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I'm always a big fan of Monica Vinader's organic, chic jewelry designs — and while they're usually a splurge, they're not super expensive either (in fact a great Mother's Day gift if people are looking; the brand has an alphabet line that's great for moms). This pretty necklace is interesting because it's still delicate and teensy, but makes a lot more of a statement than other delicate necklaces — but feels very fresh and 2019 compared to, say, the bubble statement necklaces of yore. The pictured necklace is $295 at Saks, but note that the brand site has a ton of other options (in agate, etc, as well as single nugget necklaces if you want an even more delicate look). Siren Mini Nugget Cluster 18K Rose Gold & Pink Quartz Necklace
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Sales of note for 9.10.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
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- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – BOGO 50% everything, includes markdowns
- White House Black Market – 30% off new arrivals
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
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Bridal Shower
What is the proper order of a bridal shower events? I’m hosting one for the first time and don’t know where to start.
What are your favorite bridal shower games? An no thank you to the “bridal shower games suck we’re all adults crowd”. This particular bride loves those type of games and it’s a very mixed crowd (older family, college, high school, and work friends) so your standard “let’s mix and mingle” advice won’t really work.
Anon
I think games are actually more awkward with a mixed crowd? We played the newlywed game at my shower and it was so much fun, but some of the questions were definitely PG-13, if not R, and if my mom, MIL or their friends had been there, I would have been pretty uncomfortable.
Curly
I like the bridal shower games where we learn about the couple. The host will give the couple a survey ahead of time and create a quiz based on that. The answers are funny and sweet, and you might learn something about your friend and her fiance.
Typically we do: finger foods/drinks for the first 30 mins or so. Then games (once most people have had a chance to filter in and get a drink). Then opening/admiring presents. Then the bride says thank you and everyone heads home.
Curly
Generally the favorite prize for winning the game is a scratch off lottery ticket, by the way.
LaurenB
I think a lottery ticket is a completely pointless and useless “prize.” Try a small denomination gift card to Starbucks or something that someone can actually use or re-gift.
Senior Attorney
+1 to all this.
And my favorite icebreaker for all kinds of parties is this one: https://www.icebreakers.ws/medium-group/who-am-i.html
You can use the names of famous couples to make it more bridal-themed.
Anonymous
Same
Cat
The pattern I’ve seen a few times: shower is at, say, 11:00. Mingling for the first 1/2 hour as people arrive, sit down for brunch around 11:30 or so, play a game after people have placed their order and/or as people have dessert, then open presents. Wraps up around 2:00, maybe 3.
Crowd-pleasing game requires some prep work, but you ask the SO a set of questions and have them answer as to themself and the bride, and then at the shower you ask the bride the same things, to answer for herself and what she thinks their SO said — comparing notes can be pretty funny and it plays well in a mixed crowd.
If it’s a big shower (more than, say, 25 people) REALLY consider having a “display shower” rather than opening gifts sequentially. Watching a person open their towels, plates, whatever is boring AF after about 10 minutes but it feels rude to chat with other guests rather than watching and oohing and aahing.
anon
Whatever you do, please keep it to 2-2.5 hours max. Showers that last longer than that are … really not fun.
Most of the showers I’ve attended or hosted have been along the lines of:
First 30 minutes: Mingle, get food, have people introduce themselves and how they know the bride. Skip the third item if it’s an especially big shower.
Next 30 minutes: Do games/icebreakers/activities if you must. People can continue eating if they want.
Final hour: Open gifts, let the bride interact with all her guests after the gifts are done.
I agree that the “get to know you” games or matching the celebrity couples are generally OK for everyone.
LaurenB
I don’t think you need to have “formal” introductions (going around the room). People will naturally meet and mingle.
LaurenB
Please don’t make a veil or dress out of toilet paper. If you have to do an icebreaker, make it a trivia game about the couple.
Anon
My favorite baby shower activity is decorating onesies – it’s an easy way to start a conversation woth people you are sitting next to and appropriate/not awkward for friends, family, whatever. Ian there a bridal shower-equivalent craft? Like decorating dish towels or something?
Anon
For my sister’s shower, I made bingo cards out of her registry items for the guests to play bingo while she opened gifts. Gift opening can also go on way too long depending on the bride and this kept people engaged. Bingo went over surprisingly well at the shower, and I had a number of themed gift baskets I gave out as prizes (ie: wine them, bubble bath theme, candles, etc)
anon
Are cruises fun? I am trying to plan a 4-5 night vacation with my sibling and families and our parents. That’s 6 adults and 4 kids ages 2 to 8. SIL is really into cruises but as a claustrophobe, they give me anxiety. Is there another easy vacation plan that accommodates a large, multigenerational group as well as a cruise? Most of the group is in the LA area.
Anonymous
No they aren’t. They have crowds and bad food. They’re just cheaper and easier than a resort.
Anonymous
A resort you can’t leave that has bad/expensive WiFi and (sometimes) timed dinners.
