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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 230 Comments · by

Coffee Break: Upright Sterling Ankle Boot

Coffee Break |

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vionic-bootiesHuh: I've heard a lot of great things about VIONIC shoes over the past few years — particularly the boots! — and these may be the boots that get me to pull the trigger. I like the slight sheen to the weather-proof suede, the tassel pull on the zipper, and the 2″ heel. They're hiiiiiiighly rated over at Zappos, available in three shades, sizes 5-11 in medium and wide. VIONIC Upright Sterling Ankle Boot (L-all)

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

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Comments

  1. California doc

    Favorite drugstore mascara? No clumps, waterproof. Just to clean up and separate lashes for work.

    • Cat

      Maybelline Define-a-lash. (FWIW, I tried the classic Maybelline and hated it — but have loved this one for years.)

    • Newbie Associate

      Covergirl Lashblast has been really good to me for the eight or so years (or however long it’s been out).

    • Libby

      I really like Rimmel WonderLash. Almost everything clumps or smears for me, but this really lasts all day.

    • Anonymous

      covergirl lashblast for when I want my lashes to look really good, maybeline great lash when I want them to be a little more subtle.

    • C. Ham

      Most of the Maybelline ones. My favorites are the Colossal Cat Eye and the Mega Plush (which has a bendy wand that takes some getting used to, but I loved the formula).

    • Anon

      L’Oreal Voluminous Million Lashes (gold tube). I love the way it separates my lashes.

      • C. Ham

        I’ll have to try this – I tried the original Voluminous and hated how it smudged everywhere.

        • Anon

          Yes, I hated the original, too! I can’t speak for the formula, but the brush makes a big difference for me.

    • LaJen

      My new favorite is the waterproof Neutrogena Healthy Volume–it’s like Diorshow, but with fewer clumps. LOVE.

    • Fishie

      Lash stiletto by Maybelline. I was having a lot of smudge problems with volumizing mascara. I switched to stiletto which is marketed as lengthening rather than volumizing, and no more smudges. I use both regular and waterproof and I am happy with both types. Less clumping, few flakes unless I am touching my face a lot throughout the day. Non waterproof washes off easily.

      • CountC

        I came back to suggest ELF for those who care about CF. I use the waterproof one and it works well for me. No clumping, no flaking, and no smudging!

  2. Cat

    So JCrew must be in the process of redoing their webs!te and I hate it — the sale section used to super easy to navigate by category, and now you have to click to a whole separate page to “filter” results. Boo.

  3. ParentMoney

    Does anyone else find it sort of icky when grown adults take their parents money? I live in a medium cost of living large city (over a million people). But a working professional can certainly afford their own downpayment. It just seems sort of like cheating. You look like an adult but you don’t pay your own bills.

    • Anonymous

      I think it depends on the amount. I don’t really see a small amount gifted to help with a down payment as being significantly different than parents gifting their children a wedding or a vacation, which many of my friends (who are independent and pay their own bills) still receive from their parents. But if a parent is paying (as opposed to loaning), half or more of the down payment, then yeah I kind of judge.

      • Runner 5

        What about gifting a down payment in exchange for a share in the property? Icky or an acceptable way to get onto the greasy ladder?

    • anonymous

      I don’t find it icky and may be biased. In my case it’s a family tradition. My parents (and my mom’s siblings) got help with their downpayment over 40 years ago and my mom’s parents got help over 60 years ago from their parents. It may go back even farther than that from generation to generation. I know I’m privileged as were my parents and hope to pay it forward someday.

      • ParentMoney

        I should also have mentioned that my parents certainly can afford to pay for my down payment. They often pay for my siblings trips etc, I just don’t accept their money like sibling does.

        • TBK

          So you’re judging your sibling. I suspect this is about more than just a gift of a down payment. It seems like your parents can afford it and have made similar offers to you, so what’s the harm?

          • ParentMoney

            Idk I also judge my friends who don’t pay their own rent. It’s about not growing up and being a child and not taking care of yourself.

      • Wildkitten

        I don’t usually find it icky but I find referring to having enough privilege to pass wealth from generation to generation as a “family tradition” to be icky.

        • Anonymous

          This is unnecessarily snide, WK. She said she recognizes her privilege. And it isn’t really passing money down, if the parents got helped by the grandparents on their own down payment. It’s really just shifting who pays for whatand kids staying under the parents financial support for longer than in other families/cultures. fwiw, the parents buying the kids first house is super common in Asian cultures (but that means the parents didn’t buy their own first houses, their parents did). I don’t see a huge difference between this and the parents paying for college/grad school (which is common and socially acceptable in the US), except the timing of when the kids are cut off.

          • Wildkitten

            I’m not being snide. I’m not being indirect. I think that is an icky way to refer to it. I don’t know why I find that ickier than other privileged family traditions like summering at Martha’s Vineyard, but I find that phrasing to be icky.

          • Anonymous

            Well considering this is especially common in certain non-white cultures, saying it’s “icky” to refer to this practice as a family tradition is a little bit racist.

          • Wildkitten

            Sure. I’d never heard of that before, but I’ll take that criticism as valid.

          • Wildkitten

            It’s certainly direct. But saying it’s a family tradition to be rich enough to gift each child a house? There are lot of government programs (like the GI bill) that allowed certain people to grow wealth and other people to not. I feel like calling being rich generation after generation a “family tradition” is a little gross.

          • Anonymous

            What’s she supposed to say to please you? We’ve been wealthy forever so this is how we do? She literally acknowledged her privilege in the post.

          • Wildkitten

            Not call being rich a “family tradition”? That’s the part I found icky.

    • TBK

      Nope. Not unless the child is exerting some sort of pressure on the parent, and assuming the parent can afford it. Why does it matter where the money came from? If the parents gave the child a lump sum gift, say on the child’s 21st birthday, would that be icky to you? What if the parents paid for the child’s law school? What’s the difference? If a parent had three children and gave one a git of $150k outright on the child’s 21st birthday, paid $150k in tuition for another child’s law school, and gave the last child $150k as a down payment on a house, would those all be icky?

      • TBK

        I guess $150k would be a big down payment. Too much time living in DC. So let’s say $50k to each child.

        • Anonymous

          I actually know two brothers whose parents gave them large cash gifts for high school graduation. At 18, each got $30k cash, with the idea that it would be used to pay for college but with no specific requirement that it be used for that. One went to college, and the other didn’t.

          Sometimes parents give their children gifts and the children are responsible with them, and sometimes they’re not. It’s not the fact of the gift that makes the receiver irresponsible.

    • Baconpancakes

      Depends on the situation. If an adult without extenuating circumstances is taking money to facilitate a lifestyle they otherwise can’t afford, it’s not super cool. If an adult is gifted a down payment, partial or whole, without asking for it, that would allow them to purchase a home and build equity instead of paying rent, or allow them to buy with more down and thus a notably lowered interest rate, I think it’s fine.

