ByKat Hours Updated
Comments 185 Comments

Weekend Open Thread

Born AlamidSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. My weekend style is definitely liking the tougher styles brands are showing right now — boots like these almost make me want to find my Dr. Martens from college and see if they still fit. I like these highly-rated, tough looking boots from Born for wear with all sorts of things from leggings to skinny jeans. They're $175 at Zappos. Born Alamid (Here's a less expensive option.)

Sales of note for 12.10

And some of our latest threadjacks here at Corporette (reader questions and commentary) — see more here!

Some of our latest threadjacks include:

185 Comments

  1. My husband has asked for a nice desk clock for his birthday. Does anyone have recommendations on where to find one? Budget up to $200, but could possibly go higher if necessary.

    1. Don’t do it. Giving someone a watch or a clock means your time with them is up. Super bad luck gift. Pick something else.

      1. I disagree. A watch is such a common gift. OP I would check out Tiffany’s.

      2. We exchanged beautiful watches for wedding gifts to one another… that’s a super common gift (at least for the groom). So, I’m going to suggest disregarding this advice.

      3. What a weird thing to say. He asked for a clock.

        I’ve exchanged so many watches as gifts over my life….

    1. A 66-piece set of silver purchased at an auction. New – most pieces still in original plastic protective sleeves. Currently retails at Neiman Marcus for $12,999. Paid $2,500 :)

      3. Any tips for how you got this steal of a deal? (I wouldn’t even know where to go for an auction, other than online obviously.)

    2. Aquatalia riding boots at a consignment shop for $62. I’d been looking for boots to fit my smaller calves, but wasn’t planning to shop there for them. If I had, I wouldn’t have had any luck all season… ;-)

        1. Thanks! I’m not sure whether they all do; I just know that once I realized that I have small calves, and that some brands make boots that tend to run smaller in the calves, Aquatalia is a brand that came up a lot. So I would guess that they do. But really–you just have measure your calves and read descriptions and try boots on like crazy. I won’t ever order shoes from anywhere that doesn’t accept returns because the descriptions are not always accurate.

          You can search for boots on zappos and nordstrom.com specifying “wide-calf”.

    3. I stacked a couple of coupons and sales at BR and got a $198 suit jacket for $85. Score!

  5. I would love some advice on how best to handle a stick family issue involving DH’s mom (my mother in law). DH and MIL have never got along well. DH says that his mom was very emotionally abusive when he was a child (which I definitely believe) and that worse, his mom has never apologized or even acknowledged that she said many hurtful things when he confronted her about it. They have had lots of heated arguments over the years but have managed to patch them up, to the point where she used to visit us a few weeks every year (she lives abroad). My relationship (until recently) with MIL was fine. There are many things that annoy me about her, but I have never voiced my discontent with her and always try to be friendly and pleasant when she stays with us. We are part of an immigrant culture where family is paramount, and family staying with us for weeks on end is very common.

    Earlier this summer, DH and MIL got into a huge fight over the phone. MIL had planned to visit us and DH told her that certain things she did were unacceptable and needed to be changed (ie: she constantly complains about the weather, she is not helpful when she comes to visit, she does not help out with my toddler son at all, she barely leaves the house and talks about being bored, she Skypes all day with her daughter, etc.). They ended up having a BLOWOUT fight and MIL canceled her plans to visit us.

    Since June, we have spoken to MIL just 3-4 times. We have never spoken to her at all since August. I’m currently 6 months pregnant with my second child and she has never even once inquired about my health or about our toddler son (her only grandson).

    My question is: what do I/we do? I think DH wants to at least get to a point where he can be civil to his mom. But, he is also incredibly hurt at the way she has treated him. He is also furious that she seems so uninterested in the fact that she is having another grandchild (I am also hurt by this).

    I feel that this is something that DH and MIL need to resolve, but neither seems to be willing to take the first step. At the rate we are going, I’m not even sure DH will call his mom to tell her when I deliver (which is frankly, really really sad).

    Any thoughts? As mentioned, I don’t expect them to be BFFs. I don’t even expect her to visit anytime in the near future. But I think a basic level of civility is important, so that it’s not super awkward when we attend joint family events, etc. Long term, I think family therapy will benefit them both but I don’t see that happening in the immediate future.

    1. Ugh, that is really hard and sounds terribly frustrating. My partner has a bad relationship with his mother, and he doesn’t speak to her or include her in our lives, and I understand why you wouldn’t want that situation. That being said, what if it’s the case that you can only have a relationship with MIL on her terms–with the understanding that she’s going to keep complaining about the weather and being unhelpful when she visits, that she’s not going to display enough interest in your children, and that she is going to continue being the way she is? Can you & hubby make that work for you– can you change your expectations of what you want from MIL? What if she’s never going to be the kind, helpful, involved grandmother that you want her to be? Because realistically you probably can’t get her to be the way you want, and you likely won’t ever get apologies out of her for the terrible things she’s done. Can you still treat her with kindness and civility (letting her know when you deliver, being civil at family functions etc) without asking her to change? I’m not saying that you’re wrong for wanting to, or that she’s not in the wrong–your frustrations sound so legitimate– but it sounds like a workable situation will come from you guys changing your expectations, not from MIL adapting or compromising.

      1. Marie, thanks so much for your input. You’re asking exactly the same questions raised by another family member – that if MIL doesn’t change at all (which she likely won’t), can DH move past that and just accept that? The problem is, I think the answer is no. DH believes that his mom has always favored her daughter over DH, and now DH thinks the cycle is repeating again — that his mom now favors her other grandchild over our son. And that just infuriates him to no end, because he loves his son so so much (as a third party observer, I don’t really think MIL favors the other grandchild more, I just think she interacts with the other grandchild much more because she prefers to visit her daughter over her son).

        To me, the fundamental problem is that DH and MIL don’t have a friendship or a good pre-existing relationship, so every time they fight, everything gets escalated. Things might be fine for a week when she visits, but then MIL does something which infuriates DH (or vice versa) and things get out of control.

        I believe that so much could be resolved if MIL were only willing to apologize for the way she treated DH as a child. But I don’t think that will happen, primarily because MIL insists that she never said any of those things in the first place.

        Thanks again for chiming in.

        1. I think the focus has to be on what your DH needs to do to help him move past this place of anger and hurt. Your MIL is never going to change (unfortunately), but DH’s reactions to her can change. If this means that DH and MIL have a cool and superficial relationship, then so be it. But it’s not healthy for DH to continue to hold out hope that his mother will be the person he wants her to be, rather than accepting her shortcomings and getting to an emotional place where he can be okay with that.

          1. +2,000,000 that she won’t change or apologize. I’d concentrate on helping DH to get to a place where he can be OK with that.
            This doesn’t mean he needs to pretend nothing every happened, just where he doesn’t take it so personally (it’s her issue) and can behave civilly at family functions. And, I’d inform her of the birth as well.

          2. This. She is never going to change and the best thing you can do is gently support DH in accepting that. Honestly some individual therapy would probably really help him.

    2. This is not coming from an attacking place, but your comments about your being pregnant, her not asking about your health, etc. are a back burner to all of this. Your relationship with her is not concerning at all to me, but your mentioning that did raise an eyebrow. Just make sure that when you’re talking to your DH about all of this, it’s about him and her. All you can be expected to do is be supportive of your husband – if he wants therapy, then encourage it. If it wants to continue not talking to her for a period of time, then support that. There just seems to be something very deep seeded here that I don’t feel quite qualified to opine on how to overcome, but it does appear to go well beyond this most recent blow up.

