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Updated: Oct 30, 2018 206 Comments · by

Weekend Open Thread

Weekend Open Thread

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Yellow Summer Sandal: Nine West LeisaSomething on your mind? Chat about it here. These simple sandals are winning rave reviews, and they come in a zillion colors — something for everyone! I'm kind of loving these yellow suede sandals, but there are a ton of great colors, including several neutral shades. They're $79 at Zappos and come in sizes 5-12. Nine West Leisa Sandal P.S. My apologies to everyone for linking from yesterday's post to the offensive Buzzfeed post re: ponytails/intelligence. I remembered seeing it years ago and agreeing with the basic idea behind it (low ponytails = better for being taken seriously), and when I hunted for it in 2016 I recognized the graphic (ponytails in pencil) and didn't pay any attention to the verbiage used. I sincerely apologize. Kate was good enough to swap out the link for one to Manrepeller since I was away from the computer when I saw the uproar; I’ll just remove the Manrepeller link altogether too. (L-2)

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Comments

  1. Shoes for sloans?

    What shoes go with BR Sloan pants? My sense of what is right is being skewed by everyone showing work clothes with strappy sandals. High wedges? Low wedges? Something like a Reva? An Air Tali? HELP!!!

    • Anon

      They’re just skinny ankle pants, right? Pointy toe flats, heels, or wedges would all look good. When I googled, images returned some cute outfits, so you might get inspiration there.

    • Senior Attorney

      I wear those pants multiple times a week with pointy-toe pumps (various heel heights from kitten to three inches), ankle strap pointy pumps (kitten heel and mid heel), booties, and ballet almost-flats (half-inch wedge).

    • anon

      I own a somewhat embarrassing 7 pairs of Sloans, and while I prefer the old cut, I still love them and wear them 3+ days per week. I typically wear them with pointed flats (like the Ivanka Trump Chic flat) or nude mid-wedges. I also like them with almond toes – particularly my red Vara pumps :)

      The only shoes I really don’t like with them are a pair of mid-heel black pointy toe pumps I have who’s point is just a little too long… almost like it throws the balance of the skinniness off? I have also never found a pair of boots that they looked good with. They really don’t tuck well and are a little too wide to wear over the boot. Honestly, they look good with most shoes that you’d be wearing for work or non-sneakers shoes for play. Sloans can definitely go more casual, too, one of my go-to summer looks is breton tee/navy Sloans/gold Jack Rogers.

  2. OCAssociate

    Does anyone else here read the Toast? It’s shutting down and I’m unreasonably sad about it.

    • anon

      You are not alone. I am in mourning. Other than Dear Prudence, where will Mallory Ortberg be writing?!

    • OCAssociate

      I will SO miss my daily doses of Mallory, I guess twitter will have to do. But I’ll also really miss the community, it’s one of the few places on the internet with such an awesome group of (mostly) women who are supportive and smart and fascinating. Other than present company, of course.

  3. Anon

    There has been some discussion here about Donald Trump. The consensus seems to be that we don’t like him and don’t want him to be president. So I’m curious what people are doing, if anything, to stop that from happening. Are you donating to or volunteering for other political campaigns? Are you reaching out to your members of Congress to ask them not to support Trump? I am just honestly curious if anyone is feeling motivated to act or if they’re going to sit out this election.

    • anonymous

      I have donated although I don’t have much money. My employment prohibits me from volunteering for political campaigns, otherwise I would be doing that. I try to share my thoughts on the matter when the topic arises, and I just moved, so I’ve registered to vote in my new (swing!) state. I’ve thought a lot about this, and if anyone has more ideas of how I (or others) can contribute, I’d really like to hear them.

      • Anonymous

        I volunteer for Planned Parenthood–which has already endorsed Hillary Clinton. They do phone banks and other political activities through the (c)(4) political action organization. My local PP affiliate mostly supports local candidates and initiatives as well as voter registration drives.

        Could you volunteer through an organization you support that happens to support political causes/campaigns? Or is that also prohibited?

    • Bonnie

      It’s not a matter of motivation but there’s really not much that can be done at this point to keep Trump from being the GOP nominee. Reaching out to members of Congress would serve no purpose. From what I’ve seen, people that dislike Trump are just now motivated to vote for Clinton.

      • anonymous

        I disagree that reaching out to congresspeople won’t serve a purpose. It won’t get people to not support Trump, but I think it will convey certain things about sentiments among voters in that district. That’s important too.

      • Anonymous

        I work on Capitol Hill and reaching out to members absolutely makes a difference, particularly if your representative/Senators are Republican. Many of them are legitimately struggling with whether to support Trump.

        • anonymous

          Thanks so much for sharing. I’m going to do this now and see if my friends will do the same.

    • Anonymous

      If it is right that we live in a bubble, the right answer is probably just to show up to the polls. I live where my individual vote is not likely to matter due to extreme gerrymandering going back decades. Only if you live in a 50-50 area would you likely matter if you did more than that.

      Also, you didn’t say it, but a lot of R people don’t like Trump and I have no idea what you suggest that they do.

      • OP

        I guess that’s part of why I’m asking the question. I think that this election raises important and interesting questions about democracy and citizen participation in government.

      • Anon for this

        Thanks for saying this. I definitely consider myself to be a conservative, and I’m so tremendously at a loss for what to do this election year.

        I know in my brain that Hillary is the only one with any political experience (which makes voting for her seem like it should be the only option), but the thought of purposefully voting for someone with views that are ALL opposite to mine makes me sick to my stomach (though The Donald doesn’t really seem to have any set opinions except for promoting xenophobia which I am obviously against). I’m so confused.

        • Sydney Bristow

          I’m normally opposed to people sitting out an election because I think everyone should vote and sitting out isn’t really making a statement like some people claim.

          This year though, I think I’m ok with it. Still go vote for everything else on your ballot But if you’re a republican who doesn’t agree with Clinton’s views at all and just don’t feel right about supporting Trump, I think it makes sense to sit out. I know democrats who hate Clinton (luckily for their personal issues with her policy views and not for who she is/because she’s a woman) and are in the same dilemma.

          I can’t seem to frame this election as the lesser of two evils like I normally can.

          On the democratic side, I know it’s a long shot but I hope that the party considers changing the super delegate process. I hated it last time too. If Sanders doesn’t win out big, I hope he stays in until the convention just to put some pressure on the issue.

          • Sydney Bristow

            I didn’t mean to suggest that Sanders hates superdelegates. I’m the one that hates them. I just don’t think it will ever be something the party would consider fixing unless there is more public outrage and having Sanders stay in until the convention could do that. My thinking is that if he and Clinton are really close in the number of delegates earned from the voters then it would so clearly be the superdelegates who make the decision. I know this is already the case, but it might be a forefront issue because of how visible it could be. As I said though, it is a long shot.

            And of course Sanders is begging superdelegates to switch to support him. That’s the only way he could win the nomination.

          • Anonymous

            But Sanders and Clinton aren’t, and won’t be, really close in regular delegates. This is all a fantasy.

    • Anonymous

      I donated $25 to a campaign in the last election and I now receive dozens of emails a day and 1-2 calls per day from the national party, the state party, and various candidates (some national, some state/local and not even my region!). I will never again participate in the political process that way unless it’s dropping cash in a bucket at an event where I didn’t have to give anyone my name.

