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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 256 Comments · by

Coffee Break – Valentina printed patent pumps

Coffee Break | ·

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Valentina printed patent pumpsI like these d'Orsay pumps from J.Crew in a “light walnut black.” The mid-heel height, combined with the very wearable pattern, make me think these would get a ton of mileage at the office. They're priced at $129 right now (were $248), but the FabFeb sale (still going through Wednesday!) gets you 20% off with purchases of $150+ — so I'd throw a t-shirt into my order as well and basically get the shirt for free. Valentina printed patent pumps (L-2)

Sales of note for 9.30.24

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

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About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. AnonInfinity

    Is it weird to give cash or a gift card at a wedding shower? I always give cash at weddings (because that’s what my husband and I most appreciated), but I’m not sure what the etiquette is at a shower.

    Thoughts?

    • D

      If they’re asian or ethnic, no.

      Otherwise, I don’t know. Though cash is more liquid….

      • K in NYC

        if you don’t mind folks knowing the exact amount you spent, gift cards or cash are great (for the same reason you loved them), if you’re trying to disguise that you can’t afford to spend as much as you’d like, it’s far easier to find a sale-priced gift and let them think you spent more :)

    • Cat

      I bring an actual gift if attending in person – because the gift-opening at a shower is so public, (1) it feels weird to have an obvious dollar amount opened in front of other guests and (2) the bride/mom can hold up whatever rather than trying to shout out about the gift card.

      If not attending, I might just send a gift card to the bride (particularly if the registry stores don’t offer free shipping).

      • rosie

        Agreed. Part of a shower is opening presents, and it seems weird to me to have a cash gift or a gift card. I received one gift card at my bridal shower, and it accompanied a few smaller kitchen items and was to a store based in the town where the wedding was going to be held.

      • SF Bay Associate

        #1 reason I didn’t have a shower – I hate opening gifts in front of people. Plus, it always felt like a competition at every shower I’ve been to – the most expensive, the most artfully wrapped, the most components, the most thoughtful and off registry, the worst, etc. Blech.

        • Merabella

          This! I cringed at my own shower when my mother insisted that I have to open presents in front of everyone. I really didn’t like it, it made me very uncomfortable. I agree with everyone else though that for a shower where you are attending, you need to bring a gift, not cash.

        • Bluejay

          Oh that’s my favorite part of the shower! I love seeing what everyone got the bride.

          • TCFKAG

            I love seeing what everyone else gets the bride. But I kind of hated being watched while I opened presents. I don’t really love being the center of attention, which made the whole getting married thing a bit of a goat riot (was that it) from start to finish. :-)

    • TCFKAG

      At some point, a few months ago, there was an extended debate about this on here and it turned out it broke down regionally and also culturally and also possibly family by family — meaning that who the heck knows. But if I was going to do it, I’d probably give a gift card just because of the whole weirdness of opening cash in front of people.

    • AnonInfinity

      Good point about it being more fun to open a thing rather than a gift card. Now I wish I had not procrastinated on ordering something. Boo.

        • TCFKAG

          Yup, I’d get a gift card to bed bath and beyond and then a fun kitchen gadget that’s not on their registry or something cool and little from a local store and just kind of attach it with a ribbon or something. If you know what I mean?

          • AnonInfinity

            See… This is why I come here. Y’all are brilliant — Target gift card and small kitchen gadget and no extra fees for expedited shipping. Fantastic.

    • Bluejay

      Assuming it’s not a lingerie shower (which nearly all of the showers I’ve been to have been), if they registered I would just buy something off the registry, because I think the bride might be too busy to go shopping as it gets closer to her wedding. I know some people don’t like registries, but I like knowing that the bride and groom genuinely want the thing I gave them. Otherwise, I think cash or a gift card is fine, because everyone genuinely wants cash or a gift card.

      • AIMS

        I’m normally in favor of actual gifts whenever possible, but I think it can also be nice to get a gift card to the store where you registered because often you don’t get everything you wanted, and this allows the couple to easily round out their registry. I sometimes think it’s a shame that stores don’t allow you to rank registries by order of desire — so many people I know have gotten married and really wanted that salad spinner that no one got them and instead ended up with 7 out of 12 forks. It’d be nice to see what the couple actually really wants out of their selections.

        • Ellie

          My registry lets me rank things. It is really nice– I think Amazon does it.

          • TCFKAG

            Amazon does let you rank things. But word of warning about the Amazon registry. Its great, except that older people seem utterly flummoxed by it. So they will just go to the store and by the things. So you’ll end up with 18 sets of your flatware or whatever, and Amazon’s re-stocking policy is a pain in the *ss.

            Seriously, older people (not all of them, but many of them) are seriously scared of Amazon, just FYI.

          • zora

            I’m scared of Amazon. I like it in theory, but their website is a regular goat rodeo, if you will…..

          • Ellie

            TCFKAG– good to know, thanks for the heads up.

            zora– Really? That’s funny. I do almost all my non-grocery, non-clothing shopping on there. I think I get 4 packages from Amazon a week. I LOVE them.

          • another anon

            I’ve noticed the same thing about Amazon registries/wish lists and older people. Especially if you use the universal wish list function.

    • anon prof

      Me too! Let’s hope they read this blog. (If so, please get more of those byzantine blue jackets in size 12.)

  3. K in NYC

    An update, as promised (though I’m still beyond floored that y’all care and post to ask):

    Any Corporettes in South FL? After a lot of soul searching, 3+ mos of no real job prospects, and a whole lotta losses, I’ve decided to move to the Miami area. I finished my Master’s there so I have alumni job fairs and internship connections and such. I also have cousins who’ll let me save my unemployment and live with them as I work to pay off the 11k in vet bills I incurred (that were worth every penny). Plus I’ll need to find some cool thrift stores to buy more weather-appropriate clothing (though I do still hope to someday raid the donation bags of Corporetters since y’all are so darned stylish)!

    I plan to leave NYC in a month or so, which means renting a car, selling my furniture, and driving to OH where my old car is at my bio mother’s, then making the drive from OH to just south of Miami. So so much change in such a short amount of time, but maybe having some support locally (in FL) will mean not having to lean on y’all as much. My cousins are also ok with me adopting a rescue dog whenever I’m ready and, though their house will make me qualified to adopt from most shelters, it’ll take time to save up the approx. $300 for most standard adoption fees.

    As for the healing process, I’m down to crying only about twice a day and I’ve made it as far as sleeping 4-5 hrs a night, so I guess that’s improvement.

    Truly, thank you guys for all of the emails and the caring, they’ve literally and figuratively been a lifeline and continue to be so.

    • a.

      Big hugs! It sounds like the change of scenery could do you a lot of good. I’m so glad to hear that things seem to be moving in the right direction for you :)

    • SF Bay Associate

      More love and hugs, K. Thanks for letting us know how you are doing. And good for you for being brave and moving to FL – it sounds like a really smart decision. Hang in there, and keep us updated please.

    • Tired Squared

      Unfortunately I’m not in Florida, otherwise I’d love to meet up. But thanks for keeping us updated … and hugs to you as you continue through the grieving process.

    • Monday

      I’m impressed at how you’re dealing, K. Wishing you more strength and faith. Keep us all posted, and when “in NYC” stops being correct let us know your new alias! Changing it can be one more (symbolic) opportunity to start over.

      • Sweetknee

        If you are coming through South Carolina and need to stop driving for a while, message me. I will be happy to meet up with you, etc.

    • TCFKAG

      Well, don’t hesitate to lean on us if you need us! And send some South Florida warmth to us. And maybe some ceviche. And a cuban sandwich.

    • Bonnie

      Hugs to you K. FWIW, it may help you to get another dog sooner than later. We were really upset when our cat died and adopting another one really helped us deal with the grief.

