Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Tuxedo-Pleat Blouse
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Sales of note for 3/15/25:
- Nordstrom – Spring sale, up to 50% off
- Ann Taylor – 40% off everything + free shipping
- Banana Republic Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off
- Eloquii – 50% off select styles + extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – Extra 30% off women's styles + spring break styles on sale
- J.Crew Factory – 40% off everything + extra 20% off 3 styles + 50% off clearance
- M.M.LaFleur – Friends and family sale, 20% off with code; use code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 40% off 1 item + 30% off everything else (includes markdowns, already 25% off)
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- I'm fairly senior in BigLaw – where should I be shopping?
- how best to ask my husband to help me buy a new car?
- should we move away from DC?
- quick weeknight recipes that don’t require meal prep
- how to become a morning person
- whether to attend a distant destination wedding
- sending a care package to a friend who was laid off
- at what point in your career can you buy nice things?
- what are you learning as an adult?
- how to slog through one more year in the city (before suburbs)
I am in big tech….writing a proposal for services that we are offering to large customer at no cost. We are investing in their success. Would like input from this hive on language you use when you offer services “pro bono” or no charge, etc. Just looking for 1-2 sentences….thanks!
In Contracts – not sure why you are offering services for free, but since you are, I would not use the word “pro bono.” Is this for a non-profit organization? Make sure you have a strong limitation of liability clause to ensure you don’t get stuck with any damages for your free work. Do you get any consideration in the future for this work?
Absolutely agree.
If it is a nonprofit they would probably call it an in-kind donation or an in-kind sponsorship.
I’ve heard it called working ‘at risk’ when you anticipate being paid later; however, it is not guaranteed.
What does “investing in their success” mean? Is this a discount for the amount of services already provided? Do you get an investment on this return in some way? I don’t understand what you’re trying to do. Do you?
Anyways, just put “for good and valuable consideration” if it really is a “free service” – which I don’t think it is. It is part of an incentive program related to work you’ve already done. What you don’t want to do is write a contract that is not enforceable because there is no exchange. Because that’s a gift.
I think you put it well: “We will be investing in your success.”
In big consulting this type of work is generally referred to as a ‘value add’ (ie – we are billing you for x and y but z will be offered as a ‘value add’ service). The terms ‘shared risk’ or ‘milestone based’ contracts are often used as well – ie, the provider does the work free (or at cost) until a pre-agreed metric or milestone is hit.
Also – you generally CLEARLY spell out the terms of this work (how long will you be offering it free? under what conditions? ie, what if they drop below a certain level of spend with you?) and price it because it helps the client understand that this work has value (what you’re really offering them is a freebie or a discount and you want to quantify the gift). If you need to charge for this service later on you want them to understand the value of what you’ll be offering.
Um…I work for a large tech company (idk what “big tech” is… but anyway..). We sell software. I run product. We do tons of pilot/proof of concept type work with new products or modules that we often give for free for a set period of time (## months or until certain milestones are met). We also have products with contracts that are at risk – they don’t pay h til XYZ is met. Then it’s a % of their profit using our tool.
Are you writing the MSA/contract/SOW? Because I have never heard “pro bono” thrown into a tech agreement AT ALL.
Depending on the scope, you want “trial period” Or “pilot” type language. Unless they get this for free forever? Is support also
Free? If 3 years from now you guys sunset or fundamentally change the product, is it still free? What happens if your free product messes up their business? If it’s at risk, how is success measured? Who has to agree?
I’ve learned all this the hard way ;).
Going to Costa Rica in end October/beg November. 3-4 adults, two kids (1 & 3 y.o.). What would you recommend to see/visit/experience? What should we avoid? It will be the end of rainy season – any tips for lightweight water-repelent jackets? PS, kids are well adjusted to traveling.
I think that you may be there during the sea turtle hatching season. If you are, I would recommend finding a wildlife preserve where you can go watch. I’ve been in southern Nicaragua for the laying of the eggs and it’s pretty incredible to see. Going back during hatching season is on my bucket list. I’m pretty sure they have the same thing in Costa Rica.
In Costa Rica I also really enjoyed Manuel Antonio and Arenal Volcano (and the surrounding hot springs) – it seems like the Pacific side is more scenic and family-friendly, so I stuck to that side when I went. The Caribbean side is more of a party/drugs scene from what I understand. Enjoy your trip!
Same recs for Manuel Antonio (beautiful beaches and I’ll bet your kids would like the monkeys) and the Arenal area (volcanoes and hot springs!).
Omg the monkeys, yes! I did a mangrove tour while in Manuel Antonio, and the monkeys were the best!
Also, I know some people feel obligated to stop in San Jose (the capital) since they’re flying in/out of there – but it isn’t really worth it IMO. Not much to see or do!
Tortugero is the place for laying. So I imagine for hatching, too. There’s cheap tickets for regional flights, but I would suggest taking the boat back from Tortugero to the mainland. We stayed at Casa Marbella on Tortugero and loved it. Bring an gallon of mosquito spray.
I can second the Arenal stuff–Tabacon is a great place for the hot springs. It’s an amazing, super fancy resort experience (totally worth it) but if you ask the locals there’s free hot springs just across the street. It’s just not as incredible.
The cloud forest (Monteverde) is beautiful. I didn’t get to the Pacific coast, so no recommendations. San Jose I didn’t stay very long.
Bus transport is good, if you speak spanish. I would find it difficult and intimidating if I did not.
Have fun!
One of my favorite (lawyer and mom) bloggers did a couple of posts on her trip to Costa Rica with her family. Just look up Lag Liv and Costa Rica and it should come up. She had lots of good information.
Thanks all! Will def check the blog, too.
OK feeling silly but anyone want to weigh in on a dilemma this Friday? Had a date Wednesday, thought it went really well, two drinks, great conversation. End of the evening he gets an Uber, i walk home, hug, big smile, and he says “I had a great time.” Haven’t heard from him since. Do I A) assume he’s not interested and move on or B) message him and say “Wednesday was great- want to meet up again?”
Send the message. If you don’t hear back, that’s your answer.
I would absolutely text him but if you don’t hear back, move on.
(B) and then if he doesn’t respond, delete.
Sure, go ahead and message him! Wait until tomorrow if you’re concerned about the “3 day rule” but honestly that doesn’t seem to be a thing anymore, although maybe he’s following it and that’s why you haven’t heard from him. But if you’re feeling antsy today, I see no reason why you shouldn’t send that text. What’s the worst that could happen?
I would text him once but move on if he doesn’t immediately express interest in getting together again.
It isn’t what they say at the end of the date, it’s what they do afterward. As others have said, try one message but if you don’t get a response, regardless of what happened at the end of the date or what he said, he’s not interested. Move on.
A. He will contact you if he is interested. It has not been that long, and there is still a chance he will.
This. At the beginning, you want to know how into it HE is. You can’t know that if you are the one taking the initiative. Back away from the mobile device :)
Then how is the other person supposed to evaluate the same thing? Playing hard to get is not cute.
