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There are a lot of options for shoe shelves, but something about this one reminds me of the one I had under my desk for years at the law firm. We had big, covered L-shaped desks, and I mostly spent my working time facing either sideways or at the corner of the L — so when I found shoe shelves on sale one day at a random discount store on 14th Street, I decided they would be perfect to go on the inside floor of my desk. If you have a lot of pairs of shoes that live at the office, I highly recommend this method over the shoes-in-filing-cabinet method (which I've also used). This one looks nice, requires no tools for assembly, and is stackable if you have a lot of shoes (or more space). They're sold two to a kit, marked down from $30 to $22 (with free shipping on all Umbra products through 10/18). Readers, how do you store your shoes at the office? Umbra Bronze Carrie Stacking Shoe Shelf
Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off your purchase
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Save up to 40% on new markdowns
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – $29 and up select styles; up to 50% off everything else
- J.Crew – Up to 50% off wear-to-work styles; extra 30% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – 40-60% off everything; extra 60% off clearance
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
Some of our latest posts here at Corporette…
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
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- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
3L
Would someone please explain the logistics of having a ton of shoes at the office? I noticed this during callbacks and it blew my mind. What do you wear on the weekends? Do you have to ferry shoes back and forth if you wear your heels to happy hour?
Anonymous
A- yes, if you wear your office shoes out, you bring them back in
B- on the weekends, you either don’t wear your boring office shoes or you remember to take them home with you Friday.
Em
Some of us are boring and don’t wear heels (or even work appropriate flats) on weekends.
Miranda P.
Le sigh.
Em
Because . . . ?
January
See the handle: Miranda P, as in Miranda Priestly, of The Devil Wears Prada.
Em
Ah hah, thanks.
Anon2
Can’t remember the last time I wore heels on a weekend except for the one pair of black pumps I have at home and my nude go-tos for weddings.
Anon29
You need several pairs because you never know when or what you’ll need them for. I usually have one extra black pair in case the one I’m wearing breaks or is totally uncomfortable (which shouldn’t happen since you should have tried them on for comfort pre-purchasing). I usually wear heals when I’m working but might change into flats or sandals if I happen to park far from my building or need to walk somewhere during the day.
anon +45
I find it really odd that someone would need shelves for shoes at work. I’ve seen women commute on public transit in sneakers or flats & change into heels at the office, but that’s it. A whole wardrobe of shoes at work? Odd. (Of course, I work in tech where everyone, including most CEOs, has cubicles, so you’d only have a file drawer for your extra pair of shoes anyway.)
Anon
In my office (open plan) all the women have tons of shoes under their desks.
Charlotte York
I think it’s gross. There’s an associate at my firm who does this and her office smells like dirty shoes/feet. I commute in one pair of shoes and carry the shoes I intend to wear for the day. Even when I lived in Manhattan, I did not leave a closet worth of shoes in the office.
L2fly
I was worried about the ‘feet’ smell, but I only wear my heels to court then switch back into flats once I return to the office, so the occasional couple hours a day in a temperature controlled environment that my shoes get worn isn’t enough to stinkify them. Wearing the little nude footie socks (best. invention. ever.) also helps. I’ve got six pairs under my desk right now, with one off-white pair going home to be stored for the season.
Bonnie
Almost all of my heels live at the office and I have a 3 tiered shoe rack coming in the mail tomorrow. I commute in flats and we walk everywhere during the weekends so I wear flats or wedges. Since I have no need for work heels at home and have limited closet space, it makes more sense for me to just leave them at work.
Amy H.
+1. I walk to work (~2 miles) and commute in running shoes or little sneakers. I keep about 12 pairs of shoes at the office. I have a shoe cupboard (like a closed bookcase).
art
Have any of you bought real art before? I mean something besides a poster or even a print. I am (almost) to the place in my life where I can afford to do so, but don’t know where to start. Any recommendations? I generally know what I like in museums, but not sure how to translate that to something more affordable.
Hildegarde
I’ve just wandered around galleries until I saw something I liked and could afford.
Rory H
Recommend going to local galleries or even better, open studio events. Search online for open studios + your city or nearby big city or artsy small town. Great way to see lots of styles and usually meet the artists, who can often do something even more custom if you’d like. University art departments may also have student shows. Have purchased some incredible original art from student shows and studios.
tesyaa
Think about where you plan to hang it – size, color and pattern should mesh well with your room.
AnonLawMom
Yes, I have bought 3 that I love. We live near an artsy town with tons of galleries. After wandering through them for years, we just found our style and, happily, it worked for our budget. Take your time and make gallery hopping a weekend activity for a while before you commit to anything.
Anon
Yes, tons. I find a lot online through Pinterest and I buy indie artists I like. I also go to open studios and buy things I like there. I’m in a city with a huge arts scene so it’s not so hard to find and by no means stay limited to galleries. The trick is to buy only if you respond to the piece immediately. Don’t overthink it. You’ll always find a place for a piece you love – it’s amazing what walls can accommodate. I also don’t subscribe to decorating with art – if you choose what you respond to it should work and mixing classic with modern, etc is a great look in decor.
Boston?
