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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 436 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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Isola - Balta (Black Sheep Sonner) - FootwearSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. The extremely strappy sandal look has been around for a long time, I think, but it still looks fresh and hot, at least to me. The trick? Finding a pair of heels that's comfortable to wear with your party dress. I like this pair of 4″ heels from Isola (the same company behind the ubercomfortable Sofft and Born shoes). I like the “quiet” sparkle, the way the straps dip in the front (to help elongate your leg) and the general look. They were $185 at Zappos, but are currently marked to $148. Isola – Balta (Black Sheep Sonner) – Footwear (L-2)

Sales of note for 10.10.24

  • Nordstrom – Extra 25% off clearance (through 10/14); there's a lot from reader favorites like Boss, FARM Rio, Marc Fisher LTD, AGL, and more. Plus: free 2-day shipping, and cardmembers earn 6x points per dollar (3X the points on beauty).
  • Ann Taylor – Extra 50% off sale (ends 10/12)
  • Banana Republic Factory – Up to 50% off everything plus extra 25% off your $125+ purchase
  • Boden – 10% off new styles with code; free shipping over $75
  • Eloquii – Extra 50% off a lot of sale items, with code
  • J.Crew – 40% off sitewide
  • J.Crew Factory – 50% off entire site, plus extra 25% off orders $150+
  • Lo & Sons – Fall Sale, up to 35% off
  • M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
  • Neiman Marcus – Sale on sale, up to 85% off
  • Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
  • Talbots – 50% off 2+ markdowns
  • Target – Circle week, deals on 1000s of items
  • White House Black Market – Buy one, get one – 50% off full price styles

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

About Kat

Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. SF Bay Associate

    PSA: In our collective hunt for work dresses with sleeves, the “Clea” just came in at J.Crew. Link to follow.

  2. Ellen

    I have a THREAD-JACK!

    Does any body know if I can get a MBA degree by the INTERNET? I do NOT want to go to classes, and think if I could get a MBA degree on LINE, then it would be easier. I do NOT like math. FOOEY!

    Who has done this and what do you sugest?

    Thanks alot for your help, corporetes!!!!

    • Anon

      You may be able to, but why would you want to? One of the main benefits of an MBA is the network you develop during the program. For an online course, you won’t be interacting with other students or instructors, so you’ll really be missing out on one of the key reasons for doing one.

    • Kelly

      ELLEN, you should do the degree online, because then you can have a MAN do the math part for you, and no one will be the wise. Everyone knows that BOYS are better at math.

      • mamabear

        RAELLY? I helped my HUSBAND do the math for his on LINE program!! I think we are the opposeits of what you say.

        His on line MBA is worth exactly ZEROE in this economy so FOOEY on that!!!!

    • eek

      But, if she does an on-campus MBA, she could date her professors and fellow students and get MARRIED. Ellen, I think you should FLIRT with your professors and wear suggestive clothing so that you don’t have to do the math. You would definitely get an A in being PRETTY.

        • down with ELLEN

          Yes, the original “Ellen” was funny, in a sick, annoying sort of way. This is a poor replacement and repititiously boring.

    • Bee

      In case anyone actually does want to know, yes, you can. ( I’m about halfway through, but put that project on hold because of other responsibilities.) My program requires lots of on-line discussion, so there is interaction. The math is not easy. I don’t need the degree or the networking, just wanted the challenge.

      But can ELLEN get an MBA by the internet? I doubt it.

      • Unsub

        I’m kinda surprised that Ellen can spell MBA. I’m bored with Ellen, whoever he is.

      • Wing Lee

        I agree. I have MBA from University and will get new degree soon. Thank you for comments.

  3. Kady

    Repost, b/c it was so good. But can we acknowledge the epicness of last night’s Community? They’d better not cancel this show!

    • jcb

      SO good. I love it more each week – but I was thinking last night that I wish Jeff still had more of his edge from the first season.

    • Kady

      “I vish der was a word to describe the pleasure I feel at viewing misfortune” (said by a German w/ German accent)

      LOL!

    • Research, Not Law

      Such a great show. I’m constantly worried it will be cancelled, because the shows I like are always cancelled.

  4. Emma Woodhouse

    How do you guys feel about liquid eyeliner? I bought one recently that’s a felt tip and was able to do a decent job with it, but it feels very bold and I’m not sure I’m ready to wear it out of the house.

    Do you wear it? For day? To the office?

    • Anonymous

      I think I may be in the minority that I find liquid eyeliner way easier to apply than pencil. I wear it daily, actually, but brown, not black. I have never ever been able to use a pencil eyeliner without it looking too heavy, but I find with liquid eyeliner I can get a very thin line. I put it on before I put on other eye makeup with softens it a bit.

      I use Lancome artliner, for those who are interested in the easy to use eyeliner!

      • fresh jd

        Agree, I wear brown liquid to the office and it looks much softer than black.

      • AttiredAttorney

        Agreed. Plus, pencil or gel smudges all over my face by 5pm. If you’re looking for a drugstore version, I’m a fan of the Revlon colorstay felt tip version. I also do the eyeliner under eyeshadow and only apply it *right* on top of my lash line.

    • Always a NYer

      If you want to soften the boldness of the liquid liner, apply your eyeshadow on top of it.

    • ADL

      I wear Bobbi Brown gel eyeliner every day (similar to liquid but I find it easier to put on).

      • Backgrounder

        Second BB gel eyeliner. It comes with a nifty brush (purchased separately, of course) which makes it easier to apply.

      • JJ

        Me too. I switch between Evergreen shimmer ink, cobalt ink, and some purpley-brown color.

      • S in Chicago

        I was just going to suggest this as well. BB isn’t as severe as using a pen liner but stays put and doesn’t smudge like a pencil. Can’t recommend it enough. Caviar Ink Rocks!!

      • Scarf Lady

        also recommend…I have the brown gel and am LOVING the violet gel…you can’t tell it’s purple on, but it definitely makes my blue eyes pop. Still gotta work on making sure I don’t apply the gel liner too thick, though.

    • Road Warriorette

      I think a lot of it depends on your coloring. In the summer, I go fairly blonde, and it makes any liquid eyeliner look too harsh. In the winter, when my hair is much darker, my eyes look asleep and washed out without more eyeliner and mascara. That’s when I switch to liquid. I have this fabulous soft purple from Sephora (I think technically it’s their blue color) that I wear every day. If I’m going to a party or other fun event, I will totally rock black liquid eyeliner. Because, why not??

    • Miriam

      Are you using black? Try switching to brown to give it a less intense look. I use this Maybelline gel eyeliner in a tub that I absolutely love. I’m a cheap drugstore girl, but it lasts all day! I have it in brown and purple.

    • Nonny

      Love. I wear it every day. I switched over from pencil eyeliner about 6 months ago and won’t go back.

      I use MAC Fluidline in Blacktrack most days, but recently discovered Urban Decay’s 24-hour liquid eyeliner and use it in brown sometimes. The Urban Decay liner can be applied with a great deal of precision and stays on really well. The MAC Fluidline is fantastic but really requires a clean brush.

    • MissJackson

      I only recently discovered how amazing liquid eyeliner is. I wear it for day and to the office, although I wear brown instead of black. I don’t think that it looks any bolder than pencil liner (I put both pencil and liquid on pretty thick, I suppose), but it actually stays put.

      I use LORAC, but that’s just the first brand I picked up. It’s got kind of a paintbrush tip (that sounds terrible, but it’s actually super easy to apply).

      • AIMS

        I also prefer the paint brush tip — I think it goes on thinner, easier. I also prefer brown. But I prefer brown for all eyeliner. For some reason, I don’t do black well (others have done it fine on me, but when I do it myself it looks bad to me and I am not as good with the pencil for some reason).

    • D

      I recommend L’oreal telescopic waterproof eyeliner in brown but only the waterproof version. The non waterproof version flakes like crazy but the waterproof one only comes off with warm water from the shower.

      It’s the only eyeliner that stays on my super oily asian eyelids that have little pools of oil by the end of the day

      I almost draw little dots that touch each other on my lash line esp where the lashes are sparse to keep it natural.

      Practice a couple times before the morning of going to work. It might take a couple tries to get the natural look you want but once you got it, it’s super easy!

      • zelda

        i find that eyeshadow primer (i like urban decay’s primer potion) works great to counteract my oily lids!

    • nikkiesq

      I wear liquid too – I find it easier to apply and easier to correct if I slip up. I usually wear black because I have dark skin, but if you get good at doing a really, really thin line, and if it’s better with your skin/eye coloring than brown, I say go for it.

    • Anonymous

      I think it’s fab and needs no blunting for real life if it’s a real-life, non-Winehousian line.

      You can dust a little sheer shadow or even face powder over the line to mute it. Helps it not transfer to your upper lid, too.

    • NB

      Love love love my Stila liquid liner in black. I wear it both to work (thin line, minimal extension past the outer corner of my eye) and for nights out (heavier line, longer extension, cat eye, Cleopatra, whatever).

    • Turtle Wexler

      I use liquid/gel eyeliner every day that I wear makeup. I have an angled brush and use either the pot of Black Honey or whatever it’s called from Clinique (it’s their bestseller; really it’s a medium brown with tones of plum) or the Macroviolet from MAC. I love both of ’em and think they’re absolutely appropriate for work. I will never go back to pencil eyeliner after perfecting my technique with this stuff, and as a bonus, it’s really easy to take from day to night – just thicken up the line and wing it out a bit! It takes some practice to figure out how to apply it, but it was worth it for me.

    • Makeup Junkie

      I think liquid liner gives a nice sharp line and I wear it to the office if it’s my only eye makeup (besides mascara anyway). I think wearing liquid eyeliner with any kind of shadow is too much for me at the office, since I’m already the only one on my team so wears any makeup at all.
      I like the new 24-hour liquid pens from Physicians Formula. NO smudging at all, but it dries so fast there’s no room for error.

  5. Herbie

    Someone mentioned Milk & Honey shoes here a few weeks ago. I am intrigued, as are several other Corporettes. I’ve been lusting after these (http://www.milkandhoneyshoes.com/signature-collection/red-riding-hood.html) and these (http://www.milkandhoneyshoes.com/signature-collection/no-place-like-home.html) for weeks now. Has anybody bought from Milk & Honey? Can you tell us more about your shoes–quality, fit, sizing, customer service, any other issues you care to enlighten us with?

    • Always a NYer

      OMG, those sparkly red ones have my name on them! I’ve always wanted my own ruby slippers and think I finally found them!!!

      • Bunkster

        My littlest niece (age 5 1/2 now) has been wearing Target’s ruby red slippers ever since she saw The Wizard of Oz. When they wear out or she outgrows them, we just buy her another pair. They make me smile every time she puts them on.

          • meme

            This heel height is more my speed. I feel like I’m tottering in 3″ and I have no idea how I would manage 5″. Are some people just born with the kind of balance required for these kind of shoes, or does it take a lot of practicing around the house before going out in public?

          • Herbie

            @meme – I can’t do 5 inches, but I feel short and stumpy in anything less than 3 inches. I think I was born with a natural gift for stilettos, which is good because I love them.

          • Always a NYer

            I’m lusting over the Milk and Honey red glitter shoes in 3.5″ because while I usually won’t go over 3″ (I’m 5’11” but love being taller) the .5″ platform adds to the comfort level.

            @meme – It took practice for me to be comfortable in heels but now I feel off if I don’t wear them at least 2-3 times a week.

            @Bunkster – Your niece sounds adorable! The Wizard of Oz was my favorite movie growing up. I wore out 2 VHS copies of it that’s how many times I watched it.

          • NOLA

            @meme I wear 4-5″ heels pretty regularly but I’m very picky about fit and balance. If they are throwing me off balance (forward) or if they come off the back of my heel, I won’t buy them. Because I have narrow heels, I tend to wear a heel that has a strap.

        • AgencyCounsel

          My almost 16 month old worth those sparkly red shoes for Halloween and insisted on wearing them to bed. She’s turning into a shoe-girl.

      • Herbie

        Hello, I know. Even though I think the only thing I could wear them with is a LBD, and I can’t even remember the last time I wore a LBD.

        Note to self: create reasons to wear LBD in near future.

    • Winnie

      I’ve bought from Milk & Honey and am obsessed. OBSESSED. They are really comfortable (I walk to work in them), really well made. I was skeptical at first, because I had never heard of them. But I called and asked them a million questions and they were totally nice and helpful and, most importantly, the shoes are gorgeous. I get tons of compliments (i did whacky colors). Love. Love. Love. Just be warned, it’s addicting (i’m on my third pair!).

    • Sage Schoolman

      I have a pair of heels from milk & honey and they are ubber comfortable, I was a little worried ordering a pair without trying them on, but they fit true to size and Im SO happy with them. Hope thats helpful.

  6. Midwestern Mom

    I posted this mid week and got no responses.. help. My 17 year old is in love with Ruche, after I got a great skirt from here. Their website is mostly out of stock on really cute items…. does anyone have suggestion of a similiar company/website? I think Etsy has similiar items but that site is just so overwhelming. Thanks.

    • Road Warriorette

      Modcloth has a lot of similar vintage-inspired stuff. The price point goes a lot higher, but they also have a lot of variety. I love them so much.

      • Nonny

        I’ve heard that the quality of Shabby Apple is not very good, but have never seen any of their clothing up close and personal. Can you comment on quality?

        • spacegeek

          Yes, I’ve ordered (and promptly returned) 3 dresses. Kept a 4th, but am not happy with the quality of the jersey or the stitching. I’ve written them off my shopping list, frankly.

          • cbackson

            Me too. They cost almost as much as J.Crew/BR, but the quality is like…less than decent Target-wear. Like Target juniors department, I’d say.

        • southanon

          I also bought, returned and will not buy again. The fabric is really thin and the dress I bought was unlined. Very disappointing because everything looks great in the photos.

          • Ellie

            This was my experience too. Cute stuff, unique, but low quality. I kept one dress because I just loved the design, and it was nice that not everyone had it like if it were a JCrew dress. But it was casual, not to be worn at work, so I didn’t mind the no lining and other quality issues.

          • anon

            I bought a dress from them with a groupon so it only cost me about $40 instead of $90/$100 and the $40 is all it is worth. Unlined and not excellent fabric or stiching. The style is very cute but if this is typical quality, and sounds like it is, then I’d look elsewhere.

        • kmm

          Ordered and the dress ripped at the seam as I was pulling it over my head. Won’t order again.

      • Bunkster

        I love shabby apple, too. Have never bought anything, though. And the kids clothes are adorable.

    • Pauline

      Tulle and Francesca’s might appeal to your daughter. Tulle is virtually indistinguishable from Ruche in my mind. Francesca’s is basically a lower-priced Anthropologie.

      • Midwestern Mom

        I took a look at Tulle.. great site .. thanks for the tip. She goes to Francesca’s almost weekly… you are right.. that is a great store.

    • Anonymous

      Have you looked at Free People? A little more hippy, but they have some great pieces.

      • anon

        I see this brand a lot at Loehmann’s and Filene’s Basement if you want to check them out not at full price.

      • AIMS

        There is a ton of cute free people stuff on sale at 6 pm dot com and bloomingdales.

  7. Sam

    How sexy can your Holiday Office Party dress be? I just picked up a great cocktail dress in black chiffon and gold sequins from Alice+Olivia (Kendra). It isn’t low cut, but hits around mid-thigh. I absolutely love this dress and want to wear it everywhere. It’s super sexy and flattering, but I’m worried it might be a bit much for an office party. Should I tone it back a bit and wear a more conservative knee length number to the holiday party or can I get away with wearing it? Here’s the dress if it helps: http://www.aliceandolivia.com/kendra-triangle-tunic.html

    • meme

      I’m personally never ever ever going for “sexy” with my colleages and wouldn’t wear that length to an office party. I could see some of the non-professionals at my office wearing something like this. But they also get sloppy drunk and make fools of themselves every year, and I wouldn’t recommend that either.

      • meme

        It’s a beautiful dress though and perfect for non-work holiday parties IMO.

      • S in Chicago

        Way too sparkly and short for the office parties I’ve been to but would be perfect for New Year’s. It’s super cute.

    • AnonInfinity

      I love that dress! However, I wouldn’t wear it to an office party. Not because of the length, but because of the back. It looks like you can’t wear a bra with it, and I just don’t want to give my coworkers a reason to wonder if I’m wearing undergarments.

      I think the length is fine. I know that tights don’t make a skirt work appropriate when it’s too short, but I do think that the rule is loosened a little in a more laid-back context, like an out-of-office party.

      • Lyssa

        I agree, the back is what takes it over the top for me (for the office party – LOVE the back in general). Of course, I wonder if it might work if you found something to “fill in” the back, say, a matching color cami, so it wasn’t open? If you could pull that off, I think that it might be doable, assuming a laid-back office and laid back party atmosphere.

        Make sure to wear low shoes – very high heels make short skirts look shorter.

    • Pit

      GORGEOUS! I would want to wear it everywhere, too! If you wear it to the office party, definitely wear opaque tights. I would say it depends how long your legs are. If long – it may be too risque.

    • Anon

      I think that with opaque tights it would be fine. The skirt is short, but not “floaty” – and looks like it will stay down and not give anyone an eyeful.

    • darby

      totally think it’s fine for an office party if you wear it styled similar to the picture (e.g. w/ tights) — it’s got long sleeves & a high neck, nothing about that screams inappropriate. love this dress.

    • Tired Squared

      I don’t think it seems inappropriate … you’re covered up everywhere else (assuming you’re wearing tights like the picture) so a semi-short skirt doesn’t seem out of place for party-wear.

    • Alanna of Trebond

      That dress is not what I would call a “sexy” dress at all! It’s just a bit short, which is really ok with opaque tights (I mean, you’re not wearing to actual work, it’s a party!).

    • a.

      That is one. gorgeous. dress. And I would absolutely wear it to an office party–it’s not super-short, it has a high neck and sleeves, and I don’t think enough back is showing that it’s in any way inappropriate. Like other commenters have said, I’d wear opaque tights and avoid sky-high heels.

      But the most important thing is whether you feel like you’d be comfortable in it. And you know yourself and your office vibe better than we do.

      • Jacqueline

        Oh my god, I LOVE that dress. Simply stunning. It would be fine at my office holiday party with opaque tights, but I work in a creative industry unlike most of the Corporettes. I think it also depends where the party will be held. The venue will definitely influence the vibe. But if it’s too conservative for your office, just wear it the rest of the month at your other holiday parties — it’s so gorgeous!

  8. Nonny

    My new Sorel Cate the Greats arrived today! I am so excited, and they are gorgeous and fit true to size. At present I am fighting the urge to just put them on and wear them for the rest of the day, despite being at the office.

  9. Amy

    This is sort of an odd question but Corperettes usually have the answer to almost every question under the sun so here goes. I’m looking for places (anywhere in US) with unusual breakfast/brunch pastries. Suggestions?

    • AIMS

      Not sure how unusual you’re thinking. But City Bakery (NYC and LA) has the most amazing pretzel croissants. It’s basically a croissant with a thin layer of pretzel dough wrapped around it. They’re sublime.