It’s not playing a game. The most important thing to know is if he is interested and if he is interested, wild horses couldn’t make him not call (coma, yes, other things, no). You need to know this. You can’t get in your own way.
[Once it is clear he is interested, go ahead and reach out or take the initiative.]
+1. The idea that a woman can’t text a guy after a date until he texts her first seems horribly old-fashioned to me. I understand not wanting to be chasing people who aren’t that into you, but I don’t think a single text is chasing.
I can’t explain it (and I don’t know what lesbians do), but we women as a whole spend so much time pursuing relationships. Sitting back and at least knowing where there is interest at least lets you focus your attention where it might be fruitful.
I mean, we should all be busy doing great things and not waiting for the phone to ring. But it’s Friday. If he wanted to do something this weekend, I think he would have reached out by now. Why? B/c he wants you to go out with him and not make plans with someone else. And then if you text him, you are back where you started (waiting on him), but you feel worse b/c now you reached out and he didn’t. And if it is an ambiguous response, that is even worse. So I say assume that he isn’t interested unless he clearly and unambiguously shows you that he is by asking you out (otherwise, I’ve seen people be like that character on OITNB who was always going to get married . . . it’s a road not to be on if you can help it).
OMG Anonymous, we’re talking about how she should send ONE text message. You’re ridiculous.
I don’t think it’s just one text message — in this situation, it just takes up so much more headspace than that.
The headspaceness of the situation is why I wouldn’t.
“The most important thing to know is if he is interested and if he is interested, wild horses couldn’t make him not call (coma, yes, other things, no). You need to know this. ”
Jesus this is reductive. All men do not come pre-programmed to behave in identical ways. You have not cracked the code. People do not run on algorithms. Please stop.
Anonymous, I see your point about not wasting time, energy, or brainspace on people who aren’t interested in you, which is why a lot of us are saying “yeah, send the text, but then let it go if he doesn’t respond” which I think is a perfectly healthy approach in this day and age. It might actually give OP *more* peace of mind to know the ball is definitely in his court now, rather than wondering where the ball even is right now. We’re encouraging her to send one text, not wait by the phone or obsess or start texting him daily until he finally says “oh my god, go away, I’m seeing someone else, JFC!” (in fact, we’re telling her to do the exact opposite, send it and then move on with her awesome weekend). Someone has to initiate that post-first-date exchange, why does it have to be “the man” in 2019? Being aloof to see who comes running to you doesn’t really work when both people take that same approach.
If you do decide to do B, which I think is a perfectly reasonable option, only do it once. Let him initiate the date after that.
Thanks all! In the absence of a resounding “yes do b” I’m sticking with a and carrying on. At least it was one fun night!
You did get a resounding yes do b . . . ?
I think you did get a pretty resounding consensus to do B, people were just advising not to pursue him further if he doesn’t respond or seem interested after you text. I don’t see what you have to lose by a follow-up text.
Yeah that was a pretty resounding “do b,” which is 100% what I would suggest. Like anon at 12:06 said, trying to play games is not cute.
Dude, if you are interested in someone, say it. Nobody can read your mind and nobody who likes you back is going to be anything but flattered.
+1 It’s such an archaic, stupid idea to think that women shouldn’t be expressing interest. He could be sitting at his desk wondering the exact same thing as OP! And this is a really low risk situation — if OP texts and he never texts back, then oh well! Everybody can move on.
Literally everyone except one person said to do B.
Answer this question: do you want to be dating a guy who doesn’t promptly text a woman he wants to keep seeing to set up the next date (for whatever reason)? If not, then forget about him.
This is absurd. He could say the same thing. “I don’t want to bug her, if she was interested she would reach out”. IT’S SOCIAL CONDITIONING to think the guy has to do it. We can’t work so hard to undo that then get mad when the guys don’t revert to traditional gender roles when we want them to.
I told my fiancé I had feelings for him and initiated everything in the beginning just because I wanted to and was not afraid of being honest with him. I recommend finding a partner who likes strong women who know what they want and speak their mind.
I’m interested in joining my local Junior League chapter and wondering if anyone is a member or can share any stories about the organization. I researched some of the members and I found their bios to be quite intimidating (felt a pang that I am not nearly as smart or accomplished as these women and perhaps I won’t be a good fit). I get the impression that it is similar to a sorority, which I wasn’t a part of when I was in college, but I am desperately trying to meet new people and put myself out there in my city.
I may attend a recruiting event next week and I’m trying to figure out what I should wear. My office is extremely casual so wearing what I would wear to work may not be enough, although I do have quite a few business casual pieces from my last job. It is a social event located at the Virginia Museum of Fine Arts.
Not in JL, but I would wear something like an origami dress and nice jewelry to a museum event. The fact that your own office is business casual isn’t really relevant; the issue is dressing appropriately for the venue.
True, although the event is happy hour time frame on a week day so I’m imagining people will be coming from their offices
…many of whom will not be coming from “extremely casual” offices and most of whom will dress for the office in a way that is appropriate for the event.
So ideally you will find something that works for both the venue and your office (but it sounds like maybe you’ll be a little overdressed for your office). The fact that it’s after work also means that people who wear suits to work will be in suits, which to me is another reason to try to dress up a bit from your normal office dress code.
I would probably wear business casual rather than business formal. Ankle pants, a skirt or dress, maybe even jeans with a blazer. I don’t know anyone who wears suits to work anymore, even among the members I would imagine most people don’t. Even an origami dress seems too formal to me.
I think this is very regional and industry specific.
Signed, dresses and coordinating blazers for life.
I was a member for several years. We moved a few times and it wasn’t as good a fit for me in our new city, so I’m not a member anymore, but I enjoyed my time there. It is very much like a sorority, in good ways and bad (and I say this as someone who had a good sorority experience). Good: Lots of ways for new members to meet each other, get to know the rest of the group, find ways to get involved. If you show commitment to the organization early on you can get leadership roles and sort of chart your own course (that’s how people get those impressive bios). Bad: High-status members, which can be a culture shock if your background is different (mine was/is). Charity work that may not get to the root of the problem (i.e., programs that aim to teach nutrition to underprivileged kids but won’t get into tougher subjects like food deserts). But it is what it is, and I still enjoyed it. I got my radical change fix elsewhere.
You will likely find a range of dress levels, so I would say wear something that makes you feel comfortable and sociable — the point of the event is to get to know the organization and for them to get to know you. Jeans and a blazer or a casual work-appropriate dress are two outfits that come to mind.
