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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices.
I like this “collarless crop” jacket from Aqua (available in black, navy, white, and royal at Bloomingdale's). It seems a bit boxier than your standard shrunken blazer, and the geometric tailoring seems part cool but part reminiscent of the servants' clothes on Downton Abbey. That said, for the price I'd give it a try — all four colors are $108 at Bloomingdale's. Aqua Jacket – Collarless Crop Blazer
Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com.
(L-2)
Sales of note for 10.10.24
- Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
- Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
- Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
- Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
- J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
- Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
- Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
- White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Blonde Lawyer
Anyone else pissed ING merged with Capital One?
TNT
Totally! We were just getting ready to open an account and my husband casually says…”you know they’re capital one now right?”
I can’t stand capital one. I had a credit card with them about 15 years ago, and they had terrible customer service. Bad enough that I’ve never investigated if it got any better.
We’re probably going elsewhere.
Blonde Lawyer
I think Capital One is the lesser of the evils since all the big banks have merged but I love ING the way it is and don’t want it to change. I had a great MBNA credit card about 5 years ago with a 7% interest rate and amazing terms and conditions. Then MBNA merged with Bank of America and they doubled my interest rate and changed all the terms. If I didn’t like it, I could find another credit card company. Unfortunately, the new terms were still just a bit better than the other companies so I stayed with them but still get angry about the extortion.
LawyrChk
If you don’t have an AmEx card, try them. The customer service I’ve received from AmEx rivals Nordstroms, plus they’ll reimburse you for items that are broken in the first 90 days and for returns that the retailer won’t accept. I recently got $200 back for a GPS that my husband broke within a week of purchase.
TCFKAG
I love Amex for when they did the same thing for a broken cappuccino machine, but almost a year later. And they didn’t even make us send the machine back. It was great. They actually extend manufacturers warranties one year, I believe, as a matter of course (or something like that).
Anon
I’ve been thinking about getting an AmEx. Is it worth it to get one of the cards with an annual fee?
TCFKAG
We have the Blue one (which is actually really clear) which has no fee, and I’ve never felt deprived by any need for the fee ones.
AIMS
The annual fee cards are only worth it if you use their benefits – e.g., they have preferred seating at many concerts so if you go out to shows a lot, you can get better seats for less money; there are also a number of travel benefits if you travel a lot (though you can get a Blue card with similar perks now, I think). For me, it didn’t make sense to keep mine once Blue became available because I don’t reliably use their benefits so it was sort of a wash. But they usually waive the annual fee for the first year, so you can get it to start and see how much you actually use the benefits (vs. the regular stuff that comes with the Blue card). Switching to the Blue is very simple.
Just one thing to keep in mind – the regular Amex card is a charge card, not a credit card so you have to pay off the balance at the end of the month (though usually they will let you work out plans to pay off big ticket items, like plane tickets over time). I never carry a balance so it worked for me, but just something to keep in mind (the no-balance thing is actually why my mother insisted on that being my first card, so I think it’s great if you need to have some extra discipline). Anyway, love AMEX – highly recommend to everyone.
TNT
I second, third or fouth AMEX…( I have the blue card too – no fee). Customer service is amazing. And their interest rate is better than most. Also, very little “extra” nonsense coming in the mail from them. And FYI, they have a high yield savings branch too…slightly lower interest than ING was offering, but if it’s got the same customer service, I’ll take it.
LawyrChk
Mine is also no fee and we get 1% back to use toward travel costs.
CMJNYC
Historically I loved the blue card because it had 1.5% cash back (after you exceeded a certain threshhold). Now it’s down to 1% which just isn’t competitive in my opinion.
annoner
I have the platinum amex. I use the concierge service quite often and book most of my travel through it (price shop on other sites and then book via amex) so I get automatic travel insurance which has saved my rear more times than I thought it would. I also use it for roadside assistance and save the $40 or so that I would usually pay to AAA. If you don’t have a need for the above, it’s not worth the fee.
But, I heart Amex so very much. I’ve had them for years. Their customer service is incredibly amazing.
ESquared
They are AWESOME. Found out JewelMint was charging a me a subscription fee for the past 6 months and they completely sorted it out and refunded me the $ in less than 3 days.
I’m SOOOO impressed.
LawyrChk
I also hate capital one. This makes me consider closing my INGDirect account because I hate them so much.
Online Banks
I have my online account with HSBC instead of ING, and I am pissed that I regularly get emails announcing that my interest rate (which, when I opened the account in 2007, was the highest around) is now less than 1% and constantly falling.
CSF
I had an HSBC opened around the same time. It was 5% when I opened it, and dropped to 1% before I closed it. It just wasn’t worth it to have an “extra” account open if it wasn’t earning me any more interest than my checking does.
Diana Barry
Poop, I didn’t know that. Did anyone have Capital One before and is familiar with their service? We only have a savings account at ING, so not much if we need to pull it out.
SF Bay Associate
Ditto. I don’t know anything about Capital One other than Alec Baldwin, and that my uncle has a card from them he loves because CO doesn’t charge a foreign transaction fee. But apparently this acquisition is a bad thing?
Bluejay
I have a Capital One credit card; it has the lowest interest rate of all my cards and doesn’t charge a foreign fee. I’ve never had a problem with them. I also have an ING account, and I’ve always been really happy with ING.
Cb
I love my capital one card too! Good benefits and the lack of foreign exchange fees helped when I had to pay my rent for the year.
Blonde Lawyer
https://home.ingdirect.com/capitalone/news
ANP
Along these lines, where do y’all keep your emergency funds stashed? We have an online savings account with EmigrantDirect that’s at a measly 0.6% interest rate right now. Ugh!
ADL
Would love suggestions as well. My emergency stash is at ING but I am considering moving it now.
AIMS
Would also love to know, because I was just about to move my savings from Citi to ING. Citi gives me an interest rate hovering around .3-4% and even though ING’s 1% is nothing to write home about, I figured it was still better than what I am currently getting.
That said, I am not sure Capital One is all that bad. From what I know, they have a decent interest rate on par with ING and waive any ATM fees. Is there something else I am missing?
JT
You’re still getting 1% at ING? I think mine has dropped down to about .8%
AIMS
@ JT – the 1% offer is for new customers, guaranteed for up to $100K/first year only. So I am sure it would drop once the year is up – I just figured why not move my money around and take advantage?
MissJackson
Have you considered I-Bonds?
For emergency saving, you don’t want to put everything in at once because you absolutely cannot access that money for a year no matter what. But putting in a portion of your emergency savings each month is an option to consider if you feel confident that you would not need it ALL at once. Basically, we have $20k in emergency fund, and every month I put $500 more of it in I-Bonds. Eventually it will all be in I-Bonds, but by the time that happens the money I put in first will have been there for well over a year. If in the meantime, CD rates/savings account/MM account rates rise, I can change strategy at any time after the first year.
The limit is $10k per person per year (I think — it used to be $5k per year paper and $5 per year electronic — they did away with paper bonds this year but I believe they raised the max you can purchase in electronic to $10k), so you might not be able to get all of your money there in a year even if you wanted to. Right now rates are at around 3% — they change every 6 months, and are based on inflation. The idea is that you shouldn’t lose purchasing power. (There are actually 2 interest rates — one is for the life of the bond, and right now that portion is at 0%; the second is the rate that changes every 6 months and that’s the one that is at about 3% right now — those who bought I-Bonds in the boon can be earing 4% fixed + 3% adjustable… wish I could say I was one of those people). There is a penalty for accessing your money if you decide to withdraw in less than 5 years, but even taking that penalty into consideration (it’s the prior 3 months interest), it’s still a much better rate than savings accounts and even CDs right now.
Anyway, super disclaimer: I am not a financial expert. Consider your options, as no one strategy is right for everyone.
Kanye East
Do you remember the salad days of 3.5-4% interest at ING?
Good times.
guest
Ally is also owned by some super-giant whatever but they are similar to ING (high interest savings, interest checking) and I’ve found them to have great support. They also support POPmoney and scanning checks in and uploading the images instead of mailing them, and they’ll refund all ATM fees that ATMs charge you.
eaopm3
Our emergency stash is in our deep freeze until I decide where to put it. But it’s been there for about a year now… I’m a slacker.
meme
This would really freak me out. I hate having more than about $500 in cash on hand. Gives me anxiety (omg Thieves! Fires! Floods! Forgetfulness!).
CSF
We keep cash stashed inside our books in my home office, because we like to have $2k on hand. We have way too many books for someone to go through and find all the cash, and it’s spread out fairly evenly. My Grandmother keeps hers in the piano…
The bulk of our emergency savings we keep in a separate savings account with our local credit union, and it makes 3% interest.
NOLA
My bank was purchased by Capital One after Hurricane Katrina. I have both a checking account and credit card with them and have had no issues, customer service or otherwise.
Honeycrisp
Yes! I have been considering switching my online savings account from ING to Ally for a few months now. This Capital One-ING merger just made that decision a lot easier for me.
JT
I didn’t even know about this (thanks to a midnight filing last night I was off the news radar). And apparently I don’t warrant an email notification, which isn’t a good sign of things to come. I have a Capital One credit card that does absolutely nothing for me, but we’re buying an apartment and I don’t want to cancel it and mess up my credit since it’s the card I’ve had since I was twenty. As soon as we close on the place I plan to switch.
MissJackson
I’m more sad than pissed. I love ING, and I’m concerned that we’re going to see things go downhill. (I personally had really terrible issues with Capital One in the past.)
That said, I’m basically going on high alert, but not immediately moving my money (I have a checking and savings account with ING). At the first sign that ING is adding fees or other hoops to jump through, I’m gone. I’m going to try to give them a chance, but I’m not especially optimistic.
Can't wait to quit
I’m not so sure it’s going to be a bad thing. I keep all my savings with ING, and have their checking account. I noticed on their website that now I can order a checkbook for the ING checking account, and the ability to deposit checks (presumably by mail) is listed as “coming soon” on their website. I will be ticked as hell if they start having fees, but I do like the idea of being able to untether my ING account from another account, which you had to have so you could deposit checks.
MissJackson
The checkbook ordering has been available for awhile. And you could always deposit checks by mail… but apparently soon you will be able to deposit checks with your smartphone and/or over the internet (I don’t understand how this works, but I am intrigued). We also get access to Capital One atms now, if that helps anyone.
