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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 221 Comments · by

Splurge Tuesday’s TPS Report: Julia Pleated Silk Blouse

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Temperley London Julia Pleated Silk BlouseI know what you're going to say:  a $555 bouse? (And it isn't even leather!)  Still, come on, look at how gorgeous this blouse is — a perfect piece for inspiration. I love the silk, the pleats down the front, and the silk-covered buttons all the way down the side (which remind me of wedding dresses, actually). I particularly like that the sleeves end in a proper cuff with two buttons. Lovely. It is, ahem, $555 at Net-a-Porter (and ShopBop). Temperley London Julia Pleated Silk Blouse Seen a great piece you'd like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)  

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Comments

  2. a passion for fashion

    ohh, it is simply beautiful. Maybe it will go on sale . . . .

    • a.

      Agreed that it’s beautiful. It’s not exactly my taste, but objectively I can see that is a gorgeous-a** blouse.

    • Dagny T

      I recently bought a very similar silk top made by Pim + Larkin that I found on PiperLime. It’s very similar, with pleats down the front and button cuffs at the sleeve. No wedding dress like buttons though! Worth checking out, as its on sale now and comes in a few different colors. Look for the Silk Pleated Blouse by Pim + Larkin on PiperLime.

  5. Pregnancy anxiety

    I’m hoping someone out there can suggest a book or resource, or a personal experience with what I’m struggling with:

    My husband and I have been happily married for almost 8 years. We’re finally at the point where we are ready to have kids. I’ve never been a fan of pregnancy (the idea has freaked me out for as long as I can remember) but now its turning into a real hurdle for us. I want kids. I want to expand our family. The idea of labor, of balancing a newborn and working full-time, etc. don’t scare or overwhelm me.

    But the idea of becoming pregnant has me feeling PARALYZED. Its so very public, and yet so intensely personal at the same time. Its all on me; no matter how supportive my husband could intend to be, at the end of the day its my responsibility to bear that child for 9 months. And then the idea of having an entire human being occupying my body space makes me feel claustrophobic and like I want to run away… except that would get me no where since its inside me.

    I can find books on preparing one’s body for pregnancy. I can find articles on what it will be like for you as a couple. But what about ME – the me that exists before, during and after being a pregnant woman and mom? How do I prepare my emotional and psychological self for this?

    • AN

      I found the Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy very good in terms of addressing this stuff.

    • Nancy P

      I don’t know if this is exactly what you’re looking for, but maybe the Girlfriend’s Guide to Pregnancy? It seems like a lot of the practical information (e.g. why do you feel bloated? can you exercise?) but with a very pragmatic and slightly sarcastic attitude toward the entire pregnancy industry.

      I agree, it’s a very weirdly private / public thing. As a friend of mine put it, “when else do you basically announce to your co-workers the fact that you had ***?”

      • Anonymous

        “when else do you basically announce to your co-workers the fact that you had ***?”
        — I always felt the same way. I loathe announcing pregnancies. Oddly, I never think the same thing when someone else is pregnant.

        I also really hate how people feel completely justified in asking you about your medical history, etc. Ugh. I was much more patient the second time around, but I really hated the attention. (Interestingly, I’ve known many women who felt the opposite, so to each their own).

        OP, I’m equally cool on the whole pregnancy thing. Two kids, uncomplicated pregnancies, hated every minute. But it’s so, so, so very worth it. Enjoying pregnancy is completely independent of enjoying parenthood.

        I was never one for ‘the miracle of birth’ and ‘the empowerment of pregnancy’. I hugely eye-rolled it before having kids. Turns out, it’s totally true. I look at these grown kids and think how amazing it is that they started from one cell inside of me. Now look at them. I. did. that. It’s so insanely amazing. And I always think: I made a human in nine months. I can f**ing do ANYTHING.

        Get your pregnant self to the swimming pool. Being in the water not only helps the aches, but you can temporarily not feel pregnant. It’s blissful.

        GL! Take the plunge. I always told myself that the nine months of pregnancy paled in comparison to the lifetime with my children.

    • anon for this

      I’m five months pregnant right now and I know exactly what you’re talking about. I actually hate being pregnant. I don’t care about the physical side of things — it’s been easier than I expected so far and I feel like I can handle a lot, physically — but I hate hate hate the public side of things. I hate people commenting on my body, my mother and MIL thinking it’s open season to tell me what to do with my life/body, everyone inflicting their unsolicited opinions on me… I really hate it. And I know it’s going to get worse as I get bigger. I also hate it when my husband is drinking scotch with his friends and I have to be this big blob of gestation who can’t do anything fun. BLAH.

      A few things that have helped me get through it —

      — Elizabeth Badinter’s The Conflict. It’s a pretty controversial book, but deals a lot with this feeling of ambivalence that many women (especially women who have an established professional identity) feel about becoming mothers;

      — Venting with like-minded friends who are already parents or currently pregnant;

      — Reminding myself that it is only for a short period of time, and there will still be wine and Bikram yoga in the world six months from now.

    • ANP

      I’m you! I have two kids, and HATED being pregnant the whole time. One small silver lining is that I found the world to be (mostly) lovely and benevolent towards pregnant ladies (when people weren’t ignoring their internal filters and saying totally asinine things). But I assure you that having kids, while very, very VERY challenging, makes it completely worth it. In fact, my youngest is three weeks old and I know fairly certainly that we’re going to probably try to have a third kid before it’s all said and done with. But I cannot emphasize enough how much I hated pregnancy for the exact reason(s) you describe: the public/private nature of it all.

      However: pregnancy is fleeting. A short-term investment, if you will, in a long-term benefit. And I also like taking the approach of “Whoa, my body is so awesome/strong/amazing it can GROW A TINY HUMAN.” That’s actually kind of bada$$, if you think about it.

      And — it’s not Bikram, but I found an amazing prenatal yoga instructor during this last pregnancy and she changed my life. Worth looking into.

      • Pregnancy anxiety

        “Whoa, my body is so awesome/strong/amazing it can GROW A TINY HUMAN.” That’s actually kind of bada$$, if you think about it.

        OP here: Thanks for this. It is kind of bada$$, I guess.

        • mascot

          “I can grow new humans, what’s your super-power?” I also developed all sorts of respect for my body in the process. I will say there was an overall improvement on my self-esteem/body-image that has lasted post-pregnancy.

          From the Hips was a good book, liked it a bit better than Girlfriend’s Guide, especially the anecdotes from different women.

        • momentsofabsurdity

          My friend when she was pregnant once turned to her husband (who was complaining to her about how she hadn’t done laundry in three weeks) and said, “Dude, I’m over here GROWING ORGANS. What the hell have you done today?”

          • NOLA

            This is hilarious. I love it! My SIL most definitely did not enjoy pregnancy or even the infant stage. She had her two boys in quick succession (16 mo. apart) and was done. She loved it once they were toddlers.

      • Diana Barry

        Yes, this exactly!!

        ANP, our third baby is a dream. :)

        My husband used to say to me when I was complaining about being tired and feeling like cr*p, “You are GROWING A PERSON. Of course you’re tired!” That always made me feel better, stronger, etc.

        Also, prenatal yoga is cool. I found it really interesting how my body moved in different ways when I was pregnant – I could even do some poses that I couldn’t do before because of the loosened joints. :)

        • ANP

          @ Diana Barry – our second baby has been a walk in the park compared to #1, which makes me nervous that our potential Kid 3 could be a holy terror…

          What I think is strange is that I hate hate hate being pregnant and yet deep down I know we’re going to try for a third child. I hate pregnancy possibly as much as I hate anything in this world, so this indicates to me that the kids do, in fact, make it worth it.

          • JJ

            I so agree with this. I’m pregnant with our second and hate, hate, hate, hate it. It’s simply a means to an end. But we’re also planning on trying for a third. You phrased it perfectly: this is relatively short nine (ten) month investment into a long-term payoff.

            I just remember that as much as I hate it, I still enjoy occasionally swinging by Wendy’s and picking up a Frosty on my way home from work… Silver linings, y’all.