      • Anonymous

        Sorry, hit submit too soon. As to what I’m doing, I’ve never identified as Republican but tend to vote R because of fiscal issues. Trump/Cruz-type candidates are absolutely acceptable though, so I will signal my displeasure with the party by casting a symbolic vote for Gary Johnson. Ideally, more people will move over to the Libertarian Party such that it could become a viable national contender, but at a minimum I’m hoping enough people will do the same to signal to the GOP that it has to shift that direction if it has any hope of a future.

        • Anon

          But the GOP didn’t choose this direction– that’s the whole “appeal” (I use that word loosely) of Trump. He’s not the GOP. The GOP didn’t want him. He’s anti-establishment, and that’s WHY he is doing well. Even now, party leaders haven’t endorsed him despite the inevitability of his nomination. I don’t disagree about symbolically voting Gary Johnson, but what would you have the GOP shift their direction towards? They didn’t steer us towards this– the voters did.

          • Anonymous

            But a big part of the reason they did is because the establishment candidates are so incredibly awful on other issues. If the establishment actually offered something people wanted–fewer career politicians and people who at least pretend to care about middle class jobs–then Trump has less to capitalize on. There are already enough candidates spouting racism and sexism, so those parts of the Trump persona would not have fueled him in isolation.

          • Not a republican

            Yeah, this was supposed to be the year of Rand Paul and the chance for libertarians to show they could have national appeal, and he fizzled out in the face of the emotional appeal of Trump. And it was totally voter-driven. The GOP establishment is/was apoplectic about both Cruz and Trump, they just weren’t organized/competent enough to coalesce behind another more mainstream candidate.

          • anon

            Lol. Rly? This is the GOP reaping what they’ve sown. Southern strategy anyone? The trickle-down-economics bait and switch?

            Trump is simply holding a megaphone up to long-standing republican ideals. He’s more crass, louder, and verbally expresses more bigotry, but his “policies” are no more racist/sexist/xenophobic than Cruz’s, et al. Example: Trump said he wants to ban Muslims from entering the U.S. Cruz said Muslim neighborhoods should be “patrolled.” Really, is one worse than the other? The GOP doesn’t like him *because* he makes them look bad. “Establishment” GOP prefers to tell voters that they are “keeping America safe from jihad/sharia law” or whatever. Trump says “yeah ban Muslims, lol.” The GOP badly misread their party’s base.

    • Anonymous

      Pray he stands up at the convention and announces this was all just a giant social experiment and he was purposely trying to see how offensive he could be and still get the nomination?

      • Anonymous

        I’m thinking similar thoughts – maybe this is all an extremely elaborate advertisement/PR campaign for a movie about a ridiculous politician? Maybe Michael Moore’s next documentary??

      • Killer Kitten Heels

        Donald Trump = Banksy in extensive prosthetics, and the entire campaign is performance art.

        (At least, that’s my deepest wish for what’s actually going on there.)

    • anon

      Republican politico. I’m only being slightly ironic when I report that I’ve joined Maple Match and am praying to Paul Ryan, our lord and savior.

      • Anonymous

        Canada’s liberal leadership will be a real slap in the face if you can’t handle just voting for Clinton or Sanders instead of Trump.

        • Anonymous

          I know right? America under Clinton = way more conservative than Canada

          • Anon

            Seriously…Bernie doesn’t even seem very left-wing through the Canadian lens.

      • Anon

        If you don’t support Bernie maple match isn’t for you. We have universal health care (including free ab*rtions), subsidized university, heavily regulated guns (in my major metropolis there was 3 gun deaths last year), a relatively high minimum wage and as a result a much healthier middle class. The only bad thing about Canada is the oil.

    • Snick

      I am enthusiastically supporting Hillary through contributions and volunteer work. I would be doing that regardless of who the Republican nominee was, but it seems even more urgent with Trump as the presumptive nominee.

      • Anonymous

        +1. Did the same in 2008 (first with HRC then with Obama, when he won the nomination)

    • Anonymous

      I donate to Hillary’s campaign and am a loud enthusiastic supporter. When people ask me about what I think about Trump I tell the truth: he’s ignorant and proud of it and I find him an embarrassment.

  4. Anonymous

    I got there too late, but I have often wondered whether a ponytail is professional, so I don’t think it was a wasted post. I have no hair skills, so my work ponytail looks exactly the same as my gym ponytail. That’s what concerns me.

    • not Becky

      My flat, limp, tragic hair with streaks of gray looks abysmal in a pony unless I curl and spray it out the wazoo before putting it in a ponytail, so I don’t wear them at work. If I had good hair, I’d rock the pony and the non-pony.

  5. Baconpancakes

    What the eff does “c0cktail garden party” dress code entail? I’m going to a July wedding in Philly at Knowlton Mansion, and while I know what “garden party” entails (lol) and I know what “c0cktail” entails, the two together?

    I have an A-line green satin dress -sweetheart neckline, thin straps, also matching bolero jacket -is that ok? If so, what accessories/shoes go with it?

    • Gail the Goldfish

      Ugh with the weird dress codes already. If I had to guess, I’d say slightly more casual than regular cocktail–maybe lighter fabrics/colors?

      Is it indoors? I think that’s fine if it’s indoors. If it’s outdoors, satin in July seems like it might be intolerably hot. And if it’s outdoors, maybe the just tacked on garden party so you know not to wear heels that are going to stick in the ground?

        • Senior Attorney

          for my $.02 it means no stilettos — they’re warning you it’s outside on grass/dirt

          • Senior Attorney

            Although why they can’t say that if it’s what they mean is beyond me…

    • bridget

      Knee-length in not black, navy, sequins, etc.

      Or, for the euphemistic meaning, about two inches below your butt. (Kidding!)

    • lsw

      I would just go cocktail and might be more likely to pick a pattern/floral. And maybe I’d be more likely to avoid black, though honestly I don’t wear many (any?) black dresses. And agree with Kat that it’s probably code for “wear wedges.”

    • Killer Kitten Heels

      My general opinion is that if your “dress code” is not a real, established dress code, you’ve basically forgone the right to dictate what I wear, and I wear whatever seems appropriate for the venue/event/time of day.

    • CX

      Satin might not be the most “garden party” fabric. I think more soft lace, eyelet cotton in a cocktail dress length when I hear that dress code. But, your dress doesn’t so far outside the range that you *have* to buy a new one unless you’re looking for an excuse :)

  6. Gift ideas?

    Ideas on what to get a coworker (it’s a small office and we’re close, but not outside of work) who is going through a tough time? She had an illness that resulted in sudden hearing loss and tinnitus (so she can’t relax because her ears constantly ring).

    • In the Pink

      No gift ideas, but I’ve had the tinnitus for three to four years now. I find that I have to have background noise to block the noise “in my head.” For me, that means music on or tv playing when I am trying to sleep, fall back asleep, stop thinking so I can go back to sleep …. it’s not fun. If she doesn’t have technology to make that happen, maybe you can help? Some way for her to have background noise in the office so she can concentrate and relax?

  7. NYtoCO

    What’s your favorite non-face, everyday sunscreen? I use la Roche for my face but want something more affordable for my hands/arms, etc. I’d be interested in more organic/natural/small company brands– basically I’m trying to avoid the typical drugstore brands. Any favorites?

