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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 256 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread |

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Comments

  2. Anon

    Long-shot thread jack right off the bat: Can anyone give me a review of Erin Stutland, specifically her online Magical Manifesters course? I am feeling extremely directionless in my life and what I want to be when I grow up, and this course allegedly helps you clarify your hopes and dreams. I’m just concerned because I can’t find any objective reviews. I don’t want to waste money if it’s not helpful. Thanks in advance!

    • Sydney Bristow

      I’ve never heard of that but I can recommend the books The Fire Starter Sessions and The Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte. Might be a cheaper way to start your journey. I’m still working through The Desire Map myself and have found it intriguing so far.

    • LAnon

      I don’t know much about that course, but I know Erin Stutland was / is really into intenSati. I tried intenSati a couple times because one of my friends swore up and down that it was life-changing, but I felt kind of silly doing it and didn’t feel like I was really internalizing the message. (For anyone who’s not familiar, intenSati combines physical movement like moving between yoga poses along with saying positive affirmations.) With this type of stuff, I think if you really commit to “believing” in it or accepting the message, it is more likely to work / impact your life than if you are skeptical going into it. So, that would be my thoughts without knowing anything about the particular course. If you have tried other similar classes or courses and found them helpful, that might help guide you because this seems like something that might not necessary be objectively helpful or unhelpful but instead depends on the person.

    • Emily

      I’ve actually bought her workouts… and don’t want to generalize, but I feel like most of the commenters would prefer Brene Brown’s book “The Gifts of Imperfection” more helpful than Erin. She seems to be great but a little fluffy if you happen to be the kind of person who goes to law school.

  4. Dreamer

    Assuming you could do anything and be paid your current salary, what is your dream job?

      • ace

        Related — barre or other fitness instructor (after spending a few months getting my self in impeccable shape).

      • Anonymous

        Another one for fitness instructor, and/or race director (running and tris).

      • SuziStockbroker

        Me too. My current job, or knitter, or midwife like “all the babies” below.

        Or, (if my kids were older) something to do with travel. Bicycle tours maybe?

      • LilyS

        Me too, or tailor, or something like that. I really enjoy the process of creating something tangible with my hands, as opposed to just digital files.

    • all the babies

      Me too, or tailor, or something like that. I really enjoy the process of creating something tangible with my hands, as opposed to just digital files.

      • Ellen

        I never knew before what a DOULA was. Whenever I heard the term, I alway’s used to think, b/c of dad’s storie’s about his stay behind the IRON COURTAIN, that it was an older woman with bad teeth from EASTERN Europeean that did NOT shave her armpit’s and smelled MORE then a little FOOEY! Now I learn that even pretty women can be DOULA’s, but the sound of the word still make’s me think of something less attractive. Mabye they should change the name DOULA to something that sound’s better, like DIVA. That I know AND understand. YAY!

      • SuziStockbroker

        I thought about this too at one point. However, it is very hard to have children of your own when you are a midwife, unless you have a partner with flexibility in their work.

      • Anonymous

        My understand is that a midwife is basically an OB-GYN and requires similar amount of training, but a doula is really just an advocate and not a medical professional (in the sense that they don’t have to actual perform medical procedures, but should obviously have knowledge about how birth works).

        As in, you could conceivably actually become a doula without having gone to medical school or equivalent. But, yes, you have to be prepared for middle of the night births.

          • Latte Tuesday

            + 1
            Not even close. OBs perform C-sections and other types of procedures, are MDs, and have 13 years of post-secondary education.

          • Anon&on

            I think a more accurate statement would be that a midwife is typically a type of nurse with advanced training, and an OB-GYN is (always) a doctor with surgical training. In most states, “midwife” is short-hand for “nurse midwife” — so, like a nurse-practitioner, they are a physician extender that can perform procedures and tasks that are outside the scope of an LPN or RN’s typical training. Similarly, OB-GYNs aren’t just a doctor — any Family Practitioner is a doctor and could deliver a baby; an OB-GYN is specifically a surgeon who is trained in the surgical interventions available during pregnancy / labor / delivery.

            On the other hand, there are also non-nurse midwives. They are not legal in a lot of states, but some places permit people with no more training than a doula (or even less) to deliver babies.

      • all the babies

        true–for a while I looked at becoming a certified postpartum doula, so that I could basically schedule all of my visits, rather than being on-call like a birth doula. I’d also love to be a lactation consultant. Doula does require schooling, apprentice-ship (for lack of a better term) and certification. MW is another step up.

        The partner with flexible schedule is what we don’t have. And we have young kids. Sigh. Not in the cards just yet.

      • Emily

        I thought so too, but if you’re on TV, you have this pressure to try foods you might not otherwise want to even try and pretend to like it.

        • Zelda

          I have a pretty adventurous palate and will try pretty much anything once (for example, jellyfish in China). From what I’ve seen on tv and in person, Anthony doesn’t pretend to like stuff if he doesn’t. I also like that even though he may not like the food, he is still respectful of the culture and doesn’t act like it’s weird or “bizarre” (I hate the title of that show for that very reason) just because it’s not familiar to him. A lot of the stuff that we think are normal are bizarre to someone else!

    • Ellen

      Yay! Open Thread’s! I love Open Thread’s and this Striped Vince Camuto shirt from Nordstom’s. Of course, horizontal stripe’s are chancey for people who are bustey, like me, but I still like it. YAY HIVE!

      As for the OP, my perfect job (with same pay and benefit’s) would be to be a stay at home mom. My husband would make enough money for both of us so that I could just stay at home (LIKE ROSA), and go to the gym and YOGA, and have my HOUSEKEEPER do all of the shoppeing and cookeing and cleaneing, and all I would have to do is to tell her what to do and what to buy and I could relax by the pool in the summer, and at the club in the winter, where they would have a steam room that I could SWEAT all of the Wieght out of me, so that when my husband came home, he would FIND me waiting for him, and he would respect me and take a hot shower before we had sex and would onley do what I felt comforteable doeing.

      Of course, that is ideal, and I am SO used to un-ideal men, who just come in, burp and expect all sorts of attention and over the year’s many do NOT even do ANYTHING for me–just roll over and go to sleep, or worse yet, get up and go home, leaving me with NADA.

      Is it unreasonable for me, as a vibrant woman to expect this much from my man? I would be true to him, and would NOT cheat or even think of cheating on him. (Rosa is loyal to Ed, even tho Ed slipped and had a stripper play with him for money –FOOEY on that). I figure that if I can stay home and supervise the household, that my HUSBAND can go out, earn a liveing for the FAMILY, then come home and manage the finances and enjoy being MARRIED to me, and get all of the mutually agreed upon rights and privileges that a man can have with a woman. That I think is a fair tradeoff for me being abel to manage the household and shop for personal thing’s for me and him and the kid’s. Am I wrong? I hope NOT.

      In any event, I wish the ENTIRE Hive a VERY happy weekend! YAY!!!!!!

