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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 445 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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Comments

  1. meara

    Yay weekend!

    So, BFF and I are meeting up in LA for Thanksgiving (we live on opposite sites of the country and wanted someplace vaguely warm). We each have some friends scattered around the city, but haven’t figured out where to stay–we’ll have a car (necessary!) but would love a place that has SOME fun (beach? stores? something) within walking distance. Any suggestions, either for neighborhood or particular hotels?

    • CN

      The beach is great, but I like the northeast neighborhoods like Silver Lake and Los Feliz. Here’s a lesser known LA hotel- it’s actually a guest house you can rent and be literally feet away from the amazing restaurants, shops and coffee houses of Silver Lake.
      http://sanbornhouse.com/

      • Usually lurks

        I live in this neighborhood. I’m not sure I would recommend it to tourists, although it’s a nice enough place to live, unless tourists just want to chill out. Not necessarily a lot of sightseeing here.

        • MelD

          I stayed with a friend in Los Feliz back in spring and had a fantastic time. We mostly stayed around that area and I enjoyed going to Griffith Park, walking around the little shops, etc. I preferred staying in that area to the more touristy areas.

          • btsbsc

            my recs: griffith observatory, getty center, huntington gardens, and venice beach

        • meara

          Yeah, we’re not necessarily planning to do much “sightseeing” (museums/amusement parks) more just hanging out together, possibly in fun places. But I don’t know the neighborhoods or where is “great location! now surrounded by more creepy empty office parks!” or “this is a cute neighborhood where there are no hotels” or whatever.

          • SoCal. Esq.

            I second Venice and will toss in Santa Monica (third street promenade has lots of shops and restaurants to linger in). The farmers’ market on 3rd & fairfax (mid-Wilshire?) is a good place to check out, but it probably wouldn’t make sense staying in that area although while you’re there you can also check out LACMA and the Beverly Center if you’re going to do any shopping at all.

          • spacegeek

            I live in S. CA–used to live in Venice for grad school, and now live west/north of the city. My recommendations: I work in Pasadena–which is a GREAT place for shopping and fun restaurants. If you want beach, I can’t say enough about Santa Monica!!

    • Alana

      Also check out Larchmont between 3rd and Melrose. It’s a cute shopping and dining strip that is kind of a secret. It’s not far from the Beverly Center and the Grove. If you enjoy city environs, downtown has a lot going on late into the night. The Edison (near 2nd and Main?) has amazing decor and a steam-punk vibe.

    • Anonymous

      Santa Monica – just what you’ve described – beach, shopping (both mall at 3rd St promenade and boutiques in north Montana area), lots of great restaurants. Not inexpensive. Other options – Venice, Manhattan Beach.

  2. Bonnie

    So before my post gets buried, who’s in for a DC meetup? It seems like it was a really small group. Are we DCites just shy?

      • eek

        I’m in. Weekdays are better, but am around here and there most weekends, apart from Columbus Day weekend (7-10 Oct).

      • Ellen

        I can come to DC if I get advance notice. The manageing partner wants me to go to meet with a prospetive new client in GREENBELT MD, and if I do, I can meet b/c it is kind of close by.

        When would we MEET, and where?

    • Bonnie

      Yay. I set up an email account for this meetup: dccorporette@yahoo.com
      Email me there if you’d like to get updates but I’ll also try to post here. How about October 18th or 19th? And ELLEN, now you HAVE to come.

      • Anonymous

        Funny but scary IRL… he probably would come to a meetup in whatever city he lives in, and lurk *literally*, watching and getting rocks off. Ick. Online= cute. IRL= no.

      • Ann

        I was so hoping that I could go to this. I leave on the 19th for my destination wedding. On the 18th I’ll probably be swamped getting ready. Can’t it be the week or weekend before? Oh well. I’ll send you an email to stay up to date just in case.

    • Ruby

      I’d like to meet you all, but it’s hard for me to be available on weeknights. So count me as a maybe.

  3. AnonInfinity

    There’s a little discussion about nail polish in the Weekly News post, but I thought I would post here for more opinions.

    Medium to dark gray in a medium-conservative law office? No court appearance, but lots of contacts with partners.

    Yea or Nay?

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I say yay, my husband says nay. I came home with a dark maroon – so dark almost black, and a dark gray and couldn’t decide which one to use. I never wear polish and this site talked about it so much I decided to try some fun kinds. His response – for work?? I said yes. And he said “well, obviously the red one is much more professional.”

      I ended up going with the dark maroon with a light gray stripe in the middle. It looked great! I had an emergency hearing come up while it was still on and I didn’t really worry about it.

      I agree with the others that wonder why reds were chosen as an okay color and others are seen as wild. I think gray is fine but I’m not sure about blues and greens.

    • Rural Juror

      Yea. I used to worry about this but eventually gave up and no one has ever noticed/commented on my nail polish. Now the only colour I avoid is black.

      • b23

        Agreed. I think it’s really not worth worrying about. Do people really notice, first of all, and second, judge you for, your nail polish? If so, they need to get over it. I wear orange, red, pink, blue, green, purple, brown, everything. I don’t like black, so that’s the one exception. I do, however, keep my nails very short and well-maintained, which makes a huge difference. Big law, federal appellate judicial clerk.

        • b23

          And gray, obviously. I actually think gray is extremely professional looking.

    • J

      I think it’s fine. And I’m actually of the opinion that a muted gray like that is *more* professional than some reds/pinks!

    • AEK

      Yay. The more I’m in court and other formal professional situations, the more I realize that if you’re asking this question, you’re probably presenting yourself just fine and showing you care about appearing professional. Hell, these days I admire anyone who manages nicely polished nails, no matter the color.

    • Anonymous

      Do these colors/rules also apply to younger people/associates who are just starting out or is it only okay for those with more experience?

    • eek

      Go for it! I think Chanel’s “Steel” looks fierce, but am too chicken to try it. Maybe I’ll keep toying with the idea and try it on in the store.

    • Anonymous

      Thanks for asking this question. I’m wearing a deep gray/purple this week and have been a little nervous about it. I never wear polish, but have taken a new interest in my nails. I think it is perfectly professional and stylish, but feel paranoid others are not in agreement.

    • RR

      Wearing dark gray right now in a similar medium-conservative office. No court appearances, but lots of contact with partners and client meetings. I haven’t felt weird about it at all, although I was worried I might. I usually do a dark red or berry.

    • jcb

      I say yea. I’m in biglaw, have worn both light and medium gray polish and felt fine about it. It’s a neutral! And agreed that it is more professional than some pinks/reds.

    • Erin (Ruby)

      I am wearing gray polish today and have been wearing it all week! It’s Sally Hansen Complete Manicure in Commander in Chic.

          • Backgrounder

            Wearing the CND shellac grey asphalt color right now. I like it…it’s different. Work in a less conservative consulting firm – minimal face to face contact with clients daily interaction w/ managing partners. No one notices my nails though.

  4. CN

    Love this jacket. If I could only wear one color for the rest of my life it would be camel. Bring on fall!

    • LawyrChk

      I love it too! It would definitely make weekday appearances in my business casual wardrobe. Unfortunately JCrew is not cut for me (too narrow through the arms, too short through the torso).

    • Divaliscious11

      Love camel with rich Chocolate browns! I scored an amazing Burberry knee length military style camel coat from the outlet in NoVa, and when I wear it with a pair of choc brown suede boots I got a few seasons ago, I always feel fab and am secretly looking for Scott from the Sartorialist to take my picture! LOL!!!

  5. Anonymous

    What kind of relationship do you have with your mom? I basically transform from a mom/attorney to hormonal teenager whenever I’m around her and can’t really have a conversation with her about anything and everything she says annoys me. It’s become worse lately because I don’t approve of the way she’s leading her life (she refuses to take her prescription medication which has caused her to gain a TON of weight to the point she can’t walk up a flight of stairs or pick up her baby grandson. She also sleeps all the time and has been in a couple car accidents after falling asleep behind the wheel) and she won’t listen to me when I try to talk to her about it. I feel like I’m missing out on something by not having a good relationship with her, especially now that I have my own kids. I’m so frustrated, mad and sad all at the same time. Thanks for listening….

    • Anonymous

      LOL! My morning taking mom around:
      3:30 am telemarketer call, slept through the alarm I set because I was taking my mom to the dentist, woke up when my mother called to say “where are you?” (#%^&*!!), got a parking ticket while there (she has a handicap permit! WTH?!), went to the courthouse to get a court date , took my mom to redo her driver’s license (what a h`ll, oh my goodness).
      Anyway, You just do what YOU need to so that YOU can look back and be OK with it. Seriously. No need for heroics.

      • CEW

        “Anyway, You just do what YOU need to so that YOU can look back and be OK with it. Seriously. No need for heroics.”

        This. I struggle with my mom too and having the attitude described in the sentences above has helped me TREMENDOUSLY.

      • Anonymous for this

        I have no relationship whatsoever with my mother. Granted, I’m probably an extreme example, but I had to completely cut off all contact with her about 7 years ago for my own mental health. Although I ocassionaly struggle with it, it really has been the best decision for me. “You just do what you need to so that you can look back and be ok with it” is the best advice.

        I’m very lucky to have a very close relationship with my dad and stepmom, which does make it easier for me.

    • Reg Poster, Anon Here

      I agree with the advice so far, and I wish that I had something to add. Your situation sounds like it must be very stressful!

      You asked what kind of relationship we all have. Mine’s difficult and very frustrating at times. First, we have very little in common. My mom’s pretty much always been a homemaker, and I have absolutely nothing against that at all, but it’s just never been my sort of thing. She never really understood why I wanted to have high acheivment when I was in school (I specifically remember expressing distress over the idea of a “C”, and my mom responding “What’s wrong with a C, it’s average.” And she certainly never understood why I would want to go to college or law school. So, when it comes down to it, we really don’t have much to talk about. I really dread having to make conversation with her one on one- it’s always full of long pauses while we try to think of *something* to say. What do you people talk about with your moms? I’ve always been amazed with people who talk to them every day- I can barely manage every 2 weeks.

      Also, my mom has, over the past 10 years or so, developed this really bad, negative attitude. It seems like she hates everything- you mention a food, she doesn’t like it, you mention a store, she doesn’t like it; you mention something that you like, well, that’s the best thing in the world. My brother and his wife just found a restaurant that they really like, and were joking that they should try reverse psychology on her- say how terrible it is, and then she will want to go there. Brother and I agree that it doesn’t seem like she was like that when we were young. Again, it makes it really hard to talk to her. So, I don’t know, it’s a pain. When brother and I were teens, we would stay up late on weekends and play a board game with her and laugh our butts off- I can’t imagine doing that now at all.

      There are a lot of worse situations out there, but it’s frustrating to deal with. Husband and I want to have kids soon, which she’s been pushing for a while (not that that’s why we’re wanting to, of course), and I know that she’ll be a big help and dote on them (she loves little kids), but I know that she’s going to be a real pain about it, too, and, to tell you the truth, I don’t look forward to having to spend that much more time with her.

    • K

      Although you can’t control your mom’s choices, you may consider letting her know that you will be contacting the authorities or her doctor related to her falling asleep behind the wheel. It’s one thing for her to choose a path that causes her to gain weight, it’s another for her to risk your family and my family and everyone’s family as she drives along falling asleep.

      Perhaps, if you can afford it, invite her to some family therapy sessions? If that won’t work, have some of your own… you sound like you could use some guidance either accepting your mom or accepting that she won’t be who you need in your life.

    • Little Lurker

      If you just want empathy, no advice, check a couple of the recent threads.

      I think we talked about this last Monday or something.

    • Amelia

      I have a pretty good relationship with my mom from afar and as long as there are adequate boundaries. Otherwise, we are at odds often (though we never have true fights, just passive aggressive back and forths).

    • also anon

      I have a strained, difficult relationship with my mother, if you can even call it a relationship. She blatantly favored my little brother when we were growing up (noticed by all relatives), so I got the message as soon as he was born that I could not rely on or trust her. She is selfish, obsessed with social appearance and standing, categorically never wrong, and still to this day coddles my brother and is only superficially interested in me. She’s so fake it makes me ill, yet I know that she actually does love me. She just has no idea how to show it and can’t understand why we don’t have a good relationship (because of course she never did anything wrong). I pointed out once that our relationship was strained and she seemed genuinely shocked.

      Then again, maybe I should thank her. My relentless drive to get away from and not be like her led to me pushing myself hard in school, in college, and in law school, leading me to a big firm job where I will never have to rely on her for anything ever again.

      I live 30 minutes away and see her maybe once every few months in a awkward, uncomfortable encounter that I only agree to because I feel like I should.

      I also feel frustrated and sad at times. I’m planning my wedding (yay) but have not involved her at all. I know she would not contribute in a positive way (offering her opinions, rejecting mine, explaining how she is right), but I am wistful that I don’t have that mother-bride experience that many women seem to enjoy. We ARE missing out, Anonymous, but what we’re missing out on is a happy mother-daughter relationship which simply is not available to us.

      BTW, not that you should or can do anything about it, but it kinda seems to me like your mom is depressed.

      • S

        A few people posting here seem to have strained relationships with their moms (and I totally sympathize) but I’ll post just to add a slightly different perspective. As I’ve grown older, I’ve been disappointed at times because my mom doesn’t really know how to support me through difficult experiences. For example, if I tell her about a problem I’m having at work, she doesn’t reassure me, she just changes the subject.

        But you know, there are good moments too. I just went on a walk with her the other day and we had a great conversation, and it made me realize there is so much going on in her life that I haven’t been clued in on. Hearing about her current projects made me proud to have her as my mom and yearning to get to know her more.

        So it’s a mixed bag in some ways, but if you can find some activity that actually fosters connection and conversation (for me and my mom that’s going on walks together) you might find some glimmers of hope here and there. Good luck to you!

        • Anonymous

          This. I have definitely learned not to depend on my mother for support when things are less than perfect. (She once asked me, at the lowest point in my life, “Don’t you have a friend you can talk to about this?”) And she is pretty judgmental, so I schedule our visits at times and places that allow me to put my best self forward.
          On the other hand, it has been interesting to get to know her better as I’ve gotten older, and it is nice to find that there are activities we both enjoy that allow us to spend time together without opening the door to disagreement.

    • Anon Anon

      I also live in the world of the difficult mother. She was (and still is) incredibly attractive and has always used it to her advantage throughout life to get by doing as little as possible. As she gets older, this tactic isn’t working as well as she would like. She’s never held a steady job and relies on others to take care of her. In the past it was always her flavor of the week, but more recently she has turned to me. I begrudgingly “lent” her a large amount of money (despite being eternally in debt – thanks, law school) when she was (very suddenly) about to be evicted from her rent house. Knowing that if I were in that situation, I would work my you-know-what off in order to pay my child back, I naturally assumed she would at least put forth some effort to turn her life around in order to pay me back. Of course, I never expected to be paid back, but I thought her attempts to pay me back would push her to “fix” her life. How wrong I was.

