Coffee Break: Lip Shimmer

174 Comments

1. What’s your favorite place to buy silver stacking rings/simple silver rings in general?

2. Have any of you had to put down a dog who was still mentally with it? Sigh. Our sweet senior girl has a degenerative disease that will pretty rapidly paralyze her from the back legs up. She’s 65 lbs, so not easy manage physically once she can’t walk on her own…which might be as soon as a couple weeks. I don’t know what I’m looking for – commiseration, I guess. She’s not in any pain, which is a blessing.

   1. Awwww, this is so sad :(

      I’ve definitely had to do this for pets who were mentally all there. I’ve never regretted saving them from pain or confusion. Even if your dear girl doesn’t feel pain, she will be confused and scared about not being able to walk.

      Lots of commiseration. It’s so hard. Even the fact you’re thinking about this tells me you’ve given her an excellent home and life while she’s been your companion. I hope you can enjoy this time with her.

   2. I’m in the same sad boat. Different underlying ailment but our girl is a timebomb, at which time she’d be in enormous pain. She’s completely fine, not in pain whatsoever today, full of energy even for an 11 year old pup but the vet tells us she could have a medical event at any moment. It’s not an aneurism but think along those lines (I honestly don’t understand what it is fully – it’s splenic). We were just debating over the weekend what to do.

      So, sympathies and condolences, OP, and thank you for asking. Following along for similar advice.

      1. We just went through something similar with our 12 year old dog. She had a splenic mass and we had to decide whether or not to have her spleen removed. I was really hesitant to do the surgery at her age, but she came through it great. Just waiting and hoping it didn’t rupture was going to be very stressful, but I also didn’t want to put her through surgery for our benefit. We were also told that if it did rupture, we could go to the ER but that it would be much tougher surgery. It was a very tough decision to make, so sending you best wishes for the best possible outcome.

         1. Yes! We have a huge mass/extremely enlarged spleen. Except ours also has dangerously low platelets so they won’t do the surgery. They would only do one needle biopsy for fear of her bleeding out (they grabbed a tissue sample that frustratingly came back “inconclusive” whereas we were sat down and told to expect advanced cancer). She has a massive blood clot that is unresponsive to meds, which is why the platelets are so low if I understand correctly. We’re just…. waiting. This all went down on Valentine’s Day as an incidental finding, so we’re 30 days in to this purgatory. I really appreciate your commentary.

            1. Oh how scary. I am so sorry. Ours was an incidental finding also, and none of the options seemed good. We were lucky that surgery was an option. The ER vet really scared us about a rupture being painful, but our regular vet said no one really knows for sure. We definitely gave a lot of thought to doing nothing and just waiting. Did the vet recommend a Chinese herb? (Yunnan Baiyao). It is supposed to help with bleeding tumors – several vets recommended it to us. Maybe worth asking your vet about it.

         2. My brother’s dog just had this procedure – home from the vet today! How does recovery look?

            1. I hope all went well. Recovery was much easier than I anticipated, since it is such a large organ being removed. She was pretty much back to normal within a couple of days. She had internal stitches, so I think that helped with the recovery. Just had to watch her to be sure she didn’t mess with the incision while healing. I hope your brother’s dog has a quick recovery!

   3. How long does it take to schedule something like this? I would probably wait until the paralysis starts.

      1. What if the dog weighs more than you? Does that change the calculus? I have a dog that I couldn’t lift and if he can’t move around, IDK that a few days of it would be bearable for him.

         1. In that case I think you ask your vet ahead of time about the availability of same-day in-home services. These do exist and many people prefer them.

            1. I had home visit vets come for both of my late cats (RIP, kitties). They were lovely, and although dogs like car rides better than cats, it’s much less stressful for the animal to stay home.

               I’m so sorry about your dog’s prognosis.

            2. +1 to in home. OP- I’d look around and call them. The service in our city was so lovely- they were able to tell me roughly how long it would take to get an appointment which was very helpful.

   4. We have and it was so sad. Two things. One thing we were told is that it’s better to be two weeks early than two days late. The other is that if you can I would recommend doing it at home. We scheduled just a day or two out and it was a very nice way to say goodbye, although I am still so so sad.

      1. I’ve heard this too and haven’t yet faced it but am sending so much love to you and your sweet pup.

   5. I am so sorry. This must be so difficult. I have had to put several to sleep, but they were already in pain when I had to make the decision. I guess I would try to think about being grateful that you get to spare her the pain and say goodbye before things are too bad. I have had a paralyzed small dog in the past – I know for small dogs there are wheels that they can use. Are there any other options you could consider?