Anonymous
I’ve never had a problem with Capital One. But here’s the big question: Who is going to sponsor the marathon?
Romans et al
Happy Lent to all the RC Corporettes out there. How about a threadjack post…not what we’re wearing today (although I had to insert purple pumps w/the navy suit for my own grins) … but what we are taking on and then giving up?
As I did last year, I’m taking on donating to charities that provide women clothing for business interviews, etc. I am giving up shopping for myself and house stuff. Yeah, it’s a one-way money stream, but there’s also taking on extra prayers.
Since we all use nom de plumes (?) seems it’s not bragging about what we’re doing. Just sharing ideas of how to do more.
Happy Lent – let’s lift ourselves and others up!
b23
I’m also giving up shopping. Good idea on giving money to Dress for Success! I also try to give away the money I would be spending, and that’s a good place to give it. My hubs is giving up alcohol, which I think means I’ll de facto being doing the same; I’m way less likely to open a bottle of wine if he’s not drinking any.
I’m also going to spend this time trying to think better about people and just be more at peace. I know that’s vague, but I would really like to cleanse my mind and think more about what really matters in life.
MissJackson
I don’t really practice religion, but I do try to take the opportunity to better myself each year at Lent. This year I’m also giving up [clothes/accessory] shopping because I’ve gotten a little out of control in the last 6 months, and I think that taking a break will be good for me (and my wallet).
I’m also giving up chocolate. Which means I already am craving chocolate like crazy!
elz
I’m giving up cursing and donating money every time I do curse to my region’s Catholic Charities. I’ve already slippe dup 3 times today! Ack.
anon for this
i usually try to do something a little extra in lieu of giving something up – i usually find that most of the things i could give up are little pleasures that i indulge in so rarely that they don’t really impact me – by way of making me stop and reflect/think about my life/faith (ex. chocolate, shopping, frosting, etc.).
last year i downloaded an app for morning prayers (lauds?) and for the rosary and tried to do both every day. now that i have a few goddaughters and confirmation sponsorees(?) i like to think of them as i follow along with the prayers. i think i will do that again this year – it gives me a few minutes in the morning (listen/follow along during my getting dressed/pretty routine) to kindof “center” myself and get in a good mindset before running off and listening to/following along with the rosary during my commute helps me not get commute/road rage at the pushy/shovey/have never heard of personal space types.
NOLA
Not Catholic but I give up chocolate. Trust me, for me it is sacrificial! I am also part of a group moderated by my minister’s father (who is also a minister and an incredible guy). He is asking us to write three handwritten pages of reflection once a week, on one of the texts he sends out. I’m not sure I’ll have three pages to write but I might try it.
Middle Coast
I started this for lent umpteen years ago, it has become a daily habit.
I spend five minutes each morning at Sacred Space – http://www.sacredspace.ie/ – which gives you a daily reading and some thoughts to reflect on.
21stofSeptember
Not RC, but I started observing Lent in law school. Giving up liquor and desserts. Not sure what I’m taking on yet…
Pest
I’m Episcopalian. I’m giving up alcohol. I’m committing to more Bible study time, but I don’t feel like that is really “taking on” something, because it has its own rewards for me.
Frump
Praying rosary each day and getting to church each Sunday. Also, no meat and fasting on Fridays.
First time decorator
Can anyone recommend any books or blogs to help me decorate/organize my first real apartment? I’ve checked out Apartment Therapy and Young House Love (and like them both), but I would love more suggestions on similar sites or books in that realm. I’ve never decorated before, so I’d just like some basic tips and ideas, some suggestions on where to shop, and some tutorials on how to do some basic DIY stuff. I’m also totally addicted to Pinterest, and get great ideas from there, but I’m still not sure about how to actually go about implementing them. Thanks!!
TCFKAG
Have you read the post and comment thread from a few days ago that addressed a similar issue?
Fiona
Check out the Apartment Therapy book — it’s more introductory and offers a step-by-step plan for setting up your apartment. The blog is good for inspiration, but can be a bit overwhelming when you don’t know where to start.
Jem
I like Making It Lovely and Little Green Notebook.
Anon
The Design*Sponge book and blog are great.
KMS
Although I’m still putting off decorating my apartment, I enjoy reading Maggie Rose’s blog–www(dot)maggieroseonline(dot)com. She has two e-books, and shares advice/tips/how-to things on her blog.
ESquared
Email the term “ikea hack”… it is amazing.
Also- http://www.lowescreativeideas.com/Home.aspx
phillygirlruns
is there a (regular or irregular) philly corporette meet-up? if not…any interest in setting one up?
Two cents
If I still lived in Philly, I’d be there! Love love love that city.
anonymous
I haven’t seen a Philly meet-up yet, but I would be very interested if there is one!
MsZ
I’d be interested!
Ellen
It is to far for me. FOOEY!
TCFKAG
If Ellen ever goes to a Corporette meet-up, I want details!
anon in DC
And a video on youtube!
phillygirlruns
fooey indeed.
Anonymous
I would definitely be interested. Have never seen one posted.
P
I’m interested too!
Jennifer
Early hair-related threadjack:
In an attempt to have some moves other than the ponytail, I purchased a set of spiral pins. I had hoped to put my hair in a bun, but on my first attempt, the pin did not grab (a bunch of pieces fell out). My hair is fine and thin with soft layers—shortest layer is to the top of my shoulder, longest about 2 inches south of my collarbone. Any tips for success? Should my hair be clean or dirty? Blow-dried straight or curly (or styled wet/damp)? Product, or no? Have any of you fine-haired ladies had luck with these?
Thanks in advance!
Anonsensical
I’ve never tried the pins but my hair is a lot like how you described, and I find it’s always easier to style when it’s not freshly washed. I get oily quickly, so the right timing for me usually involves washing it at night, letting it air dry overnight as I sleep, and styling it in the morning. Product-wise, I’m a huge fan of Aveda’s Control Paste ~ just a little on the ends helps define my layers and keep my hair from looking too wispy.
a.
I don’t have particularly fine hair, so it’s usually cooperative for everything I want it to do…except buns when it’s clean. Buns won’t work unless I’m on at least my third day out from washing my hair. I also shellack it with hairspray to cut down on fly-aways, although it will stay up without it.
Nonny
I have fine, straight-ish hair (though not lots of layers) and love my spin pins. I find they work better when my hair is damp, and I usually shellac with hairspray, like a.
Jennifer
Thanks, all, for the tips! It just so happens I last washed my hair on Monday, so this morning I used dry shampoo and some Bumble & Bumble styling spray. My hair was course enough to stuff into a quick-and-dirty Gibson roll, which I secured with a spin pin. Took five minutes, looks great, and feels like it’ll stay. Feeling very Lady Mary today as a result.
a.
Argh I’m jealous. I can’t seem to get the Gibson roll right, but I love the look!
Ruby
Had the GR today, having learned it here last month! Very important business meetings today. Last time I did it, secretary complimented and said it looked like I spent a lot of time on it- ha, 2 min max. It stayed all day. And for fun I stuck in a bobby pin with a little metal owl on it I got at Cost Plus World Market. Take that, boring and itchy synthetic black maternity suit!
s
Liberal arts major who went to law school (and somehow got an MBA) without having much understanding of Excel (I got a “Dummy” book and was extremely lucky with my project groups–able to take on the paper-writing functions while someone else made beautiful spreadsheets). I would like to have a better understanding of it. I’m not sure why, but it is very NOT intuitive to me. I need to get some Excel skills to make my life easier.
Can anyone recommend an online tutorial? (the classes at local university are not compatible with my schedule, unfortunately).
SF Bay Associate
I wonder if YouTube has anything? Also, I bet the Microsoft website has video tutorials, as it is very much in Microsoft’s best interest for people to love Excel. Have you checked there?
CW
Are you at a firm? My biglaw firm has an IT group that offers training on all of the Microsoft tools.
Selia
I know you said that scheduled university classes were not an option, but a group of us at work contacted our local university and arranged for a private class that our company paid for, if that would be an option where you work? Or, maybe contact the university to see if they could hook you up with a private tutor for a lesson or two on your schedule?
NOLA
I don’t know how much a personal subscription would cost, but I have heard really good things about lynda.com.
TCFKAG
If you’re just looking for a class and not a degree, perhaps consider an on-line class. I know you’re probably looking for something more advanced than what the tutorials can provide.
Cats Ahoy!
The tutorials on the Microsoft website are very good. If you’re looking to do some out-of-the-ordinary moves, I highly recommend http://mvps.org/ – choose Excel from the side menu.
Ruby
Years ago the dummy book helped me but for trickier stuff, just finding a few generous people who were whizzes that i could ask in need. It can be really hard to find a specfic task in those tutorials.
lawnonymous
Love the blazer, but I always thought that collarless was less formal somehow.
When did y’all start dating and how did that work with your careers? I’m a young-un – early 20’s – but I always feel like “not now, I have to focus on my career, etc.” It’s hard to really work on putting yourself out there when you have a million things to do other than go to some lame social thing.
biophys
I don’t have much advice to offer, but I’m in a similar situation and age and am curious to hear the replies!
I joined okcupid recently but have only been on a couple dates, mostly because I often get work done in the evenings (yay grad school, where there is no 9-5), and if not, I’d rather get a drink with my friends than some potential date… I feel like I *should* be out there meeting people because 95% of my friends are in Serious Long-Term Relationships. Right now my career/degree is my utmost priority, but I realize that won’t necessarily be the case forever. It’s tough!
AIMS
Met my SO in law school when I was 25 or so. By the time we graduated, we were living together. So career sort of happened parallel to the romance and was easier in that by the time we started working, we were already together. Before that, was in another serious relationship – met in college.
I don’t think you should stress about this – there is no right or wrong time, just the time that works for you. But that said, you’re young and this time in your life goes by so incredibly fast – don’t spend all your twenties worrying about your career. Have some fun, live a little, enjoy wearing short shorts, whatever, and if romance finds you, great, if not, you have time.
TCFKAG
At your age (young-un) I wouldn’t worry too much about putting yourself out there in the “formal” dating sense (if you know what I mean) but instead just be social. Maintain friendships. Join groups, even if its maintaining mostly female friendships, you’ll be amazed how many male friendships will arise from that.