      The only time I’m really really opposed to it is when the parents can’t really afford the gift, but the child accepts it anyway. That’s not ok.

    • anon

      I’m less bothered by one-time payments than by ongoing support. I mean, inheritance is a lump sum payment too, right? Helping a kid with a down payment or a wedding imho makes a lot more sense than putting that money aside for them until you die, assuming you can afford it.

      But I don’t like it when parents pay for their adult, work professional child’s ongoing expenses. I have a surprising number of friends who are still on their parents’ cell phone plan/car insurance, or whose parents pay part of their rent or their utility bill or some other hefty monthly expense. The kid needs to learn to live within their means, not be an ongoing burden to parents who are getting ready for retirement.

      • Anonymous

        I’m pretty sure an adult with a job can afford her own cell phone bill — but for a lot of families that have been on a family plan for a really long time, the bill is so much cheaper with more people on it that it would be silly to cancel the family plan just to stop any form of “ongoing support”. The same is often true for car insurance.

        My cell phone bill with T-Mobil was $60 a month including taxes, until I switched to GoogleFi recently, and now it’s $45. Come on, that’s not “ongoing support” and if my parents were paying it that wouldn’t mean I wasn’t “living within my means.”

        • Anonymous

          +1 my husband still shares a plan with his mom and brother, mostly to subsidize his brother (who is still in college). I think it’s a little silly but I get that it’s much cheaper for them to share than for them each to get their own plan.

          • Anonymous

            100% it is cheaper for everyone to share a plan. That is why as a working professional I write a check to my parents every month for my portion of the family plan, and my brother writes a lump sum check every 6 months. The $40 a month cell phone plan is 100% ongoing support.

            I don’t see an issue with wedding or down-payment help (although the later would sort of make me side eye because unless every sibling is given the same amount, you are talking away from the other siblings’ potential inheritance), but nothing grinds my gears more than people more than a year or two our of school who are still taking money for monthly expenses.

            If you have a new phone and a data heavy family plan, your parents could be essentially gifting you $1000 a year. That isn’t a small chunk of change for an ongoing yearly expense. I know a guy who is 30, has been married for 7 years, and his parents still buy his cell phones and pay for the plan every month. Similarly I have a friend who’s parents are still paying for her car insurance 8 years out of school AND is on the family plan despite the her company giving her a cell phone stipend every month.

          • Anonymous

            A third/fourth line is usually much cheaper than the first two lines. If both parents have cell phones and they don’t have anyone else to share a plan with besides their adult children, there is no way the kids are each adding $1000 a year to their phone bill.

        • anon

          Then pay them back? I get that maybe it’s more cost effective for everyone to be on the same plan. I don’t get why people are cool with taking $50/mo from their parents like it’s nbd.

          • Anonymous

            That’s my point — it isn’t a big deal. It’s not “like” it’s nbd, it actually isn’t.

            I pay my own cell phone bill, but to act like it would make any measurable difference in my finances or theirs if my parents paid it instead is just nonsense.

          • emeralds

            Yeah, I don’t get the vitriol here. I’m on a family member’s cell plan and they very generously don’t charge me for it. They have no kids and I’m the surrogate daughter. They’re wealthy, it’s a drop in the bucket to them, and they’ve said it makes them happy that it’s one less thing for me to worry about. If they asked me to pay them I’d do it in a second and I could certainly afford it on my own if I needed to. Idk, in my family it’s pretty normal to support each other in small but helpful ways?

          • Anonymous

            It isn’t a big deal? My parents can easily afford it and like doing something to help me out. My mother was orphaned as a child, my dad grew up in poverty. There was never anyone to lend them a hand or be generous. They can afford to be, and they are proud, and I am grateful. Not sure why my happy family dynamic would be of any concern to you.

          • AIMS

            I am not on my mom’s cell phone plan, but if I were, she would not accept the money if I tried to pay her back and she would think I was foolish if I wanted to switch and pay more just to pay on my own. I don’t actually get subsidized but occasionally she will buy me stuff her favorite coffee at Costco, etc. If I tried to give her $40 for the cheese and coffee, she would be insulted.

            Mr. AIMS recently had this issue come up when we drove his parents’ car back from a family weekend. His dad insisted on giving him $50 for gas (like, literally threw it into the car as we were driving away) and then got offended when we brought the car back with a full tank of gas (“That’s not why I gave you the money!”).

            Anyway, I think every family gets to set their own rules.

          • Winter

            Because it is no. big. deal.. Parents generally like to help their children. Some parents like to help with $50, some with $50k, some with stern words of advice to figure it out yourself. So what.

        • Gail the Goldfish

          My brother and I are still on our parents’ cell phone plan that we’ve been on since high school. We could certainly afford to be on our own, but it’s collectively cheaper, and we’re all just too lazy to switch it anyway. So continuing to be on the cell phone plan is our birthday present every year. It works out. Plus I haven’t had to change my number in 15 years. I’ve had like 12 different addresses, but that phone number is reliable.

          • Anonymous

            +1 I’m still on my parents phone plan (I don’t pay them back) and I’m in my mid-30s with kids of my own. This money makes no difference to my parents and they’re happy to give me this gift – why is it a big deal? I could reimburse them at any time if they ever started asking for it. My share of the phone bill is about $20 a month. I don’t see why this is any different than parents giving their kid a couple hundred dollars worth of physical gifts throughout the year, which is something many well-off people do.

          • rosie

            You should be able to move the number to a different carrier or plan. (I’m not judging you at all for being on the plan, just want to make sure you know you’re not beholden to it if you did want to switch for whatever reason down the road.)

          • cbackson

            FYI, you can change plans/carriers and keep your number (just in case you ever want to move).

        • Jitterbug

          Yup, I’m still on my parents’ family plan, and I was on the family health insurance until I turned 26. It pays to have a younger sibling who’s still in college! My mom’s fine with it, it seems silly to insist on breaking off and getting my own just to prove something to a bunch of judgmental strangers.

          But I wish my sister would stop burning through the shared data -_-

    • Anonymous

      Meh. I’m a grown adult and we took my parents money to buy our house, because they offered us an interest rate that was significantly better than what we could get from a bank. It would have just been throwing away money not to take them up on their offer. We mail them a check each month, have a signed loan agreement and my parents pay taxes on the interest income so it was very much not a gift. But – full disclosure – if they had offered to just give us the money as a gift, we would almost certainly have accepted it, even though we make plenty of money and can very much afford to buy our own house. Unless you have a relationship with your parents such that money always comes with strings attached (I’m thinking of something like Gilmore Girls) it seems silly to turn down a generous gift that will give you financial freedom to retire early or travel or do whatever else you want with your own money.

    • oh please.

      Oh good god.

      “But a working professional can certainly afford their own downpayment.”

      How on earth do you know that? You don’t.

      “It just seems sort of like cheating.”

      Except that it’s not because it there is no game, no one’s breaking or bending any rules, and you are not actually being harmed.

