ByElizabeth Hours Updated
Comments 343 Comments

Tuesday’s Workwear Report: Vida Skirt

This post may contain affiliate links and Corporette® may earn commissions for purchases made through links in this post. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

A woman wearing an off-white blouse, black strappy heels, and a black, white, and green midi skirtt

Our daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.

It seems like I’ve been adding a pleated skirt to my closet every spring, and this number from Hobbs London might be this year’s contender. Something about the contrasting colors just makes me want to put it on and twirl around, you know?

I would wear this with a green sweater (like this one from Quince) to complete the outfit. 

The skirt is $290 at Bloomingdale’s and comes in sizes 2-18. 

Sales of note for 4/21/25:

  • Nordstrom – 5,263 new markdowns for women!
  • Ann Taylor – 25% off tops & sweaters + extra 40% off sale
  • Banana Republic Factory – 50%-70% off everything + extra 20% off
  • Boden – 10% off new womenswear styles
  • Brooks Brothers – Friends & Family Sale: 30% off sitewide
  • The Fold – 25% off selected lines
  • Eloquii – $29+ select styles + extra 40% off all sale
  • Everlane – Spring sale, up to 70% off
  • J.Crew – Spring Event: 40% off sitewide + extra 50% off sale styles + 50% swim & coverups
  • J.Crew Factory – 40%-70% off everything + extra 70% off clearance
  • Kule – Lots of sweaters up to 50% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Earth Day Sale: Take 25% off eco-conscious fabrics. Try code CORPORETTE15 for 15% off
  • Madewell – Extra 30% off sale + 50% off sale jeans
  • Rothy's – Final Few: Up to 50% off last chance styles; new favorites added
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 30% off entire purchase w/Talbots card

343 Comments

  1. Starting a new job where my hours will be roughly 7:30-3:30, which should be nice to be done so early. However, I’ve been working a 9-5 for years now… on days I don’t workout before work (2x a week), I often don’t get up until 7:30! Commute for each job is the same – I currently walk ~25 minutes and it will be a ~20 minute drive to my new job. I’ll have to get up somewhere between 5:45 and 6:30 for this job, depending on the day (some days I work out in the AM, some days I need to wash my hair, some days I might need to go in a little early to wrap something up… and somedays I’ll wake up at 6:30, hit snooze for 10 minutes and be out the door by 7.) Luckily, if I don’t have to shower or dry my hair I can be out the door in 15-20 mins. I do plan on only working out in the morning on days I have afterwork plans that interfere with an afternoon workout.

    Looking for tips on waking up earlier. I did a “trial run” of waking up earlier last week but I really struggled. I already go to bed decently early (10-10:30), but I moved it up even earlier last week (9:30-10). I already set my coffee pot so it’s brewing when I wake up. I have a light alarm clock (which does help a lot). I go to bed early. I have everything ready the night before (clothes laid out, bag packed, breakfast and lunch packed). I eat breakfast at work.

    On weekends, I usually wake up between 7:30-8:30 (even as a teenager I didn’t sleep in), so hypothetically it shouldn’t be a huge change, but I always struggle so much when I’m waken up by an alarm, no matter what time, and then I hit snooze too many times.

    1. You’re already doing the obvious, first things, so this may be a matter of practice. I will point out, however, that last week was ALSO the first week after the switch to daylight savings time, and I always, always, always struggle with getting up that week. And I love to get up early, and usually have no problem with it.

    2. It will take time to adjust. Are you actually falling asleep at 10 or just getting into bed at that time? If I was waking up at 5:45 I would need to be asleep at 9.

      1. Usually get in bed by 930 to be asleep by 10. That’s just a skosh under 8 hours, which is fine for me.

    3. We have this schedule for high school with a 15 minute commute. As an adult, it gets me into work early but I do relish weekend sleeping in and naps, even 15 minute ones.

      1. Adding: I am 2 years into this schedule with two high schoolers. 4 more years of it.

      2. I am taking a job in a school! Currently work in local government, doing the same work (staff not teaching) but in a different setting.

        I don’t love the early mornings but I”m excited to be done so much earlier than I am now

        1. Agreed — that is now the upside. It is rough. Hard stop at 9:30 to have head hitting the pillow at 10. And I’m sure to be deep into slumber by 10:01.

          1. Wow I’m jealous how quickly you go to sleep! If my insomnia isn’t acting up (sadly, it is this week) I’m usually maybe 10-15 mins to fall asleep, but that’s after winding down with sleepy time tea, a hot shower, and melatonin.

          2. Sleeping is seriously the only talent I have from my youth that has been remotely meaningful in my adult life. I think habits can help (and bad habits can definitely hurt). That said, IDK if rotating shift work like I see with nurses, EMTs, firefighters, etc. would blow it all up. Office work does not, nor does camping.

    4. This is my work schedule. The going to sleep earlier is the most important part. You could try taking melatonin during your cool down period, so that you fall asleep by 10am. Also having everything organized so its easier to start up in the morning.

    5. I was an elementary school librarian for a few years and had a similar schedule. I’m also not a morning person AT. All.

      The one thing I will say is that teaching was exhausting. I’d have to force myself to go to bed on time some days, but other days I’d just fall into bed and go to sleep.

      The best thing I did was try to keep it consistent – even on breaks. I’d go to bed by 10pm every night (regardless of week/weekend), and wake up early. Usually on the weekend, I’d just hang around in bed, but I was still awake by 6am.

        1. I have about 5 or 6 close teacher friends and they all leave events early, ten pm is late for them, even on weekends

        3. Social life gets earlier as you get older, thank goodness. I’ve always been a morning person and the pressure to just START pre-gaming at 8 to “go out” at 10 in college/early 20s was miserable to me even then!

        4. I think the OP’s commute time will be helpful here – but for me, I didn’t do anything with friends Sunday evenings – Thursday evenings. I worked at 4 different schools (and with the exception of 1), had at least a 45 – 1 hour commute one way. By the time I got home, walked the dog and made dinner, it was 7pm and I had just a few hours to decompress and get ready for the next day.

          I did have a few teacher friends and sometimes we got drinks/dinner together right after work, but this was dependent on me having someone to walk the dog before I got home.

          My husband and I would sometimes go out on Friday evenings and I could (sometimes) make it all the way through whatever it was we were doing, but not always.

      2. I won’t be student facing (working in the grants/financial side). Though, one thing I did really enjoy when I was on campus for my interview was the “energy” in the building that I think you just get with schools, even though I will have pretty limited interactions with students.

        1. That may make your days less tiring.

          As a school librarian, I usually taught between 4 – 8 classes a day. I give out helpful person and safe space vibes, so even my breaks were full of kiddos who wanted to hang in the library for lunch and recess as a safe space (ok, but I have to watch you) or teachers/nurses/aides coming in with kiddos who needed access to the clothing closet (in my back room because the principal threatened to throw it away because it was “taking up space”). Some days, my day was chockablock full and it was very hard for me to then fathom doing something social.

    6. You’ll adjust because you have to. There are no tips for this kind of thing. Just powering through.

      Don’t overthink this.

    7. My elem kids’ bus comes at 7:20 so my alarm goes off at 5:45 so I can have a cup of coffee in peace and get my gym clothes on (if I’m going for a run when they leave) or take a shower (if I have early calls). Kids get up at 6:30 and are out the door at 7:15. I either go for a run or finish getting ready. If I had to leave I’d be out the door by 7:30-7:45.

    8. Well, if I need an earlier bedtime & am not sure if I’ll fall asleep, sometimes I cheat and take a melatonin to get on track.

    9. The key is consistency even on weekends. There’s a big difference between 5:30 and 8:30. I made myself a morning person by just deciding to do it. I started by setting an early alarm every day, weekends too, and over time you adjust. Agree with going to bed earlier but that doesn’t have to be crazy. I’m lights out at 10, up at 5:30 and feel quite rested at 7-7.5 hours of sleep. Sometimes if I’m very tired I’ll go to bed earlier but never sleep in.

    10. I know this sounds like insane advice but when I had a job where I had to be there at 7 AM, I would schedule a catch up call in the morning with a fellow early riser friend or my then-boyfriend (now fiance, we didnt live together at the time). Somehow it was motivating for me to have someone to yap with haha. It didn’t take away the struggle entirely, but it helped. It also helped to have a few times a week where I took an early morning walk that ended at my local coffee shop for a treat. Being outside generally wakes me up!

      1. +1

        Sleep doctors recommend that it is easiest to do a shift like this by taking melatonin at night a few hours before bed, and a happy light exposure when you wake up. Sit by the happy light (Costco) while you drink your coffee/have breakfast.

    2. Do you need a legit wide or do you have duck feet where you just need room in the forefront? If duck feet, Sam Edelman and SAS and Dansko / Borns work for me.

    3. Here’s a flat at DSW:
      Darby flat by Bella Vita
      About $90

      You’ll want to search for “t-strap”
      A problem I found is getting the pointy toe. There are a lot of lower or chunkier heels, but then you get into rounder toes

  3. Does anyone have Ehler-Danos syndrome or other hyper mobility? Has it caused problems for you as you’ve aged and like arthritis and muscle loss has entered the picture?

    1. I have EDS, but I’m in my 30s so no experience on ‘aging’ per se. I honestly need to work out and start taking care of my joints more because I have definitely started noticing some wonky things.

    2. Yes and not anything severe. I have mild arthritis but nothing really limiting (yet) in my 50s. But I learned my lesson from my mother and grandmother and was very, very careful from an early age. That including not only the obvious things like skiing but less obvious ones like a lot of yoga (you will find it easy to hit those poses, your instructors will praise you, but you are actually doing permanent damage) and not wearing high heels (my grandmother could hardly walk by the time she was 60). Also, it is not a party trick. Just because you CAN rotate your elbow 180 degrees does not mean you should.

      I recommend a consult with a specialist early on to discuss what you can do to mitigate your symptoms because some of it is not obvious.. But a lot depends on the exact type of your specific EDS so I would be careful about sourcing your information from a general Internet forum.

      Also if you have hyper mobility, those stories about women giving birth really, really fast are true. From personal experience, go to the hospital as soon as you think you are in labor. None of this “five minutes apart for an hour” business!!

    3. I am hypermobile and my main complaint is pelvic organ prolapse. I was told it was likely linked to hypermobility, but I have also given birth vaginally, which is another risk factor. Apparently connective tissue matters for support structures like your pelvic floor.

      Nobody really talks about it but it’s important to maintain your pelvic floor health as you age. For those with hypermobility or EDS, prolapse is more likely to happen to you at a younger age (in my 30’s it was remarked upon how young I was for it), but it also commonly starts to show up after menopause. I was advised to use vaginal estrogen in peri/menopause to maintain vaginal tissue quality.

