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The lace-up trend is going strong right now, and so I thought I'd find an affordable piece for weekend wear for today's Weekend Open Thread. A few notes: why are there so many long-sleeved rompers with lace-up details? I still can't quite get over the dumbness of rompers, but when they're long-sleeved as well… yes. The other note: if you really want to be trendy, consider the many, many options for lace-up body suits. If that's not your jam, this dress looks fun if you like mini-skirts on the weekend; I suppose one could also pair it with leggings or distressed skinny jeans if you wanted to. But my top pick is just this simple lace-up top, which comes in gray and black — easy peasy, not fussy (or so low you can't wear it with a bra!), and pretty affordable at $48, sizes XS-XL. Leith Lace-Up Long Sleeve Top
This plus-size version looks nice.
Psst: Whoa, major sale on “customer favorites” at Neiman Marcus. Lots of sold out pieces, but what's left is at great prices. Brands include Costume National, See by Chloe, Lafayette 148 New York, Carolina Herrara, and Halston Heritage.
One more update: do note that 3/22 (Tuesday) is “Triple Points Day” at Nordstrom. So if you're a cardholder and have time this weekend, you may want to poke around, put some things in your cart or on hold at your local store.
(L-all)Sales of note for 9.19.24
- Nordstrom – Beauty deals through September, and cardmembers earn 3x the points (ends 9/22)
- Ann Taylor – Extra 30% off sale
- Banana Republic Factory – 50% off everything + extra 20% off
- Boden – 15% off new styles
- Eloquii – Extra 50% off sale
- J.Crew – 50% off select styles — and 9/19 only, 50% off the cashmere wrap
- J.Crew Factory – Up to 60% off everything + 50% off sale with code
- Lo & Sons – Warehouse sale, up to 70% off
- M.M.LaFleur – Save 25% sitewide
- Neiman Marcus – Friends & Family 25% off
- Rag & Bone – Friends & Family 25% off sitewide
- Spanx – Lots of workwear on sale, some up to 70% off
- Talbots – Anniversary event, 25% off your entire purchase — Free shipping, no minimum, 9/19 only
- Target – Car-seat trade-in event through 9/28 — bring in an old car seat to get a 20% discount on other baby/toddler stuff.
- Tuckernuck – Friends & Family Sale – get 20%-30% off orders (ends 9/19).
- White House Black Market – 40% off select styles
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Heterochromia
I’m a student in my final year of university. Through my school I did a work placement. For my final review the only non positive feedback I received was that my ‘eyes are distracting’. I have heterochromia, one of my eyes is blue and the other is brown. The supervisor from my work placement verbally told me he would be reluctant to hire someone like me unless they wore a contact to make their eyes match. When I spoke to my professor he told me the supervisor has a point and my eyes could be distracting to clients, in a bad way. Where I’m located I would need a prescription for contacts, even if they are just the kind that change color without correcting vision. I don’t have insurance to cover that. I don’t want to wear a contact when there is nothing wrong with my vision or eyes. Is having two different color eyes really so unprofessional?
August
Wow…I don’t know what to say…speechless
Wildkitten
Nope! Having two different color eyes is AWESOM and not remotely unprofessional. JSFAMO.
Wildkitten
*AWESOME
Anondc
huh? “unprofessional”???? that makes literally no sense – its not a choice for your eyes to look this way. Please dont change your eye color and do ignore these absurd comments. Yes, people may notice and perhaps have comments but that isnt your problem. Just focus on being a great, competent employee. Im so sorry you had to hear that BS.
Anonymous
Wtf? That’s discrimination and total BS.
Jules
Agree, this is a bizarre comment and that your natural appearance is not something you need to “correct.” However, as a labor and employment attorney I don’t believe it would be actionable discrimination, unless you could show that an employer considered it to be a disability. Discrimination based on personal appearance (other than skin color that would implicate race, say, or visible manifestations of an actual disability) is not unlawful. Just BS.
lsw
That seems insane. I would definitely not “correct” this “issue.”
Coach Laura
One of the most successful women I know has the same thing. She probably pulls down $500,000 a year as an insurance agent/investment specialist. Don’t listen to anyone who says that you can’t be successful because of this.
Your supervisor and your professor are unprofessional to even mention this. Are you in the US?
This characteristic in no way affects job performance and someone’s personal physical characteristics (hair/eye color, skin color, height, weight, age) should never be a factor in hiring as long as it doesn’t affect their ability to do the job (i.e. height requirements for flight attendants, firefighters, police officers).
Heterochromia
Thanks to everyone who responded to my post. I feel much better now. Happy Friday.
lawsuited
Focus on the other feedback you got – you can safely assume that the comment about your eyes was a weird outlier.
S in Chicago
For what it’s worth, I think that’s what makes Mila Kunis. Otherwise, she would look rather ordinary. I know you already know this, but please don’t let some stupid comment like that trip you up for even a second. That’s just as silly as saying “Clients might not like someone with red hair.” Just ridiculous.
Anonymous
Not Mila Kunis. But yes to Kate Bosworth.
Anonymous Preggo
Out of curiosity, where do you live? I have a really hard time imagining someone in the US saying this, but I can totally see it in some other countries I’ve been to.
As an American, I agree with all the comments to just ignore this total BS statement, but I also think that the reality is other countries can be very conservative about appearances (esp for women), so there could be merit…nto saying you should follow the advice, but that you might just have to be aware of its potential impact.
And I will completely reiterate that it’s absolutely not right, though.
Heterochromia
I live in Chicago. Truthfully I was also surprised when it was said to me (twice)
Chi-Land Anon
I’m shocked! We’re supposed to be so liberal and progressive over here. Be happy you won’t have to work for someone who would think to not hire you for as silly a reason as your natural appearance.
Good luck! And as others have said, focus on the other feedback you got.
Anonymous
contacts that change your eye color are really really bad for your eyes. Even the prescription ones have the lowest levels of oxygen transmission and low ability to keep your eyes moist. I really do not think that this is an issue. I have a grey streak that I was born with and very dark brown hair. Most people if they say anything about it, just say how much they like me ‘highlight’ and when they find out its natural just love it even more. Your eyes sound awesome, so just keep one being awesome.
bridget
That’s absurd.
However, if you have any desire to lessen the effects of your eyes, there may be non-prescription eyeglasses or make-up tricks (bold lip? Guessing here) that could take the focus off your eyes.
Spirograph
I worked with someone who had eyes of 2 different colors, and beyond thinking it was really cool, I don’t think I ever paid any attention. So bizarre that people who should know better would try to make it an “issue.” Memorable? yes. Distracting? no.
KT
I’m speechless and horrified on your behalf.
That is ridiculous and horrible that someone would say that to you. “I’d be reluctant to hire someone like you” because of eye color?
That’s asinine.
Leave your beautiful eyes alone and ignore these dingbats.
Gail the Goldfish
That’s the most bizarre comment ever. Ignore it. Also, considering I wikipedia’d heterchromia and it gave me a long list of actors/actresses with it that I have never noticed despite seeing in giant movie theater screens, I doubt most people even notice. (Or I’m just clueless)
Anonymous
I think what was said to you is stupid.
However, I know people who have said to me that they wouldn’t want to hire someone who was fat or who dressed “frumpy” or who had kids or who was a vegan or who was a smoker etc. Your work placement dude (who you might want to use as a reference) has given you feedback that is stupid but also possibly relevant. It costs you maybe $50 a month to change your eye colour with a contact. It’s a much smaller and more possible change than a lot of the changes some of us would need to make ourselves more employable. As a woman of colour who is carrying twenty pounds extra post baby and who has a baby and a toddler I know I am virtually unemployable where I live. It’s unfair but that is life.
Get the contacts. Your people will give you better references if you respond to their criticism and who knows, work study man might even have a job for you.
Anonymous
My son has blue-gray hetrochromia, and I read somewhere that Benedict Cumberbatch does, too.
Editrix
My son has blue-gray hetrochromia, and I read somewhere that Benedict Cumberbatch does, too.
Anonymous
I know it’s common in Biglaw for attorneys (especially newer associates) to work long hours, pull all nighters and answer calls and emails from work while at home during all hours, but how common is for assistants to be expected to do the above? Should an assistant be working the same or longer hours than the attorneys and routinely pulling all nighters and answering calls and emails in the middle of the night? Is this sort of thing only supposed to happen in ’emergency’ situations or is it routine?
mascot
This may happen in emergencies, but shouldn’t be routine, IMO. Most law firms I’ve worked at keep pretty strict tabs on when the staff was working and would talk to the attorneys if their staff was putting in too much overtime. If it was something for a client that could be billed, that was okay, but they weren’t happy to have to eat overtime for the attorney being inefficient or unreasonable. I’d speak to your supervisor and get some guidance here.
anon chi biglaw
This is not common at all in my biglaw office. The assistants may leave 20-30 minutes late once a month or s0 if they are helping to get something out, and maybe once a year there will be some sort of emergency where they stay late…… but yeah no that is not common. Our assistants also don’t answer email out of the office.
anon
For sure, no. The lawyers, yes. Assistants, absoltuely not. I’d say “emergency” with a caveat that it’s a big one.
Occasional staying late to put together a closing set, sure. But nothing crazy.
Signed, person with experience in a two big new york firms
Anonymous
Nine years in biglaw. Never. I have to get approval from HR in advance if I want my assistant to stay for any overtime at all, and odds are that my request will be rejected. And once my assistant has left for the day, that’s it.