      1. Thanks for your post. You’re right that this isn’t about me. DH is absolutely furious that MIL doesn’t seem interested in the pregnancy/her new grandchild, much more so than I am. I am admittedly a bit hurt, but it’s DH who is genuinely upset about it. Also, your advice on just having him undergo some therapy is a good one (I’ll raise this with him).

      2. hi, OP. I also come from an immigrant family and understand completely what you are expressing. I agree with all the above posters – your role is to support husband, MIL will very likely never change, and that she probably very much does love her son/you/grandchildren but is letting stubbornness take charge. Clearly family is paramount to your husband, too, because this bothers him so much. It’s an unfortunate reality, but many adults can’t completely change and it’s very difficult for parents sometimes to admit they made mistakes in raising children. (Not to mention that child may not fully know/have a different memory of what was actually happening.) Whatever your husband needs to do to come to this point of acceptance (if you can identify the triggers, like bad weather, and learn to anticipate them, then maybe he will be more at peace) is what needs to be the goal — especially because family is so important to all involved.

        1. This. I also come from an immigrant family and 100% understand what you’re saying.

          Like everyone is saying (and I’m sure you know), I think that trying to get her to open her eyes to how hurtful her behavior can be is a lost cause. Chances are your MIL doesn’t believe she has done anything wrong (both to DH as a child and currently) and probably actually thinks your DH is completely out of line in suggesting that she change any of her behavior. If her culture is similar to mine, she withholds affection when she’s angry- this is the #1 major difference I found between my friends American parents and my own growing up and what it sounds like your DH may be struggling with.

          I second the suggestion that DH (and possibly you if you feel that it’s necessary) should seek therapy as far as coping mechanisms. It seems like everyone is in agreement that changing her isn’t an option, so all that’s left is changing the way he reacts to her. I don’t think it’s particularly fair, but I think it’s much more promising than hoping she will shed thousands of years of cultural bias in a short period of time.

          Good luck and congratulations on your pregnancy!

      3. From an outside point of view, some of your complaints seem insignificant/manageable. She complains about the weather? Is that not something you can live with? Unless it’s obsessive, this seems harmless. She’s not helpful and doesn’t watch your toddler? Well, she’s a guest – it’s a bonus if they offer to help, but it shouldn’t be expected. Also, she sounds like she does not handle children well – why would you want her extensively helping out with your son? And has DH point blank asked her what she wants to do when she visits? You guys should speak with her and try to set up some kind of a routine with things she likes to do (which may make her more inclined to do things you want her to do) since she’s there for weeks at a time (i.e. not just a tourist-y vacation).

        That being said, I think underlying issues of the fight are not what was said, but are significantly more serious. You and DH seem angry that she doesn’t do more or care more. I think at heart, both you and DH want her to be helpful, kindly super grandma who will take care of you now as penance for all of her years of abuse. That’s not who she is.

        Ultimately, no matter what she does for DH now, it will not make up for the years of abuse (although it probably seems like it would). Resetting your expectations to significantly lower will make these visits easier (although it’s painful when people we love do not live up to our expectations).

          1. OP, I suspect we are from similar if not the same culture. TBH, my MIL behaves similarly to yours. She has issues, but mainly she has issues with me. When she visits us for a few months, she too does not raise a finger. She has openly declared that when she visits, it’s her turn to get pampered. Of course, who does the main pampering? Her DIL who she openly dislikes. But whatever.

            I guess what I am trying to say is that if you and y our DH could possibly forget her past behavior AND accept her ongoing behavior, then do it for your own peace of mind. If not, then don’t have her visit you. Don’t over think it. This comes from place of experience.

        3. Agreed. I wouldn’t expect a visitor, even a family member, to be helpful when they visit. It is odd to me that someone would expect a house guest to do childcare or housework.

          1. In many situations I would agree with the above, but I think it’s different if it’s a close family member that stays for weeks at a time.

          2. Thanks for the responses. When she visits, she stays for several months at a time (at least 3 months). So not helping out gets old pretty fast, esp. when she sees how much we are running around. If she were old and invalid it would of course be a very different issue. But she is in her early 60s and very active and healthy. Also, perhaps this in an immigrant thing, but in my culture, it’s very much expected/customary for grandparents to do A LOT (cooking, being primary caretaker for grandchildren, etc.). We’re not at all expecting MIL to be the primary caretaker (he goes to daycare full time). But it’s not unreasonable to expect her to watch my son for an hour while we run an errand.

  6. I’m buying a car this weekend – the car I have now is a hand-me-down from my parents, so this is my first time buying my own. I have my budget, I know what I want, and someone’s going with me to make sure I don’t get screwed over . . . but what should I wear to the dealership?

    1. It doesn’t matter so long as you are articulate and showered. **From someone with experience on both sides of the table.**

    2. Don’t even go to the dealership. Negotiate over the phone with 2-3 dealers if you know what you want.

      If you must go to the dealership, wear comfortable clothes and layers. You might be there for a while.

      1. Do not call the dealership. That’s a great way to piss people off especially since there are admin, taxes, licensing, ect to consider. I have never known a customer to understand their quotes. People who say x dealership quoted me y, beat it, are the ones who think they are beating the system but they aren’t.

        1. Really? I bought two cars: one by shuttling between dealerships and the other by working with the Internet/phone salesperson. Both times, I got a pretty good deal within $100 of the Edmund’s invoice price, not MSRP). Honestly, negotiating over the phone was a lot easier. I named my price and the first one to take it was the one I bought from. I didn’t ask others to beat it because I was asking for a fair, but still pretty low price. And the dealers who wouldn’t take my price were pretty awful in other ways. So I didn’t feel too bad.

          1. That’s great, but I’ve probably processed 1000 car deals. Your story is the minority. Go to a dealership and talk to a person. Especially if you have a trade don’t try to self assess what it’s worth, a dealer will be honest that your dog /kids/ smoking/ mileage/using an unregistered mechanic have impacts.

          2. My cousin went online, got a quote from Cars.com, then called up several dealerships that offered the same car to see if they would match the (lower) price. The one that did is the one she bought from, and she wasn’t traipsing around the city all day. I’ve heard of k-padi’s way working!

          3. Just to back you up, k-padi I’ve done this before too but it was about 10 years ago and I didn’t have a trade-in. These days, I’m more inclined to go in. I’ve just researched dealers on yelp and talked to friends about who was reputable/easy to deal with and gone there. New cars are easier to research and know if you’re paying too much, used cars a lot harder, but at the end of the day, I don’t think you can go too terribly wrong – you can over pay, but usually not by thousands.

          4. Anon, what is the benefit of talking in person? Assuming you don’t have a trade.

          5. Yeah, I can see how a trade in would complicate matters. I had a very simple deal and plenty of down payment.

          6. Everything gets filtered through admin and nice people get better deals. If admin doesn’t like you and you try to strong arm your sales person they won’t help you, even if they do sell you a car for bottom prices (cause they need the sale) they won’t give you perks like free rentals when you are getting service or complimentary detailing. Good people get good deals and if you are okay with shitty service and no perks to save yourself 100, by all means use those tactics. Your calls will be dodged and and after the fact questions will be ignored

          7. I thought sales and the service dept was usually separate. Did your dealership keep a list of people they didn’t like so the service people would know to be jerks to them when they took the car in for the warranty-required maintenance appointments?

          8. k-padi, I am doing a trade-in. The reason I need a new car (and quick) is because the transmission in my car needs to be replaced, and it makes more sense to get a new car. and by new I mean used, but new to me and less old than the one I have.

          9. Sales and service are entirely separate legal and physical entities but if a sales person sees a customer they like they will walk over to service and tell service to give them perks. Those perks far outweigh a hundred in savings. Over the life of a vehicle service perks can total in the thousands. Just food for thought. Anyways this thread is upsetting me. Its people like you who get “dropped” calls and “lost” insurance claims, while fair customers who I will stay late for and have their paperwork done same day.

