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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 192 Comments · by

Splurge Monday’s TPS Report: Hawaii Zip Jacket

The Personal Shopper (TPS)

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Our daily TPS reports suggest one piece of work-appropriate attire in a range of prices. Rebecca Taylor Hawaii Zip JacketHuh: I never thought I’d say this, but I prefer the Zappos picture of this blazer to the ones at Saks, Bloomie’s, and Bergdorf’s. That must be a first. This blazer looks like a disaster when put together as a suit — but by itself, I think, it’s an interesting piece that you could easily wear  with navies, blacks, whites, beiges, and probably a lot of other colors (and prints) with a bit of playing. It’s a feminine look, to be sure, but not an overly silly one. I like. It’s $495 at Zappos. Rebecca Taylor Hawaii Zip Jacket Seen a great piece you’d like to recommend? Please e-mail tps@corporette.com. (L-all)

Workwear sales of note for 12.7.23

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Kat Griffin is the founder, publisher, and editor-in-chief of Corporette. You can read more about her here.

Comments

  1. KP

    Eeeesh. That looks like a Project Runway restyling of a 1990s bedspread.

    I think the Bergdorf model’s facial expression sums up all of my feelings about this.

    • SA!

      It looks just like the one my 90 year old grandma wore to Easter mass! She always has been a clothes horse.

    • cbackson

      I’m pretty sure that I had a black velour skirt in this pattern in the 1990s, which I wore with fishnets and Doc Martens. And maybe a poet shirt.

      • Diana Barry

        I had the BEST poet shirt from Victoria’s Secret (really!) in the 90s. RIP.

        • OMG

          I gave up collared shirts in favor of blouses. And now, I am realizing that, OMG, I am not on Team Blouse, but Team of Son of Poet Shirt.

  2. Cb

    Early TJ: Best shoe selection (mid-range, DSW-type stores okay too) in Chicago? Any Chicago shopping recs?

    Stateside tomorrow and cannot wait!

    • espresso bean

      Lori’s on Armitage is great! I also like City Soles at North/Damen/Milwaukee. And Akira on State is good for trendier styles.

    • Nellie

      Obvious, yes, but the expanse that is the Nordstrom shoe department in the North Bridge shops on Michigan Avenue is not to be missed.

    • ac

      Good suggestions already! There’s also a DSW on State Street, so you could make a day out of Nordstrom Rack/DSW/Akira.

    • Monday

      The Personal Shopper, but I always thought it might be an Office Space reference too.

    • NOLA

      The Personal Shopper. Kat usually puts that in her tags, but I don’t see it here (it’s tagged like that on the home page. Of course, many of us think Office Space when we think TPS Reports.

    • Knee Highs

      Suggestions on knee highs? I wear them everyday under my slacks, but rarely does one pair make it to 2 wears without ripping near the toes (yes- I keep the toenails in good shape). So far I’ve tried Hanes from Target and silk reflections from Hanes / Macy’s but at 1-2 pairs for $8, it adds up rather quickly since they only last a few days. The really cheap ones from Leggs that you can buy at CVS or Target don’t stay up and pool at my ankles. What do you ladies do?

  4. Knee Highs

    Sorry for the repost – Suggestions on knee highs? I wear them everyday under my slacks, but rarely does one pair make it to 2 wears without ripping near the toes (yes- I keep the toenails in good shape). So far I’ve tried Hanes from Target and silk reflections from Hanes / Macy’s but at 1-2 pairs for $8, it adds up rather quickly since they only last a few days. The really cheap ones from Leggs that you can buy at CVS or Target don’t stay up and pool at my ankles. What do you ladies do?

    • V

      Target. I bought the 6- or 8- pack of trouser socks in the fall and still have all of them. Some are patterned but there was one plain pair.

    • Anonymous

      If you wear black shoes, go for a slightly thicker trouser sock rather than knee high nylons? I’m wearing a pair today that are basiclaly tights but knee highs and they seem to last better.

    • a passion for fashion

      I buy hue, spanx, and nordie’s brand. and never, ever get runs. i usually have throw them out eventually becasue ive washed them so many times and they just dont look great anymore. nordies usually has their brand or hue at 3 pairs for 18 bucks. plus, they have nude styles in a variety of patterns — not real noticable, but way better than the basic nude stocking look.

    • n.

      I buy ones from Target that are more tights weight than panty hose weight, and they’ve held up pretty well.

    • TCFKAG

      This is going to sound random, but I bought some really nice knee highs and knee socks from the Rockport store. They are my favorites.

  5. SA!

    I buy the cheap ones in the box from Walgreens, they last for more than 2 wears but not a lot longer

    *still just SA, not sure how I got the “!” but I think I’ll keep ti

  6. TO Lawyer

    I might be crazy but I actually like this blazer. $500 is a little steep for an item I couldn’t wear very often but if it actually looks like it does in the Zappos picture, it would be a fun addition to a work wardrobe.

    • AIMS

      I like it too. Not so much the side zippers, but the print is actually kind of fun.

    • a passion for fashion

      i love it. i thought i would even like it as a suit, but Kat is correct — its a disaster. I’d wear the jacket all spring and summer though. i think its a great take on the floral trend — because it is navy, it doesnt feel so loud.

  7. Belts -- thoughts?

    How do you wear a belt?

    For dresses, for emphasis (so no beltloops on the dress, if that is even a thing), I think: waist

    For other things (untucked shirt or cardigan) over pants or skirts, I think it has to be lower, more towards the hips. [Epiphany of this morning.]

    So, the one belt I bought for dresses in my waist size is now only partially useful and now I need . . . more belts (yes?).

    This is why I gave up belts years ago (and why I have a love-hate relationship with scarves): makes the morning too complicated. But I am resolving to figure this out. The lady’s not for turning, but is for belting!

    • Cb

      I wear belts all the time. I don’t own any trousers but wear them at the waist with skirts and dresses and at the hips with jeans. A tailor / cobbler can easily add holes in either direction should you need them.

      I have a belt that is quite big (wide leather with double holes) and I’ve been bluetacking the floppy part so it stays neat. It’s too long to tie but any thoughts on a more permanent solution? Some sort of magnet?

      • Monday

        I have used clear, mini hair elastics for this purpose. They function like an extra loop wherever you need them, and they’re only noticeable close up.

        Overall, though, I’m pretty much resigned to needing two sets of belts: some for the waist, some for the hips. I don’t have a huge collection and it doesn’t bother me. If you’re reluctant to spend on more belts, check out consignment stores–they usually have a few basic belts in fine condition for much less than retail price. I’ve also found some much more interesting vintage belts this way.

        • a passion for fashion

          Ann Taylor has a cute skinny patent belt right now in tons of colors for spring (I just bought a bright yellow one, a i am totally obsessed with yellow right now). Its not super high quality, but its inexpensive and can add a great pop of color/style and is a good option if you are looking to have various size belts. I got it for $18 w/ a coupon code last week, but i think its only $30 in any event.

        • Orangerie

          Totally going to buy some clear elastics from Walgreens today. What a great idea!

        • Stephanie

          This. The most versatile belt for me so far has been my skinny, grey, Steve Madden one I picked up at Belk for $11.

          A grey belt can go with so many outfits, I love it.

      • Leigh

        A cobbler/shoe repair shop should be able to shorten the belt. I just tie mine or use double sided sticky tape/fashion tape to secure it.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      I just got an email from Everlane last week, I think, about a dual belt that you can wear at your waist and your hips. Maybe check them out?

  8. recent grad

    I’m sure it’s been discussed before, but I couldn’t find the thread. Does anyone have any recommendations for nylons? I usually wear the Donna Karan The Nudes sheer to waist. My coloring is super light, and I tend to turn a little purple if I am the least bit cold, so I have to wear nylons all summer. I love these nylons in the B02 color, but they only really last two to three wears before I snag them. At $20 a pop, these really start to add up. Any suggestions?

