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Something on your mind? Chat about it here. In a “pigs are flying past my window” moment, I am seriously considering buying over-the-knee boots. I keep seeing women wearing them with jeans and leggings, and — so long as the heel is flat or nearly flat — they always look amazingly chic and stylish, and not at all like pirates. The Nordstrom shoe clearance sale has a number of good options, all marked down. For example, these suede boots from uber-comfortable brand Børn come in three colors, and are marked 45% off — the boots were $259.95, but are now marked down to $142.96. Børn Crown ‘Cady' Over the Knee Boot (L-4) Psst: Check out more great deals at the Corporette Bargains page! Update: I forgot to mention: Happy Presidents' Day Weekend to everyone! If I see any good sales, you know I'll round them up, so stay tuned…Sales of note for 8.30.24
- Nordstrom – Summer Sale, save up to 60%
- Ann Taylor – 30% off full-price purchase; $99 jackets, dresses & shoes; extra 50% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50-70% off everything + extra 20% off
- Bergdorf Goodman – Final Days Designer Sale, up to 75% off; extra 20% off sale
- Boden – 20% off
- Brooks Brothers – Extra 25% off clearance
- Eloquii – Up to 60% off everything; extra 60% off all sale
- J.Crew – 40% off sitewide; extra 60% off sale styles
- J.Crew Factory – Extra 20% off orders $125+; extra 60% off clearance; 60%-70% off 100s of styles
- Lo & Sons – Summer sale, up to 50% off (ends 9/2)
- Madewell – Extra 40% off sale; extra 50% off select denim; 25% off fall essentials
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Rothy's – End of season sale, up to 50% off
- Spanx – Lots of workwear in the big sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – 25% off regular-price purchase; 70% off clearance
- White House Black Market – Up to 70% off sale
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And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
Tuesday
I’m going to southern CA for the weekend — flying into Santa Ana. Any must-sees or -dos?
We’d planned to be visiting someone, but that’s now not going to happen, so I haven’t done my usual research.
Merabella
I’m originally from that area. I highly suggest Laguna Beach – they have great galleries and the beach is beautiful. They have some tide pools as well that can be fun. It is GORGEOUS at sunset.
If you haven’t ever done it, Disney is a cool adventure – though really expensive. Downtown Disney is a good compromise – they have shopping/restaurants and occasionally live music/DJs.
Huntington Beach Pier is always fun – you can go to Rubys at the end and get milkshakes and old school burgers and watch all the people fishing/surfers.
[email protected]
I’m just going to throw out ideas:
Fashion Island is a nice mall near that area.
If you want gorgeous scenery, go to Corona Del Mar (beach).
Downtown Pasadena is cool.
Huntington Library, The Getty (there are two, both are great), and LA County Museum of Arts are all great museums to check out.
Santa Monica promenade and pier are always fun.
If you can get to the Central Coast (Pismo, Santa Barbara area) you can find some good wine tasting.
I’ve lived here all my life, so I know a little bit, but I’m sure there are others who can add a lot more!
KinCA
Welcome! Fashion Island is a beautiful outdoor mall nearby. I also suggest Laguna Beach as well.
A few restaurants in the area to consider:
-Splahes at the Surf & Sand Resort – can be pricey, but they have a GORGEOUS view. Best waterfront dining experience I’ve ever had.
-Sundried Tomato Cafe – a cute little Italian place in downtown Laguna, our go-to dinner spot.
-Javier’s is pretty good Mexican food and even better people watching.
-Bear Flag (in Laguna & Newport) is EXCELLENT. Fresh fish & seafood Mexican food there, and it’s a pretty casual/low key spot.
-Sprinkles Cupcakes in Corona del Mar – just because they’re delish.
I also recommend The Getty in LA & the Grove/Farmer’s Market is just a fun outdoor shopping experience as well. Also, downtown Pasadena is cute as well.
Have fun!
Tuesday
Thanks, ladies! I knew I could count on the hive to have some good ideas.
O.
We love O Fine Japanese Cuisine in Laguna. It has great sushi.
Mary Ann Singleton
Were any of you ‘r e t t e s at the Women 2.0 conference in SF yesterday?
westcoastlaw
Regular poster, anon for this.
Does anyone here feel like they have trouble with relationships/relating to other people? What strategies do you use to become more likeable and to make professional connections? I’ve recently received some feedback at work that I come across as aloof and need to “participate more” in the conversations around the office. I’m not sure what this looks like – I know I pull back, but it’s mostly because that pulling back (to work) makes me a more productive/accomplished person.
Fiona
I don’t know if this is the answer for you personally, but I’m quite introverted, so I find that it helps to ask other people about themselves. I’m not very good at jokey-jokey water cooler conversation, but I can definitely handle “How’s your family? Did your daughters have fun in the snow this weekend?” That kind of thing. The more you ask people about themselves, the more you’ll know about them and the more you’ll have to talk about. And follow up, too! If the answer to the snow question is that the six year old ran into a tree and ended up with stitches, ask how she’s feeling a week later, etc.
Houston Attny
I agree with this. You’re participating, showing you are interested in others, etc, without spilling the beans about all of your love life details or home life issues or whatever. You’re engaged without being super open. I’m pretty private and don’t want the world to know, for example, the details of my Valentine’s evening with my SO. I’m better at asking the questions.
Cb
This is a great idea! People love to talk about themselves.
Anon8
I’m not sure if I have concrete advice, but I can relate. I am not a people person at all and generally prefer to be alone, other than hanging with my close group of friend/family.
People always comment on how I’m quiet, b/c in a large group of people, I generally hang back and let everyone talk. I’m totally fine with this and enjoy listening to the conversations rather than actively participating.
Anyway, are these conversations around the office related to work/projects? Or just general chatting about non-work stuff?
It may be awkward, but you may just have to force yourself to make small talk. I sometimes ask people how their projects are coming along and we usually commiserate on how we’re all busy. For non-work stuff, you can ask how someone’s weekend was or did they watch such and such TV show etc.
Monday
The way you describe yourself, and feedback you’ve gotten, is very similar to me. I consistently score the absolute extreme on the introvert side of the scale, and people tell me (not necessarily in so many words) that I’m cold and distant. Chit-chatting can be miserable for me, so happy hours and other mingle-type situations are exhausting. At work I tend to be the one who just keeps her head down and goes straight home when everything’s done. This doesn’t necessarily serve me well, as you obviously know yourself.
What has worked for me:
1) Don’t emphasize to others that your withdrawn-ness makes you more accomplished and productive. I feel the same way about my own life, but it just doesn’t come across well to people who are more outgoing; it sounds like you’re saying they goof off. Try to find a value-neutral way of explaining your nature for situations when it comes up.
2) Watch how other people make small talk and socialize. It’s never going to be easy, and frankly you’ll probably never enjoy it, but it is a useful skill. You’re probably a great observer and listener, as most introverts are. Who do you know who seems to keep it real while working the room? How do they start and end conversations? What kinds of topics and jokes do they use? I had a friend in college who was one of those people who everyone instantly loves, and I learned a huge amount when I just decided “I’m going to try to figure out how to do what she does.” It’s ok to feel like you’re putting on a particular persona for these occasions–you probably are! I am!
2a) Watch talk show hosts, politicians, and screen heartthrobs being interviewed. I’m serious. Their life’s work is being likeable, so see what you notice about how they charm.
3) Accept that this is who you are and that activities like networking face-to-face are going to be one of the hardest aspects of your career. It’s ok if the office party is a million times more tiring for you than the day’s work–it’s a required activity that just happens to be more difficult for me than other things I have to do. You’ll stretch yourself within your capabilities to make other people comfortable, but also recognize the limitations on what you can do, and trust that others can too. You are not alone, and the world (and your office) needs all kinds of people.
Greener Apple
I really agree with your third point–accepting that it’s hard and that I need to do it anyway has been one of those Life Lessons.
I’m always working on balancing being productive on my own and being productive in a participatory/team-oriented culture. Coming out of an academic environment where making efforts to fit in would just get you mocked meant that on my first real job I felt like I’d joined a very competitive and aggressively friendly pack of wolves.
My main goal was just to stop (unintentionally) standing out as The Quiet One (aloof one, etc.). So I set goals for myself–e.g., I had to make eye contact and share a really basic greeting with everyone I passed in the hall–hey, hello, how are you, how’s it going. That seemed embarrassingly basic when I wrote it down as a goal, but it really made a difference in making sure others remembered me as someone who engaged and who was a part of the team.
That was a big leap for me to make–that it wasn’t about me or my personality or my preferred work habits. It was just old-school impression management.
anon for this
Also sounds a lot like me- I find myself seeming awkward in large group social situations, and prefer to let everyone talk and listen to the conversations.
Would be a huge help to get some tips on being more sociable/likeable for networking purposes.
In the past, I’ve been told I don’t seem “genuine,” which is silly, because if I am going to say something, I generally say exactly what I think of the subject, and I don’t hang around in conversations I don’t find interesting. People close to me know this very well- the comment has mostly come from acquaintences and not-very-close friends. Unsure what to do about that.
Olivia Pope
One useful realization for me is that I don’t have to network like an extrovert. I know plenty of people who love to work a room. I do not, and that’s okay. Instead, at a networking event my goal will be to speak to two or three people I don’t know. I aim to have these conversations one-on-one within the larger party. After that, I am free to leave.
Attaching myself to a room-worker is also useful. They do a lot of the heavy lifting for me. Other good pointers: make your default face a closed mouth smile and make lots of eye contact.
Those are all my tricks. I think they’re working, because many people who know me are surprised when I tell them I’m actually an introvert.
viv
A good portion of the time, make an effort to look like you are happy to see your co-workers. Smile at them and make eye contact. Say hello in the morning and give them a “see ya” when you leave at night. Notice what other people are into — TV shows can be the easiest conversation starter and a continuing connection. Try to let go of your nervousness or hide it, even if you are feeling that way. Nervous people make other people nervous. Just let go of trying to come across perfectly. The important thing is to relax and go for it. Organize a social outing even if it’s as small as asking if anyone else needs anything when you run out to get a cup of coffee, and would they like to come to? Also, remember birthdays, or just stop by someone’s office to ask how their weekend was. Find little ways to connect that are natural and doable and express genuine interest in others.
anon
find an improvisational theater class. Try community college or community theater programs.
Seriously, Improv is GREAT for this.
Anon
I love the idea of acting class.
Because I’d have to act in order to appear like I really like and am happy to see my coworkers when that is 99% not true for 99% of the time.
GMAT
Any recommendations for good GMAT study guides/programs?
momentsofabsurdity
IMO, any of the test prep companies are probably good if your goal is ~650 level score. If your goal is in the 700s, I was really impressed with the Manhattan GMAT materials.
BB
GMAT hacks math bible. I raised my score by 70-80 points (can’t remember my actual score now) just by doing all their practice problems. No experience with their verbal one though.
KinCA
Veritas Prep & Manhattan GMAT are supposed to be among the best test prep programs for the GMAT.
Midwest Transplant
Worked my way through the Manhattan GMAT study materials and scored quite well. I was a number of years out of school and many year since my last math class, so I really needed the refresher.
MJ
Manhattan plus the Official Guide. Get thee over to the businessweek.com forums for more specific advice. Good luck!
BC Woes
Ladies, what are the pros and cons of going off the pill? I’ve been on Ortho Tri Cyclen Lo for almost 10 years, and I have recently been contemplating going off it. My husband and I are not TTC (probably not for a few more years), but I just feel like 10 years is long enough to be on a daily pill. But I worry about the downsides. So far, here is my list of pros and cons:
Pro: No longer having to remember to take a pill everyday, allowing my body to return to its natural hormone levels, potential positive effect on migraines, potential weight loss
Con: Bad skin, period irregularity, need to use another form of BC or increase risk of getting pregnant, potential negative effect on migraines, potential weight gain
Anything else I’m not thinking about?
Thanks!
anonforthis
Not sure if this applies since you are looking to get off the pill completely, but I have migraines and I take Mircette. It’s a steadier dosage of hormones throughout the month made for people with migraines. Tri-cycle pills that have that dip in estrogen in the middle of the cycle can worsen migraines. And now that you say this, I realize I’ll have been on BCP for 10 years next year! Wow that’s crazy.
JessC
I have issues with menstrual headaches/migraines as well (not full-blown migraines, but really bad headaches that kind of behave like migraine). My doc put me on the generic of Seasonique. I love it. Other than only having 4 periods a year, when I do get my period it’s really light and short (I used to have rather long, heavy-flow periods) and I rarely get headaches anymore.
(Sorry if any of that was TMI)
No more migraines
This. I had migraines that were very closely tied to a certain point in my cycle when I was on Ortho-Tri Lo, so my OBGYN switched me to Seasonale and instructed me to skip the dummy pills. I haven’t had a period (just some spotting), hormonal mood swings, or a migraine in over a year and I absolutely love it.
AIMS
I have been on the pill since I was 18 and can’t say I notice this myself, but people here have commented that they s*x drive vastly improved when they went off of the pill, so that could be a potential pro? I would add heavier periods and potentially increased cramps, etc., to the con column.
Margaret
Yes, yes it did VASTLY improve. I’m never going back on hormonal BC again.
long time lurker
I stopped at age 35 because I have heart disease and strokes in my family and my blood pressure can tend to be a little high.
Effects of going off the pill: b()()bs immediately a bit smaller; lower blood pressure (yay!), chin acne, cramps and more PMS.
I don’t think I lost weight in a noticeably way beyond my chest (which was fine with me). My cramps are manageable – only really one day – with Alleve and exercise. Ditto PMS, exercise helps that. And, well, chocolate. The chin zits are not too bad, they are small and not cystic.
Don’t be surprised if you are irregular when you stop taking it. It took me 2 months to have a period.
I did used to get migraines, they were at their worst when I was a teenager, and slowly tapered off. I maybe get one a year. I can’t tie it to going off the pill, as they had been steadily decreasing as I got older.
Lyssa
On the cycles – I had a period 50 days out, then they stopped all together after getting off the pill. Word of warning – I thought (and my doctor’s nurse backed me up on this) that I probably couldn’t get pregnant since I hadn’t been having periods. This was not exactly correct, as my baby can attest. :)
long time lurker
Yes good point. I was careful to use protection during this time.
Sugar Magnolia
How is your baby doing Lyssa, and how are you with new motherhood? (Sorry if someone asked already, but I haven’t been around much the past week b/c I had a big project due at work)
anon
I went off the pill because I was having heart palpitations while on it. I don’t think any doctor believed me when I said my heart episodes were cyclical. (Strangely, the only doctor who listened to me was my chiropractor!) The month I went off, no heart problems. I didn’t feel comfortable on the pill anymore. I felt good that I was done with putting synthetic hormones into my body. I didn’t notice my periods get any heavier, but I do cramp a lot more now. I was also really moody on the pill, which stopped when I went off.
Blonde Lawyer
That happened to me with the patch. Doctors told me it couldn’t be from the patch. It went away when I stopped using it. I’m now back on BC (generic ortho-tri) and I don’t have any heart palp issues on it. I had to go back on it b/c my cycles were insane and I was sick for a full week each month to the point I couldn’t work. Now I’m starting to get bad headaches w/ my cycle and may need to switch yet again. I’m envious of the men.
