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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 249 Comments · by

Holiday Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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perfect chambray ex-boyfriend shirt in ferrous washSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. Happy Fourth of July, everyone! I'm kind of loving these ex-boyfriend shirts from Madewell — I like the long length, the oversized nature, and the laid back nature. I could see it looking cool with skinny capris, worn open with a tank over short shorts, or even knotted at the waist and worn with a pencil skirt. It's $69.50 at Madewell (which is offering 30% off all sale styles with code HAPPY4TH — don't forget to check out the rest of our July Fourth sale round up!). Perfect Chambray Ex-Boyfriend Shirt P.S. We will hopefully be doing some more behind-the-scenes site maintenance this weekend — please bear with us. (L-2) Update: As mentioned, we're missing about 25 (maybe more) comments from late 7/3 into midday 7/4 that were made while we were moving servers. I can't restore them to the thread, but I went back and took screenshots of the entire thread and PDFed it. (And yes, next time I'll just put up a splash page instead and redirect everyone to the emergency blogspot blog. Thank you to everyone for your patience with this.)

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Comments

  2. SF chic

    Hanky pankies!

    So is it the time to get some with the Nordstrom’s sale coming? I think I remember posters mentioning this in the past. But it seems they only put the odd colors/style on sale?

    Is there a place to get the simple thongs or boyshorts in nude (is that the Chai color?) and black at a cheaper price?

    • preg anon

      Those don’t go on sale very often, to be honest. Mine are all a collection of hot pink, bright blue, etc. because those are the ones that frequently go on sale. I do have some nude ones that I got on Rue La La but they are not the original lace one, which is my favorite style. They are low rise and not all lace. I still like them, just not as much as the other ones.

      • SF chic

        Thanks for this info – it is helpful. So maybe I wont wait for sales that will never happen…

        • elz

          Try 6pm dot com, they usually have a variety on sale on a pretty regular basis. Also Bare Neccessities has them on sale every few months or so.

        • NYC

          Not to mess with you, but I got some nude ones (the retro style) at the NAS last year…

    • Merabella

      I just got some Victoria’s Secret the Lacie panties – which are a knock off of the Hanky Pankies. I absolutely love them. They are significantly cheaper for anyone on the look out for a deal.

      • Nonny

        I got a couple of pairs of these before I knew about Hanky Pankies. I still wear the VS ones, but now that I have both kinds, honestly the Hanky Pankies win, hands down.

    • Bonnie

      Many colors were on sale at last year’s Nordie’s sale. I think neutral colors were included.

    • anonypotamus

      From what I recall, last year, I think most of the colors were on sale during the NAS. Only a few colors are shown in the catalogue, but I suspect that there may be more colors available during the actual sale. I’m definitely stocking up!

  3. MH

    Random question about drinking:

    How much do people drink regularly? DH and I have been discussing this lately and are trying to figure out if we overconsume. Up until a couple weeks ago we were drinking about 5-6 days a week, about two drinks a night during the week and then more on Friday or Saturday night. At least one night a weekend we were drinking enough to get pretty buzzed, though neither of us get drunk. I mainly only drink wine and can put away a bottle to a bottle-and-a-half on one of these buzzed nights (over 5-6 hours). DH drinks whiskey, bourbon or scotch. We don’t go to bars — our drinking is done with meals or at dinner parties, or while we sit around at home watching movies/reading/etc.

    We recently decided to cut way back. DH is going cold turkey for two weeks just to prove he can. I’m trying to have no drinks during the week and drink only on Fridays and Saturdays. I have definitely noticed that I miss my glass of wine when I get home from work. Is that a “dependency” on alcohol that I should be concerned with?

    What is an “appropriate” amount to drink?

    • goldribbons

      What is appropriate? Whatever you’re comfortable with, as long as it isn’t interfering with your life.

      • Mpls

        And you can go without drinking if necessary.

        Dear Prudence (Slate dot com and Washington Post) had a related question in her Monday online chat on this topic.

        • Anonymous

          I generally agree, although the statement that your husband is going cold turkey for 2 weeks to prove he can raises a flag for me. My dad was an alcoholic and often quit for a month at a time to prove that he could. To me, if you have to make a point of proving to yourself that you can cut down/stop drinking or spend a lot of time thinking about how much you drink it might be a sign of a bigger issue.

          • Anonymous

            Being able to stop may or may not mean there is a problem. Can you enjoy and control your drinking? Are you a dry drunk without it?

      • Ellen

        Yay! Open thread’s!!! I love HOLIDAY open thread’s!!!!!

        For the OP, I think Drinkeing is some times viewed as an individeaual decision, but it REALLY has far bigger consequences when other peeople are INVOLVED. Hence it is not as simple as asking whatever work’s for YOU, but rather whatever works for ALL involved, which includes family and freind’s including in my case, a girlfreind.

        When I was dateing Alan, I alway’s tried to tell him to reduce his drinkeing, but he would never hear of it. He alway’s said that he could handle his liquor, and NOT to get into his face about it. Even after he vomited, he would STILL think he was a big drinker that could take it when he realy could NOT handel his booze or wine or even BEER! In reality, lookeing back, he was just a wimpy doosh who did NOT want to admit he was a drunk who could not handel his alchochol.

        Now that I am finaly free of him, I can spot a drunk a mile off, and know to veer off in the oposite direction whenever some doosh think’s he is all that and that I should be BEHOLDEN to him b/c he want’s to buy me a drink (or even dinner). If I even think a guy is a drinker, it is like he is a SMOKER, and it’s no way Hoze for me. I will leave those guys to the women who love to drink and wake up with smelley breath and a stinky guy on top of them. Not for me, no sir. I want a guy who does NOT drink, who does NOT smoke and who DOES have a steady job and who does wash the dishes after I make a good meal, and who is responsive to MY needs, both in and outside the apartement. I will marry such a person if he appear’s and wants children. Alan in retrospect was none of these, tho he did not smoke. He lost his job b/c of the drinkeing, but I still know he is out at the bars, and has a girlfreind who he is probabley cheating on, even tho he is nothing to speak of in bed.

        I think drinkeing is the WORST thing for peeople and women like us, who are profesional’s should alway’s be wary of guy’s who slither up to us in bars and restrunt’s and want to buy us drink’s or sliders. We want the real thing, not a drunk who just wants to slobber all over us in bed and then walk away. FOOEY on that! DOUBEL FOOEY!

        But enough about this. Dad and I are taking the 4:37 home tonite so I have to leave now b/c dad wants a good seat, away from the “honey can” (which is the toilet). This time of year, he says it stinks to high heven b/c of the peeople not flusheing or the LIRR not emptyeing the toilet’s but once a week. I don’t want to sit there either. That is a real FOOEY!

        So everyone have a safe weekend and have fun on the 4th of July! YAY!!!!!!

    • Anon

      I drink at home with my husband maybe one or two nights a week and then have 2 or 3 drinks out with friends about twice a week.

      I think an appropriate amount is an amount that doesn’t interfere with your life or your goals (e.g. calories keep you from losing weight, falling asleep on the couch keeps you from pursuing hobbies, hang-overs impact work). It’s also an amount that does not represent an attempt to medicate/mask/hide from something unpleasant like a job you hate, depression, social anxiety, a relationship that’s not working, etc.. So I think you have to look at both how much you drink and why you drink to answer your question.

    • Susie

      I don’t like beer or wine. I go out about once a month when I have about 2 cocktails. Coffee is my poison of choice!

    • Diana Barry

      Back in the day (in law school) I would drink about 3 times a week and about 4 drinks each time, so basic college/young person binge drinking. Then I stopped when I studied for the bar, and then again each time I was pregnant. I discovered I liked being a cheap drunk (so if I have 2 drinks, that is a lot and I am very happy/buzzy) so now I try to drink no more than once a week, MAYBE having a beer or a glass of wine (but only one) one day in the middle of the week.

    • LeChouette

      I echo what everyone else said though will add that alcohol dependency isn’t the only concern — I am a pretty moderate to heavy drinker myself and my doctor has expressed concern about my heightening my breast cancer risk (my mother had breast cancer) and suggested I try to keep it to no more than 5-7 drinks a week. So far I have failed to so (but am getting better!), but just reminding everyone that health is another reason to consider moderating more seriously.

      • MH

        I think this needs to be my main focus. I need to lose some weight anyway, and we’re thinking about having kids soon, so I want to be in good health. If I focus instead on cutting back for health reasons I think it will be more motivating than trying to conform to some random “appropriate” level of drinking.

      • Young Consultant

        I was recently honest with my doctor about how much I drink, and I have been having very bad heartburn for close to a year. My doctor basically told me that I need to stay under 6 drinks a week to avoid my ongoing GI issues, and that I am likely to loose about 15 pounds if I do this. I was successful for about 5 weeks until I went on vacation this week, and plan on going back to my less than 6 drinks plan after the holidays. I do feel better, and it ends up leaves times for other hobbies, but friends do like to go out for drinks (and so do I), so it has been a challenge for me.

    • Anonforthis

      I regularly (probably 4-7 nights per week) have 1-3 glasses of wine and I have the same concerns as you do. We’re TTC so right now I drink from when I get my period until I’ve ovulated and then don’t drink, but like you, I miss my nightly wine and go right back to it as soon as I get my period each month.

      • TBK

        FYI, my OB friend says you don’t need to do this. If you’re pregnant, you don’t share blood with the embryo until it implants, typically 10 days to two weeks after fertilization. So basically if you miss your period, yeah, stop drinking because you might be pregnant, but don’t worry about it otherwise.

        • preg anon

          Agreed. And otherwise it’ll be such a Thing if it takes a while to get pregnant (which I hope it doesn’t!). I just decided I didn’t want to not drink for a year or more if it came to that. You’re already kind of miserable and consumed with TTC, so giving up something that has such an impact on your life just makes it more in your face, especially since the research is that it doesn’t affect the fetus.

      • Anonforthis

        Thank you ladies! I kind of decided to do it mainly because like MH, I occasionally wonder if I drink too much, but it is good to have the reassurance that there is no pregnancy reason not to!

        • prudentsusan

          Maybe someone has addressed this (I haven’t read all the replies yet), but I am pretty health focused and I keep in mind the studies that show an increased risk of breast cancer with even one drink a night. Therefore, I try to have only one glass when I drink and keep it to less than every night. It’s hard when socializing and, on those occasions, I’ll have two+ but none for a couple of days before and after. (I know you don’t get to save it up and binge, but it’s still prudent to cut back after having more than one glass in an evening.)

    • S

      My husband doesn’t drink. When I was younger, I would go out with friends, hold dinner parties, or go on dates and drink most weekends. Once in a blue moon, I might have opened a bottle of wine and had a glass or two at home with someone I was dating or by myself. Now I drink maybe once every few months or so, mainly dinner with friends or vacation or business cocktail gathering–so not at home and even pretty limited socially. I don’t think it’s much of an issue other than not wanting to drag at all the next day (I keep a really busy schedule) or waste calories.

