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- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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Bathroom over-the-mirror light?
I have a 3-light over-the-mirror light in my bathroom. I had to change a bulb today at the end and as soon as I got the glass cover off of it the other side pivoted down and wacked me in the head, and then I bumped the glass cover on the vanity and it fell on the floor and shattered. I am done with this light. It is dead to me.
Does anyone have one (# of lights doesn’t matter) that they love? That you can change the bulbs in without chaos? Chrome would be nice.
Ugh.
anne-on
We have and like this – the shades pop off easily and you can just screw in the base. It comes in single and double styles. In general I find RH has really nice lights for the cost.
https://www.restorationhardware.com/catalog/product/product.jsp?productId=prod2991050&categoryId=cat10160027
Anon
This is so pretty
Anonymous
Look for a fixture where you don’t have to remove the shade to replace the bulb. All of our bathroom fixtures have glass shades that are open at the bottom so you can just screw the bulb right in.
I have had the best luck ordering light fixtures through electrical supply houses. The selection tends to be larger than is available through a big home improvement store.
Anon
What style is your bathroom? Though if you really love a lamp that has a hard to remove shade, if you use LEDs I bet you won’t have to change the bulb for like 15 years.
Anonymous
It’s bungalow-ish — from the 1920s except for some unfortunate 80s era remodeling. Current light is now permanently missing a glass shade.
Anon
Shades of Light has great stuff, but you can probably find them cheaper if you reverse image search. https://www.shadesoflight.com/categories/retro-schoolhouse-restoration-bath-lights?number_of_lights%5B%5D=3+Lights
Anonymous
OP here. The light that attacked me is on that site — nooooooo!
Anon
Not sure if it’s the look you’re after, but there are a number of lighted mirrors/medicine cabinets that are LED edge lit. I’ve seen a few in the wild and the look pretty nice.
anon
I was in a meeting yesterday and it was derailed by someone who started espousing his solution to the problem I was presenting on. I did not get to finish my presentation. He is a customer/overseer to this project and while his opinions have to be taken into consideration, the way I’ve seen it play out is that he is proven wrong or people acquiesce to him and proceed with bad plans because they can’t get him to change his mind. There are exceptions to that I think.
I was not expecting his presence or input in this meeting, and the actual host of the meeting didn’t know what to do. Instead of letting me finish, the host said that as there were multiple items on the agenda she was going to move on and defer me to some date in the future “when I had more information” to present.I had information, but again, didn’t get a chance to finish. I got the meeting minutes after and saw that everyone else who had presented their issues at board that day got conditionally approved on their funding requests, pending providing more information. My project simply said get more information and come back.
I was yesterday and am still livid this morning. I was walked over and my presentation shut down. I was so shocked at the time I couldn’t figure out how to fight back in a professional and respectful fashion (he is a ‘customer’ and uses that to his advantage). Today I have to figure out how to quickly get enough information to go back to the meeting, explain to him why his idea will or won’t work, and then get my original project back on track.
What I need is some commiseration or encouragement, and advice on whether I should approach the host of the meeting and talk to her about what happened that day. A colleague present in the room (I had conf called in) said everyone in the room also looked shocked at his behavior.
I feel like the meeting host didn’t have my back, and in the big picture no one has my back at this company. I’m in a career level position at a secure job, so walking away isn’t on the table yet, but I need some advice on how to advocate for myself and my project. Maybe this is a learning opportunity. Maybe this is entirely patriarchal BS and there’s nothing I can do. I ultimately need to be able to talk through the entire pitch at the meeting and I need the support of the host to do it I suspect. I’m not great at advocating for myself or confronting people calmly and constructively (that being said, I don’t yell or cause a scene, I just don’t confront).
Any advice or lessons learned from similar experiences?
Anonymous
You can’t pull rank here because you don’t have rank to pull. Let the person be wrong. Let him own this. Move on to something else where you can make a difference.
This is like . . . me trying to tell a judge that he is wrong. My argument is not with him once he has ruled. I can appeal and explain it there, or let the client decide if they even want to spend the $ on that (being right may come at too high of a cost).
When you run the word, you can run it differently.
Anonymous
Is there anyway you can attend the meetings in person sometimes? I find this kind of thing is way easier to happen if someone is on the phone.
In the moment, things like “Jim, that sounds like an interesting approach to explore. I’ll finish up with set out how our current proposal works and definitely follow up with some additional info on the approach you’re suggesting.” And then continue with your presentation. In person makes this way easier because you can make eye contact as you are acknowledging his point, and then turn away to point to the powerpoint presentation or whatever type of presentation you are doing. No real advice for how to take control again in a conference call so interested what others have to say.
Anonymous
I think in the moment you need to be able to say “BobSteven, I’m going to finish my presentation then address that.” No one is going to fight that fight for you.
Anon
+1–this is exactly the strategy my boss explained to me when we were prepping a presentation with an always-difficult person attending. Then I watched him do it, and it worked well. He even scribbles a fake note to show he has heard their question.
Veronica Mars
Don’t beat yourself up for being blindsided in the moment- that’s always hard. For future meetings, I’d come up with a stock line like, “Thank you for your feedback, but I’m going to continue my presentation which addresses some of your concerns.” Or, “I’m going to finish before we take any questions or comments.” And then, this is key for me, I literally just keep going/talking/etc. I talk over them. I do not stop talking over them until they stop/run out of steam (30-seconds usually does it). And/or repeat my line with my hand up. Then keep going.
Anonymous
IDK — If I were the customer, and my hired people were talking over me, that would be infuriating. This would be OK for random audience knuckleheads (I think we can recall those people from school who just monopolized class time; that is when the teacher can just say and hold to: I will take questions at the end, time permitting; but it is clear that the teacher is running a class; it is not as clear with this).
Anonymous
The hard part about this is that you were on the phone. That’s a really hard dynamic, and it’s very difficult to regain the floor when you’re not in the room. Was he in the room, or also on the phone?
Also . . .use your anger to move you to action on this, since you ordinarily don’t take action.
But . . . don’t globalize your anger into everything that’s ever been wrong at this company and all the stuff “They” have ever done to you or haven’t done for you. That won’t serve you well in solving the issue in front of you right now.
Anon
I think what helps me is to build them up and compliment their ideas and then compare it to yours in a way that you stress similarities. Like point A is great and makes lots of sense, but I’ve seen point B work really well versus your point C. So you appear to be thoughtfully considering and incorporating his idea.
I think you can bring it up to your colleagues, but you need to ask for strategy instead of being offended that they deferred to him. It may be that the host of the meeting needs tips themself and you may have to suggest to them how to handle the situation. People will always tend to defer to the person paying the bills. You have to figure out how to sell your ideas to difficult people.
Ellen
I agree. The client was an A$$hole, and was emboldened by the fact he was on the phone, and people could NOT see him, just hear him, and he probably had a loud annoying voice that permeated the speaker phone. I had this situation happen in a status conference on an interpleaeder case with a NJ judge, and the guy who did this was the opposing council’s in house attorney. Aside from the fact that the inhouse guy was clueless, he was annoying and had a squekey voice . The only problem was that we had a judge from NJ that knew all about that client’s company, b/c it is a big deal in NJ, and for all I know, the judge could have wanted to get his kid a job there or something. As a result, the judge was very respectful to this inhouse lawyer (who usually don’t say a word), and he denied my request for a continuance b/c our witnesses were not available. I say FOOEY to teleconferences. I prefer in person conferences where I can SEE people and they can see me. I have no advantage in a teleconference, even a video conference, b/c people are still kind of invisible other than seeing their boogers in their noses. DOUBEL FOOEY!
anon
I don’t think this is just about persuasion or refusing to let someone talk over you. This is about power differentials and group dynamics. You need to get buy-in from people before the meetings take place. Have private conversations with people, like the host or someone else with influence, ahead of time so you can lay the groundwork and understand stakeholders and what challenges might pop up.
I heard a VP once say that he saw people with great ideas get shot down by CEOs all the time in important meetings. He said the way to succeed is to to talk about your ideas to people who will be at the meeting ahead of time. If you can have one person speak up immediately and agree with your idea in the moment when you present it at the meeting, then the whole group dynamic can shift. Especially as a new person with little social capital, this isn’t just about whose idea is the best. It’s about relationships and power and momentum.