          • Diana Barry

            Our #1 was TERRIBLE. #2 was pretty good. But #3 is just the best baby ever! I think she senses that she’s the third child. LOL.

    • L

      I’m 7 days away from delivering and while this might be a random tip, it’s something that ended up working in my favor. In my everyday professional life, I wear a lot of blousy tops with more fitted bottoms. What this meant pregnancy-wise was that people really couldn’t tell I was pregnant until I was pretty far along, giving me more time to figure out how I was going to handle the attention. So you may want to invest in some new tops so that when you start wearing looser clothes it isn’t a dead giveaway (if you don’t already wear this type of clothes).

      I’ll agree with the poster who said that people are generally well-intentioned. That said, I cannot tell you how many times a day at work I get asked “how are you feeling/doing?” with respect to my pregnancy. I know it’s well-intentioned but sometimes I just felt like “ARGH can we talk about something besides my pregnancy?!” I think you just have to realize that people mean well when they ask and if you’re uncomfortable talking about it, come up with a generic response that will satisfy inquiries.

      I also agree with the poster who said that it’s a pretty awesome feeling that your body is doing this all on it’s own. I’m high-risk and have had quite a roller-coaster pregnancy, but through it all I can’t help but marvel that I’m doing this. Now, this being said, I still can’t wrap my head around what’s coming in 7 days (LABOR OMG!!!!!).

      • Anastasia

        “I know it’s well-intentioned but sometimes I just felt like ‘ARGH can we talk about something besides my pregnancy?!'”

        1000000x this. I just spent the weekend at a family reunion having endless, repetitive conversations about how I’m feeling and how big my belly is. Can we please stop reducing pregnant women to life-support systems for a fetus? I still have a career, and hobbies, and lots of other stuff going on in my life! Ask me about those. PLEASE.

        To the OP: Before I got pregnant, I found the idea of pregnancy repulsive for all the same reasons you mentioned, and have only slightly moderated my opinion with 8 weeks to go. I hate the way it looks, I hate the publicity of it, and I hate having my life hijacked and not being able to do things I take for granted (because I really can’t, or worse – because people THINK I can’t/shouldn’t). That said, it’s definitely been interesting in a science experiment-y, “my body does that?” kind of way, and somewhere along the way the idea of my little mini me+dh started counteracting my dislike of the process of growing him… at this point, if I could only hole up in my house and avoid people, I wouldn’t have too many complaints.

        Honestly, I don’t think there’s anything you can do to make yourself feel better about it ahead of time…. Having like-minded girlfriends to commiserate with and seeing comments from other pregnancy-hating ladies on thissite!) is the only thing that keeps me sane. Steer clear of magazines and internet boards that insist on the glowy, magical pregnancy paradigm, own your feelings and just keep reminding yourself that the ends supposedly justify the means. Good luck!

        • Saacnmama

          Flip side of that–I had moved somewhere for a 1-yr position half a year before getting pregnant and was on the market until a month before I left. By that time I was 6 mos along and a lot people had figured out that I had hidden it from them. It was awkward, to say the least. I would have loved a send-off baby shower, but how could I ask anyone after having done them that way? Even without the party, I would have loved to have a few more people to talk about it with–think there was a grand total of 5 or 6, including the father.

    • mamabear

      Go for a walk. Look at all the people. Remind yourself that every one of these people came out of a woman and that it has been so for time eternal. We make way too big a deal out of a natural process. Don’t worry. You can do it.

    • Saacnmama

      Does it help to realize that the baby isn’t popped into your body all finished? It starts as a cell like you already have and grows so slowly you might not even know it at first.

      I’m glad to see the hive being supportive. They can be good that way

      • Pregnancy anxiety

        OP here again: I’m hoping that yes, I’ll have time to adjust to the idea of being pregnant before I’m actually showing and can feel the tiny person inside. But, my greatest fear is: what if I don’t adjust? What in the world would I do if I was 6 months pregnant and going out of my mind? “Just suck it up” doesn’t feel like a plan to me (but I’ve yet to think of anything else…)

        I would also like to thank the hive for their support and expressions of solidarity. It is much appreciated!

        • a pregnant anon

          I am 6 months pregnant and I am going out of my mind. However, the only thing I want more than for this pregnancy to be over already is for this pregnancy to continue for several more months so we can have a healthy baby at the end! So, for lack of any other options, I’m just sucking it up. You’re right that it’s not much of a plan, but it seems like the best one right now.

        • Susan

          I was afraid. But I had a wonderful pregnancy experience. I felt like a natural Goddess and like a wild animal at the same time. Completely connected to the universe and mother earth. No drugs can do that!

        • Saacnmama

          Hate to say it, but you can think of this as the first of a long series of sucking it up for your kid, and many years of people knowing your business. When your kid is sick & you have to stay home–they know your business. When your kid misbehaves in front of anyone–they know your business. And on and on. Sorry this isn’t perky, but it is realistic

          Byw, you don’t know how pregnancy’s going to go for you. I have a friend whose hip joints got so loose she had to use a walker. I slept on my stomach through the 8th month. The first trimester it felt like nutrition and sleep were being sucked out of my body, but by the time anyone else could tell, I was (mostly) fine. Your pregnancy might not go anything as you expect.

        • Miss C

          You seem to be getting a lot of feedback about how awesome it really is and about how the public side of it is bearable.

          Here’s what I have to share with you: You are not the only person who feels a significant amount of anxiety about physically being pregnant. I completely understand what you were saying about wanting to run away but that being pointless. Pregnancy is a fairly inescapable position. That’s one of the (many) things about it that freaks me out. I also sometimes get really freaked out when a pregnant person I know encourages me to feel her baby kick. Not every time, but when I do, I feel like I’m in the early stages of a panic attack (or at least what I suspect the early stages are).

          I’m also pretty squeamish about medical stuff (I once passed out on a restaurant table when one of the people at dinner said more than two sentences about his sinus surgery), so that’s another cause of some of my anxiety. Yours may have other causes. Just know that you’re not the only one who is petrified about being pregnant.

          Two things help me: 1) Pinning down some of the sources of my anxiety so that it doesn’t seem so strange and mysterious and 2) looking around and realizing that everyone in this world came from a woman who went through pregnancy and childbirth. Neither of those help an enormous amount, but they help me enough to keep me open to the idea of getting pregnant so that I can have the kiddos I definitely want.

          I realize that advice is kinda crappy. I really just want you to know that you aren’t the only one feeling that. I completely identify with “the idea of having an entire human being occupying my body space makes me feel claustrophobic and like I want to run away… except that would get me no where since its inside me.”

    • Expecting JD

      I agree with the responses – I would be just fine with no one knowing I’m pregnant (at least at work). Telling work was the hardest part for me. And (could be my hormones) but I am soo sick of everyone asking how I feel! I have a client that, ever since he found out I was pregnant, begins every communication with me by saying something about my “condition” (he uses that word every time) and he hopes I am doing okay. I’m sure people mean well but I’m fine….

      I think I was so worried about what being pregnant would feel like and be like that I kept delaying it. I feel like this pregnancy has been so much easier than I imagined. Now labor is what is starting to worry me!

      I also agree that it is so amazing to think that wow, there is an actual tiny human growing in me right now….I guess that is something that never really clicked when I kept just thinking about the idea of getting pregnant.

      Something else that also made me get past my anxiety is that I have some friends having a hard time getting pregnant. It made me realize that I may never be completely ready to have kids but i knew i wanted them and getting pregnant may not be as easy as I thought (and it wasn’t).

    • EB0220

      I can understand where your worries come from, although they never occurred to me before pregnancy. I will just share my experiences, but you can feel free to ignore them if they aren’t helpful. The baby grows almost imperceptibly, especially at first. At least for the first trimester, you won’t see or feel any direct evidence of the baby (in terms of a bump, movement, etc.). I had at least 3 ultrasounds before I could really tell that she was there. I felt very strongly that my baby and I were one entity – one organism. This seems silly, but her movements were kind of like indigestion, my heartbeat, or my breathing. It was something involuntary but like another bodily process. Pregnancy is definitely weird, but the result is awesome.