    • Anne Shirley

      I don’t think you have to cover up bluish skin in the cold, but I like Hue’s sheers as an alternate to Donna Karen, and also Calvin Klein when I can get them on sake or with a coupon

    • TCFKAG

      My personal favorites are Hanes Silk Perfections Ultra Sheer (pretty sure that’s the name). I also like the notdstrom’s rack brand and the Target Hanes brand. I won’t spend much more than $5 a pair because I’m a clumsy fool and I rip nylons like its my job.

    • lucy stone

      I despise nylons and will only wear them fr a jury, but if you want to wear them, I like the Assets brand in the lightest color. They hold up 4-5 wears for me and I’m really abusive. I ran my tights last month, which I didn’t even know you could do!

    • downstream

      I have had great luck with Calvin Klein. They’re less expensive than DK hose and IMO they last much longer

      • CKB

        I also like Calvin Klein. I get them at Winners (like Marshalls?) when they have them and I stock up.

    • Sargeant at Arms in the pink

      I rely on Filodoro = Aurora 15 style. I get them from shapings dot com in Ontario … they ship to the US. I find they wear like iron. There are other styles, but this is my go to on a daily basis.

    • De

      I was wearing a brand that I found at Target, that I love. I want to say they are Hanes, and they come in a gray package. However, I couldn’t find them recently, and I ended up trying a new brand from Macy’s, it’s called Hue. I think I’m converting. I really, really like these. The top part feels less restrictive than most, and I think hold up better than Silk Reflections (which I picked up a few just in case, they are my least favorite!)

  9. Equity's Darling

    How do you all organize your books at home? I have a lot of books- cookbooks, fiction, non-fiction, school/work related (including binders), knitting pattern books, etc, I do want to keep all of them, but I’m sort of sick of my bookshelves looking haphazard. They’re stuffed to the brim at this point, so I know I need to go pick up another bookcase soon, and when I do so, I want to organize all my books. I love all my books, but I sort of feel like they are overtaking my little one bedroom apartment.

    I would also like to give myself some credit for making it to the gym at 6:15 this morning, even though there is snow on the ground and it was -10C.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      Damn girl. I had big dreams of the gym this AM but my pillow won out. The class schedule is taped the wall next to me and people always comment on all my highlighted early AM classes.

      Number of times I’ve actually made it to a highlighted early AM class? 0.

      As for books, mine are haphazard too though they are organized by size. I’m a little sad that I’ve bought almost exclusively e-books for the past 2-3 years, so my book collection is looking older and older.

      • Jo March

        Between the two of us, Professor Bhaer and I have about 1500 books. We have them organized by category/genre as made the best sense with the books we happen to own (eg. US History, Art, Pop Culture, Philsophy, Marxism, various iterations of Canadian History, GEnder and Sexuality Studies, etcetc plus all the fiction). It took some time to amalgamate and create categories when we moved in together, but it seems to work (except that we are also running out of shelf space, lol). We even have little labels on the shelves – because YES, we are giant nerds, lol.

        I used to keep hard and soft covers mostly separate in my fiction section, and I organized by height within categories, but with twice as many books we needed a better system.

        • SoCalAtty

          I just did this over the weekend, and I ended up with categories for law, travel, what I called “home” which was design and gardening, fiction, non-fiction, and philosophy. My hiking maps went in with “travel.” Within those categories, instead of doing alpha or title, I do by size – largest to smallest – since they are on a bookshelf right in the middle of my living room. Also, to make them look nice, be sure to “flush” your books – pull them all out to the edge of the shelf, and then push them back to be one level with a long book or ruler. That way your books are all even and look nice!

          It’s a work in progress, and we probably have that many books but I have had to start boxing them and putting them down in the basement. Once we have something bigger than 700 square feet I plan on having a library!

    • V

      I come from a family of book-hoarders. I finally had to do a purge, esp re undergraduate books and eventually did a purge of law books. I kept maybe 5 undergraduate hardcover books, but under the condition that I re-read them and decide that I loved them and was OK with them being seen by the public (this was driven by putting a house on the market and having to merge book collections with The Husband).

      Cookbooks go in a kitchen cabinet.

      I am impressed that you have knitting books. I have one plastic-covered sheet and it stays with the yarn.

      It helped me to say goodbye to put things that didn’t make the loveliness cut into a box in a holding closet for a while. And then after a few months of coming to terms, I tossed them. And maybe poured myself a glass of wine to console myself / blot out the pain.

      That was about 6 years ago and I fear it is time to go through this again.

      • Equity's Darling

        I have two whole shelves of cookbooks (seriously, I have dozens, I basically can’t say no to a cookbook), and my kitchen is not nearly big enough to waste a whole cabinet on books. Maybe a little kitchen bookshelf for cookbooks?

        • rosie

          We have dozens of cookbooks, too. Ones we picked out, gifts, books passed down from mothers/grandmothers, etc. We have a ladder bookshelf right outside the kitchen (open layout, but won’t fit in the actual kitchen) that is entirely for cookbooks and some kitchen-like decorative items.

        • V

          Oh, yeah, *those* cookbooks. The ones I use for regular inspiration are in the kitchen. The ones I haven’t given up on using for inspiration got chucked into a sideboard cabinet.

          Maybe this’ll help: visible bookshelf storage –> pretty books and ones you use a lot; hidden storage (cabinet, closet, boxed up) –> stuff you don’t regularly use but can’t yet part with (with the more accessible out-of-site storage used for ugly but used books, and so on down the storage food chain).

        • Jo March

          Yes, we use a kitchen shelf for cookbooks – though we only have about 10-15 of them.

        • Meg Murry

          In a past house with my giant dream kitchen (seriously, it was huge and had a separate pantry as well) we had an open cabinet (just a cabinet with the door removed) where we kept cookbooks on the bottom shelves and then decorative pieces on the top shelves. I’m trying to figure out how to replicate this in my new much smaller kitchen. I’m debating putting them up in the dead space between our ceiling and cabinets, although that would mean climbing on the countertop to get them down – but they would probably be more likely to be used that way than in the 2nd floor office where they are now.
          We currently have ridiculously overflowing bookshelves, plus we’ve made our own out of things like stacked apple crates (which is a major step up from the cinderblocks and 2x4s we had at one time). We also have a few book “hutches” where we took a dresser on the bottom and used it for things like board games and kids toys, then had a bookcase built on the top. My father also has a few old dressers where the drawers were beyond repair but he put shelves in where the drawers used to be and uses those as bookshelves as well, and he has turned china cabinet/hutches into bookshelves at his house also (we’re big furniture salvagers, in case you couldn’t tell). We generally sort by topic, then I separated my fiction into “respectable” and “trashy romance novels” and semi-alphabetized by author from there (respectable fiction gets to live in public spaces, trashy romance novels stay in my bedroom).
          My goal now is to get all my books into GoodReads or LibraryThing, then start doing some major purging of my paperback fluff books. We have a great library in my area, so I need to remind myself that I can pretty much always get my fluff fix there, I don’t need to store it all myself.

      • Sydney Bristow

        A friend of mine organizes her books by color and it looks so pretty! She doesn’t have a ton of books, so I’m not sure how practical it is for someone with a ton.

        • ss

          I’ve got the answer to that one : not practical at all. I have a wall of white shelves where all the books with white/ light spines go, and a (larger) wall of natural timber shelves for every other colour of spine. I’m pretty familiar with what’s where but my husband has to ask every time he wants a particular book.

      • Another book lover

        I organized the books on one set of built-in shelves by color, and it did look pretty — but it was impossible to find anything! I finally gave up and went back to alphabetical by author for fiction and category for non-fiction. I mostly read on my iPad now, but yesterday was reading a knitting book while eating a snack, and I tapped my little finger on the edge of the page two or three times before realizing that strategy would NOT make the page turn in a real book.

        • In the Pink

          + 1,000,000

          I love the look but I can’t imagine how I’d find anything.

