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We always see a ton of great advice in the comments on Corporette, and the other day, a reader who is a lawyer shared some excellent advice for people who have decided to get a divorce. She was inspired to offer her tips after seeing another reader's question on the topic.
Readers who have gone through a divorce, what advice would you share? What surprised you about the process — positive and/or negative aspects? If you have kids, do you have tips on helping them through the process?
Psst: If things aren't working out for your relationship, we've also discussed how to survive divorce financially and how to deal with changing your professional name after your divorce.
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Tips If You're Considering Divorce
Here's what this lawyer reader, A, wishes her clients would do:
This was her number-one tip: Before you tell your spouse you're considering a divorce, talk to an attorney. Prepare a list of your assets before you tell your spouse, including current account balances.
Don't make any big moves before talking to an attorney. The reader shared examples of self-help like locking your spouse out of the house, emptying joint accounts, and taking your kids or sending them out of state.
{related: changing your name after divorce}
Be realistic about what your divorce will mean, legally — and again, A recommended talking to an attorney to aid in this. She wrote that many of her women clients assume they'll be able to keep the family home, get primary physical custody of the kids, avoid paying alimony or child support, and/or force their spouse to move out, and so on.
And, as you can guess from her advice so far, A's final tip is: You should get a lawyer.
We'll quote her directly here:
Now obviously this does not apply to a couple of 22-year-olds with no children sharing an apartment with a lease that is about to expire. And it definitely does not apply to any situation where there is abuse going on (in which case PLEASE call the police both for your protection and because abuse allegations that come up for the first time well into a contentious divorce can be problematic). But for the demographic of this board, unless you have to leave now for your own safety, please, please, please talk to a lawyer FIRST.
{related: how to survive divorce, financially}
Further reading:
- Financial Tips and Advice for Women in a Divorce [MassMutual]
- 5 Critical Steps to Help Women Financially Prepare for Divorce [Kiplinger]
- Q&A: Navigating the new landscape of LGBTQ divorce [UCLA Newsroom]
- I'm a Mom and a Divorce Lawyer: Here's What I Wish All Parents Knew [Parents]
- 23 of the Best Nonfiction Divorce Books for Healing, Support, and Guidance [Book Riot]
Readers, please share: If you've gotten divorced or are going through a divorce now, what advice would you give to other readers? What lessons did you learn during the process, and what actions were you glad that you took? Any books or online support groups to recommend?
anon
I think is great advice, especially the warnings about self-help. I have been through a divorce (fairly amicable, no kids, few assets) and married a man who went through an absolute scorched-earth high-net-worth divorce with children, and my sibling is a divorce lawyer. I see advice to move money, change locks, etc. get thrown around here a lot and I shudder; you really need to be careful about doing all of that.
My personal advice is this: make a commitment to yourself to be the best possible version of yourself during the divorce process and in any dealings with your ex-spouse afterward. Especially if you feel your spouse has behaved badly, you will want to scream, badmouth him, be cruel in the way that only a person who knows someone’s inmost heart can be. You will want to destroy things that matter to him, slash pictures, call his friends and tell them his secrets, call his first post-divorce girlfriend a wh*re. You will want to do all those things, but don’t let yourself. It will feel good in the moment – and you may be right that he’s the worlds biggest d*ck with the world’s smallest d*ck! it’s entirely possible! – but so long as you’re wallowing in rage, he’s still taking up your time. The best revenge is not caring. Do everything you can to move on.
My other piece of advice is related to the above, in that failing to exercise emotional discipline makes it harder, but: do everything you can to separate your anger over the end of your relationship from proceedings related to custody of your children. The fact that your spouse walked out on you/cheated/wasn’t what you needed emotionally/whatever doesn’t mean your spouse isn’t a fit parent. For the sake of your children, focus on the quality of your spouse’s actual parenting and recognize that your children will be happier if they have a healthy relationship with both parents. That includes time with both parents – probably more time than you will want your ex to have – but it’s not about what feels “fair” to you, it’s about what is best for them. And that may include that your ex who really wronged you gets 50% custody, bc a sh*tty husband can still be a good dad.
anon
I will also add on my second point: when you’re trying to be honest with yourself about whether your spouse is a fit parent, remind yourself (as many times as necessary) that “does things differently than I would” and “unfit” are not the same thing. My sibling has heard claims that a dad was unfit due to failure to consider the merits of different sunscreen types (mom felt that anything other than mineral sunscreens involved dangerous exposure to chemicals), because dad let kids have a soda while watching a movie on weekends, because dad remarried to a trans woman, etc.
Emma
I generally agree with all of this. I went through a pretty amicable divorce. We also didn’t have kids, which helped, but the division of assets could have gotten nasty and fortunately did not. I think he was too proud to really fight and we both tried to be decent. That being said, I think the best advice is to plan ahead -(and definitely talk to a lawyer ASAP). Where are your important papers? What really matters to you? Will you be the one leaving and if so where will you live and what will you take? I spent 2 weeks in our guest room (horrible, horrible idea) then crashed a friend’s couch for 3 weeks and while she was lovely and welcoming it was too long. It took me forever to find an apartment and this was with a good job and decent savings. Also, do not change the locks or drain your joint accounts. Do not take your kids to another state without your spouse’s knowledge or consent. If you need to get away ASAP, don’t count on them leaving the house, have an exit plan. All of this is terrible advice that will cause serious legal issues. We basically froze all our assets until our divorce was final (which took more than a year despite being non-contentious, my state has a mandated separation period and then the courts were closed for COVID). I had a small stash of cash, two heirloom pieces of jewelry and a file of important documents that lived in a locked cabinet in my office for that year, and we fairly divided the rest. And in the spirit of being realistic – divorce is expensive. I didn’t spend a ton on legal fees and had a good income, but going from DINK to single meant money felt tight all of a sudden. I made a vow to myself never to be without an income because it would have been so incredibly hard if I hadn’t had money coming in.