      My parents don’t give me money. Many of my classmates at my private law school had their educations fully funded and are now making fancy lawyer salaries. It would be so wonderful if we could all have those economic advantages. But we can’t. It would be great if that was my situation, too, but I don’t begrudge other people the help their families give them. You should consider getting a hobby or something to divert your mental energy.

      I’d only judge someone who got family money if that person pretended her wealth was solely the result of her hard work and frugality. Because that’s lying, which is judge-worthy. Or if that person was entitled. Because entitlement is judge-worthy.

      • Anonymous

        Exactly. What are you cheating at? ParentMoney’s own personal game?

        I can afford my life just fine. I could have paid off all my own loans. But people wanted to help, so I let them.

    • Anonymous

      Nope. My parents worked hard for their money and like sharing. I hope to be so fortunate as to be able to do the same for mine. I am an adult, I do pay my own bills, my parents paying off 10k of student loans for me is no different than my grandfather leaving me 40k in his will to do the same. You sound jealous and bitter and it makes no sense to me. I don’t run around bragging, but I don’t think it’s shameful or juvenile to accept a gift lovingly given.

      • Anon For This

        +1 – my parents take great pride in being able to give my sister and I gifts, including paying for our education, and a downpayment (in my case). My parents were actually offended when I tried to give them money back because they work hard, and they’re doing well, and set for retirement, and want to be able to share that with their kids.

        • Anonymous

          Same. My parents are very well off and they want to give away a large portion of their money while they’re alive. Some to charity, some to me and my sibling. It makes them so happy to be able to do this and helps us kids out a lot. Seems like a win-win all around.

    • Sydney Bristow

      No. I think like anything, it depends on how the people act. I know someone with a trust fund who is the most humble, down to earth person you can imagine and who is truly thankful for the money and understands what a privilege it is to have that. But I can see how someone could act really poorly and that would be annoying. But it has nothing to do with the money.

      • anon

        I have an acquaintance whose parents pay for lavish vacations for the whole family. The parents love to travel and they want to spend time with their kids, so they pay for the adult children and their families to go on vacation with them. Which makes sense. The parents can’t demand that their children must cough up money for a vacation they can’t afford.

        But this acquaintance is so obnoxious about it. She’s constantly bragging about her extensive world travels. She’s borderline condescending when she learns that someone has never been to Europe. “Omg how is that possible??? I’ve been 17 times!!! LOL.” She’s never taken more than a weekend trip on her own dime, and she probably never will because she chose a pretty low-paying career (yet people who can’t pay for their kids’ education, travel, etc. are irresponsible – uhhh you realize you won’t be able to pay for any of that with your career right?). It’s one thing to accept the awesome benefits of having rich parents. It’s another to be incredibly out of touch with what a privilege it is to have parents like that.

        • anon8

          My parent’s invite (and pay) for me and my husband to vacation with them. They enjoy our company and they are getting a bit older so I think they enjoy having us along to help.

          My husband comes from a different background and gets uncomfortable sometimes with them paying for things like this. I tell him that they can do it because they can afford it and they truly want us to spend time together. I totally get that it’s a privilege and I hope I’m in a position to be as generous as them some day.

          • Anonymous

            Mine do too. I’m a little embarrassed about it, but the reality is that although my husband and I work hard and enjoy traveling, we can’t travel the way my parents do (first class plane tickets, luxury hotels, incredibly exotic and expensive destinations every year). So I tell myself that letting them pay for it is justified, because we wouldn’t be able to join them if they didn’t pay and they want the pleasure of our company. But I’m not super open with people about the fact that they pay, because I know there are many who would judge (but I also try not to brag about the travel and when I do talk about my trips, I focus on the destination/what we saw and ate and I don’t mention that we flew first class and stayed super expensive hotels).

        • Sydney Bristow

          My parents pay for a vacation for my entire family and significant others about every other year. I have a giant family so this is really costly even though it isn’t something like a trip to Europe. Other than all you anonymous people, my family, and my husband, nobody knows that. It is the kind of trip that we can pay for ourselves although some of my siblings can’t… and we have actually tried to convince my parents to let us chip in but they refuse. I’m super grateful for the time that we get to spend together on these trips and my parents continue to do it because they love it and can afford it.

          I think keeping in touch with what is “normal” in someone else’s life is key. It may be normal for her to go to Europe 17 times so far, but she should realize that isn’t normal for everyone. And not be obnoxious about it.

        • the gold digger

          It’s another to be incredibly out of touch with what a privilege it is to have parents like that.

          This. The friend’s daughter who didn’t understand why I wouldn’t/couldn’t spend $150 on a pair of jeans because OMIGOSH THEY ARE THE BEST JEANS EVER!

          More power to her for not having to pay for her own college, rent, etc. But don’t be all confused about why everyone wouldn’t be able to do that.

          • Suburban

            This is the second time you brought this up today. And iirc you’re the one who commented on the woman’s jeans in the first place. In her defense, she was probably justifying them as a relative splurge in her wordrobe. Let it go.

    • anon in SV

      The part I find icky is my own surge of jealousy in response. Life is not fair, anon on SV. Get over it. No point in being jealous of those whose parents can afford to do it and who are willing to do it. Yours are neither. Life isn’t fair.

      • C. Ham

        +1 on the jealousy comment. I, a grown adult, actually loaned my dad money just the other day. I would LOVE if my parents were financially able (and willing) to do something big for me like help with a down payment, but they’re not, and that’s fine. Other people’s parents are, and that’s fine too! I have to keep my kneejerk reactions to that kind of thing in check and remind myself that how other people spend their money really isn’t any of my business.

        • Victory Counsel

          Funny story:

          I was on vacation with my dad, and we were on a small group tour with two middle-aged couples. On the first day, they were being judge-y about Dad being a retired public school teacher including snarky comments about his “gold plated pension”.

          Later, over lunch, it came out in conversation that the two older couples were paying for their adult children (mid-twenties) to join them on the trip but weren’t spending any time with dear old Mom and Dad. So their plan was to go to the most expensive restaurant on the island for dinner as enticement for their kids to join them for dinner.

          I turned to my dad and said “What do they mean, PARENTS pay for dinner on vacation? Here I am buying dinner every night is because I lose at cribbage every afternoon!”

        • emeralds

          In an interesting twist, I have both “mooched” off my godmom’s cell phone plan AND lent my dad money to save him from foreclosure.

      • Anonymous

        Agree. It would be nice, but it also helps to remember that I am also more fortunate than most people in the world. I’m sure there are millions of women who would kill to be any of us.

    • Anonymous

      To me, it depends a lot on the parents’ financial circumstances. Letting your parents give you a gift that is a drop in the bucket for them and does not change their lifestyle in any meaningful way is totally fine. Accepting a significant monetary gift from your parents when you know they are scrimping and saving and depriving themselves of things they want in order to do so is selfish. But if the parents can easily afford it, I don’t see why it makes you a bad person to accept a financial gift, even a significant one.