      • Anne-on

        Oh god how do I miss the pretzel croissants living in the ‘burbs. They are worth every single calorie.
        I wouldn’t call it ‘unusual’ per se, but Balthazar has an amazing selection of house made french pastries for their brunch. That plus their coffee is fabulous.
        Oooh – and the sugar waffle at le pain quotidien is also amazing! I think they have outposts in a few major US cities.

    • anon

      If you’re anywhere near an “ethnic” neighborhood (a Chinatown, Koreatown, Little Russia …. etc) there are always interesting bakeries in those areas with wonderful and different pastries. NYC’s Chinatown for one has wonderful bakeries with terrific kinds of buns and pastries and etc.

    • Ruthy Sue

      VooDoo Donuts in Portland and Eugene, OR. Lots of unique options, like ones topped with captain crunch or bacon, and of course a voodoo doll that looks like a person and is filled with raspberry jam (They even give you a pretzel stake).

    • nev

      Bennison’s Bakery in Evanston, IL, (interesting and delicious) and North Shore Kosher Bakery in Chicago (but I guess it’s only unusual if you’re not Jewish).

      • MeliaraofTlanth

        Also in my neighborhood, Little Oven (www.littleoven.com) makes some seriously delicious macarons (the french style, not the coconut-meringue things), and they’ll ship them! I don’t know if that counts as unusual, but macarons are definitely a new trendy bakery thing in new york.

    • Bunkster

      When I was in training in Houston last year, I got hooked on kolaches – rolls stuffed with ham, I believe.

      • Another Stephanie

        Look up breakfast restaurants by rating on Yelp and you’re sure to come up with some great places with good menu items. My recent conferences were in NOLA, Denver and St. Louis and I had everything from Bananas Foster French toast (at a vegan place, no less, with awesome juice, like kale juice blended in without yucky results) to crepes, to amazing omlettes

    • SoCal Gal

      Nickel Diner in Los Angeles has Maple-Bacon donuts. Also Nutella donuts, homemade pop-tarts in assorted flavors, etc.

      Semisweet Bakery in Los Angeles has a Prosciutto Goat Cheese Danish I’m dying to try, along with a Maple Bacon Sticky Bun. Mmm.

  10. AnonOne

    Question for the train/walking commuters… how do you carry your laptop or heavy files? My shoulder is hurting from carrying my laptop in my regular shoulder bag so I think it’s time to suck it up and carry 2 bags for better weight distribution.

    I was looking into a laptop sleeve with handles. Any recommendations?

    • ergo

      i think the most ergonomic solution is a backpack, which may offend your sense of style or may otherwise not be your thing.

      otherwise … i use a kate spade black laptop bag that i think is called Calista Gramercy Park something. I recommend getting an actual laptop bag, not a sleeve, since you will inevitably need to carry some papers files etc. home with you, and a laptop sleeve isn’t as versatile as a bag. But it doesn’t need to be big (the kate spade one is fairly slim). I also recommend something that has a strap you can wear across your body, as well as handles, so you can carry it multiple ways. that also lessens the strain on your shoulders.

      • LMo

        The thing with backpacks is that they ruin clothes. I have ruined countless shirts because the rubbing of the backpack on my lower back pills them.

        AnonOne, could you get one of those roller suitcases? They aren’t quite as lame as they looked a few years ago. They look like normal work bags but !surprise! there is a pop up handle inside.

          • Bag

            My firm has litigation bags to borrow for travel or out of office stuff. They look beat and have seen better days, and on more than one occasion, the last one was checked out when I needed it. So as much as it pained me to buy a non-cute bag, I bought a stripped down version of my very own, for around $75:

            http://www.ebags.com/product/solo/rolling-laptop-catalog-case/5798?productid=21450

            It’s not a looker by any stretch, but definitely worth the price I paid. It has been lugged through a trial or two, as well as through many airports for travel to depositions/mediations/etc. It’s a touch smaller than the big ones the firm has, but has the added bonus of a laptop sleeve. With laptop, it can fit a couple medium binders — without laptop or stuff in the accessory compartments, I have crammed three big binders in there. Some of closer co-worker/friends have taken to borrowing my bag rather than heading to the supply room for the firm’s. I figure when this one wears out, it’s there turn to buy one.

            I probably wouldn’t recommend this for the OP’s purposes, but for lawyers (or other luggers of documents) here, just thought I’d mention this affordable option. If I ever make partner, I’ll clamor for the firm to buy me a “real” one. ;)

          • MissJackson

            I’ve got one similar to the one that Bag above linked. I don’t remember what I paid, but I do recall that I wrote it off as a business expense on my tax return because my firm actually didn’t have any that we could borrow and I was told that I *had* to have one (if anyone recalls my story of woe about lugging all depo exhibits in my carryon and not getting to take a real suitcase…)

            Quite a few of my associate friends have borrowed it since I bought it. Definitely handy.

          • Bag

            LMo – I noticed that Rue La La has a similar Victorinox on sale today, for approximately $90, marked down from $300. It’s in the “What He Really Wants” boutique.

        • Marie-Christine

          If you ruin clothes with a backpack, it’s because you haven’t paid attention to getting one with smooth fabric. If you get that rough cordura that won’t wear out for 30 years, it’ll indeed damage some clothes from friction. But if you get a smooth fabric, it won’t pill a thing. And your back will be much straighter from a backpack than anything lopsided.

    • A.C.

      I have an Osprey messenger bag that has suspension built in to the shoulder strap and a really well-thought out waistband/cross strap system that keeps shoulder stress to a minimum and does not bunch up my clothing. It eliminated all neck and shoulder discomfort from my one-hour walking commute, even with 10+ pounds of stuff. http://www.zappos.com/osprey-astro-rainforest

      In general I’ve found laptop/briefcase bags designed by outdoor companies to be the best in terms of comfort for my back, neck, and shoulders. Unfortunately, what they provide in comfort they lack in professionalism and style.

      • EM

        I love Osprey! They really are a great company. I have a hydration pack backpack from them, and I needed a replacement valve because my son bit through the old one, and they sent one free of charge!

        I love the look of the outdoorsy bags for casual wear, but I agree, they aren’t the most professional-looking bags. However, if you live in an outdoorsy part of the country (like Colorado or the Pacific Northwest) you can probably get away with it for work. I see people in suits downtown Denver carrying bags like this all the time.

    • Marie-Christine

      One solution is the backpack. Or at least a bag with a long enough strap that you can carry it across your body, so you have free hands.
      Another, better imho, is to get a smaller, lighter netbook. I just got one, 12″ so I don’t go blind, but that weights basically 2lb and is fully as powerful as a desktop. You can very much improve things for yourself by having a docking station at home for long hours, full screen, big keyboard, and mouse. And most of all you can have chargers 5and peripherals like external drives) at both work and home so you don’t have to schlep that stuff, just the netbook. For $50-100 you can outfit yourself to be pain-free and more efficient at once.
      Your neck will thank you.

    • Michelle

      I disagree about the rolling briefcase if you’re a city train commuter; they’re hard to manage in pedestrian traffic. I use a Tumi backback for plane travel, but for regular city commute on the train I use a slim laptop bag/briefcase. If I’m just carrying my IPad I often just put it in my regular bag, but if there are any files/papers/books it’s better to have the separate tote.

  11. anon

    I am feeling really overwhelmed with juggling work and parenting obligations and could use some perspective since you all always have such great suggestions for other posters’ problems. Apologies in advance for the length and whininess of this post.

    I’m recently back at work after being on maternity leave and I feel like I can’t keep going. I get up at 5, then I get ready for work/pump/load things in the car that I couldn’t load the night before. I wake up the baby at 5:40, feed him and change him, and we leave at 6. I can’t leave later because traffic gets awful and the baby cries in the car unless we are moving at high speeds (and sometimes while moving at high speeds). I get to the office at 7, but daycare won’t let me drop off the baby until 8 (they only keep kids for 10 hours and I need to be at work until at least 6). I’ve tried bringing the baby to the office and letting him hang out from 7-8 while I work, but he freaks out, so I’ve started going to daycare and sitting with him until 8, then going to work. I work until 5:50 and leave to pick him up. With pumping and getting integrated back into work, I’m only billing about 7 hours per day, and I need to bill 10 to make my hours for the year. (I can’t pump in my office because it has a glass door and the firm won’t issue me a laptop, so it’s hard for me to work while pumping unless I happen to have a document I need to read at the time I need to pump. I can’t bring in my laptop from home because the wireless internet is superslow and our online server crashes constantly.) We get home around 7:15, and I have to do laundry, get things ready for daycare and work the next day, get dinner on the table (we do all our cooking on Sunday, so it’s mainly just reheating, but it still takes time), and change, feed and bathe the baby. This all takes me about an hour, unless the baby is crying, in which case, I make no progress on anything. My husband gets home around 8:15 and we eat dinner. I go to the gym for 45 minutes after dinner, during which time my husband is supposed to get the baby in bed and do dishes. Then I shower, try to straighten the house up a bit, and end up in bed around 10:45. The baby isn’t consistently sleeping through the night, so I end up being awake from around 1:30-2:30 each morning.

    I’m just so overwhelmed by this schedule, and I don’t know how I can keep doing it. I’m constantly exhausted. Neither the quality nor quantity of my work is up to par, so I’m concerned about job security. Plus, I’m getting flack because my firm expects associates to attend networking events in the evenings, but I can’t since my house is an hour from my office, so I can’t take the baby home, have a babysitter there, and then go to an event. I hardly see the baby during the day, except for the hour in the morning when we hang out at daycare. I barely talk to my husband (unless I’m telling him to do something), and I’m frequently short with him because I’m so tired and stressed. I have no time to talk to my friends or family (I used to chat on the way home from work, but have given up on that because the baby has an uncanny knack for starting to cry when I’m on the phone, plus most of them are still at work now that I’m driving home so early) so I feel completely isolated. My house is a constant disaster. The only “me time” I have is when I go to the gym, which I consider a necessity for stress relief. I’m sad most of the time.

    Yesterday was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I had applied for a job in the city where my husband works (which means he would take over responsibility for getting the baby to and from daycare and we wouldn’t collectively spend six hours a day commuting anymore and we’d live near family who could help out in a pinch). A few weeks ago, I had a screening interview and the partner was super-enthusiastic and said that they’d definitely bring me back for a full round of interviews, and the firm reiterated this to my headhunter several times over the past two weeks. I found out yesterday that they had changed their mind and decided they wanted someone with a couple more years of experience (note: if this was the case, why include my class year in the job posting?). It took every ounce of willpower I had not to burst into tears until I had left the office and had gotten through picking up the baby at daycare and then I cried hysterically the whole way home (probably not a good idea when driving at 70 mph). And I cried for like another hour at home while seriously considering abandoning my family and running away.

    I feel really trapped. I don’t want to go part-time since I really like my job and since my practice group is not welcoming towards this option. I’m not optimistic about my prospects of getting a job in the city where my husband works because I’ve only found four jobs that are appropriate for me in the past year, of which I got two (and turned them down for various reasons that I regret now), didn’t get the most recent, and am waiting to hear on the fourth. We can’t hire a nanny because he or she would cost twice my husband’s take-home salary. My husband won’t stay at home. He can’t get a position in the city where I work because of the specialized nature of his job. I’m trying not to throw lots of money at the problem because I’m determined to pay off my student loans by February (through major frugality, I’ve paid of $120k in 18 months . . . yay me!) so that I have more long-term flexibility, but maybe that’s what I need to do. I’ve also thought of using the remaining month of maternity leave that I didn’t take to go on intermittent leave, i.e., only work 4 days a week, but I feel like that may result in either me getting too little work and annoying people because I wouldn’t be very available on the day I was taking maternity leave since I would use that day to try to get my life back together. I may also ask my daycare if I could pay them more to watch the baby from 7-6 instead of 8-6, which would help with my hours. Any suggestions from someone who has been there, done that?

    • anon

      I’m really sorry for your troubles and stress.

      I haven’t been there, but .. you cannot, in this crazy period of dual-career + 4 month old baby, have it all. If you were able to save $120K in 18 months to pay off loans, that is amazing, and I think it’s time to spend some of that money on a reasonable daycare solution, part-time help, a driver, something. It doesn’t have to be forever and it doesn’t have to really impact your long-term flexibility. But this current situation is not sustainable, and I would think of it as a good investment in your health, family, job, and long term sanity! Good luck.

      • Anonymous

        This. I have been in your shoes (3 kids in 6 years) and I realize now I was my own worst enemy. As a working mom you MUST not be so hard on yourself. The loans will get paid, the house will get cleaned, maybe not today.

      • S

        It might be worth it to tease apart the cleaning issue a bit more. You said “I feel stressed when I come home to a mess”. There is no reason to add any more stress to your life right now, so I’m glad you have already hired a cleaning person. However, if you clarify whether it is dirt that bothers you or clutter, and communicate this to your cleaning person/husband/mother-in-law/whomever, then s/he will be more efficient and more likely to actually ease your cleaning-related burden and ensure you feel more comfortable when you walk in the house after a long day at work.

        Clutter stresses me out and I always feel calmer when my home/office is organized. Dirt, on the other hand, doesn’t stress me out as much. I’m not saying I can live in utter filth, but I know realistically I don’t need floors so clean the family could eat off them. When I’m tight on time, I remember that only the plates and silverware need to be clean enough to eat off of! Good luck!

    • anonymiss

      Wow. I think the first thing I would say is that you need to breathe. Just stop and breathe, because you are juggling a TON. You definitely deserve tons of credit for taking on so much, but I have so much sympathy for the burdens you’re facing right now.

      I’ve never been there (3L here), but it seems to me that your relationship with your husband vis a vis the baby and household maintenance is quite unbalanced, and that seems to need to change. If a nanny would cost twice your husband’s take home pay, and you’re the main breadwinner (120K in student loans in 18 months is REALLY impressive), then I think you and him need to have a frank discussion about whether or not he should continue working when your job security is threatened by all of the stuff that you’re responsible for.

      It also may not be a bad idea, at this juncture, to throw some money at the problem. Paying off a crapload of debt is great, but if you’re drowning in stress and it’s impacting your ability to do your job effectively, I don’t think it’s the best use of the money.

      Also, is there any way to persuade your job that your effectiveness would be exponentially greater if they would just issue you a laptop for the period of time that you’re pumping? It seems like a reasonable accommodation they could easily make.

    • Anon

      Been there. Honestly, it was the driving factor in moving to a less stressful, more flexible position. But until that’s an option:
      1) Find a daycare that works with your schedule. You’re probably paying them a small fortune, I know I am. If it helps, my husband does pick up and I do drop off, so that we can both flex in extra hours when necessary.
      2) Also look into nanny sharing. My daycare gals can handle up to 4 newborns at a time, so handling 2 babies should be within the abilities of a seasoned professional. You’ll probably pay a little more, but you’ll have more control.
      3) Let go of the long-term financial worries for now. You’ve got enough going on.
      4) Take the leave. You’ll never get this time back.

    • JJ

      I haven’t been there, done that yet (4th year atty, currently pregnant with my first at a big firm), but I just wanted to let you know that I literally finished a book last night called “Balance is a Crock; Sleep is for the Weak” about working motherhood. While the title is tongue-in-cheek, it’s a great book and discusses literally EVERYTHING that you mentioned in your post. Generally, the authors say that eventually you will have a break-down once you come back from maternity leave and that’s your signal that things need to change at home. They offer a ton of suggestions, including getting a nanny or babysitter to pick up your child from day care 1-2 nights a week. That would give you at least a few nights where you can stay at work, go to a networking event, etc.

      Is there a different option for day care – somewhere, anywhere – that has better hours for you? Can you spread out your work to include more time at home? It sounds like you’re taking on the vast majority of the house chores and domestic responsibilities. Can your husband pitch in more?

      I wouldn’t lose hope on the job search yet. Four jobs in this market in a year is actually pretty good. I would keep looking with the hope that something appropriate turns up.

      (and completely off-topic: what in the world is your hours requirement such that you have to work 10 hours/day to meet your minimum?)

      • D

        I second the “can your husband pitch in more” ?
        Maybe the baby can go to daycare closer to where he’s at though I don’t know a day care that’s open till 8pm.. so that the hours are much more reasonable for you.

        Something that’s resonated from Sheryl Sandberg’s talk is that you need to have a good/supportive partner to be successful.

        Seriously think about a nanny or presenting this post to your husband and asking him to take a break from work. if you are the main breadwinner. Have a real serious conversation about this when you aren’t as frustrated. This shouldn’t be only your job to ensure that baby and your job can be done. You both made the baby, let him also take some accountability.

        I also really like the asian fold up idea for pumping or even a little curtain type thing to block the view.

        You can do it!

    • meme

      Oh, this sounds familiar. I ended up switching to part time at my Biglaw firm and then leaving there a year later for a permanent part time position at a wonderful small firm. For me, it has been a great compromise because I get to have some of the best of both worlds (been doing this for 7 years now – yikes I’m old).

      I know you said you don’t want to switch to part time but it sounds like something, somewhere has got to give. You can’t have and do everything. Caring for baby will get easier over time, and considerably less time and energy consuming after the first year.

      I’d say for starters you need to use that last month of maternity leave pronto. Either by scaling back and using it intermittently or just taking period or using it as leverage to arrange some kind of work from home scenario. Perhaps this will give you some more time to consider your priorities and options.

      Good luck. I remember being just frantically panicked for months about work hours/child care/billing/exhaustion after my first was born and before I worked out the part time arrangement. You’ll figure out a way that works for you. This too shall pass.

      • meme

        Also, get a nanny. Even if it costs more, even perhaps only for a limited period of time. But being able to just leave my house with the kids still in bed or in pajamas or what have you when the nanny arrives makes a huge difference. You wouldn’t have to waste an hour sitting around at the day care center waiting for it to open and you wouldn’t have to listen to an hour of screaming on the commute.

      • meme

        Also, try a home workout like P90x or treadmill or stair stepper to save yourself to and from gym time. I’m giving you all my tips here.

      • Diana Barry

        I would suggest trying to get some work done at home if possible, so that you can not spend so much time in the office. I would see if you can work out an early/early schedule or a late/late schedule, if that helps with the daycare hours and/or the commuting. Also, leave later in the morning and see if you can sleep later, unless/until you find a better daycare/nanny solution. Baby will not be cranky in the car forever. I promise. :) (We also found headphones, like heavy-duty ones used for loud construction work, worked really well in blocking crying noise if it bothers you a lot.)

        Also, look into (1) getting a blind for your window so you can pump in your office – this is a huge time saver – or (2) getting the work-issued laptop to use while pumping. I would push on HR or your department hard for this, whichever is the most friendly – and definitely use the phrase “reasonable accommodation”, that is a big buzzword for them.

        We got a nanny when I went back to work. It was well worth it for me just to able to LEAVE in the morning and not have to drop off and pick up in addition to working all day. If your husband needs to keep working for his own peace of mind, then you may have to have a slower pace of paying your loans back for the next few years. This is fine – think of the nanny (or a daycare with better hours, etc.) as an investment in baby’s future AND in your career.

    • anon 2

      Woman. You are going to kill yourself at this pace.

      To echo the couple of others that have commented: you need some balance.

      Why isn’t hubby helping out with some of this? I am not trying to sound “judgmental” here, but seriously, why isn’t he helping? I think he either could:
      1) Take over daycare responsibilities OR
      2) Take care of home care responsibilities.

