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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 316 Comments · by

Wednesday’s TPS Report: Tipped wool blazer

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Tipped wool blazerI don't know why, but blazers with “tipped” lapels — which always look great with jeans — are often harder to wear at the office with trousers, pencil skirts, and shift dresses. This one from Banana Republic looks like the exception to the rule, though — I love the gray on gray, the 3 pockets, and the fit. It's $130 in sizes 00-16, regular and petite, and it's also available in a black/navy combo. Banana Republic Tipped Wool Blazer Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-2) P.S. I keep forgetting to mention this — there's an amazing secret Kate Spade sale going on right now — so get over there! :)

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. JessC

    Cute blazer, though a bit out of my current price range (and I’m not really in the market for new blazers at the moment). Looks like it would be super cozy.

    Travel TJ – any recommendations for things to do/see in Savannah, GA? Going with the SO for a weekend in mid-September and looking for some recs of what to do while we’re there. Of course, eatting at Lady and Sons is already on the list. :)

    • K...in transition

      I took the bus tour, which was really historical and interesting. Also, if you want to go to Paula Dean’s restaurant, make reservations now!

    • SAB

      Lady & Sons is more hype than quality. The line is ridiculous. Mrs. Wilkes Boarding House is generally the recommended alternative if you are looking for that type of experience. Repost from my answer a couple of weeks ago regarding Savannah : Downtown has some great hotels and B&Bs. We have done Priceline and gotten the Avia (v. cool hotel) and the Hilton (dated, but perfectly adequate). The Bohemian hotel is right on the river and has a cool rooftop bar. Nice dining: Noble Fare (my favorite of this list), Local11Ten, Alligator Soul. Haven’t been to Elizabeth on 37 or Cha Bella, but those are recommended. Pink House is nice and open for lunch. Crystal Beer Parlor is a lot of fun and Green Truck Pub if you want a grass fed burger.
      Savannah is big on history and walking tours abound, as do cemetaries. For evening activities, look at Savannah Slow Ride or a ghost tour. The historic district has no open container law and allows you to walk around with your adult beverage. I recently moved to Savannah so I may be able to answer more specific questions as well.

        • SAB

          Unfortunately, not yet. Seabolt, Cora Bett Thomas and Keller Williams are big players down here, but I don’t have many personal dealings.

      • Anon

        Co-sign re: Lady & Sons. The line is insane, and the food is just fine. When my husband and I visited about six years ago, we had dinner at the Pink House and drinks at Vic’s on the River. We loved both. Vic’s is worth checking out for the “rediscovered” civil war battle map drawn on one wall of the bar. We also had breakfast at Clary’s, which has a starring role in Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil; it was a great greasy spoon type place. Around the time that we visited, the NYT did their 36-hours in Savannah, and it was a helpful resource.

        • eek

          I’ve heard the same thing about Lady & Sons. Someone said the food “tasted like canned food.” And this person isn’t a foodie-type, either.

      • Anony

        My fiance and I spent New Years there a few years ago. We loved the Pink House! We only went for apps and a couple of beers outside, but it was great. We stayed at the Hilton via Priceline–it was close enough to walk downtown, and it’s right on the water so it has nice views. For our “nice” dinner on New Years Eve, we went to Elizabeth on 37th–it was really great and the food was excellent. I would recommend making reservations. We also had drinks one morning on the roof top bar at the Bohemian, which has a nice view of the city.

        For a historical thing – we toured the Mercer-Williams House, during the day, instead of doing the entire Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil Tour (we have a short attention span for guided tours). It was really interesting. Otherwise, we just walked from square to square in the historical district or just walked along the river.

    • darby

      So it’s been about 10 years since I was in Savannah, but I loved the Gryphon Tea Room when I was there — old pharmacy converted into a tea place, over by the SCAD.

    • JessBee

      DH and I were there last month. Be prepared to eat! A lot! :) We listened to Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil in the car on the way down– unabridged, it’s 15 hours or so!–and that really made the trip more fun for us. I recommend reading or re-reading it, or at least watching the movie. We spent a day out on Tybee, did an on/off trolley tour, a ghost tour, toured Mercer-Williams house, visited Bonaventure Cemetery, and ate a ton. Pink House was the best meal we had, hands down. For a fancier meal, we ate at 700 Drayton, which is in the Mansion on Forsyth Park. It was good, but not great. We also did Lady & Sons. We knew the food there wouldn’t be as good as other places, but that’s not really why you go, right? The trolley tour let us get history and context, as well as an easy way to see everything and then be able to choose where we wanted to get off and do more looking. Bonaventure is beautiful, and Johnnie Mercer is buried there, and his house is cool. Be prepared for the city to close at 4:30-5, and plan accordingly if you want to do house tours or museums. After that, you can mostly choose to eat, drink, or shop.

    • Praxidike

      I just hate how everything has big, visible pockets right now. For God’s sake – I don’t need pockets on my cardigan or this type of jacket (especially not that kind of pocket), and I ESPECIALLY don’t need those pockets near my hips/stomach. Bleh.

  2. MissJackson

    PSA for the rest of you that are more straight up and down in the waist/hips: the J. Crew No. 2 pencil skirt in double serge wool is marked down significantly this morning in lots of fun colors — plus 30% sale promo with code LOVEIT — bringing the price to a very reasonable $68.60 (from a much more unreasonable $130).

    • SF Bay Associate

      Thanks MissJackson – ordered the pink double serge and the purple herringbone. Eyeing the pepper tweed as well. It’s funny, I’m not straight up and down, but the No. 2 fits me well.

      • Motoko Kusanagi

        GET IT! Pepper tweed is $89 after the markdown and code, and it rocks. I wore it yesterday.

        • SF Bay Associate

          Ok, ordered. When my DH stares at the TWO jcrew boxes on our doorstep next week, I’m blaming my internet friends :).

        • Praxidike

          Which one is the pepper tweed? I love tweed, but I don’t see it! THE HORROR.

        • SF Bay Associate

          +1 – my double serge wool No. 2’s don’t wrinkle. The fabric is thick (or at least, the version two years ago was).

      • Monday

        I love that this has become a point of constant vigilance and public warnings for at least b23 and myself.

        I will say that I have the bi-stretch wool suit, including skirt, and the lap wrinkling is within an acceptable range for me. It also fades after a few minutes of standing, as opposed to the etched-in-stone staying power of the serge cotton wrinkles.

        No lap wrinkling with the eyelet cotton No. 2, by the way.

    • Charlotte

      Can anyone comment on the color/tone of the “Berry Pink” double-serge wool skirt? It looks like a beautiful bright coralish pink online, but I was wondering if it looks different in real life.

  3. Suomi

    I love this one, but I would still be hesitant to wear it at the office. Perhaps it could work for a causal Friday. It will look great with jeans!
    A quick questions for those of you curvier ladies – what brand of slacks do you find best suited for a pear-shaped figure? I wear skirts almost exclusively. I almost never feel comfortable in slacks because I have thicker ties and a bit of a rear. What brands have you found to fit you best?
    Much appreciated.

  4. b23

    My hubs likes to stay up later than me and read in bed with the lamp on. I can’t sleep when he has the lamp on, even when wearing a sleep mask. Do y’all think I have the right to ask him to read in the living room? He says he likes to fall asleep while reading, which is why he wants to read in bed. It’s making me insane.

    • MissJackson

      I think it’s probably worth it to try to find a solution that works for both of you first. What about a kindle with a reading light, the nook that has the built in backlighting thing, or even just one of those lights that clips on to his books?

      If you try that and it doesn’t work, yes, I think it’s reasonable to ask him to read in the living room.

      • b23

        He reads on his iPad sometimes, but he says he still needs the lamp because otherwise it’s bad for his eyes.

        Do you see why this is making me crazy???

        Maybe a book light would work for when he isn’t on the iPad.

        • rosie

          The Kindle Fire solved this same problem for my parents. I don’t know if the Kindle Fire is that much different from the iPad, but it might be worth a try.

          I am a pretty light sleeper and I probably could not fall asleep on a regular basis with a lamp on. However, sometimes I will think I’ll be distracted by something–like if my husband is typing on his laptop while I’m trying to sleep–and I’ll be able to deliberately stop focusing on it. Instead of getting upset about it, I tell myself to forget about it for 5 minutes, and if it’s still bothering me after I’ve tried to stop thinking about it, I will ask my husband to read only or move to another room to type. That generally works for me.

          • rosie

            I should add that if none of these suggestions help, I think ultimately the bedroom is for sleeping, so that takes priority. Ask him to read somewhere else or start reading earlier, so he will be ready to shut the light when you are ready for bed.

        • CJ

          Nook simple touch glow light? It won’t have the glare of the Kindle or iPad. He should try it in store.

          Also, silent page turns. We bought my dad just before the touch came out. Now my mom complains that the click of the page turn button is too loud!

    • Suomi

      I have heard that some people, like you, have a real problem falling asleep with the lights on. I think that if that bothers you and prevents you from falling asleep, it is perfectly appropriate to talk to your husband about it. You said that he likes to fall asleep by reading. It seems that this is just a preference, not something he needs to do to fall asleep. Am I right? Anyway, asking him to read in another room to allow you get some sleep is not an unreasonable request.

    • Bonnie

      You can also try a bedside lamp that focuses light. Also, have him swap out the lightbulb for a lower wattage.

    • Emily Elizabeth

      We have the same problem in our house execpt with the TV – husband has been a late-night tv watcher and likes to fall asleep with the TV on. On the other hand, I can’t relax with the flashing flickering light of the TV in the dark.

      We’ve talked about it a lot and deal with it differently depending on how stressful our weeks are. When I’m not in a rush to fall asleep, he gets about 30-40 minutes of tv watching to wind down without me complaining before he has to turn it off or go downstairs. In turn, I get to cuddle or talk with him and sometimes even fall asleep with the tv on. However, if I desperately need to go to sleep immediately (overtired, stressed out, etc…), he gets only gets 5 or 10 minutes to check the sports updates and then he’s banished to the iPad or another room.

      It’s pretty informal, but works for us.

    • Anne Shirley

      Kindle, cover with built in book light. Or, remind him that getting stabbed in the eye by his exhausted wife would also be bad.

      Signed, can’t sleep with light either

    • InfoGeek

      It may seem weird, but there’s no rule that says you have to sleep together. I know lots of married couples that sleep separately due to snoring, different schedules, etc.

      • Gail the Goldfish

        My personal favorite suggestion. As soon as my BF and I can afford a two bedroom apartment (or move out of new york to somewhere where affording a two bedroom apartment isn’t as hard), I’m all for separate bedrooms.

        Barring that, Barnes and Noble now has a Nook with a built-in light that’s fairly unobtrusive.

    • KLG

      Definitely try the book light first if you can. I find if I don’t read for a little while in bed, I lay awake for hours. For some reason it calms my mind and makes me sleepy in a way other things I’ve tried haven’t. Plus I am less inclined to want to hit my husband for sleeping away peacefully if I am reading and not laying there thinking how annoying it is that he is asleep and I can’t seem to fall asleep. :)

    • Blonde Lawyer

      There is a little light sold at pharmacies that I think is an “as seen on tv” product called a hug light. It goes around your neck and points right into the book. It has different settings for different brightness levels. My mom uses hers in bed and in the car. Not sure if that would be dark enough to help you.

    • lawsuited

      Sleep is so important – I think you have the “right” to ask him not to keep the lamp on past 11pm or whatever you bedtime is. If he needs to read before going to sleep, he could go to the bedroom 30 or 45 minutes earlier than that.

      As a side note, my husband reads on his playbook – the screen provides enough light to read by but not enough to bother me.

    • Nonny

      As a pre-sleep reader myself, I understand where your husband is coming from. I like to read for even just 5 minutes before sleeping.

      If a bedside lamp is too much for you, have your husband try a clip-on book light.