    4. I have hyper mobility that is not Ehler-Danos. As someone else said, it can be a neat party trick and impressive in yoga, as in I can still put my palms flat on the floor with my knees locked, but I have a lot of arthritis at age 60 now. I have trouble with one knee, both shoulders (probably need a shoulder replacement fairly soon.) And several of my fingers have ongoing problems. I also think that my case of tennis elbow that comes and goes is related to Hypermobility. At least that’s what my physical therapist says.

    5. I have hyper mobility and it has made me more susceptible to carpal tunnel syndrome and tendinitis from computer use. At 57 I don’t have arthritis yet but my hand specialist doctor told me point blank that I will get it. I have lost a lot of grip strength gradually over time since I first started experiencing hand pain from computer use in my 30s. It’s a manageable condition. I stick with an ergonomic setup and I have various hand exercises from my PT to increase strength. I also wear a custom fitted thumb brace during heavy computer use and a different one at night.

  4. I was talking to my therapist about this, and I feel like I don’t trust my own intuition or decision making. It’s good to get advice from all quarters, sure, but I have trouble deciding on anything from clothes to relationships without “sign off” from someone else like my mom or a friend. I think this comes from being told I am not stylish or don’t have strong social skills, and somewhere along the way I internalized it. This isn’t obvious to people because I do a lot of unconventional things, but I basically in all of those cases I wanted the unconventional thing so badly it overrode this.

    Has anyone else felt like this? How did you get over the instinct to need approval for things? I don’t even fully know where this is coming from other than the internalized insecurity thing.

    1. This was me, and turns out it’s because I was lacking a certain mental health diagnosis, which once I received it put a lot of things into perspective. I have my own decision making framework now and although I do ask for opinions on clothes still from my bestie it’s not because insecurity, it’s because she often has a viewpoint I lack and I end up with a better informed decision. Are you collecting information or seeking permission? If your bestie told you to do something egregious would you still go along with it?

      1. No if it was egregious I would not do it. I wouldn’t at all jump off a bridge if all my friends were doing it. I would say it even extends to when I ask a friend/sister for advice I’m not really asking for advice, I just want their “permission” to do something I really want to do. Which I know is wild.

        Like my sister likes playing “devils advocate” over decisions with her friends bc she sees it as discussing all sides. I really hate it when she does that and I think its because I’m not at the point where I’m discussing it, I just want sign off. Which I realize is not really a nice position to put her in, but in my defense I didn’t realize that was what was going on!

    2. This is me, to a certain degree. First, be really patient with yourself. Noticing internalized habits, and then undoing them, takes a lot of time and effort.

      Second, try keeping things to yourself. It’s difficult for me, but I’ve found that if I keep decisions to myself (start small — what to have for lunch, what shirt to buy), then I have to choose on my own.

      It’s a process, and some days I do “better” than others.

      1. Yeah I think I’ve gotten into the habit of asking people for input on lunch, shirts etc when that’s just unnecessary. That’s a good point. I have noticed that other people don’t ask others for input on this many things.

    3. I mean people post all sorts of questions here, I assume also looking for validation.

      1. Whatever condition you have, I’d say 99% of the posters asking questions here do too.

    4. This was me also because my “partner” husband of 20 years tore me down a lot.

      You know —- asking for advice is a sign of wise judgment! My soon-to-be-ex still is very poor at asking for advice and taking it – I can tell by the moves he is making in our divorce case, among others.

      I would trust you! Why don’t you trust you? Who cares if you’re bad at style? I like country music and people made fun of me but you know what – I like it! What’s the he worse that happens if I am a huge dork?! Nothing!

      It’ll be ok!

    5. Here’s an interpretation that may not fit you AT ALL. It’s just something I’m wondering about.
      You said you do unconventional things.
      Could part of the “seeking approval/permission” thing be that your instincts and desires ARE unconventional, most of the time? And that if you did what you wanted to do, you’d be very different from a lot of the people around you? So you seek out their approval/permission, because then you know that they won’t reject you even if you are very different from them?

      1. That is interesting. My instincts and desires definitely are unconventional many times. I often think it would either be easier if I was completely uninterested in “conventional” things, or didn’t have such close, more conventional family/friends because I wouldn’t have to strike this awkward balance.

    6. Yes, I can be this way. First, the fact that you’re aware of this tendency counts for a lot. Sometimes, I think we just have to get used to making a decision and owning it.

      For clothing and style, I feel like I have been criticized for dressing too conservatively. This has happened since I was a teenager and I’m now 44, so it’s unlikely to change. It stings and hurts my feelings because I don’t want to be seen as a boring, unfun person. But also, I’ve had to kinda get over myself and realize … you know what? This is how I feel most comfortable. These are the clothes that make me feel like myself. When I’ve tried going too far outside my comfort zone, I end up feeling like I’m in costume and less confident. Being psychologically uncomfortable isn’t cute, either. I know I look nice enough, and I’m not horribly out of style. My outfits just aren’t exciting or super on-trend. (I also think there is an element of body acceptance here. Smaller people have more leeway to dress boring but be labeled ‘classy.’)

      I’ve accepted that fashion is not where I’m going to take many risks. I also am guilty of thinking too much about how I’m going to look to others. In the past six months or so, I have really been trying to center MYSELF in these decisions. How am *I* going to feel most comfortable, even if that’s different from what others might be doing?

      I don’t know if any of that resonates, but I think I understand where you’re coming from. It sounds like you do take risks when you feel like it’s a worthwhile choice.

    8. I don’t know if this is similar to what you have, but my sister, who is a very successful person now and pretty much over it.

      When she was younger, she would have the hardest time making decisions. Even going to a restaurant, she would annoy everybody by taking forever to choose something from the menu. She would ask everyone what she needed to order, which was extra annoying because, for example, everyone would agree that she should order the pasta, and then she would change her mind again and order, for instance, the fajitas. Then when she was having her meal, she would say I really should’ve ordered the pasta.

      It was the same with guys she was dating or guys she had met. Endless conversations about whether she should go on another date or whether she should leave him and move on, or whether she should stay with him.

      It turns out it came from a scarcity mindset. It is true that we grew up poor so there was a history of actual scarcity.

      So for the restaurant thing, some of getting over it was just saying to herself “this is not the last time I will ever eat at a restaurant.”

      With men, she realize that she was worried someone better wouldn’t come along if she didn’t go with Mr. Mediocre.

      Same with shopping, choosing vertigo on a trip, choosing a new car, etc. etc.

      I do know she got therapy for this, but also as she got older, her career prioritized her being decisive and firm, and that caused changes in all areas of her life, for the better.

  5. I’m looking for advice on how to best manage the process of reimbursement from my ex husband. The admin is taking 6-8 hours a month for the children’s healthcare and I don’t have another 3-4 hours to make pretty spreadsheets explaining each expense.

    I have three children, two with more intense health needs related to their disability. There is medication each month and weekly therapies. It’s a lot to manage on my own while working full time but I get it done.

    When I set up each provider my ex husband consents to the care directly with the provider. He is set up by the provider to receive all billing. The billing is applied after insurance. He refuses to set up his card for 50% of charges to be applied upfront so I pay and he is supposed to reimburse me. He requires I send him these bills already sent to him plus proof of payment and the EOB to show coverage or lack thereof.

    I’m struggling to track it all. It’s multiple children, providers and prescriptions/pharmacies. I do what I can in excel using EOB downloads and tie this to my credit card statement. This doesn’t include out of network or prescription data.

    Does anyone have any ideas?

    PS – Yes he is high conflict and no he doesn’t take the children to many of these appointments because they are with me the majority of the time.

      1. +1 to speaking with an attorney. Is this mandated in a child support order? Every jurisdiction is going to be different, which is why you should speak with an attorney. In my state, the first $250 unreimbursed medical expenses per calendar year are paid by the custodial parent. After that, the division of unreimbursed medical expenses are shared by the parents in proportion to their monthly incomes as determined in the child support order. For each calendar year, the custodial parent has until March of the following year to make a claim with the Domestic Relations Office for unreimbursed medical expenses. You have to list out each bill and attach the bill and proof of payment. The assumption is also that the custodial parent has paid the medical bill and the noncustodial parent will then reimburse/pay the custodial parent. So, in my state, what your spouse is demanding and what you are doing is actually normal and appropriate. Unless you agree to something else.

      2. Exactly – talk to an attorney. The reason to pay the provider directly is to avoid the work he’s putting on your shoulders.

      3. This. Court order mandating credit card on file with service providers and bill directly to him for 50%. If credit card is invalid or expires, he is liable for 100% of payments until rectified and that will be added to child support owing. So he doesn’t cancel the card without penalties.

      4. Yes, I was going to say go to court and have the court order him to pay directly. No reason for you to be dealing with this ridiculousness.

    2. This sounds incredibly frustrating and is a heavy burden for you to carry on top of working plus taking care of your children. Is there an attorney you can consult with on your options if you need to invoke legal action, especially someone who understands high conflict?

      A few other ideas: Have you looked into Our Family Wizard, which has an expense tracking component that allows you to attach receipts? If you are high conflict, then an app like OFW is great for all communication. Does your insurance have a way to download these expenses directly to a spreadsheet and then you can provide that to him? Have you considered pushing back on the information you provide? Or pushing more to have him pay the provider directly? (This is where an attorney could step in to help.) Or pushing the provider to bill him for his half? If he is getting the bills directly, you shouldn’t have to send those to him again.

      Second, so much sympathy. I have two children, both of whom are medically complex. I maintain spreadsheets to try and track meds, therapies, appts, reimbursements and the like. My ex is minimally involved and pays none of these expenses. My ex and I made the same amount of money when we divorced (low 6 figures). Since that time, he was fired from his job, worked at a grocery store, was fired from that job, and now works for the post office. My income has tripled, so it is not worth the hassle for me to try and pursue any reimbursement from him. He doesn’t take the kids to any appointments. It is really tough, and I’m sorry you are in this position.

      1. Well done for tripling your income post divorce. I’m trying to do the same and I’ve leaned into my career, taking on multiple jobs as the legal expenses from him taking me to court are bankrupting me.

        I use OFW but I don’t want my bank details online. I exclusively use a credit card for all online transactions. He is demanding I now use OFW for payments and I really don’t want to. They are a messaging app with a payments option. How safe are my bank details? I’d rather not find out the hard way.

        I’m also having issues with getting work related childcare reimbursed. That one is a lot more straightforward thankfully. One day I’ll write a book on the most ridiculous ways he has created conflict for the sake of it. It’s annoying and predictable.

