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Updated: Nov 1, 2018 266 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Under $150· Weekend Open Thread

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Panacea Geometric-Link Long Chain NecklaceSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. Behold: the perfect long necklace to jazz up simple tops (such as this morning's dress, or turtlenecks, or pretty much anything). I have a similar one like this and, although I'm more of a silver/platinum gal, it's one of the few pieces of gold-colored jewelry I wear. This one is a great price, to: it was $38, then marked to $25, but it comes down to $16.25 with this weekend's sale (even lower if you're buying more than $300, when you get 40% off). Panacea Geometric-Link Long Chain Necklace (L-2)

Sales of note for 9.10.24

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Comments

  1. Anon

    What would you bring to a Tacky Christmas gift exchange (with coworkers, so SFW and under $20)?

  2. Anonymous

    Best anti-frizz products (I think)? I have long fine wavy hair that I’d like to let air dry or braid each day and have it be smooth and lovely (think Kate Middleton). It gets frizzy though. Silicone sprays make it look greasy, and anti-frizz crèmes are quite heavy too. Any ideas? Otherwise, I’m getting it cut.

    • (Former) Clueless Summer

      Kate Middleton’s hair only looks that lovely because she heat styles it. I think it would be pretty rare to get air dried hair that would look even halfway presentable, unless you’re curly. Air drying or braiding hair will result in frizz, even with product, if you have frizzy hair. Gotta flat iron/curl/hot roll it!

        • Anonymous

          Hmm. I should add that I do get smooth waves late in the day many days when it’s pulled back in a coiled twist, so the frizz is a morning thing. Maybe the oils build up during the day to make it smoother?

          • Kanye East

            I have similar hair, and agree with Clueless. FWIW, the only way I can get waves or curls (in addition to your bun/coil method) going to sleep with wet hair in old-school sponge curlers. Yes. Old Lady chic, c’est moi.

            The only thing that will calm frizz or static in fine hair without weighing it down is humidity.

          • Ginjury

            I think your best bet would be to use a simple leave in conditioner. If I were you, I’d shower an hour or so before bed, let the hair air dry mostly. Then apply some leave in conditioner and put it in a loose bun, secured with a bobby pin or two, to wear to bed. That should give you nice, manageable waves.

            If, however, you really want Kate Middleton hair, you should wash/air dry the night before and throw your hair in hot rollers for 10-15 minutes in the morning.

          • Mpls

            You mean, when your hair dries in the bun? That’s why it’s smooth – it’s been held into position as it dries. You won’t get the same thing air drying – it’s about giving the cuticle some direction while it dries.

      • saltylady

        +1000. I think you could get “beachy waves” but not princessy ones with air drying, unless you have naturally straight/smooth hair that just happens to bend a bit.

    • Sparrow

      I like Fredric Fekkai glossing cream. A little bit goes a long way. Not sure how it works with air-drying, but I always use it in damp hair before drying.

      • Parfait

        I love that stuff, and I air-dry. Plus it smells divine. I use a tiny amount once my hair is almost dry but not quite.

    • S in Chicago

      Honestly, hot rollers are super easy. And much faster than doing a braid and waiting for your hair to dry. I usually throw in a few and then let them sit while I’m having breakfast or washing face/brushing teeth/doing make up. Literally only needs like 15 minutes or so and a quick mist of hair spray and shake of the head. That’s what I usually turn to when my hair is looking crazy frizzy or I have bedhead and don’t want to wash, or and I’m just feeling too lazy to blow out and straighten.

      • Sparrow

        +1

        When I had longer hair, I would use hot rollers on days I did not wash my hair. I put the rollers in, finished my makeup, got dressed and then took them out.

      • Melissa

        +2 on the hot rollers. My routine exactly; my hair is fine but it is long and very thick. It actually looks pretty terrible if I don’t use some kind of heat tool for styling.

    • AIMS

      L’Oreal EverCurl Hydracharge Leave-In Cream. A-mazing! There’s also a spray from the same line but it’s hard to find. I basically do a pump of that into wet hair and then air dry. Usually I put it up in a bun for work because it is long, but even w/o the bun it comes out nice (on the weekends, say). My hairdresser turned me on to this line & I’ve been very happy with it. I won’t say my hair looks exactly like Kate Middleton’s but I think for the amount of effort I put in, it’s as close as you can naturally get.

    • Anon

      Run a flat iron through it quickly. Don’t spend a ton of time on it trying to straighten it, but if you just run it down each piece of hair without stopping that will make it smoother and less frizzy.

    • Katherine

      I LOVE the garnier fructis Curl Calm Down Anti-Frizz cream. I have long fine curly hair that frizzes when I let it dry naturally. with this stuff if I let it air dry it keeps a nice curl but isn’t frizzy, and if I put it in before I sleep and I brush out my curls in the morning they’re soft and bouncy but not cray. It was like $5 at CVS, try it out!

        • Kathryn

          I have a really weird method that I use only sometimes. My hair sounds like yours but a bit thicker- it is long and wavy though, and not too course. Someone is most certainly either blowing out Kate Middleton’s hair with a round brush or using a curling iron. I blow mine out most days, btu when I’m feeling lazy I let it airdry in a low ponttail that I constantly twist around my fingers. Yes it’s ridiculous, but after about 2-3 hours it looks almost like I blew it out. I’ll also say it’s not very good for your hair (breakage where the elastic is) but it definitely gets the job done when I’m lazy.

  3. A

    I just started in Big Law. I love having my own office but right now its so sterile and impersonal. Any ideas on office appropriate ways to decorate? I’ve got a few personal photos etc but don’t want to go overboard with that.

    • AttiredAttorney

      Books. Business books, relevant legal books (eg: I have a beautiful, hardbound Black’s law dictionary), historical books (eg photo books of your hometown, anthologies on your alma mater(s)), coffee table books, etc. I throw in a few personal-ish titles (1,000 places to see before you die, an antique copy of Gone with the Wind).

    • Coach Laura

      I think Kat had a post about how to decorate a professional office. Look at the archives. I have three framed/matted ink drawings of Seattle’s skyline/landmarks in my office. I’ve also seen framed prints of buildings from the occupant’s alma mater, travel photos and world maps as nice wall decor.

  4. Anon for This

    In terms of tacky gifts, I’m a fan of the Super Dooper Reindeer Pooper. Maybe with a big bag of root beer jelly beans to round it out. It’s sufficiently juvenile that I think you leave NSFW territory and enter tacky.

  5. Anon

    Occasional poster, anon for this. Hopefully I use the euphemisms right!

    Ladies, I am completely stumped in regard to my and hubby’s garden parties. Hubby is great at the pre-gardening/fertilizer stuff, so that’s not a problem. But for the last couple months, he’s taken to slipping a thumb/finger in my “back garden door” and kind of swishes it around in the middle of partying. He says he read it in a magazine that said women want it “but won’t ask”, so he won’t stop because he’s convinced I like it. The problem is I don’t, and I can’t truly “enjoy” the party so to speak. What should I do? Any and all advice is much appreciated!

      • Anon

        Ahh hit send too early. I’ve told him over and over again that I don’t like it and to please stop, and he just does it anyway because “I know you women just can’t admit you don’t like it.” But he’s got 120 pounds on me so pushing him off in the middle just doesn’t work.

        • Anne Shirley

          So that sounds like sexual assault to me. I understand each couple draws their own lines of appropriate behavior, but if you are at the stage of needing to consider whether you are physically capable of getting him to stop, I think you urgently need therapy. It isn’t okay.

          • JJ

            Yeah, my first thought was that if you’ve asked him to stop and he doesn’t, that’s assault. Period. If you have to consider physically getting away from him, that doesn’t seem okay. Tell him how serious this is and how serious you are about not liking it.

          • Killer Kitten Heels

            I’m Team Anne Shirley here. This is definitely sexual assault. His words/actions are making him sound like a rapist. And he’s doing this in a way that prevents you from physically exiting the LGP? Hellz to the no. Dude needs a serious refresher course on the definition of “consensual.” (Also a smack in his face, but I probably shouldn’t be advocating violence.)

        • Anonymous

          Whoa. I’d stop the LGP’s in this case. Is he serious? Repeatedly trying this again?

        • Ginjury

          This is concerning. My SO is much bigger/stronger than me, but if I tried to push him off during an s*x, I easily could. Not because I’d gain some super strength, but because he’s considerate enough to realize that, if I’m pushing him off me, it’s for a reason. If it’s really the case that your husband sticks a thumb in your bum, you tell him you don’t like it, he doesn’t stop, you try to push him off of you, but he won’t budge, there are some serious issues.

        • TBK

          WTF? I agree with the others. No means no. What do you say to him afterward? Do you ever have a conversation about it afterward and say “I really didn’t like when you did that and I want you to never do that again.”

          Is this the only area in your life where he totally disregards what you say and insists you mean something else? I’m sorry, but if you clearly say “no, do not put your X in my Y” and he does it, there’s a four letter work for that and it’s not f—k.