      But please don’t suggest to your hubby that he go and read in the living room. I would be totally miserable if I had to do that.

      • Marilla

        I typically read myself to sleep too, which usually doesn’t bother my husband. However, on nights when I can sense I’m not going to fall asleep quickly or I want to read for more than 10-15 minutes, I will absolutely go to the living room to read. (I did this last night, in fact, and I walked right into a box of new dishes in the hallway in the dark because I am incredibly graceful.) I’ve also asked him to go read in the living room if I’m already asleep and he’s in the mood to read himself to sleep, because even with his lamp dimmed as far as possible, it wakes me. Anyways, my blathering point is that I get the reading yourself to sleep thing, but if it interferes with your partner’s sleep, it’s not really fair to them.

      • Research, Not Law

        My husband is a pre-sleep reader and moving him really wasn’t an option. I second the book light or kindle cover with light.

    • mamabear

      I’m the late night reader in the relationship and this is one issue that has driven me crazy. My husband suggests i read in another room but that is not the same thing as falling asleep with a book.

      First of all, I would NEVER leave the full bedside lamp on. That is selfish of your husband and you can tell him I said so.

      I’ve tried various book lights but, while they are small, they shine a very direct beam of light that is just as bothersome to my husband. Even on the “low” setting.

      So for now, i read only with the light from my iPad, turning the brightness all the way down, and flipping myslf around so that my head is at the footboard of the bed. I cover up with the throw we leave at the foot of the bed.

      Husband still grumbles but i think it’s pretty clear I’ve gone to extremes here, so at this point I kust ignore him.

    • darjeeling

      we use a little book light for this purpose and it really doesn’t bother me (and I’m very sensitive to any light also when sleeping or trying to) but the really best thing is an actual candle.

    • emcsquared

      My DH has a booklight and iPad, and reads on his side facing away from me so he blocks the light with his body (does this make sense?). I couldn’t deal with the bedside lamp either, and the wobbly booklight (the beam tended to bounce with his breathing) made me crazy until we figured out this solution.

      I really like the idea of setting a hard time deadline – DH tends to vary his bedtime by 1-1.5 hours and then wants 30 minutes to read, which can mean it’s midnight by the time he’s done.

    • eastbaybanker

      I agree! I just bought the brown leather shift dress and it is positively dreamy. I don’t need it. I have nowhere to wear it. But it is so so pretty. I think the collection’s travel theme is pretty shamelessly ripped off of Marc Jacob’s fall collection for LV and I love it.

  6. K...in transition

    I might end up having to choose between 2 job offers… wondering what y’all would do (assuming these facts to be after contract/salary negotiations):

    Job A: stressful work with little sight of positive results, 2 person team, most work is done on own or in car, 1 hr commute each way, 2 wks paid vacation, average benefits, approx. $38k/yr (industry average)

    Job A is about 30 miles away but in a super high traffic area with a lot of winter difficulty as it’s right in the snow belt, which might mean using a good chunk of PTO for times due to the weather. There’d be additional wear n tear on a car and the increase in insurance for travel, and the job requires a higher level of insurance than most people carry. There’d also be an increase in student loan repayment since there’d be a higher income level. Health insurance is approx. $75/mo. paid by employee

    Job B: less stressful environment with lots of opportunity to see your work pay off, larger team, private office on-site is provided, 30 min commute each way, 2 weeks off in December/1 week in spring/6 weeks in summer, low benefits, employer pays 50% of health insurance, approx. $27k/yr

    Job B is about 20 miles away but is within a school, so really bad weather would cause the school to close. Their insurance plan covers 50% of what the employee chooses. In theory, one could probably get decent insurance for $150/mo. and end up in the same spot as with Job A.

    Other considerations: I -could- survive on the amount of Job B (though it’s essentially $16ish/hr, not much more than unemployment and less than what some high school diploma’d people make in their jobs), once I pay off the 14k in debt I incurred from my Nikko’s vet bills, but paying that off will be tougher with lower money (though it’s at a 0% interest rate due to having great credit). However, Job B is one I think I’d truly enjoy more.

    Which would YOU choose and why?

    • Cb

      If you can financially swing it, I’d go with B. The reduced commute time and less stressful environment might leave you with a bit of head space for side jobs which would give you a bit more flexibility moneywise.

    • anonahol

      Presuming you can live on Job B’s salary, that’s the one I’d choose. Mostly because it’s what you want to be doing and it just sounds like an overall better package. Plus, with all the time off in the summer you could pursue other activities you enjoy or pick up a side gig. Just seems like a better overall fit.

    • AnonInfinity

      It seems like you want Job B more. If it has reasonable advancement potential, I’d do that in your position.

    • Walnut

      It seems like you want Job B more. If it has reasonable advancement potential, I’d do that in your position.

      • K...in transition

        nope, housing is set for at least the next 2 years (am living in a home with super low rent, so living here is actually what would allow me to afford job B and/or helps to pay down my debt)

        • Anne Shirley

          Then my vote is for B, and getting a job working at a camp in the summer. But that’s just cause summer makes me campsick. Congrats on the jobs!

    • DC Jenny

      Could you take Job B and pursue other revenue streams on the side to bolster your income?

    • L

      Have you done the paycheck calculation with the benefits taken out? I wonder if there would be much net difference b/w A and B given the health insurance costs. Also consider if there is greater opportunity with Job B to cost shift additional expenses to employees in the future and which place would have more stability, as well as future raise potential.

      Based on the conditions above, I would be inclined to go for Job A simply because of the money. Yes, the working conditions aren’t as great, but I stress about money (and lack thereof) and being able to live like I’m still make Job B’s salary, saving the rest, and having greater loan repayment would give me greater peace of mind. Plus I hate traveling in the winter anyways, so the thought of being able to use PTO for snow days and snuggle on the couch with the animals makes me happy.

    • KK

      B, no contest. That’s a lot of vacation time! Factor in the value of satisfying work, less stress, and lots of time off.

    • Iris

      Job B. Also, consider whether you’ll pay less in tax with Job B – the difference in take home pay might not be as dramatic as the difference in the actual salary.

    • Marilla

      (First of all, quick vent. I think it is so criminal that our social workers and people in similar professions are so underpaid when they work so hard and are SO valuable. I know most of the time, the organizations that need these people cannot afford more.. but it drives me crazy.)

      It sounds like you really want to take Job B despite the lower pay, and it does sound like a significantly better job other than that issue. Have you mapped out a budget for both? Will you have time to continue your side gigs (editing/writing) while working, and will that help bring your income up? Are there opportunities to pick up temp work during the summer six weeks off?

    • KLG

      Job B. No question. If you can survive on the salary, I can assure you that a higher salary at a miserable job will not be worth it.

      So much of your life revolves around work. If work makes you miserable, it bleeds into other areas of your life. Being fulfilled in your job makes it slightly easier to overlook a bare bones salary.

    • Diana Barry

      B, if you think you’d be able to make up some of the $ (maybe on the weeks off?). But 9K is a big difference!

    • Ellen

      I think I would go for job B also. Who needs alot of xtra stress in your life? Also, you can get probabeley get a payment plan for Nikkoe’s bills. I remember that my ex had to pay for some bill, and he said that he would ONLY pay if he could do it over TIME. So they let him do it.

      Right now, I have alot of expenses and credit card bills that I have to pay off, and ALSO the coop maintenenanece (which is like rent). My dad take’s care of the coop’s MORGAGE, even tho it is in MY name b/c of tax reasons (whatever those are I do not know or CARE), but I have alot of stress between my job and my other thing’s.

      Right now I am geting together the HSR form, but the manageing partner is NOT helpeing me. He sent me over to Frank, but he is NOT good at interepretating these instruction’s and Jim has NOT even told me who the “target” is so I can’t even fill out the first part of the form, which is REQUIRED to tell the goverment what Jim’s corporation want’s to do!

      So, I have billed over 15 hours so far and have NOTHING in writeing to show Jim. FOOEY!

    • ss

      Fingers crossed that both offers come through. Am sure you’ll make the right decision.

    • lawsuited

      I’d choose Job A, assuming that in a few years once loans were paid off or closer to being paid off, a job similar to Job B would still be available to me.

      It seems that you have to decide which is more important to you – having more money or more enjoyment at work. (And recognize that either preference is legitimate.) I recommend doing the “5 Steps to Quantify Life Satisfaction” exercise on Ashley’s Consciously Corporate blog. It helped me make a decision between several jobs. For me, financial security ranked higher than job satisfaction, so I took the higher paying job.

    • just Karen

      If you can live on the salary of job B, it sounds like that is absolutely where your heart is. Given how much time is spent at work or thinking about work, choosing the job that makes you happier is an investment in your own well-being that is hard to beat. The only reason I would choose A is if B’s financial picture would stress you to the point where you would lose out on the improved quality of life it sounds like it would give you. Definitely second the plug for trying to continue some side business, like the skype therapy sessions, to help even it out. You basically have an extra hour a day with job B based on the commute, plus all of the vacation time, plus more satisfying work…sold.

    • Maine Associate

      Job B. (1) Two hour/day commute on a perfect weather day is a long time and will be even longer in the snow. I did it for many years and hated it every day. (2) Better work environment. You would need a much larger difference in pay to get me to work in a high stress environment. (3) Increased costs-once you figure in the increase cost of the enhanced insurance and your commuting expenses, you might not be making any more money than Job B.

    • Merabella

      I would say Job B. Not only because it seems like it would be a better fit for you, but the time available to you as vacation can be used to develop other opportunities, like your skype therapy gig, writing gigs, etc. Also, because the commute is less, you will get home sooner and can work on those things after hours more easily.

      I think you want Job B, but are trying to convince yourself you want Job A because of the money. Job B seems like a better fit for your personality, and will allow you to continue working on the things you have built up during your unemployment.

      It seems like you have already decided, and I think your choice is valid.

    • Jennifer

      You mentioned recently that after reading The Defining Decade, you were formulating longer term plans. Which of these jobs serves your long term career (financial?) plans better?

  7. momentsofabsurdity

    Can I put in a plug for the top I’m wearing today? I got it at Express and it is super comfortable, super flattering, comes in great colors, well priced and works well over the skinny jeans/sandals I’m wearing to my casual office, but I bet would also look great tucked into a pencil skirt.

    http://www.express.com/short-sleeve-contrast-fabric-easy-tee-45661-998/control/page/5/show/3/index.pro

    I’m already pretty sure this one’s going to be a staple in my wardrobe.

    • Midwest

      Oh, love it. I’ve been looking for something like this. Thanks for the tip!

    • Anonymous NYer

      I JUST put in an order at express that’s on it’s way to me now, ordered about 2 days ago. Not sure how I missed this top! It’s lovely and exactly my style. may have to make a 2nd purchase…

  8. Laptop Recs

    I am looking for a new laptop for use at home. I would use it for internet, Microsoft Office/equivalent, and iTunes, and not much else. I would like it to be on the small, light, and cheap side. I’m having trouble finding something that would meet these requirements (probably not a Mac since I want something cheap and don’t need fancy tech stuff) but isn’t also slow. Does anyone have any recommendations? Thanks.

  9. K...in transition

    Anyone looking to have political conversation of the pro-equality nature, please feel free to visit my blog; voicing equality dot org. (I know it outs me and I don’t mean to turn this into a political discussion here, but some have mentioned wishing for a place to have such discussions and/or to be kept up on the latest news, so there’s your answer) :) PS don’t mention -this site- there, I don’t want the readers there to flood this site since they’re often very different crowds! :)

  10. Anon

    I tried the featured blazer on recently . It is cute but a bit too warm with its wool content for me. I prefer the less expensive version offered by sister company Gap — the Academy blazer made of ponte knit. It’s only $88 and right now you can get 25% off. The navy version is tipped in black and there is a gray option as well.

      • Honey Pillows

        Any suggestions on styling (w/ colors, etc) for a really casual business casual workplace?

