Coffee Break: Dash Tote

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191 Comments

  1. It’s pretty, classic even, but it’s a stretch to say modern, unless we’re just saying words.

  2. How do you compartmentalize parenting so you can do your actual job? For many reasons, including being more academically inclined than my husband, I have always been the primary parent. From day care through high school, I was the one who helped with homework, dealt with the pediatrician and the various other service providers and the 504, etc. etc. Now our very smart kid is in a freshman in college who texts me multiple times a day with questions about coursework, freak-outs about administrative issues, and various other meltdowns. It’s a lot, it’s stressful, it’s distracting, and it wrecks my productivity for the rest of the day. My SIL, whose kids are grown, says I should just ignore the texts and let kiddo deal with things on her own. I’m afraid to do that because one of my daughter’s high school friends just flunked out of college, and because I hear about so many mental health crises among college kids. I don’t want her to think that I’m ignoring her and start spiraling. She did very well her first semester except in one class where she did okay after a challenging semester. There is no reason that any of this should be a challenge for her at all, except that she won’t maintain habits that allow her to focus in class. It’s totally foreign to me because I never had any trouble comprehending any of the material even in grad school; any problems I ever had were simply the result of not bothering to do some of the work. My kid is putting in hours of “effort” that don’t actually translate into comprehension or progress, and refuses to try anything different. I’m trying to scaffold good problem-solving skills, but I thought that we were done with all of this when she went off to college. I need to be able to actually focus on my own job so I can pay her tuition. Help.

    1. I’d talk to her and tell her your job is demanding a bit more of you so you won’t be available at the drop of a hat but you’re happy to talk in the evenings or whenever is good for you. And then don’t answer text messages until 5p.

      1. I think this is more than reasonable. You don’t need to cut off the emotional support, but I don’t think you need to feel beholden to your college-age daughter’s schedule.

      2. This. You can time box routine support for your kids just like you would for your employees. Schedule the home equivalent of “office hours” a couple times a week and let her know that you aren’t available during the work day unless there’s a true emergency. If her definition of emergency is different from yours, you can address that, but she probably just doesn’t realize how disruptive she’s being.

    2. I suggest telling your kid that you need to spend less time on your phone and will respond to her texts at the end of the workday. When you talk to your kid, make it a you issue, not a kid issue. I think your kid isn’t figuring things out on her own because you’re doing it for her. We all do this – the reason I can’t do certain things around the house is not that I’m incapable, it’s that my husband does them when I ask him to. In this case, though, you need your kid to learn to handle some of this on her own for both your sakes.

    3. It’s clear from what you’ve written here that you are a ‘rescuer,’ which means you are a natural caregiver and have a very hard time letting other people fight their own battles for fear they will fall apart.

      Your daughter does not need you to be helping with her coursework during work hours, and she definitely doesn’t need you taking care of her life for her. No one I knew in college relied on their parents that heavily, and we were all better off for it. If she calls you wanting to talk about her mental health and life in the evening? 100% be there for her. If she calls needing help with Econ homework during the middle of the day? Not your responsibility at all.

      College is a time for kids to individuate and learn how to take responsibility for their own lives. She is not going to learn how to maintain habits that help her focus in class if you are constantly bailing her out and acting as a crutch. She needs to learn how to take care of this all on her own, and I promise you she will not flunk out or spiral into a depression if you don’t help with her homework. She is an amazing young woman, capable of as much self-reliance and creative ingenuity as she is required to be. But the dynamic your describing is textbook enabling, whereby one person abandons their own needs to take care of another, at the expense of the recipient’s personal growth and ability to take care of themselves.

    4. What would happen if your daughter /did/ fail a class? Or flunk out entirely? Don’t set it up as the end of the world

      1. It isn’t the end of the world! I failed a class sophomore year and re-took it senior year, gave it a better effort, and got an A.

      2. I went to a kind of a pressure cooker university (i.e., no gentlemen’s Cs), but I know a decent number of people who failed a college course and are all now very successful adults, mostly in careers related to their undergraduate degree. Our freshman coding class was famously designed for people who already knew how to program, despite being billed as “intro to coding”. I only know two people who took it with no prior programming experience and they both failed the first time and got As the second time and are now both successful Silicon Valley engineers. She will survive!

    5. She won’t think you’re ignoring her if you have a conversation beforehand. Tell her that it’s time to manage coursework on her own as an adult. You’re not going to provide input on her classes and assignments anymore. As for the frequent midday meltdowns, say that you can’t hold an involved discussion while you’re at your job unless it’s an emergency. You’re happy to talk on the phone after 6:00 but she needs to sit tight until you’re home from work (and don’t coddle her if it’s a minor issue). If you think she needs to see a therapist then help arrange it but frankly I’m not sure how she’s going to function in the real world if she can’t get through the day without bombarding you. This isn’t going to magically stop after graduation. It won’t feel good at first but things can’t continue like this.

      1. Completely agree. Are you going to be on call when she gets her first job? (I suspect I already know the answer.)

      2. +1. I think the daughter needs to hear that her mother has confidence in her ability to handle things on her own. And, to be believable, OP, you have to back off solving problems.

        OP, can you apologize for being too involved, tell your daughter that you have confidence in her, and jointly set up a method for when/how you’ll be available to help her? Encourage her to try some ideas before calling you, reassure her that it’s ok if her plan A doesn’t work, encourage her to consider what she’d tell a friend, etc.

    6. I agree with your friend that you should stop helping her. She will figure it out. You’re not going to be there to help her at work after college, right? Why does she think you know more about the course material than she does in the first place?

      1. I have a bachelor’s degree in one of her majors and a graduate degree in the other.

        You all are right about limiting my responsive times, of course. I am just so afraid to do it because I’ve witnessed bad outcomes with a few other kids very recently.

        1. It’s also a bad outcome if your daughter never learns that she is capable of being an independent adult because you fail to launch her.