      That way, either you gain more time in the morning and during the day OR you gain more time at night. And thus you can bill more + be a bit more sane. You need to be able to gain some hours back in your day. That is going to involve adding some assistance. If you don’t want to hire a nanny/caretaker/3rd hand, you are going to need to toss some of the onus on the hubby.

    • SF Bay Associate

      I have not been there or done that. And I realize that this doesn’t address almost any of your challenges, but I nevertheless offer a few ideas.

      Could you buy like a folding privacy screen, like one of those asian folding screens, that you could fold out and put up in front of your glass office door during pumping? As long as it’s opaque, you should be able to pump in your office. And you can just fold it away when you’re done. Bonus points that everyone will learn that privacy screen = pumping, so they will leave you alone more than a regular closed office door.

      I would also say that you cannot be superwoman. It’s great that you’re trying to pay off all your loans by February, but the additional interest in paying it off by February versus, say, September, is not *that* much. But that extra room in your budget could have a very high marginal utility in reducing your stress level. Yes, getting rid of your loans quickly can result in long term flexibility, but it can also make changing jobs/careers a lot harder because you are savings-poor, even if you are debt free. It is easy to quantify some things (day care costs $x, commute is x hours, student loan interest is x%, salary is $x), but don’t forget to place a value on things that are not easily quantifiable, like the value of you getting enough sleep or having a chance to see your husband.

      Also, I wonder if there are non-traditional networking events, like those where career women can bring their children. You cannot be the only woman in your area struggling with this. Maybe there’s a mommy career woman networking thing where they offer child care??

      You also need to switch internet providers, practically whatever it costs. And if the wireless is super slow, go old school and get a super long ethernet cable to hook straight into your laptop.

      • Herbie

        This. If you can save $120k in 18 months to pay off loans, you can fix some of this. Loosen your grip on your $$. It’ll be worth it to decrease some of what you’re putting towards paying off loans to put it towards maintaining your sanity.

        Start small: fix your internet at home.

        Some other services to consider:
        * Meal delivery. Does your area have a service that fixes healthy meals and delivers them to you (home or work)? Mine does. I used it once when I was at work all. the. time. Instead of gaining the usual 10 pounds from eating junk at my desk, I lost weight. It felt good to eat healthfully but not have to stress about finding the time to cook when I was sleep deprived and stressed beyond limits. I know you said you all do your cooking on Sundays. But having meals delivered for awhile could free you up to do other things.

        * Maid service once a week or once every two weeks to help with the house.

        * Laundry service.

        * A nanny/babysitter that can come to your house just for a few hours in the morning or at night to help you and potentially even drop baby off at (or pick up from) daycare.

        Everything is temporary. Doing these things now doesn’t mean you’re committing yourself to them forever.

        Also, I have to ask. You sound like you’re shouldering the burden of child care / domestic duties almost entirely by yourself while working full time. No wonder you are about to break!! What’s the story with your husband? Where’s he in all this?

        Hang in there and keep us posted.

        • Anonymous

          This.

          I have not been there/ done that, but my Mom was the primary breadwinner and career woman (also a wonderful mother), and my Dad worked in a fulfilling, low-paying, 80-hr/week job that he didn’t want to leave. From the time I was born until middle school, my parents paid for child care, laundry service, meal service (both having someone come in on the weekends to cook and freeze and delivery service), maid service, etc. My Mom has told me that all this, and probably just the child care, added up to way more than my Dad made. It may not have “made sense” financially, in that it cost them money for my Dad to work, but it enabled them both to have the careers and the family that they wanted, plus their sanity.

          Even if you decide not to get a full-time nanny, having someone a couple of evenings a week plus having some help with household chores might be enough.

        • nikkiesq

          YES YES YES to meal delivery – that would at least free up your Sundays so you can relax instead of cooking all day. Also, I don’t have kids, but getting house cleaners still changed my life. Even just having someone come weekly or biweekly will keep your house sanitary/liveable and do that much more for your sanity. Your financial goals – and your astounding progress on them! – are admirable, but you may not be able to avoid throwing money at this problem any longer, it’s just not worth the toll it’s taking on you.

    • mamabear

      Wow, Mama, something’s got to give there! I’m a working mom and I’m very pro-working-mom, but your schedule sounds miserable.

      I think you’re on the right track trying to get rid of what sounds like an hour each way commute. I used to commute with my first daughter because I thought it would be better if we were together, but it didn’t work that well for her. Her sleep was all messed up from sleeping her carseat during our 45 minute each way commute. Things really improved when I put her in a small daycare near our home. Then my then-husband and I staggered our schedules so that I could drop off and he could pick up. It’s too much for all of that to be on one person.

      I know you said you can’t afford a nanny, but what about family home care rather than a daycare center? They are usually much more flexible.

      Last, please give yourself a break on needing to do everything yourselves – the cooking, the cleaning, the working out, the pumping. Your baby will be much easier once he’s a year old and you might just have to let thing slip to get through this tough period.

      It seems like you might try to seek a job that does not have minimum billable hours requirements and more flexibility about working from home, but I know that sounds like I’m suggesting mommy-tracking yourself, and that’s a very personal and difficult decision.

      Best of luck to you. My babies’ first years are a bit of a blur to me now (and every mom, whether she works outside the home or not) because the sleep and the adjustment process and, god, just everything. Babies do get so much easier with each month of age – I promise!

    • law talking girl

      Can you quit your current job before you find another one? Move to the city where your husband works. You can look for a job there and get help from family. It sounds like you have good job prospects and you will get another job soon. But in the meantime your mental health and your family are more important than your career.

      • not in this economy

        Don’t add move and financial stress on to everything else. You’ve got a good paying job in tough financial times, so protect it. Getting a better daycare option whether by hubby helping or a nanny or seeing if you can get a work at home scenario even a couple mornings or afternoons sounds like it would be a huge help without too much life accommodation.

      • Lyssa

        If I’m reading their financial circumstances correctly (that Dad works until 8 every night but still only makes half what they would pay for a nanny, but she makes good enough money to have paid 120K in loans in a year), Dad should leave his job (or find a way to go part time). Period.

        I realize that she can’t make him do anything, but this is ridiculous. He has responsibilties to that child that he is not fulfilling. He can find a new job, or work something else out, later. The kid, their marriage, and their sanity is far more important here than anyone’s career.

        • EM

          What is that saying, “You can have it all, just not all at once.”? Especially with a small baby, something has to give. You could just learn to live with a dirtier house or less home-cooked meals, or you could outsource those things. Seriously, hiring a cleaner was one of the best things I did when I went back to work full time after my son was born.

          Also keep in mind that there is no one right solution for your situation. Every family is different and has different needs and circumstances. We happened to move 3 weeks after my son was born, so I decided not to look for a job in our new town right away. I stayed home for as long as I could stand it, which turned out to be about 2 years. I’m now working part-time, but I can see that as I get more responsibility, I’ll probably be working close to 40 hours a week anyhow, but since I’m hourly, overtime is highly discouraged, so I’m “forced” to work 40 hours or less.

          I know you mentioned that part time isn’t a favorable option at your current firm, but since you’re looking for work elsewhere, what do you have to lose?

          It really seems like money is something that causes worry. Maybe you could come up with a couple of different scenarios to see where things stand for you, financially. Think of it as brainstorming where you don’t throw anything out at first. I would look at finances for you staying home, DH staying home, you cutting back to part time, you quitting your job to look for a more flexible one close to DH’s job.

          I also agree that looking at different daycare options might be worth it. Our daycare is open from 6:30 to 6:30, and I’m sure there are some kids that are there that whole time.

          I know you feel trapped right now, but you do have options. Maybe take a few days off to decompress and go over your options. You sound so overwhelmed, which is completely understandable.

          I honestly don’t know how women with infants work full time. I was staying at home and I still felt completely overwhelmed and shredded much of the time. I’d also suggest going to some La Leche League meetings. They are usually during the day, but there are some in the evenings in urban areas. Maybe plan some of your time off around an upcoming meeting. I nursed my son too, and going to the meetings was so incredibly helpful. Every single mom there knows how hard it is.

          It really sounds like a bit of postpartum depression in there too. Talk to your OB about it. PPD is so incredibly common. There is no sense in suffering in silence when you can get help for it.

    • Whit

      First off, congratulations on the new baby! And you are not whining. I am amazed you are keeping going at all, with your crazy schedule.

      I have three children and have done daycare for all of them, but I have a flex schedule and husband’s schedule complements mine (and we have short commutes).

      You need a nanny. Yes, it will be expensive. But think of it as a short-to-mid term expense until someone’s schedule eases a bit. You will get a lot of time back in the morning because the nanny handles getting baby dressed, breakfast, etc. You will be a lot less stressed because you are not breaking your neck to get to daycare at 5:50. And the time you spend with the baby is going to be a lot more relaxing. Less stressed mom = less stressed baby.

      And everything gets easier, I promise. It seems like a long way away, but sooner than you think, baby will be sleeping through the night… feeding herself… getting herself dressed. The first time they fix their own breakfasts is a major parenting milestone!

      Also, hats off to you for going to the gym! That was the FIRST thing to go when I went back to work. Someday I will return on a consistent basis…

      • Whit

        One more thought: I worked in an office with glass office walls and one of my co-workers papered her glass with white paper (large pieces from a flip board) from about knee height to 6 feet or so. It looked very neat and was just for a few months. Luckily, by the time I was in her shoes, there was a dedicated room with lock where I could pump.

    • Herbie

      Also, I have to ask specifically about this: “I’m only billing about 7 hours per day, and I need to bill 10 to make my hours for the year.”

      What hours? Are you trying to make up your maternity leave so you still come in at 2000 hours (or more??) for the year? Please tell us more about your hours requirement.

      • anon

        Major hug.

        Wow! You are doing so much! I’m amazed you’ve been able to hold it together so well for this long.

        I agree with the above comments. Get yourself a nanny. Tell yourself it will be just for six months if that helps you go for it. It’s great you’ve been able to pay down your student loans so much, but should that really be your first priority right now? Think about the costs of NOT getting more help.

        If you have trouble allowing yourself that kind of expense, think of what you would wish for your very best friend. Would you want her to suffer with this kind of load for an indeterminate amount of time? No! Treat yourself with the same kindness you would easily offer someone else. Money gets a lower priority. Your health, relationships, and sanity get a higher priority. Get some help! You are under a TON of pressure right now. Something needs to give.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I don’t have a child or a husband, so this might not be the best suggestion. Why does the daycare need to be near your work? Would it be possible to find one close to your home so that you and your husband could split pick up and drop off duties? Or near your husband’s workplace so that he can take care of all the daycare stuff for at least a few months so you can meet your billable hour requirement?

    • original anon

      Thanks everyone for the great suggestions. I’m definitely going to get a cleaning person, look into buying gym equipment, and escalate the laptop request. I like the nanny-sharing idea too (any ideas how to find someone who wants to share?) and am going to ponder the others over the weekend.

      As for my husband, his schedule is as bad as mine. He has to take transit to work and the system he uses has a very limited schedule (like three trains in the morning and at night). He leaves at 5:30 at gets home after 8 in order to be able to be at work for 9 hours a day (his commute is two+ hours each way). He can’t drive without it taking just as long because he would have to fight some of the worst traffic in the nation. So he can’t handle daycare since the baby can’t go on a bike/commuter rail/subway/bike again.

      I take the baby to daycare near where I work because I have been unable to find a daycare near where I live that offers extended hours. I live in an area where most women stay home once they have kids, so daycare options are very limited, and I’d only be able to work 9-5, as opposed to 8-6, if the baby went to daycare near my home.

      I only have a 2k hours requirement, but I need to make up hours from pre-maternity leave, when my department was slow.

      I don’t think I can work at home because the partner from whom I get 95% of my work is very old school and likes face time.

      Oh, and the poor internet is at my firm’s office, not my home, so I can’t fix it.

      My husband is also very opposed to a nanny because he thinks the baby will be confused who his parents are. I think he’s being silly, but it’s one more obstacle to overcome if I decide to get one.

      • ahh510

        I was cross-posting, but I cursed in my post anyway, so it’s awaiting moderation. ;) With this add’l info . . . nanny share listings are often on Craigslist. Is there a local parents’ e-mail list/bulletin board? Also check there. And check with your local daycare-referral agency, see if they have any suggestions on finding a nanny share.

        Your collective commutes and work commitments do sound really crushing. Many hugs to you. In the vein of making changes to the big stuff because that’s where you reap the big rewards, those commute and hours commitments would definitely have me looking for alternatives, for both you and hubby. Good luck.

      • Nonny

        Seriously, you guys need to move. If your husband is commuting 2 hours each way, and you are commuting 1 hour each way, and you don’t get to see each other, and you are about to implode because of your schedule, then please bite the bullet and move to the city where your husband works, whether you have found a job or not. That alone should help considerably.

      • Diana Barry

        If the nanny will be getting paid more than your husband, then your husband needs to suck it up and deal. Baby will know who his parents are. :) Also, you could look into getting one of the SAHMs that are plentiful near you to watch baby – I know a family that does this with 2 babies the same age and they get along really well.

        I found a great, barely-used gym quality elliptical on craigslist. You might also consider working out a little bit less while your sleep is so limited.

        Re: working at home – I meant to make up stuff you couldn’t get done during ‘regular’ hours, not to not be there at all. As baby gets older (I think at 6 months mine started going to bed at 7 pm and sleeping straight through OR only getting up once), you will get some time back in the evenings to do some additional work.

      • nikkiesq

        Okay, the “who are my parents?” point is just ridiculous. You run the same risk with any 3d party caring for your child, including the day care, don’t you? Besides, if you got a nanny, maybe you would have more real, quality time to spend with him.

      • cbackson

        Wait, you have a 2,000-hour requirement *in a year in which you took maternity leave*? That’s insane. I can’t imagine trying to make that happen.

        • Herbie

          I think she meant 2000 hours normally. That would be reduced because she went on maternity leave. But she’s trying to make up pre-maternity hours.

          I say just let the pre-maternity hours go. Not worth it.

      • Anon

        I don’t have anything helpful to add, just wanted to say hugs. I have been living the life you describe for going on 5.5 years and added a second baby to the mix 3 years ago (breastfed both for 2 years each). It’s a living hell and I’m so freaking tired (though it does get better when sleep returns). If you can find a way to change, do it.

      • Anon

        Your husband needs to let go of his rejection of the nanny option. It sounds like you could afford it (at least in the short term) and your baby won’t have to wake up early and commute with you. Do you have space for an au pair?

        Barring that, network the hell out of finding a closer childcare.

      • Anonymous

        The baby doesn’t know who his dad is now. Tell him to quit his job and take care of the baby since he can’t afford a nanny, and doesn’t want one.

        • EM

          You said it, sister! I know plenty of stay at home dads. It’s not that big of a deal if the wife makes more. It really sounds like OP’s husband needs to make some sacrifices as well. What is most important to him, his job, living where you are now, or not having a nanny? He can’t have it all either. Having kids means making sacrifices and putting your family first. Taking care of the parents mental health is at the top of putting family first, IMHO.

          • Anonymous

            Yes, EM! My husband works at home and makes less money that he could if he worked in an office. But, he cooks and supervises homework and is always home when my son gets home. When the kid was a baby, hubby would put him in daycare about four hours a day so that he could get some work done. Because of my husband, I have it all. For real.

      • lawpryncess

        Big hugs to you! I don’t know how you’re doing it. I have a couple of suggestions.

        1. Talk to your husband about using his FMLA time NOW.
        2. Since you have some maternity leave left, I suggest using at least a week now. Get some sleep, clean the house (but only if you feel like doing so will help your sanity-it would mine in your situation), interview nannies, spend some quality time talking with you husband about your current issues, and just take some time to breathe.

        I also encourage you to throw some money at it. You work so hard to make it the least it can do is buy you some more sleep.

      • AttiredAttorney

        Most major cities have a nanny agency which will help match you. You’ll have to pay, but they’ll take care of all the screening, scheduling, etc.

        Also, if most of the moms in your area stay home with the kids, why not find one who could take on yours for a little extra $$? For this option, I would check into any mommy groups, church groups, etc to try and find someone who is a great mom and could handle one more child during the day. My guess is it will also be cheaper that daycare…

        It may sound totally sketchy and may not work depending on where you live, but also try Craigslist to find nannys/home day care situations. I worked as a fulltime nanny every summer during underground, and I found all my great families from well to do areas via CL.

        • JessC

          I’m sorry, but the “baby won’t know who his parents are” argument is BS and annoys the crap out of me. I was in daycare from infancy to about the age of 10 and turned out fine (and have a very close relationship with both my parents).
          I was never really in a “traditional” daycare. My sitters were all local women, most SAHMs, who had child-care licenses and would watch children in their homes. Their client lists were usually pretty short and there were rarely more than 3-5 children at the house at any given time.
          As opposed to a full-time nanny, sounds like maybe you just need a sitter for a few hours. My sitter actually used to pick me up from school. See if you can find someone who can pick baby up and watch baby (either at your home or elsewhere) for a 2-4 hours until your ready to take baby home.
          Think of it like this – the amount of time you spend with baby is less important than the quality of time you spend with baby. A solid hour or two of quality play time is far more valuable than 3-5 hours of stress and crying.

      • M-C

        “the baby will be confused who his parents are”? That’s not a husband, that’s a dinosaur. Either he should make money or he should make time, until then you need to do what -you- need..

    • ahh510

      Your husband has a job that has him out of the house until 8 pm, and it makes him less than half of what a nanny makes? Does his work start at noon? If so, you’re paying for a lot of daycare when there’s a parent at home.

      Okay, now that that’s out of the way. . . . In the great decision of daycare-near-work or daycare-near-home, I vote daycare-near-home (almost) every time, *especially* where the two parents work in different locations. It allows you and your husband to share pick-up/drop-off responsibilities, it means your baby doesn’t have to commute, and it means that when you have out-of-the-office meetings or travel, you’re not stuck still making the trip to the daycare. It would also allow you to have some evenings you stay at the office later for those events.

      You’ll get more efficient with pumping. But, also, every minute you invest in making it possible to work during pumping time will pay off big time. Even if you just use your pumping time for catching up on e-mails or timesheets, it’s worth it (and you can still use pumping time for a mental break when you need that too). Paper over the window and get a “do not disturb” sign — who gives a flying fuck if it advertises your pumping activity — get a hands free bra, figure out how to get a computer connection where you can pump – in short, make this happen. You’ve got your own office, so there’s no reason it’s not possible.

      I also wholeheartedly endorse the idea of throwing some money at the other time crunch issues, like laundry, food, etc.

      • M-C

        Totally agree with ahh510’s arguments about childcare near home. It’s essential if both parents are going to be parents. So the baby can’t be confused about the nanny, but it’s OK if he doesn’t know who his own father is because he never sees him? Phooey on that!

    • In House Lobbyist

      Wow. That is really an amazing schedule you have. I will say it’s difficult enough to have a new baby and try to pump at work. I did it for 6 months but I was able to do it in my office We have a nanny and I couldn’t do it without her. She is a college student so she only comes 3 days a week and my husband stayed home until our son was a year old. He is now in daycare 2 days a week. I was told once by a female partner to hire as much help as you can afford. I also learned to live with a much lower standard of housework after our son was born. We also have a housekeeper that comes every 2 weeks.

