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Updated: Oct 31, 2018 362 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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weekend open thread - asicsSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. 2,390. That's how many positive, 5-star reviews this sneaker has: two thousand, three hundred and ninety. Day-um. I wouldn't wear these for aerobic workouts, but for running around town with errands or more, these look fabulous. The muted colors are a nice change from some of the more colorful shoes we've seen in the past, and for $75, it's hard to go wrong. Onitsuka Tiger by Asics Ultimate 81® (L-2)

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Comments

  1. Happy Dance

    Starting this off with some great news!

    I’ve been in my current position for almost a year. I just found out that my boss is advocating for me to receive a 12.5% increase in salary!!!

    *HAPPY DANCE*

  2. Senior Attorney re LA Meetup

    Re-posting with update from the morning:

    Any LA-area ladies interested in a meetup in the near future? There was a group of us doing monthly happy hour/brunch for a while but we haven’t gotten together for a while and I miss it! I’m thinking downtown LA or Upper East Side (Pasadena).

    Any takers? If so, post here and/or email me at seniorattorney1 at gmail and let me know your preferences re date and location.

    UPDATE: Based on feedback so far, I’m thinking happy hour on Tuesday, February 9 in Downtown LA. What say you all?

  3. Kondo Q -- boot / close organization

    For organizing boots a small closet with lots of ceiling space, does it make sense to just keep boots in boxes and stack by boxes? I can see how some magical container store thing might condense it into one “thing”, but I hate paying $ for things just to store stuff in and it might be better to store boots so they have some structure (esp. for things with shoe trees in them. Also, if I use a stool to get to the shelf, probably easier to lift boxes 1 by 1 than 1 giant heavy container (and better to have small things fall on me if I mess up). 5 pairs of boots in big boxes; but I’d love a few more . . . .

    • anon

      What if you stack the boxes but cut off the end so it looks like a cubby type system? Then you can still easily access and see them all?

    • LondonLeisureYear

      I would put the boot trees in each pair but buy ones that allow you to hang them. Then I would put a shower or curtain rod way up high and hang the boots off it. Does that make sense?

    • Anonymous

      I have mine on a shelf with rolled-up magazines inside, to keep their shape.

    • anon

      I do something similar, put them back in boxes if I think it will be some time between wears (don’t bother for my high-rotation boots). However, even inside the box I stick something inside the boots to help them hold their shape – have used those shipping air-bubble things (the big ones, not the ones that are fun to pop) or empty/clean wine bottles are good. I do it mostly because i think my closet looks neater this way and I want my boots flat so they don’t shlump around the ankles from standing upright even if the stuffing helps them from folding across the shin/calf part.

  4. Lila

    So – I really need you ladies input. I had at least two exes that took our breakups hard and was stalked relentlessly by them, to the point where one slept outside my apartment front door as well as the other one hacking into my email. MADNESS. Well, so far I’ve read an alarming amount of articles about having an online presence. Which currently – besides my Facebook which has less than 100 friends, all of which are family (and my page is under my nickname) and only two profile pictures – I have no other pages, linkedin, instagram, twitter etc. due to the fact that they not only give me anxiety but also that I am not okay with the idea of former crazy exes or other people I had issues in the past looking at my current or past employers on LinkedIN or looking at my family/friends. ETC. my question is… I need to network because I am wanting to change to a new industry, and have no current connections. how can I go about this? Also – is it okay to not have LinkedIn since I have had these traumatic experiences with stalkers?

    • Anonymous

      An alternative to LinkedIn is a personal website. You can include the url in your email signature so that only those people you email know it exists.

      • Lila

        Thank you for responding, but if one was to search my name – the website would pop up. The ex that hacked into my email is very internet savy. He scares me the most.

        • Killer Kitten Heels

          It’s possible to password lock a personal website – my H did that recently when he wanted to create an accessible portfolio for his job search, but didn’t want his (former, we hope) stalker to be able to find it/view it.

          • Lila

            Great idea! I really want to do this one. which site did you guys use? i need one that is fool proof.

        • Anonymous

          not necessarily. You can name it something professional and not use your full name and/or regular email address.
          As for LI – you can lock your profile down. That might be a way to go about having an LI profile. Also, make sure you use 2FA for everything; email, banks, you name it, so hacking your email is less likely to happen. Good luck and I’m sorry this is happening to you.

    • Anonymous

      just for giggles…I had to read your post THREE times because the first two I read “exes” as “Execs” and was wondering who these looney stalker ex-bosses were.

    • Restraining Order

      Is it too late to get a restraining order?

      I have an abusive ex who is also computer savvy. He installed some tracking program on my phone. He somehow got into my gmail and my facebook, and sent all sorts of insane things to people, including really insane things to partners at the firm I work for. At least for the court I was in, based on the crap he had done, I could have special provisions put in about electronic activity-no accessing my social media, linked in, email, etc. etc. etc.

      My ex was the type to be deterred by a restraining order, though. He was up for biglaw partner. Not all people are so deterred.

      • Anonymous

        I don’t think so due to the fact that I haven’t heard from him in three years but I think about his threats and harrassment every single day.
        Am I silly? Should I just forget it? I just worry that as soon as I let my guard down he will start harassing me again. Anything I do online I worry he is watching and waiting.

    • anon3L

      1) It is ok to not have LinkedIn! I don’t find it incredibly helpful anyway.
      2) You can adjust your privacy settings some. I know some folks have it set so you have to be “connected” to see anything other than your “public profile.” And, again, you can customize what information you would like to be in your public profile.

      Have you contacted your local domestic violence agency? They should have a 24 hour hotline, and they should be able to explain your state’s law better. Different states have different criteria for what one needs to prove in order to obtain a restraining order. Stalking and cyberstalking laws can also vary substantially from state to state.

    • Ruby

      I don’t have any solutions. Only want to say how frustrating this is. Today’s data world comes with so much convenience and so much risk. And the companies and culture underplay the risks, to a point where it is impossible to manage them well for those of us with reasons to. It is ‘weird’ if you aren’t on Linked In or have it on lockdown. It isn’t peoples’ business why- but noticeable if you don’t. This sucks. I am thinking a lot about it in the dating context. Ugh, I hate, hate hate giving these apps access to my phone photos, having myself out there, giving guys my real # after we start coordinating knowing they can find my home, and it is very hard to tell who is normal vs not from initial meetings. Again yes there are ways to try to manage it (fake numbers, not being online) but it is too hard to job search and date without this stuff. And the fake measures are difficult to manage. So just sharing and validating that you are in a pickle, and no, it is not at all silly to be focused on this. Good luck and do your best to balance the needs. It is scary. Bad stuff does happen. But you have to market yourself. Tough choices!

      • Blonde Lawyer

        Use google voice for a phone number. I have a google voice number to give clients since my work doesn’t provide a cell phone. If I have a problem with a client I can easily change the number. It also makes it easy to screen calls.

  5. Last Hoorah

    Reposting from this morning’s post in the hopes of more people seeing this:

    This is probably going to be very hard for us to pull off, but my husband and I are considering taking a “babymoon” to the Florida Keys in mid March. I think we probably have to act fast (this weekend) to find places to stay etc. if we actually want to make this happen. Does anyone have any suggestions for places to stay or things to do? Any advice is appreciated!

    • KittyKat

      Go to margaritaville, they can make all the delicious blended drinks pregnancy friendly for you. Also Hemingway house, snuggle all the extra toed cats (they let you pick them up) and look at the cool furniture and architecture. Take a heritage tour too, some fantastic homes plus cool info like lots of the homes on the island are from a Sears catalogue, how crazy! There is a light house there too if you can manage it’s a great climb. I like the old wall and cannons there too. Such a great place

    • Gail the Goldfish

      Why the Keys? If you want to go somewhere to lay on a beach, I don’t recommend the Keys–they don’t actually have that many beaches. Key West is fun, though I have no specific suggestions for lodging. The usual tourist sites are interesting-Hemingway House, Mallory Square, the Butterfly conservatory. I wanted to go out to Dry Tortugas as I’ve heard that’s interesting, but didn’t get the chance. I’ve also stayed in Islamorada, which is in the northern half of the keys and is quieter than Key West.

      • Last Hoorah

        Thank you for the response! We are actually not “beach” people but want to go somewhere where it will be sunny and warm and there are activities. From what I have read, I think Key West would be a good fit for us because the tourist sites sound interesting and neither of us have been there before. I think we would be a little bored in the quieter areas.

        • Gail the Goldfish

          Key West would probably be perfect, in that case. While I can’t recommend a hotel, I can recommend *not* staying at the Blue Parrot Inn, which strangely has good reviews on TripAdvisor. Excellent location, but the doors seemed to block only sight, not sound. You could hear everything outside.

      • MDMom

        We went to the Keys when I was about 12 weeks and had a great time. Rented a convertible and drove to Key West from Ft Lauderdale. Once there, we mostly laid by the pool. We did the trip to Dry Tortugas and it was fantastic. The ferry was not running when we were there so we did the seaplane charter and had the place almost to ourselves. It was expensive but worth it. The seaplane ride itself was awesome. I’d highly recommend splurging on it. Key West is definitely a drinking town so I felt a bit left out in that regard.

    • Anonymous

      DH and I enjoyed our babymoon in Islamorada this fall. It was, however, insanely hot, which wasn’t super fun while pregnant. not sure what March weather is like, though. We were super laid-back– booked a lovely little VRBO, hung out on the property’s dock and lay around reading books in the hammocks, did two days at Bahia Honda beach (incredible, and almost empty), and ate a lot of fresh fish. I wasn’t really up for walking around key west because of the heat (and I was a very active pregnant person– DH was also uninterested), but we had an amazing time. Super relaxing and great bonding time.

    • anon

      If you plan to actually stay in Key West, I’ve stayed at Casa Marina several times. It’s about a mile from the Duvall Street craziness but close enough to pop into downtown. If you’re staying on some of the outlying keys, I would look into VRBO or AirBNB.

    • Carrots

      There’s an excellent crêpe restaurant at Thomas and Petronia called Le Crêperie that I had breakfast at when I was down there this summer. The lighthouse is fun-I have issues with heights but made myself get up there because the view is incredible. Mallory square is awesome but if you want to be able to sit on the ledge make sure to get there early or eat at one of the nearby restaurants. There’s also a trolley tour that’s a get on-off that goes around the island; it may be cheesy and super touristy but it was a nice way to get out of the sun and sit down for a while.

    • Baby doc

      Don’t want to be a Debbie Downer, but I’d encourage you to take a look at some of the CDC travel reports lately re: Zyka virus. Not sure if Key West is included specifically, but they have had reports of cases from travelers from Florida.

      • Last Hoorah

        The three Florida cases that I have seen reported on are individuals who traveled to Latin America from Florida and not individuals who contracted it in Florida. The CDC warnings that I can find are about other countries and not about reports of it being contracted in the US. Please let me know though if I am wrong and you have seen something different. Thank you!

        • Anonymous preggo

          I was actually going to say something similar about Zika risk. Florida (or any of the US) isn’t currently on the CDC risk list, but as things warm up there are decent predictions that it will be. I was also thinking of going to the Keys in my second trimester (March or April), but I’m just scrapping the plan. Right now the places I’m considering are Palm Springs and Charleston, SC. I think both should be pretty safe. I’m not usually paranoid, but the Zika virus risk potential seems very high and not worth messing with for a vacation.

          • Sweetknee

            I am from SC. Send a shout out if you decide on Charleston and I can give you some recommendations

          • NYCpg

            I’m also looking to take a babymoon in March (due in June) and have basically ruled out Florida due to Zika (and ugh, cancelled a work related trip to the Caribbean for next month already).

            Not that this will be warm, but currently thinking about heading somewhere in Canada in late March. If nothing else, it should be very reasonable given the exchange rate!

    • Anon

      Check out the Key Lime Inn. I enjoyed staying there with my SO. Be warned you have to walk by the key lime pie place everytime you go into town!

      March should be lovely. It could be really hot though so be warned and have fun!

    • anon

      Something to consider because you’re pregnant: Zika virus. Maybe DON’T go to the south, like, at all. It’s supposed to kick up in the spring and summer. Please be careful and use a lot of deet!

      Check out the vox article about it–they had some great maps and legit sources.

      • Last Hoorah

        Thanks for the advice but, as you can see above, I have considered this and we are purchasing all refundable tickets, just in case. Thanks!

  6. Anon

    Anyone else psyched about The X-Files revival on Sunday? Can’t wait for some Fox Mulder action.

  7. Money/bonus allocation

    Would love some financial advice from you smart ladies. DH and I have about 70K left in student loans (out of 300K originally), own our home, and have a healthy-ish amount in savings. We need to a buy a new (but a little used) car this spring for impending baby arrival. I am receiving about ~40K in bonus money after taxes. Should we spend ~half of that to buy the car outright, and put the rest towards loans, or put most of it towards loans to really take out a chunk of those, and take on an auto loan for 2oK or so? Interest rate on loans are between 6-7%. In case it matters, we anticipate not having the salary that allows us to save at a fast clip after this year, so the third ultra conservative option is to put more money in savings.

    • KT

      Why do you need a new car for the baby? What’s wrong with your current car? So many people rush out to buy a sedan or SUV or mini-van, but if you have one child, your regular old coupe is just fine, and costs a lot less.

      If you insist however…

      What’s your credit like, and what kind of interest rate could you get on a car? That will inform the decision. If you can get a 1-2% interest rate, finance the car and pay off loans. If it’s 5-7%, buy the car outright.

      • (Former) Clueless Summer

        I got the impression from OP that she didn’t already own a car and wanted to get one for when baby arrives, which seems completely reasonable.

        I echo your advice – you can almost certainly finance a new car at 1% or less, so it may be worth it to go new, finance at a low interest rate and but the rest to loans.

        • KT

          I thought because she was specifying a “new” used car that meant she needed to replace a vehicle…most people who don’t have cars just say “I need to buy a car”, but that was just my assumption.

          • Anonymous

            Not the OP– but, as someone with a corolla & a new baby… I REALLY wish I had a larger car. Once you put the stroller in the trunk, pretty much nothing else fits in the car & babies come with so much stuff!

          • Sarabeth

            Counterpoint – we’ve had a Prius since before our two year-old was born. It’s been plenty of space.

      • Anonymous

        I kept my paid-off car for baby #1 (sedan) but found it to be a little small after 3 months with baby #2 (and then it was a joy, just a joy, to shop for cars). +1 for “new to you” on anything you get.

      • OP

        Thanks! The new car is because the current car is 12 years old, and we would rather buy one now when there is cash flow from the aforementioned high salary job, rather than waiting for it to die when budget is tighter. We’ve also been a one car family for 3 years, but with a recent move to a more suburban area, having 2 cars would be a lot more convenient (until original car poops out, that is – then it will be back to one car for awhile, probably). We have good credit (score ~760).

