This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
A classic-looking tweed jacket is always a good addition to a professional wardrobe. I like the length of this light pink blazer — for some reason, a lot of these tweed jackets are cropped, making them tricky to wear with pants. The combination of light pink and tweed can look a but stuffy if you’re not careful, so I would style this with something a little more modern-looking, like a slim ankle pant.
The jacket is $468 and available in sizes XS–XL. Tweed Jacket with Trim Detail
A more affordable option is from Anne Klein; a plus-size alternative is at Eloquii.
This post contains affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. For more details see here. Thank you so much for your support!
Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Anon
I love Chanel style jackets like this but they’re often a cropped length, which is the wrong proportion for me. I love this slightly longer length. Wish it were in the budget!
Ellen
Yay Elizabeth! Great pick for a Monday! I have a similar Anne Klein jacked in Navy Blue, which Nordstrom stock’s and it looks great for people with long, straight blond hair like me. The manageing partner said I should wear this jacket the next time we eat with the judge, which I think will be around President’s day.
I was very sad to learn about Kobi Bryant and the others on the helicopter crash. How could they be flying when the LAPD could not even fly their helocopters? This will have to be investigated by the FAA. I hope we all value the time we have here on Earth, as these things happen to almost anyone. Also, the Coronavirus is out there and we must protect ourself with masks when we go out in public. Finaly, wWe need to find good, normal men to couple with ASAP b/c we are not getting any younger. I wish all the best to Kobe’s family and others who lost their loved ones in this senseless crash. TRIPEL FOOEY!
Icelandair stopover - worth it?
Good morning!
Has anyone taken advantage of Icelandair’s “free” stopover traveling from the U.S. to Europe? How was that?
We’re looking at going to Berlin over spring break. Icelandair would have us going in and out of Keflavik airport.
Thanks for your advice!
Anon
How long would you layover? Iceland is gorgeous but most of the scenery is not that close to Reykjavik so you’ll need at least a few days to get out and see the country and make the stopover worth it, imo. The Blue Lagoon is the only thing you could do on a short layover. (Also note that when this was introduced in the middle of the 20th century it was an amazing deal, but now pretty much all airlines allow you to book multi-city routes at no additional charge, so you can really stopover anywhere you like in the same general region. There’s nothing special about Icelandair or the Iceland stopover anymore.)
OP
Thank you – this is helpful re: Blue Lagoon. Probably wouldn’t be able to stop more than a day. I haven’t looked into whatever attractions may be in Reykjavik itself, yet. Thanks for taking your time to reply!
anon
Just came back from Berlin with Icelandair, and noticed that you can get up to five days layover. I’m definitely interested in that for next time.
I’ve been happy overall with the airline, no frills but extra legroom seats are more affordable. I prefer to bring my own food over airplane food anyway. The one thing that’s excellent is the airport, which is so well run that a 50 minute transit with US pre-immigration check leaves enough time to grab coffee in the terminal.
Anonymous
Iceland is basically my favorite place on earth, I can’t recommend it enough. A couple of thoughts on a stopover:
– Day 1 is basically a wash. If you’re flying from the east coast, the flight to Keflavik is only like 5 hours and you get in at 6 am. Even if you’re a good plane sleeper, you’re still missing a night’s sleep. I’d go to the Viking museum (they used to have an early morning breakfast – not sure if they still do) and to the Blue Lagoon. If you’re staying overnight, the Blue Lagoon has a couple of very nice hotels. I stayed at Silica before the new hotel opened; the new one has a very fancy spa that looks amazing. If that’s your thing and it’s in the budget, that might be a nice way to start your vacation.
– I’d recommend staying at least 2 nights/3 days. Day 1 to recuperate/spa day. Day 2 to do the Golden Circle. Day 3 to fly out again. You might want to rent a car.
– That said, this plan involves a lot of time lost to logistics. What do you want to do in Berlin? How long are you there? I’d do this for a ~10 day trip, but I’m not sure I’d do it for a week.
Anon
No comments on the layover but I like that airline. It’s been comfortable with easy connections for years.
Cb
No feedback on Iceland but Berlin is amazing! We went last Easter on the basis of a recommendation here and found it really fun, accessible, and kid friendly.
Anon
We did the stopover on our way back home from Europe two years ago, so jetlag wasn’t a problem for us. We had just spent a week hiking through northern Scotland, which was so majestic, so for us, Iceland was just sorta fine. Don’t get me wrong – the people were super friendly, their food was delicious, but two days was enough time for us. Whenever friends say they could spend weeks there, I’m always a bit baffled – the place is TINY. But then again, I’m sure others would say they’d be bored hiking through northern Scotland for a week :)
We were there for maybe 30 hours? We got a rental car from the airport and quickly hit the blue lagoons since they’re right nearby. We had dinner downtown at a “traditional” Icelandic restaurant (warning: food is shocking expensive – dinner for two was $250 if I remember correctly – delicious but so expensive) and strolled their main street boutiques, then hit the cathedral for a organ concert. The next day we spent hours driving around Thingvellir national park, visiting the geysers and Gullfoss falls, then back to the airport.
We stayed at a B&B/hotel type place that used to be barracks for the American military base that was there. If you have any ties to the military, you’ll have flashbacks when you see the bathrooms :) But it was cheap and breakfast was tasty and we were only in our room for like 6 hours so we didn’t really care.
The stopover really was easy with IcelandAir, and I’d definitely do it if you’ve never been before.
Anonymous
People who spend weeks there go outside of Reykjavik! The Ring Road is over 800 miles all the way around, and that doesn’t even take you to the Snaefellsnes peninsula or up to westfjords.
Anon
I did this years ago. I did a 5 day stopover in Iceland and it was amazing! I totally recommend it and it saves so much money.
OP
Thank you all SO much! Such amazing information here — you all are THE BEST! Resolving to give back to this forum.
Seventh Sister
We did the 36-hour-ish stopover and went with two kids to Reykjavík. It was SUPER, super fun, we’re pretty boring tourists who like museums and churches and just walking around. It was wonderful.
The original Scarlett
I’ll be a tad contrarian here, but unless I was stopping in Iceland for sure, I would not take Iceland Air again. Just went through Reykjavík last fall going to Paris and the airport was a nightmare – sooooo many people, overcrowded beyond anything I’ve seen, and made a tight connection a miracle we made our plane. I’d deal with it if Iceland was part of my plan, otherwise I’d go through a different airport or direct.
Seventh Sister
KEF didn’t really bother me, but then again my home airport is LAX. Anytime I’m not actively being insulted by airport staff or forced to sit on the floor of a filthy, ancient terminal, I view it as a win. We did have some kind of ridiculous security interlude at KEF where both adults were pulled into a room for additional screening, but the staff seemed pretty embarrassed and let the kids (7 & 10) come with us.
anonshmanon
We had that same interlude, without kids. It made me a bit nervous, but in hindsight, I am amazed that I still easily made my connection, given that there was only an hour transit. I also know that, like so many other slightly tedious measures, this additional screening (they went through my hand luggage carefully) is a thing imposed by the US when you board a plane there. Also that you get interrogated at check in about who packed your bag, and again at any transit, that you take off your shoes in the security check and countless other things, is a US thing. Lots of other countries manage just fine with more sane security measures. This turned into a rant, oi.
The original Scarlett
Lol, and I will go out of my way to avoid LAX!! #teamburbank
Seventh Sister
I love Burbank, I just live so close to LAX it’s hard to justify the drive time.
Anon124
I’m on the job search and I just got the name of a company from the director of the research institute I work at. At the moment there are no vacancies listed on the company’s website. I am planning on contacting someone at the company nonetheless to express an interest in working there should something come up–there is space on their website for unsolicited applications. I know one needs to sell themselves in a cover letter but in this case there’s no job advertised–I have only ever written cover letters for jobs where there is a vacancy. Does anyone have tips on writing an unsolicited motivation letter? Thanks in advance
Pompom
Do the initial outreach/connection through a human being first, not through unsolicited application portal. That will allow you to gather intel about their needs, challenges, culture, etc., so that when/if it becomes necessary to apply through the unsolicited app portal, you’re at least talking about things that could make sense to their needs.
Anon124
OP here: When you say “Do the initial outreach/connection through a human being first….” do you mean like say an informational interview? The website lists the company founders, junior and senior consultants, and the Human resource person. In the first instance I had thought of sending my unsolicited application to the HR person or one of the founders.
My contract ends mid-May so I also feel like I should take chances now instead of waiting till the end.
Pompom
Yes, do the info interview thing. If you can source other more appropriate contacts via LinkedIn or your current company’s contacts, do that.
AFT
Can you ask the person who gave you the name of the company who they would recommend you connect with? I think it’s much easier to make the connection if it’s “President Joe suggested I connect with you.”
Nelly Yuki
Recommendations for a wireless bra and/or maternity bra for larger sizes? I am regularly a 36DDD, but probably a little bigger now due to being 8 weeks pregnant.
Anon
https://www.macys.com/shop/product/bravado-designs-body-silk-seamless-full-cup-nursing-bra?ID=9927477
CHS
It is not pretty but I transitioned to wearing the Simply Perfect by Warner’s Seamless Wireless Bra from Target right around the same point in my pregnancy as you due to increased sensitivity, and it’s super comfy. More support than a Coobie, but not as much as a regular bra.
Anon2
Try the brand Anita for wireless. If you’re 8 wks, don’t bother with a maternity bra. During both my pregnancies, I had to buy 2 new bras every 8-12 weeks (1 nude for me, 1 black). My sizing for nursing bras was different from my sizing for pregnancy. I’m small band, but larger — 30DD up to 32G in last couple months of pregnancy, to 32H or I during engorgement. It’s amazing just how big they get… My own personal preference was for underwires due to my own perception of better support, for both pregnancy and nursing. I like Freya, Panache and Fantasie. Anita was great for nursing bras too.
Anon
Motherhood Maternity full busted bra. The medium fits my 34F nursing size very comfortably.
Recruiter Q
A legal recruiter has called me twice saying “we are working on a retained search for a firm in your city where people in your city think highly of your work and wanted to discuss possibilities.” I am thinking that if people in my city think highly of my work, why don’t they just pick up the phone and call? Why put a recruiter (and their fee) in the mix where there is some relationship? I don’t know the firm,but am counsel-level (so: pricey recruiter fee) and in a bit of a niche, so I could guess just based on the small # of firms that are in this area.
