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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 271 Comments · by

Wednesday’s TPS Report: Cashmere Coverup

The Personal Shopper (TPS) | · · ·

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Cashmere CoverupA good red cashmere sweater will take you a lot of places — to the office (with trousers), to a dinner party (with jeans). Truth be told, this is always the kind of thing I wore on a first date — casually sexy and soft to the touch. It was $248, but is now marked to $148.80 at White House | Black Market. Cashmere Coverup Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2)

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. AIMS

    Because this is so unstructured, I am having a hard time seeing this as a work item. Not because I wouldn’t wear it work, because I probably would, but I feel like it would come across as very “this is the sweater I keep in my office for when I’m working at my desk and it’s cold.” And, that’s fine – for those kinds of days.

    I also don’t know that I would wear anything I considered “casually sexy” to the office, but I’m not sure this exact sweater makes me think “casually sexy” to begin with, so I’m going to leave that one alone ;)

    I do love that shade of red though. And it does look awfully snuggly and cozy.

    • a.

      I actually have a gray fuzzy sweater that’s quite similar to this (although not in cashmere), which I loooove. I wear it when I want to wear sweatpants to work, but cannot, because I am a Professional. So honestly, on those days, I don’t care if it comes across like that ;)

      And it is not “casually sexy.” Things that it is: warm, fluffy, snuggly, and feels like hugging your kitten.

    • anon

      i think it’s casually sexy in that it makes you want to reach out and touch it.

    • fresh jd

      I am wearing a gray sweater from H&M that looks very similar though with a snugger fit, over a black sheath with pearls and black wedges. I think it looks perfectly fine and i even have a client mtg today.

      • Kate

        I think the snugger fit is key! This sweater is v. loose, which leads to a more loungy feeling. I think Kat previously posted a sweater blazer from Bloomingdales in a red color that had a similar style but was more structured. that would be more work-appropriate M-F.

  2. GRA

    I love this style and color, but would probably not buy anything cashmere from White House Black Market.

    • Always a NYer

      What’s wrong with their cashmere? I’ve never purchased anything from WHBM before but this color red is just calling my name. Now I’m pausing until I hear feedback on their clothing.

      • GRA

        I have not bought anything cashmere from WHBM, so I can’t report specifically on the quality of their cashmere, but overall I have not been impressed with the quality of the items.

      • Kelly

        I haven’t bought cashmere there either. Everything I’ve bought there has been on sale, their quality definitely doesn’t warrant the full price, but this item is on sale. I’m not sure about their return policy on sale items though.

        I do love this sweater (and red generally) and would totally wear it on a date with a cute tank or camisole, and I could wear it at my office with something more conservative underneath.

        • Nevadan

          I recently boght a cotton skirt at WHBM that was featured here. it was very cute and I loved it, but after two washings it basically fell apart – by which I mean the fabric tore not on a seam so repairing it will be very difficult if I can do it at all.

          Does anyone have nice ideas for pairing skinny stovepipe black pants with other things to make a great outfit? Ankle boots? Belted sweater? I know it is great look, but don’t know quite how to do it!!

          • Anon

            I guess to each his own. I converted to WHBM after being a longtime Ann Taylor fan who became very disapointed with AT’s quality and offerings. I find their quality to be good. I dont buy anything anywhere not on sale, so, I would agree, dont pay full price.

    • Homestar

      I just picked up a red sweater, similar to this but longer, from Talbots. It wasn’t cashmere, but it was soft and was 40% off.

  3. Question on Suits

    For those of you who wear suits every day, how many do you own? I’m moving from a business casual office to a business formal office and want to know how many suits I should invest in. Currently I own three – navy, charcoal, and a dark grey pinstripe.

    Also, are the rules for buttoning suit jackets the same for women as they are for men? What I mean is do I always keep the jacket buttoned when standing and open it to sit down? Does this matter or do some of you keep it open all the time?

    • SunnyD

      When I worked in a business formal office, women could wear separates rather than suits (assuming they weren’t going to court), which really cut down on the amount of clothing I had to own. I had a bunch of jackets, skirts and pants that I could mix up instead of wearing suits all the time–certainly made getting dressed more fun.

      I kept my jacket closed almost all the time because I think open jackets look weird on me. A lot of women left their jackets open all the time–sitting and standing–and looked just fine.

      Good luck with the new job!

      • Kelly

        I like an open jacket all the time because the vertical lines it creates are flattering. With a button down shirt though, I think it usually looks better buttoned. I don’t think many women follow that rule, and most men don’t anymore except for most formal occasions.

        • sadie

          This is interesting — I always wear jackets buttoned because for me, it creates shaping around my waist and makes me look less boxy.

          • Kelly

            haha fwiw I HATE my torso. I’m very short waisted so I like to keep the jacket opened. I have a somewhat hourglass figure (my waist is about 9″ smaller than my hips) but the buttoned jacket just does not flatter me at all and makes my waist look wider. ugh.

          • Always a NYer

            @Kelly – My waist is 11″ smaller than my hips so I always get my jackets (and most of my work clothes) tailored to have that waist definition. I hate when a jacket just hangs and has no shape to it. Going to the tailor with most of my new clothes can be a hassle but they fit much better.

          • Kelly

            Do you get them taken in for your waist? I get things tailored mostly for length. My problem with pants and jackets is I would need the waist taken out, or I would need to buy for my waist and get the entire garment taken in. My jackets normally fit well except when buttoned they’re tight in the waist. Buying the next size up would make the shoulders, arms, etc not fit well, which I hear tailoring the shoulders is difficult. I’m also fairly petite, so an inch is a big deal in my clothing measurements.

          • Always a NYer

            I buy the jacket to fit my shoulders and hips and have the waist taken in. With pants, I get a size to accommodate my hips and have the waist brought in as well. I also get things tailored for length (made longer b/c I’m 5’11”) but have started getting them tailored for a better fit too. Now that I’m out working full-time, I’m much more aware of the image I project and want my clothes to fit my body in a way that’s flattering without being too tight or too loose.

          • Kelly

            I envy all the women who can just get thing taken in at the waist to fit well. What brand suits do you buy? If you need them taken if for an 11″ difference maybe they’ll fit my 9″ difference. FWIW my measurements are currently 37-29-38, but trying to get back to 35-27-36.

          • Always a NYer

            My two suits are by Jones NY. I like that you can buy the suits as separates because I always need a larger size for the pants than I do for the jacket.

    • Littlest Attorney

      I wear a suit everyday at my current law job and I own 10 suits and it seems about right, though I wish some were higher quality and some don’t fit quite right. (3 grey suits (a range of shades), 1 black suit, 1 grey tweed, 1 olive tweed, 1 taupe suit, 1 navy linen suit dress/ jacket combo. For some of those suits I have both pants and a skirt for them. I also have a navy pinstripe and a grey pinstrip suit that are a bit snug at the moment but could wear if absolutely required.)

      I think you need at least 5-6 and then work up from there depending on how bored you get with your work clothes/how good you are at incorporating accessories.

      Not sure what the rules say, but I’m petite so I try to avoid buttoning my jacket. In court I see many women who never button their jackets so I assume the rules are more lax for women.

      3 grey suits (a range of shades), 1 black suit, 1 grey tweed, 1 olive tweed, 1 taupe suit, 1 navy linen suit dress/ jacket combo. For some of those suits I have both pants and a skirt for them. I also have a navy pinstripe and a grey pinstrip suit that are a bit snug at the moment but could wear if absolutely required.

      • Formal Office

        Working your way to 10 suits is a good idea. I use about 8 suits (3 with both the pants and skirts, 2 of the suits are cheaper and not interview quality), 3 blazers, 3 pencil skirts and 5 “nice” pants. I started with 5 suits and that was fine. We’re supposed to wear suits every day, but on many days I can get away with the blazer or a cardigan and not a full suit. (The rules at my firm seemed more flexible for women.) Get a ton of different shirts to wear under the suits and some scarves and you should be OK starting out with 3 suits.

        Also, filling in your wardrobe with cheap suits is fine, but recognize that it is a better investment to get suits that are good quality and somewhat easy to clean.

    • MissJackson

      If you can afford to do so, I think you’re going to want to buy 2 more suits immediately, and then gradually build to more like 10. This somewhat depends on your preferences, though. I think some people could get away with 3 suits (especially if you have pants + skirt) if you don’t easily get bored, you aren’t especially spill-prone, and you have a good eye for accessorizing. I’m super spill prone and easily bored, so I’d probably want 10!

      I never follow the “rule” for buttoning suit jackets. I actually usually keep my jackets buttoned all the time.

    • Lyssa

      I suit up just about every day (I really don’t have to, but I did at my last job, so I have them). I have six suits, but 3 have both pants and a skirt (I’m trying to only buy ones that have both), so those are really 2 suits to my mind. Three in varying shades of gray, one brown, one black, one black pinstripe. I think that that’s plenty, but I do still get bored with them. I could do some quality upgrades, though; some are several years old.

      I think that for buttoning, you should mostly do what you’re comfortable with. For me, it depends on my mood, how heavy my shirt is, and whether I’ve just had a big lunch. However, I would say that buttoned up looks a bit more formal, so I would recommend buttoning when doing really formal things, particularly if standing – i.e., interviews, court arguments, etc.

    • sadie

      I’d buy at least two more. You want to be able to get through the week. You should also scope out your office — you may find that many women wear separates, and it’s useful to know that before spending a lot of money on suits. I have nine suits, three of which I think of as summer suits (lighter fabrics and colors), and two of which I hate, and I’m constantly looking for more suits that really work. My other tip: if you find a suit that works for you, or a suiting brand, buy it in all available colors. I have a great suit from Anne Klein that I love. It was not terribly expensive, and I wish I’d bought it in gray and navy in addition to black.