          1. +1 million. This seems like a much more dire bad outcome than doing badly in a class.

        2. My parents couldn’t help me with coursework by about my junior year of high school (me: science; them: accounting). Lots of kids study things that their parents CANNOT help them with and do quite well!

          I agree with the others here, sounds like some boundaries are needed.

          1. +1.

            It would probably be better for both of you if she couldn’t lean on you for academic guidance. She should be reaching out to her professors or TAs for help understanding assignments. Also, I wouldn’t discount the possibility that she’s in the wrong major, but that’s something she needs to realize on her own.

        3. What if you told her about your fears – that you want her to succeed, but it’s very hard to provide this level of support? I bet you could work together to figure out how to help her be more independent. Maybe go over how to reach out to her professor or TA, how office hours work, any tutoring or similar services the college might provide, and what late drop is and how it works. She should understand that she needs to be learning from her professors and not you. If she fails or late drops classes, it’s not the end of the world.

          1. That is exactly the type of support I am trying to give her–scaffolding finding her own resources. She texts me with substantive questions and I respond with questions instead of answers–did you check the study guide? attend office hours? visit the tutoring center? watch supplemental videos? Very rarely do I actually answer a question about the material. She persists in asking substantive questions and ranting via text about what she doesn’t understand, and always tells me that the suggestions I make are useless. The professor can’t explain anything, the tutoring center’s hours are inconvenient, etc. etc.

          2. 3:28, so she’s using you as an emotional punching bag, which is not okay. Even from an 18-year-old. Time to reset expectations. Definitely have a conversation with her about keeping these queries for after-work hours. And maybe a broader conversation about what you can and cannot do for her. This sounds like a difficult situation (And maybe she’s in over her head academically, I dunno. Saying this from the perspective from someone who has a kid who starts blaming external factors when he’s being challenged in an uncomfortable way.)

          3. I would set up a time when you know she’ll be honest with you, and ask her if she’s struggling with anxiety. I wonder if she’s really stressed at being over her head for the first time (happens to a lot of kids), and is scrambling. Worth a dedicated call or even an in person visit for a re-set to help her put together her tool kit for assistance that’s actually at school. Once the tool kit is in place, let her know the hours you are available for commiseration or chatting, but that substantive questions are no longer directed to you.

          4. She shouldn’t be in over her head academically, based on high school coursework and performance, SAT scores, IQ, and other indicators. She purposely chose to attend a school that’s excellent but not elite and that prioritizes undergraduate teaching. She definitely blames others whenever anything gets challenging.

          5. …. but at home, were you readily available to her for questions/answers/help when she was getting the high scores? No shade if you were, just that she hasn’t yet had the chance to do find her supports on her own, and she probably doesn’t know how to do it (or is too overwhelmed to stop and figure it out now). Again, no shade, but if she has unmanaged ADHD, and has never had to put her own supports in place, the right scaffolding right now is to actually work with her create an easily accessible tool kit that she can use for help (i.e., help her track down when her professor has extra hours, when is the study lab open, etc.). Just telling her she needs to do this things isn’t enough if she’s already drowning and has never done this before. It’s not too late – freshman year is the perfect time to learn how to put these supports in place, and also, what happens if you don’t use them and fail.

          6. If she doesn’t want to do anything about it, then let her choose that and suffer the consequences. Maybe she’s just not ready for college this year. I don’t want my kids to struggle either, but sometimes I cannot make them do what I want. It doesn’t seem like picking up the phone is helping her so just don’t pick up. She might do better with a week of no phone contact.

          7. What would happen if you were truly not available to your daughter? Like, her phone died and a replacement wasn’t available for a few days, you were stuck in a traffic jam in a cell phone deadzone, and were not able to answer her coursework questions?

            Would she just have to figure out how to attend office hours on her own, like all the other college students without overly involved parents? Would she have a meltdown and need to talk to someone in the college counseling office? Would she get a bad grade and maybe have a wake-up call that she needs to figure her shit out?

            Honestly, you are hobbling her ability to function as an autonomous adult by being so hands-on while refusing to set healthy boundaries.

          8. She begs for help and then refuses to take any of your suggestions anyway? Agree that ADHD could be at play here, BUT EVEN THEN, you may have to let her flounder or even fail. And it’s going to be hard and probably counter to everything you believe as a parent. Try not to let other families’ experience cloud your judgment about what needs to happen for your kid, and soon.

          9. Your daughter sounds like my sister. My mom was her emotional pressure release valve and punching bag. When my mom died, I became the punching bag. Fixing every problem she gives you doesn’t fix the actual problem.

        4. You are in the bad outcome now. Your daughter thinks you should be available 24/7. That’s bad.

          1. Unmanaged ADHDers are helpless, it’s infuriating. Permanent arrested development.

          2. You’re already getting good advice about setting time parameters around assistance. I’ll add a couple of other things that might be useful:

            Focus on shutting down the conversational dynamic that you have at present. “Unmanaged ADHD” has nothing to do with allowing spiral vents. One of my early bosses told our team to never come to him with problems but instead to come with options for us to walk through together. Bouncing ideas off of him helped me learn his thought process. His support helped me feel more confident in my decisions as I transitioned to more independence. But, more important, it helped me learn that “venting” is a huge waste of time. You need to do a little tough love to teach her this now. She’ll be in a lot better shape for the workforce and far less likely to attract negative gossips or complainers. It takes practice to be solution focused and shut down Xhit talking. And now is the time to develop those skills.

            You also mention her peers several times in a negative way. Maybe it’s time to start talking about what to look for in people you’re surrounding yourself with. There will always be temptations to grab pizza or whatever instead of studying. The more you surround yourself with people who have like-minded goals and positive habits, the more support you have (positive peer pressure) to succeed.

        5. I assume your experience in her major is at least 18 years old. PLEASE allow the college or university to provide resources! Believe me, they all have academic supports that your daughter should be using, including probably a (free) tutoring center. Your response above is concerning since it seems to suggest you (also) think you are her best resource, when in fact you are not. Source: university employee for more than 3 decades.