Merabella
I went off the pill because I was tired of paying for it, and I got an IUD. I have had the non-hormonal IUD for 4 years, and I LOVE it. There was an adjustment period, but I can say it was the best thing I did.
anon
My experience is the same as the other ladies have said. I was on the pill from 18 to 29, always a monophasic formulation. Coming off it, my boobs got smaller, I got chin acne, I lost a little weight, I now get some cramps, period is heavier, somewhat more interest in LGPs but that could also be I’m getting less depressed, and I can actually feel my body doing its thing now. I know when I’m ovulating, which is really strange and kind of cool. The chin acne is definitely the worst part. I have one cystic one but since I haven’t had acne since I was 15, I don’t even know what to do about it.
jcb
I got off of the pill last fall after about 10-15 years on it, was also taking the Ortho Tricyclen Lo. Pros: sudden libido of a teenage boy; lost a few lbs.; my periods actually stayed about the same, except I naturally have a longer cycle (always was the case, pre-pill) so I have about an extra week in there between; it’s really nice not having to take that pill every day. Cons: bit of light acne at first, but that went away after dealing with little flare-ups here and there for 2-3 months (though I do notice I’m a little more prone now, if I forget to wash my face or mess with my skin); boobs are smaller (still a D cup, but less so than previously); I do think my PMS is a little worse, though just slightly (BF may disagree). I don’t have to worry about another form of BC though, so that might be more of a problem for you. I imagine that if I were with someone other than my BF, who is sterile, it could be anxiety-inducing, but for now I much prefer being off the pill.
Olivia Pope
You sound like a good candidate for an IUD.
BC Woes
Thank you for all the responses. This is very helpful!
momentsofabsurdity
Okay R e t t e s — what are your big weekend plans?
Mine involve 3 houseguests (though I just heard from one that she won’t be able to make it — I’m actually surprised at how bummed I am), and we’ll be doing a mini tour of my city, going to a friend’s birthday party, and working out. And hopefully squeezing some time in there to do my taxes and to finish grad school financial aid applications.
What about everyone else?
Happy Anon
Well, since you asked…driving to see my long-distance SO. Yay! And meeting his mom. Gasp! I have every reason to believe she is a lovely woman, and with one major exception I’ve always gotten along well with the mothers of my boyfriends, but I’m still awfully nervous.
Sugar Magnolia
Good luck! I am sure she will adore you as much as he does!
Happy Anon
Thanks, Sugar Magnolia! It went great. She is wonderful, and we got along beautifully. It also had the added bonus of making me a little more sure about my relationship with my SO. I know that this isn’t necessarily logical, but my ex had a terrible relationship with his mom, and his mom hated me. My ex has a personality disorder, and I can’t help but blame his mom for at least part of that. Seeing that my new guy is very sweet to his mom (as she is to him) and that she actually likes me makes me feel even better about what I have with my guy!
Calibrachoa
Office time *sigh* But, I will still endeavour to go out on Saturday since my Taller Half is doing a DJ set; so there will be dancing and drinks and all that on the menu too. Looking forward to it, there’s a brand new DJ I’ve never heard before but who comes recommended on the lineup, too.
Anon for this
Interview for my dream job tomorrow– they are in such a hurry to fill the position they are doing interviews on a Saturday. Waiting impatiently for someone to call me with the number I’m supposed to call to let them know I’m there so I can be let into the building . . . argh.
M-C
Congratulations :-)! And good luck for the actual interview. Allow plenty of extra time for get-into-the-building potential mishaps though..
Anon for this
Thanks! I was sitting here worrying about whether the phone number they gave me was going to work when I got another call just double-checking that I had the right number. I’m envisioning a multitude of things going wrong with this scenario that I’m sure are the least of my worries, but I am a worrier :-)
Susie
Saturday I’m doing my usual 90 min spin class then going to see the new Die Hard (Yipee ki yay!), Sunday maybe do a long run and plan out my training for my next 50k race. Otherwise I have to catch up on my reading for my LLM class and usual weekend household chores (laundry, grocery shopping, light cleaning).
Merabella
Bruce Willis is in my top 5, always has been always will. This is only slightly weird because he could totally be my dad, but man is he hot.
momentsofabsurdity
50K race?? Tell me you meant 5K.
Also I can barely sweat through a 60min spin class, I’m impressed you can handle 90min!
Susie
No you heard that right, 50k and approx 6700′ elevation gain. I’m targeting a race in July in No. CA if anyone wants to join the fun.
just Karen
Wow. I didn’t know that there were races longer than a marathon… I am a little in awe.
Die Hard Fan
SO took me to see it for Valentine’s Day since he knew that was my idea of a romantic date movie. Enjoy!
Sydney Bristow
My boyfriend and I watched Commando. The original plan was to go see Die Hard but decided to stay home instead.
Die Hard Fan
Excellent choice for a substitute.
Herbie
Bruce Willis was my Valentine’s date. Gotta love some Die Hard.
NOLA
We don’t have a holiday weekend (just had Mardi Gras and our students are still on break). I’m cooking tonight because we have two funerals at the church with big families who need food. I’m singing at one of the funerals tomorrow morning – half of one of my favorite older couples – a really cool and sweet guy and it will be really hard. After that, just a usual weekend – errands, gym, stuff around the house, hoping my SO will be able to make it in, although we’ve already seen each other twice this week (never enough).
Silvercurls
Sorry about your loss. Wishing you strength while singing tomorrow. (You probably already know this– the surviving spouse/partner will be glad to hear your comment about the recently departed half.)
NOLA
Thanks. His surviving spouse knows how much I thought of her husband and I sent my condolences to the family through her brother as soon as I heard. We talked pretty often and I cooked for them when he was ill. I’m looking forward to meeting his three granddaughters. I feel like I already know them because he spoke so glowingly and lovingly about them. He would tell me all about their incredible talents in softball and volleyball and I would tease him about missing church to attend all of their sporting events. I’m sure they’re devastated.
Miss Behaved
Going up to my sister’s rental house in NH to ski with my nieces. I’m leaving in about 40 minutes and I’m not coming back until Tuesday afternoon/evening.
I can’t wait. I haven’t seen the girls in over a month.
JessC
Going to the state fair tonight with my best ladyfriend and her fiancee. Laziness during the day tomorrow. Dinner with my dad in the evening because he so sweetly offered to take me out for Valentine’s Day and I asked if we could go Saturday to avoid the ridiculousness. Church Sunday morning and then brunch afterwards with some ladies I was in a bible study with (yaaay for making new ladyfriends!).
Mary Ann Singleton
Some work, a few bike rides, and I’m going to see Top Gun at the IMAX theater. I’m sure people will be singing along.
Herbie
Date with The Very Cute Gentleman Caller tonight. Maybe meeting up with some ladyfrayns at a dog-friendly patio bar tomorrow afternoon for an animal adoption event. Tomorrow night, out with friends from high school I haven’t seen tomorrow. Sunday, probably brunch and then doing a little work in the afternoon. And I’m practically salivating at the idea of spending some quality time with Patti Stanger while I’m on the elliptical.
KinCA
Going to Napa with my boyfriend to celebrate Valentine’s Day/my upcoming birthday, which is a week or so away. I’m getting through this very hectic workday by telling myself I’ll have a giant glass of pinot in front of me this time tomorrow.
OpposingCounsel
Taking son to karate, daughter to music class, working out, doing laundry, general household accomplishment… I live on the edge.
ANP
Breezy weekend, mostly spent visiting with friends who want to meet our 3-week-old son :)
Cb
That sounds fun! I’m going to the farmer’s market with a friend this am and then having a picnic with the gentleman caller. It’s only going to be about 50 today if we’re lucky so the picnic may end up in the pub but we both wanted to enjoy the first rain-free weekend day we’ve had in ages. Tomorrow, I’m meeting some of his family (eeks) and need to squeeze in some work in at some point.
Anon for This
Ladies I could use some advice. I’m so frustrated with just about everything right now. I had an insane morning at work and the last minute expectations are driving me nuts. Plus my boyfriend and I are probably not working anymore… we agreed to stay together and to try some new things to see how they go but I just feel done today. I don’t want to speak to him and I feel like I’m emotionally disconnecting from him (but when we are speaking to each other, I remember how much I love talking to him) but lately, I haven’t had any desire to go out of my way to call him or anything.
I just don’t know what to do anymore…
Ellen
Don’t worry. As my dad says: “Men! Can’t live with ’em, can’t live without ’em!” I think I have PROOVEN him wrong b/c I have lived to live without them–at least Mr. Sheketovits I have put in the rear view Mirror! YAY!!!!!
You will learn this lesson to! You don’t need him emotionaly and therefor will do better w/o him! I learned this with Alan, then with the host of loosers I have had try to date me. I supose there is some one out there who is NOT a looser, but I have not found him yet.
Dad wants me to get married soon b/c he wants to move to NC and teach at DUKE, but he said it is more important that someone be here to take care of me b/f he goes for good down there with mom.
Dad is very pleased that I have lost more wieght, and that my tuchus is now under control. He says the fit bit is the best investment he ever made with MY money! Yay! I wonder if he thinks the fitbit is what got me in troubel with GONZALO!
So the manageing partner now says that he will have the construction peeople do a second overhead runner to the pool house so that he can qualify for INSURANCE, but I am sckepticel. Is there ANYONE in the HIVE that knows about State Farm Insurance? Are they easy to get claim’s approvved? I do not have insurance for my condo b/c it is in DAD’s name I think he has some of his own. I do NOT have anything worth insureing anyway. Just alot of old shoe’s, dresse’s and other stuff that I could loose and not even care about anyway’s! FOOEY!
So I wish the hive a great LONG weekend. Myrna and I are going to try again to meet Roberta for DELI again in the BRONX! YAY!!!!! But there better not be another snow storm. DOUBEL FOOEY on that!!!!!
anon
I am so sorry. Is enjoying talking to your BF but not wanting to do it part of a larger pattern of not doing things that you typically enjoy? If so, perhaps you could benefit from talking to a therapist. The past few weeks at work for me have been frustrating (complete with last minute expectations), so also sending you some commiseration and hugs.
mascot
Honestly, there are days I don’t feel like speaking to DH when I am super stressed with work. I think it’s normal to need some space. Let the work stress die down a bit and then look the relationship again with fresh eyes and fresh ideas.
Houston Attny
Agreed. Someone on the morning comments thread mentioned something about being disappointed with her V-Day gift and boyfriend, and a wise soul suggested separating those things and not evaluating relationship in the light of the V-Day gift. Sometimes, it takes some time to sort through what is really stressing you – is it BF? Is it work? Is it both? What about the relationship? Perhaps journal these miscellaneous thoughts (even save in draft in e-mail) so you can sort through it all later when you feel clearer. In the meantime, sending hugs your way. :)
Homestar
We did a three-month trip before grad school and totally enjoyed it. I don’t see why you need to take the whole year, if a shorter (but still long) summer or spring trip would be an option. My SO and I ditched our apartments and took a three month road trip across the country. We spent less on hotels and camping than we had been spending on the rent for our two places. (We were not living together at the time.) Our parents stored our stuff. We totally enjoyed it and it didn’t take that much money. We did have a paid-off car, which helped.
Homestar
This was meant for “Year Off?” not sure how it ended up here.
An
Ugh, why do some of my coworkers insist on being on multiple telecons at the same time? They’re not busy all the time, so I don’t see why they just don’t decline or reschedule a meeting. It wastes everyone’s time. I hope this does not become a professional trend.
Michelle
Obviously their time is more valuable than anyone else’s :-). Hey do they get to double bill?.
Anon
I don’t even know how that is even possible!
Year off?
I’m heading to law school in the fall, and so is my SO. We have both been working for 2-3 years. SO recently brought up deferring for a year and using the time to travel the world. I’m torn. On one hand, I would LOVE to travel while we have no real obligations or time constraints, and we probably won’t have the opportunity again until we retire. On the other hand, a year seems like a long time to postpone everything.
My SO feels like he missed out on a lot of the craziness of college since he was always the responsible one, and he likes the idea of taking time to explore the world (geographically that is, he isn’t interested in “sowing his wild oats”) before settling down. I, on the other hand, am a little anxious to start school so I can have a few years or working under my belt before we start a family.
SO isn’t 100% sold on the idea either, but he asked me to take a few weeks and give it some serious thought. I am totally lost. Any advice?
eeyore
Do it. Law school is miserable. Sorry to be a downer; trying to be honest.
Sad Lawyer
+ 1 Million
SFBayA
DO IT. Even if law school isn’t miserable (I didn’t find it to be), actually being a lawyer is grinding. Take the time off. You may never be able to do it again. I wish I had.
bgo
This. I actually had a great time in law school (though I went to school in New Orleans so that had a lot to do with it) but being a full time lawyer is grinding and draining. And taking time off is generally very, very hard. Travel now. School isn’t going anywhere, work is n’t going anywhere
viclawstudent
Do it. Both my SO and I are soon-to-be lawyers, and we’ve talked about trying to find a time to take some time out and travel … and are realizing that doing so when we’re actually in the process of starting out in our careers will be really problematic. It wouldn’t have worked for us in a timing sense, but I wish we’d had the opportunity and the forethought to do it before going to school, even if it delayed everything.
ABC
I wish I had too. I actually liked law school (much, much more so than practicing law), but I went straight through from undergrad and wish that I would have taken some time off to be carefree and travel.
Plan B
This.
big dipper
Do it. I’m about to graduate from law school. I graduated from college, spent one year working, and then went straight to school. I’ve been with my boyfriend forever and we’re going to get married in the next 2 years, most likely.
I should be excited about starting my “real life” but instead I feel terror at the fact that there seems to be nothing new or spontaneous ahead of me, ever again. While all my friends were dating around, traveling the world, hopping from internship to internship or job to job, doing cool volunteer work abroad, etc – I’ve been settled down, working hard at school and working on my relationship.
I feel like everything is decided and I’ll never do anything new or exciting – that I’ll be married to the same person for the rest of my life, working the same job for the rest of my life, tied down in the same place. And I regret never did anything crazy, or surprising, or more “fun” in my past now that my future feels locked in.
Obviously this is personal to me – but your BF sounds a lot like me. I was very responsible and “adult” in my early twenties, and I’m starting to feel like I missed out on a period to find myself and experiment with new things. Honestly, it’s been causing me a lot of anxiety and stress. So I say do it – you won’t regret it!
Saacnmama
You are setting yourself up for way more opportunities than you are passing up. People who spend their 20s like you are wind up in the position to negotiate sweet deals for themselves in their 30s and beyond. Getting financially solid means you can afford to take many more vacations in the future rather than looking back on a crazy fun past getting ever more distant in the rearview.
lawsuited
Do it. Once you start law school, you will never have that kind of time again, and it sucks.
momentsofabsurdity
I would go because as you said, you probably won’t get another chance like this for many years. And I think traveling is hugely important life experience.
That said – how are you going to fund this? Is eating into savings then taking on a bunch of debt a good idea?
One option if you are okay with being separated is that you start, travel to wherever he happens to be during breaks, and he takes a year.
Bee
The funding was my question. If you both have free rides, family money, etc., then great, go enjoy your travels! But don’t throw a ton of money at a year-long round-the-world vacation and then each take on six figures of debt that requires you to have a job you hate post-law school because you can’t pay the loans with a lower salary. One vacation is not worth 10 years of indentured servitude.
Year off?
I have a fairly substantial amount of savings (I was fortunate enough to not have to pay undergrad tuition), so I wouldn’t go into debt for the trip itself. I will have to take on some debt tuition-wise anyway (too much in savings for financial aid, not enough savings to pay everything), so I could stomach adding a reasonable amount more.
But then again, I haven’t even begun looking at costs yet. I have no idea what traveling for 6 or 8 or 12 months would cost (and I would likely continue working until we leave, rather than quitting my job in July).
Blonde Lawyer
Though in her defense I’d argue a year of traveling the world does not equal one vacation. Also, if she is going to be up to her eyeballs in debt anyway and shooting for 25 year forgiveness than does it really matter if she blows through her savings and takes out more loans for living expenses during school? If she can avoid loans or can swing the 10 year payment plan with loans if she doesn’t do the trip then I say don’t do the trip. If she can afford both equally or will need big loans no matter what then I say do it.
adventurer
As someone who went to law school young and was always the responsible one, i wish i had the foresight to consider an adventure before law school just like your SO. I’ve often felt like I just entirely missed out on my 20s because of how hard working i was in school, the part time jobs i always juggled, and then law school, and then how time consuming big law life has been since. I will tell you, if he feels that way now, he probably will only feel that way more and more as time passes. You both don’t necessarily have to follow the same path for this one year of life if you think you’re ready for different things, but definitely take his interests and concerns seriously. I doubt its a passing phase.
kc esq
Is there a middle ground? Like travel for a few months before starting law school?