      I feel kind of weird even replying to this though. I think there is something kind of off about gauging your alcohol intake on what others do or don’t do. Like peer pressure/acceptance or something. Maybe it’s just me coming from a family with a lot of alcoholics in it, but if something is telling you that you may be overdoing it, I suspect you probably are.

    • long time lurker

      I drink 4 days a week usually. 2 of those days are one glass of wine with dinner or at one of the various work related cocktail receptions I go to, and the other two I do put it away over the course of i.e. cooking a very nice meal or out at a restaurant and then a nightcap at a bar, or during a weekend bbq. (We grill a lot, have people over etc) . I drink wine or the occasional beer if its hot out. I can drink a bottle of wine over the course of a long evening. I really can’t deal with being remotely hungover anymore because of work and I like to spend my weekends doing active things, so I drink a ton of water and stop before I feel more than slightly tipsy. The reason I don’t drink more than a glass of wine during the work week is it does mess with my sleep. I will wake up around 3 a.m. if I have more than a glass of wine. Weekends I sleep late so that is when I drink more.

      Sometimes I wonder if this is a lot but no negative effects on my life and I do enjoy the taste of wine and appreciate it.. I could probably drop a few lbs if I cut back, but I fit into all my clothes and am reasonably fit and happy with myself, so don’t see the need to.

    • TO Lawyer

      I love wine – I could totally leave other alcohol but I really do enjoy a glass of wine so I’m not willing to give it up. How much I drink depends on my plans I think – if I’m meeting a friend after work for dinner and/or drinks, 2-3 drinks is not uncommon. If I’m having a glass of wine at home after a long day, it’s usually just a glass.

      Unfortunately, there still are occasions where more excessive binge drinking occurs – usually on the weekends – probably 2-3 times a month depending.

    • JJ

      My husband and I probably drank the exact same amount as you a few years ago. I would wonder about it, as well, because on paper it sounded like a lot but it never interfered with our lives. For a long time, my husband traveled M-F and about once a week, I would drink a bottle of wine while watching TV at night over the course of a few hours. I wouldn’t get “drunk,” but I definitely felt the effects.

      I can tell you, after being pregnant and then having a child, our drinking has gone WAY down. Clearly, being pregnant meant I had to give it up pretty much cold turkey. My husband still drank while I was pregnant, but it’s different when it’s just him and it was probably one drink/glass 3X a week.

      I know everyone is different, but it was easy for me to give up alcohol once I was pregnant. I still (emotionally) missed splitting a bottle of wine over dinner with my husband, but I never felt any type of withdrawal. I’m pregnant now and will have the odd glass of wine here or there (clutch your pearls!), but it’s been the same this time around. And once you have kids, sometimes you’re even too exhausted to drink.

      TL;DR version: We did the same thing when it was the appropriate phase in our life. Now that we can’t drink that much anymore, we don’t. It’s totally up to you.

      • preg anon

        This is me exactly. We usually had one or two glass a night with dinner and more on the weekends. I could finish off a bottle by myself, particularly if we were grilling outside or had friends over. Once I got pregnant, it was easy to give up, so I’m really not worried that I was overdoing it or becoming dependent (although I did worry at the time).

        Also, like JJ, I still drink a small glass of wine every once in a while now that I’m pregnant.

    • NYNY

      DH and I have beer or wine with most dinners, but rarely have other drinks/drinking occasions. I’ll have 1 glass of wine or 1 beer, and he’ll have 1-2. If we’re at a party or out with friends, we may have more (2 for me, 3 for him), but it’s rare that we get drunk anymore.

      If you’re missing the glass of wine after work, it may be that the glass of wine is your signal that you’re home and can relax. If you really are concerned about drinking too much, then maybe you should think about other rituals to send your brain/body the same message.

      • JJ

        I agree completely that sometimes, missing that glass of wine or drink is probably because you miss the signal that it’s time to relax. It takes me a lot longer to unwind after a hard week when I know I’m coming home to a glass of water (or juice, whee!) on Friday night than when I know I can have a big glass of wine or vodka soda.

    • Anon for this

      Funny, this has been on my mind lately. DH and I used to be big drinkers (big party school, core group of friends are big drinkers, etc.). As we got older we slowed down, mostly because we couldn’t deal with the hangovers and work, but we still drank a fair bit. I recently started cutting back on my alcohol consumption for weight loss reasons, and DH just drinks less because I don’t drink that much. I don’t drink frequently (maybe 1-3x in a 2 week period), but what often winds up happening is that I’ll drink a lot (for me) in one sitting (like a cocktail and 2 glasses of wine, or roughly the equivalent of a bottle by myself), which sort of undoes the weight loss benefits. I have tried not drinking for a defined period of time and found that it was really hard. Not because I needed the alcohol, but because I missed the social aspect of it – having a glass of wine with my husband, or grabbing a drink with a friend. I have some friends who would want to go out for drinks and didn’t like the idea of “well, sure, I’ll hang out but I’m not going to drink.” I’m trying to limit my alcohol consumption to no more than 2-4 drinks per week (with the focus on the lower side, but accounting for social events and the like).

      As part of this whole process, I’ve found that I also have a more intuitive stopping point (that in my younger years I would just ignore). I make healthier food choices more often, because my buzz isn’t telling me to eat all the pizza. And as a positive effect of not drinking that much, I feel less sluggish, only get hangovers occasionally, and frequently schedule early workouts (like 6:30 am) because I know I’ll be able to wake up in the morning.

    • TBK

      I’m really interested in all the responses here. I come from a typical Boston hard-drinking Irish family. My husband comes from a teetotalling Southern Baptist family. In my family, 5:00pm is cocktail time and, in older relatives’ homes, the bar cabinet opens, and in middle-aged or younger relatives’ homes, the beer and wine comes out. Adults all have at least one and most often 2-3 drinks per evening, with sips given to children (teens get one glass of wine or beer of their own on holidays or at big family dinners). In my husband’s family, a daring uncle might break out a bottle of wine at a holiday dinner and this bottle might be split among 6-8 people, who each titter a little bit about how they’re DRINKING! My husband drank like a regular college kid in college and in law school, but pretty much doesn’t do the 1-2 drinks on a random night that I do. It’s a bit weird sometimes because I think he thinks I drink a lot when I feel like I hardly drink at all (I’ll have one glass of wine maybe 4 nights a week, and always a drink while watching Mad Men). We drink a bit more when we go out with friends — maybe as many as three in one night — but frankly the hangovers hit me much harder now that I’m older than they did when I was 22. But if I’ve had a rough week, I think nothing of saying “ugh! I need a drink!” and getting one. Then feeling much happier and relaxed after I’ve downed the first half glass. My husband feels like if he really wants a drink because of a bad week or whatever, he absolutely needs to not have one because that’s abusing alcohol. So very different approaches. (I always figure “meh, pretty much every human society has some drug it uses to get through the day — I’m not going to feel bad that mine is a glass of wine.”) Wow, now I’m really looking forward to getting home and having my after work drink!

    • S

      I think taking a break every so often – two weeks totally sober – is a good idea.

      • anne-on

        Nope, in my old job too. In fact, when we were TTC I would take a test before every business trip b/c i knew I’d be hosting cocktail receptions/dinners with clients and would be having a drink or two every night. Which led to my finding out I was newly pregnant right before a big work trip to the UK. Yeah, no heavy drinkers in my firm there….happily soda water and limes look just like a G&T. And I didn’t beat myself up over a few sips of a shandy or of a glass of wine before putting it aside just to avoid questions.

    • SoCalAtty

      I don’t really like wine or beer, and we never drink at home. We have a stock of drinks for when guests come over, but the only time I’ve opened anything at home is to put it in my slow cooker!

      About once a month we’ll go out with friends and I will have 1-2 drinks. Grey Goose vodka is my drink of choice, usually with cranberry or something else mixed in.

      I have a weird relationship with alcohol – my mom died from alcoholism, so I’m more careful than I need to be. One of my closest freinds fequently says, “SoCal, if you only drink once per month, I promise you you are not an alcoholic!”

      My real addictions? Lemons and salt.

    • M-C

      You should definitely be concerned. First, as everyone else is saying, the fact that you’re both making a point of cutting back (temporarily) is a warning signal about the psychological level. But there are totally objective standards that you can fall back on for evaluation of the physiology aspect. For women, moderate drinking is defined as one glass a day. That is the amount that your liver can process, anything over that and you’re working on your cirrhosis. Let’s not even mention your heart disease, your cancer, your relationship troubles, your job longevity…
      Google “women and alcohol” and check things out very, very carefully, please, I’m sure I’m not alone here in wishing you to step away from this slippery slope.

      • Anonymous

        I think this is a total overreaction. Cirrhosis does not happen from two or three drinks a night. Absent an underlying medical condition such as hepatitis, it happens from a fifth of booze nightly for years. OP, if you’re really worried about the health effects of the drinking, get a liver enzyme test next time you go for an annual physical. If you’re really worried about volume, cut back to a glass a night for a while and see how you feel about it.

        Americans are so overly worried about alcohol. Europeans have been drinking nightly for centuries with little consequence and no drama/judging about quantity.

    • SC

      I’ve had similar concerns and have cut back as well. At first I missed having a glass of wine at dinner. I’ve started drinking flavored sparkling waters instead. It wasn’t so much that I missed the alcohol, but I liked having something with taste/flavor at the end of the night.

    • Anonyon

      I think that you know whether or not it’s too much. If you think you are drinking more than you are comfortable with, try cutting back. If you are asking whether you are alcoholics, I think that is a matter of whether you are able to cut back/stop yourself and whether it is interfering in your lives (basically see if you fit the definition).

      Personally, I come from a family of alcoholics. I drink a little, not a ton. I also have a very high tolerance, but I find that good since I don’t drink to get drunk (not that you are). I only mention this to explain that I also take a set amount of time off from drinking every so often (usually when I have been drinking more than usual lately) to show myself that I am not dependent on it. I don’t see anything wrong with this and personally find it helpful.

  4. Anon

    I think an appropriate amount is what you feel comfortable with as long as it doesn’t negatively impact your life.

    My husband and I are similar. We have a beer most nights with dinner after work. We also go out on the weekends, but usually just one night, where we will drink more. Sometimes I drink less for specific reasons– i.e. sometimes I’m trying to go lower carb and will just have water with dinner instead of a beer some nights. Also, some weekends we stay in and do nothing if we’ve been busy lately or feel tired.

    When you say you find yourself missing your glass of wine when you come home, I’m betting that it is partly the ritual of it and the signal that “ahh the day is over, it’s time to relax.” You could always try to replace the wine with something else to signal that to yourself.

    These are just my thoughts. It’s highly personal, but it’s something I consider on a regular basis because my mother was an alcoholic. I think it’s a good idea to stop every now and again, evaluate your habits and the reasons behind them, and adjust accordingly.

  5. Julep

    I’ve been interviewing and a week-and-a-half ago was told that Company was going to make me an offer… in a week to a week-and-a-half. These things take time at large companies and, factoring in the 4th of July holiday, I translated that to 3 weeks. But… it has been a bit hard to concentrate on my current job. (Pretty sure they’re still interested in me, but stranger things have happened.)