          10. Yikes, I didn’t realize calling a dealer and asking for a quote was so inappropriate a thing to do for you to refer to people who have done it as “people like you.” I honestly just wanted to know if the was a benefit to in person versus shopping for quotes online/over the phone. For some reason dealers here are closed on Sunday, so going around to multiple places is pretty difficult if you tend to work late during the week. I guess dealers really hate the phone!

          11. To the anon who asked about the benefit of going in person is that things are personal. You can establish a rapport and I usually end up walking away with extras and more knowledge about the situation. I like a human connection in the internet age.

          12. Going to each dealer in person takes far more time, though, and not everyone wants to establish a rapport.

          13. Then don’t go in person – I was answering the question about the benefit of doing so.

          14. So you can’t be bothered to spend a single day to purchase an item that you will use every single day, will be one of the most expensive items you own, and will determine the quality of service you have the duration of your ownership?

          15. Given the treatment I’ve received at car dealerships (no matter how nice I am), I’d far rather use k-padi’s route. My experience is that folks at the dealership try to use the “rapport” we’ve established to push me to a poorer deal, not a better one.

        2. I was gonna say, I’ve never heard of anyone buying a car that way. Why would I go to all the trouble of haggling if I haven’t even seen the car in person yet?

          1. If you’re buying a new car, they’re all the same. I did that with mine – I went, test drive one, and then when the dealer didn’t like my price (I had a work-related discount I gave them at the end) I called another dealer to ask if they’d sell it to me for that price with my extra discount. Then the first dealer I was at changed their mind and agreed and I got my car.

          2. They’re not all the same. We almost bought a brand new car and then, literally, in the final inspection, realized that the car had a long scratch on the inside of the front door, where no one had noticed it before. If we’d bought online or by phone, we’d never have seen that. We ended up tearing up the contract and walking away from the car.

          3. Oh I didn’t mean buy the car sight unseen, you’d want to look at it when you go to the dealership to sign the contract. Other than accidental damage or some kind of defect, or some kind of mislabeling (like it doesn’t have an extra feature they said it did), it’s all the same.

          4. I’m not buying a brand new car though, I’m buying used. I know what make and model I want, but I’m flexible on the exact year and some of the features. I’ve been doing research online but I know that pictures of the cars in a dealership’s inventory can be misleading, hence the need to go look at them.

        3. BF recently negotiated the price of a new car via text, emailed several other dealers to see if they would beat it (they would not, and one told him if he could get it for that price, he should take it because it was a good deal), and then confirmed final purchase price with the first dealer also by text.

          1. +1. I did a bunch of the negotiating by text when I bought my used car, almonst 4 years ago now.

            Watch for the terms changing between sales and F&I – they tried to sneak a couple in, like no warranty, shorter warranty, missing the F&I first month deferred payment.

    3. Boots. As in “These boots were made for walking”. Be ready to get up and walk out if they aren’t giving you the deal you want.

    4. This is so not answering your question, but please take my advice: Ask them how many keys you’re getting with the car! Seriously. I got skaa-rewwwwed. Those new smart keys are not cheap. And when they refer to “keySSS”, show you how they work, and have you sign on the dotted line then only hand you ONE, you’re SOL… or at least I was because I didn’t point blank ask how many were included. A new key is $750 (thanks, labor fees!), meanwhile Mr. Dealer has zillions in the backroom that he wouldn’t miss if he had to toss one in to the deal in order to close the sale.

      Maybe this is an issue for buying used only, but, like.. really.

      1. I kinda get the advantage of having an extra set, but I’m gonna be the only person driving that car. I have no husband, no kids, no live-in boyfriend, no friends who’d need to borrow the car (although my current insurance company is convinced I need to insure my roommate under my plan . . . I may switch for this car) it’s literally just me, so I don’t think one set of keys would be the end of the world. I’m more concerned about the car, you know, working.

        1. You know when having a second set REALLY comes in handy, though?

          When you lock your keys in the car.

          1. Also when the battery dies and you have to special order the right one online, which takes a couple days.

          3. Or when you’re walking toward your car with your key in your hand, and someone jostles you, and the key falls through the sewer grate. Or when somebody lifts your pocketbook.

        2. Or, when the battery fails on the only one you have, cause then that car definitely won’t work.

          Get two sets.

        3. You need a second set of keys. A third set is also a great idea. Do you know how easy they are to lose/misplace/lock in your car? This is great advice & I wish I’d haggled for a third set. (I also am the only driver of my car).

        4. In my state, uninsured/underinsured motorist coverage applies to all “household members” and that includes roommates. So, if your roommate is in a car other than yours and gets hit by someone with not enough/no insurance, your plan may provide coverage as she/he is a household member.

      3. Yep, I accidentally threw one away (don’t even ask.) Replacement was $200.

    5. I just bought a car and did extensive research on how to get the best deal. You should start by emailing dealerships to ask for a quote. Say you want a final price quote that includes all discounts, taxes, fees, etc. When I got a good quote from one dealership, I sent it to another dealership and said that if they could beat that quote, then I’d come in to discuss. After I went to that dealership and negotiated in person, I contacted a third dealership and asked if they could beat it (which they couldn’t – this step wasn’t really necessary). Then I knew I got a good deal. I’m not a phone person, but the person who recommended the phone negotiation is also on the right track. I’m surprised by all the people saying that it’s not a good tactic because I did a lot of research and it was always recommended to not go right into the dealership. You said you already know what car you want – so going and looking at it isn’t really going to help.

      1. Yes. I did exactly this and got a fabulous price (helps that I knew exactly what car I wanted). You wouldn’t believe some of the lines the third dealership I called (once I had the great price in hand) tried to pull on me.

    6. Hey guys, I appreciate all of the advice here but all I really wanted to know was what I should wear. I’m short, I look young, and I want the person to take me seriously as an intelligent adult so they don’t talk down to me as if I were 12 years old. I realize that by asking what I should wear (on a fashion blog) may have made me seem like a clueless dolt, I’ve already done plenty of research on how to buy a car.

      1. I’d wear jeans, flat boots, a nice tshirt or thin sweater under a casual blazer. Pretty much my weekend uniform when it’s not summer.

        God luck!

        1. Got it! I was thinking jeans and boots (it’s cold up here), but I wasn’t sure about what to wear on top.

      2. Don’t wear anything that they will recognize as very expensive. Leave the LV logo purse and diamond earrings at home.

      3. I don’t think it matters. I borrowed the car for an overnight test drive and was wearing pajamas when I first went in, and when I went to negotiate the actual purchase I was wearing a dress on my way to a wedding. Same treatment each time. If you think the salesperson is talking down to you, ask to speak with someone else. I think the person you deal with is more important than your outfit.

        1. Yeah, I don’t think it matters. Wear whatever you want. A salesperson who is going to talk down to you will do so whether you’re wearing a suit or sweats. When I purchased a car in college I walked away from two dealerships before finding one that treated me like a fully functional human being. Both times I took a great deal of care how I dressed and tried to project older. With the last one (see below) I was wearing jeans and a ponytail and probably looked around 12 years old.

          I knew exactly what car I wanted with exactly the trim package, etc…

          One pulled a bait and switch “oh yeah, we have the car you want, yeah, you can drive it.” I drive it, I love it, I open negotiations…oh, that exact vehicle? That was a special order for someone, it’s already sold, but we have others that are not the same color, trim package, etc…

          The second I called first, they confirmed they had the car, I get up there, they show me the car. It is not the car. I tell them “I called ahead” “oh, we only confirm the model, not the color or trim package.” (With a heaping side of “what do you know anyway little girl.”) “Goodbye.”