      Now, any time I try to bring up ways in which to better her life, I get the silent treatment for weeks at a time. She acts like a petulant teenager when I try to contact her (e.g., if I call her, she won’t answer, but will immediately text me saying, “What’s up?”). Ugh. Just such a mess. Needless to say, I have my own bills, goals, and life, and I would appreciate having some semblance of support from her rather than being forced to act as her mother 99.9% of the time.

      /vent.

    • North Shore

      My relationship with my mother has improved as we get older. After I had kids, my husband and I moved a mile away from my parents, and she steps in seamlessly when I travel. My husband works crazy hours and travels, so when I’m gone, my kids live at my mom’s. She set up this grandchild suite, and they have their own beds, and they bring their pet, and she takes them to school. There is no way I could have kept my current high-travel job if she wasn’t here. I clear my schedule with her before setting depositions and such — my favorite colleagues know this, and will ask me to check my mom’s calendar to see if I can cover something out of town.

    • anon

      I was actually talking just this morning to my therapist about this. I would like to have a better relationship with my mother, but she drives. me. insane. Excactly like you said – I turn into a hormonal teenager around her, and everything she says annoys me. We live in different parts of the country – when I fly in to visit, it takes about 5 minutes in the car on the way from the airport for me to be completely annoyed and straining to not let it show (generally unsuccessfully – I always end up giving one-word teenager-type answers when prompted).

      Can’t have a conversation with her bc “conversation” implies that two people are talking, not one listening to another’s monologue. She will literally talk for 15, 20 minutes without stopping, and then only to say “are you still there?” “yes.” “okay, just checking!! so, blah blah blah etc…” The monologue topics range from everyone’s ills – I mean, everything from her neighbor’s heart to my aunt’s bursitis to my grandfather’s back problem to my cousin’s diarrhea. Seriously, you cannot tell her that your stomach hurts, or the whole family will be told about the likely state of your poop. The other topic is how she has been wronged by someone: the deli counter lady taking a different person’s order first; her stepdaughter’s tone when calling to speak to her father; my brother not returning her calls quickly enough; etc.

      Anyway, I’ll pass along my therapist’s advice, which I thought was good and which I might try out this weekend (though I will probably chicken out). Basically, tell her you are working on making your important relationships better, that she is important to you, and you would like to be closer. But, that you do not look forward to your conversations because of the negativity, and because there is no sharing or back-and-forth. Say that no other relationship you have, with your S.O., with your friends, with your colleagues, involves monologues or so much negativity, because that is not the kind of relationship that makes you happy or that you seek out or choose to have. It’s not good for either of you. And then ask her to work on it, in a fairly structured way. Basically – for our particular issues, he suggested that we take 5-minute turns talking for a while. And then, if her topics have been negative, tell her the next thing has to be positive. Period. I am not too optimistic that this will work, but I do feel like I am missing out on what could be a great relationship. She just lost her mother this year, and I know she misses her even more than I do – they used to talk every single day. It would be nice to have that kind of thing (well, not the every single day part … :)

        • shrink

          Clearly, I must join this family of daughters! Wonder why I’m in my field…don’t need a doctorate to figure that one out :)

      • Bridget

        Hm, I have two sisters. I didn’t know they were both on Corporette until just now …

        • anon again

          I wish I had a sister! :) seriously, like i told my therapist, this seems like a pretty common mom complaint (which frightens me re motherhood). That doesn’t make it less frustrating/maddening/sad, though! I wish life were simpler.

    • Anon for this one

      My mom’s mentally ill and self-involved. I talk to her every few weeks and try not to let her make me crazy. It took me a long time to get to this point. I’ve given up on ever having a real relationship with her, because she was such a horrendously bad mother that I can’t be close to her. Oh well.

      No advice really, just hugs.

    • p

      Love my mom so much it hurts. Even more now that I’m an adult with my own career-I realize all of the sacrifices that she made for me in helping with homework, projects, sports. I can’t imagine coming home from law firm life and tutoring a pissy teenager in chemistry, but she did!

      I know that moms can be tricky, and everyone’s relationships are different, but I am 99% sure that everyone’s moms, at one point, held us as babies and wanted the world for us!

      My MIL, though, is a different story. :)

      • WorkingGirl

        I did not really understand this until I had a child of my own. Now that I am a mother myself, I feel like I can forgive my mother for so much more.

    • Bee

      We so often expect our mother’s to get things right, understand us, be wonderfully supportive, etc. Moms are real people too, though, with real problems. Your mom is not taking care of herself and is sleeping too much? These are signs of depression, a common and sometimes very serious problem. Or, maybe something else is wrong. She sounds llike she needs some help.

      The thing about reverting to adolescence around your mother…it does get better with time. The teenager you used to be fades into the background and your adult self gets stronger.

      Some ideas that may help: decide before you see her what you will and will not say. Give yourself sort of a script. You may not be able to follow that script, but you’ll do better with one than without. You may also want to arrange time together on your turf, or on neutral ground, rather than in her territory. That should make it easier for you to be the grownup. Work on your boundaries. Learn not to react to some of the things that have been setting you off. You may or may not be able to help her.

      Take good care of yourself. Your own kids need you to be sane and healthy.

      • ANP

        Chiming in bc I can totally sympathize. My relationship with my mom is horrible and I really couldn’t figure it out, so I started seeing a therapist about a year ago. My daughter was about 10 ms old at the time, and my big goal was to not turn into my mom (eventually) re: my relationship with my own kid.

        Well let me tell you what: therapy has been life-changing for me! I’ve learned not to blame myself so much; that the stuff my mom resents me for is normal (i.e. Putting my husband/kid first), etc. More than anything, I’ve let go of this huge “mom weight” and really let myself be happy. So liberating!

        My therapist, while she refuses to diagnose from a distance, has confirmed the irrationality of my mom’s behavior and believes she may suffer from some sort of mental illness. This has also made it easier for me to accept her behavior.

        I say all of this for a few reasons: 1 – the right therapist is invaluable. 2 — you aren’t alone! And 3 — I got a lot of peace when I figured out that you can’t change/help someone who doesn’t want assistance. All I can do is work on myself, not her. It’s still hard for me to realize that my daughter will grow up not really knowing either of my parents (Dad for geographic reasons, Mom for lack of effort), but now that I’ve stopped expecting/hoping for a miracle, I’m moving on with my life.

        • Jen

          “you can’t change/help someone who doesn’t want assistance”. This falls in with what the OP is talking about. Your mom is an adult. If she doesn’t want to take her medications, you can’t force her. All you can do is control your reactions to her and prevent her from driving your children anywhere. If you are nearby or have a relationship with her doctor, you might report her sleeping at the wheel.

          My mom will never understand my work or why I haven’t had 3.7 children yet or why I’m unmarried at 31. She will always want to see me succeed in the things that she thinks are signs of success (clean house, happy husband, white picket fence). Those aren’t my markers of success.

          Viewing her as if I were an anthropologist helps me to not have teenage-me react to these expectations. Instead, I try to relate to her as if I didn’t know all of her stories and ask her questions about how she felt at the time. We’ll never be best friends, but I have come to view her as her own person with her own fears and desires.

          I would suggest talking to your mom as honestly as you can about why she won’t take her medicine. Ask the question, and then let her talk. I like to think that I know my mom well enough to know why she won’t take her medicine. But allowing her to openly express those fears has helped me to explain why it’s important that she does. Giving her the space to speak freely and to make sure that she is heard has made it easier for her to see my side. It’s still not perfect, but it’s better. She listens now when I say that I think her dose is off.

          • Elizabeth

            I was the youngest of a large family and never had the opportunity to spend much time with my mom; then my parents moved when I was 19 in order to be closer to a sister with a fatal illness. So I navigated my 20’s and early 30’s basically being a friendly, loving stranger with my mom. We just weren’t involved in each others’ lives. She lived in another state, didn’t get to know my kids or my friends or the details of my life. But I always knew we loved each other and that she was a warm, caring, kind woman who had WAY too much piled on her plate o’ life. By the time I hit my 40’s and life started to even out, well, she got Alzheimer’s and so the whole ship sailed without ever having that close relationship, and now she’s gone. I know the potential was there, and I really feel for those you of who have written so candidly about the painful, sometimes tortured relationships with your mothers. There is no other relationship to equal it, good or bad!

    • Another Anon

      I have a varied relationship with my mom. On the one hand, I know she loves me, and the kids. On the other hand, she hasn’t gotten over the fact that I’m all grown up, and I no longer need her approval to make decisions. She literally stopped speaking to me for months, when we bought a house that she didn’t like. I do feel like a teenager in many ways around her, but that’s because she treats me like one.

      For your mom, see if you can talk to her and ask her how she feels. I have a friend who had a similar issue (sibling not taking prescription meds) and it turned out that when she did take it, she felt like she was wrapped in cotton wool, could not focus, could not hear right, could not “be.” She took the sis back to the doctor, for a prescription upgrade, and it helped a bunch. So maybe it’s not irrationality. Then again, another friend’s mother who was refusing to take her meds, turned out was in the early stages of dementia, with the associated paranoia issues. Not fun, but again, information is a good thing. Best of luck.

  6. Lydia

    If you could wear jeans to work, would you? I am in-house, Fortune 50 company. We recently went casual for Fridays (business casual the rest of the time). All summer I avoided the jeans decision because a skirt or dress is a lot more comfortable in the summer time. But now that it is fall…I need to decide. I think the outfit above looks quite nice and still put together. Half my group has already been wearing jeans, and I have already received comments asking me why I am not wearing them. It seems a little odd to me to be in jeans at work – but maybe I should just get over it.

    • Anon

      I feel uncomfortably casual wearing jeans to work (even though I can on Fridays) so I wear cords instead. Equally casual (and equally inappropriate at my office for M-Th) so I feel like I”m still “dressed down” enough to fit in.

    • AnonInfinity

      I would wear them in a very polished way if many other people at my level were wearing them.

    • Lyssa

      Most people seem to think nice jeans are fine if they are specifically allowed, and if people are asking you why you’re not wearing them, then they’re certainly perfectly fine. I’d go with very dark wash, neatly, freshly ironed (OK, at least wrinkle-free) jeans. Trouser-cut with nice shoes and a nice shirt will look perfectly put-together.

      All that said, I don’t care to wear jeans for work. My firm doesn’t really have a dress code that I’m aware of, and the attorneys usually dress fairly casually, but I’ve never seen them wear jeans (the assistants sometimes do on Fridays- I guess it’s sort of an unwritten rule). I’m the only female and by far the youngest attorney, so I really don’t want to be lumped in with the assistants, so I make an extra effort. Also, I just don’t find jeans to be as comfortable for sitting at a desk all day as nicer pants (too stiff and thick), so I could never really see the appeal of wearing them to work in an office.

    • Formerly Preggo Angie

      I have a co-worker who has a great pair of dark-washed denim trousers. I haven’t been able to find a pair that works for me, but they look pretty polished for casual Friday.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I think this is the perfect solution. I’ve been on the hunt as well, but haven’t had any luck yet.

        • Bunkster

          Me, too. I’ve just spent the weekend trying to find trouser jeans. Any recommendations?

      • TX Attny

        I have a pair of Not Your Daughter brand dark wash trouser jeans. LOVE them. They are comfortable, sort of look like navy slacks and really are flattering. I purchased mine at Nordstrom but have also seen them at Nordstrom Rack.

        • Sue

          Love Hudson jeans and wear them to work on Fridays. They have some cute trouser jeans. They’re like sisterhood of the travelling pants, they look good on everyone.

    • Nonny

      We have Jeans Friday and I sometimes take advantage of it, and sometimes not. Occasionally, rather than wearing jeans I will wear an A-line denim skirt, which, when I first did it, surprised everyone because they had never thought about wearing denim items other than actual jeans (?!?). But when I do wear actual jeans, I only wear very dark, boot-cut jeans with an otherwise work-appropriate top. I have decided that for me, my skinnies are not work-appropriate, no matter what I wear on top.

      • AnonInfinity

        What about skinnies if you come in on the weekend? I would never wear them on a casual Friday, but I’ve been torn about whether they are okay for coming in on the weekend.

        • MelD

          I wear skinnies on Fridays- they’re pretty common in my office. My office is pretty casual and there are some people who elect not to wear jeans on Fridays, but they’re probably the minority.

        • JJ

          I’ve seen people in yoga pants and running shorts on the weekend. I wouldn’t think twice about seeing someone in skinny jeans at the office on a Saturday or Sunday.

        • MissJackson

          I’ve seen partners in sweatsuits on the weekend. Not kidding. In my BigLaw office if you were wearing skinnies on the weekend you’d be “dressed up”. Maybe a slight exaggeration, but definitely no one would judge you.

    • J

      I stick to dark washes and trouser jeans (but today I’m actually rocking some skinnies with boots–it’s chilly out!). I think they are perfectly acceptable when most others are also wearing them on a casual Friday. I’d get more looks if I were wearing dress pants.

      I always say, I can account just as well in jeans as a suit. :)

      • Nonny

        Hmm, I wonder if that works for pyjamas too. I wonder what my boss would say to, “I draft agreements even better in my jammies”?

        Worth a try, IMO. :-)

    • ADL

      I’m a yes. My office dress code sounds familiar; in the summer we’re all casual, but I usually wear skirts/dresses b/c it’s too hot to wear jeans. But in the fall/winter/spring, if I have no meetings, bring on the jeans. I wear them with a dressy blouse, blazer, etc, so I’m not a frump. FWIW, I’m in DC.

    • No Jeans

      I am business casual in-house at a university. Lots of my clients wear jeans on Fridays (though never the Chancellor or the Provost). I will wear white jeans or black jeans but never denim jeans.

    • eek

      I don’t work in a jeans environment, but if I worked where you do I would but only if they were a very nice looking pair of trouser jeans (preferably w/ cuffs). I wouldn’t wear any of the jeans I own to work because they weren’t purchased with the thought that I would ever wear them to the office. Not that there is anything wrong with them, they are very flattering. It’s just that those aren’t the parts of me I want people to notice at work.

      It would take me a little while to warm up to the idea and if your group is only 50-50, I wouldn’t worry about it so much it yet, but on the flip side I also wouldn’t want to be perceived as “too good for jeans”…I’m not, it would take me a while to warm up to the idea of wearing jeans to work because I’ve never worked in a place where that was allowed, my personal style/preference/etc.

    • MissJackson

      I would wear jeans if it were permitted, but I’m not you.