   6. I’m so sorry. I have had to do this. I recommend making contact with at-home euthanasia providers now, so you know what to expect and have a plan when the comes. Your vet is your best resource for deciding when the time is right. Start a dialogue with them, ask for their advice, and keep them apprised on your pet’s condition so they can guide you. I felt physically ill in the days leading up to putting down our girl–much worse than I felt when we put down a prior pet who was in poor shape. But, once she was gone, those feelings were quickly replaced by a sense of relief that she passed before anything traumatic occurred. Two years later, I am grateful and proud that I was able to protect her from experiencing fear and pain.

   7. I’m so sorry. This is the really awful part of having a pet that is part of your family. I’ve been in this position, and it sucks. We had a pet with a different degenerative diagnosis, and we decided to wait for a sign from her, or something, that it was time. I was 7 months pregnant and came home to her stuck half-way up the stairs, immobilized but fully cognitively present. Even though she was aware, she was scared, and I didn’t know how long she had been stuck. It broke my heart, but I didn’t want her to be afraid. Ugh. I’m about to tear up again and it has been 14+ years.

   8. I’m so sorry. This is so hard. My last dog passed of cancer rather than mobility issues, so not directly applicable because it was very clear when it was time (and all happened very quickly). I’ve heard the phrase “better a day early than a day late” and boy is that true. In a perfect world we could have let ours go about a day before it happened to avoid suffering. We had a vet come to the house to do it and that was definitely the right call; I would strongly encourage that, especially with a dog with mobility issues. I’d reach out to people right now (your vet can help) and get at least one person, and may be a back up, lined up. That way you’ll be prepared. Talk to your vet about how you can evaluate quality of life and signs of decline to watch out for.

   9. I had to do this with my super smart, razor sharp, almost 18 year old shepherd mix. She had a degenerative spine disease and I probably waited a little too long because she was so with it mentally and occasionally had good days, but her hind legs were really struggling. In the end it became kind of urgent as her bowels just completely stopped working and she was so backed up and uncomfortable. I was very happy that I had already created an account with an at home pet euth service and canceled once on them, so they had all the info they needed (they particularly needed to know how heavy the dog was, to know if they could carry her to their vehicle after). So when it got urgent, they were able to come the same evening, they had all my info so I didn’t need to sob on the phone with them, and it was very peaceful and on her own bed. My toddler said good night to her. Gah, I’m tearing up even now over 2 years later, but she really was an amazing dog. It was like she knew and was ready. She settled down on her bed, ate a plate of bacon, and then the vet helped her get to sleep. He did comment on how strong her heart still was – it took quite a lot of drugs. It was her back and legs and intestines that had given out.

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3. Is there any nice or acceptable way to approach the heirs of a neighbor who just died to see if they’re selling? My parents-in-laws’ next door neighbor just passed a few months ago, at 80. He’d lived there his whole adult life, I suspect the house isn’t in great condition, but it is directly on a lake.

   1. Yes— look at the listing once it’s done or there’s a sign in the yard.

      1. I don’t think you need to wait for a listing. Lots of times kids will be happy to unload a property without the hassle of getting a real estate agent, staging, clearing it out etc.

         A few months is more than enough time to send a sensitive email, especially if there have been no notable actions that indicate a kid is interested in moving in.

         1. You definitely do not need to wait. When my mom’s mom died, they gladly sold her house to one of her existing neighbors off market. It happens a lot.

      2. This is tricky because so many people sell off market. If OP isn’t the only person interested in the property, she might lose out (ask me how I know, ughh….)

   2. Yes. When FIL died he (we, as executor) was inundated with bottom feeder real estate flippers. Like, it was relentless. We must have received like 50 post cards and mailers within the first 60 days. They found DH’s place of work. It was absolutely awful. It was an unexpected and tragic death, too, so it was extra unwelcome.

      So… don’t be that person. I’d consider a heartfelt note with plenty of outs – admit you don’t know their plans, but just wanted to offer that you would have interest if they considered selling. Ask once and let it be. If they’re savvy and it’s in a hot market, they’ll list it. But such a process may be perceived as burdensome / one more thing to do in settling the deceased’s estate so you never know – an off market, low pressure offer may just be welcomed.

   3. If it is truly a broken-down fixer, it may also be full of junk. I was greatful that I inherited a house that someone was willing to buy as-is and with all the junk in it and not have to deal with listing it and having people come through (or the pipes freezing in the winter). Or having to keep the heat on or pay for having the driveway plowed.

      If you know a trusted neighbor, talk to that neighbor. There is likely someone who can intercede or run point. Offer to use lawyers. They may be sweating it out interviewing real estate agents.