    • X

      I like Alba and Derma E (both available at Amazon) for cheaper organic products. I also like Supergoop and Coola. I brought all of these on my trip to Puerto Rico

    • Anonymous

      I LOVE Aveeno sunscreen for sensitive skin. It’s from the drugstore but it’s a physical sunscreen, not chemical, and reasonably priced.

  8. blah

    The temporary gardener I’d arranged for this evening has cancelled and I’m unreasonably disappointed. I don’t think I know any other potential candidates because I’m queasy about strangers in my yard.

  9. Lack of Peers

    Happy Friday afternoon! Do any of you struggle with not having true “peers” in the workplace or being the “first, only, different” at work? I’m an in-house attorney at my company, of the Assistant VP level. I’m a young-ish working mom of two little kids. I’m one of very few women at my level and the only working mom (there are dads who have SAH wives). I find that it can be very lonely (especially compared to biglaw where I had a cohort who were at the same place in life). I find that I flock to this site because I have peers here, but IRL… its lonely at work.

    • EB0220

      I was just thinking this today. I’m not that all that senior (manage a team of 7) but my division of the company is very male-dominated. I don’t feel like I have any work friends I can just call up randomly for lunch, etc. Made me sad, but I guess those things take time…

    • not Becky

      Yes, +1,000

      I felt like I knew a lot of working moms when I had a baby and we went to daycare. Now I am realizing that OMG, I am 1 of 2 women here with children old enough to read (so school; WTH to do in the summer . . . aiiii!). Everyone else: male (with SAH wife), female and no kids, female and kid is in utero or not yet potty trained, female with SAHD. The other woman has two sets of local grandparents and local siblings /inlaws (I have no grandparents within a 9-hour drive). Everyone else female who used to work here left before the kid hit school age.

      I guess I see the writing on the wall — working with kids is tough. I hate to be a trailblazer and get that people are quitting b/c something just has to give at some point.

    • Closet Redux

      Ugh, yes, so much so that I’m planning to leave. I’m one of only two parents on my team of 15, and the only working mom. It’s lonely, but more than that I feel judged for every happy hour invite I decline, for every half-day I call in, for every late night that I cut out earlier than my colleagues… It makes me not want to talk about my kid at work, which is not the kind of work environment I want to be in. Sayonara.

    • Idea

      Yes. I liked my manager, a married woman about my age child-free. She left – good for her.
      I realized my best friend at work was probably the married dad of 2 kids about my kids’ age, and he’s about my age, too — he left :(
      Luckily I was friendly with my underling, about 10-12 years junior, single, child-free — she left.
      It’s a small office but this made me realize the turnover and yeah, I’m in the middle. :( Middle aged, middle management…

    • Betty/OP

      Ok, so its not just me. I always thought myself a serious introvert, but after a lonely day at work, I talk my poor husband’s ear off. And I find myself on this site because “HI FRIENDS!!!”

      My boss is great: He is a dad of two older boys, and he and his wife both worked throughout their childhood. So my issue is not that my boss disapproves, and if he is ok with it (he’s the GC), then no one really has room to say anything. I don’t want this to sound like I’m whining or entitled: There are plenty of women, and plenty of moms in my company, but we just don’t connect. Sigh. Plus, its hard to maintain friendships in the evening when I want to spend that time with my husband and kids.

      • Anon for This

        +1, but imagine the gig with three female partners total and a large contingent of semi-retired senior partners whose preferred conversational topics are their Vietnam War days and the funerals that they have been to this month. My practice area is largely male-dominated and I do not have many counterparts in town (male or female) to discuss professional issues with, let alone personal stuff. This site often is the social highlighs of my work day. If not for my mentor (and he also is great, but a generation ahead of me and not suitable for “friend” type talks), I would have lost my schmidt long ago.

    • Anonymous

      YES. I manage a team of 19 men; our office environment is such that it’s not really ok to socialize with reports. All the other managers I work with are also men, and they’re not really a group of guys I have much in common with. It’s lonely.

      • Frozen Peach

        YES!! I’m pretty new, but I work in a very small department that has a lot of decision-making power, and in general there are very few women my age at this company (outside of marketing, where everyone understands things like how to use a hairdryer). I’m SO lonely. I find myself talking to my boss too much just because I am so desperate for friends who are on the level. I have friends in this city outside of work, but none who are really simpatico– either they have their lives together way more than me and judge me, or they’re like, friends from high school who are just getting over their long-term drug addiction or are super conservative and very involved in their bible study.

  10. Anon

    Ugh. I’m expecting a not-great mid-year performance review next week.

    I didn’t want to take this job, but had to. (Long personal story on the “had to,” but just go with me on this.) I realized within the first week that it was going to be a poor fit for me. I’ve wanted to leave, but I have a one year contract with the company tied to a signing bonus that I can’t afford to repay if I leave early.

    This job plays to literally none of my professional or personal strengths (extroverted communicator in an introverted spreadsheet job); is in my field but not at all my preferred area (think small individual bankruptcy vs mega-corporate bankruptcy) and I’ve had a metric ton of personal sh&t to deal with privately (to include depression).

    I’m just trying to keep my head down until the one year mark so I can get out of here.

    I regret choosing this job, I regret that my performance isn’t amazing (I’m not a spreadsheet person and will never be happy in this environment and I’m sad that it shows), I regret that I can’t just buck up and be a better spreadsheet person, I regret that I don’t look like the all-star I normally am.

    Tactics for getting through this? How much or what should I say?

    • Jax

      Listen. Acknowledge the mistakes. Acknowledge that you aren’t performing at rock star level, but you want to. Have some examples of steps you’ve taken to improve.

      Look them in the eye and stay professional. Don’t break down and blame personal problems, but instead focus on the fact that you WANT to improve and are confident that you can.

    • Anonymous

      This is an opportunity to improve a skill set that does not come naturally to you. Accept constructive criticism graciously and use it to develop your skills. The review is also a good time to ask about opportunities to take on roles that play better to your strengths.

      Additionally, and I know we say to try to avoid this, but consider taking on tasks that you will enjoy and will give you an opportunity to shine even if they’re sort of thankless positions, like setting up lunches or happy hours or being on the party planning committee. If you’re the one extrovert in a sea of introverts, there must be opportunities for you to do extroverty things that everyone else has been avoiding.

      • Idea

        This is good advice if you can take it. It’s hard to see the forest sometimes, esp. in a spreadsheet tree.
        But you’ll get through it.

      • Anonymama

        I agree, can you approach the spreadsheets like you would a tough workout? Like, you are polishing those spreadsheet skills which maybe are a weaker area for you in preparation for getting that next even better job?

    • EE

      Sounds like you’re planning to leave in six months or so. I’d just grin and bear it. Nod a bit, use the phase “thank you for the feedback, I will work on that” and don’t let it get you down. Then have plans with friends or something else you enjoy set up for that evening.

    • Anon

      What about a toned down version of what you said here? Is there another area or job or tasks in the department you’re in you’d excel at? Maybe see if you could work in your strength instead of weakness.

  11. another exercise question

    Bouncing off of this morning’s threads – can anyone recommend a piece of cardio equipment with a small footprint? I had to get rid of my treadmill because it just didn’t fit in my townhouse and I’m now looking for something to replace it!

    • Jax

      Genuinely not being snarky, but Pinterest body weight circuits can have me dripping with sweat and never leaving a 6 ft. square area of my bedroom. Only equipment is a yoga mat, a tablet, and some music with a good beat.