        • Anon

          Um, if he won’t stop doing that and you’ve made it clear to him, and it even sounds like he’s holding you down and forcing you (?!) he’s assaulting you and you should seek counseling and/or a divorce.

        • Anonymous

          Make dinner. Have him sit down. Say, “I have something to tell you and you are not to interrupt me.” (Repeat as necessary until he actually stops interrupting.) Say, “I do not like the s e x we are having. You won’t listen to my requests and continually violate me. I won’t be having s e x with you again until I can trust you. We’ll discuss this again in two weeks (or two months or two years).”

          If he brings it up at any point in time (screaming, yelling and threatening get 911 calls, btw) just say, “We’ll discuss it in x# of days.”

          You are going to be a broken record, you are not going to argue or be emotional or anything.

          When the time period you’ve given him is up, you can re-asses, but I would demand counselling before going to bed with him again. Actually, I’d demand a divorce, since this strikes me as dominating, controlling behavior, a diminishment of your personhood and probably marital rape.

    • Anon

      Hun, I know you read women like [thing]. I’m glad you’re so into thinking of new and inventive ways to make me happy, but now that I’ve tried it, I don’t like [thing]. Please don’t do [thing], ever again.

      I refuse to use these “lady garden party” euphemisms. It’s gone too far. Back garden door? Jeez-us.

    • Anne Shirley

      Does your husband habitually ignore your preferences or is this a special circumstance? Have you sat him down when you aren’t gardening and told him clearly that you don’t like it, dont want him to do it, and can’t have a fulfilling gardening life with someone who doesn’t respect you? When he does it do you say no! Stop! Push him off you and turn the lights on and leave?

    • anon for this

      DH tried that once and I ended the LGP because it made me so uncomfortable. Too bad, so sad, I previously told him never do it and then he did it (for a similar reason) and it was awkward for a day or so but we got over it. Can you just tell him you’re serious that you don’t like it, and to please cut it out?

    • KLG

      Honestly, I’d talk to him during some neutral time and explain that you appreciate him trying to attend to your needs, but you really don’t like it and if he does it again, you’ll be stopping things right then and there because it really ruins the moment for you.

      Then follow through if it happens and reinforce “Okay we’re done for tonight. I already explained to you that I really don’t like it when you do that.”

    • Anon

      This is just TMI. I get that topics vary widely on this site – but this is just too much. Also, it seems pretty obvious that there is only one solution – tell him to stop and that you really don’t like it.

    • Anonymous

      Punch him in the face the next time he does it. What the hell?! He’s sounds like a real gem

      “I know you’ve explicitly told me that you don’t like this, but since you women are so delicate and too afraid to say what you actually mean, I will determine what you like and want for you.”

      • Sydney Bristow

        I cannot remember who gave me the link or where I read it, but it was a collection of quotes from men’s magazines and quotes from convicted sex offenders. It was really creepy to discover that it was impossible to tell which quote belonged to which source.

        This is absolutely not ok. While fully clothed and not anywhere near the point of having sex you need to tell him in no uncertain terms that you do not like it and will not be participating until he agrees to stop. Then follow through on that stand. Although honestly, he’s already crossed my line by not listening to you in the first place.

      • Anon

        Not one to advocate violence, but I’m with the other anon here. In fact, I think my husband tried it once and I actually DID knee him in the face. Let him try to explain where that black eye came from.

    • Anonymous

      Um, your husband is assaulting you. You are telling him to stop and he isn’t because he is “convinced you like it”. Sounds like a creepy rapist to me.

    • Silvercurls

      Agree w/ all of the “this is NOT right and it has to STOP” messages. Also sending you moral support as you do your best to navigate this crummy, debilitating, downright sh*tty situation. I’m wishing you strength and good companions and probably individual if not marital therapy. Hang in there: you are worth the trouble and the hive will be here when you need to vent. It’s hard to find one’s voice if one is used to being diplomatic instead of direct. BUT it’s a difficulty that’s really, really, worth working through because life is a hella lot better on the other side when one is able to speak up assertively–not aggressively, not self-effacingly, just telling it like it is. Go you and RAWR to the hubs. If he has other good points he needs to focus on those plus learning to LISTEN to you.

      • Senior Attorney

        And also? If you have to leave, life is a lot better on the other side of that, too. It takes a while, but oh my goodness it’s SO much better.

    • Just maybe

      If he realizes she is saying no and doesn’t like it, he should stop, bottom line. That said, he may have been inadvertently trained but a past sexual partner into submissive kink, hard to get, no means yes type. Let’s just say I have a friend that enjoys certain back yard garden activities but doesn’t like to admit it. So said friend demonstrates to guys non verbally what she is looking for by inching the right body parts to the right locations. There are other women out there that play the game of “I have to pretend I don’t want this” and then eventually admit in retrospect that it “felt good.” They knew all along it was what they wanted but would rather die than admit they were into that. Said women put guys in a really difficult position because they are saying one thing while doing another.

      If there is any chance hubs thinks you are in this category and playing submissive or if he thinks you are saying no in a role playing way rather than real way, establish a safe word instead. Tell him that anytime you say the safe word, all gardening must immediately stop. If he doesn’t honor the safe word, you absolutely know he wasn’t confused thinking you were playing games with him.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        This reminds me of girls I met in Catholic College that bragged they made a guy ask for something three times before they would say yes so they look like they are “still good girls.” I totally didn’t get the logic and was like “so you are teaching guys that when you say no they should keep trying?” And they replied well, it’s not like we are talking about something we don’t want to do, we just don’t want to look like we want to do it.” (We are talking about mainstream sex acts here too). So I said, what if you actually don’t want to do something. And they said “then we just keep saying no.” And if they keep asking? And they said well then we just get mad at them. And I replied, “ok, now I see why guys say they don’t understand women.”

        This is why I think sex positive education is so important. Yes means yes and no means no. Period.

      • Joanna Toews

        A safeword is an excellent idea. You should both agree at a nutral time that whenever the safeword is uttered, the action stops immediately.

  6. Anon

    Tips/ideas for dealing with narcissistic moms/family members during the holiday season? Ugh.

    • KLG

      People on this site often recommend creating your own family bingo (think of all the things that person is likely to say/do and then mentally yell bingo every time you hear one) or treating visits with such people as anthropological studies. I think those are great tips.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      My solution thus far has been booze and cookies.

      The five extra Christmas pounds are 100% worth it.

      • anon

        I’m with you Scroogy Heathen! About the only way you can deal with N parents is no contact.

      • SoCalAtty

        Absolutely agreed. In my case it is only 600 miles (NOT ENOUGH!), but I officially “called off” Xmas this year. I had a great long discussion with my husband about why we were going up there – because of guilt, or because he really wanted to hang out with his mom.

        Truth = he is pretty miserable when he is up there, so it really was guilt. The compromise is we do a weekend in Jan after the holidays, and we get to used the “forced time off” (my office is closed, husband’s clients are all closed) to relax and spend it with each other for the first time ever….

        When I said “we’re not college kids that have to run home every holiday break,” that seemed to get through to husband. I also pointed out that we’re both really allergic to cats, and his mom acquired a second cat this year, despite knowing about the allergies, and us having us spend most of our time there either sitting at the kitchen table on chairs with towels over them, or out on the back porch. Think 10 hour days of being held hostage, and she won’t even clean before we come (I offered to have my Uncle’s cleaning people come by, and I would pay for them, but no luck). Anyway now that I’ve (hopefully) set a precedent, it is going to be “Team Christmas Somewhere Fun” next year. Hawaii? Tahiti? Who knows.

        • SoCalAtty

          Yep! If I can score a good timeshare rate, I’ll get a two bedroom and all the ‘rettes can pile in! We’ll have a 0 drama Xmas!

  7. Dallas legal market?

    Re-posting from this morning.

    Could any of you ladies speak about the Dallas/Fort Worth legal market? I’m a biglaw IP midlevel associate from the coast looking to lateral to either another biglaw firm or go in-house. Would appreciate hearing your thoughts on the general market there/any advice on breaking into the market. TIA!

    • A.Carlyle

      I think it is important to have a solid reason to move to DFW. Its a magical gem of a market with great work/hours but more of a lifestyle mindset that still pays market. I’m not sure that that reason would be enough at the Texas-based firms, even the ones that have broken into NY and are less provincial than before, but people with families tend to be able to sell the “great place to raise a family” thing really well. Overall I think the DFW market is certainly open to out-of-state laterals, just be smart about how you sell yourself.

      I think the market is strong but stratified. Some of the smaller or more traditional Texas firms are struggling to find their footing. The New York transplants are doing exceptionally well in Houston, so my sense is that the smaller firms are still trying to slate themselves into the new market. There are also some great IP boutiques here that are worth a look.

      I’m less familiar with the in-house market, but I think Lateral Link would be a good resource there.

  8. jc

    Does anyone have a sentimental gift idea for parents who help put me through law school debt free? I graduated this past May from law school with virtually no debt thanks to my wonderful and generous parents. I have been racking my brain for a thoughtful and sentimental gift to give them to show my gratitude. I plan on writing a heartfelt letter thanking them for all they’ve given me, but I’d like to give them something else as well. Any thoughts?