    • Anonymous

      Not an expert by any means, but the car we just bought is financed for less than 3% interest. I’d pay off the student loans first, since that has the higher percentage.

      • Anonymous

        I got my car for 0% interest. My parents actually offered to buy it for me as a graduation present, and I asked them to give me the $, but it twds my law school loans, and took out the loan for the car.

    • Anonymous

      I second what KT says above, and would add the following:

      I’ll assume for commenting’s sake based on the info given that you have pretty good credit so could qualify for the 1-2% auto loan, and could also qualify for the lowest tier rates offered by private student loan refinancing companies (SoFi, Common Bond, DWB, Earnest, etc).

      I would purchase the car with a small down payment to keep a cushion where the loan balance stays less than the car value so you don’t have to pay for gap insurance. I’d throw the rest at your student loans. I’d then refinance your remaining student loans, unless there is some reason you need to keep federal loans (since you’re paying them off aggressively, it doesn’t sound like you’re counting on forgiveness, but perhaps you still want forbearance/deferment rights?). By refinancing your student loans when they’re down to a 30K balance and getting a ~2% interest rate (do variable), it will reduce your monthly minimum quite a bit. This creates some room in your budget to absorb the new monthly fixed car payment. You can still pay additional on them if you’d like, but at such low interest rates you may prefer to sock any additional monthly cash flow into savings. If you pay down the loans right away, that cash is gone if something else comes up. IMO, it’s more conservative to put it in savings and you have the ability to pay the loans off immediately if the variable rate were to skyrocket, but otherwise have it available if a different type of emergency comes up.

      • Anon

        My previous 2-3% variables (w SoFi) are now 3-4% variable although I’m still very happy with variable.

    • anon

      Agree with all, figure out your car loan percentage first. Then pay whichever is more off first. If it’s close, go car because that is “bad debt” and student loans are not.

      • KT

        ^Good point; and students loans can be deferred but cars get repossessed and your credit ruined.

      • Anon

        How does the down payment on a loan factor into the “interest rate” over the life of the lease.

    • Anonymous

      To the general people asking questions: when we had a baby, one of our cars was a pickup with no extended cab. We did not want baby in a front seat, even without airbags. We also didn’t have a way to transport the baby + the dog and keep them separate (which had to happen because of our dog). We got an SUV with a dog-gate. We did not upgrade our teeny tiny sedan until much later.

      To the OP: you may want to look at all car options; we bought a certified used 2010 SUV in 2013 with a 1% interest rate. In that case, put all the $$ you can at the loans and pay installments on the car. If interest rates are equal (and hopefully they are not…6% is high for auto loans…) then I’d opt to put the $ on the car, since you can defer loans if you had a job loss or the like but not the car. if the car loan is >>> the student loan, then I guess you split the difference, again, job loss protection with the student loans…

    • Anonymous BigLaw Associate

      Echoing others, if your credit is good, you can get a really good rate on a car loan. I got 0.9% about half a year ago. I put nothing down.

    • Bonnie

      If you can, get a home equity line of credit to pay for the car and the loans. If you itemize taxes, you can write off all the interest and put the savings to paying down the loans faster.

  8. Baconpancakes

    For those who are fortunate enough to actually get a day off (OPM booooo), what are you doing with your snow day?

      • lawsuited

        +1 And I live within walking distance to the office, so I NEVER get snow days.

      • cbackson

        Ha, I was just about to post a comment to this effect. And then I looked out the window and it is snowing in Midtown (not cold enough to stick, but it’s pretty!).

    • ITDS

      I came home early and have shopped for extra luxury groceries so that I’ll have wine and charcuterie if the power goes out. laundry is done, a fab navy blue mani is in place and there will be roasted cauliflower Mac and cheese for dinner. And my husband is out of town for the weekend – I am ready to relax!

      • Sydney Bristow

        I’m jealous. I’m working a full day today and this is pretty much the only weekend I have plans. A good friend of mine flew in from out of town so we are going for drinks tonight. I’m so excited to see her but it’s going to be hard to find home for a couple of hours then go back out with the start of the storm looming.

        The rest of this weekend will be spent in sweats binge watching or reading something though. With a couple of exercise and stretching breaks for the Whole Life Challenge.

    • Bonnie

      I’m kind of bitter about having to burn a leave day to take care of the kidlet. If schools are closed, work should be too.

  9. anon for this

    I need hive help. I’ve been dating a guy since August. Our six month anniversary will be Valentine’s Day. He is perfect in every way but one, he doesn’t really ever pursue LGP. Like once a month. I brought it up and he first said it’s more often then conceded that okay it’s because he’s been so stressed out and he hates his job. He is actively searching for something else. He is so attentive to hold hands or kiss me goodbye and hello. I just don’t understand why this one thing is a problem. How long do I wait for him to do something about this before I move on. He’s perfect in every other way. Really. But this is a deal breaker for me. Both because I prefer it more often but also I need to feel desired in that way. I know it’s not fair to compare but I’ve dated tons of guys who hated their jobs and this was never the case… TIA sorry for the TMI but I am LOSING IT and running out of batteries.

    • Senior Attorney

      I think if this has been going on for six months and you’ve talked to him about it, it is vanishingly unlikely that it is going to change. If he wanted to be having sex with you, he would be doing it, stress or no stress, job or no job.

      That said, will he go along if you initiate? If so, are you willing to take the lead?

      • OP

        Well it’s been just over five. It was good for the first month but then it got worse and worse and I thought maybe after the holidays. I’ve only said something to him about it on Sunday. So it’s been less than a week since I brought it up.

      • OP

        Sometimes he will if I lead but not really. He says he’s tired or stressed or both.

        • Senior Attorney

          As has been noted below, people who are tired or stressed still have lots of sex. Gentleman Friend just finished a five-week trial and yes, tired and stressed, but the LGP’s continued unabated.

          • Aunt Jamesina

            Not all people react the same when they’re tired or stressed! That’s the last thing I want to do when I’m worn out.

            OP, I was this way for about a six month period when I had the job and boss from h*ll and too much on my plate. The difference was that we had been together for about three years at that point, so he knew it wasn’t the norm.

            Only you can decide if you’re okay with the situation!

    • VOICE OF EXPERIENCE

      This will not change. There will always be another “reason” why he’s not interested in performing as frequently as you’d prefer (I suspect because it’s not culturally acceptable for dudes to just admit they have a low drive). If this is a dealbreaker for you, you need to break the deal.

      Signed,
      I married him thinking this would improve, and, *spoiler alert*, it is five years later and it has not.

        • VOICE OF EXPERIENCE

          I will say, since you just had the conversation Sunday, if you wanted to give him a BRIEF window of time to see if it improves, that would (at least arguably) be a reasonable thing to do, but if you go that route, make sure you have a firm deadline in mind, and stick to it if things aren’t better by that deadline.

      • Anonymous

        +1 I am the one with the low sex drive in my relationship, BUT since I know it is important to my partner (like you, it is a deal breaker for him) I make it a priority and I initiate even when I am not completely in the mood. Most of the time, I get in the mood once we get started. When we first started dating, we discussed expectations in this area and we decided what was reasonable for both of us. It’s not as much as he ideally wants (multiple times a day), but it’s also not as little if we left it up to me completely. If he knows it’s important to you, but hasn’t made an effort, you are not compatible in this area and you will be unhappy.

        • Anonymous

          We’ve been to couples counseling over this and it sucks. It sucks because then I know he’s only initiating because he’s supposed to and my feels will get hurt if he doesn’t. I want to know I’m wanted and it’s just hard.

      • LAnon

        +1 to the dudes can’t admit to have a low drive

        I dated a guy for a while who gaslighted me into thinking that wanting to have playtime a 3-4 times per week was absolutely crazy, bordering on addiction. It took a while into my next healthy relationship to recover from that.

    • Anon

      Is it possible that he is depressed because of the job? Depression can do a real number on drive, and it may be helpful for him to get some therapy in and possibly also see a psychiatrist if his chemistry is a little off. I am guessing that his frustration with his job may be leaving him feeling a little emasculated or helpless, and getting a mental hold on that, and correcting any chemical imbalances, might actually perk him back into feeling like he can have an active LGP life.

    • Anonymous

      I was just about to post about my husband with whom I’ve been with for 9 years married for 5. This has always been an issue in our relationship. It’s hard because he’s perfect in every other way and always has been but not feeling desired just sucks and it makes me feel like crap. I also feel like I’m vulnerable to cheating because I desire male attention so much. I’ve never cheated and don’t currently feel at risk of cheating but I think it could be an issue in the future. We now have twin babies together and some days I feel stuck, so so stuck. Today is an exceptionally depressing day. He’s not going to change, trust me. If it matters to you today, it will matter to you tomorrow and the day after that. Some days I really with I would’ve listened to my alarm bells years ago. Being in a lonely relationship sucks.

      • Anonymous

        I had a relationship like this once. I totally related to feeling vulnerable to cheating and I did. A man came along that was so attentive and many times would kiss me head to toe without wanting more sometimes. And when the LGP actually happened it was mind blowing and I did not feel guilty because I was starved of attention and care. And boyf at the time didn’t change even when I asked. Come to find out he was cheating the entire relationship.

    • no

      Girl–I don’t think it’s stress. Stressed-out people still have lots of sex. He is making excuses for having a low sex drive. Does he look at p*rn? Have you discussed that? Does he ever talk about what is s*xy to him? Any other clues that he actually likes s*x?

      This is very, very unlikely to change. End it now before you are too deeply in love with him that you ignore it and then end up in a sexless relationship long-term.

    • C

      There is a really interesting spot on this in the most recent podcast, The Art of Charm. The intimacy stuff starts a little way through.

    • cp

      I dated a man for almost two years who just didn’t seem to prefer as often. He ended up eventually breaking up with me because he didn’t love me fully. I would take it as a sign that 1) youre not compatible in this way and 2) he may not be as interested / into you as would be best for a relationship. I should have picked up that it was more maintenance or obliging me rather than passion. My ex was extremely attentive with flowers, affection, planning….but that one piece was never there. I regret not picking up on it and moving on earlier.

  10. ancestry / dna

    Some people were posting this morning about having a known mixed-race heritage. I think that my mother’s side is like that, but no one’s ever said anything. We lived overseas near a country where we have some ancestors (on both sides, actually) and for the first time, my mother blended right in. I’ve been seeing a lot of DNA testing commercials lately that got me to thinking about doing one. I wouldn’t broadcast the results either way (and probably wouldn’t b/c if we’ve been “passing,” that was most definitely deliberate even if the current oldest generation wouldn’t have had a clue). And I know that a test isn’t proof of anything (and with countries and borders, who knows if ancestors are Russian one generation but not the next), but I think I just really want confirmation on my hunch.

    • anon

      I think the results show a region though. I want to do one too! It tells you genetic testing stuff too that you would need to know if you were to ever have kids. And you get to spit in a jar and mail it to someone. Which I don’t know why I think is so funny but I do.

    • anon

      Also, the more family members that do it, the more they can tell you for sure.

    • Anonymous

      I’m kind of excited! I used to think that “French” = Parisian. Turns out that French = Algerian / north African + French from Grenoble. No Paris at all, but this made me very curious about France and its history and regions.

    • Used 23 and Me

      I got a free membership as part of a medical study to 23 and me. I find it interesting but didn’t learn enough that would make it worth me paying for it. But, in your situation, it could be worth it. I’m as white as they come and mostly Irish but it was interesting to learn that I’m 1.2% West African. What was odd is I’ve been told my whole life that we were also Native American and that my great great grandfather was in a tribe and my great grandfather (who I met) would go to retreats and stuff. My test came back 0% Native American.

      • also used 23andMe

        I also used 23andMe for this, which I got as a gift. Was interesting and accurate for me, but my heritage was pretty well known.

        In retrospect, I would pay for it. I have actually found some of the medical/trait genetic info more interesting than my ancestry stuff.

        • Anonymous

          Interesting — would you do this or the Ancestry one?

          I have loved the Henry Louis Gates series on PBS.

          • also used 23andMe

            I’d do the 23andMe one, rather than Ancestry, since I also found the other medical/trait stuff interesting. You can’t get that with Ancestry.

            I also like the philosophy of the company 23andMe. They do research in collaboration with Universities like Stanford and publish serious papers in scientific journals. I work in biomedical science, and understand very well that collaborations between the government (NIH)/academia (Universities)/companies (biotech) are very important – they are the future and make sense financially.

            Sorry for the tangent… but it’s interesting to me.

      • Anonymous

        I wonder if that is just a holdover from the era where one’s life goes radically different based on various one-drop rules? I think that if you lived at all in a port city (or were in an army or an army went through your area), it was all fair game even a long time ago. I read somewhere that Genghis Khan (Kahn?)-type genes make him / his army forefathers of a lot of Eurasia. And Hannibal (the one with the elephants, not with the facemask). And the whole Mediterranean.

        It’s 2016 — I am sure these would all be welcome / interesting. But I’m typing from a house that I wouldn’t have been allowed to own 100 years ago b/c the original deed requires me to sell it to someone who is Caucasian (and I don’t think that they meant from the mountain range). I can see why people were vague-ish or just let details be forgotten.

      • Bonnie

        I used 23 and found out some interesting things about my ancestry. Really glad I did it.

  11. Is this normal?

    DH has 3 brothers, all around our age. None of them speak to me unless at a holiday event and then its small talk, a few laughs here and there. We never talk on a regular basis, they don’t text, email, etc me, they talk to DH frequently but nothing to me. Initially joining the family I tried to pursue having friendly relationships with them, not much reciprocity. I do not believe theres an issue due to the fact during our wedding and each time around then they were nice, and never had word get back to me they had issues with me, none of them are married btw. but from their social media they have very active social lives and well paying jobs- yet we do not have a relationship. this concerns me, is this normal?

    • Senior Attorney

      I think it’s super normal. In fact, I’d find it a tiny bit odd for you to be regularly talking/emailing/texting with your brothers-in-law outside of family gatherings. That’s not what dudes do.

      • Anon

        +1. I think i have very good relationships with my husband’s two brothers, but we rarely talk on the phone or text, and there’s typically an objective when we do (as in, i’ll call one to say congrats on the new job!, as opposed to just hey whats up).

      • Anonymous

        I didn’t see it as odd because I should’ve mentioned I have two brothers in the same age and we check in and talk regularly. which is why i was asking if it was odd not to talk to in law brothers regularly..

          • Anon

            Yep. I’m the Anon with good relationships with her two BILs but rarely has one-on-one calls or texts. I have two brothers of my own, and we talk and text frequently.

