Splurge Monday’s TPS Report: Colorblock Blazer

261 Comments

1. That is really cute. I would stick with white under it, but that’s just me.

   Threadjack, right off the bat: I do everything right with skin care – sunscreen every single day, retinol, eye cream, this cream my derm gave me, etc. – except (and this is a big except) I skip washing my face at night fairly regularly. What a lazy bum! I have recently bought those Neutrogena wipes, so at least I always remove my makeup, but still. I need someone to convince me of how bad this is! Please, tell me I’m bad. I will then try to replay your comments in my head as I’m feeling lazy.

   1. I did not know that I was supposed to wash my face after using the make-up removing face wipes! I guess we are lazy bums together.

      1. Do you put on face lotion after using the wipes?

         1. I do this too (skip washing because I’m a lazy bones and just want to jump right into bed), but I always try to remind myself how much nicer my skin feels in the morning when I wash it at night. Washing it takes two minutes, tops and its so nice to get into bed with a freshly scrubbed and mousturized face.

            As a scare tactic, I read once about how the evening wash is far more important than the morning wash because of all the elements that your face is exposed to during the day. Its not just make-up; its polluted air and dirt from the air and your hands, grease, etc.

            1. I’m glad to hear this because I am lazy too – but unlike b23, I am lazy in the morning. I almost never wash my face in the AM, partly because I am incredibly lazy and want to stay in bed as late as humanly possible, and partly because I always felt like it was not strictly neccessary after I washed and moisturized at night before bed…I’ve been meaning to ask people what they think about this issue! (ie, the whys and wherefores of washing both at night and in the am) . I’ve also been meaning to change up my routine so I wash my face as soon as I get home instead of right before bed, but unfortunately it’s usually about the same time anyway. : (

            2. This is in reply to JAS1 below, but no reply button below so … the women from whom I order my face products believes the less you wash your face the better. Of course, remove makeup at night. But I never wash my face in the morning. Just apply my face lotion and then makeup.

         2. Not usually because the wipes leave a weird film. I guess that should have been evidence that I need to wash my face after using the wipes.

            I also never thought about all this stuff from the day getting caught in my pores. Gross.

      2. This is to expensive for me. I do like it ALOT tho. I hope I can get a DATE for tomorow’s big dinner the firm is hosteing at a nice hotel in MIDTOWN.

         The manageing partner told me he has a “friend” he wants me to meet, but I think he is BALD, so I am NOT goieng to be Interested in HIM. FOOEY!

         I want a man with HAIR, not to much but on his HEAD.

      3. Hmm. Same. I thought that those make-up remover wipes counted as “washing”. Apparently I am also in the “lazy bum” category.

   2. Per your request … this is like taking great care of your hair except for the fact that you don’t wash it. Think of everything your skin is exposed to during the day .. not only the theoretically beneficial creams, etc. you are applying, but also stuff in the air, sweat, bacteria from your hands or your scarf or your hair or your shirt collar, people’s lips when they kiss you on the cheek (or press their cheek against yours); rain, humidity, smog, pollution, car exhaust, cooking fumes from dinner .. whatever. It all collects in your pores. And then, it sits there overnight. Yuck. Wash your face.

      1. have heard though that overwashing removes too many essential oils…so there’s a balance.

   3. Someone told me long ago that NOT washing off your makeup ages your skin by 14 days. True or not it scared me into doing it!

      1. This would scare me into washing my face every night!

      2. But that means that I’d look at least 70 years old (5 years of not washing my face at 14 days older per day of not washing). I’m 35.

   4. I think the makeup wipes don’t really remove all the gunk on your face, so you should wash your face. Isn’t it nice to wake up with nice, clean skin in the morning?

      For what it’s worth, I stopped washing my face in the AM after a facialist told me it wasn’t necessary. It made my skin less dry and seemed to help with my acne. But I’m still pretty religious about washing my face at night because I think it feels better. I don’t know, though -if you’re happy with the condition of your skin, then maybe you don’t need to change your routine.

      Anyway, that was probably unhelpful, but there’s my 2 cents. :)

      1. I don’t wash my face in the morning either. My aesthetician also told me it wasn’t necessary so I just let water run over my face in the shower.

         As for washing at night, I used to never do it either but I just try to remind myself how much better I will feel if I do, and that the more I don’t want to do it, the better I will feel after I do.

         That said, sometimes I still laze out and I just try not to let one night turn into two.

      2. I don’t wash my face in the morning either. It dries my skin out too much even with moisturizer and then it fights back and gets extra oily.

         1. On my derm’s advice, I only “wash” my face with lotion, then I tissue it off and apply more lotion.

      3. I Have this problem too, especially b/c my bed is pretty darn comfy and I often fall asleep while watching TV and then don’t want to get up to toss water on my face and wake me up further, so I’ve started washing my face/brushing my teeth before I settle into evening TV shows. Added benefit is I’ve already brushed my teeth so it cuts down on any potential late night snacking! :)

   5. Pick up your cell phone and look at all the schmear on there – makeup, oil, bacteria from your hands (of varied and dubious origin – bathrooms, restaurants, dog dishes, diapers, kids), and hair product residue. That’s what’s on your face. Wash it at night! I tried being lazy with those makeup wipes, but I found my chin still broke out. Now that I’ve committed to washing my face fully at night (with my Olay spinny brush – LOVE), I have almost no new zits. (We can talk about my scarring from my old zits another day.)

      I read somewhere that if you wash your face well at night, you don’t need to wash it in the morning- just rinse with warm water to open your pores and prepare your skin for your moisturizers / SPF /etc. This works for me.

   6. Curious, don’t you brush your teeth before bed every night? It doesn’t seem like washing your face would be hard to incorporate into that routine as a healthy habit. Splurge on a nice-smelling cleanser and it’ll be even more incentive to get your money’s worth ;)

   7. I have the same issue with this and flossing at night. I recently read something that went like this: “what humans think makes them happy, makes them miserable, and what they think makes them miserable makes them happy, but they don’t know it so they persist in making themselves miserable.”

      It’s a weird thought to apply to skin care and dental hygiene, but the truth is when I’m about to go to bed the very last thing I want to do is floss and wash my face, because I think it will make me happy to just jump right in the bed. Instead, I get in bed and feel gross and annoyed with myself for not having done what I “should have” done, and feel worse the next morning when I still don’t end up flossing. HOWEVER, when I spend the 5 minutes on my night routine before bed, I get in bed feeling so great, far greater than I would have to have the extra 5 minutes sleep.

      So my policy has been to drag myself to do those things I really don’t want to do, because in the end it makes me feel so much better, and weirdly, in the end I feel so much better. Try it!

   8. Splurge on an expensive “night” cream that’s a bit too thick to wear comfortably during the day and you’ll never skip washing your face at night ;) Ok, so that may not have been the most insightful tip, but I had this same horrible habit and splurging on a good cream as a small luxury made me look forward to face-washing at night. Plus I did see an improvement in my skin the next morning (I’m sure just from washing it, not the cream), although my habit also included not taking my makeup off at night, which is infinitely worse!

   9. Make it A part of your teeth regime, morning and night. Nothing beats the freshness of cold water and face wash on your skin!

   10. Oh, good skin people, I am so jealous of you. So jealous.

2. I hate it. Sorry!

   1. I appreciate that you are so polite in expressing your opinion. :-) And for the record, I sort of agree. I like cobalt, but this is a tad 80s for my blood.

   2. I like the cut, but not the color. And though I love purple, I would never wear purple with this jacket.

      1. I love the color, but hate the cut! Imagine my b**bs popping out of the extra large opening. Also, the colorblocking on this one seems extra-80s to me.

         1. it’s like what Duckie wore in Pretty in Pink…

            1. THANK YOU. I could figure out why it screamed 80s to me, but its because its Duckie’s jacket. I feel so much better now.

            2. I was going to say this could work over a camel sheath dress, but now I can’t unsee Duckie.

            3. CANNOT UNSEE.

            4. To unsee you have to poke out your mind’s eye…

3. Hahaha. Kat must really like this color, and I really really don’t. :)

   Threadjack – question for all of you who work as contract or temp attorneys. I am contemplating quitting my job when #3 arrives, but proposing to my firm that they keep me on as a contract attorney (so that they don’t have to hire someone to replace me – I am at 80% time but I never make hours, so they don’t really need me for that many hours). If I propose a contract arrangement, what kind of per-hour rate should I ask for? Right now my billing rate is $300.

   1. Standard is that you take home 1/3 of your billing, plus benefits. (At least it was when I left private practice 7 years ago.)

      1. I always thought that 1/3 was standard, but I am now in a “contract” position where I receive slightly more than 1/5 of my billable rate. My boss justifies it on the grounds that he also pays me for time which is not billable to the clients (“office time” such as staff meetings) , and also that he has to discount my time due to inexperience. However, I see the reports every month on the time he actually bills out based on my time and it’s about 4x what I get paid. I’ve compared it to the time records I keep and I don’t see that he is discounting my time at all (eg, if it took me 2 hours to draft a motion, he bills the client for 2 hours, even though he bawled me out for taking too long and told me he wouldn’t be able to charge for all of the time I spent). I suspect I am being taken advantage of on many levels, but for now it’s this job or no job…. does anyone have any thoughts on my situtation?

         I am a 2011 grad working in a small rural town, FWIW.

      2. really? Well, apparently I’m not getting paid enough. I had a sneaking suspicion that was true.

   2. Probably somewhere between $100-150 an hour. Basically, divide your current salary by billable requirements, and negotiate from there.
      That said, temp/contract firms would charge a lot more and pay you less (like a 70/30 or 60/40 split), but then the issues of benefits and malpractice insurance come up.

      If I were you, I would NOT go the contract route, because without guaranteed hours, you may not get any. I’d do a part time/pro rata salary scheme, with guaranteed hours and pay. Benefits would have to be negotiable. If you’re at 80% now, try for 50-60%.

      1. Well, if I wouldn’t get any hours, that would mean that they’re hiring someone else (I am the only associate in my group). The problem with 50 or 60% is that I would still need our nanny and wouldn’t be able to take my one big client with me, and the compensation wouldn’t be enough. If I have my own ‘firm’ and take my big client, I would be able to make 50% of my current salary *and* not have a nanny.

         1. How would you not need a nanny? How old are your kids?

            1. My big client doesn’t require that much work, but is very price insensitive. I would charge her less than she’s been paying the firm for me, but on a flat-fee basis, and could get the work for her done during naptimes and after kids go to bed. (Kids will be 4.5, 2, 0)

            2. Reply to Diana below (reply not working before):

               I would seriously reconsider the ‘no nanny’ idea — I tried, and failed, at the same thing. To work at home successfully, you need to set office hours (during regular business hours) so the client can reach you and you can be on conference calls. Also, as babies/toddlers get bigger, they drop their naps, which leaves no uninterrupted time to work. Naps also get interrupted (hello, screaming during a conference call). Third, working at night, especially with young children, is exhausting.