I must have some fugitive genes in me b/c I must have way to escape everything (church = rearmost pew, right corner aisle seat) and there is no escaping from a cruise ship.
Cruising
The lack of WiFi is why it was one of my best vacations ever. We were forced to disconnect and pay attention to each other.
Anon CPA
Completely agree. Plus it was nice to tell work that I would be unreachable.
Anonymous
Disney beach resort in Florida? It’s a beach resort for the grown-ups with Disney aspects for the kids. Or one of the Beaches resorts in the Caribean?
Could also cruise to Bermuda,stay at the Fairmont Southhampton and fly home.
I hate cruises but I know lots of people love them.
anonymous
How about an all-inclusive resort? You can take optional excursions from the resort.
Anon
I’d suggest an all-inclusive resort instead. It will give people more options (you can do some stuff together while offering people the option to do things by themselves). I don’t hate cruises like I suspect other posters may but in your situation I’d opt for an all-inclusive resort.
Anon
I think cruises are generally comparable to all-inclusive resorts in terms of food and crowds, although it does depend a lot. I don’t think they’re cheaper or easier than resorts, necessarily. I enjoy both cruises and resorts but need to mix them with other forms of more active travel (even though that can be pretty exhausting with kids). For me, I’d immediately think of a cruise if I wanted a very relaxing vacation and was going somewhere where I would enjoy the actual cruising, especially with nice scenery to enjoy from the boat (think someplace like Alaska, Norway or the Mediterranean). In the Caribbean, I would rather just stay at a resort and get to see one island well, versus hopping around to a different island every day but not really getting to see any of them. I think with a large, multigenerational group a resort might be better. Cruise ship cabins are notoriously small.
anon
I’ve only been on one cruise, but it’s not an experience I want to repeat. I have never felt so much cabin fever on a vacation before; I felt so trapped! (Because I was.) There was not nearly as much time for sightseeing and getting off the boat as I imagined. As an introvert, it was … not fun or relaxing to be around that many people at all times.
I would definitely go for an all-inclusive resort.
Monday
+1. I’m an introvert who likes quiet time, scenery and exercise for a relaxing vacation. I went on one cruise, and it made all of these things extremely difficult. I’ll also add that if you have any dietary restrictions, food can be a huge problem. I regret going!
Anon
I’m surprised about the food point. I don’t think cruise food is amazing or anything, but the cruise lines I’ve been on and have been incredibly accommodating of dietary restrictions. And it seems easier than trying to find suitable food in a foreign country where you don’t speak the language.
Monday
Huh. My issue was just that I was vegetarian, and I really lacked entree options on the boat. I ended up eating tons of starch.
busybee
I have a non-voluntary food restriction and the cruise I was on was incredibly helpful and I was able to eat substantially more than I ever can at American restaurants. They also had several vegetarian options at every meal in every restaurant on the ship. I didn’t love how I felt a little cattle-called at times, especially leaving for excursions. However, we really enjoyed having a home base to go back to each day, and only having to unpack once.
Anon
My MIL took a cruise at the insistence of my FIL. Apparently they almost got divorced, because she was so miserable due to a combination of seasicknesses and claustrophobia. Cruises are not my favorite thing (I’m a food snob and the food on cruises is kind of mediocre), but I don’t hate them. I’d be cautious if you’re claustrophobic though.
Cruising
I’m claustrophobic and have LOVED the two cruises I have taken but, we did things a little differently than the norm. First, we booked suites for both trips even though it was just the two of us. We had priority boarding and disembarkation. Our room was more like the size of a regular hotel room, if not larger. It had a king sized bed, a living room space and a full bathroom with a full sized tub. It also had large windows overlooking the ocean. This also gave us access to a less crowded priority restaurant for breakfast and lunch. We had butler and concierge service too.
We planned our own excursions separate from the cruise line, mostly just exploring on our own. We didn’t have to deal with crazy crowds by any stretch of the imagination. We did Norwegian, once in May and once in November. Maybe because these were during the school year, there were very few children and lots of older folks. Accordingly, the bars were not crowded at all. We absolutely loved our trips and can’t wait to do another one.
Side note – I have multiple food allergies and it was SO much easier to eat safely on the ship than trying to navigate restaurants in foreign countries. They even offered me to-go lunches if I wanted to bring them on excursions. There were some stops where I had researched a safe place to eat but on others, I was glad to hop back on the ship to eat safely and then go back out into the town.
Anonymous
I will say that when I watched Downton Abbey, I did think that a Viking River Cruise might be OK b/c it is like a means of transit that is actually nice and actually goes places and the route might be interesting.
Going through open ocean seems like you’re going nowhere at all, which makes me thing of . . . Dead Calm.
Senior Attorney
I’ve been on both ocean and river cruises. I actually have had a great time on giant ships on ocean cruises, and I second Cruising’s suggestion to get the big suite and all the perks, and book your own excursions.It’s like being in Las Vegas or somewhere with a lot of entertainment and relaxation and I loved it.