  6. AN

    I’m going to be the voice of dissent on this one. The blouse makes even the model appear shapeless so I shudder to think how I would look in it. Plus the colour + silk + thin fabric = sweat alert.

    • mintberrycrunch

      Have to agree – I think it looks like a nightgown my grandmother would wear. I can think of a lot of other beautiful things I would spend that much money on!

  7. Anon

    Question about condolence cards – There is an associate who is about 5 years older than me and works in a different office. I don’t know them very well, but I give them a call every 4 – 5 mos when I have questions about the firm, or want career advice from someone a bit younger. Associates parents passed away and the only reason I found out is because their assistant called me to cancel a call we had scheduled. Should I email them? Send them a note? Not sure what’s appropriate in this case.

    • cc

      Usually there is a group card that goes around. Did you just find out today? I would wait until tomorrow and ask the assistant if there is going to be any kind of card/ donation. Also, if it were me, I would be touched by an email I think that would be very thoughtful.

      • cc

        Oh just realized you said different office. I think you can’t go wrong with a card or email expressing your sympathy

    • KC

      I think a card or email would be very thoughful. It’s a nice gesture if you are so inclined.

      • notowhat

        Co-signed. A short email or note acknowledging the loss and saying you’re thinking of the person would likely be appreciated.

    • ANP

      I would do a card, not an email. More personal, and to me email seems as though it might make him/her feel like they have to write you a response.

    • Diana Barry

      I always send a card, snail mail, to the person’s home address. (HR has their address if you can’t find it.)

      • Mpls

        Uh…don’t ask HR to give you their personal address. If you know them through work, send it to the work address.

          • Em

            I’m at a smaller firm, too, and also snail mail to the home address. We also have clients ask for lawyers’ home addresses when they hear there’s been a death in the family and we give it to them. So I guess it’s a know your office thing.

          • a.

            Eh, my old boss gave me a coworker’s address for a sympathy card. I don’t think it’s that wildly uncommon.

          • Mpls

            It doesn’t concern anyone else that people will distribute your mailing/home addresses to whomever asks? I guess I’d be a little concerned about just handing out personal information to just anyone… Generally, if I want someone to know my mailing address, I’ll give it to them myself.

          • cfm

            I would def be upset. For privacy, and everyone I know uses that property viewer to see how much you paid for your house. I think of where I live as private I would not want my office giving out my mailing address. Every place I have worked would not do that though.

  8. Anonymous

    UK Corporettes!

    I am in London for work this week, and I am looking for suggestions on spending my evenings. I am staying in the City of London near Old Street, so any dinner recommendations for places where I can go on my own would be wonderful. I am working on my own during the day, and on my own at night, so the trip is getting rather lonely and I don’t want to just spend my evenings at my hotel bar.

    Erin

    • Nonny

      Get last-minute tickets to a couple of shows. It is pretty easy to get tickets as a solo theatregoer and there is tons to see. You can easily get to Covent Garden and Leicester Square on the Tube or bus from where you are.

      There are lots of restaurants around Old Street and the lower reaches of Kingsland Road. Just take a stroll and find somewhere with lots of people. Time Out London is also great for restaurant reviews, if you want to see what is around.

      I am envious!

      • Nonny

        PS Go shopping too. If you go to Covent Garden there is lots of really good shopping and things are open until 8 or 9 depending on the night. Plus there are awesome restaurants around there – e.g. Wahaca, Masala Zone, Wagamama, Great Queen Street.

        In general, the City is pretty dead at night because not very many people actually live there. So you’ll find more things to do if you look outside the City.

        • Nonny

          PPS Look up Sanctuary Spa. They have evening rates. You won’t regret it.

          OK, I’m done now.

    • ouch

      Ahhhhhh you lucky, lucky creature. Old Street has TONS going on. (sorry for the Ellen-like tons, I lived in that neighborhood for 2 years).

      Do you like bars? go to Callooh Calley, a great cocktail bar. Alternatively, Queen of Hoxton is really fun, and the Eyre Brothers has great tapas.

      I also took advantage of the excellent Vietnamese food on Kingston Road, and the fun shopping on Brick Lane. Just don’t go to eat Indian food there–the best Indian food is in Whitechapel, called Tayyabs.

  10. Buyers Remorse TJ

    My husband and I just bought a condo after looking for several years. It is everything we wanted on paper. Problem is, I am having MAJOR buyer’s remorse. We are still living in our beautiful and amazing (but tiny) rental which is pretty much someone’s guest house in a very upscale neighborhood. I could probably be happy here for a long time, but I didn’t realize how much I don’t want to leave until now. Obviously there is nothing I can do about it, but I literally feel sick all day and am not eating much or sleeping well. I want to run and hide. I’ve discussed this with several people who tell me it is normal to feel this way, especially given how nice our current rental is, but that obviously we can’t live in someone’s guest house forever.

    I am generally a commitment-phobe and am realizing maybe buying wasn’t the smartest thing for someone like me. I also HATE change and freak out whenever I don’t have complete control. There is nothing wrong with the new place except that it isn’t the old place.

    Has anyone been through something similar? Can you share what helped? Should I try to find a therapist to help me work through this or is this something I can get through on my own?

    • Merabella

      I think that this is a perfectly normal response. I don’t think it would hurt to talk to a therapist, but you may feel better once you actually move into your condo. The whole sprucing up/decorating/making it yours process may ease some of your anxiety.

      I say this as someone who is completely overwhelmed just thinking about moving apartments, so understand that it is sometimes easier said than done.

      Good luck! I hope the anxiety subsides and you enjoy making your house your own.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      My husband and I bought a house in December. We were renting an awesome house in an awesome neighborhood prior. The night before we closed I was a ball of anxiety, crying, lamenting the things the new house wouldn’t have, unsure about the neighborhood, everything. We closed. I now LOVE the house. There are a few things I still need to change (like fencing it in) but I’m so glad we went through with it. Google this. I found tons of helpful articles talking about all the emotions and anxiety that go into a real estate transaction. A big part of it is a leap of faith. You only get to see the property what, 3 times before you buy? You don’t get to sleep over and really test it out. As long as you weren’t pressured to buy it and actually liked it enough to make an offer at one point, you probably have the pre-change jitters which are totally normal.

    • Ellen

      Kat, you are right. It is expensive. But the high neckline is good to keep wandering eyes lookeing where they DON”T belong. FOOEY!

      As to the OP, you probabely do have some guilt over spendeing money for a new place when you have a nice rental that you like (and presumeably is cheeper).

      I had a similar issue, but I got over it quickely. When I came back to NY from DC I had to stay back with my parent’s on LI, when I got this great job with the manageing partner. It was a BIG pain in the tuchus for me to commute from LI every day (even tho the manageing partner does it, he has a huge house as well as a summer home in the Hamton’s), so I decided that I wanted to move into the CITY.

      So a freind from college invited me to move in with her in her rental in the upper east side, b/c her roommate moved in with her boyfreind. The rent was $3000 a month (1500 each), but after moveing in, I did NOT like it b/c there were roaches and MICE scurrying around. It was DISGUSTING. My dad said no daughter of his could live this way, so he goe’s out and without even telleing me, buy’s a new CO-OP 10 block’s away for what was then alot of money, and he is paying the morgage. When he gave me the key’s, I agreed that I would pay the mainetenence, which is almost as much as the rent I was paying to live in the roach invested dump I left on 89th street (UGH).

      So in 3 month’s, I had gone from a beautiful room on LI at Mom & Dad’s, to a walkup dump in the City to a beautiful 1 bedroom co-op with a balcony, a doorman and a pool. So even tho it was trumatic, I did get over it, b/c it meant liveing by myself instead of with my family or my girlfreind from college. She did get another freind to live with her, but I had to throw out alot of my clothe’s b/c there was alot of MICE poopie and other smelly thing’s in my sweater’s. FOOEY!