    • Nonny

      Hon, I am so sorry to hear what you are going through. I haven’t been in your situation and so many other ‘Ettes have given you amazing advice already. But as I read your post, I found myself thinking – where is her husband? It sounds like you are shouldering everything yourself. That cannot be good for you or your marriage. You need to talk to your husband about what you are doing through, and get his committed help.

      Do you actually need to work? Can you quit, move to the city where your husband works, and then look for a job there? You are putting so much pressure on yourself and you aren’t Superwoman. None of us are. As well, keep in mind that the hours requirements at your current job are not going to change. What is more important, (a) your child, your health and your relationship, or (b) working full-time in BigLaw and paying off your loans by February?

      None of us can answer these questions for you. But take a step back for a moment and ask yourself what is most important to you. You don’t have to do it all.

    • AnonMar

      I am not in this position (yet), although my first child is due in March. My very first suggestion is – make sure to talk to your doctor about your feelings just to rule out PPD. If that’s an issue, it could be making things even harder. Second – I think that you need to get to the root of the problem (which is: two jobs, two cities, 6 hours of commuting and a baby). That is a lot to take on, and there are only so many hours in the day. I think you and your husband need to have a realistic discussion about your priorities (mental and relationship health should be on the list)!

      That being said, until you can make larger changes, I have some smaller suggestions:
      1) I know it’s easier said than done, but can you find a daycare with different hours? All of the daycare centers that I visited allow dropoff at 7 am, pickup at 6-6:30 pm, and no max hours.
      2) Can you switch to a daycare center in your husband’s city so he can handle dropoff and pickup?
      3) I have no idea how this works, but could you use your remaining maternity leave to essentially reduce your billable hour requirements? That way you wouldn’t be so stressed about your billable hours. Not a lawyer, so don’t really know how this works.
      4) Gym: Could you work out in the morning near your office? My gym has childcare (not sure how early) so perhaps you could get your “me” time in during that wasted hour from 7-8 (or maybe even earlier, depending)

      GOOD LUCK!! I really hope you can make some changes (whether small or large) to make this more sustainable for you!

    • CKB

      Wow, you are doing so much! I am amazingly impressed. However, as PP have stated, and you have stated as well, something has to give. There have been some great ideas. I’d like to suggest stopping pumping? I’m the mom of 3 and I breastfed all of them at least 8 months, so I’m very pro-breastfeeding, as long as it is working for everyone, and I can’t help but wonder if it is still working for you? Your baby has had breastmilk for 4 months, which is amazing. Maybe it’s time to start supplementing with formula? Depending on how your body reacts to cutting back on pumping, it’s possible to still bf in the evenings & mornings but use formula during the day. I did it for 3 months with my first when I went back to work until I decided to 100% wean him.

      I know bf is a very personal topic, and I don’t mean to offend, but I just wanted to raise it as a possibility.

      I also found that I just couldn’t work out for the first year or so of my kids’ lives. It was just too crazy. Of course, this may be a stress reliever for you rather than a stress contributor, and if that’s the case, don’t stop!

      Good luck! I hope you & your dh can find a way to balance everything, because this is truly something that you need to work on together.

      • original anon

        Baby is only 2 months old, but I have thought about stopping bfing in another month or two. I just feel so guilty since hospitals, etc. push bfing so hard. Even formula has a warning about it.

        The gym is my only “me time”, so I hesitate to give it up. And it is good for stress relief. I wish the days weren’t so short now or I would spend the hour I have to kill before daycare will take the baby powerwalking with the baby in the stroller as a substitute for gym time. I also wish I could find a gym with childcare, but I’ve only seen it offered between 9 and 4 around here, which doesn’t help me or anyone else with a job.

        • mamabear

          Original anon, I know how you feel about the guilt/pumping.

          I gave up pumping at work around 6 months with each of my three, and was still able to bf nights and all day on the weekends.

          BF consultants and books and websites will tell you that you can’t do this, but many people can. What was key for me was lots of nursing on the weekends to keep my supply going. There are lots and lots of babies that have received a bottle of formula now and then and are doing fine.

          The guilt trip placed on new moms about breastfeeding is insane. I am very pro bf, but it’s just another arrow in the quiver of whomever it is (other women, truly) that think we all need to be Perfect in Every Way.

          • anon

            I was not able to pump at work — I felt too uncomfortable and, even if I hadn’t, it was too time consuming. I felt like I couldn’t get anything done and the increase in my stress level just wasn’t worth it. I did nurse at home during my 3-month maternity leave and was able to keep nursing to some degree at night and on the weekends after I gave up pumping.

            The MDs among us can speak to this with more authority than I can, but my understanding is that nursing is most beneficial during the first few months of life. It’s “ideal” to do it for a full year, but won’t hurt the baby in any major way to stop before then. Heck, I wasn’t breastfed at all and, as far as I know, I’m just fine.

          • Pam

            You’re getting good advice from everyone, and I can’t offer much helpful since I am luckily in Canada and able to take advantage of longer maternity leaves (I just don’t know how you moms in the US do it, there’s no way I could have been back at work at 2 months postpartum, I was barely functional as a human being at that point). But I wanted to say, and this is coming from a huge huge breastfeeding advocate, that I think you need to cut yourself some slack on the pumping front. It IS absolutely possible to drop the pumping but keep nursing babe when you are with him in the mornings and evenings. Absolutely. You might need to look into some natural supplements (i.e. mothers milk tea) to keep your supply up a bit but if you are nursing twice a day, for example, your body should adjust to just produce that much milk. Once my kids were a year old and onto cows milk during the days, I was still nursing in the mornings and evenings and did that for close to another year for each. I know lots of moms who have had that same experience. So it is possible. Formula is not going to be the end of the world for the other feeds.

            If you are anything like the typical female lawyers I know (myself included) you will want to do it all and that includes the insane pumping schedule, but please don’t be so hard on yourself.

        • meme

          If baby is only 2 months old, I think if you let yourself have that extra month of maternity leave, it will make a huuuuuuge difference. Babies become so much more manageable after the 3 month mark, then after the year mark, IMO. Plus, gives you more time to physically recover and for baby to start sleeping more.

        • Seattleite

          If you stop breastfeeding, you can switch off the night feeds with your husband, which would likely do wonders for your exhaustion.

          Please don’t discount the possibility of PPD. High-functioning women are able to hide/mask their depression for far too long, and that just makes it harder to treat.

          Outsource anything that doesn’t have a face. Your dishes don’t care who does them, your food doesn’t care who cooks it.

          And do whatever you have to do, even if it means accepting a less-than-ideal job, so that you two can work in the same city and have better commutes. Long commutes can be soul-suckers. FOOEY on them!

          • Pam

            YES. Please watch for PPD (and ask your husband to watch for it too since it’s hard to be objective about it) and PLEASE outsource absolutely everything you can. Paying down loans can wait. Outsourcing is worth the money.

        • M-C

          So sorry you’re feeling grossly guilt-tripped.. This isn’t really what breastfeeding should be about :-(. First, consider that most of the benefits to the baby of breastfeeding come within the first month or two (there are lots of studies about this). You’ve already done the most anyone could for him. But breastfeeding isn’t a small thing, it’s probably contributing heavily to your feelings of exhaustion. As well to being a major impediment at work and with the logistics of your entire life, contributing to the husband passing the buck entirely. And it’s also good for the baby to have a happy rested mother, even if he doesn’t see her a whole lot.
          Consider also that probably you, in any case most of several generations, have grown up without breasfeeding, and without detectable ill effects. Formula is a huge problem in the 3rd world, where babies may not be getting properly sterilized bottles, may die from the bugs they get that way, where parents may water down the formula because they can’t afford it. But it’s hardly a huge problem in the US..

    • RR

      Breathe. First and foremost, remember that babies get bigger and this really difficult time is very short.

      I think you have a couple key issues:
      1. Childcare. You need either a daycare with more flexible hours or a nanny. Period. End of story.
      2. You need to not dictate your schedule by whether your baby cries. Leave later if you want to, and both you and your baby will adjust.
      3. Division of labor. Your husband needs to do more, or you need to pick a daycare near your husband’s work and let him do that. It’s simply unfair for you to be doing pickup and dropoff, all feeding, most cleaning, all nighttime duty, and making the bulk of the household income, all while being the person trying to find a solution by searching for and interviewing for a job that lets him continue to do what he wants. It sounds like your husband is basically working a job that he likes for not much money. Maybe that’s not fair, but that seems to be what you feel. You both need to evaluate how to make this work for both of you.

    • EC MD

      I hope that you see by all these responses you are NOT alone.

      I was about 18 months from finishing a surgical residency when I had my son. I went back to work when my son was 6 weeks old, being the night time surgical chief at one of the busiest trauma hospitals in the nation. I worked 5:30 pm to 8AM 6 nights a week. So I have intimate knowledge about the bone crushing, soul destroying fatigue you are feeling.

      You have got. to. throw. money at this problem. My entire residency salary went to the salary of our nanny. It was the best decision my husband and I ever made. What would it feel like, to leave for work at a normal hour, leaving your child in his/her jammies with a person ho spent the day with him? She neatened the house for us, ran the dishwasher, did a little laundry.

      I would strongly advise you to start paying the minimum on your loans, and figure out how you want to spend the rest of the money. I am afraid for you; no one can keep up the pace you are talking about. Something will give, and it’s not a sign of weakness on your part. Keep looking for another job, but cut yourself some slack. One of the ways we made it through was that we, as a family, knew where the light at the end of the tunnel was. You don’t but keep working towards what you need.

    • Research, Not Law

      First off, adapting to life with a baby is hard for everyone. And going back to work with a newborn is extra challenging. It’s not just you; you’re truly in a difficult situation.

      Some suggestions:
      — Remove everything you can from your plate. Get a housekeeper and/or let the house be a disaster. Consider dropping the gym for now or doing a video (like 30 day shred) from home for a shorter period of time. Sounds like you have streamlined meals.
      — Delay the school loan payoff and apply the funds to a nanny. Even if it’s just for a few months until baby starts solids so you don’t need to pump as often and they do better in the car (lol, which they will!).
      — Is the 7-8 am hour quality time for you and baby? If so, keep it. If not, consider leaving later, even if it means a crying baby (and trust me, I understand the need to drive at “baby speed” but sometimes you’ve gotta do what you’ve gotta do).
      — Are you allowed to put up a curtain on your glass door, even if just while pumping. Depending on the set-up, you could use tension rods or hooks on suction cups. If there are still cracks, you can pump under a nursing cover.
      — Discuss your concerns about meeting your hours with your supervisor. Be upfront and honest about what you feel is realistic, while remaining progressive and open to feedback. If you’re struggling, it’s better they know now.
      — Absolutely apply your remaining maternity leave. Rather than going to 4 days/week, do shorter 5 hour days. It will help work with daycare schedule and honestly makes a big difference psychologically.
      — Is taking work home an option? It’s a real bummer to work weekends, but a couple of naptimes might be enough to get your hours into a comfortable level, although perhaps not complete.

      In sum, cut what you can and hire out the rest.

      Seriously, you need to make things easy for yourself right now. This is not the time to do it all. Also: It will get easier, I promise. The first few months are so challenging, but it will improve. This is temporary.

      • Research, Not Law

        I meant to say “shorter 5-day weeks” not “shorter 5 hour days”

    • Herbie

      I’m going to jump back in here and say, do not drop the gym!

      You’ve said you feel like it’s your only me time. I know you could get some gym equipment and cut down on gym travel time, but what if instead all it means is that you don’t work out at all because you’re home, and you feel like when you’re home you have to do housework, pay attention to baby, spend time with hubby, etc.? Keep that gym. If it involves a lot of travel time to/from, just find one closer to home.

      • a.

        Could not agree more. From what you’ve said, it sounds like your 45 minutes at the gym is literally the only time in your day where you can decompress. I know that for me, running is my link to sanity when my life is unbearable.

        Stay strong. Many hugs, lady.

    • Marie-Christine

      Sounds like you’re too tired to do any thinking :-(. Which isn’t surprising, considering. But without offering you larger life solutions, there are clearly some things that could improve your situation, and some of them must be done quickly before you keel over. You can keel over you know, and you certainly will if you keep this up..

      First, do let the job that got away know that you’re keenly disappointed, you really liked them, and you hope they’ll keep you in mind for later at some point. You never know, sometimes the first choice doesn’t work out, and they should feel free to call you in a couple weeks or months if there’s an opportunity :-). But even something in a year would be light at the end of the tunnel. I sure hope you do like that job much better, rather than just having it be something to make childcare better?

      Then you need to do something about childcare. Saving money is good, but throwing out your health and your sanity is NOT. That’s why we have money, so we can throw some at problems and get them better that way. I totally second anonymiss about how your husband needs to do more, much more. If he really can’t take a few months off till this settles down, you definitely need to do one or several of: have him drop off or pick up the kid, pay more to childcare (right now, this week) so your schedule isn’t an imposition, maybe get a part-time nanny to fill in at either end so you don’t freak if you’re stuck in traffic and can’t pick him up on time. And get some household help too while you’re at it, unless he’s doing his part on that end (which I doubt somehow).

      Also, you need to take some control of the annoying physical things at work. You can buy a shade and install it on your office door, so you can have some privacy. If anyone objects, tell them that’s just the way it is, or just bite their head off :-). If you really don’t want to make any holes in the door, you can bring in a folding vertical screen that can be used behind the door (send the husband to get one this weekend). Or you can tape paper or fabric on the glass (or spray starch is a great instant glue for lightweight things, and everything can be removed with a sponge). Install a lock on the door too, you will need that.

      And finally, you still have a job, just get on amazon right now and buy your own self a laptop today! Keep a copy of the bill handy, so that if they apologize for treating you so badly you can demand a refund :-). Make sure you order at the same time 2 chargers (and peripherals you need?) so you don’t have a fit if you forget something at work. Plug it into the network cable at work so you can access directly into the work network (if they’d give you a second plug, great, if not just don’t use their damn desktop).

      Are you the first woman in that place to have a baby? If not, you need to have a conversation with your predecessor(s) pronto. I any case, have a talk with the husband, and stop it with the loans already.
      Don’t give up hope, just make sleep a priority for a while.. And don’t let yourself be shoved into the part-time mommy track and ruin your career, it’s not worth it.

      • Anonymous

        Wait. I just realized you took only two months of maternity leave. Dad can surely take a month off as well and take up the slack for a while. Huge difference between a two month old and a three month old.

        • Anon

          HUGE difference between 2 and 3 months. Huge. I went back at 3 months with both of my kids; couldn’t have done it at 2. Try to get husband to take some paternity and try to take the rest of your maternity where you can if you can. I think it will help. (and my son stopped the screaming in the car thing around 3 months btw).

          agree with all the other stuff. Get the help where you can. I didn’t breastfeed, no guilt, but everyone has different positions on that.

          You can do this. You just need some time to figure out what works for your family. but you absolutely cannot shoulder the burden all on your own. We’re all superwomen here, but anyone would crack under this kind of pressure. And the problem is – you’re feeling this way when everything is essentially going according to plan. There is no room for error. Baby will get sick, things will come up at work, things happen that make normal routine more difficult. I’m afraid that there is not enough flexibility built into your routine to withstand the normal bumps of life. (I say this with love from a mom who’s been through plenty of bumps.)

    • nola

      This is only a small suggestion, but might help with the pumping in an office with a glass door: we also have glass doors, and an associate at my firm who was pumping just brought in a quilt, hung it over the door and closed the door (so it was stuck between the top of the door and the frame, covering the glass part of the door). That way no one could see in and we also knew not to knock while she had the quilt up. She could keep working and have some privacy at the same time.

    • North Shore

      I was at an ABA seminar recently that had a panel discussion on “why women are good for your law firm’s business,” which then veered into a discussion of why women are so poorly represented in law firm partnership, and, well, your post is why. You are getting no support from your firm, your husband, or your family. I’m all in favor of work/life balance (I’m a litigator with kids in middle school now), but your balance is just too hard, and you need to make some changes. Too bad if your husband doesn’t want a nanny — you can’t keep doing this. I found a nanny share through a posting in my local playground. It’s so nice to have child care in your own home. The baby’s sleep schedule will improve, you don’t have to pack up stuff, you don’t have to drive with crying baby, etc. See if you can find a nanny for now, to help you get through this, while you look for a permanent solution, like moving and getting new jobs. Your firm sounds like a problem, too, in that they are so inflexible about things. I ended up working part time, and now I telecommute, which is great, and my higher-ups are always using me as an example of the benefit of giving new moms the flexibility they need to stick with the job. But then, I work for the government, which is different. Also, having a baby at 2 months is a really hard time for any mother, so hugs to you for all you are going through.

    • westwoodmom

      Here’s my advice as a working lawyer mom of two:
      1) You must get a nanny. It will make a huge difference. The nanny can do laundry, and other minor housekeeping as mentioned by others. You will no longer have to prepare for daycare each day or have a screaming baby in the car for hours. When babies get to about 8 months old, they lose your immunities which keep them relatively healthy in the early months. Daycare babies get sick all the time, and they can’t go to daycare when they are sick. You or your husband will have to miss work to take care of the sick baby. Most nannies will take care of sick kids (something to make double check when you interview potential nannies). I know few firm lawyers who were able to make day care work given the daycare operating hours unless their spouse was able to handle some part of drop off and pick up.
      2) Seriously consider stopping breastfeeding. I’m a huge advocate of breastfeeding, but sometimes the benefits don’t outweigh the costs to the mom. You seem to be in that category. You would get hours back in your work day, and would be less tired. Using formula would enable your husband to help more with the evening feedings. Having a happier, less-stressed mom is the most important thing for baby
      3) You need to figure out what you and your spouse’s long-term career goals. If you are going to be the primary wage earner, then he needs to do the majority of the “other stuff”. If you are going to downscale to a less-demanding and less lucrative law job, do it now, and don’t worry about the loans. If he really makes half a nanny’s salary but wants to continue working, are there alternatives to the two-hour commute? You can’t be a superwomen who works long hours to support the family, and handles all of the childcare and most of the household responsibilities.

      It will get easier. But no new mom should have to carry the load your carrying, make it easier on yourself and don’t feel guilty about it.

    • anon daughter

      This sounds so familiar to me (right down to the two-city commuting geography, seriously), only I was the child in this situation. Obviously, I don’t remember being a baby, but similar patterns of my mom having long hours/long commutes/restricted child care availability repeated themselves until I was in high school. Lots of commenters have given really great advice for handling the next few months, and I would only add that nannies can be absolutely fantastic for a kid, and that in the long run, planning to move or switch jobs in order to ease the commute is as big an investment in a family as paying off student loans might be.

      I had about a million daycare arrangements as a kid, and as I grew older, so many of my nannies/babysitters became really important people in my life. In the best cases, nannies can be additional people who really care about your child–how could that be a bad thing?