      2. For whatever it’s worth, my sister completely failed to launch and is still living at home not working and not in school at close to 30. She has a college degree. I think a big part of it is our parents never really expected her to do things on her own and always came to her rescue, and now they feel stuck caring for all of her needs because what will happen if they don’t? Change this pattern, and change it early for your daughter’s benefit. You’re enabling her if you keep “helping” the way you are.

    7. I don’t agree with all the people who say let your daughter flounder. My parents were very neglectful and didn’t help me with anything, in fact they acted like it was the biggest imposition on the world to input credit card info to pay for my college applications (which I promptly e-transfered the funds back to them.) Now we basically have no relationship and they wonder why. They also think my success is because of them rather than in spite of them.

      1. No one is saying neglect her and let her flounder. There’s a ton between that and multiple calls and texts a day.

      2. Mine were similarly neglectful, but OP telling her daughter that she can talk after work is a FAR cry from being neglectful in any way. A parent stepping in to solve all problems at this stage is an issue as well!

      3. My parents took out loans in my name for undergrad and paid them for me. I am very grateful for that, but beyond that I never sought or received their help in my coursework or my internships. They didn’t know when I was floundering personally or academically and never asked. Their only expectation was that I graduate in 4 years. Floundering is ok–it’s how we learn to build our strength.

      4. I am sorry that happened to you, but that is miles away from what the OP is describing. There is middle ground here.

      5. My parents were supportive of me attending college and all the logistical, financial and emotional stuff but not helping me complete the work. I think they would have fallen down laughing if I asked them to help with economics or French or history something. It kind of breaks my brain that anyone is calling mom for substantive help in college.

      6. I retract my comment now that I know she has unmanaged ADHD. Let her struggle she won’t learn otherwise

        1. Even without the ADHD aspect, no one was suggesting OP do what your parents did to you.

      7. Literally nobody is saying OP should act like your parents did. You’re projecting too much.

    8. Do not respond to the texts during your workday. I respond later to people all the time when I’m at work. Just start responding at the end of your workday, when it makes sense for your life. Let her know that you are too busy at work to respond immediately, but you always support her.

      When you speak to her on the phone, you should encourage her to get counseling at her school. You should also consider counseling for yourself. It sounds like you both are a little high strung, maybe even anxious. I’m not saying that as an insult.

    9. Get therapy. You desperately need boundaries for your own hood and very deeply hers, and you’re too enmeshed to set them
      Yourself without support.

    10. I have a kid on the spectrum and I try to give her the minimum of support I can and much encouragement while watching like a hawk. There is a thing called “executive function coaches” and also occupational therapists who can help with your daughter’s sort of issues. It might be good to, while limiting your availability during office hours, maybe add in a weekly EF coach for the spring semester to see if they can’t build skills / confidence in her and then start removing the scaffolding. Like there are professionals to do professional tasks and and then you can just be the loving parent.

      1. We tried an EF coach in high school, and she was the opposite of helpful. Instead of coaching my daughter to develop her own systems, she gave her worthless tips geared more towards elementary school kids. Things like “highlight the material you need to memorize” when her problem was breaking down complex concepts to understand them. Or “use a planner.”

    11. When I struggled in my freshman year, it was because I had raging depression – so I think it’s warranted that you have concerns about her mental health. I couldn’t focus in class, I couldn’t do my homework, I was miserable. So maybe you need to investigate the root of the problem.

    12. Teenagers need to be allowed to fail while they are in high school. They have to start doing things on their own. Taking the bus, finding their own jobs, doing their own college applications, solving their own problems. That said, it is normal for them to backslide and try to rely on us as freshman. And your job is to tell her that you have confidence that you can solve it. You don’t have to “ignore” her if you let her know that you are not in a position to be 100% available by text all day when you are at work.

      1. was she like this in HS, or is this new? If it’s new i might be concerned that she is in fact really floundering/ having a crisis but if this is a continuation of the pattern you had with her when she was in HS and you just magically thought it would be different, i don’t know what to tell you. My kids are still in HS and very rarely text me midday…..

    13. Why are the only options “drop everything and help on demand” or “ignore her”?
      There’s a middle ground – you can communicate with her that you love her, you want to help her navigate college, but you can’t drop things to help her whenever she wants. And then schedule calls on weekends and evenings to talk.

      Also please reconsider the homework help, even if it’s not disrupting your own work. I have STEM PhD parents who helped me a lot with math and science coursework in high school and college and while I mastered the material and did well on exams I took without their help, it did me a disservice in the long run because I didn’t develop good study habits and never learned to go to office hours and get help from the professor. It’s one of the biggest things I want to do differently with my own kids.

    14. I feel for you, and I also feel for your daughter because if I’d had a cell phone, this would have been me. It was so hard, in hindsight, to become a fully functioning adult even when I desperately wanted it. (Has she been checked for ADHD or executive functioning deficits? Those didn’t show up for me until college and it was rough.)

      I would suggest a few things. Does her college have a counselor or a student services person that could work with her? That would help get you off the hook in the moment.

      Talk to your daughter on a good day and ask her to outline things she can do to try to solve the problems on her own. Make the list together. When she comes to you, ask her what she’s done on the list.

      And then you can limit your availability by text – let her know that you will check 1-2x a day but for reasons, you cannot be tethered to your phone. See if she is able to solve some of them if left to her own devices for a few hours.

      1. Yes, she was diagnosed with ADHD in high school. (I wanted her evaluated in elementary school but her dad was not on board at that time.) At first it was great because she accepted the appropriate supports and blossomed. Now she refuses those supports.

        1. This seems like a very important detail that you left out of your initial post. What support exactly is she refusing? Meds?