    • SC

      I just started working in an office where the dress code is “suit or its equivalent” Mon-Thurs and “business casual” on Friday. I started out with four suits (black, black pinstripe, gray, and navy) and a couple of formal dresses (black, blue). It got me through about 3 months before I was so bored with the suits that I wanted to pull my hair out. In the past month, I’ve added a suit, a dress, and a blazer, which have helped me mix it up a bit and not stress so much when I need to get something dry-cleaned.

      So, if you need to wear suits and not just suit separates, and you like variety from one week to another, my advice is to keep your eye on sales over the next couple of months to pick up another suit or two – maybe something more fun or with some detail that sets it apart from a typical power suit. Also, work-appropriate dresses are a good way to test the boundaries of “business formal” by mixing them up with different belts, cardigans, shoes, etc.

      • Anne-on

        Yes – lots of stores (like Lord and Taylor or Nordstroms) have a great selection of what I think of as ‘everyday’ suits – not quite as sharp/formal as an interview suit, and with more interesting detail, color, styling, etc. Plus, they tend to be on sale this time of year!

    • JessC

      I would get at least another two for now. In the longer run, you may want to get a few more than just two additional, but I’d wait to see whether or not people frequently wear separates at your office.
      Try to focus on getting suits that have both skirts and pants – you’ll get a lot more distance out of a suit if you have both options. Several stores discussed on this site, such as Banana Republic, J Crew, Ann Taylor, and The Limited, sell their suit pieces separately with both pant and skirt options available.

    • Which Suits

      I spent a fair number of years buying all different styles and cuts of suits before I knew what works on me. As a result, I always had all these suits in my closet that I didn’t ever really wear. Now, I buy only what works (for me: short jacket that nips in at waist and that buttons pretty high up; skirt with no pleats or pockets), and I can wear much more of my wardrobe. I also love suits that come with a skirt and a dress. Love the look of a dress with a jacket.

    • LMo

      When I was in a business formal office, I had three full (pants and skirt) suits in light gray, charcoal, and black. I made them go much further by combining them with suit dresses. Believe it or not, I found it much easier to get dressed in the morning when suits were my only option.

      I wouldn’t buy anything yet (except for maybe one awesome new suit that makes you feel gloriously ready for the new job). Wait until you get to the office and see what it is like…the rules and the reality can be very different. Also I find I like my clothes more when I acquire them gradually as opposed to in one big suit buying swoop.

    • MeliaraofTlanth

      How many do I own, or how many fit at any one time? Because those are two different numbers. I own:

      2 grey, 4 brown (1’s really a spring/summer only), 1 brownish-olive-greenish, 2 black, 1 black linen (only for summer), 1 tan/camel (really for summer, but I can use it if I need to mix things up). Some of these have pants and skirts, so could really count as 2. But right now, I think only 5 truly fit and are winter-appropriate.

      Clearly, I just like suits (especially brown ones). It makes it easier to get dressed (I don’t have to wear a suit every day, just whenever I have court, which is about 3 days a week, but I usually do anyway). You could get away with a lot fewer than I own.

      • Hel-lo

        I also love brown suits. I think they seem more approachable than black suits.

    • Middle Coast

      When I first started with a minimal number of suits, my secretary (a/k/a mother-figure/office politics mentor) said with a smile, “It must be Tuesday, you’re wearing your blue suit.” I didn’t think people would notice, but they did as she pointed out. She suggested I keep track of what I wore when to avoid this as I built my wardrobe. It worked.

    • Bonnie

      Hello Corporettes! I wear a suit every day and probably have about 20 that fit. I started off with basic wear all year long suits and then started adding more unique suits (seer-sucker, tweed, etc) to the mix when I found nice things on sale. Whether I keep the jacket buttoned depends on the cut of the suit and the time of the year. During the winter, when I wear sweater vests underneath for added warmth, I often keep the jacket unbottoned for more breathing room.

    • Nevadan

      When I was working in Boston, I didn’t wear suits every day, but quite frequently. I liked to have about 5-6 good suits for work at any given time. Some could be pants suits, some could be skirt suits.

  4. Monday

    Off-topic: Another story with the moral “take charge of your medical care.”

    I went for my regular pap this morning at a practice where I am a fairly new patient. I had chosen a female primary care doctor specifically because that’s who I’m comfortable seeing for OB/GYN stuff. This was to be my first pap with her.

    The medical assistant who took my vitals at the beginning was a young man. At the end of his regular tasks, he said “the doctor is going to need assistance with your pap. Is it OK with you if I do that?” I have never been in this situation before–it’s always just been me and the doctor–so I was surprised. I said “I’d rather there not be a man in the room, nothing personal.” But then I asked if I actually had any choice, and he said no, that there was no one else available to assist. He left the room and I tried to talk myself into relaxing about it. I know that for my mom and her generation, there often wasn’t any option, so even if you did care, you just had to deal with getting OB/GYN care from a man.

    When he and my doctor came back in and we were actually getting down to it, I couldn’t help but bring it up again. My effort to relax had failed. I asked about the policy for having assistance with a pap, since I had never been in a system like that. My doctor pointedly asked “Are you OK with a male assistant?” and I said I would prefer a female. She immediately sent the male assistant out to get a woman in his place, although he had told me that wouldn’t be possible. Once he was gone, she said “did he ask you if it was OK?” and I said “yes–and I told him it wasn’t really.” I could tell she was taking a mental note.

    He may get yelled at, and that wasn’t my intent, but I am glad that I brought it up again. I hate these appointments anyway, but this is one thing that makes me more comfortable, and I feel like it was worth it to speak up. Just sharing this in case someone else may benefit.

    • Me

      Wow – what an awful position to be placed in! Mental note is that you really have to be extremely assertive about your health care. I tend not to want to be high-maintenance in my health care, but I think it’s worth voicing your displeasure to avoid being uncomfortable.

    • Good for you

      I’m glad you spoke up. I always have female medical professionals for these types of appointments and I never feel uncomfortable requesting. Good for you!

    • a.

      Good for you! I am completely the same way about having a female OB/GYN, but I don’t know if I would have had the courage to speak up a second time, if that had been me. I hope that guy gets a serious slap on the wrist.

      FWIW, I’ve never had a pap where there *wasn’t* an assistant present. Those assistants have always been female, though. Guess that’s just the norm where I am.

      • a passion for fashion

        Good for you for speaking up!

        FWIW, however, I used to be like that. Until I got pregnant with my first and was having complications early on and the only person available was a man and because of that, I didnt even think about it. But that one time got me over my fear/worry of having a male OB/GYN and now I can honestly say that I am so glad I did because I was basically cutting out the majority of really good doctors (not to say that the female doctors are not good — they are — just that male drs are good too and they were essentially not available to me). My current OB is a male and both of my babies were delivered by males (teams of males, actually).

        • Anony

          When I was a young teenager I had to see a specialty GYN and he was a male. It was incredibly awkward at the time, since I had never really had any GYN experience and now it was a guy, and eew. But my mom would always make those days special days and we’d go out to lunch or to a museum. And now I’m pretty much cool with any doctor, so it was good experience I guess. But at the time it was totally awful.

        • Anon

          agree used to be same way- pregnant now with first, best recommended doc in seattle was guy who is calm, smart, delivered my gp’s babies- thought it’d be weird but first time he did an exam i was totally fine. when you have a complication that could mean miscarriage, that is least of worries, and it all happens so fast. just thankful to have top quality care. funny how outlooks change.

          • Anon

            This. I had specifically said no males in my delivery room and then the baby started to show signs of distress at delivery and the NICU team was called – 4 men. Oh well. Baby was fine and I didn’t much care at that point about anything except that!

        • Whit

          At the end of 40 weeks of pregnancy, I didn’t care who was in the room with me, as long as that baby was coming out. Now I don’t give the male-female question a second thought.

          My OB-GYN practice has the assistant-in-the-room policy for pap smears as well, and I dislike it intensely, for whatever reason. Luckily now they are only needed every 2-3 years!

        • cbackson

          I’ve had a male gyn, who actually did do my exams without an assistant present. I was comfortable with it and with him, so that was okay with me. One thing I appreciated was that he met me in his office first, told me what he would do that day, and then I went into the exam room and dressed. I dressed again after the exam and came back to his office before we discussed results/follow-up/etc. That helped a lot with my comfort.

          That said, for any kind of medical care, the patient’s comfort with the personnel doing the treatment is paramount and should be honored. Just because I’m okay with a male doc doesn’t mean everyone is.

          • CSF

            My OBGYN does this (meet in office first), and I appreciate it infinitely more. It’s very difficult to address health concerns in a professional manner if I’m laying on an exam table covered by what wouldn’t even pass as a sheet.

      • Sharon

        My husband is an ob-gyn and wouldn’t dream of not having an assistant present during an exam. The litigation risks are just too huge. Darn lawyers :-)

    • P

      The fact that he insisted it wasn’t possible for you to have a female assistant raises red flags to me! It probably was because he hoped to get experience assisting even though many women prefer to have women only in the room, but I would be highly creeped out at his insistence nonetheless.

    • Anon

      I was wondering about the assistant in the room as well. My OB always has a nurse in the room. Always, even for our conversations. Thankfully, it is always a female nurse, but I still don’t feel that comforatable with it. Some of the things are difficult for me to talk about in the first place, and I would really prefer it be kept between myself and the doctor. On the other hand, I just feel too high maintainance to ask to speak with just the doctor. (Additionally, I really don’t want to make the nurses mad, since I have to be tere every two weeks!). Does anyone know the reason for always having a nurse in the room? Is it a second set of eyes (and a witness) to protect against liability?