          The third I called first as well, they confirmed they had the trim I wanted but not the color, I decided to go look at the color anyway since I was getting frustrated. Loved it, bought it, got a great deal, and was friends with the salesperson until I moved across the state.

      4. I went to a dealership once straight from the gym and the guy thought I was 17. When he found out I was a lawyer, he was pissed about the price he quoted me. It was an old used luxury car that I was considering buying as a fun summer vehicle and he was thinking I was a teen trying to get my first car to drive to high school.

    7. To put it bluntly… don’t dress so nice that you look rich, but don’t dress so casual or grungy that you look like an idiot that can be screwed over.

  7. We will be in T&C in January, not sure exactly where yet. Any experiences/recs? We are hoping for quiet and relaxation and reconnection after a wrenching, difficult year.

    1. Are you going full on inclusive resort on Grace Bay, or looking for a small property? Was there in 2012, stayed at Aquamarine Beach Houses for a week – basically had a condo on the beach with full kitchen & grill (very convenient for easy breakfasts, cocktail hour & snacks, and having leftovers for lunch). Simple, but clean and relaxing and the beach was VERY quiet – it is isolated from the larger properties.

      Enjoyed:
      Caicos Dream Tours snorkeling trip
      Sunset sail – the boat had a longish name and started with an A, IIRC
      Finding Taylor Bay on the opposite side of the island (great if it is windy on Grace Bay)
      Snorkeling on Smith’s reef

      Food:
      Coco Bistro was our favorite fancy dinner; also enjoyed Bay Bistro and Magnolia Grill.
      da Conch Shack was highly overrated IMO (incredibly slow service, even for island time, and the food was all the same non-temperature)
      Las Brisas (on Chalk Sound) was delicious – went there for lunch before finding Taylor Bay, since it’s just around the corner

      Tips:
      People say that groceries etc. are very expensive. The US brands are indeed a little more than city grocery prices, but if you try local snacks, it wasn’t that bad of sticker shock. For example, limes were 5/dollar, and local chips were probably $3 or $4 for a bag, but Doritos were probably $7 for a bag. Local juice drinks were again $3 or 4 for a large bottle, but a 12 pack of diet coke was like $8.

    2. My comment disappeared but then I got a duplicate comment message – sorry if this double posts.

      Are you going full on inclusive resort on Grace Bay, or looking for a small property? Was there in 2012, stayed at Aquamarine Beach Houses for a week – basically had a condo on the beach with full kitchen & grill (very convenient for easy breakfasts, cocktail hour & snacks, and having leftovers for lunch). Simple, but clean and relaxing and the beach was VERY quiet – it is isolated from the larger properties.

      Enjoyed:
      Caicos Dream Tours snorkeling trip
      Sunset sail – the boat had a longish name and started with an A, IIRC
      Finding Taylor Bay on the opposite side of the island (great if it is windy on Grace Bay)
      Snorkeling on Smith’s reef

      Food:
      Coco Bistro was our favorite fancy dinner; also enjoyed Bay Bistro and Magnolia Grill.
      da Conch Shack was highly overrated IMO (incredibly slow service, even for island time, and the food was all the same non-temperature)
      Las Brisas (on Chalk Sound) was delicious – went there for lunch before finding Taylor Bay, since it’s just around the corner

      Tips:
      People say that groceries etc. are very expensive. The US brands are indeed a little more than city grocery prices, but if you try local snacks, it wasn’t that bad of sticker shock. For example, limes were 5/dollar, and local chips were probably $3 or $4 for a bag, but Doritos were probably $7 for a bag. Local juice drinks were again $3 or 4 for a large bottle, but a 12 pack of diet coke was like $8.

    3. AH – I forgot the dreaded C-Tail! Sorry for the upcoming extra posts – I didn’t get the m-d-r-t-n notice, post just disappeared.

      Are you going full on inclusive resort on Grace Bay, or looking for a small property? Was there in 2012, stayed at Aquamarine Beach Houses for a week – basically had a condo on the beach with full kitchen & grill (very convenient for easy breakfasts, ctail hour & snacks, and having leftovers for lunch). Simple, but clean and relaxing and the beach was VERY quiet – it is isolated from the larger properties.

      Enjoyed:
      Caicos Dream Tours snorkeling trip
      Sunset sail – the boat had a longish name and started with an A, IIRC
      Finding Taylor Bay on the oppos!te side of the island (great if it is windy on Grace Bay)
      Snorkeling on Smith’s reef

      Food:
      Coco Bistro was our favorite fancy dinner; also enjoyed Bay Bistro and Magnolia Grill.
      da Conch Shack was highly overrated IMO (incredibly slow service, even for island time, and the food was all the same non-temperature)
      Las Brisas (on Chalk Sound) was delicious – went there for lunch before finding Taylor Bay, since it’s just around the corner

      Tips:
      People say that groceries etc. are very expensive. The US brands are indeed a little more than city grocery prices, but if you try local snacks, it wasn’t that bad of sticker shock. For example, limes were 5/dollar, and local chips were probably $3 or $4 for a bag, but Doritos were probably $7 for a bag. Local juice drinks were again $3 or 4 for a large bottle, but a 12 pack of diet coke was like $8.

    4. I stayed at the Ganesvoort, which was gorgeous and lovely BUT drink/food prices were more expensive than other restaurants we went to (food and drinks were good). Not necessarily a deal breaker for me, but if you’re planning on spending a lot of time on-resort, it could add up.

      We heard that cabs are very expensive, so we wound up renting a car for the week that we were there. We took a few drives around the island, tried out other restaurants, etc. Parking was included at the Ganesvoort (I think it is as most resorts). We rented from Grace Bay Rentals (or something like that). It wasn’t a fancy car, but it was worth it to have some flexibility.

      If you’re looking for someplace that locals go, try Mr. Grouper. It’s not on the water, but the food was good. I think my favorite fancy dinner was Bay Bistro (Coco Bistro was also excellent, but I wasn’t feeling well that night so my views are colored). We only had drinks at Hemingways, so I can’t comment on the food (drinks were good).

      We drove out to Aman Turks and Caicos (which is really far away from pretty much everything), thinking that we could check out the resort and grab a drink at the bar. It is a gorgeous resort, but it’s not really one that you can drive up to. They let us in, but only after the guy at the gate called ahead. It was slightly embarrassing. Resort seemed lovely though.

    5. we stayed at the Beach House which was a very pretty smaller hotel with an awesome (but expensive) restaurant. If you’re divers, Flamingo Divers were awesome small group divers. We also did horseback riding on the beach with a small outfit that had like 4 horses total but was a great experience for a small group. I liked the overall vibe of the Conch Shack personally, beautiful spot on the beach, but definitely casual and low key.

    6. We went to T&C for a week for our honeymoon. We stayed at Le Vele, which is basically staying in a condo with a few basic hotel-type amenities. It’s right on the beach, has maid service and a person at a desk to call you a cab or make reservations for you, and delivers some pastries and fruit in the morning. The unit we stayed in was large (1100 sq ft 1-br compared to living in a NYC 1-br of 300 sq ft at that time), had a full kitchen and a soaker tub, and was well decorated (condo owners didn’t leave personal stuff around). They let us view a few other rooms before we checked out, and they seemed just as nice.

      Since we were staying in a condo-type unit instead of a full hotel, we went to the grocery store at the beginning of our trip, bought some stuff for breakfast and lunch, ingredients for rum punch, and a few bottles of wine. We spent most of our days relaxing on the beach. We did one snorkeling trip and rode horses one afternoon, but we were pretty exhausted from the wedding and loved just lying around. We did not rent a car, and taxis were a little expensive, but most nights we didn’t travel too far from Grace Bay for dinner.