      If you’re not comfortable with the idea, I wouldn’t do so just to “fit in.” If people ask why you’re not wearing them, just say that it’s not your preference! If you ever change your mind, you’re allowed to start wearing them later (or vice versa). Don’t feel like you have to “decide” now and stick with it forever!

      • Research, Not Law

        This.

        I can and I do. But I have coworkers who feel more comfortable in slacks or dresses. That’s fine, too.

    • jcb

      I’m wearing jeans to work today! (nice perk of my firm) They are dark denim boot-cut jeans; I’m wearing them with nice gray flats, a deep pink silk top and brown jacket. It was a little odd at first, but I enjoy the option now. I almost always wear them with a jacket, though.

    • Divaliscious11

      We have jeans Friday, and it depends on my schedule. If I have no meetings, I wear my regular jeans. If I have meetings but no executive or C-suite folks, I’ll wear a dark wash, maybe with a blazer. C-Suite meetings – more casual but not denim…

      My dream job is one wear I can wear jeans every day……

    • Lucy

      I can, and do every once in a while (college prof). I don’t do casual clothes very well – there’s a big gap between work clothes and ratty gardening clothes – so that’s a disincentive to wear jeans to work. Sometimes with a sweater or jacket and flats.

    • Herbie

      Find jeans that you’re comfortable wearing to work. I’m a recent in-house at a large company, and our dress code is casual. Most people wear jeans every day. No joke – when I interviewed, the GC and AGC were always in jeans. I’ve never seen the CEO in anything but jeans. I’m not 100% thrilled with the jeans I have, but fitting in to the culture here is very important, so I started wearing them anyway once people started commenting on the fact that I wasn’t. In the interim, I’m keeping my eye out for some trouser jeans that are flattering and in which I feel really comfortable.

      • Anonymous

        My office is very casual. T-shirts, flip-flops, and jeans casual. As one of the older attorneys who has also gained more than a few pounds in the past few years, I struggle to keep it casual and not frumpy. I find a wedge or booty with a heal helps with the anti-frump. But, I am also grateful that on day that I am running late, I can put on a cute T and sneakers.

  7. A.F.T.

    Yay, weekend thread! I’ve been watching for it all day so I could send a huge THANK YOU to the Corporette who posted a few weeks ago about her ADHD. After reading your list of all-too-familiar symptoms, I went and got tested, and started taking Adderall this week. You probably saved my job — Thanks!

    • Anon for this

      SO glad it helped you! I have since had to go off my first med, Vyvanse b/c my heart was beating way too fast. I had to switch to a smaller dose of adderall instead. I still feel SO MUCH BETTER. I went to a CLE today and was so focused and interested and all I could think of was woah, college and law school would have been so much better if I had treated this sooner!

      • A.F.T.

        I started with the low dose of Adderall and have been amazed — basically spent the last three days going around saying “Holy crap, is this how everyone else feels all the time? This is so much easier!” Reminds me of the first day I got glasses, and realized that you’re actually supposed to be able to see the numbers on license plates.

        Thanks again!

        • Charlotte

          Hi — I saw the thread before on ADHD, and I am happy to hear that people have been diagnosed and treated. I believe that I exhibit classic signs of at least mild ADHD…. I’m interested — can you please expand on how you felt before vs. how you feel now? TIA!!!

    • anon

      I also brought it up with my therapist – and he agreed that it very well could be an issue and referred me to a psychiatrist to discuss and possibly get a prescription. Thanks for lighting the fire under me!

    • Anon

      This is comforting and frustrating at the same time. I also made an appointmentt with my (fantastic) PCP after reading that post. She referred me to a psychologist for testing. I finally have my first appointment with the psychologist tomorrow (the first one available), but due to my insurance, this appointment will just be to discuss what testing is appropriate. I have to then make a follow-up appointment for the actual testing for the testing to be covered by insurance. THEN, the psychologist has another meeting with me to discuss the results before sending the results to my PCP. And finally, if my PCP thinks its appropriate, I will start on medication. So.frustrating.I.am.not.patient.

  8. K

    Advice Please!

    I work in the social services industry and am the program director of an agency which shares space with another program within the same company. My bosses are all off-site, so we don’t really get to know eachother suepr well. The problem I’m having is with the other program… the company just gave the recently opened director position to a 23 yr old with no real experience because the former person was let go without warning and this girl was his assistant (though she’d left the office for a year to work in another program). So she and I are essentially co-driving the car that is 2 programs in 1 space. However, because she lacks any formal post-HS education or experience as a supervisor, she’s all over the map!

    Any advice on how to be clear about my boundaries (for my program and for myself) without coming across to the bosses off-site as being cold or unwilling to help? I don’t mind lending a hand or sharing info, but they’re not paying me to train her and I’m sick of her freaking out and causing a ruckus every other minute because she doesn’t know any better (or because she’s all drama, that is TBD)! Help!

    • Esquirette

      This sucks. I wish someone had given you some advice. I’ve thought about it but I’m not sure what to say. Maybe try asking again tomorrow! I hope someone has some thoughtful things to say!

  9. AEK

    Any out-of-box suggestions for being completely overwhelmed with work and family obligations and/or major life changes? I totally endorse and am doing the eat right/ sleep /exercise approach, but I’m in a particularly stressful stretch here and was briefly in danger of crying over a papercut two minutes ago, so I could use some other suggestions if anyone’s game. My best idea is to crawl into bed and wake up in a month when things will be more stable.

    • conbrio

      Ugh – it sounds like you’re at the end of your rope. I sympathize! Maybe try to schedule some time with a friend who really gets you and supports you, and either let it all out or have fun talking about other stuff that has nothing to do with your sources of stress. I find that time with a really good friend can be like a mini-vacation and leave me feeling refreshed and help me keep things in perspective. I’ve been really stressed out lately, then yesterday I went for a mani-pedi and sushi with my sister, who fits the description of somebody who really gets me and supports me, and I felt like a new person afterward. And we just talked about stupid stuff, like Kim Kardashian’s honeymoon photos, but it got my mind off of everything and helped me feel like myself again. Good luck!

    • MissJackson

      This is going to sound weird, but one of my best mood lifters (after the exercise/eat right/sleep method that you’ve already implimented) is listening to music. Even just one song on a ridiculously stressful day can help improve my mood.

      Second tip is to deal with whatever is stressing you out immediately. It’s way worse thinking about the stressful things than actually just doing them (I fall down on this all the time, but I keep hoping that I’ll eventually learn).

    • Nonny

      The only thing I can suggest, and what I have done before when things have been really bad and I’ve had to keep it together, has been to repeat the mantra, “One thing at a time”. It doesn’t matter if that thing is very small. Just concentrate on that one thing for the period of time it takes to complete, and give yourself permission to think about the other things in due course when their time comes up. You have to be quite rigorous with yourself and sometimes I’ve ended up repeating it aloud. But it can work. That, and conscious breathing.

      • R in Boston

        I sometimes make lists in this situation. When all the things I have to take care of are in my head, I am just mulling them over constantly. When I put them down on paper in some sort of order, I feel as though I’ve freed myself to think about them sequentially. That and it helps me separate those things I can work on (finish project, assign menu items for giant family dinner) from those I cannot (mother in law is crazy). Then, as Nonny suggests, just take them one at a time.

        The caveat being, if lists terrify you, don’t do this.

      • Anonymous

        where are your feet? If they are home, deal with home and if they are at work, do your work. It is silly, but it helps me get back on track when I start panicking over all I have to do.

    • Sydney Bristow

      Is there any way that you could leave work an hour or two early and just go home, get in your sweats, and have yourself a really good cry and go to bed early? I was feeling very similar to you a couple of weeks ago and completely on edge feeling like I was on the verge of breaking down, so I finally just let it happen then slept a solid 9 hours and felt a fair amount better the next day. It can be really helpful to get it all out.

    • Herbie

      I printed and cut out a slogan from Gibson Dunn’s website (can’t find it anymore) and stuck it where I could always see it behind my monitor at my firm. It said, “When your back is against the wall, there is always a way out.”

      It’s super cheesy, but just seeing that every day made me feel better. It reminded me that the hell was not permanent and that one day things would change for the better.

    • anon for this

      I just hit this point about 2 weeks ago. I’ve been super stressed out before, but because of additional family issues (death of a close family member, major illness of a grandparent, and husband changing jobs) i knew this was different. I finally went to see my Dr and after talking to her about it for a while, she gave me a Rx for anti-anxeity medication. Its working great so far. I dont know your feelings on this type of solution, and i had resisted this in the past, but for me this was the best choice ive made in a long time.

    • Denise

      Make up an “appointment” and leave your environment for an hour. Turn off your phone, find a new-to-you coffeeshop and buy a ridiculously caloric and expensive espresso drink (the espresso part is essential, IMO). Sit facing the wall. Sip slowly. Take deep breaths. Possibly journal (I’m a big fan of lists like R in Boston suggests, more for the thought-ordering than for the purpose of checking off items). Then go back and finish your day.

      For me, that hour of total anonymity and peace can be so healing.

      • jcb

        I’d forgotten all about that page. Thanks for the reminder! So soothing.

        To the OP: big hugs to you. Everyone ends up where you are, every now and then. I have a few notes around my office for those times. “When you’re going through hell, keep going” (Churchill) is my favorite. I believe I pulled that from a Snapple cap a few years ago. And personally, I do some mental exercises when things get to be too much – taking a step back, looking at the grand scheme of things, figuring out exactly what is stressing me out, and where the stressors fall so far as importance in my overall lifetime. Looking at how they are affecting parts of my life that are more important to me. We only have so much time here, don’t give too much power to the immediate problems.

  10. anon

    Anyone have any tricks/mental-mantras for dealing with smug people? Unfortunately one of which is even your friend … or maybe more like a “frenemy” now sadly …

    • Anonymous

      Deep breath, let it out slowly, and try to stay in that “place” that’s OK, doesn’t need approval, doesn’t need to be right, doesn’t need to be anything.

    • Emily I

      I like to kill ’em with kindness/friendliness.and be as genuine about it as I can. It seems to take the wind out of their sails.

    • eek

      Deep breath and telling myself that I’m better than them, which is true b/c that is behavior I have no desire to emulate/be around/have any part of. I also tell myself that I’m not alone in my thinking. Now, a friend/frenemy, depending on the situation, I’d ask “You’re just kidding, right or do you really believe that/think that?”?

      • Research, Not Law

        “Deep breath and telling myself that I’m better than them”

        This is what I do, too. I’m currently on a team with two people like this. It doesn’t do me any good to get wound up about it, so I just focus on being the bigger person. I ignore their smug remarks and passive agressive maneuvers. I stick to my guns and move on. I remind myself that everyone else can see what they are, too, which helps. Particularly when they are weird in meetings with higher-ups.

    • Kanye East

      I’ma get New Agey since you used the word “mantra.”

      Read Pema Chödrön on awakening compassion. She has some wonderful and simple lovingkindness meditations I use to deal with people who challenge me. Start with “Awakening Loving-Kindness,” “The Places that Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times,” or “Comfortable with Uncertainty: 108 Teachings on Cultivating Fearlessness and Compassion.”

      • RL

        Thank you for these recs – I am struggling with The Fear a lot lately and it sounds like these might be helpful.

        • Kanye East

          She’s a really wonderful and thoughtful writer; I hope she helps you. I also find Thich Nhat Hanh’s writing and experiences inspiring, especially in dark times.

    • A

      I just think getting to be me, and having to deal with that person is way better then having to BE that person

    • EM

      In my experience, smug people are often insecure people. They want you to feel inferior to them, since they feel inferior. I agree with the “kill them with kindness” advice. My mother advises to “play dumb” in that you pretend that you can’t detect their smugness and are blithely unaware and oh so cheerful. :)

  11. Monday

    This got trapped in moderation, so trying again…I’m actually seeking some work-related advice for once:

    Currently I work for Fabulous Employer A. I love my job and the people I work with, but it’s a fixed-term position. Therefore everyone knows I am in the market for something permanent that is up one rank, and most are offering to help out. I’m networking a ton. I would love to stay at Employer A, but officially we are not hiring at the appropriate level anytime soon.

    Recently I had a one-on-one meeting with a senior person in another unit here. He told me that while they are not posting jobs, “if we see someone who we know is good…”. He hinted several times at the prospect of my joining his group, and then said “I probably shouldn’t say anything more at the moment.” It would be AMAZING if I got an offer from them, and I am doing all I can to follow up in the ways he has suggested, but obviously I cannot count on anything.

    Meanwhile, Fabulous Employer B actually IS officially hiring at my level. They are equal in every way to my current employer, and there are a lot of collegial connections (and quite a revolving door) between the two. The guy I mentioned above said several times that he wants to help me in any way I can to advance next year, and I know he knows folks at Employer B who would likely be involved in hiring decisions.

    So the dilemma is: do I ask him for advice/insight as I apply to Employer B, since he offered to “help”? Or, because he’s been hinting at my staying at A and working with him, would this send the message that I’m not interested? (For what it’s worth, my ideal would be to stay at A and work with him if that became an option.) I was thinking of saying something like, “Obviously, I would love to stay here, but I recognize that that may not work out, and so I have to explore other options”–and then bring up Employer B. On the other hand, I can’t sound too lukewarm about B if I’m asking for help getting a job there!

    Corporettes, what would you do? If you were the senior person involved, what would you want to hear? Thanks…

    • ER

      I would definitely, absolutely ask for help/recommendations applying for B. You can think of it as “exploring” that option or “learning more about” the job openings that are available at B. There’s no reason that you need to decide now whether you would prefer to work for B or for A. You certainly don’t have to tell your boss whether you’d rather work for B or A. If A wants to hire you, A can offer you a position up and until you accept B’s offer.

      You have to remember that you don’t have a job offer from A until you have a job offer from A. That means that you should be applying to B right now (and maybe looking outside just those two companies so that you don’t end up unemployed when your current position expires). But you can tell your boss that while you’re interested in learning about B, you’ve loved working for A, and you would really like to be kept in mind for any position that opens up at A.

  12. RAD

    Happy weekend everyone! I am hoping to get some suggestions for a trip to SF/Sonoma that my boyfriend and I are taking in October. I am getting there one day before him and would love to get some shopping in before he arrives. Any recommendations for cute neighborhoods to explore, preferably with some cute boutiques and/or consignment stores? I’m also curious whether you think a walking architecture tour would be worthwhile?

    Once my boyfriend arrives, we’re going to spend one day in SF (staying in Union Square) and two days in Sonoma (staying at a B&B in Healdsburg). We have dinners planned and have done some research on vineyards, but I’d love to hear any suggestions for lunch, wineries and activities in SF. Also, what clothing would be appropriate for mid-October? I’m thinking wrap dresses with a wrap/cardigan for nighttime and jeans, a light top and a blazer for daytime.

    Thanks!