  9. hoola hoopa

    Ideas for styling a midnight blue velvet maxi skirt and/or matching tank? I’m open to wearing them together or as separates. It’s been in my closet since the 90’s, but I’ve been noticing similar items out now (such as LE’s Elbow Sleeve Velvet Dress, which appears to be the exact same fabric and color) and I’d love to get it out again for the holidays this year.

    So far all I’ve got is fitted black sweater with the skirt and a long necklace or boots/tights and black pencil skirt with the top and a black sweater, but I feel like there are more interesting options out there.

    I have the usual black basics, purple shoes/scarf, green almost velveteen shrunken blazer. Also have brown basics and gold shoes/accessories but I’m thinking those won’t work. Attire at the event will range from slacks/sweater to LBD, so not glitzy enough to have fun with velvet and sequins, etc.

    • tesyaa

      I think silver or pearl gray goes really well with midnight blue. Try a silver cardigan or gray cashmere top. I have no ideas about the shoes but I think a black suede wedge or ballet slipper might work. When you say maxi skirt, I think of a floor length skirt that would cover boots, so I don’t see the point. If it’s just a longer ankle-length skirt (but not floor length), I guess boots would be OK, but that length is not really in style.

      • hoola hoopa

        The velvet skirt is floor length, with enough length for a short heel. I should have specified that it was not that horrible “tea length” that was popular then! That brings back a rush of bridesmaid memories.

  10. Nonprofit Dilemma

    I’m involved with a local nonprofit in various capacities (committees, event volunteer duties, etc.) So far, it is not what I would consider networking, just a cause about which I am passionate. I turned down a Board position in the fall after heavily considering it. The position was one that is related to my field, so could have been a good resume builder. I just don’t feel I would be able to give it adequate attention with my work and professional development things I have going on right now, but I told them to keep me in mind for the future and that I would like to stay involved at my current level. At the time, I had what I felt was a very honest conversation with one of the Board members about my reasons for declining the position.

    Well, evidently at a Board meeting in October, I was appointed as a Committee member in the same area that I declined. I only learned this when the person who was appointed/suggested as committee head declined over email and copied the rest of the so-called committee members. I was very taken aback to find out that way. When I mentioned to someone else in the org, she told me that is what happens when I miss meetings. Why would I be at that meeting when I’m not on the Board? I did not pursue further at the time because it was leading up to our big semi-annual event. Fast forward to today, I get an email telling me this committee will meet next Friday at 1 p.m. I cannot make the meeting, as I have a work event I cannot miss. And – maybe this is just my inexperience with nonprofit boards – but I find one week to not be very much notice for a meeting held during the workday.

    I guess what I am asking is, am I right to be annoyed here? I really feel passionately about this cause, but am tired of some of the politics that go on behind the scenes. After I got the first email about the committee, I was seriously considering stopping all involvement with them due to the way it was handled. Again, maybe I am naive, but is this a normal way to treat volunteers?

    • TBK

      Did you tell anyone besides the one board member that you were not interested in joining the board? It seems like there was miscommunication and they think you’re a member. You’re definitely not obligated to go to a meeting for a committee of a board you declined to join. Even if there was something weirder than simple miscommunication (like the board member you talked to intentionally misrepresented your conversation to the rest of the board), I’d treat it as one to give everyone the benefit of the doubt. But definitely clear this up, especially if you want to stay involved and/or these people work in your field. Even if it was a mistake, now that you know about it, you want to be proactive in clearing up the misunderstanding instead of having people think you’re flaky.

      • Nonprofit Dilemma

        Yes, I told the board member who approached me and the board chair that I was sorry, but here are my reasons, etc. I know it was communicated to the board because someone else told me they were sorry to see I would not be joining them.

        TBH, I don’t know if this committee is comprised of board members only or general membership. I am on another committee for the group that is general membership, but that one requires a lot more hands (planning for the semi-annual event). So it’s not out of the question I could technically be eligible for participating in this committee. It’s the whole being appointed without being asked thing that has me ticked.

        • Jules

          I’m on a nonprofit board (non-networking, just a cause I care about) and we would never dream of “appointing” a non-Board member to a committee of any kind. It seems like basic etiquette to ask if someone is willing to serve, not to draft them. Bad form on the part of this board, and maybe a sign that you dodged a bullet by not joining the board.

          • Anonymous

            Cosign. My board would not dream of appointing someone who had said “no, not right now” to further committee work.

          • Nonprofit Dilemma

            Thank you all! I was worried I was just inexperienced in these things or being a jerk.

  11. Savings TJ

    I feel like it’s definitely been discussed before, but I’m curious about where you all keep/kept your savings for a down payment on a home. Can anyone direct me to that thread?

        • Savings TJ

          Funny. That’s where I’ve been saving it, but I know a few posters recently told someone to keep their savings in a lower risk mutual fund so I wasn’t sure if I’m missing out on something.

    • Senior Attorney

      I used Capital One 360 for a long time but have recently switched to Ally Bank (ally dot com) for the higher interest rate and ability to deposit directly to my accounts via my smart phone.

  12. Etsy rec?

    Looking for any recommendations for an Etsy seller that will do a baked goods gift basket for the holidays. TIA!

    • AIMS

      This is probably not helpful, but I wouldn’t get a baked goods gift basket on Etsy. Most baked goods are much better when they’re fresh and even things that ship well loose a little something in the process. What about finding a local bakery for this sort of thing? They could probably even deliver it for you.

  13. TBK

    Kind of bizarre etiquette question. How do I get the word out that I’m not just lying in bed staring at the wall while on bed rest without sounding ungrateful? I have relatives who never call who’ve been calling me frequently. I tend not to answer during work hours (just as I wouldn’t if I had a personal call at the office, unless I thought it was an emergency) and figure I’ll return the call in the evening when I’m done work. But some of them then call back two or three more times during the day, and a few of them, if I don’t answer, call my mom, my MIL, my husband to see if I’m okay. Plus I have a number of people who’ve said they’re going to “drop by sometime.” I don’t have a ton of medical stuff I need to do, but I do get hooked up to a contraction monitor twice a day, and I’d really rather not have people dropping in while I have my belly out and a bunch of wires on it. (I mean, close friends, sure, I’ll say “hey want to hear the babies’ heart beats?” but not so much random co-workers, etc.) Also, I’ve invited some good friends to come hang out at particular times and I’d rather be able to schedule visitors so they’re not all overlapping (because, hey, a hospital room isn’t that big). Plus, frankly, the situation is stressful enough worrying about how the babies are doing and many of these well-meaning visitors aren’t people I’d really visit with IRL, so feeling like I have to rally and have long visits with them is just more stress.

    On the other hand, people have been really great about reaching out and expressing concern, and I could see myself in their shoes thinking a visit would be a nice thing to do. I don’t want to seem ungrateful (but I’m really gaining some empathy with my grandparents who used to complain about this kind of thing all the time). Is there any way to tell people thank you for your concern, I’m fine, I work during the week, and I do have a bit of a life even if it’s all confined to one room?

    • jc

      Maybe send a mass e-mail to family and friends as an “update” so that they know you’re doing fine and won’t feel the need to drop by. Let them know that you are keeping busy with work, etc. so maybe they will get the hint. At the end you could just make a general statement about how grateful you are for everyone’s concern.

      • Anon

        Posted below by mistake:

        I don’t know if this would work but could you maybe shift the burden of “scheduling” to your husband? That is, if someone wants to see you, say your husband is coordinating everyone’s visits? That way, you’ll get to see the people you want to see without any overlapping, plus then he can sort of ward off the people you don’t want to see by providing a cover for you (like….oh, I’m not sure she’s up to visitors today or, you know, I’m not sure it’s a good day to visit, many doctors checking in on her that day.)..So, not exactly lies but reasonable enough excuses.

        • Em

          I think there are some websites that allow friends and families to all log in and coordinate those things too. Maybe your husband or a close friend or relative could look into setting one up and distributing the contact info.

          • Senior Attorney

            Caringbridge dot org is one I’ve seen used that seems pretty user-friendly.

      • TBK

        That’s actually a great idea. I think my mom has been keeping our side of the family informed, but she doesn’t always understand things and gets the wrong end of the stick (apparently she had a pretty creative take on what was going on with my work, which was not at all correct), plus she tends to the dramatic (not what I want when I’m trying to keep it all low key). It would be a good opportunity to thank people broadly and to give an update at the same time.

        • zora

          I would say to send an email with an update, but also explicitly say in there (nicely) that your day is such that you can’t accommodate a lot of visitors every day as much as you would love to see folks. Set up a google doc spreadsheet with a schedule of visiting times/specific number of blocks for each time (or have your husband do that) and include a link in the email. If you want to visit, I would love to see you, but please sign up for a time on this schedule. i think most people will TOTALLY understand, I felt the same way after my friend had her baby, I wanted to visit but i was so worried about being a pain or overwhelming her. I was so glad to have a scheduled time to see her.

          Also: change your phone outgoing message to: I am working from Xam to Xpm. I would love to talk to you, please leave a message or call me back after Xpm.