      I learned my lesson, and you also should alway’s know that there is some thing better waiteing for you. I am very busy today, so will have to tell my other story later. I alway’s prefer to help other’s like this woman. YAY!!!!!!

      • Young Consultant

        I did not know Ellen spent time in our nations capital! Did she attend college there? Perhaps G-Town?

        Love Ellen Trivia

        • ELLENWatch

          George Washington University for both undergrad and law school. If you “love Ellen trivia” I have a reading recommendation for you.

    • Susie

      I don’t think you need a therapist, but maybe a decorator if anything! Once you fill the house with your things and things that make you happy you may feel different about it. And think of it this way, this is one final change and then hopefully you don’t have to move again for a really long time.

    • AIMS

      I think this is totally normal. I often have this kind of freak out and it always helps me to remember all the other commitments I have gone wacky over. For instance, every time I’ve had a pet, I mentally calculated their life expectancy vs. how old I would be when they die and then panicked over how long that was. Or when SO & I moved in together – even though I was happy – I freaked out that we couldn’t split up until our lease was up without leaving each other in the lurch. All not “normal” things but that are just my M.O. It always helps to remember my past reactions when I start to feel remorse because it reminds me that I’ve done this before and it always turned out fine.

    • Buyers Remorse TJ

      Thanks for all of the tips! I feel a little better. I know at one point I wanted to buy this condo and that this is my normal reaction to change, but that sure doesn’t stop the anxiety and nausea. Hopefully once we get in there I will feel better. I think the fact we BOUGHT it is what is so hard for me to deal with. I don’t like feeling stuck, and it doesn’t get any more stuck than this.

  11. SoCal Gator

    I just have to say that the finale of Downton Abbey left me speechless…. and sad. No spoilers but I needed to vent. It literally had me screaming.

    • Sweet as Soda Pop

      It just doesn’t make sense! This whole season has left me disappointed.

      • Mpls

        I was kind of waiting to see how they’d do it, given the talks about the contracts and such. I kept waiting for someone to get shot on the hunting trip.

        • Shanghai

          Me too, Mpls. I kept thinking, “is it going to happen NOW? Or NOW? Or NOW?” Left me on edge most of the show!

          • Sweet as Soda Pop

            I was doing that too! It all just felt very sudden, like “we have to do this and now we’ve run out of time. BAM!”

          • Mpls

            Or maybe there was still some negotiations going on at the time of filming and they needed to be able to end either way.

    • LilyB

      I’m kind of glad actually. The character really bothered me (and the romance I found to be boring at this point), I didn’t think the actor was all that good, and this will certainly make things interesting in the next season! They were just too happy for their own good hah

      • Eleanor

        I agree that Matthew and Mary settling into married contentment was much less interesting than their sparring, but I actually think the actor who played Matthew was one of the better ones on the show. For as many ridiculous and unbelieveable things the script called for him to do (I will never walk again…now I can walk! I can’t marry Mary out of loyalty to Lavinia…now I will marry her! I will never take Lavinia’s father’s money…now I will take it!), I think he did a good job pulling it off.

        Unlike, unfortunately, the actress who plays Rose. I see the need for a new character, but her efforts to portray exuberant youth feel forced. Matthew did a much better job with weak material. I know, why am I still watching this show if I have so many complaints? I ask myself the same thing. I think it’s the clothes. Plus I like Daisy’s accent and whole manner of speech.

        • LilyB

          Yeah I think his acting only really bothered me towards the end when his whole role was to be in endless adoration of Mary (who is my least favorite character).

          • January

            I read that as foreshadowing (look how much Matthew loves Mary! Look how he stifles her worst impulses!)

            If I were Edith, I’d run off to America NOW, if only to avoid whatever curse these people seem to be under.

    • Nancy P

      I feel like the message of this season is “if you have a baby, someone will die.”

      • mamabear

        The message is, if you create a hit series, you can be assured that some of the actors will want to use their newfound fame to make more money elsewhere.

    • roses

      This one wasn’t totally the writers’ fault, I don’t think. If you google you can see that the actor(s) in question made their own decisions about continuing with the show. I realize perhaps the writers could have been a bit more creative given those contraints, but it isn’t like they had unlimited options.

      • Olivia Pope

        I read that both the deaths were caused by the actors leaving the show. When a downstairs character needs to go, they can just get a job and leave Downtown. When an upstairs character has to go, they need to be killed off. There would be no reason for Matthew to abandon Mary and Downton forever, you know?

      • Anonymous

        I think Julian Fellowes is a cr*ppy writer and was punishing Dan Whatshisname for leaving by giving him such ridiculous lines. “I’ve seen you n*ked, so I know you’re nice”. Wha???

        And BTW I lOVE Downton. But seriously. The writing is horrible.

    • January

      Does anyone else think they should have just ended the entire series? Just imagine that the finale had ended right before the last 90 seconds of thatepisode. Everyone lives happily ever after, more or less.

      Though I do agree with LilyB that that character’s storyline had gotten dull, so it will be interesting to see how they deal with the aftermath.

      • roses

        If I recall I think it was originally intended to be a 3-season series, but it became so popular that they extended it. I think it still has potential to remain good, but they’ll definitely have to step up their game.

      • Miss Cellaneous

        The “upstairs” material has gotten pretty weak. I still love the “downstairs” characters and storylines, so I’m glad it’s not completely over.

        Surely they could do something better than a car ride on the way home from the hospital. It was painfully obvious that this was a contract issue rather than the direction of the show. I agree that the Matthew/Mary stuff was getting boring, but I think rushing through Mary’s pregnancy in order to have another main character die immediately after the birth of a child wasn’t the best way to handle it.

        Wouldn’t it have been dramatic and interesting if Matthew died when Mary was only a few months along, and the fate of Downton hinged on whether the baby was a boy or girl (and whether Mary could stay strong enough in her grief to not harm the baby)?

        • Saacnmama

          Lol–I don’t watch the show, so I don’t care, but that was just one heck of a spoiler. Having read it, I can totally pass myself off as a DA fan. And you may have just won r3tt3 foes for life

          • Mpls

            Well, at least it wasn’t at the top of the DA chain – anyone who didn’t want to be spoiled had fair warning to skip.

          • Miss Cellaneous

            It’s all over the news. If my comment spoiled it for you, then this must be the only website you’ve visited in the last 36 hours… In which case I doubt you’re in the corporate world. It was on the front page of the NYTimes and tons of other news sources. Not to mention all of the news when this episode aired in the UK several months ago…

          • Coalea

            Given the fuss that occurred on this site a few weeks ago when someone disclosed a DA spoiler, I was waiting to see if something similar would happen this time. At least no one has accused anyone else of being a dick this time! Progress?

          • Saacnmama

            I’ve kinda been a hermit lately–except for 2 hrs on Fri, I’ve been caring for someone 24/7 since 2:30 Thurs. reason for this is that they are not well, so I haven’t gotten out much.

            But yeah, all the spoiler haters seem to have learned in the last to-round that they should just skip anything that says DA.

    • Niktaw

      Where is the Facebook recap of the last episode? I think I enjoyed them even more that the show itself.

  12. Lawyers -- Income to Equity Partner

    For my legal sisters, can you chime in if you are a partner at a firm with income and equity partners (and especially if you have gone from income to equity)?

    I’ve been an income partner for 5 years and I feel stuck. Small practice (but in a non-major market), but I feel that the firm structure rewards people in larger groups who can help grow their work together and then support each other within management.

    FWIW, I have 100% self-generated business (so I’m not being fed by anyone) and small children still, so I feel like I am working harder (so I’m part of a $1M group of 1, but other people are seen as part of a$5M group, but their contribution is not 5 and likely less than 1) but getting less (lower title = less $).

    Maybe it’s time for a smaller firm where that size practice gets more notice? Hating the game today.