    • (Former) Clueless Summer

      Totally normal. I love my DH’s family but we don’t interact off duty…even the women. I do have a relationship with his mom but not with his siblings independent of him. I know they like me and I really like them, ages are similar, etc. (although we do live across the country) but we’ve never moved past superficial/situational interactions and I’m ok with that.

    • Gail the Goldfish

      Yea, this doesn’t seem weird to me. I don’t even talk to my own brother other than holidays, basically, much less my significant other’s sibling. It’s not that we don’t like each other. We just aren’t big talkers by nature and don’t have much in common.

      • Anonymous

        +1 – *I* am the one with 3 brothers and barely talk to any of them, unless I’m actually looking at them in person or I have a specific question for them.

        Also have SIL (who lives out of state) that I don’t talk-to-chat with.

    • mascot

      Sounds normal to me. My husband rarely talks to my sibling outside of family events or some really specific question related to my husband’s industry. They like each other fine but they don’t have much in common. I have other friends who are closer to their siblings in law. To each their own.

    • KT

      I…think that’s how it usually is? I like my husband’s brother and we’re friendly at family gatherings, but I can’t imagine calling or emailing him just because. That would just seem weird to me, but that’s just me! Different families have different norms.

    • Anonymous

      I think it’s the new normal.

      For my parents, my mother is super-close to all her in-laws (dad is not a talker). We had ONE phone though, so if you call the house, Mom picked up and Mom kept up all of the ties (with the spouse who answers and the spouse who is the sibling).

      For my two SILs, they’ve always called my husband on his cell (he has a long commute and that is when they visit a lot), even if he is at home. Just habit. My MIL calls the house (so I usually am the one picking up). My parents call the house (so sometimes talk to my husband), as does my sister.

      I think it’s a cell-phone-centric era thing. You can change that by reaching out, but I think that’s a bit easier b/w women (my BIL was never a talker; it’s “let me find your sister” and the handoff). Can you be FB / instagram friends as way to help break the ice or otherwise take the initiative?

    • anon

      I would feel like it’s not normal because my 3 siblings and I are very close despite being 4-5 years apart each. But it sounds like it’s normal. None of us are married or even dating really. My mom is very close to her siblings (they take trips together) and my dad doesn’t ever speak to them except every couple of years.

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      Maybe I’m biased because you’ve described both my relationships with my siblings-in-law, and my H’s relationship with my own brother, but I think “friendly, but not friends” is a completely normal way of engaging with your spouse’s family. In our cases, at least, we just plain don’t have that much in common with each others’ siblings – we all like each other and have fun when we spend time together, but there’s not much there to form the basis of independent friendships, you know? To me, this isn’t all that different than dealing with, say, co-workers, or other parents on your kid’s soccer team, or something – you’re a bunch of adults who have been thrown together by circumstances, who may or may not have enough in common to lead to the formation of a genuine friendship independent of the circumstantial relationship. As long as you’re all friendly with each other, the shared activity (work, soccer, family gatherings) goes smoothly, which is all anyone can reasonably ask for.

    • Wildkitten

      We have a group text and the BILs participate in that. Sometimes they email. They never talk on the phone.

    • Anonymous

      Normal. My brother and my husband never talk. I am not good friends with my brother’s wife, although since she is a better communicator I do a lot of my information-relaying to my brother through her.

      My sister’s husband and my husband, however, are BFFs despite living 1200 miles apart- they have a lot of the same hobbies (mechanical stuff/car restoration/woodworking etc) and swap photos/stories/ideas about current projects. They also on occasion bond over my mother (their MIL)’s insanity, but it is much, much more due to a shared set of hobbies that bore most other people.

    • Anonymous

      It’s normal. If they didn’t get along or chat with you in person when you were all together it would be weird, but otherwise they’re not going to text you like they’re your bff.

    • Baconpancakes

      My SO’s family is pretty close (he’d doesn’t think they’re particularly close – but they get together for vacations 3-4 times a year in addition to holidays and they live on opposite sides of the country), and I’m pretty lucky in that his sister and I get along great when we see each other. We are Facebook friends, follow and like on Instagram, and I don’t feel awkward texting her if I have a reason, but we don’t call to say “hey.” Maybe it would change over the course of a decade?

    • Boston Legal Eagle

      Echoing the crowd here – I don’t talk to my SO’s brothers unless it’s a holiday/we happen to be visiting them. SO barely talks to them outside of that too. Same for my relationship with my in-laws, although I think his mom would prefer to be closer to me, whereas I don’t. Are you from a family where extended families being close are the norm? That might make a difference.

      • Is this normal?

        Yes – my family is very close, thats our norm.

        So it feels weird that we don’t have a relationship

    • Cat

      Adding to the “normal” chorus here. I sometimes grab the phone for a few minutes when DH’s brother calls DH’s cell phone (we don’t have a house phone) to chat for a few minutes after DH and his brother are done with their conversation, but that’s perhaps 1x a month or less. Similarly, my own brother and DH don’t talk on their own at all really — it’s always with or through me.

    • Anonymous

      I don’t even have my brother-in-law’s phone number and I’d say we’re on great terms. That being said, I talk to his wife a couple of times a week. Are any of them married? Maybe you could pursue a relationship with their wives?

    • SwElle

      Normal to be close, normal to be friendly but not close
      In my experience, those who are close with in laws tend to be the ones who grew up with each other (high school sweethearts, for instance). Some who live in the same area get together frequently and so are close. As another mentioned, I think largely due to feel cell phones and people moving more away from family, it’s normal to be friendly but not close, chatting friends.
      For whatever it’s worth, my BIL and I are friendly but not close. We’ve never lived in the same state, which I think affects it a lot. We have family text and will Facebook message on occasion when something pops up, but not that much. I hope to get closer in the future, but we’ll see.

    • Cb

      That’s super normal. I occasionally text with my MIL but don’t talk to SIL or BIL unless we’re at the same event and even then, it’s a bit of a struggle. I do talk to my husband’s cousin loads though but we’re close in age and they come to visit quite frequently.

    • Bensonrabble

      I know I am late to the game but I find it surprising that the majority seem to think holiday-only communications is normal. I would be hurt if I didn’t know such a large part of my sister’s life. And maybe you don’t need to really be close to in-laws now but eventually you will be relying on each other during the stressful times of a parent’s decline. Then having a solid relationship would help everyone. I guess different strokes as they say.

  12. Bad Dreams

    Married but sometimes my ex-fiance that abused me for four years appears in my dreams very often. Very scary, and am in therapy twice a month, and haven’t spoken to him in 5 years so this is very weird… has or does this happen to any of you?

    • Anonymous

      I’m sorry you went through such a bad experience. I’m glad you are in a better place.

      I often have dreams with my (non-abusive) ex where I’m confronting him or his now fiance (the girl I was ALWAYS concerned about during our relationship). Sometimes just she is in the dream.

      It’s always a bit disconcerting and I have anxiety when I wake up. I think it’s part of the process of moving past it? What has your therapist said? (I haven’t been in therapy for a little over a year now)

      • bad Dreams

        She hasn’t (yet) explained why this is… it may be due to the fact that when we broke up – there wasn’t much closure. He proposed and I turned him down because it was only a last ditch attempt to be together, for the four years he abused me sexually, emotionally and physically, I’m sorry if this sounds dark

        • bad Dreams

          got cut off, but sorry if this sounds dark, but most of the dreams we are being intimate. I am so baffled by it. my next therapy session isn’t for another two weeks. therapy is very expensive so I’m only on a twice a month schedule for now.

    • Anonymous

      I think this is not unexpected but depending on how long you have been in therapy, consider a new therapist or discuss new approaches with your current therapist if you find that things do not improve.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Don’t know if this helps but it looks like you are seeking anecdata on what is normal. People from my past appear in my dreams all of the time, including one long term ex. These are people I haven’t seen or spoke to in years but they are in my dreams as if I saw them yesterday. They are people I have positive associations with generally so for me it has nothing to do with trauma, just people my brain remembers and decides to throw into the mix to keep things interesting.

    • Anony

      I have dreams every so often about getting back together with my abusive ex. Dream me usually caves/wants to but then gets concerned about the abuse and other people in my life.
      It disturbs me every time, but I also know in reality, if I ever saw him again, I have no actual want of even associating with him, let alone getting close again. I think it’s more when I am feeling lonely or depressed, so likely because my mind is dealing with wanting someone.

      • bad Dreams

        Same here… Dream me takes him back and ends up sleeping with him. I feel horrible for those thoughts and many times in the dream I enjoy it. Have to add he was incredibly dark, tall and handsome. Could this be why??? He was a bad man and many times the s*xual aspect of our relationship was actually very abusive but I can’t stop dreaming about it. In real life I hate him and never reach out or speak to him.

        • Anony

          I feel similarly. I think it’s something that comes up mentally when I’m lonely or down and have reached the point of recognizing it, getting irritated/disconcerted, and then moving on pretty quickly. However, it happened quite a few times before I felt that way.
          I wish I could be more help, but you’re not alone (similar timeline, actually), at least?

          • Anonymous

            Yes true… I’m glad I’m not 100% alone. I just feel stupid because I loathe him… Yet this is happening. I’m an idiot.

          • Blonde Lawyer

            You are not an idiot. You don’t control your dreams. Dreams are just dreams. I’m not trying to minimize your experience I’m just telling you to not blame yourself for dreaming about someone/something. It doesn’t mean you want those things to happen.

          • Anon

            I have it too. Person well over 10 years ago now. Wasn’t absusive but wasn’t good. So many dreams. it is annoying! I mean the dreams range from good to frustrating but I wish they would stop but they don’t. Sigh! It is what it is. I’m not on a therapy quest to sort it. Brain just likes him making appearances. Try not to worry about it too much I know it is hard though esp an abusive one.

  13. (Former) Clueless Summer

    Maybe a little early as we’re not out of winter yet, but what casual shoes/sneakers do you guys wear for weekend/super casual wear? I have worn to death a pair of neon Sperry’s – since neon is now out and the shoes themselves are pretty dead, I’m looking for a new pair. I’ve been looking at sneakers like the ones posted on this thread (or the New Balance for J. Crew ones) as well as Vans-style shoes. Any thoughts about what is most stylish and versatile? I’m likely to wear them with skinny jeans, leggings and shorts in the summer

  14. Anon

    Kat, can I just say how much I hate the news feed “From Sites We Love” below your article but above the comments?

    Today: Glitter armpits??? Really? It looks like the model has underarm hair and glitter. Is that a thing? I’m always afraid to click on any of those links, FYI, because they often look NSFW.

  15. Anonymous

    I have a high stress, but very rewarding job at a nonprofit. I’m really good at it. But, it is exhausting! I’m an introvert, but my role requires me to be talking with people all day long. The thing is, while I’m there, it is engaging, I’m rocking it, I’m invested in it, I get paid decently. But as soon as I get home I’m so tired all I can do is watch crappy TV. My SO said yesterday he misses me and is worried about me. I want to do more in my life than just work, but also feel like backing out of this role is a signal that I’m a failure, or can’t hack it. I feel like I’ve worked so hard to be in a role like this, and I don’t want to give it up because I’m good at it and enjoying it more than any job I’ve ever had. But I don’t want to lose the rest of my life either. Any tips for helping to get over that feeling that if I back down a bit, maybe don’t push as hard every single day, that I’m giving up or not being successful?

    • Ellen

      Yay! Open Thread’s! I love Open Thread’s!

      I need new ASICs sneaker’s b/c someone spilled something smelley and stickey in mine when I was takeing a shower at the health club on LI last week. FOOEY! I left them there b/c I did NOT want to carry them home or clean them. DOUBEL FOOEY!

      As for the OP, I think you should chill out–job’s are important but so is a personal life with an SO which I do NOT have. FOOEY! There is an OP up top who’s boyfreind does NOT want to do any kind of LGPs with her. I say her solution is to make sure she is METICULUSLY clean downstair’s so that he should NOT be afraid to pull his own pant’s down. But most men are the oposite. Just like Sheketovits, those guy’s INSIST on sex right away. DOUBEL FOOEY! I just saw a movie called TEETH which I recomend to the hive, where a woman get’s back at men who violated her. I won’t SPOIL the plot, but it is VERY exciting.

      Anyway, I am leaveing work early so that I can prepare for the storm with Myrna. YAY!!!!!

    • Anonymous

      Maybe focus on finding an activity that will be relaxing for you but allow you to spend time with your SO. Does your SO like movies? Instead of watching tv by yourself, could he pick a movie that you could watch together? Minimal talking/engagement but you’re still together. I would suggest he pick only comedies so you don’t end up watching anything too serious or requiring too much thought.

      Are there any other activities you both enjoy together but don’t require too much engagement with each other?

      Also, maybe try a 1/2 hour of yoga when you get home – I find that helps me unwind and puts me in a better headspace.

      You don’t have to give up your job – you just need to figure out a better worklife balance.

    • Baconpancakes

      Two things:

      1) figure out how to create a “cool-down” time in your day immediately after work that will be a time to be in your own head and help recharge your batteries. Good ideas are yoga or the gym or even just a quiet commute (walking is good, public transit is ok, driving probably won’t fulfill the need) when you stop to do grocery shopping or have a quiet tea or coffee or something where you don’t really have to talk to anyone, just be in your own head. Collapsing on the couch and watching TV is not actually a positive recharge of your introvert batteries. I really loved Audible for letting me escape into the fiction world while I was on my commute.

      2) I also had an emotionally draining job that required me to be “on” all the time, and I rocked it – after a really rocky start of some bathroom crying days. There was huge turnover in the lower ranks at that place, but I didn’t want to feel like I had “given up” by quitting. I told myself that if I could do that job, I could do anything, and after I felt like I was really at the top of the game at that job, the clouds parted, the angels sang, and I figured out the career path I actually wanted to pursue, and since I felt like I wasn’t giving up, I jumped on the chance.

      I completely understand the feeling of not wanting to give up in a hard but successful job situation, but remember – you’re free to leave once you feel like you’ve got your fill, and no one will think less of you.

      • Anonymous

        Re 1 – wait, what? There’s a “right” way to be an introvert now? How do you know your recharge routine is more valid than OP’s?

        I agree that maybe the OP should consider creating a different recharge habit that has an endpoint so it doesn’t take the entire evening, but I really bristle at the implication that there is a “right” and “wrong” way for someone to be an introvert. Productive vs non-productive, sure – but if I want to non-productively recharge my batteries by watching TV, that’s not wrong – I’m still re-charging my batteries, I’m just not doing anything productive while I’m doing it. And sometimes that is fine.