    Separately, my current employer gave me an 18% raise since I last spoke to Company’s hiring manager and told them my current salary (I have been trying to negotiate this with my current employer for some time, and did tell Company that I am currently underpaid, or was prior to the increase, which is still a bit below market). Should I or should I not mention this salary increase to Company? I wasn’t planning to. Company’s hiring manager indicated that he would make me the best offer that he could, and that he would be ‘disappointed’ if I used his offer just to negotiate more salary with current employer. I said that I understood. One reason for mentioning the salary increase would be that it can sometimes be difficult to get HR approval for large percentage increases even when hiring external candidates (I know this is true at my own company). Still leaning towards not contacting Company until they contact me. I’m not really in a rush because it will be a difficult decision to stay or go.

    Thanks for any advice!

    • tdevil

      I was was told by a friend of mine that HR recruiters in large companies are given a “cost savings bonus” for getting candidates as cheaply as possible. They were also told in training that Asians and Lations push back less agressively than white men or white women, so they should target this tactic towards such candidates. By all means tell the potential future employer about the job raise!!! This establishes two facts to the recuriter 1) I, the job candidate have other options (ie my current employer loves me enough to give me a raise even in this cr@ppy economy, so don’t shove me around); and 2) Since eveyone uses a candidates current salary to benchmark what the job offer should look like, they need to be informed that the benchmark has changed. It would make no sense to any candidate to take a job that pays less than their base salary+18% raise w/o any other mitigating factors. Good Luck!!

    • Anon

      I actually would go ahead and contact the company now with news about the salary increase. If the offer comes in and it’s below your expectations/your new salary and then you go back and say “actually, I just got a raise to x”, I think the company could think negatively of you (that you were hiding the information or, worse, lying). I think this is the perfect opportunity to check in without directly checking in and give them the salary news.

  6. Intern

    Sorry to be a downer, but ack I feel terrible about this.

    I’m interning in a very small office, and my boss/ sub-boss/ anyone who could help me was out today. He gave me a difficult task to do that I did not have experience in but thought I could figure out. Couple hours later, I hadn’t figured it out and completed it, so my boss asked me to send it to him where he is working from home. She just sent me a reply email saying “good work on the rest, I’ll show you (how to do the task) Monday”. I just feel bad that I didn’t/wasn’t able to do it. Am I overreacting?

    • Intern

      To add a complication, today is kind of a half day at the office, so I’m not sure when to leave. I am paid hourly. I might leave at 3 (should finish work by then) so it’s not a half day, but not a full day.

      • M-C

        Almost by definition, an intern is someone who can’t do the job. Otherwise they’d be an employee :-). The difference between a good intern and a bad one is that the good one will learn when someone shows them something, so it’s a bit early to beat yourself up. And you know, you did imho the very best thing that someone can do who can’t do something: give a heads up to the person who can fix it, in time. That alone is worth its weight in gold, and even more valuable than whether you can do something or not.
        Have a good weekend intern, just show up ready to slurp from the fount of knowledge on Monday and all will be cool. Really.

    • WJM-TV

      Eh. Considering they gave it to you to do the day before a holiday, don’t worry about it. They probably wanted to keep you from being completely bored.

    • goldribbons

      I know this is hard, but you really have to just stop beating yourself up. You did the best you could, now forget about it! Enjoy your weekend, come in on Monday refreshed and ready to learn — and remember — how to do the task. It’s never your fault for receiving inadequate training, unless you neglected to take part in training that was offered. As far as when to leave, try to take cues from others in your office today. Leave about when they leave. If you’re literally the only one there, leave when you get your work done. … or, ask your office manager, if your office has a person in that role.

      • Matilda

        This. Also, he clearly knew that you didn’t know how to do the task — seems pretty clear that he’s not disappointed you didn’t know how to do it (and, really, how are you supposed to know if no one showed you?). Go have a fun weekend.

    • Mulva

      No, you are not overreacting. When I started my male boss wanted me to do something even he did not understand how to do. When I called him for guidance, he was flustered, and offered to take me out to dinner for getting me so stressed out. Like a jerk I accepted and he grabbed and fondled me in the parking lot. I quit, sued and settled for $ix figures! Not bad for 3 days work!!!

      • Intern

        Yeah okay, this is not going to happen.

        Thanks for the helpful posts above ladies!

  7. Sad cat

    Here’s a question for all you ladies with big hearts and big (or little) paychecks. How much would you spend on vet bills? My cat recently got an expensive diagnosis. She’s fairly young and the prognosis is excellent… If she has $5-6k surgery. If she doesn’t have surgery, she will likely develop such terrible pain from the progressive condition that we will have to euthanize her within the year. :( I can afford $6k out of savings, but that seems like an insane amount to spend on a cat when I also have human family members to take care of. Part of me thinks, “it’s just money, you can’t take it with you and it sure isn’t going to snuggle with you on the couch,” and part of me says, “I love my cat, but better place for $6k is in my retirement account/kid’s college fund/emergency fund.” I know I’m fortunate to even be in a position where paying is an option, but it’s proving to be a really tough decision.

    • mascot

      Ugh, what an awful place to be. I think unanticipated medical expenses for a pet qualify for emergency funds. Our pets are part of our family and we really don’t care if other people judge us for spending money on them. For a young animal with excellent prognosis and years ahead of her, yeah, we would probably spend that kind of money. Good luck.

    • Julep

      Sorry, that is a very difficult personal decision to make.

      When I was single and childless I paid 2K for my cat’s surgery. I made about 45K at the time and it was a lot of money to me, but I did have the money in savings. Today I make about 4x as much, but have kids (one with special needs), a mortgage, a car payment, and am more aggressively saving for retirement. Plus we’ll probably need a new roof next year, etc.

      I would probably pay the 2K today. I would probably pay the 6K today if I didn’t have kids, but I do. I would give the cat as much love as possible between now and the time that her pain becomes too much to manage.

      Sorry you are in this position.

    • momentsofabsurdity

      I paid 1.5K for my dog’s emergency vet bill in a heartbeat (then proceeded to get pet insurance)! He is a young dog, and it was an emergency situation ($1.5K was the cost for exams, rehydration and an overnight stay at the e-vet for a case of HGE). For me, a lot of it would depend on the prognosis, the age of the animal and their quality of life afterward. But for something that is not an emergency situation I would ALWAYS recommend going to another vet to get a second opinion. A friend had a cat who had regular urinary blockages (I think crystals in his urine?) and the vet recommended a $4k surgery to treat. She sought a second opinion from a vet who suggested switching to an all-wet food diet with primarily meat and no grains. That has 100% solved the problem for her 4 years later. So I definitely suggest seeking additional opinions before proceeding.

      One option is CareCredit if you are leery about taking the money out of savings — its no interest financing on qualifying animal or human medical bills. That way you could at least leave the money in savings already alone, even if you had to redirect normal savings payments for a few months to pay it off.

    • Nonny

      Here are two divergent viewpoints for you.

      My aunt, who has had cats all her life and is close to retirement, has a strict personal policy that each of her cats comes with a $1,000 emergency vet credit. Her cats are indoor cats so they tend not to get into too much trouble. But if one of them requires very expensive treatment, she makes the difficult decision and has the cat put down. Her view in part is that it saves the cat much pain in the long run.

      I, on the other hand, have a 4-year-old indoor cat who is generally in good health. Because she is young and has a good life expectancy, if something came up that required a large expenditure, I would do it. Having said that, I previously had a 12-year-old cat who was suffering from kidney disease and suffered from complications that meant she was in constant pain. I had her put down rather than attempt treatment.

      I think you have to consider all the surrounding circumstances.

    • Jules

      That’s a really tough one, I’m so sorry you’re in this position, and so sorry for the cat. We have a houseful of dogs and cats and have spent many, many thousands on vet bills — we’re also lucky to be able to afford it, within reason – but $6k is a good deal more then we’ve ever spent at one time. (The most before was maybe $2000.) This is a huge amount of money, to me. And also keep in mind that the prognosis being good does not mean the treatment will succeed. We’ve treated a dog and a cat who had cancer — the cat had a very unusual form that created tons of interest at the state university vet school, but alas no discounts — and they both went through long, expensive and even painful procedures and treatments that ultimately were unsuccessful. We now say we won’t go through that again (although the next time one of our animals gets sick, who knows what we’ll do in in the moment).

      It’s an incredibly hard decision, no one can make it for you, but I don’t think it’s selfish or unreasonable to decide that this is just too much money, particularly for an uncertain outcome, and that you’d rather make your cat’s last months and days happy and comfortable and then let her go peacefully.

      Hugs and good wishes as you go through this.

    • Cornellian

      I would first consider getting a second opinion from another vet if you have any doubts or questions. I might also look in to payment plans (I’ve seen vets with payment plans with low interest for the first 6/12 months) to spread out the pain.

      I spent about 3K on my dog last winter, which was huge to me, as it was all credit card debt and I was between graduation and taking the bar without any family backing. I’ve definitely had increased costs since then as a result of his health issues, but nothing else catastrophic. I think this is an intensely personal question, and that for me human life definitely trumps animal life if the alternative is not being able to provide for human needs, but beyond that it’s very grey.

    • Senior Attorney

      Many years ago I paid $4,000 to get a hip replacement for my dog. It was more than we could afford, it wasn’t terribly successful, he suffered a lot because of the surgery, and we ended up having to put him down anyway within a year or two. Since then my policy has been “no extraordinary medical expenditures for pets.” When my cat developed a tumor some years later we put her down rather than put her through expensive surgery, and I feel much, much better about that decision than I do about the canine hip replacement.

    • Kitty

      I was in a similar situation not long ago- young cat who would have almost certainly died without an emergency 6k surgery, with the surgery she was virtually guaranteed to recover fully (which she did). We only had a couple hours to make the decision, and it was a holiday weekend, so we had no other options on vets (also why it was SO expensive). We never would have done it if she would have been expected to only live a few more, possibly painful, years, but given the fact that she should now have another 15 or so years of perfectly healthy life, we decided that we couldn’t live with the guilt if we let her die just because we didn’t want to spend the money. We don’t make that much, but we’re good savers and easily had it in savings. Ultimately, I guess I feel that this is what I value money for- not for buying a huge house or lots of new clothes or a nice vacation, but to allow us the luxury to make choices consistent with our values. That said, I would never fault someone who didn’t have the money or needs it to keep a roof over their head and their children fed, or just values things differently. It is an absolutely ridiculous amount to spend on a cat, and I’d be the first to admit it! Best of luck to you and your kitty, it’s a very tough decision.

    • Moonstone

      To prove my Crazy Cat Lady credentials, I will reveal that one year I made 18K and spent 2K of that on my sick cat. My current cat, whom I love ridiculously, cost me $800 in May 2012 and another $400 in July 2012 (same emergency issue recurred) and has been healthy since. Here’s the thing: For cats, it’s important to factor in quality of life issues. The stress of the vet and the surgery is very high. We love them, and it’s our duty to take care of them, but their illnesses are often the beginning of a long and painful road. So sometimes the way we show that love is to release them from the pain when the quality of life is not longer good.