Anonymous
At my big law firm, assistants aren’t able to install firm email on their smartphones, tablets etc. and there is no expectation they check it when they are out of the office. I think that they are paid hourly and so there are overtime issues if they are checking email when they are not working. (Not an employment attorney.)
That said, I am a litigator and my expectation is that my assistant will be available to work late if needed to get a filing done. I try to avoid keeping her late but it is not always within my control.
Snick
Also, if assistants work over 40 hours per week, they are entitled to overtime pay at time-and-a-half (in the US). Assistants at my small firm are generally pretty happy to put in a few overtime hours now and then because of the extra money. Attorneys are generally salaried and don’t receive overtime pay.
S
Of course, this isn’t necessarily true. An exempt salaried assistant wouldn’t get overtime.
Anonymous
But I don’t think an assistant could ever be exempt. They don’t meet the definition of the term
Anonymous
Thank you everyone. I’ll definitely speak with my supervisor. I finished school last fall and only started working as an assistant at the start of the year. Before I worked as a receptionist so I knew it was demanding for the attorneys but I never noticed it being so for the assistants. I’ve worked about 500 hours since the start of the year plus all the extra time I’ve spent on calls and emails at home. I didn’t want to complain without being sure I was in right.
Anonymous
Are you an assistant or a paralegal? I would only ever call my assistant at home in the most dire of circumstances (i.e., it’s 9:30 and I cannot work the scanner and eek this has to be filed tonight). And frankly I wouldn’t expect her to answer. If you work at a big enough firm, there should be people who handle the freak outs like I just described overnight/after hours. If you’re not at that big a firm, they may ask you, but again, I would not expect a response from my assistant after 5pm.
Anonymous
You are likely owed substantial overtime compensation. Document the h3ll out of all your extra hours. Do not sign jack releasing your potential claim without having someone (an atty) look it over. They may try to give you a release to sign and dangle a rather large check in front of you, but you may be owed a much larger check. In my state, more than 8 hours a day or 40 hours a week is time and a half, and anything over 12 hours a day or 60 hours a week is double time.
Anonymous
Not an employment lawyer, but is she entitled to overtime if she’s taking calls and emails at home over night without being instructed to do so? If she’s voluntarily responding to emails, without that being part of her job description, I would be surprised if that entitles her to overtime. She seems to desperately need to get clarification on what’s expected of her here, because I fear she may be doing a lot of work for free…
Anonymous
I am answering the calls and emails because I was instructed to. I an not a paralegal, I’m an assistant. I assist a team of three people. The reason I was asking here was to get clarification if my situation was normal (being asked to answer calls at home and pull long hours) before I said anything. I didn’t think it was unless it was a once in a while true emergency. I am being paid overtime but the long hours, weekend work and feeling like I’m never off the clock is getting to me.
emeralds
If she’s in an employee classification that’s eligible for overtime, her employer is legally required to be pay her for all work that she does.
Anonymous
Is this a small firm? If it is, I’d guess that your supervisor is already well aware of the issue and they just expect that someone will be desperate enough for the job that they’ll put up with it, at least in short bursts and they’ll keep hiring to replace as they consider it cheaper than hiring a second assistant or an associate to handle the after hours workload. Maybe it’s just me, but I’d do a little investigating on whether this is just the culture before talking to your supervisor. This may be one of those situations where you just start looking for a new job and don’t risk being shown the door before you’re ready because they frame your standing up for yourself to label you as “not a team player.”
Anonymous
Paralegals and legal assistants, yes. Assistants, no
Anon
Dear Hive,
I’m dealing with a very scary situation and am writing anonymously for this. I’m hoping for some outside perspectives but feel there are few people in my real life I can tell about this. I do not want to worry my family or discuss with anyone I have professional interactions with.
For the past few months, the ex girlfriend of one of my male friends has been threatening to have me harmed (raped, killed, etc.). She believes that her relationship with my friend broke up because of me and is convinced that he and I were having an affair. This is patently untrue. Regardless, this woman is unpredictable, mentally ill, and of real concern to me. She has previously physically assaulted my friend and tried to light his apartment on fire. I believe that she’s capable of legitimate harm. These threats are coming through text message and email, and both of us are receiving strange calls from blocked numbers.
We have gone to the police on three separate occasions. They’ve warned her twice – the first time over the phone, the second in person. She doesn’t seem to care and on Sunday wrote an email daring us both to go to the police again. We did on Monday. The police have told us that they’ll speak to her a third time and have told us that we can discuss with the detective about pressing charges, but neither my friend nor I are sure whether this is the best course of action. We’re worried about even worse retaliation if we do. Has anyone been through a situation like this before? Would you recommend pressing charges? What precautions would you be taking if you were me? Any support would be appreciated.
Wildkitten
I am so sorry that you are in this situation. My SO was in a similar situation and found the police to be extremely unhelpful.
There are probably a lot of things to do here, but one is that you need a restraining order. You can contact a women’s shelter for help on how to get one.
Wildkitten
A domestic violence group can probably also help you with other precautions you should take, like changing your cell phone number. I don’t know all of the steps you should take like that, but they would.
Anon
Rachel, Wilma and Ollis response to WIldkitten (may not have listed all the rude ones bc I’m on my mobile and had to scroll up repeatedly to comment) are awful and unkind, particularly in response to such a serious topic.
Kat G
Those are all trolls (at least, the instigators are); sorry they slipped through!
Baconpancakes
Um, what?
Irene
Um, what?
Wilma
Swallows what?
NYNY
I’m not a lawyer, and I’m sure the protocols vary by state or locality, but shouldn’t you be able to get a restraining order against her? You have a trail of texts and emails to prove the threats.
DE lawyer
+1. In some states, restraining orders are only available to intimate partners or blood relatives. In the event that you do not qualify for this type of relief, you should absolutely press charges. This type of behavior undoubtedly qualifies as harassment, or even stalking, in most states.
Solo
Criminal lawyer here. Of course you should definitely think about getting a restraining order and/or harassment order (depending on the state), but don’t automatically do it if you think it will push her over the edge. Many people (mostly men, but still) are served with restraining orders and that is the match that lights the fire. People like this do not necessarily care about legality. That said, based on everything you know about her, if you think a restraining order will scare her off and end this thing, by all means do it. It’s very fact/person-dependent.
Anon
Hello all – thank you for your responses!
Yes, the reason why I’m so stumped about what to do next is that this woman quite clearly does not care about the legal ramifications of her actions. She continues to send us date and time stamped messages from her personal email. In those emails she dares us to call the police and writes out explicit threats. I think a restraining order might end up inciting instead of deterring her. I feel helpless.
anon
I’ve done criminal law and domestic violence pro-bono work in multiple states, and I have to disagree. While it can further enrage an abuser, I’ve never actually seen that happen. I have, however, seen police and judges take the violation of an order of protection a lot more seriously than they take harassment.
If you honestly believe that she may harm you, you need to press charges. Once she’s arrested, if she keeps it up, she will eventually end up in jail. Threatening you is a crime. (In some states, like NY, there is a specific crime for threatening someone over phone or internet). Every time she does it, it is a new crime.
Shayla
This +1,000
Sarabeth
Call a domestic violence hotline. I know this isn’t standard DV, but they will have the best expertise in your area, and the training to know how to handle stalkers. They may be able to refer you to a lawyer to help with a restraining order (although those are not necessarily effective in this kind of situation) and walk you through the big safety concerns.
JEB
Definitely get a restraining order. That way there will be consequences if she continues to contact you. And I would look up “safety planning” for domestic violence victims. A lot of the concepts will be helpful (for example, varying your route to work, planning for safety in your home, etc.). There may come a time where getting involved with the criminal justice system becomes necessary. If she has pending criminal charges against her and continues to contact you, there’s a chance she could be detained pending trial, especially considering her history of physical violence. So sorry you’re going through this.
Gift of Fear
+1 to all of the recommendations you’ve gotten so far, and also, I’d recommend reading Gavin de Becker’s “The Gift of Fear.” His take on domestic violence is… not awesome… but the rest of the book is supremely helpful (and was helpful to me personally in an ex-turned-mild-stalker situation I dealt with a few years back).
MargaretO
+1
I think this is a must read for everyone, but especially in your situation.
Bluestocking
The book is really helpful.
Anonymous
Can you look up whether your local district attorney’s office has a witness aid services unit? They might be able to give you some advice and/or help you develop a safety plan.
Anon
No advice to add but just wanted to say that I hope you stay safe and you seem incredibly brave in the face of a scary situation. Best of luck.
Very anon for this
Controversial topic. Has anyone gone through or considered IVF for the sole purpose of choosing a child’s gender? The procedure is banned in other countries but as I learned recently, it is allowed in the US.
DH and I have two beautiful girls and we’d love to have a boy. DH in particular has always wanted a son and I grew up in a house full of brothers so I’d like my girls to have a brother as well. I always wanted at least one of each. But I’m torn on the ethics of this. Part of me feels like we would be playing G*d and that we’re being selfish when others try so hard to conceive a child, period.
We have looked into adoption and decided against it. We would want to adopt a child from the country where we are from, and we have been told by an adoption agency that due to various factors, the youngest child we could adopt would be about 4 years old. We were hoping for an infant/young toddler.
My gut is telling me we should not do this but I’m curious if anyone has considered or gone through a similar procedure.
Anonymous
I’m not comfortable with this idea because of all the what-ifs. What if you were meant to have another daughter who completes your family? What if you have a boy and he’s awful? (Kind of joking, but you get my point.) But, I’m not a parent and I can’t say what works best for your family.
Anonymous
I’m actual not opposed to this but I think you need to think very carefully about the consequences for your family balance long term vs the immediate procedure of how you get there. It’s a bit like focusing on the wedding and not the marriage.