          You oculd even keep updates on your phone message so that people know what is going on when they try to call. Not every day, but every week “bedrest at the hospital is still goig well. I am working from—”

          Don’t feel bad about being specific!!! Most people will be glad they can accomodate your wishes, and if anyone is offended that is definitely a Them problem. ;o) Keep resting and gestating and tell those boys to keep growing big!!

          • TBK

            Unfortunately my cell phone is my work phone while I’m here, but maybe changing my outgoing message to be more business-like is the answer anyway (so it will be clear when people call that I am still working). I think I’m just having a bad day, too, and feeling crabby. The hospital staff walks in and out of my room all day and my dad just turned up 2 hours early (he’s visiting for the weekend and I told him I’d be working until 5:00, but he showed up at 3:00), and I just miss being able to be “not at home” when I want, and to have the option of retreating behind my own four walls sometimes. Wah. Feeling very crabby indeed today.

          • zora

            Aww, of COURSE you feel crabby! That’s completely understandable. Feel as crabby as you want… you are busy creating two humans, you get a pass on almost anything else. ;o)

            But that’s why I suggest trying to head things off at the pass so you don’t have to deal with them indivdually. Definitely figure out some professional outgoing message that makes it clear that you can handle personal calls after X oclock or whatever. Sorry people are bugging you and making you crabby!!!

            Also agree with trying to see if your husband can run interference on some of these crabby-making things. ;o)

      • mascot

        Yes, I think a mass email would help to let people know how you are doing, as well as involving Mr. TBK. I’d also have your mom run interference with the relatives.

        • AIMS

          This is a great idea. You can do a couple of separate ones, copy and pasted as needed, to different groups: e.g., family, friends, coworkers, etc.

          A friend of mine does this from time to coordinate her large family and it works fairly well.

          Continue to rest up and take care.

    • rosie

      I like the idea of periodic mass email updates, and also a note that all visitors should schedule in advance because the hospital/your schedule doesn’t work with drop in visits (either schedule through your husband, you, a spreadsheet, etc.).

      Also, I don’t think you need to focus so much on the fact that you cannot talk to people because you are working. I would also find it totally understandable that you didn’t want to lie in bed all day and have the same conversation over and over with people of varying degrees of closeness about your health, their concern, what ifs, etc. Plus, if you start using work as an excuse (and again, I think you need no excuse), you open yourself up to all sorts of “helpful” comments about working while on bedrest, stress from work affecting your health, etc., which I feel like will not be pleasant.

      • Silvercurls

        Is there anyone on the hospital staff (preferably at a desk between your room and the elevator lobby) who can be relied on to screen and limit your visitors? Can you put out the word that as per “doctor’s orders” you can’t have visits for any longer than X time and no more than Y visitors per day? Warning: Getting creative with the truth could end up being even more stressful if anyone screened-and-excluded learns that you are giving a select few people (e.g., DH) special extended visiting privileges. I’m not saying don’t do this; I’m saying do this carefully and try to anticipate leaks before they happen, or whether the aggravation of being found out would undo any benefits of being deceptive for self-preservation. You know the people best.

  14. Anon

    I don’t know if this would work but could you maybe shift the burden of “scheduling” to your husband? That is, if someone wants to see you, say your husband is coordinating everyone’s visits? That way, you’ll get to see the people you want to see without any overlapping, plus then he can sort of ward off the people you don’t want to see by providing a cover for you (like….oh, I’m not sure she’s up to visitors today or, you know, I’m not sure it’s a good day to visit, many doctors checking in on her that day.)..So, not exactly lies but reasonable enough excuses.

  15. Echo

    Happy Friday! What was/were the highlight(s) of your week?

    Mine were: snow delay Monday, snow day Tuesday, and singing in Andrea Bocelli’s concert last night! I made all my poor coworkers look at my backstage pass and pictures today. : )

    • Anon

      We took our cat and dog to the vet for their annual checkups and both are in perfect health. Makes me happy because they are awesome and much-loved members of the family :)

      • Famouscait

        Ditto this. I took my Golden to the vet yesterday to have numerous lumps and bumps checked out and the vet said all was well. Such a relief!

      • Marise

        Congrats! I argued at the Cal. Sup. Ct. a few years ago and it was the highlight of my career. I’ll be keeping my fingers crossed for you!

    • marketingchic

      Meeting two major work deadlines, and playing piano and singing Christmas carols (both badly but with enthusiasm) with my little boys.

    • NOLA

      When I came downstairs one morning and found a snowman ornament disemboweled on the floor by my cat. I wish I’d take a pictures.

      Okay that and skipping out early today after completing a big project and going to lunch with my friend and colleague.

    • Senior Attorney

      I took the day off today to take delivery of a duplicate set of my favorite chair and ottoman. The top of the ottoman reverses into a c o c k tail table, so now that I have two of them I will no longer have to choose between putting my feet up and putting my wine glass in a safe, convenient spot. And… the day off! :)

    • Ellen

      The higlight’s of my week was finisheing a big presentation for the manageing partner. I was so busy all day that I am joining in VERY LATE, haveing JUST come home @ 7:30 PM on a Friday! FOOEY!!!

      The manageing partner is giveing a presentation on the impact of RES JUDICADA in premises liability case’s and my job was to get applicabel precedent under BOTH NY and NJ laws, even tho I am NOT admited in NJ. So I looked a little on GOOGLE and then asked a freind who knew someone from Newark to call me. He did NOT know much about RES JUDICADA, but he seemed pretty nice for someone from Newark. He said I should send him a picture of me so that he could match a name to a face, but I told him I would NOT be goeing to Newark any time soon, so he then said he get’s into the City about 1x a month so I probably could meet him b/c he is planning on comeing in before New YEAR’S to see the tree. I figured out he was talkeing about Rockfeller Center and told him I already saw that tree when I went to Zara and he said that I probabley would NOT want to meet him. I felt bad b/c he was a little NERDY, so told him I am NOT stuck up and would see him if he came into town but I am goieng to Myrtle Beach so would NOT be around.

      Now this guy (Will) want’s to meet me, but he asked about my body. FOOEY! I have enough to deal with the guys around here, but not a NERDY guy from Newark who does NOT know anything about RES JUDICADA wants to know about my body? FOOEY! I am glad I do NOT work in NJ b/c I would have to take another BAR exam. The manageing partner was considereing opening a WC practise in NJ, but I told him I would NOT take that bar just to do WC law in NJ, b/c I have to much work in NY to expand my practise.

      I bought a Mega Millions ticket on my way home so that if I win, I can stop workeing full time. I told Myrna I would still consider being a JUDGE (part time) or a Part time Partner here. I have to start listening to the manageing partner b/c he is going to present me to all of the partners formaly as a JUNIOR partner in January! YAY! Me, Ellen Barshevsky, a PARTNER! Grandma Leyeh is so happy! DOUBEL YAY!!!!!!!!

  16. SV in House

    Just after Christmas, my husband and I will be taking a red eye from the west coast to JFK, arriving at 7:15am. Our next flight does not leave until 3:45pm. Different airline, no checked bags. I haven’t flown through JFK in ages. My husband is one who will want to go into Manhattan, whereas I would be perfectly fine staying at the airport. Anyone know of any good things to do in or near JFK? I’d love something like the Singapore airport, which has a day spa.

    • anne-on

      JFK has a number of XPress spa stations where you can get your nails/toes done, massages/etc. But in the surrounding areas? Not a ton, its a pretty weird section of Queens and there certainly isn’t anything right nearby. The trains are all geared towards getting you into the city, and honestly the airtran (though improved) is long, and a total pain. I’d vote for staying in the airport and maybe paying up for a lounge pass to relax/freshen up in peace.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t have any suggestions (although the JFK airport website probably has a list of services in the airport), but I would not leave the airport. Getting to and from JFK can be a hassle and by the time you made it off the plane, out of the airport into Manhattan, it could be around 10:30 a.m. (on a good day with no traffic). You’d have to be back at the airport by 2:45 for your next flight, so you’d have to leave Manhattan at around 1:30 to get back (again, on a good day with no traffic) and 3 hours does not seem worth it. Not to mention, about $150 in cab fare.

    • AIMS

      JFK is pretty lame, although if you have to be stuck there the Jet Blue terminal is on the nicer side (as far as food and drink choices go). There is some limited shopping too: besides the usual books and magazines, there’s a Met Museum Store, Brookstone (I think) and Brooks Bros. You can get a manicure at one of those nails express places but it’s not great.

      There is not much to do near JFK. I mean you could probably go to Flushing and have some great Chinese food or something along those lines, but it may be more of a hassle than is worth.

      If you can check your bags/leave them somewhere, it is fairly easy to get into Manhattan on the Air Train (and switch to regular subway or LIRR) but you’ll need to budget at least 1 hr each way (fastest way is air train to Jamaica station & transfer to LIRR to Penn Station, which lets you off in the west 30s in Manhattan), so not sure if it’s worth it. Taxi may be a bit faster but it’s $45 + toll & tip each way and you need to budget time for traffic. In the morning and afternoon, you’re looking at potential rush hour traffic each way.