        If this introvert (meaning me) had a trying day, the last thing I’d want to do is run more errands like grocery shopping or stop at the gym. I want to fricking go home and be in my own space instead of wasting time doing other crap that can wait. That’s how I re-charge – by being in my own space.

        And I don’t see how escaping into the fiction of an audio book is that different from escaping into the fiction of TV show.

        Apparently, that comment made me very grumpy.

        • Baconpancakes

          Um, yikes, ok. I didn’t pass any “right” or “wrong” judgement about any recharge strategies, but the OP’s strategy clearly isn’t working for her. It’s pretty widely accepted that watching TV isn’t going to lead to more energy due to its passive consumption format. Reading a book or listening to audiobooks, podcasts, or other auditory input engages more levels of brain activity, so it’s better for giving you a chance to be alone and in your own head and recover from the day, while keeping you alert enough that you to have enough energy to actually interact with your boyfriend, which is what the OP is looking for. If you don’t need that, you do you – watch TV as your alone time thing. Sometimes completely cloistering is great – I totally get that. But as an every day routine it, it doesn’t work for me, and it doesn’t seem to be working for the OP.

          • Ruby

            I’ve been in the ‘all I can do is watch tv and collapse’ mode and it isn’t the same mode as ‘i can motivate to go to yoga class’.. it can really be that you can not do anything else especially anything that takes being ‘on.’ it’s okay to have those times, OP, and ok to make changes later.

          • Anonymous

            Thanks Ruby! I’ve been really beating myself up for being lazy since I can’t make it to the gym, yoga, the garden, or heck, even the grocery store. I do need and want to be able to do these things though, so will need to figure out a way to balance the needs in my life. How did you get out of the “all I can do is watch tv and collapse” mode?

    • banana

      How long have you been doing it? It took me 6 months to adjust to my latest new role – there were a lot of 9pm bedtimes until I hit my groove.

    • KinCA

      I’m an introvert in a rewarding yet challenging, high-stress client-facing role. Moving into an office with a door that I can close has helped immensely.. I also find that working out regularly makes a big different in my energy levels and since it’s a solo activity for me, I get both the benefits of an energy boost and I feel recharged because I was ‘alone’.

      Also, my husband and I have developed a mutual rule that beyond an introductory hello/kiss, we literally do not speak to each other for the first 15-20 minutes we both walk in the door after work. We both really need that time to decompress and transition from our “work selves” to our “home selves”. As long as I have some time (15-20 minutes) to unwind initially after leaving work, I find that I can do more socially that evening.

      If you do want to get out and do more after work, I find making plans with one person a lot more manageable than interacting with a big group of people. I strongly prefer one on one interactions, so it takes a lot less energy for me to go out to dinner with my husband or meet a close friend for drinks after work than it does to go to a big networking happy hour or friend’s party.

      Lastly, balance and accepting myself is key. I’ve accepted that I will never be the kind of of person who willingly volunteers for social activities or events 5 nights a week. But two or three nights? I can manage that, provided I have a night or two “off” to myself. I look forward to and enjoy the events on my calendar, provided I also have downtime carved out on another night or weekend.

      • Anonymous

        Thanks all for the kind and thoughtful options. I also have a shared office in a busy and loud setting (music blaring, the public coming in all the time, etc. Maybe I am just over stimulated. Even yoga or the gym feels like too much these days – after getting home at 8pm I just want to be at home and alone!

        • Anonymous

          I’m the Anon who suggested yoga above. To clarify, I think a yoga video at home – something chill not super fitness focused- there are tons in YouTube – would be good, didn’t mean to suggest a yoga class.

  16. M

    I could use some help. I’ve been sucking at my job lately – I know it, and my boss knows it. It’s mostly a motivation/organization thing- I just dont have any drive to be responsive or take initiative – and then it snowballs into being worse and worse when I’m not responsive immediately, I get more reluctant to do the work. I’d been tagged as a rising star earlier this year, and so it’s particularly frustrating both for me and for my boss to have me not performing. Have you ever gotten over this feeling of burnout?

    • Senior Attorney

      You just have to do it. That’s what work is — you do it because that’s your job. You need to get a grip on this before it becomes irretrievable.

      One of the things that has helped me when I’m having a hard time getting started is to give myself permission to do X thing badly. E.g., start writing that brief I’ve been procrastinating about, and give myself permission to write a sucky first draft. And then, lo and behold, the first draft turns out to be not so sucky after all, and I’m over the hump and off I go.

    • profmama

      Have you tried Pomodoro units? It’s a whole system you can google and read about, but basically you do one task for 20 mins., no breaks, no social media, and then take an actual 5-10 min. break, get up, walk around, get tea, rinse and repeat. When I’m having a hard time getting into a task it can help to start slowly in this way.

      Also, maybe you are truly burnt out and need some real time off. I was feeling this way before winter break, and having few real days off – completely OFF – and getting out in nature, has made a huge difference to my productivity and attitude.

      Vitamin deficiencies – for me it’s B – and winter lack of light/ seasonal affective disorder can also contribute. If you’re far north, maybe get one of those SAD lights, and take a multivitamin.

    • Anony

      Try taking your lunch or short breaks in the day to walk outside and stay away from office thoughts/work/emails. That’s helped me.

  17. Ciao, pues

    I’m a candidate for a job I have decided I’ll decline if they offer it to me. I suspect I will be invited for a second interview. Should I pre-emptively decline (before being invited for a second interview), or wait to be invited to a second interview and then decline? I’d like to maintain a good relationship with the organization and would consider working for them in the future, just not a good fit on this job.

    • NYC tech

      I’d go ahead and withdraw from the process immediately. Do it politely and professionally, and give a plausible answer that doesn’t put their organization in a bad light. Maybe something along the lines of “At the moment, I’m looking to work more in area X, but would love to stay in touch about future opportunities.”

    • Anony

      I normally say tell them and don’t waste their time, but I wouldn’t here. If they offer you a second interview, then politely decline and say something like NYC tech suggests. If they aren’t offering you an interview, they won’t find out and so there’s no chance they’ll think you already wasted time. If you apply in the future, they’ll think you really want the organization and you can explain more then.
      I think either way works, but I’d wait, personally.

  18. BB

    LOVE Onitsuka Tigers! I just bought myself a pair a few weeks ago, but I gotta say, if you’re going to do it, you should go for it and do some fun colors! I got a bright blue with white stripes.

    • Spirograph

      +1. I’m on my second pair…the first lasted a good 5+ years. Love them!

  19. Jelly

    Happy Friday!

    Does anyone here have experience with elongated ear pierce holes? Mine have been dragged down from heavy earrings, leaving earrings in too long, and, according to my derm, being pierced a tad low in the first place. He insists there’s “plenty of tissue left” and that I should just wear the earrings of my choice and I am not a candidate for “surgery” where they cut and stitch the hole.

    I’ve heard there are some sticky things you can put on the back of the ear to wear with earrings that helps keep the earring from sliding down. Does anyone have any recs for these? Any other suggestions for fixing this problem or preventing it from getting worse? I feel like every earring I wear is making it worse and I fear that super small studs will go back through the hole. Thanks!

    • Maudie Atkinson

      I have plans to have this procedure done soon and would be happy to report back. My first piece of advice would be to talk to someone other than your dermatologist about whether you’re a good candidate for the procedure. I’m going to a facial plastic surgeon, and obviously it’s a little more expensive, but worth it to me.
      Also, I have a friend who used the sticky things you speak of. They didn’t work well for me because (1) my earlobes are so tiny I had to trim them to make them fit on the back and (2) my holes are so stretched that some of the earrings I wanted to wear (tiny pearl or gemstone studs, for example) are smaller than the hole itself. And this was all just from regular, not heavy or thickly gauged, earrings. If you lack flesh in your earlobes they’re likely very prone to tearing.

    • In the Pink

      I do use the bling guards when I’m wearing heavy earrings. You might try them anyway.

  20. Anon

    Question for the curly girls.

    My daughter has a head full of curls – lots of hair and about lower back length when dry (below waist length wet).

    She goes through a bottle of conditioner per week and shampoo lasts 1-2 weeks. (I know, less washing is supposed to be better for curls but she’s a student athlete and smells like a wet dog if she doesn’t shampoo)

    I go through a bottle of shampoo in 3 or more months.

    Is this a normal amount of shampoo and conditioner for a curly head of hair?

    If it matters, her curls are ringlets – somewhere between a 3a and 3b – and her hair is dry. She has been using L’Oreal Ever Curl sulfate free products, but is always wanting to try fancier stuff, which I have totally balked at given her current consumption levels.

    • Monday

      I also have dry hair and get it sweaty constantly, so similar needs.

      To cut down on the amount she needs, I’d recommend she use a hydrating “hair mask” in the shower in lieu of conditioner. The mask should be left on for several minutes at least, so I put mine on as early as possible and leave it on until I’m about to get out of the shower. I’ve found that far less of the mask is needed per use than conditioner. L’Oreal does make a decent one in that same line she’s using now, and I think it’s about $8.

      I find shampoo is more effective if I switch off between two over time. 2-4 washes of Shampoo A alternated with 2-4 washes using Shampoo B. She may be using so much because it takes more than one round to get her hair truly clean–that’s what happens to me if I don’t switch formulas regularly.

    • Anonymous

      I only have wavy hair so I don’t know if there’s a specific reason that curly hair would need sulfate free–but I’ll say that I burned through shampoo like crazy when I was using sulfate free. It didn’t lather at all and my hair is really thick, so I needed tons just to get shampoo-contact with the crown of my head. And even then my roots always felt dirty, so I had to wash more often. The price per bottle was quite a bit cheaper than what I use now, but it ended up costing me more because I needed so much.

      I’m a distance runner in a very hot climate and I’m able to go several days without washing now that I’ve found shampoo that actually gets my hair clean. Maybe worth seeing if there is a shampoo that will lather better in her hair so she uses less, and while this sounds silly, she may also just need a quick lesson in shampoo technique from her hairdresser.

    • Anon

      I have long curly hair (maybe a bit shorter than your daughters) and used to wash my hair every day and still went through a bottle of shampoo maybe every 2 months and conditioner would usually last me 4-6 months. Sulfate causes shampoo to lather, which might be the problem. I tried to use sulfate free shampoo and ended up using a ton because it wouldn’t lather (and subsequently didn’t spread over my hair/scalp) and I never felt like my hair was clean.

    • Anonymous

      thats a lot of shampoo! Even though her hair is curly, is it actually thick? Like are the strands thick and heavy? If she has curly (but fine) hair, she doesn’t need that much shampoo. Also keep in mind that shampoo is more for cleaning the scalp. Th ends of her hair won’t get that dirty on a day to day basis. She should use enough to scrub her whole scalp and then move the lather down her hair towards the end. So what I’m saying in a long-winded fashion is that it sounds like she’s using way too much shampoo. And yes, I wouldn’t let her get the expensive stuff.

    • lsw

      Not sure if this would work for a teenager since they produce more oil, but she could also consider using some oils in her hair. This helped me greatly cut down the amount of conditioner I use. I have used a few drops of a liquid oil and I have used coconut oil. Also, I sometimes leave in a pump of conditioner (even if it’s not leave-in conditioner). And, depending on the type of heat you have at home, would sleeping with a humidifier help in general to keep her hair less dry?

    • PatsyStone

      Seems like a crazy amount of shampoo, I am also a 3a/b. I use DevaCurl No Poo about twice a week, and just wash with conditioner all other days. As in, (1) wash my hair/scalp with conditioner (I use tresemme naturals- cheap and I go through a ton), then after rinsing (2) apply more conditioner and let it sit through the rest of the shower. I’d say I go through a bottle of the conditioner every two weeks, the shampoo every two months (which is how I justify the spendy No Poo). Too much shampooing leads to needing more conditioner, in my experience.

      I would highly recommend seeking out a Deva stylist in your area. There is a lot of teaching involved in the appointments, and they could probably recommend a workable system for her hair, especially with that length. The curly salon I go to never pressures you to purchase products and is all about teaching you to make your specific head of curls rock. I know I actually save money now that I’ve had an expert help me find the right formula for my hair. That and I would never listen to my mom about anything related to my hair, but I follow the directions of my super-cool stylist like scripture.

    • Anonymous

      I also work out a lot, I rinse in shower but only shampoo once a week. I leave the conditioner in for my curls. Any conditioner — the one from the gym, the one from the hotel, whatever. Then I brush my hair once wet and let it dry naturally. If I have to blow dry, I use diffuser. All this helps with curly hair a lot. Expensive products have not made a difference for me.

    • Meg Murry

      Here’s the TL:DR version: get some pump dispensers (like for hand soap) so she pumps out what she needs instead of squirting it in her hands, cut the bottles open and use a spatula to scrape the last of it out of the bottle, and encourage her to use a wide tooth comb in the shower to detangle, not just rely on the conditioner to do it. Also check to see if she is using the conditioner to shave with, and if so buy her some cheap conditioner or actual shaving cream for that.

      Long version:
      Not sure about curly girls specifically, but I recently got a different style of L’Oreal EverPure sulfate free shampoos and conditioners, and they look like they come in the same type of bottle. Because of the way the bottle is shaped, the first I used it, wayyy too much squirted into my hand and fell through my fingers and a big blob landed on the shower floor. I think it’s a combo of the way the bottle is shaped (with the cap on the bottom) and the hole for shampoo/conditioner to come out being way too big. It is probably fine once the bottle is half used, but it’s super easy to be wasteful with a full bottle.

      I also used to go through a lot of conditioner (especially when purchased by my parents), and when I got a more expensive salon brand it came with pump dispensers – which is great because it doesn’t pour a ton out at once. Now I put all my shampoos and conditioners into travel sized pump dispensers and I use soooo much less. You can also cut open the shampoo and conditioner bottles and use a small kitchen spatula to scrape them out – the EverPure formulas are super thick, so there is probably quite a bit left behind in the bottle even once it stops coming out easily. I also find that putting in a little conditioner, then using a wide tooth comb to detangle when the conditioner is still it helps me use less conditioner.

      Also, since you mention she’s a student athlete, any chance she’s sharing with her friends in the locker room and you are subsidizing shampoo for the flaky half that always forget theirs of the [insert sport here] team?

      However, I imagine waist length curls would use a lot of product – after all, that’s probably 4X-8X the amount of hair I have.

    • Anonymous

      Yes, that seems excessive, at least for the shampoo. I have dry, curly, collar bone length hair and shampoo lasts me months, conditioner 1-2 months. If she’s using that much shampoo she’s probably drying out her hair and using even more conditioner to compensate. I use a large coin sized amount of shampoo – concentrate on vigorously massaging it into the scalp and roots and then comb through to the ends with fingers or a wide-toothed comb. With as much hair as your daughter has I imagine she might need a second amount halfway down the hair shaft – but probably only once a week or so.