I feel intentional conceiving a child of a particular gender often put a lot of pressure on the same gendered child to be very traditionally gender typical. How will your DH feel if the son likes playing with his sisters’ dolls or wants to take ballet like them instead of playing football? Will your DH be less interested in playing ball or roughhousing with the daughters?
As a mom with two boys and one girl – I would say that I totally understand that your DH wants a son but I think you need to have some serious conversations about his expectations of the outcome of the process and how he envisions your family changing vs the procedure itself.
Anonymous
“I feel intentional conceiving a child of a particular gender often put a lot of pressure on the same gendered child to be very traditionally gender typical. How will your DH feel if the son likes playing with his sisters’ dolls or wants to take ballet like them instead of playing football? Will your DH be less interested in playing ball or roughhousing with the daughters?”
+1 million. This is my biggest problem with the idea. Getting a son isn’t any guarantee that you’re getting a boy who likes sports and will grow up to like women, or even that you’re getting a child that will grow up to be a man. You need to think long and hard about this and whether you would still want to do this if you knew you were getting a boy that defies gender norms. If the answer is no, I don’t think you should do it.
Anon
THIS. My BIL and DIL did this, only with the genders reversed (they had 2 boys and really wanted a girl). My niece is the most rough and tumble tomboy who hates dresses and anything pink or glittery. If I was to tell about the three of them with stating a gender it is probable that you would assume my niece sounded more like a stereotypical boy than my nephews did. It’s definitely something to think about before you go ahead with the procedure.
Anon
BIL and *SIL
Very anon for this
Here’s a relevant article:
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/09/17/gender-selection-_n_1889991.html
BeenThatGuy
I’m totally supportive of this. I had a friend that did something similar. She’s a carrier for a rare genetic disorder that only affects boys. After having to a terminate a pregnancy mid-second trimester of a boy that had the disorder (very serious/critical condition), she said never again would she take that risk. She did IVF so she only had girls. Three healthy daughters later and she’s never been happier.
Go for it; whatever your reasons.
Anonymous
I have family friends who had that same issue (tay-sachs carrier and had a boy who passed before he was a year old). That to me is a whole different story than just “wanting” a boy/girl. I understand the technology is the same, but the ethical issues are miles apart in my mind.
Anonymous
That is a TOTALLY different situation. Selecting for one sex because the other sex is susceptible to a genetic disease is night and day from selecting a particular sex because you want that sex, and has none of gender stereotyping grossness associated with the latter.
Spirograph
Agree this is comparing apples and oranges. Embryo selection to avoid a genetic disease incompatible with life has nothing (beyond process) to do with embryo selection “because we want a a boy.”
Anon
The technology is there. Why not use it?
That’s like saying someone who has elective b^reast implants is less deserving of them than a cancer patient who has a double mastectomy and chooses b^reast implants.
A choice is a choice and for no one else to judge the reason behind the choice.
Anonymous
Well, actually I do think someone who has elective implants is less deserving of them than a cancer patient. That’s not to say I think people shouldn’t be allowed to get elective implants, because sure, do whatever you want, but if I had one set of implants to give and was choosing between a cancer patient and someone who wanted them just for fun, I would certainly choose to give them to the cancer patient.
But more importantly, I don’t think it’s a good analogy because elective plastic surgery, while some may deem it shallow, doesn’t run the risk of harm to anyone other than the patient. As lots of people explained, elective IVF may hurt the existing kids who believe they are the “wrong” gender and may also hurt the IVF baby if it doesn’t identify with or stereotypically conform to the gender its parents expected it to be.
Anonymous
The technology is also there for us to let our employers know every website we’ve ever visited, and give law enforcement access to every one of our e-mails, texts, saved notes to self, etc. Why not use it, huh?
Spirograph
The technology is there for a lot of things that are considered unethical when applied to human reproduction. see also: CRISPR
I just think gender selection for vanity — because let’s be frank, that’s a reasonable analogy — is a slippery slope. In the end, only a small group of people will ever know if the OP or anyone else uses this means of family planning. To each his own, and I wish them and their families nothing but happiness. But it feels icky to me, and there’s a reason it’s banned in many non-US countries.
Wildkitten
I normally believe a choice is a choice. However, in this situation, the OP asked our opinions. She seems to want perfection and think the right sex child will get her that. Much like someone who thinks breast implants will fix everything, I think she should seek therapy and talk it out before making such a huge decision.
Solo
I am personally against gender selection. You do you of course. However, I’m curious why you have closed the door on adoption. Why is your home country so important? Why is an older child less desirable? Your gender-selected son could grow up to be a serial killer. It’s ALWAYS a crapshoot.
Factors
Good points, and it also seems like you have a lot of qualifications for this hypothetical child. In order to adopt, the child must be young enough, must be male, must be from the right country. If you adopt an infant, in a few years guess what he’ll be? Four years old. I don’t understand why a four year old is so undesirable. Or why an infant from another country is undesirable. People have many reasons for wanting another child, but your qualifications do not sound consistent with good reasons to grow a family.
OP
Thanks for the responses so far. DH and I are persons of color, from a minority religion, minority language, and our home country has tremendous poverty. So it’s important to us that we adopt from that country. As for the older child question, based on the people we have spoken with who have adopted, it seems that the bonding is much much easier when the child is young. I’m sure there are exceptions of course, but a 4 year old has already developed deep relationships with caregivers and I think it would be a hard adjustment (for all involved) to suddenly go to a new family at that time.
Anonymous
It’s really hard if not basically impossible, with international adoption, to adopt a young baby. Go with domestic/private adoption if a newborn is your priority.
Nope
This is not true. Depends on the country. We adopted a 8 month old baby from Central America.
Anonymous
Couldn’t you adopt a baby who is a member of your racial minority domestically? Language won’t be an issue if you get the child as an infant; you can raise it bilingual. Religion too is determined by the adoptive parents. That would seem to address everything except the issue of alleviating your home country’s poverty, which you won’t do anyway if you have the baby by IVF.
OP
We have looked into this. Unfortunately, no. Very very hard to find a baby domestically with our ethnic background.
Anonymous
But it’s either adopting from that country because it is so poor or not adopting at all? THere are plenty of other poor countries.
Sasha
I see no reason with wanting to adopt of her particular background. I feel similarly, I could only see myself adopting from my specific East African country because of the immediate connection of ethnic background. Ultimately, you’d want a successful adoption and similar backgrounds can aid that.
anon
FWIW, I’m a minority of a couple different types, and if I ever adopt I’d want to adopt a minority child in the US. Successful adoption rates for minority babies in the US (esp black babies) is much, much lower than it is for white babies. The ostensible reason for this is that most people who adopt are white and most families want a kid who looks like them. It’s also much expensive and less of a wait to adopt a minority child in the US, and it’s easier to get a baby. I read a lot about this when I was thinking about whether I’d have an abortion or put my kid up for adoption if I ever got pregnant before I was ready, and it was really disheartening that my kid would have such poor prospects for adoption because of my background. Even with the incentives to adopt minority kids, many more of them get put into the system since they can’t find adoptive parents.
FWIW
There are unique challenges in transracial adoption, too. My husband and I are both Caucasian, have considered transracial adoption, and are struggling with whether or not we think we could adequately ensure that a child felt connected to their background.
Also know that some agencies that do domestic adoption of newborns do not allow you to gender select – the theory is that you are adopting a child, not a product.
Killer Kitten Heels
OP, your comments in this thread are leaving me with the impression (fair or not) that this whole have/adopt a third child thing is way more about the “perfect family” picture in your/your husband’s head than it is about any desire to be a parent to another child, and I’d think long and hard about whether that’s what’s happening here before going any further down the adoption/IVF route.
Me too
I read it this way, too. The more you clarify, the more it sounds like there are things you’re trying to fulfill other than welcoming and loving whatever child you’re fortunate enough to get. Not saying you wouldn’t welcome and love any child– but it sounds like you don’t want just ANY child, and I’m not sure that’s a good reason to do what you’re considering.
Anonymous
Yeah. You don’t get to custom design your dream child. If you feel a strong pull to have a biological baby, do it naturally and take your chances on sex. If having a boy is your biggest priority, adopt and accept that the baby may not be a perfect ethnic match but will be raised with your language, religion and culture.
Solo
You asked for responses, so here it is: I hate people like you. I’m a minority too. Your skin color is irrelevant to loving a child, and you’re already going to be bad parents.
Sasha
Way harsh Tai!
Killer Kitten Heels
What are you saying to your daughters about their value and worth in the family by doing this? I get that we all have fantasies about what the “ideal” family would look like, but you’re talking about investing tons of time and money into unnecessary medical procedures just to make sure your next baby is the “right” gender. I’m sure you’ll come up with some sappy narrative about “completing the family” or whatever to explain what you’re doing to your daughters, but kids aren’t stupid – investing all that time and energy into making sure your next baby is, well, the opposite of the children you already have is going to say a lot more to them about what you think of them than you realize, or than you probably intend. Please don’t let your personal fantasy of the “perfect” family harm the one you already have by making your girls feel like they’re somehow not “complete” enough for you on their own.
Anonymous
+1
Also, a hypothetical son won’t replace the brothers you grew up with.
Anonymous
THIS.
emeralds
I really agree with this.