I realize this is super challenging and I commend you for your courage. I hope things work out for you!
Anonymous
+1 to all of this. The pre-meeting groundwork and buy-in is one of the most useful pieces of advice I’ve ever received.
Anon
I would agree with this. I would also give the host a bit of the benefit of the doubt here – I’ve been in situations like this, and while it’s unpleasant to the person presenting, sometimes it’s better to table the conversation until we can deal with the difficult stakeholder – if the goal is to get the request for what your proposed done. I would talk to the host – not about what happened, but to get their feedback/input on your presentation and talk about any follow-up questions you have from their responses. I would also agree – you need to have people in that room that immediately back up your idea.
anon
OP here. Thank you all. Great ideas.
I messed up by conferencing in, it was a blunder on my part (I read skype meeting and didn’t think twice till I realized there was an actual conf room for this…) I will be there in person next time and from here on out.
This guy I suppose is like a judge, only he’s not the only person in the room that has to give approval. He’s one of many, but he is obviously one of the hardest to overcome. had I known he was going to be there with knives out I would have prepared for the worst. I prepared and checked the list of prerequisites for this meeting according to my former experience of this being a more internal review.
Yes I will try to use my anger judiciously and use it as motivation (but I am ranting internally about this place).
I am gathering information now to refute him and address any other sticky spots of the presentation and will talk to the host of the meeting before I go back. I have no issue explaining to him why he wrong once I have the facts in hand to wield.
I am not new here and in my dept I have small amounts of authority over other projects, but I don’t know the people running this meeting well and I have been loaned out to work this new project.
I appreciate the feedback!
Anon
If his approval is necessary to move forward, then I wouldn’t wait for the meeting – can you talk to him separately to work through everything so he’s on board?
Anon.
This.
I work in a function where I lead cross-functional teams as a peer, without having formal authority, and often my team members are a lot more senior.
My manager coached me early on that before going to an executive-level meeting, the relevant stakeholders must be aligned with whatever I am going to present. For a big presentation last year, I asked my functional experts to set up a meeting with their chain of command so that a) they were assured they were representing their funtional area properly, b) their bosses (and anyone between their boss and the respective exec) were in the know and agreed.
This meant 15 separate teleconferences in the 4 weeks leading up to the big presentation, revising slides 15 times, but in the end I secured approval because noone was blindsided by what I was presenting, and a real discussion could take place between CEO and his VP-level execs.
Anon86
Yup! Same here!!
Anon
You kind of buried the lede there. Having been in this situation many times myself, I’d say it’s at least 75% because you were on the phone. If you’re calling into a meeting where people are sitting around a table you’re at a huge disadvantage automatically.
Agree with others who say you need to make every effort to be there in person. The only good way to have a meeting by phone is where everyone is on the phone.
Another anon
Yes, this was exactly my reaction as well.
anon
Are you still going to the gym through this corona virus time? I just joined a boutique gym in DC where you do circuits and share equipment with your class mates. For example, in one zone one partner will do 20 squats with hand weights while the other does planks on a mat, then you switch back and forth for 3 minutes and move on to another zone. There is no time to wipe down in between. These says I can’t tell if I am being a paranoid germaphobe or just a good citizen.
Anon
I have an unscientific difference between “clean” and “unclean” germs. I’m still hiking outdoors and riding horses, but I’m not taking public transit or going to the gym. I maintain the good handwashing practices either way, but I’m concerned about MRSA at the gym in general and now I would be concerned about coronavirus as well. I’m immunocompromised so these thoughts and strategies are ever-present at a low level.
Anon
I wouldn’t if I were immunocompromised or had a cold, but if I was under 60, with no underlying conditions, I would. In my experience, people force themselves to come to work sick, they don’t often force themselves to workout, and a lot of gyms I’ve seen have been relaxing their cancelation policies specifically to discourage this.
Senior Attorney
I’m over 60 and I’m still going to my (small, private, the owners are constantly cleaning the equipment, and people generally aren’t grossly sweaty) gym. I change my clothes and scrub my hands (and, in the morning, take a shower) the minute I get home.
Anon
I’ve still been going to the gym, but am now wiping down the equipment both before and after my workout. I don’t think I would be comfortable with something where we shared equipment without cleaning
Anon
I think you need to create the time to wipe down in between. I still to go the gym, but I wipe everything down before and after I touch it. My gym put up a sign about extra cleaning precautions they are taking, and we are not even in an area with the virus yet. No one is going to get mad if you wipe down the equipment. Can you ask the partner you’re working out with for both of you to take twenty seconds and sanitize before switching? Or frankly I would not be doing a workout where I switch back and forth for three minutes… now is not the time.
Ribena
I am, but gym floor workouts rather than mat classes. The floor was mostly empty this morning so we were all able to stay a good distance from each other. I see it as boosting my mental and physical health, which will be necessary if I get ill.
Anon
I’ve been still going to my classes in SF and surprisingly they have still been packed.
Anon
Probably because so many of us are working from home and have nothing to do.
You should see how clean my house is.
Is it Friday yet?
I’m still going to the climbing gym, which is… not the cleanest, even on a good day. The holds only get washed when the routes get reset, which is, uh, about every three months. So I’m trying not to touch my face while I’m there, and I wash my hands really thoroughly when I get there and before I leave.
Anon
Yeah, I’ve been wondering about this. I love my climbing gym, but it seems much harder to sanitize than just about any other form of equipment.
Anon.
I am not going to my employer gym anymore, instead doing workouts at home.
My family has decided to practice social distance now, and that also included discontinuing my son’s swimming class and our workouts at the local gym of the university campus where we live.
Anonymous
But wouldn’t swimming be REALLY clean b/c of all of the chorine (which kills coronavirus)? I would probably start swimming if this keeps up as a way to sanitize my whole self :)
Anon.
Lol, theoretically yes, but practically we’d be in locker rooms, showers etc, which are frequented by all the students and staff of the school.
So, hard no at this time, especially with kids that are gross by default ;)
Note: I do realize that kids and healthy adults may be asymptomatic/mild transmitters, so I am not worried too much about contracting it myself.
But the whole point of social distancing is
– to reduce the number of touchpoints you have with others
– to prevent transmitting to vulnerable populations, and
– to, as a society, slow down the overall spread so that our healthcare system doesn’t get overwhelmed. As always, individual actions do make an impact if enough people do them. We have discussed this with friends and they are taking the same measures we do.
Now, in the case the schools and daycares close here, that will be fun because everything we normally do to keep kids busy like library, indoor playground etc will be closed are we will avoid it. I guess it’s good that at least spring is coming so we could go play in our garden.
Anon.
Why is this still in moderation after 2.5 hours?
Anon
https://swimswam.com/whats-known-about-chlorines-impact-on-coronavirus/
Anon.
As I said above, the risk is not the pool itself, but the locker room, shower and the general areas of the gym with water fountains, handrails, door knobs etc.
anon
Still going to the gym but intentionally not taking classes (especially spin classes) as I doubt the cleaning is as robust as I would like and I am uncomfortable being packed in a small room with other people who are breathing heavily right next to me. Also am being more thorough about wiping my own equipment prior to my own use since normally I only clean it after.
Anon
My husband is planning to discontinue his workouts at the gym of the university where we work after spring break. Right now we feel it’s pretty low risk (no cases in our area and the students/faculty haven’t been traveling) but when students and faculty return from spring break travel the week after next, I’m sure at least a few people will have it. I’m really hoping the university switches to online classes after break too.
Anon.
How would you be certain that all faculty hasn’t traveled for the last 2 weeks incubation period? There are so many examples now of conference attendees in the US bringing back the virus (Biogen conference in Boston).