      I only shampoo after I sweat significantly, otherwise I just “wash” with conditioner. I also use a leave in conditioner or argan oil post-shower (in addition to a big dollop of conditioner in the shower) – that might reduce some of your daughter’s conditioner use, and those products last longer. I use the same amount of shampoo and conditioner since switching to sulfate free products.

      I have to say, I’m kind of shocked by some of the comments above saying that they only go through a couple bottles of conditioner a year on curly hair. My hair would be like hay if I used that little.

    • curls

      She is using way too much conditioner. I have curls, as do my kids. She only needs a small amount. With hair her length, no more than a dime-sized portion.

      • Jordan

        I disagree, depending on length I use a golf ball to full palm of conditioner to detangle. And I start with a dime but it’s a detangling issue for me. Especially post workout.

      • MJ

        Wait, what? No way. I have dry curly ringlets and while I use one giant bottle of Pureology shampoo a year, I go through conditioner like it’s going out of style, partly because I leave some in or else my ringlets are a frizzy mess. I also would suggest she use mousse, not gel, as gel is very drying. And even if she is working out a ton (I was a 3-sport athlete in HS + club sports too) she still doesn’t need much shampoo.

        Also, I don’t find the EverPure (or variants) very good for curly hair. I recommend Herbal Essences (turquoise bottle). She essentially needs conditioner for dry/colored hair. EverPure is expensive and not terribly moisturizing, in my experience. I would suggest UseMe (via Amazon), Dove, Nexxus Humectress or Tressemme.

    • Anony

      I have long, thick, curly hair. My hair used to be longer than you describe. I’ve never used even close to that much shampoo or conditioner.
      Keep in mind that she really doesn’t need to shampoo the bottom much, if at all. Likewise, especially if she has a lot of grease and sweat, condition more at the bottom and very little, if any, at the top. Of course, I don’t have dry hair so I don’t know if that changes anything.

    • OP Mom of curly

      Thanks all for your comments!

      To answer some questions you all asked – she doesn’t have coarse hair. Her hair is very fine, but she has many, many strands of hair. She can’t get a regular elastic around her hair without breaking it most of the time. Her hair is red so I know that tends to be the driest, finest type of hair.

      Some of your comments about sulfate free shampoos kind of flipped a switch for me. We switched to sulfate free when we were trying out to figure what was giving her hives (pediatrician calls them idiopathic and says not to worry too much, but they were uncomfortable for her). Since switching to sulfate free she hasn’t had an episode. So we’re sticking with it, but you are right that it doesn’t lather as much. Perhaps she’s using too much because she’s expecting it to lather.

      I actually took her to a curly hair specialist stylist and she HATED the cut she got. The stylist “shaped” her hair, and tried to sort of layer it (wrong word) to reduce the volume. It looked sort of matronly, which is not how a high school freshman wants to look, to say the least, so she hasn’t let anyone come near it with scissors for close to a year. The same stylist also recommended washing with conditioner only but we still had the “wet dog” issue with that treatment.

      Anyway I think you are right about the lack of lather leading to overuse of shampoo and I will talk to her about using a quarter sized amount. As for conditioner – I have no idea! I will talk to her about putting the tubes of product on their side so that too much does not flow out. Thanks and keep the suggestions coming! I’m reading them all (and thanks for validating me on the consumption issue, I thought maybe I just didn’t understand curly hair.)

      • Anonymous

        If you’re still reading, I have exactly your daughter’s hair, and that’s a ton of shampoo! Like others have said, just a dime of shampoo is necessary to clean the scalp. And I’ve found the more often I shampoo the smellier my scalp gets from working out (because shampoo strips the oils so my scalp will then overproduce them). She can wash her hair daily with conditioner (using conditioner like shampoo) and shampoo 2-3x/week (I promise it won’t smell!). To cut down on conditioner, I condition my hair and comb it in the shower with a wide-toothed comb, then I rinse out the conditioner. When I leave the shower, I add in a leave in conditioner and comb it again with a fine-toothed comb (for leave in conditioners, I like Shea Moisture or Johnson & Johnson’s No More Tangles [yes, it’s for babies, and yes it’s wonderful for anyone]). Also, I don’t know if she does this, but never ever brush curly hair! I also like Pantene curls shampoo, John Frieda curls shampoo and conditioner, and Bumble and Bumble Super Rich conditioner (although its $$$ the jumbo size lasts me 2 years)

    • Jordan

      Make sure she completely rings her hair out enforce applying conditioner. The cheaper the product the more you need. Agree with the mask idea and also depending on the sport, leave in conditioner can be sprayed on in swimming or after before the shower to help detangling. Most of the conditioner I need is to detangle. Co-wash can also be used instead of shampoo in the shower and the the hair won’t be as dry, and won’t need as much conditioner. For some reason when I blow dry my hair with a diffuser it’s gets less tangled than when I air dry which also limits the conditioner volume. Leave in conditioner spray after shower also helps prevent detangle need later.

    • Curly anony

      I am a redhead with long (bra-strap length) curly hair, so I can relate! Mostly I use the L’Oreal line you’re talking about, and I’ve actually noticed that I do seem to go through it much faster than other brands – still not a bottle a week, but notably faster. I think the pack size is a bit smaller than other brands, and I seem to need more product to fully cover everything.

      A lot of curlies love the Tresemme Naturals line – it’s about $4 for a giant bottle. I believe the shampoos still have sulfates, but the conditioners are both sulfate and silicon free and because it’s so cheap I don’t feel guilty using a generous amount. If she switched to that conditioner, it might balance out the cost of the shampoo. As others have mentioned, “co-washing” (using a weak conditioner in place of a shampoo) could be another good option, at least every few showers.

      Using sulfate-free shampoos is something that is often recommended for curly hair. Unfortunately, the reality I’ve found is that sulfate-free shampoos seem to be more expensive in general and come in smaller quantities. If anyone has a counterexample to this, let me know since I would be happy to try out a new product!

    • Anonymous

      (somewhere in the 2b/2c/3a area) and it takes me months to use a bottle of shampoo. A) Has she tried co-washing? Get a big bottle of Suave Naturals (Coconut?) and use that for your shampoo. It’s cheap, sulfate free, and with a bunch of big handfuls it DOES get your hair squeaky clean. No lather though. B) Has she tried only washing the front of her hair? (Like, if she has bangs and then the layer or two behind the bangs?) That’s likely the part that gets the greasiest — the rest of her hair (back, bottom) can be shampoo’d probably far less often. C) Yes to the hair masks too. This year I bought an $11 jar of coconut oil (Nutriva?) that I’ve been putting on my hair for about an hour once a week — it makes my hair so much more manageable and it’s super cheap. (I have very fine hair but a lot of it, and it’s about down to my shoulder blades — I’ve done it 3-4 times and I still have about 2/3ds of the jars left). D) Yes to the wide comb to detangle in the shower, when conditioner is in her hair. E) Finally — has she tried apple cider vinegar? If you go down that rabbit hole on Naturally Curly there’s a ton of recommendations (honey! ACV! egg! olive oil! baking soda!) and I must admit I get overwhelmed, so this is the first year I tried a mixture of ACV and water sprayed on my hair between my shampoo and condition — it’s amazing. It deflates my curls so they’re curly but not poufy. I only do it about once a week, but AGAIN, it’s a really cheap, good thing. (I’m just using regular ACV (Heinz), some people prefer the more raw stuff (Bragg’s) or whatever.

      If her sport is swimming, tell her to put conditioner on her hair before she puts her cap on — it’ll help protect her hair.

      • MJ

        I played DI college waterpolo, so a counterpoint to the conditioner before you put your cap on–this can lead to hairline and neck acne, which is the worst! Instead she should wet her hair with shower water and then cap up. The hair cuticle sucks up the non-chlorinated water and will react less with the chlorine. You can put conditioner on the ends, but definitely not the whole head–her cap will likely pop off if she does that, and she will have conditioner-drippy stuff falling on her skin the whole workout, which is a recipe for acne.

        Also, I have fine hair, but a lot of it, and I concur that she will use a lot of conditioner. But I would stay away from EverPure…it’s just not that great at moisturizing.

        As for curly cuts, take her somewhere else and don’t have them layer it–have them thin it, and not to do any diagonal/razoring near her face. I went through an “I’d rather be a lioness than get another bad curly cut again stage for much of HS and college. She needs to find a better person so she’s not hiding behind her (awesome) hair.

  21. Honeycrisp

    I need to vent: On Monday, I ordered a beautiful piece of reclaimed wood wall art. I got an e-mail from FedEx on Wednesday that it was delivered and dropped off on my front porch (apparently, the artist didn’t see the need to require a signature). I get home Wednesday night, and there’s no package. DH knocked on our neighbors’ doors to see if they got the package by mistake, but no luck. I called FedEx and they told me that they would contact the driver to verify that it was, in fact, delivered. Today I get a voicemail from FedEx stating that they cannot reach the driver who delivered the package, and that I should reach out to the shipper (the artist) to start a lost package claim.

    Sure I can get my money back through the claims process, but I am sad because this was a one-of-a-kind piece of art. It’s not as if Amazon lost my order and I can just buy another box of K-cups/another DVD/another whatever-you-order-online.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      Wait a few days. Same thing happened with my Mother in Law’s Christmas package to us. It was delivered down the road and returned a couple of days later. The kind neighbor didn’t want to leave it on our porch and we were never home when she was home. I do wish she had left a note or something at least since my MIL was frantic that it was marked delivered but we didn’t have it.

    • Anonymous

      Agree with Blonde Lawyer. I had this happen with a package. Four days later it magically appeared on my front porch. In my case it was left at the other end of my neighborhood, at a house with the same number but different street. They go out their garage instead of the front door, so it took a couple days until they even noticed it was there.

    • Meg Murry

      Could you also confirm your address with the artist to make sure it wasn’t a mistake on his part and he didn’t put your address into the FedEx system wrong? We were going crazy at work looking for a package that FedEx kept telling us was delivered until we dove down deeper and found out that the person shipping it had screwed up our street address (put in West BlahBlah Street not East) and it was delivered to the completely wrong place.

      • lsw

        This also happened to me. They delivered it to the completely wrong address (because the company told FedEx wrong) even though I had filled it in correctly.

      • Anonymous

        Thanks for the advice. I’ll keep my fingers crossed that the package shows up in the next few days.

        I talked to the artist. My address is “123 Fake Court.” The address that the artist had was “123 Fake Drive.” I think that this is the artist’s error, but the artist insists that this is what I entered into the order form. Perhaps it was a auto-fill correction that I failed to notice?

        There is, in fact, a “Fake Drive” near “Fake Court,” but there is no house at 123 Fake Drive. DH knocked on the doors at 121 Fake Drive and 125 Fake Drive, but neither of them had received the package in error.

        • Anonymous

          Check with your local post office to see if FedEx dropped off with the. Sometimes they sub it out. And if there was no such address it might be at the post office (or a local FedEx store if you have those)

          • Anonymous

            Or ask your mail carrier to keep an eye out for it on their route if you think it was misdelivered somewhere. In my old neighborhood, we had a X st, X dr, X ave, and X rd all within a few blocks of each other, and on more than one occasion, my mail person left me a note saying “I saw a fedex package for you at X Dr.”

  22. Family advice

    My husband’s mother and disabled (adult) sister live abroad in a former USSR country and have no other family or close friends nearby to assist with caretaking. We are interested in getting some kind of webcam or system set up so we can keep an eye on them and make sure that nothing happens; we’re worried that if something happens to his mother, his sister will be unable to leave the apartment or take care of herself at all and it may be days before neighbors or friends realize anything is wrong. The idea would be to have a webcam take automatic images in the living room or something and then we would see if no one has entered the living room in a few days. Can anyone comment on whether you’ve used anything like this before? Does anyone have any tips for handling the situation or setting up “safety plans” for elderly/disabled relatives? We’re trying to bring them to the U.S., but it’s an unbelievably long saga that is unlikely to end in this lifetime.

    • Meg Murry

      Do they have reliable enough internet service for this to work? Would you be able to talk them through setting it up without being there?

      Would it be possible and/or easier to pay a neighbor to check in daily? Or do you have contact information from a neighbor, and could you suggest his mother just send you an email daily, and you could contact the neighbor if his mother doesn’t email?

      No advice for foreign relatives, sorry, but we have talked more than one older person in our community into using the “Meals on Wheels” daily lunch delivery not because they need the meal, but because it means they get at least one person to check on them daily, and if the person doesn’t answer the door the police and/or emergency contact is called.

      • Blonde Lawyer

        Some police departments have a volunteer program that calls elderly community members that sign up daily and do a welfare check if the person doesn’t answer.

        For the OP, if your relatives have internet, could they just send you a daily email saying “I’m alive?”

    • AIMS

      I would suggest an alternative. Is there a neighbor, relative or someone else that you can pay to check in on them? For better or worse, it shouldn’t be very expensive and you can probably wire money easier than set this up.
      If this isn’t feasible, what about calling every day or two or whatever you think is reasonable to check in?

    • Anonymous

      My husband is a doctor and many of his elderly patients arrange a check in time with their family. The family member calls every day at the same time and if the elderly patient does not pick up or call back within 30 minutes, they a neighbor or the police. If the patient has been sick recently, they will do a 2x daily check in. It tends to work very well.

    • Aunt Jamesina

      I’m late to the conversation, but my husband’s grandparents are also in a former USSR country, and his grandfather had a stroke two years ago and is now in a wheelchair. His grandmother is doing well for her age, but was trying to be his caretaker and we were so worried about a fall or other incident that could incapacitate either of them. My ILs found that paying for at-home aides that came in throughout the day (I think four times) to administer medications, check up on their well-being, and report back if anything was wrong was much, much cheaper than it would be in the US and have been paying for it ever since. It’s alleviated a lot of worry.

      • Family advice

        Thanks so much, everyone! Aunt Jamesina, would you mind sharing the country and/or name of the company that you in-laws use? After thinking about this over the weekend, I think a combination of texting and more formal aides might be in order, but my husband is concerned about the poor reputation of aides there (he’s worried they’ll provide a very low level of care or even potentially steal something).

  23. Amy H.

    Planning a trip for next Sept. — does anyone have recommendations for small pensione-type hotels in Venice? I can’t afford the famous high-end places like the Danieli and Cipriani, but at 46 I’m no longer willing to stay in a hostel. Bath down the hall is fine though. (I’m travelling solo.)

    Also/in the alternative, any favorite VRBO or AirBnB options in Venice? Opinions on whether that would be safe as a solo woman traveller? I don’t want to be paranoid but neither do I want to be stupid.