        1. A bit of work, but if it’ll make your life easier day-to-day, can you set up a bank account at a separate bank that is just used for reimbursements? That way, if there is a problem, it doesn’t upend your entire financial life.

          Probably good to have a second account anyway, just in case your primary account/bank ever has a problem.

          1. I’ve done this and set up the extra bank account and related credit card. His complaint is that he wants to Zelle money to me and I can’t set up Zelle on that account because I’m out of allowed accounts at two. I have my everyday regular account and a second account set up with Zelle for rental income. It’s annoying but he could send me a check, complete an electronic transfer or pay the credit card company directly if he wants to avoid the wire fee.

            Let’s face it, the wire fee isn’t the problem here!

    3. I am really really sorry you’re going through this. As a fellow mom to a disabled kid, I know the pain of trying to keep track of insurance and therapy payments and so forth. (Are your therapists as lousy at keeping track of this as ours are?) One thing that might be helpful is asking your providers if they give discounts for an up-front payment, or if they’ll allow you to buy 10 sessions at once even without a discount. That will simplify the record tracking at least. My insurance only pays for 20 sessions max so the rest of the year is on us. I still use the insurance even though it only ends up being a small discount because it counts toward his deductible, which we always max.

      1. It’s a lot but have a pretty good system down.

        I have a medical appointment calendar on the wall which is color coordinated with each kid taking a color of red, blue and green. Each appointment is set up and/or confirmed before the start of the month. I know where I’m at with insurance this way. I take a picture and send him this.

        My credit card cycle goes through to the 20th of the month so on the 21st I reconcile all payments against what is online with their billing and what has been billed to my credit card. I also make sure appointments needed for the next month are booked, I’ve got childcare covered and I can locate any materials needed in my home. If not I order them for delivery. Anything not paid is put in an email to the front office, the ex husband CC’d.

        For prescriptions, some are for controlled substances that also require monthly preapproval. The dates are marked in the calendar for when the appointment needs to be and when the script can be written so it’s processed through insurance in time. I juggle up to 4 pharmacies per month because not all places have the medication.

        I managed to be assigned a case manager with the insurance company and I recommend pushing for this as it’s improved the approval process tremendously. We have a monthly call on the last Monday of each month to confirm the prior month payments and any approvals needed for anything needed in the month. I send flowers and cookies to our care coordinator for her and her team.

    4. We use the Our Family Wizard app, per our attorneys and accepted by the judge. Shared expenses are tracked here

      It doesn’t speed up reimbursement but it does keep track of things, including uploading receipts

  6. I feel like the skinny heel on the shoe doesn’t look 2025 current to me. It should be shorter / chunkier. I do love a t-strap though — it keeps shoes from flying off of my duckfeet (heels are always loose; if I ever win the lottery, custom lasts will be my first splurge).

      1. Nope. I just want my shoes to fit. Loving the Mary Jane trend at the moment but I want serious work shoes to fit also. Sneakers are also fine.

        1. If you’re judging shoes for “currency” based on minor heel variations, I can’t see how anyone with that mindset plans to wear something long term.

          1. I think the OP has a point though. These shoes are lovely, but around my office, the stiletto has gone the way of the dinosaur. Women are wearing loafers, flats, upscale street sneakers, and low block heels. A traditional “high heel” like this one suddenly looks like the equivalent of someone wearing So Kates to the office in 2019 would have.

          2. Ahhh… I think you’re confused. You’ve wandered onto a fashion blog where people sometimes (not always!) like to talk about current trends.

            This poster didn’t say everyone should throw away their skinny heels, just that they’re not trending. Which is true.

          3. I think it’s fine not to want to *buy new shoes that are already out of style* and doesn’t say anything about wearing old shoes

      2. Look, I have a problem with a lot of the conspicuous consumption here, but this comment is hardly it.

    2. I always find these comments so funny. This is an extremely normal, mid-heel t-strap pump. Super classic style.

  7. I’m RTO on a limited budget – can I get away with 2 pairs of pants? Wide leg and another type?

    2. (You can “get away” with just about anything, so I’m not sure that’s the question I would be asking.) Do you literally mean being in the office 5 days a week and wearing one pair for 3 days and the other pair for 2 of the days? I personally wouldn’t. I’d pay less for each pair and get at least one more pair. Of course, if you literally can only afford 2 pairs of pants (even if you buy them via thrifting), then that’s what you do.

    3. Yes. No one is looking, and if you’re a fed, everyone’s in this clusterf*** together. Wear what you have.

      1. I wear two pairs of black pants every day in the fall and winter. Switch it up to skirts in spring and summer. If anyone has noticed, 1. I don’t care, 2. They haven’t mentioned it.

        1. Like anyone would mention it? Be realistic. No one would mention that sort of thing even if it were to get attention. But there is somewhere between not smelling/having yesterday’s dog hair and coffee stain and a look of being pulled together. Are you comfortable enough for DGAFs these days or still trying to appear well-dressed and pressed? I’ve personally been at either end of this spectrum at different times throughout my career.

          If the question is repeating an outfit for style’s sake, then no one cares. Especially something pretty simple like black pants so long as they are clean. FWIW, I do remember a college professor who wore salt-stained pants all the time, even when we hit spring. We used to wager on whether he would clean them before finals. Now that I’m older, I realize he was probably just a jeans guy trying to dress for his class once a week and naturally wouldn’t do a whole wardrobe for that.

    4. If you post your industry/dress code and overall budget, I’m sure I can find you more than 2 pants for RTO… in addition to cheaper stores and sales I get a lot of work clothes thrifting. When I buy new, it’s pretty exclusively old navy, TJ maxx, and the like. I’ve never had quality issues.

      Also, if you mean 2 days a week RTO then yes 2 pairs of pants are fine. If you mean 5 days a week then you’re really pushing it unless you’re legitimately broke.

    5. I feel like BR, BRF, JC, and JCF are most of what I wear in 2025. Other things are in my closet but clothes from these places get worn (and are often washable).

      1. Gap Factory, too – the “downtown khakis” are $25.
        I work in government, and like the poster above, I get all my clothes at Old Navy, TJMaxx, Nordstrom Rack, and BRF and Gap Factory on sale. I need more than two pairs of pants because I’m in the office 5 days a week and the HVAC in my building is unpredictable at best.

    6. Honestly go to Goodwill and get 5-8 pairs of pants rather than rely on 2 full price pairs.

      1. I had to RTO recently without much notice. I have two pairs of black pants and am making it work. I wash and iron them after a couple of wears . I just don’t care and have no desire to shop at the moment.

      2. Agree with this. Also Costco just reduced a lot of clothing. I picked up cotton pants for $8.97 a pair. Machine washable. They are my weekend pants but perfectly acceptable for every other workplace but mine where it’s suits 5 days a week no matter what.

        Yes I need a new job because I’m not making enough to pay my dry cleaning bill but I’m not in a place where I can be picky. My clothes come from charity shops and our amazing buy nothing group.

    8. Are you a messy eater? If so, I’d probably aim for four pairs. Also, BRF has a ton of pants on sale for around $40.

    9. Try it an see is the most sensible way. If it doesn’t work for you, you can always add a 3rd, 4th or even 5th pair later. I don’t think anyone would notice if I cycled through the same two pairs but not all pants are created equal, you may find one stretches with wearing more, or you spill on one and need to wear the other 2 days in a row. I wouldn’t rush out and buy anything until I was back in the office a few weeks so you can give it a fair shot.

    10. I had 2 pairs of black and 1 pair of navy
      I would do 1 pair black, 1 pair navy, 1 pair gray, and consider black or dark wash jeans for the 5th day
      This means you re-wear a pair of pants or do a skirt or dress 1 day if you’re in 5 days

      Whatever

    11. Recommend looking on eBay and Poshmark to get spare / backup pairs once you find the pants style & size you like. I’ve bought and sold multiple pairs of pants this way when I went up a size but still love the style. It was cheaper than buying new from ON or Target

  8. I’m a fed who is still employed but anticipating losing my job.

    I’ve been going back and forth on this for months now and I have decided if I lose my job I am switching fields entirely. I’m also now deciding if I don’t lose my job, do I still want to switch fields?

    I feel guilty, I love what I do (nothing will match the personal satisfaction, impact on the community and pay/benefits of what I have now…new job will be satisfying and have an impact on the community but will pay much less), but now that I’ve been thinking about a new career for the last 2 months I can’t shake that I want to at least give it a try. I could always come back to my current profession if I miss it too much.

    I think what will happen is that I will love both careers a lot and then I’ll feel conflicted on which one to stick with. Not the worst problem, I know. But, I still feel guilty for leaving my current field, my colleagues, and the community I currently serve. However, even if I manage to not lose my job I know my quality of life will absolutely suck in this administration. And, the administration is doing so many terrible things I am afraid of being complicit. I am also currently limited in my protests and other political activity so if I leave government that does allow me to be more involved in my local Dem party, for example. But also, if all the good people leave then you only have the Trump loyalists left, and I don’t trust them to be good stewards of a profession I’ve given so much to nor do I trust the community I serve in their care.

    1. Omg stop wasting time on spiraling and start job hunting for all you’ve got!

      1. You realize it can be really hard to walk away from this type of work right? Especially when it’s not your choice.

        Almost everyone in my office is planning on “going down with the ship” even though we all know it’s a bad idea.

        2. Don’t you have bills? I can’t afford to go down with a sinking ship without at least trying to get a job that pays me.

          1. Right? Like I get not quitting with nothing lined up. But not looking? Money is real.

        3. Same in my office. It’s hard because the conversations among coworkers and friends is not “you have to do what’s best for you” (which is what leadership says) but it’s very much like “we have a duty, we took an oath, and we are not leaving until they drag us out kicking and screaming / we’ll keep serving the community until they force us out”

          Financially, I have good savings and was already planning on moving in with my parents’ when my lease ends in June (while this all sorts out). I have no debt.

        4. Exactly. It’s a different mindset, which not everyone gets. Obviously everyone has bills, but people working in federal government are already used to getting paid less than private sector counterparts – they’ve factored that in and still found it worth it. You’re doing a job for the people, its like a calling. Not so easy or fun to switch over to the private sector like that. And its not a company, it’s people, so the “they would drop you like a hot potato” is not as relevant.

          2. +1

            I feel for you guys. I’m in higher ed, which is becoming a bigger dumpster fire every year, and yet it is so, so hard to leave. (I’m also in a small market due to a location I am absolutely not leaving, so it’s not as easy as saying “just get a new job!!!!”)

          3. +100 that it’s not a company and it is a calling.

