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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 147 Comments · by

Frugal Friday’s Workwear Report: Side Ruched V-Neck Top

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Sleeveless Work Top: Vince Camuto Side Ruched V-Neck TopOur daily workwear reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. I noticed this a while ago: it is remarkable how many versions of this top Nordstrom has right now. Neutral solids! Neon solids! Softer solid shades like olive/coral! Polka dots! Flowers! And so on. If memory serves I've tried this one on and thought it was too clingy for me and my muffintop, but if that isn't an issue for you (You love Spanx? You love planks? On better terms with your muffintop than I am with mine?), do consider this top. It's available in regular and petite sizes (and right now only a few colors in plus sizes) for $29-$49. It's also available in a maxi dress version. Pictured: “rich black.” Vince Camuto Side Ruched V-Neck Top Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-6)

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Comments

  1. Sydney Bristow

    The topic of making new friends as an adult has come up here a few times. I thought people might be interested in this. Link in reply.

  2. lucy stone

    I went to another school in MN and practice in government in WI, so I’m not sure how helpful I’ll be, but the U is by far the best school in Minnesota and should be fairly portable. I don’t know if I would take the U over Northwestern or U of C if I wanted to practice in Chicago, but if I was open to practicing in Minneapolis I’d take the U in a heartbeat. Less debt or less out of pocket costs are always good and you’re comparing three excellent schools. If you are set on practicing in small town Wisconsin please be aware that there are apparently only two law schools in the entire world, but anywhere else in the Midwest and you should be golden.

    Living in Minneapolis is also amazing and eight years out, I still miss it every day.

    • Mpls

      I think the U has also been making more of a push to break into the Chicago market, so going to MN isn’t going to close that door. The other advantage of the smaller class has been more attention from the Career Center (to engaged students) about making sure you do get placed.

  3. Dog

    Between the two of us, my live-in boyfriend and I have 3 dogs. Dog A is mine, and B and C are his. Dog A and B are very well behaved – they’re both 5, low-key, well-trained. Dog C drives me crazy, and I think he is having adjustment issues with me and my dog having moved in.

    Dog C is a rescue, about 3 years old. He seems to have had a rough puppyhood and acts incredibly insecure. He literally never stops asking for attention – his head is always in your lap, he barks and whines at you, he won’t stop licking you. All day, every day, nonstop. No amount of attention is enough. He also barks so, so much. I am unable to take naps because he is so loud. I swear we are going to get a noise complaint from the neighbors. Finally, he is potty trained but lately pees in the house all the time in what seems to be a territorial way. I am feeling miserable, like I can’t relax with all of the barking and in-your-faceness and pee.

    All of the dogs have great lives. They get so much attention – we play and cuddle a ton. They get long walks every day, and we have a big backyard. There is so much dog company. I am only out of the house 3 days a week, and we hire a dog walker to come give them an extra hour-long walk on those days. The house is 2000 square feet and they have full roam to run around.

    BF agrees that the behavior is too much, but we both have a lot of pity for this dog who clearly had some rough times. I suggested we get a citronella bark collar to help with the barking, but BF feels it is inhumane – he says the dog just needs more walks and more treats (but he already gets so many of both!). Can a trainer actually help with behaviors like this? The dog is actually well-trained in terms of sit/drop-it/stay etc. Can you train him to “self-soothe”? (Ha.) I love animals, but having a dog whine at me all day long is exhausting.

    • Anonymous

      Yes, I think training can help with this kind of behavior. How long have you lived together? If <6 months, I think there's a good chance this behavior will resolve on its own as the dog adjusts. I think your BF would really benefit from meeting with a dog trainer. My understanding is that when a dog who is already getting plenty of attention barks and whines for attention, you need to give less not more. More walks and more treats do not seem like the answer here.

    • Anonymous

      Yes a trainer can absolutely help with this. Try asking local rescue groups if they have one they recommend.

    • cbackson

      Yes, yes, yes! A trainer can definitely help. You’ll want one with a strong behavioral background. I agree that local rescue groups are likely to be a good source of referrals. It may be expensive in the short term, but you’ll want to act quickly before the potential for you to bond with this dog is taxed by the behavior (which is totally understandably frustrating and exhausting). It’s fairly common for puppies to require a lot of attention, because they’re in the exploratory phase and want to always be doing something, but a three-year-old should be beyond that, so I suspect you’re right that the dog is struggling.

      (Also, how long has your bf had the dog, and how do the three dogs relate to one another?)

    • mascot

      I’d probably start with a vet visit to rule out any medical issues that are causing peeing inside issues. Also, is he neutered? How long has BF had this dog? I agree with previous posters that say that time may be the thing that helps the most. It can take dogs a while to adjust to a new situation
      I think a trainer, preferably one with some background in animal behavior, can help out here. Neediness and anxiety are things that can be worked on with behavioral therapies and possibly medication.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      It’s great that the dogs have so much space, but do any of them have a space that’s just for them individually, like a crate or room or something? If it’s an adjustment/territory thing, I’m wondering if C would benefit from having a “safe space” that’s just his, where the other dogs (especially A, who is new to the “pack”) can’t encroach on him.

      I grew up with multiple dogs, and each dog always had a spot – sometimes a room, sometimes just a three-sided alcove or even an oversized crate set up in a quieter part of the house – that only belonged to him/her, where s/he could go when the other dog(s) (and cat, and bird, and small children) were too much for him/her. Especially for my parents’ first dog (who started life as an only pet and had two dog-siblings, a cat-sibling, a bird-sibling, and two child-siblings by the time he was seven), I’m pretty sure his ability to retreat from us all and be “king of the castle” in his own little space made the difference between my parents being able to keep him or having to re-home him.

      • MargaretO

        Seconding this – my dog loves her crate and retreats there when she is overwhelmed, feeling sick, exhausted when there’s a house full of people, whatever. She is also a rescue who had a rough time early in life, and she was pretty anxious and still very needy attention wise, and I feel like having the crate set up right really helped her be able to ‘self soothe’ – basically just by going into it. Throwing a blanket over the top of it to make it more cave like helped a lot, and I also put both a memory foam pad/dog bed and a blanket that she can smush around and make a nest with. The blanket goes into her travel crate when we travel. It sounds a little excessive/spoiled dog but I genuinely think its made a difference behaviorally and made her calmer!

        • CK

          Trainer! I have a GREAT trainer in the Northern Virginia area…if any one needs a rec. She has helped our puppy with many issues that are similiar but not exactly like this, as she is younger.

          • CK

            Keep It Cute Dog training – google her – she is SO AWESOME. I guess she is expensive, but I don’t know what to compare her to? She’s worth every penny. I can answer specific questions, but she has been working with my 7 month old puppy and within a week and a half of intensive training, I can see a huge difference, she has anxiety issues and she already is a much calmer/happier/less stressed puppy.

        • Killer Kitten Heels

          Good call on the blanket – we’ve had a rescue dog for about 4 months now (he’s 5, he started his life in a puppy mill as a breeding dog!), and he has a “blankie” that he is obsessed with. It goes everywhere with him, and having the blankie available to retreat to/snuggle with has made him much more portable than he otherwise would be (because his other “safe place” is my lap, which is not super-convenient when, say, we brought him with us to Easter dinner!).