        I’m leaning towards navy, but I’d originally planned on getting a blazer like this in a brown tweed. The Hive know of any of those available for around the same price point?

  11. School-Aged Kids

    For those of you with school-aged children (primary grades), please chime in with how you handle a school schedule (holidays, summers off, school day shorter than the work day). I have two children in a wonderful day care close to my office, but the older one will be off to school next year.

    Both of us work with erratic schedules and neither of us has local family. I work mainly with guys and if they have children, either their wife doesn’t work or works with a flexible schedule (real estate, etc.). My mother taught school, as do my sister and cousins who aren’t night-shift nurses, so I feel like I am approaching this from way behind the curve.

    Do I need a driver / housekeeper like Alice on the Brady bunch? Rely on after-school care at school? And that winter and summer vacation — aiiii! How to handle playing with friends and activities, especially if a significant number of mothers don’t work?

    Many thanks for all advice!

    • Anne-on

      Ooh – yes please, any advice would be much appreciate. Right now I have a young son in day care but I’m a little scared of what will happen when he goes to school and comes home at 2/3ish. Do people hire part-time nannies or baby sitters for the 3-6pm time frame? Do you double up with neighbors in similar situations?
      I work from home, so I can pick up, but I still need to *work* till 6, which I simply cannot do while trying to give a snack/cook dinner/supervise homework/etc.

    • anonahol

      I’m curious too! My mom stayed home until I was old enough to be on my own in the summer (I think I was 10, but I don’t know if people still let their 10-year olds stay at home alone anymore?!).

      And ugh, working w/ all guys who have saintly stay at home wives is the worst. My boss gladly works late all the time, never has to run to the pharmacy, grocery store, pediatrician, etc, because his SAHM-wife is, as I said, a saint (she sleeps in another room she doesn’t wake him up when she has to nurse the baby. Yeah.). He pretty much shows up every night and the baby is already asleep and dinner is waiting. I am fearful when I have a kiddo I will have to explain to him that, um, I’m the mom/wife and no one is going to do the errands/housework/childcare for me…..so I can’t work 12 hour days…

    • 20-Year High School Reunion

      We have 2 school-aged kids and use the school’s after-school program. It offers before-school care as well, but we don’t need that. Usually, for other full days when there is no school (teachers’ workshops–why are there so many?!?), the program offers full day coverage, except holidays, like Thanksgiving, a few days around Christmas, etc. Probably the same days your daycare is closed. I use those full days when I can because I need to save time off for those days the school nurse calls.

      Using the program is very convenient as it’s right there in the school. The kids can play with their friends, eat a snack, and have a choice of activities. I like that I don’t need to rely on one person for their care. The program is always available and the schedule is set ahead of time, so you can plan for days when it is closed.

      The program expands to full days in the summer, but with some gaps in the beginning and end of summer that we had to scramble to find care or use our vacation time. The summer program scheduled a lot of field trips, which keeps things fun for the kids. We’ve used that summer program a few times, but opted for a FT nanny this summer. That was convenient in its own way and allowed us flexibility and more control over what our children did this summer. The hard part is finding a good one and you still have to find alternate care when the nanny can’t make it.

      Good luck!

      • Eleanor

        I don’t have kids, but I went to a program that sounds like this from first grade through fifth, since both my parents always worked full-time. I went to the morning and afternoon versions; there was no summer option, so I went to day camp. I liked it well enough; they always gave us a snack right after school, and a bunch of my friends were in the program, too. My parents just had to pick me up by 6pm.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Not in your shoes but where you appear to be surrounded by SAHMs, would any like some extra income for watching an extra kid? My mom was a SAHM and did informal daycare watching up to 4 neighborhood kids at any given time. I loved it because my friends were there and she loved it because it wasn’t that much more work and gave her extra income. I don’t think she sought them out. I’m pretty sure the neighbor came to her and said “since you are home w/ blonde lawyer, could I pay you x to watch my son too?”

    • EC MD

      I’m already beginning to think about this as well, though with having number 2 we’re delaying these kind of decisions. I see the options as:

      1) After school care that syncs with the public school calendar and is willing to tolerate the vagaries. When I was a kid, we actually preferred in-home care at this age rather than a big program. It was a little more personal and the woman was willing to take us once in a while if we were too sick to go to school, but not barfing, etc.
      2) Hire someone to do after school care for your kids. This seems like an option if your kids are doing a lot of activities afterschool and need to be driven around. Some people talk about hiring college kids to do this, and depending on your area this might be an option. Clearly though, you need someone super responsible.

      I’m not sure what we’ll do when we approach this. Currently we have a fabulous super organized nanny that we’ll try to hang on to through #2 starting school (5 years from now – yikes!) and then figure out from there.

    • JR

      We do after school care for both kids. It runs 3-6. This summer they did day camp at a local church, but our city parks and rec offers one, as does the YMCA, their school, the local children’s museum, and the local zoo. Some of those only cover two months in the summer, but some of them covered the entire time school was out.

      I do know some people who hire responsible college students or part time nannies to pick the kids up and schlep them to their after school activities. Some have their nannies start dinner too.

    • InfoGeek

      Are there day care centers around that pickup at the school? Aftercare at school itself? Here there’s even a local martial arts studio that does school pickup and does supervised homework as well as classes.

      As far as holidays, in our area there are lots of places that have daycamps for the non-school periods. I’d check the Y, science museum, art museum, children’s theater, etc. It’s a little bumpier because it’s not you standard schedule, but it can work.

      For summer, there’s normal daycare or you can piece together a camp for each week. A friend used to host a small party in the spring where all the moms brought calendars and worked out the kids’ schedules, which included some time at the same activities and some time that wasn’t.

      A parent of one of my daughter’s friends hired several college students to get her kids to/from school and activities. They actually even provided a car for the college student to use.

      I had the flexible job, but we used a high school babysitter when I was out of town. I think the occasional babysitter is the worst solution, by the way. You have to make arrangements each time it’s needed and there’s a greater chance of failure because it’s not the normal schedule.

    • School-Aged Kids

      Things I’ve thought of since posting:
      1. In my job, I cannot run afoul of nanny-tax issues, so I have loved the above-board nature of day care. I will have to pay any household help and file paperwork on them, which I suspect may eliminate some candidates.
      2. Perhaps as the juggle gets more complicated, it may become time for DH or I (or both) to consider other jobs (and save up in advance of any voluntary downsizing or career tweaks). I was thinking as I watched the Olympics, How did their parents manage?
      3. My OB has always had a nanny just to have someone at home and available to pick up children / do driving, especially as her children weren’t always at the same school, had different friends, and played different sports. Apparently the good ones will want a 40 or 20-hour / week commitment (which I think is fair). Maybe it’s redundant, but perhaps when you don’t have local family and everyone you know well works, that is what keeps the system from breaking down entirely.

      • DealCube

        A couple of things to think about.

        There are companies that handle all the tax issues for you. While you may eliminate some candidates, the general issue usually comes down to money. Nannies tend to have a bottom line — if you pay them enough so that their take home meets that, working above boards is generally not an issue (there are exceptions).

        There are services that you can hire that will “supply” the nanny — you employ the service, the service employs the nanny. It is very similar to a daycare arrangement in that way. In addition, you can often get built-in back-up care with such services (so if your nanny is sick or if you need extra hours, you aren’t stuck).

        If you have the space you might consider an au pair. One of the programs offers an educational au pair arrangement, and the cost is not as much as you might expect. Rather than the regular au pair program, the person you are matched with is more limited in hours and attends school. When I looked into it, the hours fit well with school age children.

    • DC Anon

      I have no kids myself, but I can tell you what my parents did (and I turned out fine!). During the school year, I went to an afterschool program that ran from something like 3-6. During summers, I went to day camp most of the time and then would go away to sleepaway camp for one or two weeks each summer. This works well if on the vast majority of days, one of the two of you will be able to pick the kid up by the closing time at daycare. If you don’t think that will be the case, then getting a part-time nanny to handle after school care is probably the best solution. Local colleges can be a good place to look.

    • KLG

      I became a stepmom to a school aged child last year and this has been really eye opening for me since my mom was a teacher and therefore generally home to take care of us and we could stay at Grandma’s for the week before/after school started that she had to work. We now live in an area where dual income families are not the norm (we actually live in a poor area so this was a big shock to me…).

      You may want to consider an au pair if you’re okay with having someone live in because that will provide the most flexible option for you regardless of whether it’s a regular school day, early dismissal, school holiday, or summer vacation.

      Also, talk to your husband about trying to make one of you the morning parent and one the afternoon. We often switch off because of erratic schedules but in general I am in charge of getting stepdaughter to school/camp/whatever in the morning and he is in charge of picking her up on time in the evening. He generally goes into work earlier most days and I generally work later most days, but we adjust as needed to try and accommodate things that come up at work.

      Since we only have my stepdaughter every other week, that didn’t exactly work for us so we’ve cobbled together the following (this is based on her attending public school, these options may differ with private school).

      1) For any/all care, do either of you have flexible spending accounts via your employer? If so, look into dependent care accounts and see what you can get covered. That way you are paying for child care with pretax dollars (it’s expensive so every little bit helps!).
      2) For regular school days, look into the county or school system aftercare. It’s cheap and easy and probably your best bet if you don’t have family nearby. Plus you won’t have to worry about transportation because it will be located at your child’s school or they will bus your child from her school to a nearby one. Plus these tend to be open until 6 or 6:30 pm (not great but usually doable between two parents) and will watch your kid until then on early dismissal days.
      3) For summer, look into day camps or hiring a college kid if your child can’t go back the daycare you love. It’s expensive for sure but will let your kids do some of the stuff stay at home moms are doing with their kids (go to the pool, playground, etc.). Most of the day camps have options to drop your kid off early/pick up late for an extra fee.
      4) School breaks/holidays are the toughest. We usually try to take some vacation during these or see if family can come stay with us. We also sometimes call in favors to the stay at home moms (can you watch our kid on Martin Luther King day? We’ll watch your kids for 2 Friday nights if you can!)
      5) In terms of playing with other kids, that’s tougher. We do a lot on weekends and not so much during the week but if another parent offers to have her over after school and can provide transportation from school to their house, we let her go.

    • SpaceMountain

      This is why I moved halfway across the country to be within a mile of my mother, and now I have a job where I telecommute. It was so much easier when the children were in day care all day. Now there are after school activities, sports practices across town, playdates, days off school, summer vacation, etc. I have many layers of back-ups given that my job requires travel.

    • COS

      We have 3 kids (entering 1st, 3rd, 6th) and what I consider to be a rather ideal situation, albeit expensive. We pay an tax-paying nanny for 30 hours, which we were told by the agencies is the minimum to get someone reliable, although we would only “need” one for 15 (i.e. she works 12p-6p vs the 3-6 we “need”). We can’t do after-care due to the need for flexibility and the active pre-6pm sports and activities schedules of our children that require responsible transportation. From 12-3, our nanny cleans our home, does the children’s laundry, buy groceries and runs to Target, and empties the dishwasher. We pay our nanny extra on days the kids have off school, and if she can’t do it, one of us takes off. I’d love to have the extra money for half the hours (if you’re wondering, we pay $18/hr, in midwest), but I can’t imagine what other situation would support two serious careers in a city without relatives/grandparents. Like many things, it’s the cost of two careers, and to some degree, the cost of kids’ activities that are active. It’s also peace of mind that the job/kids thing is working and relatively stress-free.
      (I’d love to find a college student who would work 3-6 instead…)

        • COS

          That’s the only downside. Our current person is willing to swap into 50 hours during the summer – she enjoys the extra $ but wouldn’t want those hours year-round. I love that the kids get the continuity of their caregiver – we’ve had 3 in 11 years. But if we ever lose her, we might have to shift to the cycle of many of my friends: one person for the school year/college student for the summer. Although I do have friends/neighbors who pay 40 hours year-round to avoid that need. We’re playing it by ear and hoping our situation doesn’t change. And if it’s not obvoius, part of the reason I’m willing to pay so much is that having the best care assauges my working-mom guilt. 11 years later, and it doesn’t fade, although the kids’ needs most certainly change.