      • JTX

        +1

        I know people with very wealthy parents who give annual monetary gifts as a form of estate planning. I’m not a tax lawyer so I don’t necessarily understand the implications, but if the parents are ultimately planning on passing that money down, what’s the harm in doing it while they’re alive?

      • the gold digger

        I stopped cashing the $25 birthday checks my grandmother used to send me when I was in college and realized how much of a sacrifice it was for my retired farmer grandparents. There are 20 grandkids on that side and she was doing it for everyone. I didn’t want my grandparents to scrimp on heat or food just so they could send me a birthday present.

        However, had my husband’s parents, who had enough money to leave an estate of $1.5 MM (from which my husband was disinherited – their money, their choice, but if you disinherit someone, don’t make him the executor – that’s just tacky), ever offered us cash, I would have taken it, just because I got so sick of our spending the money to fly there and rent a car and do all their damn chores that they wouldn’t hire help to do.

        Except surely there would have been strings attached, so no, I guess I would not have taken it.

        • TBK

          Except that sometimes it’s important to people’s dignity for them to be the giver. I did an internship abroad in a culture where it’s the prerogative of the “big man” in the community to give money to help others (always reminded me of the opening wedding scene in the Godfather). Being the giver is a position of power and sometimes it’s worth it to people to scrimp and save to be able to say “I’m successful enough to give gifts to all my grandchildren.”

        • Anonymous

          Really? You spent money to fly in to do chores when they could have afforded help? Don’t blame people for wiping their feet when you make yourself a doormat.

    • Jitterbug

      It’s not a lifestyle I’m familiar with, but no, I see no reason to judge. If a wealthy, middle aged couple wants to help subsidize their adult children’s lifestyles, does that really hurt you?

      It’s okay to be a little envious when someone gets something you want, especially when it looks like it was just handed to them while you busted your bum and still couldn’t come close. Don’t let envy lead to resentment, that’s just ugly.

    • Anonymous

      I just feel a little jealous is all. My mother could and would help me out, but it would come with strings attached and control/guilt/manipulation that I just don’t need. So instead I live in a modest house, drive an older car, and send my kids to public school (though we did chose our house because it is in a great school district.), and take simple beach vacations instead of some place more exotic. However, if my mother did give me money without all the manipulation attached, I would be all over that! Not because I am not an adult, but because it would mean we could make upgrades, etc.

    • anon8

      My parent’s gave us 50K for our house down payment. They also paid for my brother’s law school tuition at an Ivy League law school.

      My parents are very generous and their gifts of money never feel like they have ownership over us. I also come from an Asian culture and I think giving money to adult children might be more acceptable than in American culture.

    • CHJ

      I have struggled with the feelings of jealousy you are describing, because I live in a HCOL area and many of my friends have received large gifts from their families to buy houses, and my parents/in-laws are middle class people in LCOL areas who don’t have the resources to help like that. So yeah, I feel jealous that I had to save for a down payment from scratch and others did not.

      But that kind of jealousy doesn’t do any good and will ultimately make you (and only you!) feel bad about your life. There’s no scarcity of happiness – just because someone else bought a bigger house with help doesn’t mean you can’t love your house. And big houses come with downsides too – higher utilities, higher taxes, higher maintenance costs. Focus on what you like about your life and your choices and don’t waste time feeling “icky” that other people are living a different life.

      • ParentMoney

        Did you read my posts at all? I’ve turned down money from my parents. It’s not jealousy at all. I could take their money easy peasy. But I choose to be independent and pay my own way

        • Anonymous

          Oh my lord. Accepting a gift from generous people who can afford to make such a gift is not choosing not to be independent. You can make your own money, pay your own bills, live within your means, and still accept a generous gift from a friend or family member.

        • Jitterbug

          So you turned down money you were offered and you’re being nasty about people who accept it? My goodness, the SIZE of your high horse . . .

        • CPA Lady

          It sounds like you are unhappy with not being recognized for being independent. This is something a good friend of mine would do. Refuse to take money and then judge people who do take it. I think he thinks its some kind of principle/ethical/taking a stand! thing, but it sometimes turns into what looks like cranky martyrdom from my perspective. I think you need to figure out why you are turning down the money and what you think that says about you and what you expect to come out of it. If it’s something like “I really value independence”, then keep your focus on that and think about how great it is that you know you can make it on your own. Other people value other things and that’s okay and it doesn’t make them better or worse or less mature than you.

          I am an independent person, I value financial independence greatly, and was never supported by my parents after I graduated from college. But there have been times in my adult life where my mother has paid for things to keep me from taking out a loan (when I went back to school after college to get my additional accounting classes). And now she’s retired and money is a little bit tighter for her, and I’m paying for her cell phone and phone bill each month. She didn’t mind then and I don’t mind now.

          I figure it all comes out even in the end when the people involved have good intentions. Either in a quid pro quo way or in a pay it forward to the next generation way. It all works out.

        • CountC

          Eyeroll.

          Good for you. Doesn’t make anyone who accepts monetary gifts from parents who can afford it some puppy-kicking monster.

        • oh please.

          You also chose, stupidly, to assume that everyone who is working a professional job can “certainly” afford their own down payment (or substitute anything else- rent, education, car payment) in your fairly large city. Sometimes people have student loans. Sometimes people have medical debt. Sometimes people have lower paying jobs despite having multiple degrees. Sometimes families come together and decide that it’s the right choice for them to give someone money.

          It was a baseless assumption, made by you so that you can assume that everyone who takes money is an icky, morally-weak selfish moocher so that you can feel better about yourself. You’re so independent? Then stop caring about what everyone else is doing. You may not be jealous, but you’re sitting here on the internet looking to validate yourself. There are better ways to do that: people post here all the time saying that they’re proud of xyz financial accomplishment and want to celebrate it. But they *don’t* do it while tearing other people down. That’s why you’re getting the responses you’re getting.

          • ParentMoney

            Since you chose to assume I’m America I’m not. So my peers certainly don’t have student loans or medical debt.

          • oh please.

            FFS. That does nothing to disprove my point. The point is that you are making baseless assumptions about other people’s finances. Medical debt or student loans are called “examples.” Get it now?

            How would you like it if I disparaged your “independence” and scoff that you didn’t “pay your own way” because you got a taxpayer funded education? What a nice perk!

    • housecounsel

      It bothers me a lot. Some of the comments here have made me question why that is true. In my personal experience, the adult children I know who are accepting money from their parents are doing so because they have made poor choices, and I feel those adult children are taking advantage of the parents’ emotional vulnerability. The exchange does not seem entirely voluntary. Reading these comments has caused me to consider that not everyone has this experience.

      • anon

        My in-laws are financially comfortable, but the money isn’t endless. My BIL had a lot of problems — mental illness, addiction, all the stuff that comes from that — and was a constant drain on my in-laws finances (I feel somewhat bad saying this — those demons got him eventually and he intentionally overdosed and died). He was emotionally abusive to my MIL and while my in-laws are grown-ups and were doing their best, it was always just sad. In large part because there was no proportionality or appreciation for their sacrifices. No matter what they did or how much they gave, his need was endless.