    • Anonymous

      When I was in Italy, I used a hostel finding website, though I cannot remember which one. Everything I booked was an actual hotel or B&B, though. I believe I stayed in a few small, private family-run B&Bs in Venice booked on a hostel-themed website. Don’t necessarily be put off by hostel sites.

    • Getting Older & Better

      We stayed at Hotel Campiello, in a GREAT location Really close to plaza San Marco. Breakfast included. Recommended by Rick Steves. Good reviews. There were two of us but they do have “single” rooms that may work for you. Helpful staff too.

    • Marie

      I found Ca’ Barbara B&B through TripAdvisor, and it’s wonderful.

      Venice is very safe, in my experience. I have never felt unsafe as a solo woman there. Pickpocketing (or other tourists, if they are rude) would be the only worry.

  24. Career Change

    I REALLY DESPERATELY want a job LEGIT one… Legit career I can do from home fully, that doesn’t entail me doing analytics, being a writer or working for myself or in a call center. Im stumped. any ideas??? I have a bachelors and 7 years of marketing experience… but marketing is so digitial now i NEED a change. hoping to have a baby soon so i need a work from home profession.

    • Anonymous

      You don’t mean because you will keep the baby home with you while you work from home, do you? That is craziness.

      I work from my home office, for a company that’s HQ’d across the country. There are a lot of sales roles like this, though I am more on the marketing side of things. We are a very remote-friendly company. I assume after 7 years you have some kind of focus in marketing (if not skill set ie press releases vs SEO optimization vs branding than perhaps a specific industry)? You will probably need to find a company that is a good fit first in terms of remote workforce.

      For what it’s worth, I work from home 100% (with occasional, but very limited, travel) and my kids are in 100% full time daycare.

      • Career Change

        yes – baby will be home with me, but i have a live in younger cousin. she will be taking care of her as she goes to school online.

        what is your skill set? mine is all of those as all of my roles have encompassed work in those areas, so I’m proficient in all.

        you said you working in the marketing side for a very remote friendly company, which is definitely something I would be interested in, and yes I have looked relentlessly, not many are marketing friendly. most these days are friendly to IT and sales.

        would you be willing to email me the name of your company? not your name or anything about you personally. I just want to be able to research the positions they have and send them my resume.

        In a desperate situation. also dh job moves us around a lot. so I am trying to get a remote job asap.

        thanks in advance for any help in any form you’re willing to share.

        • Career Change

          just realized I said her… I am hoping I will have a girl. TTC and I am super anxious! will be my first child.

        • Anonymous

          As a fair warning, in almost all scenarios, having a baby at home won’t work (for roles like mine). I am on video conference all day long, and on days when I or a coworker has the kid at home, it’s obvious and a distraction. You will need a separate office (not a bedroom, but something on a floor or wing where your kid will not go during the day. A basement office where the kid stats on the main and upper floors could work, an office on the first floor would not, unless it was soundproofed.)

    • Socksberg

      I work from home, and I do a lot of work with Salesforce.com. If you aren’t familiar with it, you should check it out, there is a growing source of remote employment associated with that tool.

  25. Anony

    Newly married and everytime someone asks when we are going to have a baby, I got sick to my stomach.
    I feel like this is such a private and personal matter and I have being asked that, to me its a sexual question, and very violated. (has been abused in the past as child and young woman) so this could be why i feel this way – i don’t know.

    • NYtoCO

      This is sort of shocking to me. I’m newly married and have not been asked once when we’re going to have kids. Not by family, not by friends, not by acquaintances. What area of the country are you in?

      I would respond with “why do you ask?”

      • Anonymous

        The south… Pretty common question here, several of my friends have been asked this also when they got married. Most recently a male coworker asked me this.

    • APC

      Also newly married (NYer newly in LA). I get asked this occasionally, or more often, if I say to anyone “I have something to tell you” – their first response is “are you pregnant?” (I don’t say it in that dramatic way – just like, oh I know something you would be interested in type of things). It’s not unusual, but I do think your reaction is. Whether that is based in your own history or not, I think it’s something you need to work through since you won’t be able to change that behavior in others. I deflect and say “oh h3llll no” or something overexaggerated which in my mind indicates for that person to stop asking (though I do plan to have children in the near future – I agree no one needs to know that). Unfortunately I think you just need to play this off.

    • Anony

      To me, this is an absolutely ridiculous, intimate question. I don’t get it, but people do ask it.
      In my family, that’s how we view this. I had a friend of mine actually ask my sister (recently married), though, wane my friend didn’t get why I was aghast.
      I think if you give a firm, none of your business, that’s rude, snark answer, it stops most from asking again.

      • anon a mouse

        You can always respond with an over the top non-answer.

        “When are we having kids? When the good lord heavenly father decides to bless us with such bounty.”

        “Your guess is as good as mine – I’ll keep you posted on all the sex we’re having.”

        “I don’t know! Maybe tomorrow?”

  26. word of mouth

    Need dental advice. Sorry if this is a little TMI:

    Was working and eating kettle chips. Trying to clean my teeth surreptitiously and a small (very small) splinter of tooth dislodged into my hand. It looks as if I’ve somehow chipped one of my back molars. It’s a tiny chip and I feel no pain, one of my teeth is just a little sharper than normal. However, it is a tooth that has a filling.

    I have a dentist appointment already scheduled for early March. Do you think that this is the kind of thing that I can wait and bring up at that appointment, or do I need to call in and let them know now? I’m relatively new to dental insurance and having regular dental appointments, unbelievable as that may seem, so if this question seems a little silly, that’s why. I’m also having a hellaciously busy week (returning home only to sleep and shower) and would prefer to follow up with this later. Thoughts?

    • Anon

      I’ve chipped a few teeth. If you aren’t feeling pain you can probably wait. I cracked a molar on a chicken bone and after like 5 dentist appointments and them trying to fill it and still having pain, they realized the crack had gone down to the root. I ended up needing a root canal. That tooth hurt A LOT through the whole process, though, so if you aren’t feeling any pain it can probably wait. I chipped two non-molars and there was nothing that could be done for them, but they also don’t hurt at all.

    • teeth

      I would not run there this week if your schedule is crazy, but I wouldn’t wait until March. For all you know, the tooth is compromised and you may break off more. You would much rather fill a cavity/chip, then pay for a crown…..

      And really, start your twice a year cleanings. The tooth probably broke because you had a cavity underneath the surface. Potato chips don’t break teeth. So after you get the chipped tooth checked out, set up another appointment for your first cleaning. They will do xrays at that time.

      • Anonymous

        The reason why I already have an appointment in March is because I am having a cleaning done then.

    • KT

      I’d go in the next week or so. If it already had a filling and the tooth cracked, your filling is likely messed up and the pulp exposed, so it can get infected very quickly. Then you’ll need a root canal and crown–which is insanely expensive. Better to go early and have it fixed for $300 then wait and spend $3000.

  27. Talk or fade? Followup

    I posted earlier in the week about a 20+ year friend who had forgotten my birthday and seemed to be giving me the cold shoulder. Thank you for all the helpful comments encouraging me to talk to her and find out what’s up before totally giving up on the friendship.

    Strangely, the next day she texted asking if I could go for a walk (she’s a SAHM). I couldn’t because: Job (though I work from home sometimes and we have often met up for walks then). Thing is, I don’t really know what to say when we do meet. I hate conflict/ confrontation, but can’t continue with this form of friendship where she ignores my invitations & b’day, and expects me to be ready when she has free time.

    Can any of you more assertive ladies help me with a script?

    (Yes, before you suggest it, I have a therapist! Was supposed to see her this week, and was eager to discuss this issue – strangely, she double-booked, and I got postponed to next week).

    Thank you for your insight!

    • friends

      Maybe I missed your prior thread, but are you seriously complaining because a friend of 20 years forgot your birthday? How old are you? 21?

      Seriously….. Time to get over birthdays. I have not had one of my friends remember my birthday for years. We are grown ups.

      You seem very passive aggressive. Your friend finally reaches out to you and you are playing games…. “how dare she expects ME to be ready now…” So you blow her off? What?

      Script? All you need to say is “You know, I miss you and I’m worried about you. Is everything ok?”

      Talk about it with your therapist. You are being childish.

      Sorry. That sounds a bit harsh. It’s Friday.

      • NYtoCO

        You should go back and read her other post– maybe the OP could point out which it was exactly. It was a little more complicated than you’re assuming it is.

      • OP

        Weird. My post disappeared.

        Thanks NYtoCO! The previous post was here, Talk or Fade?, asking if it seemed worth trying to talk to my friend.
        https://corporette.com/2016/01/20/suit-of-the-week-elie-tahari-4/#comments

        Fact is, it’s hard, since she’s ignored or declined most of the invitations I’ve offered this year. And, yes, when I have a busy week, I can’t drop stuff just ’cause she has time. Most of my weeks are tightly scheduled way in advance (aren’t we Over-Achieving Chicks??)

      • Anonymous

        It makes more sense of you read the previous post. I understand your comment based on what you read, but it doesn’t really hold up.

        -Not OP

      • Anonymous

        This is a place for support!!!! Not to be attacked!!!! Your post disturbed me! Get off this forum if you’re gonna be mean to other women. Childish witch.

        • Anonymous

          And yes I’m being mean to YOU so you see how it feels to be called childish.

          Don’t ridicule the nature another woman’s concerns.

    • OP

      Thanks, NYtoCO.
      The previous post was here, Talk or Fade?, asking if it was worth talking to my (former?) friend, or if she’d already ghosted out:
      https://corporette.com/2016/01/20/suit-of-the-week-elie-tahari-4/#comments

      My friend has ignored or declined most of the invitations I’ve extended this year. Previous posters suggested the friendship was already over – ‘she’s just not that into you.’ Some suggested that there might be something huge going on for her, and that I should try to find out before giving up.

      For two decades, we celebrated our birthdays jointly b/c they happen very close in time. I don’t expect the random person to know when my birthday is, but this former bestie knew very well for a very long time, and, in fact, suggested getting birthday drinks the last time I saw her, but hasn’t responded to any attempts to schedule.

      I had a number of commitments/ deadlines this week, and couldn’t spare the time for a walk, nor did I know what to say.

    • OP

      Rats, no luck posting the link to the previous convo….

      In sum, Friend has ignored or declined most of my invitations over the past year. For many years, we celebrated our birthdays together because they occur in close proximity. We did not last year, despite my repeated invitations. This year, *she* suggested that we do so, but has resisted repeated requests to select a time. I feel, as one of the previous posters said, She’s Just Not That Into Me. I was wondering whether it was worth a conversation, or whether I’d already been officially ghosted, and whether that was the preferred way to end a friendship.

      So I was super surprised when she texted this week! But, no, I wasn’t falling all over myself to re-arrange my day, at the expense of working late and/or missing exercise or kid-time, and join her for a walk, when I have numerous deadlines, many set weeks or months in advance. I actually have taken the tack that “friends” recommends for many years of this friendship: she invites, I am there. But my friend doesn’t at all subscribe to this philosophy and I’m tried of it.

      Still wondering what to say when we do meet…

    • Anony

      I’m in a similar position with one of my two best friends right now. I have no idea what’s going on, why she seems to be ditching me, or how to actually fix it. We used to talk (text or whatever) more days than not, now we talk less than once a week and is stilted at that. She changed jobs (to a less demanding one with a shorter commute), started hanging out with new friends, and stated dating someone seriously for the first time. She told me when they started dating to tell get if she started ignoring me or anything, but I have and she’s done nothing. I had arranged to meet her last weekend and planned to speak frankly then, but I was sick and couldn’t. I tried rescheduling but it’s like she’s booking months out the way she talks.

      No advice but commiseration

      • Girlfriend

        Consider that it’s not you. Really. Sometimes people are actually busy and not able to as much as they’d like. Esp. introverts. I want to be everything to everyone, but there’s not enough time in every day to be there and have time to recharge. Good friends are often the ones who get pushed back because I know they know me and will forgive. Then when we do get together (even after years!), it’s still great. & we have SO much to talk about!

        • life and friends

          There’s truth here.

          I’m an introvert, and going through a very rough time in my life. It is very hard for me to be a good, supportive friend right now… especially with my needy friends. So I withdraw. And then I get into a vicious cycle of delaying calling back/not keeping in touch, then feeling guilty, so I don’t get in touch longer etc… And I’m not even depressed. This is just me and life.

          So if your friend has any personal issues/health issues/mental health issues right now…. well, if you guys were once good friends I would ask what’s up in case she is going through a hard time.

  28. Useless Degree

    Please don’t stone me, but I made a stupid decision. I got my masters of science online at a for profit school. it is only nationally accredited, they drew me in because the program was only $10k. I didn’t research throughly enough to realize that national accreditation is many times looked down upon. So now, I feel like an idiot that wasted money and time and I feel ashamed to even say I have a masters. Can anyone shed light on what I should do? I want to start applying for new jobs for more money and I don’t know if i should just completely forget about my “degree”

    • AIMS

      You have a degree. It may not help you, or it may make a difference. I would just apply for jobs and hope for the best. Maybe not for jobs that require a specific degree, but if you’re applying for jobs that you wouldn’t list the for-profit degree, why not list it just in case it makes a difference?

      • Anonymous

        Very true…. Good point. I’m just scared it will make me seem shady plus it did cost me $10k

    • KT

      I would leave it off. I mean this gently, but when I see resumes come across with for profit scam schools, I either assume the person is shady or too out of it, since they didn’t realize it was a waste of money.

      AskAManager has covered this issue extensively, and the consensus is its better to leave it off entirely then have it on there.

      • KT

        And one thing you can do is mention “continuing education classes in my field” instead in your cover letter or resume. That shows you’re learning new skills relevant to your work, without the risk of a shady school on your resume.

        • Anonymous

          Good point. To redeem myself, I applied for an MBA program at Liberty University… And I got in but will take 2 years to complete. Should I put this on my resume?

          • Confused Canadian

            is Liberty University considered a legit university? isn’t that the Jerry Falwell place?

            Is this a troll or is this person really not good at picking colleges or have I misunderstood about Liberty and it’s considered good? So confused.

          • Anonymous

            You must either be a troll or foreign. No, Liberty University will not help your resume.

          • LAnon

            The only benefit to listing Liberty on your resume is if you are applying to work somewhere evangelical – for instance, if you were applying to be an administrator at a megachurch, I can imagine an MBA from Liberty would look very appealing. They also have a lot of alums in the Virginia and North Carolina area (or generally in the Bible Belt), so there may be a slight networking benefit there. Otherwise, no, people will probably not see this as a good thing.

    • Coach Laura

      Useless degree- please don’t feel ashamed of your degree. As you mentioned, there are “regionally” accredited institutions and “nationally” accredited institutions.