      • Merabella

        I did this when I was in college. The families I worked for found me through my sorority. I think this is a good option for finding help.

        • COS

          Thanks for the suggestion, if we need it in the future. I honestly have wondered how to tap into the local college students who want to work part-time, and maybe I should have been more aggressive cosidering that route. We hired an agency to find our current person, and then I ended up finding her myself through care dot com. The site requires a lot of screening, but so do the agencies. Our current nanny was interview number 7, but the brutalness of the process was worth it for the result.

          • Anonymous

            My undergrad college had an online job portal where off-campus (including babysitting jobs) opportunities were also posted. You might want to look into colleges around your area to see if they have something similar.

      • anon

        We found our college age babysitter, who picks the kids up from afterschool and daycare through the sororities at our local university as well. Find some way to get on their listserve and you should get plenty of responses to choose from. The good thing about finding someone in a sorority is that when she graduates, she usually will recommend other sophomores or juniors in the sorority to take her place. They have also been able to recommend people who are staying for summer school or internships that can help during the summer.

    • Divaliscious11

      I finally went with an au pair. She drives to and from school, to and from activities, makes sure homework is done and warms up dinner I’ve cooked on the weekend or overnight in the crockpot. The schedule limitations are no more than 10 hours a day/45 hours a week. We never get close, except in August, but if something pops up at work, I am not scrambling to get to a center etc… She is also able to cover those random days off of school, although I will try to work from home, or leave early on those days. She is old enough to be responsible and young enough to engage the kids, and also gives them their space. I had a nanny when they were younger but at school age, I just don’t need the same coverage, and found it very difficult to find someone who could help for a half hour in the morning, and then back in the afternoon. I usually take some of my vacation time for holidays/spring break.
      My son is old enough to be dropped off for play dates (11), and my au pair does that as well.

      The cons: I had to give up my home office to make a room for her, additional expenses related to extra car, insurance, program expenses, having another person in your house.

      In the end, its been the best for us considering DH is working in another state and my kids go to different schools and have different activities

      • Divaliscious11

        Oh, it averages at $260 a week, but in reality we pay about $6500 in program fees and around $200 a week to the au pair. We don’t have the tax issues we had with a nanny because she is here on a visa. We pay $500 each semester toward a a class(es) each semester so she can meet her academic requirements.

    • mamabear

      Our kids are in public schools, and in a district with a really effective teacher’s lobby, which has resulted in more “in service” days (ie no school) than neighboring districts, and of course the usual rash of Monday holidays.

      (why do teachers unions always lobby for fewer days with the children they claim to care so much about?)

      So we are fortunate to have our kids in a not-district-affiliated after school program that is open for many of the in service days. We sign up for most of these days as soon as possible. However, the after school program does close for all the technical holidays schools have off et the rest of us do not – veterans day, columbus day…. Excuse me, Indigenous Peoples Day (yes, i live in Berkeley)

      So for those random holidays plus sick kid days – more common that school holidays – my husband and I take turns either working from home or taking a day off. It sucks and uses up a lot of your vacation, but that’s just how it goes. I do not think you necessarily need an “Alice” for this, but if you can afford one, OMG that is my fantasy.

    • Anon

      I have been on both sides of this situation. When my oldest was in elementary school both my husband and I worked or were in school full time. We arranged our schedules so that one could do drop off and then she went to after-school care (which by the way, she LOVED. She would get upset to leave haha). The school also had morning care and they could eat breakfast there if needed. The after-care program also ran programs during fall break and spring break so she would usually go to those, or we would each take a couple of days off if we were able to. Summer was more difficult, but we patched together a system involving camps, a week trip to grandma’s house, and both my MIL and my mom came and visited during different weeks to help. We also tried to arrange our schedules to have time off (this however meant that my husband and I hardly ever had time off together…) Our elementary school also offered lots of after-school activities/clubs, so she was able to join choir, dance, and science club and they met right after school so I didn’t have to worry about driving her somewhere. Then we signed up for Saturday Only soccer (which is exactly like it sounds….) I found that the parents of my daughter’s friends were fairly accommodating also during this time. So if the girls wanted to get together during summer, I would just explain that I wouldn’t be able to pick her up until I was off work and that was usually fine. We ended up hosting more of the weekend sleepovers, since that is when I was home.

      Now we have two more little ones and my husband works part-time (opposite hours of me). So one of us is always home. But some of our friends have asked him for help with early dismissal, inservice days, ect. So he will watch those kids on those days. Maybe there are other stay at home parents in your area that would be willing to do something similar?

    • Wordy

      We did the afterschool program at school, which was great because it covered all the half days and teacher workdays, until my son started participating in an afterschool sport that was 3x/week from 5-6:30. Then we switched to an afterschool sitter, which has worked great. We are on our third college student (not as much turnover as it sounds — basically each has stayed for one year). The sitter can drive them to activities, which is huge because it does not limit them to certain sports/activities.

      There are tons of summer options. We have always used a sitter. I would say the biggest pain points are end of summer (colleges and teachers start back) and Christmas break. Most of my vacation goes to covering that, although my husband and I do trade back and forth to cover teacher workdays, half days, etc.

      I highly recommend care.com because you can be very specific about your requirements, hours, etc. I have friends who have au pairs and it works for them, but the big downside for me (besides the fact that we have no space in our house!) is that you are sometimes taking on parenting/responsibility for a young person who needs a lot of parenting! There are lots of college students and preschool teachers who are perfect for afternoon sitting.

      We are not very good on playdates – – that is a downside. I find it awkward to call a mom and invite her child over to play… and, oh by the way, I won’t be there, it will be a sitter.

      I have also overcome my natural shyness and have become very forward about approaching people to set up carpools for activities. (Very important as the kids get older and there are multiple activities at the same time.) I hate approaching parents I don’t know to set them up but it has always worked out so well for us.

      • Seventh Sister

        It seems like people do a lot of different things, which is so heartening and positive to hear! I feel a little isolated as a WOHM in a sort-of-ritzy urban area, and I’ve had people tell me smugly that, “once those kids leave daycare, you just won’t be able to work.” Glad to know people figure stuff out.

        • DC Jenny

          That’s infuriating. I would be really tempted to slap anyone who said that to me, or least scream about how no one would ever, ever say that to a dad.

          • Seventh Sister

            The urge to scream can become overwhelming. I try to avoid, but one of these days I’m going to snap and point out that a guy with a full-time job just isn’t a father, said no one ever.

    • Research, Not Law

      Not quite there yet, but here’s what my coworkers do:

      On school days: School after-care program; nearby day care (often the school is aware of centers that pick up, they are usually in-home); offset schedules (one parent goes into work very early and is done by the time school ends, the other parent drops off and works a later schedule); neighbor or parent of child’s classmate.

      On in-service days: Activities through school, parks & rec, or other community resource (zoo, science museum); vacation day; work from home; bring child to work to watch portable DVD player under desk (obviously know your workplace); hire high school student to babysit.

      During summer: Day camps, day camps, day camps; hire college-age nanny only looking for summer work.

  12. anon for this - divorce TJ

    Regular poster going anon for this.

    Yesterday’s thread from the commenter who wondered if she should leave her husband got me thinking. Things are not very good between my husband and me – frequent fights etc. I am leaning toward starting separation proceedings but I have a question for all of you who have gone through divorces… did you still have misgivings about your decision when you divorced or were you absolutely sure before you initiated divorce? I don’t know if I should try one more time to make things work or just move on. We don’t have kids so that’s not a complication. I know there’s no one right answer so just hoping to hear a few different perspectives. Thanks

    • another anon for this

      Not writing to answer your question, but I am in the exact situation and have been miserable about it. I am very sorry to hear you’re going through this, too, but your post made me feel a little less alone, so thanks. For me, I’m pretty sure I need to get out because I can’t see living another year, let alone five, ten, forever, with the way my marriage is now, and counseling has not led to sustained changes, just patches here and there. But the idea of starting over makes me feel sick.

    • anon too

      I got a divorce five years ago after being married for only a year and a half. I hemmed and hawed about what to do for months, until finally our couple’s therapist sent my ex out of the room and said to me, “I think you’ve already decided to get divorced, but you don’t know how to do it.” And that was the shove I needed to have the hard, hard conversation and start the process.

      In my case, my ex was a very nice person, but he was depressed all the time and I had lost all attraction to him, and I looked into my future and could see that I was giving up the chance to be with someone I was truly attracted to and that I deeply and passionately loved by staying. FWIW, I met that person eight months after the ink dried on the divorce and married him three years later, and I am now the happiest I have ever been in my entire life, hands down.

    • eek

      My ex knew we had problems. We did a separation two years prior to me finally leaving. I wanted to leave so badly, but really didn’t know how to do it. My mind was made up one day when I was outside cutting the grass and weed-eating (otherwise it never got done) and he was inside messing around on car forums, etc. Didn’t even say thank you or anything. He was a class-A jerk that took me for granted. He made my life so much harder; it took me a long time to accept divorce (the thought of telling family and friends, moving out, separating finances, the house, etc.) but once I did, it was the best decision I ever made for me. I will say, as much relief as it brought me, I felt like complete crap for quite a while for hurting another person so badly. During the day I was ok because I had distractions, but at night, I really felt like crap. This lasted for about 6 weeks. Looking back, I wish I’d had someone to talk to because I kept all those feelings to myself and I made things really hard on me. Finally, if you do go through with it, don’t make financial decisions out of guilt. I did and I ended up giving him money I didn’t have to for about 2 years after the split. I wouldn’t do that again.

      I didn’t have any kids, either. I just knew what I wanted. I knew he couldn’t change and I knew I couldn’t accept him. I didn’t want a loveless marriage and I knew there was more out there for me, even if it was being single forever. Also, I met a completely wonderful man and am happier than I ever thought I could be. He’s a keeper for sure.

      • a

        6 weeks of feeling bad is not so bad. My husband and I separated (after 12 years of dating marriage). It was 100% my decision. I felt suffocated and trapped. I was miserable all the time. The thing is, he wasn’t a bad person, or even a bad friend. Just not a good husband for me. I still feel bad (at night – I thought this was just me) and its been 4 years. We are friendly, but we live in different cities and rarely see each other. The sadness is not regret. I don’t regret it al all, I just feel bad to have hurt him.

        To the original poster, if you can and do imagine being without him, and that doesn’t seem intolerable or awful, it sounds like you should try a separation.

    • ***

      Leaving my ex husband was the best decision of my life, but it definitely took me some time to get there. The first two times I tried to leave, the 2% or 5% or whatever part of me that was unsure made me susceptible to pleas to stay. When I finally did leave, I was 99.9% sure, and I knew that I would rather be alone than be with him. I am fairly certain, though, that even if I had left earlier, before hitting 99.9%, I still would have had no second thoughts. In retrospect, with that much bad, the only thing keeping me in the relationship (really) was fear of how to get out of it. After the separation, I would of course remember good times, and I would feel sad that our relationship had deteriorated to the point it had. But not once did those memories cause me to second guess my decision. For what that’s worth …

    • Seattleite

      I divorced two years ago. My process took longer than anyone else I’ve known. Divorce was absolutely on the table for FOUR YEARS while we were in counseling. We were separated for just over a year before filing, and the divorce was final two years after separation. (I sat in limbo for so long because we have children and he wasn’t abusive/addicted/unfaithful.)

      It was horrible in limbo, but I have never once regretted the decision. I wasn’t *sure* until after we separated. But separating absolutely showed me how negatively the bad marriage was affecting me and the children. The mood and spirit in our house lifted immensely once he was gone.