    • L

      So I admittedly am the wrong person to comment on this, but here we go.

      I’d do the surgery in a heartbeat (if you trust your vet). 6k for a surgery that results in a healed, healthy cat that is going to live a long healthy life is totally worth kitty companionship to me.

      I love my animals and have had to make the choice (surgery/long-term treatments, etc) many times over again. I look at is as a quality of life issue. If I can reasonably afford it (so that I’m not going broke/get evicted/etc) and it improves their quality of life then I go for it. If I can’t swing it, or am trying to use medical treatments to prolong the life of an already sick/injured animal in vain, then I can’t.

      I say spend the 6k and enjoy your time with your cat!!

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I posted a similar dilemma at one point and got quite the array of responses. My case was complicated by the fact that while we didn’t have the money to spend, we had been planning on financing a bucket list family trip for my parents. I couldn’t imagine financing that trip and not financing cat surgery but we certainly couldn’t do both and I was already having doubts about financing the trip.

      My cat ended up recovering quickly without the surgery. He had something else wrong with him. We were incredibly lucky. We didn’t take that bucket list trip b/c the prices ended up tripling before we booked. That worked out well too because my dad got sicker and wouldn’t have been able to travel. He is now much better so hopefully we can do the trip in the future when we can actually afford it.

      My cat is diabetic so we already spend way more than most people would on his regular care. He takes human insulin that is $180 a bottle and needs a new bottle every three months. He is also on rx cat food. This is an expense we felt we had to take because it is maintenance medicine and he is otherwise healthy.

      We were concerned about spending a ton on cat surgery when with the diabetes he might not even survive the surgery. Luckily, like I said, we didn’t end up needing to make the decision.

      Whatever you decide, you have to promise yourself that you will accept your decision and move on. If you go into debt, you can’t kick yourself every payment. You can’t regret it 10 years from now. Same goes if you make the decision to let your kitty go peacefully. It was the best choice for you and you can’t regret it.

    • S

      I would not pay that period. Sorry to be harsh, and to each their own, but when it is pet’s time it is their time in my book.

      • S (a different one)

        Just curious–if it were $50 would you say the same? Or $100? Or 500? What if the pet owner were one to purchase the 2K suits that are often featured on this site? What if the cat brings more enjoyment than four lower priced suits?

        I think everyone has their own “book” which is what can make it so difficult.

        (And you do sound harsh–period.)

        • Anne Shirley

          She said in her book. I would neither pay 6k for a cat nor a suit, but whatevs if you want to.

        • preg anon

          I don’t think she sounded harsh. She made it clear hers was a personal decision – “in her book” “to each her own” etc.

        • S (original)

          Personally, I’d probably pay up to $1000 on vet bills if I had the money and it would really grant my pet additional good quality of life for some time. That’s way more than I’d pay for a suit but less than I’d pay for a summer vacation. I really feel like everyone should do exactly as they see fit with their own money, I was just offering the perspective that you can love an animal without thinking you need to spend a tremendous amount of money on them.

    • SoCalAtty

      I don’t do small animals, but I have been faced with this with a horse. We had one colic quite badly, and my choice was $15k surgery with 70% chance of full recovery, but that would require the horse to be completely off 6 months and then another 12 months of that in rehab. I probably could have maxed out some credit cards to do it, but factoring in age / prognosis and the chances that it would happen again, we chose to let him go. He was older and likely would not have done well with the rehab.

      A good friend recently bought a very nice young horse, about 4 years old. Turns out he needed back surgery…and, to the tune of about $30k (I think the insurance kicked in 1/2), she did it. He was good for about 2 years, and now is back to being lame.

      My current horse was purchased as a baby, at 4 years old. She immediately damaged her foot, and I have spent 12 months and mabye $20k bringing her back. We think she’ll be ok, but for all of my practical thougts on animals, I did it too!

      So you have to weigh everything – prognosis, age, your financial situation – and see what you want to do. I agree with other posters that you have to decide and then not kick yourself over it.

      Also – GET PET INSURANCE ALL OF YOU!! Then you don’t have to make the decision at all – insurance pays!

      • Pet Insurance

        Several years ago my cat (6 years old) suddenly got sick; they couldn’t figure out exactly what was wrong with her, so she spent a week in kitty ER. Although she improved for a time, she ended up not making it. I did have pet insurance, and it covered about 25% of the bill. I was still out of pocket about $4k.

        I never thought twice about spending the money. I knew it was a lot, but I thought she was going to get better. Even now I don’t regret spending the money. What I do regret was that my cat’s last week was spent in an animal hospital. I never would have put her through that if I’d realized how she would spend her last days.

        It is a hard decision to make either way. I’m sorry you have to go through it.

    • Anonymous

      I paid about $4k for a hospital stay for my young dog, plus aftercare expenses over the course of another 2-3 months. It was most of my savings, and while it hurt, I would have incurred 5x that amount since I understood the prognosis was either death or a 100% healthy pup. However, when I told my parents he was going in and how much it could cost, they started talking about him in the past tense, assuming I’d never pay that much for his care. Obviously, different people have different perspectives on this, and you need to consider the impact on your life of the expenditure vs. the loss of the pet. For me, I’d rather live in a cardboard box with my dog than in a mansion without him.

    • CKB

      I wouldn’t pay that for our family cat, but then again I hate our cat (and he isnt fond of me either) and if my boys didn’t love the darn thing we would have gotten rid of him a while ago. Even if I loved the cat, though, I’m not sure I could spend more than $1k on vet bills in one go. It would depend on the situation for sure.

    • chi squared

      We love our pets, but my husband and I agreed years ago to an arbitrary maximum on vet costs for each of our pets. It’s half-serious, half not – we feel our obligation to care for them has limits. $6K is way over our maximum, so I would not pay it.

    • Anon in NYC

      I recently paid about 3k for knee surgery for my dog. She’s young, but tore one of her ligaments and could not put any weight on her back leg. When we picked her up the vet told us that it was likely that her other knee/leg would go since she had been favoring her injured leg for many months. After recovery time, I’d say that her now fixed leg is 100%. However, just like he said, she’s now starting to favor her previously-uninjured leg. So I expect to pay another 3k (before pet insurance, which should cover part of it) to fix her other knee.

      It seems like a lot of money (and it is, objectively), but I can’t imagine not paying it – especially because I can pay it. If it was a much larger expense, or the prognosis was more dire, I would maybe reevaluate, but it would take a lot for me to not pay for her healthcare. I think I would basically have to be convinced that the surgery could not “fix” her, would only prolong her suffering, and that she would never fully recover from the trauma of surgery.

    • NYNY

      DH and I spent $6K on cataract surgery when our beloved dog went blind. We had the money, but we definitely had to make some sacrifices to pull it off. The dog was bumping into things, and just wasn’t his normal happy self. He lived a little over a year after the surgery, before we had to euthanize him for old age related problems. I would spend the money again in a heartbeat, even knowing how little time he had left (which, of course, we didn’t know at the time).

      This is one of those choices people make which is hard to explain to others, because you will always come across strong opinions on either side of the argument. You have to go with your heart, ultimately. My dog was my savior during a rough depression. Sometimes, he was the only reason I left the apartment. He did so much for the quality of my life that I couldn’t imagine not returning the favor. But if you feel like it’s too much, then you surely have valid reasons.

      • I'd Do It

        You got some very good, eloquent responses. Personally, I would pay it in a heartbeat (and have) given that your cat has a good prognosis.

    • Kontraktor

      I cannot imagine placing my pet’s health over my human family, house, or finacial priorities. Money doesn’t grow on trees. I guess if I had so much money that the fee literally was completely discretionary (to the tune of paying for a completely discretionary clothing or vacation purchase, etc.), I’d pay it. Limits may change depending on personal situations. but I guess in my life, $1k-1.5k is generally the most any discretionary purchase would ever be, so that would likely be my limit. $6k just seems so high to me and seems to be venturing into the territory of placing the pet over more human priorities that could be accomplished with the money.

      I have 2 cats and maybe I’d feel differently if something suddenly happened to one, but honestly I feel I would probably think if one got an ailment that required $6k to fix, “Gosh that really sucks for the cat it got that sick/injured. Unfortunate. I guess it’s the cat’s time that it was afflicted by something so terrible.”

      Finally, I do think sometimes putting down isn’t the worst options. My childhood cat was clearly very ill for the last 1-2 years of its life and we never did anything about it. I think it died in pain. I wish we would have taken it to the vet when it started acting weird… I’m sure the vet would have offered an expensive litany of items to treat the cat, but they probably would have been so expensive that they would have translated to ‘grave condition’ in my mind and the aforementioned thought string of, “Sad for the cat that it is so seriously ill it costs that much to fix. It’s probably its time.”

    • Sad cat

      Thanks everyone, for the thoughtful responses! I really appreciate them. Luckily she’s now on some medication that alleviates the worst of her symptoms, so at least we have some time to think and make sure we understand our options without causing her undue suffering… but I’d rather fix the problem than imperfectly mask it for 10+ years –and the long term cost would be about the same.

      • Anonymous

        There is an organization that needs money to operate on children with cleft palates.

    • Michelle

      S we had a middle aged rescue mutt who fetched up with walking issues that our vet said was either a disk problem or meningitis. If meningitis, medicine would fix it. It disk, he needed a $2k MRI and depending in what that showed, $4k surgery. We agreed to try the meds as we weren’t willing to spend that much in the surgery, and he got better. Fast forward 5 years and the same issue but worse, he couldn’t walk at all very suddenly – same MRI/surgery choice and we agonized over it (including thoughts about whether it is ethical to spend that on one dog when we could for example donate to our shelter and help many dogs) – but we had another dog with inoperable cancer about to be out down and we just couldn’t face losing this one too at the same time when we had the money. So we did the surgery and don’t regret it, fast forward another two years and he recovered and was doing great (until recently when is starting to show arthritis and other age related ailments, but he is 13 now). I feel like if you can afford it, and if the quality of life for the pet will be good, I would do it.

    • Anon Lawyer

      I’m sorry to hear about this. I don’t have pets and never have (allergy) but I am like the crazy cat lady in all other respects. This may be a dumb question and I appreciate that at the point where you are faced with making this decision, it is too late. but isn’t there insurance for this kind of thing?

    • OttLobbyist

      Sorry to hear about this. Like many others here, I have a max per dog, that is tied to my income/savings. I have senior rescue dogs, from a breed with high risk for certain illnesses/disabilities. I strongly support the second opinion notion and all also asking for alternative treatment plans. I find vets here always present the highest cost, most complex solution first, when often there are mid-level management plans that may be lower risk than surgeries. These days with shots, heartworm medications, and the apparently now mandatory dental cleanings, pet ownership is almost out of reach for even comfortable people.