Anon
Faculty travel during the academic year is rare. Academic conferences are deliberately timed for breaks in classes, especially summer. They’re not like conferences in the business world, which are just as likely to be held in February as August. I’m sure there are individuals who have done some travel, but it’s less likely to be international (when classes are in session, visiting a collaborator a four hour drive away is much easier than going to Europe) and people certainly aren’t traveling en masse the way they will over spring break. I personally know no one who has traveled in the last month, and a couple dozen people who are traveling next week for spring break. So yeah I think the risk is MUCH greater post-spring break, even if it’s not absolutely zero now.
anon
I went to the gym this morning and was shocked by how empty it was. Now, it’s also spring break for our local school district, which might account for some of the emptiness but it was weird. I’m still going for now but just being extra cautious about sanitizing anything I come into contact with. If the outbreak becomes widespread in my area, I will probably stop going for awhile.
NOLA
I’m still going to the gym (at the university where I work), but I use a machine that is fairly unpopular and clean it. I use a couple of weight machines, but can clean them. I don’t do circuits. I am also careful to wash my hands afterward. I usually feel kind of grubby anyway.
Anon
I think no matter what, it’s good practice to wash your hands when you’re done at the gym.
Cb
I’m still going to yoga but my studio is reducing the number of spots. But frankly, in hot yoga, if one person has it, we’ve all been exposed.
Thanks, it has pockets!
Yep, I’ll keep going until the studios close or I need to self-quarantine (or the whole city just goes into lockdown). Fitness is important to my physical and mental health, and I’m gonna keep moving my body as much as I can.
Mrs. Jones
Yes I’m still going to hot yoga.
Anonymous
There’s an article in the NY Times with some advice about this.
Coach Laura
Yes, if you’re not immunocompromised or over 60 and you’re not living in Coronaville (aka Seattle) like me, then you’re probably ok. I’m riding my bicycle outside, hiking and walking and lifting weights at home. In Seattle now I wouldn’t go to a gym even if under 60 and well.
Anon
Yes, if you’re not immunocompromised or over 60 and you’re not living in Coronaville (aka Seattle) like me, then you’re probably ok. I’m riding my bicycle outside, hiking and walking and lifting weights at home. In Seattle now I wouldn’t go to a gym even if under 60 and well.
Ribena
After spending the weekend thinking I’d just do a bit of social distancing to help stop the spread of COVID-19, there was so much poor hand hygiene in evidence yesterday at work that I’m unilaterally working from home until someone tells me I can’t. Why do people still cough directly into their hands?!
Anonymous
Oh please princess. Because the habit of a lifetime is hard to break. Obviously. Count yourself lucky you’re privileged enough to just do this, and stop whining.
Anon
Shut up yourself. She raised a good and relevant point. Go eat a muffin.
Coach Laura
Yep, Ribena – ignore that post.
Anonymous
The terrible handwashing in the bathroom kills me. No, rinsing your hands does not count. Neither does a 3-second scrub. Ugh.
anon
I’m fairly disturbed that people don’t routinely wash their hands after blowing their nose. Or before they eat. Is basic hygiene a lost art? (I guess so!)
Anonymous
I would have to walk half a block to the sole bathroom on my floor in my giant building. I have allergies and would never get any work done otherwise. I can deal with washing periodically unless I’m doing something like handling a newborn.
Anonymous
That’s a fairly specific circumstance though no? I’m like 30 feet from a bathroom but I keep a pump bottle of hand sanitizer on my desk to use after I’ve been on the elevator. I’m not a germaphobe – DH is a microbiologist and we talk lots about the benefits of a healthy microbiome but elevator buttons, door handles etc are class areas of contagion.
Wash hands if you can, keep alcohol based hand sanitizer handy when you can’t.
Anonymous
And when there has already been a run on hand sanitizer . . . what then? My city doesn’t even have any cases yet and we’re out of things other than bottled bleach.
Anon
Same here. When I’m home I do this but I can’t spend 5 minutes to walk to wash my hands every time I cough, sneeze or blow my nose
Anonymous
This is exactly why hand sanitizer was invented.
Anonymous
If it matters, I sit solo in an office. Just me and my giant box of tissues and bottles of Mucinex. I am getting some of the spray-on bandages because my hands are starting to crack from so much washing already drying them out. :(
anon
I usually do use hand sanitizer but ran out yesterday and the recent run on stores means I can’t buy it anywhere
Anon
Totally agree. The biggest revelation to me has been: 1) people are terrible at basic hygeine and only change when they think it benefits them (i.e. I don’t want to get sick), 2) people are shockingly blase about the health of the old (and not that old, 60+ for the readers here is you and/or your parents) and the chronically ill, and 3) a lot of people that are chronically ill don’t think of themselves as chronically ill (lack of embracing their own mortality I guess). About half of U.S. adults have a chronic illness. That’s a lot of potentially sick people.
anon
You are correct on all 3 points – this public health crisis has brought all of these to light.
Anon
Ignore the haters this morning. I am right there with you and I cannot believe how downright nasty so many people are being. At least a few people at my office have said that the fear of being publicly shamed on transit has led them to make triple sure that they cough into their elbows.
Anonymous
It must be a British thing! Most of my colleagues are in London, and the North American expats in the office have retrained everyone to cough into their elbows and not their hands!
Anon
Oh, I definitely think it’s a European thing. I noticed that everybody sneezed into their hands when I was in Paris last year. Do they not teach this very simple practice in European kindergartens??
Edna Mazur
My kindergartener calls is a “cough pocket” :)
Anon
My kids learned to call it their germ bucket!
potato
Uh. I’m a 42 yo American and was taught to cough and sneeze into my hand as a child (in NJ). Should say, I think many in my parent’s generation carried pocket handkerchiefs (as opposed to more sanitary disposable tissues).
Anon.
The amount of uncovered coughing in my open office yesterday was enough to decide for myself that I am not going there anymore unless a work crisis happens.
Also, cantines are terrible places – salad bar, anyone?
Anonymous
How do you calm down and live in the moment when you start dating someone? I’ve been seeing a guy for about 2 months and I’m really excited about him. The catch is, he’s moving 5+ hours away in 5 months. I find myself spending a lot of time thinking and worrying about whether or how the distance could work. If things are still going well in 5 months, we can make some decisions then; if things aren’t going well then it’s a moot point. I want to focus on what’s happening now so I don’t miss the good things or possibly the red flags because I’m too busy worrying about a future that may or may not happen. Any advice on how to live in the moment and set aside this huge looming issue until it’s actually an issue?
Anon
I think two months, if you’ve been exclusively seeing each other, is long enough to warrant sitting down and talking about where it’s going. Don’t just worry for the next 5 months and then find yourself dumped when he doesn’t want to continue the relationship.
Anon
Shift your perspective on his move.
If things are really going well – if it looks like you might have met your future spouse – then you will continue to date when he moves away, and the two of you will make concrete plans to be together. This is not something you force or try to work; it just happens.
If it’s fun and interesting and he’s a great person to date, the move will end a relationship that was going to end anyway. I found this to be true when I moved for law school; a relationship came to an end that was not going to work anyway.
In my experience (late 30s), these things *clarify* your dating situation, but do not essentially change it.
Anon
Tips for getting over a break-up when you got way more attached than you should have? I broke off a short term relationship with a guy I had been seeing for a few months – lots of red flags, emotional immaturity, and communication issues. However, he’s started seeing someone new immediately and I’m finding it way harder than I should to just let it go. He’s making sure I hear ALL about his new relationship (we run in the same circles), which again, is a sign of emotional insecurity, but I’m somehow letting it get to me. He was one of the first people in a long time that I really saw a potential future (until the red flags surfaced), and I’m finding it harder than I should to let go.
I’m 28 in NYC, so not super young, but also apparently not old enough to just say FOOEY (with Ellen caps) and move on.
Anonymous
You need to know much less about him. Have you blocked him fully? Mute people on social media you’re learning about him from. Avoid him at social gatherings.
Anonymous
Every human on the planet prefers if they find a new partner before their ex does. It’s human nature. The fact that he makes sure that you know about it means that he’s still not 100% over it. Your reaction to any info about him should be bland indifference. “Oh? That’s nice.” Change topic. It will get back to him that you DNGAF. This breakup has freed you to meet the person you’re supposed to be with. If you were out on dates with him, you wouldn’t be free to meet the right person.
Angela
(1) Avoid the first guy (“same circles” or not, surely you can get away from him for a few weeks) (2) Start dating someone(s) else.