And if you have trouble “justifying” that to the right side of your brain, then remember that the best way to build a client network is through strategic socializing. You have to maintain friendships, you can’t just alienate everyone for the seven years of your associateship and then emerge and say, hire me! (I’m assuming you’re a lawyer because of your name). If you’re not a lawyer, or you’re not at a firm — the same goes for job hunting, or promotions, or whatever, you have to be good at networking. Which is essentially socializing. So just get out there and have fun right now. And maybe you’ll stumble over a boy.
But right now, as a young-un, you should just be having fun. And you’ll attract people. Don’t worry about anything else.
Susan
TCFKAG, that is excellent advice!
Here’s my path– just an example, not necessarily something to copy:
I moved to NYC for my first job after (college) graduation. I had a friend from undergrad who also moved to the City, but I didn’t want to lean on her/cling to her too much. I made lots of great friends by networking with similarly aged-coworkers male and female. I made friends with some of these coworkers and also made friends with some of their friends.
It was through these “friends of friends” that I met the guy who’s now the DH. We had all started hanging out in a huge pack, 4 degrees of separation at most for a group of over 40.
DH and I started dating a little while after we were introduced, and then, I changed jobs into IB (Infernal Baking in the 7th Circle of Hell, a.k.a Investment Banking). We continued dating through my stint in IB.
And it was rough– the crazy hours, the awfulness of the senior banker on our team to everyone on the team, the lack of sleep– all that coincided with the period where the ‘honeymoon phase’ of the relationship was transitioning to the part where you sort out whether the differences you have are ones you can live with and work on, or whether they would sink the relationship in the long-term.
Amazingly, we worked all these issues out during the craziness of my IB job (me still in my 20s). So DH had seen me at my worst, and it did not faze him, nor did it make him lose patience. It told me (cerebrally) what I had felt (viscerally) from the get-go: that he was the one for me.
I was also lucky to a few good friends in IB-land (other folks my age), because we were all suffering the same hellish torments from demonic managing directors, so we all bonded over that. To this day, we occasionally get-together to laugh about our times back then– it is a little bit like a reunion of veterans who fought in the same war.
Susan
“lucky to find” a few good friends in IB-land, I meant to write. Ugh, I haven’t had any caffeine yet and it shows!
Amy H.
Had to post to say how very happy your proper use of “faze” made me this afternoon!
Totes McGotes
This. I know someone who is trying to get out there after a divorce, and she kept talking about “places to meet men” or complaining that she didn’t meet any men she wanted to date wherever she had gone. I had to remind her that, frequently, women know men, and unappetizing men may know other men who you may find more toothsome. The important thing is to be social and active and to develop your own interests – friendships, hobbies, and community involvement can be fulfilling in their own way, and could help lead you toward what you’re seeking. Also, when you meet someone you’re interested in, and he asks you what you do in your free time, you can have something to say other than, “I show up at places where I think I can meet men.”
Susan
I wish your recently-divorced acquaintance good luck. And you’re absolutely right— even should she meet someone toothsome (love that word choice!), and it doesn’t work out, if she meets him in the course of doing an activity that she likes, at least she gets to do [some activity she likes.]
Developing oneself is a great thing. After all, Oscar Wilde said, “To love oneself is the beginning of a life-long romance.” It also makes one more interesting and it makes one less likely to look and feel desperate.
Woods-comma-Elle
I have no advice to this as such, but I find the concept of ‘start dating’ kind of interesting. Sure, you can actively stop dating by just, well, not going on any dates. But in order to start dating, you would be required to have someone to go on dates with.
Beyond online dating, I’m not sure that this is entirely within your control. Sure, you can put yourself in situations where you are more likely to meet people and you can ask people out if you meet someone you like, but if you never meet someone you want to ask out or if people never ask you out, then can you really say you are ‘dating’ even if you want to be?
Genny
AIMS – if you’re reading today … I missed your leopard love comment yesterday! I, too, love leopard print. While they are most definitely NOT for work, have you seen the leopard print skinny jeans at Target? $23, very comfortable, and a great way to wear leopard “off duty”.
TCFKAG
After I left work yesterday, I felt like everyone I saw as wearing leopard and I felt cosmically connected to y’all. (Yes I’m a northerner and yes I’m a Yankee, but I still use y’all occasionally when its useful.)
NOLA
Northerner who has lived in the south for too many years – of course I say y’all! Better than you’uns – my mother never let us say that when we were growing up so I never got in the habit.
b23
Y’all just makes perfect sense, and it’s a perfectly reasonable contraction (you + all), unlike ain’t or whatever. I seriously don’t understand why it hasn’t gotten more widespread use!
TCFKAG
Additionally, the problem with ain’t (and to a lesser extent whatever) is that they don’t solve a problem in the language. Ain’t is just a lesser form of isn’t.
On the other hand, y’all solves a fundamental shortcoming of english, the lack of a plural you — which many (most) other languages have. And, if you ask me, should have.
KK
Amen y’all. I lived in south for 2 years and never was able to drop this phrase– especially because I spent a lot of time waitressing and “y’all” is super helpful for waitressing.
jesseves
Actually, ain’t is a perfectly reasonable contraction — it contracts “am not,” just as isn’t contracts “is not.” It just got a bad rep and was banned from “proper” English by whoever it is decides these things.
Maybe I should change my handle to wordnerd….
TCFKAG
Interesting. Perhaps the problem is usage by people I’ve heard use it, as I’ve mostly heard it used in lieu of isn’t instead of “am not” — as in “it ain’t XXX” though I guess occasionally I hear “I ain’t”.
Kady
my favorite y’all saying from TX: y’all is the singular and all y’all is the plural.
mamabear
I thought “all y’all” was the plural.
Bonnie
I picked up y’all living in Texas. I still catch my SO saying “fixin’ to.”
Anonymous
Yesterday’s discussion (and today’s 50+ degree weather here in Boston today!) inspired me to break out my leopard flats! Always a happy day when you can wear no socks after months of boots and nothing else….
AIMS
Thanks, Genny! Leopard jeans, eh? I will look into this. I don’t think I can pull off the leopard leopard, but maybe the gray leopard… I suppose $23 is the right price for something like this. And I do love the idea of having more “off duty” clothes — but you guys are seriously enabling my addiction, this is not going to end well. I’m going to end up looking like Michelle Pfeiffer in Married to the Mob.
I better not tell you all how much I love things that sparkle :)
TCFKAG
OMG I LOVE SPARKLY THINGS SOOOOOOO MUCH.
I didn’t really know it until a couple years ago…then I had a sparkly things realization. I have to keep it on lock down or else it will get out of control.
Always a NYer
If it makes you feel better, I have a serious leather addiction – as in jackets, coats, pencil skirts, gloves, purses, shoes and boots (obv). I don’t have leather pants yet but that’s only because I’ve been talked out of them whenever I’ve gone to buy them. Still deciding if that’s a good thing or a bad thing…
And I do love leopard, still hunting for the perfect pair of pumps =)
Totes McGotes
My name is Totes McGotes and I’m addicted to snakeskin and patent leather.
Genny
AIMS, I have the grey leopard ones. The brown ones were a bit too “animal” for me.
PS: I LOVE SPARKLE, too … just not with my leopard print. That could go bad fast …
TCFKAG
I’m envisioning a great advanced trolling halloween costume involving leather, leopard print, and sparkle pumps. Oh…the glory.
Genny
:)
Always a NYer
Like a bedazzled Catwoman?
TCFKAG
Or a real housewife of New Jersey…
Bonnie
AIMS, how about sparkly leopard? http://www.gojane.com/51367-stuff-glitter-leopard-print-clutch.html
mamabear
Am I the only one who still has a bra-strap-showing gum-snapping association with leopard print?
(I do own one leopard print scarf.)
AIMS
I think that’s part of the appeal. The unexpectedness of it. I almost never pair leopard with heels. I usually wear it with something decidely low key and unexpected. For me, it’s the contrast that makes it interesting – sort of like sweet & spicy food can be appealing. I actually bought a leopard sweater recently that I thought I would wear to work but I can’t quite figure out how to style it because when I pair it with black pants or pencil skirt, it looks a little too literal for my tastes.
mamabear
I wish there were a photo sharing element of Corporette. I’d love to see how you and others style it!
L
Maybe do a rich deep color on the bottom- eggplant for example. I would imagine that or black on the bottom with a cool colored cardigan/blazer (depending on the top) would give you a pop of leopard.
MissJackson
Yes! I have a leopard blouse that I pair with a bright cobalt/purple cardigan [sort of the color of the suit featured in today’s post]. It works surprisingly well.
Gooseberry
Boston ladies —
Any interest in meeting up tomorrow? We have been trying for the third Thursday of the month, but this month someone suggested we try the fourth Thursday (tomorrow). Anyone want to get together?
TCFKAG
I’m interested. I assumed a message would go out this afternoon or tomorrow morning on where we’re meeting?
Gooseberry
TCFKAG, have you been on the email distributions? (Posted here to make sure we were including everyone who wanted to be included!)
TCFKAG
For some reason I’m not on the e-mail distribution, though I am in the linkedin group, so I usually see there. Plus people usually pass along the e-mail to me. :-)
InBoston
Just realized that there are Boston meet-ups and would love to join in. Can one of you tell me more about the email group and how to get on it :)?
Blonde Lawyer
I’m in barring any major work emergency. I’m about an hour away so a 7 oclock meet up is better for me. I’d also love a place where I can order food.
R in Boston
The email group is talking about Elephant and Castle tomorrow. Not sure what time yet.
But yes – everyone come!
TCFKAG
Can someone call and make sure they have no live music. And ask how hot their waiters are? ;-)
Anyone?
Hi – Anyone have any suggestions for me in encouraging my husband to see a mental health professional?
He left a job that he loved about 5 months ago for a new job at a new company. He left his previous job because the new job offered him the opportunity to manage more people, learn a new market, and basically be a stepping stone for where he wants to go in his career. It turns out that none of the things he was told were true and he is miserable at his job. He is beating himself up for leaving his previous job, and he is just plain miserable. He is not sleeping well, he has aches and pains, and a generally snappy and grumpy attitude. I have encouraged him to get help, exercise, talk to his colleagues at work to try to make it better, and look for another job.
For many reasons, he can’t look for a job just yet. So in the meantime, I would like to make his life bearable. And my life bearable as well, since this is really impacting our marriage. He is hesitant to go to his doctor for a depression screening.