  8. eeyore

    So great news — I prepared a blog post for my summer employer and it’s getting published on the firm blog! Question: Can I put this on my resume? If so, should I add it under this summer job or could I add it to my “publications” section? TIA

    • Cornellian

      Congrats! If you’re very young, I’d say it belongs on your resume, but only as a mention when you explain what your summer internship entailed. I would think it was seriously strange if I saw a blog post on someone’s resume in their “publications” section.

      • M-C

        And why?? Because we haven’t noticed any changes in publication mechanics in the past 15 years?? Eeyore may use any publication as a writing sample, which is always good to have. But in this case it’s not even on her own blog, so it is real publication, I’d definitely use it. Just as good as the company newsletter that I’m sure other people would say is fine, better in fact because readable by clients and even the entire world.
        Congratulations eeyore, don’t get the old farts discourage you :-)…

        • Mpls

          Use as a writing sample – sure, with all the caveats that usually apply to writing samples.

          Include it on a resume, as part of the job description – sure.

          Include it on the resume under a section called Publications – eh…I see those as more of a law review article, or professional organization magazine. Something more formal with a review system than a blog. Not that blogs can’t be well written…it just doesn’t seem the same.

  9. Anonymous

    How frequently do you pleasure yourself? Hubby and I had a disagreement about whether women actually do it all that often, compared to men.

    • Definitely Anonymous For This

      Anywhere between 4 and 7 times per week, on average. I do not have any, erm, garden tools to help. I am not seeing anyone right now but it’s much less if I’m throwing regular garden parties. It’s honestly mostly a sleep aid.

      I think plenty of women do it as often as men do, but it is more socially shamed (and I have met a lot of women who seem to take some sort of pride in not being “able” to do it, which I think is kind of silly) so it’s discussed less.

    • anon

      Next to never. I definitely feel like the outlier and am pretty sad about it, but I don’t know how to fix it. I feel like I’m missing out and I wish I wanted to a lot more often. DH is encouraging but flabbergasted at my lack of activity.

    • Also anon

      At the moment, also next to never. But before I moved in with my current SO, about twice or three times a week. I feel very self-conscious about doing it with SO right there, and so only do it when he is not around. Unfortunately, I have difficulties with, ah, blooming during regular garden parties and one of SO’s few weaknesses is that he is not a big fan of manipulating the flower, so that means I don’t get as much enjoyment as I would like. I need to work with SO on that but I’m kind of shy about it.

      • Anne Shirley

        What the what? What would he say if you just weren’t a fan of manipulating the hose, so he rarely “watered” during gardening? Be less shy!!

        • emeralds

          Agreed. Lady. Please: talk to your boyfriend about this. Every time I feel uncomfortable bringing something like that up with a gardener, I remind myself (I think I read it in Dan Savage or somewhere?) that if I’m mature enough to garden, I need to be mature enough to talk about it with my partner. Your partner should care that you’re not getting as much enjoyment out of gardening as he is. Period.

        • Mulva

          I agree. If he wants any attention downstairs, especially BJs, he better start preparing for some deep sea diving of his own, pronto! What comes around must come around!

    • Anon

      Kind of embarrassed to admit this, but only if my husband is out of town. I guess I don’t feel comfortable with him either knowing about it or being around when I do it.

      • Anonymous

        Also felt odd about doing it in company. Mostly because he was too distracting as a presence, and would want to take over. Because he thought he was better at it, I think. He wasn’t.

        • roses

          +1. Seriously, explore the wide array of info on the internet and go to some toy shops for assistance.

      • ananontoo

        Totally agree with this. For some reason it only feels good when someone else does it. Hubby disagrees completely and does it himself several times per week. Thinks it’s weird that I’m not into it (as do my friends IRL), but isn’t bothered by it, thankfully.

      • Anon Never

        I agree. Just have never been interested in gardening alone. Certainly not with an audience.

    • Anon for this

      I have a pretty serious drive when my SO is around, but I seem to turn it off when he’s not. On occasion, something will get me interested, so maybe once every couple of weeks. I have, on occasion, done it when we’re Skyping. He loves it. And the right toys are a must.

    • Anon

      When I was single, probably 5 times a week. Now that I’m married, only when my husband is out of town or as part of gardening activities with husband.

    • anonalso

      How often does he say men do it?

      Also my ‘how often’ varies a lot, so I am struggling to put numbers to it. But maybe anywhere from 0-12 times a week? And more often on the higher end of that. And if I’m seeing someone (i’m not now) it doesn’t necessarily cause a reduction in the frequency.

      I think women just don’t talk about it as much, but do it just as much, on average, as men. But maybe that’s wishful thinking ;o) I don’t have any gardening tools for myself, but have always wanted to get some, just haven’t gotten around to it.

    • Anonymous

      It makes me really sad to see so many women who’ve given up on loving themselves once they’re gardening with a partner. I can’t imagine a man giving up playing with his hose simply because he now has a garden.

      • emeralds

        For me, it’s less giving up on myself, and more “Ooh I have this other person around to have naked fun with!” I don’t know, I guess I have a certain amount of sex drive, and when my boyfriend’s around I’d rather expend it with him.

        And since I never actually answered the question, it depends. Anywhere from 0 to 5-6 times a week, I guess, depending on how I’m feeling.

      • Wannabe Runner

        My DH gave it up because he has me now. I think he just thinks it’s better when it comes with emotional intimacy. I kind of agree.

    • Anonyc

      Generally at least once a day, more if I’ve got time before bed (usually always when I’m going to bed). Less if I’ve got a gardener in instead.

    • Anon

      Most nights. I’m single. Less if I’m in a relationship and having sex all the time.

      • Anonymous

        Me too. I have a variety of buzzing bees for my garden too. In the past, my family has expressed confusion over why I kept my spare batteries in the bedroom…thank goodness for rechargeable buzzing bees!

  10. hm

    I live in a 3 BR apt in NYC (Brooklyn) on the top floor of a brownstone. When I signed the lease, there was an empty lot next door, but I did know they were planning on building soon. Well, today, the brownstone next door has officially caused me to lose the only window in both mine and one of my roommate’s rooms. Is there anything I can do about this? I know windowless rooms are not that uncommon in NYC, but I’ve loved having mine, and this apartment definitely isn’t as nice now that I am staring into grey cement blocks. I know that views aren’t covered in the lease. Should I have known better because I knew they were planning on building? The lot has been empty for a while and finally someone took initiative. We just moved in in May.

    • Anne Shirley

      Is the window actually lost (can’t open, bricked in) or just no view?

      • Cornellian

        My question as well. Actual windowless bedrooms are illegal, I’m 90% sure.

        • hm

          I do think that’s true too but in my group of just-graduated from college group, I have a lot of friends living in windowless “bedrooms”

          • Cornellian

            The regulation is based on emergency exits, I believe. So if there’s just two ugly feet of space between you and the next building, that’s okay. The way you phrased it, I’m picturing you being unable to open your window as it opens up directly onto a cinderblock wall. The latter is definitely illegal in NYC.

          • hm

            That’s exactly it. The only reason why I can open my window still is because it’s set back a little (1/2 foot maybe) from the exterior wall of my apartment. The other building goes directly into my apartment.

      • hm

        It’s hard to say… the bricks are just going up right now as I work from home so I don’t know how it will end up but I will probably be able to open but would be bricked in after opening.

    • Anonymous

      What kind of remedy are you expecting? I’d say you were on notice that a building could go up and block your view – so I don’t think you can sue to stop them. You might be able to ask for a reduction in rent from your landlord, but I think that was the risk you ran in rent that place.

      • hm

        I guess it would be a reduction in rent because I’m sure this would have rented for less without the view but I don’t know how much of an argument I have.

        • Anonymous

          If it you no longer have a functioning bedroom window, then it sounds like you’ve gone from a 3 bedroom to a 2 bedroom + den – if you could demonstrate a difference in market price between the two in comparable buildings, you might have an argument…

    • goldribbons

      I think the landlord will say you should have known if you just moved in 2 months ago. Technically/legally, I don’t know the answer but NYC housing law is generally more favorable to tenants.

  11. Book suggestion?

    Best motivational book you’ve read? Doesn’t have to be anything recent, just looking for something to read over the long weekend that will leave a lasting impression.

    • Avid fan

      Anything by Brene Brown. I’d start with Daring Greatly (even though that is her most recent).

    • Sydney Bristow

      Maybe an odd suggestion, but The Alchemist by Paulo Cohello. It’s fiction but by far the most inspirational book I’ve ever read. It would be an easy read on the weekend. I kept wishing my train would go slower so that I’d be able to read more of it at a time.

  12. Mom birthday gifts?

    Looking for suggestions for a birthday present for my mom. She and my stepdad recently bought a new house, so I’ve given her a few things for the garden this past Christmas and Mother’s Day. I typically give her a gift certificate to her favorite restaurant, but looking for something maybe a little more interesting. She’s a musician and used to be an illustrator (she hasn’t done much drawing lately) and likes her garden. They have one or two friends over for dinner once in awhile, but otherwise don’t entertain much. My stepdad is an avid cook, so they already have pretty much every kitchen doodad you could possibly want. They live on the coast, so have some nautical/oceany decor. Any ideas?

    • NOLA

      A few ideas:
      -flower wreath (Williams-Sonoma has beautiful ones)
      -a flowering bulb plant – but this might be a winter thing? – like an amaryllis
      -colored drawings of flowers or herbs
      -not maybe a great birthday present, but my Dad and stepmother played bridge constantly and were always looking for appetizer plates, etc., for their bridge events. I would always buy them fun cocktail napkins when I saw them for when they entertained.
      -maybe a gift certificate to a garden center near the new house? Or a consultation with a garden expert? My stepmother has a gorgeous garden but she has consulted with experts about best use of her space, etc.

      • MH

        Another thought on a garden gift: it might be fun to get a beautiful planter and fill it with some interesting plants. Or get the planter and a gift card to a nursery so your Mom can pick out what she wants. Or, better yet, schedule a time to go with her to pick things out and plant everything together?

      • NYNY

        After reading the question and answers a little above this, I bust out laughing when I read that your mom “likes her garden.” We’re stretching the metaphor of the lady garden party so far now that it’s impossible not to! :-)

    • Anon

      Since you said she is a musician, depending on what she plays, can you get some accessory to go along with her instrument? My dad is a guitar player and so in the past we have given him a new guitar strap, a set of picks in a nice holder, a silver engraved pick, stuff like that. Also, a gift that went over really well was we paid for time in the local recording studio and he made a CD! It was awesome!

    • M-C

      Some nice framed botanical prints for the new house? I once had great success with Henry Evans prints for a gardener..

  13. Croatia-Bound

    Hi Ladies,

    I hope your afternoons are going well! My friends and I are planning on taking an 11-day trip to Croatia with a day in Slovenia and a quick trip to Montenegro (we’ll primarily be in these areas: Opatija, Split, Dubrovnik, Zagreb, and Bled). Does anyone have experience traveling in this region? What did you love/hate? I’d love to hear your stories and suggestions!