      • anon

        “Is it a second set of eyes (and a witness) to protect against liability?”

        Ding ding ding.

      • a passion for fashion

        This. and many states require a female to be in the room if the dr. is a male.

        • AIMS

          Really?? I find this hard to believe (not saying you’re making this up, just find it really surprising if true).

        • Cat

          I’ve had the same experience. I actually didn’t care that the dr. was a male, but it freaked me out to have someone else stand around and watch /listen (male or female) and so now I will only see a woman dr.

        • ADB_BWG

          I’ve only had an assistant (female) in the room when I’ve had a male doctor. Female doctor = no assistant.

        • Med issue

          I’ve had this experience, too.

          I went to see an allergist recently, who was male. It was my first appointment with him. He asked about my other medical conditions, and at the time, I had a rash on my breast that was being treated by a dermatologist. When I was getting ready to show it to him, he asked a female nurse to come in to observe.

      • EC MD

        Yes partially, but it’s also to streamline communication. Nurses are often the ones who do the work after the appointment — ordering and following up on labs, diagnostic tests, coordinating care. Having the nurse in the room means that she (or he) can hear the plan in realtime, avoiding the Dr going out and telling her the same information, but maybe dropping a small detail. As a physician, I like the one-on-one contact with the patient and don’t mind relaying information. Sometimes with a complicated patient, or one that has a good relationship with my assistant already, I will pull her in to minimize relaying information again.

      • Anne-on

        I think its to protect against liability. I always had a female nurse present during any exams with my male obgyn, but any conversations I had with him (unrelated to exams) were generally done in his separate office before/after exams. I liked the opportunity to have the distinct exam time vs. conversation time – is that an option for you?

      • MeliaraofTlanth

        Yep, for liability protection. My doctor straight up told me this (it was after she found out I work in med mal defense, so it wasn’t totally out of the blue). It kind of weirded me out at first, but after she told me that, I decided it made perfect sense. I think she will only use female assistants for this, for what it’s worth.

      • Lynnet

        I’ve never had an assistant in the room, but most of my annual exams have been conducted by female nurses. I don’t recall ever having a man or a doctor conduct the exam, although it’s possible I’ve just forgotten.

    • AIMS

      Good for you for saying something.

      I once went to an OB/GYN I randomly picked out of my insurance provider book. She had an assistant walking around barefoot in her office! But against my better instincts I didn’t say anything. Big mistake. Turned out to be one of the worst doctors I’d visited. Had I followed my gut, I could have saved myself a lot of agitation and frustration with this office and found a better doctor sooner.

    • Can't wait to quit

      Interesting, and good for you for speaking up. Honestly, I prefer a male gyno as I’ve had nothing but annoying experiences with the two women I saw (once each). I also prefer it if it’s just me and the doctor, unless there’s a reason more than two hands are needed. I don’t say anything, because the current gyno is through a big HMO and it’s their policy to have a nurse spectating, but I would prefer it just be the two of us.

      FWIW, one female gyno ran all my symptoms and complaints through her own experiences, and the other one was put out when I cut off her lecture about how BC pills might make it hard to conceive right away by mentioning that I was taking the pills because I didn’t want kids at all, and so how soon I could conceive after I stopped taking them was moot.

      • KK

        interesting. I have my first appointment with a male ob/gyn this week. I’m starting with a new practice (that has both male/female docs and midwives) and he had the only avail appointment time that worked for me. I would ultimately like to transition to a midwife in that practice.

      • Anon

        true- strangely the women can be worse- not always but there is nothing worse than having someone else’s experience projected onto you!

      • anon

        Same here. The males I’ve seen have actually been much gentler and more professional in explaining what they are going to do and why before doing it. My bad gyno experiences have all come from females.

      • Cee

        I tend to prefer female doctors for pretty much anything because I think they tend to be better listeners, which makes them better at diagnosing and treating issues. I loved my OB/GYN, particularly when I was having issues during my pregnancies. All of the doctors I see are female. Same with my husband. My kids’ pediatrician is male, but the back-up I have picked out on the sad day that he retires is a woman.

        That being said, after having two kids, my hang-ups about male doctors looking down there are largely over. My OB practices with her dad, who ended up having to do some checks during my second pregancy. I still prefer her, but not simply because she’s a woman.

    • conbrio

      Why on earth would a doctor need assistance with your pap? It’s a one-person job. I’ve never had a second person in the room for a routine pelvic exam.

      • NOLA

        I think I did when I was seeing a male specialist but since I’ve switched to a female Nurse Practitioner, she’s always by herself.

      • Can't wait to quit

        That’s why I wish there wasn’t the “nurse spectator” policy at my current HMO. However, I have had in-office procedures that were more involved, and it was clear then that the nurse was actually assisting (even if it was just holding my hand during a painful punch biopsy), and not just standing there as a witness in case I decided later that the doctor had done something wrong.

      • Nonny

        Me too. In fact, I just had my pap this morning and there has never, ever been an assistant in the room. I think it’s kind of weird and a waste of resources.

    • Law?

      I live in CA, and there is always another nurse-type person in the room when my GYN does my examination. I always assumed it was a state law, passed in the time when most GYNs were male, to protect against assault or improper behavior. Anyone know?

    • elz

      How horrible. Most OB/GYN offices have a policy of having a female assistant on hand. As a healthcare attorney, it’s more often for CYA than standard of care reasons (in case there are any complaints about what the doctor did/didn’t do). My OB/GYN is male, so I obviously don’t mind him. But, if there were a male assistant? Oh Hell No.

      Way to go for being an advocate for your care.

    • SF Bay Associate

      I couldn’t care less if my gyno was male or female, any more than I care if my massage therapist is male or female. I’ve seen both, and usually can get an appointment sooner because many women insist on a female doctor. There’s nothing I have that a male doctor hasn’t seen a hundred times before.

      • mamabear

        Make it a thousand times before.

        My mom was actually shocked that I had a female OB! She said, “I don’t know if I’d be comfortable with a female touching me like that.” For realz.

        But when I had my first child, my mom was in the room, and she later said, “Oh, I get it. Small hands.”

        Bingo!

        • Monday

          I know that male doctors are no strangers to anything I have. The issue is that I felt uncomfortable regardless. I wish it weren’t so, and maybe it will change at some point, but that’s how I feel about it.

          • a.

            This. I mean, can’t say that won’t change if/when I start popping out babies, because in that case I would see ensuring a healthy delivery to be more important than my personal comfort level–but for now, I just straight up feel more comfortable discussing my reproductive health with a woman.

            And for everyone whose female OB/GYNs have projected their own experiences onto you–that is the sign of someone who is not a good doctor, and would not be a good doctor regardless of his or her gender. Not trying to downplay your experiences, but my two OB/GYNs have both been female, are have treated me with non-judgemental, compassionate, down-to-earth professionalism.

        • mamabear

          Another point is that when/if one starts having babies, or even if a non reproducer ends up in the hospital with “female” issues, you get whichever doc in the group is on call. My OB’s practice is all women, but they share a call group with a neighboring practice. So my babies were all delivered by different doctors, none of whom were my primary OB.

          And as others have said, at that moment it really didn’t matter. In fact, my third was delivered by the resident because the on-call OB from my group didn’t get there in time.

  5. Latina

    Good morning!

    Can we please talk about the Clarisonic? I just got mine this week and love it. There is such a good deal on QVC’s site. Any pointers from those who use it? Any good/bad results? My skin feels so smooth and I feel like my makeup is more even this morning. I have combo skin w/ monthly breakouts.

    Also is anyone can find any previous posts where it is discussed .. please guide me. I have been searching but haven’t found much.

    • Supra

      I purchased a Clairsonic Mia about two months ago and its fantastic. I try to use it once a day (usually at night to remove make-up). I use it with the Sephora brand foaming cleanser/make-up remover rather than the cleanser it came it. It was worth every cent. My skin has qiute literally never looked better.

      I also find that anti-aging type mousturizers and serums work better when applied after using the Clairsonic.

    • Barrister in the Bayou

      I purchased my Clarisonic Plus through QVC as well and I love it! The Bliss face wash works really well with it. I also use the body brush for my KP and I get pretty good results. I feel like my skin responds so much better to what I put on it now.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I’ve never paid attention to the clarisonic discussions since luckily my skin is pretty clear without requiring me to do much. I have awful KP though. It used to just be on the back of my arms, but now is on my forearms as well. How often do you use it for your KP? Do you just use the brush or add any product to it? Does that make a difference by itself or are you following up with something else? Sorry for the 20 questions but I’ve never been able to get mine under control.

    • N.

      The Clarisonic is on my Christmas list! Here’s hoping I’ll be raving along with you in a few weeks.

      • Latina

        I got my mom one for Christmas when I purchased mine. I was so excited to give it to her that I just had it mailed to her and told her to open it asap! She loves it too.

    • jcb

      Just be careful! When you first get it, it’s all exciting bc it makes your skin feel so smooth and great. But, I totally overdid it by using it every day and a week later my skin was all dry and irritated. If your skin is at all sensitive, I’d recommend that you start out slow! I’ve found that I really just need to use it once a week (I use it to exfoliate once on the weekend, and use an alpha hydroxy acid to exfoliate once midweek).

      • Cee

        ^^ Second this. I like my clarisonic. I’ve had the Mia about two months. I’ve found that I have to be careful not to overdo it. My skin was getting dry and irritated and I realized that it was because I was overexfoliating. I’ve scaled it back to about 4 times a week rather than every day. And I moisturize like the dickens afterwards. I’ll be switching from the sensitive to the delicate brush when it is time for a changeup at the end of the month. I use the brush with my drugstore Vanicream cleanser, which is one of the few cleansers my skin can tolerate.