      If it is accredited by DETC or ACICS, it is a “real” degree. If it was from Kennedy Western or St. Regis (not to be confused with Regis University in Denver), that’s a “degree mill” degree. Many DETC degrees are eligible for tuition reimbursement by the US Government, large corporations, etc. so they are legit.

      I recently met a high-priced consultant with a Kennedy Western masters on her resume and LinkedIn profile. Many people won’t know or care about the difference between regional and national and some HR people don’t know what degree mills are.

      There are some limitations to a nationally accredited degree. Some employers absolutely won’t hire a DETC grad for positions but the employers are clustered in finance, consulting and some high-profile contractors. You won’t be able to teach, most likely, at the local community college for example. You probably wouldn’t be able to sit for a CPA exam in some states (e.g. Texas). But I would use it on your resume if you are staying in the same industry. You could even talk to some HR people in your industry to see what the reputation is in your field.

      Don’t add a Liberty degree too, though. Liberty is accredited by regionally accredited by SACS (which accredits Auburn University, UNC Chapel Hill and University of Texas among others) but has a poor reputation and your resume doesn’t need that. My advice would be to pick an online program from a reputable “Brick and Mortar” school in your area. For example, Arizona State if you’re in AZ, Sacramento State if you’re in CA, University of Maryland if you’re in MD or DC etc. It will cost more but it will have name recognition and more respect.

      Good luck in your career!

  29. Socksberg

    I need to brag about this somewhere – I’ve received an offer and I’m expecting another two on Monday!!! The last couple weeks have been an insane amount of interviewing and selling myself. I’ve never talked so much in my life. I feel like it’s all paying off now, the offer I think I’ll take will be an at least 18% pay increase over my current salary, possibly more (depending on the bonus). I’ll be cracking 100k for the first time, which was a career goal that I had to reach in 5 years and I get to do it early! I’m so proud and happy!

    • Wendy

      That’s fantastic news. Take your time and accept the offer (if there are more than one) best suits you. Think beyond your work duties and consider if working at a particular firm feels like a good fit based on what you’ve observed and felt while talking to them.

  30. Late Bloomer

    I am 38, went through a really tough divorce almost two years ago, and am now in school for my MBA in part because I want to obtain a position of financial security in my life as a single woman that I was not on track for before. Ever since I was around 18 years old I have struggled with anxiety and depression, and I am in (good) treatment for these issues. But I am so miserable in business school. I am much older than most of my classmates, but still get along with them fairly well. However, I am not any good at classes and it is a constant blow to my self-esteem. My grades are above a 3.0 and I am not in danger of being kicked out, but I am a decidedly mediocre student compared to most of my classmates, despite how hard I work.

    Someone please tell me this finite suffering will work out to a fulfilling and hopefully well-paid future! I have a good internship lined up for summer already but am scared I won’t do well in it, after seeing my performance in class. My confidence is shaken and my anxiety is sky high.

    • Anonymous

      It’s normal to struggle after being away from school for a long time. Ask for help from professors, form a study group with others etc I can also relate to your other struggles, grad school can sometimes make this worse. Keep doing your best, you will get to the end.

    • Anonymous

      If you’re median-ish in a competitive program, I’m sure you’ll do fine in your internship. Who did ‘poorly’ in their internships from my program… Combination of people who were blowing off class and/or those with poor soft skills.

      I would make sure to spend time in classes making sure you can ‘do it right’. E.g. if someone asks you to explain 5 forces, WACC, etc, you should be able to clearly articulate what it is–precision of knowledge will bring you credibility during your internship. Go over all your tests with professors to understand why your answers were wrong, they will help repair the ‘holes’. Also, try to get in groups with 1 or 2 known rock star students to learn what they are doing well,i.e., how do they approach solving problems.

    • Liz

      I did undergrad business school for similar reasons (I had zero financial support from family and a lot of college debt, so worried about my financial future). I was a very B/C student in most of the work which was demoralizing for this honors kid (who also struggles with anxiety). But then I took some marketing/advertising-oriented classes that lit my spark. It was a big thing to run against the tide and accept I wasn’t big consulting firm bound like my peers. They got some great job offers. But now I have a very successful career in advertising that after some leaner years put me on-par with them financially – plus I love what I do. You will get something out of this program that pays off – but stay true to yourself and measure yourself by how much your OWN strengths are growing. You don’t have to be a rockstar at all of it. Lean into the parts that come more naturally.

      • Late Bloomer

        Thanks for this, Liz. It is hard to go against the tide of future consultants and investment bankers–and to accept grades that I would not have been thrilled with when I was younger! My gifts are just a little different from what seems to be the norm in MBA school.

  31. Friendless

    I have no female friends… And I do is work (a good job though) and Netflix. I have family in another state and married. So I do have a full life and on weekends I go to the mall, movies, church, volunteering, golf etc but as a woman in my twenties…. Do you think I absolutely need to make friends? I’m perfectly happy and content. But I don’t think I want to make friends until I get older… Still trying to work through trust and emotional issues from my sordid past. Met a girl at the mall makeup counter the other day that invited me to a makeup event… Should I go? Turned off with the idea of friends still

    • Socksberg

      I would go. What’s to risk but a waste of an hour or two if you don’t like it? Female friendship has been a critical part of my life and I have absolutely felt the lack when I didn’t have it. Why are you turned off of the idea of friends – maybe that is something to think through and consider if you want the events that happened in the past to determine this part of your future.

      • Anonymous

        Turned off to the idea because I used to have a group of 5 friends when I was in college. They ganged up on me and essentially stabbed me in the back. It rocked the core of what I thought what complete trust in them. Other female friendships haven’t materialized as I have worked primarily with men. And I should add I recently moved to a whole different coast when I got married and have been busy finding new work as well as adjusting to being a new wife etc

    • Anon

      I’m in the same boat, except not by choice. Did you two hit it off? Or was it some kind of sales pitch? I’m older than you (34) but it’s pretty rough spending your life without any kind of support system. And don’t expect to just be able to turn it on when you eventually feel like it – it only gets harder as people start having families and tend to focus more on their established friends. You clearly have some interest or you wouldn’t have asked. Go – what’s the worst that happens?

      • Anonymous

        I can’t tell if she just invited me because she wanted to make some sales or if she really likes me. Again, this is due to issues I have had in the past due to my troubled life before moving out of my old town.

    • Talk or fade?

      See my above post for the importance of female friends, and the sadness when you drift apart.

      I’d recommend actively reaching out and meeting female friends. It’s important to have some perspectives beyond work and family. Friends can bring so much richness into your life!

      • Anonymous

        I feel like it’s too late for me?? It’s so hard to make female friends….. I don’t speak to any of my college ones due to growing apart and moving away etc. how does one go about it? I figured I could just make mommy friends one day. Like other mothers in the daycare or something.

        • Alana

          You could develop hobbies that people do in groups or do individually, together (soccer team vs. running group). Also, you could get involved in your neighborhood, in your local or national elections, etc. There’s also meetup.

    • Friendless

      Also there are about 2 girls I went to college with many years ago. Should I reach out to them to try to have a friendship? It would be a call/text and only occasionally see once another maybe once a year. They live in different states though – very far away. Also worried about lack of them wanting to be friends or being responsive

    • Anonymous

      I am someone who never had a lot of female friends. I was a tomboy, I like to party hard, and I’m into sports. I’ve always had one or two, but the majority were boys. What I have found as I have gotten older, into my thirties, is that mixed gender friendships are more rare. I’ve had to develop more female female friends. I work in a male dominated industry, but I found some great girls who work there and we have become friends. They’re not in my immediate practice, so it’s not weird, but we still have a lot in common with work.

      Think about it this way, if you run into something like getting divorced, a bad situation at work, or your house gets flooded while your husband’s away, do you have a support network to reach out to locally?

      • Anonymous

        I don’t have a support network locally… How would I go about that? I get along well with coworkers, and have gone to lunch a handful of time with some of the female ones, does this count? Also hubby’s job moves us around a lot. So I don’t know if having friends locally makes sense?

        • Anonymous

          I think it’s worth it, if you do move, you have a reason to go back to visit. Besides it’s not like you’re making a lifelong commitment to talk two hours a week.

          How to go about it really depends on you and what you like to do. My work friends and I started with happy hours, that turned into really long happy hours, which turned into crazy nights out, brunches and weekend trips. But it depends on what you want to do with friends. If your idea of a good friendship would be weekend lunches, then look at taking that on to some of your existing activities like volunteering. It’s as simple as saying hey anyone want to get lunch when we’re done today? You’ll get some takers, and you’ll see how it goes. Then maybe it becomes a regular thing, and then you end up doing more together.

    • Anon

      I’ve had issues making new friends as I’ve gotten older (mid twenties now). I’ve never been great at making friends, but I’m good at maintaining them. I’ve always valued quality over quantity, but that’s tougher as friends move and life happens. I’ve tried using meetup, but that’s been difficult to get anything beyond first layer polite company.
      If anyone wants to do a group email to see if any of us hit it off, send me an email about it. Even if we aren’t geographically close, maybe a few will hit it off, who knows. annemoust at gmail.

    • Anonymous

      Maybe try thinking of a friend network the way you would think about a professional network. You don’t always feel like you “need” it on a day to day basis, but if you put in the time and the effort, it makes the sweet times a lot sweeter and the hard times less difficult. Psychologists often point to the quality of relationships in our lives as the primary marker of happiness and that’s absolutely been the case in my own life.

      With respect to your baggage about friendship, maybe think about whether you want to continue holding yourself back. Figure out what kind of person you want to be (someone who pursues quality relationships with other women!) and then go after that, without setting up past experiences as an obstacle. I’m in my mid-30s and I’ve made many of my friends in the last 5 years or so. Within that time period, I’ve had a very good friend sleep with my now ex-husband and another good friend totally ghost me without any idea why. I also have many friends, some older and some newer, who have been just wonderful sources of joy and support in my life. There are all sorts of people and you are best off focusing on your resiliency and the fact that you will be perfectly able to deal with whatever life throws at you (i.e., the occasional sh!t friend).

      As far as logistics go, I treat making friends like dating. I ask other women out for a drink, or brunch, or to go for a walk/run with me, or to go check out some local thing you’ve been interested in, or to go to a museum lecture or other event. Most people are glad to be asked. And some people don’t have space in their lives for more friends, but that’s fine. Once you start making a habit of making friends, it gets easier and easier to the point where you do it automatically. Good luck!

  32. Anon

    Fell in love with my best friends ex. It just happened and started out as just talking friendly but he kept convincing me that there was nothing between them and that they weren’t really together but they did at one point have feelings between them. Over the course of 2 years I fell for him. But I told him we couldn’t be together because for one he was my friends ex and then also because I saw things in him I didn’t think could make for a good partner. I resisted the whole time to being with him
    But he pressured me to give him a chance. Well, I haven’t spoken to my friend in 2 years… Because now I feel ashamed and confused. I don’t think he said anything to her but they are friendly and he could easily tell her at any point and I worry that if I get close to her that he will tell her just out of spite. He didn’t take me breaking things off In an understanding way. Especially because I moved on fast after. Should I tell her and risk her hating me? I don’t know what to do but I miss her friendship and I feel lost without her. She was the best friend I ever had.bans I do acknowledge that I did something wrong by letting myself develop feelings for him. Nothing ever happened other than him kissing me once and I pulled away. What should I do?

      • Anonymous

        I’m not sure she really has a choice anymore. It seems highly likely that the former best friend has heard about it from someone – I doubt no one else observed it. Even if the friend hasn’t heard, she hasn’t spoken with the friend for 2 years. Does OP just fall off the face of the earth to the friend? Did OP stop responding to the friend because she felt bad? Why does the fiend think they have’t talked for 2 years?

        • Anonymous

          Lol. You have this all wrong. First off – no one knew about him & I, we live in a state very far away and have no mutual friends besides her . Neither of us are open about relationships i.e telling others who we date. And she thinks we haven’t spoken because we not only both moved but have undergone life changes. She definitely doesn’t know. Which is why my question was should I tell her before HE doesn’t not a third party. Or why you think she thinks we haven’t spoken.

      • Anonymous

        I want her friendship. I haven’t spoken to him in 2 years… So there’s nothing there.

    • Anonymous

      Well if you want to renew the friendship, it sounds like yeah you should tell her (because you’re right that it’s better for her to hear it from you than the ex, and it’ll hang over your head if you don’t say anything). She may not want to renew the friendship with you though after she finds out. I once read somewhere that the beauty of being an adult is that you can do whatever you want — you just have to be willing to accept the consequences. You effectively chose her ex over her, and she may not want to be friends with you knowing that.

  33. Moissanite shopping

    Looking for moissanite earrings but haven’t found any shops in Atlanta that appear to carry them. Should I order online? Any online places you recommend? I saw Amazon, Overstock, and Moissaniteco (or something like that) all carry the size I think I want in the Forever Brilliant. If you ladies have any guidance, I’d really appreciate it.

    • Wildkitten

      I like Rosado’s Box in Chicago and online. They seem to understand that the purchase of a Moissanite doesn’t mean you want everything else about the jewelry to be as cheap as possible, which I really appreciate.

    • Sydney Bristow

      My husband bought my engagement ring from Better Than Diamond. I’m pretty sure he got the stone with the Amora treatment. He said the process wasn’t bad and I’m super happy with my ring.

    • Senior Attorney

      I just bought a ring from Moissaniteco.com and it’s gorgeous. It took a while to ship but worth the wait. Nice 14K gold setting.

  34. Anon

    I’ve searched the website for other threads on this, but . . . .I got fired. Out of the blue. We are negotiating terms next week, but I feel sick to my stomach and haven’t been able to sleep since. I’ve talked with a lawyer about how to negotiate the terms and we’re talking more over the weekend. I know others here have had this happen, and I know it’s unlikely anyone will see this since I couldn’t even post it until now because I just feel so sick. I’ve only told my SO and my lawyer, and I’m fine as long as I get a job around the same salary within the next year. I feel like I’m drowning and can’t get any air.

    • Socksberg

      I’m so sorry this happened to you. You say you feel like you are drowning, but you acknowledge that you’ll be ok as long as you can find a job around the same salary within the next year. The drowning feeling is temporary, and you know logistically you’re ok for now. You haven’t shared this with anyone but your SO and your lawyer – do you have any close friends or family members you would feel comfortable talking to? Especially people who have been in the workforce a long time, they’ve seen it all and have probably been fired before. It might help you feel better and get some perspective to help place this event in context. I hope once the shock wears off, you’ll start to feel less panicked.

    • Hildegarde

      I’m so sorry this is happening. Please take a deep breath and remember you are more than your job. You are also a valuable person, regardless of your career. Also remember that bad things happen and people recover from them, and you will too, even if it’s difficult.