    • conbrio

      October weather in SF can be really unpredictable – make sure you check the weather reports right before you leave for your trip. Sometimes we get a big heatwave/Indian summer, and sometimes it’s freezing. Layers are your friend, as are scarves, which are very much in style here and help you stay warm and/or sun-protected.

      People love the Rotunda at Neiman Marcus for lunch, and it’s very close to wherever you’re staying in Union Square. I think you need a reservation. Or you could wander around North Beach and get a cappuccino here, an Italian pastry there, etc., and also find some good pizza and/or pasta.

      There are a lot of cute clothing boutiques on Fillmore around California Street, and a lot of good lunch places there too – and it’s not a really touristy neighborhood. There are some fun clothing stores on Haight too.

      Have fun!

    • SF Bay Associate

      Healdsburg is Russian River, not Sonoma. Also my absolute favorite place in all of wine country. Your outfits will not be warm enough. Bring a real jacket and leggings/tights. It gets COLD (<50s, with a breeze) in wine country in the mornings and evenings.

      Main boutique/consignment areas are Union/Chestnut streets, Fillmore street, and Valencia st. Whether the tour is worth it depends on whether you're into architecture!

      • Amy H.

        Seconded re: bringing warmer clothes than you mentioned. Two days ago I needed the wool liner on my trench for walking around downtown, even though I had a blazer on as well!

        One more boutique/consignment neighborhood to add to Union Street, Fillmore Street and Valencia Street: Hayes Valley (Hayes Street between Franklin and Laguna or so). I also posted my top ten things to do in SF in a weekend thread (I think) a month or so ago. For Healdsburg restaurants, I highly recommend:
        * Cyrus. Eating a la carte at the bar is much, much cheaper, but if you are in the mood for a splurge, the dining room is wonderful and IMHO, very much worth it. Make sure to get the cheese course!
        * Dry Creek Kitchen. Free corkage on all Sonoma County wine — so you can bring something you bought at a winery that day. OTOH, their wine pairings are phenomenal and have introduced me to lots of Sonoma County wines that I’d never encountered elsewhere. The wine people here seriously know their stuff.
        * Scopa. Great regional Italian on the square.
        * Downtown Bakery and Creamery. Also on the square. Amazing morning buns and other pastries. (If your B&B breakfast hasn’t already left you plenty full!)
        * Flying Goat Coffee.
        *Healdsburg General Store (if it’s warm enough for picnicking).
        Also, I haven’t been back up to try it yet, but Scott Beattie, the guy who used to do all the artisanal cocktails at Cyrus (think housemade infusions and fresh seasonal herbs and fruit) is now at H2’s SpoonBar.

        Some favorite wineries near Healdsburg: Unti, Rochioli, Michel-Schlumberger, Ridge (Lytton Springs), Quivira, Rafanelli (if you can get a concierge, etc. to get you an appointment — they don’t have open tasting hours or tours). Merry Edwards is renowned, esp. for Pinot, but is a bit farther south and the tasting room is in a corner of what looks like a warehouse. Still, very nice people and great wines! Healdsburg is at sort of the midpoint of three valleys that I believe each have their own appellation — Dry Creek Valley (most known for Zinfandel), the Russian River Valley (most known for Pinot Noir) and the Alexander Valley (most known for Cab). There is a great, free map that I think is called the Wine Road that lists all the local wineries and hours, etc. Your B&B will probably have this, or pick one up at a winery. It’s lovely just to drive the back roads and stop in to wineries and tasting rooms where you like . . . Dry Creek Road and West Dry Creek Road and Westside Road are all great for this. Have fun!

      • RAD

        Thanks for all the shopping and winery suggestions, ladies! I just took a look at Amy H.’s post from last week which I’d saved and remembered that I want to go to the Ferry Building market for lunch. I think I will have plenty to do if I browse the various shopping areas you’ve mentioned as well as the market.

        There are just so many winery options! I like drinking wine but am not a serious wine drinker or connoisseur by any means, so all the options are a bit overwhelming. I will definitely ask the b&b for a copy of the wine road map. I might also just sign us up for one of those van tours which takes you around so that we don’t have to drive or make all the decisions re: what wineries to visit.

        Thanks again for all the feedback. I’m currently planning this long weekend AND a two-week trip to Vietnam in December, and I’m starting to feel overwhelmed! While my boyfriend is helpful, I am definitely feeling more of the pressure to actually make concrete plans. I just keep on telling myself that we can’t go that wrong when we’re in such great places.

    • Denise

      My husband and I are doing a bike tour of wineries in Napa the first week of October! I hear that’s the best time of the year to visit wineries because it’s harvest time.

      I’m so glad you asked this, because I assumed it would still be summery there (duh me) and was planning to take mostly shorts and tees. Guess I’ll need to revise that plan.

    • Anon Sonoma Fan

      I love the Healdsburg/Russian River/Sonoma area. Here are my recommendations:

      Healdsburg: Willie’s Seafood (restaurant for lunch/dinner – great lobster rolls); Oakville (?) Grocery for lunch sandwiches.

      Wineries: Bella Winery on West Dry Creek Rd (beautiful location, great wine cave); Arista Winery for pinot noirs (not on Dry Creek Rd but near Healdsburg); F. Teldeschi winery (on Dry Creek Road, not a fancy tasting room but great wines); and Mauritson winery (on Dry Creek Rd.).

      Have fun!

      • RAD

        Thanks for all the recs, Anon Sonoma Fan! It turns out Bella Winery is having a harvest celebration the weekend we are there, so I think we will have to visit! I would love to partake in the grape stomping competition!

  13. Bunkster

    Boston meet-up. I set up an email address: bostoncorporette@gmail.com.

    I’ve heard from 6 or so people through the email. It looks like October 20th works for more people. I think last week on the weekend thread there were 8 or so people interested so I’m posting again to make sure we get everybody.

    I’m going to leave the choice of venue up to the group. But if you email me at the address above, we can get this organized. One of the women who is interested in coming has volunteered to schedule everything via doodle.

    Looking forward to meeting everybody…

  14. Anon D

    Since I have always put my career first and I have moved around the world a few times, I feel like I don’t have enough friends. I’m back in my hometown and really consider two people close friends. However, with everyone leading busy lives, I only see them every two or three months. I do have kids so it seems just easier making new acquaintances with parents of the kids’ friends nowadays. But then I’ll stupidly watch a show like Sex and the City and feel like I should have a close group of girlfriends. And so, I’m basically just wondering if it’s normal not to have so many friends. My husband always jokingly makes fun of me and says I have no friends, but I really don’t see when I’m supposed to find time to socialize more. Do you have friends like on SATC?

    • Snarky

      I struggle with this sometimes as well. Since I went to school in multiple states, I have friends from all over. I know a lot of people and I consider a lot of people “friends” but they’re so spread out. In reality, I have very few female friends in close proximity to where I live. HOwever, I am really good at keeping in touch with people – which makes those other relationships work.

      I think that it’s not always possible to have the SATC tight knit group of friends in the same area. Then again, sometimes it is.

      No matter the situation, everyone leads busy lives. We have to make a concerted effort to make sure that we maintain relationships in a manner which we are satisfied. Set out girls’ night type dates far in advance, get on the calendars early. That type of thing. Meet new people at professional events. You never know when you’ll click with someone.

      More importantly… give yourself a break. Your busy. Let’s not get into how many things would never happen in “reality” from SATC. We can’t compare ourselves to women who never existed.

      • Lyssa

        Tell me about how you are really good at keeping in touch with people. I am, and always have been, absolutely terrible at it. (Facebook helps some, but even with that, if I don’t see a person regularly through some set activity, I just lose contact.)

        I definitely don’t think that the SATC girls are realistic. But I know the feeling.

        • Snarky

          I’ve just always been good at calling/emailing etc. I don’t know why. I’m *That* girl in my groups of friends. I get group emails with updates going… I call randomly… I don’t know. It just seems to work.

          I’m not ALWAYS great about it but I’m far better than most. FB helps, I guess… I just make sure I keep contact with people who are important to me.

    • Anon

      I don’t have friends like SATC and I wonder how normal that sort of group dynamic is. I don’t ever see women out in groups like that; none of my female relatives have friends like that, nor do any of my coworkers or other friends. I do have different sets of friends depending on circumstances or activities (exercise, volunteer work, etc), but not a consistent core group.
      People’s lives just change too much for regular Sunday brunches. I don’t know.

      • Lynnet

        I’ve had consistent core groups of friends in the past (high school and undergrad), but in law school I just ended up making lots of individual friends. I really miss the dynamics of having a core group of friends, and I hope I can get back to it in the future. I think it’s definitely possible, but requires a core group of about 5 or 6, so that the group can get together and continue to bond even if one or two people can’t be there.

        • Lynnet

          I should add that I don’t have kids, and I think that would make a huge difference in how easy it would be to maintain that kind of friendship. For example, my knitting group consists of mostly 27-40 yr old women who are really close friends and meet several times a week as a group, in addition to doing things in twos and threes, but none of them have kids.

    • SCS

      I’m a lawyer in a big-ish city in the middle of the country. I grew up here and moved back after a couple years practicing in DC. I would say I have two or three really good friends who I talk to on the phone at least once a week. And then a bunch of “other” friends who are nice women/men, but I don’t feel particularly close to and just enjoy meeting for drinks (none of us have kids so we can still go for drinks at night). I don’t know anyone who has a group of SATC friends as adults–having those kinds of groups of friends was more a high school and college thing for me because that’s when my girlfriends and I were all at the same places in our lives (geographically, interests, amounts of free time, etc.). I don’t think what you’re describing is abnormal at all–but I’d like to see what other women have to say.

    • MelD

      I had a group of 3 girlfriends a la SATC when I was in grad school 10ish years ago, but haven’t managed to make a group of friends like that again. I agree that once you get older, it gets hard to make those types of close friends you could easily make in high school or college. A lot of people I know who still have those close groups of girlfriends have kept in touch with their HS or college friends. I wonder if women really do easily have those groups of girlfriends that they made outside of school?

    • LSC

      I hear you! In the city where I went to law school, I essentially had one close girlfriend. My husband would tease me about it good natured-ly, but it did make me feel like there was something a little weird about me. I think these things just happen with busy people–it does get hard to keep in touch and plan things. Now we’ve moved to another city where I already had a few friends, and we’ve all started a bunco girl’s night. It’s great because it’s planned one night a week and I’ve gotten to meet some new people. Maybe something like that would work for you, with old friends or new ones!

    • K

      I live in NYC (astoria, to be specific) and I really wish I had a closer-knit group of friends, rather than fb friends who invite me and 700 others to stuff but don’t care if I come lol Just not sure where to find people here who are compatible as friends the way it was back in college when you were surrounded by people in the same school/grade/major! Anyone in NYC looking for no-drama friends who understand what it’s like to be female and career oriented and assertive?!

      • AMN

        I am! I have such a hard time finding friends in New York, and frankly, most of my friends from earlier stages in life are no longer (or never were) on the career track.

    • Elizabeth

      My SATC gang is my old high school girl group. We get together two or three times a year, not nearly often enough, but I’m immensely grateful that we all make the effort and suffer the expense/inconvenience of traveling to see each other. I have to travel the farthest, as they’re all in California and I’m not, but a couple times they’ve traveled to see me. I’m a little introverted so it’s taken me a long time to make friends where I live now, but have a couple good friends I can call anytime to hang out with or make plans with. It was hard to initiate that first move, but I’m glad I did. I asked a co-worker I liked to attend a fashion show another co-worker was in, then together we signed up for a yoga class, now I can’t remember when we weren’t friends. But the older I get, the harder it is to forge those kind of relationships. You really do have to work at maintaining them.

    • Herbie

      I had a SATC-like group in law school. But none of us were married or had kids, mortgages, JOBS, etc. None of them live in my current city, but we keep up with phone calls, gchat, and Facebook. And they’re the type that I can talk to for the first time in months and feel like we just spoke yesterday.

      In my current city, I have a handful of girlfriends, but everyone is just at a different life stage. People are married and have houses and/or kids (or are in the process of trying to make those things happen). There are just a lot more constraints on people’s time. I like having things to look forward to, so I try to get lady dates on my calendar. Example: I’m having brunch with a friend this Sunday, have two dinners dates planned next week, and a dinner date planned the week after that. That helps me keep up with people, even if I only see them once a month. Plus, I do a lot of random e-mailing. Forwarded article links, gossip, recapping last night’s RHW, etc. So that makes me feel connected, too. OTOH, if I want to round up a group of people to head out to the bars tonight, that’s not going to happen.

    • Anon

      I can relate too. I was just talking to my boyfriend the other night about how I wished I had more friends. My sister is my best friend, and she lives nearby which is great. I have a few other friends I see irregularly, but I really ache for a core group of friends that sees each other more often than that. It’s tough when everyone is so busy! But I’ve joined a knitting group and a women’s group to try to branch out. Even though I haven’t made any BFFs through these groups, it’s so amazingly refreshing to talk to new, interesting people.

    • MissJackson

      I’m glad that you asked this.

      I definitely do not have friends like on SATC. My best friends are my college buddies, but we are scattered around the world and pretty much only see each other at weddings a couple times a year. When I was in law school, many of my college buds and I were in DC, and we definitely had a SATC vibe. It was wonderful! I moved away for my job to the city where I’m from. I love it here, but I do not have friends like that.

      Mostly, I have a friend who is the wife of one of my coworkers. They live in our neighborhood, and she’s tolerent of my ridiculous schedule. We hang out as couples and as just girls. But it’s sporadic at best. And it’s nothing like the large group of girlfriends that I’m used to.

      I’d really like to have more friends, but I’m not entirely sure where to find them, or when I would see them once I did find them. I just joined a running group to try to meet more people with similar interests, so maybe I’ll rally up some friends there.

      Glad to hear that I’m not alone.

    • Denise

      It has taken me most of my life to realize that it’s OK not to be like the TV people (whether that’s Leave it to Beaver or Sex and the City or Friends or Star Trek). I had one or two close friends in HS, maybe one at a time in college, and otherwise have lived my life with mostly more distant (emotionally) girlfriends. I have friends with whom I chat and laugh and lunch and drink, of course, but certainly not the kind of relationship that is the norm on TV or movies.

      With that said, my husband is my best friend (that sounds so corny and cliche, but it’s true) and even as a couple we’re not terribly social. I sometimes wonder who I would call if something happened to him and I needed a shoulder to cry on.

      But my point is that you should pursue girlfriend relationships if you truly want that. But if you just think it’s something you SHOULD have, don’t worry about it–it’s also normal to not have a tight group of bffs.

    • N.