Anonymous
This is a good point, but just to offer a piece of anecdata as kind of a counterpoint: I have a friend who was the youngest of three girls growing up. She said her parents (or at least her dad) desperately wished for a boy and pressed her into tomboy-ish activities from a young age and sort of tried to “make” her a boy. It was clear they would not have had a third child, but for trying to have a son, and she very much felt like she was not the kind of kid they wanted. Her parents ended up having a fourth child, who was a boy, when she was ~10 (an oops baby I think) and she said her life got so much better at that point, because they let her be who she was. It doesn’t sound like OP or her husband are doing this to their daughters, but just wanted to point out that in some situations finally having the baby of the desired gender is a blessing to the existing kids.
Anonymous
This is such a hard line though. I mean, it seems like every child I know that is the 3rd or 4th of the same gender in a family in a row always has a little bit of a niggling thought that the parents “kept trying” for that other gender, true or not. Whether the OP gender selects or not, if she has another, this third baby will think they tried for a boy.
Anonymous
I agree there’s always a nagging wonder about whether the parents kept trying to just to get the opposite gender. But in my friend’s case, it was more than that, it was also that her parents pushed her into wearing boy-ish clothes and doing sports and stuff like that.
Anonymous
Ok, that is creepy. (BTW, have you seen ‘How I Met Your Mother’? There’s a whole story line about that with the character Robin and her dad.)
Anonymous
My family is 2 girls and a boy. When my mom was pregnant for the 3rd time my parents pretty much assumed they’d have 3 girls and my parents only wanted to “go for 3” if they were OK with either gender. They couldn’t find out the gender on the US (or didn’t have one-I don’t remember) but my mom had a complication-related Uktrasound 3 weeks before my brother was born and they were basically in shock over a boy and had to scramble to choose a name.
My brother didn’t grow up as “the third girl that wasn’t” and my sister is the biggest tomboy of the three of us. But mainly, my parents wanted 3 kids and didn’t care the makeup.
Anon
+1000 I’m one of six – the first five being girls. My parents didn’t use IVF, but we did find books around the house about various methods for upping the odds of conceiving a particular gender right before my mom became pregnant with… our brother. We may have been kids, but we weren’t dumb. It bothered me. We were thrilled to get a brother, but it definitely made it feel like we weren’t enough in some way. And no surprise, my “golden boy” brother found a million ways to disappoint my parents! A lot of pressure on him too.
Anonymous
Wow that’s dedication to the cause! Six kids! My uterus just revolted ;).
Anonymous
I get the sense that the country of your heritage values having a son above and beyond a daughter. I have a friend with a cultural background like that. She’s the oldest and has several sisters and one brother, who is the youngest. They’re all obviously aware that their parents kept trying until they got a boy, and she’s remarked on how her younger sisters were really bothered by the feeling that they were “speedbumps” on the way to their father’s son. Anecdote, obviously, but I can only imagine this feeling would be magnified if you add IVF to the mix. The alternative, I guess, is to hide the fact of IVF from your daughters, but I can’t imagine that family secret would never get out.
Do you ONLY want a third child if it is male? Would you try for a fourth or fifth if you needed to? FWIW, there are – albeit imperfect – natural gender selection methods out there — some of the numbers I’ve seen for timing ovulation/conception carefully are as high as 80% success in “choosing” a boy.
Hmmm
KKH, would you say the same if the genders were reversed here, and OP wanted a girl? I have two boys and love them, but I’d be kidding myself if I said that I didn’t want a girl. For any mom who has 2 or more kids, I think it’s pretty universal to have a desire to have one of each gender. I don’t see how my wanting to have a girl hurts the feelings of my sons. I love them to death, but boys and girls are different. Period. My wanting a girl doesn’t mean that I don’t love my sons any less. I don’t get this argument.
Killer Kitten Heels
Wanting a child of the sex opposite to the children that you have is natural, and I am absolutely not saying it means you love your kids any less. What I think is damaging to existing children is what OP is proposing – namely, spending nearly a year’s worth of college tuition on obtaining a child that is explicitly the opposite sex of the existing kids in the name of some sort of “family ideal” or “completeness.” It’s not about the wanting – it’s about the (IMHO) extreme lengths OP is talking about going to in order to obtain the desired result. Putting all that time and effort and money into a certain thing, a thing that is the literal opposite of your existing children, is the part that I find troubling, and that I think is going to send the wrong message to the existing kids, because you’re basically telegraphing that you’re so unhappy with the status quo – two kids of a particular sex – that you’re willing to go to extremes to make things different. Whether the parents intend it that way or not, I don’t see how kids wouldn’t take it as a commentary on how happy (or rather, unhappy) their parents are with them.
lawsuited
+1 I c have all female siblings, and over the years many people commented to my father “what a shame that you don’t have a boy!” If my father hadn’t responded every time with “I don’t feel that way at all – my girls are the best!” I would not be the happy, confident, unapologetic woman I am today.
Anonymous
Truth. I thought DH would be disappointed that we only have girls and he burst of laughing. “It’s you they will all hate when they are teens, they will love me forever!” he said. And then went to the basement to work on the toy race car he is building with my 6 year old daughter.
Anonymous Preggo
Multiple IVF veteran, though for infertility treatment.
You need to seriously understand and consdier the risks and turmoil associated with IVF before even thinking about heading this path. I suspect the success rate of IVF when there is no associated fertiliy issue is pretty high, but IVF involves some major medical interventions that shouldn’t be taken lightly. The hormone injections themselves carry significant risks (have you ever read stories about egg donors where things go bad?), and there is some evidence (not definitive) that IVF increases the risks of certain birth defects. There are also a myriad of other complications associated with IVF, all of which would be on top of the risks associated with pregnancy itself.
Obviously, I weighted those risks and moved forward with treatment, but for me the alternative was not having biological children with my DH. If the cycle that gave me my daughter (and the frozen embryo that is now my still-gestating son) had not been successful, I probably would have stopped further treatment. I really could not imagine going through IVF just to be able to select the sex of my next child.
anon for this
Another IVF veteran. I don’t see why you would go though treatment if you can get pregnant naturally. It is not a cakewalk. My first transfer didn’t work, which was devastating. I am pregnant now, but it cost over $20k. I also have additional embryos that I’m paying to keep frozen. I will need to make difficult choices about the remaining embryos after we complete our family.
IVF Veteran
Same. I don’t have any moral objection to it, although I think others have made good points about the futility of trying to plan a perfect family.
I did two rounds of IVF, at at total cost of $30,000, and I can tell you exactly how many shots I’ve given myself in the stomach. I would not take at all lightly (not that OP necessarily is) how serious IVF is. I’ve also had two c-sections. The physical and emotional toll of IVF was much worse. And the second time around, I was truly at peace with it not working (we already had twins from the first time; I agreed to try for a third). It was still an emotional toll. I can’t imagine doing that if you don’t need to. And don’t forget the very real pressure that there may be to transfer more than one. Are you prepared for twins? Or none?
Anonymous
Plot twist- son i born transgender
But seriously, don’t do this. Think of the message your girls are going to get, Daddy wanted a son so much more than a daughter that you put yourself at risk to have one. Why wouldn’t another girl be good enough?
Anonymous
Agree, what if the boy is just not into buy stuff, or gay, or transgender? Would you be okay with these things.
I’m suspicious of gender selection. I’m super close with my mother and always wanted a girl, but we ended up adopting a boy – and now I couldn’t care less. He’s perfect and has all the traits I THOUGHT I wanted a girl for (super chatty, sweet, affectionate, loves having dance parties with me, excellent dresser, etc., etc., etc.).
anon
I would actually be less worried if you wanted a girl because let’s face it, baby girl clothes are awesome. My daughter will start asserting her own personality soon, but I got to have fun while it lasted.
I totally get gender disappointment, but I’d let the chips fall where they may.
Anonymous
Not the OP, but I can relate to her. I have two boys and really really really want a girl. I don’t think we would do gender selection but it makes me really sad to think that I won’t have a girl. I think there is just something really special about a mom/daughter relationship.
I think people seem to be attacking the OP a bit here. It’s perfectly understandable why her husband would want a boy. Doesn’t mean they don’t love their girls.
Also, for all the people criticizing her decision not to adopt, have you ever adopted a kid? Pure anecdata, but I know several families that adopted and unfortunately in each the adopted child has some serious developmental/mental health issues. I don’t think adoption can be taken lightly and if I were to adopt, I would also feel more comfortable adopting someone with my racial background (it’s hard enough for adopted kids, why make it harder for them when they don’t look like the rest of the family)
Anonymous
I actually don’t think anyone is attacking the OP. People are pretty reasonably and civilly pointing out problems with IVF gender selection; there have been no personal attacks.
Disappointment about not having a particular gender is totally understandable and is miles away from seriously thinking about using IVF to select the sex of a child.
FWIW, having a daughter is no guarantee of a special mother-daughter bond. I have tons of female friends who have chilly or non-existent relationships with their mothers.
Anonymous
I’m only commenting on mother-daughter relationships heee. Neither my sister or I are particularly close with our mother. We appreciate her, but we don’t talk to her regularly and she is not at all the person I go to when I need emotional support. In fact, she doesn’t know I broke up with my bf weeks ago and I don’t have any burning plans to tell her. More trouble than it’s worth. YMMV on all parent-child relationships.
Meg Murry
Yes, I’m in the same boat. I have two boys, and I always imagined being the parent of a girl. Especially since we weren’t able to find out if my last son was a boy or girl until he was born – I still sometimes feel sad for the girl I imagined he could have been when he was still inside me (to be fair, I imagined both a girl and a boy, and when my son was born, I loved him, but I still felt a little bit like I had lost that dream daughter).