    • Sydney Bristow

      It’s probably not a good sign that I find this question hard to answer.

      I’m going to go with TV/book blogger.

      • Sydney Bristow

        If I could add the caveat that I’d be safe, I’d like to change my answer to archaeologist who goes on digs.

        • Gail the Goldfish

          Ooh, me too. Sydney, I think we should be friends and talk about our fantasy careers.

          • Sydney Bristow

            I’m thinking we could find Atlantis. Put together marine biology and archaeology. :-)

    • Gail the Goldfish

      Writer (either travel or sci-fi/fantasy), horse trainer, baker of fancy cakes, marine biologist, or some sort of high-level legislative policy position (think Josh from the West Wing). (I have varied interests, apparently)

      • Sydney Bristow

        Ok aside from horse trainer, you’ve just listed every career I’ve wanted as I grew up. So I’m going to copy part of your list.

      • Mary Ann Singleton

        Horse trainer, yes. But only trainer of nice horses (not colts who would try to kill me.). So probably horse trainer of horses that don’t need training.

        Goat herder or wildlife biologist are other options.

        • Gail the Goldfish

          Who *doesn’t* want to be CJ Cregg? She’s awesome. (clearly I’m a fan–that’s where my username comes from)

          • Brit

            CJ Cregg is my spirit animal. I’ve been resisting very hard the last couple of days to not binge watch “The West Wing.” For the third time. In a year.

          • Senior Attorney

            Love CJ.

            Last week I was on vacation with New Guy (who would drop me for CJ in a red hot second, BTW) and we heard Leonard Cohen’s song “Hallelujah” on the radio, which made us go back and YouTube the scene with that song from “The West Wing,” where her boyfriend Mark Harmon gets shot to death in a convenience store and she finds out while attending a Broadway play. *sob* Poor CJ. Poor, poor CJ…

          • LilyS

            Oh, Snr Atty, thanks for reminding me of that scene… *cry* I love Mark Harmon and I love CJ and I loved them as a pair SO MUCH. They never really had a chance to get going.

    • Lyssa

      Judge on cooking competition shows.

      Restaurant reviewer.

      Professional blog commenter (that’s a thing, right?)

    • cc

      Movie quality checker. I’d watch movies before they came out and correct all the stupid stuff about them :)

    • Estuarian

      Wetlands marine biologist, studying estuaries. Weirdly specific, yes. In real life I’m a corporate attorney, and I actually love it, but maybe I’ll study estuaries when I retire …

    • anonymom

      Astronaut. Musical theater actress. Ballerina. Principal [instrument] in symphony orchestra. Microeconomist. Wilderness guide.

    • Anonymous

      professional volunteer … so I could alway try new things and travel the world to volunteer at new places

      • Snoozy

        Sports commentator, esp. for biathlon, ski-jumping, swimming, athletics and cricket. (Also weirdly specific.) Wouldn’t mind organising the Eurovision Song Contest either!

    • AN

      Travel writer
      Makeup artist
      Stylist
      Personal shopper
      Clothes buyer at swanky store

    • Scandia

      I would rather choose to keep my job,
      which I really like,
      and then increase my income,
      which I do not ; -)

      But I also want to be CJ

    • Rogue Banker

      Beyond late to the party, but – music producer, professional singer, author, makeup artist…. anything creative, as opposed to Ye Olde Corporate Grinde.

  5. Who's unreasonable?

    Hive, help me out. Last weekend, we invited a few couples over for a casual dinner party. One of the couples showed up with their 3 kids, 5th, 7th and 9th graders (kids were unannounced). They didn’t call ahead. It was not a childcare issue (oldest routinely babysits other kids). Basically, they brought them along because they had an annoying house guest that the kids didn’t want to stay with. We scrambled, cooked extra and accommodated everyone. Obviously it was not earth shattering and I’m not cutting anybody off (which is sometimes the go-to response on these threads, lol). But, I’m still annoyed about it – it changed the tone of the evening, everything was all about the kids and basically no adult conversation. Is this a parent v. nonparent thing? Should I expect this to happen now that friends are procreating? Do I say something after the fact?

    • Anonymous

      Yeah, the “all about kids” conversations are super common with the friends who have kids, even when the kids aren’t around. It’s like they’re subsumed into mommy-land

      • TO Lawyer

        Does it ever get better? I have one new-mom friend and we’ve been trying to plan a brunch for weeks. It has to be close to her house (when everyone else lives in the same area 45 mins away), somewhere that’s family friendly, and parking is easily accessible. But she refuses to do any of the legwork. I’m happy to plan things but I basically got yelled at for not checking if a place has high chairs when I was making a reservation. (it just doesn’t occur to me)

        OP – this is really annoying. You handled it very well. Your friends were rude. If this was a first-time thing, I would maybe just ignore it. But if it happens often, I would stop inviting them to adult-only events.

        • NYNY

          I agree that it was wrong for them to bring the kids, but it may have been a misunderstanding. These are your actual friends, right? Not acquaintances or friends of friends, but real life friends? If so, I would say something (or have your DH do it, if he’s the original friend). It’s a conversation, not a reprimand. “While we adore your kids, we weren’t prepared to see them the other night. Did we communicate poorly, or was there something else going on?”

          Maybe they interpret your invitations as family invitations, and you need to be more specific in the future. Or maybe there was something about the house guest that they weren’t comfortable mentioning at the party. Either way, you can only clear the air by talking about it. If you base future actions on what you think happened without really knowing, your friendship will end.

          • ArenKay

            I have two kids (9 and 11), and do not think that this is normal behavior. Most of my parent friends are clear about specifying whether or not an invitation is kid-friendly or un-friendly, and I do think it’s not polite just to show up with the kids. That said, I think NYNY’s response for what to do is spot-on; do this. It would be excessive to drop a friend for this.

        • Sarabeth

          It does get better. How new is the new mom? If her baby is less than a year old, there’s a pretty good chance that she’s operating on a significant sleep debt. She may be acting pretty badly, but honestly, it’s hard to be your best self under those circumstances. If you like her in general, cut her some slack for at least the first year. And maybe offer to pick up brunch from somewhere and bring it to her house. At 18 months, I still find eating out with my kid very stressful.

          • TO Lawyer

            You’re probably right. I don’t mind making things easier for my friends but I’m not a huge fan of having to accommodate her just because she had a baby and expects everything to revolve around her needs. But to be fair, she was like this pre-baby. It was just less inconvenient then.

          • Anon&on

            For what it’s worth, not all people with kids are like this . I have babies, and many of my friends do, but when I would meet people for lunch with baby during my maternity leave (while they were at work), I would never — in a million years — expect them to investigate the high-chair situation at a restaurant. I don’t even do that for myself. Your friend is either trying to get out of brunch with crazy demands, is suffering a serious sleep deficit / hormone crazies that are making her act weird, or thinks she is the center of the universe. (Or perhaps some combination.)

    • nutella

      Background: I am not married, have no kids.