               FWIW, my kids are 5 and 2, and I’ve been doing the ‘PT at home gig’ for 3 years. There is only so much “shhhh” or “watch a video” you can do — to successfully work at home, someone else needs to take care of the kids. Trying to do be both a SAHM and a WAHM at the same time does NOT work.

               I don’t mean to be negative, I just want to help you and others who may be considering this option. Good luck with whatever you choose to do.

            3. Thanks. Believe me, I have looked very closely at how I work with my big client. We don’t talk on the phone, but do everything by email, and it is not time-sensitive (I do her estate planning, tax, investment planning etc.). If needed, I would get a babysitter to cover ‘work hours’ once a week.

   3. Have you tried to figure out what your billing rate breaks down to hourly on your current pay? That would be a good place to start, and take into consideration anything else that might change (i.e., that you wouldn’t get benefits anymore, or that you would not have an office anymore, or whatever – at least, this cost savings should be a selling point).

      I’ve worked as a strict independent contractor (no office or bennies at all) at a range between 60-80% of my billing (depended on how many hours I worked that month), and now I’m more of an employee, with an office and benefits and an assistant, but I still have a pay schedule where I get 40% of my billing (50% if I bring in the client) (I also have a base salary with that, but the idea is that that base would cover time that I spend assisting with non-hourly cases, marketing, etc.). So, those might be good guiding points.

      I hope it works out for you; good luck!

   4. Well — contract atty rates are really low right now (we get them in Chicago for as low as $29 bucks an hour, and as high as maybe $40 — the most we charge clients is $100 — which includes overhead and all that other good stuff). You might want to consider seeing if they will do a staff atty type thing for you (we, for example bill out staff atty rates much higher than contract attys — like $250- $300, which is lower than a 1st year, but many of these folks are really good, they just want a different schedule or are not on a partner track) — you take a lower salary than you are currently making, but with lower hours expectations and more flexibility.

      In other news — I’m starting my first real trial tomorrow. I’ve done lots of trial as a supporting associate, but now i have lots of witnesses and motions! Im excited and scared all at the same time!

4. Can anyone recommend a good podiatrist in NYC?

   1. Dr. Bruce Lashley! He’s great. Doesn’t pressure you into anything (lots are very pushy about orthotics, etc). He operated on both of my feet and I’ve had a lot of interaction with him. Very good doctor.

   2. Dr. Howard Zaiff, 133 E 54th, 212-759-9090.

5. Reposting in the hope of getting a few more responses (thanks to the person who responded earlier!).

   Looking for a caring and competent ob/gyn in Boston to deliver our first baby. Needs to be affiliated with MGH, due to my insurance. Looking for someone very friendly, warm, and knowledgeable. Thanks!

   1. If you don’t get a good rec today, I can follow up soon, I think my friend delivered at Mass Gen and had a good experience. My doc is affiliated with the BI though.

      1. Thank you! That would be great.

   2. Hey! Don’t know if you’ll check back tonight (and I’ll post it tomorrow morning) but her doc was Laura Riley. But she WAS a high risk pregnancy so I’m not sure if that doc works with “normal” pregnancies. But she did love her.

6. My supervisor sent me this email:

   “I strongly recommend that you stop sending email messages at 1 and 2 in the morning. No one else is up to answer them and even if we were we couldn’t do anything about them at that hour. I think you and I need to talk tomorrow more about this.”

   I am in house at a public university; she is the head of the legal department.

   I have tried in the past to explain the beauty of email as a medium: the sender can send when it is convenient for her, and the reader can read when it is convenient for him. She doesn’t get it, and I am concerned that if I press that issue again today, she will insist that I lack judgment because I am not listening to her.

   Any words of advice?

   1. Can you type the email out at a time that’s convenient for you, and have Outlook send it at a time that your supervisor would like? I think there’s a feature for that.

      1. This. If you use Outlook, there is a delayed send feature. When you are in the message, go to the “options” tab and click Delay Delivery. You can choose the date and time the message is sent. So you can write those 1 or 2 AM messages but have them go out at 7 or 8 AM. Win-win for all!!

         1. Holy crap – I didn’t know that feature existed on Outlook. Good to know! (not that I’m working/sending emails at weird hours, but good in case I ever have to)

   2. Install Boomerang!!! This is exactly what it’s for. You write whenever it’s convenient for you, then command it not to actually deliver until a later, specified time, e.g. 8 am the next day. I use this constantly to avoid this kind of reaction, but also to maintain reasonable expectations as to when I am available. This means: yes, I read and cared about your email at 2 am, but you don’t need to know that. It looks like I got back to you the next day at opening of business.

   3. You can write the e-mail whenever you want and then set your Outlook to send it at a future specified time (such as 8 AM).

      Problem solved.

      Or go to bed! But if she does talk to you about it today, just try to stay calm and explain that sometimes you just have bursts of energy in the middle of the night and that if you don’t address the thing that is nagging at you then, you can’t go back to sleep (or whatever is the ting that inspires you to e-mail at 2 in the morning). But seriously, use the future send feature on your Outlook if it bothers her that much.

      1. Also, you should get a job in Big Law. :-) They would have NO problem with this sort of thing. :-P

         1. I was thinking that the OP would make a fantastic BigLaw partner, too.

            1. The only reason I KNOW about this whole “app that can send your e-mails at another time” thing was that I was in a group of Big Law associates once who were seriously having a conversation about how they wanted to use it so they could send their e-mails LATER at night so the partners would think they were working really late.

            2. Same. The other associate in my group insisted to the partners that she was always first in, last out. She often got in earlier, but NEVER left after I did. The partners left first every day, but believed her. I finally realized she was staggering a bunch of emails to be sent between 6pm and midnight.

            3. I’ve heard of associates using apps to send emails later too, but frankly I’d be afraid of being busted somehow, like someone responded to my “1 am” within 30 seconds and I didn’t reply because I’d long since gone to bed. The best lies are the ones that can never be caught, so risking one’s credibility for being a hard worker just to send emails later seems not worth it to me.

            4. Come now SF Bay Associate, I’d think your biggest fear would be being CRAZY. :-P Seriously, I think its over the top to send them later just to seem diligent, but that’s just me.

            5. This particular associate “risked her credibility” on a daily basis by telling a series of untruths on topics ranging from personal to professional. In the scheme of things, this was innocuous.

         2. Totally agree. When I was working in BigLaw the 90s before everyone carried a cell phone with them everywhere, associates would call the office and have themselves paged at 11pm, etc. so that anyone who was in the building would be impressed that the person being paged was still there. :-)

            1. LOL, this reminds me of my early years at a big law firm, I would come in on Saturdays and walk around the office carrying a cup of coffee for 15 minutes, making sure anyone there saw me, then leave, but of course leave my office light on. And always carry a big briefcase home, even if it was empty.

   4. I agree with your logic, but think that it’s good policy to adjust to your boss rather than expect her to adjust to you. To be honest, I would just download an attachment to your email program that will let you schedule those emails to send in the morning. (If you use Thunderbird, it’s called “sendlater”.)

   5. That sounds like crazy talk from your boss. But if it’s your boss, ultimately, I think you have to comply. Can you send the email at 1am but use the feature in outlook that is a delayed send? That might be the best compromise.

   6. You’re probably not going to win here, and even though it’s frustrating, I would forget about trying to make her understand this seemingly simple concept and just promise to stop sending her emails at night. Send them to yourself, and then you can forward the whole bunch on to her in the mornings.

      …She sounds like a bit of a crap boss. My sympathies.

      1. I actually think she sounds reasonable. Post midnight emails either mean unmanageable workload, and her concern may be balancing workload, too many other things pulling the worker in other directions, or not working during the day and working at night (might be fine or a problem depending on environment). Plus, most people don’t do their best work after midnight, and perhaps the emails illustrat that this isn’t the best work product.

         There’s also the perception issue – not all clients are impressed by long hours, internal or external, and clients may think that late time stamps shows that their matter is a low priority or there is panic going on.

         1. People work at all different hours and some people are nocturnal.

            This boss sounds like a micromanagey, difficult boss, but she is the OP’s boss, so the OP will probably need to go make vaguely acquiescing sounds at the discussion and use software to control when the emails actually hit the recipients’ inboxes.

   7. I sympathize with your boss – in the World According to Cat, no one could send non-urgent emails outside reasonable business hours. (Write them whenever you like, but save them as drafts and send later.) I use my inbox as a to-do list, and so waking up to several non-urgent items makes me feel “behind” even before I get in the shower. I realize that’s a personal preference, but when it’s your boss’s personal preference, I think you have to work with it.

      1. I sort of agree. Not enough that I would ever create a problem over it, but I used to work with a guy who constantly sent 3 AM emails (he just was more of a night owl – God forbid you try to get him on the phone before noon), and it always left me feeling vaguely unsettled. Though, even if I were the boss, I don’t think I’d complain about it.

      2. My boss gets up at 4 or 5 and starts working. Even though I know he doesn’t expect me to respond until later in the morning, it still means I wake up in the morning with a sick feeling in my stomach knowing that there’s going to be something in my inbox first thing.

      3. Totally agree. I irritates me to no end when people send non-urgent emails outside of business hours. Before emails popped up on our phones, etc. it was one thing, but now emails are very intrusive in our lives.
         Sorry, OP, I agree with your boss. If shefeels as strongly about this as I do (and I suspect she does) you will not win this argument.

         1. Urgent emails should be marked urgent. If you suspect someone is crying wolf, tune them out.

            Set your boundaries and not check email after certain hours.

            And when you do check email, you should be able to tell from the message that it’s urgent or not. If one isn’t able to do that, then there’s some reading comprehension problem, no?

            1. Or there’s a subordinate’s perception comprehension problem. Listen, I work around the clock, and I understand that some people do better from 4 pm to midnight. But the majority of the North American working world believes business hours are somewhere between 8 am and 6 pm. And while I don’t care if a junior person wants to work 4 pm to midnight, or midnight to 8 am assuming the work product is good, I will be royally peeved if they illustrate those working hours to clients, or quite frankly to people above me that don’t like the late night emails.

         2. I always turn off the “Push” feature on my iphone on weekends. I don’t get my email unless I manually update it. People want me on the weekend, they will have to call.

            1. @N

               What exactly would peeve you?

            2. Having to explain to a 50 year old client representative why something fairly routine, not emergency, was being done at 3 am (really happened) because a junior associate sent an email asking for documents/information at that time. Also having to explain to a partner cc’ed on an email why I advocated to staff the case with a junior associate whose workload was clearly so heavy (it really wasn’t, the person was a not-really-awake-until-noon type) that they could not take the partner’s client seriously.

      4. Also agree. Maybe I don’t understand my phone settings well enough, but I keep my ringer on at night in case of an emergency phone call and so that I hear my alarm. I don’t want to have to go into Settings and shut off sounds for just e-mails every. single. night. So it’s a little annoying to have my phone going off through all hours of the night (though mine are mostly the auto-generated type, so I only have myself to blame for getting on the mailing lists)

   8. Listen to your boss. Even if you don’t expect her to read the emails when you send them, the buzzing or beeping of her blackberry at that hour could be disturbing her.