      Moving closer to my mom’s workplace would have been expensive, and an effort, and would have meant that my siblings and I would have had to switch schools, so I completely understand why my mom kept us where we were. In hindsight, though, moving would have given us all so many more hours together. She wouldn’t have been so drained when she finally made it home at night (when you say it is the worst traffic, I believe you!), and all of the stress and driving wouldn’t have caused her some long-term health problems (this is obviously particular to her case, and it sounds like by going to the gym, you are taking better care of yourself than she did in this regard. Keep it up!). She and I have talked about this a lot in the years since, and I know that we lived where we did so that us kids would have a particular set of opportunities (hello, backyard!), but I wish, I wish, I wish she had made the call to move the family, take better care of herself, and cut out this huge source of stress. The time we spent together when I was growing up would have been entirely different…

      • Anonymous

        Breastfeeding is fabulous. But, YOU ARE NOT A BAD MOTHER IF YOU STOP BREASTFEEDING. It is really hard to pump, and to be responsible for all night feedings. Don’t feel guilty if you let it go.

    • KK

      Wow. I have not been there, done that yet, but my coworker has a 3 month old and is pumping and commuting and doing the whole bit. But her husband stays home, and our workplace is fairly flexible. Even with that, she is exhausted all the time, so I just cannot imagine how you must be feeling.

      I had an excellent professor whose area of expertise was women in the traditional law and corporate workplace. She told us that you absolutely can have it all, but you cannot have it all at the same time. There are not enough hours in the day. Something has to give. Many feminists have suggested that this myth of “having it all” does more harm than good because it encourages women to chase something that is not possible, leaving them exhausted, miserable, and dissatisfied (because in trying to be great at everything, they end up being mediocre at everything and great at nothing). This is not to say you can’t work and parent. Just that you cannot be supermom to a young child, while simultaneously exceeding expectations in a demanding career, paying off your student loans ahead of schedule, keeping the house clean, being nice to your husband, etc. You can do all of those things in your lifetime, just not at the same time. So pick which of your goals and obligations can be put on the backburner for now, then put them there, and do not feel guilty about it.

      I’ll leave the practical advice to the ladies who have been there already.

      • Anonymous

        No woman can have it all unless her husband is invested in the family as well.

        • KK

          Very true. I think the OP’s husband could certainly improve, though I wouldn’t go so far as to say he isn’t invested in the family. From what I’ve seen with my siblings/sibs in law, men can be bewildered by the needs of a newborn, especially first time dads. They tend to leave it to mom because they think it comes “more naturally” to moms and they’re scared of hurting the kid somehow. They usually get over it on their own as the kid gets older and, to them, less fragile. But OP needs him to jump in with both feet now. He might just need encouragement. Or a solid kick in the butt.

    • Jennifer

      I have a nanny that gets the kids ready in the morning, brings my daughter to school and my son to daycare, and then picks them up in the evening. The best part is when I get home, all the routine stuff is done and we all get to spend good quality time together–not frantic running around time. As much as it hurts, I think you have to throw money at the problem. And its just the beginning becase kids are expensive! Good luck!

    • ML

      Oh honey. I just feel for you. I hope you realize that you are AMAZING. I can’t believe you’ve kept this up as long as you have. You need to know that what you are doing is absolutely incredible, and that you have every right to feel exhausted. I work a firm job, have hardly any commute to speak of, a great husband who picks up the slack, and no kids, and still feel overwhelmed many days. I can’t even imagine doing your schedule. You’ve received tons of advice, but I just want to say- I would try to implement a couple immediate fixes in the next day to week:
      1. put down the dishes, or, if you have to, give up the gym for one night, and call your mom. or your best friend. Tell them what’s going on. You need someone to lean on and listen to you.
      2. See your doctor re PPD
      3. give up the pumping! obviously, it’s your decision, blah blah, but you’ve already done a great job, and for your sanity, i would just move to formula. not to start a breast milk war…I am pro-choice, but I also really, really hate all the guilt about not breast feeding. do what’s right for you- nothing wrong with formula.
      After that, work on the long term issues- the commute, the job search, husband’s role, finding a daycare/nanny, revising your budget. I think the idea of your husband taking some family leave or vacation time is fantastic. But you need to do something in the short term to regain your sanity, asap.

      Best of luck to you!

    • original anon

      Thanks for the support and suggestions. I feel so much better knowing that others have had similar situations and you all have given me so many good ideas to try as I attempt to fix things.

      I talked to my husband about the situation tonight, some (it’s hard to have extended conversations with the baby, who has been particularly fussy this evening) and we reached a couple of decisions. He’s going to start working at home one day per week, which will allow me to bill more hours that day and hopefully have a break from chores since he will take care of them while he’s at home (or else). (To all who suggested he take a leave, he would if he could, but he has a fellowship that isn’t subject to FMLA, and provides no vacation, sick days, paternity leave, etc.; basically, if he doesn’t go to work, he resigns his fellowship. He already has missed a lot of work because the people he works with didn’t report him to the administrators of the fellowship, but he feels bad continuing to rely on their goodwill.)

      Second, I am paying someone to clean the house tomorrow and once a week after that. I feel stressed when I come home to a mess, so this should make me happier.

      Third, my mother-in-law, who was already planning a visit this weekend, will stay until Tuesday morning and she will watch the baby on Monday so I will have a temporary respite from taking the baby to daycare. She’s also going to be primarily responsible for the baby on Sunday so I can catch up on my hours from this week.

      Fourth, we discussed my husband’s aversion to a nanny. He said he wants the baby to go to daycare to be socialized properly; I think it’s premature to worry about socialization. I suggested a nanny share, and he was agreeable, but I haven’t been able to find one near me after combing Craigslist. I may post an ad to see if someone is interested in doing one with me, but I need to do some research about the cost of a nanny first (when I had done research before, I had gotten quotes of about $7500 a month-ouch).

      Fifth, before I left work, I got the whole laptop issue resolved and I will have one on Monday or Tuesday.

      Sixth, I got my daycare to agree to watch the baby for 11 hours (from 7 until 6) in exchange for another $150 per month.

      I’m still pondering how to best use my remaining maternity leave, but I agree that’s part of the solution too.

      • EC MD

        You should not be posting so late! Unless you are nursing, or having a single free moment to yourself.

        Pat yourself on the back — you just made some huge strides. All that in less that 12 hours? I’m impressed. Keep focused on your priorities, and figure it out one day at a time. Those are all great ideas to start the ball rolling.

        I’m proud of you!

      • Westwoodmom

        That monthly nanny quote you received is insane — I live in a large NE city and have never heard of anyone paying more than $1000 a week. I have a legal nanny who is wonderful with 10 years experience, we pay her social security, etc . . and we pay about $800 a week, all included. Further, you can set up a dependent care account at most employers that will allow you to put aside $5000 to pay your nanny with pretax dollars ( this only is an option if your nanny pays taxes, you need to supply her social security number to get reimbursement).

        One problem with a nanny share is that you may still wind up bringing your baby to another person’s house, and even if you don’t, someone taking care of an infant and another child is not going to have time to do some of things around the house you may like to have done. I would consider doing more research about hiring a nanny. I think if you do additional research you may find that hiring a nanny is significantly cheaper than you imagine.

      • Anonymous

        I just have to go back to the difference between 2 months and 3 months. There is a reason that maternity leave is standard 3 months. Your baby needs you and your body needs rest. Remember that you are a mammal caring for your young. Also, remember that you may be suffering from PPD. I promise, if you step back now, take another month off from work, you will feel better in the New Year. Oh, and socialized babies in day care? Sorry, you come first!

        • anon

          Sorry anon, 3 months isn’t necessarily standard- my global company based in US is 6 weeks disability leave at partial pay, or 8 weeks for C-section. Sad but true.

      • Seattleite

        It’s a bit premature to be worried about baby’s socialization. Until they’re about 2, babies are socialized by their caregivers rather than their peers. So, maybe a nanny until age 2, then consider moving child to day care?

        Not to add things to your list, but I strongly recommend that you and your hsuband read a good book on children’s development and milestones. Many parenting disagreements occur simply because one parent doesn’t have an appropriate sense of what is reasonable to expect of a child. (This is not a slam on your husband…I’ve seen it from parents of both sexes.)

      • associate

        When are your hours up for the year? End of December? Are you being realistic about your chances to meet your hours this year? I would take a hard look and think about whether it is worth killing yourself in order to meet 2000 if you need to bill 180-200+ hours in December. Sounds like (to me) the answer is no.

      • M-C

        Wow! Way to go, original anon :-).
        So often, we forget to apply to practical daily life the skills that get us through the workday. But you right now need to treat it as a straight management job, complete with uncooperative associates with irrational demands (socialized properly! at 2 months! he’s the one who needs to be socialized, or at least do some serious reading..). And kudos for you to at least have a mother-in-law who jumps right in (maybe sh can help with the husband management?).
        Hang in there, even by mid-next week you’ll feel better already. And go to bed now, no amount of exercise will compensate for lack of sleep..

        • anon

          OP, great for you on all these updated steps taken! How wonderful to see our little community at work and to know relief is on the way for you! I am pregnant, work for a big company, and have been reading this thread to absorb the inputs. Let’s face it, nothing about our situations as working mothers of babies is easy- it’s all about mitigation. Some stuff can’t be delegated, but what can, must, to preserve any happiness for us at all. THanks for sharing your story and good luck transitioning to the new arrangements, we are all pulling for you.

      • nikkiesq

        I agree with others that it’s silly to be worried about socialization already. Maybe your DH would be more comfortable if you found an education major at your local college so he can feel that someone is actively monitoring/fostering baby’s development? Or two, so they can switch days? That would probably also be a relatively inexpensive option. Either way, best of luck to you! I’m glad you are moving forward with turning things around for yourself.

    • Coach Laura

      Hindsight being 20-20, I hope some of what we say can help you, anon, because it sure as heck is hard to see it when you’re right in the middle of it.

      Presenting it as a no-options scenario is a red-flag. You do have options, it’s just hard to see them.

      Others have given good advice about better daycare, hiring help, not stressing about saving money in the short run. I will say this: You are the breadwinner and you need to protect your health, your sanity and your job in that order, because if you mess that up, the baby, family and everything else will be worse off.

      Regarding the jobs you turned down, can you do some discreet checking and let them know that you’re still interested? If they truly are jobs that you would like (not because you’re desperate) a second run at them is worth a try.

      And even if your hubby doesn’t want to stay home, he needs to suck it up and take some things at home off you. It will damage your relationship if you don’t. His body isn’t producing milk and recoving from 9+ months of gestating and reading between the lines, things are falling to you that shouldn’t.

      But otherwise, get a nanny, a driver, a “mother’s helper”, and definitely better daycare and a housekeeper – do things to take the pressure off yourself. Good for you that you’re working out – that is an important thing.

      Best of luck to you.

      • Coach Laura

        And that’s what I get for posting without reading the whole thread: Anon, you just made a big start to relieving the pressure. Good for you!

    • Working Girl

      Oh, sister. I have been there. I will try to post a little more on this later (crying baby!), but all I can say for now is you need to be able to pump in your office. Have them put paper over the glass window. Put the request in writing. They may say you have an accommodation because there is a nursing room, but you should respond that it’s not sufficient because it causes you yo lose an hour of billable time a day. I am telling you, pumping in my office while billing time saved me from giving up breastfeeding altogether.

      • original anon

        The other problem is that there is no lock on my door and no way to install one (we have super-modern sliding doors) and a lot of my coworkers don’t respect a closed door. Because of this, I think pumping in my office would really stress me out. I’m hoping that with the firm giving me a laptop next week, I can just unplug from the network, walk to the nursing room, plug back into the network and keep working seamlessly. If that doesn’t work, I either need to quit pumping or get comfortable with pumping in my office.

        • anon

          YOU CAN DO THIS, original anon. My office also has sliding glass doors with no lock. Our glass is frosted, so that’s one less complication than you. The women in my office nurse in their offices, and they all use signs that they only have up when they are pumping, as opposed to the regular closed door because they’re busy. One woman used a cartoon picture of a cow with the message “DO NOT ENTER” underneath, at (male) eye level. Another woman had no picture, but put up a “DO NOT ENTER. CALL [EXTENSION].” in red, bold, at (male) eye level. You can also put your guest chair in the track so that the door bumps up against something as it starts to slide open. The oblivious (male) attorneys who somehow miss the sign directly in front of their faces figure it out when they encounter a “bump” as they try to open the door. I think one of the women got walked in on once (before she started doing the chair method). She was using a nursing cover, and the (male) attorney was far more embarrassed than she was. She looked him right in the eye, still pumping but covered, and said, “Did you not see the sign?” It never happened again.

          They all have minifridges in their office for the milk as well.

    • mamabear

      Attention all sanctimommies who think working moms are selfish and don’t sacrifice for their kids.

      Read this thread.

      Thank you.

    • DC Association

      My heart goes out to you!!

      OK, First, I have GOT to ask (I cannot believe someone didn’t, unless i missed it), where in the heck do you live? Telling us might give you some location-specific advice. For example, in DC there is a website with bulletin boards and a listserve called DC Urban Moms. People post here all the time about nanny shares, nanny recommendations, daycare ides, etc. Most likely there’s something similar in your area but you just might not know about it.

      No matter where you are, $7,500/month for a nanny is WAY.TOO.MUCH. Unless it is Mary Poppins herself, of course. A nanny really is your way to go. For one year it is totally worth every single penny. Agree with the poster about when kids get sick, they cannot go to daycare, adding more stress to your life. Get the nanny. now.

      Next, I hope and pray that you have one of those nifty things that allows you to pump hands-free. Like this: http://www.amazon.com/Easy-Expression-Hands-Free-Pumping/dp/B003C7TMT8. This was a lifesaver for me. Now that you have your laptop, you can actually type with two hands whilst pumping. And the whole pumping process will only take 20 or so mins.

      Good luck and keep us posted!

      • Another Stephanie

        You are making great progress!

        The nanny piece deserves more discussion with your husband, have a deep conversation – maybe he’s associating more with it than you are, it’s to foreign, etc.

        I’ll probably get flack for this, but one way we made it with breastfeeding was using a mini-co-sleeper (forget the brand) and I was literally rolling over and nursing when needed. It really took the edge off of sleep deprivation. Skip this thought if you shop for special alarm clocks because you sleep that deeply. Or if you’re on medication, or go to bed less-than-sober.

        It’s only a few months until they start solids, which gives a break for pumping. And really, if you are pumping enough now, chances are, if you cut back, your body will adjust and you will still be able to nurse your child in the evening/morning.

        For pumps, there was a brand called Whisper Wear that could allow you to pump and work. Medela may have a similar one now.

        Another time-saver for me was having extra sets of horns, throwing them in the fridge (in a bag) and doing The Real Washing at home. Buy an extra set to keep at the office – it can be sterilized and sold on craigslist when you’re done. With your commute you do not want to forget something critical!

        Talk to HR, and see if your state has BF laws that may help you (and the old-school partner)

        This, too, shall pass, with loads of cute baby pics.

        • Anonymous

          Hopefully this isn’t too late to help. Medela will sell you extra pump parts so that you don’t have to wash everything to have a clean set. It’s been really helpful to me to be able to pack tomorrow’s pump bag. While today’s stuff is still in the dishwasher. Ditto with bottles — I still wash everythinevery day bur it’s nice to be able to pack it all up and know that the dishwasher can be run later. The best invention as far as I am
          concerned is medela’s pump wipes — you can wipe everythingdown and put it away and reuse it later and the do the real wash when you get home. No parading the pump parts through the office

          • Anonymous

            And, sorry for the typos. Smartphone is not too friendly to typing large posts!

    • KM

      Hi! Congratulations & hugs to you! I scanned the other comments so I know you’ve already gotten lots of good advice. I didn’t see anyone talking about Postpartum Depression, so I just want to mention that women with high expectations of themselves & stressful lives are at risk. You know yourself & what is normal for you– If this feels like depression (rather than being very discouraged but still basically feeling like yourself) I would encourage you to check in with your doctor & consider counseling/ support groups. I know you don’t have an extra hour a week to sit in a therapist’s office, but if you’re depressed & needing support it will be time well spent. As a mom of a one year old & a two year old, I know it is suuuper tiring sometimes. You’ll make it!

    • anon

      Full-time BigLaw litigator (with full-time working spouse) and mom of two <6 (had both my kids at the firm): In addition to all the fine advice already, long-term, you need to cut down your commute. I firmly believe that having EVERYTHING as close as possible to you is the key to your sanity. That means jobs, gym, pediatrician, dentist, haircuts, dry cleaners, whatever–I live in a city, and try to keep as much of this stuff as possible within 10-15 minutes of my house. Anything longer can feel overwhelming, and any time you spend getting from point A to point B is time you could be working or with your family. To me, that time is way more important than the bigger living space we could have in the suburbs. And you both have insane commutes! So once you get over the short-term hump, I would think long and hard about what you can do to centralize your life in one place.

      Also, Peapod, FreshDirect, Amazon, Diapers[dot]com–anything that can deliver to your house and doesn't require you to go to a store is your friend in this situation. My non-negotiables are time at work, and time with my husband and kids. The rest of it really IS negotiable, and you can pay not to have to deal with it. Your sanity is worth it.

      Good luck. It gets easier–by six months, you will have a totally different baby, and your one-year-old will be a world different from that….

      • D

        To Orig Anon-
        I’m really happy for you that you’ve started to find so many resolutions towards finding a slightly more sane life. Though admittedly I have no idea what’s sane with having a child. Thank you for reaching out to our community because this disucssion probably has helped lots of women with the issues their facing with!

        If you need anything else, please feel free to reach out to this crazy group of professional sisters! Keep us updated esp if you find anymore things that have been helpful for you!

  12. eek

    Bobbi Brown gel eyeliner wearers:

    How long does your pot last? I’ve had mine for a year and am not even halfway through it even though I wear it 90% of the time. Does it go bad? I had my previous pot for almost 2 yrs and I only replaced it because I apply it to my eyes almost daily. Also, I feel like I must be pretty lazy with the Bobbi Brown brush because mine doesn’t go on like liquid liner (it’s more smudged) unless I flatten the the brush w/ a cotton pad before applying. But it quickly loses shape and I’m too lazy to flatten the brush every single time. I’ll try and be less lazy.

    • JJ

      I’ve never run out of eye-liner yet. I threw away one pot because it was literally so old that the gel was starting to harden (probably around 2 years). Otherwise, these things feel pretty endless.

      I don’t clean my brush every single day, but before I use it each morning, I always rub it on my wrist/thumb to get the previous day’s gel off. At that point, the old gel just flakes right off and the brush is pretty clean. However, I am a generally lazy person when it comes to washing my brushes and I could inadvertently be poisoning myself with this method and never know…

      • NDR

        I wipe my brushes every other day with rubbing alcohol on a Kleenex or cotton ball. It takes the liner off perfectly and disinfects any eye germs that might get on it. If you do it before you line your eyes, it also has a paint thinner effect on the eyeliner and seems to make it go on more smoothly.

    • Circe

      I wipe off the excess gel on the edge of the pot, which has the effect of flattening the brush. Then line half your eye with one edge, and flip it over. Re-dip, re-wipe, other eye. Also, I find that if you wash the brush daily instead of just wiping the gel off , it helps with precision.

      • Always a NYer

        Instead of washing my brushes everyday, I’ll use baby wipes to clean them between uses. Very easy and my lazy self doesn’t usually object to it. It also improves my makeup application.

    • Anonymous

      I wash the brush every day. You should get new eyeliner at least every year, and I aim for 2x/year, just so that you don’t get an eye infection. Also, the new jar will be creamier and easier to apply.