Meg Murry
Yeah, what about right now or this summer? Rather than take the whole year off, what if you just stopped working soon and go travel for a few months, rather than deferring and taking a whole year.
Although is your SO thinking about deferring because he isn’t 100% sure he wants to go to law school? Its a valid concern before he takes on such a large debt, and one that should be considered.
JessC
I agree with this approach. If you continue to work through the end of next month and can get all the planning taken care of, that’ll buy you a solid 3-4 months of travel time. It’s enough time to travel, see stuff, though maybe not everything. Maybe I’m weird, but the idea of just traveling and being aware from home/friends/family for a solid 12 months just doesn’t sound appealing.
Also, while I understand Blonde Lawyer’s point above, from the perspetive of currently being saddled with a crushing amount of debt, if I’d had money before law school to off-set a significant portion of the debt and just blew a chunk of it on a trip for sh*ts and giggles I would probably be kicking myself right now.
b23
I agree. A year is an awfully long time, and I honestly cannot imagine how much that would cost. And I would be really ready to be home by the end of it, even though I don’t really consider myself a homebody. I did six weeks in Europe and was ready to get home. Of course, we were moving cities every 2 or 3 nights, so it would be different if you’re staying in one place for months.
Anyway, I think 3 to 4 months is enough time, especially when you consider that you really will have another opportunity to do it after law school — y0ur bar trip. Again, it won’t be a full year, but it’ll be another opportunity to see an exotic part of the world for weeks.
Gail the Goldfish
Don’t, however, count on having a bar trip. Who knows, the economy might implode and you’ll end up with a totally different job that pays way less than you expected and starts two weeks after the bar in a different state.
(I had such wonderful bar trip plans… *sigh*)
Anonymous
Do it if you can reasonably afford it. Being an interesting, worldly person will serve you very very well in life, including as a lawyer. And being one year older will not hurt you in law school. If you can’t do it, perhaps agree to spend the 1st year summer traveling or doing a study abroad program together (or both). You would not be missing out on important job-getting opportunities, and may be creating one.
anonforthis
My sister did a study-abroad law program her first year after law school and it was awesome for her! She did 5 weeks in Venice and then the rest of the summer traveling around various capitals. Now she’s seen a lot of europe (gone there other times as well) she goes on more exotic vacations.
Alice
IMO, you should do it. You are right, you won’t ever get that time again, and one year is only one year. When you are 65, will you reallybe regretting that you started your first job at 29 instead of 30? Or had your first child at 34 rather than 35?
I took 3 years off between undergrad and law school, and it has been a definite trade-off. This might out me, but I spent one year working abroad, travelling as much as possible, and two years being a ski/mountain bum. And I do feel the crunch of just now starting to work, while feeling that I’d like to start a family with my SO in 3 years or so, and wondering if everything will really work out. That is definitely a very real concern.
Regardless, I wouldn’t give up those 3 years for anything. First, because travelling when you retire will be great, but it will be a fundamentally different experience than doing it in your twenties. Second, because having that time to reflect on made law school so much better for me. I had a wonderful time, but by the end, I was really craving actually building a career, rather than simply working to play. I actually reminded myself of those feelings when law school felt overwhelming and horrible. And living with people who were choosing a very different path in life than I was (ski bums and lifelong wanderers), I was better able to see going to law school as a choice I was making of my own volition rather than just the next step in in a pre-determined path. In sum, it gives you great perspective.
And another thing to consider, is your SO. If he feels like he missed out on “sowing his (geographic) oats” now, think of how he may feel in five years. This could be a great experience for you two together, and an invaluable way to grow and strengthen your relationship before you head into a more seriuos and stressful period in your life.
And one last thing. You seem very focused, hard-working, and goal-oriented. Fabulous in a lawyer! But it might feel really empowering to do something kind of crazy, just this once.
Sorry so long! Good luck figuring things out…
Alice
And I do see the typos. Oops.
Anon
This.
I took 2 years off to work and another to teach abroad and often wish I had been able to do the long travel then but didn’t have the funds to do so (I guess I could have raided the Roth or something), as the reality is that travel when you’re older comes with challenges and limitations you don’t necessarily have as a 20 something year old. I realized this when I travelled with my mother (mid 50s) last summer as a young professional.
For example, when you’re 25 and you have a male travel companion, you can stay out longer, stay in cheaper lodgings, wing it, go trekking, backpack, etc.
While I stayed in a hostel in 2011 in London b/c of moot court budget purposes, I realized I do not like cheapy lodgings anymore, and that that 50-yo have travel/energy limitations, etc.
Before this website, one lawyer told me: “law school will always be there.” This remains true, and the longer you distance your graduation date from 2008, the better it may be job wise.
Anon
So true. In my early 20s, I was ok with cheap hostels and carrying everything in a backpack. In my late 30s, I’d be miserable traveling like that.
a.
This is exactly the post I was going to write, except that I’m still experiencing my joke of a year “working” abroad. I have 3.5 months to go here, assuming everything goes according to plan and I get accepted to grad school (fingers crossed)–and while I am so grateful and thankful that I’ve had this time, and the opportunity to fulfill some lifelong goals along the way, it has also made me realize that I am so. ready. for a long-term career.
So to the OP, you should go. You will probably regret it later if you don’t, and you are extremely unlikely to have this opportunity in a few years (student loans, maybe a mortgage, kids, etc.). DO IT.
Cat
From the family timing perspective, I will say that is the only reason I regret going straight through from college to LS. Nearing 30 and considering having a baby as a 6th-year is more complicated career-wise than had I been nearing 30 and considering having a baby as a (more interchangeable) 3rd-year. So waiting may not be the negative you think it will be.
(That said, going straight through ALSO meant that I was able to pay back my $175K in loans and start saving for kiddo’s college before we are going to start trying, which was definitely something I wanted to do before having a baby… so there would have been a downside and upside either way.)
As others have suggested, one compromise would be to take as many trips as possible while in school. You’ll never have a 3 week winter break, spring break or 2-3 weeks on either side of a summer job again… so use them wisely!!
qwerty
Can you elaborate on your perspective on 6th v. 3rd year complications? I’m not thinking about family timing yet, but I also went to law school early and, from my humble 4th year associate POV, it looks like 6th+ year associates really get boatloads of flexibility that I can’t even fathom.
LH
I’m a lowly 2nd year but I would be interested in hearing this too.
anon
Yes, me too. 5th year, 31 this year. We’ll probably TTC next year, when I’m a 6th year.
Cat
Here are the concerns, in no particular order.
Being out on maternity leave as a 6th year, then returning as a tired new mom is tricky because:
1. If you’re thinking about going in-house, which many 5th and 6th years are, you become That Female Associate if you depart soon after returning from leave (or interview while on leave and never come back). Many women do this but as we’ve discussed here before, it often makes life worse for the other female associates and so it’s something I’d rather not do. BUT I’d also rather not be taking maternity leave very quickly after arriving in-house, having not yet established myself in the new role yet. Marissa Mayer I am not, sorry.
2. If you’re thinking about shooting for partner, these are the years to start really ramping up, visibility and networking-wise. More difficult while very pregnant / with a new baby.
3. As a current 5th year, I have lots of client contacts that reach out directly to me with questions and projects now. As a younger associate, I was always only a “cc” at best and there were others who were always totally up to speed on everything I was handling. Now, if I’m out for an afternoon there’s a sea of emails that only I can answer – more stressful. However, I like having that kind of responsibility and it would be harder to press “pause” now than before I had it.
Need to focus on work but I’ll give this more thought, and in the meantime would appreciate people telling me to stop worrying and go for it already :)
Nutter
What do you consider to be a respectable time back after a maternatiy leave before departing for a new job? Like two months, six months or a year? I’m honestly asking.
Cat
would partly depend on how long I took. I’d get 3 mos. paid and could tack on another month of vacation time. With that I’d want to stay at least 6mos to 1yr. If I took advantage of my firm’s willingness to have a longer leave (6 mos or so) I would say more like a year.
Nutter
Thanks for your thoughts. It’s been three months back after a four month leave for me, and my dream job opened at another entity, which I’ve stalked for like three years. It would be a totally separate “type” of work (out of litigation, into a 9 to 5), but I’m obviously sensitive about this issue. I hate the message it sends, but the timing isn’t anything more than concidence. Assuming I even get the job (that’s a big assumption), I’d probably leave after 4 months back at the job. I’ve worked in the same firm since graduation, so I’m sensitive to keeping my reputation in tact here.
Cat
Nutter – totally understandable. I struggle myself with knowing that men/women with and without children leave for in-house positions at the same stage, so of course it shouldn’t matter whether you’ve been on leave recently because statistically I would probably be leaving anyway… with knowing that people do pay attention to those circumstances and not wanting my lasting memory at the firm to be “she had a baby and left.”
qwerty
All of that seems totally valid and I get your perspective and why it seems easier as a more junior associate; but I will tell you that the 6th+ year associates always are important enough to have their personal schedules and vacation time dictate briefing schedules and other significant scheduling events. Meanwhile, my personal schedule and vacation time still needs to be cancelled in order to accommodate the briefing schedule the 6th+ year associate chose (even though all a long, I am doing and always was the one intended to be doing all the work/writing). So frustrating.
LH
Do it! While I was one of the weirdos who actually enjoyed law school (academically at least, not socially), and I love my job now, you will never have this much free time again so definitely use it to travel as much as you can afford. I’ve traveled a lot for a person my age and I still wish I had done so much more before starting work.
Also in Academia
Do it! Although I love my friends from grad school, one of my big regrets is not taking a year to do something crazy (well, crazy for me) like travel, teach English somewhere, whatever. Looking back, a year would have been nothing in terms of my career, and I imagine as I get older a year will seem like even less time.
Michelle
Do it! You will never ever have another chance to do this and if you can afford a year off it will be the experience of a lifetime.
Admin
Do it! I rushed through law school as well, for all the same reasons (needed to get the requisite years of practice in before starting a family, etc.). Once you start to practice, you realize how much time there is between 26 (starting your practice) and 65 (ending your practice). I actually got good advice on this when I was deciding whether to go part-time after I had my first. A partner advised that at 30 or so you feel like you have to hurry up and keep ticking off your life “goals” – (law school, partnership track, non-equity, equity), but that at 60, you realize how easy it would have been to have taken a few years to enjoy your family and life outside the firm.
tl; dr – life is long (hopefully), and being a lawyer is a long career (hopefully). The clients/cases will start to blend together after a while, but that trip never will.
Merri
Do it. I don’t think you will ever regret taking the trip, but you might regret not taking it.
Anon
I took two years off between college and law school and lived abroad. It was the best decision I could have made.
Calibrachoa
Regret what you did, not what you didn’t do! :D My first boss once told me something I’ve always kept close to my heart – “The only mistakes I regret are the ones I did not make.”
Sugar Magnolia
Do it! Please. I had a real life and took years between undergrad and law school. During that time, I became a paralegal in a very small firm with a ton of flexibility and spent weekends and all my vacation time traveling around the country.
My law school classmates had a much narrower perspective on life and work if they went straight through or only took a year or two off. I lived my life.
And that life experience has made me a terrific lawyer. My only regret is that I only traveled in the continental US and a few islands. I would have done Europe if I had more money.
You have the money and the time. A year is nothing in the grand scheme of things.
Susie
Wow I am very surprised by how on-board everyone is. I think from a practical perspective I definitely would not put law school off a whole year. I can see deferring a year to work and raise money for school. I can see taking a grand vacation before starting law school. Maybe spend a year in one new location and find work there. But not a year off travel the world, unless you are fortunate to have a lot of family money or something. Not that it doesn’t sound cool, and different strokes and all, but I would not be comfortable putting myself in that situation financially.
Alice
You are probably right, it’s not the practical decision.
But, I do have to say, while traveling the world can cost a lot of money, it doesn’t have to. My cousin and his wife bought a one year “Around the World” plane ticket and took, basically, a year-long honeymoon. They traveled cheaply and spent the majority of their time in places with a low cost of living (think Laos, Nepal). They did not go into debt and do not have family money.
Susie, you raise a really good point as to the difference between working and traveling abroad. I think there is really a fundamental difference between traveling abroad and living somewhere abroad for an extended period of time, even if just a month or two. If you don’t want to work work, there are great ways programs, formal and informal, that let give you free lodging (and maybe food) if you volunteer at certain places (think, working the crush season at a winery in Portugal).
And as a side note, a lot of shoestring travelers I know are able to score cheap month or two month or three month rentals in a desired country (often outside of cities, where it is cheaper) and thus have a “home base” from which to become familiar with the area and customs and take mini-trips elsewhere.
Sorry for yet another long post. I may or may not be living vicariously. But the point is, there are ways to live abroad or travel abroad that don’t cost an arm and a leg.
Need to Improve
I don’t think money should be a significant consideration. Traveling can be cheaper than living in your home city. If you are not paying rent at home, a day of traveling around Guatemala or India is going to be way cheaper than a day of living at home. Sure, you are not earning money while you travel, but you probably would not be earning money while in law school. If you are doing shoestring travel, it’s not going to set you back a whole lot. I did a 4 1/2 month trip before law school for near to nothing (esp. compared to the price of law school and debt the OP likely will incur) and a 3 month trip after clerking and before I started my firm job, and both were great decisions that I do not regret at all, especially not financially.
Hannita
Do it! I moved to South America for four years post-undergrad, and now I’m halfway through my 1L year. I’ve had so many other people in my class say their dream is to move to a foreign country for a few years, or to travel the world for a year…how are you going to do that once you graduate with tons of loans? Do it while you’re young and don’t mind roughing it a bit, and can afford to go to places and not need to eat out at nice restaurants, stay at nice hotels, etc. My cousin and her bf just got back from a year-long trip around the world. They stayed at hostels, took overnight buses and Ryan Air flights in Europe, were super careful with any purchases, food, etc, and also did a program where you work at a b&b or hostel or whatever in exchange for room and board. So they stayed at a b&b and did some gardening & painting, and then had all afternoon free in some beautiful little French town. They did this a few other places in Europe, too. Can’t recall the name, but you can probably google it. Anyways, doing things like that helped w/ costs if they wanted to extend their time places. I think they did Ireland, lots of Europe, Morocco, Turkey, India, Thailand, Vietnam, Laos, Japan, Cambodia…
Jordan
I took an extra year and worked. If you have money to do that, I don’t see why you wouldn’t as long as there is no detrimental impact on scholarships etc. Sounds awesome.
Plan B
Not only should you do this, but I want to go back 20+ years and do it as well.
Amy H.
Seconded!
Anon
Do this, or at least some variation of it (ie quit now and travel from March to August). Be responsible with the funding/budget, but go. Roam. Explore. Working at a law firm can be thrilling, but it also can be exhausting. I’m so glad I took time in my 20s to see the world. I still love travel, but there’s nowhere I feel like I NEED to go any time soon — which is good, since I’m expecting my first hild (as a 6th yr assoc in biglaw — it’s not so bad) later this year and presumably will be staying put for the next few years juggling baby and the last push for partnership. Plus, I have amazing stories from my travels in my younger days. They make me a more interesting person and help me to remember — there’s more to me than this law thing, even when I’ve worked a string of 20 hr days.
Go. Have fun.
Saacnmama
Does it have to be exactly this choice? What about quitting early enough to get in some adventures before starting? I’m guessing you have enough savings to do this and for law school, or you wouldn’t be considering the travel. Still, looking what people in this site say about job opportunities, I don’t think having that money means you need to spend it. I don’t want to be a downer, just think there are ways you can get the break you need without setting yourself back a whole year just before starting a lengthy and costly undertaking.