Anon
Better her than you. Imagine dating a man who uses your relationship to rub it in his ex’s face…..
Senior Attorney
Right? Treat this as more evidence that you dodged a bullet.
Also? Hugs! This is hard!
Anonymous
FOOEY!
Block the guy. Go on dates. Get a new haircut or whatever. Treat yourself! You dodged a bullet!
editor
Could I have some recommendations for a younger family member who is a pear and has prominent saddlebags? I know there have been recommendations for forgiving trousers here before. Thanks!
Anonymous
Nope. That’s kind of a rude question and I’m not sure I want you recommending pants to this person.
Go for it
+1
Anonymous
Yeah, your description of a common figure type as if it is a defect is appalling. I hope you don’t IRL judge like this.
PolyD
If this family member asked you for help finding pants, the Julie fit at Loft was good for my smaller waist/larger hips and thighs proportions. I don’t know if they make that style anymore, though, or it may be called curvy fit now. Ann Taylor has some curvy fit pants that also worked well.
I never wore them, but I believe Express also has some pants (Editor?) that are friendly to the curvy.
editor
Thanks so much, PolyD. And haha, thank YOU, Anonymous, for taking the very worst slant on my innocent question that you could. There’s always one here. And now that we’ve gotten that ritual out of the way:
I’ll take more recommendations from any of you who can take an innocent question at face value and give me some suggestions. I know I’ve read them a lot here. I’m a Boomer, so I know my possible suggestions of Chico’s and Eileen Fischer might not apply to someone in her 30s Thanks, all. Or, ALMOST all.
Anonymous
Your question was rude and your description of your family member unkind. Idk what else you want to hear. I note that you don’t say “yes of course this person asked me for help.”
Anon
+1. There’s always someone who jumps in to eagerly defend their rudeness. I always imagine them poised at the keyboard refreshing the page waiting for their chance.
Anon
Just stop. JFC.
Ribena
If they asked for recommendations – Boden Richmond trousers, especially in the dark colours (I have a theory that no one looks as critically at the fit of a pair of black or navy trousers as they would at a pair in an attention-grabbing colour or print)
HW
I don’t think I’m particularly sensitive and agree that saying “prominent saddlebags” and “forgiving trousers” came across as rude. Peoples bodies are different shapes!
busybee
You basically told us she has fat thighs. She’s in her 30s, she knows what her body looks like, and she can find her own pants. She certainly doesn’t want some older woman telling her to buy certain pants so her thighs look better. Good grief.
Thanks, it has pockets!
I’m a little heavier than I should be (BMI is around 25.5), I know I don’t look like a supermodel and I should wear clothes that fit and flatter the body I currently have while I work on reducing my excess body fat, but I would NOT be okay with an older family member (or anyone, really) telling me what pants I should wear, to cover up my “problem areas,” when I have not been actively seeking that advice. Worry about yourself!
Anon
As a pear with thick thighs, I enjoy the J.Crew Cameron pants in four-season stretch. I do have to size up though.
Anon
Even if the family member asked for your help finding pants, “saddlebags” is a gross and sexist term (have you ever heard anyone say a man has them?). People are justified in calling you out on your rudeness.
anony
Yeah, I have to say OP…. if you read this site, you should know better. Every other day someone asks about where to find pants that fit a pear shape. It may be the most common body shape for women over time. To describe a grown woman in the way you did, who is a family member, just….. ugh.
Please do not recommend anything to her if she hasn’t asked you for advice. If she likes how you dress, and asked you what you wear… just tell her.
Anonymous
Men are build differently, so I doubt they’d have saddlebags. That said, I’m an Old and haven’t heard that term since people regularly wore pantyhose.
anon
Jeesh, the way you worded this made me wince. As a pear, I guess I have saddlebags but that term is so gross.
In the interest of being helpful: Look for curvy-fit pants OR plan to size up in modern cuts to accommodate the thighs. Most of my work pants are from Loft or Calvin Klein.
Monday
Yeah, I H8 all the special terms that exist solely to describe our faces and bodies as wrong. Every time I learn a new one, I wish I could expunge it.
difficult clients
Give me your best tips on dealing with difficult clients. My client has a relatively new and relatively inexperienced (in my particular industry) GC at a client. He’s the first person to hold the in-house job, and the execs at the client, who we have worked with closely for years, think he’s great as far as we can tell. Problem is, he’s horrendous to work with. He emails all hours of the night, to the point where I have actually used the “turn off notifications” feature on my phone, but I still wake up to 15+ emails from him every morning, which is an anxiety-inducing way to start my day. He’s also incredibly adversarial and not prone to taking our advice, no matter how reasoned it is or how correct we end up being. We’ve started keeping records by emails to the file to outline our advice, his position, and his ultimate decision to go against our advice, so that we have a real-time record for later when he sends a revisionist history email and tries to blame missteps on us – which he has done. The more senior partner I work with has gently broached this with other execs, but I hesitate to push on that any more given that the seems to be well-liked internally, and I don’t want to be seen as a complainer. What are your best tips for managing a client like this? Maybe part of it is to accept that I will just start every day with a full inbox of overnight inquiries from him and stop letting that stress me out. And if no advice, at least share some horror stories so I feel better about this.
Anon
Ugh. Sorry no real advice (that will actually work) but so much commiseration. I have tried and failed to “train” multiple such clients to be more reasonable. I had never felt so burnt out in my Biglaw life.
It already sounds like you’re documenting everything and doing everything right. What has made the experience somewhat more bearable for me:
– Internal heads up to the partners you trust that this client is a Problem in the ways in the ways you have described (and always raise any specific complaints or noise from the client to internally assess reasonableness of their demands / complaints).
– CC your partner in everything so they know what’s going on.
– To the extent that your partners will back you up, I would push back, but really the partners should be managing this relationship, not you, because it is easier for them to complain about a junior person to your firm.
– Unless you’re short on work and actually need to hang onto this client for dear life, have partners consider staffing a trusted team of multiple associates handle the client so that at least you can share contacting and responding responsibilities (or at least b**ch together), delegate, or ask help from more senior associates / counsel if the demands come at an unreasonable pace (as they are prone to do). Take these associates out for lunch or drinks on the regular to let off steam. While the experience was horrible, I have met some of my best mentors and juniors in this way.
– Unless you know it’s an actual emergency, set a reasonable hour to start responding to this person. I had someone like this who would start emailing at 11 pm and well into 4 am if given responses. The deal structure would change 10 times over those five hours. Ugh. This was anyways not something I could handle by myself as a midlevel associate — I let the emails accumulate after 11 PM (unless we were already in the middle of an ongoing discussion) and would deal with them after a quick check in with the partner on how best to proceed. Sometimes the partner would call the GC and ask for a conference call, sometimes they would make the issue go away — usually it was at least much more efficient than if I tried to answer all 15 emails.
All of this assumes that you can get the right backing from your firm and especially your partner, but if they are unwilling to deal, they will likely additionally staff someone who can in their place.
Anonymous
I had a year of challenging clients and can sympathize. First, step back and realize that the barrage is just this guy’s style. Take a big deep breath and just answer the barrage early in the morning when you are fresh and can be polite. Don’t even look at it in the middle of the night unless you are on a 24-7 deal. Second, just continue to advise and document. You are likely to have a longer relationship with the client than he is, in house counsel move around quite a bit. Third, you can play the card of going over his head to the exec team, but only do that if he is putting the company at risk.
Anonymous
The advice above is good. I would add that if your firm doesn’t have one yet, to create a relationship manager to deal with this particular client, and that might be a good place to flag issues to the client. Consider having a lunch or dinner or intro to the firm to the GC so that he can meet you all, and perhaps also discuss big picture issues and goals. If they are also using you as general outside inside counsel, maybe a bi-weekly or monthly meeting to discuss big picture issues? The thing is, if the GC is the decision-maker, you need to help him succeed in his new role, in order for your attorney/client relationship to succeed. All that being said, when you give advice or disagree with his proposed course of action, it’s really good for that to be in an email, “we recommend x, but we defer to you on this.” And bill everything (assuming you can). Once he realizes how expensive this can be, he may pull back.
anon
I am someone who is taking coronavirus seriously but not restricting domestic travel. I am getting married in a few months, and have a wedding event this weekend that several very close friends have pulled out of because of fear of travel. I feel like such a bad person for being upset and sad about this—people are getting sick and dying and I’m upset about my wedding events—but I’m feeling these feelings all the same. Fully expecting to be lambasted here for this, but just hoping someone can give me a pat on the back and tell me it will be okay. I’m just sad.