            Respectfully, if you haven’t worked in a “calling” field you don’t get it. Much like how corporate people chime in here to tell us we don’t get it when we say why would you ever miss your kids’ last baseball game for a work event (and I’ve missed a lot for work… but my work saves lives so it’s different. I briefly worked a corporate job and was like nothing here actually matters you will never catch me here past 5:01 PM. And, I get OT when I work late to save lives).

            Yes, the current administration is trying to be able to fire us on a whim, but that’s not an environment we’ve ever worked in before. They’re not going to drop us like a hot potato (unless its for cause) because once again, we’re employed by the government but we work for the people

          4. If you don’t have debt and can live for free, by all means, stick it out. I envy you this option. You don’t need to ask a board. But for anyone not in this position, find a job that pays ASAP. You can’t afford a calling (no shade, neither can I.)

    2. Don’t feel guilty for leaving your job when they will get rid of you in a hot second when they have the opportunity.

      1. It’s hard because the guilt is to the community who I serve, not the bozos who are currently in charge. Yes I’m employed by the government, but I work *for* the people.

        1. Yes, but the people elected a government with the platform of getting rid of your role.

          1. Not all of the people. A lot of people who need the help the most have no other way to get help.

            Also, my oath does not discriminate based on how someone voted. I’m here to serve all Americans regardless of if they voted for this or didn’t. If you need my help, I’m here to serve.

    3. please don’t feel like you are complicit by working for the current administration. if you want to leave, then by all means leave, but if everyone who didn’t like the current administration just walked away from their job, that would be terrible for us as a society.

      1. +1

        You are absolutely not complicit. You are fighting the fight and trying to make things better from within. That is not something to feel ashamed about.

      2. It’s so hard. Sometimes I feel like hindsight will be 20-20 and my staying will be seen as complicit. Sometimes I know I should dig in and fight so that some “good” people are still left. It’s so hard to know what’s right.

    4. I was previously in international development which has a lot of the same feeling. The way I think about it is both the importance of the mission – which is a huge part of why I took the job in the first place! and a differently “calibrated” level of my own financial need. I am not going to starve if I’m unemployed. I live cheaply to facilitate that. Yes, you have to look out for your own finances and well-being — but I don’t *need* a lot of stuff that’s treated as *needs* on this board. And I fundamentally don’t want to spend my one life maximizing only for my own security (and again, I’m not saying throw your own needs out the window).

      I’m not going to tell you what to do, you’re stuck in an unreasonable, unjust situation not of your making. Just wanted to say I see you, I’ve been there, and sticking it out to the end isn’t an inherently irrational decision like some comments suggest. If you can do it, I think it’s an honorable, dignified and inspiring choice. (And if you can’t do it, that is totally fine too!)

      1. I’m so sorry. I think working in ID definitely “recalibrates” you – I was in ID years ago and now work in a domestic policy area but living out of a suitcase or living in a “developing” country definitely changes your standards.

    5. Honestly I’m getting tired of the feds here who think they’re the only ones doing good work in the world. Plenty of people do good work at state governments, local governments, non-profits, think tanks, membership organizations, etc. You can do good for the world and have more job stability. You don’t need to be a martyr and if you are going to be, that’s on you.

      1. I’m a fed and I don’t and no one I work with thinks that. I don’t know a fed who doesn’t work closely with a state or local counterpart. The work we all do is very aligned with our state and local partners.

        Part of the issue though is employment in those sectors is just as unstable as federal employment. I came from local government, but they’re not hiring because my old department was fully funded by federal grants. Ditto the NGO I used to work for and the federal contractor I used to work for.

        There are of course jobs that are totally unrelated to government and its associated sectors (non profit and NGOs) that are doing good. I come from a family of teachers (and yes, they’re public sector employees but they’re not government).

        However, a lot of people both on this board and IRL have jobs that are purely capitalist and don’t contribute to the common good. And they live their lives the same way. And they look down on those of us who have given up higher salaries and better conditions to work in the public sector. And now they’re telling us “I told you so”, even though it’s their mindset that got us into the g0dd@mn clusterf*&k we’re in now.

        So, it very realistically looks like for me I can stay with the feds and hope I keep my job or I need to go get a totally different, unrelated job.

      2. I hear you but I’m giving them a pass. Their livelihoods and reputations are being attacked.

        I’m also a full career in public and non profit sectors so I get it.

        1. The “over-explaining” the mission or the calling is not for the fellow public employees. They get it. We’re all on the same team – and we all know that. Most people bounce around between levels of government and non-profits and NGOs throughout their career – I’m a fed now but I’ve also been local government and NGO before.

          But, a lot of people don’t get it and the explaining its a calling and not something I can easily walk away from is for them. If you’re calling it a company or saying “they’ll get rid of you in a hot second when they have an opportunity” then you don’t get it and I have to explain the mission.

      3. 1. I don’t know a single fed who thinks this way. So much of our work is so closely tied to state and local government, NGOs and non profits and the like. Also, so many of us (myself included) came from one of these sectors. No one thinks they’re the only ones fighting the good fight.

        2. These jobs aren’t hiring. These jobs are equally unstable. I was talking to friends at the state agency where I used to work – they’re dependent on federal grants and their jobs are all currently in jeopardy. The NGO I used to work for has all but completely shut down as it was funded by USAID grants.

        3. People on this board (before, but especially now) have been somewhere between ignorant to downright horrible to those in “helping” professions. If you haven’t worked in one of these mission-based jobs, you don’t get it. It’s really hard to just quit – if you leave, who will take up the mantle? You don’t work for a company, you happily do things that others would think are crazy (6 month TDY to a war zone in austere conditions). It’s a lifestyle, it’s a calling, it’s not something you can easily walk away from. I know that the local and state government and non profit employees and teachers and healthcare professionals and others get it, but your average corporate employee does NOT get it.

      4. I’m a scientist in a fed contractor. The entire field of basic science is currently under attack.

        My institution is struggling with loss of support, academia is being hit by the indirect cap (basically a 40% cut in awarded funds), grant proposals which contain such divisive terms as “woman” or “hormone” will be rejected, (provided scientific review committees ever meet again to award new grants), and arbitrary, fundamental technologies like mRNA delivery are being targeted because a significant number of idiots hate vaccines. Oh and industrial biotech has kowtowed to the new administration.

        I’m not sure where you think I should go.

      5. I’m not sure if state & local government, non profit, think tanks etc are that much more stable right now. This conversation is essentially about any public sector/nonprofit vs. private, not fed vs. any other public sector.

    6. Do what you need for yourself. You do not owe your employer or coworkers ANYTHING. Either of them would do what is best for them without a second thought, and without any consideration for you, so again, please do what is best for you. It’s tough to make a transition, and inertia is a powerful force, but once you leave your current, untenable situation behind and move one, you won’t really look back. Good luck!

  9. My dad is getting married in early May. His fiancée has asked the women in the immediate family to wear red dresses. I have a new fit and flare midi dress that looks good.

    I’m 53, and I look like it. My legs really look like it. I wear black tights in the winter, but I need some really good pantyhose for spring. I’m trying to avoid Am@zon as my default. I have Kohl’s, Ross and TJ Maxx in town, and I can order from about anywhere. The biggest issue is finding something that fits, as I’m size 20/XXL and 5’3”.

    1. With a midi, not a lot of leg real estate is showing. Do you need smoothing? Anti chub rub? To cover broken spider veins? Support? All different answers. Also: skirts cling to hose. Do you have a slip or is the dress lined?

      1. Dress is lightly lined. I have serious chub, lots of rippled bruising, and a gut that looks best with support/containment. I have two support garments, one of which has boning like a Victorian corset. Maybe one of those combined with a good spray tan.

    2. I just love that you’re 53 and your dad is still finding love at his age (I hope you like his fiance, or can at least tolerate her… but it seems nice (from this very small snippet) that she’s including the immediate family).

      1. To say that it has been a bit of a process to get to where I am okay with this is an understatement. My dad never mentioned that he was seeing someone until he announced that they were getting married. At the time, it sounded like something that would kick off a true crime podcast.

        I am glad that he has found someone to share his life with.

        1. Girl, I am you a in a couple years. My dad remarried 2 years after my mom died and, while he did tell us he was dating, it was a *very* short courtship. To be fair, he was 79, so he didn’t see a point in waiting.

          The new wife is not who I would have chosen, but she’s good for him. It’s really hard, but ultimately, I’m grateful that she’s around.

          1. Mom has been gone for eight years. In the intervening years, he has taken care of two other family members who have died. I think he is wanting companionship instead of caretaking.

            His fiancée had buried three husbands. She talks to me about how much she loves him and what good care he gives her. I want him to be happy, and she seems to make him happy.

          2. My father-in-law is about to get married. Got engaged within 6.5 months of my MIL dying. These guys in their 60s+ don’t know how to be single. I don’t understand why his fiancée is taking the half of the bargain she’s taking (he wants to be waited on hand-and-foot, has a disabled kid that he has no idea how to handle care for, and has never cleaned or washed a dish in his life), but that’s her decision, not mine. He is not rich by any stretch, but I think it’s possible he’s tried to convince fiancée that he is. I do feel bad for her.

    3. You don’t need panty hose that’s going to age you ten years. You need spanx and Tan Luxe The Butter.

    4. Don’t wear pantyhose! Get a spray tan or use self tanner. I also like the Sally Hansen leg makeup.

      1. The Sally Hansen airbrush legs used to be my go to product when I wanted more coverage than self-tanner. Assuming the formula hasn’t changed, highly recommend!

    5. Since it’s a midi I’d probably exfoliate and then use a spray on leg bronzer instead it will look much more natural and youthful.

    6. If self-tanner isn’t going to do it for you, if the midi is long enough, you could buy knee-high sock style pantyhose, since the tops will be well obscured.

      1. God no. Horrific idea. The tops will absolutely show any time she walks or there is a breeze. This advice is mean and sets her up to look like she is 80

        1. Co-sign. I have a friend who thinks her skirts are long enough to hide the knee socks, but they are not.

          I agree with the recommendations for self tanner. If you do decide on hose, try to find some really sheer, probably expensive ones. And DO NOT wear opened toe shoes with hose!

      3. hey I agree with you guys but love those socks myself for the office (with full length pants!) for light warmth, lack of blisters and shoe stank – so was just thinking if they REALLY don’t show much w/ a long midi, and the other options are unappealing, it could be a backup plan.

    7. If you can order or go to a store near you, Lane Bryant and Catherine’s are good for hosiery. Torrid also has some options, although it’s not the best time of year for them in the Norther Hemisphere. May be able to find some sales though.

    8. Here is an actual answer to your question: Back in the day I used to wear Hanes Silk Reflections pantyhose, which come in a wide range of sizes and are available at onehanesplace.com.

        1. +1

          Yup this is the way.