      • Blonde Lawyer

        This! I used to be anti-crate training until I got a velcro dog. My vet and the dog’s trainer both said she had to spend some time in a crate. When she was getting too needy especially. It really helped. I started small. Put her in the crate in the kitchen with me while I did the dishes for example. Then I at least wouldn’t trip over her. She’s 11 now and we only used the crate from about 8 months to a year and a half but it made such a tremendous difference. Once she got used to the crate we crated her when we weren’t home and when we were in bed. Then she graduated to just being crated when we weren’t home. And then no crate at all again. Her crate was her safe space. Even if we were home and she was free, if there was thunder or something else scary she would run to her crate and go inside.

        • Anonymous

          It wasn’t even full on crate training but giving my 70lb lab mix a “place” (the crate) was critical. He wouldn’t care if we closed it, but we never really did. Only when we got a toddler did we ever close the door and that was to keep the baby out, not the dog in!

          • Anonymous

            Same with our lab mutt. He just needed somewhere to be. We took a similar approach to Blonde Lawyer, and eventually we just swapped the crate out for a nice large dog bed. It was still just somewhere that he could chill out.

  4. Care

    I don’t know anything about Minnesota, but I totally understand how hard it is to make that decision! I was accepted to a T14 law school with a nice scholarship and turned it down for a full scholarship at a school ranked around 50 because of the money and the location of DH’s job. Even though I did well in school and have a job that I love (that I know I wouldn’t have gotten if I’d gone to the T14 school), I constantly question my decision and wonder about what might have been. I’m not planning to leave my state and I don’t think it will really make a huge difference career-wise going forward, but I hate feeling “less than” or looked down on by the people that went to the more prestigious schools. I would seriously consider whether that will bother you – law is a very prestige-focused profession. On the other hand, I really like not having any debt and spent the money that would have gone to school on a house instead.

    One of the things that influenced my decision was that it would be easier to stand out at a school where I was one of the best candidates than be middle of the road at the higher ranked school. Based on job placements that I’ve seen, I’m not sure that is actually that’s true. I’d look into the employment rates and whatever you can find about how firms recruit from each school to help you make your decision.

    • Zelda

      “One of the things that influenced my decision was that it would be easier to stand out at a school where I was one of the best candidates than be middle of the road at the higher ranked school. ”

      OP, I would caution you not to depend on this logic when making a decision. Being a more “qualified” applicant does NOT necessarily translate into being a better law student. There are far more factors that go into being a good law student than undergrad GPA and LSAT.

      In fact, I’d look at it the opposite way and assume you’ll be an average student (because most people are, statistically speaking). Would you have more options as an average student at the higher ranked school, and if so, are those additional options worth the additional cost?

      Also look at the curve of both schools. What is the average that they curve towards? How many outliers are there, both high and low? That’s all useful information in determining how likely you are to have a “good” GPA.

      • Care

        Agreed 100% – that’s what I was trying to say, but not well. Definitely don’t assume you’ll do better at one school compared to another because you don’t know how you’ll actually perform and you don’t know how many people will make a similar decision or will perform significantly better than their statistics indicate. Looking at how the average student does it key, even though it is harder to figure out.

      • Transfer

        Absolutely look at the curve: Law school 1 (that I transferred out of and was ranked lower) curved to a C+ whereas Top 25 curved to a B. What this meant was that I was in the top 10% of my class with under a 3.0 at Law School 1, which I had to explain repeatedly and would have limited my options had I stayed.

        Also, as harsh as it sounds, I agree not to assume that you will rise to the top in law school. It is a totally different game and populated by bright, hardworking people. Consider whether your career prospects as an average student at ND v. average student at U will be better (you are going to a professional school, so having the career you want when you leave should be top priority).

  5. CX

    Ooof. All kinds of sympathy for this. I’m a crazy dog-person and my ex’s dog pushed me over the edge with similar behavioral issues. (In retrospect, I think never being allowed to sleep past 5:30 am, not even if someone got up, took the dog out, and tried to go back to bed, seriously accelerated the demise of that relationship.) A citronella collar made the dog sneeze, but didn’t seem inhumane. A high-pitched sound collar was better at briefly interrupting barking behavior. We tried compression shirts (often sold for thunder-anxiety), my ex’s dirty t-shirts (owner’s smell is supposed to be soothing), benadryl (under a vet’s directed dosage), a foster-dog for company, and finally prescription puppy-prozac stopped the work-day barking… but not the refusal to let us sleep.

    Are there communal telework spaces you can join in your area? Just getting out of the house and being allowed to work without a furry bundle of neediness in your face might help you.

    • cbackson

      I definitely go work at a coffee shop or my office on the weekends sometimes when I need a break from my puppy (because he is 10 months old and is still like, MAMA! YOU’RE HERE! at all times, which is delightful but also exhausting after a while).

      The Thundershirt has been effective with dogs I’ve had in the past, and might be helpful here, and candidly, an anxiety med might be an option as well. A trainer can help navigate some of that.

      • Anonymous

        I can totally relate to the need to escape from the puppy to get work done. We adopted a puppy during my second semester of law school. It was one of the worst decisions we have ever made. The puppy wanted all of our attention all of the time. Whenever I sat down to study or even to eat dinner she would freak out. She wouldn’t go outside on her own, wouldn’t curl up calmly at my feet and hang out like my childhood dog, and would make a racket if we put her in the crate and she knew we were home. Unless she was out on a walk with one of us, she acted like a demon. We ended up spending a lot of money on doggie day care and dog walkers so I could stay at the library and study, and my grades that semester still suffered.

        • CK

          Also, look into the idea of “mat training”. We have used this (at the suggestion of a trainer) to teach our dog to have a “place”. Karen Pryor has some great articles about the idea of mat training your dog. YOu can use a towel, we use a bathmat with a sticky bottom so it doesn’t slide around.

  6. anonymous

    I tried the suggestions I found on the internet for removing detergent stains from my khakis- does anyone know if a dry cleaner can get them out?

    • Aunt Jamesina

      If it’s been through the dryer, you’re almost definitely out of luck. Anything set by heat isn’t likely to go anywhere. If you really want to keep the khakis, the cleaner’s is worth a shot since nothing else seems to have worked, but I wouldn’t count on it.

    • AIMS

      Try washing them again, after a long soak cycle with oxi clean or something similar, and don’t put them in the dryer. I’ve had luck after 2-3 washes.

    • Atxanon

      Try two parts hydrogen peroxide to one part original dawn liquid dishwashing detergent mixed in a spray bottle. I read about this miracle concoction and have found it to be very, very effective at removing stains.

      • anonymous

        Thanks. What do you do with it? Let it soak and then wash in the machine? Or do you scrub it yourself?

  7. Jaded

    Almost all of my peers (we’re all in our mid-20s) in relationships seem to be settling with people that aren’t that great/don’t treat them well and it really saddens me. They confide in me a lot about how unhappy they are behind closed doors but put on a happy face on social media/in public (I get the inkling that they mostly just don’t want to be alone/single again).