    • ER

      I learned on this board that you can make the gel creamier by mixing the hardened BB eyeliner with vaseline or something similar (I use aquaphor). It does last forever, so this thread is a good reminder to me to clean my brushes!

      • eek

        Thank you for all the tips! Will do better about my brush (cleaning and flipping) and will try mixing with vaseline. I think part of the problem is that it’s a year old now and is drying up.

  13. Equity's Darling

    I just rented my Christmas Party dress, I’ll post the link in a reply. I’m looking for styling suggestions….

    • Jas

      I think, like the model, I’d stick with accessories in neutral colours to make the shimmery bits pop. Although now that’s I’m thinking about it, how cute would that look with a pair of coral shoes?

      • Equity's Darling

        Oh, I love the idea of coral, I’m just worried about it looking too summery (although…if I need a dress again for the summer, I’d definitely wear a coral).

        I was sort of thinking about a deep red patent shoe maybe?

        Also, tights? Yay? Nay?

        (though it may be cold enough here on Dec. 17 that tights may be a requirement…)

          • a.

            That sounds really pretty! Although I think teal shoes would look nice as well.

            Or maybe cranberry or teal tights, with nude-for-you shoes? But then I love a colored tight, so I’m biased :)

          • Homestar

            Second the taupe tights. But (in my opinion) red or cranberry shoes would look way too harsh for this dress. Do you have anything metallic? Some gold or bronze heels would be stunning. (And this is coming from someone who does not usually like metallic shoes!)

            Or, skip the tights and do a teal or green shoe.

  14. anon

    I find that shoes cut this high on the foot are very unflattering — shorten the leg and make me look stumpy.

  15. MelD

    I need some strapless bra advice. My usual experience is that I buy a bra that lasts about two wears before it stretches out and starts falling down. I don’t wear them more than once or twice a year. I’ve heard that it’s a good idea to go down a band size and up a cup size, but when I do that, it’s a size that’s not really available anywhere in stores and only in very limited (and extremely expensive) styles that appear to be in the $70 range. Is that the best way to go about it? I’m also thinking I could just have cups sewn in since that may be less expensive in the long run. Any thoughts?

    • Sweetknee

      I can’t really say I have tried this, since I am rather well-endowed, but I have seen those silicone adhesive stick on cups to wear under strapless dresses. . . I think they are basically disposable, and pretty cheap.

      Good luck !

    • AttiredAttorney

      My go-to strapless bra is a $30 bra that is almost more comfortable/supportive than my regular $70 bras. If you google “Lilyette strapless with convertible straps” (stye #929), that’s the one. And yes, I agree with the down a band size rec., but I usually stick with my normal cup size. Don’t know if they’ll have your size in this style, but it’s worth a try.

      • Marie-Christine

        If you go down a band size, you must go up a cup size in order to have the same size cups. A 36B has the same size cups as a 34C or a 38A. Strapless is enough, you don’t need to be overflowing as well..

    • Twiggy

      I have never, ever found a strapless bra that would fit my (noncurvy, boyish) frame. Instead, I have always used strapless, backless bras. These bras look like corsets and can be expensive, but they stay in place and I never have to worry about them slipping down. Or, I have been known to use duct tape in a pinch (done right, it gives me serious cleavage–which no bra can do)! Keep in mind that I have an A cup, so YMMV.

  16. Anon for this question

    As bonus/salary increase season approaches, I have a question for the BigLaw lawyers of the hive. Would you say it is generally true that full-time associates have no room to negotiate these issues? (Not talking about negotiations for laterals moving to a big firm, but for the associates that have been working there for some time.) Thanks!

    • karenpadi

      I think most of BigLaw is lockstep, so nope, probably not. Unless you have a solid justification (e.g., billed through more hours than anyone else in the department).

      If the firm is not in a lock-step, hours-based bonus system, there is definitely room to negotiate a bonus/salary increase. Especially the firm isn’t paying its associates according to the rule of thirds. I’ve witnessed a male of-counsel walk into a partner’s office, ream the partner out, threaten to quit (and take other profitable associates with him), and …. walk away that evening with a $50,000 check. As one of the “profitable associates”, I got a $5k check out of that. It was sweet.

    • Anonymous

      In my firm the bonus is based on your rating and your hours. Assuming they have the rating right, the only room for negotiation – and this should really be before rather than after the fact – is hours. For example, should you be getting credit for otherwise non-billable “office” hours because you spent so much ti e recruiting, or serving on a committee? Better to take this up before the bonus is set rather than after.

  17. Karen

    Newly pregnant and have a low bulge . My normal pants do not fit, going up a size did not work because the waist comes up too high and is uncomfortable. I tried the bella band but it shows and I haven’t yet announced at work. My workplace is casual but I am at a loss for what to wear. At home, I spend most of the evenings/weekends in yoga pants with a roll down waist. Any suggestions for brands or things to try.

    • JK

      Motherhood has a really cheap pair of black pants with an underbelly elastic that you can wear in early pregnancy and after you give birth. I could not find them online, but they are great work pants. I bought them after I had my first child (couldnt’ get back into my old pants right away) and am wearing them now with the second!

    • JJ

      Congrats!! Honestly, I gave up on pants pretty quickly. You have a lot give with skirts (wear a long enough cardi and no one can see how far you have it unzipped) and dresses. I wore my pre-pregnancy skirts until I was 24 weeks or so. And the band can show some- it’s just supposed to look like a layered tank or tee coming out from the bottom.

    • viclawstudent

      Do the pants just not fit because you can’t get the button done up? I’ve seen a tip for this phase of pregnancy when you want to use the same ol’ pants but they’re straining over the belly – take a hair elastic, insert it through the button hole (so part of it’s on either side, and then loop both ends over the button. The pants are “on” in that the top parts aren’t flapping open, but it’s not digging in. (Obviously in this situation you can’t really wear a belt, but you probably don’t want to anyhow). Then as long as you’ve got a shirt/blazer cardigan that covers the top of your pants, no one can really tell.

      • anon

        don’t know if you’ve been pregnant but this is not what we are talking about- the pants literally don’t begin to zip at all:) also, it isn’t appropriate at all, if this gets exposed in the office. tried the rubber band one day in my second month of pregnancy, disaster.

    • LawDawg

      Early in my pregnancy, I found some business casual type pants with elastic waists at Kohl’s. They were cost effective and wore well for the few weeks I needed them.

      • anon

        I’m in same boat… started showing 2nd month (petite person) and have yet to find pants that work, even maternity ones- the panels are too constricting. I’m wearing dresses, and hate the sythnetic tights feel on my stomach even when worn low, but is best option so far. I’m 4th month. The mat clothes are terrible. I’m in formal corporate environment. The Gap has demi-panels that look more comfortable, but aren’t- have to mail back, super tight panel. It is really hard. Good luck- post if you find something good. I think the Motherhood pants are awful- cheap, bunchy, unlined, constricting panels. Hate them. By 10am, all I can think about is my yoga pants.

        • Bursting out

          See if you can find some pants from Ripe Maternity. I have some from a consignment store that are cut like yoga pants – wide fold-over/fold-up waist band – but made out of stretchy twill work-appropriate fabric. I wore them constantly in the first few months before most maternity clothes would fit.

          I also have some Jules and Jim pants from Belly Dance Maternity (online) that have a wide, low waist band. I had to wear them with a Bella band early on to prevent them from falling down, but they were pretty comfortable before I was fully mat-sized.

  18. AnonInfinity

    Worst.day.ever. Royally messed up something at work. Not worried about getting fired, just upset about looking like an idiot in front of some “higher ups” that I really respect and want to respect me.

    • DT

      That sucks. Hopefully the higher ups remember when they were on your level and messed up as well. I am sure it will just pass. Everyone makes mistakes. And, we all start somewhere. They were lower level ee’s at some point as well!

    • Eleanor

      Same thing happened to me (well, I caused it to happen) yesterday. I started in September, and some days it seems like I’m doing a great job, other days I feel like an idiot but no one seems to notice, and occasionally, like yesterday, I do actually do idiotic things.

      At least the partner overseeing the project was nice about it. When he called me to his office I thought he was going to ream me out, so I closed the door behind me (kind of rare at my firm), but he approached it in a much more constructive manner, and I just had paralegals looking in through the closed glass door as though they were wondering why it was closed. Anyway, hopefully I can show in the future that I really can do a good job with this partner.

      • AnonInfinity

        That’s me, exactly! I don’t think the partner was mad, and she was nice to me about it. Back in the saddle today, and hoping to make up for it!

      • LawyrChk

        I’m two years in and still feel like this sometimes. Some days I am firing on all cylinders and working above my pay grade, other days I feel like I can’t do anything right. If you’re in a firm, it’s just part of the territory/learning process.

        My goal is just not to make the same mistake twice.

    • Homestar

      This kind of things happens. Try not to be too bothered right now, and then look back at this in a few months. Hopefully you can realize that it is OK to make a mistake every once in awhile and that things usually aren’t as bad as they seem in the moment. Hugs!

      • Jacqueline

        Sorry to hear that, but it sounds like you have a great attitude and you’ll be just fine! I’ve been in a similar situation, and I totally agree with Homestar that things seem so much worse in the moment than even a day or two later. In a week, it’ll be completely forgotten! And the fact that you care and want to do a good job speaks volumes — it’s not like you’re just blowing it off. Hope things get better soon!

    • AnonInfinity

      As usual, y’all are right. I thought I’d caused us to miss a deadline, but found out yesterday that the deadline actually isn’t until Monday. Yippee! The partners still know that I need to repeat kindergarten and learn to count, but at least my error didn’t mess us up.

      Thanks for the support. Onward and upward!

  19. anon for this

    I’m struggling with a problem at work. I am the senior person on a search committee that is being chaired by a man in a senior position in another area. Throughout the process, this man has made thinly veiled comments to the whole group but directed at me, saying that I’m talking too much in interviews. The problem is that I am often the only one (or one of two in the group) who can actually answer candidates’ questions. I finally confronted him and he said that he thinks that I’m too dominant and that I’m intimidating to the others. The other people are all my coworkers who are not in any way intimidated by me (at least not in every other setting and I spoke with two of them) but they are intimidated by the fact that he is constantly chiding us about how we should or shouldn’t talk to candidates. They’re terrified of saying too much and risking his wrath. Of course, I didn’t come to this shining realization until after I spoke to him (I’m not good at quick comebacks). I spoke with a friend who works for him and she says he consistently has problems with strong women. As a result, one of my colleagues, who comes off as a lot less strong, will be spending much more time with candidates when they visit. Not sure there is anything I can do at this point but it’s so frustrating. The one thing I convinced him to do is to stop saying things about me in front of the group and to speak to me directly about anything he has to say to me. Any ideas?

    • Anon

      I would continue to behave as you have been, including doing as much as you can to sit in on interviews where you’ll be answering questions that candidates have.

      If he brings it up again, look him in the eye and say, “You appear to be intimidated by me. That’s unfortunate. It’s not something that I find is a problem in other work relationships.” And if he goes on with the nonsense about the candidates being intimidated, lather, rinse, repeat: “As I said, this issue you have is not one that comes up in my usual work relationships, so I think the candidates are fine. They ask questions, I answer, and that’s how the interviews need to progress.” Or something on those lines.

      A good friend told me recently that he’s intimidated by me, and I think he was noticing that I have skills in a couple of areas where he feels he’s weak. He’s got a better job than I do in the same field and is more successful (I’m also younger) but for whatever reason still is somewhat daunted when that skillset is called into play when we’re interacting. So perhaps your coworker is noticing that you’re answering questions in areas where his knowledge isn’t solid, and projecting onto others.

      Good luck!

      • anon for this

        Thanks so much! To clarify, he didn’t think the candidates were intimidated – he thought my colleagues were intimidated by me into not saying anything. I contend that they are not (we work together successfully without any intimidation!) but rather that they are intimidated by him. They don’t know him and he is constantly railing on us about what we should and shouldn’t say. He doesn’t like it that the q & a part of the interviews ends up being a conversation between the candidate and me. Not by my design! I actually have had luck in going head to head with him and standing up for myself. My biggest problem is that I’m pretty self-critical so I don’t immediately have a comeback for him. But I’ve given it a lot of thought and feel like I’m better prepared if it comes up again. According to my friend, this guy has been having a lot of problems with his own staff and there have been uprisings amongst his senior people. Should be interesting!

        • M-C

          Well, you could just try saying (in private) ‘oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t want to bring it up so as not to embarrass you, but actually YOU are intimidating them’. Bet he’ll change the subject quickly enough.

          But if you’re under him at work, and he’s threatened by you, you’re going to have more problems than this one. I’d seriously look around and see whether you can make some lateral move out from under him, so he doesn’t make you life hell in the long term.

          • anon for this

            Oops meant to say more. No, thank goodness, I am not under him at work. He is over a different division. I do sit on other committees with him and I work cooperatively with a lot of people in his area, but they aren’t happy with him either!

      • This

        He is projecting that you are intimidating people when HE is intimidating people. I especially like the advice to tell him at every opportunity that this doesn’t come up for you with anyone but him.

        Does your company have a diversity office or director? I work at a large public university, and we have two places I might go for help with this in addition to HR: (1) our diversity office, and (2) the director of our “let’s make sure we actively recruit women faculty” program (don’t want to name it and out myself). Both have a mission to make sure that the recruiting process is clean and isn’t itself derailing qualified female candidates, which could be happening if this guy is in charge of this recruitment.

    • Amelia

      Anon for this, I’m so sorry you have to go through this at work. Here’s what I’d do in your situation: First, take note. Remember this guy and his attitude and his snide way of putting down strong women. If at any point in my career I can be of help to this guy, think about this time and whether it’s worth it. If at any time someone asks for my opinion of this guy, keep it professional but remember how he treats women. Second, don’t sweat his intimidation techniques. Unless he is senior to me, or can impact my position at the company in some way, keep doing what I am doing because he shouldn’t feel like he can silence the women around him. Finally, next time I’d chair the hiring committee, or make sure someone else does. This guy is probably making it difficult for other strong women to be hired, which self perpetuates the cycle in the office that makes him comfortable. It’s probably no coincidence he is chairing the committee. Speak with HR (without being accusatory) about how it might be good for recruiting to have a woman chair the committee to add more diversity to your candidates. Hopefully that’s helpful!

      • anon for this

        Thanks, yes it is! I have chaired many hiring committees but unfortunately, we have a rule that when a division head is hired, another division head must chair the committee. There is only one woman and she is busy with another large project. The weird thing is that this guy has been helpful and available to us except for this one thing. I truly feel sorry for the women who work for him. I have been hearing about it for awhile but hadn’t experienced it.

    • Another Stephanie

      Can you phrase it as – a good discussion with your committee saves time, and perhaps deflect the conversation at times – state some of what you know, and “jane, you have some experience here, what are your thoughts?

      And if this person is addressing you, request that the criticism be handled privately, if it’s just his issue. Check in with the group, could your colleague who will be spending more time with applicants speak up about the benefit of your level of participation to minimize his future impact?

      • anon for this

        That’s exactly what I did at the last candidate interview. Since my colleagues (actually my supervisees) weren’t answering a question that I knew they could answer, I called on two of them to answer it so I wouldn’t have to jump in. One of them told me that she felt he was targeting her, too (she’s very much like me).

        I did ask him to handle any criticism privately. I was especially concerned because I directly supervise most of the others on the committee and I was concerned that he would undermine my relationships with others.

  20. DT

    What do you all wear underneath suits? I have a petite frame but large chest and I feel like collared shirts are too bulky. When I wear a casual tank top I feel too provocative. And I am not sure who decided a cami was work appropriate, but on me, I would like like a tramp. I have a few sweater type tanks but they stretch out and sag pretty fast. Any suggestions? This has perplexed me for years.

    • Sam

      I also have a slender (5’9 135) but busty (D cup) figure, and I’ve found that light weight sweaters are great under my suits. I’m also a fan of tank tops under billowy sheer tops. There are places to get more tailored button downs, but I find they accentuate my chest more and make me a bit self-conscious.

    • LJ

      I, too, am short and small but have a pretty large chest.

      I distinctly remember a time period of several years when I tried to “force” myself to wear button-downs, all because that is what we are “supposed to” wear. At some point, I had an epiphany that I do not *have* to wear them, and so I stopped. Now, I only wear them when I really feel like I want to do so.

      I wear mostly blouses, shells, and other “formal” or appropriate shirts. Silk shirts, thin-knits, some cotton ones …. these types of shirts. Not skin-tight but fitted, and it just works so much better for my type of body. I always tuck them in, and I look and *feel* so much more comfortable and smooth.

      • LJ

        Oh, and I don’t really ever wear strappy shirts or tank tops, but I do often wear sleeveless and high-cut blouses (beyond fine for my office). So, I think that so long as the shirt is a “formal” one, and not casual, one can be both comfortable and professional.

    • non

      Did you try looking at the Shopping Guide that Kat put together (under Shop on the menu at the top of the blog), or are you looking for info in addition to that?

    • Anon

      I’ve given this a lot of thought recently as I have a small frame and large chest, and I’m tired of fighting with my ill-fitting clothes. I’m also tired of dressing like a man when I’m in court or otherwise wearing a suit. I’m a woman! I’m almost an attorney! I can dress like a woman and wear pretty, but conservative or otherwise court appropriate blouses! They must exist! The problem is finding these pieces and making it over the mental hurdle that a button-up shirt is not the only appropriate thing to wear under a suit. Lately, I’ve had good luck with finding interesting silk blouses. They are not easy to find, but I usually find something at Nordstroms (on sale) and Talbots (usually not on sale). I look for blouses that are not too wide through the middle but have enough room on top to let the girls have the space they need. I prefer them with full length sleeves, or at minimum, 3/4 length. I have silk blouses/shells with cap sleeves for the summer. Some of the blouses I’ve found can be worn on their own with something like tropical wool pants on a business casual day (or with dark jeans out to dinner). It took me a little while to realize that I could wear these under my suits. I don’t really like tanks of any kind under my jacket, because I may want to remove my jacket and I think I’ll be under-dressed wearing a sweater tank (or that I forgot to put on my shirt if I’m only wearing a cami). There are also nice, thick jersey style tops that are not t-shirts, but something more structured. I noticed Ann Taylor has some of these right now. Tho, I confess, I haven’t taken the plunge with these just yet because they can show every single roll on your midsection if the material is not very thick. But, in all honesty, when I started making this mental shift, I started paying more attention to what senior (women) attorneys are wearing, and I found it’s a mixed bag and depends a lot on the woman’s personal style. So, I decided on silk blouses as my style thing (having realized that I used to have style, but law school beat it out of me). I will wear the uniform – black, blue, and grey suits – but underneath? A beautiful blouse. If you like the simple, clean look of a (better fitting) sweater tank, then go for it. Hunt these down until you find the brand that works for you. August Silk at Macys has these and I think they hold up well (air dry, light iron), and are not very expensive. Hooray for ditching the button-up shirt!

      • Anon

        um. wow. I really have given this topic a lot of thought! ;) Apologies for the novella on blouses.