And there is a tiny part of me that might be willing to go for the third if I could be guaranteed a girl – more because I would love to have an adult daughter someday now that I see how my relationship with my mother is so much different than my husband and BIL’s is with their mother. But I know that:
-Adding another kid would probably stretch my sanity and marriage dangerously thin
-I have no guarantee of a girl and would just as likely end up with a 3rd boy
-Even if I did have a daughter, there is no guarantee that we would be close or that she would be anything like me. And my sister and I weren’t exactly easy on our parents, so I worry that I would “screw up” a girl in a way that I don’t worry so much about with my boys.
But overall, yes, I do still mourn that dream daughter. But now I have a young niece to spoil, and I hope someday to have a daughter-in-law or two that at least doesn’t hate me (and I remind myself of this every time I am tempted to me less than nice to my MIL, because in my heart I believe karma is a b*tch). So I can see how OP feels, if she and her husband had always imagined their life with at least one boy. But I don’t know that it’s enough to go down such a drastic path as IVF.
Anonymous
My son’s friend is in foster care because daddy wanted her to be a boy. She doesn’t have to do judo or wrestle anymore. I wanted my son to be in band, but he chose sports. We don’t get to pick our kids! We only get to love them.
Anonymous
Yeah that’s hella selfish. Why do you need a boy? Like, really, why?
anonethicist
My impression is that their cultural background is one that values boys over girls, perhaps for inheritance and religious/ cultural practices. In many part of the world where the traditions are practiced (and sex-selective abortions are practiced), women/ girls are treated pretty shabbily.
Please don’t do this to your girls, telling them they are not enough. Girls have enough obstacle in this world without being under appreciated at home.
If your family is incomplete without a third child, conceive naturally and let the chips fall where they may. IVF to avoid sex-linked genetic traits incompatible with life is COMPLETELY different than IVF for sex selection, and raises all kinds of potential for harm to the existing children, and any children that may be conceived this way.
~~ a professionally trained ethicist
Anonymous
+1 It wouldn’t surprise me if OP was from some country with a Muslim population that values sons.
Anon100
There are plenty of non-Muslim countries that values sons.
S*x versus gender
Let’s get back to the basics. You can choose a child’s S*X, not their gender. Gender is the set of social norms, expectations, and rules governing how females and males can act in society. If you are saying you would like a female child so you can raise her to conform to femininity’s expectations, i.e., raise her to wear pink and be submissive and like Barbie dolls, it will probably backfire and isn’t very good for women.
S*x versus gender
ETA: Obviously wearing pink is the tip of the iceberg and Western-centered, but it’s just an example. Match it to whatever your expectations are for girls and women and assess.
Anonymous
I feel you. I would LOVE to have a little girl, but life has given me three boys who I adore. But it feels like the motherhood I envisioned was full of dolls and braids and dresses, not trucks and cars.
If I could pay $30K for a biological daughter, I would gladly do it.
But: I hate being pregnant. I hate giving my body over to nursing. So another pregnancy + $30K is unappealing.
Plus, I am a Catholic. I’m prochoice…but not for myself. I couldn’t make embryos that are my babies and discard all but one or two. (And I really do not want twins or more than one extra child.)
So right now I think we’re done. If I really still want a daughter in a few years, maybe we’ll adopt.
Anonymous
I personally think gender selection is not for me. However, that’s for me not for you. You do you.
I think this area is super controversial though so you might not want to share this in real life. Or perhaps you do so that you can bring attention to it as honestly people make these decisions all the time.
Anonymous
I’m on the hunt of a good pair of black ballet flats but I’m having trouble finding a pair that don’t pinch in the toe box. Any suggestions?
Kate
Cole Haan Manhattan
http://www.colehaan.com/manhattan-ballet-black/D41094.html?dwvar_D41094_color=Black&dwvar_D41094_width=B#cgid=womens_shoes_balletswedges&start=9
Shopaholic
I recently bought a nice of black Louise et Cie flats that are actually really supportive. Also check out the Cece flats at J.Crew
Sydney Bristow
I need some new book ideas. I’m a binge reader so I like finding a series I can really get into.
What are you favorite book series? Or an author you can’t get enough of?
Mine are:
JK Rowling – loved Harry Potter and am into the Cormoran Strike novels enough to read them all although I don’t think they are as great as other people do
Janet Evanovich – Stephanie Plum series and Lizzy and Diesel series
Gillian Flynn – all her books (I wish she would write faster!)
Clive Cussler – all his series (Dirk Pitt, NUMA files, Oregon Files, Isaac Bell, Fargo Adventure)
James Rollins – all his books but especially the Sigma Force series and Order of the Sanguines
NYC tech
The four-book Aegypt series by John Crowley. Different in many ways than the others you’ve listed, but so so so good.
Sydney Bristow
That looks interesting. Going on the list! Thanks
lsw
I don’t know if your YA Fantasy is limited to Harry Potter, but I really enjoyed Maria Snyder’s “Study” series. The first one is Poison Study. They are a really light read.
Sydney Bristow
Not limited to Harry Potter! I liked the Divergent series (the first two, at least) and got sucked into the Twilight books.
emeralds
Ooh that looks right up my alley!
Not YA, but if we’re going with series, I really enjoyed Deborah Harkness’s All Souls trilogy. They were an entertaining but not suffocatingly fluffy take on the whole witch/vampire genre. Also love love loved Gail Carriger’s series–I was a little meh on her YA ones, but I adored everything about the Parasol Protectorate and the first Custard Protocol book was really promising! They involve more vampires, werewolves, and steampunk, and are also super-feminist, featuring an unabashedly plus-size heroine.
Right now, I’m working my way through Philippa Gregory’s Cousins’ War series. They’re interesting, unique in my literary experience, and well-researched, but I do occasionally want to run them through the garbage disposal because the main characters can be so difficult to like. Which is not an inaccurate take on the women in question.
lsw
Let me know if you guys like them. I really ended up enjoying them more than I expected – I just checked one out of the library on a whim, and was surprised at how much I got into the series. The concept in the first book is just straight-up different and interesting, and I liked the characters (even if the writing is no great shakes).
Anonymous
Seconding the All Soul’s Trilogy. I tore through them all in a month. It was great fun.
Jules
I love the Lynley/Havers series by Elizabeth George and the Duncan Kincaid/Gemma James series by Deborah Crombie.
And on the Cormoran Strike series, IMO the third (latest) one is the best. I really love Robin and the relationship between the two of them.
All the books by Tana French, which start with In the Woods. They are very slightly interlocking — the lead character of each later books is a sometimes minor character from the previous one — but you don’t need to read them in order.
And everything by Ruth Rendell writing as Barbara Vine. I actually have adored Rendell for years, although her last couple of books before her death were not up to her normal standards, other than the last Inspector Wexford novel (also a great series). The Barbara Vine are psychological suspense/thrillers.
Not the OP but still excited!
Jules,
I LOVE the Lynley/Havers series and the Tana French books!! I am going to look into the rest of the books you recommended as it seems we have similar taste :)
Jules
Oh, good! You might also look for Rage Against the Dying by Becky Masterman. Not an English/Irish writer or story but American, with a great female character, a badass retired FBI agent. (I pictured her as Clarice Starling with gray hair. And, you know, without having taken up with Hannibal Lecter.) The second book, Fear the Darkness, has just come out and I’m on the list for it my library.
On a completely different note, I’m halfway through All the Light We Cannot See and really loving it.
What have you been reading?
Not the OP but still excited!
I am on the last Lynley/Havers book right now. I will be so sad when it is over! I have periodically taken breaks from the series so that I don’t get bored with the writing (that sometimes happens for me when I binge read authors). I loved All the Light We Cannot See. I think that a lot of the books that I have read recently have been because of recommendations on this site. I am pulling from my Kindle history for a selection- “We Are All Completely Beside Ourselves,” “The Short Drop,” “The Paris Architect,” “Ordinary Grace,” “The Girl With No Past,” “Pretty Girls,” “The Perfect Son,””Life and Other Near Death Experiences.”
Coach Laura
I also read Rage Against the Dying by Becky Masterman and her second too. Loved them.
Sydney Bristow
Totally agree with you on the third Strike book being the best. The reason I kept reading was that I liked seeing their relationship develop.
Glad to hear about the Tana French books. I’ve been on the wait list for In the Woods for a few weeks.
CountC
Karin Slaughter’s book Pretty Girls was described to me by a friend as Gillian Flynn-like but more disturbing. I have requested it at my library, but haven’t read it yet. May be worth a shot!
Sydney Bristow
That’s why I requested it from my library too! Still on the waiting list. I hope it is as good as I expect.
CountC
This is why I love the book club I am in (plus all the food and wine). We love the disturbing effed up books! It’s about the only type of fiction I really like. (I am not a serial killer, promise.)
Sydney Bristow
My MIL is obsessed with mysteries, especially the serial killer ones. She has an entire room full of bookshelves with these books. We always joke about what people would think looking at her Amazin history.
lsw
I liked In a Dark, Dark Wood – definitely in the Gillian Flynn/Girl on the Train genre.
Coach Laura
Favorite series – JA Jance’s Ali Reynolds
Others:
Have read all Kathy Reich’s Temperance Brennan series (Bones TV show based on this character)
All of Sara Peretsky’s V.I. Warshawski (similar to Evanovich)
All of Sue Grafton’s Alphabet Series (A is for Alibi is the first, now on X is for …)
Read all of Lisa Scottoline’s Rosato & DiNunzio Novels (legal/mysteries)
All of the above have female protagonists, below are male protagonists
All of Daniel Silva’s Gabriel Allon series
Have read all of David Baldacci’s King&Maxwell, John Puller and Will Robie series (liked King&Maxwell the best)
Sydney Bristow
Ooohh I always forget that Bones is based on her life and books. I really like Bones so I’ll check those out. Looking into all of these recs. Thanks everyone!