          We do have more of the “coffee table” books on bookshelves in the living/dining room, plant/animal/gardening in our den where we access the outdoors, and everything else is in a study – grouped by topic (with magazine files for catalogues on the same topic).

          I adore the by-color look though. Maybe use that strategy for the books out in plain view? Again, I’d want them to be books that I do NOT use for reference :)

      • Anastasia

        Cookbooks go in the kitchen, and other task-specific books go where the task is. I also rotate a couple of favorites on my nightstand for when I can’t fall asleep.

        For the rest: I have built-in white bookshelves, and they look so pretty with the books by color that I stuck it out, even though I couldn’t find anything and hated it at first. I’ve been using the color system for a couple of years, and by now I know where to find everything. Around the same time, I rediscovered libraries and cut myself off from buying new books; I can imagine that if I were continually adding to my collection, I would quickly go insane. It’s actually not quite as bad as you think, though, since publishers often have a similar look for books on similar topics or of the same genre.

        Previously, I sorted by author’s name for fiction and by category for non-fiction, with a separate shelf for oversized books. WAY easier to find things, but it looked really jumbled.

    • Anon

      When I was married to someone who had a ton of books, we probably had at least 6-8 bookcases in the house. We had them organized by subject. We had books about cooking/food (not cookbooks), travel, religion, philosophy, then novels. You do have to organize somewhat by size (like maybe art books on the bottom because they’re larger. Now, I have my books, the much fewer I have, organized somewhat the same way, but I now read on my Kindle, so I am not adding to them. I need to weed my collection and donate some of my paperback novels to the library.

      I am a cataloger by training and, in grad school, we learned about the theory of organization of information and I always keep that in mind. When you’re organizing your own collection, you think of how you want to find things and use them. For myself, I also like my bookcases to look aesthetically pleasing so I don’t pack things on them and leave space for things like a bear with glasses leaning on the books, etc.

      • Anon

        Oh, and I should have said that all of my knitting patterns/books are in a clear plastic box with my knitting stuff and I have a beautiful bookcase for my cookbooks in my kitchen.

      • InfoGeek

        I organize similarly to this. So, in general, math books are in one place and computer books another. For non-fiction, I group by author and/or genre.

        We have book cases in several rooms of our house, so it’s really helpful to have a good idea where something should be.

        We do cull our books periodically and donate the excess to the library for their annual book sale.

        There are some books we’ve actually bought 3 times: once in a paperback that we wore out, once in hard back, and again in kindle e-book.

      • Nonny

        Hi, my name is Nonny, and I am a bookaholic. Actually, I guess that would be bibliophile, but that doesn’t quite have the same ring to it.

        I believe that no room is complete without books. As a result, I have books everywhere (except the laundry room and the dining room at the moment).

        I organize books by subject matter. Like InfoGeek, I group fiction by author and/or genre. I have a specific section for Indian diaspora writing, another for Canadian literature, a whole bookcase for mysteries, and another one for cookbooks (which, yes, is in the kitchen). Knitting books live in my home office. My parents recently brought over all my childhood books, which filled me with joy.

        I am very bad at culling books. The only ones I successfully cull on a regular basis are duplicates, knitting books that I don’t use, and the occasional garden book.

        My poor boyfriend has suggested I get a library card. I agree that I probably should, but nothing thrills me like the acquisition of a book. I think he is afraid the books will fall on him someday.

    • TCFKAG

      You don’t just stick your books on whatever bookshelf is closest to wherever you were reading last?

      This is why the Kindle was made for me. I’m a mess.

      • Equity's Darling

        My current method is shoving my finished book it into whichever shelf seems to have the most space, or stacking the books on top of books that are neatly shelved. It’s a disaster. I spent 40 minutes looking for a book to lend to a friend, and then eventually gave up because I couldn’t find it anwhere in my bookshelves. FAIL.

        I also like e-readers, but then it makes it hard to share my books, so…regular books frequently win. Plus, I like how they feel and smell. New book smell is the best.

        • Ellen

          I got rid of all of my book’s when I took my apartement in the CITY. There realy is NO room for book’s. I still have the INTERNET, and I can get most thing’s by lookeing them up there. Also, who need’s book’s that do NOT have pocket part’s? The manageing partner has a few book’s at work, but our law liberry is so old, most thing’s date from the 1960’s and 1970’s before I was born!

          Thank GOD I am back in the city. I was goieing crazy workeing from HOME at Rosa’s even tho I did very littel with the BABY. Grandma Leyeh said I had a sniffel, so should NOT get to close to the baby, so I did NOT. INSTEAD, I worked out on the FITBIT, and walked alot with DAD monitoring my every step. I will NOT tell them I put on 3 pound’s between sitteing around and eateing MATZA’s and one CRUMBS muffin b/f Grandma Leyeh hid the boxes from me. FOOEY!

          Robert keep’s sending text’s and Ed’s freind has NOT yet called, so I will just wait to see what hapens. I had a very stringey steak with Myrna yesterday for my b-day. I did like the augrattin Potatoe’s tho. It will be stuck to my tuchus by noon, she say’s! DOUBEL FOOEY!

    • AIMS

      I set aside certain books by category – e.g., all cookbooks are on a shelf near my kitchen, together, since I am likely to use them at the same time/want to always know where they are. Travel books also.
      Everything else is by color and size. I think organizing books by color makes the shelves look less overwhelming and more purposeful. I try to get rid of cheap paperbacks (donate to library),but if I do keep a few, I throw those together in a group (mine are currently in a small basket on the shelf).

      • Marilla

        I do the same thing. When I merged book collections after getting married (we both have a ridiculous amount of books, although I’ve stopped buying most books and just get everything from the library, with the exception of a few cookbooks), we kept a similar system… each shelf, or cube (if you’re using an Ikea Expedit) is devoted to a specific category. E.g., all my history books are together but organized by region/era, all my political science/policy books next door to the same, same organization system… sometimes I’ll organize alphabetically within that but not always. Cookbooks are together, organized by type (e.g., all baking, all X cuisine, all weekday dinner). I used to have home decor books next to those, but now my cookbook collection has expanded and graduated to its own cabinet near the kitchen. I would put knitting books next to cookbooks.

        I’m not a fan of organizing books by colour — to me it makes a bookshelf look like it’s there to be pretty, and as if no one ever actually reads the books. I would find it hard to know where to find a book within that.

    • TO Lawyer

      I also organize by size – it makes things look neater I find. My cookbooks are in a cabinet in my kitchen (they only take up about half a shelf). I’ve given up keeping a lot of books though since I’ve moved around quite a bit in the last 8 years and it just wasn’t worth it to haul things I never keep.

      • TO Lawyer

        *haul things I never read.

        Also kudos on the morning workout! I recently entered into a buddy system with a friend, wherein we pay each other for missed workouts but I’m currently failing. I’m hopefully going to get one in tonight after work.

    • CKB

      I organize by subject & don’t really care how the bookshelf looks, as long as it’s relatively neat.

      And kudos on the morning workout. I didn’t even work out Saturday morning because of the weather! (I wasn’t going to run outside – just go to the local YMCA and couldn’t get up the motivation for it).

    • R in Boston

      I took advantage of a move to re-do all my books. Cookbooks go in a special bookshelf in my dining room (no room in the kitchen) organized by cuisine/how often I use them, work related books for me or my husband go on a bookshelf in the office organized mostly by usefulness, favorite books are on a small bookshelf in the bedroom, and all others are on a series of bookshelves in our living room organized by genre, then alpha by author last name. Organizing by author last name may have been the best thing I did when moving into our current place. I can find everything.

    • Quiche

      I just spend a week organizing my books-5 shelves worth after a lengthy purging process. I have a bookcase in the dinning room for all my cook books, 3 shelves in the second bedroom/computer room/library where I organized using a modified version of the Library of Congress system (have to put my ex-librarian skills to use somehow!), and then a bookcase in the bedroom with all my favorite books/series organized by author’s last name.