The trouble with river cruises is that the clientele is VERY VERY OLD. We were on a Trek bicycle tour that was part of a river cruise, so our group of 20 was off riding bikes all day every day and it was great, but if we’d just have been on the cruise and at the mercy of the (load on a bus, walk around in a big group, load back on the bus) included excursions, we’d have been bored out of our minds.
blueberries
I’ve never been on a cruise and would like to keep it that way.
If you get along very well, what about renting a large house near things of interest? From LA, Mexico or Central America might be most convenient (and having daily housekeeping and cooking staff could be more affordable than going to Big Sur/Carmel). I’ve done something similar in San Juan del Sur, Nicaragua, but I wouldn’t go there right now because of the political situation.
Vicky Austin
We went on a cruise for our honeymoon and I loved it. Why did I love it? Because it was just me and my husband and we were newlyweds and totally happy to be crammed into a tiny cabin together, or walk all over a city by ourselves. I don’t think it would be as fun with that many people or with kids so young. Trying to stick to a routine for a 2yo while also having fun might be darn near impossible on a cruise ship.
Anon
Eh I’ve cruised with a 2 year old and it was fine. Not really any better/worse than staying in a hotel with a 2 year old, as far as sticking to a routine. We were confined to the cabin when she napped, but we had a balcony cabin so we didn’t have to sit in the dark. When she wasn’t napping we got off the ship and did what we would have done if we were just visiting the area. Meals were probably easier on a cruise – buffets are fabulous for kids because even the pickiest eaters can find something.
Housecounsel
When I think of a cruise, I think of gluttony and norovirus.
Anon
+1
Every single person I’ve spoken to who loves cruises leads with how much food you get.
And those stuck at sea with a horrible virus stories scare the beejezus out of me.
Anon
I did three trips like what you are describing when I was growing up with my mom’s side of the family. So grandparents, 8 adults, and 6 children. Most of the family was from California.
— Alaskan small boat cruise– Boat of 50 or less people. Food was excellent. I think we only had one on-shore day after getting on the boat, but we were going to see glaciers, wildlife, etc. the whole time. It seemed like there was always something happening. I think the cruise was 4-5 days. Age range of kids was 6-13. We had a great time.
— Dude ranch resort near Yellowstone– Really cool idea in theory. Most activities involved horse riding though, and the older people were too sore after the first day to do it again. Food was bad. (I got food poisoning.) Then there was a fire blocking our way to Yellowstone.
— Feather river area resort in California– Great trip. Food was wonderful. Lots of cute towns and pretty places to visit/hike. Age range of kids was 10-17.
Anon
Rent a bunch of houses near each other like in the Russian River area so you get some togetherness and some separation.
Housecounsel
Bonus of the Russian River idea – lots of really good pinot noir to help make dealing with relatives easier.
Anon
Which is why I go there every summer ;)
Anon
https://www.russianrivergetaways.com/
Inspired by Hermione
My parents LOVED the Viking Cruise cruise in France and they’re really not cruise people. it had a mix of relaxing time on the boat on the rivers and time in individual, beautiful towns (plus Paris!) Maybe not for kids, but it is an alternative to the 10 days at sea with water slides and shows nonsense.
Anon
Viking doesn’t allow kids, which is pretty common for the luxury cruise lines.
Inspired By Hermione
Whoops. Well, if anyone else reads this, apparently it is excellent for adults :)
Anonymous
I took a Viking ocean cruise last year starting in Norway and cruising across the northern coast of Europe, then on to St Petersburg and finishing up in Sweden. 15 days and 9 counties I think. The food was very good, no casino on board, resident historians provided interesting talks, beautiful boat and a great spa on board. 900 passengers. But as mentioned no kids under 16. I would do another Viking ocean cruise in a heartbeat. Totally loved it.
Inspired by Hermione
I should have said earlier- my extended family has done many trips like this. Our favorite is Kiahuna Plantation on Kauai. Individual condos for each family, dinner each night at a different family house. Beach time, alone time, adventures galore.
We also did Sun River, which was fine. All in one house and for reasons I won’t get into, I ended up on the couch in the living room and it sucked. But if you get a house where everyone can have their own space (with a bathroom!) it might also work.
Anon
Does anyone else get sucked into Instagram ads? I keep seeing an ad for a brand called Toast that is showing these pretty summer dresses in a lightweight cotton lawn… exactly what the fantasy me, but not the real me, would love to wear. How did they know? Did I doom myself to see it forever by clicking on it?
Anonymous
Judging by the number of ads I’ve gotten for brand new luxury condos and townhouses I can’t afford after once clicking on a picture of a stunning kitchen in one of said ads, you’re now in for life.
Anon
Instagram’s targeted ads have me nailed down, it’s crazy. And they are like catnip. They are 100% responsible for my purchase of that one-shoulder Summersalt swimsuit, but it actually is as amazing as it appeared to be, so I ain’t mad … although my wallet would do better without those ads ….
Anonymous
Oh I want it too but is it good for boobs?