Have any of you been in a similar situation? How can I encourage him to get help (short of making an appt for him and dragging him there myself)? Thanks.
AIMS
In the past, when dealing with a SO who was going through something very stressful, I found it helped to frame the issue very, very casually. So, not “why don’t you go in for a depression screening,” but “why don’t you go talk to someone? I mean I’m here to listen always, but sometimes it helps to unload on a stranger…” Then, I’d follow up by how I had talked to someone once and how helpful it was to just say things out loud to a person who wasn’t really in my life, and add in how it’s covered by insurance so why not take a chance and see if it helps. I think people are reluctant to seek help because they often perceive it as an admission that something is really wrong, so it helps to treat it as more of a tune up, something that many people do and isn’t a big deal.
Anyone
Thanks AIMS. I will give that a try.
L
My husband has a history of depression, and has gone into therapy several times during the course of our relationship. Each time it was a huge help. He had been in therapy prior to us dating, so there was some groundwork laid that it doesn’t sound like you have. However, I’ve found that explaining to him how his depression is affecting me has been successful at getting him into therapy when he wasn’t going on his own. Hopefully you know your husband’s reactions well enough to anticipate whether that will help the situation or make it worse. Good luck to you – remember the importance of taking care of yourself. Being married to someone struggling with emotional difficulties is exceptionally difficult.
Anyone?
Thanks for your advice!
I have had emotional issues/postpartum depression in the past and sought help. My husband helped me so much during that period. I just wish he would let me help him.
KK
This is not exactly an answer to your actual question re helping him get professional help, because I don’t know him and people vary widely in their acceptance of/reaction to mental health services. But, is there any way that you can help him start planning an exit strategy from this job? Maybe he can’t start looking yet, but he can start laying the groundwork? It seems, quite frankly, that the source of his depression is his crap job (and his crap coping strategies), not any sort of chemical imbalance. Which is not to say therapy won’t help, because I’m sure it would if he engages in it, but that the simplest solution might be to get out of the job asap regardless of cost. If that isn’t possible, as you say, maybe laying the groundwork for an exit will at least give him a light at the end of the tunnel to look forward to.
Anyone?
Thanks KK. Yes, I have encouraged him to talk to people both at his current job (about making changes that would help him cope with certain ) and to talk to his colleagues from previous jobs in order to lay the ground work for applying for/obtaining a new job. He did finally call the headhunter who placed him at his current position and she will begin finding other opportunities for him.
Thankfully he has moved up his time line for finding a new job. First he wanted to stay at the current place for a year (for his resume’s sake and because he received a sign on bonus, which he will have to re-pay if he leaves before his first anniversary). But now he wants to get out of there as soon as he receives his bonus payout (in mid March). However, he won’t start looking for a job until he has gotten that bonus. I am not sure why.
I think part of the problem he is having is that he loved his previous job so much and he has always loved his career. Now he feels like he made the biggest mistaken and blames it all on himself. No matter what I say to him, he says I don’t understand or that he can’t do what I am suggesting. It is frustrating to say the least.
PollyD
I can understand this. I left a job that I was really good at, liked the people, everyone liked me, I had a great relationship with my boss, for a job that is… well, not as great. It was a big struggle the first year, I felt like I had made a terrible mistake. But the new job has gotten better and it really does have many more opportunities for advancement and change than the old job. To get those opportunities I will probably have to go outside of my group, but it’s still possible. I essentially moved from a very small company to a very large company.
So I guess I’d encourage your husband to try to look at this job as a stepping stone – he may not be getting the training and opportunities he was promised, but perhaps there are other opportunities to help him make his next move. Also, I don’t think there’s any shame in seeing if going back to the old job is possible – I know several people who did that at my last two jobs, and both times the powers-that-be were quite happy to have them back.
PM
I agree with AIMS, who says to phrase it as “talking things over with someone.” You might want to present it more like, “Consider a series of sessions of cognitive behavior therapy to help you deal with this tough situation.” The image of therapy as being a yearslong commitment seems to keep people from starting. My loved one started going to a therapist after we agreed that he would try it for five sessions, but he was very resistant at the beginning.
Because cognitive behavior therapy is all about practical changes, like stopping obsessive thoughts, I told him that my sessions with a counselor were very similar to my experience with a personal trainer: I made bigger strides towards my goals because I had someone who kept me accountable and gave me good advice on how to get there. Actually, I know some licensed social workers also say they are available for “career coaching,” which is really the same thing but may carry less stigma.
Anyone?
Thanks for your feedback. I have encouraged him to contact all sorts of people. It took months before he actually called his headhunter. So I guess just making suggestion of therapy or coaching, etc. may eventually pay off.
CKB
I have a dh who has dealt with depression on & off our whole relationship (almost 18 years). His last bad bout was when he was in a temporary job he hated. Hated.
When it started to get bad I sat him down & have a heart to heart. Something like “You know I love you, and I am very worried about you because you have been very grumpy, and it is starting to affect me and the kids. I think it’s time to do something about it.” And then I gave him several options that I had thought of, ranging from mild to extreme. In our case thankfully my job was going well, and he was able to convince his principal (it was a teaching position) to not extend his contract, which allowed him to claim EI, and we were OK financially. Then, after a few months of unemployment, we had to have another heart to heart because staying home all day wasn’t good for him. I convinced him to start writing again, to see an employment counsellor, and to start applying for non-teaching jobs that he was qualified for, all of which helped. Most important with these heart to hearts was that I told him that it needed to be his decision (he does not like to feel forced into things and will push back big time), and I was there to support him in whatever he decided, but he needed to do something because the current state wasn’t healthy for anyone.
Of course, it helps that my dh is a talker. However, he is still male, so when I have these talks with him I have to make sure that he sees the reasoning behind it, and I also make sure my approach & tone of voice is not at all, even the least bit, aggressive or argumentative because then he gets defensive & it’s not good. I think showing him how concerned I am about him helps him realize that he needs to make some changes.
Good luck – I know it’s a difficult position to be in, and if you’d like to email offline, let me know.
KK
This sounds like a really smart approach.
Anon for this
My husband went through a depression based on hating his job and not living the life his former friends were (according to Facebook.) When it got really bad, I told him he could quit his job or move me anywhere, if he first took a serious stab at therapy. He did and got to a point where the therapist agreed there wasn’t much more he could do for him, absent him getting a job that better suits him. I then stood by my statement and said “you can quit or we can move because nothing is worth your mental health.”
Funny thing, husband decided to stay at this job and is still there now. Once he had “permission” to quit, it made it bearable. He knows he would be miserable totally broke and unemployed too. Having the option to quit has given him the “one day at a time” mentality. In the meantime, I found a job I love so he no longer wants to move as much. He also realized life isn’t like what people show on facebook, and moving to those people may not accomplish anything.
Life is better though he certainly has his grumpy days. He just keeps looking for something better. Also, he came to the realization on his own that he has priced himself out of a lot of jobs and really needs to stay in his industry or else he will have to start over entry level and he doesn’t want to do that. It took me “giving him permission” to make nothing or next to nothing for him to realize that he wouldn’t be happier at a “better job” if he was making the same thing as first year college grads.
Anyone?
Oh gosh, I wish I could tell him that he could quit or we could move. Unfortunately we are not in a position to do either.
Anon for this
We weren’t either. That is why it was such a drastic move on my part. Quit or move would have led to defaulting on loans, foreclosure of a house we no longer lived in anyway, breaking a lease – near financial ruin. But, I was to the point I would do anything to make him better and I was essentially calling his bluff. I was no longer “making him work.” (The loans are mine, we don’t live in the mortgaged home because we moved for my job, the friends lived on an opposite coast we never lived on but he didn’t live out there because he lived on my coast when we married.)
Anon in ATX
Have you offered to go with him to therapy? You would not have to go to each session, but maybe the first 1-2 until he is comfortable with the counsellor?
I suggest this b/c I went through the same thing with my DH, not depression but stress/anxiety. I told him he needed to speak to someone professionally b/c it was a topic that I could not offer advice on other than the generic “it’s okay, you need to relax” type stuff. Anyway, he was resistent until I offered to go with him, which he admitted he would be more comfortable with.
Anyone?
That is a good suggestion. Thank you.
Thanks to all of you for taking time to respond to me! I really appreciate it.
CSF
Is it possible that he reconnects with the job he loved and goes back there? I hope you two can find happiness in whatever situation you are in. I am sure he is quite lucky to have a supportive wife like you, who wants him to be happy.
Anyone?
I have been urging him to contact his previous boss and see if there are any other opportunities. His response to me is that there are no opportunities and that his old position has already been filled. Still, his previous boss is well known in the field, well respected in the community and has a lot of contacts. And plus he loves my husband and they had a really great relationship while my husband was at the company, and there were no bad feelings/ill will when my husband left. So, I still think it would be a good idea for him to contact the previous boss.
BabyMama
I lost my long and carefully worded response, even though it’s my first post of the day . . . The short version is that you shouldnt’ necessarily discount the value of finding a doctor and making an appointment for your SO. If someone is really mired in depression, the process of selecting a doc and booking an appointment can be extremely overwhelming by itself.
This advice has a serious “know your relationship” and “know your SO” disclaimer, though. I did this for my husband when he was dealing with a traumatic loss, and I knew that (a) he was not categorically opposed to seeing a therapist, and (b) even if he agreed to see a therapist, setting up the appointment would get lost in the daily grind of getting through his days. I did it in two stages: (1) sat down and talked to him to make absolutely sure that he was open to seeing a therapist, and explained that I was going to book the appointment, and (2) told him when/where the appointment was and that I’d be glad to join him. Again, know your SO and know your relationship, though. For others, this wouldn’t be viewed kindly, I’m sure.
Anyone?
Thanks Baby Mama.
I have been treated for postpartum depression and panic disorder. From my own experience, I know how much meds and/or therapy can help when you are in a not-so-good place. So I reached out to my own doc this morning for his input and recommendations for a doctor. I have the names of 3 doctors that are within 10-15mins of my husband’s office. Tonight I am going to sit down with him and have a heart to heart, explain my concerns and how it is impacting me and our family, and offer to call and book an appt for him with one of the doctors if he wants me to. And I will also offer to go to the appt with him, but I am not certain that he would like that idea.
Again, thanks for all of the responses.