      • K in NYC

        I want one sooner, for that very reason, but I paid a fortune for Nikko all while being unemployed and I’ll have moving costs and such, so the typical $300ish adoption fee is just out of my price range for a while :(

        • Totes McGotes

          I am crossing fingers that you meet the perfect dog on the road. You never know!

    • Totes McGotes

      Congrats on finding the strength to make this change! I hope it will be a wonderful adventure. Along those lines, if you let us know what route you’re taking, I bet plenty of us would love to host/entertain/hug you on the way!

      • K in NYC

        What an incredible mental image, Totes!

        I’ll be driving from the Cleveland area to just south of Miami, so I’ll put the addresses into my GPS and let it direct me… so probably google maps would show y’all the route… am going to use my returned security deposit from my moving out here to help me pay to fly a friend up from Miami so I won’t be making the drive solo but still, it’ll be 10 hrs from NYC to OH, then meeting the friend, then 22ish hrs over 2 days to get to the Miami area. Whew!

        • anon

          You’ll be driving right into springtime :) … think of it that way. Safe travels!

        • TCFKAG

          Out of curiosity I looked the route up, looks like a nice drive. Google maps has you going right through West Virginia and South Carolina and then shooting down the coast of Georgia (I think), so it’ll be pretty.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      K, a close friend moved to Fort Myers for work and while I’ve only been there once, I loved it. I know you will be east and she is west but it is south florida all the same. The weather is beautiful and it is hard to be grumpy surrounded by sunshine. I hope you love it!

    • Gail the Goldfish

      I can think of no better place for a fresh start than somewhere where the average low in January is 60 degrees. Just drive toward the warmth:-) Good luck!

    • Coach Laura

      Good luck K! When my soul-mate dog was in her last weeks, we got word that her great-grand-daughter had just been born. While not a replacement, a new companion is a blessing. You are the soul-mate to another dog out there. I hope you have good travels. You are lucky to have the support of cousins. Best wishes.

    • ss

      Just saw this. Glad to hear things are slowly getting better and Florida plus cousins sound like a wonderful idea. All the best as you pack and wind things up, and have a safe trip down.

  4. Fiona

    Does anyone have commuter shoes that they’d recommend? My commute involves a good mile of walking — a good chunk of it uphill on brick sidewalks — so I need something sturdy and comfortable enough for a good walk, but I’d like to find something that is at least a little bit stylish in case I run into people I know along the way. Any suggestions?

  5. Boyfriend TJ

    I’ve been dating a really nice guy for about three months. We’ve become pretty serious pretty quickly, in part because we were friendly/flirting for a while before we started dating but mostly because we just click in a lot of ways.

    I’ve recently started to recognize that he’s not as considerate as I’d want my partner to be. He hasn’t had much/any real relationship experience, so I understand there’s a learning curve there. And he and I are still very new. When I point out hurtful/thoughtless actions, he makes a genuine effort to improve them. I’ve seen a lot of improvement, but I’m still having to point out a lot of things even though I pick my battles carefully. I’m trying to be patient, but I’m becoming increasingly frustrated. He’s also frustrated with how difficult he’s finding it to be the kind of partner he wants to be and imagined he would be.

    Any advice or personal anecdotes about dealing with guys like this? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel here or am I just wasting my time? TIA!

    • anon

      ditto. need more info. from what you describe, this could be a case of a) he’s immature and needs time to grow up a bit b) you need to chill and stop nagging him so much or most likely c) something in between.

    • boyfriends

      I agree about needing a few more details, but I would say that my husband took (and sometimes, still takes!) a long time to figure out how to be considerate. I’d also say there’s a difference between considerate and romantic. My husband is an engineer, and while he’s ridiculously smart about a lot of things, his social skills are not the best. So, even after 7 years together (married 3.5 years), we still have to have “the talk” about twice a year. “The talk” includes a reminder to send me a sweet text message every so often, to ask if I’m also planning to be home for dinner if he decides to cook, not to just toss my work dresses onto the drying rack so they end up wrinkled, etc. etc. Some of it is just that we’re both independent, and he works remotely, so he really only has to think of his own needs 99% of the time. I would also say that if you’re talking about romance, you might need to adjust what you view as romantic. My husband does a lot of really sweet things in his own way, but not everyone would agree that they’re sweet, if that makes sense. One Valentine’s Day, he made me a program that showed pictures of different types of flowers every time you hit refresh, and emailed it to me. After one particularly big fight, he managed to find my car at a movie theater parking lot to leave an “I’m sorry” note on the windshield (we were married at that point, so it was not creepy, it was sweet that he knew where I’d go after a big fight.) So, all that to say, I’d give him a little leeway, and try to pinpoint exactly what bothers you (personality, character flaw, just doesn’t know any better, etc.) The fact that he does try to improve is a huge plus in my opinion!

    • SLCanon

      Unless there is some big red flag issue, I think that being considerate comes with time. When you are single, you just aren’t used to thinking about somebody else first. It’s not really a bad thing as long as he is making steady progress to adjusting to life with a significant other. The facts that he wants to be a good boyfriend, listens to your concerns, and takes concrete steps to address the issues suggests he’s a keeper to me, and you are both just adjusting to each other’s personalities.

      Maybe this will come out when you explain the details, but are these the sorts of things everybody should be considerate about, or are they things that you personally would like someone to do for you? If the first, give him a shorter amount of time to figure it out. If the second, make sure you aren’t expecting him to read your mind about what you want him to do for you. Give him lots of time to figure this out and tell him explicitly what you would like. This is part of his getting to know you and your personality, which may take a long time for him to get a good enough picture that he can anticipate all of your needs.

    • Boyfriend TJ

      I realize the post was somewhat vague; it’s tough to give enough detail to get feedback and not enough to be easily recognized by friends who read this blog. Some things he does are big and clearly unacceptable, most are small but when considered together become an issue. The big issues are things that (I think) anyone should know. One of them was calling me a B jokingly even after I had told him it bothered me. I know he was joking, but it’s unacceptable to name-call in a relationship, period. And when I say something really bothers me, I mean it. Please do not keep doing it.

      Others are smaller, like not telling me that he has plans on one of our regular date nights until the last minute and it’s too late for me to make alternative plans. Not a big deal if it happens once or twice, but it becomes a big deal if it’s repeated enough times. Or refusing to change his plans when I find out I have to cancel our weekend together because of my BigLaw job, even though his plans involved sitting at home alone (I would never ask him to cancel on friends, etc. for my job, but seriously, you can drink beer and play video games while I’m working all weekend). I came back from a business trip the same week as my birthday, so he got me flowers and balloons and said, “Two birds with one stone!” I did not say anything about the last one but I did talk to him about the others. Little things like this seem to keep popping up, so as soon as we have a sit-down about one thing, we have to have another discussion about something else. It’s becoming tiring.

      • TCFKAG

        So, he sounds like a bit of an immature jerk. But it also sounds like you try to treat each of these things “seriously” as things you need to “discuss”. It might be easier if you found a way to approach them that weren’t quite so intense, just a quick, “you know, I hate when you do that” or — just figure it out.

        But, unfortunately, if he isn’t learning after all of those things, I’d probably tell you to DTMFA. I consider the B-word a no-go, but that’s a personal thing of course.

        • Boyfriend TJ

          I agree I should be more laid back about the “discussions.” He got really defensive the first time I brought up something so I’ve been kind of walking on eggshells and having the “When you do X it makes me feel Y” conversations. But he hasn’t been defensive since that first time, so I think I could and should relax more.