      Please read, “Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay.” It doesn’t have an agenda for leaving or staying; it helps you decide what is important to you in a marriage. Reading this book is what gave me the courage to ask my children to move out.

      Hugs to you.

      • Seattleite

        My comment is in moderation, but when it shows up, you’ll see that I of course mean “ask my HUSBAND to move out.” I kept the children.

    • anon

      I divorced my husband of 8 years a couple of years ago, quite amicably as far as these things go. He was a nice guy but incredibly weak-willed and indecisive. We lost attraction to eachother and lived in a loveless marriage for years until it became just too much–we were either going to be miserable or cheat or get divorced. So we divorced.

      Even though it was a “friendly” divorce–no kids, no fights over assets, etc–it was still rough. I kept things together at work and all, but was kind of an emotional wreck otherwise for the first 6 mos or so. It’s a hard transition, even when it’s amicable. It’s now been about 2 years and I am doing much better, enjoying life, etc. I don’t regret the divorce.

    • Still trying to move on

      I got divorced a long time ago, when my ex told me he didn’t want to be married anymore. We were geographically separated at the time so it was a weird experience all around, and a pretty unusual one as far as divorces go, and I hated it. I eventually remarried, and am now in the process of going thru a second divorce – feeling like a failure. This time it’s my decision, but that hasn’t made it any easier. He loves me and I love him. But love isn’t enough, and I need more than what he can give me. Telling him the marriage was over was devastating for him, and incredibly painful for me. In my mind, it was an admission of failure and an act of selfishness. Like one of the other posters, I still feel absolutely terrible for hurting him like this. It has been tearing me up for months. We live apart now – I asked him to move out – and we e-mail and talk a few times a week and see each other every other week or so. No kids, but a dog. We saw a lawyer about a divorce, but I’ve never finished the paperwork and he certainly won’t do it. I know I need to get it done, but I’m still reluctant to open up old wounds for both of us. Why I worry about his emotions more than mine is bizarre. And the most ridiculous part is that I know that the only way to get to a happier place is for me to move on with the divorce. So I have only myself to blame for being in limbo. The whole thing is pitiful. It has certainly made me take a hard look at myself. I don’t like what I see, but letting the fear defeat me is not the answer. So every day for the past week I’ve been trying to repeat to myself that I am strong and brave and worthy, and I have a right to make my own decisions about my life. Maybe if I do this enough, I’ll start believing it and put it into action.

    • OP

      thank you all so much for sharing your perspectives. I think we are at the point where we need to try some serious counseling or separation or both to see whether this gets better or gets worse. The thing is, I don’t want to divorce him but our fighting and issues are getting to the point where they make me feel like divorce is the only option to get out of this situation. We have talked about counseling but I don’t think we have given it a serious try because it’s been hard for us to admit that we need help. Even if we do divorce, I now have a more realistic picture of what to expect… I have read that most people who get divorced don’t regret it but it’s helpful to hear that the pain often stays for a while and that may be something I will need to be prepared for. Thank you all!

      • Still trying to move on

        OP – good luck. Giving counseling a serious try will be a great first step to figuring out what you want, for both of you. There’s a lot to sort out when a relationship gets out of balance, and having someone to guide you through the process, and keep you moving forward on a regular basis, whatever the outcome, will be invaluable. I really hope you find peace and happiness.

  13. S in Chicago

    Maybe it’s just how this blazer fits this particular model, but the sleeve length looks really awkward to me. A little bit longer would improve it 100 percent.

  14. lawsuited

    Update: I’M HIRED! I ended up taking the offer at the “no skirts” firm because I got a great read on the people and the compensation package is great.

    I’m going to celebrate by….buying pants!

  15. Nervous Job Seeker

    TJ – I’m in the process of job hunting and pulling my hair out with the whole process. I just got my master’s degree, which I did straight from undergrad, and the only job experience I have is through three internships. It seems every company wants “real” experience yet none will give you the chance to gain experience without having it first.

    So, my questions are the following. Anything to have in your cover letter or resume that will get a second look from the hiring manager? What questions should I prep for when I do get to the interview stage? I practiced the other day with my friend’s mom who’s in HR and failed miserably. But better to know from her now than fumble a real interview down the road. Any words of encouragement when the rejections get too much and discouraging thoughts are all that remain?

    Thanks in advance.

    • Walnut

      Last time I interviewed I found lists of interview questions online and wrote out my answers essay style. I practiced my interview questions in front of the mirror, in the shower, while I worked out (in my head, not out loud), and made everyone I knew read my resume and shoot me their best, “Tell me about a time you failed” question. Also check the HR websites of every place you’re apply to. One of my companies listed a specific 5 point format they wanted all interview responses in.

    • SF Bay Associate

      We had two”straight through” summer associates this year. One of them drove. me. crazy. Very smart, and a nice person, but his work was late, work was sloppy, didn’t seem to take work seriously, dressed immaturely, talked like he was in a bar or at the mall and not like a person at a real job – basically totally unprofessional. His family is wealthy and it was clear that he had never had to work a real job before, just a few internships he got through family connections. He was clueless. In contrast, another “straight through” summer was great – always on time, always meticulous, always focused, always earnest, courteous to staff, always prepared, articulate, always dressed appropriately. I don’t know where s/he learned to do these things since it wasn’t at a job, but it was great. Even though the second person was great, I’m loathe to hire another “straight through” ever again, to be honest – the first one should have learned the basics on how to be professional while flipping burgers or tending bar or folding clothes. Not my job.

      Are there ways you can demonstrate the qualities of my good summer associate? Babysitting while going to college full time? Managing a big charity project? A long-term leadership role in your house of worship/volunteer organization? Also, practice more with your friend’s mom.

    • rosie

      I’m sure you will continue to get great responses here, but you also might want to check out http://www.askamanager.org for lots of posts about job searching, including cover letter and resume tips. Also, do either your undergrad or grad schools have career centers that can give you resume advice, mock interviews, etc.?

      • ChinaRette

        Love Ask a Manager! Definitely recommend her blog–especially for people who are relatively new in the workplace. I read it daily.

    • lawsuited

      The easy part of job hunting is sending out resumes and doing interviews, the most difficult aspect by far is getting rejected and getting discouraged. You need to focus on positive self-talk so that you stay confident and ready to wow prospective employers. Know that it is that rejection happens to everyone during the job hunting process – it’s not because you’re not smart, well-qualified and generally awesome, so you can’t take it personally.

      It may take a while to find the right position, but you will not be unemployed forever. I believe in you!

    • Jennifer

      Make a LinkedIn profile and ask supervisors from your past internships for recommendations. Then include the LinkedIn profile address in the header of your resume (with other contact info).

      Otherwise, ask your friend’s mom for feedback and practice. Maybe she’ll go another round with you in a few weeks. Some college alumni associations, libraries, and civic career centers also have mock interview sessions.

      Finally, have you approached any former internship supervisors about returning to work for them? Or, have you considered doing a post-grad internship in the field/for a company for which you’d like to work?

      • zora

        I second asking your friend’s mom if she will help you a little more, with feedback and follow up rounds for you to implement the feedback. Maybe come up with a trade for her so it doesn’t feel like you’re just getting her time for free, like offer to clean her house, or do some home project, or cook her dinner. Something like that so you don’t feel guilty about just asking her to spend a bunch of time with you for free.

  16. financialfashionista

    Love! With my office being businses casual, I’m a big balzer fan. I agree with Kat that tipped can sometimes be hard to pull off, but the grey-on-grey is nice and seems like it would go with a lot of things.

    Anything is better than the poncho one of my coworkers is wearing today….. Yes, you read that right – a poncho at the office!!

  17. Anony

    Tips or good books to read for young people drawing their first salary? My fiance and I make a combined income of just under $100K, with myself making just over $50K. The only expenses we’ll be making are rent (right now, $1200), utilities, and my loan payments, which will be on an IBR plan. I have about $10K in savings right now. We’re both in our mid-20s.

    I was hoping to find just basic information about how much we should be saving, good investments for people our age, etc. Thanks!

      • JessC

        This. Love Dave Ramsey. If you don’t mind the Jesus-speak, he offers some very basic, very sound financial advise.

    • Walnut

      Start searching the PF blogosphere. I personally like Budgets are Sexy and Give Me Back My Five Bucks.

    • Divaliscious11

      Ugh…really don’t like Dave Ramsey! He has one or two points that make sense, but the rest….

      No ONE book will have all of the answers. Try reading multiple books from various people and then putting together a financial plan that works for your family.

      Here are a few – Suze Orman – Young, Broke and Fabulous; Smart Couples Finish Rich – David Bach; Automatic Millionaire – David Bach; read the Ramsey book too; Jean Chatzky – Not your Parents Money Book etc…

      • karenpadi

        I haven’t read David Ramsey but I agree with reading from many different sources and developing a personal investing philosophy. I figure I’m on track when I’m not worried about my “strategy”.

        I agree mostly with Vanguard’s investing philosophy (convenient, right?) and they give pretty solid generic advice on their site. I also refer to this book quite a bit (I bought it for a “Women and Investing” night class I took at the community adult education school):
        http://www.amazon.com/Womans-Guide-Investing-Virginia-Morris/dp/B001PO67ES/ref=pd_sim_b_2

        • Divaliscious11

          I love Vanguard! We have our non-retirement account investing – its for retirement but not IRA.

          On Ramsey – While I agree that one should have an e-fund (small/large), I completely disagree with his premise of paying off all debt before beginning to save for retirement (you simply can’t make up for the time value of money), that all debt is bad generally (debt is a lever/tool) and its almost never a good idea to pay off your home early unless you expect a significant drop in income.

  18. anon for this

    Has anyone had a colposcopy? My new OB/GYN is performing one this afternoon because of an abnormal pap smear and I’m spending my morning freaking myself out about it. It sounds awful online…

    • AEK

      Have had one for the same reason. It was as uncomfortable as a really uncomfortable pap, but it was a quick procedure. The best thing to do is try to relax (physically, if not mentally) so your muscles aren’t clenched. Breathe. Lie back and think of England, etc.
      Don’t be scared; it is definitely not “awful.”

    • Anon as well

      I’ve had one. It’s a little painful, you will have some cramping afterwards (like period cramps). Take tylenol or advil 1 hour beforehand. Mostly the actual procedure didn’t hurt, I could just feel a big cramp when they did it but it’s nothing that will make you cry or wince. Just take a deep breath and relax. I totally freaked out because I had to have them 2 years in a row, but then things cleared up and everything is fine.

    • Anon

      Yes, I’ve had one. My awesome doc told me not to freak out about horror stories on the interwebs because it really isn’t a big deal. She was absolutely right. It was about 5 seconds of uncomfortable, then over – much like a pap.

    • KinCA

      I’ve had one and everything turned out totally fine, so try not to worry. I remember how scary it can be though!

      My doctor told me to take 600 mg or whatever the max dose is of ibuprofen one hour before my appointment, which helped with the pain. But honestly, breathe, relax, and though it’s not exactly painless, it’s over quickly and not really that bad.

    • Sasha

      I had one and reading about it online beforehand was a HUGE mistake. It’s really not that bad. It’s not even as bad as getting your ears pierced – slight pain for 1 second.

    • Double Hoo

      Echoing everyone here — had one for the same reason as you, it was a tad uncomfortable, but no worse than a bad pap, and everything turned out fine. Good luck with yours!

    • zora

      what everyone else said: it’s not painful, you can def take some advil beforehand, but it’s more uncomfortable and annoying like a pap smear. Please try to stop freaking out, I remember when I was freaking out and it was awful. But it is really just a longer, more annoying pap smear.

      • Batgirl

        Second all of this! Also, don’t be shocked if several days after the colposcopy, you shed tissue down there–I was really worked up and my obgyn was like “oh that, yeah, that happens.”

