Weekend Open Thread

616 Comments

1. just a rant…can someone please come have a talk with the lady in my office who every dayhas a lunch of fish of fish that she cooks in the toaster oven and brocolli? Like did she try to pick the grossest smelling stuff? Both are acceptable foods, and she’s on a diet so i understand taht she’s trying to be healthy, but ugh. i don’t need to smell like salmon for the rest of the day.

   1. Is fish and broccoli really the “grossest smelling stuff” to your nose? I can think of about 50 foods that are more potent, and this meal seems relatively bland. I am having trouble thinking of possible lunch foods that might be _less_ smelly. (plain rice? lettuce? even a PB&J is easily identifiable in the next room).

      Anyway, to each her own, but I hope nobody in my general vicinity has your sensitivity, because otherwise I am really annoying people. I’m really looking forward to my leftover curry for lunch.

      1. Okay…fish is pretty malodorous, especially when cooked in a common area.

         And a lot of people hate the scent of curry.

         BUT, I also think that sometimes people (other than possibly pregnant ladies) are just a little too dramatic about this sort of thing.

      2. Funny, I am totally having leftover Fish Curry for lunch! With a side of burnt popcorn.

         1. Ooh….yummy. Its like a re-imagined ceviche or something.

         2. I want to host try-outs for who is allowed to make popcorn. I want to BREAK people who cannot master the cooking of popcorn (my office is right near the kitchen, it’s personal.)

            1. I nearly puked this week due to whatever person near my cube was eating. Smelled like stewed dog crap. Seriously. I was on a conference call, couldn’t leave. People should really go to a break room or cafeteria to eat warmed up smelly things. Yes I’m pregnant. But why is it ever considerate to stink up an entire area.

      3. Just shows that smell is a “to each her own” thing because I can’t think of 10, never mind 50, worse smelling foods to cook in a common area. I’d rather wear burned popcorn perfume every day of my life than smell fish for an hour after lunch.

         1. The office here smells just like curry. We sit 3 floors above an Indonesian Restaurant and it often is difficult to work. We are thinking that this could violate the warranty of habitability, but since this is a commercial plaza, we may have no recourse but to move.

            1. Well, Steptoe in Washington did get a burger place shut down because it kept venting burger smell into their offices.

      4. I love it when someone in the office near me has curry. It’s one of my favorite lunch smells. To each her own. But I can understand being bothered by food smells in the office. It all depends on the odor, how long it lingers, proximity to the odor, etc.

   2. Yeah I don’t think fish and broccoli smell that bad but it is hard if something is irritating your nose and it seems like you can’t get away from it. If it really bothers you, can you close your office door or (if you’re in a cube) ask to move to a cube further from the toaster oven?

   3. I hear you KC. In my experience, reheated fish smell is abominable and carries very far in an office environment. I try to live and let live, but I don’t think you would be out of line to ask your coworker to bring fish dishes that don’t need to be reheated (e.g., a salad topped with some pre-cooked salmon and some raw broccoli). On the other hand, if she is cooking the fish for the first time in the toaster oven and the smell dissipates quickly this may be one of those things that you have to put up with.

      1. Disagree. I think asking your co-worker to bring a different lunch to suit you is out of line. I’m sorry it’s annoying for you though.

      2. Didn’t mean to start a controversy! It is re-heated – i’ve seen her put it in the toaster oven, i think she makes a big portion every weekend and re heats some every day. I’m going to try to be more tolerant…i’m just surpised i’m the only one who really hates the smell of brocolli! I like to eat it, in the comfort of my own apartment, but i don’t think it smells good at all!

         1. Actually, your timing was sort of perfect for me — I’m in the middle of a 3-day fruit fast (long story), and a coworker just burned popcorn in the microwave. Generally hate microwaved popcorn at work, REALLY hate the smell of burned popcorn, and also right now I really want some popcorn.

            Sigh.

            1. We recently had someone almost destroy the microwave by burning popcorn. Seriously, it left a film all over the inside of the microwave, and she had to find some sort of special cleaning process to try to get the smell to go away.

               Moral of the story: Never leave microwave popcorn unattended. I guess burnt popcorn would cover up the fish smell, though.

         2. Loathe the smell of broccoli like that (e.g. nuked in a microwave).

            1. Loathe the smell of broccoli. Period.

   4. To avoid the reheated fish smell, I just heat up rice and then dice up on my left over fish and mix it in. The hot rice makes the fish warm in no time without actually microwaving the fish.

      1. And your fish probably ends up less dried out and over-cooked than the toaster oven lady’s does – win-win!

         1. Blonde Lawyer – that’s a great idea – maybe i will try to suggest that somehow? or I’ll try to do it in front of her for something. Also, the popcorn thing? I used to work at a small firm as an admin, and i was told the first day of working there that we were not allowedt o make popcorn at work – that was grounds for termination. The founder of the firm who still practiced there every day hated the smell of popcorn so much he banned it. Guess you can do that when it’s your firm…

            1. I worked at a firm like that, too! I always think about it when I walk by the kitchennette in my current office and get a whiff of burnt popcorn.

   5. I think on these issues, my coworker’s rights end where mine begin. My coworker can wear any perfume she wants, but if she puts it on so heavily that it gives me a headache, I don’t think I’m out of line with a polite request to be considerate of others. Similarly, my coworkers have the right to make any food they want in the common kitchen. But if it is something that has a nauseating smell that lingers for hours (which reheated fish does), a polite request to stop the smell is fine. As other posters are noting, there are ways to have fish for lunch without making it smell so bad.

      For those of you that think this is not that bad and that KC needs to lighten up, I’m honestly questioning if you have ever been an environment where someone has reheated fish. The smell is truly something else and is revolting. It is more than the minor inconvenience that most of us would put up with from our coworkers.

      1. I once worked in a firm where we were specifically not allowed to use the microwave to cook or reheat fish, for precisely this reason. Everything else was OK.

         1. Yes, our microwave also has a sign on it saying “please do not reheat fish”.

      2. agree. it is disgusting. maybe those dismissing this have private offices (oh how i miss mine).

   6. I worked with someone who would bring in leftover salmon curry to work about twice a week. I’ve probably complained about it here before. I would never suggest that she not bring it in, but it made the whole office smell and the smell also stayed in the microwave so that if you microwaved anything after her your food would smell like salmon curry, too.

      I ended up trying to go out for lunch on those days because I just couldn’t enjoy whatever I had if I stayed in the office. It’s a crappy situation but I don’t think there is much you can do other than vent anonymously on the internet (and maybe hope that it encourages someone else to save potentially pungent foods for when they are at home or when they have their own office and personal microwave) …

   7. Funny, the frozen meal that I have in the office freezer is salmon w/broccoli. Guess I’ll take it home.

      When I bring leftover fish, I eat it cold or I just heat it for 30 seconds to take the chill off. But I do heat up curry and chili…hope it’s not annoying anyone.

      I have a coworker who nuked Costco-sized bags of broccoli every day for a week last month and the office building tenants revolted and posted signs. He has since stopped. Whew!

   8. To everyone who thinks this is too much –

      My workplace has mini-break stations with microwaves housed in individual office and cube areas, and a large lunch room on another floor with two or three microwaves. There is an official policy that smelly items such as fish and popcorn can only be heated in the lunchroom microwave. HR’s justification is that we have external visitors to the work area.

      So, for what it’s worth, the smell of reheated fish is A Thing, and not just the OP’s personal quirk.

   9. I never know what the best response to this kind of thing is. On the one hand, coworkers should be able to eat whatever the hell they want on their lunch break, on the other, we should all be considerate of each other and on a third hand, there is no way of knowing what particular smell is going to set someone off (I keep thinking of that scene in Ratatouille where the Rat makes the one dish that reminds the critic of his late grandmother and turns him into a good guy).

      There have been several instances where I’m on one side or the other, and they are both uncomfortable. I think the only solution is structural, break rooms with microwaves have to be on different floors in different building two subway stops away from the nearest office worker in order to keep the lunch time peace. Either that or they must all have a closing door that remains CLOSED throughout the day.

   10. Yummy! I love fresh salmon with brocolli. It is all a matter of personal taste!

   11. The March issue of Glamour magazine has their “Hey, it’s OK” column on page 250. The “Not OK” is…” to heat up fish on the office microwave. Ever.”

   12. This is the problem with temperature-controlled environments with windows that do not open. Some coworkers made a similar comment about someone’s fish lunch along with comments about the likely cuisine. Although I didn’t speak up, I remember thinking about a particular country known for eating lots of fish and having longevity. It’s funny how incidents like this go under the radar and then management wonders why the office has difficulties in diversity recruitment.

       It’s unfortunate that many healthy foods have strong smells. I feel fortunate to have an office to enjoy my curried vermicelli today.

   13. Have a co-worker who insists on opening a can of tuna in a breakroom/kitchen every.single.day. It’s a common knowledge point of humor among most people in the office because it’s so revolting. My office is right next to his, so when he takes his tuna lunch into his office, it smells up my office. There is no escaping the stench. I brought in a can of Febreze to eliminate the problem, but then people complained about my Febreze. I told the Office Manager: eliminate the tuna and we can eliminate the Febreze.

       We no longer allow fish of any kind in the office.

       Yes, there are all sorts of foods that “smell.” We still have many folks microwaving “smelly” foods in the office. However, there’s a difference between “smelly” and noxious. Tunafish crosses that line. Arguably most fish crosses that line. Can’t we all agree that there’s just a little thing called common courtesy? Eat whatever you want at home or go out and eat it at lunch. But for heaven’s sake, everyone in the office shouldn’t have to forcibly enjoy your lunch with you.

       1. I was preggo this summer and one of our college student office runners thought it would be a great plan to microwave canned tuna and eat in the copy room/work room where he was working. Yuck, yuck, yuck!

2. If anyone needs some afternoon entertainment, check out dontevenreply.com.

   Maybe I’m juvenile, but my mascara is running down my face from the laughing-tears.

   1. OH GOT I LOVE THAT WEBSITE. I had forgotten about it for awhile, thanks for reminding me of it. I needed it today.

      1. Serious question though. How is it that I correctly spell malodorous above but misspell “god” in this post. Am I mildly brain damaged?

         1. Five days of using your brain will do that.

   2. I tried to go to that website but it is blocked by work because it falls into the category “Tasteless.” Ooops! I wonder if I am now on a list… haha.

      1. Ha!!

   3. Why, SunnyD? Why would you send me to ANOTHER website when I am surely getting sacked due to all the time I spend on Corporette?

      That said, I feel like I just got an ab workout from laughing; so thanks?

3. I also have a rant. The manageing partner at my firm is now stareing at me, and this goes on EVERY day.

   Is there any TACTEFUL way of approacheing this with the other partner’s at the firm? After all, the manageing partner is really the person in charge of everything, and he is MARRIED.

   I do not have any interest in him, and he is always asking me PERSONAL questions. He just gave me a $5000 raise, so I do NOT want to rock to boat to much.

   Any tacteful ideas?

   1. Unless the poor fellow has macular degeneration or some other occular condition, perhaps you should discuss with the managing partner that this staring bothers you, and that since he is married, he should be “focusing” his attention on his wife. Alternatively, you can have a close relative or friend make this same message known to the man.

      1. I agree. It is always best to confront the man before he takes too many liberties with you. You do not want to have to work your way out of a delicate situation where you have allowed him to do too much before stepping back and level-setting with him.

   2. My understandeing was that you were going to get a BOYFREIND by Valentines Day, who would address the issue directly with the manageing partner. Did you rethink that plan? I haven’t seen any updates from you on this front.

      1. Has a string of simplistic AI code* evolved to the point where it can get boyfriends?

         *Or is ELLEN more than just a babbler code? Is “she” a Stepford robot with a defective spelling & grammar module?

4. The recent botox questions got me thinking about my face. I had a nasty breakout on my cheeks several years ago that left some ugly scarring that’s both deep and red. For a long time, I wore concealer over it daily, then it seemed to lighten up a little and I stopped worrying about it, but just in the past several months it seems more apparent for some reason. I had micro-dermabrasion on it once, but that didn’t seem to do anything. Saw a plastic surgeon about it once, and he talked about doing some peels or something, but the guy just seemed a little bit off* (and was doing the “hard sell”) and I wasn’t sure it was the best thing.

   Any tips on what I can do or who I can see about this sort of thing?

   *The surgeon, who was very prominant in the community, was found dead in his office of an OD a few months after that – pretty much scared me off them forever.

   1. You can try topical treatments to lighten it (something with retinoids, probably); you can laser it; you can get a series of peels; you try micro-dermabrasion again; or you can just keep applying the concealer and ignore it. And wear sunscreen.

      Either way, you probably need to see either a derm or a plastic surgeon to explore the above options. I realize you had a nasty experience with one, but surely you understand that that was a freak experience and not indicative of what all or most plastic surgeons are like.

   2. I’ve gone through a series of pretty gentle glycolic peels and I regularly wash with a glycolic cleanser ~ it’s done a lot to help with pigmentation problems caused by severe acne in my 20s, and hasn’t totally burned my face off.

   3. Lots of positive comments here and elsewhere about Clinique’s dark spot corrector. Garnier also has a cheaper version. I haven’t tried either myself, but have a similar need for it and plan this to be my first means of attack.

      1. Yes, I used a cheap version from ulta and it worked, my scars weren’t super bad, but some were from cystic acne.

         http://www.ulta.com/ulta/browse/productDetail.jsp?productId=xlsImpprod1460030

         I only had to use it for a couple of weeks and it definitely made a difference. Before that I was using concealer daily on a few spots.

      2. For those who use Clinique’s dark spot corrector, do you use it instead of moisturizer? Before you apply moisturizer? Day or night?

         I am feeling a little scattered about my skin care products — don’t have any issues, other than emerging wrinkles and dark spots — but I use an Olay daytime moisturizer w/ sunscreen, Olay gentle face scrub at night, then an Origins moisturizing serum and L’Oreal eye cream. Not sure where to fit in the Clinique product!

         1. My evening sequence is: face wash, benzoyl peroxide wherever I need it, let that absorb, 1-2 pumps of the Clinique corrector, let that absorb (this is usually pretty fast), and then moisturizer and eye cream. I don’t typically use the Clinique product in the morning, but when I do, it is pre-moisturizer and sunscreen.

            1. Thanks!

            2. I use mine morning and night and it’s made a huge diff on my pregnancy and sun caused melasma. I couldn’t believe that a clinique product would work on it, since I’m in my 40s and tend to feel Clinique is created for 20 – 30 year olds. But I have been touting the spot corrector to everyone now.

   4. I had really bad scarring acne all over my face a few years ago and was left with scarring/blemishes/dark spots all over. I went through a couple sessions of Fraxel (sp?) and IPL and it really sped up the healing/skin cell turnover process. I definitely did Fraxel more (the IPL was kindof a bonus that I got once in a while if there was time b/w my mom’s session and the next appointment).

      I was really lucky in that my mom had started saving up for my Fraxel treatments after a few months of the acne starting (plus her best friend’s husband is an MD with a laser skin clinic, which is where I got it done). I think it was b/w $1000-2000 for 6-8 sessions, 4-6 weeks apart.

      It HURTS. I started taking 4 Advil about an hour before each treatment just to get through it (800mg was what my college athletics dept. suggested as the “safe” max for sore athletes). They are burning into your skin with a laser (they actually anesthetize your whole face with a gel and it still hurts). I have what I call “leatherface” skin (not that delicate/sensitive) and I was fine the next day, minimal redness/puffiness, etc. My sister has more delicate/sensitive skin (you can see her face veins sometimes) and she was red and irritated for 2-3 days after each treatment. Also, you need to stay out of the sun.

      Despite the pain, once I started seeing the results I couldn’t wait for my next treatment. The idea behind Fraxel (from the promotional lit that I read) is to speed up your cell turnover so that it decreases the overall healing process. This is costly and painful, but definitely another option – especially if your scarring is very deep and bothers you a lot.

5. Thanks for the link to the 6PM sale, Kat. (I think.) That led me to the little box that said Cole Haan was 70% off, and I ordered these

   http://www.6pm.com/cole-haan-air-talia-quilt-open-toe-wedge-greige

   which are my go-to wedges for my sad aching feet.

   And now I will have something greige, which Simon Doonan says I need if I want to be Phyllis. Which I do.

   1. How many pairs of work shoes do you ladies have? I just started working and I have 4 pairs of heels (all about 3 inches, black, different heel thicknesses), and 2 pairs of nice black flats. I find myself really wanting to buy more heels (1 pair lower black matte leather, 1 pair red wedges) because of this cole haan sale but i don’t know if I can justify it! I’m trying to purchase less, but I feel like these could be reasonable shoes to get for work.

      1. Shoes I own that I wear to work: leopard flats; gray and white snakeskin flats; candy-striped flats; coral flats; green flats (with cut-outs, so summer-only); gray ankle boots (shockingly, they are not flat); and a pair of dark cognac riding boots.

         I do not particularly care for heels. But I could use a pair of solid-colored, closed-toed flats or low heels, that I can wear to work with skirts. I was (am) really, really tempted by some of those Cole Haans right now…

      2. My usual work shoe rotation: black leather Franco Sarto pumps, black patent leather Prada peeptoe pumps, brown & black snakeskin print Corso Como pumps (bought at the rec of another Corporette), gray with black accents Michael Kors pumps, and brown suede Jessica Simpson pumps with a thick heel.

         I also have deep red patent leather d’orsay pumps that I always forget about and never wear, but probably should. I normally hate wearing flats to work, but I will rotate in black patent leather ones occasionally.

         I would love to find a great purple pump to mix up some of my more boring black/white/gray outfits with, but have yet to find ones that I love.

      3. Eight pairs of work shoes is not too many. But I may be biased – I have at least a dozen, and that’s not counting commuter shoes.

         1. How about 50-60? Hmmmm… maybe it’s a sickness.

            1. I’m right there in the infirmary with you.

            2. Me too! Orange, pink, green, yellow, two pairs of blue, two pairs of red, maroon, several black (all with thingies on the toes), several pairs of nude, several brown (also with thingies), two leopard print, two flowery print, polka dot . . . I could go on and on. It’s a lovely sickness, though.

            3. Me too. About two dozen fall/winter pairs and probably equal amounts for summer. Different colors, heel heights, etc. Love me a good pair of shoes!!

      4. Oh god, you do not want to ask me the ‘how many shoes do you have’ question. Too many. I’m a serious collector. But none absolutely perfect, so it is a neverending quest.

         1. Yeah, my 50-60 is honestly just those I could/do wear to work. The other 20 or so are sandals or sneakers. I have shelving in my spare bedroom devoted to my shoe collection.

            1. Envious of your shelving. I have three 5×5 cubbies on the upper shelves of my closet, shoe racks below my clothing and baskets for flats and sandals. Plus space for boots to stand. Also, rubbermaids in the attic & hidden shoe boxes here and there, including three under my desk right now at work.

               But I really am a collector. I have Fluevogs going back to 1997.

            2. It works really well! Best thing I ever did. I have a spare bedroom that I only use for storage. I have a clothing rack, a kitchen table that holds my knitting supplies and yarn stash on it and under it, then I have chrome shelving units from Home Depot along the wall. The big one holds large rubbermaid containers and luggage. The smaller one is shoes, glorious shoes. I also have those stackable shelves in my closet on the floor. I keep all of my shoes in the original boxes so I can see what’s in them. A friend of mine stores hers in those clear plastic shoe boxes, but I can’t do that because I tend to wear high heels and they wouldn’t fit.

         2. At last count, about 150. I don’t know. I would rather not know.

      5. A question near and dear to my heart!

         All of my work shoes are close-toed pumps – purple suede Cole Haan Air Talia, woodbury Cole Haan Miranda 90, Franco Sarto oxford-esque pumps, purple Franco Sarto bow pumps, 2 AT kitten heels (matte black, black patent), Corso Como patent olive , and a number of AT perfect pumps (matte black, red, navy, taupe, beige, dark brown). I may be missing some…

         I don’t think this collection is too bad. Of course, I did just start working 6 months ago. I hate to see what my collection will look like in a few years…

         Since all of my shoes are fairly plain, I’m hoping to find some black slingbacks, gray pumps, and then a few pairs of cute ornamented shoes. Unfortunately, my workplace is incredibly conservative (think suits, pantyhose, and pumps every day), so I have to keep it conservative (except for those lovely purple pumps)…

      6. 3 pairs that live at my office in cold weather, and two pairs for hot weather. Although in cold weather I often just leave the boots I wore on my way to the office on (I have two pairs), so the total is really 7.

      7. i have basic black and brown pumps with a 3″ heel, a few pairs of flats (leopard, nude snakeskin, black, bright green loafers), nude peeptoes that need to be replaced, and a couple of others that live at work but don’t get much rotation (black loafer pumps with a stacked heel, purple peeptoes, nude and brown animal-ish print – maybe giraffe? – calfhair peeptoes). i also have a pair of office-use-only moccasin style slippers from target. i have an ikea “expedit” 8-cube bookcase in my office with three basket drawers that i store my shoes in.

      8. Black, grey, magenta and cream! I love clothes but shoes and bags are not a thing with me. :)

   2. Love the shoes. I have a CH bag in “greige” that I love.
      But I love the Simon Doonan column more. Thanks for the reference, which sent me to the column.

      1. Love him!

   3. Thanks Mamabear! I just orded the greige, too!

6. I could use some advice from the hive on this…
   I’m going to start work at a Biglaw firm in NYC in a practice group that is known for billing 2400 hrs/yr for young associates, and I really want a dog for companionship. I haven’t had a dog since I was a child growing up, and I don’t really remember how much time it required to take care of it. I was thinking of getting a smaller dog, like a pomeranian or something similar. Does anyone have any idea of how much time this type of dog requires, and whether or not it would be realistic to get one in my first year of work? Additionally, is it possible to apartment train this type of dog to use a litter box?

   1. I actually knew a few 1st years in NYC biglaw who got dogs either in their 1st year or shortly thereafter. They overwhelmingly agree that getting dogs may have saved their sanity (from the hell of biglaw).

      A few things they mentioned: (1) the time thing is a big issue. It takes a lot of time to care for dogs and especially puppies. All of my friends either had SO, friends, neighbors or hired walkers to fill in for when they couldn’t be there. (2) They all lived close to the office (like same subway line, 10-15 minutes close). This meant that whenever there was a lull in the day, they could get home, spend some time with the dog, and get back w/o missing a beat.

   2. This isn’t going to make me popular, but please consider not only whether it is possible to have a dog working those kinds of hours, but whether you actually can give the dog the good life that it deserves if you are working those kinds of hours. One of my colleagues has a small dog, and it spends a lot of time alone and bored at home while she works long hours, unless she sends it to pricey doggie day care or it’s a dog walker day. It may be great for *her* to come home to something that cares about her, but I feel sad for the dog.