   9. Your boss sounds crazy, like she thinks you’re sitting around expecting your middle-of-the-night emails to be answered right away. I’d be soooo tempted to be passive-aggressive and tell her you’ll continue to work at night because that works for you, but you’ll schedule email delivery for whatever time is more palatable to her. Ask her if she would like all of your middle-of-the-night thoughts delivered at promptly 8am, or would 8:03, or 9:21 be better? Perhaps you could stagger them in 15 minute intervals if there are multiples, or maybe 23.1 minute intervals if she prefers.

      Honestly, who cares when someone sends an email? Who even looks at the time an email was sent?

      1. When possible I send job application emails at e.g. 6-8 a.m. instead of 1-2 a.m. so future employers will think I am a productive citizen who wakes up early to get things done.

         Any little edge. :)

         1. I like to send job applications at 2 in the morning while watching infomercials and eating ice cream directly out of the quart. I think desperation can be smelled through the internet and that will give ME the edge. So there.

            ;-)

            1. Love it.
               Anything sent past around 11 p.m. would not make any sense, coming from me.

            2. Well, the KEY is to write the e-mail earlier in the day and then SEND it at 2 in the morning, just so the stench of desperation really pervades.

               (and just to be clear, I’m joking.) I apply to jobs in the middle of the afternoon when I’m not procrastinating on Corporette.

            3. And that’s good for the person who gets an email from you just when they are hitting their mid-afternoon slump, and need something new (eg your application) to look at. I’ve analyzed pretty much all time slots, and come up with a pro/con list for each. Unemployment is SO fun.

            4. Speaking as an employer who is currently going through applications to document when they were received, etc., etc., I can tell you for certain that I have not looked at the time on a single one of them. It would never have even occurred to me! I smell nothing other than my cheese sandwich.

               That said, I’d love to read job applications while watching infomercials and eating ice cream straight out of the carton.

   10. Follow her rules and use the technology to do it.

       This is about tone. You say it shouldn’t matter when you send an email, but it does. People notice the time stamp. Sending things in the middle of the night can color both the perception of your message (this is so urgent I’m losing sleep), and/or of you (I want people to know how much/late I work). In a firm, it’s generally not an issue, but it clearly is for your current employer.

       Given how easy it is to schedule email to go out during normal business hours, there is no reason not to do it. (As you mentioned, it’s the beauty of the medium. :) )

       1. People do notice the time stamp and they comment on it – “Did you see that X sent her email at 1.30a.m.?” It is just so outside the norm that it freaks people out a bit. Use the delayed send feature.

   11. Your boss needs to learn how to leave her iPhone/Blackberry/Droid outside the bedroom or turn it on silent when she crashes out at night. Jeeeeeesh. This is not your problem. That said. Bosses are fickle creatures. So. To keep your job and to keep The Boss happy, stop sending emails after about 8pm if they include her as a recipient.

       I am a very early morning riser. I often get to the office by 4:30/5am (please, spare me the workaholic commentary people, lol). I write about 30 emails and dump them all into Drafts. Then, about 8am, I send them all in a heap. That way, I have done all the emailing that I want to get done when I want to get it done, but I haven’t freaked anyone out at an unreasonable hour of the morning. Yes, you can program Outlook or Boomerang to do this for you, but I find a degree of comfort in making sure that I am the one actually sending the email at a certain time. It also gives me a chance to proof certain emails one more time.

       The bottom line is that every boss is different. I have some partners that are up late and my iPhone beeps at 10:30 pm as they do a final email dump of the day. Other partners start beeping in at 6 am as they are getting up with their kids. Just depends. You have to then figure out what works for you: do you need to respond to the 10:30 pm emails at 10:30? Or the 6 am emails at 6 am? You have to try different things to see what works best. Also, if you have a SO or kids, you may consider turning YOUR phone on silent after a certain time & then not turning it on again until a certain time.

       I will say this: I am not a big fan of the “it is 2am, what do you want me to do about it?” theory. Why? Because if you take that theory to it’s fullest, there’s really no point to ever emailing outside business hours. However, that’s obviously a flawed theory. Lots can be strategized or discussed so that the next day you can hit the ground running.

   12. This is fabulous advice about scheduling emails to be sent later. I am embarrassed that I didn’t think of it myself, but that is what posting here is all about.

       When I use my computer, I use Outlook. So that will be simple.

       But I cant figure out how to schedule emails for later delivery in the iPhone or iPad email programs. I have found a couple apps that will either: (1) remind you to send it yourself later, or (2) send it to a remote server when you hit send and then deliver it (with the app company’s tag line) at a predetermined time. Both of these require you to draft the email in the app (so no replying or forwarding), which does not seem convenient, especially at 2 am.

       Is there a way to schedule email delivery in the iPhone/iPad native email program?

       Many thanks for all the help!

       1. OP here, answering my own question.

          The only app I have found that allows you to draft emails within the iPhone/iPad native email program and schedule later delivery is http://www.lettermelater.com. I have tested it all afternoon, and it seems to work well.

   13. I have an insomniac supervisor who likes to send e-mails at crazy hours of the morning- instead of sleeping, and a close friend who tends to be a very late night owl. Their 1 or 2 am e-mails are frequently incoherent or off focus. You may want to ask yourself if checking and responding to e-mails at these times are beneficial to your well being and your career.
       Failing that- I second the outlook suggestion.

   14. My initial thought is that if this has come up before, why have you continued to do it? I understand that email can be read whenever, but it’s bothering your boss (and perhaps coworkers?) so it seems easiest to just stop doing it.

       I don’t know about in-house law, but I’ve worked for several academic institutions, including public universities, and the general philosophy was “no one should work extra so that no one *has* to work extra.” The 40-ish work week was carefully guarded by making sure no pesky over-workers would make everyone else look bad or feel guilty ;) I’m not arguing right or wrong, but suggesting this could be the issue. It may be greater than your boss’ quirk – she may be trying to communicate a work style discordance that you should be paying attention to. Every workplace comes with it’s mode of working that need to be adapted to be successful there.

       If so, my suggestion would be to tell her that when you have a late night thought, you want to get it down before you forget. However, it sounds like you’ve done that, so I think you should just stop doing it regularly.

   15. I’m in shock that anyone would care when you sent an email. It’s not like you’re demanding an immediate response. What difference does it make? This lady sounds like a control freak.

       1. how annoying to have to use these tweaks or worry about this. my work is global and it would be ridiculous to raise this as an issue- emails never stop. you aren’t expected to respond to it when sleeping in your time zone, duh. while i sometimes moan about late night calls with japan, early am with eu, etc., this makes me appreciate it- less petty concern about things like this.

7. NOLA, you posted this weekend about shopping in Fort Worth. As a Dallas-ite, I have no experience shopping in FW. But, if you guys are going to come into Dallas, I would suggest:

   1. North Park–mix of really high end and lower end (Gap, Forever 21) stores.
   2. Shops at Park Lane–right across the highway from North Park. Includes Nordstom Rack, Off 5th, Reuse Jeans (just opened to great reviews), Bloomies outlet (I think this is now open), Charming Charlies (for cheap jewlery) and others. Also there is an Aveda school here where I’ve gotten some fabulous spa treatments at cheap prices.
   3. If you’re into grocery stores, Whole Foods Market is at the Shops at Park Lane; Central Market is just down the street (you’d have to drive to CM).
   4. Highland Park Village–if you like really high end shopping or you like to people watch.
   5. West Village–good shopping and good people watching.

   All of this is in about a 5 mile radius–but it’s a hike from Fort Worth.

   If you’re into Mexican food, people swear that Joe T. Garcia’s in Fort Worth is amazing (people from Dallas drive over just to eat there–I don’t do Mexican food so no reviews from me).

   Fort Worth also has some great museums if you enjoy that kind of activity. Have a great trip!

   –SunnyD

   1. Thanks so much! Glad I checked in. I will pass all of this on to my friend. We were planning on going to Dallas, mainly because we have the time and just want to visit and we love to shop. Good to know where the Whole Foods is (near a mall) because that’s our favorite place to have lunch when we are power shopping. I know that one night we will be going to the restaurant where her niece’s husband is the executive chef but I can’t for the life of me remember what the restaurant is.

8. Bachelorette-related threadjack. Part of the itinerary for my friend’s bachelorette party involves dinner at a restaurant whose menu is almost exclusively giant hunks of meat. I’m a vegetarian, and while there is one thing on the menu that I might be able to eat, I really don’t want to spend dinner getting queasy at the smell of meat all around me (nor do I want to be in the awkward situation that I’ve been in many times before where people want to split the bill evenly even though my dish was $15 less). I want to skip this part of the evening, but another friend thinks this is really rude/selfish of me and I should suck it up since it’s my engaged friend’s party and we should all celebrate with her. What do you think? This is the first bachelorette party of a friend I’ve ever been to, so I’m not really sure of the etiquette.

   1. As a vegetarian, I would skip out on a Fogo de Chao type experience. As long as you meet up with them afterwards, I don’t think that’s rude.

      1. Fogo de Chao has an AMAZING salad bar, though. And a reduced price for salad bar only, iirc.

   2. If it’s one of those brazilian steakhouses, they have massive, and I mean massive, salad bars. I am not sure if they have a “salad bar only” option on the menu, but you could probably call ahead and ask. These salad bars are incredible – and designed to get diners to eat just a tad bit less of the pricey meat. So if you can manage not to be freaked out by big hunks of meat being carved on either side of you for other diners all evening, you definitely should have plenty of options to eat.

      1. I concur — I’m vegetarian and there was plenty to eat at the Fogo de Chao -like place I went to. The meat didn’t gross me out, even though I was concerned about that.

         The cost difference is annoying — but something that unfortunately is par for the course in one of these situations — whether it’s different entrees or varying drink orders. If money is tight, and you’re friends with the organizer, maybe drop a word in her ear? If there will be various amounts of drinking, you may not be the only one concerned about this.

   3. Hm, I have been throwing a lot of bachelorette parties recently and I have always done my best to ensure that where we go accommodates everyone but at the same time my first priority is the bride. How big is the group going out to dinner (is it you vs. 20 people who are pumped)? Are you the only vegetarian (could you sit together and enjoy a bit of a meat free zone)? Could it be that the bride really likes it? If it is the case of the latter, I would say go if you can. But I have also had parties where people have shown up later and it was just as fun so if it will really impact your enjoyment of the night, just come up with a reason to show up afterwards. Ideally with a bottle of champagne ;).

   4. I’m a vegetarian, so I understand where you’re coming from. But in this situation, I would just go to the dinner and accept the fact that this is just going to be one of those times when I won’t get my “money’s worth” of food. I’d probably eat something small ahead of time so I wasn’t too hungry by the end of the meal…. My answer would be different if this was a regular occurrence (i.e. you regularly dine with this group of people and they are always picking places that are non-accommodating to vegetarians).

