if pregnant either. But it’s useless to try and convince them. Your health comes first.)
It doesn’t matter at all. Truly they will be mad no matter what. Politely decline, send a card and a gift, and when they want to keep going over it say “I’m sorry you feel that way, I wish nephew and his bride all the best, but my decision is not up for discussion” and end the call.
I would change the last part to “I won’t put my baby at risk.” People care about babies more than women.
I just sent a message to my professional org that is holding a seminar on discrimination in Texas that I won’t be able to attend because I’m pregnant and Texas doesn’t protect my rights, and that I’m disappointed they would chose this location. I don’t think you’re being too anxious.
The often repeated advice on here is that “no is a complete sentence.” I think it’s a bit trite, but in this case it applies.
None of your explanations are going to help you here. Your sister and mother both sound not like people you want to be around right now anyway.
Just say “sorry I won’t be able to attend.” And stop answering questions about it. Move on.
Congratulations on your pregnancy!
The easy way: a white lie about doctor’s orders. Frankly, my doctor [or my friends that are doctors] would have written some BS on a prescription pad no questions asked (“no air travel after 6 months due to risks of a geriatric pregnancy” sounds just awful enough to be believable)- but your sister isn’t going to ask for a doctor’s note. You can also explain that you have to miss your company’s annual retreat for the same reason and they are also upset.
You may not want to take that route, but it’s the path of least destruction. I’d call her and say you ran everything by your doctor at your last appointment and s/he wouldn’t sign off on it citing too much time in the airplane and/or car.
blame it on your OB. Just say your OB doesn’t want you more than X hours from home after the point of viability (and then you have to actually follow through with this)
You can’t and you are being overly political. It’s your sister. You need to stop making far-fetched excuses and go. Sometimes for the sake of family you need to do things you don’t actually want to, for someone else.
Disagree. Protect your pregnancy.
+1000. A wedding is not more important than immediate health and safety during the deadliest time in a woman’s life.
Nope nope nope. A sister who would demand that a woman who is 6 months pregnant take a 17-hour drive with her incontinent mother is horribly self-centered. She’s not being asked to “show up.” She’s being asked to torture herself.
+1
i completely agree that sometimes you need to just do things for family. but there is no reason for this to be political at all. just blame your OB. I know multiple people who were told not to travel after viability. i also know multiple people who got stuck places for months bc they delivered early.
Agreed. This wouldn’t be political for me. I didn’t travel after the point of viability when I was pregnant in 2017 because I didn’t want to deliver far from home and get stuck there. I know someone who delivered at 26 weeks in Hawaii on a babymoon and had to live there for months and it totally upended their lives. Florida is not as chaotic as Hawaii but I still wouldn’t have done it, nothing to do with politics.
I’ve already commented that you can pin this one on your doctor… and then I thought about the logistics of that trip again.
I’m a total road warrior and I would not make that trip while six months pregnant, especially being responsible for a grandmother.
We are keeping issues of state law out of this. Put that aside entirely.
Things can change so fast. If you’re in Florida and presumably near a large city, you can get to a hospital in relatively short order. You can even look up in advance which hospitals are in-network for you and have Level III NICUs. (I did this when considering a work trip when pregnant.)
But in the road with a woman with continence issues? I’ve driven from DC to Florida. There are huge stretches without any decent size cities. So what happens if you hit an emergency in Santee, SC? You gun it to Charlotte, NC while freaking out about your baby and an old, incontinant woman complains about wanting a rest break and starts peeing in the passenger seat?
No. Just no.
We had a friend who was about six months pregnant decline to drive ~4 hours and stay in a hotel to attend our wedding, and we completely understood. The proposed trip here is absolutely insane.
I’m the Anon you responded to and… the more I think about this, the worse it is.
If the OP is in Florida near the venue and something happens, she can get checked out to be safe. If she misses the wedding because she was at the hospital, people will understand and not mind that she played it safe.
How would everyone feel if she’s getting checked out “just to be safe” with Granny in the car in North Carolina?