Saacnmama
Just read through all the other responses. I wasn’t going to mention the “when you’re 65” aspects, but see someone else did raise them, so….
Looking at my parents’ situation now and the things they can afford to do is, to me, one heck of a strong argument for immersing yourself in work and family while you’re young. 10 years since retirement, a nice winter home in a gated community they love, a couple trips per year, and this is lasting way longer than the trip you’re thinking of now.
I’ve traveled quite a bit because of my work. My field means that research can take me someplace for a couple weeks or a year. My involvement in those places is much more intense than if I’d been a tourist. If you really want to get into other places, most professions offer ways to work somewhere else and have a life there. Of course you have to be responsible at your job then, but I’ve always enjoyed going overseas and setting up shop, because there’s so much baggage I leave at home. Since you’re just starting law school, you could choose your specialty according to the places you are likely to travel/live while practicing. Unless you like being a tourist, which is also valid.
anon
I worked for three years, then traveled and worked/ volunteered abroad for a year before law school. Seven years later, I can say that I have absolutely no regrets. Don’t go into huge extra debt, but if you can swing it, do it! Bartending in Honduras, volunteering in Jordan, and temping in Slovakia have all made my resume/ interview experiences much more interesting too. A touch of fellowship funding made it much more possible for me.
Boston 1L
I was only scanning through the replies and obviously don’t have the perspective post-law school. However, I’d be concerned with whether you can defer. I know that many schools allow it for compelling reasons only. While you may be able to do so, I’d suggest looking into the feasibility of deferring for a year before getting too invested! (This is assuming that you mean deferring starting for a year at a specific school rather than applying again next year – in which case, be careful of turning down schools and reapplying as well as applying from abroad.) It can also affect scholarship.
Good luck!
NYC Meet Up
NYC r3tt3 meet up! Let’s plan on March 27 at 8PM; Grey Dog’s Chelsea (W 16th St btwn 7th/8th Aves).
Parker - Boardroom Belles
Kat, beware of OTK styles! I bought a pair a few years back, made sure it was amazing quality, made sure it fit me right – hunted for my dream pair for weeks. In the end, the suede ended up stretching and the boot started sliding off me constantly. Nothing worked – took it to a cobbler and had the boot sewn tighter, gave it to a friend with thicker thighs. In the end we just figured if it’s suede and over the knee (where it will have some wiggle room simply because its a joint and it moves a lot), it will slouch (and in that case be otk no longer). I think this could work with somewhat stiffer leather, but be careful!
NOLA
Yeah, I bought a pair of OTK boots with a cuff (really only the cuff was OTK) and the cuff flapped so much, it was annoying. They were also suede. I thought about going to a cobbler and having the flap tacked down but the boots looked way too pirate-y so I returned them.
Susie
My office is pretty casual but I was a little shocked to see someone in legging & OTK boots the other day. I did not find it appropriate.
To LLBMBA
If you have an email address where I could message you about jobs, please let me know. Thanks!
LLBMBA
Noted! I don’t have an anonymous email address but will create one and send to you (just can’t do it from work as am blocked from all email creating-sites).
LLBMBA
Done! [email protected]
If I don’t hear from you, I’ll post again early in the week.
LLBMBA
stuck in moderation:
Done! LLBMBA[this site name]@gmail.com
Will post again if I don’t hear from you soon.
not well traveled
I need to vent a little. My husband and I have been married for 3.5 years. In that time, we have taken one big vacation (a week in the Caribbean in 2010). We’ve taken a few weekend trips, but in general we don’t travel much. I really want to travel more but I can’t ever seem to get my husband on-board. It’s not that he doesn’t want to go, but he keeps deferring it. He says we’ll go next year, or the next year, or the next. Well, that has happened several years in a row now. Or, he more or less rejects any place I suggest. South America? “I want to learn Spanish.” France? “I want to learn French.” Mexico? “We’ll get murdered.” Europe? “We need more money for that.” and so on. I just get bummed when I really want to travel and vacation, and he is just a downer about it. We have the money. This is further aggravated by Facebook Travel Envy, in which I see my news feed blowing up with pictures from Morocco, Paris, Australia, and everywhere else.
I’m not sure if I am being unreasonable or not. I obviously can’t make my husband go somewhere he doesn’t want to go, but does anyone have any ideas for compromising on some of this? I don’t even know where to start.
cc
Start going on your own! Or with a girlfriend. Pick a date far in the future and say husband, I want to go to _____ on this date. Here are some great hotels, events, etc. I will plan everything, can you get the time off vacation and do you want to come? If not is there a different time or place you’d prefer? If the answer is none of these I am going to see if Marie wants to plan the trip with me instead.
a.
Yup. Your husband is not the only human in the world you can travel with.
Happy Anon
Could you plan a trip for yourself? Take the initiative to get yourself somewhere you really want to go. Tell him that traveling is important to you, and it doesn’t seem to be important to him. Would it be more fun with him? Absolutely! But getting away by yourself is better than not doing something you really want to do at all. Maybe he’ll even understand that this is something you want badly enough to do without him and decide to come along this time or the next time.
InfoGeek
If he wants to learn a language, there are immersion schools in Central & South America that are really reasonably priced and which offer time in the day for tourism and/or volunteering. I first saw them mentioned on spanish.about.com. You can also travel before or after the class sessions.
How would he feel if you traveled without him — a girls trip or a family trip?
Maybe take longer trips within the US? Start out by stretching that weekend trip by a day or two until you’ve worked up to at least 1 week + 2 weekends?
Do you both agree on what a pleasant vacation is? Is one of you a go-100-mph-seeing-everything type and the other a chill-and-relax-so-glad-I’m-not-working-today type? If so, maybe that’s the problem.
On the Facebook envy, remember that Facebook is essentially the extended Christmas letter. People are only putting their good things up there. You probably have quite a few friends who are traveling less than you are.
Anonymous
I have done 2 girl trips, one domestic and one to the Dominican Republic. I think he was really nervous about me going to the DR, especially because I was arriving separately from the rest of my friends. Me and the girls will probably start planning another trip soon, probably a smaller trip this year. We plan to go big the year we turn 30 (2015). As much as I love traveling with my friends, I also really value traveling with the husband too.
Yes, we pretty much agree on what a nice vacation is, so that’s not the issue.
Tuesday
It’s obviously not important to him. Have you explicitly told him how important it is to you? Talk to him and agree on a plan — will he go with you one English-speaking place a year and be comfortable with you going somewhere (anywhere) with friends once a year? Get him to tell you why he doesn’t want to plan a trip — is he really just not interested in travel, or does he think it wouldn’t be any fun if he didn’t have a minimum language proficiency? If you stick to big cities and tourist destinations, you can usually get by with just one of those little pocket Berlitz books, because at tourist destinations, they expect people not to speak the local language, and in lots and lots of places the locals speak English.
Alice
+1 on having an explicit conversation about this, and trying to figure out why he’s resistant. Is it financial? Is it a lack of interest? Is it because he doesn’t want to feel out of his element with you watching (just saying this because I have a stepfather who is resistant to all travel with my mom, unless he has scoped the place out and can be the “expert”!)? Once you’ve figured this out, you can (1) figure out how to deal with it; or (2) go on your own, as others are suggesting…
goldribbons
I have terrible anxiety about traveling internationally with my DH and I have a feeling he has feelings like yours. For me, it takes me a long time to warm up to an idea. I need him to build it up and fill me in. So your DH says “I want to learn French” before going to France; I think a week or two later, you should follow up on that trip to France with info about things to do, places to stay, whether English is spoken there. For me, DH said, “I want to rent a car and drive through Germany!” and I said I wanted to learn German first. If he had subsequently said, “I want to visit towns A, B, and C, which have sites X, Y, and Z that we can visit” I would have been much more enthusiastic about it. That being said, I’m never enthusiastic right off the bat. I need to think about it. He should give me a few days to think about it. Obviously this boils down to a communication challenge, but for me “travel” is so overwhelming that this multi-step approach is helpful. (does this even make sense? Sorry if it doesn’t.)
Blonde Lawyer
Me too. I love my travel in retrospect. Before and during I’m a bit of a nervous wreck. I have weird travel anxiety that given my food and bathroom issues actually isn’t all that weird. I often feel like I need a vacation from my vacation when I get back. Throw into the mix that we are usually traveling with other couples, family or friends and that means I get little alone time and it becomes that much worse.
I was so much more adventurous when I was younger.
Anon
I might have this too… my SO asks me where I want to go. Then we decide on a place, and I can’t bring myself to do any research. On the other hand, he asks me to make decisions about the travel that annoy me to no end. However, when we get there and he’s prepared with meticulous notes on everything, I have a great time and totally appreciate all of his work. It wasn’t always this way, when my travels were based on who-is-studying-abroad-where-right-now, but I seem to have lost that travel bug.
Gail the Goldfish
Maybe start with something familiar so he’ll be less resistant? Like maybe trips within the US and Canada and venture out from there to somewhere like England or Ireland and then finally a non-English speaking country.
My BF is also similarly resistant to travel. My travel usually involves going somewhere for a purpose (like a wedding) and then tacking on a vacation just to save money. I just tell BF that I’m going and he is welcome to come if he wants. He usually takes a month to decide and then eventually gives in when I say I’m booking plane tickets and it’s his last chance.
Jordan
Yeah. Since nothing you’ve said works tell him he has to pick the place and date or you are going with a girlfriend.
anon
Both my husband and stepfather are like this, except my husband doesn’t throw up the pretense of wanting to learn a foreign language (which isn’t really necessary unless you’re planning a month+ trip, IMO). He thinks travel is cool, but it’s just not a priority to him. 7 years in, we have two kids and the only international trips we take are back to his home country. My mom simply books her trips, tells her hubs when to take off work, and keeps on rolling. I wish I had taken her approach more often back when we were in your situation, as our plane ticket costs have doubled with the little ones and even domestic trips are getting too costly.
Fishie
Think about this as if he were a difficult boss/client, and start down the road on a project, then provide him with data that will encourage his buy-in before going in whole hog. The idea is to make it as easy as possible for him to say yes. So pick someplace you think you’ll both enjoy, and start planning a trip (without making any non-refundable plans) during a time that should work for both of you. If you can come to him with specific dates, location, hotel, and some neat things to do, it will make it easy for him to picture it, and say yes to going. Try to anticipate his objections. If he’s afraid you’re going to get killed, find some reviews that talk about how safe the area or resort is. If he thinks it’s too expensive, show him pricing and info on what you can expect to spend in a day. Let him know how much you need a vacation, and how you’re dying to go to place X, and how important it is for you to travel to recharge, and how you really want to experience this new place with him.
If I left travel plans up to my husband, we’d never go anywhere! He’s just not a planner, and can always find something wrong with a place. So I get moving on plans and if he’s on board, great, and if not, at least we’ve opened the door to a conversation about where he’d like to go. I was 2 months in to planning a 40th birthday trip to Hawaii for him before he finally spoke up and said he really didn’t want to go to Hawaii! Make it as easy as possible for him to say yes.
Good luck! Sometimes I think always having a trip to plan is what gets me out of bed in the mornings!
Parfait
My boyfriend hates traveling. I’ve simply decided to be okay with this. I have two big and two small trips planned for this year, and he’s not going on any of them. Don’t postpone what you want to do because someone else doesn’t want to do them with you.
Besides, how can he miss me if I don’t go away?
Susie
You’re one big vacation ahead of me! After 5 years of marriage (no honeymoon) most of our out of town travels have been for weddings or similar events. We’ve done a few long weekend trips domestically but have never been out of the country together or gone more than a few days. He doesn’t really like to travel, and when we first got married we didn’t have money and now its just hard to coordinate our schedules. I’m trying to figure something out for our 5th anniversary but he doesn’t want to commit to anything yet because he’s not sure what his schedule will be (possible job change, etc.)
Kitten Heeled
Anyone have a coupon for Nine West? Found a great pair of pumps online (style: Caress). I usually get coupons in email but haven’t received one recently.
Thanks in advance!
NOLA
They’re on sale for $59.99 on the Nine West site. They have gone so crazy lately and there’s been so little in stock in their store that I haven’t bought anything there for a long time so no coupons.
Job Search Struggle
How long did your job search take? I just need some encouragement…I’m starting to feel like the old dog at the shelter who can’t get adopted. I’m a litigator, nine years out, basically open to going to another firm or in-house. I’m concerned that I’ve got too many years and not enough transferrable skills to land an in-house gig and worried that lateralling over to another firm isn’t in the cards because I’m too experienced to be an associate. I’ve been looking since September and have only had two interviews. Any thoughts?
AEK
Hang in there! Job searching is just awful— just remember, it’s really not about YOU, even though you are the one who has to live with the fear and frustration and disappointment.
It sounds like you’re a great candidate to be using a recruiter. Are you working with one? (Anecdotally, years ago I was a non-traditional candidate and landed a job in Chicago biglaw with the help of a recruiter who really sold my package of skills well.)
mascot
About a year with six-nine months of focused seaching. A “counsel” role can be a good one for a senior associate on an altered track to partnership. Just make sure you get those expectations figured out on the front end.
Anon
No words of advice, but I hear you! I’m about eight years out, have been in a non-law job the last year (for various reasons — family, etc. — didn’t actually want to leave the practice of law and trying to get back on track) and am trying to figure out where I can go from here. It’s frustrating how conveybelt the whole lawyer track can be where if you don’t make the right jumps at the right time, it becomes really hard to make the change at all. And old dog at the shelter is a very apt description of how I feel, too.
Divaliscious11
Just keep in mind that 9 years out going to in-house is getting to the point of being a tough sell unless you have been on a secondment or are going to a client. In-house practice is different from law firm practice and the longer you are in private practice, the more difficult the transition can be. I think the sweet spot for going in house is around 5-6 years, and going into a junior in-house experience.
Hot Pirate Mess
If you wear boots like this, do not wear them with an above-the-knee dress in a noticeable color / pattern that is *also* too snug.
Yes, I’m talking about you, co-worker.
anon
Ha! Good advice!
BB
Ha! I saw this post this afternoon, and wasn’t entirely sure what you meant. Then as I was walking home, I saw a girl with the exact description and yeah…it’s not good! :)
Hair removal
Has anyone tried laser hair removal with red(ish) hair? (I’m a redhead, but the evil facial hair is more of a medium brown with a redish tint). I’m going in for a consult next week, but I’d be interested to hear anyone’s experiences (mainly–does it work?).
furry
Didn’t work on me. I tried to have some darker brown hairs removed from my chin – apparently in that location they’re extremely resistant to removal.
jcb
I’d love to hear about your consult, if you could report back. I’ve been thinking about it for years but never bothered to make an appt bc all of the guidance available online says that it doesn’t work for redheads (bah).
Hair removal
I had always thought that too, but I was at the dermatologist yesterday for an unrelated reason and I asked about it and he said it would work. So I’m meeting with the laser person next week. They have a thing where she’ll do a small patch for a much smaller fee than a normal session and see if it works. I’ll be sure to report back.
jcb
oooo exciting! I hope it works!
Emmabean
A general piece of advice about this topic – not related to red hair, but rather, to my experience with a laser hair removal consult.
If at all possible, try to do some research beforehand on the price at different places. I did not do this (not my best move), and went in for my consult where I was offered a one time only price – as in if I did not sign on the dotted line then and there, the price would no longer be available to me (or so they said).
I ended up going for it, even though the price was about $300 more than the maximum I had told myself I would pay because I really really wanted to do it.
Also, I paid in cash (rather than financing) so they lowered my price by $100. So the price may be negotiable, depending on where you go.
law school abroad?
I decided a few years ago that I want to start law school in the very near future and as a result have focused on paying off my loans, building up a large savings to cover expenses, and studying for the LSAT – generally getting prepared for a career change. Well, my husband just found out there is a very good chance we will be relocated to Brussels within the next year for a 2 year stay.