          The control top is a bonus, and you can often avoid shapewear.

    9. Have you tried snag tights? They have short plus size tights/pantyhose. They have many creative styles but you should be able to find the classics. JC Penney used to, but I haven’t shopped there in a very long time.

    11. I just got the Target-brand Spanx Assets with control top and sheer legs… and they got a run as I was putting them on, with lotion and short nails. They were $18

      Please choose better than I did.

  10. I gained a size after gaining a size during COVID / perimenopause / no time for exercising. Ugh. But I recently got two new pairs of pants (nothing fancy, just from BR) and I look like a million bucks. NOTHING looks good when it is straining and you don’t FEEL GOOD. This is so much better. So. Much. Better. Admitting defeat clears the way for a different sort of victory.

    1. Yay! Can you include a link for the pants? I too have gone up a few sizes in recent years and am trying to figure out what works on my new body.

      1. Looks like my favorite has been the Hayden tapered pants from BRF. Just ordered another color.

  11. Need San Francisco recommendations! We’re going to a late show at the Palace of Fine Arts. I have a reservation at Bobo’s for dinner. We’ll probably be getting up to the city mid-afternoon and checking into our hotel (which is on Lombard in the Marina). Any suggestions of things to do before dinner? Fun bars/happy hours or other places to check out? We also might have some time between dinner and the show. I’m thinking we’ll Uber to dinner/back to the show, but we do also have Clipper cards, so Muni is an option. Any thoughts would be appreciated!

    1. Walk around Union and Chestnut streets, those are both close. Look up Eater SF for food and drink ideas. Most things are happening in neighborhoods and you’re in a good one for exploring and finding cute things. Skip Muni, it’s dangerous and doesn’t go anywhere. Download Waymo to take the driverless cars, which are fantastic. Have fun.

      1. I only use Muni during the day, but I find it clean, safe, and very useful. So safe, my kids will be allowed to use it with friends (to go to Chinatown from the Caltrain, since that’s what they know well) as soon as they’re old enough to go that far without an adult.

          1. I live here, and I think Muni is fine. I take it with my kids and they’ll be allowed to take it on their own when they’re old enough.

          2. I live in SF and take MUNI every day. So do most people in my neighborhood. It’s fine! We’re fine!

          3. I take Muni all the time. I don’t know where you’re coming up with your sample of “no one,” but clearly people are taking the buses and street cars.

    2. We always squeeze in a visit to the Tonga room whenever we can in SF. Very kitsch and the drinks are always strong.

    3. If you are around Lombard street in the Marina, and up for a good walk, take it up and down the hill (crooked street) and then continue on until North Beach. Once in North Beach, have dinner at Trattoria Contadina, a true gem of an Italian restaurant (better than Bobo’s IMO). Go to Club Fugazi for an acrobatic show. Maybe hit a blues club around Grant and Green in North Beach. Take a Waymo home.

  12. I have a job interview today for a senior level job that I am excited and nervous for. Please send me good thoughts.

    I’m still working on my list of questions to ask. Do you have any question that you really like to ask in interviews?

    1. Real questions, how does the exec team get along, how is the group perceived, what problems are they looking to solve with the new group head, etc.

      1. Agree with this.

        I like to read through their financials and ask questions based on the MD&A section. I ask about the relationship with the board and the strategy shifts not documented in the MD&A but gleaned through various sources.

        Most importantly, if it’s not already abundantly clear I clarify my first 100 day goals and objectives as well as 6 month and 12 month goals. Before I accept a role I need to know exactly what I’m getting myself into.

    3. sending awesomeness :))

      Why is the position open?
      What would they consider successful 6 months out? 12 months out?

    4. Depending on how senior the level is, I like to ask whether this is a newly created position (and what growth is it expected to drive) or a backfill. And if a backfill, if they’re explicitly looking for a new direction or for someone to pick up and generally stay the course.

      1. Agree on this question. In my case, I would not have even wanted the job if it were a new position. That isn’t always the case, of course, but it is certainly informative.

  13. Do any of you own a vacation home in a warm location far from your home? Any snowbirds here?

    The Midwestern winters are getting me down, but otherwise my life is great and I have no interest in moving.

    I’d love a condo somewhere warm to visit in the winters. Florida would be perfect, except that real estate market has a condo crisis and an insurance crisis at the moment.

    Are there other locations I should look into?

    1. I’m not sure how far away retirement is for you, but in the next few decades the climate in the Midwest will be what the SEUS is today. I like living in the Midwest too and I am staying put.

    2. What about Arizona? That’s where my parents’ neighbors snowbird to. Are you looking for hot in the winter (80s) or temperate (60s, much warmer that the Midwest and you don’t need a coat)? Any activities you like?

      I’m one of the few pro-vacation house posters here, but ours is 90 minutes away so we use it a lot and it’s easy to just pop down for one night if we want. The logistics of a far away vacation property seem difficult when you’re still working.

      1. +1 to your second paragraph. None of the hassles of homeownership go away when the place is far away. I’d rent in a far flung warm place and buy close to where you live.

      2. I like hot in the winter. If I purchased in another state, I would pay a property management company to deal with it.

    3. Both of our parents have looked into it and decided that renting for 3-4 months a year, while expensive, is SO much easier than dealing with long-distance maintenance issues, insurance foibles, etc. that they opted against it. Naples FL was one area they considered and when Ian came around a few years ago they just… rented on the Atlantic side that year and counted their blessings that they hadn’t just bought the condo they were looking at.

      1. This is where I land. The house I live in is a hassle. Can’t imagine owning a second house improving my life. It would double down on my problems.

      2. Exactly. Owning one house is annoying enough, even if I could afford one, the absolute last thing I’d want is another house to deal with!

      3. 100% this.

        Personally, I think second houses are only worth it if there are within an easy drive (like 2 hours) of your primary home. A far away vacation home seems like more work than it is worth.

        1. I second all of the comments above about real estate being a total hassle. Take good vacations or rent.

      4. Thank you for this comment! A multi-month rental is not an option that occurred to me, but it does solve most of the issues! I did not like the idea of buying a condo, paying sky high insurance, needing to pay a giant assessment, losing it in a hurricane, etc.

        I went to Florida several times this year to stay in hotels. The packing and unpacking, not having a normal kitchen or bedrooms, etc were a hassle.

        1. What about a consistent rental at a place you like year after year and then storing belongings in a mini storage unit if you really want kids to have bikes/helmets/beach towels etc.

          There are tons of vacation condos and houses in Florida for rent on a weekly basis.

          1. This is exactly what my parents used to do. They would rent a condo or house in the same town every year for about 3-4 months. They stored stuff in a storage unit in the same town because they liked having their various stuff, especially cookware because they were wonderful home cooks.

      5. interesting! i imagine if they’re only renting 3-4 months a year then they maintain residency in the state where they own the home? (tax ramifications)

        1. Correct. If you rent for longer (the old 6 months and a day concept) there could be tax benefits to the longer stay depending on the two states involved.

          1. In many states, for example Illinois, 6 months plus 1 day is a myth. You need to establish in multiple ways that FL is your home state.

    4. I don’t want the responsibility of home ownership, but we take 1-2 Caribbean vacations each winter and “spring.” I joke that it’s the price of admission for living in the low cost of living Midwest. If you have a wfh job and no kids you could rent for several months somewhere warm. Before they had grandkids, my parents rented in Hawaii each year for 2 months.

  14. To the poster from yesterday. I have a few Indian friends who grew up in the U.S., and I’ve attended their weddings. Each time, they encouraged me to wear bright colors and all the fun and sparkly jewlery. Clothing that is much more colorful and festive than we would see at a typical white U.S. wedding. If you don’t want to buy something special for the event or want to buy something you’d wear again, maybe go that route.

    1. I am Indian American and I can’t count the number of times I’ve had friends borrow a saree or two for a wedding. I love lending them and helping my friends drape them! Once, I was invited to the wedding of an Indian colleague along with 3 other colleagues and we all 4 wore my sarees! It was so much fun getting together, wearing the sarees and jewelry, and going to the dancing and the mehendi events! Ask someone you know, I bet they will be so happy and willing to lend you a few outfits that you can choose from. And – Indian clothes are super flattering! They hug you where it matters, and drape loosely over problem areas.

  15. Is it crazy to apply for jobs that are below my current level? I hate my job and want to quit. I’m burned out and would like to have minimal responsibilities. However, it seems very weird to take a large pay cut and a job that only requires something like 5 years of experience. I’m pretty successful now and I think people will think I’m crazy for torpedoing my career. I contemplated a career change but for many other fields, I’d have to go back to school to make even less money.

    1. I did something similar when I left BigLaw for a state government job that is interesting to me but doesn’t pay very much and has absolutely no upward mobility. I have minimal responsibilities – and none for other people because my job is pretty solitary – and I completely switch off work during non-work hours to pursue my own interests, including nights, weekends, and PTO time. That was 15 years ago, and I’m still happy I did it.
      Some people want ambitious careers and find fulfillment in them. That wasn’t me. I wanted to make enough money to support myself and have time to otherwise do whatever I wanted to do. I think you have to decide first where you want to take your career during the working years you have left.

      1. I did the same. And guess what? That solitary no-upward-mobility state government job led to a job in another government agency that was much more interesting, paid a lot more, and saw me through to retirement.

    2. it’s not crazy but you’ll need to make a clear case for why you want to do it – companies will look at your experience and wonder if you’ll get bored, or miss the pay, and leave.

    3. No. I’m in house at a large company. Most of our roles involve a lot of training on the company before you can be useful, so we routinely hire people that are changing careers etc. We routinely have people that were partners at a law firm applying for a 6-8 year experience transactional role.

      The people that do best here have good soft skills, which are typically something someone acquires through experience– and a lot of people are able to articulate why they are willing to take a pay cut etc.

    4. I hope it’s not weird because I’m doing it. Like, VP applying for individual contributor jobs. I have a ready answer for when the recruiter asks me in the phone screen why I’m looking for such roles.

      1. Would you mind sharing what you tell them? I’m struggling a bit with how to explain things.

        1. Are you currently a manager looking to go back to an IC role? That is actually a reason that any manager will understand – that you realized your strength is IC, you understand that’s a pay cut and with limited advancement opportunity, but you don’t want the stress that comes with management.

          If you’re a high-level IC looking for a low-level IC that’s a little harder, I think.

          1. I’m the VP to (ideally) IC poster above and basically this. something like: While I’ve learned a lot from my leadership positions, I’ve realized my strength and interest is really in [subject matter expertise] and I’m looking for an opportunity to contribute directly to the work.