I’m in the Charlotte chapter, but honestly haven’t gotten that involved beyond my requirements. I joined specifically for the volunteering aspect. My initial small group was all women a lot younger than me (I joined at 30, mostly of them were out of college) and I wasn’t able to make a lot of the socials since they occurred at 6:00 on week nights and I can’t really leave work until 6:30. I like the women I’ve met in my volunteer groups, but don’t see them outside of that time. For women I know who are more involved and make the effort, they have met great people and really like it. It’s not nearly as many SAHM or SAHW as I was imagining.
Yay — JLC sustainer here. I was a transfer from the lawyer-heavy JLW. I still loved both — I met some truly outstanding women here in CLT and loved being on community-engaged and fundraising committees. Work and eventually young kids was just too much and I went sustainer b/c I had enough years in to do so (most sustainers are decades older than me and seem to be enjoying their best life). I don’t rule out returning as an active member when my kids are older or even grown, perhaps on one of the education-related initiatives (CMS schools are overwhelmed with need and I want this city to be strong; can’t do that if you can’t do 5th grade math).
Would you mind posting about it after you attend? I’m also looking at joining my local chapter, but haven’t really interacted with them yet.
What chapter? I’ve been in two, 20 year membership.
The vibe, who joins, etc. REALLY varies by chapter. JL of ATL is super racially diverse (I’m told the most diverse League in the US), full of professional women, and the admission process is super welcoming (if you don’t have a sponsor they’ll pair you with one). It ultimately wasn’t for me bc I wasn’t happy with the fact that very few people kept volunteering after their first active year (after that they mostly did “in-league placements,” like writing the newsletter or organizing meetings), but I do recommend it to people who are new to my city. JLA is also very active on some pretty cool social/political issues, including prevention of s*x trafficking, generational poverty, and early childhood education.
Conversely, some leagues are notoriously exclusive (JL of Houston and JL of Charleston used to have reputations for being very hard to get into), which generally meant not diverse at all and you had to have an “in”, and many aggressively steer clear of anything that might be controversial, so they’re more active on stuff like historic preservation.
I would argue that “historical preservation” in Charleston is pretty controversial since it’s probably a euphemism for ‘keeping the plantations looking nice for tourists’….
Oh, fully agree that it *should* be controversial, but I think in a lot of places, it’s not (at least not amongst white people).
The JL of Charleston used to be very involved with Middleton Place, which is a plantation museum that has done really good work on recovering and sharing the history of enslaved people (I learned a ton, even though I thought I already knew a lot), but I don’t think that was the work of the JL.
I’m in the JL of Nashville, and it is not really exclusive at all. I actually always get the impression that the women that join for “exclusivity” reasons (old money/private school/etc.) tend to be disappointed when they realize that the majority of the women they’re interacting with are middle-class professionals. 98% of our membership works. The chapter is constantly working on increasing diversity/inclusion and making membership more affordable. Agree with what others have said about the volunteering– teaching kids about healthy eating in a food desert is awkward but promoting public awareness of human trafficking is really interesting. My main complaint with my chapter is that membership turns over a lot- -our main age demographic is probably 27-32, so women frequently move for jobs, have kids, etc. and drop out.
I’m in the New Orleans chapter (which is a very large chapter and pretty diverse). We have a great mix of members – from SAHMs to tons of professional women. I like the work our League does; it focuses a lot on women and children in poverty and they get really good speakers to come in for meetings – such as the first woman president of Loyola University and state senators who are working on domestic violence bills, etc. They also have a whole series on financial literacy where speakers come in and talk about all kinds of different financial things so our members can learn more about how to negotiate deals how to invest money, etc. I would look at all of these factors when considering whether to join.
As for what to wear, our meetings are all over the place on dress code. Some women show up in yoga clothes and others clearly came straight from the office in anything from suits to dresses. I think the assumption is you’re coming from *wherever you were* and didn’t dress for JL specifically. That said, I would do a dress because that’s what I would personally wear to that venue, but I think anything could work.
Following with interest. Any insight on the DC chapter?
I have some friends in the DC league and it’s one of the big ones. My impression is that it is very diverse and professional as an organization. I’m in leadership in my [small town] league and went to a wonderful leadership training conference that brought a lot of leagues together. The president of the DC league spoke and blew me away. She was also a POC.
I have no insight on that JL chapter, but feel free to message me at anonar e t t e at gmail if you want a buddy to go see the Hopper exhibition in October.
For a museum event in Virginia, I’d wear a shift dress or ponte with interesting jewelry. Anything from a Lands End or Talbots shift dress to a more businessy version. Wedge sandals if you wear heels are good for standing a lot. Don’t wear the jewelry to the office if you want to dress it down a bit.
I was in the Memphis chapter. I met some great women, but overall, I felt very out of place. They all knew how to dress and how to makeup and I did not (still don’t, but now don’t really care).
Also, it cost a lot of time and money. I had to buy five copies of the cookbook, pay dues, contribute $X (can’t remember) of clothes to the thrift shop, and then volunteer a ton of hours and go to the meetings. I didn’t have a lot of free time after work and this really wasn’t how I wanted to spend it.
I stayed in a second year only because a friend wanted in and asked me to sponsor her.
Has anyone had success with HIIT workouts? They were all the rage a few years ago, but I haven’t heard much about them recently. I am recovering from a back injury and would like to regain some fitness quickly for the mental boost, but I am not sure what the best approach will be. I also have fairly limited time due to my working hours and commute. I don’t belong to a gym, but I’m right near a pedestrian path that I use for running and biking.
I regularly go to a HIIT bootcamp (Barry’s) and feel that its really boosted my fitness (strength and cardio).
I love HIIT…I run sprints for 2.5 miles….great workout but may be too much if recovering from back injury
Another big fan of HIIT. I just signed up for OTF, mostly because I knew the cardio HIIT part would kick my butt into gear pretty quickly.
I just started going to tabata classes and I really like them, although it’s too early to say what the fitness #gains are going to look like.
Personally I would not hop into HIIT as my first stop after a back injury, especially if you may have lost the core strength to keep your form solid, but YMMV.
I really like HIIT as a way to ease back into exercise after a break. You just have to start with fewer, slower reps with the primary focus on form.
This. Talk to your doctor first about what types of exercises are open to you right now, you don’t want to get injured again. HIIT is still very popular and I think at this point is less of a trend and more just kind of “working out”. It’s essentially circuits, but you do cardio bursts in between strength – it’s really an adjustment to a very well established fitness style. I’ve had the best results on increased all around fitness with HIIT training.
I actually hate running, so my HIIT training involves light weights/body weight maneuvers split with 30s – 1 min. bursts of in place cardio (jumping jacks, mountain climbers, jump rope, etc.). IME it’s the best way to get an intense workout in a short period of time – 30 – 45 minutes at a time is really all you need.
I see the biggest increase in my cardio capacity when I regularly do interval training/HIIT.
What kind exactly?
A couple different options – either tabata using bodyweight or light barbells; or intervals on a cardio machine (15 seconds max effor, 45-60 seconds slower/recovery, adjust as needed, for 10-15 minutes).