      It’s probably been too long to really recommend restaurants, so I’ll leave that to people with more recent experiences.

    7. I’ve been to Turks multiple times. I’ve always stayed near Turtle Cove, so I don’t know other areas as well.

      Accommodations: There are lots of houses/villas that rent for a week if you’re interested in taking that approach. We’ve loved doing that, but we go with a group so it makes sense for us.

      Food: I second the recs for Coco Bistro and Las Brisas. I also really like Magnolia. The big grocery store is IGA. It is expensive, but I’m sure it’s still cheaper than eating out every meal (unless you’re at an all inclusive I suppose). Beer is also crazy expensive there so either drink the local beer (Turks Head, which is pretty decent) or drink rum. For fast-casual spots, there are lots to choose from. I like Tiki Hut and Shark Bite in Turtle Cove – service is slow at both, but the food is good bar food and the drinks are cold.

      Activities: Grace Point spa is great for massages and wraps. It is really easy to drive in Provo, so think about renting a car – especially if you rent a house. You can do water activities at multiple locations on the island (water skiing, paddle boards, etc.). Having a car would help you get around for that, but if you’re at a resort, they probably take care of that. The snorkeling at the reefs are good. We’ve done a couple of boat trips for snorkeling and those were fun (but definitely depends on who else is on your boat).

      Bring bug spray! The no-see-ums are terrible. Also, when you’re flying out of Turks, be prepared for a ridiculous line at the airport. We usually circumvent it by not even showing up to the airport until about 45 minutes before our flight. If you won’t have kids with you, you can go upstairs to a deck that has a bar – so much better waiting for your flight up there versus in the crowded, hot waiting area inside.

      Have fun!

  8. I agreed to write a letter of recommendation for a former colleague for her grad school application. I’ve talked to her extensively about her resume and the program, and I have nothing but great things to say about her as I think she’ll be a great fit for the program, has solid reasons for wanting to do it, and will excel there. But I’ve never written this kind of letter before. For those with more experience (either as letter writers, or receivers of LORs) what are your recommendations for how I should go about this?

    1. Yay! Open Thread’s! I love Open thread’s and these boot’s, Kat. It makes me think I want to get my old pair of FRYE boot’s back and start weareing those.

      As for the OP, you’ve made a great start, outlineing above each of the thing’s that makes this person such a great fit for the job. That is what needs to be expanded on with maybe a few example’s here and there. You don’t want to make it to long, or else the reader will think that the recommendee wrote it rather then you. When I was in college, I needed such a letter and my philosophy professor (who still want’s to sleep with me), offered to write a letter for me. It was so good that the place thought I had wrote it, so believe it or not, I did NOT get the job. The professor was SHOCKED, but I told him why and then he figured it out that he was being to effusive about me and it was probabley b/c he was thinking about me in to personal a manner. He told me then that all he thought about was having sex with me. I was shocked he was that trutheful and all I could think of was FOOEY, with him huffeing and puffeing on top of me while I was NOT at all interested in him sexueally. But the lesson here is: Be positive and trutheful, but NOT to effusive otherwise the reader will think something is amiss.

      BTW, I found out from Myrna that Krill oil is fish oil so I told the manageing partner that I do NOT smell like FISH. Myrna agreed that I did NOT smell like Krill Oil and could not even begin to think where the manageing partner even came up with that idea. FOOEY! I am mad at him for even suggesting that!

      So I wish the entire HIVE a happy weekend. YAY!!! But NOT to let your manageing partner try and shame you by telling you that you smell like Krill Oil. DOUBEL FOOEY!

    2. Whenever I had someone write a letter of recommendation for me they asked for my resume. They would highlight specific accomplishments or experiences and talk about how they would make me a good candidate for the job or program. So essentially 1. I know Jane from A. 1. Jane would be a great candidate for B and I cannot recommend her highly enough. 3. She has a great work ethic, as shown by her participation in C. Her accomplishments in D and E, as well as her experience in F, evidence her strong character/high intelligence/skill in this area.” It doesn’t have to be long. Just say a few nice things, reiterate that you are recommending her, and it should be good.

    3. I have sometimes asked the requester to send me a first draft letter of recommendation and then I edit it as I see fit. Obviously this is only an option if you can unreservedly recommend the person, but often the candidate has a much better idea of what the program is looking for, and can write a letter that emphasizes the important points.

  9. Jcrew’s vneck Merino sweaters fit me like a glove, but their quality this year is shameful. Can anyone suggest any alternatives? Banana’s are too short/boxy for me. Looking for something at a smiliar price point if possible. I think this site has talked about it before but I can’t seem to find the thread. Thanks!

  10. For those who use the oil cleansing method or really anyone who washes their face with a washcloth, do you use a new washcloth every time? I do (so, 14/week). I wait until I accumulate a huge pile of dirty washcloths to do laundry so I want them to be dry when I throw them in the dirty laundry because they’ll be sitting around for a while. However, the washcloths take forever to dry. I don’t like that I have several hanging around in the bathroom while I wait for them to dry. Am I overlooking an easier way to deal with this?

    1. When I use OCM, I use the tiny cheap baby washcloths so that a) they don’t take up a ton of space, and b)they dry much faster than a fullsize adult washcloth.

      I usually use one washcloth for about 1-2 oil washes, and then it’s toast. I just drape the cloth over the shower curtain rail, or the tub side to air-dry before throwing in the wash (but like you, I don’t wash until I have a heap of them). Plus, with the cheap little cloths, you can use bleach and whatnot to get them really clean (even if they get a little mildewy before you get to wash them). You could get a tiny little basket or little metal wastebasket for your bathroom to toss them into if they’re not fully 100% dry, to be your little hamper.

      However, if you are using OCM 2x a day, you are probably doing it wrong. You should only have to use oil once every other day or so. That’s kind of the point–to use oil to “cleanse” your face, and then you can get a pretty decent clean just with water all the other times, so that you’re not stripping your face every time you wash. Sometimes I OCM in the morning while I’m in the shower, but I also sometimes do it in the evening before bed. In between, I just wash my face with water and a clean washcloth.

      1. Your baby washcloth idea is genius, especially because I have tons leftover from my baby! My current washing habits are working well for my skin/face and having 4-5 washcoths in various stages of dampness around my bathroom is a small price to pay, but between the baby washcloth idea and the Norwex idea below I might not even have to deal with that!

    2. I use a Norwex facecloth, and therefore I don’t feel the need to wash it every time, since it is antibacterial. I then hang it over the bathtub faucet and it is usually dry by the time I get home the next day. I use it once or twice more and then wash.

    3. Do they make microfiber cloths that dry quickly? I don’t use washcloths myself, but I used a full-size towel made of that kind of material for traveling and it would dry overnight.

    4. I’ve used OCM in the past. I would only do it at night and just rinsse my face with water in the morning. I have a towel rack in my tub, so I would hang the washcloth overnight and in the morning/following evening I’d toss it in the regular laundry.

    5. I keep one of those delicates/laundry bags under the sink. I use washcloths and reusable cotton pads (for toner, eyemakeup removed) every day, so this laundry accumulates. I rinse the baby washcloths and the cotton pads and leave them to air dry either while I am at work or overnight. By the time it is time to wash my face again, the earlier ones are dry and I pop the washcloth/cotton rounds into the laundry bag to get them out of sight. I suppose you are already doing this, but I don’t have several out drying at once.

    6. I have a tiny plastic wastebin next to the sink dedicated to holding the daily washcloths, so I don’t mind if they go in wet since they are only touching each other and exposed enough to air dry.