            (also, I find managing people exhausting, and not worth the higher salary, but I don’t say that part out loud)

  16. Shoe help. I want a beige/pale shoe to wear with dresses. I tried Tory Burch ballet loafers but they are a smidge too narrow. Tried Cole Haan stitchlite sneakers but they read too casual for my office. (But love the comfort!) I still wear sheath dresses as well as more trendy midi/flowy dresses, I also wear a lot of ivory/bone/grey and hate white sneakers with these colors, so am really looking for an option that is closer to my skin tone (lt beige). Budget ~300 for one pair I could wear with everything!

    2. I posted about the Lucky Louisaa Mule last week – their “cannelini” color might work for you. I’m planning to wear them with tapered pants, skirts and dresses this summer. They run a half-size big.

    3. I was just looking for this
      I ended up going with a low-tone gold instead of beige / NFM

      The NFM were all super high heels and fancy and I wanted that NFM vibe plus comfort

      Not sure if that helps. My budget was a lot less than yours and I was at DSW

  17. For those who work in jobs where there isn’t really upward mobility, how do you still feel like you’re achieving and accomplishing? Obviously you can get new certifications or skills, develop new projects, and do other things that are accomplishments, but your job is still more or less the same.

    For example, teaching or nursing. You can spend a whole 40 year career as a classroom teacher or non-specialized RN. If you want to move up, that involves moving into administration and thus out of the classroom or away from being patient facing.

      1. Agree. And also by mentoring others.

        This answer is so obvious to me that it would never even occur to me that someone would have to ask this question, but I think that’s the difference between being internally motivated and externally motivated. If you’re a strongly externally motivated person, a job like that probably isn’t the best fit.

        2. No, I’m quite dedicated to improving my craft (there is always more to learn, new techniques to try, etc). I’m getting oddly caught up in that none of my friends work in my field and they all have promotions, new titles, moving into supervisory positions to show for their work and I’m “just a teacher” and likely will always be “just a teacher”.

          Normally it doesn’t bother me, but between the low pay and “those that can’t do teach” and the fact that I’ll never really change what I do is bothering me this week.

          1. My friends who are just teachers are NEVER just teachers. They are learning and writing new curriculum and dealing with new technology and leading clubs and helping students get certificates or meet milestones (a friend teaches special needs school age kids, who literally need to learn basic control issues – she is THRILLED for them and always learning new techniques)
            They deal with new administrators and crazy parents and successful kids and other teachers and are literally never ever bored

      2. THIS. Plus realizing that your fellow teachers/professors (for example) who are similarly working to constantly improve at their jobs do NOT see administration as a “move up” but as a totally different (and, not infrequently, less respected) job.

        1. Yes, I don’t want to move to administration because I don’t want to leave the classroom. Maybe in the future I’d be a department head, but that’s it.

          But, it’s just starting to feel like everyone around me has noticeable accomplishments and I don’t.

        2. My BIL had a brief foray into administration-lite. I think he felt like it was something he had to do to move ahead in his career. He is definitely a natural-born leader, so it seemed like a good step. After one year as a department chair, he realized he absolutely hated that role and is no longer seeking advancement via administration. The classroom is exactly where he wants to be.

      1. This is mostly what I did. There were people in my agency who got all involved in administration and continuing education and so on, and that wasn’t my bag. I was happier doing my non-profit stuff outside of work.

    3. I posted above about taking a job with no upward mobility and being happy. I think I have a lower need to achieve or accomplish than other people do. I’m pretty content to do the things that I enjoy doing, including my job but also hobbies and family. Because I also am in a non-demanding career, I also have the ability to find the achievement and accomplishment in my hobbies and other relationships.

      2. I’m the OP and a second career teacher and there’s a lot I love about this position but summers off to pursue my hobbies and being home by 4PM everyday are high on that list. I’m a few years in now, which is where I’d typically move up a rung in my previous career so it feels weird to not be. Especially since it feels like ALL of my friends are getting promoted this spring and I am not.

        1. I feel this. I’m happy being a worker bee, but I do feel jealous when I see my friends and colleagues moving up in my field. I have to remind myself that:
          a) we all make choices and my job choice is just one small part of my life choices. Life choices are a bigger picture for me.
          b) I can be happy for my friends and jealous, but also I don’t know what it’s really like for them since I’m probably just seeing the positive sides.
          C) don’t feel like the things society publicly celebrates are the only thing worth achieving
          This is part of the reason I got off social media- I felt myself getting bitter anytime I saw someone working on a cool project or getting a promotion. I’m much happier now that I don’t have that noise in my life.

    4. I have a job like this and what keeps me engaged is that every project is different. Yes, it’s the same project over and over again, but the people are different, the dynamics are different so I feel like it’s constantly fresh and something new to work on. I think you have to keep soght on the humans that you are working with- like teaching, yes in paper might loom like it’s the same job year after year, but the students change and you have to address that.

      Besides, I see the work my boss has to do to deal with the politics of being the boss and I definitely don’t want to do that.

    5. I have always done a fair amount of writing and speaking for associations in my field. It has built up a great network of similarly minded folks and that feels rewarding (and has also helped my career along the way).You also treat each new project as a new challenge. My job involves a lot of RFPs. Every proposal we win feels like a celebration. And I’m always trying to come up with new ideas to raise the bar. Sometimes you also aim to work for bigger, more prestigious, and/or better-paying employers along the way.

  18. I do a lot of presenting at my job, so I’m on my feet a lot. Recommendations for nice looking (elevated business casual and current or on-trend) shoes that are comfy for standing for long periods? Can be low block heels, flats, loafers. Can be open toe. Cannot be sneakers. Not against boots, but would like something I can wear in the spring and summer (boot season has already ended here).

    1. I want to have loafers or heels, alas my feet disagree. That said, all shoes must be comfortable first and foremost, esp. if I am standing/walking all day. My latest success is closed back clogs in black metallic. They read as polished and my feet/legs do not ache even after a long day of walking.

    2. What did you think of last Thursday’s flats featured here? They’re actually called “standing flats.”

    3. Korkease if they fit your style, they may lean a little casual.

      Cole Haans are a solid standing “business lady” shoe for me. The are more in line with a traditional business attire vibe. Department stores have more options than the Cole Haan website.

    4. I also have a job that involves lots of presenting & standing and I have become a fan of the Everlane Day Glove flats. They have a ton of colors and I find them really flattering. I have wide feet but these make them look long and slimmer. It took me a couple days of NYC walking to break them in but after that they’ve been great. Very flat though, so not sure if that’s a dealbreaker? It’s not an issue for me.

  19. Thanks for whomever recommended Coursera for adult learning that fits the gap between Ted talks and taking a college class. I’m having a good time. Missing a live classroom but I did some lectures on a flight recently and it was so much better than watching Reels.

  20. I am considering a divorce, but a lot of unknowns are preventing me from taking the next step. We have one child who is 4.5. Is the default custody arrangement still 50/50? The whole “no real home” thing would break my heart and DS’. Someone on one of these boards mentioned a custody arrangement where mom has primary custody and dad comes over a couple hours a day for dinner. I feel like that would be ideal but not sure if DH would be satisfied with that. DH has no awareness that the things he gets angry with DS about are qualities that both of them have (picky eater, doesn’t pick up after himself, etc). Yes we have gone to couples therapy for years and the improvement is incremental. I feel like if DH weren’t here I could get DS to try more foods, watch screens less, I would be less stressed and our household would generally be happier. My parents fought a lot growing up and I always wished they would have gotten a divorce. Is there a particular age where the court would let DS decide who he lives with and how much time he spends with either parent? For those of you who are children of divorce, how did it affect you? Sorry for the rambling thoughts, I know almost no one who has gone through a divorce so I have no idea how any of this works.

    1. I think default custody varies by state, but it’s default 50/50 where I live. (The south)

      I’d also argue that it’s a good thing for a child to have a relationship with both parents, which includes more time than just a couple hours at dinner. That seems more like supervised visitation.

      1. Agreed – a few hours at dinner does not feel like enough time for a non-awful or abusive parent. This could lead to resentment that you kept his dad from him down the line

      2. Agreed. Dad needs some time to be a parent without your participation. This is true whether you are married or divorced.

    3. Knowing which state you live in would be helpful. Different states have different laws about the questions you’re asking, including default custody arrangements and the age a child’s preferences would be considered if the parents landed back in court in a custody fight.

        1. You should find a very reputable family law attorney with a lot of experience in your county to meet with for a consultation. Divorce and custody can vary greatly from county to county (judge to judge, really) even with the same governing state law.

    4. If the marriage is or appears to be “not good but not awful” I find the kids tend to resent the parent who initiated the divorce.

      2. That is often true for older children but a 4 year old is not likely to process the information the same way.

        But OP: (1) Joint custody is favored by the courts; (2) Joint custody is generally considered to be in the best interests of the child unless the non-custodial parent is abusive or neglectful; and (3) There is no hard and fast age at which the court will consider the wishes of the child, but I can tell you absolutely that four is way too young.

        My parents got divorced when I was three. By the time I was in my teens I was able to recognize it was absolutely for the best but while I cannot remember them living together, I can absolutely remember crying myself to sleep at around 4 to 5 because I wanted my Daddy and creating elaborate fantasy scenarios where we could all live together again. Joint custody might hav been easier because I would have seen him more often but that was not practical or favored at the time so it was weekends at first and then the entire summer starting when I was around 7 because he (and we) moved (military families).

        Also, just be aware that you can create rules for when you have custody but unless he is abusive or puts your son in physical danger, your husband will be able to enforce (or not) his own rules at his residence. That said, the level of conflict might well be much lower which would be a good thing for everyone.

        1. Just chiming in to say that in my state, there is an age (14) at which the court is all but bound by what the child wants. The judge may listen to a younger kid, though.

          1. There is no court in the country that is going to even take input from a four-year-old.

          2. Oh, agreed on a 4 y.o. Just saying the judge might hear, say, a 10 y.o., out, but won’t feel bound by his preferences.

      3. I think it’s hard on kids when it goes from a household with one parent who is reliable and another who is more problematic to two parents who are now struggling or problematic.

    5. Talk to a lawyer in your jurisdiction but no. A couple hours supervised visitation in your home isn’t realistic with a parent who isn’t abusive.

      1. If you guys have an amicable split, then I think keeping family dinner would be really sweet. But, that’d be in ADDITION TO not instead of some sort of physical custody split

    6. I don’t think it’s realistic for you to be the primary parent and to relegate your H to a role that isn’t 50/50. So get the divorce if you want to, but understand that you can’t have it all (your son 90% of the time, the house, and calling all the shots).