Book Lover
I’m reading my way through Kathy Reich’s books. I actually like them better than the TV show (and I consider myself a fan of the tv show.)
I am a big fan of Michael Connelly’s Harry Bosch series and the related lincoln lawyer series. There is also a tv show based on the books on Amazon that is two seasons in.
Coach Laura
Funny, I’ve never watched Bones.
Jules
I forgot Lisa Scottoline! My favorites are the audiobook versions of her legal thriller/mysteries (her more recent novels are good but not as much fun from my perspective) as read by Barbara Rosenblatt.
Anonymous
Funny, light and quick reads “The Not So Secret Emails of Coco Pinchard” by Robert Bryndon I’m halfway through the second one and am thoroughly enjoying it.
Laura | Books & Foods
The Tana French Dublin Murder Squad series is phenomenal!
ace
Agreed! It’s a somewhat-shared setting but different protagonist each time, and I’ve been very impressed how well French manages to change the narration/tone in each book.
padi
Series by Nalini Singh are super addictive. They are more romance novel than not. I really love the Guild Hunter and Rock Kiss series. I’m looking forward to starting the Psy/Changeling series soon!
Anonymous
+1 to Nalini Singh.
Courtney Milan
Sarah Maclean
Diana Gabaldon
J.D. Robb’s In Death series
Suzanne Brockmann Troubleshooters series
Lobbyist
Tana French — 4 detective novels about the Dublin detective squad. Really good.
Atul Gawande — medical writer: has written 2 autobiography types and 2 non fiction types, loved them all
Patricia Cornwall detective novels
NYPD Red series — not great only ok James Patterson and Marshall Karp
John Grisham — detective stuff
Harlen Coben — mystery stuff
Phillipa Gregory — historical fiction
Lee Child — Jack Reacher detective series
Jon Kraukaer — his books arent a series but all really good nonfiction, even though quite different from each other
I really liked the first book in the Divergent Series. REad them all of course but the first was the best.
The Husbands Secret by Liane Moriarty — I dont know if its a series but a great mystery
Turn of Mind by Alice LaPlante — also not a series but also a good mystery
Killer Kitten Heels
I’m totally late to this particular party, but I just chewed through the Octavia E. Butler Xenogensis series in, like, four obsessive days because it was that good. I also really loved the Lunar Chronicles series by Marissa Meyer. It’s YA, but if you liked Harry Potter, this series has a lot of similar elements. The main four books are lengthy, so they’ll keep you busy for awhile, and she’s written a couple of companion novels and novellas as well that’ll round out your reading list.
Anon100
+1 to Lunar Chronicles.
Lynnet
On the sci-fi/fantasy side, you might like Lois McMaster Bujold’s Vorkosigan books (first book is The Warrior’s Apprentice).
Ekaterin Nile
Love the Vorkosigan series. Love love love.
Anonymous
I’d read Shards of Honor first, then Warrior’s Apprentice.
Lynnet
I’ve gone back and forth on which one to recommend as the “first”. I’ve had several people read Shards of Honor, say it wasn’t for them, and then several years later read The Warrior’s Apprentice and fall in love. Either is a perfectly good starting point, and I like Shards better, but *shrugs*.
Anonymous
I tend to be a pretty strict chronologist, so that’s fair :)
Seattle Freeze
There’s a new book out in this series! Gentleman Jole and the Red Queen picks up Cordelia Vorkosigan’s story on Sergyar – quite funny and sweet.
G
A Discovery of Witches – it’s a trilogy and each book is fairly lengthy.
Killer Kitten Heels
Also, add the Book Riot podcasts “Get Booked” and “All the Books” to your listening list – Get Booked answers listener requests for specific types of book recommendations, and All the Books highlights the best new books that come out each week. I’ve been reading tons of books recommended there recently, and I haven’t come across a bad pick yet.
Sydney Bristow
Oh awesome. I like podcasts too and hadn’t come across these. Sounds like a great place for recs. Thanks!
Anonymous
I really like the Outlander Series by Diana Gabaldon. There are at least 7 books in the series, and they are all REALLY long… like 800 pages each. I like the first three or four more than the last few, but it’s a really interesting series that is part historical drama, part romance, part science fiction, part paranormal. The books were recently made into a series on STARZ channel, and it is really very good. The main character Jamie Fraser, is really easy on the eyes!
Anonymous
Things I’ve read recently:
Sarah Donati – Into the Wilderness Series (6 books, I think)
Diana Gabaldon – Outlander
Deborah Harkness – All Souls (starts with A Discovery of Witches)
Ann McCaffrey – Dragonriders of Pern
Hugh Howey – Wool, Shift, and Dust
Anonymous
(there’s an Outlander cameo in the first Sarah Donati book)
Coach Laura
I’ve read the entire Outlander series…estimated at 1,000,000 words!
AK
I love books with a good story and a high word to dollar ratio. The Outlander Series and Into the Wilderness fulfill both of those.
emeralds
Excited to try Into the Wilderness! I got stuck 3/4 of the way through the second Outlander, but I know I should give it another stab at some point.
Anonymous
I’ve read the entire Outlander series multiple times, how many points do I get? :)
blue
Just saw the Chief Inspector Gamache murder mystery series by Louise Perry on the subway book review instagram. Now that’s on my list.
Anne
If you’re looking for a lengthy series, I recommend J. D. Robb’s In Death series.
Shayla
Kat – can you create a Good Reads account and keep track of all these suggestions!!
(Only half joking…)
Shayla
Oops, should have been “!!??” :-)
Anonyhippo
There is one. It’s just very inactive. Maybe if enough people join?
https://www.goodreads.com/group/show/65851-fans-of-the-website-corporette
Anonymous
Yay book thread~
My long-time favorites are Terry Pratchett (fantasy, satire, amazing characters and impeccable world-building all thrown in a blender) and David Eddings (all your favorite fantasy clichés, but somehow turned into something wonderful – and the banter between the characters is a joy).
Mary Roach is one of the best science writers I’ve come across – she has a knack for picking fascinating subjects and writing incredible prose about them.
Juliette Grey’s Marie Antoinette trilogy was a wonderful, emotional read, backed up with a LOT of primary sources, including the queen’s own letters.
Lorelai Gilmore
Oh, I loved the David Eddings books. They were perfect.
Anonymous
I’m actually in the middle of re-reading Polgara The Sorceress for the zillionth time, and I finally found my old copies of the Sparhawk books for after I’m done. I am such a happy little geek.
My dad got me started on Eddings when I was about eleven, and I’m pretty sure I can credit that with my love of fantasy lit as a grownup – reading those books feels like talking to an old friend. :)
Anonymous
I happened onto Eddings because the library had all the books in the series and they were generally available for check out and I was a voracious reader (on a fantasy kick) that needed an author with a backlist. :)
Lorelai Gilmore
Recently beloved YA trilogies:
Queen of the Tearling – still waiting for third book but first two were great.
Girl of Fire and Thorns
Daughter of Smoke and Bones
Recently beloved non-genre fiction:
Liane Moriarty, all
The Admissions, Meg Mitchell Moore
Everything I Never Told You, Celeste Ng
The Ghost Network, Catie Disabato
Kitchens of the Great Midwest, Ryan Stradal
Recently beloved mystery/spy series:
the Maggie Hope books by Susan Ella Macneal
Secret History of the Pink Carnation, by Lauren Willig (This is perfect for binge reading, since there are like 13 of them and they connect)
Recently beloved memoir:
God’s Hotel, by Victoria Sweet
Year of Yes, Shonda Rhimes
Anonymous
Your name always reminds me about how excited I am for the Netflix revival!
emeralds
Snagging some of these. I wish I hadn’t gone to the library and already gotten books today!
Gail the Goldfish
Favorite author is Brandon Sanderson. He’s fantasy/sci-fi (well, really more fantasy), and he’s pretty much the only author I’ll buy in hardcover any more. I don’t think he’s written anything I haven’t liked (and he’s written A LOT. He’s like the anti-George RR Martin in terms of writing time).
Coach Laura
Also, two fun beachy-type reads (about a lawyer) from a poster here who is also a mom/lawyer/writer: Mae Wood’s Risking Ruin and Borrowing Trouble. Mae Wood (nom de plume, I think) posted here, so I think I got the Kindle sample and then purchased both – they were fun. She is working on her third in the series.
MKB
So many great suggestions here, I just maxed out my library’s ‘request’ queue!
A few (series) favorites of mine – series name followed by author and genre:
Detective Inspector Chen, Liz Williams: really unusual fantasy/mystery series
The Laundry Files, Charles Stross: Lovecraft meets James Bond meets IT
Kat Campbell, Todd Ritter: single mother detective
Abhorsen, Garth Nix: YA fantasy
Inheritance, NK Jemisin: fantasy
Benjamin January, Barbara Hambly: historical mysteries set in 1830s New Orleans
Phryne Fisher, Kerry Greenwood: historical mysteries set in 1920s Australia
Newsflesh, Mira Grant: zombies!
Felix Castor, M.R. Carey: supernatural mysteries
The Company, Kage Baker: time travel
Peter Grant, Ben Aaronovitch: supernatural mysteries
Jackson Brodie, Kate Atkinson: mystery
finally, Shadow Unit: http://shadowunit.org/gettingstarted.html
Anonymous
Shadowunit is out in bookform now too. I only have the first one on my kindle, but I like being able to own my own copyright:)
RR
Kate Morton is great. Really smart mysteries with strong female characters.
