Weekend Open Thread

309 Comments

1. Why anyone would pay $210 for a chambray shirt from a brand I’ve never heard of is beyond me…

   1. Haha, I thought the same thing: Chambray is cute, nice for weekend, la la la, -wait – $210 for a chambray shirt? Why???

   2. I have no idea. Mine was $35 on the sale rack at Anthropologie. I love it, wear it all the time, and consider it a wardrobe staple, but I would never pay $210 for one.

   3. I can’t believe this is happening again.

      //People who lived through the late 80s and early 90s weep quietly. Fashion editors everywhere cackle maniacally.//

      1. Ugh, right? I did try an adorable chambray dress today but double denim?!

   4. I can’t imagine paying hundreds for a jean shirt. You can call it chambray if you want, but it will always be a jean shirt to me. I may pick one up at Old Navy for $20ish, but I can’t imagine paying more for something like this. This trend won’t be very long-lived, I think.

   5. In my high school senior pictures (1995) I am sporting a Levis denim shirt and matching Levis jeans. Now, affectionately known here as the Canadian Tuxedo. I am not going to repeat that look.

2. Oh god, denim on denim. It’s still denim-on-denim, even if you call half of it chambray.

   1. WORD

   2. I have worn denim-on-denim, and been stopped by strangers on the street who said, “That’s a hard look to pull off, but you’re working it.” It’s possible.

   3. Texas Tuxedo?

      1. stampede wear?

      2. Huh, I always heard it referred to as a Canadian tuxedo (most commonly by a mechanic-type who wore denim on denim every.single.day and was able to laugh at his own style).

         Seriously though, what about chambray + colored/printed jeans? I think that minimizes the denim-on-denim faux pas vibe.

         1. This is what I’m wearing today – red pants (not skinny) with a mid blue chambray shirt and zebra print cap toe ballet flats.

            1. Love this!

3. Have any of you ladies been to Portugal? We are going to Portugal for 8 (blissful, child-free) days this summer, and I am trying to figure out (1) how much time to spend in Lisbon; (2) whether to also go to Porto, the Algarve, or both; and (3) whether to rent a car for Algarve if we go there, both to facilitate getting there and for getting around once we are there. I appreciate any thoughts/suggetsions you have, about the above or otherwise about Portugal.

   1. Algarve is beautiful. Check out Lagos and Sagres (the old “end of the world”). Lisbon is too. Renting a car to drive to and around the Algarve is best. There’s a superhighway from Lisbon there. You’ll need to drive stickshift. If you’re Catholic, the holy site at Fatima is fascinating too.

      1. Seconding the recommendation for the Algarve. Take a boat tour to the caves at Sagres.

      2. Actually, to revise, Fatima is interesting even if you’re not Catholic (I’m not) – it’s inspiring to see such devotion. If you are Catholic, it may have even more meaning.

      3. In eight days I’d do Lisbon and pick either Porto or the Algarve–you would waste too much time on traveling if you didn’t. Time-wise, I’d probably plan to split it four in Lisbon, three in the other place. As to which one, it depends on what you like: the Algarve has beaches, while Porto has more culture. And accessibility to things like port wine and winery tours. And nearby beaches. (PS, Did you know that the Lisbon metro area also has beautiful beaches that are easily-accessible by public transportation? My favorites are at Cascais and Estoril.)

         Honestly, if I were you, I’d pick Porto for bang for your buck–it just has a LOT more to offer than the Algarve, which I found overwhelmingly touristy and sleazy, at least in Lagos. The beach was beautiful, but that was it. If you do go to the Algarve, I’d get a car. Public transportation can be patchy down there.

         Someone was asking about Lisbon on a post a few weeks ago. I wrote up a giant post of recs, since I studied abroad there and go back pretty frequently, so I’ll go try and find it.

         1. Wow-this changes everything! If I can get to the beach from Lisbon or Porto then maybe I do not need to go to the Algarve at all. I had no idea there were beaches around the big cities. And that’s also good because I do not drive stick.

            1. Yup, they do! You might need a car to get to the ones near Porto, I honestly don’t know since I haven’t been personally. But the ones in Lisbon are easy peasy and gorgeous. You just take the metro to the commuter rail station, hop on a train, ride it down the coast, pass some of Lisbon’s most notable sights in Belem, enjoy other views of the river and sea, and are there in 30-40 minutes.

            2. One question: Is Cascais a city in the Estoril region, or are Cascais and Estoril two different cities? It’s a little hard to tell from my Internet research and I do not have a guide book yet . . . I would like to plan to spend a whole day at either of those.

            3. They’re two different suburbs, so they’re technically different places, but only in the way that, say Arlington is different from Ballston in Northern Virginia. They’re contiguous, and you can easily walk between them on the beach (or the street, I guess, but why do that when there’s a beach). Cascais seems to have more restaurants and shops, so for a full day base, it would be my pick.

   2. I haven’t been to the Algarve but really enjoyed Porto. If you like Port, plan to spend a day in Vila Nova da Gaia where most of the port houses have tasting rooms (the actual vineyards are a 2 hour drive inland). Many of them also give guided tours and will explain the history and production of port. I also recommend having lunch at Taylor Fladgate’s room. It’s been quite a while since I was there but I remember the food being very good and reasonably priced. The Instituto do Vinho do Porto (IVP) also has a very nice tasting room in Porto.

      Lisbon is also a great city but very easy to get turned around, so plan a little extra time to get where you are going. I second the recommendations to take a day trip to Cascais and Estoril. Also check out the lighthouse at Cabo da Roca (which I think is the westernmost point in continental Europe) and, if you enjoy hiking, go to Sintra and walk from the town up to the “ruins” at the top of the hill – which were actually built quite recently and are a bit touristy but have fantastic views.

   3. Yay! I just got back from Portugal! (Thanks for the tips from here, btw) Do a search for the Lisbon threads from two weeks ago. We thought about going to Porto (only had 5 days total) but ended up loving Lisbon so much that we stayed there the whole time. I’m not the expert to give recommendations, but just wanted to say that the people there are the friendliest people in Europe. Seriously, I was so shocked since I’ve had very unfriendly experiences in Madrid. Also, if you have several people in your group, taxis are super cheap in Lisbon and definitely worth it.

      Enjoy! We can’t wait to go back and do Porto.

      1. Glad to hear you had such a great time. I’m headed there in June. Could you let me know if most places (such as dining establishments) except US credit cards? Also, do the locals generally have some working knowledge of the English language?

         1. Almost all stores in Lisbon will accept US credit cards, and most restaurants should as well. However, I’d keep some cash on hand just in case–sometimes European card readers have trouble with US cards.

            In tourist areas, most people will at least understand English. Personally, I thought the level of English in Lisbon (and the Algarve, where it seemed like everything was set up to cater to British vacationers, but that’s a whole different story), especially among younger people, was quite high.

            1. Regarding the card reader issues, some US banks will give you a card with a chip in it if you explain you’re going to Europe…otherwise, the cards that only swipe/sign work in most readers.

      2. So glad you enjoyed your trip!! Lisbon is so great, and the vast majority of people there are so, so kind and welcoming.

4. I’m hoping people have advice or can share their experiences with this. My husband and I both have pretty intense jobs and are expecting our first baby. We both feel really strongly that we both want to keep our jobs after baby comes. We’re willing to be flexible and I’m lucky that he is a great partner that has shown he’ll be 100% present as a parent. Our number one concern has been what kind of childcare we’ll have that will keep us from worrying about the baby while we’re gone during the day.

   Fastforward and my parents (who live down the street from us) have excitedly offered to be our childcare. We live about a 5 minute drive from each other and my husband and I both have a great relationship with them. My mom was an incredibly involved stay at home mom with us, and my dad loves kids and is wonderful with them. They are both young (early 50’s) with a ton of energy and plenty of time to fill (dad just recently retired). They are so reliable, we trust them completely, and this was a huge weight off our shoulders. This sounds like it could be the perfect arrangement.

   But, I don’t want it to be too much for them or ask too much of them. DH and I could easily afford fulltime childcare and want to make it clear to my parents that while we would love them to watch our kids, we’d also be happy to have a nanny a couple of days a week. I was thinking of hiring someone can help us with a little bit of everything (ex: cleaning during the afternoon while my mom is watching baby, but being able to take her from 5-7pm if my mom gets tired).

   Any advice for how to handle an arrangement like this? Any good or bad experiences with something similar? Anything we should be considering or deal with before baby comes?

   1. I think you’re very fortunate to have this arrangement. One of my neighbours does this, and it’s worked wonderfully for years. She sometimes talks about how maybe at some point her in-laws won’t do it anymore, but they still are right now and her kids are 7 and 9 maybe? One thing I remember her saying is that she encourages her in-laws to carry on with their own lives while they’re there watching the kids, like the grandmother will bring an exercise DVD to do when the kids are occupied or whatever. Other than that, I don’t have much to offer besides lucky you?

      I use daycare centres, but when my husband travels I get my parents to pick my kids up at the end of the day so that I don’t have to leave my work early. I always feel a little like I’m imposing, but they genuinely seem to like it.

      1. I agree! Go for it! You are VERY lucky. Yay! Open thread’s! I love Open thread’s! And It’s Friday, so I can FINALELLY leave Rosa’s house!

         We do NOT live to close to Mom and Dad –I live in NYC and my sister in Chappaquea, and mom and dad on Long ISLAND, so we have to go far to see each OTHER. But when I have a baby, I hope dad will not be moveing to Duke to teach. I want them nearby, and the ONLEY one nearby is GRANDMA Leyeh, and she is NOT young enough to handel a baby full time, and I would NOT bring a baby to the BRONX — FOOEY!

         So I will have a full time girl live with me, even tho I will be MARRIED–I will still be workeing either as a PARTNER at my firm (YAY!) or as a JUDGE, or as a LAW school PROFESSER, teacheing alot of law to NEW law student’s who can benefit from MY experience! Yay!

         Robert keep’s texteing me picture’s of him — the latest is him rideing on a tractor or mabye some kind of big lawn mower or mabye a snow blower. Whatever. I think he think’s he is some kind of COWBOY up on that thing, but I do NOT think he even know’s how to turn it on. He does NOT have a car, so I can NOT rely on him to take me any where, and I am NOT goieing to ride on a tractor that belong’s to NY City Park’s Department. FOOEY!

         Where is a HEGE FUND guy like that bald guy who just gave $100 million to Central Park? That is a sucesful guy who should MARRY ME. I could make him (and ME) very happy! YAY!

   2. That’s great!!!

      My parents watch our kids, and it’s fantastic on so many levels. Convenient for us, definitely, but I also love that my kids have such a close relationship with their grandparents. I also worry constantly that it’s a burden for them, but they tell me they love it. They do take ‘vacations’ from time to time, but are always anxious to return. We direct them less than we would a nanny, honesty. They mostly follow our home rules (we’re like-minded), but I know they are not as strict and splurge more on fast food and the like. It frustrates me at times to not feel comfortable pushing back on family providing free care, but overall I’m happy so I move on.

      Stay in communication with them about the load. If you and your husband are going to be out for 10-12 hour days, I do really like the idea of having someone ease the burden for them in the evenings or two days out of the week. Nine hours is tiring for anyone, although having two care providers (your mom and dad) eases the burden. You’ll also probably want some sort of back-up care for when your parents are sick or otherwise unable to watch your child. But ultimately, the most important thing is that they know they can tell you if it’s too much.

      You didn’t specifically ask, but here’s our specific arrangement: My parents prefer not to be ‘paid’, although give them $100/mo for activities, food out, etc. We also provide all the necessary gear, such as a carseat for their car. We provide their lunch and dinner; sometimes they stay for dinner, sometimes not. My mom volunteers to prep dinner for us if it’s something simple and familiar. They do not do laundry or cleaning, which I think most nanny’s do.

      If you do pay, they are eligible for the childcare payment accounts… whatever they are called.

   3. One thing to consider is that you need reliable childcare that will be available all day and every day you need it. Are your parents sure they don’t want to do any travel or volunteering (or even lunch with friends)?

   4. This is almost my situation exactly. We’re also very lucky that my parents live close by and my mom watches our son two days a week. I was very up front with her that I didn’t want to be an unnecessary burden and let her determine how many days a week she would watch him, and what days those would be. She started out doing three, but quickly realized she was just too exhausted to do three days a week every week.

      I think communication is key here. Plan out first if your parents/mom will do all 5 days or only some. My mom does Tuesdays and Wednesdays because that gives her flexibility to travel and see my other siblings on the weekends. We then looked for other child-care for the remaining days.

      We don’t pay my parents (they refused to accept it), but we did buy their car seat, send food over each day with the baby, and after a particularly horrible stretch where my mom was literally my savior regarding childcare, I sent a huge flower arrangement. We also take them to dinner to thank them and just do what we can to express our gratitude. We also see eye to eye on discipline and parenting styles, so we haven’t had as much of a problem.

      Good luck to you! I hope it works out well. I cannot express how much easier life is with two spouses with demanding jobs when you have a support network that you can rely on.

   5. sounds like a great arrangement that you’re lucky to have. If it was me, though, I would get an au pair (assuming you can afford it both financially and space-wise). Au pairs don’t work well for high powered two career couples with the 45 hour a week work limitation, but they can work splendidly as an alternative/backup for this arrangement – your parents could do like the afternoon or morning or certain days of the week, the au pair could do the rest plus allow you guys to get out to dinner or a movie once in a while. And the au pair would be available to cover if your parents are ill, or traveling. And au pairs are very flexible compared to day care centers or even local nannies, who might be reliant on more steady/regular hours.

      1. Agreed. Our au pair is awesome now that our kids are in school, but until our kids were school age, we had a nanny. I would have loved to have my parents close by…..

      2. I thought that an au pair was a fancy word for a nanny. What’s the difference?

         1. An au pair is actually much more like an exchange program where you have a young woman or man that comes for one year, or two, on an education visa from another country. Their hours are limited based upon their program and they have to take a class to be compliant with their visa. Their pay is based upon a calculation that includes room and board, but is currently around $198 per week, with program fees for most being around $6000 (includes airfare to and from their home country). YOu have much more flexibility with an au pair (eg.. ours has roughly the same schedule every week, but if I have meetings on the weekend etc… I just put it in her calendar. Rules are no more than 45 hours a week/10 hours a day, must have one full weekend off a month and 1.5 days off a week.