      1. agree: this is my strategy too. On both special occasions (suck it up) and regular dining out (pipe up).

      2. Agreed. It’s about the bride this time, not you, though her MOH is a jerk for scheduling the dinner at a steakhouse if she knew vegetarians were coming… unless the bride requested it! Call the restaurant ahead of time and politely, graciously ask if they can make an accommodation for you. After all, the issue is not that you don’t want to plunk down a chunk of change, but that you’d *love* to plunk it down if they would serve you something you could eat. With several days’ notice and a friendly customer, chefs will sometimes put a special dish together. It can’t hurt to ask.

   5. I think you suck it up and do it if you’re in the bridal party. If not, then maybe you could meet them all for the later festivities? I would still recommend you go; it’s not about you and your preferences, it’s about your friend, the future bride. Also, in the grand scheme of things, unless the additional cost of splitting the bill versus paying only your way will wipe you out financially, I think it’s better to just do it than make a fuss. Splitting evenly at this type of thing is pretty standard, because you’re paying for the bride and her drinks, not just your own meal. If the cost differential disturbs you, order an extra drink or two to make up for it.

      As an aside–does anyone else think bachelorette parties are getting ridiculous? Weekend-long trips, flights, hotels, several nights out, etc. all add up, and a lot of the time, I feel like these parties are with people I’m not even that close to in the first place.

      1. Agreed on the ridiculousness of bachelorette weekends. And of weddings generally.

         I’m all for a big party, and I really do not care how much you spend throwing it. I’m not judgmental about flashy weddings or 10k dresses. But asking your friends to give up large chunks of their free/vacation time just because you are getting married is ridiculous (BTW I’m married, and we did have a big wedding in a tent). You can celebrate just as well close to home, no need for hotels and multiple parties.

      2. OP here – I will credit this bride with not having ridiculous expectations. Aside from the restaurant selection, we’re just having a typical night out, albeit a longer/drunker one than usual. Most of us live in the bride’s city too, and the ones who don’t are crashing on the locals’ couches, so at least we don’t have that problem!

      3. veg here. i say skip it and go to other stuff if you want. i am personally so sick and tired of being in that situation. the fogo place does gross me out, i am sick of paying $60 for my $12 beans and rice, etc. plus, a few hours of togetherness is really enough for me- ie if they are going to bars after or whatever. i find the marathon hang out events exhausting. i used to do what many here recommend (just go/pay) but honestly life is too short. it’s okay to do what you want. if the bride doesn’t understand, well, she isn’t in charge of your life and should not be mean about it.
         i didn’t even have a bachelorette party- so i am not mainstream in this regard generally.

   6. I have to be honest, as a meat lover, I’d never ask my vegetarian friends to come with me to Fogo de Chao (or one of its imitators). I mean, even if there ARE vegetarian options, many vegetarians I know would just get a little nauseated looking at that much meat.

      I’d say you’re totally fine telling them you’ll meet them at the first bar afterwards, and if you can think of a good excuse do, but if not just say all that meat scares you. And don’t turn it into an “oh I’m so dramatic thing” but rather a “oh, it’s kind of funny” thing. If the brides a reasonable person, she’ll understand. :-)

   7. I’d say join them later. I was in a somewhat similar situation several years ago. The bridal party set up a party that involved a restaurant followed by box seats at a sporting even that would likely also have food options. I was unemployed at the time and the price point was really high for me, but got told to suck it up for the bride. I ended up not feeling well at the dinner portion and was so frustrated/angry because I was the only singleton going and they expected me to do all the “challenges” that I ended up leaving before the game. That was the part I wanted to attend in the first place and I wish I’d stood up for myself and just told them I’d meet them there. You don’t want to make yourself miserable in the first half and ruin the rest of the night for yourself.

      1. Join them later. If there is an itinerary, that implies multiple events, and multiple opportunities to help the bride celebrate. It’s still a party, not a command performance. And how does your suffering help the bride celebrate her extended weeks of specialness? Don’t make a big fuss about it, just say that you won’t be able to join them until later. Anyone who pushes back on that is being rude.

         My only caveat would be if you were the maid of honor, or helping the maid of honor as a fellow hostess.

   8. I’d say you have a scheduling conflict and unfortunately have to miss the dinner, but you’re super excited to join them after. If it’s just part of the night’s itinerary, I don’t see missing it a big deal. I wouldn’t say that it’s because of the restaurant’s menu, since that could make the bride and host feel uncomfortable. While I agree the night should be planned around the bride, guests shouldn’t be forced to do something that makes them uncomfortable. No fun in that.

      1. yes, the conflict being: eating vegetarian food.:)

   9. Thanks for the advice everyone. To answer your questions, the restaurant isn’t a Fogo-style place but rather an Argentinian steakhouse where almost all of the entrees are steaks/other meats. My primary concern would be feeling sick and not being able to make it through the night after drinking a lot, not eating much for dinner, and enduring the smell of meat (the Yelp reviews of the place even specifically mentioned the smell). The cost is just an extra annoyance – it wouldn’t bankrupt me or anything. I’m not in the bridal party, and the 11 other girls attending are not vegetarians.

      I think I’ve decided to pass on the dinner. There are in fact many other events that night (happy hour, theater performance, and clubbing), so I don’t feel as bad skipping one thing. I don’t blame the bride for choosing the place, as I know she’ll love it and no one else has a problem with it, but as a plea to anyone on here planning a party: if you want your vegetarian friends to attend dinner, make sure the place won’t make them sick! :)

      1. veg here again (replied above). good call. you have reminded me of the time on my honeymood huband and i went on a nature excursion in patagonia, argentina all day on a bus led by local guides. between seeing amazing scenery and animals, they took us for lunch at the one restaurant within hours of anything. for 4 hours. hanging carcarsses of meat, more meat, and… french fries. i ate fries only for the whole day and it really ruined my experience. there simply wasn’t anywhere to get anything else in advance- stores there weren’t open etc. and the guides had misled me on what would be available. lessons learned… make your own choices on what’s best for you. argentian places are the WORST. over time down there i found the lovely often secret menu item called soya milenesa and the salads/pastas are great but get old. but those ‘traditional’ steakhouse places have literally nothing and are really gross to be in for those of us who don’t like it.

         1. honeymoon not mood… very very tired today..

9. I actually like this one and I usually don’t like color blocking.

10. To the person who was looking for movers for the DC area the other day: My Truck Buddy, a great company that I used and recommended earlier, has $50 off on Living Social today: http://www.livingsocial.com/cities/229/deals/218472-100-to-spend-on-moving-services

    1. That was me, thank you!!

       1. Do you know if they have insurance? I am moving soon, and my building requires proof of moving insurance from the company.

11. Threadjack/followup on the weekend’s knitting discussion. Thoughts on a name for a Ravelry group?

    1. No thoughts on a name, just a request for an “invite” when it gets going!

    2. I missed this discussion (will go back and look at the weekend thread) and don’t have any good name suggestions, but would be really excited to see a Ravelry group! My twice a month Stitch & Bitch group is a sanity saver.

    3. Also request an invite when it gets going. I’m lynnet on ravelry as well.

    4. Corpoknit

    5. Yarnettes.

       And then we can sing backup too.

    6. No thoughts on name but want an invite – I’m KateL there too.

       1. Just starting to knit… what is ravelry? It sounds cool, but I am still not 100% sure of what it IS! Please explain…

          1. It is like Facebook and Wikipedia combined for knitters, crocheters and spinners.

          2. Another social media rabbit hole to fall down… :-) Actually you don’t have to use any of the social features (forums/friending) and really benefit. Ravelry has a yarn/pattern database which is awesome as a new knitter – see a yarn and want to know what to make with it? Check Find a free pattern for a cabled hat? Check

    7. Knitterette!

       1. +1. Let us know when it’s created so we can join if we don’t want to post usernames here.

12. After visiting with friends out of town this weekend who all have 2 kids per couple and full-time nannies, my husband and I (DINKs) are thinking that we could some help around the house for housekeeping, grocery shopping and cooking. Is that nuts? We both come home at decent hours during the week, but we’re so drained from work that we barely have the energy to cook a decent meal. Sometimes it’s just a hunk of chicken with some BBQ sauce if I’m lucky (and my husband does our subsistence cooking). Weekends, we clean and run errands.

    Then there’s the whole question of how to find someone, how to check on them to make sure they won’t be mean to our cats or worse, how much to pay, etc. We’re dreaming about a PT housekeeper person in the afternoons and early evenings. I don’t even care if I like the food. Our friend lost about 40 pounds when his new nanny started cooking dinner 5x a week, just because he ate what was available vs. junk/stress eating.

    We wanted kids and that’s not going to happen. I’m starting to think that it’s worth spending some money to change our quality of life. I always said I was going to hire a housekeeper 2x a month once I got promoted to where I am now. And of course I didn’t. I just don’t know if that would have that great of an impact. But daily help? That seems like it could really be helpful. We’re nuts, right? I mean, I’m basically saying I would like a nanny. It would be a stretch on the budget (and not necessarily possible right now, but I’m thinking ahead), but we save/invest plenty. I just feel like this is something “other people” do, not real people.

    1. I think it’s not nuts, but a quality of life issue. We are DINK, but the DI is two government salaries, and I’m working on a budget that allows for adding house cleaning to the weekly yard service. The smarty-pants in me wants to enter it in the monthly budget as “mental health/marital enhancement”. : ) When I started asking around about house cleaners, I was surprised at the number of people who utilize their services – many “average” people, without high incomes or high pressure careers.

       1. This. I grew up thinking having “Help” was a rich-people-thing, but I make $55K and have cleaners biweekly. (BTW to find them I did a search on my local BBB’s website and narrowed them down from there based on the high scorers.) We don’t have culinary assistance yet, but I’ve seriously considered getting a meal delivery or the like – with the amount of money we spend on food due to consistently failing to plan ahead, it’s likely to be much cheaper than what we’re actually doing.

          Once you do it you’ll wonder why you waited so long! Don’t hesitate to improve your life.

          1. Oh, and I don’t have kids either. Being child-free doesn’t make you less deserving of simple pleasures like coming home to a just-cleaned house (pretty much the best feeling in the world to me).

          2. Totes, just a note to say I also thought the same thing. Seriously, I thought all people who had “help” lived in mansions. And drove rolls royces or something. And it also vaguely carried an air of “bad person-hood” to my child-hood self.

             I don’t currently have help, but thought I’d share. Also, if I can ever convince my husband, I’ll be getting me some of that. :-)

    2. You’re not nuts–you’re trying to buy back your life! I say go for it if assuming you have the discretionary income to pay for it. I’m single, no kids, no pets and I have a housekeeper twice a month–it’s wonderful!! I just do laundry on “my” weekends and she does all of the laundry, ironing, and cleaning on “her” weekends. It’s the best money I spend because it allows me to do what I want to do on the weekend rather than cleaning my house. Sure I could do it myself, but I don’t want to and, I figure, I’m keeping a widow with two kids (very) partially employed. We all win.