    • TBK

      No suggestions, just super jealous. Croatia is supposed to be absolutely gorgeous!

    • Noelle

      I’ve traveled to Split and Dubrovnik. My biggest advice is to stay in a sobe, not a hotel. They’re so cute and centrally located and a great way to experience Croatia. Also, it’s worth getting up super-early to walk the Dubrovnik walls when it won’t be crowded. Once the cruise ships come in late morning, you can kiss your beautiful views goodbye!

    • oil in houston

      I had spent 2 weeks in Croatia / Slovenia, my thoughts:
      I LOVED Dubrovnik, one the most beautiful cities around. we had rented a little studio in the centre, and it was heaven. make the trip to the island (can’t remember the name, you can see it from the marina), it makes for a lovely day trip
      Hvar/Split were great too, very atmospheric, a bit more ‘St Tropez’-like
      Pula had nice beaches, and the food was awesome
      great memories of Bled – we stayed at the Grand Hotel , it was fabulous

      I would recommend going to Plitvice, the lakes, waterfalls and the hikes were amazing!

      we didn’t go to Zaghreb, but went to Ljubjlana, it is a lot more germanic than Croatia, an interesting contrast.

      have fun!

      • L.

        I spent about a week in this area. We stayed in Dubrovnik a few days, did a day trip to Montenegro from there (I think), then went up to Split for a few days, and the island of Vis for a few days. Split was by far my favorite. It was a little bit more relaxed than Dubrovnik and had a lovely old city and neat castle ruins.

        We stayed in a place on the beach in Dubrovnik that was an easy bus ride to the old town area. Buses are readily available and cheap. The water was great. Split didn’t have as much beachfront to the water area, so we were glad we did that in Dubrovnik.

        Vis was really nice too — it was more of a yachting hot spot than we realized, though, so there aren’t lots of options for hotels or hostels (people just stay on their boat, it seems). Amazing seafood and the boat cavern tours were worth it.

        Looking back on it, we probably should have skipped Montenegro because we only had time for a day trip and spent more time traveling than getting to enjoy it. You would obviously have a different experience if you have more time. It did seem to be more of a party beach — we stumbled upon a beach club where plenty of people were doing vodka shots mid-afternoon.

  14. Anon

    Interviewed for a job and made it very far along in the process. Then radio silence for about two months. I finally reached out to a contact there and found out they’d filled the position three weeks ago. So I emailed the hiring person, said I heard the position was filled but thanks for considering me blah blah. The person writes back and says she’s so sorry she didn’t get back to me sooner and that I heard about it from someone else! Um, yeah. It’s been three weeks. In three weeks you didn’t have five minutes to drop me a note? I mean, my contact is in a totally different division and she knew the position had been filled, so it’s not like you were still keeping it under wraps. If any of you are in the position of responding to interviewees, please, please, please just let them know when you’re not going to hire them! It is mind-bendingly rude to waste people’s time like that. And, yes, while I don’t feel vindictive, this lowers this person in my estimation. I’m DC. It’s a highly interconnected place and I come back into contact with people all the time. Does she really want this to be my impression of her? Ugh.

    • Anon

      That is really frustrating. Awful to have to hear somewhere else. But I wouldn’t take it to potentially vindictive levels. One other possible perspective: Three weeks isn’t a lifetime in hiring. They may have wanted to make sure the person actually showed up before letting others down. I’ve been on the other end and seen candidates take offers that came in after accepting ours–sometimes after negotiating a late start date to begin with (or get better offers from where they currently are when they finally get around to giving notice and drop out). It’s possible they wanted to cushion and make sure they had a “sure thing” before getting rid of the entire pool of candidates. The person in the position now may not have been the first one to get a formal offer either, which can run the clock. It’s still totally frustrating and no excuse for hearing it elsewhere. But I wouldn’t just automatically assume laziness in emailing. Although that certainly can (and does) happen often enough. Hopefully if you do meet in the same circles again, it will go much better.

      • Anon

        Ugh. I just reread and realized that was three weeks with someone IN the position. No excuse. No excuse at all.

      • OP

        I don’t intend to be vindictive. It’s just it’s a small world and this seems short-sighted. Also, the only candidates left were the person who got the job and me. They sent ding letters to everyone else several months ago (this process has lasted the better part of a year).

        • M-C

          Vindictive, perhaps not. But if they’re ever in a position to be hired, I’d go with someone else :-). After all, being polite to the candidates should be part of the HR job, no? Do you apply to places where you know you’ll be given the runaround by HR?

          • Anon

            I understand the frustration, but as another perspective: when I had a parent die suddenly in the middle of leading a job search, no one from my office could/would take it over. (Maternity leave for one, overwork for the other.)
            So all the candidates were sitting there with no word for two weeks while I was gone. I’m not trying to make excuses, but keep in mind that it could have been out of the HR person’s control. I’d give her the benefit of the doubt and be glad you aren’t relying on that person to manage your health insurance and benefits.

    • Wannabe Runner

      Yes, this is really frustrating.

      But the truth is that most employers are overwhelmed right now with applications. It would take a ton of time to tell everyone they aren’t hired.

      Sometimes this happens, and I’m afraid you’re setting yourself up for disappointment if you expect everyone to let you know when they’re not hiring you.

      But in an ideal world, yes, they should notify everyone that didn’t get the job.

      • M-C

        Nobody’s saying get in touch with absolutely everyone who applied. But if you’re in those very last stages of being considered, presumably there aren’t more than 1-2 people to notify. Half a dozen if you’re really disorganized and/or indecisive. So no big deal..

  15. TheoSTL

    I’ve always appreciated reading feedback on this site on other places. I’ll be going to live in Kuwait City in a few months. Any thoughts about things to bring, dress code, places to visit, etc. there? It’s a little off from normal destinations, so I haven’t been able to find as much information about it.

    • Bonnie

      It is ridiculously hot so bring clothing that breathes well and err toward modest dress. When I was there, I had several unpleasant experiences where men felt free to reach out and grab me. Because of that, I traveled with men who effectively surrounded me, especially in crowded places like markets.

  16. Pancakes

    Am I crazy or was there another Corporette post with a salmon colored suit 30 minutes ago?

    • eek

      I think the site was down so you were re-directed to the suit from last week. Not crazy!

  17. Workout etiquette

    Workout etiquette question. I live on the third floor of an older building with fairly squeaky hardwood floors. I don’t know my downstairs neighbors, but I’m guessing that they can probably hear it when I walk around. I’d like to do at home workout DVDs, but I don’t want the neighbors to get upset about the noise from me doing jumping jacks, etc. Etiquette? I feel bad for making noise, but on the other hand, it’s my apartment and working out (at a reasonable hour of the day) seems like something I should be able to do.

    • Anonymous

      Exercise mats for the floor? More like the thick foam tiles that dampen noise rather than gym mats. There is going to be noise no matter what, but you want to be considerate and minimize it. No dropping weights on the floor, and no crazy workout hours. People have different tolerances for noise, but most apartment dwellers expect some communal noise.

    • Bonnie

      Noise will probably be unavoidable. If you want to be a good neighbor, talk to your neighbors and ask them about their schedule so you don’t interfere with their sleep.

    • Saacnmama

      Yes to both of the above, and to your idea that you should be able to exercise & that there’s a considerate way to do it.

    • Amelia Pond

      I also live upstairs and feel guilty about making too much noise when I exercise. I think as long as you aren’t exercising 3 hours a day and doing it at odd hours like 5am or 10 pm you are probably ok. Plus, if it was really annoying your neighbor that much they would probably say something.

      • Sydney Bristow

        I agree. I’m also the upstairs neighbor and luckily get along really well with my downstairs neighbors. I’ll exercise at home but try to finish up by 9 or 10pm. They’ve never said anything about it.

    • Anonymous

      I live in a town house and my upstairs neighbors have started doing insanity or something. I find it super annoying because it shakes everything, but they do it for 60 min or less, and from 6-7pm. I think thats perfectly reasonable and perfectly within their rights. For what its worth it doesnt bother my bf at all. So basically go for it- at a reasonable hour.

    • Elle

      Buy 30 day shred. Do all of the resistance and weights work in the apt. Go for a run instead of the cardio portion.

    • M-C

      The “reasonable time of day” thing is the essential bit. I didn’t mind my upstairs neighbor and her rowing machine, but the 6am bit was -heinous-. I think it’d be really considerate if you asked your neighbor whether they can hear you distinctly, and just checked whether they were on the whole morning or night persons, so that if you had to blip it’d be more toward 8am or 10pm, depending on what they’d mind least. Any attempt at even finding out preferences is likely to be appreciated :-). And if not, then you can do your thing without any pangs of conscience.

      • Anonymous

        Haha–you’re reminding me of an *awesome* neighbor I once had. She knew I was going through a breakup and then slowly getting reaquainted with shy guy who’d bolted once before. When I asked her how her 7 am job interview had gone, she managed to laugh and remind me that shy guy had finally gotten to gardening the night before. Sweetest part was that when I apologized, she’d been upstairs telling me “go, go, go!”

  18. Asos

    Do they have stores or is it online only?

    If its all online, have those of you who’ve bought something there found it to be decent quality and TTS?

    • darjeeling

      I think it’s online only, at least in the US. I know others have had more success but I’ve sent back everything I’ve ever ordered from their house brand. The clothes run a little small but usually I’m just shocked at how cheap and/or ridiculous the stuff I’ve gotten looks in person, compared to comparably priced places like H&M or Loft.

    • West Coast Clerk

      I actually bought this shirt a couple weeks ago in the dark wash and it was worth every penny. I ordered a medium, which I normally wear, and it was oversize in a good way (ie. I can’t wait to wear it with skinny pants and boots in the fall). I paired it with a black pencil skirt, pearls, and mustard-suede peep toes the other day for work and was pretty pleased with myself.

      Madewell is a J Crew brand, I believe, and in my experience it generally runs a little small, particularly on the pants.

  19. Anonymous

    Does anyone have photographer recommendations for the Boston/South Shore area? I would like the whole package to be under 3,500, and I love the kind of artistic style like dream love photography or something like that. Thanks!

    • anon

      check out erin chapman imagery. You didn’t mention if this is for a wedding…but she did ours. She was well within your budget, but that was several years ago. Her prices may have gone up….but her work is great.

      • Anonymous

        Thank you! It is for a wedding. Her prices start at 3200 which is def around the average I have seen, but I really appreciate the personal recommendation. It’s so hard to know if they will be good. Can you tell me a little bit about the day? Was she unobtrusive, flexible, etc? Thanks again!

        • Anon

          She was great. Came ff just a little flakey at first, but ee later found out we were, like, her second set Official Prospects ever.(this was for a weddin 4 summers ago). She went above and beyond, and things we figured we’d have to pay extra for or skip were actually all included. She was fun, personable, and unnoticeable during the wedding/reception (in a good way). Our photos were great- my DH was the picky one and he was very impressed.

          She worked very well with our other vendors- it was like we had our own fleet of wedding coordinators! She even dealt with my crazy mother, which not even my MIL/sister can do.