        I kind of wish I had splurged for the one with the body brush rather than the Mia. I have KP on my arms and legs and I can see that this would really help that.

  6. momentsofabsurdity

    I find shawl collars like this tend to make me look top heavy/broad shouldered (curse you shoulders…) but it does look wonderfully cozy.

  7. Me

    Threadjack: DH and I are getting ready to purchase a house and we need to overhaul our financial recordkeeping. Right now, we don’t budget and we don’t track expenses, and buying this house is going to force us to do both. Can anyone recommend a good software or app to budget and track expenses – preferably something fairly easy to use?

    • TCFKAG

      We use Quicken. I don’t run it, my husband does, but it seems pretty easy to use.

      Before I merged my finances with the hubby, I used Mint and its basically the same. But for Mint, I found the “budget” they suggested was a bit out of synch with my actual spending. I think the best way to budget is to spend a couple months just living your life and tracking your expenses and then see where you are. Then you can prioritize your spending and decide what you can realistically cut.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I use software called You Need a Budget. It’s really straightforward and easy to use. The only downside is that you can’t directly link your accounts, but I find it keeps me more accountable in sticking to a budget when I have to manually enter transactions. It only takes me a few minutes every few days to do that. They have a free trial, which I think is now 30 days but might still be 7.

      Good luck with the house purchase!

  8. Lala

    Can we talk about the fact that I’m apparently supposed to be wearing giant sweaters on first dates? I’ve been doing it wrong apparently with my LBDs…

    • Anon

      I was shocked that this is what I should be wearing on first dates :) I get leaving something to the imagination on a first date…but if you are internet dating or blind dating, most men want to know if you are fat or not (just being blunt) and something that makes you look fatter than you are is usually not going to score points.

      • Seattleite

        OTOH, any man who can’t tell the difference between ‘more weight than I’d like in a woman’ and ‘loose flowy sweater’ is probably too stupid to be a viable date anyway. Wear it on the first date and weed him out early!

        • Em

          Yeah, first dates aren’t just about men evaluating us – we get to weed out the clear losers too.

        • Anon

          Hmm. I don’t think its a sign of stupidity. The model does look large and I’m sure she’s tiny.

          • Seattleite

            See, I don’t think she looks large. Check out the size of her hands compared to her upper arm, how close to her zipper her fingers would be if they weren’t bent, and the visible hollow in her throat. To me, all that information = slender woman+loose fitting top layer.

          • Anon

            She’s clearly not large, but I think this falls into the same category as a baggy sweatshirt or too large pants in terms of whether it flatters the figure. Its the “I feel fat and want to hide” sweater, not the “I’ve been working out and feel awesome and want people to know it” sweater.

            Realistically, everyone has the “I feel fat and want to hide” days — but I wouldn’t base my dating wardrobe around them.

      • Kelly

        Where I live, it would look absurd if I wore an LBD do date. I haven’t been on a first date in like a year, but I wore a cute sweater, skinny jeans and flat boots, which is/was my typical fall/winter first date outfit. I don’t live in an urban environment and I tend to date slightly nerdy yet rough and tumble guys. FWIW I’ve never not gotten a second date that I wanted.

        I prob wouldn’t wear this on a first date if I lived in a big city, was going to a nicer establishment and knew the guy was more metro.

        • Lyssa

          I would agree. With the caveat that I haven’t “dated” since college, I just don’t see people going on first dates to places that you would wear at LBD – I think that it would look like you were trying too hard. (I’m not trying to say that wearing one would be wrong, just that I don’t think it’s the norm around here.) Flattering jeans or slacks, or a casual dress would be more normal (and a date to a casual restuarant or a movie, not a fancy restuarant or a show).

          So, for winter, this sweater, with a flattering top (maybe a little bit form-fitting or low cut, since the sweater kind of balances that out) and a really great pair of dark jeans and heels would be a great first date outfit, as far as I’m concerned.

    • TCFKAG

      Probably has to do with what you’re doing on your first dates. If your first dates tend to be coffee dates or dinners at more casual dinners, you’d look pretty out of place in your LBD.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      I wear cozy sweaters all the time, including on first dates (unless they are to something/somewhere fancy). I think cozy sexy can be quite appealing, to be honest.

    • Lala

      This is all good to know. I may have come off snarkier than I intended–I really was curious about what everyone else wears! My first dates are usually drinks in a trendy neighborhood in a major city, to be fair.

      • Anon

        I tend to wear fitted jeans and something that is not big and bulk on the top.

        I see this as the equivalent for a guy of an untucked shirt. He’s hiding a gut. Now, that doesn’t mean he gets ruled out. This is screams “I’m hiding my body”. Note, a not humongous sweater does not scream that.

    • AIMS

      I don’t think a LBD is necessary on a first date. Depending on where you’re going, it might be overkill in my opinion. I am a firm believer in not looking like you’re trying too hard on early dates, and so unless it was a somewhat formal occasion/restaurant, I’d avoid an LBD, personally. Being slightly casual has always worked well for me, but maybe it’s my personality.

      That said, I would not wear this sweater on a first date unless that date was studying in the library and not actually a date. I haven’t “first dated” in a bit, but it might be a fun topic to discuss everyone’s go-to date outfit. Back in the day, my go-to usually involved my favorite pair of jeans and a low key but sexy top (maybe something off shoulder), hair loose & down, sandals or cute boots, and some dangly earrings and/or layered necklaces.

      • momentsofabsurdity

        My first-date go-to outfit (at least in fall/winter):

        Favorite pair of skinny jeans, which have a bit of sparkle on the back pockets
        Tank top with black and white flowy sheer top over it — I get the flowy sweetness to it, but the sheerness makes it clear that I’m not actually that size!
        Boots with or without high heels, depending on the height of the date in question
        Hair loose, down, maybe with a bit of a wave
        Dangly earrings
        Eyes but not lips

      • Midwest Attorney

        FWIW, my personality is on the more casual side and I live in a casual city but I can’t think of anywhere that a first date would take me here that a LBD would be more appropriate than this sweater. You’d even be overdressed in a LBD at the symphony here! I’d completely wear this sweater on a first date with a feminine shirt underneath, great jeans, and ballet flats. I think it comes off as conservative yet touchable… I also haven’t first-dated in a while, but agree with Kat and think that something very similar to this would be my go-to outfit as well.

      • Cat

        I haven’t been on a first date in almost 10 years — but my go-to was jeans (flares, because that’s what was trendy), either with wedge heels for summer or black boots for winter, with either a cami (for summer) or a casual-sexy top. Which was occasionally a tight turtleneck, b/c I look great in them!

    • MelD

      ? I see this sweater as just a jacket substitute, not necessarily something I’d wear the whole time on a first date. I would not wear a LBD on a first date as that just seems way too formal for almost any standard date. Even if I were going to drinks somewhere trendy, I’d probably go for cute skinny jeans/boots or something along that vein.

      • Diana Barry

        Ditto. It seems too big and not sexy for your only top on a date, unless you are wearing a cami or tank underneath.

        Back in the day, I used to wear something fitted (tshirt or tank) with a sweater/cardigan over (which I would prob take off if I liked the guy), and low-rise bootcut pants and big wedge shoes (this was 2000!).

    • conbrio

      I love this sweater for a first date, with a camisole like the model is wearing – you’d feel all soft and sexy, and depending on how the date was going you could either let it open up a little or pull it closed around you. A perfect communication tool!

    • MissJackson

      Holy. This discussion makes me so glad that I don’t have to “first date” anymore.

    • Anonymous

      Depends where you live and who you’re going on dates with! And, of course, where they’re taking you to DINNER. I’m offended when the first “date” is drinks only. That’s not a date; it’s a screening interview.

      • anonymiss

        And sometimes that is the most appropriate length of time for a first date. To be fair, I’ve been on some first dates so bad that 1 drink felt too long.

      • a.

        I will go ahead and say I respectfully disagree with this. First dates kind of are, in fact, kind of like screening interviews–and if you, within ten minutes of sitting down to dinner, realize that your date has flunked and you have no interest in staring at the person across the table for the next hour, you are stuck.

        Drinks, on the other hand, can take as much or as little time as you and your date wish them to. Depending on the time, they can also segue smoothly into a meal. So…yay for drinks, yay for screening.

        • Drinks first

          When my fiancé invited me out for the first time, I suggested drinks at a local restaurant. After an hour or so, he asked if I’d like to have dinner. I thought “oh, he must think this is going well.” I did, too, so I said yes. Years later, he told me that he didn’t know about the drinks only/screening issue, and he just assumed I meant drinks to be followed by dinner. He had been recently divorced after a long marriage and out of the dating pool since the early 1980s!

      • Legendary

        There should be a lemon law for first dates, where you get a five minute window to walk away if you decide you don’t like the person.

        • EM

          Who says you can’t? A coworker later told me that one day when I was out of the office, our boss came back from a lunch date all pissy because his date walked out on him after only 10 minutes. ROFL.

        • Alanna of Trebond

          I love How I Met Your Mother!

          Yay!! Amazing that Barney got lemon law’d too.

    • Jas

      I’ve never worn anything as dressed up as a LBD on a first date, but I’m in a casual area. I prefer the “oh I forgot I had a date when I got dressed this morning. I just put on whatever and why yes, I do look absolutely fantastic in it!”

      That said, my first date with my current boyfriend was during the middle of a work day so I was wearing a grey shift dress and heels and the first thing he said was “oh good, you’re dressed up too”

  9. a.