          1. Meds, tutoring, counseling, all of it. I don’t blame her for avoiding counseling because the three different ones we went through in high school were all useless. The meds have side effects. But refusing tutoring and office hours and other offered academic supports? That I don’t understand.

          2. Can you condition the college tuition payments on appropriate ADHD treatment? Not like, “you must take XYZ medication every day” – I don’t think that level of management of her condition is appropriate at this age – but some form of telling her she has to work with you and/or her college resources to get this under control and accept the support she needs, or there’s not going to be continued college tuition money?

          3. I can understand avoiding office hours at first. It’s scary, you don’t know what to ask or whether you can even formulate what the problem is. It’s the hard thing she has to do a few times before she understands how it works. Usually they just assign different reading material. If it’s problem based, they’ll go over a few practice sets to see what the thought process is and offer some corrections. It sounds like when she’s asking you substantial questions you are overwhelming her by asking her more questions. Can’t you just give her a starting point and tell her to o google the rest? If her ADHD is anything like mine sh’ll start to enjoy the rabbit holes and making connections from the information and can go from there. I’d be pretty furious if someone in a position to help asked if I looked at the study guide or syllabus. Maybe she just needs a few hints on the answer to get her started.

        2. OK, as the parent of a very bright kid with ADHD, here’s my take: These kids tend to be experiential learners in the best and worst ways. In other words: she’s gonna have to learn the hard way that she absolutely needs to utilize those supports to succeed. And it really sucks for everyone, but continuing to bail her out (yes, even answering all these questions she knows the answers to) is not going to serve her or you.

          1. And remind her that for math and Econ, she can learn everything she needs w YouTube tutorials. I can’t learn in a classroom setting unless it’s policy or theory oriented (though I always showed up) and got myself through grad school math and Econ w YouTube.

        3. She has learned she doesn’t need those supports because you will solve everything for her. Change that and help her become an independent, functioning adult. Do you really want be solving every problem for her when she is 40?

    15. What you’ve written about her makes her sound smart, accomplished – and kind of mean. She harasses you, tells you your suggestions are useless and blames others for her struggles.
      There’s a certain amount of cluelessness/selfishness to be expected from a college freshman – lord knows I was no saint – but this seems unusual. I think you need to be very direct with her – you can’t help with coursework and she needs to focus on addressing her own problems with admin. You’re happy to talk about how she’s feeling – after 5pm.

      1. I think it’s not uncommon with ADHD to lash out when things are going wrong, but yeah I agree. We don’t let our elementary schooler (who has a lot of typical ADHD behaviors, though not – yet anyway – an official diagnosis) talk to us this way, and it’s less acceptable from a teen.

        1. Same. I have a kid with ADHD who is absolutely prone to the “name and blame” thing. And when he pulls that, we call it out immediately. It’s not okay.

        2. Thirded. Part of being a neurodivergent adult is managing your diagnosis in a way that’s also fair and respectful to people around you – and that includes not lashing out at your family/friends/spouse because you feel overwhelmed. Kids and teenagers are going to mess up on this, and try again, and mess up again; they need their parents to love them even when they’re screwing up, not to tell them it’s ok to lash out bc it’s driven by adhd

    16. I used to call my mom multiple times a day when i was in college, basically whenever i was walking between classes or walking somewhere without a friend. I’m 15+ years out so texting wasn’t as much of a thing then, nor was bringing your computer to class, but in law school, I used to email back and forth with my mom a lot. i think she liked it. but i wasn’t asking substantive material questions. she wouldn’t have been able to help me if i had. more like i’d call her and say i’m stressed about X test, or which dress should i wear to my sorority party. it was more venting and like calling a friend. are you sure she actually wants solutions? sometimes kids or adults just want to vent.

    17. I think I remember your previous posts and she’s very young for her grade or even skipped a grade, right? I would think seriously about whether it makes sense for her to take a gap year. Most colleges let you take a semester or year off without penalties, although socially it would probably be harder than taking a gap year before you ever start. I feel like at this age an extra year of maturity can make soooo much difference. I would have been a basket case going to college at 17.5 but was very ready at 18.5.

    18. That’s insane. At this point she should be able to handle most of that without daily parental touch points. You need to let go of apron strings

    19. My high school kid used to text me about various meltdowns during the day. Then I started a new job where I couldn’t have access to my phone constantly. I was in court all day and could check it about three times a day–morning recess, lunch, and afternoon recess. But I often couldn’t answer then because I had to get ready for the next thing. She learned to figure things out. Nothing was actually an emergency and for things that she just wanted advice on, we’d talk in the evenings. When I was growing up my mom was a teacher (and there were no cell phones) but I could not have accessed her all day everyday. She was busy working. We all eventually figure it out.

    20. I think it’s normal to call parents once or twice a month. Some kids call once a day or send a text. It’s really odd to call a parent several times a day and ask for help with class work in college. She has classmates going through the same material.

      She says she’s putting in the time and you say she’s a smart kid, so it sounds like her brain just isn’t catching onto the material for some reason. Is something else going on?

      Anxiety, depression, adjustment disorder, relationship issues? Stress or burn out? Poor coping skills? Personality disorder?

      1. She might have luck studying in the library. I wasted a lot of time “studying” at home before I figured this out. I needed to separate myself from everything to buckle down.

        I couldn’t even do work on a personal computer. All of my studying happened in the library and all of my work was typed at the computer lab. I was useless if there was any distraction.

        Fortunately I have a job where it’s my main role to be available for distraction 24/7 and I have very little focus work.

    21. The book “How to raise an adult” is excellent and may have some ideas for you. The ship may have sailed on some things since she’s already off to college, but at the least it will help you reframe in your mind what things are your responsibility and what things you need to hand off and let be.

      Actually, the author served as Dean of Freshman at Stanford for many years, so maybe her perspective is perfect for you at this time

    22. I say this as a college professor: please let your kid figure this out on her own. You can offer emotional support, but please tell her that she’s smart enough, gritty enough, and savvy enough to find ways to navigate these things, that you believe in her and you love her. Then back off.