    • Salit-a-gator

      I have your body type and I refuse to wear button downs (to make them work I would have to get each one altered and that would add up fast). I wear mostly knit tops (lightweights short or 3/4 sleave sweaters from Loft, Nordstroms, Talbots, etc) and blouses (silk or stuff that looks like it; also from Loft, Nordstroms, Talbots, etc). Most of the knit tops I buy are a solid color – I buy soft colors for going to trial and hearings so they contrast well with my darker suits, and stronger colors for wearing around the office or with a lighter suit. Good luck on re-vamping your work wardrobe DT!

    • Thin sweaters

      I buy jewel colored sweater sets of very thin silk and/or wool (I’m in CA, so cashmere is too hot). I always buy a sleeveless round-neck shell and a matching cardigan. I wear the shells alone under suits and the sets together with a skirt on non-court days.

    • Marie-Christine

      I like silk tees – look professional, but none of that collar mallarkey. Go nicely under a wider ranger of jackets too.
      If you have a big bust though, you’re always going to have trouble with ready-to-wear. One option is to get a personal shopper at Nordstrom’s, who will watch out for that. Another option is to get a seamstress. The first time, where she really fits you, is longer and more expensive (say one or two half-hour sessions). But it’s very nice to be able to pick up the phone and say ‘hey, I need new shirts in burgundy and black, can I get them by the end of the month?’. You may not have to even show up at all if you haven’t changed weight a lot, just get them sent in the mail. You can get a new style fitted once in a while, with no extra fitting depending on the seamstress’s skill, and have an array of reliable basics that you basically have an endless supply of, for not more money than a regular store. Any good fabric shop in town will have some to recommend (ie not Joanne’s or Discount Fabrics..).

  21. Not Martha

    Help, corporettes. My office is having a holiday door decorating contest and I don’t know where to start. Anyone have a clever idea (bonus for legal themes)?

    • Homestar

      The first thing that popped into my mind was “Law & Order”. You could post a bunch of statutes, law review articles, etc. on the top half of your door and then post some pictures of organized things on the bottom half. Maybe have a picture of the cast or Law & Order in the middle so people get it.

      • Not Martha

        Thanks – that’s a great idea (and easy…key at this time of year!).

    • Another Stephanie

      Use the Grinch theme in a legal context – Cindy Lou Who or Santa Claus and the complainant

      Diverse trees? Olive tree with hannukah symbols

  22. really?

    Any recommendations for a juicer? The lower the price the better, but I don’t want something that costs 20 bucks and breaks or something that costs 400 dollars and is amazing.

    Thanks

    • anon

      I used to have the Waring Health Juice Extractor and was happy with it. I upgraded to a masticating juicer (the Omega) so that I could juice the night before. Enzymes start to die of when juicing with masticating juicers (the cheaper ones) in about 20 minutes. Its more like 24 hours with a single auger masticating juicer. Double-auger is even better (72 hours or so)

    • Blendtec

      We have a Blendtec blender. They are not cheap ($350-$400), but they will blend/juice/smoothie anything and they are indestructible. Also easy to clean.

  23. ks

    Question for the financial types out there – I received an offer to be reteined as a third party expert for a private equity fund as they do due dilligence on what I assume to be an acquisition. I have almost 25 years of experience in my field and as a consultant, am recognized as something of a national expert and have written policy guidance for a federal agency in an area of my expertise (that’s how they found me). They are asking for a fair amount of work (probably at least 100 hours) with a very short turnaround (before the end of December). I have no idea what to charge and I have a meeting via telephone on Monday – any thoughts on what is standard in this situation?

    • a lawyer

      From the type of work you are describing, I assume you are a lawyer or a comparable professional. Most “experts” charge by the hour, and in the type of work you describe, I think $250 per hour minimum even up to $500 per hour, especially if it requires an “expedited” schedule.

      They need you and it sounds like they can afford to pay you. You might do an internet search for experts in your field–you might find some prices.

      Just my opinion from hiring legal and medical malpractice experts, in the deep South. Good luck.

      • LStar

        Don’t have much to add to this, but agree with the $250-$500 range if you’re talking about the kind of work a lawyer describes.

    • Salit-a-gator

      I’ve hired several experts lately, most of them asked for $500 per hour and a $5000 initial retainer. I think this is standard for a “national expert in the field” and in the bigger legal markets. Plus if they need this work so fast they don’t have the time to find someone else…especially someone who will be available over the holidays. So don’t undercut yourself.

      • ks

        Thanks for the insight ladies. I am not a lawyer but have a graduate degree. My area of expertise is a small niche and isn’t usually called on for expertise in this kind of situation – the small community of us typically do work for government or non-profit organizations. The firm looking to retain me is 10 people, $600M and is in a major west coast market. This isn’t my world – does your advice still hold?

        • a lawyer

          Go for the high end, $400-$500 per and get a heft retainer, $5000 sounds good. It sounds like they are desperate to meet deadline and are not going to have time to find someone else. Given that you may well be working weekends and into the holidays on it, I would not undersell myself.

    • Experts

      Some experts I have retained charge one hourly fee for their work, and another (higher) hourly fee for testifying at a deposition or in court. If your work on this project has two or more different components, you might consider whether you want to charge different amounts for them.

      I personally think $5,000 is low for a retainer. It is easy to get stiffed if you end up billing more than the retainer. Or, you could make the retainer “evergreen” (i.e., even if you bill less than the retainer in month 1, they still have to pay you the full amount you billed in order to keep the retainer ever green).

      I wonder if you can find some sample retainer agreements online?

  24. A

    I have finance interviews coming up and I’m planning to wear a skirt suit. However, I hate the cold, so I’m thinking of swapping my nude pantyhose for black wool tights. The thing is, the black tights aren’t opaque. Should I 1) suck it up and wear the nude pantyhose, 2) go with the black tights, or 3) switch to a pant suit? TIA!

      • CA lawyer

        I don’t about finance or where you are, but, in general, pants should be fine. Spending an interview distracted by how cold you are isn’t helpful.

  25. Anonymous

    Thread-jack! Do you have any thoughts/comments on men who give weak handshakes to women?

    Happened to me today (I’m a young professional, was wearing a suit) and I’m kind of annoyed, though I’m not sure anything can/should be done. Maybe this is more of a rant.. :-)

    • MelD

      I think we’ve discussed it here before. I think a lot of men give women weak handshakes because they think women will give weak handshakes. I personally hate it too- my hands aren’t going to break if a man (or woman) gives me a firm handshake.

    • Cat

      I’ve received some mushy handshakes from men but always assumed they were consistently mushy handshakers, men and women alike! In any event, I don’t alter my normal firm handshake because I receive a surprisingly soft hand in return – and I wonder if men sometimes don’t get the same instructions growing up about a firm handshake because no one thinks they need it??

      • Anonymous

        How about the “I am afraid of a cold trend” so I won’t shake hands. Wimps.

        • Blonde Lawyer

          Personally, I appreciate when someone tells me they have a cold and declines to shake my hand. I think it is respectful.

          • Anonymous

            If you have a cold, you don’t shake hands. If you are just a germaphobe, then you need to get over yourself. People who don’t shake hands as a rule out of fear of colds are ridiculous. Irks me to no end. Rant over. Thank you.

          • Seattleite

            One woman’s “germophobic” is another woman’s “I have a compromised immune system and just got over being sick AGAIN but that’s none of your business so I’ll tell you I don’t want to run the risk of getting a cold, thanks for not rushing to judgement.”

      • M-C

        What I really loathe is men who crush your hands to show you how manly they are. I try to avoid handshakes with Americans on that basis (no trouble like that in Europe). So I don’t have the requisite bone-crushing shake either, and I’ve been known to yank my hand away :-). Don’t read too much into it..

  26. PRK

    Has anyone done PRK eye surgery before? It’s a procedure similar to Lasik but with a longer recovery time. I am scheduled to have it done next week because I’m not a good candidate for Lasik, but I’m getting nervous about how long it will be before I’m able to work on a computer or drive. Thanks for sharing any experiences!

    • EC MD

      My husband had it done last spring, between jobs. Six months later he feels as though it was totally totally totally worth it. I don’t know what his exact vision was, but I do know that he had to be about six inches from his bedside table to see his glasses in the morning.

      That being said, it was not the easiest recovery. He got it done on a Monday morning, and initially felt great (his eyeballs were anesthetized). We tried to go to lunch but about an hour into the outing he was miserable. He spent about a week on narcotic pain medicine. He did have a complication wherein he disrupted the corneal epithelium about 48 hours after the procedure on one of his eyes, which led to a return to the eye doctor for a new bandage contact. That part was extra misery.

      That being said, he was able to drive about 10 days after the procedure and that was with the complication I described. He worked a call weekend 10 days later, which isn’t a ton of computer time but does require a lot of close vision.

      He was not a candidate for PRK either due to dry eye some issues. He still uses restasis and artificial tears and got tear duct plugs put in. But he also runs, bikes and skis without glasses, something he could never imagine doing before PRK. He is totally sold on the procedure, even though the recovery was more arduous than lasik. His ophtho who did it for him also had PRK.

      • PRK

        Thanks for your insight. It’s hard knowing that the recovery time can be so variable. I could be out of work for a week or so without too many problems, but I don’t want to fall much farther behind than that.

    • Anonymous

      I did– Eye Doctors of Washington. Awesome. Not one problem, a new lease on life. Did eyes a couple of weeks apart, anticipated taking 3 days off after each just in case– no appointments, out-of-office-message– but didn’t really need it. Hurt after, of course– like an intense itch– but could see better right away and improved over days, months, year, as well.

      • Anonymous

        Also– shopped for shades beforehand, you might, too, now. Wanted something in the smokey rather than pitch-back sunglass family for wearing indoors at work while on computers, so as not to feel too silly, though of course health trumps fashion and ‘silly’ every time. Again, didn’t really need often or for long, but the feeling of preparation made me feel more confident. Like, I’m ready for whatever, let’s do this.

        Go, girl!

      • PRK

        Oh my god I cannot tell you how happy I am to hear this! I’m going to EDOW too, and I’ve been compulsively reading PRK horror stories today (not from EDOW).

    • Accountress

      I had laser PRK on a Thursday night, and was back to driving and reading on Monday. Follow-up appointments on the Friday right after surgery, the second Friday after, the 4th Friday after, and the 6th Friday after.

      There’s a lot of eye drops involved in after-care, so make sure your surgeon gives you all the bottles you need, and don’t be afraid of calling up and asking for more.

      If you don’t have big sunglasses with wide temples, invest in some now. You’ll want to make sure to keep yours eyes protected when you go outside during recovery. It’s a great investment- good luck!

      • Accountress

        Also, it’s also common for a temporary overcorrection to occur- don’t be afraid to pop into Wal-Mart or the drugstore for a cheap pair of reading glasses until your eyes settle down properly.

    • Anonymous

      My experience– Expect the first day after to be totally out of commish, in bed, not in agony at all but in itchy pain. Like your bod wants you to scratch an itch but your brain has to keep your hands in line. :) Then waaaaaaaay better all the time after– 2nd day iffy, 3rd day fine. I was glad for hubby’s TLC and was probably whiny but not desperate and never, ever regretful.

      Filled the rx for hardcore painreliever (Tylenol 3 or perc or whathaveyou) so I felt covered and felt like I had an ‘out’ if it was too bad. But it wasn’t, either time.

      The drops, as above, took some getting used to– but not b/c they or the eyes were bad, but b/c it’s a bit of a schedule: Drop A every x hours, drop B in case of Y, etc. I agree w above commenter to ask ?s before you are out of it or have your SO/driver/advocate take notes so you can learn your drop schedule easy.

      The best part was the vision– obviously, but really, really! After eye 1, which was not a picnic but not an ordeal, I was soooooo excited for eye 2. Because it works!

      • Anonymous

        Also– remembering that one of the drops has pain reliever mixed in, but I was cautioned that using it slows recovery. It’s a balance thing– use it when you need it, but let yourself heal if you can tough it out. I tried to stay away and found artificial tears helped wiht discomfort, and you could use as much of those as you want, so I would try that first if tempted to hit the hard stuff, and found I could stay away from the pain-reliever/healing-hindering drops that way.

        The doc or staff will explain better. But for the back for your mind– to let you know you’ll have options and levels or care for the pain and for how you are feeling, better sometimes and increasingly better all the time, but if not so good other times, you can gauge your feelings and choices.

        I had Dr. Clinch and was thrilled. Am thrilled still, years later. The staff who check you out in subsequent appointments were cutely proud and rooting for my vision to get to ‘fighter pilot’ level over time, which it did.

        Good luck!

        • PRK

          Thank you again — you have made me feel so much better! At the beginning of the weekend I was considering cancelling and giving up the money that’s in my HSA for this.

  27. A to Z

    I recently received a $50 Nordstrom gift card, plus I have two Norstrom notes worth $20 each for a total of $90. I want to buy myself something special/unusual/useful/eycatching etc. that I would not normally buy for myself. I am thinking about the recommended Hobo wallets, but before I make my purchase, I thought I would put this out there to see if anyone has anything fabulous to recommend.

    • Ballerina Girl

      I ordered a Hobo clutch wallet in black and am anxiously awaiting its arrival! Just my two cents–they look great!

      • Jacqueline

        Another Hobo wallet lover! I can’t say enough about mine. I have the Sadie in a cheerful yellow color, and it makes me happy every time I pull it out of my bag (plus, it’s easy to find). You should do it!

  28. Spider Bite

    Does anyone know how long it takes for discoloration from a spider bite to go away? I got bitten on my leg by a spider, tried treating it with steroid cream (no luck) and after 2 months of it going nowhere, I had 2 cortisone shots. Two months after the shots, it’s still discolored. Part of it looks like a bruise, part of it is kind of scaly, and the part that used to be scaly is now whiter than the rest of my skin. I was informed that there would be discoloration for a while, but this is way longer than I had anticipated. Any suggestions?

    • Blonde Lawyer

      My dog had a spider bite that was so bad we thought it was a tumor! Hers took about 2 months to heal to flat skin but she didn’t grow fur there again for about 6 months. I’m not sure how that translates to human healing but I wanted to share in case it would help.

      I also had a tick embedded under one of my breasts once. That discolored and turned into a hard lump of scar tissue. I didn’t have Lyme and there were no “parts” left inside me. That also took about 6 months to totally heal but the skin there is permanently white/pigment free.

    • Another Sarah

      Never really paid attention to how long it takes for a spider bite to go away, but I do know that wounds on your legs take much longer to heal than on other parts of your body. I had a skin ailment that didn’t fade from my legs for almost 6 months after everything else was clear. My doctors said that this was normal and that it was because your legs don’t have any of the super-important parts, so not as much of the bloodflow, so the immune system takes a bit longer. For reference, I fell down some stairs at a club (it was dark and I had on tall shoes!) and beat up my leg pretty badly back in August, and there’s still a discoloration. Sorry I don’t really have any suggestions, except to give it some more time.

  29. Things to do in DC when you're old

    OK, not old, just middle-aged. My parents have recently announced that they will be moving to DC, probably for about 2 years, after the holidays. Since they’re going to be going from a spacious rural/suburban house in the mid-south to a N. VA apartment, I can’t imagine what I could get them for Christmas, so I was thinking that I could get them something to do in D.C. instead.

    Suggestions? Seems like most of the best things in DC are free. The attractions that I would really like to see that cost $ are the spy museum and the Newseum, but I’m not 100% sure that they would be into it (or, more accuarately, that my mom, who tends to be a bit picky, would. Dad will go along with it if Mom wants). My mom likes crafty stuff a lot, and they see a lot of plays, particularly musicals, but I’m not really knowledgeable about the theater scene there. Any suggestions? We don’t usually spend a ton; I’m thinking $60-$80 for the two of them.

    • a.

      Get them tickets to something at the Kennedy Center, if they like theater! Just from a quick scan of the website, it looks like they’ve got a couple of musicals right now, and will have more in January.

      Also, if you’re not a DC-er: I especially love the Kennedy Center during the holiday season, because they somehow tie a giant red bow on top of it, to make it look like a gargantuan gift box. It makes me smile every time I drive across the Roosevelt Bridge :)

    • Anonymous

      Folger Shakespeare Library membership and tix– the mebership for invitational soirees, lectures, openings etc.

    • P

      I’m not affiliated with them, but I found out about really cool things to do in DC via goldstar dot com (which I believe is active in other cities as well) when I worked there last year. I think that there are intermittent food tours around the city in that price range.

    • DC Association

      How about buying a few things from Groupon or Living Social? That way you can help introduce them to a number of different restaurants and activities. That might be fun and your dollar will go far.

      Regarding the Theater scene…there is not a big one. Besides Kennedy Center, the big one for touring producations is National Theater (where you see Jersey Boys and so forth). The larger theaters for plays are Arena Stage and Studio Theater (which has more “unique” stuff but a very good reputation and in a fun area).

      Another idea is a membership in a museum. Phillips Collection is fantastic, as is the Corcoran. Or even a membership at the Smithsonian.

      where are they moving to exactly? I would be happy to recommend some restaurants in their neighborhood.

  30. a.

    Okay, so, the promised updates on my date last night. The Real Live Man was nice enough, and there weren’t any awkward pauses (mostly because he was a bit of a chatterbox…all I had to do was ask a question and he’d talk for five minutes, which was good on the one hand, and kind of meh on the other). Just no chemistry. I felt bad when he paid for everything, since I have a couple of guy friends who’ve complained about dating because of the expense incurred buying dinners for girls that will never hang out with them again. I did really try to get him to split the bill, but he wouldn’t. Sigh. Silly man.

    Also, this is kind of random, but: He was one of those “picky eaters” who will only eat burgers and fried potatoes. Is it weird that I could see that being a deal-breaker? Because I am a giant food nerd; love trying unusual ethnic foods; cook a lot of things like faro and kale; and, to be honest, structure a lot of my social life/actual life around the preparation and consumption of delicious edibles.

    • a.

      oh! Most importantly, I ended up wearing black skinny jeans, gray ankle boots (nod to Patty: they are high heeled), a V-neck with a cardigan (nod to his restaurant choice: a hole-in-the-wall known for Philly cheese steak). In a second nod to Patty, I straightened my hair, because my typical natural beach-y waves were not cooperating.

      and since I’m already posting twice, I will add a drive-by for the Corporette running brigade: I set a new post-high school PR this morning! 21:49 with no 5k-specific training, and only two workouts at all since my half-marathon in November! It was a flat course, but…insert happy dance here :D

      • R in Boston

        I frequently counsel friends not to date people with whom they don’t have compatible eating habits. Think of the amount of time you are likely to spend eating with your spouse over a lifetime – if you can’t eat together, it’s going to be hard to make it work.

        I am also a foodie/cook/etc and write a food blog, so I may be a bit biased.

    • KK

      Ha. It’s not that weird, but I think it might be premature– maybe he’s open to trying new things (or could be persuaded to), and you would get to introduce him to all kinds of new foods. That could be fun. But it seems like you’re kinda meh on this guy anyway. I hope if you were otherwise really into him, you wouldn’t toss him over his love of burgers and fries.

      Are you gonna give him a second date?

      • a.