Anon
I got the spaghetti strapped summersalt with a mesh front and low back (the mesh sidestroke I think its called) and am a big fan (34DD so not huge, but substantial enough that I need some support). I’m trying to resist the temptation to buy the one shoulder one now.
Anon at 3:30
I cannot speak to the boobs issue as I am an A, but it is great in all other respects.
Anon
Ha! I see that ad alllllllll the time and I love it! Good to know it lives up to the advertising. ;)
Gail the Goldfish
Me too and now I may have to buy it.
But yea, Instagram’s ads are by far the most effective targeted ads for me, so kudos to whoever developed their algorithm. I have bought several things after seeing them on an Instagram ad (BodyBoss method workout books, shoes, some horse-related stuff. It’s got me pegged).
Housecounsel
I love that one-shoulder Summersalt suit! So the brand is good? Is the fabric compressive?
Anon at 3:30
Great material and I think it has good compression. I got the one that’s tones of green and it’s gorgeous. It’s definitely a substantial and well-made suit. I preach this suit and I swear I’m not paid by them (but obviously should be).
Anon
I totally do but I’ve also made a bit of a game out of it to see if I can trick social media ad algorithms into thinking I’m someone I’m not. Once you put effort into seeing if you can change what’s marketed to, it can help you realize what’s happening and pull yourself out of the vortex
Anonymous
The ad algorithms all think I am plus-sized and can read Spanish. Neither one of these things is true.
Monday
+1 on the plus size. I follow all plus-sized models and accounts, and so I get lots of plus size clothing ads. Wasting their money on that, I can’t buy from them! What really bothers me though is that I also get ads for diet programs and bariatric surgery. I have never once searched for anything related to weight loss, but because I’m a fan of plus sized models then it’s assumed I want to lose weight or have medical problems related to weight. FOOEY, even if I personally was plus sized.
Anon
Comversely I am plus sized and I get ads for straight sized swimsuits and clothing… I’m OP. I would actually like to buy one of the Toast tops but it doesn’t come in my size. (It says size 18 but that’s a Us 14)
Ribena (formerly Hermione)
Toast is gorgeous. I once found an incredible grey peached silk dress from them in a charity shop for £12.50. It suited me down to the ground….. and six months later my parents’ washing machine was plumbed in wrongly and the cold ‘hand wash’ cycle ran with hot water and it shrunk when it was washed while I visited them. I’ve never been so sad about a washing disaster.
Anon
Oh no! That’s awful.
Inspired by Hermione
Oh, totally. Scrolling down right now, I get:
Summersalt suits (might have to go for it with these reviews!)
Pact clothes (I really have a thing for comfy clothes that feel like PJs for the weekend…),
Ruggable (intrigued, but so expensive),
(tried it, didn’t love the one I got)
More comfy cute clothes,
Birch Lane
Stitchfix
Knixwear (Not sure about why this one is here…)
Iamfy (wall art)
Trunk Club
Le Tote (apparently Instagram thinks I really like boxes of clothes, which I have never once done, but I do like clothes…)
Wearatoms (Knockoff Allbirds, no thank you)
Wear Numi (….too real)
Floyd Detroit
Trade Coffee Co
10% Happier
Keds (about ready to pull the trigger on one of their spring floral options)
I also just realized just how many ads there are- that was not more than 3 min of scrolling.
Anonymous
Depending on your budget, another option would be to rent a house in Mexico that provides a cook. Three families I know recently did this together near Cancun and said it was fantastic. Food was great, easy/fun day trips and no competition for the pool.
Computer Recommendations
I am starting to dream about a tech upgrade. I’m a transactional lawyer, with a dual-monitor desktop at work. I have an inexpensive laptop at home that I use when I remote in. No problems with it, but wanting to upgrade this year sometime. My laptop is very long so it’s a bit of a hassle to travel with. Some lawyers here have iPads, others a Surface. Any recommendations? I’d be willing to spend about $500 to make my work more travel/remote friendly, or would spend up to $2k if I would use it in meetings, etc. during the workday. I read a lot of Word and PDF documents. Bonus if there is a reliable program I can use a stylus and edit/take notes with- I go through a ton of legal pads.
FP
I think you need an iPad Pro with the pencil and keyboard.
Anon
+1. I am a transactional attorney and I use an iPad Pro with the pencil and keyboard. I use it for all note taking. I use Notability and I like it. It can convert your handwriting to text if you want, or you can type your notes, but I usually just do handwriting. You can review and mark-up PDFs. One caveat you’ll need to think through beforehand is security of your notes and whether your firm will allow them to be stored on the cloud (to the extent that they contain confidential client information, which they likely will) or whether you’ll need to come up with another method of transferring them to/from your document management system or however else you’re managing your notes. But I used to go through notebooks so frequently, and this has helped me go almost completely paperless and it was a game changer for me. Oh, I can also remote in using the RD client app on my iPad, but it’s not *awesome*. It works, and it might be better if I had the big iPad Pro, but I prefer to remote in from my laptop.