      I suppose one other idea for something to do if you can leave your bags is the Spa Castle which is about 20-25 min by car from JFK. http://spacastleusa.com/ny/ It’s not your typical spa but it is really fun and awesome.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      JFK is kind of out in the boonies – plan to budget at least an hour to get back and forth to the airport if you do go into Manhattan, and don’t forget to factor in really long security lines on your way back in (so, if your next flight is 3:45, you’ll want to be on the security line no later than 1:45, which means you’ll want to be on the subway heading back to JFK by 12:30/12:45).

      Personally, I’d look into buying a pass for one of the airline lounges and relaxing there with a book or a movie or two, but if you’re set on going into the city, the Rockefeller Observation deck is cool (and you’ll get to see the tree!), and it’s not too far from the subway you’ll need to take to get back to JFK. Bryant Park is also nice and near the right subway.

      • Anon

        I concur with this recommendation. I would not leave the airport. Assuming your flight is on time, you still won’t be out of the terminal for at least 30 minutes (even without luggage). I spent the last 3 years commuting from LA to NYC twice a month on a red eye and stopped using JFK after a few weeks of 1.5 (or longer) hour car trips into midtown, opting to fly into Newark instead (into midtown via car service in under about 45 minutes). You will be trying to get into the city during rush hour so bank on it being at minimum an hour inbound and another hour outbound. Add in the security line on the way to flight #2 and you’ve eaten up 3 hours. It’s just not practical — by the time you get into the city, it would just about be time to turn around and go back to the airport. I’d much rather sit in the lounge, drink the free drinks and watch a few movies.

    • AnonBK

      If you take the subway into the city you should be fine to hang out for a few hours (regarding the time). I would suggest going somewhere off the A train so you can just hop right back on (and keep in mind to give yourself an hour on the train from brooklyn locations, 1-2 hours on the train from manhattan locations). The west village/greenwich village or brooklyn heights might be easy, convenient choices for a few hours in the city.

    • Anonymous

      I wouldn’t leave the airport….but if you do, don’t go to Manhattan. Take the Airtrain to the A, transfer to the C and get out in Brooklyn (Lafayette stop). There’s a cute indie bookstore, some funky good restaurants, a place that sells real NYC bagels, and a nearby Target (in case you forgot anything). All within a couple of blocks. Look up places in Fort Greene / Clinton Hill.

      Go into Manhattan and you WILL miss your flight. (I once had a whole bridge shut down.)

    • Pink

      I would take the E into midtown (you can get off at 5th and 53rd) and hang out by the rockefeller center area (shopping, food, tree!) and then take the E back. It takes around 45-1 hr (including the airtrain)

  17. anonforaminute

    I’m sorry to be a downer on a Friday, folks, but I just got ambushed with a “come to Jesus/you are sucking at your job” meeting and I am really really angry about it (bc of lots of back story I can’t get into) .. and kind of just had to get it out…

    Again, sorry, we now return you to your regular TGIF weekend open thread programming ;o)

    • anon

      This happened to me last week…and I just can’t shake it. And then I found out today that I will basically not be able to take any extra time at Christmas. Then to top it all off a younger co-worker who is married with two kids says “well, your still single – so not having a lot of time at Christmas shouldn’t be a big deal.” HELLO. So apparently now single people are not entitled to still have a family or a holiday?!?!

      Humpf. Rant over – but anonforaminute- I TOTALLY feel your pain.

      • zora

        UGH. why do people suck so much? ;oP RAWRRRRR
        but thanks for your commiseration ;o)

      • Melissa

        I have heard so many versions of that argument over the years; it still infuriates me. And frankly I also get annoyed by co-workers (both genders are equal offenders, BTW) who decline meetings/projects/etc. due to “family commitments”… and naturally I am the person who must step up and and fill in to support the team.

        It’s a quandary for me (whether or not to tactfully complain about always being the backup for my coworkers) because philosophically, I agree with my employer’s position that – within reason – family should come first. It really does make for a more pleasant work environment when you don’t have to agonize whether you’re going to be fired for taking off a week to spend time with a hospitalized child/parent/etc. But a married person’s holiday time isn’t more important than my own, simply because I am single with no kids. I suppose my true issue is with those people who take advantage of the policy.

    • Anon

      What is a “come to Jesus/you are sucking at your job” meeting? Were you being proselytized to? Fired? At any rate, sorry to hear it was so angering…

      • NOLA

        Hmm… maybe it’s a southern thing but a come to Jesus talk is where someone sits you down and chews your @ss about something.

          • Anon

            Hey, I just want to say kudos to you for getting angry instead of being crushed.

          • anonforaminute

            ssiiigghhh, i mean i am also upset, but i’m also angry because it is total bs for reasons i can’t get into. But I’m also mad at myself, because I know i should have run away from this mess a long time ago ;oP

  18. Burn Out

    Hi Hive –

    Any tips for dealing with burn out? Overall, I love my job and boss (I know, I should just stop complaining now!) but I am getting burned out on one project I am working on that doesn’t have an end in sight (can’t divulge too much about why there is not a defined end without outing myself but it has to do with Congress and their dysfunction.) Does anyone have tips for managing through a work rut? TIA!

    • AnonInfinity

      Can you take a few days off to recharge and not think about work at all? If not a few days, at least a weekend or afternoon.

    • MJ

      Plan a vacation. Even if it’s for a long time from now (~6 mos), it will get you excited. Just book something, and send the ” I will be out of the office from X to Y and completely off the grid. Please coordinate with me prior to that time if you need [].” I swear, your shoulders will spring up with the lightening of the load in that you will have some work-free time, sometime in the near future. Just do it. There has got to be someone at your work that can cover for you while you take the time you deserve.

      Alternately, take a mental health sick day. The world will not end without you. But only do this if you think it won’t be worse the day you get back….If you can’t take a whole day, invent two back-to-back dr’s appts such that you cannot come in for an afternoon. It is very freeing to just run away for a few hours, sometimes.

      Also, I know this sounds terrible, but count your blessings. There are a lot of people less fortunate, and sometimes when I am in whiny, “Why me?” mode from overwork, (which, admittedly, is frequent) I remember that I am sitting in a nice office, with a nice paycheck and a nice home to go to…and a lot of people in this world would be grateful to have health, or enough to eat, or a roof over their heads. Sounds cheesy, but true. A few years ago I was in a really bad work rut. I took a trip to Budapest and Poland. I visited Auschwitz. Came back to work with a whole new lease on life. I am not being flip–realizing that there are actual horrors in life made me understand that while I was not 100% satisfied at work, I was still very, very lucky. Hopefully this trick will work for you.

      Good luck….

      • OP

        Thank you all! I am planning a vacation and counting my blessings! Thanks and Happy Holidays!

  19. Decisions

    Anyone here have experience making a decision between a relationship vs. a great career opportunity? I’m in my mid-20s and have been seeing my SO for about a year. I am considering going to business school and I have a reasonable chance of getting into one of the top schools, but they are all far away from where we live. We both love our current city, and even if I go to graduate school, I want to return here upon graduation.

    My SO has made it very clear through both his words and actions that he loves me/sees a future together. He also let me know that he won’t follow me across the country to a top school and does not think a long distance relationship would work given how rigorous business school would be. He really hopes that I stay nearby (he is open to moving to another city with me if its relatively close) but does not want to limit me from attending a top school if that is what I choose.

    He is someone I can see myself marrying, and it seems like he feels the same way. Over the years, women have warned me of making big career compromises because of a man, and while I understand where they are coming from, I’m not sure I can make such a big compromise in my personal life because of my career…

    • Anon

      I would want my partner to fully support my dreams. If that means being long-distance for a couple of years so I can go to business school, then we will get through it. I would not see a future with someone who did not recognize and support how important this is to me.

      • Senior Attorney

        I agree with this. The refusal to consider a LDR is disappointing.

      • Bonnie

        This. DH and I were long distance for two years while in grad school and it only made our relationship stronger.

      • Platinomad

        This

        While I understand his position and have probably felt that way myself, if people are both going to pursue serious careers these sorts of things will come up and I wouldn’t want a partner who wasn’t a bit more open to compromise

    • Anonymous

      My fiance and I did long-distance while I was in grad school and he was starting his career. It had its moments, but it really isn’t that bad. A lot of people say “I’ll never do long-distance” but then do it because they’ve met the person they want to spend their life with. Long-distance isn’t so bad if there’s an end in sight (so if its just for a year or two). We had to make some sacrifices like I had to limit my job search (thus extending my unemployment period) so that we could end up in the same city, but it was totally worth it. I would try long-distance or either break up, but I wouldn’t stay close just because he doesn’t want to move for a few years.

    • anon

      I don’t think business school is “that” rigorous, compared to law school and medical school. And plenty of people who have attended law school and medical school have managed their long distance relationships just fine. I call BS.

      • Anonymous

        I agree with this. I went to grad school full-time and worked 20 hrs a week and I still had a normal amount of free time to see my SO or talk on the phone.