This is a really wonderful opportunity for my husband so I feel like I can’t ask him to pass but I am concerned about what this means for my future. I have done some preliminary research and it looks like going to law school in Europe and then practicing in the US is difficult to pull off. Is this true? Is there any possibility of earning a JC through an American university? What are the options if I earn a JD through European university? What is the best way to handle this situation?
I don’t want to put off law school another 2 years because I am already in my late 20’s and want to work a few years before starting a family. Feeling stuck.
Mpls
I don’t believe European universities (someone correct me if I’m wrong) award Juris Doctor degrees. And to sit the bar in most states, you need a JD from an ABA accredited law school. So, if you know where you’re going to live after law school, you could try looking at the bar admission requirements to see if there is a potential work around from a non-standard school. But they options are probably going to be few.
Have you thought about spending one of those two years apart – H is Brussels, and you working through your first year of law school? The first year can be so consuming that it might make it easier to not have someone at home to divide your focus, but then visit over breaks as possible.
CA lawyer
What do you want to do with a law degree? You can look at the bar rules for the jurisdiction in which you want to live to find out if you can take a bar exam in that jurisdiction with a foreign legal degree (probably a BA or LLM–I think JDs are mostly a North American thing). However, it’s hard for U.S.-qualified lawyers to find work; I would imagine that, for most kinds of work, it’s even harder for people who haven’t studied U.S. law.
Equity's Darling
I’m pretty sure that most of Europe (except the UK) is civil law instead of common law…which is a big deal…like they’re totally different legal systems, the structure, everything. I’d love (love!) to work in Europe, but I doubt I’ll be able to do so as a lawyer without significant further training unless I go to the UK (and there I think I’d need further training too? At least for my current level of experience). Law is very jurisdiction specific, which I sort of wish I had been more cognizant of when I signed up.
There are a variety of Canadians that do UK law school and then come back, and they come back to a bunch of exams, and a tough haul to get an article unless they have prior connections. I imagine the US might be more open to UK law degrees than one from a civil law country (i.e. continental Europe).
Nonny
To ED – a slight non-sequitur – FYI, I worked in the UK without additional training, but did so as a Canadian lawyer in a big enough firm that it didn’t matter. Also, I’m not a litigator – I’m a corporate transactional lawyer. Depending on your practice area, it is totally possible to work in the UK without additional training, so don’t rule it out.
Equity's Darling
Oohhh, between knowing of your chartruese love, taste in high quality cardigans, and now adding that you’ve worked in the UK, you may be my Corporette idol.
I’m not into litigation- corporate is definitely my scene. I have a billion questions! How did you obtain a position over there? Was it fun/interesting/worth it? Was it tough to come back (because I’m sure I’d want to return eventually…though maybe not?)? Did you go soon after being called? Would it be easier to go later or earlier in my career? I’m so curious!
law school abroad?
This is what I thought. Shoot. Now what? Sounds like my only option is to 1. postpone law school or 2. be in a different country than my husband.
I have been waiting a long time to do this and I already deferred admission to law school once before (and ultimately ended up not attending) because of my student loan debt.
goldribbons
Law school enrollment is dropping like a rock. Waiting a(nother) year could mean really good things for a scholarship package for you. I think you should consider spending the first year abroad with your husband, and then coming back to attend law school while your husband finishes his second year in the abroad program. Your first year of law school will be incredibly demanding and you might appreciate living in a student dorm, by yourself, not worrying about what your DH might want to do over the weekend (since you’ll want/need to spend every.last.minute in the library).
M-C
Second that. No matter how solid the relationship, not putting up with school nonsense is a plus for all parties. A year seems like a long time to be apart, but you’re more apart when one of you is in school.
Saacnmama
Lots of US universities have opened campuses overseas. I don’t know if law schools have done so, but it might be worth investigating. I don’t mean study abroad programs; I mean actual subdivisions of the US university.
Divaliscious11
Err, its doable…. You won’t die, and you’ll likely be a better student because you’ll be able to focus….. And since the Concorde is already grounded, he won’t miss it and miss your graduation…… ;-)
Woods-comma-Elle
I’m admitted in England and Wales and currently studying for the CA bar. CA and NY are the two big ones you can do with a non-US law degree and I think also DC and TX as well (although I’m not at all sure about TX).
In NY and DC, you need a three-year degree equivalent to a JD so, for example, I can’t do NY without an LLM, because my law school in England is only two years. You CAN do NY if you have an acceptable three-year-plus degree from a foreign law school, but they are relatively strict so you should really find out before signing up whether NY would accept it. CA will let you sit the bar if you are admitted in any foreign jurisdiction or if you have a qualifying law degree (the UK two years is enough).
Re Central Europe – Equity’s Darling is right that the legal system is totally different. US and UK are basically the same, but in Central Europe it is civil law so everything is statute and wholly different. Also, law school in most Central European countries is like 4-6 years (although I don’t know about Belgium). Also. even though you could sit the bar in certain states, you would basically have to learn the law from scratch with a civil law degree and you would still need to either get a qualifying degree or be admitted in Belgium, say.
Sounds like for two years, law school in Europe is not the best option. UK is probably your best choice (and you could get the train to Brussels or your husband to London, it’s just under two hours) but you would need to either do undergrad in law (3 years, think you can do it in two now in some places) plus one year law school to sit NY bar, or one year conversion and one year law school to sit CA. The law is basically the same so the bar in the US shouldn’t bee too much of a stretch.
Unfortunately I don’t have an easy solution, but some food for thought.
Also, NCBE has a chart that shows you what is required for each US jurisdiction, I will try to find the link separately.
Woods-comma-Elle
http://www.ncbex.org/assets/media_files/Statistics/2011Statistics.pdf
law school abroad?
Thanks for this great summary – very, very helpful!
MJ
Hi–I worked in law in the US and UK (and also did banking in the UK). US firms in London were bifurcated between those who advised foreign firms on US law and those who hired “local” (e.g. European-trained/qualified) attorneys plus had US law capabilities. The UK Magic Circle law firms tended to mostly hire UK graduates (those on the undergrad plus apprenticeship track) plus foreign-trained specialists, depending on the firm. Certain firms which are hyper-international (like Baker & McKenzie) have associates from all over the world. You can learn more at roll on friday (google it, one word)…it’s sort of like abovethelaw but for the UK. I have also worked in biglaw here in the US, and it’s uncommon, but not completely unheard-of, for foreign-trained attorneys (often who have LLMs) to get jobs. But it’s hard. I would definitely do more research regarding whether a European degree would actually get you to where you want to go in the States. My gut says no….and I am sorry to say that.
Law school abroad?
Thanks for your thoughts. I’m not really sure where to go from here from a personal and professional level. My husband’s career is really starting to take off and I want to support him but it seems like this is coming at a cost to my own career. We’ve already had to move because of his career so I haven’t been anywhere long enough to really get established. I feel if I don’t take control of the situation I won’t ever build a career for myself and that is the absolute LAST thing I want to happen.
Having said that, what are the options for starting law school in Europe and transferring to an American university? Is it possible to do my 1L year in the US and complete my JD while studying at a European university? Are there universities that offer programs like this?
Anon
Notre Dame Law School has a campus in London where you can spend your entire 2L year. I believe you can do 1L year in South Bend, 2L year in London, 3L year 1st semester in Milan, through an existing exchange program (classes are offered in English), and 3L 2d semester back in the US (but I’d double check with the school to make sure you can stack London and Italy, as I don’t actually know anyone who did both).
Eurogrrl
I studied law in Europe and the US, and am a lawyer in the US now. I can’t write too much about my own experiences without outing myself, and in any case, my background is different from yours. One thing to consider: I am pretty sure that law is an undergrad degree in Belgium, and I believe it takes most students at least four years to complete it. Although you may be able to finish in less time, you may have to take courses in French so a lot would depend on your fluency in that language.
Some options that you may want to research:
(1) Complete a law degree in Brussels (which may come with some drawbacks as described above), then do an LL.M. in the United States. This is risky, especially if you want to be in the U.S. long-term: U.S. employers may think that the LL.M. hasn’t given you enough exposure to the U.S. legal system. However, it’s a great option if you want to stay in Europe and would like to work for a U.K. or American firm in Brussels, London or Paris.
(2) Find out which U.S. law schools have substantial “study abroad” programs. Some law schools may allow you to do a full year of your coursework in Belgium and have it count toward your JD. While you may still end up living apart for some of your studies you could at least get one year together in Brussels that way. I do think it’s unlikely that law schools would let you study somewhere else in your first year, though.
(3) Similarly, look into dual degree programs offered by U.S. law schools. I’m not aware of any such programs with Belgium, but Columbia offers several programs that let you study in Paris for 1-2 years and get a degree from a university there in addition to the Columbia degree. (It takes less than 1.5 hour to get from Brussels to Paris by train — a long time for a daily commute, but you could see each other often.) These programs are extremely competitive and requires advanced French language skills, but if you get in, the two degrees are a great asset just about anywhere in the world.
(4) Complete a law degree in the U.K., possibly followed by an LL.M. from a U.S. law school. Like Paris, London is a not-so-long train ride away. Law degrees from the U.K. are regarded with less suspicion by U.S. employers than degrees from continental European universities, especially if you’re American and went to college in the U.S.
(5) I believe Northwestern has a 2-year JD program for graduates of foreign law schools, and I suspect there may be other law schools that offer these programs. So another option would be to complete a law degree in Belgium (or the U.K.), then get a JD in two years.
Good luck!
Nellie
Ugh, I try not to get worked up these things, but I was annoyed to see Lands End hawking “boys” and “girls” headphones… really, those plain black ones are specially for boys?
http://tinyurl.com/cgk52x4
Monica
+1 million
Monica
I left a review of the headphones. Others should do the same.
For inspiration: http://www.amazon.com/BIC-Cristal-1-0mm-Black-MSLP16-Blk/product-reviews/B004F9QBE6
cc
That seems snarky and unproductive. I think an email or letter would be much better.
Monica
Friday afternoon before a holiday weekend? Unproductive I was.
cc
I just emailed them. It is a brand new item, the person I talked to said they didn’t even sell headphones. They seemed very receptive to my suggestion that it be Kids headphones.
Nellie
Way to take action instead of merely griping!
*hanging my head in shame*
Meg Murry
Good for you! Maybe I will do the same. It always drives me crazy when they separate out things like identical snow boots just different colors into “boys boots” and “girls boots”. Does it really matter which gender buys black or navy snow boots? I am all for things being sold as “kids” not boys or girls.
cc
I love Lands End, and their excellent customer service. I would much rather them get emails than get the snarky review treatment. (although the bic pen thing is ridiculous) I hope they will be receptive and change it.
Saacnmama
Absolutely!
Herbie
You can e-mail customer service here: https://www.landsend.com/customerservice/contact_us/
I don’t actually shop at Lands End but wrote an e-mail anyway because this really is so stupid.
petitesq
They have incurred ‘r e t t e wrath!
cc
Its been changed to Kids http://www.landsend.com/pp/kids-pink-konoaudio-headphones~245400_-1.html
Admin
has anyone made the switch from law firm life to being an administrator in a professional school, such as law school? i’m exploring an opportunity with my alma mater, but am a little scared at how significantly different my life will be. However, I’m exhausted after praticing for 5 years as a biglaw litigator, and dying for something with less uncertainty in my schedule (tired of “rescheduling” vacations) and less STRESS in my day to day life.
Anon
Take a look at G@briela Ry@n at Southwestern. I think she was at USC prior to that, and working in a firm before that. I don’t know her well enough to connect you, but maybe you could email her?
Nonny
Someone I used to work with did this – she was a 4th year lawyer, decided she didn’t want to practice anymore, so went to work in our local law school as a careers adviser. Five years on, and she’s had two children and is an associate dean.
Anon for this
I did! I have never, ever looked back. I love being a law school administrator. I left practice after only 2 years at a small firm. I’d be glad to answer any specific questions you have or talk with you if you’d like. You can email me at [email protected] if you want to talk.
anti-dandruff shampoo
Would appreciate recs for an anti-dandruff shampoo or shampoo that’s helped the condition of your scalp. I almost feel like mine is just too dry and it’s dry skin aggravating it. The super cold wind here and hat head doesn’t help. Thanks in advance!
anon
I’ve used Head & Shoulders, Selsun Blue, and Nizoral to various levels of success over the years. Depending on how serious your issue is right now: about 2 years ago started to suffer from more serious dandruff that wouldn’t go away with these shampoos, and was particularly disgusting looking. I asked my dermatologist, and she took a look and prescribed a round of anti-fungal oral tablets– I think the brand nameon those is also Nizoral. It worked wonders!
anon
I really like the Body Shop’s Ginger Scalp Care shampoo. Has reduced my dandruff by 80% I’d say.
lucy stone
Head and Shoulders makes an itchy scalp shampoo that works great.
Need to Improve
I use Head and Shoulders every time I wash my hair, which is about twice a week. As a nice side benefit, it keeps my skin eczema in check and also is good for acne if you buy the kind with zinc in it.
I think the Nizoral tabs are pretty awful for your liver, so you might want to start with topical shampoos. I also have used the prescription anti-dandruff shampoo, which I found to be the same as H&S for a lot more money. When things were really enflamed I got a cream to apply to my hairline; if your situation gets bad you can ask your dermatologist for that.
May
Thought I’d chime in that having an overly dried out scalp worsens flaking. Which isn’t really dandruff caused by fungal infection.
When I had the problem using a little oil on my scalp before washing my hair seemed totally counter-intuitive but worked wonders. In addition to the anti-dandruff treatment, of course.
I believe certain types of eczema also cause flaking and perhaps a brand / treatment you are sensitive to would make this problem worse…
Hope that helps!
Oh and never on any account do I share hairbrushes.
M-C
On the whole I’d recommend selsun, as the selenium sulfide it uses is very effective for seborrhea and some forms of fungal infection. Keep in mind though that most dandruff shampoos assume your hair is oily and strip it badly, which can be counter-productive. I stopped having bad dandruff when I switched to mild organic baby shampoo. Still, remember you don’t have to use dandruff shampoo every day, you can leave it for a once a week refresher for instance, and that’s enough for most people. Why don’t you start tapering off??
CA lawyer
Thank you to the anon for the hair dryer recommendation earlier in the week. I just received the Sedu Revolution and it’s great!
eek
oooh – I have this. I’ve had it for over a year; no complaints.
Headed to Vegas
I’m going to Las Vegas in July for a work conference. I figure it will be ridiculously hot. I grew up and currently live in Dallas, so summer heat is nothing new to me, but I am wondering what to wear for this conference. I don’t own any suits except unstylish black one (rather like a funeral director’s), and I don’t like wearing them, but I still want to look professional. Any suggestions for outfits that combine cute + professional + suitable for super hot weather? It is a bit early to ask, but I want to pick up pieces as I can before I go. Thanks!
Anon
I like to do sheath dresses with a blazer or a cardigan if you don’t need to be as dressed up. Also skirts with a sleeveless or short sleeve top and a blazer or cardigan would also be good.
Also keep in mind that, depending on where the conference will be held at, it will likely be highly air conditioned so the heat may not be that bothersome (and you may actually be cold!)
Oh so hot
I don’t have a lot of advice for you, but Las Vegas heat is much different than Dallas heat. I grew up in the desert, and we went to Vegas for our honeymoon (late June). It was around 120 when we were there, did not cool down at night, and we couldn’t breathe when we were outdoors. It’s possible that we were there during an extreme heat wave, but every time I’ve gone: it’s been way hotter than I expected.
I would say black suits would make you miserable because of the heat, so maybe a nice (lightweight) blouse and pencil skirt combo would work well?