Inspired by Hermione
I love my iPad Pro. Using it right now. I pretty much don’t use my laptop anymore.
anon
MIcrosoft Surface Pro 13″ – do your note taking right on the screen….no more transcribing or legal pads, and size fits perfectly in a bag/tote
Anonymous
I have a Surface for work and do not recommend it. It’s had multiple technical issues that caused huge problems during business travel, and our IT guy tells me that the screens crack very easily. On the other hand, I love the new Mac laptop I bought for personal use.
Anonymous
I have a Lenovo ThinkPad Yoga at work and highly recommend.
Anon
Lenovo ThinkPad all the way. The keyboards are legendary for a reason. Mine is 3 years old and still feels new. I didn’t go with the Yoga version because I have no reason for touchscreen capability and didn’t want something else that could break if I wasn’t even likely to use it.
anon for this
Relationship question: my partner does not like being reminded of the fact that I had a life before we got together, which included previous relationships. Generally it’s not an issue; that sort of thing doesn’t come up all the time. But when it does come up it’s always a huge deal: for example, the other week partner asked where a particular item had come from, and it was a gift from the person I dated in college, so I said “oh, person I dated in college gave it to me”. Thought it would be okay but then the next day I had to comfort partner for half the day (crying, etc.) before it was “okay” again. Any suggestions for how to deal? Therapy? Oh, and we have been together for 15 years and have 2 kids.
anonymous
That reaction seems a bit extreme to me, especially since you’ve been together so long. When I first got together with my husband I remember it felt weird hearing about past relationships, but now 20 years in, it doesn’t bother me at all.
Is this gift of special importance to you somehow? Or is it just something useful that you keep around? I suppose you could get rid of said item(s) but I think your partner needs to get to the root of why it bothers them so much.
Z
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I talk about past exes. I don’t do it often, but I could be talking about a place I went once and he could ask “who’d you go with?” and I’d say with a boyfriend in college.
Then current boyfriend is in a bad mood all day because I talked about an ex. I don’t particularly care when he talks about exes, they’re not a sore spot for me and I know he had a life before me. He knows his insecurity over my exes an issue and he goes to therapy for it and other issues.
Anonymous
See this is my problem with questions like this and the OP’s post. On the one hand, it’s not cool to randomly reminisce about the ex and your cool vacations/gifts/memories – the ex part generally isn’t relevant and can easily be omitted. OTOH, if you don’t want to hear about your partner’s exes then don’t ask probing questions like this. In your example, if you talked about a vacation and didn’t mention that you went with My Friend Amy, then the implication is that you went with an ex. The fact that he asked you a direct question – so you couldn’t deflect or be vague – seems like he just wanted to be mad.
Anon
Wow that’d drive me nuts. It sounds like partner could definitely benefit from therapy. Crying over a reference to an ex is a pretty extreme reaction and speaks to some deep insecurities IMO.
It’s ridiculous that you have to deal with this but to make your life easier I’d suggest replacing references to exes with old friends. You shouldn’t have to do this but it’s totally an option if you just want to avoid this until your partner figures his/her stuff out.
Hugs. I’m sorry, this sounds exhausting.
pugsnbourbon
+1 this sounds off-balance . Did your partner not date before they met you?
Anonymous
The “old friend” suggestion is a good one. Frankly I think OP was a little insensitive – idk what good comes of telling your partner of 15 years that yes, my love, this vase (or whatever) you’ve been looking at every day for the past 15 years was in fact a gift that was lovingly selected for me by an old flame! Ah the good old days! Like what is the actual point of saying that? This is what white lies were made for! I’m not excusing partner’s reaction by any means but if my SO said that to me I’d be (silently) annoyed.
Anon
Excuse me! OP was a little insensitive???
As long as people put up with crappy attitude and make sure they don’t ‘hurt’ the other person and resort to telling white lies, there will be people like OP’s SO who will continue to be passive aggressive and entitled.
AnonZ
The good it does is that you tell your partner the truth about something innocuous, rather than having to make up a white lie and then having to remember that lie forever.
If I asked my partner where they got some random object and they said, “Oh, from my ex who I dated nearly 20 years ago”, I might feel a little flare of jealousy… but I wouldn’t act on it or say anything or do anything other than think, “Oh how silly, I’m feeling jealous about someone who has long since passed out of my partner’s life.”
Managing feelings of jealousy that your partner had normal human interactions prior to meeting you is something for you to manage, not for your partner to attempt to manage.
Ellen
OK, what is the issue about you haveing had a boyfreind b/f him? Certainly you are not the first women he has slept with. He probably has had $ex with other women, so what is his problem? Tell him to grow up or you will not have $ex with him until he does. Trust me, this has always worked for me.
anon
Whoa. I figured this was a relatively new relationship. I agree that your partner needs some way to process this because it doesn’t sound particularly healthy for either of you.
Anonymous
Don’t. And tell your partner you’re not available for this anymore. “Partner, I don’t owe you any apologies for having had a life before you, and I’m not going to continue supporting you through a half day of tears because I mention someone I dated long before I met you. I’ll go to couples counseling if you want, or support you going to individual counseling, but I need you to understand how disturbing your reactions are.”