      Not reasonable or polite to bring the kids — it’s no different to showing up with three uninvited guests to a small dinner party, regardless of their age.

      Now, the fact that the conversation focused around children is a differnt topic. It might have been the same whether the kids were there or not. There are plenty of people who hit major milestones and can’t seem to talk about anything but that (newly engaged, “work is so busy” complainers, new moms, fad dieters, etc.) and there are people who hit these milestones are still able to hold conversations outside of these pet topics. If this issue is new to you and your friends have been parents for ~15 years (if they have a 9th grader), then my guess is that the conversation could have steered adult if the kids weren’t there. It does not mean that other procreating friends won’t be able to avoid talking only about children.

    • Anonymous

      I just think its funny that you said “should I expect this to happen now that friends are procreating?” If your friends have a 15 year old they’ve obviously been procreating for a long time now :)
      I think it’s always rude to bring uninvited guests with no notice, regardless of your parenthood status. I would say something, but not about not wanting the kids. Just ask them to please give you advance notice next time if they’ll be bringing anyone else.
      And learn your lesson and don’t invite these people over when you’re hoping to have an evening of adult conversation.

    • tesyaa

      I don’t understand how they could have brought the kids unless it was a total misunderstanding, OR unless the houseguest was not just annoying but actually creepy or scary. (And in that case, the parents should have canceled themselves). Parents shouldn’t bring kids to an adult dinner party. Maybe an exception for a 2-week old infant who is nursing and will do nothing except sleep in an infant seat. OTOH, I think you did the right thing by dealing with it and avoiding further embarrassment.

    • ace

      Do any of the other couples have kids? I’d be annoyed if I lined up a sitter for an adults-only evening and one of the couples brought along kids. I’d probably be annoyed in any event unless it was left really ambiguous or really casual, such that it makes sense to bring the kids along with no notice.

    • anon

      Even as a parent–this is unacceptable. If I couldn’t manage to get my kids care (or leave them at home with grumpy houseguest), we would at least call the host and bring food. Or back out.

      And yes, even as a parent, it’s totally ok to say “we’re having folks over for adult party” It makes it a little trickier when you are the host and a parent, but it can be done, even with little kids who need actual babysitting.

    • anon

      You can’t really say anything IMO. We had this for a long time when we were in a work environment where a lot of our colleagues were older (we were young professors). It sucks because there’ s no polite way to broadcast that the dinner party is adults only. Still rude of them to not have given you at least a warning.

    • Parfait

      I wouldn’t cut them off over this, but I wouldn’t invite them to any more grownup dinner parties. I’d still invite them to backyard barbecues and other events where kids are fine, and I’d invite the five of them to those things. They clearly have lost sight of their own existence as individuals and can only see their family as one unit, so that is how I would treat them.

      • Anonymama

        That’s harsh! I can’t imagine doing that to actual friends without at least saying something first… Like hey, we weren’t expecting the kids last time, next time can you let us know if here’s an issue with leavin the kids?

        • Anonymous

          I really don’t think its that harsh- I can’t imagine just showing up with 3 invited guests.

    • Must be Tuesday

      It was rude for your friends to show up with 3 uninvited guests. Depending on my relationship with the specific friends, I might or might not say anything. If I did say something, it would just be to say that I loved seeing their kids, but wasn’t expecting them to come, so could they please give me advance notice if they wanted to bring someone else (including their kids) to a party in the future. If I didn’t say anything about that recent party, I might be aware to be more emphatic/specific in future invitations to . “Do you and [spouse] want to come to small adults-only dinner party on [date]?”

      Parties where kids are present are often all about the kids with little to no adult conversation. I have one awesome friend who has older kids (10 and 12) and a finished basement with a tv and toys. When she has parties, she makes sure to include kids (either by inviting friends with kids, or by inviting some of her kids’ friends or cousins) and the kids play in the basement while the adults have adult conversation upstairs. The adults occasionally take turns excusing themselves to check on the kids, but the parties are definitely not all about the kids. When other friends started having kids (most of my friends’ kids are under 6) I found out, to my disappointment, that this is not the most typical way of hosting parties with kids. All the other parties-with-kids usually involve the parents following the children around and paying most of their attention to their children. It’s understandable for the youngest kids; 2- and 3-year-olds can’t be left to play alone in another room as a group, but as a non-parent attending these parties, I find it boring because I basically just watch people playing with their kids (or scolding their kids or soothing their crying kids) and feel like I’m crashing some parent-child social event. So I go less now to parties where lots of kids will be present.

      • anon 338

        I’m sorry to hear that your adult-with-kid parties have not been as your Awesome Friend has! That’s the way that about all of our parties have gone. Our social group has only 2 families without kids. They host adult parties. Everyone else hosts adult-with-kid parties. Where the kids play together without much adult supervision–like you said, the parents tend to rotate in and out, for brief periods, just to ensure that no one loses an eye. And the adults stay upstairs and have adult time.

        Maybe we’re just hands-off, but this is the way it’s always been for us. For what it’s worth, we’re suburban/rural, small-town with big university, mid 30’s to mid-50’s (couple with grown children), and all of the kids are under 7.

      • Alanna of Trebond

        All Indian parties are like this. Is it not typical? And sometimes no one checks on the kids for hours.

    • SC

      I agree that it’s rude that your friends brought the kids unannounced. But, even assuming there was a misunderstanding, it’s strange to me that the evening then revolved around the 5th, 7th, and 9th graders. When I was a kid, my parents brought me along to a weekly gathering of their friends who did not have kids. Their friends were always nice to me, but after exchanging some courtesies and saying hello to everyone, I was expected and more than happy to sit by myself and read a book :-) One couple had a Game Gear, so that was a nice change-up :-)

      Last fall, we hosted some friends for a football game and let one couple know that they were welcome to bring their 9-yo and 11-yo (who we had never met). The kids ate some food, politely answered some questions about school etc., and then played their Nintendo DS’s. Of course, they were welcome to watch the game, but they weren’t particularly interested. Your friends’ parents may limit their kids’ screen/video game time, but when you bring 3 older children/teenagers to an adult dinner party, I expect them to be able to — and prefer to — entertain themselves.

    • Bonnie

      They definitely should not have brought kids. For future events, I’d say something like “I love Tommy and Susie but we’re looking forward to adult conversation.”

    • Anonymous

      Just some perspective. If the kids really didn’t want to stay with the houseguest, your friends may have had to choose between cancelling or bringing them. They were probably looking forward to coming and chose the “lesser of the two” wrongs (cancelling v. bringing the kids). This way, they could still have their fun night at your house.

      • Must be Tuesday

        I agree this is a possibility, but I still think it was rude to do it unannounced. Calling the hosts and explaining the situation and asking if it would be okay to bring the kids under the circumstances (and giving the hosts some advanced notice to prepare for extra mouths to feed and extra dinner places to set) would have been the polite way of handling the matter, rather than making the decision themselves and foisting three unexpected guests upon their hosts with no notice.