Or are they just bluffing a bit to get me to call them back?
Anon
I think it’s probably a bit of a bluff – I used to get recruiter calls saying that when I was a second-year associate (so no one with any sort of hiring authority would have heard my name).
Anon
+1. Multiple junior associates in vastly different have gotten the same line on linkedin, firm email, etc. from recruiters, suggesting it was mass emailed.
Anon
+1. I used to get a lot of recruiters saying that, which was just not possible because opposing counsel on none of my cases were local and I was a junior and mid-level in biglaw who had no visibility to outside the firm. As a counsel, it’s possible it’s true but I’m doubtful given my experience that so many recruiters will lie.
Anonymous
Do you want to move or not? Just call the recruiter if you’re even slightly interested. You’re way way overthinking this.
Anon
Probably bluffing, but depending on the size of your city, the firm may not want to call directly because they don’t want potential candidates (or current employees) to know they are hiring. This is sometimes the case in my relatively small town.
anon
+1 and I’m in a large city. Our practice area know the firms and attorneys in our area and some stuff is kept closer to the chest for a while.
rosie
Agree w/the above that they’re probably bluffing, but you’re overthinking. Plenty of reasons why someone you know professionally wouldn’t approach you directly about a job.
anon
+1 it’s probably a bluff but I did get my current job this way (recruiter reached out based on someone “wanting to meet with me”).
Anonymous
Like what? IMO firms are so cheap that saving recruited fees seems to not lightly dismissed.
Anonymous
Some firms don’t want the reputation of poaching, or biased hiring practices, or don’t want candidates to feel more entitled to a job offer because they were approached personally by the firm.
AFT
I’ve seen it both as bluff, but sometimes it’s your opposing counsel (in a past case typically) and it may be a little weird to reach out directly.
Anonymous
Wouldn’t the weirdness just continue? If the relationship is the issue, it doesn’t go away.
AFT
So, I knew the person recruited in that situation and it wasn’t weird later – obvs all approiate conflicts/confidentiality processes were followed, but it turned into a “haha, remember when we were against each other on that case thing?” later. I think some people may feel weird directly recruiting someone known only through an adversarial relationship – whether that’s right or wrong.
LaurenB
I think you’re overthinking the phrase. I suspect it’s just a social nicety. I am working on Project X, and Person A recommended that I call Person B (and in this case Person B doesn’t know who I am from Adam, and has no incentive to necessarily want / need to talk to me) and so when I contacted Person B I said “Person A spoke so highly of your work; you must be the XXX Whisperer!” He didn’t really, but it’s a bit of a social lubricant to warm up Person B to want to help me. I suspect “people in your city think highly of your work” is the same general thing.
Anon
For those of you who are married/partnered, is it unusual for your partner to be willing to call the doctor for you when you are unable? I just had a weird conversation with two friends on a group text. Friend A is sick with a bad sore throat and didn’t feel like talking on the phone with the doctor. When I asked if her husband could call for her, she said “no he’d hate talking on the phone” and when I expressed surprise, Friend B chimed in to say that her husband is the same and that my husband is the unusual one for being willing to do such a thing. Neither thought it was weird or unusual for Friend A’s husband to neither call the doctor when asked nor take the initiative to. Maybe I’m missing some nuance that comes from a true conversation, but…is this common? I need a sanity check. Friend B is pregnant and I can only imagine which one of them will handle doing all the calls related to child care and child health in the future.
Cb
That’s ridiculous. You’re definitely the normal one here. My very kind husband does all my most hated tasks – going to the post office, calling to make appointments, and matching socks – but I would definitely call on his behalf if he needed me to / call to arrange things for our child.
Anon
Eh, it’s a big leap to say he won’t do this stuff for their kid because he won’t do it for her. For one, a doctor can freely talk to a parent about the medical records of a child under 18. A doctor can’t generally communicate about medical records with the spouse of an adult patient because of HIPAA, so that strikes me as a very good practical reason to not have your spouse call your doctor for you. As another reason, we talk ALL THE TIME here about not doing emotional labor for men, and I don’t know why it’s any less true with the genders reversed, but obviously all parents do emotional labor for their kids.
To answer your question, my husband and I handle our own medical stuff and share in our kids’ medical stuff very equally. If I begged him to call the doctor for me, I guess he would, but I’d find it incredibly weird to have my husband call the doctor simply because I had a sore throat. And I would give him major sideye if he asked me to call the doctor for him in this instance. You’re an adult bro, do it yourself. (Obviously a serious illness where the ill person is incapacitated is very different.)
Anon
This isn’t really emotional labor – this is relying on your spouse for specific help in a specific instance. Emotional labor would be requiring your spouse to book your routine physical every year, not helping you when you’re too sick to call yourself.
Anon
I disagree. I think asking your spouse for help with basic adult tasks falls under the emotional labor umbrella and calling the doctor when you’re sick is such a task. She didn’t say her friend was “too sick” to call. She said she has a sore throat and “didn’t feel like talking on the phone.” Adults have to suck it up and do things they don’t want to do, and I would definitely not take tasks off my husband’s plate because he “didn’t feel like” doing them.
Anon
Yes, adults have to suck it up and do things they don’t want to do – like calling to make an appointment for your spouse. Maybe you’ve been lucky enough to never have a severe sore throat.
Anon
Nah, I’ve had strep several times, I know that sore throats can be painful. I’m really glad my husband is not a manchild and can make his own doctor’s appointments, but you do you.
Anonymous
Usually the issue in my household is that the sick person has lost their voice and can’t be clearly heard and understood over the phone, but it’s also happened that the sick person is delirious from fever and not entirely making sense. It probably helps that we have the same PCP, but I’ve definitely called the nursing line and urgent care for my husband before. To me it seems kind of sociopathic not to help out a sick person in such a small way.
Anon
I agree. It’s such a small thing to call someone’s PCP when they’re sick – it seems cruel to keep score on emotional labor and to refuse for the sake of being “right” for something so trivial. Can’t imagine that in my house frankly.
Anon
Anon at 10:18, delirious with fever is totally different. To me, there’s a huge difference between calling because your spouse “can’t” (feverish and can barely get out of bed or, say, vomiting and has to stay near a toilet) and calling because they “don’t feel like it.” OP definitely framed her question as the latter – she used those exact words. I understand the desire to help a sick spouse who really isn’t a state where they can call or coherently communicate with a doctor. But if my husband said he “didn’t feel like calling” his doctor? No way, dude. And I don’t think it’s a coincidence that my husband would never ask me to call a doctor for him just because he didn’t feel like doing it, and he’s a very equal parent and partner who does at least 50% of the stuff our young kids need. Men who are capable of handling their own stuff are going to be more equal co-parents.
Anonymous
That’s fair. I think we actually never call the doctor over anything minor, except to schedule an appointment. And I definitely do not schedule anyone else’s appointments.
Anon
There’s also a difference in my book between emotional labor and doing someone a favor or helping them out bc you care about them.
Scheduling a routine appointment for a spouse? Emotional labor. Scheduling an appointment for a sick spouse? Being a decent human. Scheduling an appointment for a super busy spouse as a one off? Being a decent partner
Winter
“…and I would definitely not take tasks off my husband’s plate because he “didn’t feel like” doing them.” What? I take things off my husbands plate all of the time because he doesn’t feel like doing them. And (perhaps even more so) he takes things off my plate that I don’t want to do. Because we love each other. And want to help each other.
LaurenB
I agree with Anon at 10:34. This wasn’t framed as “she was physically unable to.” This was framed as “she didn’t feel like it.” But that’s just being under the weather.
I’ll come at this the other way – I am a physician’s wife so I do overhear calls that people make for their loved ones. And what do they do? When my spouse asks whether their loved one has specific symptoms so he can try to diagnose what’s going on, what medication they should take or whether they need to be seen in his office or the ER, they have to cover the phone and ask the sick loved one “so, have you had nausea? vomiting? chills? diarrhea? does your neck hurt?” etc. and you can hear the loved one in the background answering these things. It seems so silly – why not just cut out the middleman and get on the phone yourself, unless it’s an issue where you literally have no voice?
Anon2
People can change once they’ve had children. My DH, could barely boil water for pasta before kids, learned how to bake muffins and waffles when it was necessary for our DD. (She was on a baked milk allergy protocol). His basic nature of not wanting to ever cook hasn’t changed, but when it was needed for his beloved DD, he stepped up. And he cooks pasta for our kids now, too.
Also, unless one of us were gravely ill, neither my DH or I would call a doctor for the other. Either one would call the pediatrician.
Anonymous
Side bar but I also have a kid on baked milk allergy protocol and would love to get a solid waffle receipe. So tired of making muffins.
anne-on
I didn’t love doing it in waffles, but apple sauce and/or coconut oil for butter, and a milk-sub of your choice (I like oat) worked perfectly fine for thicker pancakes.
I wouldn’t have used milk/butter in waffles or pancakes (I was too nervous it wouldn’t ‘bake’ enough), but have you tried dutch babies? They cook hot enough, and long enough to meet the ‘baked’ requirements our allergist had. This one is fab:
https://smittenkitchen.com/2017/01/chocolate-dutch-baby/
Anon2
Waffles were next step after the muffins, per the allergist. The milk is slightly less cooked than the muffins in waffles and pancakes.
I think we did the muffins for a year, maybe year and a half. But, it worked! She’s tolerant of milk now! Good luck making it through!
Anonymous
thanks! She tolerates muffins really well for over a couple years but our allergist hasn’t been great on the guidance on where to go from here. Do you bake the waffles in the oven?
Anon2
We use a waffle iron. I use the king arthur flour recipe (will post link in separate reply) for whole wheat waffles and use vegetable oil instead of butter. There’s just enough sugar in the recipe that the waffles can be eaten without maple syrup or jelly. And in my opinion, the whole wheat flour gives it a little nutty flavor rather than the blandness of white flour. Plus, whole whole wheat = more fiber.
We did a few months of waffles, then a milk challenge at the dr’s office. I think it might have been after her allergy scratch test results looked encouraging, but I don’t remember. DD’s never liked cow’s milk, but we got her eating yogurt on a near daily basis in order to keep up the tolerance. At first, her skin would blotch up a bit when the yogurt touched it, but that’s stopped. Plus, she’s a little better at not getting it all over her face when she’s feeding herself.
Good luck! Being an allergy mom isn’t easy!