Anonymous
I love Kelley Armstrong. I went through the Otherworld Series embarrassingly quickly. Well written, entertaining, strong female characters, supportive male characters, interesting plots, not overly violent or sexual. I’m rereading it now.
Pound
If you like Harry Potter, the Magician series by Lev Grossman might be something you’d enjoy. There’s also a bit of Narnia mixed in there, too …
Sydney Bristow
You all are awesome. Thanks for all the suggestions! I should be entertained for a very long time.
Anonymous
I have almost no spring-summer casual clothes that I like. Everything looks either dingy or dated or both.
What are you ladies adding to your wardrobes and planning to wear? What looks current? Looking for specific pieces and general outfit ideas.
Aurora
I also have almost no spring/summer clothes and have gone on a recent buying binge to update my closet (I generally like jewel and fall tones over spring/summer colors, but seeing so many cute spring looks on instagram finally inspired me to give this season another chance). Things I’ve bought recently:
-A dress and blouse in a yellow/blue floral from the Limited. Great to pair with jeans, flats, a cardigan, etc. For me it’s the perfect spring/summer pattern.
– Spring color cardigans (one mint from NY & Co., one cream from Banana on sale)
– A very pale blue Antonio Melani blouse and blazer from Dillard’s
– A couple light gingham/plaid button downs from Amazon (can’t remember the brand)
Still looking for light (but not white) pants. I think these pieces will give me enough options to make my wardrobe feel fresh – pairing the new blouses, cardigans, and blazer with jeans, lighter skirts, and open-toed shoes that I already have.
I would also recommend looking at Modcloth – they have a ton of comfortable jersey dresses that I wear to death in the summer for casual looks (just not quite there weather-wise yet).
Happy wardrobe refreshing! :)
Susie
I like Ann Taylor’s current selection. Lots of pinks, tans, and navies.
For casual wear, open/cold shoulder tops.
Fringe.
Suede.
Baconpancakes
I DGAF about what’s “in” right now because I firmly believe bell bottoms and fringe should be relegated to theme parties, and cold shoulder tops give me horrific flashbacks to high school, but I’m focusing on navy, light blue, and olive combos, with pink thrown in to make my spring/summer wardrobe feel more fresh and current.
I’m a big fan of sleeveless popover tops, lots of linen, and shirt dresses this year.
MM LaFleur vs. Of Mercer
I need a wardrobe update before heading back to work after maternity leave. I have been dying to pare down my wardrobe and have more of a capsule wardrobe of good quality basics that all go together. To that end, I’m considering ordering a ton of clothes from either MM LaFleur or Of Mercer and keeping what works for me.
Any thoughts as to which to go for? FWIW, I’m 5’3″, small of boob. My go-to work uniform is a sheath dress + jacket/blazer (preferably collarless), though I’d like to add in a pair of trousers (no interest in skirts…I hind them less forgiving when my weight fluctuates).
Diana Barry
I found them to be pretty comparable in quality – neither brand fit me well, but since you are shorter you should have better luck. (All the dresses were too short for me.)
anon
MM LaFleur has more machine washable options. They both were great for me. I love them. Order from both and then return! That’s what I did. (5’3″ but larger of boob)
Constant Reader
Do you know how Of Mercer runs as compared to MM LaFleur? For MM I definitely had to go one size up than my normal size.
Anonymous Preggo
Ladies, just want to share a really positive conversation I just had with my boss. I’ve posted a few times in the last couple months about some issues I’ve been having at my new job (major shake up a week before my start date that resulted in having a different boss, more recent working disagreements with my colleague on approach, etc). But I just got off my bi-weekly call with my boss where the agenda was to discuss my role/responsibility, and without my even first suggesting it he basically described the role for me I would have asked for…and articulated exactly how I would self-assess my strengths/weaknesses in general and relative to my colleague (we are both jointly building a new practice group within our company).
Maybe this sounds pretty standard stuff for a decent relationship with your boss, but I took this job after two really bad experiences (and both at large well-known corporations compared to this much smaller one). It’s been years since I’ve had a boss who gave me credit for skills and strengths that are beyond what are obvious from my education. Even if it doesn’t last forever, I just feel somehow “lighter” and more optimistic about my career than I have in a while :)
Senior Attorney
Hooray! What a great way to go into the weekend!
Etiquette question
What’s an appropriate way to thank someone for mentoring/supporting me through undergrad and law school and the interview process afterwards.
I met her when I was a front desk receptionist. She saw me looking at college admission information one time. She encouraged me to apply, assisted me with my application to night school for my undergrad, helped me study, proofread my assignments and then assisted me the same way while I attended law school part time. She gave my advice about balancing school with my job. She also helped me prepare for the bar exam back in February and helped me prepare for interviews. I interviewed for a position at the firm we work at no long ago and I received an offer today.
I don’t even know how to thank her for all she has done. I would like to do something for her. I’m the first person in my family to go to college and my dad cried when I told him I got a job. But I’m at a loss as to how I can thank her or show my gratitude for the 10 years of support she has given me. Any ideas as to what kind of gift I can get for her to say thank you?
Lobbyist
Write this in a nice card. That will mean more than any gift!
NYC tech
Don’t get her a gift. Write a letter to her saying exactly what you said here. Please trust me, this will be so much more meaningful and appreciated than any gift. Even if you think she already knows it, and you’ve already thanked her in other ways, just write the letter. Mentors generally just don’t want, need, or value gifts. But genuine explanation of the impact she’s had can never go wrong.
Anonymous Preggo
DEfinitely write a nice note/card detailing all the ways you’ve appreciated her mentoring/support. One or two specific anecdotes might be especially nice. Flowers or something like that would be a thoughtful addition, but not necessary.
And be sure to keep up the correspondence every once in a while as you progress through your career. I’ve hesitated once or twice to get back in touch with someone to share my progress etc because it’s been too long, but usually I’ve gone through with it. The universal response I’ve gotten has been delight to hear how I’m doing coupled with real appreciation to hear they might have played a role in getting me to where I am.
Delta Dawn
Absolutely agree– write this in a letter and give it to her. Please include the part about your family and your dad. That even made me tear up a little. If you feel like it needs to be with a gift, you could send it with flowers, or a bottle of wine, or a pretty scarf. But really, the letter will mean the most to her.
Senior Attorney
I agree — the letter including most definitely the part about your dad!
And if you must send a gift, how about a fab bottle of champagne to celebrate? I’m partial to Veuve Cliquot.
blue
If you are comfortable with this and it seems appropriate in the circumstances, you may want to Xerox the card you send her and send it to her boss or colleagues as an FYI and way of recognizing her semi-publicly for her generosity.
blue
And, by the way, well done! You sound like a remarkable person to have juggled so many responsibilities so graciously all these years.
Tigermom
A card detailing above would be the best gift!
One student who I assisted throughout the years gave me a small framed picture of a tree. She attached a very thoughtful note thanking me for my help and explaining a tree does not grow without the help of many inputs along the way. It was a very touching gift.
Coach Laura
Love this!
Anonymous
Any recommendations for lower rise dress pants? I’m very short waisted, and even what is ‘mid-rise’ generally comes up to my belly button and I still end up with a pooch of excess fabric in the front of my crotch. Would need in a size 14.
Clementine
The Limited Drew or Cassidy pants are both lower-rise and come in a 14.
I think Express ‘Columnist’ pants are also pretty low rise. They have a nice ‘barely boot’ cut.
Anonymous
Thanks, I usually aim for higher end, but feel like more ‘youth’ brands could be a solution
padi
San Jose Meet-up:
Saturday, March 26, 2016 1pm. Original Gravity at 66 S 1st St, San Jose, CA 95113.
I hope to see you there!
Let me know if you plan to be there so I can claim table space.
Paging Clementine (and others)
I posted on Monday about my nephew being born at only 25 weeks last Friday. I would like to thank Clementine and everyone else who offered support. My family appreciates it.
I have put many of the suggestions to work. There is a meal train, a Facebook page and email chain and a housekeeper arranged for them. We have a journal where visitors can write about the little things he does (moving, making cute noises etc.) so his parents have a record of it later, because right now they have so much going on. Their bosses are also aware of the situation and are being helpful. My sister and her husband insisted that the nursery needed to be done so my nephew would know he had a place in their home so some us also took care of that.
My nephew is hanging in there and his condition not gotten any worse. We are trying to stay strong and hopeful for him. Thank you for all the support, advice and stories from the bottom of my heart.
Anonymous
It sounds like you’re being a wonderful sister. Glad to hear your nephew is doing well. Take care.
Coach Laura
That’s a nice update. I especially like the idea that your nephew’s room was completed by everyone – what a fantastic thing to do.
Clementine
I was hoping to hear how the little fella is doing!!! I’ll bet the little dude is probably chilling out in his ‘tanning bed’ under the UV lights (note: almost all preemies have jaundice, which is treated very effectively and non-invasively with UV light therapy).
You are such an awesome sister and aunt for all of this. All these things that you and others are doing- the notes, the room, the taking care of the house and food, etc. are ways of wrapping their little family in so much love.
Anonymous
Also you have pretty much cemented your place as his ‘person’. My godmother took on the same role when I was a very sick newborn and 35 years later, when I kicka$$ at something she is still the first person I want to tell.
I’ll be sending you all the best wishes for many years of kicka$$ texts from your nephew x
Candles
I’d like to buy a relaxing candle for home. Any suggestions 1) where is a good place to buy online? 2) relaxing scents (other than the typical lavender)?
lsw
Not online, but if you have an Anthropologie near you, they almost always have some candles in the sale section. I like to browse, especially since it’s hard to tell the scents online.