        My in-laws also give generous financial gifts to my husband and me. They bought us new furniture this year as an “anniversary” gift and “early Christmas present” (I put it in quotes because my MIL is still going to buy us Christmas gifts “to have something under the tree”). They bought all our kids’ winter clothes, and paid for a family vacation this summer. We don’t need the money, and we always ask if they’re sure. They say that this is where they get their joy. What they want to do with their money is spend it on their children and grandchildren — there’s nothing else they’d rather do with it.

        I guess what I’m trying to say is that there are desperately sad circumstances where the parents are giving money out of a place of sadness, where the giving doesn’t bring any joy and is painful. But there are also circumstances where the money is given entirely voluntarily, and where the giving makes the giver happier. And I’ve seen both in my own family.

      • Anonymous

        While it never bothers me when they give my younger brother or sister money, regardless of the amount, it always rankles when it’s my older sister. The younger two are always surprised and grateful and have never yet actually needed it to get out of a bad situation of their own making. The older sister openly and brazenly expects and demands it, and has used it more than once to get out of financial “emergencies” she brought on herself with her bad choices. She is 100% taking advantage of their emotional vulnerability, and it is icky.

        But when my dad wrote me a check to cover the closing costs and the first monthly mortgage payment when I bought my house, which I had not asked him to do, I was absolutely startled, definitely did not need it, and extremely thankful. And I cashed the freaking check. He wanted to give it to me, and would have been hurt if I had said no. If anyone here thinks that’s icky, I invite you most cordially to mind your own d*mn business.

      • anonymous

        Consider, too, that the obnoxious people are always going to be a bother to you. There are many that receive help or gifts and are extremely gracious and thankful for them. And they don’t say boo about it.

        My father and paternal grandparents died within a year of each other, all unexpectedly, when I was 10. This created a significant trust for me that I did not even know about until I turned 21. By that point, I had been raised by a frugal mother who taught us the value of hard work, education, and making the best out of life. That money has gone untouched and — barring extreme circumstances — it is my intention that it should continue to grow untouched to be a gift I can give to MY children some day after they have worked hard and found jobs for themselves. It simply doesn’t exist in my mind– I balance my checkbook every month, buy things on sale and at TJ Maxx, max out retirement accounts, contribute to emergency savings, and live off my job’s income alone.

        Live your own life and don’t worry about other people’s choices.

    • Lilly

      Unless someone is being taken advantage of… Other people’s finances are no one else’s business.

      MYOB, live and let live. You will be much happier. Yes, I had to learn to accept that the fact that monies were being passed to my younger sibling from my parents were none of my business. He greatly prefers for others to take on his responsibilities. They raised their baby child to be that way. That’s how they roll. So be it.

    • A

      To each their own and everyone’s situation is different. I personally would not be able to accept a large sum of money from either my parents or my husband’s parents even if they insisted. I’m very grateful and proud of the fact that I can take care of myself and don’t need financial assistance from family.

    • Anonymous

      In my HCOL city, almost no one buys their first home without family help (even if that help is just a loan so they can make a cash offer – because it’s really hard to get offers contingent on financing accepted in this seller’s market). So no, I don’t think it’s icky, although I admit that I’m a little jealous. We didn’t have parental help and ended up leaving that area because it was just too hard to buy there without help. I don’t begrudge my friends who got help though.

    • Senior Attorney

      For some reason this thread reminds me of a funny story from law school: One of my classmates was the heiress to a huge sports-related fortune. She got married the summer after law school and had a HUGE expensive wedding at a fancy hotel. Must have spent close $100,000 or more back in 1988, and that was before giant Pinterest-y weddings were nearly as much of a thing as they are now.

      A bunch of us from law school were all seated at the same table, and somebody said “Wow, this is a fancy wedding, but if it were me I’d much rather have the money for a big down payment on a house!” And somebody else at the table, who was close friends with the bride, said “Oh, don’t worry. Her parents bought them a house already!”

    • Miss Manners

      Only Nouveau Riche worry about other people’s money. Everyone else, including Old Money, merely worries about money.

    • CMT

      There aren’t any rules to life. It’s not “cheating” and worrying about what other people are doing makes you petty and jealous and insecure. Get over it.

    • Ellen

      I disagree. My dad love’s to help me pay my bills b/c he is doeing estate planning by makeing me and Rosa gift’s so that his estate tax will be less later. When I get married, I will give my kid’s gift’s for the same reason — you can’t take it with you! That is what he says and he is right again. My dad is MENSA eligeible, so he knows what he is talkeing about! YAY!!

    • Anononope

      I borrowed money from my parents for a down payment. We *could* have made a much smaller downpayment and financed more and paid mortgage insurance but instead they gifted us the down payment — but because of our notions of fairness (I have siblings who haven’t accepted a similar gift) we are paying it back as quickly as we can. But if we fall onto hard times I would rather be asking my parents to understand why the money wasn’t coming as quickly than asking the bank…

      And honestly, I think it is “cheating” in the same way using your privilege is always “cheating.” We are building equity instead of paying rent. We wouldn’t be able to do it on this scale/at this rate if it weren’t for the help of my parents. But what would be noble about saying “no, leave that $ in your account, please, we will spend more on mortgage insurance so that we aren’t skipping the line.” What point am I making by not taking help that is being offered to me?

      Anyone who is close enough to me to know about my finances knows I got help — I would never assume that other people should be doing the same thing as me, because I know people have different opportunities and different priorities — and I acknowledge that it’s a lovely, unusual gift. But I would hope people don’t judge me for accepting the gift I was offered.

  4. Want to dress up my nails

    Any super active people use Jamberry or other nail wrap-type manicures?

    I am a fan of very light nail polish (Essie usually), but do Crossfit (so between the chalk and the barbell and the hookgrip and taping my thumb, nail polish only lasts a day). I haven’t really done my nails in years because of this, but saw that a few of my favorite athletes were wearing them and said they were chalk and barbell friendly. I would love them if they could last for at least a week.

    • TorontoNewbie

      I get a shellac manicure occasionally – they’re a really good way to keep a manicure going when you also don’t want to stop weightlifting. Just don’t try and peel off the polish (use acetone!) and don’t do them back-to-back because your nail beds can get fragile apparently.

      • anon-oh-no

        I do no chip manicure (gel/shellac/whatever) and have been doing them basically non-stop for almost 5 years. Maybe once a year (some years not at all), I go 3 weeks or so without, usually when my nails chip a bit. they grow out in three weeks and then they are fine.

        • housecounsel

          Same – I do no chip. It lasts only two weeks for me, though. I imagine my nails are destroyed underneath.

    • Wildkitten

      I do Crossfit and have done Jamberry and would do shellac for this. You can buy a light at Target and do it yourself, you don’t have to go to the salon. I repaint my nails far more often than just every 2 weeks.