        I guess I might have been thinking about the food thing less if I had been at all interested in this guy ;)

    • Another Sarah

      Picky eaters have slowly evolved into an almost-dealbreaker for me. I’m also bit on ethnic food so if a guy isn’t even willing to try something new, it’s trouble. I suppose if Prince Harry is a picky eater I can deal with it, but otherwise it’s a recipe for trouble (harhar). I once dated a guy who wouldn’t eat ANY carbs – NO fruit, bread, refined sugar, etc (not for medical reasons, just because). It was actually difficult to figure out what I could make him for a dinner-date-in, since my usual go-tos were taken out of rotation. I also went out on a date with a guy who doesn’t eat anything but italian food and mexican food. This also meant he doesn’t “like” salad. Now, it’s not that he doesn’t like vegetables, it’s that he doesn’t like the dressing. When I asked ‘which dressing,’ he said, “There’s more than one?” To me, if a guy can’t tell the difference between all the different types of salad dressing in the supermarket aisle devoted to salad dressing…well…

    • NOLA

      I am also a cook and food nerd and found it was easier to get around the pickiness at home. My SO would make these pronouncements like “I don’t eat trees!” and I would ignore him. Then one night I would make steak with grilled asparagus and, because I cooked him a nice dinner, he would try it and he loved it. Turned out he had never had asparagus so he didn’t even know if he’d like it. Part of it is how I cook, I think. I never eat dressing from a bottle so he takes what he gets (balsamic vinegar and oil) and he always likes it. It’s finally gotten to where if he says that he doesn’t like something, I ask him if I’ve ever served him something he didn’t like. And he has to admit that I haven’t. We’ve come a looooong way.

      • Jacqueline

        Yeah, have to agree with everyone else… if you were really into him, you probably wouldn’t have noticed (or cared) about his aversion to interesting foods. This sounds like your lack of interest manifesting itself in other ways. Are you going to go out with him again if he asks?

        Also, the outfit sounds very cute!

        • a.

          nope, no second date for Mr. Meat and Potatoes. Completely aside from the fact that he had tasted shrimp “like, once,” it just wasn’t happening. He seemed perfectly nice, and I’m sure would make a lovely boyfriend for someone else, but on a chemistry scale of 1-10, I would give him a -1.

    • tika55

      Not sure if that is a deal-breaker, but I was just thanking my husband tonight (again, for the millionth time) for being an adventuresome eater!

    • M-C

      Picky eaters are one thing, but junk food?!? Been there, done that, it really wore me down on the relationship. If things are a bit slow, and you can’t revive both of you with a good meal, you’re in trouble. Food is an important part of daily life, it’s not a total deal breaker but it’s a huge minus.

      • a.

        yeah, this one was all about the junk food. He said he only eats at restaurants that end in “ay” sounds, e.g., Chipotle, BK (for Burger King, ack) and Subway. I love a carnitas burrito as much as the next girl, but…really?

    • Accountress

      Don’t be too hard on him for the picky eating. Some people (me included) have problems with textures and sounds of certain foods based on past experiences with them. It’s sometimes easier, in a restaurant, to order the same thing every time. If you want him to try new things, start slowly. Offer to let him try what’s on your plate, or mention to him how things that you’re eating taste similar to something you know he’s eaten before. Start small, and if he shows an aversion to things with the same base ingredient, don’t offer those types of things again.

    • Picky Eaters

      Anyone else convinced that the old saw “men who are not adventurous eaters are also not adventurous lov*ers” is true? It has certainly been my experience, and I think it is worth some thought.

      • a.

        Eh, one of my exes would eat anything (food, anyway…yes I just went there), but his idea of adventurous s*x was–brace yourself for it, Dan Savage-level craziness coming right at you–my living room floor.

    • Anon

      agree with all the other posters who say no, based on obvious luke-warmth all around…but I wouldn’t rule out a picky eater! My wonderful, champ-in-the-sack SO likes peanut butter on bread best of all. If we go to a nice restaurant, he will ask for a steak grilled with salt and pepper and a baked potato. I get whatever I want. I usually make something plain for him (or with a sauce on the side), but I definitely haven’t stopped cooking and he is absolutely worth the effort.

    • Ekaterin Nile

      When I met my husband, he had never eaten anything outside of the meat-and-potatoes realm. Now he is a passionate fan of Indian food. I wouldn’t rule someone out on these grounds unless he’s not even willing to give ethnic food a shot.

  31. Looking for Bunkster's Bark

    Can anyone remember what day the Peppermint Bark recipe was posted so I can go find it? I don’t have good luck with Search on this site. I love Corporette – and have even found myself re-reading some of the best threads as I skimmed through looking for the recipe – but I spend so much time here already that it scares me to think of reading it all twice!

    • S

      Use google but limit your search to this site by typing site:corporette.com before your search term. E.g., “site:corporette.com peppermint bark”.

    • Bunkster

      You guys are cracking me up. I’m still working. The first week of the month is my hell week.

      This recipe is the newest edition to my very limited repertoire. It’s the first one that cannot be directly linked to an online recipe, but I did consult a number of recipes to get to this one. The common thread in my recipes is one pot, minimal clean-up, easily obtainable ingredients.

      Oh, and SFBA, I’m hoping to finish up my work in the next hour or so. Then I’ll take the night off and post about the office xmas party tomorrow. I actually did have fun. The food was good. The people-watching and fashion critique session was outstanding. And we even got up and danced.

  32. Dr. Cox

    NYC ladies: recommendations, please! I’m in desperate need of a haircut. Last time I got it cut was almost a year ago, and between then and now it has changed from stick straight to something that could best be described as “beachy.” I have no idea what to do with it or where to get it cut. I’d very much appreciate your help – TIA!

  33. Support Staff

    Thanks all who commented on my question about support staff yesterday. For a follow up, what involvement does everyone think is appropriate for attorneys to have in terms of training support staff? I am willing to train my assistant on various new tasks, but I think it’s a bit much to be expected to train other people’s assistants. I feel like once I train my assistant, she should be able to train others if needed. Do other people think that’s reasonable?

    The problem I’m having now with the attorney left temporarily in charge of the support staff is that she seems to expect me to train support staff on a) time-sensitive tasks that are completed by people who are extensive training, or b) unspecified tasks for all support staff. I don’t really feel like those are roles I can really take on and keep up with my other tasks.

    • M-C

      Totally reasonable. The attorney in charge of the support staff should be doing the training, not you doing essentially her job (I assume for no extra credit or money..). Even lending your own assistant for training should only be done if/when it doesn’t impact the work she does for you.

  34. MeliaraofTlanth

    Anyone know any good websites besides craigslist to post housing ads? My boyfriend and I are moving into a 1 bedroom, but we need to find someone to take over our room in our apartment first. Is there anything geared toward grad students or young professional specifically, maybe?

    • P

      You should try to post to your local universities’ websites – many larger institutions usually have a resources dedicated to off-campus housing, including a website for postings.

    • KK

      That’s what I was going to suggest- my university had a page for student housing listings. But a lot of people still used craigslist.

  35. NOLA

    Had to share my girl (woman) power moment of the weekend:
    Despite the fact that I’ve been sick all week, I bought my tree last night at Whole Foods because I walked in and this perfect tree was right at the door. I had the guy tie it to the top of the car, got it home, wrestled it into the stand and it wouldn’t stand up straight no matter what I did. Called my SO, who is out of town, and he said to wait until he’s here Monday so he could fix it. I bought a new stand today and tried to install it tonight, only to discover that the reservoir was broken. But, with the extra branches trimmed off the bottom to go into the new stand, it easily went back into the old one, dragged back into the house, and it’s standing perfectly! Woohoo!

    • eaopm3

      I’m impressed! I tried to do mine all by myself last year and the tree fell on top of me when my fingers were stuck in between the tree stand bolts and the tree trunk. I got it taken care of… just not free of injury ;) You’re a rock star to come out unscathed!

      • NOLA

        Oh you poor thing! I find that mine goes better by myself ;) The problem is that, unlike places like Home Depot, Whole Foods (which has beautiful fresh trees) doesn’t trim the bottom branches off. A tree will not stand up straight in my stand if there is not enough clear stem at the bottom. Of course, being sick, I was completely drenched by the time I finished wrestling with it. I have to say, though, that my new weightlifting regimen makes a huge difference!

  36. Jacqueline

    Ladies, I’m freaking out a bit about hair loss and wondering if anyone has ever dealt with a similar problem. Over the summer, I went through a very stressful couple of months, and right afterward, I started losing some of my hair. It was very upsetting. I have long, thick hair, so it’s something that others probably didn’t notice (my friends swore they couldn’t tell), but I definitely noticed an increase in hair all over the house and a noticeable thinning of my hair when pulled into a ponytail. I went to the doctor and had some tests done, and everything came back normal (no thyroid problems or iron deficiencies). She assured me that this was probably just a reaction to the stress and that the hair would start growing back in a few months.

    Well, I might be freaking myself out, but I feel like it’s happening again. It’s hard to tell because my ponytail is still on the thin side and with hair as long as mine, you’re always losing a fair amount, but it seems like the cycle has begun again. I’m starting to wonder if this is related to the pill (which I have been on for eight years), and it’s not helping that I keep Googling symptoms and scaring myself more. I think the emotional side effects have been way worse than the actual physical ones… I keep imagining myself going bald and don’t even want to touch my hair because it feels like someone else’s.

    Has anyone else has gone through periods of temporary hair loss? How was it resolved? I know that there’s probably not much I can do, but just hearing other people’s stories would help so I don’t feel so alone! None of my friends have dealt with anything like this, and they keep telling me it’s not a big deal and it will resolve itself eventually, but I’m 31 years old and otherwise very healthy (never smoked, don’t really drink, work out 5x/week, healthy diet packed with fruits/veggies, etc.), so it seems like a really weird thing to deal with. Anyway, any advice would be greatly appreciated!

    • anon

      I’m so sorry this is happening to you! I had something similar happen to me several years ago. I was working on several stressful projects at work, trying to hire someone while picking up all of the work of that job until they were hired, and my husband was unemployed. I have thin hair to begin with and it looked like chunks were gone from the crown of my head next to my side part. It’s horrifying! I finally went to the doctor and they did all of the tests and didn’t find anything either. My primary care doctor sent me to a dermatologist and she said that if it was stress, it would come back on its own. But in the meantime, she recommended Rogaine (the men’s strength). It freaked me out to use it at first but it has helped immeasurably. So much so that I’m afraid to stop using it! Have you tried going to a dermatologist? I felt like she was much more knowledgeable than a general practitioner.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I went through a period when I lost hair due to a medication I had to be on. The hair loss was supposed to stop after I stopped the medicine but it didn’t. My doc put me on a temporary dose of Rogaine. For regular heredity/age based hair loss, if you start Rogaine you have to stay on it to keep the hair. My doc said for hair loss due to other factors like stress/meds/sickness, Rogaine can stop the hair loss and trigger regrowth but you don’t have to stay on it for life. I stayed on it for a few months and then came off and no more hair loss. My doc had me on men’s rogaine once/day. I was also taking Biotin and Folic Acid too.

    • Me too

      I could write a book about this. Have had hair loss over the last 5 years, don’t want to use Rogaine because I’m trying to get pregnant. I started going to an acupuncturist over the last month, it’s too early to tell if it is working but we will see. I also take Biotin and fish oil supplements – when I stopped taking them for a while, I did notice a big difference so I think they work. I also use a hair oil treatment from a brand called Kama Ayurveda that is supposed to help with hair loss. Also, stay away from curling irons, hair dryers, etc.

      Honestly, if you are not adverse to using Rogaine, I think that’s the best way to go. I wish I could take it myself! Good luck to you.

  37. Jacqueline

    Anon, I haven’t tried a dermatologist, but that’s a great idea. I think I’ll do that if this continues.

    Interesting that she recommended Rogaine! I’m so glad to hear that it worked for you — so your hair has returned to its pre-loss state? How long have you been using it?

    • anon

      Actually my hair is thicker than it was pre-loss. I gained back everything I lost and more. My hair has never looked better. I do think it got darker but I don’t know if that can be attributed to the Rogaine. I’ve used it for about 5 1/2 years.

  38. Jacqueline

    You have no idea how reassuring it is for me to hear that! I know it must sound insane to those who haven’t experienced hair loss, but I have this irrational fear that all the lost hair is gone for good. I’m glad that it worked so well for you (and I’m relieved to know that I have some options!).

    • anon

      Glad I could help! It freaked me out too, My hair is already the bane of my existence but then it started falling out and it was awful. The first time I used the Rogaine I didn’t think I’d be able to do it because I thought it would show in my hair and look greasy but it doesn’t and it works. The dermatologist even told me that there would be cautions all over the package that women shouldn’t use it, but to go ahead. From what my doctor told me, most hair loss (other than those caused by thyroid or other chemical problems) are skin/follicle issues so a dermatologist is the next place to go. Oh and by the way, I buy the inexpensive Sam’s Club brand of minoxidil and it works just as well as the brand name.

    • M-C

      I once experienced major hair loss because of some equipment that was leaking radiation at work (old-style screen, nothing exotic). So try wondering about that? Usually it’s either medications (beta blockers for instance) or some auto-immune thing. For the later I’d recommend acupuncture, which is usually much better at immune system problems than western pharmacology.
      You do realize that all hair gained on Rogaine falls out when you stop it, if the cause hasn’t been dealt with? You’re meant to be using it till you drop dead. Hello pre-existing conditions should you ever switch jobs..

      • anonymiss

        I’m not sure why hair loss would be considered a pre-existing condition for insurance considering Rogaine is OTC and people generally pay out of pocket for it.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        But as I said above, if she is dealing with a temporary problem, she can stop the Rogaine when that problem goes away. My doctor specifically told me I did not need to be on it for life. Mine was a combo of autoimmune and medication issues. All autoimmune diseases have highs and lows. If she is experiencing some kind of flare when she comes out of it the hair loss should stop. In the meantime, the Rogaine will stop the hairloss. Also, like others said, it is OTC so not really a concern for insurance purposes. Almost all plans also cover pre-ex conditions if you have been insured continuously. Finally, under health care reform, companies can no longer refuse to cover pre-ex conditions though I don’t know the specifics and exceptions to that rule.

    • anon

      I should have said above that I continue to use Rogaine partly because (as I mentioned) my hair has grown back even better with it. My hair is naturally thin and I finally feel like I have hair. I also take zinc, vitamin E, flax oil, and folic acid, all of which have been recommended to me for hair growth. I figure it can’t hurt me and can only help!

  39. 1L

    Good Morning!
    As my first semester of finals are wrapping up, my law school career center suggested we begin the application process for summer jobs. Any advice on things you frequently see done OR not done by 1L’s? Resumes, networking, interviewing? Maybe even advice on my writing sample (which will be my memo from legal research and writing). I’m very inexperienced with job searching and professional interactions for that matter, I’d like to get off on a great start! Thanks,
    1L

    • Blue

      What kind of 1L jobs are you looking for? ( You’d probably apply a little differently to a federal judge than you would to a local non profit, for instance).

    • karenpadi

      I would advise having someone else proofread your cover letter, resume, and writing sample. Heck, even revise the writing sample based on the professor’s feedback.

      Writing is really important. Someone can come in with connections but if their cover letter has a typo, no interview for them.

      Connections are also super important. We do a resume collect from the local law schools so they don’t need a connection to us. But students from other law schools do usually come in through a connection.

      • 1L

        With regards to cover letters how job specific should they be?
        I only ask because my school gave us a very generic cover letter guide

    • roses

      Apply to a LOT of places. Even if you apply to a bunch of places and are at the stage where you are waiting to hear back after interviewing, don’t put your feet up and slack! I lost out on a great opportunity by not applying because I was *sure* I would get my “dream” position – I had interviewed, the director said they all loved me, etc…but then they found enough 2Ls to fill the spots.

      Also talk to the 2Ls and 3Ls at your school. Now that most of them have gone through interviews for permanent jobs, they should be able to tell you what they learned from that process that they wished they would have known during their 1L interviews. Maybe even ask if one of them will do a mock interview with you – I’ve found that peers tend to be more helpful than the Career Services people, as the CS people haven’t actually been in the interview seat for a long time.

      Final note: If you’re planning on applying to any of the US Attorney offices, many of them have ridiculously early deadlines (like December 15). Check the deadlines on all of your potential employers ASAP!

  40. anon

    Sharing, just for fun! I am 34 yr old petite female, work in strategy in large corporation. Was at conference in DC last week, guy who wants stuff (partnership, money) from my company sought out my boss in advance, who referred him to speak to me at the conference. I was too busy first few times he found me (lots of way more important side business) but last day/afternoon, met during coffee break. A colleague of mine from my company who does nothing related to my area, but is past retirement age and male, happened to be with me. Guy pitching me with his ideas chose to look my colleague in the eye the entire time rather than me- thinking he must be the decision-maker, or boss, or whatever. So not true- I’m the one in the unit with the millions of cash for business development, and the one leadership listens to (and again, said guy works in a different area so has NO relation to it). So funny to me.. the guy pitching me totally lost any chance of me pushing my company to partner with him, by making a very wrong assumption. Thought you all would appreciate a bit of recourse for his misplaced gender and age discrimination- it hasn’t happened to me that obviously many times. Also I didn’t much like his ideas or approach; I could overlook it for the right deal, but luckily just reinforced what I was already thinking in a way that sealed the deal against him.

    • Seattleite

      Are you going to tell him? (I can’t decide whether telling him would be a service to other women he has to deal with, or whether it would just allow him to mask his sexism.)

      A salesman once lost a sale for a very expensive car because he pitched to my husband. Both H and I each told the salesperson that it would be *my* car and *my* decision, but he didn’t make much eye contact with me. (Ever after H said, ‘quit talking to me! I’m just along for the ride!’) Each follow up call was made to my H as well. Even when I finally answered the phone and told him why he’d lost the sale, he still called my husband to try to save the sale. Sigh.

      • anon

        Nah, largely because I plan to avoid him, easy to do. I get pitched by a lot of people. It likely sends a stronger message to refuse to let them in the door than to engage in whatever with them. Also I don’t care enough to pursue it- was a 10 minute thing with a guy I know put in ‘idiot’ category- not worth further energy:) I will, however, be sure to diplomatically inform everyone else on my team he isn’t someone we’ll want to do business with.

    • Praxidike

      Heh, awesome. I recently went in-house, and one of my responsibilities is assigning outside counsel for any suits against my company. One of our outside counsel called me after I went in-house and asked me how I was enjoying being “[male coworker’s] secretary.”

      I promptly crossed that firm off my list of acceptable outside counsel. I don’t care that he’s just an associate. He has a history of sexist comments and sexist behavior, and if his firm thinks his behavior is acceptable then I don’t want anything to do with the firm or the lawyers.

      • This

        Exactly. If you are not familiar with the SF Bar Association’s Commitment to Diversity, check it out.

        wwwDOTsfbarDOTorg/forms/diversity/2010_commitments.pdf

        The ABA Commission on Women and the Profession has something similar.

    • karenpadi

      Haha! I love denying my business to sexist men. I, a single woman, bought a house that needed its plumbing replaced. Plumbers were begging for the work when I called for an estimate. The ones who ended the house visit with a “I’ll let you talk to your husband before sending out the contract” were immediately crossed off the list. I never work with anyone who asks me to do the impossible.

    • CSF

      I took my Dad out to a nice dinner once, and something very similar happened. The waiter practically ignored me the entire time, and catered to my Dad’s every whim! I didn’t mind so much, it was worth it for the look on his face when I told him I would take the check.

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