Yes, I love my HIIT workouts! Have been going for over three years now regularly. I go to a studio so the exercises are structured in a class setting, but I’ve definitely seen improvement in both my strength and my cardio ability (e.g., I can go at faster speeds on the rowing machine now in the same time than my early days) I would suggest a studio where the instructors watch for form and also where you are not shamed for going at a lower weight or slower if it’s not your day. You’ll be surprised at how instructors differ even at one studio on these points! And I know on some days I’m just not feeling my best self.
I love HIIT. I think that they survived beyond the original craze, but evolved and became part of workouts/programs/sports trainings under different names. For example spinning or cycling aleays had 40/20s, running had fartleks and interval trainings, Les Mills has Grit etc. I was using them as a way to get back to workouts after recovering from back pain, as I found out that doing 20-30mins was less of a mental effort. Your cardio fitness will catch up really soon and then you can mix in longer, endurance trainings. My only regret is that due to my discs, I will probably never be able to run again (without pain) and I can’t do all the weight training exercises I used to do before. But I found new loves, like spinning.
I’m a senior associate in biglaw. I was up for partner last year, didn’t make it, was told that this year should be different and I should “keep acting like [I’m] a partner” whatever that means. At my firm, associates don’t review other associates, as far as I’m aware. We don’t have up/down reviews in any event.
As part of our review process, associates request reviews from partners through a more or less automated system – you pick the names from a drop down, it’s not like you reach out to people individually. Well I just had a number of associates request reviews from me. This has never happened before. I should write the reviews, right? I’m a little afraid to ask a mentor because I don’t want to look… idk… weak? I don’t want to overstep but I don’t want to signal that I think I’m unworthy. There’s no one else at my level I can ask; the next most senior associate solicited a review from me. Help?
If you have the time and don’t mind giving feedback, i would do it.
at our firm, we do have a culture where I have to give feedback to anybody more than 2 years jr to me. we also have upward “feedback” but that’s a wash.
Can you slip it into conversation with a mentor, like “oh, I’m so excited to write Jane’s review – she knocked it out of the park on X matter, and I’m glad I can support her.” Then see what the reaction is.
Another thought…if you weren’t allowed to do it, would your name even be in the drop down menu?!
That was my thought – your name was on the drop-down; they asked; you’ve been told to take on partner-like tasks.
I would do it. At my firm, we can be asked to review a lower level associate as long as we’ve had a supervisory role in their matters. Go for it.
Do it. Just do it. You were told to act like a partner, your name is on the drop-down menu, the associates solicited the reviews. I think this is definitely a case of “better to ask for forgiveness than permission.”
Is this your firm’s way of telling you you’re being promoted?? Either way, I agree you should definitely do it!
Just need to vent: I’m always hesitant to throw around the term “Smug Married,” but there was just a new low with a (now former) friend: her, married at 25, who basically said that my mid/late 30s marriage doesn’t really “count” because I didn’t get married in my 20s.
What the everloving FORK.
(Although I guess it explains why she didn’t bother even sending me a card or congratulating me, despite the fact that I threw her bridal shower, was her MOH, and threw her baby showers. Sigh.)
WTF?!? Wow, you are well rid of her. I’d alsoy feel free to vent to a good friend, call her every name you want to, and then delete her contact information and think of her no more (and feel free to spread that comment around to any mutual friends, what a viper, geez).
That’s horrible. You’re much better off without her.
I so agree. She must be having issues herself to start downplaying it now that you are also married and have a regular guy to get you to orga$m every nite. I think her 20’s marrage is not so hot, and her hubby may even be finding another place to park his weenie–which would explain the hostility you are facing for now having your own full-time dedicated weenie. FOOEY on her!
Yikes. Sounds like her issues go wayyyyyyyyyy beyond smug married. Do not communicate with this person any more.
What??? I have never heard anything like this in my life. And even if she felt that way, who tells another human that their marriage doesn’t count? It sounds like you’re better off without this “friend” in your life.
She sounds awful.
I personally love it when people out themselves as morons, or people without a conscience, or people with no concern for others’ feelings. It’s such a time-saver! I don’t have to spend a lot of time trying to make a relationship work with those people. I can just smile, say “see you later” and block their number. That’s what I recommend you do with this person, who is not your friend.
Ewwww. I am kind of a spiteful biatch, so would at least find a way to drop in all the life that she missed living by being basically a child bride.
You are well rid of that one – she is not your person.
No need to be rude in response. I was a “child bride” by your definition and your implication that I’ve missed out on life as a result is kind of insulting.
OP, what a bizarre comment!
+Same. Married at 24 and don’t feel like I missed out on anything.
OP, your friend is an a-hole but no need to be one in return. Just cut her off and move on. And congrats on your recent nuptials!
Happy for you that you already decided to cut her off, and sad for you that your “friend” would turn out to be such a jerk. No reason to engage even to be mean to her (plus, agree with anon@10:43 that you don’t need to be a jerk, too!).
But congrats, and know that as someone who did legit get married very young (I was 21), I definitely do not and have not judged people for getting married later – the idea is completely bizarre.
“so would at least find a way to drop in all the life that she missed living by being basically a child bride.”
This is unnecessary and outs you as being as shallow, petty and unreasonable as the person OP is talking about. Protip: doubling down on being awful doesn’t make you look better than someone else. It makes you look twice as bad.
This.
For real, my mom married at 23 – it was a little younger than what was normal for that rime and region, but it wasn’t a big deal and certainly not something anyone should judge her for, especially since the marriage has been working out pretty dang well. Turning someone’s judgement back on them and going “Yeah? Well here’s what’s wrong with YOU!” is so petty and counterproductive. Take the high road here.
Yeah that’s pretty off-base and insulting to the millions of women who are ACTUAL child brides. OP, no need to be an assh*le in return. Just stop being “friends.”
I understand the sentiment, because I was (once I got over my shock and “freeze and appease” response) was to say something like – “After your first date with your husband, you had to figure out how to tell his best friend, your also boyfriend, what was going on. After my first date with my husband, we had serious conversations about family, children, career, faith, and finances. Yeah, I guess I should take marriage lessons from you.”
But I managed to hold my tongue. Thanks for letting me vent here, because it’s way better than unloading on her. :)
Ugh, “was tempted to say….”
Need more coffee.
People who get married at 25 have serious discussions about family, children, career, faith, finances, etc. I don’t understand why you don’t think these are issues for people who marry young.
+1. Getting married in your 20s can be amazing and so can getting married in your 30s. A dear relative just got married for the fourth time (twice divorced, once widowed previously) in her late 60s after finally meeting the true love of her life. I’m sure plenty of people judge her for being married multiple times before, but anyone who knows the story and who is open to all kinds of marriages thinks she’s the luckiest woman in the world.
Anon, that’s not what I said and I think you’re being defensive and missing the point.