       I’ve also heard about people who hire chefs to cook a week’s worth of meals at a time and drop them off on the weekends. If you did this option, it would give you good, healthful food and probably more inexpensively than having someone come into your house several times per week. All you’d have to do is heat it up–which is basically what you’re doing now.

       Buy back your life. That’s what money is for once you’ve covered the basics.

    3. I don’t think you’re nuts. One of my former bosses, an extraordinary woman, had a housekeeper on this exact model. But I also think that it might be helpful to start “small.” What if you hired a cleaning person to come in once a week? I’ve found that weekly cleaning is enormously helpful for my quality of life. If you find the right person and your house is small enough, that person could also handle your laundry and dry cleaning.

       Alternatively, you could find a “personal chef.” In big metro areas, there are tons of people who will come in once a week and prepare food in your home — a certain number of entrees, snacks, whatever, that you then have for the week. The nice thing about the personal chef service is that you usually get to approve the menu, but you don’t have to invent the menu or tell the person what you want. All of the meal planning is basically done for you.

       Based on my experience hiring household employees, I would really suggest finding someone who is an independent contractor, rather than your own employee. It will save you a ton of hassle in bookkeeping and taxes. It is possible to do your own employer paperwork, but it is a lot of work.

    4. I think you should do it if it will improve your quality of life and you are comfortable paying for it. Lots of single professionals and DINKs have help around the house–you don’t need kids to justify it. And you’re providing a job to someone who really needs it, given the economy. That’s a good thing to do.

    5. Do it. If it makes your life easier and your married life more fulfilling, what does it matter if “real people” don’t do it? I honestly don’t know anyone personally who uses this type of service without kids, but so what?

       Go for it, and if it doesn’t work out, you’re out a little bit of money, but you won’t wonder about it any more. And if it does work out, then you’ll be happier, your husband will be happier, and you’ll be able to enjoy your time off more.

    6. If you’re looking for justification, you don’t need it. You and your husband are busy, productive people who need to reduce household work. Totally normal. Superwoman doesn’t exist.

       All that said, there are all kinds of possibly cheaper ways to achieve your goal here … I know people who have a cleaning service come to their home just 1x/week or 2x/week, for example. There are food delivery and meal preparation services in many places that will either deliver a week’s worth of meals (freeze and reheat), or deliver the ingredients for a simple meal to your door (recipe included) … etc. Online grocery ordering and delivery has been a godsend for us, and there are all kinds of healthy and easy-to-prepare meals that you can order that way. You can also get into the habit of cooking 1x/week and reheating for a few nights (there are lots of people on this blog who can comment on that).

       Finally, just make sure the problem really is time and not, say, a more fundamental issue like chronic fatigue or slight depression or boredom or something – it doesn’t sound like *any* of those things, mind you, but just saying.

    7. If it’s just about the food, what about a delivery service / Fresh Direct? That way you don’t have the concerns about the person being in your home.

       DH and I are DINKs, and we’ve had a cleaning lady (every other week) for a few years. I figure that this chapter in my life is supposed to be about me and DH, so why let chores bog it down? I value her help so highly; I would give up a LOT before I’d give her up.

    8. We have a cleaning service that comes in every other week. We are both government employees and don’t have crazy hours (or salaries). It is nice not to have to devote our spare time on weekends or evenings to cleaning, and coming home to a clean house is a special kind of wonderful.

       We have a non-aggressive dog, and it hasn’t been a problem to find a service–we had an understanding with our prior service (recently moved) that if the cleaners did not feel comfortable with her at any point, they would leave, and we would still pay them for their time. With that service and the new one once we moved, we had the flexibility that at least one of us could work from home or otherwise be home the first few times they came to clean so that we were available for questions and would just be around.

       I imagine that what you’re talking about would be considerably more than weekly or biweekly cleanings, which I find quite reasonable. Have you looked into grocery delivery options? I think there are also services that will basically stock your freezer with prepared, health meals you just reheat. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what you’re talking about, but if you’re worried about stretching your budget, maybe it would be worth looking into some other options.

    9. We are DINKs as well and both work in BigLaw. You will extremely happy having someone coming in to clean regularly, but a part time housekeeper who comes in several times a week might be excessive. Start out with someone who comes in twice a month, and then reevaluate after a few months. But you should DEFINITELY get a housekeeper – you’re probably exhausted during the week because you spend the weekend cleaning! And you won’t do as good of a job as they will do.

       As for cooking, if you are not cleaning during weekends then you will have more time to cook and then freeze food for the week. Look at all of the crockpot postings on Corporette. Or, you can try to hire someone who will come to your home on Sunday and cook a bunch of different things for you (one of my best friends has this set up and loves it).

    10. I think you need a wife.

        1. i’ve actually said this before. i’d make a great provider if only i had a wife at home to take care of the rest of it. since i like my husband and would rather not trade him in, i ended up getting a cleaning service instead.

    11. You should do this and not feel even remotely guilty about it. You work hard and can afford it, and you’re saving a ton of money not having children so take that into account, too (callous sounding, but true).

        I do agree with others who say that you should try to start small. Once or twice a week might be plenty. My ex had a woman come in twice a week and it was fantastic: she would do laundry, grocery shopping, and the apartment was always clean at least every Tuesday and Friday.

        I would ask around for recommendations, that’s usually the most reliable way to find someone.

        In terms of food, if you have a service like FreshDirect available, they can deliver ready to cook meals that take minutes to make and well worth the couple of extra dollars.

        1. This is all really great feedback.

           I’ve “done” Flylady before, successfully for several months. It’s a great system, but just isn’t going to work for us right now. At the time we’d just re-done a small condo (and it was fabulous), and I had a lot more mental energy to keep everything shiny and perfect.

           I think the idea of starting small(er) is a good one. We did “Dinner Done” before, but we couldn’t even make it through two whole weeks of frozen dinners before any non-frozen alternative seemed like a better idea. And my husband’s not a big crockpot person. I used to do that when I was single, but it hasn’t worked out with him at all. I’d end up spending hours cooking and prepping on weekends, and he wouldn’t want to eat anything more than once. Or he’d have several helpings, so what used to last me a week when I was single would only last 2 days with us together.

           I’ve even done something similar to FreshDirect (which we don’t have in our area). I absolutely loved it. I actually had them deliver to my office and load up my trunk before my commute home.

           Anyway, I think I’ll look into someone coming in maybe once a week to clean and get groceries or something. Starting small.

    12. Real people do this, including me and my husband. It’s wonderful. We both hate housework, and this way we have a clean house, our laundry and dry cleaning get done, we eat healthy meals, and we don’t fight with each other about getting stuff done. Just make sure that if you’re the employer that you do everything right with Social Security and your state’s unemployment filings. (And I’m very sorry about your wanting children and not being able to have them.)

    13. Life *really* changed for me after Flylady. Just sayin!

    14. Not nuts at all. Give it a try. If you don’t think it’s worth it, you can always stop.

    15. If you can afford it, why not?

    16. Word on the street in my town is that one of the judges and her senior partner husband hired their nanny well before they had children, for the reasons you stated explicitly. I strongly believe that you outsource tasks that not having to do would make your life easier/better if you can afford to. I don’t have any suggestions on where to find someone, but it must be possible. Good luck.

13. Someone (Ruby?) had asked about labor anxiety in the weekend thread and a number of posters suggested hiring a doula. I had planned to hire one, and have spoken with a few, but they all came across as very anti-medicine and anti-intervention. I am not committed to any particular type of birth except the kind that gets me a healthy baby and a healthy me. I also hate the term “evidence-based” as a euphemism for non-medicated labor, because the evidence isn’t overwhelming one way or the other. But I digress. Has anyone had any luck finding a doula who is not totally committed to natural labor, and if so, what keywords should I look for in internet searches and/or interviews?

    1. tika55 – what city are you in?

       1. I’m in Richmond, VA.

          1. So is she! (What are the chances?) Can you email our farm account at boxwoodbeef, which is at gmail? My personal email is my name, which I’m not ready to put on the internet for the whole world.

             1. Wow. That is amazing. OK, I am emailing you now, and the subject will be Corporette Doula. Thanks!!

    2. I had a great doula with my second, and although I planned natural childbirth, ended up with a C-section. She was still super helpful, and it gave my spouse a chance to eat a sandwich or rest for a few minutes during my labor/delivery. Plus she was also trained in massage and let me tell you, she helped with back labor like no one else. When you interview prospective doulas, I’d be upfront with your goals – you want a supported labor/delivery but do not anticipate going the no medication route.

       Re: finding one – Does your OB have any recommendations? Are you on any listservs with parents in your area? Any independent kids’ book/clothing/toystores that have a bulletin board with these kinds of contacts? Do you plan to attend any LLL meetings or hire a lactation consultant? As those might also be good places to look for recommendations.

       1. This is my first, so I’m definitely not hooked into the local parents community. I will check out some of those suggestions! Thank you!

    3. I had a fantastic doula that I found through an acquaintance. I had a hospital birth with an epidural and she was helpful and non-judgmental about my choices. They definitely exist. She was affiliated with hypnobabies so that might be a place to look.

       To this day, the $1100 I spent for her is the best money I have ever spent in my entire life. I look back on my birth experience with fondness and zero regret or anxiety. I am the only one of my friends that has had such an experience.
       Good luck!

       1. It’s great to know that they are out there! I was beginning to despair…

    4. Doulas with websites will probably have something about their philosophy, and those who don’t could tell you over the phone. After that, it’s all about interviews. Just ask about their philosophy about birth and, as a follow-up, what they advice their clients about seeking medical intervention. The closest thing that I can think of a keyword would be someone who follows the Birthing From Within approach more than, say, Ina May.

       It’s wise of you to be cognizant of this potential issue. I was not. With my first, I was seeking a med-free birth (because I have unnecessary issues with hep locks and IVs) but made it very clear that I was not “natural because it’s best” and would be seeking medical intervention as we deemed appropriate. We interviewed three – and I do believe that at least one of them would have been open to that – but unfortunately hired someone who turned out to be militantly anti-epi, etc. It was a disaster. She was literally the only person in the room that I needed to fight with to get what I wanted (hospital staff were fantastic). I had a great birth; our only regret was not asking her to leave and demanding some of our money back.

       My primary advice, regardless of what you want, is to choose based on your gut. You should feel a connection with the person, which is more important than anything on their resume.

       1. That is my exact fear! I want to feel like I’m working with someone who can cooperate with the medical team as needed, and I don’t want to have to try to debate childbirth philosophies during labor! Thanks for the reinforcement.

    5. I only knew one, and she was BAT-SH!T crazy. Psycho, actually. Hope you have better luck.

       1. Ha – seems like a very bad trait in a doula, natural-birth-oriented or otherwise!

    6. One more hint – check the maternity ward policies about doulas. Some hospitals have had bad experiences with anti-intervention doulas and tried to “ban” them. Reportedly this was the case at one of our local hospitals a few years ago. I don’t know how they enforce this.

