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In a “pigs are flying past my window” moment, I am seriously considering buying over-the-knee boots. I keep seeing women wearing them with jeans and leggings, and — so long as the heel is flat or nearly flat — they always look amazingly chic and stylish, and not at all like pirates. The Nordstrom shoe clearance sale has a number of good options, all marked down. For example, these suede boots from uber-comfortable brand Børn come in three colors, and are marked 45% off — the boots were $259.95, but are now marked down to $142.96. Børn Crown ‘Cady' Over the Knee Boot
(L-4)
Psst: Check out more great deals at the Corporette Bargains page!
Update: I forgot to mention: Happy Presidents' Day Weekend to everyone! If I see any good sales, you know I'll round them up, so stay tuned…
Sales of note for 9.30.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Fall Cyber Monday sale, 40% off sitewide and $5 shipping
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!
Some of our latest threadjacks include:
- What to say to friends and family who threaten to not vote?
- What boots do you expect to wear this fall and winter?
- What beauty treatments do you do on a regular basis to look polished?
- Can I skip the annual family event my workplace holds, even if I'm a manager?
- What small steps can I take today to get myself a little more “together” and not feel so frazzled all of the time?
- The oldest daughter is America's social safety net — change my mind…
- What have you lost your taste for as you've aged?
- Tell me about your favorite adventure travels…
momentsofabsurdity
I found this article really thought provoking and am curious to see what the Hive thinks. I’ve always had a bit of an ethical issue with unpaid internships but this article presented the issue from an angle I’d hadn’t considered:
http://www.theatlantic.com/sexes/archive/2013/02/unpaid-internships-are-a-rich-girl-problem-and-also-a-real-problem/273106/
ss
Can’t get excited about it. There are other labour situations where employers and employees are willing participants but which seem to me far more deserving of change/ regulation/ legislative intervention eg. longer duration of US maternity leave.
roses
Agree with one part and not the other. I do think it’s very much a problem that society has set up a “can’t win” situation for interns in the fashion/magazine/etc industries that the article focuses on: they are seen as “spoiled” for living off of their parents’ money, but if they ask to get paid they are seen as greedy or entitled. The author is right that I think it really is reminiscent of women who were underpaid because they were seen as not “needing” the money. That’s a real problem, and if interns actually get to the point where they are significantly contributing to their offices, they should be encouraged to highlight their contributions to their superiors and ask for compensation.
At the same time, I think that specifically in these industries, there should be barriers to entry. The supply of young people that want to work in fashion and such far outstrip demand, so it makes sense that there would be some kind of filtering mechanism. There’s also not the danger in fashion (as there is in unpaid political internships) that it would be really detrimental to society if poorer young adults were locked out of that career. Unfair? Probably. Somewhat stifling of creativity? Sure. But not actually harmful to society. Whereas locking poorer people out of a career in politics because they can’t afford to have the unpaid internship needed to move up the ranks is seriously harmful for democracy. The solution there though is to remove the expectation that one has to “pay their dues” with a meaningless unpaid internship that consists of nothing more than fetching coffee and giving tours of Congress before being considered for a “real” position.
Monday
I’m not sure about your second paragraph, re not being harmful to society to lock out people who can’t afford to work for free. I see what you’re saying, absolutely, about the distinction from politics. But if you believe that art has a beneficial function in society, and that fashion is a form of art, then there is some harm being done by excluding people from less affluent backgrounds. I don’t identify as an artist, but I have friends in these fields, and they really are deeply bothered by the barrier you’re talking about (even if they themselves don’t suffer as a result). We’re also talking about acting, visual arts, dance etc.
There’s a somewhat analogous phenomenon among academics who don’t get secure full-time jobs: the compensation for contingent higher ed teaching is so low that you really can’t do it and support yourself sustainably–and these are not interns, they’re people well into their careers. Personally I do think something is lost in each of these cases.
roses
Is there really a problem with unpaid internships in acting and the actual creation of art? From what I gathered, the article was talking about the world of fashion merchandising and advertising – Vogue and that sort of thing. I think that’s a lot different that people who create art themselves, in which case it always seemed to be a sink-or-swim thing; if you’re good you make it, if not you move on to something else. I could be wrong though – I’m not personally familiar with the arts industry.
Monday
Based on my second-hand knowledge, arts fields are more like non-arts fields than one might assume. Being around, knowing certain people, and having your work noticed at the right place and time can be the key difference between talented people who make it and talented people who don’t. (Meaning it’s not a pure meritocracy as you suggest–but then I think few things really are.) And I’d say fashion merchandising and marketing are still creative fields. So yes, I do think it does come down to the creation of art and is thus a problem.
Miss Behaved
On a random but tangentially related note, there’s a new movie coming out where Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson lose their jobs and then get work as unpaid interns for Google. They’re about 15 years older than all of the paid employees. It should be kind of awesome.
TJ - kind of like prom...
I feel like I should know the answer to this question,but….
When you are going to an event with your SO, do you think about coordinating clothes?
In this hypothetical (not-so-hypothetical) question, you are going to a wedding with your SO, who does not wear suits on a daily basis, and in fact, basically just wants to wear what you put in front of him. You are wearing a kelly green cocktail dress. Do you take that into consideration in choosing his suit/tie at all? Or is that totally high school prom-y?
Anon
My husband will sometimes pick out a tie that matches my dress, and people sometimes comment that it is cute that we match. But we are weird, haha!
TJ - kind of like prom...
In moderation for c*cktail….
I feel like I should know the answer to this question,but….
When you are going to an event with your SO, do you think about coordinating clothes?
In this hypothetical (not-so-hypothetical) question, you are going to a wedding with your SO, who does not wear suits on a daily basis, and in fact, basically just wants to wear what you put in front of him. You are wearing a kelly green c*cktail dress. Do you take that into consideration in choosing his suit/tie at all? Or is that totally high school prom-y?
momentsofabsurdity
I see the practicality of it – someone will probably snap a few pictures of the two of you. I would definitely go for complementary but *not* matching colors (which would look very high school prom). I think navy or purple might set off kelly geen nicely.
Sutemi
We generally choose clothes that are equally formal in style and that don’t clash, but don’t specifically go for matching.
Cat
Never matching, but designed to be complementary or at the least not clashing. So if I’m wearing a red dress, he doesn’t wear a purple tie — he’d be in silver or blue. Or if he’s in a red sweater, I’ll choose teal or cream rather than pink.
NYNY
My DH and I didn’t think about this at a recent wedding we attended and ended up looking matchy-matchy – he wore a black suit, indigo shirt, and black/blue/silver striped tie, I wore a cobalt dress and silver statement necklace. We look like we’re going to middle aged prom in some of the photos.
Irene Adler
I’ve read on this site about great the personal shopping service at Nordstrom–has anyone used it in the LA/OC area? Any recommendations?
Me-too
I haven’t, but would love to know the answer to this question as well!
Saacnmama
Just dropped by to say hi. When I posted last week about having trouble switching gears between various types of tasks, someone helpfully pointed out that although I think of stopping by here as a “walking into the office”/settling into work sort of thing to do, I was basically telling people hi, good morning every time I shifted positions in my chair, so I decided to cut back. Then “it” hit again. At fist I was hoping to still get work done, but for the last couple of days it’s been all crisis management, all the time. This seemed to be under control in the fall/early winter, but had a few flares in January and now is really demanding attention. My attention–no one else can do it. So we are setting up long-term ways to deal with it, and of course that takes time to do. It’s pretty scary at the moment. Getting back to work is on a back burner. I was resentful during the Jan flares because I really wanted to be job-hunting and getting publications out, but now I can’t see how I could handle this while working. We thought we had taken care if it before, I hope it does get totally resolved now.