      Ah, I’m glad you posted this too, because I’ve often watched SATC and felt the same insecurities (Where’s my girl gang? I am I just unable to maintain normal female friendships?). I’ve also moved a lot for work, and it seems that every 2 years or so my social network is pretty much destroyed by me moving/other people moving. It just takes a while to rebuild. I’ve been in my new city for about 8 months now, and I’m just now at the point where I have a few people whose company I actually enjoy, and I probably only see them once a month because of our respective schedules.

    • Research, Not Law

      Another person who was feeling insecure about this!

      I struggle with this, too. In my case, I was the one who stayed put while everyone else moved around. I’m not very good at keeping in contact, particularly after having children, but I do maintain good relationships with a couple of friends – mainly the ones who are also too busy to take offense! I admittedly have shied away making local friends, because every time I do, they move away for their career or their partners’.

      I do miss having someone to just call up to hang out. I have work friends. We have a few couples/families that we socialize with. I have some friends on online communities. But not that drop-in and share everything kind of friend. I can’t remember the last time I just sat around and blabbed with another woman over a glass of wine. It makes me very sad.

    • LinLondon

      So glad to see other people echoing this sentiment!! I moved to a different country five years ago and, while I have a lot of good friends, I’m conscious of the fact that I don’t have a best friend and, like Research said above, I miss the days when I could just call up a friend and hang out. It doesn’t help that people in London (at least among my friends) are so hyper-scheduled that friends have to be booked a month in advance. It’s compounded by the fact that, even if people in the UK aren’t from London, most of them move there, so most of the people around me have friends around that they’ve known for a decade and always have dozens of options. It’s hard to make friends as an adult.

    • Divaliscious11

      I did before husband, kids etc…. and moves for professional reasons. Now we do FB etc… and have a private group to have our chats and vents etc….

    • Anon IB

      So I am not the only one…This is me too.

      It’s partly my fault. I am not great at keeping in touch, and although I periodically had GFs / groups I was inseparable from in HS/college, I’ve long since lost touch with all of them. Combine that with a single minded focus on 70 hr/week jobs, and spending all available non-work/commute time with DH, and now kids, and I really haven’t developed more than a handful of close friendships since then. Two from a prior job, one or two from grad school, and, only one of those is in my state.

      I also think it’s really hard to find new girlfriends. No potentials at work (all guys); work/commute/family eats up lots of time; and I am not in ‘activities’ I’ve seen others cite (like church or civic groups). I do tons of networking for work, and am good at it, but I live 40+ miles from my office, so never make connections that I can convert to friends easily. I am told that once your kids get to school age, which we’re just getting to, you start to meet parents, but in our town there definitely seems to be a SAH/working mom thing going on. So we’ll see. But for now, it kind of makes me lonely, especially when I need support (like now).

      FWIW, I am amazed at how many of us have SOs who tease us about “having no friends”. I don’t know about you all, but it makes me feel like a rejected 5th grader all over again. :(

    • J

      Yes, but I’m not married, and all of my best girlfriends are also single. Once you get married it’s a whole ‘nother story. It’s normal that most of your social life focuses around your husband. Also, while I have dear, beloved friends who live far away, the girlfriends I keep up with the most are the ones who live in my city even though I haven’t known all of them for that long.

    • Anon D

      Original poster here. Thanks for all the replies! I do feel better knowing others feel this way. I realize I don’t really need advice on how to find friends- I just want assurance that it’s ok that I don’t have many. However, as ResearchNotLaw mentioned, it would be nice to have a girlfriend I can chat with anytime (and bash the hubby once in awhile!) What annoys me too is that while my husband makes fun of me for not having many friends, his so-called “close” friends don’t even know how to spell our last name. Meanwhile I have been friends with my close friends for 30 years. Anyways, thanks for the perspectives. I think this just varies with life stages and I look forward to the next one.

      • Andy

        I too find that the nature of friendship has changed over the years. I also worked with men, for the most part (technology area). Many of they became ‘work’ friends–and good ones. We could and did talk about issues related to raising children, work/poor managers, work/life problems, etc. Even once I became a manager myself, these work friendships kept me sane–although they had to adapt. I never had a female peer group at work. Other women in my life, from my kids’ school days, were either too busy/scheduled or were SAH moms who frowned at working moms. So it was just easier to talk with work friends.

        Of course that isn’t a good, long term solution. I’ve just retired, moved from the SF area to NYC–and sometimes feel like I’ve lost the ability to make friends. I think it takes situations that bring people together for extended periods of time, like dorms or classes or neighborhoods, so that closeness can develop over time. Now, I find that I must work harder to create such situations and even then, it is too easy to tell myself that I don’t feel comfortable and bail.

        Andy

        • maine susan

          I am 40+ years out of college and 35 out of law school. Have stayed in touch with both college friends and law school friends over the years and it warms my heart. Your girlfriends are with you forever. Husbands die; they divorce you. Girlfriends are with you forever. I’m 62 and made a new friend on the golf course this summer and it really warmed my heart to make a new friend at my age. Do not get so wrapped up in family that you fail to have women friends. It is really important in the long run.

          • anon

            I’ve had an increasingly hard time both forming friendships and making time to keep them up as I’ve taken on more responsibilities at work and had two kids. Work and the kids and house really do take up pretty much all my time. I rarely have an hour free to read a book, much less spend an evening with a woman friend. Also, as a full-time employed mom, I’m a bit of an odd duck in the community where I live. The vast majority of women with children either stay home or work part-time. There is definitely a social scene among the SAHMs, who get together during the day. It can be lonely.

  15. danielle

    so the boyfriend and i are planning a trip to NYC soon to do some shopping (he wants to check out uniqlo).

    i wanted to check out a few places for myself as well and was wondering what suggestions people have for places to visit – i’m looking mainly for stores that are significantly larger/well-stocked in NYC than any other area, stores only online and in NYC, stores that stock brands rarely found not online, and especially stores that have a more extensive petite section than they would in other areas. other non-clothing but fun store recommendations are also welcome!

    • Denise

      Jumping in here so I can check the follow-up box! My son lives in Brooklyn, so I’ve been to NYC several times. However, we usually shop for him (age 23) and he has no idea where to take me to shop for ME. I wander around. And uniqlo is fun but not quite me.

      My one suggestion is United Nude. They have crazy-unique shoes, and I just loved the name. It’s in or near SoHo.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I’ve lusted after their Bloc heels forever and finally went to try them on and they were far too narrow for my feet :-(

    • Little Lurker

      If you have to wander a little, the last time I was in Manhattan, I walked from Chinatown to Union Square, which is about 2 miles and ~40 minutes if you walk slow but don’t stop in any stores.

      If you DO want stop in all the stores, you can hit up Emmett McCarthy (sp?)’s place. He was on Project Runway a few seasons ago. I didn’t have time to go in, but there were like 6 stores on that walk I wanted to revisit.

      As a petite, shopping in Manhattan should be pretty simple for you.

      Have fun!

      • anon from below

        Emmett McCarthy’s store (EMC) is on Elizabeth! Great stuff. Agree that petite/small sizes are easy to find in Manhattan.

    • anon

      no specific store recs, but i suggest you spend an afternoon walking around Soho and most importantly the fringes of Soho, e.g. “Nolita” and Chinatown, the lower East Side. the main arteries of Soho are packed with familiar brands (Bloomies, French Connection, Patagonia, etc. etc.) but the streets further east and south have lots of interesting boutiques. Elizabeth Street, Mulberry, Bowery, Orchard, Allen, Kenmare .. etc. The shopping section of NYMag.com also has pretty good info.

      and SAMPLE SALES .. that really is a NY shopping treat. Go to TopButton.com or the NYMag shopping site and see what’s on the calendar. They can be hit or miss, but are definitely pretty unique to NY and if you’re lucky, you can get some great deals.

      have fun!

    • Lydia

      I suggest stopping by Century 21. There is one in the financial district and one on the upper west side. It has great deals on designer clothes – Tahari, Missoni, BCBG, Manolo Blahnik, etc. I went to the soft open if the upper west side store and thought it was great – and less crazy than the downtown store. There is a men’s section too in case your BF feels like shopping too.

      • kz

        The downtown one is seriously crazy. I’ve never actually managed to shop there because I walk in and get so frustrated that it takes 10 minutes to get through the hordes of tourists to get to the escalators that I just give up and go right back out. I had no idea there was one on the upper west–I may have to try this.

        • Lydia

          I walked out the two times I visited the downtown store. IMHO it is complete mayhem and not worth the deals. I had been going to the one in Paramus NJ. I could not resist checking out the new one on the UWS though. It was a ton better that the one downtown – I think it officially opens next week.

    • Esquirette

      Off the top of my head, H&M and Century 21. Seriously, practically all your standard stores are supersized in Manhattan, though. I hear there are some outlet stores in the city (AT in Times Square?) but these are outside my experience. I personally would look for sample sales too but they are outside my experience as well — I just get geumpy everytime I hear about one I would love to go to! There’s a soft spot in my heart for Bloomingdales but Macy’s is a pretty serious shopping experience. I would walk along Broadway from Union Square and along 3rd Ave downtown and along 5th Ave downtown from Central Park to hit H&M and tons of other stores and to stare at all the fabulously expensive shops! :). Seriously, wear comfortable shoes — Manhattan’s concrete is killer on touristy legs and feet!

  16. btsbsc

    any recs on where to get a gel/shellac manicure in the LA area (particularly in pasadena or north orange county)

  17. Anon

    This is a weird health question, but I often get cuts or ulcerations inside my mouth that take forever to heal and are painful (e.g., I bite my cheek. Instead of it healing within a two or three days, it can take much longer (7+ days)). Of course, stress exacerbates this. Does anyone have any good home remedies to speed healing? Rinsing with salt water?

    • ADL

      No thoughts to help you other than, does your health insurance company have a “call the nurse” line? They might be able to provide suggestions.

    • Ru

      I’m no medical expert but that sounds really not good. You should have that checked out by a doctor and/or dentist. Poor oral health is usually indicative of something majorly wrong with your health. From personal experience, I eventually realized that my molars were chipping and my excessive cavities were due to a condition that I needed surgery for. Of course, ymmv.

      In terms of what you can do at home – try changing your toothbrush more often and maybe a different toothpaste as well. Rinse with hot salt water, as hot and as salty as you can stand it. I’ve heard of people rinsing with hydrogen peroxide for pain (but I understand that it tastes vile). Good luck.

    • Emily

      Hi Anon – I’d recommend seeing a doctor, if you haven’t already, about your mouth ulcers, because they can be a symptom of more serious illness (my aunt had an illness and this was one of the symptoms). Plus, your doctor may have some advice on how to help them heal up quicker.

    • Elizabeth

      I have the same thing happen and in fact one has “calloused” over into a permanent bump inside my cheek, which of course means I bite it all the time. My dentist said he can snip it out and stitch it up (only one stitch required) next time I have any work done, or if it bothers me much before that happens. Of course he’d have it biopsied just in case, which I think is standard any time something is removed. I sympathize – it’s annoying and often uncomfortable.

    • SeaElle

      I would actually like to hear what other people say on this one. I bit the inside of my cheek a couple of times in the past month. No clue how it keeps happening but would love to know a quick solution!

    • Lyssa

      I’ve had this problem, and rinsing with peroxide really helps a lot. It tastes kind of gross (and it foams up like crazy when it hits your mouth), so I recommend doing it right before you brush your teeth at night.

      The only downside is that I think that I’ve built up a sort of immunity to it- when I first started doing it, it seemed to clear up even the worst ones in a day or two at the most, but now it doesn’t seem to work nearly as fast, but it still does help a lot. I’ve never found salt/saltwater to help.

      • Kanye East

        Peroxide is a great disinfectant, but it actually destroys new tissue growth. So as a preventative, it’s beneficial. But if you have an open sore, I’d steer clear for a while.

    • CA lawyer

      Some people are sensitive to sodium laurel sulfate, so getting an SLS-free toothpaste might help reduce the number of mouth ulcers. Most toothpastes have SLS, but Whole Foods sells SLS-free toothpaste.

      • 2L

        Is it possible that you’re grinding your jaw when you sleep? My husband had something similar to what you describe. The dentist recommended a mouth guard (we ended up buying one from the drugstore, not a custom fit one which was pretty expensive.) It seemed to do the trick. He doesn’t wear the mouth guard every night anymore, just during times where he’s under stress and he notices that he is getting sores/tight jaw, meaning that he’s grinding at night.

        • MelD

          I’ve gotten that recommendation as well. I’ve been told that if the edges of your tongue look scalloped, that probably means you clench your teeth when you sleep. I also have calluses/thicker skin now in the areas where I’d bite down on the gums and there is always a tiny bit of irritation. I use the sonicare and mouthwash at least once daily and that seems to help the sores heal quickly.

      • Mel

        I have to use a SLS free toothpaste (Sensodyne Pro-Enamel is the best one I’ve found) or I get canker sores. My guess is that when you bite your cheek the SLS is continuing to irritate the area and preventing it from healing. I would try a new toothpaste for a while and if you still have issues then go to the dentist or doctor about it.

    • 20YearsOfPractice

      This happens to me all the time (especially when I am stressed). I have been checked by my doctor and my dentist, but there is no underlying health issue. My dentist gave me a prescription antibiotic mouth wash to use when I first get a small sore that helps it heal faster and keeps it from becoming a huge painful sore.

      • KH

        When under stress I will get white-ish sores in the back of my throat that hurt bad. My doctor gave me Karafate – an old school ulcer medication, but for this purpose you swish and spit 2 – 3 times a day. It coats the area and the sores disappear in 1 -2 days. He told me what they were (can’t remember now of course) but said they were stress related and he used to get them when he was doing his ER residency and taking care of his dying father.

    • Sonya

      When I had braces I would get little ulcerated sores all the time. One thing that consistently worked to heal them was taking 1-2 garlic tablets – any OTC supplement. I don’t know why, but my mouth would always heal within a day or two of taking garlic. YMMV.

      • Sonya

        Hmm. Just googled “mouth sores garlic” and got this from the Livestrong website:

        “Allicin is the active ingredient of garlic, which acts as an antiseptic and contains antiviral and antibacterial properties.”

    • Another Anon

      Agree with the others about talking to a doctor, because it can be a symptom of something more serious.

      Otherwise: salt water rinse (warm, not hot), lemon water in the morning (1/2 lemon, in half a glass of water), apple cider vinegar (a couple of table spoons in a glass of luke warm water). All of these try to rebalance the Ph and bacteria in your mouth. Yogurt (unsweetened) may also help.

  19. Anne Shirley

    Ugh. Have billed 12 hours researching one provision of law and have found exactly nothing :(

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I hate that! If you are an associate, keep a detailed research log of all your search terms, and what specifically you have looked at. That is how you can prove to a partner that there really is no law on the matter and have him/her trust you.

      I usually write something like – I read the annotated statute, checked the digest index under these words, ran a westlaw search using these terms, checked this secondary source, ran these google searches etc.