I also really like Ashley’s Flicks n Wicks. They are soy candles, which I like, with a wooden wick – which I especially like. I don’t know why, but the crackling of the wood wick is just really soothing for me. I like the cinnamon bun scent quite a bit (not sure if it’s relaxing particularly) and keep the eucalyptus one in my bathroom. Small, woman-owned business (and local to me).
Anon100
1) Don’t know where you are located, but I like Bee Natural LLC in Philly’s Reading Terminal Market. They have a website, but it’s pretty spartan (http://beenaturalllc.com/). I also like Greenleaf, they have a website.
2) My favorite relaxing scents are Starlight by Greenleaf; Wine & Roses from Bee Natural; and Aloe & Soft Linen from the Body Shop.
Baconpancakes
Shoutout to my book nerds – check out Frostbeard studios on Etsy. Their scents are based on books, book themes, or particular novel settings. Their jars aren’t as cute as the Anthropologie ones, but they smell amazing without being overpoweringly sweet or cloying.
My favorite candle by them is Old Books. It makes me feel cozy and at home, which I find extremely relaxing.
rosie
Check out Big Dipper beeswax candles. Really nice scent blends.
Frustrated
This week has really hammered in the fact that civil litigation is still an old WASPy boys’ club. For background, I am in my late 20s/early 30s and my parents are from a Southeast Asian country that Anthony Bourdain has visited more often than I have.
Earlier this week, I was with a client who, upon meeting me, declared in front of opposing counsel that I look too young to be an attorney and it must be because “those Orientals make their kids study four or more hours a day.”
Earlier today, the founding partner here was giving a goodbye lecture to a male law clerk who worked his last day today. The partner, whose office is right next-door to mine, loudly proclaimed that nowadays, it is so hard for a white male to find a job. He then recounted, “back when I graduated law school (in the 1970s), it was the law that everyone HAD to hire someone if they were black, or a woman, or practiced Judaism. As a white male, I thought no one would EVER hire me!” I almost expected him to start proclaiming what needed to be done to make America great again. We are in Southern California, so although this mindset isn’t prevalent, it’s still surprising to encounter it more often than I would expect.
I’ve been saving up for an F You fund, but seriously…what the heck.
Anonymous
Oh man – all those poor white men, actually having to COMPETE for jobs. The horror.
Anonymous
Yeah… what the heck?!?!
Be strong my friend.
anon
Ugh. Eyeroll.
rosie
Wow. No words. Just appalling. Sorry you are dealing with this.
Anon
I have a delicate sort of quandary/problem and thought you ladies would have good advice.
I own a small business (sub-25 employees) and have two pregnant employees. For the record, I have never been pregnant. They have both had some ups and downs energy-wise and in regards to how they’re feeling at any given moment, though both are past the first trimester and nausea at this point. One, who in her tenure at my company has been a really good, productive employee, is severely lacking in energy and is having a hard time remembering things from one second to the next. Her productivity is suffering greatly, and her manager (female, has children) came to me wondering what we can do to be motivating and try to increase her productivity, as she still has a few months before she’ll be on maternity leave. We do have a strategy in place for how her duties will be divided for maternity leave, but the feedback I’m getting is that some of the others in that department are frustrated and resentful of what they perceive as her being “checked-out” early.
I realize every pregnancy is different. The other pregnant employee hasn’t had any productivity loss. The two do feed off each other a bit sometimes – our office is pretty small, but overall that hasn’t been a big issue.
I want to be positive and thoughtful about how I approach this, in a way that treats my employee with respect and empathy. At the same time I don’t have a lot of room for error with my company being so small, and I have to foster a environment where everyone is working together and productive. I appreciate your thoughts and advice.
Anonymous
Truth. I thought DH would be disappointed that we only have girls and he burst of laughing. “It’s you they will all hate when they are teens, they will love me forever!” he said. And then went to the basement to work on the toy race car he is building with my 6 year old daughter.
Anonymous
Woah that was for the IVF post way above-sorry!
ChiLaw
This is hard!
My major pregnancy symptom was exhaustion. Like I was grateful that I took transit to work because I wouldn’t have been safe to drive — that kind of exhaustion. I think my work was still very good, but I know it was slower. There were weeping spells under my desk, for sure. I did not do anything social for about 6 months. I worked and slept. I was able to hold it together and not let my team down, though, at work. It seems like there should be a middle ground.
It’s hard because the exhaustion is real — I’ve joked about those “I didn’t know I was pregnant” shows that if I didn’t know I was pregnant I would think I was *dying* — but at the same time, you, as the boss, need the work to get done.
I guess I mostly wanted to comment to let you know that there might be an element of ‘milking it’ or consciously ‘checking out’ at play, but there might be very real physical exhaustion issues too.
WestCoast Lawyer
I laughed at the line “what can we do to be motivating and try to increase her productivity.” While the first trimester is commonly the hardest, I suffered from severe exhaustion and distractedness throughout my pregnancy. I see two possibilities. Either (1) she is not planning on coming back after maternity leave and has, in fact, mentally checked out, in which case there is not going to be anything you can say to motivate her, or (2) she is a good employee doing her best to keep going despite feeling like crap all day long. Since you say she’s always been a good performer before please consider giving her the benefit of the doubt and focus on coming up with ways to help her do what she can without making her feel like she’s failing to meet expectations. Can you offer to let her alter her work schedule somewhat so she can work when she feels she has the most energy?
I know some people hate the idea of treating pregnancy as a disability, and some women do sail right through without missing a beat. But for some it has serious medical consequences, fatigue being one of the more common. If you had an employee recovering from mono or some other chronic medical condition people wouldn’t expect them to be performing at 100%. Pregnancy is basically a 9 month chronic medical condition that affects everyone differently.
Mindy
Completely agree. I’ve never been pregnant, but I’ve experienced the pregnancies of multiple close friends/family members and agree that exhaustion can be a very real symptom. My sister had to come home from work every day (9-5ish job, so it may be worse if your hours are longer) and nap, and was basically useless for the rest of the night. Long afternoon naps on weekends. She ended up having to go on half days about a month before she was due because of common pregnancy complications. Another friend is going through her second pregnancy and it is much more difficult because she can’t come home and nap. Kid 1 doesn’t care that she’s exhausted. She’s a kid! Both have awesome husbands who definitely do their fair share, so it would be even more difficult if she’s single or her partner isn’t as supportive.
Anonymous
I’m sure your normally-“really good” employee knows she’s not at her best, and is trying. As others have said, exhaustion is definitely a thing with pregnancy. So is “preggo brain” – which, for me, feels like a tired fog where I can’t remember things and the gears in my head just feel like they need a lot of WD40. Both can look like “checking out” to an observer. I started a new job concurrently with 1st trimester, and I was TERRIFIED that I would make a horrible first impression or not make it out of my probation period because I was constantly battling exhaustion. Trust me, it’s not something one can be unaware of.
If you must say something to her, it should be along the lines of “hey, how are you feeling trying to keep up your normal workload?” If she admits she’s tired and struggling, that’s a good lead in for discussing how expectations for her might need to change for the next few months. If she doesn’t admit it, you can gently point out that you’ve heard feedback that she hasn’t been herself before asking whether there are any accommodations that might help. If you can offer occasional working from home, schedule changes, or reducing some of her responsibilities without impacting your bottom line, it would be a very humane thing to do, and an appreciative employee is usually a better employee.
NYT Piece
Thoughts on this piece in the Times today?
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/03/20/upshot/as-women-take-over-a-male-dominated-field-the-pay-drops.html
I’m feeling rather undervalued at work lately, so this just made me a little more depressed about being a young woman in the workforce.
Miami
What does one wear for a federal jury trial in May in Miami? I generally wear pantsuits, but my normal black wool seems like it might not work. Do I need to worry about wearing pants instead of skirts? Do I need to wear lighter colors? Help!
Floridian attorney
Pantsuits, skirt suits, and black suits are all common so you won’t be out of place as long as you are dressed professionally. Skirt suits are more prevalent just because of the heat.
Tara
Hello!
I’m a plus size gal (size 14-18 depending on the store) and I am trying to find tights in navy, grey, and neutral/nude.
I can only find black. I would appreciate any suggestions you have or recommendations of good brands that carry tights in many colors.
Mindy
We love colors has a huge variety of colors.
Anon
I am your size and I order Spanx tights on Amazon. I wear size E because I am tall. If you are not tall, you might fit size D and there will be more color options in that size.
I buy the regular “tight end” tights plus the nude micro fishnets in nude. The opaque tights last forever. The fishnets are more delicate but I will admit I’m probably not careful enough.
Min Donner
When I was a size C according to the Spanx chart, the Cs fit and were minimizing, but I preferred the comfort/fit of size D in the tight-end tight (and honestly still wear those pairs comfortably, but likely they’ve stretched). I should now be a size D according to the chart, but I sized up to E when I ordered some new tights (correct me if I’m wrong, but it looks like they no longer make the tight-end version, so I ordered the luxe leg). They are impossible – I can’t even get them on. I don’t know if I just got a bad pair or if the luxe has a significantly different fit, but I’m a bit wary of Spanx now. If you take the plunge, try to find a merchant that will accept returns.
My go-to tights are now Hue. I still size up for comfort, but have had no issues.
Friendy
Friends, I have had to work all weekend, and now it’s 4 p.m. on Sunday and I desperately need to relax. How can I make now til bedtime feel like a weekend before I have to get after it again tomorrow?
LilyB
ice cream and Netflix!