    • Jennifer

      Our main books are organized by author’s last name—although I group biographies with the author about whom it’s written, not by biographer’s last name. Anthologies are collected after Z, and are grouped roughly by theme. We have a largeish collection of literary journals, along with some art books, and those are in a different room.

      I have a lot of cookbooks and organize them by cooking method (grouping bread books) or cuisine (grouping Mexican cookbooks). But the shelf at eye level is comprised of my very favorite all-around books, so I don’t have to go hunting for them. I keep my cookbooks in the kitchen, which I’d highly recommend if you can grab 2 feet of wall space.

  10. Sister advice?

    I have been having a hard time dealing with my sister lately. She is super negative and only calls me to complain about something (we live in different states). A few weeks ago I was being unresponsive to her messages because I was busy and work, and she got mad at me for something small, and was generally acting crazed, to the point where I actually thought she might be drunk or on drugs, she was so worked up about something so small. I ended up telling her (as nicely as I could, no yelling) that I couldn’t deal with her calling me with her problems all the time. I told her that I have serious stress of my own, and that although I feel bad, I cannot be her sounding board for all of her problems because it gives me great stress. I know it’s not an optimal thing to have to say to your sister, but that’s where I was, at a breaking point. I would literally get a lump in my stomach whenever I saw her number come up on my phone, and try to make an excuse why I can’t talk (I’m in a meeting! sorry!). Anyway, she ceased all contact with me and it’s been a few weeks. I am fine to allow her to continue the silent treatment, because it is effectively what I asked for – for her not to dump her problems on me. Only trouble is, her birthday is coming up and I will need to reach out to her somehow for her birthday. I don’t want her to think that our issue is resolved and everything is back to normal, but I also don’t want to dig into it on her birthday, of all days. Any tips for how I can manage this gracefully?

    • Anon in NYC

      I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. What about just sending her a card in the mail. This way you don’t have to talk to her and risk falling back into the same pattern.

    • Northshore Been There

      Your post sounds exactly like me with one of my friends. It eventually ended the friendship, which is sad because I feel like it shouldn’t have had to come to that. Yet by the time things got to that point, it was such a relief. I just could no longer handle having several weekly calls during work hours with her in tears or on an angry rant. I miss my friend sometimes, but I also realize I was not in a situation that was good for me. It is not fair to you. I honestly feel really bad for my former friend–but it’s the way I would for anyone with an illness–because I came to see that she was someone who probably should have been pursuing professional counseling. It is really stressful when you want to be there for someone but you see that things are pushing well past normal “shoulder to cry on.” You shouldn’t be forced to listen to a continual stream of crazy rants, discussions of dealing with the aftermath of impulsive behavior, or constant anger or sorrow about any challenges faced. (And, for me at least, there was sometimes fear that the rant would be directed at me if I tried to present another perspective.)

      If this sounds like what you are experiencing, you are doing her a favor by cutting this off. She needs to focus where those energies will change things–and that may mean her taking a step back and finding a listener who is more equipped to manage. Obviously, it’s your sister. So you are in it for life–and it’s important she know that. But the conversation dynamic you describe isn’t doing either of you any favors. My best advice is to maybe email (so you don’t get sidetracked) and state that you are concerned for her but that the conversations you have been having with her are causing you great stress with all of your worry for her. Perhaps you can remind her that you care for her deeply and that it is hard because you feel like you just aren’t able to offer her the advice she needs. This may then allow a transition into “perhaps it would be good to speak with someone who has more insight and can offer better strategies like maybe a counselor or life coach or something?” That way you steer her toward help without too much stigma (hopefully). Honestly, it sounds like the problem isn’t so much between the two of you as it is with her needing to get some control over how she manages stress.

      After the email, treat the birthday as you would any other. If she tries to broach the topic wit hyou then, encourage a more private conversation later where you basically restate everything that was said in the email.

      It’s important that she see it’s not that her worries aren’t worth your time–it’s that her worries are not being managed the way that they need to be through these constant crisis calls.

    • Anon

      Why do you want someone like that in your life? Sister or not, sometimes, it’s helpful to abandon whatever dogma we’ve been told about family. Family is a title, and it doesn’t seem like your sister is earning the relationship.

      Aren’t you so much happier with her not bothering you with her problems and then being angry at you when you don’t drop everything to listen to her issues? She’s a narcissistic wretch and seriously, what does she add to your life? I wish people would be tougher about this stuff. This would curb some of the seriously jerky behavior that family members often get away with.

  11. Blonde Lawyer

    To troubled marriage – I posted a response at the end of the weekend thread. A lot of people probably missed your update which is why I am also posting my response here.

    I agree with the advice you have already received but I wanted to add one thing. I also caveat my advice by saying only do this is you know your child’s safety will not be jeopardized.

    You say you ask him to watch the child (who is his and yours) so that you can get individual counseling or otherwise take care of yourself and he refuses saying it is “your job.” I would stop asking and just leave him with the child. Do you really think he would leave the house and leave her home alone? Would he ignore her so badly that she could injure herself? Would he take his anger out on her physically? If yes, then don’t do it. If he will be whiny, sulky baby who will give her minimal supervision and no interaction, I say still do it. You need to take care of you.

    I’d start one evening when he is playing video games. I’d yell down the stair “baby is in the playpen, I’m running out for a half hour.” Then leave. Maybe even peek in the window in ten minutes to see if even came upstairs. If he ends up watching her, then try it while you are home.

    While he is playing video games say, I’m going to bed early tonight, here is baby, and then do it. Is he going to leave her in her playpen all night or will he put her to bed?

    Stop asking him to help and force him to help by leaving him no other choice. Do this to get just enough you time to build up the strength you need to leave him.

    • Anon for this

      My mother did this with success. Our culture is one where the men rarely lift a finger for cooking, cleaning or child raising. My mom would say “I’m going to x, there are cans of soup on the counter for you to heat up for the kids’ dinner.”

      Dad would yell after her “I’m not cooking for them. They are going to be hungry when you get home.” These were just threats. He always fed us, though he wasn’t happy about it. I was old enough to obviously remember this but I don’t remember being hurt or upset by his behavior. I thought it was funny that he had to cook which he hated and I loved that my mom made him do it. It is like how little kids laugh when someone gets injured. The more mad my dad got the funnier I thought it was.

      He was never abusive to my mom or the kids though. Just lazy.

  12. Meg Murry

    So you savvy ladies introduced me to unroll me and slice and now my email box is starting to get under control, so thank you! But does anyone know of something similar for text message subscriptions? I get good coupons on my phone from places like Target and Babies R Us, but they always come through at the most inconvenient times. Any way to get them rolled into one, or on a mobile friendly website? I’ve thought maybe there might be a way with Google Voice, but I haven’t played with it enough to see yet. Any suggestions for this service? Or if any of you are or know an app developer/webpage developer – this is one I want and would pay for!

  13. Gail the Goldfish

    I am attempting to move to another state. I’m a lawyer and am taking the new state’s bar this summer. I’m going to start applying to jobs before the bar in the hope someone might hire me prior to bar admission. In my cover letter, how do I address the fact that even though I currently practice solely in a very specific area of litigation, it was an area I stumbled into because of the economy when I graduated, and I would be perfectly happy doing much more general litigation? (or really, anything other than what I’ve been doing.) I’ve only been practicing this area of law for less than 2 years. And do I need to explain why I want to relocate?

    • O.

      I was also in the situation of switching from a specific area of litigation to general litigation, and moving (but within a state). I worked with a recruiter and she handled those questions initially. I didn’t submit cover letters. I was asked both questions at my interviews.

  14. Monday

    Sorry for yet another threadjack, but I’m just looking for any ideas.

    I was asked to do some outside work that is a bit below my skill level, but of interest to me for career reasons. The original compensation they quoted was way too low, so I said I probably couldn’t take it due to that, and then they asked me to name a rate I could accept. I gave a number I thought would be a huge stretch for them, expecting them to either say forget it or offer me something still significantly lower. Instead, 2 hours later I got an email saying we have a deal.