Headed to Vegas
Thanks, normally I would wear what I wear to work during the summer, but I work in a pretty casual environment (like jeans every day), and this conference is definitely swankier than what I’m used to. Oh and I never wear that black suit if I can help it. :)
Greener Apple
Layers! I spent a few weeks there one summer and ended up wearing wicking tanks/running shorts as a base layer. I also used anti-antiperspirant everywhere, carried a travel pack of baby wipes, and just carried my suit jacket until I was inside.
M-C
Most likely you won’t set foot outside, and may even be colder than inside right now in New England :-). Don’t worry. Just plan a couple more summery outfit for some casual fun, if you get to have any.
Rant
DH had an important interview that could be a great change for his career and our family and he was late. I am so frustrated I could just scream.
k-padi
Was it an understandable reason? E.g., traffic accident, illness, etc? We have a lot (1/4 or 1/6) of “late” interviewees because traffic and parking can be unpredictable. As long as they call and let us know they are having trouble, we are pretty forgiving.
FWIW, we hired a guy who arrived in town the night before and canceled day of because he was sick. He felt better in the afternoon and we brought him in–only 4 hours late.
Herbie
Yeah, why was he late?
goldribbons
Definitely this is a good place to rant, and maybe scream into a pillow (or do a few shots of tequila, whatever makes you feel better). But then remember that he’s a grown rational man who is presumably quite intelligent, whom you trust deeply. Then ask him about why he was late and see if there’s anything you can do to support him / ensure it doesn’t happen next time!
TBK
Very frustrating. I’ve been on the other side of this — misspelled the NAME OF THE EMPLOYER in a cover letter. Also, I had something of a history of tiny, unforgiveable typos. (Yes, even after working in BigLaw.) My husband was definitely upset with me. But to his credit, he took the attitude of “well, that’s that. What do we do to make sure you don’t do this again?” Now I don’t send out anything important (besides stuff I do for my job, obviously) without him reviewing it first and reading it out loud to me, and me reading it out loud to him. I’m sure your husband is mad at himself, and feels guilty about its effect on the family. If you work with him on a solution, he’ll be able to show he’s willing to make ammends, you’ll feel more in control of the situation (because it’s very frustrating to have your financial future in someone else’s hands), and you’ll be reinforcing the fact that you’re two people sharing a life as a team.
n.
I also get my SO to review everything before I send this out, for just this reason. Since I’m the main breadwinner, I consider my job search to be a team effort!
Senior Attorney
OMG I feel for you. My son did this during that horrible period between college graduation and joining the Marines. He’d been stalking this job for months, it was basically his to lose, and he managed to lose it by being late to the group interview.
Hopefully your husband was fabulous enough once he got there that all is not lost!
MaggieLizer
I was 45 mins late to an interview once because of a combination of traffic/accident and getting lost, and still got the job. So there’s definitely still hope!
think on your feet....
Can you give me some of your favorite responses when people ask you questions that are a **little** inappropriate?
I am a pretty private person about my personal life. I have found that “Are you dating anyone?” or “Why aren’t you married?” questions are asked more often then I would like. Especially at work or from distant family members.
I have tried the “Why do you ask?”…. trying to suggest it is an inappropriate question, but I can’t seem to get the right tone with that. I usually get back a simple “Just curious….”, or worse…. “because I CARE about you….”, as if I now owe them an answer/explanation.
Recently my father’s girlfriend (who doesn’t filter appropriately and is often socially inappropriate….) asks me such questions. Most are out of context, and inappropriate. Most recently…. “You make XXXX amount of money a year, right?” and similar questions. I have to be careful not to be too blunt/offend her back considering the family situation.
What are your favorite quips?
k-padi
At work, I’ve learned that there are no secrets. The paralegals and secretaries know everything. Even things that you think they have no way of knowing, they know.
For dating questions, I use nicknames to protect the innocent and tell an anecdote (e.g., “We went for a hike on Sunday, he brought chocolate!”). For “are you dating anyone?” questions, I say “kind of, it’s complicated and I’m not really looking right now.” For “why aren’t you married?” I am brutally honest and throw it back at them: “I tend to be The Man in the relationship. Do you know a guy who wants to be The Wife?”
For money questions, I just say “I’m very fortunate.” and leave it at that. For questions on how much something cost, “I don’t remember.” (even if they ask about the house–a number I will never, ever forget).
Monday
My grandmother: How much do you weigh?
Me: The same as I weighed the last time you saw me.
Grandma: Which is what?
Me: I don’t know. I don’t weigh myself.
Being totally illogical/implausible is OK when someone is being rude! K-padi’s saying she couldn’t remember the price of her house reminded me of this exchange.
Sascha
I use some variant of “when I feel like it” or “when I get around to it,” then change the subject. That type of statement doesn’t invite them in to question it (usually) and sort of stalls the conversation. It is especially helpful for all the well-meaning people asking me when I’m going to have children (youngish and married, but no babies? something must be wrong!).
Anne Shirley
“are you dating anyone?”
“not at the moment” / I don’t think this q is inappropriate
“why aren’t you married?” “haven’t found the right guy” / this one I think is rude
I’ve never found quips or “why do you ask” useful. If the question is way over the line, I use- I’d rather not say, or- quit being so nosy! If it’s just one that I personally don’t like, I provide a vague bland response and move on, assuming for the sake of my sanity that people aren’t trying to get under my skin.
JessC
I agree with Anne Shirley about the are you dating/why aren’t you married questions. The first one I don’t find particularly rude, people just want to get to know you a little and SOs are typically an easy way to start that kind of conversation.
With regards to the money question, I’d either just be straight forward but polite and say you’d rather not discuss that or just be vague (i.e. “You make $XXX a year, right?” “Something like that.”).
think on your feet....
Really, you don’t find “are you dating someone” a little unprofessional to be asked at work? Like by your boss, or more senior person? I really disagree and think it has nothing to do with my work performance.
goldribbons
Hive five in solidarity! I’m pretty young and I find men seem to think it’s completely appropriate to ask my age. I’ve started saying, “I really don’t think it’s appropriate to ask a grown woman her age.” It’s a little immature, and I try to use some sort of gentler quip before using that (e.g., “why do you ask?”) but if they press me, I just let them know I find the question offensive/inappropriate.
Anonymous
I throw something ridiculous out (ala I’m 76) – I look pretty damn good for my age don’t I
goldribbons
I’ve done that, and then been pressed yet again for my age. At that point, I tend to say something all wrong like “I’m married so it’s a moot point. Let’s move on.”
Midwest Transplant
Seems like pretty reasonable questions from your father’s girlfriend. I get the same relationship questions, and as painful as they can be, I just stay positive and say “haven’t found the right person yet.”
For the money question, I try to gauge the relationship. For example, I know the salary of my immediate family and their SOs. For good friends in similar positions or industries we share salary ranges to increase our own negotiating power, but for more distant family and friends I keep it very vague, or ask if they are looking to change careers.
I wouldn’t take it too personal.
NOLA
Really?? I don’t know my brother’s salary or his wife’s and I don’t want to know. My Dad would love to know everything about my life but he’s a gossip so I tell him NOTHING.
JB
My immediate family is very open about finances. I think it was my parents’ goal to introduce financial education and planning at an early age. They purchased a new house when I was in elementary school and my siblings and I knew the purchase price and monthly mortgage payment.
Now, although I have power of attorney, I know that my father keeps my sister and brother in law up to date as well on issues like wills and retirement saving.
Angela
Maybe this is a your family thing. I honestly do not know anyone’s salary that I am close to.
Anon
“I don’t know you like that.”
“What a personal question! Making me blush.”
Jordan
My new favorite thing is to tell a sort of long story about how I saw a woman at the grocery with four boys hanging off her shopping cart just destroying things everywhere (or something – usually fabricated from something I actually saw). Then I say, “when I see things like that, I just don’t know if the whole conventional settle down and get married thing is for me. How did you know (how your life is) is how you wanted it?….Oh, that’s nice. Well, we’ll see what happens but I am just going with the flow and I will know it when I see it!” Usually, they don’t gear it back to the main question. I think the point is trying to engage socially so my whole story + exchange seems to satisfy.
Also, people ask to try to hook you up so if that’s the angle (which it isn’t for me but I have seen it happen ha) I would make up a story about how a set-up went wrong once so you just don’t do that anymore with people who you know from work.
This makes me sound like a robot so I am going to leave work now!
think on your feet....
Thanks all for your input!
I actually don’t like to give out too much personal info at work, as I have had bad situations develop in the past where people (including my bosses….) tried to set me up with a senior co-worker. I work in a field with very few women, and I am always trying to make people look at me as an equal and don’t want them to focus on irrelevant/social things. It was extremely uncomfortable and inappropriate trying to get set up by everyone. I always keep my work and personal life separate, and I told them that, but it didn’t stop them. It did make some of them decide I was a b*tch….. by the way a few treated me afterwards. I can’t believe the high school antics that still exist…. The sad thing is that I was the smart studious girl in high school that the guys ignored. You never win.
I have also found fibbing and saying you are seeing someone can sometimes get you into trouble with nosy people who continue to fish. And if you say something that makes it sound like you are not exclusive, then they are still trying to set you up. Gosh, people are just so nosy. I guess life is just too boring in the Midwest.
Sorry for the rambling… just wish I was better with thinking on my feet with simple responses and re-directing conversations better. I’m working on it.
Nosy family members (and father’s girlfriend) I find to be even more irritating since you cannot escape them easily. I disagree with the posters about family sharing such personal info as salaries. I have no idea what my brothers make or what my parents make and would never ask them. What was shocking to me when my father’s girlfriend asked “So you make 200k, right?”. First, I wasn’t even working because I was taking care of my severely disabled father. When I was working before, I actually was making less then minimum wage, when you calculated all the hours I worked. 5x less then that. I actually laughed when she asked the question … shows how ignorant people are about the academic track/physician scientist tract.
But honestly, that situation is another can of worms…. way more concerning then inappropriate questions….
OP-OP
I had posted a while ago about a student professional wardrobe – turns out my part-time internship is extremely business casual. I went there today for the first day in a suit. All the employees were in business casual, and the older intern was wearing jeans. My boss even mentioned it to me. Oh well, better to be overdressed than under dressed. This might actually make things more difficult clothing-wise, and there are no other women in my department.
Sascha
Yes, a suit makes a much better impression than if you had shown up in leggings or something like that. :) I work in a casual office, and I like to wear nice jeans, typically straight or skinny, with a blouse and flats, or cardigan and tank. No t-shirts. Every now and then I’ll wear my Chucks if it suits the outfit, and boots in the winter.
Answering the phone
At the office (law firm), when you get a call from an external number you don’t recognize, how do you respond?
A) Hello
B) Firstname Lastname
C) This is Firstname Last.
D) Hello, this is Firstname Lastname.
D) something else
I typically say “hello” when I don’t recognize the number. Today an opposing counsel asked if he called my cell phone because “typically you say, ‘this is Firstname Lastname.'” (I don’t know if he meant I typically say this, because I don’t, or was trying to instruct on the proper way to answer the phone.)
Am I wrong to think that if someone called me, they know who they called, so they should announce who they are? “Firstname Lastname” sounds harsh to me. Maybe “Hello, this is Firstname Lastname” is the middle ground?
What about internal calls? I usually say “Hello, Caller’s Firstname” since the phone indicates who is calling.
Herbie
I always say, “This is Herbie.” No last name (McHerbsters). I say that for internal calls w/ caller ID, too, but mostly because it’s just reflexive at this point for me to answer with, “This is Herbie.”
JessC
If it’s an outside caller, I answer with “This is Jessica”.
Eleanor
Yep, I say, “This is Eleanor” whether it’s an internal or external caller. My boss calls me often enough from his cell phone that I recognize the number, so instead when I answer I say, “Hi Boss.”
Anon
Exactly this, because, incidentally, my name is also Jessica.
k-padi
B. It’s not harsh, it’s professional.
For internal calls, it shows up on Caller ID and I think playing dumb is stupid. “Hi Caller, what can I do for you?” works best and cuts through the niceties to the heart of the matter.
Senior Attorney
Yes, both of these.
I honestly can’t imagine answering call to my office phone with “hello.”
mascot
External calls, even if I know the number, “Good morning/afternoon, this is FirstName, LastName” Unless you are my DH, who I greet with “hey, babe”
Internal calls, “This is FirstName”
I usually identify myself when answering my phone so the caller knows that they got me rather than my assistant answering on my behalf (although she answers my phone as “FirstName,LastName’s office”)
Jules
Our secretaries answer our calls first, so I usually know who it is and greet them by name. If it’s someone I don’t know personally, though (say, a new opposing counsel), or if it’s after hours and I get an unfamiliar number or name on caller ID I say first name/last name. (Years ago, an associate in my old firm heard her five-year-old daughter answer the phone “Ashley Jones.” Because that’s the way mom did it.)
But be careful answering a call from your husband with something like “hey, babe,” unless you’re Absolutely Positive it’s him. I once got a call — sent to my phone by a new receptionist — from an attorney whose name sounded a lot like my husband’s (think “John Perry” and “John Barry”) and I thought it was DH and answered the phone “hi, Sweetie.” The guy — in-house counsel at a major client — was so surprised he couldn’t talk for a minute.
mascot
Yeah, I am cautious with transferred calls as well. I verify it is his cell phone on the caller id so I am pretty positive it’s him.
goldribbons
I like these stories, thanks for sharing :)
Praxidike
Not quite the same, but once I was leaving a message for my mentor and forgot who I was calling. I assumed (wrongly) that I was calling my husband. So I started the message with, “Hey honey…” and then realized it was a message for mentor. I then said, “Oh, sorry, I am calling about XYZ.”
He returned my phone call and said, “Do you need me to bring you anything from the grocery store?” Heh.
jcb
I always answer “Firstname Lastname” for external calls, and “This is Firstname” or “Hi So-and-So” for internal calls.
anon
yep, same here. I don’t like it when I call someone external’s office and they just say Hello rather than their name b/c I’m unsure for a second if I got the wrong #, accidentally called their cell phone, etc.
Woods-comma-Elle
I usually say ‘Hello, firstname speaking’. The reason is simply that my last name is foreign and people don’t know how to pronounce it so strangers get REALLY confused when I answer with it. To be fair even when I answer that way, if it is someone I don’t know, they sometimes go ‘is that Woods-comma-Elle’ so maybe I somehow don’t sound clear enough when I say my name..
cc
I say firstname lastname. For internal, I just say “hey blahname” I would never answer an external phone call with just hello, it is a little unprofessional. They don’t know if they are getting your secretary or you, or if they dialed the wrong number. So that means every single outside phone call it is going like this
You: hello?
them: hi is this so and so?
you: yes this is she.
You can avoid that all by just saying firstname lastname. Or at least first name
Anon
Haha I almost always screen my calls and then deal with voicemails in order of urgency.
Blonde Lawyer
I don’t have a direct line so all calls come through my receptionist. I say “Hi, this is first name” when I pick up. Alternatively, if I know the caller I’ll just say “Hi Joe” when I pick up. After hours when they dial by extension to me I’ll pick up “this is first name.” Inter office I just say “hi nameoncallerid.”
Ellen
We have VERY Cheep phone’s at my office and I told the manageing partner this is how I got into troubel with Gonzalo calling b/c I could NOT know who it was.
So our PROTOCOL is to answer the phone: “Hello, this is Ellen Barshevsky, can I help you?”
and then and onley then can I determine who I am talking to.
If we had new phone’s rather then the one’s from 1959, I would be abel to be more eficient by NOT answering (like I do on my cell), but I do NOT have this option on my work phone. FOOEY!
The manageing partner does NOT want to spring for new phone’s b/c he keep’s saying our lease is comeing up for reneweal soon and he is lookeing at Class B property elsewhere. I said Why not Class A property, and he said we are NOT Paul Wyze. I do NOT even know him.