How would Granny feel if left to fend for herself in Charlotte while the OP is in the ER? If she refuses to fly or take a train, she doesn’t seem like she would be all that up for booking her own hotel room and managing her transportation.
Do they want you for you, or do they mostly need a way to transport Mom?
Ding ding ding.
We have a winner.
Side bar: Mom would be far more comfortable in the auto train in a private room than on this road trip. Toilet right there, food, sleep through most of it, no traffic.
Mom might prefer to be chauffeured, but the auto train is the answer here.
Yup.
My MIL was like OP’s mom and there was no way any of her children would have undertaken this trip with her under any circumstances, pregnant or not.
You have control over whether this becomes an argument with them. Don’t let it.
there increasingly seems to be a belief in the world that if everyone just figured out how to say whatever it is they want to say in the right way…. that others would agree with them. either you go because you don’t want them to be mad or you don’t go and live with them being mad. those are the choices.
Well, I don’t think it’s “increasingly” so, it is pretty basic human nature to want others to agree with you. It takes maturity to realize it’s not going to always happen, no matter how you lay out your side.
But there’s also a choice between presenting a bunch of reasons that invite an argument and just… not doing that.
I will give you my perspective as a woman who gave birth in her late 30s. I had back issues (sacroiliac) with both pregnancies that made sitting for long periods torturous, and I also couldn’t reliably hold my pee by around the 6 month mark.
There is NO WAY I would have agreed to a 17 hour drive at that point, nor would I have done a plane trip unless someone was dying.
Your sister is in planning mode right now and is trying to figure out the easiest (to her, not to you) way to get her mother there. But relying on you to do it is unfair and unrealistic.
Best to tell her now so that she can make alternative plans for mom.
In terms of your attendance, leave it at a generous gift and your best wishes. Life happens. You have to do what is best for you and your pregnancy.
Here’s something I only realized recently. Like in the past few months. When other people are being unreasonable, I don’ t need to be bound by my general operating rules to be earnest/transparent/helpful, etc. I’ve finally given myself permission to strategically b.s. as needed. No idea why this has taken me so long.
Like everybody else is saying, since you already *know* they won’t respect your reasoning, what would make the most sense to say given your goals? You have this internet stranger’s blessing to say that.
I had an executive torpedo an international collaborative project about a week ago. Today the news press about it came out and it’s crushing my soul, this project will impact tens of millions of people, so not having my organizations name on it is bad. I’m of course thrilled it’s going forward with other actors but I have no motivation to do any work today.
That sucks. I’m sorry. It’s fair not to feel motivated today, so see if you can catch up on mundane things (paperwork, emails, etc) and then leave early and get yourself a treat.
By the way, the fact that you’re still happy the work is happening says a lot of excellent things about your character.
Your second paragraph is beautiful. What a lovely compliment from one internet stranger to another! I got chills reading your words; they will keep me smiling on and off for the rest of today. I hope the OP feels similarly supported and seen. The project is still happening and she’s rejoicing even if her current org is not (yet?) involved. What’s not to like?! Cheers to both OP and you. We need more open-hearted celebration of good developments in our world.
anyone surreptitiously GPS the car their kids drive? what device do you use? don’t want to airtag bc his phone will trigger it. if you are philosophically opposed to doing this, you do you but you don’t need to respond and tell me.
If you can’t or won’t be above board about it than don’t.
why do people on this board feel compelled to answer questions that weren’t asked?
Because sometimes its painfully clear that people aren’t thinking with their right minds.
Or are trying to figure out how to stalk someone, not to innocently monitor a child’s whereabouts.
Exactly this. Posters should expect honest feedback they may not like on an anonymous forum.
It’s the internet. You don’t get to demand that you get only the answers you want to hear.
Don’t lie or trick your kids. Tell them that you want to track their car for their safety, you won’t be spying on them but you need to know where they are in an emergency.
+1. The teens always figure out they’re being tracked. So what you’re teaching them is that you will trick them, you will lie to them, and you don’t trust them. It’s also dumb because you’re using it as a “gotcha” tool to get them in trouble instead of letting them know they can’t get away with funny business to prevent them from doing it in the first place.