Anon
That is disappointing. I’m sorry.
Anonymous
Of course it will be okay and of course your friends are behaving completely reasonably and of course it is sad! These things can all be true at once! I hope enough people can still attend to have the event, and know that your friends are also sad to be missing it.
Ribena
That is disappointing! For what it’s worth part of why I’m working from home is so that I can spend my ‘time out in the world’ budget on social events rather than work.
Anonymous
That makes zero sense Ribena.
Ribena
I don’t think so. If I’m going to spend 40 hours out in the world with other people, I’d rather they be with people I actually want to see than sitting opposite colleagues at work, when I can do my job perfectly well at home.
Irrational, sure, but not entirely so, I think.
Anonymous
The virus doesn’t care whether you like the people you are socializing with or not.
Anon
Yeah, I agree, that doesn’t make sense.
Angela
I get it. It seems to make sense that 80 hours a week out is riskier than 40 hours a week out of the house, in terms of potential exposure, all else being equal.
Ribena
Angela, I think you’ve got to what I was trying to explain but failing to put into words. I think it’s like what cbackson is talking about below -I know that my mental health gets really shaky when I don’t see people at ALL, so although I’m trying to minimise time out in the world, I would like the time I spend out in the world to be with people who help my mood. I don’t know if that makes any sense at all?
blueberries
Ribena’s strategy makes sense to me. She’s trying to reduce her exposure to other people, but is not so concerned that she is eliminating exposure to other people. In that situation, might as well take the risk for interactions that feel worthwhile.
Anon
Makes sense to me. Interacting with close friends (whom you can confirm in advance aren’t sick) is very different from being in a workplace with dozens or hundreds of overachieving martyrs who refuse to take a sick day or practice basic hygiene in heavily used shared spaces.
CHL
I got married during the 2009 Swine Flu time, leading to a few friends not being able to attend, and I give you permission to be sad that the universe didn’t get it together for you. It will pass but it’s okay to be disappointed.
cbackson
If it makes you feel better, a lot of public health authorities have mentioned the mental health and social impacts of social distancing, quarantine, etc. We are social animals, and social contact as well as community life are important and meaningful. So it’s normal that even if you know there are people with bigger problems, you’d be sad about this. Give yourself the grace of acknowledging that your feelings are real and okay, while maintaining the emotional discipline not to let yourself wallow in your disappointment (bc if you give in to that impulse, which is normal and human, you’ll actually have a harder time keeping this in perspective).
I hope your event is fun and I hope your wedding is wonderful and joyful.
Housecounsel
No judgment here. You can understand their concern and be sad at the same time. It stinks.
Angela
It absolutely sucks! Be mad at the virus/situation, not the people cancelling, and I think you’re 100% fine.
anon
I am sorry this is happening during your wedding celebration period. I am healthy but decided to limit domestic business travel because my parents are older, have some health problems and they rely on me. I cannot risk any exposure. So I would not be able to attend your wedding even though I was looking forward to your special event for many months, and I would be very sad at the same time. Just know that people’s personal decisions about travel have nothing to do with you….as Housecounsel said, understand their concern and be sad at the same time….
Anon
I think you are fine being disappointed but you should frame your disappointment as being disappointed that your wedding plans were impacted by a pandemic, and not disappointment at the very reasonable actions of your friends.
Anon
Totally fair to be disappointed! I’m really disappointed that the virus has canceled my first couples’ getaway with my husband since our child was born 2 years ago, and I know a wedding is even more special. Feeling sad about the impact on your own life isn’t mutually exclusive with being worried for others and recognizing that the impact on your own life is comparatively trivial.
NOLA
We’re going to a wedding this weekend. We are walking there – it’s 6 blocks from my guy’s apartment – but I have been wondering how people will handle not hugging or touching or whatever. It’s a very social group and there are people coming from out of town whom we don’t know. We’re supposed to be going to a wedding-related gathering on Thursday night, so maybe I will ask one of the grooms then, or it will come up.
I’m so sorry that your wedding plans are being disrupted. We put so much time and effort into these special events, then something like this just throws a wrench into it.
Anonymous
Don’t bother the groom’s with this!!!! Decide if you are comfortable with hugging or shaking hands or not and then be a grownup and enforce those boundaries.
NOLA
Eh, we’re going to an informal meet and greet party at their condo on Thursday night and I’m sure it will come up.
Anon
I’m giving you a huge hug! You don’t have to play the game of “I can’t be sad about not having shoes when other people don’t have feet.” Your only job is to understand that it’s not the worst situation out there; your job isn’t to not be sad.
anon
It’s completely OK to be sad!
anon
OP here. Truly, thank you all so much for your encouraging words. I really appreciate them. Thankful for this community of understanding compassionate badass people!
Anon
you are totally allowed to be sad. this might make myself sound like a horrible person, but my aunt passed away the week of my bridal shower so it was postponed. i was sad about my aunt and for my adult cousins losing their mom, particularly since it happened suddenly and totally out of nowhere. but i was also really disappointed about my bridal shower. we had a long engagement for other reasons and the shower was starting to make it feel more real, and i was having a combo bachelorette/shower weekend. the shower part ended up being rescheduled to shortly before our wedding and none of the out of town friends who were going to come to the original one ended up being able to make it
Anonymous
Virtual hugs! I got married on Long Island right after hurricane sandy. I felt really selfish and awful at the time to be bummed out about my wedding when people died in my town. But seven years later, I think I was ok to be bummed. It was a rotten break. Don’t be too hard on yourself.
ElisaR
you’re allowed to be sad!
Thanks, it has pockets!
It’s fine to feel disappointed and sad right now! You had such high hopes for this season, and this horrible situation is raining on your parade quite a bit. Of course people are suffering more than you, and but that doesn’t mean your own feelings aren’t valid. If it were me, I’d try to direct my feelings at the situation rather than the people, who are just trying to be safe during a confusing and scary time, and their decisions don’t necessarily mean they don’t love you.
Could it be possible to plan a “redo” wedding, or vow renewal five years out, to compensate for a wedding that was dampened by current events? I’m sure people would love a second chance to see you get married and celebrate this milestone. (just don’t register for gifts, obviously)
Planned Obsolescence and LED lights
Anyone here techy enough to explain why one cannot change integrated LED lights to me? I wanted to buy that featured light yesterday but the integrated LED light (that you cannot change- you just throw it away) stopped me.
Apart from the closed design of most light pieces is there another reason that I am missing?
Thanks
Anon
Aren’t they supposed to last basically forever, so you’d never need to change them?
MagicUnicorn
Integrated LEDs are not replaceable screw-in type bulbs. The LEDs are generally soldered in place within the circuit. So if you can take the fixture apart without breaking it, can source and obtain an appropriate replacement LED, and have soldering tools and experience, you can replace them.
Coach Laura
Yep, it gave me pause before I bought the similar (more expensive) Philips wake up light. But LEDs are more efficient and last longer.
Anonymous
Spurred from the child free travel conversation yesterday, does anyone regret having children? I’ve recently had two friends confide in me that they wish they didn’t have children (and no it wasn’t postpartum depression talking). I wonder if it’s more common than society would have us think because it’s such a taboo.
PolyD
Ann Landers had a whole column on this back in the day. Doubt it’s ever been formally quantified, but probably more people than you would expect wish they hadn’t had kids.
Anon
I’ve asked myself several times if I regret it and the answer is always no, but I would never judge someone for saying yes. I would judge someone for saying it to their kid but not for feeling it.
Airplane.