      1. I once set up a webcam at home to see what my dog did when I was at work – my small dog sleeps 85% of the time I am gone. The times when he is not sleeping, he’s usually walking to a new location (couch, bed, crate) to sleep some more. We have very active weekends and go on long walks after work.

         Then again I work 9-5 at the office and any later work I have (2-3 hrs usually) can be done from home so I can do it while hanging out with the pup.

         However, if OP is seriously considering a dog with a 2400hr/year billable requirement, she should price out doggie daycares (around here, they are about $40 a day if you include pick up and drop off (which presumably would be necessary) or 1hr+ midday walks ($20/day ish).

         1. Oh and yes! You can train a dog to use a litterbox or pee pads. I have friends who have their dogs trained this way. However keep in mind, unlike cats, which are generally comfortable as solitary animals, dogs are very social and it will be tough on the dog to have very little interaction with the outside world.

   3. Please do not get a dog unless you can afford to send the dog to daycare or have someone come in 1-2 times per day to play/walk the dog.

      I have a medium sized dog that doesn’t require a lot of exercise, and I would not be able to handle taking care of her without my husband (who has a more flexible schedule than I do). My husband is going to have to travel in a few weeks, and I’m already worried about how I’m going to take care of her since the closest daycare place closed. I think I have to rent a car and give her to my mom for a few days. And I billed 2200 hrs last year.

      I totally understand wanting the companionship, but I don’t think it would be fair to the dog if you couldn’t swing daycare or a similar situation.

      1. Do people take their dogs to daycare all week? My dog is wiped out* when he comes homes from daycare. I’ve never brought him more than 2 days a week. Once I tried to bring him a third day, and I swear, he had a look in his eyes that was like, “please don’t make me go again today, I am so tired” so I took him home!

         1. We don’t care her to daycare every day (or even that often), but my husband’s schedule gives us a lot of flexibility. When he travels, our dog was in daycare every day because there is (mostly, but not entirely, unspoken) pressure from the team that I work on to be in the office past the time when she would need to go out. But when he’s home – no, she doesn’t go all that often!

         2. I bring my dogs to daycare Tues/Thurs. On Mon/Wed/Fri, I leave them home and a dog walker comes in the early afternoon to feed them and take them outside. This works out well with my biglaw schedule, because they are wiped out on Monday from weekend fun, and on Wed/Fri from being at daycare the previous day.

         3. My dog is the same way. He goes to doggy day care once a week — usually Wednesday. He’s pretty wiped out afterward. Twice a week, max. He apparently does not care that he *could* just lay on the couch at doggy day care — he *must* play to exhaustion. I think it probably depends on the dog, though!

   4. I’d think long and hard about getting a dog this year. The first year in a big law firm is so, so hard. You have no control over your schedule and you really need that if you are going to be the primary caretaker for a dog (for example, if you get pulled into something and can’t get home until 10:30 — who will be there to let the dog out?)

      Wait awhile at least, see how your life shakes out, and then consider adding a dog. And in the meantime, I’ve known people who don’t have dogs who go to dog parks just to visit. And dog owners love it. :-)

      1. Well I’m not starting a big firm- older and work at a company as non-lawyer now. But can tell you it is a big shift and responsbility, but also immeasurable joy. We got a dog last summer and I got pregnant the next month, so it’s been a lot of hassle to take her out upon waking each morning, race home, etc while I have become more and more useless- husband feels like hasn’t had minute to himself since August.

         For me though:) she has brought tons of happiness. She is a rescue samoyed mix, fluffy medium sized white fur, cuddly, sweet, funny and playful. She has chewed some things and gone in the house and when she got fleas, that was very stressful being pregnant due to choices about which least toxic treatments to use. She sleeps most of day even when I work from home. But I don’t work big law hours nor does husband. We don’t have a walker or daycare; perhaps should, but she seems to do okay so far and we give her tons of attention in evening/weekends. (like, saturdays are all about her: we go to the insanely huge dog park here called marymoor with friends/other dogs, bathe her, etc.). and we are in training class every sunday now before the baby comes.

         so, if you are single I would seriously assess the lifestyle/responsibility change- for me it would not have been doable by self with busy work schedule and my business travel and now pregnant uncooperative body. but am fortunate husband willing to (grudgingly at times and gets frustrated) be her primary caretaker because she brings a smile to my face on the worst days, continually. wish i could attach a picture here.. she is cutest dog on earth.

   5. In a lot of cities, I know there are shelters that encourage volunteers with short/no notice for dog walkers/dog players. Have you thought about that option? It would help you spend quality time with a dog, it would help make a dog be more adoptable for other families (because they get more socialized), and it wouldn’t have some of the time issues of having a dog at home if you don’t have a SO/friend/neighbor.

      Ususally you have to go to an orientation and become an approved volunteer, and then you can drop by with relatively (a day) short notice.

      Hope this helps!

      1. You may not be open to this option, but what about a cat? An older cat could provide that companionship you’re looking for, but they are a lot less time intensive.

   6. No advice, but I’m in the exact same situation and have been pondering the same thing. I’m considering getting a cat instead to eliminate most of these problems, but I really, really wish it were feasible to get a dog.

      1. in my own experience, cats are also a lot of work (though admittedly less).

         i got two little kitties during the time i was studying for the bar and absolutely adored their company. they were excellent companions when i was home with books all the time and lived alone, but they got used to someone always being home and being available for play breaks. i’ve since gotten married and my husband has a much more flexible schedule so he’s there to feed them and play with them more often but i always feel super guilty (he shared responsibility for them with me when i first got them, we even moved them back and forth between our apts pre-wedding)
         one of my little kitties recently passed away (i mentioned this to the hive) and when he’s not searching for his sister meowing at the top of his lungs, he’s a crazy hyperactive nut. you just look at him and he starts bouncing off the walls chasing things and jumping around. he also starts purring very audibly the second you come near him. he hasn’t been like since he was an itty bitty kitty, and i think it’s because he’s bored.
         having two was very helpful since i could take solace in them keeping eachother company, but now i just want to be home with him all of the time. anyone have any experience dealing with a hyper attention loving kitty?

   7. You could get a six month old dog that was already trained. This would eliminate a lot of the problems with getting a puppy.

      1. The rule of thumb is that a dog can be left alone for as many hours as it is old (up to about 8). So a six month old dog can still only be left alone for six hours — which is going to be tough for a first year associate unless she’s enrolling it in a daycare or walker (which frankly I’d think would be necessary anyway). Behaviorally, you’re gonna have a tough time leaving a dog home 10 hours a day unless you get lucky with a very calm dog. I know once we started sending our dog to 4 hour a day playgroup it was like we got a better dog.

      2. It looks like Clueless Summer goes into some of the issues below, but do you mind expanding on what all of the issues are with getting a puppy vs. a 6mo. or older dog? I’m in a similar situation to OP and in the information gathering stage because it really has been so long since I had a dog (and I was so young that I’m sure my parents did most of the work and we didn’t even know it).

         This threadjack is so timely–I was just about to send out an e-mail to some dog-owning friends to get their input on this.

         1. Puppy: so many more issues. Potty/house training, puppy classes, energy, constant training (seriously it is recommended that you do about 10 5 minute training sessions with a puppy a day). But, at a minimum, a small puppy needs to be let out something like every 1-2 hours. So its very very hard if you need to be home all day. The plusses of a puppy is that you get to start from scratch and basically train their personality into them (but that means if you neglect the task, you can also give them terrible habits).

            Over six-9 months or so: You start to get longer periods of time they can be home. They also start to calm down some what, they become less house destructive, and frankly with approriate training they are just easier to care for.

            If you are working with a good rescue or breeder (though rescue, rescue) they can talk to you about the pros and cons of either. But seriously, an older rescue is going to be easier if you have a full-time job and don’t have time to take off to do the house training.

            1. Thanks for your reply. I actually prefer a rescue, but the breed I’m looking at (goldendoodle, the sub-25lb kind) seems to be a rare find on the rescue sites. Is that the sort of training you could put the puppy in daycare for, or do day cares only take them once they’re past the puppy stage? (or maybe there are other reasons you wouldn’t take a puppy to the day care? I’m so clueless on this!)

            2. Please consider an older dog! I just (eight days ago) adopted a two- or three-year-old from my local shelter. She came to me housebroken, walking on the leash, sitting, trained to stay off the furniture (this didn’t last, though, because I couldn’t care less so didn’t reinforce it) and socialized. Even though she is, overall, a freakishly perfect Stepford dog who was obviously someone’s beloved pet (to the point where I’m scared to walk out the door with her because I’m afraid someone will swoop down and be all, “That’s my dog! Return her immediately!”) she still requires a lot of time–I cannot even imagine how much more time a puppy would take.

            3. Okay — its hard to address all the issues. One: most daycares don’t do training (i.e. behavioral training, teaching it to sit or to stay or to not jump etc.). Daycares are more just like a place where dogs go to get out of the house. Dogs are social animals, so its very hard on them to be alone for prolonged periods. When you talk about training, such as clicker training, that is something that you’d do more on your own. Also, many daycares won’t take true puppies because they don’t do “housetraining” (i.e. teaching the puppy to go to the bathroom outside).

               As far as your breed preference, on what is that based? I understand that goldendoodles are very trendy right now (and very expensive) — but I’d be leery of the “mini” goldendooldes. I know they are adorable (seriously so), but there are a lot of very disreputable breeders out there breeding these mini-goldendoodles because that is such a new thing and its not a true “breed” in any sense of the word. Its really important that you do your research on that before getting a dog, because if you get a dog from a disreputable breeder, you CAN end up with a dog with lifelong health problems.

               May I suggest perhaps finding a local training center and asking one of the trainers to sit down with your for an hour over coffee to talk to you about dog ownership? There are also a bunch of good websites, some of them linked through petfinder or through animal planet that can talk about things

            4. Thanks for all of this information! The suggestion to sit down with a trainer is great.

               As far as the goldendoodle preference, it has a lot to do with my bad allergies. I’m also partial to goldens as that was the dog we had when I was little. The main reason I prefer a smaller dog is that I live in an apartment, and I think a bigger dog would get restless with so little room to move during the day. I also sort of just want a little cuddle dog, as cutesy as that sounds. But I have read that the golden retrievers (not ‘doodles) bred to be small are not healthy and to stay away from those breeders. I didn’t realize that applied to ‘doodles too :( I would really like to avoid the expensive breeders not only out of principle, but because I don’t have $1500 to throw around. A good friend bought one recently for $250 from a smaller breeder that doesn’t spend money on the fancy website or marketing, so that might be an option after doing some more research. I would really really prefer to adopt though, so maybe as I keep doing my research one will come available :)

            5. I’ve also heard that Bichon Frises are hypoallergenic.

            6. Re: golden doodles. I now have two golden doodles that were given up by a family that bought them because of the family’s bad allergies. Doodle one seemed to be working out OK for the family allergy-wise (he’s 3/4 standard poodle and 1/4 golden – known in doodle circles as an FB1 and supposedly the most hypoallergenic), and when the family decided they wanted him to have a friend, they got a second one six months later who is 1/2 golden and 1/2 standard poodle (an F1). The combo of the two (or maybe the addition of a doodle with more golden in him) were too much for their allergies and they had to give them up.

               These are great dogs but are very high energy. I work from home and when they aren’t sleeping, it’s like all star wrestling at my house all the time. They really don’t shed, but must be groomed every 8 weeks or so because their fur is more curly like a poodle. I love my fur babies and we attract attention wherever we go (one is black and one is white). DH is constantly approached by exclaiming women (he jokes they are the perfect chick magnet) when he’s out with them and have even had women stop their cars to offer to pet-sit them. Kind of crazy, but they are adorable!

               Bottom line, despite all the hype on golden doodles, no dog is ever completely hypoallergenic – and so if you look on golden retriever rescue websites, you will often see golden doodles available. Good luck on your quest!

            7. Any puppy you’re getting from a “breeder” for $250 is coming from a puppy mill or a disreputable breeder. A puppy is going to cost more than that simply because of vet bills for the litter it came from and to cover any previous/future litters that have higher than average expenses.

               It’s great to be able to give an animal a home, but please please make sure you’re fully on board with all the responsibility that comes with it (seems like you’re doing research!) it is heartbreaking when puppies get returned to breeders or dropped off at a shelter because someone realized they don’t have time for them. But it’s even worse to have an animal languishing at home alone for the majority of its life.

            8. Bichons are hypoallergenic, we had one growing up for that reason. They also don’t drop hair which is a nice bonus.

            9. Another pitch for an adult rescue vs. a breeder puppy: it’ll be easier to tell if it actually sets off your allergies. There aren’t “hypoallergenic breeds” exactly, where every single dog of the breed won’t set off your allergy. Poodles tend to set off allergies less, so labradoodles have a lower chance of setting off your allergies, but you really won’t be able to count on it. Puppies (and kittens) are less allergenic than adults, so it’s very possible you’ll be fine with a puppy but a year or so down the line your allergies may start up. By that point, it will be traumatic for both of you to give it up. With an adult, its allergen level will be pretty much set. You’ll be able to tell within a day or two of taking it home for a trial run that it won’t work, and can bring it back before it settles in.

      3. 6 months old is still a puppy. If you want a dog that is ok alone all day, I would recommend an adult (or, better, two) rescue dog and be honest about your hours to get a good match. Company for you, and a second chance for the dog(s). We have had several rescue dogs over time and are raising a 5 month old puppy (from the pound) now and she is still a lunatic, and she is only home alone (with our other dogs, that is) for 8 hours or so max. Our older dogs are much less work.

         1. 1) If your friend got a goldendoodle for $250 from a smaller breeder, you should have warning signs about the breeder. The high cost for dogs does not come from $1300 worth of marketing. It comes from many generations of breeding science. Only the best breeders get access to the good dog DNA (ie, good/reputable breeders won’t let their prized good-gene dogs mate with a smaller, less well-known breeder). In order to get a good-quality designer dog, you SHOULD pay the money for a reputable breeder. To find a reputable breeder, look for someone who: 1) Actively shows/competes dogs (they are judged on their genetics), 2) has been showing/competing/breeding the specific breed you have in mind for at LEAST 5-10 years, 3) can provide detailed lineage.

            Be aware that the “breeder” your friend more likely than not got the dog from is simply letting housepets mate – this is not breeding! Breeding is a science. Any breeder that breeds the same female dog more than once a year is not engaging in the science of breeding. These types of breeders create the dogs that have genetic problems.

            2) I work 80 hours a week. My two (Rescue) doxin mixes are very happy, loved dogs. They are both apartment friendly and love my apartment. I do walk them for about 1 hour per day. However, some days I do not walk them at all based on my schedule. I don’t send them to daycare, etc. (But I do donate the money I would have spent on those types of activities to my local rescue). So it can work.

            3) Get an adult dog from a shelter. Adult dogs are KNOWN entities. You can deliberately CHOOSE a dog that is calm and low-activity (as I did). This will make your relationship with the dog more likely to work out. You just can’t possibly know that the cute little puppy that you bought will turn out to be the lovable, calm, snugglemuffin that you wanted. On the other hand, you can know for sure that the 1 year old dog that you adopted has a developed personality (most shelters/rescues can tell you if the dog is high/medium/low activity and will help match you to an appropriate “level” of dog). Plus, you may be able to foster the dog for a trial period (like 2 months) before you commit. Also, rather than contributing to the animal-euthanasia problem by supporting sketchy breeders, you will be saving a life!

            4) Also, there are MANY breeds that are not “allergenic.” The whole idea of a hypo-allergenic dog is actually somewhat of an urban legend – its the dogs skin that we are allergic too so unless you find a skinless dog, what most breeders advertize is just a dog breed that does not have long-hair or shed. Both my dogs (wirehair doxin and long-hair doxin) do not shed when they are groomed. I’d also recommend terriers (like Jack Russells)/Poodles/Bichon Frises/ short-hair doxins as other examples.

            One final thought – it sounds like you are young and single. Think about how you would react if your future husband is allergic to dogs (Remember, people with dog allergies are STILL allergic to hypoallergenic dogs!). Don’t get a dog if you would consider giving one up to keep a relationship (and this is a hard call for most people )

         2. It depends on the dog folks. My 2.5 yr old rescue had puppy tendencies somewhat, because she never had real training at her prior home. But is a perfect soul and worth the investment. Each dog is different- please don’t think you can pick a dog by age like ordering a meal. Yes, if from training/breeder moreso perhaps.

            You might try the Animal Planet breedfinder! We did this after getting rejected from the Seattle pounds for weeks for various reasons (no yard, too many hours working, etc.). We learned Samoyeds among others were a great fit for us. We got on the regional rescue list, but there were 25 families in front of us. So, eventually we found one on petfinder needing a home in WYOMING and drove there on a weekend to get her. Slightly crazy, but totally worth the effort. She is the best dog on earth. Was just homeless in the middle of nowhere. (seriously… it was a coal town 7 hours from anything). So, keep an open mind on breed, use online tools to assess your lifestyle crossed with their needs, and find theeself a pup to adopt, if you decide to go for it.

   8. I’ll just echo what everyone else said…its possible, but only with the help of family/friends/SO and potentially also a dog walker/doggie daycare service. I got a dog at the beginning of law school, which was a pretty awesome schedule to have in terms of puppy training (was rarely away from the house for more than 4 hours). Even when I summered I was working extremely long hours and so my parents ended up taking the dog for most of the summer, since I had no one else to look after him and even a dog walking service mid-day doesn’t help when you don’t get home until 10 or later. When I start work we plan to have a dog-walker come midday and then have my SO come home at 5:30 to do the dinner/night walk on the days I’m working later. Its not only about working later…are you willing to pass up on happy hour drinks or other after-work commitments in order to get home at a reasonable hour?

      The thing is with puppies is that not only do they need a lot of training right away…but my experience is that until the dog is at least 2 years old, even with small dogs, they are super energetic and will really be unmanageable if they don’t get enough exercise and companionship. Have you thought about adopting a more senior dog, who might be happy to sleep a lot more? Also, this sounds counter-intuitive and doesn’t solve the “need to get home at 6 to walk/feed it” problem…but having two dogs is often easier than one. Since they play together and provide companionship to each other, they will require a lot less of your time and will be happier little pupsters in general.

      Dogs are the best companions, though, and totally worth all the time and effort.

   9. I have a Yorkie, and she is paper trained. The breeder trained her; I got her at 3 months old. One of my requirements was an already paper trained dog, and then I just had to teach her to go outside. She’s 5 now, and I still put down puppy pads so she can use it when she wants – when she’s stubborn, when it’s raining/snowing outside, or when I just can’t get home to walk her.

      1. Thanks for all the replies! It would just be me taking care of him/her (no SO or roommate) and I don’t anticipate living close enough to my office to make it home during the day. Maybe I’ll think more about a cat; I’m just not sure I want to commit to the amount of work it seems dogs take, and taking into account SF Bay Associate’s comment, I wouldn’t want the dog to have a bad life.

         As far as the suggestions about volunteering with a dog, part of my problem is that I’m quite leery of bigger dogs, and don’t like other people’s dogs very much.

         1. Sincerely, no snark intended, but if you haven’t had a dog since you were little, and “don’t like other people’s dogs very much,” are you quite certain that you do in fact like dogs at all? It would be really unfortunate if you went through the hassle and expense of acquiring a canine companion only to discover that you don’t particularly enjoy its company.

            1. I do like dogs. When I say I don’t like other people’s dogs, it’s because I am still a bit scared of dogs I don’t know. My dog from when I was a child we raised from a puppy (literally, born in our apartment) so she was so familiar to me I wasn’t afraid. I probably should have been more clear in my answer; I do like dogs, I’m just a bit scared.

            2. Speaking as someone that used to be scared of dogs and now has a dog, I think that you need to get over any fears you have before you get a dog. If you want to socialize your dog with other dogs–doggie day care, dog park, meeting other dogs on walks–you will be interacting with a lot of other peoples’ dogs. Some dogs at the dog park will bark and jump on people, and that’s something you have to be comfortable with (not saying that other dog owners are not responsible for their dog’s behavior, it’s just something that happens). Also, if you are with your dog and another dog approaches, it’s important that you are not scared, because your dog will be able to pick up on your fear and may react accordingly.

               Go to your local dog park and meet some of the dogs. Volunteer at a shelter. Play with your friends’ dogs.

         2. Also, many of my first year associate friends have been sent other places for a month or 2- maybe there’s a case with 500 depositions to take, and you’re it, maybe a trial team on the other side of the country needs a body, and you don’t have anything else going on yet.

            I’m not a dog person, and have no opinion about the length of day alone issue, but I think early in your career it’s a good thing to have the freedom to say yes! to those sorts of opportunities.

   10. Is a cat an option? My little boy doesn’t get lonely or mad at me unless I come home super late. I have a pet sitter on hand in case of emergency business trips, but that’s only an issue if I’m going to be gone more than a night or two. He’s a great companion – he greets me when I come home, cuddles with me on the couch, and brings me toys when he wants to play.

       1. Agree with all that has been said about the cons of getting a puppy/dog while you are adjusting to a new and demanding lifestyle. In my experience, even if you get an older dog, the move is disruptive to them and their behavior can/will regress. Plus if you get a shelter dog (which I recommend), you have added and unknown trauma. Also the “I don’t have $1500” for a breeder caught my eye. I used to work for a nonprofit that employed a lot of younger folks (AmeriCorps, etc) and so many of them wanted a dog and thought the only cost was a monthly bag of dog food. Not so! There is the cost of routine and preventive care + life’s unexpected emergencies. I encourage you to think about this and put it off for awhile if you can. That said, I love my dog and I know how much one can want one. Good luck.

          1. I’m the anon that said “I don’t have $1500 to throw around” so I just wanted to jump in and say that it was probably poor wording on my part. I meant that I didn’t see the value in paying that to a breeder just so I could say I have a designer dog. But I am well aware of the costs in terms of food, “equipment” (I’m including a crate, blankets, toys, leashes, food bowls, and all of that little stuff in here), medical care including vaccinations and insurance, and paying a day care/walker. Plus the fees at my apartment. I would be able to afford those, though it would mean paying down my student loans in maybe 7 years instead of 5. To me, that would be worth it for the joy of having a pet (assuming I could meet the other needs of the little pup). I guess it’s just paying the breeder where I don’t necessarily see the value, especially because I *prefer* a rescue–they just aren’t available.

          2. true- my dog has cost a few thousand this year. but if she’s working at big law how could that be a real issue?

   11. This has all been said before, but just wanted to say that the thought of this just breaks my heart for the dog. I work similar hours in NYC and I could not imagine getting a dog under these circumstances. (Please note that I am not one of those people that treat animals like people or small children or get all up in arms about the horse-drawn carriages in the city, and this is still my opinion). When you’re billing 2400 hours or so a year, you come back home late the vast majority of the time – let’s just define late as “past 10” without quantifying how much past 10. You’d need to shell out quite a lot of money on doggie daycare or a dogwalker to come by and spend quite a bit of time with the dog. For my friends who work long hours and do have dogs, they normally send it to day care a few times a week so it can get some social time, and all have SOs who work significantly less hours than they do (e.g. 9 to 5).