    Okay, this has been driving me nuts, and for various reasons none of my real-life homegirls have been available to help me with a post-mortem. I was at a tacky holiday party over the weekend, rocking out my mother’s argyle Christmas vest from 1993, when I saw a gentleman across the room in even more fantastic attire. Think mock turtleneck covered in glittery snowmen and red-and-green plaid pants. I’m sure you can understand why I couldn’t resist approaching him—purely to compliment him on the tastefulness and subtle class of his ensemble, not because he was at all foxy. While we were talking, the party was winding down, his friends were leaving, he said “We should go running sometime!”, we kind of stared at each other waiting for the other person to initiate number-exchanging, both of us wimped out, and we agreed to Facebook each other. Sigh.

    The next day I put on my Big Girl Hat, friended him, and said I was going running in a local park at X time if he wanted to join me. He did. We ran. He turned out to be really easy to talk to, funny, smart, interesting, and still foxy without the mock turtleneck. After the run, we lingered a bit in the parking lot, and he said to let him know the next time I’ll be in town (not a resident of the city where we met, but due to a combination of family, friends, traveling for work, and living in the middle of nowhere, I’m there every other weekend) so we could go running again.

    Was this a date? I didn’t feel like he was flirting with me very much during the run, but then, I suck at flirting, so. And we were running—it wasn’t like we were sitting in a restaurant with low lights and mood music, where I could flutter my eyelashes at him. How would you interpret the request to go running in the future? As an “I want to hang out with this girl” thing? Or an “I’m supposed to be running a marathon this spring and am struggling to motivate myself, and this girl is a bonkers running overachiever who will get me out the door” thing? Either way, I’ll be letting him know (with my phone) when I’ll be around again, because he seemed cool, but—sigh. Help.

    • Lucy

      That sounds awesome! If, of course, unclear.

      Given that you FB friended him, perhaps you can pay a little bit of attention there and see whether he’s got a girlfriend. In your (running) shoes I’d set up another running buddy date, and then if you’re in town for the whole weekend invite him out with friends for a drink. If he’s interested that seems like it would be a clear signal for him to show up in non-Christmas-sweater attire and be charming, etc.

      • a.

        Ha, you know my ways–I am the champion of the FB stalk, and it turned up no girlfriend-like-people. Not even a girl who is in a lot of his recent pictures.

    • Monday

      Proceed in the manner that you want to proceed. Even if it WAS a date and you’re NOT interested, you go running again because he’s cool. Even if it WAS NOT a date and you ARE interested, you go running again to get to know him better, and for an opportunity to shift to a more date-conducive setting for next time. Don’t worry so much about what anything means thus far. Chances are he has just as ambiguous a sense of it as you do.

      • a.

        This is exactly what I needed to hear. Thank you!

        And actually, I can hear my the voice of my best friend, who is currently traveling without a cell phone, saying all of it.

        • Monday

          Incorrect. I am currently at my desk, as usual, and my phone is sitting right here at my elbow.

          Just kidding! Glad to help! Keep us posted.

        • Anon

          yeah, I guess my first thought was does it matter? If you like him and enjoyed running with him, do it again. Then, as you get to know each other better, you will see if there is chemistry, availability and interest in anything more. If not, you at least have a new friend.

      • Diana Barry

        Ditto!

        I had a couple running dates with a guy back in law school. Having thought about it afterwards, he was shy but getting me to date him stealthily. :)

        • goirishkj

          My husband did something similar, except it was skiing and he thought it was a good idea to invite other friends. I didn’t realize it was supposed to be a stealth date until well after we were actually dating! So yeah, another ditto :)

    • Anonymous

      A date = intention. Wooing. Someone wants someone else and lets them know so, tries to win them.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      I think it was a date. I think if a guy goes out of his way to hang out with you (what, none of his friends run?) and feels awkward about the number exchange and suggests another meeting, it’s pretty damn close to a date.

    • non

      Keep the running “date”, but also throw out plans for more of a “date” date situation (dinner, drinks) and see if he bites. If not – keep to the running, and if that keeps happening, mention drinks/dinner/date in another couple weeks.

    • North Shore

      My husband and I got to know each other by training for a race together. We were both runners, and I think I suggested it to him, sort of as a way to have something to plan together. This is probably not the best time of year for you to try to plan a race with him, but just an idea.

    • Woods-comma-Elle

      *HUGE GENERALISATION WARNING – meant in jest*

      A Californian friend of mine would say they don’t date on the West Coast, you just hang out and see what happens so if this was on the West Coast it may well have been a date. If on the East Coast, my East Coast friends would say it definitely wasn’t.

      I don’t know about the middle, sorry.

      • Anonymous

        Haha. I’m in California and I’ve heard that, too. But there are plenty of guys who know how to plan real dates.

      • Amy H.

        I’m in Northern California and this saying *exactly* matches my experience with dating in San Francisco. Ended my “dating” life by marrying my now-husband, who’s from NYC and whom I met when he lived there and I was visiting. . . .

    • Homestar

      Wow, this situation is ambiguous. I know a lot of runners who would happily take up an invitation to run with someone of either gender and not see it as romantic at all. (Although if you are both single, surely the thought that you might be interested crossed his mind?) You’ve gotten good advice here to go running again and look for opportunities to shift to a date scenario. If he is shy, you may just need to suggest dinner and drinks and go from there.

    • mamabear

      Send him a message on fB saying that running with him is cool and all, but you really want an opportunity to see him in that divine turtleneck one more time. Maybe drinks, but soon, because after Christmas that turtleneck will have to go into storage until next year.

      Or something like that.

      • Always a NYer

        I love that approach! Funny and casual while still hinting at a date. And you have to use that turtleneck line, it’s priceless =p

      • a.

        oh my lord, I am so tempted to do this…really guys, I cannot even convey to you what a vision he was in his Christmas duds. There were the aforementioned turtleneck and pants (I didn’t mention the fact that they were bell bottoms, though!), but there was also a red puffy vest (obviously a different red from the red in the plaid pants) with a pin of a sledding snowman, and a giant knit hat. It’s a wonder I even noticed his face.

    • Lola

      See, I’m going to chime in an say it was a date.

      I had a boyfriend one time, who I introduced to a girlfriend who was a dentist, because he needed a dentist. Two root canals and a jog later, I was out a boyfriend and a dentist.

      If you suck at flirting, maybe he was flirting with you? Maybe he sucks at flirting too, and was doing the best he could.

      (You kind of remind me of my gorgeous but clueless cousin, who has men falling over her all the time. She never gets it and thinks they are all just being nice and platonic. No. They want to sleep with you.)

      Go for it.

  10. j

    Threadjack: I need help picking a $10 or less gift for my office holiday party on Friday. It’s one of those deals where you open and then can trade with others, so it needs to be generic enough to work for anyone in the office (my office is a mix of genders and ages).

    I could always get a starbucks gift card, but I thought it would be more fun to try to find something cooler. I happened upon these cute gloves at target which work for touchscreen phones, but they are probably too feminine for the men.

    Any ideas?

    • Anon

      We do this too, so here are some ideas–a “travel size” game, a book about your city or area or any other topic of general interest, a mug with a box of tea, a USB plug-in accessory like a heating pad for a coffee mug or a keyboard vacuum or smartphone charger, tin of peppermint bark or other goodies, gingerbread house kit, page a day calendar like a crossword or cartoon calendar, small toolkit or multitool.

    • Anon Canadian

      I tend to get things that I wouldn’t mind getting in a secret/stealing santa situation. Last year I got a really lovely picture frame with a large border that could be signed and no one really fought for it. This year I got another picture frame this time it’s silvertone with a quote about how family. I think those are things that look lovely in your office.

    • MelD

      Multitools are great, especially those Allen wrench tools. You may also want to try a small office plant (good for low-light areas, like bamboo), some of those “as seen on TV” items from Bed Bath or similar store, etc.

    • AIMS

      For office gifts, I usually go to a store called Pylones (various locations in NYC and online) and get something along the lines of a fish stapler or crocodile staple remover. I have also gone with a small cactus in a colorful pot (from, like, KMart).

    • Godzilla

      I’m interested in this as well – ours is $20 or less. I want to get something hilarious (people usually get wine/vodka or a gift card). All I’ve thought of so far is a pillow pet.

      • AIMS

        Snuggy?
        I feel like people may actually secretly want one (I know I kind of do). You can definitely find them on sale in the <$20 range.

        • a.

          FWIW, the fact that I want a snuggy is not a secret from anyone, I’m just too shy to be seen buying one.

        • Godzilla

          Ironically enough, I got my first Snuggie at our holiday party and it started a Snuggie collection at my house. Seriously, best tv-watching companion, ever. Spring for the “deluxe” version, so much nicer. Also, I bought a red Snuggie at Lord & Taylor’s – yay 20% off coupon.

      • KW

        I think this year’s Snuggie is the Forever Lazy. When I first saw the commercials I thought it was a joke, but apparently not. They are on sale at Bed, Bath & Beyond for $19.95. Hilarious.

    • ML

      Stuff you can eat always seem to be popular at those things. Chocolates, (cheap) wine, (nicer) beer (maybe a couple of individudal bottles?), a pound of nice coffee, a few bags of loose leaf tea- maybe with a mug if you can find one on sale, candy of some kind. One time my husband brought a summer sausage (like a big salami) and a little cutting board to one of those things and it was a big hit.

    • Anon

      chocolates from trader joes is what husband and i just got for same purpose, tied ribbons on them, they are nice.

    • TechAnon

      $10 worth of lottery tickets. Probably useless, but potentially wonderful. They will be traded over and over again…

    • mamabear

      CHIA PET! My husband brought the human head chia pet to his white elephant exchange at work, and his was the most fought-over gift.

  11. Seattleite

    If your office is up for a little humor, KnockKnock makes funny notepads with titles such as “Things you to do p!ss me off” and “Intervention” (with subheadings: Offender; Offensive Behavior; Remedial Action). I’ve seen them both on Amazon and, I think, Urban Outfitters.