  5. Libby

    I’m reposting from earlier:

    Ugh, I didn’t get a job I REALLY wanted. They had really nice things to say about me, but ultimately went with someone else. However, I did get offered a job I don’t *actually* want, but I’m on a sinking ship and need to get off. It actually pays less and is in a different field I have no interest in. I’m telling myself its a chance to hone skills I can use in my actual field.

    Has anyone else been in this position? I’m less than excited about the new job, but I need a new job! Plus, I’m so upset the other job didn’t work out. I know hundreds of people applied and at the end it came down to three people.

    • Senior Attorney

      I’m so sorry! Hugs and be kind to yourself!

      I have certainly been in the “didn’t get the job I REALLY wanted” position and it sucks. I also have taken a job to get off a sinking ship, and in my case that job led to a really great job a few years later so hopefully your new job will lead to something great, too!

      Also, I’ve been in the “hundreds down to a few and didn’t get it,” and ended up getting it a few months later when the first choice didn’t work out. So you never know…

    • Darla

      I just found out I didn’t get the property I loved that I put an offer on. :(

    • Anon

      I was in your shoes last year and accepted the less than great position because I felt like I had no choice.

      I’ve been here almost a year now and I never really stopped job hunting – I knew this wouldn’t be a good fit from the start. Every.single.day has been an absolute grind. It plays to none of my strengths, but it’s at least in my field (but a shoot-me-now cubicle/spreadsheet/Office Space side of my field).

      Take a long look at how bad your ship is sinking vs how bad a fit the new job will be. Frying pan to fire doesn’t do you much good.

      • anon

        Are you me? I’ve been at a new job for less than a year and also never really stopped job hunting because I knew almost immediately it wasn’t a good fit. And I am also in cubicle/spreadsheet h3ll. Solidarity.

  6. Anon

    How do you style booties like this? I admit I have thicker legs and I always feel a little self-conscious when trying to rock this look. Maybe it’s where the bootie (I really hate this word) hits my lower leg? I can’t figure this one out.

    • Anonymous

      Black skinny jeans.

      Above the knee skirts with black tights.

      Not for work.

    • anon8

      I’m wondering this too. I’ve tried booties with skinny jeans and I feel like I have these big, clomping feet. Maybe my eye just needs to adjust to the look.

    • anon-oh-no

      I like them with ankle length pants, rolled up jeans, or short skirts with opaque tights, the latter two looks not for work, but I wear ankle pants and booties to work, just not to court.

    • TBK

      I just wear them the way we wore short boots (before they were called “booties”) in the early 2000s — with my jeans over them. My jeans are all either straight leg or have a very tiny flare toward the bottom (true skinny jeans are not my friend) so they work.

      • pugsnbourbon

        I have a *similar pair, I should say. I don’t have those exact ones.

  7. ConfusedAssociate

    All, I am a new associate at a small transactional law firm. I have only been practicing for several months, but I don’t feel very compelled towards my work. I recently was offered an opportunity to utilize my other master’s degree in a different position. Equivalent pay, better benefits, more flexible schedule, and a shorter commute. I am concerned I might be “giving up on law” too soon if I were to exit the industry now. Has anyone experienced this feeling or been faced with a similar scenario? Advice?

    • Wanderlust

      If you are ok with the idea of not practicing law, and you have other marketable skills for a position with growth potential in a non-legal industry, go for it! However, also realize that much junior associate work is boring and routine, and the “fun stuff” doesn’t come, if at all, until later on in your legal career.

    • Anonymous

      I had a similar opportunity shortly after I started working as a lawyer, but I decided that I wanted to continue practicing and learning as a lawyer for a few years before moving into a non-lawyer role. I ended up switching jobs to something I like much better and 8 years later am still practicing as a lawyer. To me, it was important to work as a practicing lawyer for at least a few years. I think it would be very difficult to go back to practicing if you did not have significant experience beforehand. So if I was you, I would continue practicing as a lawyer, maybe find something that is a better fit for you, but not give up on law yet.

      • Anonymous

        +1 I’m an ex-lawyer now, but I practiced for more than five years in three different jobs (excluding internships, etc.) I think a few months is early to give up, especially if you aren’t miserable. And while I’m very very happy in my post-law career and would never go back even if given a “unicorn” law job with good people, pay, commute, etc., I do hope you realize that leaving law, especially at this stage, is pretty much a one way street. It will be almost impossible to go back, so only do this if you are sure you are ok with never practicing law again.

    • Cait

      I was absolutely miserable in my first lawyer job–associate at a mid-sized firm–so when I was laid off after a year (recession time), I went into non-profit development rather than law. A couple of years later, I took an in-house counsel job as a last-ditch effort to try to enjoy being a lawyer. In my case, I happened to know someone at the organization who could get me an interview, and I was lucky that my fit with the team and transferable skills were strong enough to overcome my somewhat lacking experience.

      The in-house job was ok, but ultimately I used my experience there in one area to move into the business side. I will happily never go back to practicing law, which was never the right fit, but I do appreciate that I gave it a couple more years and can now be totally sure. That said, if the dream job I’m in now had been a possibility from the beginning, I would have been happy to be on this great career path sooner.

      All that to say that, if you think there’s a real chance that law could be the right fit, you might want to give it a while longer, but don’t let the usual traps–sunk-cost fallacy or attachment to the lawyer identity–hold you back from the right path for you. Good luck!

  8. Lorelai Gilmore

    Dear Anonymous from yesterday who posted about a toxic argument with her husband,

    I hope you’re doing ok. Please update us when you have a chance. My heart is with you.

    • That Anonymous

      Funny I saw this since I posted over on the moms s!te and tend not to come here that often. It was fine. He was frustrated that he’d tried to wind things down before they became a real fight but I kept pushing on the issue. Still don’t think his response was helpful. We’ve got an appointment with a therapist on Thursday, which I think is good. Our relationship overall is great. It’s just we don’t always handle fights well. Well, he doesn’t handle fights well. I don’t handle bringing up issues well (I tend to go straight to accusatory instead of bringing it up as “hey can we solve this problem together”). So I think we could use some help with better strategies. And I’m optimistic the help will be effective. We’re both very thoughtful about the marriage and put a lot of effort into making it work. That sounds like it doesn’t work. I mean we don’t take for granted that it will just run on its own. We both know it’s the most valuable thing we have and are both very invested in it working, and working well. Despite how he came across in the post, he’s extremely open to this kind of thing and is looking forward to Thursday.

      • Lorelai Gilmore

        Hurray, so glad to hear it. Hang in there. Good luck on Thursday!

  9. Need some shoes

    Heading back to work next week after my maternity leave and I can’t fit any of my shoes! I wore dresses before, but I will primarily wear straight leg pants moving forward.

    What shoes look best with straight leg pants? Pumps? Flats? Boots?

    • Newbie Associate

      Pointed toe flats are great for making you long longer/taller. Plus, they look a little dressier than rounded flats.