Looking for a fun place to take my best friend for her birthday (she lives these, I don’t). Fun, not stuffy, great food, special. We’ve enjoyed Douzo and the restaurants at The Liberty Hotel in the past, Mistral was good for the food but too date night ish.
Anon2
Red Lantern or Nebo
Anonymous
Parla. It’s relatively new in the North End, great modern food and delicious cocktails. It’s small but fun.
Ellen
Yay! Coffee Break! I love coffee break and shoe’s! Lots of shoe’s! I can understand why peeople have many pair’s of shoe’s in the office. I have about 6 pair’s b/c I either get one pair wet while walking, I step in poopie, or the manageing partner or Lynn or Madeline tell me that my selection does NOT match my clotheing and I am headeing to court. By haveing many pairs, I have choices. I am NOT includeing here all the boot’s I have there when it get’s wet out. FOOEY!
As for the OP, yes, Art is an individual thing. I am in DC where there is alot of art to see, so you have to see what you like and start small, mabye with print’s like I have of the stuff in the National Gallery or the MOMA. I am a big fan of Jackson Pollack, b/c I think that it is so cool to splatter paint all over the place and get paid million’s of dollars for doing so. If I could start a second carreer now, it would be doieng that. But I am a PARTNER and would NOT do this b/c of all the skill’s I have built up.
The professor was so nice to me in class, and the student’s even were laughing at all of his joke’s. 2 guy’s came up to me and said that they never knew that other than the good wife lawyer, women lawyers could be as cute as me. One guy offereed to take me out to eat, but the professor said I was already taken! By HIM! YAY! At least some men appreciate me for my MIND! I just do not want him thinkeing he will be abel to date me now.
We are heading over to some place in Georgetown and then he is takeing me back to Amtrack. Thank god for WAN on my Ipad! YAY!!!!
Miss Behaved
Spoke in Davis Square? I love Silvertone, but it’s a little older. It still has great food and cocktails, though
locomotive
OOh I like Spoke. If you like wine bars (like Spoke), then Belly wine bar in kendall is also great. great charcuterie and cheese plates there too.
Anon
I absolutely love Bergamot in Inman Square. There are plenty of fun bars in that area for after dinner bar hopping if you’re into that, too.
Anon in NYC
I was recently in Boston and went to Mare in the North End. The seafood was amazing. It could veer into date territory a bit, but I went with friends and it was fun.
ETA – sorry this was meant to be a reply to Boston? above!
SallyStruthers
I’ve asked this question before but now that the time has come to make the decision, I thought I’d ask for a bit of guidance. I need to decide whether to change my name and am really torn. I feel strongly about continuing to go by Sally Struthers*…but also like the idea of a shared family name (and don’t want to hyphenate our hypothetical kids’ last name for a few reasons). So I’m debating becoming Sally Struthers-Lance but mostly going by Sally Struthers and just having the “-Lance” for when it suits me and/or when it’s easier for child-related things.
Is this a huge mistake? Am I going to turn into Sally Lance? Or Sally Struthers-Lance more than I’m foreseeing? Do I need to use Sally Struthers-Lance on all of my credit cards, etc–or can I keep Sally Struthers? Not sure how hyphenated names really work.
I’ll also say that I don’t want to change my middle name and really want to keep Struthers as part of my last name. I wish I could be Sally Struthers Lance (with two last names) but you have to hyphenate or combine them in NY.
Anything I’m not realizing? Thanks!
*all names have been changed to protect my internet identity :)
Anonymous
It’s actually not hard to have a different name from your kids. Really. Hospitals know this is a thing. If you change your name legally to Struthers-Lance to me you have the worst of all words. You won’t have kept your name. You won’t have the same name as your kids. Your name will be a constant “what am I called here” issue. Pick one and go with it. My money’s on Struthers. Why not give it to your kids as their muddle name if you’re that concerned?
SallyStruthers
I don’t think it’ll be hard so much as alienating. I don’t love the idea of having different last names, but I also don’t want to hyphenate and prefer my fiance’s last name for them (just like it better but also, I don’t care enough about the issue to deal with the flack I’d get for bucking convention–I know, lame). My feminist stance has more to do with me losing my identity rather than tacking something else on or passing the man’s name down.
But this thread is validating my fears so maybe I’ll stick with Sally Struthers.
Anonymous
Dude. You’re going to be “mom.” Your last name isn’t alienating.
Anonymous
Yeah, this is one of those points I struggle with. People kept telling me that they “wouldn’t feel like a family unit” or a “real family” if they didn’t all have the same name. I was sort of like…so, my mom kept her name, am I from a fake family? Is my family just a collection of random individuals instead of a family unit?
Sarabeth
This. Also, unless you live somewhere significantly more conservative than average, people will be used to kids having a different last name from their mother. It is very, very common.
Monday
Yeah, the “fake family” thing is hard for me as well. Am I somehow less married to my husband than I would be if I took his name? If so, is he less married to me in the same way because we don’t have one “team” name? Occasionally friends refer to us informally as the Mylast-Hislasts and that is where my personal warm-and-fuzzies come in. Unity without sacrifice.
Sarabeth
Wait, there’s another Sarabeth now?