Saacnmama
I suppose I do have a question to tack on to this–same one as in that TPS report, but whereas lots of people there got caught up in talking about just one of my responsibilities (good housecleaning suggestions though!) I think now the need for switching between them all is clearer. As we get this thing under control, I’m going to have to get back to my stuff–publications and job search. It will be hard for me to focus on that. I’ll be tempted to “take a housecleaning break” but won’t get much done there either. Any suggestions on forcing yourself to focus on one responsibility when others are calling your name?
mascot
A riff on the Pomodoro technique. Use the actual 25 minutes pomodoro for a little task like cleaning the kitchen. Then dedicate bigger chunks of time for bigger tasks, like in the next three days, I will work on getting information for a publication. You can break those tasks up in smaller digestible pieces too. Resisting the urge to multi-task is the biggest challenge.
anon
Get a job? Seriously, even if its just a part-time one, not realated to you field, the exercise of reporting somewhere, on a schedule, committing to it could be really useful and help focus your time. I struggle the most with focus when I have the “luxury” of distraction. If I know I have to be out of the house at 8:#0 for work, and that between finishing at 1pm and picking up son at 3:30pm, I’m much more likely to use those hours productively.
It sounds in a lot of your posts like you’re focused on getting the perfect job, with the ability to relocate overseas etc etc and a clean house, and organic food, and lots of time to devote to son. But these are all luxuries. If you had to support yourself, would you buckle down and take a job? Then jump to that stage. It will be easier to move forward productively once you start moving at all.
Saacnmama
“you’re focused on getting the perfect job, ”
Ha! If only! Right now the focus is on getting through this once and for all.
Saacnmama
And getting a job will be much easier if I can get some publications out. Unless you’re talking about pumping gas or working the teller window. It makes no sense to toss out my past work experience, but the field I’ve worked in and related fields all depend on writing.
anonny
Yup, ANY.JOB. Starbucks? School librarian? Tutoring? ANYTHING. What would happen if you had to support yourself right now?? What if “this” never stops flaring up? Are you just going to be unemployed (and then unemployable) forever?
Saacnmama
Rolling my eyes.
NYCG
I may be missing something (I am relatively new to the site), but I have no idea what “it” is. Maybe Saacnmama is battling severe flare-ups of crohn’s disease, or depression, or has a daughter who is anorexic and cutting herself. She could be a domestic violence victim. Your harsh words may be a much-needed kick in the *ss but you may also be kicking someone while she is down. I just don’t know, so I’m suspending judgment.
My advice to saacnmama: force yourself to write 30 minutes every morning. You should be able to claim that amount of time for something that is important to you. Let this be all you demand of yourself, but do it every day, or at least every weekday, even if you’re uninspired, or not feeling well, or some other distraction is calling out at you. No excuses: it’s only 30 minutes.
I think you’ll find that quite often, you end up writing much longer. Even if not, 30 minutes five days a week is a lot better than nothing.
NOLA
Hey saacnmama, maybe what you need is to get yourself on a writing schedule. I like NYCG’s idea, but if you think of writing as your current job, you need to do it a certain number of hours a day. I found, when on sabbatical and working on writing projects, that I needed structure or I’d never get anything done. I got up at the same time every day, exercised, then sat down to write, took a lunch break, then worked more in the afternoon. I still had some flexibility to do housework, etc., but I did about 3-4 hours of writing or research 4 days a week. I gave myself a day off every week because one of my sabbatical goals was to volunteer at my church. Just a thought.
anonny
So then you’re just going to keep being supported by your parents forever? Do they have enough $ enough to continue that for the rest of your life? If so then by all means keep doing what you’re doing.
Saacnmama
Thanks Mascot, NYCG and NOLA! You’re on the right track about the degree of severity of this family issue. Much as I wish I could pass it off onto someone else, it is up to me to help out. NOLA, I’d been trying to accomplish a specific writing task per day. I’ll have to try your variation on the Pomodoro. Getting support from you guys is great!
Appointments have been made for Wed & Fri, and I’ve already done one consultation on the phone, so hoping to get this taken care of once and for all (which is what I thought we had done in Nov & Dec).
anon
I’m not sure why you’re rolling your eyes at the suggestion to get any job. You’re obviously stuck now, I’m not sure why you’d turn up your nose at the suggestion to try something different. If your life issues now are incompatible with research and writing independently, so be it. But pushing yourself into a job (which, by the way doesn’t need to be pumping gas. tutoring? teaching locally? office work?) might get you in the habit of putting your work first, at least for a little bit each day, and ultimately get you back into the swing of writing in your field.
Saacnmama
NYCG, I’ve just put together that after I take my Synthroid every morning, I have to wait 30 min before eating. I had been snoozing a bit longer, but these days I’m sleeping less. If I use that time to write, it will get the writing and its issues foremost in my mind, which would probably help me get back to it later in the day as I have time. The biggest problem hasn’t been finding the time–it’s been flipping that switch to get into the writing in the snippets I have, so starting the day that way might be just what I need to do.
Non Twit
I write fiction but the only thing that works for me is to just do it. I know this isn’t helpful to you, and it isn’t/wasn’t helpful to me, but it is the only thing that works. I typically sit down at my computer with a set amount of time (could be 30 minutes, could be an hour) and a word count goal (for an hour the goal is usually 800) and just write. There will always always always be a distraction (big or small, real or imagined — maybe right now your distraction is big and real, but that might not always be the case) and you need to pay yourself first in time, just like with money. You’re worth it.
2/19 Anon
It seems like you are looking for a very specific answer to your posts (ex – someone telling you that they agree with your approach). If you are mostly looking for reassurance, then just say that at the beginning of your post, instead of shooting every other idea down.
new york associate
I actually like the suggestion of getting a job – any job – on a part time basis. Look, what you’ve been doing so far isn’t working, so how does it hurt to just shake it up a little bit? If money is really not an issue for you, you could even find a volunteering position. The key is to have something in your schedule that is immutable and forces you to get out of the house on a regular schedule. I say this as someone who has been involved with many struggling graduate students and the thing that seems true is that if they’re having trouble writing, more time is not always the answer. Sometimes they just need a schedule and routine.
cfm
Agree with the suggestion to get a job or volunteer position. It sounds like time isn’t really the problem, its the dedication to actually doing it. Having a set schedule could really help with that I think.
sorry...
I know that I’ll be attacked for being snarky but saacnmama was *the* reason that I stopped reading The Juggle comments. I know none of us are made to read this blog but everytime that name shows up I try to ignore her comments. Saacnmama I wish you the best but …therapy? career counselor? pastor/rabbi/priest/iman?
me too!
You are not the only one turned off. I try to skip these threads, but sometimes it’s more difficult when the same person is participating in every other discussion.
anonaswell
I am surprised that so far no one has suggested “spend less time posting on this site” as a solution to saacnmama’s time management problem
Snarkster
LOL right? Clearly she as time to write
cc
Without knowing what “it” is, lots of people have to deal with emergencies while they work. I think it might actually be harder to deal with it when you are not working, because it might feel like all your time should be dedicated to “it” when really four hours a day or whatever would be enough. Whatever it is, even if its terrible and time consuming, you should easily be able to job hunt during it, even if its just an hour a day. This is a random question, but can I ask if English is your first language? The tone on your posts have a cadence that reminds me of my mother in laws writing and I was just wondering your background.
Clearly Speaking
I have to ask: Did anyone else get a valentine from a co-worker this week and did it seem juvenile and/or just a little creepy to you?
cc
I would find that a little odd. But I am hoping he/she gave them to everyone. A bunch of people brought it some sweets to the office but not valentines
Saacnmama
Aren’t “creepy” and “juvenile” diametrically opposed? I’m trying to picture a Valentine that would be both at once maybe a frat boy joke, if that bothers you.