      Also, make a strong offer immediately. No one has time to dance around things. For me, the offer was equal to the median price one realtor mentioned (many wouldn’t even do that) plus my googling, less a realtor fee avoided, but it was 50% cash, so I knew they were actually serious and were willing to pay accordingly to keep me from listing it. I wanted a fast sale. Win-win.

4. Is lip color out? Perhaps glosses are reasonably in but lipstick is out?

   1. No, I don’t think lipstick is out.

   2. No

   3. like any makeup, there are current lipstick looks and dated ones. are you wearing a frosted rose color from 1987? Noticeable lipliner a la 1998? Super pale “is that lipstick or concealer?” shades or goopy glosses from 2004? Time to go back to Sephora.

      1. Noticeable lipliner a la 1998 is back in!

         1. not for those of us who wore it to prom, methinks :)

            1. If you want to try it out again, you’re not too old! Women of all ages can rock current styles.

               You don’t have to, of course, but this is just encouragement if you are curious to try again :)

         2. You’re right. MAC has reintroduced their iconic brownish nudes to be paired with Spice lip liner.

   4. I think we’re post-trend. That is, unless you’re 20 and younger, everything is so “you do you!” that there really aren’t trends anymore the way there were in times before smart phones. Trends are microtrends where if you follow these 5 influencers they’re all doing X, but if you’ve never heard of them, you’ve never heard of X.

      All that to say I’ve been wearing more strongly colored lips than ever lately, partly because I’m reaching my mid-40s and think the color brightens up my face nicely. True reds, bold berries, you name it, I’m wearing it.

      1. Thanks for this. It explains why I can’t settle on what’s current. I’ll take this as permission to just do me (pink rose for now).

      2. sooooo true

      3. Lipcolor gives me the most bang for my buck in terms of looking “together.” Plus it’s fun :)

5. Is there anything you can do to help DOMS feel better? Advil?

   1. Advil, lots of water, and stretching. I will also sometimes do an easy workout with DOMS if possible and that helps!

   2. To save others from having to google DOMS, it just means sore muscles after a work out.

      1. Thank you!

         1. +1

            If you are asking for help, don’t be so lazy!

            1. Eye roll. The people who know the answer to the question will know what it means. It’s not lazy to use a widely-known acronym.

            2. It’s not widely known. I’ve only ever seen it on this board (a few years ago I saw it mentioned too).

               Not sure why it even needs a name?

            3. It’s very, very widely known among people who exercise regularly.

            4. It’s actually very widely known.

            5. Lololol just because *you* do not know what it means doesn’t mean it’s not widely known.

         2. I workout 6x a week – lifting, running (I do 2-3 half marathons a year), biking, etc. I was a D1 athlete. I have never heard of DOMS before.

   3. I feel like people way over react to DOMS but also I was a college athlete. You have to keep moving to get the lactic acid moving, along with this it’s better to do dynamic stretches than static when sore – you can “over do” it on the static stretches.

      But really? It’s not that bad and a good reminder I had a killer workout

      1. Yeah, I kind of agree. It’s not fun, but it goes away quickly and it’s not causing any permanent damage.

      2. Right? I feel like it doesn’t even need a name. It’s just being sore. Anyone who has ever done a good workout has felt this way

   4. Stretch, take a warm bath, and maybe some Advil if it’s really bad. Usually I just ride it out.

   5. I wouldn’t do static stretching like everyone is recommending. Do some light activity and then maybe stretch after if it feels good.

   6. Nothing? You’re sore, you deal with it, and you feel better in < 48 hours?

   7. In the future, creatine supplements can help reduce DOMS.

   8. If you want to get a good workout in, muscle soreness is inevitable so I’d suggest get used to it

   9. Using the same muscles – lightly – helps work out the lactic acid. So get moving! You can stretch after you are fully warmed up.

6. We’ve been invited to a wedding where the bride is Indian but the groom is not. It will be held here in the US, and a bunch of her family is coming from India. The familes are suggesting that attendees wear Indian clothes for the wedding and reception, apparently as a nod to her family. I’m pretty turned off by this request, as it assumes that everyone has plenty of money to buy an outfit just for this wedding that they probably will never wear again, but my husband wants us to try to comply. What does this mean for me – do I need to buy a sari? Are there other options? Is there any resale market where I could get something used and hopefully at a better price point? Thanks for any suggestions.

   1. 1) Ask the bride. It’s her request, I figure she knows what she has in mind.
      2) eBay, Mercari, Poshmark

   2. If you’re turned off by the request then don’t do it. I’m sure the couple would rather have you there and happy than there and resentful.