  12. Anon

    I’m a 3rd year associate in a mid size firm in a major city. I’m interviewing today at another mid size firm just outside the city.

    Any ideas of questions you would ask the interviewer? I do litigation and the new position is in a slightly different field, though still very litigation heavy.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      No suggestions, just throwing out how much I hate asking the interviewer questions. Most questions I have I’ve figured out before applying for the job/interviewing. I rarely have good questions and it’s the part of interviews I suck the most at, because when I DO have a question about something, I find the answer to it and then there’s no need to ask the interviewer.

      • Anon

        Exactly! Or they answer all my questions while we are talking in the interview and so I have I have to try to make up new questions on the fly.

        Though oddly this firm’s web site is under construction (and has been down since I applied for the job about a week and a half ago). So information about their structure, size, practice groups, etc is not readily available. I guess given the time crunch + lack of resources I feel slightly unprepared. Luckily, I currently have a job so this is just exploring options.

    • An

      Ask about how new cases are assigned and how supervision is handled. Ask about training opportunities. Ask how long people typically stay at the firm.

      • another anon

        Agreed with the first two suggestions, but I think asking how long people typically stay at the firm might be taken the wrong way. I see what An is getting at — i.e., you want to know if the associates are happy — but I could see an interviewer taking this to mean that you are looking for something short term and would not be in it for the long haul. I think you are better off trying to get this information by asking associates about how their mentoring/training/etc has been. Of course they aren’t going to come out and trash the place if something isn’t so great, but you will probably be able to tell if they are happy or not by their answers. I would also ask any support staff you meet how long they have been there–support staff being around for a long time is a good sign, because firms that tend to treat support staff well will generally also treat associates well. Good luck!

        • anon

          I disagree with this — I think it’s a good question to ask as so many firms are “up or out.” Depending on the OP’s goals, you can couch the questions that you ask — as in “I’m looking for a firm to learn at/be mentored/stay for a while, what is the average tenure of associates here? Do associates typically become of counsel or partners?” The answer to this question can be really telling.

          Personally, all my questions during interviews are geared to find out what the place is like to work at. What’s the manager (or partner’s) style, what are the people like, do they work well together, are there difficult personalities, what’s the culture of the organization, etc. This is the stuff that really makes/breaks a job & I’ve found people rarely lie. Best time to avoid a mistake is when interviewing.

      • Nonny

        My approach is always to ask how long support staff have been there. Frankly, if the environment isn’t good at the firm, in this economy the support staff are going to bail before the lawyers.

    • Anon

      My rule of thumb is to ask a question that shows you’re thinking about your future at the firm or organization….i.e. in an interview for a government position recently I asked what they thought the biggest challenges were for their office in the next five years. Not sure how this might translate for a law firm as opposed to a gov. org., but they responded really well to the question, and I got some insights about what working there might really be like.

      • Along these lines

        Ask how they expect their mix of clients to change in the next five years. (Don’t ask what their mix of clients is now because you should know that already.)

    • Jesse

      I like asking the interviewer about his/her work history and how they like their current position. It’s great informal mentoring and gives you an idea of the work environment/culture.

    • karenpadi

      I do more interviewing these days and I think it’s a red flag if the candidate doesn’t have any questions at the end of the interview. It indicates that the candidate isn’t all that interested or enthusiastic about the firm.

      We bring in only competitive candidates so we expect them to be picky. We want to impress the candidates as much as they want to impress us.

      I usually leave half of the interview for the candidate’s questions. The better questions I’ve heard are “Why do you work here?”, “What do you like most about the firm?”, “What about the firm were you most nervous about when you started?”, “If you could change one thing about the firm, what would it be?”, “What is the firm looking forward to next year?”, “How is work assigned?”, “How does a paperless office work?” (They read the website!), and “How does the firm maintain clients and attract new ones?”.

  13. Pinky

    Another question for the collective wisdom of Corporette readers:
    Have any of you had experience with online/internet framing?

    I’ve asked my parents to have my undergrad and law school diplomas and bar certificate/license framed for Christmas and would like them to look nice but don’t see the need(?) to pay for professional customized framing.

    I tried using Google and there are several “discount” online framers and I see Walmart and Michael’s does this as well – just wondering if anyone has done this before or would seriously recommend going the professional route if I plan to have these up in my office for years to come.

    I thought there had been some rather recent comments on this topic and tried searching to no avail.

    TIA.

      • non

        And they (Michaels and JoAnns) usually have a 50 or 60% off coupon in their weekly circular.

    • Anon

      Also had one done at Michael’s – they have 50% off framing coupons all the time – I was happy with it, and its lasted 4 years now

    • Two Cents

      Consider going the professional route. I bought my diploma frames from the company that does all university framing – can’t remember the name, but the frames will actually have your undergrad and law school engraved on the frame and the school’s seal. They are pricey, something like $200-$250 each, but in my opinion totally worth it. You’re likely going to hang your diplomas in your office for the next 30 years, so I thought it was an excellent investment.

      • conbrio

        At my law school you can order frames like this through the bookstore – one for your diploma with the name of the school and the school’s seal, and one for your admission certificate with the state’s seal and name. They’re both $169.95 and look very nice. Maybe see if your school does the same thing.

    • MissJackson

      I’ve had quite a few things framed at Michaels recently, and I’ve been pleased. It’s always “60% off” which is essentially a trick to make you think you’re getting an even better deal.

      For my diplomas, I personally really liked the frames sold by my educational institutions that have the university seal in the matting. And, FWIW, I don’t think that these diploma frames cost much more than it will cost you for custom framing.

    • JessC

      I don’t know about on-line, but I had mine done at JoAnns and they turned out lovely (though not cheap…).

  14. Party Animal

    It’s that time of year. Do other people have holiday parties during the workday? Ours is going to be 3 hours, with the rest of the day likely reserved for setting up and breaking down everything from the party. I feel like this is on the excessive side, but am wondering what everyone else’s workplace does. The party has several stations, so I guess that gives everyone time to go from station to station.

    • Godzilla

      Yep, this is what we do, as well. It’s potluck and we really look forward to our White Elephant game. So much more fun than Secret Santa.

    • Seattleite

      Ours starts at noon. We work during the morning and then go have a lovely lunch w/booze & a white elephant game. It ends about 3, and only rarely do people go back to the office afterwards. It’s also always on one of the last work days before Christmas, so we all feel better about checking out for the afternoon.

    • Nonny

      Ours is a lunch, and though the senior partner tells everyone they can stay out afterwards, he and his secretary always go back to the office immediately after lunch so everyone else feels obligated to do so as well. Frankly, I’m not really looking forward to it. It has been the same for years and years (before I came to this firm) and needs shaking up.

  15. Anon

    3 piece suits help a lot- if you can get a skirt/dress and pants, that has a lot more versatility in stretching it out.

  16. anon for this

    Threadjack-
    You all provided such great advice regarding difficult family members at Thanksgiving that I’m hoping you can help me.
    My father in law has a problem recognizing boundaries in relationships, especially with my husband. My FIL takes “living vicariously through his son” to a whole new level. Since my husband was in high school, his father has taken over all of my husband’s activities and accomplishments as his own ( e.g., going to all of his sports rehearsals, not just games). My husband resents that he can’t have anything that is his own and has a strained relationship with his father because of it. My MIL recognizes this and tries to intervene, but has no effect on my FIL. He feels that everyone else is being uptight. He regularly posts all sorts of personal information about family members, friends and neighbors (to include medical conditions) on FB with no regard to discretion.
    My husband and I are expecting our first child and his dad’s history of behavior is causing both of us a lot of anxiety. Specifically, my husband thinks that his dad is going to take over the pregnancy and baby as if it is his own. We told my in-laws that I was pregnant, but since I was only a few weeks along we only told close family and asked them not to tell anyone. We also stressed that this was our news to share and we wanted to decide with whom and when we share our news. A couple of weeks later my husband stopped by my FIL’s office only to be greeted by “congratulations on the baby” from my FIL’s coworkers. My FIL’s response to my husband was “I’m so excited I just couldn’t help myself and besides, they won’t tell anyone.” I feel like our trust has been betrayed and I am anxious of what is to come during the rest of my pregnancy and beyond. We are planning to announce the pregnancy to the rest of our extended family at Christmas, but we are very concerned that this will give FIL free reign to tell everyone in the world “our news.” I know he is excited about being a grandpa, but he doesn’t recognize that this is our journey and not his own. I feel that this could be a point of no return for my husband, but I’m not sure what else to do to make my FIL recognize boundaries. Suggestions?

    • Godzilla

      I feel like this is such a Hax question. From my inexpert opinion, I think you have to set the boundaries and enforce them. Try to orient your interactions with him to your desired outcome, not your hopes. You know his MO – he can’t keep info to himself so don’t tell him. It’s hard, because he’s such close family but you gotta do what you gotta do. Good luck.

      • non

        I agree with it being a Hax question (Friday is the online chat/discussion, starting at noon, eastern time), so you might consider submitting there.

        But in an effort to channel Hax – Stop telling him things. He’s abused his privilege regarding inside information, so don’t tell him anything that you wouldn’t want the rest of the world to know. And if he gets offended, then you tell him that why. And repeat as necessary.

    • KK

      What a jerk. At this point, unfortunately, I’m not sure there is much you can do except hope that everything goes well with the pregnancy.

      I would suggest that if/when you have another child (or similar news), don’t tell him until you tell the general public. He has forfeited his right to be one of the first to know. It is normal and prudent to not announce a pregnancy until after the first trimester, and he really has no excuse for not honoring that, excited or not.