  12. Why oh why is 1994 coming back? I look at boots like this, I’m back in high school wearing flannel and listening to “Jeremy spoke in class today…”

      1. Yeah, and textile prints and sunflowers. The Target juniors section looks, literally, exactly like it did my freshman year in high school.

    4. I saw *overalls* for adult women in the store the other day..I want to say it was LOFT but I am not sure. That is a look that should never come back.

      1. LOL. I remember Jennifer Aniston rocking those on “Friends” and elsewhere…

    5. Considering the pop culture revival of the 1980s has lasted longer than 10 years, I welcome the change.

  13. Reposting Since I was late on the morning thread…

    Anyone want to do some vicarious shopping?

    I’m going to hit a professional goal at the end of the month, and I want to buy myself something nice to celebrate. My vague plan is pearls of some sort, but I’d love ideas of what kind, or any other suggestions anyone has.

    My budget is about $500, although I can go a little higher if I find something I love. What would you get in my position?

    1. I never quite understood the urge to spend a bunch of money to celebrate when you aren’t even sure what you want, and going hunting for something to buy. Why not just earmark for something that you really do want, even if you find that thing in 6 months? Just seems like a waste of $500 to me. Oh well, to each their own.

      I’d buy art (or put the money towards a piece I want). I’m also in the market for a new camera.

      I’d put it toward an experience I really want to do, maybe as a part of my next vacation.

      1. This seems SO judgey. Sometimes it’s nice to buy yourself a treat for an accomplishment. I think pearls is a great idea or some type of statement jewelry (I really want a blingy right hand ring).

        What about a nice bag? Or a watch? Or a classic piece for your wardrobe? I recently bought myself an expensive but perfect black blazer and I feel like a million bucks in it.

        1. Oh calm down. I didn’t mean the post to sound SO judgey. I just said I didn’t get it.

          Stop looking for the worst possible tone/intention in people’s posts. Jesus.

          1. ETA- and then I made suggestions based on what I’d buy. Totally on board with buying yourself something for an accomplishment, but for me, only when there’s something I actually want. It’s the looking for something to spend that money on that I, personally, don’t get, but see a lot on this board. How is it a treat if you don’t even want it enough to know that you want it?

            Where’d the edit feature go?

          2. I actually want a pearl necklace, and that’s been my plan for this milestone for a long time, but one of my colleagues just got a Kate Spade bag, and it’s gorgeous, so I’m tempted. I also thought it might be fun to see what people came up with if I wasn’t too specific.

          4. Your lord, not mine. I’ll say it whenever and however I please. Thanks.

            Jesus, please protect me from your followers!

    2. I’m not a pearl person, so I would get a nice black blazer or suit and get it tailored. Something like the Armani suit from earlier this week but without the peplum.

    3. I love big black pearls.

      I am in the same boat and also want to by myself something–I was thinking I would buy myself a physical item and also a nice vacation.

      For the “item,” my current ideas are a beautiful statement necklace, a new handbag, Botox or Restalyne/Juvederm, a new coat, a nice big cocktail ring with a beautiful stone . . . But would love to hear other ideas.

      Also, I am going to buy my husband something too, given how supportive he has been of my career. I think he wants a nice watch.

    4. If it’s pearls you want, do research on ” passage des perles ” and then buy from pearl paradise online.

    5. If you’re looking for pearls, I love pearl paradise’s freshadama range for beautiful, classic pearls. Kojima pearls has more interesting, fun, and colorful pearls (if you look in the loose strand section, they’re willing to string them and make them a necklace for a small fee if you ask).

  14. Any career clerks in a state appellate court willing to share your salary and what area of the county you’re located?

    1. I’m now a career, state-level appellate staff attoerney. I make $72,500 (and don’t payanything for health insurance). I started this job three years ago (when I was 6 years out of law school). Raises are received only when we get more money from the legislature. I’m in Texas.

    2. With that handle, are you trying to figure out how it costs to buy/bribe one?

    3. I’ve seen some job postings for these positions in CA lately. The salary range is about $7-$10k per month.

    4. Most of this info is online. In NY state, it’s commensurate with experience and years in the system. If you’re just out of law school you start around $65/70K and you cap out at just over $130K but can have longevity bonuses. For a 9-5 it’s not bad at all! Plus, you have a lot of benefits that just don’t exist in other places like an actual pension.

  15. I’ve ignored “jeans Friday” as long as I can- soon I’ll be the only one not wearing them.
    Anyone have suggestions for dark wash, non form fitting trouser style jeans (bonus if wearable for pear shapes) ? I know to style them with a polished looking shirt and good accessories…

    2. Have you considered a nice denim pencil skirt? I’m a pear, and I got one I love from Old Navy of all places recently. http://oldnavy.gap.com/browse/product.do?vid=1&pid=119732012

      Know that isn’t what you asked, but just thought I’d mention. I’ve found I feel a lot more comfortable and fit is better in a skirt but the nod to denim shows I’m not a grump. Or at least I hope that’s the vibe. I ended up liking it so much that I bought the gray as well and it’s become my new weekend staple. Still can’t get over how little I paid for something I like so much.

  16. I need advice on how to counsel one of my staff about her speaking style.

    She is very smart, knows her stuff and is passionate about her work. Because of that she can come across as arrogant and rough, two adjectives that have been recently used by my peer group to describe her.

    I’m sensitive to the fact that we have different standards for men vs women – these behaviors may not have been as negatively perceived if she were male.

    As defensive as I feel of her, though, we do operate in a 360 feedback environment and this negative perception will definitely affect her annual review and therefore pay and promotion opportunities. So I want to help her.

    Have you been on either side of this equation yourself? How did you give or receive guidance? Any and all suggestions welcome.

    1. I think you should start by telling her that you appreciate her enthusiasm and honest exuberance for her work. Let her know that you are on her side, and have her best interests at heart, and want to make sure she is fairly compensated. I think (especially if you are her supervisor or mentor or similar) that you can let her know that this message you are delivering may affect her review and pay. I think that if you let her know that you are looking out for her, rather than just delivering a message, it sets the stage for her to be more receptive to your criticism.

      I think that you can simply tell her that when she gets going, she can sound rough. Perhaps she does have a thorough and complete grasp of what she is speaking about, but the message she is sending is one of close-mindedness/”I’m always right” and can be received in a manner that she did not intend it to sound.

      I review land use applications, and I was recently told by my boss that I can sometimes come across as an advocate for the projects I oversee–I am supposed to be more objective with my work. I have since learned to let the project speak more for itself, offering critical, objective analysis of both good and bad. In speaking and presenting my projects, I have slowed down, and taken a little more time to produce more thoughtful analysis that doesn’t just focus on the merits. Perhaps she can take a similar approach? As passionate as she is about her work, the arrogance can shine if she doesn’t also view her work with an objective and critical eye, and allow herself to see all sides of the matter, if that makes sense. Sometimes, just a pause when she is speaking about it, to make sure that the words she is choosing don’t come across with that sort of tone, can really help.

    2. Can you check your peer group and call out the possible double standard? If she’s not deserving of the feedback, I would struggle to give it to her. On the one hand, she needs to know if it’s impacting her negatively at work. On the other hand, it sounds like BS.

      1. Agreed, it totally sounds like BS, if my boss said I was being harsh or any sort of gendered language I would promptly start job hunting and then file a complaint against the company as soon as I got a new job.

    3. Recommend her for Toastmasters, or a more formal communications class, so she can learn from someone who is not judging her at work (her Toastmaster peers, or the communications class coach).

    4. Can you point to specific examples that make her sound arrogant or rough? For example, if everyone else always starts with “please” or “excuse me” and she just starts in with her list of facts? Does everyone else speak with a lot of adjectives or descriptive language, while she uses short declarative statements? I feel like these examples might mean there’s a double standard, but if you can actually point to concrete examples, that would be helpful.