      1. +1

   3. This type of request doesn’t bother me at all (unlike other requests like “wear blue” or “don’t wear patterns”… those are BS); this is just inviting you to partake in her culture. It’s super normal for an Indian wedding.

      You probably have a friend who has one you can borrow. I’ve borrowed lehengas and sarees for weddings and have had multiple friends own them and offer to me.

      1. Yep, I’m Indian, but grew up in the US and I agree with this. I totally understand not wanting to buy something so definitely check about borrowing from friends. If that doesn’t work out, wear something bright and colorful. The more bling the better!

      2. +1 this. I am South Asian and happily have let friends borrow outfits to attend weddings.

      3. +1, I don’t even have many South Asian friends but yet I was able to borrow saris and lehengas from my white friends when I needed one for a South Asian wedding. If you live in an area or went to a college with a decent South Asian population, then you definitely have friends who own appropriate attire because they’ve been to South Asian weddings.

   4. You might surprise yourself; nearly everyone looks fabulous in Indian clothes. If you live somewhere urban, I’d visit one of the places where Indians shop and let the women there help me navigate the options / try some things on before making a final decision about how I feel about it.

   5. I feel like this is a bit different than the random annoying dress codes people come up with. That said, I also would not be thrilled about buying or acquiring something I’ll never use again. Do you have any dresses in bold, vivid colors that would blend in with the other guests’ outfits? I’d probably go with that and call it a day.

   6. Since your husband wants this, he can drive it. He can figure out what’s appropriate and procure the outfits. Easy.

   7. If you truly don’t have money, look for used options at local thrift stores or buy from a cheap vendor online. Kalko, HayaCloset, Irraw, and Sareeka all have options under $50.

      It’s about showing respect for the culture, so I would refrain from feeling “turned off” if you can. Indian weddings are aesthetically beautiful partially because of the vibrant colors, embroidery, silks, and sequins of the guests’ attire – it’s an opportunity to have a cultural experience!

      Final note, but you will likely look very out of place in Western formal if everyone else is wearing Indian clothing. I tried wearing Western formal to an Indian wedding once and felt extremely uncomfortable and like a stick in the mud – not to mention far less beautifully attired than every other woman there. I married an Indian guy and now love any opportunity to wear Indian dress – it’s truly dazzling and opulent in a way a cocktail dress rarely is.

   8. Mirraw has a ton of super cheap options! Also search “Cheap sari” and a bunch of affordable options pop up on Google.

   9. It’s an offer – you don’t have to do it at all. Just wear something colorful.

      From weddings like this I do think a lot of people look better in Indian clothes than Western – they can be more flattering / forgiving.

   10. I am Indian who married a non-Indian and I would never ask or expect non-Indian guests to wear an Indian outfit for the wedding. Many guests will participate and think it’s fun. But if you don’t want to wear an Indian dress, don’t. The bride and groom want you to feel comfortable. As a nod to the bride’s culture you could wear a matching long scarf or shawl with the non-Indian dress you were planning on wearing. If you do want to try to wear an Indian dress, I believe Rent the Runway and similar sites have Indian dresses to rent. Also you should ask the bride if she could connect you with a family member who is your size and has some outfits you could borrow. It is common for Indian women to borrow dresses from each other and they would happily lend you some dresses. My friend asked if she could borrow a sari for my wedding and I was touched. She was excited to get to wear a sari, probably her only opportunity to do so. But the rest of the friends and DH’s family wore non-Indian clothes and that was totally fine.

       1. I think a lot of the time people want to wear the Indian clothing! I’m sad that my two South Asian friends had “Western weddings” (both were marrying white guys) – I wanted the opportunity to wear a lehenga!

          One did a separate Hindu ceremony the day before (just for family and the bridal party) and the other did an Indian themed bridal shower, so I did get to dress up for that.

   11. Thanks for the feedback and suggestions, everyone. I’ll try to have a better attitude about it. I’m thinking that lehengas may be great for young slim people who like to wear crop tops, but they seem like about the worst possible for someone who is postmenopausal and suddenly has a belly that they’re trying to dress, right? I appreciate the names of some retail sites that may have cheaper options. I had tried to look on RTR, but couldn’t figure out a way to filter by Indian garb.

7. Related to the lipstick question – how are we doing eyeliner these days? I never mastered the winged look which feels a bit dated, but I don’t like tightlining my waterline either.

   1. I think it’s out, especially tightlining the water line. I realized that the younger people I knew were not eyelining much, if at all, and I’ve since stopped in an attempt to follow the trends a bit more.