BabyMama
You sound like a truly caring and supportive spouse; I think that is a great plan of attack. Best of luck to you and your husband.
Merabella
Thank you so much for posting this. My SO is also in a place where he doesn’t like his job, and I’m finding it hard to help. The answers you have gotten here from everyone have been really helpful, and I may use them as well.
Anyone?
I am so sorry to hear that. I hope things get better for your and your SO soon.
Merabella
Thank you. It is nice to know that there are other people who struggle with this.
K in NYC
mental health professional here… I wouldn’t bring it up to him as something you want him to do. You said it’s impacting your relationship. Why not ask him if he’d be amenable to the idea of going to talk to someone to become better at your relationship as a pair? You probably have things, he probably has things, you figure that, for as good as it is, you both deserve great, so why not? Mention it casually (maybe while driving somewhere or cooking), so it stays informal and give him a day or two to let it process. Then mention in an excited tone that you’ve heard great things about [insert counselor here] and would it be cool to try it out?
The goal here isn’t to make him feel screwed up or that you don’t want to listen to him talk anymore or that he needs the dreaded therapy, it’s that you’re excited by the idea of doing something together to make your bond as a pair stronger. You may discover things in the session that help you to understand his issues better and, if he’s as in need as you suspect, the therapist will suggest individual therapy and it’s far better to come from him/her than from you.
Hope this helps!
AnonInfinity
Thanks to everyone who provided advice about the gift last night! I ended up going to Target, looking for a potato ricer, panicking because they made the 5-minutes-til closing announcement, grabbing a nearby box of Pyrex, and loading up a generous (for me) gift card. Man, I love Pyrex.
I got a gift receipt in case she gets more Pyrex at the shower. I know she wants some because I saw it on her registry for a store that’s not located in my city.
Now I’m more excited about the shower because the gift stress is no longer hanging over me! Phew.
TCFKAG
You can never have too much pyrex.
cbackson
God, I love that Pyrex. I have soooooo much Pyrex.
TCFKAG
Just never transfer it from hot to cold too quickly. Unless you want to have less Pyrex in really dramatic fashion.
AnonInfinity
My grandma did this with a coconut cream pie once. If you’ve never seen a pie explode, it is a sight to behold. We also had to cut off little pieces of their linoleum because shards of glass were melted permanently to the floor.
anon
LOL, my sister was baking a small turkey in a pyrex dish at Thanksgiving, and when she pulled the rack out of the oven to check on the turkey, the dish shattered. Apparently the temperature change from the oven to room temp was too much. Thank goodness it wasn’t the main turkey, she had a bigger one cooking in the other oven, it was just extra. I also love pyrex, but apparently you shouldn’t cook a turkey in it.
TCFKAG
My friend blew up a pyrex by making a recipe that called for putting a water dish in the oven at some point in the baking process to sort of steam the dish (know what I mean) and boom, exploded in the oven. Apparently it sounded like the whole kitchen had exploded.
Tired Squared
TCFKAG, are you holding out on storytime??
Tired Squared
Okay, I clearly didn’t scroll far enough down to see your story because I asked for it. I’m sorry–really sleep-deprived right now!
TCFKAG
But I just told a story. :-P
I’ve actually never personally blown up a Pyrex. I love Pyrex, but actually much of my bakeware is Le Creuset.
cbackson
My ex-h always used to do this and it drove me insane. His rationale: “They used Pyrex on the space station!”
Which, I mean, sure, but even on the space station, I bet they didn’t take the Pyrex straight off the burner, open the airlock, and hurl it into deep space.
NOLA
This sounds like something my ex-h would have done! I would try to explain to him that if you’re doing something in a way that causes my nice things to break STOP DOING IT! But that never seemed to work. One of the many reasons why he’s ex.
Anonymous
cbackson – I just had a hilarious ‘hide a laugh at my desk’ mental image of a man in a spacesuit chucking cookware through deep space. Thanks, I needed that this afternoon.
KK
I never knew this could happen and I feel like this discussion just saved me from learning a lesson the hard (and loud!) way. Thanks ladies.
coco
This is only true to more recent pyrex, since it has been bought my corning. I researched this – it’s either from Cook’s Illustrated or Consumer Reports. This is why you will hve to pry my grandmother’s pryex out of my cold, dead hands.
Susan
Yay! Good job on the “turbo” gifting run at Target. :-)
Middle Coast
Just read an article about this. Older Pyrex (pre-1990s) was made in the USA and was indestructable. New stuff is made overseas with cheaper chemicals and blows up with sudden heat changes. This is the cause of many meth lab explosions. Now the meth lab operators hit estate sales, rummange sales and Goodwill stores looking for older Pyrex or steal lab glassware to cook their stuff.
anon
The mental picture of this made my day!
Looking
Any suggestions for a grad gift for a young male lawyer? He is good for ties and belts and fancy pens. I was thinking storage stuff or luggage/packing things for ties and cufflinks.
Susan
Good quality business card holder?
Always a NYer
Levenger has great wallets and card cases, not to mention their quality is top-notch.
TCFKAG
I’d get him the Curmudgeon’s Guide to Practicing Law. Its a great, short reference book for young lawyers.
conbrio
I was just going to say the same thing. Invaluable advice on every page.
conbrio
And if that one book isn’t as much as you would like to give, you could add one or more of the Bryan Garner books; e.g., The Elements of Legal Style, The Winning Brief, etc. In addition to being great resources, I think they are very attractive-looking books and would make a nice grouping on his bookshelf.
MaggieLizer
The contact info for the many young, intelligent, and beautiful single female lawyers from your ladyblog?
TCFKAG
LOL. This.
Eloise Speghetti
LOL. This.
a.
Or non-lawyers, because we have more free time and flexible schedules?
Former MidLevel
How about a nice garment bag to make any business-related plane travel easier?
Ruby
my spouse loves his watch storage box from brookstone
1L
Question for the hive:
I have been invited to my first recruitment dinner with a BigLaw firm. There are six first-year students, four upper-year students and two lawyers. From those of you that have been on the other side of hiring, what tips would you recommend? Off the top of my head, I: won’t talk about anything political, won’t eat anything messy, will turn my phone off and wear something respectable :-)
Any tips would be appreciated, thank you! I’m nervous and excited at the same time because I’m very, very interested in this firm.
1L
Also – how do you get the attention of the lawyers when there are so many other people? I figure that the upper-year students also want to get a feel for us as well as they are already hired with the firm.
anon
Read up on current (non-political) events and be able to discuss whatever is happening with the local sports team, if you have one.
Former MidLevel
The lawyers want to get to know you – you don’t really have to *try* to get their attention. Be polite, open and engaging and all will be well. It also helps to come armed with some good, well-researched questions that show a genuine interest in the firm, the people you are meeting with and/or the firm’s location.
anon
This probably goes without saying, but don’t drink too much. It is probably an asset to be able to appreciate a good wine, but not if you drink too much of it.
Clueless Summer
I’ve been the already-hired upper year and the recruitee in that equation. From my perspective, you definitely need to make nice with the upper years but they won’t have any real sway. Generally, we only gave opinions on either end of the spectrum – like, wow, that person is actually really horrible and rude, or wow, didn’t you find that candidate to be incredibly amazing. But they can be a great buffer and I find its always nice to get into a conversation with one student and one lawyer, since you’ll have probably more in common with the student.
Also – don’t be afraid to talk to the other first years!!! Yes, they’re your competition but I think the lawyers will be looking to that as well. I swear I got dinged from one firm because I had a nervous freak out at the end of the dinner and didn’t say goodbye or shake hands with the other students. Listen to their stories, respond appropriately. You don’t have to be the most fascinating, interesting person at the table.
Have lots of non-law things to talk about.
Don’t worry about what you order, although I always find it a PITA to be a woman in these situations, because they always ask you to order first, but I would generally say that everyone will have an appetizer and an entree in these situations. Do have a drink, don’t drink too much.
Sutemi
An unobtrusive way to ask if others are ordering apps or dessert is “I’ve never been here before, what would you recommend?”
anon
Stay positive, read the room: if the attorneys want to talk to you, listen. If they want questions from you, have some ready. Also know some things about the firm so you can answer the why are you interested in us question. Figure out the answers to obvious questions like your favorite class, etc. Have your elevator speech ready. They’ll likely want to talk about their law school experience, particularly since you are a 1L, so be ready for that. And put the best possible spin on your 1L experience. As for getting attorneys’ attention, be assertive and be your best conversationalist. And no matter how friendly the dinner, remember that it’s an interview from beginning to end. Good luck!
Two cents
Anyone interested in a pretty and classic red dress? Just came across this Nicole Miller one, lots of sizes left:
http://shop.nordstrom.com/s/nicole-miller-v-neck-crepe-sheath-dress/3209636?origin=category&resultback=7212
Anon456
That’s gorgeous!
Clueless Summer
My SO is travelling and has a big public presentation this week, but I can’t be there. I want to get something delivered to his hotel room for either the morning of or after the presentation. (If he was a woman, it would be a flowers kind of thing, but he just wouldn’t be into that.) The options I’ve come up with are getting room service to leave a bottle of wine in his room with a note from me (but gaahhh room service alcohol prices) or organizing some kind of gift basket to get delivered to the front desk. Any suggestions I’ve missed here? I just want it to be a gesture that I’m there and thinking of him, because I know many of the other SOs will be there.
NOLA
That’s so sweet! I’d either do some Googling of what’s available in that city for delivery to the hotel (pastries, chocolate, even liquor!) or call and ask to talk to the concierge desk at his hotel – they’ll probably have a suggestion.
TCFKAG
Pizza? Or chocolate covered strawberries or something like that from edible arrangements? Or nachos?
You can tell where my minds at right now, its lunch time here!
SB
I second edible arrangements. I am allergic to pollen, so flowers are never an option for me. My hubby always sends me edible arrangements. They look awesome and it’s healthy. They have all different sizes for your budget.
found a peanut
Oh wow I want nachos. Chipotle for lunch for me!
Eloise Speghetti
What about a more manly flower arrangement with bamboo or something like that? Look at FTD dot com I recently used a groupon I had through that company and they had some good ideas. NOT a cactus though (anyone watch the New Girl?).
half bottle of champagne sent to the room? What about a massage at the hotel spa?
MsZ
I second the massage point . . . and the cactus on New Girl was so funny!