    7. Picky eater, doesn’t pick up after himself, and too much screen time can be all be inheritable together. Since DH has no awareness that he shares these traits with his son, I was expecting you to say that you’d go a little easier on DS, not “fix” these traits more successfully without DH around, especially if DH hasn’t changed either. DH should definitely stop being sensitive and reactive to issues he shares.

      1. I guess my reaction was that DS will always still be 50% DH’s son even if the custody arrangement isn’t 50/50.

        1. I mean, a biological child is always 50% of one of their parents even if they literally never see them. That doesn’t make up for time with your child. Would you be okay with your ex going for 90% (or whatever %) custody since your son would still be 50% yours?

          I think you need to step back and really, truly think about what is best for your kid. Not “how to get to be the best parent ever and call all the shots so I can parent the way I think is best with no suboptimal inputs from ex”, but how to give your son time for meaningful relationships with both of his imperfect parents.

    8. You need to speak with an experienced family law attorney who handles divorce and custody issues in your county. There is too much variability in the law to answer this question on a board like this.

    9. Where I am (not Michigan), the default is somewhere between 50-50 and 30-70. Under that is either abuse, or one parent is moving far away. If one parent really does not want custody, sometimes the other parents gets pretty full time custody, but I have also seen judges essentially telling the reluctant parent (usually the dad, not gonna lie) to get over themselves and start taking care of their kid. The dinner arrangement you describe would be very unusual here.

    10. Talk. To. An. Attorney.

      There really is no substitute for a good divorce attorney for the questions you have. They can also advise you of other issues (eg., frequently, people don’t want to give up time sharing because that increases their child support obligations).

    11. I think you’re overly focused on the fantasy that you would be the Best Parent Ever if only your pesky ex would get out of the way, but are missing the fact that (barring abuse) that setup would be detrimental to your child. Divorce can definitely be worth it, but when you have a child, you are forever tied in many ways to the other parent.

      1. also, how many 4.5 year olds are perfect at picking up after themselves?!? My DH also struggles with that too and it does drive me nuts.

      2. +1. Also, none of the issues you mention are really a big deal at all; I’m hoping you have other reasons for considering divorce? Being a picky eater, obsessed with screens, and not great at picking up after themself describes 95% of all 4.5 year olds, even those with Practically Perfect Parents.

        1. Yup. Definitely described my kid at that age and DH and I are responsible adults (and happily married).

        2. I kind of feel for this kid if he has one parent on his case for being too much like himself, and the other parent on his case for being too much like his father. Maybe the issue is really that the father has too many 4.5 year old habits, but that’s not exactly unheard of either.

          1. “Maybe the issue is really that the father has too many 4.5 year old habits, but that’s not exactly unheard of either.”

            I would bet money that this is the underlying issue.

          2. Exactly. I sometimes get frustrated with my child (who is that age) for acting like his father, and then I remember that my son is acting in an age-appropriate manner and the problem is the soon to be ex husband who acts like a child.

        3. Picky eating and being messy describes most 9 year-olds in my circles.

          *ducks-away*

      3. I’m assuming that there are other reasons for the divorce, but it seems like having absent Dad over for dinner every night is setting Dad/Kid up for conflict. Dad will be coming in every day right as the not picked up items were prominent and right as the picky eating is the most prevelent. It’s not really giving them a fighting chance to develop a relationship outside of those conflict area.

    12. Gently, I think you have rose colored glasses on.
      1. Absent abuse, the custody arrangement will never be you have full physical custody and DH comes over for dinner.
      1a. If you pursue divorce, you need to accept that 50-50 custody is most likely. Are you okay with only having DS 50% of the time? Are you okay with DS having “no real home” (or really, he has 2 real homes. Yes, things get tricky with the split (you have soccer tonight but cleats are at dad’s, you left your HW at mom’s) but he has 2 homes not 0 homes).
      2. You mention being in couples therapy, but you don’t mention issues in your marriage just with raising your son. Everyone can have their own dealbreakers and limits for divorce, but for me, this wouldn’t be enough.
      3. “I feel like if DH weren’t here I could get DS to try more foods, watch screens less, I would be less stressed and our household would be happier”. This is wishful thinking. Your son is 4, these things are common issues with 4 year olds. This is not DH’s doing. Also, when DH is out for the night do you have success with trying more foods and watching less screens?
      3a. It sounds like if you divorce DS will have different rules and standards at each house (you cannot dictate how your DH raises your son if you’re divorced). If anything, it seems like it might be harder for both you and DS if the rules at your house are stricter than at dad’s. He might be more resistant to the foods you offer and the screen limits you have because he knows dad does it differently.
      3b. Unless your DH is a total dud (and it doesn’t sound like it), being a single parent is almost always harder and more stressful.
      4. The issues you have with DH and DS (picky eating and not picking up after themselves) are also not going to magically evaporate over night. Some of this is just how people are, regardless of how they’re raised.

      1. +1. This is so far out in fantasy land that I suspect OP is set on divorce, she knows deep down that it will be hard on her and DS, and she’s trying to convince herself that divorce will magically make everything 100% easier and better. Divorce may be the right choice but it *will* make many things harder.

    13. My parents divorced when I was 13. It was traumatic and has impacted me in ways I did not realize until I was older. But I don’t think it was just that they divorced, but that they were high-conflict and did a poor job of shielding us from their conflict. My mom regularly talked badly about my dad to us, shared details of their divorce that children should not know, and my dad brought all his new girlfriends around way too soon. My mom and dad could not be in the same room with each other until about 20 years after their divorce and only because me and my siblings started having kids and didn’t want to have separate events for every birthday, etc.

    14. One friend I have is going to be doing something called “nesting” once her divorce is finalized – her son will stay where he is and she and father will alternate living with him at different points in the week. Father is getting an apartment and she’ll stay with her parents.

      1. I’m a family lawyer, and I would just say that people try this, and it sounds nice, and it can work for a while as a transition, but it’s very rarely sustainable long-term. Jointly owning real estate with an ex is complicated, and it’s rare for exes to be able to smoothly manage the nesting home. You have a weird situation where if the home is the child’s, then is there no adult who is in charge? Whose job is it to take care of the landscaping or replace old things or make decisions about the child’s room or where in the house can have a TV? What if you disagree about who can come over? How does it affect things if someone gets into a serious relationship or remarries? This is one of those set-ups that often sounds a lot cozier and nicer than it ends up being.

    15. As an amicable divorcee, be careful of the family dinners. It’s a confusing message for your small child. It’s also not healthy for you to not set clear boundaries about the end of your marriage relationship/beginning of separate co-parenting. Once you both start to move on with your independent lives, it can easily lead to resentment. Keeping some distance and learning how to build a new relationship means that you have a future of being polite at your kid’s sporting/school/life events that they deserve.
      My ex and I had slightly off of 50/50 (basically he had 3 days and I had 4 days a week). We both recognized I was the more hands on parent and were able to have a frank discussion and pose a schedule that worked with our reality.
      He also grew up and became a much better parent when I wasn’t around to pick up the slack for him and our daughter’s respect for him and relationship improved when he had to handle life himself.
      I wish you the best. It’s hard. Talk to a good attorney. Take their advice and trust your gut. You know what to do, despite all the messages in the world telling women not to trust their own judgment!

      1. This. If you divorce your DH, things will be very, very confusing for your kid if you don’t set boundaries early on. Family dinner is kind of the opposite of that.

  21. Trying to help my niece purchase a dresser for her two elementary school-age boys. Prefer not to spend more than $800. Are recs for decent-quality products at that price point? Reluctant to try Ikea in case parts are missing and there is no store nearby. Thanks!

    1. FWIW, we have purchased a fair amount of Ikea over the years, and have never had a missing part – more likely extra. If there are parts missing they’ll send them to you. And the stuff has held up great if you just build it and leave it (vs. disassembling it for moves).

      That price point at full price is an Ashley, Raymour & Flanigan, etc. budget – hard to gauge quality online, but maybe easier in person. Is she open to stalking sales at places like PB Kids? Or open to FB marketplace?

    2. 1) I have a lot of IKEA, even as an adult, and haven’t had issues.
      2) If you want real wood, buy secondhand.

    4. Would you consider used furniture? You can get solid wood pieces for under $50 very easily in my area.

    5. Between helping my friends and myself over the years, I’ve purchased/put together a ridiculous amount of IKEA furniture and I’ve never had a missing part.

      That said, I buy dressers off FB Marketplace these days. I just got an absolutely beautiful restored mid-century dresser for $500, would have easily been over $1,000 for the same quality new.

    6. Facebook marketplace. You can find something solid wood for a fraction of the price of something new and often less than Ikea.

    7. IKEA solid wood furniture lines. Also not near a store but have never had a missing piece. Usually they add a few extra and they will Mail you anything missing on the off chance that something is missing.

    10. Thanks for all the responses. The Hemnes dresser that would work seems to be out of stock. Any other specific models? Will definitely try FB Marketplace etc.

    12. I’ve had good luck with Bob’s Discount Furniture. Their delivery/set-up service has been reliable too.

  22. Curious for the general take on this scenario.

    I have been consulting for a small (tiny) startup. There are 5 total FTEs, some temp/part timers, and 2-3 consultants. One of the FTEs is the one/only engineer, who is generally under my purview as I’m consulting on tech strategy. It isn’t a “software company” per se but it is a company that sells a service that relies on its core technology, which he both builds and maintains and has a laundry list of high priority stuff to chip away at.

    The engineer just asked the CEO about taking a “two week” trip to Europe in April. I put this in quotes because it’s actually 13 business days.

    I think this is a pretty outrageous request; he is essentially giving 3 weeks notice for a pretty big trip where he won’t be available at all. My husband thinks I’m old and that “kids these days don’t think like we did when we were young.”

    FWIW, it is actually great for me if he goes because they will have to extend my contract for as long as it takes him to get the product work done, so I’m not begrudging this- I’m just kinda shocked that the CEO didn’t laugh in his face or anything. I can’t imagine pitching this as a 27 (?ish?) year old with a giant pile of work at a startup moving at like 300MPH on such short notice (and no, it’s not a family emergency or anything).

    What say you? Is this the norm in startup culture?

    1. Presumably even at a startup he has PTO and this falls within that. This is a little short notice for a long trip in April (I ask my team for one month notice at least) but if the CEO is okay with it that’s that. He had the right to take all of his PTO, what does it matter if its spread out or all at once. And yeah, this is a lesson to the startup that you need a little redundancy and can’t be 100% dependent on one person. Which it seems like they do have to some extent, with you.

    2. Asking for that much PTO under short notice is unprofessional at any organization, IMO, but unless it’s written in the employee handbook/PTO policy, then he’s probably not doing anything “wrong”. At the end of the day, usually approval of PTO requests at any org are at the discretion of the manager.