    • Anon

      Our elliptical folds in half. I’ve also seen some pretty small spin bikes.

      • Laurie Phillips

        Hmmm… what kind of elliptical is it? I’m giving up on my treadmill and giving it away. It’s just terrible for my knees. I’m just figuring I’ll go to the gym because I feel like I don’t have space for an elliptical.

        • Laurie Phillips

          Just found a NordicTrak that folds really small. That’s awesome. And it’s on sale for about half price. I would seriously consider that.

    • Sunshine

      We rent a WaterRower. If you have the ceiling height to stand it on end when not in use, it (or any regular rower) takes up very little space.

      • Anonymous

        I bought a WaterRower used on Craigslist and I’m obsessed with it. I got it for like half of retail price, and I use it 3x/week while watching terrible tv. While I’m not using it, it takes up a tiny amount of space.

      • Former Rower

        As a former rower, I will tell you that C2 rowing machines are the ONLY way to go. They’re pricey, but they’re really the best.

        • Wildkitten

          As a former rower I’d do anything besides spend another minute on a C2 rowing machine. And I can’t imagine watching TV on one. I can’t imagine doing anything besides wanting to die and trying not to throw up.

          An elliptical is much less triggering :-)

          • Former Rower

            HAHAHAHAH.

            I couldn’t touch one for a couple years after college, but now I recognize that they’re a great way for me to get an efficient workout. Although, I still manage to look way intense while I’m on one, apparently.

    • Anonymous

      This may not work if your townhouse is like mine with a million stairs because I would never carry the bike up and down, but I did this when I lived on a first floor condo with bike lockers. I had an indoor bike trainer that I could set up on my living room floor (for prime Netflix viewing) and then take down when I was done with it and put the bike back outside. The trainer itself collapses to about 1′ deep by 2′ wide by 2′ tall, and if you get a fluid trainer it’s just like riding a bike outside in that you can use all the gears on your bike. I had bought the bike when I lived in a warmer, more bicycle-friendly climate and this was a great way for me to still get to “ride” while living temporarily in a city under 3 feet of snow and with terrifying drivers. Less optimal if you don’t already have the bike, unless you are open to getting one for outdoor rides too anyway.

      • Constant Reader

        I love my Kinetic Rock and Roll trainer, I used it all winter. Once you get the hang of it, it’s fairly easy to take it on and off. The Rock and Roll mimics a real ride with a little side to side motion that you can adjust, so it feels more like a real bike ride and it also works your core. It is a little wider than other bike trainers, though.

    • Zelda

      Kettlebells!!! Kettlebell swings provide both cardio and strength benefits. They’re the only thing you need.

      • Frozen Peach

        The Urban Rebounder!! Points if you know what that is. It’s so dorky I won’t let anyone see me, but I love it.

  12. Anonymous

    I was contacted for an interview in another state with five days of advance notice. They would not consider a phone or video interview. I was also asked to cover all of my own travel expenses and told that if successful, I would have a second interview later in the same week! I understand the company may need to move quickly, but it made me feel like they had no respect for me as a candidate. I withdrew after giving it some consideration and they seem peeved even at that! Glad I did not waste my time on that kind of climate. Surely those kinds of expectations are not normal…right?

    • JJ

      Did they know you were out of state? And do they think you’ll relocate on your own dime? If they think you’re local or already moving to their location, I don’t think the timeline is that outlandish. If they know you’re not local and want to relocate you, yes, that is crazy.

    • SC

      Ugh. Remember that the interview process is about both applicant and potential employer learning more about each other, and just be glad you found this out about the company now. But I get that it’s frustrating. A few months ago, DH was asked on a Thursday to apply for a job by one of his contacts, who would have been his supervisor but was not the hiring manager. He applied over the weekend and received a call Monday asking whether he could interview Tuesday. He works in a small company with just a few employees, so he said he couldn’t interview on such short notice. He offered Thursday, but only Friday was available. The interviewer rescheduled for Monday due to severe weather. When my husband drove an hour for the interview on Monday (and had to arrange childcare), he learned that the job was already filled. It was so annoying and seemed disrespectful.

    • cinnamon gelato

      Five days notice doesn’t sound crazy. More would be ideal, but 5 isn’t crazy, and they told you up front that you would have to have a 2nd interview if successful. Sounds like they were giving you sufficient information to make an informed choice about whether you wanted to make the required effort to come to the first interview, especially given that you have to travel and at your own expense.

    • OP

      They had called me the week before to gauge my interest, and said they would schedule for an upcoming Monday or Friday to facilitate travel (no exact dates were mentioned). Then they randomly called this week and told me it would be Tuesday of next week, and that I would have to come back on that same Friday if selected as a finalist. No relocation package planned for the position, though they knew from their initial call that I was out of state with no immediate plans to move. I understand complex schedules and budget limitations, but my current company works with applicants to schedule interviews at a reasonably convenient time and covers interview expenses as well as relocation. It just felt a little insulting that I should totally upend my schedule and pay for two last-minute flights in the same week. I thought the organization was impressive, (but so am I!!) and I felt like the respect I had for them was not returned. Better to know now!

      • Anonymous

        I think it is totally normal to expect to have your travel expenses paid to interview out of state, and not having a relocation package would be a very big deal to me. Moreover, if there is a second interview involved, it would make more sense to have the first interview (if not all of them) over the phone/video chat. Their obvious annoyance at you also indicates a level of unprofessionalism I would not want to consider. Maybe it varies by industry?

    • Anonymous

      Yes. My father was a great father but, through the divorce and post-divorce, I learned that he is a very selfish person. He is selfish with his time, his money, and his willingness to do things that he doesn’t want to do.

      This insight put many things in my childhood into perspective: my father’s secret bank accounts, his vacations with his buddies, his new toys, why there was no money for my brother and I to have a second pair of not-ripped pants for school, why my mother was never able to have/spend time with friends of her own, why spending time with my dad always meant/means doing things HE wanted to do or nothing, why he complained so much about spending time with my mom’s side of the family.

      His selfishness has one redeeming value: he did make sure that he saved enough for retirement to be quite luxurious. My mom’s divorce lawyer made sure she got her fair share. Dad’s retirement won’t be quite as luxurious as he wanted it to be but they’ll both be quite comfortable, and I don’t have to worry.

      During the divorce, my Dad’s selfishness has made me so angry at times that I have ceased all communication until he does what is fair. I have also told him many times to just put on his big boy pants and do something he doesn’t want to do without complaining. He complains that I am too hard on him but, really, going to a different restaurant because someone in the group can’t eat anything on the menu for one meal is NOT going to kill him (think lactose intolerant person going to a pizza place).

      It has also made me a lot more sympathetic to my mom. She has her own issues, believe me. He probably caused some of her issues. But I don’t know how she put up with him for so long.

  13. Anonymous

    My parents are going through a divorce, which has resulted in me gaining a lot of info about my parents I would rather not have known. It turns out that my father is not the man I thought he was. Like DRASTICALLY not the man I thought he was. I’m angry and sad. I now question so much about the way I grew up. Anyone been through this?

    • meow

      Yep. Adult Children of Divorce get TMI. I kindly but firmly told my parents that I did not want to hear anything negative about my other parent, true or otherwise. That’s what their friends are for.