      I also think it is common to not even tell parents/close relatives until after first trimester. My sister has always done it that way- even I didn’t know until 12 weeks. My FIL is a bit of a gossip too and I could definitely see him telling the world about it in a fit of exuberance, so we won’t be telling him until 12 weeks when the time comes for us either. That’s what I would do next time if I were you.

      This time, I think you just need to hope for the best and try not to stress about it. You should certainly let him know that he made a serious error in judgment, in your view. But you can’t get that cat back in the bag. You have enough to stress about right now, I would try to accept what has already been done and move on.

    • Jenny

      I think the bad history your husband has with FIL may be clouding his (and your) judgement on this pregnancy issue. Honestly, once news is out, it’s out, and I don’t think it’s fair to tell people and then ask them to keep it a secret. I think that is especially truly where you already had concerns about FIL and his ability to respect your wishes. So my advice is to let the “news” issue go and focus on how you are going to manage him through the rest of the pregnancy and after the child is born. Part of this effort should be to set him up for success by not telling him secrets you know he won’t keep or putting him in situations where you know he will probably behave inappropriately.

      • AIMS

        I agree. I have no idea what the past issues are, but I don’t think that sharing your news with his coworkers is so unreasonable — he just seems excited. I’d take an over excited grandpa over a couldn’t care less one anyday.

        I think others are on point re: don’t share what you don’t want to be shared but I’d also add that maybe this is something you need to loosen up about. Not that you’re not entitled to your feelings, but this is a family member who obviously seems to love your husband and is excited for you. So he’s a bit overzealous — there are worst problems out there. Set boundaries where you must, but a new baby seems like it may not be the most appropriate occasion. It’s not like he’s trying to videotape your delivery. He’s just excited to share the happy news.

    • Circe

      I really really don’t mean to sound harsh, but what made you think it was a good idea to tell him in the first place? I mean, with that history, you need to stop treating him like people think you “should” treat fathers/FILs, and instead do everything you can to keep a distance. You can’t “make people recognize boundaries.” The only thing you can do is change your behaviour around them and your interactions with them. He’s made it pretty clear that he won’t respect boundaries. Adjust what you do accordingly.

      • TechAnon

        This.

        I had to take a huge step backwards with my mother because of her boundary issues. At this point, I don’t tell her anything personal. Sound harsh? It would be if she had even noticed. People with serious boundary issues are really very wrapped up in themselves and don’t view things the same way you do. I noticed the changes, though, and it is so much easier to be around her now that I’m not worried that she will say something inappropriate about my life.

        • Hel-lo

          Yes, TechAnon.

          Similarly true for people that talk all the time: they don’t notice if you’re not listening.

      • My Father

        @Circe — You seem good with father advice. Can I ask you:

        My father told me three years ago that he never wanted to see me again. Before that, he had done lots of mean things to me (example: telling his then wide during their then divorce that he would help her arrange things so that I never was in contact again with “her children” (aka my half siblings). Now, when, on the rare occasion, he asks me to come see him and I politely decline, he has taken to saying that I clearly have designed my life so that I won’t see him before he dies (he is 73; I am45) and that it is my fault that I am ruining our relationship after all he did for me. He did do many good things for me growing up: endless opportunities, fancy schools, etc. but when I started disagreeing with him in my late 30/, it went bad.

        Any suggestions? I feel so guilty. But I know that re-engaging with him will lead to chaos and being forced to bend to his will.

      • AN

        Agree. My inlaws are also very excited about anything to do with babies/pregnancy etc and when we told them, we specifically requested they NOT tell anyone till the 2nd trimester was done. To my utter surprise, they honoured this promise. So, no – it’s not unreasonable to expect this.

        But in your case, you did have enough warning to not expect it. So I would (1) make my displeasure clear maybe to MIL, who could pass on the message? and (2) not divulge big news in future to him if I wanted it kept a secret

    • been there done that

      This may be blunt, but in my experience it’s true: when you tell someone a secret and ask them to keep it confidential, MOST PEOPLE will tell others, but will do so in a way that they think you would not find out (ie: tell people in their own social groups that do not overlap with yours, or tell their SOs).

      To avoid this problem, either don’t tell anyone until you are ready to tell everyone or stop caring that people you barely know are informed as to intimate details of your life.

      Not knowing your FIL I would give him the benefit of the doubt and assume he told his coworkers because he was so happy/excited. That may not be true. At any rate the cat is out of the bag, so moving fwd I would just try to accept it, appreciate their good wishes, and hope for a safe/healthy pregnancy.

    • Can't wait to quit

      To the taking over of hobbies and activities – why doesn’t your husband just find something he enjoys and then NOT share it with his father. As a grown man, he’s certainly entitled to not tell his parents everything.

      To the taking over the pregnancy – your FIL is obviously excited, and the cat is out of bag on the happy news, but as long as you don’t tell him who your OB is and what time the appointments are – I don’t see how he can really take it over. He may buy baby things you don’t like or need, but those could discreetly go to charity once the baby is “done with them”.

      When you go into labor, you are not obligated to call your FIL – why not wait to call until the baby is actually born and you have had a chance to nap and brush your hair?

      Perhaps your husband could use a session or two with someone who could coach him on polite assertiveness so he doesn’t give in easily and then feel steamrolled as his dad tries to choose schools, sports, camps, college and bride (or groom) for your baby.

      • KK

        This is an excellent point- do not call him/them when you go into labor. Work this out with your husband beforehand. That way you can have that whole experience (good or bad) to yourself, and they can visit the next day when you are feeling better.

    • Emily I

      My MIL told grand-MIL about our first pregnancy after we’d told her that we’d be calling G-MIL ourselves on Mother’s Day in 2 weeks. Then we got a call in the afternoon of mother’s day from MIL informing us that G-MIL had been sitting by the phone all day waiting for us to call to tell her the news (that MIL had told her 2 weeks earlier). They were both mad at us for being “late” with our call. MIL was not informed of our next 2 pregnancies when we were ready for everyone in the world to know.

      Now you know how your FIL will act, so you have to modify your behavior accordingly. You can’t change him, and being angry isn’t going to do anything but upset you. Move on, and good luck!

      • anon for this

        Thank you all for your advice and maybe I will check out Hax on Friday. I guess we need to start dealing with FIL based on the way he actually acts vs. the way we hope he would act. Thanks, again!

        • NYC

          If it makes you feel better, my own mother (who you would think is capable of respecting my wishes), told half of her town that I was pregnant…I’m realizing I have to let go of some issues or they will drive me insane. Especially with news like this, parents get excited beyond belief. And they totally think it is their news! Not yours. Just let them be happy for you. It helps if you imagine they have the self-control of a 10 year old.

          • NYC

            P.S. Don’t send anyone a baby bumpin’ picture unless you are okay with it going out to the whole universe.

          • Lola

            This is true for aunts and uncles, too. Pregnancy is fantastic news! My brother and sister-in-law live across the country. They told me not to tell anyone, but I told some co-workers. Sorry. It happens.

  17. Lil

    Hopefully this isn’t too late for a threadjack…

    Would you move in with a man who can’t seem to say “I love you?”

    I’ve been dating a terrific guy for over a year now. He has made it clear that he is ready for the next step and wants me to move in. By September, which is when my lease ends. He allegedly “wants to spend the rest of (his) life with (me)” and yet he can’t express love.

    This is a big issue for me since he was a huge tomcat before we met. In my view, he is a great guy to date but a terrible candidate for marriage due to his past. I don’t think I (or any other woman) can make him happy for the long term.

    Am I being unfair? Should I break it off now?

    • Jenny

      Is it important to you to hear “I love you”? Then don’t do it.

      My guy was very reluctant to say it too. We actually made the decision to move in together before we had said it. It was driving me crazy, but I was afraid to bring it up. Finially I did, and I told him I wasn’t going to try to convince him to say it, but I felt that way towards him, I wanted him to know it, and I wanted him to know it was important to me to hear it from him at some point. We had some further discussion about how we define “love” and he said it a few days later. He still isn’t the type to throw it around, but he does say it occasionally during special moments, and it means the world to me.

      So my bottom line is that if it’s important you to and he knows it, but he still can’t or won’t say it, you need to rethink whether you will be satisfied in the relationship in the long term. And if he doesn’t know it’s important to you, tell him and take it from there.

    • mamabear

      Oh hell no you shouldn’t move in with him. That is either ambivalence or some weird sort of passive-agressiveness and you do not need that. Be with a man who loves you with his whole heart now, because long term relationships are hard under any circumstances, and you do not need one with a weak start.

      • karenpadi

        This. I’ve been pondering this comment all day. My first thought was that she’s read as many romance novels as I had and she should let it slide. But I couldn’t put my finger on why it still bugged me. Thanks mamabear for figuring it out for me!

    • been there done that

      BREAK UP. This was my ex. He couldn’t say it because he was selfish and incapable of loving anyone as much as he loved himself. A guy who loves you will make you feel loved all the time because he just can’t help himself. This is my fiance.

      A year is long enough to know whether a relationship is going places. You already know he is a terrible candidate for marriage. Find someone who isn’t.

    • hmmm

      If “In my view, he is a great guy to date but a terrible candidate for marriage due to his past.” then why the hell have you been with him for a year? Move on.

      • GovtMom

        Was about to type a version of this. On a softer note, WHY are you with him and thinking about moving in/taking next steps with him if you think he is a terrible candidate for marriage?

        • Lil

          lol, I need this straight talk.

          To answer your question, GovtMom, I question whether I am being fair in judging his marriageability based solely on his past. The main/only reason I think he is a terrible candidate for marriage is the fact that he was with lots of women. IMO that means he will want variety again one day.