    Obviously I can’t go back and revise my request upward (though I wish I could, since who knew?) but is there anything else I can get out of this, since it looks like they lowballed their resources a lot when we first started negotiating? I do plan to ask for a particular title, basically just for my resume going forward, and perhaps to mention that I want to revisit my compensation in 6 months. Any other opportunities to do better in this situation? Thank you.

    • Meg Murry

      Outside work as in something along the lines of a second job or contracting? You should make clear whether that is W-2 or 1099, whether you will be covered under their workmans comp or if you need to carry your own, etc. Also is there any special software you would need to do the work (or even just the basics like Microsoft Office)? You could try to negotiate for that. You probably also want to negotiate payment terms (submit hours and they pay every week, 2 weeks or monthly?) so you don’t wind up in some kind of mess where they won’t pay until “project completion” and then keep tacking things on so the project is never complete (I’ve seen this happen, its really ugly and frustrating). Are they providing you office space, or will you be working out of your home? Do they have any requirements as to your availability to them, or how often you need to physically go to their office?

      If its a full-time gig instead of secondary, negotiate for vacation/holidays/PTO. I still kick myself that when I moved posititions I never negotiate for more PTO, or even the option for unpaid time off – money is nice, but you can never have too much vacation, in my book.

  15. Bridal Newbie

    I’m so embarrassed about my lack of knowledge in all things wedding etiquette. I come from a small family on both sides, and so I don’t have any memories of wedding events other than when I was pretty young. The first of my friends is about to get married, and I was invited to the bridal shower. Do I purchase my gift from her bridal registry? My mom said that was supposed to be for the wedding only. I feel weird asking any of my friends IRL since I really should know this stuff by now.

    • Marilla

      You can, but you don’t have to. I usually buy from the bridal registry, because it’s easy for the couple to return or switch for something else (or store credit to buy something they truly want, e.g. a set of china). For close friends I might do something different for the bridal shower, and then registry/cash for the wedding. I received a mix of registry and off-registry gifts for my shower, and I really love and use a lot of the non-registry gifts I received from good friends. I received a lot of cute baking stuff I wouldn’t have asked for but that I really enjoy. So basically.. it’s up to you and it doesn’t really matter! If you’d like to spend some time shopping for something special, go ahead, if you want to go simple and practical, the registry’s there. :)

    • goldribbons

      I would say the less expensive stuff on the registries is for showers (under $100) and the more expensive stuff on the registries is for the wedding.

    • Anon

      I think it is fine to buy off the registry if you want to. I typically do one thing off the registry and then something else to go with it that was not on the registry. So for example, one of my friends had this fancy drink dispenser thing on her registry, so I bought that and then assembled a little kit to make a fun drink to put in the dispenser (alcohol + the requisite juice, etc.). Or another friend had bath towels on her registry so I got that and some fancy bath soaps to go along with it that were not on the registry.

    • Pippi

      Where I’m from, you give an actual gift for the shower (from the registry usually, but you can pick something else our or give a card with money) and then give a card with money in it for the actual wedding. People usually have a box for cards at the reception and then there are a few lonely packages sitting beside it.

    • Bride to Be

      Get her something small from her registry (chip and dip plate, picture frame, etc). Better than her having to deal with something she may not want, when she’s picket out a ton of things she does want.

    • I don't know either

      So would a wedding guest then buy TWO gifts – one for the shower and one for the wedding?

      • Cactus

        Yes. The shower gift is typically smaller / less expensive. But not every wedding guest is also invited to a shower.

      • anon anon anon

        This seems to be somewhat regional too. In the smaller (less-well-off families) weddings in my Southeastern U.S. circle, we just go with one gift. It’s either at a shower or at the wedding. The few exceptions I’ve seen have been for when you get someone a specific kind of shower gift, like lingerie, then also do a wedding gift.

        • Sweet as Soda Pop

          Same here. I learned that if you got a couple a shower gift, you weren’t obligated to also get a wedding gift. This from my very etiquette-knowledgeable mother, in a rural, less well-off area of the southeast.

        • Cactus

          Interesting. I’ve lived on the East and West coasts; in both regions the custom is to give a smaller gift for the shower (if invited) and a “regular” gift for the wedding.

          • ac

            midwest here, and that’s also my experience. i usually get a ~$50 gift from the registry for shower, then a check or larger gift from the registry for the wedding gift.

          • Bizzyb

            I think the socioeconomic status matters. Most of the wedding gifts or shower gifts for my wedding were in the range of $20-30, and that’s for a couple or family. Adding another gift would be stretching it.

      • Anon

        Yes. I typically give a gift off the registry at the shower and then cash at the wedding.

    • Ashley

      I would purchase the gift from the bridal registry, or give cash. I would not buy a “random” gift that isn’t on the registry.

  16. Diana Barry

    So…jeans for weekend wear. What do you ladies wear when NOT wearing skinny jeans? I have a pair of J Crew “matchstick” jeans from a few years ago, but they are really comfy = way too big, probably 2 sizes too big at this point. I should get a smaller pair, but are there other straight leg ones that I should try? Or should I get bootcut ones? I have multiple pairs of skinnies, so would like something else.

    • Cb

      I bought a pair of Gap’s (ridiculously named) sexy bootcut. I’m not a huge jeans person (they’re the only ones I own) but they are comfy / cute. Slightly cropped and look cute with boots or sneakers.

    • SAlit-a-gator

      I like JAG Jeans – dark wash, straight leg, perfect for any occasion. Plust they are cut\ high enough on top to hide my tummy, but not be too grandma looking. Best of both worlds.

    • AIMS

      I’m getting really tired of skinny jeans lately. I kind of want a pair of wide leg ones.

      I also like the idea of ankle length jeans for spring/summer and every summer I want to get a pair of white jeans, though inevitably I get discouraged looking for the “perfect ones” and give up thwe quest until the next year.

    • wintergreen126

      I’m a big fan of the jcrew matchstick, too. I recently picked up a newer pair, and…it’s not the same as the older one I have. A little stretchier, a little tighter. I’ll still give them plenty of use, but, well, I really wish they were the same as before. Oh, well.

      But I have a pair of straight leg jeans from the Loft that I like a lot. It was at a great price, it fits well, and it’s really comfortable. It’s not anything fancy, but it’s perfect for the weekend. And I agree with Cb: Gap’s sexy bootcut is pretty good, too.

    • SoCalAtty

      I have 2 pairs of the Wrangler “Aura” that I love, and I have an assortment of Lucky bootcut jeans.

      Costco sometimes has the Lucky jeans, which is great! You just have to time it right.

    • Senior Attorney

      I have been living in my Gap Sexy Boyfriend jeans on weekends for months. I sized up a size to get a slouchier fit and they are so comfy! I roll the legs up a couple of times and they are the perfect casual jeans look.

      And also? Slouchy is the new skinny so those too-big skinnies may still be wearable. Just sayin’.

      • Hollis Doyle

        I was just going to say the same thing about slouchy jeans. Could you just roll them up to make them look like the boyfriend slouchy jeans that are “all the rage” with the cool kids these days?

  17. a passion for fashion

    oh man — that thing that was happening to others over the past few weeks is happening to me now — im stuck at 25 comments at 10:30 am (ET). Can someone remind me how one fixes this?

  18. EmilyD

    I am going to Paris next week (!) and would love to know your recommendations about what to do/eat … specifically about restaurants that aren’t too pricey/don’t require a reservation (we are low-maintenance diners), and also what to do on Sunday when everything’s closed! We’re staying near the Opera Garnier.

    Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

    • Anon in NYC

      Eat: Le Petit Pontoisse (so delicious. very close to Notre Dame), Chez Omar (couscous in the 3eme and very close to the Promenade Plantee – similar to the NYC Highline), and L’As du fallafel (falafel in the 4eme – in my opinion, I haven’t yet had better falafel in the U.S.)