    • Anon in NYC

      Yes. You have my sympathy. It has forever changed my relationship with my parents – beyond the divorce itself, it has affected every holiday, every major life event, all family traditions, etc. You have to tell both of your parents that you cannot be their “friend” in this sense – you are their daughter, you love them both, and you cannot listen to them work through their feelings. This is what they need therapy and their own friends for. Repeat this as needed.

      And, a little bit of therapy for yourself is probably a good idea. I did not go to therapy and I think it has taken me longer to heal than if I had gone. My father and I had a rocky relationship pre-divorce, but during and post-divorce I basically did not speak to my father for years unless he initiated the conversation. I didn’t have a father-daughter dance at my wedding. For me, having a child has been a good step in mending that relationship because I can see how much he loves his grandchild. But it’s still really hard.

    • anon for this

      I agree with meow. I also wanted to say that 10 years after the divorce I look at my parents at how they treated me before, during and after the divorce and not how they treated each other. My father was not a great husband, but has been a fabulous father. My mother did not have a great husband and was not treated how she should have been (which I have sympathy for) but has acted very selfishly and has no maternal nature left. Set those boundaries and take care of yourself.

    • AEK

      This happened to me when I was in my early 20s. It was devastating. I did feel like a lot of my childhood had been a lie. The hardest part of your parents divorcing when you’re an adult, IMO, is exactly what you’ve said— the constant questioning of whether your whole family dynamic was an illusion. And I was seriously disillusioned about my father, who, post-divorce, only went on to become progressively less admirable and less the person I had adored throughout childhood. I have a civil but not close relationship with him now. Both my parents are remarried now (divorce was 14 years ago).

      It hurts a lot. I’m sorry. I don’t think the sad goes away, but you do learn to accept the new reality eventually. The best advice I can give (or at least what worked for me) is to compartmentalize as much as possible. My dad was a good dad and not a good guy in other parts of his life, as I was surprised and dismayed to learn. But my mom didn’t need or want me to fight her battles, so I constantly reminded myself to relate to him on an individual-to-individual basis. That said, losing respect for my dad absolutely changed our relationship. I just don’t take it personally anymore. That might have taken me 10 years or so to accomplish, though.

      • OP

        I have tried to compartmentalize, which worked well until recently. Now I wonder if he really WAS a good dad. What kind of shady stuff was going on during all those summer road trips with the kids (while my mom stayed home to work)? Was he protective or controlling? Was he quirky or a narcissist? What other lies have I believed my whole life? To some extent we are all in the dark about the realities of our childhood, but this is so uncomfortable.

    • Anon

      Been there. Was a complete daddy’s girl. Learned massive, life-changing (think secret family in foreign country) secrets. Our relationship has never been the same, but my relationship with my mother improved. And eventually I relearned to have a distant but somewhat meaningful relationship with my father on new terms. It is hard, but the dust will settle. Don’t feel that you have to remain close to, or even in contact with, both or either parent, but also don’t feel like you have to disown the offending parent(s). As AEK said, it might take a decade (it did for me), but you’ll get there. In the meantime, hugs.

    • Anon

      Yes. Though I was 13 when my parents divorced and I learned everything. It was so hard. But now, 20 years later our relationship is fine. I can recognize that he was an ok father even though he was a terrible husband (though I also, now that I am married with children, see how this is hard to reconcile. . .) I also finally as I got older learned to shut down the comments from both parents. Big hugs.

    • +1

      My parents split up in my early 20’s and it remains, hands down, the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. What your feeling is completely normal; it took time, therapy, and a year or so on SSRIs to get me feeling even close to normal again. Divorce is like a death, and it’s okay to grieve the loss of the family you knew (or thought you knew), even if you’re an adult. The pain never completely goes away, but it stops being the “sob in the shower on a daily/weekly basis” kind of pain, especially once you get through the first year of holidays/birthdays.

      The divorce and how the aftermath has played out has shown me things about my father that have made me decide that he’s not someone that I want in my life any longer. My relationship with my mom is pretty healthy but I do have to sometimes remind her (even 8 years later!) that there are some things I can’t discuss with her or that I don’t want to know.

      Also, whether you’re married or single, be prepared for this to potentially change how you view your own romantic partnerships going forward. I was getting out of a relationship when my parents divorced but started dating my now-husband roughly 2 years later. When we first started dating, I was surprised by how much anxiety I had around whether he would just leave like my dad, and later, when we started seriously discussing getting married, whether we’d wind up like my parents. Therapy and a supportive partner helped me work through those issues.

      • OP

        Yep. I made my husband promise last night that we won’t do anything shady/unethical to each other or anyone else. I also worry I am somehow going to be like my dad. Last, it all makes me wonder if everyone has screwed up, secret lives.

    • Ouch...

      Sigh….

      It will always hurt, but it will become part of your background.

      My parents had a terrible marriage, with much untreated mental illness (father). When I was grown, and my mother was dying……. my father had a breakdown of sorts, and started saying things about my mother. Who knows what was true, what was not, but all was shocking and cruel to say to me. He loved to start a tirade, randomly, when I was trapped in the car with him on the expressway for example, and would let lose horrific details that no child should ever hear from a parent.

      And then after my Mom died, he made me get a DNA test to prove I was his daughter.

      It as irreversibly destroyed my memories and relationships with my parents. It also destroyed any ability to have a family of my own. Try not to let that be you.

    • Anonymous

      Yes, though I learned The News and my parents are not divorcing, which is weird in its own way because the fact that my mom is staying with my dad despite The News makes me question my relationship with her as well as with him.

      It’s really hard. The News made me feel like the ground was cratering under me. I adored my dad, respected him, trusted him, and The News really shattered all of that. And the worst part is that I really miss my dad (or at least the dad I thought I had.) This is recent in my life (it’s been under a year) and I’m still working through how to manage it. I have no tips but I wish you peace. And it’s extremely helpful to read that others have had this experience. I don’t talk to anyone about this — it’s still a big family secret, so other than my husband and siblings, I don’t share it with anyone.

      • Anon

        The one thing I’d encourage you to do is talk to your close friends too. You’d be amazed at how much better you can feel once the Bad Thing isn’t a secret for you. You didn’t do it, and you shouldn’t feel shame around it.

    • Anon for this

      No but… I have some half siblings (who don’t know I exist bc their father had an affair with my mother and had myself and 2 other kids with her) who might discover the same, someday (though my father recently passed) and I really hope that the day doesn’t come that they ever learn the truth. It will serve no one and make them miserable. So hearing now how upset you are, I feel even better about trying to make sure that they never find out. They can never un-know this information and the way he conducted himself for decades – the affair was the very least of it.

      • Also anon

        I can’t believe how common this is. (The secret second family). My friend was recently in a relationship with a guy that was getting pretty serious. Talking about moving in together, future kids. They already had taken vacations together. He had monthly business trips to City in other state. She looked up his business out of curiosity and stumbled on his wife’s public Facebook page in City and his multiple kids. Friend confronted boyfriend. Wife and kids have no idea and he doesn’t want to get divorced. He wants two lives. She’s not having it. This is some serious Lifetime movie stuff.