Non Twit
Maybe it is juvenile and creepy or whatever, but meh. In isolation I wouldn’t think anything of it in a world where folks bring automatic weapons in to schools. Spread the love.
cfm
Dude. Come on.
Lady Enginerd
Or, alternatively, an unexpected envelope at work from a mystery “secret admirer” in a world where people have sent anthrax through the mail can be pretty darn freaky too. Same with receiving unexpected mystery chocolates in a world where people spike drinks with scary drugs. So, yes, I reserve the right to be creeped out by my mystery valentine even if there are bigger problems in the world.
I agree with cfm. Dude. Come on.
SJ
I got a Snoopy valentine from one of my coworkers. It didn’t stop me from eating the attached Twix but I definitely thought it was a little juvenile. And while I agree with Non Twit that we should be spreading the love, I’m still trying to get a handle on how festive to be in this environment where people have gel clings on their windows of red and pink hearts, decorated for Mardi Gras and went all out for Christmas. I can appreciate their devotion to decorating but I have no intention of decorating my office. In some ways, it reminds me of high school and people decorating their lockers.
Lady Enginerd
I got a creepy one, reminiscent of the snl sketch… it was both creepy and juvenile.
Gail the Goldfish
I ordered a Quincy pencil skirt on final sale and it doesn’t quite fit, so I thought I’d see if anyone here wants to take it off my hands. It’s the Elliot pencil skirt in black–they don’t have anything on their website any more, but it’s just a plain black pencil skirt. Size 28 regular. It fits me fine in the waist but is too tight in my thighs (I’m very pear shaped). It would probably work for someone who’s a straighter size 4 than me. I paid $30 and just want to get that back. If you’re in NYC, I can meet you somewhere to exchange. Email me at [thissite]clothesswap at gmail dot com
Miss Marple
Anyone here own an Acura, Mercedes, or Audi? I’d love to hear about your good or bad experiences. My priorities are safety (maximize my chances of walking away from a bad accident) and reliability (won’t spend much time in the shop). I will probably buy Certified Pre-Owned for the Mercedes/Audi, new for the Acura.
mascot
I have had an Acura SUV for 3 years now and love it. Only issues have been warranty related claims which the dealer was able to fix. I take it to the dealer for service and find that the service costs are much cheaper for Acura than they were for a Lexus and Volvo. Handles well in wet weather, fun to drive, plenty of bells and whistles for a good price. Another family member has had the same model for about twice as long and has also been very pleased with the way it has held up.
Susie
My first car was an Acura Integra and I loved it. It had 160k miles on it when I got it and I retired it still running well after 300k miles! I was good about doing the routine maintenance and never had any major problems. My current car is a Mercedes slk230 which is an awesome little car, no issues, but I still have a soft spot for the Integra.
Divaliscious11
Am on my second, technically 3rd Mercedes (took over my husbad’s sedan after kidlet#2). Maintenance isn’t cheap, but I generally only go in for scheduled maintenance. Had a wagon, loved it but needed more room so now have an R class. Will likely upgrade to GL …
lucy stone
My aunt is on her second Acura (first one lasted about 15 years!) and loves them. Her model is a bit larger than I’d prefer, but I enjoy driving it.
ss
Have owned successive Mercedes (E class) and can speak to their safety, having been in an incident where the car behind me couldn’t brake in time and slammed into me at speed. Luckily no one was hurt but the front of the other car was really crushed in whereas mine only somewhat dented. Similar experience by another family member, so for this reason alone I’d probably never consider another make.
Mixed feelings about reliability though. I’ve had mine in different countries and have experienced them delivered as fully-assembled from Germany as well as shipped flat and locally assembled, and would be wary of the latter. Both of the latter which I’ve owned required a lot of return trips to the dealer in the first few months, mostly involving fixes for complicated electronics which clearly had not been installed right when locally assembled (I think buying 2nd hand would allow you to avoid this though). Also, fwiw, they have gotten a lot more electronic/ less mechanical in recent years (same as most other cars I expect) – every small hiccup eg. jammed auto window requires a trip back to the (expensive) specialist workshop, instead of a quick tinker by a neighborhood mechanic.
Bloom
Second this comment. I was personally in an accident in a Mercedes sedan in which the state patrol declared it a miracle that no one was even scratched. The car was totaled, but no one in it needed to even go to the hospital, and two people in the backseat weren’t wearing seatbelts. Essentially, any other vehicle in the situation would have rolled several times, but the Mercedes did not. But, the maintenance was expensive compared to other cars I’ve owned.
I would also highly caution against buying a used Audi. We bought one to replace the Mercedes, and it had a myriad of major problems – cracked gas tank, axle issues, etc., and recalls of certain car parts. This was, according to the mechanic we used, not an isolated incident with this one car, but a problem that Audi had for a few years. These issues are likely resolved now, but it turned me off on Audi.
Miss Marple
Thanks to everyone who replied. Your comments were very helpful.
KinCA
It might be too late for this. I own a Mercedes C300 and have for almost 5 years now. I got it, new, in 2008, and I LOVE my car – it’s fun to drive, safe, and reliable.
Yes, the scheduled maintenance is expensive (even when it was under warranty), but I literally have not had any other problems (not one!) in 5 years (knock on wood). It goes in the shop once a year for routine maintenance and that’s it.
weight loss, stress, and TTC??
Not sure if anyone is still reading, but hoping the Hive can kick me in the pants today…
I had a nasty run in with the scale this morning…. I have been slacking on working out and eating well for a few months now, so I expected to be a little heavier than I was last time I weighed myself, but I did not anticipate the 15 lb jump that was staring back at me (and this is 15 lbs. on top of a weight that I already was not super happy with). I’m tall, and can gain a lot of weight before I start to notice a difference in the way my clothes fit (a blessing and a curse, I suppose), but I’m getting to the point where only maybe 1/3 of my closet fits and looks good. And even more importantly, I just feel sluggish and uncomfortable in my own skin. I’m so mad at myself for letting it get to this point, but it’s time to get my act together. Realistically, I need to lose 25-30 lbs.
Two issues are basically paralyzing me right now, and I’m hoping you all have some advice for me:
First, I have never been this heavy before, and that amount of weight loss seems totally overwhelming. In the past, I’ve been about 5-10 lbs heavier than I’d like to be, and I just added a couple of jogs a week and more veggies and got myself back in line pretty quickly. I’m going through a very high stress, high time commitment phase in my job right now, and I’m exhausted just thinking about adding exercise, food prep and calorie counting, especially for the length of time it will take for me to make a significant difference. I’ve made some half-hearted attempts to get back on track over the past few months, but I always slip back into the takeout/couch cycle after just a few days. Any advice?
Second, my husband and I are TTC. We’ve only been actively trying for 2 months yet (not sure if successful this go round). I know my weight gain is not helping our chances, so add that to my motivation. I am a little worried about embarking on a new exercise routine and restricting calories when potentially pregnant. This is just an excuse in my head, right? Is there anything I should avoid or keep in mind while losing weight and TTC?
Sorry this got so long! Thanks in advance :)
Bloom
My first reply didn’t show up, so I hope this one works!
My MD said not to worry about exercise and diet while TTC unless you are exercising to a point that its affecting your monthly cycle, or dieting to a point where your BMI is lower than the recommended range for your height. So no worries on that front!
Silvercurls
Instead of completely revising the way you approach food prep and consumption, try making a few small changes in one or two areas of your food or exercise life: eliminate or significantly restrict something very high-calorie, increase your exercise slightly (nothing drastic) and try one or two mind games with yourself about having an apple instead of a brownie, or only one brownie instead of two, or plain steamed broccoli instead of broccoli with melted cheese, or whatever. This won’t produce dramatic weight loss in a short time but it will slow or stop the momentum that had you gaining, and give you time to adapt to the first few adjustments before you add any more.