    • Susie

      Are you at a mid-sized firm now? I’m in-house, never been a partner but I know a few of my friends in small firms have had frustrations with this. One is an income partner and ran the litigation side, the other (equity) partners are all transactional and he had a good amount of autonomy but they would not give him equity. If you go too small a firm there definitely seems to be more “protectiveness” where the old partners will not let new ones in fully.

  14. Heartbroken

    It happened yesterday without any real reason. I didn’t see it coming, and I can’t figure out how he was one way for a year and a half and then suddenly so cold and cruel. Repost from last night since I posted very late:

    Any advice on getting through it? I have wallowing tendencies. House of Cards did a decent job distracting me last night, but I’m struggling at work today.

    I was still in school the last time I got dumped by a serious boyfriend, so I only had to pull myself together for a few classes each day and was able to spend most of the first week watching trashy TV on the couch. There’s no way I can take the time off to do that this time.

    • BMBG

      I’m so sorry. No recommendations, but hugs your way. Perhaps allow yourself a set period of time to wallow each day? Say, from 8-11 p.m. with trashy TV and ice cream? That way each time you think about it throughout the day, you can try to push back the thought with “your wallowing time isn’t scheduled until later, but then you can ball your eyes out …”

      • Spit-take victim

        I think you meant _bawl_. Bawl your eyes out. Of course, your grief-soothing behavior may vary.

        • BMBG

          Haha, oh my god, yes. Typing way too fast! Thanks for the spit-take on my end, too!

    • De

      What city are you in? We’re always here to take you out.

      For me, I avoid all things mushy, only watch tv shows like Band of Brothers, create really intense playlists and get thyself to the gym.

    • TO Lawyer

      I’m sorry to hear that. I’m glad you reposted because I saw your post but haven’t been able to get back onto the open thread to respond.

      Second what De said – post your city and I’m sure someone will be happy to take you out for a drink!

      For me, I find keeping myself distracted is key. Throwing myself into work, going to the gym (which incidentally were 2 things recommended by Olivia Pope :) ), and not thinking about it helps. So when I’m not at work, I force myself to watch tv and movies to get my mind of things. When my SO and I recently went through a very rough patch and I thought things were ending, I watched all of Downton Abbey to distract myself (which worked until I ran out of new episodes…)

      Hope this helps – maybe not this week, but on the weekend or next week, try to plan something fun so you have something to look forward to.

      Feel free to keep posting to vent and get support – that’s what we’re here for!

    • Bonnie

      Hugs. Sometimes it helps to cry. Open a bottle of wine and pop in a tear jerker like City of Angels and let yourself go but then limit the sobfests by keeping distracted the rest of the time. I’d also recommend boxing up anything that you received from your BF so you don’t have visual reminders.

    • a.

      Hugs. Go get yourself some chocolate, wine, ice cream, French fries, whatever your comfort food is. I’m so sorry you’re going through this–breakups, especially unanticipated ones, can be so, so hard. I’d concentrate on taking it one day at a time, and doing everything possible to be kind to yourself when you’re not at work. Watch bad TV (especially if it’s TV you love and he hated!), take walks, exercise, go to your local animal shelter and play with kittens and puppies. You will get through this, and it will get easier.

      And, just a word of wisdom from my last gnarly breakup–do. not. contact. him.

    • Heartbroken

      You are all so sweet to respond and really, truly helping me not be so pathetic right now. Will respond more when I have time, but until then, I want you to know how much I appreciate your responses. They’re exactly what I need to hear because right now all I’m hearing in my own head is (in sobbing voice), “It (sniff) was (sniff) supposed (sniff) to be (sniff) forever. Waaaaaaa.”

      Anyways, right now I have your responses pulled up on my phone so that when I feel sucked into wallowing, I read them and get back to work. Thank you!

      • PDXK

        Oh, man, I have been there and recently. It sucks. Let yourself cry, and let yourself freak out, and try not to yell at all the people who will tell you it “will get better.” It will get better, but it will take time and it will hurt. To the extent possible, try and schedule some stuff that is good for you (running, long bath, massage, facial) and remember to eat.

  15. Menu Recommendations Wanted

    I’m having 3 friends over for dinner this week and I’m looking for suggestions of what to serve. One of my friends is currently doing the Paleo diet thing (although splurging a lot from what I can tell) and the rest of us are on healthy eating kicks. I’m not a bad cook, just looking for healthy suggestions that are a little more exciting than salads. Any ideas or websites for me to refer to?

    • CW

      This is great for a quick and easy dinner: http://www.myrecipes.com/recipe/pork-tenderloin-with-dijon-cranberry-sauce-10000001031640/

      I’ve marinated the pork for up to 3 days before cooking it, and the cranberry sauce mixture can be pre-made as well. Then it’s about 20 minutes of cooking time in total. The pork is delicious on its own, so your Paleo friend can avoid the cranberry sauce. Then I’d serve it with some roasted veggies (mushrooms and cauliflower take about 20 minutes to roast, so can go into the oven when you start searing the pork).

    • Veronique

      I’m making adobo chicken tonight (http://bigboldbeautifulfood.blogspot.com/2009/03/filipino-chicken-adobo.html) and it’s one of my favorites. It’s incredibly customizable. Usually I marinate the chicken overnight and sear it before stewing on the stove, but today I’m slow cooking it and broiling the chicken to brown/crisp it before serving. It gets even better with age if you want to make it a day or two in advance and can either be served with brown rice (for the regular healthy folks) or tonight I’m having it with sauteed garlic cabbage since I’m temporarily cutting carbs. A side of steamed/roasted broccoli or green beans make it a meal.

    • Rayna James

      This weekend I made a yummy healthy side:
      roasted butternut squash in cubes till cooked
      then while still in the pan put in a bunch of baby spinach. it will wilt
      pan fry in some olive oil coarsely chopped almonds, and then throw the almonds over the squash/spinach mixture
      season with salt

      If you have some fresh thyme, add it in too

  16. Anonymous

    I was in a small cafe in my neighborhood last night grabbing a quick dinner, finishing up some work. No one there but me….. and then “open mic” night started. Two older gentlemen (about 60-70 year olds?) with their guitars took turns singing old Beatles tunes. It was a little cute, but …. awkward as they each started talking to me immediately since I was the only “audience”. I was trying to work, and they were trying to flirt with me (some classic old school lines), asking more and more personal questions, giving me their card, and having a little “competition” of sorts. I finished my dinner and left.

    Other then the continual blow to my ego that men older then my father seem to be the only ones who ever approach me, this brought up an issue I have had in the past.

    What do you say when complete strangers ask your name/where do you work/details about your life etc… and you don’t want to reveal too much personal info? In the day of the internet, it doesn’t take much info to track anyone down, and I have had an unpleasant situation related to this in the past. I am not a strikingly attractive woman at all so I don’t have unwanted attention that frequently. But maybe that is one reason I am less prepared for it. I tend to only attract the unstable and grandpas, but unfortunately these groups tend to be more “persistent”.

    So what do you say when complete stranger is pretty forward, without sounding like a total b*tch?

    • TBK

      Stop worrying about sounding like a b—ch. If someone’s being a jerk (i.e., by not respecting boundaries/reading body language), there’s nothing b—-chy about saying you’re not interested. I think you can even just say “I don’t feel comfortable sharing that information.” Will people act offended? Yep. Is that your problem? Nope. Being offended that you’re not being given something you have no right to is not the problem of the person withholding the information.

      • Monday

        I agree. Even if they are ultimately harmless, you have no obligation to give them any information or even to talk to them at all. This reminds me of being commanded to smile by strange men on the street. We’re allowed to exist in public on our own terms.

      • cfm

        Plus 1. If I don’t mind getting to know someone I will give my first name and my general profession “lawyer” (not which firm) If it is an older dude who is interested in more than friendly talk (actually trying to hit on me) I just say oh thanks for the compliment but I am just here for dinner, not company. that’s for the first offense and if they seem generally well meaning. If they persist I just say “hey- I said I’m not interested” and shut them down completely.

        • Anonymous

          Thanks to you all. I appreciate the thoughts. It’s hard to “yell” this out to a 70 year old folk singer on stage… with the waitresses listening… easier to just leave then mortify everyone (myself…).