   6. As someone with an unexpected #3 on the way (looking at paying nearly half of my take-home pay in childcare costs), I say lucky you! Some grandparents respond well to watching grandkids all the time….others I know resent it and wish they could “just be grandma.” If I were you I would take my parents up on the offer, but have a backup in place for late nights or if your parents want to change to part-time a few weeks/months into the arrangement. My mom is in her late 40’s and has a lot of energy, but still gets wore out after keeping the kids several days in a row.

   7. Lucky you! I would never, ever, in a million years be OK with that arrangement on either side of the family. But that has much more to do with our own family dynamics.

      What may be relevant to consider, not at all deal-breakers:
      – how will you handle if/when your parents aren’t obeying your wishes on child rearing
      – are you OK “firing” them?
      – how will you help them from feeling taken advantage of (sounds great for now- however- you never know what the next few years will bring)
      – could you/would you want to do daycare or a nanny/sitter 1-2x per week to give your parents some time off? Then you could have emergency backup if your parents want or need time off.

      Just my $.02. My mom offered to move in (if we built/bought an inlaw suit) and we nipped that in the bud. We like her just fine 3 states away.

      1. Great things to think about, thank you!

         My parents seem on board with everything that we’ve discussed about how we want to raise the baby (obviously all theoretical right now). My mom had to fight with her dad to get him to respect the way she did things with her kids (as in, “no dad, we don’t give the kids brandy to go to bed these days”) so I know she’d be very receptive to the fact that things are changed. They’re cute and have both been reading new baby books now that they know we’re expecting.

         I would definitely be getting someone to help in the evening, and maybe one day a week. I was thinking wednesdays would be a good day for help, because it breaks up a five day stretch into two two day chunks for them. And of course, if they want to, they can still have sitter and baby come over on that day.

         I’m hoping they’ll be vocal enough that if they do feel taken advantage of, they’ll let me know. My maternity leave is going to be 4 months, so hopefully some of it will work itself out during that time!

   8. You are so lucky! My grandparents took care of me throughout childhood and before/after school until I was 14. They carried on with their lives and just took me everywhere. Breakfast at Dennys with their siblings, fishing, bingo hall, race track, shopping, walks in the woods, watching soap operas, whatever! I got to spend so much quality time with them and they taught me so much. They were the ones to teach me how to tie my shoes, practiced multiplication tables with me, and showed me how to play poker. My mom paid them at first but then they refused to take the money. I would just ask them if they want to do it 5 days a week or if you should get a part-time babysitter. Let them control how much they watch the kids and make it clear that you can find other childcare arrangements. It will be amazing to watch that bond between grandparents and your children. It really is something priceless that I’m so glad I had in my childhood.

      1. Amen. We lived with my grandparents when I was 4-7 years old and I am so thankful. My grandpa was a gruff old bear, but he’d still (try to) sing “rockaby baby” when he put me to bed on choir nights when my mom and grandma were out. (I got a book and a song every night from my mom. Grandpa had to do the same. Also, my grandpa was crazy about me.) I had such a close relationship with them my whole life. I miss them terribly now, but I feel so lucky to have had so much time with them.

      2. Another voice from the kid side of things (though I also come from a culture where this is very common, and my grandfather died when my mom was just out of college, so my mom’s mom had been living/rotating among her kids for years even before my parents got married) that this is a wonderful, wonderful thing for the children involved.

         My paternal grandmother watched me full time, for the first year of my life and then would rotate with my maternal grandmother for long stretches (my parents also had an au pair to fill in the gaps) as primary childcare. I was able to develop such a close relationship with both my grandmothers and I am so, so thankful that my parents provided that opportunity. I think I’ve said it elsewhere on This Site, but arrangements like these are often hugely beneficial for the grandparents and kids, while the parents bear the brunt of any “inconvenience” — but I’m so happy that my parents were willing to do that. It really helped me develop close relationships with my grandparents that went beyond seeing them at holidays/just to be spoiled by them.

      3. Same here from the kid side. My mom was high powered career woman and also a single mom (divorce) so I spent loads of time with my patient, kind, nurturing grandmother, who never tired of listening, reading stories, baking with us and playing card games. She wasn’t the alternative to daycare, but she often picked me up from daycare and when I started school I would spend a lot of time after school at her place. I feel so fortunate to have had that time now that she is gone.

      4. I lived with my grandma from newborn to 4 and she would watch us anytime my parents would let her. As all the others have stated, a very close relationship developed. In middle school, I saw her every Wednesday after school and in high school, I would go see her almost every day after school and still talk to her almost every week now that I live on the other side of the US from her.

   9. Hi. Just want to throw my two cents in here. My friend and I had babies at almost exactly the same time one year ago. We chose immediately to put our child in daycare, as we didn’t have any family close, liked the idea of our child interacting with other children on a daily basis, and we were both “daycare” babies and think we turned out fine.
      My friend had her mother in law watch their baby. She offered, the idea sounded great (baby being raised by someone you trust and love) and they were thinking “we’re going to save so much money!” Fast forward 6 months and all hell broke loose. The mother refused to follow any rules they laid down (nap times, eating times, foods that were acceptable, no TV, etc) and then randomly started taking “sick” days, because she and her husband had stuff to do. Note that before this, my friend, her husband, and the mother all had a great relationship and no issues to speak of.
      I completely agree with “another mama” on setting ground rules and having a very real discussion about is she sure this is what she wants to do. One of the great things about being a grandparent is taking the child and spoiling them and handing them back.

   10. I had a similar arrangement. My inlaws watched my kid all day but I hired a nanny who would be in a few hours of the day, supervised by them. That way, they could get her to do stuff they didn’t want to (e.g. wash bottles, chop/steam veggies or fold baby laundry) while they would supervise other stuff she did with my kid (don’t heat the food too much, you haven’t changed his diaper in a while) and they got a bit of a break too.

       My nanny came from about 11-3 (I increased/decreased her hours later; she was a student part-time) and that way they got to have lunch and take a nap at midday so they got a bit of a break. My MIL would be refreshed after a nap and would watch him very lovingly from 3 to 6 when I got home. Everybody needs a break. Watching a baby 9-6 without a break is hard (yes, they nap but not for long enough!).

       It was a great arrangement because I had a hard time trusting my nanny at first (with reason; she didn’t show the best judgment in some decisions) and they provided a check. Worked very, very well for me, partly because my inlaws were great about doing things the way I wanted them done.

   11. I would also suggest having a nanny for a shorter period of time every day (to relieve your parents) rather than full-day for a couple of days a week. Kids like routine so having the same routine day after day is easier on them, and easier on you as well (packing lunch one day and not the next, etc.)

   12. Your idea of flexible help is a good one – perhaps include cleaning at your parents as a task too, to lighten the load on your parents while they look after the baby.

       No kids myself and from a different part of the world, but your arrangement is very very common here in Asia. The trick does seem to be to reduce the cleaning/ cooking/ bottles/ diapers duties as much as possible for the grandparents, so that the actual baby-sitting is all they do.

   13. I just wanted to add that if you feel the need to have a backup, which I strongly suggest, it would be a good idea to start exploring options as soon as possible. I do not have children, but my sister went on a daycare wait list when she was 3 months pregnant. My nephew is just getting into the “good” one in September when he will be a year old.

5. Anyone have thoughts on a useful gift for someone graduating from medical school? A good friend is finishing her MD, and I’d like to get her something meaningful yet useful for once she begins her residency (in pediatrics, if that makes a difference). We had a great thread a while back about graduation gifts in general, but I think a business card holder, folio, or artistic print of her new alma mater will go mostly unused as she prepares to spend 20 hour days on call.

   1. There is a Tiffany pen with a caduceus (though realistically, it will probably go missing like all pens) that is a nice sentimental gift.

      1. No, she won’t use it. Almost everything is electronic in the hospital now.

   2. I vaguely remember a friend of a friend got her DH a stethoscope for graduation. I guess it’s really nice to have your own??

      1. My husband is a nurse and loved the really nice stethoscope he got from his sister for graduation.

      2. No, she probably already has one.

   3. Depending on what type of residency she’s doing (internal medicine pediatrics?) – she might want something for her office or whatever that would be kid friendly – or something fun to hang off her stethoscope to make it less scary to kids. Some pediatricians have a few fun things like that.

      If she’s doing a hospital residency (surgical or otherwise) – maybe you could get her an organized list of all the local take out places with a gift card to grub hub or something? Sounds depressing but…they never.leave.the.hospital. At least, that’s what I’ve observed.

   4. A Keurig and a travel mug

      1. This. She’ll use it every single day.

         Or a gift certificate to a maid’s service. The first thing that goes during residency is keeping any semblance of a clean apartment.

         Wouldn’t buy her anything expensive like a pricey pen or a nice bag. She will lose it or it will get stolen in the hospital – remember, she wont have an office or any safe place to keep her stuff during residency. Wouldn’t buy her a stethescope, as she probably has one and/or knows exactly the kind that she would want.

         It’s a big accomplishment. Congrats to her. But life is much easier now. She will sleep a lot more, but will need to study a lot. They have reduced the number of hours she will be allowed to work dramatically, so she will need to study on her own to make up for it.

   5. Since I’m a resident (surgical, not pediatric, but still)- thought i’d offer my 2 cents.

      At most hospitals resident don’t have their own offices and just share a residents room so things that have to dwell in one place aren’t ideal. Fancy pens are something I love but never buy because you are always roaming the wards and working 30+ hour shifts without sleep so they all inevitably get misplaced, no matter how much you love them. They might be good for the more stationary specialties (anaesthesia, family med) but for a more ward-based specialty- I, at least, would be afraid to take it to work!

      Most people have bought a decent quality stethoscope by the time they start residency as you need it during medical school and for the licensing exam. If she was going into cardiology maybe a fancy one would make a difference, but for general peds she probably already has something functional.

      My suggestions:
      1. A nice work bag would be a good gift (you are always lugging things to and around the hospital) and its nice to have something that feels good to carry and has a bit of personality. I’ve always had a residents room to leave things in, but its more like a shared space where all the residents in your specialty and location dump their stuff. So I wouldn’t carry something really high end (it might get stolen and people might comment) but a nice leather basic would be nice.
      2. stethoscope charm (as mentioned above)- this is another of those things you tend to put down and misplace around the hospital. I have a cute charm engraved with my name (you could also engrave a phone or pager number) so that it comes back to me when I lose it! If she just got her MD, engraving it with “Dr. X Y” would be a nice recognition of her new rank
      3. food/coffee shop gift certificates as above. If you can identify restaurants that deliver to the hospital (or are located within it) even better
      4. espresso machine. An expensive gift, but someone gave me a nespresso and it was great. It takes about 30 seconds to have a yummy coffee beverage made and in a travel mug and it really improved the quality of my mornings.
      5. wine of the month club. My parents got me this a couple of times in my first 2 years and it was really nice. Residency can be a real grind and it was really nice to have a little reminder of home and my parents love once a month. I never remembered it was coming so it was always a nice surprise. Plus, I always had wine on hand for guests or a relaxing glass at the end of a long day.
      6. Maid service!! I splurged on this for myself my first year of residency and I can’t tell you what a difference it made in my quality of life. Those days when I came home exhausted and stressed and walked into a fresh, clean house and realized the maid had been there while I was gone made me SO happy. I can’t even tell you. Mine only came around every 4-6 weeks and it was still amazing.

      Frugal doc above had a different experience than I am having! I know some American programs have changed substantially, but my first year of residency I was on call every third night (which meant working all day, all night, and then all the next day before going home) and was on call every second weekend (which for a long weekend means up to 96 hours straight on call). Even when I wasn’t on call I easily worked 14 hour days. The hours were MUCH longer than what I put in as a med student and the pressure was much higher.

      1. Ok, I know that you didn’t mean it, but I laughed about Fam Med being a “stationary” specialty. I ran my tuchus off with the best of them during my residency. ;)

         That being said, I agree w your advice—no to stethoscope, yes to Keurig or a reasonably-priced bag. Extra points if the bag has a small pocket for keys and pager. At 0430, it can be hard to find those even if they’re right in front of you.

         1. Similar question, except I am buying for my brother who is going in to his anesthesiology residency. He could care less about a bag and his roommate pays less rent and does the cleaning. Also, he isn’t a coffee drinker. Honestly, I was thinking about Giants memorabilia but I am open to any more pertinent suggestions!

      2. These are wonderful! Thank you so much!

6. Aw, I think the reader mentioned in the post was me! I was on here a while ago raving about my discovery that a denim button-down suddenly makes all my work skirts, even pants, look less stuffy, but still “goes.” FYI mine is from Zara, and it’s thick (unlike most out there) with great stretch. Highly recommend if anyone is looking for something similar–they seem to have an variation on it every season with the same fit.

   1. Thanks for the recommendation – I’ve been looking for a denim shirt for a while. I’ll try to stop into Zara this weekend.

7. Does anyone own a chambray shirt? Can you offer any styling tips? It’s been on trend for a couple seasons now and I’m tempted to buy one (not for $210 though) but I just can’t see how it would fit in with my wardrobe.

   1. Ugh, don’t do it. Chambray is my fashion nemesis. I see it on fashion bloggers that I normally enjoy, and then they bust out the chambray shirt and I lose all my fond feelings for them. Don’t give in. Saying something is on-trend suggests to me that “we know it’s ugly and unflattering, but we need to sell some new stuff.”

      1. Agreed. I think I mostly don’t like the color because it brings to mind jeans that are a little too faded and baggy to be flattering. It’s like the shirt equivalent of mom jeans.

         1. Denim shirts are what they put controversial politicians in to make they seem more earthy and likable. Just say no, unless it’s Stampede Week or your PR team is in damage control mode.

   2. I was looking through the blog “Outfit Posts” and I think she had some examples of a chambray shirt. I’ll post a link in a follow up comment.

      1. Link…

         http://outfitposts.blogspot.com/2013/02/outfit-post-chambray-shirt-black-skinny.html

         1. Long denim shirt with black stirrup pants was my weekend uniform through most of the late 80’s/ early 90’s, I’m afraid this look is just too similar, brings back stirrup pant nightmares.

            1. Ah, the late 80’s/early 90s. Denim shirts, khaki pants, Franklin Covey planners. Bonus points if your denim shirt is embroidered with your name and the logo of your newly purchased franchise…

            2. Or Looney Toons characters.

            3. @kanye east I’m somewhat embarrassed to think about how much of my early high school wardrobe came from the WB store. Yikes.

            4. @MB oh go on with your bad Marvin the Martian self.