    3. I’ve only worked one place that would deny your PTO based on the op tempo, but it was a local public safety issue where low staffing could be dangerous. It’s also part and parcel with this type of work.

      If a desk job told me I couldn’t take the PTO I earned because of a work plan that could be adjusted I would quit.

    4. What’s not normal about it is that he expects to do no work while away. I work in the start up space. There are no entire days off. Thats why you get paid more.

      I expect the CEO said nothing because it’s at will employment and this kid is going to learn what that means. I’ve seen it happen that they are terminated on day one of their vacation or the day they return.

      1. Yeah, but if he builds and maintains the core technology, the company probably won’t survive without him. There really are indispensable employees at that scale, since it’s hard to find a replacement willing to take a chance on a 5 FTE company.

      2. A CEO would really approve PTO and then fire someone for taking their approved PTO? That should be illegal.

        So glad I work in government…

        1. The PTO is typically approved but then the assumption is that you are “available” while on your trip. The engineer would be fired for being “unavailable” not for taking the PTO.

          This is pretty normal in engineering, especially software. My husband has worked for several companies of varying scale, and he’s typically been requested to be available during vacation. Often, he doesn’t have to do anything but the assumption is that you can be reached and do work in case of an outage, etc.

          1. If you. have to work while on leave then you’re not charged leave for that day, right?

            What about if you’re going somewhere with no reception? Or overseas (I’ve never been allowed to bring work devices out of the country)? Or just generally doing an activity where you’re out of pocket?

            What’s the compensation for remaining “on call” while on leave?

          2. 12:52, are you from the US? The general expectation particularly as you get more senior is that you are checking in while away. Half an hour or an hour a day dealing with email is not something that you would say “I didn’t get to really take my PTO” over.

          3. I’m in the US and climbing the ladder but I’m in a role where if you’re not working you are NOT working.

          4. This cracks me up because what did people do before cell phones? They actually took off and the world kept spinning.

            I don’t know why people acquiesce so much to their employers. Almost all things are work can either be handled by others or can wait until you come back. If it can’t, that’s either poor management (redundancy is key and no one is all that important that work can’t go on without them) or you’re a “once in a lifetime” expert. I’ve been the one SME for my entire agency on something, but I still cross trained people to backfill me when I was out – either they could handle it and they did or they couldn’t and it waited for me to come back. I’ve worked while on leave exactly one time and it was during civil unrest in my city (and I work in public safety).

            Jobs require a lot of us these days and don’t give us back what they should. People work longer hours and are always accessible in ways they didn’t used to be. But yet, back in the day a 1 income household could afford a single family house, annual vacation, and kids’ college, even private sector jobs had pensions, and healthcare was more affordable.

            Why the h3ll would I give up time on my vacation to work when I need to be a 2 income household and my kids will still need loans for college?

          5. Before cellphones were car phones. Before car phones was sharing one’s home phone number and one’s vacation hotel phone number. But yes that one salary could support a whole household so I hear your point.

          6. How does this work with things like cruises or backpacking trips? Do you just not take those kinds of vacations ever?

          7. Right? I’m a big hiker so I’m often on vacations where I’m totally off the grid.

            In my day to day life, I’m actually always on call but when I’m on vacation I’m 100% off and they cannot contact me. In fact, it would set off alarm bells for insider risk if I was responsive, let alone working, while on leave.

            On weekends and after work I do a lot of activities where I either can’t carry my phone or I don’t have great reception (hiking/trail running, skiing, playing competitive soccer, or out on the water rowing or surfing), so I just give work a heads up that I’ll be doing XYZ activity for an hour or two and I check as often as I can (pop onto the beach to check my phone for a min, check my phone at halftime). They don’t love it, but they also understand.

          8. I don’t like cruises or backpacking so no, not a hardship. I have no problem doing a 15-minute skim of email most mornings or evenings while traveling. Then phone goes into airplane mode while we’re out sightseeing, or at the beach, or snorkeling, or whatever. Makes it easier to get away frequently without a goodwill hit.

            SHOULD there be a goodwill hit? No. Is there one for people who are constantly OOO and holding stuff up? Yes.

          9. I am an attorney (in-house) in California and our company policy is that if I work AT ALL while on PTO, I get that day back into my PTO bank. PTO is “earned” under California law and I am entitled to be paid for any unused days when I leave the company so we have a pretty hard line on that.

            Now to be completely honest, my email goes to my phone and I look at it every day. I might forward something that is urgent but that is pretty rare since people can see my out of office response but I do not even take my laptop with me. Our company culture is that unless you are C-suite, you are not expected to be available while on leave. And people who are C-suite accrue a genuinely ridiculous amount of PTO!

        2. Hey, I am a career government employee and also an at-will employee. And I never get to take all my leave time. Not all government !

          1. Not that I get to take all my leave, but that in government (at least for me, but I’m union) I can’t get fired for taking pre-approved leave (obviously, I can be terminated if I go AWOL). I can be terminated for other reasons, but not for taking pre-approved leave

      3. If you think a) no days off and always working on vacation and b) approving PTO and then firing someone for taking their approved PTO is okay youre a terrible person.

      4. it’s an interesting question. They presumably can’t just fire him since the entire business relies on a technology, and he is the only engineer keeping it going. Maybe he’s betting on that. Or maybe he’s completely burnt out from never being able to take time off in this system critical role. You say this is the expectation in a startup but it’s not a good fit for everyone I am sure.

      5. I’d be curious if he really is getting paid a lot more than market-rate with the expectation of that kind of availability. The “only engineer” – who both builds and maintains the company’s core tech stack – has a TON of leverage.

        I personally think this wasn’t enough notice – would have expected to need to plan an *almost three work-week* trip at least 2-3 months in advance – but I also (tech) would expect to be able to take that time off even if the timing isn’t great for the company. At a startup the laundry list is *always* going to be long

    6. Usually at a start up you always have a pile of work, right? So there’s never a “good time” to take a vacation. So, your options are to take vacation even if its inconvenient or never take vacation right? So obviously you take your vacation regardless of its convenience.

      Also, even if you’re somewhere where there is a “good” time to take vacation – that doesn’t always align with real life. Maybe your “good time” is your SO’s busy time? Maybe you have something time or season specific you want to do (ski trip, wedding) that if you want to do it you need to take time even if its inconvenient.

      Also, it’s not his fault that your employer has no redundancy in his role. That’s terrible management and not his problem to fix. God forbid he drops dead tomorrow – what would the company do?

      If you are needlessly strict with PTO and don’t let people who have earned it take it, they’ll look elsewhere. Then they’ll quit and you’ll have nobody to do his job either. And also, if word gets out you restrict PTO then you won’t be able to recruit top level candidates.

      1. eh there’s a big difference between “I planned this 10 day trip 3 months ago and now it turns out to be inconvenient to the company, oh well” and “I’m peacing out for 3 weeks in 2 weeks YOLO”

      1. Right? No one here is treated well enough by their employer to take the employer’s side here. With very rare exception, either you’re also being mistreated by your employer or your part of the owner class and you’re the one doing the mistreating (in which case, do better).

        One of the few employers that still treated employees decently (not great, but decently) was the federal government (increasing pension pay-in but still a pension and a TSP with match, comprehensive but expensive healthcare, decent but not incredible time off, true 40 hour weeks). Instead of demanding to be treated better or taking the pay cut and giving up the “perks” to become a fed too (truly, anyone competent can do it), non-feds have now turned on the feds and we’re these lazy, incompetent people who don’t work and don’t deserve our cushy jobs.

      2. If you mean me, the OP, I’m not mad. I’m just genuinely curious bc the norm- or what I thought was the norm- at other places I’ve worked was more of a heads up for big chunks of time off, barring emergencies. Maybe that was just more “professional courtesy” than necessary. Also, maybe it’s that I don’t take 13 business day (2.5 week) trips across the world on short notice so the whole idea is just outside my bubble :).

        FWIW, he’s the only engineer, he does get time off, and he just took a week off in Feb, plus he/everyone was sort of out of pocket over the Christmas/New Year break. I’ve only been working with this company since December so I’m not sure about before that. He has a pretty good work/life balance as far as I can tell (we don’t do calls during his gym time in the afternoons, which works well because it’s also my get the kids off the bus and to activities block!).

        2. I’m not in the startup space but I regularly take 2-3 week vacations. I plan the trips months in advance but rarely tell anyone at work about them because I’ve found that a) they never remember the exact dates so it doesn’t help with work planning and b) it just gives them a long time to stew about me taking time off. So in practice I typically only give a month’s notice for vacations, even longer ones.

          Honestly I think the bigger is that the company only has one engineer and there’s no one to cover his work while he’s out. But maybe that’s a startup problem.

          2. I agree on that being the bigger issue.

            Also, I often take spur of the moment trips. If I see a great deal, I jump on it.

  23. I love this skirt. It reminds me of one from BR that was featured here years ago, which I still have and wear with a green sweater that’s pretty much identical to the one linked above from Quince. Swear to G0d, the trends repeat so fast these days! (Also, you kids? Get off my lawn!)

  24. For Chub-rub, lately I’ve become a big big fan of “MegaBabe” — comes in a solid stick like a deodorant.

    2. those look like dirty feet on the model, so it’s a no for me. But I commented above, with pants, I wear knee-high sheer hose socks or socks with a more subtle pattern (think sheer black Swiss dot, not big flowers).

      1. + 1 to getting something with a less juvenile design for work. I have found sheer trouser socks at Hue, and other tights makers, that are Swiss dot, tweed, etc.

    3. Those are following me all over the internet! I find them appealing, but not sure how I would wear them. Maybe with full length pants so just bit of the sock shows?

      I’m in my 50s and work at a casual office, so they’d probably be fine, but I don’t know if I’m too old to pull them off. I have not been buying clothes for the past few months but I am strangely tempted by those socks!

    4. I don’t own any but I love the look. Check out Sock Candy if you haven’t already, they have tons of really fun designs.

    5. I think they’re cute. At $54, is it a pack of 3?
      I’d wear it, probably with dressy sneakers with pants or even shorts.

    7. Speaking of “out-there” sock trends…https://www.nytimes.com/2025/02/19/style/maria-la-rosa-socks-laminated-ribbed-metallic.html

  26. I’m taking an antidepressant for chronic pain and despite my long history of always being old faithful, i’m having a hard time getting over the finish line when gardening now. So I think it’s time to look at gardening tools, which I don’t typically use and have not liked in the past due to desensitization.

    Where would you start this search?

    2. If you’re open to in-person shopping then I would see if there’s a body positive/feminist/similar shop in your area and talk with the staff there. They’ll be able to provide suggestions. I recommend Good Vibrations (locations in CA and MA).

Comments are closed.