       Keep in mind if you had a dog growing up that, unless it was your and only your full-time responsibility, you really have no idea how much collective effort went into between any parents, siblings, dogwalkers, housekeepers, what have you. To do it by yourself would be a different matter, and unless you live close enough to your apartment to go home and check up on it or can spend an exorbitant amount of money on it, I’d really shelve this idea and revisit it. Also, you’ll be so stressed out and busy when you first start that it may not be the best time to take on a new responsibility.

       1. Does anyone else find it interesting that people feel it is wrong to get a pet when you work big law hours but many people see no problem having children and working those same hours? I get the doggy potty break issue but I’m referring more to the “they will spend so much time away from you” issue. I’m making no judgment as to who is right and who is wrong (if anyone) but I just think it is very interesting how the two issues are framed.

          1. I’m not sure I’ve seen “many” people express that thought, nor do I know any family with children that does not have at least one spouse home by 5:30 to be with the kids. That includes many 2-lawyer families I know.

          2. I was just thinking that myself.

             Of course, this is coming from someone at a small firm in a small town. I leave at 5 and take the rest of my work home. While I do travel occasionally, I don’t have the same time concerns that someone billing 2400 hours/yr has.

          3. I think the issue isn’t necessarily how much time the dog/child spends away from you specifically. It’s about what the dog/child’s life is like when you’re gone. Laying around the apartment for 12-14 hours every day is very different from going to daycare/school and having social and physical interaction.

             1. To clarify: no one would say it’s ok to have a child in a crate all day, but that seems to be an option for some dog owners. That is why people get worried about the dog being alone all day.

          4. Many people feel this way? This is news to me. What if the original poster had asked the same question, but instead of a dog, wanted to adopt a child? somehow I don’t think “Hi, I’m going into a 2400 billable year and want to adopt a child” would have elicited the same type of responses.

       2. well the counterbalance is that many dogs are in miserable shelters, homeless. a fed, safe dog even if a little lonely is not the most horrible thing, my view. she will be able to afford help eventually too.

   12. Consider two cats. Seriously. Cats are great pets and are generally less work than dogs. Two will keep each other company. Dogs are social animals and if you are thinking about a puppy, you may be about to add a huge stressor to your life:)

   13. I rescued a beagle my first year in law school and she is the love of my life. She was technically an “adult” dog (over a year old) when I adopted her, but she still had a lot of puppy in her, so I spent a lot of time crate training her. Now that she’s older (closer to 4), she is a calm, happy dog who roams free, spending the vast majority of her time moving from cozy place to cozy place in my home while I’m gone. Most days I am only gone 8 hours, but I can be gone up to 12 hours without a problem (usually only happens once a week). To bill 2400 hours, you probably would be spending 12 hours a day at the office every day, which I think is too much. Under those circumstances, I would definitely pay for a pet walker to come in the middle of the day to walk your dog. If you were willing to commit to a pet walker, I think it would work if you were a homebody would would make spending lots of time with your dog a priority—-turning down happy hours, taking your dog out to restaurants on the weekends, walking her for an hour every morning so she’s tuckered out before you go to work, and letting her sleep near your bed so she feels like she’s part of the “pack.” Having a dog can be the joy of your life, but it also means that you have a serious responsibility to that animal.
       Aside from the allergy point, I would note that it can be tough when you meet an S.O. to combine animals. I have lots of friends whose dogs didn’t get along well, resulting in one becoming very aggressive. I’m in a sticky situation as well because I have a dog and my S.O. has cats. You can imagine how well that will work out…

       1. ps samoyeds are also allergen- free what what i understand- hair not fur or whatever?

       2. We had a beagle and cats and the beagle completely ignored the cats. It can work. Btw our beagle was a rescue, Beagles of New England. Love rescue dogs!

   14. Not a small dog, but have you thought about a retired racing greyhound? They are better on allergies than many dogs (short hair, single coat) and sleep a lot. I think you would still need a dog walker to come in with your schedule, but you’re probably looking at that with any dog. Our dog is not cuddly–she’ll usually let us pet/hug her, but she doesn’t really snuggle (and never had interest in going on furniture)–although I know some greys are. They’re generally older (ours was 4 1/2 when we adopted her) and are crate-trained, although our dog was totally house-trained, too. There are a lot of greyhound-specific rescues, so if that appeals to you, you might try volunteering to spend some time with the breed.

       1. This.

          My husband and I love dogs, and while his schedule is flexible, we’re not interested in a puppy or a ton of housebreaking. We’ve been mulling over the idea of a retired greyhound for exactly the reasons anon suggested. We’ve spent some time with the breed and most of them are gentle, affectionate, and not super hyper. Most males are around 80-90lbs that we’ve seen, and the females are around 60-70lbs.

          Just a note, however: most of them that we’ve met from rescues are fine with cats (we have two), but if anyone is considering a grey or other trained hunting/racing dog, please please be sure to ask the rescue or foster if you’ve got other small animals in your home.

          1. If you want a dog, get a dog! I got a golden puppy about a year ago and it is the most wonderful companionship you could ever imagine. I grew up around dogs and my family always had at least one in the house but having your own is so much better.

             That being said I generally work 60-70 hour weeks and pay a lot of money to keep my buddy happy. He is high energy so exercise is crucial. He and I take about a 30-60 minute walk or run every.single.morning. I have a dog walker come every day and he sometimes stays with my family when I’m traveling for work. I’d also say that you should make sure you have some money set aside before you get the puppy. My dog is prone to every possible mishap and I’ve spent thousands during this first year on emergency visits.

             Training a puppy is very difficult but again watching him grow up and knowing that I’ve been there for it all is really special. Maybe you could get the puppy before you start your job or during bar review so that you can be home and let it out every few hours while you’re training it.

             Goldendoodles are very adaptable dogs. Find a good breeder and cherish every moment!

          2. The rescue we got our dog from tested their dogs for cat-friendliness. That said, our dog tested as cat-friendly, was adopted into a home with a cat, and was given back 3 months later, which was how we ended up adopting her.

             1. Good to know! We’ll definitely look into this more before committing to a grey or any other dog. The last thing I want is to adopt a dog, have it not get along with my existing cats, and then be forced to decide whether to make the cats miserable or disrupt the dog AGAIN by giving it back to the shelter or rescue. The hypothetical dog deserves better than that.

                FWIW: we’ve also invited friends with dogs over to “dog test” our cats, so I’m fairly confident that a dog that isn’t aggressive toward cats would be OK after the kitties got adjusted to another full-time animal.

                Thanks again for the heads up.

7. Corporettes, I am officially a graduate!
   I went to my alma mater and after 3 days of nonstop administrative paperwork I finally got to have the coveted piece of paper.
   It has been a very long 2 years where I had ups and downs and so many insecurity feelings about my job longevity while I still didn’t have my diploma.
   Great relief, this weekend I will sleep like a baby

   1. Congratulations!

   2. Congrats!!!

   3. CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

   4. Congrats! I was just thinking of you the other day — glad to have a happy update

      1. Thanks all
         Indeed I had disappeared because I was under so much pressure.
         But now I can indulge in my corporette hobby guilt-free.

   5. Congrats, Houda!! Enjoy that sleep!

   6. Congratulations!

8. Well, just as I predicted, I was laid off today. Because of the armaments you ladies gave me, we were able to come to the following agreement: I get paid for the rest of February, then 2 more months, unpaid, where I can “affiliate” with the firm while I look for another job, and they will pay with an outplacement service to help me with job search. I also got the partner in my department to agree that the reduction was due to lack of hours and not performance.

   Thank you all for all your support yesterday which totally kept me from jumping off the roof of this building.

   And now, I’m going home, because I can.

   1. I’m so sorry you’ve been laid off, but you handled it with dignity and intelligence. Special snaps for getting them to own that it was due to lack of hours, not performance. Before you go, PDF all your annual evaluations to yourself for safekeeping. Way to go, Daenerys.

      1. Great advice on the evaluations or other key documents you may have.

         I’m sorry you were laid off, but it sounds like you made the best of a bad situation.

   2. Wow. I’m really sorry this happened to you, but glad you handled it well and that you were able to negotiate it smoothly. And glad that we were able to help!

      Now go home, and enjoy the weekend, and don’t think about it for a while. Treat yourself.

      Hugs!

   3. I can imagine it must be a bittersweet victory, but congrats on making the most of a bad situation.

   4. Sorry to hear that you were laid off, but good job on negotiating terms that were more favorable to you. Good luck going forward and keep us updated, dear!

   5. Sounds like you handled it with class and dignity.

      You go girl who will get the corner office eventually but who will still be nice (because seriously, if you can’t be nice what’s the point).

      (That’s going to be the title of my first book…btw.)

      1. I will totally read that book.

   6. I’m so glad you told us what happened. It is really hard to have your worst fears come true. But you should be very proud that: (1) emotionally, you held it together beautifully, and (2) substantively, you negotiated a great deal for yourself.

      Good luck.

   7. I’m sorry this happened. I’ve been laid off twice. It’s hard, but at least they didn’t escort you out the door. That’s what happens in the IT world.

      And if you’re in the Boston area, I’ll meet you for a drink to cheer you up. Go home now and watch Law and Order all afternoon.

   8. yes, congrats on handling it well and making the best of the bad situation, and not totally self-destructive flaming out like i would probably do! and take care of yourself for a few days.

   9. That really sucks, but seriously, good for you for facing the problem yesterday when you saw it coming and figuring out how to come away with a good deal for yourself. Based on your account of the situation yesterday, it really does sound as though this was not based on your performance or really anything having to do with you. While that might make it more frustrating, I hope you take comfort in the fact that you handled it really well.

      Also, if you tell us where you are there are probably lots of people willing to take you out for a drink or whatnot. I definitely will if you’re near me.

   10. I wasn’t able to comment yesterday but saw your post and was thinking of you today. Hugs

       I’m sorry it turned out this way–this happened to me two years ago and it sucks. But, you will get through this. You will survive. You will have a career in law if that’s what you want. It sounds like you handled it well and that you negotiated as good a deal as possible. When I was let go and started talking to people in my network I learned that lots of people who I saw as uber-successful had been laid off at some point in their careers. It happens but people survive AND YOU WILL TOO! If you can, talk to people you know once you are ready–I am sure you will find that they are willing to talk about their experiences. That was really helpful to me because it helped me see that I would make it.

       Go home. Be kind to yourself. Easier said than done, but do something nice for yourself this weekend so that you can move forward. Good luck and I’ll be thinking of you.

   11. I will reaffirm the support & love going your way, and add something else: as soon as you’re done with the office space, get Drogon to burn the entire practice to the ground.

       1. 2!

   12. I’m glad that you at least got some more favorable terms – best of luck to you in finding something much better!

       1. You made the best of a bad situation and should be proud of yourself! Sending internet hugs and well wishes your way.

   13. So sorry to hear this! Good for you for standing up for yourself, though … you were able to make the best of a bad situation.

   14. I am so sorry this happened to you, but you deserve a big congratulations for foreseeing it and handling with grace and professionalism. It sounds like you negotiated a good deal for yourself, and the way you handled it should have impressed your superiors. Best wishes.

9. Regular poster, going anon for this one… I’m a midlevel associate at a small (10 person) law firm that purports to be a family-friendly lifestyle firm. We have two other associates, one female senior associate and one male midlevel. The other female associate has been at the firm for five years, and she had her first baby about a year ago. We all just got our reviews, and for the first time ever, she got a scathing negative review. I am not close friends with her, but I have worked with her and she’s extremely professional, easy to get along with, and all of her work product that I’ve seen is very good.

   Since this happened, I’ve learned that this has been a trend with this firm — female associates get great reviews for years, and then as soon as they have a baby, the mood changes completely and they start getting very negative reviews. (All of the partners are male, btw). In this case, her review didn’t say anything about her hours, but rather focused on really petty things that she had done wrong in the last year.

   As you can imagine, this is really upsetting to me. DH and I were planning to pull the goalie in the next few months, and now I’m very worried that I’m going to be marginalized if I get pregnant, regardless of whether I’m actually doing a good job or not. I like working here and I think I have a good reputation, but the other female associate had a great reputation too, up until this last review.

   Any advice on what I should do? Right now, I feel like I just need to brace myself and accept that if I have a baby, I will have to find a new job after a year or so. I like working here a lot, but I feel like this incident has revealed a dark, creepy side of this place that I wasn’t expecting.

   1. “DH and I were planning to pull the goalie…”

      Very glad I was not drinking coffee when I read this!

      Stealing it.

      How have I never heard this phrase before? Brilliant!

   2. For clarification it would be good to know more about how you got this info. Who told you she got a negative review for the first time, and who told you what was in it? And who or how have you learned about this negative trend, exactly?

      I’m not doubting your words at all, but curious as to whether this is gossip or common knowledge among all the firm or something the someone told you in confidence or .. what.

      1. OP here — I found out all the details directly from her in confidence. We had been sharing notes on when our reviews were going to come out because our bonuses were delayed, and the day after reviews she told me what happened.

   3. I posted a few weeks ago about how I lied to a senior associate in my firm who I knew would share my fake “confession” that my husband and I could not have kids.

      I think there are two approaches to this:

      1) Have kids at the time in your life when it works for you and your family because, after all, it is your family.

      or

      2) Realize that in many (most BigLaw) firms, if you are set on becoming partner, it makes sense to wait to have kids until you do. (I know that lots of firms like to say this isn’t true, but it is.)

      1. Ugh. I remember a situation where a female partner at my firm decided to get pregnant (after she made partner), and in trying to convey a story about how supportive the firm is about women/families, said that she told her male mentor and he essentially told her that she “earned” it. I can’t remember the exact words, but I distinctly remember thinking that her story actually conveyed the exact opposite of what she was trying to say!

   4. So not uncommon. My old firm was always highly ranked for lifestyle, but it did the same cr*p to women who came back from maternity leave (and, to some degree, to minorities). It was basically whispered secret known by anyone who had worked at the firm for more than a year. It piss*d me off that not one associate that I interviewed with fessed up to this, and instead talked big about the niceness and balance of the firm. Once I decided I had no future with the firm, I basically told anyone I interviewed about these particular practices of the firm. F them.

      1. Ditto. I worked for a midsize firm that let women with children go part-time/percentage salary. Then after 6 months, the part-timers were moved to hourly, with benefits if you hit a certain number of hours. Then they just wouldn’t give the women work (and thus no hours, and thus no benefits). Seriously, male associates would be pulling all-nighters, the PT women were…twiddling their thumbs, working from home.

         So, yeah, technically they were “family friendly”, because there were working moms there, in name only. And all the male partners and associates had stay-at-home wives.

         I was single, childless, and got laid off from that firm. SO SO SO HAPPY when that happened (already had been looking for a while).

   5. Anon for This –

      I second, I’d like to know how you found this out (mostly because I want to figure out how to find out for myself ). WTH? I am so terrified of this happening to me and I have no idea how to find out without putting my own head on the chopping block.

   6. We’re trying for a baby now, with the hopes that I’ll give birth right around the end of my federal clerkship in September. I have a standing offer from a firm, and we’re not telling them we’re trying (because who knows if it will work). Depending on if/when we get pregnant, I’d want to either defer my start date or take a relatively short maternity leave.

      I know everyone says that I’m ‘supposed’ to work for 2+ years and that traditional mores would say our plan is a bad idea, but my husband has the option to stay home next year and it would mean he could stay home full time with an infant, and that basically I could use the first year without having to worry about when I needed to leave – an opportunity we don’t ever expect to have again. (Also, while I know I’d want to ‘be there’, I happen to have a husband who is incredibly better with small children than I am and loves it and I would feel perfectly secure that everyone is happy).

      This is the scary thing about working for small firms – even though everyone seems so great, I’m aware that there are no other women who have had children while working there for the past twenty years.

      Why is this situation so hard for all of us?

      1. It’s no better at large firms. Been there.

         1. Does anyone have a good maternity + professional experience to share? Sometimes, I feel like I’ve never heard anything good and that having a baby will single-handedly ruin the professional career I’ve been working towards for the last decade.

            1. I read last night on HuffPost (?) that Rick Santorum thinks it is the other way around: raging feminism has convinced women that they should want to have their own professional life instead of staying home and tending house and babies and thus it is feminism that has “ruined” America.

            2. I have two great kids and have had a really enjoyable litigation career, too. I’m not saying it’s always been easy, and Canadian maternity leave policies, great daycare and friends have certainly helped. I had been in practice about 10 years when I had my first. My own experience has been that the kids helped balance my approach to work and vice versa. There are still lots of days I’m pretty exhausted by the time my head hits the pillow but I wouldn’t have traded this roller coaster for any other experience. My friends in practice who have kids all agree, I think. Honestly, if I can do it – anybody can!

            3. Ok, here’s a good story: a friend of mine made partner at a big firm three years ago after being an associate for a little over seven years (at the time, I think the standard track at her firm) despite having taken full maternity leave twice and having transferred between offices twice. She is a real trooper, very ambitious and an efficient worker, and had a (male) mentor who was willing to go to the mat for her. She also had a supportive husband who made her career a priority and made the overseas move twice, at a significant cost to his career.

               She was lucky to have fallen into a good situation, but she also proved herself at every occasion and took an active role in her career development. I think she would have sought out a better environment if she hadn’t felt she was in the right place. In fact, one of the reasons she moved back to the US is that she wasn’t getting the same opportunities in the overseas office, which had a stronger “old boys’ network” culture.

            4. To be fair to Santorum (not a supporter of his, BTW), my understanding of what he’s said is just that the role of SAHM should be respected, not that women should only be SAHM. The critique more goes towards the branch of feminism (Think: “Feminine Mystique”) that argues that being a SAHM is stiffling and that a woman’s life is less worthwhile if she doesn’t work. (I’d call this an outdated wave of feminism, BTW.) I’ve been following it on Althouse, who’s reading his book and talking about it a lot today.

               FWIW, I completely agree with that line of thinking, with an exception for anything that says that the sex roles aren’t interchangable. (That is, that one should say SAHParent, not SAHM) I do think that any line of “feminist” thought that says that mom should work and have kids, but assumes that both parents would/could have high pressure jobs without either parent stepping back a little bit does women quite a bit of disservice. (Since women tend to wind up holding the bag when these things aren’t addressed.)

            5. You know, the beauty of Rick Santorum spouting bulls*** like that is at least any sensible human being can see him for the chauvinistic dinosaur throwback that he is. He’s not some stealth misogynist, he’s upfront. Like those guys who wear shirts that say, “If you can read this, the b**** fell off.” Truth in advertising – a gift, really!

            6. Well, mine is semi-g0od. Corporate lawyer, worked my butt off for 11 years, the last 5 in-house. Bounced around career-wise a bit: firms merged, firms melted down, etc… which is not all bad, as I met a lot of people and even did some high-level temping (subbed for people on maternity leave, inhouse). Had a baby, decided to stay home for various reasons (including non-family-friendly, semi-crazy boss). Baby #2 showed up 2 years later.

               Three years later, a boss from an old job called, he had started his own firm, would I join? I said no, I was happy being with the kids. He called me again 6 months later, I now work from home PT, for an hourly fee.

               My boss is VERY pro-working moms — there are several at our startup firm, we all work from home — and my pay is sporadic, as our my hours. I make about 25% of what I used to make, no benefits. But we (boss and I) agree, once my youngest is in school full time (he’s 2 now), we’ll ramp up my hours and work more like 50 hrs/wk at home.

               We are both committed to making this work — my boss (male) has joked that all his wife’s friends have MBAs and are former investment bankers. The USA has a huge talent pool that is going to waste — “former executive moms” — and there is no reason to outsource to wherever, b/c if we are flexible the talent is HERE. Its just not realistic to ask that talent pool to work 80 hours/wk.

               So, my best advice is, network. Let people know you are the ROCKSTAR that you are. If clients are happy, ask that they tell your boss. Keep those contacts, and be flexible. And realize that its not perfect. My kids are pretty good when mom’s on the phone, but I’ve been on calls (even w nanny) where there is kid noise, etc.

            7. Admittedly, I am a babyless single, but my public interest law org is very family-friendly. Most of our senior attorneys and about half of the juniors (there are 40 of us) have kids. The senior attorneys mostly have big kids and the juniors tend to have little ones (based on age breakdown, mostly). People are generally supportive. For example, I appeared in court today for a colleague who had a minor baby emergency (sick baby/ lawyer wife on trial). I know he’ll get me back the next time I have a migraine (eeps) or a trial.

            8. Yes, federal gov litigation. I took 6-8 months off for each baby, then went part time. For a while, I mostly worked on other people’s cases to minimize travel, but gradually worked up to a full load of my own cases again. I increased my hours to full time last year, and it’s been fine, as my kids are in school now. The main factor in all this was my incredibly wonderful supervisor, who was also a mother and had been there. I once had a brief due in a huge case on a day my babysitter was sick, and my baby cried so much at the emergency daycare across the street that I brought her back to the office. My supervisor held my baby and played with her until she fell asleep, and then she slept on my supervisor’s couch until I finished the brief and we went home. How many other supervisors would happily play babysitter in a crisis time like that?

            9. Pretty good experience so far – govt. attorney, flexible hours, two kids, supportive husband with his own business (so he works a lot but has flexibility). Full time job, kids in daycare. Some telecommuting. Longish commute.

               Closets are unorganized, house not going to make Dwell anytime soon, late night grocery runs inevitable. Never going to win Beehive Mother of the Year. Probably despised by the other mothers at the park for failing to have perfectly toned abs and a fancier stroller. Oh, and ocassionally buying stuff from the ice cream cart.

               Nice kids, nice husband, mostly wear matching shoes. :0)

            10. My advice is just do it. I could not have disagreed more with Kat’s post about the 2+ year bank of credibility, but didn’t post in that thread.

                The firm doesn’t love you, and never will. As women, we seem to be trained to play by the rules and plan – and never advocate for ourselves (gross generalizations, I realize). The truth is that you have a 40+ year career, and as child bearing lawyers today, we really don’t have a lot of role models who have managed to have both family and career – there are some, but I’ve seen some horrific parents, and moreover, I’ve seen so many professional women mommy tracked.

                So just do it – do what’s best for you, give parenting and work your all when you’re focused on it. Don’t feel guilty about taking the 18 weeks maternity leave in big law – because the firm sure as hell won’t feel guilty about advertising it then cutting your hours. Don’t feel guilty about leaving for a better opportunity (even if it’s your home). The firm sure as hell won’t feel guilty about laying you off.

                That said, my first maternity leave and return to insane hours was a positive experience – and that was as a junior. I’m having number 2, and for reasons totally unreleated to children, I’m looking towards switching firms.

      2. Late response, I know. I had a great experience with my small firm (three partners, two associates) when I got pregnant after I had been there about a year and a half. I told them a bit earlier than I might have (about two months in), because I had a trial scheduled for right around my due date and had to transition it to someone else. The three male partners were extremely happy for me and supportive.