    While I don’t want to “borrow trouble” or anything, growing up I didn’t see any positive relationships either so it makes me feel really jaded since I do want a meaningful LTR/family at some point. And before you guys say it, yes, I’m already in therapy. Overall I’ve made a lot of progress on not feeling “doomed”. And otherwise, I’m confident /content with my life and feel pretty good socially/career wise. And dating for me, while fun at times, got exhausting after while so I’m taking a break.

    Overall, I just like to hear from others that perhaps went through the same thing and came out the other side/have insight on staying hopefully/positive.

    • AIMS

      Are you sure they are actually unhappy? Maybe some are, but is it possible they are sharing some of these things with you b/c they either feel like this is what friends do (complain about SOs) or because they are misguidedly trying to not be smug about their happy couple-dom? I’ve known people who do both so just a thought.

      Otherwise, all I can say is that in my early 30s I see both – friends who are in fulfilling supportive LTRs and ones in so-so to semi-toxic ones. It doesn’t meant you can’t have the former. My take away is mostly that it just takes work and luck and to some degree your personality plays a part. But don’t despair – my parents didn’t have a toxic relationship but they got divorced, others in my family stayed married but unhappily, my mom’s second marriage was turbulent at various points, but I’d like to think that it hasn’t prevented me from having a fairly healthy and happy relationship and family of my own. At least so far. Your friends’ and family’s choices dont have to be your choices.

      • CountC

        My friends (mid 30s) complain about their SOs, but say they are happy (and I believe them). People like to complain. I told my best girlfriends that I wanted all of us to make a concerted effort to talk about the positives in our partners versus complaining about them all the time. Perhaps you can make that suggestion to your friends. I explained that it wasn’t fair to their SO as the rest of us were only hearing one side of the story and that I didn’t like our conversations about their SOs to be so negative when overall their SOs were good partners. It was well received among my close friends.

        I’ll also echo what others have said about this being a mid-20s thing. No one I am good friends with today was in a good, healthy relationship in their mid-20s. We were all still trying to figure out who we were and what we wanted and needed in a partner. IMO it’s part of growing up and growing as a person even if it may suck for a little bit.

        • Ellen

          Yay! Fruegel Friday’s ! I Love FRUEGEAL Friday’s and this V neck shirt! But ONLEY for Weekend’s b/c of Frank. But enough about him! FOOEY!

          As for the OP, yes this could be me. In my 20s, I did NOT focus on marrage or a relationship b/c I was to busy with my career, but now that I have a career and am in my MID 30s, I need to find a guy to MARRY me and impreganate me so that I can have KIDS NOW! Most guys just want to have s-x, but there is MORE to life then cleaning up the bed and changeing the sheet’s after thes looser’s leave. I am tired of men staining my sheet’s and urinating on the marbel floor of my batheroom b/f walking out after satisfying themselves. I also have to clean myself up from all of their slobbering. I would NOT mind as much if they were MARRIED to me, and could support my lifestyle but they are NOT. FOOEY!

          Where can I find a guy to MARRY and support me if I let them do this?

    • Aunt Jamesina

      You’re in your mid-twenties. At that age, the vast majority of my friends weren’t dating their now partners or spouses (I’m in my early thirties), and a lot of us made some pretty awful choices in partners. The dust will settle. It’s true that some people will seem to always choose toxic relationships, but I wouldn’t overthink this at this point in your life. The people whom your friends date have NO bearing on your own relationships. Be aware of your own patterns and seek something better for yourself. Be there for your friends, but know that you can’t fix it for them.

      • Monday

        My reaction is similar: I’m 34 now, and not a single one of my close friends is still with the partner they had in their mid-20s. In some cases, this meant divorce. For most of us, it meant we were dating the wrong people for several years, minimized the long-term consequences of those mistakes for the most part, and have since committed to people we met in our late 20s or after. Everyone is expressing contentment, at least to me, and no one who wants kids is finding that time has run out for that.

        I know that some people really do find the right person that young, but I sure wasn’t in a position to do that, and I think it’s a lot rarer than we think at that age. Hence the cliche of the “starter marriage.”

      • Zelda

        +2. I’m in my early 30s now, but most of my peers in my mid-20s (including me, at times) made terrible dating choices at that age. Not necessarily bad people, but people that weren’t good for them.

        There’s so much to be said for maturity leading to better relationships. 30+ me is so much better in relationships than 20-something me was. Most of my friends who met their husbands at a young age had to struggle through that process of maturation together, which definitely had its pros and cons. I cringe thinking of some of the things that certain friends said to their boyfriends back then (who are now happily married to those same boyfriends).

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Anecdotally, this seems common in your mid-20s. In my experience, many, many women grew up with the “married by 30ish” assumption, and around 25 is when, it seems, people start doing the math on what that actually means – in general, it means you have to meet someone, and date them for 1-3 years, and maybe live together for a year or two, then get engaged, then be engaged for 1-2 years, so, from first date to wedding date you’re probably looking at, on average, about 4-6 years of relationship. 25 + 4-6 years means, whoops, you should already be dating the guy you’re going to marry by the time you’re 30 right now, and so people who are already in relationships tend to fall victim to the “sunk cost” fallacy of “I can’t start over now, if I start over now I won’t be married until I’m 35 and that is the worst outcome EVARR!

      Of course, that entire line of thinking is ridiculous, because it’s marriage-as-goal thinking, rather than ideal-partnership-as-goal thinking, and many folks snap out of it by their late 20s/early 30s, but it can be awful to watch while it’s happening. Some of your friends will actually marry their particular terrible dude, and that will be disappointing. Some of your friends will figure it out on their own and move on. Some of your friends will get their hearts broken by their terrible dude, and that will be a new and different kind of h3ll for you to watch them mourn the loss of a relationship that they’re objectively better off without. Regardless, it’s tough to be a bystander to all of this.

      So, a few things you can do in the moment: When your friends are venting to you about their relationships, instead of just egging them on with feedback about how terrible the terrible thing they are describing is, try questions along the lines of “Wow, that sounds rough. What do you think you’d like to do about it? How do you think you’re going to address that with Partner? What do you think you’d do if ::insert behavior being complained about:: doesn’t get better?” If your friend is venting to you because she actually wants to find a solution, it’ll help lead her there, and if your friend is venting just to be a complaint-fountain, she’ll eventually cut back on how much she vents to you because she won’t like being confronted with the fact of her own agency every time she vents. Either way, you’ll feel better.

      Also, if you need to take a break from the “woe is me, my relationship is so bad but I have NO OTHER CHOICE” conversations, tell your friends that! True friends will get it and give you a break, and people who don’t get it are people you can just scale back on contact with, at least until you feel ready to deal with that conversation again.

      • TO Lawyer

        LOL. I’m laughing at the timeline in your first paragraph because I’ve literally had that timeline panic multiple times since 25 (and after every breakup) but being in my late 20s has helped – I’m definitely snapped out of it as I realize that I probably could have been married by now but I can imagine being with anyone of my exes long term.

        • Runner 5

          I realised the other day that as my mum was 24 when she got married, I’m only two years away from hitting that point – and with no man in sight. She had known my dad since she was 14 at that point (he was my dad’s college roommate) but they only got together about a year before they got married.