IME changing food habits is about as speedy as redirecting an ocean liner. Some people can make all of the changes overnight (based on willpower alone) without any backsliding; I’m not one of those people.
Details: After consulting a dietician, whose basic advice was to limit carbohydrates and make sure that I was eating low-fat rather than high-fat protein, I followed enough of her recommendations to switch from gaining to maintaining my weight. I’m not giving you specific quantities because that’s probably going to vary from person to person. At my follow-up appointment a month later, when it was clear I was maintaining rather than reducing, she suggested that I defer weight loss completely while resolving some other life issues. I agreed–but also began to implement a few more of her recommendations (e.g., fry an egg using the cooking oil spray instead of a tablespoon of olive oil, using butter substitute instead of butter), so that in my second month of working with her I’m gradually switching from _only_ maintaining to alternately maintaining and losing a little bit. With this new routine my “hovering” weight has gone down by about 1 pound. I know I’ll have to step it up some more to reach my final goal, but by going very slowly I’m able to internalize the new habits instead of just imposing them on myself like a dictator. (“No! You cannot eat that brownie! that mayonnaise! or that fried egg!”) Life is stressful enough without me turning into my own private Food Police.
Saacnmama
The old “cut out soda” trick seems to be working for me–4 lbs since NYE. So I agree with this advice to find one thing to be consistent on. In time you can add another.
I hate to say it, but when baby comes you aren’t going to have tons of time & energy for ideal nutrition. Might as well start figuring out how to eat pretty well with little energy now. For some people that means cooking up a big pot of something on the weekend. My crock pot hasn’t been used since I bought it 8 mos ago, so I’m not going to tell you that works for everyone. But if you’re doing takeout, why not spend some time looking up nutrition facts on your options so you can eat well while you’re eating simply?
On weight and TTC–I was around 20% body fat, working out regularly, before I decided to have a child. The way things were going, I was slacking off on exercise when we actually started. Second month I had cravings for Taco Bell tacos (I’m a vegetarian). I got them, and got pregnant. I won’t say TB is a fertility drug, but to me that one anecdote suggests that your body knows what it needs. If you are craving something, don’t overdo (I never got more than 1) but give in.
You do want to have some kind of workout routine in place before baby comes, but same as the food, it shouldn’t be too strenuous or you will not continue once you’re a mom. Getting a handicapped parking tag when I was preggo was a big mistake–should’ve taken those extra steps!
Good luck to you. Tell hubby to be extra nice!
Plan B
I remember when I was on the Weight Watchers program about 10 years ago, they talked about not thinking of the total amount you have to lose, but about breaking it up into smaller increments – like 10% of what you weigh now. For me, it made losing the weight seem more realistic than thinking about the 40 or so pounds I wanted to lose at that time.
I personally don’t have success losing weight (or even really maintaining it, for that matter) unless I exercise regularly and plan my meals. Every weekend, I look at my schedule and determine how many meals I’m going to be eating at home and how many days I’ll be in the office, and I make salads to take to work and enough healthy meals to cover the weeknights that I’ll be around. When I can manage this consistently, I notice a difference in how I look and how I feel.
Good luck!
M-C
You seem confused about an important point – fat is good for conception, it’s lack of fat that can cause problems. Have a bit of chocolate and calm down :-).
weight loss, stress, and TTC??
Haha, I like this strategy ;) I’ve just been applying it too much recently!
Thank you to everyone for your advice. Even just writing everything out has helped my motivation already. I am planning to take some baby steps this week and make good decisions easier – I went to the grocery store and stocked up on easy healthy food and broke out my crockpot!
Meg Murry
Don’t know if you will see this today, but for me it’s pre-planning that really makes all the difference between maintaining vs gaining weight (I haven’t managed to lose much recently, but I’ll start with not gaining any more). So if you can manage it, try to pre-plan meals, pre-plan what you’ll wear so you’ll have time to eat breakfast, etc.
A few other tips: if the pre-planning falls apart (oh fridge full of rotting produce I never managed to turn into a meal, I’m looking at you), come up with “less bad” Plan Bs. For instance, once you determine that you aren’t going to be able to cook the super healthy meal you had planned if you want to eat before 10 pm. Rather than just throw up your hands a go through a drive thru or get greasy takeout, could you stop at the grocery store and get bagged salad and pre-cooked chicken? Maybe not as healthy as you had planned, but not all the way falling down to total junk food. Also, for me, I tend to gain weight when I’m not getting a good night’s sleep – I don’t know if I subconciously eat larger portions, make poorer choices or if my metabolism shifts or what, but make an effort to get some sleep – running on exhaustion always causes me to put on a few pounds. Last – if you are TTC or pregnant, don’t allow yourself to give in to every craving every time – what starts out as a simple chocolate craving becomes a multiple times a day vending machine habit (in my case), and once it becomes a habit its REALLY hard to break post pregnancy. I’m not saying don’t enjoy a little chocolate, but once chocolate/ice cream/cheese/drive thru become daily habits, its really hard to just stop it all postpartum.
Last, if you are really having trouble with weight gain and TTC, ask your doctor to check out your hormone and blood sugar levels – you could have undiagnosed thyroid or hormone imbalances.
OP
I did see this – thank you! I really appreciate your advice and definitely need to remember to have a “plan B.” It’s so easy to throw your hands up and fall off the wagon when life gets busy, but there are definitely not-so-bad options that should be my second choice!
Megan
Feed Your Face book is amazing for loosing weight. After reading this book and changing my diet all my skin problems went away and I lost 20 pounds without much effort. I look better then I did when I was 16/17 (I ma 30 now).
Non Twit
So, I’m tall like you and want to lose about 40 lbs. I started Weight Watchers earlier this year wanting to lose about 55, so I’m down 15. I don’t think anyone can tell but me — as you said when you are taller the weight is spread out over a larger area — but my clothing fits much better. Pants that were uncomfortably tight now fit well, some pants that fit ok are now too big. I’m not necessarily a WW fan for various reasons, but at this point in my life it works.
When I started I was like OMG I HAVE TO LOSE MORE THAN 50 LBS THAT WILL TAKE FOREVER. And I’m still that way. One thing that has helped incredibly is lurking the WW message boards (anyone can sign up, so you don’t need to pay for WW to do this). There is one for folks who have 200+ lbs to lose. Some of them started when they were 500+ lbs, have lost 200+ lbs and still have 200 lbs to go. They take baby steps and celebrate every 1.6 lb loss. If they can do it, well, so can I.
As for the TTC part, I wouldn’t worry about it until you are actually pregnant.
Bread maker question
Savvy corporettes, I’m trying out a breadmaker I got at a thrift store and it doesn’t have a “dough cycle” – only settings for white bread, whole wheat, etc. Almost all the recipes I’m seeing are calling for a dough cycle setting — any advice?
Thanks!
Bread maker question
Savvy ladies, I’m trying out a breadmaker I got at a thrift store and it doesn’t have a “dough cycle” – only settings for white bread, whole wheat, etc. Almost all the recipes I’m seeing are calling for a dough cycle setting — any advice?
Thanks!
rosie
Are you looking online, or do you have recipes in a book? With ours, the dough cycle is if you are going to cook the dough yourself somehow–challah bread that we braid and bake in the oven, pizza that we roll out, etc. Can you look for less fancy recipes? Did you get an instruction manual with the bread machine? If so, check to see if maybe dough cycle is called something else.
I am pretty sure this is a recipe we use a lot:
http://recipes.sparkpeople.com/recipe-detail.asp?recipe=568246
We use the book “Electric Bread” (I & II) most of the time, though. You can get it on Amazon, and the recipes are almost all for breads that get baked in the bread machine.
Bread maker question
Thanks, Rosie, for your reply! I’m using recipes online, as I didn’t get a manual with the machine. I guess I’m trying to figure out how to identify when the “dough cycle” occurs, so maybe I can even stop the machine when it ends.