   2. I’ve never been a big fan of eye-liner or mascara, so I rarely wear either. I’m in the Bay Area, and a more neutral look tends to be the norm here, so most people aren’t wearing any noticeable eye-liner in my circles. Mascara is more common, but just enough to make your eyes pop a little vs. looking like you’re wearing makeup.

      1. So, nothing on the eyes or are you wearing/seeing neutral eye shadows?

         1. I’m doing sparkly taupe (not the above poster) and mascara but no eyeliner.

      2. Eh, I’m in San Francisco and do lash extensions to get a “natural” look. When they grow out I tightline. I wouldn’t say that everyone here is undone.

         1. PS – I only tightline my upper lid though, it gets a much closer line than lining the top does and does look more natural.

   3. I don’t think we’re winging (unless winging is really part of your look) and I don’t think we’re tightlining either. I wear eyeliner on the top lid because I have very sparse lashes and lining makes it look like there’s more to them. I guess, do you?

   4. Top lid only (plus tightlining my upper water line). I rarely see liner on the bottom these days, even on a Saturday night. I know the “clean girl makeup” thing with zero eyeliner is trendy but that only works on 20 year olds with delicate features and low contrast coloring. I still wear black liner on my upper lid but I’m not drawing dramatic wings.

   5. Does anyone have tips on tightlining the upper lid? I’m not very good at it, but was always good at tightlining the bottom lid

      1. I’ve recently mastered this. Push up your lid a little bit (not to a point where you fully see your waterline) and look straight ahead. I like a twist-up pencil liner, and use the sides of it to line instead of directly putting the tip on my skin.

         1. You can also finish your whole eye look including mascara, let it dry, then look down into a mirror and push the tip into the spaces between the lashes. Dot dot dot along the lash line. It looks very natural.

   6. I’m really liking a soft wash of color around the eye like a “halo eye” effect, even better if it has a touch of shimmer or sparkle. I sometimes use whatever liquid eyeshadow I have on the lid and just sweep it very lightly under the lower lash-line.
      For a more dramatic effect I recently used the silly TT filter Kosas had out matching eye color to eyeliner shade and it was bang on! I was influenced, heh. I have green/gray/blue eyes with a bright gold inner starburst and the recommendation was smoky purple, which looks great.

8. How do I find a super very part time assistant?

   I’m looking for an assistant 2 days a month (that I plan to pay very well 300 cash per day so 600/month). I’m looking for the type of assistant who can problem solve, google, and otherwise get ish done. I used to be this person in a previous job, but I struggle to do these tasks for myself so I’m looking to outsource. Where does a job posting for this type of job go? I need someone with the smarts to navigate online systems (like updating insurance paperwork!), make calls, and generally be the organizational and emotional labor I currently lack. Attention to detail and idk ‘common sense’ are essential. I want a clone of myself basically who has more capacity.

   1. Temp agency or word of mouth.

   2. Sounds like something perfect for a neighborhood bulletin board. If you live near a college/university, find a bulletin board and put up a flyer. A grad student or an active senior might love this. Church bulletin board?

      Otherwise I might post online on my local NextDoor or even a Mom’s Facebook group.

      But your expectations may be a little high. You think $300 for a day of work is enough to pay someone as good/attentive/savvy as you? Maybe?

      1. Also on a very light, random schedule. Presumably somebody with these kinds of skills already has more consistent work lined up.

         1. It would be every second Saturday or Sunday (whichever the candidate prefers).

      2. I didn’t think my expectations are too high for the pay? What would you consider fair? The admin at my office who I consider a rockstar who has these skills only makes 60k/year, if she didn’t have a new baby I’d probably just ask her.

         1. Maybe ask her if she knows anybody (if she wouldn’t feel pressed to take it on herself)

         2. I’d be cautious about hiring someone from my office outside of work.

   3. If you live in a city with an arts scene, actors and dancers can be excellent very part-time personal assistants. One of my dancer friends went that route just out of college, but I believe she was getting paid $50/hour in the early 1990’s, so you may need to reconsider your rate.

      1. I did this gig in a major city about 7 years ago and my day rate was $200, but I was an extreme outlier. Most people balked at that rate.

9. who is the most famous person you know (or have known) personally?

   1. The Kennedy family, like the boomer generation and offspring.

      Also, randomly, the younger brother of my BFF has become a major on-air personality on ESPN. We used to sneak him beer. He’ll always be that little kid in my brain.

      1. I know a Kennedy too, but one who is a black sheep.

         1. Does he now run the department of health and human services? Did he kill a bunch of people in Samoa by lying to them about vaccines? How about brain worms? Does your black sheep have them?

   2. I know several members of bands who have 1-2 million Spotify monthly listener’s. They basically make fancy office job money 150k ish/year but they have bananas parasocial fans. Some are just regular friends and some are ex’s, a weird number of people I grew up with ended up famous.