Yep. And If you can’t trust him with the car, you can’t trust him with the car and he shouldn’t be allowed to take it in the first place.
THIS. Doing things by half measures is the wrong way to parent teenagers. They have the most advanced bs detectors on the planet. Be consistent, be reasonable, and be all about natural consequences.
If hey are too irresponsible for a car, they are too irresponsible for a car. If they are in “trust but verify” territory, let them know that you are trusting them (giving them the keys), but verifying via whatever app you choose.
My kids have phones on the family plan so I can see where they are if I want to (Find my iPhone). I try not to abuse it, but sometimes it gives me peace of mind. I trust my kids, they’re good kids, but I like knowing I can figure out where they are in case of emergency.
Yeah this is just a basic convenience thing to me for people who share a household and a safety precaution for emergencies as well.
An airtag won’t work anyway. I put one on my dog and it doesn’t register her movements in real time or trigger an alert when she leaves the geofence, despite the fact that we live in a densely populated area with tons of Apple devices all around.
i’ve heard airtags get hot and will burn your dog.. just an fyi.
I feel for your kids but I guess if they’re driving they’re getting to the age they won’t have to live with you for much longer.
My parents tried to lie and stalk me, we are low contact now
Edgy.
i think that you make it clear that a condition of having/keeping the car is that you must be able to track it. (if they’ve had the car for a while i would probably saying something like “as we discussed when you got the car, a condition of having/keeping the car is X” even if they’ve had it for a long time, kids will never remember.)
if the kid is over 18 you’ll have to have another reason.
just curious how many of you track your kids phones? basically everyone i know does. wondering about you all because this is probably less invasive and there’s an awful lot of venom coming up.
I think you can only really track your kids phone if you pay for it and most teens work and pay their own phone bill.
Who are these “most teens” you speak of? I’m 40 and some of my friends are still on their parents’ cell phone plans.
What world do you live in where teens pay their own phone bills? Certainly not the world I live in, where many adults are still on their parents’ phone plans.
I see you don’t know most teens.
Teens aside, I would not even put money on betting that most adults have their own standalone phone bills.
I have never tracked my kid’s phone, but all of my peers track their kids.
My kids are currently adults, but when they were teens I did not track their phones. I trusted them and kept the lines of communication open.
My adult daughter is still on my cell phone plan because it is much cheaper than having her own and she is a recent college graduate paying more than my mortgage in rent for a not-fancy apartment. I can (and do) use “Find my iPhone” to check on her location pretty regularly, mostly when she is travelling, or we are having bad weather and I know she is driving.
She uses the same function to check on MY location pretty regularly for the exact same reason. I once asked her in college if she minded and she said she did not “because you only use it to be sure I am safe; you never try to control me.” (And she admitted she liked knowing I made is home safe when I was driving long distances for work since I live alone.) She and her college roommates all shared locations for safety reasons and she does the same now with her boyfriend. Which is my long-winded way of saying you might try talking to your kids about the line between cyber-stalking and safety and their thoughts on both.
It’s true that phone tracking goes both way. I know my adult daughter uses it to see if her dad and I are home. I do the same with her. We are all on the same phone plan.
My cell phone plan is $15 per month. How much cheaper does it need to be for a full grown adult to get their own phone plan?
I think there are big law partners on this website still on their parent’s cell phone plan. Don’t get it, but I don’t get most of the world these days.
I don’t think you’re going to outsmart your kid. If there’s a trust issue that they’re supposed to be rebuilding, then one of the stipulations for having the car back would be to enable some kind of tracker in the car as well as sharing their location on their phone.
If they’re getting a car for the first time then I would make this part of the deal, too. Frankly I make my kids share their location with me anyway.
Not surreptitiously, no. Our whole family has Life360 on our phones. When kids started driving, we turned on those features in the app. I get a notification when they complete a drive so I know they made it safely and they don’t have to text me. If they were in an accident we would get an alert. But we’ve always been up front about it and we don’t use it to micromanage or stalk them. They use it to check where we are almost as often as we use it to check on them. I know some people don’t like that type of app but it works for us.