          And honestly, I am getting up there (33) so I am wondering if this is simply the best I can do at my age. It is not like loads of men are lining up to date me. Maybe marriage/family isn’t in the cards, and if that is the case, he and I can have a nice time together for as long as it lasts.

          • Always a NYer

            Reading that makes me incredibly sad. You need to talk with your BF about this and let him know how you feel. While I understand you questioning his committment to monogamy because of his past, has he ever cheated on you? If not, trust that he may be happy with just you and has gotten all his catting around out of his system.

            I don’t think you should ever settle because you think you have no other options. Discuss your concerns with the BF and decide what to do after that. ~hugs~

          • Nancy D

            Makes me sad too. Don’t settle…not at 33 or 43! You deserve someone who is desperately in love with you and wants to demonstrate it.

    • cfm

      I vote absolutely not, especially since you mention the tomcat thing. The guy I dated (two years off and on, love of my life at the time, huge flirt and as it turns out, cheater) never said it, and it was his way (one of many) to keepy me “auditioning” for his love. I agree with mamabear, I think this is a passive aggresive /control thing.

    • Anonymous

      If he can’t seem to, and you need him to, this is no go. Point this out to him evenly, honestly– sadly if it makes you sad. But my goodness, we all have needs, and we all have capabilities/desires, and when they don’t match, we don’t match. On to the person who does, for both of you. If he didn’t know you need to hear it, but feels it, and just thought it was obvious (via actions rather than words, man-style), and tells you so now (newly sensitized to your lady-style), huzzah. No threats or drama, just honest observations and request. If you can’t talk to him, how can you live with him?

    • conbrio

      It sounds like this guy could really benefit from some counseling, and could actually get into a much better place by September if he’s willing to work on himself. But if things stay the way they are, then the answer for me would be no.

    • anon

      I don’t think his inability to say the words “I love you” have anything to do with it at this point … if you think he’s a great guy to date but a terrible candidate for marriage, and you don’t think you (or any other woman) can make him happy for the long term … well … what are you doing? If YOUR goal is to be in a mutually happy marriage for the long term, I think you know your answer.

      I’m curious as to how he’s made it so clear that he’s ready for the next step. Does the next step just mean moving in together and saving on rent? It doesn’t sound like it means marriage.

    • Lil

      Thanks so much to all of you for weighing in! Sadly, I think I know what I have to do. Now I just have to work myself up to it.

      For the commenter who asked, he has described moving in as leading to getting engaged, married and having a family.

      • non

        But, is moving in the next step for YOU? Because it’s not going to be the next step for everyone. It sounds like the next step for you is to have an affirmation of shared feelings.

        FWIW, I wouldn’t move in together.

      • ss

        Really feel for you ! Your posts mention your BF’s past and (lack of) words but do you reckon it’s worthwhile to have a think through his actions also ?

        FWIW I married someone who struggled with “I love you” and had more emotional baggage than me (not many women but at least one very colourful one in our circle of mutual friends who claimed in the aftermath of their break-up to be the never-to-be-surpassed love of his life). But I think it was clear in his mind that he was ready to settle down and I could see the love in the way he set about fitting into my life (getting to know my family, retrieving me from the airport when I got home fr work trips, dealing with my car repairs etc). And after a couple of years, “I love you” came naturally and often.

    • TCFKAG

      Have you talked to him about this. If not, do so.

      If you have and he can’t or won’t say I love you and its important to you, for gods sake do not move in with him! Especially since it sounds like you would be dropping “your place” and moving into “his place”. So basically all the risk is on your side.

      Side note — you say that he is a terrible candidate for marriage because of his past. But really its the present you should be focusing on. I think people who have been very active in the past CAN be in healthy serious relationships, but they have to fully commit to it and accept that it requires them to work for it. So far, it doesn’t sound like he’s doing that.

      • anon

        I agree that just because he’s been a tomcat in the past doesn’t mean he hasn’t changed. That being said, has he done or said anything to make you question his fidelity? Also, have you talked about why he can’t say those three words to you?

        Personally, I come from a family where we tell each other “I love you” all the time (as in, “I’m going to my room, love you”). I throw those words around with family and close friends all the time but am very careful about how I use them in romantic relationships. He may be scared you won’t say them back, absurd I know but guys can be like that sometimes.

        Talk with him about this to see if there are deeper issues behind it that you can work through together. If not, dump him and find a great apartment of your own.

    • N.

      You’ve been with him a year now — is there anything else aside from him not actually saying “I love you” that makes you feel you can’t trust him?

      I wouldn’t love it my SO was really reluctant to say that he loved me, but I don’t necessarily think it’s some sort of giant red flag. My sister’s husband, for example, is not very big on the PDA or good at gift giving, and while she would like him to be more cuddly and romantic she accepts that he’s just not very good at those things but is in many other ways a wonderful partner.

      So, is he showing you that he loves you in all other ways aside from verbalizing it? Or is the lack of “I love yous” an indication of a larger problem?

      • nona

        Does he have a different love language (re: 5 Love Language book)? Is there another way he expresses affection and love towards you? Or has he pretty much said “Yeah, I don’t really say those words. Sorry”

        • N.

          My sister read that book early on in her marriage and found it really helpful. IIRC when she first asked her husband what he considered to be a romantic gesture, most of the things he mentioned were “service” things like doing a greater share of the housecleaning so that she could relax on weekends. She ended up making him a list of things that she considered “romantic” (picking up a coffee and bagel for her in the morning, giving her a massage, making dinner reservations somewhere) and asked him to surprise her with an item from the list every once in a while. It really helped her communicate what she wanted/needed to him in a way that was specific and that he could act on.

        • CSF

          EXCELLENT recommendation. Great book, and really assisted my husband and I to understand how we viewed each other’s affection.

    • Anne-on

      Personally, I wouldn’t move in with anyone unless we had already had a candid discussion of what the next steps in our relationship were going to be. My husband and I were both in agreement that moving in together=engagement and marriage in the near future. If that isn’t what you want, fine, but don’t move in with someone to make them happy unless your needs are also being met and you’ve established you’re both on the same page.

    • Hel-lo

      I hate to steal your thunder, but I just had to share:

      My boyfriend told me last night that he loved me for the first time. :)

      We’ve been dating for about 5 months. He’s a sweetheart.

      The best part is – I had been thinking about telling him the same thing for a few weeks, but was too scared to say it. So I got to say, “I love you too.”

      There are guys that are out there that will say this. If it’s important to you, find one. (I met mine on okcupid.)

  18. Nonny

    OK, so they say muscle weighs more than fat. *Man*, is that ever true. Had my annual physical this morning and got weighed. I never weigh myself at home, so haven’t really paid attention to my weight since my last physical. However, since then I have taken up running, gotten much better about going to the gym, etc. My clothes fit better and I think I look better. I feel like I’ve lost 10 pounds. Nope, apparently I’ve *gained* 10.

    Not that I care, since I think that how I feel is more important than what my weight is, but wow, was that ever a shock!

    • Kelly

      Congrats! The closest I ever got to that is going down almost a size while weighing the same!

      • Nonny

        See, that would be awesome. But this whole *gaining* 10 pounds thing does my head in. I guess it’s some residual conditioning about attractive women being as light as a fairy, blech blech blech.

        • Kelly

          aww it shouldn’t! too bad you couldn’t have done you body fat percentage before and after! I’m sure that improved dramatically and would help you feel awesome! I’m a former gymnast and am always fairly muscular and envy all the waify delicate more ballerina like females too!

    • nona

      Small, nitpicky correction (sorry, science nerd here). Muscle is Denser than fat. A pound of muscle weigh the same as a pound of fat. But, since muscle is denser, you can weigh more, without having more volume, if that makes sense.

      • Nonny

        *Facepalm*, of course. I should have realized that. A pound equals a pound, no matter what it is made of. Thank you!

    • Hel-lo

      Congrats! Those pesky numbers don’t mean a thing. I never weigh myself either.

  19. Seattleite

    I don’t think it’s an issue of fair/unfair. It sounds like you don’t trust him, and you’re expecting your relationship to end. I’m not sure why you’d move in with him, knowing that you’ll have to cope with the end of the relationship *and* finding a new place/moving out all at the same time.

  20. D

    What do you do to deal with feeling overwhelmed/bitchy? I’m having a bad day (kind of my own fault) and don’t know how to deal. I’ve noticed the last three months I get really stressed/angry the day before my period and its been getting worse. I also just find this time of year is usually stressful.

    I’m also in a night class that falls on that day of the week (so I’m not home all day) and have been struggling with the homework. Stress has been going up in generally lately and my go-to remedies are chocolate, sleeping and sex. I can’t sleep all day today, the chocolate may be contributing to a health problem and the third item is not gonna happen today. I could go to the gym, but I don’t know if I have time with workload/homework and I’m already behind on my training schedule so I feel bad about it. But I can’t feel guilty about everything. What should I prioritize?

    • Seattleite

      1. Do something nice for yourself that won’t sabotage your long-term goals. Eat something healthy, even if you’re just buying an apple. No time for gym? Short walk or some yoga. Don’t tell yourself you’re ‘slacking’ – rather, that Is The Plan for that day of the week.
      2. Start taking B-6. Has worked wonders on me, my friends, and all our hormonal teenage daughters.
      3. Start over with the training schedule. There is no ‘behind.’ You might evaluate whether your current plan is realistic FOR YOU given your current school schedule. FWIW, I can’t be terribly ambitious with too many goals at once – I feel fractured and overwhelmed. I’ve had to pick between ‘stepping up the training’ and ‘more schooling’ more than once, and my decision has changed based on which was truly more important to me. Four years ago, I picked ‘classes.’ Right now it’s ‘better physical fitness.’ There’s no right answer.

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