    • gov anon

      I’ve had it done twice. I did have a lot of cramping but since it was scheduled late in the day I just went home instead of going back to work. The second time was uncomfortable but not really painful. Definitely make sure you take a dose of ibuprofen before and after the procedure.

  19. Anonforthis

    I have a coworker question…We recently hired someone who started at the end of July/beginning of August. She has been temping with our department for a year at that point and an opening came up. We interviewed 4 other candidates besides her, but settled on her. I don’t think this matters, but she’s in her mid-50s and this is her first full-time permanent job since the 1980s.

    My problem is that she’s not picking things up quickly. I’ve trained her on 2 of her different responsibilities (which aren’t that difficult), and she’s constantly asking me questions on things I’ve told her already 2-3 times. I’m frustrated because when I was training her I told her she should be writing down the steps to these things. I’ve also become her go-to person for questions, which is interrupting my work-flow. Most of the questions I tell her to defer to her boss as I’m not the person to ask. She also asks me questions at very inopportune times such as the second I’ve walked into the office and haven’t even put my purse down, or when I’m in the middle of eating lunch, or concentrating on a detail oriented task (I know she can’t predict this). I expected some transition time for her to get into the role, but I’m getting really annoyed. Maybe my tolerance needs to be higher. Anyways, any suggestions??

    • Herbie

      Set some boundaries and start saying no. If she comes at you when you haven’t even put your purse down, just tell her that you just walked in, need to get settled in, but that you’ll stop by to talk to her later. If you’re in the middle of something, just tell her that and let her know you’ll circle up with her when you’re done.

      Others can probably suggest a gentle way to do it, but you could also let your co-worker know that it’d be most efficient if she grouped her questions together once or twice a day instead of peppering you multiple times during the day.

      As for her not writing down the steps and then asking you questions. Perhaps you could say something to the effect of, “Why don’t you send me your notes on XYZ, and I’ll take a look at them to see if I can tell where you got off track”? When she says, “I don’t have notes,” look surprised and say, “Oh! Well, that’ll definitely help. If you send me an outline, it’ll make it easier for me to help you fill in the gaps.”

    • rosie

      Can you set up times to where she can ask whatever questions she has? I don’t know what frequency you would start with, but you could gradually cut back. That would be better for you, since you wouldn’t be getting constantly interrupted, and it might encourage her to figure out ways to do things on her own, rather than bringing everything to you–whether that means she sits down and thinks about the issue or writes it down when you tell her in your meeting so she knows for next time.

    • nona

      So, she’s been there about a month? Were her temping duties the same as what she’s doing now, or did she take on new tasks? Are her questions of the “I completely forgot everything you told me the first time, please explain it from the top again” variety, or the “I think I got everything but one part, I do X, Y, and Z, right?” variety?

      Are those responsibilities things that she does every day, or are they 2 of the 15 things she has to thing about the week. If it’s the latter, I think it could be totally fair to still be having questions 4 to 6 weeks in. You get so much stuff thrown at you when you start a new job that it can be hard to retain it all.

      That being said, it’s also totally appropriate to set boundaries on when you are open for answering questions, or redirecting her to another resource (her non-existent notes, another person, a written policy) for the information she’s looking for.

    • eastbaybanker

      I’m dealing with a similar situation with a consultant. Our worksplace is very sink or swim, and she’s expecting hand-holding and training I just don’t have time for. Furthermore, I figure as a consultant she is hired under the presumption that she can do the work without much guidance.

      I have managed the situation by telling her I have X deadline, but please email me her questions, and I will reply when I have a chance. I also plan to set up a weekly check-in time of about 30 minutes so she feels like she has some guidance, but I’m not being driven crazy.

      I have admitted to myself that if I actually liked this person, the interuptions would be more tolerable, but something about this person kind of grates me. So I am doing my best to be professional and a little more patient, in addition to setting some boundaries.

      • eastbaybanker

        Please excuse the typos. I jus dno’t spelll as goods as all you lawyerz. :-)

    • Anonforthis

      Thanks for the suggestions everyone. Unfortunately her questions are “I’ve completely forgotten everything you told me”. Also, a lot of the questions are basic stuff anyone working in an office, or living in the year 2012, should know. Like she called me over to her desk to ask how to insert a hyperlink into an email (seriously). I guess I’ll just encourage writing stuff down and being more diligent about setting boundaries…It just stinks because our team was functioning so great until a team member left and this new person came in.

      • zora

        the red flag for me is that she is asking you all these things and you are not her boss. So, does her boss know she is struggling so much? It seems like she is coming to you with these questions, specifically to avoid alerting her boss to her problems doing her job. I think you should stop answering her questions immediately and talk to her boss and make her/him deal with this. A few weeks is very short, but the fact that she is ‘completely forgetting everything’ she’s been told at 3-4 weeks is not good.

  20. buffybot

    Seriously, why do career centers at law schools tell poor 2Ls to put an “interests and hobbies” section on their resumes? Save for a chance that you might come across someone with a similar sports affiliation, there seems to be no upside. You either come off as totally bland (running, cooking, reading fiction) or a pretentious glassbowl (Harvard Club, the works of James Joyce, etc. Yes, I can see that you went to that school, it’s already on your resume)

    Or is this just me worrying that if I honestly answered that section myself, it would say something like: “ABC Family Shows, guacamole, and internet snark”?

    (I would totally hire someone who wrote something like that, btw…would you?)

    • JK

      holy S. I just submitted a job app with almost those exact interests. Running, cooking, traveling. :(

      For what it’s worth, it’s true?!

      • KLG

        Definitely don’t worry. Just be prepared to answer questions about whether you’ve run any races lately, what you enjoy cooking or restaurants you like, and where you have traveled and would like to travel.

        I personally like to ask interviewees about their hobbies because people tend to relax when you ask them “easy” questions like that and I feel like I can get a better sense of the person. While seeing “running, cooking, traveling” wouldn’t leap out at me from your resume, if I’m actually interviewing you your answers to the above questions may make you stand out in my mind.

      • buffybot

        I wouldn’t worry about it, bland is certainly preferable to the alternative!

    • Em

      Yeah, my career services center told us to do this and at the time, I scrounged up some interests to list. (Let’s be honest – ABC Family Shows, guacamole, and internet snark would have been a more accurate list.) Now that I’ve reviewed law student resumes, however, I’m retroactively cringing at my former self because, I agree, there’s basically no way to do it without sounding boring, douchey, or pretentious. And you really don’t need a potential employer cause to wonder “Is he going to judge me for my reading tastes?” or “Is she going to be one of those people who can’t talk about anything other than Crossfit?”

    • Sydney Bristow

      I don’t have it on my resume, but I did see a friend’s resume that included the section and it definitely worked for her. She rides the AIDS Lifecycle (600-mile, 7-day bike ride) every year and trains people for it as well. I don’t remember how it was phrased, but it was a great peek into who she was and was unique/interesting and I think it set her apart from people with similar education and experience. I guess I personally think that it could work if the interest is unique, especially if it shows some skills (like the ability to train others) that you don’t otherwise have through work experience.

      • SoCalAtty

        AIDS Lifecycle!! I may be doing this next year. I was supposed to do it this year but my cycling partner got pregnant and I started at a new firm. I put things like that on my resume as well – cycling, equestrian, and backpacking. For one thing, I like employers to know that I have a life outside of work – and I will work really, REALLY hard for you but in turn I expect to be able to take off a little early on a Friday if I’ve worked late all week to actually head for the hills or go ride my horse. That has turned out to be a great tactic, because now when I go ride no one is suprised or has an issue with it. It is tricky – you have to have something on there that is unique.

    • MissJackson

      I actually like that section of the resume, particularly for the folks who are still in law school and have “room” on their resume for it. Fit is pretty important, and that section usually gives me a hint as to what they are really like as a person, as well as a jumping off point for a topic of conversation.

      And I would absolutely hire someone who listed ABC Family Shows, guacamole, and internet snark as “interests”!

    • Herbie

      Hey! Don’t call those of us who are into cooking bland! RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE.

      And if I had that section on my resume, it would read: Beer, trashy reality TV, beer, YouTube videos of animals, beer, ALL THE FOOD, beer.

    • KK

      Yeah, this is a hit or miss thing I think. Some employers like it, others have the same reaction you did. When I was a law clerk, we sorted through resumes for the following year’s clerkship and spent a lot of time mocking these sections. I agree with you completely- I’ve only seen one or two that I thought added value, out of a stack of 50 resumes. Also, of the 50 resumes, approximately 30 people listed “marathons” as an interest/hobby, and about 70% of those also listed “Traveling and cooking” as hobbies.

      So I guess my two cents is that if all you can come up with is running, traveling, photography, and cooking, don’t bother. I’ll just assume you do those things, like 90% of the other yuppies applying. But if you have a unique hobby that you’re really into, it might be worth listing just to make your resume more memorable.

    • SpaceMountain

      I worked for an office once that was really into its summer softball league. If you happened to have “playing softball” or something similar in your interests section, it might get you a second glance that you wouldn’t get otherwise. Not saying they hired only softball players, but it certainly wouldn’t hurt. I’ve heard of judges scheduling interviews for clerkships because someone has the same hobby as the judge. Another place I worked had a big lunch-time running group, so a runner might get an extra glance because of the idea that the person might fit into office culture.

    • Senior Attorney

      I agree that it’s tricky. But I have always found that listing “tap dancing” in the “interests” section of my resume (or bio when I’m giving a talk or whatever) is a great icebreaker. You just have to find the sweet spot between totally bland and obnoxiously pretentious.

      Back in the early days of the internet, I listed “debunking urban legends,” and that was fun too.

    • Former MidLevel

      I’m with you – I always discourage students from including an “interests” line.

    • Divaliscious11

      From a student resume – I like this section – gives me some insight into who you are outside of school, especially if you have gone straight through from undergrad. After a few years working, I don’t care so much, but I may ask in the interview, because then I not just asking about skill set, but I am trying to figure out if you would “fit” into the department. If I have to spend 10-12 hours a day with you, I hope you are in interesting person….

    • Gail the Goldfish

      I had that section when I was in law school because there was space. Once I had actual relevant work experience, it was the first thing to go. Though I think it was under an “additional information” section that also included previous job positions not related to law. Previous position that got the most questions in interviews–assistant confectioner. (Yes, I know how to make delicious chocolate truffles, please hire me!)

      • Divaliscious11

        No lie, I had this section as I worked several years before law school. My entire second interview with BigLaw, except for the lunch, was 101 questions about prior job…..

        And yes, I went to that firm after my clerkship….

    • karenpadi

      I agree as someone who is phone-screening an “Eagle Scout” later today, I just didn’t want to know that about him. Now I must be objective about his skills and expertise without questioning his judgment including this affiliation in his resume after all the horrible news stories about this organization and applying to firms in a very-Blue part of the country.

      Note: I am the daughter, granddaughter, and ex-girlfriend (3 times over) of Eagle Scouts.

    • baylaw

      As a student I had interviewers who only asked questions about my interests (and I did get offers so it wasn’t like they were just trying to pass the time). So I can see why my career center told me to include that section. I haven’t had an interview since then though so don’t know what it’s like for non-student applicants. Also, my interests weren’t bland. Not so much now that I spend so much freaking free time on the internet though…:(

    • CJ

      I agree and hate it. My hobbies are rather Becky Home-Ec-y and my activities reveal my religious affiliation. Based on that, there are 2 assumptions: 1) you are leaving to be a stay at home mom ASAP and 2) You are probably writing in Rick Santorum for president. Neither of those are true. So, my option is lie and say I enjoy cooking, hiking, reading when what I mean is re-heating takeout, driving to a mountain and looking out the window, and US Weekly. Then, answer questions about what I like to cook or where I have hiked vaguely. OR, leave it out.