         I actually took naps in my office when the fatigue was at its worst, I remember asking our grouchy senior partner if I could move a meeting back by about an hour, without telling him why. When he asked, I admitted I was just too tired and needed to sleep and he was totally fine with it. The last couple of weeks, I had some hypertension problems, and had to use a portable blood pressure cuff and send the info to a nurse several times a day and worked with my feet up or even lying down (I had a loveseat in my office), and again everyone was fine with it.

         The firm is too small to have a maternity leave policy (or many other policies for that matter), but the partners agreed immediately when I asked for three months off, but with some work from home. I wrote two or three appellate briefs from home to keep from going crazy while on leave and they kept me on full salary.

         After I came back to work, I pumped in the office, and everyone just knew not to come in when the door was shut. My son was in day care across the street and I would go at lunch when I could to feed him and hang out. When I had to pull a later night than usual and couldn’t pick him up at six, my secretary would go get him and bring him back to the office, and he would come in sometimes if the daycare was closed or there was some other problem. My son is 17 now, and he basically grew up in the law office.

         I didn’t work as many hours in the first few years after I had a child, so it took me longer to make partner than it might have otherwise, but there was no real pressure.

         I don’t doubt that having a baby while working in a firm can be hard — and I certainly have struggled to balance work, travel, motherhood and marriage over the years (at any given time, I feel like I’m falling short in at least one area, sometimes all of them!) — but it IS possible to have a good experience having a baby while working in a professional job.

   7. Let me throw in my two cents… I had a conference call this AM, but had my kid’s doctor’s appt right after… somehow my phone goes off mute at the exact minute my toddler decides to throw a fit. UGH. I feel like I set myself back so far. FML.

      1. Ladies, I just find it so sad that most of you have had negative post-baby experiences at work. Somehow clashes with so many things that one believed about the US……which is sad.

         While I have no advice to share ( except maybe…move to asia!!) I hope it gets better for you someday soon.

         1. Well, the U.S. is baby & child-centric– in that there’s a big societal expectation that one parent (usually the mom, because if it were the dad, the more uptight people will give him the stink-eye) drop everything and martyr herself for the child, losing not just her career but her social life and sex life w/hubby.

            Also, parents here in the U.S. seem to think that every thing they do, even if they are grownup activities, must somehow incorporate their child, which seems strange to many Europeans, and many Asians who have clearer boundaries about when/where children should be allowed to interact with adults (e.g. no kids at the posh wine bar!) It also seems socially acceptable here to blather on about your children’s quotidian activities and myriad violin lessons/resume-padding activities ad nauseum in a way that would raise eyebrows elsewhere. Really, American parents that have drunk this type of Kool-Aid have no life, and in many cases, they’ve chosen to martyr themselves. It’s not even clear that their children benefit from these “sacrifices.”

            At any rate, being a child-centric culture in this extreme way means that stay-at-home-parents feel pressured to overachieve by being helicopter parents while being underappreciated by a society that puts on ever-increasing demands of perfection, and those who work outside of the home get ever-increasing demands on their time (longer hours, more demands that they check their blackberries all the fricking time.)

            1. Perhaps AN may have meant ‘move to asia [and get affordable live-in help]’ rather than cultural differences about child-raising. Certainly my own observation is that there are many more women in my industry (financial services) in east Asia than Europe or the US, at all levels, including senior ones, and I think the difference is access to helpers.

            2. not sure i buy this as the root of the problem. i don’t think it’s kid-cnetricity that causes it. and i think we (I, in my life) create the problems for myself because we (i) buy into the presssure for perfection. i work F-T, demanding career, longish commute, husband works from home with super-flexible hours. we have three kids. i am the one freaking out ‘we have to volunteer for the book fair at dd’s school!’ he’s like ‘i can’t spare time that week.’ and he doesn’t care if we are judged by this. and i don’t have evidence that we’re judged by it…

         2. The US has some of the worst maternity policies in the world- I certainly don’t think of it as somewhere people believe good things about it on this front. We have some good protections, but reality is not enough leave time usually to make things manageable in a reasonable way.

            To OP: while it sounds like a pattern and your colleague sounds trustworthy, one tiny caveat is that you never know 100% of the story unless you heard it from the manager too. I’ve done lots of employment/HR work and you’d be surprised the things people are doing but others don’t know. I’m not saying she is a stealth problem worker- just that there could be differences in your experience vs. hers for unknown factors. That said- I am pregnant and have days where I am not at my best- and frankly feel that they should cut me a little slack for that. I don’t get ‘extra credit’ when I travel 4 weekends in row, take calls to other time zones in the middle of the night, finish a report on the weekend. It should come around that when I am sick one morning or forget something extremely minor due to bearing a child, my reputation holds and those incidents aren’t nitpicked on a review. It should all balance out.

            I so far seem to be doing okay on this; 6 mo pregnant. Got a large promotion/raise 4 months in; boss went to bat for me. I am up for a new job at my company now that is a bigger promotion too. I am anxious about making the transition late pregnancy but think I will go for it.

            The problem is that while my managers are flexible on telecommuting when needed etc., the corporate leave policies and my schedule just don’t allow me to get enough rest, ever. It is hard now, it’ll be hard with the baby. So despite what appears to be a good attitude I am questioning everything daily. But I’m pretty sure if I left the work I mostly enjoy and find satisfying, I think I’d resent the other side of things. So I feel between a rock and hard spot. My work doesn’t really work with part time- I think I’d end up getting screwed with that because it’s an overall presence thing in the field.

            The few things I am detecting that could, but may not be, pregnancy related are as follows. One, met with direct manager this week for usual catch up. At the end, it’s been a VERY busy few weeks- I said I will need to not do 10-12 hour days back to back sustained this way soon, so will be sending him my priorities and what I think can be pushed back, as needed. He was surprised I’d been working that much, commenting that since I’ve been remote sometimes he just hadn’t seen it. When I work remotely, I’m more physically comfortable, but rarely take a break for 9+ hours. I have meetings I attend virtually for often 6 or more hours a day plus actual work on deliberables, emails, calls, etc. I send him updates on many things, so was taken aback that he didn’t get how busy I’ve been. I’m contemplating sending him weekly summaries to see if that helps, or asking him what might work for him (he didn’t seem troubled- more me). Then again if I move to the higher level job soon maybe not worth trouble.

            Also, the upper leader I report to usually has my back on everything and trusts my judgment. He is traditional and has a stay at home wife but has seemed fine with the pregnancy. An intense project I’m working on now involves an older male peer too who he brought in to help for reasons relating to that project. Boss has been siding with that guy a few times over me, when I’m the one who is closer to the work and have been working it hard for a year+. Sometimes the guy new on the project is simply wrong. But boss has rushed to judgment unlike him and sided with that guy. This could be totally unrelated to the pregnancy- but it crossed my mind that he’s now siding with the other old white guy not the fragile preggers. Ironically, those two really, really did not used to get along- so it’s weird that he suddenly is over the moon for anything this guy says/does. Probably unrelated, but can’t help but wonder. So I just try to be responsive and polite- but also have continued to push my views when necessary for the sake of the project. In the end I think boss will listen to reason, he’s just in a sappy place with this guy right for some reason. The things we’ve been at odds over have to do with strategy (it is a global negotiation with world governments, industry and others)– and the new guy is very bull in china shop aggressive- which I can be by nature too, but in this context at this time has potential to derail everything if done wrong. Boss knows I am NOT a delicate wallflower- but seems to be equating some considered prudence with needed as a reticence to push the envelope. Not the case- it’s a chess game requiring carefully chosen courses of action. Anyway, didn’t mean to vent this long but good to get it out I guess.

            1. just want to comment on the boss siding with the new guy. the more time i’m in corporate america and the higher i climb the ladder, the more i find that there are politics involved. it probably has nothing to do with your pregnancy and is probably some kind of politics/horse trading going on between the guys.

            2. hrette- thanks- i think you are right that it probably has little/nothing to do with the preg. in this case i think it’s most likely just personality modes coming into play.. the guy isn’t actually new (meant new as new to this project) but has been on our team and is actually very senior (past retirement age). as i reflect i think those two have just gotten on the same wave length- we’ve all been there with a friend, SO, boss, colleague- etc and are enjoying the game of it.

               the only thing i can think of horse-trading wise (and of course you never know from the outside what could be going on) is that the boss wants to keep old guy engaged so he’ll stick around longer (despite them having nasty history) or such. old guy is complaining left and right about this project, yet clearly enjoying the glory and challenge- pats himself on back daily to a point where others have commented ‘seriously?’
               part of it is that i’m being understandably senstitive- i’ve been working really hard on this for a year, including tiring travels in china etc. to negotiations- and at the 11th hour when we are closing the deal, this guy gets to swoop in, call some of the shots, and show up at negotiations next week being mr. visible hero to everyone involved including Upper Boss- while I am home due to pregnancy doing all the work behind the scenes. life is a series of tradeoffs and this one i chose so no regrets, but doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck on some levels. I have set up meetings for him with delegates from around the world, coached him on how to behave, prepared summaries of positions/details, etc. and his arrogant style can be frustrating. So I think my feelings are natural and I just need to accept them and keep them in check.

            3. I have another maternity bad story, but also a good one.

               I was fired from biglaw WHILE PREGNANT – about 8 months. I had previously (twice, had only been at the firm a little over a year, I was a lateral) had v good reviews. They tried to spin it as performance-related, but how I wished I had had a recorder during that meeting – the partners both talked about how “all moms” wanted to “be with their kids” and it was probably “better for me and my family” that I was getting fired. WTF?!?!?! I have a hunch that the stress from being fired contributed to my first being born early.

               I hired an employment lawyer and got the firm to agree to a settlement – the equivalent of 12 weeks paid maternity leave plus 3 months of severance pay – so my start-working date would be when baby was 6 months old.

               I later found (while looking for jobs) that my old boss from my first firm, now at a new (small) firm, had an opening for an 80% person, so I took that job. This firm has been GREAT for maternity leave (I had one 2 yrs ago), transition was seamless back to the firm, and should be the same for #3 (expected in April this year). They don’t give as much paid leave as biglaw (8 weeks and then I have to use all my vacation to get up to 12 weeks) but my boss has been great.

   8. i have three kids (oldest is 9) and found that dh and i had analysis paralysis for our first (were married 10 years when i got pregnant). i say that you should live your life the way you want to, and know that you are smart and hardworking and will find the right career path for you that fits in with your life. and expect from day one DH to be in with you all the way. without a strong partnership, my career and family would collapse.

10. My husband and I are going to Chicago to see a taping of Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me for our anniversary. Because ours is a dorky kind of love.

    Have we done a thread on where to stay/what to do in Chicago? I feel like we have but the search box always fails me on stuff like that. If we haven’t, where should I stay/what should I do? I’ll be there for a long weekend (Thursday-Sunday) in late March.

    1. I’m not a Chicago expert, but when I visited two years ago, I stayed at the Affinia Hotel on East Superior and it was beautiful. There is a Marcus Samuelsson restaurant downstairs, the room was comfortable and gorgeous and it’s about 2 blocks from the Magnificent Mile. I would highly recommend it.

       1. I stayed there too while I was taking my oral boards. It was fabulous! I did this thing where they would upgrade me if possible for 9/night (but I had to take it if a room was available). I got upgraded to this gorgeous huge room that was so awesome. And had room service from the Marcus Samuelsson restaurant (who I have a total total total crush on). It was lovely, and I felt very safe as a woman traveling alone).

    2. Awww….I’m a NPR nerd too. That sounds like a lot of fun. I’m not from Chicago, but I was there recently and I would recommend you see the Art Institute (they have Seurat’s Sunday Afternoon on the Island of Grand Jatte!) and the Bean at Millennium Park (touristy but cool). The museum has a coat check so it’s a good place to go on the last day with luggage if you have to check out early but your flight is not until late.

       1. I’ve also been considering a Ferris Bueller day, so this would obviously be on the list. I will stare at it. I told you all I was dorky….

    3. If you like comedy, definitely go to Second City one night.

       1. +10000 for Second City! But get your tix in advance b/c they sell out.

          Have a drink at the Signature Room at the top of the Hancock Building — it’s one level higher than the observatory deck, and a drink is cheaper (and more civilized) than paying to get into the observatory.

          Shedd Aquarium is AWESOME, one of my faves even before I had a kid.

          If you’re an SNL buff, eat at the Billy Goat. Manny’s Deli is amazingly delicious (and not healthy in the best possible way), but off the beaten path. Garrett’s Popcorn is awesome for a snack.

          Tea at the Drake if you’re feeling fancy.

          I have a million more ideas but I’ll stop now. Chicago is an amazing city. Enjoy!

    4. We stayed at the Wit Hotel (which is part of the Doubletree group) and it was really nice, and we got a good deal because we were there in the winter. Its right by the Loop L so its pretty convenient.

       I really enjoyed the Field Museum as well as the Aquarium. I also really enjoyed Second City (spring for the “special seating” or whatever because you get to face the stage). Taking a walk up the Golden Mile is worth it if the weather is warm enough and you like shopping.

       For food, I really wanted to eat at Rick Bayless’ restaurant (Frontera Grill) but it wasn’t open the night we tried to go (I think Monday) so we went to a restaurant called Salpicon which was started by a Bayless protege and was also amazing. We also went to Lou Mitchell’s for breakfast one morning which was really good if you’re into diner style breakfast. Of course you should also make sure to get some pizza and some italian beef.

       Otherwise, I’m really jealous as I’m also a big NPR nerd married to a non-NPR nerd (his only real fault). So have fun!

       1. Second the Shedd Aquarium!

       2. AQUARIUM!!!!!!! I went with cousins I haven’t seen in years (including a 4 year old I met for the first time) and it was sooooooo much fun!
          Also the Art Museum (I believe the Art Institute was the name)
          We stayed at the Hyatt Regency which was wonderful- the bar there was excellent too.
          Also – swing through the Corner Bakery which I am told is a chain but I saw for the first and last time in Chicago so maybe it’s a midwest/ just west thing.

    5. aw, dorky kind of love is the best kind! have fun!

    6. Do a site search on google, there are a ton of chicago rec threads for what to do, I’m not sure if there are ones for where to stay

    7. Anything in particular you like to do? There are a lot of pretty good hotels near the Chase tower–I was just looking at the Burnham for a client.

       I love Mercat a la Planxa (they also apparently have a great cheap breakfast, though I haven’t tried it yet).

    8. My husband and I are spending our valentine’s date seeing Wait Wait when it comes to Salt Lake City next week. Yay for dorky love!

       1. First time I have seen someone else from SLC on here! What is Wait Wait? I haven’t heard of it…

    9. Native Chicagoan here — have you been to Chicago before? What are your interests? March weather is iffy, but it could be nice. Definitely see Millennium Park/the Bean, the Art Institute, and take an architecture tour if you’re interested (there are excellent boat cruises in the summer months, but there are walking tours year-round)

       If you like heights, maybe try the new skydeck at the Willis Tower. You can also go to the top of the Hancock, which is convenient to Water Tower/Mag Mile shopping, and you can get a drink at the bar on the 95th floor (cheesy, but fun).

       Try XOCO for a cheaper Rick Bayless fix (but go early or late for lunch to avoid long lines) — delicious tortas and churros! The Purple Pig is delicious (or try to get a reservation at Girl & The Goat, but it’s tough to get in, even on weeknights). Other downtown/River North-ish restaurants that are good — brand-new Tavernita (quite a scene, delicious), Sepia (gorgeous interior, fun cocktails), Bar Toma (touristy, but still good), Sable (great for drinks and apps), Cafe Iberico (very casual, authentic tapas), Graham Elliot (upscale, creative menu). Maude’s Liquor Bar in the West Loop is good for a romantic night out. The Publican is pork-focused but does everything well — fun scene. If you can get in, Ruxbin is amazing for dinner — however, it’s gotten a lot of press lately, so it’s getting harder to get a reservation. It’s contemporary and cool without being pretentious.

       If you’re interested in exploring neighborhoods outside of downtown, Lincoln Park is the young professional area and Wicker Park/Bucktown is artsier/more hipstery. Both are fun for walking around — shop on Damen in WP/Bucktown for upscale stuff and Milwaukee Ave for vintage. In Lincoln Park, the area right by the Armitage brown line stop is really cute for shopping as well — go east on Armitage and north or south on Halsted from that intersection. Andersonville is also really cute — lots of housewares and brunch spots (M. Henry is FANTASTIC). Try Barrelhouse Flat in Lincoln Park or The Violet Hour in Wicker Park for great cocktails (both are better on weeknights than weekends).

       1. These are great neighborhood suggestions. I think a lot of visitors to Chicago really miss out by not going outside of the Loop/River North areas. If you go to The Violet Hour, it’s worth getting a seat at the bar. The bartenders are so knowledgeable and it’s fun to hear their suggestions (they will also make drinks not on the menu). Longman & Eagle and Lula Cafe are both excellent brunch spots, although they are in Logan Square so a bit more of a hike from downtown. If you do head up to Andersonville and like beer at all, definitely stop by Hopleaf. Their food is terrific and they have one of the best beer selections in Chicago.

          I went to a WWDTM taping a few years ago and loved it. I was there on the show where they interviewed Kelly Slater and it was interesting to go back and see which parts were edited out :) Enjoy!

    10. what a fantastic idea for a trip!! I wish I had thought to see a taping when we lived in Chicago.
        The river cruise is beautiful and you get to see a lot of very distinct and beautiful architecture. Highly recommend eating at Cafe Iberico and Vermillion.

    11. OOoh! What fun! Welcome to Chicago in advance.
        Yes – good ideas already in reply to your post. A hotel in the loop would put you within walking distance of the theater. Definitely could do the hotels towards the south loop – The Wit, The Silversmith or Blackstone come to mind. Also, you could stay more towards the north east side of the loop near Michigan Avenue – Swissotel. And, there’s a new W hotel smack in the middle.

        Yes – Second City (get your tickets now) is super fun. Great to be in the building where so many comedic legends came from. And – my friend from high school is in it and he’s hilarious!

        Must go for pizza! Pizano’s in the loop is my fav. Runner up, is a Lou Malnati’s.
        A cool place is called Oven Grinders – which serves these pizza pot pie things that will make you swoon!

        Agree with the others re: Rick Bayless restaurants. They can be pretty hard to get into though. Another idea, brunch in the Signature Room at the John Hancock – great views of the lake and cheaper than dinner!

        Shopping along Maginificent Mile (michigan avenue).
        If you are into architecture, I’m told we have great tours, haven’t been on one yet though. And you may freeze your behind off depending on the wind chill…

        If you let me know more about what you’re interested in doing, I’d be happy to help!
        Excited for you to check out the city.

    12. My husband took me to a taping of Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me for our very first date. We commemorated our one-year (dating) anniversary by going back to see another taping. After the second show, we approached Peter Sagal for his autograph (there were others doing it, too! we weren’t the only NPR nerds!), and told him our story. He looked at us like we were SUCH nerds — both for going on a first date to a taping of his show, and then coming back exactly one year later. Husband and I joke all the time about how we hit “nerd rock bottom” that evening. You know you’re a dork when you’re too dorky for Peter Sagal!

    13. I am so jealous! I would love to do that. WWDTM is the highlight of my weekend.

    14. I have nothing constructive to add, except to say that my husband and I went to a taping of the show in Salt Lake City, and it is still (5 years later) one of our favorite dates we’ve ever had. Super fun! And I’m totally jealous!

    15. If you want another outsider’s perspective, I am from San Francisco and just spent a weekend in Chicago (Jan 28-29), because I was there for meetings Th-F and had to be in NY the following M-W. I stayed at the Crowne Plaza just off the Magnificent Mile and I have no complaints. I stayed there primarily because the rooms were $99 on the weekend. The lobby is nothing to look at but the room I had was comfortable and clean, and the central location could not be beat.

        For the hypochondriacs among us, it is also catty-corner to Northwestern University Hospital, so I had my bases covered! Don’t think I didn’t go there. I used the cafeteria for cheap breakfast.

        Friday night a colleague took me to see the Art Institute, Millenium park, and the old Public Libarary/GAR building, which is gorgeous.

        Saturday I got together with an old friend and we did some serious damage to her credit cards on Michigan Ave. (I was spared because I was limited to what I had room for in my luggage, which ended up being a scarf.)

        We ended our shopping day with flights of wine and paired chocolates (what a great invention) at a bar called Eno or Oenology, which is right on Michigan Ave in the lobby of a hotel.

        During the work days I was in Chicago, another colleague took our group to Rosebud restaurant and I thought the food was very good. I think there’s more than one of these – the one we went to was near the Water Tower.

        Have fun. I have been to Chicago lots of times for business, but this was the first time I’ve really had time to wander around. I felt completely safe at all times and was really impressed by the cleanliness of the city.

        1. Thanks all for the great ideas (and those on the old posts, too, which I found via google)

           Glad to know so many others have gone on dorky WWDTM dates. I am really excited.

           1. I’d stay on the Mag Mile (Michigan Ave) if visiting for fun, as opposed to the Loop. Some parts of the Loop really empty out on the weekend.

              1. Agree. I stayed in the loop for the business days, but the Mile for the weekend.

    16. I love Wait Wait Don’t Tell Me, and I’m so jealous of your anniversary trip!

        I also love Chicago, but I’m not a local, so I’ll let them take it from here. :)

11. Thoughts on ruminating? I’m obsessing a little bit over something I said at dinner with a group of friends last night, which wasn’t a terrible or inappropriate thing to have said, I’m just sort of regretting having let my some of my insecurities show (they’re not super-close or longtime friends). Is this normal?

    1. I do that all the time, and, in fact, had exactly the same experience last week. What helps me is to think “How would I react if the situation was reversed and the person had said that to me.” Usually, I wouldn’t care at all. If I think I would, then I think about whether I can apologize or otherwise try to follow up.

    2. With all the talk of magazines yesterday — I believe there was an article in this months Real Simple about how to stop obsessing.

       And yes, its normal. I do it a lot.

       1. Ah, yes! I think I have the little index card from the back of the issue about that on my fridge at home – I’ll have to look at it again (obviously I have a bit of a problem). Thanks for the camaraderie, hive. :)

    3. One thing that helps me stop thinking about something that I can’t stop thinking about — I give myself a time period to think about it. E.g., “I will think about my comment/stupid thing I did for the next ten minutes.” Usually, once I decide to, I can’t actually think about the given thing all that long.

       If that doesn’t work, I switch to thinking about something ridiculously silly and mindless, like ten perfect work outfits that I would like to have or I mentally redecorate my apartment from top to bottom (how would I redo the kitchen cabinets? what bathroom tile?) Between the two, your mind should get cleared. And rest assured no one probably even remembers what you said. People tend to think about themselves (and what they said :))

       1. wow, AIMS, this is brilliant. I am going to try to do this next time I start obsessing. Thanks!