      Walk around Rue Cler in the 7eme (very close to the Eiffel Tower) and pick up stuff for a picnic, crepes, or just a casual meal.

      Have fun! I’m so jealous.

    • AIMS

      Download the Time Out Paris app – it’s free and has lots of suggestions of what to drink and eat by neighborhood.

      Make sure you go to the market and get fresh bread and cheese for lunches in the park – so my favorite thing to do.

      Definitely try the falafel in the Marais, it’s so delicious and not expensive (the Marais is good to explore on a Sunday, btw).

      For museums, Musee D’Orsay, the Louvre, and the Rodin museum are my favorites. If don’t want to pay full admission to go to the Rodin, you can just pay a euro to wander around the beautiful garden, it should fantastic right about now (and it has some amazing statues, inc. the Thinker).

      If you want to go to Versaille, take the better part of the day – don’t rush.

      Get acquinted with the subway – Paris is spread out so it’s the easiest way to get places.

      Oh, and I highly recommend just getting lost, wandering the streets, and getting some inexpensive Rose to drink in between.

    • Leigh

      Versailles is not closed on Sunday, so we did that along with some other sightseeing (Notre Dame, Arc de Triomphe, Champs Elysees etc.). Versailles was busy when we were there; I’m not sure if that was due to it being one of the only ‘big’ things to do on Sunday, or just due to the time we were there. For what it’s worth, we were there two weeks ago yesterday.

    • ss

      For Sunday : if you like flea markets, you’ll enjoy the big one at Clignancourt or try the smaller one at Vanves. Pretty much all museums will be open (and closed on Mon/Tue depending on whether they are operated by the state or the city). Shops in the Marais will be open as well although a bit of a zoo. There’s also a big all-day brunch/ strolling/ people-watching scene around the Canal St Martin if the weather’s nice. Safe and happy travels !

    • wintergreen126

      I agree with AIMS, I loved the Louvre, the Rodin, and the Musee D’Orsay. The last one I know for sure is open on Sundays. The Louvre is great, but it’s exhausting; it’s so big and there is a lot to see. Also, as far as museums, Musee de l’Orangerie is lovely if you like impressionism. It houses 8 full panels of Monet’s Water Lilly series.

      Les Deux Magots is a tad touristy, but it’s pretty solid (if a little overpriced), but it’s a great place to people watch!

      Also, check out the pharmacies, if you get a chance. They’re are full of all sorts of goodies, including beauty products that either aren’t available in the US or are far more expensive.

      Have fun!!

    • Orangerie

      Food:
      If you have time, definitely check out some of the fancy dessert shops: Pierre Herme, Ladurée and Angelina.

      Second all the recommendations for l’As du Falafel in the Marais… it is the best falafel I’ve ever had. Au P’tit Grec close to Place Monge has some amazing (and cheap!) savory meal-sized crepes.

      For lunch one day, you could go to a farmer’s market (Rue Cler is my favorite) and get fruit, cheese, bread and wine for a picnic.

      Museums:
      The Musée de l’Orangerie is my absolute favorite place in Paris. If you don’t want to spend an entire day in the Louvre, I’d recommend going to see the glass pyramid, and then taking a nice stroll through the Jardin des Tuileries and ending at l’Orangerie.

      After l’Orangerie, I’d prioritize the Musée d’Orsay over the Louvre, and then the Centre Georges Pompidou if you like modern art. The area around the Pompidou is also a fun place to expore.

      Other:
      Since you are staying near the Opera, try to pop into Galleries Lafayette just for a look. It’s breathtaking!

      If you are interested in going to the top of any monuments, Sunday might be a good day to do so.

      Check out the Jardin du Luxembourg if you have time. It’s a beautiful, large park walking distance from cute neighborhoods (Odeon & Sorbonne). The French senate building is also housed here.

      Have fun!!!

      • EmilyD

        Wow, thanks, everybody! This really is the best place for advice on just about anything. The Time Out Paris app is a fabulous idea.

  19. hellskitchen

    Any resources for a low-carb vegetarian diet? I need to watch my carb and sugar intake for a few months but being vegetarian I am at a loss for ideas. I don’t want to make frittatas for every meal. Any blogs or recipes that you all recommend? Thanks!

    • darjeeling

      back in college when the Zone was the hot diet I got the Soy Zone book which is basically low-carb for vegetarians. It wasn’t the most fun way to eat but the recipes were really easy.

      • hellskitchen

        ooh, coconut, chickpeas and lemon are three of my favorite ingredients. I am tired of my limited repertoire of chickpea dishes so this could be a great change. Thanks TO Lawyer

      • Jules

        I started using this recipe after it was posted here before (by TO Lawyer? If so, thanks!) and have made it for guests, it’s really good. I chop sweet potatoes and put them right in the stew (if I’m really in a rush I use the canned kind — with no syrup, natch — and put them in just long enough to warm. But it would be good without carbs at all.

        Also try roasted chickpeas, which were discussed here recently. Basically, toss a couple of cans of rinsed and drained chickpeas with a little olive oil and seasonings (cajun, garlic salt, lemon pepper, whatever you like – I used spike) and spread on a cookie sheet; toast in a 400-425 oven for 20 minutes or so, stirring every now and then. Really good crunchy snack.

    • Equity's Darling

      I haven’t done it, but another blog I read, No Meat Athlete, recently did a series of posts on paleo vegetarianism. I’m not into the paleo thing (I aim for veganism, and if I added in paleo, my food options would just be way too restricted for my taste), but, from what I understand it is low in starches/sugars?

      http://www.nomeatathlete.com/vegetarian-paleo-diet/

      http://www.nomeatathlete.com/paleo-vegetarian-8-weeks/

      http://www.nomeatathlete.com/paleo-diet-vegetarian-q-and-a/

    • Anon in NYC

      I’ve reduced my carb intake over the past few years, and while I don’t have a good one-stop resource, I just modify recipes as appropriate. If you find a recipe, I would try to substitute beans, lentils, or cauliflower “rice” for the carbs. To make cauliflower rice, pulse the florets in a food processor until they’re the size of rice kernels. They can be added to a stir fry to provide some bulk. This also works great with Indian food, where I always feel like I need to eat all the bread and all the rice. I keep meaning to experiment with toasting the cauliflower rice in the oven so that there is a greater textural contrast with the stir fry. Also, you can make cauliflower “mashed potatoes”, where you steam or boil the cauliflower until it’s soft enough to puree/mash. Then you can serve it with your protein source.

      Sometimes I will get a craving for something like spaghetti and meatballs. My solution is to make the meatballs with tomato sauce, and eat it on a plate with a huge pile of roasted vegetables, so I still get the comfort element that I’m craving but I don’t eat a huge bowl of pasta. I bet you could accomplish something very similar by warming lentils or chickpeas (or any other bean) in tomato sauce.

      • Anon in NYC

        Also, check out skinnytaste DOT com. Today she’s featuring a fiesta bean salad that seems really simply but flavorful. Black beans, chickpeas, tomatoes, herbs, onions, lime, avocado.

      • hellskitchen

        I eat a lot of bread and rice too so this is a great trick. I have never tried using cauliflower as a filler (?) but I do like cauliflower and have exactly 2 recipes in which I can use it so this is a neat trick. Thanks!

    • layered bob

      I try to be a low-carb vegetarian as well. It is particularly hard because unfermented soy is quite unhealthy, and I shy away from too much gluten, so my protein options are limited: dairy/eggs, beans, tofu.

      I basically plan all my meals around the protein. Say, eggs and dairy at breakfast, beans at lunch, tofu at dinner. Add greens, which go well with many bean dishes. Add whatever other ingredients will make the protein interesting.

      I eat a lot of normal vegetarian things without the main starch – so, stir fry or dal but no rice, falafel with hummus and yogurt but no pita, etc.