          • TCFKAG

            As a general rule (I think) when boys have heart-to-heart discussions, they think something is VERY VERY wrong, and they also think maybe you’re a little crazy. So they shut down a little bit. But, on the other hand, if you can just sort of be like, “you know—not okay” in the moment and then let it go you may get a better response.

            Someone on here also said they like to have awkward discussions with their guy in the car because men prefer to do these things when they don’t have to make eye contact and I have to say, I have found that to be the truth. So another thought.

          • anon

            I respectfully disagree, TCFKAG. Men don’t always shy away from heart-to-hearts. My boyfriend wants to know what I’m thinking and feeling and feels hurt when I don’t open up to him. But we’ve been together for years, so it may take a while for the OP to get to that place of open communication, but it’s a possibility for sure.

      • amy

        I’m sorry to say, I don’t get a great feeling about the prospects for the relationship based on what you’ve said. Obviously, you’ve only mentioned a few things and I’m sure there are good things too. But if you’re worrying about these things, which you clearly are, I think you should trust your instincts.

        In case it helps at all, I can tell you my experience with a similar situation. I dated a guy who did lots of these types of things — nothing really bad, just things that were a bit inconsiderate and generally less than awesome. After sticking with him for about two years, often telling him I didn’t feel appreciated and why I felt that way, I broke up with him. He freaked out, supposedly did all this soul-searching and told me he now understood what I had meant and he was sorry, etc etc. I decided to give him a second chance. We were together for another year and a half or so before I discovered he was cheating on me. Like he had a full-on girlfriend on the side. Sooooooo the moral of that story is just supposed to be that if your gut tells you something is off here, don’t argue with it.

      • Porter

        I’m sorry if this is too blunt. The beginning of a relationship is generally when you are going to get the most effort out of a guy (think: refraining from f*rting in front of you). If he is already doing all of this stuff and it’s only been 3 weeks, I would be wary of what he might be like when he gets comfortable. A 3 week old relationship should not be tiring already.

      • karenpadi

        When I was 30, I had a 38 yr old boyfriend who had never been in a relationship and (unknown to me for 17 months) still had his v-card. I know exactly what you are talking about.

        In our relationship, it felt like every time I pointed out something (e.g., please screw the lid on the olive oil before putting it in the cupboard so I don’t spill it all over the kitchen when I retrieve it), he’d do something else (e.g., neglect to tell me the cat was out of food and that she hadn’t been fed in two days). It was all so basic. I got sick and tired of having to instruct him through the minutiae of life.

        It was inconsiderate and it showed a lack of maturity on his part. I finally just accused him of being raised in a barn by wolves. He’d try to do better (and would for a while) but it never stuck.

        The last straw for me was on a fabulous Caribbean vacation when I returned to the hotel room to find his dripping wet towel laying on my side of the bed. I stopped caring because he obviously didn’t care about me. I broke up with him when we returned home.

        As someone who stayed with an inconsiderate guy for 18 months, get out now. It won’t get better. You’ll always find new issues; it doesn’t end. It’ll always feel like he doesn’t care about you or your things or your cat.

      • AG

        This his how your relationship will likely pan out:

        You will continue to mother him about how to be considerate. Odds are he’ll learn a thing or two. When he’s done with you being his mother, he’ll move on from you. He’ll use all his new skills to woo his new girlfriend. The new girlfriend will be awed by how chivalrous he is. She will want to marry him. Since she’s not the one who had to do the mothering, she will not nag him. He will want to marry her because she doesn’t nag him.

        I believe the formal word for this whole process is “dating.”

      • ShortieK

        I was my BF’s first serious girlfriend and good news:
        They do get better, but uh…, you kind of have to train them.
        My SO and I had a real problem with the “I do not like it when you do that, please stop.” type of relationship issues. (Ours was more public gestures he thought were romantic that I did not want) In my head, these are the types of things that merit a “serious discussion”. Serious discussions can be bad in that you’re basically detailing exactly what they did wrong and how it affected you. That type of criticism can be tough to give and take too often.
        It sounds like he’s trying so that’s great. Maybe cut back on the sit back talks and try to subtly train him into better behavior?
        Example: My SO and I got together in college. (think engineer-type male) At the time, showering regularly and wearing clean clothes were not on his list of priorities (nor many other guys in my class :/) I made a big deal about how great it was when he came over freshly showered and bam, habit formed.
        I’d suggest talking OFTEN about how thoughtful and wonderful he was to do X for you. Once he realizes how much you like when he does X, he’ll do it more often.

      • ShortieK

        Urgh, one more thing!
        I find b*tch really insulting. (It’s right above “go make a sandwich” or “woman” in terms of insults)
        One of our first arguments, he called me “a stuck up bitch” and I walked out. Talking afterwards, he realized how I felt about the word (sometimes people/guys don’t know?) and he hasn’t said it since: 3 years, lots of stupid arguments.

        If he had ever called me a b*tch again, we wouldn’t be dating.
        I also think that, even when you’re cutting your SO slack for being a newbie, there’s still a line that you have to draw to protect yourself.

    • job hunting

      People almost never change. If they do, it’s not because others want them to change– it comes from within.

      It sounds like the lack of consideration is a big deal for you. It would be for me too. I place a HUGE weight on how my SO treats me. That said, you’ve told him what bothers you and it has gotten better. No one is perfect and in a good relationship the partners are constantly evolving.

      Ultimately it’s up to you how the lack of consideration measures up against the other pros/cons of the relationship, and whether you can live with it knowing that whether or not it improves is completely out of your control. Three months may be too early to tell, but probably by six months you will know. Also, if there is a little voice inside of you leaning towards one direction or another, LISTEN TO IT.

      • Anne Shirley

        Move on! Would you want your daughter to date a man who calls her a b*tch? Somewhere out there is a woman who will hear that, call him an a** and move on. And somewhere for you is a guy who would never talk to you like that. Keep looking. Singer, girl who dated a not very nice guy for 2 years too many.

  6. AIMS

    I really like these shoes. I have been on a severe leopard kick lately (bought a leopard print cardi, headband, and a very pale pink leopard scarf all in the last few weeks. I promise I don’t wear them all at once). These are right up my leopard alley, but I think I have reached my leopard allowance for the season, if not the year….

  7. DC gvt jobs?

    My SO and I would like to move to DC and are trying to figure out the timing. I have a gvt litigation job in a semi-specialized area (don’t want to give more detail than that) in the city we currently live in and would ideally like a federal gvt job in that same area. When is hiring generally done (i.e. postings, interviews etc) and when do jobs typically start? Is there a time of year (winter, spring, summer, fall) that is good to start job searching and a time of year that would be good to aim to move? Once we decide to start looking I’ll clearly network etc. but I wanted to get a sense of timing first if possible. Any thoughts are much appreciated!

    • TCFKAG

      Its been awhile since I applied for Fed Gov jobs in DC, but as a general rule they don’t run on a cycle — they hire when they have need and funding (if you’re not on USA Jobs, you should be, at least getting a sense of how that works). The only programs that have a time of year, I believe, are the “honors” type lawyer jobs at DOJ which begin the hiring process in the summer with start dates in the fall, I think.

      However, there are some federal employees on here who could probably correct me. Today’s a pretty slow day, so you might want to re-post tomorrow or next week when everyone is back from school vacation (or wherever they are).

    • Bonnie

      It depends on when the person is needed. Many agencies do not post job openings. My agency, for example, keeps tons of applications and goes to them whenever a spot opens up. Keep in mind that most government agencies are on a hiring freeze right now.

      • eek

        Ditto. The only gov agencies I’ve seen that are actively hiring as a whole are DHS and USPTO (seen them at job fairs), but not for legal positions.