      I do think it is useful to the awkward or inexperienced interviewer.
      If you are looking for “fit” I think personality matters more than hobbies/interests. Even if we are both avid runners, we could still hate each other and run very differently for different reasons.

  22. J.Crew advice

    Can anyone give insight about whether the Tippi sweater will work for ladies with long torsos?

    • Iris

      I have a long torso and an hourglass shape, and I don’t like the Tippi on me at all. It’s cut short and wide, so it just makes me look heavy. I had much better luck with the Betsy sweater last year, but I haven’t seen a new version of that one yet.

      • Midwest

        That’s exactly what I was afraid of. Boxy cuts are horrid on me; I think I’ll pass.

    • dancinglonghorn

      I actually have a long torso and a 32DDD bust and am a textbook hourglass and I love the Tippi sweater on me. Its the only crewneck sweater I’ve ever found that doesn’t make me look like b**berella. I buy one size smaller than usual.

      I think the only way to find out is to go to the store, try it, and try different sizes. I think the Jcrew sizing is very large on their sweaters.

      • SoHo

        Are you me? I have the exact same proportions and love the Tippi too! I also order it a size down from normal, J. Crew has gone pretty nuts with their vanity sizing.

        I think since the fabric is so thin, it also works tucked in (I’ll wear it under a high-waisted skirt with a skinny belt over the skirt waistband).

      • Crewlady

        I am very tall and thin with a long torso and hourglass shape and love the tippi. I have 3 of them and probably will buy more. They are a great length with dress pants and they drape nicely. I don’t quite like them as much with lower cut pants (like some of my lower rise jeans), but otherwise they are great. I just got the ivory one with the little black bows/dots a la Katie Holmes and it is my favorite!

  23. tika55

    I am a new mom, and my job is stressing me out. I do work from home, and my hours are usually pretty reliably 9-5. The downside is that eventually I will have to start traveling again, and I am on call every weekend. Since my husband travels and the weekend is our only family time, this is really not working for me. I love having the flexibility to work from home, so I want to try to keep that. Can anyone share any creative ideas that you have had for scaling back your career with kids? I do still want to work, but my ideal schedule would be something like 30 hours a week. I’m not looking for specific advice, since I know that is job-specific….rather, I’d love to hear your story if you have done this!

    • IA_Eng

      How new of a mom are you/how long have you been back at work? It can take a while to get back into a groove. Also, do you have any help around the house? (I have a person that comes 2x a week for a couple hours each time and will do dishes, laundry, and general cleaning which goes a long way to helping me feel like things are under control).

      If you still feel like you need to cut back (which I totally understand since the idea of asking for an 80% schedule is sounding more and more appealing to me) could you ask for a reduced schedule in your current role, or if that wouldn’t work maybe try to switch to a different role at the same company. Or there’s always the consultant route. There’s one “mom blog” I came across where the author started working for herself as consultant once she had kids and makes enough for her husband not to work while she takes summers off herself.

      I’m definitely curious to hear what over folks have to say.

      • tika55

        Well, pretty new…I have been back at work for about 4 months. I was part-time for the first month or so, and full time since then. We did move and switch daycares during that time, so maybe it’s just taking a little longer to get into the groove. Still, I feel like I’ve given it a while and it’s not feeling any better. I do have a cleaning person who comes every two weeks. Maybe I need to look into having someone help with laundry and dishes!

        • IA_Eng

          Hmm, 4 months isn’t insignificant although I’ve seen some folks say to give it a year. Moving with a small baby definitely sounds stressful as well.

          But if this is something you’re feeling strongly and it doesn’t seem to be improving at all, then maybe you do need to make a change sooner rather than later. Is there something in particular about your job that stresses you (travelling, being on call over the weekend), or is just the amount of time working in general? How much do you like your job otherwise? If you like your job otherwise, and it’s just a specific element that’s really bothering you, could you work with your manager to come up with a solution (maybe rather than being on call during the weekend you take holiday/vacation coverage for everyone else, etc)?

          Or if it’s the total hours that are the issue, propose a reduced schedule. It’s always helpful to come in to the discussion with a proposal that covers all the points your boss might be concerned about. If the reduced schedule won’t work in your current role, is there a different role with your current employer you could move into.

          If neither of these things work, then you’ll need to look outside your current company but as a new employee it will probably be more difficult to get a work from home or PT arrangement right off the bat which is why it seems like a lot of moms turn towards self-employment.

          Hang in there – you’ll get the right option figured out for you and your family.

    • L

      The only thing I can respond with is what an a**hole. I also clicked a few of links to his other articles and what I’m most amazed about is he found someone who was willing to put up with his condescending attitude. Jesus.

    • KK

      I’m actually somewhat curious to see what he recommends for women who want to succeed in Biglaw, which is apparently the topic of a future post. I just wonder what the male perspective on that would be.

      This particular article was just a bunch of stereotypes, poorly thought out. For instance, why is a woman who goes to law school at 22 “off the market” for those years? That makes no sense. So many of my law school classmates met and married during or immediately after law school. It’s actually a fantastic place to meet future mates because there is a high concentration of appropriately aged, single, and similarly minded men. I’m completely ignoring his peak-attractiveness-at-22 hypothesis.

      But he’s not wrong that the traditional Biglaw career path is difficult to reconcile with the “traditional” marriage and motherhood path. Nothing new or groundbreaking about that assertion.

    • Anonymous

      I dunno, pusing 30 in biglaw here . . . I kind of agree. Does that make me anti-feminist?

      • Herbie

        It was more the statements about there being no excuse for a woman to ever look anything less than impeccable with perfect hair, makeup, and clothes that really got me. So arrogant, unrealistic, and a reflection of really rigid gender stereotypes. And I can’t put my finger on it, but it feels like there’s some underlying attitude here that a woman should always be on the prowl for a potential suitor. Men can go to work and just worry about work, but women? Finding a man is your #1 priority, ladies, so just remember you’re at work to work AND find a sexual partner!

        And the comments about women who stay in the game (high testosterone????), and how women become so desperate they engage in “cheap office flings.” O RILLY? Why does it sound like he’s suggesting only desperate women with shriveling uterii have office flings?

        And of course, this is all a very heterosexual discussion, so what about the LGBT ladies in law?

        I also don’t like the “Not BigLaw’s problem, ladies!” attitude. Simply shrugging your privileged white male shoulders (yes, making some assumptions about Anonymous Partner) and saying, “That’s the way this $hitty system is, so y’all are just gonna have to work within its disparate-impacting framework!” is a total cop-out.

        • long-time lurker

          LOL I am almost 40, no kids, stayed in the game, and I guess I’m that high testosterone scary type to be pitied by this guy. No office flings though because despite all this and despite the fact that I don’t look perfect at all times I found someone to marry me.

          I have to laugh or I’d cry. I know all men don’t feel this way – certainly I work with many nice guys who have treated me with nothing but respect and admiration – but it does bug me that there are apparently men out there that are thinking about me on those terms. Instead of, you know, as a fellow lawyer and human being.

      • karenpadi

        I kind of agree with you too. Not in BigLaw but pretty bummed about how hard it is to get a decent date at 32 in an area of the country where men outnumber women. I think he’s at least honest.

        My favorite part was:
        (As an aside: If you are 35, a male partner in Biglaw, in reasonable health, and can’t get dates, you likely need professional help. I would start with a trainer, a good therapist, and getting your own apartment. You can afford all these measures, and should take them immediately. If you don’t, and if you are currently pending all your time bossing associates around at the office, we will likely be reading about something crazy you did here on ATL sometime soon.)

        • ha

          The guy’s ego is incredible. That part about male partners easily being able to get dates was hilarious to me, particularly since he wrote female partners were limited to dating goldiggers or crazies. I’m pretty sure none of my good looking, sane, not money hungry female friends would date any of the big law partners in my office.

    • Divaliscious11

      Meh… some truths, a lot of falsehood, one dudes opinion…. shared by many to be sure, but Not worth the energy of getting up in arms…

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Just skimmed but I can’t imagine his next article about how the increasing number of female in-house counsel is effecting his ability as a partner to bring in business. If imagine it will be about how he isn’t comfortable schmoozing with a female lest he be tagged as flirting. How dinner w/ her would be inappropriate and how he can’t take her to golf. Whatever will he do? I also cringed at the line about how biglaw doesn’t care about your biological clock, nor should it.

      While I’m in the less likely to have kids camp, I’m really taken aback by his blunt view that if you decide to have kids you aren’t giving your all to the firm. This brings us back to the idea of what about the guy who goes out for a few weeks for surgery? Why is that acceptable and taking a few weeks for maternity leave isnt?

      • Susan

        I just think he’s an idiot who was affronted (and affrighted) by the smart women in his lawschool class, so he was too intimidated to date them. Much easier for him to write them off as “off the market.”

        Also, with more women lawyers, he can’t just fall back on his default entertaining option: oversized mediocre but overpriced steak followed by a visit to the strip club, so he’s p!ssy about it.

        • Seventh Sister

          I’m with Susan on this one, though I have to say that as I get older, I find I have less and less interest in what other people are actually thinking.

          If this guy works with me / works with my husband/ lives in my neighborhood / goes to my church / has a kid at my kid’s school / buys milk at the same Trader Joe’s, I just want him to smile and nod and go about his business so I don’t have to listen to his half-baked ideas about How the Whole Entire World Works All the Time According to Him.

    • TBK

      Some stuff is a little overstated, but I don’t know it it’s completely wrong (except I agree with KK re 22 at law school — um, like half my section married each other). As for priorities, I think he figures most people want to get married and have kids eventually but that, for guys, being in big law isn’t really a hinderance (so they can just go to work and worry about work) but for women, it can be a challenge. There’s still sexism in law firms, sure, but I do think there’s a good amount of attrition around the time associates turn 30 because they’re having trouble reconciling family life with firm life. Firm life (for some practices) can and should change, and men can take a greater interest in family life (which can make big law a challenge) but it’s still a problem. I was talking recently with the head of my department at my old firm and he was complaining that he keeps losing all his most valuable female associates because they want babies. He said he tries to be flexible but “the work’s the work.” (We did complex litigation.) Whether you really have to pull all-nighters to do the work he does (and I did) may be debatable, but in this environment, clients do. not. want to hear that something can’t get done until tomorrow because the associate in charge of that works part time.

    • why not

      Don’t click on the link for “cheap office flings” if you don’t want to be absolutely horrified.

  25. Seattleite

    Threadjack that will forever remove any doubt as to what a dork I am –

    You guys, Fathom Events is sponsoring a one-night only showing of “Singing in the Rain” at a theater (hopefully) near you. I have rounded up a pack up girlfriends and am so excited that I drove to the theater to buy tickets when the online purchase option didn’t work.

    SINGING DANCING ROMANTIC COMEDY GOLD.

    GO GO GO GO. fathomevents DOT com

    • Coalea

      I love, love, love that movie! I have probably seen it over 25 times but haven’t watched it in a few years. Might have to fire up the old VCR when I get home!!!

    • LawDawg

      Not only is that a great movie, but it’s a wonderful family movie. When my son was three, it was his favorite. He still loves it, but at 13 doesn’t ask to watch it as often. For those of you with wee ones, watch “Singing in the Rain” with your kids instead of bad children’s movies. It will make both of you happy!

    • zora

      DAMMIT! :o( They did this in July, and i had a meeting that night and had to miss it, now they are doing it again…. and i have *another* stupid meeting! :o( Sad Retroactive Baby Panda. … well, someone go and enjoy it for me!!

  26. EJ

    Warning- I bought this blazer and I’m returning it. It’s cute and fits well, but it is not lined so the sleeves are itchy.

  27. Senior Attorney

    That’s a great jacket but my arms are always too short for the sleeves, and I hate to lose the piping on the sleeves and also hate to pay for the complicated (if it’s even possible) alteration job to preserve it.