    • Equity's Darling

      My firm has a “Research Checklist”, and unless I know it’s something I’ll definitely be able to find, I always use the checklist, so when I go to let the lawyer (since I’m an articling student) know where I looked, s/he can see my checklist and say “ah, well then there must be no law on the issue”, or I can write my memo saying “there is no law”.

      The checklist starts with Secondary Sources (texts, firm memo bank, CED/Halsbury’s, journals/cle materials, case digests, cases and legislation judicially considered), then has a Primary Sources (legislation, cases). As long as I’ve hit all those points and found nothing, then…there is nothing.

      Suffice to say, you are not the only person who spent an inordinate amount of time researching one thing today. Except mine was trite law, so there was no case authority- it’s just general legal knowledge. I finally found a Privy Counsel case from like 1870 that spoke to the issue, only after going to the research library when I was on the verge of screaming.

    • Em

      I have a fun story about this, in case it helps. There’s a partner at my firm who’s notorious for shoving impossible research assignments onto associates and insisting that their absolutely must be something on point (and coming out the right way), the associate just has to search harder and they will find exactly what he wants.

      He tried this once with an extremely meticulous new associate, now an equally meticulous partner. He wanted to find case law to support an argument he wanted to make related to property law. The associate and the partner went back and forth for a week. Finally the associate came to him, said he had found a case on point, and handed it over. It was a case from a Louisiana courts in the early 1800s making exactly the point he wanted about property, except the property in question was the plaintiff’s slaves.

      They haven’t worked together since.

    • Anonymous

      I find that skirt just confusing. And clothes don’t usually confuse me.

      • Herbie

        I feel like I should buy it just to wear as I walk into the office on April 1st.

    • Little Lurker

      MaggieLizer, was it you who was going to attempt the Zombie Princess Jasmine look?

      One of your friends on a smaller budget can wear this to be part of your harem.

      Aaaaand I’m done.

      • MaggieLizer

        Ooo zombie harem… I know what the theme for my Halloween party is going to be!

    • Research, Not Law

      I’m trying to imagine the event for which this would be appropriate…

    • Laura #2

      For some reason, this reminds me of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

    • MissJackson

      I think what I’m most perplexed by is the fact that it’s only available in size 6, which leads me to believe that it is SOLD OUT in other sizes. This blows my (apparently very sheltered) mind.

    • jcb

      I don’t understand. There is a whole community of people devoted to Anthropologie? The store?

    • anon

      Reading that made me sad for everyone who lost money and really glad that we have Kat running the show here.

    • Lucy

      I’m now adding Anthroblogging to my ongoing mental list of people who live really, really different lives from mine (also on the list: that couple who lived in a storage room at a mall for a while; my friend’s ex-wife’s sister who squatted with her partner and two small children in a rainforest in Hawaii 13 miles from the nearest road; the woman who blogs about her zero waste home, whose problems include what to do with contact lens packaging since the foil tops aren’t recyclable.)

      I like Anthropologie clothes, but cannot imagine joining an online community devoted to them. Corporette is a guilty enough pleasure for me!

  22. Anon

    Question for all of you lawyers (with the usual understanding that this does not constitute actual legal advice).

    We are living in a house that we rented from a nice couple. We have been paying our rent to a “X property management” which I assumed they were doing for tax reasons. There stuff was in the house when we toured it (they were moving down the block to a townhouse, I assumed they were downsizing for financial reasons)

    My husband heard from the neighbors that the couple was actually renting the house from someone else, so we are, as far as we know as of last night, actually subletting it. Doing some digging on the interent, there is no evidence that the couple owns the house, but there is plenty of evidence that someone else does.

    I am mildly freaking out, to say the least, as I really like the house. Our plan:

    1) Check with the couple as to their explanation for this
    2) If we are indeed subletting, ask for proof that the sublet is legal
    3) Contact the owners to introduce ourselves, and make sure that they are aware that the sublet is occuring, that we have been paying our rent to the couple, and that we are interested in continuing to pay rent in a timely and responsible fasion.

    We were thinking of doing all or part of this with the help of an attorney who understands our rights and responsibilities as tenants in our state (CA). I have reread the lease we signed — at no time was it ever mentioned that this was a sublease.

    Is there anything else you would do? Other than put away an emergency fund to move as quickly as we might need to?

    • karenpadi

      If you want to keep living there, I’d let sleeping dogs lie and not ask too many questions.

      If you want to get out of the lease early, I’d use this to try to get away without a penalty.

      Yes! You should definitely have an emergency fund to move quickly if needed.

    • also in CA

      I agree with karenpadi that if you want to stay and keep renting, let sleeping dogs lie (but be ready to leave at any time).

      You say you really like the house. If that means that you might be interested in buying it one day, then I might try to find the real owners and contact them directly. I would be clear that: (1) you didn’t know they existed until now; (2) you love their house; (3) you are model tenants; and (4) you would like an option to buy and is it possible to work that into your rental agreement.

    • anon

      I think it’s a good sign that you are paying your rent to X Property Management, and not to them directly. I wouldn’t ask too many questions.

    • J

      It sounds like they may have assigned the lease to you, rather than subleased. Otherwise, you’d be paying them, not the management. At any rate, if you’re concerned, you can always call the management company and ask questions. Whom do you call for repairs or other issues with the property?

      If you’re not concerned, then just let sleeping dogs lie but yeah, be prepared to move on short notice.

  23. anon for this!

    Need to celebrate!

    After struggling through some anxiety issues caused by BigLaw for two years, I did very well last billing year and exceeded my goal for the first time! (Billing year ends Aug. 31.)

    I never thought I’d recover but I. AM. JUST. SO. PROUD. OF MYSELF. RIGHT. NOW.

    My (current) firm has been incredibly patient and I am really glad I was able to show them that I could do it!

  24. N.

    Any academic Corporettes out there have some advice about putting together a “teaching portfolio” or “teaching dossier” for applying for tenure track jobs? I have a few example portfolios, but the format and content seems to vary quite a bit. I’m also concerned that what I have drafted so far is too long — I tried to make my “statement of teaching philosophy” as concrete as possible using specific examples, but the examples take up a lot of space (I’m trying to avoid ending up with some vague thing about “critical thinking”). Maybe reformat the content I have with some bullet points and highlighting to make it more skimmable?

    • KA

      I like dossiers that are mostly useful samples (i.e. one or two sample syllabi of a course you’d be likely to teach, a few recent teaching evaluations [just the summative numbers, *not* the original forms w/comments], maybe an innovative assignment you’ve done). I don’t think you want longer than a one-page statement of your philosophy — hiring committees read the original letter and the vita most carefully, IMHE. What’s definitely not useful — random comments/letters from students in the portfolio. Good luck.

      • N.

        Thanks in particular for this advice about random student comments — my partner has been suggesting that I include a few sample comments from evals, but I’ve been resisting because I feel like cherry picking a few comments adds no credibility. I feel more confident in ignoring his (well intentioned) advice now.

    • econ prof

      In my dept., when we say teaching portfolio or the like, we really just want the teaching evaluations from students in their entirety. We spend a lot more time looking through those than reading a statement of teaching philosophy or sample syllabi, etc.

    • anon

      The advice I have received is that it depends on where you are applying. Most research unis care that it is written. Teachings unis put more weight on this.

      This website is about UGA’s teaching portfolio certificate for graduate students. I think it is a good template to use. You may not want to put in all of these components, but it might help you to think about your portfolio. http://www.ctl.uga.edu/teachingassistant/portfoliocomponents

      The most effective teaching philosophies that I’ve seen talk about the candidate’s prospective courses and how her research is related those courses. Bolding key phrases makes it skimmable.

    • Anon

      There’s a widely-used rubric for creating teaching philosophies. Google around a bit and you’ll find dozens of instruction guides and samples.

    • brooke

      I think 1-2 pages is fine for the teaching philosophy, given that part of that space is taken up by the examples. Concrete examples are great. With the rest of the materials, I agree with the comment that summarized ratings would be ideal, versus having every single evaluation. Perhaps that varies by area, but in psychology if you taught a few sections of a 101 class you’d have nearly 1000 evals. In my experience we really don’t look at the evals more beyond just making sure things look reasonable, and most of our time is on the letters of recommendation and teaching philosophy.

      • brooke

        (although econ prof might mean the group eval from that class in its entirety vs. individual sheets)

        I forgot to add, but in the end you’re never going to be able to know exactly what a department would prefer, but I don’t think you should freak out about it. If we like a candidate, we tend to forgive a lot of minor things. There have been times where we were missing a couple of recommendation letters and we followed up on that way past the deadline because we liked everything so much otherwise. People freak out over whether you should staple things or not, use a certain type of paper, etc. Don’t lose sleep over these things — focus on content.

        • N.

          I’m trying not to sweat the small stuff, but it’s easy to get a little crazy in the face of so much uncertainty. I haven’t started freaking about types of paper yet, but I do send my letter writers personal reminders before every single deadline — I have a few absentminded professors who have forgotten to send off letters for me before!

    • N.

      Thanks for all of the advice. After mulling it over for a bit, I think I’ll include the teaching philosophy statement, a sample exercise that won a teaching award, a table summarizing numerical evaluations and one complete set of student comments from a seminar course (comments from a small course will be about one page). I might add in a sample syllabus as well for more teaching oriented jobs.

      Hopefully that will be broad enough to cover all my bases without being annoying long. I really wish that hiring committees would be more specific about what they’d like to see, though, instead of asking for something vague like “evidence of teaching effectiveness.” Sigh!

      • anon

        If they’re being vague, you could contact the chair of the committee. I’d do a “Hi. I’m applying. I was going to include this as evidence of teaching. Are there other items that you are interested in seeing?”

        With more nice words, of course.

        • N.

          I actually did email the chair of the search committee for that particular one, and didn’t get a reply! Thankfully the Corporette hive mind is much faster at responding to my queries than the committee chair…

  25. Clerk

    Any law clerks/former law clerks out there?

    I recently accepted a clerkship with a district court judge in a major city and am totally thrilled about it. I’d love to hear any experiences/advice you guys have!

    • North Shore

      Get in the courtroom as much as possible. I learned so much from watching lawyers in the courtroom (and then hearing the judge’s opinion of their performance afterward). And be sure to make connections/network with the folks in the courthouse, as that’ll come in handy later.

  26. Anon3

    Upcoming interview at a Silicon Valley company – what do I wear if it says business casual? Coming from a formal business environment. Would welcome any ideas.

    • karenpadi

      I’m at a Silicon Valley law firm. Even though it is business casual, interviews are not (at least for the interviewee). I’d wear a more minimal look (less jewelry, fewer accessories) but still a suit. Girly or feminine is not how you want to be described to a bunch of male engineers.

      Specifically, I’d wear a grey or black pantsuit with a shell (bright, solid color or a traditional pattern). The shell will keep you cool if you walk to lunch (pretty likely). Simple heels (e.g., solid color pumps without embellishment) and clean make-up. I would wear small, understated jewelry.

    • KH

      Where is LPC? Lisa, our guest poster from this week. She is in Silicon Valley – you can go over to her site and ask her!

    • Another Anon

      I’d probably wear a suit, and knock it down a notch by wearing a patterned blouse, a statement necklace instead of pearls, and flats. I’d definitely expect to take off my jacket over lunch.

      (I’m in Silicon Valley, and actual business casual is khakis and a button-up shirt, usually blue or striped, but interviews are different.)

      • LadyEnginerd

        Just wanted to say that I think this advice is right on, especially to plan on taking the jacket off over lunch, and on wearing more comfortable shoes. I just had a (successful!) interview where I had a 10-15 minute all-terrain hike to lunch and my feet are still torn up and unhappy. When people dress informally every day, they forget that women in heels might not appreciate taking the ‘shortcut’ dirt path :)

        It has never been awkward when I’ve interviewed (in a suit) with people dressed informally (shorts, even one in board shorts). They want to know that you’re *capable* of presenting yourself formally for the rare occasion that’s appropriate :)

  27. Laura #2

    So, I somewhat asked this earlier in the week and am wondering if I could get a few more weekend opinions: what non-heel shoes do you wear with bootcut cords come winter? Or bootcut jeans, for that matter? I know someone asked this earlier and a lot of people were talking about heels, but 1) I don’t have pants with a long enough inseam for that and 2) I want to wear something with socks to keep the snow out of my shoes. Yes, it’s September and I am thinking about snow. Clearly, I’m a Midwest girl :)

    Thanks!

    • Lyssa

      For casual wear, I love my Timberland boots- I can’t find a link, but I have the standard ankle high ones that everyone had 10 years ago. They’re very warm, very water-resistant, and super-comfortable, and I think they look really nice with bootcut jeans (I don’t have cords, but I’m sure they’d work, too.)

      Also, those things are built like a tank- I’ve had mine for about 10 years, and the only real wear is to the laces, other than a few marks on the leather. (Notably, I don’t wear them very often, because I live in the south and they are very casual, but they are certainly well-made.)

    • Research, Not Law

      http://www.zappos.com/trotters-jenn-black-soft-tumbled

      Yeah, yeah, I know you think I’m crazy. But I hunted for a long time for the same kind of shoe you’re describing (but rain instead of snow), and these fit the bill perfectly. They aren’t so pretty by themselves, but they look great peeking under slacks and nice denim and are so insanely comfortable.

    • Esquirette

      I think almost any kind of shoe goes with bootcuts as long as long as the shoe heel height is appropriate for the length. I’ve worn my bootcut jeans/pants/cords with everything from sandals, to fashion sneakers/fun flats, to dressy flats, to heels, to boots (flat and heeled, as appropriate) — both pointier and rounder toed shoes look good. I have bootcuts with different hem lengths — my shoe choices for pairing are governed by that. Like what people suggested to me the other day re: flares (which I totally rocked today on a casual Friday!), the hem should be long enough to cover most of the shoe so you don’t look like you’re wearing floods. So just find shoes you like and go for it! Maybe some of ladies on here could suggest where you could find pants with longer hem lengths that would give you more flexibility (not one of my fashion challenges :) ). Good luck!

      • Laura #2

        The grass is always greener, isn’t it? :) I honestly got excited when I needed to have a pair of pants hemmed last month because that had never happened before. I have a 35-36″ inseam with flats so avoiding the flood look with heels can be challenging.

        When you say boots, do you mean ankle boots? I feel like anything higher would show underneath the leg of the pants.