      Practically speaking, you can tell her that you can’t talk to her during the work day, but you’ll happily listen when you have time after work. That will help get her out of the habit of firing off texts/calls to you when she feels frustrated.

      I know it’s scary to let your child do things on her own, especially if that might mean floundering a bit. I cannot tell you how often I see parents over-parenting their college kids to the detriment of the kid. Confidence and capability is built on one’s own, and you’re standing in the way of that (with love and concern, I know). And then you have to find a way to let the “catastrophic” things maybe happen (and they’re not catastrophic, actually).

      This isn’t abandonment. You’re still there as a loving resource and encouraging cheerleader. But you need to have a straightforward conversation with your daughter, and then you NEED to take two big steps back.

      1. +1 from higher ed staff (not student facing, but a small part of my job is to monitor parent FB groups, so I’m very familiar with the thoughts of freshmen parents).

    23. Are you sure that you kid is as academically inclined as you seem to want her to be? It’s okay to be smart and not be particularly good with academic settings. It sounds like maybe that’s where her dad is? Is she going to college to do your old bachelor subject, and your old graduate subject, because she wants to please you and do well the way you appreciate?

      Those are harsh questions, I know, I’m sorry. But it seems that you have helped her a lot with school over many years – what’s her inclinations or talents if left to figure them out on her own? Would she be happier as a carpenter? life guard? registered nurse? chef? there are loads of professions where being smart and successful might look different from what you have envisioned.

      1. Or even working in politics. I was a political aide for a long time and most of the work was solving problems on the fly, usually w many many stakeholders, which suited me much more than anything requiring extended focus.

        In college I was convinced I wanted to be a lawyer, because Legally Blonde had a hold on all of us. Then I took constitutional law and realized that had no heart for that kind of detail work.

      2. The fact that daughter is re-doing the mom’s degrees jumped out at me too. Pretty much everyone in my family is a mathematician. I’m very good at math but hate it. I went to a prestigious tech school to study biophysics because it was the furthest thing from math that I felt was still acceptable to my family (even regular bio was looked down upon by them as a “soft science.”) I was completely miserable. I loved reading and writing and learning about the history of science but not doing it. I really should have tried to be a writer or studied something like the history and ethics of science. I eventually ended up as a (non-fiction) writer in a very roundabout way but I would have saved myself so much trouble if I hadn’t majored in something I hated. My parents never actually told me I had to study math or physics but they definitely could have done more to encourage me to forge my own path. Consider whether this is the case for your daughter as well.

    24. I just want to offer support. I think this is really hard. I have a bunch of friends with kids in college right now, and I am so surprised by how many of these kids are on the phone or texting with their moms pretty much 24/7. It really strikes me as a cultural difference between now and when I was in college back in the late 90s and called my mom once a week.

      Also: it doesn’t sound to me like your kid is struggling with a mental health crisis. It sounds like she’s struggling with ADHD and executive function. I would try to give yourself a release from the fear that she’s going to have a depressive episode or a serious mental health crisis.

    25. I am so sorry you are both going through this. My kid had an ok 1st semester and then a disastrous start to 2nd semester when they went away to college. It boiled down to uncontrolled anxiety. I specifically remember taking the dog out for 10 minutes without my phone and coming home to 15 missed calls and millions of texts. As the weeks progressed it got worse and I needed to go to her campus and lay eyes on her. We had some heart to hearts and she was able to be open to our offer of counseling and possibly medication. She knew she was in a bad spot. And although your situation is different, I can tell you deeply love and care for your child and maybe she too recognizes she needs help (especially since she has had other diagnoses and help in the past). While it is important to put limits on the calling/texting (and any sort of disrespectful behavior), she may just need some face to face time with you while you both figure out the next steps. College (going away, becoming an adult) is a different game than what it was 20-30 years ago and “tough it out” doesn’t work for every family. Hang in there.

    26. Just chiming in with everyone else. You must stop helicoptering. You aren’t doing your daughter any favors. It’s time for her to stand on her own two feet. I would also stop leaning into ADHD as an excuse for her. Plenty of people have that and manage successful careers, starting in college without parental involvement. It’s one thing to give her some advice and it’s another to be this involved.

    27. Doesn’t a 504 follow you from high school forward into college (and actually, beyond that if you disclose to your employer)? There should be an office for student accommodations at her college. Help her navigate finding those tools at her college, empathetically tell her to reach out to them for support during business hours, and help her learn the difference between professional support/emotional support by holding fast to when you’re available vs when other support is available.

  3. I want to avoid being on my cell phone while I’m at home, leave it in another room/drawer and only check it a few times a day.

    Does anyone know if there are physical/landline phones where you can forward select calls from your cell (eg, calls from my husband, parents, etc to my cell would forward to this “dumb”/landline phone sitting in my kitchen).

    Ideally my kids could also call 911 from this house phone and/or select numbers.

    Does this solution exist?

    1. I just gave the landline number to the VIPs. They call it if they don’t get me on my cell.

      1. This is the way we’ve always done it. Side benefit is it also works great if your spouse tends to leave their phone on silent and you need to get ahold of them.

    2. My old landline isn’t even connected now, but when I do connect it, it’s all spam/junk/robo calls, so this wouldn’t work for me.

      You can put your phone in do not disturb mode, and anyone who is in your emergency contacts list will ring through. This is what I do with my phone at night. I want my kids, spouse, and siblings to be able to reach me anytime.

    3. I’m planning to hook my cell up to a blue tooth speaker so I can hear it anywhere in the house. Functionally, it would be a landline because I wouldn’t have it on my body.

    4. My solution to the first bit (needing some calls to get through while my phone is away from me physically) was a smartwatch, although it doesn’t help with wanting other people to be able to make calls out.

      1. I was going to make this same suggestion. It’s so easy to glance down and hit ignore, or find my phone if it’s my parents/spouse.