      • cc

        Cancelling is actually the lesser of the two wrongs- bringing the kids ruined the night for everyone vs just themselves.

      • Anonymous

        Or they could have called and said “so sorry, we have to bring the kids. But they already ate and we’d just love the leave them in the family room/den/basement etc.)

      • Anonymous

        They also could’ve booted the houseguest if (s)he is so bad to make the kids seriously uncomfortable. But unless there was an actual threat to the children (in which case, why is this person staying in the house at all?!), I think the parents should’ve told the kids to suck it up. Just because Aunt Betty smells like she fell in the tank at the Chanel factory doesn’t mean they force themselves on their parents, and by extension, on other people.

  6. Lady Tetra

    I know we’ve talked a ton about engagement rings, but what about wedding rings? Do you use your engagement ring as your wedding ring? Wear two rings on the same finger? Move the engagement ring to your right hand when you get married? I would love to hear your thoughts on this.

    • SuziStockbroker

      I just wear them both on the same finger. Pretty sure that is standard here, although many people just wear their wedding ring too.

    • Sydney Bristow

      I’m planning to add the coordinating band and then wearing them together.

    • Anonymous

      For me, it varies. For context, my wedding ring is an eternity band and my engagement ring is a solitaire. When I was first married, I wore both on the left ring finger. If I lost weight and my engagement ring would twirl around, I would switch it to the right ring finger. When my kid was a baby, I stopped wearing the engagement ring (except occasionally to work) because I would poke her. Now she is older and I am back to wearing the engagement ring on my left ring finger, as I have acquired other rings that I wear on my right ring finger daily (my late grandmother’s engagement ring and an antique ring with my kid’s birthstone). Sometimes I go without my engagement ring if it seems too blingy for something I am doing on a given day.

    • SC

      I wear my wedding band on the same finger as my engagement ring. For a while, I had gained some weight, and my wedding band wasn’t very comfortable, but it didn’t affect the engagement ring for some reason. I found that when I wore only my (admittedly very traditional) engagement ring, I got a lot of well-meaning “congratulations” from acquaintances or people I was meeting for the first time. Then, for some reason, it felt awkward to say that I’ve actually been married for several years and just didn’t have my wedding ring on, but I didn’t want people I was going to see again think that I was getting married. I’m in a smallish city where everyone is connected to everyone else, so YMMV if you’re in a large city where the impressions of casual acquaintances wouldn’t really matter.

    • nutella

      Does anyone here not have an engagement ring who is married? Or not have a solitaire? As friends of mine are getting engaged, and I’m heading down that path, too, I’m curious if anyone has opted for no engagement ring, or an engagement band, or even just a fancy ring that does not look like the classic solitaire?

      • anonymous

        I never had an engagement ring. Just a gold band with a non-standard design. I really don’t like the engagement ring idea for myself, and I didn’t want a wedding ring with any stones.

        • SmartCasual

          I have a good band with inset diamonds that was my engagement ring. I now wear it with a channel-set diamond eternity band.

      • Must be Tuesday

        I’m engaged and do not have (nor do I intend to get) an engagement ring. I will be getting a wedding ring, as will my fiancé.

          • Must be Tuesday

            (1) I don’t like the idea that women wear rings to show they’re engaged but men don’t. It always seemed kind of off to me. That wasn’t enough to stop me from having an engagement ring the first time I got married; I wanted the pretty diamond ring, and ignored my mental discomfort with the gender stuff.

            (2) I don’t have strong feelings about wanting to have a ring. I don’t feel bad or sad or left out that I don’t have one.

            (3) I know from experience (having had an engagement ring during my first marriage) that I didn’t wear it a lot. I would either wear just the wedding band, or neither.

            (4) Given those reasons, it doesn’t seem like a good idea to spend money (mine or fiancé’s or both) on something that I won’t wear very often, especially since the engagement rings I like are on the expensive side. Also, we’re both at a point where we’re focusing on saving for retirement, paying down student loan and mortgage debt, have a few rooms in our home that we want to renovate, and want to travel more.

            Given all those reasons, it just doesn’t seem like a good idea. I guess the short answer is: it’s not a priority financially.

          • WCEC

            I am married and don’t have an engagement ring for the same reasons as Must Be Tuesday, mostly (a). I pretty much only wear my wedding ring because my husband would be hurt if I didn’t. FWIW, neither of my parents wore wedding bands, so rings just don’t seem like a big deal to me, and the patriarchal history of rings bugs me but since both men and women wear rings now, myhusband’s preference very slightly outweighs my annoyance with the cultural baggage.

          • Scandia

            I only have my wedding band, my husband has a similar band.
            I have been married for 17 years. Engagement rings never was a thing in my family.
            My friends did not have engagements rings either.

            In my country, if you had an engagement ring, it would be your wedding band on the “wrong” finger, after your wedding, you would put it on the other finger.

            However, in the last ten years engagement rings have become a thing here too, as have proposals…

      • Sydney Bristow

        If you’re talking about it with your significant other go ahead and speak up if you like something else! I personally wanted a solitaire but wanted it to be moissanite. I’ve seen people with a bunch of really cool engagement rings. One friend wants an emerald. Go with what you love and what would be meaningful for both of you.

        • Killer Kitten Heels

          +1 to this – I have an aquamarine and really love it. It was also a lot less expensive than a diamond in the same setting would have been, which is admittedly a plus to me. I don’t know that I would’ve cared much if I didn’t get a ring, but it was important to my H for me to have one (he’s a little more invested in traditional gender roles), so I’m especially glad we pre-discussed it and I had the chance to make it clear that I preferred non-diamond options.

      • Anonymous

        I had a sapphire with diamonds on the side. Oval sapphire. Not huge. A friend of mine had an aquamarine in a setting that could have been used with a diamond but the stone was like a horizontal oval. Really pretty.

          • Anonymous

            LOL. I wish I’d married a prince. Far from it. Been divorced for almost 9 years.

          • Scandia

            He he,
            Princess Diana once went to a nursing home during her engagement and let an old blind lady feel the ring, saying: “I have to be carefull not to loose it, then nobody will know who I am”

      • anon

        I got a solitaire for my engagement (as a surprise–we didn’t pick it out together). Then a pair of diamond studs when I was preggo with #1. Then we decided to re-mount the solitaire with the 2 diamonds into a three-stone ring with a new setting when I was preggo with #2. Best gifts ever.

      • Just Gold

        No engagement ring here, just a plain gold wedding band like my husband’s. Happily married 10+ years. We were broke and frugal students when we got married, and I have strong objections to measuring my worth or my marriage by the size of a diamond. The tradition just makes no sense to me. Many European friends also seem to go with plain bands, for whatever reason. I say make sure you’re marrying the right person, and then do whatever you want about rings!

      • NYNY

        I have a non-traditional wedding band – wide titanium band with a teensy diamond mounted flush with the band – and no engagement ring. We didn’t have the money for much when we got married, but I dislike the symbolism of engagement rings anyway, so that was a feature, not a bug.