      • BB

        Agree. I went to a top 10 (or 3 or 5, depending on who’s counting) bschool and there were tons of people with long distance relationships, myself included although I was/am married. Bschool is as rigorous as you make it. Some people burn themselves out trying to ace everything, attend every party, do way too much recruiting, and join 10 clubs.

        However, I agree with the poster above who says that if he isn’t willing to consider 2 years of long distance for what would probably be a lifetime together, then there are deeper problems.

        • MJ

          Cosign. B-school was all-encompassing, in that you’re in a little bubble, but if you have a great study group, you can sneak off for weekends away and visiting your SO. Totally doable. There were a ton of ladies in my class in LDRs, and many of them got engaged or married our second year or just after school (due to financial aid). He should be willing to wait for you. Or, sorry…he’s just not that into you. His unwillingness to consider a LDR is really a hidden ultimatum, making you choose between your life goals and him, and that’s lame.

      • Anon

        Agree with this as someone who went to business school and law school (and didn’t do them as a joint degree). Business school was easy – I worked about 20 hours a week while going “full-time”. It’s not nearly as rigorous or time consuming as law or med school.

    • WestcoastLawyer

      In general, I would say wait until you know where you’ve been admitted so you have actual facts to deal with. For example, if you get into the #2 and #5 programs nationwide, but #5 is local and #2 is across the country I don’t think you’d be giving up much in terms of career potential to stay put. But if you are talking about #2 vs. #30 (for example, if there aren’t any highly-ranked schools where you currently live) it may be a tougher choice.

      Since it sounds like the latter scenario might be the case, I’m going to say that it sounds like what your SO is saying biols down to – I’m not willing to do a long-distance relationship or move for you, but I’m expecting that you will make all the concessions and stay put if you want to stay in this relationship. This would be a concern for me and I’d give some serious thought to whether he expects his geographic preferences to dictate your career options.

    • wildkitten

      So he wants to marry you as long as you won’t inconvenience him with your own ambitions? That seems lame.

      • Monday

        Yeah, so many of my female friends have gotten this message over the years–sure, I want to be with you, just as long as you plug right into my life exactly as I’ve arranged it, without any of your own needs or plans! This is not a true commitment to my mind. I don’t pretend that relationships don’t sometimes involve compromising in our careers, but it’s essential to know, and to be able to prove, that your partner would do the same for you. And it doesn’t sound like he’d even consider it.

    • lhh

      Long distant in business school works, my SO and I did it for a year. Not to sound crass but if you both talk about the future and he’s not willing to try long distance that may be deal breaker for me. Long distance is expensive, takes a lot of effort and sacrifices but totally worth it in the end. If you want to move back to the city you met then I think that is a huge argument for long distance because a.) you’ll be moving back in 2 years b.) try to get an internship/summer job in that city as well.

    • Anon

      Apply to them all, near and far, and see where you get in. When does it start, next fall? I wouldn’t make the sacrifice to stay unless you guys got engaged – and given that you will have been going out for over a year and a half at that time, you probably have a good idea of whether you want to or not. Honestly, business school is not that long and if you actually want to marry someone, you’ll make the sacrifice.

      • Anon

        That goes both ways… if he wants to marry you, he’ll make the sacrifice and either work at a long distance relationship or relocate with you for two years.

    • TO Lawyer

      I haven’t refreshed so haven’t read any responses in the last couple of hours but I wouldn’t compromise my career for anything less than an engagement ring. I had what I thought was a similar yet opposite situation – we were long distance and I was considering sacrificing my career to move to his city and I am so glad I didn’t do that for a boyfriend. While engagements and marriages can also end, they don’t end as easily as relationships do.

      How would you feel if you passed on a school you loved and then ended up breaking up with him? If you can live with that kind of consequence, maybe it’s not the worst thing in the world but I would not risk my career and future livelihood for a boyfriend

      • AnnonFoo

        Well said TOLawyer, late comment but just wanted to add. I am so glad I never left my high paying job to move to another coast when my ex had to relocate. We did long distance for about a year (all my vacation days gone + several red eye flights + money/time spent travelling) but in the end broke it off for usual compatibility issues not tied to LDR per se. I am so glad I did not take a lower paying job just to be with him but made a decision I felt most comfortable with. Sure it is not easy, I am almost 30 and still not in a relationship at that level where I could see a possible future. Still I am glad I kept my job and career path which has seens some good promotions and bonuses that I would have missed out on.

    • Ellen

      If you have had sex with him, and he care’s about you for more then sex, I agree he should be willing to work with you, includeing moveing if that mean’s you are getting into a good school. You have NOT told us what he is doieng, and if he just has a schlubby job, he had BETTER be willing to follow you or I would tell him the relationeaship is EGGZOVER. That should bring this schmoe to the table. Alan was lazy, but he knew that I had alot of potential so he never did to many bad thing’s at once. If your guy doesn’t start respecteing you, just say FOOEY and move on after telleing him to hit the road. FOOEY!

    • emmabean

      From personal experience, it’s easier now for him to say no LD relationship, but if he really feels th. Strongly about you, he’ll keep it going once he realizes you’re going anyways.

    • Divaliscious11

      He is someone you see your self marrying but can not support you achieving your goals/dreams for 2 years? Red, red flag……

    • Anonymous

      Fwiw, I do not agree with the other posters. A long distance relationship is not for everyone. It doesn’t mean he’s a jerk because he has said it’s not something he’s interested in. It just comes down to your priorities in life.

      • Senior Attorney

        I don’t think anybody is saying he’s a jerk, necessarily. But we (me) are saying that somebody with those priorities is probably not a good match for somebody whose career is super important and who is going to be looking at moving around in order to accommodate that career.

  20. Gifts

    I know we’ve done this to death, so if this isn’t your cup of tea please ignore. But I need to get a gift for a 7.5 year old girl and I am stumped. I’m thinking some kind of book and some toy, but not sure what kids that age like. In the past, I’ve done dress up clothes, but I think she’s a little past that age. Parents and aunties, what are your girls into?

    • Anonymous

      The Ramona Books if she hasn’t already read them. Or just ask her parents.

      • BB

        Oh my god, are these still “in”?! That’s awesome! I totally loved these as a child and I think they were already kind of dated by then.

    • zora

      NEVER TOO OLD for dress up clothes!!!!! ;o) srsly, 7.5 is not too old. We were putting on plays in the basement until 12/13 years old.

      I always think fun dress up clothes are a great gift! My other go to is classic childrens books. Might be a little old now, parents might have to read them to them, but they never go out of style. Peter Pan, King Arthur stories, Narnia books, Little Women. Anything like that.

      • Mpls

        Little House on the Prairie – I totally read those books in 2nd/3rd grade.

        • zora

          yes! … Actually my solution is usually to gift whatever were *my* favorite books, and then I write that as a note in the front. I feel like it’s a little more special that way.

    • SV in House

      The rainbow loom is very hot this year, if she doesn’t already have one. If she likes American Girl, they have good books (sets with a mini doll are often available at Costco).

    • Mpls

      One of the American Girl historical novel sets (there are 6 for each of the girls)? That could be a gateway to the American Girl thing, though.

      I know there were also a series of craft books that came with supplies, so it was interactive as well – like braiding/knotting hemp bracelets, and it came with twine and beads. I can’t remember the name of the brand at the moment, though.

    • Anon

      Does she have a Rainbow Loom? All the elementary school age girls in our family are obsessed with it!

      Books–Magic Tree House, Junie B. Jones.

    • Anon

      One year, my daughter got a mini cupcake making set (came with a book, mini liners, mini pan, apron and pot holder, and some decorating tools) and she LOVED it!

    • Lobbyist

      Rainbow loom, other friendship bracelet/make your own art stuff. Perplexus. Yo Yo. Simon (it’s back — I just saw it at a toy store!), Hair accessories. Fun bath stuff (bubbles, body wash, pouf, etc).

    • Senior Attorney

      All I have to say is that I don’t know what a Rainbow Loom is, but I think I want one…

    • Anon

      Craft projects or make your own something kits are always fun. If she’s past dress-up age, she might be into a makeup set if she’s not too young for it.

    • Anonymous

      The WondLa books: lightly (but beautifully) illustrated, sci-fi, female heroine, nice emotional messages about family and friendships. Also American Girl Dolls, etc. A kid friendly cookbook (and supplies!) or craft kit/ book and supplies. Also the perfect age to intro a kid of either gender to Avatar: The Last Airbender (greatest animated television show ever? or just greatest show ever?)

    • DC Association

      honestly – you don’t have to get dress up clothes, just get some cute real outfits. A LOT of girls that age are really into clothes. My niece is 8 and she has been into clothes for at least 3 years. All she wants to receive are outfits. Which works for me, since I love to shop and I have a boy!

  21. aw

    Hey everybody. I’m a 1L and I’ve been volunteering at a legal aid clinic for the past 6 or so months. I want to write something nice in my Christmas cards for the both the paralegal and the attorney I work with. I have the basic happy holidays, may your family be blessed, etc. down but wanted some suggestions on how to thank them for all they have taught me. I’m really thankful for both of them but don’t want to go overboard.