            5. I had a big long men’s chambray shirt with a corduroy collar (from Abercrombie & Fitch before it became so… whatever) back in the early 90s. I think I wore it with brown corduroy leggings and boots. I wonder if that shirt is still in the back of my closet?

            6. *Raises hand.* Tweety bird.

            7. *raises hand too* tweey bird. but that was more late elementary school for me, so i can pass off some of the blame on my parents for buying me those clothes!

            8. THE WB STORE FTW.

               I’m saying – loved me some looney tunes sweatshirts. No shame.

            9. Oh my god, so many memories flooded my mind right now!
               I think I repressed all of that. We had a whole big trend in my junior high school for wearing anything and everything with cartoon characters. I had a baggy, denim button down shirt with ALL of the WB characters embroidered in a straight line, posse style, across the back. I thought it was the coolest. And, I wore it with jeans and a body suit. I am horrified just thinking about it (and I still totally want a denim shirt to wear with black pants, I will not learn).

            10. This is my weekend uniform – don’t hate! I love me a chambray shirt and black leggings.

   3. I own one from Madewell and I love it. Its probably the most worn item in my wardrobe. I wear it under crew neck sweaters with just the collar showing, I wear it with boyfriend cardigans unbuttoned with long necklaces, I wear it with patterned bottoms that nothing else will match, I wear it with white denim and booties for a slightly western look. I wear it tucked into wool or silk skirts.

      Personally, I don’t mind denim on denim, so I will wear it with denim bottoms (such as with a boyfriend cardigan and long necklaces). I make sure the denims don’t match so it doesn’t look like a suit.

      1. I think my shirt is more of a true denim shirt. Its thick like denim. I tend to think of chambray as lighter in both color and weight.

         I think one of the reasons I like it so much is that I think denim compliments everything. I love the way so many things look with blue jeans. So, it seems natural that if I like a sweater paired with blue jeans, I will like a denim shirt under a sweater. I know style is highly personal, and many people don’t like the look, but I’ve always been a “pair blue jeans with everything” girl, so I like it.

   4. Extra petite had a post sometime in the past. She styled hers under a sweater.

   5. Just bought 2 different ones from Old Navy last week. Cheap and they look great.

   6. I have one from Target with little white polka dots that I bought on a whim and it’s become one of my favorite tops! I typically semi-tuck it in in the front and wear it with colored jeans, non-denim pants, or shorts, plus a fun belt. I think it’s great for casual warm-weather outfits – as someone who lives in a hot climate but freezes with air conditioning I can see it being my “indoor jacket” this summer.

      1. I think I am wearing this exact same item right now… I got it at Target last night for $15 on the sale rack. Mine is not a shirt though – it’s more like an unstructured blazer with no button. The sleeves are ridiculously long, so I have them rolled up. I’m wearing it over a black tank with skinny maroon/red pants and cream and black cap toe flats.

         1. Mine is a full on button down shirt of super soft denim though not as thin as some chambray shirts I’ve seen. I probably could have gotten a size smaller (if I could find it) but I kind of like the oversized vibe. Also always wear it with sleeves rolled up. I love places like Target for these kind of trendy items where I don’t have to commit a lot of money to it, and I’m more pleasantly surprised when it turns out to be a favorite.

   7. I have a chambray shirt (J. Crew) and wear it every single weekend – and many Fridays – it has become a staple. I wear it with:

      – tucked into a pretty skirt (pencil or A-line) – goes especially well with patterns or bright colours (I wore it this way about 3 days of the week that I was in Hawaii in January)
      – over dark skinny jeans
      – under a V-neck sweater or casual blazer, with basically whatever bottoms I want
      – in the summer, knotted over a sleeveless dress or tank top as a light cover-up to avoid burning

      1. I forgot to mention under blazers. It really does go with everything.

         I love the idea of it as a beach cover up. I’m picturing a bright green bathing suit (have) with denim shirt open and sandals. Love it!

   8. I’d think it would be cute with like, a corduroy blazer and a flared skirt. Or a colorful pencil skirt and metallic heels or flats. Something like that. Or maybe those cigarette pants in black that have been so popular recently with brightly colored flats.

      That would be how I’d wear it for casual wear anyway. Not sure about work – *maybe* under a sweater or under a blazer in a more casual office, but I’m not sure.

   9. Mine gets a lot of use too and I frequently wear it with jeggings. I think denim on denim looks fine so long as the denims are different shades. I usually add in a bright tank and ballet flats.

   10. I wore mine to work today under a dark blue cashmere v-neck with brown skinny pants (not j-crew Minnies, but same idea) and silver flats and silver jewelry.

       Mine is from Old Navy and is a bit thick / bulky. anyone have a recommendation for an inexpensive chambray ($40ish) that’s a bit thinner / more flexible?

   11. Mine is a weekend staple ($20 Old Navy shirt – cost per wear at this point is probably something like 3 cents). I mostly like it with coloured or black skinny pants or jeans, boots and a scarf for the winter, or with a long boyfriend cardigan over top (push up the cardigan sleeves and roll the chambray shirt sleeves over those) and leggings and it looks amazing with white or coloured shorts in the summer (for those warm but not super hot days). I always roll the sleeves on mine.

8. DC/MD ladies: I want to go suit shopping at Macy’s (I have some credit to use up and need some standard suits) and am thinking either Montgomery Mall in Bethesda or the mall in Columbia. Can anyone comment on the suit departments at either (or both) of these stores? Thanks!

   1. Macys in Montgomery mall always seems a little disorganized to me, but I usually am looking at their dress department. Not sure about Columbia mall…

   2. The Columbia mall has a good suit section. I think overall the stores in general there have larger selection. Haven’t been to Montgomery mall. For something closer how about Pentagon City?

   3. Thanks, Kerrycontrary and M! I ended up going to Columbia mall so I could return something to LLBean, and the Macy’s suit selection was pretty good, although they were out of a couple of sizes I would have liked to try. I thought Lord and Taylor might have a lot of the same items, but that had about 2 racks of suits, so no luck there. Pentagon City is kind of a PITA for me–I wanted to drive, and would rather go north than have to get to NoVa.

9. MIL/DH help needed-

   MIL isn’t great with boundaries, and DH isn’t great about setting them. She was a single mom and treats DH as a partner more than a child and relies on him for more than she should. DH feels bad and guilty whenever a boundary needs to be set because “she has nobody but her kids” and “she gave up so much for her kids.” The issue has been mostly avoided between DH and I because distance from MIL made it (mostly) a non-issue and the boundaries that were important to me did eventually get set by DH after much talk about them.

   MIL is at the age where some of her friends are starting to talk about retirement homes and other plans. MIL has been dropping some not so subtle hints about how she thinks she’s getting too old to live alone but doesn’t want to be in a retirement community… how perfect would it be to live with family! I am so so so firmly against her coming to live with us. I’d be open to her living in a retirement community closer to us so that we can have some visits on weekends or something, but I need a space for just me and my family. I don’t even really want to give it a try because every decision and any action on her part is a giant production that requires a long lead time. Once she’s in, it would be a huge thing to get her into a different living situation.

   How do we politely shut this down? DH feels bad about it, but sees my point about why it wont work. How do we make it clear to her that this isn’t an option? I have no idea what this conversation should look like.

   1. Definitely don’t give it a try to see how it goes. I think DH needs to bite the bullet and take the lead on talking to his mom.

      It may be difficult for DH, but he will have to be honest with her and say it would be in the best interest for both of you for her to be in a retirement center.

      At the center she could have people around during the day to make friends, do activities, etc. Point out that if she stays with you, she would be alone while you’re at work, etc.

      Maybe send her some info about the retirement centers in the area so she can see the positive aspects of living there.

   2. I think it’s great that you’re open to her living nearby. If/when she gets serious, I think you could always say things like “there’s a great market for condos in our area now!” or “I was just talking with someone who’s mother loves this retirement community near us!” Keeping it upbeat but out of your house could work.

      If a line needs to be drawn, your husband *must* be the one to do that. Hopefully it won’t come to it! I’d have him focus on the practical and benefits for her: Space limitations, advantages of her own space, etc.

   3. My husband’s grandmother (MIL’s mother) lived with them growing up. There were definitely pluses: grandma was after-school care, etc. And they did do things like renovate their garage into a separate apartment for grandma so there was some (but not a lot of) distance. But in my eyes, there were a LOT of downsides:

      1) MIL and FIL only had a few years of living by themselves because they were living with her mom again;

      2) that inevitable parent-child dynamic returned (GMIL and MIL know exactly how to push each other’s buttons) and FIL sort of had that caught-in-between struggle where he would obviously side with his wife, but also had to be polite to GMIL (and is of course also innately polite). MIL has all sorts of stress/anxiety issues, and I think this exacerbated them;

      3) There was very little help from MIL’s sister (who lives very nearby). She basically would only help if asked, leading to resentment from MIL. Also, it made GMIL very clingy with MIL – so she was less inclined to rely on others;

      4) GMIL was very independent when she was younger, but as she got older and less physically capable (plus her friends starting passing), she became increasingly physically and emotionally dependent on MIL but also was very resistant to receiving help. As a bystander, this was a nightmare to watch – she clearly couldn’t take care of herself anymore, and would get snippy with MIL for trying to help her;

      5) MIL and FIL finally had to put GMIL in a nursing home. There were too many health scares and they couldn’t take care of her anymore. This has also been a nightmare – she refuses to accept that she can’t go “home” and has taken to lashing out at MIL, FIL, and MIL’s sister.

      So, for my two cents – don’t do it, and have your MIL find a 55+ housing development nearby. As for how the conversation goes, you and DH need to be 100% together on this. You have to be a united front – and not just on the answer, but the reasons too. DH will feel bad about telling his mom no (and he should be the one to do it – if it’s face-to-face and you’re there, he should still take the lead), but I think it’s also important that he agree that it’s a bad idea so that he doesn’t waiver.

      I think the conversation would probably go along the lines of: Mom, we’ve discussed you moving near to us after you retire. We would love to have you closer to us, and I know you’ve mentioned that you’d like to live with us, but that is not going to work for us. There are a few retirement communities / apartments / whatever close by, so we could still see you regularly, but we just don’t think you moving in with us is feasible.

   4. At the end of the day, she was the one who chose to be codependent and live her life through her children, even though part of the blame does go to society, which pretty much told women of her generation that the only virtuous way to be women and mothers was to martyr themselves for their children.

      Part of the codependency thing is the guilt-trip: because I did X for you, you now owe me Y. The thing is, nobody actually owes them Y. Your husband wrecking his peace of mind and possibly wrecking your marriage by letting his mother encroach on you will do nothing to give your mother-in-law all the years and opportunities she sacrificed in order to be codependent.

      I would gently recommend your husband consider some therapy for dealing with his feelings about his mother. It’s powerful stuff to have hanging over one, so it might be worthwhile to do some work on this subject. She’ll always somehow be in the picture, and the sooner he learns to find his own equilibrium over this stuff, the sooner and better he will be about making decision regarding her arrangements. If he’s vague or drags his feet, he’ll only be leading her. He needs to learn to say No to her, do it firmly, and without apologies.

      (He shouldn’t drag his feet about telling her. He shouldn’t be vague about telling her that she can’t move in with you guys. And he should NOT throw you under the bus by signaling or hinting that he can’t let her move in because you won’t have it. )

      At some point, someone needs to tell people like the MIL that it’s just too f—ing bad that they gave up all this stuff that they probably shouldn’t have. She made poor choices that were against her best interests, but that doesn’t give her the right to try to claw it back out of the lives of her children and their spouses.

      1. ugh. tons of typos there. :-(

      2. This seems a little harsh to me. Or at least lacking empathy. I’m not advocating that OP’s MIL should live with them, but it’s not unreasonable to think that your kids may take care of you in your old age. In many cultures, in most until recently, parents did live out the remainder of their days with their kids. It’s certainly not for everyone (parent or child), and I don’t think it would work for the OP, but I don’t think that a parent who made sacrifices for his or her children needs to be told that “it’s just too f—ing bad that they gave up all this stuff that they probably shouldn’t have.” Anyone who says that just sounds like they grew up to be an a**hole.

         1. Agree 100%, AIMS.

         2. You’re quite a miserable witch, AIMS. Someone opts for a tougher stance and you call them an a-hole. I think you’re the a-hole here. Doldrums is a bit harsh, but at some point, folks who are pushy like that in-law do need to be told what the boundaries are.

   5. I’m not usually one for ultimatums, but I have always told my husband that HE is welcome to live with this mother if she wants to live with family. (Now that we have kids, I emphasize that I will not take the kids with me in that scenario so he and MIL can spend all of their time dealing with the mess and the whining and the toddler-dom.) To quote Liz Lemon, it’s a dealbreaker.

      More seriously, one of the things that has been important in my own marriage has been having the (adult) child deal with his or her own parents on anything that is controversial or difficult.

   6. Find a retirement place near you, let her tour. If you are lucky enough not to have room in the house, you can make it clear. If you are set against it, do not give into a trial period. I can’t imagine anything harder than kicking out a relative.

      Also…I noticed you said ““she has nobody but her kids” and “she gave up so much for her kids.” ” Are there other kids in the picture? Why is DH getting the pressure to move in? In my family, my mother has given me/my siblings this same early-guilt/pressure. I’ve already talked to both my siblings and let them know that mom moving in with me is Not an Option. Turns out my sister would be fine with it, God bless her, and I’ve said that when the time comes, I’m happy to provide financial support as needed-but again, no mom in an in-law suite.

      1. DH has one sibling, a single brother who is very much a bachelor and probably will be forever. He’s very responsible with his job, but he lives in an apartment in a city on the other side of the country with a lifestyle totally not conducive to having mom move in. He’s happy to help contribute financially, but no more.

         The thing that’s hard is that her kids are on opposite sides of the country and our life happens to be the one that’s most settled and looks like “family life” so it falls to DH. I don’t want to seem unsympathetic, but I just don’t think it’ll work. I think sometimes she’s a little jealous of my parents, who live in the same town as us, but the family dynamic of my side is completely different than theirs is. The fact that we’re close to my parents doesn’t mean she should be moving in with us. She treats DH like a child, and I don’t want to be married to or raise my children with a child. Quite frankly, if she moved in I could see it doing irreparable harm to my marriage.