    7. I asked my OB and received a long list of doulas, with certain ones marked as especially good from the OB practice’s past experience. I met my doula and we essentially interviewed each other. She worked well with the OB and other hospital staff during labor and delivery, and was critical in helping me achieve my VBAC goal. So perhaps ask your doctor.

       1. Yep it was me. I don’t really have time to interview a bunch of them so if anyone knows of a good one in Seattle let me know. I am with the OP here- I will have a plan involving meds- I was also very turned off by the profiles I’ve looked at, too cheesy for me “sun and moon birthing and you’ and the like… but have heard good things about them from a few friends. my top hospital has very supportive nurses i hear, so may obviate the need. but will look into it.

          1. Ha ha, this is so true. I am trying to fit in some interviews, although I’m pretty late in the game here (35 weeks). For what it’s worth, I think it is useful to meet them if you can make it work at all. I met someone who came very highly recommended by a friend, and I really (really) did not click with her. Good luck!!

14. Anyone want to talk about vacation? I’m looking for a vacation destination for a long weekend at the end of March. The parameters: a non-stop flight from NYC, a beach warm enough for swimming, minimal travel time, not too expensive, toddler-friendly (we’re traveling with my 2 year old). Any suggestions? I dream about a beach vacation every winter, but all of my fantasy destinations are too far/too expensive for this year.

    1. Miami. Nonstop, warm, affordable options, fine for kids. You don’t have to do the South Beach party scene.

       1. I would say FLA, but I would go to the West Coast, instead of the East Coast.

          1. Flights to Fort Myers from NYC are super expensive, so we might be stuck with the East Coast. Any other west coast destinations in mind?

             1. West Palm Beach – cheaper flights than to Naples, and I actually think it’s much better. You don’t have to actually stay in Palm Beach – Delray, Boynton, Boca, etc. have loads of great options. It should be warm enough to swim, esp. if you pick a gulf side beach and there is lots of fun things to do and good places to eat. I’d look for a hotel that has a kitchenette (some have full kitchens), which I think would make toddler travel a bit easier.

             2. You could also go to Puerto Rico – short flight from NY, no passport required and lots of pretty beaches.

             3. Ugh, I feel you. My best friend moved to Fort Myers and the flights from New England are all expensive and at crappy hours. Most have connections and involve a day of traveling. Makes going for the weekend near impossible.

    2. I don’t have any suggestions, being non-child-having from CA I don’t know anything about your parameters! However, I’m interested too, I’m currently on probation in my new job and get off January of 2013. I’m not allowed to take vacation time while on probation, but I do accrue it. So I will have 13 days of vacation stored up in January of 2013 and I want to go spend them!! My boyfriend is taking a vacation without me this year, since I can’t go, so I get to pick our next vacation, anywhere in the world!

       Usually we cruise, but I can’t decide where I want to go. He’s going to Alaska this summer, so I don’t think that’s a good option, I’ve done the Mexico cruise twice and am somewhat nervous about safety in the ports, I’ve only done a Caribbean cruise once, so that may be a good option, I’m also thinking about Europe cruises or just going to Ireland or Italy (my two favorite past land-based travels).

       Also, I love talking about vacations even though I can’t go for another 11 months!! :-D

       1. How about going someplace like Vietnam or Thailand? It would be a total adventure and you really need a long chunk of time to take advantage of the lengthy flights.

          Alternatively, how about Hawaii? Hawaii in January sounds perfect.

       2. In your shoes, with 13 days straight, I’d go to Australia and NZ. January is their summer, you can go to the beach, you can hike and explore, you can scuba and snorkel, you can eat great food and just enjoy being in a wonderful part of the world. No language barrier, major jetlag (unfortunately) but with 13 days at your disposal that’s OK.

          1. I *am* Australian, and though I love the place, I wouldn’t go for thirteen days unless you can truly throw money at it – something other than economy class, really nice hotels – and given the current exchange rate, that’s expensive. It’s just that it’s a really long trip, and you’ll be pretty wiped out for a bit, and I’m not sure thirteen days is enough to see anything and enjoy relaxing, unless you just pick one or two locations. (In thirteen days I really wouldn’t try to do NZ as well!)

       3. I rented a car and drove around Cancun last year for a week. I had a wonderful time and never once felt unsafe. I think I could easily have made a 13-day trip out of it because there was lots more I wanted to see. They Mexican government is doing what it can to keep the tourist areas safe. We actually broke down on the interstate and people were very helpful.

          I don’t think any of the cruises that are geared toward Americans (e.g. you pay in dollars) are sailing around Europe until late March/early April. Ireland is probably going to be too cold/dark during that time of year to be enjoyable. Italy may also be colder than desirable. I went in December and did have a great time, but it got into the teens/20s in Rome and I really didn’t have any desire to do anything in the evenings. The big plus with winter is that there are almost no lines and you won’t need to book any of the museums/leaning tower in advance.

       4. I love vacations as well but am not a cruise person – more of an adventure/nature traveler. That being said, here are some places I have been in January/February that I loved: Peru (skip Lima and head straight to Cusco for Machu Piccu and also check out Puerto Moldanado (sp?) for rain forest eco-lodge experience), Costa Rica, Panama, Argentina and Chile. I’ve been hitting Central and South America a lot and I have to say I love the lack of jet lag! I have also been to Australia and can’t say enough good things about it and while I was there for a summer (their winter) I still think 13 days is a good chunk of time to go but be realistic in your plans – you can’t realistically see both coasts and the interior and I wouldn’t lump NZ in for such a short time frame as it would deserve a separate trip of its own. I lived in Sydney and went up to the Cairns and the Great Barrier Reef and say that is a must do. Europe is definitely cheaper in January but very cold. That being said I went to Amsterdam in January once and had a fantastic time – no tourist crowds anywhere!
          Good luck picking a trip!

    3. I would check expedia and airline sites to see who’s running deals, either on airfare or a package deal, at that time and pick a place based on that. I feel like any all-inclusive resort on a warm beach will probably fit the bill if you can get a good price. And most of Florida should be warm enough by late March (or anywhere in the Carribean). I’d recommend Charleston and the islands nearby, but South Carolina is still a bit chilly for swimming in the end of March (in my opinon)

       Also, I’m not a fan of cruises (I don’t think there’s enough to do on the boat, and would rather lay on a beach), but I’ve heard from people with kids that those can be a great option with children.

    4. Tampa/St. Pete/Clearwater is wonderful, but your suggested time is smackdab in the middle of college Spring Break season. That might affect prices and availability for you in a lot of warm, beachy places.

15. I don’t know if I like the blazer. I feel like I would never actually wear it.

    Now for the aside: I have an old HS friend who does not work anymore and has 2 small kids. I don’t have kids. Lately, she’s taken to saying things like, “Oh, you’re so lucky you don’t have any responsibilities and can just do what you want.” I’m starting to resent it, esp. coming from someone who has enough time for daily yoga classes and weekly massages, and have no idea how to respond. Last time I was so at a loss I said something like, “well, we all make our choices…” I know she doesn’t mean anything by it and I try to remind myself of that. But it is just so annoying, esp. because my job involves so much responsibility that I am often tempted to say something like, “well, you’re responsible for 2 people, my work affects hundreds,” which I obviously would never and I don’t even think of it in terms of that kind of comparison. I’d like to nip this in the bud but without having the kind of chat where I say, “you know when you say that it makes me feel like..” So thoughts?

    1. I think in situations like this its okay to be a little abrupt and say something like “I DO have responsibilities, they’re just different responsibilities”…because she needs to know she’s being thoughtless. And if she’s a true friend she’ll realize she’s offended you.

       1. Mom here, and I like this approach. If I did this without realizing it, I’d want to be called on it. Plus, it’s the truth!!!

          Polly D and SLCanon have good ones as well; I think they’re less direct, but that could be a good thing depending on this friend and your relationship.

          1. Haha, I’m glad to have a “Mom” seal of approval. Maybe I will try it in a lighthearted way to test the waters. I just don’t want to get into a whole ‘who’s made better life choices’ debate. This is someone I have known forever and while we’re still great friends we just couldn’t be more different. I think part of the problem is that we grew up together and went through a lot of firsts with each other and now we’re in very different places.

    2. I’m in the same demographic with you and am also put off by these kinds of comments. They seem to convey both jealousy (of your lack of children) AND judgement (of your lack of children). I’m sure you already know that the response that is coming to mind would just fan the flames and entrench exactly the kind of “contest” that you don’t want to be in with her.

       Since you said you don’t want to do the I-statement and really get into how you feel about this, I think less is more here–and it may be that what you’ve already been saying is essentially the answer. Something that neither agrees with her portrayal of your life nor bothers to argue with it. You can also turn the conversation back on her, in a sympathetic way: “are you feeling pretty overwhelmed/strapped for time?” or “has the transition to full-time parenting been a challenge?” Then you’re doing what she isn’t doing for you: expressing genuine interest and concern about a lifestyle different from your own. Maybe she would even follow your lead.

       1. The reason I don’t really suggest saying “yes, I do have responsibilities” is because I think the friend will just say something like “well, you know what I meant,” or other doubling-down of the general point that child-raising is in a different category. Presumably, she knows what AIMS does for work, and AIMS mentions work issues from time to time in conversation (along with other things that could certainly count as responsibilities in her life). I don’t think lack of knowledge is the problem here. It’s the underlying judgment that AIMS’ “responsibilities” just don’t count in the same way. Hence my suggestion to deflect.

          1. I’m with you most of the way but I’d probably say something like, “What do you mean by that?” or “Are you having a rough time lately or something? You’ve said this more than once recently” so that there is room to talk about what may be going on with the friend but without totally ignoring that the friend has said something really pretty rude.

          2. Monday, your comment about sounding both jealous and judgmental is really resonating with me… My relationship with one of my best friends has gone through a lot of changes. She’s not a lawyer, but like me, has a graduate degree. A lot of her plans got derailed when she married a military man and had to stop work and move all over with him; then again when they dealt with fertility issues. She is a mom now and working again since their situation has settled down a bit, but sometimes I get the sense that she thinks of us as being in different stages (actually she has literally said that part), with the implication that my “stage” is behind or that I haven’t caught up to her yet.

             Then a couple of months ago we were having a phone chat and she said something about me being a “career girl,” which really rankled for some reason I’m not sure I can verbalize. Just because she had to focus on other things doesn’t mean that she doesn’t care about having a career, and just because I haven’t married and procreated doesn’t mean I *only* care about my career (this is doubly true lately because my job is terrible!). Long story short, I am learning that we do better in in-person conversations rather than on the phone, which is invariably when she makes these comments (perhaps it is easier in person for her to see me as real and not just a “lawyer girl” concept?).

             Coming (very slooooowly) back to the topic, these sort of black-and-white attitudes people have really trouble me. If the OP’s friend really wants to be more than a mom, she can be; if she doesn’t, great, moms are awesome. However, she is probably smart enough to know that kids-v.-no-kids does not define anyone’s life unless they want it to, and that’s why I advocate for a somewhat more direct approach in handling these ongoing comments.