  4. Just got out of an LTR and am dating someone new. Any tips for overcoming the desire to fast forward to getting serious with this guy and just enjoy this fun, uncertain, exciting, getting-to-know-you phase? It’s making me really happy, but I feel like I’m constantly fighting this sense of impatience for him to be my Person.

    1. This reminds me of a dating coach on Instragram recommending that you tell yourself “this is fun for now”, “I’m enjoying spending time with this person for now”, etc. Dating coach Erika (she’s on Instagram) recommends a NATO approach to dating — not attached to outcomes.

    2. It’s been a while since I was on the dating scene (married 5 years) but when I was there I kept my desire to move fast in check by keeping alive a healthy degree of skepticism. I reminded myself that I had high standards that I would not compromise on, and you need time to see if a man can consistently live up to those. Yeah, he can be impressive and attentive for the first few months, but does he keep it up after the first 6 months? I joked about “boyfriend points” to try and keep me grounded. Late to date? -10 boyfriend points. Brought flowers? +5 boyfriend points. Nice bod? +50 boyfriend points. Favorite t shirt is falling apart and he still will wear it outside the house? -15 points.

    3. What’s underneath that impatience for him to be your Person?

      I suspect that under the surface, there are some feelings that come from the end of the LTR — whether that’s emptiness, grief, craving, fear, insecurity, loneliness, loss, sadness, etc. Whatever is driving this need to Have a Person probably needs to be brought up to the surface, giving some compassion, and allowed some time to heal.

    4. I can relate. When I was dating my husband I used to tell myself “no matter how this ends up, it’ll have been worth it just to know there are nice men like this in the world.” And strangely, that helped with the jitters.

    5. I think when you’re used to being in a relationship, that affects how you interact with people you date. I know I found that I jumped right to “couple” stuff mentally after I broke up with my ex, so I had to remind myself that I wasn’t actually looking for a new husband, and I wasn’t.

      It helped me to have stated goals of what I was actually looking for.
      1) to meet a lot of new people
      and if that went well,
      2) to meet a person I could see for regular dates

      Then I had to repeatedly remind myself that 2) being the goal did not necessarily mean long-term committment.

      1. This exactly. People who are used to being in a couple behave very differently to people who are used to be independent. There is an emotional vacuum that can make you jump into couple behaviours much too soon.

  5. I ordered a pair of Loeffler Randall loafers on Saks, full price, and they squeak SO LOUDLY. It is horrifying. I have worn them maybe 10 times, but I still think I should be able to return them. Am I right? If so, to whom should I return them – LR or Saks?

    1. Saks would be the only place you could return them. I do not know if Saks accepts shoes that have been worn 10x for returns though.

      1. Yeah I don’t think you can return shoes you’ve worn 10 times. Maybe if you’d only worn them a couple times but 10 is a lot!

        1. I would personally try to return them if they were expensive and defective in some way, but OP, failing that, try putting powder under the insole of the shoe. It may involve un-sticking it from the inner of the shoe, but it often works really well for me with squeaky shoes.

    2. maybe try a shoe cobbler? if you’ve only worn them inside you MIGHT be able to return them. if not, poshmark?

    3. I fixed a pair of sqeaky shoes by rubbing lotion all over the insides. I don’t necessarily recommend that, but there’s probably some actual shoe-approved product that would do the same thing that may be worth trying.

    4. 10 times is ridiculous, they’re yours now. This is how return policies get ruined for everyone.

  6. Y’all give me the strength to not throttle the most obnoxious man (stakeholder). He always emails my boss and my boss being the gem he is redirects the emails to me since I’m the expert and I do all the work, my boss really is just a people manager. But this guy still will not get it and constantly tries to talk shop with my boss. He’s been told on no uncertain terms many times not to email my boss ever.

    1. Ugh, that is annoying. Can you try emailing him directly or pinging in Teams, “Hi Dan, it appears there’s some confusion. {Manager} does not directly work on XYZ project and has requested to not be contacted on emails relating to it. Can you please email me directly going forward? {Manager} is trying to keep his inbox manageable :)”

        1. That’s astounding, wow. Keep sending them as a response to his misdirected emails until he actually listens!

          1. Oh heck no, step back here. Even if this guy is annoying, he’s the CEO of something and a “stakeholder” per the OP. That means you, as someone down the food chain, need to figure out how to work with him not the other way around.

        2. What if your boss stops forwarding your emails? Would your boss back you up by being more firm? One last response to the problem guy: “Hi Chadwick, last reminder that this not in my wheelhouse. You need to reach out to Jane directly with these comments. I am not her assistant and will not be able to forward your messages to her any longer.”

          1. My boss is too nice for that. It’s the obvious s*xism that kills me though.

      1. Time to create a bottleneck — delay all your responses since he insists they have to go through this third party. Slow down your response time/give worse service until he remarks on it, then point out he’ll get better results if he contacts the correct person.

        1. Boss should not reply/forward his emails/speak to him if it’s really forbidden

    2. Let him. It’s a new theory I heard about dealing with difficult people. Let him. Go about your business, he can deal with the consequences.

  7. I’m doing my biannual budget audit, and I’m curious about what others spend on WiFi plus cell phones. We have wifi and very basic cable (that is used maybe 2x a year to watch something like the debates) through Comcast to the tune of 190. It is decently fast. I have two cell lines through Verizon for 200. Both phones are fully paid off. One line has unlimited data, though I mainly do wifi calling because the coverage is awful, and I work from home. The other has low data for my 13yr old. I’m going to need a 3rd line soon for my youngest.

    1. We have three prepaid wireless lines through Verizon with a lot of data for $95/month. Comcast gigabit internet plus broadcast basic cable plus IP phone is $185. We own our cable modem and wireless router, so we do not pay to rent those items. I would drop the IP phone, which is $20 or 30 of the total cost, if we had decent cell coverage.