There are a bunch of articles about this. It’s a taboo in today’s society to admit this so we are all supposed to pretend like no one regrets having their kid but YES, there are definitely parents who regret it and have written about it. And with the cost of healthcare (birth control cost and abortion access so limited) there are many women who don’t have a real choice and are forced to become a parent. Also, with the notable uneven burden of parenting between moms and dads, I would not be surprised if more women than men regret it.
Speaking of – OP, did you invite your friends to come over for a few adults-only nights at the beach house? What did you say? What did they say? I was highly amused by the histrionics so I want to know the outcome.
Anon
I sort-of regretted my kids (as in, I never would have admitted it to anybody but there were many moments when I told myself – why the heck did I do this? and wished I hadn’t) for the first year to two years of their lives. There were highs and lows, so I had deeply gratifying moments but also despairing/regretful ones.
But there came a time (they are elementary school aged now) when I stopped regretting it and felt so glad and grateful I had them. With my second child, I went into it based on persuasion from my husband though I was still on the fence about it. But two or three years down I told my husband I was so glad we did and it’s been positive and increasing satisfaction every since.
So to me, the answer to this would’ve depended on when you asked.
Anon
I know my mother regrets having me and my sister.
From what I’ve seen, people regret having kids when they have kids because they are following a life script, not because they really, really want kids. They regret having kids when they didn’t live enough first. Not advocating for waiting until you’re practically infertile before having kids, but if you got to throw yourself into college, your job, and your hobbies, it’s a lot easier to later shift gears into family activities: you don’t feel like you lost out on anything, and you’re eager to show your kids all the cool stuff they can do with their lives. Or people regret having kids when they could not afford them (financially or emotionally).
Anon
I don’t regret having my one child at all – I couldn’t be happier I had her. But I’m quite certain (not 99% but maybe like 80%?) that I would regret a second child, especially if that child wasn’t as easy as my first who was (I gather) a ridiculously easy baby and toddler (slept through the night super early, is an easy-going and cooperative toddler, travels amazingly well, etc.) It’s a big reason I’m not having a second, even though society tells us two children is the default family size. People ask why we’re one and done and I give the usual reasons about feeling like our family is right with one, which isn’t untrue. But honestly, I feel like I would resent the second sooo much and would be constantly comparing him/her negatively to their big sister.
Anon
Are you my friend? She has a wonderful, easy toddler, who was a wonderful, easy baby, and that’s a big part of the reason for one-and-done.
Housecounsel
I asked yesterday for the over-under on whether my planned trip to Spain was going to happen. Looks like the decision will be made for me. The purpose of the trip was to visit my kid who is studying there. Yesterday, the Spanish ministry of health ordered all Madrid schools, including universities, shut down for two weeks. The other US colleges that share the same space have already called their students home. Just waiting for the west coast to wake up and I am pretty sure my kid’s college will have her on a plane home shortly.
Anon
Man, I would have been positively devastated to be called home from study abroad. I feel bad for your daughter.
NOLA
Yes, most students studying abroad have been called home.
Anon
Wow, the school I work at called home all study abroad students two or three weeks ago. I’m shocked it took until now. Sorry about your trip, but I hope you enjoy having your daughter at home!
Anonymous
What do these kids do for the rest of the semester? Do they get course credit of any kind? Online class? Do they get refunds or are parents out a full semester of tuition with no credits to show for it? Do they go back to the main home campus?
Anon
At my school the kids went home to their parents and finished the semester online. Universities are increasingly going online-only for all students, not just those who were on a study abroad.
Anonymous
And the schools are laughing all the way to the bank with the tuition, room and board that they’ve collected from students.
Anon
Well, the universities are still paying most if not all their faculty and staff, so I’m not sure they’re turning a huge profit here. I can see an argument that they should refund partial room and board if students aren’t living in dorms for the rest of the semester, but online classes are classes and if the students are progressing toward their degrees, I think it’s absurd to suggest the universities should give back the tuition.
Bummer
I also studied abroad in Spain and would have been beyond heartbroken to be called home. Also, all I can think of are the logistics of housing, classes for the rest of the semester, etc.
JB
Call me naive, but it seems extreme to put healthy kids on planes. Schools/ universities can close, but the idea of telling students to leave?
Anon
I think it’s more the concern of, if the kids are in a zone that gets locked down (like parts of Italy are right now) they may not be able to get home if they get sick or something happens where they would need to leave. I can definitely see universities not wanting to be responsible for the kids not being home if the whole world ends up on lockdown.
Anon
may i ask how universities plan on helping students make sure they don’t lose out on a whole semester of school due to this?
Anon
My university is in the process of transitioning all classes online for the rest of the semester. No formal announcement yet, but that’s clearly what we’re headed for. It’s reasonably doable for me, since I’m in the humanities–it will be extra work for our teaching staff, but within the realm of the possible. Not sure what my colleagues in lab sciences or fine arts will do. I imagine that a lot of student will end up with incompletes and have to finish up work over the summer or next semester.
Coach Laura
My son is graduating medical school in May and has April – July 1 off. He and friends planned a trip to Europe, which might be their last chance for more than two weeks off per year for a while. He’s bummed but I think they’ll repeat a road trip out west (went to Grand Canyon last year for spring break) or Quebec or New Orleans.
Housecounsel
It’s official. Ordered home. It looks like she will be living at home and finishing the semester’s coursework online. She is really, really sad.
Anonymous
Anyone else trying to use this as an opportunity to buy cheap plane tickets?
Anonymous
I wish. Prices for my tracked flights haven’t dropped.
Anon
My boyfriend has been searching and searching for cheap air fare, but I guess he hasn’t actually found much, at least from where we live.
Anonymous
This is also us. I think airlines haven’t started cutting airfare for future travel because they are hoping that things with return to normal.
pugsnbourbon
Same. We aren’t traveling until later in the summer so it hasn’t changed our flight prices yet.
Anon
No because I don’t trust that the flights will happen. I already had one flight I scheduled back in December get cancelled.
NOLA
We were actually thinking about going on a 4 day cruise leaving from here. There are a lot of incentives. Neither of us has been on one, so we’re not sure we want to, but exploring it while it’s cheap.
Anon
Cruises are always a relatively cheap form of travel (especially short ones) and now seems like the absolute worst time to go one. I’m not particularly alarmed about the virus re: my own health, but cruise ships are floating petri dishes and there’s a good chance your 4 day cruise would become a 40 day cruise. You’d have to actually pay me to get me on a cruise ship right now. A free cruise would not do it.
Anon
That makes beyond zero sense to me. You couldn’t pay me to go on a cruise even on a good day. Why on earth would you venture into that world right now?
BabyAssociate
+infinity
NOLA
We probably won’t, but we were talking about it before and now they’re really cheap and offering incentives. I get it that cruises are like petri dishes and that norovirus is actually a bigger thing. I’ve never really wanted to go on a cruise, so who knows. My employer would probably require me to isolate myself for two weeks afterward, so I’m guessing it’s not a great idea to be gone for 4 days then isolated for two weeks. We really are just tossing around the idea and we joked about the fact that both of us did a lot of things as kids that people today would be horrified by.
Anon
Staying home is cheap too.
anonshmanon
also cruise ships are even worse than airplanes in terms of pollution.
Anonymous
But if your cruise gets quarantined or is for some reason refused docking, it could be indefinite vs 2 days.
NOLA
It’s highly unlikely that his employer would move to WFH. Mine probably will.
Anonymous
Definitely do not cruise. It’s one of the biggest sources of community spread. The Canadian Public Health Agency hasn’t issued too much advice but they specifically advised people to not cruise.
Senior Attorney
OMG I have been a cruise lover in the past but this whole coronavirus thing has me totally over cruises pretty much indefinitely.
Anon
Yeah… hotels and airlines will bounce back, but I’m not so sure about the cruise industry. I doubt I’ll ever take another cruise, and I really enjoyed them in the past.
Senior Attorney
Yup. I’ve been trying to convince my husband to give it a try and now I’m just out of the mood.
Anon
Between this Coronavirus stuff and the incident that happened a few years ago where the ship got disabled far from the coast and people ended up having to cr*p in buckets and eat moldy cheese sandwiches before they finally got towed back to port? Cruises are no longer for me, thanks so much.