Anon2
https://www.kingarthurflour.com/recipes/whole-wheat-waffles-recipe
For the lukewarm milk, I measure the milk first and let it sit on the counter to warm up to room temp. Probably started out heating it to lukewamness in microwave, but that got old fast. I’m pretty sure DH ignores that part of the instructions and uses straight from the fridge milk.
NYCer
+1 to all of this.
Anonymous
I hate using the phone but I’d definitely call if needed (like DH has sore throat and trying to minimize how much he talks). DH calls ppl all the time for me because he knows I hate the phone.
Cat
I think the response of “he hates talking on the phone” is weirder than having your partner call the doctor for you when talking hurts your throat!
Anon
Yeah, I hate talking on the phone and so does my husband. But we’d both call the doctor for each other in this situation.
Cb
Yes, I’m notorious for my phone hatred but I’d call when it was necessary.
anonymous
+1
Senior Attorney
Same here. Two phone haters but either one of us will take one for the team if necessary.
Anon
How old are they? I am a millennial stereotype, and I hate hate HATE calling doctors’ offices. The worst part about moving to my new city is that ZocDoc isn’t really a thing – in my previous three locations, I made all appointments online and never ever called. That being said, I will call the doctor for my husband if needed and he would do the same for me.
Anon
Friend A is late twenties, Friend B is early 30s. I get that some millennials hate talking on the phone, my husband does too, but I figured it’s different when you need to help each other out health-wise. I asked my husband too and he thought it was very odd how they responded, even though he’s a phone-hater (and English isn’t his first language). Guess everyone’s different. And I admit my perception, at least for a Friend B, could be unfairly colored because I don’t see him pull his weight in other areas.
Anonymous
I think Friend A didn’t ask her husband to call the doctor and she’s the weird one. Doesn’t sound like he refused.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t fault the guy for not taking the initiative to call the doctor, but it’s pretty problematic that she feels like she can’t rely on him to do something so small – either because he’ll refuse or he’ll grouse about having to use the phone.
Anon
I lost my voice a couple of weeks ago (bronchitis) and my husband proactively offered to call both my work and the doctor’s office for me so I wouldn’t have to strain my voice. He hates doctors and talking on the phone but saw the importance of helping me out. So yeah, I think the refusal is weird.
Anonymous
I hear stuff like this from so many of my married women friends. I don’t understand why anyone would marry someone who’s so unwilling to put in the slightest amount of effort to make your life better.
Go for it
+1
Anon
Personally I would find it hard to be in a relationship where I needed to justify asking for help. I can’t really imagine not being able to rely on my husband (or help him) when one of us has strep or has lost our voice or has a terrible migraine or whatever it is. It’s a comfort to me to know that whatever the reason, even if he thinks it’s silly, I can ask him for help and know both that he will help and that he knows I would do the same for him without keeping score or tallying up emotional labor points. In fact, I’d go so far as to call it a pillar of our long marriage. I don’t know if we would be as strong as we are today without this foundation of giving without question when one of us is vulnerable.
Go for it
+1 all of this ~ well said.
anon
+1. I don’t think my husband or I has ever called the doctor for the other person, but I also can’t remember a time when it’s come up and the other has refused. I do know that if one of us needed something this small from the other person, we’d do it without hesitating. I mean, last night my husband walked across the house and got me water before bed just because I was too tired and lazy to get my own water. I’m sure he’d call the doctor for me if I was sick.
Lobby-est
Love this.
CountC
My bff’s husband refuses to talk on the phone. I honestly don’t think he would call the doc for her, but it’s not my relationship so I can’t be sure. I roll my eyes hard core about the phone hating thing when it comes up in casual conversation re: what he hasn’t done because it involves a phone call.
I am not married, but I would absolutely call the doc office for a sick partner if they didn’t want to or weren’t feeling up to it because they were sick. I wouldn’t take care of routine stuff for them though!
Anon
Same! Nobody loves talking on the phone, but if you’re a responsible adult you should absolutely be able to make a phone call.
Worry About Yourself
I mean, my boyfriend and I both hate making phone calls for stuff like doctor appointments, we both prefer online scheduling whenever possible. That said, if I had severe strep or the flu, and it was painful (or darn near impossible) to speak, but I desperately needed an urgent care appointment that could only be made via phone, I’d like to think he’d step up and call to help make the appointment so I can get my antibiotics, and that he’d offer so I didn’t need to ask. We take care of each other.
To the private school poster over the weekend
My kids have been in a big public school system for 5 years. It has been a mixed bag. Our school is about 1/4 rich people, 1/3 from a housing project, and the other 5/12 random people. Our neighborhood generally doesn’t go to public schools, but there are outliers (I guess we are one). Over the years, we’ve had problems with my older daughter being routinely hit by another girl and bullied by another. It is time for a reset. Next year we are going to experiment with a magnet school (which will be much less white than our current school, but a school like the school in Fame where kids have to audition to get in and presumably really want to be there). Ultimately, I think that if I had the resources to move from a problematic school to a new school and didn’t, my kids would rightly have questions. New school may have problems too, in which case we will continue to watch and reassess. Diversity is a nice plus, but I think your values have to include keeping your kids safe and respected and learning while they are in school. They and you have 168 hours a week for practicing your values — school isn’t the only thing that you or they will do or can do. But if you don’t get school right, that has a long tail.
anon
Star-eye emoji for your accurate fractions!
Anon
“Next year we are going to experiment with a magnet school (which will be much less white than our current school, but a school like the school in Fame where kids have to audition to get in and presumably really want to be there).”
We have our son in a public magnet like this and it’s awesome. Entering students have to meet minimum grade standards in science and math and write an essay to be admitted, so if the kid is there, they want to be there and the parents are also invested. The school’s about 75% minority, majority of those are Hispanic (per the demographics of our area) but there’s a large Middle Eastern population as well, which is a community we hadn’t had a lot of contact with previously. We love it and our son is doing well.
Ribena
I had a horrible time of it with bullying when I was nearly at the end of primary school (age 9-11) – my mum freely admits she should have moved me but, as her own mother was going through treatment for terminal cancer at the time, it didn’t happen. When I moved up to my next school, she made a request that I not be in the same form group (home room class????) as anyone from my previous school, and that sorted the issue. (Where I grew up we had one school from age 5-11 and then another from 11-18)
It seemed to me like it was more about wanting a *different* school than a *private* school specifically – if the only different school would mean going private and she only has a year or so left before moving up to a bigger pond… I’d be tempted to just make that year as good as it can be before making the fresh start at high school.
Anonymous
I’m with you.
In my city, there is the big and wildly uneven public school system where the stuff that doesn’t make the 11:00 news can still be pretty bad, so your kid not learning cursive is not seen as a problem. And very expensive and white schools with all-or-nothing scholarships (so kids of janitors can go for free but then rub shoulders with kids comparing their beach houses and ski vacays; as you might expect, the networking it takes to mop floors there is known to be quite intense), so your kids get token diversity vs actual diversity (no poor Asian kids; the only Asian kids are rich, etc.) And then there are lots of small independent, church-affiliated, and public charter schools, all of which suffer from being very small, perhaps very segmented (one is very granola, so you may not send in snacks like Cheezits even if only your kid will eat them), sometimes too religious (I know tons of moderately religious people who are in schools run by a slightly different faith, but some religious schools are Very Religious), and many offer no bus service and don’t have holiday breaks that mesh well with other schools. So the knowable choices may just be very narrow in the long run. Sometimes, though, you just need a reset (and I thought the over-the-weekend kid was begging for one — miserable kids don’t learn).
Anon
Magnet school is a good option. It’s the only real decent option in my public school district after elementary school. Many of these schools are magnets within a regular public school so the magnet students get to be challenged with like-minded peers in rigorous academic settings and can also make friendships with non-magnet school kids in the required non-magnet courses (like PE and art). I think it’s the best of both worlds to balance academic rigor and expose your child to kids from all walks of life.
Anonymous
What exactly do people have against living in suburbs with decent middle and upper class families?? Is being around Hispanics and blacks — who btw can and do buy in those suburbs if they’ve established a decent career — soooo important nowadays?
Anonymous
I will just speak for myself, but where I live, the schools are run by the county for county residents. So I live in a very rich and white neighborhood, but the neighborhood doesn’t run the schools (and because it skews older, there aren’t enough kids there to fill a school, so the school boundaries don’t track neighborhoods). The county’s school-aged population is mostly black, then white, then hispanic, then asian. So for a county-wide program (magnets), it largely mirrors the county.
The town I grew up in ran its own schools, so it was primarily immigrants from eastern europe and some SE asia/jamaica and the prior generation was very Irish/Italian. The county was generally wealthier than my town, but my town was young, scrappy, and hungry. :)
Anonymous
I will say also that I don’t want my kids, when they are older, to think that just b/c I am rich, they will be rich. I grew up lower-middle class and my parents were dirt poor. It is a lot of work to tread water, economically, a lot of work to move up, and a lot of work for people working hourly jobs that are stressful in other ways. I fear that if my kids are just at Country Day, they will think that having $ is the norm. I want them to know that working is the norm. I feel that you feel that to your core in public school. I know I did and my public school peers did.
Anon
So their kids don’t grow up thinking like you – that to be “decent” you must be middle or upper class.
Signed,
Trailer trash who was never any threat to your kid, other than being smarter.
anon
Exactly. Life goal = teach my children not to be racist or classist; avoid unnecessary exposure to people like Anonymous at 11:36.
Legally Brunette
This is priceless. :)
Ribena
Some people don’t want to live in suburbs at all.
Anonymous
I live in a car city, so outside of a small dense urban core, it is suburban. But it varies — think of Arlington VA vs Fair Oaks. I don’t have time for a long commute, so I live close in and in a more mixed neighborhood. The truly urban parts of my city are where young singles live so the schools issue isn’t really a factor.
Anon
Many people for lifestyle reasons choose to live inside of a city. Not all of us want to drive an hour + in traffic everyday. Especially since a LOT of middle class families can live in an urban area and the schools still suck. Houston has this problem really severely – neighborhoods with 500k – $5M homes and a crappy public school.
Also, not everyone here is a WASP. Some of us are people of color who feel more comfortable with our children in diverse classrooms for a variety of reasons (mainly self-esteem and bullying reasons and culture exchange)
Jeffiner
My husband and I bought our house in the suburbs 15 years ago. Back then, the public elementary school was one of the best in the district. Our daughter is going to start kindergarten this year, and the best any of the parents or teachers can say about the school now is “it’s ok.” It would be cheaper for us to move rather than send our daughter to private school, but we like our house and its location and don’t want to move. Moving is a lot of work, and just because an elementary school is good, doesn’t mean the middle or high school would be good when she’s old enough for that. My biggest concern with private school is that my daughter will only associate with rich, white kids, but I’ll take that over her being bullied in public school.