SallyStruthers
I don’t think it’s a fake family (my own original family has a hodge-podge of names), just a different last name. It doesn’t feel very feminist to me to birth a child and then have it bear no resemblance to my own lineage…but I also don’t know that I care enough to give my kids a hyphenated name or to make enough of a point out of it to buck tradition and give the mother’s last name (because similar argument for my husband).
Sarabeth
I’ve used this handle on this site for at least a year. You’re the other Sarabeth.
Sarabeth
Sorry, I’ve posted on here as Sarabeth on and off for a while myself but probably only every few months so if you’re posting more than that, it’s all yours.
Monday
Second all of this. Also, yes, you will end up Sally Lance if you add your husband’s name on the end, no matter how you write it out. People and institutions alike simply want to deal with one last name–unfair but true. All of my friends who have tried to use both last names have de facto ended up with only their husband’s names. Sounds like you’re not ok with this outcome, you should leave your name as-is.
Anonymous
+1
buffybot
For the sake of argument, I have two last names — they’re not hyphenated. Not because I got married, but because my mother wanted me to have both of my parents’ last names.
It is a little annoying that I don’t always know whether someone will have entered me into a system as Last Name A or Last Name B. But where it matters (schools, professional life, etc), it has never been a problem. Sometimes people ask if they should use one name or another, and it’s been simple to say “I use both names, thanks.” End of story.
So you can really have two last names, but you have to stick with it. I have also not run into any problems having a different last name from my husband. We don’t have kids yet, though — which is a whole other layer of complication.
Cimorene
This was me. I tried being Cimorene Complicated Simple for about three years until I gave up. Neither my last name nor his was common or very easy to spell, and his is extremely short whereas mine was quite long. So I’d always have to spell both Complicated and Simple, and it just got much easier to be Cimorene Simple and only have to spell the short name. And I am still trying to remember whether I’m Cimorene Complicated or Cimorene Simple or Cimorene Complicated Simple at various pharmacies, doctors’ offices, my library card, etc…..
And then we had a kid who is Kid Simple, and that really just solidified that it is far far easier to just all be the Simples. If I had it to do over again, I would have done Cimorene Simple after the wedding, with Complicated as a middle name – that I can (and do!) still sign. Second choice would be staying Cimorene Complicated, period. But trying to do both last names was absolutely the worst of both worlds. If one or both names is really easy it might have worked, but neither was.
Anon
I decided to legally change my last name when I got married to husband’s but continue to use my maiden name professionally. My law license is in my maiden name. Illinois allows it with proof of a marriage certificate.
In general, it has been a huge hassle. On most things, I put both last names, no hyphen, without any issues to avoid confusion about the two last names, except at work where I continue to use maiden name. However, my work credit card has to have both last names on it, as do plane tickets booked for me by work since my passport has husband’s last name on it. It also becomes an issue any time I’m going into an embassy or meeting with government as they register me under maiden name but my passport is married name.
If I could re-do it, I wouldn’t have changed my name and would have just used his last name with children/household related correspondence.
SallyStruthers
This is really, really helpful–and sort of what I feared!
Monday Blues
+1 to Anon on this. I wouldn’t hyphenate.
Marise
Are you me? My husband loves to tell people he doesn’t know what my name is, which is kind of true. He goes to the pharmacy to pick up meds and doesn’t know whether to give my maiden name, his name, or whether they have done some wierd hyphen thing. Pain in the arse. But it makes for good stories.
Anon
So I haven’t faced this issue myself, but anecdata from friends suggests that the “I go by X in these situations and Y situations” route is not a great one. Confusing and lots of room for error. Just pick something and go with it.
SallyStruthers
I should add that I’ve also considered staying Sally Struthers but just not correcting people if they say Sally Lance at times when I don’t mind it (like “Billy’s mom Mrs. Lance” or something).
Anonymous
I don’t understand at all why you would just say. “Yup, Billy’s mom. It’s Struthers though.” Nothing wrong with letting people know what your name is and I don’t see men going by their wives names because it’s easier.
SallyStruthers
It wouldn’t be because it’s easier, it’d be because I like both hate the idea of losing my current name AND like the idea of sharing a name with my husband and kids. If it bothered me, I’d correct it. I kind of wish I could go by both without having it be complicated, but I know that’s ridiculous.
Monday
Sounds like your ideal would be your husband changing his last name to Struthers, and then using that for the kids too. Have you suggested this?
SallyStruthers
No, I don’t want to do that either. I don’t like my last name that much and the same reasons I have for not wanting to change my name apply equally to him. And I don’t like hyphenated names from an aesthetic perspective but don’t see the benefit to making him suffer as well.
rosie
My husband often doesn’t correct people when he gets called Mr. [mylast]. Sometimes it’s just not worth it (e.g., hotel desk clerk). I would probably correct someone in a friendly manner (as would my husband, I predict) if it was a person I would have an ongoing relationship with–“Yup, Billy’s mom, Sally Struthers, please call me Sally.”