Anon
There’s nothing we can do to prevent MIL from traveling to us for DD’s 2nd bday in April… so we’re about to but $250 tickets that have historically been $350+ as she originates from a tertiary city and requires a wonky itinerary.
BabyAssociate
YES. I have so many flights tracked on Google Flights right now.
Anon
Yes — frustrated that I’m in a busy period at work and can’t take advantage of like $100 round trips to Miami!!
Anon
Yes! I got tickets to northern Europe for $250 a person for a route that usually costs $850+ (I’m in the western U.S., not a coastal city). I realize there’s a chance they’ll be cancelled but the flight isn’t until September and I can afford to lose the money so I’m okay taking the risk. I’ve also been eyeing super discounted tickets to Mexico, Canada, and the East Coast but haven’t pulled the trigger on anything yet. I also bought some airline stock yesterday.
Anonymous
Where are you looking for tickets?
Anon
Scott’s Cheap Flights, The Points Guy, Hopper, and airline websites (Delta just listed a bunch of new Skymiles sales yesterday).
anon
if i end up getting the new job I just interviewed for I am taking a few weeks off in between and headed to south america. flights to peru are cheaper that i have ever seen
JuniorMinion
Yes I’m trying to go to Ireland! I’m in O&G so the whole current oil market situation has things basically shut down in terms of what I do.
Anonymous
I have a possibly TMI gardening conundrum. I started seeing a new guy about 6 weeks ago; we’ve been gardening twice a week since then. We’ve touched on our mutual interest in gardening… equipment and techniques?… of the more vigorous variety. He talked about and showed me some of his gardening equipment ~4 weeks ago. A few times, he also started some more vigorous gardening techniques and seemed super into it (and I gave lots of positive reinforcement) but then he backed off and resumed more vanilla activities. When I suggest using the equipment/techniques, he says not this time. I’ve brought it up when we’re not gardening in a, hey it seems like you’re into this and so am I so we can totally do that, but he says not yet.
I know it’s early but I’m confused. I want to respect his boundaries; at the same time, if he didn’t want to do this stuff with me yet then why bring it up in such detail? I feel frustrated by the vanilla gardening and I also feel foolish for feeling frustrated – if I didn’t know he had these predilections then I might be fine at this early stage (though tbh I would be broaching this subject now – openness to this stuff is a big deal for me). It’s driving me nuts that he likes to do those things just not with me. It feels like a rejection. Idk how to talk to him about this again without pushing boundaries, which I don’t want to do. Should I just be patient?
Anonymous
I would try patience. It’s early and for non-vanilla stuff, he needs to feel extremely confident in your communication and his ability to read your verbal and non-verbal cues. Seems like good judgement on his part to take a cautious approach in a new relationship.
Anon
As a stranger to the situation, the way I read it is that the excitement of a new relationship is satisfying now but it’s good to check you’re into the more rigorous stuff for later, like a check on long-term gardening compatibility. It can also be exciting to talk about more extreme gardening without actually engaging in it quite yet with someone. I wouldn’t take it as a rejection because he’s clearly into you if you’re continuing to date and regularly garden. And I think it could be a good thing (but I’m not really passing judgment) to build up to more intense stuff because otherwise the novelty of it is gone and then where do you go if you’ve started out on the highest setting.
Coronavirus -- action plan
So if I start feeling sick, this is what my thinking is:
go home
work from home
if I feel sick a week later or any time if I have shortness of breath — call doctor for next steps
otherwise: return to work when I feel better
If it is a virus, can you really do anything? And doing nothing and watchful waiting may give you a better sense of why you may feel bad after a couple of days / a week.
Ellen
My dad agrees with you, for me, as there is the COVID virus in Manhattan. So I would also stay away from sick people and not take the subway unless you can sit 6 feet away from someone, which is not realistic unless you are riding between midnite and 4:30 a.m. Also, do not get food prepared by guys in a kitchen you cannot see. If you see someone sick, keep on going!
Beam Projectors
Recs for smart beam projectors that will stream Netflix / Youtube at home? Budget is ~ $500. TIA! Someone recommended LG and I don’t know how important the cordless capability is in the grand scheme of things…
Anon
are people avoiding spas and mani/pedi places? i have a spa gift certificate that i’m dying to use, but feeling kind of iffy about it
Anonymous
Nope
Anokha
I’m avoiding my nail salon and threading right now. I think I would be ok getting a massage.
Anon
Wanting to know the same thing. I’m dying for a massage and I have a gift card. My state has only had one case, so thinking I might be ok!?
Anon
I avoided going to a massage. I am in northern CA (so higher risk). I have generally cut down on my time outside the house.
Housecounsel
Nope. Still going to PT and getting pedicures.
Backpack Recs?
I recently moved to a new apartment where I can walk to work daily. This is practically unheard of in my large southern city. I want to switch to some sort of backpack for taking my basic necessities to work (small lunch, wallet, phone, keys, and maybe once a month a laptop/some files) because even without the walk, my shoulder was starting to bother me. Any recommendations? I work in a very casual office, i.e. I can wear jeans to work daily. Right now my daily work tote is a brown leather fossil tote, which seems like the right sort of vibe in that I can wear it with jeans or if I need to dress up, I can wear it with business casual clothes. Probably wouldn’t ever spend anything more than about $200, but also wouldn’t mind staying around $50.
BabyAssociate
Take a look at Everlane.
givemyregards
I work with someone who has an everlane backpack that I think looks really nice, but it looks like they’re backordered. I’d go with someone really unobtrusive like this: https://www.rei.com/product/177002/rains-field-bag.
Anonymous
I love my state backpack!
Editrix
I see a lot of Anello backpacks in NYC. Lots of colors, not expensive, and they seem to stand up when unzipped. Anybody have first-hand experience?
MWDC
I really like my Nordace backpack, and get lots of compliments on it during my commute. It’s wonderful as an airplane carryone, too.
Anonymous
I love my longchamp backpack but wait until a sale occurs.
Anon
I’ve used my Lo and Sons backpack almost every day for over a year now. It’s the Hanover. Super, super basic backpack but it’s perfect for a work bag- or a travel bag, I took it to Europe this summer and it was a great day pack, too.
Anon
i live in Houston and was really hoping to take my kids to their first rodeo this weekend. would you skip it? local public health officials have not canceled the event
Angela
I’ve decided to skip it and not take my kids. The risk/reward isn’t there for me.
anon
i’m still going to lizzo on friday
anon
ha, me too. planning to go to lizzo on friday and take kids to the rodeo for the livestock show (and maybe some games?) this weekend. If there’s community transmission, will cancel.
BabyAssociate
Oh my I am SOOO jealous!!!!
Lizzo
Me too! So excited for Lizzo! Their rationale for not canceling is that 77% of the rodeo audience is from the Houston area, and there isn’t local transmission yet. I think it is still safe to go. I may not eat, and will probably bring Clorox wipes only because the person I am going with lives with an immunocompromised person.
Anon
Have there been confirmed cases in the area? Do you spend a lot of time with elderly people or people with underlying health conditions that put them at risk? If yes, I personally would skip it.
Beaglelover
I’m still going tonight, we have just a few hits in Houston, all apparently from travelers on a recent Egyptian cruise. Next week we are taking FIL and his wife to the Cirque du Soleil here, unless something materially changes. I would of course reconsider all of that if we move to more widespread community involvement.
Anon
I’m confused why people are still so confident coronavirus only has a 2-3% fatality rate. If you look at closed cases (cases with an outcome), 94% have recovered and 6% have died, which is a lot higher than the fatality rates that have been widely reported. I know there was a sense early on that mild cases were being missed and that would lower the fatality rate, but I’m not so sure. South Korea is testing widely and catching lots of milder cases and they currently have 58 deaths and 247 recoveries, so their death rate for closed cases is 19% so far. Can anyone explain why this thinking is wrong? Are recoveries not being correctly reported? I think looking at deaths:active cases is pretty meaningless because active cases are doubling every couple of days, and even for those who are going to die, it takes them a long time (I read 19 days from diagnosis to death is average) and so the death numbers wouldn’t keep pace with the increase in active cases, even if everyone who got it was dying.