    Thanks!

  22. Dulcinea

    Hi Everyone, I read this on bitter lawyer .com earlier today. The link isn’t working now but I emailed myself a portion of the article (it’s about different interpretations of the duty of zealous representation). I’m going to paste the quote below and I would love to hear from other lawyers if they feel it resonates with them…it’s definitely ringing very true for me at the moment as I struggle to prepare a brief that’s due on Tuesday and I still have SO MUCH more to do on it…

    The quote:
    The Terminally Afraid of not Being a Good Attorney Attorney: And the M. Night Shymalan twist here is that this attorney is every attorney. This category even encompasses the above bastardi$ations of the zealous advocate. Because, no one knows what zealous advocacy means! It’s not a real thing. And attorneys are not confident souls. They wouldn’t need to puff their chests out and act like peacocks if they were. And even if we were filled with confidence, how do you be something when no one knows what that something is?

    Instead, we all constantly worry that we aren’t doing the best thing. We are racked with guilt when we agree to a settlement in a case where we didn’t know if we could win at trial. The thought that maybe we could have won digs into us at every turn. We have to constantly asses the value and winnability of cases, but we don’t have crystal balls and we don’t actually know what a judge or jury will do. We are advising people on best guesses and we are terminally concerned that our best guess wasn’t good enough. None of us know know what a zealous advocate is and we aren’t at all sure that’s what we are.

  23. Senior Attorney

    “Thank you for all your help and support during the past six months! I appreciate it more than you know and can’t wait to learn more from you in the coming year.”

  24. Dulcinea

    UGH, forgot to edit one of the words…so sorry if this posts 3x

    Your comment is awaiting moderation.

    Hi Everyone, I read this on bitter lawyer .com earlier today. The link isn’t working now but I emailed myself a portion of the article (it’s about different interpretations of the duty of zealous representation). I’m going to paste the quote below and I would love to hear from other lawyers if they feel it resonates with them…it’s definitely ringing very true for me at the moment as I struggle to prepare a brief that’s due on Tuesday and I still have SO MUCH more to do on it…

    The quote:
    The Terminally Afraid of not Being a Good Attorney Attorney: And the M. Night Shymalan twist here is that this attorney is every attorney. This category even encompasses the above bastardi$ations of the zealous advocate. Because, no one knows what zealous advocacy means! It’s not a real thing. And attorneys are not confident souls. They wouldn’t need to puff their chests out and act like peac*cks if they were. And even if we were filled with confidence, how do you be something when no one knows what that something is?

    Instead, we all constantly worry that we aren’t doing the best thing. We are racked with guilt when we agree to a settlement in a case where we didn’t know if we could win at trial. The thought that maybe we could have won digs into us at every turn. We have to constantly asses the value and winnability of cases, but we don’t have crystal balls and we don’t actually know what a judge or jury will do. We are advising people on best guesses and we are terminally concerned that our best guess wasn’t good enough. None of us know know what a zealous advocate is and we aren’t at all sure that’s what we are.

  25. Monte

    I need new skinny jeans. I have ones by Gap and others and they are just terrible — they stretch out so easily, the wash is mom jeans-ish. I think I need jeggings, but I have a deep, deep hatred for leggings and don’t want anything that looks like leggings. I just want skin tight jeans. And I have a big butt, noticeable hips, and a small waist. Normally, I would go with Joe’s Jeans because they make good jeans for those of us with behinds, but their skinny jeans get terrible reviews. Anyone have any brand suggestions?

    • Monday

      I have some Loft modern skinny jeans that work well for me–similar proportions to you and wanted similar (tight but not looking like leggings). The one caveat is that they may have changed over the past couple of years. Also I find that the color (dyed) ones are often thinner and lower quality than blue, black and gray at Loft.

    • Wildkitten

      Watch for length if that matters for you. Ankle is the trend so many are very short.

    • Echo

      I’ve been eyeing J Brand for a while. I have skinny jeans/jeggings that fit amazingly, with the same shape as you. Embarrassingly, the only brand I have found that has the perfect combination of stretch/jean thickness/small waist is… Hollister. Yes, the preteen brand. It’s amazing how well they fit, and they come in different lengths as well. Worth a try if you don’t mind wading through the perfumed store air.

      • Killer Kitten Heels

        Just got J Brands a few weeks ago, and they are amazing – definitely a step up in price bracket from Gap/Loft/BR/etc., but I’d strongly recommend them.

    • Willow

      Try the BR Sloan pants. They look great, mask flaws, and feel like you are wearing pajamas. I am similarly shaped, and I sized up so they would be more flattering. Give them a try!

    • Monte

      Thanks for all the input. I will probably try to Joe’s and Loft ones, though my experience with Loft quality makes me a little gun-shy. I know myself well enough to say that there is 0% chance of me going to Hollister, but I will see what is available on line. And the BR pants look too work pants like — I don’t wear pants outside of work (just jeans and skirts), but it may be worth taking advantage of some sale or another to check them out.

      Thanks, all! And any other suggestions are welcome, too.

      • Anon

        I would also suggest trying the BR skinny jeans. They are substantially better than the GAP ones in my experience, but seem to have a similar fit.

      • Melissa

        Try Paige denim. They’re a little pricey but basic colors are almost always available at Nordstrom Rack or NM Last Call. I have the same figure you described; this is the only brand of jeans which don’t require a waist alteration to fit me properly (can’t stand having a gap in the back!!).

    • Tecan

      Citizens of Humanity makes an amazing pair of super skin tight jeans that are not quite jeggings. Highly recommend!

    • AT

      If you have a Nordstrom Rack nearby, look for Democracy Denim’s Justice Jeggings. I had never heard of the brand, but I found them randomly and they fit great (we have similar body shapes based on your description), hold their shape, and are very very flattering. Nice sized/shaped pockets, nice medium rise so not too low and no muffin top, and super comfortable as well.

  26. AnonInfinity

    Can I share some excitement?? Got a bonus yesterday that’s big enough for me to buy one splurge and use the rest to pay off the credit card I’ve been slowly chipping away at. Double yay!

    I travel a fair amount for work, so I think I’m going to get the Lo & Sons OG. Black seems safe but boring. Has anyone seen the purple? Is it bright? What about the green? I wear mostly black as my preferred neutral.

  27. PinkKeyboard

    Don’t feel bad… Abercrombie sells my husband’s ideal cargo shorts and i’m forced to brave the store (and my intense objections to the brand) to get said shorts. I’ve tried every other brand and he claims no others can replace them. He’s 42… in Abercrombie shorts=you have nothing to be ashamed of.

  28. NYC - ob rec for experience w/ vulvodynia?

    I have just moved to NYC and am newly pregnant. I need to find an OB, but I also suffer from vulvodynia, so I’d like to find someone who is experienced with pelvic pain disorders…any recs? Bonus points if you can suggest someone in midtown, UES or UWS. Many thanks!

    • preg 3L

      It can be pretty challenging to find a new OB while pregnant in NYC (I tried at 19ish weeks; succeeded but called a LOT of doctors). I’d recommend picking which hospital you want to deliver at, and finding out which docs are affiliated with that hospital. I wanted to deliver at Roosevelt and I’m having a wonderful experience with their OBs located on Central Park West & W 86th St — 4 women docs, Drs. Bradley, Shulina, Roston, and Rhee, (212) 603-4173. I don’t know if they have any special expertise with pelvic pain disorders, sorry.

      • Darjeeling

        I love my doctor, Harry Lee, whom I switched to when I was pregnant; both he and his office/practice are great. I know pelvic surgery is a specialty of his but I’m not sure about pelvic pain specifically. Office is near Columbus Circle and he also delivers at SLR.

  29. Tiger

    What’s the name if the column where the woman takes questions and answers and does a yearly Christmas one with funny stories from readers?

  30. Anon for this

    Tips on dealing with a “benign racist/sexist” superior? I just started a great new job as a senior associate at a boutique law firm that I love and with which I envision a long, promising career. My department is small. One of the partners with whom I will NOT be working regularly but who is nonetheless a superior to me for obvious reasons is an older white guy with a really weird, awkward sense of humor … and a tendency to make racist/sexist/xenophobic comments. He intends them to be funny not insulting, but they are still terribly uncomfortable and obviously entirely inappropriate (i.e., commenting on the attractiveness of young female clients, making stereotypical jokes about foreigners, etc.). Because I am a relatively young woman, and have a very international, multi-ethnic family, a number of the comments hit too close to home — some for reasons that wouldn’t be obvious to the partner (not that it really matters whether they hit close to home for me, or are generally offensive, but still ….)

    It’s an otherwise very congenial, casual place. He’s a long-time, important partner. The other females gently call him out every once in a while on the more offensive sexist things (“John, why would you say such a thing? Come on!”), and I don’t think anyone would begrudge me for calling him out a bit more strongly on various things, but I’m still uncomfortable doing so at this early stage in my career and also because I’m a pretty low-conflict person.