          1. I hope it works for you! I got the idea from my mom. Apparently, she had a problem blushing all the time as a girl and so she would tell herself, “Ok, start blushing … oh look that cute boy is coming over, time to turn red…” and it would distract her and she wouldn’t blush. I find it really helps.

    4. Yes, it’s normal. And it sounds like you’re already halfway to getting over it – you know you’re obsessing plus you didn’t feel the need to give the hive a blow-by-blow narration of your dinner conversation. Ease up on yourself, and have a good weekend !

    5. I ruminate much to my chagrin. Sometimes years later a conversation will come back into my head and bug me.
       Occasionally, if the right context, I will reach back out the people with a casual ‘hey great time. by the way didn’t mean to be overly dramatic/imply I thought you were wrong etc etc. [whatever it is i did] to clear the air and move on.

       agree with one poster most people forget quickly, but some things do stick, if it was bad enough can be worth cleanup so long as not overdone.

       I apologized to a work friend this week after snapping at him in a meeting. Could have let it go, but I was wrong. Why not.

       1. ps after the apology (and his response) i ruminated far less!

12. Thought I’d rec a book I just read. It’s called Defending Jacob. It’s a legal drama/psychological thriller set in Newton, MA and was written by a former Assistant D.A. I couldn’t put it down. I bet it will be made into a movie.

    1. That book was suggested for me on Amazon — maybe I need to pick it up.

    2. That’s where I grew up! I’ll have to read it. Thanks for the rec. :)

    3. Thanks for the book rec. I have to start a new book for my newly formed book club. This was sounds interesting!

13. Been there, done that. Your feelings are normal. Even the most polished of us can slip up from time to time. Please don’t let that inner voice get the best of you, and if any ice-queens (she of the super-poised) contradict me, I will come back and cyber slay them!

    We are human and we make errors in judgment with respect to our actions from time to time. Also, on a practical level, they are probably home worrying about what THEY regret saying, not about YOU!

    ((Hugs))

14. Sorry, that post was for “January”

15. Question: if I eat three mini-packs of “Fruit (froot?) By the Foot”, then did I technically eat a yard of froot?

    1. I don’t know, but I think you got your full servings of fruit and vegetables for the day. So good job on making good choices!

       High five!!

       1. *like*

          1. We totally need a like button on Corporette. I’d use it ALL the time.

             1. Me tooooo!

             2. Agreed!!

16. My rainboot search continues–now on 6pm.com. Which do you like more: http://www.6pm.com/cole-haan-air-tali-short-rainboot-black-patent or http://www.6pm.com/kalso-earth-elite-iron-grey-microfiber-patent?zlfid=mlt (and are these too shiny?)

    1. The tall boots all the way. However, just to complicate your search, Cole Haan makes a tall boot rain boot that I love, and it’s on sale at Neiman Marcus right now.

    2. They also have some on sale on giltdotcom. I saw a few nice ones a couple of minutes ago.

    3. I adore my bright purple hunters. ADORE. the winter lining is cozy too!

    4. Thanks guys! Your suggestions eventually led me to these http://bit.ly/xkFNur, which I have now purchased.

    5. I totally love the ones you did get but when I first read your post I thought you said you were looking for rainbow boots, so I was slightly disappointed that none of them involved rainbows.

       1. oh man, when i either stop getting raised eyebrows when i show my ID at bars or just get over my fear of coworkers thinking of me as their teenage daughter, i will TOTALLY embark on a rainbow boot search

17. Longtime reader, infrequent commenter (as in, I think I have commented once!). I am in need of some jeweler advice. I have been given a family ring that I need to have re-sized, and I my city is still fairly new to me – so, I’m hoping there may be some Corporettes in the PHX area who could recommend a trustworthy jeweler (preferably in the central PHX or East Valley areas, but I’m not picky). If not, my next question is this: am I right to be paranoid of chain jewelry stores for something like this? I have heard stories of rings taken in for work that end up with stones changed out, etc. I know pretty much less than nothing about fine jewelry and its industry, so I’m appreciative of any advice you ladies may have. (And I will also search for some of the previous threads on jewelry.) Thank you in advance!

    1. I don’t have any specific recommendations for jewelers near you, but fwiw I say go with your gut and avoid chains. Depending on the ring, re-sizing is relatively easy to do; any independent jeweler should be able to do it.

       You might want to start by searching for jewelers who do custom pieces. That way you know they probably do their own metalwork (as opposed to sending it out to someone else. Like a factory).

    2. When I moved here, I needed a jeweler to do maintenance on some family jewelry. I asked for a recommendation at the Macy’s estate jewelry section. The jeweler they recommended is the same one I’m still using. Not sure if that would still work these days.

       1. Thanks, ladies. Much appreciated. I am glad to have my thoughts validated by Kanye East (I confess, I was hoping you would see this and reply with your expertise :)) – and have found a couple viable places that do custom work. NOLA, I would never have thought of that – great idea, and definitely worth checking out!

    3. I am not familiar with the Phoenix area, but I went to a local estate jeweler here for similar work and ended up having great luck.

    4. I have had good experiences with custom work at both Ganem Jewelers and Michael’s Creative Jewelry.

18. Okay ladies…I need some advice on a friend situation.

    I go to a small law school, it’s great, blah blah blah. My problem is this: I got through a really intense depressive episode (which extended over most of 2011). I have a lot of support from a lot of great people and have made great strides. I feel healthy for the first time since college, which is awesome. In that time frame, I realized that about 90% of my depression lurks in my outlook on life–there is a chemical/personality element as well, but when I stop ruminating about things, I make improvements. In my question to remain cognizant of all the things in my life that I am actually very thankful for, I’ve been systematically eliminating some “triggers.” One of those things was, weirdly, Facebook. I also changed some other negative behaviors and asked my friends to call me on it when I started talking myself into a downward spiral.

    However, since I have been recovering, I’ve noticed that I have really whiny friends. They are mostly great people, but they mostly suffer from the “but this will probably go to crap/what a terrible person/lol I’m a misanthrope” attitude (this is law school, after all). Everyone had a tough semester in the fall but we’re all in much better spots now. So I am finding myself increasingly frustrated when they continue to whine about every. little. thing. going. on. It’s like there is a dynamic of “oh wait but my life sucks worse than yours” and it is driving me CRAZY. It’s all first world problems kind of stuff, not anything worth complaining about. One friend in particular drives this group dynamic, and while she does have some “things” going on, she insists on whining constantly about events/situations which have a solution. I.e., she explains the solution, then whines about the situation for 45 minutes.

    How in the world do I maintain my newfound decent attitude while I deal with a group like this? I can’t African Violet these people (Captain Awkward shout out) but I need to avoid falling back into all the traps that put me into the awful place where I spent most of the last year. I have tried empathy, sympathy, just sitting there listening (and eventually pretending to listen), but I just don’t know what to do. Can this subject be broached with other people or should I just put on my big girl pants and deal? (To be honest, I’m okay with that solution, and I’m managing okay for the time being doing that, but I’ve caught myself ruminating about it the last week and just wanted to ask the hive if there might be a better way.) Thanks to anyone who has ideas…

    1. I believe Carolyn Hax recently suggested a response like, “I see, what are you planning to do about that?” vs. patiently listening and/or offering sympathy when a friend starts whining. The point is to get *them* to focus on solving *their* problems rather than getting drawn into them yourself.

       Or, I like this Tina Fey quote: “Oh, you’re having drama? That’s cool, I’ll be back in an hour.” Obviously not appropriate for all situations, and probably wouldn’t make you very popular, but there were definitely times in law school when I wanted to try this.

    2. Honestly? You need new friends. But I’m not suggesting you ditch all these people and start going it solo – you need to gradually lessen your exposure to that negativity and gradually increase your exposure to more positive influences or experiences that won’t encourage you to dwell on your own first-world problems. (Volunteering is a great way to do this, BTW – although I realize that in law school you haven’t got a lot of free time.)

       Try and limit the exposure, try to seek out different people or just a different environment in what free time you have, and come up with coping strategies for when you have no choice. You can also try to change your friends’ attitudes, but my own experience with this is that it’s very difficult to do.

       You know how you improve your physical health by in part monitoring what you put in your body? You improve your mental health by in part monitoring what you allow to enter your brain and mind. If your friends are occasionally turning into the mental equivalent of junk food, you need to address it. Everything in moderation, perhaps.

       Good luck!

       1. I agree – you need to add more positive people to your life. Unless you think it would be helpful to point out to your complainer friend that they are in fact complaining. A lot. And that while complaining can occasionally be cathartic and helpful, a constant diet of it puts a person in a negative spiral (not just you) where all you see is the negative and forget to reflect on the positive. Yes, law school s*cks – but the s*ckiness only consumes your life if you let it. That being said – some people are only happy when they are complaining. Hence the need for new friends.

       2. agree. start moving on.

          1. life’s too short for this behavior- there are better constructive, cheerier people out there.

    3. Hmmm… I can’t speak to law school in particular, but I dealt with similar people in my small grad school program and later with an officemate. Perhaps this sounds harsh… but here goes: When they started spouting their negative comments, I stayed quiet and used the time to reassure myself how much better I was doing then them.

       BTW, I’m not surprised the facebook was a trigger. Everyone’s lives look perfect on the internet, haha.

    4. I think it is natural for one’s group of friends to evolve during law school. Just start hanging out with more positive people. Oddly enough, I found finding people to study with who would just put their head to the books and not brag/complain was the easiest way to find the awesome ones who I had fun hanging out with etc. when we were done studying for the day.

    5. I found this to be a real problem in law school. Law school breeds some real negativity. One thing I did was start getting involved in a really positive extracurricular (a fundraising half-marathon) outside of law school. The people there were remarkably peppy and none of them were lawyers. It was great.

       I also think people do it as kind of a way to seek out sympathy. I try to redirect the conversation in another (yeah, that reading did suck…did you see that Will and Jada are splitting????) Or I try to be helpful (hey I got that reading, I could help explain it if you want). And I tried to identify the most positive people and study with them instead.

       But to be honest, one of my first pieces of advice for law students is “ignore your fellow students.” I feel like people kind of play head games with themselves and if you pay too much attention to them, they will get into you head as well. But, the best advice for you is, make friends outside of law school!!

    6. Perhaps a “gratitude journal” could help you stay focused on your recovery. Every day just write down a certain number of things that you’re grateful for (pick an arbitrary number to write down, or just write down everything you can think of). On bad days it can be something as simple as “spaghetti” or “indoor plumbing” (although, I’m grateful for those things even on a good day).

       Perhaps your friends are the sort of people who don’t know how to have a conversation without complaining. Maybe you can introduce more positive (or neutral) topics.

    7. I would maintain the friends who give you support for your own problems, and eliminate those who don’t.

       I had one friend (emphasis on had) who I took to lunch at least once a week for about three years so that she could vent about her divorce. And, really, the divorce situation was terrible and I truly felt badly for her.

       But then there was a lunch where I was really upset because my son had just that week been diagnosed with a serious health issue, and I was talking and crying a little about it, and do you know what she did? SHE CHANGED THE SUBJECT. Back to her divorce. Which had happened three years prior.

       I tend not to be a grudge-holder, but I’m still glad I didn’t continue the friendship. There is no way I would ever have gotten anything back from that relationship.

       PS my son is more or less fine now.

       1. Horrible. I’ve had a friend do something similar, and I dumped her right then too.

          1. Me too.

    8. My husband also found Facebook too depressing and is much happier off of it. I hope staying away is as helpful to you too.

       About the Debbie Downers, my husband has mastered the dead pan look and blunt obvious conversation stopping sarcastic comment. He is also 6’5″ and though a sweetheart, can appear intimidating. I’m not sure if his approach would work for you or not, and I’m not sure how many friends you would keep but it sure shuts people up. Example: Me being an overly dramatic pain in the butt – “why won’t the internet work. I have to update my tumblr! I have so many problems.” Him – “my coworker is sitting at his dying 18-year-old son’s bedside. You do not have problems.” Perspective. I now haz it. (Apologies to those who hate icanhazcheeseburger.)

       On another note, I had to cut a close friend loose in law school after I realized she was basically using me as a free therapist and didn’t really care about me at all. Sometimes you just have to look out for number 1.

       1. Wow, thank you so much ladies. All of this is really helpful. I should have mentioned I moved here completely alone a year and a half ago and so I didn’t know anyone outside of school–which I realized was a problem. As a very shy introvert (and since I don’t drink) it does get a little tough to meet people outside the school’s walls. (Somehow the shyness dies when I walk into a work setting, but social situations can be exhausting for me.) I’ve been trying to get more involved at my church in whatever capacity I can, limited though I may be–Bible studies, work projects, etc. That has been a positive switch so far, and part of what is leading me to avoid lashing out in frustration…definitely working on that. Thanks for your input (and letting me know I’m not alone in this kind of situation)!

       2. Heh. This reminds me that I saw a post from Amazon on Facebook (because I’m a fan). It recommended the movie “I Think My Facebook Friend is Dead.” Totally have to watch that today.

    9. I wonder if some of those friends aren’t feeling a bit trapped in their negative mood mode as well. I tend to be a negative person and it’s hard to always realize when I’m doing it. My boyfriend is pretty good at teasing me about whatever I’m dramaqueening about until I realize that, for example, being a bad skiier is not actually a huge life changing fact. Do they know you’re trying to be positive? Sometimes, if you just catch yourself getting negative and say something like “wait, no, I’m not going to complain about this, I’m trying to be a positive person” they might agree that they should do the same, and you can promise to call them on it when they do.

    10. I’m in a really similar situation to you – I’m in law school too, and its not that my friends are negative/dramatic per se, but I deal with anxiety and depression around some pretty stuck up people. I had posted about it here, too, and received lovely responses in return, so I’m glad you’re doing that.

        What I’ve done in the last month and a half is to really evaluate who makes me feel good about myself and who doesn’t. Who I enjoy spending time with and I don’t. Do I get something out of hanging out with X? Do I really like her? Or do I just feel exhausted and drained after, like I’ve had to put on a show and now I can feel more like myself? To me, that was the key to cutting out a lot of friendships.

        The downside? It’s lonelier. There aren’t as many people I’m around. That being said, though, I’m spending a lot less mental energy on *them* and more time on *me*. Which, being a second semester 1L, isn’t necessarily a bad thing, given the importance of our exams this semester.

        I guess what I’m saying is – don’t be afraid to rather be alone, than unhappy. (RIP Whitney). I realize that despite not being popular or whatever – my life is now fulfilling to me, and I don’t think I’m fitting into someone else’s expectations. And mentally, I’m much better off for it.

19. I have a not great day. I graduated from law school May 2011 and have been searching for FT work for the last year. I have had a temp job for a while (3 months), but it is over and I’m desperate for a paycheck, experience, and a fulfilling career. I had an interview today, but 10 minutes before I was scheduled, I got a phone call from a place I interviewed with 2 weeks ago. The prior interivew was for a dream job – as an attorney, in my field of choice, making a decent salary, in the city where I want to live. The phone message told me I was not their top choice and better luck next time. Needless to say, I was crushed and my interview today was a disaster. I would literally be shocked if they called me back with any offer.

    I know none of you *know* me, but sometimes I really feel a part of this community. I know we all have different backgrounds and situations, but I would seriously kill to be in a better situation. Some of you seem to think $60k is a pilthy salary, but me, I would be estatic making $50k and knowing that my job was not planning to dump me soon. I could actually probably make do with less. It’s exhausting having to constantly search for jobs, be on your A game, and field questions like “Why don’t you have a job? Have you tried networking? Looking online? Talking to your school?” I do all those things, have talked with temp agencies, go out a few times a week with alums from my universities… It’s not working. It makes me feel like the biggest loser to have worked so hard to get to this point in my life with nothing to show… And to have the employers and my friends also think that I am not doing enough. If you know other people in this situation, do them a favor and not belittle them into thinking they could be doing more. Sometimes, it’s just not possible.

    1. I am sorry to hear about this disappointment. I understand the effects it has, for I have been there.

       There is a supply and demand imbalance in the law job market and there has been for some time. It was bad when I walked away many, many years ago, and from what I read online the situation is even worse now. The best strategy is to be realistic about what you are facing. This means (1) recognize the imbalance and don’t beat yourself up when you don’t succed in obtaining a job offer, and the (2) find ways to continue to grow your confidence so that you are ready to face the next battle and do so with motivation and an extremely positive and energetic outlook. I realize that 1 and 2 above are constantly in tension. It is a balance that takes time to learn how to walk.

       As my favorite law school professor, for whom I worked as a research assistant and now dead, told me many years ago, “Getting a job is not a battle it’s a war.” I truly believe that the greatest weapon one can carry to that battle is that of a strong self-confidence.

       Hopefully others who have shared similar struggles and found success strategies will offer more and better insight.

    2. First, I am so sorry for your situation. I can’t imagine how stressful that is ( I can imagine, based on my job hunting experience, but I’ve never been in that exact spot). I graduated in May 2010 and have many many many friends who went through what you’re going through and I will say that now, many of the are in permanent jobs and all of them are working, though some still as temps/contractors. I remember when I was stressing third year, before I got my clerkship (thus deferring the stress for one year), I went to the gym every single day. I have never done more cardio in my life. But that was the only thing that kept my spirits relatively high.

       Second, you graduated in May 2011 but I’m guessing you worn sworn in until November or December? So you’ve actually only had your license for 2 months. That’s not so bad. I remember a TON of people in my class finding spots in the spring of 2011 after they got sworn in. A lot of places simply won’t look at you until you’ve passed the bar. So the point of this is that you absolutely should not lose hope because you’ve been looking for a year. There should be more options open to you since you got sworn in that were not open before. I got my job after a one year clerkship. They don’t hire anyone who isn’t sworn in yet.

       1. This is absolutely true. I didn’t even get any interviews until I had been admitted. I took me 8 or 9 months after that to find a full time job. In the meantime I worked a non legal job, did per diem legal work for a solo, and did semi regular exercise (oh and I was living with my parents!)

          I know the job search is exhausting, mentally, physically, emotionally, all the ups and downs ugh. It really sucks and there’s nothing that I found to get me through it, but eventually, myself and many others I know, finally found fulfilling full time employment!

    3. Depending on where you are, maybe you could do something related to the field you want to practice in? As an actual job, not just a volunteer. It may help put your app at the top of the pile and you could make some money while doing it. I’m not in law, but there are a number of lawyers in my field who bounce back and forth between practicing and being professional resources. Just a thought, but hang in there!

    4. Please try not to personalize it, there are many many recent grads in your shoes. Have you tried looking for non-law jobs? I ask only because I have a good friend who graduated in the last law recession, and after a long-term law temping job ended, got a non-legal job in the business sector corporate/finance). She was eventually able to get back into law with valuable industry experience that lawyers like me, who went the biglaw route don’t have. Her first non-legal job was pretty low on the totem pole, but she since she was basically overqualified for it, she advanced quickly, taking new jobs every two years or so.

       1. Could I ask what kinds of non-law jobs she went into. I’ve been looking into this, but I have absolutely no background in business, so I’m having trouble even figuring out what positions to look for. Example: Me three months ago “There are people can’t contracts administrators! They administer contracts! I could do this!”

          1. She worked at a bank.

    5. Anon, there are so many like you that it upsets and angers me that something in our system is so horrifically broken. I have no doubt you are doing everything you can to find a job, that you are smart, talented, and have a ton to offer the world. You are not alone.

       Unrelated to the job search, are you spending time on you? It might help find something you enjoy to spend time on and can be proud of. Write an article, volunteer for a good cause, start a group (a book club or something), reconnect with friends, etc. It will take your mind off things and give you something to redirect the conversation to when people ask about the job search. It will also help you build a life for yourself, a skill that is always needed even after you find a job.

       1. Thanks for all your kind words… And for not making me feel like a bigger loser. I actually went to work out for a while, but believe it or not when I came home there were was another rejection letter in my mail. It totally cancelled everything out. My goal in 2012 was to be more positive about my job search, confidence in 2012! (Southside, I agree with you there!) But it’s truly difficult when stuff like this keeps on happening.

          I appreciate your suggestions. I have been volunteering at my local Ronald McDonald House, and have looked into legal volunteer positions. I have talked to several legal services agencies about volunteering and am still trying to work that out. Every PD and prosecutor’s office that I volunteered to work for free for have turned me down. I have applied to many jobs that would use my undergraduate degree and have not heard back anything positive. I have even resorted to applying to retail stores and bars, but have specifically been turned away and that I was over qualified or that I would quit as soon as I got a full time job.

          I’ve been working out and doing a lot of reading for pleasure, things I did not have the luxury of doing in law school. I try to make one new and interesting meal for dinner each week. However, it’s difficult to be able to go out with friends (like to bars, on trips) when you lack an income. I’m so frustrated that people told me being a hard worker, smart, outgoing will get you places. I’ve been a classic overachiever and I’m not coming close to being fulfilled with my career aspirations. Some people might think that 9months-1 year is not a long time to look for a job, but I would ask you how you pay all your bills in that same period of time or go have a life. I find myself so jealous of people in full time positions because they do not value how lucky they are to be employed.

          I’m usually not so whiny, but seriously, do the interviewers not realize how grateful people like I would be to work for them?

          1. Ooh don’t worry about those letters. I know, it seriously sucks. I felt like I wasted pretty much a year of my life, everyone else is getting engaged, married, buying houses, moving up in their career, and me and my shiny law degree are at my parents house in my childhood bedroom!

             As many have said, you’re out of a job, not a career. Lexis offers cheap accounts to new law grads. Get an account, and solicit some solo practitioners in your area about doing per diem legal research and writing, some of them may just let you follow them around to court, depositions etc. Write an article, start a blawg, these things will help you stay current. CLE’s cost money, but they’re a good way to meet people in your desired practice area. I did ALL those things, and finally got an awesome job, you will too, don’t give up!

          2. I had a special resume for “menial” jobs as I went through the same thing twice- once after the bar exam (hostessed at a restaurant) and 2nd time got laid off as a newbie lawyer (retail). I just left all the graduate degrees off of it. I needed to be working at whatever just to get out of the house. It’s like once you stop looking, wham! you get a call…

    6. Trust that you are doing the best you can, no matter what others think, exercise regularly, and do something fun that takes care of you every day, even if it is just taking 10 minutes to sit in a pool of sunlight with hot tea.

       PS A friend of mine from law school gave me some fantastic advice about job hunting – unless it is related to an upcoming interview, do not listen to your phone messages or pick up your cell phone in the hours leading up to an interview. His rationale was that you could figure out who was calling with callerID.

    7. Your situation is really quite common. I graduated in 2009 from a top 25 school and it took me over a year to find a permanent attorney position. I know some people who are still stuck in semi-legal jobs almost 3 years after graduating. I have a coworker who is almost 4 years out and still in a temporary position. The reality is that things are really hard for 2008 grads onward. Just keep applying and make sure to take care of yourself!