    • NY CPA

      All of the above options are totally fine. I typically wear pumps with my straight leg pants but mostly because they’re hemmed to be long enough for heels.

    • Anon

      Wear booties like Kat posted above and if your feet shrink later like mine did you canwear thicker socks.

  10. Bewitched

    Calling European ‘Rett&s! I was inspired by the introductory video on this blog and wish I could recommend an adventure for this guy and his sweet, super deserving mom! Thought I’d share in hopes that one of you guys can weigh in and suggest something awesome (or join them for a day!) http://www.thelittlegirlfromkamas.com/

  11. Scarlett

    London question – have you been to Sketch for high tea? It looks charming but says on the reservation site that the table must be vacated 2 hours after the reservation time. Do they rush you? Also, anything nearby that’s a “must see/must do” (it’s in the Mayfair area).
    Thanks!

      • Scarlett

        Eh, I don’t totally disagree – I enjoy lingering over tea, 2 hours is about right for that but I’m worried about them rushing it into 1.5 hours or something to turn the table. Have you been there?

        • LondonLeisureYear

          They will not rush you at all. They will make you feel pampered and at ease.

    • LondonLeisureYear

      Its wonderful!!! You will love it! I think 2 hours is just fine. Which room are you picking for reservations? Its been my favorite tea in London.

      Nearby – if you like shopping basically across the street is Liberty London. Selfridges is also near by which is fun to walk through.

      If you want a museum – the Wallace Collection is wonderful, its free. They do a great highlights tour at 2:30.

      You are also pretty near Hyde Park but if you are dressed for tea you probably don’t want to walk around Hyde Park. Let me know if you need more ideas!

      • Scarlett

        oh my gosh, thank-you for this!! I just made a reservation!! So excited – it looks wonderful & this is just the confirmation I needed :-)
        Any chance I could email you offline for more London ideas?

    • Anonymous

      Is that the all pink place? I’m pretty sure the bl0gger GalMeetsGlam wrote about going there. It looked awesome.

    • Senior Attorney

      Oh my gosh! Thanks for this! Just booked it for our trip in January!

      • Scarlett

        Me too – Friday the 6th, any chance we’ll be in the same place at the same time? Can we do a secret ‘rette signal?

  12. Anon

    A friend of mine swears by VIONIC shoes. She has constant heel/arch pain, and her doctor recommended the brand. She is a teacher and is on her feet a lot during the day, so the VIONIC shoes have helped tremendously.

  13. What Should I Binge Watch??

    Hey Ladies,

    I’m having a minor surgery later this week and will be out a few days taking it super easy. Any suggestions for binge watching?? Previous favorites have included Scandal, Grey’s Anatomy, Parenthood, Friday Night Lights, Good Wife, etc. Couldn’t get into Stranger Things. Any other suggestions?

    Thanks!!

    • Anon

      Check out Mysteries of Laura with Debra Messing and Josh Lucas. There are only 2 seasons (darn networks!), but it’s so good and each episode is an hour (er, 45 minutes, whatever). Funny, engaging, good plots, and the cast has great chemistry.

    • Team Michael

      Based on your suggestions, I think you’d like Jane the Virgin. It’s a 1 hr drama-edy. If you like comedies, Veep and Parks and Rec (first few episodes of P&R are rough, it picks up)!

    • anon8

      I’ve started watching This is Us. I can find it the On Demand channels but you can probably also watch it on NBC’s site.

    • Cat

      the Aziz Ansari show on Netflix (blanking on the name right now!), Call the Midwife, and if you never got into them the first time around, Downton Abbey, Mad Men, Orange is the new Black…

    • Anonymous

      Crazy Ex Girlfriend is on Netflix. Not a drama like your list, but I think it could be good if you’re in pain meds.

    • C. Ham

      If you haven’t done Gilmore Girls, it is the best binge-watch for when you’re down or sick and just want to feel happy and cozy. Plus it has the incomparable Lauren Graham, aka Sarah Braverman from Parenthood. The West Wing is also a great one to binge.

      As for newer shows, I agree with Jane the Virgin and would also add Crazy Ex-Girlfriend.

      • C. Ham

        And if you like the JTV telenovela vibe, Ugly Betty is also a wonderful show.

        • Sydney Bristow

          I miss Ugly Betty. That was such a good show. And Wilhemina had the most fantastic wardrobe.

          • C. Ham

            Yes!! Vanessa Williams looked incredible on that show.

            Related to your username, I have a friend watching Alias on Hulu for the first time and it is really making me want to rewatch. I loved that show something fierce when it was on.

    • Anonymous

      Veep, West Wing, Six Feet Under, Sports Night, Gilmore Girls, Freaks and Geeks, Masters of None, Parks and Rec, Superstore (new comedy from last season so not a ton to binge, but I think it’s funny – it stars American Ferrera and has kind of a Parks & Rec vibe).

    • Sydney Bristow

      If you’re open to sci fi, I recommend the show Haven. It is based off a Stephen King novel, takes place in Maine, and just has the best complex world development. Best of all, the entire show has already aired so you won’t get sucked into it and then need to wait not-very-patiently for a new season.

      If you haven’t seen it, definitely The West Wing. I was rewatching the pilot recently and realized that it was an excellent show and all the characters were already fully developed right from the very beginning.

      My other favorites for binge watching are Gilmore Girls and Veronica Mars.

      • C. Ham

        Haven is GREAT. I can’t bring myself to finish the last season because I don’t want it to be over.

      • nona

        Even if you’ve already watched West Wing, I think it holds up on rewatches. V Mars is awesome (If you like V Mars, go for iZombie, which is basically V Mars but with zombies instead of PIs)

    • Meredith Grey

      Your list is the same as mine, so don’t cringe too hard when I suggest.. One Tree Hill. This was my go-to living alone in law school and once you get over the fact that it’s totally unrealistic, it’s so entertaining. (Also, Friends if you haven’t watched all the episodes, available on netflix).

    • Anonymous

      Damages, How to get away with murder, unbreakable kimmie Schmidt, Orange is the New Black.

    • Bristow

      Pitch – there’s four episodes so far and I’m really adoring it. Free on-demand or on the NBC website.

    • anon prof

      Hart of Dixie. So fun! Thanks to other ‘rettes for recommending it in the past.

  14. Anon

    Definitely a fan of happy/easy shows post-surgery. In addition to what’s already recommended, I really like Kimmy Schmidt and Broad City. Also Friends, which got me through a hospital stay.