   3. savannah guthrie! she’s brilliant, kind, and fun.

   4. Several of my college professors were quite notable in their field. When people in the field find this out I get big reactions (it’s a common interview question and gets asked in ordinary conversation as well), but people outside of the field wouldn’t know the names. Sometimes I wonder whether people are actually less impressed with me because I studied with these big names but am just very good, not world-class.

      1. Along those lines, one of my professors won a Nobel prize. But I also went to college with Mindy Kaling, and she’s definitely way more famous.

         1. I went to college with Rashida Jones and she misclassified me as an alto which…I am not!

            1. The actress Rashida Jones? Why would she be determining your voice type?

   5. I am good friends with one of our local news anchors. In our town, that makes her a celebrity because she’s in everyone’s homes every day and people “know” her. [She is awesome IRL also].

   6. One of the former stars from The Good Doctor.

   7. Angela Merkel’s husband taught at my university in undergrad and later we collaborated a little bit.

   8. Mostly nerd street cred. I worked in politics for years so lots of well know Cabinet ministers and PMs but Canadian…so small pond. My FIL is well known as a former judge and as sort of public service royalty so in Ottawa there is instant name recognition. My law school boyfriend was the great grandson of Alexander Graham Bell and we remain close with the family whose legacy is National Geographic (his dad just published his memoirs and it was great, highly recommend). I had luncheon with QEII and the Duke of Edinburgh and drinks with Robbie Williams but don’t “know” them but that was a brush with celebrity!

      1. I run into Jagmeet at the grocery store almost weekly! Ottawa is a weird small town.

   9. I know a guitarist in Nashville who tours with some big bands and is in some videos. Otherwise, charismatic session musician. You’d know him if you saw him I think, but he’s not known widely outside of actual musician circles.

   10. I know several Olympians, but not in sports where you’re famous… entirely in sports where you have to have a day job while also training for the Olympics for 8 years after college, which you definitely went to because see above.

   11. Not sure which one is most famous, but Vernon Reid, Aasif Mandvi, and Mira Jacob.

   12. A current SCOTUS justice.
       An HGTV personality.
       A former Senator (but not a well-known one).

       1. Also, a very famous music producer used to swim in the pool where I was the lifeguard. And I regularly socialize with another Grammy-award-winning producer. These guys go very under the radar outside of the industry.

   13. I work in politics, so I can speak knowledgeably about some of the lawmakers you see on tv.

       I went to high school with somebody very visible in the Obama administration.

   14. The judge from (one of?) the first criminal trials to be nationally televised.

   15. A former White House Counsel; a former Attorney General; a former Deputy Attorney General. I met the first and third when we were all baby lawyers. I met the second through a professional organization.

   16. A DJ from the most popular radio station in my large metro area, with a very well followed commute time slot. Very nice, down to earth, somewhat nerdy person IRL, despite many, many fans thinking they were the coolest ever. We were besties for a while and I got to meet some bands you’ve heard of.

10. Help me update my work wardrobe. Many of my work cardigans are starting to look kinda ratty and in my search for newer ones, I’m finding that even in work wear, everything is cropped or a lady jacket. Lady jackets are very cute, but I’ve never found one that doesn’t look weird on my long torso and I would have trouble styling one with my current tops. The other alternative is the classic button-up that you’d wear with a twin set, which is more buttoned up than I prefer. I love a good sweater blazer, but they’re way too hot to wear from mid-May through mid-October.

    I fully understand that cropped and boxy is the style right now, but I’m trying to ride out this trend cycle and stick to more classic fits when I can find them. Any other ideas for third pieces to wear from late spring through early fall?

    I’m 5’8″ and pear-shaped.

    1. I too really struggle with toppers, I don’t love a buttoned up twin set cardigan, and with a full bustline, “Lady Jackets” look very mumsy on me.

       Maybe an open-collar tunic style jacket like those from Eileen Fisher? I’m not sure how formal your work is, but I like kind of “funky” jackets, I have a small collection of really artsy stuff I got from the French brand Lilith–they’re too light to wear during fall and winter but they’re perfect in warm weather. One is a textured brocade-like fabric with an almost swallow-tail back detail.

       I also like a kimono-style topper for much warmer weather, those are great to add a little extra to an otherwise plain outfit.

11. Ugh — the same hippies in my area who are making measles great again are also into swapping pumped milk for their babies. But because it’s greater Asheville, they are definitely not otherwise Trumpy, just odd bedfellows.

    1. They might be more Trumpy than you think. The crunchy-to-alt-right pipeline is real.

       1. +1

    2. oh, my…..