Saacnmama
Maybe try googling the name of the machine and “recipes” or looking up the manual online would help.
Bread maker question
Great idea, Saacnmama. Thank you!
Saacnmama
You can thank me with baked goods in the mail. Haha–I wish
roseypose
Hitting a wall on a wardrobing question here. My company is both global and very informal. Whenever we gather in a global city, we tend to get together for dinner and drinks. It’s lots of fun and a big part of our company culture. Among clients it might be more formal, but among ourselves we might go to a nicer bar or hotel but usually end up in some dive/pub. I am always at a loss for what to wear at these things. Traditional semiformal attire or office clothing is clearly too formal, yet I don’t want to be a shlub either. It’s mostly men and a few women, men wear jeans and button-ups, other women tend to be more revealing than I would like (but they’re more senior so they have more latitude). I typically do jeans + nice top + blazer + heels + nice earrings. I would like to find some cute day dresses or casual LBD and low heels to dress it up a bit, but the selection has been generally strictly formal/office or way too trendy/whimsical/revealing. I’m generally about a 2P and have come up empty at JCrew, Nordie’s, the Ann Taylors and Banana. Would love any ideas from the hive.
cfm
I think that your jean blazer outfits sound great. I like the limited for casual dresses, like http://www.thelimited.com/Draped-Knit-Dress/3148686,default,pd.html?dwvar_3148686_colorCode=597&start=17&ppid=c17&cgid=dresses
http://www.thelimited.com/Classic-Matte-Jersey-Shirtdress/3318685,default,pd.html?dwvar_3318685_colorCode=150&start=1&ppid=c1&cgid=dresses
cfm
Some good LBD at loft in your size http://www.loft.com/loft/product/LOFT-Petite/LOFT-Petite-Dresses/Petite-Flutter-Sleeve-Dress/301291?colorExplode=false&skuId=13301071&catid=catl000036&productPageType=fullPriceProducts&defaultColor=6600
cfm
http://www.loft.com/loft/product/product%3A299102/LOFT-promo-bucket-spring-1-exclusions/Petite-Scoop-Neck-Flare-Skirt-Dress/299102?colorExplode=false&skuId=13137281&catid=catl000036&productPageType=fullPriceProducts&defaultColor=6600
coco
Dear Talbots, THANK YOU for the beautiful new arrivals in your plus-size department. I am so happy with your look for Spring that I just ordered nine items online. If they look like the photos on your website they are going to be classic and fresh and lovely. Please keep up the good work! Very happy about this development.
lucy stone
YES THIS. They have plus petite dresses now and I am just over the moon about it!
mlle-cassis
Don’t. Buy. Over-the-knee boots.
At least here (in Switzerland), only prostitutes wear them. (and I mean “prostitute” as the profession)
Saacnmama
That’s. exactky what they remind me of. When I couple people up thread mentioned their suede boots not staying up, it was all I could do to keep from telling them that patent leather seems to stay up better; based on the sex workers in Berlin who wore them.
a.
Is the slut-shaming really necessary? I have over-the-knee boots (black leather! with a heel, no less! that I wear outside the house!) and I promise you have I never been paid money for sex.
Calibrachoa
Yeah, this.
anon
Is that sl*t shaming though? Everytime I see those boots I do think of dominatrix or pretty woman. If I saw a woman all dressed in navy and white stripes I’d think of a sailor. It doesn’t mean I think the woman is a prostitute or is a sailor, but that’s what they are culturally referencing, so I think its not a bad suggestion to let people know what they are thinking. A woman wore knee high leather boots to an interview the other day and it showed very poor judgment for our conservative workplace.
a.
See, I think there’s a difference between saying “don’t wear over-the-knee leather boots to a job interview, because they don’t adhere to a conservative workplace’s standard of professional dress” (which I agree with! I would never wear my s*xy pirate boots to an interview) and saying “if you wear over-the-knee leather boots you appear to be a prostitute, and so no decent, career-minded woman should wear them.”
At its heart, slut-shaming is “the idea that a woman who carries the stigma of being a slut — ie. an ‘out-of-control, trampy female’ — is ‘not worth knowing or caring about’…For instance, women who wear ‘provocative clothing’ [EG OVER-THE-KNEE BOOTS]…are subjected to slut-shaming.” (Quoted from here: http://finallyfeminism101.wordpress.com/2010/04/04/what-is-slut-shaming/ since I just had a pre-date beer and don’t feel capable of articulating my own thoughts, oops does this make me a WHORE OF BABYLON)
Equity's Darling
Hahaha, I’m pretty sure Whore of Babylon should be someone’s posting name by now….
Saacnmama
I wasn’t talking about women who work as lawyers or doctors or whatever. I was talking about where I first saw anyone who wore boots that came up over their knees. Every day the tram from the library would go through Hackischer Markt, past women who lined up to turn their backsides to the passing tram. They wore short ski jackets (it was cold!), spandex pants, and tight thongs over the pants. The boots were mostly white patent leather, probably worn as much for wealth as for sexiness. Say what you will about cultural referents, I don’t think I’ve seen anyone wearing those boots elsewhere.
Anon for this
Saacnmama, are you sure they weren’t superheros? Thongs over spandex, awesome!
Saacnmama
Pwahaha! And the vacuous look in their eyes had nothing to do with drugs–they were communicating with Superhero Central.
That was over 15 years ago. Even though I never became a paying customer, they were successful in getting themselves noticed in a memorable kind of way.
Oh, and I didn’t mean wealth. I mean warmth. Warm, talk boots.
A, I’m sure you’ve figured out how to style yours in a pleasantly acceptable kind of way.
East Coaster
+1. Do your thing
Equity's Darling
I agree with you a.- I think it’s all about how you style them and how you carry yourself.
The only reason I don’t have a pair yet is because I’m like 5’2, and I haven’t tried on any that are even close to the right proportions. The knee joint is always in the wrong spot, and the thigh part is always weirdly high…super unflattering over jeans, because I simply don’t have enough length to not look absurd.
I find it odd because knee high boots look great and seem to elongate me (or so I’ve been telling myself since I wear them pretty much constantly).
Megan
I was wondering if anyone has suggestions for a good cotton bar to wear to work.
a.
Assuming you meant bra :) I got a couple that I like at Target, of all places. They’re the only bras from my BN (Before Natori) period that are still in frequent rotation, which is the best praise I can give to a non-Natori bra. I’ll try and see if I can find the specific one on Target’s rabbit-warren of a website.
Oh, and I’m an A in more generously-cut bras, and a B in smaller-fitting ones. I have a B in the Target ones.
a.
I think it’s this one: http://www.target.com/QuickInfoView?partNumber=13263387&catEntryId=200245597&productId=203616859&categoryId=166013&overlayId=QuickView&validation=true&position=targetCenter&slotPosition=large%3a1%3a16&omnitureSuperCatgValue=women:clothing:intimates:bras%20&lnk=plp_qi_grid_1_16
momentsofabsurdity
Anyone else working today? Sigh. At least there was no traffic!
NOLA
I am, but no surprise since we just had two days off for Mardi Gras last week. Didn’t notice a difference because most schools go back today.
anon
No traffic but also a reduced public transit schedule here in DC – had to wait 25 mins for my usual bus. I feel like we’re the only firm that didn’t get today off (of course, I’d still be working, but at least there would be no expectation to come in to the office!).
BMBG
Yes. Ugh. :-(
Herbie
Yes! Who are these people that get today off?? And how do I get their jobs?
momentsofabsurdity
The peril of “take whatever holiday you want, but it counts toward your vacation days!” is that there is a ton of peer pressure to come in on every holiday except Memorial Day, Labor Day, the 4th of July, Thanksgiving and Christmas.