    • Shayla

      Fairly, but not completely. FWIW, I have one in blush. It hasn’t held up quality wise, and the amount of care it takes to make sure it maintains it’s unsustainable goodness isn’t worth it to me. The instructions say that you literally can never wipe something off it, instead you have to run the shirt under water to get the “stain” off. Which is fine, if like the video you’re having mustard squirted on you. But that dribble of coffee? I’m not taking the shirt off to rinse out. Quality: it’s pilling. I’m assuming the pills are actually whatever barrier there is for stains. It’s a great idea, and maybe if I was constantly spilling on myself, I’d have a drawer full of these shirts à la Don Draper. But I’m not, so I don’t.

  15. Anonymous

    Is there anything I should be doing for my skin as I get older? I’m 31, no signs of aging yet but I want to be proactive about it! I already wear sunscreen every day, and use a cleanser/toner/moisturizer/serum every day. I use Ole Henricksen products that contain glycolic and lactic acids. Maybe I should start doing peels or masks too? Anyone have any product recs?

    • Zelda

      Other than sunscreen, retinol is the best anti-aging agent (most research, etc). I would add a retinol at night, ideally prescription. I’d also consider adding a vitamin C serum in the morning.

    • EM

      Sunscreen is the only proactive and preventative product that exists. All the rest, including retinol, can be introduced at any time.

      The early 30s are a good time to:

      1. Start a light exfoliation treatment. Your skin no longer turns over as fast as it used to, leading to a slightly dull-looking experience. Paula Choice’s makes excellent and affordable ones.

      2. Start using a retinol. Vitamin-A encourages skin cell regeneration. Again, Paula Choice makes a great and affordable one. It is a 1% solution, which translates roughly to a .020% tretinoin (prescription treatment), whereas the prescription tretinoin creams and gel start at .025%. So you don’t give much up going to an OTC product, which also has other good antioxidents in it, as well as being far more moisturizing and gentle. Skinceuticals also makes a popular one, though much more pricey.

      3. Yep, a vitamin C serum is the 3rd thing to add. I only have 2 recommendations, as I find most of them stink (vitamin C products are odorus. Is that even a word?) Drunk Elephant and Algenerist.

      4. Make sure you keep your skin really really moisturized. Even though I have oily skin, I find that a dry oil works far better than any moisturizer. I like the smart oil by Clinique.

  16. DontKnowWhatToDo

    I have a close friend going just starting the divorce process in another state far away. I chatted with her online about a week and half ago, and she seemed sad but optimistic that things were going amicably. I reached out to her about 2 days ago online and heard nothing back, texted her today, and she is super mad at me for not calling sooner. I feel so bad. I didn’t mean to hurt her feelings or ignore her. I thought I was respecting her privacy, but apparently it came off as me not caring. I apologized and said I hope she is ok and I didn’t mean to upset her. I am not sure how I can fix it. I would go visit but I am 9 mos pregnant. I have gone through a divorce too, and she was there for me, but I honestly can’t remember who was checking in with who. My divorce was NOT amicable in any way, shape, or form, so it’s admittedly a blur. Anyway, how do I fix? I am worried with the baby coming I have been distracted and I am turning into a bad friend.

    • EE

      She’s obviously going through a lot but as an internet stranger, I can tell you that you did nothing wrong here. Sounds like she’d like you to check in more frequently, and if you’re up for it, that’s something you can do going forward when you’re not, you know, delivering a baby and all that follows. I don’t think you need to apologize again, but feel free to if you think it would make her feel better. I personally wouldn’t be able to do so sincerely.

    • Anonymous

      You’re not a bad friend. She is lashing out at you because she feels that her world is crumbling while you’re happily getting ready to welcome a new baby into your perfect little family.

      • DontKnowWhatToDo

        Yall are sweet. Thank you. I do feel worried for her, but I haven’t conveyed that. I am sure she is just really sad and hurt. I will just keep pinging her every other day with until she comes around. Also, I just remembered that mercury is in retrograde, so I am going to blame that. Ha.

      • anon

        This. Clearly her reaction is harsher because she’s in a terrible place emotionally and the fact that you’re super happy and moving forward with your family just holds up a mirror to that. I say this as someone in a similar place wrt some of my friends- it’s not that they are doing anything remotely wrong whatsoever, but its not always easy to, say, constantly discuss someone else’s happy life changes when you’re in the literal opposite place. And then that just sucks because you need your friendships! It’s rough.

        I’d try to understand her reaction from that perspective if I was you (which it sounds like you’re doing, kudos) and just make sure she feels like you care (again, which it sounds like you’re doing).

    • Anonymous

      This is not the same thing as a divorce, so take it with a grain of salt. My best friend has done everything first – she got married first, she had a baby first, etc. When I got married, she was a brand new mom. When I was pregnant with my first, she was on her second kid and busy being a working mom. I am completely happy for her that her life is going so well, but during those times in my life I have felt a teensy bit resentful that I was so there for her during her big life events and she was less available to me when it was my turn. I know that this is irrational and I of course never said anything. You did nothing wrong, but it may help explain some of your friend’s anger.

      After your baby is born, you’re going to have both more and less time. More time in the sense that you’re not in the office all day and the pace will be overall a little slower on maternity leave, but less time in that when your LO is not awake you’ll spend most of his or her nap time trying to do all of the things you couldn’t do while he or she was awake. You may need to adjust when/how you communicate with your friend. Personally, post-baby, I started texting much more than before.

      • DontKnowWhatToDo

        That makes a lot of sense. I know it is hard for her to be having a hard time, and I am frankly the happiest I have ever been. My last marriage was in shambles when I attended her wedding a few years ago, so I have been there. It’s weird how things work out. I wish she and I could coordinate our happy times better!!! I have faith it will get there. Just have to be patient.

  17. Baconpancakes

    Out of state friend just had a pretty devastating breakup and i wanted to send her a care package. She seems to be handling it pretty well and not dwelling, so I didn’t want to focus on “breakup” stuff, but rather just a “thinking of you” box. She’s a research librarian, obsessed with her dog, just ran her first marathon. Was thinking an Old Books scented candle to start (Frostbeard on etsy -smells amazing). Any other ideas?

  18. Dreading Casual Dress

    I’m thinking about making a job move and need wardrobe tips. I’m a lawyer in the Boston area and have always worked in business casual offices where jeans were a no go. The new job would be in house with a public tech company with a very casual, not stylish dress code.

    My winter look will probably rely heavily on sweaters + jeans + booties/flats/fashion sneakers. I’d love tips for what I can wear in the summer. My sense is skirts/dresses are not well received.

    Also, I want to keep up a dressier capsule for conferences, meeting former colleagues for coffee/drinks, etc., but I’m worried I’ll start looking dated if I don’t wear the clothes frequently. Does anyone have suggestions for what pieces will get the most use and how to stay current without churning through barely worn clothes?

    • Runner 5

      In spring/autumn (or if the office is cool enough, summer – it works all summer in the UK) I love skinny jeans plus ballet flats.

    • Betty

      As someone who made the move in house from a business formal environment in the last two years and same area of the country, a couple of things to consider: Just because the company’s dress code is more casual does not mean that the lawyers and execs also dress casually. My company is casual (not business casual, but casual casual: jeans and sneakers by many) but the lawyers, VPs, and execs tend more towards business casual. Second, I wouldn’t rush out to buy a new wardrobe yet. Take a few weeks to observe what the standards are and then adjust your wardrobe. If someone mentions the dress code, go with “I’m still adjusting from my former more formal office.” I mix my formerly business casual/business formal wardrobe with more casual pieces and use them all that way. I still wear my blazers, but with jeans, a t-shirt and heels. I wear my old slacks but with flats and a less formal top. You can make things more casual with the accessories and shoes.