I’m not being defensive (I got married at 30 so I don’t really have a dog in this fight).
But saying ““After your first date with your husband, you had to figure out how to tell his best friend, your also boyfriend, what was going on. After my first date with my husband, we had serious conversations about family, children, career, faith, and finances. Yeah, I guess I should take marriage lessons from you.” implies that women who marry really young don’t discuss any of these things. I don’t really know how to take that statement except that someone who married young doesn’t have experience navigating those issues.
She literally said in the comment that that information was specific to that person’s situation. Stop looking for reasons to be offended.
Anon at 12:01: another, more natural, reading is that this particular person had a rather drama-ridden and immature start to her relationship, so it’s sort of weird that she’s now being snotty about my marriage.
Anon at 12:21 and Anonome’s comments are correct. Obviously OP wasn’t generalizing to state that all women who have to get married young were dating their SO’s best friend when they got together with SO. — “how to tell his best friend, your also boyfriend, what was going on”
I feel you and sorry this is happening….I fired a friend recently after giving lots of chances….and now very glad that I did. Your friend is toxic and you are better off without her.
What a rude thing to say!
This goes way beyond smug married, that’s just straight up terrible behavior.
She had baby showerS? Plural? What in the world?
You may have showers (plural) for your first baby (friends in your city throw a shower, your hometown friends throw you another shower, etc.). The only people I know who had two showers thrown by the same person were ones who had thought they were done, given all of the old stuff away, and then found themselves pregnant much later on (like had a 9 and 7 year old and then the whoops baby or set of twins).
That is all I need to know.
All my friends have had showers for second babies. It’s A Thing now. I wish it weren’t, but it totally is.
Ugh — I guess bridezilla batchelorette away weekends are the slippery slope that ends at multiple baby showers.
Still: girlfriend out to be ashamed.
Obviously she is deranged and you are well rid of her. Sheesh.
But also? That kind of remark is just so beyond the pale that it wouldn’t occur to me to be insulted — I would just snort with incredulous laughter!
I…I don’t even know how I’d logically respond to that. What does she mean a marriage doesn’t count? It’s literally a marriage. I can’t even fathom what that means. I can see if she had the opinion that a big flashy wedding is a bit much for a late 30s wedding – which even still is not true and rude to say.
But it sounds like she’s just trying to find something to be smug about. When people reach for things that stupid to be smug about, their life generally sucks and she is unhappy so it’s petty but I’d find amusement in her unhappiness as an unpleasant person.
OP here.
Her life is actually in a great place, but… well, now that I think about it, I know a lot of people with objectively amazing lives who are completely convinced that they are suffering in ways you can never understand, and a lot of people who get their butts kicked by life who are just determined to build something wonderful.
Does anyone have any recommendations for design blogs/sites to follow? I’m thinking particularly graphic or package design. I’m not a graphic designer but often need to do graphics stuff for work, and it helps me so much if I can saturate myself with images of good design … plus, I drool over good design, so it’s just fun to look at.
I like https://maraid.co.uk/blog/
Thanks! Some great stuff there.
Since I can’t really say it in real life…. I have been working with a super competent first year on a matter recently and his ability to get the work done and team player attitude is giving me a lady boner.
After the way this week has been going, I would basically sell my soul for staff who are competent at their jobs, so I get it. (at least my junior associates are good. Sadly I have no control or authority over the staff)
ok maybe leave out the lady boner part, but you can and SHOULD say the rest of it — to the first year himself as well as the partner on the project!
The partner is someone i never want to work with ever again and I am actively looking to leave because of him and I don’t want him to torture this first year, so probably not, but otherwise I definitely commend my team to everybody.
Can you give specifics of what you like about his work/attitude? I’m a junior associate and understand what “good” work is, but it would be useful to see what is recognized as knocking it out of the park. Also congrats to him!
not the OP, but a first year once really impressed me by going above and beyond when proofing a transaction document. They were basically checking for defined terms and cross-references, but in doing so, they paid attention to context and privately (so as not to make me possibly look bad to the partner) asked substantive questions to confirm that there wasn’t an internal inconsistency in the document.
why has this been in m0d (and for an hour, at that)?
Other than the “lady boner” line (ick, sorry), why can’t you say it in real life? As a partner, I try to give lots of praise directly to my good associates and to recommend their work to other partners.
Yeah I hate that phrase and also I don’t get turned on by a male (I presume) finally pulling his weight at work.
Something lighthearted and fun for the end of the week-
What’s your star sign? What’s your SO’s sign?
Libra + Libra. We do balance one another out. Conversely, we will talk an issue to DEATH and it drives us crazy if we can’t reach full agreement.
I’m a Libra, he’s an Aries.
libra + virgo. not sure if it applies since i annoyed him and hurt his feelings so we may be dunzo. libras have no feelings so here we are. :(
I’m a Virgo and husband is a Pisces. Just realized that my two nearest and dearest friends are all Pisces as well. Huh.
Libra (me); Sagittarius (him). No idea if that makes us compatible – we are very different people but we usually work it out somehow.
Aries + Leo. Most all of my best friends in life are Leos, so the fact my husband is means that we tend to get along very well. But when we fight, it’s an all out yelling battle (fire signs).
Pisces (me) + Leo (him). We. Love. Drama.
But really, I think we complement each other’s approach to conflict, social events and life in general pretty well. I have a Leo moon and he has a water moon (Cancer, I think), so I think that has more to do with it…if you put stock in this sort of thing.
Gemini (me), Taurus (him). Evidently that makes us not very compatible, but I’d beg to differ.
I’m a Taurus and he’s a Gemini. I don’t know much about it but I know Taurus is supposed to be super stubborn and a little bit bull-headed right? That’s definitely me. My husband is much more laidback.
Cancer (me) + Gemini. Not supposed to work but we do fine. (A lot of my friends are Gemini or another air sign.)
I’m a Capricorn, my SOs have been a Virgo and a Pisces.
My best friend (female) is a Pisces, and her SO is a Capricorn. So it seems like the Capricorn + Pisces pairing works out based on my own anecdata.
Can confirm – am a Pisces married to a Capricorn.
Gemini + Leo.
Everyone (I mean EVERYONE…mom, dad, 4/4 grandparents, even the freaking dog) in my family is a Virgo or a Leo. As soon as he told me his birthday, I knew the writing was on the wall.
Leo (me) & Gemini
I am a Libra and he is a Sagittarius.
We are both Aries. We generally get along fine, but when we do fight it’s bad haha. Been together 16 years.
Libra (me) & Pisces. He’s the first Pisces I’ve dated, and it’s been a great, stable match.
We both have Gemini mothers (their bdays are 2 calendar days apart) and Virgo fathers. There is a lot of understanding between us when it comes to family dynamics and what we grew up with.
Libra (me) and Aries (him). I see the forest, he sees the trees. :) We’re a good team.