    • PollyD

      Agree that there don’t seem to be cycles for hiring, although there may be stronger pushes to hire towards the end of the fiscal year (September 30), to make sure that any positions allowed by the budget are made. Be sure to check out USA Jobs, and, not that you should lie, but you need to give the impression that you are absolutely the best qualified person for EXACTLY what the position entails. The first cut is made by HR people who may not understand the nuances of the job and will just look for matches to key words.

      I’m assuming you are a lawyer, but whatever your field/profession, I’d encourage you to look at a lot of different agencies. DOJ hires lawyers, but so does Homeland Security, NIH, FDA, Commerce, probably almost all the agencies. Also, you might want to consider consulting companies – not sure how it works for lawyers but I got my federal job in part because I worked for a consulting company and built connections to people in my agency that way.

      Also, if you do become a fed, be prepared for both parties to use you as a punching bag/revenue source from time to time. Sigh.

      • TCFKAG

        Second this. My boss at my old job used to tell people that (for example) for the question “have you been published” they can say yes if they had written an undergraduate thesis….because it was totally unnecessary for our job and you just wanted to answer yes to as many questions as possible!

    • a.k.

      If you are gunning for a government job, be zen about the fact that you will have no control over the timing. Some jobs are posted and filled all within 6-8 weeks, others you might apply and then not hear anything for 6+ months. Your best bet is to start applying as soon as you can – it’s a long process, and government will probably be pretty flexible if you can’t start right away. (not to mention the competition for jobs is pretty fierce these days, so it may take you multiple applications before you make the referral list)

    • DC gvt jobs?

      Thanks everyone! These responses are really helpful. Sounds like it is more important to be flexible on timing than aim for one particular time.

      • Ruby

        Yes they can take forever/go away. Don’t count on it either, they are getting hundreds of applicants per post now. Arranging a transfer is your best option, if you are already in fed system.

        • wwm

          Agree with this, nearly impossible to get hired as a lateral in DC fed government right now, and not likely to get better in the near term future given the focus on the deficit. If there is any way you can stay with your current agency as a transferee that would be your best option. Otherwise, I would suggest privatate practice as an option, some of the dc firms are fairly busy these days..

  8. b23

    So, recently I’ve been seeing so. many. Louis. Vuitton. bags. Approximately every other person in my big city has one. I’m wondering: Do you think most of them are fake? Or are people just living well beyond their means? I make good money, and it would take a lot of justifying and saving and hand-wrenching to get me to shell out that much money, but I see people who make way less than I do with them all the time!

    Anyway, there’s no real point to this post. I’m just wondering how prevalent you think knock offs are, I guess.

    • anonymous

      ha. I wonder the same thing. All I can say is that a friend of mine is a teacher and she buys them for herself. (she says they are an investment, which I entirely disagree with.)

    • Bluejay

      Yes, most of them are fake. There are a lot of good fakes out there, and a lot of people who will spend $200 for a knockoff and pretend they spent $2000 for the original. In DC there are guys all over K street selling entire vendor carts full of knockoffs.

      • PollyD

        Heh. When I first moved to DC, I was shocked by the number of tweens/teens carrying Kate Spade bags. My, children must be spoiled and wealthy in this town, I thought. Then I learned about the fakes.

    • kng

      when i was in high school i knew another super fashionista 16 year old girl that saved and saved to buy a tiny LV bag for herself. but then she was worried about ruining it, so she bought a knock off of the exact same style. For daily wear, she used the knock off, for special occassions she carried the real deal. It did then, and continues to now, blow my mind.

      • Susan

        kng, that’s very strange and hilarious.

        I’m imagining that if you were to go to that girl’s house now, there’d be an IKEA or Target-furniture filled room for when she spends all her time, and the super-expensive custom-made furniture in the room that she shows people occasionally. And oh, probably plastic slip-covers on the nice stuff in the “display” room.

    • phillygirlruns

      this is precisely why i’ll never buy an LV bag – at least not a monogram or damier print. on all but a very few people, it screams “LOOK! I HAVE MONEY!” or “LOOK! I WANT YOU TO THINK I HAVE MONEY (but I really don’t and I bet you could never tell this is a fake)!” i do like the epi leather for its quality, but the shapes are never my style.

      my favorite was the special edition murakami prints. i was in college when those came out, and have fond memories of girls running around campus in juicy velour/terry, coach bucket hats, and various pieces of blindingly colorful knockoff LV murakami.

      • Susan

        Also, spending a lot of money to look just like everyone else…. not my thing, but hey, if others want to, *shrug*

        • phillygirlruns

          right – “i have money, but no taste, so i bought this to prove it.”

    • DC Association

      Thank you for posting this! i was wondering that myself. Just today one of the 25-year-olds in my office (she cannot be making more than $45k – not all that much in DC) had a LV bag. I thought, “How in the world does she have a bag like that?!”

      anyway, a lot of the ones I see are not fakes – I am really, really anti-knock off and I can tell fakes pretty well. It boggles my mind how many LV bags are out there. At one point I really wanted one (ok, I still want one…) but don’t know how I could justify spending $1,000 plus for a bag when I have a child, a mortgage, and so on…

      • Bluejay

        Well, it could have been a gift, so give her the benefit of the doubt. I have a 25 y/o friend with a giant LV tote that she bought secondhand, too (and had it certified at an LV retailer).

      • anon

        One of the secretaries in our office had an LV bag, she inherited it from her mother. It was in excellent condition.

      • eek

        A friend got hers from a consignment store (I think it was in Bethesda). There’s some crazy nice stuff to be found at consignment stores in this area.

      • Susan

        Did any of you ever read Diane Johnson’s _Le Divorce_? (I avoided the movie because I am so not a fan of Kate Hudson.)

        One of the funny cultural contrasts in that book is how many French people view a young woman carrying a very expensive handbag (in the book, it’s a red Hermes ‘Kelly’ bag). The central character, Isobel, gets some knowing looks from men and women– they guess, correctly, that she’s a kept woman and her rich older ….patron has purchased the bag in exchange for her company.

    • MissJackson

      I think that more of them are real than I’d like to believe. Last time I was in DC, I actually commented to my husband that I was seemingly the only 30-something in the whole city not carrying a LV. For what it is worth, I was pretty sure that most if not all of them that I saw were real.

      Anyway, I think that lots of people in big cities make enough to be able to comfortably afford an expensive bag. Plus, I’m in no position to judge what others spend their money on. But I find it pretty odd that so many people pick LV. I love bags, but I don’t want the same bag that everyone else has. At that price point, there are lot of really fantastic bags — I’d probably go for a Chloe.

    • Anonymous

      I’ve always wondered this too, and I’m sure a lot of them are fakes, but I also think it could just be different priorities. My #1 hobby is exercise and being outdoors, so I spend a lot on cute workout clothes. I “make up” for my excessive spending in this category by spending less than my peers on things that aren’t as big a priority to me–for example, my dining out budget is $50/mo and it typically goes 100% unused.

      Personally, I would have a really hard time spending that much on a handbag, no matter how well-made it is. But I can understand that someone else might and find it worth saving up for, in the same way that I save up for a nice part for my bike or a destination race. At least that’s what I try to tell myself when I see LV bags everywhere :)

    • Houda

      I bought a tiny one for myself during my first employment months.
      And this on an African salary (which is not much when you convert to Euros).
      I think the quality is great but you have to really love the model so you are sure to wear it often. I plan on buying a speedy 30 in Damier in the near future and that is a big splurge, but I know I will be using it to death.
      There are some expensive logo-ed models which I find inexplicably ugly. There are however 2 or 3 models which I would love to own if I had the means.

    • AN

      Depends. If you own and carry just 1 ‘designer’ bag to work daily regardless of season/style etc, it’s cheaper than having 5-6 bags each worth $250-300.

      I rarely change bags and I prefer to have 1 BV hobo rather than several bags that colleactively would outweight its cost.