Brit
This is what my mom did after her second marriage/divorce to my dad and I don’t think she had any issues. She’d get called by my last name (which is my dad’s last name) all the time, and this was after she and my dad had been divorced for 5+ years, but it’s not like she ever had an issues where somebody looked at her and said “is this your kid, cause your name is different?” It’s much more common anymore.
Anon
Before the internet I think there was a much bigger risk of losing your professional identity. Now, you can change your name and keep your old one associated with your linkedin profile (and if that goes away someday I’m sure something will replace it). I used to feel very strongly about keeping the name I built my career with and these days? Not so much. Back when the only way to find Sally Struthers was through old-school asking around, this was a worry. These days it’s pretty easy to keep Struthers associated with Sally even if she goes by Lance. So do what you want to do – if you want to be Team Last Name with your husband and kids, go for it. And romantic reasons for doing so are valid. Don’t let people make you feel differently.
Anonymous
I recently went through this decision and kept my name. I talked about it with so many people, because so many people were grilling me on whether I was going to change it. People have strong opinions on this and I sort of…didn’t have a strong opinion. So I kept it.
I just wanted to point out that every person who mentioned the “What about the children?!?! No one will know you’re their mom! Think of the logistical nightmare!” argument had changed their name, or was planning to. Everyone who kept their name basically said what Brit said – it’s 2014, people are used to women keeping their names, no big deal. They said they’d had an issue maybe 5 times in their kids’ whole lives, and they just kept a half sheet of the kid’s birth certificate folded in their wallet just in case.
To be fair, I live in a part of the country where keeping your name is more common, so your polling results on this point might vary.
Also, this isn’t a permanent decision. You could keep your name for a while, and change it when you have kids (if you still want to).
SallyStruthers
Right, I don’t think it’ll be a logistical problem to have a different name from my kids. I just sort of like that we’d be the Lance family–even if I didn’t want to fully be Sally Lance. Perhaps that’s old fashioned, but I like that idea and want the best of both worlds, I guess.
Jen S. 2.0
To me, Mrs. John Lance is whoever is married to Mr. John Lance, even if her name is Sally Struthers. You’re still the Lance family, even if you have people within it with different names. If your daughter got married and changed her name, would she stop being part of your family? Or is she still part of your family, but with a new name now?
SoCal Gal
I did not change my name when I got married. When we had our son, we gave him my last name as his middle name. Now, 23 years later, it is clear that this was a great way to go.
Everyone, including teachers, doctors etc, are completely used to different last names, which can occur for a variety of reasons, or they don’t pay any attention at all and called me Mrs. Husbandlastname. I decided I would not bother correcting anyone like a teacher or someone who had no need to remember the different last names. It was no big deal. My son’s friends often called me Mrs. Husbandlastname and I also never said anything. My closer friends knew and would tell their kids to call me Mrs. ActualLastName.
And best of all, my son told me recently he loves his middle name and is very happy to have been named the way he was, which is great since I was afraid he might have hated it because it was “weird.”
When I got married, it never occurred to me to change my name as that’s who I was both personally and professionally and I had been a lawyer for more than ten years. My husband was and always has been 100% supportive. In fact, he has often corrected people who called me by the wrong name when I did not bother to do so.
SallyStruthers
That raises another question–could I still be Mrs. Struthers if I wanted to be? Or would I have to be Ms. Struthers? I can see wanting both in different contexts.
Also, does anyone know if it’d be hard to name our child William Robert Struthers Lance? Or would it have to be William Struthers Lance?
Maddie Ross
I think (and this is just me) that you would have to be Ms. Struthers, not Mrs. Struthers based on historical use. I kinda wish they would just get rid of the “Mrs.” distinction altogether though.
NYNY
You can be anything you choose, really. People may try to impose titles and last names on you, but it’s your choice. Be “Mrs. Struthers” if that’s what you want.
Cautionary tale: My sister half-assed changed her name when she got married by adding husband’s name as second last name, using maiden name professionally and using both or husband’s socially. Then they moved to a new state and she discovered not every state has the same rules about last names on ID. She had to drag a toddler to court to file an emergency name change so she could register her car before the inspection ran out. The moral is, if you don’t make a definite choice, sometimes the world makes it for you.
last name
My siblings and I all have “firstname middle1 middle2 lastname” neither of my middle names are “real” names, they’re family names and I love that. Middle2 is my mother’s maiden name, which she kept and it’s the same for all of us. Middle1 is unique to each of us. We all tend to use middle1 more, particularly for initials, but I think we all like it.
I tried to do the opposite when I got married and change my last name in our personal life but continue to be maiden name at work and it is failing miserably. Too much crossover. My bank account is changed, but then I couldn’t deposit my work checks, in my old name, so I changed it for checks but the name on my door is the same so sometimes I don’t get my paycheck.
We’re not having kids, but I know it’s not an issue because my mom had a different name. However, things did get confusing sometimes, she had credit cards in both names and it was rarely a problem but every once in a while she would try to use the one with the name not on her id and wouldn’t be allowed to do so.
Bottom line, if you’re going to do it, let your maiden name be your legal name and just go by his last name when you feel like it.
(Semi-amusing side note, after I was all full grown, my mom realized that the ssa still had her first married name, neither her maiden name nor my dad’s name. Oops!)