    8. I hear you. I graduated May of 2010 and got my first job offer in May of 2011. It was rough. I had the good luck to have a few temp jobs and family support so that I could afford to work volunteer hours at our local PD’s office, and in order to get my job (which I love and thrive at; it is a small firm with a very warm, nurturing environment for a new attorney) I moved to a tiny town in a rural county totally different from what I was used to. My costs of living are way low so I can afford to work at my job. And I got a raise at the end of 2011 that brought my take-home pay to approx $2800 a month (it varies because we are all we-eat-what-we-kill and I take home a percentage of my billables).

       It’s depressing, discouraging, and expensive. All I can say is that you’re doing the right things and it may not be working yet but give it time. I am totally happy making what I’m making and doing what I’m doing, even though I have to drive an hour and a half to go to a Thai food date with my girlfriends on the weekend.

       You are not a loser. Hang in there!!

    9. OP, I understand exactly what you are saying because I am in the same place… except I am 7 years out of law school. It sucks.

       Looking for a job is hard, but the whole overachiever/ law school/ self confidence drawn largely from successful results makes it even harder on you. I bet every slight, every rejection, every piece of well intended but slightly condescending advice feels like a public humiliation to you, that you feel like everyone in the world is successful except you… and its not true at all. The worst part about looking for a job is that it makes you focus so much on yourself and what you want that you tend to lose sight of the rest of the world. And that makes it harder to find a job, since you are so anxious/ panicked/ freaked out (and expecting rejection) that you aren’t focusing on the employer’s needs or screening mechanism or hiring patterns. Or maybe that is just me.

       What has helped me alot is the local women’s bar association, which hooked me up with a full scholarship to their leadership academy AND a discount to work with a career coach… and approaching potential employers to ask for project work, rather than a full time job (which forces me to focus on what I can do for THEM, rather than my need for a JOB).

       Good luck, and keep your chin up.

20. Has anyone up and moved to a place like the Cayman Islands? I went there on a vacation a few months ago and it seemed like it would be a fun place to work for a couple of years (it sounds like two-year contracts are generally standard for moving there), but I’m afraid that I would go crazy after a couple of months living on a tropical island instead of enjoying a life in paradise. On the other hand, I’ve lived in practically the same place my whole life and while I’ve always pictured myself living here forever, I’m afraid I’m missing out on the experience to do something a little different for awhile (I also did not study abroad in college, which I regret).

    I’m 27, single, no kids, but I do have a dog (I’ve looked into it and I would probably bring her with me). Is this crazy? Has anyone else done it? It sounds like if you’re a lawyer or CPA it’s pretty easy to get a job there.

    1. I have friends who live in St. Croix. They waited until he graduated from the culinary school at Johnson and Wales and then they moved down there and got married. She was a Real Estate agent for awhile and he was a chef at a resort. Now they’ve opened their own restaurant. They love it, I think.

    2. I haven’t done it but it sounds awesome and if you’re not tied to a job or a place right now, I say go for it. Just make sure you can bring your dog and not have her go through any crazy quarantine thing.

       1. I have a job, but I’m not tied to it and feel fairly confident that I could find another job in public accounting if I came back after two years (probably even at the firm I currently work at). I rent, so I don’t need to worry about being tied to a home. And from what I’ve read about importing pets, there’s no quarantine, but it’s a pretty lengthy process (at least six months), so if I actually find a job there’s a good chance I will have to go over before she can. My current roommate has actually offered to watch her in that event though and then send her when she can come.

    3. I haven’t done it, but I do apply for clerkships on the US Virgin Islands and Hawaii every time I see a posting for one (me, and a million other people I assume. I did actually get an interview for a clerkship with a Hawaii state judge one time. In the interview (via skype) he was wearing a Hawaiian print shirt. Sadly, I did not get that job). So I fully support it, especially if you just are going for a two or three years. If you have no kids and no significant other, might as well go for it. I suspect that, as with all moves, there would be an adjustment period, but at least you can do your “oh shoot, I don’t know anyone” adjusting while on the beach in 80 degree weather.

    4. I used to work for a hedge fund as a trader and our CFO did a six year stint as a CPA with Goldman’s offshore fund group in either the Caymans or USVI. He was AWESOME! And all the stories he’d tell. Basically, he said that you find a group of friends, generally go in together on a shared boat rental, and bop from island to island every weekend. He did say that there was a “party all the time” mentality, and you have to search out people who are not always looking for fruity drinks. There are a lot of professionals working in law and financial services–not everyone is a resort worker. Our CFO met his wife there, and overall, had a great time. I am of the mindset that you can do almost anything for a few years….I’ve lived and worked as an expat (in London, totally different) and it’s fun…you know it may not be your home, but the limited time makes you relish every experience. Take the plunge!!!

    5. I have a former coworker who had worked in Palau for about 5 years. They hire a lot of Americans in their court system. He went for a year initially, and ended up staying on. He liked the island life, and didn’t have any close family that he missed. It was a great experience for him. Palau is super isolated, unlike the Caymans. You’d be able to have visitors and get back to the mainland when you want to. I say do it!

       1. it sounds awesome. go for it. harder later in life when you are encumbered.
          i’ve traveled and moved around a lot including abroad and am so glad i have all that in my heart/memory now that i’m settled down (happy settled, just a different thing). i’ll never wonder what if i did something fun and adventurous. and in winter in seattle, i never think ‘what if i lived in the tropics’. i know well the tradeoffs as have lived them, and made my choices accordingly.

          that would be hard with the pup delay but maybe there’s a way to apply for him/her early (now) and have things ready? do they take the dog away from you? when i lived in the mideast we left our dog with a relative. hard, but doable. when i lived in EU i left my birds with family/friends. hate that, but life is a series of tradeoffs.

    6. A work friend of mine passed the bar and moved to Dominica from the mid-atlantic.

       What they say about Facebook being depressing, well, it looks to be a lovely experience!

       And yes, she is genuinely happy. Facebook probably helps in the category of staying in touch without falling off the face of the earth.

       I also worked briefly with a newly hired partner from, um , the Caribbean. She was there for a stint. One challenge was finding support staff with good English, but other than that – they were there with their kids for years and essentially came back for high school. This was 10 years ago, but it can be done with great success!

    7. Oh. Forgot to mention that my brother moved to the Dominican Republic for a year in his early 20’s. He was such a valuable employee, though, that his company set him up so he could work remotely. He’d work until about 2 or 3 and then windsurf until about 6 or 7. He’d come back and work another couple of hours and then go out around 10.

    8. I’m from a similar island (Bermuda) and we always need more CPA’s for short-term positions (we have overemployment, so not enough Bermudians to meet the demand). Check out the websites of the Big Four or talk to your career counselor if you work for one already. There’s a strong expat community here and you’ll have a housing allowance to help pay for rent. It’s only a 2 hour flight to NYC and slightly longer to Boston/DC/Philly/Atlanta, so you can do what the locals do and get “off the rock” if you’re starting to feel a little stir-crazy. I say go for it!

21. How do you respond when your boss just randomly walks by your cube shouting random things? (This is a serious question.)

    1. I don’t think a response is required in such a situation.

       1. Brilliant deadpan, pal. :)

          1. Haha, thanks, I’ve been watching Downton Abbey on Netflix all week and channelling my inner Dowager Countess every chance I get.

    2. I typically laugh. Because situations like this are hilarious to me.

    3. Does he maybe have a Bluetooth in his ear? For the longest time I thought I was surrounded by crazy people talking to themselves, but no, they had Blueteeth thingies in their ear that I couldn’t see.

       1. No, he just does that when he’s stressed.

    4. Silently enjoy the hilarity of it.

       1. That’s what I’d do

    5. I think you’re supposed to share the funny ones with us.

    6. Take a video and post it on YouTube. Don’t forget to share the link with us!

    7. I would say “Indeed!” or else something equally random like “Oranges!”

22. I just wanted to thank those who recommended Taking Control of Your Fertilty sometime last week. I picked up a copy at the library and have been hiding out in my office all week reading it. First off, it is perfect for a type-A personality such as myself, who always feels more in control if I can “study” a topic, even if it is trying to get PG. Second, I am realizing that I have lived my life up to this point with so little knowledge as to the functioning of my own body! Wow, that blows my mind that I went through 19+ yrs. of formal education, including a biology minor in college, and still lacked such basic info. Anyways, I think its great & thanks again for the recommendation!

    1. Yes! Got the book from the library too and found it so helpful and informative. The whole tracking method was like a huge light bulb going off. I really had no idea about my body, evidently.

    2. I’m so glad you like it! I had a similar “aha” experience when I read it.

23. I’ve always wanted to learn how to knit, but I haven’t been able to learn from a book. I learned to crochet from a book and I can pick up needlepoint stitches easily from books and patterns, but knitting escapes me.

    Any ladies of the hive have suggestions?

    1. There are some good videos out there on the web. It’s a very visual thing. The possibility is to find a local yarn store and see if they have classes or if they can recommend someone. The person who owns my favorite yarn store in the Bywater always says that if I help someone learn the basic stitches, she’ll help them with their projects. I’ve taught a lot of people how to knit. Most of them now just need my help to solve problems. It’s fairly easy to learn the stitches – a little harder to follow a pattern, if that’s what you want to do.

    2. Finding a knitting club. NYC has a surprisingly large number and I bet New Orleans does, too.

       1. I’ve never been sure if Barrister is in New Orleans. If so, then Bette Bornside Yarns at the corner of Dauphine and St. Ferdinand. Bette is an amazing lady – a retired microbiologist. She makes up patterns and can figure out just about anything knitting-wise. She also knows about every local knitting group.

          I would also second (or third) Ravelry. I love looking up the patterns I’m planning to try to see what other people have done with them.

          1. I’m actually in Baton Rouge. The pickins’ are pretty slim here. I think there are two shops, but I’ll have to investigate what they would offer in terms of lessons.

             1. Bette’s would be worth a trip down to N.O. on a Saturday. If you’re trying with videos and still struggling, she would definitely help you. She’s only open 10-3 on Saturdays so plan accordingly. I’ve shopped for a lot of things in BR, but never yarn.

             2. you could also go on a site like craigslist or meetup and find people to help start a knitting group/club in your area. that’s the funnest way to learn, is from other knitters, and the experienced ones often enjoy introducing newbies to knitting. In my old town, there was a weekly knitting group that met at my neighborhood coffee shop on Sundays, don’t have to be near a yarn shop.

             3. Just checked BR and it looks like there are two possibilities – Knits by Nana on Old Hammond Highway and Knitting Asylum on Summa (not sure where that is, looks like it’s off of Essen). Knits by Nana looks like it might be a bit rah rah LSU (and maybe a bit maw maw for someone your age) but you never know. Knitting Asylum looks more like a place that would have hand-dyed yarns, etc., which could be cool. If neither of those work, let me know when you might make a trip to N.O. and I could meet you at Bette’s for a quick lesson. It’s a homey little store with a couch.

    3. Try knittinghelp[dot]com

       I had several books that I looked through, but couldn’t get the hang of it until I saw some videos. It did take several tries.

       ravelry[dot]com is also awesome for knitters and crocheters. You may get lucky and find a friendly knitting group where people will be happy to help you along.

       NOLA’s suggestion of a class at a yarn store is also a good one.

       yay! knitting! I would much rather be doing that now than attempting to be productive at work.

       1. http://www.knittinghelp.com/

          and

          http://www.ravelry.com/

       2. I would also rather be knitting now than “working.” Instead I take my breaks and look at Ravelry!

       3. Also, not everybody gets stoked knitting a scarf. I was bored and not progressing very much beyond the basic/intermediate level until I got this book:

          http://www.amazon.com/Knit-Your-Own-Easy-Follow/dp/1579128742

          (Knit Your Own Dog). For those with busy schedules but who want dogs and who want to knit… :-)

          1. Oooh, I love that one. If I had any knitting skills, I would knit myself a cat (from the Knit Your Own Cat book).

    4. Youtube has a lot of very helpful videos. Are you on Ravelry? There is so much information on there. Most yarn stores also have some sort of basic knitting class. Also, just ask around if anyone you know knows how to knit! I’ve shown tons of people how to knit and most knitters I know are happy to help others learn.

    5. Yes. You need knittinghelp(dot)com which has extremely helpful videos on all of the basics. I taught myself to knit almost entirely from that site. A local yarn shop (LYS) will also be extremely helpful — and probably will have a beginners class if you’re so inclined. If you need to find your LYS, use ravelry.com http://www.ravelry.com/yarns — about halfway down the page you’ll see a box where you can search for a LYS by zip code. (I think you have to “sign up” for ravelry by creating a user name and password but it’s free and there is no spam, etc. — there is also a forum section where you can ask questions which will be very helpful if you don’t know any other knitters to ask).

    6. I taught myself to crochet by watching youtube videos. I bought a book, but it wasn’t hacking it so I just googled it and low and behold… I could give you a few suggestions, but there are so many different channels that all have their own flavor. I’d second the idea for ravelry. It’s a great community for this sort of craft!

    7. I might take a stab at you-tube and take another look at ravelry. I just didn’t want to schedule and/or have to pay for lessons. I already take a lot of time to work on my needlepoint projects (which you knitting ladies might enjoy actually).

       I’ve wanted to learn how to knit since I was little, I just haven’t dedicated sufficient time to it. I understand the concept, but I always end up tucking a needle under my arm and holding it there for balance (if that makes any sense). If it comes down to it, I may just have to shell out the cash and take some lessons.

       1. If you are having trouble balancing the needles, try learning with a circular needle. You can use them for knitting things like socks, but you can also use them for flat projects. I use circular needles pretty much exclusively and I love them.

    8. If you were here, I’d say come over. It would only take 30 minutes to teach you, particularly since you know how to crochet already.

       But I take it from your handle that you’re not in San Francisco. We have the Bay and the Bayview, but no Bayou.

       I agree with others who say you just need someone to show you. Yarn stores would be a good idea, or just asking anyone you know who knits – almost all of us LOVE to create new converts, so then we can spend time talking fiber content, yarn sales, cabling needles, etc.

       1. I had the same thought, especially considering we’re at least in the same state. But I can’t even find the time to finish the two projects in bags next to my bed…

    9. Slightly off-topic, but I think all us Corporette knitters and crocheters need a knit-along or a S&B session. Ravelry anyone?

       1. Heh. I was just going to suggest a Corporette Ravelry Group…

          1. Yes!!

          2. I was thinking the same!

             1. Hmmm, I’m happy to start one on Rav — any thoughts on a name?

                I don’t want to step on Kat’s toes by using anything Corporette related…

       2. Would love a knit-along. Brilliant.

       3. Great idea!

    10. A friend of mine (74 next week) goes to “open knitting time” at the local yarn store. They also have knitting classes. She adores it: she meets friends, she learns new patterns, she kibbutzes, she noshes, it’s all good. Maybe find a nice local yarn store?

    11. Thanks ladies for all the great advice. I will buy some new needles and give it a shot.

        NOLA, when the weather gets a little better I might take you up on your offer and meet you in New Orleans!

    12. For those of you who knit or crochet, please consider getting involved in Project Linus (http://www.projectlinus.org/). They distribute handmade blankets to children who are hospitalized or otherwise in need. My son received one of their blankets during an overnight hospital stay resulting from a playground accident involving a headfirst dive into a pole. (He informs me that he did get the game winning touchdown.) Aside from a nasty scar (mentioned in another thread) he will be fine, an overnight hospital stay was scary, for both him and me, none-the-less. The blanket was a great comfort and now my son refuses to go to sleep without it.
        I am limited by my lack of time and skills to just donating money; but getting involved in Project Linus seems like a nice way to enjoy your hobby and have your handiwork be really appreciated by children (and their families) who are going through a scary time.

24. Thanks all who gave me advice on today’s TPS thread about the partner recruiting call. I work in the public sector and am pretty clueless about how recruiting in larger law firms work. This is for a position in a new office, so they may just get people started quickly. I figure there’s no harm in interviewing and if it does turn out that there are lots of red flags, I don’t have to take the job.

25. I just found out I’ve been selected to argue my clinic’s criminal case in front of the Ninth Circuit in April. Commencing freakout in three, two, one…

    Ladies, any tips to get the nerves under control? I’m on the moot court team and have a couple competitions under my belt, but the stakes are ten billion times higher here.

    1. Congrats and good luck! I do transactions, so no advice. Sorry!

    2. I was in a similar position when I was a 3L in my clinic (different circuit). My clinic professor assembled an entire team to help prepare and grill me in the weeks leading up to it. We did run-throughs with different people every few days. It was so helpful and I ended up being soooo prepared that I knew I couldn’t mess up. The feeling was awesome. If your professor doesn’t arrange a similar set up for you, try to arrange it for yourself – I’m sure professors and others in the community will be willing to give you the support and guidance you need to prepare. Congrats and good luck!

       1. P.S. I do transactions and knew that was what I wanted to do before I even started law school. I didn’t do moot court or similar competitions in school. I’m sure having that experience to draw on will be very helpful for you.

    3. I’m with Annie. Congrats! This is a seriously awesome thing to do and an honor. (not in transactions, and actually slightly jealous)

    4. Exercise!

    5. That’s awesome!! Congratulations!

    6. I used to teach a 9th Circuit clinic at a local law school in OC. My co-professor (male) and I had a whole preparation routine that lasted months for our students. I also had a more personal “how not to panic” presentation that I gave. If you want to hear it, leave me your email and I will contact you.

       1. remember it’s a great opportunity and not all about you- won’t be the end of the world no matter what- and the client needs you to be calm and professional. remember it might get rescheduled. remember this is the first in many speaking things you’ll do. think of it as a new normal part of your bag of tricks and look forward to getting to have the stage. it’s fun to have people pay attention to what you say. obviously, be prepared.

    7. Don’t panic. I’m a new-ish lawyer, and former federal appellate clerk, and the first time I had an appellate argument, I thought I was going to die.
       Tips:
       -find out who is on your panel, this will make a huge difference in what to expect. You might be panicking for no reason.
       -realize that quality of advocacy varies greatly. Every once in a while, you will see a Ted Olsen like performance, but the vast, vast majority of people are very mediocre. Just by virtue of being smart and well prepared, you will be way ahead of the game.
       – Try to spend a day watching arguments, even if it is a different panel. The wide spectrum of competence will be apparent very quickly. You can also listen to a audio stream of past arguments on the 9th Circuit website. This will give you a sense of how much questioning, etc. You can also probably search for recent opinions in your topic area, then find the audio files for those particular cases on the 9th Circuit site.
       -Take solace in the fact that you are likely not going to move the needle that much in oral argument. Briefs are the most important. There is already a lengthy bench memo that will probably mirror the ultimate opinion, absent your case being really controversial or novel.
       -as long as you are well prepared, and don’t freeze up, it doesn’t matter if you lose. You can only do the best you can with the facts you have, especially at the appellate level.

       And, try to enjoy this experience. There are many, many senior associates out there who rarely make it into a court room, let alone the 9th Circuit.

26. has anyone bought clothes from eshakti? Cute stuff but how’s the quality?

    1. The quality varies wildly. Their customer service is good, but once you’ve bought from them they spam you with emails and it’s hard to stop them. Personally, I wasn’t thrilled with most of what I ordered from them, and so I never ordered again.

27. I will not eat the delicious baked goods that have been provided for us tonight. No matter how good they smell. Work is not worth the calories. I have now earned a guilt-free pastry on my next vacation.

    1. I’m sure they’re gross anyway.

       1. Haha thanks. One is a fabulous looking apple pie. People are making noises while they eat. I have an apple….

    2. I hear the flour for the pastries they used had weevils in it.

       1. Wow, what is up with my sentence structure there? I sound like I’m mentally translating from French or something.

          Anyway, what I mean is, the pastries have little ground-up bugs in them.

          Save me one.

          1. Extra protein. :-)

       2. So that’s what Torchwood does with the weevils they catch….

    3. I don’t know if you are familiar with King Cake, but it is really big in Louisiana during Mardi Gras season. Someone dropped off a raspberry and cream cheese filled King Cake today and I literally had to back away from the kitchen area and retreat to my office. I had already caved and had a chicken caprese crepe for lunch – so I have to make up for that at the gym tonight and didn’t want to make it worse with fabulous cake.

    4. If I can refrain for 15 minutes, then I imagine all the people pawing over it, cutting of “just a little bit”, breathing on it, licking their fingers and taking another piece. Basically, I gross myself out so I no longer want it.

       1. Great strategy for a germophobe with great imagination like myself

28. K in NYC – how are you doing? I’ve been thinking a lot about you and I hope that you are well.

    1. Ditto.

    2. Me too, in fact I almost posted the exact same thing yesterday.

    3. Hi K. I’ve been thinking of you, too.

       1. Me as well! We’re sending you virtual hugs.

    4. Would have posted the same if Blonde Lawyer hadn’t already. Hope things are ok with you and do let us hear a word or two, if you are up to it.

       1. it’s 4:35am and I’m reading this because I’m still not able to really sleep (except for an hour or two around 7 when my body forces it, then I wake up at 8ish, look for him, realize he isn’t there, burst into tears, and start the day)… finding this made me tear up for a completely different reason. I truly wish I could hug each of you.

          To answer the question, I’m getting slightly better at faking being better but the unemployed/single part of me means no real requirements to leave the house so I haven’t so much this past week. I’m sending resumes wherever possible and trying to channel my energy somewhere and I just took care of the hospital testing in preparation for donating stem cells for an anonymous patient in need. (I matched from the bone marrow registry.)

          I still can’t sleep without lights on and I keep streaming tv from the computer (I don’t own a tv) because dark + silence = way too much. I haven’t even considered yet that Valentine’s Day is around the corner and it’s the first time I won’t have a significant other or a pup to spoil and share it with, which breaks my heart… Truly the thing keeping me going is the support from you guys who really have been such a lifeline. I truly can’t thank you enough.

          1. More love and hugs, K.

             1. And more from me.

             2. Thinking of you here, too, K.

             3. Me as well. I’m very impressed by what you’re doing to take care of yourself and do good. It will come back around to you, I know it.

             4. From me, too, K. Losing a beloved pet is so hard … you deserve time to grieve and heal. Sending love and support….

          2. love, prayers and *hugs*

          3. Same – hugs and happy thoughts to you. Don’t know where I’d be without my Fuzzy Valentines. I’ve often thought I might need to take a leave of absence from my job if one of mine goes. I’m sure I’ll push through it, but they mean that much to me.
             Have you thought about volunteering with dogs or working as a dog walker/pet sitter in order to get some of that puppy love back in your life? Maybe it is too soon, but just a thought . . .

          4. Hi K,

             Glad to hear from you. I don’t have much for words of advice. My only suggestion would be to try to develop a new morning routine to break up the attempt at the old routine. Maybe if you wake up, read one chapter from a book, and then get out of bed for enough days you will wake up and reach for your book instead of wake up and look for your dog. I’m glad to hear that you are still able to go forward w/ the bone marrow donation. That is awesome! You are literally giving life to someone.