Does anyone else experience the worst kind of slump in the period right after (or between) busy seasons? I’m coming off of an incredibly busy season with two weeks of relative normal-ness before another busy period, and I know I should be catching up on all the things but I’m just so dang tired and listless and unmotivated. What are your coping mechanisms for this?
lean into the slump. I give myself a few days to sleep! exercise! selfcare (making cookies? tidying up my house? dancing to music?) and i feel better than dragging myself into work to “work” er, browse the internet.
I agree. Take your time back. Work will always be there. I focus on making sure I’m going to the gym, eating healthy meals and turning off notifications when I’m done working (may not be possible in your field).
I agree. And the bow tie is just too…literal and not very feminine. I think this is truly a love it or hate it blouse. And I hate it.
Any law firm senior associates/counsel types of people here (esp. litigation or bankruptcy) — have you talked to recruiters recently? I’m wondering if anyone has any intel on whether/if LeClairRyan folding has flooded the market with a ton of laterals? Just wondering how much of an impact something like that has — lateral markets are pretty tight anyway and as someone who is looking to maybe make a move out of government, I am wondering if other firms are flooded with resumes or if it won’t be a huge issue in terms of “competition.” I know as of January they had 225-250 attorneys and I imagine people have been leaving all year, but I also assume there’s a critical mass that hasn’t been able to leave and will actually be laid off this month. 21 offices — which I didn’t realize, I thought the firm just played in the NYC to Richmond corridor.
I don’t think 250 attorneys spread across 21 offices will flood any market, especially a major market. You’re getting your britches in a bunch for no reason. Chill out, you’ll get the job you get.
I think if you’re in Richmond, it could be problematic (smaller market, already a bit saturated, with a large LCR presence). If you’re elsewhere, it’s just a blip.
Yes. Every attorney from that firm sent a resume to every other law firm in the country. All midlaw-biglaw sized firms have each received between 225-250 resumes. Above the law had an article about a managing partner who literally drowned in the sea of resumes.
I’m going to a camping-in-a-field type music festival for the first time in a couple of weeks, and am wondering if any of you have any tips for having a great time. I did a lot of camping as a Girl Guide but haven’t done a lot since then. I think I’m mostly sorted on kit, but if there’s anything you suggest that I may not have thought of, I’m all ears!
TIA!
Do not go camping without a tarp to put under your tent in case of rain.
Baby wipes resolve a multitude of issues when camping. Also, I always bring a couple of those charcoal handwarmers in case it unexpectedly gets chilly (unless it’s summer in the SEUS).
Bring ear plugs for sleeping!
And an eye mask.
If you are bringing a camping cooker, a stovetop espresso maker will bring the right amount of luxury to start off your day well. Bring extra coffee because you will make friends!
Last time I went, there was a big headliner that I had no interest in, so I went to shower at that time and it was great.
If you have the money (and sleeping is a priority) I’d look into a sleeping mat of some kind. The blow-up sleeping pads from REI are awesome- I think having something under your sleeping bag makes all the difference as an adult.
Lol this is a must, not an optional, nice-to-have thing…
Seriously!
COTS in the summer if it is the SEUS b/c it keeps you a bit cooler. Then just bring sheets and a pillow. I camped in the SEUS outside in July and was only chilly once overnight.
Ditto tarp under tent.
If you can get a car close to your camping site: foldable camp chair.
I literally just got home to find the parcel containing my self inflating sleeping mat! Things have definitely moved on since the roll mat I had as a kid.
When I realized that an air mattress was an option, I went from “camping is not for me” to “when can we go camping again!?!” (We car camp. But also, we have a kid and I don’t like to be uncomfortable, so.)
Check out Wardrobe Oxygen – lots of posts there about what to bring to music festivals.
You said you already have kit, but this is what i’ve used for successful field camping for the last 5 years:
A folding table (Coleman makes one that folds into a bag like camping chairs) makes food prep/drink pouring way easier
A bigger tent than you think you need + air bed. If it’s cold, I put down a mylar survival blanket under the tent to reflect heat upward. On the airbed, a heavy sleeping bag + bottom sheet + sheets/blankets or sleeping bag on top keep it from getting clammy and damp.
Some sort of groundcover/rug/sheet for outside your tent will keep you from tracking in dirt and make your site nicer to hang out in.
A sunshade of some sort for your site, especially if there are no trees. Some people bring screen tents; we camped in the treeline and hung a sarong from a tree.
Solar lights make it way nicer to find your way back in the dark.
Have fun!
I’m getting there by train so lots of the bulky nice-to-haves are out of the question, unfortunately. I have a generous 2-person tent which for just me will be luxurious!
It’s a forested site so shade shouldn’t be a problem, luckily!
Is it in the UK? If so take wellies! And all the handsanitizer you can get your hands on. If it’s portaloos then take something to rub under your nose for the smell and a crossbody bag or bag holding person. I’d also try watch for when they clean the loos in the campsite or be first into the festival in the morning for a clean one. Can you tell I had a bad experience with this?!
Yep, UK. Noted on the vat of hand sanitiser. I actually wasn’t going to take wellies, but was planning to wear a pair of old worn out running shoes and then bin them on the way home. I don’t own wellies already and they’re a pain to carry! I may live to regret this…..
I was just about to suggest Vicks for under the nose! It really helps with the toilet situation. I’ve also found toilet wipes, in small packets, to be more useful than toilet roll.
I wear walking boots, instead of wellies, and find them much more comfortable… I wore Converse the first time, and regretted it!
A collapsible water container is useful. Also a good raincoat! Not as functional, but glitter, because it’s a festival :)
I switched practice areas and firm size three years ago. It was a rocky transition, but they and I discussed it and I was supposed to be coming in at a very “junior” level, except in areas where I shine (appellate–I have a several federal arguments under my belt).
Even with us being on the same page, I got very little feedback or information about work. I figured it out, eventually, but at the beginning they did not communicate expectations, despite my asking/attempting to figure it out from filed documents/etc. As I said, new practice area, and a lot of substantive law to catch up on. It was a rocky start.
But my experience here has been HORRIBLE lately. My brother had two suicide attempts last year (and was institutionalized for 3 months), so I know that it really affected my work. My boss (Dad Boss) knew, but in December I was put on a performance plan. That’s ok, they gave me a year with quarterly reviews. I was looking forward to it, so we could have some honest dialogue.
I’ve been working so hard, and going into my last review I was really proud of my work. My mentor (he offered in April and I accepted) has been really impressed, I got positive feedback from the partner I consider to be the “smartest,” (Smart Partner) etc.
Well in my performance review the primary feedback I got from “Gucci Partner” was “everyone was super disappointed by last work product.” I was shocked and asked for more information, but Gucci Partner hadn’t read it. After he went on fact-finding mission the result was “Colleague A said it was bad, and he’s really nice, so it must have been bad.” Colleague A is my peer, and I did not accept all of his feedback when we reviewed the filing (we’re on the case together), but we discussed why and Mentor and I thought all was justified/ok.