  9. SV in House

    My daughter’s teacher just invited her pupils to her wedding (not reception!), which I think is incredibly sweet. The invitation says “no gifts,” but I would like to do a donation in their name. I was thinking of heifer [dot] org. Thoughts? Other ideas?

    • Bluejay

      I think it would be touching to donate to a local educational charity in her honor, since she’s a teacher. But Heifer is a really good organization, if that’s what you prefer.

    • cc

      there is a site where you can donate to teachers who have low income classrooms. it might be called donors choose? teaching themed might be nice

    • TCFKAG

      Another idea might be some supplies for the classroom if you know she buys a lot of those herself (since many teachers do).

      But I love heifers International, so I’d never discourage that as a present!

    • DC Association

      I second DonorsChoose.org. Or what about donating to the PTA? That way money will DIRECTLY help the school.

    • R in Boston

      We got a kiva gift certificate for our wedding. It was very cool – we got to choose the recipient and there were a lot of good, deserving people to give it to. If you’re in a strapped school district, though, I might just give a batch of supplies directly to the school in her honor.

      • conbrio

        Heifer Int’l is great, unless she’s a vegan/vegetarian. Somebody made that mistake with me recently, and while I really appreciated the kind gesture that it was intended to be, it made me cringe to think that an animal and/or its offspring were going to be butchered in my honor.

        I love Kiva – it’s a great organization, and a gift that keeps on giving, because she’ll have fun selecting her loan recipient, then she’ll get updates every month or so about how much of the loan has been paid off, then after it’s all paid off she’ll have the opportunity to roll it into a new loan.

        • Anon

          “it made me cringe to think that an animal and/or its offspring were going to be butchered in my honor.”

          Even if, by that animal being butchered, a family avoided starvation?

          I do not get this attitude at all. Not everyone in the world has the option of being vegetarian/vegan for conscience purposes, without starving to death. Resenting someone’s donation because it doesn’t agree with your personal overprivileged eating politics is quite gauche. And very self-focused of you. Go spend some time in a village with starving kids, and then come back and tell me the kids shouldn’t have gotten a cow to keep them from going hungry.

          Signed, former Peace Corps volunteer

          • conbrio

            Whoa. First, I didn’t say I resented my friend’s donation; I said I appreciated it. Second, I think it’s reasonable for me to prefer to donate to another organization, Kiva, as mentioned above, that allows me to provide money to a family that is in danger of starvation while avoiding causing an animal to be butchered. Third, I didn’t say nobody should donate to Heifer Int’l, and I don’t discourage donating to that organization; I just said that it might not be the ideal gift for a vegan or vegetarian. I am not a self-absorbed person; I think a lot about the world and how my actions affect others. Your assumptions about me are way off base.

          • anon

            Your response is very self-focused. The poster asked for recommendations for donations; one would think your vast Peace Corps volunteer service would enable you to offer some helpful suggestions. All another poster did was merely point out some considerations and offered up another organization. No need to clutch your hemp necklace in horror.

  10. Tired Squared

    To all you Corporette lawyers out there: Did any of you ever feel truly confident before you took the bar exam?

    I’m taking my state for the second time next week–I fell just short of the passing score last time. I feel much more confident this time around, and I don’t have any of the extenuating circumstances that I had last time … but I’ve also had serious trouble sleeping and eating these last few days. My stomach hurts pretty much all day, and for some reason, reminding myself of how much I know/how far I’ve come just isn’t helping.

    I guess I’m wondering if these nerves are normal, or if it’s a sign that I just don’t know as much as I should?

    • TCFKAG

      Nope — never felt completely confident. Seriously, not even after the exam. Nobody does (they say if you feel confident, you’re not thinking about it hard enough).

      The only thing that helped in the last few days/week before the exam was doing things that absolutely precluded thinking about studying, like going to see an improv comedy show or a movie or whatever. Something that required me focus. It gave me 2-3 hours of downtime to just decompress. I highly recommend it, there is only so much you can learn this week, and you CAN do more damage then good by over-stressing and over-tiring yourself!

      • TCFKAG

        Oh, and I should say, I passed with flying colors. (Just so you know I wasn’t justifiably nervous, if that makes sense).

        • kng

          ehh even a few years into practice i’m still not *totally confident* and don’t think i cold survive another state bar. it’s just nerves. best of luck!!!

      • Ruby

        I did, but I am like that. Raised that way or such. I am surprised when I DON’T get what I apply for etc. when I get rejected from stuff like jobs or whatever (which has happened a lot since law school). Used to be naive in that way. I was ready to put down all that stuff in my head and be done with it. I knew I had learned enough to beat enough people around me per the state’s pass rate.

    • Nonny

      Oh gosh, I thought I was going to fail for sure. I didn’t, but I was convinced that was what would happen. A little nervousness is healthy and totally normal. Just do what you can to relax ahead of time and get lots of sleep!

    • AnonInfinity

      I think what you’re going through is normal. Leading up to the bar exam, I was having constant headaches and neckaches from clenching my jaw all.day.long. I’d be sitting on the couch watching mindless television, not even thinking about the exam, and suddenly I’d realize that my jaw was clenched as hard as it could be without breaking any teeth.

      Good luck!

    • TCFKAG

      Others might also disagree with me, but sleep is pretty important. I would at least consider taking a benadryl or two to help knock you out at night and at least overcome the nerves that your experiencing. It won’t kill you and if it will help you sleep, might be worth it.

    • phillygirlruns

      nope, though there was a point the weekend before the exam where i realized i had learned everything i was going to learn. that was comforting…but brief. it disappeared and i had a massive anxiety attack the night before the exam. i passed and did just fine.

    • GiGi

      Nope – took CA twice and was bawling two days before I took it the second time. And I passed the second. Just keep studying.

    • Mimi

      I felt quite confident going in, but after the test I was sure I failed until I got my results. I ended up scoring much higher than I anticipated, as did all of my friends who were also sure they failed. Good luck!

    • Totes McGotes

      Absolutely did not feel confident. Tried my best to think of it as no big deal, just a minor PITA to be borne, and I think that helped as much as anything could.

    • JB

      I was a mess before the bar exam. I would start crying for no reason at all. A few days before the exam I cried at least 3 times a day. And I passed.

      Just do the best you can to relax and know that this too shall pass and so will you. :-)

      • Anon

        Me too!! I was such a hysterical mess, my husband did his best to stay out of my way during the week leading up to the exams (I took two back to back). I passed both.

    • Anon for this

      I also had these physical problems prior. I got a massage from a reflexologist a week before and she focused a lot on my neck and jaw area. It was weird and totally something I wouldn’t normally do. It’s weird she like looked at my feet, said I had a stressful event in the near future, and then went straight to my jaw area. (or maybe she could hear the grinding of my teeth). Anyway, I was so tired and stressed that I felt a lot better because of it. But I still thought I was going to fail.

      You can do it! Let yourself freak out for 5 minutes and then go back to studying or do something else. You are in the homestretch so you need to either be actively memorizing something you do not know or finding a way to relax until then. Easier said than done but you are not alone.

    • CA Atty

      Totally normal.

      FWIW: I passed on my first try, but several of my friends/classmates didn’t, including my roommate. The second time my roommate took the bar she ended up really sick and hospitalized after the thing was over. She passed the time she had pneumonia and didn’t pass the time she was in perfectly fine health!

      You’ll feel confident after you see your name on the list. Not before.

    • karenpadi

      You are completely normal. I broke out in full-body hives the week before the bar exam. I was so exhausted, I took a nap during the multiple choice portion of the exam.

      Can you recite your outlines? Do you dream about personal jurisdiction? Do you know what every letter of every acronym stands for? If so, you are ready.