        DH doesn’t wear a ring at all. He plays guitar, and finds rings change his playing. He was willing to get one if it mattered to me, but I couldn’t care less. Why would I want him to wear something that makes him uncomfortable to prove our devotion?

      • Gail the Goldfish

        Not engaged/married, but I have a friend who has an eternity band set with alternating sapphires and diamonds as her engagement ring. She has a wedding ring that if I recall correctly is just plain platinum, but I think she usually wears just the engagement ring.

      • Sarabeth

        Me. I have one ring that doesn’t really read as either an engagement ring or a wedding band, although I consider it my wedding ring. I dislike the look of the classic engagement ring; if I were going to spend a lot of money on a ring, it would definitely be something different. But really, I’ve got lots of other stuff to spend the cash on, and in general I prefer to have a ring that has personal significance but that does not telegraph my marital status quite so clearly to the rest of the world.

        My husband doesn’t wear a ring at all; he’s British, and I think it’s pretty common there (although plenty of men do wear rings as well, including my FIL). Mostly, he doesn’t do jewelry/accessories at all.

      • Anon

        My mother never had an engagement ring. When I was growing up, she had a gold wedding band only. My grandparents gifted her a beautiful white gold ring which looks like an engagement ring for a work-related achievement, and then she only wore that for many years (I love that she got a pretty ring for a work accomplishment!). Eventually (probably about 10-15 years later) she got a band that matched that ring and now wears them together.

      • Scarlett

        Me – I chose a pretty emerald ring that doesn’t look traditional at all. My wedding band is small diamonds and I wear them together. I also have a couple of plain gold bands that I wear when I want to be more casual (brunch, yoga class,errands – that sort of thing).

      • Burgher

        I have an engagement ring and matching wedding band (that I used to wear together on my left ring finger), but they no longer fit and are in our safe. I have been wearing a totally plain gold band by itself since, and I love it for the convenience and the fact that I won’t care if it gets lost. I bought a Swarovski ring set that currently fits me for the occasions that I want something more blingy.

      • Older anon

        Both husband and I have just plain gold bands. I never wanted (and we couldn’t have afforded)a diamond engagement ring, But here’s the sweet thing: when oldest daughter married she gave me a very thin band with tiny diamonds. I put it next to my wedding band. Three years later, next child married and gave something similar, but a tiny bt different. And last year so did our “baby”, giving it to me at rehearsal dinner with a thank you for all the support speech. ! So I wear all four stacked, each slightly different but sparkly, on left ring finger. Love it.

      • PinkKeyboard

        I have a ring (was very important to my husband and it’s pretty so I was happy to accept it) but my Mom never got an engagement ring from my Dad. They just engaged/married and both wore wedding rings. Plenty of people either don’t get rings or get something else. My cousin wants a trip to the south pole instead of a ring.

    • Bonnie

      Wear them together but take off the engagement ring if I go to yoga or for a run.

      • rosie

        This is what I do. Very plain low profile band + antique engagement ring with several smaller diamonds. I never take the band off, and I wear the diamond ring to work and out, although not always on weekends. I wasn’t sure if I wanted an engagement ring, so we shopped together after we got engaged and ended up finding something we both really liked, so we got it.

      • Senior Attorney

        That is what I did. I had a traditional solitaire engagement ring and a wide two-tone (white and yellow gold) wedding ring with a few small diamonds. I wore them together for work and out, but otherwise I mostly just wore the wedding ring alone.

        When I got divorced I had the stone from the engagement ring made into a pendant and I sold the wedding ring. Too bad because I really liked that ring…

    • new anon

      I wear my wedding ring (a plain gold band) on my left ring finger all the time. For fancy events, I also wear my engagement ring (platinum/diamond; relatively blingy) on my right ring finger.

      Considerations in my case:
      -rings were chosen without regard to each other (my husband picked the engagement ring; I knew 1 million percent that I wanted a plain gold wedding band)
      -the rings don’t match each other
      -the engagement ring has a funny-shaped band that means it would fit oddly with a just regular shaped wedding band
      -the engagement ring actually fits my right ring finger better than my left
      -I like the engagement ring a lot and wore it through the engagement, but the stone does stick up pretty substantially, the ring was a bit large for my left ring finger, and the band is relatively substantial on the bottom of my finger. So, I took it off to sleep, to work out, and to get my hands wet (dishes, washing hands, etc). Plus, it would occasionally fall off (stone caught on skmething, hands wet and slippery, etc). All of that made me nervous about losing it.

    • N.C. anon

      My engagement ring didn’t have a coordinating wedding band, so my husband and I ended up getting matching bands. I had planned to wear one on one hand and the other on the other, but I stacked them once and was surprised how much I liked them together.

  7. Different lifestyles

    How do you deal with growing up and living different lifestyles than your friends? These are friends I’ve had since my late teens but I’m now in my late 20’s. I’m newly married and growing quickly in my career. As a result, I’m bringing home significantly more income than some of my friends (all unmarried but in serious relationships). This leads to a difference if opinion of where we want to live, how we dress, how we furnish our homes, etc.

    They are all accomplished in their own right but are opting for lower paid positions in fields that pay less than mine. I think they also just prefer to spend their money differently than I do. I don’t have extravagant or flashy taste, but I do spend on quality items. It’s seeming like we have less and less in common these days but I still enjoy them as people. I’m just finding it harder to connect with them and I don’t know if this is normal. Any thoughts or commiseration?

    • Different lifestyles

      Also please excuse any typos or grammatical errors. I threw this up quickly from my phone because I’m short on time.

    • Anonymous

      How does where your friends live/dress/furnish their homes matter?

      Unless you’re judging them for having less, or they’re jealous because you have more, this shouldn’t be an issue- you do wine at someone’s home, or you go for coffee, or dinner at a hole in the wall, whatever, this shouldn’t affect friendships.

      • Different lifestyles

        I’m not judging them and I don’t think they are judging me but, for example, when I bought a new piece of furniture, they gasped at the very moderate purchase price. If it were them, they’d buy something considerably cheaper and prioritize their money elsewhere. I think they may view me as being a “big spender” when I’m not.

        • Must be Tuesday

          Why do your friends know how much your furniture cost? Just from my own personal experience, I’ve never told friends how much I spend on furniture or clothes or cars and I’ve also never asked friends what they’ve paid for those items.

          • Different lifestyles

            They asked because they liked it so I told them. For reference, it was a $2k couch that I got on sale for $1500. It’s definitely not an extravagant purchase.

          • Senior Attorney

            So I’d say lesson learned. Henceforth I’d consider responding to questions like that with something like “I’d tell you, but then I’d have to kill you.”

          • Sally

            Well, it’s not extravagant if you have that kind of money. My couch cost $700 so a $1500 couch would seem extravagant to me. I’m just saying that “extravagant” is relative.