         To further complicate things, it’s not like she could move to condo in the same town. We’re in a suburb of an east coast city that is ridiculously expensive because the public schools are so good, so it’s not really an area that is affordable for her (and she’d be paying crazy high prices for resources she doesn’t need). It would be more like she’s moving to be around a half hour away. Part of me thinks she’d be better off staying with her friends in the midwest and going with a group of friends to a retirement home. Ugh.

         1. One thing to consider in discussions with your husband: if MIL is quickly becoming “too told to live alone,” you are essentially adding the responsibility for her care to your daily routine. Do you have/do you want to have the bandwidth for that? Driving to dr’s appointments, monitoring medication, cooking meals, supervising her interaction around your kids (if you have them). Pretty quickly, she will no longer be able to drive. Then you’re on full on chauffer duty as well.

            Not saying to discuourage, but initialyl read “retirement community” age (ie 60s) vs “retirement home” age (ie “too old/unhealthy to live at home age” ). Caring for an aging parent is a HUGE stressor, both for the home as well as the marriage. That may be enough to help convince DH this is not a good idea- unless he’s planning to do the work.

            Maybe suggest DH and his brother chat about this. Maybe DH’s brother can kick in some supplemental funds to make moving MIL to a retirement home/home for seniors/whatever she needs (don’t know if she needs assisted living yet or just less to care for on her own…). He may–I certainly would if I were the sibling in this case. You can talk to DH about how he’ll be close enough to visit her on weekends/occasionally during the week, take her to key appointments, etc. but not be 100% responsible for her all the time.

            1. My grandma moved into my parents house a few years ago (4 maybe?) and it has been stressful in a way my mom didn’t expect (it’s her mom that moved in). So, I would emphasize the concerns of other posters above. The driving has been a big deal, as well as adjusting to the fact that Grandma is always there. Sometimes my parents try to go on dates, or out to the movies to get some alone time and grandma will be super resentful that she was not invited. The mother child dynamic is also tough and grandma sometimes gets verbally abusive with my mom. Probably the toughest part is that moms siblings are far away or unable to care for grandma, so they visit only once a year or call on the phone. Their relationship with their mom is unchanged, and its all wonderful! And she is so happy to see them! They are the best! Meanwhile my mom gets the crappy end of the stick because their relationship has very very much changed. So definitely discuss all these possibilities with your husband.

               Last thought – I come from a culture where your parents live with you till the end of life, but even with that, I don’t think it could work for me. Maybe if the older folks rotated every couple of months (which sounds cruel, but some of my great aunts do this and seem to love it)

   7. So first, she didn’t “give up so much for her kids” – she parented them because she had them. Simply tell your husband, you do not want his mother, or yours, moving in. (a pre-wedding conversation for sure, other readers). If you really are okay with her being close, then you can put together a list of nearby retirement communities, but I’d let my husband deal with it. Just establish the boundaries with your husband re what is or isn’t acceptable. If you don’t want her at your house everyday, he should know that so they don’t pick the community in walking distance or with the shuttle that will drop her off every day etc….

   8. Something which worked well for me when my husband and I had this discussion was to make the point about the importance of our house as our shared private space – it’s my shelter and retreat, where we can be private together or have people over whenever we like, where the stuff related to our many interests can be piled up without being in someone else’s way, and so on. ‘It is just too hard for me to have a permanent 3rd party move in, so please don’t ask.’

      All your concerns sound sensible but there is no ‘nice’ way to make the points that his mother is an emotional drain, your parents are not and you are unwilling to cope with the many lifestyle changes if she moves in. If you can, try to avoid a situation where your husband believes you are open to being convinced by force of logical argument, emotional appeals or by specific fixes to specific objections (‘ok she understands that she should stay out of our hair after 9 pm’), and just gets frustrated trying to work on you. Instead try to focus on making the alternatives implement-able – perhaps plan A is for her to try out the home where her friends are headed to, plan B to review the homes nearer you, and can you help by accompanying them both to an inspection of the first home ?

   9. Late in the weekend, but I think you hit the nail on the head with your potential solution. Find a retirement community near your home, so that she’s close by so:
      (1) You can deal with any medical emergencies easily if they arise (you might not be at that point, but you probably will be someday)
      (2) You can visit her easily during the week/weekends
      (3) It gives her flexibility to visit you at your home as well
      (4) She will make new friends, and find some other focus in her life

      My grandparents recently moved into an assisted living community that’s smack in the middle of where all of their children live, and it’s been wonderful. It eases the burden of one child acting as caretaker and resenting the others/my grandparents, they have their own space that feels like “their” home, and they can see their kids/grandkids as much or as little as they’d like to. They’ve also made a ton of new friends, which would hopefully take some of the pressure off your DH in terms of being the focus of his mom’s life.

10. Thanks for all the encouragement about my first big speaking engagement! It went of without a hitch and was not too short. I even got a few questions about specific situations afterward.

    Fun anecdote — This morning I was feeling a little nervous, and one of the partners I work with a lot saw me. We had the following conversation.

    Partner: Go get ’em tiger.
    AnonInfinity: Thanks. I think it will be fine as long as I don’t die of nerves.
    Partner: Look at it this way. It’s a beautiful Friday. No one really gives a s—, so it doesn’t really matter what you say if you’re confident.

    I mean, I can’t really argue with that.

    1. haha! Love the advice, glad it went well.

       Unrelated, but it reminds me of the advice an older student gave me when I was intimidated by the group shower in high school: “Don’t worry about anyone looking at you or judging you – they are all too busy worrying that you are looking at them.” Worked.

    2. Love that advice!

    3. Yay! Glad to hear it went well.

11. Hello, all. I have decided that this is the weekend where I will finally tackle cleaning out my closet. Only about 15 or 20% of the clothes in there are wearable for this season and for other reasons and I am tired of having to search for needles in that haystack every day. There has been a lot of discussion here about how to clean out closets. I was wondering if any of you could give me some inspiration- success stories, websites of beautifully organized closets, and tips beyond what we have discussed here and beyond the basics of sorting and grouping light to dark etc.

    1. I found these posts from YLF helpful for closet cleaning.

       http://youlookfab.com/2012/08/06/the-six-piles-of-closet-editing/

       http://youlookfab.com/2012/08/20/from-closet-edit-to-closet-review/

    2. Do it! I did it recently and am so, so, so happy. I posted my approach and tips here, about halfway down the comments: https://corporette.com/2013/03/18/geox-venere-wedge-pump/

    3. This is my weekend project too! Planning to lock the doors, turn the music up, and tackle it one drawer/zone at a time. I suspect strongly that once I’ve purged, I won’t need to do nearly as much reorganization.

    4. Maybe starting with one category at a time, like summer dresses, then browse your dresses and see which one you have not worn for more than a year or it’s looking old … then pick the next dress and keep going. You can apply it to pants, tops, shoes and other pieces you have.

    5. Here’s a really good step by step guide for doing a wardrobe rehab. I’ve actually been meaning to do this myself, but it seems like such an arduous task.
       http://apairandasparediy.com/2011/09/wardrobe-rehab-6-steps-to-your-perfect-closet.html

    6. There was a goop post on this that was strangely practical. I try to hang things back in categories, but instead of just “dresses” I have a section that is “fancy” workwear, normal workwear and then cocktail/special occasion clothing. I put two outliers on the outer edges of the closet and then organize in the same manner for each category (dresses, full suits, suiting separate tops, blouses/tops, that go under them, blouses/tops alone, and then bottoms. This way I mix and match my suiting separates easier and I don’t have to dig through all my tops to find the one sleeveless blouse I want.

       Sounds complicated but I’ve found it helps streamline in the morning. I would think about your style of getting dressed and build out from there.

    7. My closet is still a work in progress but it looks about a million times better. My advice is to prep by getting a large trash bag, a designated Goodwill container, a box for dry cleaning hangers and pace yourself. I know it’s tempting to take everything out of your closet and go through piece-by-piece but it’s exhausting to do that and pretty impractical. I moved about 18 months ago so my first pass-through was “Anything I haven’t worn since I moved is gone”. I donated those clothes the same day and the weekend after I did that, I went through and anything that was too tight got donated.

       If you don’t think you’ll consign your stuff or sell it on eBay, donate it. I had a stack of clothes cluttering up my closet because I intended to consign it but it sat there for months before I finally donated it.

       It was important to me to donate my “don’t wants” the same day that I took them out because I wanted to see my closet get cleaner and neater. I also treated myself to new, matching black velvet hangers after I’d gone through and gotten rid of a bunch of stuff.

       I still need to go through my shoes and scarves/accessories and underwear/camis but I like seeing that I’ve made progress and that I’m getting use out of the things that still live in my closet.

    8. Take everything out and try on everything, getting rid of items that don’t fit. When I purged a couple months ago, I realized I had too many “when I get to goal weight” items. They depressed me every morning and I finally dawned on me that when I do get to that weight, I will want to celebrate by buying pretty new things.

    9. Apparently my comment was eaten…but basically I’ve found it helpful to put stuff away in categories rather than just dresses or tops. I basically sort by really nice work stuff, regular work stuff, and then special occasion. Within each of those I sort by item type (dresses, suits, suiting separates, tops, bottoms) that way I know if I want a really nice suit I go to the left side. Also, splitting up my suiting separates with my tops in between helps me to vary my wardrobe a bit. I also have gotten slightly crazy and organized my tops in order (must be worn under something/not) that way I can grab and go.

    10. I’m impressed that that s a one weekend task…..

    11. You’re probably done :-). But I had a project a couple years back of finding a good organizing book for a friend, and in my surveying accidentally stumbled on one very, very helpful for myself as well. Julie Morgenstern’s “organizing from the inside out”. Advocates first sorting, then purging, then putting back in in functional groups, and working in manageable chunks. Very well thought out, most likely to come up with solutions that work for YOU.

12. I’m trying to start early on thinking about gifts for graduates to whom I’ve been particularly close during their college years. In years past, I’ve gotten Lodis card cases. I’ve been looking at some sale ideas on the Kate Spade site. One of them is male and going to work in a regional theatre. One I don’t know her future plans. The other is a singer who may be starting grad school.

    Any ideas? I don’t want to spend more then $50-$60 per person but I’d like to think more creatively.

    1. Arent you a teacher? Can you give gifts to only certain ones? I may be remember wrong so this may not apply, but I would steer clear of giving certain students gifts even if you are closer to them than others.

       1. It doesn’t really work that way. Besides, they’re graduating and they are small gifts. Not like I’m giving them grades at that point. Often, the students I’ve given gifts to are students I know outside of school (church, singing, etc.).

          1. Were they your students though? Totally understand that it is a small gift but I also don’t think it is a good idea. If you are giving them a gift outside of the school context that is different, but if they are your students I don’t think its a good idea.

             1. Nope, never had them in a class where I gave them a grade. Okay, you all are making me sorry I asked this question. I really wasn’t asking for the ethical aspects of whether or not I should give gifts. Maybe this is a “know your university” thing?

             2. Sorry- didn’t mean to be rude. I am biased I had a teacher who did it and everyone knew it and it always felt icky to be left out in that way. If you don’t teach them, just know them from church and stuff, there isn’t an issue at all.

             3. Even if you had a teacher who did this — some will be left out and that’s just too bad. The teacher might become friends with one or two students each year or now and then, and that’s natural and part of life that people who are in association with each other over a long period of time might connect and become friends. The teacher is not obligated to not make a friendly gesture just to prevent folks from feeling left out.

             4. I see your point but I disagree and agree with the other posters- I don’t think teachers should give gifts to certain students. Just like I don’t think a boss should give gifts to only certain employees even if she is friendlier with some than others. Especially giving the gifts out at graduation where everyone can see that some are favorites and some aren’t. Not a huge deal obviously but I think its a valid point that maybe you should reconsider doing this if your a teacher. But I agree obviously that if you don’t teach them than its a nice gesture.

             5. To explain my situation would be outing myself but there are so many students in the university I could potentially have worked with (hundreds) and there are inevitably students I’ve gotten to know better. Sorry if some people don’t like that. And it’s not really obvious at graduation. It’s in a huge setting and the students come out through the faculty and staff and the ones who know us come over to get a hug of whatever.

          2. I’m faculty too, and when a student I’m close to graduates I take him or her to lunch (a nice lunch). I like it because it saves me agony of thinking of gifts, and it marks the shift in the relationship (you’re more peers now).

             1. I used to do this a lot but, honestly, it’s almost impossible to get graduating seniors to agree to a time and date for lunch while they’re preparing to graduate!

          3. I think this is totally normal (and a nice gesture) in the university context. I got small gifts from professors and administrators I was close with (nice hardcover book of a poet that I liked, pretty coffee mug, etc.) and I know that my parent (university professor) has given gifts to students for whom he was a formal or informal mentor/advisor/shoulder to cry on.

             1. I like the idea of a book. If they’re leaving town, what about a book related to their hobby/profession having to do with the university’s town (like famous singer in NOLA for the singer). I know you give a card as well, but you could also write a short note in the book.

             2. The office I worked in gave all of us student workers a beautiful coffee table book, that related to the work we did. It was thoughtful and appropriate. I loved it and displayed it prominently in all of my US apartments, and will again when I get back. NOLA, like rosie said, could you do books that relate to what they studied, or your university, or your city?

       2. There’s a world of difference between “a teacher” where indeed treating the entire primary school class the same would be more desirable, in part because more visible, and “a professor” as is the case here, where it’s totally expected that some students will develop closer relationships. Let’s not grandstand on other people’s professional ethics without keeping the reality in perspective..

          1. This. It’s totally appropriate in a university context. You expect some students to develop closer relationship with professors than others based on their career goals, research interests.

    2. I think card cases are a great idea. I was thinking you meant one of these: http://www.amazon.com/Lodis-Audrey-Mini-Card-Case/dp/B00290IOKW
       Alternatively, (this might be too cheap) you could do a travel mug or just a regular mug. One of my graduations (high school I think), a friend’s mom gave me a mug that says, “Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined.” and I use it every day.

       1. Yep, the Audrey Mini Card Case is exactly what I’ve gotten. They come in lots of colors on the Lodis website. I like that for grads who will be starting a job, but for others, not sure. I like the idea of the travel mug, though! Could be fun and maybe less personal?

    3. Swiss Army Knives – accepted by all genders, just remind them to take them out of their backpacks at airports. Well, has that changed yet via TSA?

       Lovely booklights that clip onto anything.

       A beautiful book you like…real paper type.

       1. Swiss army knives! Definitely. My grandfather gave me one when I graduated high school and I use it constantly. It was a surprising but practical gift and I always think of him when I use it.