          • Zelda

            My mom got married when she was 21 and had 4 kids before 30. I’m a decade older than she was when she got married and no husband or kids in sight. Such is life…

      • Anonymous

        I think the 4-6 years timeline is probably overly pessimistic. I met my DH at 24 and got married almost exactly 3 years later. As has been discussed here many times, timelines tend to accelerate the older you are and many of my friends who met people in their late 20s or early 30s married within 1-2 years of the first date. I actually know a lot of people who met people at 28 and 29 and were married by 30. In most cases I think it was natural and not based on an arbitrary timeline. (Although I do know one girl who has been insisting the entire time I’ve known her (since we were 18) that she would be married by her 30th birthday. She met someone a few months after her 29th birthday and they were married the day before her 30th birthday. I don’t give that marriage great odds.)

        • Annie

          +1

          DH and I were engaged within a year of when we started dating, and would have been married 6 months later if not for some unrelated complications that caused us to extend the engagement another year until we moved to the same city. Don’t let the timeline worry get you down! It’s much more important to be patient for the right person!

      • Jitterbug

        And if you’re 25 (or older) and not in that mindset, you’ll probably encounter older people who are, and will try to motivate you to “find yourself a man” before it’s too late! They’ll tell you what websites you must try out, what bars to start going to, give you tips on attracting men, and offer to set you up with people, or encourage you to go out with someone you have no interest in because he likes you and he deserves a chance!

        I once had an ultrasound tech tell me that getting an ovarian cyst was my body’s way of telling me it was time to start having kids, and I’d better get on that because I don’t have forever. I was 24.

    • Anonymous

      My parents divorced after about 15 years, and definitely were the putting a happy face on an empty shell of a marriage types. While I think positive relationship role models are important, I don’t think they’re strictly necessary to have a healthy relationship in the future. IMO, it’s a thought trap to believe you’re doomed, though it’s understandable given how much real estate there is on this topic in media outlets. I’m glad you’re in therapy. FWIW, H’s parents are also divorced (a messy, fairly acrimonious one from the sound of it), so we’re both figuring this out on our own, I guess. We’ve been together 10 years and while we’re stressed about having 3 young children and not as much time for each other as we’d like, and we argue occasionally, “us” is important to us, and we work at it. I don’t feel like our marriage is in danger.

      Your friends’ problems are their problems. It’s hard to see/hear about your friends being unhappy (one of my good friends made terrible choices in partners for years before finally marrying the one nice guy she ever dated), but aside from offering support, you can’t make better choices for them or generalize other people’s poor choices to your own situation. You sound like a thoughtful, intelligent woman. Trust yourself. When you’re ready, you’ll be able to build a healthy relationship.

    • MargaretO

      No advice, just commiseration. I’m the same age and everyone I am friends with is either super single (me) or in relationships that seem to hold them back in life more than anything else. Especially the women. I have so many amazing women in my life who are staying with men who treat them terribly, or who are already letting their male partners goals and needs take major precedence over theirs. It’s just sad. These comments are encouraging – I don’t feel pressed for time at all, my parents very healthy relationship started when they were a bit older and that is the model that seems ‘normal’ to me, but I am sad for my friends and sometimes a little sick of hearing about their issues.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I went through this to some extent and I actually think it helped. I was able to learn vicariously through friends about things that I won’t tolerate in a relationship and get much clearer on what I really wanted. Red flags were much more noticeable when I was dating because I’d seen them objectively through friend’s relationships. I think it saved me from wasting time in certain potential relationships. Instead of feeling doomed can you try looking at it as a chance to learn?

    • Anonymous

      I have 3 people that I went through this with (we’re early 30s now):

      #1- was dating someone clearly not right for her, but unwilling to be single. They dated 6 years and marriage wasn’t really on the table…evenutally they broke up when one took a job elsewhere. Friend became newly single at 30 and felt like she’d wasted her 20s. She’s now living like a 20-something at 35 since she spent most of her 20s in that stupid relationship.

      #2- was dating someone not right for him, but moved mountains to make it work. he changed for her and convinced her it would work. They got married. Then 4 years later they got divorced because she realized people don’t actually change and she was starting to see a coworker. He’s now engaged to someone else, I have no idea what she’s doing.

      #3– When they got married there was a collective “noooooooooo! don’t do it!!!” from our mututal friends. They really don’t seem happy, but have “the life” on facebook. I think they actually *are* happy, but happiness looks different to different people. I think they enjoy constantly draining the joy out of eachother. Ten years and 3 kids later, they are the same as ever but still together.

    • Bonnie

      Relationships are hard and none will be perfect 100% of the time. People tend to complain about the bad times even if they’re generally happy.

    • Newlywed

      I’ll “complain” about my husband to my close friends, but it doesn’t necessarily mean I’m unhappy with my partner. Sometimes you do just need to vent about your SO (my husband is super messy and isn’t the best at managing work stress, both of which will probably never change). I’ve accepted it and I love him nonetheless, but it doesn’t mean I don’t need to whine about what bugs me from time to time.

      I also think it sounds obnoxious to talk about how generous and sweet he is most of the time, especially to my single friends who would like to be in relationships. Obviously, if he does something incredibly nice or special, I’ll share, but I don’t think people really want to hear about the day-to-day kindnesses in our relationship.

      • Anon

        I also complain about my husband, particularly with one friend who complains a lot about her husband. I’m just trying to find common ground and I also don’t want to rub it in how great my husband actually is in comparison to hers (or at least that is how it would feel to me.) I have other people who I talk about how wonderful my husband is and more importantly, I tell him often that I appreciate him and think he is wonderful. We have been married 10 years.

  8. Mpls

    I am a grad of U of M Law School. I graduated in 2008 and don’t actively practice, but that’s more of a reflection on me than the school. I think the recession was rough on the market in the area, but I get the sense that it is recovering. I would really encourage you to talk to the admissions office about your questions on the job market – it will have a little bit of spin, but they should be able to give you some info.

    I don’t think there have necessarily been struggles with enrollment – I know they have specifically chosen to scale back the size of the class, in order to maintain the quality of the student body/rankings. I know there is a perception that means the school is struggling, but it’s a long standing, well-regarded school nationwide and I don’t see that changing anytime soon.

    Let me know if you want to talk more specifics over email/phone.

    • Former Mpls Atty

      It’s a great school, for sure, and I have many friends who went there and have great jobs…in the Midwest.

      I also have many friends who went there and are, over five years later, still struggling to find meaningful employment. The Minneapolis legal job market is vastly oversaturated with new attorneys. In fact, two of the four law schools in the area just merged in response to the overwhelming glut of lawyers with no experience working at Wendy’s. My friends’ reviews of the career services available at UMN were abysmal.

      That said, I worked at a major firm in Mpls for several years and found my HYS degree to be a liability more than an asset. Most of the people who were doing really well were getting a lot of soft help and plum assignments from other graduates of law schools in the area, and there was a perception that ivy-leaguers were snobs (unless you did IP work).

      It is a tough decision, and no debt is nothing to sneeze at. Academically, quality of life-wise, Mpls is an amazing place to live and go to law school. But be aware that the job market is incredibly distorted because there are too many law schools with too many students who want to stay in Minnesota forever. Oddly, you’ll probably have more success job-hunting outside the state. I’m sorry I don’t have a clearer answer. Also happy to talk via email/phone if you would like more context or specifics.