O.
Yup, at home this morning and going into the office this afternoon. Worked Saturday and Sunday too. I’ve now worked every day in 2013. Sigh.
cbackson
I didn’t even really know it was a holiday. Ah, the Biglaw rabbit hole…
Coalea
Yep. Agree that reduced traffic is the silver lining :)
lucy stone
Of course I am! My local government doesn’t believe in federal holidays.
Calibrachoa
Outside the US here so yup, in the office.
Equity's Darling
Canadians are mostly off- we have “Family Day” in most provinces- weirdly though, it’s not a federal holiday, so all federal govermnet offices/services are open. Perfect day to pick up all my packages at the post office!
CHL
Um…totally did not know that daycare was closed today until DH tried to drop my son off. Good thing he has a lot of flexibility and can just stay home.
Meg Murry
Yup. And spending the day locked in a conference room listening to someone talk. I was so sad when I came over here at lunch and there wasn’t a new thread. Our area schools are closed but luckily daycare is open today thank goodness. At least my office is closed for Good Friday this year – I can’t wait for a day off that doesn’t cost a vacation day!
relationship advice?
I was hoping the hive could weigh in on something – if people are still reading through the weekend. I recently ended a relationship of 5 years (in fact I think I posted on here once about how I was supposed to “know” whether or not to get married). We broke up because I still couldn’t say yes, and the idea underlying the breakup was that if I didn’t know by now, then that meant no. I still could never really articulate why I couldn’t commit . . mostly I think because I couldn’t say that he was the absolute best.
Since we broke up, I’ve been seeing a therapist and am realizing how much my anxiety/depressive tendencies have impacted my life, and surely my outlook on my relationship. I almost feel like when I read those threads about difficult moody SOs, I am the difficult SO in this relationship. Not that my ex was perfect. It was one of those situations where I thought that I might find someone better (someone who I thought was funnier, someone who I thought was more mature…)- that the grass was greener somewhere else and that attitude caused a lot of the tension in our relationship because I was never fully committed.
Now I am 27, and I am starting to think about dating other people, and I wonder if I was too quick to walk away from this relationship. That I thought the relationship was supposed to be easier than it was (we did fight a lot, even though that did improve throughout the course of our relationship) and that I didn’t have to compromise or work at it to make it good. His big thing was that he never felt like I felt like I was lucky to have him. But now I am looking out at nothing and the idea of my ex sounds GREAT – he is stable, supportive, ambitious, and we were best friends. Sure I found him to be annoying and immature at times, and I’m sure there are people who are out there who are better suited for me in handling conflict and maybe overall personality, but maybe I let perfect be the enemy of good in this situation because I kept thinking something would be better.
Obviously you don’t know me, and even if you did, I realize only the two people in the relationship can know what it’s like. I think that if I did want to get back together with him, things would be different because I wouldn’t expect him to be the panacea for all my anxiety, and I could take more responsibility for the communication issues that we had, and I could generally be happier knowing that he is a great person and that I actually am lucky to be with him.
But from what I’ve said here, what do you think? Does this just sound like breakup remorse? Anybody ever felt like this before? It reminds me of that “case for settling” article in the Atlantic. — although the key there I think is to change your mindset so that you are excited about settling, because your priorities shift. I actually have a friend who said that she was in a relationship for 10 years with a guy who was her perfect match, but he didn’t want to get married. She did, so she left. She is now married with two kids to a guy who she says is not the soulmate she may have had before, but she is happy and it works because they have the same goals.
Okay I just needed to put this all out somewhere… if anyone is reading. :)
anon
I think what you’re experiencing is normal buyer’s remorse. I’ve seen a lot of my friends go through this after a breakup–a period of wondering whether it was the right decision. From what you describe here, it absolutely was. You don’t say, “he’s amazing and I am crazy about him!” you’ve said, “he’s stable and ambitious and we were best friends.” Stable and ambitious do not a loving and relationship make. You also said you found him immature and annoying at times. To me, those are clear signs that this is not the right person for you. One should never feel that the love of one’s life is “immature and annoying!” I think you need to give it time, and start dating other people.
anon
+1. The fact that this arose in context of thinking about dating other people suggests that you’re just daunted by finding a new relationship, as opposed to truly wishing you had your old one back. Totally understandable, but probably not something to act on. I think you should trust your past self that you ended it for very good reasons, after a long try at making it work.
relationship advice?
If you don’t mind me asking, are you married? Do people who have been married for years and years never thought that the other was “immature and annoying”? I have married friends who have confessed that they felt this way about their SOs at one time or another. I also realize everybody’s relationships are different. I remember reading a thread on here once and a number of women confessed that their marriages were not the head over heels love, but one where the SO is committed and supportive and that is enough.
My perspective is a little different also because my parents have a marriage of convenience, but they’ve made it work, and so I have seen relatively few examples of this amazing passionate love marriage working for years and years.
Flying Squirrel
I have at one point or another felt most types of annoyance at my DH, including that he was being immature about something. But I’ve always been crazy about him and known that he and I just sort of fit, if that makes sense. Cliche, I know, but even though I’m always the sort who’s difficult and questions everything I also know that he “completes me”. We’ve been through a lot recently, and through it all I’ve only become more clear that he’s the one I want holding my hand when the storm approaches.
So basically, no marriage is perfect…and you won’t be gaga over your spouse at every minute (I really am suspicious of people who are). But if you *never* feel that way, or if deep down inside you don’t know that, then he probably is not the one for you.
I may be different than others in that I wouldn’t necessarily judge someone for settling for convenient and comfortable, but it doesn’t really sound like that would be good enough for you. Honestly, fireworks usually means both the good kind and the bad. Not everyone wants that kind of relationship…but some of us need it.
Anonymous
I’ve been married for 20 years. I knew DH for 10 years before that. He did used to be immature and annoying in his very early 20s. One day, when he was being a dork, I said, “You know, that behavior is really immature and annoying”. He said, “Really?” and then never did it again. Is your ex willing to change? Or does he get all, “Hey, babe, this is ME, get used to it”?
But if he feels unappreciated, as you said, and you feel like you can’t really appreciate him, then let him find someone who can. It’s one of the things that makes life worthwhile — having a partner who thinks you’re awesome.
anon
Yes, I am married. I’ve been married for only a year and a half, but we’ve been together for six. I can honestly say that I’ve never yet felt that my DH is being “immature and annoying.” But who knows? It could happen. There’s a difference, though, in being an “immature and annoying” person and for someone to be “immature and annoying” every once in a while.
It’s one thing for someone to have his moments–we all do! We’re human! But when the OP was describing her SO, it was one of five or so phrases she used to describe him and their relationship. If I were to list off the top of my head five phrases to describe my husband, “immature and annoying” certainly wouldn’t make the list. And even though the OP did qualify it as “at times”, it was clearly enough of an issue in their relationship for her to bring it up in her brief description of the nature of their relationship.
Also, to me, the word “annoying” in particular reeks of contempt–a known relationship-killer.
Herbie
This is a tough one. You say you recently ended the relationship… I don’t know exactly what that means, but maybe give yourself more time before seriously considering jumping back in. More time to work on you, clear your head, figure out what you want, etc. Also, if you were wondering whether there were people out there who were funnier, more mature, etc. than your ex, it was probably for a reason.
relationship advice?
I ended the relationship in November. I didn’t really take the time to process anything since I was going through a lot of transitions, and our breakup was not very talked through.. it just sort of ended. I had a chance to start processing things in the last couple of weeks and have been thinking a lot about why I never committed, etc. I really appreciate your reply – and everyone else’s!
mascot
Sounds like you have gotten some valuable insight about who you are and what you want. So now you take that insight and apply it to the next relationship. There isn’t just one person out there that you are compatible with. There are multiple people. So much of finding the “the one” is about timing (yours and his) rather than just straight up personality match.