       2. I’m torn over this advice. It seems clear that by bringing this up all the time she is looking to talk about her life/seek validation for her choices. I don’t really think she’s trying to say much about your life, it’s just a roundabout way to get you to ask her about hers, so that she can vent about how hard she works. I would almost not even want to engage her and ask her to vent, because that’s opening up a pretty slippery slope and is rewarding passive-aggressive behavior when she should really just come out and say things directly. On the other hand, maybe indulging her a couple of times would encourage her to be more direct about her feelings or get her to stop bringing it up all of the time.

          1. I agree with this. She may also be jealous that you can go out on a weeknight without planning to do it weeks in advance, getting a sitter, etc. (never mind if you do these things, it’s just that you *could*.)

    3. Tell her that her statements are simply inaccurate. You do have responsibilities. You don’t have tons of free time. You can’t do ‘whatever you want’. Neither can she, but I wouldn’t even begin to make it about her life vs. your life or how our choices have consequences etc. – that just gets sticky.

       It’s like if she said you have blonde hair when you’re a brunette or said you’re Jewish when you’re Catholic. A simple misstatement of fact. Point it out and then move on.

    4. I think telling someone they are “lucky” because they do not have the responsibility of children is a very dangerous thing to do. Perhaps the “lucky” person is not childless by choice. No one is forced to have children, so childless people are not “lucky” they are just responsible about birth control, never met the right guy, or are infertile.

       I think I’d say something like, Oh, but you have two wonderful little ones and get to stay home with them, I’d say you are pretty lucky, too.

       1. Thanks for saying this.

       2. Yep, I think that PollyD’s response is great–steer the conversation away from her perceptions of your life, and at the same time remind her that she has “luck” too.

          1. I like that response.

    5. You CAN always go with the nuclear option (which I actually used on my brother and sister in law a couple of times) when they b*tch about the things my husband and I “get” to do because we don’t have any kids and they do (they complain a lot about their kids…a lot…)

       I looked them straight in the eyes and said…”birth control is a magical thing”. It was awkward and everyone laughed, but they have cut back on that since then. :-P

       1. Thanks everyone – you’ve all given me a lot to think about.

          Monday, I think you’re right – I really shouldn’t go down the compare and contrast path; the last thing I need is an argument about who has more responsibilities in life. I think perhaps this is just one of those things that’s inevitably going to crop up when you have two people who made such divergently different choices in life (not just kids vs not kids, but grad school/career vs non career, etc.). For better or worse, it’s probably why people tend to stay close to those who’ve made similar life choices as they get older… Maybe just joking about it and taking it with a grain of salt is the way to go. Perhaps next time she says how lucky I am, I can tell her I envy her for being able to wear yoga pants all day ;)

          FWIW, while I totally agree that the whole “lucky” comment can be quite dangerous depending on the circumstances, this is a person who knows me well enough to know that it’s a very deliberate choice on my part, not a question of not finding the right someone or infertility (I hope), so she’s not being totally insensitive. We’ve talked about it so many times, she knows all my reasons and then some. But maybe I will keep the suggested “nuclear option” in my back pocket just the same … even if I don’t say it, it might make me feel better to know it’s there to be said. Actually, it makes me feel better just to have shared this here – thanks again, ladies!

          1. If you have been friends for a long time, why don’t you try just being a little more honest with her? Say something like: “Friend, it really hurts my feelings when you say that, because I know that you know that I *do* have responsibilities, and you do, too, they are just different, but not any less important to me.” And then maybe change the subject? Or ask her something about herself to redirect. I just think if you’ve been friends for that long, you should be able to be honest about how these things make you feel.

             1. I agree with this. If she is such a good friend, all the more reason to be direct about it. If she wants to talk about issues that she is having–no alone time, no date nights, whatever–she should be able to talk about that with you without making the comparison comments.

             2. Not sure if this is too late but thought I would just explain: I could easily say all this to her and not have it be an issue. But her response would be something along the lines of, “don’t be so defensive, I am just joking with you.” Now, maybe it would keep the comments at bay for a bit, but I’d rather deal with it in a less direct way. I truthfully don’t think she means anything by these comments, but I go out of my way not to say things like, “God, you’re so lucky you don’t have to go to work everyday” and I would appreciate the same courtesy. So while I’m not opposed to being more direct if need be, I’d like to head this off more informally if I can.

       2. I love that comeback and am totally stealing it ;)

       3. Yes, birth control is indeed magical. A few years ago I was planning a trip to Europe and a coworkers with children made a comment about how I was lucky I didn’t have kids so I could go to Europe. I really wanted to say to her, and may have in a milder tone, that not having kids was not “luck,” it was a deliberate choice at this time in my life. And far as I know, no one forced her to have kids, that was a choice, too. If you want to say I was lucky to have a job that afforded me the money and time to take a trip to Europe, I have less trouble with that, although again, choices and hard work got me to that job.

          Honestly, I don’t care about other people’s reproductive choices. I don’t even care that much if they ask why I don’t have kids, I just say it has to do with choices I made and choices I didn’t make, as long as the conversation can move on after that. I just think everyone should own their choices – a little grass-is-always-greener regret is fine, but every choice has its positives and negatives and we should all be aware of that.

          1. What drives me nuts about this (and btw this is almost always the content of by BIL and SIL’s comments as well) is that its NOT really about the kids, its about the money. Its about how my husband and I can afford to take the trip — and they can’t. And it has some implicit judgment about how we’re choosing to spend that money.

             Grarrr. Hence the nuclear option, btw. But don’t do it at work, less appropriate there. :-P

             1. I have a relative who says thinks like this to us–usually as some sort of backhanded compliment for something fun we’ve done while she’s home with her kids. Again, we all make choices but this relative is one of those people who thinks her choices are the ONLY choices. I’d love to use the nuclear option but the only time we see her is at holiday gatherings at a super-Catholic other relative and I’d rather not deal with birth control conversations in that crowd :) Sorry, no advice to the OP but just more commiseration!

                Oh and this relative and I have a mutual friend who is also a stay at home mom but who is the complete opposite–friend recognizes we all make different choices. She loves her kids, but she respects that I’ve made other choices and she’s never tried ot make me feel badly about my choices. Instead, she’s supported me with my career–she’s celebrated my triumphs and mourned my setbacks with me. So it is possible to make different choices and respect a friend’s choices even where they’re different. And that’s why she’s a true friend.

    6. “esp. coming from someone who has enough time for daily yoga classes and weekly massages”

       THIS. I’ve been noticing something similar with friends who use “busy” way too loosely in describing their lives.

       1. I struggle with this. I think everyone has different priorities – the same friend that I posted about, considers her manicures about as non-negotiable as I consider brushing my teeth. I have coworkers who have very different definitions of what “too sick to work” means. I try not to judge but sometimes it’s hard!

    7. What she means is you are so lucky you don’t have kids so you can do what you want. But you can’t really say that when you have kids. So ‘responsibilities” is the code word. It is fairly rude to say, especially when luck has little to do with it etc. But it really is all about her feeling overwhelmed and envious I think.

16. There have been a lot of discussions on paying down student loans recently. Has anyone made the decision NOT to pay down their loans in excess of the monthly amount? I’m wondering because our rates are 2.5-3.5%, so it’s not like high-rate credit card debt. And the interest is non-deductible due to our income level. If one of us decides to stay at home at some point, our income may drop to the level where student loan interest is deductible.

    1. Okay, I’m all over the thread today, but at that rate, I would pay very slowly no more than minimum (that is barely more than inflation!) The student loans many of us more recent students have are at 8% interest and thus are much more pressing to be paid down! Plus, each month that you pay your student loans on time, you bolster your credit rating.

    2. We paid down the high interest rate ones, and now we are paying the minimum amount. Between my husband and I, we have just shy of $100K.

       Our student loans have interest rates of 3% or less, and our mortgage has an interest rate of 4.1%. So, it makes the most financial sense to pay down the mortgage more quickly. About $67K of the student loans are subject to a variable rate. So, if the interest rate exceeds the mortgage interest rate, we will start to try to pay the variable rate student loans first.

       Also, we started paying the minimum to save for a house. We wanted to make sure that we had more than 25% to put down, as we knew were going to have to take out a jumbo loan and did not want to also pay points.

    3. I have one 3% loan and one 3.5% loan, I have NO intention of paying them off early unless I suddenly hit the lottery or something. My other loans are 5%, 6.75% and 6.9% and the 6.9% is a variable rate. Those I want to pay off asap because I hate paying so much interest. I paid something like $13,000 (ballpark) in interest last year and could not deduct any of it. Sucked.

    4. Yes, agreed, I am paying mine down aggressively for two reasons, both of which may not apply to you: 1) I’m a 2010 grad and my loans are at 6.5 and 8.3- much higher than yours 2) I’m in big law and I know I won’t be here forever, and any other job I take will (much) less, so I’m paying it down while I can. If I were in your position I wouldn’t pay more than the monthly rate either. My husband’s loans from undergrad are at 2% ish and we never pay more than the monthly…our extra money is better off going to my loans or even just collecting interest at the bank.

    5. I have a similar rate and I just pay the monthly amount even though I could pay them off. I prefer to have the flexibility of using the cash for investing or keeping it liquid in a savings account (because I get paranoid about sudden catastrophes and needing cash, I guess). I reconsider this decision every so often but for the time being I am comfortable with it.

       1. My loans (67k) are at 2.75% and I am paying the bare minimum. I can get so much of a better return on my money by either using it to pay down my mortgage or car loan, or in the market. It sometimes bugs me that I will have the SL debt for a long time, but I try to remember that it’s “good” debt to have and there are other ways to make my money work harder for me.

    6. My loans are in this vicinity, and I plan to take every last minute of the 20 years to repay them. It’s practically free money. Paying them back slowly is particularly recommended if you wouldn’t be maxing out your tax-favorable savings to pay off the loans.

    7. We thought about it (my remaining ~$50K is at 3%). Ultimately made the decision to continue paying off aggressively because:
       (1) main reason: psychological – hate knowing it is hanging over my head;
       (2) markets being what they are, we didn’t feel we were foregoing as much potential investment “upside” as we would in boom years;
       (3) we don’t see ourselves being eligible to deduct the interest any time soon, so wanted to minimize the amount we ever had to pay; and
       (4) as a mechanism to force living below our means (if I’m paying $2500/month in student loan payments, that’s $2500/month I can’t get “used” to spending)

       1. Thank you all for the helpful input! I think I should stop reading Michelle Singletary (WaPo writer who doesn’t believe in “good debt”). I think her target audience is lower income and her advice is not applicable to every situation.

          1. FWIW, I’m by any definition very high income and I love Ms. Singletary. I also buy cars only with cash, bought a house 3 times my husband’s income only with a 15 year loan that will be paid off in 10, save aggressively, and buy cute bags at Target. Then again, I send the Kid to an extremely expensive preschool and he’s likely to go to a K-12 school where kindergarten tuition is more than the average private college annual tuition. It’s all about priorities – which is what she writes about, though I don’t always agree with her priorities.