      • Mpls

        Well…the Career Center used to be pretty useless (I’m thinking of the period I was there), but there has been a fair amount of turnover in that area, so I’d like to think it has improved. They were actually helpful when I made I was trying to figure out how to make a switch, about 6 years after graduation.

      • Anonymous

        I went to one of the other Minnesota schools, and I agree with this completely. I don’t think anyone thinks that a U of M student wants to stay in Minnesota, especially if they are not from Minnesota.

        If you do want to stay in Minnesota, I recommend saying it early and often and working your contacts. I get the sense that practitioners and judges want to help the future lawyers of their community but give a side-eye to those they think are resume building before they run off to a larger market with their T20 degree.

        • B

          +1 to your second paragraph. Another UMN graduate here, not from MN originally and I had to work in interviews to sell myself as wanting to stay in the market. The market is still tough, and career services are still fairly abysmal but the worst of the advisors have moved on. My classmates are almost uniformly employed, but those outside the top 30% struggled. I loved the school and the education I received and Minneapolis is a great place to live and practice. As a personal anecdote, I started with middle-of-the-pack scores and did exceptionally well at Minnesota. For me, a big part of that was smaller class/section sizes.

          As for the enrollment struggle, the school intentionally limited the size of their incoming 1L class to maintain the academic profile, and makes up the difference with a much larger transfer and LLM class. The school is well aware of the inputs to the rankings and it was a play to maintain those.

  9. plum

    Just want to say thanks to everyone who commented on my post yesterday morning about my ex-boyfriend saga. Thanks for caring and giving solid advice. I’m saving the messages as I think people said some insightful things that I’ll want to remember. I think whoever suggested a personality disorder might be right (eek). He doesn’t check all the boxes, but certainly some.

    I’m not going to respond to his email…at least for now! Going to go on dates with other men this weekend and keep trying to shake him off.

  10. Perfectionism?

    I’ve always had a problem with perfectionism causing either extreme stress or paralysis, but I’ve made a lot of progress on this in my career and personal life, so it doesn’t impact me much day-to-day. I’m happy, productive and no more stressed out than most people in my role. But, I’ve started taking classes toward another degree for an eventual career shift, and I’m really falling back into it. I lost a point on a recent assignment for what I consider ridiculous reasons but can’t stop thinking about 1) whether I’m wrong about the ridiculousness and therefore not as good at this as I thought and 2) whether the professor thinks I suck and will tell his colleagues and thereby ruin my time in this program and my eventual career shift. I recognize this is irrational, especially given that a single point has no impact on my grade whatever. Does this sound like I should head back to therapy for a touch up? Or can I fix this myself with a good book somehow?

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      +1 to both therapy and also Brene Brown, but also, a former therapist taught me a trick that helped me when I was prone to spiraling out in the way you’re describing.

      As weird as it sounds, lean into your anxiety for a second, and really walk your thought all the way through to its logical conclusion – Okay, so your professor is going to ruin your professional future over one lost point on an exam. Imagine the conversation he has with his colleagues about that – “Hey, Perfectionism? really sucks.” “Does she? How so?” “Well I gave this one exam, and she lost a WHOLE ENTIRE POINT over ::insert thing here::.” “Ummm…. so, she sucks because she got a 99 on one exam? That’s, ummm, yeah. Ok.” And colleague retreats thinking your professor who is trying to ruin you over one point on one exam is a complete nutbar, because that’s a totally irrational thing to do. End scene. So, basically, even if your irrational worst-case scenario is a real thing that actually happens, the end result isn’t “and therefore my entire career shift is ruined,” the end result is “and therefore my professor’s colleagues determine my professor is nuts.”

      Another thing that can help temporarily is thinking about what you’d say to someone you love who came to you with this – imagine your favorite person coming to you and telling you about how s/he lost a point on an exam and believes this means s/he is now bad at her chosen field and is going to be ruined by a professor who apparently runs around ruining people over single points on exams. What would you say to him/her about that? That’s the same level of love and care and rationality you should try to extend to yourself.

      • anon

        My fiancé does this with me and it helps so much. He calls it, “And then what?”

      • CountC

        Yes, when I was working through my extreme perfectionism and the intense pressure I put on myself to meet unrealistic expectations, my therapist continually asked me, “What’s the worst that can happen?” Inevitably, the worst that could happen is that I was disappointed in myself, not that my career would be ruined, or that people would hate me over something incredibly insignificant, or that I would be shunned from society forever, or that people would think I was stupid. None of those things were going to happen.

    • Sarabeth

      Sounds like this was a written assignment that was graded with a rubric? As a professor, rubrics are both useful and also awkward. Sometimes there’s a disconnect between what a strict use of the rubric would suggest as the grade, and my holistic evaluation of an assignment. So I’ll add/subtract a few points from what seems like the most relevant category of the rubric in order to bring those closer in line with each other. In other words, I really would not overthink the “what precisely does this one point off mean” part of it.

  11. Non-fiction

    Hey all, could you recommend some good non-fiction books that you enjoyed recently, and preferably that made you think, changed your worldview, or affected you in some way? I used to read almost exclusively fiction, but I’ve been on a non-fiction kick the past few months and it turns out I really love it (when it’s good). The books I’ve read recently and really enjoyed were Chasing the Scream, Just Mercy, Into Thin Air, Tiny Beautiful Things, 10% Happier, and the Road to Lost Innocence, so more like that would be awesome. Thanks so much!

    • Anonymous

      I enjoyed the Steve Jobs bio and am about to start Jon Krakauer’s Missoula ( I really liked Into Thin Air too).

      • Sydney Bristow

        The Steve Jobs bio was great. The Innovators and the Benjamin Franklin bio, also by Walter Isaacson, are on my to be read shelf.

    • CK

      I just read “The run of his life” – yes, the OJ show/book bandwagon, I know I am late to the party but I was like,8 at the time of the trial so a lot of this is new to me. I really enjoyed the book, not just the material but I found the writing to be great. Also, Going Clear – about Scientology – was fantastic. Excited to hear other recs!

    • Cb

      The life-changing magic of not giving a f… – really good at reminding myself that I don’t need to care about / do everything.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I struggle with finding fiction I like so I wind up reading a ton of nonfiction. Finally something I can offer a ton of recommendations on!

      Mum’s the Word by Eve Branson is one of my favorite autobiographies of the past few years. She’s Richard Branson’s mom and has lived a fascinating life. She inspires me to try and live fearlessly sometimes.

      Leah Remini’s Troublemaker and Jenna Miscavige Hill’s Beyond Belief were interesting accounts of growing up in Scoentology.

      Mastery by Robert Greene, So Good they Can’t Ignore You by Cal Newport, and The Talent Code by Daniel Coyle are great books on developing skills/talents.

      When Breath Becomes Air is a beautifully written book that made me cry.

      Creativity, Inc by Ed Catmull is one of my favorite non-fiction books ever. It’s the story behind Pixar, written by one of the founders who has some really interesting management/leadership/business ideas.