    Thoughts? Just bite my tongue until it actually really offends me, affects my job prospects, or I’m on stronger footing? Ask another partner to talk to him? Clue him in (either explicitly or casually) that my family is multi-ethnic and hope that it tempers him in some way (not quite sure how to do this) … I know I have every right to go to HR, but I really don’t want to do that.

    • Yugo18

      That would so frustrating.

      I think there are two main ways in which you can approach it.

      One, you could place emphasis on your career and future in your office and what others think of you. This would result in trying really hard to *not* say anything about the inappropriateness (and, um, inherent evil) of his behavior. I am sure others will chime in with many good, specific tips on how to not respond. Maybe use the same suggestion given to commenters dealing with unpleasant family members – pretending you’re an anthropologist observing something in its natural habitat?

      Two, you could say something and push back. This is what I would do and I am not sure I am the best person to give advice on this because my natural tendency is to be direct about these things. (I’ve since pretty successfully learned to not be mean in these types of situations.) I mean, don’t fake a reaction that makes it seem like you’re laughing along or approve. Keep even-keeled eye contact and ask him something like a calm-but-assertive-and-serious “oh. what do you mean?”, “I don’t understand what you’re saying? can you please explain?”, etc. Honestly, I love to pretend I just do not get it and, almost invariably, the blithering fool will not be able to explain why his joke is funny and that = just awesome time. Finally, if I were dealing with the same person who was unrepentant over time, I would be more and more directly “that’s sexist crap. hey. listen: you think whatever your pretty little head wants to think, but you do understand this is a workplace and we are professionals? you do? so, keep in inside of your head. can you do that?” But I’m a monster about these things.

      Basically, I think it’s better to try to “handle it” yourself. I’d go to another partner or HR only if really necessary.

      Oh, one last thing: it’s a good idea to make sure – even consciously – that your mindset fully recognizes that he is a sad, pathetic, insecure, clueless, taking-it-out-on-other-people, and that his crap does not reflect on anyone else but him. He is in the wrong, period.

      • Yugo18

        So long – sorry. My old job was filled with milder versions of these types and it was just awful.

    • Wildkitten

      I think you need to push back. It’s inappropriate, it’s making you uncomfortable, and it’s inappropriate. Maybe you could say something like, “That’s inappropriate.” And you’re right – it’s not that it’s personally offensive to you that makes it inappropriate, it’s just inappropriate to anyone at any time to be sexist/racist/xenophobic. Maybe you should even say “That’s not funny. That’s inappropriate.” so he really gets the message.

  31. cbackson

    Appropriate small gift for a senior associate (me) to give my go-to junior associate? I know that this might not be an ordinary gift-giving situation, but we’re a very high-demand practice and he’s really stepped up to help this year. I’ve already sung his praises in his review, but was thinking of something small (bottle of wine, holiday edible thing) that he and his wife could enjoy with my thanks.

    To the extent that it’s helpful to judging the dynamics, I’m maybe a year or so out of partnership and he’s very junior, so there is a clearly discernable supervisory relationship here (I am not technically his boss, but give him the bulk of his assignments) and I also served as his mentor during his first year (which just ended).

    • non

      If you know he drinks, I think a thoughtful bottle of wine would be much appreciated. By “thoughtful” I mean, you maybe are able to take into account something you know about him to choose it and maybe went to a wine shop to get a recommendation and not, say, a bottle of 2 buck chuck that I once received from a senior attorney to whom I gave a lot of help. Us junior people really like to know that we are appreciated!

      • Anonymous

        We. We junior people…

        Sorry. I know nobody likes that person.

        I’ll show myself out.

  32. New Atty

    Ladies, I keep meaning to ask…

    I am brand new to my firm, as in just a few weeks. I am in big law and therefore receive big law salary. Since I don’t know my assistant very well, I don’t think I should try to guess at what gift she would like. I think a check or general gift certificate would be best. I thought probably $100. Our firm shares assistants, such that I am the only associate my assistant works with. She has three other partners she has been working with for a long time. Worried that $100 was too small, I asked another associate and she said she thought $30-$50 with 50 being generous. That strikes me as too little, especially given that she knows our salaries, but I also know that everyone has their own ideas about gifts.

    What seems to be the standard for associates giving assistants, especially when they are just a couple of months at the firm?

    • Wildkitten

      I’d agree with you and not the other associate. You’re not expected to give a whole year’s gift since you just started, but this is an opportunity to buy goodwill and start the relationship on the right foot.

      • preg 3L

        I think it would be smart to see if there are any second or third year associates who can tell you how much they usually give their secretaries — if all of the associates give the same amount, and you give a different amount, I think it could be uncomfortable. Also, I think whatever you give this year you’re committing to giving next year, and for the rest of the time you have this job. So whatever you do, make sure you write it down somewhere you’ll find it for next year!

    • DCR

      I think it really depends on the city and firm. Left to my own guess, I would have spent $100 myself. But most associates in my DC office spend less than $50, with some not even bothering to get gifts (don’t get that).

      All the attorneys who are supported by my assistant pool together to get a present for her. The partners give between $80 – $100 and the associates around $50, depending on what the final price for the gift we choose is. Any most assistants in my office don’t get near that much.

    • Anonymous

      Just seeing this late, but in my large firm, secondary city around $100 from associates was the standard practice. Yes, they know what you make, but do you expect that you’ll be paid/bonused relative to what the partners make? Probably not. Neither should staff.

      If you’ve only been there a few weeks, I think $50 is plenty.

  33. LateBloomer

    Thoughts please?

    I am 34 years old, I am finishing up my M.A. and looking for my first “real job” – through my twenties I worked in dead-end CS jobs, nothing special. But now I have some serious ambition, and am really looking forward to working hard and hopefully advancing in my career. I am also newly engaged, and considering my age want to have kids soon. I’m having pangs of anxiety about the whole marriage thing because I have just spent 6 years (BA and MA) in school and don’t want to waste all this effort and sideline myself by having kids so early in my career. My SO is great and wants us to split housework and childcare 50-50, he is an academic so has tons of flexibility with his time, but he is also very motivated and has a 12-hour a day work habit that I worry he won’t be able to break. I am deathly afraid that I’ll end up with more work at home than I can handle with a full-time job, and my career will suffer. I grew up with a stay-at-home mom, so I have trouble envisioning how two working parents make it work.

    Have any of you out there started careers/families when you were older? Any experience/advice you could share?

    • preg 3L

      Well, as my handle suggests, I think there are advantages to having children around the time you finish school (and I don’t think 35 is “starting a family when you’re older”). If you have concerns about your SO’s commitment to your family, talk about a 5-year plan and how that looks on a day-to-day basis (e.g., “this means we need X hours of childcare while I am at my job; what are your hours like and is that realistic?”). You also have to trust him that he’s an adult and can make decisions about his career & work time-commitment. Maybe try posting again on Monday to get more responses. Good luck!

    • Yugo18

      I was one of those straight-through-to-law-school people, but I fully empathize with your fears/thoughts on this. It’s important and great that you’re already aware of this (of what you do not and will not allow to happen), and I don’t think there is anything more specific to this that you can do right now. Giving it time and seeing how things *actually* play out is the wisest thing to do. It won’t be easy, but try to not allow this to meddle with the actual, daily life of joys and miseries and choices in front of you. Just “do life,” and the fact you’re already aware of this will make it that much easier to swiftly make corrections when it becomes apparent to you that something isn’t as it should be.

      Finally, I also agree that 35 is not “older” in these circumstances. Enjoy starting your professional life, young one!

  34. cbackson

    Working on the weekend sucks.

    On the upside: no one is here to complain that I am blasting the Spotify Classic Christmas playlist. THESE DELL DOCKING STATION SPEAKERS GO TO ELEVEN.

    • NOLA

      Sorry you have to work! I’m halfway through two services of Baroque Christmas. Despite my bronchitis I’m singing the Zeiler Magnificat but it’s all sixteenth notes so I can fly over the hoarseness.

      • cbackson

        I went to a *fantastic* choral concert here in ATL last night (which featured Jamie Barton, who I’d never heard before, but who was great), but it was sadly not so Baroque – ATL doesn’t have a good Baroque music scene at all, SIGH.

        (take care of the throat!)

        • NOLA

          I’m not sure we do either but it’s what our choir director picked for our usual Christmas big music Sunday. We had a small string and wind ensemble with us. There were lessons in between 2 Bach cantatas, the Zeiler magnificant, and a JC Bach Gloria. It came off pretty well. I did better early. The hoarseness killed me later but I doubt if anyone could really tell. I just feel badly because I can’t really lead my section when the lower notes just won’t come out. I see the pulmonologist tomorrow so we’ll see.

          • cbackson

            In my church-singing days, my parish (high-church Anglo-Catholic with a fully sung Eucharist) used a primarily Renaissance/Baroque repertoire, so it’s definitely my sweet spot, musically. Even outside of the liturgical context, Seattle had a GREAT early music scene – there are a few bright spots here, but in general, I really miss it.

            I’m so familiar with that awful straining-for-lower-notes-that-just-won’t-come feeling (I’m a second alto, so there are a LOT of lower notes to be strained for…).

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