    3. I honestly can’t think of anything more horrifying than taking pumped milk (or who knows what is really in the baggie) from a stranger and giving it to an unvaccinated child. That’s like pill parties or sharing needles to me. OMFG.

       At least if you had a wetnurse, you could verify it was at least a fresh bodily fluid. Middle ages did some things better than we do.

    4. Donor milk is extremely common to the point where I’m not sure I’d consider it fringe or even crunchy. Lots of Facebook groups exist for this purpose and they are full of otherwise normal people. I would have thought it was crazy before I had kids, to be fair.

       1. Why do people do this? Help me understand.

          In Asheville, there is so much weed that I assume some edibles or worse has been consumed or inhaled by the woman who pumped.

          There are legit milk banks but I’d never DIY this.

          1. Because they don’t make enough milk for their baby, which very often is a temporary problem as supply establishes.

             1. Most women who solicit donor milk on Facebook are doing it for the long term. They spend the immediate postpartum period working to increase their own supply and avoid formula.

          2. They do this because mothers are made to feel like failures if their child is given even a drop of formula. I remember the tears and guilt and shame in my mom’s group of people who had no supply. Maybe we do it to ourselves? Maybe messaging to new mothers could be kinder and more supportive?
             A new mom, with wacked out hormones and lack of sleep will buy into anything that tells her she is doing a good job, and for many that’s breastmilk.

          3. Donors may want to donate but don’t want to jump through all the hoops that milk banks require. They could also just want to donate to a nearby neighbor. Someone may want milk for their babies for various reasons that don’t involve having a medically fragile newborn (you can’t exactly stroll into a milk bank and pick up milk). I know someone who adopted a baby who drank donated milk from a mother whose baby died. There are a lot of emotions around breastfeeding and doing what is “best” for your baby. People create these networks to try to help each other.

          4. Because they’ve been conditioned to think that formula is evil.

       2. But that is quite different than this situation.

    5. Would I offer my child breastmilk from some random person I met on the Internet? No. Have I offered to share within my group of friends and family? Yeah. Donor milk is expensive and they’ve got a NICU baby and I’ve got milk in the freezer and an 11 month old baby that prefers drinking from the tap, as it were. I can’t imagine doing it just for funnsies, but it’s not as crazy to me as refusing to vaccinate your child.

12. On days I lift I am famished for hours afterwards.

    I usually lift mid morning, occasionally I lift before work. Before I lift I do a few homemade lattes (2% milk and collagen powder) and usually a piece of toast or something. Admittedly, not a ton but a decent mix of carbs, fats, and protein.

    Right after I lift I have a protein shake. Then, it’s usually lunch time and I have lunch. This week I’m having lemon garlic shrimp, brown rice, and green beans. I eyeball my portions, I’m not super strict on it. But then after lunch I’m still hungry so today I had chocolate milk (usually pretty filling for me), fruit, pretzels and banana bread. Still hungry…

    1. Clearly, you need to eat breakfast. Like… real food.

    2. That’s because you’re not eating any real food. Eat breakfast. Eat something that’s not a liquid.

    3. Eat more, especially fat and protein. I also lift and run, and I’m hungry just reading your description of your meals…

       1. I can see that my breakfast can be light (see below about my GERD), but does my lunch seem too light for you too?

          I don’t get this famished feeling on running/biking days, just lift and swim days.

          1. Seems too light for me. I’d be famished. And then fruit, pretzels, and banana bread are woefully not up to the task of getting you through the afternoon. Shrimp is your only significant protein, and that’s, what? 20-30g? Not enough when lifting, even when you include the shake.

             1. About 25g from the shrimp and the shake. I drink about ~2 cups of Fairlife milk with the lattes, which is another 26g.

          2. Impossible to say without knowing portion sizes. What is your caloric intake and what are your macros?

             But based solely on your descriptions, I see a ton of carbs, a little protein, and almost no fat. You have to increase your fat intake. Peanut butter on the toast. Cook the green beans in olive oil instead of steaming them. Pair cheese or nuts with your fruit. Etc.

    4. I can try… with my GERD I don’t have an appetite in the morning. Choking down the toast is usually hard enough for me

       1. I also don’t always have an appetite in the morning. Have you tried eating “second” breakfast after your workout? Counting the shake as first perhaps.