29. my girlfriend and i are probably going to get engaged soon (both women, not that it matters). i’m interested in a non-traditional ring – no diamonds, no fake diamonds, probably a different stone, not sure what stone. does anyone have any suggestions of where to look at rings? i’m open to buying online or in person (los angeles, california). budget is very low – like $1000 maximum if that’s doable. I think I like platinum. I know NOTHING about rings. resources to learn about rings would also be helpful.

    thanks so much!

    1. I have been fantasizing about buying a fun ring lately. I found some wonderful stuff when I just google imaged “antique + [insert gemstone of choice] ring” or, even better “art deco” instead of antique. But I really like those delicate and ornate looks.
       Congratulations on your engagement to be!
       Also, try etsy. There are some amazing jewelers on there with all kinds of styles.

       1. Ditto the google and etsy suggestions. Also, you could try pricescope [dot] com. It’s geared toward people who like diamonds and I’m sure most of it will not appeal to you, but I have found it a helpful resource at times and there are plenty of photos. As for your like of platinum… do you like it for the weight or the color (or something else)? If you like it for the color, consider white gold. 14K is sturdy enough for most purposes (sturdier than 18K), and it’s cheaper than platinum. There are also some “new” (or newly popular) alternative metals you might want to consider.

    2. So exciting! Check out Turtle Love Co. or Bario-Neal. Congrats!

    3. I love love love sapphires. They are a “hard stone,” which means they wont chip or get scuffed up easily; they come in the most beautiful colors (although a vibrant blue is my favorite); and you can find good quality stones much cheaper than diamonds.

       If you are looking for good quality jewelry for much lower than your average jewelery store check out costco. They have some great quality stuff!

    4. etsy! tons of gorgeous stuff. I don’t know what style you’re looking for but the following website also has tons of beautiful rings in your price range (if you’re into vintage, that is): http://www.georgianjewelry.com/jewelry/antique-rings

       happy hunting and congratulations :)

       1. I want half of the rings on that site. If only I had large sums of money laying around I wasn’t using.

    5. I have a non-white diamond so i get excited about nontraditional rings. it’s been a long time since i bought any fine jewelry but i think platnimum costs more than gold, so if it works better for your budget you may want to consider white gold to get the same aesthetic without the price tag. also, sapphires are a very common non-diamond daily wear ring because the stone is hard. i think blue nile’s website has a pretty good learning about rings page, as would many of the other big retailers (zales, etc.)

       1. oooh if you have a yellow diamond I’m totes jeal. I agree, OP should consider white gold and sapphires. I’m pretty sure sapphires are harder than rubies and emeralds. There’s also yellow, pink and other colored sapphires. Or, you can go with a semi precious stone, and you’ll have even more color options. Just think about the colors your SO is drawn to.

    6. Blue Nile has a beautiful selection of not diamond rings and we had a great experience with ordering both an engagement ring and wedding rings there.

    7. Congratulations! I would say you could check places (stores in your area) that sell estate jewelry. Interesting stuff there that you might not think of.

    8. If you like platinum, then I would go with a great looking platinum band, which will probably run close to $1000 if you have stones set into it. I don’t have any suggestions for specific jewelers, but I would go into places and look and play with different options. A good jeweler can also make something for you in your price range. Happy shopping and more importantly, CONGRATS on your upcoming engagement! Fun times!

    9. Congrats! I think that A Practical Wedding has a few sponsors that offer beautiful non-traditional (non-typical??) rings. Bonus points that all the APW sponsors are LGBT supportive. LA should have some wonderful options as well, if you know where to look. Maybe yelp “unique engagement ring” and see what pops? I would think that a fancy consignment store or pawn/estate store would have some really interesting stuff.

       As for alternative stones, awesome, but be sure to wikipedia the stone to check its hardness on the Mohs scale for durability. Rubies and sapphires and emeralds (and diamonds) are very hard stones and will last a long time. Moissanite is chemically almost identical to diamonds, a lot cheaper, and just as hard. Tanzanite (my favorite, sniff) and especially pearls are not durable and are riskier choices for rings you plan to wear all the time.

       Blue Nile’s website has wonderful educational sections that will explain platinum vs. palladium vs. titanium vs. white gold. Mine is platinum to match my ering, but my DH’s is palladium. They both look great. Our doctor friend said no titanium because apparently in medical emergencies, it is too hard to cut off, so people have lost fingers (?!!).

       May I suggest signing up for pinterest and pinning a bunch of ring ideas to keep track? Ross Simmons will have interesting ones online to give you ideas as well. I also strongly suggest trying on lots of rings – what looks good or bad to you in a picture may look differently on your hand.

       1. My husband and I did white gold bands with small stones inset into bank (small peridot for me, several tiny rubies for him-we used each other’s birthstones). We worked with Sally at “Fancy” in Seattle and did both for a little over $1000. I would recommend talking with independent jewelers, she was a pleasure to work with and we liked being able to spend out money with her rather than a large corporation. Oh, yes, and CONGRATULATIONS!!!

    10. Check out beladora for lovely estate rings. Congrats!

    11. Congratulations! Check out the jewelry district in downtown LA. Good prices. You can have whatever you want made custom. Or choose from a wide selection.

    12. depends on your woman (congrats!!)- I like antique stuff. more interesting/classy many times, less costly, less issues of creating mining/labor/environmental problems, less conformist behavior. estate sale and vintage shops have some beautiful things. rubies, emeralds, metalwork. I wear a 1950’s geometric art-deco-esque diamond ring i got on ebay. didn’t do diamond first 10 years, for some reason decided to last year.

    13. If you like platinum but the price is making it difficult, look at palladium. I’m not sure of the difference (I knew it once) but I have a platinum engagement ring, then balked at the price of a platinum wedding band. My palladium band was I think 100 dollars, matches my platinum E-ring, and is very durable.
        And CONGRATS!!

    14. I love sapphires and have been stalking thenaturalsapphirecompany for years! They have gorgeous sapphires of all types and colors. You can either buy a stone and take it to your jeweler of choice, choose a stone and have them set it, or choose from their collection of completed rings.

    15. No suggestions, but just writing to congratulate you on the impending engagement!

30. Makeup advice–I am in the market for a new mascara. Mainly, I am looking for something that does not clump! I would also like a mascara that makes my eyelashes look long and full.

    Has anyone found a mascara they love?

    1. I really love Maybelline One by One Volume Express, I use the waterproof version. I find that it doesn’t clump at all, though I do only use one coat. Bonus is that it’s quite inexpensive. It also doesn’t flake at all – even though I rub my eyes a lot.

       My second favorite is Covergirl Lashblast, the one in the orange tube.

       I bought the Sephora mascara sampler – this one

       http://www.sephora.com/browse/product.jhtml?id=P295701

       – and I am slowly making my way through it. Nothing is as good as those two drugstore mascaras so far.

    2. I really like maybelline full and soft (not very dramatic) but lately I’ve been loving clinique lash doubling mascara.

       I tried Loreal double extend or something, and I did not like that tube/fiber formula and hot it is when you try to remove it. I find the primer useful if I want a more dramatic look.

       FWIW I have kind of sparse thin semi long dark lashes, so I mainly look for volume in a mascara, though I find the crazy volumizing ones do not work well on me.

       1. I use Maybelline Full and Soft too. I’ve used it for years. I’ve tried others, but I always come back to it because it’s the best there is.

    3. As a splurge during a particularly terrible week, I convinced myself I *needed* fancy new mascara and wound up with Guerlain Noir G., in a delightful re-fillable, mirror-containing tube. Heinously expensive (see terrible week splurge), but I am absolutely 100% percent in love with it! And though expensive, less expensive than the shoes I was considering purchasing to soothe the soul…

    4. I love the sephora brand mascara. Also have heard good things about benefit.

    5. Trish McEvoy! It’s my make-up splurge and I’m obsessed.

    6. Lancome Definicils waterproof.

    7. My favorites- Dolce &Gabbana (yes, really) and Benefit Bad Girl. You don’t even need to curl lashes with those two!

31. hey ladies!

    I’m looking for style blog recommendations. Any suggestions? i read Kendie everyday, thatschic and milkteeths. I’ve checked out a couple that have been recommended here in the past (can’t think of the name, but one of them was academia-themed) but didn’t love them. Does anyone have a really great style/fashion blog they’d like to recommend?

    Thanks! Happy Friday. :)

    1. BecauseI’mAddicted.net
       HonestlyWTF.com
       CupcakesandCashmere.com
       Sartorialist.com

    2. I am also looking for style blog recommendations – I know this is an extremely specific request, but I am looking for one with a author/subject that has a body type similar to mine, which is curvy but thin. Milk teeths and sea of shoes are fun, but clothes so different on someone with a larger chest. A lot of style blogs typically feature women who with more of a Jackie O / Kate Moss body type and I have more of the Marilyn /Salma Hayak body type. Thanks in advance!

       1. missunderpinnings
          thinandcurvy
          hourglassy
          stackdd
          bralessinbrasil
          brasihate

          1. thanks for these recs – i’ve been looking for the same thing.

    3. Thanks for the suggestions! I d read the sartorialist and garance dore (love her) and really enjoy both of those. I’ll check out these other suggestions. Thanks!

       1. Cupcakes and cashmere. The author is amazing, and seems like a really nice person in her videos.

    4. Extrapetite (love this, even though I’m not petite)
       Whatiwore (I get blog-fatigue sometimes, but generally love her)
       Youlookfab (Angie is fantastic)
       Omiru (finally back after long hiatus!)

    5. You might have been thinking of academichic.com, which is now discontinued (or no longer active?), although the site is still there.

       I second the YouLookFab recommendation. I also like Already Pretty, not so much because I would wear most of what she wears (I wouldn’t), but I enjoy her reflections on style and body image as it relates to style. Both of these bloggers do a weekly round-up of other blog posts their readers have enjoyed, so you might check those out, as well.

       9to5Chic is more straight-up style and I am impressed with her ability to look infinitely more put-together than I could ever hope to be.

    6. Wardrobe Oxygen – the author is curvy and she wears some very stylish and cute colorful work outfits. I like her writing also.
       See Jane on BlogSpot (seejaneworkplaylive) – very chic, tall and slim, wish I looked so put together!

    7. Ooh, thanks all, these are great! 9to5 and See Jane are right up my alley. I’ll check out the rest as well. Thanks!

32. I just wanted to comment on my new Favorite Dessert Ever, which I stole from The Fitnessista (http://fitnessista.com/2010/08/i-had-to-do-it/) but modified to make, um, less healthy.

    Chocolate Mug Cake (Serves one sad and lonely single lady eating over her sink with a cat) (do not feed to cat)

    Ingredients:
    -2 T flour
    -1 T cocoa powder (unsweetened; if you use sweetened don’t add sweetener later)
    -1/8 t baking soda
    -pinch of sea salt
    -1 egg white
    -2 T milk
    – 1 T oil, yogurt or applesauce
    -1 T chocolate chips
    – About 2 t sugar (or 1 t Stevia)
    – Cinnamon, or you’re feeling bold, a shake of cayenne pepper

    Grease a coffee mug (nonstick spray is fine if you have it). Add the dry ingredients, except the sweetener. Mix in the wet ingredients. Taste it and add as much sweetener as you need to make it yummy. Mix well and thump on counter to get bubbles out. Add the chocolate chips last.

    Microwave for about 2.5 minutes. Be forewarned that the cake will rise up over the rim of your cup, and you will panic, but it will not get all over your microwave. It sinks back down when it’s done cooking.

    Enjoy with delicious chocolate sauce, ice cream, etc.

    1. 1. This sounds amazing! Of course, chocolate cake, in a mug or otherwise, is the last thing I need … but I foresee myself trying it in the near future.

       2. Love the description and instructions. Well done :)

    2. this is perfect! Last week I made a loaf of banana bread on the weekend (with a craving for a slice) and ate THE ENTIRE THING by Monday morning. ahhh. But this is great – someone should make a recipe for individual portions of all sorts of desserts!

    3. I loved this! Thanks for posting this Bluejay. I’m an empty-nester and just sometimes want something sweet but small, and this was just perfect.

       For anyone who needs it gluten-free, I used 1 TBSP of gluten-free flour and 1 TBSP of almond flour to replace the wheat flour and added 1/8 tsp of vanilla to off-set the flavor of the GF flour. I also used one packet of splenda instead of the sugar. Next time I’ll try the yogurt instead of the oil.

       1. I just ate brownies made with Stonewall Kitchen Gluten Free Brownie Mix. Amazingly good.

    4. Thank you!

33. Overly critical? I am trying to hire a senior attorney with very specialized skills. Most of the candidates put forth by our HR department have not been qualified. I finally got a few good candidates. One of them sent me a thank you email where he hyphenated “thank” and “you” (“Dear SV in House, Thank-you . . .”). It makes me want to drop him from the few candidates progressing to the next round. Am I being ridiculous?

    1. It may well be that I am a Very Bad Person, but that would cause me to cross him off the list of potential candidates immediately.

    2. I’m with Amy H. No one with a law degree should misuse hyphens.

    3. I would usually forgive a close hyphen mistake that people often make, but I have never seen “thank you” hyphenated. That’s just seems like he hasn’t been paying attention to words his whole life.

       1. And not paying attention to words is a problem for a lawyer.

       2. Editor, here.

          You use a hyphen in “thank you” only when it is being used as a compound adjective – such as in “I’d like to send you thank-you note.”

          But if you are just saying, “Thank you so much,” definitley not.

          1. And then I go and spell “definitely” incorrectly. Not my day, I guess!

          2. My last boss did this every.single.time. We pointed out to him several times that there should not be a hyphen, but it never stopped him.

    4. He’s gone.

    5. HR is likely checking boxes off that they think you need according to the job classification and category. (At least, this is what our HR office does!!) If you haven’t already, advertise on national professional organization websites. Put the word out to folks and firms (former clients?) that you trust. Word travels fast. If you are serious about finding the right candidiate, let people know that you are open to receiving resumes. If you find one you like, then tell them to apply with HR. That way, you’ve pre-screened them.

       1. off the list. unacceptable.
          you could get the resumes from HR and flip through yourself- our company misses the best people often until we cull through it ourselves.

    6. I posted a position at around noon on Friday and, of course, got an application last night that was a generic letter about the person’s experience and skills and didn’t address a single one of our required qualifications. That just ticks me off. I mean, don’t people realize that they are wasting our time if they don’t address the ad? I guess I should get used to the idea that the first few will probably be throwaways.

    7. Not ridiculous at all. I would totally ding him for that. It’s one thing to make a hyphenation mistake in one’s everyday writing, but in a thank you email to someone who interviewed you? That’s the sort of thing you should be proofreading at least twice before you press send.

34. Hello!
    I am trying to find a job for post graduation (from undergrad) and I was wondering if anyone on here had ever just picked up and moved around or part way around the world. (Like different country as opposed to opposite coast)
    I would like to and I figure that this is the best time in my life to try it given that at 22 the only responsibilities I will really have are loan payments. Where I find the paycheck for them doesn’t matter.
    Has anyone ever tried this or known someone who has? I know getting a work visa would be a challenge, but other than that are there things to be on the lookout for?
    I am pretty outgoing so I don’t think making friends etc. would be a humongous challenge, at least not more so than a new city in the USA would be.

    1. also this is what happens when I post without reading the entire thread….

    2. I’ve done this a couple of times in my financial-services life from Asia to Europe and back again, and have also supervised incoming/ outgoing staff. It is wonderful for personal and professional development but I doubt if it would have been do-able if I had kids or if my husband wasn’t super-supportive. So you are right that it may suit your current life stage.

       What you will find challenging is the availability of entry-level jobs in the field of your choosing. Few sponsoring firms will seek a visa for a foreign applicant in these jobs (sometimes they cannot, since many visa regimes require employers to show that they cannot fill the role with a local applicant).

       Have a think about your skills and how they may be presented to address specific jobs – is your basic degree in a specialist area ? do you have languages ? I think this will help you do more focused homework about where and how you might find a job (or not).

       On the other hand, if income and getting a start in the profession of your choice are lower priorities vs. seeing the world, have a think a service-oriented organisation like Peace Corps or some such.

       1. I was on a plane to Asia less than a day after my undergrad graduation and stayed for three years. I can’t think of any better way I could have spent those years. If your goal is just to get somewhere that isn’t the US (or your home country), look into fellowship programs– Fulbright (it seems like teaching positions are easier to get than research), Peace Corps, Watson, there’s a bunch of Princeton-in-the-world programs (like Princeton in Africa, Princeton in Asia) that are open to all college grads. These all skew toward the developing world, but I’m sure there are many more for all over. (I know I’ve heard of some specifically for Israel and specifically for France.) If you get some experience somewhere from a fellowship and want to stick around it’s easier to find a job and navigate logistics like visas because you’ve developed a network and have proof of your language skills. Fellowships don’t usually pay as much, but they often come with health insurance and qualify for student loan deferral.

    3. You can always look into teaching abroad. Japan and Korea seem to have the most options in terms of jobs that will pay enough to allow you to keep up with your student loans. Some places will want you to have some sort of TEFL certificate. I know my local university offers a program/training that I don’t think takes too long, but other places really don’t care if you have any teacher training. Some people start out in teaching and once they master the language and make connections, they move into something that pays more.

    4. Sure. I’ve lived all over the world.

       At your age, you’re unlikely to be recruited by companies for foreign postings unless you have some extremely unusual things on your resume. I would suggest you look into teaching English in Asia, or volunteer programs. Most volunteer programs carry with them loan repayment assistance. Consider the Peace Corps, which is the most well-known and, I think, prestigious. I also am familiar with some religiously-affiliated programs, and Maryknoll and the Mennonite Central Committee are good ones. Also consider applying to overseas graduate programs. There are American universities in a number of countries, and a degree from a well-respected foreign institution will be just as good as an American one. I don’t know what region you’re interested in, but some well-respected schools in English-speaking countries that I know are friendly to foreign graduate students include Queen’s University Belfast, Trinity College Dublin, London School of Economics, Oxford, Cambridge, Maquairie University in Australia, the University of Ghana, Makerere University in Uganda. I just thought of these off the top of my head – I’m sure there are more.

       Most international organizations want job candidates who already have international experience. If you have volunteered overseas for several years, this will count and will give you a significant advantage in the job market. My employer hires many, many returned Peace Corps volunteers for our entry-level positions. So I recommend you seriously consider the international volunteer option.

35. I’m thinking of going for an MBA, but my mentor has suggested I go for a JD instead. The thing is, I will be 31 when I start a JD program. Assuming I get into a reasonably good school, what are the job prospects like coming out? Will a good legal job be impossible simply because I will be too old when I graduate?

    1. Oh my goodness, can I just say *facepalm.* Also, *headdesk.* If you aren’t sure whether you want an MBA or JD, then you shouldn’t be enrolling in either program. Age isn’t necessarily an issue, especially if you have interesting pre-law experience, such as tax or science or engineering or accounting. If your experience is relevant, it can be an asset. But much more importantly, do you actually want to be a lawyer (and do you have an accurate understanding of what being a lawyer entails)??? Do you have the grades and LSAT scores to get into a top 20 law school? Are you willing to be an excellent student for three years so you get good grades? Because if the answer to any of those questions is no, you should not go to law school at all.

       Job prospects are absolute crap for all but maybe the top five law schools of students, and the very top of the class for the top 20 schools. The debt burden from law school is enormous, and most people do not get jobs that can pay off those loans on a 10+ year plan. Read Above The Law’s posts on the legal market, as well as google the various class actions on how law schools have been lying about employment statistics. Sorry to be so harsh, but my goodness.

       1. Oh haaaiiii SF BAY Associate. Its like we were writing the same thing at the same time. :-)

          1. :) We so have to get coffee if you ever find yourself out this way.

             1. YES! Again, where’s the like button. :-)

       2. Agree with everything SF Bay Associate said.

          And I went to a top five law school, and the job prospects were still absolute crap the year I graduated. It’s only gotten marginally better. Just. Don’t. Do. It. Seriously, if I can convince one person not to go to law school, I’ll feel that I’ve made a difference.

       3. This is all generally true, but not totally accurate. I went to a top 50 school, clerked for a federal appellate court, got an extremely desirable BigLaw position, then made partner after 8 years. You are not doomed if your school is not in the top 20.

          1. From the sound of it, you also went to school a decade ago. Its hard out there right now, especially for someone who doesn’t know what they want to do with their degree. But good for you!

    2. Don’t go to law school unless you want to be a lawyer. There have literally been books written about this on-line and this has little to do with age, but seriously, don’t go to law school unless you actually want to be a lawyer. Its a lot of money and a lot of time just to have a degree.

    3. I think it’s fairly well documented that job prospects for JDs, regardless of your age, are fairly low right now. I will be 39 when I graduate in May. I have no interest in working in Big Law, and I don’t think Big Law really wants me anyway (married with young kids and no interest in working my butt off to make a partner 7+ figures while I eek out 6. I would rather work my butt of to eek out 6 figures for myself, and have my ambition and my own family’s financial needs drive how much I work. No offense to the Big Law partners here). Your age really does not matter at this point, IMO. There are plenty of newly minted JDs who are older than your traditional law student. Also, many legal employers prefer employees with life experience. You should not expect that you will be the top 10%. Assume you will be in the bottom 90 and build your expectations around that reality.

    4. This is strange. Is there a specific reason why your mentor suggested a JD over an MBA (e.g., related to what kind of job you’re ultimately hoping to get). It has been said here before, but bears repeating: but unless you want to be a LAWYER, don’t get a JD. A JD is not a universal degree.

       As for your question, age itself isn’t the job killer. I graduated with a JD when I was 37. My best friend in biglaw graduated when she was 40. We both got biglaw jobs. The bigger issue is where you are likely to be in your life. I started having kids in my mid-30s, and balancing a new law job and young kids turned out to be too much for me.

    5. My husband and I are in a similar situation to what you will be if you DO decide to get a JD (which I do not recommend unless you want to be a lawyer. Unless you do, your mentor has no idea what he’s talking about – a JD is not universal).

       I am a straight-through graduate from a top 25 school. My husband (who turned 32 a month after starting 1L) and I met when we were both 1Ls. He’s incredibly bright, and had a demanding (though not super academic) career in both the military as a specialized officer, and then for a federal agency. He had problems adjusting to law school/being a student again after almost 10 years out of school.

       He also had rather extreme problems finding work during school and post-graduate as a lawyer/clerk. If you’re looking to be a lawyer (and again, don’t go to law school if you’re not), most firms and organizations are looking for entry-level attorneys who are willing to work lots of hours for (relatively) little pay, unless you’re one of the blessed few who ends up in BigLaw. Whether it’s fair or not, my husband has found that he was not considered as highly as our younger classmates for positions, despite doing well in school.

       In the end, it’s worked out for us, but he basically abandoned his law degree and has gone back to working 9-5 for the federal government in the same specialized field he was in before law school, and makes approximately 3 times what he could have expected to make as a starting attorney.

       If you have more specific questions regarding our experience in this market, please feel free to ask.