This seems really reasonable to me. Teen drivers have curfews where I live, and parents are responsible, so it makes sense to me for everything to be on the up and up.
Be real. Are you trying to track your spouse?
That was my thought. And if you feel the need to track your spouse, it’s already too late.
My entire family including adult children is on Life360. I check it for innocuous reasons like to see what time to put the chicken on the grill when people are on the way to the house. Why does your mind go to tracking a spouse because you are suspicious?
Because the poster is trying to be sneaky instead of saying “my car my rules.”
My 2024 Honda came with some built in software that allows you to do this from an app on your phone. You can also ask it to send you an alert if the car goes over a particular speed.
I have Life360 on my kids but it’s not surreptitious. I do check their speed and there are consequences if they’re speeding.
Advice for navigating wardrobe when you’re in a phase of life that involves a lot of body changes? (Had a baby last year, planning for another one in the next 2 years.)
I lean more minimalist typically and liked having a capsule wardrobe with some fun pieces, and now it feels like all I’m doing is growing out of clothes and sifting through clothes that don’t fit. I’m about ready to just wear shapeless mumus that will fit whatever is going on with my body so I don’t have to think about it anymore. It just feels like another annoying chore that I don’t want to deal with.
i know there is a lot of guilt about fast fashion but this is what it’s for. buy a few things each season and wear the h–l out of them and then get new the next year when you are bigger or smaller or in maternity clothes.
Lots of washable knits in dark neutrals. You can add in “fun” pieces to make your outfits less boring, but you’ll be glad to have clothing that can work with lots of other pieces and that offers some stretch to adjust to your shape.
Lots of options with stretch. And don’t overbuy.
I remember feeling soooo frustrated with my wardrobe during this phase, so you have all my sympathy. It felt like I was always buying or culling something. In hindsight, I should’ve stuck with a few things I really liked and fit me, rather than trying to add variety. Maybe that’s good advice for my now-perimenopausal self, lol.
especially now that i don’t go into the office every day i have a much smaller rotation. i used to have easily 15-20 outfits. now i have maybe 6.
Try Rent the Runway? Then you can supplement your basics as needed
The Athleta endless pant has been great for me for work pants. It’s stretchy through the middle. I just got the pinnacle trouser and I like it so far. It’s a wide leg and stretchy all over, not just through the middle.
I’m sad that the skinny jeans/oversized top trend is out because that was a great way to navigate this stage of life. I hate the new fitted top/tight waist/loose leg trend and I hope it goes away soon.
I do a capsule in a couple of sizes for bottoms and make my fun pieces tops or accessories. So basically, 3 pairs of pants/jeans and 2 skirts in size 6 for example and the same in size 8. Shirt sizes seem to change less depending on cut. I rewear in different ways each week and also rewear jeans without washing every time.
I’m going through body changes for a different reason and I’m loving thrifting/ThredUp. I just bought 4 new pairs of pants in my new/current size for less than $100. These will get me at least until summer/2 more size changes.
When I was in this season of life, I went to Ann Taylor on a holiday weekend and bought a capsule wardrobe. Doing it all from one store helps because they often have colors that look good together on sale at the same time. The holiday weekend meant I saved some money.
Oh, and when it was time to move on from those clothes, I was SO ready. I wore the hell out of them, and then gladly put them in the donation pile.
I’m responding a bit late but this is what I like Poshmark for. I just buy my tried and true brands and styles in the size I need for a steep discount. Despite what we think, our bodies don’t completely change shape as we move up and down the scale. Your favorite pre baby jcrew pants and sweaters are in another lady’s closet with tags on them right now and she’ll send them to you for 25 dollars. You already know you like the style and materials and you won’t waste time trying to figure that out. It’s not the most stylish look but it will get you through a few months. You can always splurge on new jewelry or a handbag that you’ll enjoy for the next few years.
Boden’s ottoman knit dresses are perfect for this–they’re forgiving in the waist, are comfortable but polished, are machine washable, and easy to throw on. If you add cute flats, boots or booties (and this time of year, tights), you are fully pulled together. Highly recommend.
I lived in these dresses when my weight was shifting.