My suburb is turning over, most of the homes are owned by older white people, but when they sell young families of all races buy the homes. I am eager for my street to become more diverse, I see way too many Trump signs around.
Anon
You know other people making different lifestyle choices than you doesn’t mean they’re attacking you, right? You might want to do some self examination to understand why that makes you so defensive.
Anon
The largest/oldest high school in a very diverse city in my metro area is 2% white, 38% are proficient in reading, and 17% are proficient in math. In the suburbs 20 mins away, the largest/oldest high school is 74% white, 80% proficient in reading, and 71% proficient in math. Those differences in test scores are VAST and there are many causes, but I wouldn’t hesitate to send my kid to the better school.
Anonymous
Those are pretty stark choices. In my city, there is middling option A and middling option B. The next county over is just as mediocre, but it’s mediocrity of poorer white students where the parents often had limited opportunities.
Seventh Sister
It really sucks that you’ve had that experience, and I’d be doing the same if I was in your shoes. My feeling about K-12 school has always been, I’ll give the neighborhood school a good college try, but I am willing to change if my kid is floundering. Due to certain family dynamics, I doubt I’d take money from grandparents for private school, but I understand why people do it.
As someone who was bullied pretty relentlessly in a “good” public school system that was really pretty poor-to-average but super white, I have been really happy with my kids’ experiences in a diverse, not particularly posh urban school district. There has been very little bullying and the teachers/administrators are really on top of any issues. As for academics, I thought the curriculum seemed kind of easy, but then my eldest hit middle school (which feeds from several whiter/richer elementary schools) and she’s doing really well in comparison to the kids whose parents loved them enough to put them in the “better” elementary schools.
One note on class issues – Americans never really talk about social class, but I actually think that going to a school with a range of social classes (kids from the trailer park, builders’ kids, kids of professionals, poor farm kids) was helpful to me in learning how to get along with people. My daughter mostly seems to wind up being friends with the other daughters of professionals, but my son has a much more socially diverse group of pals. They also do ballet and go to church with some kids who are from much better-off families, and I definitely do point out that “these rich kids aren’t any better or more special than you are.” I was tremendously intimidated by prep school kids and I don’t want them to be that way.
LaurenB
I think that the attitude of being intimidated by people who have more is a very individual thing. I grew up in a 12-foot-wide rowhouse in working class neighborhood raised by working class grandparents (I’m not even sure if my grandmother graduated high school) but we were not raised to be “intimidated” by anyone — upon meeting them, my grandparents easily sat down and had dinner with my husband’s Richie-Rich grandparents and chatted away and did just fine. They knew they had honest jobs and could conduct themselves in front of anyone, and good for the Richie-Riches that they have such a nice life. I think that’s a certain mindset to be “afraid” of wealthier people, who all put their pants on one leg at a time and all that. And I think it’s something you can easily pass on to or avoid passing on to your children. Regardless of public vs private school.
BTW, what’s with the private school = rich?? Plenty of private schools are just religiously-based, not anything to do with wealth at all.
Anon
This is a really good comment. I do think there’s some “bigotry of low expectations” when we expect students of color or students from low-income backgrounds to automatically not feel like they belong to a whiter, richer school.
Anon
In my city, the private schools that are academically rigorous are $$$. Not DC/NOVA private school levels of expensive, but out of reach for most. Most of the other private schools are long on Jesus and short on academics.
Seventh Sister
I think the intimidation is an individual thing, but I also think it’s pretty common among middle-class people, especially if they’ve been raised to idolize people who are business “successes”. I’ve watched friends and relatives practically fall all over themselves in the presence of Some Billionaire and I’d rather my kids *not* feel like they ought to act like that just because some rich guy showed up.
Anonymous
I have a charity gala this weekend and will be wearing a jewel tone solid color floor length gown. I tried it on last weekend and realized that I need to wear flats. Any recommendations for black flats under $75 that have a special touch? I can’t wear anything super pointy.
Anonymous
Badgley Mischka has some really lovely formal flats. I wore some for my wedding. Got them on Zappos.
Anonymous
If you have flats you like already, you might be able to just add shoe clips.
Mallory
https://www.zappos.com/p/jewel-badgley-mischka-maury-black/product/9294724/color/3
Anne
I’d like to order more target and less amazon, but I hate how the target stuff all comes in a million different boxes even if I order it at the same time. Is there a way to have it all come in one box (even if it takes a bit longer)?
Anon
There is a “consolidate my shipments” option on most orders. It gives you $1 back too (at least for RedCard holders).
Anne
Where is it? I’ve looked and haven’t seen it.
Anon
It’s not offered on all orders, so if you’re not seeing it (it’s very obvious during the checkout process) you may not be ordering things that are eligible. I’d say I get it more than half the time, but definitely not close to 100% of the time.
Anonymous
When it isn’t offered you can try dropping a couple things out to figure out which is preventing the consolidation. Takes a few minutes but if it’s a regular order, then you’ll know which one item you need to order separately so the other 12 can ship together.
Cat
Target’s online shopping experience is super frustrating. Half the time, even filtering for ‘available online’ you get in store only items in your results. And now this — when other retailers like A-zon conveniently eliminate this headache by saying “ship in the fewest packages possible” and therefore skip straight to the ideal outcome of “ship 12 things together and 1 outlier separately” — what is their web team doing??
Anne
This! It just feels ridiculous to have a some onion powder arrive alone.
Kale
I recently decided that I don’t like my makeup for work, but can’t figure out what would make me look better. I am thinking about doing one of those makeover things at the cosmetics counter and see if someone can point me to new colors, etc. Do I just make an apptmt with a Nordstrom person or do I need to choose a brand (like Bobbi brown, which I’ve liked in the past)? Is there a minimum purchase involved and how much is it?
Cb
I’ve done it with Laura Mercier and Clinique and both were good. But I wonder if this is a skincare issue? Do you just feel like you need a bit of brightening up?
anne-on
I am having the same issue and made an appointment with the Ulta salon (they do one side of your face, you do the other) after picking out the products together. I liked that Ulta blends drugstore/high end picks (which I do too) and that I’m not limited to one brands products.
In-House in Houston
Did you get to pick the make-up stylist at Ulta? I really want to do this too – in fact I posted here about it last week. This may sound tacky, but I want to see the person first who will be putting the make-up on me b/c if I don’t like their look, I probably don’t want them putting make-up on me….right? On my post here last week, someone gave me some really good advice. They said to avoid the pressure of buying a lot of products, they said to tell the sales person that you want to wear the make-up for the day to see how it wears on your skin, make sure you don’t break-out, etc. before you buy.
pugsnbourbon
I wouldn’t automatically disqualify a makeup artist based on their look, barring obviously sloppy application. I’d think a makeup artist would wear more dramatic makeup than what they’d give to a client who requested a basic work look. I took lessons from someone whose own makeup style is very different from mine, but she was able to walk me through some looks that worked for me (winged liner, subtle smoky eye, fake lashes, etc).
anon
you can do both styles of appointments at Nordstrom’s. They have they people at the specific counters, and they stick with that one brand. You can book their beauty concierge or specialist i think they are called through the website, and those employee can cross brands. I believe it’s free, though i always plan to purchase at least a couple of items. Bobbi Brown and Charlotte Tilbury have been my favorite one-brand makeovers from a professional, work perspective.
NY CPA
I like Blue Mercury for this, because they don’t rep a specific brand so you can mix and match but still use the brands that I would want if I went to a department store. If I’m going to a normal department store, I like Bobbi Brown, but have only been able to do the one-brand thing at department stores. Typically, the “recommended” (i.e. mandatory) minimum purchase at any of the places I’ve been to is 3 items.
Book Recommendations
I just finished reading A Gentleman in Moscow and Rules of Civility and loved the vivid language, the character analysis, the reference to time periods. Do you have any book recommendations for someone seeking out more along these lines? In the past I’ve loved Harry Potter, Malcolm Gladwell, Paul Auster, Barbara Kingsolver, and Dave Eggers.
Anon2
Ann Patchett
Anon
Elizabeth Strout
Cb
Some favourite fiction – Home Fire, What Red Was, Exit West, The Muse, The Language of Flowers.
Seconding the Ann Patchett recommendation as well.
christineispink
Tan Twan Eng. Read both his books (multiple times) after recommended on this sub and still my favorite.
anon
The Sympathizer, The Narrow Road to the Deep North, Pachinko, The Great Believers, Saints for All Occasions, American Spy
ElisaR
“pillars of the earth” is a really well written and time-span sweeping novel. also I enjoyed “middlesex”
these are kind of dated recommendations since i have barely read books since kids…..
Moi
The Seven Husbands of Evelyn Hugo
Once Upon A River
Anonymous
Someone posted this in the weekend thread, so I’m reposting here in their behalf because I am also interested. If you asked for advice on this board, do you have an update? Did you cut off your friend? Leave your husband? Take the new job or stay put? Have an affair? Take a stand with your in-laws?Sort of like an AAM “Where are they now?”
Anon
I have one with a happy ending. I posted a few years ago about how I was concerned that a relative with a long history with terrible
husbands was starting a new relationship very quickly (ie, it got serious very quickly) a year after being widowed. I was alarmed at the speed and intensity of the new relationship given her history (and frankly I was concerned he could be after her money, which is enough to be tempting but not enough to overcome a gold digger). However, the new guy turned out to be a completely amazing 180 from any of her previous relationships – smart, self-sufficient, funny, incredibly kind, tons of things in common, a real gentleman, etc etc. They’re very happily married now. It was so rewarding to see this amazing woman finally find the love she deserved after a long string of flat-out losers. I wish I could find my original post about it to see how far things have come.
Ribena
I was venting a lot of last year about failed job applications – I’m now one month into a new job (which I interviewed for last May and then there was funding uncertainty about) and loving it. Week 1 included my new manager talking about how we have to assume it’s only a 12 month contract and committing to work with me on doing what I need to do to get hired doing something similar elsewhere after it finishes, including opportunities overseas, which is pretty exciting. (It’s a complete change of specialism for me and technically only a temporary secondment within my organisation)
anon
I posted about a year ago about being burned out at a toxic job and wanting to quit with nothing lined up and just take some time off. I ended up doing exactly that – was unemployed for three months, not looking at finding work or doing anything work-related for the first two.