      I was having some trouble communicating with someone, so I asked my boss to sit in on a meeting with us to see if she could help me pinpoint the problem. She gave me the very helpful feedback that it was an energy issue: I was WAY too pumped up, using big hand gestures and speaking at a very fast pace, while my counterpart looked like she’d been hit by a freight train. So, with the advice to mirror her body language and rate of speech, I’ve been able to improve my working relationship with the senior-level person. I didn’t get this feedback because I’m a woman, and it wasn’t to say that my energy level is always bad (it’s perfect for my boss and my skip-level boss). Instead, it was a reminder to match my communication to the person/situation. Can you assess if it’s body language, rate of speech, etc. that just need to be matched to the room vs. “tone down because women should be sweet and docile”?

    5. Have you seen the recent NYT article about women dealing with negative feedback? I thought it was very good. I would give her that as well.

    7. Thanks everyone. I don’t know how much of it is a double standard. She’s an interrupter and can be a little clueless about reading cues in the room. The other issue is that her normal way of speaking can sound like she’s yelling at you. This is probably cultural – she’s an immigrant to the US. I’ve walked into her office while she’s speaking to her sister on the phone and it seriously sounds like a screaming match, but everything is fine. It’s just how the two of them communicate.

      Perhaps because of the cultural differences, or perhaps it’s just her personality, she doesn’t sugar coat it when she thinks someone is wrong – which is where I personally get into the double standard, because I think males generally aren’t expected to sugar-coat. She’ll just flat out say “you’re wrong” in a meeting.

      Work-wise, I’m her boss’s boss. Her direct supervisor is male and thinks highly of her, and he’s also aware of the perception. He’s not sure how to deal with it. I volunteered to take her under my wing.

      Thanks for continuing suggestions, I appreciate them.

      1. I’m the only American in my office, and culture differences do go a long way. When I first started, people thought I didn’t know what I was talking about because I didn’t interrupt them when they were clearly wrong (they would actually “test” me on this) and say, “No, you’re wrong.” I was simply waiting until they were finished. My boss, who is not American, regularly tells people they’re wrong; I’ve managed to modify his behavior as to me and tell me WHY I’m wrong. Yelling matches are de riguer, which is just another way to communicate when it’s an important issue. It may help to point out some of the differences in communication and ask her to observe, and see if that makes a difference.

      2. Totally sounds like cultural difference… Let’s just say that all my compatriots are perceived the same way as I am, since we all enthusiastically point out when others are factually wrong :-). Nobody notices when we’re not thrown by being wrong ourselves.
        It could be really helpful to point the person to some larger resources, I’ve found the work of Robin Lakoff to be very helpful for instance. But I think you can help the person feel most at ease by even suggesting that this is a cultural problem, as it’s really not their fault in a personal way at all. And then let them mull things over, and give them a progress report in a month or so. It takes a while to change habits of a lifetime, even when consciousness strikes..

    8. I have been on the side of your employee…

      My manager decided to handle it by telling me there were several complaints that I was rude and abrasive. She was trying to protect the privacy of the people who reported it to her (which I understand), but could not provide me with any examples. I asked for help to change this and was told there isn’t really a way for her to coach me through this.

      What I got out of the meeting is… you’re rude and people don’t like you. I’m not going to tell you what you did wrong or help you get better, but you need to stop doing this mystery behavior.

      How would I have preferred this conversation? Maybe discussing ways to come across as confident without being rude? It really would have helped to talk through the actual scenarios in question with suggestions of how I could have handled differently. Just my thoughts.

    1. I think the recommendations would depend quite a bit on what your interests are and what you’d like to get out of it.
      In terms of where to stay, I haven’t really had to stay in hotels in Vancouver (as I live here), but I have had one special-occasion night at the Moda hotel downtown, which was lovely (we got a suite) – it’s a block off a super busy shopping/restaurant/bar street (Granville), but a little more tucked away. I know people always talk about Opus in Yaletown (which is great), but if you’re looking for a view, you may want to look into one of the Fairmonts (Waterfront or Pacific Rim – the latter is newer, and has good musicians play regularly in the lobby bar) or maybe the Pan Pacific (the hotel right on top of Vancouver’s famous “sails” cruise ship terminal and conference centre).
      In terms of where to eat, be sure to sample the various Asian foods Vancouver has to offer – most of which are as good as you can find anywhere in the world. Miku does great high-end Japanese, and Vij’s is very well known for Indian food. There are tons of good restaurants in Yaletown, but if you’re looking for something romantic, I would recommend Brix. The food is amazing, and they have a covered, heated brick courtyard that is a popular intimate local wedding venue. If you’re looking for an actual Christmas-Day meal, Bacchus restaurant at the Wedgewood Hotel is supposed to do a good one.
      In terms of other things you should do, I would recommend (if you’re into live music) an evening at Guilt & Co. in Gastown – it’s in a stone basement-type space, and has really tasty drinks. For touristy stuff, hit up Granville Island Market, maybe do Grouse Mountain to look back at the city, or Capilano or Lynn Valley Suspension Bridges. For shopping, I recommend South Main Street (between 8th Avenue and 28th Avenue), as well as downtown, and Gastown.
      And, of course, if you’re into skiing, there are a few local hills within easy striking distance of the city, or you could pop up to Whistler for a night or two. Happy planning!

    2. I’ve worked in my job too long.. I saw TIA and thought of a mini-stroke. Oh man. It’s only Monday.

      Enjoy your holiday!

  18. I went for a consult yesterday with a highly recommended plastic surgeon, who also provides non-surgical options.

    I’m 47 and generally seem to be regarded as looking “younger”, but I have a big issue with the bottom half of my face. I feel it is droopier than a lot of other women my age. I’ve done the non-surgical “skin tightening” laser and thermal stuff with (much) less than outstanding results. The doctor who did those said my skin had “more than average” laxity for my age. Which is basically what the surgeon said yesterday too. He asked me if I’d lost a lot of weight, which I have not. My weight has stayed within 10-15 pounds (except for pregnancies, but I never gained a lot in my face) my whole adult life.

    He recommended a short scar facelift combined with a brow lift. $22K. He doesn’t have the technology where it can show you what you’d look like but showed me with his fingers on one side.

    I asked about whether getting a facelift so early would be problematic if I wanted something else later one and he said that I’d probably want to have another one at 60 and it would be no problem. He seemed to think after 70+ I wouldn’t care any more.

    It seems fairly drastic to me (not to mention the 2 weeks recovery and what do I tell my 3 children whilst I am walking around with a chinstrap on for days on end). But what I have been doing is not making me happy, so I am considering it.

    Anyone had a facelift in their 40s, or early 50s? Any plastic surgeons here?

    My expectations are that the facelift would give me about 5 years off my current look.

    Not really sure, what I am asking, just looking for the hive’s thoughts…..

    1. Hm….I’d actually do it now. I think after age 60 I wouldn’t really care either, and you’ll be getting close to retirement. One thing I would ask him is how he would expect your face to change after menopause, because you don’t want to do it if you are going to see even more sagging after menopause. If the bottom half of your face is bothering you, could you just do the facelift and now the brow lift? Keep in mind that brow lifts can give you a headache for a months—but weirdly they cure a lot of people’s migraines.

    2. No personal experience but if the money isn’t a major factor in this and it would make you happy, it sounds like a good idea. Maybe get a few more opinions from other surgeons to make sure all of the information lines up and just to get really comfortable that you are picking the best one.

    3. I had a facelift a few years ago in my early 50s. I’d lost a lot of weight and I had a big ol’ turkey neck and the lower half of my face was a little saggy. I am THRILLED with the results, and I really and truly believe nobody can tell I’ve had work done just by looking at me.