Clueless Summer
Ooh I never thought of massage – I kind of love that idea!
karenpadi
I really like this for Silicon Valley business casual. I am seriously thinking of buying this for the spring transition and for keeping in my office over the summer for emergencies.
I have a friend whose husband has a plumber-friend. In response to a facebook post about my frustrations with finding a contractor, Husband put me in touch with the plumber-friend. Plumber-friend was super nice over the phone and has volunteered to come over to my house to tell me what he thinks should be done, how much it should cost, and to do any minor repairs I might need. I am humbled by his generosity.
He refuses to take any money from me but I feel like I should at least have some decent beer on hand when he comes over. Should I do anything else? I’m not much of a cook but I can throw together a decent meal.
Thanks!
TCFKAG
If he comes over at a meal-time, perhaps have pizza or sandwich fixings in the house and offer them up if he wants them. He’s obviously being extremely nice. I’d also send a nice thank you note afterwards and maybe a giftcard for something you’d think he’d like (maybe DH can have input).
But I think the best thing you can do for him is (if he does a good job of course) is refer him to friends who need plumbing work done, who he DOES feel comfortable taking money from. :-) So do that.
anon
Ditto – references are the most valuable thing, and liquid refreshment (depending on the time of day, offer coffee, or whatever) is nice and hospitable. Afterward, a thank you.
But I wouldn’t go overboard on the hostessing. It’s ultimately a professional engagement, even if the contact was initiated by a personal connection.
karenpadi
Thanks!
Disgruntled Bridesmaid
In need of somewhere to vent…
I HATE WEDDINGS!
To me, weddings are (have become) an awkward, insincere way to get attention and gifts. I am all riled up because one of my longtime friends is getting married this summer.
When she got engaged, she did not even ask me to be a bridesmaid, she just assumed I would. Nearly two years after her engagement, she told me she was coming into town to pick out dresses and that I had to be there. The dress is $250 and alterations (because of the style of dress) are going to be around $70. Add shoes, jewelry, etc. All former bridesmaids know how it goes…fine. She is also bringing in a private hair and makeup person for us…that we have to pay for.
Additionally, she is having a destination wedding. Neither she nor the groom (nor any of the guests) live anywhere near this destination. They are both from Wisconsin (currently living in California) and the wedding is in Virginia. The closest airport is an hour away from the hotel. She proceeds to tell everyone that it is necessary to rent a car for the weekend because there are so many events all over town for her wedding. The hotel that she has booked for guests costs $375 per night. I figure with the bridesmaids costs and the traveling (including DH) it will cost us at least $1500 or more to merely attend her wedding.
She is a great friend and I know the wedding will be very fun. I also knew it would cost a lot and that is just part of the deal. Again, all fine.
Yesterday, though, I begin perusing her THREE wedding registries. I should add here that she and her fiance have lived together for three years and own a home together. She has registered for hundreds of items, including $500 crystal bowls, Waterford china, etc.
Am I crazy, but is this whole thing just ridiculous??? How presumptuous to think that people will just do anything for you because it is your wedding. She has been very ungrateful for everything and has acted like we should be thanking her for the opportunity to attend such a lavish event.
Anyone else want to rant about weddings????
karenpadi
As someone from Wisconsin, even I refuse to get married in that state. It is impossible to fly into my hometown for less than $800 and everyone would need to rent a car (I’m not even sure my hometown has more than 10 rental cars). I missed more than one wedding because of money or not being able to take 5 days off to get there-party-and get back. But this destination doesn’t sound that much better.
Back when I was considering marrying a guy, I decided it was just going to be easier to get married in Vegas. I am from Wisconsin, he was from another remote part of the country, and our mutual friends are in Northern California. Basically, none of those locations were going to be fair to every group. I figured Vegas was easy to get to, has lots of things to do, and many different price points. My mom eventually came around (I had to threaten to run away and not invite anyone to my wedding). And, even though the relationship fell apart, I have friends who still ask if they’ll be invited to my Vegas wedding.
I figure a wedding is for the guests, so why make it more expensive than it needs to be to attend?
mamabear
Papabear and I also got married in Vegas (by an Elvis impersonator) and only about half of our invitees were able to attend, which we totally understood and completely expected. When someone has a destination wedding, they have to realize that not everyone will be able or willing to attend.
To the OP
I think you can reasonably put your foot down about some of these expenses. You don’t have to get your friend a gift, for instance, but tell her why – all of your expenses associated with being her bridesmaid are your gift to her. Or just get her a small gift. Perhaps you don’t stay at the $375 hotel.
You can’t go back in time, I understand, but you could also have said no to being a bridesmaid.
My friends and I are older, but one of our common jokes when one of us starts seeing someone is, “I’m very happy for you. Please don’t make me a bridesmaid.”
Disgruntled Bridesmaid
These are all great suggestions on how to save money. I am honestly not too concerned about paying, I can afford it. It would be a completely different situation if the money was my issue.
My whole point was about her attitude and the fact that she and her fiance are being so presumptuous about everything. Just because you know your guests can afford things, doesn’t mean you still shouldn’t be grateful!
Seattleite
I don’t think the problem is weddings in general. I think the problem is your friend. Many brides manage to get married without offending the bridal party and their guests in the process.
So, if you want to rant about entitled former friends, I can be right there with you.
CA Atty
One of my best friends in law school who would always say that we would be in each others weddings didn’t even invite me to hers. Her rationale was that it was a destination wedding and she and her new hubs wanted to keep their costs down. She still sent me an announcement card with her gift registry on it. I got the cheapest thing on it, which she actually broke before the wedding and went back onto the registry and re-registered for it! It was nuts and I’m still quite resentful about the whole thing.
I think the worst part was I couldn’t even tell her how I felt because before I even realized I was not invited, some of our other old friends who we had fallen out of touch with (not counting FB) were already complaining about not being invited and she complained to me about their complaining so I couldn’t even say “hey, wth?” Yep, still annoyed when I think about it.
CA Atty
Wow, reading some of these other stories is causing me to start feeling grateful my friend didn’t invite me to her wedding! Maybe my SO’s idea of eloping in Reno isn’t such a bad idea after all…
Pest
I think it is obnoxious to solicit gifts from people you did not invite.
Jordan
I had one like yours where I had to pay for a cabin for myself in Gatlinburg for four days. I didnt’ have vacation time at the time and I would literally miss four shifts to attend. The flight was not too bad.
About a month before the wedding, the bride asked if her sister and her other friend could stay at the cabin. Of course I said yes thinking the three of us would split the cost and that is why we room together. There was a king bed and a pull out couch in the cabin. Well, when we got there the other bridesmaids told me that the bride said they could crash with me for free, that started the weekend off just great. They told me if they had to pay, they would just GO SLEEP AT THE BRIDE”S CABIN.
Those girls did bring a bunch of alcohol for the trip which they refused to share. Then, I had to buy the dress which I ripped because I sat on a cup full of forks someone put on my chair (seriously!) so I couldn’t even use the dress at the other weddings that year. The hillbilly preacher did not even have the “bridesmaids” stand up front or do anything separate from the crowd during the ceremony! In fact, there were no groomsmen at all so we did not even take pictures.
The bride ended up being about 10 weeks pregnant by the time the wedding came so we couldn’t go whitewater rafting, again something I had already paid for in advance to surprise her.
To put a big fat cherry on that, we are not even friends to this day, so I cannot punish her in my future wedding.
Total cost – $2500
Eleanor
This is out of control. Please keep in mind that it is entirely, completely ok for you to tell her that you can’t afford some of the expenses, like maybe the hair and makeup person. Don’t get them a gift – your presence and participation in all this nonsense should be enough. Finally, based on what you’ve said your ‘friend’ doesn’t actually care whether anyone else (you) enjoys or can afford this wedding. She’s not acting like a friend…are you sure she really considers you a friend, or just someone to shower her with attention and gifts?
Susan
Nothing wrong with weddings, but plenty wrong with Bridezillas.
She’s being ridiculous and frankly, she’s being a b*tch. Are you sure she’s really a great friend? If you are sure that she is, maybe you need to sit her down and tell her that she’s making unreasonable demands and to tone it down already. She sounds like she’s really missing the point, and really, this is the sort of thing that makes people re-evaluate friendships, and often for the worse.
KK
Yes! This was going to be my point. The problem is not the concept of weddings, it’s your crappy, entitled friend.
I paid for all of my bridesmaids dresses and hair/makeup/nails. I was actually shocked when people pointed out to me that this was not the norm. I had only been in one wedding before- and it was my sister’s so my mom paid for the dress. It just seems so bizarre to me that you get to order someone to buy a dress of your choosing (and sometimes shoes too), plus demand hair/makeup and nails at their expense? It’s not for them, it’s for the bride. Absurd. I know it is not the custom but if it were up to me, the bride would always pay. It’s just part of the wedding costs, not some sort of bizarre friendship tax. The only exception being where there is some sort of gross income disparity and the bridesmaid offers to pay.
TCFKAG
One of my registries was filled with straight up embarassingly expensive things, that I didn’t expect most (or any) of my friends to get me anything from! They were for close family only really, but they were included on the registry list in case (a couple of people got me like a glass, which frankly, I appreciated). Actually, my husband and I got most of the stuff off that registry for ourselves after the wedding to take advantage of the discount.
Thats why people have multiple registries, one presumably has lower priced gifts.
Okay — now I’m done defending your friend, because she sounds like she’s being a total bridezilla. I tried to keep the costs to my bridesmaids as low as possible, made sure the dresses were truly reusable, and paid for their hair and makeup for them. There are a few expenses that as a guest at the wedding you might have to pay for anyway (hotel, travel) — but the hair, the makeup, the special dress, the shoes (god the shoes) etc. should be either covered or made as affordable as possible. All other extra trips should be either fun and optional (as in something you’d really enjoy and truly optional) or non-existent.
These are the TCFKAG rules for brides…disobey at your peril. :-P
TCFKAG
And you may have a so-called “destination” wedding if you come from somewhere sucky — but try to make it as convenient as possible for your traveling guests. Especially the young, broke ones by coordinating rides and shared hotel rooms.
karenpadi
Thanks! I’m assuming Wisconsin counts as “sucky”. I’m sticking to my destination wedding (barring a future husband objecting).
Sconnie
This. Absolutely.