      • Anon

        No, you’re perfectly normal.
        I failed the first time and had such horrible nerves that I quite literally couldn’t remember 1L-type basic facts about the law. It would be hard to be more nervous the second time around, but I also contacted a local health professional about 6 weeks before the second exam. I couldn’t sleep and, generally, was an anxious basket-case. I was prescribed a very low dose of anti-anxiety medication to take as needed. I had never taken anything of the sort before but it made a huge difference. I relaxed just enough to focus.
        The experience also made me face up to the fact that I had suffered from exam-related anxiety my whole life. I sure wish something had been done sooner.

        Anyway, good luck on the exam. I’m sure you’ll be just fine!

    • Tired Squared

      Thank you all for your comments! I ended up studying for the rest of the afternoon and then taking the evening off to go see a movie with a few close friends, and I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard. It helped with the perma-stomachache immensely!

      • GovtMom

        So glad this helped. And if this is who I think it is, you will do awesome. :-)

  11. Godzilla

    Oh man….remember how we were chuckling, nay, guffawing over how chipped nail polish = chipped soul? Well, dumb@$$ me had WAY TOO MUCH fun at sephora over the weekend and put on 20 different nail polishes on my fingers. All different colors, with crackle and glitters and all kinds of shenanigans. Somehow, I’m left with 8 nails painted, chipped of course, and I’m heading off to a professional networking event. I should really keep nail polish remover at my desk. So…if anyone notices me with sparkly/crackly 80% polished nails, say, “Hey Godzilla” and we’ll be super friends. Facepalm.

    • K in NYC

      no negative self-talk here! go have fun at the event and, if anyone notices, it’ll be a great ice-breaker that sets you apart from the others in the room!

    • a.

      Godzilla, I said it once and I’ll say it again: you can’t come here anymore.

      With that out of the way: 1. Rock on with your bad self; and 2. Amaze everyone at your event with your sparkling wit and brilliance.

    • CA Atty

      Awesome.

      However, I had a mani on Friday and knew it wasn’t a great one as I started to see a few chips over the weekend; however, after a day on the computer keyboard I only have about 1/2 polish on my index and middle fingers both hands. Ergh.

    • Mountain Girl

      I keep a box of those individually packaged nail polish remover cloths in my desk for such emergencies. But – go have fun!

  12. Only To Be There

    Any ‘rettes reuning at a certain women’s college near Boston this June? Interested in a meet up?

  13. Judgie Jane

    Anon for this one. Full disclosure: I have never been pregnant; I have no children.

    A lawyer in my office returned from maternity leave about 8 weeks ago. She seems to have very large breasts (unclear whether this is from feeding bambino or because she just has big breasts, which is possible because she’s curvy). EVERY DAY since she got back, she’s worn deep v-neck t-shirts that show 3.5-4 inches of cleavage (not that it matters, but because she has large breasts, she’s also showing the tops of her breasts–a lot of surface area is showing here).

    Am I being unfeeling to the post-partum, potentially still nursing new mom? Or should her shirt cover her cleavage?

    • K in NYC

      Maybe she’s trying to fit into clothes her body hasn’t adjusted to yet and she’s so used to feeding time that her modesty monitor is a bit skewed? Are you close enough to her to bring it up delicately? If not, and if she’s in a position where others see her and it could be detrimental, maybe HR can chat with her? Kind of like spinach in my teeth, I’d rather be embarrassed for a moment and change it than let other people notice and not tell me

      • Judgie Jane

        I don’t know her very well. I’m new at the job and she was out on leave when I started. She doesn’t sit close enough to me for me to know whether she’s still nursing and/or pumping.

        I actually sit across a skinny hall from HR and wrote my post while she was talking to a woman in HR–with full cleavage showing!

        • Emily I

          If she was on leave when you started, do you know for a fact that she didn’t wear low-cut shirts before she was pregnant/nursing? This could just be the way she chooses to dress and you pointing it out is likely to be a seen as critical. Or, she is fully aware of her breasts hanging out but hasn’t been able to do anything about it for any number of reasons. In that case, she would likely be embarrassed by you pointing it out. The third option – that she is unaware of her level of cleavage and would appreciate you cluing her in – seems like the least likely scenario.

    • NovaMama

      Is she nursing and pumping? There’s a possibility she’s wearing nursing shirts. Maybe she bought them before she had the baby and now she’s stuck with the too-small shirts? Sounds like she needs a good sweater to throw over the top!

    • Porter

      Eh. I’d give her a break. You would be shocked at how difficult it is to dress professionally and also be able to easily pump or nurse. In a few months this will probably be corrected on its own.

    • Sweetknee

      Well, I had large ones before I started breastfeeding, and they got bigger while I was doing it. Ideally, her clothes should cover them up, but I think you need to cut her a little slack. She probably did not realize how big they were going to get, and does not have a lot of time or money to shop to fit her new “assets”. I imagine that as time goes along, it will get better, either because she will slow down the nursing, or she will build up a new wardrobe.

    • CA Atty

      Meh, who cares? Are you her supervisor/in charge of the dress code? If not I say myob. Even if it’s not a pregnancy thing, you can only control what you can control and 3-4 inches of cleavage is not going to make the ceiling cave in.

      • Ruby

        I am preg with b**bs for the first time ever in life (!) and it has been a challenge to find appropriate corporate outfits for a million reasons (understatement) but I am very careful to always not do stuff like this. Want to keep my reputation despite current challenges. I have safety pinned camisoles that hang to low at the shoulders; would rather have a bump on shoulder than other things sticking out. I work with all dudes, so just, no. But I understand how hard it can be. Stuff does not fit and you do not have time to deal with it. I am extremely sleep deprived and spent countless weekends working on the clothes challenges instead of having fun or resting outside of exhausting work days, just in time for them to not fit again.

  14. NH

    I’m helping organize an event for female clients – all professionals or high level execs. I’m desperately trying to come up with a good gift for each attendee. It will be branded, probably, but I would rather give these women something better than a branded USB key or golf shirt or other boring gift. Anyone ever receive something like this that they loved? Last time we held this event we gave out lands end tote bags which were a hit.

    • K in NYC

      how about a business card holder with a great pro-women quote? a hair-tie that’s one-wrist-fits-all? a travel mug? what about a quart sized bag with a label that’s branded that’s an emergency kit of sorts (clear nail polish, some nail polish remover wipes, an energy bar, small pack of tissues, a few hard candies or cough drops, etc.)?

      just some ideas off the top of my head, hope they help

      • b23

        Those are good ideas. I think a nice travel mug and the emergency kit would be particularly awesome. Add mints that come in a branded metal box to the kit.

        • NOLA

          The mints would be a great idea! I have a little tin of sugar free mints that has a mirror when you slide it out. It’s a great two-fer.

        • kiki

          to be honest I would find the emergency kit kind of offensive. Like I handle bringing the necessities to work, I am a grown woman.

          • Emily I

            I find an “emergency kit” that included nail polish remover and the like seems vaguely offensive to me. Not something I would be upset about, but I wouldn’t be excited about it. (Ditto on the hair accessory – especially since I have hair that it too short to put up!)

    • SunnyD

      Business card holder (the type for your purse, not your desk), pencil bag (long and narrow bag with a zipper to hold your pens/pencils in your purse–mine keeps my purse organized), iPad case, hanger for your emergency suit on the back of your office door?

      • Gooseberry

        SunnyD – yes. I like the b-card holder and the pencil bag. Also, love the hanger — what a unique idea!

    • anon too

      Once I received a little desk sized manicure kit- with clippers, scissors, a file, and tweezers. That was pretty nice.