Last week I had a document to serve on OC. I discussed with colleague, made final edits, and it was ready to send. I double checked the calendar, and completely confused our deadline with OCs. I sent it out the next day (I admitted, apologized, and corrected as soon as my mistake was realized).
When I talked to Dad Boss about stuff yesterday, the refrain was “you missed that thing, so you still suck.” I asked what about 7 months of good to great work? He said it didn’t really matter. I said “What about sending me on 15 depos in the last quarter or 2018, and two appellate arguments?” He said anyone could do that.
Despite seven months of what my mentor, Smart Partner, and I think is good to great work, I’m here. Mentor says he’d consider me a seventh year in our practice area. I’m thinking of myself as a third or fourth year. They’re paying me between third/fourth year, but seem to think my value is first year. I’m trying to be honest with myself, but at this point I don’t think it’s about me. I’m looking for a new job, but I don’t want to go there and “screw it up.” So I need to figure this out. Any thoughts? Is it me? Is it them? Reassurance that I’m not a piece of crap?
find a new job.
I don’t think there is anything to figure out. This situation is not salvageable and you need to work on salvaging your self-esteem (of course you’re not a piece of crap! you are a human being!) and getting the heck out of there.
Also, I know people recommend this all the time but with everything that is going on in your personal and professional life, a few sessions with a therapist might be very helpful.
Hugs. This is hard but you will get through it!
I didn’t follow all of that, but TBH you need to move on. IME when law firms put anyone on a performance plan, they have already decided that you aren’t for them and you WILL be leaving one way or another. I have never actually seen anyone work their way out of a performance plan. And yes it’s standard law firm behavior to pick on 1 mistake while saying the other 3000 hrs you worked, the 50 depos you took, and 25 briefs you wrote were NBD. They are showing you who they are — believe them and start looking to move on. Law firms also tend not to care what your problems are — to them needing to regroup bc of your brother’s health = you’re lazy — it’s all the same.
I’m so sorry to be the bearer of bad news, but in a law firm a performance improvement plan is always always a signal you should be job hunting immediately with your full attention. They do not want you to work there. That was their way of giving you time to get out.
I think a PIP is pretty much always a sign you should be full-on job hunting. It’s not unique to law firms.
They are gaslighting you in order to create a paper trail to fire you. Your work product is probably fine. I’d throw efforts into finding a new job and list the partners who actually fell positively about your work as references.
Unfortunately, I think this is the case.
I don’t know if it’s exactly gaslighting. Having one partner or mentor who feels differently about your work is not unusual, but that’s not enough generally to get you over the hump if someone else or management has decided your not cutting it. But yes, a PIP is a sign you should job hunt. And the first step before termination.
You’re not a piece of crap. I think it’s a combination of you and them, and definitely sounds like you’re getting some serious mixed messages (not uncommon in law firms though). Even to the extent they’re right about your performance, be kind to yourself – everybody makes mistakes and you had some really tough circumstances this past year. Start over fresh somewhere else. In the future, if you have family issues take FMLA leave and don’t try to keep working when you’re not at your best.
There’s a lot to unpack here. First, I would say that sometimes work impressions are hard to overcome later. So if you had a hard time, or there’s whispers about your work product, it may be hard to overcome that reputation, whether it’s merited or not. Second, lots of lawyers are terrible managers, not good with feedback and possibly even guilty of saying the opposite of what they feel due to firm politics. So all of the feedback you’re asking for–could be that they’re just not capable of giving honest feedback (good or bad) because someone has already decided they don’t like you.
But think about this in a different light–if they didn’t think you were competent, they wouldn’t be trusting you with as much work as you’re on. What you need to do with that information is to take that to bolster your own internal confidence, and GTFO. Really. Anytime you’re on a performance plan…anywhere, that’s a strong sign that you’re not doing what is expected, and it’s unlikely that you’re going to meet expectations even if you move heaven and earth.
Stop trying to interpret where you are. Start expending energy on your jobsearch. That is what you need to focus on. You have skills. You’ve done impressive things! Package those things up and GTFO. You got this!
Anyone have experience with Rag and Bone blazers? Do they work for muscular shoulders and full bust, or should I just stay away?
Piggy backing on this question – any recommendations for blazers that work well for that body type? I was already busty and since I started power lifting, everything seems super strained at the shoulders.
I am very broad shouldered but normal bust (C cup-ish), so YMMV. I have found that Brooks Brothers classic cut blazers work well for me (make sure it’s the classic cut and not “tailored” or slim fit).
It’s been a long time since I tried on a Rag and Bone blazer, but I seem to remember finding them very slim fitting and not great for my giant shoulders.
I wear the MMLF jardigan for my blazer needs because it fits my giant shoulders with no tailoring
Broad shoulders here — rower and swimmer. My most flattering blazers are Veronica Beard. They are pricey but very flattering. I have the solid colors not the more fashion forward ones.
Holy crap those are expensive. They look amazing though!
OP here – typically I’ve found akris Punto, boss, and Elie tahari to work best. eBay and realreal are my friends here, although I celebrated my last promotion by getting a new akris punto suit from saks.
Some of the other brands listed here work for shoulders, but not the bust (36ddd). The chest part of mm lafleur jardigans end up sitting to the side of my chest,
Looking forward to trying Veronica beard.
Late to the party here, but they work for broad shoulders. Can’t speak to the other part.
Does anyone have a movie rec for me and DH that’s available on Netflix?
Can you narrow down your interests a bit? What are you looking for?
“Always Be My Maybe” is a fun and modern rom-com. Highly reccomend
recommend*
Yes! I reactivated my Netflix subscription just to watch this and was not disappointed.
I wanted to see it just for Keanu Reeves’ cameo. Alas, it was in theatres for only a week, I guess to qualify for the Oscars. I hope it’s released in some other formats (for those of us with basic cable and a DVD player).
I had no idea it was in theaters at all!
That cameo is the best. I think the Keanu part was my favorite part of the movie, they did such a great job setting up the situation.
Because it was a Netflix movie . . .
Yeah DH and I really enjoyed it.
Agreed. It was adorable!
The Jennifer Aniston and Adam Sandler one is surprisingly cute.
What new fall trends are you looking forward to? I’m generally not very trendy but I want to freshen up my fall wardrobe a bit and am looking for some new ideas.
Following…I’m also wondering what are the fall trends? I went down the YouTube rabbit hole and checked out sites online and the general consensus is that animal print, and dark florals and black lace, square necks, and puff sleeves,is all a trend, but this info only somewhat helps me shop as not all those items are in stores I shop at.
I can get behind dark florals and black lace, and square necks, and gently puffed sleeves, but I’m not into animal print. It feels as though every shape of pant or jean is somewhat ‘in.’ What I see in stores look pretty standard from last year, and it seems as though the in the last fifteen years ‘trends’ stick around longer, and everything goes, which is a good thing.