Anonymous
Agreed. Also…sounds like you recognize you were a difficult partner and are now considering going back to your ex because you’re not sure there’s anyone better and you might as well settle. That’s spectacularly unfair to your ex, in my opinion. Leave him be and let him find someone who will love and value him for his character and attributes, not just for stability/convenience. It sounds like you were never a perfect match to begin with, so go out armed with your new insight and maturity and find the right person for you, and make sure to use what you’ve learned in that relationship.
Anon for this
For what it’s worth, I felt the same when I was in my mid-20s and married the guy I was with the past 5 years instead of broke up. The way I saw it, no relationship would be perfect, this one I knew what to expect, and the flaws seemed preferable to starting over and risking ending up alone. We’ve been married 5 years now, its not perfect (some of his habits do drive me nuts still) but we do love each other. Maybe if you’re alone for a little while you can sort through your feelings and work on yourself and your anxiety, and maybe in a few months reconnect with the ex with a fresh mindset and see where it goes.
n.
There are always things that you have to compromise/settle on in a relationship, but finding him “immature and annoying” is a worrisome sign to me. There’s some research on factors that predict whether or not a couple will divorce in psychology (Gottman’s “four deadly horsemen”) — several of the factors have to do with conflict resolution, but one has to do with contempt for one’s partner. Being able to fully respect your partner and see him as an equal partner in the relationship is not something you should compromise on, IMHO.
Same boat
Just want to say I completely understand. I feel like I’m in the same situation. With a great guy who I love but I just don’t know about committing forever. I wonder how people know that this person is the “one”. And I’ve even asked everyone who is married or in a long-term relationship how they know that person is “the person”. And I know not everyone who gets married or commits to someone has that “passionate crazy, this is my soulmate love” but somehow they know that this person is the one for them. Anyway, I don’t have advice but just want to let you know you are not alone in wondering.
Forest
I’ve decided that what our dining room needs is trees. There is a 12′ long wall that I can’t put any shelves or artwork on, because people would brush against it walking through the room.
The walls are beige/tan and I want to use paint that’s such deep blue it’s nearly purple–my favorite color. Any of you bored at your monitors today–if you wan to use your google foo to help me out, that’d be awesome! I’m thinking of not so many leaves, lots of tree trunks. Like a group of birch trees.
Forest
This is the best I’ve found. I’m not going to do the cheap looking sunset fade in the background, just trees sillouehettes.
http://farm8.staticflickr.com/7156/6743418275_6fa35092e1_z.jpg
momentsofabsurdity
I’ve seen removable wall vinyl decals that do this — are you going to paint them yourself? Maybe something like this, without the birds/deer?
http://www.etsy.com/listing/95637742/baby-nursery-wall-decals-birch-trees
mascot
You can customize the color if you want to go decals instead of painting. http://www.etsy.com/listing/59808643/tree-wall-decal-wall-sticker-birch-tree
Forest
Ooh–I like that! I have paint left over from a project that didn’t happen, and I’d rather not spend $100 on this (and I like painting), but I might use that to copy from.
NashJD
D.C. ‘Rettes – I’m going to be in D.C. Tuesday through Friday of this week for a conference and just realized that I desperately need hair color. Conference is at the Omni Shoream; I’m staying in Dupont Circle. Can anyone recommend a colorist that might be available on short notice?
Bonnie
NashJD: Bang Salon at Metropole is close to Dupont and has an online booking system. I don’t know any of the stylists at that location but have been happy with other stylists that work for the company.
Matilda
I know that, due to an all-day deposition Friday and a really busy weekend, I am WAY behind the times in reading Friday’s TPS report. But the statement “they always look amazingly chic and stylish, and not at all like pirates” just made me laugh really, really hard. Thanks, Kat!
Offers
So DH (employed) has been meeting with headhunters and doing some searching on his own. He has received two offers through the headhunter that would be pay increases from his current position. However, he is still waiting to hear back from *dream job* that he found himself. Any advice on how to delay responding to the offers while he waits to hear back from the dream job?
He has basically decided that a move in companies is in order regardless (found out he is underpaid during this search), but he doesn’t want to burn any bridges by accepting better offer and then declining.
Thanks!
momentsofabsurdity
Any way to follow up with dream job to say he has offers on the table, they’re his first choice and what is their timeline on the decision?
And on the other side, any way to follow up with both companies, saying that he has a competing offer and would like until X date to decide?
To Equity's Darling
…if you get this far down in the thread!
I just caught up on the weekend thread and saw your comment about wanting to talk about working in the UK. Thank you for your lovely compliment. I’m happy to talk! Send me an e-mail at figonthames at the Google service.
Nonny.
Veronique
Can I also send you a few questions? I’m a US lawyer who is interested in working in the UK, so I’d love to discuss it further. Thanks!
Nonny
Sure, but I’m Canadian so I’m not sure how much advice I can give you…in my experience, the experiences of US and Canadian lawyers in the UK are somewhat different.
Reg. poster, anon for this
Major VENT. My sister is engaged. They got engaged within or 4 months of meeting each other, and are planning a wedding for this summer (which will put them at less than a year of knowing each other). All of this can certainly be fine with the right person, no doubt. Problem is the rest of the family has strong doubts as to whether he is the right person. The latest ARGH moment: my mother was visiting them this weekend, and he thought it was totally ok to respond to my sister’s playful swat by (joking) “do that again and I’ll punch you in the face.” While there was no doubt from the delivery that he was joking, the fact that he thought it was ok to say at all really concerns me. The fact that he thought it was ok to say in front of my mother is another issue. Not sure I’m asking a question, just ARGH. ARGH ARGH ARGH.
anon
Ok but your sister’s joke is to play hit him. So his was to joke about hitting her. Honestly it sounds like they have the same sense of humor. I think you are overreacting but I’m sure there is other things that are bothering you about the situation.
Reg. poster, anon for this
You make a very good point. While I don’t think it’s ever ok to threaten your significant other, playfully swatting him is a step in that direction, and may have led him to think that line of humor was ok… And you’re exactly right – many many things bother me about this person, so I’m particularly critical.
Anon
I agree. Me and my husband play like this too and I feel very confident that he would never, ever hit me. But he is a really nice guy. I bet there are other things about your sister’s fiance that are making this seem like a bigger problem.
My sister’s ex-husband was a giant jerk and we all warned her not to marry him. She didn’t listen and had to learn that painful lesson on her own. It is so, so hard to watch, but sometimes there is not much you can do.
anon..
Yeah, I would say that this is probably ok [I think “i’m gonna punch you in the face” is maybe a movie line? from a comedy?]
But, the deeper concern is very understandable – you should talk to her, even though Anon is 12:25 right – so many who are warned just refuse to see the problem!
Reg. poster, anon for this
Definitely see the various anons’ points about context. Additional information in case it’s useful: he has war-related PTSD and generally has anger issues, and drinks enough that sister is making sure there is not an open bar at their wedding. Also, when he said that, Mom got in his face, feeling very protective. Later, sister also got mad at him for saying that, even though she knew he was joking (responding in kind vs. escalation). ::grumble::
CountC
Is he in therapy for his PTSD? I would be concerned about that and whether or not he was getting help for it. Is he willing to address his drinking? Is he open to not drinking at all or does he refuse to acknowledge he has a drinking problem?
As for the joking around, I will say “Don’t make me punch you,” when a guy friend or another man says something inappropriate or whatever. That alone wouldn’t get my feelers up, but combined with some of the other things you have mentioned, I would be concerned also.
Anon
Yes, that all seems quite a bit more worrisome. Maybe you can suggest they go to pre-marital counseling? Sounds like he seriously needs therapy, and your sister should know exactly what she is getting into by marrying him.