      • Anonymous

        On the other hand I’m one of lawyerd in a tech firm and we range from business casual (the only man), jeans/nice blouse/nice shoes most days (me, though sometimes I do a jersey dress or jeans/tshirt), and super casual yoga pants ripped jeans (second woman). So do what makes you comfortable!

    • Parfait

      I work in a very casual tech company and I wear dresses almost every day. I keep it dressed down with comfortable, casual shoes and other accessories. No pantyhose! I think you should be able to do you.

  19. Anonymous

    I’ll be attending a national conference for work this summer. This is my first time giving a presentation to a group of a few hundred people, and my company is hosting an event that same day. I will be standing for at least five hours during this event. Does anyone have recommendations for flats that look stylish, professional, and are comfortable to stand in for a long time? Also, any suggestions for seamless cotton or silk camis or other undergarments I should wear under a suit?

    • Ms B

      AGLs, my hands down favorite for conferences, speaking, or any time I am going to be on my feet for work.

  20. Carrots

    So, I’m walking for my Master’s tomorrow and it’s just become a perfect storm of people not able to come. My mom got pneumonia and, obviously, my step-dad wants to stay with her to make sure she’s okay, so they can’t come. My younger sister was in the hospital yesterday (though I think she’s getting discharged today) because her migraine got worse and wouldn’t go away, so not sure if she and my step-mom will be able to come. My dad said he’ll definitely come and my roommate and friend are coming and my best friends parents said they could come after she told them about my mom. But I still feel so mad at the situation about it – obviously I don’t want anyone to make themselves worse by coming and I made it very clear to my mom I’d be more mad and upset if she came and then got worse and ended up in the hospital, but it’s just…ugh. And then because I’m a crier, I started crying about it at work but it wasn’t a day where I could hide in my office and cry about it so I had to do it in little increments. And all I want to do is eat the entire box of nutty bars I have in my pantry but I won’t because that’ll just make me feel bad too.

    Rant over. Thanks for reading.

    • Blonde Lawyer

      This is the perfect opportunity for FaceTime. Can someone attending with you in person FT your mom and sister? Then they can watch it in real time and talk to you about it after. Once everyone is better, have a celebration meal with them. This sucks and I’m sorry you are dealing with it.

      • Carrots

        That’s a genius idea and I’m so glad you suggested it because I don’t think any of us had! Like it seriously made me feel better – thank you! Yes – I will see if someone can FaceTime/Skype for my parents and sister.

        We had already kind of planned for a small party in August, so that just kind of became more solidlified with this.

        Seriously, thank you!

        • Violette

          I just did this earlier today, as the person on FaceTime – my youngest sister was graduating high school today and I wasn’t able to take today off work to fly across the country, so I FaceTimed my Mom and she just held the phone up during the entire ceremony. It was wonderful, since I felt so included and didn’t feel as bad as I would have for missing it, and my sister was thrilled I was able to see her special day. Just wanted to provide a second opinion that it will work well!

    • Jen

      Just for perspective, my parents and ALL of my grandparents came to my law school graduation, and while in theory that was very nice it actually was a logistical nightmare and my mom (whom I adore) was in such a horrible mood the whole time that it was one of the most miserable days of my life. So…just think that you have fewer people to please and can focus on enjoying your day, which I did not get to do despite having people I love like crazy there for me. This might end up being a blessing for you despite not feeling like it!

    • Wildkitten

      I had a lot of uninvited terrible family members come to my law school graduation. I skipped the first half, because I really wanted to get a bloody mary at my favorite restaurant on graduation morning and it opened after the beginning of the first part of graduation, which had a substitute speaker because the scheduled speaker died.

      The bloody mary part was better than the graduation part. But congratulations!

    • Carrots

      Hey – I just wanted to let folks know yesterday turned out just fine! My roommate took a video of me getting my diploma and hooded and sent it to my mom and I kept my phone with me and was texting with her throughout the ceremony. My sister did get discharged on Friday, so she and my step-mom were able to attend as well. We’re planning a cook-out at my dad’s in August once my actual program is over and we’ll be able to have a nice day with everyone there!

      Thanks ladies – I appreciate the responses and advice!

    • Anon

      I recently got really sick and couldn’t attend a cold rainy outdoor graduation ceremony of my cousin. She didn’t even walk, it’s just undergrad. The grads only stood as their names were called. I still felt INCREDIBLY guilty. But I was able to watch on a live stream and I text her when her name was called. She called me later and said she felt so bad anyone had to come stand in the cold and she’s glad I stayed home.

  21. Anonymous

    I’ve gotten to the point, like I do every couple of years, where I’m sick of my long hair. I do think it looks pretty good at its current length, and I’m lucky to have naturally wavy hair that looks decent (albeit not polished/styled) simply air dried.

    Every time I cut it, I regret it big time. However, I’ve started to realize that it won’t healthfully grow out to the length I really want it– it starts to look ratty. I know the obvious answer is to go with something slightly past my shoulders but I always just end up growing it out when I do that.

    Any obvious answers here? I’m not sure if I just haven’t yet gotten the right short haircut or if those styles just don’t work for me in the long run.

    FWIW I’m 28 and a nurse (the only implication there being that if it’s long it will always be up at work, and any short cut would be fine down). My face is roundish-oval.

      • Anon

        This is indeed one possibility in my opinion, as well.

        Although…have you had your hair cut by someone who knows how to cut wavy hair? My hair used to be stick-straight, and then it suddenly got crazy wavy in some places and mildly wavy in others…except for those times it kind of straightens out again, depending on what sorts of shampoo, etc. I’m using on my hair.

        Finding someone who knows how to work with it has made *such* a difference, although there’s still trial-and-error involved: Sometimes we don’t know a haircut won’t work on me until I *have* said haircut.

        Go here: http://www.naturallycurly.com/curlsalons/
        and type in your city, rather than clicking on the cities listed–not all cities in which there are salons are on the list.

  22. Legal Question

    U.S. firm has a case where a Canadian citizen was in a car accident in the U.S. and had some of her treatment back home in Canada. Is anyone here familiar with the Canadian health system subrogation system and can you point me in the direction of some resources? This actually isn’t my case but a colleagues. When she was asking where to start I was thinking, hmmm…. I know where I can find some Canadian lawyers.

      • Anonymous

        Search for OHIP subrogated claims and the first or second result should give you some info. Good luck!

    • Ontario subro lawyer

      Ontario subrogation lawyer here. I need more info before I can help, but if you want to give me an email address I’m happy to help if I can! I don’t have a “fake” email address for these purposes so just let me know where I can reach you.

      • OP

        Awesome! Thanks so much. You can reach me at fitzy k 23 (no spaces) at hotmail. Hi to anyone that knows my old college email address lol!

  23. Second Dog?

    My husband and I adopted our first dog almost two years ago from a shelter in NYC. She is so sweet and well trained and we adore her. She loves playing with other dogs at the dog park and has been thrilled when we’ve spent long weekends with friends who have dogs at our house and at other locations.