Senior Attorney
This. That reaction seems just over-the-top irrational.
Lana Del Raygun
The only situation I can think of where this would be remotely normal is if it’s lingerie.
Anonymous
Or some very expensive piece of jewelry that you wear all the time. I’m thinking like a diamond cocktail ring.
But I did have a coworker who had to stop wearing a watch her ex husband gave her (like a basic stainless steal watch) because it was from her ex.
Anon
I think solo therapy (and even perhaps medication) for your partner. Crying over an item from 15+ years ago? That seems very extreme and not normal.
Anonymous
Honestly? I think it depends on the gender of your partner. If he is a man, he needs to get a grip. If he is threatened by your past that much, then you can’t fix his insecurity. Only he can do that with the help of a therapist.
If your partner is a woman, therapy is still the answer. I would guess that there might be more complex issues at play. But luckily, women are usually more willing to go to therapy.
Anon
While I agree that this is totally not normally, I have a (male) friend whose wife is like this. If anyone talks about his past at all, she will storm out of the room. This doesn’t just mean past girlfriends/hookups but back when he was a wild child drinking and doing drugs. It’s interesting to me. She is a very outspoken feminist and I think she worries about how his past reflects on her. However, I see the man he is today, not the wild child he used to be. It has caused a lot of strife in his family and friendships to act like there was no history before her.
Anonymous
Storming out isn’t ok, but I wouldn’t want to be reminded of my SO’s wild child past either. This is the man she’s committed to building a life with, maybe committed to having children with. You don’t want to build a life with someone who drinks excessively and does drugs. And if his friends are bringing this up socially I’m guessing they’re not remorseful about it. I would be really uncomfortable with husband and his friends glorifying this sort of behavior. It’s not about reflecting on her, it’s about what are her husband’s values today – maybe he’s not doing this stuff anymore, but if he still thinks it’s what all the cool kids do then that’s problematic, particularly if they want kids.
Never too many shoes...
What? I am sorry, but that is ridiculous moralizing. Why on earth should he and his friends be “remorseful” about having had some debauchery in their youth (which I am sure is along the lines of too many shots followed by some epic adventures). We are not talking about behaviour now, we are talking about having fun as a young adult.
The wife is being a giant ball of insecurity about that and her dramatics are completely and totally uncalled for. If my husband walked out every time my friends reminisced about some undergraduate shenanigans…well, he would never come back.
Equestrian attorney
I mean, no one particularly likes hearing about their partner’s exes, but I agree this seems extreme. Do you wear this particular item a lot? Is there any other reason why he might be upset by it? If no extrinsic circumstances, this definitely requires therapy (ind and/or couples).
Anon
I have a don’t ask don’t tell policy. I think my husband would slightly worry if I were holding on to sentimental things from my ex (there was only one ex, but I was married to him) so I play down any sentimentality and don’t really mention where most things came from. I don’t display pics from that time in my life either. Or at least not pics that include the ex.
I’m not hiding who I am or who I was from him, it’s just private and very personal to me. I’d like to move on from it, and I would also like to spare my husband’s feelings.
All that said, your current SO should be able to handle a small thing like that without crying!
Anonymous
I’m curious — what is the gift from the college BF?
That you still have it says that old BF was a great gift-giver, it was a random lucky gift, or something else.
I hate on most gifts I get (it’s the thought that counts) but am amazed that any gift (much less from when people generally have no $ and no sense) was such a keeper.
Anon for this
I have a multi-tool from a long term but long ago ex that I use on the regular. It lives in my purse. DH knows where I got it and occasionally asks to borrow it.
When I broke up with that ex, he tried to return a giant box of all the things I ever gave him during our relationship. I found it so puzzling, like, you are free to box them up, cry over them, burn them, sell them, give them away, whatever, but they are yours to do with what you like. I have no claim to them and they only contain whatever parts of me/us you allow them to. If you like them or find them useful, keep them!
Anon
That’s super weird and manipulative of your partner. He needs therapy.
Anonymous
You have no idea if this is manipulative or not. None.
SoAnon
A couple years ago I set up a burner email with a name like Jane Doe. I use that email/name combo when I think a website is going to end up spamming me and don’t want it to clog up my ‘real’ email account. I also use it when submitting inquiries online (i.e., to a car dealership, filling out surveys that I’m not sure if are really anonymous, etc.). I never answer calls as Jane Doe, submit applications or anything as Jane Doe. If I applied for a government job, would I need to report this as an alias? I volunteer a lot and frequently do background checks – do I need to report this ‘name’ on background checks?
Anonymous
Legally I don’t know, but if that qualifies as an alias then a whole lot of people out there will need to update their background check information to disclose the aliases “Jane Doe” and “Asdf Jkl.”
Lilliet
Do you need to report a burner email? No.
Do you need to report an alias you’ve done business (real business, not surveys) under? Yes.
Anon
Back in the day, I had an email address that was basically chocolate cake at domain name. Obviously, I don’t need to report “chocolate cake” as my alias, because I’m not a wrestler or stripper.