Not an epidemiologist or doctor, but I have a background in stats/math and the numbers just aren’t adding up to me for the lower fatality rates.
givemyregards
This might help: https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/05/health/coronavirus-deaths-rates.html
Anon.
Thank you for posting this, this is great information.
PolyD
Many virologists and epidemiologists think that there a lot of mild cases that are never reported, so that would make the “case” denominator much larger than what we think it is now.
I think we won’t know the true fatality rate for at least several months.
anon
This. Even “moderate” cases may be going un-reported, especially since there aren’t enough tests and some of the tests haven’t been accurate.
Anonymous
This. I think the only reason Italy has an outbreak and the US is barely affected is that Italy is actually rigorously testing for it so they are at least catching most of the moderate cases.
anon
Yes. I feel like because Italy is actually pretty actively testing, hopefully in a few weeks we’ll have a lot more accurate data
Anon
I posted yesterday about my friend who was bedridden with fever for 2 days, and still sick 4 days later. He is advised to self treat until/unless he has trouble breathing. No suggestion of testing.
Whether he has flu or covid-19 or something else, if this is the typical response, we are completely not capturing mild cases.
Anonymous
I’m surprised by the degree to which US is behind testing compared to other countries isn’t getting more coverage. Like of course we’re not going to have as many cases if we don’t test anyone. It also means it’s going to get a lot worse than Italy if we don’t get the community spread under control asap.
anon
No issue with your general argument (I made a similar one a few days ago), but the number of active cases is NOT doubling every few days! It has been hovering around 40k the last week and is now creeping up, at least globally. In certain areas, the spread is faster of course.
Anon
One issue with the numbers you’re seeing is that the people who died did so sooner than the people who recovered. So there are a lot of people still recovering not counted in your statistics.
Anon
Has anyone been watching or been forwarded some of the Fox News coverage of the pandemic? I saw a clip of Trish Regan being absolutely nutty about Coronavirus being a liberal left-wing overreaction and a conspiracy against the president. I couldn’t even listen to the whole thing.
Is it survival of the fittest time? Will 3% of the people dumb enough to take this nonsense seriously be removed from the population?
Where do smart conservatives get their news, anyway? It can’t be from there.
https://www.wonkette.com/this-is-what-fox-news-is-telling-your-nana-about-coronavirus
Jeffiner
My in-laws are in their 70s, live in NYC, and have other comorbidities for the virus. Yet they are more worried about Biden winning in November than getting sick. My husband was so shocked when talking to his mom that he had to hang up the phone. At least they are retired homebodies.
Senior Attorney
I as at a party over the weekend with a bunch of people who were all “oh, I think it’s totally overblown and it’s going to be a big nothing.” Granted we’re in So Cal where I don’t think there are any cases yet, but still… wow.
pugsnbourbon
SA, I’m pretty sure there are 50+ cases in LA and ~20 in San Diego.
I know SoCal is more than those two cities, but it’s definitely in the region.
Senior Attorney
Well then.
That explains why two events I was going to attend this week have been canceled.
Senior Attorney
And thanks for the update. Don’t know how I missed it!
Seventh Sister
My parents don’t seem very worried, but then again, they loooooove Fox News and would proudly declare that two plus two is five if that was said on their favorite station.
I’m worried, but I’m not constantly anxious about it. Yes, we have slightly more paper products than usual. No, I haven’t kept my kids home from school and am generally going about my daily life until told otherwise. Yes, I laughed when my husband came home a few weeks ago with a new air mattress (we have extra beds already if we needed to self-quarantine people in a room in our house). No, I’m not trying to not buy masks. Yes, I’m still going to my (clean and extremely expensive) gym. No, I don’t think my MIL is going to be able to have her weird, probably contraindicated and slightly bizarre non-emergency surgery in a few weeks. Yes, I’m probably all wrong all the time.
Anon
My parents are liberal, but they aren’t worried. They are still working and traveling internationally. Granted, they’re pretty healthy (mom has no health conditions; dad has high blood pressure, very well controlled with meds) but their age (late 60s/early 70s) alone makes them high risk from this and they don’t seem to get that! They don’t look or feel elderly, which is great, except when it comes to something like this. “Oh we’re not worried, it’s only affecting the elderly”….uhhh… you ARE elderly. I think a lot of people think elderly = in a nursing home or taking dozens of medicines every day, but that’s not the case. Maybe Fox News viewers are using the same logic as my parents?!
Anon
Some people aren’t worried because there seems to be evidence that the death rate is akin to the flu. The problem is that it’s really hard to test for COVID-19, so only really sick people go in for testing. Those who get mild cases are substantially less likely to seek testing or medical care. Ergo, the death rate amongst people who get tested will be much higher than the death rate for all who are infected.
Anon
I’m in this bucket. I’m a liberal and think our presidents response to this isn’t great but I’m also not freaking out. I suspect (but can’t know for sure) that the death rate is not as scary as we think it is right now and I also suspect there’s no stopping the spread. As someone commented earlier, people are social creatures. I realize this is a privileged position as a relatively healthy person but I’m actually much more scared of a quarantine/mandatory work from home / something similar on isolation (especially one that could last weeks) than Coronavirus. But then again mental health is also a real thing and the isolation post partum lead me to a very scary PPD place. Then add to that I’m fairly certain even if we all quarantine for a few weeks, we are all eventually getting it anyways. Let the flames begin!
Anonymous
If everyone got the flu at once (for example, because no one had any prior immunity), it would be a massive crisis. The death rate for everything is going to go up if the hospitals are over capacity.
Anon
The current death rate based on closed cases is 6%. If there are as many mild, undiagnosed cases as diagnosed cases, which is the general assumption in epidemics, that brings it down to 3%, which is how you get the WHO’s case fatality rate. Even if you assume that’s double or triple the real rate (which is a big assumption not everyone agrees on), you’re looking at 1-2%. A flu in a really bad year is 0.1-0.2% (normally it’s <0.1%). This is at least 10 times deadlier than a bad flu. Unless you're a young child, because they die from the flu at higher rates than adults, and this seems to miraculously spare them. But if you're 30+, this is clearly much deadlier than the flu and it's really naive to think otherwise.
Anon
Oh, you’re so gosh-darn cute pretending to be an intellectual! Here’s some actual facts:
“Finally, the country may not be catching many of the mild cases of COVID-19. Often, as testing expands within a community, more mild cases are found, which lowers the overall death rate, Gordon said. This was the case in South Korea, which conducted more than 140,000 tests and found a fatality rate of 0.6%, according to Business Insider.”
Scientific American, “Why Deaths from Coronavirus Are So High in Italy,” today.
Anon
The 0.6% from Korea is misleading. That’s (total deaths so far)/(total number of cases found so far). But most of the people (~80%) who have tested positive in South Korea are still sick as of today and some of them will die, adding to the numerator and subtracting from the denominator. The correct calculation is (deaths)/(deaths + people who have recovered). This is not a disease that kills you quickly and spending a month in the ICU before you die appears to be fairly common (this is also why our health systems will be in such crisis — people who die from flu don’t normally take a month to do so), so we’re going to see a lot more of these currently active cases turn into deaths. Sorry if this comes as a shock to you. The consensus from experts is that the fatality rate is somewhere between 1 and 3% . Again, even 1% is 10 times deadlier than a bad flu season.
anon
My FIL barely leaves the house and has Fox News on allll the time, so … yeah. He’s not worried enough, and my MIL is paranoid about everything. Hope they balance each other out. At any rate, if there are any outbreaks in our community, I will think long and hard about whether the grandkids should be around them.
Senior Attorney
Well if he barely leaves the house he’s ahead of the game, right?
anonshmanon
I listen to the left, right and center podcast (political talk show attempting to be balanced and not crazy on either side). The ‘right’ commentator is usually the editor from the National Review. Although I was incredibly disappointed with his flip-flopping on the impeachment inquiry (going from ‘I can’t believe it happened, that would be so shameful’ to ‘I’m sure it was all Rudy Guiliani’s doing, that’s such a risk on National security’ to ‘oh well, it happened, Trump did it, it’s not impeachable’), if I make myself look past that, he usually makes pretty reasonable points. Of course, the National Review is for people who read their news.