    • TXAtty

      I got a fabulous tech-travel kit once (with the firm logo on the outside) that I still use all the time. It’s a little zip case and inside is a (retractable) usb hub, small (retractable) travel mouse, (retractable) earbuds, and a flash drive. The kit has saved me so many times.

      I’ve also gotten a branded purse mirror (but I did hear a few women complain that it was too obviously “female” oriented and not creative enough), an insulated lunch bag (that was cute, but I don’t really use those kinds of things), and a really nice travel mug (which I still use today).

      • ShortieK

        seconding the tech travel kits. mini mice are awesome in a pinch.
        incredibly handy and something I wish more events/companies would give out (it’s not just the tech industry that uses tech!!)

    • DG

      We happened to receieve ~ 9″x4″ fabric clutches with small embellishments (I think they ordered them from Etsy). They were super pretty and I got mine in gray and white that I sometimes carry with me over the weekends. Casual and neat for shopping at Target and other such places.

    • anon

      I love my branded travel blanket FWIW. LE does a nice travel pillow/blanket combo.

    • rosie

      I always used to borrow this stainless thermos that my dad got from a conference. It was one of those slim, insulated ones where you can use the top as a cup. I think it had a slogan on it, something like “[bank name] provides liquidity” (I am a sucker for puns).

    • Ruby

      I can tell you what NOT to get!!! I have had a funny week with that. Work at a global company, male-heavy. My team got an award presented by the CEO last week. We then got a bag with a gift. I am pregnant. It is a GoPro HD camera that is heavy and attaches to your head for surfing, snowboarding, etc. Useless. Was planning to sell it online. THEN, we all get emails from corporate, advising us we owe tax on it, so will have to PAY roughly $60 for it!! Have you ever heard of anything so tacky? Craigslist worked, but even better, one teammate is headed to Australia next week and we discovered they sell for double down there so off they go. Clearly, the company did not think about this from a female perspective. The guys don’t even want them. We had to laugh rather than blow our tops.

    • SouthernLegal

      The best gift I ever received at one of these type of events was a small leather bound notebook with refillable pages and a small calendar. It had the brand on the inside, with a slot for business cards and a pen – I carry it everywhere. It fits great in a purse or computer bag, and is wonderful for keeping notes and jotting down ideas.

  15. Susan

    K in NYC– when is your last day in NYC?

    I ask, because I’ve been waiting and waiting to see if someone wanted to do a NYC Corporette get-together, and I thought, maybe it’d be better to do a little send-off gathering for you? Let us know if you’d be OK with this. Don’t want to impose if you’ve already got a busy schedule packing, moving, etc. But if you are, throw out some dates that would work for you! :-)

    • K in NYC

      I literally said, “aww” out loud when I came across this… it happens to be about the time of night that everyone’s off fb and the other chatty sites and I get really sad, so the timing of this was beyond lovely. I’m not sure the exact date yet but sometime between 3/19 and 3/22 is what it seems. Since my birthday is 3/15 (and the last one of this decade), it just sort of seemed a little fitting to me to begin a new year of life feeling productive, even without a job and such yet. I’d love to see/meet you guys but it’d have to be somewhere inexpensive (see the “this girl is unemployed and has 11k in vet bills to pay off sign on my back”).

      Not sure if that date range would fit into anyone’s schedule but even the suggestion of it really did buy me a few more minutes before the usual nightly tears. I am beyond grateful.

      • K in NYC

        PS I only have to pack up one bedroom’s worth and am selling furniture… so it won’t be bad to pack and such, the trick will be finding an affordable price on a rental car for a 1 way trip to OH to pick up my car for the longer drive to Miami… who knew rental cars had gotten so expensive?!

        • Selia

          Hey – sorry to come late to this – crazy day, but I live in between Akron and Cleveland, so if you need a lunch/dinner date while in town, let me know! (And my birthday is 3/15, t00!)

          • K in NYC

            I am going to a place right between the two so I wonder if we went to neighboring high schools if you’re from there or if we’ve driven past each other… AND to have the same birthday? if you see this, email and tell me where! munchkin1616 at juno dot com :)

      • Susan

        I think those dates can be *made* to work. :-)

        Those who are interested should email me at edna_mode_nyc (at) yahoo (dot) com.

        One idea — just to get the ball rolling, would folks be interested in meeting either at the Museum of Modern Art or the Met Museum? I can get 1 or 2 people in for free with me, and it’s not super-pricey as long as you eat and drink beforehand (or are willing to go someplace else afterwards.) I find museums a great place for people to get acquainted– can walk and talk and also take in some art!

  16. Nonny

    Hi ladies! Looking for suggestions for a family event. This year is my mom’s 65th birthday and my dad’s 70th, as well as their 45th wedding anniversary. My sister and I are tossing around the idea of doing something special for them.

    We were thinking of putting on a big family/friends party, since, while there have been other big bashes thrown for other family members in the last couple of years (e.g. my grandfather’s 90th birthday party), I don’t think there has been one for my parents in a *really* long time. Though they haven’t asked for a big party, I kind of think it would be nice to give them one. However, if we do give them a party, we need to think of ways to keep the costs down – my sister doesn’t have a high-paying job and I am expecting an imminent move to another city so don’t have a lot of extra cash lying around. My sister and I have talked about it, and ideally we would wait five years until both of us are in better financial condition, but in the meantime my grandparents are getting older and, sadly, they (and other older relatives) may not be around in five years’ time. So it would be nice to do something now if we can.

    For context, we are in the PNW and my family is generally pretty low-key. This event could be in the summer, or in the early fall. We have immediate family in town or a short plane ride away, and a few people who are on the other side of the country. A dinner with “local” family won’t cut it since it won’t really be special – we all have dinner together for each birthday and each holiday, so family dinners are already a normal event. We wouldn’t want to hold anything at my parents’ house because my mom would completely freak out (perfect hostess syndrome), my sister’s house is too small, and I am unlikely to be living here in a couple of months’ time. So I need some ideas. Do you think it is possible to hold a party on the cheap for 40 or 50 people? Should I be setting my sights lower? Or should I listen to the voice of reason (my sister) and wait 5 years to hold a bang-up party then? Thoughts welcome.

    • 30

      Why not do a “local” dinner now and plan a big party in five years? You say a local event wouldn’t be “special,” but surely there is some way to differentiate it from “normal” dinners – special food or drink or game or theme or location? E.g., If you normally meet at your parents’ house, why not take the local group out to a restaurant? Or do a brunch with decorated cupcakes and fun punch? Or tell everyone to dress up and hire a photographer (even if it’s just a college kid) to take a family portrait?

    • anon

      I vote for a big ol’ barbeque/picnic. Have it at a park or your sister’s yard if it’s big enough. You can organize all the grilling, or you have everyone share massive subway sandwiches and platters of chicken wings. Throw in blankets and beer and there you go.

      • a.

        Or go to a local park. My family does this for reunions–someone rents a picnic shelter, everyone shows up with Tupperware, there’s usually music. It’s low-key and easy.

        • nona

          this was going to be my suggestion. You can bring ladder golf, frisbees, bocce ball (if you are the game – inclined sort). This is basically what our 60+ extended family does for our family reunions (its a bit more involved than just the bbq, but the bbq/picnic component is definitely part of it).

          And – if your family is the type to want to bring something to share, its amenable to that, though definitely doesn’t require it.

          • NOLA

            My family used to have reunions at my aunt and uncle’s country cottage and one of the fun things we did was a multigenerational wiffle ball game. We have an incredible home movie of my grandmother being hit by a pitch, throwing down the bat, and stomping to first base. It was hilarious! Great memories – my wonderful grandma died when I was in my early 20’s.

        • anon

          A park setting in the PNW sounds wonderful, particularly if you can do it in the summer.