    2. You can cut that way down if you want – you’re paying a ton for the “basic cable”, assuming you live somewhere with options, you should be able to get 500mbps or gigabit (way more wifi speed than you need) for less than $70. You can get unlimited data on an mvno for <$20/line. Try Xfinity mobile if you stick with Comcast for internet; they have a big incentive to get you to bundle (trust me, I work in telecoms)

    3. Wifi – $60 a month for Verizon Fios 300 mbps
      Phones – $120 a month for our two Verizon cell phones, after a small employee discount. It’s a couple of GB of data. We never go anywhere near using it all but never stream video on cell other than watching occasional Stories or Reels in line somewhere.
      Don’t have cable, currently annoyed that YouTube TV is following in its footsteps by doubling in price ($80 now) and adding crap I don’t want to watch.

    4. For wifi I do t mobile 5g for $55 a month. I’m on a family plan with boost for cell – $22 a month for unlimited everything. I just buy my phone outright (no free upgrades through the plan) and use it til it dies. I usually buy an older but not old model to save money.

      I don’t have any cable (would love super basic ABC, NBC, FOX, and CBS but that’s not an option). I juggle streaming services as wanted/needed, pay for NFL+, and find somewhere to go if I need to watch something else. I would love an antenna but I don’t get reception. I’m interested in YouTube TV (lots of friends have it and love it but it’s gotten too expensive).

      My rule of thumb is to always avoid the big names: Comcast, Verizon, etc. They’re never the best deal

      1. Literally buy an antenna if you have somewhere to put it – you can still get basic channels free over the air!

    5. We have verizon fios for internet, 54.99 a month and it is fast (I have 3 teens). For my google fi I have 3 lines (me and the 2 older teens) and it runs about 90/month. We also have a lot of streaming services but I haven’t added those up lately.

    6. We have home internet through Spectrum for $83 per month (no cable, no bundled anything). We purchased our own very good router for WiFi. Speed is apparently just fine to support my husband’s gaming addiction.

      We have two cell phone lines through Verizon with unlimited data on both. Together, they total just under $100 per month. Verizon is the only provider with reliable cell phone signal in our rural location. One phone is paid off, the other is on a no-interest payment plan through Apple.

      1. Public service announcement on the issue of only 1 provider having good signal in your area:

        There are really only 3 US networks (or, have a national network of their own antennas): Verizon, ATT, T-mobile. Everyone else is renting service from one of these three. If you know you need to be on eg. ATT’s network because they have good coverage in your area, google “which MVNOs use AT&T” to find your alternatives

    7. What you have to pay for internet and cable will depend greatly on how many options are available in your area. Comcast has a monopoly on our neighborhood, so we are stuck with high prices. My MIL has negotiated Comcast’s rates down because she has Verizon as a competing option.

    8. $200/month for cable and Internet through Xfinity – the cost is annoyingly high but also not that something that we can’t afford and last time I priced out alternatives it was going to be like $170/month to get everything we wanted, plus the upfront costs of new equipment, so it didn’t really seem worth switching. I have a very high tier of Xfinity “status” due to our longevity as customers and I get some perks from that like free Peacock Premium, which I use a lot.
      I’m on a family plan for phones and reimburse my parents about $25/month for my cell phone and my elementary schooler’s smart watch. DH is on his parents’ phone plan.

    9. Internet is $50 a month for superfast fiber, and we have two phones on AT&T for just over $100, but should probably check to see if we can get a better deal, since we haven’t done this in a while and it’s crept up over time. No cable, we just rotate streaming services and have an antenna for local channels.

      OP, I wouldn’t pay for cable in your situation, you can definitely find other ways to watch debates. Even when I lived in a place with bad over the air reception, we still got one or two channels on our antenna, plus various streaming services and YouTube stream stuff like that.

    10. I have Mint unlimited everything (uses T-Mobile’s network) for $240/year or is it $260. Either way, low. Phone is paid off.

      Wifi is the only thing available to me, Xfinity. Not sure on speed but it’s fast enough to stream and WFH with no issues for $70/mo.

      No cable, I have a flat antenna but honestly use streaming if the TV is even on.

  8. How do people who have shared spaces (couples, roommates) navigate working from home when one person must have raging undiagnosed ADHD? And too many places have an open floor plan? Just retreat to the bedroom (but what if that is shared or you have a studio with a BF)? Is this when people buy a co-working membership (and can you specify, “must be generous with the heat in the winter” and “must be relatively quiet / still”? I have no problems working in common areas like airports or restaurants or libraries, even if some of the above are noisy. It’s just the familiarity seems to breed a level of casualness and distractions that I am not dealing well with.

    1. I forced my DH to go get a diagnosis and meds. Forcing you to deal with their unmanaged chaos is rude and child like.

      1. Lots of people have (probably undiagnosed) ADHD without medicating themselves. I’m not sure I’d take kindly to my spouse “forcing” me to take any medication, ever. It’s not a casual thing.

        1. +1 – my husband has ADHD and is not on meds. To quote Senior Attorney, it’s the price of admission.

          1. Um not the poster you’re replying to but it’s actually possible to manage adhd without meds. My husband has it as well and is not on meds and is a fully functioning, highly capable adult with a high powered job who executive functions perfectly well around the house too. My god, there are other ways to manage it besides meds.

        2. You don’t get to incessantly bother someone because you refuse to engage in emotional regulation and inappropriately dopamine seek

          1. Say it as many times as you want, but a broken brain is still broken. There’s no option to just choose to have it work right or “refuse to have ADHD.”

    2. Thankfully I am not in this boat, but I would 100% find somewhere out of my house to work if I had this situation.

    3. Honest answer, I went back to the office. We never solved this problem, and I say this as someone with the ideal wfh set up (which each have our own dedicated room as an office with a door).