After about three weeks of networking (which started when I ended my ‘burn out recovery’ time), I ended up starting the job I’m in now, which is basically my dream job. It pays a lot less, but still more than adequate for my needs, and I love my co-workers, the role, the location, pretty much everything. So a happy ending for this one!
Azera
Aw that’s so great, I’m really happy for you! You absolutely did the right thing :)
JS
A simple one but, I asked for recommendations for a wedding planner in the DMV area, ended up hiring the Plannery, and absolutely loved them. Truly could not have made it through the process without them!
Anon
I was the one with the dog with a similar name as the baby we were potentially adopting. We were open to changing the dog’s name but unfortunately we did not end up chosen to adopt the baby. We were the second choice and I took it really really hard. Doing much better now and still waiting for the right match. Now we don’t have to worry about having a Luke and a Lucas though.
Anon
Hugs.
a little less stuck than before
Yes, so many times over the years! I’ve gone on the vacations and had great times (or saved the thread for another time to reference). I’ve asked for job advice (and lurked quite a bit when others asked) about leaving BigLaw. Most recently, I asked last year about leaving in-house when I wasn’t sure what to do next. I think I needed to give myself permission that it’s ok to leave law and ok if I am not sure what to do next. I’m even closer to that now but want to wait until my bonus check comes in 5 weeks and started a few months ago trying for a bebe, so hoping for that, too. My plan is to take some time to think about what I want to do next. Very much appreciate the women here.
House of Windsor
Has anyone seen the House of Windsor series on Netflix? How did you find it? I liked the Crown but as a period piece certain parts of it didn’t sit too well with me, but somehow I’m interested in watching more of these royals stories…
Vicky Austin
Um, are you watching my house? That’s literally what I was binging last night.
It was educational the first time and it does scratch my royal itch. Good background noise/comfort TV.
I do get irritated with the slightly soapy tone. And you could make a drinking game out of the narrator saying, “_____’s struggles were akin to those of Edward VIII, known to the family as David…”
Cat
I wish the Crown did a bit more of this! There are so many middle-aged white dudes and so little context.
Vicky Austin
Oh that’s fair! I meant more like literally EVERYONE gets compared to E8 at some point, and it feels like they’re doing it just so they can tell us again what a scandalous dude he was. (Which he was, but like, two episodes in, I get it.)
Flats Only
I watched that and thought it was interesting and well done. Especially damning was how far the Duke and Duchess of Windsor got with the Nazis in WWII.
Anonymous
That’s what I watched this weekend too! I enjoyed seeing the old photographs and video clips.
Calling in-house attorneys
Happy Monday ladies! For those of you that are GC or house counsel for companies operating in multiple states are you admitted to the bar in multiple states or just one? I am in-house for a company that operates in several states and I perform legal work for all locations. We have outside counsel in every jurisdiction for litigation, any court appearances, etc however transactional and other day to day matters are handled internally. Just hoping to take the temperature on what is the norm in these situations. Thanks!
So Anon
I am in-house and am barred in the state where I live and practice and, coincidentally, am also barred in the state where the parent-company is headquartered.
AFT
I’m barred in a specialty practice and appear before state and federal agencies across the country. In most cases, I don’t need to be barred to do so (I’m only barred in my home state/where the corporation is based). In only a few situations, I’ve had to affiliate with a local lawyer to appear before the agency, and in that I usually get a referral from outside counsel but do more of the hands-on work and use them as co-/local counsel.
If the case makes it to court, we typically refer to outside counsel barred in the state. As far as I know, all of my fellow in-house lawyers at my company are also only admitted in our home state.
CountC
I’m barred in the state where I live and where my office is, which is also the state where the US HQ is, coincidentally – so both my home and host state. I am not admitted in any of the other states where we have affiliate companies or locations which I work with.
AnonInHouse
I am barred in the state in which my company is headquartered. Lawyers in my company are typically admitted either in the state in which our company is headquartered (regardless of where they work — that’s my situation; I do not work in our HQ state), or in the state in which they work. I do not do any litigation.
anonn
Same. Barred in the state I work, and also do transactions all over the country.
So Anon
I receive shares of my company’s stock that vests after a period of years as part of my compensation. My first grant is set to vest in one month. My company is well-respected, highly regarded, and doing well right now. Nonetheless, I am hesitant to leave those funds entirely invested in my company. Thus far, my financial strategy has been pretty straight forward: no consumer/student loan debt, have 6-12 month emergency fund (single parent to two kids), max 401K and save for retirement, save for college and pay down my mortgage (initially purchased with less than 20% down). Is it time to look for a financial adviser? I feel like my financial picture is getting more complicated with the vesting of my company’s stock. For those who receive company stock as part of your compensation, do you keep those funds entirely invested in your company? Any advice?
Sassyfras
General financial planning advice is that you already have so much of your financial well-being tied up in your company since they pay your salary, it would be better to sell the company stock and instead invest in the broad market.
Ribena
Seconded. I feel really uncomfortable about how much my organisation encourages us to invest in its own shares. If the company does badly, I don’t want all my investments to tank too.
Carrie
+3
Also completely agree.
You seem to be doing very well with your own financial organization so far! I wouldn’t hire someone to advise based on this question alone. I would start selling and re-invest in low fee index funds for the long term.
Or do you have additional questions, like whether to pay down your mortgage quicker or save more for college with this money?
Anon
+1. Unless you have reason to believe your company has so much upside potential that it makes sense to hold on to part of them.
Anonymous
My husband’s company stock grants mature every quarter. He transfers them to his brokerage account and our financial advisor sells them and then redistributes the $$$ to other investments in the account. She does not want us to hold on to the company stock for the reason mentioned by Sassyfras.
Boss Issues
Long story short: Do I address this with Boss or not?
Boss and I have a good working relationship and I have been told repeatedly that I am seen as a high performer. I am in a role that is a great fit for me, but have been struggling with burnout (have not discussed that with Boss).
Recently, Boss made a Decision that affects me tangentially (ie, he did something that directly affects my close colleagues and will, by extension, affect me). Boss and I have not had ANY direct conversation over this Decision, ie I found out about it from others, which in this case was entirely appropriate. Then, Boss called me and asked “Are you mad at me?” presumably for Decision, and then launched into the “You can talk to me, I value your opinions, I want to discuss this with you” speech.
Under normal circumstances, I would have no problem setting up a short meeting or sending Boss an email on the topic “I get that you are the Boss and these are just my opinions, but you asked for my thoughts so here they are.” I have done that in the past with absolutely no negative impact to our working relationship that I can see.
However… my thoughts on the Decision lead directly to “I am so burned out and see no end in sight and if you don’t want to lose me then we need to figure out how to address this.” The Decision is going to make my job even harder, both functionally and mentally/emotionally, in ways that are probably not immediately apparent.
I probably do, at some point sooner rather than later, owe Boss the burnout conversation. FWIW I have laid out all my thoughts on paper including a few actions that Boss could take to help alleviate the situation. If it was JUST the burnout conversation, I could take a deep breath and do it. But the Decision situation has made this more complicated because I don’t want to seem like the diva princess that’s turning it around to be all about herself. Also… the Decision really paints Boss in a bad light. Appears very shady and self-serving which is not the kind of Decision I would have expected, and has erased years of trust in an instant. A few weeks ago, when it was just Burnout, I was already organizing my thoughts in preparation for a Boss discussion, but now I’ve developed a bit of a trust issue with Boss.
So I think my options are these:
1. Never discuss Decision or Burnout, just move on which probably means ramping up my half-hearted-so-far job search.
2. Never bring up the Decision. Wait a few weeks and then try to have the Burnout discussion. My fear with this is that the Decision will naturally come up in the course of conversation.
3. B@lls to the wall and address both Decision & Burnout in one fell swoop with a Boss that I no longer trust.
Anonymous
4. Hear Boss out on why Decision was made – you can note that you were surprised by Decision and would like to understand more of the reasoning behind it because you like to learn about how higher level decisions are made. There may be more going on than you know – good or bad. Then deal with Burnout discussion separately, informed by Boss’s insight re Decision.
Based on my own experience with Burnout, there is a strong element of self-mgmt involved and not a lot may change absent job change.
Anonymous
1- find a new job
2- mention that decision is going to leave you without resources to promptly handle xyz or whatever the factual impact is
3- find a new job
Junior Associate
Burnout is not a personal but a systemic issue created by lack of resources and support. If Decision makes your job harder it is a direct factor leading to Burnout.
To the extent that you see yourself working for this job, I would address the issue of Decision in the greater context of adequate allocation of resources (lack of which will lead to burnout) — I highly recommend HBR’s ample archives on burnout, the first of which pops up on g o o gle is “Burnout is about your workplace, not your people”. This article may be helpful framing the discussion around Decision, which may help you frame your discussion of your Burnout at a later time if you do decide to bring it up (as a systematic issue that affects your job). https://hbr.org/2016/06/steps-to-take-when-youre-starting-to-feel-burned-out
Anon
Your only option is #1, I don’t know what you think are accomplishing with #2 or #3. The “are you mad at me?” question is really weird. Sounds like more than a boss/employee relationship.
Boss Issues
That was my first thought as well – “WTF, is this middle school?!” I mean, Boss = Boss. You’ve made other decisions over the years that I’ve disagreed with and never shown the least concern about people being “mad at you.” Very strange.
Agree with #4, hear Boss out. I know enough about the surrounding issues that I will need to step very very carefully. That said, if we can cut the discussion off before Boss asks “But how are YOU?” It could lead pretty naturally into a later conversation re burnout.
Part of my issue here is Decision seems to be validating what multiple other people have warned me about – basically that Boss is untrustworthy and slimy and gross. I heard this from multiple people throughout the company, some of whom I’m not even close to, when we started working together. But I kept an open mind and would have said a month ago – I have no idea what those people are talking about, Boss is trustworthy and can be relied upon to always try to do the right thing and is actually a really great Boss. So not only am I questioning Boss, I am questioning myself and my own judgement, which sucks.