    Yesterday the shelter where we got her called me to say they had a dog give birth in the shelter and her puppies are now 10 weeks old and ready for adoption. They are all male and adorable little fluffy mixes that seem to be low shedding. Since family nearby is our default babysitter and my sister has a slight sensitivity to heavily shedding dogs (not really allergies, but being in a house that has two golden retrievers bothers her), these puppies could be a good fit. I will only rescue from a shelter, so I knew that finding a second dog that could be on the lower end of shedding could take some time.

    My husband and I will be able to tag team working from home for the next 6 weeks to help with the transition and puppy training. When we’re at work, our dog goes to a doggy day care at someone’s house, and the new pup would go along as soon as he is fully vaccinated.

    Should we pull the trigger? Any stories of happy additions or second dogs that totally threw off the balance of the household? We’ve always pictured ourselves with two dogs (no kids yet, none planned for the next year). Now that it looks like a possibility landed in our laps, I’m afraid to take the leap!

    • NYtoCO

      Do it! We just got a puppy 2 weeks ago, and I almost wish we had gotten two since she’s so high energy and were the only living beings to take it out on. Not that this applies to you, but I guess my point is between daycare, etc it can’t really be that much harder to have 2 than one, and maybe even easier since they’d keep each other entertained.

    • Anonymous

      If you’ve got care figured out for vacations, doggy day care, etc, and can afford it, I say go for it! I’ve had 2-3 dogs for the last 9 years, and I love having more than one. They are SO fun to watch, and when we get tired of playing fetch, we can sit with glass of wine and watch their antics. Nothing better on a lazy summer night! And two dogs are really very doable, since the older one will help train the younger one!

      I did discover things change slightly with three, it takes a bit more work to train each of them enough to overcome ‘pack mode’ when someone new comes to the door, for example. But two was a piece of cake! Go rescue your puppy!

      • Anonymous

        It is so true that the older one trains the younger one. It can be very subtle. We had an older dog and got a puppy. The older dog hated going out in the winter so she would go out, do her thing, and come right back. The puppy, being a puppy, would play and lollygag, then do his thing, then sniff around, etc. adding about 15 minutes to the bedtime routine. The older dog cured the puppy of that in about 2 weeks. We had a puppy who knew that bedtime was not playtime and would do his thing in 2 minutes flat. The neighbors were super jealous; they wanted to borrow the older one to train their puppy.

      • Anonymous

        It’s true about the current dog training the new one. We adopted a 4 year old dog from a friend who couldn’t keep her. The second she arrived our dog went into “big brother” mode and showed her the rules. It was really cute. She went from totally hyper to just half hyper and listens better than he does now.

  24. Anonymous

    Did anyone else not know that Coco Chanel was an awful person/big time Nazi sympathizer? Like truly a horrendous person. Is this really well known and I am just out of touch?

    • Anonymous

      I knew and would never buy Chanel for that reason (I don’t spend that kind of money on clothing but if I ever win the lottery I would not shop there). I’m Jewish fwiw.

      • Anonymous

        Yeah I don’t spend that kind of money either but now I never ever will on that brand. (I am not jewish). It wasn’t ambiguous, like maybe she could have done more to speak out or something like that. She straight up used the situation to steal from her business partners and get sole ownership of Chanel no. 5 (she petitioned the government saying it was not right that she had to share ownership with “the Jews”) and then became a full on Nazi Agent – with a code name and spy number and everything. I just had no idea.

        • Anonymous

          Yep, she was sleeping with a high-ranking Nazi officer and spied for the Nazis.

        • I keep forgetting my fake name

          For what it’s worth, some accounts suggest that she was blackmailed into the spying and renouncing her business partners in an attempt to save the nephew that she raised as a son. I haven’t researched, so I don’t know which accounts are more accurate. It’s still horrendous, of course.

  25. anon

    How do you go about having serious relationship conversation with your significant other? Sounds odd, I know. We have been together for four years, five in the fall. I love him very much. Still, there are some recurring issues in our relationship that make me very unhappy.

    I’ve tried broaching these topics before. He’s a very kind person and he is immediately apologetic. But then the underlying issues don’t always change. And then I will bring it up again—this time, emphasizing the extent of my unhappiness. He’s apologetic again—but sometimes I think his urge to jump straight to an apology prevents him from truly seeing where I’m coming from. I want to find a way of expressing myself that underlines the seriousness of how I feel, without me leaving and feeling like I’m threatening to break up to make things better.

    And on a related note—how do you know when you are ready to end things? It sounds crazy that I haven’t dealt with this before, but I really haven’t. I’m also dealing with some serious professional stress, and I want to make sure that I’m not letting that bleed into our relationship. But I find myself frequently wondering if I’m just investing time and energy into something that’s not really going anywhere. Would appreciate any insight, stories, anecdotes about cutting things off.

      • Wildkitten

        I found couple’s therapy really helpful to talk through issues like these while having a neutral third party who keeps you on task and will also interrupt if you slip into a negative conversation pattern. Eventually we’d hope to learn how to have substantive productive conversations on really hard issues by ourselves, but the therapy was so helpful for now. We’re also at five years.

        Another tip – when I was studying for the bar exam, one tip I heard was to talk to your SO and say they CANNOT break up with you until the bar exam is over. The tip is two-fold – you’re in intense stress and can’t handle another issues, and that you might be unpleasant under so much stress so it’s good to not make big choices. Is your work stress something discreet that you get through and deal with your relationship afterwards?

    • Senior Attorney

      You have told him what you need from him, repeatedly. He has demonstrated that he is not going to give it to you. At this point your choices are (a) live with it as the price of admission to the relationship, or (b) decide it’s a deal breaker and move on. Unfortunately there is no such thing as (c) find the magic words that will get him to change.

  26. Amelia Bedelia

    Has anyone purchased a Casper mattress? It just seems SO easy — no need to shop or try out mattresses, etc. But, I’m concerned it isn’t as quality as I’d like to think?
    Any lovers of the mattress?
    Does it sleep too hot?
    Thanks.

    • OCAssociate

      Got one about a year ago, and I love it. It’s not too hot, and I’m a hot sleeper, so that would be a problem for me. It’s super comfortable, slightly on the firm side.
      I think they let you try it out for 100 days for free – we never even considered returning ours.
      I’ve recommended it to many people in real life, too.

      • Anonymous

        We bought one a year ago. I am skinny, 115 lbs and 5’7″, and it’s a little firmer than I like when I sleep on my side. My wife is heavier than I am, and she likes it. Casper sent us a topper that made it a bit softer, which helped. Even though it wasn’t perfect we decided to keep it. Having a mattress without flame retardants and other stuff that off-gasses and/or has potential health risks was important to us. (We first tried an IKEA mattress and it really stank, even after a month on a windy sleeping porch with exposure to fresh air–yuck.)We think that one of these days we’ll probably buy another topper of some type to make it softer, and we’ll still save a boatload of money overall, relative to what we would have spent if we returned the Casper and purchased a different organic mattress.

        Their return policy makes it so easy to give them a try. I wouldn’t hesitate to give it a shot.

    • Amelia Bedelia

      Thanks all! I might give it a try. The ease alone may make it worth it.

  27. Anonymous

    Any suggestions for the perfect white t-shirt? Something that isn’t completely see through, not too clingy, but not too boxy. Something that is nice enough to be layered for a more casual day at work? Thanks!

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