             It’s purely a numbers game – what’s the value of money in your life? If you believe that your “return” is higher than the cost of the debt, either through actual investment, potential deductions (though make sure that you’re doing the math of getting a percentage back, not dollar for dollar), or the sheer joy of having an addition $x in spending power right now, go for it. If not, it makes sense to pay them off more quickly.

             I also agree with Singletary on debt – there is no good debt. All debt requires paying more than something is worth for the luxury of paying for it later. There are times in life where debt is worthwhile — i.e. buying food on credit if the other option is starving, taking a calculated risk on education (and I happen to think education is a goal in and of itself) for higher income, spreading the cost of something you want now in the future (say a house) while avoiding associated costs (i.e. rental housing). Everyone has to draw their brightlines – I wouldn’t ever take a loan for a car, and I personally think anyone who borrows for a quickly depreciating asset is a moron. That said, one of my dear friends borrowed for a BMW. Hey, it’s her life, not mine. I would borrow for my kids’ educations.

             1. I think it’s wrong to say that people borrowing for a car are morons. One might not always have the liquid assets on hand to buy a car while unfortunately needing it simultaneously. You might say, well then buy a car with the liquid assets you do have… that isn’t necessarily practical either, as buying, say, a $3000 car might result in huge repair bills that are financially exhaustive as well. Not to mention, a $3000 car might not be very reliable…

                I certainly know that while my husband and I had the liquid assets for a car, we much prefer to have them for investments, emergency savings, or adding extra to our retirement funds. Our car payment is small, and our loan is for a car that is reliable, somewhat new, and modest. The loan is to be paid off in something like 4 years. The last car my husband bought on a loan lasted him about 10 years, so this is only his/our second (I have never owned a car myself).

                Besides, given how education and loans are these days, one could easily say you/anybody else were a “moron” for borrowing for that.

                I think borrowing for reasonable things in an amount that is not financially destructive is fine. Sometimes liquid assets need to be used for other things, and that works for some people/is just fine, financially speaking.

             2. My comment was that I think it is moronic – not that there is some general value system that suggests that something is wrong or right – it just is. I know my BMW driving friend thinks I’m crazy to drive a 10 year old Civic hybrid (bought with cash, fwiw) when I could buy something new, and I think she’s crazy to borrow money for a BMW she will get rid of once the loan is paid off. It’s each of our lives. Mine is the more fiscally conservative approach – but as neither of us has money problems, it really doesn’t matter. If having a car payment allows the numbers to work to give greater utility / joy, that’s awesome. My only issue is with people who feel like they must be in debt to do things.

                As I purchased a house in 2006, trust me, I feel the pain of debt without the upside. When my husband and I decided to purchase, we talked very frankly about what we would do if the housing market went bust. The real estate agent told us we were incredibly stupid for not buying more house for just a few dollars a month more (not exactly…) or getting a more aggressive loan. We looked at it as a 15 year payment plan for 15 years worth of housing – we actually would like something bigger, and we might do that in another couple years, but not with an eye to investment, instead looking towards the house as a commodity, not an investment. The agent believed that the bigger house we looked at would be a better investment, but as that wasn’t our frame of mind, the decision came down to whether we liked the house more – whether the joy of the extra space and the state-of-the-art kitchen was worth the extra money. It wasn’t. We have a cute townhouse. I have a smaller house than many of my “peers” — but I also am confident in my ability to never have to stretch to pay school tuition or to feel like I have to work for money (I’m in biglaw still, so maybe I’m dishonest with myself about how it would feel to give up the cushion, but I can’t truly know unless I end up leaving).

                As for education – I totally would not advise anyone to take out loans for law school at this time with the idea that it is an investment. I went to law school before the bust, but as I met my husband very young, I approached it as a vocational/professional investment, not a dream experience. I knew I wanted to live in the suburb in which I grew up and work in either the Major Market or Big Middle Market city within commuting distance. My husband’s career means he will never really leave the Major Market. I knew I could do biglaw if I wanted (and at the time that’s not what I wanted) out of our Tier 1 state school, and I could go for free – and I wouldn’t have to go biglaw if I didn’t want to do so (and I was incredibly stupid for not thinking I would graduate at the 50% mark or lower — I didn’t, but as I came to learn, law school rank is more luck than anything else). I already had the Ivy experience as an undergrad, didn’t want to ask my parents (or frankly deal with strings) for them to pay my law school tuition, and I couldn’t justify a private school and the accomanying debt. I was *INCREDIBLY* lucky to graduate when and where I did — it was like hitting the lottery, and I would never, ever, ever suggest planning a life off of it to anyone else.

                The advice I give people looking at law school or grad school of any kind these days is to figure out why they want to go, for lawyers give them a painfully honest assessment of the market, and ask them if the joy of law school and being a lawyer is worth making mortgage sized payments for a decade. If it is, then go for it. If the advisee is trying to make an investment and isn’t passionate about the experience, then I suggest not going. I always also plug state schools. Personality wise, I could not be anything other than a lawyer. I’m still a lawyer out of a state school – maybe a higher ranked school would have been a more interesting law school experience, but it wasn’t worth it to me where I was in my life. It is probably worth it – not in terms of compensation, but joy – to someone else.

17. Question: when doing a markup of opposing counsel’s document, do you correct/change grammar or style?

    Today I encountered “Vendor follows a relatively simplistic, standard process” and I am itching to change it to “simple”. But I won’t, because I sense that opposing counsel would get peeved and make it a huge deal (we are not meshing well).

    I also hate “please add some verbiage saying X”. Verbiage! I do not write “verbiage”!

    1. Do you have to sign it, too? If you have to put your name anywhere on it, I’d say that you should correct grammar but leave the style.

       I also hate the word “verbiage.”

       1. Agree with this.

    2. I’d leave it. If it was a glaring error that anyone would notice and you will get signed onto it too, I’d bring it up. IMHO, this kind of an error is almost closer to a style faux pas than a true grammar issue, so it would probably seem like an unnecessary change to opposing counsel, and if you are not meshing well, it will almost certainly annoy him/her in exchange for little to no benefit to you.

    3. I hate the word “verbiage.” I have a client who somehow manages to include that word in every single email she sends to me. It hurts my eyes.

    4. I don’t normally correct style, but would correct grammar. Of course, it seems few of my opposing counsel have any problem making style changes to my work. A$$holes.

    5. “Simplistic” and “simple” have different meanings. If “simple” is the correct word, you should change it.

18. I just (just!) started working as a PD. I want (don’t need-need) about $50 worth of supplies to help me organize myself. (I’m a color-coder, so I really want color tabbed file folders, a pencil cup, some color-coded post-it notes for notes to myself, high-liters etc). My own cash is kinda tight. Is it princessy to ask the office assistant to order it for me?

    1. No, but I would ask in a manner of “hey, I don’t know if this is something the office covers, but I need a, b and c to get organized, let me know!” That way it’s not just “hey, order me this.”

       1. Agreed. It’s worth asking (and fwiw, usually with supplies like that, if you ask for it, you’ll get it, as long as it’s not something absurd like a $500 labelmaker).

    2. No, not princessy at all. Maybe you can ask what the procedure is for ordering supplies, if there’s a secret stockroom somewhere. And ask that your special items be put in for the next order (which will one day happen, all companies regularly restock paper, ink, pens, folders, etc).

       1. Fellow PD here. I agree with the others — not princessy at all. I second Godzilla’s approach, which basically asks an open-ended question re the procedure for doing that, and then letting the assistant respond.

19. I just realized that when I sent out a bunch of cover letters there was a typo! I noticed it because I’m sending out more for a slightly different position and had to make some minor changes. I’ve gotten quite a few interviews already so I know it isn’t that big of a deal, but I can’t help but wonder how many more interviews I would have gotten if I didn’t make that mistake! It is relatively minor and several people looked over my cover letter for me and also missed it. I am just in the initial freak out phase. Anyone ever do this? Looking for some sort of encouragement so I don’t beat myself up about it all day!

    1. The very short answer is yes, I’ve done this (an “a” instead of an “an” as well as a misplaced apostrophe). And a couple weeks ago I posted about misspelling an interviewees name in a thank you e-mail, so…you’re not alone. In fact, you’re so not alone that there should practically a club. :-)

       1. Second!

    2. There was a typo in the thank you letter I sent my current boss. The cover letter sent for my previous position contained a mis-wording. Sometimes people don’t notice/ give you the benefit of the doubt. Don’t freak out, it will be fine!

    3. I discovered the day after sending in an application for my dream job that there was a typo in the first paragraph of one of my submission documents (which was going to be read by a commission of about 10 hyper-critical people). I kept agonizing over it and thinking if I should send in a new version, but ultimately decided that I just had to live with what I submitted just before the deadline. I got the job! Keeping my fingers crossed that things turn out just as well for you. ;-)

       1. That should have been committee, not commission…

    4. I definitely once had the wrong agency in a cover letter. I’ve also applied via email and neglected to attach my resume/cover letter/etc. I still managed to get the job where I didn’t attach my attachments, despite the fact that it showed a clear lack of attention to detail.

       1. Did you mean for your e-mail to be your username there?

          1. Speaking of attention to detail! :-) (I know, it may have been intentional…)

20. I’ve hired a doula for the birth that should happen… any day now! One thing that impressed me during my interview with her was her casual mention of a client at the hospital who had “just received an epidural” and was fine for the time being (so that we could continue our interview). The doula told me her philosophy was to help women have the birth they want – not to impose any sort of personal agenda on them. That said, I’m seeking a non-medicated birth, and was impressed by the tools she could bring to that goal: massage, hypnotherapy, visualization, and guidance. In your interviews, be clear about your goals for the birth, and ask the doula how she supports women in reaching their goals.

    This doula also teaches hypnobirthing classes (which unfortunately I was unable to attend because of scheduling conflicts), and has a fairly extensive background in healing modalities along with her doula work. It may be that someone with a wider background/ education is more open to supporting different birth options. Good luck!

    1. ooops – for tika55 above. Best of luck with the birth!

       1. Thanks! Glad that I scrolled down and saw this and good luck!!

21. Ladies,

    I’m looking for hairspray recommendations. I’ve been using a Bumble & Bumble product recommended by my stylist and it’s fine, but I’m not overwhelmed and it’s spendy. Any good, reliable drugstore brands you would recommend? I don’t like to shellac my hair so it needs to have some movement even when sprayed. Thanks!

    1. I used to use Finesse, which I loved, for its flexible hold and scent, but apparently that has been discontinued, so now I use Tresemme — but with the gold-color identifier — I can’t remember the intensity. I don’t like the green identifier — it’s too much hold. VERY affordable.

    2. Tresemme! I buy both the can with the green label and the yellow label and I love it. The serious hold one will have a “shellac” type hold if you use a lot, but you can brush it out relatively easily and it looks really natural (even if you do need to ‘shellac’ it).

    3. I love Sebastian.

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