LittleBigLaw
If Boss is asking for feedback after the fact re whether you’re “mad” at him, then it sounds like he’s probably already picking up on your burnout issues. It’s hard to tell from your post what the risks of addressing these issues would be, but he’s opened the door for you to talk about things that are going to have to be addressed eventually anyway (if you stay in this job). Why not engage and see what happens? Not speaking up about will only make the burnout worse. And suspicion of a boss won’t help, either. Is there a reason you can share for why you’re not able to give your boss the benefit of the doubt when you’ve otherwise had a good relationship? I think it’s right to try to frame your concerns/feedback in a way that isn’t entirely self-centered or whiny, and I would be careful not to insinuate anything negative about your boss’s motivations. But if your boss trusts your opinion and you have an opportunity to push back, I would absolutely do it.
Weekend Travel Recs?
After almost a decade as a burnt out associate in biglaw, I have blown up my life and have given myself a 6-month career “break” as a visiting scholar before I start my next job.
While I have residency requirements M-Th, I can and do plan to make the most of travel opportunities on 3-day or (on long weekends) 4-day weekends. I’ll be based in Boston, and have lived in NYC for many years.
Under these circumstances, where would you go? Weekend getaway recs (including specific BnBs, inns, hotels)? I love the ocean and any large bodies of water as well as good views out to beautiful nature, but am a terrible hiker and skiier. I would enjoy learning to do things that are not super strenuous though. No trust fund (so not intending to go jetsetting off to Paris every weekend), but my savings and generous severance package from biglaw are funding my ventures.
Anonymous
Wow, go you! No suggestions unfortunately but I would love to hear more about how you negotiated severance (assuming you quit outright) and how you found your scholar position.
Anon
I can’t comment on the severance package as I didn’t really negotiate (the “break” wasn’t entirely voluntary and the package is pretty standard — the generosity is mostly attributable to the size of the biglaw salary relative to my no-longer-in-NYC expenses), but many law schools have applications available for visiting scholar or researcher positions. You do have to pay a small fee (usually a few thousand dollars) for access to the school’s resources but usually you can audit a class or two, participate or present in colloqiums, have access to the professors, use the library, etc., so I’ve seen some mid career professionals take “time off” while having something to fill their resume during that time. It’s not entirely free and requirements will vary depending on the school, but most people I know with 4-5 years of experience have not had trouble landing these positions. It probably doesn’t make you particularly marketable on its own though, and is more of a gap filler.
Anonymous
Thanks!
So Anon
A few suggestions, though I have many:
– Head out to North Adams, MA and stay at the Porches and visit MASS MoCA (any time of year would be great, but roads out there can get a bit dicey in winter).
– Maine: Kennebunk and Kennebunk Port are gorgeous sea-side towns. Portland is a wonderful small city. The Old Port is fun to walk around and has great food. Kittery and Freeport have retail shopping. The Harraseeket Inn in Freeport is a great hotel. You could also sign up for classes in the summer through LLBean in Freeport (kayaking or paddle boarding on Casco Bay). Further north, Boothbay, Bar Harbor and Acadia are beautiful. Book ahead if you are planning to come up to Maine in the summer as it gets pricey from 4th of July through August. (If you are going to drive north to Maine, leave Boston before 3pm on Friday or face “scenery traffic” – people oohhing and ahhing and slowing down when a beautiful view can be seen from the interstate)
– Cape Cod: I like Cape Cod in the off or shoulder seasons. Traffic out there in the summer is the thing of nightmares.
-Vermont: I love Stowe Vermont in the winter, even when I’m not skiing. The Green Mountain Inn in Stowe is a fun hotel.
Boston is a great jumping off point to explore so much of New England! Enjoy your time and ability to recharge!
So Anon
Oh one other thought – if you want to go somewhere tropical, Bermuda is a short flight and I have been able to find great deals even during peak season. Keep in mind that Bermuda is not that much warmer than the East Coast, so I wouldn’t head there in March and expect to spend time hanging on the beach.
Anon OP
Thanks ap much for these recs!
Anon OP
So much***
Diana Barry
Traffic gets bad way before 3 on Fridays – try noon! Particularly in the summer, but rush hour is bad all times of year now.
Anon
+1 – when I lived in Boston, we only did weekend trips to Maine if we could leave before noon. It gets bad shortly after noon leaving Boston and heading north.
Katie
I really loved Burlington, VT. It’s not a terrible drive from Boston (and the drive itself is really pretty), but I’m sure there are short flights. I especially adored taking a sunset cruise on a restored sailboat on Lake Champlain. The beer scene there is fantastic, and there’s a lot of cute small towns that are fun to poke around in. I did it as a solo trip and would 110% go again.
Anonymous
Second MassMOCA and the Porches!
Anon Midlevel
I don’t have any travel tips, but I posted about burnout below too, and I hope you get to recharge during your break!!
Anonymous
I would do day trips most weekends and then plan one 3-4 day flying vacation each month.Spent a couple weekends in Boston itself. Try out new activities like cooking classes, painting classes, indoor rock climbing. Make a list of things you’ve never tried that you think will be cool to try. Best case, you have a great time. Worst case, you have a great story of that time you tried xyz activity and hilarity ensued. For travel weekends, I would do:
February – snowboard in Vermont – take a lesson, soak in a hot tub/go to a spa afterwards
March – direct flight to Florida for 4 days on Sanibel Island or similar quiet chill, island
April – Paris for springtime
May – Cape Cod weekend
June – Newfoundland (via Halifax) for whales and icebergs and/or sea kayaking
Please report back! Would love to hear about your adventures.
Anon
If you have access to a car, I’d at least ones drive the NH Mountain ranges. Go up 93, through Franconia notch, over to 302, through the North Conway area, hop on the Kankamangus, cut back across to 93 and then back South. You can take a Gondola up and down Cannon Mountain, even in ski season to catch a view from the top. You could also drive Mount Washington in the summer once the road is back open.
Anon
Agree with everything the others have suggested (and with their traffic advice; definitely plan weekends around traffic). I know you said you wouldn’t be jetting off to Paris every weekend, but if you plan in advance and are flexible on timing you can find some incredible deals for long weekends from Boston. Right now Europe is on frequently on sale, including nonstop flights to Paris (I booked $350 nonstop tickets for Labor Day weekend that won’t require me to take any days off). Iceland and the Azores are good for four day weekends. Also, it can be worth using local ferry and train services to get around traffic. Instead of sitting in hours of summer Cape-bound traffic, hope the ferry to Ptown. There’s also summer weekend train/ferry combos that will get you to the Vineyard or Nantucket.
Welcome to Boston!
Anon
I thought Stonington, CT was beautiful when we stopped there after a day in Mystic, CT. I also enjoyed Hanover, NH and Portland, ME when there visiting family.
Bostonian
The flight from BOS > Shannon, Ireland is often cheaper than and shorter than a BOS > LAX flight. Also:
– Bermuda
– Quebec/Montreal
– Finger lakes of NY
– Unpopular opinion, but skip Cape Cod (or only to Provincetown) and do Nantucket and Martha’s Vineyard during peak seasons… alternatively, do Cape Cod (specifically Chatham) in the off season – think October/November or March. Absolutely lovely. I flipping hate Cape Cod from May-September.
– Acadia National Park in Maine
– Stowe, VT
– Burlington, VT
– Portland, ME
– Portsmouth, NH is a very, very easy overnight trip and the restaurant scene is to die for
– Newport/Jamestown, Rhode Island
As others have mentioned, getting direct flights to the very western part of Europe isn’t hard from Boston so if you have total flexibility, consider Iceland or some other western European destinations. Enjoy!
Anon
Perhaps a bit too much for 3 days, but on a long weekend – come over to Montreal! Lots to see and do, reasonable driving distance.
JB
Woodstock VT is lovely. A cute town with fun historical sites – 1 day is enough
Stockbridge in Western Mass is also a cute town. The Norman Rockwell museum is enjoyable and swing by the Red Lion Inn
Calling in-house attorneys
Happy Monday ladies! For those of you that are GC or in-house counsel for companies that operate in multiple states do you have bar admission in all of those states or just one? I am in-house at a company with a small legal department that does business in several states and I do work for all locations. We have outside counsel in each jurisdiction handling litigation, court appearances, etc. but transaction and other general legal work is handled internally. Just wanted to take the temperature on how this is normally handled. Thanks!
Anon
I think it’s fairly uncommon to have attorneys barred in multiple states as in-house counsel.
Anonymous
I mean, no, in house counsel don’t take the bar in every state where the company has a location. If you need something done that’s specific to that state’s law, then you should get outside counsel in that state. I’m barred in a state that’s a common choice of law/forum selection state. We see all kinds of contracts that don’t follow recent updates in our state’s law, but in house counsel didn’t think to run it by a practicing lawyer in my state. I suppose it was a business decision – they didn’t want to spend the time or money to get outside counsel. But man I wouldn’t want to be the in house counsel who signed off on a contract that wasn’t actually valid because of some state law quirk.
Anon
It’s not necessary to have outside counsel review every contract that comes across my desk. I’ve been in house for 15 years and never had a contract invalidated based on state law issues.
anonn
This is intriguing. Can you give an example?
Anon Midlevel
I‘m a midlevel associate in IP in the last few weeks of my current job before I lateral to a new firm, and I‘m so burnt out. I have a few weeks off to recover between jobs, but if anyone has any stories/advice/tips for surviving right now or how to recover before I start my new job, it would be much appreciated!
Junior Associate
Hi, I am not a doctor but was in a similar boat a few years ago. These are some things I found helpful over a 3-week period that I had off to recover from a can’t-drag-myself-out-of-bed-to-save-my-life burnout:
Keep to a routine and sleep early and 8-9 hours every day. Take all the vitamins, especially 3+ grams of vitamin C (talk to your doc). Go in for a physical that tests for nutritional or hormonal imbalances, chronic fatigue clinics or stress clinics and get your hormones and nutritions tested, and have minerals and vitamins and diets prescribed by a chronic fatigue/functional medicine doctor. Work out regularly, but not too vehemently — I liked yoga and pilates. Cut out sugar and all alcohol from diet and up protein intake from various sources — beef tenderloin, tofu, chicken breast, fish. Travel to close places that are not too strenuous — close-in spas, resorts, neighborhood poolsides where you can relax and read a book. Stay off your phone (I read How To Break Up With Your Phone).
Anon Midlevel
Thank you!!
Anonymous
For me, I focused on getting plenty of sleep. I slept 8-10 hours a day and sometimes took a nap. I exercised regularly. I took a lot of long walks with my dog to get outside (it was winter).