          • Anonymous

            Yeah, for what it’s worth I’ve worked in Big Law for 4 years and I’ve never bought a couch that costs $1500. Obviously there’s no reason you shouldn’t buy it if you can afford it, and people prioritize different things when it comes to discretionary income, but I wouldn’t describe it as a “very moderate” purchase for someone in their 20s.

            I think it’s tacky to say the price in response to an off-hand question like “Oh wow, nice couch, how much was it?” I would say something like “I got on sale, it was a great deal.” Different story if your friend tells you she’s seriously looking for a couch and asks you detailed questions about pricing and where you got it, so she can get the same one. But for offhand comments, I’d never volunteer price info, especially because you know your friends earn much less.

      • Senior Attorney

        This. Are your (collective “your” — you and your friends) conversations revolving around (collective) your purchases? If so, maybe it’s time to find some new material.

        I will say, with all kindness, that “I have different preferences than my friends because I spend on quality items” seems a little condescending. Again, seems like some new conversational topics may be in order.

        Edited after seeing your response above: Why on earth are you telling them the price of things? Just stop it! LOL

        • Different lifestyles

          I can now see I’m digging myself a hole and that definitely wasn’t my intention. I should’ve taken some time to write up something better and more thoughtful.

          I think what I was trying to convey was that if I spend on a high ticket item it’s because I want a high quality item that I use for a long time. Why spend $500 on item X when you can get something similar for $100.

          Any tips on how to just steer clear of prices when prompted?

          I definitely don’t intend to be flashy or view myself as above them. We’re just in different salary brackets and I feel like it’s becoming apparent and that’s not my intention.

          • Anonny

            I’m with you, OP. I’m about to buy a luxury class SUV and a really nice handbag that will be recognizable (don’t worry – no logos!!!!!). But, I don’t need to tell my friends the price, I know they’ll be able to ballpark in their heads or find out with a simple google search, god forbid they ever went that far. But, we also got this reaction with our 14-day honeymoon at a very nice resort. Certainly I have more tact than to discuss dollars spent on these things, but it’s easy to figure out. They often have the same reaction to what you’re observing, OP. It doesn’t make anything tense in the friendship, and things generally carry on, but for those select instances it’s absolutely uncomfortable.

          • Anonymous

            It’s only becoming apparent that you’re in different salary brackets because you’re acting differently- you really are coming off as sort of smug. I know online isn’t the best medium, but, just think about the possibility that your issue is your attitude, not the money.

            I work in biglaw, my best friend from high school was living on a grad student stipend for the last couple of years. It honestly never was an issue, I’d spring for dinner every so often, especially if I wanted to go to a nice place that I knew she couldn’t afford, but otherwise nothing at all changed.

          • Senior Attorney

            I get what you were saying. And again, with all love and respect, can you see how your position might be seen as condescending by somebody who might not have the $500, or who might not place as high a priority on X item as you do? (It costs money to be poor and maybe they get that the $500 item is better but choose to buy the $100 item because they have four other $100 expenses that pay period.)

            As for how to steer clear, I gave a suggestion above and I think using humor and redirection are fine. “I gave up discussing money for Lent.” “Sorry, that’s classified.” “My mama taught me a lady doesn’t discuss the price of things and I’m trying to be more ladylike.” Or just lie: “I don’t remember exactly.”

            If you’re in different salary brackets it will inevitably become apparent but you don’t have to let it be a topic of conversation or a source of friction.

          • Different lifestyles

            @seniorattorney, I can definitely see how my position can be seen as condescending. I appreciate your insight.

          • Anonymous

            I don’t know that this is even an issue of different incomes. I have a friend with a much higher household income and inherited wealth than I do (easy, since I have none of the latter), and she sounds just like your friends. It’s just how she learned to look at spending. E.g., she loves to go to dinner at the place where she has a free appetizer coupon even if it means spending $10 on the rest of the meal that she doesn’t love (vs. the rest of us who’d rather spend $15 at a place we chose absent a marketing draw, and maybe eat out less to be able to enjoy those nicer but still modest dinners), she’ll bring $5 Andre that no one will drink rather than $7 prosecco from TJs that is actually good, etc. She only sees the lowest dollar tag and not the $ for value.

            By now, in terms of restaurants, we just go separate ways when this stuff comes up, and in terms of other forms of consumption, just stop talking about it! Don’t tell them when you buy something new and if they come over and notice it, just thank them for any compliments and deflect questions about cost. There’s room for improvement on both sides IMO, and I’ve found I enjoy my friend a lot more when I stopped bringing up things that I knew would invite “Anonymous is so fancy” comments.

    • Anon for this

      I have gone from making more than most of my friends, to significantly less, to now significantly more again (and it looks like it is going to stay that way now I am done having bay-bees).

      I make way more than I ever thought I’d make.

      However, we live in a HCOL city and bought a home in one of the more expensive areas of town. For the location, not for the “tony-ness”. You’d never tell by looking at the houses, they generally smaller and older than the ones in our suburbs.

      So, for the most part I have just been chunking the debt down very aggressively, maxing education and retirement plans. My friends don’t see how small my mortgage is, or how much is in those investment accounts.

      What spending I do do isn’t very “in your face”. Like, my best girlfriend who works in social services isn’t going to have any idea how much my suit or bag or shoes cost (and I’m only in bucket 3 or so for most of them). Nor is she going to know that the condo we rented in Florida next month is costing us -more-than-we-would-have-spent 5 years ago.

      I guess I am saying, if your spending isn’t conspicious, can you explain more about how it is harder to connect with them? I am not having that issue in my relationships.

    • Emmi

      I had this problem for a while, eventually we fell out of contact. It’s just easier to have friends that are in same place.

      • Anon

        Gross that “place” = “money”

        As for OP, I’m not understanding why she says the only difference is her salary and stuff she buys, and yet she’s finding she has “less and less in common” with her friends. What?

        • Anonymous

          I read her post as also bringing up career ambition differences, and I think that + money can make things harder, though certainly not impossible. I’m a junior Biglaw associate (so making really good progress on my loans, but still have a fair amount of debt) and obviously I work long hours. I have friends who are perfectly content to work part-time jobs, and it can be difficult when they (a) complain that I am not available for drinks at 4pm, (b) other than the occasional happy hour, mostly want to bake and do arts and crafts, which I have never been into and am not going to spend the only free afternoon I have in a month on (if I had more free time, sure, I’d do it once in a while just because they like it, but it’s just not healthy for me to have 100% dreaded obligations and nothing that I enjoy), and (c) are constantly making judgy comments about “how rich I am” because I make a good salary (I’ve never discussed it, and they don’t know that much about legal salaries, they just assume it’s a ton). Even though on an after debt basis, they make more (they had private schools all paid for, plus got cars on graduation), they still throw in judgments about how I paid for a housekeeper to come ONE TIME. They “just didn’t grow up in homes where their mother didn’t clean up the house herself, and that’s way too extravagant of an expense.” If I had the free time to make new friends, I can’t say that I’d ever hang out with this group. So, I certainly understand where OP might be coming from.