          If you post an email address, happy to share more.

          • Anon

            I should clarify that she came off a little flakey in our first meeting–but she was phenomenal and reliable- it turns out it was just her nervousness
            Since she was so new to clients. I don’t give glowing recommendations lightly (would long recommend one of my other wedding vendors) but she gets a One. No doubt she’ll exceed your expectations as well.

    • to TBK

      do you mind reposting your recommendation? I think you posted one but a bunch of the comments disappeared

  20. am I alone in this?

    I’m just wondering if I’m the only one that feels this way…

    I would say that my life is pretty awesome. I have a great family, lots of supportive friends, and a job I genuinely love (like, I actually wake up excited to go to work). I know these are things many people would kill for, and I am incredibly grateful for all of them. But there’s just one thing. And it’s a big one.

    I’m almost 33, and I’ve never been in a long-term relationship. I’ve never even been in love.

    I’ve been on lots of dates. I’ve clicked seriously with maybe three guys in my whole life, but all of the relationships were relatively short-lived. I’ve never dated anyone for more than five months at a time. And I’ve spent the majority of the last five years completely single.

    Even though I objectively know I can’t be the only one in this boat, and I’m sure no one else thinks about it as much as I do, I do feel like a bit of a freak when I really think about it. I mean, 90% of my coworkers are married. People younger than I am are having kids. Most people are used to the rhythm of life with a partner. I’ll go home sometimes and think, gosh, everyone else is busy having sex and having meaningful relationship conversations, and I’m just… making dinner or whatever (of course, I know relationships are not all sex and meaningful conversations, but still. Those are things I’m definitely missing out on).

    I’m not bitter or depressed about it, really. I went through a phase where I’d cry every time a friend got engaged, but now I feel true joy for my friends as they find love. I remain hopeful that it’ll happen to me one day, and I recognize that it just takes some people a bit longer. I maintain an active social circle and do online dating when it’s been a little too long since I’ve met anyone new. I guess I just wonder if anyone else out there feels this way, and if so, how do you deal with it?

    • Anonymous

      If I’m being completely honest, I feel the same way, but now I’m also terrified that I’ll be in your position in 5 years, because I sort of hope that by then I’ll be settled down. I just try to keep myself occupied and be involved with things I enjoy, in hopes of meeting someone with my same interests, but.

      • am I alone in this?

        Wow. I guess I appreciate your honesty, but it hurts to hear that I’m the living embodiment of something that terrifies you.

        • Anonymous

          Don’t be hurt by an insensitive comment from a 28-year-old who seems to think being the “ancient” age of 33 and single is legitimate grounds for terror.

        • Mulva

          Not to worry. If it is in the cards you will find the right guy. Just don’t go and settle for somebody just because he has a unit and can get you off. There is far more to life than orgasmic sex. The dude has. To be there for you emotionally, and should have a good job.

      • Another Anon

        Anon – I am in the exact same position (and 27 (!)) and this entire conversation is the push I needed to join an online dating site. Today.

    • anon

      There is so much I would like to say in response to this comment. Basically, I feel very much the same way, except I am 35, with my 36th birthday fast approaching in a month. I pretty much am what every single 28 year girl is afraid of turning into, and I am not totally sure how I let myself get into this position. There is one minor difference between your story and mine–I did have one serious long term relationship, and he will always be the one who got away. Since then, I have had a really hard time considering a serious relationship beyond a few casual dates with anyone that I meet. So, anyway, I feel as though my failure in the relationship area of my life pretty much cancels out any other successes. I do have a successful job, I am healthy, I exercise and take care of myself, I am a great friend and sister. I know that I am an honest and supportive person to those around me, and I should feel good about that. I should feel good about my professional successes as well. However, when it comes down to it, none of that matters, because I have failed at the most important part of life, which is relationships. So there is this underlying feeling of failure, hiding in the back of my mind. In general, I am a very happy, pleasant person, but I have this sense of absolute failure that creeps up on me sometimes. It isn’t really a feeling of unhappiness, just of failure. At this point, I am not really even shocked or hurt by the comment from the 28 year old above. I pretty much agree her assessment of my situation. This clearly isn’t shaping up to be a positive response to your concern–but I can say this. I have two or three years on you, and it only gets worse. 35 is obviously THE AGE beyond which having kids becomes less and less of a possibility. Reading this site regularly has confirmed for me that I should have planned a little bit more for a husband/kids in my younger years. So as someone who is a few years older than you, I would say, get to work on finding a relationship. I think I probably needed someone to say that to me a few years ago. The last thing that you want to do is become me in two years. I am telling myself now that everyone compromises, and I just need to try to go forward with someone at this point.

      • Nonny

        My response to this is yes….but.

        I am 38. I ended a long-term relationship that wasn’t going anywhere at 31, and from then to about the age of 36 I didn’t have any relationships that could realistically work. Then I met a great guy through online dating at 36, after I had basically reconciled myself to being single for the rest of my life. Now we are engaged and expecting a baby. So I am here to say it CAN work – you just have to let life happen and for some of us, these things happen later than others. Don’t give up. Enjoy your life and concentrate on being an interesting person, and whatever is right for you will happen.

    • Woods-comma-Elle

      Yup, right there with you. I’ve had quite a few relationships, but all in my early twenties and though at the time I probably thought I was in love, now I’m not so sure. I remember in my mid-20s a then 30ish friend of mine being single for like 4-5 years and thinking ‘wow, how can she never meet anyone, how is it possible, there’s always someone’. Now that I am 31 and about to turn 32, I can see how easily this happens.

      I’m not in a huge rush, because I don’t want to have kids, and I’m kinda at peace with the possibility of never getting married/meeting anyone, but I would still like to experience a ‘grown-up’ relationship and share my life with someone. The thing is, as nice as it would be, I like my little life and I’m not sure it would be so nice that I would actually want to make a huge effort to find someone or compromise to a large degree.

      I don’t know what the take-home from this is (as much as I hate that phrase, it’s apt), other than to say I sympathise and I agree with anon at 8.24am that if you want it, you can decide to make a really big effort to get it. There is still no guarantee that you will find it, but the point is that at least you are doing what you can to make it happen for you. If you don’t want to make the effort, then maybe you don’t want it that bad (this is really a statement about me, rather than anything else).

    • Matilda

      Sorry for the long answer, but its a complex question that ive been thinking about a lot lately: I’m in a similar boat, except that I’m 38, and have never been in a relationship that lasted more than a year (and none in the last three years or so). For me, it just has never really been a priority — I’m not one of those women who’s always dreamed about her wedding or falling in love, I prefer action movies to romances, and I’ve cut short my last few dating flings because I just didn’t think they were important enough to make time for. I’ve also never really been interested in having kids.

      It definitely caused me a lot of angst for a while, ESPECIALLY at family and neighborhood gatherings, and work socials, where I’d look around and realize I was the only one without a spouse or partner. But I finally stopped asking myself “When am I gonna find someone,” and started thinking, “Maybe I won’t find someone, and I’ll just need to build a life I’m happy with myself.” I also realized that not every married person is happily married, and that, even if I were to get married, it might not be a permanent state of affairs no matter how hard I worked. So I’m pretty much at peace with the idea of being single and building my own life — I have a good job, a great social group, an excellent family that includes two amazing nephews, two dogs and a cat, and time to spend on roller derby and writing.

      That said, I do get INCREDIBLY annoyed by the barrage of “so why aren’t you married?” questions, the presumption that I must be looking for a husband (or wife), not getting to partake in the million and one little advantages that our society grants to people who happen to be part of couples, and the general assumption that a person — especially a woman — who is alone is just clearly missing half of what she needs to be a whole human being. However, that annoyance probably isn’t a good enough reason to get married. I’ve just grown a thicker skin, and I try not to worry too much yet about whether I’m going to get turned down for a mortgage because I’m single (I’ll report back on that one).

      So basically, I’d agree with the idea that, if it’s important to you, you might want to direct more energy toward finding a partner (and if having children is important, there are considerations there in terms of your age — otherwise, we are not actually ticking time bombs and you won’t magically turn into that picture on the Old Maid card if you’re still single in 5 years), just like you’d direct energy toward going to grad school or building a house if those things were important. However, I also don’t see anything wrong with admitting to yourself, if it’s true, that its just not a priority, and that you have other ways you’d rather spend your energy. Honestly, I wish I’d admitted that to myself back in my 20s, because I would have spent a lot less time feeling the need to apologize to people when I didn’t bring a date to their parties.

    • anon too

      Wow, this makes me a bit sad to think people are out there thinking relationships are the most important part of life. The most important thing is to be happy – whatever your station in life is! I think you only have so much control over relationships and if you don’t meet someone you click with then you don’t. But fill your life – with friends, activities you love, a job that works for you, family, whatever. It’s tough but if you really want children you don’t have to be in a relationship.

      I’m 41 and my first long-term relationship is the person I’m dating now, we met when I was 39. I’m glad I’m finally trying out a relationship, just because I’m the kind of person who likes to try everything. I have a good job, a great life and a lot of friends. If my BF broke up with me today I’d be sad but I still have everything else. I never wanted children so I have it easier but I have watched so many of my friends waste so much time lamenting the fact that they are single instead of enjoying their lives. I’m not trying to discount how hard it can be on your self-esteem to feel like you’re constantly being rejected when everyone else is marrying, having kids, etc. But make your own choices for your life and your situation and don’t worry about what everyone else is doing. If you want to meet someone and that’s a priority for you, great. Then do what you can about it but don’t beat yourself up. It’s like looking for a job – put yourself out there, do your best, network and feel good that you’ve done the best you can do and enjoy what you have in the meantime.

      A relationship is not the most important thing in your life – you are. Take care of yourself. Life is too short to worry about what you don’t have. Focus on what you enjoy. Don’t wait for a relationship to start your life. Good luck!

      • L

        My comment got eaten so sorry if this posts twice.

        I’m younger than you, but I agree with pretty much all this, even though I’m in a different place in my life. I love my DH and would be sad if our relationship ended, but I would say the same about any important relationship in my life (friends/family).

        I find that when I expect to have X and I get Y, I am always unhappy. I have tried to focus on making the best of life no matter what it is (relationship, career, health, etc). I truly believe if you want to have a meaningful relationship, you will find it. You may have to do something different then what you’ve been doing to get there.

        I’m 27 and pretty much planned on having the OP’s life (that was actually my preferred lifestyle!). Then DH happened and plans changed. Life has a funny way of taking our type A perfect plans and tossing them out the window.

      • Julep

        This. There wasn’t anything I was afraid of turning into when I was 28. You will spend the rest of your life with yourself so take care of you.

    • LH

      From another 28 year old…I actually think a lot of people my age would be very lucky to be in your situation. Despite what some of my braggier friends would have you believe, NOBODY has it all in their 20s or early 30s. I truly do not know one person (myself included) who has a happy relationship, a great family, a supportive group of close friends, and a job they really love that pays them enough to live a comfortable lifestyle. I understand why you want a relationship and I hope it happens for you. If you make finding a relationship a priority, I trust that it will happen. But if it doesn’t, I hope you’ll focus on enjoying all the wonderful things you do have in (what sounds like) your pretty great life. A good relationship is a big part of a happy life, but so are all the other things you mentioned that a lot of people my age (and yours) are still struggling to find.