    4. I think a really nice note and maybe something household? I was given a nice set of wine glasses as a graduation present and I loved it. I felt more “adult” having something nice in my otherwise Ikea/Target furnished apartment.

       1. I do personal cards for all of them. I think they’re all leaving town, though, so I’d hesitate on the household stuff. Also, I usually take them in small gift bags to graduation, so nothing big.

    5. I see absolutely nothing wrong with faculty giving graduation gifts to a handful of students. I didn’t think you were asking, but since it’s been brought up, there’s my two cents.

       Ideas, in addition to the personal note:
       Scarf
       Journal
       University memorabilia
       Hammer Screwdriver Combination Tool (http://www.amazon.com/Silk-Flower-Hammer-Screwdriver-Tool/dp/B000FX4VFC, http://www.schoolhouseelectric.com/hammer-screwdriver-combination-tool.html)
       Something related to their field of study, such as a nice bound copy of book by significant author, chemical compound necklace, or witty t-shirt. Sources: Think Geek, CDC gift shop,Snorg Tees, threadless, etsy.

       1. Oh, you know, I love the idea of a scarf for the singer. She’s an opera singer and that would be a good look for her. She’s also moving north after graduation to be with her SO and I know she’s never lived anywhere nearly that far north or that cold. Uncommon goods has some cool ones. I’ll have a look. Thanks!

          1. I think those are great ideas, and I just wanted to chime in that I see NOTHING wrong with this.
             We aren’t talking about GRADE school, these are college students. Even *if* someone felt ‘icky’ because they didn’t get a present…for heaven’s sake, these are adults, not children. Someday, somewhere, people really do have to learn that in the real world everyone doesn’t get a trophy, everyone doesn’t get a ribbon, and guess what? Sometimes people really do like someone else better than you just because. Grow up and deal with it for goodness sake.

             1. Thanks! The thing is, it’s not sometimes even that I ‘like” one student more than another. It’s that certain students have sought me out for my assistance so I’ve gotten to know them a lot better.

             2. Thank you. Completely agree

             3. yes, but some of the people complaining about it just want to see ill will in everything. IIRC, isn’t kiley the one who thought wine & cupcakes was condescending and awful? just don’t listen to people like that.

13. Chambray shirts have become my new weekend wardrobe… chambray shirts from old navy (they have tons right now) with non-denim colored skinny jeans and sneakers or ankle boots. Love.

    1. That sounds cute.

    2. +1

       this is also my go to weekend look too. i will throw on a patterned crew neck sweater or boyfriend cardigan if its really cold

14. To the woman with the first intial J. who was considering a move with her family to Vermont, if you’re out there, how is the move going? I also have some news articles to send your way.

    1. Hey there! Your message came at the perfect time. Just sent you an email.

15. How about colorful denim shorts with Chambray?
    http://www.gap.com/browse/search.do?searchText=shorts
    Or
    Printed Chambray with plain denim short?
    http://www.urbanoutfitters.com/urban/catalog/productdetail.jsp?id=24858391&cm_mmc=SEM-_-Google-_-PLA-_-26438424&device=c&network=g&matchtype=

    Basically you can create a contrast

16. @momentsofabsurdity — I belatedly caught up with your posts earlier this week about your pitching in to handle the childcare for a flaky coworker who said she didn’t trust her ex.

    Are you OK? Is the kid doing well? I hope everything turned out alright. I admit to reading those posts with my heart in my mouth– worried about you all.

    1. The kid is doing well, thanks for asking – her dad didn’t come home (though we’ve video chatted) and the mom found alternate childcare for the weekend so I’m no longer watching her. I haven’t gotten much sleep (been trying to work after the kid goes to sleep but because she’s upset/misses her mom she has wanted to sleep in my bed every night which makes that tough), and am completely exhausted.

       I did hear all the viewpoints that it was Not Okay that she asked me/didn’t have a backup plan, etc. After thinking about it, I still think I would do it again even though it was messy and inconvenient for me. But I will talk to the mom about how to identify appropriate childcare emergency resources and build up her network when she gets back.

       1. Good on you. Sometimes, we get lost in the weeds of what should or shouldn’t be done. At the end of the day, you helped out a friend, and – most importantly – gave a child a safe, secure haven for a while. Given the atmospherics you described, I think that is a true gift.

       2. I missed that days post and just went back to read it. You are an awesome person for helping her out.

       3. Sometimes situations are messy and imperfect because people are messy and imperfect. What matters is that in this messy situation, you were generous and kind. I’m cheering for you.

          1. This times 1000.

       4. I was worried too! That was a pretty amazing thing you did for that family, momentsofabsurdity. I do hope that you’re not put in that position again, for your sake, but am glad that the child had a concerned adult willing to be there for him/her.

       5. I agree w the posters above. *Life* is “messy and imperfect,” but it’s the kindness of friends and the audacious acts of generosity (pointing at you!) that make it tolerable for us all.

          I lost my Mom several months ago. Folks always asked what they could do when she was ill; you just did it and your selflessness is really amazing. I hope that this good karma makes it back to you in a big way one day.

17. Hello All:

    We are traveling to a friend’s wedding in Portland, ME in August. We will have four days after the wedding to travel with our 13 month old. We’d love recommendations for a reasonably priced, family-friendly resort near or on the ocean that would be in that general area. We’d love to stay in Kennebunkport or would go north of Portland (we’ll have a car), but are getting overwhelmed with all the options. Everything seems to be either crazy expensive or looks very old/run-down.

    VRBO is my usual go-to, but I haven’t had much luck there. Any thoughts?

    1. Spruce Point Inn in Boothbay is absolutely gorgeous, not run down at all, and very close to a beautiful village. It may be a bit pricey, but August is prime tourist season in Maine.

       Sebasco Resort is a bit less ritzy (more family reunion than nice weekend away) but may work well for a toddler.

    2. If you want to stay in the Portland area, have you looked at Ogunquit or York Harbor? Those are nice towns and I think they are a bit cheaper than Kennebunkport which has a reputation as being super ritzy. Unfortunately, all of Maine is quite pricey in August. What do you consider crazy expensive? For a resort in a coastal town, I would expect to spend at least $200 a night. If you’re up for more of a drive, you might look at coastal towns about halfway between Portland and Bar Harbor. In my (biased, I got married there) opinion, the Bar Harbor/Acadia National Park region is really worth a visit if you’re going to Maine. It’s about 3 hours north of Portland. Bar Harbor itself is very expensive, especially in August, but if you stayed halfway between Portland and Bar Harbor, it would be considerably cheaper and it would be a much easier day trip to Acadia than coming from Portland. The drive from Portland to Bar Harbor is also very scenic – lots of cute coastal towns and good lobster roll shacks to stop at.
       Enjoy Maine! It’s my favorite place on earth :) The whole state is beyond beautiful and has the best foods – lobster & wild Maine blueberries.

    3. DH and I did a Maine vacation a few years ago and stayed in Old Orchard Beach, just south of Portland. A lot of the hotel/motel/”resorts” were a bit old and run-down, but they were clean and charming and far less expensive than staying farther north. Also, I believe that Old Orchard is the only sand beach in the area, so you can wake up and take a swim before getting in the car to go elsewhere for the day.

       1. I don’t have any good ideas about where to stay (we always rent a house in the Kennebunkport area, but they are almost all booked at this point in the year) but I just have to correct that there are definitely more sand beaches in the area than Old Orchard. Fortune’s Rocks and Hills Beach are ones we have stayed at in the past. There are probably others.

          I totally agree with the recommendations to head north towards Acadia as well though. Absolutely gorgeous.

18. advice needed –
    DH is a first year at a biglaw firm in DC. i work for a gov agency, but have learned so much about firm life from this site, and always appreciate the insight. he seems to have multiple different partners (all in different timezones) giving him assignments with immediate deadlines. is that normal? i would think that the partners would all be in some contact with each other and know what the associates have on their plates. so, DH has been working past 1am pretty much every night for the last month and has had a couple of all-nighters. he and his peers are billing about 300 hours a month. while, of course we are thankful that he is employed and busy, he is also nearing burnout and no one seems to care.at.all. sorry for the rambling, just not sure if this is normal. any advice?

    1. *bitter laughter* i am sorry to tell you that this is absolutely completely normal. standard, even.

       1. Yep, that’s why BigLaw pays the big bucks. Heck, MidLaw even expected this of me, for MUCH less money, until I pushed back.

          Which is why I am now in-house – where when other lawyers need my help, they first ask if I have the bandwidth to do it, and are sincere! Sorry, I’m still new to not-law-firm so I can’t help shouting it from the rooftops every 5 seconds.

    2. sorry, this can definitely be normal. the partners don’t care if other partners have assignments for you; they care about their assignment needing to get done. in some firms, there is a coordinating “assignment partner” that is supposed to channel all requests, but in reality, people who you’ve been working with simply reach out to you directly. and if everyone is in kind of the same boat, he’s not going to get much sympathy from that assignment partner anyway.

    3. Yep, sorry!

    4. It’s honestly refreshing to hear someone ask if this is normal! Is it very common at big law firms? yes. Is it “normal” in the sense of like “acceptable”? no. But we all deal with it from time to time.

       Billing 300 hours a month for months on end is unusual though — at least for me. Usually I’ve got a couple months like that then a couple months that are slower etc. — it moves in cycles.

       I can at least say that at my firm it gets better in terms of the “immediate deadlines” part. I have billed more hours each year but generally am in charge of bigger, longer term projects, where I have at least some control over the schedule.

       Basically being a lawyer is the pits.

    5. This is exactly my life for the past four years. including a partner in London, where when that work is hot I have an alarm set at 4am to get my work from him and see if it has to be done immediately, and then sometimes getting a couple of blissful hours of sleep after i check my email if i can do it later in the day. DH will get used to it.

    6. Unfortunately I think that can be normal depending on the firm. My firm isn’t like that so I don’t have much advice but the one thing I will say is that make sure your DH knows how to push back/say no to accepting new assignments when he’s at his limit. It’s very important to set SOME boundaries, and while they won’t always be respected in this type of environment, he is the only advocate for himself. I frequently get, “can you help on…” emails and sometimes I have to say “no, I’m unfortunately booked right now, is there someone else who can assist?” Be polite with the push back, but still push back. Again, he is the only advocate for himself in this world. Good luck.

       1. Follow this advice at your peril…. especially if everyone else is at the same pace…

       2. http://lifeinbiglaw.tumblr.com/post/47100086613/im-going-to-tell-the-partner-that-im-overworked

    7. The key to your question is that his peers are in a similar situation. Usually, the situation can only be remedied if others are sitting idly by while one person is getting slammed. Good luck to him.

    8. Unfortunately that’s pretty normal. Hopefully this glut of work means he’ll get a couple easy weeks later in the year. Summer can often be a bit more dead for anything but litigation-related areas.

    9. In case anyone didn’t see this earlier in the week: http://www.abajournal.com/news/article/why_a_career_website_deems_associate_attorney_the_unhappiest_job_in_america/

    10. I agree it is the norm for partners to not check with other partners before assigning work but I disagree with others that regularly billing 300 hours is normal (that’s 3600 hours a year, more than half again as much the billable hour requirement at most firms). I agree with Lola that you have to push back a little bit. People say you can never turn down work, but that’s not really true. Obviously there are only 24 hours in a day and you have to sleep at some point. So nobody can accept an infinite amount of work. If you’re not billing very much and turning down work, that’s a big problem but when you really are slammed you have to let people know or they will just continue burying you indefinitely. Nobody gives anyone gifts and you’re only going to get as much work/life balance (or this case, sanity moreso than balance) as you insist on. When you get to the point he’s at, I think its appropriate to let a partner know you have X project due for partner Y on such and such date, and you won’t be able to turn to his project until such and such time and is that ok or does he need it sooner? That’s much better than saying “I’m busy, I can’t do it” but it accomplishes the same goal.

        1. +10,000

    11. Sounds like he is doing it right…. not only is it normal, but i was there at 2 am at 8 months pregnant….

    12. Part of this is normal but part of this is also DH’s fault. DH should clearly communicate his deadlines and other commitments to each of the partners he works with, and not expect them to do the balancing for him.

19. Someone needs to read the flowchat. http://www.washingtonpost.com/local/education/rockville-students-dress-code-violation-stokes-debate-over-wearing-tights-as-pants/2013/04/05/5108ec6c-9e02-11e2-a941-a19bce7af755_story.html?hpid=z2

    1. I like the comment “If leggings were pants they would be called pants”

    2. This frustrates me though. I mean – as a stylistic point, do I think leggings are great pant choices? No. But here the school is arguing that somehow the girl was inappropriately dressed because she was wearing non-opaque leggings with a sweater that covered her entire rear – but apparently didn’t reach her fingertips. To me this requires a standard of “decency” that assumes that is very controlling of the dress code of the girls at that school. I wonder how many of the dress code rules apply to the boys at the school (I would venture to guess many fewer – or at least that they don’t impact the boys much.) This idea that a girl not even showing her thighs, but somehow showing the outline of her thighs is hideously inappropriate for school bugs me.

       1. It covered her butt while standing. What about sitting down? What about reaching to put books in her locker? Raising a hand in class? BENDING OVER? My impression is that this was, at best, ultra-mini skirt length, which is made even worse by the fact that unlike a skirt, a shirt goes up when you lift your arms.

          1. So she was wearing the same thing that you see on adult women at many gyms, grocery stores, and even some offices? Oh the humanity. Again – I’m not defending it as a sartorial choice (its not one I make) – but I don’t see how its so offensive that it should be a dress code violation (especially an apparently unwritten dress code violation, so therefore subject to the discretion of the principal). Is a spandex or lycra covered leg going to induce some sort of mass panic? Is it going to impede learning?

             I just don’t really get it.

             1. Just chiming in to say that clothing choices are a distraction that often impeded learning in my classroom. I much preferred working in schools with uniforms.

             2. I would go so far as to say I’m embarrassed for the adult women I see wearing that same outfit. I’m normally not one to pick on strangers, but there are women that take one look in the mirror, from the front/side, figure their shirt is long enough, and yet, here we are in the grocery store while their hands are on their shopping cart, t-shirt hitting at mid-butt and pants stretched almost to the point of transparency. It’s like at summertime when we see ladies thinking their skimply coverup is grocerystore wear.

                Sidenote: I agree that the girl in the article should not have been punished for something not explicitly in the dress code, unless it was A) Egregiously short and very clearly distracting/inappropriate (the article may have been soft) or B) this was the 5th time she’d been told she needed longer shirts.