    • girlinpursuit

      Black Bean and Cilantro Pesto Wraps – My housemate made this dish for us last week, and it was a huge hit – delicious, refreshing, and very filling. I replaced the flour tortilla with two small corn tortillas, but when we made it a second time this weekend, we used lettuce leaves as wraps – also very tasty!

      FYI the author of this site writes in large font on the photos of recipes, and he’s not afraid of using NSFW language in his descriptions of foods he likes. It’s humorous, but also worth noting who’s around before you click the link.

      http://bit.ly/XzsVwG

    • TO Lawyer

      Also I can’t believe I forgot this – check out thugkitchen.com (if you don’t have a problem with profanity). There are a lot of healthy vegetarian recipes and it is the funniest cooking website I have ever seen

    • hellskitchen

      Thank you ladies, these are all great sites and recipes. I am going to check these out and hopefully do a diet overhaul.

  20. Pediatricians in NYC?

    Moms in NYC, do you have a pediatrician in NYC that you would recommend? I go to Spring ObGyn and they have given me a list of pediatricians but I don’t know where to begin to choose one. I am looking for one somewhere on the west side (upper, midtown, downtown) or midtown east. If you could share your recommendation and tell me what you like about your pediatrician (solo practitioner v/s multiple doctors, ease of scheduling etc) I’d be very grateful. Thank you ladies

    • AIMS

      I’m not a mom, but a very good family friend has been going to Dr. Michael Levi in the Apthorp Building on the UWS for years. Absolutely loves him and the office because they always make themselves available above and beyond reg. office hours. http://www.pedsny.com/bio_levi.html

      • OP

        They have a big practice which I like because it means I can call another doctor if my pediatrician is not available. Thanks

    • Soho Pediatrics

      I really like all of the doctors there, and appointments are very easy to schedule with little wait time.

      • OP

        Thanks – do you have any tips on what questions to ask before you settle on a pediatrician? Do you check out a few before you settle upon one?

      • hellskitchen

        Thanks! Same questions as above – how did you know this was the right pediatrician for you?

  21. Regular Poster Anon for this

    I’m pretty sure I’m pregnant. I’m a few days late and my breasts are very sore. I went off the pill last month and expected this would take a while, but apparently it did not. I’m currently not insured, but I’m starting a new job with full benefits next week.

    Is there any way I can be denied coverage because I’m going to be pregnant at the time I begin the coverage?

    I know I possibly won’t be eligible for paid maternity leave because it will be less than a year when it happens, and I know short-term disability insurance has been discussed on here. Will I be eligible to purchase that even though I am already pregnant? Am I better off just putting aside what I would spend on that for when I’m possibly without pay?

    I’m very nervous about all of this, and I’d prefer not telling the HR person when I start next week.

    • Mpls

      Why in the world would you tell HR? It’s still a maybe at this point – you think, but you haven’t confirmed. You wouldn’t even normally tell work for another 12 weeks. Go to work, get signed up for coverage, get your insurance card and THEN go to the doctor to get your confirmation.

      Its not a pre-existing condition if you haven’t been diagnosed yet, right?

      (Disclaimer, I do not work in health insurance)

      • Regular Poster Anon for this

        I don’t want to tell HR, but I want to make informed choices regarding coverage given that for the first time in my life, I’m going to actually need a significant amount of medical care. Its pretty confusing for a lay person.

        Also, no, its not “diagnosed” but at some point, someone’s going to know when it happened (“What was the first day of your last period?”)

        • Mpls

          Have you had continuous coverage up to this point? If you’ve had no more than 60 days of gap in coverage, you wouldn’t get dinged for pre-existing conditions under the old rules (ACA may have changed some of that for the better).

          As it stands, it looks like HIPPA explicitly prohibits considering pregnancy a pre-existing condition for medical coverage. http://www.dol.gov/ebsa/faqs/faq_consumer_hipaa.html

          You could ask your HR person about how coverage for pregnancy works for the plan in general, or go the the insurance provider directly and ask them.

    • S

      I switched jobs when pregnant and had no issues with the new job’s insurance covering everything, but I was going from one insurance to another – not uninsured to insured. I’m not sure how that changes. It might be worth finding out what insurance company your new job will use and contacting them directly just to ask them, in the context of hypothetical/anonymous curiosity.

    • DAR

      Regular poster anon for this: Don’t tell HR. Don’t go to your doctor/any doctor/any clinic until you are sure that your insurance is in place. Don’t tell the doctor when you “thought” you might be pregnant. Just keep mum on everything. Not an expert but I think you could be denied coverage for the pregnancy and birth if you are “diagnosed” or “confirmed” pregnant by a doctor before you are insured. It’s very common for women not to know that they are pregnant right away so it probably won’t be questioned.

      i don’t ordinarily like to fudge the truth but the insurance system is broken and while i don’t like Obamacare, somethings have to change. Perhaps under obamacare, pre-existing conditions are gone but i’m not totally sure.

    • Anon

      Have you taken a test yet? I went off the pill for a bit, and it took a while for my cycle to get back to normal. And my breasts were very sore. I was convinced I was having an early miscarriage at one point because my period was so different than it had been in the past. Thankfully, I was never pregnant, and the doctor explained that going off of the pill can lead to some unpleasant symptoms while your body readjusts.

      • Regular Poster Anon for this

        Thanks for all of the advice. I haven’t and won’t go to a doctor until I have the insurance in place. I was uninsured for more than 60 days.

        I haven’t taken a test, although I have one in a drawer at home. I’m waiting until I’m a few more days late. It could be breast tenderness and later period from being off the pill, but they are noticeably fuller and quite sore and I’m 4 days late and there’s no sign of it.

        It seems like I can’t actually be denied coverage based on HIPAA, which made it so that pregnancy is not a pre-existing condition. But, there are loopholes, such as if the new insurance is not a group plan or if the new insurance doesn’t cover pregnancy. I’m hoping neither of these exceptions apply. I will need to eventually find out what the companies maternity policies are, but ideally, I’d wait until I’ve been there for 4 months.

        Of course, I realize all of this is jumping the gun since it could end up being nothing. I’m just nervous and don’t want to talk to anyone I “know” yet.

    • lucy stone

      Don’t tell HR. If you need to choose between multiple plans, just ask which one is best for a family or what most people with families pick.

  22. Aria

    I’m going to the college graduation of my boyfriend’s sister, who I’ve only met once before. He’s getting her a fairly nice gift — do I also need to get something for her? If so, what would be appropriate, especially since I barely know her? Also, what is the appropriate attire for this in Texas? BF says he’s wearing a suit, which sounds a bit overdressed to me since my college graduation was outside, but I’ve also been out of college long enough to have totally forgotten what people wore. TIA!

    • TO Lawyer

      I would maybe get something small – Hallmark has like congratulations teddy bears and such that are really cute. And I would wear a nice dress – for my sister’s graduation, I wore a nice silky colour-blocked dress with heels (and a cardigan but it was hot and outside so I just held that). It seemed to fit in with attire of other attendees (and my dad wore a suit).

    • CBM

      I would think you could give a joint gift. And for outfits, I think a sundress would be perfect no matter what the dress code.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      I’d get her a nice card and a Starbucks gift card. If you guys have been dating long enough that you could sign his gift as from both of you, I’d do that, but otherwise I’d just get her something on your own.

      And I’d wear a nice sundress and a cardigan. BF may be wearing a suit since there will be family pictures (and of course, I’d offer to take the photos/not assume I’d be in them!)

  23. Anon

    My ex-husband tells me that last fall he inadvertantly overpaid me in child support. It was a lump sum situation, and I relied on his calculations at the time. He is probably right that he did overpay in the amount of $1000 or more. (He’s provided me his justifications for this – I’m still reviewing.)

    My state law says people generally can’t recover overpayments in child support. I suspect he knows this, but he has asked me to return the money. Things are tight for me right now, but I could conceivably swing it. Things are also very tight for him since he’s realized he made a serious mistakes in assessing his tax situation over the course of the year and owes the IRS more than he thought. Of course, he’s made some significant frivolous purchases prior to finding this out.