  15. Regular Poster but Anon for This

    How do you deflect an invitation to meet when the only reason you don’t want to meet is because you’d rather do just about anything else instead? I used to work in a toxic smaller law firm where we were the 3 women associates and all of the partners were men who basically did not see any of us as partner material and left us all feeling demoralized. I became both depressed (crying in my office a bunch of times) and anxious (constantly worried that I was going to be laid-off because people were hoarding work and my hours were low). There were moments where we felt like we were “in the same boat,” but we also disagreed on whether to bring up issues, rock the boat, etc. We just had differences in opinion based on our different abilities to tolerate risk (all at different life stages and family configurations). Anyway, it kind of went bad toward the end when one associate told me definitively that “I know what I want – I want to make partner at this firm” (totally unsolicited) and then told me within a week that she had accepted an in-house job. I really didn’t appreciate the lying. The other one told me she was quitting to travel on the same day I gave notice, but it turned out she was asked to leave for lack of work. Anyway, I have had no desire to stay in touch with either of them but they are both in my city. One has reached out to see if the three of us can meet up for coffee. I really don’t. I’m happy where I am (at a different firm) and don’t want to revisit those memories or talk about those partners ever again. Can I not respond to the invitation at all or is it less rude to agree to meet and then bail? If I say I’m busy, they will choose another date to meet, and I’d rather not see either of them again for my own mental sanity and because if I have time, I’d rather spend it with my DH and young kids (one woman has kids who are grown and the other does not have kids).

    • nona

      If you don’t want to do it, definitely do NOT agree to meet and then just bail.

      I would just not respond (oops, email got lost). If they press on it “My schedules pretty full, I don’t know that I’ll be able to make time. But don’t let that get in the way of the two of you meeting”.

      • January

        +1. Please do not agree to meet and then bail. (I mean, this might achieve your goal, in that they might never invite you out again, but it is really annoying for the person flaked-on when this happens).

    • Anonymous

      Be polite, tell them that you hope they are doing well but right now you’re in the middle of a very busy project and don’t have the time, so they should meet up without you there. Also, are you so sure that they were maliciously lying to you? Perhaps one was very upset about being laid off and was embarrassed, and perhaps the other did want to partner but had some realization (like a chat with the partners) that made her realize that she was never going to be.

      • mascot

        How far past this are you? I had a similar toxic small firm situation with awkwardness whenever anyone left. People gave some strange cover stories out of embarrassment and fear, not malice. Several years later, when I reconnected with some of those people who had also left, it was completely different. We all acknowledged that things were bad at that firm and some people even apologized for how they had treated each other. We all still work in the same practice area and you never know when you will need those contacts in the future.

      • Regular Poster but Anon for This

        The one who announced that she wanted to make partner had already been through multiple rounds of interviews for her in-house position before she said that aloud. I’m sure she did not tell her in-house interviewers that she wanted to be a partner at our firm.

    • Meredith Grey

      Something rubs me the wrong way with just not responding. It reads too much like ghosting that I just can’t get totally behind it. I don’t think you need to go, or keep company with anyone you don’t want to, but I think it’s best practice to respond. Something like, “Thank you for the invitation. I hope you’re both doing well. I’m not available to meet up, you two should go ahead without me.” I’d try that on repeat until the invites stop coming. I’m curious to read what others will say, though. Maybe this is not direct enough? Let’s see…

      • Anonymous

        I like this response. I don’t think you need to provide an excuse — just say no. I wouldn’t ghost them, personally.

      • Anonymous

        Eyeroll – it’s not ghosting if they haven’t been communicating and there is no expectation of communicating. It might still be rude, or less than ideal, but it’s not the same as if they had been hanging out weekly and OP just changed here mind. She’s avoiding a situation where her boundaries may be tested.

        I agree the ideal thing to do would be to speak up and decline the invite, because it sucks not to hear back, but if she knows the personalities and feels like her boundaries will be tested more than she can deal with, then a little rudeness is fine in defense of her sanity.

    • Anon

      Why do women provide reasons or excuses for every little thing. Either don’t respond at all. Or respond and say — thanks for the invite, I am not available to meet; hope you’re doing well. And if they reach out with another date or anything – then don’t respond, they’ll get the hint.

      No dude would be saying — well gee, I’d rather spend time with my wife than with ex colleagues who made me cry. He’d just not respond or say no.

    • Regular Poster but Anon for This

      Thanks everyone. It is clear that I’m overthinking this. As a lifelong people-pleaser, I’m finding it hard to say “no” to things. Your advice has been extremely helpful.

  16. Anon

    How do those of us that are big of chest wear tunics? I love the look for casual wear but everything I try on makes me look pregnant or bigger of waist than I am IRL. Ideas? Thanks

  17. SA

    I just had a conversation that is making me uneasy. I know you all can commiserate. There is a newish sales guy who works for our company I have regular contact with sales but we are separate departments. In the past I answered questions for this guy because I knew he was new and it seemed like the kind thing to do.
    Today he called my cell while I was talking to our COO, I let it go to VM. He called back right away without leaving a message, I thought it must be an emergency so hung up my important call and answered, he was driving and wanted me to loom up information on one of his accounts! I was confused and acted confused. He then asked if something a customer had sent was received (by a different department!) I did tell him I have no idea, I don’t work in that building. He asked something else about a different customer and by then I was crabby and told him the name of the person to call.

    Does he think I’m his/a secretary? I’m not. I’m higher on the organization chart than he is (but sales).

    I feel gross about this because it was a tense conversation and I’m not sure I handled it well…

    • New Tampanian

      I think you should have a direct conversation with him setting boundaries. “When you called me twice in a row without a voicemail yesterday I was on an important call but thought it may be an emergency. In the future, you should reach out to X person or Y person for these requests.”

      • CC

        Its not his fault he answered. Next time- don’t get off with the COO. Separate his calling twice with what he was asking.

        I think you handled the convo fine- you directed him to the right person and didn’t do the work for him. its fine if he thinks you were annoyed- you were and should be.

  18. Anonymous

    Thank you to everyone who recommended the Target Ona flats. I picked up a pair in the grey color and they are wonderful.

  19. LOLWUT

    I hear Trump will have President Obama’s half brother in the audience at the debate tomorrow. Why? Pretty sure Obama won’t be there, and they have an ok half brotherly relationship anyway. November 8th cannot come soon enough…

    • Anonymous

      I hope he does go after Obama. I’m sure Obama doesn’t care and he has great approval ratings right now. He and Michelle are much more popular than Hillary so I think Trump attacking them is only going to hurt himself.

    • CC

      Trump treats the debates like the WWF. Obama’s half brother has been outspoken in his disapproval for Obama and support for Trump because he feels like a republican now since they don’t support same sex marriage or something. Sanctity of marriage and all that even though I think he currently has three wives.

  20. Ghosting?

    WTF is this ghosting Halloween fake tradition? My coworker explained this to me, someone leaves a bag of candy or something for you/your kids and you have to do it to someone else. Definitely some bullsh*t invented by a SAHM, right?

    • Anonymous

      Unless your kids are really little, can’t they do it themselves? I wouldn’t help my kids do something like this but if they want to walk around the neighborhood and leave candy on neighbors’ porches, more power to ’em.

    • Beth

      Ha, o got a text about this (“booing”) from a mom in my daughters clas at preschool. First thing I thought of was “which mom friend won’t kill me for doing this?” and I sent my kid next door to “boo” the neighbor.

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