It’s ok to have an expensive wedding, but try to ease the burden on others and be prepared for people not to attend. Also, don’t be a jerk and say please and thank you.
I also wanted to second that it’s ok to have multiple registries like TCFKAG explains. I had three, which covered three price points and made sure there were B&M and online choices for everyone.
Disgruntled Bridesmaid
This makes me laugh. Her three registries are 1.) Williams-Sonoma (registered for all the expensive kitchen gadgets; 2.) Crate and Barrel (registered for all Le Creuset and a $1200 pots and pans set) and 3.) Macy’s (where she registered only for the previously mentioned china, place settings, and crystal)…..
Sconnie
Yeah, those are awfully similar and lacking in a lower point option. I did W-S for Le Creuset and small kitchen stuff (spatulas, lemon reamer, etc); Macy’s for china and crystal, and Bed Bath & Beyond for everything else.
I understand your frustration because she’s expecting everything and giving nothing. It sounds to me like each individual expense/demand/choice would be ok (dare I say reasonable?) on its own. I’ll repeat that – on its own. But all of them together is nuts. She’s not throwing you a bone on any front. If she picked up the tab on something, that would help. But nope, nada.
Maybe the wedding will be open bar? If it is, drink up.
TCFKAG
When everything on all the registries is too expensive (though possibly everything cheap has already been purchased) I read that for code for “just give me cash”. And I deduct $10 for every time I’ve b*tched about the wedding to a friend. :-)
Seriously though, some girls become bridezillas during their wedding and then return to sanity afterwards. Give her a chance, maybe she’ll come back around, especially if she’s never shown any tendencies toward pre-madonaish behavior before.
Susan
Just get her whatever you want that’s generally reasonable. No Whoopee-cushion even if you’d like to. :-) But it doesn’t have to be from her registry– registries are useful to make sure someone doesn’t get 50 toasters, but gifting shouldn’t be restricted to only the items on the registries, especially when the couple has put on only very expensive items.
Besides, if she’s an ingrate, no matter what you get her, she won’t appreciate anyways, so get her whatever you want without it being an openly offensive gift.
goirishkj
Love these rules! I got married first out of my friends so I had to rely on my mom’s advice on how not to abuse my bridesmaids–so I coordinated rooms, paid for their dresses and really tried to make everything as simple as possible. I did have one registry just with crystal since I wanted Waterford and planned to buy my own pieces with the post-wedding discount offered by the store. My other registry was at a MUCH lower price point.
To the OP–sorry about your friend’s behavior. I’ve been a bridesmaid twice and it never ceases to amaze me how weddings make otherwise rational women behave badly! And it seems the more times the bride was previously a bridesmaid, the morre demanding she becomes! No advice, but internet hugs to you. Being a bridesmaid should be a joy and it’s a shame when brides make it a chore.
engaged
You could give her the A Practical Wedding book as a wedding planning gift. Centered, chill, guest-appreciating advice.
dsd
Did I just write this?
I just realized that the thing that was getting to me about this more than anything else was the presumption that of course(!) I’m happy to miss days of work, schedule my weekends around event after event and spend more than 1,000 to be a supportive friend….
And I am a supportive friend! Just give me the chance to share in your joy — don’t force it all.
Okay, I’m done.
SC
I would suggest talking to your friend about these expenses and trying to find out whether she really feels that they are all necessary. I know you said below that you can afford to pay for it but are bothered by the presumptuousness of it all, but if particular requests/expenses are bothering you, ask her what she needs for you to do in order for her to feel supported. If she knows that you can afford it, she may not realize that you’re bothered by her “requests.” Basically, give her a chance to stop being “bridezilla” and/or to explain her choices if you’re feeling that she’s taking advantage of your friendship.
Pest
I think your rant is over the line. If you can’t afford the wedding, then don’t go. If you can’t afford the $500 crystal bowl, then don’t buy it. If you can’t afford the bridesmaid dress, then tell her you can’t be one. I might be in the minority here, but I think it is OK to back out of the bridesmaid thing if you find out after you agreed that dress is exorbitantly expensive and you can’t afford it. FYI, your friend is aware that not all of her invited guests will be able to afford to attend a destination wedding or buy the most expensive gifts on her registry.
Disgruntled Bridesmaid
Again, the point is not that I cannot afford all of these things. I can. I have no problem shelling out the money for someone who is genuinely grateful for support, happy to be getting married, and looking to celebrate with good intentions. My rant is that I cannot stand brides (and sometimes grooms) who feel that just because they are getting married they are ENTITLED to whatever they want. Case in point – my beef with the registries. People used to give brides and grooms housewares because they were just starting out and moving to their first home. I fail to see why someone EXPECTS their friends and relatives to buy them housewares when they have owned a home together as a couple for three years. At that point, a registry becomes “get me all this new great stuff I think I deserve because I’m getting married,” and not “help us start our new life together.”
Your wedding is for you. No matter how much you think it’s great, most people would rather spend their money and time doing something else. The point is that people want to support you on “your big day” because they care about you. I stop caring when you act entitled and make guests and attendants feel like they are privileged to attend your special day. Do not assume that people don’t want to do expensive things related to your wedding because they can’t afford it- if you act like this, there may be better ways I should be spending my money.
Pest
Is there something specific you can point to that she said or did (other than just plan an expensive wedding) that you think shows she acts “entitled and make guests and attendants feel like they are privileged to attend your special day” ? From what you described in your original post, there was nothing in her behavior that would lead a reasonable person to think she felt “entitled.” She merely invited you to participate in these events that cost money to attend. You are griping that they cost money. Well, if you don’t want to spend the money, then don’t go.
Yes, most people used to wait to live together until after they got married, but sometimes they don’t anymore. People don’t just register for basic housewares. Why would your friend register for spatulas if she already has them? It is common for people who do not want to pay the full amount for a registry gift to just give cash or give a gift card for one of the registry stores.
From the sound of your comments, I think that you should just decline all of these things you were invited to participate in. I can’t imagine that she would want you there if she read your comments.
Bonnie
I don’t think registering for housegoods when you’ve been living together is entitled. My SO and I lived together for a short while before we married and were using my grad school Targets pots and pans, etc. We registered for expensive cookware, knowing that we would not be in a position to buy nice things for ourselves for some time. As long as the gift registry also includes cheaper items, I do not see anything wrong with that.
karenpadi
The OP said that it’ll cost $1500 to attend the wedding. That’s a lot of money. For anyone. Having an event that will cost that much without trying to defray those costs is implicitly acting entitled.
How about the destination? Why pick a location that isn’t within 15 minutes of a major airport serviced by lots of competing airlines? Why pick a location that requires a car rental? Why pick a location that has only a few expensive hotels? Why pick a location where there is _nothing_ to do or see besides a few trees and a lake? Not to beat my own drum, but I chose Vegas for these reasons. I was also considering NYC or DC.
Furthering the entitlement, the bridesmaid dress costs $250, the shoes cost $70. That’s a $320 outfit. That’s not restraint or thriftiness, that’s indulgence. For weddings where I am not a bridesmaid, I wear a dress I already have or one that I was able to shop for myself (hello clearance sales). I might chose a dress or shoes I can wear again.
Having hair and make-up done professionally is expensive. IME, it’ll end up being at a posh place and include a “spa day” (mani/pedi/???) and a “day of” appointment. That can add up to $200, easily (mani/pedi/massage/facial $60-$100 or more + hair/make-up (plus the $25 lipstick for touch-ups) $75 + tips).
In my case, I was fully planning to take bridemaids on a volunteer-only basis and I was going to select black or navy at J Crew so they could pick out their own dresses and the dresses are likely to be re-usable (plus costing way less than $250). With their own dresses, they can wear their own shoes (why does a bride always chose shoes that are no good for dancing?). I was planning to pay for the spa + hair + makeup myself. IMHO, that is how a bride avoids being entitled when doing a destination wedding.
Shaken
While driving to work this morning I apparently became one of the first to arrive at the scene of a very bad accident between a motorcycle and a car. I did not witness the accident; I was behind a couple of other cars that all suddenly slowed when we realized that there was a body laying in the middle of the street (the motorcyclist). At that point the person sort of rolled onto his back. Everyone stopped immediately and many jumped out of their cars, although some people just drove on. Joggers and people from nearby apartments came running out. I didn’t know what to do. I stopped my car so that it was partially blocking traffic so that people would have to slow way down, but I did not get out of my car. I started to reach for my phone to call 911, but could see that several of the pedestrians were also pulling out/dialing their phones. I have no medical expertise. I sat there and all I could think was that someone should divert the traffic so that people wouldn’t keep driving by the motorcyclist. However, at this point, the traffic was moving extremely slowly because it was obvious that something was happening at that intersection. There were about 5 people huddled around/helping the motorcyclist. Finally, not knowing what else to do, I just drove on to work. I feel crappy about this. I felt crappy while I was driving away and started tearing up. What is the “right” thing to do in this situation?
mamabear
You did the right thing. When emergency workers arrived, they would have made everyone clear out. Sometimes it’s better just not to be in the way.
One potential future improvement – ask someone to call 9-1-1 on a land line. Mobile 9-1-1 calls often have longer hold times than land line calls, and with land lines the dispatcher can better pinpoint your location.
I know how you feel, though. I saw a car get hit by a train a few years ago and I’m still not over it.
Bluejay
I think you did exactly the right thing – you didn’t interfere in a situation that you couldn’t help with. Since you didn’t witness the crash, you wouldn’t have been of use to give the police a report, either. If it would help you, you could call the hospitals or police station and see if you can find out what happened to the motorcyclist.
karenpadi
You did exactly the right thing. In first responder courses, the first step for helping is to assess the situation and determine if it is safe to approach the victim. You made the situation safe. You did that. Kudos Shaken!
Because of you, the first responders could safely approach the victim without worrying about being hit by other cars.
Anon
I think you did the right thing. If you don’t know how to help the person medically and others were already calling 911, then the best thing to do is get out of the way so that the ambulance can get through. It is always traumatic to witness an accident though.
TCFKAG
If you have no ability to help and the person was already being assisted, you’ve done everything you could do! If you’re religious, I guess you can pray that the motorcyclist is okay. If not, send good karma into the universe.