          1. Usually I work out and then eat lunch pretty soon after. Like today I worked out, had the protein shake, showered, and had a quick meeting and then started making lunch

       2. I am surprised if you have GERD that pre-work out lattes feel like a good idea. I agree with the recs to get more fat – hard boiled eggs for breakfast and maybe some avocado or yogurt or something at lunch.
          Personally, those lattes would make my stomach upset and I would spend the day eating in an effort to make my stomach stop hurting rather than to fill up/fuel. (i.e., I would mistake the stomach ache for hunger)

    5. I would suggest downloading a macro tracking app and just track (weighing) everything you consume for a week or two. Then you can look at each macro and see where you might need more or less. I shoot for 1 gram of protein per body weight (40% calories), 30% fat, 30% carbs, 25+ grams fiber.

    6. You need more fats. Add half an avocado or olives to your lunch and berries for dessert. Try peanut butter for a mid morning snack before lifting. I’d add a fiber brownie in there instead of banana bread but that’s me.

    7. I make a big protein shake vs. just powder and water after my workout. It includes almond milk or 2% milk, greek yogurt (2% normally or 0% if I’m trying to shred down a bit), full scoop of protein powder, and spinach. I’ve also done banana and peanut butter in the past if I’m treating it as a proper meal replacement.

       I agree with the other commenters that without knowing portions, it’s hard to know if you need more calories in general.

       I also agree that you’re not getting enough fat and protein, it looks carb-heavy to me. Add some cheese to your shrimp and rice bowl. Add some avocado to your toast (I’d add 2 hard-boiled eggs to it, honestly). Eat a can of tuna and some nuts for snack vs. pretzels and fruit. Eat beef jerky along with your protein shake.

    8. Girl, a chunk of your calories are coming from liquids. EAT FOOD.

    9. You can’t drink all your calories and expect to feel full. Lots of research backs this up.

    10. More fiber, denser proteins. For your lunch, think about steak, a big salad with lots of lettuce or spinach or kale, and avocado.

    11. You’re also hungry because it’s 4:39 pm and therefore almost dinner time. But I echo the other posters that you need meals with solid food in them in order to the sensation of being full, which is not psychological but actually the result of hormones that are triggered by … having a belly full of food!

13. I am in house at a big company but one where most people join and stay forever. The average tenure of the legal department is like 15 years and that includes the 4 people who have joined in past years. I’ve never worked in a place like this and one thing about it is that my colleagues are soOO open with each other and it makes me so uncomfortable. I was eating lunch in our breakroom with another attorney having a casual chat and another colleague came up and unloaded how he is reconnecting with his birth father who was kind of abusive growing and also alcoholic and just told those stories and his emotions about it for like 30 minutes. That’s weird right?

    1. I do think that at companies where ‘lifers’ are common you end up with more honesty and familiarity. Every job that I’ve had where they grind through staff relationships were very structured and high level. I’ve had two jobs with lots of lifers and I know all about my colleagues from their experiences with colonoscopy prep to their divorce co-parenting drama.

    2. I haven’t been at my job very long (2 years), but we travel a lot and work really long hours together so people are pretty close and thus pretty open.

    3. it’s normal for long-term colleagues to open up to each other about more personal stuff, but monologuing about childhood trauma in the break room to someone you don’t know well … for half an hour … is not.

    4. Weird but common for places like this I think.

    5. I am also at a lifer company. Nobody talks like that.

    6. I moved from a company with a known toxic environment to a company with lifers. In my new job I had colleagues who had been with the company 20 years! They had pictures displayed on their desks where they were at each others’ weddings and babies’ christenings! They went for regular lunches and once went to the memorial service of a former colleague who had left some years ago.
       They were open, close and informal at times. I took a long time to open up to this team and kept it very professional (I was the boss of some of them and couldn’t fathom talking about my problems at lunch). Eventually (now 5 years in and in a different department) I am friends with them and included in their lunches and sometimes let my guard down a bit. It’s a big change and I’m happy to be part of a group like this, even though I found it so weird at first.

14. I have a 3rd date tonight but had a long day at work, and kinda don’t feel like going. I don’t mind the idea of getting a low key drink with friends or something, but a date feels like a lot. Does this mean I don’t like the guy? Don’t feel relaxed? Or just that friends are always easier after a long day?

    1. not long, tough*

       just feels long

    2. I’d think it’s too early for a date with him to be as easy as a low key friend drink after a tough day. I would note how you feel after though.

       1. This is what I s thinking. It won’t be a way but I should at least not feel more (mentally) tired after

       2. This is what I s thinking. It won’t be a way but I should at least not feel more (mentally) tired after

    3. I’m not an extrovert, so I NEVER feel like going anywhere after a tough day at work. If I can be with people who are easy, like long-term, low-key friends, maybe. For me, it would have nothing to do with the guy, but with the fact that I didn’t have any energy and I just wanted to go home and not deal with anything.

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