Saacnmama
Given those signals, I think your first response was positively understated. How did she decide to marry him so fast?
Reg. poster, anon for this
He is not in therapy for the PTSD, and I don’t know if she’s addressed the drinking with him. She’s rather defensive, generally, and tends not to share things if she thinks she will be criticized. They are already scheduled to go to pre-marital counseling (I believe 4 sessions) through their church, but I don’t know how intensive that process is. I’m not sure how or why she decided to marry him so fast other than, I hate to say it, desperation. I think she feels like she’s running out of time (she’s not) and he was the closest someone who has shown interest in her has come in a long while to being what she wants. The rush to the altar is because they “don’t feel like they can delay” because of their ages (the delay supposedly refers to the having of babies – they are not sleeping together before marriage)… he’s 38, she’s only 31. I so want to suggest a longer engagement, but I can’t be the one to do so, and she’d be so embarrassed (the save the dates are already sent), I don’t think she’d do it. This whole thing is such a mess, and my stomach is in knots about it.
Anon
I would have one honest heart-to-heart with her about your concerns, mention that it is ok to wait longer and reschedule the wedding and that you will help her with whatever she needs help with, and then let it rest. She probably won’t listen, but at least you will have told her.
It was honestly so hard to watch my sister go through it, but there was no changing her mind and when it did crash and burn we all helped pick up the pieces–multiple times. It is hard!
Senior Attorney
I must lead a really sheltered life, but I can’t imagine why anybody would think it was okay to give a “playful swat” to somebody suffering from PTSD. Seriously. In all honestly I see her behavior as much more problematic than his response.
volunteer leader help
I am the head of a small organization with a four-person volunteer board. The members of the board are up for re-nomination each year, though they can serve as many terms as they and the rest of the board deem appropriate.
It has become painfully clear that one of our four board members should not be re-nominated. (Not for anything illegal–just not contributing, clearly not motivated or making time for the group, etc.) We also have several good prospects from which to replace her.
Here’s the quandary: the soon-to-be-ex board member is one of my dearest friends. I agree with the other board members that the situation has become unsustainable, but I’m worried about the fallout, especially because it will be my responsibility to run the meeting in which we tell her that she won’t be renominated.
Any thoughts?
Nonny
Is there another volunteer position for which she is better suited? Has she herself ever acknowledged that the board position may not be the best place for her? Does she know about the up-and-comers who would be a good fit for the board?
If you can, I would suggest moving her into another position and couching it along the lines of, “we really need someone to do X and we think your skill set makes you the best person to take on that role”.
Regardless, I don’t think that the board meeting is the right place to tell her she won’t be re-nominated. I would suggest telling her one-on-one ahead of the meeting (maybe a week or two before), and giving her some time to get used to the idea. I don’t think it would be fair to ambush her in the middle of a meeting.
East Coaster
I agree with this. Whenever possible, it’s better to go into these types of meetings with everyone already knowing what the agenda/ outcome is going to be. No surprises. Have there been any evaluations? Any discussion about attendance / contributions by each member that can clue her in to what’s about to happen?
volunteer leader help
Sigh–I’m just afraid that she’ll get crazy defensive or aggressive if I tell her in advance. It is not outside the realm of possibility that she would have a grown-up tantrum or complain to other non-board members of the group about this, and I really, really want to keep the collateral damage to a minimum. (I swear she is a good friend, just a lousy colleague!)
That said, Nonny, yes–we’ve been talking about making a sort of middle tier of leadership, and she’d be really well-suited for that. Right now she already has some of those duties, and she’s said before that they are the most personally compelling of her board responsibilities.
East Coaster, my thought right now is to make a point on the agenda (distributed beforehand) at which each of us can lay out what we feel we’ve personally contributed so far this term and what we would hope to achieve in another term. Unfortunately, my friend sets out grand plans for herself and just doesn’t (ever) follow through on them, so I think the disparity between what she proposes doing and what she’s actually done might help her see the problem.
I’m also planning to schedule this outside our regular meeting cycle, possibly over a meal (at my house, not in public). I guess I need to just bite the bullet and make it happen.
Veronica
I agree that doing it one on one would be best. It would allow her to save face. You mention that you all are considering creating a new level of positions. I think it could be beneficial to the both of you to talk to her about this prior to the meeting. Set it up by saying you know she’s been very busy juggling X, Y, and Z this year and this volunteer board position has been taking away from those tasks. Then mention that she’s been so helpful with [tasks under new position] that you thought it might be a good move for her since she has the knowledge/background to establish that position and it would free her up to deal with other things in her life. Essentially, “you would really be helping us out by taking on this role and it would be beneficial to you as well.”
Saacnmama
Take Nonny’s idea and run with it. Start talking with her about the new position you’d like her to take on, as the first person in that position, who can help shape it because of her long connection with the organization. Then tell her the day before the meeting that she won’t be able to do both positions. Is there any way to avoid the announcement that she’s being booted? Can you get her to resign, so you’re announcing that? Or can you just neutrally say that there is an open spot on the board, you’re looking for nominations? If it has to announced that she’s out of there, can you at least get someone else to do that part of the meeting? And don’t let her be broadsided by it during the meeting.
Carolyn
I’m in a bit of an awkward (yet very minor) situation. I am about to graduate from college and start a job with an organization that I worked for a while ago as an intern. When I first started taking internships, I decided to use my legal name (Carolyn) instead of the name I usually go by (Carrie). This started partially because my first internship supervisor always called me Carolyn even though I had signed some emails as Carrie, and partially because I was worried about Carrie seeming like a childish name. Then I just continued going by Carolyn so that previous employers wouldn’t be confused if a prospective one called about Carrie. I’ve since decided that I’m sick of dealing with the awkwardness when coworkers and friends interact and call me by two different names, etc., and just want to be called Carrie. What is the least weird way to bring this up at my new job, where everyone already knows me as Carolyn from when I was an intern?
Jill
“Oh, I actually go by Carrie now.”
I’m sure lots of people with easily-shortened names go back and forth between using their full name and their nickname in various situations. Most people will not think twice about it, although there may be a few people who forget to call you Carrie.
mascot
This. I use a nickname, but sign documents, am listed on our website, etc. using my full name. People will figure it out. If they are confused, they’ll ask.
Saacnmama
My name has three common forms, like Kat, Katy, Katherine. I use the longest professionally. When someone calls me by the one ending in -y, which I think sounds juvenile & diminutive, I usually smile and say that’s what I went by when I was a little girl. You’re going the other way, moving to the less formal; maybe you could say something a little jokey about being friends or not wanting to be stand-offish or something similar. Once people know what you prefer, most will recognize mistakes and correct them but I bet there will always be 1 or 2, maybe that former manager, with whom it’s pointless to try.
Heartbreak... It's been a while, but I haven't missed it
Any advice on getting through it? I have wallowing tendencies. House of Cards is helping tonight, but I’m worried about work tomorrow.
I was still in school last time, so I only had to pull myself together for a few classes each day and was able to spend most of the first week watching trashy TV on the couch. There’s no way I can take the time off to do that this time.
Same boat
HUG. I’m sorry I don’t have much for advice but do the same thing you did when you were in school. Cry tonight. Pull yourself together for work tomorrow and tell yourself you need to make it until 5 or 6pm and if you can’t, then leave and work from home if you need to (with a bottle of wine).
Artemis
Clothes question: I just started a new job; it’s my first office job and I’m also the only woman. The men generally wear suits and no ties, sometimes bright colors, and don’t wear coats/blazers inside. What’s the appropriate level of fanciness for me? I’ve been wearing suit pants and cardigans, and dresses with blazers basically every day. Does this sound like it matches the men?
Veronique
That sounds about right to me. If it were me I’d wear separates: skirts, slacks or dresses with a blazer or cardigan. I would definitely work in some color or fun accessories, too.