          I hate to presume that everyone has ulterior motives when people are talking to you socially, but I often do….. I find this issue also comes up in cocktail parties, and in some work related functions. Small talk so often begins with your name, “what do you do…. oh really? where do you work…. which hospital? which department/specialty?” It is so difficult to stop the flow, and by then they can practically find your office/phone number/email address…. It’s hard to keep things casual.

          Maybe it happens more when you say you are in medicine then in law, since everyone knows the big hospitals around, as everyone gets sick/sees doctors, so they always want more details regarding what you do. And unfortunately, everyone wants to tell you about their medical problems….. :)

      • n.

        Agreed. The desire not to offend is a really unproductive one in these situations because it perpetuates the idea that we should be nice/open/available to anyone who wants to engage. We don’t. Nowadays guys who intrude on my personal space get one polite rebuff (“Sorry, but I’m here to work”) and then I’ll be as rude as I need to be to get him to disengage. My rationale is that deliberately ignoring a polite but direct request to leave me be is straight up rude, and so I’m perfectly justified in being rude back.

        • Anon

          This. x1000

          And the ones who seem to object to a woman standing up for herself and defending her boundaries are either neolithic a-holes or some of their female apologists.

    • roses

      You said you were finishing up work, so why didn’t you just say that? “You guys sounded great, but I really need to finish this. Nice meeting you.” If they kept up their advances after that, you have every right to be more forceful; “Look, I told you, I’m finishing up work. Please leave me alone.” After that you can leave or get a manager involved. If they/society think you are a B for not tolerating unwanted advances, especially those that border on harrassment, it’s their/society’s problem, not yours.

  17. Cold Feet

    A question from Europe: I’ve noticed on quite a few US style blogs that the women wear coats, scarves, sometimes even hats – but seem to be barefoot in their heels. Do Americen women really do that? And if so, isn’t that dreadfully cold?

    • Godzilla

      Yes, they do dress that way. They may feel cold or not, who knows. As long as my feet are toasty, live and let live.

    • Kontraktor

      I would say in warmer colder areas this is pretty common. I think most people are not outside for very long in dressier shoes so it’s not that big a deal. It can be maybe mid 30s and it’s not too bad to have that tiny part of your foot exposed for a few minutes at a time. I know when I lived in DC, I would only wear boots to commute in if it were lower than about 32 or wet outside. Otherwise I was fine in just ballet flats. I think people in very cold climates like Wisconsin or Minnesota probably don’t have uncovered feet quite as commonly.

      • Diana Barry

        +1 to “warmer colder areas” – in BOS we don’t usually do this – most people wear boots. People who do wear bare feet/shoes look like they’re from away.

        • TBK

          Oh, thank you for using the charming New England expression “from away.” I say this and no one in the Mid-Atlantic knows what I’m talking about.

      • Mpls

        I agree – in California, people start bundling up with the scarves and coats at about 50 or 60 degrees F. Heck, I’ll throw on a scarf and down vest at 50-ish degrees, but might still be wearing cute wedges without any socks. So, I can totally see it happening in areas like that. You definitely won’t see it in Minnesota (unless you’re a college girl going out on the weekends) because in addition to the cold, you’ve got ice patches and frozen snow enough places that the heels are also a recipe to break your leg, in addition to freezing your feet off.

    • applesandcheddar

      I see this all the time. I do not get it at all, and I think it looks silly. It the winter, I am wearing socks and boots every day.

      • JessC

        I think it depends on the climate. I live in central FL and while it can get into the 30s, that’s usually only overnight and early mornings. By the late morning, even on the coldest days, it’s in the 50s-60s. I’d rather tough it out in the 5 minutes I spend walking from my front door to the car and from my car to my office building. Socks and boots in that kind weather would be overkill.

    • Veronique

      I see this all the time at my church (in a Great Lake state). Women wear heels with fishnets/hose or bare legs or even open toed shoes. I know some change into boots to go outside and I guess just brave the cold in the brief walk from door to car.

    • Bonnie

      Yes and it drives me nuts. I don’t get it when I see women wearing flip flops or bare legs with down parkas, scarves, gloves, and hats.

    • De

      Guilty. In my defense, I grew up in Florida and now live in New England, and I just haven’t broken some habits. I drive to work, and so I will wear boots from my apartment to the car, to the parking garage if there’s snow on the ground, or if it’s really unbearably cold. But, I also have a wardrobe full of skirts, and haven’t built up a boot collection yet (these darn calf muscles!) In my case, it’s a few minutes of really cold, and then I’m in the office all day in my skirt and nylons. Not that big a deal.

      Now, when I work in the city, and have to walk a few blocks, it’s boots baby!

    • MJ

      I grew up in CA and when I lived in London and NY, I never wore boots. I have super-skinny legs (and huge feet), so all boots look ridiculous on me, except cheap synthetic stretch boots, which were not appropriate. So yes, I often wore heels with “skin” showing. Oh well.

    • MB

      To me, there is a difference between cold and dry (i.e. 30 in the morning, warming up to 40s or warmer during the day) and persistent cold + precipitation + snow and slush already on the ground. In the latter conditions, I can’t fathom wearing heels and bare feet (or flats and bare feet). In the former, I could see how the shoe would keep you warm enough if you weren’t outdoors for too long. But bare feet and snow / slush just do not mix. I don’t even like to wear non-boots with tights in snowy / slush winter because my tight-ed feet still get wet and gross. Which is why I am so sick of wearing black tights + boots to work. Its been months since I’ve worn anything else.

  18. ANP

    Does anyone own the Nine West Ambitious Pump? Link to follow in a subsequent comment. Can you speak to the comfort and sizing of this shoe? I’m looking for a basic pair of black leather round-toe pumps — similar to the Ann Taylor Perfect Pump, but less expensive — and these seem to fit the bill.

    In the same vein, I’m also interested in the Puma Women’s Zandy Ballet Slipper (link to follow as well) for weekend/casual wear. I’d be open to spending more on both types of shoes but I’m currently on a partially-unpaid maternity leave so I need to be judicious.

    • Kontraktor

      I just ordered the NW Ambitious and returned them. The vamp area just seemed a bit weird/frumpy to me on my feet. Maybe it covered too much of my toe cleavage, but the toe of the shoe was too elongated at the same time? I am not sure how to explain, but I didn’t like. The quality seemed a bit eh as well.

    • Anon

      I bought the Puma Women’s Zandy Ballet Slipper in red a few years ago when I was also on maternity leave, and I highly recommend it. They’re very comfortable and easy to slip on and go when you want to take your little one to the park, store, etc. They’re also a lot cuter than, say, clogs or athletic tennis shoes, particularly if you’re wearing a skirt, dress, or the ubiquitous (at least in my neighborhood) mommy ankle-length (not capri) pants. I actually get more compliments on those shoes than many of my more expensive/dressier options.

    • Shanghai

      I love the Ambitious pump! I have a wide size 9 foot, and think the rounded toe box was just perfect for me. The heel is not too low to be frumpy, but not too high to wear all day. It was a little tight and uncomfortable at first, but the patent leather stretched out and became very comfy. The only issue I have had is that they’re looking quite worn out after about a year and a half–but they’re not super expensive and I’ve worn them almost daily for a while, so maybe that’s partially my fault. Normally I can’t stand cheap shoes due to quality/fit issues, but these were just right for everyday wear.

      • big dipper

        I just commented below on the Pumas, but I actually have the Ambitious pumps as well, in the nude for me color. I wear them 3-4 times per week, and they have a bit of wear but they’re so comfortable and inexpensive I will definitely be replacing them when I go back to work in the fall.

    • MJ

      Yes–note that there is zero arch support and the lining is cheap and synthetic–quality is not good. I have a pair, but wear them only with jeans to places I don’t care about my shoes getting ruined. They have a lot of fun colors, but they are really uncomfortable. I have a pair of similar Stuart Weiztmans (bought on sale 2 season ago, the Hola) and they are 10x more comfortable. I would sale-stalk the Hola if you like that look.