    So moral/ethical/practical dilemma: even though I’m not obligated and even though it would be somewhat of a burden to me and my children, do I write him a check? I’m considering doing this since I’d just like to keep the peace for the sake of our children. On the other hand, this is just one of the many reasons we divorced and I don’t want to be an enabler for his poor planning and decision making anymore. What would you do?

    • Anon

      In your shoes, I would return the money, for the reasons you stated. In your shoes, I would also NEVER rely on his calculations for anything, at any time – also for the reasons you stated.

    • Anon

      I would return it, but if it is a hardship, maybe try to work out a payment plan so you do half now and half in a couple of months or a monthly payment over 6 months, or whatever would make it more manageable for you.

    • Anon in NYC

      First, I’d figure out if he actually did overpay you before agreeing to anything.

      Second, you might want to considering speaking with your lawyer about the implications of agreeing to pay him back. What happens if this becomes a recurring problem? Does this modify your child support agreements? How can you rely on his estimates going forward? (Note – I am not a family lawyer, so these might not be relevant questions).

      Third, if he did overpay you and solely for the sake of keeping the peace, I agree with the previous Anon that I would try to work out a payment plan. But I would also tell him that this is a hardship on you and your kids, and that if this happens again in the future that you might not be in a financial position to help him.

    • kc esq

      If you do decide to pay him, don’t commit to anything specific ($x by y date) before you do, especially not in writing (including text or email). Just tell him something like you’ll do what you can and send a check that you are comfortable writing.

    • Senior Attorney

      The very most I would do, if I were not legally obligated to repay it and if there were indeed aqn overpayment, is split the difference with him and pay back half. And I would make it clear I was doing it only to keep the peace and the he was lucky I didn’t decide to rely on my right under the law to keep any overpayment.

      • Bewitched

        I’d pay him back-although on my own timetable as people have suggested. It’s not your money. We’ve had many discussions here about whether you should return to a store if they undercharged you or did not charge you for an item-most people say you should-if you would do that for a store, why not someone who you will be interacting with until your children are adults? Not to mention, I do think it’s the better example for your children.

        • OP Anon

          Not that I don’t agree with you about paying him back (I am going to), but I think being given more in child support than has been ordered is very different than being undercharged at a store. According to the law, it became my money when he gave it to me to pay for things the children need. And, in fact, that’s exactly what I did with the money.

          I pay for all of the children’s expenses, and the child support he pays is the statutory minimum, so I most definitely pay more when it comes to raising the children. My point is, the “overpayment” is an overpayment in a technical sense, but every month he is actually paying far less than half of what it takes to raise the children.

          Also, I have never and will never breath a word regarding child support to my children. There will be no example to be set for anyone, even though I am going to do the “right” thing.

          Sorry for the rant. I know what I am going to do, but it still pisses me off!

          • carla

            you are a good person in a trying situation! Good on you that this guy is the EX, too much drama!

  24. recent grad

    Sunscreen help – I still have yet to find a great sunscreen, and today’s (finally) sunny weather prompted me to ask the hive. I have super-sensitive, pale skin and am on medication that makes me very sensitive to the sun. I am looking for something that I can wear every day (maybe also as a moisturizer) and something that I can wear to the beach. Any recommendations would be great! Thanks.

    • anooooon

      joise maran daily moisturizer spf 40! I am allergic to one of the chemical sunscreen ingredients, and this only has physical sunblocks (zinc, titanium dioxide). love it.

    • Mary Ann Singleton

      I love the Kinesys sunscreen (but not for the face). I’m a fair-skinned, sensitive-skin cyclist and I don’t burn when I wear it, even after 8 hours out in the blazing sun.

    • eek

      If you’re looking for a facial sunscreen, I have been very pleased with Clinique’s CityBlock. It doesn’t make my face break out or itch.

      • lucy stone

        I also like this for the face and wear it daily in the summertime. For body I’ve had the best luck with Neutrogena.

  25. Long Cardigans -- can you hem / alter

    I have some cardigans that are long (cr0tch length). They are a bit matronly (OK, a lot, but good during the years of being pregnant / pumping / in-between sizes). I could belt them to give them a bit more shape, but what about getting them altered (so shortened, even though the ribbing at the bottom would be gone) and otherwise shaped?

    Of course, they are all cashmere (so having major sunk-cost issues), but they wear beautifully and I otherwise need cardigans (or some sort of jacket) in my office on a daily basis, even in the heat of summer. Or re-buy over time in current size (or a bit of both)?

    • Nousha

      I think the length is fine and there is no need to make them shorter, but altered them tight might be a good idea, with adding a belt and printed blouse or shirt you will have a beautiful set. I created outfit sets in my blog that use belts on top of cardigans.

    • Nonny

      Altering cardigans is quite different than other clothing because you are dealing with knitwear. Knitwear generally doesn’t shorten well in the manner you have described (if you just cut it, it would unravel), and may not look right unless you actually re-finish it, which would require finding someone to match the yarn, unravel the part of the sweater you no longer want, and re-finish it (assuming it was knit top-down to begin with – if it was knit from the bottom, refinishing the ribbed edge is darn near impossible) – and we are talking lots and lots of money there.

      Having said that, one somewhat cheaper option would be to cut the cardigan to roughly the desired length, cut off the ribbed edge from the waste piece, and re-sew the ribbed edge to the new bottom of the cardigan. That would get you the length you want but still result in a properly finished edge. I’m not saying it would be perfect, but it is something you can try.

      One thing you should be careful of is that there is inherent stretch to knitwear, which could be lost if you sew an edge. So if you do decide to simply cut, turn under and sew in order to finish the bottom, you may want to sew on a slight stretch.

      Another option could be to bind the cut edge with fabric in a like or contrasting colour – e.g. cover the cut edge of a red cardigan with red or black velvet – and then sew that on. This option would have the benefit of finishing your edge nicely and looking “deliberate”, whereas simply turning and sewing the bottom of a cut sweater could look really messy.

      • OP

        Thanks! Maybe I will also try some aggressive hot-water washing in the machine. I think that the current shape is OK for weekend wear, but I am going to try belting one for the time being at work. With the money I save on ill-advised tailoring, maybe I can replace one a season in my as-of-today size / shape.

  26. Nousha

    It’s a beautiful very feminine jacket! and because of the color combination I can match it with many colors even bright colors just to create a unique set. (maybe coral or light blue tops)!

  27. anon for this

    I just got fired. I’m at a loss for words now, not sure what to do. Financially I’m fine, my profession has strong demand, and I’ve got six weeks severance. It’s just so strange to be at home on a Monday morning for this reason.

    • DAR

      Oh, i’m so sorry. Getting fired sucks. Good for you to keep the positive thoughts in place.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      I’m so sorry. Go home and crawl into bed with coffee (or booze). But before you do, make sure you document whatever they said via email (“Hi Bob, I was disappointed to hear this morning that Company is letting me go. I just want to summarize the substance of our discussion. My last day of work is today, April 8, and Company will provide six weeks in severance benefits including full pay and health insurance.” The written record will help you and them in what I’m sure has been a haze of a day for you.

      So sorry — I hope you can find another job quickly!

    • moss

      Fired? Or laid off? There’s a difference & you should not say you were fired if you really weren’t. I’ve been laid off twice, it was devastating both times, but I am in a way better place now than I would have been if I had remained.

    • wintergreen126

      I’m so sorry! But good to hear that your profession is in demand–hopefully, you’ll find another position soon. I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed for you!

    • brant

      I’m so sorry. I’ve never been in your shoes, but if you want to make lemonaide out of lemons, maybe you can get in some super hardcore angry exercise in today. Or just wallow on the couch. I’d probably do the latter but hey.

    • Anon

      I posted awhile ago about being laid off. I’m in a way better position, 6 weeks later. Hang in there.

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