    Travel threadjack: Mr. Senior Attorney and I are going to be spending 3 days and 4 nights in Osaka, Japan, in December, visiting our son the Marine. We also may be spending a night or two near his base in Iwakuni, to the south. We have never been to Japan and are looking for recommendations for hotels in Osaka and Iwakuni, as well as any other places to eat/see/experience in those cities. We don’t want to totally break the bank but we don’t need super budget accommodations. Also, any tips on traveling in Japan would be super appreciated.

    Thanks in advance for any input!

    • Motoko Kusanagi

      No tips (never been) but thank you to your son for his service and to you and Mr. Senior Attorney for standing proudly behind him!

      • eek

        So excited that you get to see your son! I hope he’s having a good tour (my Marine SO is halfway through his deployment).

        People that read this site are so well-traveled so I hope you get some good advice. I used to work with a guy that was mega into anime and would plan trips to Japan a few times a year. Do you know anyone like that? He took planning the trips very, very, very seriously.

        • Senior Attorney

          Thank you all! That is so kind! eek, I hope your Marine stays safe!

          • eek

            Thank you! He is, as are his Marines. Only one bad injury, a broken back from a vehicle rollover.

    • Tuesday

      Osaka-jo is the local castle, and it’s nice to tour the building and the grounds. I thought the aquarium was pretty nice, but I was last there about 15 years ago, so YMMV. Osaka is not too far from Kyoto, which is gorgeous.

      In terms of getting around, get someone at your hotel to write down the hotel name and address in kanji, and carry that with you to show cab drivers. Re cabs — you never ever touch the door. They have a remote-control lever that they use. Don’t mess with their system.

      Don’t expect addresses to make sense — they’re assigned as buildings go up, so #3 might be next door to #286.

      Learn a few phrases — no one will expect you to speak Japanese, but if you can greet and say thank you, they’ll appreciate it.

      If someone gives you a business card, take it with both hands and then read it. Maybe a couple of times. If you just put it in your purse/pocket, you’ll insult the person who gave it to you.

      Many restaurants have plastic food exemplars of what’s on the menu. It’s absolutely kosher to point out what you want.

      Enjoy your trip!

      • Gail the Goldfish

        I haven’t been to Osaka, but I have been to Kyoto, which was very nice and I highly recommend. I’m not sure how far Nara is from Osaka, but I think close enough that it could be a day trip. That was also interesting (it has a very large Buddhist temple and other temples. And these very cute little deer that will wander up and beg for food). Between those two cities, if you only have time for one, definitely go to Kyoto.

    • InfoGeek

      There’s not such a thing as a quick purchase in Japan. Purchases are carefully wrapped and it usually takes time, so you need to allow for it.

    • NM

      Osaka! Aaaah, I miss it. I lived there for a year.

      Visit Umeda for some fun shopping, a big ferris wheel, and in general a fun sort of downtown place.

      Visit Nampa as well, as it’s the other famous spot with all kinds of random, famous landmarks for Osaka.

      Osaka-jo (Osaka castle) is lovely.

      The trains and subway are all super easy to use, most of them have some English lettering. People will go out of their way to help you if you ever need it, as well, so don’t hesitate to try to ask for help if you are lost. (Taxis are very friendly as well, but they are quite expensive in Japan.)

      Kyoto is a short train ride away (a few minutes on the bullet train/shinkansen, and maybe 40 minutes or so by local trains) and a great place to visit! Lots of beautiful temples.

      Nara is about as far away as Kyoto, and also a great place to visit. Again, lots of shrines and temples, and Nara is famous for all the deer that wander around. Literally. There are tons of them, and they just mosey around constantly, not afraid of people.

      The Hilton hotels in Japan tend to be nice, so if you’re looking for a well-known chain like that, you’d be comfortable there.

      Try takoyaki, it’s a famous, delicious Japanese dish, and Osaka is known for making the best. (Cooked octopus is involved, but only a tiny piece, but if you hate octopus, well, maybe don’t try it.)

      I would tell you other food to try, but this could get long-winded, so I’ll refrain. If you have specific questions, feel free to let me know!

      • Senior Attorney

        Thanks so much! I am printing this out for sure! Hubby has Hilton points, so that may be the way to go!

        • New poster

          Hope you are still reading this…the best recommendation I got when I went to Japan was to spend one night in a ryokan. They are extremely traditional hotels (more like a small inn, actually), where usually there are just a few people working there, who will do everything from greeting you at arrival to making and serving your dinner and breakfast and making up your bed for you. It is a really special experience, pretty expensive, but well worth it. Also, don’t pass up the option to have the dinner in the inn–the food will be great and it’s a very neat experience the way it is served in multiple courses in your room. If you do go to Kyoto, I would highly recommend the one I stayed in, the Shiraume. It is right in the middle of Gion, the old geisha quarter, so you can walk to a lot of the sightseeing options.

          • Judge anon for this

            Still reading, and thanks for the tip! I have heard of ryokans but hadn’t thought of one in connection with this trip. Will definitely look into it! Although we will probably stay at the Marriott if we go to Kyoto because Mr. Senior Attorney has, like, a bazillion Marriott points and it would be free! Sadly, no Marriott in Osaka so maybe we will find a ryokan there!

            And NM — we lurve us some octopus! ;)

  28. anon

    Am I the only one who hates when a friend goes to reschedule plans you made previously with them because “other friends want to see/talk/hang out with me”? I’m all for being flexible but it really rubs me the wrong way that they see me as less important. Grr!!! Okay, rant over. Now not to cancel on them entirely…

    • Walnut

      First, are you sure it’s worth rescheduling? Second, is this friend also the type to text/FB/mess around on their phone while you’re together?

      I have this type of friend. I only agree to hang out at my house, because if they’re going to bail, then I’m already home and if they start a texting conversation, then I’m going to do some dishes.

      • K...in transition

        good for you, Walnut! I’d say that a friend who does that is rude, a friend who says that is a jerk, and you, Darling anon, deserve better!

      • Susan

        These are the types of friends who eventually get dropped by people and are clueless enough to throw their hands up and think it came out of the blue.

        I think of these “friends” as shrubbery- they’re nice at a distance, often more trouble than they’re worth, not likely to move closer, and needing to be pruned periodically.

    • anon

      um my friends dont do that to me ever. Unless its like, my other friend just got served with divorce papers so i really want to see her tonight if thats ok.

    • nona

      It is rude – your friend should really only cancel if something ‘worse’ comes up – sickness, death in the family, work – not if something better comes up. It also depends on the frequency of this occurring. If it’s a one time thing, and these are out of town friends from Alaska who only are able to visit once a decade, and you guys hang out once a month, i’d probably give the rescheduling friend a pass.

      But if you are frequently the “back up plan if nothing better comes up”, I’d go ahead and cancel these plans and tell your friend to contact you when they have time to hang out.

    • PollyD

      My eyes bugged out at that. I don’t know I’d be calling a person who did that to me a “friend” much longer. On the other hand, I’ve had plans with friends and sometimes they’ll say, Hey, so-and-so is free that night, she’d love to come to the movie/check out the restaurant or bar, and I think that’s fine. Despite being an introvert, I’m generally a more-the-merrier type when I do decide to socialize.

      From the point of view of my advanced years (44), I have to say I don’t know what society is coming to these days. These sorts of flaking on plans or refusing to make solid plans in case “something better” comes along seem to be happening more and more and I think it’s just terrible.

      • Always a NYer

        I’m 23 and agree 100%. I hate how flaky my generation seems to be. When friends won’t make solid plans because something might come up with their SO or someone else, I tell them to forget it and let me know when they are free. If they can’t make concrete plans with me when we both know we’re free, I’m not wasting time only to have them cancel on me at the last minute.

        With me, I moved three hours away from most of my friends so our plans are usually phone chats. I look forward to them and schedule in advance so I know there’s time to keep up with them. That said, I have one friend who will consistenty “forget” and make other plans that he informs me of when I call him. Maybe I’m a b*tch for my response but I’ve told him, on several occasions now, “Have fun with them, we’ll talk another time.” He’ll say that he has 15,20 minutes free to talk with me but I always say, “That’s okay, another time.” I really take it personally because it makes me feel like I’m not as important as the other friends who are closer and able to hang out in person.

  29. Tai

    OK, I am a blind law student looking for a nice tote for school/internships. Can you tell me which of the Kate Spade bags in the secret sale would be professional enough for these purposes?

    • Marilla

      The Wellesley Quinn is very classic, or the Victoria Falls Maryanne (I like the shape of this one better). I think the Wellesley Kingston or Wellesley Rachelle would also work but they come in brighter colours (not in law, so I don’t know what’s allowed).

      • ANON

        Any of the KS bags big enough to fit a redweld in? Or at least regular file folders?

    • TBK

      Okay, found it. I think any of the Wellesley models are good, although the Quinn is on the small side. I agree that the Victoria Falls Maryanne would work, too. I’m not sure about the colors for all of these, though. They’re all very bright — green, pink, orange. I think they could work, but aren’t quite as safe as a good neutral would be. The Portola Valley Shanna is nice — it’s on the big side, though — and comes in a nice neutral color called sidewalk.

  30. d

    Can we discuss the hilariousness of the Dogshaming tumblr? (kind of like when parents or judges make kids stand outside holding a sign that says, “I lie to my mom” or something, but with dogs next to signs descibing their misdeeds).

    I am mentally creating my dog’s “sign.” I also feel like much less of a screwup as a pet parent. common problems!

    • DC Jenny

      I made one of my dog, but I couldn’t figure out how to submit it to the Dogshaming Tumblr. I hate Tumblr! It’s so user-unfriendly. Anyway, I posted it on my own Tumblr because I still thought it was cute. I’m JennyDictatrix if anyone’s interested.

    • BLP

      I am sitting in my office, by myself, with tears rolling down my cheeks because I am laughing so hard at Dogshaming. Hope no one walks in!

  31. rosie

    Fabric question. I have a pair of pants from AT that are cotton/rayon/spandex and say dry clean only. I see another pair of AT pants is the same fabric blend and machine washable. Why? Will it be a sure disaster to wash my pants with my delicates (cold water, delicate cycle, woolite)?

    • nona

      Rayon can be unpredictable, and the difference btwn the two blends might be the ratio of rayon and cotton. It’s probably not a sure disaster, but could be potentially tricky. Typically it’s “dry clean” tags that are probably still washable at home, while “dry clean only” more of a sign that you should leave it to the professionals.

      • rosie

        Thanks. I will fully evaluate my particular pants when I am no longer wearing them (I was just info-gathering from the website).

  32. Anon

    I have been on the lookout for a black blazer and navy blazer and recently purchased two of Gap’s ponte knit Academy Blazers. One is black tipped with white and the other is navy tipped with black. I love the look of them and the machine-washability, but I also want something versatile and never considered the tipped edges would make them less so. Any thoughts on whether I should return and look for solid blazers or will the tipping look okay because it’s neutral colors?

  33. recent grad

    I’m looking for help from the hive. My sister is about to start her second year of college and she’s not really sure what type of career she wants to pursue post-college. She’s declared herself as a marketing major, but isn’t married to that idea right now. She kind of wanted something a bit more in the graphic arts, while still being practical. Can anyone recommend a book that I can point her to that might explain what certain careers actually end up being like in practice? For example, I think she’d be great in HR, but my explanation probably isn’t doing it justice at all. TIA!

    • TBK

      It’s not a book, but the Bureau of Labor Statistics’s Occupational Outlook Handbook can be a useful place to poke around and see what’s out there. I know when I was young, I just didn’t know all the different types of jobs that existed. Link to follow.

  34. HZ

    I may actually like this coat to hang it up in my closet at work for days I am cold. Not sure why, but I’m particularly cold after lunch everyday, it’s like my palms turn cold as well.

  35. OH CFO

    Between Rewards points and a dusty gift certificate, I just scored this in grey for $7.00. Yippee!

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