Likewise, no need here.
Nordstrom personal shopper in Northern VA?
I need to step up my work clothes game. Mostly I need new suits and shirts for biglaw in DC. I’m generally okay with my wardrobe, but I’m getting more senior and spending more time in meetings for which I need more suits that help me look like someone to be taken seriously. I’ve got three little kids and had been of the view that shopping online saves time, but I am finally coming around to the idea that I need to go ahead and book some time with a Nordstrom personal shopper and knock this out in one go. Any recommendations for stylists to seek or avoid in Tysons or Pentagon City? I’d also like to get someone to help me pick out new makeup at a counter… this is less of a priority, but happy to hear any recs.
Anon
We’ve talked about this here before, but I don’t think suit = “more senior” and “taken seriously.” Matchy-matchy suits = first job. Beautiful separates that coordinate well = senior lady who’s confident in who she is and what she brings to the table.
I have no experience with personal shoppers at either, but Pentagon City really understands the downtown vibe more than Tysons. Last time I was out in Tysons it was all teenagers and HNW foreign tourists.
For makeup, look into Bobbi Brown.
Anonymous
Thanks — all of these comments are helpful. I still struggle with whether I ought to always be wearing a suit when the men are wearing suits. It seems there are two camps on this question.
Anon
+1 agree with all of this, particularly the expensive separates vs full suit look
For makeup Bobbi is good, but in my experience better suited for yellowish undertones. Since I’m a pink person I do better in Trish McEvoy and Laura Mercier, which have a similar aesthetic. I do love the organization of the TM.
Anon
If you are interested in working with a personal stylist, @DCStyleFactory does a great job at taking your existing wardrobe and figure out what else you need to elevate your look.
Little Red
@DCStyleFactory is great. I worked with Rosana two years ago and she really did a great job revamping my wardrobe that had gotten very stale and limited.
Anonymous
I have a very similar issue. I used to have a few silhouettes or uniforms that felt great and confident to me – a chanel-style jacket with black trousers, a pencil skirt under a wrap blouse, etc. But I have no idea what to wear anymore. I don’t know what shape pants should be, I can’t find anything I like in the store, and I am super frustrated with everything. UGH. Is this just what happens when you turn 40?
Anonymous
NO, this is not what happens when you turn 40. There is nothing about a number on a birth certificate that makes clothes impossible to find.
Can you identify what has changed other than that you’re older than you were last year? Are you bored with how you look? Are you unhappy with something about your body? Has your office dress codes changed? Do you need to buy clothing at different stores? Something has changed other than mere aging.
If you’re just frustrated with yourself or your body and are taking it out on your clothes, maybe try a personal shopper or stylist to help you get some confidence back.
Anon
Help me dress better at my new job. I believe I’m going for “smart casual.” I work in banking but this company is like a cross between financial services and tech – the executives are in dress pants/dress shirts/ sheath but not full suit, management is in jeans and analyst level (me) it seems like anything goes. However, I am in a lot of meetings with management and executives and I want to be pulled together but not overdressed. Blazers would come across as overdressed while cardigans make me feel like I’m going to Sunday school (I’m petite so maybe they make me feel like a kid). So far I have: dark jeans, BR Sloan crop pants in black and white, and black ponte pants (which I wore all winter and I’m sick of). I desperately need tops and shoes to go with these.
Anon
Since you don’t like blazers or cardigans, I think you need structured blouses. Depending on your figure i can see that being lots of different shapes, but the key is that they are made of woven material, not a stretchy knit. Generally they’d have buttons, or could be a more structured wrap style. It depends on what feels good to you.
I’d probably pair this with loafers or a low heeled pump.
Anon
I feel like an idiot that I’m figuring out the no-stretchy knit part only recently! Structured tops in woven fabric, eh!!
Anon
I think a modern, well-cut blazer with jeans is a good look for this kind of crowd. Try Topshop, Zara, or Nordstrom for the blazer. There are two blazer styles I see a lot at my trendy casual office: an oversized double-breasted blazer or an open flowy cut with a flowy lapel.
Then add a sharp loafer or a chunky 1″ heel. I like Franco Sarto for affordable styles that look pricier than they are.
Even in an anything goes environment, I find I feel best with some kind of “third piece,” even if it’s a more casual, flowy open blazer. Just something so I don’t feel as exposed, and something with sharper lines that don’t hug my curves.
You could also try a wide-leg cropped pant with a tucked-in top and a moto-style jacket with mules.
Equestrian attorney
I wear a lot of either open front cardigans or casual jackets (a la jardigan, but I don’t actually own the MM one). Feels one step up from a church-going cardi, but one step down from a blazer. With either sloan-style pants or dark jeans, and a cute blouse or nicer t-shirt. For shoes, I mostly do booties in the winter and ballet flats or maybe a wedge in the summer.
Rainbow Hair
What about some breton striped tops? I find that wearing things with elbow length sleeves or longer can stand in the place of a blazer or cardigan (but also, i hate layers). So dresses with sleeves, tops with sleeves, etc.