I also made a list of every non urgent task I hadn’t gotten too (taking bags for repairs, cleaning my closet, printing pictures, switching savings accounts, etc.) and spent an hour a day tackling those tasks so I felt productive.
I cooked a lot for myself – I never cooked in BigLaw so it was nice to have home cooked food and learn some new recipes before starting my new job.
I met friends for lunch/coffee during their workday since my schedule was flexible – a good way to reconnect with people I hadn’t seen enough in BigLaw.
Horse Crazy
How do you stay healthy when your SO has a cold? I’m having surgery in a week and a half and I CANNOT get sick…what are your best tips to prevent getting a cold?
Anonymous
Wash your hands, sleep separately, Lysol everything, wear a mask.
Anonymous
Zicam tablets. Maybe it’s placebo effect, but I swear they work (you could probably also just take zinc pills for the same effect).
Cat
drinking lots of water, keeping up with vitamins, making my own food, frequent hand washes and not touching my face. In your case you might want to sleep separately — I don’t go that far but I’m only trying to avoid my own inconvenience, not complicate a surgery.
Anonymous
I wouldn’t do all this for a regular cold but when I REALLY can’t get sick – take Zinc and vitaminC, wash hands constantly, don’t touch your face, if you have multiple bathrooms ask them to use one and you use the other – if only one bathroom, make sure you don’t share towels even for hand drying, consider having them sleep in a separate room depending on how sick they are.
Anon
The best way to prevent it is separate bathrooms and sleeping areas, if possible, and of course no kissing/intimacy.
anonymous
Wash your hands frequently. Disinfect counters, doorknobs, etc. Avoid touching your face.
Anon
Hand sanitizer and sleep in separate rooms until he’s recovered.
Anon
Zicam around the clock, wash your hands nonstop, and don’t touch your mouth or nose. Sleep in separate bedrooms.
Junior Associate
Separate bedrooms and bathrooms (if possible), separate towels, regularly disinfect home surfaces and phones/laptops with 100% alcohol wipes (the kind nurses use before giving you injections at hospitals), wear masks in close quarters and no touching the surface of the mask, only handle the tie part when removing mask, no sharing food or utensils, kissing, physical contact or getting too close while one person is actively sick. Vitamin C may not prevent cold but is supposed to help with immune responses — I take 5 grams every day (with prescription), along with B, D, Magnesium and Zinc.
Maybe the response is a bit overboard for healthy people but the flu is brutal this year and I have a very low immune reponse score, so I’m taking all the precautions.
rosie
I like the zicam nasal swabs & elderberry supplements (zarbees brand), although if you’re having surgery soon or are on other meds, you might want to run any supplements by your dr to make sure it’s ok. Handwashing, etc. as well. And try to get as much sleep as you can, which may mean being separate from your SO if they are coughing/sneezing/restless.
Anon
I agree with all of the above; additionally have the sick person stay in an isolated space, and wear a mask at all times (disposal of the masks should also be done by the sick person, along with all trash from the sick person). In our house, that means the sick person goes to the guest bedroom, uses the guest bathroom, wears a mask going in/out of the space, and is effectively living in a different house. Also, the healthy person must get extra sleep/prioritize sleep.
Lots to Learn
I once saw a Mythbusters episode that stuck with me. Basically, the finding was that the sick person has the most control over whether others get sick. So he should be washing hands, not touching, staying out of the way, etc. You should too, but the real onus is on him.
Anonymous
+1
The rule in our house is when you cough/sneeze/blow your nose… you cover, and you sanitize your hands. Every time.
We have moisturizing hand sanitizer everywhere.
We have someone in our family who is immunocompromised.
Anon
Wondering about self-exams: the doctors encourage us to check our breasts regularly, usually in the shower. When we go in for our check-ups, however, they always examine us while we’re supine. Sometimes I’ll do an exam lying down too, and I just don’t feel as much as when I’m standing up or on my side, even.
I’ve heard of women finding lumps that the doctors missed, or the machines missed. I have a particular spot that started out as a dull ache and is now a regular pain. When *I* feel it, I have to be on my side for gravity to help. I’ve had my doctor check it, and he tried the usual flat-on-my-back thing and said there’s nothing there. I shifted to my side and made him feel it again. “oh yeah, I see what you mean.” I went to a specialist, same thing. I didn’t have a chance to shift because she (yes, she! A woman doing a bit of talking down to another woman!) said it was just tenderness related to peri-menopause. Um…
So, I’m now in the process of tracking down a third opinion. But why do they always do breast exams like that? You can’t really feel anything.
Anon
Mammogram or ultrasound?
MKB
No answers, but I have wondered about this too.
anonshmanon
me three.
Anon
Stick to your guns. If you think it’s problematic, insist on an ultrasound. I always considered the in-office checks as a “check the box” thing they do when you’re in the office for a regularly scheduled appointment. The doctor doesn’t know my baseline so how can they truly know if something is abnormal. For example, I have really dense tissue an I’ve had doctors say something felt funny when in fact it was 100% normal for me (confirmed after u/s in one instance).
Anonymous
I find exams in the physician’s office to be pretty painful. Thanks to mammograms, I know I’ve got some dense tissue so maybe that is the reason. I wonder if standing up would be more comfortable.
Anonymous
Just my opinion, but get that third opinion as soon as you can and schedule a mammo, too. I found my lump myself after it was missed a month earlier at the gyno. It was cancerous. I’m ok and hopefully will be for a long time, but it was scary and has turned my life upside down. On the upside I guess, I no longer have any boobs to worry about though….
Anon
I had a 3-d follow-up mammogram as well as an ultrasound. All results say not cancer. I figure it’s a cyst or gland –but still. As soon as January is done, I’m going back in with another doctor. Thanks, all.
Anon
My doc does them while I am sitting up. Maybe ask if yours would too?
Lipstick
Has anyone tried those Color the World lipsticks for older ladies, that I keep seeing online ads for?
Parasite & Korean cinema recs
Parasite was SO good. I’m rooting for it at the Oscars! From what I’ve seen of Korean movies, they’re amazing and deserve more international recognition. Do others have other recs? I’ve only seen a handful and liked all of them — off the top of my head Oldboy (for me the OG that started it all), Lady Vengeance ones, Burning, Thirst, Mother, Man from Nowhere.
Also love getting sucked into a Korean romance drama and welcome any recs as well! I’m not up to date on what’s hot right now but have enjoyed My Love from Another Star, Heirs, Scarlet Heart Ryeo (based on the Chinese Bu Bu Jing Xin)
Anon
For TV dramas, the currently airing Crash Landing on You. South Korean heiress meets North Korean soldier. Not very realistic of course, but so addicting and manages to be laugh out loud funny.
Anon
For Korean dramas, my SO and I have enjoyed Replay 1988 / 1994 / 1997 series, Love Alarm, When the Carmelia Blooms, and Sky Castle.
lsw
Have you watched the other Bong Joon Ho movies? I loved Snowpiercer (in English and not a totally Korean cast) and also The Host.
JuniorMinion
Seconding the rec for Snowpiercer! Really unique and interesting film. The pacing and the cinematography feels like Parasite (which I also saw and liked)
Anon
It’s old now, but for romance dramas, don’t miss Coffee Prince. I just caught up on it and found it charming.
Train
Train to Busan. It’s a great zombie movie (though probably only if you like the genre).
k-beauty lover
May I recommend Goblin: The Lonely and Great God? I believe it is on Viki as “Guardian”. It is one of my favorite kdramas ever! Also if you have not seen it yet, Train to Busan is a good movie (also starring Gong Yoo from Goblin).
Anon
Ji Young Kim, Born 1982. It’s a great movie that calmly narrates and is a pretty accurate portrayla of the oft-overlooked issues surrounding the status of Korean women that has sparked much debate in the last year.
Anon 4 this
Something happened at work and I’ve given it almost 2 months and its just not any better. I thought I could just push through and things would even out even if they didn’t really get better. But that’s not working. I’m miserable every day, I dread going to work, I cry in my office most days. I’m not in a position to just quit and I’ve spoken to a recruiter and applied to a couple jobs, but I think a job search could take quite a while (6 months plus, possibly longer). How do you know when you’ve reached the point where your job makes you miserable and there is no fixing it and you should just quit anyway even if that’s not financially a good idea.
pugsnbourbon
I’m sorry you’re going through this. If you’re crying in your office most days then something is definitely wrong.
It sounds like there was a single incident that precipitated these feelings. Have you been able to really talk this through and process it? A therapist could help with that if you haven’t tried it already. My therapist helped me survive a dysfunctional and toxic work environment until I was able to start a new job.
Keep talking to the recruiter, and don’t stop there. Kick your job search up a notch and cast a wider net, if you can. Reach out to your network. I know it’s hard when you’re feeling so drained from your day job, but it’s the way out. Hope you start feeling better soon.
anon
Sorry to hear you had a troubling incident. I’ve been in your shoes and you need to put some distance between you and the job – put the job in it’s place, in perspective – change your thinking to “this job is temporary, a means to and end so that I can get a paycheck that I need, I’m going to stay here and do what is required in order to get my paycheck until I find the next job”. Step up your job hunting at the same time.
Anokha
Can you go out on medical leave? *Hugs*
anon
*listens* I’m in your shoes too and I’ve been looking for six months but no luck. I’m getting so dejected and don’t know what to do. I’ve had a bunch of interviews but they’ve just gone nowhere (one employer even ghosted me after two interviews!). No good advice, just sympathy and commiseration.
Anon 4 this
Thanks, everything is just hard.
Anonymous
Would moving to a small town in the boonies that really needs someone like you help? Sometimes, it’s easier to find a job somewhere else if no one is hiring where you’re currently located.
May
I’ve been in exactly this situation and only moving worked.
I did however try therapy with good effects and also “reframe” my job as an unpleasant necessity towards monthly paycheck until I moved somewhere more tolerable.
The pain stays with me but at least I’m not going to that place where each day felt like I was rubbing salt in my own wounds.
Chicago In House Lawyer
I might be able to help you shift your mindset. I am an in-house lawyer with 25 years of experience (big firm, medium firm, in house). I am currently studying to be certified as a life and career coach. During my training, I am coaching for free. I would be happy to chat with you. We could take a look at what you have going on in your mind, and once we have awareness about that, work on changing it to something more helpful. I do free sessions on Sundays via Zoom.