    • big dipper

      I had a different style of Puma flats that I wore into the ground. They were insanely comfortable, supportive and were cuter than a standard pair of sneakers. I would imagine that these flats would be similar.

  19. BusinessCasualty

    I desperately need some work advice (and SANITY!)

    I have a coworker who shows up to work at 10am and leaves at 4:30 (supposed to be 8-4:30). No one (that matters) notices this because of a work environment that is constantly come and go. She takes personal calls all day long, for sometimes hours at a time. Her work is severely slacking but she uses excuses that there just isn’t much for her to work with (NOT TRUE). Our productivity is low which reflects poorly on me. Our boss works in another building and only interacts with us twice/month, so the boss is completely oblivious to this. My gut says I should keep quiet, but this has been going on for months now and is beginning to wear on me. How do I handle this?

    • cfm

      When you say reflects poorly on you- are you in a supervisory position at all? What’s the relationship that makes it reflect poorly on you

      • BusinessCasualty

        We are on the same level, working on the same project. When productivity is low it is difficult to determine who is not contributing to the work. I have since taken on additional projects to show that I am contributing much more.

        @moments – that is exactly what I have been doing and will continue to do so. Thanks for the affirmation.

        • Susie

          Just be careful here, so no one mistakenly gets the idea that you are not doing your part in the joint project because you have all these other projects. I know it’s frustrating, hang in there and trust that other will notice your coworker is dropping the ball.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      Keep quiet, not your business unless it is directly affecting your work. If it is, like if she is not getting parts of projects done you need to move forward, a couple of days before you need it, ask her for it, then the day before, then when you need it. If you still don’t have it, just be up front and honest, without throwing her under the bus, when your boss asks for it, “I’ve got W, X and Y done but I’m still waiting on Part B from Cathy to finish up Z.”

      • Anon

        I actually think if there’s a way to throw the slacker under the bus, without the OP looking bad, the OP should do it.

        It’s a matter of accountability. Actions should have consequences, and until the slacker gets punished for it, the slacker will continue to merrily draw a paycheck for doing very little work, while greatly inconveniencing the OP by dumping work on the OP.

  20. ohc

    Rant: I’ve spent the past two days poring through old project files to confirm that yes, a woman with whom I used to work (she was let go a few years ago) mismanaged a grant we received way before I had started working here. She somehow didn’t accurately track how the money was being spent, and she also made spending decisions that made no sense at all (using only $9000 of the grant money for a project with a total cost of $65000–and yes, the company absorbed the balance!). Now that the grant’s timeline has finally expired, it turns out that we never used $7000 and will have to return it to the grantor–not a huge sum, I know, but that could easily have funded an entire (small) project.

    Sigh. I’m just frustrated. Part of my job now is to find grants and subsidies for current projects, so I’m appalled at such wanton disregard for balanced budgets and sensible grant allocation. That the woman was let go just makes the whole thing more awkward–I need to explain to our directors what happened, and I feel like a jerk for being present for the knowing sighs that will follow the “Yes, it was X’s project”.

    • cc

      Actually I think this will be less akward since she is gone. more akward would be discovering a current employee was mismanaging grants. Your company hired a bad person, realized it, and let her go. Now they have you- someone who is taking charge and righting the ship. It is frusterating but it sounds like you are in a great position to fix the mismanagement going forward

  21. To Equity's Darling

    …reposting from yesterday.

    I saw your comment about relocating to the UK on the weekend thread and am happy to talk to you! E-mail me at figonthames at the Google service. Also, thank you so much for the lovely compliment. I am wearing my chartreuse sweater today. :-)

    Nonny.

  22. anon now

    So… through some boredom I ended up googling my best friend’s new screen name (I know, I’m a stalker) and found out she’s pregnant (via a Bump profile… so it could be fake, but says she’s due end of September). She’s MOH in my wedding first week of October… so, umm, looks like that’s not going to happen. I wish she would tell me so we can figure out what to do though!

    I will totally throw her a baby shower and what have you but if someone else needs to take over as MOH I’d like to know that!!

    • a.

      If I were you, I’d cut her a break. She has undoubtedly got a LOT on her mind right now with a new pregnancy, and, while your wedding is incredibly important to you, for her it probably pales in comparison with the tiny human growing inside her.

    • cc

      You do not need to know. What does a MOH need to do? They need to stand up there on the day. I’m sure you’ll know by June or July with plenty of time. You are being very nosy. She is only what, two months? She will tell you when she is ready to tell you.

      • anon now

        She’s due 6 days before my wedding. Don’t think she’d be participating then…

        • anon now

          Plus, there’s the shower and the bachelorette. We started talking about those and now she’s disappeared probably because she’s avoiding telling me until the second trimester. I get it… she doesn’t want to jinx it. I’m happy for her… but if someone needs to take over she needs to let me know. 2 of my other bridesmaids (both relatives of FI or me) are pregnant and will have infants at the wedding but they’ve told me and we’ve made arrangements…. I’m just so frustrated because I JUST found out about my SIL.

          • wow

            You really sound like a bridezilla. You’ll have a shower and bachelorette party. Your wedding is not for months. It really will be ok if they’re planned closer to the wedding. Perhaps your MOH has miscarried or has a high risk pregnancy. Give her the 12 weeks to think about herself instead of you.

          • Marilla

            You need to step back a little bit and consider this not from your own perspective for a moment. While I’m sure you have dreams and plans of how you want your wedding (and shower, and bachelorette, and so on) to be, and the friends/family you want to be there and help out and plan, etc…they also have their own dreams and plans for their lives. Your bridesmaids/MOH are not going to put their plans to have kids on hold because of your wedding — nor are they spitefully getting pregnant to try to steal your thunder. Your best friend has no obligation to tell you anything about her (maybe imaginary) pregnancy until she’s ready, and you have plenty of time to plan and make changes if need be. If you need to change who’s listed as MOH on your wedding website, I’m sure everyone will be delighted by the pregnancy news rather than appalled at the sudden change in plans.

        • cc

          Yeah of course not. But you don’t need to know 7 months ahead of time. She will tell you when she is ready, which I am sure will be months ahead of your wedding, giving you plenty of time to pick a different person if you want.

    • Mpls

      If she’s due the end of Sept, then she’s not out of her first trimester, right? And most people don’t say anything until then, so I’d give her a break.

    • Marilla

      That’s 8 months away.. I think you can give her a little time to let you know. :)

    • cfm

      Good lord. And you wonder how brides get the reputation that the day is all about them! October is 8 months away. Stop stalking your MOH. I can’t believe you find out your best friend is going to have a baby and this is your first thought. You’ve also ruined the awesome moment when she tells you. I’m having a baby! “Oh! Yes I know I’ve been watching you on the bump. Lets talk about my wedding though.”

    • Anne Shirley

      Please find a hobby that doesnt involve stalking your friends. Recreational drinking? Obsessive reading of TheKnot? Rewatching every episode of The Bachelor ever made?

      You don’t need to know yet. And no, before you even consider it, you can’t suggest dress shopping to nudge her into telling

    • Susie

      I think she should have told you, as your best friend if not as your MOH, I don’t think the first trimester rule applies between best friends. But is it possible someone uses the same screen name?
      I don’t think it’s being bridezilla to want to know your MOH can participate, it makes it awkward later if your replacement MOH knows you asked last minute and they weren’t a first choice.

      • Anon

        “I think she should have told you, as your best friend if not as your MOH, I don’t think the first trimester rule applies between best friends.”

        Why, exactly, should she have told the bride-to-be that she is pregnant? She hasn’t passed the first trimester, so presumably, she probably isn’t telling anyone yet. Also – if you are my best friend – then it is very very likely that I will share things with you (1) before I share with other people as well as (2) things that I may only share with you, and not with other people. However, it does NOT mean that I’m required to share ANY ONE THING IN PARTICULAR with you. Because it is my life, not yours.