Mabye if I can get a few more cases won, he will upgrade us. I would NOT mind if we moved over to 3rd Avenue, then I could just take the BUS home, and not have to deal with all of the smelley people in the subway. YAY! The last time I was down there some guy went to the bathroom (poopie) right in the stairwell on 77th. SMELLEY FOOEY!
Pest
I use C. My office still apparently thinks phones with caller ID are an unnecessary luxury, so I answer all outside calls with this. When my husband calls my work phone, he teases me by using my line.
ABC
“Hi, this is FirstName” for external calls.
Same thing or “Hi Caller’sName” for internal calls if it is someone I deal with frequently.
Jenna Rink
I usually say “Good morning/afternoon, this is firstname”. I would like to get into the habit of answering the home with my full name, but something about it just doesn’t sound right to me. But I do think that you are taken more seriously if you use your full name, and my male counterpart does, so I really need to focus on makin that adjustment. I would not answer a phone without identifying either myself or the department, because if I were on the other end of the call I would think I had called the wrong number and gotten someone’s personal line by mistake.
Monte
External calls, Firstname Lastname. Answering with “Hello, this is Firstname,” is a pet peeve of mine. It just sounds so childish.
For internal calls, where I can see my co-worker’s name on my caller ID, I answer in a way appropriate with the relationship — “Hey dude,” “Hello,” or “Firstname Lastname.”
Sydney Bristow
Anyone have travel recommendations for late June in Europe? My boyfriend and I are talking about taking a trip for about a week and spending part of that time in Amsterdam, but I’ve never been to Europe at all and would love to see another city as well while we are there. Any fantastic experiences in cities somewhat nearby? We could take a train or fly and ideally would like it to be someplace we would spend about 3-4 days. Bonus points if its a cheaper airport to fly into from NYC than Amsterdam.
Calibrachoa
I recommend Dublin ;) it’s a bit on the expensive side, but it is also lovely. (i am totally biased tho, living here and all that) but in mainland Europe, I have to recommend Prague – it’s gorgeous, has an “old” vibe to it unlike Amsterdam, and it’s easy to get to from just about anywhere.
Cb
2nd Dublin but also may be a good time to see Edinburgh before the madness of the festival begins.
Equity's Darling
I just got back from Barcelona- it was great, but I think it would be better when the weather is nicer, so I’m sure June would be perfect.
My heart misses Praugue. It was such a charming city, and left the best impression on me for the week that I was there. It is my favourite city visited ever (so far)…I bet it’s pricier than flying to Amsterdam from NYC, but, it is a lot cheaper once you get there, so even if the flight is pricier, you’ll spend around the same amount of money. Same with somewhere like Budapest, or Croatia- both of which I think are undersold visits, especially Croatia which is amazing in the summer.
Sydney Bristow
Oohh Prague is definitely on my list and it sounds like everyone agrees it should be! Which city in Croatia would you recommend?
Thanks for all the suggestions so far!
Equity's Darling
Rent a car and drive along the coast. I only did Split (and Hvar and Korcula) and Dubrovnik, and Plitvice National Park, all were amazing- I stayed in a guesthouse and spent one of the days picking olives and picnicking on Hvar, one of my fondest memories. I was in Zagreb for one day- meh? I took the train in through there. I’m not sure where they have airports, and Zagreb is fine, but the coast is way better. I have several friends that rented a car and drove down the coast when they did Croatia, and it was gorgeous from their photos, and apparently all the little towns are just so charming.
There’s a surprising amount of history in Croatia- it was part of the Roman empire, so it’s a lot like Italy, but cheaper and less touristy (though there are still a lot of tourists, it’s just not..Rome-level tourists).
springtime
I lived in Amsterdam for a few months. Highly recommend. You can fly out of Schiphol to lots of other places for very cheap, or take the train to anywhere in Belgium, Paris (3 hour train), London (5 hour train or a short flight)- the possibilities are endless.
I went to Prague from AMS and the flight (on a discount airline) was dirt cheap- like 30 euro each way cheap.
Pip
Brussels is a few hours away by train. Great food, beer, chocolate, sights, museums, art deco, comics, and, not to forget, beer. And chocolate. And a genuinely fascinating mix of people. When the EU starts hiring translators again I´ll definitely try my best to get a job there.
Amsterdam isn´t half bad either.
Jordan
Prague
Legally Brunette
I did a weekend in Brussels when I was spending a week in Paris and highly recommend both. They’re both great cities with delicious food, tons of culture, etc that are easy train rides from Amsterdam.
Calibrachoa
So at 27, I think I am having a minor hat am I doing with my lyyyyyfe!!!!” crisis. I am questioning my career,my desire to start a family, my everything and then some from the way I do my hair down to my choice of friends.
Please tell me I am not the only one who’s having/had this sort of a.. quarter-life-crisis?
goldribbons
Have you read The Defining Decade? Many people say it covers things they already knew (and that was the case for me too), but I found it was reassuring that I was doing the right things to get where I want to go, and it’s a quick read.
Calibrachoa
I’ll have to add that to my reading list, thank you for the recommendation.
Of course it might just make me go all “omg i have wasted all these years nooo!!!” but won’t know before I try :)
JessC
Yep. I’m 28, will be 29 in October. Right there with you.
*Tea, sympathy, and lots of booze*
Calibrachoa
So glad I am not the only one. *accepts gladly, offers chocolate and bath bombs in return*
Leigh
Right there with you both. 29 also in October, and I wonder where the heck the last 29 years have gone, and WHAT DID I DO WITH THEM? (sorry for the Ellen caps, but that’s how I sound when I say that in my head.)
I’ll supply the cupcakes.
JessiJames
26 here and already getting there. Even with the women in my family being very long-lived, I’m still almost a third of the way through my allotted time, and trying to figure out what the heck I’ve done with said time.
I got the cake-mix cookies and the potstickers (weirdest comfort food ever for an Irish-American girl, but go figure!). We can be confused and well-fed together!
Pest
I went through the same thing, although slightly later- around 28 or 29. I don’t know what to say except that it gets better. There is something about turning 30 that can make these dilemmas into less of a crisis and more just choices you feel confident to confront.
Calibrachoa
I admit, I actually have been looking forward to turning 30 for a while now – in part because majority of my friends are in their 30s so I feel like the odd one out.
Sydney Bristow
I hope so! I turn 30 this summer and am feeling the same way. Would reading The Defining Decade still be helpful at 29?
goldribbons
Yes. It certainly can’t hurt. I can’t emphasize how helpful it was for me.
AMB
I’m 27. There is flailing going on.
Though I have spent the evening babysitting and honestly was a little bored by it so am glad that my instinct I am so not ready for kids remains correct.
Brant
My sister and her boyfriend are coming into town this weekend to visit…and like a good host, I haven’t done much in the way of preparing. I’m really un-inspired but have to go stock the fridge. Any good ideas for meals while they’re here? They both LOVE to cook, so if I can put together a meal plan, they will happily spend 2 hours with me making it happen.
Woods-comma-Elle
A staple for me is risotto – you can put whatever you feel like it and take turns stirring while you chat away with a glass of wine or whatever. My favourite one has chorizo, peppers, courgettes and prawns. Another good one is scallops, pancetta and asparagus.
If you are vegetarian, pumpkin/sweet potato is yummy.
DC Spas?
Does anyone have any recommendations for good spas in DC for facials?
Margaret
Want to splurge on the Mandarin Oriental? It’s a fantastic experience, and my skin glowed like a 22yo for a week. I also liked my facial at Bliss at the W, but it wasn’t as awesome.
Anon
Similar but slightly different question/rant from Calibrochoa’s above. (I’m also Anon from Job Search Struggle above.) I’m 35. I’m a lawyer, went to a T14 school, then to a AmLaw 10 firm, then to a terrific (prestigious, interesting, high-impact) opportunity outside the firm. I took a bit of a detour due to family obligations, and am now working on something slightly non-traditional (sorry, don’t want to give more details because it could out me). I accepted my current job because, in this economy, no one wanted lawyers. Also, I really needed to take a job quickly because of other pressures (wow, I’m really being vague). My friends have, in the last year or two, started making partner at their firms, or become law professors, or gotten hired into fairly high level executive positions. I just feel like I haven’t accomplished anything and I don’t know how to get back on track. It’s not that I feel like there’s something I “should” be doing. It’s not that I have to be a big firm partner like my friends. If I were where I am because of choices I made about what I wanted to do with my career, I’d be perfectly happy. But I worry that I made poor choices (getting off track for family stuff) and now I’ve been side-lined and don’t know how to get back into the game. I’m looking for a new job, but as I said above, I worry that I’m in a too senior/not senior enough limbo. Also, since I haven’t practiced law this last year, and the job I had before that was not in a clear area of practice, I don’t have the skill set you’d expect someone with my law school graduation date to have. I’d be okay with coming in at a lower level, but people tend not to be interested in that (and anyway there are 100 lawyers with exactly the right skill set for any job opening, so why take a chance on someone else). I’d be okay with doing not-law, if the job was right, but I just feel completely stuck and like I’m wasting my life now, and setting myself up to feel like I’m wasting my life later down the road.
k-padi
This is a perfect excuse to activate your network. Call your friends–the partners, professors, and executives–and ask them out for lunch or happy hour. Ask about how or why they took their positions and communicate that you are looking “for the right opportunity.”
Just explain that you took your current job after your “terrific (prestigious, interesting, high-impact) opportunity” (I read that as “stressful and crazy hours”) to re-group/spend time with family/explore next steps. You’ve since gained a new perspective/learned new skills/re-grouped. Now, you want to start looking elsewhere and wonder if they could keep you in mind if something pops up.
mascot
Don’t beat yourself up too badly. We just hired someone who has a mix of firm/ in-house/ related fields but not practicing jobs. She’d tell you that her path was the not most traditional, but it was full of the right choices for her life and her career. And this broad experience she brings is valuable enough to overlook the fact that she doesn’t have the big book of business you might expect from someone her year.
Ellen
Your 35 and have a BABY? Yay! I am not sure if your MARRIED, but if you are, you should stay at home like my mom did to teeach me, and let dad be the bread winer. WHO CARES WHAT YOUR FREINDS ARE DOEING? FOOEY!
You’ve done alot already so relax with your child or get a nanny! Yay! You should not worry about working now. Enjoy your time! Go to the GYM, get a makeover at ELIZEBETH ARDEN and have lunch at 40. Carrot’s! Yay!
Calibrachoa
So this dress from Domino Dollhouse just came out for pre-order: http://www.dominodollhouse.com/index.php?dispatch=products.view&product_id=546 VERY tempted to get it, but I am wondering if it could be styled to be office-appropriate..
Anon
Even styled more conservatively, this will look like you’re trying to be a little kid or are pregnant.
Anon
Even styled more conservatively, this will look like you’re trying to be a little kid or are pregnant.
Calibrachoa
Oh, in my free time I am a total late 80s/early 90s Goth reject so it would so be worn with docs all over the place ;) I am just wondering if I could get a mulch-function piece out of it.
Calibrachoa
.. and several hours later, I realize I somehow turned “multi” into “Mulch”. *facepalm*
Accidental Pregnancy OP
Hi ladies,
I posted here a few weeks ago about an accidental pregnancy that I have now decided to keep (after getting lots of really kind and thoughtful responses from this group). I’m at about 10 weeks now and I’m wondering whether I should get genetic testing. Does anyone have thoughts on this? I initially thought sure, why not, but now I’m worried about getting a vague result (1/500, etc) and then feeling stressed about it or potentially feeling pressured to do an amnio, which has its own risks. I’m 30 and neither my husband nor I have any family history of any of the genetic diseases they’d be testing for. I guess I’m just wondering whether it really provides the peace of mind that I’m seeking, or if it just introduces the potential for anxiety?
I’d also love to hear any advice on what to look for in an OB. I’ve seen one OB and one nurse practitioner at my HMO so far, and I wasn’t thrilled with either. On the other hand, at my hospital the doctor on call is the one who delivers, so maybe it doesn’t really matter who does my check ups? There’s also the potential for me to go out of network to another doctor and hospital if I really want to, but it will cost more and be less geographically convenient. So, just t wondering if anyone has any advice on what’s really important in an OB and what doesn’t really matter.
Hope everyone has a wonderful (long) weekend!
Margaret
I did all the genetic tests, even some I wasn’t the target candidate for, because my husband and I felt it was very important to be prepared and equipped with all information possible. There were some circumstances where we would have chosen to not continue with the pregnancy, and I wanted to rule out potential problems early. Doing the testing absolutely enabled me to have a more low-stress pregnancy.
As for OBs: Your regular OB is presumably the one who will determine whether and when to induce labor and/or schedule a cesarian. This is really important. I knew that I did NOT want to induce or have a section unless absolutely necessary, so I chose a doctor with a less intervention-oriented approach. He did not do cervical checks, ultrasounds, kick counts, any of that. He did not offer to strip my membranes when I was overdue or even begin discussing induction even when I hit 41 weeks. That is the kind of doctor you want if you want to give yourself the best chance of having a vaginal delivery. Also important is your doctor’s general demeanor: some are way more strict about the no lunchmeat, no alcohol, etc. rules; if you intend to follow these types of rules carefully, you’ll want a doctor with the same mindset. I wanted one who was laid back.
Accidental Pregnancy OP
Thanks! This is really helpful.
Anonymous
You should ask to be referred to a genetic counselor. S/he can take a family history and help you decide, which, if any tests would be helpful, and will help you deal with the results.
O.
I tried to switch my OB because mine was routinely very late (over an hour) for appointments and yelled at me for 15 minutes when I requested that the office call me if she was running that late in the future (because of the way the phone system was set up, I could not call the office, but could only call a central switchboard that would relay the message to the office which would call me back within 4 hours). I had an HMO which told me I was not able to switch doctors because pregnancy was a pre-existing condition. Hopefully yours is different but it might be worth finding out before you invest too much energy in looking for a new doctor. My hospital was the same as yours in that whoever was on call delivered, and I ended up seeing three different doctors while in labor, which luckily did not include my OB. Honestly, while I was in labor I had doctors in the room for 15 minutes out of 19 hours, so I sort of feel like who your doctor is doesn’t matter at that point.
However, I agree with Margaret about finding out how interventionist your doctor is. Two days before my due date, when neither the baby nor I had any complications, my doctor insisted on scheduling an induction, which I really did not want. Luckily I went into labor 3 days before the scheduled induction.
Accidental Pregnancy OP
Yikes! That sounds super frustrating! My experience hasn’t been that bad, so far, but appointments are hard to get, and at inconvenient times + they seem to run late, + neither the OB nor the NP seemed very willing to answer questions and were in a huge hurry both times.
Saacnmama
You’ve gotten good advice here. The OB relationship is important for 9 months, but then is gone from your life. I did the testing that was recommended for me, and avoided amino
But mostly I just want to congratulate you. I saw your post about your decision too late to say anything. I hope you’re settling into a happy expectancy and wish you all the best as parents
Fiona
I got the NT scan (12 week ultrasound) and the MaterniT21 blood test, and I’m so glad I did. I found the first trimester to be so stressful because I had no way of knowing if there was something going wrong in there. The tests together really put my mind at ease. The MaterniT21 is just a straight blood draw that checks for Downs and the much more severe chromosomal disorders. It also tells you the sex of the baby well before you could find to via ultrasound, which is fun. The NT scan is a Downs screening ultrasound, but at my NT scan the doctor also checked the heart, brain, arms, legs, and growth, and said that everything looked good. I found the entire thing to be really reassuring and helpful.
Nancy P
I had to meet with a genetic counselor (my practice has one who comes in twice a week) because I’ll turn 35 2 months before I deliver. We opted for the same as Fiona, and I’m glad we did — I simply saw no reason not to. But would I have done it if I had been 5 years younger? Eh, probably, because there’s just so little downside, aside from an extra co-pay and the cost of the blood test (which I think will ultimately cost less than $200).