Lyssa
I didn’t change for a long time, I guess for pretty much the same reasons that you are hesitant – didn’t want to lose my identity, liked my last name, etc.
Finally, after 8 years of marriage though, I just bit the bullet and did it. I’m really happy that I did. It wasn’t a big deal to have different last names (it almost never came up), but I really like that we’re one family unit of last nameage, and, now that we have a kid, I definitely would not want to have a different last name from the rest of the family. No, it’s not impossible to deal with, but it just seems kind of . . . off. Alienating is probably a good way to put it.
Looking back, my hesitation seems pretty dumb. I didn’t lose my identity; it’s just a name. You get used to it pretty quickly. My preference would be that we all just combine names at marriage (that Mary Smith and James Jones become the Smones), but, if that’s not going to happen, I think that just changing it the better move. It really is just a name.
Em
But you don’t understand that some people feel that because it’s “just a name” maybe it’s okay that they keep their own “just a name”? This is a weirdly normative comment about something you’re saying doesn’t matter.
Lyssa
She asked for advice about something that she was concerned about – I explained that I was concerned about it too, but then I realized that it really wasn’t something to be concerned about. Obviously, I understand that people feel differently, but when a person asks for advice, I assume that they want, you know, advice.
Also, “weirdly normative comment”? What in the world does that mean?
Em
It means, to me, your comment read like you were making general statements about how everyone should feel – “you get used to it pretty quick”; “I think that just changing it is the better move;” it really is just a name” – for something that you’re also saying doesn’t matter.
Maddie Ross
I did add my husband’s last name to mine and use both maiden and new last (so really am Maddie Ross HisLastName), but kind of along the same lines as Lyssa, your concern that you might default to becoming “Mrs. Lance” over time (a) may actually happen, and (b) not bother you at all. My maiden name falls out a lot the time anymore, but over the last 10+ years, it bothers me less and less. Part of it is having a child. Part of it is being married for so long. Part of it is just ease of use and being tired of explaining.
ELL
I think you’re on the mark to question the tacit assumption that a last name is deeply tied to one’s identity. For some people it is, for others not. I took the last name of my husband and felt no loss of my self. My self is constituted by my career, relationships, history, knowledge, loves and many other things. And I don’t think of my self as a static thing. This observation does not serve to recommend taking another name; that’s a decision for each to make. But no one should assume that taking a partner’s last name necessarily means losing one’s identity.
Min Donner
My husband has a hard to spell last name and a fraught relationship with his father (who has not spoken to him since we got engaged, as I did not meet the father’s ideal of a wife – with his superior knowledge having had at least 3 of them), and I have a very common last name. I am also in my mid-30s with a career and degrees, so changing my name professionally was never on the table as far as I was concerned. We generally use my last name for hotel bookings, etc., and my husband is happy to not be spelling his last name. He has talked about changing his name to mine if/when we have kids, but we haven’t made that decision yet. I think the bottom line is, do what works for you. Theoretically, my idea was always, if I have kids, I’ll add his name to mine as an additional name, but never a hyphen. That way I can be Ms. X, and Mrs. Y, and anything in between. It’s my understanding that if they’re all your legal names you have some leeway about what you use where, but that may vary by venue. In any event, good luck :-)
Muppet
I changed my last name and just dropped my maiden name when I got married. To me, the whole point of the last name is to identify your family unit, and I wanted to identify with my husband more than with my parents. I realize this is completely my personal opinion and others feel more attached to their maiden name than I did. But I don’t need 3 names to capture my personal identity — my first and middle name do that thoroughly — and for me, the last name is functional. Just my two cents!
AN
I didn’t change my name when I married and my son recently discovered that. He is 7. His response….
Well, I would like to be Firstname Mama’slastname Dad’slastname as I am half of each of you.
He didn’t find it surprising or alienating that my name was different.
SallyStruthers
That’s awesome! To be clear, I meant alienating to me if I end up being the only Struthers and non-Lance in the family. Another way to do it is to name the kids Firstname Struthers Lance…but I’m not sure I want to do that either.
Monday Blues
Anyone have suggestions for a cure? Gratitude for being gainfully employed isn’t going very far today.
Anonymous
Tea.
Anon in NYC
pancakes.
Monday Blues
With bacon, naturally…
Brit
And eggs on top to make it a smiley face. Your meal is happy to see you :-)
emeralds
Liquor.
Becky
Where’s Shots when you need her?
Shots. Shots. Shots.
I’m great for when your Monday involves slamming your finger in a door and seeing your ex, like, totes walking around in public not looking outwardly like scum, but I’m a bit aggressive as a solution to Monday afternoon cloudy day blahs.
Monday Blues
I’m in litigation….excessive aggression and substance abuse would fit right in! Not really me, though. Maybe that’s part of my problem.
cavity maker
I have an emergency stash of chocolate at the office. Sometimes that helps me.
Monday Blues
Yes indeed, I want all the chocolate!