      If you’re interested in hacking, We Are Anonymous by Parmy Olsen was fascinating. It’s a good thing I lived off the last stop on the subway when I read it because I’d get so into it that I would have often missed my stop.

    • 2 Cents

      The Happiness Advantage by Shawn Achor. I got to hear him speak (and he has a Ted Talk), but that book came into my life when I really needed it.

    • Anonymous

      I’m currently reading The Run of His Life, and am also enjoying it. I read the Alexander Hamilton biography by Ron Chernow (which inspired the musical) and found it fascinating, along with Lafayette in the Somewhat United States by Sarah Vowell. In the humor vein, I love “Let’s Pretend This Never Happened” by Jenny Lawson, although that’s more memoir and less informative. I read a little over half of the Glenn Greenwald book about the Snowden issue (No Place to Hide) before it got too bogged down in the details of the many documents leaked by Snowden. I thought The New Jim Crow, by Michelle Alexander, was great if sometimes infuriating.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I’ve started The New Jim Crow and infuriating is a great description.

        Relatedly, Asking for It is an infuriating book about r*pe culture. It wasn’t great, but if anyone is interested in the topic it’s worth checking out.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      “When Women Were Birds” by Terry Tempest Williams, both of the Jenny Lawson memoirs (Let’s Pretend this Never Happened and Furiously Happy – Furiously Happy was, I found, more “educational” in the sense that she spent a lot more time on what it’s like to live with mental illness, but both are great), and Notorious RBG, the Ruth Bader Ginsburg biography. (I always knew RBG as one of the true bada$$es of her generation, but I was surprised by precisely how bada$$ she actually is).

    • Senior Attorney

      I was riveted by Dreamland: The True Tale of America’s Opiate Epidemic by Sam Quinones.

        • lsw

          I was just about to post this! I honestly couldn’t put it down. And I NEVER feel that way about nonfiction.

      • ArenKay

        I liked Dreamland very much. Also second recs for New Jim Crow, Missoula, and anything Jonathan Kozol. Dale Roussakoff’s The Prize, about Newark schools’ failed makeovers, was incredibly well-written and anger-provoking.

    • Maddie Ross

      “The Boys in the Boat” was great and a lighter read than some non-fiction.

    • Anonymous

      Here are some I’ve liked:

      The Boys in the Boat – Daniel James Brown – The 1936 Olympic rowing team that won gold in Germany
      Alexander Hamilton – Ron Chernow
      Under the Banner of Heaven – John Krakauer – It’s about the founding of the Mormon church, and the fundamentalist splinters that have occurred since then.
      The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks – Rebecca Skloot – A black woman in the 1950’s died of cervical cancer, and her cells were cultured, and kept replicating. They’ve been used in all sorts of medical experiments, companies have profited from them, and the family was never notified that they’d be used. It gets into medical ethics, it was super interesting.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I think a movie is being made about Henrietta Lacks. The book is on my list.

    • Mpls

      Emperor of all Maladies – I enjoyed the first half (brief history of all the scientific discoveries/advancements necessary for the study of cancer) more so than the second half (discussion of the genetic side of cancer treatment)

      • health

        I’m in medicine, but even I found this book challenging… but good.

        Atul Gawande’s books, which are a collection of essays that often build on a central question are very interesting and well written. And gripping. Some of them appeared in the New Yorker, so if you are a fan of that, you may like these. He is a physician/surgeon, public health researcher, and a thoughtful and excellent writer.

        My favorites are Complications and more recently, Being Mortal.

      • Anonymous

        I also enjoyed the Emperor of All Maladies, though it is definitely not light reading.

        If you like medical-related nonfiction, some of my other (more readable) favorites: The Great Influenza, about the Spanish flu pandemic during WWI; and The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks, although it will make you angry about the inequality of access to medical care and legal representation.

    • Anonymous

      Something Must Be Done About Prince Edward County. It’s about a county in VA deciding to close the public schools instead of integrating them after the Brown v. Board of education decision.

    • Lindsey

      Nothing to Envy: Ordinary Lives in North Korea is great. I also loved Into Thin Air.

    • CMC

      I just finished Spinster by Kate Bolick, and really enjoyed the mix of personal memoir and general history of single women in America.

      I’m listening to Maya Angelou’s Letter to My Daughter right now and am really liking it as well.

    • Susan

      I recently read “Far From the Tree: Parents, Children and the Search for Identity” by Andrew Solomon and it was one of the best books I’ve ever read (and I am a reader!) and one that moved me profoundly. He talks about identity as being vertical (inherited from your parents – ethnicity, perhaps religion, etc.) and horizontal (that which comes from belonging to a different group than your family … gay, deaf, etc.) and the subsequent chapters explore various horizontal identities … Deaf culture, autisim, dwarfism. I learned so much and I found the chapter about Deaf culture particularly eye-opening (and devastating, learning about how much deaf children can lose by not acquiring language at the right time). The final chapters where Solomon talks about his own journey to parenthood was also an emotional gut punch. It is a hefty tome, but I would recommend this book to anyone, and everyone. And please don’t be put off if you are not a parent, or have no interest in being a parent … it’s really not about the parenting experience, it’s about the individual engagement with issues of identity. This is an amazing book!!

  12. Anonymous

    Have you talked to the other school to see if they’ll match your scholarship offer from Minnesota? I’m guessing it’s Notre Dame based on your description of it feeding into Chicago and having a strong nationwide reputation–I wouldn’t underestimate the power of the ND brand, but I don’t know that I’d pay substantially more for it if you think you’d be happy in Minneapolis. U of MN is more than sufficient name for that market, and Mpls is a phenomenal city to live in.

  13. Transfer

    I cannot speak to the Chicago/Minneapolis dynamic, but I faced a similar decision when applying to law schools and perhaps my story will offer some insight: I’m on the East Coast and was offered a full ride to a lower ranked law school in a nearby state and less money for a Top 25 school in the larger city. I opted to take the full ride. I enjoyed my first year of law school but transferred to that Top 25 school at the end of my first year. In hindsight, I can comfortably say that the education I received my first year paled in comparison to the education I received my last two years. My peers and the professors were of a different caliber and I was challenged more and learned more in that environment. I was allowed to write onto the law review at Top 25 school, so I didn’t really face a penalty for transferring and graduated at the top of my class. I would not have had the same opportunities if I had stayed at my first school (OCI, clerking, biglaw, inhouse). I took on debt by transferring but I do not regret it in the least. I think my career would have gone in a completely different direction had I stayed at law school 1, not necessarily for the worse, but I have loved the opportunities and challenges offered by Top 25 school. Also, law school 1 is not nearly a national name and would have greatly limited my opportunities to move around and I would have largely been confined to that state, whereas with Top 25 school, I could pretty much go anywhere in the country.

  14. anon-oh-no

    as a partner in BigLaw in Chicago who often participates in the hiring process, if the T25 school is U of I, go with Minnesota, as its really not that much of a difference and you’re better off with less debt (I’ve not looked at the rankings recently, but U of I had been around 25 in recent years, it may not still be). These days, we really don’t look at U of I applicants that are outside of about the top 5%. If its NU or U of C, take it. You’re options of going anywhere in the country, but particularly in Chicago, are much, much higher, even if you’re only in the top 20/25%.