                DH has already informed me that should this trend come back when we have a teenage daughter, he will offer to drive her only to the gym while she is wearing yoga pants/legging t-shirt to butt combo. Nowhere else is that attire appropriate.

20. Did anyone see the PBS documentary on Michael Mosley’s (British doc) experiment with fasting? Is anyone doing the 5:2 fast and, if so, could you comment on how hard it’s been to maintain, whether you’ve lost weight or otherwise gained health, etc.? I’m tempted to try it but really don’t know enough about it to determine whether it might help me lose weight (I’m not overweight – just middle-aged and a little heavier than I’d like to be).

    1. My mom started something similar to this “diet” yesterday–so no results yet, but I’ll be curious to hear others’ responses. I’m due for jumping on a new diet trend!

21. I am looking forward to a weekend with no commitments beyond “go to and 80s night” and “Spend time with boyfriend” it’s been way too long since I had one of these! granted there is some housework to be done but that doesn’t mean I have to be up before I feel like it.

    however, he’s been tight lipped about what he plans for Sunday and i am a bit worried he might ambush me with the dreaded “meet the parents” thing – If so, I need to figure out what to wear and isn’t that always a daunting task? XD

22. So, I have hazel brown eyes with a bit of green in them (see http://www.myspace.com/539185140/photos/3366313 – this was the closest match I could find via google images)

    My normal routine is dark brown eyeliner and black/dark brown mascara. I’ve been wondering lately what I can do to really make my eyes pop out (preferably accentuate the green!). I’m completely not at all the type of person to wear funky eyeshadow colors but is there anything else I can do?

    1. I have hazel eyes (though maybe a little lighter than yours) and I’ve had success with lighter-colored eyeliner, like Estee Lauder Double Wear in Bronze, as well as with colored eyeliner (especially purple, which always makes my eyes look greener.) Navy eyeliner, applied judiciously, can make your eyes pop. You might also experiment with highlighters (BeneFit makes a good one) to get more light around your eye area.

    2. I also have hazel eyes and I’ve found that purple eyeshadow (not a super bold purple but more a nice subtle purple) is really flattering for my eye color. I also have a mascara that is designed for hazel eyes – I don’t think its pure black – I think it has a bit of blue in it.

       1. I’m a hazel also, and use a dark subtle purple eye shadow as liner… it brings out the green more than black, I think. I’ll have to look into your mascara, TCFKAG. Is it part of the Almay line of eye-color coordinated eye makeup?

          1. I checked and its Covergirl Exact Eyelights mascara. Though there seem to be a few options out there.

             1. Thanks!

    3. I have green eyes and I like to do a purple smokey eye when I go out. It sounds awful but think of the way people do a nice subtle smokey eye in grey or brown, but in shades of purple instead. It really brings out the green.

    4. I like plum eyeliner; mine is Estee Lauder liquid liner. (Purple is most often recommended by fashion mags to work well with hazel.) For variety, I also have forest green and glittery gold liners from Sephora. I like the gold a lot. I also used to really like taupe, so much so that I’m out of it.

       I don’t often wear eyeshadow, but when I do, I like a gold base with purple or olive green.

       Almay has a line of eye makeup organized by eye color. I can’t say much to the quality of the makeup, but it gives you a nice idea for palette.

    5. My eyes are a lot greener, but I swear by my purple Benefit mascara. It’s a lot subtler than eyeliner or shadow, but still gives the green a bit of pop.

23. What does the hive think about Obama referring to Kamala Harris as the best looking attorney general? Tacky but no biggie? Sexist and out of line? Apology needed?

    1. out of freaking line!!!!!!!!!!! What was that?!?! I am a democrat, but totally out of line. Fine in social situations among peers (he’s obviously known her pretty well for a long time), but in public?!?

    2. Totally offensive. Totally unpresidential. Totally unsurprising.

    3. It’s a groaner. As insidious as benevolent sexism is, it’s not as horrible is the various rape comments uttered by members of the GOP since 2010.

       I’m glad Obama’s being called out–it’ll raise awareness about avoiding benevolent sexism. It’s not the most ideal way to raise awareness but I’ll take what I can get.

    4. I thought it was very inappropriate and I’m surprised he said something like that. I’d also be pretty peeved if I was Michelle.

       1. I can picture her thinking “that was a really dumb-a$$ career move” much more easily than I can picture her feeling threatened. Unfortunately she probably needs to practice her response for when she is asked about it–cleaning up after her husband, like so many political wives have to.

          1. She probably couldn’t care less. He’s married, not blind, he’s an old friend, and it isn’t as though he was the first person to point out her attractiveness….

             Pretty sure he isn’t worried about career moves anymore….

    5. At first I didn’t really care, then I was annoyed that he said it (because it -is- sexist and completely inappropriate) and now I want the world to move on. So I guess I’m back where I started.

    6. Less than ideal, I suppouse, but I cannot believe it has gotten this much media attention. She’s attractive. It’s significant — attractive people are (seen as) more successful and more likeable. Getting all bent out of shape about it is crazy to me.

    7. Not that big a deal. It was after he commented on her achievements, and was consistent with what he’d been saying about other guests. First guests intro re their accomplishment, cute grandkid comment, then Kamala and her accomplishments then best looking comment, and then comment about Jackie Robinson’s widow being gorgeous at 90 etc… He wasn’t singling her out, diminishing her accomplishments by noting the true fact that she is an attractive woman. It would have been more problematic had he not very clearly first recognized her accomplishments and competency for her job.

       There are some other dynamics at play here, similar to all the faux outrage when Michelle Obama called herself Mom-in-Chief, that is a lack of acknowledgement that the experiences of women of color are different, and that which may seem to be the opposite is in fact feminist for women of color.

       When you look at was he’s actually done, you realize its time to move along, bigger issues in the world….

    8. Let’s see: is she, smart, effective, a good leader, credible, or noteworthy of anything that would make a man respected?

       And what about all the other women attorney generals? By some logic the comment maligned them a bit by way of comparison.

       Since Michelle called herself a single mom the same day, I believe there is more to this story than I need to know.

       1. I saw that comment from Michelle, I thought that was a REALLY odd slip of the tongue for someone who has never actually been a single mom.

          1. I think it was just a slip of the tongue. I’ve accidentally referred to myself as a single mom when what I meant to say was working mom. – I have two kids and a lot on my plate. If I don’t mispeak at least once a day I consider it a minor miracle. Add to that the fact that she probably does sometimes feel like a single mom with her husband’s travel schedule and other commitments and I wouldn’t read too much into it…

          2. Meh.. I often say I function like a single mom…. while acknowledging that I am married. I imagine the wives of pilots, athletes, coaches, and any other jobs which require them to be away from home for significant amounts of time feel similarly…..

          3. To me, a major distinction for single moms is that their personal income is the entire household income (hopefully plus child support). They are paying for everything their kids need, alone. I definitely understand why a husband who is away all the time can lead to identification with single motherhood, but just don’t think we can overlook the financial aspect of the status of single moms.

             1. Yeah, I guess having been an *actual* single mom, I would just say that having a husband who is gone a lot (but, presumably still contributing to the household) is…um…different.

             2. I get that…. and agree to an extent. Financial contribution is important, but parenting is not just cash….

                I just don’t think she meant anything negative by it, and neither do most moms who often function as single parents. This isn’t something new for her, though. this has been her concern since he started in politics – her expressing concern about having to raise the children alone.

    9. I was pretty annoyed, but some commenter on Gawker did a round up of when he referred to male underlings by their looks (often the phrase used was “good looking guy”). It happened quite a bit and I realized it’s one of those “folksy charm” things he does and it got away from him and am now less annoyed with him.

       I am glad to see the response, since I think the media in general is getting better at treating sexism like it actually exists.

       Also, since she’s the *only* Attorney General at the moment, she is, by default, the most attractive — which may have been the joke? Like my dad saying, “You’re my favorite oldest daughter.”

       1. She is a state attorney general, not the US Attorney General – that is Eric holder, who is also pretty handsome, and from all accounts, a really nice guy and husband to his wife….

24. Annoying. Eye-roll-inducing. Probably no apology needed, that might make it more annoying.

25. Does anybody have experience with neurocardiogenic/vasovagal syncope or low blood pressure? I was diagnosed recently w/ tilt table test. I don’t pass out, but do get pretty bad weakness and dizzy spells. I have been following doc’s orders of midodrine, salt and hydration, which have helped a lot. I have also worked my way back up to being able to exercise, which is also a big bonus. But I am still figuring out how my body responds and I am seriously puffy from the salt, and when I try to back off my symptoms come back. Maybe this is really rare and out of left field, but I would love any suggestions if anyone happens to have them. Many thanks!

    1. I’m going anon for this, because it’s slightly embarrassing.

       Last fall I had several fainting spells, the scariest of which occurred on the subway. Luckily, I was with a roommate and an incredibly kind stranger. I remember right before I fainted, i.e., the overheating, the tunnel vision fading into a greyout, the confusion, and the feeling of being extremely lightheaded; being in a moving subway car made things worse. When I came to, said kind stranger was gripping my hand and leading me off the train. I had no idea what happened.

       I went to the doctor for a physical, complete with an EKG. He believed it (and the previous episodes) to be a vasovagal response related to low blood sugar and insufficient hydration. It was likely a result of my complete loss of appetite that was related to my depression. I was advised to always, always eat breakfast; to keep hydrated; and to keep light snacks on me when possible. I now constantly have a water bottle with me as well as a granola bar.

       I don’t know if this is at all helpful, but I wish you best of luck! Feeling faint and dizzy can be really unsettling, so I hope you can keep thins under control!

    2. I’ve had this problem for years. For me, it’s related to dehydration – if I’m not ultra-hydrated, I’ll black out every time I stand, stretch, reach for something off a high shelf, etc. I just have to drink an insane amount of water – if I do that, the problem is nonexistent.

    3. I had this problem a few years ago. I quit drinking alcohol altogether, cleaned up what I was eating (healthy foods now, with lots of different vegetables and a decent amount of protein) and started drinking water all the time. I bring a bottle of water with me everywhere. I think cbackson is right when she says this is at least partially related to staying hydrated. Eliminating alcohol helped as well. I don’t know if cleaning up my diet directly helped with the fainting spells, but it was long overdue. I haven’t had an episode in a long time.

    4. I’ve posted about this before, but I have POTS which also requires more salt + hydration to treat. But I also went on a low-dose steroid that helps me retain sodium, and it’s changed my life. It’s called Florinef, maybe ask your doctor about it?

       1. Oh, and it doesn’t make me puffy, I don’t think.

    5. I have low blood pressure. Most of the time it’s not a problem. I do get light-headed standing up too quickly, and going too long between meals does seem to make it worst. I’ve had one fainting spell, and few near misses. I sometimes get light-headed and feel nauseous at high altitudes but not always. Also I can’t be in a hot tub very long, I think it dilutes the blood vessels dropping the blood pressure even more.

       1. Wow, so many responses! I had no idea this was so common, it makes me feel less isolated and weird, and though it’s not medically serious it can be a little scary. It is also really encouraging to see how many people have recovered. I think I have had many of the general symptoms for much of my life (including many near-misses) but things took a turn for the worse, ironically, when I was trying to clean up my eating and exercise. I had ramped up my martial arts training, tried to limit bad carbs and additives (ditched my gatorade) didn’t pay attention to electrolytes and the combination ended up being a huge problem. I got really sick in February for a solid month, was basically stuck in the house and could only get outside for a few hours at a time without feeling super faint, exhausted with my heart pounding and sweating like crazy. Roses, I thought I might have POTS but I don’t fit the clinical profile but have many of the symptoms. So thanks very much for your help. My docs have mentioned flourinef but say midodrine tends to produce fewer side effects. I am not up to the full recommended dose yet so I can see how it works. It has been vastly helpful in that it has essentially allowed me to resume my normal activities, but I do tend to “bottom out” between doses and sometimes just makes me feel weird. It’s good to hear a positive review from another potential option to try.
          If anyone wants to add, I have a few more questions…
          How do you cope with the mental stress of possibly passing out while doing normal activities or while you sleep? It never happened to me at all before the tilt-table test when I did pass out (I got really big black dots in my vision, intense nausea and then went out) and I’m paranoid it could happen again. Did you find it necessary to have family watch you, have a buddy system or something? I have a nurse friend who is my in case of emergency contact and is very graciously willing to help drive me to a doctor if this happens, but I wonder about other measures and question whether I’m too paranoid. Is there anything you have found to be helpful in staving off episodes or recovering once they happen?
          How do you manage exertion and exercise? I am able to complete fairly normal workouts and feel really good doing them but because of that can sometimes overdo it and suffer afterwards. Same with shopping, driving, going places, etc.
          In the department of food, I also have bad issues with allergy and histamine and am fairly restricted in what I can eat. Gatorade and really plain potato chips, while hardly the paragon of health, are what seem to help the most. I also really like Luna bars for a quick rescue snack and after workouts. I want to work on diet cleanup again but am afraid of a repeat of the symptoms. I seem to do the best with really plain moderate carbs and protein and plenty of snacks in between but pretty much anything else, including the vast majority of fruits and veggies, send my stomach into all kind of pain (came to this conclusion after a huge amount of grief and experimentation). This and the sodium haven’t exactly helped the physique! Lol.
          Thanks again for your kind and helpful words. Corporettely speaking my job has been wonderful and has actually been the least of my concerns. I’ve been able to work from home when I need to without any drama as well as fit in medical tests when I can. I have briefly explained the issue to my bosses and co-workers and they have been very understanding.

          1. You say, “Gatorade and really plain potato chips, while hardly the paragon of health, are what seem to help the most.” That sounds to me like you are in dire need of sodium and electrolytes, but I don’t know much about the additives in either Gatorade or potato chips. I would look into this with your doctor.

             1. I had a low blood pressure episode when withdrawing from a rx steroid. I started craving soda and potato chips, something I rarely eat. I downed a coke and a bag of chips and felt better. My doc noted that caffeine and sodium raise blood pressure and that could be why I craved it so intensely. It was very odd and stuck with me.

                I also suggest you inform you coworkers what they should do if you pass out. I have a friend with a fainting disorder and she was sick of getting ambulance bills for unnecessary trips to the hospital. In her case, if she didn’t hit her head or anything, she didn’t need medical attention.