        And, of course, glad you were able to rock the flares! :)

        • Esquirette

          I’ve worn numerous pairs of both mid-calf and knee leather high boots under bootcuts — everything from Doc Martens to designer. I really like Corso Como right now for good looking flat boots that work with pants and skirts. Unless your pants are seriously tight around the top half of your calf, which bootcuts generally aren’t, you won’t see the top edge of the boots. I’ve never really worn short ankle boots, and I feel like my hem would just get caught on them and I’d look dorky. I do like the look with skinner jeans kind of tucked in or ending slightly about but it’s not a work look (for me at least). I don’t know what your price point is but higher end jean lines have long hem lengths – easily 36″. I find my size in store and generally hunt eBay and shopping websites (e.g., RueLaLa, ideeli, etc) to find them much cheaper. Let me know, and I’ll save up my cut off hems and send them to you to add some stylish cuffs! ;)

          • Esquirette

            Also, I don’t have personal experience with them but a lot of people here have commented on how nice La Canadienne boots are and I think that they were good for winter weather work-wear too.

    • EM

      I think these look better with wider-leg jeans rather than bootcuts per se, but I love my Haflinger felted wool clogs. Yeah, it’s a clog, so I don’t wear it when there is snow I’ll have to walk through. I wear furry boots for that. :)

    • a lawyer

      To keep the snow out, you will have to have flat, short boots. Merrell makes some nice looking ones, as does Born. I bought some Gabor boots (UK sizing) last year with a slight heel, but they may make some flat boots. They are really nice looking, dressier than most boots.

  28. Porter

    Ladies – Can you please recommend a nice padfolio for holding resumes for interviews/holding notepads at work. Thanks!

  29. Sydney Bristow

    I’ve been feeling for awhile like I need a break from city life and need an escape. I’m thinking about going to Connecticut next month and staying at a B&B by myself. My plan is to take the train from NYC and I can rent a car if necessary to get somewhere away from the train stops. Does anyone have any suggestions on where to stay or what to see?

    • Mackie

      No suggestions, but I have always wanted to go away for a weekend alone! Sometimes you really just need to get away from everyone/everything!

      • Sydney Bristow

        Yes, I’ve just completely hit my limit with crowds of people and noise. I love NYC, I really do, I just need to be in the middle of nowhere for awhile (or at least somewhere that feels like it). I said it earlier this week that 3 days alone in the middle of nowhere would be heaven, so I’ve decided to do something about it!

        • Kanye East

          A lot of upstate NY towns have been hit HARD by Irene flooding; I don’t know about CT, but, obviously, look into that before you go.

    • Lydia

      How about heading east to the North Fork of Long Island. Easy to get to from NYC. Greenport in particular is such a cute little town and there are a lot of wineries and farms. I visited last fall and loved it.

      • SoHo

        Second this! I went to North Fork off-season (last January) with DBF and absolutely loved it! Stayed at an adorable B&B, The Morning Glory in Greenport, and went on a wine tour. There are great restaurants out there (a lot of former NYC restaurant owners / chefs that wanted to escape to the country). We rented a car and drove from NYC, but definitely could have taken the LIRR or bus. Enjoy your trip, wherever you end up!

    • Divaliscious11

      A bit out of the way but, absolutely worth it, is The Spa at Norwich Inn …….

      • CN

        I second The Spa at Norwich Inn and also would add The Bee and Thistle B&B in Old Lyme.

    • Anonymous

      Hmmm. DC is so beautiful but I hear Salem, MA is great at Halloween. And you could always fly Porter from Newark to Toronto!

    • Ann

      It would definitely be more expensive, but you might want to consider a destination spa. They are great for solo getaways.

    • Sydney Bristow

      Thanks for the suggestions! Please keep them coming! The Bee and Thistle place is winning me over right now.

      • CN

        Oh good! Glad you like it. Should you decide to go there, you have to check out the Book Barn (just what it sounds like- a rustic old barn converted to a bookstore- complete with free cider and cats sleeping in the stacks) and Cafe NV. Also there’s the Griswold museum right next door to The Bee & Thistle where you can peruse CT maritime paintings.

        • Sydney Bristow

          You may have just completely won me over with apple cider and cats :-) I wish I could go right now!

    • Herbie

      No suggestions, just wanted to say good for you! I went on a week-long vacation by myself this summer, and it was beyond fantastic. Wouldn’t hesitate to do it again. Have fun and pamper yourself.

      • Sydney Bristow

        Aw thanks so much! I’ve never been on a solo vacation before. Any advice? I’m good at going to see movies alone, but I don’t typically go to restaurants alone so I’m a little nervous about that.

        • Amy H.

          For me, a book or a Kindle makes all the difference. . . I then love dining alone.

        • Herbie

          Yeah, I just took a book with me and thought of my meals as times to just enjoy some good food, a quality glass of wine / beer, and a fun read.

  30. Anon for this

    Had to share… just got eyelash extensions today. I admit that everyone’s comments here made me do it. Even the negative ones! I LOVE them!!!

  31. Looking for sisterhood

    I could really use someone to msn with. No female friends who are young lawyers so it’s be cool to have someone to talk to about looking for black shoes on yoox and sales on French cuff shirts. Any takers? I’m in my early twenties, first year lawyer, I read comic books.

    • Lynnet

      I’d be interested in trying it out, but I don’t have msn and am leery of getting it. Would Skype or chat work instead? I’m in my mid-twenties, graduated law school in May and am looking for a legal job. I’m very geeky, but don’t read comic books (not out of snootiness, I just have trouble processing words and pictures at the same time).

      • Looking for sisterhood

        Sounds like we could be a good match. Most of my friends got engineering degrees so they’re at completely different places professionally than me right now, it would be lovely to talk to another young lawyer. Drop me a line at mika772010@ hotmail. Com :)

    • J

      Why not arrange a Corporette meetup in your city (or attend the Boston or DC ones that are being planned)?

  32. Equity's Darling

    How does everyone deal with people you work with not pulling their weight?

    I’m articling right now with two other students, both male. One of them has a young family, and so always leaves pretty early, and never takes on huge projects (which I understand, but at the same time…I don’t think it’s quite fair). The other, while single and childless like myself, has taken it upon himself to be the ‘partier’, so shows up late to work half the time, and leaves pretty early on a regular basis.

    I’m getting frustrated because in addition to doing my work, I’m doing at huge amount of their work also. As in, I’ve worked every weekend, both days, since the weekend before labour day, and will have to do so until after Thanksgiving. My firm sells itself as a ‘lifestyle’ firm, so this is not what I signed up for.

    I get good reviews on my work, and I know that part of the reason I get so much work is because the partners think I’m diligent, and do good work, but I’m worried that it’s getting to the point where I have so much to do that my work will start to slip.

    Today, the single male student went golfing all afternoon, while I ran around doing the work that he was supposed to do, while he was golfing. He neglected to get several orders, called me to say “do you have time to do them?”, I said no, because I didn’t, then he left the orders on his assistants chair, so the lawyer called me to say “well, you have to go, because he’s gone for the day”. So, now it’s 6:30 on a Friday, and I will definitely be here until midnight, to make up for my afternoon at the courthouse begging judges for orders. While he’s been golfing all afternoon, and is probably now having steak, and rye and coke at a golf course in the mountains.

    What’s a girl to do?

    • EM

      I apologize if I sound harsh. Why on Goodness’ Green Earth are you doing other people’s work?!? What can you possibly have to gain, other than a reputation as a doormat who will do the slacker’s work? Are you afraid something negative will happen to you if they fail to do their jobs? Are you all evaluated as a group somehow? (I’m not a lawyer, so I have no idea what articling is.)

      People who don’t pull their weight are nearly always found out and don’t last very long (unless it’s the boss’ nephew or whatever). At best, you’re just prolonging the inevitable. At worst, you’re sabotaging yourself.

    • Em

      Is there any kind of supervisor, buddy, or mentor you were assigned? If so, I think you need to go to them and explain the situation. Filling in occasionally – if they fill in for you occasionally – is one thing. But this situation is both ridiculous and unsustainable.

      I wouldn’t approach the supervisor with blame for the other two. Just explain the amount of work you’ve ended up with without assigning fault; if it’s out of proportion to what everyone else in the firm is doing, which it sounds like it is, the point will be obvious. Honestly, if it’s a lifestyle firm, everyone else won’t know you’re in the office 24-7 because they’re not. You have to tell them.

      (Of course, if it’s not actually a lifestyle firm – if everyone else is working those hours except the other two articlers – you might be stuck. Take consolation in the fact that your colleagues are screwing themselves, it will be noticed, and you can go get a much better job once you’re – what? – one year period is up.)

      • Equity's Darling

        That’s a good point about people not knowing I’m in the office 24-7, because literally no one is. I was there last night, and by 6, the 2.5 floors we have were cleared out. Except for a couple of assistants having a drink in one of the boardroom (yes, firm sanctioned).

        • Herbie

          Yeah, definitely tell someone about how much you’re working. I discovered that my partners really couldn’t tell the difference between when I was working 100 hours a month and 300 hours a month. They just weren’t paying that much attention to me.

    • Esquirette

      You should discuss your work levels with the firm. If it’s a life style firm, are the attorneys working the kind of hours you are? If they are, then you are likely doing what the firm expects of you and it’s your slacker colleagues who are not. In any case, you are likely viewed upon more favorably than them and, as you suggested, are who people are turning to to get work done. So that’s good! The firm where you article is usually where you hope to be hired at afterwards, right? So I think you’re likely securing a job offer. Still, not good for your workload and mental health. Do you have a mentor or a senior associate/partner who you are relatively close to or have worked extensively for? If not, then a practice group leader or office/firm leader involved in recruitment? You could ask for an evaluation and say you want to discuss your practice, both of which would be good to discuss, and, in that context, discuss your workload and stresses. You would focus on you and what you are doing, rather than what your colleagues aren’t. Unless the person you talk to doesn’t work with any of you at all, I doubt it will be difficult for the reality of the situation to become apparent. Law firms are notoriously gossipy about people who aren’t perceived to be working as hard as others.

      I would seriously consider talking to the “partier” tomorrow to let him know what happened and not to dump his sh*t on you again. Of course he knew you’d get stick with it — don’t let the a**hole treat you like a doormat! (Grumble, grumble – I’m now seriously peeved on your behalf and to significantly PG my suggested remarks!)

      P.S. Woot, Canada! Long time ex-pat here from E-town.

      • Equity's Darling

        Yay! I was just up there for fringe fest in August! And the CBA Conference in January- good gracious, that place is even colder than Calgary, AND there was snow covering half the road in the cities, because they couldn’t get rid of it. At least it doesn’t snow much here….though it is still cold.

    • eM

      Forget complaining to the powers that be about this guy. You could easily come off sounding whiny, particularly if they aren’t really aware of how hard you’re working (and even if they are aware; it is your job to manage your work flow). I myself would probably just b!tch his a$$ out on Monday – set things right with your peers. You don’t work for him. What did he think he was doing, slacking on his work and expecting you to do it? Hells no. It is not your job to enable his joining the boys club. If you golf, then the next time an invitation comes around, he does your work while you take the afternoon off. If you don’t, well, you can come up with something. He needs to make amends.

      Aside from this incident – the next time you are asked to work on a project, just say no if you are too busy. “I’m sorry, I have too much on my plate, I couldn’t get this done in a reasonable timeframe for you. Perhaps XYZ could help you, I think he isn’t that busy”.

      • Esquirette

        I agree with the point eM made in her last paragraph about being honest about whether you have the capacity to take on a new project. Definitely do this. However, word to the wise: Be careful about suggesting other people to do work in your place. I did this once because I was so frustrated over a particular partner always giving annoying non-bill projects to only certain associates while one associate in particular never got any and was free to bill his little heart away. So, after one too many such projects, I turned one down and recommended the other associate out of frustration (via email, unfortunately!), and the email got forwarded to said associate (innocently – as “do you have time?”) , and he and I ended up having a bit of a tete-a-tete over it and it’s affected our relationship ever since. It would have been more appropriate for me to just simply say that I didn’t have capacity. Take home: If you suggest other people to do work you turn down, it can seem like you are doling out work to your peers — if you wouldn’t like to be on the receiving end of this kind of thing, it’s best not to do it yourself. Even if it’s about being more fair about work distribution, that’s your boss’s job.

    • J

      Have you read NGDGTCO? Because really, I know it’s cliched at this point, but she has specific advice for situations exactly like what you describe.

    • M

      I think you’re to the point where you need to put your foot down about doing other people’s work. I had something similar happen at my work- some people (senior to me) don’t pull their weight and I end up having to do their work for them. We had someone transfer out of my office and I made it clear before the work was redistributed that I was not going to be taking over any of that work without a requisite bump in pay. There’s no money for that in the foreseeable future, but while I look for a new job at least I can have a manageable workload.

    • Lucy

      On Monday, go toe-to-toe with golfing guy, tell him he added hours of work onto your plate, and say, “Repeat after me: never again.” Then offer to throw his golf clubs in the river if he forgets. In a semi-joking way.

      I mean, IMO. :) Ymmv.

    • Equity's Darling

      Thanks for everyone’s replies!

      Just to clarify the whole ‘articling’ thing, I’m not doing ‘their’ work per se, it’s more ‘the articling students’ work. Articling is a one year period in Canada, where you are with a firm (paid), and you try lots of different areas of law while supervised by a principal. So, even though we each have one principal, we all get work from all the lawyers in the firm.

      Certain things- like orders from judges- just have to be done, and an email is sent out to all students, so when both are MIA, it falls to me. So when he failed to get the order and left it with his assistant, the assigning lawyer then sent out a group email, at which point, everyone else was MIA, so I HAD to go do it.

      So, more than anything, I’m just doing a larger % of the work than I should be as compared to the other two. Again, partially because I’m well liked and apparently do good work (according to feedback), but also because neither of them is pulling their weight.

      I think everyone’s advice to talk to the partier will indeed happen, and if nothing changes, I’ll try talking to a younger associate who has taken it upon herself to be available for the students and help us out (which is much appreciated on a variety of levels). She might have some good advice about who in the firm to talk to about evening out workload between the students- whether it’s my principal, or the student coordinator, or just to tell the lawyers when they come to give me work.

      • Canadian

        As someone who is fresh from articling: articling will end (although I know right now there is no end in sight). Hopefully when it comes to hireback time, your firm will have realized who was pulling their weight, and who wasn’t.

      • CSF

        And supervisors will see who is pulling the weight, even when they’re not physically in the office. Make sure the emails you send out are not whining, but very clear. “I took this to the judge at x time, it is taken care of.” Or “X task is finished, and ready for your review.”

        If all the emails of completion are coming from you, they know. They’ll also see the time stamp and realize you’re at work at 9:00 on a Friday night, etc. They see and realize more than you know.

      • Another Anon

        Document, document, document. The problem is that if partier is out partying with partners, they’ll see more of him than they see of you. They will not see how much work you do, unless you document it & keep them in the loop.