Sigh… I’m likely going to end up searching for a taupe or mushroom coloured open cardigan and blue one to replace worn out ones, and buy a few sales items at br gap,on, tjmaxx, and Anthropologie, and call it a day. I miss the days 30 years ago when my mom would take my sister and I back to school shopping and buy us the ‘trends’ – plus she had and still has an amazing eye for style, so she gives trends her own spin. Sorry for the rant!
Camel with white, reptile print shoes and fun plaids. But I have what I need to get through the season, so trying not to get caught up in any marathon shops.
Funny, I really like it. I mostly wear black and white so I love clothes in those colors that have other interesting textural details.
recommend*
Any recommendations on what to bring home or shop for from Paris? I was thinking some chocolates for coworkers, but open to suggestions on worthwhile splurges or cool/unique things to pick up.
Macarons.
Someone might like skincare. Brands like Caudalie, Biotherma, Avene and La Roche Posay are basic drugstore brands in France. (Or Nuxe, if you enjoy the smell.)
Les 2 Marmottes tea! Except for me, not your coworkers :)
Elizabeth,
I like it, but for $49, is it really Fruegel, especially if it needs Dry Cleaneing? I will go to Uniglo to buy something colorful today that will properly cover all of my top in the office, and will NOT pay more then $25. That, my freinds, is fruegel!
I’m looking for a gift idea. Our childcare provider just received her citizenship yesterday. I’m hoping to give her something around 50 dollars. Any ideas? Thanks!
National parks membership? If she’s outdoorsy.
Maybe a restaurant gift card so that she can go out to celebrate.
Hmm we baked my dad a cake when he got his citizenship, so my mind goes to food too. Restaurant gift card would be really nice, I think. Or if you have a local wine bar type place? Somewhere a little fancy and celebratory.
Non-obvious movie recommendations to watch with a 4 yo? No Disney. Preferably not animated, leaning SciFi. So far we really enjoyed The Fifth Element, Back to the Future, and Short Circuit as well as a few cheesier 80s SciFi flicks. I don’t really want to rewatch the classics like Bill & Ted’s excellent adventure, ET, Ghostbusters but these would all work. Some violence OK, prefer no blood. TIA!
Is Star Wars too obvious? I feel like friends have shown their kids those movies around that age. (DH is trying to convince me our TWO year old can see Episode IX in the theaters with him this winter which is just…no.)
Yeah, we binged on that during the baby stage (you know when you hope they don’t die and watch Netflix all night) and still not ready to rewatch. Ha! That’s going to be a challenge. I would recommend ear muffs if you do go but honestly it’s going to be worse than a plane flight – wait a year, don’t do this to yourself.
Yeah, it’s not happening. I don’t care if he wants to ruin his own experience but I don’t think it’s an appropriate thing to do to other movie theater patrons. It’s not like he can’t watch these movies with her when she’s a year or two older.
What about The Last Starfighter, Flight of the Navigator, or Escape to Witch Mountain? Or Labyrinth?
Wow, yes! Thank you so much!!
Oh, I forget about Flight of the Navigator. Swiss Family Robinson was a big hit. Technically Disney, but a fun adventure. Same with the Witch Mountain movies. The original Parent Trap is good too.
Singin’ In the Rain was my kids’ favorite when they were little. And we all still love to watch it. Other old musicals will work too. Gene Kelly and Fred Astaire never get boring.
Princess Bride
I might have been a little older (6?7?) when I loved Never Ending Story. And The Last Unicorn, although it scared me pretty badly. Also, I would recommend the Land Before Time series, but that is animated. (I s’pose TL Unicorn is too, but it seems more like artwork than typical animation.)
Since folks frequently ask for Netflix series recos, I have to recommend The Letdown. It’s like Australian Working Moms.
I watched a couple episodes (while on mat leave) and couldn’t get into it. It was kind of cringe-y in my opinion. A lot of my mom friends like it though, so I think I’m in the minority.
Same.
I love that show and I’m not even a mom. It’s hilarious and really moving.
Another Netflix rec: I just started Friends from College and think it’s really funny so far (it got bad reviews though, fwiw). It’s a little bit of a darker comedy (like Divorce on HBO but not focused on divorce) and some of the main characters are truly awful people, but I think it’s hilarious.
I really liked it too!
Schitt’s Creek is hilarious for the over the top but soooo well played characters. Eugene Levy being a main character doesn’t hurt.
I love Schitts Creek so much! Moira is amazing but I adore everyone in the Rose family. It’s one of the only shows I wanted to rewatch immediately when I ran out of episodes on Netflix.
I am over 10 years into recovery from eating disorder with a binge/purge cycle (official diagnosis eating disorder not otherwise specified). Symptoms flare up from time to time during periods of stress, but generally they are well managed. The issue is, I am in a newer relationship with someone who consistently eats significantly more than standard dietary guidelines. More importantly, his intake is significantly higher than the personal serving guidelines set by my dietician for me, and even accounting for our difference in height/gender. Following my meal plan has been an effective way for me to avoid returning to calorie counting while also avoiding both the hunger and over-satiety that for me can trigger the binge/purge cycle. However, when we eat together, my new partner typically eats 2-3 times the amount that I do and I find myself extremely triggered. Sticking to my meal plan suddenly feels like deprivation. On the one hand, it is his body and I never want to be someone else’s food police. On the other hand, I find that after eating together, I feel anxious and wanting to eat the amount of food I’ve just seen him eat, and then obsessing over binging, which then leads to purging. He is very sensitive about talking about this, as someone who is obese and lives in a world that can be cruel to obese people. I want to figure out how to work with this in a way that fully respects his autonomy and emotional needs while also setting appropriate boundaries for my own recovery. Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? What did you do? Any advice?
I can’t imagine what you’ve been through, and I admire your recovery so much. That said, this is about you, not him. If you really want to continue with him, lean on your recovery support providers (therapist, dietitian, etc.) to come up with ways to cope, if possible. But, as you said, you can can’t police this. It’s just not realistic to have a long-term life with someone where he can’t eat in his own way in front of you.
Agreed on all fronts. You sound like you’ve done a lot of really great work on healing and learning how to stay on top of this. I would go back to the sources you learned from (or find new ones, if needed) to figure out how to handle this hump.
I agree with this. Are you in therapy? Can you limit eating together while you work on this issue? If not I think your main option is to put a pin in this relationship. You need to prioritize your own health.
I’m sorry. Eating disorders are tough (I had one until I went through treatment in college, but still monitor myself for relapse) and in some ways are similar to addiction (although more difficult because you have to eat and food is a big part of socializing). Just like most alcoholics can’t be in a relationship with a binge drinker, if your SO is triggering your eating disorder, I don’t see it working out. However a therapist can work with you and help you explore options and then you can decide if it’s a possibility.