          2. Definitely get yourself a medical alert bracelet. Try roadid.com or xtremesportsid.com. List your emergency contact. That should reassure you that if you pass out, people can identify you and call your friends. Good luck.

          3. Rosey, I wouldn’t worry about passing out while doing random activities if you experience symptoms before fainting episodes. They’re usually very, very apparent, and can’t be confused with “oh I just don’t feel well.” When you start having that nauseous feeling (mine also comes with overheating) you need to sit down ASAP, or pull over in the car or whatever, and rest. Try to keep water/gatorade and something salty to eat with you too whenever possible. You likely won’t faint if you can get your blood pressure back up while you start experiencing symptoms.

    6. My dad has low blood pressure. He used to be an orderly in a hospital and they would have all the new nurses take his blood pressure because it is SO low. The good nurses would be surprised at the result and the less good ones would be sure they did something wrong and would always check and recheck it.

       Anyway, he doesn’t often have problems. He exercises (walks / weight lifts) and pretty much goes about his day. The problem is that he is much more likely to faint if he’s losing blood than a normal person. (We have a collection of “dad fainting” stories. He had cataract surgery and fainted because they didn’t stitch his EYE up fully. He cut his hand carving wood and fainted in the ER, causing the hospital workers to ignore people who were ACTUALLY in danger, etc.)

       He doesn’t do anything about it (at all — no meds, no salts), but if you’re worried, I’d get a med-alert bracelet that says you have it, in case you pass out. And see if you have triggers — I have regular low blood pressure and sitting too long and being dehydrated can make me woozy / get tunnel vision. Good luck!!

26. Question: can I wear my black suede pumps with bare legs and a jacket/skirt (not a matching suite) in April in the South? Or do I need to retire them until fall?

    1. I think so. It might not be technically correct, but I don’t think anyone is going to flip out about suede in April.

27. Question for the hive. I have a friend who is due with her first kiddo in the fall and I want to do something for her that will be helpful. Unfortunately, I live 1800 miles away. I’ve been asking moms what they A) had and loved when they had a new baby or B) wished they would have had, and so far the overwhelming response has been a baby swing. Do any of you have a recommendation for an awesome swing? (I’ve never had kids, so I’m clueless) Thanks!

    1. The Fisher Price Snug-a-bunny. For sure.

       1. I would not have survived the first six months of my daughter’s life without our Fisher Price Little Lamb swing. The key is a swing that goes side to side, in addition to back and forth.

    2. Just food for thought… My 4 month old baby never liked her swing. From what I understand, some babies love swings, and others, like mine, vastly prefer the vibrating chair. Granted, I did also have a swing, but its been a waste for me and is already heading to the garage. Of course no one will know which your friend’s baby will prefer until he/she is born.

       Also, your friend doesn’t have a baby registry? She might have already picked out the swing she wants.

       1. I’ve already talked to her about it & a swing is something she wants, but hasn’t decided on one yet (no registry). I’m well aware that some babies won’t like swings, but it seems the vast majority do. We’ve talked about swings that convert to bouncers, but like i said, i don’t have kids and this will be her first. Thought I would ask those of you that were moms for input on which their kids liked & check those out too (sometimes there are trends as far as what types of things work & what are absolute pieces of junk).

          1. We were gifted with a swing after our first kid was born and she HATED it, but my 10-week-old son loves it — so who knows?! We have a pretty standard Graco. If you think your friend is going to have more than one kid I’d go ahead and get her one from a store local to her, accompanied by a gift receipt so she can return it if she doesn’t want it. Amazon reviews are good for stuff like this as well.

    3. This question gets asked here pretty regularly. Frequent suggestions are: AmazonMom/AmazonPrime membership (I think you can gift one year); meals (think: Omaha steaks or prepared meals or gift certificates to near-to-her restaurants that deliver); baby clothes (larger than the smallest size because they grow!); diapers (once you know what kind the mom prefers); KindleFire or iPad for watching movies while b-feeding… that’s all I can think of off the top of my head. Congrats to your friend on her pregnancy!

28. Good evening, all…
    I am in the midst of a major decision. I am an attorney, and work for a major corporation in a quasi-legal position. The company itself is great because it is very flexible (I am a married mother of three children 4 and under). The pay is not the greatest, but it is likely I will be promoted within the next month and able to command a slightly higher income.

    I was recently offered a position at a small firm, making slightly more money, but with a little less flexibility. I ultimately want to practice, but I am don’t know how to decide whether now is the time to take the leap, and along that line of reasoning, when will it ever be the best time to take the leap with three young children and a household to run.

    If I decide to stay where I am, how do I use this offer as leverage for more? And if I decide to practice, any advice for an attorney/wife/mother trying to balance work and home life?

    1. I think working at a firm is going to be a HUGE change, and it sounds like you know that. I think you’re right that there will never be a “best time” to take the leap into firm practice, but I would definitely wait until you’re fairly certain you won’t have more children. My gut reaction is that if you do not intend to have more kids, to take the position at the firm. You might not like it, and the sooner you find out whether you like it or not, the sooner you can be on the path to what you “ultimately” want to be doing. The happier you are in your career, the happier you’ll be able to be at home (IMHO). Good luck! and Congrats on the job offer!!

       1. Single with no children here. My gut reaction is “if not now, when.” Sandberg makes a good point when she writes that a lot of women hold themselves back planning for a future that isn’t yet here and end up closing the door on a lot of career opportunities in the process. If you’re mindset is on advancing your career in a different direction, don’t let the thought of having more children stop you. See if you can find a way to make the move to firm practice if that’s what you really want and if you believe this offer is a good opportunity. I’m not saying it won’t be hard and I recognize there are many variables/considerations to take into account before you make a decision. Whatever you decide, I wish you good luck and much success!

29. I have a trip to Cape Town coming up soon, and will have a few days to sight-see. Any recommendations on things to do? Preferably in town, fairly budget-friendly, and good for a solo traveler. I like history, literature, and good food, as well as a bit of window shopping. (On that note, would also appreciate any tips on what to wear, as this trip is a little last-minute and I haven’t even thought about packing yet.)

    1. I spent about 6 months living in cape town a few years ago, and here are a few of my favorites:

       – Take the trip up to the top of table mountain. If you are in good shape, it can be fun to hike it (its a hard hike, and I wouldn’t go alone as a women, so maybe go with a tourist group) or you can take the table car up. It is BEAUTIFUL up there and not to be missed.

       -Kirstenbosche Botanical Gardens are absolutely beautiful, and absolutely worth a few hours (you could probably spend a whole day). You will need to cab there probably from the downtown area.

       -Camps Bay is easy to get to by cab and is a beautiful beach with all the beautiful people of cape town hanging out, having drinks at the pretty beach bars. Its a nice place to spend an afternoon

       -Old Biscuit Mill is in Woodstock (you can take the train there from downtown, im not sure where you will be staying) and is open on Saturdays and it is a really cool market full of vendors. The food there is amazing, so go hungry, but there is lots of clothes, jewelry, and other goodies there.

       -The V&A Waterfront is very pretty and safe. The aquarium there is pretty good as well. It is a nice place to walk around, window shop, check out the boats, and it is very safe. Sevruga Restaurant at the waterfront is a really nice place and has delicious sushi, which is half price during the day and on Sundays (i may call them/ask them to see if this is still the case, but I googled it and it seems to still be true).

       -Muzinberg beach is a cool, kind of hippie area south of the City. You can take the train down there as well, there are a few cool bars, interesting shops, and normally lots of surfers. It can get a little dicey after dark though, so I would plan only for a daytime trip. There is an amazing fish and chips place there, but I can’t remember the name anymore.

       -If you like history, there are some good walking tours in the downtown area that discuss the districting and forced moving of different ethnic groups during apartheid. And a trip to Robin Island is very powerful and the tours there often tell a lot about South African history.

       -I loved taking wine tour trips in the area surrounding cape town, but they can be a bit expensive. The countryside is really beautiful and wine is always fun.

       Let me know if you have any other questions, and have fun! I wish I was head to Cape Town!

30. I could use some advice from you smart women this weekend. About 4 months ago, I went to my supervisor to ask for a promotion because I am working above my title and job description. She agreed, and asked me to write up what I’m doing outside of my job description as she needed to make a case for it. Over the intervening months, we’ve talked about it several times, and she has brought it to her boss, who seems to also agree. But so far, a lot of talk, nothing concrete.

    Fast forward to this week, when a director in another department came to me because his area is creating a position and he thought of me. He approached my supervisor’s boss before coming to me, and I spoke with my supervisor after he approached me, so everything is aboveboard. I met with him casually – not a formal interview – to discuss the position, and I told him honestly that I was interested, but also that I had been working on a promotion in my department, and if it came through, I would like to stay where I am. He appreciated my honesty and gave me a sales pitch for his department, and we ended with me sending him an updated resume by the end of the week. He is not the final decision-maker on this position, and it does not report directly to him, but he will be working closely with the eventual hire, so he wants it to be someone he knows he can work with.

    So now I’m feeling anxious. I’m interested in the new position, but it’s a different path than the one I’m currently on. I believe that I can translate either one into my long-term goals, but it’s definitely a fork in the road. Any ideas or advice on the best way to think this through? I recognize that I may not be offered the new position, ultimately, and that I also may not be offered the promotion. But if I have a choice, any strategies for what to think about in making a decision would be much appreciated.

    1. Since you say that both positions can support your long-term goals, I would be tempted to let finances play into this decision. (I would argue for higher pay in both positions, frankly.) Also, you say that your current position has been months of talk about a promotion with nothing concrete. I would give them a reasonable deadline (end of the month? two weeks?) and say that if you don’t have your promotion official by then, you’re taking the new opportunity. I would stay in the current opportunity if you like it and can get the promotion, but expanding your network is _always_ beneficial. Hope this helped – I’m not sure it did though.

       1. I’m looking for a pretty big increase – roughly 25% – because annual increases are very small in my organization, and I expect to be in the same position for several years. I did speak to the person who approached me about the new position about what kind of salary the department is budgeting, because I didn’t want to go on with talks if it was going to be too low from the get-go.

          Whatever happens, I will be working closely with all players involved for the foreseeable future, so the whole thing feels a bit like a high-wire act right now.

    2. First of all- congratulations. Sounds like you have some good choices. Here are my 2 cents:
       We all start and job w/ X amount of poker chips. During our employment we collect more chips if we do well, lose chips if we do poorly, and “spend” chips when we ask a boss or colleague for a promotion, raise or lateral move.

       Ask yourself how and when you want to spend your chips with your boss.

    3. Taking out your ability to make either role work for your long-term goals, have a think about the opportunities in a more objective way. Some questions to consider :

       Which unit is ‘performing’ better ? In terms of making budget and having a good internal/ external reputation ? Which unit is in a growing segment of the market ? Is it successfully winning new business ? How effectively are the managers of the unit translating business performance into opportunities for staff to earn more, get promoted, get industry recognition or meet personal goals ? What is the typical next step for people from either unit ? Do you see ‘alumni’ in senior management at your company, in desirable positions elsewhere in your industry or in other ways showing evidence of having successfully steered themselves towards their goals ?

       I’d say the answers to these questions have more direct bearing on a successful career move than ‘a nice boss’ or ‘a nice environment’, once a person is out of entry-level roles. Nice bosses move around and nice environments rapidly get nasty if targets are consistently missed.

       Good luck !

       1. These are great things to think about – thanks!

31. So I learned that it’s not a good idea to break a fall with your face. Could be worse but my eye is swelling shot. Any tips other than ice? I don’t think anything is broken, just really bruised.

    1. Shut rather.

       1. Roll a hot (not too hot you burn yourself!) boiled egg on your face from time to time. It promotes blood circulation, which makes things heal faster.

          – the girl who once attempted to backwards skate

    2. Frozen peas are good for icing, because they conform to your face. Also, keep your head elevated to reduce swelling. Poor thing, that sounds painful!

       1. I believe that honey is an anti-inflammatory and you can apply it topically. Other than that, maybe arnica cream/tablets to help with any bruising. Feel better!

    3. I fell flat on my face about 2/3 of the way through a 35k race. Didn’t have much options other than to keep running. The kicker was that evening was my husband’s first holiday party with his current company, so my first time meeting his colleagues. I was completely cut up, bruised, and swollen. As I was talking to one of his coworkers I mentioned I falling during the face and she responded with “oh I hadn’t noticed.” It’s good to be polite but this was beyond ridiculous when it was so obvious. Sorry not much help to you but know you’re not the only one, and hopefully your timing was not quite as bad as mine!

       1. Thanks all. I feel better that I’m not the only one.

    4. Ice and gentle circulatory massage for the first 2-3 days, then heat and gentle massage after. You want to have lots of blood flow to the affected area.

32. I will have a couple weeks off between jobs and want to take 4-5 days to go to the beach for a vacation by myself. I plan to sleep, read, and take naps, so the ability to get a room/hotel with an ocean view is a higher priority than a location with lots of things to do. I live in the midwest (where it is inexplicably STILL winter), and would prefer to go somewhere in the continental US or somewhere with direct flights to cut down on travel time. This will be in the next couple of weeks, so I’m looking for recommendations on where to go and best ways to get a good last-minute deal.

    1. Alabama Gulf Coast. If you have the money, the Grand Hotel (a Marriott resort), on Mobile Bay, is gorgeous and the room on the water side are so relaxing. You can open the doors and hear the surf all night. Each room has a balcony with chairs and a table. It’s heavenly. And also near the little town of Fairhope. If that’s out of your price range, look at Orange Beach or Perdido Key. A colleague of mine just went with her family and said it was great.

    2. I like Kayak’s “explore” tool — lets you see what’s available in your budget and timeframe. http://www.kayak.com/explore/

       1. That’s the coolest!! How am I just learning about this feature? Thanks for sharing.

    3. Santa Cruz Ca

33. Probably way too late for weekend thread, but I’ll give it a try. I’m applying for jobs. My second most recent job ended poorly, and my former boss hates me. She was rude, unprofessional and made comments about my religion, weight and personal life. I was not fired, and I did not nothing heinous or illegal (stealing, swearing, name-calling, lying, etc). I was there for 7 months, and I leave it off my resume.

    I’m applying to a very large, well-known financial services firm. Will this show up on a background check? Should I mention this to the recruiter? If so, how?

    1. The weekend has just begun! In my opinion you can not omit a recent 7 month position from your resume, unless you were still in school at the time. The gap in the resume would be obvious and the recruiter will likely ask you what you were doing. Depending on the background check the employer runs, your previous places of employment may or may not show up, is it really worth the risk of having to explain later? Though you were not fired, I would still read the post from earlier this week on the topic.