Anonymous
Good morning! A few ladies here talked me out of trying undereye fillers as a substitute for concealer, which I could never master and always separates, settles into lines that otherwise aren’t visible, or looks cakey. I found a technique over the weekend that seems to work for me and thought I’d share, it’s very counterintuitive (for me):
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=i8hjArpLHf8&feature=youtu.be
Parfait
Wayne Goss is the best. I wish he were still doing as many tutorials as he used to. It’s been a ton of product reviews lately.
kk
I’m wearing this dress to a black tie dinner in a few weeks- what shoes would you wear with it? https://jaygodfrey.com/collections/sale/products/stone-gown?variant=29519276900455
Anonymous
Gold heeled sandals or pumps
Lily
A gold strappy sandal. I’d avoid black (too harsh, depending on your skin color) or nude-for-you (dated).
Senior Attorney
I agree — metallic for the win. And OMG what a great dress!!
Anonymous
Nude-for-you is dated? For real?
Anonymous
I’m sure this has been addressed before, but I’m failing at the search function at the moment. My inlaws beloved pet dog passed away this morning, unexpectedly (she was only 7). My inlaws are distraught, and my MIL was not even home when this happened, so she is driving back from where she was for the weekend. I really like my inlaws and genuinely want to be there to support them. I’m just not good (actually I am rather terrible) in situations like this. I want to focus on doing concrete things, but besides my husband being there to support his dad when the vet comes to get the dog (which we have already offered), what can I/we do? TIA!
AnonInfinity
When my beloved dog died, a few people made donations in her memory to a local rescue org. I thought that was very special and do the same for friends when their pets pass away.
anon
+1, my friend tracked down the rescue where we got our dog from and donated $25 in his name. It was so touching.
rosie
Sympathy card (you can get pet ones, but I also think a general card with a calming landscape type design is nice) + donation to an org if there’s anything that would be meaningful.
anonymous
When my cats passed away, I appreciated people just saying they were sorry – either in person or via email/text. I like the idea of making a donation to a rescue in memory of the dog. There are a lot artists that will do personalized portraits if they would like something like that.
Anonymous
I send flowers and a sympathy card to good friends when they lose a pet, and also make a donation to the rescue where they had adopted the pet if I know which rescue it was.
MJ
One other thing that could be touching–if there’s a great photo of the dog from social media, arrange to get it printed and framed, and send with a note saying that you know how much pet was loved, and loved them, and they’re in your thoughts.
And this is really woo-woo, but I swear it helped me (my dog was killed suddenly), my SIL had her dead dog send a postcard saying they were together and having a great time, and I swear–it really helped me feel like my doggo was at peace. Know your audience, obvi.
Anon
I am surprised at how saddened I feel about Kobe’s helicopter crash and the deaths of all those on board. Such a tragedy.
Lily
Conversely, while I agree it’s a tragedy, I am annoyed that the news of his death will take up so much media coverage that could (should) be directed at the impeachment trial, the Democratic primary, or any number of domestic or foreign current events. While tragic, there is no reason we need to talk about his death for the next week. But people love this kind of media coverage. It’s depressing.
Anon
This is kind of me. People die in car accidents every day and no one talks about them for more than a minute.
I’m also stunned that NONE of the media coverage I’ve heard has mentioned Kobe’s wife or other daughters. It’s great that you, media, are mourning your favorite basketball player, but there’s a family mourning the loss of their husband and father. It feels crass to me to focus on his fame and not even express condolences for his family.
Anonymous
What on earth coverage are you listening to? Every single thing I’ve heard has mentioned his family and the families of the other victims.
Anon
Actually almost all of the coverage I’ve seen has specifically mentioned condoloences to his wife (who they named) and some specifically about the daughter and how terrible it is to lose both of them at once. I’m not sure what you’re reading, the local news knows the wife isn’t watching so I don’t know why you’d expect it to focus on his family. But the personal posts of other celebs who actually knew him are very personal – Dwayne Wade posted a series of heart-wrenching videos in tears speaking about what their friendship meant.
anon
I’m not sure that’s actually happening? I have yet to read any recent article that doesn’t mention Vanessa and the other daughters.
Anon
Yeah I’m kind of the same way. I also find that the hero worship tends to lead to glossing over unfavorable things from the past, such as his sexual assault case and civil suit. It’s a tragedy and I feel awful for the family, though. No one should have to lose family young.
Anon
Same. Certainly a devastating loss for his wife, children, parents and close friends, but I don’t understand the idea that he’s some kind of national hero, particularly since he’s a rapist and started dating his wife when she was in high school.
I will say that between this and the Napali Coast helicopter crash a few weeks ago, I’m pretty sure I’m never getting in a helicopter again. Definitely not while my children are young.
Ribena
Most light aircraft crashes (this one included) happen in subpar weather.
I say that as someone who lost people I was indirectly connected with in a seaplane crash a couple of years ago (at the risk of outing myself – the crash in Sydney a couple of New Years Eves ago – it was the family my much loved favourite English teacher left behind after her death from cancer) which seems to have been in perfect weather. I totally freaked out the next time I got on a small propeller plane, but it was fine.
I also landed in a very horrible storm a couple of weeks ago and was pretty relieved that that’s the last flight I had planned for 2020.
Anon
Helicopters are much riskier than planes, even tiny planes. Hawaii sightseeing helicopters crash pretty regularly and they’re cautious about the weather and don’t go out in even borderline bad conditions. Agree that it sounds like the crash that killed Kobe was avoidable.
Go for it
+1.
anon
I’ve been so sad. I’ve been a Lakers fan since the 80s Showtime era (grew up in LA) and Kobe and I are the exact same age. I loved watching the finals in the early 2000s where he and Shaq killed it (even though they hated each other lol). RIP, my whole city is in mourning.
Anon
I am not sure people who are not basketball fans and/or did not live in Los Angeles during his career can quite grasp what he meant to the City of LA and to the sport. Los Angeles is definitely a city in shock. Kobe was so ever present and (to a lot of the black community in particular) such an icon.
And almost all of the mainstream media coverage I have seen at least mentions the rape charge and related civil lawsuit (although not necessarily in every single LA Times article/column since there was SO MUCH coverage about it today). With respect to his wife, I do not think anyone thinks there is much to report in his dating a 17-year old when he was 21.
Worry About Yourself
I don’t follow basketball that much. I know who he was, but it didn’t seem that sad to me. That said, I’m trying to find ways to show empathy both to people who are saddened by his death, and assault survivors who may feel triggered by so many people holding him up as an icon right now. I think a lot of people are processing complicated, intense, conflicting feelings right now.
Anon
Recs for a European city where we could do a ~3 day family vacation with a 2.5 year old toddler after my husband’s business trip to Scotland? Dublin and London are the obvious choices but I’ve been to Dublin and don’t have much desire to go back, and would prefer to save London for when our toddler is older and can do more of the museums and theater stuff. My top choice would be Amsterdam but my husband says that’s “boring.” (I think boring is sort of good for 3 days though, no?) This would be in July, so we’re both a little wary of the heat in Southern Europe at that time, and would prefer to save the Alps for when our toddler is old enough to hike. We have done all the Scandinavian capitals. I would love to do Norwegian fjords or Iceland Golden Circle but those won’t fit into this time frame. Suggestions?
Anon
Amsterdam or somewhere else in Ireland that isn’t Dublin. I liked Cork and some of the areas not far from there.
Ribena
I’d wait and see what travel between the UK and the rest of Europe is like after the end of this week before making any decisions – if you’re US citizens it will be easier but still not super straightforward potentially.
I’m biased but would suggest Edinburgh – it seems like there’s loads to do for the toddler crowd here.
Anon
Thanks! Edinburgh is actually where the business trip is, so we’ll be spending a whole week there (but my husband will be working, and we’d like to go somewhere afterwards for a family vacation). I’m old and traveled in Europe before the EU even existed :) so not hugely worried about the Brexit impact on travel, but will definitely not be booking anything immediately.
Ribena
There wasn’t the same volume of UK-Europe air travel before the EU either – I wouldn’t want to be working at some of the airports serving UK package holiday customers this summer and dealing with the inevitable queues to get through border control there.
If you’ll be going from Edinburgh it makes sense to look at where the direct flights are – ie you can fly to Amsterdam and Vienna direct but not Zurich (usually), for example. THere are only a couple of direct Vienna flights a week but if the dates work for you I’d totally recommend it. It’s a great city and there’s loads to do with small kids, I think.
Anon
Munich or Berlin might be alternatives, depending on what your husband finds boring about Amsterdam.
anon
was also going to recommend Berlin!
Anonymous
I’d fly direct to Portugal and stay at one of the Martinhal beach properties which are super family friendly but also chic. The one at the beach is in or near a nature reserve I think.
NYCer
This would be my pick too.
If you’re set on a city, I actually think Amsterdam is a great choice. You could also consider Berlin, or just do London now instead of when your child is older.
Anonymous
Just re-read and saw that you are looking for a city. I’d stay at the Martinhal property in Lisbon in that case. Early July will be hot but not unbearable.
Anokha
We did Amsterdam with our 2.5 year old toddler and it was great. Lots of biking, parks, and we went to the beach.
EM84
Berlin, Prague (depends how much you hate crowds), Budapest, Krakow/Wroclaw/Gdansk in Poland. Slovenia if it is not a too long flight for you.
anon
So I just bought this and don’t know how to style it. It’ll also be the first bodysuit I’ve ever worn. I’m not super fashiony and generally prefer low maintenance things. What kind of bottoms would you wear this with?
https://athleta.gap.com/browse/product.do?pid=511678002&pcid=999#pdp-page-content
Anon
What kind of occasion did you buy it for?
anon OP
Casual I guess? I can always return it, so if I can’t find a realistic way that it fits into my wardrobe, then I’ll just return it.
Mallory
I think the easiest option would be to pair it a wide leg pant, which would balance out the form-fitting top and show of the cool back for a night out. Or, maybe a pair of black jeans and boots, for some edge. :)
Anon
+1. I also like the idea of a cool flowy skirt (but I’m bad at fashion so take what I say with a grain of salt).
Anonymous
It’s a leotard. I wear it to dance class or Zumba when I’m feeling fancy.
Anon
Bodysuits are cool, but this particular one is hard to style – it’s too pretty to be cool, if that makes sense. I’d try again with a different option – check out J Crew or Urban Outfitters.
Anonymous
Anyone been to Bermuda in July? Is it super hot and crowded? We’d be coming from DC (so hot and humid) and would want to do some more exploring things rather than just beach days.