      A few years ago my mom was fired, and she took it really hard because she has been an over-achieving student and career woman her entire life. Her boss had been pressuring her to do some misleading things with some scientific data she was working on, and when she continued to refuse he fired her. She was miserable, cried, second-guessed herself, etc., even though the job (mainly that boss) had been making her very unhappy. Lo and behold, she got a new job four months later, where she has now been for the better part of a decade, and where her bosses love her and she is much happier and very successful.

      I say this not to make light of your situation – I can only imagine how difficult this is – but just to encourage you that this is not forever. Try to do something relaxing this weekend, and gear up to get the best terms you can when you negotiate next week. You are very fortunate to have the finances to take time to search for the next job which hopefully will be a better fit for you. Again, I’m so sorry, and good luck.

      • Anon

        Thank you to both of you for your kind words and advice. I am so deeply appreciative that two strangers on the internet would take time to offer encouragement to someone they don’t even know. I posted feeling desperate and terrified, and your responses have made me feel like maybe this isn’t the end of the world I’d been feeling like it was. Thank you.

    • Anonymous

      Hi there! Almost the same thing happened to me this month. I was technically “laid off” but it was out of the blue and makes no sense (says literally everyone at the company, except my CEO/boss who made the decision in a vacuum). My lawyers are *also* actively negotiating terms.

      So no advice, other than take care of yourself. If you would like to commiserate, even if only anonymously (I am hugely embarrassed as well but have started to tell people), I can post some contact info.

      I take solace in the fact that all my former bosses still at the company, all my peers, and my entire team of 40 reports are totally devastated and three people told me this was the last straw for them and they are going to move on. And I have a 6 year track record of kicking @ss- and only a 2 month track record of having a new CEO who wanted to bring in his buddy (male) to do things his way.

      • Anon

        Thank you for sharing your experience — this actually sounds very similar to my situation! I hope things are looking up for you soon and that your negotiations get you a soft landing. Good luck, and thank you.

    • anonaon

      Hello! I feel your pain. I was laid off from my job totally out of the blue, and I felt so betrayed and ashamed and angry. I suggest reading the book “Keeping Your Head After Losing Your Job.” It is a smart, insightful, and very reassuring book that helps put this all in perspective and encourages you to take care of yourself during this transition time.

      One other thing that really helped me was a networking event a friend invited me to. It was full of wonderful women who had experienced it all career-wise, and many of them had lost their jobs at some point, which made me feel better. Also, don’t be afraid to talk to people about your situation, even people you don’t know well. One women heard what happened to me and offered to meet with me. She gave me advice on my resume and recommended a company to reach out to, which turned into a wonderful freelance opportunity that really lifted my spirits and renewed my confidence until I got a full-time job.

      Also, remember that a lot of the job situations we end up in are not that great. There are shady things that happen all the time. Don’t let a few other people’s decisions about your job define who you are or how you see yourself. They may have terrible judgement. They may be jerks. And in the long scheme of things, you can totally bounce back and move on and hopefully forget about it someday and feel all the stronger for it.

      • Anon

        Thank you for the advice, I appreciate it. Now that I have some time to read, I will definitely check that book out and force myself to start networking again. Thank you also for your kind words, I truly am grateful.

    • Anon

      Ah, BTDT. It’s tough. A few things I learned along the way:
      You don’t have to give well-meaning friends and family all of the details of what happened. Fired, laid off, moving on… choose whatever description you think each person deserves to know. The shame of “fired” was hard for me – but the end result was the same: my job ended, I was sad and I needed my friends and family to support me.
      People who have been through this before can be an amazing support – and remind you that it will get better. If you have a friend who has, I’d start with them.
      Use the time well and know when you are and are not ready to go back to work. If you have the financial luxury, spend some time caring for yourself. Take a vacation, learn something new, see a therapist, go to yoga classes… whatever gives you space to heal. Bouncing back is a process that deserves respect – and you’ll be infinitely better at interviewing if you do this first.
      Good luck to you! This really is the toughest part. I have no doubt you have a bright future ahead. My firing led to a career change that gives me so much happiness. I’m sure happiness is ahead for you too.

      • Anon

        Thank you — it helps so much to hear that it worked out for you.
        My SO is very worried that I’m going to decide to stop working (as though that’s an option anyway!) and is panicking because I’ve said I want to take a few weeks to focus on getting healthy again, travel, etc while I have my severance and before I start looking full time. But you’re right that I just won’t be ready until I do some of that and it won’t help in interviewing. Thank you again.

    • Ses

      Advice from my mother several years ago when this happened to me: take time to travel and do fun stuff before buckling down again. You’ll have another job again soon, but you won’t have free time. Use the time to regroup and come back stronger. We’re kind of hippies though, so ymmv. Anyway, hang in there, many of us have been through this.

      • Anon

        I am actually a bit embarrassed to admit that I am kind of excited about being able to go to the art museum in the middle of the day. :)

    • Anon

      Hugs! The above advice is really great…you are more than your job and it is very likely that your next job will be way better. I would caution you against playing a recurring game with yourself of, “What did I do? What could I have done differently? If only I hadn’t…” I have played this horrid game with myself after being let go, and it’s not productive! Take the learning you can out of the situation, but keep a forward-oriented perspective. Keep in touch with your best colleagues and know that this is a rotten time in your life (immediately following), followed by a freeing time (I get to do something new!). Wallow a little, but know that you need to pick yourself up and move forward, even though this was shocking and surprising and awful and lame. You are strong! ONWARD!
      Hugs again.

      Also, be sure to tell at least one good friend (besides SO) and tell her what you need in terms of jobsearching encouragement–whether you want advice, commiseration, empathy…tell her what you need in terms of support. Jobsearching can be really lonely and isolating, so having someone to be there for you in the way you need it will be really clutch. You got this. Their loss. You’re gonna be amazing at your next job.

      • Anon

        Thank you for this. I took your advice and told a friend. As I talked to her, it felt like someone was moving the rock off of my chest. Thank you for the advice and encouragement — it really means a lot.

    • Shopping challenged.

      Happened to me once. My immediate boss was so angry; his boss & the guy one more level up took the action without consulting him. We asked the head guy to review the decision; he sent it back to the guys (yes, they were all guys, and operating very much in an old boys kind of way) who had made the decision first time around. Given my field and how small that town was, my choices were to lawyer up and settle in for years of dispute or get another job and move where it took me. I did the latter, moving into a somewhat different field.

      • Shopping challenged.

        Sorry–sent that too soon!
        Once you’re over the initial shock (it took me a couple weeks, including a business trip with outside funding and a visit to a good friend), try to see this as an opportunity. Don’t leave your field out of spite, but this is a good time to evaluate where you are, where you want to be, what parts of your job you’d like to be different.
        Keep your head up!

  35. Anonymous

    Anyone have tips for good cropped jackets for a petite frame? I’m searching for something a little fancier than a cardigan, but more feminine than a blazer to wear with my sheath dresses.

  36. Randi

    Multi part question:

    Friend moved into a rental and the toilet needs major stain removal. I’ve heard soda actually works, is that true? Better options?

    Same friend, bathtub drains slowly, assuming hair, best option to break it up?

    And for me, I need a new budget, any tips for apps, software, websites or tools? I need something to track spending and help me not to over spend in categories/ make sure I have the bill money ready when due.

    • Anon

      For clogs, I recommend a Zip It (thanks to the recommendation of others here!). I find it works better on my sink than on my bathtub because of how the drain is designed, but for $3, it’s totally worth it before going the chemical route.

      • Randi

        Thanks, she tried the chemical route and either it was just not the right mix but it just didn’t work well.

    • Charmed Girl

      Um. Have the landlord deal with it- at least initially. Especially the slow drain. Dealing with other people’s hair and shower gunk. GROSS.

    • Wildkitten

      A coke is pretty cheap so you might as well try that. You can use baking soda, vinegar, and a plunger to break up a clogged drain, but you should definitely see if the landlord will do it first.

      I looove this pdf for making sure you have enough money in your accounts to pay bills. I list my bills by paycheck – so, here are the 5 I need to pay with my first paycheck, here are the 5 I need to pay with my second, and I can see what bills I still have to pay at all times: http://www.myfrugalhome.com/printable-bill-pay-checklist/

    • Anonymous

      For the toilet, when we moved into our new house it had hard water stains. Only Ka-Boom worked – we tried everything.

      For the drain, I would call the landlord first. S/he or a plumber should just open up the drain and pull the gunk out. this is easy, and I make my husband do this about once a year, but your friends landlord should take care of this so your friend doesn’t have to pull out former tenants’ mysterious biomass (yuck, I know).

    • CountC

      I dye my own hair at home. My tips are not to try to go lighter at home/yourself, get brushes and a glass bowl for mixing and applying, lay down old towels over everything, use rubber kitchen gloves not the ones in the box, apply a small bit of vaseline just outside your hairline and have it handy to wipe off dye from your skin, and have fun!

      • Randi

        Great suggestions. Do you do anything particular for upkeep? I’m going natural/ darker, covering greys, if that makes a difference.

        I went to Sally’s for the first time and bought more professional stuff than the box hair dye I’ve been using.

        • CountC

          Nope, other than always starting with my roots. I do roots first all over my head, then go back and do the rest. I have long hair. One box is juuuuuust enough. Barely.

    • ITDS

      I do. I use the L’Oreal Excellence, which comes with a great, easy comb-style applicator. Choose a box whose model has your coloring. I have had my color for years and always get compliments on it, and the girl on the box has the same skin tone and eye color as me. Brush your hair before you color to get out any loose hairs and to untangle any knots so you can get the color in evenly without struggling. Have some clorox wipes handy to wipe up any spills – even dark looking spots will come right off. Rinse with the coolest water you can stand.

    • Anon

      I do! It save SO MUCH MONEY! I used to go once every eight weeks, but with my grey on brunette, it’s more like every three weeks now. I couldn’t justify spending thousands on my hair per year! That’s crazy.

      Stay within 1-2 shades of your natural color. If your ends are drier than your roots, do your roots for longer and use a spray bottle to wet your ends partially so the color does not adhere as much.

      Have a roll of paper towels around to get any drips on counters, sinks, floor.

      Get a dark-colored towel to use after your shower (even if I think I’ve gotten the dye out in the shower, there’s always a little left–don’t wreck your good towels).

      If you do your brows too, do only ~10 mins and make sure you apply carefully, with a mascara wand.

      I personally find that mousse-based colors are way easier to use than liquid ones. There’s John Freida and a L’Oreal one. They color just as well, but are way less drippy and seem to damage my hair much less.

    • Wildkitten

      I recently found a “root touch up” kit at CVS. I don’t recall the brand, but it matched like 10 of their normal colors and had a special root applicator. It was so easy I had my man do it to my head, and he’s very not-crafty so I don’t usually trust him with most important painting projects.

  38. anon for this

    Middle-age dating strategies wanted. I am frustrated. Divorced 4 years, 39 yrs now. Been in 3 relationships since, once per year on average. Back in the pool now. The sites and apps are a lot to keep up with, but there are occasional gems in the rough in the pool. It’s gotten worse though- dark side of big data?- daily troves of messages from other countries, teenagers, ugh.

    Has anyone found a better smarter approach? It’s Just Lunch is the only main alternative, and their system does not work for me and not really an investment I can justify right now. Real life happenings where I come across someone aren’t happening (home with kid + work at company with old demographic).

    Seriously there must be a better way. I feel scattered sorting through the listings and messages. Then I go meet the few guys that make it through extensive questioning and dialogue and seem compatible and not the right fits. This could work eventually, find the right fit, but the process is so very inefficient.

    Ideas welcome. From people who have done it. Sorry, when I was married etc I could not possibly have understood what it is like, so my ideas would have been too uninformed to be helpful.

    I am seeking long-term relationship as opposed to vast majority of child-men out there. But there are some in the market. I just want a better way of finding good ones than these sites. Any gem site out there? Or a private service that doesn’t cost many thousands? I don’t want a personal matchmaker. I want access to a better online pool of vetted people with more data on them (and me) and their wants for more efficient screening. The new apps are awful, you can not tell a thing about the people except their picture mostly, and silly hobbies, and these apps are ridden with privacy invasions. But this seems to be where the market has gone. I can not engage in lengthy messaging dialogues with hundreds of people to discover they are seeking open relationships only. Ugh, even match and OKC seem to be removing more specific data fields about kids, career, rather than adding them.

    Most of the market might be focused on Tinder-type meetups. Where do the grownups go now. For now I will just keep plowing through the sites but promised to date ‘smarter’ in 2016 and asking around for new strategies is a good first step. I can manage the time part- batch searching, allocate a time per week to messaging, etc.- it’s the question of how to find a better honed pool of people to sort through.

    Thanks for any new ideas.

    • Anontoo.

      I recognize that conundrum. I basically decided it wasn’t worth it. I had so much to do as a single mother with a responsible job that I didn’t have time for dating. The standard line on first dates seems to be not to get too invested in anyone before a first date, because who knows if it’ll work. First dates are a dime a dozen. The other things I do with my time are worth way more to me than that. Now that my kid is approaching high school, we spend much less time together anyway, so I’m heading back out there now, at 49.
      The few friends I have who found successful relationships as adults were introduced to their partners by mutual acquaintances.

      • Anonymous

        Ack anontoo not good to hear but appreciate the honesty! My daughter is only 3 so this is going to be a long haul if I give up. :( I can’t. I like male company too much. Good luck being back out there to you.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      I’m not in your shoes but I know a few divorced people that found their new relationship via Facebook. Either an old high school friend that is now divorced too or a friend of a friend that has always been single.

    • I hate dating

      Do you have a network of very good friends and family that you trust? Tell them – you are looking. Do they know someone who is a good candidate for what you are looking for. And tell them…. do not recommend someone unless THEY would date them. They must be THAT good. Let people who love you, help look for you.

      But this is so so so so so much easier for men than for women.

      My widowed 55 year old cousin decided he was ready a few years after his wife passed. He sent out the message to his circle. He is now living with an amazing 40 year old woman (!) who has her own architectural firm.

      Be willing to consider someone older (esp. 10 years+), and your likelihood is better.

      Frustrates me to no end…

      • Anonymous

        They all know and I do ask. No one knows of any. :( I did find a few new sites today to try that cater to better educated/income pool so fingers crossed for a new approach.

        • anon

          Ha, I ask way more than a close trusted circle- I ask whenever I get a good opportunity to!

  39. Looking for past post

    Not sure if it was on the blog or FB, but somewhere I thought I’d saved a post on asking for feedback when you don’t get the job. I can’t find it now. Can anyone help me out?

    • Found it!

      Jan 15 news roundup had a link to a Lovato piece. Not really a lot there.

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