    If, as someone suggested above, the T25 school is Notre Dame, that is a different story. My firm in particular, but I think a lot of firms, have a big, big presence at ND. As much as it pains me to say it (not an ND fan), I’d take a full ride there over a partial scholarship at Minn.

    • Blu

      Yes, it is ND, actually. I’ve spoken to them about my scholarship at MN and they said they would see what they can do but I am fairly certain they won’t be able to match MN. I think at best I can hope for 40% tuition scholarship at ND. The full ride is only at MN.

      • Scarlett

        Are the scholarships conditioned on grades? If so, you might want to factor that in and get some information about how realistic they will be to maintain. Remember that all law schools at that level are filled with A students from undergrad so it may not be as easy as you think to get a 3.0. I know a few people who lost scholarships at lower ranked schools than they got into over this issue and ended up with debt in the end. Now, my info is dated so this may not happen anymore, but read the fine print.

      • Annie

        Go to Notre Dame. And enjoy it, drink the kool aid, embrace it. It’s worth it. The ND alumni network is strong and loyal — trust me, I know from experience. I have 3 degrees from 3 schools that are all nationally reputed; ND is the one that comes through for me over and over. (I went there for undergrad.) ND people have helped me out left and right; I do the same for other alums.

        Feel free to be skeptical, but the thing about ND (at least to other Domers), is that it’s not just a school. When I meet someone that went to ND, I know something about their character. I know I can trust them. I know I can get along with them. I know this sounds like a load of bologna, but it is based on my experiences, and I know that other Domers feel the same. And really, that’s what matters! Maybe ND alum aren’t special — but other ND alums sure think they are! And so we become a huge family.

        Of course, it’s about meeting people, working the connections, getting involved in the local ND Club – and Chicago has a great one. But if you do that, the Notre Dame network (which extends to alumni of the undergrad and the law school) will have your back. I did very well in law school and have excellent credentials, but I’ve found that having that alone is not enough — you need to have something extra that will get you noticed for clerkships, law firms, etc. Notre Dame has been that “something extra” for me.

        • Barb

          It’s funny you say that about character because the first thing I associate with that “Catholic” institution is that poor girl who was raped by the football team and bullied into not prosecuting it to save the school’s reputation. And then killed herself.

        • anon-oh-no

          like I said above, I am not a ND fan AT ALL. But I agree with this — go to ND. You will have the best options (probably better than NU even) wherever you go. their network is HUGE and super-loyal.

        • ND '05

          Another vote for ND – I went there for undergrad and the network has been phenomenal, even if you’re not that active in the clubs (but there are definitely tons of opportunities to get involved if you want to, especially in the major Midwestern cities).

          ND alumni are crazy loyal and will almost always help each other out as well – you’ll have a built-in support network that (in my experience) most other schools don’t offer.

          Although the football team will break your heart every season and South Bend isn’t the greatest (especially in the winter), ND’s campus is beautiful and Chicago isn’t far away.

    • ND grad

      For what it’s worth, you can minimize loans at ND by working in the undergrad dorms during law school. The position is called assistant rector. My husband and I both did this and it covered the majority of our expenses.

  15. Client management

    I work in a consulting-type field and am currently dealing with an extremely difficult project contact on the client’s end. The project contact repeatedly fails to deliver promised materials and then claims we never requested them, blames us for not knowing information that it never provided, does not review deliverables in a timely fashion, and is constantly trying to change the project scope. We have bent over backwards to accommodate these requests, yet the project contact seems convinced that we are both unresponsive and incompetent. To make matters worse, the project manager is extremely conflict-averse and gives in to all of the client’s requests, even when they threaten the integrity of the project. The PM also frequently refuses to deal directly with the client, especially on the big issues. I also manage other, similar projects and am perfectly capable of handling all of it, but the client doesn’t know this and feels like the project isn’t a priority for the organization because they are not getting attention from the PM. I also don’t have the authority to address the issues in the way I ordinarily would because I’m not in charge of this project. This is maddening, wastes my time, and makes the client think I am an idiot. Has anyone out there ever been in a similar situation? How can I get the PM to start taking responsibility, communicate directly with the client, insist that the client perform its obligations, and keep the project within scope?

    • Anonymous

      I don’t know your organization, but in my experience sometimes you need to step up and be authoritative even if you don’t “officially” have the authority. By all means, set up a meeting with the pm to talk about the challenges the project faces and draft solutions . See what they say – in my experience, you can detail what you’re going to do and get the pm’s buy-in before seizing the reins. If you can figure out a root of the problem like the PM is too busy, maybe you can offer to take over the role.

      There may also be other ways to get around the issue, by creating some type of project document internally or rules of engagement document with your client to define the scope and responsibilities very rigidly – it works if the pm is very busy or just doesn’t feel like doing things, because they know that they have to deliver these very explicitly defined things.

      • trefoil

        +1 for step up and take the authority if you can, to keep the project on track.

        For the specific problem of not getting follow up/communication problems with the client, we’ve found issue tracking software has been really helpful, especially for people who aren’t on site — “We haven’t received the widget specs.” “You never requested it.” “We opened issue 234 regarding widget specs, assigned it to you on xdate.” We use this rather than a spreadsheet because it allows us to assign issues to other people, ask for clarification or input and escalate to the decision-maker if necessary.

        • Client management

          I am perfectly willing to step up and take the authority, except that the PM gets angry if I make a decision while I am on the phone with the client and will often backtrack, which undermines my authority with the client. For example: client says, let’s add all these features which do not increase the funcitonality. I say, what is your goal in adding these features? Client says, our goal is xyz. I reply, here is how we can achieve most of xyz without adding the features, and here is why adding the features at this late date undermines the primary purpose of the project and is a Very Bad Idea. Client says, OK. PM later calls up the client and says, we are adding all the features you asked for. So client thinks I am some underling who doesn’t know what she’s talking about. Client is also very hierarchical and wants to deal with the official PM. I have tried the “what would PM do” approach with limited success.

          • Client management

            P.S.: I like the idea of a project charter, issue tracking software, etc. to formalize communication re. obligations on both sides. Is this something that can be successfully implemented mid-project?

          • trefoil

            Oh wow. That sounds extra challenging.

            I’m client-side on a project. We started using the tracking software informally as a pinboard with a wishlist early in the project, and switched to using it for tasks/bugs/business requests/clarifications midway through, so it’s definitely possible to implement mid-project. One of the issues we’ve run into is spending too much time making tracking documents perfect rather than working on the project itself because it can feel like we’re stalled. If you use it going forward rather than trying to recreate the past, it’s totally worth it for accountability and to keep from losing track of the purpose of the features.

      • Client management

        I think the root of the problem is that PM doesn’t like client yelling at him, so he delegates those communications to me.

        • Client management

          But he is also a control freak and doesn’t want anyone else to make decisions.

  16. Anon MN

    I’m a pretty recent U of MN grad now working on the east coast. U of MN has a strong reputation in the Midwest, and the career center is actively trying to reach out to Chicago and WI firms more strongly. The career center has has turnover in the last couple of years and the current leadership there is great. The school has been limiting their class size in the last few years and I think the smaller size is permanent – not an enrollment issue. I would recommend talking to them and to admissions.