If you do want to layer, what about blazer-like pieces that aren’t actually blazers? Depending on your style you could think about like, a cropped tweed moto jacket, or like “Nine West Women’s Bi Stretch Kiss Front Jacket” (on am@zon) or maybe colorful/patterned blazers?
Anonymous
+1 to jackets that are not blazers. There are a lot of faux leather and leather jackets with drapey lapels out there (RH, why no LJ recommendation?). A moto jacket would also be cute–check Nordstrom and Anthro.
The J. Crew Going Out Blazer is technically a blazer, but it has no buttons and no lapels so it looks sleeker and more contemporary. I have it in all three colors and regularly wear it with black, white, gray, or dark indigo jeans, a tee, and Rothys to meet with executives and management.
Rainbow Hair
I *do* think she should wear an LJ, but I was trying to ease her in with the tweed moto suggestion… once she sees how great it feels, she’ll get a faux-leather moto, fo sho.
NOLA
Faux leather moto jackets are my jam this year, especially the light turquoise I bought for spring. I have worn it so much!
Anon
Agree on the Going Out blazer rev – I wear mine a ton and think it’s very appropriate for more junior people who need to look professional but still kind of cool
Biggestballsintheroom
I have this Nine West jacket in olive as well as the matching pants. It’s great for a not so formal suit look and the jacket also pairs well with things like dark jeans.
Anon
I work in similar environment. Jackets are good – as long as they don’t look like it could be a part of a suit. As in no notched collar jackets if it looks formal, unless of course its a formal occasion that demands it.
Collarless jackets, Moto jackets, stylish jackets all would work. Dark colored jeans are ok in most offices. Check yours.
Anonymous
https://www.wardrobeoxygen.com/machine-washable-work-clothing-capsule-wardrobe/
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Anon Atty
Looking for some quick advice on whether to reach out or stay quiet. My assistant had a mental health emergency yesterday and had to go home for the day. She is out today too. (I am NOT the person that posted yesterday about the stressed assistant.) She is an amazing assistant and very conscientious. I’ve already told her that I see mental health no different than other types of health and to take care of herself. She’ll be back when she can come back. That said, I know that one of the things that pushed her over the edge yesterday was feeling like she was falling behind/screwed something up. She already messaged me yesterday that she was sorry for the screw up and I made clear it was not her fault, because it wasn’t.
From what I know about her, I think every day she misses she is going to be more anxious/stressed because of the work that is piling up while she is out. I’m sure she is worried whether I am being supported. She has expressed these concerns before. I want to text her that I hope she is feeling better and not to worry about anything at the office. I am doing fine and other people are handling the work so there should be less to return to. On the other hand, I’m afraid seeing any communication from the office at all could be stressful.
If I had an employee out with the flu, I’d probably still reach out and say I hope you are feeling better and we are doing okay here. I have some of my own mental health issues but never anything so severe I’ve had to miss work. I want to be sensitive but caring. Text or no text?
Anon
“Hi Sandra,
We’re all thinking about you and rooting for you. I hope you are recovering. We have your workload covered, so take your time to heal and come back when you’re ready.”
Or something.
Anon Atty
Update – she reached out to me so I’m now comfortable responding. Thanks!
S in Chicago
I would not text. Don’t make the job occupy anymore of her headspace than it already is.I also see little upside from the specific communication you are thinking about sharing. If she is super anxious about work, suddenly being told out of the blue that folks are getting along just fine without you can at best feel like you aren’t needed and at worst feel like a veiled threat that if you don’t get back in then the hole you left will be filled. She also may get more anxious should she suspect the call is really about folks looking for gossip… I hate to think this way. But I also think any communication like this opens the door to hearing details about her personal situation that may make it more difficult if you ever need to be on the end of disciplining her in some way as her manager. Give her privacy and respect. Stand up for her if you see others unfairly blaming her or pressuring her. That’s the best way to be supportive here.
Anonymous
These are a ripoff. This is a copy of an Ippolita design called Rock Candy, that comes in either sterling or real gold (not vermeil) at a variety of price points.
Anon
Good call. I feel strangely loyal to Ippolita since I met her at a trunk show (she was lovely) but I can’t afford much of her jewelry!
Anonymous
Neiman Marcus Last Call and RueLaLa occasionally have her pieces on discount!
Emma
Well, I got my MM La Fleur bento and for the first time I liked everything in it except one piece. No more shopping for me for a long time though, it was not a cheap box!
Anonymous
What did you get?
Emma
The Peggy 3.0 top, super flattering and thick material, The Dietric Jacket (very pricey but very chic, looks better on than in the website pics), the Hockley 2.0 Pant (none of their pants have ever looked right on me, these fit like a dream), The Logan Skirt and McDonough top in faded stripe (they can be worn together to look like a dress or as separates), and the Constance Dress (just another black dress, but it has POCKETS).
Martina Roy
This is very really unique helpful information. keep it up. Thank you so much!