EB0220
If you wouldn’t terminate under any conditions, then I think the decision to get genetic testing is largely about your personality. I knew that I would need time to mentally prepare myself if any chromosomal issues were found, so we went ahead with the testing. I was prepared for more invasive testing, such as amnio, if the blood test results supported it. I do think that a genetic counselor would help you understand your family history and would also help you interpret the results.
Choosing an OB is important, in my opinion. I really liked my OB. She and her nurses were always punctual, and the doctor and I had the same laid-back approach about the pregnancy ‘rules’. At the same time, I am pretty analytical and like to have the numbers, stats, etc., and she was really good about taking time to review these types of things with me. The down side is that she was in a very large practice. Of course, I got the most inexperienced OB on call when I went into labor. She repeatedly told me not to come into the hospital when I called to discuss my symptoms, and she yelled at me when I finally decided to go in on my own. Yeah, I was 8 cm dilated when I arrived. In the end, it was my L&D nurse that mattered much more than my OB – I was on another planet when she entered my room for the final stages and cleanup. But my delivery was extremely straightforward, and I don’t think that I would have felt comfortable with her if there had been any complications whatsoever. So my general advice is: 1) Pregnancy AND childbirth philosophies should be aligned 2) Doctor should value your time and your personality types should mesh 3) I am looking for a smaller practice this time so I can have a reasonable level of familiarity with all of the doctors. I would love to find a practice where your OB actually comes, but I haven’t had any luck so far.
Anonymous
I declined all genetic testing with my kids. I didn’t want to know. We did do the ultrasounds, and nothing looked suspicious.
Test drive a few OBs and midwives before you decide. You should ‘click’ with them. I wasn’t so particular with subsequent children, but there are lots of questions and concerns with the first pregnancy, so you want someone who’s advice and counsel you trust. I wouldn’t start looking out of network yet, based on only one person.
Accidental Pregnancy OP
Thanks for all the great responses. This is really helpful. I think I’m leaning towards the genetic testing as of now, although I have a few more days to decide. As for the OB, i have an appointment with a different one (same practice) in a month, and in the meantime I’m going to start researching midwives. Thanks for all the recommendations, this is all good stuff to think about.
Anon
I am very late to this game, so this might be OBE, but I want to put in a pro for testing if it makes you feel comfortable. For both pregnancies, I got excellent nuchal scores and then for the 20-week anatomy scan received results that were considered “soft signs” for Downs. My SO and I knew we would not continue a pregnancy with Downs/similar chromosomal conditions but it was very difficult to evaluate how much import we should assign this new information and then to compare it to the risks associated with having an amnio (to confirm/deny). It was like comparing apples and oranges. I was in my mid-twenties and there were no other genetic concerns that would have raised the issue of amnio earlier. The main thing I remember was trying to figure out what the comparative risks were, and then realizing that was impossible. (It was also a clear example of the impact of law/litigation on medicine–we could not get a straight answer out of the doctor doing the tests about what he would recommend, presumably for fear of getting sued if things went bad.)
After about two weeks of fretting (amnio v. unknown), my OB in a very no-nonsense way that I treasured just said, “Look. If this thing is going to hang over your whole pregnancy and ruin it, just get the test.” That was perfect advice for me. I got the test (nothing to worry about), and then when I got similar results with no. 2, also had an amnio. The actual test was not that big of a deal physically; I tried not to think about things while it was happening, and then it was done and I felt so relieved. This is obviously capital-P Personal to me, but getting those tests were absolutely the right thing to do. And I have two awesome kiddos now. So do what makes you feel comfortable. Ten months of pregnancy is a long time to have a lurking concern.
And FWIW, do try to find an OB who you sync with. First pregnancies are a big enough deal to go through without adding feeling yucky about your doctor.
Saacnmama
Those early flags of Downs were raised in my pregnancy too. I was able to get them reolved with 3-D imaging. Amino would have been the next step. If the imaging would have raised more flags, I absolutely would have had it done. I’m a “read up on it” kind of person, so would want to prepare that way (plus getting whatever gear is needed & gettin in touch with whatever professionals whose help might’ve been required)
Accidental Pregnancy OP
Thanks, Anon, this is exactly the kind of scenario i’m fretting about now. Your perspective is really helpful.
Anon
My pleasure. I knew several ladies who had amnios but no one in my exact position, as I was (and remain, in large part) the first of my friends/peers to get pregnant. The other folks I’d casually spoken with this about were in different reasons categories (over 35, genetic reasons for testing) and I just didn’t have that one voice who’d been through something similar to tell me it’d be okay until my doctor finally did. I am pretty open about the tests I had and have talked to a few friends who are finally now getting pregnant; none have had a similar issue, so my pro-testing-for-your-mental-well-being position is somewhat moot.
Either way, even if you are objectively prepared for these kinds of considerations, it’s still hard to suddenly have the weight of a pregnancy on you and to make this sort of decision. There’s about a million things that go through your reasoning process and it’s easy to be overwhelmed. I will also say that had I gone through the usual tests (the nuchal and anatomy scan are the main non-invasive Downs tests, at least as recently as 3 years ago when I last did this) and not gotten these “soft signs” results, I would not have on my own gotten amnios. And maybe my doctors thought I was being a bit of a hypochondriac (not quite the right word, but close enough) and probably my two tests are part of the too-many-medical-procedures problem our nation’s healthcare system faces. I just knew that while I could deal with a lot of things, this was one thing that I needed an ironclad answer for.
I’ve prattled on too long, but know that it’s the case that most ladies have no reason to get amnios, don’t, and have perfectly healthy babies, especially 30-year-olds. That you are already thinking about this is great, but hopefully nothing will come up that even tips you in the direction of testing. Speaking with a genetic counselor might be sufficient to put your mind at ease (although I never did, as we were only concerned with one specific result; my impression was that path was really for more complicated genetic testing/concerns that were not present for us). I’ve also read about new tests for Downs that has been developed within the last year or two which are non-invasive and definite (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/down-syndrome/DS00182/DSECTION=tests-and-diagnosis). You might want to see if you can get any of those done.
And much belated congrats on your pregnancy.
Argh!
Advice desperately needed. I have a colleague who’s work overlaps mine. They do not share any information about their work, even if it relates to a project I’ve been assigned. Apparently this person and my predecessor had a similar relationship that deteriorated to the point they didn’t speak to each other. Manager is not likely to intervene, but I am sick of banging my head against a brick wall. Suggestions? I’m documenting update requests via email now so I have some cover.
NYNY
Are you and this colleague in the same reporting chain? I know you said manager is unlikely to help, but sometimes copying a manager on an email request can get results. Only use this tactic for critical information and upon third requests, otherwise you’ll be that woman who cc’s everyone, but judiciously applied, it can help.
think on your feet....
This. I have done this. It usually works. But I do agree you must not overuse this tactic.
Anon
Any advice for what to do when a co-worker knocks on your door even after you have put up a polite “do not disturb” sign? I really like her but the chattiness defies belief. She will come in with a work question that could easily have waited or been sent by e-mail, but will then stand there and continue to talk, even though I look pained and say I’m really behind and am having a hard time getting it all done because it seems I always have someone in my office. People often tell me I need to be “direct,” but I’m not sure how much more direct it can get, short of chucking a stapler. Am I just going to have to fake my own death?
Anon Also
“I look pained and say I’m really behind and am having a hard time getting it all done because it seems I always have someone in my office.” That is not being direct.
Direct: “I can’t chat right now. I’ll come find you when I’m free.”
Or don’t respond to the knock. Or as I’ve seen people do, add “Please send email.” To the sign.
Monte
Agreed. You need to not answer the knock. If she barges in anyway, ask, “Is this life or death?” Assuming no, tell her that you cannot talk. If she refuses to go away, continue with your task (reading email, writing memo) and tell her you will have to talk to her another time. If she gets no feedback from you, she is not likely to stick around. But you need to make it clear that you will not engage, and you need to do it at each stage of the interaction.
cc
Agree that you are not being very direct. Don’t answer the knocked door. If she opens it anyway, say “hey soandso, is this an emergency?” If she says no, i just was wondering cut her off and say “please send it to me in an email, and i’ll stop by later when I am free”
cbackson
I’m studying for the bar at work (yes, because I am a control freak) and I have a Do Not Disturb sign on my door. Someone opened the door recently and I literally just said (without looking up) “Sign says Do Not Disturb, son”. And he went away.
This maybe only works if you already have kind of a reputation for eccentricity in the office.
Anon
Thank you all, this is helpful. I am surprised that a Do Not Disturb sign coupled with “I can’t get anything done because I always have someone in my office” is not direct! Well, that’s what this board is for! Again, much appreciated.
Saacnmama
The reason people find that statement indirect is that the person to whom it is addressed might not realize that they are “people” in your office. People like to think of themselves as special, not part of the herd, so when you tell them you’ve been stampeded, they don’t realize you mean them too
Anon Also
“I look pained and say I’m really behind and am having a hard time getting it all done because it seems I always have someone in my office.” That is not being direct.
Direct: “I can’t chat right now. I’ll come find you when I’m free.”
Or don’t respond to the knock. Or as I’ve seen people do, add “Please send email.” To the sign.
C
Does anyone have recommendations for botox in the DC area. I went to my dematologist this morning, and she confirmed it may be time to consider starting, however when I approached the staff about scheduling and costs – they sell by syringe, not unit, and each syringe is $550. I found this to be pretty high – does anyone have any recommendations or even just to tell me this is in line for the local area?
Totally Frivolous TJ about Lady Gardens...
….How well tended is everyone’s lady garden?
I am just curious. Pale skin, dark, fast growing hair, and I shave outside the bikini line but everything inside is au natural.
I’m planning on keeping it this way. The SO doesn’t mind in the least, I can’t fathom having stubble in the region, and I am not willing to pay more $$ on any sort of treatment. And part of me feels it would be strange to try to simulate pre-pubescent lady gardens. It may be the hippy upbringing.
But sometimes I get the feeling every lady is bare except for me. So informal poll–what do you do?
Anonymous
Brazillian wax – all of it. I’ll be honest, I personally feel cleaner with it all gone. I’m a runner, and sweating there can be uncomfortable.
anon
Me too, when LGPs are to be had – and I do feel sexier and cleaner. It gets too expensive to maintain when I’m not actively watering my garden, so I leave it be unless I’ve got a gardener.
It grows pretty neatly (I didn’t understand what people meant when they said “shaving the bikini line” for a long time) but is thick and dark.
Anonymous
I also prefer hair-free. I had the same weirdness about it the first time as the OP (pre-pubescent girl, um???) but I love it. I keep it even when I’m not hosting LGPs. I used to do routine brazillian waxes. Now I use Veet at home.
anon
I have real issues with ingrowns so hair removal isn’t a great option for me. I trim the area using a scissors when my hair gets long. I’m single and LGPs are not serious enough to warrant giving a d@mn about what he thinks of the weeds in my flower bed.
I just bought a swimming suit that has shorts-like bottoms that more than cover the stragglers. Even though everyone “knows” why I don’t wear a normal swimming suit, I just don’t care.
Nina
This is me as well. Tend bikini line when swimming, trim a bit because I prefer it that way for hygiene reasons, and that’s it. I’m married, and I’ve had about five partners total, and only one (who was generally a jerk) expressed displeasure. I think women are all over the map with their mowing, and you shouldn’t feel at all like X or Y is standard.
JessiJames
Shave it into a landing strip, everything that isn’t in that little rectangle is gone. I agree with the girls who said it just feels cleaner, not to mention sexier when LGPs are happening.
Been pondering finding someone to wax said garden (shall we refer to them as groundskeepers? XD) but I’m not sure about price and pain tolerance. It’d be nice to not have to shave every third day or so, but…
anon
I pay ~$60+tip per time and need to do it every 3 weeks or so to keep the garden maintained (if your hair grows slower, maybe you’d have more time). It hurts but not impossibly so (particularly on the.. top? front?) but it does get things MUCH barer than I can ever get it by shaving, and it saves a ton of time.
Need to Improve
Laser hair removal. I had it all taken off 5 years ago and now I don’t have to do a thing–no shaving, waxing, worrying. Nothing. It’s the best investment I could have made.
Calibrachoa
I keep mine trimmed down for comfort; it’s blonde and pretty sparse down there so I don’t really have a problem with it. SO has no preference. I get the ingrown hairs, too, from shaving and have yet to find a way to justify the cost of wax to myself.
Anon
My lady garden is lush and resplendent.
Anon for this
Mine as well!
anon 2
And so is mine! Happily so. I’m not a little girl, it’s been a long. long time.
cc
Who cares what other ladies do? Do what works for you. I have most of it right now, but have had it bare before. Let’s not get into the oh why do you want to look like a 12 year old girl discussion. Some people like it better off, some people don’t.
OP here
Point taken. I have no intention of changing what I do, and have no intention of judging anyone else. I was just explaining my personal reasoning. In fact, most of my close, dear, wonderful friends are bare–which is one of the reasons I was curious about what other people do!
Non Twit
I don’t care what other people do, but I am curious about it.
Alice
OK, I have a question about whether or not to tell people at work that I live with my boyfriend (we’ve been dating 5 years, living together 3, planning on getting married at some point).
I started at my first post-law school job 4 months ago, and of course, small talk happens, and I’ve mentioned to at least 2 or 3 colleagues that I have a boyfriend. My office is fairly collegial and people talk about their families/personal lives, but don’t ask prying questions or anything.
Should I avoid mentioning we live together, in case it ruffles more conservative feathers? I have kind of avoided that, but I actually feel a little awkward because I feel I’m giving off a young/casual/single vibe when I’m really, really not. Not that young and single is a problem, I just don’t like feeling disingenuous, when really I’m in a comfortable relationship where we are talking about kids and having trouble staying up later than midnight on weekends.
k-padi
Unless you live in a very, very conservative area, I don’t think living together ruffles any feathers anymore. But, if you need something more definitive, ask yourself: Is anyone else in your office open about living with their boy/girlfriend? Anyone talk about how their now-wife lived with them before they were married? Anyone in your office openly LGBT? If so, it’s all good.
I wouldn’t make an announcement, I’d just stop filtering myself when making small talk. Instead of “BF was at my place this weekend to help me paint my living room.” say “BF and I painted our living room this weekend.”
SFBayA
Wow do I live in a bubble. People care if people live together before marriage anymore? In 2013?? Seriously?!?! K-p’s advice about “our” home is a good one. Very elegantly done.
Alice
Thanks to both of you. I personally don’t feel like it’s a big deal at all. I live in DC, by the way, but am from Northern CA, so it’s not super conservative. But everyone in my office, my age or older, seems to be either (1) absolutely single; or (2) married;. So I just wasn’t sure! At the same time, we’re not really in a rush to get married, so I guess I might as well allow it to slip into conversation now rather than later.
Alice
Although in a related question — what terms do people use for long-term, living-together, not-married relationships?
I do “boyfriend.” It doesn’t sound particularly serious, but the only alternative I can think of is “partner.” And while that is fine, I have seen it lead to some confusion.
viclawstudent
I say “partner” – I think that “boyfriend” suggests a different relationship than one that’s been going on for six years with cohabitation for five of those (as it has in my case). If by confusion you mean about gender, I think that’s easy enough to clear up if you want to do so – the first time I mention him to someone, I usually say, “[His Name], my partner, did XYZ.” If you mean confusion in a business sense (ie you’re not talking about your partners at the law firm), usually context gives that way pretty quickly.
Cb
I hate this! I’m in the early stages of a relationship but ‘boyfriend / girlfriend’ feels so juvenile to me. Partner is too serious, this ‘guy I’m seeing’ sounds dismissive.
Amy H.
I used “SO” for years (while living together and before we got married).
cc
Oh my gosh every couple I know in DC lives together. You are over thinking it! But I did the same thing when I mentioned that I lived with my bf on my 3rd day of work. I kind did the oh I hope it was ok once it was out. But really, not a big deal