       1. @ Susie- thanks for the constructive feedback. The job was 3 years ago (prior to me starting full-time graduate studies). The more I think about it, the more I need to disclose this to the recruiter.

          1. I’m doing the resume math here, and if this was your second most recent position, and you were in full-time grad school in the interim, then you need to include the position because it adds to your experience and is too recent to ignore. Did you have anyone else in the company who would be a good reference? If not, then don’t give a reference there and, most likely, the only background check will be confirming your period of employment with HR.

          2. I think it’s fine to leave it off– if your résumé is only listing/ addressing your work exp after finishing grad school. That said, I would inform the recruiter that you omitted pre-grad school jobs but wanted him/her to be aware that you worked at xyz for x mos. In financial services the background checks are very thorough.

    2. How is your resume organized? I leave off one of my current positions (What up, freelancing and childcare!) and organize everything by “relevant employment” and “other employment.” Unless they want to go back and forth between the two section to check the dates, they don’t generally realize there are gaps.

       I have multiple other part-time overlapping things and having any sort of child care (tutoring, after school instruction, sports instruction) means I don’t get called back. Even though child care pays my rent. I usually just toss it in when I’m discussing all the things I’m doing currently (usually 5 or so) and it just gets glossed over.

       Also, if you went to grad school AFTER this position, it’ll be easy to minimize the job: X job made me realize I wanted to go back to school. OR I left to study for the GRE / put together a portfolio / prepare for grad school. OR That was an interesting job, once I got into graduate school, I realized I wanted to do X not Y.

       Really unless it’s a job that’s directly related to the position I’m interviewing for or what I’m doing right now, I don’t get a lot of questions about the jobs on my resume. They mostly want specific experiences of when you dealt with whatever it is they’e looking for. Like being organized or dealing with customers.

       Good Luck!

34. Late question to the hive:

    I am 32 years old, attorney with a decent job in a tough job market. I have been dating the same guy for 5 years, but he is not interested in marriage or a family. Im thinking of moving out and starting fresh. There is a guy at work (paralegal) who I’ve confided in and I’m thinking that he could be the one for me. There are 2 issues: 1) he works at the firm and 2) he makes a lot less money than me and if we have kids,I want to take time off so money would be very tight.

    Should I just go for it with him or start looking for someone with better earnings. We all live in an expensive city and relocating is not an option for me.

    Ideas?

    1. If this paralegal dude is so awesome, then he can raise the kiddies!

    2. Marry for love, not money! (My mom, who married for love, always told me that if you marry for money you still have to endure the so-and-so at breakfast, or dinner, or whatever.) However, pick someone with upstanding character, kindness, a good sense of humor, similar values and aspirations, and enough fiscal responsibility to repay loans, save something, and not live beyond his/her means. Discuss big issues (religion, politics, whether to relocate, have an active lifestyle, or whatever else is important to you) with your SO enough to get clarity on how you’ll handle this for yourselves, any potential kids, and your extended families (in that order). Most important, pick someone you really like and who feels the same way about you. If the paralegal turns out to be wonderful in every other way, you’ll find a way to deal with the part about not having lots of money. I understand about living in an expensive city. It’s not easy, but one manages. As for starting a relationship with someone at work, I have no advice except that while it’s always wise to conduct yourself with dignity, treat the other person with respect, and handle the relationship with discretion, it’s probably an even better idea to do all this if you have the same workplace. If all goes well, your colleagues should be happy for you and if it ends…well, hopefully it won’t end so badly that you can’t remain civil towards each other.
       Feel free to roll your eyes at me–I’m a longtime married lady so who am I to dispense such advice?! But I hope it works out for you, either happy ever after (no snark here, honest) w/ the paralegal dude, or a civil attempt followed by calling-it-off with paralegal dude, or a happy ending with someone else. More to the point, if the current bf doesn’t share your marriage & family aspirations, it’s time to end it (cordially if possible) because otherwise you are wasting time. Not that you have to find a spouse within two weeks after ending things with current bf, but if it’s not going where you want it, why keep riding the train?
       Didn’t mean to write a novel, but that seems to happen when I respond to queries on this site. (Blush.)

    3. Yes, you should marry for money but it is important. I say lose the current guy, but do not just move in with the paralegal. Otherwise you won’t see all of your options. It’s never good to sleep with the help, tho many do. You should find your own place, so you can have your own identity. Who knows, you may meet the man of your dreams in the laundromat tomorrow, go back to your new place, conceive, marry and have a baby by Christmas and live happily ever after! We will all be rooting for you! God be with you!

35. @NYNY- All good points.

    1.) I graduated a year ago, and have been working since then at a good job.
    2.) My question is: will it appear in a *background* check?
    3.) My boss *was/is* HR at former employer. In fact, a potential employer had the kindness to inform me that my former boss was saying horrible things.

36. Hello! I’m totally late for this so I really hope someone out there will read this and help a girl out! So it’s been 2 going on 3 years since I graduated university. I haven’t worked since then except for a short stint at Bloomingdales back at the end of 2011. I went through personal issues which is why I haven’t been working. I’m really at a loss when they ask “tell me about yourself” (or actually anything they ask) in an interview, which I have one on Monday. I haven’t really been doing anything so I have no idea where to start. I hate talking about myself too. Any advice?

    1. I would use this as a chance to highlight the skills that make you relevant to the job. For example, if you want them to know about your great relationship-building skills you should talk about volunteer work or your work at Bloomingdales that was enhanced by your ability to do X, Y and Z — and why you really enjoyed that work.

       I say this not to be mean, but an interview is your chance to tell them about yourself — so maybe some practice/mock interviewing would help if you’re not comfortable with that?

    2. Focus on why you want the job and what you can bring to the job. “Tell me about yourself” is just the best way to ask a person, “can I work with you?” Be positive, foward-looking, and upbeat. How would you tell a long-lost friend about your career/goals if you ran into them in an elevator? “I’m looking for a job doing X because I love A, B, C, which relate well to my studies in D, E, F, and build on the skills I learned at G, H, I job/internship.” Good luck!

    3. Good for you for resolving whatever personal issue demanded your previous attention.
       +1 to goldribbons’ suggestion about organizing your thoughts and to ANP’s recommendation to do some role playing with a friend before Monday. Also, browse through some of the information at askamanager (dot) org . She has good suggestions re what to say and ask and what _not_ to say or ask in an interview.

       It’s hard to talk about oneself, but there is a difference between oversharing personal information and simply describing one’s skills, interests, and experience in the context of showing how one would be a good fit for a particular job. The former feels squirmy; the latter may feel difficult at first, but that should be in the sense of unfamiliar, not uncomfortable, and it should get easier as you gain more practice.

    4. Lila, wanted to be at least one voice answering you! How have you been filling your time for the past few years? Is there any way to put a professional spin on it? For example, if you have been primary care-taker for a sick relative or volunteering, those are good entry-points to discuss passions and skills relevant to a job interview. I’d think: upfront, not apologetic, and positive. Good luck!

       1. Weird, now I see that there are earlier replies. For some reason, no replies showed up until I submitted mine, which is why I said “wanted to be at least one voice answering you.” +100 to silvercurls on oversharing v. describing skills & experiences. Good luck and knock em dead!

37. I posted here three months ago about my problems with my husband. He works admittedly very long hours at his job — a job he loves and chooses to work, even though we don’t need the money — and then comes home and insists on what I view to be excessive downtime playing video games at the expense of spending time with our child and me.

    I can’t remember the last time he spent more than 3 hours at a time with our daughter. I can’t remember the last time he spent time alone with our daughter. And I’m struggling to remember the last time he came to bed with me instead of staying up late to play video games, even though I ask often.

    After I posted here last time, I was encouraged to try to be very direct with him that I feel he is prioritizing both his work and his downtime over his family, and that it hurt my feelings immensely. I outright said, “I am not happy.” Well, in short, his ways have not changed in the last three months. Yesterday, for example, after working around-the-clock for weeks, he spent his day off playing many hours of video games and getting a massage. He spent 3 hours with us. Today he is back to work, and tomorrow out of town for a week. When I confronted him last night, he said that I was too much of a nag for him to want to spend time with anymore. Perhaps! I’m so angry all the time. I volunteered to leave the house so he could focus just on our child, but he said that “taking care of her is my job” and he “needs to relax from the stress of work,” and went back to his video games for who knows how many hours.

    I have asked him to attend counseling, and he said no. I asked him to commit to providing weekly childcare for our daughter so I can go alone, and he said no. I’ve written him a letter that I hope explains my feelings and tried to make it as non-accusing as possible. I am considering moving out to an extended stay hotel in the area while he is gone next week, and leaving the letter. I wonder if having the space will let us both evaluate what we are getting from the relationship. I suspect I’m not getting anything anymore — I feel like a single mom with the added stress of having a husband who constantly lets me down. I also, admittedly, just want to do something drastic to get his attention. But I worry that this is a nuclear option that will make things worse. Thoughts?

38. I posted here three months ago about my problems with my husband. He works admittedly very long hours at his job — a job he loves and chooses to work, even though we don’t need the money — and then comes home and insists on what I view to be excessive downtime playing video games at the expense of spending time with our child and me.

    I can’t remember the last time he spent more than 3 hours at a time with our daughter. I can’t remember the last time he spent time alone with our daughter. And I’m struggling to remember the last time he came to bed with me instead of staying up late to play video games, even though I ask often.

    After I posted here last time, I was encouraged to try to be very direct with him that I feel he is prioritizing both his work and his downtime over his family, and that it hurt my feelings immensely. I outright said, “I am not happy.” Well, in short, his ways have not changed in the last three months. Yesterday, for example, after working around-the-clock for weeks, he spent his day off playing many hours of video games and getting a massage. He spent 3 hours with us. Today he is back to work, and tomorrow out of town for a week. When I confronted him last night, he said that I was too much of a nag for him to want to spend time with anymore. Perhaps! I’m so angry all the time. I volunteered to leave so he could focus just on our child, but he said that “taking care of her is my job” and went back to his video games.

    I have asked him to attend counseling, and he said no. I asked him to commit to providing weekly childcare for our daughter so I can go alone, and he said no. I’ve written him a letter that I hope explains my feelings and tried to make it as non-accusing as possible. I am considering moving out to an extended stay hotel in the area (we don’t have any family nearby) while he is gone next week, and leaving the letter. I wonder if having the space will let us both evaluate what we are getting from the relationship. I suspect I’m not getting anything anymore — I feel like a single mom with the added stress of having a husband who constantly lets me down. I also, admittedly, just want to do something drastic to get his attention. But I worry that this is a nuclear option that will make things worse. Thoughts?

    1. Troubled, I’m sorry you’re in a painful situation. Unfortunately, it’s not going to change unless you make a change. Your husband has told you that he is not going to make any changes — no counseling, no father-daughter time, no prioritizing you (even once) over a video game. Believe what he has told you, and even more, believe what his actions are telling you.

       You deserve better. He is not going to give you more than the status quo. It’s up to you to make a better life for yourself and your daughter.

       Please don’t think I am being blithe, or taking your heartbreak lightly. I am not. It’s just that it’s so clear that your husband doesn’t care about your needs.

       You deserve better.

       It sounds like leaving him is the right choice. It’s not an easy choice; be clear about that. Get your situation organized. Make sure that you have access to money. Line up some supportive friends. Get paperwork on all of your joint accounts. Set up some accounts of your own if you don’t have them now. I’m sure others here will chime in with more specifics. Figure out how you will handle child care. Figure out what you will say to people — having a set line will make it easier for you when people ask what’s going on. Find a therapist. But most of all, remember this: You deserve better.

    2. From what you’ve written here, moving out temporarily to re-evaluate is not “something drastic to get his attention”–it’s a logical next step after trying so many less severe options and getting nowhere. It sounds like you’ve been very clear about not being happy and feeling abandoned, and he’s stated that he’s not willing to change a thing, or even make the space for you to work on it yourself (through individual counseling). I’m so sorry, but I think if you choose to go ahead with this you should not think of it as a “nuclear option,” nor blame yourself if it makes things worse. It will de-stabilize the situation, yes, but the status quo is not an option anymore either. I wish you the best.

    3. Troubled Marriage: I think you should talk to an attorney before you do anything – especially move out – as some states consider that “abandonment” and may impact the final settlement. The things to consider are: Are you going to be able to keep your house/condo with your income and some child support from him or will you need to move? Do you have resources of your own (savings, job/income) to pay for a divorce attorney? Will he fight you for custody? (Yes, even dads who don’t spend time with kids often fight for custody.) Does he have parents who will make him fight the settlement or the custody (I’ve seen this with friends)?

       I would use the week that he is gone to meet with 2-3 attorneys (ask divorced friends for names), have your paycheck direct-deposited to an account that only has your name on it, and look into daycare backup etc.

       Then, after you meet with the attorney, you’ll be able to make decisions that won’t come back to bite you later.

       Final question – why the heck would you move out? He’s the one who should be inconvenienced and since you moving out would displace your child (who will react more strongly to Dad leaving along with a change in environment) and would put the burden of moving on you.

       Lastly, after you do all this, you could ask him one more time to meet with you and a councelor or a divorce attorney – his choice.

       1. And forgot to say – good luck. You’ll be fine.

    4. I second the advice to consult with at least one attorney. You need to be very clear about what your financial position will be when you finally realize that “getting his attention” is not going to get you anywhere with someone who’s made his position perfectly clear already. I’d also like to suggest meeting with a counselor for yourself. They’re cheaper than attorneys :-), and it seems you need to come to terms with the fact that you’re already a single mother. I can assure you that it’s much easier to be a real single mother than one who’s merely lonely and burdened with an unsatisfactory relationship. Good luck Troubled! You have no doubt some unpleasant times ahead in the short term, but you will feel a lot better when this is off your shoulders..

    5. I have an idea but I would only do it if you were certain your child would be safe alone with him. Next time he is playing video games and you want to leave to do something for yourself, don’t ask, just do it. Yell down the basement stairs, “husband, I’m leaving for a half hour, child is in the play pen in the living room.” Then leave before he can respond.

       If you think he will just stay in the basement and completely ignore your child and she would be in danger than don’t do this. If you think he wouldn’t actually endanger the child and would just plop in a playpen in front of the tv and keep playing video games, then I would do it.

       You need to take the time you need for you and that might require forcing him to parent. Not asking, doing.

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