          • Batgirl

            I have to say, you shouldn’t equate making more money with having more career ambition. Not everyone is motivated by money, some people work in fields where they make more money but are more intellectually stimulated or have an impact on an issue they care about. I was never as bored as I was when I was making bank in Big Law. I’m much happier now that I’m at a non-profit, even if it meant a huge paycut. I don’t work the long hours, but I’m way more invested in my work and more intellectually stimulated. I raise this point because lots of people on this blog conflate high salaries with strong career ambitions, and I think it’s incorrect and insulting to those of us not motivated solely by salary.

          • Anon

            This post comes off as a bit defensive. I agree with you that can be harder to maintain friendships when you’re in different places in your careers, for the reasons you stated. I’ve experienced that myself. I totally grates on my nerves when my friends with part-time jobs and family money whine that I can’t leave work at 5 to go on a walk with them and even have the stunning insight to say “eww, your job sucks!” when I tell them I can’t. That being said, OP didn’t mention differences like this. She didn’t mention an ambition difference at all. She mentions that her friends are accomplished “in their own right” but the only difference she mentioned is salary:

            “As a result, I’m bringing home significantly more income than some of my friends (all unmarried but in serious relationships). This leads to a difference if opinion of where we want to live, how we dress, how we furnish our homes, etc.

            They are all accomplished in their own right but are opting for lower paid positions in fields that pay less than mine. I think they also just prefer to spend their money differently than I do. I don’t have extravagant or flashy taste, but I do spend on quality items. It’s seeming like we have less and less in common these days but I still enjoy them as people. “

        • Anonymama

          Yeah, having friends with vastly different incomes can mean an occasional awkwardish moment, but hopefully you have other things to talk about besides what you are spending money on.

    • anon

      I am appreciating all the comments in this thread. I hope it’s a wake-up call for the OP to stop being so smug. Yes, life is so hard when you are making more money than all your friends and then you can’t relate to them anymore…. What?!

  8. Kiddo

    Actual quote from opposing party to me at a settlement today “Good job Kiddo”. This was after they unsuccessfully tried to push me around for four hours. Furious!

    • Mpls

      “Thanks, Graybeard.” He’s just trying to get in one last part shot, since nothing else seems to work. I’d take it as a win :)

    • Marise

      I’ve had this happen to me and been similarly frustrated. Tempting to cheefully respond, “Thanks, Old Man!”

    • A Canadian long time reader

      Oh god that’s so infuriating. Saving these replies as I’ve been in a similar boat so many times. (Look young.)

  9. Wildkitten

    Where is driving distance from DC but would be warm enough to be fun for a weekend trip in late March? (Temperature – over 40. Preferably over 50. Doesn’t have to be over 70 or beachy).

    • SC

      It depends on what “driving distance” means to you, but you could try Myrtle Beach, Hilton Head, Charleston, or Savannah — all between 8 and 10 hours, which to me is a reasonable, not too tiring drive. It’s not a sure bet, but the average temperature range in March seems to be about 45″ low and 70″ high in late March. If you want to make sure it’s warm, it looks like you can get to Amelia Island in 11.5 hours — to me, drive-able in one day with a friend or spouse with me, but exhausting alone.

      • Wow

        Brit here – is 8 to 10 hours really ‘driving distance’ to you all over there? You could drive most of the length of Great Britain in 10 hours!

        Let me pick my jaw up off the floor.

        • Parfait

          It absolutely is. I cackled when I was in the UK and saw the road signs warning about exhaustion setting in on long drives. You can’t DO a long drive on that island! It would take like four 12-hour days to drive across the US.

        • SC

          It probably varies depending on where people here grew up or live now. I grew up in central Florida, and it takes 6 hours just to get out of the state from there :-) For 12-hour road trips to my grandparents’ house when I was a kid, my parents would pack the car the night before and lift me out of bed at 5 am and install me in the backseat. I’ve never been a morning person, so we’d be half-way to grandma’s by the time I woke up for lunch :-)

          I went to college about 10 hours away from home and would drive home for longer breaks, so I’m sure that’s where I get the mentality that 10 hours is “driving distance” for one person. I drove 13 hours by myself (in heavy traffic, at the end of a holiday weekend) last year, and I was miserable and stressed out by the end of it. But my SIL went to college 14 hours away from home and still lives in that area and drives here about once a year, so she’s used to 14-hour solo drives.

        • SuziStoc

          That’s why the old saying is:

          In Europe, 100 miles is a long way. In North America, 100 years is a long time”.

          :)

          The whole of England can fit into Vancouver Island, I believe.

        • Anonymous

          I love road trips & I would not normally refer to 8-10 hours as “driving distance,” especially for a weekend trip, because you’d spend the whole time driving there and back. I’d say <5 hours is driving distance in the context of weekend trips.

        • Mpls

          We did 10-12 hour road trips in one day to see my grandparents every summer (flying wasn’t an option – too many people, too small of town). But that was for a 3-4 day trip (1 day driving each way and 3-4 days at the destination).

          That 10-12 hours basically gets you across 2 states (a skinny-ish one and a wide one).

    • Scarlett

      The Greenbrier in West Virginia is a cool resort, very old school Dorothy Draper.

  10. Zelda

    Anyone have any tips for getting the most out of an Amazon Echo? I just got mine last week and really like it, but mostly use it for music, timers and asking the time/weather.

    • Hollis

      Zelda – How long did it take you get an invitation to buy it? I’m a prime member and requested an invitation, but it’s been over a week and I haven’t received any kind of invitation to purchase it.

      • Zelda

        It took a while. I requested it in November, received the invitation at the beginning of January, finally shipped 2-3 weeks later.

        • Hollis

          Thanks for letting me know. I’m trying to buy it as a birthday present for DH, which is coming up in a month! Maybe the reviews will give you some suggestions on good ways people have used it?

    • helena

      It’s so cute… I have no need for this top but I am oddly transfixed by all things striped!

  12. $$

    Can I just celebrate a minor financial milestone happening a few months quicker than I thought it would? My emergency fund is fully funded! I wish I could take credit for being extra-frugal but I got a larger-than-anticipated tax refund and so could top it up three months ahead of schedule. I’m so excited to start putting that extra money toward my retirement and travel funds every month!

    Also, I love that this is a place where people feel comfortable publicly discussing finances, since it’s Not Done in my social circles. Anyone else been doing well with the dollar (or your currency of choice) management recently?

    • Sydney Bristow

      Congratulations!

      I’m a bit squeezed right now because I was out of work for 2 months at the end if the tear and we just moved and had all those associated costs. On a new job and getting back on track now though!

    • Anon

      Nice and congratulations..

      I have an ambitious goal of not shopping during 2015. I have not bought anything (clothes, shoe, make up, accessories etc) for last two months. I am formally budgeting for the first time in my life and liking it so far…

      • emeralds

        Way to go! Last year a coworker and I made a joint New Year’s resolution of not buying clothes for six months. I didn’t quite make it, but I re-upped and am trying to make it to July this time (with the exception of a new pair of shorts, which I do actually need for the summer).