      My surgeon says the people who get work done in their early 40s wonder why they bothered, the people who get it done in their late 40s and early 50s and tickled pink, and the ones who get it done in their 60s wonder why they waited so long!

      Warning: It is not for the faint of heart. For me it wasn’t so much the physical pain as it was the shock of looking in the mirror and seeing a moon-faced stranger. And whatever they tell you about recovery time, you should double it. They told me I’d be ready to go back to work in two weeks, and while I made it, it was a near thing because the bruises had JUST faded at the two-week mark. If I had it to do over again I’d take off three or even four weeks.

      1. Thanks ladies.
        Any thoughts on what to tell pre-teen children (10 and 12)?
        Also, my 5 year old nephew comes here, our nanny sits for him. I don’t want to scare him!

        1. Just tell ’em the truth: I’m having a little elective surgery on my face to get rid of some sagging skin that’s bothering me. I will be very swollen and bruised for a couple of weeks and it’s gonna look scary, but it will look worse than it feels (true story) and I don’t want you to worry or be scared. Surely 12-year-olds, at least, know about face lifts these days, don’t they?

          But honestly, you will be very scary for a 5-year-old for the first week or so. I’d consider staying out of sight while he’s around until the worst of it is over. Or, better yet, send the nanny and all the kids to your sibling’s house for a week so you can recover in peace.

          Also: If there is a surgical recovery center near you, consider spending the first night or two in one. Yes, it’s outpatient surgery but the first day or two are pretty icky. I stayed here: http://www.beverlyhillssurgicalaftercare.com/ and it was kind of pricey but totally, totally, TOTALLY worth it. It was like a combination of a luxury cruise ship and a hospital. The nurses took care of making sure I got my meds, emptied my drains, brought me food, and generally pampered me. And they had Netflix, cable, and wi-fi. SO MUCH BETTER than being at home with kids and husband underfoot.

  19. Any advice on how to ask SO to be better about doing his share of the housework? He likes to think of himself as so enlightened and always putting in his share of the work unlike those “other” men who tend to stick their women with the burden, so he usually gets annoyed when I suggest anything to the contrary. I’m tired of having a disgusting bathroom and kitchen and having no clean bowls to eat out of when I come home because the dirty dishes are littered all over the apartment. I’ve also suggested that “we” do a better job of cleaning up, and suggesting “okay why don’t we take care of x tonight?” which only sometimes works. I know I just need to talk to him but I’ve had a bad day and I don’t feel like being the bad guy when what I’m asking for is totally reasonable.

    1. I’ve found that it helps a lot when I say I’m going to do something and suggest he do something too – for instance, I’ll say “hey, I’m going to empty the dishwasher, can you get the dirty dishes so we can load it back up?” Or “I’m going to do the laundry now – would you mind wiping down the bathroom counter/cleaning the toilet?”

      Unfortunately I don’t have any suggestions for how to get your SO to naturally recognize when stuff should be cleaned though. Some people just don’t notice, or aren’t bothered by, dirt/clutter.

    2. I wish I knew the answer to this. I gave up and outsourced the problem. Money truly did buy more happiness in this case.

    3. In my experience (on both sides of the issue), bringing it up usually means temporary “being the bad guy”, defensiveness, and excuses, but in the long run it’ll get done more often with less resentment all around.

    4. I would love info on this too, if I bring stuff up with SO he will be good for a week and pull his weight. I think part of it is since he works more (I work and go to school) but we both have 50h weeks, he somehow thinks his weeks are longer since he is getting paid for all the hours he puts in while I’m not.

    5. Honestly, just do it. I don’t think you should feel like a bad guy at all and if he really wants to be enlightened about it, he’ll listen and take it to heart. If not, it’s b.s. Truly!
      I’ve had to have these talks with my SO from time to time, and he’s said things to me from time to time too. I don’t recommend you come home and just say ‘ugh, the apt is a mess! You don’t pull your weight!!’
      I usually pick a quiet moment and say something like, ‘listen, I know we both work hard but I really feel like you haven’t been doing your share of the housework. You haven’t cleaned the bathroom in 3 weeks, I am always doing the dishes, and I’ve been cooking dinner every night after work. I don’t think that’s fair.’ You may also want to talk about having some kind of routine in place to keep things from getting out of hand. Like maybe you agree that he is responsible for X, and you for Y.
      If it’s an option, you can also discuss hiring someone to come do the cleaning. Some people are terrible at this sort of thing and would gladly throw some cash at the task.

    6. We split up some of the chores based on what we don’t mind doing. He takes out the trash and I wash the dishes which he helps me dry. I find it easier to just clearly have a regular job that we are responsible for and its easier to do the dishes knowing I never have to take out the trash.

    7. I’ve been on your SO’s side — I think the problem is because it’s brought up so casually I didn’t realize how serious my SO was about this. I later found out it was something really bothering him after it went so long that he got upset. Take the time to say hey I’d like to talk to you about something and make it a purposeful conversation. He needs to see that it’s something serious or he won’t take it seriously.

  20. Anyone have experience with The Limited Outlets and how the style, quality and pricing compared to the regular stores? One’s opening up near me and I’m wondering if its worth the drive.

  21. Recently engaged girl here and we really want to do a “destination” wedding. I would prefer to stay in the United States so we don’t have to deal with passports, customs, etc. for our guests (approx. 30-40 people). My in-laws to be are beach people, but my parents are not, so we’re not sure to go with beach-y or mountains. Does anyone have any recommendations on places/resorts/great locations that are also child friendly? We are in the midwest, but have no problems flying. We really just want something with very little “work” involved in getting ready (i.e. decorating, setting up)…we want to show up and get married and celebrate with close friends and family. Thanks!

    1. Why a destination wedding? I don’t mean this as a criticism (though a lot of people will have that), but why are you looking for a non-specific location you don’t have any tie to? I have been to weddings that wound up as destination weddings, but there was always a hook (they went to camp in that location, her grandparents’ church was in that town, he was actually from that fantastic tropical locale). Figuring out why you want a destination wedding would help narrow down locations between beach, mountain, and other.

      From my experience, the best no muss no fuss destination weddings have been at big, fancy hotels where they do a ton of these things. I have been to weddings in Miami, Laguna Beach CA, San Juan PR, and Montego Bay, Jamaica that do such packages. Not very memorable weddings, but very easy for the couple to arrange from afar.

    2. Do a search for “elopement” and X destination. You’d think that would turn up actual elopement services but with the current state of things it’s come to mean “let me plan a small wedding for you in this location”. Obviously, some services are better than others but you can get a feel for it from the website aesthetic and they usually have client reviews.

      I did this in California wine country. Basically exactly what you said: showed up & got married, except with less people. If you’re okay with not being in control of everything and you can find someone whose sensibilities line up with yours, I highly recommend it.

      As for actual locations, I would agree that you should pick a place that’s meaningful to one of you, if not both, and that’s at least semi-convenient for your guests. Maybe some weekend getaway destination near where you live?

    3. I am not sure how easy it will be to find a ‘just show up’ wedding in the states–most people I know had to do a fair amount of additional work. I would suggest either a Vegas resort-hotel or a Florida resort, such as Try Club Med Sandpiper Bay.

  22. Newly engaged girl here, and we are looking at destination wedding locations. Does anyone have any recommendations? We are not huge beach people as we prefer the mountains. We’re looking at about 50 guests who would travel including close friends and family. We really have no idea where to begin this process. We want a low maintenance, “easy” wedding where the set up and decorating is not done by us. I want to show up, get married, and then celebrate and dance the night away. Any ideas appreciated! Thank you!

Comments are closed.