Hildegarde
While I agree with the food and drink suggestions, I sometimes think on Mondays how grateful I am to have family and friends with whom to spend weekends, a city I enjoy, a job that allows me to have weekends (mostly) off, and the money to do activities I like. It sounds cheesy, but Mondays wouldn’t be such a bummer if weekends weren’t so great, and there are a lot of factors that go into making a good weekend. Not everyone has all these factors, and there have been times in my life when I didn’t have all of them either, so being sad on Mondays because the weekend is over is kind of good.
Anon
No cures. Just allow yourself to feel bad. Its okay to mope when things don’t seem right to you. Just bounce back soon. Don’t feel pressured to always be happy.
Monday Blues
Thanks! Self-acceptance is hard. As is drawing the line between normal ups and downs (in a very cyclical, high-pressure work environment) and fundamental problems that must be fixed (see missing/coveting most items on Hildegarde’s well-meaning list).
Min Donner
Mondays typically are less than ideal, but come right after a weekend, so I pack them with activities that I might be more prone to flake on later in the week (i.e., art class), and I fill the time between normal end of work and class with an “enriching” activity… either a run with my colleague who also has an evening class, or drinks and tapas with same colleague. Sometimes you just have to force yourself to go have fun. It’s like working out… you never regret it, no matter how willing you were to talk yourself out of it!
Shoes Help!
All, I need help deciding which shoes to wear to a wedding. I’m wearing a navy dress and either the “tan cinder” or “grey cloudburst” halogen diamond stitch wrap since it’s a New England fall wedding. I’m not a big shoes person, so my options for closed toed would be black (which looked too jarring), blush, or a now-too-dark-beige-for-pale-me nude shoes. I’m thinking I really need new heels. What color do you suggest?
Also, do you think a wrap is enough for 55-65 degree weather or do I need a cardigan of some sort? The wedding is indoors.
Anon
If you wore the grey wrap I think a bright orange shoe could be fun. With either color wrap burgundy/maroon/deep red shoes would work well, especially for fall and winter. Also I’ve been in love with camel colored leather shoes/bags of late, and that might be a good neutral to add to your shoe wardrobe.
Pat
Shoes: How about something in the gray tone. It would look good with the navy dress or your pale feet. You may also match your wrap.
Wrap: I don’t think a wrap will do unless you tend to like cold weather. A cardigan will not highlight your dress….if its an indoor wedding then a wrap is okay. If outdoors then I would probably find a nice, tailored coat and wear it over my dress with the wrap.
Mpls
Well, what kind of weather are you used to, and is 55/65 the high or the low?
In MN, I would totally be okay with just a wrap for an indoor wedding. They only time you are outside is back and forth to the car, right? Shoe-wise? I totaly wore nude, toe-baring strappy sandals with a black dress this past weekend and it was definitely colder than 50.
Ridiculous suit jacket question
Is it possible to sew a suit jacket back vent closed? I bought a suit to wear probably once a year, as my only suit (macys Calvin K EveryDay Value). I was pretty pleased with how it fit-not tight at all. Got it home and removed the jacket’s center vent tacking/ stitching- and without this, the vent now spreads open when I button the jacket! Too much junk in the trunk! Can I restitch it closed invisibly or did I buy a suit for Goodwill? TIA..(tags are off- it’s mine now)
Maddie Ross
I think you could reasonably tack it back shut with a stich in the same color as the suit, or have a tailor do it for you. I think the key would be to not re-do it in the bright white X that is usually there when purchased.
Basics
Please try it on for a really good tailor. If you sew it up yourself, it will look as if you don’t know that vents are supposed to be opened when you buy the jacket. A good tailor will be able to tell you what can be done (whether there is a way to sew it up that looks OK or maybe a way to alter another part of the jacket so that it falls properly).
Anonymous
Then it doesn’t fit! Just return it.
tesyaa
I think Macy’s might take it back even with the tags off, if you’ve got the receipt. Worth a try.
Mountain Girl
I think any tailor could do this pretty easily. Depending on how formal you need this suit to be, you could add some fabric and make it more like a pleat instead of an actual vent. I don’t have a jacket as an example but I do have a pencil skirt like this. You won’t be able to match the fabric so unless you are really formal you are going to have to have a contrast and that might draw more attention to your backside. But the dress this morning seemed to be all about that peek on the back side so it might be something to think about.
anon for this
Someone posted something similar to this last week, but my situation is somewhat varied. I work in biglaw in a city but am strongly considering transferring to an office in another city, where I went to law school. It would involve sitting another bar exam. Unlike last week’s poster, I do not have a significant amount of work from this office, but they do work that I am interested in getting into much more than other offices. I don’t know who to talk to if this is even an option, and am hoping some of you ladies in biglaw might have some insight. Adding to it, that I have seen others transfer offices, but usually they are making a decision as a family, and I somehow feel like the decision as a single associate carries less weight. My reasons for transferring are mostly personal; I feel like I have no network here, nothing keeping me here, and if I’m unhappy, I should do something about it. Thoughts?
Anon
Do it. You’re unhappy where you are and you deserve happiness regardless of your relationship status. I went “part time/80%” (which I wouldn’t recommend for other reasons) as a single, childfree, big law associate. Ultimately you get one life. Make it a good one. And do what’s right for you. While you’re at it, contact a recruiter in your desired city in addition to figuring out your current firm’s politics.
anon for this
I’m thinking that. But I don’t even know *who to ask within the firm without ruffling any feathers — or if it will even ruffle any feathers!