        I still need to lock in a real budget. I’m pretty good about not spending on superfluous stuff (clothing is my only real impulse-buy problem area) and made some structural decisions to reduce my living expenses so I don’t need to stress about the nickles and dimes, but I know I could be doing better.

      • anon

        I also just started seriously budgeting. It’s amazing how the little things add up. I haven’t bought any new clothes in 2015 yet. It’s tough because I live in a high cost of living area and I have huge winter utility bills on top of that. And then my family member has expensive medical bills I have to pay. It’s like, when will the fun spending get to happen? All my money is going to the necessities right now.

  13. helena

    Got a new job that is business formal – i.e. pretty much nothing in my current wardrobe aside from one interview suit is going to be usable. Feeling a little overwhelmed having to start from scratch – any thoughts or articles on how to do this right?? I don’t want to cheap out and have to repurchase again within a year so I’m ok with investing some serious time and a reasonable about of dough…

    • Coach Laura

      I would google “capsule wardrobe” and start simply. Before buying, wait until you start or are totally sure that you know what your coworkers wear (level of formality, cost, type etc) and then decide on your capsule colors. For me, it would be a black suit, a charcoal or medium grey suit and a suit in a color like purple, burgundy or mid-range blue (not navy). Beige or tan would also work as a third suit. Choose classic suits. I’d get various suit pieces (skirts, pants, dresses or all three) so you have a variety, assuming you wear pants and skirts both. Then 4-5 blouses/tops/shells that mix and match. Shoes. Then, over time, add in pieces that you like that aren’t as versatile, statement jewelry, handbags etc. Add a dress or two if you like dresses.

  14. Job Hunting

    This is sort of related to the job thread earlier this morning. I saw a lot of posts discussing work-life balance at smaller law firms without a national presence. My question is, how do you evaluate these kinds of firms effectively before jumping? From my experience, there’s usually not much online about what it’s like to work at a particular small firm, and it’s hard to ask your current colleagues about the firm’s reputation without people around you figuring out that you’re looking for a change. So it seems as if you’re really just relying on whatever you learn in your interview and crossing your fingers that they’re telling you the truth. Scary!

    • Hollis

      So true! I think you just need to try and spend as much time with people who are there and try and get a sense for whether they are happy, treat people well, have good work-life balance, etc. It’s not always the case, but if there’s high turnover, that’s kind of a red flag, too. So basically, try and ask a ton of questions during your interview, try to meet more associates and ask them probing questions, etc. You can ask people you trust (mentors in your industry) about the firm’s reputation, too.

  15. E

    Challenge for my fellow ‘rettes:

    What brand or designer is this dress? (Been watching HOC season 3, once again obsessed with Claire Underwood attire)

    It’s everything. Sleeves, demure, flattering, long enough. a holy grail dress.

    picture in name and below.

  16. Meg

    Help, please? I just found out I am covering a trip to a hot climate and leaving in 4 weeks. The trip is two weeks long and the dress is business casual. (Checking out potential factory sites.). There is a team going so there will also be evening dinners. Weather in the 80s and we are traveling by plane between cities, so packing light is key. And because we will be tromping around outside in empty fields, comfortable shoes are a must. Any ideas on where to start?

    • Monte

      Does that mean you have to wear pants and long sleeves each day at the site? (I assume closed toe shoes every day.) Normally I wear dresses, perhaps jersey, so that they are easy to roll and I can pack 7 at a time in a roller bag with jeans and other sundries, but if you have to wear pants and sleeves, it is a different story.

    • aBr

      If you can get away with it, short cowboy boots work great for things like this. If you can find a super comfy pair, you can wear them on the plane and they won’t take up too much space.

      • Meg

        Thanks to both of you for the suggestions. Pants and shirts aren’t required, so the jersey dress suggestion is definitely doable. I’d never considered short cowboy boots before, but now I am. Thanks!

  17. Fido

    Etiquette question!

    My husband and I have a friend who recently had her book published and we are invited and attending her launch party next month at a nice NYC venue. I was originally planning to order and read the book as soon as it was out, but that ship has sailed. Now my husband is telling me that the etiquette of these things is that we both need to buy copies at the party given that we are both attending. He’s a lawyer and has never attended a book party, but seems to feel strongly that this is the etiquette. Any insight? It’s a somewhat technical book and would not make a good gift for anyone else, so buying two would have no possible utility to us, but of course I’ll do it if it’s truly expected (list price is around $45 each). I would have thought one copy between the two of us and maybe a small congratulatory gift sent to her at home before the party would be more appropriate.

    • Another anonymous Judge

      For obvious reasons I think the answer is you do NOT need to buy two copies. Interestingly, google reveals that at least some authors feel the same way

      https://authorchronicles.wordpress.com/2013/12/10/launch-etiquette-must-you-buy-the-book/

      Surely your friend will be thrilled that you are there and supporting her, and did not invite you as a sales tactic? I think your attendance, purchase of one copy and a gift is more than enough to demonstrate your support and delight for her.

    • Moonstone

      One copy is plenty. I go to a lot of these things, and I can’t imagine one couple buying two copies just for themselves for this kind of book.

  19. Wednesday's child

    Hi ladies- does anyone have recommendations for bras in odd sizes? I take 30C and I LOVED Calvin Klein underwear, but they stopped making the 30C and I haven’t been able to find anything else I like. I know 32B is theoretically a “sister size” but an actual 30 C is about a million times more comfortable (32s ride up over my breasts when I raise the arms because the band is too loose). I’ve been to several specialty bra shops in my area, but they seem to mostly cater to large sizes and don’t have much (if anything) in my size. Alternately, is it possible to ask a tailor to tighten the band or is that crazy? Thanks for any advice!

    • Marie

      +1 for Amazon or Ebay for discontinued sizes. My favorite sports bra was discontinued and I bought a bunch of them on Ebay, new with tags. Now I won’t have to think about the problem again for a few years.

    • Monte

      I don’t wear the same size, but I do wear a size that I can only find occasionally in stores. I shop online almost exclusively, usually at herroom and journelle. A quick search reveals 15 bras on journelle and over 100 on herroom for 30C. Nordstrom will have some in your size, but at least in my experience the variety is slim and it gets frustrating quickly. Bras that I have in my size that also come in yours, and that I love, include the Claudette Dessous, the Claudette Balconette, the Chantelle Rive Gauche, and the Freya Deco plunge bra.

    • Rogue Banker

      I have the opposite problem – normal band size, abnormally large cup. -.- In general, check out European brands for this – I know there are several that go as low as a 28 band. I know it’s possible to tailor a bra band tighter, too. Seconding the above shoutout to Freya for making pretty bras in damn near every size!

      • Wednesday's child

        You are all amazing, thank you so much for all the advice! I will definitely check out all these options!

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