Eleanor
You did the right thing. Once you saw other people were helping the person, your getting out of your car too, or calling to report an accident that was already being reported multiple times, would only have added to the confusion and stress of the situation. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is recognize you are really not needed. I don’t blame you for being shaken, though.
Totes McGotes
This. Hugs to you.
Susan
Hey there, dearie, you did everything right. The only thing left to do is to not beat yourself up about it. We can’t all be superheroes, but the urge to help is a good thing, nevertheless.
As others have said, you didn’t get in the way of those with medical training, you made it safer for them to access the injured, and you kept yourself safe. You did just fine!
Shaken
Thanks all. This was giving me bad-conscience feelings, but I feel better knowing that I didn’t miss doing something obvious that I should have known to do.
ANON
I disagree. I think you should have stuck around for the police or ambulance to come before driving off. That way traffic would be slowed to further risk injury to someone helping and also to give a witness account.
All in all, people are different. I jump to help, others sit waiting knowing someone else is better qualified to help. I’m not knocking you, just saying that if you were not going to help, at least stick around to give a report. Especially if you were close enough to see the man and could divert traffic.
Suited Up
I disagree with ANON and agree w/ everyone else…you did not do anything wrong. Because you didn’t see the accident occur, there isn’t much of anything that you could tell emergency workers or police- besides, there were already numerous other people there, some of which I assume actually witnessed the accident and can provide a full eye-witness account. Unless you have specific medical training, there wasn’t anything you could do on that front either and in fact, at the very least would have been in the way of those who could help or at worst, could have made the situation worse (by trying to medically assist someone when you don’t know how to do so.) Try to take care of yourself today and relax- that is a terrible thing to see- but please don’t beat yourself up over this.
Eloise Speghetti
My dad saw the immediate aftermath of a women who was riding a bicycle get hit by a car. He said her brains were exposed but she was still moving on the hood of the car. This was when I was 5 years old but I will never forget his reaction (and description – I think I cried). He brought home helmets for my mother and I for our bikes that night (which was a big deal because we were very, very poor and people did not really wear helmets in the early 80s). But the point is, he saw it happen and then drove away from the scene immediately to buy helmets.
If you cannot think of what you would have done to help besides stand around and block traffic (and an ambulance), you were right to get out of the way. Share it with your family and friends. Do not think that the focus is going to be “could you have helped?” because there is no way that you could have. It will feel good to talk about and maybe you will spread motorcycle safety in the process. I still wear a helmet to this day! While riding a bicyle…
DA
Got a callback for a 3rd interview (government job, civil lit)!
But I only have two “interview” skirt suits, one is black pinstripe, the other is gray. I have already met 6 people from the office in previous interviews and I am not sure if any of the interviewers will be repeaters.
So, hive, what do I do about clothing. Do I:
– repeat a suit with a different top underneath?
– wear my best pantsuit?
– go look for a new suit (even though I am unemployed and watching every penny)?
– try to dress up one of my other skirt suits?
TCFKAG
Its a government job, so (a) I think a pants suit is totally fine. If you are comfortable in your pants suit I think this is probably your best option.
I also think you’re fine wearing either of your skirt suits with another top (probably preferably the one you wore longest ago).
Seriously, these people have probably interviewed a lot of people, though each of your interactions with them is seared in your memory, yours is probably hazier to them. I wouldn’t worry about it too much.
TCFKAG
Oh, and congrats! And good luck!!!
CA Atty
This. I recently got my government job and I really only wore one suit for both interviews. I just wore completely different colors and did my hair, makeup and jewelry differently (which was completely unnecessary!) and the interviews were about 2-3 weeks apart. Nobody here even wears suits that I’ve seen yet. (Maybe one guy, he had arbitrations recently.)
CA Atty
Sorry, different color shirts. Not feeling well today and am not sure how coherent I am or will continue to be.
Just hired
I actually wore the exact same outfit – suit, top, shoes – to both my screening interview and callback interview for the school that hired me. It was my favorite interview outfit of all the ones I wore during the “market” season and it made me feel extra-confident. Plus, I doubt anyone noticed.
Former MidLevel
Either the pantsuit or repeating a skirt suit with a different top would be fine. Frankly, even if you have repeat interviewers, I doubt they will remember what suit you wore to previous interviews. Wear whatever makes you the most comfortable – and good luck!
Samantha
Agree that any of the above is fine.
As an interviewer, I can attest that I rarely ever notice interview suits (or remember if the person even wore a skirt or a pant suit) unless the suit is particularly unprofessional or inappropriate.
Wear whatever you’re most comfortable and confident in!
A government lawyer
Any of the possiblities you list are fine. So long as you look professional, you’re good. Any government lawyer with an extensive, fashionable wardrobe probably has either a trust fund or a high earning partner. Or possibly she is an expert at shopping consignment and thrift shops – I know a few of these and wish I had the patience for it. The expectation is going to be that you look professional, not that you display the great depth of your wardrobe. And, GOOD LUCK on your interview. [That felt a bit Ellen-ish, but I mean it. : ) ]
A Preston
I was wondering if anyone’s a PMP (Project Management Professional) here…
Would it help if I attend training classes to give my exam? I’m moderately busy and work 8-9 hrs a day. Is there any good book I can start reading for a jump-start?
PM
I am, and would be happy to bore you to tears with advice. But at least start with way: Buy the Rita Mulcahy exam prep book direct from her site rmcprojectmanagement dot com and then review the requirements at PMI dot org. I opted to take a course geared to help you pass the exam, and could also use those class hours to meet the requirements set down by PMI. Take a look at that stuff, and post again if you want to know more.
eek
Do you have the 35 hours to sit for the exam? I took a prep class to get my education credits and as part of that received the PMBOK, the Rita Mulcahy book (6th ed), and Exam Cram for PMPs. I didn’t open the PMBOK and studied exclusively using the Rita book, the Exam Cram book and my own notes/ppt slides from the class.
The Rita book follows the PMBOK very closely. Her test questions at the end of each chapter are much more difficult than the exam, so I was well prepared for the exam (didn’t know it at the time). One thing that you do have to know for certain is the order of each process, which process group it falls into as well as the tools/techniques/inputs/outputs of each process (The Rita book has them and I spread them out all over the dining room table and ordered them, until I got it right). Despite learning most of the formulas, I didn’t have very many math questions. Had a fair amount of ethics questions. And, I actually had an Ishikawa diagram as one of the questions.
If you don’t have the 35 hours, I would take the prep class just for the supplemental materials and because it forces you to learn the material — I know there is a new exam based on 5th edition material. Also, I worked full time and was in my last semester of my MBA, so it’s definitely doable. Highly recommend the Rita Mulcahy book.
A Preston
Thank you, PM and eek. I don’t have 35 hrs, I first need to check my course work in undergrad and grad to see what could be useful here but I will take the prep class. And also buy the Rita Mulcahy exam prep book.
How long did you guys take to finish the material to be prepared for the exam? This question may also depend on how deeply involved you are into proj mgmt activities at work
PM
I gave myself about four months to prep. The class was four Saturdays in March and I took a few days off work right before I took the test in June. I had done formal project management ten years earlier so I was familiar with the terms, but I had a lot of holes in my knowledge. I would never have passed without the prep class, but I took the cheapest class I could find.
eek
My exam prep instructor was wonderful; if you need a recommendation in VA, let me know. I took a 10 week class but a lot of employers in this area offer it as a week long program. I think the 10 weeks was better because it allowed me time to absorb the information. Many of the people in my class took the exam within a few weeks of finishing the class or took it during the class. Not me, I’m a procrastinator. I finished in December and waited til end of Feb to schedule the exam. When I paid for the exam, I found out that I was “randomly selected for audit” so I had to send in a bunch of stuff (transcripts of PM coursework, photocopy of degree, signed statements of my 4500 work hours). To be fair, they were prompt and it only set me back a few days. I took the exam in early March. Passed. Went to Nordstrom and bought a new purse. Next day flew to Cali to meet SO that was returning from deployment the next day.
PM
This is such a happy image — passing your test and then getting to see your SO!
eek
I know — that totally overshadowed passing the exam, but I knew if I didn’t take the exam before he got back, I’d be caught up in bliss and wouldn’t do it. This current long distance stretch/deployment, I’m taking piano lessons.
Anon
I was wondering if this is normal…I have tried to share this with my friends but they usually brush it off…
I am in my late 20’s and a few years into a career I now realize I am not excited about and don’t want to spend the rest of my life working in. I have spend a considerable amount of time looking inward as to what I want and what will make me happy in a career. I have narrowed it down to a few options I am carefully researching. One of them is a career that is in a struggling industry and would require me to take on extra edcuational expense. This is a career that I have thought about for a long, long time but never went for it because when I was younger I didn’t have the confidence. I think about this *all the time* (literally multiple times a day it is exhausting!) I don’t want to make the wrong choice and have it be my biggest regret. I can’t get myself to take the leap because I worry I am too old to fail and start over.
I have only shared this with one friend and she said my behavior is “obsessive” and that I need to just get over it. Not sure what to do but I know I need to make a change!
Leslie Knope
Have you reached out to people in the struggling industry and asked to do informational interviews with them? They would have a good perspective on the pros and cons. For example, in my industry, the prestige of one’s grad program is far, far less important than one’s internships, research projects, etc. I wish I had known that before committing to a higher-cost, higher-prestige program. Make sure you meet with a wide variety of people.
Also, try to envision your life in 2017 if you pursue New Career A vs Grad Program B vs staying in Original Field C. You can’t see into the future, but it can help you clarify your anxieties about happiness, finances, etc.
Always a NYer
If this is something you’ve thought long and hard about it, I say go for it! Make sure you have a backup and are prepared for multiple outcomes but don’t be afraid to try just because it might fail.
And you aren’t too old. I’m not sure what your personal obligations are (family, SO), but it’s best to chase the pipe dream when you have no ties keeping you where you are. Who cares if your friends don’t approve, as long as you’re doing what makes you happy do it.
KK
Oh lord, please tell me the struggling industry isn’t law? Just kidding. Life is short, if you really need to change careers, go for it. You’re only in your late 20s, so you have a good 40 years of work ahead of you, if you’re lucky enough to be able to retire in your 60s which, these days, who knows? 40 years. That is a long time to hate what you do. BUT watch it with the debt. Can you do anything to minimize it? i.e. work and pursue the education part time, go to a cheaper school/program, pursue a similar career that requires less debt for entry?