Anon
There must be someone you trust who can help you figure that out at your firm – start there.
Anonymous
I moved to a different office in my firm (to shorten my commute). No one in my group works in this office. I approached the partner who I do 75% of my work for, and he was supportive. He then cleared it with the head of my section. I have spoken with two other associates (in different practice groups) who wanted to transfer to my current office and both were told no. I think I was able to because (1) I work in a small group so not a lot of people to weigh in on the decision; (2) the primary partner I work for has a lot of clout; and (3) I bill tons of hours and have a reputation for doing good work.
Irritating fight
Please help me wade through an argument with my husband. We’re getting tight, financially, after just having bought a car. We agreed 2 months back we would scale back.
I just found out he spent a few hundred dollars in clothes last week. (Found the box underneath an old coat of mine in the garage- wasn’t trying to bust him.) When I asked him about it, he lied at first. When I called him out, he said he didn’t want to deal with the lecture and that’s why he didn’t tell me.
What’s worse- he then brought up my grad school debt. While it’s a degree that’s allowed me a great job that I would never have gotten otherwise, my husband today said it wasn’t worth the debt, that even if I made half as much but without the debt we would be better off.
Now. I make more than twice as much as he does- in fact, he’s only contracting now.
I am enraged, honestly. It’s boggling my mind that he’s comparing my grad school debt to his indulgences, especially because he couldn’t buy most of these things were he on his own and on his own income. He spends a lot more on outdoorsy stuff, hobbies, and at least for the last few months, on clothes. I on the other hand have tried to be frugal. So I feel like because he can’t call me out on spending, he’s pointing to school debt. Debt that’s helped me get the degree that gave me the job that’s afforded him a number of indulgences. I don’t know how he equates those indulgences with an education, and I would just like your perspectives on this.
(I should clarify- I did not nag him before today on spending. I’d thought we were generally on the same page, and didn’t mind that in the past he’d spent more than me on fun things. It’s only now that we’re getting stretched and since he lied that I’m getting a different attitude about his spending.)
Anonymous
My perspective is that you two are not on the same financial team and you should get counseling to deal with this before it is a bigger issue.
Because it sounds like you are both wedding to your world views and you need not to be. Maybe your loans are a huge psychotic all burden on him. Maybe you shouldn’t have bought the car. Maybe you need to set up automatic payments and savings so you can both see how much you have left to spend.
But whatever it is you need to approach it from a “we clearly need better tools to deal with our finances” not. “You did this wrong.”
AnonLawMom
Your loans are done. There’s nothing to debate at this point. You can only control what you spend going forward, so comparing his clothes to loans is just illogical. I’d let the loan conversation go completely. It’s not productive.
He’s clearly feeling defensive because he got “busted” and he’s probably just generally annoyed that it is this big of a deal if he buys a few items of clothes. Agreeing to “scale back” means different things to different people, and it sounds like this is the root of your issue. Se be concrete. Let him calm down and then discuss setting up a budget that includes an equal amount for each of you for non-necessities. Put that amount each month into a separate account and then let him decide how he wants to spend it so you don’t have to play the enforcer role. If you can’t agree on a budget, that’s the time to outsource the problem to an advisor/counselor but I think you should save the time and money for now and just try to deal with it.
OP
Thank you so much for your perspective, and for your advice. So – apologies for focusing on perhaps a petty point – am I wrong that it is way out of line for him to equate my school debt (and I attended while we were married) with his spending on “fun” things?
Anonymous
That’s the whole point though. Marriage isn’t about being right. You got an experience you wanted, a degree you wanted, and a great job. He got a whole pile of debt and a spending plan that means he can’t buy things he wants. It’s not about which financial choice is better or if you’re wrong or he is wrong.
anon
You’re right that you’re focusing on a petty point. The problem is not whether he was “right” or “wrong” to equate the two, the problem is that you both need to see both sides. He obviously didn’t think it was wrong and that’s important information for you.
Myself, I’d be more concerned with the hiding and lying, why is he buying new clothes he can’t wear?
Either way, I get the feeling you came here because a large majority of us have decided that the student loan debt is worth it and would therefore “be on your side.”
You need to have a reasonable rational conversation with him, barring that you should both sit down with a financial counselor, and either way, focusing on who’s right and who’s wrong will end you up in a divorce faster that you can believe.
Former Partner, Now In-House
My first husband lied about spending all the time. (Used to buy really expensive sports equipment on credit and hide it at his mother’s house in the suburbs, where he could use it without city-living me seeing it.)
My now/real/good husband is totally up front and on the same page with me about money.
Make of that what you will.
Irritating fight
Oh to be sure I am more concerned about the lying, and I said as much to him. But then he brought up the point about the school debt and I felt blindsided.
I should add that for 2 of the past 4 years he was unemployed.(Did everything around the house, however.) And now he’s contracting and the money he’s making would not remotely afford him the things he buys-it’s my income that enables that. That’s why it seemed so out of line to bring up the debt that’s given me the very job that’s allowed him to spend as he has.