    I have a co-worker who went to ND and loved it. ND has more networking events in our east coast city than MN does, but I think they are general (not specifically law, which MN’s are) and it’s hard to tell which degree is more valuable in the long run. I’m glad I lived in Mpls for 3 years – it’s a wonderful city I’m considering returning to.

  17. Kauai /mosquito recs

    Hello, going to Kauai later this month.
    1. Any recs for activities and good eats? We will hike the Napali trail, would love to find horseback riding options & good snorkeling. Looking for recs for local eateries including fish markets/shrimp trucks. Prefer not to eat Bubba’s Burgers too often.
    2. I am mosquito bite prone. Will take Deet. Any recs re avoiding bites?

    Thanks in advance!!

    • Care

      Have you seen this? I haven’t done it (or researched it much yet), but someone shared a video from it on FB and I was intrigued enough to save it in a “future trips” folder. It looks like a ton of fun to me – and like something completely different! http://kauaibackcountry.com/tubing/

    • Anonymous

      Helicopter tour!!! They’re popping up all over the place now, but I think Kauai is the place where the cost and safety risk are most worth it. It’s a really hard island to see on foot and by car and the aerial views of the Na Pali coast are absolutely incredible.
      Also really enjoyed ziplining. I haven’t done it anywhere else but Kauai’s kind of jungle-y so it seems like a great ziplining place.
      If you can’t afford/don’t want to do the helicopter tour, definitely do a Na Pali coast boat tour – we went in winter and our boat tour was cancelled several times which was a disappointment. The photos I’ve seen are stunning.
      Snorkeling – Poipu Beach, Hideaways Beach, Tunnels Beach but keep your expectations low: snorkeling on Kauai is probably the worst of the major Hawaiian islands. Big Island and Maui are definitely much better. Shipwreck Beach is a good place to go for a chance of seeing endangered monk seals (on the beach, not in the water)
      I love La Spezia in Koloa for food; we went for both brunch and dinner which is rare for me on vacation but food is excellent and prices are reasonable (for Hawaii). Enjoyed Lappert’s but thought it was a little over-hyped.
      Re: mosquitos, they shouldn’t be a problem when your’e on the beach because of the breeze. I’d apply bug spray when hiking, keep the doors and windows shut in your accommodations, and avoid being out at dusk and dawn. But bites aren’t that big a deal in Hawaii – it’s not like you could get malaria or dengue fever – and with a bug spray with Deet you shouldn’t really have any problems.

    • Kauai

      Just got back from Kauai. What trail on the Na Pali coast are you hiking? This needs to be researched thoroughly as a popular hike is 11 miles one-way and would involve camping overnight (hiking in supplies, etc.). You will be absolutely covered in mud (like up to your knees do not bring sneakers that you want to look nice after.

      Highly recommend a catamaran tour with Hola Hola, saw ~50 spinner dolphins, turtles and tons of fish as well as the Na Pali coast from the ocean. Driving and walking around Waimea Canyon was great.

      Eateries are completely dependent on which town you want to be in, it’s Hawaii so I’m pretty sure fish and veggies will be delicious regardless.

      • Kauai

        Also adding that I am seriously bug bite prone and I was generally unscathed barring a handful of itchy, small bites on my back. I didn’t use any bug spray, including on very long hikes. For me, this was manageable and not totally surprising.

  18. Honeymoon in Brazil!

    One of my good friends is getting married and taking a honeymoon to Brazil in the fall. I bought her the suitcase off her registry, but I thought it might be fun to fill it with some good travel stuff. Any suggestions? I was thinking one of those travel neck pillows, sleep mask, ear plugs, maybe a travel guide or two? Thanks!

    • Anonymous

      I often use the Clinque moisture surge mask when I fly. I bet if you do some searching, you can find a similar mask that mentions airplane in the title. Another thing you may add are those little disposable Colgate wisp toothbrushes.

    • lsw

      Love this idea. Dual sleep masks and ear plugs for sure. Maybe a bottle of sunscreen – not like they will forget it, but sometimes you need more than you think. A few magazines for the plane? A water bottle?

    • Zelda

      My travel favs (especially for long flights) include sheet masks (super convenient for travel), a pashmina (I use it as a blanket on the plane), evian spray or a some type of moisture mist (spray, then apply moisturizer to prevent my skin from drying out on long flights), wet wipes and/or makeup removing wipes, and slipper socks. A nice travel wallet that has spaces for her ticket and passport is also a good option. I find I use that more than a simple passport cover.

      I personally prefer kindle/electronic versions of guidebooks because it’s more portable and a paper guidebook is a clear indicator that you’re a tourist.

  19. AnonFET

    Ladies who had a Frozen embryo transfer – how many days did you stay home afterwards? Did you really stay in bed/on the couch the whole time? Did you do anything outside the house? I am planning on taking the week off of work. Thanks!

    • FET

      I had two FET, got pregnant with both. My doctor only recommends 24 hours of couch rest, not strict bed rest. I did walk around some, but I also took it easy. They told me most important thing was to avoid stairs. I didn’t run/exercise more than walking until after the 2WW, but it was allowed.
      I would suggest not taking the week off (unless you have a really physically demanding job). I found it was easier to stay busy and less obsessed with wondering about the results while at work.

  20. NotMakingBabies

    Well, I’ve been engaged less than a month and have already gotten questions about my “timeline” for “having babies” since I’m “getting up there” (when did 30 become old?!) … I was not prepared for this. It was particularly awkward since we are not planning on having children, but by no means was that a discussion I was interested in having. I was so surprised that all I could stutter out was, “WOW! That is incredibly personal …” and abruptly changed the subject. Tips on how to handle it gracefully?

    • Anonymous

      I would just laugh and say something like “Can’t you let me get through the wedding first?” So annoying. I’m getting those kind of comments all the time now as a married 31 year-old, but it’s crazy that they won’t let you even enjoy being engaged and wedding planning without skipping ahead to BABIES BABIES BABIES.

    • Anonymous

      “Well, I figured I’d have a baby about 9 months after I got pregnant. Otherwise Id rather not discuss my s*x life, thanks.”

    • Susan

      So sorry you’re dealing with this. It’s maddening how people try to rush things along … you’re engaged and all anyone wants to know is, “When’s the wedding?” You’re still at the wedding reception and people want to know, “When are you having babies?” I’m not excusing the behavior at all but it may help to try and remember that *most* people aren’t trying to be rude, they’re just trying to make conversation and doing it incredibly poorly. From my observation, you can handle it gracefully but the other person usually won’t let you. So you could try the socially adept strategy, but you might be better off just saying, “Nope!” and walking away immediately. And don’t bother trying to tell people you’re not going to have babies … they’ll just try to talk you out of it. People are the worst sometimes!

      • Anonymous

        “When’s the wedding” is just a polite way to show interest when someone announces an engagement, because it’s assumed that if you are engaged you are planning to get married. “When are you having babies” is a whole different question.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      It sounds like you’re already handling it gracefully. “Wow, that’s personal” + subject change is basically the standard-issue recommended response to those types of questions from the advice columns that I read.

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