      • Monday

        “I truly do not know one person (myself included) who has a happy relationship, a great family, a supportive group of close friends, and a job they really love that pays them enough to live a comfortable lifestyle. ”

        I absolutely want to second this. I’m 31 now, and it’s been unbelievable to see how wrong my expectations were for what life looks like at this stage. I have friends in all kinds of different career/family situations, but none of us has everything she was going for. Not a single one. And it’s not for lack of trying or for lack of being a wonderful person, in anyone’s case.

        As I was reading your post, OP, I was thinking that the grass is greener…I have a great husband but am not at all satisfied with where I am in my career, and I often feel like I’ve failed at “the most important thing in life”–it’s just not the same as your most important thing. I hope we can take these observations as an urge, as others have said, to appreciate what we have and try not to dwell on what we don’t. It doesn’t mean you give up trying for what you want, but it does hopefully mean doing it with some kind of unconditional peace in yourself. Your life is still your life, complete, even if it doesn’t include all that you hoped it would. Hugs to you.

    • M-C

      I agree that relationships aren’t the be-all and end-all of life, and that you need one at any price. Definitely someone compatible makes you happier, and someone not can make your life hell instead. But that said it seems that 28 without a serious relationship means there’s something missing somewhere. You may consider a bit of therapy to try and figure out why this has been such a low priority for you, if you were inclined. If nothing else, I’d recommend you make dinner at home less and pay attention to getting yourself out of the house more often. Because you know, relationships don’t just fall from the sky, you have to put yourself out there and do, if not some active looking, at least some being more open to possibilities.

    • Anonnonon

      Not sure if advice from a married person will be helpful (although I am 39 and have the benefit of hindsight) but here goes: First, never settle. I felt how you felt not long ago and while the pressure you feel from others and yourself is hard, but it’s not as hard as feeling like you’re married to the wrong person. Think of this as your time to try it before you buy it, and don’t put pressure on yourself to get to the end game – 10 or so years down the road, it’s probably won’t be the magical happy place you imagine it to be, so why hurry to get there?

      Second, a romantic relationship is not necessarily THE most important thing in life. Don’t get me wrong, it’s nice, but meaningful work, financial security, and great friends are SUPER important too. Don’t worry, your married friends are not rushing home to have sex and then have a meaningful conversation with their partner (BAHAHAHAHAHA – that is a hilarious concept). They’re rushing home to work out, make dinner, and then argue with their husbands about why his socks are on the bathroom floor again, and then daydreaming about living alone or that hot guy from the coffee place they wish they could bang.

      Some “if I knew then what I know now,” advice: Don’t feel bad about yourself for being single and don’t let anyone else get in your head about that. Date, have fun, act like you’re George Clooney. Enjoy your untethered life, have sex with whomever you please, spend money on yourself, treat yourself right, hang out with great friends, and make men/dating/a relationship a part of that but not the focus.

      Finally, the older I get the more I realize how misguided I was for feeling like I should be/have/do XYZ by XYZ age. What a load of shit. I went to law school and struggled for a while to find my way afterward. I felt “behind” because I wasn’t married and hosting brunch or having a baby instead of going to happy hour. Now I see that my path was the right one for me and that while maybe I didn’t own a home or have a child before 30, I’m quite content with my choices now and don’t feel at all like I’m behind (plus I had a hell of a lot of fun). Don’t live on someone else’s timeline. That’s the biggest trap out there. There is no expiration date to marriage/kids (unless biological children are an absolute necessity for you).

      Good luck to you, and remember that you’re awesome!

    • anon2

      there were more comments posted to this thread earlier today which also added really great perspective. Those comments appear to be gone forever, but I just wanted to note that this has been a really honest discussion of something that i am not sue my friends IRL would relate to or want to discuss. Thanks for posting the question, and I hope you feel more at ease after reading everyone’s responses.

    • Midwesterner

      Just wanted to say that I’m 34 and I feel like you summarized my life… so no, you’re not alone in this. I just try to keep my chin up, do the online dating thing, keep busy, and (try to) trust that it’ll happen eventually.

    • January

      I’m 29, roughly in your situation (never had a romantic relationship get off the ground…), and I just wanted to say that I appreciated your post and admire your attitude towards your relationship status. I know it can be a really bumpy road — in the past year alone, I’ve swung between being sad, being angry, being accepting and lately, being kind of wistful. I’m glad you are able to be happy for your friends and to maintain hope, if a romantic relationship *is* what you want someday. Good luck (said as sincerely as possible).

    • Batgirl

      Not sure if you’re still reading this, but my comment was one that was accidentally lost.

      In brief, I would just echo what others had said about not worrying to the point of sadness, but also not being complacent about what you want in your life and when.

      I’ve been worried about this sort of thing since I was 25 (I’m 34 now) and realize that I wasted so much time and energy on it. At the same time, it was really important to me, and I’m glad I took meeting someone seriously.

      I met my boyfriend last year (about a month before turning 33) and we’re talking about marriage now. I’ve had many short relationships that led to nothing and made me feel bad about myself. In the end, I think it had more to do with the guys’ immaturity or the lack of connection between us–with a dash of some issues on my end that I worked out in therapy (see: taking meeting someone seriously–therapy helped me a ton).

      I’m happier with him than I’ve been with anyone else in my life. I still stress about whether we’ll be able to have kids, but it seems like something we could work out together (adoption, IVF, etc) if that becomes a problem.

      We’re not married yet, but I can already tell that waiting for the right person is invaluable. I can’t believe how close I came to settling with other guys that were just wrong for me–all because I started to doubt that the right person even existed. Our relationship is not perfect–nor are we–but it’s filled with love, respect, and deep compatibility on a fundamental level.

      Hold out for that! And have some faith. And maybe freeze your eggs if you can afford it (but you can wait on that for a few years if that freaks you out now). Good luck, chin up! If you’re open to people, it will work out–maybe just not in the way you initially imagined it would…and that’s fine!

  22. rachelellen

    Happy Fourth from a long-time lurker too shy to ever pipe up before.
    I am (I hope) in the last stages of a job search that will take me to a new city. I’m in New York now and trying to get a sense of how to compare salaries and cost of living in both DC and LA. I have checked out some of the tools mentioned before on the board, such as the NACE salary calculator, but my profession doesn’t benchmark easily, so I was hoping anyone with experience moving between those areas might be able to offer personal observations. thank you in advance!

    • Anonymous

      I did a non-scientific survey on this a little while ago. My conclusion was that real estate (rent or purchase) in NYC is higher than either DC or LA. They are all high-price markets. But other costs of living, such as food and transportation, can be a bit lower in NY, as you are likely to need/want a car in either LA or DC. I think it is easier to find free activities in NY and DC than in LA. Overall, the RE prices in NY will slightly outweigh any higher cost items in DC and LA.

    • Seventh Sister

      As a long-time LA person, I’d say that your food/dining costs in LA are either lower or about the same as in NY, and there are a lot of free/low cost things to do in LA, though many fewer than in DC (I so miss the Smithsonian some days). Housing is still expensive, but I feel like you get more bang for your buck in LA than you might in NY (tiny tract house in good neighborhood v. tiny apartment in good neighborhood).

      A car is kind of mandatory, and it can be a big cost because you want/should have something reliable since it’s not fun to break down in a bad or unfamiliar area of LA and then have to wait around for AAA. On that note, roadside assistance is a great idea. Another random cost you want to factor in is parking. I’m cheap as hell, but valet is a great thing and it seems like you have to pay to park pretty often.

      • Seventh Sister

        One more thing: Real estate costs in LA are often heavily based on neighborhood and school district (e.g., a little house in the flats of Beverly Hills is way more expensive than the same house across the street in LA). There is generally a premium to the independent cities (Culver City, Santa Monica, even Burbank) as opposed to LA or unincorporated LA County.

  23. Anonymous

    I just had a summer student interrogate me on my financial situation.

    He basically asked if I was living in my current apartment instead of a more expensive place in order to pay off student loans while we were out at a group lunch.

    It was awkward, and now I feel like my financial situation is under scrutiny, even though the answer was yes, I’m really just being prudent by saving and paying down debt instead of spending 2x the amount I currently do on rent.

    • Monday

      It’s all on him for being nosy. JSFAMO. I think I would have just said something evasive like “eh, it’s never a bad idea to save on living expenses where you can.”

    • M-C

      I could see asking this question in private as part of a conversation like “trying to make up my mind on where to move, and please tell me about your decisions”. But to ask point blank at a group lunch? Rude. Clueless. Deserves any rude answer you could have given. And this a summer student? Don’t answer in any case..

      • Saacnmama

        Is he rude or clueless? You’d be justified in giving a rude response to the first, but it would be much classier to give a nice empty answer; toning down the rhetoric nearly always wins points. If he’s clueless, I would not be impressed to hear you slam him. Why not be classy and kind and clearly inform him that such questions are inappropriate?

        Some people don’t know what to wear; people on this site generally agree that it’s nice to find a way to find an unobtrusive way to let them know. If people don’t know certain pouts of what to act, that’s equally unintended and not a reason to be hurtful.

      • Saacnmama

        MC, if the guy is being rude intentionally, I could see your point, even though I think a classy response reflects better on the OP than rudeness would. But if the student is clueless (not intentionally rude), then I see no reason to be rude any more than one would be in explaining appropriate attire or forms of address or any other office/professional thing.

    • Baconpancakes

      I think Kat’s doing some of the maintenance she mentioned. There were almost 300 comments when I left around 1pm, and now all the conversations I was in have disappeared.

    • Anonymous

      tons of comments disappeared and I couldnt post anything this afternoon

  26. Mice!

    I know it’s late for this thread, but any tips for dealing with mice in the apartment? My roommates won’t store their food in airtight containers (or clean up crumbs and dirty dishes), so I’m pretty sure the number of mice is increasing. The idea of mice in my food or bed (or on me) grosses me out (especially with the poop and pee trails)! I need to email my landlord to get something done, but I’m not sure what, considering my roommates don’t seem to be willing to do much (even though they are more grossed out than I am). [Anything psychological about getting over it is also welcome!]

  30. SB

    Does anyone have any brand recommendations for work-appropriate shoes for someone with plantar faciitis? I work in an office that requires conservative business casual and everything I can find is, quite frankly, hideous or a sneaker. I’m specifically looking for a pair of black dress shoes, leather, preferably with a heel around 2 inches as that’s where most of my pants are hemmed.
    Thanks in advance!

    • I'm Just Me

      Clark’s either the Sugar Dust, Sugar Pie or Sugar Sky.

      Check out the Barking Dogs blog and look for her plantar faciitis posts, I know she has reviewed dress shoes in the past. You may have to dig a little into the archives.

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