    • Totes McGotes

      For my dad’s 50th birthday, I had a huge party for less than $500-600. I rented a building at a park, and the rest just went to renting chairs and buying food. We brought some pre-cooked food but there was also a grill on site, so we filled out the catered food with grilled stuff. It was very low-key, but a ton of people came anf he loved it. You could probably do something similar and ask the in-town family to go potluck with you in addition to whatever you want to buy.

    • CW

      Some of my friends, for their wedding rehearsal dinner, had a barbeque in a state park right on a lake (just outside of Seattle). They hired a local barbecue place so they didn’t have to prepare anything, and were just responsible for bringing in beverages, and any games (volleyball net, etc.). It was a ton of fun, albeit casual, and the weather was perfect that time of year (July 4th weekend).

      Alternatively, you can rent a VFW hall, or perhaps a local church/synagogue hall, and ask people to do a potluck or hire a caterer.

    • Seventh Sister

      I don’t know if this is possible in your area, but we did a family party with a taco cart and it was so.very.good. Also relatively inexpensive (maybe $5-10/pp.).

    • Seattleite

      Hold the party now, while the people you want there are still alive. I second all the suggestions for holding it at a park – here in the PNW, late summer/early fall is the best time for outdoor stuff.

      For their 50th, you can do a bang-up if you still want to. But life is fleeting. Never procrastinate the impulse to gather together the ones you love.

    • Nonny

      Thank you all. You are completely right, we shouldn’t delay this. And I can’t believe I never thought about having a BBQ/picnic. Our big family gatherings tend to be more along the lines of catered garden party, so I just never thought of it. But it makes a ton of sense and would be lots of fun. Thanks to everyone for your excellent common sense advice. And keep it coming if you think of any improvements/fun additions!

      • EC MD

        If you are in Portland (not sure if you are….) my mom had Busters BBQ cater a huge rehearsal dinner for my brother (long story about why it was so big). We had it at park down by the river, they brought in a big grill/smoker/cooker thing. It was very yummy and not too expensive; plus they let my parents do their own booze through Costco.

      • K in NYC

        what if you spent some time, rather than on expensive food and such, creating games with your parents in mind? For example, instead of freeze tag, a person has to call out something one of your parents love before getting tagged or they become “it”? Pin the tail on the donkey can be altered to somehow fit your parents with a big blown up photo and cut outs of items with tape on the back. Ask each person to take 2 note cards that you bring and, over the course of the event, each person is to write down both their favorite memory of one/both of your parents and something they learned from one or both of your parents. (Or ask them to do 3 cards and have them write a memory/lesson for each individually.) On each parent’s special birthday when you do the smaller party, open the box and read the special words people wrote.

  17. Formerly Preggo Angie

    DVF is doing a line for Gap kids. I can live out all my DVF fantasies through my baby girl!

  18. PHX

    Sorry to be a downer (and sorry if this posts twice), but don’t hold off on the party — you never know what could happen in five years.

    Love, A Corporette who lost her mom this fall

    • Anonsensical

      I’m so sorry for your loss, PHX. And I second your advice ~ don’t wait for an arbitrary number to come up when everyone’s here now and in good enough health to enjoy a party. Celebrate now, and every chance you get.

      • Monday

        Yep, echoing this and Seattleite’s comment above. My family has had a very rough past few years as well. Get together for any reason, or no reason, and celebrate the fact that everyone’s there.

  19. Only To Be There

    Anyone else attending reunion at a certain women’s college outside Boston in June?

    • anon

      Well, mentioning that its in June eliminates a women’s college that is in western MA. But you may want to specify you meant Wellesley.

      • swells

        She did mention- “Wellesley, Wellesley, only to be there” is the start of one of our great school songs :)

        Um also that entire reunion is a Corporette meet-up. This isn’t my year, but there is usually also a lawyers meet-up that’s fun. And don’t forget to hit up the older class years reunion tents, they have the best dancing.

    • Wendy W.

      Sadly, mine was two years ago :(

      There is usually a lawyers meet up in the mid afternoon on Saturday, in the big tent on Severance Green. I have found it generally worthwhile. I like talking to the women in earlier classes, it gives me a sense of perspective and makes me feel better that I haven’t yet accomplished every single thing I set out to at the age of 22.

      It would be interesting to know the number of Wellesley women on this site, I bet we are over-represented. :)

      • Amy H.

        Mine was two years ago too! The lawyers’ meetup was fun (but I think it was in one of the lounges in the new student union?).

  20. anon for this

    Any ladies out there who left law/finance for their own start up? I’ve been giving this a lot of thought lately and wanted to see if there were any solo enterpreneur types out there. All I have is my idea, no clue where/how to get to the next step (or what the next step actually is), and would be grateful for any advice/resources, TIA!

      • MJ

        Find the Women 2.0 group on LinkedIn. Also, google SFMagazine and check their cover story from two issues ago…was on Miriam Naficy and how she’s super-awesome and one of the most successful serial entreprenuers in the Bay Area….

        • who dat

          A related question – any musings on creating a solo startup just for the purpose of selling it to a larger company?

    • NovaMama

      I read a blog a while ago from a woman (former NYC biglaw) who did this – she ended up starting a dog daycare, I think. She hasn’t updated in forever and a day, but I thought her posts were really thoughtful and interesting.

      If you google “Every Six Minutes” you should get her blog. I believe that’s the address.

      • phillygirlruns

        one of my favorite shitty-day fantasies is quitting biglaw to be a dog walker. or a personal trainer. or both.

  21. Liz

    Does anyone on or around long island know of any charity or volunteer opportunities coming up for health fairs, fire departments etc. hydrating people, speaking or taking blood pressure etc.?? Please post or email me. Much appreciated!!

  22. Sophi

    I’m sure y’all have run this into the ground before, but I’ve got yet another variation on that “can I EVER ask if a woman is pregnant?” question.

    I’m a junior in college, and today I ran into a TA I had in freshman year. I’m very participatory in discussion sections, and I often attended office hours. Since then, I’ve seen her several times around campus, once or twice sent an email, and once helped out at an event publicizing the class. She’s super sweet, and the totally normal thing to do when we saw each other today was exchange a hug.

    Now, she’s very petite and thin, so the fact that she was 4? 5? months pregnant was super obvious. She had that bowed back, she had on the empire waist (with gathers at the middle of the abdomen for an expanding belly) dress, and, y’know, she had a baby bump.

    I wanted to be like “OMG WHEN ARE YOU DUE WHAT KIND IS IT OH MY GOD SO EXCITING AHHH ARE YOU GOING TO TAKE TIME OFF WORK” but it’s been so, so deeply drilled into me that it’s NEVER okay to ask a woman if she’s pregnant that I just couldn’t do it.

    Is there some sort of sneaky or graceful way of doing this? Would being like “what’s new with you?” too obvious? Or would it be not directed enough?

    • phillygirlruns

      no matter how obvious it is, or how certain you are, i just wouldn’t risk it. not worth it.

    • Anonsensical

      I think a “so, what’s new with you” kind of question is totally fine, so long as you don’t press any further if they don’t take the bait.

    • anon

      Not long after I went back to work after I had my son, we had a temp come in, and she was wearing the exact same maternity dress that I had worn while pregnant. I thought, this time, I can say something. She’s obviously pregnant, she’s wearing a maternity dress, right? So I said, How far along are you? Wrong, she had had her baby a few months before, but couldn’t fit into any of her clothes, and thought the dress could pass for non-maternity. I was horribly embarrassed, she felt awful about how she looked, and it was a bad day all around. It’s never a good idea to ask.

      • Ruby

        not good to ask. agree. know someone who just lost hers at 6 months, you do not want to be the person putting foot in mouth- you never know.

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