       1. And… in case it wasn’t abundantly clear to the OP: “the blessed few who end up in BigLaw”… well, we’re not all sunshine and rainbows!

          Agree entirely with everything that SF Bay Associate and TCFKAG said above as well. I was practically flailing reading your question. DO. NOT. GO. TO. LAW. SCHOOL. UNLESS. AND. UNTIL. YOU. DECIDE. THAT. YOU. ABSOLUTELY. WANT. TO. BE. A. LAWYER.

          1. Same as the above – I didn’t mean to imply BigLaw didn’t come with serious drawbacks. I just meant that you tend to see a much higher compensation scheme in BigLaw than in small/medium firms. Not that the quality of life/work-life balance was better, just that the 90 hour weeks came with a paycheck that helps cover the astronomical loan payments.

             Sorry if I implied otherwise.

             1. Anon for this, just so you know, your picture is still showing up even though you changed your screen name. I just want you to know in case you try to post something sensitive in the future and stay anon.

             2. Thanks! I actually didn’t realize that, but I didn’t intend on it being an anonymous comment – I think I had commented last as anonymous, and it just held over. Oops! I wonder how to get my picture to stop showing up at all?

          2. @ELS – take your email address out of the email box and make sure you’re not logged into WordPress and your photo won’t show up.

    6. your mentor is out of touch with job market realities, and realities of practicing law. i think an mba is a far, far better choice for a host of reasons. i am a former lawyer. don’t have energy to get into the why’s, but i can’t tell you how many older people think a JD is a great idea, and haven’t a clue about the lack of jobs, or the nature of most of the jobs. they don’t listen, they assume you are the problem. it is supremely annoying. disregard his/her advice freely.

       1. OP here. I think you hit the nail on the head here. I agree her advice was slightly misguided, even though well-intentioned – she seemed to think that a JD would lead to more job stability than an MBA, which I also question. I just wanted to give it some consideration before dismissing it. Thanks all.

          1. I don’t think which one offers better stability is an open question at all. From my own experience and that I’ve observed. I know 10+ people who finished their MBAs last year in Seattle (husband’s soccer team) and they all had multiple offers, mostly over six figures. You read this blog, you know enough to know there are hordes and hordes of unemployed lawyers or lawyers afraid of losing their jobs every day. Law is a specialized area generally, and once you get a speciality, it is even more so- you aren’t even considered qualified for other kinds of LAW jobs for the most part. You may not know this. After 5 years in real estate/criminal law/M&A/insurance litigation/whatever, no one in those OTHER areas now sees you as desirable. So you get stuck and limited in your options. MBA is a totally general degree where you learn some practical things and lots about business networking/planning. You can get jobs at a bunch of kinds of companies. It’s just not even in the same ballpark. But I had no clue about any of this 14 years ago when I went to law school. Trust the masses- I should have listened to others and didn’t bother. It took 8 years to dig myself out of that hole, and I still have the debts.
             {to happy lawyers- not suggesting it isn’t possible to succeed/enjoy it- just on the numbers, it is far more likely that she would not have the opportunity to do so given job market + reality that most law jobs aren’t good for most people}

             I have encountered so many people my parents’ age who share your mentor’s views and it is exceedingly irritating as they haven’t a clue that what they present as fact is wrong. The field of law is utterly different than it was decades ago. Their peers are in a totally different situation. My father in law tried to convince our cousin to go, despite seeing first hand our struggles with unemployment and misery. Unbelievable. They will know one judge with a sweet gig or such, or the one guy who cashed out millions, and project that onto the whole field rather than read all the articles and listen to everyone who explains that it’s been a glut market for 10+ years and even if you get a job most of them are miserable/difficult for various reasons.

             1. hey sorry, just reread your response and saw that it said that you question her assumption, not that it IS an open question:) this topic gets me going, when i let it…

    7. By the way, I knew a couple of people in business school who were working on their JD/MBAs so you don’t have to do one or the other.

36. OP here. Thanks all for the reality check. My mentor has been trying to steer me towards a JD for various reasons, partly because she can help pave the way for me to return to our current firm in legal/compliance if I’m interested. So I’ve been trying to weigh the advice of a well-meaning mentor versus a) what I want to do and b) the realities of the job market and being a lawyer. But like you all say, I should not go to law school unless I really want to. (Incidentally I have the grades, but have not taken the LSAT scores.) And ultimately, my interests lie elsewhere.

    1. Respectfully, if she is willing to pay the $100k in your tuition, she can call the shots.

       The law school decision kind of destroyed my life.

       1. Hey, I just wanted to give you a virtual hug and say that I have a lot of empathy for your situation. I hope that you are able to reconfigure your life so that it feels good and yours and not-destroyed. Hang in there.

       2. Yeah, $200k here, luckily I’m employed decently, still in 5 figures but hoping to break into 6 next year…4 years out. Oh, and I started at $60k/year which barely made my rent and loan payment here in CA.

    2. Do you want to be a lawyer? Lawyer and businesswoman are fundamentally different careers. Will your company be paying your tuition? Are you guaranteed a position upon graduation?

       If the answer to any of those questions is no, don’t go to law school.

37. Wondering if anyone else has ever had this weird experience – and what they did about it.

    My natural hair color is very dark brown (some people say it’s black, but it’s not). I have a small but noticeable amount of silver/gray hair all over my head (as opposed to localized in one place). Over the past 2 years, I have colored my hair/had it colored a couple of times. For the first day it looks great, as if I traveled back to a pre-gray period in time. Then, on the second day, the gray re-appears … except it has turned GOLD! This has happened with different salons and brands of drugstore dye.

    Any thoughts about what could be causing this – and how to get it to stop? I would really like to cover, not Rumpelstiltskin-ize, these grays!

    Thanks in advance!

    1. I hear ya! I have the same problem. Unfortunately gray is so hard to cover. It sounds like your dye is washing out/lightening up right away, leaving a gold cast on the gray. You can experiment with different box brands to test longevity. Not sure if you’ve tried professional color with the same results. If it’s the “gold” color that is bothering you then try an ash tone next time- don’t buy anything with the words warm, golden, caramel, etc. Then hopefully the grays will lighten to a more neutral brownish color.

    2. I use L’Oreal Preference, which is designed to cover gray, and I’ve never had this problem. I also don’t shampoo for a few days after dyeing (I rarely shampoo anyway). Perhaps look for a dye that says it’s designed for gray hair?

       Having said that, my hair is much lighter than yours, so maybe it has to do with the dark brown. It sounds like highlights would be another option to cover gray, if the grays are turning gold anyway.

    3. Does your hairdresser use heat after applying the color? I understand this helps grays absorb color, but is not always used unless/until the hairdresser knows there is a problem with covering them.

38. I’m 31, and over the past few years, as more and more of my friends have met guys and gotten into long-term relationships or marriage, it’s been harder and harder to not think, “When is it my turn?” I date occasionally, but not much to amount to anything in a long time. I have a big circle of friends in my city, a job I love, and many interests and hobbies outside of work so life does feel fulfilling — I’m never bored and rarely lonely — but I do feel like I’m missing out on something relationship-wise, and over the last year or two, it’s really hit me that I need to take action or I might spend the rest of my life alone.

    The problem: I’m terrified. I have done online dating (and regular dating) on and off for the past few years, but I haven’t dated anyone seriously in ages, and I’m starting to wonder if I’ve forgotten how. I know this sounds ridiculous, but sometimes I feel like there’s this dating/relationship playbook out there that everyone but me has read. I’m so nervous that I’ll meet someone and he’ll think I’m a freak because I’ve only had a few, not-that-serious relationships in my early and mid-20s. The thought of opening myself up to a guy scares me — I worry about getting hurt. I’m used to being on my own and taking care of myself, and all I can think about is how I might meet someone who seems great only to have my world turned upside down when it doesn’t work out. This is probably a big part of the reason why I’ve been single for awhile. But it’s been so long since I was in a relationship that sometimes it’s hard to remember why it’s all worth it, which I’m sure is making it that much harder for me to put myself out there. I have to actually remind myself how great it will be when I meet the right person.

    Am I totally nuts, or can anyone relate? And if you can relate, any advice? I’m not even sure what I’m asking — just looking for a sympathetic ear, I guess.

    1. I was married at 24 to a man I met when I was 19. Divorced at 29. Did not date (as in, did not even go on a date) until I was 35. Dated one guy for 11 months. It blew up. I met my partner/fiance at 40 and have been blissfully partnered for 5 1/2 years now.

       You have not forgotten how to do anything. You have not yet met the right person. When you do, you will K-N-O-W.

    2. I am with you so so much… there’s a book called “in the meantime” that someone gave me when my last relationship ended and it was beyond helpful (there’s some religion in there, you can just skip those parts or replace “god” with “the universe” or “karma” or whatever your beliefs are), it’s truly a good book for anyone in this in between stage!

    3. My situation is similar but different. I’m 32 – almost 33 – and have actually never been on a date. Unless you count a group outing to the Sadie Hawkins dance when I was in 11th grade. (I do not).

       When I was in school, there were guys that I would have liked to go out with, but apparently the feeling was not mutual. Currently, it’s really hard for me to meet new people. I’m close with my family, but we don’t live close to each other. I have a very small circle of friends, all married, and all of their friends are married. I just started a new job where the majority of my co-workers are women. I haven’t been there long enough to feel comfortable asking to be set up. I don’t live in a big city, so it’s hard to get out to places where I might meet people on my own – plus I’m naturally introverted and the idea of going to bars or something makes me sweaty and nauseous. I tried eHarmony last year and, for me, it was a total failure. I think that I’m a decent “catch” – smart, funny, independent, not hideously ugly, etc.

       I’m really worried because I have a limited concept of how to act on dates and in a relationship, but I’m hopeful that if I am lucky enough to meet someone who wants to spend time with me it will come naturally and/or just being myself will be appropriate.

       I would love to have a boyfriend and to get married, but I wonder how these things will ever happen if I am so far outside the norm – I know I have missed out on many valuable experiences/types of relationships over the years and now at my age there is no way to make them up. I just hope and pray that I meet a great guy who is very understanding and doesn’t think I am a total freak.

       So, to the OP, no advice – just know that there are others out there who feel your pain. Best of luck to all of us!

       1. I was the same as u in my late 20s… No relationship history to speak of, but for a guy I’d dated when I was 22 and bored before law school. I decided I really wanted to get married and have kids and I was pretty aggressive about it… I read a bunch of books on how to flirt, as well as the e harmony book on what to look for in a partner… And joined like 6 online dating things and said “yes” to every invite that came my way. What I found was that once I turned that part of my brain on, I met guys everywhere…I gave a guy my number at a pizza shop once (we were both getting slices and started talking…). The other part of this was being pretty vigilant about not dating guys I didn’t want to marry. I broke up with some really nice guys who just weren’t marriage material but who I could have passed some very enjoyable time with. (the main guy I’m thinking of just wasn’t smart enough for me, if that doesn’t sound totally stuck up.). I met my husband after about a year of this, and funnily enough when I was trying to take a break from dating. Never would have considered him for marriage material (younger, very scruffy, with a really laid back approach to career) but thought, a date or two won’t kil me. If i hadn’t been on all the dates Id been on I don’t think I would have recognized how perfect we are for each other.

          So I guess what I’m saying is, for me it wAs a mix of “I can control my destiny!” aggressive dating and “your time has come” fate stuff. But the aggressive dating helped me realize I had a good thing, and gave me a better feeling of control during that time period.

    4. I haven’t had a boyfriend since I was in college, in 1999-2000. I’ve dated occasionally just like you, but I haven’t actually really liked a guy since 2004. Sometimes I think something is wrong with me, too, but I have no idea what to do about it so I just keep muddling along. On the upside, I have a lot more free time than my friends with husbands and kids do.

    5. OP here — thanks to all for the supportive comments. The older I get, the more I think there is no one prescribed relationship (or career, or family) path that people follow, even though the media and society at large can make it feel that way. I think that good people eventually find each other, but it’s just that when we’re older it can take much longer because there are limited ways/means to meet new people and more people are paired off. Plus, the longer you’re out of the dating vibe, the easier it is to stay out of it entirely. I’m just going to have to give myself an extra push and hope that it’s all worth it. Thanks again!

       1. I’m in my late twenties and have a similar situation to yours (and I’m suffering the same anxieties about it, too). Just wanted you to know that you’re not alone in feeling this way! Good luck!!

       2. Didn’t meet my hubby til I was 37. I seriously had some weird and negative ideas about relationships from my parents, particularly mother and was pretty unskilled in the basics of how to act. I recommend doing some relationship retraining if this might be you i.e. learning how to act in a relationship and what kinds of behavior are acceptable etc, either by reading some books on the subject, observing people in relationships you admire or even some therapy.
          Once you are up to speed a bit, then get out there and try. Choosing the right guys is important especially if you are inexperienced – being able to judge if someone is nice and decent to start with can be hard, if you haven’t dated much. Asking friends can be helpful. Then there is deciding if you actually find them attractive.
          It’s not a natural skill I don’t think, dating successfully, and it is something you can learn. Online dating can be good. You don’t have to explain why you haven’t had any serious relationships, just have some line you say in response to this question e.g. “I’ve had a few boyfriends but nothing too serious so far,”. Also, have a way of ending a date where they guy is interested in you but you don’t find him attractive e.g. “This feels more like a friend type thing,”.
          Basically, you can rehearse and role play (in your mind or with a friend) some dating scenarios and this will build up your confidence. Also, remember you a re picking them as much as they are picking you. What are *you* looking for?

       3. I know this will receive negative comments but I think it’s something important to be watchful for as well. You really have to be careful about the quality of guys out there. SO many of them are stuck in an extended adolescence and are just gross. I went on one date with a guy who seemed great, other than having my brother’s name, which was kind of weird, he was sweet, charming, funny, etc… The second date just worked better if I met him at his house, and his house was almost literally a hazmat area. There were no clean/clear flat surfaces, dirty laundry everywhere, crud attached to almost everything. It was disgusting. I had to wait outside because it smelled so bad and the date was cut quite short.

          Another guy seemed great for a few dates, but then confessed his p*rn addiction. He “couldn’t get it up” unless that was playing in the background. That was a deal breaker and I look back and thank god that I never got intimate with him.

          Finally, the guy with the weed addiction. An attorney, seemed great, we were friends and thinking about taking it to the next level then one day he showed up to a group hangout totally stoned. He, at 33, apparently had such chronic pain in his back (where he did not have some sort of pre-existing injury) that he was required to smoke week after work and on weekends.

          My sister also dated a guy briefly who, at 29, needed vi*gra for whatever reason. There was also the guy who had to recite the drill sergeant scene from Full Metal Jacket to stay interested in s*x. The list of losers goes on and on and on.

          So just, be careful out there, there aren’t many prizes. I’ve finally found the man of my dreams, but he’s quite a few years older than me. We get some funny looks but I don’t care, he is kind and courteous, sexy as hell still, opens doors, has manners, but is still “a man’s man.” In fact, time to go eat the pancake breakfast he made for me this morning!

          1. This is a very good point. I will offer my own experiences.

             1. Re being selective: When I was 31 and had been divorced for 1 year (had been with my former husband since I was 19, married at 24), my father told me, “The reason you are still single is that you are too picky. Both you and your sister [then never married at 28] are just too picky.”

             When I called my sister to discuss, she pointed out that it is not always a bad thing to be discriminating and that I should consider the source (a man on his third wife who never searches long enough between marriages to find a wife who lasts). True dat.

             2. Re porn: When I was 35, I dated for one year a man who was 27. He was super intelligent, really interesting, funny, handsome, everything you could want. However, he had not had any real-life sexual experience until he was in college, by which time he had spent years consuming online porn (he was born in 1973 and was a computer genius with early Internet access). He had extremely unrealistic expectations about what happens when you have s*x with a woman, all of which he had acquired from his porn years. I was the fifth woman with whom he had slept, and I suspect the first to tell him the truth. My honesty was rewarded with insistence that I was wrong “because every other woman has had orga*ms easily from straight intercou*se with no for*play, so there is just something wrong with you.” In the end, he proposed marriage under the “condition” that our s*x life be strictly intercou*se with no fo*play and no expectation that it would ever be satisfying to me. I declined because even though I loved him and was devasted not to be with him, something in my gut just felt that was wrong. Fast forward six years, and I now enjoy a full and rewarding experience with my (different) fiance.

             3. Check out the article in today’s Washington Post Magazine: “Single not by choice: What happens when you never find ‘the one’?” It is very interesting and presents a refreshingly not-depressing description of what so many of us experience.

             4. Good luck. Follow your gut.

             1. The Washington Post article:

                http://www.washingtonpost.com/lifestyle/magazine/some-people-never-find-the-love-of-their-lives-and-live-to-tell-about-it/2012/01/13/gIQAB0S43Q_story.html?hpid=z4

    6. I can relate, but sort of from the other side of the fence? My boyfriend was basically in the same boat as you when we first met. He was 34 and had never been in a relationship for more than a couple months, and had dated much in general. There’s nothing wrong with him, he’s wonderful, it just wasn’t a priority and he ended up with a life where he didn’t have an opportunity to meet many single women. A mutual friend set us up and we really hit it off. I guess we’re seriousish now, and are a couple weeks off from the 1-year mark. Dating him hasn’t been much different than dating anyone else, although I think he had a few slightly odd preconceived notions he got from overgeneralizing about previous relationships/media(?). So I guess just don’t get too caught up on the way relationships are “supposed” to work?

       I used to find first and second dates really awkward because I just can’t flirt and I think I come off as slightly formal when I’m trying to put on my best face. More recently, I’ve decided to just treat it like meeting up with a friend you’re getting to know and hope to know more. I don’t overshare, but I chat and make jokes and don’t worry about coming off as “weird”. If you’re clicking, they’ll find it charming and if you’re not clicking, who cares if it puts them off because it wasn’t working anyway.

    7. I totally get this. Slightly different angle – I have had relationships, but the last one was a car crash and ended almost three years ago Since then I have literally not dated anyone. I went on one date with a guy I had hooked up with previously but wasn’t really interested, and I tried online dating and went on four dates which felt more like job interviews.

       I am not desperate to meet someone, but bizarrely just today the other shoe kinda dropped and I realised that the main issue I have with being single is the lack of a ‘default’ someone to hang out with. At college and when all my girls were single, there was always people you made regular plans with. Now that everyone is married off and lives in different parts of the city, I am lucky if I see any of my friends more than once every couple of months.

       Right now I’d love to just date people casually, but I never meet anyone (partly because my friendships have changed and my friends don’t want to do the kinds of things which are conducive to meeting people and it’s hard to do on your own) but I also kinda feel like I can’t be bothered to try THAT hard – I could do the online dating thing but it feels too much like hard work and kinda unnatural.

    8. I was divorced about a year and a half ago, and I can really relate. Two of my good friends are pregnant right now and a third just told me on Friday that she’s expecting as well. I’m incredibly happy for them, but that happiness is tinged with sadness and fear that I wasted my shot at happiness and motherhood on a jerk. I am incredibly self-sufficient and sometimes I’m terrified that I don’t know how to be with someone anymore, and that my self-contained life is pushing people away.

    9. I know where you’re coming from. I’m in my mid-30s now and haven’t dated much since my 20s. My main issue now is that I really want to get out of my current city and really don’t feel compelled to make an effort to date. I also don’t want to get married/have kids, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want a long-term relationship of some sort. I am looking for a new job and hope that when I move to a new city, I can put some more effort into meeting someone.

    10. I can relate. It’s a challenge in your 30s, and people who met at earlier life stages, like college, grad school, or the time in people’s lives when they go out a lot with friends have different experiences.

        Age 32, rarely date due to depression that will finally get medical treatment soon. Also, location plays a huge role. I moved from a coastal city to a midwestern city that is not Chicago. It felt like I aged 5 years! Most folks here my age are married or divorced. And I want to move as soon as possible, so I feel like my serious relationship prospects are on hold because straight women are more likely to move for their mate than the reverse.

        It seems like you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself. Perhaps a wide net, low-expectation approach could help. The reality is that part of the equation is you, and part is luck.

39. This might be a weird question, but is there anyone out there who works in Big Law and genuinely enjoys it? All I ever hear are horror stories, but is it really that bad for everyone? I’ll be a first-year at a big firm in a major city next year, and although I know the hours are really bad, I feel like I have a personality/skill-set that is actually relatively well-suited for Big Law. Totally naive?

    1. I loved every minute of it. While I was single and not dating anyone and OK with that. Once I realized that I wanted a true partnership with an SO, which takes time and attention and care and feeding, it no longer fit my needs.

       1. Let me echo those sentiments. I worked in a Big Law firm, including 10 years as a partner. It was great when I was single. But after I married and had a child, it was horrendous. I was literally told that I could not be a working mother and a firm partner. That was many years ago. I left and am now at a regional mid size firm and so much happier. I am happy to have had the experience I received at a Big Law firm but am also very happy not to still be there. It was not for me.

    2. Current mid-level (married, no kids, FWIW); currently happy. Happy because of the great experience/client contact and genuinely enjoyable partners/colleagues/mentors – but to some extent that is pure luck so, as they say, YMM significantly V on that point. And let’s not forget the pay.

       What personality makes you think you’ll be suited? If it’s thriving under pressure, know that it’s not always a few days/weeks at a time, such as LS finals or finalizing a journal article – deals/cases can come back to back to back with little time to unwind in between. On the flip side, being a junior can also come with a TON of waiting around for people to give you feedback on your work / revisions to work on – will you be frustrated being obligated to be available / “facetime” even when you’re not busy, until you build up your reputation in the firm?

    3. I know a lot of BigLaw lawyers who like their jobs, but frankly, every single one of them is a man. The other things they have in common is that they practice in the area they wanted to practice in and their colleagues are generally friendly. Also, none of them live in NYC.

       1. I really love my biglaw job, and I think practicing in an area in which I want to practice and with a friendly group is really important. My firm doesn’t have a NY office, which seems to make a difference in the character of the firm (I’ve noticed this is a general distinction between NY-based and non-NY-based firms).

          I’m married and a new-ish corporate associate.

    4. Not naive — just hopeful and optimistic. I think you should jump into a BigLaw job assuming that you will work hard and that it will be a good experience for you. You should believe in yourself and your skills, while still taking criticism well. Most importantly, you should immerse yourself. Say yes to every assignment. Jump in. You will rapidly hit a point where you have a dog/SO/child/aging parents/health crisis/whatever, and you can’t just jump in anymore. Once you hit that point, then either you will have built up enough credibility to scale back, OR you will have earned the right experience to move to a different, better job.

       Good luck. I hope you’re one of the lucky few for whom biglaw is your dream job!

40. Two good shopping-related things happened today: I collected my first pair of Manolo Blahniks (!!) from the post office this morning (new via ebay for a great price and free shipping, yay) AND I just found out J. Crew is now shipping to Europe, including my country (which will probably be the death of my credit card).
    Had to share with someone who would understand my excitement :)

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