Anon at 6:11, I can see why you’d think that. It’s actually opposite, however. I was hoping I was wrong because I love him and would like to resolve this. But I don’t want to be a doormat. So that’s why your takes are so helpful. (And they really all are.)
Anonymous
So you do resent him living off your money then. And he does resent your debt. Counseling.
Irritating fight
I didn’t at the time but I certainly do now. After supporting him to hear, now, complaints about my debt when he finally did get a job, I feel hurt. I never threw it in his face at the time. And the thing that doesn’t make sense is that he’s doing and buying the fun things now bc of my income, not his. Were he single and on his income alone, he’d barely break even, let alone spend the way he does now.
But yes, counseling for sure.
Anon from 6:11
Well, take anything I say with a grain of salt. My husband is travelling and he called and asked me very abruptly if I turned off maps on his phone. Of course I did not (can you even do that?) and I said so, somewhat laughing. But I wanted to help so I asked him what was happening, i.e. is it crashing, error message, etc? He hung up on me. Over an hour ago. I’ve called twice, went to voice mail both times, left 1 message. Nothing.
The irritating part is that I’m not even surprised. And when he does finally call, he’ll probably be mad at me for not taking his problem seriously enough. In the meantime, I don’t even know if he managed to find the hotel yet.
Sigh. HUSBANDS.
Anonymous
Sigh. ASSHOLES. And the women who marry them.
anon from 6:11
Well, thanks for that anon at 7:51, way to make this a helpful and supportive commenting space.
For the record, he’s literally the nicest least asshole-y person I’ve ever met, but he did get frustrated after driving more than 10 hours for a work thing he didn’t want to attend, and driving through LA (hellA) and getting lost because his relied – upon map app wasn’t working.
It irritated me that he was rude on the phone, and I was frustrated that he didn’t call me back to let me know he was ok, but he’s still not an asshole.
Actually, it occurs to me that a larger point is that nobody and no relationship is always perfect. I’ve snapped at him before, and I’m sure I will again, he’ll be rude on the phone again too, it happens and it’s not worth throwing away a generally outstanding relationship. We agree on the big things, money, kids, family, religion, and work/life balance.
For the OP, just know that nobody has all the answers.
a lawyer
I am single, so take this with a grain of salt, but if I had been unemployed for two years, living off someone else, I would be completely unhappy and stressed over the financial situation. Cut him some slack. But if the lies continue, get counseling and take a hard look at your marriage. My mom was married to years to my dad, who got us into a pile of debt and could not tell the truth. There were definitely two sides to that story, much of the debt was an effort to make my mom happy, but it is very difficult to live with someone who lies constantly about financial matters.
layered bob
Bringing up the debt sounds like a thing my husband or I would say when we are embarrassed about being “called out” for our spending.
You are technically correct that your school debt is not the same as “fun” spending, but it sounds to me like you have to decide whether it is more important to you to be angry at him or to work on your relationship. If he “didn’t want a lecture” and didn’t feel like he could tell you, you are not on the same page in your marriage and you need to focus on that, not on what he said or didn’t say out of embarrassment and frustration when you “caught” him.
Also, use YNAB.
Anonymous
What’s WHBM sizing like for pants, compared to BR or AT?
In House Lobbyist
I’m an 8 at AT and a 6 at WHBM. Even the WHBM “shorts” length still need hemming but the 8 Petite at AT fits me great. I’m 5’3 and usually wear heels if that helps.
On-and-on-anon
I am a freelancer who will be attending a business luncheon at the 21 Club in New York in order to network and meet potential clients in the financial services industry. I did work in a support function in financial services quite a few years ago, but I’ve been freelancing at home for years and at this point my travel/conference wardrobe is mostly droopy travel knits so it’s time for a new jacket and pants. I’m 50 years old and a short plus size, and a lot of jackets make me look like Angela Merkel or Kim Jong-Un. Or if they have regular lapels, I look like Joe Pesci, so I tend to avoid that style.
I’ve identified some navy jackets, but was hoping to get opinions on two questions.
a) Is the inverted notch trend too trendy for this sort of luncheon? More importantly, is it over?
b) I vastly prefer the fabric and styling of the less expensive Jones New York jacket to the Misook jackets. I don’t like the waist details on the inverted-lapel jacket, and the plainer one reminds me of Angela Merkel. Is the Jones New York jacket okay? I don’t know why they describe it as denim look.
These are the jackets in question. I’ve ordered all three to try (hurray free shipping!).
Jones New York – http://bit.ly/ZXcIEg
Misook w/ inverted lapels – http://bit.ly/1tXC2kW
Misook w/ no lapels – http://bit.ly/1p7bD2C
Opinions?
I'm Just Me
I like the style of the Jones NY jacket, but the fabric is definitely denim in appearance in that photo. Like an updated jeans jacket.
close, no cigar
Agreed. The structure of the JNY is good but the fabric is too casual. The Misook fabrics look like they might end up being another “droopy travel knit” in your closet.
On-and-on-anon
Thanks for the feedback, ladies. Much appreciated.