      1. Yikes! It’s still a problem?

        I don’t have an office and working on my bed has messed up my hips (or something) from sitting that way, so I have to go where I can sit upright vs lounging. I’d love a Murphy Desk, if that is a thing, but otherwise am trying to manage with a kitchen island or dining room table and I am bothered in both incessantly for hours.

    4. Is it your spouse or a roommate who is driving you crazy? Your options will be different depending on the relationship/level of personal leverage you have in it.

    5. Absolutely get a coworking membership. WeWork in my VVHCOL city is $179/mo, which is nothing compared to getting a larger apartment with more rooms.

      1. Could you have these same issues at a WeWork, just with a rotating cast of offenders?

    6. I don’t think two people can work successfully from the same home without each having their own room with a door, ADHD or not.

  9. Low stakes questions. What color hard sided carry-on luggage do you like? (Black? Other dark color like navy, grey or olive? Light color like beige or light grey? White?) If getting multiple pieces, do you prefer all the same color or different?

    1. I prefer a medium color (like a slate blue) as the combo of not super obvious when it inevitably gets some scuffing, plus it’s not broiling hot when we’re in the islands and outdoor airports, etc. It also stands out better among other bags.

      1. This. Black has its problems. 99% of all bags are black. I went with beige and . . . scuff city on the first trip (gate-checked, which happens a lot based on having to fly into a lot of smaller airports). Next time, I’m on Team Medium Color, especially if it will get checked or gate-checked.

    2. My carry-on is orange because I get gate-checked all the time (smaller airports/smaller planes). Helps it stand out on the jetway, and it makes me happy. Unfortunately it shows scuffs more than a dark color but oh well.

    3. My grandmother had a piece of 1970s orange yarn (the puffy kind) tied on the handle of her black suitcase. Gotta say, you could always find hers ha. Vintage yarn FTW :)

      1. I have a hot pink homemade pom-pom on my light grey spinner handle. It makes me happy!

        1. mine is pink and green and yellow – pom poms that look awful and no one has taken my carry on

      2. Word of caution, read an article recently that said those types of identifiers tend to get caught in the bag sorting machinery and are a quick way to get your bag lost. I put stickers on top of my bag at the handle. Has the same effect without the loose ends.

    4. My carry-on is dark purple. It was a gift and I never would have picked it out for myself, but I really like it–it’s different without being too flashy. I needed a new check-sized bag and didn’t like the layout of the one that matched my carry-on, so I went rogue and got a medium grayish olivish one with a texture that hasn’t shown scuffs too badly so far. I don’t know that I’ll ever use them both at once–I’m a light packer, so if I’m going to check a bag I just bring a Longchamps tote as my carry-on–or I would have been more inclined to make them match.

    5. I prefer non-black. My last two bags have been Tumi hard sided in shades of brown. The one before the current is a color my husband calls “root beer,” and it’s his bag now. I found it slightly heavy for me, so he was happy to take it off my hands. My current bag is more of a dark taupe-y brown.

    6. We have coordinating colors: Slate blue, light blue (don’t recommend because it shows the dirt), olive green, and this really cool terrazzo pattern.

      1. And this is probably obvious, but we tie brightly colored ribbons to the handles to make them easy to spot.

    7. We have black with bright green trim, and I love how easy it is to spot. I wouldn’t have picked it out myself but I’ve definitely grown to love the combo.

    8. I loved my dark clementine (orange) with cream trim luggage–American Tourister Brand. Sure, it showed scuffs but it really stood out and was easy to grab on a carousel or identify in a pile.

  10. People who work with animal rescues, would this rub you the wrong way/be seen as demanding/entitled?

    We love a “throw away breed” (a certain type of hound) that’s eu tha niz ed by the thousands in rural shelters. There are some devoted rescues, a couple FB fan pages, and a couple networking FB pages to get the dogs out of high k i l l shelters. We want to add another dog to our pack, but it needs to have a very certain characteristic: it needs to sleep under the covers with me :) Our current hound does, and from what I can see in the breed lovers page, about 40% of them will sleep under the covers. I don’t want a dog that sleeps on top of the covers (we have another of those). I don’t care if this new hound is heartworm positive (BTDT), I don’t care if it’s a tripawd, and I DO want it to be older and chiller and it needs to ignore cats.

    If I wrote up a friendly FB post in these groups and said I was looking for an older hound who sleeps under the covers, how would that strike rescue people? Would I be seen as demanding, annoying? “Look for your own dang dog, lady”? There’s just so many of them all across the south and I can’t possibly look at them all.

    1. I mean, I would just try it. The worst that can happen is some strangers will spend 0.5 seconds thinking you’re vaguely annoying.

    2. I think it’s fine to ask – what’s the worst that can happen? Some strangers think you’re odd, who cares.

      I will say that for my dog (and I think many dogs?) whether or not she goes under the covers is highly dependent on variables like the room temperature and whether or not the ceiling fan is on, so I wouldn’t necessarily count on that happening all the time even if you’re told by a foster family that it does.

    3. If you are specifically looking for a senior dog, people will eagerly forward your post to rescues with adoptable seniors.

    4. Look at the rules of each group. There are a lot of mean groups that will ban you if you post something prohibited.

    5. My experience with those who work with animal rescues is that a not-small percentage are a little nutty and would be very on board with helping you find the perfect companion. Especially because you’re wanting a breed and age that are not typically sought after. A lot of these folks love the challenge of finding the perfect fit, especially for senior dogs.

    6. I think you’d come across well if you were open to a dog with some troubles (age, medical issues) but please know that most rescues aren’t actually going to be able to filter for your specific question. How about opening yourself up to be a foster – they can never find enough fosters! – so that you can see whether the dog suits you and your family?

      My current dog (who is staring at me right now hoping I will move to the couch) is a rescue I officially fostered, but I knew within about 3 days she was staying!

    7. Focus on the other stuff first (older, chill, ok with cats, medically complex ok) then say that, in quirks, say that due to the current dogs preferences and the bed having limited space, it needs to be ok under the covers or not be a bed sleeper.

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