        Yeesh.

        • Susie

          I’m not saying as an obligation, just that naturally best friends share these sort of things. I know which of my friends are TTC.

          • MaggieLizer

            This was my thought too. I guess it depends on your personalities and how integrated you are in each other’s lives. Personally, I’d be pretty hurt if my BFF who’s TTC waited so long to tell me.

            That said, OP, your BFF obviously is not ready to tell you and you should respect her decision and her privacy. If you’re unsatisfied with the boundaries she’s creating – as in she’s not as close a friend as you’d like her to be – then maybe it’s for the best that she can’t be your MOH.

      • rosie

        So you think she should pretend replacement MOH was the first choice and try to fake it? That seems weird. I didn’t have a MOH or bridesmaids, but I know who my MOH would have been, and I never would have found a stand in for her (she didn’t in fact, attend my wedding).

        • anon now

          She’s already listed on my wedding website (password protected for guests only) as my MOH… save the dates just went out so people have seen the website. Couldn’t pretend if I wanted to.

          • rosie

            Yeah, so it’s ok, not much you can do but wait and see what happens. In the event she actually is pregnant and due when listed, I would leave her as MOH. Even if she cannot actually be at your wedding, it is still an honor that you wanted her as MOH.

            I would not be happy to find out that my BFF was pregnant the way you did either, but there could be other things going on with her, and she will tell you what she wants to tell you when she wants to do so. It’s frustrating when you are so close to someone and they do not share these kinds of details with you, but whether she’s right or wrong not to talk to you about it right now, I am sure what she is dealing with is difficult, so I would cut her some slack either way.

          • Anon

            I disagree that the OP has a right to be unhappy about the way she found out. It isn’t like a mutual friend told her. Or their shared housekeeper. She found out BY GOOGLING HER FRIEND’S INTERNET SCREEN NAME. That her friend presumably shared with her without suspecting that she would use it to google her. Because…who does that?

            It’s not like she’s 5 months pregnant and everyone was told but the OP. She’s newly pregnant. She probably hasn’t told anyone IRL.

            You know the only thing worse than a culture where oversharing is prevalent? One where it is expected.

      • O.

        Different people do different things. We didn’t even tell our families until the second trimester.

    • anon

      Legit this is one of the weirdest posts I have ever seen. Stop googling your best friends screen name. Do not tell anyone in real life that you did this. Pretend to be surprised and happy for her when she tells you.

    • KLG

      She might not even be pregnant. Maybe she is thinking about trying to get pregnant and signed up for the Bump to get access to the content and put in a fake due date. I signed up for the Knot with a made up wedding date when my sister was getting married because I didn’t see the bridesmaids option and wanted to look at dresses, etc. to send her.

      • mintberrycrunch

        This was my thought. Not only does she have zero obligation to tell you about her pregnancy until she’s ready to do so, but there’s a good chance she’s not even pregnant. I am TTC, and I think there are options to sign up with a due date… she could have done that by accident (or on purpose, for whatever reason).

        You are wasting time and energy being upset about something that you cannot control and that very well may be a complete non-issue. I understand that wedding planning can get stressful, but it will only be worse if you let these things get to you.

      • Meg Murry

        Or maybe she had a positive test, signed up for the Bump and then had a miscarriage and doesn’t want to talk about it with you (or anyone).
        She’ll tell you when she’s ready to tell you. Its not like she thought “I know, I’ll screw up BFFs wedding by getting pregnant with a due date right before the wedding!” For all you know, this was an accident and she’s freaked out right now. Life happens, no matter how well you try to plan around it. At this point, assume she’s going to be your MOH until she tells you otherwise.

    • anon

      Just wanted to say that I think the other comments are a little harsh about both the googling and wanting the news (and I’m pregnant, if that matters). That being said, there’s really nothing OP can do but wait until your friend tells you.

      • AIMS

        Way harsh! I agree that it’s weird to stalk your friends’ screennames online but that aside, I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be expect that your best friend would tell you a) that she’s pregnant and b) that she may not be able to be in your wedding. And while I get that no one has the right to know anything, etc., I would be a little hurt if my best friend would be far enough alomng that she’d create a Bump profile (whatever that is) and yet wouldn’t also share that info with me, esp. when she has an integral role in my wedding. Quite frankly, I don’t think there’s anything “Bridezilla” about that.

        Anyway, not much to be done now but to wait for her to share the news.

        • Anonymous

          Thirded. She’s not saying – how dare she get pregnant and mess up my pictures. The due date is less than a week before. Dresses and other plans need to be made/ordered. She also indicated that her current MOH is not being responsive, so if she needs help with something, she should wait until April, when potentially pregnant MOH may then tell her. Some people are planners. They shouldn’t be shamed for that. The internet stalking on the other hand, is a litte creepy.

    • Divaliscious11

      My best friend was my MOH and she was 8 months pregnant. She looked amazing, and her dress was beautiful, matched the other bridesmaids. But I imagine she hasn’t yet thought that far ahead yet….

    • Saacnmama

      No, I don’t think you’re being Bridezilla. You’re planning a major event with perhaps a couple hundred people, lots of services to coordinate, and you can’t even run around behind the scenes and make sure everything goes well. Of course you want to make sure you’ve got the right people in the key roles. And you want to be there for her blessed event too.

      Can you handle it by asking your MOH in a daydreamy/ planning kind of way what else she has planned around then, when she thinks the various other events would work best for her and other wedding party members?

  23. Gail the Goldfish

    Reposting from this weekend in the hopes that someone wants this:

    I ordered a Quincy pencil skirt on final sale and it doesn’t quite fit, so I thought I’d see if anyone here wants to take it off my hands. It’s the Elliot pencil skirt in black–they don’t have anything on their website any more, but it’s just a plain black pencil skirt. Size 28 regular. It fits me fine in the waist but is too tight in my thighs (I’m very pear shaped). It would probably work for someone who’s a straighter size 4 than me. I paid $30 and just want to get that back. If you’re in NYC, I can meet you somewhere to exchange. Email me at [thissite]clothesswap at gmail dot com

  24. mkm

    A huge thank you for the NYC recommendation thread a few weeks back. I took the advice of the hive (although I wasn’t the OP), and had an incredible weekend at Ink48. My new favourite spot in NY. Thanks, ladies!

  25. afl

    Anyone in the Oklahoma City area with a recommendation for a tailor? I need some pretty routine (hems, etc.) and not routine – significant alterations at the bust.

    • anon

      I like Gina Master Tailor downtown, in the First National Center. I had her alter some suit pants for me, and they came out very well. Plus her prices are reasonable. I have not had her do a jacket, though.

  27. Calibrachoa

    Whinge…. I am surrounded by idiots. How on EARTH can someone work in IT for YEARS and not recognize a mail undelivered message? Seriously. and of course due to their incompetence it’s my head on the plate. Can it be home (and wine!) time yet?

    • Bewitched

      I agree, this is awesome. As a mom to three (youngest is 13), I wasn’t willing to leave my job because I was very concerned that no one would hire me when I was ready to come back. As a result, I’ve always worked full time. It’s great to see that there are options for women to re-entry the workforce. All of the jobs listed are ones that anyone would be happy to have. I think law is still generally unsupportive of working moms, so this is a start.

  29. rosie

    Anyone with Morton’s neuroma? Any suggestions for what shoe inserts to get? Other suggestions, stories, or ideas?

    • mamabear

      Rosie, I have Morton’s neuroma. I recommend you check out the blog barkingdogshoes for shoe recs. i dont use inserts or orthotics for it, but I did reduce the height of my heels, and really do much better this time of year when i can wear low heeled boots all the time. The best thing, though, was the cortisone injection my podiatrist gave me. I found it a very unpleasant experience (and I am not afraid of needles) but the payoff has been huge. Virtually no pain for over a year.

      • rosie

        Thanks, mamabear. After years of toe pain, I have this as a potential diagnosis. I will check out barkingdogshoes, although I am pretty good about my shoes (wearing low-to-no-heeled boots right now).

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