        I’m a big fan of the reporting email, for our summer associates. Once a week, put out a quick email to the folks you work for (especially if you work for more than one) that lists everything you got done that week, and everything already on your plate for next week. It keeps them from overloading you, and will also make them realize how much of the overall workload is being done by you. Good luck!

        • Equity's Darling

          This is a really great idea, I might talk to the other students and the student coordinator to see whether we can do it as a group, but otherwise, I’ll just do that for the lawyers I’m doing work for- I’m sure they’ll appreciate the updates on their files regardless!

    • Niko

      I’d be interested to know how you end up dealing with this problem and what results from it. Please do post an update sometime.

      • Yes

        Yes. PLEASE report back.

        I really like the idea of the regular “here is what I am working on” email, copied to everyone for whom you are working and the summer associate coordinator (or whoever). Also, are you recording your hours. Won’t someone notice that you are actually billing while Mr. Party Guy is not?

        • Equity's Darling

          We record our hours (since we are actually billed out to clients), but we’ve been told by everyone that they do not factor in whether we are hired back- as in, when they send out the bills, our hours are looked over by the billing lawyer on each file, but there is no point every month when one person looks over our total hours and gives us feedback.

    • Clueless summer

      I’m not articling yet but I just finished my summer and I found a very similar thing happened to us, although on a larger scale (the three women taking the work that came out at 6:00 pm on a Friday, while the guys never did). we felt that we were being judged as a group, which as summers, I think we were, although articling is different…and especially if there are 3 of you…likely only one is getting hired back. What my very excellent, very successful female mentor told me was that a) the lawyers know much more than we think they do and they will judge accordingly and b) you are getting a much better experience than they are in terms of variety of work, exposure to people in the firm of all levels, etc. Now we are NOT, by any means, a lifestyle firm, lol, but I think in some ways that advice applies. I would call out both other articling students, even the one with the family, because he could be working from home, but keep a good attitude with the lawyers and keep taking the work as it comes, if you want a job at the end of this.

      • Equity's Darling

        I’m in the West, at a firm where every articling student has been hired back for the past…7 years or so. It’s a national firm, but unlike many, we only hire as many articling students as we can keep.

        So, I’m not especially worried about being hired back, because I’m 90% sure that I will be- especially given the so far positive feedback- unless I burn down the building, or push a client down the stairs or something else equally as ridiculous.

        That being said, the point about getting better experience is true, I already get higher lever work than the other two, so that’s good. I just worry that at some point my work will slip, and I’ll stop being given more interesting work, because I can’t produce, because I have too much on my plate.

  33. kz

    Inspired by a bunch of tv shows I’ve been watching with really gorgeous red-headed actors (several of whom are naturally blond like me), I’ve been toying with the idea of dying my hair red (probably a deeper, auburny red) once my summer tan fades and I’m back to winter pasty pale. Here’s the thing: I’ve never touched my hair with dye (well, except for purple streaks for about 3 weeks around Halloween one year in high school). I have no idea what this would look like and quite frankly no idea how hair dye really works. So a couple of questions:

    1)Would it be totally weird in a professional setting to show up one day with a completely different hair color? Sure, people do highlights and low lights and whatever, but I feel like most people who dye their hair started long before their professional careers, so it’s not like you show up one day with a completely different hair color. Would this be somehow too weird?
    2) What if I get it dyed and it turns out I hate it? Is there some dye that fades quickly enough that I wouldn’t have to dye it back to my natural color?
    3) How much would it even cost in New York to get it professionally died (because clearly I would mess it up if I tried to do it myself)
    4) Anyone have a good website or something where you can upload a photo of yourself and “test” what different hair colors would look like on you? (like photoshop on the internet, I guess)
    5) Any thoughts on how I could tell if red would work on me before I dye it? For reference, I’m blond, quite pale in the winter (and quite tan in the summer, which is why I wouldn’t dye it in the summer since how many tan redheads do you know), green eyes, and super pale eyebrows. My skin can have reddish undertones, so I’m worried it would just make those look even redder.

      • RK

        have you looked into wigs?
        Also, if you are going ways away from your natural color, you need to consider how the color will look as your roots show. I have dark brown hair and during the two years I had it colored (highlights, then eventually red undertones), I had to go in every two months ($$$$) for touch ups.
        You could also ask about colored glazes for your hair – my stylist would glaze the hair before applying color and when I stopped coloring, he would still glaze my hair (less expensive than full on color) and use a reddish toned glaze.

        • kz

          a wig. brilliant. Not sure why I didn’t think of it, but that would be the obvious way to try it out, wouldn’t it?

          Thanks for the suggestions, everyone. I’ll let you know what I decide in a couple of months.

    • conbrio

      I would say go to a very good colorist for your first time – make an appointment for a consultation and talk about what shade would work best for you, then don’t make any decisions until you go home and mull it over.

      That said, I LOVE the at-home haircolor I use. I get it at Whole Foods and it’s cruelty-free and made from natural ingredients, and much less damaging than everything else I’ve tried. It’s called Naturcolor, and the color I use is 7R: Turmeric Blonde, which (despite its name) turns my dark blonde hair into a very pretty coppery red. In my experience, the hardest thing about dying your hair red is that it tends to get kind of pink, which looks harsh and unnatural. The Naturcolor has never gone pink on me, and I’ve used it for probably 7 or 8 years. Even the people at my salon can’t get over how natural it looks. Whole Foods and other places that sell it should have swatches that you can hold up next to your face.

      Also be aware that you will probably have to change your makeup and maybe even some of the clothes you wear if they would clash with your red hair. It might be a good idea to go to a department store cosmetics department and talk to some people there about what kinds of makeup changes you might want to make.

      My final two cents about going from blonde to red: as a blonde I found that more people noticed me, and as a redhead I find that more people remember me. Also, it just feels like me. I love it and encourage you to give it a try! Good luck!

    • Anon for this

      I considered going red because I dye my hair a dark brown (to cover greys) but by the end of the 6 weeks, it “pulls” red anyway. My stylist (of 10 years!) cautioned me because he said it can be difficult to go away from red in cases like mine where my hair wants to go red. So be aware that you may fight the red ever after. I decided to keep going dark brown, fwiw.

    • CN

      The thing I would say about coloring “virgin” hair is that you can never go back. There’s really no “dying it back to my original color” because dye fades over time and the color on the ends will be very different from your roots growing in. If you have short hair this will be easier to deal with but on long hair it’s hard to grow out.

      • fitz

        a note on virgin color that is more funny than relevant… Until last October I had been highlighting my hair every 3 months or so since I was thirteen. I am now 21… yeah a long time…..

        Last October I got bored and decided to dye it a very pretty dark brown with auburn tints… then never once re-dyed it… Only in April when a stranger commented on how similar my brother and my coloring was did any of my family realize that I was back to my “natural hair color” Something we hadn’t seen since I was 13 and is much much darker than it was then.
        Now I’m waiting to pick a time to dye my hair a pretty honey blonde because I’m bored of the brown.

        Now for slightly relevant commentary!
        My mom always says that hair grows back or can be cut off and there is no reason not to experiment with it. I personally think it’s a good toy and that if anyone asks why you changed your hair color just tell them you wanted to try something new
        Good Luck!!

        • Sydney Bristow

          I had a similar experience! I colored my hair blonde for years (since I was 14 or 16 I think). Last Christmas, I let my sister color it a dark brown with a semi-permanent color. About 8 weeks after that I went and bought the same color to do it again, but I still haven’t done it. Weirdly it didn’t totally wash out and the color that it ended up completely matches my roots. I accidentally colored it the same color as my natural hair color, which I had completely forgotten about. I’m leaving it for now because it is way cheaper than going blonde in the salon and I actually really like it.

    • Sue

      So, I just did that — blond highlights on Friday, Monday came in as a redhead. Got a ton of compliments, but everyone noticed (so that might be good or bad). The one thing about going red is that it is a lot of maintenance because it fades faster than any other color. The wig idea is a good one. By the way, with your pale eyebrows, if you do go red, make sure your colorist does your brows as well.

  34. Anonymous

    PSA: I took a limo home from the airport last month and paid with a credit card. Now the limo company is billing me the same change every month! I called VISA and the charges were reversed and I’ve got a new VISA card, but it’s apparently a common scam!

    I consider myself pretty savvy and this was a big limo company. Be careful out there!

    • SoCal Esq.

      ugh… how terrible. good thing you caught it right away. thanks for the warning!

  35. Erin (formerly Ruby)

    You guys, I just have to put in a plug for Eyefly. I have no affiliation with them other than that I just bought glasses there. They had trouble processing my credit card; when I called customer service an actual person in their office answered on the second ring and she was so helpful. I ordered my glasses on Tuesday with standard shipping expecting to receive them in 10 days or so; they shipped on Wednesday and I got them today! The virtual try-on feature on their site is fantastic – much better quality than other glasses sites – and I am so happy with the frames I picked. The color is true to what’s shown on the site and the frames seem very high quality. They had a $10 off promotion so I paid a grand total of $93, including shipping.

    I had bought from one of Eyefly’s competitors before and I ended up returning the frames. I have nothing bad to say about the competitor, but Eyefly’s selection is much greater and the quality seems to be much greater too. I am super happy with them. Just wanted to put in a plug because I’m so excited. They sent me a 10% off coupon with my order so I will be ordering sunglasses soon too.

    • Equity's Darling

      Just got home, but I’m still working. It is going to be a loooong weekend. And not the good kind of long weekend, that involves spending 3 days in the mountains. I mean 2 days of serious distress.

      Indeed, hugs around.

  37. Almost PegLeg

    Has anybody ever had to wear an aircast/walking bootie/walking brace on their foot or leg? It’s looking like I will need to wear one for the next 2-3 weeks for a stress fracture in my toe, and I have NO idea what sort of shoe I will be able to wear (or should wear) on the other foot.

    A heel as normal? Flats? A tennis shoe to balance out the size of the boot on the other foot? Anybody have insight into this? The doctor didn’t tell me much about it today.

    • Circe

      Wear a nice flat/very low sturdy heel. It will make getting around so much easier. I know this game.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I haven’t done it since I was in high school, but I wore flip flops at the time. I think that fabric flats would work well too because they would stretch around the air cast. Heal quickly!

    • Annie

      I had one for 9 weeks last fall. I found that the best shoe was a short heel (I wore wdges that were about 1 -2 inches) so that my noninjured foot was at he same height as my boot.

      • TackyM

        You want a shoe that will put your non-injured leg at the same height as the one in the bootie. (Advice given to me by the orthopaedic technician when I had to wear a walking boot for several months.) I found a black wedge that was also very comfy.

    • Ballerina Girl

      I’m replying to this late but I wore one for a while–definitely wear a big, sturdy sneaker or clog (danskos are great) on the other foot. I really recommend a sneaker, though. People will understand at work. What no one realizes is that when you’re in a boot, you put ALL of your weight on your other foot. At the end of the day, it’d always be my good foot that was killing me. Also, the boot will add height, which is why it’s good to wear a big sneaker or clog. PLEASE don’t wear a heel on the other foot–not only will it look silly but it’ll do a number on you.

  38. EM

    I broke my ankle back in March, and had a walking cast on my lower leg. It sucked royally. Just wear your most comfortable and supportive flats. Forget cuteness. Everyone will understand. Here’s what I wore:

    http://www.halfmoonoutfitters.com/Merrell-Arabesque-Leather-for-Women/mer_ws_arabesqueleather/product?ad_id=nextag&utm_source=nextag&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=MerrellArabesqueLeatherforWomen

    And pants, just wear yoga pants or skirts. I bought some maxi skirts/dresses to mix it up a bit. Seriously, nobody at work cared.

  39. Marie Curie

    Ladies, I need your help. I recently acquired a lovely pair of brown flats but I don’t know what colors/tights/clothing to pair them with. I’ve never had brown shoes before (sad but true). Here’s a picture of similar shoes: http://cdn.yoox.biz/44/44317347db_14_f.jpg
    I was thinking I could do a white-and-blue striped shirt, but other than that, I’m drawing a blank. Any suggestions are welcome! (not limited to work wear)

    • Esquirette

      Brown goes with almost everything. I have several brown shoes, pants (some plain, some with some kind of pattern (e.g., pinstripes, houndstooth, etc.)), skirts and blazers. I’ve worn them with blue, green, red, purple, pink, yellow, cream, black . . . etc, you get the picture. I *think* I’ve only avoided grey and brown — I say that because I love grey but can’t think of an outfit wear I’ve paired it with brown. I think the shoes you linked to would go fine paired with skirts or pants pretty much almost any color. If you need to ease your way into things, try pairing them with a pair of patterned brown pants (e.g., striped, houndstooth, etc) so you don’t have solid-solid. As for tights, I leave that to others — I almost always only wear tights with boots and occassionally heels. Have fun!

      • Marie Curie

        Thank you, that was helpful! I know it seems really obvious to pair brown shoes, I don’t know why I couldn’t come up with anything …

  40. Andy

    Random question: what are your go-to websites (beyond the store-specific ones)? I’ve read that many of you like 6pm.com….do any of you also frequent BlueFly? I’ve found it to be more interesting and populated with bargains. Also, do any of you use Sierra Trading Post? (I just found a wonderful New Zealand-made leather jacket there). Or Backcounty (or it’s outlet)–good for casual/outdoors wear?

    On the mom note: I too had a difficult relationship with my mom, now dead, and with my dad, who is still going at 91. Part of these difficulties stemmed from their wanting to treat me as a kid forever–vs. the adult I saw myself as. When my older brother died suddenly this past May, my dad and I had to deal with the remains of his life–which, strangely, superseded the kid vs. adult problems for a time.

    But, on the flip side, I have two college aged sons. My own problems have given me pause to consider the relationships I have with my own family. I try to view them as adults and respect their opinions and ability to choose their own path–have tried this ever since they were in middle school. I also try to remember that they are sons not friends–there are boundaries. While not perfect, we have very good relationships which I hope will continue.

    • a lawyer

      Depending on the purchase, I love Sierra Trading Post. Shopzilla helps find the best buys. Often the lowest price will be Amazon, given the usually free shipping. Ebay is also an option if I know exactly what I want and what size if clothing. I’ve had some great buys on office equipment on ebay as well.

    • EM

      I love Sierra Trading Post! I love even more that it’s based in Cheyenne, so when I order online, I get my item the next day (maybe 2 days). They have some really great deals. Some of their items are irregular, so you have to be careful on items that are steeply discounted. I just ordered a pair of jeans from them because I realized that my jeans are all either nice trouser-style or dressier jeans or jeans with holes and stains I use in the field. I needed something in between for hiking with the family. :)

    • Kanye East

      Backcountry (and check out their sister site, Steep & Cheap) is an *awesome* company. I’ve spent more money there than I will ever admit.

      I haven’t purchased from Bluefly in years, but I used to shop there a lot when they first launched. I still window shop there, though.

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